#the darkness isnt just grabbing him it doesnt have to hes already drowning in it

[kineticallyanywhere]

MOODY TEEN SPEEDPAINT PART 4: NORMAL song: High Hopes by Panic! at the Disco

look at this point I hear trumpets and snares and lyrics about aiming high when you're at rock bottom and what else am I supposed to do? what else. you get it.

DONE

[ Scary] [ Link ] [ Taylor ]

[yennefer-stark]

The time was night, the date was wednesday and it was cold and dark because the winter is approached. The lamps in the street gave to the road a dim-lit light as well as the sidewalk. She walked directly to the bridge, and no, she doesnt wanted to commit suicide, she just wanted to be alone, sang out her sadness in the night.

"Everyone got their soulmate... Tony got Pepper, Thor has Jane, Clint already had a family and two kid, Natasha and Bruce are a couple... Hell even Steve with Bucky"

She thought that and started to sing:

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart? 

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel...?

Her beautyful voice slowly closed, a knot grew in her throat as she started to sob, then cry. She felt nothing but darkness and being alone, while she was the heart of her team. The fact and happy memories didnt helped. But remembered when Steve laughed in the joke, remembered when Tony gave her a compliment about her progress, the training in the gym with Nat, sometimes with Bucky or Steve, even the archery competition with Clint. Her brain closed out those memories and forced her to not let inside. On the other hand... a tall, slim figure watched her. He has got long black hair, a pair of mesmerizing emerald green eyes, sharp features wich was particularly attractive, pale skin and mysterious aura. He hid in the shadow, just like he did in his childhood. He understood her pain, what's more, he felt the same. Being lonlely and left behind. To be honest, the girl would gave everything for a hug and being in a comfy place... Between someone's arm.

-Yes. I can feel it. Why are you here in those times? It's dark, dangerous and you dont know how many serial killer around you. You should go home.

-I dont think that two killer would've such a good talk like us.

Said the girl without looking back. She wasnt scared, she was still sad. The man, however was suprised from the answer.

-In fact, I'd be happy if you'd kill me right here.

-Why would I? I mean I'm not going to kill you.

-Then why are you here? Why dont you leave me alone? You know what? You're right... I'm going home and put on my "nothing happened me, i'm perfectly fine" mask.

Then without a single word, she vanished from the bridge back to the Avengers Tower, where ofc everyone was happy. Well, almost. While our girl was in her room, deep in her thoughts, the black haired man stormed through rooms, used the elevator until he found his brother. He knocked on the door, with a bit of nervousness. Soon, a tall, muscular, bearded blonde man opened the door. His face immediately light up btw. He loved his not so little brother.

-Where you've been Loki?

-None of your business brother.

-Then why are you energised? You always nap and brood in silence. Something has changed I can tell.

-Whatever. How can someone make a sad person happy?

-Someone wants make you happy, or you are the one who doesnt want to commit a crime?

-This time, the second one brother.

Loki quckly arranged his face before Thor could've figured out what caused the change in him. He really hoped that the girl told the truth to him, but doesnt thought that she's inside the Tower like he or everyone.

-Well... Kind words helps most of the time.

-Geez, she wanted to die, by my hands. BY MY HANDS! Shes even more depressed than me brother.

-How she looked out?

-Well, she was at my chest height, or at least i think, she sat on the ground, and i'm not a cat, I cant see in the dark... Btw she had dark hair, maybe brown or black, waist lenght, straight. Her voice was.... Truly beautyful, even when it broke and started to cry.

-Hmm... Looks like you met with Valr. Oh brother, if you really want to know her better, it might be a big bite for you. She only talks when someone ask something from her, and I've never seen or heard her laughing. Most of the time she is in the library, gym or in her room when she isnt on a mission, out here with us. But to be honest, it could be anyone. I wish you good luck, if you really saw Valr... She's a worthy warrior.

-One more question before Ieave. Does she used to attend at dinner?

Thor nodded as an answer for the question, then closed the door after Loki, who teleported to the library. He found it empity tho. But at the other hand, Valr successfully picked herself up from the floor and walked to the common kitchen. She sighed in relief, she was alone, but not for a long time. As the time passed, the table was ready for the dinner. A whole set of plates, forks and knifes with table napkins. As the clock hit 7:30pm, the rest of the team slowly started to attend here and fill the room with energy and happines... The first, and most hungriest person was Bucky, then Steve, after them Natasha and Bruce. Thor followed them with Loki who seemed distant from the others. Clint arrived before the two god. As usual, Tony didnt showed up.

