#the one decision I really didn’t like but am not comfortable enough with Chinese pop culture to really make a statement about

[burningthegallows]

anybody else still thinking about lltg?

[scullyverse]

I’m Glad You Stayed

Prompt by anon;

“We’re just…friends" - “Friends don’t do this type of shit!”

I haven’t written smut in so long so it felt a little weird to write it again, but I hope it’s okay and that you like it anon! And I have used my head cannon here that during sex they use their first names instead of Mulder and Scully . I don’t know why I think that they would, I just do. I think there’s something very personal and intimate about it that is so very them.

Also available to read on ao3

Scully and Mulder’s usual Friday night dinner turns into something much more interesting. Takes place a few months after Fight the Future.

Mulder/Scully || filth || 4.3K words || Rating E (Explicit for smut)

It was how most Friday nights seemed to turn out these days. With Mulder sitting on his couch, feet rested up on the coffee table with a beer in his hands and one Dana Scully rolling her eyes next to him as he made a joke about the trashy movie they were watching. It had started to become some what of a routine since their return from Antartica a few months ago and Scully had to admit that she was beginning to look forward to her Friday nights now. It would start with a dinner of take away Chinese food and end with them having a drink and watching an old school sci fi movie. Though most of the time the television would be forgotten as they talked about nothing in particular before Scully would call it a night and drive herself back to her apartment. Mulder would insist she stay, saying that it was late and she could take his bed for the night, but every time she would just smile slightly and whisper ‘Goodnight Mulder’ before touching his lips with her fingers and leave. She would spend the whole drive home thinking of him and his pouting lips.

“Scully, seriously, I don’t want you driving home in this tonight, it’s raining cats and dogs out there” Mulder titled his beer towards the window, the rain pelting the glass and the wind howling through the gaps in the fixtures. “You know I sleep on the couch anyway, just take my bed, it has clean sheets and everything”

Sighing, Scully looked out the window and she shuddered slightly with the anticipation, or really lack there of, of having to drive back to her apartment in the storm raging outside. She really didn’t want to risk driving home, but as she let her eyes wander back to Mulder sitting there with that smirk on his face she could feel a rush of butterflies hit her stomach and knew that staying here could be a bad decision too. She couldn’t remember everything that had happened to her leading up to her regaining consciousness on the ice sheets in Antartica, but she had remembered every minuet detail of Mulder’s confession to her in the hallway of his apartment block. It replayed over and over in her head every time she looked into his eyes, the way he had poured his heart out to her and the way his breath had felt on her lips before every thing became blurred still lingered in her head.

But along with that was a tight grip on her heart with the constant worry that his confession could very well have just been a way to get her to stay and nothing more and that these feelings she had developed were completely one sided. She couldn’t risk her friendship with Mulder by asking him about it. His was the only true friendship she had ever had and she knew she couldn’t do anything to jeopardise it. He was far too important to her to lose over her stupid complexion of feelings.

“Wow, clean sheets? You really know how to impress a girl” Scully rolled her eyes with a smirk, her tone patronising but her eyes tinkling with playfulness as she put her empty beer bottle down on the coffee table. The banter that they had developed over the years was finally settling into something Scully treasured as much as she would never admit that to him.

“Well you know me Scully, I’m always here to impress the ladies” Bringing his beer to his mouth, Mulder wiggled his eyebrows slightly which caused Scully to laugh, giving him a light punch to the arm.

“In your dreams Mulder”

She knew that she had to leave now before it got any later and before her resolve weakened anymore. Scully needed to be in control of herself, had to reign in her feelings as to not ruin this and she knew that it would become harder and harder for her to do so if she stayed, knowing he would be there just on the other side of a bedroom wall. Pushing herself up from the couch, Scully was about to wish Mulder good night before she felt a hand wrap around her wrist, gentle but firm, which caused her to look back, seeing Mulder watch her with a look to his eyes that she hadn’t seen before. “Scully, come on...Stay”

Scully’s breath hitched in her throat as she froze, looking into his eyes. It was such a simple request that she would usually turn down but there was just something about the way he was looking at her that caused her head to nod without her control as she eased back down onto the couch, feeling the gentle grip on her wrist vanish. “Okay”

’What am I doing?’ Scully thought to herself as she rubbed her hands on her thighs, suddenly feeling them get a little clammy. This was dangerous territory and she could feel her heart begin to thump in her chest. She was usually so in control of her emotions, taking pride in being one to maintain professionalism, but lately with Mulder she was finding it harder and harder to suppress the urges she felt to find out what his lips tasted like.

‘Stop! This is Mulder. He doesn’t see you like that. He is just being a good friend’ Tucking her hands together between her knees she gave him an awkward smile, suddenly feeling stupid sitting on his couch thinking about kissing him while he was just trying to extend some good hospitality and make sure she didn’t go and drive in the storm.

Mulder’s face broke into a grin as he quickly finished up his beer before he put the empty bottle back down on the coffee table. “I’m glad you decided to stay Scully. I didn’t want you driving in that tonight...Did you want another drink?”

“No that’s okay, I might just go get ready fo-“

“I have some spare clothes if you would like? I’m sure they will be more comfortable to sleep in” Mulder didn’t wait for an answer, before he practically jumped up from the couch, disappearing into his bedroom. Scully sat there stunned, but couldn’t help herself from smiling warmly at how sweet he was to her. Looking down at her outfit she knew he was right, her usual work attire wouldn’t be that comfortable to sleep in after all. But could she really borrow his clothes? And have to deal with being wrapped up in his scent all night. She was sure that she wouldn’t be getting much sleep anyway for reasons other than her clothes so she decided she may as well be as comfortable as possible.

Hearing the scuffle of his feet again, Scully looked up and saw him smile, handing her a worn grey t shirt and some plaid pyjama shorts which she was sure would be way too big but she took them anyway with a grateful smile. “Thanks Mulder”

“Feel free to shower if you want too. You know where the spare towels are”

“It’s okay. I’ll just go get changed...” Trailing off, Scully brushed her thumb over the material of the bundled clothes in her arms before she stood, brushing past him as he sat back down on the couch, feeling his eyes on her as she moved towards his bedroom.

Sure she had been in Mulder’s bedroom before, but there hadn’t been such hesitation as there was now. Scully bit her lower lip, pushing the door closed, resting against the wood as she felt it click shut behind her. She seriously needed to get a grip of herself. Shaking her head slightly, Scully quickly removed her clothes, putting them into a pile on the chest of drawers against the wall, making sure to tuck and fold her bra into her shirt so it wouldn’t be seen.

Standing in just her underwear, Scully felt herself bringing his clothes to her nose and inhaled slightly. She couldn’t help the smile creeping onto her face at the feeling of Mulder invading her senses before she quickly slipped on his shirt. Looking down at herself she placed his shorts in a pile next to her own clothes, realising that his shirt fell nearly to her knees and that his shorts wouldn’t fit her anyway.

Running her fingers through her hair, Scully took a deep breath before she bucked up enough courage to open his bedroom door. If Mulder only saw her as a friend, surely her being so under dressed wouldn’t hurt. Besides, she would only be popping out for a moment to wish him good night anyway. Opening the door quietly, she crossed her arms over her chest to cover herself, still feeling slightly exposed. Looking towards the couch, she felt her breath stop at the way Mulder was gazing at her. His lips were parted slightly and his eyes were roaming over her body, she could feel them working inch by inch over her and she had to admit that it made a warmth blossom between her legs. She willed her body to stop it.

“S-Scully...” Mulder stuttered, getting to his feet he licked his lips as they curled up into a smirk, something else that shot straight to her core. He began walking towards her, stopping in front of her just enough to still give her some space. “That shirt looks good on you, you should wear it more often”

Feeling a heat flush her cheeks, Scully tucked her arms tighter to her body with a smile. She had to admit, it felt good to wear his shirt. “Thanks again. At least you won’t have to worry about me stretching it out or anything” They both chuckled softly as she watched him reach out, his fingers barely touching the fabric that hung at her waist. She couldn’t help the way her heart hammered in her chest and the way her breathing quickened in her throat. Scully dug her fingers into her own arm, physically having to fight the urge to just take that step closer and kiss him. “Well, goodnight Mulder” It was barely a whisper before she turned, her arms falling down to her sides.

“Wait, Scully”

It happened suddenly. One second she was turning to head back into his bedroom, the next he had pulled her back towards him by her waist, his face inches always as he looked into her eyes. She saw how dark his eyes were, how dilated they had become and she could feel the warmth spread between her legs again.

She could feel her resolve shattering as she sucked in a breath, her fingers reaching out to rest on his chest. This wasn’t right. He just needed her to stay. This was just so she wouldn’t leave him. It didn’t mean anything more to him than that...Right?

“Mulder, please. This is just because you are scared I’m still going to walk...You mean more to me than that Mulder. We’re just....friends-“

“Friends don’t do this type of shit Scully and you know it! Friends don’t have these feelings. Don’t use the excuse of what I said before because you know that’s not what’s happening here. I want you. So much that it kills me. And I know you feel it too because I can see it in your eyes” His hand tightened slightly on her hips, his eyes filled with such intensity that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. “If you don’t want his then please...tell me to stop” His voice was soft as he leaned in, closing the gap between them. It was the final restraint that snapped inside her as she arched onto her toes, crashing their lips together with a moan.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she moulded their bodies together, his hands reaching out to cup her ass causing her to gasp into his mouth. This should feel strange, having Mulder touching her like this, but she had never felt anything more natural. The kiss became heated as Scully felt his strong arms lift her up, her legs wrapping around his waist, her centre coming into contact with the growing erection in his jeans. Needing to breathe, Scully pulled back from the kiss, her forehead resting on Mulder’s as her fingers played with the tuft of hair at the base of his neck.

“I will never tell you to stop”

It was like a light switched in Mulder as he pushed their lips together again, teeth clashing together desperately as he began to move back towards the couch, nearly tripping over the coffee table before he almost collapsed back down, Scully using the moment to place her knees either side of him on the couch, her back arching as she straddled him.

‘Oh god, this is really happening’ Scully thought as she felt his hands slide under her shirt, tracing her spine as he pulled the material up with his hands, stopping with the material resting underneath her breasts. Mulder pulled back, hips lips swollen and glistening and his eyes begged for permission before Scully licked her bottom lip, reaching down to remove the shirt herself, tossing it behind her. She watched as his eyes dropped from her own to her chest, a rumble vibrating in his throat.

“God you’re beautiful”

Mulder used his arms to arch her back slightly on his lap so he could lean down, his nose brushing against her skin as he breathed her in, giving a soft kiss to the gold cross resting between her collarbones. Scully chewed on her bottom lip as she watched him, one hand reaching behind her to rest on his knee and the other running through his hair, urging him on. At a slight grip in his hair, Mulder took the hint and began running his tongue over her skin, causing goosebumps to appear on her flesh before he took a nipple into his mouth, Scully’s eyes closing at the sudden stab of arousal to her centre. Groaning, she pulled his head closer to her chest, her toes curling against the fabric of the couch, her hips moving ever so slightly seeking any friction she could get against the warm body beneath her, occasionally feeling the bulge in his jeans rub against her core.

Going from one nipple to the other, Mulder began to move his hips, his own arousal surging whenever Scully tugged at his hair or gave a throaty moan. Pulling away from her, his hands returned to her hips, his fingers digging in ever so slightly as he watched her move above him, a pink flush rising on her cheeks and down her chest. Reaching out, Scully tugged at his shirt, quickly pulling it over his head, her hips never stopping their movement, now only encouraged with his hands which were pulling her hips down harder into him.

Groaning, Scully slumped forwards slightly, feeling her arousal grow rapidly at the feeling of Mulder rubbing against her and the way their breaths mingled together, foreheads pressed against each other, their eyes open. Watching each other. It was the most erotic thing Scully had ever felt in her life and she knew she needed more.

“Please...I need you” Her voice was thick with arousal as her fingers played with his lips, a sudden throb in her core when he took a digit into his mouth, kissing it gently.

Mulder groaned as he gave a slight nod, pushing their lips together again as he ran his hands up and down her naked back before she shifted off of him, pulling him with her as she stood in front of the couch. Mulder made quick work of removing his jeans, letting them and his boxers fall to the floor as he watched Scully wiggle her underwear down her hips, the black material sliding down against her pale flesh. Scully licked her bottom lip as her eyes wandered over him, watching how his chest rose and fell with his quickened breath, how his nipples stood erect with arousal and her eyes finally settling on his erection. She had seen him naked before, even in a semi aroused state, but not like this. Not so unashamed and on display just for her. Her fingers reached out to touch him slightly, seeing arousal seep out of the tip which caused his stomach to suck in suddenly, a moan falling from his lips “Dana”

Looking back up to him she smiled, suddenly loving how her name sounded coming from his lips like this. She ran her fingers up and down his erection a few times before she kicked her underwear off from around her ankles, pushing him softly back against the couch. “Sit down” She whispered and smiled again with how quickly Mulder obliged, reaching out for her once he made himself comfortable against the fabric of the couch.

Scully intertwined their fingers as she stepped forward, her knees sliding once again either side of him, as she settled her hips down, feeling his erection sit between her legs, brushing against the cleft between her legs. Mulder’s hands reached up to cup her face, his thumbs running over her cheeks before he captured her in a kiss. It wasn’t rushed like before, but slow and languid, one that caused Scully to relax and sink down further, her hips moving slightly to allow him to slip in between her folds, rolling her hips to coat him with the wetness that pooled between her legs and only flowed more every time the tip of his penis hit her clit. Mulder groaned, his own hips moving of their own accord into a gentle rocking motion.

They kissed for what seemed like hours as the storm still raged on outside, just taking the time to get to know each other and how the tiniest of movements caused a moan before the teasing became too much and Scully finally reached down, her hips lifting up as her fingers wrapped around him, guiding his tip to her entrance. Looking into his eyes, she rested their already sweaty foreheads together as she lowered herself, sinking onto him slowly before she wiggled her hips, settled on him completely with a sudden and exquisite sense of fullness with him buried into her so deeply causing Mulder to groan.

“Fuck” Scully breathed out, her voice low and husky as her fingers rested on his chest, taking the time she needed to allow her body to adjust to him. She hadn’t been intimate with anyone but herself in a long time and even though she was more than ready and aroused for him, her body was still protesting somewhat against his size. Mulder’s breathing steadied once she was still and used the time to run his hands all over her body, his lips brushing the underside of her jaw as she tilted her head back, giving him all the access he wanted.

Her heart burst in her chest with how patient he was being, though she could sense he was struggling to keep still by the way he twitched occasionally inside of her and how his hips shook ever so slightly with his restraint. Sucking her bottom lip between her teeth, Scully arched up onto her knees slightly as she moved, letting herself rise off him until just the tip was left inside her before sinking down again, feeling every part of him rub against her inner walls. Mulder gasped slightly, his hands settling onto her hips, there to help and encourage her movements as she repeated them, making sure to rock herself against him when he was fully inside of her, the friction delicious on her clit on every down beat.

It didn’t take long for them to establish a rhythm, slow and hard, Mulder using his hands to push her down every time she sunk back onto him, each time Scully’s breath hitching in her throat. A strangled “Uhh” was all she managed to say, her brain short circuiting with the way his lips now sucked on the pulse point just behind her ear. Scully’s toes curled as Mulder shifted slightly, causing him to wiggle against her G-Spot, causing a pulse of electricity to shoot through her. “Do that again”

Mulder pumped his hips again, titling himself back a little in order to use the angle to his advantage to hit that soft spot inside her, rewarded with another grunt from Scully’s lips as she began to quicken her movements, leaning forwards so she could wrap her arms around his back, her nails digging into his shoulder blades as she kissed him again. He tasted saltier now they had began to sweat and Scully never wanted to stop tasting him because he just tasted so distinctly like Mulder. But it was becoming harder to breath the faster their hips moved against each other so Scully broke away, her forehead resting on his shoulder panting slightly. “F-Fox...”

She was close, she could feel the tell tale signs of how her stomach clenched and a warmth began to creep up from her toes. Mulder must have felt it too as he used one hand to reach between them, his fingers brushing against her clit just enough to cause her to let out a gasp, causing him to nudge her head back with his shoulder, his hips never stumbling in their movements. “Look at me Dana” Mulder grunted.

Scully pulled her head off his shoulder as she looked into his eyes, seeing them dark and his cheeks flushed with arousal. The way he looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing on her earth and the flick of his fingers against her clit was enough to push her over the edge. “Oh god...” Scully cried out, her eyes snapped shut as her head fell back, her orgasm rushing through her which caused her inner walls to pulse around him, her toes digging into the couch. Mulder held her tightly, his fingers and hips slowing down just enough to keep her pleasure going for as long as possible as he watched her, captivated with how beautiful she looked when she came.

Her orgasm seemed to go on forever and all she could manage to do was pant, her eyebrows frowned together and her body glad to have Mulder holding her to stop her from falling backwards. “You look so beautiful right now” Mulder whispered kissing the bared column of her throat as she smiled blissfully, giving him a groan of approval as she started to float back down to earth. Opening her eyes, she looked down at him and smiled again, one hand now resting on his chest and the other into his hair, angling his head to kiss her again before she began to move her hips once more, giving him permission to resume the pace he needed to push himself over the edge.

“Come for me” She urged him as she looked into his eyes.

Mulder understood and picked up his pace, his hands moving again to grasp her hips, his nails digging into her supple flesh. Grunting with the pace, Scully bit her bottom lip, pushing through the slight over sensitivity she was feeling between her legs, knowing that by the look on his face and the way his movements were uneven he was close. Mulder’s head tilted back as he began to pound up into her with a passion that took Scully’s breath away. Scully nipped at his jawline and that was all it took for him to snap his eyes shut and a low groan erupted from his throat.

‘Fuck, Dana...I-“ He didn’t manage to finish his sentence before his hands slammed her hips down onto him and his hips stilled. Scully gave a low moan as she felt him come inside her, his cock throbbing and releasing inside of her, a hot feeling spreading between her legs as she touched her fingers to his lips, using the muscles of her inner walls to pulse around him, massaging him to keep his orgasm going for as long as she could. Mulder’s eyes opened as he looked at her, a lazy smile creeping up onto his lips. Scully smiled in return as he kissed her fingers again, his fingers now running along the goosebumped flesh of her lower back.

Scully could feel him begin to soften inside of her, but she didn’t want him to leave her just yet. Leaning forward, she met his waiting lips in a soft kiss, her heart bounding in her chest. This certainly wasn’t what she thought would happen tonight but she couldn’t say that she hadn’t loved every second. She knew that they would have to talk about this, about how this would affect their friendship but right now she just wanted to lay here, feeling the most content she had felt in her life.

His arms wrapped around her back, pulling her flush against him as he kissed her forehead. She knew that no matter what happened in the future, she belonged right here in his arms with him inside her. This was where she needed to be and no matter what she would fight to remain with him for as long as she was alive.

“I’m glad you stayed”

[devnny]

CHAPTER TWELVE.

JTRM — THE “R” STANDS FOR RECOVERING!

PREVIOUSLY.

GOD THIS TOOK FOREVER!!!!! it’s 6k fucking words too, jeezus lord. at least its cute, and sad, and cute.

the events of my old ass drabble TOUCH. is mentioned briefly in this chapter too, should you have not read that and would care to :]c ANYWAY, ENJOY

[Dear Diary,

I had another dream about killing Devi.

