#the fact that that post got blown so out of proportion is insane to me

[praetorqueenreyna]

I disagree with your take on men not being able to experience SA (even if Ianthe is a stupid character and its alarming that SJM only seems to villianize her female characters committing SA) but there's something to say about a group of people coming after you for saying men don't experience SA in the most unserious way possible when that group of people also unseriously support and romanticise the SA scene with Fey/sand.

its ACOTAR, a fandom rife with horrible SA takes and depictions but they can somehow set that aside to stan the whole entire series and all of its demeaning themes and characterizations. Its also not lost on me that this went from "you're not putting wlw ships in a survey" to a whole research session on your opponent to discredit the fact that they did do the survey twice and it was for petty reasons.

Once again I wish you hadn't worded your take on men and SA like that, but hey it's your space and we do curate our online experiences. If that person knew beforehand that you posted things like that, why do the survey? If they had to search your blog after the survey argument to put a weight on your general character to take away from the original argument? Still backhanded, still not very "curating your online experience". We're all 30+ years old on a website that is very unserious and has supporters of incest of all things. I'd like to think half the things we are into or say here are unseriously said/or not said at all out in our regular everyday lives.

SO I will fully admit that that post was poorly worded. It was a casual post that was never supposed to get any traction, just something to throw my opinion into the ether. Not a serious analysis of how SJM expresses power dynamics and sexual assault. Part of why it's so confusing is that I literally got bored halfway through the tags and just stopped writing things.

Of course men can experience sexual assault from women, regardless of anybody's sexuality or attractiveness. My point was that women in power do not systemically abuse men in the way that men do women. I'm tired of lukewarm liberal feminists (such as SJM) trying to make some point about how the true victims of patriarchy are men. And that online warriors like the people throwing a fit about this do literally nothing to help sexual assault victims of ANY gender, and think that attacking some random person over a random post counts as social action.

But I totally agree with you! SJM seems perfectly happy to show over and over again these villainous powerful women who are somehow skeevy enough to offput the horniest men in world, but are conventionally attractive and don't really do much other than aggressively throw themselves at men. Which ALSO was a point of confusion: that post was not about Ianthe and Lucien. Obviously Lucien doesn't want to have sex with Ianthe bc he's gay. It was about how Rhysand, Cassian, and Azriel are all written as these shallow horndogs who bang everything with tits, but are somehow genre savvy enough to know that Ianthe is a Bad Female Character and are disgusted by her. It's not cohesive, it's just a way for SJM to villainize a caricature of a person and make her male characters (who btw are WAY more sexually violent than Ianthe has ever been) seem like good characters.

But again, this kind of bad faith interpretation and virtue signalling has nothing to do with real victims of anything. Because if it did, they would have had an actual conversation with me, rather than putting words in my mouth over what I did and didn't say. Quite frankly, they're mad that I'm a Tamlin fan, and so they're trying to tear me down however they can. Like you said, first it was "well she's lesbophobic bc there are no wlw ships on the survey." Then when I made my point about how the people who complain about that do NOTHING to actually contribute wlw content to fandom, it shifts to me doing something else. If I kept up the conversation and tried to defend myself, I would be accused of some other crime.

ANYWAY this is exactly the kind of conversation I do enjoy having, so I do appreciate this ask! It is so important to cultivate your fandom experience and try not to take this stuff so seriously, especially for a series as poorly conceived as ACOTAR. Not all of my posts have been winners, but the actual content of those posts doesn't matter. Because I like Tamlin, I'm always going to be a criminal of SOME kind to these people.

I fully admit I should have just deleted the original ask because it was not sent to open a real dialogue. It's a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again, but maybe someday it'll stick!

[clarkonomics]

I personally am so sick of seeing Caitlin around people with all these controversies like Jada and obviously Connor but like I didn't even know Caitlin's own brother Colin is literally just as racist as those other two. Like she just casually hangs out with Jack who literally killed someone. So I don't want to stop supporting Caitlin but I do have that mindset of „when you're surrounded with bad people you're just as complicit as they are" yk? and I don't know what to think of all this even though I know the beliefs that they share are probably not similar to Caitlin's and still I'm feeling kinda hurt over all of this. If you're comfortable with it can you please tell me what you think of this?

i’m going to be full completely honest, it pisses me off too.

i don’t really want to comment on jada because everyone knows how i feel about her, as she’s just… kind of stupid. but i mean that in the nicest way possible! now, i absolutely despise jack and the fact that he got off for murdering someone is insane and i think that is probably the one thing that sets me off most. like fuck jada, and fuck connor, but jack… yeah i hate hate HATE that caitlin surrounds herself with him.

i agree with the “you are who you hang out with” to a certain extent. if you allow that kind of stuff around you, of course you’re viewed as a little iffy because why would you let that around you, if you didn’t somewhat “agree”? BUT i do think it’s more common than we’d like to admit for people to stay friends with people they don’t share ideologies with, ESPECIALLY if those ideologies don’t affect them. with that being said, it is very blissfully ignorant, and of course, a little messed up to do that. HOWEVER, for some, it really is a foreign concept to stop being friends with people just because you disagree.

as a lesbian black woman, i couldn’t imagine being friends with people that have completely different ideologies from me, and i have even stopped being friends with people who have different ideologies from me, simply because those ideologies tend to contradict everything i am. that mindset is not the same for everyone else, as much as i wish it was.

now here’s probably the only place where we differ. i believe colin’s liked tweet was blown a little out of proportion. it’s unfortunate that the meme had the n word in it, because i feel that’s the part everyone is zoning in on, because had the n word not been in that post, i doubt it would be as big of a deal. but since it does have the n word in it, i get why it’s perceived the way it is.

it’s totally okay and completely normal to feel uncomfortable or hurt by the situations since i think everyone is bothered by it. to be honest, it irks me more and more each day, and every time i think about it.

if caitlin were to ever finally rid of these people around her, i hope she will realize just how bad it is to surround yourself with people that you don’t agree with, or to put it simply, bad people. whether you’re a good person or not, it’s a reflection of who you are as a person of what you allow people to get away with around you.

[nanjokei]

ah... i'm the first anon and i'm neither op nor the person who sent you the second ask i wasn't trying to be rude, and i think the second anon was out of line. i just wanted to provoke some self-reflection, maybe, about what atmosphere you're bringing to the (very small and thus easily affected) fandom and how that makes other feels (since it felt like you might be sympathetic) and that's all.

yeah no you're good. the first ask was quite fine hence my original intention to reply to it normally. sorry for assuming that you're the other anon, but seeing them together kind of came off a certain way haha, so please give me that leeway. of course that's not really something anyone can control at the end of the day. also sorry for the late response, my health got poorly and i decided to just rest up (again, not gonna respond to anything unless i can give answers that somewhat satisfy me which isn't possible unless my mental faculties are in some kind of shape) (+my blog runs on a 2 posts per day queue so if a few posts came out that is not me.)

you're right about me being sympathetic— at the end of the day i am not here on this earth with the goal to hurt people or cause bad vibes or whatever. far from it really, but i also have to stick up for myself a bit and say this situation has been blown way out of proportion, from an anon informing the original poster that i commented on the existence of their post, honestly freakish behavior and very high school like who give a fuck, to a lot of things being assumed about me, to the most basic fact that i feel like is most important in this situation— i did not tag any of my commentary. i feel like your response here would make more sense if i had gone out of my way for people to see it. but i didn't do that. it was on my blog, and like i said before at the end of the day if there was no mishap, no one was going to see it but my followers. i will be mindful and remember to censor keywords if i'm being critical of specific things but i'm not gonna suddenly not talk about things, you know?

this website sucks. i get if the asks leaked into search because a few of them had keywords like "c*e" and whatnot... that's essentially on me? taking a good 80% of the blame for that. will probably censor it in the future if im being critical or something. i'm repeating what i said for emphasis. anyway, the whole "i'm gonna bang on about this one post" is not something i regularly do if at all, if you check my posts— if your view of me is still in good faith then thank you, but honestly, like i said before this has been blown out of proportion. i'm not really gonna cause some insane vibe change in the future because i did not have much intention to contribute in the first place or get involved... i am one person. ya'll have fun now...