-Ah, Lady Valr, take a seat and eath with us.

-Thanks Thor, but I'm not hungry. I already ate and now I'm full.

-At least, stay with us and drink Val'.

-This cant cause any problem I guess.

The god of mischief immediately looked at Valr from the corner of his eye, when she lied to Thor without batting an eye. He already liked her, and planned to give her leftover food. Somehow he felt what the girl felt. The hardness of keeping the mask on... He greeted as an old friend. Sadness, even depression? Those kind of feelings too, but he played along with Valr. After they finished the dinner Steve stayed in the kitchen with Bucky to do the dishes and everyone went to their room. Except Loki, who kept an eye on her and sneaked up some food for her. He knocked on the door.

-Yes? It's open.

-Thank god it's open, I brought food for you Lady Valr.

-Why? I said I'm not hungry.

But Loki just smirked under his nonexistent mustache and placed the plate on the table. He found her reaction rather funny...

-Honey, you can not lie to the god of mischief.

-Great. Thanks for the food, you can go away and leave me alone. I dont need anyone in my life.

-Really? Then why are you scared to get close and hate being alone?

-I said, you can go away and leave me alone. Are you deaf or what?

-Slow down Lady Valr, there isnt such a reason to behave so mean, but as you wish. I leave you alone now, but I'll keep an eye on you.

-This is what I missed... I dont need baby sitting.

-Have a goodnight, Lady Valr.

If she could have a good night, she'd have a dream, but the next day's morning she went on a mission with Bucky. So she woke up at 5am, streched a bit, then had her regular morning routine before grabbed the suitcase and went to the kitchen, where Bucky waited for her. The smell of coffe enchanted a smile to her lips. The man with the metal hand greeted with a nod, and offered her a cup of coffe. Luckily he knew how Valr likes the caffeined black-ish liquid.

-I cant believe you are in this mission, I know how much do you hate Russia.

-Yes, but you cant dance with Nat, and noone else can speak fluent russian beside me. Do you have that magic tho?

-Poof. It will last while we're close to each other. Maybe one mile... I didnt need to use this spell until then.

-Wow. You amaze me every time Valr.

-Now let's go, I'm sure Tony already booked a flight to Moscow...

They boarded the plane and sat in silence after they talked through the plan. Bucky, who could never escape fully from the past, started to analyze Valr, but it was hard, even for him.

-З-здравствуйте...меня зовут...Valr...

-The hell did you just said?

Bucky never heard Valr talking in Russian so perfectly. She said those words without any accent, and he almost answered in the same language.

-Just one of thies things I can say in Russian.

-Well, it was perfect, but let me talk in Russian. Not because I love it, but 70 years experience from missions is still experience... Oh god, I already miss him...

-If you show feelings towards him, we might be caught. Steve still wanted for the underground, secret organizations in Russia. I know, you're gay for him and he's bi, but we need to play that we're a couple.

As the days passed by, Valr and Bucky grew closer to each other, talked about how they got captured/kidnapped and used to achieve bad goals. Not that fact they were so distant from each other, but they were the two person out of the Avengers... who were the quietest. As the day approached, they practiced a little dancing. You need know that the thing they search for, can be found in a Ball, wich held and organised secretly by Hydra. Extremely evil, right? But they had allies in the shadows and under the sun... When the day has arrived, you could cut the nervousness in the air with butterknife. Now, Valr understood why Bucky doesnt like to take a walk at daytime, unless he did it with Steve, his safe-place.

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Untitled "little" story

Part one

I hope you liked it if you tripped over it...

@winterbuckytho @itsbuckyb1tch @i-smell-penniess

[creacherkeeper]

jemma + ptsd - an exploration

for nonny. this is halfway between a headcanons post and a fic so we’re gonna call it an ‘exploration’ and leave it at that. there was ....... a lot to cover so it ended up around 3k. yikes. goes from her childhood to just past where we’re at in the show now 

the first time jemma encounters ptsd is when she’s just a child. her grandfather was a young boy in london during WWII, during the rationing and the bombings. he does things now that confuse jemma. sometimes he zones out even when he’s the one talking, and he’ll get upset for no reason jemma can see. he’s even more scared of loud noises than she is, and sometimes it takes him days to get better from it. her parents call it ‘ptsd’, and they tell her it can happen after something traumatic, even if it was in the past. it doesn’t really clear anything up for her 

