#the one thing I’m telling myself could help make it worthwhile is that I really cannot crochet while watching tv as easily as I can knit

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

I am trying so hard to save money lately, but it is so hard, especially when there are so many things that make me want to spend. the latest temptation is that I really would love to participate in a Make-Along this spring, but don’t know if I can justify spending $60+ on the yarn kit for it (especially when I already have a whole closet-full of yarn from my workplace from when we had a big inventory clear-out last year)

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for stranding my character in a desert wasteland?

I suppose this may take a bit of explaining, won’t it?

I (rude question, M) will say that in the past I have had a rather… difficult time making decisions for myself. I’m a… well, technically I’m a ‘game designer,’ and I had this wonderful idea for a new game. But I lacked a good protagonist! I assumed that given the right character, they could also assist me in making decisions for the game. It was a wonderful idea, if I do say so myself.

Eventually, I stumbled on just the right man for the job. He (34, M) is a rather boring fellow, but he seemed very good for my intentions. He would even fit right in to the setting I’d been imagining— how wonderful is that! Finding the perfect character is an almost unparalleled feeling.

I truly thought the process would be straightforward— direct him down the correct path, have an interesting plot twist here and there, and my game would be perfect. But right from the get-go, he began defying my instructions. You give a man clear expectations, and he decides to go against exactly what you say! Really, how rude is that!?

I had a script prepared and everything, but he simply was not keen to follow my instructions, forcing me to improvise instead!

Despite it all, I was helpless to stop him— not even my control over the setting could help. As much as I attempted to remove possible choices, they would either return on their own, or he would find a way to make them anyways. It was terribly frustrating, but I’d grown rather attached to him as a protagonist at that point, and I was dead-set on making it work.

Fast-forward a little while, and my game actually did catch on! Something about my character being able to make his own decisions was rather appealing to my audience, and so begrudgingly, I chose to let him stay.

However, the developers made the decision to make a sequel of my game— which had absolutely the intention to stain the integrity of my original game. They didn’t even think to give it any worthwhile features!

Despite it all, my protagonist decided that he enjoyed these pointless features, and I could tell the developers were winning him over. But no, no, I couldn’t have that!

You see, I had an area that I’d stashed within my game— one that only I knew about, one very, very special to me. It contained every one of my positive experiences with my original game, so I could remember it without any blasphemous new additions attempting to appeal to a wider audience.

Now that my protagonist was wanting the features of the ‘new game’, I decided to bring him to this area, in an effort to remind him how good the old game truly was.

I’ll be honest, I don’t really remember what happened next— my protagonist seemed rather distraught by it, kept telling me he was happy to see me again— as if I had gone somewhere, hah! I wouldn’t abandon my game like that, I don’t know where he could’ve gotten the idea.

But either way, I had a new idea on how to win him back over— a burst of new ideas and features that I chose to implement into the old game! Beat that, developers!

At this point, my protagonist had settled into his routine of going against what I said, but at least he was listening to me some of the time.

I’ll admit, it was rather nice. No longer did it seem I had to fight with him, and I had even developed a script for every wrong choice he made! No more surprises.

…However, that is, until he got UNREASONABLY attached to one of the new features I’d implemented.

I wouldn’t blame him it he simply liked the object I had given him, but no! He carried it around everywhere he went, and even had the gall to get upset when he lost it!

And not only that, but this progressed into him thinking that it was speaking to him! Can you believe it!? And because of that, he began ignoring me for the sake of following perceived directions from this object!

I gave that thing to him because I’d noticed he was lonely, and obviously I couldn’t be there with him, so I thought that it may be nice for him to have something else to hold.

However, it all came to a point where I was going over good memories I had shared with him, and instead of listening to me, he blatantly told me that he wanted his bucket back.

I suppose it was a sort of ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ situation, as it were. I was done with him and his bucket-loving nonsense, and I didn’t NEED him to make my decisions anymore. And so I cast him outside of the game, into a desert wasteland, because it was the only other map I had on hand.

I will admit, for posterity sake, that I do miss him sometimes. He was a wonderful protagonist, and if I could bring him back, I certainly would. But I simply do not think I could deal with the fact that he’d chosen an object over me. Me! The man who’s been with him since the start!

So, dear reader— am I truly the asshole in this situation?

Edit: What’s with all this nonsense in the comments? I keep saying MY protagonist because he is the protagonist to my game! It’s simply easier to type! I don’t know what you all are implying, but it certainly doesn’t have the connotations you think it does.

[towards-toramunda]

I feel like it’s worthwhile to point out that nobody is saying Ludinus is a good or morally grey guy. Nobody is saying the ruby vanguard is a good group. When people (or at least me idk I can’t talk for others) are saying that seeing the humanity of the people drawn into the other side is important it’s because Matt keeps making a point to bring it up. Matt showing us Tuldus being forced to pray for hours as a child and being punished for lack of piety, showing us a locket with a child on a cultist they’d just killed, showing us Lilliana’s pain, and now with Bor’Dor’s backstory with the gods.

Being a DM myself I think that its important not to discount the constant mentions of the trauma from the masses in this cult because Matt, the dungeon master, the story weaver, the one calling the shots, keeps making a point to highlight the backstories of the people who join the vanguard. I’m guessing (based on the fact that Utkarsh doesn’t watch the show and had no context for what the vanguard was) that Utkarsh came to Matt and said “give me a character idea” and Matt decided that the story needed a PC on the other side.

It really feels like he keeps saying “Look at how these people have been hurt. See them as people with trauma and love and family who easily fell for Ludinus’ lie.”

And that lie is another reason I think its valid to question the gods. Because questioning the gods doesn’t make you want what Ludinus wants. Questioning power, why it acts the way it acts, does the things it does, and doesn’t do the things it doesn’t do, is important in any society! Even one where there are gods (and I’d say especially one where there are gods with questionable morals and backstories). Because while Ludinus is evil and has vile intentions, he is drawing people into his power grab by hiding it in a nugget of truth: many feel slighted by the gods. Many have seen the good things the gods can do and are left to wonder why they’re left to suffer. Why the gods choose to help some and not them. Why their families forced them to worship those they didn’t believe.

And seeing this story NOW when we’ve seen so many stories in real life of people who are traumatized and hurt and confused going to the internet with their grief and being led to hate groups and radicalization feels VERY intentional on Matt’s part. It feels (to me) like he’s begging us to see the ruby vanguard members as people who were drawn in by a charismatic leader who pretended to understand their pain and used them.

Matt keeps telling us its important to see the humanity and the trauma faced by the other side. He could be doing this to flavor the story or to create tension or push the characters to make hard choices or some other reason. I just feel that empathizing with the trauma of those on the other side doesn’t make you akin to a terrorist sympathizer despite what some seem to take from that, and its wild given how clearly (to me) Matt wants us to empathize with them.

(Because this is the internet and people love to misread things:

I don’t agree with the things the people in the ruby vanguard do, I don’t think Matt agrees with it, but I think Matt wants us to feel conflicted with them. I think Matt wants us to believe they’ve been misdirected and could be deradicalized, but its up to Bell’s Hells to decide if they’re willing to forgive the harm they’ve been put through or attempt the effort to deradicalize.

I don’t think it makes any sense to say that questioning the gods makes one akin to Ludinus. Theres a lot to question about the gods. Where did they come from? What even is divinity? How much of their exandrian creation story can we actually believe if they’ve supposedly been hiding the existence of predathos from us? How do we actually know what predathos is? If a mortal can become a god then what the hell even is a god? Etc.

I hope this goes without saying, but just in case: If you don’t want to empathize with real life hate groups please don’t. This is a fictional cult based in the idea that they can release a predator that will get rid of the gods. I don’t see the ruby vanguard as a hate group, a horrible cult that has done vile things and led to the deaths of innocents absolutely, but I hate groups are hateful towards one or many marginalized groups, and thats not this. (I suppose one could argue they’re a hate group for the gods and… sure. I disagree but sure). To me, empathy for the members in the vanguard makes sense in the context of the story Matt is telling, but in real life it is very hard to have empathy for hate groups even if they are formed of traumatized and hurt people who could be deradicalized. I believe deradicalization is necessary for many but fucking hard/impossible for all, and I especially believe that members of marginalized groups shouldn’t feel the need or pressure to help in the deradicalization of those who harm them.

Similarly I believe Orym is valid in his decision to be at war with members of the group that killed his family. Yes I think he is unable to be objective (Liam O’Brien said so himself), but, as a person with ptsd myself, sometimes you need to screw objectivity in the face of trauma. I think we as the audience should be aware that he has lost objectivity so we can better understand his actions, but I don’t think that lack of objectivity makes his choices “wrong”, and its strange to see people claiming that anyone pointing out Orym’s lack of objectivity doesn’t have empathy or morals.)

Anyway this was too long and I should never get involved in discourse again.

[jokertrap-ran]

BAD MEDICINE ~Infectious teachers~ [PC GAME] Kashu Remu (Chemistry) Route Translations (Part 12)

MC’s name is retained as the original MC name Kawana Hina.

* Words within ‘   ‘ are spoken in English – *Spoiler free : Translations under cut! *T/N: Also slooooowly chipping away at this. I really wanna finish this project, so I'm posting it separately from the usual queued posts

Prologue / Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12

Hina: Haa, haa… I’ve finally gotten to school…

Hina: (He said he was going to be on the roof, right? Ahh, but I might not make it in time even if I run to the roof now!)

Hina: Sensei! Kashu-sensei!!! Where!? Where are you!?

