#the levels of restraint i need to have to remind myself that its not worth it

[natandacat]

btw im feeling a lot today bc my neighbor is having a bbq and i really wanna go but i had to lie and say i was working bc everyone there is a hardcore party goer and theres too many covid cases rn so even in an outdoor setting i would need to mask and that crowd would be super weirded out by my n95 and also it would suck bc i wouldnt even be able to eat. anyway. being at risk is like living in purgatory while 99% of the population literally doesnt care.

[shihalyfie]

What went down with the DigiFes situation, from the community and translator perspective

I think the events of the last few days have gotten everyone in a huge fuss, and because everything got caught up in a lot of chaotic social media stuff, there’s been a lot of questions about what came from what and who knew what at what time. Fortunately, I happen to be:

Someone who’s a veteran in this fanbase and thus has a small handful of friends in this community, who also have their own friends

Someone who understands a little Japanese (although not as much as others in this community do) and therefore can read things in Japanese myself to some degree without needing someone else to translate it for me

So hopefully I can shed some light on what kinds of things were being discussed, and what was known and not known at what time in this fanbase with all of this.

The most important thing I want to establish is that there was no organized coalition or smear campaign. (Kind of ironic I have to say this when the topic at hand has so much to do with conspiracy theories.) I’m a veteran, I know friends who are veterans, they know other friends who are veterans but don’t know me at all. My friends usually agree with and like the same things I do, and I give them advice and assistance with my skillset when I can, and they return the favor. We pass things along through the grapevine, not through some super-secret club grapevine, just via the nature of social relationships and some Discord servers (multiple; again, not everyone knows each other). So these are my impressions of what happened, based on said grapevine.

How it all started

Konaka’s blog is long. Like, really long. Which is only natural, because he was recapping basically the entire 51 episodes of Tamers in excruciating detail, so no translator in this fanbase would be able to translate all of that and not lose their mind! So for the most part people who couldn’t read Japanese had pretty much given up on reading it (with maybe a few dedicated people using machine translation), and some people who understood Japanese would point out parts they found interesting, but for all intents and purposes it remained untranslated and not super-accessible to the mainstream. (Even the Japanese fanbase itself wasn’t super aware of the blog’s existence.)

So when that first post in May about 9/11 dropped, the people who did read Japanese started going “uh...”

At the time, the DigiFes stage reading hadn't been announced yet. So, in other words, everyone reading it only knew it as, functionally, him namedropping an alt-right YouTuber and praising his observations. The reaction from anyone reading the blog at the time was something along the lines of “disappointed and mildly concerned.” (Note the mildly.)

The posts in June about the Great Reset and the anti-vaccine sentiment were when people keeping an eye on the situation started to get really worried about how far this was going to escalate. At this point, I want to make something clear that may not be apparent to those who weren’t keeping up or who are outside the fanbase: Most of the translators and Japanese-reading people deliberately chose not to be too public about this at this time.

Why?

This is the irony surrounding the fact that said translators are now being accused of trying to further “cancel culture”: cancellation was absolutely not what anyone wanted back then! If anyone wanted to create a smear campaign, 9/11 conspiracies, the Great Reset, and anti-vaccine statements are already more than enough to make a starting case. But at the time, this was a blog that very few people (Japanese or otherwise) knew about, translating it would basically just boost its platform more than it would have had in the first place (which would be counterproductive), and -- well, let’s be real, it’s not hard to imagine that people might get reactionary over it, and people would go nuts. Was there any real benefit that would come out of that? Not really, no.

So at the most, those keeping an eye on it might have vented a bit on their personal accounts, but some even tried to self-censor with “[redacted]” or vagueposting, because this was a matter that needed to be handled with delicacy. Thus, there were “mild rumors through the grapevine” about what was going on, but those who knew were trying to hold back with restraint and mostly inform people quietly in the hopes of this not needing to become some kind of huge social media campaign.

(Also, to be a bit blunt about it, it’s really hard to be in front of someone who loves Tamers and is gushing about it and showing admiration for Konaka, knowing all of this and wanting to say something, but feeling like a jerk if you pop their bubble like “also, he’s probably an alt-right conspiracy theorist now.” Not to say that the ignorance-is-bliss concept is always a good thing, but...)

But since the blog posts in question were discussing the prospect of having his sentiments in fiction, everyone reading them was on edge anticipating what might be in store for DigiFes. The hope was that it might blow over. Hopefully, everything would be in the form of subtle themes with plausible deniability, it would all stay within the realm of “it’s not worth causing a fuss over this,” that would be the end of it, and we’d all move on with our lives.

Unfortunately, “Political Correctness is activating Cancel Culture” isn’t exactly subtle.

DigiFes and the aftermath

I think it’s too easy to assign too much responsibility to the fansub group that was indirectly responsible for breaking the news for all of this, but actually, the truth is, this would have gotten out anyway.

Even when the stream itself was going on, there were Japanese livebloggers, and there were also English speakers who caught on that something was happening with “the Tamers fighting political correctness”. Some hours later, an upload of the stream went live on YouTube, and quite a few people started watching it and caught onto what was going on. If the fansub group that released the now-infamous version hadn’t done it, I’m absolutely certain someone else would have eventually (perhaps in a different language first, but nevertheless). And even before then, information about what the hell was going on was already starting to circulate in broken and incomplete forms. That fansub solidified what was going on, and perhaps accelerated the moment the bomb dropped on everyone, but if it hadn’t been there, it would have happened much more gradually and chaotically.

On top of that, while the use of Western alt-right rhetoric (seriously, please do not try to bring the “injecting Western politics into Japanese media” argument here when all of us are asking him to take the Western politics out) meant that it went over most of the Japanese audience’s heads (hence your answer to “who approved this?”), there was at least one Japanese person who was politically savvy enough to call it out for what it was in disgust. (I’m not linking them here because I’m not dumb enough to fling them in a place where some of you trigger-happy people will go after them.) They didn’t even need to be super in-tune with Western politics to get it; they understood enough to tell that there were some pretty alarming extremist views in there. If they understood that much, it was naturally going to follow that the Western side was definitely going to become aware one way or another.

Even all that aside, at the very least, said fansub is accurate; imagine how much worse this situation would have been if someone else had taken it up and confused things further with a misleading translation, or, worse, deliberately messed with the contents. Basically, this debacle could have easily been a lot worse.

I don’t think anyone expected this to get as big as it did (as in, to the point mainstream anime reporters outside the fanbase picked up on it). There was a similar tri. reading back in 2016, but even a lot of the hardcore fanbase barely remembers it exists! These aren’t even supposed to be canon, either! But when you have that disclaimer at the front, and the contents are really like that, it was probably inevitable for it to become a social media sensation. I mean the contents...sure are a thing.

One thing I should point out about the disclaimer is that it only mentions the program itself. It doesn’t bring up the blog, and it doesn’t bring up who wrote this scenario, just the fact that the program contains alt-right rhetoric and conspiracy theories. Because it does! It’s not even technically praising or condemning the content within, it just says “we don’t agree with it”! What the group did condemn was...approaching staff about it (and especially starting a fight). Because, in the end, that’s what the disclaimer was for: a heads-up about what was in there, and an added reminder that the people translating this are just translating it for the sake of informational purposes. Or, in other words:

It was a content warning. Even without the disclaimer, there were many, many people who would have recognized the contents for what they were and been caught by it unawares, and become upset by it. There were many people who said that they were glad to have that there because it at least gave them some time to mentally prepare for what they were about to be slapped with!

It really, really was a disclaimer. When you have something that level of extremely politically charged stuff, it’s only natural to start suspecting that the translation group had an agenda (official translations tend to get this a lot when content is remotely political). But no, the translation group did their due diligence, even if their opinions were starkly opposed to what was in there.

I was not personally involved in that translation, but I’ll give you this (copy-pasted with permission, from someone who wasn’t technically involved directly in it but was privy to discussions while it was being done):

no we brought up all of those questions like the fact that Yamaki's clearly off his rocker and this isn't supposed to be taken seriously in the first place or that maybe if we're lucky he'll just sound like a fake woke boomer but no matter how you slice it the plot is about him "convincing" the unbelieving Takato and co. into rallying up against the true enemy of Political Correctness and that's just literally the alt-right playbook in a nutshell

the thing even made it to YouTube, we were basically racing against the clock

I mean I really want to say this is plausible deniability but I don’t know how you can get any less subtle than this, this is not something you can mince words

like I really wish we could pass this off as “as long as you don’t know the blog you can take this innocently as political commentary or something” but I honestly don’t think this is something you can take innocently even without context

tbh the Political Correctness part is the most cringeworthy but Yamaki’s rant about fact checkers being evil and all that is probably a lot more worrying when you think about it

tbh I’ve never felt as conflicted about what’s the right thing to do as I do now

So in other words, it was not a reckless decision to just tack on a political label; it was done after a lot of consideration about the consequences to put the label on and what people would think of it with or without context, whether there might be a glimmer of light possibility to try and pass this off as more innocuous as it was, and eventually a determination that, in the end, there was indeed alt-right rhetoric in the program, and should be labeled accordingly.

The result was that, of course, everything broke out on social media, chaos burst out, a lot of hearts were unfortunately broken, and a lot of alt-righters started invading spaces accusing people of proving him right with cancel culture. Ironically, my personal observation is that, while there were exceptions, most people in the actual fanbase did honor the requests to not harass people about it, and this may actually be the most solidarity I’ve ever seen from the Digimon fanbase in my life, which is saying a lot considering how we usually tend to be a drama magnet most of the time. The ones who were actually directly messaging him were his newfound supporters locking down on offering him “support against people trying to cancel him” (I think they were more heartbroken and upset at him than anything...), and most of the harassment came from alt-righters not even in the fanbase, namesearching and sending harassing, accusatory messages to anyone involved for as much as expressing mild dismay. (You want to talk about harassment and being attacked for having an opinion? Pot, meet kettle.)

This leads us back to the question of the blog: if you’ll remember, I just said that the fansub in question did not bring it up at all. That’s because, at the beginning, there was no intention to bring it up if it wasn’t necessary; this was not intended as a smear campaign. The warning was attached to the DigiFes program because it was about the DigiFes program. But the resulting chaos had a lot of people bring up the blog because it better contextualized what was going on, and discussion led to people looking it up themselves and posting fragments of it on social media, sometimes even using machine translate.

Ultimately, that’s the reason this document was released: it was the same reason as the fansub being released at the time it was, which was “if it hadn’t been released, the alternative was watching things get disseminated more slowly and chaotically.” I will say outright that I was one of the people who got to lay eyes on that document before it was publicly released (and even helped out with some advice here and there); it’s no secret that it was being quietly passed around as an internal memo prior to the outbreak. The original version of the document had a request to not post it on public social media because of the chaos it would cause, and while I don’t know how many people got to see it before it was released, I’m under the impression that it was enough people that I was quite surprised everyone who saw it respected that request.

Why does the document contain a ton of analysis and debunking on top of just the translations? Well, when you’re translating those blog posts, you’re technically giving it a bigger platform (which was one of the reasons it was originally considered better to not post it publicly). Since the document exists primarily to inform people, especially about why certain things that may seem innocuous actually have wider context behind them, it’s going to need to contain an analysis like that.