They’ve become too vivid… I’m growing more and more worried that my mind will blur fantasy with reality, and I’ll attack her thinking it’s a dream. I don’t know why I would do that… I don’t want to attack her. I don’t want to hurt her, ever.

So, as a precaution, I’ve decided that I won’t be sleeping anymore. Staying awake is all that I can do combat these shitty nightmares.]

--

Johnny scratched the final letter of his latest diary entry firmly into the paper’s face, then closed the cover quietly. He tucked the book under his chair, careful to not alert Devi, who was painting a few feet away, that he was making any unusual movements.

He felt badly to keep these dreams a secret from her, since he was confident that Meat was interfering with his sleep somehow, but he buried those prickly feelings of guilt to the best of his ability. The only other reason for these reoccurring nightmares would be that he, in fact, was thinking them up all on his own, which was even worse as far as Johnny was concerned. Either way, he was terrified that if he mentioned it to Devi that she would again grow suspicious of him.

After regaining so much of her trust, it would kill him inside to see her hesitate to accept his company, or linger on her words or her decisions in what she allowed him to do with her, all because he wasn’t in control of his subconscience. Very few people were able to control their unconscious mind, but Johnny still felt immensely paranoid that Devi wouldn’t be understanding, regardless of if it would be because of actual resentment, or simply out of fear, even though she would still want to trust him. That might sting even worse, actually.

They had built such a comforting routine in her home; working away on creative endeavors together at all hours, and enjoying each other’s company over shared meals and television in their downtime. It was so soothing, bidding her ‘goodnight’ and ‘good morning’ each day. Devi’s sleep schedule had returned to its atrociously inconsistent cycle since he moved in with her, so sometimes he would be saying ‘goodnight’ at 5PM, and other times saying ‘good morning’ at 5PM, but it was gratifying all the same. He didn’t know, after he was ‘better’ and was supposed to return to his own house, how he would go through each day without being able to offer her such daily pleasantries. Maybe he would be able to do so over the phone, he thought, but it wouldn’t be the same.

His eyes lifted from the scantily-worked-on page that was fastened to his drafting table and settled on Devi’s kneeling figure a short distance away. Johnny smiled to see the small smirk on her face while she blotted color across her canvas. She had been toiling away on this commissioned work for almost a week now, and she always seemed to enter some kind of frenzied state whenever she was nearing a piece’s completion. It was a large project, she had told him, and would offer her a very hefty paycheck once it was finished. Maybe it was the thought of money that pushed her into such an energetic fit of creation – Johnny could only speculate. She grinned and rubbed a bit of paint from her cheek as she stepped back to review her efforts.

His lips pursed into a longer smile; how could he even consider sullying her mood by bringing up useless things like night terrors? He couldn’t. He would handle this himself, and leave Devi to her work.

--

DAYS LATER:

Devi beamed, squiggling her brush down her canvas to the rhythm of the song she currently had blasting from the speakers of her art room. Nothing was more satisfying than going to the bank and depositing a nice, big, fucking check, and she could only express her delight by jumping right into a personal project as soon as she and Johnny had returned home. It felt so good to have enough money, for the time being, to indulge in painting what she wanted to for more than an hour.

“Hey!” Johnny’s voice piped up over the music, and Devi turned to see him pull his headphones off of one of his ears. His headphones were his only defense against her deafening taste in music, so it must be important. Devi searched the floor for the dinky little remote that controlled the speakers, and lowered the volume to a reasonable level.

“Yeah?” She grinned at him, and he met her smile with one of his own.

“Can you hold your arm out like ‘this’ for me?” Johnny stuck his arm out and twisted it downwards in a fist to give her an example. Devi scoffed, used to him asking her to pose for reference by now, and tried to mimic what he had requested.

“Like that?”

“Ummm, no, down a little more. Ehhh—” He wiggled his fist in her direction. “—put your shoulder up more, maybe? Give me… ‘intimidating’.”

Devi laughed.

“Shut the Hell up.” She huffed a few chuckles and brought her shoulder up as instructed.

“YES. HOLD THAT.” Johnny exclaimed and hurriedly resumed his sketching. Devi’s smile remained while she watched him work.

She had to admit she was proud of how far he had come since this whole thing started – he hardly ever devolved into a crying mess when his drawings weren’t progressing to his liking anymore. The last time Devi remembered him throwing a fit was shortly after the ‘leash and collar’ situation began, and she figured that that was more out of pent up frustration for that small bit of humiliation, and not so much because he was a creative loose-cannon.

The way his tongue poked out while he drew was a little more endearing suddenly, but Devi dismissed the thought, chalking it up to the current carefree feeling in the air. The evening was set to be lighthearted the moment she had gotten paid; the plan was to have whatever the fuck she wanted for dinner, and then binge-watch the entire movie series of The Beast What Licked Me, which was the main trilogy and all of its subsequent, horrible spinoff movies by less-than-admirable production studios. Devi smiled at the idea of having fun for once.

“You know, the lofty smile doesn’t really give me that ‘intimidating’ vibe.” Johnny spoke with a teasing laugh, earning a dismissive, blithe scoff from his model.

“Shut your mouth—aren’t you hungry yet?” Devi snorted, wriggling her shoulder to rib at him further. He stuck the end of his pencil into his lip curiously.

“Are you?”

“Sure, and I think my hand’s had enough painting for one day.” She straightened her posture with a widening grin. “You done?”

“Well, I am for now, if that’s alright with my, er, mentor…” Johnny replied with the question in his stare, and Devi snickered again.

“You are excused for the evening. Now, let’s order Chinese, for delivery. I don’t feel like leaving the house again today.” Devi mused while she walked out of the room. Johnny smiled giddily at the comment – one trip outside was enough for one day, he’d agree wholeheartedly!

--

FIFTEEN-MINUTES-OR-LESS LATER:

Johnny threw the wad of cash that Devi had so-entrusted him with directly into the delivery boy’s face, knocking him over with the force of the impact as he snatched the take-out bag from him. He slammed the door shut callously, and hummed in approval at the now familiar smell of Devi’s favorite Chinese restaurant.

He strode to the kitchen with it, and began laying out the bag’s drippy contents onto the counter. He jumped when he felt something jab into his side, but hardly had to turn his head before he recognized Devi’s head peeking into his peripheral. She gave him a cheeky grin, and he smiled back shyly.

“You’re already finished showering?”

“Yeah, heh, just needed to rinse off that outside-world smell.” She crossed her arms over one of his shoulders as she leaned to see what he was doing. “…Why’d you bother bringing the food in here?”

Johnny gesticulated his hands loosely around the counterspace as he attempted to explain, but it was difficult with Devi touching him.

“WELL, it’s—” Another swat of his hands. “…greasy!”

Devi snortled and slid off of his shoulder, giving his back an additional plap with her palm before moving to inspect tonight’s dinner. She popped open one of the containers and couldn’t help but jam a pair of chopsticks into it right away, scooping a pile of noodles into her mouth happily.

She exhaled contently through her nose while she chewed, then turned a curious eye to Johnny, who was picking at the fabric of his shirt where she had just been pressed against him. It was only for a second, but it was enough to take notice of before he tilted to look through the boxes and find which one was his entrée. Devi swallowed, and watched his thin fingers play with the lids while she thought.

When had she gotten so comfortable with touching him? It had been a long time since physical contact with anyone had been so nonchalant for her. If she could guess, it was probably due to the whole ‘close proximity of the leash’ thing, or maybe the whole ‘living together’ thing, but either way it was bizarre that she hadn’t realized how casual things had become until she noticed Johnny’s slight change in demeanor in response to it.

One wouldn’t have to ask Johnny ‘when’ the touching started; he could tell you with one-hundred percent certainty that it was the night that they went to pick up a few groceries from a nearby 24/7. Devi had approached him, and set a hand on his arm for an undiscernible amount of seconds while she spoke to him – undiscernible because his brain had just about exploded from the direct contact. He had returned the casual touching with a modest hand on her shoulder, and she hadn’t killed him for it. Johnny would probably remember that night for the rest of his existence.

But Devi was left to ponder at what point she had regrown enough trust for him to poke and prod at him without wanting to carve her own skin off afterward. He was a lot less horrible now, and she enjoyed his company again, so she supposed that said something, at least. She shrugged it off and stuffed a piece of chicken in her mouth.

“You ready to get this hideous marathon underway?” Devi asked while she chewed. Johnny carefully lifted the top off of the horrendously spicy dish he’d ordered.

“Yes!” He beamed at her eagerly, brandishing a spork as though it was a beacon for his well-equipped-ness for the evening.

--

FIVE MOVIES IN:

“Oouughh…” Devi vocalized her agony with her fingers pressed to her sore eyes.

“Yeah, that FX make-up is garbage. Worse than the one in Spawn of The Beast What Licked Me.” Johnny replied lazily from his side of the couch, half-melted into the cushion. Though his corneas burned just as badly, the pain didn’t register with him the same way.

“No,” Devi griped. “my eyes are killing me…”

A yawn punctuated her complaint, and Johnny lifted his head attentively. She was tired. He’d come to learn the signs of her exhaustion quite well, and despite his current feelings about sleep, rest appeared to do Devi some good.

“Are you going to go to bed?” He asked and reset his head onto the back cushion of the couch comfortably. Devi peeked at him from the armrest on the opposite side, where she had devolved into a lumpy ball as the night wore on. Her ear pressed into the cushy fabric, and she slanted her mouth in discontent.

She didn’t particularly want to go to sleep. There was only one more movie to go, and it felt weak as Hell to give up now when she was so close to the end of a movie binge. Devi lulled her head in the direction of the TV, and winced away in regret when the flashing light burned her eyes.

“Ugh.” She grunted in defeat. “Yeah, I guess.”

“We can finish these last two tomorrow.” Johnny offered to ease her frustration, and Devi smirked through her exhaustion.

“Yeah, okay.” She agreed and rolled into a seated position. She struggled to stand with her tired legs, but managed to force herself up.

One of her hands came down to point at Johnny as she passed him, her finger hovering just out of reach of his nose.

“—And don’t you dare watch ahead.” Devi smiled despite her threatening tone. “You turn that shit off, you don’t get to watch without me.”

Johnny grinned uneasily, half of him delighted at how she joked with him.

“Yes, of course.” He assured her, and Devi nodded appreciatively before hobbling off to bed. Johnny watched her door click shut, then searched for the remote and turned the TV off.

His body slumped against the couch, the satisfied feeling in his torso weighing him down into its pillows. He debated what he could do for the rest of the night with his lazy, fried brain. The dull feeling in his arms made drawing seem impossible, and he didn’t want to turn on the TV again until he was sure Devi was soundly asleep. So he laid on the couch and thought to pass the time.

It didn’t take long for his thoughts to turn to Devi, and he smiled comfortably as he reviewed the day’s events. Johnny laced his fingers over his chest and contemplated if their relationship would progress further than this, or if it had reached it’s peak at her not hating him and offering him passing physical contact. He was perfectly happy with how things were now, but he would have said the same thing about her begrudgingly tolerating his company two months ago. Now he couldn’t imagine going back to that time and being satisfied without her smile, or laughter, or rib jabbing.

A sigh slipped past his lips as he smooshed further into the couch at the memory of her forearms crossed over his shoulders early this evening. It was so nice. Everything was so nice now; he felt like he could exist like this forever. The impermanence of his situation was lost from his mind for the time being, and he nestled his brow into the cushion while he let his tender thoughts carry his brain away.

Without realizing, his eyes slowly began to settle closed, and he drifted into an impromptu nap.

--

Johnny reaffixed his grip on the handle of his knife, the tendons there further visible under the gaunt skin of his hand. He would usually wear gloves for something like this – it was so messy – but a kill such as this one, that was so personal and passionate in nature, had no room for measures of tidiness.

She deserved this so much; she was so mean. Cruel. She never treated him like this before, when they had their nice, engaging conversations at the bookstore. Everything was so pleasant then. He could still imagine her, with her short black hair and uniform apron, and her dark, painted lips that made his heart go berserk when they tilted up into a smile for him. Him, bringing a smile to someone else’s face. How abnormal.

His own mouth twitched upwards more, making his grin look more unhinged than it already did. The little spatters of blood on his cheeks and nose smeared under the creases it brought.

Devi lay below him – on the floor, if he wasn’t mistaken – looking up at him in fear. He’d only stabbed her a few times so far, but Johnny could tell by the terror in her eyes that she knew those wouldn’t be the only ones. He crouched over her form, as he had over so many others, and held her shoulder with his left hand while the right started its habitual swinging.

The blade plunged into her chest again, marring her shirt with another bloody hole. Then another, and another. He could feel the flexible bones of her ribcage bend under the base of his palm, compressed by the weight of his blows.

It felt so GOOD. She earned all of these! All of her stabbing, painful comments – she should have expected this outcome. This new, purple-haired, pigtailed Devi was not the one he cared so much for; she was a demon! A bastardized version of his Devi; one that smirked coolly at him as though she owned him; one that barraged him with pointless tests and berated him with cutting words when he failed.

“You deserve this!” Johnny breathed, digging the knife into her torso again. Devi did little to stop him, as she had so far, and only looked at him painfully. YES! She deserved this pain!

“You deserve this – you deserve this—!” He ranted, continuing to repeat the phrase over and over as he stabbed her. He watched her eyes – those pretty, green eyes – filled with hurt.

But it wasn’t the hurt that he had originally thought.

It wasn’t like the looks his other victims gave him, eyes filled with tears from the physical agony they were in. It wasn’t even the same as the horror he’d seen on her face before, when he had lunged at her in his home. Johnny’s smile slowly began to drop, seeing the unusual emotion in Devi’s eyes. She looked at him with so much betrayal – almost longingly, as if to ask “Why?”, or to say, “How could you?”.

Why wasn’t she fighting him? She should be able to get away. She’s always gotten away from him – always refused to be a victim to him. Why was she just LAYING there, letting him kill her?

That’s what he was doing. He was KILLING HER.

Devi seemed to acknowledge her impending death at the same time he had, and her expression grew wearier. Johnny felt anxiety rapidly mounting inside him, and only removed his fixation away from her face when he felt her hand gingerly grip at his fist. He looked down and watched her fingers, matted with blood, trying as best as they could to grasp onto him. He also realized that he was still holding the knife firmly in her sternum.

With a jolt of fear, he yanked the knife away, and Devi cried out for the first time that he could remember. It made him drop his weapon, and settle both hands onto her shoulders.

He yelped her name, as if that would do any good. What had he done? He had killed her – she was dying. He didn’t want to believe it, and the sound of her labored breathing brought him to tears. This shouldn’t be happening – Devi had helped him. She offered him so much of her; her time, her support, her home – and he had reduced her into a gored mass on her bedroom floor.

No, no, no. This wasn’t right. He wanted to scream and sob, but that would do nothing to fix this.

A sticky sensation on his cheek brought him out of his panic, and he realized after a moment that it was Devi’s hand, wet from her own blood. Despite the slippery, unpleasant feeling of the blood, Johnny was drawn to the delicate touch of her fingers, and tried to lean into them despite the weakness in her digits. He wanted her palm – he wanted it to cradle his cheek, and indulge in the forbade softness from her that he himself had ruined his chances of.

Johnny didn’t get what he wanted, of course. Devi’s hand slowly dropped away from his face, lingering until all the strength left her limbs, and her arm fell to her bloodied stomach. Johnny refused to take his eyes off of hers, and the anxiety he felt previously worked into a massive ball of dread as he saw the glint in Devi’s eyes begin to dull.

No, no, no, no—

--

Johnny almost gagged from the abrupt force of the gasp that brought him back to consciousness. His leg kicked out, knocking over some empty containers and cans that had been left on the coffee table, and he scampered away from the sound with startled fear. A hand came up to palm away the wet lines that streaked down his cheekbones, but cold tears were the least of his concerns with his lungs beating air out of him faster than he could bring it in. Johnny tried to gather himself and calm his breathing down, but his heart wouldn’t allow it, and continued pounding against the walls of its boney prison like a furious captive.

His eyes shook with anxiety as his pupils flashed from side to side, trying to use some amount of logic amongst his hysteria to convince himself everything was fine, and that his panic was just the result of another Godawful nightmare. Johnny noted the dark living room, the messy table, the quiet television set; nothing amiss or broken, nothing to indicate that anything in the apartment was any different from any other night, besides his quaking form bundled up on the sofa.

He turned his attention to Devi’s bedroom door, and his haggard breaths immediately stopped. Her door was ajar. He had never seen her door open when she was sleeping, ever.

A shaky inhale sucked down his throat, and he started shivering from his shoulders down his arms and to his stomach. There was a sudden, paralyzing feeling of nausea woven through his guts, and it was almost painful to make his knees lift him into a standing position, like forcing a rusted bolt to twist. He couldn’t get his back to straighten fully as he stood, so he crept with a nervous hunch in his shoulders toward Devi’s bedroom.

Johnny swallowed past the dry flesh of his mouth as he reached the threshold of the doorway. His breath trembled again; he was terrified that upon pushing open the door fully, he would find Devi’s lifeless body on the floor, right where he had ‘dreamed’ it was. He couldn’t bear the thought that his worst fear had come to fruition – that his crappy, broken mind failed to recognize reality from fantasy, and either it, or Meat, had tricked him into murdering Devi with a rage that he didn’t even have for her.

Despite his paralyzing fear, his hand settled onto the front of the door, and he creaked it open slowly. Johnny shakingly took a step inside, and even with the only light in the room being the dim reflection of a billboard outside, he could tell that there was nothing on the floor besides the usual scattered belongings. Certainly no bodies, and definitely not the one that belonged to Devi.

He brought his attention up to her bed, and his lips wibbled fearfully at the unidentifiable shape under the purple covers. He could see what would be assumed to be Devi’s head poking out of the lump, resting on a pillow, but that was all. Johnny gulped quietly again. His paranoia couldn’t let him leave it at that – he had to make sure that she was well, instead of just assuming she was sleeping peacefully.

He hurried to the side of the bed, and stared down with wide, fearful eyes at her neutral face that was tucked so snugly behind her curled hand. She wasn’t making any sounds, and he couldn’t tell with his own body shaking the way it was, if she was breathing or not. He continued staring, trying with all his might to determine if her body was rising and falling with lifegiving breath, and only grew more and more panicked the longer he couldn’t stop trembling and focus enough to confirm it.

With a renewed burst of anxiety, Johnny shot forward, jabbing a knee into the fluff of her comforter. He grabbed her by the shoulders to shake her awake with terrified urgency, unable to think of any other way to quell his fears fast enough. Devi’s eyes opened right away, rattling around in her aching head with confused alarm until she heard Johnny’s wailing.

“DEVI! DEVI, DEVI—!” His face pinched miserably as he saw her irises flicker into view and focus squarely on him. His fingers tightened onto her shoulders further as his began to shake again, and he drooped like a dejected, wilted flower against her collar. He continued calling her name, but his voice garbled as he deteriorated into sobs.

It took Devi a moment to register what the Hell was going on, but her shocked expression melted into a tired, exasperated one as she realized Johnny was just having a fit about something, again.

“Nny—Nny!” She tried to urge him out of his crying with a few shoves on the arm, but Johnny only continued blubbering. He was trying desperately to explain himself, Devi could gather that much, but he was completely incoherent. She sighed in exhaustion, desperate to calm him and go the fuck back to bed.