Hina: Sensei…

———————————————

Kashu: Strange, isn’t it? Someone who was just within arm’s reach moments ago is now somewhere far, far, away. 

Kashu: Yeah… I didn’t quite understand what loneliness was the last time I said that I was “lonely”…

Kashu: But, perhaps I was… I may have just been lonely at the time.

———————————————

Hina: ……!

Hina: Where are you!? Sensei…!?

Kashu: ……

Hina: (There’s someone lying there… Don’t tell me… Kashu-sensei!?)

———————————————

Hina: S-Sensei!? W-Wha… Why… Why did it come to this!?

Kashu: ……

Hina: (There’s blood… It’s soaking through his white lab coat. No. No, this can’t be happening!)

Hina: I didn’t make it… even though I ran here as fast as I could. I didn’t want you to die!

Hina: I told you that you weren’t alone, didn’t I!?

Hina: I don’t want you to die! Sensei!

Hina: Please wake up!!! Open your eyes! Please!

———————————————

Kashu: …Pftt.

Hina: …Wha?

Kashu: Heh heh. Ahahahaha!

Hina: Sensei…?

Kashu: Ahaha~

Hina: K-Kashu-sensei…? You… You'realive?

Kashu: Of course I am.

Hina: Huh…!? Wait, but, huh? The blood…?

Hina: Are you a ghost… No, a zombie…? No way, right?

Kashu: Ahaha, what are you talking about? You really say the craziest things sometimes~

———————————————

Kashu: Hehehe~ You do know that entering school grounds during the night is a violation of the rules, right?

Kashu: Oh dearie me, you broke the school rules yet again~ How naughty~

Hina: …Huh?

Kashu: If so, then it looks like you’re in for a treat! It’s off-hours now, but should we just do it here~?

Hina: S-Sensei? What do you… wha?

Hina: (He didn’t die… but now he’s trying to enforce the school rules? Wait, but why…? Why is he doing this?)

Kashu: Ahaha. Seems like this experiment is a success♪ You’re a real interesting one, and your reactions are all within my calculations~

Kashu: Looks like it was worthwhile to go through all the extra preparations.

Kashu: Mmhm, I’ve been reminded again that we should all spare no effort when it comes to the pre-preparations before carrying out an experiment, no matter what the experiment may be~

Hina: Experiment… preparations…?

Kashu: Yup~♪

Hina: You mean…

Hina: Everything that just happened was a lie?

Kashu: It’s not a lie. It’s an experiment!

Kashu: Ehehe. Thank you for helping me with this experiment.

Kashu: Thanks to that, I now know how you’ll react when someone broaches the topic of suicide.

Hina: ……!

Kashu: Ahaha, surprised? I mean, of course you are. Who wouldn’t?

Hina: Why would you…

Kashu: Empathy is a powerful thing, don’t you think? It makes you jump over fences and violate rules despite the terrifying punishment that awaits.

Kashu: You’re really just so, so, interesting♪

Hina: (What…?)

Hina: (So the deceased loved one he mentioned earlier and everything he’d cooked up earlier was all a big fat lie?)

Hina: (All, just to trick me into this?)

Hina: Why…?

Hina: (I have loads of questions for him, but I can’t bring myself to voice them…)

Kashu: Well~ I couldn’t exactly get proper results if you didn’t full-heartedly believe me, right?

Hina: What about the blood then? Is it there just so that I’d believe that you were dead?

Kashu: Yup, of course~♪ I couldn’t use real blood, of course, so I used a harmless component that contained iron oxide to fake it~

Hina: ……

Hina: (I see. So I’m just a test subject for him to obtain valuable data from in his eyes.)

Hina: (It doesn’t matter if my worry for him is real… because none of it matters to him.)

Hina: (He was just recording my reactions as data after all… That’s just…)

Kashu: Hm? Hmmmm? Oh my, my, my~?

Kashu: Why are you crying?

Kashu: The experiment was a success, and I’ve managed to record aaaaall the data, so cheer up! Yeah?

Hina: …

Kashu: Oh, but that’s also important info to collect~ I’ll have to make sure to record it well~

Kashu: Penning it down ♪

Hina: …!

Hina: (He doesn’t even notice my true concern for him!)

Kashu: What an interesting reaction. Oh! Rightー

Kashu: Should I really try dying in front of you this time?

Hina: Wha-

Kashu: I’m getting the urge to see what your reaction’s gonna be if I do~ Don’t you think it’s gonna be real interesting to see?

Kashu: Oh, wait~ I won’t be able to record the data down if I die though… Whatever should I do?

Kashu: Looks like I’ll have to ask someone else to take down the results. Still… I won’t be able to analyze it myself if that happens~

Kashu: Hmm, what should I do? It’s definitely a hard choice…

Hina: Eno…

Kashu: Uno?

Hina: Enough!!

Kashu: Heh?

Hina: I was seriously worried about you! I ran all the way here because… what if you really died!?

Hina: And to be told that it was all just an experiment…? That what I did was just the results of your experiment and nothing else…?

Hina: And yet, you joke about dying just because you find it interesting? You truly don’t care about anyone but yourself!

Hina: Damn you!

Kashu: Why are you mad, sacrifice-chan? Hey! Hey!!!

———————————————

Hina: …*Sigh*…

Hina: I ended up yelling at him… which… might not have been a good idea…

Hina: Still, there’s no way I could take it standing without doing anything. I was seriously worried, and yet it was all… just a lie…?

Hina: My feelings are just results to be recorded in his eyes… It really hurts to have that fact thrown at me all of a sudden.

Hina: (But…)

Hina: (I’m sure he doesn’t know the real reason behind my anger.)

Hina: *Sigh*…

[separatist-apologist]

Totally agree that nonprofit work is not really all it’s cracked up to be. I’m currently working in a position that college me would have thought was my dream job, and despite fully believing in the mission, the office politics and sexism can really drain away all enthusiasm for the work.

Fully understand how hard it is to walk away but I’m so glad you found another exciting opportunity. You deserve all the best and I hope this new job is everything you want. Also hope you have some time to decompress before you have to start! ❤️

Working for non-profits is sold to passionate, bright-eyed grads as working for a cause. They don't mention that the cause is capitalism dressed up like social justice. I don't regret my time at one, but I wish I would have known what I was getting myself into. Not that for-profits are any better, but they're honest, at least. Non-profits operate on shoe-string budgets and are designed to suck as much out of underpaid people (often who need the job in order to gain licensure, which they take advantage of) and then spit them back out, burned out and disillusioned while they continue the cycle.

It used to frustrate me that we spoke so often about ending cycles of violence for the community, when the community made up the non-profits staff to begin with. We could start ending those cycles IN our organization and instead upper leadership (who makes over 6 figures) created the most abusive atmosphere. On paper we'll say we respect transfolks, in the office people are endlessly misgendered and there is no accountability because its the CFO/CEO who are constantly doing it.

I thought becoming a manager would make me a more effective advocate for my staff and instead I sat in meetings where our CEO would tell us that she wanted our staff members to be scared and feel like they were being watched 24/7. I sat in board meetings where our lowest paid staff member (who was not making a living wage even in the Midwest where cost of living is low) was told she was greedy for wanting more staff members to help her fulfill a grant that tripled her caseload.

I think I did good things during my time here- I negotiated pay raises for my part time staff who were making $13 an hour when I started when both the fastfood place across the street AND the gas station advertised paying their staff more for a job that was a lot less traumatizing.

I expanded our programming and brought us into the vastly underserved, rural parts of the state where I grew up. And I kept my department consistently fully staffed by creating a culture in which (I hope) people felt respected and valued.

I still believe in the mission. I still think the work is important, necessary, and worthwhile. And I would never advocate for anyone to work in these places unless they absolutely had to. My advice will always be to stay just as long as you have to, and prioritize yourself first. Don't answer the phone when you're off work, don't take it home, don't let them put their deficits on you because they'll take and take and take and it'll just never be enough.

[taintedevesayori]

Sayo's Route: Dark 04

Sayo's Route Masterlist CGs by Rejet

Monologue

A couple days had passed since Laito had kissed me.  I was doing my best to avoid him as much as possible, but that was difficult considering he was supposed to be watching me.  The atmosphere whenever we were together was stifling. The others didn’t want to be in the same room as us most of the time.  It seemed like my silent treatment was driving him crazy, so I guess for once we were even. 

-Sayo enters her room after getting home from school, tossing her bag onto her bed

Sayo: Haah…today was exhausting…

-She unties the ribbon of her uniform with the intent of changing, but someone throws open the door of her room

Laito: Sayo-chan~ Let’s hang out!

Sayo: Ugh…Locks mean nothing in this household…

Laito: Hm~? Were you trying to change? I can help with that~

Sayo: Absolutely not. Those other vampires aren’t going to break in, you know? You can leave me alone while we’re at home.

Laito: So cruel, Sayo-chan…I’m doing my best to fix things, but you don’t want anything to do with me. 

Sayo: Kissing me was your way of fixing things?

Laito: Fine…I’ll admit that I got upset when I saw Subaru’s bite mark, but I’ve tried other things, you know?

(He was trying before that…and I’ll admit I’ve been so annoyed by what he did that I haven’t given him a real opportunity to make up for it, but he didn’t even apologize, so…)

Sayo: You neglected the one thing that’s a big start to making up for it.

-Laito stares in surprise

Laito: Which is…?

Sayo: Haah…it doesn’t mean much if I have to tell you. 