The summary

There were a lot of decisions involved by a lot of different people through all parts of this ordeal. I think it’s fair to criticize whether they were the right decisions in retrospect or whether certain things should have been done slightly differently (including my small role in this), but nevertheless, it was one where the risks involved were thought through and taken into account in every step of the situation, with a desire to avoid chaos, or at least prevent it from getting too much worse. When you have contents like this, a controversy honestly is inevitable -- how on earth are you going to be able to put contents like Yamaki reciting off all the typical alt-right YouTuber talking points and ending in Political Correctness activating Cancel Culture and not expect that to make a stir at some point? -- and so, in the end, this wasn’t so much a conscious attempt at stirring the pot as much as it was the dam finally breaking, and a desire to keep it from spilling over too much. Nobody coordinated this! I think everyone just really hates drama.

Knowing all the steps and thoughts that went on behind all of this, I think being reactionary or accusatory for clout is the last thing anyone involved wanted to be. Considering just how many of these steps above could have easily been made into exposure, from the posts all the way back in May and June to the internal memo document that was made to keep friends quietly informed but could have been leaked to the public with only one bad actor, there was an active, common desire among people who didn’t even know each other to try and minimize the potential damage as much as possible. When you look at the situation now, of course it looks awful and hardly like something that came out of “trying to minimize damage”, but in reality there’s only so much you can do when the contents really are like that, and I personally believe everyone involved was doing what they thought was their best option as the situation kept changing.

I can’t speak for anyone else, especially since I don’t even know most of the people involved, and I didn’t have much of a role in all of this, but I think everyone involved, myself and my friends and everyone who’d been keeping tabs on this situation for months, has been going through a lot of heartbreak and conflict over what to do next, so please understand that there was a lot of thought put into all of it, and that it really was a difficult situation no matter how you look at it.

[krinatheladysnake]

Lady Snake (and the Jedi Killer) Chapter 1

Summary: The galaxy calls her Lady Snake- a quick and merciless killer. Kylo Ren calls her a nuisance.Krina, a Commander and the only other Force user of the First Order, despises what the dark side has become and wishes to return it to its true state of power but what she hates the most is the naive man-child ruling over it.

Chapter 1: Abstemious (to exercise such restraint)

Words: 2,020

The usual hum of TIE Fighters landing, taking off, and flying overhead mixed with the rhythmic sounds of blasters relentlessly firing – it was almost enough to drown out the screams and pleas of the planet’s villagers as they begged for their lives to be spared. Almost.

Krina narrowed her eyes as she assessed the scene playing out in front of her. Stormtroopers gathered in herds, wrangling up and disposing of large groups of civilians. The commands fell from her lips so quickly that she didn’t even have a second to register it as she tightened her grip on the hilt of her lightsaber, the delicate fabric of her glove stretching over her knuckles as much as it possibly could without wearing too thin. She scanned the crowd methodically, keeping her eyes focused on the task at hand and her mind focused on honing in the Force, bending it to do her current list of sinister deeds. The hum of her steady kyber crystal nestled in her perfectly crafted saber reminded her that she had work to do and only a finite amount of time to accomplish it all. Krina passed by the majority of their fleet, reaching the middle of the village where a line of feeble excuses for storefronts and a watering hole were the only things of substance. This place barely had any value to anyone, let alone the First Order. It was simply a quick stop in the Order’s plans to overthrow a whole line of small, inhabitable planets in order to gather resources, look for a new base, and gain the upper hand against the Resistance.

Annoyance and anger rose in Krina as she sensed six people coming closer to her. The Knights of Ren, masked warriors who devoted themselves to the Dark Side – a true testament to its power when utilized correctly but they were more or less just used to scare people off. To Krina, six large, useless monsters were hardly a distraction. The seventh was going to be a problem. He never hesitated to intervene, cause a scene, and sabotage her missions. She stiffened, trying to stay focused on the task at hand.

Four stormtroopers stood around villagers, who were down on their knees, holding blasters to their temples. Krina’s boots crunched against dry and cracked dirt as she stepped forward. The hostages looked up at her with fear in their eyes as she towered over them, holding her lightsaber in a backwards grip and deactivating it in hopes of giving them some sort of false sense of security.

“Don’t be afraid,” She hummed, offering a sweet smile as she made a point to show them that she was putting her weapon away. She could feel their fear grow as they recognized her, and her capabilities. Krina took another step forward and the captives winced. She let out a cold laugh, throwing her head back. “None of you listened. That’s a shame.”

Krina eyed the line and began sifting through their minds, one by one. At each victim, she paused and leaned in, only inches between them. She smirked at each of them, watching as their sweat and tears mixed into a mess. All they could visualize was a dramatic slideshow of memories and goodbyes upon realization that this was indeed the end. However, there was nothing of substance, nothing she needed. So far, they were more useless than the planet they lived on. She continued down the line, ignoring the screams of those she was finished with as the troopers finished them off. With each death, the Knights of Ren inched closer.

As Krina reached the final villager, she held her hand out, instructing the Force to infiltrate the poor man’s mind. He left out a pained and strangled scream as Krina gained control over his thoughts. She rummaged through them, finding a hint of something worth looking into. She pushed the Force, wanting to peer further and gather more information. And yet, she was inevitably interrupted. A huff escaped her lips and she backed away, whipping her head around only to be met by six terribly designed masks.

“Interrupting yet another mission you have no place in, I see,” Krina spoke through gritted teeth. None of them answered. She was well aware their master was puppeteering them to keep their mouths shut. She shook her head at them and sauntered over.

“Where’s your master? Shouldn’t he be here trying to take my glory?” She hummed as she weaved in between the men, placing her hands on them like they were toys and she wanted to play. Almost as if he were listening, their master was now tangible in her mind and heading directly towards her, speaking to her through the Force. Kylo Ren had finally arrived.

"Get your hands off of them and do what you were told."

Krina audibly laughed and slithered over to Vicrul – or was it Ushar? She didn’t care to be able to tell them apart. She let her hands trail down the layers of the knight’s thick black fabric.

“Oh, he’s coming! How exciting! Once he’s here you all can pretend to be useful while he gives you silly instructions. As if I wasn’t already going to do all of it myself!” She cheered, practically bouncing along with her words.

Honestly, Krina felt bad for not only the stormtroopers but the poor lonely villager who had to watch this desperate attempt to get under Kylo Ren’s tattered and scarred skin. She wanted to have a little fun before the mission was over. Once she felt his full presence, Krina backed away from the Knights and stood in front of them, facing them.

Kylo Ren pushed past his men and stood only inches from the frustrated woman. He may be taller than her, but it was obvious that she was not the least bit intimidated by him. She stood with her shoulders back and her chin in the air, her eyes not faltering. This was the first time Krina had seen Kylo Ren’s newly reforged helmet and she made a mental map of the ridiculous red vein-like stripes.

“Supreme Leader,” Krina addressed the masked man, raising an eyebrow. Wordlessly, Kylo Ren walked over to the lone captive. Krina continued to face the Knights of Ren, working on not letting her anger for the Supreme Leader’s interruption get the best of her. The disruption in the Force is what made her turn around. Kylo Ren somewhat knew the one villager Krina hadn’t gotten a chance to fully infiltrate and kill. She could feel the turmoil it caused the already weak man in front of her.

“You’re with the Resistance,” Kylo spoke, breaking his silence. Krina didn’t intervene. She only motioned the stormtroopers to fall back and watched on. The captive only made a small, disgusted noise but kept his eyes locked onto the masked man in front of him. Kylo crouched down to be at the same level and mimicked the motion Krina had done only moments before, earning the same guttural scream as the man’s mind was torn through. The sound lasted much longer as Kylo poked and prodded, searching.

Krina felt it the moment Kylo found what she had already begun to uncover. He retrieved the information that would be useful to them: a small section of the Resistance’s current plans. Kylo hummed, dropping his hand and letting the Force dissipate.

“Valuable information in the mind of such an unimportant individual. Truly a mistake,” He stood as he spoke, steadying himself as he reached for his lightsaber.

“You forget yourself, young man,” The man began to speak in a panic and Kylo stilled. “The light is strong in your ever disintegrating heart. You may believe the Dark Side has a hold on you but your mother-”

“Oh, enough,” Krina scoffed, already igniting her lightsaber. The blade’s hum made her eager, and ready to kill. Kylo raised a hand, silently ordering her to stand down.

Krina grit her teeth at Kylo Ren, glaring at him in disgust. This was her mission, she was not going to let his fatal love for an absent mother cause yet another disruption. She stepped forward, keeping her eyes on the back of his helmet as she walked. When she got close enough, she shoved him aside, staring down at the man a part of Kylo Ren hopelessly wanted to spare.

“Krina,” Kylo Ren hissed, warning the Commander.

“Your naivety and weakness will not be mistaken for the First Order’s,” She spoke, her voice stable and her words harsh. She did not fear their useless, newly appointed Supreme Leader. In fact, she feared virtually nothing. Krina readied herself by taking a step backward, raising her lightsaber above her head. She smiled sinisterly at the man before striking fast and deadly, like that of a snake. She whipped back around and walked passed the group of First Order personnel without hesitation. She paused for a moment, facing away from her superior.

“While we are at it, if you so desperately want to be called by your ridiculous, made-up name then you will call me by mine, Ben Solo.” Krina was gone before Kylo had any time to react. He felt their connection break as she shut herself off from him through the Force. Krina had insisted they only be available to each other when necessary. She wanted nothing to do with the torment in his mind.

Kylo Ren’s blood boiled as he stared down at the mess Krina had left behind. She was always so insistent that things be done the way she wanted. She never thought of the consequences of her actions. He was always left to pick up her pieces, to reconcile for what she had done. He was the Supreme Leader, the true leader of the First Order, of the Dark Side. She was the newly appointed Commander, practically nothing. It was a choice he was forced to make once he stepped into the role he was bound for. He was reluctant to give her the title and its power, however, it was imperative that he keep the security of the First Order as his top priority. Besides destroying the Resistance, of course. He didn’t think it was possible but Krina became even more of an inconvenience.

Kylo may have been a monster but he was a fair one. He was going to continue to treat her lowly so long as she treated him like a joke. She so desperately wanted him to call her by her earned title yet never had the decency to show him an ounce of respect.

Lady Snake: a relentless, highly trained killer that lacked in dignity and humane morals. A woman so deadly, her victims weren’t able to utter their last words or gasp a last breath. Anyone could argue that Kylo was void of the same things but he didn’t mind. He, for the most part, knew where he stood and who he was.

Kylo kneeled down at the remains, his eyes scanning the Resistance fighter’s body in hopes of finding anything valuable. He examined Krina’s destruction, making a mental note of the way she attacked. Just like all her other outbreaks, this one was eerily perfect. A completely straight slice right through the man’s waist, causing his upper body to practically slide off. Krina’s approach was unlike Kylo’s in every way. His technique was jagged, rushed, and novice while Krina’s was so refined, it left those who witnessed it feeling uneasy and in awe.

In one fluid movement, Kylo stood up and turned around to face his men, one of his only constant reminders of Snoke. The Knights of Ren were a gift from his master when he renounced his past and gave into the Dark Side. His only other reminder was Krina, who wasn’t exactly a good one. The Knights all regained their posture and stood at attention.