“Johnny,” She set a hand on his head, lazily leading it to lay flat on her mattress. “relax, please. Relax.”

Johnny, whose figure had been half-collapsed on her bed already, buckled from his distress, and he laid loosely at her side like a ragdoll.

“—you were dead, you were dead—!” He managed to blather out, and Devi sighed again. She assumed that this was the result of another nightmare he had, and papped his hair with as much sympathy as she was willing to muster in her fatigued state.

“I’m not dead, Nny. I’m fine… see…?” She mumbled with her eyes closed. Johnny stifled his crying as he tried to accept what she was telling him, but even with the affirmation that she was alive and well, he couldn’t stop his body’s pitiful reaction to fear. He hadn’t been so terrified in a long while – he couldn’t even remember what he would do to ease the feeling before.

A sudden sensation against his hairline startled him out of his grim thoughts, and he realized after a moment that it was Devi’s thumb idly brushing against his skin and into his hair. He stared at the sheets in surprise, unable to do much else besides focus on the strange scratching at his skull. Slowly, his eyelids lowered, but his somber expression remained. Johnny brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly, hoping the pressure would help him relax.

Devi’s fingers stilled after a minute, and he felt her wrist settle loosely on his temple, then eventually slip lower until her forearm rested across the side of his neck. He sniffed, and bent his head down more, but instead of his forehead settling onto his kneecaps, it was obstructed by something warm and flat.

Johnny tilted his head up at an angle, and was surprised to see that what he’d bumped into was Devi’s collar – or rather, the area right below her collar. Her sternum; the bone that he had so viciously impaled with a knife several times in his newest dream. Guilt demanded that he pull his head away from where it rested, but as he turned his head, his ear pressed against her and he felt the light thumping of her heart tickle at his skin. Johnny froze, and his stillness offered him the full, uninterrupted rhythm of Devi’s heartbeat.

Even with his own heart pumping erratically, the sound of Devi’s heart was so audible and loud to the ear that was currently resting against her chest. It was just like any heartbeat, he supposed, but it was so calm and steady, much in contrast to his own which was still wild from coming down off of terror-induced adrenaline. The stable rhythm slowly began to calm him, and he took deep solace in the fact that as long as he could hear that drumming in his ear, it meant that she was alive. He curled further into himself, making sure that his temple was still pressed firmly against her collar.

Johnny chastised himself for a moment, trying to argue through his emotional exhaustion that this was, to some extent, inappropriate, and that now that he knew Devi was safe, he should leave her to rest. But he couldn’t resist the lure of Devi’s soft skin on his cheek, or her arm that was draped over his head, that made him feel oh-so cozy and secure. His eyes settled shut, and with a few lingering post-sobbing sniffs, slipped back into sleep.

--

THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Devi mumbled in the back of her throat as she roused from slumber. There was still a dull ache in her brain, and she wasn’t currently at all fond of the idea of opening her eyes or waking up. Her lip twitched at a weird texture flittering against it, and she snorted to encourage whatever it was to fuck off. Her breathing started to slow again, but after a moment, the tickling feeling moved up to her nose, making it curl and huff in annoyance.

She brushed the unknown irritant away with her hand, and opened her eyes bitterly as she accepted that going back to sleep wasn’t going to happen now. She stretched her back out with a groaning sigh, and brought the same hand up to rub her face clear of any grogginess. As she did, the tuft of annoying, plumy things that had woken her up settled back against her mouth. Devi glared out at nothing in aggravation, then flicked her eyes down to finally see what it was.

Her eyes widened in confusion to be greeted with a pile of twisted, black hair. The confusion was short-lived as she realized that the hair was attached to Johnny, who was curled up in a ball beside her within the small space that her bent legs allowed, his head tucked comfortably under her chin. She blanched, and her cheeks quickly grew red from embarrassment and disoriented, shocked anger.

With a jolt of ego-preserving violence, she shoved him away and off of the bed, leaving only his skinny legs splayed in awkward angles atop the mattress. Devi sat up and glared at his boots.

“Johnny, what the Hell!” She huffed, her cheeks still tinged with color. Johnny rebounded from the initial shock of hitting the floor rather quickly, scampering up into a kneel at the side of her bed.

“OH, UH, I—” His own face blushed in shame, and he looked up to Devi’s glowering face, hoping that she wouldn’t be too angry with him. “I uh, I guess I… I fell asleep, after, um…”

His fingers drummed awkwardly against the sheets as he looked around the room noncommittally. Devi’s expression dropped as she remembered, foggily, Johnny coming into her room during the night in absolute hysterics. She grunted and scowled with some acceptance that he’d ended up passing out beside her.

“You moron.” Was all she could say. Johnny raised his eyes to look at her dejectedly, and she scoffed. She threw her legs off the other side of the bed, and walked around it, and Johnny, to reach her bathroom.

Johnny’s lip stuck out curiously. He wondered if that was going to be the extent of his punishment for unwanted physical contact, but dared not ask. Instead, he pulled himself up to sit on the corner of her bed and waited patiently for her to return. He hoped she didn’t come back with anything to hit him with, like the good, old-fashioned, ‘bar of soap in a sock’ flail.

Devi only washed her face, then reentered her room to frown at him. She crossed her arms at the sight of him sitting on her bed, and Johnny held his hands between his knees, timidly avoiding what he assumed was a bitter glare from her. Devi rolled her eyes as she sighed, and joined him on the edge of her mattress.

“Another nightmare, Nny?” She asked. Johnny’s head lowered from the annoyance in her voice.

“Yes…” He mumbled, twiddling his thumbs nervously. He heard Devi scoff again, and he felt further guilt that she was unaware of the seriousness behind his night terrors. After her unintentionally warm comforting the night previous, he felt compelled to tell her the truth.

“Devi, uh, I actually… there’s something I must confess.” Johnny looked to her, and Devi’s mouth flattened in surprise. She hoped silently that this wasn’t something romantic, given the already ridiculous start to her day. Johnny swung his legs absentmindedly.

“Well, you see…” A sigh. “I’ve been having these… “nightmares”, for months.”

“All of them have been about, well, killing you.” Johnny grimaced as he said it, and Devi’s expression shifted to a different kind of surprise. Johnny continued. “Each time I fall asleep, they get worse; more vivid, more violent. Last night’s was the worst one to date. It was so real, Devi, I—I swore that I’d killed you. I was so certain…”

His hands gripped at the fabric of his pants nervously.

“…I think Meat’s behind it.” He said finally, and Devi took new, startled interest in his admission. They were quiet a moment before Devi replied.

“You really think the dreams are his doing?”

“I do.” He affirmed. “He doesn’t speak to me very often now that I live here, but I’m sure it’s him. I… I don’t know why he’s doing it, but I’m sure that he’s influencing them to be so gory and… awful… and you-related.”

Devi pondered this new development with a healthy amount of bitter suspicion. As far as she knew, Reverend Meat wanted Johnny to live, and had yet to try and influence him to kill anyone. What he wanted Johnny to do was engage in normal human-y things, and lose himself to his emotions, to his feelings. His feelings for her, in this case specifically. She slid her attention back to him with her suspicions hidden, as to not inadvertently express it to Johnny, and Meat, by extension.

“Did you have a nightmare after you fell asleep in my bed?” She asked.

Johnny blinked, having not bothered to even think about that until she mentioned it.

“Oh… no, I didn’t.” He replied. Devi pursed her mouth, convinced she knew the reason for Meat’s meddling this time.

He was trying to drive Johnny directly into her arms, like a bovine herder whacking his cattle with an electric rod. It boiled her blood to think of that shitty little parasite being so crafty. It would be easy for Meat to convince Johnny, without words, that he was urging him to commit violent acts, like Johnny’s previous voices, when in actuality, he was still just pushing this ‘physical longing’ crap.

“I’m sorry Devi…” Johnny’s head hung pathetically. “I know I should have told you. I was just so afraid… Afraid that you wouldn’t… trust me, again.”

He lifted his head.

“So much has changed since we, uh, ‘reunited’, if you’d want to call it that.” He mumbled. “I was scared that everything would regress back to the way it used to be. Everything is so nice now, I didn’t want to disturb it if I didn’t have to.”

Devi frowned at him in disbelief. She was still unused to any kind of heartfelt comments from anyone, especially him. For a moment, she debated whether or not to inform Johnny of the conclusion she’d just come to.

It could be beneficial to let him know, even if that would let Meat know as well, but then Johnny would probably go out of his way to avoid any touching, and maybe even hide his emotions more, just as a precaution to keep any and all feelings for her in check and not vulnerable to the Reverend, as futile as that would be. Devi hated to admit that she… didn’t want that. She liked bothering him, and it was nice to have such a casual friendship with someone after all these years of crappy people and self-made solitude.

She let her shoulders sag in defeat to her own wretched feelings.

“Yeah, things are nice now.” She smiled at him. Johnny was surprised that she would agree with him, and grinned shyly back at her.

“You still should have told me though, idiot.” Devi added with a meaner smirk, and Johnny shrugged in reply with a laugh. Devi pushed his shoulder.

“I’ll forgive you if you make me breakfast.” She offered, and Johnny jumped at the opportunity.

“Okay!” His smile grew wider, and he began slinking off toward the kitchen, lingering as though he was urging her to follow him.

Devi snorted a laugh and got up to join him. She would just keep these nightmares under close observation for now, until she was sure that she was correct about Meat’s intentions.

--

NEXT.

[charmywrites]

Bitter & Sweet (Pt. 1)

Summary: Loosely based on the song “Idols can’t go on for 10 years, right?” by Berryz Koubou. The reader is a foreigner who’s grown up in South Korea since early childhood, upon her mother marrying a Korean man. In her adolescent years, she’s scouted by someone working for a big company and encouraged to audition. Deciding to do it for fun, the reader takes a leap and goes through with the audition. She didn’t really plan to actually get in and go on a 10+ year journey.

Note: I did want to make the gender ambiguous for this, but then I thought about what female idols go through and thought it would be important to showcase the differences in female and male idols’ journeys. So, the reader is female, but that and her idol persona are the only things set in stone about her.

Part 1. Part 2.

“I don’t really care if I’m picked or not.”

The teen in front of you stared wide-eyed as if you were crazy.

“What?!” She exclaimed. The girl’s name was Byun Yoora, just a year older than you from Busan. Honestly, you can’t remember how you started speaking with her for so long. Your initial meeting was kind of her scolding you for playing tag in the hallway. “Why, though? You do know that if you get picked then you’ll have to pay for training, right? Or, actually, your mom and dad will...Do they even know you’re doing this?” The girl went on, eyebrows furrowed.

Yoora just couldn’t understand. This wasn’t the first company she auditioned for, so obviously being an idol was something she wanted so dearly that she even dreamed of it. However, instead of feeling resentment or annoyance towards you, she was more confused. Why are you going into this so lightly? Did you even know what idols did? What trainees did?

Bright eyes stared back at her as you shrugged. “Uh,” You paused, Yoora’s piercing eyes making you actually think about your decision. “Well, I was invited to audition and it seemed fun -- so, here I am!”

Which was true. You briefly recalled being stopped on the street while out shopping with your mother. Some fashionable man gave her a business card and asked if you were interested in being part of the company he worked for; Beyond Entertainment. It was a well known company, so your mother didn’t immediately brush him off as sketchy. After a little research, it was indeed found that the company was having auditions for trainees.

Your step-father was supportive of it, always wanting you to feel acclimated in his home country in whatever way possible. Even though it’s been years since you and your mother moved to Korea with him, that was always an insecurity for the man; making sure the both of you were comfortable and happy. He wasn’t an expert on idols by any means, more so thinking they were something akin to any other music star. Your mother had enrolled you in singing and dance classes before for fun, so he didn’t really see the difference. It would be a fun after school activity, wouldn’t it?

“My dad says he’ll pay if I get in, but I haven’t even auditioned yet, so...” You trailed off, suddenly smiling off her judgement. “Unnie, are you always this serious?”

At that, Yoora’s eyes widen. “Huh? I...” She’d never thought herself in that way before. Should she not have stopped you from playing in the hallway? What if a staff member got mad and told you to leave the audition? The girl was always looking out for other people in this way, and you seemed totally clueless about what you were trying to get into. Yoora was the eldest of her five siblings and the child of constantly working parents, so maybe looking after others was ingrained in her mind. “I think you need to be serious about this.” She countered, arms crossing with a huff.

Your audition number was called out in the hall. You couldn’t lie, your heart skipped a beat in unforeseen anxiety. Nevertheless, you gave Yoora another bright smile and a thumbs up. “That’s me, I guess. Good luck!”

“Wha--” Yoora’s eyes followed as you hurried off. “I’m supposed to say that to you...”

Honestly, she didn’t expect to see you again; that silly girl who was playing tag at the audition of a big company. Even if she didn’t know if either of you were getting in.

Boy, was she wrong.

( 2015, eight years since debut. )

“I thought ‘Wow, she seems so cool but is so cold. How terrible’.”

The interviewer laughed at the story of how you and your group leader, Yoora, met. It’d been nearly a decade since the auditions and eight years since the group, Ultra Smart, debuted. In that time, you and her had become thick as thieves. She took it upon herself to take you under wing, and you were the constant breath of fresh air in a world of constant demand.

Yoora had been right, you didn’t know what you were truly getting into by becoming an idol trainee. Your company was nicer than most, especially since you all had been at a slightly younger age range than most debuting girl groups, but it was still far stricter than any sort of lessons your parents could’ve sent you to. Your life was completely uprooted from the day you became a trainee. They required you to transfer schools, gave you a cellphone with limited uses and told you to give your parents your old one. The only times you were at home was to sleep and eventually, upon reaching the appropriate age, they had you move into a dorm with your group members.

Not to mention the diets, diets, diets. You called yourself being sneaky sometimes and following the set diet for a time, before gaining some weight back because you liked being curvy. However, the inevitable scoldings and loss of screentime was never fun.

‘You dance all the time,’ An old manager would tell you. ‘It shouldn’t be hard to keep weight off, but you’re just a pig, aren’t you?’ Blunt and offensive words like that would be said often to you by staff members, not-so-subtly trying to get you to lose weight. Sad thing was, that manager wasn’t even being mean in his own eyes. He said it with slight humor. It was just ‘normal’ in such a world, to say things like that.

“She looked like she was just there to make friends.” Yoora told the interviewer, giving you a playful glance. “When we became trainees and our schedules got hectic, I was really worried about her, but she handled everything with a smile -- even if she cried to me when no one was looking.”

“Hey!” You elbowed her lightly from your seat while the other members laughed.

In total, there were eight members of Ultra Smart. Originally, there were seven. Two girls had left the group before, one due to a particularly bad dating scandal and the other due to an injury that she couldn’t recover quickly enough from. The company replaced just one girl, calling the new addition the ‘second generation’ of Ultra Smart; making the group six. It only became eight at the addition of Chinese, twin, trainees that the company couldn’t seem to pass up on, creating a third generation.

Having debuted around the same time as Girls Generation, 2007, the press always tried to compare the both of you and it only ceased after the other group’s activities slowed down somewhat. Now, newer groups like Blackpink, Twice, and others were popping up and Ultra Smart was considered a senior group among them. Many were quite surprised that the group was still going, but everyone in Ultra Smart was still under the age of thirty. Still, it was known that girl groups had something of a ‘seven year curse’ and to have the group going eight years strong was impressive. It didn’t come without bumps in the road, however.

“Where do you see yourselves in the next five years?” The interviewer asked. “I know the first generation debuted when they were only young teenagers, so you’ve been in this business and done a lot for a long time. What’s next? I’m sure all your friends are getting married.” They tried to joke with a smile.

Some of the girls looked at each other, while most looked at both you, Yoora, and the second eldest, Sunhee. The three of you were the eldest, part of the ‘unnie line’ and, while you still considered yourself fairly young, the rest of the media world did not.

“Five years older?” Sunhee laughed off, but you could tell it didn’t reach her eyes.

You shifted in your seat, eyes turning elsewhere as you didn’t want to think about what she was probably really thinking of. It wasn’t a secret that Sunhee didn’t want to be in the music world for much longer. The company recognized that some of you were getting older and, while dating wasn’t necessarily prohibited for your group, if word got out that any of you were dating then less work and lines would be given to the member. Sunhee was currently dating an ordinary man and had been for years, she’d even mentioned recently that they were talking about marriage. That was where she imagined herself in five years.

“I want to become a mentor within the company.” You admitted truthfully, wanting to lighten the mood. “No one can perform as well as I do, so why not pass on the knowledge?” A round of ‘psh’ sounded through the air and a few hands reached out to push your laughing figure.

You had developed a sort of uppity and cutesy persona over the years, turning it into a mature haughtiness as time went on. Your image was girly and feminine, and rumor had it that your family was rich. In reality, your family was quite average and in private you were quite the sweatpants and baggy shirts expert. That image made you popular on variety, however, and hosts liked to make fun of you and lure you out of that girly persona to reveal parts of your true self -- which would pop out in comedic ways.

“Perhaps, on my way to marriage.” Yoora answered.

Time stopped as your turned quick as lightening to look at your leader. The other girls were silent as well. This was the first time any of you were hearing about any want for love and marriage from the woman. You, especially, being the first to hear about anything from Yoora. Your heartbeat sped up. Was she dating someone and didn’t tell you? Was she thinking of leaving, just like Sunhee?

The interview concluded with flying colors, despite the mixed emotions secretly flowing through you. You were silent getting in the van to leave, even with the twins, Jia Ai and Jia Yi, constantly trying to get more than one word out of you. All you could think about was the fear of losing your two oldest generation mates and friends. If both of them leave, then you’ll become the leader.

More importantly, your best friend was thinking of leaving the group.

It weighed so heavily on your mind that you even straight up asked Yoora later that night in the dorm. You couldn’t stew on the ‘what if’, not when it was also nearly time to renew your contracts with the company.

“Yoora,” The two of you were watching some horror movie that you could hardly pay attention to. “What you said earlier in the interview...Are you seeing anyone?” Rather than ask her if she wanted to get married someday, the more pressing issue was if someone else was in the picture to prompt that.

A slightly surprised expression on her face, Yoora shook her head. “No,” And, yet, something else seemed to cloud her eyes; a certain guilt was there and it made you worry even more. “I’m not seeing anyone, but...”

“Yes?” You pressed on, hands clutched together in your lap.

The elder sighed.

“I'm not going to renew my contract.”

Your heart jumped, and not in the good way.

( Next. )

Note: This turned out longer than I thought it would be, so I can’t promise the other chapters will be this long. I hope you guys enjoyed this, though! I have no idea what to tag this with, since no idols groups have made an appearance yet. There are definitely going to be other girl groups showing up, as well as some boy groups. I think I plan on mixing up some idols and putting them in Beyond Entertainment. A sort of semi-AU, if you will. So, some groups won’t exist in this world and, if they do, some members will be different while the missing existing ones will be idols from Beyond Entertainment. Anyway, I have some muse left so I’ll be working on the next chapter soon!

[coeurdastronaute]

Giant: Ch. 7

Make my messes matter. Make this chaos count. Let every little fracture in me Shatter out loud.

“Dammit, Kara,” Lena growled from the living room as she tripped over something.