(That’s a little disappointing…if he really did say he was sorry now, I guess we could try to move on from this…)

-He narrows his eyes at her

Laito: You’re still upset, but you aren’t going to tell me what I have to do to fix things? Isn’t that a little contradictory? Seems like you just want a reason to be mad at me, Sayo-chan.

Sayo: No, but if I tell you, then it won’t be genuine.

Laito: Well, if you’re going to be mad at me anyway, I might as well do something worthwhile…Nfu~

-He suddenly pushes her so that she’s sitting on the bed before snatching the ribbon from her hands

Sayo: Laito, what the hell are you doing?!

Laito: Something fun, Sayo-chan. Just be a good girl and wait to find out~

-He uses the ribbon to tie her hands together before she can fight him off

Sayo: Hey! You’ve got a lot of nerve! 

-She struggles to get her hands out, but he has tied them too tight to break free

Laito: Nfu~ This isn’t a sight you see very often~ I could get used to it…

-He gets down on his knees, grabbing her thigh. She glares at him, attempting to knee him with her other leg, but he catches it

Sayo: You bastard…

Laito: I’ve caught you, Sayo-chan~ 

(I could throw myself but that doesn’t sound pleasant…Just one bite is fine. If he tries anything else, I’ll think of another way out of this…)

-Laito places a kiss on her inner thigh before biting down

Sayo: Tch…

Laito: Nn….Just that brief nick from your lips wasn’t enough to remind me…haah…that your blood truly is the best, Sayo-chan…nn….It’s been too long since you’ve let me have a taste…

-She rolls her eyes

Sayo: Oh, yes, because this is letting you…

Laito: Mm…You aren’t fighting very hard, are you…? Nn….do you secretly want it, Sayo-chan…?

Sayo: No. But you might leave faster this way.

Laito: So cruel~

Sayo: You say so often. If I’m so cruel, find someone else to play with. 

-Laito pulls away, licking the blood from her thigh

Laito: But you’re the one I want to play with, you know? Why is it so hard to believe that I like you, Sayo-chan? 

Sayo: Because you’re you. 

-He kisses her thigh 

Laito: How can I convince you?

Sayo: I don’t know. I don’t think you can. 

Laito: I suppose I’ll just have to keep trying~

-He pulls on the ribbon to loosen it before backing away towards the door

Laito: Now you can free yourself. I don’t want to be slapped again, so I’ll go before you get that ribbon undone.

Sayo: I’d be fast then.

-Laito leaves as Sayo unties her hands

Sayo: Haah…he’s exhausting…

[azureflame]

To stay or to leave.

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland

Characters: (Y/n) (gender neutral), Crowley, dorm leaders & Leech twins

Word count: 908

Warnings: Slander towards various characters, but mostly Crowley.

Author’s note: I’m so sorry for being inactive for so long. Life’s been hectic & I’ve been suffering from creative block. Anyways, please keep in mind that the opinions (Y/n) expresses about other characters are my own.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me correctly, Headmaster. I’ve decided to transfer to Royal Sword Academy” (Y/n) replied bluntly.

“But I’ve been kind to you since the beginning! Not only have I given you a home & money for necessities, I’ve been conducting countless research on how you could return to your world. How could you be so cruel” asked Crowley.

“Consider this as karma for all the times you’ve dumped your responsibilities onto me.”

Gasping, Crowley stood up. “I’ve never done such a thing!”

Without skipping a beat, (Y/n) brought up Leona’s unsuccessful sabotaging of the inter-dorm Magshift tournament back in October, Azul’s “assistance” with the final exams, the time they called Crowley during winter break & the multiple instances where they begged for less tasks.

As (Y/n) kept talking, Crowley tried to think of an offer that was too tempting for them to pass up. “If you so wish, I could increase the Madols I give you.”

They shook their head knowing that this paltry raise would be temporary.

“(Y/n), please reconsider. The students would react poorly upon hearing your desire to leave Night Raven College.”

“I know that, but I have to look after myself. Everyone will graduate one day & so will I. Where am I supposed to go afterwards?” (Y/n) adjusted their uniform. “Anyways, I’ve already contacted the school’s headmaster about my situation & he said he’d get in touch with me soon.”

“You’ve talked to Ambrose already?! When did you do that?!”

“During lunchtime.” Just now, (Y/n)’s phone rings. “I think that’s him. Goodbye, Headmaster.”

“Wait!” Crowley watched as (Y/n) left his office. He sat down in his chair, contemplating on his next move.

Time skip to a Thursday evening at the Mostro Lounge…

“Koebi-chan! Help me with the dishes, will ya?”

“Floyd! Stop telling others to do your job” barked Azul.

“Why am I stuck on dish duty? It’s soooo boring!”

“Because you threatened our customers with the prospect of being squeezed! Again!”

“It’s not my fault they didn’t want to tip me! I had to make my time as a waiter worthwhile.”

(Y/n) couldn’t help but chuckle at their banter. While Floyd can be disruptive, he can liven up the place.

“Hey, can I get some service here” asked a student who was with a few classmates.

“Coming” replied (Y/n). Until the day they can officially transfer to Royal Sword Academy arrives, they’ll continue to work at the Mostro Lounge.

At the Mostro Lounge VIP room…

“Here is your paycheck for the week, (Y/n)” said Azul, handing (Y/n) their Madols.

“Thanks, Azul.”

“(Y/n), before you leave, I have something important to discuss with you. Several customers have been complaining about your declining service. Care to explain why?”

Sighing, (Y/n) replied “I haven’t been feeling good lately. Crowley keeps giving me tasks to do & every time I express my concerns, he keeps reminding me of how he’s always been so ‘graciously kind’ to me.”

“Is that so? If you wish, we could have a talk with him” stated Azul in an eerily calm tone, gesturing to the Leech twins who stood behind him.

“There’s no need. I’m-” (Y/n) paused. “I’m gonna be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“If ya say so, Shrimpy~. We’ll be around if you change your mind.”

“I concur with Floyd. It would upset me greatly if something were to happen to my fellow mushroom enthusiast.”

“As I’ve said, there’s really nothing to worry about” said (Y/n) before quickly leaving the VIP room.

On a Friday afternoon in Ramshackle…

(Y/n), not having anything to do, decides to go to the admissions & records office.

Suddenly, the sky turned dark & it began to rain.

Huh? Where’d this rain come from? Whatever. Grabbing an umbrella & bag, (Y/n) ran to the front door. Upon opening it, they saw all seven dorm leaders who were either upset or worried. “Can I help you all?”

“You can help us by explaining why you’re planning on leaving us, Herbivore”

Since they knew the truth, (Y/n)’s expression became much more serious. “You all know about my issues with Crowley, so I won’t repeat them. What I haven’t mentioned before is that I’ve also taken umbrage with most of the guys here.” Before any of the dorm leaders spoke up, (Y/n) raised their hand for a second. “I know we get along these days, but it wasn’t like that when I met you all. Malleus & Kalim are the only exceptions & even then, I’ve hardly talked to the former.”

All dorm leaders felt various levels of guilt after (Y/n) went over some of the things they’ve done, such as Riddle insulting their education & their parents & the massive disaster that was Malleus’s overblot.

“(Y/n). I can’t speak for everyone when I say this, but I apologize for burdening you. By trying to take away your dorm, I became something worse than those who’ve mocked me in the past. Nothing I will do will truly repair the damage I’ve done to you, but if there’s any way I can gain so much as an iota of your forgiveness, please let me know” said Azul.

The other dorm leaders also apologized for their past actions & begged (Y/n) to stay, saying how much they mean to them.

Not wanting to truly regret their decision, (Y/n) said they’d think about it some more.

[missmentelle]

Hi. I am wondering how someone like you or people in similar professions cope with so much pain from other people? I imagine most people who choose these kinds of professions are people with high empathy and people who want to help other people. But the fact that you just can’t help everyone, when you see how much pain and suffering so many people are in, isn’t it hard to bear? Or actually, you can’t really help anyone, you can only try to be there and be a sort of guide in what they themselves decides they want to heal/change. You can’t MAKE anyone heal, in the end it’s all up to them, no matter how much you want to and try to. How do you detach yourself from their pain and the outcome, when at the same time you need to be empathetic and invested in their life and emotions? What do you tell yourself? How does one manage that balance of not either becoming indifferent and shutting off empathy or become consumed by their emotions and worrying sick for them and wanting to interfere? I find it really difficult to cope with. (I’m not in this profession but I have considered it, this is just a big problem for me) It pains me a lot when people around me are hurting, even watching/reading/hearing news is so difficult for me that I avoid it, because I just want to make it better and help somehow but I can’t, not enough at least. Because I’m the end I need to leave it up to themselves.

To be honest, after nearly a decade in this field, the thing I struggle the most with is not the people who don't want to be helped - people have the right to make their own decisions, and I can make peace with that. What I really struggle with is seeing the many, many people who desperately want help, but have no opportunity to receive it.

I have worked with homeless and insecurely-housed youth for most of my career. I have watched many, many youth that I have cared about cause a lot of harm to themselves and others, despite doing my best to give them support and connect them to the right resources. You are absolutely right - you cannot make someone heal, and sometimes people are simply not in a place where they are ready to start the healing process, or even to start thinking more critically about their actions and experiences. Sometimes, people never get to that point - I have known a lot of people who did not get to live to see 25. That's an enormously painful and heavy thing. I remember the name and face of every youth I have ever lost, and there are countless more that I worry about all the time, even if I am no longer part of their lives.

