#the best part is that I’ve actually taken my meds every day except today

[yellobb]

I’m literally going to puke

[legends-of-apex]

Loba x Reader x Crypto: ‘Something More’ (Part 2/2) SMUT 18+

Summary: A continuation of Part I in which Loba, Crypto and The Reader go back to the Reader's room in the legends compound to decrypt the files taken from Pathfinder's chip. Inevitably, Loba's proposition is brought up and smut ensues. You can also read this on AO3 if you prefer!

A/N:  Hello! Here's the second and final part. This chapter does contain smut after the cut. I've spent the best part of a month on this so I promise there is still a plot as well :D Hope you like it! And I would love to hear your thoughts!  Reader's pronouns aren't specified however they are referred to as having a vagina/breasts etc. so please keep that in mind x Warnings under the cut!

Words: 7, 788

Warnings: This fic contains heavy smut including oral (reader receiving and giving), fingering, penetrative sex and scissoring

The rest of the match went relatively uneventfully, with the three of you finishing fourth after being ambushed by another squad. There hadn’t even been enough time to see who it was before you blacked out. When you awoke, a bright light beaming down upon you made you squeeze your eyes shut again. Forcing yourself to sit up, you felt the familiar rubber of the med bay beds beneath your fingertips. When you dared open your eyes again the lights weren’t so bad and you could actually look around the room. Your head felt heavy, your mind off-centered. A nurse was wrapping your fingers around a glass of water before you could ask for one to soothe your aching throat.

“Hey, can you tell me where you are?” He asked you. Bright eyes brimmed over the top of his surgical mask. He was the same nurse from every other time you were revived after a match and he always had the same questions.

“The med bay back at the compound?” You asked, cautiously lifting the water to your lips.

“Yeah! Well done out there today. You guys were great!” He took the empty glass from you when you were finished and set it down by the sink, his black scrubs rustling as he moved around the room, looking at the various monitors that hung like cobwebs from the walls, “How are you feeling?”

“Just a small headache. The usual.” You answered, knowing if you gave even a slightly different answer you could end up stuck in here for days. The headache you had post-match was always the same, pounding and everywhere all at once. It probably had something to do with the serum they used to revive you after the match but you were more concerned about Loba and Crypto right now. You hadn’t seen them go down.

“Great! Well, you’re all healed, vitals are great. You’re free to head out.” He seemed to sense your eagerness to leave and for that you were thankful.

Loba was waiting for you outside the room when you stepped out, pushing herself off the wall and uncrossing her arms when she saw you. She walked towards you with her arms open, engulfing you in a hug when she reached you. With her six-inch heels and already naturally impressive height, she almost dwarfed you, your chin only just being able to rest atop her shoulder. You knew she was just glad you were okay, but displays of affection were rare for her. Even if the hallway you were in was empty. Usually, she wouldn’t be caught sharing any shred of weakness, but after a match? She always got a little sappy, even if she would never admit it.

“Shall we go wait for the hacker?” She pulled back to look at your face and you nodded before taking her hand, walking towards Crypto’s usual med bay room. His name printed on the outside of the door. Loba peered through a tiny window in the door. “Is he still in there?” You asked. It was unusual for anyone to be kept so long and he knew not to say anything that might prolong his stay. Unless there was some kind of complication? You tried not to think about it.

Loba scoffed. “Oh please, he wouldn’t leave without seeing you alive and well first. He’s still in there alright.” She spared a glance your way and recognised that look on your face. You were worried, even though the chances of any post-match complications were extremely low, nearly non-existent. “I wouldn’t worry, sweetheart. He was downed last so they’ll have had less time with him than us.” She saw that did very little to calm your nerves and decided to change the subject to take your mind off of it. She lowered her voice, knowing for sure that there were cameras and microphones all over this place. “Hey, we might get some promising information out of that chip, huh? Any information we can get on them brings us one step closer, no matter how small the step.” All you did was nod when usually you’d be beaming with excitement at the prospects of new information on the Syndicate and you weren't doing a particularly good job of hiding the fact that you couldn't care less about anything right now except for Crypto still being in that room.

“You really give a shit about him, huh?” she asks and you look to her, confused.

“If it was you in there I’d be just as worried.” Loba sighed and took your hand again, bringing your knuckles to her lips before squeezing your fingers gently, careful not to scratch you with her nails. That meant more to her than you knew.

The door before you opened with a click as Crypto finally emerged, hands already stuffed back in his jacket pockets by the time the door shut behind him. The look of relief on your face was enough to tell him you’d been worrying. You had dropped Loba’s hand in an instant and went to hug him, opening your arms a little first and waiting for his permission. He felt himself sigh into your arms, his own wrapping around you tightly as he could. However brief, he would always treasure each touch you gave him. You made him realise how much he craved being held, being close to people. It made him forevermore thankful that he was lucky to be as close to you as he was, even Loba as well to some extent. You shared a piece of your life with him, your kindness, your time and occasionally: your bed. Whilst you did the same for Loba, he never found himself growing jealous, only more thankful to have you when he did.

“You still got the chip?” Loba asked him over your shoulder. He nodded. “We had better get to it. The decryption might take a while.”

The first thing you did when you got back to your room was kick off your shoes and flop down, face-first, on your bed. All the running and the stress of the games could really take its toll. Meanwhile, Crypto headed straight for your PC, plugging in all kinds of strange contraptions and external hard drives no doubt filled with some kind of dodgy software. Loba asked if she could use your shower to which you told her there were already fresh towels in there ready to be used as you gathered a bundle of clothes for her to wear when she finished.

You looked to your broken arm shield emitter and groaned as you were getting changed into more comfortable clothes than your games gear, the realisation that you actually had to fix it dawned on you. You struggled to your feet and pulled up a chair beside Crypto at your desk and released the shield from your arm with a whirr. Most of it had survived, only a few small grenade fragments lay buried within it. Easy fix.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I overheard some of what you guys were saying earlier. Loba had her communicator still on. And I just want you to know that although I did tell Loba about us sleeping together, I haven’t said a word about… you know, you. Your identity. That’s yours to tell and I would never betray that information to anyone, even Loba.” You were one of two living people with the privilege of referring to him by his real name in private. By telling you about his past, even just by telling you his name, he put so much trust in you. And you wouldn't betray that for anyone.

He stopped typing to look at you, letting you know he was sincere. “I know you wouldn’t. I trust you more than anyone. But thank you for the reassurance. And I’m sorry that you heard that, I don’t wish for you to be treated like an object.”

You knew then that he didn't quite trust Loba’s intentions with her proposition but were quick to reassure him. “Oh, don’t worry. Loba asked if I was down for it beforehand. And it’s sweet that you two want to make me feel good, but I don’t require any payment for what I do for you two, especially in that kinda way. I do it because I care about you.” Tweezers in hand, you carefully began removing the fragments from your device. It was a good excuse to not have to look Taejoon in the eye during the conversation.

“Heh, that’s precisely why Loba thought you to be deserving of such an arrangement. And I have to say, I agree. You need to let us give back to you, though it doesn’t have to be in the form of what Loba was suggesting. In any way that you choose.” You could have laughed. On their own, they were amazing enough, both more than proficient and attentive lovers but together? You couldn't help but groan at the thought. “ Trust me , as long as you two are up for it that arrangement is totally fine by me! I couldn't think of anything better.”

You see Crypto’s head move suddenly in the corner of your eye, you turn to see Loba looking the softest you had ever seen her. Her hair was damp, falling all the way down to her waist. A pair of your baggy sweatpants hung low around her hips. She looked comfortable, her eyes held no sense of impending danger and you swore it was the first time you had seen her so at ease.

“Is that my shirt?” Crypto asks and she shrugs, looking down at the plain black material. “I don’t know, is it? It’s… cute?”, You sheepishly turn back to face Crypto as Loba dives straight onto your bed, stretching out on her back. “Maybe?” you offered, knowing damn well it was his from the last time he had stayed over. He wasn’t going to pry it off of you as you slept, especially since you looked so comfortable. It was his pair of sweatpants too, but he didn't need to know that. A low grumble sounded from your stomach and you took that to be the perfect topic change, “How about take-out?”.

“Lovely idea, I’m starving!”

You phoned up the best pizza company you knew, the woman on the line informed you that it would take a while because of the games. People liked to go for pizza after watching the apex games apparently. “We’re going to have to wait a while.” You said solemnly, hopping onto your bed behind Loba and taking your hairbrush from her hand. Her hair was long and so very soft. Crypto politely excused himself to also take a shower whilst you played with her hair. You combed through it with your fingers first. Loba released a long breath as you dragged the brush from the edge of her forehead, down her scalp and all the way down her back, holding the ends in your other hand. “So Crypto’s down for your idea.” You gently gathered her hair together in a bunch before letting it fan out again over her back, the strands so long they reached the covers below.

Loba leant back a little, resting on her palms. “Oh? I’m not surprised. He seems like he would do anything that involves you. That poor boy looks at you like you’re made of gold.” She chuckled, looking back at you over her shoulder. You pecked her lips, her skin was soft and supple with a subtle hint of cherry lip balm. “Ugh, I can’t wait to devour you.” She groaned, “If he doesn’t get out of that shower in the next two minutes, we’re starting without him.”

“So impatient!” You laughed, “Hair up or down?”

“Eh, leave it down.”

Crypto made his way out the bathroom still towelling off his soggy hair. He set his jacket on the back of your desk chair, along with his waistcoat and every other piece of his games gear apart from his baggy trousers and t-shirt. The pendants on his necklaces jingled together as he moved around, like a cat with a bell.

Far too impatient for subtly it seems, Loba decided now was the best time to initiate things “She looks good enough to eat, don’t you think Crypto?” He stops in his tracks, towel still raised to his head with his mouth hanging open before he cleared his throat and straightened his posture. He hummed in agreement, taking the towel and folding it in half before laying it over the chair behind him. He now leaned his back against the desk so he could face you, bare arms crossed over his chest as he looked at you. You couldn’t help but blush at Loba’s words and the way he was looking at you, feeling the heat rising in your cheeks.

Loba now turned to face you, mischief and wanting in her eyes and leaned in close. “We would love to take care of you if you’ll have us, of course.” She pressed a single kiss to the side of your neck, your skin tingling from the warmth of her lips, “What do you say?” You turned your attention back to Crypto who looked at you in question, his head tilted. Neither of them were moving without your say so.

“Sounds perfect.”

With that pushed you back so your head lay gently on the pillows. Her finger wagged in Crypto’s direction when he took a step forward, telling him to stay put. He gulped and leant back against the desk again. “Well then. Just relax and let us take care of you, hm?” She ended her question with a smile, already sliding downwards onto the bed in front of you. Placing her hands on either side of your sweatpants and giving the outside of your thighs a light squeeze. She looked up at you through her lashes, asking if she could take them off. You nodded and soon she had them tugged off, your socks soon followed.

She leant right down, pressing a kiss to the cloth of your underwear, her lips putting the lightest flutter of pressure on your heat. Your mouth fell open and she laughed quietly, seeing a dark patch on the fabric of your underwear. “Mhmm already dripping for us, Crypto.” she called back to him over her shoulder, “What do you say we take these off as well? No need to be shy. We already know how beautiful you are, sweetheart.” You nodded again, her fingers delicately taking the band of your underwear and making quick work of shimming them off your legs. A string of words, no doubt in Portuguese left her, as she took a moment to look at you. She had spoken far too quickly for you to have any hope of understanding what she was saying.

Her hands were on your sides in an instant, and her lips were back on yours as her hands made their slow descent back down towards your heat. Her kisses a rough contrast to the preciseness of her touch. She kissed with her heart it seems, everything else was calculated. A shiver wracked its way through you when her fingertips reached the hem of your shirt, but she didn’t lift it, only gently massaged the bottom of your stomach and over the tops of your thighs. Circular motions everywhere except the place you wanted them to be.

Her lips left you as you whined softly, “So eager.” she smiled at you again, before leaning in to kiss your neck as her fingers finally touched where you so craved them so much. A moan escaped you as she wasted no time in finding your heat, circling her two fingertips within its wetness before dragging them up and down your slit. Over her shoulder, you could see Crypto standing biting his lip so hard it looked like it would bleed, face flushed.

Sucking gently on the soft skin of your neck, Loba pressed her two fingers right onto your clit. You couldn’t help the noises that escaped you or how you clung to her so desperately. She soon switched back and forth between gently massaging all-around your folds and slowly circling one finger directly to your nub. She was teasing you. The alteration driving you insane, legs beginning to shake. Just as you felt the dam about to burst she drew back away from you entirely, leaning back on her knees as she brought her fingers to her mouth and sucked on them lightly.

“How does she taste?” Crypto asked, his face warm. Loba leaned back from you and you near-whined at the loss.

She brought her fingers back down your heat and gathered some of your wetness onto her fingers again, standing and extending her fingers in his direction. “Like honey. Want to try?” He bypassed her altogether and walked towards you. “Suit yourself, Hacker,” she rolled her eyes.

“May I?” He asked so softly you nearly melted then and there. “Yes, please.” You managed and before you knew it he was sliding one of your legs over his shoulder, shortly followed by the other. He began by pressing the gentlest of kisses to your thighs.

“Ooh nevermind.” Loba went back on her previous statement with an approving nod of her head, “One second.” The glare he sent in her direction could’ve stopped a charging bull but Loba just waved him off and laid down beside you, pulling you into her lap so she could support your body. Crypto tugged you down towards him so the back of your head rested against Loba’s chest. Warmth radiated from Loba’s body beneath you in a constant wave of gentle, comforting heat but your focus wasn’t on her right now.

The moment his mouth made contact with your core, your body went lax. His tongue came right after and your back arched with such ferocity that Loba almost lost her hold on you. When the most desperate noise left you, you felt the vibrations of his laughter roll through you and his hands gripped the tops of your thighs more firmly to keep you in place. His eyes flickered up to you for a moment, soon after your hands found his hair, tugging lightly on the damp ends in an attempt to have him closer.

Loba’s lips ghosted over the shell of your ear “I know you said he was good but you really weren’t kidding,” she whispered before her mouth before she latched her lips back onto your neck.

Tugging his hair seemed to only spur him on more as the groan he emitted was borderline feral, bringing his tongue to circle over your clit at such a pace that the pressure built within you to the point where you were about to burst and likely would have had to not pulled back for a second to quickly catch his breath and get a better look at you.

“I know you want to come on his tongue, beautiful. Go on.” Crypto was back between your legs then, doubling his pace. “Come for us.” She whispered just as Crypto decided to wrap his lips around your clit and suck. You lurched upright, grip tight on his hair as you grind your pussy against his lips. When he slowly coated one of his fingers before slowly pressing it into you and pumping to the rhythm of his mouth, that was it for you.

Your body barely felt like you controlled its movement anymore as pleasure wracked its way through you in gushing waves. A drawn-out moan you’d probably be embarrassed about later escaped you as you went limp in Loba’s arms. Crypto helped you ride it out, wanting to make you feel the best he could. His tongue didn’t leave you until your pussy ceased its tensing then releasing around his finger, pulling it out of you and to his lips immediately. Loba’s arms kept you steady as your body slowly returned to normal, cold air stinging as Crypto left you. You missed his mouth and hands on you immediately but Loba was quick to distract you by helping you rid yourself of your shirt all whilst trying to keep her lips latched on to yours. Her fingers so swift in how they undressed you and herself that you were suddenly reminded that she was a thief, quick hand movements were her speciality. Her hand came to cup your bare breast for a moment, glee in her eyes at the sight. Once you helped her out of most of her clothes, you felt Crypto’s lips on the side of your neck. His mouth leaving marks no doubt right beside the ones Loba had made already. A hand in his hair again had him whimpering. Loba noticed and released you so you turned to face him, your mouth finding his as you stood on shaky legs. His lips were swollen but still soft. He kisses you like it was the last time he would have the chance, one hand gently cupping your face as his other arm wrapped around you.

“I’m going to let you two have this round.” You pulled back from Crypto and looked at her with confusion, she hadn’t even had any kind of pleasure yet and she still insisted you and Crypto go ahead. “I like to watch.” She clarified with a smirk, seating herself in your desk chair, legs folded neatly over one another. Her lacy black bra and panties somehow made her even more attractive but comply with her wishes you would. Plus you wanted the chance to repay Crypto for his services.

Soon enough, Crypto is stripped of all but his boxers, seated upright at the edge of your bed and facing Loba’s general direction. Running your finger over his cheekbone, you look down to notice just how hard he is. “You like eating me out that much, huh?” You asked as you swung one leg over both of his and knelt so you could grind against him, wringing your arms around his neck. You felt just how hard he was then and Crypto looked like he might have came if you weren’t careful, his mouth opened slightly, eyes closed. His hands found the bottom of your back to keep you steady as you slowly grinded onto him, feeling the hard outline of him pressing against your sensitive lips. “예수 그리스도'' He moaned at the feeling, bottom lip now trapped between his teeth.

“Really wanna ride you.” You told him and his eyes snapped open, hand gently cupping your cheek as he brought you in for another kiss.

“Then ride me.”

You sat back from him to run your fingers over his clothed cock, feeling it twitch with your touch. Soft moans fell from his mouth with each drawn-out stroke, he was so terribly sensitive. Tentatively tugging down his boxers, you freed his member from its confines and rubbed along the shaft before thumbing its tip. His throat hitched.

“If you keep touching me like that, this is going to be over a lot quicker than either of us could have hoped,” His hand found your bare pussy again, fingers gliding through your folds to make sure you were still wet enough to take him, “Let me know when you’re ready.”

Leaning further forward so your hips rested against his, bracing against his strong chest for support, you pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I’m ready.” You told him. Without a word, Crypto reached down and aligned the two of you before oh-so-slowly lowering you back down onto his lap, feeling his length buried within you to the hilt.

You moaned together when he filled you, Crypto burying his head in your shoulder when you began to move, his hips rocking to meet the rhythm of yours. It felt delicious, his length rubbed your walls in all the right places and you felt a pressure begin to build quickly within your stomach again. His moans were so soft you almost had to strain to hear him but his strong grip on your hips as you swayed atop him telling enough.

Looking over your shoulder for a moment, you saw Loba lazily rubbing herself through her underwear, her eyes utterly transfixed on you and Crypto. One particularly measured thrust on his part hit your most sensitive spot directly and had your attention turned all the way back to him immediately. Gripping his hair as you rode him, you felt the pressure of his teeth on your shoulder as he bit back a moan. You slowed your pace and tilted his face up to see yours.

“Be as loud as you want baby, we wanna hear you,” you assured him and he looked at you through half-lidded eyes, skin flushed and lips bitten. You felt his cock twitch inside of you.

Pulling you back towards him so you were flesh to flesh, his hips snapped up into you with renewed vigour as his lips found your neck. Right next to another small mark Loba had left not a few moments earlier, he tentatively suckled on your skin until it bloomed. He swore he wasn’t a jealous person, he just wanted things to be even. His lips slowly trailed down towards your chest until he found one of your breasts, ready and waiting for him.

You let your head fall back. His consistent pumping up into you, filling you over and over and his tongue on your nipple combined with the knowledge that Loba was watching and enjoying all of this was quickly becoming too much for you to handle. You felt his cock twitch within you again.

You cupped his face in your hands as you brought him away from your nipple to press his swollen lips to yours again. That was when he reached between you and let his fingers trail over you clit. A cry escaped you. You were reaching the point of overstimulation and it felt like heaven.

When his thrusts became distractingly fast, you had to leave his lips but still held his face in your hands. “Come for me baby,” you told him and he felt his mind going numb. A few more thrusts and he was spent, all low moans and mumbles as he buried his face in your chest. His warm release within you felt so good, coating your walls and making you feel so wonderfully full. The coil in your stomach was wound, near the point of breaking now, but it wasn’t enough for you to reach your peak.

You just held each other for a few moments, petting over his hair as you relaxed in his arms. Even though you hadn’t come a second time that didn’t matter all that much when he still managed to make you feel as good as he did. When he caught his breath he looked up at you and frowned, “You didn’t-“

Loba was quick to interrupt him. She was up from her chair and walking towards you the moment you had regulated your breathing, “I’ll take care of that, pretty boy. Go take a minute.” With one last kiss and a groan as he pulled out of you, he reluctantly lifted you off his lap and sat you gently on your bed. He usually held you for hours after sex so this was new for him but just as he was learning to trust, he was also learning to compromise.

Loba bent down beside you as Crypto got up from your bed, tilting your chin upwards with her fingertip. “Ooh what a mess he made, hmm? Guess I had better help you clean up.” You were already oh so sensitive but your release was building again, all worked up from Crypto’s cock but surely going to be finished by Loba’s fingers.

Her touch was so different to Crypto’s, so delicate yet precise. She Plucked your body as if you were a harp, and she was a harpist with the most experienced hands. Her hands trailed over your shoulders and your chest, a nipple pinched and pressed deliciously between her fingers. With a few strange movements of your legs, Loba manoeuvres you by your hips, weaving your legs together. She draws her fingers up the underside of your thigh then down your lower leg, teasingly with a wicked grin plastered across her face as she does.

Loba scoots you closer together, her hands exploring your thighs as she goes, until you’re so close to her that you can feel the heat of her pussy against your own. She pulls you in for a kiss again and you take a handful of her full breasts. Loba rocks forward suddenly, rubbing your dripping cores together. She was most definitely keeping herself busy whilst you were with Crypto because she was soaking. Your pussy was so sensitive, so worked-up again that even the slightest touch had you reeling. Another slow grind and Loba’s eyes flutter closed. A twist of your thighs and you were fully locked together, her core providing yours with a delicious pressure. With a groan, Loba favoured a rougher rolling motion, her nails clawing at your thighs as your clits rub together.

“Shit!” Loba cries and her hips jerk into yours more sloppily. It was rare to see her so needy. The pressure from her clit on yours and the way her face contorted in pure pleasure had your insides twisting until you felt the dam burst for the second time that night. You found her lips again as you felt her too reach her release soon after, panting between kisses and cursing. Her movements slowed, as did your own until you were faced with the task of untangling from one another. “Guess we were pretty worked up, huh?” She asks and you nod in agreement, “You still have another round left in you? Pizza guy won’t be here for another twenty minutes…”

You were exhausted, dripping wet and still trying to catch your breath but you still managed to stifle out another “Yes, please.” You couldn’t get enough of them and you were dying to have them both at once. You felt more than just lust for these two. They made you feel loved, feel safe. All three of you had issues with connecting to people, whether it was simple distrust or even trauma but you were lucky enough to find one another. All the time spent with them trying to take down the Syndicate made Loba and Crypto learn to trust other people again. Not only that, they learned to care for you and in-turn allowed you to care for them. And being cared for wasn’t something either of them imagined would happen any time soon. Your tenderness and love made them feel human again like they were more than just their past.

“What do you think? Up for round three?” You looked to Taejoon and saw him sitting where Loba had been. When he moved one of his hands away from his lap to smooth his hair back from his face, you saw his cock was already erect again.

His chest heaved. “Are you sure you can take any more,애인(lover)?” Sitting up on your elbows now you looked at him and then to Loba who lay beside you, trailing her smooth fingertips up and down your arms. Excitement bubbled within you again.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

They were both beside you in an instant. You weren’t sure who was touching where and frankly you couldn’t care less. Feeling both their bodies on yours at once felt amazing, your skin tingling all over as you knelt sandwiched between them. Despite your oversensitivity, you welcomed the metallic fingertips that found your folds again. You were so, helplessly wet. Your multiple releases, coupled with Loba and Crypto’s had your thighs and sheets a mess. The cold metal of Crypto’s fingers were a wonderful contrast to the warmth of your pussy as he trailed along, up and down your lips, purposely avoiding where you wanted him to touch.

He left your lips in favour of hooking a finger inside you again. The friction was welcome but it wasn’t enough. “Please!” You whimpered and you heard Loba chuckle.

“Oh, baby girl, are you eager for his cock again? It’s a shame we aren’t at my place, you could’ve had mine as well.” Crypto raised a brow at that. You just whined at the thought of Loba’s strap.

He hummed as he found your clit with his thumb as he continued to draw his finger in and out of you. “Crypto, please!”

“I think you should tell him what you want him to do, sweetheart.”

“Please fuck me. I-I need-” You cut yourself off with a moan of his name and Crypto thought he might just die. He leant down to kiss your lips, rougher than usual now but still gentle. When he pulled back from you and gave you a chance to lay back, he had his dick in his hand and took his sweet time coating the tip in your juices, slowly dragging it through your folds.

“Ready for me?” he asked and you nodded. He tugged your knees around his hips and he leant between your legs and slowly entered you, inch by inch until you felt that wonderful fullness again. He let out a shaky breath and a gasp as he entered you. You felt so warm, so soft and so unmistakably you that he had a hard time moving for a moment for fear he might lose composure too soon and leave you disappointed for a second time. When you gave him the okay to move, Loba began teasing your breasts again, but you had other ideas for her.

“Sit-” A particularly drawn-out thrust from Crypto had your words misforming, “-On my face?” you asked her. Seeing as how Loba hadn’t garnered all that much from tonight’s proceedings, you were eager to make her feel good.

Her lips twisted into a smirk as she drew back from your chest, “Oh, sweetheart, I thought you’d never ask.” Crypto slowed his movements to let you two get comfortable. Loba now knelt beside your head, swung one leg over your head as you lay flat upon the bed so she now kneeled directly above you. It was the perfect access point. None of the pressure was on you, only what you wanted there to be.

Pulling her down by the hips until her core ghosted so close to your lips that your exhale made her shiver, you made sure you had a good enough grip on her even if all her weight was on your mattress. Crypto took Loba’s chin aiming for the heavens as his queue that you were comfortable again and started back at a slow pace. He always liked to alternate between almost teasingly slow, slow enough that you got needy when he pulled fully out of you, before you the exact pace that you needed from him.

Loba tried not to grind against your face but your actions did nothing to deter her from it. She was extremely responsive to any stimulation she received and your tongue was right up there as one of her favourite ways to be pleasured. Your strokes were careful, teasing and just how she liked it. Although your body jerked forward with each thrust from Crypto, Loba didn’t seem to mind and simply rocked her hips along your face in time with his movements. Each time he pulled back out of you only to fully sheath himself inside you again, a small gasp or moan escaped you. The vibrations just made Loba’s experience even better, small rhythmic cries falling from her lips.