“Vicrul,” Kylo commanded, causing the man to step forward in anticipation for his next assignment. “Keep a close eye on Krina. I have a feeling we’ve reached her breaking point.”

[strawberryybird]

So whats your favorite thing about each of your fe3h favs? Anything you could just go on a long rant about for any of them? or interactions between them that you wish had happened or wanted to happen.

Waking up in the morning and going through all of the drunk blogging and “-thank-u-for-weathering-my-deep-need-to-be-liked-and-given-attention-off-main-I-guess” if this isn’t a whole mood on its own I don’t know what is. Anyways it sounds like you had fun and it was definetly fun reading everything. I hope you are feeling okay the day after everything. And to tack on a random question which fe3h character would you want to get drunk with if it was just the two of you?

Hi Hello!! thank u for enjoying my drunk blogging !!! and for the asks!!! (and the lovely comments on my fics actually hi there ur wonderful!!!) i’m currently cursing the damage i’ve done to my sleep schedule and suffering under my (truly deserved) hangover lmao ;p apologies u don’t get drunk me, only uncaffeinated hangover me, but we talk to the same degree and make the same spelling errors lol

ah yes.. im a fountain of moods (all of u still with me here are saints hhhh)

ok content time:

the second one first: i absolutely want to get drunk with ferdinand von aegir. the man’s a hop, skip and a vodka shot away from a mess. i love him. he’d be full of conversation and would buy the rounds every time as a true nobleman should !! he’d probably be really good at instigating drinking games but horrible at playing them.. i love party gay ferdie von aegir.

i’m going to LIMIT the faves i list because truly i love them all very much but i have to at least pretend i have some restraint and i don’t want to make this even More of a wall of text it’s going to become . SO 

edit: ok i started writing this at like. half ten pm. when the fuck did it become monday. 

edit edit: Disclaimer time: these are my conclusions and my conclusions alone. I’m not saying I’m objectively right or correct. I’m very much approaching this from an English Lit-ish point of view because that’s just how I look at a lot of media. I’m not asserting my opinions or conclusions as the only viable to interpret this media, and if anything I say offends you then I am sorry, it was not my intention but I acknowledge that I have hurt you. This is not the exhaustive list of my thoughts on the whole thing, there’s a lot more depth and detail I didn’t go in to.

My favourite thing about Edelgard is the Everything, but notably I really love her proud nature and how in VW it quite directly gets her *spoilered*, and in CF it’s integral to her success (bc it’s her own rigidity within herself that keeps her standing i think) and I Like Tragic Characters (and it’s very elinor dashwood). because it’s one of the qualities that can throw her character into a villainous light & it’s really interesting !! but at the same time.. it’s not quite ‘pride’ purely, and it’s kinda the wrong word. it’s some mixture of determined/stubbon, anger, self-reliance, and that really hard veneer of personality u develop when you’re around people who aren’t healthy for you to be around, and the very very critical need to be right about the choices you made because the weight of the  consequences would kinda ruin you if you weren’t. (the dean winchester effect huh) and wrap that up together with a big scoop of ‘i believe my way is right’ (’and my way Has to be right’) and then u get a lot of what i LOVE about Edelgard’s character

My favourite thing about Dorothea is really how she was the character that Hated the war. genuinely the contrast between white clouds dorothea & timeskip dorothea Breaks My Heart EVery Time I See Her !!!!! that and Spoilers!!! (her last words in AM unrecruited is edelgards name and i literally had to stop and cry about it for five minutes.) she’s one of the characters that post-war doesn’t have a Massive political stake in the war - like there’s her anger towards the current class system (another reason i bloody love her PLEASE give me angry feminine characters) but i think it’s her bonds with edie (or byleth&whoever if recruited) that keep her actually fighting in the war & it’s kinda different and i like that (actually i think she parallels/sends up/contrasts really really nicely with mercedes in that way)

my favourite thing about Marianne is just everything. how she finds worth within herself if you play VW (and the very very harrowing hc that she didn’t if you don’t), how she’s full of a quiet rage for the crest system but you eek it out of her as you play the game. how she’s still loved by the deers despite her appalling mental health (fight me on that canon) and the game essentially has her ‘save’ herself by finding worth and life within herself. i love her so much ok. (i also love her because she committed identity theft.. she and i share a name with the second dashwood sister oho (but i don’t use that name on the internet hhh) (also because my favourite shakespeare play is king lear (no really it is), my birthday is in red wolf moon too, i used to have very long hair i wore in a plait most days for school, little 11 and 17 year old me acted Exactly like white clouds marianne did & genuinely i love marianne von edmund to pieces but God it hurts to see her in game sometimes bc her journey mirrors a lot of mine & i love this character. so much.) WOW that was a lot. am i sure im not still drunk

so claude is not only one of my favourite characters in the whole damn game, but also shares the name of one of my favourite painters so i simply have to love him ;p however i can’t give a proper opinion on him yet because i haven’t finished playing deers yet :( but !! i love how (as is with all the lords) he has a veneer of personality to him, but in contrast to Edie where it’s quite seemless with her actual personality, Claude’s veneer of personality seems very opaque and plastered on. i may or may not just be wildly imagining things but he’s a very different personality in his lower supports with Lysithea than he is in his B support with Marianne, for instance. like, i love characters that are obviously a lot more socially intelligent than i could ever be, and claude is *chef kiss* BEAUTIFUL ON EVERY LEVEL.

i’d wax lyrical about Ingrid too but honestly there’s many better people out there with the good ingrid content than i could do. shortly, i love the New Take on the pegasus knight archetype she brings, and i really like her perspective on femininity !!! she’s such a good character & she brings so much to the game and to the pegasus knight character too!!!!! she’s such a bright personality and altho i wish so many of her supports weren’t centred around make-up (hhh dorogrid fans i pray for you), i think she’s really going to pave the way for whoever’s next in that character slot. (like, you can’t tell me she’s not an offshoot of Phila from awakening lmao)

no ok i’m adding in Hubert because i love this vampire man. i really really love the devoted servant archetype and we all know i love edelgard’s tragedy. and i love hubert. so much. the way he enables edelgard in pretty much everything is just so so interesting to think about, and i love his intensity about it. he’s like the ever present reminder that edelgard’s will kinda has to work otherwise the potential consequences of her being wrong are personified in hubert imo. it’s only touched on in VW in his letter but like. god i wish we got more but it’s a wonderful starting block. i love his comic relief as well, he’s such a fun character to have !!!! and also i have so many hubert fics in my bookmarks that just Get him. i love hubert. oh i love hubert.

i’m going to cut myself off there because . that’s just a LOT. 

as for characters i would sell a limb to have them talk to each other, honestly it’s Edelgard/Marianne. (and only 51% because of all the projection i have going on with those two ok don’t at me i  k n o w). that support chain would be too powerful and honestly i wish they had one becuauese it would have gone so Hard about what Edelgard was doing and what Marianne thought about it, and how they connected over it & they probably would have had their supports set over cups of tea or smth .. it would have been amazing. 

(but i’d rather have nothing than an awakening-level-content support where they talk about eating fucking bear meat instead of talking about how they grew to trust each other with and their ability to save the fate of the world HUH AWAKENING. (i’m salty about fredrobin forever)

also hilda/dorothea supports . we were robbed. they’re best friends and you can’t actually tell me otherwise. they run the disaster bi chat of garreg mach. honestly i just would Love a support chain for them that starts with them talking about self care routines and something really small like accessories or perfume and it goes into how self-esteem and how dorothea has to find the same worth in herself as hilda so easily can. (hilda’s the queen of self esteem she’s a babe) and in CF they could have dialogue and then we cry about it. and in SS they talk about how they both chose their place with Byleth and not at edie/claude’s side like i’m just free balling here it could be Anything and i’d love it. 

also big shocker .. dorothea/marianne supports . they both hate themselves in their profile CAN THEY PLEASE CHAT. 

also i accidentally fell in love with the claude/edelgard ship and i desperately need them to interact on the same level that edie and dimitri get to because.. aren’t there supposed to be three main characters huh intsys .. and like i get what the game goes for with two of the lords embroiled in a personal war against each other at the heart and the third actually finding something close to the truth because he’s not involved in age old grudge matches but at the same time That’s one of the things that really really falls flat for me in the game. dimitri’s villain is edie, edie’s villain is big dragon wife, claude’s villain is the lack of communication that everyone in fodlan suffers from apparently. lack of communication and lies. ymmv with what im saying rn but i would have preferred if all three lords had strong personal ties to each other and in Each Route it was brought up. or just snip dimitri’s dialogue out of CF because i have beef with how that WHOLE moment went down on so many accounts hhhh honestly it makes me angerey to think about lol

.. back on topic- can the lords pls talk to each other because it would be SO interesting in white clouds and i like seeing how their personality presentations clash

also . can i marry manuela yet. my crops are dying here.

.. im so sorry about this but it’s midnight and i’m too tired to edit so. have this. thank you so much for the questions!!!! very kind (and brave) of you to ask me!!!!! i had a lot of fun writing all of this & as always if anything you didn’t quite /get/ i’m happy to re-explain myself!! :)

[amuelle]

The Finale…

2016:

The first attempt at changing cities did not work out for me. It did not work out at all and by the time I decided to come back home I was very very down trodden. All the same, it was my birthday and I had a new dress and awesome friends to enjoy the day with. I saw him again.  We laughed about my impromptu visit and just like that we were back to slow dancing in a burning room. On and on and on it went but this time I had RESTRAINT. No more ditching my friends, no late night rendezvous and most certainly no texts, calls or conversation that weren’t in person. I wasn’t dating, I was just different. My times when I was low he had been there for me, not because he wanted to but because I had asked. It was a wonderfully nice thing of him to do but still it just didn’t hit the crescendo I needed.  

Later that year a job found me and as I started to remember what its like to have power. I started looking at things differently. If he had really been the guy even for the moment, I wouldn’t always drop him when what felt like a better option came along. He was still in the same situation as before which to me meant he hadnt grown or he had lied all along or…whatever it was, it was all too much. At this point he meant nothing to me. Or at least I did a great job convincing myself he didn’t. Time passed.

2017:

For my 30th birthday I decided to get married to the most beautiful woman in the world. The one who knew all my secrets, laughed at my jokes and always reminded me that everyone makes mistakes but it takes a bad bitch to own it, forgive herself and move on. As with any wedding once the guest list is decided the gown must be purchased. I had to go shopping for a dress and shoes and this particular Friday night (a week before my birthday) one of my best friends had strongly encouraged me to hit the town with her.  I obliged because she was always fun. I love a pretty girl who likes cocktails and meaningful conversation. We hit the town looking cute. It had been months since I had seen Dark Adonis, I knew he lived and breathed but he was no longer a factor in my life. That’s why he was able to catch me unaware.

That night he floated on the breeze smelling like seduction and looking like cake. I really thought I had the spine to decline an offer to drink and dance into sunrise. I didn’t. So like old times we danced and drank in the hot air balloon of our affection, blown up by our delusions slowly but surely rising into the truth which was as wide as the sky. I stumbled into my parent’s house at 6:30 the next morning and for some reason the whole house was awake which was SO unusual. I was still drunk but managed to shower change and mission to Bloem to shop. The dress found me and I was all set!