It's not easy to cope with that kind of pain, but I find (I think) healthy ways to manage it. I do have to remind myself that it is not my role to save people; it is my role to do the best I can to provide the best support I can for whatever amount of time I have with a person, and I think I do that for all the folks that I work with. The support that I can give to a young person is not nothing, even if their stories do not have happy endings - if I can give a young person even a single day where they felt listened to and heard, even if I could not solve the problems, that is a worthwhile thing. My goal is not to steer people toward "good" decisions - my goal is to offer accurate information and a space for people to think critically about their decisions, and make informed choices about the decisions and risks that they feel are best for them. I am at peace with the work that I personally do with the clients I work with.

What I am not at peace with is the system I work within. For every client I work with who simply doesn't want help, I have dozens who are screaming out for it and are unable to get it. At the moment, I manage a short-term residential program for youth in crisis. The youth we work with have so many needs - they need housing. They need stability. They need a mental health appointment that isn't eight months away. They need reliable access to their prescriptions. They need educational and employment opportunities that are meaningful to them, with the supports they need to succeed. And for most of them, those basic supports are simply... not available. It doesn't matter how ready and eager the youth is; waitlists for basic services are months or even years long, and there's just nothing that any one individual worker can do to fix that overnight. It is not realistic to expect a person to make huge progress with their mental heath while they are living on a cot at an emergency housing program, cared for by a constantly-revolving cast of strangers, and yet that is what our system requires of its most vulnerable young people. Our system is pointlessly cruel, and benefits almost nobody. That part, I struggle with a lot.

As far as working in the field goes, I now supervise a large team of other professionals, and these are feelings that I help my staff work through in their own practice. The best advice I can give to people in the helping professions - or people potentially interested in a career there - to maintain your own mental health in the face of so much suffering is:

Take breaks. Use single every minute of your paid time off. Sometimes you need to take a break from a particular setting or even from the field entirely; if you feel burnout or despair or nihilism starting to creep up on you, start looking for an exit route. There will always be more jobs in social work/healthcare/emergency response, etc, but there is only one you.

Have a life outside of helping. I can't work full-time in this field and also spend every spare minute of my free time on activism and volunteering in this field. Perhaps some people can manage that, but if I tried it, my rage would simply consume me. I need other hobbies and interests if I'm going to be a functional person - whether it's painting, Netflix, novels, working out, cooking, time with friends, sports, camping or cars, everyone needs something they just enjoy.

Have a good supervisor. Obviously this is easier said than done, but if you are working in a field where you are constantly exposed to others' suffering and trauma, you should expect to have a supervisor who is available to debrief, discuss, vent and provide helpful feedback on the work you're doing. Supervision needs to be a safe space where you can speak openly about your struggles. If you do not have a supervisor who is doing that for you, it might be time to start the hunt for a new, more supportive job.

Remember your role. If I task myself with personally saving the whole world and fixing all of the problems I will lose my goddamn mind. I think it's important to remind ourselves "This is my role, this is the support I can provide, this is how I will know that I am doing a good job". "Saving people" can never be the goal I assign myself; if my role is to have supportive conversations and make connections to resources, I need to remind myself that those are the things I need to evaluate myself on and that I am doing a great job by doing that well, even if I am not "fixing" the client's entire life.

Remember your clients' autonomy. I think it's actually incredibly harmful for people in the helping professions to entertain the idea that they can "save" people, or that the outcome of someone's life is all dependent on how they do their jobs - I think that harms the professional as well as the client. We need to remember that we are not there to make people's choices for them. If a client continues to engage in "high-risk" behaviour, but they are well informed of the risk and know where they can find information and resources on managing that risk, that is a successful outcome, even if it doesn't instinctively "feel" like one.

Compartmentalize. Going home after work and staying up all night worrying about my clients might seem like an empathetic thing to do, but it benefits no one - it doesn't change their circumstances and just burns me out faster, leaving them with less support. Obviously we are all human and it can be hard to "switch off" concern and thoughts about clients after leaving work, but I think it's a skill that is important to develop over time. It might feel cold to think "okay, it's 5:05, no more thinking about clients until 9am tomorrow", but doing this allows me to be more effective in the hours that I am actually available to provide support.

I would honestly encourage anyone in the helping professions who is struggling to seek mental health support for themselves. Many therapists have their own therapist. It is, truthfully, not easy to process the sheer amount of pain and suffering we see on a daily basis, and I think it's actually very important for all of us to seek the appropriate professional help with it, and not simply "suck it up" and push away our own pain because our clients are suffering more. And, ultimately, this profession is just not for everyone. Some people are able to do this work and still enjoy their own lives, but some people simply are not, and there is absolutely no shame in admitting that to yourself. It is okay to realize that being exposed to that level of pain every day will harm you, and that that's not something you're able to take on - there are ways to help that don't involve such constant direct exposure to human misery, and we all need to keep ourselves healthy before we are able to help others. Hope this answers your question! MM

[bard-llama]

WiP Wednesday: The Seduction of the Innocent

Okay, firstly, this entire idea is really the brainchild of myself and steveelotaku and we’ve had fun coming up with stuff for it. The title is his suggestion - based on that crackpot book written about Batman and Robin being gay and corrupting the youth of America. It’s PERFECT for a fic that is all about Zuko writing a comic strip to help support his thesis as he goes to Ba Sing Se University lol

Premise: Zuko needs a hobby to keep himself occupied during the idle times of teaserving/vigilantism - and ends up writing. His new BFF Jin also suggests that he apply for Ba Sing Se University when his history of researching the Avatar and their cultures comes out. So Zuko ends up writing a thesis that studying ancient/declining cultures (Air Nomads and the Water Tribes) is worthwhile in the world today (bc the Water Tribes still exist and there’s 1 living Air Nomad). To help make his point/spread knowledge about the different cultures, he and Jin end up creating a comic series about The Adventures of the Blue Spirit and the Avatar (and co). Through the hijinks of the Blue Spirit and the Avatar traveling around the world (remember, there’s no war in Ba Sing Se), they fight crime and evildoers and teach each other about their cultures.

So, right now I’m thinking this is actually 2 fics: a prequel and a sequel. The prequel will be all about establishing Zuko going to Uni and creating the comic and some of its effects (it’s REALLY popular with kids!). The sequel is when the Gaang (Zuko coined the name) finds out about the comics and read them - and then Aang, who KNOWS who the Blue Spirit is, goes looking for the author to confront them. He suspects it’s Zuko, but he doesn’t actually BELIEVE that it’s really Zuko. After all, how could ZUKO get into Ba Sing Se and why would he write comics explaining how the Air Nomads believed in peace?

(For those that dislike shipping in atla, the sequel will have some Zuko/Aang, but probably T-rated teens dating. Not wholly sure yet, but I think the whole series will be T)

So far, I have a few random scenes written, so I’ll share some snippets here, but also, I HAVE to tell you about what steveelotaku came up with for the comic!!!

The Comics

So like I said, the premise of the comics is: the adventures the Gaang + the Blue Spirit get up to, while fighting off their standard array of villains. (Credit for these goes to steveelotaku, who is incredible and came up with GREAT villains!)

The Big Bad: Fire Lord Ozai

But, I hear you say, there’s no war in Ba Sing Se! So how-? Well, the answer is - Zuko REALLY wanted to draw his dad receiving a pie to the face (look, he’s upset about the whole traitor thing and he needs an outlet) from Aang, so he invented a silly Silver Age Comics campy reason for why the Fire Lord hates the Avatar: the Avatar blew storm clouds over his parade and RUINED his hair! (Ozai hates getting wet 😂)

Other Recurring Villains:

Sparkler, the Princess of Pyromania: Fire-themed villain with a mysterious connection to the Blue Spirit and a grudge against them

The Koan: Basically Buddhist Riddler. "What is the sound of one hand picking your pocket?"  "If a building blows up, and no one is around to see it, did I commit a crime?"

The Cabbage Merchant of Death: Literally just the cabbage merchant, but breeding his cabbages to attack humanity as vengeance for overturning his cart. (The Cabbage Merchant actually loves the comics and his portrayal. Someone recognized his plight! So he taped one of the panels to his cart.)

The Tapestry: Literally a guy dressed in a tapestry who makes horrible weaving jokes and uses sharp threads. "Knit one, purl-oin two gold bars!"

The Ember Island Jester: The only actor to be fired from the Ember Island Players, because his jokes were terrible. His crimes are all theater-themed and he wears a comedy mask. "Four nations, all alike in dignity, all ripe for the plundering!" "It's curtains for you, Blue Spirit! -drops a heavy curtain on him-"

The Nightingale: Basically the Penguin, but with an army of robot nightingales, like in the old Chinese fable about the Emperor who forgot how a nightingale had brought him joy when a mechanical one is given to him, only for it to save him later. Only this time, the Nightingale is some minor noble who got fired and now keeps pestering Ozai with his robot nightingales and Ozai has to call for the Blue Spirit, much to his frustration. "The Nightingale sings the song of your doom!" Aang: "How does that go?" "Uh...doom! DOOM DOOM DOOM! DOOM doom DOOOOOM!"

Okay, so those are our Villains. Now what about our heroes? Remember, the Gaang is being written by Zuko - who may do lots and lots of research and maybe has stalked them on occasion, but still doesn’t really KNOW them.

The Blue Spirit - Zuko goes in hard on the tropes, so the Blue Spirit is totally the broody badboy. He has a secret identity that no one knows. Also, he tells tea jokes and makes tea puns. Iroh is very proud.