[honeyed-beans]

hey I’ve never listened to TAZ, but lately I’ve gotten an insane urge to do so... is it ok if I start with this new one? Do I need the context of all others?

Is Travis a really bad DM???

Hi!

(I’m so sorry this answer came out very long because I went on a Graduation analysis so if it’s too much than scroll to the bottom!)

To start with the first q. You can absolutely start on Ethersea first if you want! The fun part about TAZ is that it’s a anthology series. And the McElroy don’t tend to spoil or make large connections to other campaigns. At most they might reference a character name as a joke, but they don’t tend to dwell on it. It’s only vague references at best. So I would always suggest picking up whichever season speaks the most to you aesthetics wise, and/or whichever one is currently running, cause tbh it’s always nice to see real-time reactions from fans if you want to be in fandom spaces. AHS rules essentially.

For example, I’ve really gotten into Taz this past year, but I have never finished TAZ Amnesty so it’s definitely dealers choice.

Taz Ethersea is kind of a unique scenario because they’re doing a new game system. So the first couple of episodes are just world building and explaining the new system. It gives you time to decide if you want to listen to it now or not, because despite the first ep coming out today, the real game doesn’t start for another 3 weeks or so. Dw you’re not missing much right now.

The brief, no spoilers, descriptions of each campaign:

- Balance = A comedic globetrotting adventure story, with modern elements on a fantasy world. Techno music, very tongue in cheek. It’s the longest one, so storywise it’s a bit of a slow burn as the McElroys find their style. But because of its length it gives more time for the characters to breathe and thus it’s sorta the iconic golden child of TAZ. Most people would rec this one but I know the commitment can be kinda big if your not feeling it. So if another season takes your fancy more than go for that one instead.

- Amnesty = small-town americana, cryptids, sorta scooby doo / monster of the week vibe. Very eerie southern music.

- Commitment (superheroes) / Dust (what if Halloween town had cowboys in it) = these I wouldn’t suggest for a first time listen because they were experimental short stories. With 4 episodes each. None are DMed by Griffin. But very fun in their own right.

- Graduation = Comedic, intrigue, fantasy, takes place in one location (a university), plays on the themes of growing up. Very soft, lighthearted, calming soundtrack with a lot of slow notes. This one is Travis as the DM.

- Ethersea = we don’t know anything about it yet. Post-apocalypse underwater season. Very dreamy water inspired music?

Ok so q2: Is Graduation Bad and is Travis a Bad DM?

Short answer? This campaign was polarising. There are some real critiques to be made on Travis’s style. But I think some aspects of critique have been blown out of proportion. In essence he wasn’t fully prepared to helm a show with a really demanding fan base that had high expectations. But I think Grad was good actually!

Longer answer:

Some people bring up stuff about his disabilities or how he acted outside of the show. I’m just viewing it from a objective stance of someone who listened to the episodes as they came out.

Trav has a tendency to have a lot of ideas he wants to show off and unfortunately tended to jump around a lot. So plot points that I personally may have wanted more time to explore got introduced and dropped a lot. Made worst by the fact that it’s a short season. If there’s not a lot of time to explore everything than weaker pacing becomes more evident. Moreover he wasn’t Griffin, and some people think Griffin can do no wrong and there is certainly favouritism for some fans.

BUT I loved it!! Definitely my favourite! It had a really engaging setting I was all over. And it had the strongest main cast out of all of them. Each main character had a good plot, with good progression, and most importantly they spent time developing a bind with eachother. Something that some of the campaigns don’t spend much time doing. They were a trio for a reason, not because events forced them to be. And it sucks that people are dismissing Grad so much because of it!

People got so upset it wasn’t living up to their expectations of Balance that they got hostile which made Grad likers hostile in return. On Twitter every post from the official page had comments begging them to end Grad immediately because it was shit and we deserved better?? So they tried to end it quickly to please these yelling fans and that only made a ending with more plot holes, and thus more complaining. There was a episode where Trav made a joke that a character handed them a chalice full of liquidised drugs at a party, and than the main cast decided to drink it. And the tag was just filled with people saying that Travis was encouraging drug taking to kids?????

At the end of the day Grad was still a fun comedy dnd podcast with lovable characters 🥰 I would suggest listening to it if it’s your cup of tea. As long as your aware that Trav is clumsier with pacing than Griff than you’re in for a pretty wild and very very ‘fun with little consequence’ campaign! Ironically most of these problems would be fixed if Graduation had more episodes lmao.

Tldr: Pick whichever one you like! TAZ is a anthology that doesn’t run into eachother so follow your heart! Technically Ethersea hasn’t started yet. I love Graduation a lot but Travis struggles to keep all his balls in the air so if that will annoy you a lot than I would understand leaving it for now. But I don’t think it’s as bad as some people make it out to be.

This was probably a lot of info to drop on you but if you want to clarify anything, or just chat don’t hesitate to send me a dm! TAZ is super fun and a nice way to occupy your time while your doing other tasks. I hope you enjoy it! ❤️

[0zzysaurus]

Hey, look. I don't know you well - and most of my friends are proship even though I think of myself as neutral, so I understand if you don't want to respond. But I do hope you are doing okay. Yesterday got blown out of proportion on both sides, though it just started out as someone trying to vent about the stress they'd experienced... but it turned personal, which sucks. But please don't leave the fandom! I don't agree with you, but that doesn't mean you should vanish. We should be able to talk!

Just replyin' under the cut!! There's nothin' mean down here, but I vented a lot. TLDR, I'm not doing great, but thanks for checking in.

My big issue is that it didn't start out as just venting on their part, it started with a huge, and I mean HUGE personal attack post aimed at me - and direct references to me, as well as directly talking at me (regardless of what they want to say, this post was aimed at me, and anyone who reads it can clearly see that). This is all from an account who has been in my DNI for quite some time and who I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO before. It was also a post utterly drenched in manipulative lies and false claims - all made very vague as to avoid accountability. Claims that I'm a bully, claims that I have encouraged harassment, claims that I have sent "violent images to minors" (which was literally an MS Paint doodle of Alonzo being turned into a smoothie, which the person I sent to have told me personally they found it funny and were not offended by it). None of it's true - they backed none of it up with any evidence, and they have pinned on their account for everyone to see. I wasn't not going to defend myself against it. The most I have ever done is.... Say I don't like proshippers and explain my reasoning in depth. And that warrented a goddamn NOVEL filled with personal attacks about how much of a horrible, unkind, immature, awful person I am. All because I firmly believe that fiction does affect reality, and child erotica is wrong. It's not bullying to be vocal about how disgusting I think it is. As much as the word harassment gets thrown about, I think it's fair to say yesterday was a very one-sided situation. Ultimately, I just want proshippers, anyone who I have in my DNI list, and people I have blocked to leave me alone and not continue to taunt me or make up wild, crazy shit about me. From what I hear tho, this isn't the first time this person has lied about people and gone on these ludicrous rants. The fact that they think this is some kind of wondrous victory drives me insane, too?? ike, they're treating it like some kind of holy war. A LOT of people are acting like they're being caught in the crossfire of some war. It's not. It's people with too much free time shitting on me for voicing my opinion - victimising themselves because I don't agree with their behaviour. Using toxic positivity to drown out how horrible they've just been. Honestly? I'm not doing too great. But it is what it is. I'm trying very hard to stay positive and not let them get me down. I suppose thanks for checking in on me, but I'm very on edge right now.