Sometime during the week I had let it slip that my affections for the man were still alive. To which the response was ‘I wonder how his girlfriend would feel about that?” Shocked, I probed further. I would become aware that he was STILL with the on again, off again, not together but together girlfriend and this time the disappointment was unimaginable. I told the story to friends in search of solace. One friend decided to investigate the matter and confirmed that it was an absolute truth. They were back together. They had been back together for a while now and as he danced with me the weekend before, he had not felt it to be something worth sharing. I had already reached my highest level of clowning with this man so instead of having a conversation with him I decided to cut ties for good and for real. I was on the cusp of my 30th birthday. I was about to be a real woman. As I looked out over my plantation of fucks thriving green and healthy I thought to pick one and give a fuck about him and then I remembered he doesn’t give a fuck about me. This time I wasn’t angry, hurt or disappointed. I chalked it up to the game and put ointment on my now very very burnt fingers.

Saturday: 

Birthday: 

FABULOSITY!!! 

The dinner was amazing, afterwards we had to hit CLX for a night cap. Shots and drunk dancing and then it came to me, that familiar scent of seduction and for a moment I drifted away on the possibility that there might be something left  to figure out but there wasn’t. Adonis flashed that million dollar smile, hugged me and I had to catch myself. For a brief moment, I was taken and then it all came rushing back to me, where I was, who I was talking to and most importantly, WHO I NOW WAS!!!!

Dark Adonis: Is this the dress we went on the mission for?

Me: Yes. This is the dress.

(Takes my hand and spins me around)

Dark Adonis: You look amazing.

Me: Just amazing?

Dark Adonis: I tell you all the time, you are beautiful.

Me: (blushes) Thank you.

Dark Adonis: How are you getting home?

Me: I have friends, there are cabs, I’m not sure yet but I’m sure I will get home.

Dark Adonis: I’ll take you home if you want me to..

That didn’t mean him just dropping me off at the gate. I knew exactly what it meant but the combination of white wine and Jägermeister had given me courage. The same courage I had the night I was trampling the flowers in his flower bed the year before. He knew EXACTLY how I felt about him. I had told him but still he had found a way to bruise my ego and I had come back for more time and time again….NOT TODAY!

Me: Are you single?

Dark Adonis: ( shifts uncomfortably)

Me: Answer my question. Are you single?

Dark Adonis: You know my situation.

Me: Good, that’s all I needed to know. You don’t need to worry about how I’m getting home. You don’t ever need to worry again. We can’t ever be more than this. You have bruised my ego enough don’t you think?

The blood rushed out of his face. We were both shocked. Me that I could be so honest and him because of all the women in the world the last one who would ever say no to him was me. That was true, the me he had known would have never said no. She was desperate for him. He didn’t know new me. New me was a bad ass!!!

I thought for days and days on end that I shouldn’t have spoken to him like that. He just wanted to make sure I got home. He had treated me with such disregard so many times. How could he take me seriously if I didn’t take myself seriously enough to make it known that I could take no more. I’m not even going to create the illusion that I was over him at the time. I wasn’t but that didn’t  mean I didn’t know it was time to let go. Too much had happened. A part of me had hoped he would lie, tell me what I wanted to hear and all would be well again. Nothing could be well again. We were now who  we were, the way we were. More grown and jaded because we had both put the other through a lot.

(My name is Amo Elle, I’m a junkie for Dark Adonis. I am two years, six months and twenty five days Dark Adonis free. I’d be lying if I said it was easy but it was certainly worth it)

Bisou…bisou

[writesandramblings]

The Captain’s Secret - p.78

“We Get What We Deserve”

A/N: This chapter concludes the events of episode 10, "Despite Yourself," and continues with the events of episode 11, "The Wolf Inside."

Full Chapter List Part 1 - Objects in Motion << 77 - Hook Line and Sinker  79 - People They Come Together >>

The brig on the ISS Shenzhou was exactly as Lorca remembered it. The three agony booths, the crackle of torture devices, the unending screams. Two of the booths were occupied. The third had been emptied for Lorca, its former occupant shunted over to the containment pen to sit and enjoy what little respite the too-bright lights of the pen offered.

"Only the finest agonizer booth reserved for the treacherous Lorca," Connor announced. Lorca resigned himself to step inside it. At least the booth had been sanitized recently. The only thing worse than getting into an agony booth was getting into one that was already drenched in someone else's urine.

"Absolutely not," said Burnham.

Connor and Lorca turned towards Burnham, Lorca's alarm evident on his face. Was she trying to spare him this? That was a mercy Terrans did not give. Connor was equally confused.

Burnham's response to this silent question was to shout. Not the kind of calm, commanding, scathingly dangerous tone that would have shut Connor down completely, but a shout that just seemed to be for the sake of shouting. There was a forced insincerity to it. "What did I say to you! I do not want some overzealous guard killing him before I have the chance. I would punish the entire ship for an error that grave!"

Lorca winced. He probably should have told Burnham what agony booths were, but he could not explain to her how he knew; the booths were so ubiquitous they did not merit definition in the rebel data core. It also felt like there was a plaintive note of desperation in her voice. Not only did it remind him yet again she was not his Michael, it might spell their downfall if she failed to convince the Shenzhou's crew of her strength.

"We would never allow him the release of death, captain," Connor assured her.

"See to it that he is installed properly here," Burnham said, addressing the brig security chief and Tyler, and still sounding entirely too unconfident. Thankfully, she finally hit her stride. "I need to access my files. Escort me to the ready room." She strode away with Connor.

The brig commander issued some quick orders. Double-check the monitoring systems, set low thresholds for the alarms that warned when someone was entering potentially deadly distress. (Alarms which were usually turned off. People sentenced to spend time in agony booths were typically expendable.)

Lorca was mildly annoyed by this result. He did not need to be coddled where agony booths were concerned. He also noticed Tyler seemed slightly dazed and decided the best thing to do was also the thing that came most naturally to him.

"Well, now that it's just us chickens, who’s up for a little mutiny? I'll make it worth your while." He smirked. He received only silent glares in response, but it was his way of signaling to Tyler that everything was fine.

Tyler’s expression showed no sign of reassurance at the joke. He looked as dazed as before. Lorca's eyebrows knit in momentary concern. Tyler's head was not in the game. He needed Tyler in the game more than ever because he was counting on Tyler to protect Burnham.

The security chief came and removed his restraints, then shoved him backwards into the booth. Lorca smirked at her. "Maybe you'd like to come in here, too? I can show you a good—" He never finished. The door clicked shut and the booth turned on and he screamed as his skin seemed to light on fire with electricity. Every nerve, every synapse lit up with pain. He had to fight to keep his hands from clawing at his face—that was a rookie mistake where agony booths were concerned, and he was no rookie. As he screamed and screamed and screamed, he forgot all about Tyler.

Connor picked up on the flaws in Burnham's performance. Even if he had not, her demise was the only way for him to keep his captaincy of the Shenzhou. He came at her in the turbolift between the brig and the bridge. Burnham was forced to defend herself, stabbing him with his own knife and feeling a rising panic as his eyes went wide at the realization that his life was ending.

It was the second time Burnham had watched him die, and even though Connor had tried to kill her, it felt as horrible as the first. When the turbolift doors opened and his lifeless body spilled out onto the bridge, the crew assembled there began to applaud. Crew with familiar faces: Kayla Detmer, currently Discovery's helmsman and formerly helmsman of the USS Shenzhou, standing as the ISS Shenzhou's first officer. Around her, Weetan, Januzzi, Gant—officers Burnham had served with and known for years, but complete strangers as they applauded Connor's death.

She was glad for the solitude of the ready room and equally saddened by it. It had the same dimensions and layout as the ready room of the USS Shenzhou. She and Captain Georgiou had spent so many hours in there, planning missions and reporting to Starfleet and reviewing ship operations. This room was different, darker, and decorated to be faintly menacing, but it was familiar all the same.

That was the worst thing, she decided as she scanned for the Defiant files. Everything here felt familiar yet wrong, like looking at yourself in an unmirrored photograph.

She found the files. There was a problem. The data was massive, encrypted, and behind a formidable firewall. It could not be transmitted off the ship undetected.

After dealing with general ship matters and receiving a comprehensive update on the Shenzhou's status, Burnham retired for the night into the captain's quarters. It was a relief when Tyler contacted her on the comms. "How's the captain?" she asked.

She could hear Tyler exhale heavily. "It was... horrible. He's hanging in there..."

The captain was not her only concern. She could only imagine how that scene had looked to Tyler after surviving Klingon prison for seven months. Her voice softened. "How are you?"

"I wish I were with you."

Burnham wished that, too. "We should keep a low profile for now." Talking was some comfort, so they did that for a few minutes and then Burnham slept as best she could in a bed that was not her own on a ship where it felt like the shadows were filled with daggers.

In the morning, she beelined for the brig. She could hear the screams from the hallway. The first thing she saw when the doors opened was Lorca in the same agony booth as the day before.

Burnham addressed the brig commander. "I want to speak to the prisoner. Alone. Clear out this rabble." It was a fierce, determined voice, entirely what it needed to be. If Lorca had been aware enough to hear it, he would have described it as steel and approved entirely.

"As you command, captain," said the brig commander. She rounded up the brig's other occupants with brutal efficiency and herded them away, the brig guards following. Burnham and Lorca were alone but the room was still filled with the sounds of Lorca's screaming. It was a different scream than Tyler had observed the day previous; lower, hoarser, more of a keening than a full-throated sound.

Burnham went to the brig console and found the command to turn off the booth. Lorca's voice terminated into a gasp and he sank down in the booth with exhausted relief. Burnham dashed over and opened the door.

Lorca looked up at her, breathing heavily. "Oh," he said, and managed to swallow. "It's you." He closed his eyes and relaxed, his breaths leveling out into a slow, even rhythm.

Burnham crouched down and tried to help him up, but he waved her off.

"Just... give me a minute."

He seemed utterly exhausted. "Were you in here all night?"

Lorca gave a snort of amusement. "Is it morning already?"

Burnham stared. How could they keep someone in this state for such prolonged periods? "Sir, at this rate, I'm uncertain how much more of this you can take." The stress alone seemed potentially fatal.

"Ah, they pull you out when you lose consciousness," he told her, managing a smile. "I just haven’t yet. Guess I'm made of pretty strong stuff." It was a point of personal pride. He could go longer in an agony booth than almost anybody.

He motioned for Burnham to help him up. He stood up straight and tall and stepped out of the booth, rotating his shoulders to ease the stiffness out of them. Noting Burnham's continued look of concern, Lorca offered, "I'm fine. Good thing I skipped breakfast. Hate to embarrass myself the way some others have." He looked over at the adjacent booths. That was another rookie mistake. The smell in the brig really was abominable. "I think I'll use this opportunity to avail myself of the facilities if you don't mind."

She turned her back while he did. The containment pen seemed to have no privacy settings. Apparently even that simple courtesy was beyond Terrans.

"I'm truly sorry about this, captain. If I could get you out of here without arousing suspicion, I would."

Lorca was touched by the concern but shrugged it off as he returned to the central section of the brig. "I've been through worse."

It was hard to imagine what was worse than this. "The Klingons?"

"If you like," said Lorca dismissively. Burnham realized her guess was wrong.

"The Buran," she tried again.