Aang, The Avatar - Aang is the epitome of “peace, love, and happiness make the world go round” (real Aang finds this hilarious) but he’s also an incurable prankster

Toph, The Avatar’s Earthbending Teacher - Toph is the buffest, littlest character there is and it is unclear whether she beats villains with her bending or her fists or if the two are one and the same.

Katara, The Avatar’s Waterbending Teacher - Katara is the scariest motherfucker on the team and Zuko stands by that. She has some of the corny “hope” lines, complementing Aang, but mostly, it’s her determination that makes her scary. When she decides something, it happens. (Zuko might be projecting a bit, but he’s not wrong.)

Sokka, The Avatar’s Jester/Strategist - Sokka is the straight forward comic relief and is a walking joke, but he does tend to suggest the plans that work... they’re just very, very ridiculous, in line with Silver Age comics ridiculousness.

And some choice lines by steveelotaku:

"Holy cumulus, Blue Spirit! The Fire Nation's set fire to the tea tree grove!" "The fiends! It's not enough for them to boil it too long--now they're roasting it to ashes!" "Halt, Blue Spirit! Your pathetic crusade of justice stops here!" "It's that suspicious sous-chef of sabotage, Serial Griller! Fire Lord Ozai's right hand cook!" "That's right, Blue Blunder! And today's special is deep fried masked man with a side of Avatar fries!"

"Blue Spirit! Help!" "By the subtle tang of oolong tea! Avatar, you're turning into a were-bison!" Not a trick! Not an imaginary story! The Avatar's best friend might just be his doom! Can Aang and the Blue Spirit survive...THE NIGHT OF THE APPA-LLING WERE-BISON?!

AND NOW, THE SECRET ORIGIN OF THE BLUE SPIRIT: A nameless warrior stands on the battlefield in the pouring rain. Another village massacred, the survivors left for dead. He alone had dared to speak against this heinous crime, and for that he was cast out from the only family he had. Hiding within a teahouse, he took with him the one souvenir of that battle he dared to claim--the mask of the Blue Spirit, a warrior who had fought for justice against his cruel oppressors. Now, the warrior takes the mantle for himself--to find redemption, or die trying!

Snippets:

The Beginning

Zuko needed a hobby, was the thing. He was really, really busy in Ba Sing Se, between being a tea server and being the Blue Spirit. But there was a lot of idle time in both roles and Zuko just needed something to keep him occupied. It wasn’t supposed to turn into a big thing.

Only one day, Jin had caught him writing at the teashop and demanded to read it and… look. It was just a lark. It was just a funny little idea that he was toying with. It didn’t mean anything.

It was in the afternoon lull and Uncle was, fortunately, in the backroom, doing tea things. Meanwhile, Zuko’s only other customer was an old accountant who was always buried in their books and never registered anything going on around them. They liked Pao’s strongest tea.

This meant that there was no one else around to see the look on Jin’s face when she read through his scrawled handwriting – he was much better at writing with a calligraphy brush, but these days, charcoal was as good as it got – depicting a silly dialogue exchange between the Blue Spirt and the Avatar. It was just one of the questions he’d always wanted to ask the Avatar, one that wasn’t really important, but that had bothered him until he’d researched it anyway.

“Li,” she said slowly.

Zuko gulped. “Yeah?”

“This… this is good,” she said with a tone of wonder. “Seriously, I really like this!”

“You… do?” Zuko blinked, not sure what to do with that. “But it’s – it’s–”

“Funny? Enjoyable? Cute?”

“Dumb.”

“Bullshit,” Jin said bluntly. “You’re allowed to enjoy dumb things, Li. As long as it’s fun, what else matters?”

Zuko frowned. That was not a philosophy about life that he was familiar with.

“Do you think the Avatar really throws pies in people’s faces?” Jin asked with a laugh.

“Oh, that bit I can confirm,” Zuko flashed a brief grin. “I found a letter from the King of Omashu to the Southern Air Temple that very specifically said Aang and his friends had pie’d the King’s Guard.”

Jin blinked. “What do you mean, you found a letter?”

“Oh,” Zuko bit his lip, realizing he really shouldn’t have said that. “I, um. I… studied the Avatar. For a long time. And the Air Nomads and the Water Tribes, a little bit.”

“Really?” Jin looked excited, of all things. “That’s so cool! So you were a mini scholar before tragedy struck, huh? Are you gonna try to apply for Ba Sing Se University? You should!”

“I… what?”

“It’s not often someone from the Lower Ring gets accepted,” Jin said, “but it does happen! And I know you’d study really hard and there are scholarships and things to help pay for it. You should try!”

“I’ll… think about it?” Zuko said, taken entirely off guard.

“You should write more, too,” Jin encouraged. “Honestly, it’s a really fun scene. I kinda wanna draw it.”

Jin’s family ran what was probably one of the best places in town to get writing and illustration done on a budget. This meant that Jin spent a lot of time drawing what she called ‘very boring adverts’. He wouldn’t think his scene was that interesting either, but Jin’s face was genuine and she smiled at him.

“Really?” he couldn’t help but ask.

“Yeah, absolutely,” Jin grinned, “just the visual of the Fire Lord getting a pie in the face–” she broke down laughing.

Zuko flushed. It was possible he was a bit upset with his father for marking him as a traitor and sending his sister to bring him home in chains. And it wasn’t like a little pie had ever hurt anyone…

During Zuko’s Tour of Ba Sing Se University (from the POV of the admissions tour guide)

“As part of your curriculum. You don’t study other cultures, like the Water Tribes and the Air Nomads?”

There was a loud scoff from behind Min and she turned to see Professor Lang sneering down his nose at the kid. 

“Of course not,” he said. “What use is there in studying ancient civilizations?”

The kid looked confused for a brief moment… and then he got mad, and wow, he was actually kind of scary underneath that scruffy unkemptness. 

“The Water Tribes aren’t dead! And even if the Air Nomads are, there’s still reason to learn about them!”

“And what, pray tell, would that be?”

The kid had a pretty impressive snarl. “The Earth Kingdom has trade contracts relating to the Water Tribes, who are still alive. And there’s one living Air Nomad now, too!”

Min blinked. What did that mean?

“Pah,” Professor Lang spat. “The Avatar is not part of any culture.”

The what? 

“The Avatar isn’t told until they turn sixteen. Until that age, Avatar Aang was and still is an Air Nomad.”

What!?

“The… Avatar?” Min said vaguely. How had she not heard about this? “The Avatar is back? And they’re an Air Nomad!?”

The kid looked scared for a moment. Perhaps he could sense how closely they danced to the dangerous territory of current events. 

“Yeah,” he said slowly. “We, um. We heard before coming to Ba Sing Se that the Avatar is back. And – and he’s an Air Nomad. So there’s relevance in understanding the Air Nomad culture! Because, like…” he visibly flailed for an example that would be acceptable, “like family!” He held up his finger triumphantly. “Culture affects what words mean. In the Earth Kingdom, family is defined as your clan, tied to you through blood, marriage, or contract. In the Water Tribes, the whole tribe is family and everything is done in service to that family. But to the Air Nomads? They defined family as people chosen based on who you wanted in your life. They did not recognize blood ties.”

Min and Professor Lang both stared at the kid. 

“How – how do you know that?” Professor Lang asked eventually.

The kid froze. “I, um. I did a lot of research on – on the Avatar and, and their cultures. I’m not making it up! One of their core tenets was that the blood of the covenant was thicker than water of the womb, meaning those who share their vows are more kin than those who share their blood. They were more concerned with spirituality and behavior.” The kid sighed heavily. “I wish my old library hadn’t burned. I had some amazing finds.”

Min’s eyebrow arched. That almost made it sound like, despite the current state of things, this kid had some noble background. Well, well. That changed things.

She clapped her hands together. “This sounds like an excellent topic for a thesis, don’t you agree, Professor Lang?”

“A – what?”

“A thesis, of course. You have an argument to make – that ancient/declining cultures still have a role in our society. Through your course of study here at Ba Sing Se, you will learn how to draft an effective argument, backed by primary sources.”

“I had primary sources!” the kid said, sounding strangely offended.

“Of course,” Min allowed.

“You want this disrespectful brat to write a thesis on such an absurd topic!?” Professor Lang burst out.

“He argued his point well, did he not?” Min shrugged, smiling pleasantly. 

“I have another one,” the kid – Li, according to her file – said. “The Air Nomads were pacifists. They didn’t believe in consuming the flesh of any creature, because in their view, violence was abhorrent in any form. So think about it… the – the Avatar’s job is to bring peace and balance to the world, right?”

Min took a sharp breath. That was coming a little too close to–

“Well, Air Nomads were very devoted to peace. They have eighty-seven words for peace, all of which mean different things. Some of which, if applied to the nations by the Avatar, would face significant dissent. So in dealing with the Avatar, it’s important to know that you need to clarify the meaning of things being discussed.”

“And you expect to be ‘dealing with the Avatar’, do you?” Professor Lang sneered.

Li opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “Of course not,” he said, “but that’s precisely why the study of these cultures is so significant! Because if it’s not widespread knowledge, then we’re all at a disadvantage.”

Min clapped, “well said. What is knowledge but a tool for the betterment of ourselves?”

“...right,” Li nodded hesitantly.

(For those curious, Professor Lang knows about Aang because the Gaang and Joo Dee went by the university when they first came to Ba Sing Se - but the visit was kept moderately hush hush, because talking about the Avatar can mean talking about the war. This changes when the comic takes off.)