When you felt Crypto’s fingers on your mound again, you had to lift Loba off you slightly to breathe. He always knew exactly where and how to touch you and even though you couldn’t see him, you could hear his soft laugh at the sound you made when he circled your clit. The feeling of being filled over and over by his thick member was divine in and of itself, his girth allowed him to rub your walls with ease especially at the angle he had you in now. Your legs wrapped around his hips and he kept your lower half-raised slightly off the bed. But combined with his hands? It was difficult to concentrate on anything but.

The more you got distracted by Crypto, the needier Loba became, jerking her hips in tiny thrusts to enable some kind of friction. Your fingers dimpled the backs of her thighs to keep her in place as you tried to make up for your few distracted moments. She was getting close now, you could feel it. The poor woman wasn’t used to actually being on the receiving end of such things until she met you.

“I think I’m going to come,” Crypto said with a sharp intake of breath, followed by a barely spoken curse.

“Me too.” She whined, “Pick up the pace, Hacker.” She leant back on her heels to the point where she was nearly sitting on your chest now, a hand in your hair and the other keeping herself steady. Unable to tear her eyes away from your face as you worked on her, an intense ripple of pleasure rushed through her when your eyes met hers. As you tugged her clit back between your lips and sucked all whilst flicking it with your tongue over and over, she was done for. Her head dropped back and her hands now gripped your head with all her desperate strength as she cried a far louder noise than you had ever heard from her before. Her release fell from her entrance right onto your wait tongue, making sure to keep up the intensity until you felt her body relax within your arms.

“Shit!” Crypto cursed and you felt his cock again twitch within you as Loba rolled off to your side, “Are you close?” He asked, voice strained and breathless.

“Yes!” Now that Loba was off of you, you were free to reach forward and cling to him, nails digging into the back of his shoulders and dragging him back down onto the bed with you. With the new angle, his cock hit right where you needed it, the tip brushing over your g-spot over and over as his hand continued to work on your clit. You were almost there now, he could feel it. You felt so good, clenching and releasing around him as a new rush of moisture left you. Loba decided at that moment that sucking one of your nipples into her mouth was a good idea. Suffice to say: It was and it very nearly finished you off. You looked up at them above you, their focus solely on you as they worked and shaped your flesh to bring you the most pleasure they could.

It was only when Crypto leaned in to kiss you that you finally came for the third time that night. Neither he nor Loba ceased their efforts until your orgasm fully ceased. Wave upon wave of glorious pleasure washed over you. Your release was enough for Crypto to come again too, his face buried in your neck as he whimpered. Your oversensitive walls welcomed the sensation of him filling you again.

Loba collapsed at your side and Crypto basically flattened out on top of you before realising that maybe wasn’t the best idea and rolling off of you. Their hands were still on you. Gentle, loving caresses as you caught your breath and fully came down from your high. Your skin still pleasantly tingled from their touch, small shivers still coursing through from your orgasm. All three of you were spent and thoroughly satisfied.

Your muscles still felt soft but you knew you would be sore in the morning. All you wanted to do right now was to lay with them. Feel their arms around you and them in yours. Have Loba hold you from behind whilst Crypto buried his face in your shoulder and clung to you like a Koala bear. You just wanted to drift off in their arms.

But then the doorbell decided it was going to ring.

Crypto moved to get it but Loba stopped him. “No no no, you go to the bathroom. I’ll get it.” Before pulling Crypto’s shirt over her head again and attempting to fix her hair, she covered you with your sheets, a wad of cash in her hand ready for the delivery driver. She looked adorable in such a long t-shirt, so long it came to her mid-thighs. A plain black t-shirt with no shape and clearly sex-tousled hair yet she still looked like she belonged in a magazine.

“Pizza’s finally here!” She exclaimed, kicking the door shut behind her, a large flat box in her hand. Her other hand was empty and the massive bundle of cash was nowhere to be found.

“How much was the pizza, Loba?”

She shrugged as she set the box down atop your covers, “No idea, you know I like to tip big!” Crypto returned from the bathroom, wearing only his pair of sweatpants you had given Loba earlier, “Off you go, your turn.” She nodded towards the bathroom. She was very responsible when it came to after sex. As much as you wanted to sleep afterwards, she was always adamant you go clean yourself up first. It was one of her rare ways of showing how much she cared.

When you were finished, you toddled out of the bathroom and back towards your bed, feeling decidedly underdressed before Taejoon noticed you rummaging for something comfortable and tossed you the very shirt he was wearing that day, with a smile. That left none for him but he didn’t seem to mind. As you pulled the fabric over your head, you couldn’t help but inhale his scent that lingered.

The three of you sat on your bed in relative silence, eating the lukewarm pizza until your hunger ceased. For once, Crypto was the first to interrupt the silence when he left the bed to check up on the decryption status, “Another nine hours until the decryption is complete”.

Loba yawned, both from tiredness and at the thought of waiting nine hours for anything, “Well, in that case, we had better get comfortable.” She took the empty pizza box from your bed and discarded it by your desk.

After gathering up all the courage your tired brain could muster, “So… what do you say you guys both sleep here tonight?” You asked. Crypto was already stretched out at your back, his arms wrapping around you and his warmth seeping into you when he said, “No, I think we should awkwardly go back to our own rooms and talk in the morning.” You scoffed, knowing he was joking, he took every given opportunity to have you in his arms.

Loba stood at the edge of your bed like she was actually considering what he said to be something other than sarcasm. She rarely stayed with you after sex. Even in her own apartment, she would place a kiss on your temple then leave no doubt to pull some kind of heist. It was almost like she was afraid to get too attached to you like someone might take her from you as well as everyone else she had ever loved. But now, as she looked at you, your eyes all soft all and pleading, she thought back to only a few hours ago in the medbay when you fretted over Crypto and had told her you would do the same for her. She realised she could more than just meaningless material things and vengeance. She finally felt like she deserved more.

She sighed, “Well, alright. Not like I’m doing anything else tonight.” And so she clambered beneath the covers and into your open arms. “Have we done enough to satisfy?” She asked and you couldn’t help but laugh. Your legs were already beginning to ache and your entire body felt like each nerve ending and been caressed.

“Just being able to spend time with you both is already enough,” Her hand came to cup your cheek, thumb tracing over your cheekbone. You felt Crypto place a kiss on the top of your head as he allowed himself to relax a little more, his body near-painted onto the back of yours, “But yes, thoroughly. You’re both so wonderful that I never really thought to stop and wonder what it would be like to have you together and it was better than I ever could have hoped for. Thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“Oh sweetheart, you do so much more for us than we could ever hope to repay.” She pecked your check.

“More than we deserve.”

“That’s not true, Ta-” you cut yourself off, “That’s not true. You shouldn’t have to worry about the Syndicate or Revenant trying to take you out every ten minutes. You deserve to be happy and safe a-and loved. As long as I’m around, I’ll do my best to make sure you feel that way. Because I know that’s not something neither of you have had in a very long time.”

Taejoon tightened his arms around you, holding you closer to his chest. He placed one hand over yours as you rested it on Loba’s side, his fingers interlocking with yours. That meant so much more to him than he would ever let on in front of Loba. Meanwhile, you could see the water pooling in the corners of her eyes as she looked at you so endearingly. She brought her lips to yours for a moment, in the softest kiss you’d ever felt from her before she nuzzled her nose into your cheek.

Sandwiched between them in a mess of warm and tangled limbs, you felt safe and for once,  they did too. Loba was the first to drift off to sleep, her grip on you going lax as her breath evened. You felt Crypto shift behind you slightly, his arm beneath you no doubt beginning to go numb.

“It’s alright, you can rest. We’ll still be here when you wake up.” He whispered, voice as soft as he could make it.

And so you did. With Loba sound asleep in your arms and Taejoon wrapping you up in his, you let your tired limbs melt into the soft mattress below and your heavy eyelids close for the night.

Tagging (Thank you for liking/ rbing that post to be tagged :D ): @kumiakum @dragon-chica @lonelyintheclub @wintergirlsoilder2 @itsthedoctah10 @quinn-lee @askloba @julestheengineer1 @smolminimonnie @peachymochimochi @korean-crypted-trash @speakinjapanese @lilacburned​  @bring-me-the-videogames​ (If you’d like to be untagged, please let me know!)

[longitud-de-onda]

mistakes like this, pt. 3

pairing; javier peña x female reader summary; you return to your apartment and javier shows up at your door rating; t warnings; none? angst? shouting? way too many people knocking on one persons door? word count; 3.2k a/n; if you missed it, there’s a playlist here

previous; part one, part two

mistakes like this masterlist

In the hours you had been lying on the couch letting the tears dry up on your skin, the pain of rejection had numbed and you were left with anger and self-pity at your own stupidity, for thinking it would be more, for thinking it meant something, for thinking Javier would care about you after everything.

Someone knocked on your door and you couldn’t bring yourself to stand up and get it. You didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Whoever it was could wait until tomorrow. Or next week. Whenever you had recovered.

They knocked again and you groaned. Didn’t they understand? No answer meant you weren’t home. Or you weren’t interested. Perhaps both.

You stayed seated on the couch.

“Y/N?” said a muffled voice from behind your front door.

You couldn’t tell who it was. It didn’t matter, whoever it was wouldn’t get an open door.

“Y/N, I know you’re in there,” Shit. That was Javier. “Connie said she heard you come in. Unless, of course, you’re not there. In which case, I guess I’ll say it anyway, and—”

“What the fuck do you want!?” you swung the door open. In the time he had taken to say those sentences the latent anger had coursed through your veins, and all you wanted was for Javier to hurt as much as you were now. You had sprung up from the couch and stormed to the door, where you now stood, taking in Javier.

He looked as bad as he did that morning at work. If not worse. It made you feel better. If only a little bit. Maybe he hadn’t slept last night. Maybe he had cried. Maybe, you thought hopefully, he felt guilty. Whatever the reason, seeing red rings around his eyes and the forlorn look on his face made some sadistic part of your brain smile.

“Can we talk about this like adults?” he said.

“You clearly don’t want to talk about it like an adult, gossiping behind my back,” you said. “You even fucking told Steve, and now he knows how much of a whore I am.”

“I—you’re not—,” Javier sputtered, “I just meant we need to talk about things, we haven’t talked, and obviously that hasn’t been good.”

“We don’t need to talk, you’ve said enough as it is,” you exhaled.

You didn’t know how to do this. You didn’t know how to be angry at Javier. In the entire half-decade you had known him, you had never felt this hurt by him. You had yelled at each other, sure, but never with the ire that filled you now. It took all your energy to stay wound up and strong in front of him when all you wanted to do was curl up and cry.

“Earlier today,” Javier slowed down, “I didn’t mean—”

“You didn’t mean what? I heard all of it.”

“Look, Y/N, I know I fucked up, I said some stuff that I shouldn’t—”

“You fucked up when you looked at me on Saturday night, perfectly sober, and saw another conquest, some drunk girl to take advantage of and not your best friend. Not when you said some shit in the office!” you yelled, and some of the tears you were trying to keep in spilled out.

He stepped backward.

“I’m really sorry, I, uh,” he said, his voice dropping to a tone just above a whisper, “I don’t think I realized how much it would ruin things.”

You looked down at the floor. You couldn’t bear to look Javier in the eyes as you admitted, “Don’t you understand? It hurts, so much, it hurts to think about how close we used to be. And now all that is gone.”

“We can still be friends,” he said, and you looked back up at him. How could he say that?

“Javier,” you breathed, keeping your voice as low and composed as possible, “We can’t be friends anymore, and you fucking know it.”

“No! The other night doesn’t have to change things,” Javier said, and that had to be the closest either of you had gotten to actually talking about what happened in front of each other.

It would have been so easy to say yes. To let things go back to how they were before. That’s what he was offering? Wasn’t it? A chance to forgive and forget.

Except you wouldn’t ever be able to forget. You would see him every day at work. Maybe the pain of what he had said would dull, you’d forget some of the details, but you’d forever be plagued by his words. Going back to how it was before would mean sitting next to him eating calzones from the only good pizza place in Bogotá, going out to bars together, watching him take home other girls. And you couldn’t do that. Now that you had had a taste of things, there was no going back. It would hurt too much.

“The other night was a mistake,” you said, your heart starting to fall apart in the process, “One that I will not be making again.”

Javier’s face fell, and you almost felt bad. You almost wanted to take it back.

“Y/N,” his voice was strained, “Please—”

“Get out of my doorway, Javier. Get out and leave me alone,” you said. It was out of desperation, lacking any force, but he got the message. Javier turned around and, making no motion to return to his apartment, headed straight down the stairs.

You closed the door and collapsed on the floor. You realized then that your face was wet with tears and your whole body hurt.

You could have been sitting there for seconds or hours when you heard another knock.

“Go away, Javi!” you called.

“It’s not Javi, Y/N,” it was a female voice. Connie. You stood up, wiping your eyes on your sleeves, and opened the door.

“Hey,” you tried to smile.

“Oh, hon,” Connie’s voice was full of sympathy as she pulled you into a warm hug.

She closed your door behind you and led you to the couch, where she sat you down.

“I heard some yelling, Steve came home saying you all had a rough day and Javi didn’t look too well himself. I wanted to check in,” Connie said.

“What did Steve say?” you weren’t sure you wanted Connie to hear about things from Murphy, especially given that he got his information from Javier.

“Not much, Javier ruined the day somehow and because of that no one’s getting any work done?” she said.

You laughed a bit, “Of course he was worried that we weren’t working.”

“But do you want to tell me what happened?” Connie said, “I know you and Javier are best friends, but—”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Connie,” you said, “It’s not important.”

“I thought you’d say that,” she smiled, and you silently thanked her for not calling you out on your bullshit. You both knew how important this was.

“Why don’t we watch some TV together, some trashy, feel-good thing and forget about stuff for a bit,” she said, and you nodded.

Connie was incredible when it came to comforting you, there was no question about why she worked in hospitals and with kids. She cared so much about people.

She reached over you to grab the remote and flicked on your small television. After switching between a few channels, she found a black and white American romance film from the fifties that she freaked out about.

You leaned back on the couch, knees curled up underneath you, and let the film wash over you. It was dramatic as hell, lots of crying in the rain and emotional monologues. It was easy to get caught up in it while also ignoring the entire plot.

About an hour in, the girl in the movie was bawling to the guy and he was tugging her into her arms and you turned to Connie.

“Javier and I slept with each other,” you said.

“What?!” she looked surprised. That was good, you supposed. It meant Steve was good at keeping his mouth shut, “What happened?”

“You remember Saturday night? When you and Steve left the bar early?” you said. She smiled, probably reliving the memory. You knew that you and Javier weren’t the only two fucking that night.

“Yes.”

“Well, Javi and I, we stayed for a while, I was drunk, and we went home. I left my keys at work and he let me stay in his apartment, and we were taking pain meds and eating toast before going to sleep when he... when he kissed me,” you took a deep breath, “He kissed me and then we made out in the kitchen, and then everything else happened and we fell asleep in his bed together.”

“Y/N! That’s good, right?” she said. Your brow furrowed.

“I mean, you’ve been wanting to sleep with him for years, I’ve seen the way you look at him,” she continued. You felt the blood rush to your cheeks as you blushed.

“I, uh, yeah, I don’t know, Connie,” you felt yourself starting to tear up again, “It was awful.”

The sobs took over your body and Connie pulled you in, letting you cry it out. When you calmed down, you continued.

“I thought I wanted it, I really did. It wasn’t just the alcohol. We woke up and he just got up and left, threw my clothes on the bed, didn’t say a word. He ignored me as much as possible. I—” the tears returned and you paused.

“You know how he is, Connie, he doesn’t do emotions. He doesn’t do relationships. I just, I felt disgusting and he kept going on with his life like I was another one of his informants or prostitutes, and he stopped talking to me, like we were no longer friends.”

“God, Y/N, that’s... I’m so sorry. I knew Javi was bad about girls, but with you? I didn’t think he could do that to you, you’re so important to him.” Connie was genuinely concerned. You would have to buy her that bottle of wine she loves from Medellín next time you were up there for work. She deserved something for sitting through you crying and listening so well.

“I didn’t think so either, but I guess I was wrong,” you said, “At work today, I went out for lunch and I came back. He was talking to Steve, and—Connie it was awful—he said he was actually sober and he used me to sleep with, and then he said he regretted all of it and wished it hadn’t happened and—I don’t know, it was terrible and I didn’t know what to do. I left.”

“Y/N,” Connie whispered. She didn’t know what else to say.

“I just, I hate that despite how awful he is, I still love him,” you mumbled.

Did you say that out loud? You hadn’t even admitted it to yourself, but as you said the words, you knew how true they were. You loved Javier, and it hurt, a lot, that he didn’t feel the same.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, you don’t deserve this,” Connie said. “If that’s how Javier’s going to act, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I know, but even if he doesn’t deserve me, I still want him, I still love him,” you cried, “Does that make me a terrible person?”

“Of course not,” Connie pulled you into a hug, “Of course it doesn’t.”

You sat like that for a while, the movie still playing quietly in the background.

A soft knock sounded on the door along with Steve’s voice, asking for Connie. She stood up and you followed her, opening the door.

“Hey, Y/N, I’m sorry about today,” Steve looked uncomfortable, “And I’m going to have to steal Connie from you, someone from work is calling the apartment? Something urgent.”

Connie nodded and kissed your cheek goodbye before rushing up the stairs.

“So, um,” Steve started.

“Yeah, I reacted badly today, I know,” you said, wanting to cover up how much it hurt.

“No,” he said, “You didn’t. I wanted to tell you that maybe you shouldn’t come in tomorrow. Unless, you know, you and Javier figure things out.”

“Steve, I can’t,” you protested, “It’s my job, I don’t want to take a vacation day—”

“Not a vacation day. A break. No one has to know, and, between you and me, Javier said some shitty things. He deserves to suffer through some paperwork, and I don’t think anything’s going to happen if you’re both there.”

“No, I can come in, I can work somewhere else in the building, in the conference room or something,” you said. “I can go.”

“Y/N, you deserve a break. Please?”

“Fine, but I’m coming back on Wednesday,” you said, “and that’s non-negotiable.”

He laughed, “Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you workaholic.”

“Right, well, thanks, Steve,” you said, “Um, good night. Say thank you to Connie for me too, she was an angel.”

“Yeah, good night, Y/N,” he said before walking up the stairs.

You closed the door and walked back into the heart of your apartment. It felt a lot better now, having the support of Steve and Connie. Everything still hurt—Javier’s words from earlier, you rejecting his friendship—and your social life had fallen apart, but you had begun to accept things.

The rest of the evening passed slowly. You turned off the TV and started making dinner. At one point, you heard Connie and Steve leave the building.

A car alarm went off in the distance, and you walked over to your window. It was dark outside, the street lamps casting an orange glow across the roads. Bogotá was loud at night, the sound of parties spilling out into the streets and drunken festivities were commonplace, even on a weekday. From your second-floor apartment, placed just outside of the more lively part of the city, this noise was muted but still provided a background that was only somewhat welcome during nights where you needed sleep.

You closed the window, stopping the draft that blew around your home and shutting out any exterior noise. You wanted some quiet.

Seldom did you have a night like this. You had finished your dinner, and yet there was nothing to do. You weren’t in the mood to go out and you didn’t have anyone to do so with. Javier wasn’t available, you couldn’t go over to his apartment for a drink, and he wouldn’t be wandering into your apartment to sit around and talk. The thought struck you like a stray bullet: he probably would never wander into your apartment again.

Looking back at your conversation from earlier, both options sucked. Going back to being friends would kill you from the inside, working its way through your body like a plague, destroying you. But this wasn’t much better. Now, you were nothing to Javier. He was going to be almost entirely gone from your life. You were just another girl he had needed to warm his bed for a night. And you still loved him.

Wednesday, you’d go into work, and he would be there, snarky grin and all, and you’d have to sit next to him, this time as no one but a coworker.

What if you requested a transfer? You could go back to the states or hit up another country. Las Honduras, right over the border, had drug issues too, some of the narcos in Colombia decided the police crackdown was already too much and relocated their operations over the border. You could go somewhere else, and never have to look Javier in the face again.

That was a horrible idea. You were as much into this mess with Escobar as Javier and Steve, and you were going to see this through. Once Escobar was gone, though? you were going to run and never look back.

With nothing to do in the hour or two before falling asleep, you curled up on the couch, draping a blanket across your lap, and opened the book you started months ago. Life hadn’t allowed you to read, let alone set aside enough time to finish a book.

You could have spent more of your free time like this, but exploring Bogotá with Javier, clubbing with Steve and Connie, going out to dinner with everyone, that was how you liked to use your time.

After a couple hours, you heard the distinct sound of someone climbing the stairs outside your apartment and the elongated jingling of keys unlocking Javier’s door. You looked at the clock, it was almost eleven. Apparently, Javier had a late night too, but he was out doing something.

If you hadn’t fought, you might have been invited out too. Gotten to go dancing. Or something.

You closed your book. It was time to call it a night and go to sleep. You folded up the blanket, draped it over the back of the couch, and started walking back to your bedroom when you heard it.

A moan.

Definitely a moan. Coming from Javier’s apartment. You had gotten used to it, it was a common sound on any given night the past 5 years. But tonight? Tonight it came with the feeling that your heart had been ripped out and cut into little pieces in front of you.

You could even pick out Javi’s groans from the gasps of whatever woman he had brought back with him. It was the same sounds that drove you to orgasm before. And you recognized your own voice in that of the woman’s.

Did she know how many women he did that too? Did he seduce her in the kitchen the same way he did with you? Did she know that he’d kick her out as soon as they finished? Did she know she was going to be just another body in the long line of women Javier used to fuck out his problems?

You were frozen in the hallway, and the tears were falling freely and silently down your cheeks.

It kept going. This? This was torture. You thought about transferring for the second time that night.

The moans paused, and someone let out a sound that was a lot closer to a scream. You were about to run into the bathroom and vomit. But then there was a yell, and some more shrieking. It sounded like they were arguing. You couldn’t make out the words, but it didn’t sound good.

This was new. Of the hundreds of one-night-stands he had had, this was the first to end this way.

A door slammed and someone was clearly storming down the stairs, out of the building. If your heart jumped a bit at the woman’s exit, you weren’t about to acknowledge it.

You weren’t sure what to do. It didn’t sound like anyone was hurt, but you couldn’t be sure. DEA agents lived a dangerous life. You were constantly at risk. If something happened?

You cleared those thoughts. It was just sex that ended badly. Sex that broke your heart, but nevertheless was just sex.

Closing your eyes tightly to clear the tears, you continued to your bed. You couldn’t deal with this anymore. It would have to wait until tomorrow.

You changed into your pajamas, went to brush your teeth, and lay down. You were beginning to drift off when for the fourth time that night, you heard a knock on the door.

It sounded urgent.

You dragged yourself out from under the covers and up from the bed, trudging to the door and swinging it open.

Javier stood in front of you, shirtless, hair mussed up, lips swollen, and wet tear trails glistening on his cheeks in the hall light.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

next part

taglist; @pascalisthepunkest, @turqoisenights, @raven974, @ryunochii,  @kawaiitimecharm, @baar-ur, @coffeeandtodd, @mando-vibes, @aeryntheofficial,  @thefuturelawyer, @flapjacques, @letaliabane​, @c0recl0wn​, @equalstrashflavoredtrash​, @lillietheoneandonly​, @arrowswithwifi​ 

[wonderswritings]

Flight

Summary: Boise is expecting you, your brother, your husband and the residents to help with their conjoined twin surgery. You’re all prepared to go, practicing for weeks for the surgery except you never make it to Boise. Well, not for the reason you were going at least.

Warnings: Angst, Blood, Miscarriage, Depression, PTSD?

Pairings: Mark Sloan x Wife!Reader, Derek Shepherd x Sister!Reader

@redama: Mark Sloan x wife!reader? Where during the plane crash the reader is on the plane as well. I want it to be angsty and Mark is completely in love with reader and Lexi is just a friend and nothing more. If you decide to stick with what happened in the show and Mark dies then have the reader die in the woods please. If Mark lives then maybe the reader can live too. I've always liked Mark and I feel like his character development was wasted when he died. Thanks in advance!!!

AN: Dude I literally just watched the airplane episode! First four times I watched it didn’t cry, this time, tears. So I'm fresh off the angst train for you! And I definitely agree with you, they did Mark dirty. 💙

So for this, Mark did not sleep with Callie! More like it was just a sperm donation so she could have a baby but they did not sleep together!

Every medical term used that was not in the episode was taken from sites on google.

Please do not read any further if miscarriage is a trigger for you! I didn’t go into detail about how but I know it can be triggering for some!

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

“You son of a bitch. I had to hear it from Hunt? What you couldn’t even be man enough to tell me yourself?”

“Sweetie.”

Callie turned towards Alex, sighing softly.

“She has had a horrible day, I am so-”

“No, you ungrateful crap dog!”

“Robins they want me. Alright, they really want me.”

“It’s Hopkins. You went there. You of all people should know that.”

“You are a miserable, miserable bastard.”

Arizona stepped back, gasping.

“Oh well you, you’re actually going?”

“Can we talk about this when I get back?”

“No!”

Arizona grabbed the charts from Alex, bringing them to her chest.

“What are you doing?”

“Look at Alex, showing us all up by going to Hopkins.”

“No you are not going to Boise because you no longer represent this hospital!”

“Oh give me a break!”

I grinned as I handed the nurse my chart, walking past them.

“If Robins lets him live that long.”

Meredith and Cristina laughed, the two carrying on with their conversation as I stopped in front of Mark and Derek.

“Think Arizona kills him before we leave or when we get back?”

Mark grinned, laughing.

“Arizona won’t kill him, yet. There’s to many witnesses.”

I laughed, shaking my head as Derek handed me my jacket.  

“Fine you know what? Forget the charts. Go see if they need help in the clinic.”

“I’ve been prepping for this surgery for days!”

Alex ended up walking away as Callie tried to calm Arizona down, Mark wrapping his arm around me as we walked out of the hospital, Mark helping me onto the bus before he was putting our things in the back, helping Derek. It was a quick ride to the airport, our bags being taken as we boarded the plane. I took my jacket off as I sat down, Mark coming in after Derek and Meredith who sat behind us.