Lorca looked at her calmly. "I know pain, Michael," he said. "I think we both do. Whatever this is..." He gestured at the agony booth. "It doesn't compare to that."

Her parents. He was talking about the death of her parents. Burnham felt a small well of sympathy she had thought buried with the memory of her parents' deaths long ago.

Seeing that sympathy, Lorca smiled. It was good to know, under all that Vulcan nonsense, she was still as human as he was. He treasured that right now, because for a moment, he felt like he was looking at a different Michael Burnham.

Some part of him wanted to reach out, embrace her the way he had embraced the woman whose face she shared, but he knew better. There was no pretending his Michael was anything other than dead and, in more ways than he could express, this Burnham was not her. He was simply grateful that the universe had provided him opportunity to see her again.

"Sir, I have an update on the Defiant files..."

There she was, all-business Burnham. Right on cue. He listened to the update with mild agitation. When she was done, he said, "I know you can do this. Keep at it. The sooner we get those files back to Discovery, the sooner you and I can both get out of here." There was an easy answer to getting the files but he could not tell it to her because, again, how would he explain the knowledge? So many things he could not say.

He stepped back into the agony booth.

"Maybe I can adjust the settings, make it less..."

Lorca smiled and turned away because he did not want her to see the regret in his face. "It's fine. I can take it." Had he looked at her, he would have seen her sympathy a thousand times magnified, and a horrible regret to match his own as she closed the door and turned the booth back on.

The pain made the heartache go away. The pain made everything go away. As he screamed, it even made Burnham go away, because she could not watch the horrible writhing of a man she respected as her captain. Lorca pressed his hands against the walls of the booth and screamed and screamed. There was something freeing in it, in not have to think of anything, of screaming without end.

Besides, some part of him felt he deserved it for failing his Michael Burnham.

The security chief and guards were in the hall. They wordlessly returned to their posts. Burnham noticed the other prisoners were not waiting in the hall with them. Detmer's voice came over the comms. "We're ready for you in transporter room one, captain."

In the transporter room, Burnham found the brig's three former guests arrayed on the pad like offerings for inspection. Detmer stood at the ready and exchanged a nod of greeting with Burnham.

Detmer spoke to the assembled prisoners. "You are all guilty of malicious thoughts against your emperor. By order of the sovereign Terran Empire, I hereby sentence you to death."

Burnham felt her eyes widen slightly and fought to keep her face impassive as the three figures were enveloped in particles of white streaked with gold. They were being beamed out to space where they would suffocate and freeze in the vacuum. All Burnham's time at the Vulcan Science Academy, fighting to keep her emotions in check around her Vulcan classmates, was being pushed to its limits. She turned from the empty transporter pad and strode out.

Lorca had warned her. Her decency in taking the time to speak with him had been a weakness. Those three crewmen had paid for that weakness with their lives.

The news of Culber's death took the crew of Discovery by surprise. It was as if the darkness of this universe had infected the ship. The fact that the murder had been perpetrated by Stamets made it even worse.

Sylvia Tilly was still having trouble with this turn of events. Even in his worst moments of delirium, she could not see Stamets as being capable of murdering his own husband and dragging the body down to deck twelve undetected, but apparently that was what had happened. That said something to Tilly. In a very real sense, that person who had stumbled out of the spore chamber after the jump had not been Paul Stamets, and she intended to prove it.

As the ship shifted over to night, Tilly headed to the engineering bay and pulled a canister of spores from the wall. She informed the other engineer in the room she was taking it for a comparative analysis to try and determine if a property variance had caused the universe jump (just in case anyone asked) and proceeded to deck nine.

O'Malley was on the door. He and Larsson were on twelve-and-twelve solo shifts now out of necessity, not that anyone else on the ship really knew or noticed. "Captain," he greeted, displaying the same sort of jaunty irreverence as he had used the first time he met Lorca.

Tilly smiled, glad for a small spot of light in these dark times. "Delivery!"

Normally, the spore delivery was conducted entirely in the security area, but today, Mischkelovitz directed Tilly to bring the spores all the way inside. It did not escape Tilly's notice that Mischkelovitz's nose and eyes were red from recent crying. "You're not going to take them into..." Tilly wondered what to call the crawlspace.

"No need," said Mischkelovitz, gesturing to the security monitors up by the ceiling. "Captain's not on the ship. He won't see." She directed Tilly to put the canister on the table and went to open a wall panel.

Tilly decided to ask now before she lost her nerve. "I've been bringing you a lot of spores. I was wondering if you might be willing to help me with something in return?"

"Okay," said Mischkelovitz, opening a conduit to load the spores into.

The words came flowing out of Tilly like a broken fire hydrant. "The jumps have affected Lieutenant Stamets brain, and ever since the last jump, it's like his brain is stuck and that's what made him kill Dr. Culber, because the Paul Stamets I know would never do anything like that! He injected himself with alien DNA rather than let Ripper suffer, he hates seeing anyone suffer. I need your help to fix him, to make him himself again. Lieutenant Stamets is always saying physics is biology, so I was hoping maybe we could try and make medicine like engineering and fix him that way?"

Mischkelovitz gaped. Tilly winced, knowing her verbal hemorrhage could have that effect on people sometimes, but Mischkelovitz's shock was due to something else. "Hugh is dead?" Her jaw began to tremble. Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks.

"I didn't realize—" Tilly paled. Of course Mischkelovitz did not know. She rarely left her lab and never spoke to anyone on the ship outside the small circle of Lab 26 personnel. Tilly clenched her hands. Mischkelovitz was so jumpy Tilly was not sure if she should try to hug the other woman or not, but standing around doing nothing felt wrong. She tentatively reached over and put a hand on Mischkelovitz's shoulder.

"I'm okay, I'm okay!" went Mischkelovitz, wiping her face furiously. "What happened?"

"They think... they think that he had an episode and ran away and Dr. Culber chased him and Paul... Lieutenant Stamets snapped his neck."

Mischkelovitz's breaths came in rapid, ragged gasps. "They think?"

"That's what Commander Saru told me happened." Tilly gulped. "But Lieutenant Stamets couldn't do something like that! He wouldn't!"

With a series of long, shuddering breaths, Mischkelovitz seemed to get hold of herself. She knew what it was to be blamed for and even responsible for the death of someone you loved through no intentional fault of your own. "Okay," she managed, and nodded. "I'll help."

The spores lay untouched on the table as Mischkelovitz and Tilly went over Stamets' brain scans. The changes to the white matter and cerebral blood flow, suggestions for how to undo or repair the damage in some way, they went over it all. Mischkelovitz managed to explain the neurological processes in ways Tilly could understand clearly, a task which was made more difficult by occasional verbal slip-ups: "mite whatter" instead of "white matter," "teurological nissue" for "neurological tissue." It seemed the more technical Mischkelovitz's words became, the more the letters rearranged themselves.

The conclusion of their assessment was that much of Stamets' brain had been rendered nonfunctional as a result of the structural changes to the organ. Thankfully, the situation was far from hopeless. "You're right," said Mischkelovitz, "it's a ratter of medirecting the pathways, but medical intervention can't do it. He's part of the network. You have to reroute the network."

Tilly's eyes went wide. "Of course!" The network that needed rerouting was the pathways forged by the mycelial link. "The spores changed the structure, they can change it again."

"You just have to be careful to change it to the right structure. Here." Mischkelovitz brought up an earlier brain scan of Stamets; the one Lorca had provided her when she okayed him for that last jump. "You can use this as a template."

Tilly beamed. "Thank you so much, Dr. Mischkelovitz."

Mischkelovitz blinked a few times. "You... you can call me Mischka."

"I can?"

Mischkelovitz nodded rapidly. "It was nice having a partner again. Maybe... maybe if I can find myself here..."

That threw Tilly for a loop. "You want to work with the other you? Isn't she a bad person? It seems like all the people here are... the worst version of us. My doppelganger has killed dozens of people!" Captain Killy had, in fact, killed hundreds, but in this instance, Tilly was referring only to those deaths Killy had performed with her own two hands.

"Maybe," said Mischkelovitz quietly, "but if I could just find me, maybe I can be two people again."

It was tragically sad. Mischkelovitz seemed to think she could replace Milosz with her evil twin. Tilly was not sure what to say to that. "Maybe," she offered after a moment. "Thanks again."

As the doors cycled, Mischkelovitz's odd desire lingered in Tilly's thoughts. She almost forgot O'Malley was outside. Tilly startled when he asked her, "You were in there a while. Everything all right?"

Nothing was all right, but Tilly was starting to feel like it might be better soon. "Uh, yeah! Just... Dr. Mischkelovitz and her husband really had a special connection."

"Oh?" prompted O'Malley. "How d'you know that?"

"They recorded these research logs. It was like..."

O'Malley smiled softly. "Like the same person in two places?"

Tilly was surprised. That described what she had seen perfectly. "Exactly! Did you know Milosz Mischkelovitz?"

"I've known them both since they were eight," said O'Malley, smile deepening into one of genuine affection at the memory.

"You grew up with them?"

O'Malley started to laugh quietly. "Emellia is my sister," he said in proud explanation. "And my favorite person in two universes." That fact suddenly amused him, fraught as it was with the unfortunate nature of their circumstances.

Tilly's eyes went wide as saucers. "I have a million questions!"

O'Malley considered that. As far as crewmembers went, Tilly was right up there with Saru in his estimation. She was amiable, cheerful, intelligent, generous, and kind, but her overly eager nature and willingness to stumble into making mistakes did not make her a very popular person. A bit of an outcast, really. At the beginning of the voyage, she had tried to join the family dinner in the mess hall and they'd turned her away. O'Malley now realized they had done themselves a grave disservice with that action. "Well, I've got nothing but time."

"Really?"

"I mean, I can't promise I'll answer everything, but I'm standing around all night either way."

Though her uniform gave the appearance of Terran scourge Captain Killy, the eager look of excitement on Tilly's face was anything but. "Tell me everything!"

He wouldn't, of course, but he knew enough minor, unincriminating anecdotes to entertain. "So there was this one time, when Mischka was ten..."

In the morning, Saru and Tilly contacted Burnham for an update on the mission. Saru chose not to inform her of Culber's death. It would only distract Burnham from her task. Besides, there was nothing at this point any of them could do.

Stamets lay strapped down to a medical bed, restraints across his torso, arms, and legs. He was completely immobilized. There was no way he would escape again. His milky-white eyes stared unmoving at the ceiling, only the beeps of the medical monitors signaling that he was still alive.

Tilly hated seeing Stamets in this condition, but Saru was adamant the restraints were needed. "If Lieutenant Stamets killed Culber, he may be a danger to all of us." That Stamets was not the real suspect was a fact known only to a few. Circumstances were bad enough without the crew thinking they had a potential murderer roaming the ship who could freeze time and strike anyone, anywhere. Circumstances were bad enough with everyone thinking Stamets had murdered his husband.

"He only escaped because the containment field was disabled," said Tilly. She had not thought to raise it after seeing Stamets; neither had the nurse. In fairness, it was hard to notice a lack of something in the room, particularly when Stamets had seemed so largely unresponsive. "Culber probably lowered it himself. Who could stand to see the person they love in a cage?"