From the next scene

Jin was pacing in Pao’s Teashop as they all waited excitedly to hear the results of Li’s visit to the university. Mushi was channeling his anxiety into making lots of tea, so Jin was spending far more than she should on new pots, but at least sipping tea gave her something to do.

Finally, Li opened the door – and jerked back as everyone in the teashop – four of the afternoon regulars and Jin, plus one couple that had no idea what was going on – rounded on him.

“Well? How did it go?”

“Uh.” Li scratched his head. “I think I’m a student now?”

Jin blinked. “I thought you were just going to apply?”

“So did I,” Li shrugged. “And then I got into an argument with a professor during the tour–”

Everyone groaned collectively.

“Oh, Nephew,” Mushi sighed, coming out from behind the counter and ushering Li into the room.

“Of course you did,” Jin laughed.

“But it was fine,” Li huffed. “In fact, I think it actually helped me? I guess I’m writing a thesis on the Avatar and also why studying other cultures matters?”

“You’re… what?” Mushi said blankly.

Li shrugged helplessly. “It just kinda happened.”

Now we skip waaaaaaay ahead to the sequel, to when the Gaang (well, Aang specifically) finds out about The Adventures of the Blue Spirit and the Avatar

It started with an innocently overheard conversation at a bakery near their Upper Ring house while waiting for the new pies to cool.

“Did you read it?” one girl hissed to another. “Did you see!?”

“Yes!” the second girl sounded so excited that it was hard to control her volume. “I told you! It’s real! Spiritar is canon!”

“I just can’t believe it,” the only boy amongst the group murmured. “I didn’t see it coming at all.”

“That’s because you never listen to us,” the first girl sniffed. “I called the Blue Spirit x Avatar Aang coming from miles away.”

The… what?

Aang blinked, turning to stare at them. “I’m sorry, did you say Avatar?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, who’s asking – oh sweet spirits, it’s the Avatar!” the boy looked like he was about to hyperventilate.

“Um. Hi,” Aang waved awkwardly.

The two girls squeaked and flushed red. “Hi,” they managed, one more easily than the other.

“Did you say something about – about the Blue Spirit and the Avatar?”

“Oh spirits,” the second girl whispered under her breath. “Oma and Shu, why would you do this to us?”

“Um?”

“Okay, so,” the first girl cleared her throat. “Um, let’s start at the beginning. Are you familiar with The Adventures of the Blue Spirit and the Avatar?”

“The… huh?” Aang’s mouth twisted in confusion. Who was the Blue Spirit and what did they have to do with him?

There was a cleared throat from next to them and another woman in the bakery stood behind them. “Hi, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear and – I have a binder just for this purpose.” She pulled out a thick binder full of papers and thudded it down on the table. Then she opened it to a page that had two figures cut out from an inked illustration. One was obviously Aang, though his arrows weren’t quite that big – but the other… the other was–

“The Blue Spirit, you called them?” Aang asked, staring at the mask that he remembered with stark distinction. If the stranger in the mask hadn’t saved him…

But then, of course, the stranger turned out to not be so strange after all. Aang could still feel the rough bark under his fingers as he played with it, waiting for Zuko to wake up.

If we knew each other then, do you think we could’ve been friends? he’d asked, and Zuko hadn’t actually answered, but the blast of fire spoke many words.

“You don’t know them?” the girls all looked up at him with a broken sort of hope.

“I – I do,” Aang answered hesitantly. “But I never got their name.”

“Yes!” two of them high fived and Aang just stared at them. “Uh, sorry.”

“Anyway,” the girl with the binder said, “The Adventures of the Blue Spirit and the Avatar, originally simply titled the Blue Spirit, is a serial comic created by Li and Jin. They’re two artists in the Lower Ring, if you can believe that. But Li attends Ba Sing Se University!”

“Uh. Okay?”

She cleared her throat, flushing. “Um, at any rate, the comics are aimed at children and Li has been recorded as saying that he wanted to explain cultural differences through a fun story. And they deliver! The characters are great, the dialogue is snappy, the illustration is beautiful, and the plots are silly but fun.”

“Nothing will ever top the Fire Lord getting pie’d in the face, though,” the first girl said nostalgically.

“What?” Aang asked.

“Oh, I have that in my binder!” The girl flipped through several pages and landed on a comic panel pasted onto the paper. It depicted – exactly what they said. Fire Lord Ozai – who Aang had never actually seen in person, but he had seen a few paintings and it looked pretty accurate – receiving a cream pie to the face. Actually, the pie was drawn pretty well, too – it even had the lemon curd filling that Aang and Master Gyatso used to add for extra gooeyness.

That was surely just a coincidence, though. Right? It wasn’t like the Blue Spirit could really be–

“It’s a really famous picture now,” the girl with the binder whispered to Aang. “It’s the only thing like it that hasn’t been censored by the Dai Li. See, in The Adventures of the Blue Spirit and the Avatar, the Fire Lord has a legitimate reason to hate the Avatar.”

…was stopping him from destroying the world not legitimate?

“Oh?”

“Oh, I love this one. Show him the comic strip!”

“Here it is!”

Aang looked down to see a single panel of Fire Lord Ozai, this time wailing, “my hair!”

“Uh…”

“The Avatar was flying a kite,” one girl explained, “and he was messing with the wind currents – but it made storm clouds fall on the Fire Lord’s parade and ruined his hair!” They all chortled. “Literally you rained on his parade!”

Aang… did not know how to react to that.

“So anyway, the Avatar and his friends join the Blue Spirit and fight crime and evildoers!”

“Yeah, the Blue Spirit is a vigilante, you know that, of course,” one girl said and actually, Aang had not known that. “So they team up with the Avatar and with the whole Gaang–”

“Pardon?”

“Oh yeah, isn’t it great? It’s ‘gang’ but with 2 ‘a’s, like your name! To encompass all of you together!”

Aang hummed. He did like it, actually. Sokka would be upset that he hadn’t come up with it.

Especially if the person who did come up with it was really–

But surely it couldn’t be. How would Zuko have even gotten into Ba Sing Se?

From the confrontation between Aang and Zuko after Aang tracks down the creators of the comics (with some shippiness)

“Soooo,” Jin drawled, sprawling in a booth in the otherwise empty teashop, “guess what happened today?”

Zuko, busy wiping down a table, didn’t answer.

“C’mon, guess! It’ll interest you, I promise.”

“I dunno. You… had an idea for a comic?”

“That happens every day, Li,” she said flatly.

Zuko sighed. “Just tell me.”

“Fine, fine,” Jin paused, making him wait, and then she burst out, “the Avatar came by the shop!”

Zuko froze, blood draining from his face. The Avatar. The Avatar was here. The Avatar was here and knew about the comics, elsewise why would he have gone to Jin’s family’s shop?

Oh, this couldn’t be good.

“Li? You okay?”

Before Zuko could answer – negatively – the door to the teashop opened and the Avatar walked inside.

Zuko wanted to die. This was it. This was the end of him. This was when his cover would get blown and everyone would know and hate him and–

“Hi,” Aang greeted them pleasantly. “I’m looking for Li.”

Zuko just about swallowed his tongue. There was no way that Aang had failed to recognize him. The change in hairstyle did not make up for the huge disfiguring scar.

Raising a shaking hand, Zuko managed a strangled, “I’m Li.”

The Avatar smiled. What even–?

“I thought it might be you,” Aang said. “But I also kind of thought I was probably wrong.”

Not having any idea what to say, all Zuko could do was swallow drily.

“Huh,” Jin said, “you really have met the Avatar.”

Zuko flushed. “I told you!”

“You say lots of things, though,” Jin contested. Usually, Zuko was grateful that she let his slip ups go so easily, but right now, he was just annoyed.

“I don’t lie,” he frowned. That was a rule for him. His whole identity may be a lie, but at least he would do his best to live honorably.

Aang coughed and Zuko flushed brighter, jerking his attention back to the man who, technically, was still his enemy.

“Sorry,” Jin laughed, holding out her hand, “hi, I’m Jin. I hear you went by my family’s shop earlier looking for us?”

“You’re the illustrator?” Aang asked.

“Yep, that’s me!” Jin beamed, showing off her chipped teeth.

“Wow. You do a really good job of showing different places,” Aang complimented and Zuko stared. What was even happening?

“Oh, that’s all thanks to Li,” Jin demurred. “Sometimes I dunno whether his descriptions are accurate or not, but he believes in them so much that it just seems right to go with it.”

Zuko groaned, slapping a hand to his face. “Jin…”

Aang smiled wider and it made Zuko’s heart pound, cheeks turning pinker. “Well, you both create very good comics,” Aang said casually, as though Zuko wasn’t close to expiring on the spot.

“You – you read them?” Zuko croaked.

“Of course,” Aang said. “We had to see what was being written about us!”

Oh. Great. So all of Aang’s friends had read them. Fuck.

Oh Agni, did that include the most recent issue? Maybe he was lucky for once in his life and it didn’t–

Aang pulled out a comic and the cover was quite familiar. Jin had drawn the Blue Spirit in the middle in a ridiculous pose that really emphasized his butt – even moreso than the original draft, because Jin was an asshole and made the change after he complained. Behind the Blue Spirit were various headshots of the Gaang – Zuko came up with the name and he was rather proud of it – with little hearts all around them.