and then her mum gets into an accident. it’s dark and she doesn’t see the semi until she’s already in front of it, and her car almost flips when she gets knocked to the other side of the road. the car is totaled, but her mum is, miraculously, fine. sometimes at night she can hear her mum crying, and when she asks she’s told its because of the crash. her mum won’t get back in the car. they don’t call it anything, but jemma puts the pieces together all by herself 

jemma doesn’t understand. her mum and her grandfather are okay. something couldve happened, but it didnt, theyre fine. she doesnt understand why they spend so much time thinking about what couldve been 

she doesnt understand for a long time. not until after the chitauri virus. and then every time she looks out the window of the Bus, and sees the glittering ocean far beneath them, she feels like she’s going to be sick. briefly, the thought flits across her mind but--no, she’s not that bad off. she’s had a few nightmares, sure. nightmares of hitting the ocean and breaking all the bones in her body. nightmares of not jumping in time, and the plane falling from the sky with all her friends still in it. nightmares where she still has the virus, it’s still inside her, just waiting. she finds these things creeping into her thoughts even in the daytime 

but, really, she’s fine. she ignores it. she tells herself that everything is okay and there’s no use worrying over it anymore. she’s fine. eventually, the nightmares don’t come every night. she forces herself not to think about it all the time. she’s better 

and then there’s the pod. for the first nine days, she’s numb to it. none of it really settles in. she’s like a silent guardian beside fitz’s bed, leaving only when the others make her eat and shower. she even sleeps beside him, and when she does, she doesnt dream 

then he wakes up. and it hits her what could’ve happened. he’s alive. that’s what matters, he’s alive. but he almost wasn’t 

it’s the first time she excuses herself from his room, instead of being forced to leave. skye finds her in an empty room in the hospital, sobbing on the floor in the corner. part of her thinks that she just needs to pull herself together, that she shouldnt make skye have to deal with her this way. part of her just wants someone to tell her she did okay 

skye holds her for a long time. jemma is overwhelmed with the guilt of it all. she almost wasnt fast enough. she wasnt fast enough to get him to the surface without him being hurt in this way. she wasnt fast enough. she wasnt good enough. she’s never going to be good enough 

she doesn’t know why she’s telling skye all this, but skye just strokes her hair and says, “he’s alive. that’s all that matters.” 

jemma thinks she doesn’t understand 

it feels like there’s something wrong with her, physically. like she has a really bad chest cold all the time. and she’s always got this headache. the whole world feels distorted, off. but she can’t figure out why. she just needs more sleep, probably 

she’s hyperventilating, and she doesn’t know why. she’s wandered to the waiting room, and it’s 4am and there’s no one there. she feels like she cant get enough breath in her lungs, no matter how deep a breath she takes, but they’re coming quicker and quicker and she cant stop them 

may must’ve been looking for her, to find her there. she grabs her arm and says “simmons, you need to calm down” and jemma agrees, but she can’t. so may brings her in close and holds her as tight as she can manage, squeezing around her waist and her shoulders, and eventually the pressure all along her front is enough for jemma’s breath to even. she wants to collapse, but may holds her up, long after her breathing has gone back to normal 

jemma cries. she’s been doing that a lot lately 

“you almost died, simmons,” may says, after jemma apologizes. “there’s going to be after-effects.” 

“that’s not it,” jemma tells her 

“are you sure?” 

she’s not, but she doesn’t want to say that 

the more she thinks about it, the more it sinks in. how lucky it was that they had the supplies to blow the window open. how lucky it was that there was still oxygen in the tanks. how lucky it was that fury found them. how easily any of those things couldve slipped away, and they would both be dead 

she has the worst nightmare of her life that night. at first, everything happens as it did, but fury doesnt come to rescue them. jemma treads water until she cant any more, and the ocean takes both of them under. they sink back to the bottom, and they drown. but they dont die. its all just horrible pain, lungs full of water, and the haunting knowledge that they’re going to spend the rest of eternity at the bottom of the ocean, unable to move, unable to breathe. she knows this is her fault. if only she couldve kept treading water. eventually, fitz turns to her, and he says, “why did you let this happen?”. she wakes up in a cold sweat, and vomits as soon as she makes it to the toilet 

the next time she showers, she knows something’s changed. she can’t get under the spray. all she can feel is water in her lungs, the weight of the whole ocean pushing down on her. she’s not going to make it to the surface. she can’t swim forever 