“Oh this is crap!”

“You know what? Fine! Fine!”

“You okay? I know you don’t like to fly.”

I smiled, taking Mark’s hand in mine.

“I’ll be okay. You’re here with me.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

A month ago, you were in med school being taught by doctors. Today, you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Eight of you will switch to an easier specialty. Five of you will crack under the pressure. Two of you will be asked to leave. This is your arena. How well you play, that’s up to you.

“Mer? Meredith! Meredith! Get up! You have to get up, now! Meredith! Get up!”

Meredith groaned as Cristina pulled her up, looking around. She could see a part of the plane and Mark, Arizona screaming.

“How long was I out?”

“I don’t, I-I don’t know. I lost my, I lost my shoe!”

Meredth gasped as she pulled the shard of glass out of her leg, wrapping the shirt around it.

“Where’s, where’s Derek and Lexie?”

“I don’t, I don’t know. I lost a shoe.”

“What happened?”

“The plane crashed, that’s what happened. We were in a plane and it crashed! Plane crash.”

“Where is Derek?”

Meredith’s voice carried as she looked around, turning.

“Cristina, where is Derek?”

“He was sucked out the side when we hit the trees, and then the back of the plane came off. It came, it came off.”

Meredith reached back, feeling something wet on her fingers.

“Lexie and Y/N  were in the back of the plane.”

“I-I looked to the back and all I could see was freaking sky.”

“Where are they?”

“I don’t know! I only have one shoe!”

“I’m bleeding.”

Cristina turned towards Arizona, yelling.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

Arizona whimpered when they heard something banging, looking around for the source.

“Do you hear, do you hear that sound?”

“There.”

Arizona pointed towards the hill.

“It’s coming from over there.”

It took them some time, walking up the hill and over the broken tree’s when they stopped, seeing the tail end of the plane.

“Derek! Lexie! Y/N!”

They looked around, seeing movement from under the bed.

“Lexie.”

Mark got down on the ground, laying on his front as he reached under, placing his fingers on Lexi’s neck, feeling for a pulse.

“Lexie. Lexie.”

“I knew you'd show up.”

“How is she?”

Mark turned back towards Meredith, nodding slightly before he looked back over at Lexi.

“She's awake and responsive.”

“How you doing in there?”

“I'm, I'm great.”

“Yeah?”

Mark smiled softly, nodding.

“Good girl.”

“We're gonna get you outta here, okay?”

“Okay.”

Mark got up, placing his hands on his knees, his breathing laboured.

“She's tachycardic and short of breath.”

“We have to find Derek and Y/N.”

“We've got Lexie. So go. Go find him. Go, go. Go try and find them.”

“Okay, you know what?”

Cristina nodded, turning towards Meredith.

Meredith nodded, turning when Mark called out.

“Wait a minute.”

He got back down on the ground, looking over at Lexi.

“Lexi, Lexi where is Y/N? Did you see her?”

Lexi coughed as she slowly shook her head.

“She, she was walking by me and then she was gone.”

Mark clenched his jaw as he nodded, getting up and looking over at Meredith.

“Keep an eye out for Y/N? She’s out there somewhere.”

Meredith nodded as she turned, calling out for Derek and Y/N.

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

Cristina could just barely hear Meredith calling out for Derek and Y/N as she walked back towards the plane, her arm in a sling made out of a shirt. Cristina started grabbing some sticks, a piece of metal she had found that was still in good shape, a shirt and a belt, throwing it down beside Arizona, kneeling in front of her.

“I’m gonna try and splint this.”

“No I can do it. I can do it.”

She sniffled as she grabbed the belt from Cristina, looking up towards the plane.

“Uh, Jerry needs c-spine stabilization.”

“Who's Jerry?”

Cristina gave Arizona the things she had grabbed, looking over at her when Arizona nodded up towards the plane.

“How are you doing there, Jerry?”

Cristina made a face as she got up, huffing.

“I give us four hours tops before they find us.”

Cristina stopped in the doorway, leaning against it.

Cristina walked around the plane to the opening in the back.

“There's a transmitter in the plane that lets out a squawk that should lead 'em right to us.”

“Did you find Derek?”

“Uh, not yet. Uh, Jerry, uh, do you, uh, have any tape?”

“In the cabinet to your left. There's a flare gun in there, too.”

“Uh, yeah. In the bulkhead.”

Cristina nodded, turning and opening the cabinet.

“Yes.”

“You hear a chopper, you fire it straight up.”

“And Lexie?”

“Not good.”

Cristina went to turn when she saw a broken board, picking it up.

“Oh, great. Great, great, great, great, great.”

Cristina placed the board behind Jerry’s back, pulling the tape and cutting it with her teeth.

“What about Y/N?”

“We can’t find her.”

Arizona yelped as she twisted the stick, whimpering.

“Okay, keep your head very still.”

Cristina wrapped the tape around Jerry’s head, checking to make sure it was secure.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Good, good.”

Cristina leaned forward, sighing softly.

Cristina turned, sighing.

“Jerry, is there a first aid kit?”

“A yeah, a big one. In the cabinet on your right, behind the cockpit.”

“There's no cabinet there.”

“Just tell her to hang on for another four hours.”

Cristina grabbed the backpack from the ground, yanking the cabinet open, pushing the water bottles out, falling to the ground as she stuffed them into the bag.

“Great.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Hey, hey, wait. Don't leave! I-I can't feel my legs. That's because I'm trapped, right? I mean, I'm gonna be okay, right? I'm not paralyzed. I'm gonna walk again. I'm gonna be okay, right?”

Cristina made a face as she zipped the backpack up, getting up and turning back towards Jerry. She grabbed the pen she saw, picking it up and slamming it into Jerry’s leg.

Cristina grabbed what she could carry, placing the backpacks on her shoulders as Arizona screamed and cried.

“Cristina.”

Cristina stopped, turning as Meredith walked towards her.

“I can't find him. I can’t find him or Y/N. I looked everywhere. I can't find him.”

Cristina nodded, walking towards Meredith.

“Maybe he's fine. Maybe he went for help.”

“Maybe, but I gotta, I gotta keep looking.”

Cristina shook her head, looking in Meredith’s eyes.

“No, Meredith. You should come help Lexie.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

First it was cold. Then it was hot. Searing hot. It felt like my entire body was on fire as I came to, gasping. I shook my head as I looked around, tilting my head to the side as everything was upside down.

“Wh-

“Y/N!”

I looked around, not seeing anyone but trees and a part of the plane. The plane was hanging in the tree above me, and I was upside down, my foot caught in a branch as the other dangled.

“Oh god.”

It took me some time to get my left foot onto the branch where my right foot was caught, any movement I made only causing me more pain. I closed my eyes once I was about to keep my foot on the branch, swinging back. I screamed, trying to grab onto anything to stop myself from swinging. I placed my hand on my chest, feeling around for any broken ribs, groaning when it felt like two were broken.

“Come on Y/N, you can do this.”

Gasping, I swung myself back, groaning as I tried to grab the branch.

“Come on, come on.”

My fingers skimmed the branch the second time, and I whimpered as I swung back a third time, grabbing the branch.

“Yes!”

It took longer than I’d like to admit, pulling myself up. Luckily Mark liked to work out in the mornings, the push ups I said I’d never need to use coming in handy. It was hard, pushing myself up and twisting so I could get my foot from the branch. Everything I tried to do only seemed to make it worse, and I knew the others were too far to help, and there was no telling what their conditions were. Before I could think too much about it, I yanked my leg really hard, gasping once it was free.

“Oh thank god.”

My relief was short lived as I lost my grip on the branch, hitting the branches as I fell to the ground, my eyes closing.

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

“Derek! Derek! Y/N! Y/N!”

“I don't understand how this keeps happening.”

“Cristina, we have to find him.”

“I'm serious. I do not understand how this keeps happening.”

“We have to find him, because I don't think he went for help.”

“We keep dying. We're in a plane crash, Mer. Like, like right now.”

“If he went for help, if Derek had gone for help, he would've sent a message or something. I mean, we have to find him. Something is wrong.”

“I can tell you one thing. When we get out of here, I am getting the hell away from Seattle Grace mercy death, and I'm never looking back!”

“Cristina I think Derek is dead. “

Cristina turned towards Meredith, tears streaming down her face as she shook her head, waving her hand around.

“He would've come for us by now. He definitely would've come for us by now. I think he's dead. And Lexie's dead. And Y/N probably is dead. My husband and my sisters are all dead! And we are gonna die out here, too! We are gonna die out here-

Cristina placed her good hand on the side of Meredith’s face, shaking her slightly.

“Keep it together. Keep it together.”

Meredith shook her head, yelling.

“No, you keep it together!”

“I'm trying! I know. Keep keep it together anyway. Keep it together anyway.”

“My sister is dead.”

Crisitna’s face fell as she nodded, sighing.

“Keep it together anyway.”

“Do you think Derek and Y/N are dead?

“I don't know. Maybe. But I've got P.T.S.D., so you know I'm not reliable.”

“Cristina You are still my person, even if I'm not yours.”

Meredith started to cry, causing Cristina to start to cry.

“Meredith, Meredith.”

“Meredith.”

They both turned, seeing Derek stumbling towards them, cradling his hand to his chest. “Oh, I heard your voice. I thought, I, I thought I was dreaming.”

He fell to the ground, Meredith gasping as she walked towards him.

“Oh, my God.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

Cristina was rummaging through their things in the plan3, pulling out what they could use.

“Oh, I found it!”

“The first aid box?”

“My shoe.”

“Is she gonna be okay?”

“She's not barefoot anymore.”

“Well, I guess that's something.”

Cristina placed everything in a suitcase after putting her shoe on, pulling it behind her as she walked back towards Meredith and Derek. Meredith was pouring the alcohol on Derek’s arm, causing him to yell.

“Aah! Son of a damn it.”

“I know.”

“Oh, son of a-”

“I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”

“Where's Lexie?”

Meredith felt the tears coming again as Derek shook his head.

“No?”

“Oh.”

“Okay, let's just keep it together, okay?”

“What about Y/N?”

Meredith gasped, looking down at Derek.

“We haven’t found her. Mark went looking for her but I made him come back, I was scared he’d get lost.”

Derek nodded, biting his bottom lip.

“Loosen the tourniquet a little bit.”

“You'll bleed to death.”

“I need to save my hand.”

“Well, I'm trying to save your life.”

“Okay, we have to close the wound.”

Cristina fell to her knees on the other side of Derek, laying the things she brought in front of her.

“Use the safety pin.”

Cristina handed Meredith the safety pin as Meredith looked down at Derek.

“Weave your way inside and out and then put the bandana on top of it and tape it.”

“And what's the what's the t-shirt for?”

“Put it in my mouth. I'm probably gonna scream a lot, and I'm gonna I'm gonna, I'm gonna pass out.”

Cristina placed the shirt in Derek’s mouth, holding it there as Meredith started to weave the safety pin.

“Okay. Good. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry Please pass out. Please pass out. Please pass out.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

Cristina gasped as she found matches, holding them up towards Meredith.

“Matches. Yes, God. Finally, fire. We can build a fire.”

“We should. They'll see a fire. Let's get a fire started.”

“Yeah, Mark. We need, we need to start a fire.”

Cristina bit her lip as she got up, walking towards Mark.

“Mark. Mark. You have to help.”

Meredith moved to get up, shaking her head.

“I-I'll figure out how to get it started.”

“No, no. You know what? He doesn't get to do this. He doesn't get to stop helping. I'm sorry we can’t find Y/N, but she was Derek’s sister, she was your sister, and you're still helping. He has to help because the sky is falling, Mark.”

“Cristina.”

Cristina turned back towards Derek, yelling as she waved her arm around.

“No, no, no. You know, if there's one thing that I've learned with all the the bombs and the guns to my head and and the buses running down my friends is that I am not interested in dying. I want to get out of here, and I want to go home. And everyone has to help. Mark, get up. Get up and help, Mark. Get up.”

Cristina placed her hand on his shoulder, causing Mark to fall forward, Cristina grabbing his face in her hand, feeling for a pulse.

“Mark? Mark? Mark? Mark. Please. Please be okay.”

She grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him down to the ground, ripping his scrub top.

“Mark. Oh! Oh, crap. Mer!”

Meredith helped Derek over to Mark, kneeling on Mark’s left as Derek kneeled beside Cristina who was listening to his heart.

“It's a cardiac tamponade.”

“Are you sure?”

“Seventy five percent. Seventy percent sure.”

Derek looked over at Meredith, making a face.

“That’s not very sure.”

“Well, if you want me to be sure, get me an ultrasound.

“We have to drain his pericardial sac and relieve the pressure, or or his heart will stop.

“With what? We don't even have an 18-gauge spinal needle.

“I don't know.”

“All right. Okay, I got it.”

Derek held the bottle towards Cristina, nodding.

“Okay. Hold this. Take the top off. Okay.”

“Why?”

“Use that right there.”

“Ohh.”

Cristina unscrewed the lid, pulling it out of the bottle.

“Use the tube.”

“Brilliant. Brilliant. Okay, this will work.”

Cristina held it out towards Meredith, leaning forward slightly.

“Sanitize that.”

“Is the tubing long enough?”

Cristina moved over to make room for Meredith, holding the tube.

“I'm going in, um, subxiphoid. Knife.”

Derek handed her the knife, Cristina spraying as Meredith cut.

Mark groaned, arching his back, Derek moving forward to keep him down.

“Okay needle”

“All right, Mark. Try not to move.”

“Easy, Mark. It's okay. Don't move. It's gonna be okay.”

“Aim for his left shoulder.”

“Wait. Don't puncture his heart.”

“I know, I know.”

Meredith stabbed the needle into Mark’s chest, Mark groaning.

“Deeper!”

Meredith pushed it deeper, blood pouring out of the needle.

“Good. Excellent. That's it. That's it. That's it. Great. Very good.

“It's gonna be okay.”

“That's good. That's it. That's exactly it.

“You did it.”

Cristina placed the bottle at the end of the needle as Derek sighed.

“Just let it drain into here.

“Oh, you did it. You got it.”

Derek kissed Meredith’s cheek as she nodded, smiling slightly.

“I got it.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

Cristina and Derek pulled Mark in front of Arizona, gasping as Meredith sat down behind Arizona.

“Hey. Mark? What happened?”

“Tamponade. Mer did a pericardiocentesis.”

“Oh, my God.”

“He's holding on for now.”

Arizona turned her head to look back at Meredith, looking around.

“Where's Lexie?”

Arizona looked up at Derek and then back at Meredith, getting louder.

“And Y/N?”

“They’re dead.”

Arizona gasped as she held back her tears, looking down at Mark.

“So we should get a fire started.”

“Oh, I've got I've got the matches.

Cristina handed the matches to Derek, sighing.

“We have five left.”

Derek nodded as he walked by Meredith.

“Make it big so they see.”

Arizona leaned her head back, cutting her eyes over to where Jerry was.

“What happened to the four hours, Jerry? It's been more than four hours.”

“Shh. Listen.”

“What does that mean? I mean, does that mean that they're not coming for us? I mean, you said four hours. You said four hours tops.”

“Ch-chopper!”

Cristina stopped what she was doing as Derek looked over at her, both of them looking up towards the sky.

“Oh, my God. It's a helicopter!”

“Hey! Help! Help! Hey!”

“Where is it? I don't see it.”

“I don't see it.”

“Help!”

“Get the flare gun! The flare gun! In the bag! In the bag!”

Meredith turned, grabbing the flare gun.

“Oh, God, shoot it!”

“We're down here! Come back!”

Meredith took aim, pulling the trigger.

“Why isn't it working?”

“Shoot it again! Shoot it again!”

“Give it to me.”

Derek took the gun from Meredith, trying it.

“Help! Help!”

“Oh, my God, no! Help!”

“Oh, my God.”

Derek cut his eyes down at the flare gun, making a face before he threw it.

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

Derek leaned against the side of the plane, listening to Jerry.

“Hey, they don't know where we are. They don't know where we are. It's because the transmitter's probably been damaged in the crash. If the transmitter's damaged-”

“We could be here for days.”

“Yeah.”

Derek looked over at Meredith, his face falling.

“Zola.”

Cristina turned towards Meredith, sighing.

“Owen has got to have figured out we're missing. I know he sent someone.”

Arizona was nodding off when Mark started to move, gasping and groaning. She woke up, looking down at Mark.

“Mark?”

His eyes were closed as she ran her fingers through his hair, her other hand on his chest when his eyes fluttered open.

“I shoulda said it earlier That I loved her. I shoulda said it earlier.”

“She, She knew. She knew Mark. Y/N knew.”

Mark slightly shook his head, groaning.

“She didn't know. She didn't know.”

His eyes started to close causing Arizona to panic, tears falling.

“Mark Mark, hold on. Okay, I need you I need you to hold on. You'll be okay.”

“You don't need me. You take care of our girls.”

“Shut up. Do you hear me? Shut up.”

“No. Shut up.”

Arizona gasped, shaking her head.

“Y/N's waiting for me. I'll be okay.”

“No! Mark Sloan, no! Hey! No. No. Sofia's waiting for you, and Callie is waiting for you, and I am waiting for you. We're gonna go home together, okay?”

Mark groaned as he nodded, his eyes closing.

“Inhh okay. Okay.”

“Okay. Okay.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

When I opened my eyes again it was dark out. I groaned as I sat up, looking around. I nearly wept when I saw a small light, pushing myself to get up. I wasn’t even half way up before I was falling again, crying out. I had to crawl to the tree, using it for leverage as I pulled myself up. I was able to pull a broken branch, using it as a walking stick, walking towards the source of light.

Good morning, Dr. Hunt. This is Dr.Sheehan over at Boise memorial. I just wanted to double-check what time your surgeons were set to arrive today.

“I'm hungry.”

“Think of something else.”

“I'm hungry.”

“I have a stick of gum.”

“I don't want gum.”

“I want food.”

I gasped as I fell again, huffing as I looked up at the hill.

“Come on dammit!”

Dr. Hunt, Dr. Sheehan again. Still no word from your surgeons. I'm gonna check in with the airport to see if the weather held 'em up.

The fire slowly started to go out, Cristina grabbing a stick and pushing it, grabbing the box of matches, shaking it.

“Oh. Shoot.”

“Great. We have one match left.”

She turned towards Meredith, slightly pushing her.

“Hey. No sleeping.”

“Yeah.”

“You have to stay awake.”

“Okay.”

“Derek. Derek. You, too. I want everyone conscious!”

“Okay.”

Cristina held the match box open towards Meredith.

“Mer, light the match. Careful. It's our last one.”

Meredith swiped the match against the side of the box, the match going out before she could relight the fire.

“Meredith.”

Cristina and Meredith both looked up, looking over towards the tree line, gasping.

“Y/N.”

Derek woke up when Meredith pushed him, groaning.

“Wha?”

Derek looked to where Meredith was pointing, seeing his sister walking towards them, dried blood along her hair line, blood pouring from her side where her hand was.

“Derek.”

They all gasped when Y/N’s eyes rolled back, falling to the ground.

“Oh god.”

They all jumped up as Arizona shook Mark, smiling down at him.

“Mark, Mark, Mark it’s Y/N, she’s here. She’s okay.”

“She’s alive.”

Arizona nodded, gasping as she watched the three turn Y/N onto her back.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s alive. Y/N is alive.”

This is Dr. Sheehan again. We're starting to get a bit concerned here.

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

I groaned as I came to, seeing a blurry Derek and Cristina, feeling hands pressing down on me causing me to scream.

“You’re going to be okay Y/N. You hear me? You’re going to be okay.”

Cristina. I’m pregnant.

I felt something pierce my side, causing me to arch my back as I groaned.

“I need you to stay still, okay? Just stay still. It’ll be over soon, I promise.”

Meredith Why can’t you hear me?

“You’re doing so good sweetheart, just stay awake.”

Derek. Derek I’m pregnant.

“Hand me that shirt, I need to wrap this.”

Where’s Mark? And Lexi? Where are they?

“Oh god, her pupils blown.”

Cristina looked over at Derek, shaking her head.

“If we don’t get her out of here, she’ll die.”

“Let me see.”

Derek moved over me, shaking his head.

“No, it’s not blown, she’s always had a bigger pupil than the other.”

“I’m pregnant!”

Derek leaned back, his hand on my cheek, turning me to look at him.

“Y/N? Y/N did you say something?”

I gasped, my ears pounding as I looked up at Derek, tears falling down both our faces.

“I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant.”

Derek gasped, saying something to Meredith before I passed out again.

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

“Where’s-where’s my sister? Where is Lexie?”

Meredith tried to take her oxygen mask as she shot up, grabbing the doctors arm beside her.

“Alright, hold on. Hold on.”

“No, no, no, no.”

“Where’s my husband and Cristina? Oh god where’s Y/N?”

“Lay back and relax.”

“I have to get-”

“Alright.”

“I have to get my sister and my husband.”

The heart monitor started to beep faster and louder as the doctor tried to get Meredith to lay back down.

“I-my sister, Y/N, she’s pregnant. She’s pregnant.”

“Hey you can’t go in there!”

“Don’t tell me where I can go.”

“Doctor we’ve got them. We’re taking care of them.”

“There’s an infection and I need to see him.”

“Move.”

The doors opened, Meredith stopping as she looked over, seeing Bailey and Webber, Bailey holding Zola in her arms.

“Hey, that’s your mama.”

Meredith sat up, holding her arms out as Bailey walked closer.

“Hey honey.”

Bailey handed Meredith Zola, whispering.

“You sit here.”

Meredith hugged Zola to her chest, Zola whining.

“Okay, okay. Mama’s here baby.”

“There we go.”

“No.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

“Yes I’ll marry you, you dimwit.”

Her smile was contagious as he surged up, wrapping his arms around her, picking her up and spinning her around.

“Yes!”

Her laughter filling the air.

“Charge. Clear”

“What about babies?”

She shrugged, moving closer as she leaned her head back against his chest.

“Dunno. Not right now, but soon. We’d make some really pretty babies though.”

He laughed, wrapping his arms tighter around her.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Have you seen you? Sculpted by the gods I tell you.”

“Yeah, I got a pulse.”

“I love you.”

She lowered the magazine she was reading, eyeing him over the top of it.

“What did you do this time?”

He laughed, grinning as he knelt beside her, pushing her chair out slightly.

“Nothing, promise.”

She laughed, running her fingers through his hair.

“Oh really?”

“Marry me.”

She laughed, pulling her hand back and lifting it in front of her.

“I think I already said yes dummy.”

“Marry me again.”

“I-okay.”

“Yeah?”

She shrugged, leaning down and kissing him.

“Yeah.”

“Dam this dude is trying really hard to die.”

“Have you told him yet?”

“No Alex cause I’m not.”

She turned against the desk, leaning against it as she gave Alex a pointed stare.

“Why do you think I am anyway?”

He shrugged, copying her stance.

“Dude I work with pregnant women everyday. You have the symptoms of a pregnant woman.”

She scoffed as she stepped closer to Alex, her finger hitting his chest repeatedly as she spoke.

“I am not pregnant.”

She walked off, and it was then he decided to step out, Alex jumping when he saw him.

“What was that about?”

Alex shrugged, grabbing his chart, running into the wall when he turned.

“I don't- It’s not my place to tell.”

“Clear.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

They came to a stop outside her room, Owen sighing when he saw her. They had her bed sitting up slightly, her eyes closed, the heart wave moving steadily.

“We had to do emergency surgery on her side. Apparently she had a piece of the plane in her side, and it tore her lung and liver. She had pneumothorax, which we were able to take care of with a chest tube. Her clavicle, as well as four ribs were broken. Unfortunately, her x-rays showed that her tibia was torn and her fibula was crushed. We had to perform surgery on the leg, but we have high hopes for it. Her t11, t12 and l1 are torn, but until she wakes up we won’t know the extent of it.”

“Is that it?”

She shook her head, looking down at the floor before she looked back up.

“She was pregnant, but she had a miscarriage before they were found.”

“Is that why she’s sedated?”

She nodded, placing her hands in her jacket pocket.

“Yes. She had woken up once she was stable and when she had found out, she had, she was angry and she acted out. She broke one of our nurses' arm so we had to sedate her.”

“Is she stable enough to fly?”

“Yes but-”

Owen shook his head, turning towards her.

“No, I am taking them all home, now. Meredith said that they all need to be sedated so do it. Discharge them and sedate them. Do whatever you have to do. It’s time they came home.”

☤☤Three Months Later☤☤

Mark came to a stop beside Derek, standing beside his chair.

“I don’t know- how can I be there for her if I don’t know how to help her?”

Derek sighed as he looked up, looking at Y/N. She was laying in the bed, her eyes closed. It was the most peaceful he’d seen his sister since the plane crash. This was the third time in three weeks she had to be sedated, but this was the first time she’d actually looked, calm.

“She just needs time Mark. She lost her baby, she almost lost you. She died, twice. It’s all just- it’s a lot.”

“I want to help her but I don’t know what to do. She won’t even let me touch her.”

“Have you, have you thought about sending her upstairs?”

Mark turned, looking down at Derek, glaring.

“I am not having her committed! No!”

“It may help her. This isn’t, she’s not well. She needs help, help you and I can’t give.”

“She’s my wife.”

“She’s my sister!”

Mark clenched his jaw as he turned back towards the room Y/N was in, shaking his head.

“I am not having her committed.”

Mark walked off, pushing the door to her room open, grabbing the chair and pulling it behind, setting it beside her bed, sitting down in it, taking her hand in his. Derek leaned back in the chair, watching them. Derek felt helpless only four other times in his life, when their father was shot and he was having to hold Amelia down, when Meredith drowned and then died, when he found out that his little sister was not only dating Mark, but planning on marrying him, and when he couldn’t perform surgery anymore. But right now, for these past few months, he’d felt helpless. He was the big brother, he was supposed to protect his sisters but how was he supposed to protect his little sister from this?

☤☤Four Months Later☤☤

I smiled at Mark as he grabbed the chair at the other desk, pulling it towards me and sitting down, kissing my forehead.

“Seven.”

“How bad is it today? Scale of one to ten?”

I sighed, leaning back in my chair, clicking my pen.

“Are you- are you okay?”

“That’s not too bad.”

“Yeah.”