The culprit smiled to herself before taking a sip of her coffee and resumed her amused appraisal of the absolute wrath to which she’d exacted upon Lena’s poor refrigerator. She cocked her head and tried to figure out how she did, and even more impressively, how Lena survived it.

“My bed is snapped in half,” the CEO finally made it to the kitchen, carefully around the remnants of her bookshelf. “It looks like I was robbed.”

“Yeah, I have a bad track record with beds,” Kara nodded, not surprised at all.

“How do I explain this to Francine?”

“Who’s Francine?” the hero cocked her head slightly like the RCA dog.

“Well... she’s my...my housekeeper kind of.”

“Wild rhino attack?” she shrugged, handing over her coffee cup to the CEO who leaned against the counter, surveying it all as well.

“I can barely walk,” Lena muttered into the drink, not taking her eyes off of her kitchen, knowing full well what her words would do to her friend.

“I didn’t--you’re not-- that--” Kara sputtered, taking a double glance at the girl beside her who so casually said such things. “You’re… not hurt?”

“The good kind of barely walk. Trust me. I think it has more to do with sheer quantity than force.” Kara blushed slightly, a little proud of herself. “Ten years of sexual tension could literally destroy my apartment,” Lena realized. “Thank goodness you didn’t wait a day longer and I try to work out occasionally.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I think it’s sexy as hell. No one’s ever wanted me enough to break my appliances.”

“Ugh I don’t know what came over me,” she groaned, hiding in her hands.

“Me. A few times.”

“Lena!” Kara blanched before a fiercer blush overtook her. 

“Just give me a warning, so I can buy sturdier furniture next time.”

“Lena,” she complained again.

“If there’s going to be a next time,” Lena shrugged smiling into her cup as she took another sip, enjoying the squirming and stammering in the girl beside her.

“We’re late for work.”

Kara pushed her hair around on her head, tucking the mess of it behind an ear. She looked at Lena and saw her in much the same state. The loose shirt barely covered her hips. Her hips betrayed bruises and hickeys, marks mimicked on her neck and chest. The alien felt almost proud at the galaxy she created.

“Want to be a bit later?” Lena asked, setting down the mug and sneaking a grab of Kara’s ass. She sprinted down the hall, hurdling the mess on the ground as she giggled as the hero chased her, catching easily.

Never before had Kara called off work. Never from both of her jobs. She never meant to, either, until she was faced with the prospect of leaving Lena’s penthouse, which proved completely impossible and utterly terrifying. If she left, she wasn’t sure she’d come back, wasn’t sure she could stay away. The past six weeks had been a flurry of feelings that left Kara oscillating between what she knew and what she thought she wanted. What felt faded in three years, was suddenly on fire.

Since the moment Lena Luthor’s face appeared on television in National City, Kara became that girl in the hall who couldn’t speak. And when she had to go to that meeting Cat set up, she felt all of the anger boil up, while at the same time, this kind of happiness just to be near her again. And then she read the article, and she realized she’d been afraid of Lena never knowing who she really was, potentially being like her brother. Hating her, and that was too much to comprehend.

But Lena wasn’t, and she was good, and despite time, they still had a comfort together, an ease, this unmistakable kind of space that felt made for them. Friends would have been acceptable. The benefits weren’t terrible though.

So Kara couldn’t leave, just let it all swirling around, so undecided and all over the place. Her brain had enough of it to last her a lifetime.

“It’s just not fair,” Lena complained. “You eat so much and yet… these.” Her hands ran over Kara’s abs, the muscles contracting slightly with the tickle her gentle fingertips gave. “I’ve never seen you work out ever. I’m in the gym every morning. I run marathons. I… I scored 3 goals in the state championships… and I don’t have a single ab. And you...”

“How long have you been waiting to do that?”

“So long,” she moaned and touched the skin there more, enjoying the feel of it.

Kara ran her hands along Lena’s thighs that now straddled her on the mattress that resided on the floor courtesy of the night before. The sheets were a tangle, half covering, half twisted around what they could. She let her own body be explored. Clenched against gentle hands.

Never before had Kara let herself imagine this moment. Or the previous moments, or any of the moments. Surely her heart would have exploded, or she would have never been able to stop running from sheer energy, if she’d thought about the way Lena felt in her hands, or the way she liked her hips kissed, or the way she tasted, or the way she giggled when Kara ran her fingers along her spine, or the way her breath would hitch just before she--

“What are you thinking about?” Lena whispered, smoothing the worried wrinkles of Kara’s forehead.

“How did we get here?”

“I did an interview...” The CEO earned a look and sigh before she realized her jokes were unappreciated for the moment.

“What are we doing?”

“I think what we were always meant to do.”

“You can’t leave again.”

“I know,” she nodded. “I did it to protect you.”

“And I get it… but, we’re… I don’t know. I can live without this… naked… things. Just…” her hands grabbed at Lena’s thighs in her nervousness. “I like having you in my life. I’ve missed having you in my life. I need you in my life, in even the smallest capacity. So I just need you to know that.”

The smile was small, but it grew. Lena watched the girl beneath her, the one who could throw  a pick up truck to the moon but couldn’t swear to save her life. She leaned down and kissed her, because it was better than any promise, and it was so much easier than actual words.

“How about I never leave, and we still do… naked things?” Lena growled, moving to the long expanse of neck. “Often. Together. Anywhere.”

“Yeah, um, yes, yeah,” Kara swallowed and tilted her chin. “That sounds… that. Yeah. We could. I mean. Yeah.”

Lena sat up again only to pull the shirt over her head. It went somewhere in the room while blue eyes grew wider and stared up at her. She bit her lip and placed her hands on Kara’s ribs, enjoying how it felt to be there, to feel the ribs expand with a deep breath, to feel the glow of a blush appear deep in Kara’s chest.

“I’m not going anywhere, Kara. I know it doesn’t mean anything now, but it will,” she promised. “Leaving was the hardest decision of my life, but I... I wasn’t me. I wasn’t anyone, and I was trying to do the right thing. I’d do it again, even without the promise of this moment.”

“Mhm,” she nodded.

“You can’t hear anything right now, can you?” Lena shook her head and rolled her eyes.

“What?”

Lena smiled and watched Kara stare at her. She felt very seen, very real, very adored, and so she smiled and ran her hands over her own chest, enjoying how much it made Kara’s eyes pop.

“Just have at it,” she chuckled.

“You can’t do it again,” Kara realized quietly. “I mean it.”

“Since I was seventeen,” Lena reminded her.

“We can handle ourselves and each other, from whatever comes up. But we don’t run away. If we do this, we do it. We’re not strangers, Lee. This isn’t new, and it isn’t old. It’s both and neither.”

“I’m not scared,” Lena lied, though it was not a lie about her fear of physical pain. She genuinely was terrified of what loving someone else could mean or do to her. That was the most terrifying force in the universe, and of that, she was certain. But she wasn’t afraid of what Kara was talking about, so it wasn’t a complete lie. One day, she would tell Kara she was afraid to love her, not because she didn’t, but because it was scary to be vulnerable and weak and to love. But for now, she knew that Kara somehow already knew, and kept her secret for her.

“I am,” Kara whispered.

“Good thing I’ll protect you then.”

“Good thing,” she chuckled and sat up slightly, kissing Lena’s sternum and melting into her.

The entire day was a mix of sex and take out and remembering and reacquainting. Never before, had Lena not gone into work, not opened her email, not wanted to check her phone, not cared about the price of a stock or the delay in the new prototype from Level Three. The entire day passed, and she fell in love again about a hundred times. Never before had she spent so many consecutive hours with one person. Never before had it felt so nice. Never before had she not wanted to leave. Never before had she spoke so many words, about so many feelings, so honestly.

Somewhere between the burgers and the chinese food, between finding that sweet spot that made Kara unable to speak and the other that made her giggle so hard she couldn’t breathe, between arguing about some memory and dreaming up some future, Lena found that little bit of herself that remained hidden after it all, after the trial, after her brother, after leaving. The littlest slice of what she remembered to be the idealistic, optimistic girl who won state.

They napped, woke up and kissed, lazed, napped, and forgot to pay attention to movies. It was a marathon of being together in the best kind of way. The only way to reconnect, in her humble opinion. She was grateful they put off separating, not because it simply delayed the inevitable, but because it was time that she needed to catch up.

By the time the early winter night rolled in, and the sun set in a quick kind of sunset that barely let anyone have time to adjust, Lena was ready to sell everything and never leave her apartment. It was safe there, they were them, there.

Only when Lena went to order pizza, did Kara decide to go shower, citing the raging smell of sex and yesterday's house fire that still lingered even though Lena couldn’t smell it. It was a reprieve without meaning to be, a break without trying, though both needed to catch their breath. The CEO tried to straighten up what she could, though the damage to some of the furniture was well beyond repair.

She gave up and finally opened her laptop, deciding to at least see if anything was burned to the ground or if her world could survive her absence for a day. She knew deep down, that Kara had used her shower as an excuse to check in with her sister, with her friends. It made her smile to think of the stuttering that would accompany that explanation.

“I think we broke the shower door,” Kara mentioned, as she toweled her hair and made her way back into the living room.

Lena noticed a change in her, the inevitable Kara that came out despite herself. She didn’t stay mad, couldn’t even. It was against her nature. The CEO knew it would take time to get her trust completely, but just having that, the lighthearted, the kind, the good natured person who made her smile with just her love of terrible tv and complete lack of knowledge of anything sports related, all of it was enough. It was all borrowed time she never thought she’d get.

“That one was me, I think,” Lena remembered as she scrolled. “Mmm, you smell good.”

“I feel better. Did you know you left a… there’s a... mark“ Kara stuttered slightly as she took the seat on the couch beside Lena, half leaning across it to lean her head against her arm. “On my… butt.”

“Yeah, I knew. I did it myself. You weren’t complaining--”

“Ugh, Lena,” she complained and hid in her side, burrowing against ribs. “I looked less beat up after fighting a white martian. No! Don’t! Stop looking so smug.”

“I can’t help it.”

With an exasperated huff, Kara pulled herself up and watched Lena work for a few minutes. She kissed her arm and inhaled her smell. There on the couch, they sat, Kara half flopped over, making it hard to type, but still, warm and comfortable. It was easy, it was quiet, it was like they were eighteen and Kara avoided homework while Lena let her distract her from her own.

“We have to talk about this.”

“I wasn’t going to go to this event,” Lena shook her head as she perused the email.

“I mean...us… what we’re doing.”

“Oh,” she nodded, slowly closing the laptop as the words came out.

“There’s just a lot,” Kara explained. “We are friends. Were friends. I don’t want to mess anything up, which is why this… us. You know. And between us, and you, and my job, my side job. We talked earlier… and just… Who we were, and-”

“And my name.”

“No, no, not that. I don’t… I don’t care about that.”

“It has a certain ring to it nowadays,” Lena acknowledged.

“A good one.”

“Kara, if you don’t… if this is all we get, just a day and two nights, then that’s fine. I’m not going anyw--”

“No, wait,” she sat up a bit. “I’m not saying we shouldn’t do… whatever it is we’re doing. I like it actually. I think you were right, when you said we were always something. I’m just saying that we need to talk about it. I’m not going to do this if we can’t talk about all of that stuff. It won’t work. I have to be able to tell you the truth, and you have to want to tell it to me, no more secrets to protect each other. We do it together.”

“I don’t really like talking about things,” Lena reminded her friend.

“I know. But that’s my condition.”

For a moment, Lena pondered the situation. She’d made deals before, but none felt as important as this one. She thought about her parents for some reason. Her mother would have told her to give whatever she could, fully, because that was all that she could do. Her father would have pointed to his orange jumpsuit and told her that was what love got.

“Alright,” she grit. “What do you want to talk about first?”

It was terse and layered, but it was the best effort she could make, and Kara knew it. She wasn’t going to make it difficult, to drag out everything at once, but she had to see if this was even an option. She picked herself up, unable to hold her smile in, and kissed the CEO.

“Pizza. It just got in the elevator.”

“At least I know I can distract you with food,” Lena giggled as Kara covered her in quick, sloppy, happy kisses.

“We have as long as we want to figure it out. So long as I know you want to.”

“You’re going to kill me.”

The pillows were all warm. The bed was in shambles, with the sheets every which way from the almost two days of inhabitants, but neither seemed to notice or care too much of the state of such things. The only light came from the city and the moon, the fire and the stars. Bathed in the chill of the night and the flames that cast them orange, the bodies adjusted and ebbed together, slow and steady, quiet and very much singular. 

Every action had a reaction. When Lena kissed Kara’s neck, she earned a nudge with a thigh. When Kara held Lena’s chest too rough, she earned a bite. It was simple science and it was the only kind of math either could be interested in ever learning.

“You would have really loved it,” Kara whispered, smiling softly as Lena ran her nails up and down her back lazily. She felt Lena’s breath against her shoulder and skin and tried to remember it.

“An advanced alien planet with beautiful inhabitants like the one in my bed right now? Yeah. I think I’d be a fan,” Lena promised. “I wish I would have asked about it sooner. I read some of Lex’s information on it. It sounded amazing.”

“I was always proud of my name. Your name reminded me of it. The way you would say Luthor with such pride. That was what it meant to belong to the House of El.”

“So you were like a princess?”

“No, no, we didn’t have a monarchy. It was more of a… what’s it? With the group of people ruling?”

“Oligarchy.”

“Sure,” she grinned. “Seven ancient families sat in the council. Beneath that was the… kind of like Congress. Except it was just one elected council. And then we had the tribunal for any matters that might need settled, but were not of consequence to the majority of the inhabitants.”

“Complex.”

“It was simple. We kept to ourselves, and we rarely had problems. No one needed laws. It was all about fairness and equity.”

“Tell me about the noble House of El?” Lena asked, watching the fire from the fireplace play across Kara’s face. All was peaceful, all was right with the world.

With a long inhale, Kara smiled and tried to think of when to start. She decided the beginning was apt enough. And she told Lena everything. Told her about the tribes, about her name which was as old as the stars, which meant Of the Stars, which meant that they believed she was born of dust and particles long before even Earth or the sun existed. In undefinable awe, Lena listened and laughed when Kara laughed, and made a million notes in her head, to try to memorize this history, because it was Kara’s history, and because it was important to her, because it was her’s .

Kara told Lena about her father, about the way he would let her sit on his shoulders during parade days and celebrations. About her mother, and how she had nice, warm hands when it was cold, who always told her not to eat so much fruit from the trees in their yard, and yet Kara always would, earning a stomach ache. She told her about the smell of the city, the taste of her favorite meal, the noise the kreof made when they flapped and welcomed the dawn by the lakes, the feeling of being normal, and not breaking things if she wasn’t paying enough attention. It all just came out, stored up and ready to be heard, ready to be shared so eagerly.

From her spot, Lena ran her leg up Kara’s while she spoke. She held her neck, tucked hair behind her ear, watched the way her face changed as she tried to pinpoint a moment, a sense, and share it as accurately as possible.

“Your parents would be very proud of who you became,” Lena promised. “You bring honor to the House of El.”

“There isn’t anymore House of El,” she shrugged. “Our motto was ‘Of the Stars, To the Stars,’ or at least that’s as close as I can get it. It means--”

“From our past, to our future,” the CEO offered, earning a nod.

“To the stars. That’s where I am right now. To the future. I try not to dwell, too much.”

“There’s a difference between dwelling and remembering.”

“There is,” she agreed and kissed Lena, just because she could, just because she was happy, just because Lena got it. “Now it’s my turn.”

“We’re taking turns?” Lena asked, cocking her eyebrow, humming as she leaned forward and kissed her friend yet again, wrapping her arms around her neck and into her hair. “I don’t think I signed up for that. Tell me more about the particle accelerators and the theory of interdimensional visualization.”

“I was like ten when I left,” Kara shook her head. “I only know a tiny bit of science. It’d be like asking a third grader to describe Newtonian principles.”

“Yeah, and?”

“Such a nerd,” she chuckled. “We’re getting to know each other again. I want to know all of it.”

“You already know all of it.”

“You, Lena Luthor, are a multitude of beings wrapped up in a very beautiful package. On any day, you are a thousand different thoughts and ideas and sometimes you do this thing, where you say something, out of the blue, but it’s the end of a conversation you’re having with yourself. So I’m very lost. It used to bug me, and I’d make you explain, and the trail was wild, but now I just like seeing what pops out.”

“You missed me, didn’t you?” Lena murmured, running her fingertips along Kara’s cheeks, skating over cheekbone. It was even quieter than their quiet.

“Every day,” Kara sighed, sweet and warm against Lena’s cheek as she closed her own eyes and burst apart at the seams with the feeling of hands on her, creating her, forming her.

“I missed you. I missed this.”

“We didn’t really, uh… do this. Back then.”

“I know. I mean I missed talking to you. You have a peculiar way of seeing the world. It always… it made me stop and see things a little differently as well. When I was away, I would find myself having these moments that I wanted to tell you about. Like, one evening I found myself wondering if my biological mother ever sat on a bench and read a book as I was doing. It felt like a very Kara question to ask, or think. You altered my brain, and I liked that. I called it my heart-shaped glasses view.”

“The ones from the funeral?” Lena nodded.

“You look at the world in a very interesting way. Evidently you look at me with those kind of glasses.”

“I missed you,” Kara smiled and repeated, giddy at the words. Her hands ran up Lena’s hip, toyed with her shoulder blade, stilled there.

“Even though I hurt you?”

“Anyone who could hurt me like that was going to leave a huge hole. Of course I missed you. I missed how silly you were, I missed that no one else knew it. This sounds ridiculous, but I always felt so cool to be in your club.”

“My club?” Lena snorted.

“Yeah, your club. This kind of group that always forms around you. People liked being near you. You were aloof and so darn cool. And then, you’d ask me if I wanted to leave, and you’d put on your leather jacket or sunglasses, and tug my hand, and I just felt… I don’t know. I got to know you. You picked me to be around. It was a badge of honor. Everyone knew you, but only I got to know you.”

“Well, I wanted to kiss you, duh.”

“And yet you never did.”

“You scared me.”

“I did?” Kara opened her eyes finally with the admission.

“Kara, I moved across the globe to keep you safe. I betrayed my brother. I turned my back on my father. I did those things because it was right, but also because of… because they wanted to hurt you,” Lena shook her head and adjusted her leg, lifting it higher, until it eclipsed Kara’s hip. “You are terrifying.”

“I just didn’t kiss you because you were so pretty.” Lena chuckled and let Kara roll her over, let her settle atop her and kiss her neck before lazily sliding lower. “What are we doing, Lena?”

“If we ever leave this bed, and maybe go out, I’d call it dating.”

“Can we be friends, too?”

“We can be everything,” she promised. “It’s your turn.”

“Right. My turn. The big questions.”

Pondering deeply, Kara used her time to rub her nose against Lena’s stomach. She liked the feel of it, not hard, not too muscular, soft and warm, it clenched when she breathed against it, earning an almost giggle.

“Did you ever try to find your biological parents?” Kara asked, lazily toying with the slope of Lena’s thigh and knee.

“How come you never asked me this stuff before?”

“I don’t know,” Kara shrugged. “There are things you can ask someone when you’re naked that you can’t when you’re clothed. We’re a little more bare, now, aren’t we?”

“It’s easy,” Lena realized.

“So?”

“I tried, I did,” the CEO finally confessed. “I hired a few different investigators to see if they could find anything about me, but no one could before the adoption. I don’t remember anything. Not one thing, or if I do, I guess it’s mixed in with my family.”