eventually, it’s the guilt that chases her away. she can’t look him in the eyes knowing that she’d failed him. she can’t be around the rest of them knowing she’s not good enough. she says she just wants to help the cause by going undercover. but really, it’s a punishment. she knows it on some level. she wasn’t good enough, so she doesn’t get to stay 

she does some research on ptsd, though she refuses to call it that. she mentally checks off the boxes. nightmares, check. flashbacks, check. emotional instability, check. guilt? she doesn’t check it. it’s not the same. it’s not the same when she deserves it 

in her hydra apartment, she washes her hair in the sink. wipes down with wet wipes. she doesn’t touch the shower, not once 

and maybe she doesn’t eat how she’s supposed to, and she exercises too much, and she keeps to her schedule a little too rigidly. but these are all things she can control, so she will 

but in a way, it’s easier. avoiding everything 

it’s hard, once she’s back on base. she feels so fragile, like the slightest touch could crumble her whole foundation. it’s harder to avoid all the reminders, once she’s back. and she doesn’t want to avoid fitz, but some days she just can’t face him 

if she’s just ... hypervigilant, nothing can surprise her, right? she’ll be in control, in a way that she feels like she never really is anymore 

so she watches ward every day in his cell. she watches her team. and when daisy gets put in quarantine, she does everything she can to make sure she’s okay and safe because she just has to be. she has to be okay. jemma isn’t going to fail them again 

she just needs control. control over her own damn life. over her own damn body, over her feelings, her memories. but she cant control any of it. but she tries 

and then she gets spirited away to a different planet. and she loses all of it 

the memories of the pod dont haunt her when all she’s doing is trying to survive. suddenly water isnt something she needs to avoid, but an absolute necessity. her whole world revolves around trying to get to it, not avoid it 

the pond doesnt even remind her of the ocean. it doesn’t remind her when she fell into it, it doesnt remind her when she swam up from its depths. its just a pond. and it’s all she ever wanted 

and then the alien creature wraps an arm around her leg and pulls her under. she kills it, but the memory is there all the same. that night, she dreams of treading water. at first, ward is there, the parachute floating behind them. then she turns around and fitz is in her arms. she still kicks her legs, desperately trying to stay afloat. when she blinks he’s gone. then something grabs her, and she’s being pulled under again. she doesn’t have the energy to fight it. she wakes up just before she drowns 

dr. garner talks about trauma, and coping, and all the stuff that she doesn’t want to hear, once she’s back. she’s alive, she’s fine now, and that’s what should matter, shouldn’t it? she shouldn’t be struggling this much. and really, if she thinks about it, is she even struggling at all? she’s just playing it all up. or people are making a big deal out of nothing, or. or she’s fine, really, she is. so she has nightmares. who doesn’t? so she has panic attacks. so she can barely sleep and she barely eats and she snaps when she doesn’t mean to. so she gets upset at everything. she took a shower. she took a shower, and that means she’s fine. that means there’s nothing wrong 

the water is her litmus test. some days she can do it, and some she can’t. but some days she can, and that must mean everything is okay. it must mean she’s fine 

the others fuss over her. she lets them, because it makes them feel better. because the contact reminds her that she’s real. she forgets, sometimes. that she’s real, that she’s alive. that she’s not alone. 

she spends time alone, because everyone is busy with other things and it’s inevitable. she doesn’t really process anything, during these times. sometimes she finds herself talking. to herself, maybe. to other people. she can barely even remember what she says, but she still talks. may catches her at it once, but she doesn’t say anything. she just sits with jemma, both of them pressed together on jemma’s small bed. daisy visits whenever she can. and bobbi, and hunter. when she gets lonely, she sits in coulson’s office. sometimes they talk, and sometimes they don’t 

dr. garner says she needs to talk about it. needs to talk about everything that’s happened in the last few years. she knows if she bottles it up anymore she’s going to pop, but maybe she deserves to. at least it would stop hurting 

she talks to fitz, because he deserves to know. fitz, who’s still so good to her, even after everything that’s happened between them. fitz, who would never let her down, not like she’d let him down 

when hydra has them both, she begs him to just let them kill her. it really would be for the best. she can’t let anyone down if she’s not around anymore 

it doesnt really hit her until later how much she was actually hurt by giyera and ward. the adrenaline had kept the worst of the pain away, but once it wears off she realizes how much damage they’ve actually done 

she tries to hide it. somehow she feels like this is just another way she’ll let people down, another way she’ll be a burden. she knows it wasnt her fault, but ... it will be her fault if she lets it affect other people. so she hides. she says she’s fine. she tells herself that she’s in control, that she’s not going to let this affect her 

maybe she deserves the pain. she let lash out, after all. and look what happened 

but fitz was there. he knows what happened. he knows how bad it was. he tells her that its okay for her to not be okay. he says that no one is expecting her to be okay. 