I smiled softly over at Mark, nodding slightly.

“I’m okay.”

He nodded, leaning forward and kissing me.

“Okay. Page me if you need anything?”

I nodded, turning back towards the computer.

“I will, promise.”

He nodded, standing up and kissing my forehead.

“Okay. Love you.”

I smiled, nodding.

“Love you too.”

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

I was at home, sitting against the wall, my arms wrapped around my knees as I cried. I had the day off, so I decided to clean up the apartment. I had completely forgotten about the box, tucked away in the far corner of the closet, hidden behind blankets and other things. But I had decided to clean out the closet, and I had found the box. The box filled with the baby items I was going to give to Mark to surprise him with. The box was upside down on the bed, the scrub onesie laid out in front of me. It was blue like the attending scrubs, white lettering on the front of it. I thought it was cute, “My dads a surgeon, hero.” The surgeon marked out with hero underneath, a pair of stethoscopes hanging off the “o” in hero. I had gotten a little hat to, the same navy blue color like his scrub cap. I had even gotten a little toy stethoscope. I had completely forgotten about the sonogram, the picture being the bain of my existence.

“Y/N? Sweetheart you here?”

I gasped, reaching up and wiping my tears.

“Y/N?”

I heard Mark walk into the room, looking up when he kneeled in front of me.

“Hey, hey what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

I nodded, sighing.

“Yeah, I just, I-I found the stupid box.”

“The box? What box?”

I nodded towards the bed where the things were laid out, watching as Mark turned towards the bed, squeezing my hand before he got up, walking towards the bed. He picked the sonogram up, gasping.

“Oh Y/N.”

“I had this big thing all planned out and I didn’t want you to find it so I had hid it in the back of the closet and since I had the day off I decided to clean up some and I was cleaning out the closet and I found it. I had, I completely forgot about it.”

I leaned down, placing my head on my arms, sobbing.

“Sweetheart, Y/N it’s okay.”

I gasped as Mark hugged me, pulling me into his chest, rubbing his hands along my spine.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. We were going to have a family and it, we were going to be a family. I-It’s my fault I lost the baby. If I had just-”

“Hey no, no, no, no. It wasn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault. It will never be your fault. Please, please don’t think it’s your fault or even say that it’s your fault because it’s not. Okay? It’s not your fault.”

“But I was supposed to protect him. I was meant to keep him safe.”

“I’m supposed to keep you both safe. I’m your husband, and I promised to protect you no matter what. I failed, so technically it’s my fault.”

I made a face, leaning up and looking up at Mark, shaking my head.

“It-That’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. And you’ve said a lot of stupid shit before.”

He laughed as I reached up, placing my hand on his cheek.

“Mark, you have to believe me, there is no way it was your fault. You-It isn’t your fault.”

“Then why are you saying it’s yours?”

“Because I- I was his mother. I was supposed to keep him safe for nine months, just nine months and I couldn’t even do that.”

“I was his dad. I’m supposed to protect him and you. But Y/N listen to me, what happened, it was out of our hands. There was nothing, no way we could’ve prevented what happened.”

“I could’ve not went. I could’ve stayed in Seattle. The board could’ve looked into the plane. Webber could’ve not planted the seed in Alex’s head to pit Seattle against another hospital making Owen have to cut the funding, making him have to sign for the change in planes.”

“Y/N-”

I shook my head, huffing.

“No, no! This is- all of this could’ve been avoided!”

Mark laughed, causing me to glare up at him.

“This is not funny. Why are you laughing?”

“You Shepherds, you all hold grudges. Derek held a grudge against Owen for weeks after we all got back. Guess now it’s your turn.”

I nodded, moving so I was leaning against Mark’s chest, my head resting in the crook of his neck.

“Seems bout right.”

Mark smiled as he kissed my forehead, squeezing me.

“Besides, we’re already a family, we’re just, expanding. And whenever you’re ready, we can always try again.”

I nodded, smiling as I kissed his jaw.

“Okay.”

“I love you, you know that right?”

I made a face, leaning up and placing my hands on both sides of his face, smiling softly.

“Of course I know Mark.”

I leaned down, kissing him.

“Of course I know you love me. I love you too.”

Mark grinned as he surged forward, pushing me onto my back, hovering over me, causing me to laugh as he kissed me.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.”

I laughed, running my fingers through his hair as I grasped his bicep.

“I love you too you idiot.”

The years we spend as surgical residents will be the best and worst of our lives. We will be pushed to our breaking point. This is the starting line. This is our arena. How well we play, that's up to us.

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

As Always, Reblogs, Comments and Likes are Always Appreciated!

☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤☤

shit that got long, like suppppper long... sorry!

[your-world-with-nct]

— 2020 has been a wild year for all of us and let me start this off by saying well done to us all for simply making it through this crazy ride - if surviving this year was your biggest achievement, that’s completely okay, and i am so proud of you for being here today !! despite the many, let’s say, mishaps, that have occurred this year, both nct and nctzens have been key in my 2020 and i couldn’t be more grateful for them, so i decided to make a little appreciation post of my own before the year ends 🥰

— to my followers ;

my petals !! i can’t believe i started off this year with around 300 followers and i’m now nearing 600 🙈 this account has grown so much this year and it’s all thanks to you. if you’ve ever come across my blog, liked or reblogged a piece of mine, sent me an ask, or pressed that follow button, i want you to know that i am so grateful for you and thank you for enjoying my works 🥺 hopefully 2021 will carry the same positive energy here on your-world-with-nct as it has this year and i’m hoping that you’ll be seeing a lot more fics in the near future 👀 once again, i love you petals <3

— to my dearest mutuals ;

@emistoomultifandom

em bubs !!! i know i could easily do this on any other app or even irl but i just wanted to thank you for making my year 🥺 my lockdown wouldn’t have been the same without us constantly texting and fangirling and our ty track/bfc reunion on my birthday was elite. and obviously this new school year has been an adventure and a half so far, with all the lunch time shenanigans, revision sessions, and exam stress, but i can’t wait for the rest of it 🙈 i am so grateful that i had you by my side during 2020 and i am eternally thankful that i’ll be able to go into the new year with you by my side once again 🧡💚💜

@misfitneo

bella - my first mutual, my tumblr mum - it feels like just yesterday that you wrote a beomgyu blurb for me after seeing my pink theme; now you’ve finished college and i’m applying to colleges 🙈i know we haven’t been able to talk as much recently but that doesn’t mean i appreciate your presence any less - i’m so proud of you for getting into med school and pursuing your dream 🥺🥺 i hope that this year treated you well, and that 2021 treats you even better 💞

@nsheeteeish

loml, almost birthday-twin, fellow leo and xiaojaem stan, fave writer - what do these things have in common? they all apply to v, or, yeet anon, if you remember the days where i ranted to you about my crush and you were a baby stay 😪 not only have you delivered such amazing content on ur writing and gif blogs, but you have provided so much comfort and joy to me whenever we message with dilay 🤧 i look forward to checking your blog every day for new posts and my twt and insta notifs in case you’ve sent me something or you’ve seen what i sent you 🙈 the fact that you think of me when you see certain things just warms my heart and you’re just such a caring person in general, thank you for being a part of my 2020 v, all the best wishes for your 2021 🖤

@cloudyangers

dilay !!! my resident yangqi and the person i think of straight away whenever i see yangyang 😚 i remember when you first requested that e2l chenle blurb back in 2019 and now the only chenle stan between us is v 😁 finding you on this app again after i forgot what ur skz blog’s url was, was just amazing and i don’t know what my tumblr experience would be like without me being able to reconnect with you 🥺 thank you for being able to make me laugh effortlessly with our lack of geography knowledge and our random antics, i will always look forward to seeing the username @cloudy_____ on my dash and screaming over renhyuckyang (+ sungchan 👀) with you for years to come 🤍

@nctsoftarchives

andi bb, my fellow dad!johnny stan 🥺 seeing you post a jaemin birthday blurb for me after your return to tumblr was so sweet and i can’t believe your first post after coming back was dedicated to me 🤧 i remember the day i first messaged you and you were gushing over how you were a big fan of mine and i said the same about you - we were just going back and forth about how much we love each other’s work 😌 you are such a talented writer and you are so full of love - wishing all the best for you in the coming new year babie 🥰

@jensungf

coming across leyna’s blog after reading that jsmr fic was the best decision, because not only have i befriended a brilliant writer, but also a jensung enthusiast who is just the kindest 🥺🥺 i think now would be a good time to tell you that despite jeno’s bias wrecking antics back in august, i actually bias jisung now 😃 i know we haven’t talked in a while, because of our busy schedules, but i hope you’re resting well and i hope that 2021 won’t be as hectic for you 💟

@doyoungcore

joyce, i know we only started talking recently but the serotonin boost both you and your works have given me this year is just incredible and i am so thankful for your warm personality on your blog and for your amazing fics 🤧 i started off as a silent reader who gushed about your writing in the tags but now i’m friends with such a talented writer and we just casually ramble about doie and jaems biases and writing struggles,,, wow 🤯 (btw took some of ur tips on editing headers 🙈) i hope that next year we can expand our friendship and that i can continue to give you the feedback you deserve 🥺💕

— favourite reads of the year ;

i have reblogged all of these to my main @/lovelycharm05 before, but i just wanted these masterpieces on here with everyone since these fics are so memorable and enjoyable to me <3 (beware there is lots of me gushing over how f&%#ing good all these writing techniques and plot devices are - can you tell i’m an eng lit nerd)

@nsheetee - moonlight café

obviously v released so many iconic pieces this year but this series was just *chef’s kiss* coffee shop au’s are the cutest to me because you can do so many different things with them, and you truly showcased that through each members’ part. although i am nahyuck biased (out of all the 00 liners), i have a soft spot for jeno’s part 🥺🤧 but that doesn’t mean i’m not obsessed with jealous jaems and cocky hyuck 🙈

@notnctu - to all the j’s i loved before

the very first work i ever read of yours, joyce 🥺🥺 i remember seeing an nct network reblog this and after reading through the summary of the series, i was enticed by the plot and i read most of your masterlist whilst waiting for the next parts 🤧 the main character’s relationship with each ‘j’ was unique to them and their interactions were just so sweet to read (except jaemin’s >:( why did my ult’s part have to be the angsty one 😤 jk jk i loved it anyways) special mention to ‘cupid’s arrow’, because that fic was an emotional rollercoaster and i loved that almost as much as i love bestfriend!jungwoo in the last part 😌

@misfitneo - lee haechan’s pride

it would be a sin if i didn’t include this in my top reads this year, pun intended 😌, especially since i have a weakness for mafia aus. i haven’t had the time to read mark or renjun’s parts yet, but from what i read in this fic, i’m sure theirs are just as good, if not better. the storybuilding and the development of the plot are so detailed and intricate and that is what i love in a fic. i already reviewed this on my main with a lengthy description of my favourite parts so i’m gonna keep this short and sweet - if you love haechan, mafia au’s, and enemies to lovers, you need to read this !!

@jensungf - passing clouds + only forever

these fics hit different now that i bias jisung 😭 ‘passing clouds’ was pure angst and as much as it hurt, it was written so beautifully and i loved it so much. ‘only forever’ healed the jisung shaped hole in my heart and made me fall in love with him all over again. the first love vibes he gives off is unbelievable and that innocence was presented perfectly in this 🤧 side note: never let jisung bake for you even if it’s as a peace offering 😖

@hyucksie - in the long run + second first kiss

although ‘sweet talk’ and ‘silent treatment’ are also contenders for some of my favourite fics of the year, these two have taken the cake 😌 the concept itself of time travel and mark and y/n seeing their future child was so creative and the mixed emotions that the characters experienced seeing their future were executed so well and the ending when their actual future selves remembered the day they time travelled 🥺🥺 not to mention the sequel doesn’t feel forced at all, the story flows well, and jealous mark is a cutie 🥰

@luvdsc - not clickbait

i’ve been following cat after i first read ‘i turned my best friend into an e-boy!! (and kissed him)’ and ever since then every piece of hers that i’ve read is simply breathtaking and so engaging. her style of writing is so unique and whenever i read anything of hers i feel so immersed in the fic. the dreamies as youtubers and tiktokers was such a cute concept to me and the little comment section at the end of each fic is probably my favourite part 😳 the way each member’s fic connects to the plot of another is perfect and their cameos in one another’s fic >>> (jisung telling y/n about the tiktok challenge in mark’s fic + cameraman jisung in chenle’s) i could keep talking abt this series for a lot longer but i’ll end it here, also i can’t wait for norensung’s parts 💞💞

@pwarkhans - the neo academy

i’ve probably mentioned my love for ‘the umbrella academy’ before but THIS !!! this series just made me love it even more 🙈 despite yangyang’s part being the only one that’s out, that and the prologue are interesting enough and seeing the 00 liners in this alternate universe is honestly amazing jxjwjxkw jaemin as three and hyuck as two is everything. the brothers’ relationship, especially in yangyang’s part, is so complicated yet so cute and i can’t wait for the rest of the members’ parts 💘

@yongtxt - vintage

when i first stumbled across this series, i was immediately intrigued by the plot, and not just because it was about rapper!mark and singer!y/n🧑‍🦯🧑‍🦯 the side characters (dreamies + doie and jisoo) were so funny and well-written and the plot >>>> i was so invested in the twists and turns of the story, the relief i felt when the conflict was finally resolved and we got our fav musician couple !!

@byunbaekby - apartment b23

i only found this series recently but wow am i invested in the plot already 😭😭 the conflict in the story is realistic and feels like something you could actually relate to. norenmin’s friendship/bond is so strong and evident through the story and the side characters are my babies (heejin, shuhua, lia - ily 🤧) i can’t wait for the rest of this series since i am a sucker for the perfect balance of angst, fluff, and crack in this 🥰

— favourite works of the year ;

unfortunately i haven’t had enough time to release any fics this year, and i’m hoping that that won’t be the case next year, but here are my top 5 favourite blurbs that i enjoyed writing and reading <3

1:48pm -> dad!johnny

one of the most popular blurbs on my blog to this day 🥺 honestly i get why, who doesn’t love dad!johnny? hyejoo is literally so adorable here and the family dynamics make me soft all over again whenever i reread this piece. also everyone’s reactions and replies to this are so heartwarming because everyone’s just whipped for the suh family 🙈

1:05pm -> soulmate!taeyong

i love soulmate au’s but something always irked me with the permanence of your soulmate like ,,, what if you end up falling out of love with them? then what? that inspired me to write my own take on soulmates, where they aren’t found, but made. taeyong’s character here is just so full of love and you know how much i love lovable boys 🤧 (ever wondered why i ult na jaemin...?)

12:13pm -> boyfriend!mark

7dream!!!! i don’t usually write domestic fluff even though it’s one of the genres i indulge in the most 😔 but when i do, i go all out because everyone needs to know how soft i am for my boys >:( mark’s love for the dreamies is so unique and i love their friendship so much, i had to write about it when i first heard about the 7dream announcement which i definitely did not cry at

11:40pm -> boyfriend!jeno

this was one of the first requests i ever got and i was just so touched than someone personally requested something from me AND it was jeno 🥺🥺 everytime i read the tags under this, everyone is just gushing over jeno and like,,, same 🙈 this type of fluff >>>

waking up with wayv -> wayv reaction

when em first requested this, i didn’t exactly know how to write something for each member without being too repetitive, but in the end, i loved the mini plots i wrote for them and it’s just one of my underappreciated faves 🥰

— favourite releases of the year ;

just a few of my favourite albums that got me through online school and revision sessions for offline school 🥲 ft. lots of nct + october albums bc that month was PACKED

nct 2020 - resonance pt1 + pt2

nct 127 - neozone: the final round

nct dream - ridin’

wayv - awaken the world

superm - super one

enhypen - border: day one

twice - eyes wide open

txt - minisode1: blue hour

seventeen - semicolon

stray kids - go live + in life

itzy - not shy

conan gray - kid krow

if you’ve managed to read all the way to the end, congrats for putting up with my lengthy and very sappy sentiment and sorry that you had to go through all of that 😭😭 thank you for being a part of my 2020, i hope that the new year allows us all to have a fresh start and brings us the opportunities we didn’t have this year. happiest new year to you all 🥳 (even tho it’s not 2021 yet when i’m posting this :))

[utterlyinevitable]

The Conference (Part 4)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 4.2k Rating: T+  Warning: some cursing and alcohol.  Summary: Becca decided to meet up with him and indulge in the past. 

A/N: i spent the last two days trying to do this chapter justice, i hope’s it’s paid off. also i promise ethan is in this one!

taglist: @ohchoices @rookiefromedenbrook @choicesficwriterscreations @aylamwrites​ @ramseysno1rookie​

________________________________________

Forty minutes and some heavy convincing from Nadia later I met Ryan in the lounge and asked if he wanted to grab a drink at my hotel’s bar. It was 9PM and I already had more alcohol than was probably best - who knows what would have happened if we stayed and indulged some more. Going back to my place gave me enough time to sober up enough and control the outcome should I need to. The sky was dark and starless while here on earth the archetypal lights were at their full glory. Tourists leisurely wandering round and locals bustling and cooling off from the busy day, all minding their own business and enjoying the sleepless city at night. 

We walked the four blocks downtown to my hotel, speaking of times past. I felt like I was walking on air, the ground below me wasn’t real and a mix of dramatic glitter and clouded by memories. I was walking down a hazily lit concrete road of a previous life. This surely was an out of body experience. How long had I hoped to see him again? 

“It’s been what - 8 years?” I asked, knowing full well how long it’s been since we last interacted. “The last time I saw you was at my senior prom,” my nose scrunched up at the memory.

“Yeah we spent the night in this city,” he mused motioning to the buildings around us. 

Keeping my gaze ahead I retorted, “You got absolutely bombed on Four Locos and hooked up with my friend.” 

Was it the senior prom movies made it out to be? Definitely not. There was no happy ending. I brought an underclassman, Kat, as my date because her date dropped her at the last minute. She’d already bought her dress and I had an extra ticket. My best friend brought the guy I had a thing with (aka Ryan) for longer than I'd care to admit as her date. It was dramatic and nobody had sex. Except maybe Ryan and Kat? That I’d never know for sure. 

He shook his head and I could hear the half smirk in his voice at the memory, “And you were drinking vodka straight out of a water bottle.”  

That evening we were just six teens riding hotel elevators completely plastered late into the early morning. I don’t know what I was really expecting but it certainly wasn’t that awkward-fest of events. The sooner I forget it ever happened, the better. 

“What’ve you been up to?” I changed the subject. I spent so much time working on forgetting the person I used to be. High school was almost a decade ago. I’ve grown, changed into someone I actually like, maybe he did too. 

“I got a degree in economics and work at a hedge fund downtown. You?” 

Huh. The Ryan I knew wanted to be a policeman...

“I went to med school and am a second year resident at Edenbrook hospital in Boston. Also the youngest fellow on the diagnostics team,” I recited.  

He turned to look at me, “Wasn’t that your dream job?”

I almost stopped in my tracks. He remembered.  

After all this time he remembered something so minuscule about me? Something that could have been a teenage whim... “It was - is.” 

“Have you seen that- that guy... Doctor…?” Ryan was looking at the dingy gum covered sidewalk as he tried to recall the name. The name that inspired me to pursue medicine. 

“Dr. Ramsey,” I involuntarily smiled. “I’m actually here with him.”  

He raised an eyebrow at me and I can tell he didn’t know what to say. If only he knew half of mine and Ethan’s story. 

“We’re speaking about phange therapy techniques together. It’s a work thing.” 

There was a bit of silence between us as we let my words settle into the crisp, eternally polluted air. 

I broke the silence, “How’s Talia?”  

“She’s okay, I guess. Never made it to med school,” he kicked an imaginary rock as he spoke about his sister. 

“Really?” I was taken aback. Talia Cohen always wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to help people and be financially secure, it was always something we bonded about growing up. We wanted to do what we could to take care of our moms for their rest of their lives. “She wanted to be a neurosurgeon,” I recalled, “I’d never let her anywhere near my brain, but still.”   

“I don’t know what’s up with her; we don’t talk much,” Ryan sighed, the conversation feeling heavy. He tried to laugh it off by saying, “She’s always been a bit mental.” 

The last I heard Talia was a borderline alcoholic - a terrible trait for anyone, let alone a surgeon.  

The memories began rushing back. All the Friday nights spent together at the Cohen house watching movies and playing board games, beach days with the group and helping each other wipe the sand off afterwards, the argument, the ultimate demise of all my high school friendships... Luckily we made it to the hotel bar before it got awkward. 

We found a tall table with those cozy high seats in the vaguely lit bar. 

“What’re you drinking?” Ryan asked as I slid onto the stool, staking our claim.  

“Whiskey. Neat,” I said without a moment's hesitation.  

He rolled his eyes and made his way to the bar as I held our table. 

I took in our surroundings - the checkered marble floor, deep mahogany walls to match the wooden furniture, turquoise velvet curtains pulled to the side, gold accents were everywhere. Where did Edenbrook find this place? 

“Still ever an enigma,” he said with a gleam in his eyes as he set our drinks down on the table. 

“Huh?” 

His signature crooked smirk was back and the boy I used to know shined through. “You are the only girl I have ever met that drinks whiskey. It’s always pinot or chardonnay.” He said it as if it was a fact of life - girls were meant to drink popular wines and nothing else. 

I shrugged and challenged, “Maybe you just hang out with the wrong girls.”  

“There she is.” Was it possible for his smile to get even bigger? 

I shot him a questioning look as I lifted the crystal tumbler to my lips.  

“The old Becca,” he clarified. “The cynic who always challenged me. That deep and confusing brain of yours is still kicking.” 

“I’ve evolved.”  

“I can see that. But it’s good to know you’re still in there somewhere.” His blue eyes were a color I’ve never seen before, translucent even. There was wonderment, familiarity, and a sense of belonging hidden within his irises.   

I rolled my eyes more so at myself for letting him elicit a small hint of blush on my cheeks. “What about you? How much have you changed?” I made a motion to his physical form, “Besides the obvious.” 

“Not much,” he shrugged, taking a long sip of his drink. “I don’t live at home anymore, that’s about it.”

We sat there talking for a while about anything and everything. Time seemed to stand still around us and the time that past us seemed like no time at all. We reminisced about the past and how our disbanded group of friends always seemed to throw us together. How in every spin the bottle or truth or dare we’d be sent to a closet, bedroom or basement together for at least 10 minutes. Oh naive teenage us not knowing that ten minutes was too short a time to get anything going... Nothing ever happened, there was too much at stake. I also didn’t know how to handle feelings back then. My rusty moral compass told me to stay away from my best friend's little brother. Ryan and I spent nearly three years playing a game of cat and mouse; a flirtationship that didn’t amount to much of anything. 

“I do miss the old times and friends from high school now and again,” I told him in liquid confidence. “But I needed to get away. There was too much toxic energy.” 

Earnestly he responded, “I’m sorry about that.”  

“You shouldn’t be, it wasn’t your fault.”  

His eyes began to cloud over showing how I wasn’t the only one affected by the whole childish altercations that governed those final months of friendship. “Yeah, but it was my sisters. She made your life hell those last few months.” 

“The irony isn’t lost on me.” I took a long swig of what’s left of my whiskey tumbler, debating voicing my next words. “Did… Did you even like me?” 

In an instant he spoke as if he had been sitting on these words for years, “I did. Why do you think Talia and Chris were always pushing us together?”

Chris was my other and oldest best friend. He's the first man I ever really loved, unromantically and viciously unconditionally. We stayed friends a few years after the fallout with Talia, our 18 year history carrying us through. Ultimately with one argument he severed our ties because I planned to move across the country for med school and never return to our small town. Losing Chris was the first bout of heartbreak I have ever endured.  

“To be cunts?” I lamented with a heavy sigh. Realization of his words finally set in as I turned my glass in my hands, “Wow… they’d act on your feelings by pushing us together and castrate me for having the same feelings. Typical.” 

Sitting at the edge of his seat and placing both palms insecurely onto the table he spoke, “I spent a good chunk of my teenage years trying to get you to like me.”  

My eyes fixated on the wrinkles of my damp napkin under the glass. “I did like you,” I reassured. “I liked you a lot. I just… didn’t know what to do with my feelings.” 

“And now?” His hand reached out for mine but retreated just as quickly. 

“I have a better grip on reality.” 

“Good,” he smirked. Any previous indication of uncertainty was now long gone. “As long as you don’t let another good one get away.” 

I scoffed at the thought. 

“I spent a long time wondering if you were the one that got away. But I’ve come to accept that things happen for a reason. You were what I needed then and I’ve learned so much to help me become the person I am today.” It took years for me to finally settle on the fact that the universe had other plans for me; that there’s more to life than wanting to love and be loved by Ryan Cohen. “I don’t think we would have lasted, anyway.” 

My heart’s destined for another…  

“No?” he asked incredulously. “I like to think we would have made a pretty cute couple.” Quickly he added, “Do you still have my letterman jacket?”  

“Oh we definitely would have,” I agreed. “And it’s somewhere in my mom's attic probably.” It wasn’t in my mom’s attic. I donated that jacket to Goodwill before I started my new life in California; it took me four years to realize there was no point in holding onto a trinket from a love that never was. “But we wouldn’t have lasted. I used to think about how different life would have been if we kissed any one of those times. There were so many opportunities.” 

“Too bad neither of us knew how to put those feels into action,” he laughed dryly. “We were emotionally inept back then.” 

“100%,” I nodded in agreement with a small chuckle, lifting my glass in recognition. 

The air changed around us - becoming heavy and serious, things that needed to be said weighing down the atmosphere.  

If I want to indulge in the what-ifs now was the time… 

Meeting his eyes I sheepishly asked, “If we kissed would we have started something? Would it even have been a good kiss!?” 

He laughed. “Knowing younger me, if we kissed and it was remotely decent I would have wanted you to be my girlfriend. Heck, I wanted you to be my girlfriend even without the kisses.” 

“Oh simpler times,” I chuckled letting the room temperature liquid calm the small flutter I felt in my chest.  

We paused for a moment both thinking about what could have been. 

What could have been? 

“In an alternate universe I think we could have been something,” I began describing my thoughts out loud. “But in this universe we were both too big for the small town that would have kept us hostage if we were together.” 

“You think?” 