[thesoothingstorm]

Balan Wonderworld, The Most Overhated game in recent history.

With me purchasing the game Balan Wonderworld recently I’ve been thinking, is it just me or am I the only one who thinks Balan is a bit overhated? don’t get me wrong it isn’t perfect but I feel like the negativity is blown extremely out of proportion, so much so that while browsing YouTube I came across a video’s thumbnail that claimed Balan is quote “The Worst Game Of The Decade”, which in my opinion is downright insane, granted the decade has barley started but still I personally think Balan isn’t that bad of a game, with me being I’d say 80% complete with it I’m gonna try and explain why I (somewhat) like it, 

1. The visual design is out of this world, seriously this looks like it was ripped straight from a Pixar movie and I love it, not to mention it’s very reminiscent of the 1996 SEGA Saturn classic NiGHTS Into Dreams, and the general esthetics the game offers is quite enjoyable, my favorite Chapters being Chapter 2, being based off Water, Chapter 9 which is based on a theme park, and Chapter 8, my favorite out of the 3 mainly due to it’s Ice theme’s (also maybe cause Winter is my favorite weather), so yeah the visual design of Balan extremely charming and likeable,

2. It’s got a really good soundtrack, My personal favorites being the songs “Balan’s Bout” and “Hurray!”, when I first Hurray! in the trailer for Balan back in 2020 It made me exited beyond all belief, those are the my favorite songs among the OST, I recommend you listen to them cause there just that good,

3. and when It comes to the gameplay I personally have enjoyed it so far, while I would have like to have more than just 1 button for everything it hardly impacts my enjoyment of Wonderworld as a whole, the costumes are genuinely fun to use, and when it comes to costumes while I’d say only a few are reused (which yes is a downside) I’d say most of them bring there own special ability to the table and aside from the Box Fox (which imo is just a shitty version of the Blue Cube from Sonic Colors) I’d say most of the costumes are really fun to use, my seven favorites are The Frost Fairy, it lets you ascend in the air for a couple seconds, The Pumpkin Puncher, it lets you punch 3 times in quick succession (and lets you dress up as a pumpkin lol), Aero Acrobat, it lets you hone in on enemies and certain targets, and if the targets are in a line you can reach a secret area! Laser Launcher, it lets you shoot 3 lasers at once, its fun to use especially when you’ve got a lot of enemies surrounding you, Jumping Jack, it lets you hover in the air and lets you float a great distance, Hardy Hammer, you dress up as to what looks like an Ice Monster with mallets for hands and lets you go to town on the enemies with you’re Mallet Hands! and my final one being Sickle Slinger, it dresses you up as to what appears to be a mantis and lets you shoot 3 projectiles, the first one shoots right, the second one shoots left, and the final one is a combination of the 2,

so yeah this was my post on why I personally enjoyed Balan Wonderworld, (keep in mind I’m not trying to make Balan seem like a perfect game, a few examples of Balan's issues are it’s one button gameplay, the fact it possibly plagiarized a Ghost Busters Song, and that the final boss could possibly give you a fucking seizure) but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t enjoyed this game, and I personally think that the vitriol for this game is mostly unwarranted, hopefully it isn’t just me who likes this game lol.

[bulldagger-bait]

Sometimes I really hate the fact I was born female.

I hate that fact that men don't take me seriously.

I hate that I'm seen as a harpy whenever I show slight passion about a topic.

I hate that I was raised in a school where the boys thought I was insane for being a feminist. Where boys took pictures of me after saying "women only belong in two places, the kitchen and the bedroom", and then posting them all over social media calling me the "angry man hating lesbian feminist". I hate that a boy negged me on in chemistry class, sexually harassed me, and then when I lost it at him my chemistry teacher told me to calm down, that I was overreacting. I hate that when i told him to fuck off, and got sent to the deputy principal to explain myself. Me. Not him. Not the boy who was harrassing me, or the teacher that allowed it in his classroom.

I hate that when I told my dad a boy had been sexually harassing me, he went behind my back, contacted his parents and my school administration. I hate that I was then called into my deputy principals office and told that this had all "been blown out of proportion" and that I was being unreasonable. But it wasn't unreasonable for that boy to say he couldnt wait until I was 18 to get me drunk and high so he could have sex with me. When I was an out lesbian.

I hate that one of my friends was raped by a boy in our school. I hate that when she told the school they didn't believe her. I hate that they made her continue to share classes with him. I hate that she was threatened with suspension for spreading lies about "such a serious topic" and that he was able to keep harassing her on school grounds, unchecked.

I hate that one of my friends thought it was okay to threaten to rape me in front of my entire social group as a joke. And then I was seen as a hysterical bitch for telling my most trusted teacher. She actually did something about the situation. I was then ostracised from that group of friends. I "couldnt take a joke" apparently.

I hate that when I was nine years old I was riding my bike around my neighbourhood, and a boy five years my senior cornered me in an alleyway and tried to rape me not twenty meters away from my front door.

I hate that when I was younger a boy would hit me, scratch me, pull my hair, twist my arm, dig his grubby little fingers into my pressure points, making me cry out with pain, only to be told it was because he liked me. I hate that I believed it. I hate that I let it continue for two years. For two years my "best friend" covered me in bruises, and I let him because it made me feel pretty and wanted. I was ten.

I hate that when I was fourteen and desperate to convince myself I wasn't gay, a boy who i thought was my friend tried to pressure me into dating him only to then tell me about his porn addiction—his words, not mine—and call me an insensitive cunt for getting as far away from him as possible. After he told me about the things he'd like to do to me. Not with me. To me. As fourteen year olds. As children.

I hate that I was forced into pink and shaved legs and make up and long hair.

I hate that my mother made me cut up boxer shorts I had bought because I was sick and tired of wearing panties. Because some guy had made some comment about my grammy-panties. Never mind the fact that they were comfortable. I bought boxers because they were closer to shorts and I thought boys would just leave me alone. I bought boxers because they were cool and had superheroes on them and were comfortable. I bought boxers because I was sick and tired of the neon pink panties my mother had been making me wear for my entire life.

I hate that I wore pigtails to school and a boy called them "ride-me handle-bars".

I hate that when I cut my hair off the first thing people assumed I was, was a man. As if its that easy to take my womanhood away from me. As if all that makes a woman is long hair. I hate that I was called "skank who was trying to hard" when I had long hair, an "art hoe" when I had short hair, and a "dyke", "failed woman", "wannabe man" when it was cropped.

I hate that at 8 years old I was being bullied for being ugly. Because I had unkempt eyebrows. Unshaven legs. Tangled hair. Sweaty skin. Scraped knees. A crooked smile. Because I wasn't a child model. Because I wasn't some pedophiles wet dream.