“I’m sorry,” Kara cooed, kissing stomach and ribs and hip, all slow and lazy and in no rush at all.

“Oh well. To the Stars, right?”

Sadly, Lena shrugged, not interested in her failure. She played with Kara’s messy hair.

“Well, why don’t we make up a history?”

“You can’t make up history. That defies the point.”

“Trust me, sometimes the truth is the worst. But what would you want your history to be?” she asked as she sat up slightly, intrigued by her own idea.

“Kara, that’s silly.”

“Fine. I’ll give you one,” she decided. For a long while, Kara thought and debated, seriously considering it all. It was serious business, to invent someone completely.

“Your mother’s name was Evelyn. She went by Evie. She played piano and danced, and I mean danced, like if you saw her dancing, you’d think it was why music was created. She wasn’t the most perfect, but she looked like she just enjoyed life, like she figured it out. And she had your hair, and I bet when she was dancing it looked like yours when you get done running. Do you remember? Like after practice, it’d be all sweaty and curl in little spots, fly away all over the place.”

“I’m a terrible dancer,” Lena reminded her and closed her eyes as her hand moved over Kara’s temple.

“Oh yeah, you are,” she agreed. “Because you inherited your father’s two left feet and sense of rhythm. But also his green eyes. And his brain. Your mom knew how to hotwire a car, how to pick a lock, practical things. Your dad carried around a notebook in his pocket and filled it up with numbers and ideas and calculations. He was a dreamer.”

“He sounds very dorky.”

“Oh yeah, he totally was,” Kara chuckled. “That’s where you get it from.”

“Ah,” she laughed. Kara adored hearing it, listening to her diaphragm move and jostle with the amusement.

“And they met in the laundromat.”

“At the bar,” Lena decided.

“At the bar,” Kara agreed. “She was dancing, and he saw her smile, this brilliant kind of one that you get, like when you don’t realize you’re smiling. It looks like you’re breathless. And that’s how Evie looked the night Philip saw her. He was intense. And he had those eyes, and this soft kind of allure. He was a book waiting to be read.”

“She approached him.”

“Definitely. He was way too shy, though he spent the entire night trying to get some courage. He wasn’t going to miss his shot. And when she did, he was super honest. You get this honest streak. I know the Luthors taught you a lot about maintaining average and even keel, but you’re sometimes poetic, and you don’t mean to be, which is my favorite. I imagine that was Philip. Just blurting things out and not batting an eye at it while Evie marvelled and blushed.”

“He wrote poetry.”

“Oh yeah,” Kara decided, sitting up slightly, smiling as Lena joined her. “He wrote poems every day. Worked as an engineer, and his engineer buddies would call him--”

“Neruda.”

“Neruda. Because he wrote love poems non-stop. He would dream in poems, and Evie would nudge him in the middle of the night to keep him quiet. Philip would recite the entirety of Howl to her belly when she was pregnant.”

“I like them,” Lena decided, tilting her head to find Kara watching her as she dreamt of her imaginary parents. “What?”

“You’re smiling just like how I bet your dad smiled when your mom told him he was going to be a daddy.”

“Kara,” she rolled her eyes and hid her face slightly, laughing at the idea. “You’re really committing to it.”

“If you’re never going to know, why not reverse engineer them?”

“Still.”

“They had a tiny little starter house out on the edge of town. Not much of a yard, but enough for a toddler at least. She liked to drive through richer neighborhoods, and they’d dream like we’re dreaming right now, of when’s and how’s and if’s.”

“Mom taught dance and Dad hated people who put an ‘s’ on anyway.”

“Naturally.”

With a hum of approval, Lena adjusted her hips and formed a tiny picture of the people that must have created her. In all reality, they could have been something completely different, but maybe Kara was right. Maybe they were good, honest people who were madly in love and had hobbies and a home and a hope for the future.

“They were in love and happy and wanted me.”

It was a question and an answer, all rolled together. Kara swallowed and ran her thumb along hip bone.

“So in love, unbelievably happy, and they wanted you so much,” the hero promised. “Phil read all of the books he could find about babies. Evie painted a wall in the nursery and made him buy her lots of beets because she craved them all day.”

Lena grew quiet and thought hard about her question, which she had to ask, which Kara knew she had to answer.

“What happened to them?”

With a small gulp, Kara took a deep breath.

“On the night you were born there was an accident. It was no one’s fault, it was just fate. And the doctor’s saved you.”

“I knew that story wouldn’t have a happy ending, and yet it still hurts,” Lena muttered. She pressed her hand against her chest and heaved a heavy sigh out with all of the anger and worry. She had a nice story now, and she appreciated Kara’s effort.

“What do you mean it doesn’t have a happy ending?” Kara asked as she sat up slightly and looked over at the girl who finally relaxed against the blankets. “You’re here. You overcame an accident of fate, a ridiculous IQ, a stint as the best friend of an alien, multiple degree programs, and own your own company, and are currently naked, with aforementioned alien. You have a home, you have… you had food in your cupboards,” she amended as she considered her answer, earning a chuckle. “I mean, the story isn’t over yet, but I think it’s pretty happy. It certainly has potential.”

“You’re skating over a few parts.”

“Yeah, well… My story involved a literal exploded home planet and multiple attempts on my life, but I’d like to think it’s a happy story,” she muttered, earning a tiny tug, a tiny desire for her to be closer.

Lena gave her a kiss because she didn’t want to argue, and because she knew Kara would win. Kara always won, and it was infuriating still. Instead, she kissed her because it was kinder and she was right.

“Thank you for my parent story.”

“It was alright?”

“More than alright,” she promised and kissed her hero again, because the truth was that her heart was bursting, and she didn’t know how to express it. The truth was, that even if it wasn’t true, it didn’t matter at all. She found a girl who would give her an entire history, and that was something.

“You’ve never thought about it?”

“About what?” Lena furrowed, taking her seat on the counter as Kara went to work making them food.

“A future.”

“I can barely handle the present, let alone the past,” she shrugged and plucked a grape from the bunch Kara set out. “Haven’t gotten a jump on the future just yet, Ms. Danvers. Someone threw me against my fridge and had their way with me, and I haven’t been able to even leave my house since.”

“Everyone dreams about their future,” Kara disagreed as she managed to find something resembling food to get them through until they could decide on dinner. Or Breakfast. Or whatever eating at four in the morning was.

“I haven’t had time.”

“You have time now.”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I don’t know,” Kara shrugged, obviously lying. Lena stared at her legs that poked out, long and lean from her own old shirt. She swallowed slightly at the sight of a recently sexed Kara Danvers in her kitchen.

“Tell me.”

“It’s a thing, people ask each other, when they date. Or go on dates. You know. What are your goals, what do you want from life, who do you want to be. Those kinds of things.”

“Oh, well. I don’t date much. And when I do, it’s usually only one or two. I guess we don’t get… to that…” Lena realized, perplexed by the answer. “Which date are we on?”

“We haven’t been on one  yet.”

“Right, right. Can I have a pass until we’re on at least date number three to figure out a five year plan?”

“Think you’ll get that many?” Kara teased, slathering bread with peanut butter.

“I am very confident that I will.”

“I’m just curious.”

“You know what they say about that trait,” Lena warned with a sigh. “Honestly, Kara, I haven’t thought about it. I know we used to dream, but that was when we were kids. I got sucked into this, and you got… you reached your calling. Our plates are a little full.”

With a nod, Kara listened, but didn’t buy it. One of her favorite pastimes was to think of tomorrow, of the following year. It kept her going, it kept her reaching for something. And Lena used to be the queen of dreaming.

“I’m just curious what might have changed since we were teenagers.” With a movement, she handed over a PB & J.

“Everything,” Lena answered quite honestly.

“Yeah,” Kara nodded, oddly saddened by that news, though she instinctively knew it. “But also not much. It’s a weird balance. You wanted to start a punk band, and you wanted to run with the bulls.”

For a moment, they both chewed and thought. Lena crossed her ankles and observed the alien in her home. She earned eyes back at her and a small smile.

“Fine. What do you want to know about my future?” she relented a second later.

“Close your eyes,” Kara instructed, putting down her own sandwich. She tilted her head until Lena rolled her eyes and relented, sassing the entire time. The hero took another bite before waving her hand in front of the CEO’s face. “Okay,” she decided. “Now, I want you to actually allow yourself to think of a future.”

“I plan for the future,” Lena opened her eyes and fiddled with the crust of her sandwich.

“Close your eyes.”

“I have multiple investment accounts and retirement plans, as well as property and an exit strategy from the company, plus personal wealth accumulated through--”

“I’m not talking to you as an accountant,” Kara groaned and shook her head. “You’re so practical sometimes.”

“Well, I have to make some adjustments to the projections if my furniture keeps getting ruined by a sex-craz--”

“Nope, stop,” the hero warned with a smile and mouth full of peanut butter and jelly. She placed her hand over Lena’s mouth until she felt the smile form in her palm.

Standing between the legs that sat on the counter, Kara gave her eyes, those eyes, the ones she knew would be super effective and wear Lena down to do whatever she wanted. She hoped they were still what she remembered.

“Fine,” Lena mumbled and closed her eyes once more.

“Okay. Alex made me do this, before I became Supergirl. I couldn’t figure out what to do after college,” Kara explained, standing up a bit straighter. Lena took another bite innocently. “You just answer the first things that pop into your head.”

“Okay.”

Hair a mess, tossed all over, shirt hanging off a shoulder, legs bare, bruise on her neck, Lena looked perfect. Kara wanted a picture, she wanted to engrave it in her memory. Instead, she just kissed her sweetly, innocently, quietly, quickly.

“Sunshine. Sunlight. Those big fluffy clouds that make shadows but not enough to blot out the sun. Mostly, sunshine,” Lena rattled off with a grin before taking another bite, oddly proud of herself. “This is easy.”

“We haven’t started yet,” Kara giggled.

“Damn. Well, that’s my answer.”

“We’ll start simple.”

“Are you going to tell me what you want from life, too?” Lena asked, peeking slightly as she squinted up her face to keep it a secret.

“Yeah, that’s how we work.”

“Okay,” she smiled and relaxed her features. “Let’s go.”

“Where is your dream place to live in five years?”

“Hm. Right here?” Lena ventured, furrowing at the thought. She really thought about it, realizing that she honestly hadn’t thought about anything like that when she signed the papers and bought the penthouse. “I don’t know. I’d like a house one day. I like living in the city, but I miss having a yard. I’d like a yard.”

“A house with a yard,” Kara repeated, already enjoying this. She watched Lena actually think about it a little more, actually let herself want something. Her face furrowed as if she were solving logarithms.

“I really like those doors that you can open the whole way, like that leads outside, so the walls are windows that you can pull back and then it's like your house is open outside. I’d like that. Doesn’t that sound nice on a summer evening?” she asked, opening her eyes and grinning excitedly. “I stayed at a villa on the coast of Morocco. It had windows like that. And in the afternoon we could open them so the breeze came in. And I want lots of trees. But a lemon tree especially. And one of those with pink flowers.”

“Cherry blossom.”

“Yes, that,” she nodded eagerly. “And the one with the big white flowers.”

“Dogwood.”

“Yes. I like those a lot. Lots of flowers in this yard.”

“See? This isn’t too hard to imagine,” Kara chuckled as Lena realized she’d made up an entire future home with little effort at all. “A house that is open, a big yard, lots of flowers. Seems manageable. But I meant did you want to stay in National City.”

“Oh,” Lena swallowed and flushed slightly. “Oh! Oh. Yes. I mean. I like this city. We moved so much that no place ever felt like home. Except here. Plus, I still own the Hawks. And… I don’t know. They have yards here, right?”

“Yeah, I think so,” the hero laughed and ran her hand along Lena’s thigh, assuring her, calming her. “Close your eyes, you’re defeating the purpose.”

“Right,” she nodded eagerly, closing them again, almost enjoying Kara’s experiment.

“What about for work? What do you want to do?”

“Does it have to be what I’m doing now?”

“Of course not.”

“I love what I do. I’d kind of like to sell it though. Start over. Get rid of everything and start from the ground up. Really make something of my own, if that makes sense. I don’t know how to do it, but… I think I’d feel better. To shed away Luthor Corp, or LexCorp, or LCorp. I’d call it something not as narcissistic.”

“Sounds like you did actually think about that quite a bit. That sounds nice.”

“Yeah?” Lena asked, not opening her eyes this time. Kara kissed her again. “Sunshine. Like, when you’re underwater, and you can watch the light move and dance on the top.”

“That wasn’t part of it.”

“Right, right,” she grinned and shrugged. “I don’t know where all of that came from, my answers. Maybe I really was thinking it all along.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe it’s you.”

“Probably,” Kara agreed easily. “So you’re going to get a house with a big yard and lots of trees. And you’re going to start your own business after saving your family’s legacy.”

“Yes.”

“What about pets?”

“Hmmm,” Lena thought about it hard, pictured her pretend house, her pretend work. “I’d like to be a boss that had a dog they brought to work, but I imagine I’m a bit of a cat person. I’ve never had one though.”

“Never?”

“Nope,” she shrugged, opening her eyes to steal another grape, missing the perplexed and oddly horrified look on Kara’s face. “What?”

“Never had a cat or a pet?”

“Pet, so both.”

“Oh, dear,” Kara breathed, shaking her head. “You can make up for it. Let’s go get a cat right now.”

“As very gay as that is, I don’t think now is the time.”

“You could get both, you know,” Kara smiled at the dismissal before taking another bite.

“They shed and lick and just… have smells. I’m not sold. Maybe I’ll start with a fish.”

“Yeah. I’m sure in five years you can work your way up.”

“Exactly.”

Kara wanted to ask her more, but she saw the furrow and the thinking that was happening with another chew of the sandwich, and so she simply waited, because oddly enough, that was all Lena needed usually.

“In my big yard, it’d be nice to have a big dog though. You know, one of those really big, massive, floppy kind of dogs that’s whole body moves when he shakes? Maybe a cat that naps on the porch in the sun. That sounds good, right?”

Kara put her hands over Lena’s eyes until she felt them close and smiled to herself when she won once again.

“It does sound nice.”

“Do they come with names, or do you get to pick? How does that work?”

“That’s an entirely different conversation,” Kara reminded her. “You know, I think it’s just a little ironic that the alien has to be the one teaching you about Earth customs.”

“Big floppy puppy. I wish you could see what’s in my head. It’s kind of nice,” Lena murmured, ignoring Kara’s jibing.

“I have an idea,” the hero promised. For a moment, she watched Lena enjoy the thoughts before she decided to close her own eyes and picture it. “Okay, so it’s a Thursday evening. You just finished a meeting at work, at your new firm that does… something brainy, and you open the door to your house with the big trees. The doors and windows are open, the lights are on, the breeze is drifting around. The big floppy dog shakes and stretches in the yard while the cat completely ignores you.”

“And the fish has no idea what’s happening on the table,” Lena interjected.

“He’s still alive?”

“Oh no, probably not. But it’s twelfth or so replacement.”

“Of course,” Kara smiled and toyed with Lena’s thighs, felt hands move to her shoulders, keeping her close. “What else is happening in your house?”

“Hmmm,” Lena takes a deep breath and really things, really pictures it all. Pictures herself petting the big dog with floppy ears that she doesn’t know the name of, pictures the cat do one of those yoga-like stretches, pictures the trees in the sunset. “Dinner is being made. And I drop off my bag. And little arms wrap around my leg and greet me, before I-- Holy fuck, Kara! I want kids. Oh shit.”

With a start, Lena opened her eyes and jerked slightly. Kara gripped her legs and kept her grounded.

“That’s not the end of the world.”

“I don’t like this,” Lena decided, shaking her head quickly. She looked quite shaken at the notion, as if it was very foreign and very different than what she anticipated herself dreaming.

“Lena, it’s okay to want that.”

“Do you see what my family did to me? No way am I doing that to a kid. No way will they have to be Luthors. And I went through twelve fish!” She argued, looking away, distracting her worried fingers with picking another grape and studying it intensely before taking a bite. “You can’t give someone who killed eleven fish a kid!”

“You don’t even have a fish.”

“I don’t even have a fish!” she repeated, her shoulders tensing up in a permanent shrug. “Can’t have a kid with no experience.”

“Stop freaking out, Lena, please.”

“I’m not, I’m just saying. That should be a requirement. No fish, no kid.”

“Lena…”

“I never thought about kids, okay,” Lena lied and shook her head until Kara stilled it, lifting her chin with her knuckle, trying to find her eyes. “I don’t… You’re way more effective than my shrink I pay a lot of money for.”

“You don’t have… you know… with her. Do you?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“This isn’t funny,” Lena complained, oddly tired from the session, emotionally exhausted from the past day. All of her shock and surprise ran down her arms as she relaxed, defeated by her own psychosis.

Kara shushed her and held her closer, gently chewed the last bite of her own sandwich and murmured through a peanut butter lisp that it was a long time away and she would be an amazing mother, that she shouldn’t worry, that she hadn’t meant to scare her, that it was a beautiful dream, that it was an attainable dream. Lena just took a deep breath, smelled the distinctly Kara smell that made her feel at ease, the mix of sun and wildflowers that lived in her skin.

“Who was making dinner?”

“What?”

“In your future,” Kara tried, letting Lena lean forward and place her forehead on her shoulder. She ran her hands up Lena’s back, splayed them, covering as much space as she could. A head just lulled against her shoulder, hid in her neck, groaned in complaint, mumbled when lips found skin. “Who was making dinner?”

“I don’t know,” Lena lied, her sigh making Kara’s skin turn to goose bumps.

“Tell the truth. It’s what we do.”

“Maybe it was you. Maybe it was Neil deGrasse Tyson.”

“Probably the later.”

“Probably,” she admitted quietly.

For a moment, Lena just hugged Kara’s shoulders. She closed her eyes and hid there, oddly alarmed at suddenly having an idea for the future. Just like that, Kara Danvers around for a day, and she suddenly had her dreaming and thinking and hoping, infecting her with her ideals and desire for better. It was exhausting to someone who had worked so hard to perfect the demeanor of complete nihilism. She spent the past few years working so hard to shove all of her desire and want and hope down. Now it burst like that geyser she remembered from a trip her sixth grade summer her parents decided they needed.

“Want to know a secret?” Kara smiled into Lena’s neck. “I’m an amazing cook.”

“You’re not helping my newfound anxieties about my newfound future.”

For a moment, Kara just chuckled and soothed Lena’s shoulders, enjoying the closeness, enjoying the effect she still had on her.

“A house on the corner,” she mumbled, moving her hands to hips. “A blue door. I like that. Colorful. Cozy. Very comfortable. Lived in, not too perfect. A fireplace. I like fireplaces. Maybe an old house. One that needs work so I could paint it all kinds of fun colors. A dog and a cat. I’m a reporter. But like, a real reporter. One who does work and isn’t afraid of her editor. One who has experience and integrity. And on Sundays, we don’t leave the house. We eat outside and the dog and cat beg because I like to sneak them table food. When I come home from work, little arms grab my legs too. And you have your hair up, kind of messy, and you’re wearing my old, painted up jeans, rolled up on your legs. And there are little hands clinging to your shirt while you sing some song and check something in the oven.”

“Oh,” Lena swallowed.

“It’s always been you, Lena.”