Pausing for a second to finish the last of my whiskey, I began to rationalize, “I don’t think I would have gone so far away for undergrad if we were together. I’d want to stay close and be with you. And I feel once you started applying to colleges we’d break up and I’d resent you.” I looked away from his curious demeanor. “There was no way we would have been happy with each other back then. And that’s okay now. We were a blip in time to help each other grow and that was beautiful.” I took a pause for breath. “You made me feel things; I didn’t know what they were then and now I do. You made me happy, Ry. Regardless of your sister’s meddling.” 

We sat for a small moment in silence, letting my words set in and finding the last sips of our drinks the most interesting of companions. 

Ryan leaned forward, putting his glass down and speaking softly to me across the table. His bubbly blue eyes locked with caramel brown orbs as he gently spoke, “I didn't realize how much I missed this.”  

His words enveloped me, hugging me in a reassurance I didn’t know I needed. 

“Our banter?” I asked, needing confirmation he felt more than the all encompassing feeling too.  

“Yeah. Even if we’re just rehashing the past, you’ve always had a mind I admired,” the sincerity of his tone made my stomach flutter and adrenaline course through my veins.   

“Thank you.” What else am I supposed to say?  

He pointed to my empty tumbler, “Another?”  

“Please.” 

I sat there alone and took out my phone. Briefly turning the camera on to take in my appearance - my brown hair a bit frizzy and more strands than normal were framing my face, my red lipstick had vanished and left a shadow of pink in its wake, my face was flush and my eyes were wide and filled with courage. As best and quickly as I could I put my face back together so as to not look like too much of a mess. Ryan’s seen you at your worst. He watched you go through puberty and still liked you. 

Letting my inner monologue win I stopped primping and scrolled through my messages and emails, grounding me back into reality. I wonder if Ethan finished the presentation outline… 

As if my drunk thoughts had the power to summon him, his voice pulled me out of my mind, “How was dinner?”

Turning to the ghostly voice on my right I saw Ethan standing there with a small, friendly smile tugging at the side of his lips. 

How long has he been standing there?  

“Ethan, hey,” I greeted, shoving my phone back in my bag. “It was good. Lovely to see the girls again, it’s crazy to think how much people can change in four years. Have you finished the outline?” 

He crossed the distance between us, placing his balled up fist on the table. “Yes,” he said with a single satisfied knock to the wood. “We can go over it later if you’d like.”  

“Definitely. I don’t want to look like a fool on my first panel. I'm nervous enough as is,” I smiled back at him. 

I don’t know if it’s the copious amounts of alcohol in my blood or the high I’m on from reconnecting with old friends, but there’s something different about Ethan. Something foreign and… lighter? I searched his form looking for any indication of the change in presentation.  

Sooner than expected Ryan placed the tumbler down with a clink next to me bringing me out of my trance. He asked, “Who’s your friend?” 

Looking between the two men I responded, “Ryan, this is Dr. Ramsey. Ethan, Ryan’s a good friend from high school.” Looking at Ethan I explained, “We ran into each other in the restaurant and decided to grab a nightcap.” 

Like the gentleman he is Ethan held out his hand. “Pleasure.” After their handshake he had a mischievous gleam in his eye when he asked Ryan, “Was she always so stubborn?” 

Seriously!? 

“More so if you’d believe it,” Ryan laughed. “She’s lightened up a bit, definitely much happier now.”  

Ethan shook his head, returning the chuckle at my expense, “No, I wouldn’t believe it.”  

I looked between the two men that held special places in my heart. The sandy blonde, effervescent blue eyed ghost of lovers past on my left, and the brown haired, stormy eyed man standing a few inches above on my right. Both men had the power to make me blush and laugh like no tomorrow. Both men made my heart ache for a million different reasons. My eyes lingered a bit longer on Ethan. He changed from his travel chinos to jeans and a new baby blue button down. The color he looks the most irresistible in. 

“You’re a thousand times worse than I am, Ramsey,” I playfully chided.  

He rolled his eyes and Ryan watched our exchange. Could he tell there was some notable tension between us two colleagues? I could still feel the tension between us - I wish we could have the do-over Ryan and I are finally having. But we’re too complicated for that. Although these two men meeting is something I never could have predicted in even my wildest of nightmares, we all are friendly nonetheless.

“Do you want to join us, Doctor?” Ryan asked.  

Ethan’s eyes moved between the two of us, obviously considering the options and facts laid out before him. “No, I don’t want to intrude. You two must have a lot to catch up on.”

Thank fuck.  

Extending the offer just like earlier in the tavern Ryan added, “If you change your mind we’ll be here.” 

We spoke and laughed, continued to talk about anything and everything. Conversation is still flowing so freely and without any noticeable effort. I forgot just how easy simply being with Ryan was without all the complications. It was bliss.  

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Ethan went to the farthest edge of the bar, a scotch already in hand. He was looking down at the glass and folding a cocktail napkin a few times over. I thought about the similarities between Ryan and Ethan, the stinging feeling of history repeating itself taking homage in my muscles. This time I’m adamant not to have any regrets. I took the opportunities to show Ethan how much I care for him and wanted more, alas it was him who couldn’t understand his feelings. I’m exiting this chapter with my head held high. Then why did I still feel so low? 

It took so many years to get over the one that never was, how long do I have to suffer with the pain of the one that got away?

***

Ryan took the trek up with me to our 26th floor apartment door. A silent understanding between us of knowing it meant nothing other than not wanting the night to ever end. We both knew he would not be staying the night. Our time had passed. No point in knotting the timeline further. But that didn't stop us from wanting closure. To finally put all the what-ifs and could-have-beens to bed once and for all. 

I stood with my keycard in my hand, back mere centimetres from the door and looking up at Ryan not sure what else to say or how to properly say a long awaited proper goodbye. Unsure of who leaned first we kissed. 

Finally. 

A long awaited decade-in-the-making kiss. A tender and peaceful kiss. Two experienced tongues coming together to find solace in the unknown. There were no fireworks, no passion. Just a comfort of knowing we made the right decision; we didn’t need to regret anymore. The lust wasn’t there no matter how attracted we still were to one another. Our bodies have moved on. Ryan traced my curves like he’d done so many years ago when he’d hold me close on the couch. My hands ran down his chest noting just how much it’s changed - toned muscle replaced the post pubescent chub. I didn’t need him and I didn’t want him. But tonight for some reason or another I’m glad he’s here. 

Once we parted Ryan breathlessly asked, “More than satisfactory?”  

I gave him a true, unencumbered smile, “I’ll give it an 8 out of 10.” 

He kissed me again. A light and feathered goodbye.  

We stared at each other for more moments than necessary, taking in each other's everlasting silhouette. 

“Bye, Ryan,” I said softly, as if it were the ending of a prayer.   

As he began retreating backwards to the elevators he asked, “Let’s not wait another decade to meet up, alright?”  

“No promises,” I called back.  

Once in the comfort of the empty apartment, I dropped my purse by the door still dizzy from the kiss. I rested my back against the nearest dining chair to keep me steady and touched my tingly and swollen lips. How long had I been waiting for that kiss? Much longer than I’d like to admit, that’s for sure. It finally happened and I… 

I felt nothing. 

As if on cue to my overwhelming realization, Ethan walked in not a moment later.  

“Hey,” I breathed out, biting my lip.  

He nodded in acknowledgement of my greeting as he swiftly walked past me, “Rookie.” 

“Do you want -”  

And just like that he was in his room with the door slammed shut. 

What’s gotten into him? 

I knew I should leave him alone, he doesn’t owe me any explanation or attention, and maybe it was the alcohol talking but I just couldn’t let it go. 

The night was still young and we have work to do, I rationalized.  

I knocked on his door, “Ethan?” 

No answer. 

“Ethan? Are you okay?” 

Nothing. 

Annoyed I deadpanned, “If you don’t open the door in 5 seconds I’m coming in.”

And just like that he opened the door a crack, exposing me to the sight of Ethan Ramsey’s bare chest and sweatpants hanging low on his hips. 

Ethan doesn’t sleep in sweatpants, I recalled. 

“Can I help you?” he asked venomously.  

I closed my slack jaw back up and deadly replied, “Are you okay? Did something happen?”  

“It’s late. You should go to bed.”

He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking around me. I could see his eyes dart to the top of my head, the generic painting hanging on the wall to my right or the table in the distance. They were erratic and full of… torment? 

“It’s midnight,” I retorted. “And don’t we have to rehearse?” I’m not sure how much of the presentation I’d remember but I know I didn’t want to lose this high - I didn’t want to go to bed with Ethan angry, nor did I want to fall asleep without spending an ounce of normalcy with him today.  

“We’ll rehearse in the morning.” He used that authoritative hospital voice that took me aback.  

“Oh, okay…”  

“Is that all?” he huffed.  

I looked at my feet feeling unbelievably stupid. “Um… yeah.”  

He began to close the door, “Goodnight, Dr. Lao.” 

“Night,” I mumbled back. 

I shuffled to my room next door not fully understanding his outburst and what I could have done to upset him so badly in the short space of time. Things seemed almost normal in the bar, right? 

Sitting on my bed bundled up in the thick navy duvet I thought about the last few months. Rafael, Bryce, random bar-goer, Ethan, Ryan… God I’m a ho. In under a year I’ve been entangled with the heart strings of five men. So much for being at the helm of my emotions... 

Wait. 

No. 

I’m not a ho. I’m not in a relationship. I’m not sleeping with just anybody. I’m not bad. And if I was it’s ok. We’re all consenting adults, I can make my own choices. 

The one choice I wanted more than anything was to not push Ethan away the way he has done to me. I wish I was strong enough to make the choice to push past his door and cuddle up to the warmth I’ve been starved from. If seeing my long lost Ryan Cohen taught me anything tonight, it’s that I cannot have any regrets. Alas I nailed the final spike one in me and Ethan’s coffin not too long ago. Because I gave up no so long ago there was nothing else to save between us. Right?

I went to sleep thinking back to that night I turned the table around and, for the first and final time, pushed Ethan Ramsey away. 

______________ A/N: let me know what you think and if you want to be tagged/removed 😊

[bigskydreaming]

So this is definitely one of my least favorite things to do, because there’s so many people on here that need help, but if anyone has a couple bucks or a five they can spare, that would be an enormous help to me today. 

For those that know my situation, as far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have the lets-pull-all-twenty-eight - of-your-remaining-teeth-at-once-it’ll-be-fun! surgery on Tuesday. I’m reeeeally looking forward to it, and also the Month of Living Without Any Teeth At All while I heal and they figure out the fittings and everything for my bionic teeth or whatever. Everything about it sounds swell. Can’t wait, it’ll be great.

SO. The plan is for me to take the bus out to the desert on Monday afternoon, reenact some of the best scenes from Saw on Tuesday morning while under hopefully heavy sedation, with fingers and toes crossed that these doctors actually listen to me for once about my ridiculous metabolism making most anesthetics wear off super fast. Because. Ugh. Doctors literally never believe me about that which has led to some pretty not cool experiences in the past, but none of those experiences have been yanking out every one of my teeth by the root all in one go, soooooooo, if ever there was a time for them to think maybe I actually know what I’m talking about and make adjustments for that, I’m pretty sure I want this to be that time. 

Thanks to my keen intuition, I have predicted that this whole process is something I probably want to be deeply unconscious for, and during, and tbh, maybe a week or so after that too. But like, I’ll mostly settle for just not waking up when they’re only actually on tooth eight, you know?

If I seem like I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous, its probably cuz I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous. I’m so not kidding about unpleasant experiences with anesthetics in the past, so while this wasn’t actually my reason for making this post, while I’m thinking about it, if anyone wants to also maybe shoot a quick prayer-tweet over to whomever you might personally @ with that kind of thing, I would be super grateful for anything of that nature, like something along the lines of “Dear Merciful Higher Power/Universe/etc, if there’s any way you could see to it that Kalen spends most of Tuesday knocked the fuck out, that would be awesome, thanks!”

Its just, I’m kinda over being in excruciating pain all day every day, like, I gave it a shot, just don’t think its for me, I’m afraid I just don’t have what it takes to be a hardcore raging masochist or whatever, so I’m just really not looking to set any new personal pain records next week if at all possible.

ANYWAY, requests for spamming higher powers on my behalf aside, the other reason for this post is I only have $3 in my bank account and an appointment this afternoon whose co-pay is going to be $50. But I can NOT miss this appointment, its super critical. See, so, the other thing is, my jaw has decided its reached the point where it just doesn’t want to close at all anymore, so I’ve gone from only eating once a day to only eating no times a day, and since I’ve already lost an absurd amount of weight and muscle mass over the last two years because of all this shit, they’ve put me on a regimen of regular IV intakes or whatever that’s called, just to like....get the nutrients I need into me somehow, y’know?  

And especially with the surgery coming up on Tuesday, and my immune system all shot to hell and my various other Vitally Important By-Products of Eating Food levels are low enough to have my doctor using mostly just four letter words when reviewing my latest labs, they’re literally trying to pump me full of as much of the various Nutrients And Other Stuff IVs as they safely can between now and then. And as much as I’ve been pretty much going 24/7 trying to stay afloat with all of this, I just...did NOT budget for needing to be hooked up to an IV every other day because my fucking jaw picked now to level up on being an asshole and like, physically will not cooperate with my attempts to survive on cheap $5 a day meals. 

So instead this week its been $50 co-pays every other day, because apparently when your body for whatever reason literally can’t take in the cheap 7-11 snacks and Happy Meals you usually live off of because That’s How Being Poor Works, it makes total sense that the one and only alternative for keeping your body fueled is to go to this little clinic place that hooks you up like you’re at a gas station, except you’re some kinda pretentious European model that won’t accept any less than the top dollar diesel, because I guess even Bags of Nutrient Water gotta somehow manage to be name brand shit, because yay capitalism. Everything about it is just so efficient and logical and works so well, especially if you’re part of the 99%.

Anyway I’m TRULY sorry I’m all over the place with this, I haven’t taken my ADHD meds because swallowing is the Devil’s Work right now, and also I haven’t had my daily Bag of Nutrient Water yet so my brain is like no I will not be cooperating. To sum up, once I get to next week I’m all set, everything’s in place for the surgery, insurance, I have a place to recuperate, I even already have my bus ticket for Monday purchased, my specific monetary issue right now is I am literally down to my last $3, I am currently physically unable to chew my way through a full meal, so I’m literally just paying co-pays of $50 every other day to spend 45 minutes sitting in a chair while my body sucks life-sustaining nutrient water through a needle. 

That might actually be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said or heard said and yet its factually 100% true. Our world is so fucking bonkers, jfc.

Literally ANY help getting me to today’s appointment, would be amazing, and then I have one scheduled for Monday morning before I leave, if I can find a way to make that too. And tbh I don’t actually know if one is even an option for tomorrow yet because the clinic I’ve been going to so far isn’t open tomorrow and I’ve yet to hear back if my doctor found somewhere else to send me that I can actually get to. So who the fuck even knows.

So yeah, sorry for making you ping-pong your way through that mess, this is my brain on Empty, like I said, I haven’t had my Bag of Water yet today. But any help is appreciated, whether reblogs, donations or good-thought-tweets for me on Tuesday. I’m a big fan of any of the above. Even $2 or $5 gets me closer to what I need, and if you can’t spare anything or have already sent or are sending what you can spare to another donation post, I totally and completely understand. And again, even just....good thoughts for Tuesday would be awesome, and certainly can’t hurt. I’m not like, worried about the surgery or whatever, its pretty simple, its more just....extensive. And my only real hope or want for it is just keeping the Ow factor as limited as it can possibly be. Whether that’s from the doctors coming through with a good strong hit of the goofy juice or some higher power telling all my nerve endings to take a sick day or just sit this one out, I am so open to either or anything in between or even coming out of left field.

And now I’m done. Thank you. You’re all rockstars, or insert your genre of choice. In conclusion, capitalism sucks, eat the rich, and buy a  bi a bag of water today please. I’m pretty sure there’s a T-shirt slogan in there somewhere, but fuck if I can pin it down.If anyone else does, hey, go nuts with it. I’m literally a bi guy who needs to buy bags of nutrient water every other day right now. That’s so fucking dumb, someone’s gotta be able to milk some mileage out of it.

My Paypal:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Or if that link doesn’t work, try this one instead:

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme2/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

My Ko-fi page: https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi  /  ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

[xellandria]

tw: death

My father died sometime last night.  My mom woke me up at around 4:20 (blaze it?), after she found him, ran around in a panic for a bit (her words), and called 911.  I’d only gone to sleep a couple hours earlier, and neither of us had checked on him until then (he went to bed much earlier than the two of us ever do) so it’s hard to say when it would have happened; we might learn more later, or we might not.  I’m not actually sure how much more information we’ll get—or want, really—when whatever examination happens happens, or if there will be an examination/autopsy/whatever.  All I know about that kind of thing comes from media, and it’s always convenient for media to have an autopsy.

About nine months ago, he was out on a hike and slid down some scree and hurt his back in some way.  Prior to the whole pandemic, he’d been going through all sorts of various treatments and tests to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it, but he’d been in pain for a while.  Supposedly it was at least getting a little better with time—mom says he hadn’t taken his pain meds for the last fifteen days or so—but it was definitely there, and he hadn’t been exercising much (if at all) as a result, and gained a lot of weight from the inactivity.

About a week ago, he started coughing and having trouble breathing, and apparently was having issues sleeping as well.  He called his doctor about it yesterday, and they had him go get tested for Covid.  The results for that won’t be back til Mondayish, but it’s sort of a moot point now, I suppose.  Well, partly moot—if he tested positive, mom and I definitely have to be a lot more nitpicky about our own health.  We’ve not been going out except as absolutely necessary, but I can’t help thinking that we did go to Walmart and Costco on the 16th and while he was wearing a mask of some sort on that trip, his mask procedure was not the best and that was about a week ago.  That’d be a little fast for Covid symptoms I think, but maybe?

I don’t know.  I wasn’t hearing much about it (we’ve been on different tracks for the past week so I haven’t seen much of him) but when we were talking to various relatives about an hour ago, mom seemed to imply that it was a lot of trouble breathing—which makes me ask why he didn’t do something about it if it was really that bad, but that’s not something I can or should ask at this point; I can’t ask him and giving her more to agonize about or regret is absolutely pointless (I still beat myself up on bad days for not being sterner about getting Emmett to a vet when I knew he wasn’t fully right, and he died like five or six years ago at this point; I absolutely do not want to inflict that kind of thing on my mother about her husband, for god’s sake, and I didn’t push harder for my own health and safety when I was having heart issues last year until I finally caved and went to the ER; I could have made that trip a lot sooner too instead of fucking around with my doctor half-ignoring me and limply running tests for six months).

Because it’s just me and mom out here on this coast, we’re probably not going to have a funeral.  Things would probably be different if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic (his sisters might want something, I don’t think we thought to ask), but they can’t come out here and we can’t go over there and neither of us really want to deal with it.  She knew his preferences (at least for disposal—he wanted to be cremated) so we’ve got that under control, at least.

I’m sure it’s partly shock, but I definitely feel guilty as hell that I’m glad that the pandemic is giving us a good excuse to not have a funeral.  Maybe he would have wanted one?  I don’t know.  I know my own preferences (only if my survivors need it for themselves; I don’t believe in ghosts or anything like that, but the idea of death and corpses and such spooks me something awful and funerals and burials and such are obviously the worst for that) and mom was the one who said no when I asked her if she wanted one (though maybe I should ask again when we’re both less shocky).  If the dead do exist beyond death in some capacity, I hope he understands that it’s not that we don’t love him... but that’s a lot of money and time and mental energy for a lot of pomp and circumstance that doesn’t make... well, I was going to say “doesn’t make anybody feel better” but someone must get comfort from that kind of thing, even if I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone who has.

There’s a lot of unknowns right now.  Dad was the one who handled all the household finances and I know he never went over it all with me, and I got the impression that he and mom never got around to it either (though we both mentioned that it was something we’d been thinking about, it’s obviously too late now).  Mom’s worried about the taxes, and what bills are on auto-pay and all that, and it’s going to be a nightmare to go through his computer and phone and make sure all that stuff is handled... but that’s not today’s worry.  I mean, I almost wish it was—it’d give me something to do now that we’re done talking to the EMTs and the police and the people from the funeral home and calling the relatives (and before I work up the nerve to call his old work friend, who is the only other person I can think of that deserves to know), but it’s also not something to walk into with two hours of sleep and a broad-but-vague understanding of how to access the data, but not what to do with it.

I haven’t cried yet, and I feel guilty about that too (though again, I’m putting it down to shock).  Cat death/injury is so triggering to me that I burst into tears nearly at the mention/thought of it, but my own father is gone and I’m just sitting at my computer, typing out a lengthy essay about how I want to consider myself a piece of shit for it, but I know it’s all part of the process, etc. etc.  I remember when my parents woke me up to tell me my maternal grandmother had died, I definitely cried then (and was angry) so I know it’s possible for me to feel things, or was at one point.  I’m sure the depression isn’t helping (and the fact that I think my med dosage may not be good enough anymore).

I’m sort of glad for the pandemic too, for the social distancing and masks that all the strangers that came to our home at 4-6am were wearing because I haven’t taken a shower in a couple days and I am disgusting and unshaved, but hopefully they didn’t notice.  At least they didn’t comment on it in my hearing, so I can maybe hopefully pretend.

Anyway.  I’m currently distracting myself by writing this out, but there’s not much more I want to say at this point.  I’ve posted out of my guild’s raids indefinitely for the moment (it was the first thing I did after I got out of bed while we were waiting for the EMT, and the second was tweet about it; my priorities are so fucked, y’all).  I don’t really know whether I’ll be able to stay on top of D&D—it’s only once a week, it’s a much smaller group of people who are much less likely to make some sort of unthinking or triggering remark (frankly, the idea of listening to my guild leader and some of the non-raiders talk about their jobs as doctors/upcoming medical practitioners is absolutely not what I need in my life right now, and I can’t tell 19+ other people to watch every word that comes out of their mouths or from their fingers above and beyond the guild rules because it might make the baby cry (or tilt her off the face of the earth)... but I can probably get away with asking only four other people to do that) and it’s not like we’re doing much where there might be schedule conflicts.  I’m gonna have to tell them for sure (well, Naha knows cos he follows me on twitter, and Kattii might cos she also follows me but I’m not sure if she keeps up with her timeline, but I don’t think the others do).  I should definitely not isolate myself entirely—I don’t know a lot right now, but I know that’s a real bad idea no matter how depressed I was before this happened—so I may keep the D&D up.

I’m not sure if I should go to the Sunday Jaina runs or not, since I won’t really be part of the prog team and shouldn’t take mounts out of the mouths of people who will actually be around.  I already felt kinda guilty about going to last week’s when I’d posted out of raid for mental health reasons (and had missed the week before’s entirely for same).  I dunno.  I’ve got a day and change to think about that one, and what I want to do with myself.

Oh, and M+ is a thing too isn’t it, fuck me.  I dunno.  If I do Jaina and I do D&D, I should probably at least do the M+ too; it’s only one or two runs a week even if it has been stressful because we’ve been scrambling for a filler every week for a few months now (Intol’s been wrapped up in the whole pandemic thing on his side of life, and none of us have had the time or energy to find a consistent/reliable filler until he’s ready to come back).  At least I have a good excuse to not be the one scrambling for that weekly filler anymore, eh? lol :T  That’s also a small group size so that should be all right.  Jaina will be touchy for the larger group size reason too actually, now that I think about it (although I can probably get away with not being on discord for most of the run).

I dunno.  I’m rambling now, and now I’m also rambling at Naha in DMs so maybe I should stop rambling in at least one location.

[purplesurveys]

662

What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? It’s one of the default Mac wallpapers, but I picked the shot with a pinkish hue, because pink. The default ones are already pretty enough, so I don’t feel the need to scour the web for the perfect wallpaper image. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? I’m currently wearing a romper. It’s just plain sky blue. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? As an Asian, I can tell you baby showers are hugely a first-world thing. I think the more hip, Western-influenced, and upper-middle millennials and Gen Z Asian crowd can have the means to do them, but it’s like 90% not a thing here. In a region where there’s poverty in front of you, only the rich can pull them off; and for most of us, the biggest concern is that the baby remains healthy. Who is the person you text the most in your life? What relation are you? Gabie, probs. Girlfriend. Angela, my best friend, comes a close second. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? Chinese > Mexican > Italian > American > French. I think I only like French cuisine for their pastries and escargot, but that’s about it.

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? Yeah. I still get confused about it from time to time, so eventually I just slapped the term demisexual on me and by far it’s been the most fitting for me. Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? No? If anything I get worried a lot more because she comes home a lot late, and it always turns out to be because she spends the entire evening gift-shopping for family, friends, and co-workers hahahaha. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? I don’t really have a favorite fast food place anymore... if it counts, maybe Yellow Cab? They have a yellow and black color scheme, like the literal yellow cabs of New York. Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? I don’t mind them; I don’t think of them in terms of being ~sexy lmao. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Nah I’m usually the short one who needs people to reach stuff for me. Do your siblings bring people around that your parents don’t approve of? Mmm nope, not really. My mom loves my sister’s boyfriend, and as far as I know my brother doesn’t bring anybody home. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Hardwood. I don’t know if there’s any Filipino home that has carpet floors. Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? As much as I hate this habit of mine, I tend to want to know the smell of everything. I only check the texture if I think it’s going to be satisfying, like if it’s anything like slime or sand. Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a trophy? How did you do this? Nope. I don’t think I’ve already even held a trophy before. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? I only follow one superstition that has something to do with my school, but that’s it. I don’t obsess over it and I know it’s fake, but ‘following’ what the superstition says hasn’t gotten me in trouble in my last four years in university, so I just continue following it HAHA. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I do hate it but fortunately a lot of people are now more sensitive when it comes to mental health and mental health issues. I don’t hear this word thrown as much as it was in like 2011 anymore. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Nah, no reason to. I’ve only had X-rays of my spine taken. Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? Never did. I was never into the whole apocalypse/disaster/wartime genres. What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? I don’t have headphones. And I also don’t have earphones anymore :( I want a new pair soooo baaaaadddd. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? I’ve never choked on solids, but I’ve choked on water several times, when the droplets get stuck in your throat and your lungs get all confused and you’re left gasping for air but you just choke some more because the water in your throat blocks any air from coming in, so you end up coughing to near death. The last time this happened was during a lunch break in my INTERNSHIP, and it was so embarrassing because I couldn’t tell them what was happening, I was just coughing frantically and slowly turning red lol.

Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? Yeah, the girl in front of me in the class list was I think Kaira, and the one after me was Kaye. I was friends with Kaira throughout high school and we still are today, but back in kinder she used to be my bully. But during recess, I usually sat beside a girl named Raegan, who was one of my good friends for a while. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? I don’t think so. Has anyone, including yourself, forgot it was your own birthday? On my 18th birthday my high school friend group completely forgot. It makes me feel like shit every time it’s brought up, so we’re not bringing it up tonight. Chocolate or strawberry birthday cake? Choose one. Chocolate! Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? I loooooove me some vegetables – I’d try all of them in a heartbeat. My favorite is broccoli. And I hate most fruits, but I’ll give an exception to avocado. Do you abbreviate things way too often? Do you get called out on it? Not really, I just use the usual shortcuts – lol, lmao, rn, tbh, idk. My mom would get confused sometimes and ask me for the meaning of some abbreviations I use, but she doesn’t ‘call me out’ on it. Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? Hahahaha no, because I never wanted to join and it’s one of those things I’d never allow myself to be in no matter how much my mom forced me. What is the funniest conjunction you use throughout your day? ...Are conjunctions supposed to be funny? Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? Nope. Does the dentist calm you or does it tend to stress you out? I like the dentist. I’ve never had big issues with my teeth (save for my worst ever toothache last year), so the idea of having my teeth cleaned and treated is actually pretty calming to me. The one time it ever stressed me out was when my dentist had to extract a dead tooth and he had to put three injections on the roof of my mouth. It was the first time I’ve ever caught myself literally shaking in fear, huhuhuhu. If you had to choose, which is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? Jack and Jill, for movies that are objectively bad. But in general, Knives Out was a big fucking waste of my time and money. Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? When I say sorry for bumping into them D: Do you like movies that are originally based on children’s books? Not all of them. Some were hits for me like Charlotte’s Web and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and some I didn’t really care for, like Coraline. Is your hair more thick or thin? Is it more curly or straight? THICK. So thick I could never pull off a bob, even though I’ve had the desire to adopt it as my look for a while now. It’s straight but it’ll sometimes be wavy. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: Raised moles. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Uhhhh I’m okay with meeting new people but it still depends on their crowd or the air that they carry around them. If I have a meh feeling about them or if their body language initially rubs me off the wrong way, I’d be hesitant. With my situation now, I usually say hi, tell them my name, we exchange our courses, then we talk about school stuff to break the ice. Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? Not really. Ariel has since showed me that it wouldn’t mean much, so I never actively wanted to be a mermaid. If you had to choose, which celebrity would you date out of all of them? Kristen Stewart or Hayley Williams. Do people feel sorry for you for no reason? Have they ever? I don’t think so. Idk, idk how people feel about me. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? I never liked surveys that go too deep, like those that ask me what I think of socialism or abortion, hhhhhhhh. I answer surveys so I can talk about my dog, say what I learned in school, or discuss who I had lunch with, and not to get all political. Simple yes/no questions can also be annoying so most times I elaborate. Who would you take with you on a stranded/deserted island? Maybe Gab? She’s super smart and resourceful and makes everything work haha. Do you have your own personal boom box in your bedroom? No. I was too young to want to have one. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? Probably not. I can’t even cross the street without holding on for dear life to my friends’ arms lmaoooooo. What would you say is the worst part of high school period? Adjusting. I took a while to, and when I hadn’t yet, it was the worst. I was left out of everything, had no opportunity to figure out who I was or what I needed at the time, and nothing and no one approached me unless I did so myself. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I don’t like apples. Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? I never wanted to be a doctor as a kid, but now I do see the point in going to med school. I’ve always liked and been good at memorizing names and terms, and biology is my favorite subject along with history, so a part of me thinks what could have happened if I pursued some specialization of med. As for hospital shows, I’ve never seen one. What do you think of all these reality shows that try to alter personality? I’m not sure what they mean? Don’t they all do that? Reality TV personalities always seem like much exaggerated versions of themselves. Where are your favorite pair of shoes in the whole world right now? I wear it too much but my Onitsuka Tiger sneakers are a k e e p e r. So comfy and such a classy-looking pair. Do you live anywhere near a mall? If you live in the Philippines, there is an 80–90% chance you live near a mall. In my case, I just live quite far from the main entrance of our gated village so it’s a bit of a drive; but the village itself is like two minutes away from one mall, four minutes away from two others, and five minutes away from still another one. Malling is pretty much the national pastime, so we’re loaded with them. Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? They’re pretty harmless, I don’t see why they should be deemed as overrated lol. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? Gabie. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? I’ve never formally baby-sat someone, actually; at best I was put in charge of my younger siblings and cousins and looked out for them and took up the position of the responsible older sister whenever our parents weren’t watching. But to me it was already kinda like babysitting based on what I’ve seen in American TV hahahaha, and I always liked that sort of task. Do you ever have those ‘ah ha!’ moments? Do those annoy you? If the a-ha moment meant I was stupid in the past, then yes it would annoy me. Like for example if I’m driving somewhere and already far from home, then had an a-ha moment that I forgot something important back at the house, then I’d be pretty pissed with myself. But if the a-ha moment was something like a realization, I’d be relieved to have it. Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? YES I HATE that about myself. I’ve lost earphones, my Hydro Flask, my yellow pad paper, readings, jackets, hair ties, socks, and school IDs because of it. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? I don’t eat lunch meat. When is the next time you’ll eat a cupcake, if you know when? I have no clue :( Cupcakes are one of my favorite desserts though, but they’re just so hard to find or get. Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? The last time I bought socks was like 2015, back when they were a trend here for some reason. It has a bacon and eggs design, and I actually just wore them the other day haha. Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? I’d look up at the sky, but not on grass. I find it itchy. When do you normally go to sleep on the weekends? Depends on what and how much I did during the day and how tired I am. Like just earlier (Friday evening) I was passed out by 9:30 because I stayed up til 2 AM working on a Powerpoint and had to wake up at 6 in the morning to continue working. But other nights I could stay up till midnight. Have you ever met someone with the same ‘biggest fear’ as you? I haven’t met anyone afraid of knives and injections and any sharp stuff like me, no. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other? We don’t do movie nights ever, which I recently and finally realized when we did sit down and watch Titanic together a couple of weeks ago lmaaaaaaaaao. It was honestly really fun doing it and I remember remarking that we in fact never did movie nights in the last four years. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pen. It’s just more convenient for me. Pencils get blunt as you use them, and I’m too impatient for that. Do you like candy bars? Are you trying to slack off of them? I honestly have nothing against them, but given that I have several many relatives who work overseas and have brought home candy bars as pasalubong (gifts) in the last 22 years of my existence... you can imagine how tired I can get of them. What is your favorite number? Is it significant with your life? 4. Not really. It just reminds me of Beyoncé and happier days haha. Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? Yup. That’s why I never walk outside at night except when I’m at a mall or in school. I just drive everywhere. Has your mother ever called your school because of your grades? No. Whenever I struggled in school it was always just due to either 1 or 2 subjects, so there was no reason to ring up our adviser as it was never that worrisome in my case. I was never failing all my classes at the same time, basically. In the next twenty minutes, what will you be doing and where will you be? Maybe another survey or watching BoJack Horseman? Idk. It’s 3:44 AM and I’m pretty awake so I dunno if I’d still want to sleep. Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? Showerrrr. It’s quicker, plus it’s what I do more often. Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? This was me as a teenager because I thought it would be cool to be edgy and have a different opinion than everyone else BLECK please delete that person lmfao. But now, hmmm the way I’d explain it is that in the case of e.g. being pro-choice, LGBT, critical of the Catholic Church, basically the more liberal ideas, I seem to be in the majority opinion about relevant issues on the Internet/social media. 

But I live in the Philippines, where society is still mostly traditional, conservative, modest, and disapproving of a lot of the progressive stuff happening in the rest of the world – hell, divorce isn’t even legal here. That said, a lot of my views which would otherwise line up with those on social media or those in like US or Canada or Europe would get me a lot of hate and criticism in the Philippines, especially among the older generation. Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? Yeah we threw one for Dave a few years back. My friends also threw an advanced surprise party for Raf on my actual birthday, and I was too hurt about it so I didn’t attend. What would you say your average word per minute time is on the keyboard? We did this in class once for fun when we weren’t really discussing anything, and if I remember anything I hit somewhere between 70-80 words. What is your least favorite class in school? Why is this? Chemistry, calculus, and trigonometry. So fucking useless. Do you bite your fingernails or tap them on desks? I tap my nails onto desks. I only bite them when I’m anxious. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I wanted to learn the drums but never explicitly wanted to be in a band. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? No role models for me. Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? No. We’re close, but we’re also busy, so the only time we get to catch up is when we get to have family lunches/reunions. Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? Not at all. All of my friends’ parents have been lovely. Do you ever have to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? Nope. When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? I dunno actually. I don’t really have to pick up a book to read for a class right now. Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite? Non-fiction. I don’t have a favorite but I will sit down and read any biography you offer me. Do you constantly have to be told to shut up? By who? No, and that would hurt, I think. I have friends who I lowkey think are too talkative for my social battery, but I’d never tell them to shut up. Do you know how to play pool? Are you any good at it? Nah. I don’t even know how to swing(?) the cue. Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? Yeah, I always try to. I always assume or imagine they’re going through something, so I always try to be a little kinder. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was quiet, neither mean nor sweet. I didn’t make trouble at all but I wasn’t exactly the most darling of kids either haha. I was just too shy to move or talk. Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? I’d get in one if I have to, but I don’t thrive on them. How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? I don’t have to make a big spectacle about it if I don’t like someone for whatever reason. I can still be polite and civil if I have to interact with them. < Pretty much. The one way someone would know (if they even notice at all) is that if I would do anything and everything to avoid having to talk to them. Would you say you’re someone who likes to cuss a lot? I say shit and fuck pretty often. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? My entire relationship is a glaring answer to this. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? I don’t know if my dad has one. He has close friends, but not sure about a best friend. If you had to, where would you get a tattoo at? Why? Inner wrist, but I know that would hurt so I might just settle with having no tattoos ever haha. I picked it becauuuuse, idk, it just seems pretty intimate to me. How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? It was the newest model when I got it so it cost like P45,000 or a little less than $1000. Would you say you hang out with people the majority of your life? Yes. For the last 18 years my life has revolved around going to school, so I’m allllllways around people. What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? I’d be pissed and try to hunt down whoever dyed my hair in my sleep, but then afterwards I’d assess if it suits me or not HAHAHA. It’s dyed anyway, so I might as well make sure I look good with it. Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? Yeah, especially the ones on my face. Doesn’t get to happen a lot but I’d do it occasionally. Are you getting sick of the reality show Survivor? Why? I never watched it, but I’m surprised it’s still on. < This. Do you usually explain to people why you do the things you do? It depends what I do but generally, I’m not weird or crazy or daring enough for me to have to explain myself to people all the time. In contrast, I have an org-mate who’s a little on the...experimental side, and we have caught him trying to drink glue or stabbing himself with a pen. He always says he just wants to know how it smells/tastes/feels like, depending on the situation. We’re all lowkey concerned about him though lol. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? We didn’t, because I don’t live in America. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Anything that had me getting pricked, so like platelet count tests and the one time I needed to get IV placed on my wrist. I’m WINCING just thinking about them. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Love Poptarts, my favorite is the chocolate one. We don’t get a lot of flavors here, hence the basic choice. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? Never. Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? I like quiet people who can get chatty and loud when necessary. Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ In terms of who I find attractive? Not really, looks still matter to me. When is the next time you’ll see someone who is pregnant? I only know one person who is and I only see that girl like once a decade lmao so I have no clue if I’ll see anyone else who’s pregnant. Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? No, unless it’s the exact same thing I’ve been doing. Where is your favorite piece of electronic equipment? It is on the drawer next to my bed. Where is the person who ‘owns your heart’ at this moment in time? She’s in her dorm, all passed out considering it’s 4:40 AM lol. Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? Hell no. I’d tell them they’re completely mistaking me for a different person, because I don’t enter the kitchen at allllllll. Would you say you’re a fast texter, or are you pretty slow? I’m fast. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? Nacho Cheese is fine with me. Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? I don’t have any enemies. < Yep. Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Sure. It comes with being a journ student lmao. Does it freak you out when the police drive by your house? I live in a private village so this never happens. I do get paranoid when I’m driving and there’s a police car coming from behind me, though. Are you someone who tends to take a whole lot of naps? Not really. I always have a lot of work to do so I can’t nap even though I would want to. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? I’m fine with Robyn. I’ve gone by it since I was four. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? Eh not really. I usually don’t think of my Sunday outfits until I’m actually already in front of the closet anyway. I never feel like making an effort for church.  What is the color of your favorite pair of pants? What brand are they? Blue. No clue, but they’re mom jeans. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? Nah. I’ve never heard Paramore on a commercial. Do you ever promise pc4pc on Myspace then never return the favor? I never did Myspace. I’m vaguely familiar with the slang, though. What is one song right now that really gets on your nerves? That new Demi Lovato ballad. Bless her for allowing herself to be vulnerable on that track, but for the most part I cannotttttt stand her voice. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2014, a lot of things seemed to fall into my lap back then, and I was simply happy and satisfied. Do those annoying infomercials ever draw you in to buy things? I have never been convinced to buy anything they sell but I WILL spend hours watching the commercials just because of how entertaining they are. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Speeding isn’t an issue here tbh. If it was nearly everybody would be pulled over, I think. Common reasons for being pulled over are like making illegal u-turns, overtaking on a solid double line, or being caught driving when your car is under coding for that day. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? Nope.

[latinegro]

Trigger Warning

I really believe that you can tell all about a person from the way they drive. Actually, I think I know everything I need to know by simply seeing a person operate a vehicle. You have those people who drive safely because they are conscious of the fact that there are rules of the road. They are the people who are too timid to change lanes for fear that anything than bigger than a jeep is going to bear down on them. Then you have the cavalier motherfuckers who give no fucks about you on the road.

It's those cavalier people that I really cannot stand. They’re the ones that will zig-zag on the Saw Mill Parkway just to avoid any kind of traffic as if there are more than two lanes. They are the fuckers who will ride your ass no matter if you’re in the fast lane or slow lane just so you can get out of the way. I really hate those people.

Sometimes, just for giggles I will slow down and pin them between lanes especially if abuela in the green caddy next to me is going 15 miles an hour on Fort Washington. Then you see how fast motherfuckers want to get by you by swerving into oncoming traffic.

So there is no wonder that I’m fuming right now that this asshole just took my parking spot. You know how long it takes to find parking in Washington Heights? Granted I had to go to Nyack today for a cookout. I wanted to get back in time to find parking but it’s a Saturday and no one is trying to move. I found a spot right across the street from my building and as I’m about to make a U-turn, this prick comes from behind and makes a fast U-turn into my spot as I’m about to pull into it.

He’s fucking dead wrong and he knows it. I call him an asshole and he shrugs it off and smiles. I watch him as he gets out the car and closes the front door. I feel all this anger boiling over. It has been a bad fucking week. I’ve had to handle a bunch of babies at work that cannot take the fact I’m younger than them and giving them orders. My girlfriend, Monica, texted me last night that we have to talk and I already know what that means. My student loans are about to kick back in big time because all my forbearances are used up. I’m so fucked and right now, it would’ve been nice if I had just this one thing go right for me.

It takes me another 45 minutes to find parking. I got lucky by finding a spot along Broadway and Dongan Place. Normally I have a strategy for all this. Sometimes I will just circle a 10 block radius to see if anyone is leaving. They have to eventually, it’s a Saturday night. People will leave to go wherever they go or I have to simply wait at a fire hydrant for someone who doesn’t live in the neighborhood to leave and go back home. Which eventually does happen as some white lady and her black boyfriend pulls out of a spot that I immediately take.

I turn off the car and just stare at my phone. Monica apparently doesn’t believe it has taken me over an hour to find parking. I forget that she doesn’t live around here. She is perfectly fine in her Syracuse apartment where all it does there is fucking snow. This is what I get for having a long distance relationship. She never trusts me and I can’t stand it. I’m almost thirty years old and I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt. Monica thinks I have a crush on one of her chapter sisters, Yesenia, which is absurd.

I walk down Broadway texting Monica reassuring her that I am indeed walking home. I even send her a snap chat proving my exact location. Yeah, I’m not even sure why I’m with her. She’s this very hot Peruvian woman I met when I was up there for a Career Fair. I don’t go up there to hit on college girls but the business suit she had on made me think twice about what I majored in. Of course, we exchange glances and then she gives me her resume. Monica was never actually qualified for the job. I work for the bank that buys other banks, so there is no way we were going to be remotely interested in a pre-med major. But what I was interested in was those legs.

I look up from my phone and there’s that car in that parking spot that I wanted. It is still there. A dirty red Chevy Sonic that’s parked wrong with the back tire on the curb. I stop to look at the car. You can tell there is a film of greenish soot like this dude parked under a tree for a week. I can still feel my anger bubbling over. This is what I get for being cheap and opting out of the monthly parking fee that building offers.

I should keep walking right?

I realize I look crazy standing here so I pull out my wireless headphones and connect them to my phone. If anyone comes walking by, I can at least pretend that I’m on the phone. This is New York City, it isn’t uncommon to see people talk to themselves but people will stare unless they think you’re on the phone. Then pedestrians will completely ignore you. But, this doesn’t solve my issue of what to do.

Should I pee on this car? That’s totally classless but I really do have to take a leak. I can just light up asshole’s car really good because it could use some liquid. It hasn’t rained in about three weeks which means this car is gonna smell too. The only real issue it that I have a problem with public urination. Imagine me pissing out in the street when I hate to see other people do it.

I put my hand in my pocket and pull out my keys. I should key this motherfucker’s car. I know all this shit seems real petty right now, but I really need to release this anger that I have. I could draw on this dude’s car right now and not give a fuck about it. I look around to make sure no one sees me. I would have to make this real quick. I’m not only looking out for this asshole but I’m looking out for the police too. I really don’t want to give them a reason to shoot another black man. They just killed a guy in his car a few weeks ago for refusing to leave it. Fuck that.

Wait.

I’m classier than this. I have a corporate job. I work down by South Ferry. I make six figures and I live in the white part of Washington Heights. Why would I do this? More importantly, what would my dad do? Yup, he would walk away. My father was a disciplined Military man that took shit from nobody. God bless his soul. I tried my best to live up to the standards he instilled in me. I will just go upstairs and deal with my feelings.

I finally walk into my building and check the mail. Way too many bills but at least my new Playboy came in… you know, the magazine that doesn’t do nude pictures anymore. I may need to cancel my subscription to this crap. I walk into the elevator and push 6. I live on the top floor. This is not a penthouse apartment but it’s pretty decent for a two bedroom all to myself. I still hear the chimes coming from my phone. Monica is not giving this a rest. Ok, I will admit that I haven’t been the best boyfriend. That trip to Punta Cana was probably ill-advised but my buddy had his bachelor party there and what was I gonna do? Not go? Come on.

I get out of the elevator and I immediately get smacked with the aroma of arroz con gandules. Mrs Garcia must be at it again. That woman is the best cook in the building. I’m just fortunate that she offers her food since she knows I come home late from work every day. She doesn’t like the girlfriend because Monica doesn’t cook. Apparently, I remind her of her grandson.

I walk over to my apartment and let myself in. The lights are on in the living room but the rest of the apartment is dark with the exception for the bedroom. I can see a faint blue light coming from underneath the door. The television must be on. I put my keys on the hook by the door. I walk toward the living room as I kick off my shoes. I plop the mail on the couch.

I open the shades of the window and I can see the street below. I’m still looking at this asshole’s car. I was hoping that I would have distracted myself long enough that my aggravation would’ve passed. I text Monica again letting her know that I’m home and that after a shower I will call her. I toss my phone on the couch and unbutton my shirt. The one thing that I really enjoy about living alone is that I can do anything I want within these walls. If I want to walk around naked then I can do that.

I take off my pants and my shorts. The humidity in this city is crazy. I’m already sweating from that short walk from the car to the apartment. I walk to the over to the corner and pick up the one thing that is going to make me feel good, my Crosman Venom Nitro .22 Air Rifle. I open the window all the way before I take aim.

“Let me guess someone took your parking,” says a gentle and sweet voice. I wondered what took her so long to come out of the bedroom.

“I really did try to calm down,” I say as I take aim with the scope. I bought this thing at Walmart in New Jersey a few months ago. I use it for target practice to scare pigeons and cats. I’ve been getting really good at it. Every so often I may kill a bird or cat. Whatever.

I feel her naked breasts on my back as she places her chin on my left shoulder. “You’re determined to make me miss, huh?” I say as I smile and adjust my aim.

“You haven’t missed yet.”

I pull the trigger and the hear a faint shatter of his driver side windshield. I resume my aim again and fire. The rear driver windshield shatters. I look over to Yesenia and smile. She’s completely naked as she said she would be. I left her here this morning so I could go to Nyack. There was no way I was going to take her to that cookout so I decided to let her make herself at home.

“You’re right, I never seem to miss when you’re here.”

“I guess I should try harder”

Yesenia turns around and as I take aim once again. I try to concentrate as she presses her warm as against my hardening dick. Using a BB gun to shoot out windows of a car is hard enough, but to do while my dick is being stroked by such an incredible ass takes skill. I think she might just make me miss this time. 

As she normally does, she relaxes me so much that I don’t want to pull the trigger. I want to put this rifle down and enjoy her talent. But no, I’m determined to shoot out the front windshield. She must sense how determined I am, because she turns around, looks at me and grabs it. 

I remember that I met Yesenia on the same day I met Monica. She was also at the same career fair, however, she was qualified at so many things. I took her resume and she was hired by one of my colleagues. I didn’t realize they knew each other at the time.

Yesenia goes down on her knees and I recall her once telling me that she has no gag reflex. Once again she proves her case. 

As I adjust my aim, which is now shaky, I see people walking by the passenger side of the car. They have no way of knowing what just happened to this asshole’s car. But their presence forces me to wait. I look down at Yesenia and she winks. Yup, she is making it harder to concentrate. I hear the phone on the couch vibrating. It must be Monica. She still doesn’t trust me.

I don’t blame her. I pull the trigger.

[archieimagines]

Family Don’t End With Blood | Dean Winchester Series | Part 1

I’ve had this idea for a series for a while and decided to try to write it! Reader is the child of Dean Winchester and one of his many one nightstands. But what happens when her mother is mysteriously killed at the hand of angels? And will the reader let the Winchesters into her heart?

word count: 1999 words. warnings: violence, mental illness (schizophrenia, ADHD, dyslexia), swearing, angst, blood and gore.

enjoy ;)

You never knew your father, mom had always said that it was a one night stand. He was apparently some FBI agent that had stopped in town for a case, and he and your mom met at the local bar and later that night you were conceived. He didn’t even know you existed, you thought that had to be better than him knowing and wanting nothing to do with you.

But it would have been nice to have help to look after your mom. She had never been quite ‘there’, she was always going about how she could hear the voices and would sometimes look at you say you weren’t her daughter. Which was impossible because you looked exactly like her except you had vibrant green eyes and were almost 6’0, that you had apparently inherited from your father. When you were 11 she was diagnosed as a schizophrenic after she had screamed in the middle of a dinner how the ‘voices’ were looking for her. Not long after that, you were diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, so not only were you making sure she was getting her treatments, you had to look after yourself. Which meant you practically raised yourself, by the time you were 17 you dropped out of high school, taking an online course so you were closer to your mother.

That was a year ago today. You were currently working at the diner just on the outskirts of the small town you had lived in your whole life. It wasn’t the best job, but it was the best you could do for the time being. Unbeknownst to you, this was the day your life would change forever, for better or for worse.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP

You groaned while turning over in your bed to shut off the alarm you had set the night before. Sitting up, you stretched out your arms and yawned. The sound of pots and pans clanging alerted to you that mom was awake. Jumping out of bed, you quickly got dressed in the tight uniform of the diner, pulling at the top so your cleavage wasn’t spilling out. You tied up your hair, grabbed your phone and car keys before exiting the room.

You entered the kitchen, your mom’s back was turned away from you as she washed the dishes from last night’s dinner. She said nothing, focusing completely on the current task. You walked to the island bench and pulled out your and your mother’s prescription boxes.

“Mom, have you taken your meds?” You inquired looking at the box, she didn’t reply which told you she hadn’t. You popped out two capsules and grabbed the orange juice and poured it into a tall glass.  “Here,” you said, practically shoving the glass and meds in her face. She grunted, drying her hands off with a tea towel before taking them from you.

“When are you getting home?” She asked quietly, pulling gently at her dressing gown.

“Around 11 tonight,” you answered swallowing your own medicine, coughing a bit after.

“You have to be home earlier than that,” she demanded, her eyes squeezed shut.

“Well, that’s when my shift finishes, not a lot I can do.”

“I can’t be alone! They’re going to find me!” She shouted, bringing her fist against her chest. You straightened your posture and held out your hands warily.

“No one’s coming for you, mom. It’s just the schizophrenia talking,” you tried to soothe.

“I’m not sick! They came once when I was pregnant, and they’re going to come back. Please, you can’t let them take me!” She screamed, grabbing onto you hard enough to leave bruises. You grimaced, but didn’t push her away, instead pulling her into a bone-crushing hug and resting your chin on her head as she cried into your chest.

“You’re fine, shh. I’m here, mom. You’re okay,” you whispered on a loop, for almost ten minutes until she calmed down. You sat her down onto one of the dining room chairs, before grabbing a glass of water. “I’ll try to get home earlier, okay?” She nodded silently and squeezed your hand.

You left soon after that, stopping at your next door neighbours. They were a lovely elderly couple, who always kept an eye on your mother while you were at work. You told them about her episode and instructed them to call you if anything else happened. Then rushed over to your red 1970 Pontiac GTO, turning on the ignition and speeding to the diner, seeing you were 15 minutes late for work.