I hate that I'm considered incompetent for certain jobs because of my menstrual cycle. Because women are too over emotional when they're "pms-ing" or "on the rag"

I hate that a man's go to insult for me is "cunt". Something that dehumanises me to my genitals. How silly of me to think I was anything more than just a hole for someone to fuck.

I hate that someone took advantage of my sexuality. Because I was repressed. Because I was a woman who grew up in a christian environment. Because I was a lesbian who was still convinced I could be straight. Because there was a pretty woman who knew she could manipulate me. I hate how there are people who still think its my fault, or that lesbian sex isnt even real so how could I be raped? Or that women can't rape. I hate that I had been convinced that what happened to me was normal. Because women are frigid bitches that don't want sex, but their partners do, and its "inhumane" to not put out.

I hate that I am paid less. And that people don't believe women arent paid less. Despite the fact that their is mountains of evidence to support our argument.

I hate that I had to do twice the work to get half the recognition in school.

I hate that a boy with no experience and no drive was seen as a more suitable leader than I was. Because I was a "controlling bitch". I hate that I did an incredible amount of work on the student council and he got to take the credit for it. I hate that he was a worse student but was seen as more acedemically gifted than I was.

I hate the double standards.

I hate how every part of my body is sexualised. I hate how my disability is sexualised.

I hate how when I mentioned my chronic pain condition to my male classmates, they made comments about how I would make a fantastic masochist. I hate that I internalised it. I hate that I believed them. I hate that when I got into a sexual relationship I let her hurt me—even though i didn't like it—because I throught kinky sex was the bare minimum and "vanilla" was for frigid prudes.

I hate that my body is not mine, but rather belongs to the public. For the government to legislate. For strangers to ogle at. For my father to control. And when I speak up I'm an unreasonable bitch. When I demand agency, I'm insane.

I hate how the odds were stacked against me since birth all because of that second x chromosome. All because some doctor said "its a girl" and immediately half of my opportunities were removed because they "weren't for girls".

I hate that in order to keep a job I am supposed to adhere to femininity. That not wearing make up is seen as lazy and unhygienic. That I need to "fix my eyebrows". That I need to shave my "gross gorilla legs".

I hate all this bullshit bagage that comes with being female. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I am my own voyeur. I hate that even in my most private moments I am focused on how an unseen gaze would percieve me.

I hate that the slightest devience from "purity" will be met with threats of violence. That if someone doesnt agree with my politics I can be told to "choke on a dick" and to "kill myself" and whoever said that is safe in the knowledge that their community supports their words and actions. That if I step a toe out of line or make a mistake I deserve the full force of misogyny that people have been waiting to dole out to an appropriate victim.

I hate that my own father sexualised me. I hate that he abused me. I hate that he got away with it all because "teen girls make up that kind of stuff for attention". Because he was an "upstanding man". I hate that believes he is guiltless. I hate that he has manipulated and gaslighted me into believing his version of events. I hate that when I speak up I need to be careful because "he's a good man" and "he doesnt seem like the kind to do that" and that "you're blowing things out of proportion, I'm sure it was never like that."

I hate that when women accuse men of violence its "he said, she said". But when men accuse women of the same they are instantly believed. I hate that my voice holds less weight than a man's.

I hate that the religion I was raised in told me not to speak in church. Not to ask questions. To submit to men. To cover my head before god. That braided hair was sinful and vain.

I hate that I was taught there was no such thing as a female orgasm in order to discourage me from having sex. That I was told sex would be painful. And yet I was also told that when I married a man I should freely give him sex because it was my duty to serve him and bear children.

I hate that I'm seen as a baby factory.

I hate that I'm seen as a collection of body parts. A uterus. A pair of tits. A vagina.

I'm not those things. I am made up of those things, but they do not define my worth. I am made of carbon, but you wouldn't call me "an arrangement of carbon atoms" or "a carbon storage system" or "a carbon factory"

I hate that when I talk about my experience with womanhood I need to twist myself into knots to not step on any toes or offend. I hate that I have to be palatable when I am upset and enraged.

I hate that my anger is demonised and sexualised.

I hate that my love is fetished by heterosexual men. I hate that they see lesbianism as this empty thing to get off to.

I hate that I don't feel safe holding my girlfriend's hand in public. I love her more than anything in the world and my skin burns when I don't get to touch her. I hate that sometimes I get scared and call her my "friend". Not girlfriend. I hate that in public I feel ashamed to love her.

I hate it that my homosexuality is debated. I hate that it is seen as disgusting.

I hate that I have been taught and socialised that every single part of who I am is fundamentally flawed in some way.

And yet, despite all this, there are days where I am grateful for who I am. There are days when this body is not my enemy. There are days when I love my womanhood, however that may appear. There are days when I am unbothered by the thoughts of others. There are days where I am unafraid to love who I love and to love proudly.

There are days where the pain and anger of the past drive me to be happy.

I know those days won't last. They never do. There's always a slur, or a misogynist, or an abuser, or a traumatic memory. There's always a right being infringed upon, or an aspect of my body made public property, and it takes me right back to the anger.

I could never stop being angry. There is too much pain in this body to forgive and forget.

But sometimes, I don't hate the fact that I was born female. Some days I'm proud.

[zerochanges]

Valentine’s Chocolates and Glass Masks

The romance genre in anime is a little weird, and honestly on the whole the majority of the genre in anime is probably a bit too slow for its own good. “Will they or won’t they” is something most romantic fiction is guilty of, but I think you’d be hard press to come across 150 episode TV series dedicated solely to that premise anywhere else. And this has nothing on the pure silliness that can come with the genre; hand holding, indirect kisses, masked secret admirers, all that good stuff. Really, I’m not here to trash talk romantic anime though, but as I sat down and tried to think about writing a Valentine's Day blog post I just couldn't help but think to myself how romance anime might be the hardest to explain to anyone not in the fandom. I mean, I think I’d have an easier time explaining the plot of any given saga in DBZ than I would explaining “Notice me, senpai” to somebody.

You know what though, I kind of ironically enjoy all of this. Yeah, pure romance anime can be cheesy, but it’s just the right amount cheese that it’s like, c’mon, how can you not enjoy this? Perhaps the worst (or best!) offender of this are older shoujo titles where they can seem almost downright like a soap opera at times. Shows like these are just so full of bizarre, off-the-walls, and over-the-top melodrama that they manage to suck me completely in. They’re heartbreaking, they’re engaging, and the times when they fail at being those things they are hilarious. 

My most recent experience with an older shoujo title like this would have to be studio Eiken’s 1984 adaptation of Glass Mask. Now Glass Mask (or Glass no Kamen as it is known by some) is a manga that started life in 1976 and to this day has yet to be finished, with the manga creator Suzue Miuchi stating she would like to finish it soon, but hasn't quite figured out when that will be (move over Hunter x Hunter fans). Having been one of the earlier shoujo titles starting back in the mid-70’s the series is full to the brim with pretty much every cliche and trope you can think of for shoujo anime, and to a modern audience it can often be almost hilarious at times to sit through. It is important to remember that for its time Glass Mask was a trend-setter and arguably if not the creator than certainly the reason why a lot of these cliches became cliches in the first place. Over the years Glass Mask has received its fair share of adaptations and even parodies, and currently has 3 different animes as well as a live action drama series and real life stage plays based on it. I heard the most recent anime, the 2005 TMS adaptation of Glass Mask, does a pretty great job at modernizing several aspects of the series, but unfortunately I have yet to watch that to weigh in so all I can say is that I was inundated with more cliches than I could count and laughed a ton while watching the 1984 series and I loved every minute of it. 

