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#the expectations were low and they weren't met how can a group of people suck SO BAD
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gotta love how christians on tumblr will see us being like 'I would fight god in a parking lot' 'christianity ruined my life' '*extensive post about all the ways the church traumatized you*' and think 'wow surely these people seem like people who would love to hear about christ. it really seems like if i say "god loves you" or, worse, if i offend them and tell them to repent they WILL convert'. like, my guy, what's not clicking here.
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klysanderelias · 3 years
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uhhhhh yeah
realized this morning I'm not afraid of rejection or anything like that, I'm terrified of being trapped. Like I've been trapped for the last five years. Like I'm trapped, right now, in an apartment I hate 35 miles away from my job but my lease isn't up for another 4 and a half months. Like I've been trapped in this goddamn town for what, 12 years now?
It is genuinely terrifying to me to even start video games now because if I start hyperfixating on something, I can't stop. I literally, emphatically, do not get to stop. That's something I learned the hard way with Wasteland 3. I spent like a solid month in a depressive slump because I refused to play it and my brain just wouldn't pick anything else up until I finally ran out my interest. And sometimes, I'm scared to start a game (Sekiro, especially) because I have high expectations and what if it sucks? Even if I just start it and stop again a few hours later, what if I spent all that money and hype just to be disappointed? Isn't it just easier to eye it sadly in my steam library and never play it because then I can still pretend?
Or like, right now I've got this idea for a ttrpg game that I'd LOVE to run, that I've been super hyped about, and I just can't get myself to risk trying to put together a new group because what if it SUCKS? The last two groups I was in were capital-T-Terrible, to the point that I started dreading every session because at BEST it was a waste of my time and at worst I'd have to mediate fights or actively sabotage my own enjoyment of the game to help someone else. And now I just... I don't know if I even want to try because it feels like what I want to have happen (which seems like it OUGHT to be a really low bar) is unrealistic. The last thing I want to do is put a huge amount of time and energy into making something that a bunch of strangers will immediately shit all over; there's a lot of ttrpg players who are thoughtful and kind and excited to actually participate in games but it feels like most of the ones I've met are just jerk-offs looking for a serotonin burst from seeing big numbers. Like, I have literally played year long games with people who complained the entire time because they weren't enough of a special boy, no matter how hard I tried to accommodate their requests. I'm not gonna go into detail here.
I guess I really don't have a point here (as if I ever do), I just had that good ol' Therapy realization and I was like, huh. fuck.
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