You turned off the engine and ran inside, huffing and puffing, receiving a few odd glances from the customers. You walked behind the counter and to the staff room to see your card had already been punched in. You smiled realising that your best friend Rachel had done it to save your ass… again. Sighing, you grabbed an apron and tied it around your waist.

You went out front, bumping waists with Rachel, who was refilling the ketchup and mustard bottles. She laughed, but stopped when she saw past your happy facade and instead the worry in your eyes. Not even having to ask what happened she hugged you tightly, letting you know that she was here for you.

“Would you two stop hugging and get to work!” Your boss shouted from the kitchen his thick Irish accent making it almost impossible for anyone but the two of you to understand him.

“Fine, Sean!” You both called out in response while rolling your eyes. The day progressed like normal, the same people that always came in did just that. Some people passing through stopped to try some of the famous pie Sean made every day. The only odd thing about the day was the news. Reports of strange murders all around the area, people who had no interaction with the other victims were found with their eyes burned out of their heads. It was worrying at one point a police officer came onto the tv to assure everyone everything was going to be all right. But for some reason you felt like something terrible was going to happen. And all the stress was giving you a killer headache. It felt like your head was about to split right open, like someone was trying to get inside your mind, even. You shook that thought, chuckling at how stupid you were being.

Sean let you off early due to the headache, wishing you a good night. You said bye to Rachel, before jumping into your car and headed home. But stopping at the convenience store, grabbing a bag of M&Ms for you and mom to share if she wasn’t already in bed.

Your heart froze when you pulled up at your driveway. The door of your small home was wide open, practically hanging off its hinges. You launched yourself out of the car, leaving the engine running as your tore inside the house. Several vases and fine china were smashed on the floor.

“Mom! MOM!” You screamed, panic rising in your chest, you checked the whole house. It was a wreck, photos, glass, paper were all strewn over the ground. Several pieces of furniture were turned upside down. By the time you reached the kitchen, tears were gushing down your face, which only increased at the sight you saw.

Your mother was atop the bench, cuts all over her body, blood seeping out a multitude of them, but the most horrific sight was the two gaping holes in her head where her eyes used to be. You screamed as your heart broke. You climbed onto the bench and pulled her head against your chest.

“Please, please don’t. Mommy. Don’t leave, I can’t do this without you.” You cried until the police came storming into your house after they had gotten several calls saying they heard screaming from your house. They had to tear you away from your mother so the morgue could take her and so they could question you. Not to long after that, Rachel came thundering in, wrapping you up in her arms. Her own tears soaking your shoulder, but you couldn’t cry anymore, you felt nothing. You were only a shell of a person without your mom, you weren’t a full person. Rachel stayed with you the rest of the night, not once leaving your side. You sat in the living room, clutching onto an old picture of you and your mother. It was just after you were born, you were wrapped up in your mother’s arms, she was smiling softly at the camera while your grandfather sat next to her, arms around her shoulders. You realised at that point, you had no family, your grand parents had been dead for years and you had no uncles or aunts and your father was complete mystery.

Well, until Rachel came down with small photo clasped in her hands. She had been going through your mothers things, so you didn’t have to. She placed it in your hands, your eyes scrunching up in disbelief. It was a photo of your father, he and your mother were sitting close together in a booth, beers in hand. You saw the similarities between him and yourself, the eyes being the most obvious, they were identical. But now you saw you actually had the same shaped lips, nose and shade of hair. Looking at your mother, you were shocked at how different she looked. She looked a lot younger, no bags under her eyes from sleepless nights. Eyes bright and aware instead of glassy and far away, and no age lines whatsoever.

You wanted to rip the picture apart as well as keep it by your heart forever. Your heart fighting with itself, one side wanted it destroyed because it reminded you that your mother was gone and how hard of life she had ended up having. While the other wanted to keep it because it gave you an idea of what she was like before everything had gone downhill. The fact your father was in it made no difference for you.

Your thoughts were cut off by a knock at the door, you stood up, and held on to the memory of your mother tightly. At the door were two men dressed in suits, one was facing you and the other was turned away and talking on the phone. The taller of the two introduced himself as Agent Perry and his partner was Agent Springsteen. He said he was from the FBI, which you had a hard time believing because of his ridiculously long hair. He started to explain to you that he thought your mother’s death was somehow linked to the string of murders happening all over the country, while he surveyed the house. You heard a curse from behind you, causing you to turn around.

In front of you was the man from the picture in your hand. Your estranged father, who up until today you had honestly thought you’d never meet, was standing before you. He stared back at you in shock, obviously recognising himself in you.

“Do I know y—?” He started warily, but you cut him off with your fist that wasn’t holding the picture, hitting him square in the face. A rage you had never felt before bubbled inside you, it was coursing through your veins and made you feel alive. He recoiled, shouting in pain, his partner turned around preparing to draw his gun. Your father looked up at you, eyes full of confusion and anger.

“Hi asshole, I’m your kid.,” you introduced yourself sarcastically, holding your hand which you were certain that you’d just sprained. Both your father and his partner froze in shock while Rachel came out to ask what was going on. Only to freeze when she saw you apparent father on the ground, you cradling your injured hand and a giant with some long ass hair reaching for his gun in your entryway.

written by: spaz

[leisurelypanda]

Steve walked into the school building on Friday feeling tired as hell. He hadn’t been sleeping well the past few days. He couldn’t stop wondering just how long they were going to last, if he could ever live up to the shame of failing his promise to Thor’s father. He should never have entered that foolish agreement. Being with Thor for a whole year… hell they had barely been together for four months! How exactly was he going to make it to a full year especially when Thor would be leaving for the summer?

Maybe I should just call it quits now, Steve said. Cut my losses before I’m in it too deep.

He needed advice. The problem was that he wasn’t going to see his counselor this week at all. He wasn’t scheduled to see him again until next week, as usual. And he didn’t feel like talking about it to his mom. She seemed happier lately, he didn’t want to ruin the mood by getting her down with his relationship troubles. And he really didn’t want to talk about it with Thor. God knew he could be clingy and he was trying to work on that.

Somehow, he found himself outside of Ms. Foster’s classroom. The room was empty except for her. She was setting up a lab of some sort for her first period physics class. Regular physics, not the AP physics he had with her at the end of the day. He decided to just go for it. He knocked softly on the door.

She turned around and smiled at him. “Steve, how are you? You’re a little early for class, I’m afraid,” she said.

“I… wanted to ask you something,” he said.

“About physics or… something else?” she replied, growing serious.

“Something else. Personal,” he replied. She nodded.

“Help me set these up,” she replied. He set his backpack down at her desk and grabbed some materials to help her out. “So, what seems to be the problem?”

He told her about his concerns with Thor. How he was afraid about how long their relationship would last, about how his father was completely against the idea, how he wondered if it was just his anxiety talking or if he really should be concerned.

“You know,” she said with a slight smile. “If this was a story that deal you made with his father would probably come back to bite you in the butt.”

He chuckled. “That would be just my luck,” he said. “Me and my big mouth.”

“It will be fine, Steve,” she said, looking him in the eye.

“How do you know?” he asked.

“Honey, you may have forgotten, but I’m the faculty adviser for the GSA,” she said pointedly. “And I happened to assign you as lab partners. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. Frankly, if you two weren’t the best in the class I would have split you up back in October.”

Steve blushed as he remembered the situation with that other student who had tried to get them to stop kissing after school let out. Then he thought about her words.

“We’re the best in the class?” he asked. She gave him a look and winked.

“You didn’t hear that from me,” she said. He chuckled at that. “Anyway, I see a lot of love struck young couples here. All part of the whole teacher gig. Most of them stop looking at each other the way you two do past the first month or so. A few make it to three months. You two have been together for four. Still early, admittedly, but still.”

“So what should I do about it?” he asked, helping her to set up the last of the stations.

“Well, I’m not exactly an expert on love,” she replied. “I just teach physics. But if I were to guess, I would suggest talking to him.”

“Great,” he drawled. She laughed at that and toasted with her traveler’s mug.

“It doesn’t have to be today,” she said. “But talking about it might be helpful.”

“What if I’m jumping the ball on this, though?” he asked. “I mean, like you said we haven’t been together that long. What if it’s too soon to think about the future?”

“You’re in high school, Steve,” she said. “You’re graduating this year. There’s no better time to think about the future than right now.”

It didn’t help to quiet his anxiety, but it was somewhat comforting. It helped him figure out what to do, anyway. That was something. He smiled as the school bell rang and rushed to grab his bag so he could get to the other side of the building for his art class in time.

“Thanks, Ms. Foster,” he said. “See you later.”

“Go get ‘em tiger,” she called after him. He walked towards the art portion of the building, grinning as freshmen and sophomores rushed past on their way to class. He ended up in front of his classroom… and Thor wasn’t there. He tried not to be disappointed. But in all honesty, he wasn’t ready for that conversation. He was trying to get through the day. They had that karaoke thing tonight.

Focus on that, he thought. He looked down at his phone before he went into class. There was a text from Thor asking if he was okay.

Yeah, Ms. Foster ran in to me earlier asked if I could help her out with something. Took longer than expected, sorry.

He put it away before going into class. Loki gave him a look that he couldn’t decipher. Concern?  Teasing? He always looked vaguely like the cat that ate the canary: smug, proud, and absolutely self-assured.

“Shall I tell your beau that he was worried over nothing?” he asked in greeting. “I’m afraid I’ll have lost my bet with Tony, though. Shame really. He was going to do something—”

“I’m fine,” he interjected before Loki could tell him what Tony had supposedly agreed to do. Those two were ridiculous.

“Thor was concerned,” he said in passing. “It was nauseatingly sentimental of him.”

“I’m sure it was,” he replied drily.

“I won’t presume to poke at your relationship,” Loki said. “But you know he cares about you.”

“I know,” he replied. He did. But that didn’t put his anxiety at ease.

Thor was trying to remember how to solve the problem in front of him for this calculus test. He was having trouble focusing on it, though. He remembered how to do it more or less, just concentrating was difficult today. Something was troubling Steve beyond him potentially going off his meds. Thor wasn’t sure what, but he could tell there was something up. Whatever it was, it had been going on since Tuesday when Steve had come home with him and told him that he might be going off his meds soon. He tried not to let it worry him. He got like this when anxiety was getting to him, shutting down, putting walls up, reluctant to let anyone in to help him. Although, he did worry if he had done something wrong during the sex they had that day, that maybe he was getting… bored.

Stop that. Focus, he told himself. He finished the test with about 15 minutes to spare and took out a book to pass the time. He knew Steve would draw some simple black and white pencil drawings. He preferred to read, especially fantasy books. It took him longer to read books than he liked to admit, but between sports, school, studying, and Steve (his favorite pastime by far) he didn’t actually get that much time to read.

Steve entered his mind again, as he usually did when they weren’t together. He was in his art class now. Thor was almost positive that Steve was too advanced for the class. He was too good, his drawings had too much detail to be getting much of anything from the high school art class. He wondered what he would be capable of if he was able to get into a good art school.

He saw Steve again when they had his history class in the afternoon. He still had that vaguely distracted look, like there were gears turning in his mind that took over everything else. He must be struggling today if it was still like this.

“Are you well, älskling?” he asked when he sat down next to him.

“‘m fine,” he replied. A lie, then. That was something at least. After William and Elias, both of whom had used him, it was nice to have a partner who couldn’t lie at all. Maybe that was selfish of him, but still.

“Do you need anything?” he asked softly.

“I said I’m fine,” Steve said a little more sharply. Thor decided to let it be. There was no point in prodding him. Steve’s walls could be really effective if he didn’t want to talk about something. One of the few difficult things about being with Steve, to be honest.

The rest of the day was tense. Thor didn’t bring it up again, however. There was no point in having a fight about something trivial before they were about to go out for the charity karaoke event. Tony and Loki weren’t going. Rehearsal had taken over their lives, like it did every year. Loki compared it to selling his soul. There was Wanda and Pietro, but he didn’t know them that well. And what exactly was the point in singing like a lunatic if the person he annoyed by doing it wasn’t going to be there? Having other people laugh and groan at his terrible voice wasn’t nearly as satisfying.

By the time the end of the day rolled around, he was feeling as tense as Steve, probably. They were planning on going to Steve’s apartment, then take the subway to the bar where the karaoke night was taking place. Hopefully they were going to be able to put whatever it was going on between them aside for the evening at least. He focused on that, their evening together.

They didn’t say anything to each other on the ride back to his apartment. Steve was stewing in whatever predicament he was dealing with Thor wondered if he had said the wrong thing the other day, if he should have been more definitive when Steve shared his concern with him. Or if he maybe said something else. It was maddening.

They arrived and Steve flopped on the couch with a sigh. Thor sat down next to him. Steve sighed again.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“For what?” Thor asked, genuinely bemused.

“I’ve been… testy the past few days,” he said.

“It’s all right, love,” Thor replied, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“It’s not, though,” Steve said, leaning against him. He looked like he was about to vomit, the look he got when he was working himself up to say something. He was hoping that this time, it wouldn’t be about something as distressing as it was last time. He hated to see him cry.

“So what has been bothering you?” Thor asked. Steve swallowed.

“I’ve been thinking about… what comes next,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… what do you plan on doing after graduating?” he asked. Thor looked at him, surprised about this turn of events.

“Well…” he said. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it much. I was thinking about going on a tour of Europe, but I do not know.”

Steve hummed. That didn’t seem to have helped. The wheels were still going. A thought occurred to him.

“Is this about me going back to Sweden in the summer?” Thor asked. Steve paused, then nodded. “Steve, that’s months away. There is no need to worry about it.”

Steve turned to look at him. There were tears in his eyes, though Steve seemed to be trying to hold it together by sheer force of will. He was afraid. Of what, Thor could not begin to imagine. It could just be his anxiety acting up. It could be another concern. It could be both. Then as soon as he looked at him, he looked away.

“Right,” he said. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Steve, if you want to talk about it,” Thor pressed.

“It’s fine,” he said, getting up. And just like that, his walls were back up. “Come on, let’s get ready for the karaoke night.”

I am an idiot, Thor thought.

Steve had his evening dose of his antianxiety med right before they were scheduled to leave for the bar and tried not to worry about what would happen if Dr. Erskine was right and his psychiatrist decided to take him off them. His appointment was for Monday morning. He supposed he’d find out then. Coincidentally, his appointment with Dr. Erskine was scheduled for a couple days after that, so whatever happened, he would probably end up talking to him about it.

Thor smiled as Steve pulled on the letterman jacket. He wore it almost every day, though he was going to have to find a way to give it back to him for a few days. It didn’t quite smell like him anymore and it was disappointing. There was something to be said about the whole smell triggering emotions and memories. If there was anything that he do with more of, it was some positive memories and feelings getting triggered rather than his anxiety.

Thor was dressed in a nice, red and black checkered plaid shirt rolled up to the elbow, a black shirt and clean, dark blue jeans. His hair was tied back in a neat ponytail and his beard was neatly groomed. Between that, his clothes, and his build, he looked vaguely like a lumberjack.

“Wow,” he said eloquently. Thor grinned and turned around slowly. Steve’s eyes fell directly to his ass, framed beautifully by the form-fitting denim, strong and tight and round and Steve’s mouth started salivating as he laid eyes on it. “Jesus.”

He caught himself as soon as he saw Thor’s smug, cocky grin. “Don’t even, babe.”

Thor chuckled. “You look sexy yourself, älskling,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to his lips. Steve blushed. His own clothing wasn’t anything special, just a navy blue button up and khakis. And Thor’s jacket, of course.

“You ready?” Thor asked, holding out his arm. Steve looked at it and chuckled before taking it.

“You’re such a sap,” he teased. Thor laughed.

“I think it’s sweet,” his mother said, taking a picture.

“Mom!” he protested.

“Oh hush, I’m getting sentimental in my old age,” she said. “Sue me.”

“You look great tonight, Ms. Rogers,” Thor said. “Do you have plans while we are gone?”

“I have a date tonight,” she said.

“You. What?” Steve asked. “Do I know him? Is it a him?”

“Now, son,” she chastised. “I’m aware that you’re not interested in women, but let me be the one to tell you that a lady has a right to her secrets.”

“Well…” Steve demurred. “If he tries any funny business, let me know. I’ll beat him up for ya.”

Both his mom and his boyfriend laughed at that. He chuckled a bit himself. The idea of him beating anyone up was honestly laughable, unless this guy was as small as he was. His mom came up to him and took his face in his hands.

“You’re sweet, son,” she said, stroking a stray strand of hair out of his face. “You two have fun tonight, you hear me?”

“Yes mom,” he groaned, smiling. “You too.”

“I will,” she said. “Now go on, you’ll be late.”

Thor dragged Steve out the door before he could protest or try to get a little bit more information out of her. Once they were out the door of the apartment, he simply walked with Thor to the subway station.

Whatever Steve had been expecting, this wasn’t it. The place was absolutely packed. He couldn’t even remember what this event was raising money for, he just remembered that it was an event that his school’s GSA had promoted. The idea that this might actually be a community event never crossed his mind. He squeezed Thor’s hand, taking comfort in his presence. Bars were hard, even when they didn’t serve alcohol. Thor covered his hand with both of his as they stood in front of the door.

“Thanks,” he said.

“We can leave if you want,” Thor said. “No one said we had to stay the whole time.”

“Right, right,” he said. He took a deep, fortifying breath. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Thor led him into the loud bar. People were already singing on stage. The ones who were actually brave enough to, anyway. Without alcohol, the more reserved, like Steve would have to suppress their inhibitions themselves. Not that he was planning on getting up and singing, not at all.

They met Pietro and Wanda sitting at a booth, waving them over. Steve hurried over, eager to seclude himself among people he knew rather than mill about with perfect strangers. He was suddenly really self-conscious. Who wore button downs and khakis to a club, anyway? Someone who had absolutely no business being in one, that’s who.

“Relax,” Thor said. “We’re here to have fun.”

“Yeah, Steve. You look fine,” Wanda said, taking a hand in hers. It was somewhat reassuring.

“Do both of you read minds?” Steve asked. “Because it was hard enough with just Thor and his entire family. Or am I just that easy to read?”

“It could be both,” Pietro said, with a grin.

“Is that Ms. Foster?” Thor asked, pointing to the stage.

Those assemble turned to look as, to their shock, Ms. Foster in civilian attire began singing at the top of her lungs to What’s Up by 4 Non Blondes. She’s… an amazing singer with a rich alto voice. The entire bar began to sing along, from the bartenders to the students who were probably all equally shocked that she actually showed up. Volunteers went around asking for donations from the patrons. Thor handed in a folded check. Steve didn’t ask how much he put on there. It was certainly more than he would ever think to give for a charity. Mostly because he was broke.

Cheers erupt from the audience as the song comes to a close and Ms. Foster bows and exits the stage. A few more people show up, doing a decent job, though there was one guy who had a good tenor voice who sang a song Steve didn’t recognize. It was nice enough. Ms. Foster was making the rounds, greeting all the students who came out to partake in the event.

“Your voice is amazing!” Wanda gushed when she showed up at their table. “I had no idea that you could sing like that!”

“Thanks, Wanda,” she said. “Any of you gonna go up and strut your stuff?”

“I think I’m the only one who isn’t,” Steve said.

“Aw come on, Steve!” Pietro said, leaning across the table to punch him lightly on the shoulder. “Live a little! It’s for a good cause.”

“Hey, Thor already donated money on my behalf,” Steve countered, drinking his coke. “Getting up to sing wasn’t in the plan for the evening.”

“I am singing on your behalf, then too,” Thor said, looking up towards the stage.

Just then the karaoke stage was empty and Thor got up to go get on stage. Steve said a Hail Mary (or some of it, anyway, he only knew the first line) as he watched Thor talk to the DJ and step up to the mic. Whistles and cheers sounded as soon as he was under the spotlight and a strange combination of jealousy and smugness stirred within Steve. Jealousy over people ogling his boyfriend and smugness that he was his boyfriend.

Not for long if he goes back to Sweden, a stray thought told him. That stopped him cold and he started doing a brief meditation exercise, focusing on the here and now rather than stray, unwelcome thoughts.

“This one’s for you, love,” he said, not indicating where Steve was in the crowd. The twins and Ms. Foster all turned to smile at him and he blushed, pulling his jacket around him. Ms. Foster sat down in the seat Thor abandoned and looked up at the stage eagerly.

“I bet he has a great baritone,” she said. “His voice is certainly deep enough.”

“You’re not wrong on that one,” Steve said. Meanwhile, Wanda had taken out her phone to record him.

The song began. It was an 80s rock song that immediately elicited cheers from the crowd. Even Steve knew this one. He groaned as he thought that his boyfriend might ruin Africa by Toto for everyone.

Bizarrely enough, the crowd got really into it. People were singing along, even the people at his table and Steve found himself singing as well. It was one of the few songs from the 80s he actually knew. He even laughed when Thor belted out, I bless the rains down in Africa every time the chorus came.

Eventually the song ends and the crowd cheers, even Steve for once, even though Thor’s voice remained absolutely terrible. He was beaming the way he always did when he sang. Ms. Foster and the twins stood when Thor approached. They all hugged him, laughing at his antics. Steve smiled and hugged him as well.

“Have you come around on my golden pipes yet, Steve?” Thor asked.

“Ehhh, the jury’s still out?” Steve replied.

“Maybe I need to go up again tonight,” Thor laughed. “I will convince you of the beauty of my voice yet.”

“What have I ever done to you, Thor?” Steve joked.

“You stole my heart, of course,” Thor replied, kissing him lightly on his forehead.

“All right, that’s enough sweetness for tonight,” Ms. Foster said, walking towards another group of students. “I’m going to have to call my dentist in the morning.”

The rest of the evening was spent laughing and singing, though Steve never got up to sing himself. Wanda and Pietro did a cover of Don’t Stop Believin’. They were among the few people who were actually good tonight, most everyone else was either terrible, nothing special, or decent, which Thor assured him was how most karaoke nights were. He did eventually get up to sing Eye of the Tiger, which he didn’t have the voice for at all. Just like last time, Wanda took out her phone to record his performance. He seemed to have a thing for 80s rock songs. Actually, that seemed to be a theme for the crowd in general.

Around midnight, though, Steve was starting to fall asleep on Thor’s shoulder. He awoke when his boyfriend shook his shoulder gently and yawned loudly.

“Ready to go home?” Thor asked. Steve yawned again and nodded.

“Five more minutes,” he said, laying his head back on Thor’s shoulder. Thor kissed the top of his head.

“Come, my love,” he whispered, shaking him a little harder. “Let me take care of you.”

Steve hummed and opened his eyes. The twins were smiling amusedly at him and he blushed. Thor helped him up and guided him towards the door. It was a cold night. The bustling sounds of the city, people chatting, cars driving, honking, street performers plying their trade, fell around him like a river over stones, smoothing away his worries and his weariness. Thor came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. He breathed in his scent, wood smoke and pine, and leaned back into his chest.

“Come, my älskling,” he whispered. “Let’s go home.”

“Whose home?” he asked.

“Whichever one you want, love,” Thor replied.

Steve opened his eyes and tilted his head up to smile at his boyfriend. Thor kissed his forehead as they stared into each other’s eyes.

“I love you,” Steve whispered.

Thor smiled and kissed him again. “And I, you, Steve.”

[xf-cases-solved]

Bedroom Church Choir

MSR

Explicit

Pt. 1 (can be read as a standalone)

Melissa sang in the church choir.

She stood front row, sang first soprano, and always got the best solos. She’d had a gift—an uncanny ability to carry a multitude of emotion with a single syllable. A man who had never been fed a drop of religion in his life could know what it was like to know God, just by hearing Melissa sing.

Scully sat in the pews.

She’d be the first to tell you she couldn’t carry a tune. Her musical résumé included a few simple hymns she sang under her breath on the rare occasions she actually made it to Mass, and a monotone rendition of a Three Dog Night classic; she never wanted to be in choir.

But still she envied Melissa.

As a child, tugged out of her muddy, ripped jeans, and forced into a dress, sitting on an old, creaking bench with her mother at her side, hissing, “Sit like a lady, Dana!” Scully’s heart was green when she heard her sister sing.

It wasn’t the notes she was jealous of, but the emotions. Scully, who felt deeply but was twice as guarded, couldn’t fathom the ease at which Melissa poured herself into such a public display of self-expression.

Maggie Scully always said, that when she was born, her eldest daughter didn’t cry.

“I asked the doctor what was wrong, but he just smiled and said, ‘She’s just taking it all in, Mrs. Scully. You’ve got a very curious baby on your hands.’”

And of course, that was true. As a newborn, she prioritized understanding the brand new place she’d been pushed into, over giving into the fear of its newness, and thus began the repertoire of Dana Scully; a constant of hers, literally since birth. Melissa was truly gifted, but never let it be said that Scully was not without her own wealth of talents. It took, after all, an incredibly talented person to hold the Universe in the palms of her hands, and pick it apart until it was nothing more than atomic numbers on the elemental table.

But the drawback was that she had walls, somewhat by nature, and certainly by nurture.

It’s not that Scully was dispassionate. No one who truly knew her would call her cold or calculating. She laughed easily at things she found funny, and cried when it was necessary, and she carried within her a heart so full of sentimentality and romantic idealization that among her wealth of medical journals and scientific studies, one could find Austen, Brontë, and du Maurier. But surely, with a heart so fragile and a mind so analytical, it was only logical to keep it safe.

It wasn’t always about safety, however, but rather, shame. Scully, so independent and self-assured, had the bizarre tendency towards hero worship. Likely, she was born with an overflowing amount of loyalty, and like opposing ends of a magnet being drawn together, she gravitated towards anyone she felt she could unburden some of it on.

Her first hero was her father—a naval captain, who was emblematic of what a man of his time was meant to be. He loved to his core, but was wont to express it more often with a salute than with a hug. And Scully idolized her father, trying so hard to emulate what she saw as a representation of perfection, that she began to see every tear, or hurt, or pain as a weakness, and she began to keep them inside.

And then she had to go and become a doctor, of all things, where she had to work ten times as hard as her male peers just to prove she belonged there. Short, petite, and so very much a woman, Scully could never let her classmates see her as anything but the hardened intellectual facade she brought to her lectures, and into her labs, and then into her residency, until suddenly, that was just who Dana Scully was to any new person she met; logic and intellect personified, in order to avoid the misogyny, both purposeful and ingrained, of her peers.