Glass Mask is the story of a young 13 year old girl Maya Kitajima, who has a dream to be a great theatre actress. Unfortunately for Maya she’s from a very poor family, and even more unfortunately for her, she is incredibly average looking with no flair--and don’t worry, the anime will remind you of that fact countless times every episode. Despite her damnable curse of “just looking kind of average” Maya will stop at nothing to pursue her dream and eventually runs away from home after getting a scholarship for an acting school. There, the enigmatic Chigusa Tsukikage notices Maya’s talents and takes her on as her protege. Soon, Maya learns that her mentor Tsukikage was once a legendary actress thought to be truly one of the all time greats who due to a tragic Phantom of the Opera style accident had her face hideously scarred and retreated out of the spotlight. 

Tsukikage is looking to pass on her talents to the future generation and eventually pass on her greatest possession, the rights to the elusive Crimson Goddess play--a supposed legendary masterpiece that has not been seen by anyone in decades; not since Tsukikage’s career ruining accident. For some reason the director and creator of the the Crimson Goddess play saw it fit to beseech all the rights to his masterpiece to Tsukikage and thus nobody else has been able to produce this elusive phantom play since. It won’t be easy for Maya and the Tsukikage acting school, as media conglomerate and mega corporation Daito Entertainment will stop at nothing to get the rights to the Crimson Goddess, and isn't afraid to sabotage them at every step of the way. Perhaps Maya’s greatest rival however is the young Ayumi Himekawa, the daughter of an already famous actress who is said to be the favorite to inherit the Crimson Goddess role, and is everything Maya isn't; beautiful, rich, famous and well loved by all, and while not a student of Tsukikage she is more than willing to pass on the rights to Himekawa if Maya fails to prove herself.

It’s easy to already see the cheesiness just from me trying my best to summarize the basic plot, and we haven’t even gotten into the romances yet. Maya’s relationship with the young Yu Sakurakoji is fairly simple at first, as he helped rescue her from a feral dog and despite being in rival acting schools--one affiliated under Daito no less, he’s a pretty chill guy that enjoys spending time with her and doesn't care about all that stuff. It’s only after Maya starts to take off in her career that Sakurakoji starts to spiral into this insane inferiority complex centered around her, where he thinks she has become too good an actress for him to be around anymore and starts to give her the cold shoulder all because of his own make-believe shortcomings. It’s very odd and sudden, and the entire thing is blown out of proportions as Maya clearly does not think that and Sakurakoji eventually has to be lectured by bad boy Masumi of all people to come around and start spending time with Maya again. Even after this however it isn't like the old days anymore and the gap that was created from his own complex still lingers.

And oh boy, don’t get me started on Masumi, he’s quite the character. Masumi Hayami is the 24 year old son of the president of Daito Entertainment and is currently running the corporation in his father’s stead. Masumi serves as both an antagonist and love interest (because of course he can be both) in the early parts of the story and is often behind some (but not all) the sabotage done to Tsukikage’s acting school. Masumi will eventually take a more reasonable approach when it comes to trying to yank the rights of the Crimson Goddess away from Tsukikage’s hands as the anime progresses, often just by having his acting school beating Tsukikage’s students in contest and the like, and it’s here where we usually see Masumi’s employees that work under him being the more underhanded characters instead of Masumi directly engaging in the conflict.

Despite being on different sides, so to speak, Masumi catches one of Maya’s earliest performances, her role as Beth in Little Women, and falls in love with the young girl, impressed by both her potential as an actress and her fortitude for going on with the show despite suffering from a dangerously high fever and immediately being rushed to the doctors after the curtains fall. From this point on her takes the role of “Mr Purple Rose” named for the bouquet of purple roses he sends to her at every show. As her secret admirer and the first fan Maya has ever had he means a lot to her yet as his true identity of Masumi he’s an enemy that Maya cannot stand to breathe the same air as. So in short, Masumi is just your average 24 year old CEO of a mega corporation crushing on a 13 year old girl from a small acting school he is trying to ruin and also her secret admirer. Somehow Masumi is one of the best characters in the series, and is my best boy. Only in shoujo!

So far I've been having some cheap laughs at the expense of the 1984 Glass Mask anime but it’s not all like this. The over-the-top bombardment of old school shoujo cliches and the laughs I got from them may be one of the most memorable component of my viewing but there’s actually a lot more to this anime than that. When you get beyond the silly age gap romances and the flowery melodrama of young teenage love, Glass Mask is a story of artists trying to pursue their passions and dedicating their everything to them. Maya may be cursed to forever be “only average looking” but I really respect her drive to dedicate her entire life to theatre. 

Well, that is to say, the times when she isn't acting like punching bag to the rest of the cast (Glass Mask has a tendency to make Maya into a Cinderella surrounded by tons of wicked stepsisters). When Maya is written not as a Cinderella she’s fiercely determined, and never backs down despite some straight-up abusive behavior she is put through. At times her mentor Tsukikage is absolutely savage, regularly beating Maya and putting her through some training that is definitely highly illegal, at least for today’s standards. For instance she once threw Maya in a shed and locked the door refusing to let her out until she finally understood her character she was assigned. Did I mention it was in the middle of the freezing cold winter and snowing out and Maya only had the clothes on her back for warmth? She was out there for days with no food, water, or even warmth. But don’t worry, she had her script to read and that made it all okay. Like goddamn, somebody call child protective services on this lady.

Speaking about “the art” and everyone’s passions, the more you watch the series the more it becomes obvious that the creator, Suzue Miuchi, really cares for theatre and isn't just using it as a vehicle to propel her own story. There are countless renditions of classic plays shown in Glass Mask, such as the mentioned already Little Women, The Miracle Worker, and Wuthering Heights, just to name a few. Some of these plays are presented without any changes while others may have reinterpretations made to them by the characters who are trying to give their roles a life of their own away from the original source material. Miuchi very much understands theatre and does a great job converting many famous plays into a more compressed and easily digestible form of entertainment that can be viewed on a week by week bases. The analysis characters give about the plays and other characters’ performances, the ways characters interpret their parts, and how the plays that we are privy to see in the series end up all show a deeper understanding of the medium. Watching Glass Mask is almost like taking a beginning course in theatre that covers all the classics, only with way more melodrama and over-the-top romance than you will find in your local theatre group. I hope.

What’s the most impressive however goes beyond just Miuchi’s renditions of other classic works and instead are her own plays that she creates herself. As not only does Glass Mask use pre-existing plays it also has its own original productions that will spring up in-between the real world plays. A lot of these self created plays are very enjoyable too, and some feel way more fleshed out than they have any right to be and you often find yourself regretting that you are only privy to a small part of the performance and not able to just sit there and watch the entire play like the characters in the anime do. Maybe that’s why it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that some of the plays Miuchi has created for her manga have later been adapted into real life plays in Japanese theatres. This is probably the greatest testament to the series’ popularity right there, where its own fictional works are turned real. I can’t think of many examples of something like that happening before.