“Oh.”

“I wanted to know if we had a shot. If we had similar… you know… goals. No sense in this if… We have history. I wanted to see if we had a future.”

“Do we?”

“I could live with lots of flowers and a fish as well, if that’s all we get,” Kara grinned.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“To the Stars,” Lena realized.

“You’re not freaked out, are you?”

“So much,” she chuckled, still slightly dazed at the imagining and the idea of her life. She suddenly had to get a fish when she was only just kidding about that part. It was a lot at one time, the fish being so low on her list and yet suddenly necessary. She wanted to not fixate on it, but it was the safest place to focus.

“I don’t want it tomorrow, Lee,” she promised, pulling away enough to rest her forehead on Lena’s. “I don’t even want it next year. I just want it one day. We haven’t even been on a date yet.”

“We still have to do that?”

“Oh yeah,” she nodded, earning a smile. “A lot.”

“I don’t want a fish.”

“Okay, no fish.”

“Alright,” Lena nodded. She wound her arm around Kara’s neck and shoulders and kissed her tamely. “I might not be good at this whole five year plan thing, but I do have a one night plan right now. Do you want to know what it entails?”

“Sure.”

“Take me to bed. I’ll show you.”

NEXT

[random-gallifreyan-rp]

She Takes Me High

Thank you to @whyarentyoulaughingj for kickstarting my muse and getting this thing done! You’re fucking awesome! Some RJames fluff with a bit of protective!J in there. Enjoy!

The muffled groan and the sound of someone running was enough to get James’s attention. Cautiously walking over to the alley behind one the buildings on campus, he saw the body of someone laying on the ground. He rushed over, looking for any blood. “Are you okay? Do you need me to call an ambulance?”

A pair of grey eyes met his, a bruise under one. “No, I’m fine,” she croaked. “No ambulance. No hospital. Please.” She struggled to get up but ended up losing her balance, James catching her in his arms.

“Don’t try and get up just yet, you’re hurt.” He carefully tilted her head so he could look in her eyes. “I don’t see any major signs of a head injury. What happened?”

“I tried to go after a guy twice my size and I got the worst of it,” she grunted.

Carefully standing up, James held his hand out for the battered girl on the ground. “I’m James. Come on, I’ll take you over to my apartment since it’s not too far from here and you’ve probably got good reason to refuse a hospital.”

“I’m RG,” she said. “And… Thanks, James.”

“No problem.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hey James?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you studying?”

James looked over from his spot at his desk at RG, who was laying upside down on his couch. “Well, I’ve been working on my astrophysics degree. There’s so much life out there, and just… I love the stars.”

RG looked at him with wonder in her eyes. “Are there actually more stars out there? I’ve never seen any because of the light pollution.”

He smiled, setting his textbook down. “One of these days,” he drawled, getting out of his chair, “I’m gonna take you to see the stars. Properly. Telescope and blanket and all that.” He walked over to the table next to the door of his apartment, grabbing his keys.

“Are we getting food?”

“Yep! Come on, there’s a great Chinese place down the road.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

Looking at the sleeping girl on his couch, James was overcome with a wave of love. In the few months he’d known RG, he’d come to love her for everything she was. She had openly told him about all her problems, her mental illness, her background, and he took it all in stride.

Grabbing his new textbook, he sat down on the couch next to her. She rested her head in his lap as she tried to get comfortable again. Running his fingers through her hair, he used his free hand to open the book.

Maybe taking this psychology course was one of the best decisions he’d ever made.

~*~*~*~*~*~

RG waited as the person on the other line answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey Frosty,” she said. “I’m not coming home tonight. No, I don’t need to say the ‘safe word’. I’m okay, I promise. I’ve got somewhere to stay. Okay, bye.”

She ended the call, putting her phone on the charger and laying down on the couch in James’s apartment. She’d slowly been moving things in. A hoodie here, some doodles there. It was sort of becoming a shared space between them.

God, she loved that man. He was her best friend. He was the kindest guy she’d ever met and she could see a future with him. She didn’t really do domestic, but she’d gladly drop everything to be with him. As she slowly fell asleep, she hoped James wouldn’t be too long. He needed the sleep.

Two hours later, James quietly shut the front door as he saw RG passed out on his couch. He headed into his bedroom. Not even an hour passed until the door opened.

“J… James…?”

His eyes flew open, looking at RG tearfully standing in the door way. He jumped out of bed, looking her in the eyes. “Are you okay, love? What’s wrong?”

She clutched at his shirt as he pulled her into a hug. “I… I had a nightmare and Jason came back and you were gone,” she sobbed. James held her tight as the tears soaked his shirt.

“I’m right here, love. Jason isn’t gonna get to me, I promise. Here, you can stay in my bed with me.” He used his thumbs to wipe the tears from her eyes as he pulled her back to his bed.

“Are you sure…?”

He smiled, “Of course I am. Now come here.” He looked at his wet shirt with a grimace. “Wait, hang on.” Pulling the shirt over his head, he tossed it over to the corner of the room before laying down, patting the side of the bed in invitation.

RG crawled in, hoping he couldn’t see the blush on her cheeks, and settled against his bare chest. James pressed a kiss to her forehead and she breath caught in her throat.

“James?”

“Yeah?”

He looked down at her, his hand now on her cheek. Slowly, he lowered his head, giving her a chance to pull back. Instead, she met his lips in a gentle kiss. James pulled away, looking RG in the eyes before hauling her face back up to his.

She straddled him and smirked against his lips as he groaned. Her hands scratched through his hair as his gripped her waist. She pulled back and their lips separated with a pop.

“That was… Wow.”

“Yeah, that was,” he laughed. James pulled her into his chest as they laughed. “But that’s all for right now. It’s a little soon for anything else.”

RG shook her head in agreement before plopping onto her side, waiting for James to be the large spoon. He laughed, curling around her and kissing the back of her neck, delighting in the little shiver of pleasure.

“I’m remembering that spot for later,” he growled playfully as he cuddled her harder.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Good morning, beautiful,” James said as he saw his girlfriend making them some tea. God, he loved calling her that.

“Morning,” she said happily as her boyfriend wrapped his arms around her waist. He kissed the side of her neck and she melted into his arms. “What do we have planned today?”

“Mmmm, I was thinking a nice dinner at a very nice hotel downtown. I rented us a room there.”

RG pulled back in shock. “James, do you know how expensive the rooms there are?! You didn’t have to do that!”

He laughed, pulling her back into him. “Relax, love. I’ve got quite a bit of money from my family, if you remember. It’s fine, I promise.” He placed a chaste kiss to her lips. “Besides, only the best for my girl.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

The dinner was a success, the couple at the table enjoying the fancy setting. As they finished, James led them over to the elevator.

RG pushed him against the wall as they got in, the only ones in the small room. She kissed him hard as he gripped her hips. Biting down on her lower lip, he growled possessively at her moan of pleasure.

The doors of the lift opened and they ran to their room, giggling all the way. RG’s jaw dropped as she took in the expensive hotel room.

“James… This is amazing…”

She rushed to the window looking over the city. The lights twinkled as the headlights of cars were tiny dots below the large hotel. Her boyfriend came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head on her shoulder.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked as RG’s eyes twinkled with wonder.

“Yeah… It is…” She paused. “Hey James?”

“Yes?”

“Why did you bring us here?”

“Well, I thought it was time we took the final step in our relationship and…” His breath hit her neck as he whispered in her ear, “I didn’t want you to wake the neighbors when I have you screaming my name.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

She woke up later in the morning, naked and sated, wrapped in James’s arms. Stretching, she took in her sleeping boyfriend as she got ready to use the large shower in the en-suite.

James woke up not too long after RG. The sound of the shower calmed his nerves when he saw she wasn’t in bed with him. It had been a long and vigorous night and his ego was properly stroked.

RG walked out of the bathroom, wearing on of James’s clean shirts that he had brought and a pair of pajama bottoms. “Well good morning, starshine. The sun says hello.” She leaned over to kiss him, pulling back before it could get too steamy. “The shower’s all yours.”

He grinned, pulling her in for another kiss before walking naked into the bathroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“I’m gonna have to introduce you to my family soon,” RG said as she laid in James’s lap, him playing with her hair as they looked at the stars out of town. “They’re starting to wonder where I’m going all the time.”

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad,” James pondered. “I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”

RG laughed. “Oi, don’t be cheeky. They can be assholes. And J doesn’t really like Scottish accents, so maybe switch to your English one while we’re there.”

A gasp came from her boyfriend, who feigned offence. “Och, lassie! Are ye sayin’ ye dinnae like mah Sco’ish accent?!” He laughed as he over-pronounced his brogue, tickling the girl in his lap as she erupted into giggles.

As they caught their breath, RG relaxed into James’s arms. “Can we go tomorrow?

“Of course, babe. Whenever you want.”

Smiling, she pushed closer to the love of her life and sighed happily.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Caela? J?” RG asked, cautiously entering the kitchen, “Can I talk to you guys?”

“Sure, hun, what’s up?” Caela set her mug down, J just casting a glance in her direction before going back to his phone.

“I know I’ve been gone a while, but I wanted you guys to meet someone.” She pulled the tall, skinny man into the kitchen. “This is James. We’ve been dating for… 4 months?”

James smiled tentatively. “Hi.”

Without warning, J lunged at James, pinning him against the wall. “I swear to god, if you hurt my bird, nobody will find your body once I’m done with you,” he growled quietly, his forearm pressed against James’s throat. James meekly nodded as RG pulled J away, placing herself between J and her boyfriend.

“He’s not gonna hurt me, J. Trust me.” RG reached around for James’s hand, grabbing it and squeezing lightly.

Caela stood from her chair, walked over to here James and RG were standing, and sent James a glare that could freeze Hell over. “Whatever my King said, I will make much, much worse.”

RG growled, dragging her boyfriend up to their now shared room, where they wouldn’t have to deal with threats.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The grunts and groans that came from his bird’s room the night before made J shudder. Never did he want to hear what RG sounded like when she came, but oh no, that sound was forever etched into his eardrums to the point where he wanted to blow his brains out.

As the couple of the year made their way downstairs, J growled as he saw the bruises on RG’s neck.

Setting the plates in front of them, Frost went to clean up the kitchen. J took that opportunity to walk over and whisper in RG’s ear. “Hopefully your you and your boyfriend will be a bit quieter eating breakfast than when he was eating you-”

He was cut off as RG elbowed him in the stomach. He cackled, walking out of the kitchen. James’s eyes widened as his girlfriend sent a punch straight for the King’s jewels.

J caught her wrist. “Oh, those aren’t the balls you want to fondle, sweetheart,” he said with a sickly grin before chuckling to himself as she pulled her hand away and gagged.

~*~*~*~*~*~

James rubbed her back as RG groaned, her stomach swooping as she bent over the toilet bowl. “I’m sorry, love,” he said tenderly. His heart broke as he watched her heave into the bowl, tears running down her cheeks.

Grabbing some toilet paper and a cold water bottle, he wiped her mouth and made her drink a little bit of water. “My stomach hurts, Jamie,” she cried softly as he pulled her into his side on the cool bathroom tile.

“I know, baby. I know.”

She soon fell asleep in his arm, and he was fully content with staying on the floor with her, even though his arse was going numb.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” J ran into his bedroom to find RG and James in a rather… compromising situation. RG had been straddling James, snogging the life out of him while he thoroughly enjoyed it.

He pulled his bird off her boyfriend, nearly throwing her off the bed had it not been for James’s grip on her shirt. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?! DOING THAT DISGUSTING SHIT ON OUR BED?!”

“YOU DO EVER WORSE THAN THAT EVERYWHERE IN THE HOUSE!” RG snapped back.

Hearing the commotion, Caela ran into the room and was blown back by the tension.

“DON’T PLAY INNOCENT, J! YOU’VE FUCKED WHERE WE EAT!”

“WELL I DON’T FUCK IN OTHER PEOPLE’S BEDS!”

“OUR CLOTHES WERE ON!”

“BUT FOR HOW LONG?!”

Caela stepped between them, pushing J back. “Calm down, J,” she said before turning to RG. “RG, what the actual fuck were you two even thinking?”

At that, J’s head snapped over to James, who had been trying to will away his erection in the meantime. “You! You were trying fuck my little bird IN MY FUCKING BED!” He hauled himself into James, throwing him into the wall. “I SHOULD KNOCK ALL YOUR FUCKING TEETH OUT!”

RG and Caela quickly pulled J away as RG tried stepping between them, Caela trying to calm her angry King.

“YOU BETTER GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM AND STAY OUT!”

Caela pulled J away. “J! It’s done. It’s over. Just drop it.”

J growled, glaring at RG and James and kicking them out. They continued what they’d started in their own bedroom, away from J.

~*~*~*~*~*~

RG and James laid on the couch, the TV on but ignored. James was asleep on his back with RG on his chest, also asleep. J walked into the living room, looking over at the couch.

“Fucking idiots,” he grumbled as he pulled a blanket over them. No matter how much he acted like he hated both of them, he loved his little bird. And his bird loved her boyfriend. He decided maybe it was worth putting up with the skinny freeloader if it made his bird happy.

[thatkidwiththeunkepthair]

Consequences of Our Emotions

I don’t even really know where this came from, but I just wrote 6 pages of a fic.  Essentially, it fibs a little bit so that Lucy and Alex are talking like crazy, Lucy is in and out of the DEO but still knows the low-down.

Maggie says no, I make up a reason, and bam, we have a fic.

Enjoy, as it suddenly turned into a chaptered fic.

Maybe future Director Danvers?

“Marry me,” Alex says, and watches as Maggie smiles.  Her heart swells with emotion and suddenly, Alex understands why her father used to talk about when he proposed to her mom, because if this is what it feels like, Alex wants to remember it forever.  It’s been 3 months since Alex was kidnapped, and she’s been waiting for the right moment for half of that time. Maggie’s been there through 3 rounds of pneumonia, and Alex is ready. She’s so ready to marry Maggie, to be her wife.

But then Maggie’s smile falls, and Alex’s heart stops painfully in her chest as Maggie opens her mouth and starts to speak.

“Alex, I was going to talk to you,” she starts, and Alex feels tears try to well up in her eyes. She feels her heart skip a beat painfully and fights to keep her emotions from showing.

That song from Frozen pops into her head before she almost laughs at the sudden thought, and kicks it back into the back of her mind.

“I-I started talking with Emily again.  Alex, I love you, but I don’t love you as much as I loved her.”

Alex swallows and looks down at her feet before her eyes fly back to Maggie’s face.

“What about when I was kidnapped.  What about what you said then?”

Maggie brings her hands up to take Alex’s hands, but Alex steps away from her grasp and swallows thickly.

“I guess – I guess this is goodbye, then? This is our breakup?”

Maggie looks hurt, even though Alex is the one who is having their proposal rejected, Alex is the one without someone else to love, and Alex is going to be the one alone again.

“I’ll come by tomorrow to get my stuff from your apartment,” Alex whispers.  “I’ll bring all of your stuff too.  Is that okay?”

She’s fighting back tears, putting the face of DEO Agent Danvers on instead of broken Alex Danvers, the kid from Midvale who grew up too fast when her alien sister came to Earth. The woman who has just been broken up with when she thought she was the one.

Maggie slowly nods, and Alex is walking away moments later, not even looking to find out if it were okay or not.

“Alex, at least let me drive you back!”

Alex raises a hand, shaking it as she walks.

“I’ll walk,” She bites out between hitching, uneven breaths.

Maggie doesn’t push it.

Alex puts a hand to her mouth as she starts her 5-mile walk back to the DEO, her chest burning with the exertion in the cold and how she bit back hiccupping sobs.  She let the tears flow down her cheeks unhindered. She’d get her stuff tomorrow – Her favorite Elements Table blanket, her Bare-Naked Ladies sweatshirt, the Comforter she stole from her dad after the man had slept with it while briefly away from Cadmus, and her toothbrush.  All others were collateral damage she didn’t want to fight about.

 -.-.-.-

 Lucy’s eyebrows twitched as she furrowed them. Her eyes were stuck on Alex as she watched the agent – now normally filled with joy and, dare she say it, bouncing with excitement – as she sat limply at the lab table, squinting into a microscope.  She watched Alex sigh for the fifth time in ten minutes.

Sebastian, another lab tech, watched Agent Danvers.  His eyes were wide and whenever the senior agent moved even an inch, all eyes flickered up to look at her, back to their work, and then back at Alex.  

Lucy stood on the catwalk above the lab, listening as Vasquez spoke.  Both women were soft as they spoke.

“With all due respect to Alex, she’s terrifying me.  And she hasn’t left the lab in days.  Not even to go home or take a nap. I think she’s on day three!” Vasquez hissed.  

Lucy crossed her arms against her chest as she leaned back against the handrail.  The metal was cold against her back, causing her whole body to shiver violently. Lucy bit the inside of her cheek and glanced up at Vasquez before looking down at Alex.  

“When’s the last time she ate?” she asked, knowing that Maggie wouldn’t have let this go on.  

Where was Maggie anyway?

By the time that 12-16 hours had passed, Maggie was usually tugging Alex out of the DEO by her ear, chastising the agent like she was her mother.  If they were into hour 72, something was seriously wrong. Maybe they were fighting again.  Alex had been quiet ever since she’d confided in Lucy that she wanted to marry Maggie, and would ask her soon.

“I don’t know!” Vasquez sighed, speaking between her clenched jaw. She threw her hands up in the air before letting them flop back onto her thighs as she too leaned against the railing. Vasquez crossed her arms against her chest and looked down at the lab where Alex had now moved on to scribbling down notes.

“If I knew when she last ate, I would tell you.  I wouldn’t hide that.”

Lucy bit back a sigh of frustration and threw a sour look at Vasquez.  Vasquez looked at her pointedly before Lucy broke the look.  Lucy glanced down at the lab again, noticing that Alex was now adding something to the dish she was looking at through the microscope.

“Kara?”

“Oh yeah,” Vasquez scoffed, “Kara would let Alex be up this long without sleeping or eating if she knew. She’s still out with Lena.  They come back tonight.”

Lucy ground her teeth as she looked down at the lab.  The catwalk was silent as she thought about the situation.  Lucy lifted her right hand and pressed her thumb against her lips, her elbow pressed against her right, crossed arm.  

She tapped her finger against her lips for a moment.

Kara would be returning to the city this evening, her trip with Lena finishing off with Kara flying them back.  Lucy’s stomach rolled violently with how much paperwork she would be helping Pam to draw up. She didn’t even want to think about how Kara told Lena.  One Danvers sister issue is enough for her day.

In any case, Kara would return, and Lucy needed to drag Alex out of the lab since Maggie was fucking off somewhere and not helping her girlfriend function like an adult.

She sighed and pushed off the handrail.

“Okay.  Call Kara, tell her what’s happening. Try and get her to come back early if she can swing it with Lena. I’m going to take her to Kara’s apartment, get food in her, and try to figure out what’s wrong,” Lucy announced. She hit the other guardrail with her palms before looking at Vasquez, a new decision popping to mind.

“Get the lab techs out first, I’ll walk in with food.  If I can’t get her to sleep, I will get her to eat,” Lucy explained.  Vasquez nodded and blew out a sigh.

“Thank you, Ma’am.  I was getting really worried,” Vasquez said. She turned on her heel and began to walk away.