he tells her that she has to be honest about how bad it feels so she can move on 

it seems to shatter every carefully constructed wall she’d built around herself. because if she’s being honest, she hasn’t been being honest with herself. not for a long time. she’s been compartmentalizing and locking everything away and putting up barricades and doing anything and everything so she didn’t have to feel. so she didn’t have to let other people see her feel, so afraid to mar them with her trauma

she tells fitz late one night, when they’re both still up far past when they should be, “i don’t know how to be not okay.” 

“if you break,” he says, “we’ll pick up the pieces together.” 

she breaks 

and it helps 

it feels like something has been lifted from her that she’s been carrying for longer than she knew. there’s been a certain kind of fear she’s held to her chest since she jumped out of the Bus all that time ago, but this feels different than that. older. deeper. it feels like she’s letting someone see her for the first time. letting someone touch her for the first time. (of course it would be fitz. she wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.) 

she talks to daisy about it. about everything. and daisy holds her hand and tells her that she’s always going to love her, no matter what sort of baggage she’s carrying. she talks to bobbi. she talks to may, and coulson. she shares a beer with hunter, and they don’t talk, but she feels like he understands anyway 

she does more research on ptsd. and she starts calling it that (in her head, at least). it feels better, having a word for it. understanding where the feelings come from. 

she still has her triggers. but when they happen she doesn’t just try to ignore them. she recognizes that it isn’t her brain working against her--it’s really just trying to help. it sees danger and tries to protect her, except what it thinks is ‘danger’ and what is actually dangerous aren’t the same thing. thinking about it like a nervous shadow helps her. it’s a part of her, but she doesn’t have to panic just because it does. she works to soothe it instead, thanking it for warning her, and explaining why the situation is under control. it helps, and what it doesn’t help, the meds do. together she has it mostly under control 

she still has nightmares, sometimes. she doesn’t think those are ever going to go away. sometimes intrusive memories interrupt her day, and she can’t seem to make them go away. but there’s fitz to hold her at night, and there’s may to do tai chi with her and go to the shooting range with her. coulson is always there if she needs to talk. she misses daisy terribly, but then daisy comes back, and things seem okay again. she really has things under control 

then the LMDs happen. the one that looks like fitz attacks her. and before she can process it, she’s in the framework 

clawing her way out of the grave feels too much like clawing her way up from the bottom of the ocean. there’s dirt in her mouth instead of water but there’s the choking feeling nonetheless 

and then fitz shoots that woman 

and then he shoots her 

and then ophelia is dead and things should be okay. they go out to eat, because that’s what families do. and theyre a family. and then theyre being whisked away again and before they have time to blink theyre in space, in exile somewhere far away from planet earth 

(it’s different from maveth. she’s closer to the stars than ever before, now. no solid ground beneath her feet)  

at least it gives her time to think. she can feel herself slipping back into an old mindset. a ‘things turned out okay, everyone is safe, it shouldnt be affecting me’ kind of mindset 

but she knows from experience that it’s not true. she knows that she needs to deal with this 

she finds fitz. he’s been avoiding her, avoiding all of them. she knows where he’s coming from, because she once did the same exact thing. but she’s not going to let him make the same mistakes 

she walks into his room one day, after a dinner where he sat by himself at the other end of the mess hall. she walks into his room and she sees his face and her mind flashes back to being stabbed, being hit over the head, being shot in the leg, and it says, danger! danger! and she says back, it’s fitz. it’s fitz and he’s not going to hurt me. her mind listens, but she still sits at the foot of the bed instead of next to him. she doesn’t take his hand. but she looks at him, and she says 

“you have to be honest about how bad it feels, so you can move on” 

he cries. they both do. they cry and they break and they let each other see, and it’s messy but jemma refuses to let all of this turn into untouched baggage. she refuses to not call it by its name--trauma. she refuses to let it rest. she refuses to not deal with it 

she’s learned too much for that 

never again