I’d be remiss not to mention the visual aspect of this series before wrapping up my thoughts on it too. While certainly no powerhouse in animation, Glass Mask 1984 goes for a more picturesque route, and does a great job with tons of beautiful still shots and intricately detailed background images. It’s a humble production but with the right use of lighting a lot of scenes can really shine (pardon the terrible pun it was an accident), especially the night shots which can be pure art. Hang it in a museum, I say. I’m almost surprised we don’t see more “aesthetic” anime blogs mining images from this series. Veteran director Gisaburo Sugii (Dororo, Touch, Osamu Tezuka’s Phoenix) leads the production with skilled marksmanship you would expect from his previous (and future) pedigree, and along with legendary animator the late Shingo Araki (Ashita no Joe, Galaxy Express 999, Saint Seiya) the series has a wonderful 80’s flair to it that just fills any retro anime fan full of nostalgia whether or not they have seen the show before.

Studio Eiken’s 1984 Glass Mask adaptation is a short, briskly paced 22 episode series that is easy on the eyes and not hard at all to still sit through for modern audiences. It’s full of tons of laughs (both ironic and sincere) as well as tons of melodrama and over-the-top romance. Most importantly though, it’s a full of passion; lots and lots of passion. During its short episode count the series watches Maya progress as an actress and grow older, with her finishing middle school and beginning high school while also balancing full time acting jobs on the side. The ending is left open--and let’s face it the manga hasn't even ended some 35 years later still--but there’s enough forward momentum in the series to really feel like your time with the characters wasn't wasted and that they were able to accomplish something--not to mention the ending spot is a pretty decent one leaving the viewer wanting more but enjoying a satisfying conclusion to one of the more interesting story arcs adapted. Overall I think anyone who enjoys cheesy anime romance can sit down with this series and have a fun Valentine’s.

[magziraphale]

Percival Graves, Wizard Daddy Part 1

In celebration of reaching 100 followers, and to continue procrastinating the actual work I should be doing, here’s the first of a few snippets on Graves driving people mad with sexual frustration.

Theseus Scamander didn’t know the meaning of the word boundaries. Graves had known this for many years and by the looks of things he hadn’t changed. In fact, after being introduced to his younger brother he’s beginning to think it’s genetic.

But after making himself at home in Graves’ office - at 11.30am, on a Tuesday - the man didn’t even have the decency to get down to business or even give an inkling that there was any business to be gotten down to. Instead, he had sat chugging coffee while watching Graves continue with his morning paperwork. After a few more minutes the slurps interrupting the silence became too much.

Graves sighed, setting down a badly written statement about some young teenage hooliganry that certainly did not remind him of a few of his own escapades, no siree.

“Why are you actually here Theseus?”

The other man grinned the smile that had struck fear into the hearts of allied soldiers.

“Officially? I’m compiling a report on American security measures ‘post-Grindelwald’“

At Graves’ frown he continued.

“Yeah, I know, ‘post’-nothing as far as I’m concerned. But anyway, less officially, I’m here because my little brother and one of my best mates were involved in a shitshow of the highest proportions. Also, the Minister is quite happy to be rid of me for a few days.”

“While that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest, I’m fine Thes, why are you not fussing round Newt instead of staring at me doing paperwork?”

His response was a world-weary sigh.

“Firstly, ‘fine’ my arse.” He snorted. “Or maybe yours, who knows?”

“Thes-”

“Newt actually chased me out of his case with a pitchfork this morning, so I won’t be trying any more ‘fussing’ until at least lunchtime. And maybe I like watching you do paperwork. Gives me a sense of peace, knowing I don’t have to do it.”

Graves valiantly restrained himself from rolling his eyes. And smirking. But Theseus was on a roll now it seemed.

“At first I was going to put a little of the fear of God into the useless bunch of cretins you have over here that let themselves be shown up the Scamander not trained in combat, but after a while even I succumbed to their guilty fucking faces. Still, I thought they should understand the privilege of working under Grumpy Graves himself-”

“Mercy Lewis, Thes, what did you do to my aurors?”

“Me? I did nothing. You, on the other hand...”

Something cold settled somewhere around Graves’ chest.

“I...what do you mean?”

“You really haven’t noticed have you?” His face softened at Graves’ expression. “Okay, calm down darling. I’m only talking about how you walk around here leaving a trail of sexed-up terriers in your wake.”

That uncomfortable feeling melted into pure confusion. This was weird even for Theseus.

“Honestly, Thes, what the fuck?”

The Scamander smirk was back.

“You, my dear friend, are hot stuff, and are driving this department to distraction. Watching their faces when you billowed past - Merlin’s beard, at least three of them would’ve blown you right there.”

Graves was doing his best impression of a fish.

“Wha- that’s insane. Ridiculous. And I don’t ‘billow’.”

“Oh yes you fucking do!”

The asshole was laughing at him.

“This conversation is ridiculous. Did you inhale anything in that case of Newt’s?”

“I don’t know if it’s the combination of scary asshole boss and tight-laced beacon of justice...Maybe it’s the coat. Actually, turn round and give us a look at your arse, Perce, I’ve forgotten what it looks like.”

“Get out of my office you fucking madman.”

Things were getting out of hand. One minute he was fearing that his aurors were afraid of him or couldn’t work with him after Grindelwald, and now...

“Are you trying to tell me that my aurors have, what, a crush on me?”

Theseus was standing now, coming around the desk to invade his space.

“Pfft a crush. They want to fuck you, probably in varied and quite obscene ways.”

He looked so goddamn cheerful about it, tugging him out of his (comfy, safe) chair.

“I mean, you’ve always been a looker, but I’ve never seen this level of concentrated sexual frustration before, we simply have to experiment.”

Graves was putting it down to shock that he was letting himself be manhandled by this lunatic, bond of friendship or no. He had also learned years ago that sometimes it was best just to let the Scamander madness run its course and deal with the aftermath.

So that is how within a few minutes he found himself in nought but his shirt and waistcoat, sleeves turned up in a completely unprofessional manner, while his former best friend inspected the rear of his trousers.

“Oooh not bad Perce, not bad at all. If anything it’s gotten better! Now go out there and ask for some files on my brother or something. Make sure to walk around a bit.”

“Wait, what-”

“I’ve got your back, think of it as a reconnaissance mission.”

With a firm hand to his back, he was marched to the door. Merlin help him.

[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

May 19, 2020

IT'S THE TESTING, STUPID

OK, this whole thing with testing is getting ridiculous. One day you can test negative and the very next day you could be positive. So what good is that? And another thing, the more testing we do, the more cases of Covid 19 we have. So, it's simple isn't it, just don't do so many tests. The official death toll is said to be over 90,000 in this country. But we know that's way too high. How could so many people be dead? It's actually a lot less and if we stop the stupid testing, we'll have even fewer deaths. As the White House now tells us, Operation Pumpkin will yield a vaccine by Halloween and we can all go trick-or-treating safely right before RE-ELECTION DAY. And everyone who wants, can get vaccinated except in blue states. This whole coronavirus thing has been blown way out of proportion and its time to get America back to work and continue the greatest economy that ever existed in history — except for the last three years of Obama. And those bastards in the Obama administration left the cupboard bare, except for that 69-page playbook on how to deal with pandemics and the Global Health Security and Biodefense office, which had to be eliminated. Anyway, don't listen to guys like Dr. Anthony Fauci, they're only scientists and know nothing about politics.

FUN THINGS TO DO WHILE SELF-ISOLATING

-Pretend your living room is a dancehall and do the western swing to Choo Choo Ch'Boogie by Asleep At The Wheel.