"Perhaps that was his fatal error," mused Saru. At present, he and Groves were operating under the theory that Stamets had gotten out of sickbay, wandered down to deck twelve, and Culber had tracked him there, encountering Allan. Allan then killed Culber, framed Stamets, and deleted the relevant security footage. The theory was not perfect, there were a lot of questions like why Allan would kill instead of just disappearing as he seemed readily able to, but it was a solid theory.

Tilly's reply was immediate. "Stamets didn't kill anyone."

"Are you suggesting there's a murderer running free on our ship?" asked Saru, concerned. Because Allan had always kept himself on the fringes of everything, never getting directly involved, no one seemed yet to realize his absence. That could surely only last so long.

"No!" exclaimed Tilly. "I'm saying that this... this is not Paul Stamets." She brought up Stamets' brain scan on the nearest display and outlined for Saru the details of her discussion with Mischkelovitz. "This was an unfortunate consequence of an addled mind trying to reach beyond a cloud of confusion. We are losing him, commander, and fast."

"The lieutenant's health it in the hands of our medical officers," said Saru somberly.

"Medicine isn't working! This is a spore issue. Which means no one is more qualified to treat him than I am." Before the mirror universe, such an outburst would have been entirely out of character for Tilly. Some combination of the role she had been forced to assume as Captain Killy and her desperation to save Stamets had combined to produce a forcefulness within her. It surprised her as much as it did Saru. She quickly tempered her outburst with a plea. "Please? Let me bring him back."

As he looked down at Stamets, Saru thought that this was not what Culber would have wanted. "Very well," he said, though some part of him doubted Tilly would be able to succeed where Culber had not. They had to try, at least. For the memory of Hugh Culber.

Part 79

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Your July Horoscope Is Here and Thinks You’re Doing Great, Sweetie

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Your July Horoscope Is Here and Thinks You’re Doing Great, Sweetie

Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the excessive exclamation points, but I’ve heard that the artist formerly known as “repel-o-scopes” inhabits one of the few cheerful, sunshiney corners of the internet — the kind where you can feel free to make a mini horse reference, which is usually the only kind worth making, imo.

Amelia already clued you in that someone would be hijacking hers and Susan Miller’s well-oiled machine this month, but allow me to officially introduce myself. I write the monthly astrology-meets-personality columns on Man Repeller that you know and love (or that you never read and don’t care for. Whatever. I’m a Leo and I never get offended. I also never bring up the fact that I’m a Leo, like, ever).

If you do know me at all, you know that I think the stars are my dearest friends and that astrology, in its most basic essence, is a vehicle for self-discovery. Full disclosure, I wholeheartedly love anything that claims to know me on an unreachable molecular level. (I’m an INFJ, in case you were wondering.) I also ask this question whenever I meet someone new: If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be? Hmu in the comments with your answer and let me know your zodiac sign as well for an extremely un-scientific study I’m working on. Hint: Every Cancer I’ve ever met has reminded me of lychee.

I may not know as much as our friends at AstrologyZone, but I do know that by the end of July, FIVE PLANETS will be in retrograde, so you may be needing guidance. Let’s get into it.

Cancer

Speaking of lychee: throw some into a flute with peach juice and sparkling wine and you’ve got yourself an Instagram-ready birthday cocktail!!! Drink a few and document the whole experience. You deserve it.

You also deserve a fun-filled birthday month, wherein you hear the phrase “ask and you shall receive” aplenty. Luckily, that’s exactly what the planets are poised to give you! Since Cancer is ruled by the moon, you will float through July largely unaffected by the multiple retrogrades; instead, on the 13th, your floating rock in the sky will give you a little birthday present in the form of a new moon.

New moons offer new perspectives, fresh starts and opportunities for personal rejuvenation. When a new moon hangs out in the Cancer constellation, it’s even more sensitive to your needs and emotions, which makes this one especially powerful. In other words: cancel plans and treat yourself. I won’t tell you to grab a bath bomb and settle in with a candle or two, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

We’re not done yet! More good news aplenty!!! (I’m really into that word right now.) The 5th is a good day to flirt up a storm, since you’ll be getting a boost from lucky Jupiter and magnetic Scorpio. Your charms will be downright irresistible and it would honestly be rude not to take advantage. (If you’re already in a relationship: so? You can still flirt up a storm.) Plus, you’ll be able to pull off any look, so throw on some lingerie and a maybe some dad sneakers, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Leo

Hey fellow sun babies! It’s not our time to shine just yet, although I know we all hate hearing that. I guess technically, for a Leo, it’s always time to shine. This is especially true if you’ve been using this summer to indulge in some bright orange highlighter and bejewled eye lewks, which I think you should.

You probably already know this, but the start of Leo season on the 22nd will bring a rush of white-hot energy. You may not know that shortly after, the 26th might put a damper on your plans to enlist your squad to photograph you in various thirst trap poses by the pool. That’s right, folks: Mercury turns retrograde in Leo at the end of this month and everything will be ruined.

Just kidding! As the old saying goes (?), a little retrograde doesn’t get a lion down. You’ll probably just feel a bit extra frustrated by flaky friends and a bit more sensitive when it comes to criticism. It’s important to remember, especially when Mercury retrograde welcomes an overflow of miscommunication, not to take everything so personally. Go ahead and delete that Slack message to your boss because responding to your email with “sounds good” and no punctuation does not mean that she’s mad at you.

Virgo

Crack open that Febreze ‘cause you’ll be the life of the party this month! By “life,” of course, I mean the caring, responsible voice of reason and by “ party” I mean July’s petri dish of emotional upheaval. It’s a good thing you always carry hand sanitizer, tissues and a label maker because July might get messy (for everyone else).

For you, dear Virgo, July will see your relationships thrive. On the 10th, you will welcome Venus into your midst and she is one saucy minx. Venus is the planet of love, affection, beauty, harmony and — excellent news! — she is sailing straight through the sky. No retrograde nonsense here! People will gravitate towards you during this time, asking for advice or perhaps a shoulder to cry on.

Now enough about everyone else, let’s focus on your own specific agenda (I know, I know, I’ll stop flirting. I know you love a good plan). On the 12th, you’ll be promotion-level productive, so make sure you have plenty of coffee at your disposal. You’ll feel the urge to work on the 14th but it’s a Saturday so put the damn computer down and go for a walk; this is actually a great day to be personally productive, so call your mom or enjoy a date night. The 22nd will be the best of all, but it’ll also be full of surprises, so I can’t tell you why.

Libra

There aren’t any fun zodiac-themed greetings for Libras because what kind of cute joke can you make about scales? Who decided that Libra would be the only sign represented by an inanimate object? If I were one of you, I would sue. (Also notable: When I began to search “why is Libra represented by an object” the first thing to auto-fill was “why is Libra the best sign,” which, true.)

But anyway, hey! You cuties can pretty much kick back this month. Nothing’s floating in or around your aura, and your ruling planet is hanging out with Virgo, which will have a significant chilling effect on your loud-ass mental whirrings. Three cheers for a good night’s sleep!

Not to sound like your mom or your money-tracking app, but the beginning of July would be a great time to balance your budget. Jupiter’s final days of retrograde will seriously impact your impulse control. Since you already gravitate towards pretty things and warm weather can feel like an invitation for an all-new wardrobe, this is a good time to practice financial restraint — mostly because you’ll probably fail, but at least you’ll have some perriwinkle hoop earrings that you bought on sale to comfort you.

One expense the stars will encourage this month is travel. Quit eyeing that ridiculously cheap round-trip flight to Paris and grab a baguette instead! You probably can’t take it on the plane but, you know, it’ll get you in the mood.

Scorpio

My regrettable ex-boyfriend is a Scorpio which leads me to believe that you’ll be causing trouble this month, but I would say that every month, so I’ll try to put my personal biases aside for now (even though everyone has an ex who’s a Scorpio; it’s kind of your thing).

On the 10th, Jupiter will leave retrograde and that is such good news. It’s especially fortunate for you since Jupiter has been hanging out with the cluster of stars that allegedly resembles a scorpion, so you’ll probably feel a sudden wave of confidence and electricity. This is an excellent time to take risks and watch them pay off — right in front of your very eyes! Be bold with your propositions and you may just find yourself on a date around the 22nd. If romance doesn’t interest you right now, get your friends together and indulge in a heart-to-heart. Venus’ understanding, compassionate energy will be on your side.

Also, a word of caution: I said “take risks” and “be bold” but I did NOT say “act without thinking” and “be impulsive.” Jupiter’s morale boost will last for some time, so don’t rush into anything! July’s blessings will come in the form of a slow burn, so chill out as much as you can. Drive around at twilight and blast Drake, as you are wont to do. His brand new album Scorpion has 25 freaking songs which is, length-wise, basically the rapper’s version of Avengers: Infinity War, so you don’t have to worry about getting bored. Plus, there’s a track called “Emotionless” AND one called “In My Feelings,” so if this isn’t a Scorpio’s ideal soundtrack of extremes then idk what is. Bottom line, marinate with your options before hopping on a flight to Vegas and betting it all on black 15 (…just my ex? No? Okay).

Sagittarius

Alright my celestial equestrians, you can finally stop tripping over your own feet and succumbing to bottomless YouTube spirals wherein you watch “RIP Vine” compilations on a loop. Jupiter is FINALLY figuring itself out on the 10th, and as your ruling planet, it owes you a personal apology when it does.

Sagittarius is a naturally lucky sign — thanks in large part to Jupiter, the planet of luck, expansion, celebration and encouragement. Having Jupiter watch over you is like having an internal treasure map. So its retrograde was probably super frustrating for the archers of the world because it slows everything down; it causes dreams to sputter and ideas to be questioned.

The 10th, then, will be like a breath of fresh air. It will also bring a ton of financial benefits. I might even advise you to invest if I knew anything at all about investing. Jupiter’s remaining placement in Scorpio and the second house seems to suggest that you may come into some money through inheritance or insurance…..but that has the potential to seem pretty dark so let’s forget I even brought it up. If you suddenly find a wad of cash in your underwear drawer, I wouldn’t question it. July is all about infuriatingly unwavering optimism.

Capricorn

I should let you know up front that I have an inexplicable soft spot for Capricorns, so what I’m about to tell you hurts me more than it hurts you. But try to look on the bright side: A Leo (me) loves you with all her heart, and that should feel like the sun is giving you a hug!!!

Pluto is still in retrograde and it’s still trying to drag you out into its reject outer orbit. Being the planet of change and transformation, Pluto retrograde in Capricorn is a particularly tumultuous time — especially at work or within traditional family dynamics. If you’ve recently felt the urge to withdraw, you’re not alone.

Tread particularly lightly on the 12th, when Pluto picks a fight with the sun in Cancer. Both placements care deeply about the domestic sphere, but in opposition, their brief squabble will increase sensitivity and concern; you may be left feeling unmoored and insecure. Reach out to friends for support and resist the temptation to lash out at family members.

OKAY, back to the fun stuff! You didn’t think I’d leave you on that gloomy note, right? On the 14th, I’ll bet that you get a note or bouquet from a secret admirer or something. Romantic and furtive forces are afoot, colluding for your benefit. Then on the 28th, all your secret fuzzy feelings will be validated when Venus swoops in to offer you a grand gesture. Remember to be open and vulnerable and accept love with an open heart!! (And I’ll remember to sign the card on your bouquet this time!)