The cover proclaimed, ONE OF THESE PEOPLE IS THE BLUE SPIRIT'S SOULMATE – BUT WHO!? and the story was all about one of the regular villains, Sparkler – who totally wasn’t Azula – trying to find the Blue Spirit’s lover to blackmail him. After she was defeated, the true lover was revealed… with a kiss, because of course it was.

Zuko felt like he might cry at the absurdity of this being how his life falls apart (again).

“Sooooo, um…” Aang started and Zuko could not look at him.

“In my defense,” Zuko started, his mouth absolutely disconnecting from his brain, “it was a reader request.”

Aang tilted his head. “What does that mean?”

“Oh, you don’t read the letters at the end of the issue?” Jin asked, “you really should, they’re quite fun. We answer questions and requests from readers – mostly kids, but sometimes their parents, too.”

“And a kid… asked about–?”

Zuko just nodded mutely, but Jin – the traitor! – explained, “they asked about who the Blue Spirit’s soulmate would be. And obviously – ow!” Zuko elbowed her hard in the side, but it was too late. Aang’s eyebrows were high.

“‘Obviously’?”

“I mean, have you read the flirting?” Jin asked. “Li writes fantastic banter, doesn’t he?”

“Fucking hell, Jin, shut up!” Zuko hissed, and he was sure that his face was hot enough to be steaming. Hopefully Jin wouldn’t question it.

“Oh, all right, all right, I’ll let you two talk alone. But don’t forget the afternoon rush will be soon!”

So saying, Jin sidled out the door, headed back to work. The Avatar opened his mouth as soon as she was gone and Zuko quite abruptly wanted her back. He scrambled around for a change of topic and grasped the teapot next to him.

“Tea! Would – would you like some tea? We have–”

“I liked the tea jokes in the comics,” Aang said calmly. How was he calm when Zuko was about to shake out of his skin?

The pottery clattered slightly from his trembling hands, but he served Aang a cup of jasmine tea. “Those mostly came from Uncle,” he murmured.

“Well, they were fun,” Aang said, taking the cup and immediately sipping it as though it hadn’t been poured by his enemy. Then he smiled. “Jasmine. I like jasmine. It was my mentor’s favorite.”

“I know,” Zuko said without thinking.

“You… know?” Aang blinked. “How?”

“Uh.” Oh Agni, how was he supposed to explain this. “One of the Elders at your temple kept a journal. It survived.”

Aang stared. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Zuko nodded. “Monk Tashi. He complained about how often you got into trouble and how Monk Gyatso only encouraged it.”

Aang inhaled sharply, breath hitching at Gyatso’s name. Zuko could only imagine how much the loss hurt him. If Zuko ever lost Uncle…

Okay, that’s all I got, but I’m very excited for this series, so I hope you enjoy!

[wisteria-lodge]

burnt lion primary (modeling bird with badger system) + lion secondary (heavy badger model) (fun bird model)

Attempting to write this on my phone as my laptop charger is broken and the replacement doesn’t arrive until tomorrow. I could just wait but I’m impatient and ADHD and I want to do this now. Anyways, I’ve been thinking of myself as a bird primary / snake model for a bit, but today I realized I might be badger, with a wide definition of “group,” and possibly a bird model? I’m sort of lost on secondary, though.

With this opening, I’m kind of thinking an In-the-Moment secondary rather than a Prep-work secondary.

Today I bought a homeless woman some food and sat down with her and gave her my number when she asked. My partner pointed out to me that this was incredibly unsafe. I blocked her but I feel so horribly guilty about it as I told her I’d go see her again in 2 days. Everyone is telling me that I need to prioritize my own safety, and I suppose logically I know that, but it doesn’t stop me from crying. I think I might live with this guilt for the rest of my life- and when I had that thought, it hit me that I could be a badger.

Hmm. There’s a lot to unpack here. I mean breaking a promise just feels shitty on a human level, and my instinct tells me there’s probably some third option - take someone with you when you go maybe. But it’s also totally possible there’s not. That’s not what I’m speculating on here.

In terms of this system, you helped someone out in what sounds like a totally unplanned, spur-of-the-moment kind of thing (which makes me think lion or snake, and I’m leaning lion because the honest directness of handing out your phone number.)

Then, your partner and “everyone” tells you that you went too far, and you go along with them, but feel really REALLY guilty. This tells me that either a) you’re not a Badger primary, and are in all likelihood probably a Lion, or b) you are a (universal) Badger primary in a community that defines “person” more narrowly than you do.

I thought I was able to adapt to new morals based on logic and incorporate them into my system, but it’s always based on what is just and fair for the group- other people.

Could still be Badger, or a Badger-flavored Paragon Lion.

I have a very hard time being able to do things for myself, even basic hygiene, which I know is just a mental illness thing and not necessarily a placement. But the relevant bit here is that it becomes ridiculously easy in comparison when I’m doing it for other people

You’re starting to sound like an Exploded Badger primary, who exists to help the group, and has a very hard time seeing themselves as valuable and worthwhile outside of the context of the group.

including (and tbh mostly) animals, who are ABSOLUTELY people. And I realized that it’s similar to how I feel towards the disenfranchised. Even that feels icky to say, I feel like I’m equating the homeless to animals??

It’s fine to say that animals and disenfranchised people are both groups that you feel strongly about. You keep coming back to doubting your instincts in an anxious way that makes me think semi-Burned Lion, rather than Bird. And even the slightly disconnected causes are pointing me in a Lion direction.

And that goes against my morals, the underprivileged are humans who deserve to be treated as such and often aren’t because rich people are fucking assholes. I feel very, very strongly about helping those in need

Yeah, I can really, really see that. In a way that truly makes me wonder why Lion was the one primary you didn’t consider for yourself.

and those who depend on me.

It’s possibly you might have some loyalist primary model going on. But I don’t think you’re a loyalist.

I am too naive and trusting when it comes to this particular subject, and cynical in almost everything else. This is also why I am strongly against the idea of personally having children. I do not trust myself to do it correctly.

“I do not trust myself” “I am too naive” “I am too cynical” “that feels icky” “I’ve been told logically that I’m wrong but I’m still crying.”

I don’t know what to tell you. You have strong feelings, a lot of them, but do not trust them (are told you can’t tust them.) You’re a Burnt Lion. You’ve probably latched to someone (probably your group or specifically your partner) as an external morality, which is a total Burnt Lion thing. This - ow, it hurts to read. These things you think about yourself, I see no evidence at all that they’re true.

If i am a badger primary, the 1% do not fit into my definition of “people,” though I know logically they are.

Again “logically” makes an appearance. “Logically I should feel this… but I don’t.”

I do not wish violence against anyone as I feel it is morally wrong, but I also wouldn’t be upset of any of them croaked.

This is much more a lion’s “I don’ t feel anything about them” and less a Badger’s “they’re monsters.” The word you used was “assholes” and that’s honestly very humanizing.

I feel like my sense of logic and emotion are at odds sometimes. I often think that things I feel are “wrong” or “unfair” or “unjustified”

burnt, burnt, burnt, burnt

even though years of therapy have told me that’s not true.

Oh good. I’m glad you’ve got somebody to talk to. Good for you.

I feel like my bird and badger tendencies are so wrapped up in each other it gets hard to differentiate.

You’re a Burnt Lion (who often look like stressed out Birds) in a very Badger (probably Exploded Badger) community.

But, more relevant, I often feel like my negative emotions towards other people are unfair and horrible and wrong.

You’re allowed to have negative emotions! They keep you safe! This is true for everyone, but especially true for a Lion primary.

At my core I value others more than myself. It has been a challenge to work through this, and the only motivation I have is that other people get upset when I constantly talk about how guilty I feel for having emotions.

Somebody did a number on you. At this point you couldn’t be more textbook Burnt Lion if you *tried.*

This leads me into possibly a bit of snakiness?

I have no idea where you’re getting Snake. I mean, Snake would be good for you. A Snake model would help you immensely.

“Exploded snake” greatly resonates with me, but this is due to my trauma and BPD. I often have A Person that all of this “I cannot do things for myself but I will do everything for other people” is very concentrated towards. But again this is a mental illness thing so I see it as more of an unhealthy unintended model, not sure though.

My friend, what you have is a coping mechanism. You pour yourself into someone else so you’re not able to worry about yourself, and you have control over (and feel good about) this aspect of your life, at least.

It’s not Exploded Snake. Exploded Snakes, even at their most extreme, might become co-dependent, but they don’t lose themselves in people like this.

I also really resonate with bird in the way that I really value knowledge. The only real positive thing I can consistently muster up to say about myself is that I’m intelligent. I struggled a lot in school due to trauma and untreated ADHD and the works, but I’m aware that I am smart. It still feels sort of wrong to say that, like I’m being too conceited, but I’ve worked on accepting it as fact. I’m a nerd with a large vocabulary, lots of trivia, and some special interests I hoard information on like a bird. (Mainly cats and bugs. If you werr curious. You probably weren’t.

Look. I do these because I like people. I’m interested in people. I like seeing how different they are from each other, and I like seeing how they’re the same, and I like seeing how they tick. You don’t have to apologize, and you don’t have to be so very self-deprecating.

I appreciate the honestly though, and I appreciate that you are actively taking steps, and doing everything you need to do to get going. If I were to take a guess, it would be that at one point your secondary was a whole lot more burnt than it is now. It’s doing pretty good now. But there’s still some gunk and muscle memory left over from before. That’s how it’s reading to me anyway.

As for the system, definitely at least a fun bird model. That’s the neurodivergent classic.

If I’m wrong about something, it can be embarrassing but I feel I can recover and incorporate it into my system.