“Me too, Vasquez.  Me too,” Lucy sighed out, almost too low to hear. She watched Vasquez leave before she looked down at Alex, frowning.

“God, what’s going on, Danvers? You were doing so good with taking care of yourself.”

 -.-.-

 Vasquez clears the room without Alex even knowing, even though all of the people around her leave. Alex simply remains fixated on her experiment, dropping bits of radioactive isotopes on something akin to a Hellgrammite’s cells, trying to find a way to be able to feed them without actually requiring the right chemicals, which could be harmful to humans.

Lucy walks in with Chinese food in a bag by her side and a big bottle of apple juice.  Alex would never admit it to anyone at the DEO, but apple juice was her favorite drink other than alcohol.  Lucy wasn’t going to give her any alcohol at this point, so apple juice and waters it was.  

“Danvers,” Lucy says as she closes the door behind her. Alex picks her head up from the microscope, finally noticing she was alone in the room.  

Lucy placed the Chinese food on the table and began to unpack it, the apple juice sitting innocently on the table.

“We are going to eat, and I am going to take you to your sister’s apartment.  Or we can do that in reverse,” Lucy commands, her tone leaving no room for argument.  Alex sighs and looks down at her experiment.

Sensing the hesitation, Lucy stares at Alex with a hard, unemotional expression.

“Alex, I just looked at all the security tapes.  You’ve been in the lab for four days straight. Before that, you were in the field for a full day.  You got debriefed and then hit the lab.  You haven’t moved since. If you don’t come with me and eat and rest, I will bring J’onn in here and let him deal with you, and I doubt you want that.”

Alex takes in a few deep, shuddering breath as she listens to Lucy.  Her lower lip quivered, and a jolt runs through Lucy’s body as she realizes that Alex is 90% of the way to crying in the middle of the lab.  

Lucy leaves the food on the table and rushes to Alex as tears begin to slip down her cheeks.

“Alex, hey!” Lucy whispers as she wrapped her arms around the slightly-younger agent, holding her up as her legs all but fail to hold her up.

Lucy carefully lowers the both of them to the ground and just holds the agent, who is now curled into a ball crying.  She feels just how warm Alex is, and her heart skips a beat as Lucy notices that Alex is burning up with fever. She hadn’t felt a fever this bad before, and she wonders if Alex is emotional due to fever.

Alex Danvers isn’t one to suddenly burst into hysterics, but Lucy can only explain this sudden burst into tears as a concoction of malnutrition/starvation, sleep deprivation, fever, repression of emotions, and just pure exhaustion.  Lucy grips Alex close to her as they sit on the floor, Lucy’s legs splayed out with Alex laying back against her chest.

“Alex, what’s wrong?” Lucy asks as she tries to straighten Alex in her arms.  

At Lucy’s question, Alex just sobs, her hands clutching at Lucy’s as she flops back against the assistant director. Lucy’s heart races as she listens to Alex cry and feels the warmth burning against her own skin.  She doesn’t want to know how high the fever is, but knows that if she can’t get Alex to calm down, they’d have a whole different range of problems than just a fever.

She wasn’t the nurturing or coddling type.  When Lois had come home crying about boys, she had just watched blankly, not understanding why her sister was crying so violently.  She’d only watched as her mother clutched her sister to her chest, much like Lucy now did.

Oh God, please stop crying! Lucy thought. Please, Alex.  I don’t do tears well!

Even though Lucy practically pleaded with God and Alex herself, Alex’s hysterics only increased with her previous question.

Lucy took in a deep breath before she sat up a little more, letting Alex rest against her chest as the agent cried.  She didn’t think she’d ever seen Alex cry before, and if she had, it had never been this violent.  Alex’s breaths hitched up and down unevenly as she tried to slow the cascade of emotions, but just moments after her attempt, she began to hyperventilate as she wheezed in breaths between sobs.

“Okay,” Lucy whispered, knowing that Alex wouldn’t be calming down on her own.  She used one arm to take Alex’s right hand in her own.  She gives it a squeeze and hugged the agent tighter to her chest. “Alex, I need you to breathe with me.  You’re going to hyperventilate.”

When Alex doesn’t respond, Lucy briefly thinks she may have to call medical.  Then, Alex hiccupped a few sobs back and, slowly, she bit out a sentence.

“Sh –” Alex cut off for a moment as she coughed hard. Lucy winced as she listened to how deep and wet it was.

“I a-ah-asked h-her to marry me a-an-and she t-told me she-sh-shhhe’s leaving me,” Alex hiccupped through tears. “Sh-She meh-met up with E-Emily and w-wants her b-b-back.”

Lucy is stunned as she clutches Alex to herself, numb with shock.  Maggie and Alex, gone.  Done. Maggie leaving Alex for an ex, and god, that has got to sting, bad.

“Oh, Alex,” Lucy whispers, as Alex cries harder.  Her motions, however, had become less of a thrash, and more stillness has washed over the agent. Alex now simply laid back against Lucy, not a lot of energy left in her body.  Between the fever, the exhaustion, emotions, and malnutrition, it’s not surprising.

Lucy goes for her phone and drags it out of her pocket.  She types in a well-known number and puts it to her ear, hoping desperately that the other picks up.  

Thankfully, Kara’s voice rings through, and Lucy speaks shakily, her sentence surrounded by Alex’s soft sobs.

“Kara, you need to get to the DEO.  Now.”  

 -.-.-.-

 Kara landed just minutes after they had ended the call, Lucy still sitting on the floor with Alex against her chest.  Lucy looks up at Kara, her outfit a bit singed, and at Lena, who looks stunned when she saw Agent Danvers, walls down and crying weakly on the ground.

“What happened?” Kara asks immediately.  She kneels in front of Alex and Lucy, reaching her arms out and taking her older sister into her arms.  

When Alex didn’t speak, simply curling up against Kara’s chest, Lucy was the one to speak.

“Alex and I had been talking about her proposing to Maggie,” Lucy said softly, trying to keep it soft enough that Alex wouldn’t hear, but with her super hearing, Kara would.

“She had a plan, but after the invasion, she leapt on asking Maggie.  Apparently, Maggie was already going to return to Emily.”

Kara’s eyes widen, and she hitched her sister into her arms, hugging her tightly.  She closes her eyes as she listens to Alex slowly calm down again, and feels the burning coming from her sister’s skin.  Her cells were raging attack against something. Just what, Kara couldn’t tell.  

“She was in the lab for a few days,” Lucy explained.  She still hadn’t moved from her spot on the floor. She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, however.

“One day in the field, then immediately to the lab for four days straight.  We’re all so used to Maggie making her leave that we forgot she gets this way.  I was going to get food in her, get her to your apartment for when you returned.  I told her I’d tell J’onn about her being up if she didn’t come, and she started sobbing.  I don’t know what happened.”

Kara nodded, standing up and pulling Alex into her arms. She took a deep breath before looking at Lena, who had moved closer to look at the agent who had dropped into an exhaustion-filled sleep.  

“I can get my stuff, take a look at her.  I did three years of medical school, did a residency.  I’m not a true doctor anymore, but I know enough,” Lena offered.  

Kara immediately nodded, ready to take Lena up on that offer.  She looked at Lucy, shifting Alex closer in her arms, and so that her head rested on Kara’s shoulder instead of simply being held bridal style.  Alex coughed, her cough wet and deep, the sound of mucus churning in Alex’s lungs making Lucy wince and bite back nausea.

“Lucy, can you take Lena to get her stuff and we’ll meet at my place?” Kara asked, anxiously shuffling as she held Alex close.  The thought of taking her sister back to the medical bay made her stomach churn violently. She’d never thrown up before, but Kara was fairly certain this was what a human would feel just before violently vomiting.  She swallowed thickly and, without either of the other two noticing, Kara began to walk out the door.

She found J’onn at the door into the parking garage.  His eyes immediately shot to his Earth Daughter, who was limply laying in Kara’s arms, her breathing audible and ragged as she tried valiantly to take in enough air to meet her body’s need for oxygen.  It was made difficult by the mucus that coated the inside, making the air exchange much harder than it should have been.

Kara and J’onn shared a look.  Kara’s, filled with anger and worry.  J’onn’s, filled with confusion.

“She and Maggie are done,” Kara whispered, glancing down at her sister.  “She’s sick, probably worked herself into another pneumonia reoccurrence. Lena’s going to take a look at her at my apartment.  I’m taking her home.” Kara said it all while looking at her sister, wanting nothing more than to wipe away the tears that were drying and leaving tear tracks on her face.  

J’onn felt his heart skip a beat in shock as he looked at Alex.

“Take her home,” he agreed. “I’ll send Dr. Hamilton to check on her as well.  We’ll deliver anything you need in order to keep her from having to go to the ER or check into the Med Bay again.”

Kara nodded slowly and her jaw clenched visibly. She looked up from her sister to look J’onn in the eyes, every emotion but pure sorrow gone from her eyes.

“Please, don’t do anything against Maggie.  I know we’re like your daughters,” Kara started, “but Maggie has a right to her own happiness as well.  If that happiness isn’t with Alex, then Alex will find her own happiness without Maggie.”

J’onn took a moment to look at Kara before he smiled and patted her on the shoulder.

“When did you become so wise?” he questioned, a small laugh bubbling out.

“I learned it from a great sister.  She’s about yea tall, short hair, currently freshly single.”

J’onn rolled his eyes and smiled at Kara before he looked down at Alex, still asleep in her younger sister’s arms.  She breathed in and out raggedly, and J’onn felt his heart clench almost painfully when he heard the bubbling in her lungs.  He bent over a bit, ran his hand over the top of Alex’s head, and the stood up again.

“I’ll send you a message before I stop by.  You can’t keep me away,” he said.  “Is that alright?”

Kara nodded and gave him the first real smile she’d had in the last ten minutes.  

“Perfectly.  Text me when you’re ready.  I’m going to take her to my apartment so she can rest.”

“Take good care of her.”

Kara walked into the light, where the ceiling stopped and the sky began, and turned back to J’onn.

“Always do,” she promised. She took off, starting her minute-long flight home.

[steveburgos121]

Stolen from Aguilar

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Briana Ileen Aguilar Burgos
2. Are you outgoing or shy? I am mostly outgoing but tend to stay to myself.
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My girlfriend but im fucking scared cause her parents lowkey want to kill me
4. Are you easy to get along with? Yes unless you’re an ignorant asshole
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Yes but they would probably make me do something funny, record it, then help me.
6. What kind of people are you attracted to? People who are short, have a little girl voice, can have their hair look so good when it’s up, can rap No Vaseline by Ice Cube, have a dog named charger, the first letter of their first name is B and make fun of my big head.
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Yes this girl is now stuck with me forever. As soon as she kissed me she sold her soul to me 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Selena Gomez 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nah it’s natural, unless you mention my parents doing it then fuck you 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My homegirl Aguilar 
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? Please keep your head amor. Everything is okay 
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
1.) Chanel - Frank Ocean
2.) Ain’t It Funny - Danny Brown
3.) Legend Has It - Run The Jewels
4.) Land Of The Free - Joey Bada$$
5.) Am I Wrong - Anderson .Paak (I know one of these isn’t like the others) 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? No it’s uncomfortable cause my hair looks fucking flawless… unless you’re my girlfriend then pull my hair while you’re at it
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yes, there’s a lot of good things that happen to people for it to all just be coincidence 
15. What good thing happened this summer? I finally let go of a lot of tension that I slowly built up for two years 
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Without hesitation tf BRING THAT ASS HERE BOIII
17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes, the universe is to big for us to be the lonely ones 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Ha no
19. Do you like bubble baths? I haven’t taken one in a long time so maybe
20. Do you like your neighbors? Don’t really know them 
21. What are your bad habits? I have the worst fucking memory in the history of ever
22. Where would you like to travel? Coachella 23. Do you have trust issues? Terrible 
24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Laying in bed after a long day
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Stomach or Neck
26. What do you do when you wake up? Go back to sleep
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Lighter, I wanna be a light skin
28. Who are you most comfortable around? My family, cousins, and Briana
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No just they’re sorry but didn’t explain why
30. Do you ever want to get married? Yes, I’m planning to wife her down
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? I tried to grow my hair out last year, I gave up after 7 months
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? I don’t know that’s weird to think about maybe Katy 
33. Spell your name with your chin. Sgecr 
34. Do you play sports? What sports? I started running Track this year, one of the best decisions I’ve made in awhile 
35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Ha fuck tv 
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? I think everyone has
37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing I just make weird noises from my mouth, like clicks or pops
38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Look @ answer 6
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Urban Outfitters, Finish Line, Hot Topic
40. What do you want to do after high school? Go to college
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yes, people are human and it sucks 
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I don’t want to interact 
43. Do you smile at strangers? No that makes me and probably them feel uncomfortable 
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? That’s so hard because space would be crazy but imagine what kind of things you could see at the bottom of the ocean… this one is hard
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Trying not to fail school and dropping out to become a stripper 46. What are you paranoid about? If I’m ever good enough 47. Have you ever been high? No but it would be interesting to try it out 48. Have you ever been drunk? Nah fuck alcohol 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Not recently, I’m not sure if ever 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Red, my Nike hoodie I wear to track 51. Ever wished you were someone else? Someone who isn’t always angry all the time 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My height, I wanna be taller 53. Favourite makeup brand? All of them 54. Favourite store? Finish Line 55. Favourite blog? Frank Oceans 56. Favourite colour? Marine blue or dark red 57. Favourite food? Spaghetti or chicken bread 58. Last thing you ate? Cocoa Pebbles 59. First thing you ate this morning? A sandwich my loony made me 60. Ever won a competition? For what? My track team won our first meet by 28 points if that counts 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? No I’m a good boy 62. Been arrested? For what? Still a good boy 63. Ever been in love? Currently 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? We were watching Netflix in eight grade 65. Are you hungry right now? I’m always hungry it sucks 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? My only tumblr friend is my girlfriend in real life so I like them evenly 67. Facebook or Twitter? Facebook sucks ass 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tweet tweet motherfucker 69. Are you watching tv right now? I don’t even have a tv in my room 70. Names of your bestfriends? Briana, cutie, Aguilar, hot stuff, cutie with the bootie, wifey, princess Bri, baby Bri, on and my lovely girlfriend. 71. Craving something? Look at question 1 72. What colour are your towels? Blue 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 I need more fluffy ones 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? With two yes 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Like 4 I think 75. Favourite animal? The one with hair and eyes 76. What colour is your underwear? Dark blue and grey 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Cookie Dough 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? A non existent color 80. What colour pants? Sky blue shorts 81. Favourite tv show? THE WALKING DEAD 82. Favourite movie? Logan , ever since I watched it I haven’t stopped thinking about it 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean girls, never seen the second one 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 Jump Street, that shit is hilarious 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? The girl 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? That’s so hard to choose 87. First person you talked to today? My Father 88. Last person you talked to today? My amorcita bonita 89. Name a person you hate? Miguel 90. Name a person you love? Briana 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Miguel 92. In a fight with someone? Not at the moment 93. How many sweatpants do you have? I had two but my girlfriend stole and I think I lost the other one 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 10 maybe a little less 95. Last movie you watched? Get Our 96. Favourite actress? Dafne Keen 97. Favourite actor? Hugh Jackson and Robert Downy Jr. 98. Do you tan a lot? When I was lifeguard yes 99. Have any pets 4 little dogs 100. How are you feeling? Very very very tired 101. Do you type fast? Not really, this has taken multiple days. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? A couple things, maybe not in the future 103. Can you spell well? Well 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes but then I remember who tf I am 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? No but I want to go to one that would be cool 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes it’s funny 107. Have you ever been on a horse? In Mexico in like 2006 108. What should you be doing? Sleeping 109. Is something irritating you right now? I can’t see my girlfriend for a month 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? I’m not sure 111. Do you have trust issues? Wasn’t this question already asked? 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Briana, like a million times 113. What was your childhood nickname? I didn’t have one 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes multiple times, Cali and Mexico 115. Do you play the Wii? No but I should start playing it again 116. Are you listening to music right now? Yes, Lite Weight by Anderson .Paak 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? I think so? 118. Do you like Chinese food? Fuck yeah, especially P.F Changs ughhhh I want some now 119. Favourite book? I think it would be a tie between The Great Gatsby and Man’s Search for Meaning 120. Are you afraid of the dark? Nope the dark is the most relaxing thing in the world 121. Are you mean? Lowkey yes and I hate it 122. Is cheating ever okay? 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Yes, I could probably be a sneaker head if I wanted to 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? No you can’t love someone without getting to know them dafuq this isn’t a Nicholas Spark book get that shit out of here 125. Do you believe in true love? Of course, I never knew how strong it was until I got my best friend 126. Are you currently bored? I’m doing my psychology book review so yes 127. What makes you happy? My girlfriend, family, music, and track 128. Would you change your name? Nah I actually have learned to really like my name 129. What your zodiac sign? ♋️ 130. Do you like subway? I liked it better when I got it for free 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Date the shit out of her 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Your mom jk my novia 133. Favourite lyrics right now? I see both sides like channel 134. Can you count to one million? Is that even possible? 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I’m 12 inches my mans 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed but I want them open 137. How tall are you? 5'7 138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight 139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette 140. Summer or Winter? Summer fuck snow 141. Night or Day? Day I hate nights 142. Favourite month? October 143. Are you a vegetarian? No maybe I should be… SIKE I love my meat 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark chocolate 145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee 146. Was today a good day? Yes my highlights were my baby and track practice 147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote? We gon be Alright 149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes shit is scary 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “If my lack of emotion had not surprised me from the standpoint of professional interest, I would not remember this incident now, because there was so little feeling involved in it.”

[hilswriting-blog]

Thoughts

By Hilary J. MacDonald

The taste of caffeinated blackness has left my mouth, immediately replaced by a rush of unbound, limitless thoughts. Thoughts popping up so fast I can’t capture them all. Memories of my childhood; yesterday’s breakfast; cats; the sexy date I went on last week; the color of some guy’s cool blazer – all rushing through my mind at once. Thoughts that distract me, limiting my capabilities. There’s a feeling inside the pit of my stomach needing to be filled with a sense of accomplishment. Wait, that’s hunger. These thoughts have distracted me so much that I forgot to simply eat. Let the procrastination of eating begin.

Ah yes, my favorite sweet.

Sweet victory my roommate offers me in the form of those Pillsbury Doughboy® cookies with little heart icons in them. I take six. My mouth is bursting like fireworks during the Chinese New Year. Happy and bright flavors going on all at once. Again, the memory of childhood springs up to when my mom would bake these cookies, or when I made the totally adult decision to eat a full tray of them in one sitting – and to this day still believe that it had no negative effects on me. The taste of water washes everything away creating a clean slate. A clean slate that could maybe help me focus on what I should be doing. However, the need for a new kick causes me to reach for some chips left on my desk. Like, who doesn’t need their whole sodium intake for the day? Every bite arid. My mouth is drying out like wet dirt in the heat of the sun. But I can’t help but to think about one thing: how much I want another cookie.  I can smell the aroma that they left behind, and it takes me to a warm place.

Literally.

I have decided to curl up in my bed after a long, busy week. This may not be a good idea because I’ll never get anything done like this, but I try to work through the inevitable comfort. The smell of these freshly washed sheets make me not want to leave. Not even for cookies. Now all I can picture in my mind are bed sheets hung from a clothesline subtly blowing in the breeze. Fabric delicately mimicking the movement of the invisible air. This reminds me of the apple scented laundry detergent my mom uses which could make me sleep for days.