Aquarius

I don’t typically like to swear when I’ve been hired to produce something in a ~professional capacity~ but HOLY SHIT this is YOUR MONTH. The blood moon on the evening of the 27th and morning of the 28th will be the LONGEST LUNAR ECLIPSE IN A CENTURY and if that doesn’t make you want to swear and type in caps lock then you’re not a real Aquarius!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you’re not in the eastern hemisphere, you won’t be able to see this astral phenomenon, but I guarantee that you’ll be able to feel it. This will probably be a day full of surprises, unexpected happenings and unconventional behavior. In other words, this is an environment where the water bearers thrive. It may also be a day of endings, but not in a sad way — if you’ve been waiting for “the right time” to let go of whatever is hurting your heart, unconsciously or otherwise, this lunar phase boasts fertile, encouraging soil.

Also, if you’ll allow me to rewind a bit, the 5th is the perfect day to tell someone to fuck off (I’ve already sworn for you once, I may as well get it out of my system now). Mercury in Leo is about to square up with Mars in Aquarius, combining the explosive powers of honesty and action. You’ll get a little riled up — but in an understandable, righteous way — and whatever you’re mad about, I think you should go with it. How often do you get to rightfully put someone in their place and justify it with a horoscope?

Pisces

Oh boy, my fishy friend, here’s the deal: You’ll be dealing with a double-whammy in the nostalgia department for a little while. Your ruling planet, Neptune, is home in Pisces and that probably feels comforting, albeit a little overwhelming — like how it might feel if your mom crashed on your sofa for a couple weeks. You may love the taste of familiar home-cooked meals from childhood, but your emotional barometer is extra sensitive.

On top of that, Neptune sailed into retrograde on June 18th (as is the theme with fickle planets this month), and you’re probably still adjusting to its effects. Before we get in any deeper, I’d like to get a few things out of the way: don’t text your ex; don’t question the decision to quit the job that you literally left months ago; don’t look at your “On This Day” memories on Facebook.

In general, don’t get lost in romanticism or reveries — particularly on the 8th, because someone from your past is going to reemerge and I can’t promise that entertaining their sweet nothings will leave you with anything except an empty bottle of wine and half-finished cheese plate. Entertaining guests isn’t always satisfying.

But you know what else is gonna experience a resurgence in July? Yes, the Mission: Impossible franchise, but MORE IMPORTANTLY, your reputation! I know that sounded like a backhanded compliment, but I promise I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that the 24th will bring a bright moment of clarity. Whatever has been holding you back will feel suddenly more manageable, and people will notice your surge of focus, motivation and creativity.

Aries

Not to sound like a total downer, but this month won’t be a walk in the park for the rams of the world. Mars retrograde, which only happens about once every two years, is upon us for the entire month and it just won’t leave us alone!!!!!!!!

Mars’ moonwalk through the sky generally causes sluggishness and lack of motivation. If this just sounds like a regular summer slump, don’t be fooled: you may notice projects or relationships that fizzle to a finish for no reason at all. This retrograde spares no mortal but because Mars rules Aries, you will feel its effects more than the average human (but then again, you feel most things more than the average human, you fiery little wingnut. Love you!).

I’m not just here for the bad news, however! I’m here for Mars retrograde as an opportunity to scale back and reevaluate. You’ll probably feel more patient; more inclined to think things through before jumping in, horns first. Rams tend to be “Go, Diego, Go!” but under the scorching summer sun, this is the perfect time to recharge: pop on a pair of tiny sunglasses, throw on some lime green pants and head to the beach instead! You have the planets’ permission.

Taurus

I assume you are familiar with a little term that’s been making the Twitter rounds recently: Big Dick Energy. If so, I would like to applaud and apologize simultaneously. The former because, congratulations, you are plugged into internet culture! The latter because, honestly, I am not entirely convinced the former is a good thing. And also because BDE has forced me to consider the sexual magnetism of people I’ve never wanted to, from Pete Davidson to Troy Bolton’s father (although, to be fair, also some people whose sexual magnetism I think about daily, like Rihanna).

That wasn’t entirely relevant to the task at hand, I just wanted to make it known that Taurus is the sign that most obviously and commonly exudes BDE in the zodiac. Okay, back to the real news.

So on the 12th, your ruling planet Venus — which is hanging out with your fellow earth sign Virgo — will mingle with Uranus — which is currently hanging out with you, Taurus — and I know that sounds complicated but I’ve got the spicy breakdown. Things are gonna heat way the hell up, you will feel sexy and your BDE will reach its greatest and most powerful frequency (now you see why I had the acronym on my mind! It’s all coming together!!).

It’s natural to feel a little frustration on the 25th, when your desire to be seen and desire to hide will reach a maddeningly similar level. One-on-one intimacy will serve as your middle ground, an island of comfort in the midst of inner chaos. Okay, I’m making this sound more dramatic than it is. Just avoid parties and call your best friend.

Gemini

This is unrelated to your horoscope, but I was just looking at photos of Mary-Kate and Ashley and feeling resentful that their transcendent power has been overshadowed by their departure from “the grid.” I have a Gemini moon and I still feel their twin influence (twinfluence? I’ll show myself out) every single day.

As usual, since you are a chatty little star child, Mercury retrograde will hit you like a ton of meteorites (“a ton of bricks” feels too mundane for our purposes). Mercury is your ruling planet, so it sucks that it’s the planet most often working in reverse — but it’s also kinda cool because Sage the Gemini’s banger “Reverse” works for you on multiple levels at various points throughout the year. Everyone loves a playlist staple!

This retrograde starts on the 25th, which is a Monday, so try to get important work done before that. In fact, if you have any vacation days saved up, just get lost that week and we’ll touch base again in August. I think we’d all prefer to be left alone by the Geminis in our lives as they adjust to the first five days of Mercury’s pre-medieval torture.

Luckily, pre-retrograde July will treat you well. You may even be offered a job, a raise or some kind of promotion, so keep those peepers peeled for opportunities to strut your stuff (as if you don’t already).

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

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20 Things 20-Somethings Should Do Right Now To Build A Life That Feels Good

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20 Things 20-Somethings Should Do Right Now To Build A Life That Feels Good

Twenty20/ @meganmeza

1. Make a budget. Calculate all your expenses. Subtract the total from your net income. Use the remainder to cushion your emergency fund, retirement savings, and your short-term goals (vacation, new car, wedding, etc.).

2. Pay down your debt. I don’t care how low the interest rate is or what kind of debt it is — debt is debt. Stop justifying why you’re only putting down the minimum payment. This is stopping you from taking risks in your career, exploring your interests/hobbies, and essentially everything else that you want to do with your life. Your future self deserves a life free of financial anxiety. Please, for the love of god, create a swift debt-repayment plan and implement it now.

3. Unplug. The Internet is a wonderful place (you’re reading this right now!), but it’s important to know its role in your life. Establish boundaries. Read a physical book. Take a walk in nature. Host a night of board games with your friends. Write in a physical journal. Set aside some time every day to shut down the laptop, put away your phone and tuck away your tablet.

4. Slow down. A consequence of being part of a digital era, we feel the pressure to do something all the time. We have to be the all-star at work. We have to update our social media. We have to have an immaculate home. We have to look our best 24/7. Just say no. Sooner rather than later you’ll burn out and crash. Let some things fall to the wayside — intentionally.

5. Develop habits, not goals. Happiness is a byproduct of progress, not achievement. The problem with goals is that it’s a constant treadmill — you accomplish one, you set your sights on another. It’s much more fulfilling to concentrate on developing daily habits & routines. For example, waking up early, exercising each day, or bringing your lunch to work 4 out of the 5 days of the week. Sooner than later, these habits will become ingrained and you’ll be living a happier and healthier lifestyle.

6. Learn to live with people you dislike. I don’t mean live in a literal sense — I mean not losing your shit when you encounter sexist, racist, homophobic or just, in general, rude, ungrateful or ignorant people. This has been the most difficult things that I have had to work on. I’m a minority at about three intersections (a woman of colour who is queer), so quite understandably I get a little sensitive when someone says something ignorant about one of the communities of which I, in some part, belong to. But… these people will populate society until I die. I learned that it’s okay to not get along with everyone. I don’t need to waste my time trying to change their mind.

7. Experiment, take risks, and make plenty of mistakes. Now, more than ever, is the perfect time to experiment. We are the sum of our experiences — so experience as much as possible. Make mistakes, learn from them, and then go on and make different ones. I don’t mean this to insinuate that you should get all the mistakes out of your system while you’re young, because you’ll certainly make mistakes when you’re older. I mean take bold actions now so you can learn more about yourself in the process.

8. Pursue your hobbies. How many times have you told someone, “I would love to take a class on [x],” or, “This sports league looks great,” but never actually followed-through on signing up? Or decided that it’s not worth your money? Or even worse, determine that you have no one to go with and don’t want to do it alone? We don’t take our interests seriously — to our detriment. It’s as if we would rather sit at home instead mind-numbingly scrolling through social media or going out drinking with our friends, as if we don’t do that enough. Don’t get bogged down by the details of the thing. Just explore what you like, make new friends, and see where it leads. You’ll be a happier and more fulfilled person because of it.

9. Read books, not just blogs and articles. I’ve mentioned before that I consider reading a duty. No, it’s not because it’ll help you succeed in school or in your career, although it greatly increases your odds, but because you’ll be a better person for it. There is a literally a book out there to help you understand and process every single emotion you have ever felt and will ever feel in your life. Books help you become a more nuanced and thoughtful person. Books humble you. Books validate you. Books challenge you. Books grow you. Books save you from making perilous mistakes. Books accompany you when you’re feeling alienated and misunderstood.

10. Accept that progress is not linear, especially in your career. We have this unhealthy misconception that our career trajectory goes something like this: attend school → secure entry-level job → put in work for 1 – 3 years → receive steady promotions → end up in upper management. In reality, it looks more like this: school → take a break → work a low-wage job → return to school → work another low-wage job → quit to work at another low-wage job → question all your life choices → pick up a few side-hustles → get promoted at work → catch a lucky break → start earning a decent income doing what you love.

11. Learn how to be present. Seriously. In the words of Brianna Wiest, “The past is obsolete and the future is pending. You may attach yourself to these concepts, they are just figments of your imagination. It is a false comfort you get from them. Learn to be comforted and even astounded at what you have right now, and how beautiful it is.” Appreciate what it means to be alive now, not what it will mean to be alive in five years from now. Social media throws out all these qualifiers for happiness: You just need to be debt free and then you will be happy. You just have to buy this shirt and you will effortlessly cool and then you will be happy. You just need to wake up at 5:00 a.m. every morning and be productive as f*ck and you will be happy. You don’t need to do any of these things in order to appreciate all the wonderful things in your life that you have already. That’s not being unambitious. That’s pragmatic gratitude.

12. Take things slow. Life is (usually) much longer than you think. Not everything requires your immediate attention. You don’t need to cross things off your To Do List as fast as possible. You don’t need to overwork yourself to chase a promotion that you want to receive by some arbitrary deadline you set for yourself. Relax. Take a deep breath. Take time to meander, laze around, and, most importantly, think! Decide to take the long way home. Explore a new neighbourhood in your city. Spend an entire evening watching terrible reality tv (yes, you can watch tv). Enjoy yourself. Enjoy the journey of your becoming. As Seneca famously said, “Life, if well lived, is long enough.”