-Pretend your sofa is an airplane, dress up in an Elvis suit and parachute into Vegas singing “Only Fools Rush In.”

-Recreate the Death Valley Marathon in an empty lot wearing only shorts, a hijab and a camelback  canteen while singing, “I've been through the desert on a horse with no name... ”

-Drink three cups of strong coffee and ride your bicycle around the block (wearing a mask, of course) pretending that you're Lance Armstrong doping in the Tour de France.

-Line up six dining chairs in three rows of two and put on “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by Ladysmith Black Mambazo, while pretending you're a safari driver in the Serengeti, pointing to your kid's stuffed animals and warning passengers, “No pee breaks because you'll be eaten by lions or teddy bears.” (Wilson and the band loved this one, especially after a few beers.)

-And finally, pretend your sofa is a Bugatti and dress up like Isadora Duncan and accidentally strangle yourself when your long scarfs get caught in the spokes. (Editor's note: don't really strangle yourself to death.)

-Next week, we'll have a fun list of things you can do while locked down with your kids.

INSPECTORS GENERAL SUCK

Inspectors general are a pain in the ass. They find stuff that doesn't work or people who are ripping stuff off and report it. It's always bitch, bitch, bitch. And so President Trump had a good idea: fire the bastards. White House aides opened a file called “Fire the Bastards Project.” On April 3, Trump shit-canned Michael Atkinson who declared as credible a complaint that Trump pressured the president of Ukraine to get dirt on Joe Biden. They should have hung him for treason. Then on April 6, Trump sent Glen Fine packing. He was supposed to oversee $2 trillion in spending Congress allotted to mitigate coronavirus impacts. But the president didn't want old Glen Fine sticking his nose where it don't belong. And, of course, the president had to dump HHS Deputy Inspector General Christi Grimm after she had the temerity to report that hospitals were struggling to keep up with the onslaught of coronavirus patients. Stupid woman. And then, the president had to boot Steve Linick, the State Department IG, because he was snooping around in Secretary Mike Pompeo's dirty laundry. What a pervert. It's like this: What you don't know can't hurt you — and it helps at election time, too.

DID BODY SNATCHERS INVADE FOX ?

The new U.S. Space Force has identified alien intruders that seek to upend American politics. Insiders say new evidence indicates that aliens most likely invaded the bodies of Sean Hannity, Laura Ingram and Jeanine Pirro. Smart Bomb's sources spoke on the condition of anonymity because President Trump loves Fox and would go batshit if the theory proves to be true. Here are the facts: Some of the so-called “Fox hosts” are broadcasting from home during the pandemic and one evening, Jeanine Pirro got absolutely shit-faced and then went on air. New findings suggest that when androids imbibe they may give away valuable intel and Pirro had blurted out, “I must be quart low.” Analysts believe she was referring to hydraulic fluid that is necessary for android mobility. The artificial intelligence, or AI, that runs their mouths is separate and programmed with special software. It all looks to be a Mandalorian plot to destroy the Neo-Trump movement from within by making it's most famous purveyors appear completely insane. Some investigators, however, believe the plot may not have succeeded because some Americans think the androids are right: There is a vast left-wing conspiracy to create a virus, pretend 90,000 have died and make them wear masks to the beach. So much for advanced intelligence.

Post script — Swimsuit season is upon us and the latest fashion trend for women is the trikini. That's right, ladies, you can now get face masks to match the rest of your string bikinis. In fact, depending on the style, the face mask may cover more skin than the rest of the outfit. And think of it, you can strut your stuff and no one will recognize you. At this point we're dangerously close to being labeled sexist, so we'll change the subject. Now the question becomes, do you need face masks for golfing, cycling or Rollerblading? With enough social distancing, maybe not. We know President Trump doesn't wear a mask when he goes Rollerblading in shorts and knee socks at the Trump Skate Park. But we digress. Summer vacation time is almost here and American families must decide how to take a Covid 19-safe vacation. Disneyland is not the best option. And the beaches may be too crowded, whether or not you've got the latest trikini. Camping would be safe except every other American has the same idea. And it's a definite ixnay on a Princess Cruise with 3,000 would-be virus carriers on a floating petri dish. But here's an idea from the Smart Bomb travel desk: volunteer sheepherding on the Falkland Islands. Yes, it's windswept and rainy and it will be winter down there 670 miles east of the southern tip of Argentina. But it does have an upside. There will be no coronavirus and no price-gouging. Think of all the fun you and the kids would have herding those woolies around the island. It's something they could tell their kids about. And the best part: No news from the United States. Totally Trump-free. We knew we could convince you.

Alright Wilson, wake up the band and take us out of here with a little something to get us in vacation escape mode:

Everybody's talking at me I don't hear a word they're saying Only the echoes of my mind  

People stopping, staring I can't see their faces Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining Through the pouring rain Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the northeast winds Sailing on a summer breeze And skipping over the ocean like a stone

(Everybody's Talkin, Harry Nilsson)

[judgesabo]

In Infinite Finality

So this is going to be my first non-Homestuck post here. I usually try to keep to that theme so people know what they’re getting and not get bogged down by politics or whatever else. But this is rather important to me personally, and we likely won’t get a better time to address it, so I’ll make the effort. This isn’t a theory post or anything though, it’s just a goodbye to a company I once knew.

For those not in the loop, or reading this after the fact, today Marc Laidlaw released his genderbent “fanfiction” of what he had planned Half Life 2: Episode 3, which can be read here. Marc Laidlaw was a lead writer for the entire Half Life series at Valve until he left the company last year in 2016, so this can essentially be taken as a leaked story for what they had planned back in 2007 when the last game came out.

Communication with Valve over the course of this period has been infamous. Episode 3 was originally planned to be released back in 2007 back when this entire process began, yet a decade later we have heard only two major bits of information on it, the first being a leak by an anonymous source of some out dated concept art back in 2012, and the second being this. From today. Valve doesn’t even seem to even recognize the existence of Half Life fans anymore, not even to simply confirm that it isn’t happening.

It’s painful to see what remains to this day as one of my favorite franchises lost and forgotten.

To really get this across though, I’d like to remember better days.

I distinctly recall as a kid watching my dad play the original Half Life. I think it was the first shooter I ever saw, and it astounded me. I didn’t really “get” the entire concept back then, nor did I remember the title, but the idea that there was a game where I could walk around as this person and save the world from an alien invasion stuck with me.

But by the time I was old enough to really play video games, new things had come out and I paid attention to those instead.

Then when Half Life 2 came out, I found my way into a physical copy of it. I didn’t know what this “Steam” thing was that it wanted me to download to play it, so I put it off. I still have it; it’s in my hands right now.

In the summer of 2008, this changed. While I was at camp, a friend told me about this cool game called Portal. He described it to me as being filled with action, puzzles, clever writing, unique gameplay, set in an interesting world... it hit all my checkmarks. While I couldn’t play it directly at the time, I could find the Flash version, and just like he said, it was mind bending. It reshaped how I had to think about space, to be “thinking with portals,” and the thought that there was something out there that was this but in 3D was astounding.

I eventually got Portal only to find it was everything he described to me and more. Not only was is superbly written, but the more I dug into it, the more I would uncover. Little secrets were hidden throughout the world, and if you were clever you could find this giant backstory to the series, about the mysterious Ratman or Cave Johnson, or find the history of this company as it tried desperately to get funding in competition against Black Mesa.