That would be nice right about now.

Home would be nice right about now.

A new scent is taking over. The scrunched up look on my face could tell it all. It’s kind of like the smell of onions that doesn’t leave your hands no matter how much you try scrubbing it out. A scent that seems quite out of place. I know what it is. Being so caught up in my mind I forgot to bring my dishes from lunch out to the kitchen. It’s like my mind can only focus on one thing at a time – the unimportant things. That’s okay. You can almost blame that on the ADHD because I –––

-*CRASH!!!*-

The sound splits the air like sudden thunder crackles on a quiet night. Heart rate now fast as lightning. What the heck was that?! It turns out that I have failed to place my ruler in its proper spot and it came crashing down like it knew just when the perfect time would be to interrupt me. A ringing of metal dancing through the air. Hair still standing up on the back of my neck. As I was saying before that nuisance, I can try to blame my past experiences of struggling to get things done on my ADHD. It’s better than trying to explain the rollercoaster that my thoughts go on.

With my room now back to silence, I can hear the slight murmur of my roommate’s music with occasional elephant stomps coming from upstairs. This followed by the crunch of chewing on these chips: a sound that’s deceivingly loud. The furnace turns on every once in a while, which is strangely comforting. The deep lulling fills the void of silence knowing that warmth will soon follow. Now, this is an environment I can focus in. Pen strokes scratching away on paper; a sound that is not uncommon for an artist. All these sounds together creating their own, unique symphony.

Snoring.

Bothersome snoring.

Hearing my breathing reminds me of snoring. The endless, constant pattern reverberating into the dark of night, causing corrupt ideas to run through my mind. Monotone singing is coming from the annoyances upstairs; it’s been going on for days. God knows what they’re doing. The furnace turning on and off makes the water pipes creak and crack. The aggravating, repetitive ticks of my roommate’s music is still audible.  This “unique symphony” is obviously one a child would write – and not a prodigy child either. Sounds that were, a few minutes ago, calming now noticeably disturbing. To my left is a bedside table which holds the answer to escaping this raunchy medley. My earplugs. Thank goodness. I tune out the sounds around me and, again, try to push through the deafening thoughts in my head.

Red ink.

There’s red ink everywhere. I ask myself why I used a red pen to write with in my notebook. Red means it’s important, the color of the blood of my enemies, and it catches my eye. Maybe I chose this obtrusive color as a subconscious decision so that I could get this done faster. Smudges graze the paper after falling victim to the cursed left hand. Messy, but meaningful. The lack of lined pages causes my writing to go off in all different directions. My mind definitely has a lack of lined pages. I see the Christmas lights sparkling in the reflection of my mirror which brings a great comfort. My eyes pick up the soft light bouncing off of the tinted paper of my notebook.

I look around to see my room.

It’s like my room resembles what my mind looks like: a jumble of random objects spewed over every surface imaginable. There’s art crumpled up in the corner whereas more art is neatly stacked on the opposite side of the room; those dishes I mentioned before, which escaped my mind again until now; a separate clothes pile for both “used but clean” and “kind of dirty;” stashes of leftover chocolate from Christmas trying to get my attention. I see the ‘baby chick’ yellow color on my wall. I glance down at my notebook so I don’t have to see that sickly color any longer. My dimly lit computer is sitting on my desk, waiting for me to use it when I’m done of this. It’s been waiting for a while. Beside that is the calendar with my entire schedule on it; the best stress inducer invented to this day. Reminded of my procrastination, I immediately have the familiar feeling that I’m never going to get this done. Doubting myself. My notebook still has so much empty space. The red ink starts to quickly fill the pages again, attempting to relieve me of these thoughts.

I feel a breeze.

My toes are sticking out from under the blankets chilling me up the spine. I move around to readjust the blankets so I can survive the Antarctic temperatures of my room. Pen in hand, gripping it so hard that I can feel blisters coming on, while my hand continuously brushes the smooth paper as it glides along with the words being formed. Comfortable in the fluffy blankets of my bed, my eyes become heavy, weighed down by the task in front of me. A sudden pain hits my face as I try to wake myself up. That definitely helped. My hand continues to move vigorously over the page, feeling tired but hopeful. As I’m getting so close to finishing this, I can’t stop the feelings of doubt and thoughts of failure flooding my mind.

I always had trouble with writing – putting thoughts from my mind down onto paper. Either I get distracted or I doubt myself into thinking I can’t do it. Feelings like I can’t accomplish something great, feeling like I can’t be successful. I always handed assignments in late, and I have no idea why. Maybe I was just not confident enough. But how could a bodacious genius not be confident? Thoughts were placed in my head, from either myself or others, that I didn’t deserve to do well. But I’m testing myself. Proving to myself that yes, I can create something I’ve never successfully done before, let alone be proud. In doing this, I am really trying to break these thoughts. I’m attempting something new and I will feel good about it.

I place my pen in the middle of my notebook with a sense of accomplishment.

That’s it.

All of a sudden my head shoots up and my hands slam down with the realization that this isn’t just a thought. I have done it. I have created the first writing piece that I am proud of. I’ve managed to turn all these thoughts into something useful. And no, I won’t be handing this in late. The feeling of accomplishment hits me like the slap in the face I gave myself earlier. I have actually finished it, and damn, does it ever feel good.

[mynameistori]

entry 1 (aug 11)

Hello! Welcome to my blog, I guess. Does this really need an introduction if the audience will probably be just me and the odd explorer (?) who randomly finds this? Anyway, I wanted to start this “diary” thing (log? I don’t know, I haven’t planned that far) because life has been extremely difficult these past few months and while I’m simultaneously moderately impressed at how long I’ve held on for without doing much, I realize that I’m definitely breaking apart and my mind is going haywire. I mean, just 10 minutes ago the idea of shaving my head popped into my head because tying my hair back by my neck made me look ugly. And that’s definitely not something my usual rational self would even dream of because I’ve worked so hard (more like waited so long) to get rid of all of the layers.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. It sounded a lot better in my head 4 hours ago when I was driving back from Waterloo (where I go to school -- my family lives in Toronto, about 1.5 hours away). I think I even came up with a few topics I wanted to talk about, since I don’t really have anyone to talk to these days and my mind just feels so cooped up and trapped. This thought is kind of paradoxical to me sometimes because I crave deep social interactions where I can talk about anything that’s on my mind, and when that happens I can probably talk for a while, yet I very much enjoy silence and definitely get tired of hanging out with people after a certain amount of time -- like an introvert. But I feel extremely lonely and get bored quickly when I’m alone.

I don’t know how much censorship to put into these entries. I would love to be straight up and just use names as is, but there’s always the risk someone I know will find this and spread shit around and I’m tired of that. And who knows, maybe I’ll post it to some social media account just so somebody (anybody) I know can read it and gain insight into my life and maybe offer me the odd piece of advice or comfort I need. I think I’ll keep all names private. But if you’re reading this and you know the story, don’t be a little shit. These are my words and feelings and unfortunately if they don’t sit well with you, bring it up to me privately. Don’t spread it around and ruin lives (mainly mine)... I’m sick and tired of that happening.

Anyway, onto the first story I suppose. Oh actually sorry I have something else, more like a note. I’m writing this somewhat spontaneously, as I’m pretty much just typing up whatever I say in my head. So I guess just pretend I’m having a deep talk or something with you, because that’s what most of this stuff will be… deep talks.

Ok back to what I was getting at -- first story. What to choose? There are so many. I would like to write about what happened two nights ago (because to be honest that’s what has been running through my mind since then and ruining my mind), but I don’t think that’s a good story to start off with LOOOOL. I think I’ll start with home.

Home to me has a lot of meanings. People always say “home is where the heart is” and I think that is the phrase I associate with home maybe 95% of the time (ok I came up with a random number because I knew I had another side to this but it’s not coming to me at the moment). I think I spend a lot of time thinking about the concept of home. Personally, I don’t think I have a location (like a city) I can call home. I don’t think that there’s somewhere I can see myself (or with a partner, if anyone will ever like my depressive ass -- ok disclaimer I have more sides to me I promise I’m just in a bubble of suffering right now) for an extended period of time. “Settling down”, I mean. Might be a combination of my feeling towards family (story for another time, it’s long and controversial), straight up lack of travelling/knowledge about other places, and how young I still am (I’m 22, I don’t think “settling down” is something I really need to care about?).

When I was in high school, I knew that I didn’t want to go a university in Toronto. I didn’t have a great home life in high school, and desperately wanted to go somewhere far but not too far. So I decided to go to UW -- a reputable, relatively new university with coloured faculties (who doesn’t like colour? To be honest I think that was what attracted me the most at first), and a dance community I could probably find my way into to improve my skills (their competitive dance team had won first place in a well-known competition the previous year, and I had been training in urban dance for approximately 2 years back then). So Waterloo became my home away from home and will still be until I finish up my undergrad (in 8 months!!!) and then I’ll move back to Toronto for approximately 3-4 months until I go to London for my Master’s program (assuming I snag one of the 6 spots -- I’m getting nervous just thinking about it). Waterloo has been great for the most part, but has turned sour since the beginning of the year (drama with friends who I lived with; a story for another time, though I’ve tried to forget about it because it hurt me so much). I knew I wasn’t going to be here for a long time (5 years isn’t that long), but I know it’ll always have a special spot in my heart because of all the amazing people I’ve met here.

Sorry, my thoughts can get a little fragmented and sentence cohesion and paragraph closure sometimes suffer... Revision usually catches that, but this isn’t some fancy thing so I’m sorry for everything above and everything to come~

I mostly think about home when I think about Shanghai or when people ask me where I was born. I love being asked about my birthplace but I hate the question that always follows: “When did you come to Canada?” because that always (or usually, I shall not assume) leads people to see me as Canadian-born because I came over when I was 8 months old. I absolutely hate this. It’s actually one of my pet peeves, because I actually feel very connected to Shanghai and always long to go back. I think because my parents made the decision somewhat spontaneously (their life wasn’t extravagant back in China and my uncle was willing to sponsor their immigration so they decided to come over), I feel that I was “robbed” (not really robbed but I can’t think of a better word right now) of a life I could’ve easily lived. I think this is why I prefer living like a local when I go back to visit, because I want to experience the life I never had. And it’s a super convenient one! Why can’t everything be cheaper, transit more extensive, tech more advanced?! Sigh. Another perk of going back is being forced to be offline from social media. It really taught me to just enjoy life and not wait on other people to make things happen. Though I’d love to live in Shanghai, there are so many barriers to deal with. Like the language. I’m not terrible at Chinese, but it’s still relatively poor and translating it from Shanghainese (which I’m much better at but is pretty much dead for people below my age -- thanks government!!!) doesn’t always work. I also dislike speaking it because I’m not confident at all. There’s also the issue of having too much family there (literally all of my relatives), so it’ll never really feel like I’m independent (especially being the youngest cousin, oh lord I’ll always be a baby). I guess even though it’ll always be a place I love, it wouldn’t serve as a place I’d live for a long time (I don’t think I’d last a year there, if I’m being honest about it).

I guess talking about more spiritual homes, I’ve said before that I love having deep talks. I love it when people are comfortable enough with each other that they are willing to share bits and pieces of their private lives, and these are the relationships I crave, though they are the hardest to find and the most painful to lose. I don’t have people I can truly call home anymore. It was my boyfriend for 1.5 years but we broke up halfway through July (another story, wow!). Some of my friends (not anymore, they’re avoiding me) were home to me but obviously not anymore. I recently joined another group of people who like to dance but I still don’t feel like I’m a part of the group (despite how much time I spend with them) because of a couple of reasons, but I think they’re wary about truly accepting me because of my previous attitudes towards them (I had personal reasons as to why I didn’t want to join them but they just know that I didn’t want anything to do with them for a long time) and because for some members my reputation precedes me (mainly because of those personal reasons but also because I was a huge influence on the urban dance community here #successstory -- just kidding, I was overthrown).

Something I’d love to do is to just start somewhere new where nobody knows me, where my reputation doesn’t precede me, and just live life how I want it. There’s so many things I’m scared to do because of social barriers. But I guess there’s also things I’m scared of doing alone (like dining and clubbing). I can never win, haha.

How do I end this thing, do I need a name? I was thinking about this earlier and was trying to come up with some online alias that I don’t predictably use. I decided on using Tori, which is the name I use for my Pokemon games, haha. It also means ‘bird’ in Japanese, and I guess these entries will help me find my way to freedom.

A rough first entry, but I’m glad it got written. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it, whoever you are. Until next time~

[annielaskorp]

Gotta Ticket to Anywhere

TW: Injury, Depression

annie didn't knock on the door. she didn't fucking need to. at this point, owen's house was practically her house. which was fine because his house was big enough to house all the residents of little hope. seriously, the place was huge. but that wasn't important. the important thing was that she got her hands on owen and gave him a nice slap. for scaring her. for acting like it was no big deal. for having to find out from her dad, who apparently was the one to take him to the fucking hospital after he had the accident. when she should've found out from owen. you know? owen? her best friend? pretty much her big fucking brother? and she wasn't even allowed to fucking see him? what kind of shit was that, anyway? and, yeah, her pop was nice enough to drop her off at owen's place, but that didn't mean he was off the hook for keeping her from the hospital. especially not for leaving to go help owen without telling her before leaving that that was what he was doing. fuck them both. assholes. "hey, dipshit! where you at?

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she didn't want to fucking hear it. no excuses. no bullshit. all straight-forward angry confrontational madness. she strolled into that house ready to duke it out between bros, and that was exactly what she was prepared to do. now looking at her douchebag friend's face, she tried to dish out her nastiest snarl. of course, she'd never been one host a lot of facial expressions, so it wasn't really intimidating. just kinda looked like her usual resting-bitch-face. "don't you fuckin patronize me, cocksucker," she huffed, though she didn't really stop him from wheeling her into the living room. asshole. "and don't smile at me like that, fuckwad-- i'm mad at you. you're an asshat and a cock-hole-shitting-fuckin-fuck-fucker." she didn't really have the words. well, she had some words, but they weren't really helpful. annie tried to push him away, but instead simply put her hands on his chest. buff fucking motherfucking ass. "get less buff so i can fucking push you around, brazilian wax mother fucker."

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"my pop can go suck a dick." he wasn't off the hook, either. there was no reason that he couldn't have told her before this. before knowing that he was okay. she might've been able to do something for owen while he was out after the accident. pinched him in the fce until he woke up. you know, helpful things. she could be helpful. albeit violent. "what the fuck. no. you don't just get to apologize. even if you should apologize. becuse you were in the wrong, and you're an asshole. i'm gonna fuckin' punch you for this. you know that," he hugged her, and she rested her head against his shoulder, half-heartedly started to hit a fiist at his chest, "'cos you should've told me. i shouldn't have heard it from my fuckin' dad. fuck you, man." it was upsetting that he didn't think it was a big deal. he should've known it was a big deal. he should've... then again, she couldn't remember a time when she ever told him how she was put in the chair. had she never..? "you're not allowed to go and get yourself killed in a car accident, fuckface. don't ever fucking do that again." if she hadn't been allowed to die in her car accident, then neither could he.

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annie didn't like being patronized. she definitely didn't like being patronized while being picked up. she actually didn't fucking like being picked up to begin with, anyway? so the whole thing had her squirming, huffing, and giving owen a death glare fit for the fiery pits of satan's ass-crack. she pushed on his face as he spoke, didn't even care that he was giving another apology. which, again, he should be giving because he fucking needed to apologize? like, forever. she sighed, audibly. it was an incredibly audible sigh, and that was because she wanted it to be very well heard. because she was upset. and if her expression didn't say it (lol, because it didn't), then she would have to prove it in other ways. "yeah, you'd fucking better cuddle me, you rat bastard." she nosed against his chest, relaxed just the tiniest bit at the hair petting. it wasn't much, but it was better than nothing, she supposed. even if she was still pissed. even if she would probably hold this grudge for a while. "well, fuck you for thinking i shouldn't be in the fucking loop. i don't care what chicks you're fucking or whose ass hole you're licking, i am your loop. your whole loop. i should be the fucking first number on your phone if something happens." what would happen if he'd died? and she never got a chance to see him first? what the hell was she supposed to do if something like that happened, huh? she closed her eyes, wrapped an arm around his chest and snuggled close.

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she almost hated the fact that it was so much easier talking to owen about the difficult shit. probably because owen was just as much of a dick as she was. that is to say, it was both a reason why it was easier to talk to him and a reason why she hated to. what worried her was how resigned to it he seemed to be now. there was no backlash, no dumb fucking jokes. like, yeah, annie really wanted to think that it was just because he deserved it. but she also just kinda wondered if it was because he was upset about it, too. granted, the fucker had been in accidents before. faced mortality. hell, his leg was made out of metal, after all. there had to be some kind of story there, right? "yes. you fuckin' will," it wasn't as angry as her other remarks, but more a matter of fact. at least owen could learn from his fucking mistakes, right? at least he was able to get out of that hospital bed fully intact. or. as intact as he could be, considering he didn't go in fully intact to begin with. at least he was still mobile. that was good. at least he wasn't dead. "you're gonna order us food, right?" because she wasn't gonna let him drive them anywhere. even if he'd probably already bought fifteen fucking cars to replace the one. though, if he wanted to make a call, he'd have to do it from where he was. because annie wasn't moving.

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she'd asked him (more like told him, but in a kind of polite way? whatever. fuck being polite) for food, but she really hadn't put any thought into what she might want to eat. granted, she always wanted mcdonalds, but she doubted that mcdonalds delivered. not to mention, the fucker would probably turn up his nose at every fuckin' bite of double cheeseburger. "what? like i'm gonna fuckin' go anywhere, are you nuts. i'm comfortable. i'm not fuckin' moving anywhere," of course she also didn't answer the question. to be fair, she was a little too resigned to her spot and position to care about what they were gonna eat. as long as owen was there. and not dead in a fucking ditch somewhere. as long as she knew he was going to be okay. and he was still walking upright. and not. well. you know. worse off than he was. "fuck, man. i dunno. shitty chinese food sounds good. as long as it's cheap and shitty. it can't be super fuckin' fancy, you know? that ruins chinese take-out." or delivery. whatever you were supposed to call it. she was quiet for a moment, then finally asked the question, "so what the fuck happened?"

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and it was like laying on a mass that could disappear at any moment, at least that's what it felt like to annie. right then and there. right now. as if one stupid decision could make him gone forever, which is could, actually. "what's wrong with healthy? other than it being fuckin' disgusting, i don't know. and i don't care. i just don't want it." and maybe one day she'd die from something that a long line of bad choices and stupid decisions had caused. but, seriously, annie wasn't made for looking too far into the future. she cared about the here and now, and recently, owen had done something fucked up. and god, he was being so passive about it. it made her so fucking angry. her dad had been passive about it, too. as if he didn't think one stupid car accident could kill somebody. or worse, as if it couldn't maim somebody to the point that they'd have been better off dead. and maybe that was a fucked up thought, but fuck you, and fuck anyone that tried to tell her how to feel. "that's it? you got fucked up and got in the car? and just decided to drive the fuck off? you're such a fuckin' douche, you know that?"

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Other character mentioned belongs to Neva of RP: Abandon Hope