13. Stop talking about what you’re going to do and just do it. With the rise of social media, we run into the problem of putting the cart before the horse; talking the talk before walking the walk. We need to stop doing that. As I start new projects, whether it’s practicing law or pursuing my writing, I have to constantly remind myself that it’s much better to just work on things privately and release it when it’s done. Have the results speak for itself.

14. Evaluate where your sources of information comes from. We think we understand a particular issue or topic because we read a few articles about it from a newspaper, online publication or, perhaps more accurately, a blogger or writer we enjoy. But instead of just taking their word for it, we need to take a step back and see what biases, perspectives or political leanings that the source has. I’m not saying that it’s terrible to receive information from sources that align with your opinions or perspectives, I’m simply stating that we need to recognize that.

15. Construct the environment you need in order to facilitate “deep work.” Do you work best at home? Or do you enjoy working alongside other creatives in a co-working space? Do you listen to music while you work? Or can you only think when it’s absolutely silent? Determine what’s the most optimal setting for you to do your best work.

16. Don’t live for today. Live for tomorrow. And the week after that. And the month after that. For some reason, we experience dissonance from our future selves; we can’t connect with who we will be in 10 years. That’s why we have no problem eating tons of junk food, going for long periods of time without exercising, and impulsively buying ephemeral pleasures instead of contributing to our retirement savings. If we stay on this path, our future self is going to hate us. Start creating habits that will help ourselves out in a year, 5 years, 10 years from now. It’s not self-restraint. It’s self-discipline.

17. Ensure your actions sync up with your words. The people whose opinions you value don’t care about how much you make, what you wear, or what car is parked in your garage. People care about your character, the respect you give to others, and the commitments you make and keep. Build a reputation on being someone of integrity and principles.

18. Stop saying what people want to hear. If you’re honest, and you have some evidence to back up your position, people will respect you much more than simply being a mouthpiece for their pre-existing beliefs. Sucking up to people, whether it’s a boss or an influencer, does no one a favour. Be willing to be critical, when the situation calls for it, and hold firm on your beliefs. Good decisions, or the journey towards making decisions, are never based on “yes men (or women).” Have the courage to stand out, if you really do have a valid and unique contribution to make. People might disagree on the merits of the opinion, but they will respect you.

19. Be unabashedly ambitious about the real things. If your definition of a good life is to live out of a camper and drive across the country for the rest of your life, then be stubbornly unwavering about it. Do what it takes to get there. Hey, it may not be my idea of a good time, but at least it’s a more purposeful goal than just earning a certain level of income to buy status symbols.

20. Ask yourself the hard questions. Underneath the expensive clothes, accessories, and home — who are you really? What do you stand for? What will you defend? What matters to you? What makes up your ideal day? Who do you want to surround yourself with? What do you want to achieve? What gifts can you contribute to the world? Answer the tough questions, before someone else answers them for you.

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

20 Things 20-Somethings Should Do Right Now To Build A Life That Feels Good

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/20-things-20-somethings-should-do-right-now-to-build-a-life-that-feels-good-2/

20 Things 20-Somethings Should Do Right Now To Build A Life That Feels Good

Twenty20/ @meganmeza

1. Make a budget. Calculate all your expenses. Subtract the total from your net income. Use the remainder to cushion your emergency fund, retirement savings, and your short-term goals (vacation, new car, wedding, etc.).

2. Pay down your debt. I don’t care how low the interest rate is or what kind of debt it is — debt is debt. Stop justifying why you’re only putting down the minimum payment. This is stopping you from taking risks in your career, exploring your interests/hobbies, and essentially everything else that you want to do with your life. Your future self deserves a life free of financial anxiety. Please, for the love of god, create a swift debt-repayment plan and implement it now.

3. Unplug. The Internet is a wonderful place (you’re reading this right now!), but it’s important to know its role in your life. Establish boundaries. Read a physical book. Take a walk in nature. Host a night of board games with your friends. Write in a physical journal. Set aside some time every day to shut down the laptop, put away your phone and tuck away your tablet.

4. Slow down. A consequence of being part of a digital era, we feel the pressure to do something all the time. We have to be the all-star at work. We have to update our social media. We have to have an immaculate home. We have to look our best 24/7. Just say no. Sooner rather than later you’ll burn out and crash. Let some things fall to the wayside — intentionally.

5. Develop habits, not goals. Happiness is a byproduct of progress, not achievement. The problem with goals is that it’s a constant treadmill — you accomplish one, you set your sights on another. It’s much more fulfilling to concentrate on developing daily habits & routines. For example, waking up early, exercising each day, or bringing your lunch to work 4 out of the 5 days of the week. Sooner than later, these habits will become ingrained and you’ll be living a happier and healthier lifestyle.

6. Learn to live with people you dislike. I don’t mean live in a literal sense — I mean not losing your shit when you encounter sexist, racist, homophobic or just, in general, rude, ungrateful or ignorant people. This has been the most difficult things that I have had to work on. I’m a minority at about three intersections (a woman of colour who is queer), so quite understandably I get a little sensitive when someone says something ignorant about one of the communities of which I, in some part, belong to. But… these people will populate society until I die. I learned that it’s okay to not get along with everyone. I don’t need to waste my time trying to change their mind.

7. Experiment, take risks, and make plenty of mistakes. Now, more than ever, is the perfect time to experiment. We are the sum of our experiences — so experience as much as possible. Make mistakes, learn from them, and then go on and make different ones. I don’t mean this to insinuate that you should get all the mistakes out of your system while you’re young, because you’ll certainly make mistakes when you’re older. I mean take bold actions now so you can learn more about yourself in the process.

8. Pursue your hobbies. How many times have you told someone, “I would love to take a class on [x],” or, “This sports league looks great,” but never actually followed-through on signing up? Or decided that it’s not worth your money? Or even worse, determine that you have no one to go with and don’t want to do it alone? We don’t take our interests seriously — to our detriment. It’s as if we would rather sit at home instead mind-numbingly scrolling through social media or going out drinking with our friends, as if we don’t do that enough. Don’t get bogged down by the details of the thing. Just explore what you like, make new friends, and see where it leads. You’ll be a happier and more fulfilled person because of it.

9. Read books, not just blogs and articles. I’ve mentioned before that I consider reading a duty. No, it’s not because it’ll help you succeed in school or in your career, although it greatly increases your odds, but because you’ll be a better person for it. There is a literally a book out there to help you understand and process every single emotion you have ever felt and will ever feel in your life. Books help you become a more nuanced and thoughtful person. Books humble you. Books validate you. Books challenge you. Books grow you. Books save you from making perilous mistakes. Books accompany you when you’re feeling alienated and misunderstood.

10. Accept that progress is not linear, especially in your career. We have this unhealthy misconception that our career trajectory goes something like this: attend school → secure entry-level job → put in work for 1 – 3 years → receive steady promotions → end up in upper management. In reality, it looks more like this: school → take a break → work a low-wage job → return to school → work another low-wage job → quit to work at another low-wage job → question all your life choices → pick up a few side-hustles → get promoted at work → catch a lucky break → start earning a decent income doing what you love.

11. Learn how to be present. Seriously. In the words of Brianna Wiest, “The past is obsolete and the future is pending. You may attach yourself to these concepts, they are just figments of your imagination. It is a false comfort you get from them. Learn to be comforted and even astounded at what you have right now, and how beautiful it is.” Appreciate what it means to be alive now, not what it will mean to be alive in five years from now. Social media throws out all these qualifiers for happiness: You just need to be debt free and then you will be happy. You just have to buy this shirt and you will effortlessly cool and then you will be happy. You just need to wake up at 5:00 a.m. every morning and be productive as f*ck and you will be happy. You don’t need to do any of these things in order to appreciate all the wonderful things in your life that you have already. That’s not being unambitious. That’s pragmatic gratitude.

12. Take things slow. Life is (usually) much longer than you think. Not everything requires your immediate attention. You don’t need to cross things off your To Do List as fast as possible. You don’t need to overwork yourself to chase a promotion that you want to receive by some arbitrary deadline you set for yourself. Relax. Take a deep breath. Take time to meander, laze around, and, most importantly, think! Decide to take the long way home. Explore a new neighbourhood in your city. Spend an entire evening watching terrible reality tv (yes, you can watch tv). Enjoy yourself. Enjoy the journey of your becoming. As Seneca famously said, “Life, if well lived, is long enough.”

13. Stop talking about what you’re going to do and just do it. With the rise of social media, we run into the problem of putting the cart before the horse; talking the talk before walking the walk. We need to stop doing that. As I start new projects, whether it’s practicing law or pursuing my writing, I have to constantly remind myself that it’s much better to just work on things privately and release it when it’s done. Have the results speak for itself.

14. Evaluate where your sources of information comes from. We think we understand a particular issue or topic because we read a few articles about it from a newspaper, online publication or, perhaps more accurately, a blogger or writer we enjoy. But instead of just taking their word for it, we need to take a step back and see what biases, perspectives or political leanings that the source has. I’m not saying that it’s terrible to receive information from sources that align with your opinions or perspectives, I’m simply stating that we need to recognize that.

15. Construct the environment you need in order to facilitate “deep work.” Do you work best at home? Or do you enjoy working alongside other creatives in a co-working space? Do you listen to music while you work? Or can you only think when it’s absolutely silent? Determine what’s the most optimal setting for you to do your best work.

16. Don’t live for today. Live for tomorrow. And the week after that. And the month after that. For some reason, we experience dissonance from our future selves; we can’t connect with who we will be in 10 years. That’s why we have no problem eating tons of junk food, going for long periods of time without exercising, and impulsively buying ephemeral pleasures instead of contributing to our retirement savings. If we stay on this path, our future self is going to hate us. Start creating habits that will help ourselves out in a year, 5 years, 10 years from now. It’s not self-restraint. It’s self-discipline.

17. Ensure your actions sync up with your words. The people whose opinions you value don’t care about how much you make, what you wear, or what car is parked in your garage. People care about your character, the respect you give to others, and the commitments you make and keep. Build a reputation on being someone of integrity and principles.

18. Stop saying what people want to hear. If you’re honest, and you have some evidence to back up your position, people will respect you much more than simply being a mouthpiece for their pre-existing beliefs. Sucking up to people, whether it’s a boss or an influencer, does no one a favour. Be willing to be critical, when the situation calls for it, and hold firm on your beliefs. Good decisions, or the journey towards making decisions, are never based on “yes men (or women).” Have the courage to stand out, if you really do have a valid and unique contribution to make. People might disagree on the merits of the opinion, but they will respect you.

19. Be unabashedly ambitious about the real things. If your definition of a good life is to live out of a camper and drive across the country for the rest of your life, then be stubbornly unwavering about it. Do what it takes to get there. Hey, it may not be my idea of a good time, but at least it’s a more purposeful goal than just earning a certain level of income to buy status symbols.

20. Ask yourself the hard questions. Underneath the expensive clothes, accessories, and home — who are you really? What do you stand for? What will you defend? What matters to you? What makes up your ideal day? Who do you want to surround yourself with? What do you want to achieve? What gifts can you contribute to the world? Answer the tough questions, before someone else answers them for you.