So naturally, hearing about this Black Mesa place, I needed to play Half Life, and my expectations were blown away yet again. Fast, fun gameplay, a story of epic proportions, and more mysterious forces seemingly beyond human comprehension. It made you feel like a hero.

Among this I found act fan communities creating whole new projects like Freeman’s Mind, which remains one of my favorite channels to this day. And then there were spin offs of that as well. I found fanart, music, and theories, and not to mention Black Mesa Source as a ground up remake of the original game simply created out of the love of the fanbase. Just like with Portal, the more I would dig the more I would uncover, revealing this elaborate and well constructed universe to explore. The more I would try out, the more impressed I’d be. Not to mention other games like Team Fortress 2 to start and just enjoy playing with friends. And to top it all off was Steam, a platform most famous for simply throwing these games at you with deals, not only for Valve’s own games with groupings like the Orange Box, but all games.

Valve, to me, was this cornucopia of creativity and excellent game design. In my eyes they could do no wrong, and while Valve Time was already infamous back then, there was so much to already explore, I could wait. Half Life 2 Episode 3 was in the works, Portal was a success beyond anything even Valve had planned for, and the future was bright. Left 4 Dead 2 released somewhere in there as well, but I didn’t pay it much mind.

My patience was rewarded in March 2010, less than two years later, when Portal quietly received an update adding radios to each level, providing clues that the community I had come to know was quickly unfolding into a whole new story, and a sequel was on its way. It was disheartening that we still hadn’t received any news on Episode 3, but my favorite game was getting a sequel! How could I not be happy? Besides, Portal had originally just been the tag along to apologize for Episode 2 being late. I knew that if we waited long enough, Valve would present us with a finely polished product which would surpass our expectations. They would regularly interact with their communities and clearly loved making the games just as much as we did playing them. Valve would count to 3 eventually.

Portal 2 faced some delays (more of that infamous Valve Time, haha), but it did eventually come out the next year and it was... good. It was a good game. It went through a lot of the old ground Portal had. Didn’t offer much new. The tone had changed. Things that had previous been in the background were brought to the foreground, and when I digged into it I found significantly less despite it being the bigger and more richly detailed game. Some parts didn’t really make sense. But it was alright, and had a lot of clever moments, and most people I talked to seemed to love it even more than the original, which frankly confused me. I’d like to talk about these differences in more detail in a separate post later, but for now Zero Punctuation hit a lot of the issues.

So I continued to wait, started watching E3 just for the chance that we would once again get news, that the dramatic cliffhanger we were left with would be addressed, or at least to get a sign that some more of that patented Valve creativity was still at work. People began to stop talking about Episode 3 and instead talked of Half Life 3 as the big title in the works. After all, the entire point of the episodic structure was for these short games to come out quickly. Valve had even suggested that they would be coming out on a monthly basis, but haha, classic Valve Time, it took years instead. We still had their promises to go off of.

I still remembered warnings from Doug Lombardi that Episode 3 would come out even later than Episode 2 did, Gabe Newell talking about how they might add a deaf character, about how the next Half Life would return to the darker roots missing in Portal 2, of bits of code in other minor releases by Valve making explicit reference to Episode 3 assets, Gabe Newell coming out to meet “protesters” hoping for some news, discussions of “Ricochet 2″ talked about openly, and Gabe shown working at a forge on a crowbar, saying how it took time. In 2012, like a breath of fresh air, some concept art apparently from back in 2008 was even leaked, showing that there was indeed actual work done by Valve showing that it wasn’t just all lies. A multitude of little pieces to let us know that it was still alive, that hope was not dead, the list of which has disappeared from Valve’s dead forums but can be found here on the wiki. Sure Valve seemed focused on that DOTA 2 game, but who really cared about that. Just another joke on them not being able to count to 3, haha.

Things became worse. Calls for Communication weren’t answered. Any kind of discussion by Valve at all became further and further apart, and what was there was abandoning what we were promised. Talk about abandoning single player games entirely were common, and Gabe even seemed dismissive of putting out more Half Life sequels and making bizarre claims like how Valve would be breaking new ground by focusing on multiplayer because there’d never been commercially successful multiplayer games before. Source 2 eventually came out (can’t count to 3, haha), but all the attention was focused on that DOTA 2 game which was still around and getting regular updates and news. Valve started focusing on hardware, trying to play catch up with their competition, making a big deal about releasing a normal controller, or working with other non-Valve groups to develop VR hardware.

The Know releases a video claiming that an anonymous inside source from Valve officially confirmed Half Life 3 as dead, with Valve too scared to release a new game to meet the insanely high expectations as well as some other problems, but Marc Laidlaw dismissed Valve ever being scared. Then old talent that had been with Valve from the beginning like Doug Lombardi and Marc began leaving, the few creative masterminds we still knew were there, gone.

Years pass in complete silence. The 10th anniversary of Episode 3′s announcement comes and goes in complete silence. And what we do hear isn’t much better. In AMA’s even as early as last January, and we still get the same line from Gaben, still joking about the number 3 and refusing to confirm or deny whether anything will come from the series, refusing to give closure one way or another, and even stating how Valve just loves to troll fans by making t-shirts and posters of Half Life 3.

Instead of the game we were promised or a new IP, Valve has now stooped to copying others, and we get a fucking card game for Dota 2, something not even fans of Dota 2 wanted.

And now, out of nowhere, we have this, a look into what might have been. And it doesn’t come from Valve, but from a man we once loved who’s moved on, and seems to despair at how things turned out.

And here we are. I spoke of my return to this shore. It has been a circuitous path to lands I once knew, and surprising to see how much the terrain has changed. Enough time has passed that few remember me, or what I was saying when last I spoke, or what precisely we hoped to accomplish. At this point, the resistance will have failed or succeeded, no thanks to me. Old friends have been silenced, or fallen by the wayside. I no longer know or recognize most members of the research team, though I believe the spirit of rebellion still persists. I expect you know better than I the appropriate course of action, and I leave you to it. Expect no further correspondence from me regarding these matters; this is my final epistle.

This is simultaneously the most news we’ve heard about Half Life 2 and also the most disheartening. It’s a stab at an old wound long scabbed over, a reminder that the talent we used to adore was real and not just the stuff of myth and legend.

The comparison I look around and see people making is one of death, that this is the final nail on the coffin, and this is the only burial that our good friends at Black Mesa and in the Resistance will ever receive. I’ve made that comparison myself already.

But now that I sit here and write this out, that I look over everything, I don’t think that’s the right answer.

Marc even followed up with a tweet pointing out that an old, unused script is not a sign that nothing will ever come out. And he’s right. Valve may indeed release something one day. Valve still lives and breathes, and is making tons of money through Steam.

Instead, the more apt analogy is that of someone suffering from Alzheimer's. A deeply loved relative has fallen ill and has slowly become a shadow of their former self, making occasional references to the glory days as we smile, nod, and pat their hand. What happened today was a brief moment of clarity breaking through their mind, and getting a chance to talk to them as they once were in their prime, and the moment quickly passes away again.

It’s a reminder of what was lost, and that no matter what they do now, the Valve I knew is gone forever. The talent behind what we knew and loved have left, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone to replace them. No matter what happens now, the cake was a lie. And I want to be wrong so very badly. Even now I can look around and see them walking around the corner, just like their old self, and going on some new adventure.

But here we are. And seeing how quickly the community latched onto this, onto anything proves that I’m not alone.

I wish Valve nothing but the best. Even for their stupid card game.