(She had loved one man in med school, opening her heart exactly once. He was a man who saw her both as a woman and an intellectual, and he was someone she had no right to claim, and when she finally walked out the door and into the arms of the FBI, she couldn’t be so sure if it had been her heart that she had opened to him, or her ego.)

And this all brought her here, to this life she now led, as the voice of reason sidekick to a man she had given her wealth of loyalty to, to the surprise of them both.

Mulder, of course, was not someone she needed to fear judgement from—she had witnessed him proposing alien abduction as a plausible theory to a room full of his superiors on more than one occasion—but by the time he entered her life, or, more accurately, by the time she had been forced into his, her walls had been widened and caulked so substantially that it never occurred to her that vulnerability was an option.

(Every now and then, Mulder would hack away a piece of metaphorical cement, and glimpse at the person behind the wall, and while he never once would pass judgement on her for simply being human, Scully would rebuke herself for her weakness.)

Which is why, today, she is thrown entirely off guard as Mulder asks her, so bluntly and inelegantly that she does a mental double-take, “Why are you so quiet in bed?”

It is either very late, or very early, depending on your point of view. The sun hasn’t quite started to rise, but the sky is starting to brighten just a bit around her halo glow. Scully and Mulder spent the better part of their Thursday night, and Friday twilight hours, on a stakeout outside of an ugly, brick apartment complex in a town of less than 4,000 in rural Kansas, which ended in a foot chase down a dead end alleyway and Scully’s gun pressed against the temple of a man with the marking that led them here tattooed on his right forearm, while Mulder read him his Miranda rights.

“Y’all might as well go back to your hotel and get some rest,” said the local sheriff who arrived on the scene shortly after. “I only got one other officer on duty so it’ll take some time to take care of the booking, and the forensic lab in KC won’t have gotten back to you with the test results on the corpse until at least this afternoon.”

And Scully should have jumped on the opportunity for rest, having not truly slept in well over a day, but she found she was still hyped on adrenaline, and with a single look at Mulder she knew he was feeling the same, which is how they now found themselves sitting in a lumpy booth inside a 24/7 diner, with Mulder inquiring about their bedroom habits.

Because, due to a couple beers over a Twilight Zone marathon taken too far two weeks ago, they actually have bedroom habits—a fact Scully is more or less never not thinking about. Even when she is preoccupied with paperwork, or meetings, or chasing bad guys down rural Kansas alleyways, the back of her mind is always replaying the feel of Mulder’s fingers or the taste of his tongue, like some sort of X rated background noise.

“Mulder,” Scully hisses, after she’s taken a moment to recover. She glances over her shoulder. The diner is entirely empty except for an elderly, heavyset man in the far corner looking like he’s trying, unsuccessfully, to sober up over a cup of black coffee, and the disinterested waitress leaning against the counter, snapping bubbles with her chewing gum while flipping through a gossip magazine without seeming to read a single word.

“Relax, no one is paying attention to us,” says Mulder, reading her thoughts, cutting off her reprimanding before it can begin. She turns back to him and puts both her hands around her mug of English breakfast tea, and stares into it with a frown.

“Where’d that question even come from?” she asks her tea.

“Just something I’ve been wondering since this whole…” He clears his throat. “Erm, thing started.”

“And a crappy diner at 4:30 in the morning is when you decide to ask it?” asks Scully, occupying herself by grabbing another sugar packet and tearing it open to pour into her tea. “Why were you even thinking about our sex life right now?”

“Not to be crass, but it’s probably safe to say that I’m always thinking about our sex life,” says Mulder, and Scully tries to shoot him a glare, but she’s pretty sure it comes out a smirk, because the idea of ‘our’ sex life is still so new and exciting that she gets the flutters in her belly at the thought.

“Hate to break it to you, Mulder, but real life isn’t like those VHS tapes in your desk. Not all women scream bloody murder when they’re fucked.”

Mulder regards her with a sly gleam in his eye that makes her suspicious as he takes a bite of apple pie. “I know that,” he says through his mouthful. He swallows. “I just have the distinct impression that you’re secretly one of them.”

Scully blinks at him. “What makes you think you’d know something like that?”

“I’m a behavioral psychologist,” he says. “It’s my job to know.”

Scully rolls her eyes, and goes back to stirring sugar into her tea, not dignifying that with a response. She takes a sip and grimaces—too sweet.

“That, and you always try to stop yourself from making noise,” Mulder continues, and Scully’s head shoots up.

“I do not,” she defends. In response, Mulder raises an eyebrow, and reaches up to pull the collar of his shirt to the side, revealing the fresh, red bite mark on his collarbone, and Scully flushes, remembering the night before in the motel room they were very much not supposed to be sharing, as Mulder pushed into her and she’d muffled her scream by digging her teeth into the flesh of his muscular shoulder. She scowls. “Circumstantial evidence,” she says.

Mulder cracks a grin, and responds by reaching over and gently taking Scully’s hand that’s wrapped around her mug, and closely examining a faded mark on the skin between her index finger and her thumb, also in the shape of Scully’s bite, and Scully pulls her hand away, thinking about a week and a half ago in her apartment, when Mulder went down on her while she was sitting on the couch, and she had caught her moan before it escaped by clamping down on the webbing between her two fingers, so hard she drew blood.

“What’s your point?” she asks crossly, wishing Mulder had the decency not to look so smug.

“It’s not a point, it’s a question,” he says, sitting back in his chair. “Are you quiet in bed because that’s just how you are, or is it for some other reason?”

“What other reason would there be?”

Mulder shrugs. “You tell me.”

And Scully is at a loss, because the truth is that Mulder’s right—she isn’t a quiet lover. But she wishes that she were, because inside every moan, groan, and wail of pleasure, there’s a vulnerability attached. To be vocal in bed is to admit to feelings she’d rather not say.

“I’ve been louder with other people,” she says.

“So just not with me?”

“Of course not with you,” she says, almost annoyed, because he sounds almost hurt, but he knows her so well, shouldn’t it be obvious? “Not with you because you matter.”

Mulder makes that face he makes when she says something unexpected. He pulls his eyebrows together, and his mouth forms a question he can’t find the words for, and Scully secretly revels in it, because it’s rare.

“You don’t get it,” she says for him, and he doesn’t disagree.

“Explain it to me?” he says instead, and she stirs her cooling, overly-sweet tea.

“I could never sing in church choir.”

“No offense, but among your many talents singing isn’t one of them.”

She smiles, knowing that for a moment they are both back in the woods in northern Florida, flirting about sleeping bags while monsters lurk in the dark. She says, “I could spend my whole life perfecting vocal technique, and I’d never sound beautiful, because I don’t know how to put emotion behind it. I don’t want to put emotion behind it.”

“Art requires a degree of vulnerability,” Mulder agrees.

“So does letting someone you care about know the things they make you feel,” says Scully, and Mulder understands.

“I’m not a congregation, though.”

“No, you’re something worse.”

“You don’t have to give me anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“But you deserve it,” Scully finds herself saying. God, she’s been up for so long. God, she’s been fighting for even longer. “But I want to. I just don’t know how.”

Mulder is silent. So is Scully. The man in the corner grumbles about his hangover into his hands.

“I have an idea,” says Mulder finally. “But you need to tell me if it’s too much.”

“It’s not too much,” says Scully automatically. She trusts him with her life.

—-

Even as the sun rises, the hotel room is dark. It faces west, and the light is in the east. They’ve got the curtains pulled tight, and the lamps off. It’s an old motel, with only five channels without static, two of which are local weather stations, and the comforter pattern doesn’t match the carpet. Scully lays on her back, a sleeping mask resting over her eyes, as Mulder takes her wrist and locks it inside the cool metal of his handcuffs.

The backboard of the bed is made up of discolored, metal columns, and Scully listens as the opposite end of the handcuffs is placed around one. She tugs experimentally. She’s stuck in place.

“Safeword?” Mulder asks her for the third time, as he takes her other wrist gently in his hand, and takes her own pair of handcuffs to trap her to the bed. Their superiors would love to know what they do with FBI property; maybe it’d finally get them out of the building.

“Abduction,” she says for the third time, and she can’t see it, but she knows Mulder smiles, because he laughed for a full minute when she picked that as the word.

“It’s about sensation,” he explains again, as though reminding himself. “It’s about feeling and letting go. But if it gets to be too much—”

“Mulder?” she interrupts.

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

And she hears him huff out a breath of laughter, and she feels his lips against hers, just briefly, in a chaste reassurance. “Okay,” he breathes, hot on her skin. And she waits, chained and entirely nude, more vulnerable than she has willingly been, possibly ever. The fear she feels treads the line of exhilaration, as Mulder runs a hand along her thigh.

She hums her contentment. Humming is okay. Humming is not revealing. It’s the noise equivalent of, “that’s nice,” which isn’t scary to say. Yes, that’s nice. Full stop. No barriers broken, image maintained.

He kisses her again, harder this time, and she responds enthusiastically, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair, but being met with the clang of metal on metal and resistance against her wrists. She can’t touch him, and that’s a bit unnerving, as she realizes how unlevel the playing field is. That is, of course, the point, but theory is never the same as practice.

Mulder moves his lips along her jawline, licking her lightly in the spot just behind her ear that is strangely erogenous, and she lets out a muffled, “mmph!” A step up from humming, but not quite the danger zone just yet.

He nibbles lightly on the skin of her neck, not hard enough to raise eyebrows at their meeting with Skinner day after next, but enough that it tickles in that way where it is indistinguishable from minute pain, and a groan builds in the back of her throat, like a low rumble of thunder, but it doesn’t escape.

Two fingers suddenly pinch around her nipple, and she can’t help the gasp that escapes. She can’t see him twist the sensitive flesh; can only feel his fingers tug, and his tongue joins them, and there’s something about the darkness that makes it that much more intense. She pulls her lips inward, and bites down on them, muting the sounds that threaten to pour off her traitorous tongue.

Without moving from her nipple, his other hand reaches down between her legs. A finger dips quickly inside her, and then encircles her engorged clit, lubricating her with her own wetness. “Oh,” she says, softly, turning her head and resting her cheek against her shoulder, and she tries to find something to bite down on, but she can’t reach. “Oh!” she says again, surprised this time, as the fingers around her nipple tighten, and his mouth moves to her other breast, expertly working three of her most sensitive spots at once.

Abruptly, he moves away from it all, and she protests, until she feels him positioning himself between her thighs, and then she smiles, because she knows this is his favorite. She never has to ask; you’d think her pussy was heroin the way he seems to crave it.

But she isn’t prepared for this, as his tongue makes contact, and his fingers slip inside her. She isn’t prepared for the intensity of it, as she pulls on the handcuffs, surely leaving marks in the skin, trying to grab hold of something to concentrate on anything other than the steady motion he’s gotten nearly perfect at.

A tightness begins to build where his mouth presses against her, and every hair on her body is standing on end. It’s too much, too much, and she goes to shout, “abduction!” but it comes out as, “fuck!” In fact, it comes out as a string of expletives, each one louder than the next, punctuated by high, desperate moans, as though she were a woman in one of Mulder’s VHS tapes.

And then her orgasm is washing over her, and she is faintly aware of her voice growing hoarse; of the clang of metal on the backboard pinging like mad, and she doesn’t care. Isn’t that something, she thinks somewhere in her blissed out mind, she doesn’t care. She is singing her own one-person church choir, and Mulder is her congregation, and they both know what it’s like to know God.

She comes down, breathing harder than she had in the alleyway with a gun in her hand, and Mulder pushes up her mask, his eyes wild, looking at her like she’s the answer to every mystery he’s ever encountered, and he crushes his mouth against hers, filling her tongue with the taste of herself.

With no prelude, Mulder pushes his erection inside her easily, and she buries herself in the warmth of his neck, saying all the things she’s never allowed herself to say, using filthy, single syllables. He says it all back to her in the same language. She comes again, which only happens when the sex is particularly special, and he follows her, spilling as deep inside of her as he can get.

Then there is silence; nothing but the sound of their tandem breaths.

“Jesus,” says Mulder finally, and Scully, who has said everything and more, can do nothing else but nod.

He slips out of her; undoes her binding. He rubs her wrists, peppering the red marks with soft kisses, and then gathers her up into his arms.

“I thought you couldn’t sing,” he whispers into her ear, petting her sweaty, properly-fucked-looking hair.

She smiles into his touch.

“I guess I just needed somebody to teach me how.”

[2019dclmed]

Planning Port Adventures & Onboard Activities

Taking advantage of that Platinum status!

FYI in addition to the Disney Cruise Line website, we found “Rick Steve Mediterranean Cruise Ports Guidebook” and the Disney Cruise Line Blog Podcast’s Review of the 2018 Disney Cruise Line Med Cruise (Part 1 & Part 2) to be highly valuable.

Having never taken a European Disney Cruise, I had no real concept of how many Platinum cruisers might be sailing and thus, how competitive it might be to book our preferred Port Adventures. So being the risk-averse person that I am, I made sure to log on at midnight (even though I had to be at work at 8am). This time, luckily, it was effortless!

Our plans for this trip were:

Barcelona Planning

Hotel

For our one night stay, we took advantage of Kara’s Marriott Free Night Certificate. (Without this, we would have been very tempted to stay at the W, Renaissance, or Eurostars Grand Marina.) There were plenty of options, just none really close to the port. Ultimately the AC Hotel by Marriott Diagonal L’Illa was primarily my choice based on reviews, a higher potential to have two separate beds, and nearby a central shopping area. The shopping area was a factor as one of my great frustrations of international travel is the potential time and challenge of finding acceptable dining options, especially when I struggle with the native language. And of course, #DisneyStore! Finally, as we know we will be jet-lagged and already prefer quiet, calmer environments, we were additionally happy to avoid the popular Las Ramblas area.

Kara: With all the planning Gayle has done for us, the tiniest thing I could do is use a free night certificate for this hotel. In total it is costing us 2.42 EUR!

Tour

We were slated to arrive at BCN at 9am. Thus, to work to adapt to the time change and presuming our hotel room wouldn’t be ready that early, we needed to decide how we’d spend our few hours in Barcelona. After considerable research, we determined we really weren’t interested in the normal tourist sites of the city (including La Sagrada Familia, blasphemy, I know)! Kara voicing no preferences, I pitched my now go-to in any new city - a food/chocolate tour! (On the last study abroad, I had a chocolate tour booked in Rome that ultimately didn’t come together. However, the one I did in London was phenomenal and can’t wait to do it again!)

Most options started at 10am, so all of those were out. Quite happily we booked the Old Town Chocolate Tour from Barcelona Chocolate Tours. We selected the noon departure for this light two-hour experience for 59 Euro pp; it is gratefully limited to a maximum of 13 people. (We’re only slightly worried about making the meeting time!) The tour was described as:

Visit the chocolate museum of Barcelona and learn about how chocolate is fabricated today, a long process where starts from a cocoa tree. Discover the chocolate tradition in Barcelona by visiting the old town and the three most famous shops boasting the best chocolate in Barcelona along with a glass of champagne, coffee or tea, according to the group’s request. Meeting point at the Museum of chocolate .

Kara: After reading Dan Brown’s “Origin”, I am intrigued by La Sagrada Familia and many other sites in Barcelona. That said, given we have only a few hours in the city and knowing we’ll be exhausted, I think the chocolate tour will be a much better use of our jet lagged time to both see a bit about the city and to enjoy some sweets.

Sunday, May 26, 2019 - Day at Sea

Tonight, since we will have time to get ready and it’s Formal Night, we are dining at our beloved Palo. We really appreciate having this as a Platinum benefit. While we tried the Brunch once, we are the dinner lovers, especially the pappardelle and Chocolate Souffle (for me). I have a saying, the best desserts are souffle, brulee, and flambe!

As for the Port Adventures, this cruise will be a genuine “adventure” for us. Typically we cruise as an unplugged, relaxing vacation from our jobs. Not this time! Nope! If we’re flying all the way to Europe, we’re going to make the most of our location. So here is a chronological order of our Port Adventures and a little reasoning for them. (I like to include Disney’s official description so I can compare it to my actual experience later in the blog and to serve as a resource to future DCL Med cruisers!)

FYI we are doing only Disney Cruise Line Port Adventures. Why? Because unlike every other area of our lives, Kara is more risk-averse… to missing the ship! Doing some research, she’s not wrong. The majority of what we are doing, how long it will take, and where we are going is nowhere close to the ports. Additionally, the last time I was in Rome, we experienced a public transit strike! Also, we’re not really interested in taking a train to the next port and sleeping in a train station!

Kara: And, YES! I have no desire to watch the cruise ship sail away without me on it in a country where I don’t speak the language at all.

Monday, May 27, 2019 - Naples

Amalfi by Boat & the Splendor of Sorrento (NP41) - Gayle only

For awhile I was booked on Kara’s (below). However, the more and more I read, I just knew I had no interest in spending 90 minutes of my trip at Pompeii. I tinkered with Capri for a bit, but it just didn’t seem interesting enough, especially since I had only minimal interest in the Blue Grotto. I had wanted to take a tour of the Amalfi Coast during the last study abroad, but it wasn’t offered on one of our free days. Now I’m hoping for relatively calm seas to not overrun my Bonine and because high seas mean most of this gets cancelled and replaced by a tour of Naples. Fingers crossed!

9.5 Hours to 10 Hours - $175 (age 10 and up)

The Amazing Amalfi

Drop anchor and have lunch in the seaside town of Sorrento—then take a guided tour through the cobblestoned streets.

On this adventure you will...

Take an approximately 75-minute drive to Sorrento.

Upon arrival at Sorrento, enjoy an optional guided walking tour of the historical center or have approximately 45 minutes of free time to explore the Corso Italia neighborhood, a flower-lined main thoroughfare. Or choose to visit the Correale Museum, where you can admire antique furniture, porcelain and Neapolitan paintings.

Savor an authentic Italian lunch included in this tour."

Re-board your motorcoach for a 75-minute drive, passing Mt. Vesuvius to Salerno.

Board a private motor launch, and enjoy spectacular views during a 45-minute cruise along the stunning Amalfi Coast. Note: This ride can be bumpy. Guests who suffer from motion sickness are advised to take precautions.

Arrive in the town of Amalfi and embark on a guided walking tour of the historical sites of this charming "white village."

Enjoy 1 hour of free time to sightsee independently or shop for souvenirs.

Reboard the motor launch for the cruise back to Salerno. There, board the motorcoach for the return drive to Naples.

Make a 30 minute stop at a local cameo factory during your transfer back to Naples and the pier.

Timeless Pompeii and the Flavor of Sorrento (NP06) - Kara only

(I’m writing this for Kara since we’re not currently in the same location.) This one is simple: CHEESE!

Kara: Here’s my additional commentary. First, I’m shocked Gayle and I decided to do separate things on one day of this trip - that’s very unnatural for us. As to why I chose this one, I am trying to fit a LOT into this trip so I can get an idea of what I love about Italy and what I might not be all that interested in spending more time with on a future trip. I’m not particularly excited about Pompeii, but I feel like it’s a must do in Italy. We won’t do Pisa or Venice on this trip so in the vein of fitting in as much as possible, Pompeii stayed in the list.

8.5 Hours to 9 Hours - $155 (age 10 and up)

Seaside Charms and Ancient Ruins

Sample Sorrento’s farm fresh fare and walk the ruins of the city buried in the volcanic eruption of Mt. Vesuvius.

On this adventure you will...

Drive about 75 minutes, passing Mt. Vesuvius, to the seaside town of Sorrento.

Arrive at a local farmhouse and learn the process of producing mozzarella cheese and enjoy a sample of their products, such as fresh mozzarella and salami.

Return to Sorrento’s main center and take an optional guided walking tour of the historical center.

Enjoy 60 minutes of free time to explore Corso Italia, the flower-lined main thoroughfare of the town, and the Correale Museum, home to antique furniture, porcelains and Neapolitan paintings.

You’ll have 90 minutes for lunch (not included).

Drive about an hour to the famed ancient city of Pompeii, buried by volcanic ash from Mt. Vesuvius in 79 AD. Upon arrival to Pompeii, walk to the entrance gate, approximately 15-minutes where your tour begins.

Embark on a 90-minute guided walking tour of the ruins of this buried city.

Make a 30 minute stop at a local cameo factory before the transfer back to Naples.

Drive 30 minutes back to Naples.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019 - Rome

Vatican Behind the Scenes and Panoramic Drive (CV105)

Having been to Rome twice (& kinda being over it at this point, except for the gelato), I told Kara to pick whatever she wanted. We soon figured out we’d have to choose a little of everything or a lot of one thing. So she decided to do a deep-dive at the Vatican, especially with some of the more behind the scenes & access features. (Plus, now it looks like we might be back here next year for another study abroad….)

Kara: I’ve ALWAYS wanted to visit Rome. I am so excited about visiting the Vatican. The papacy intrigues me and the art and history associated with this state is intense. I would love to see more of Rome, but with only one day I thought it would be best to use our dollars to get the absolute best possible tour of the Vatican we could.

10 Hours to 10.5 Hours - $259 (age 10 and up)

Experience Masterpieces That Inspire

Immerse yourself in the works of Michelangelo―from the Sistine Chapel to St. Peter’s Basilica.

On this adventure you will…

Take a 90-minute drive from Civitavecchia to Rome, where you’ll join an exclusive walking tour inside Vatican City.

Discover the smallest state in the world with a 3-hour guided tour of the Vatican Gardens, Sistine Chapel and St. Peter Basilica.

Enjoy a unique walk behind the scenes of the Vatican. See the exterior of Pope Emerito House, the Vatican Radio Station, the Academy of Science, the Pope’s former Summer Residence, the Vatican government Palace, a piece of the original Berlin Wall and the Fontana dell’Aquilone, a lovely fountain with water games.

Look at St. Peter’s Basilica from behind and admire the Cupola from a very singular prospective. Take photos in the Vatican Gardens and discover one of the most prestigious museums in the world.

Visit the Gallery of Maps, the Gallery of Tapestries, Candelabras and the Chapel of Pio V before entering the Sistine Chapel to admire one of the greatest masterpieces in the world.

Experience Michelangelo’s frescos, magnificent works that changed the course of arts forever.

Be escorted through a special access to St. Peter’s Basilica, which will allow you to avoid long lines. Discover the largest church in the world and stroll through its aisles while admiring Michelangelo’s “Pieta” and the beautifully carved Bernini Pulpit.

Enjoy 90 minutes of free time at St. Peter’s Square to have lunch, explore on your own or shop for souvenirs.

Re-board the motorcoach and Take a panoramic drive past some of Rome’s highlights such as Circus Maximus, Palatine Hill and Colosseum.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019 - Florence

Cooking lesson at Castello del Trebbio (LV95)

THIS is the one we are most excited about! I’m eager to experience the Italian countryside, as I’m not really a city mouse. Also, after we did a glassblowing PA on the West Coast Repo, we know that hands-on “experiences” are more valuable and satisfying to us. Additionally, anything that involves food is right up our alley. Kara can really cook; I cannot. So this should be highly entertaining for all involved!

Kara: I get to cook fresh pasta in a castle!

7 Hours to 7.5 Hours - $315 (age 21 and up)

An Authentic Italian Experience

Take a cooking lesson at a wonderful medieval castle located in the Tuscan countryside.

On this adventure you will…

Embark on a scenic 1-hour and 45-minute drive to Castello del Trebbio located in close proximity to Florence.

Arrive at a true Tuscan medieval castle with a fully equipped, modern kitchen perched atop a hill with a spectacular view of the surrounding countryside.

The castle was built by the Pazzi family, an old Florentine nobility that rivaled the prominent Medici clan. Today, Castello del Trebbio is an artisanal producer of olive oil and wine, as well as a destination for special events. It is owned and run by the Bai Mario family of winemakers.

Explore parts of this beautiful old castle and the cellars with your guide.

Learn how to prepare pasta dough and tomato sauce using fresh and local ingredients from the resident chef.

Enjoy hors d’oeuvre and the meal you helped to prepare accompanied by wine.

Return after lunch to the motorcoach for the drive back to your ship in Livorno.

Part of the Culinary Adventures series - Celebrate the stories, cultures and flavors of the places you'll visit with cooking classes, wine and dessert programs, and epicurean adventures that include a dash of something extra.

Thursday, May 30, 2019 - Monte Carlo

Monaco, The Marina and The Little Train (V01)

We really struggled to choose a PA in this port. There were components of all of them we weren’t interested in. The main reasons we chose this one are 1) that’s it’s a half-day (vs our three previous full days) and 2) we enjoyed a similar “little train tour” on a PA in Key West. If the seas are such that we have to dock elsewhere, which I’ve read has happened previously, we won’t be sad to miss this. (Actually, I would only be sad to miss the Grand Prix circuit, only because of that epic scene in “Iron Man 2”. But I can’t talk about it, because I’m still traumatized by “Avengers: Endgame”....)

4.5 Hours to 5 Hours - $108 (age 10 and up)

Tour the Town

Afterward, enjoy some free time to explore Hercule Harbor on your own.

On this adventure you will...

Take an approximately 45-minute drive along the scenic Corniche to Monaco.

Ride an escalator and elevator up the cliff and enjoy an approximately 45-minute guided walking tour that includes external visits of the Oceanographic Museum, the Prince's Palace (which has been the home of the royal family since the 13th century), and an internal visit of the Monaco Cathedral. Note: This tour includes approximately one mile of walking at a leisurely pace, part of which will be on cobblestones and/or uphill. Wear comfortable shoes. Note: Guests—including children—wishing to enter the cathedral must ensure that shoulders and knees remain covered. You can wear shorts that reach below the knee and tank tops as long as you bring a sweater or scarf to wrap around your shoulders. An inside visit may not be possible due to official ceremonies, weddings or funerals.

Next, board a little open-air tourist “train” for a 30-minute tour through Monte Carlo, and ride along the harbor and Grand Casino as well as on part of the Formula 1 Grand Prix circuit.

Reboard your coach for a 15-minute drive to the harbor to enjoy a refreshing beverage and approximately one hour of free time to explore on your own.

Drive back to Villefranche along the Middle Corniche.

Disclaimer: I (Gayle) am a travel agent with Authorized Disney Travel Planner agency - Off to Neverland Travel. Contact me today for a no-obligation quote!

Next up: Departure! (Day -1)