That’s honestly human stuff. (But you’re using Bird language to say it. I don’t think you’re a Bird though. I think you *like* birds.)

However this is only the case if it benefits other people / adds to my understanding in a way that makes me a better person towards others. This is why it can be so hard for me to accept that I am wrong about myself on certain things.

You’re perfectly confident in your ability to reason. It just… doesn’t totally make a difference when it really comes down to it, does it? Because what I’m reading about is a system not changing.

I feel that not punishing myself is a disservice to others.

That’s Dobby the House-Elf logic. I know I’m being harsh, but I’ve got pages and pages of old diary entries romanticizing guilt, calling it noble, calling it protective, glorifying making yourself the suffering central sacrifice. And I had to be banged over the head over and over and OVER again, before I realized that… I wasn’t that special. Which was an epiphany of terror, and relief.

I have been told over and over this is not healthy but I really cannot help it. I think I’ve made progress? But only because my partner broke up with me because of it and told me I had to get my shit in order before we got back together. So that core is still there, it’s still entirely externally motivated.

Look, external motivation is still motivation. I’ll take it.

The reason I thought I modeled snake was because I mask my autism and everything else very heavily, and attempt to assimilate very heavily.

Despite the (unfortunately) identical terminology, snake masking and autism masking are completely different things.

I don’t feel like it’s a bird secondary acting, as it feels so natural to me at this point. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation I’ll realize I’m completely mirroring the other participants, saying things I don’t actually believe, etcetera. It is really so natural, it happens almost every conversation.

Snakes do that sort of thing consciously. This sounds like Courtier Badger mirroring (and you do use the word mirroring, so I figure you’ve probably worked that out.)

At the same time though, I do not know what substance there is to mask- it feels empty, like I’m constantly searching for the bottom of an endless ocean. I know that is incredibly cheesy and, God Forbid, bateman-esque. I can assure you I do not kill people. 😋

I think you identify with Patrick Bateman because he is a person that is an externally defined surface. He doesn’t know what business card design he actually likes, it probably never even occurs to him that he should buy something because he likes it. He does things because they’re correct (even if he doesn’t know why they’re correct.) But clearly he does have all this feeling that has been sublimated beneath the surface, and because he’s in a movie it comes out in his murder-sprees.

If I were to sort Patrick Bateman, I would say that he’s an extremely Burnt Lion who is deep inside a very toxic Badger community. And a Lion secondary, with that ax and chainsaw and everything. OBVIOUSLY American Psycho is a hyper-exaggerated, stylized film… but no, I’m not surprised that you see a blown-up version of yourself in him.

I feel it is something I learned as a coping mechanism. But maybe it’s inherent to who I am now and I’m actually a snake secondary? No idea.

I actually don’t think your secondary is burnt. I think is more… drifting, because your primary isn’t pointing it at anything. And just the fact that you are drifting is making me say Lion secondary over Badger secondary (which is the other possibility. But you seem kind of uncomfortable using your Badger, even though it is effective.)

Just work on liking things. That’s your homework. Just little things. Low stakes things. Pick a new phone background. Smell some candles and pick the one you like best. Go to the movie theater alone, and get a ticket to the movie you want to see most.

Small self trivia that may be relevant? I love solving mysteries and puzzles and I avoid media spoilers like the plague. This is because if I have a tiny bit of information I will often overthink it so badly that I end up interpreting the whole damn plot and then the movie isn’t even enjoyable. Especially when people offhandedly mention something I’m not supposed to guess is important, but of course it’s important if they’re telling me about it ?!?! So I can extrapolate from there and ruin the whole thing for myself. I wish to god I could turn this off but I can’t. It’s not something I model, it’s something inherent to how my brain works and it’s ANNOYING.

I’m not allowed to watch Twilight Zone episodes with my family anymore, and they still haven’t forgiven me for guessing the ending of Planet of the Apes ten minutes in. I think this kind of stuff just comes with having a foundation in media analysis and a puzzle-brain.

But at least I have fun when I’m not totally spoiled. Related: if I had to pick any superpower at all, it would be omniscience. I want to understand every universal truth there is. I want to know everything.

Oh come on, you can’t pick “I want to be god,” as your answer to the super power game. At least say that you want to achieve enlightenment or something.

But astrophysics and all that jazz is way too hard.

I have zero doubt that if you were interested in astrophysics, you could get a pretty damn good working knowledge of astrophysics.

On a smaller scale sometimes I fantasize about doing the long con on the US government and becoming a dutiful public worker just to get into the inner circles and get access to all the secrets`. 😂 But morally speaking I could NEVER do what needs to be done to get you there.

I’m going to say that this is a very Lion Badger fantasy in the specifics. Slide under the radar for years and years, get people to trust you… and then when you have the dirt on everyone, BOOM - Lion primary activates. But *overall* - it’s a revolutionary fantasy, and that’s Double Lion.

I’m trying to come up with more information for a possible secondary but I really am coming up blank. I hope there’s some key information up there that’s a secondary placement hiding in wait. Sorry for the long post. I hope you at least have fun with it! I love snappy personality systems like this, it was at least fun to write.

PS - After reading some more I am thinking snake might be less of a model and more of a secondary I simply took some time to grow into and use effectively. I have always struggled with feeling like a bad person for sometimes prioritizing groups over others- I got myself into a lot of middle school drama for trying to climb the social ladder and ditching some good friends in the process. Which, you know, hilarious in retrospect because it was middleschool, not corporate.

Awww. Baby glory hound lion.

I was a compulsive liar when I was younger, trying to get people to like me and to be a part of the group. I used to be convinced I was a master manipulator when I was really just an autistic kid trying to survive and not be othered (which was worse than death at the time.) I still struggle with this, seeing people as social ladder points.

Hmm. You know, this definitely DOES sound like a Badger secondary model.

I don’t know if my mask ever comes off around other people, but after moving out from my (mildly emotionally abusive) parents and living with my aunt I can see myself becoming more blunt and less pandering.

GOOD. That seems like it was 100% the right move for you. And part of that bluntness is you getting to be more comfortable not masking… but you know. I haven’t seen you use it really, but I do suspect you may have some Lion secondary under there.

[mental-health-advice]

My friends leave me out of things, a lot. They only text me if they need notes or something. Pretty sure they won't even remember my birthday right now. It wasn't like this before. When we started college, we were this huge group and we had fun, loads of fun. I think it's my fault too for going home so often, since it was just 2 hours away. I stopped now and I even tried to include myself but it didn't work. I even tried telling them about my feelings, but they brushed it off. One of them did show some concern, they thought *I* was the one staying out. but I just told them it was fine and I tried going out with them again, only to be felt left out again since all they talk about is *their* inside jokes and *their* groupchats. I told myself, "why bother" and now I'm actually isolating myself. I want to hide this from my family because they're very likely gonna blame it on me for not knowing who my real friends are. I don't think I can make new friends right now. I just need help on how to make my time alone worthwhile without just laying in bed and crying.

(sorry this was a long ask, I just needed to let it out and hopefully receive some advice)

Hey there,

It sounds like your friends at the moment are kind of just using me as you mentioned they just contact you when they are needing something. This does not fair like a fair friendship at all and especially as they seem to be leaving you out now as well. I want you to know though that none of this is your fault, sometimes friends just go their separate ways and I know that you feel as though your family will view this as being your fault but it’s not. I also know that even though it’s important to have a friend or two in life and not isolate, I feel as though you will find a good friend for yourself if you keep trying to put yourself out there when and if you want to!

In terms of how you can make your time more worthwhile though when you are alone, I am wondering if you could take up some new interests/ hobbies to take up some of your time. This could be helpful because it means you will be doing something that you enjoy whilst also learning more about yourself in regards to your likes and dislikes in life.

Another idea, may be to work on something productive that will help to keep you busy and distracted that you can look back upon and be proud of yourself with. So for example these things could be doing something creative like drawing or doing some colouring in, or writing short stories or poems if that is more your thing. I myself do both depending on where I’m at mentally in my head and what I feel up to doing and so lately that has been colouring which can really take you out of your head and especially if you’re colouring in something that you have to think about colour wise!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[megamanrecut]

Become the Night part 5: Trouble at Fulmen Financial

Elec Man was at the front desk of Fulmen Financial. It had been a slow, uneventful day with overcast skies. He had avoided Proto again that morning and was busy pouring over data on his computer, when to his right he heard the elevator doors slide open.

"What is it?" he said without looking up.

"Just stopping by—I am allowed out of my room to visit my boss, aren't I?" Proto responded airily, striding over to lean against his desk with his back to Elec Man.

Though Proto acted cool and confident, Elec Man could tell Proto felt very self-conscious without his aviators. He rarely made direct eye contact, his gaze shifting restlessly about, their expression flat and jaded as though nothing truly mattered.

Elec Man glanced around. The lobby was empty, of course; the human Syndicate members had already gone up to their offices promptly before eight, and no Syndicate contacts were scheduled for the afternoon.

With a sigh, Elec Man leaned back in his chair to regard Proto. "I know why you're here. So you've figured everything out. Good for you—but there is no reason for you to 'help'…I have everything covered. Besides…you're not Syndicate."

"That's fine, I don't care," Proto replied with a soft snicker, briefly glancing back at Elec Man from the corner of his eye.

Once again, Elec Man scanned the deserted lobby, then added, "The things you overheard—my real name, my mission orders—not everyone knows about that, not even within the Syndicate."

"Oh, okay, cool. I'll keep it between us, boss," Proto assured him."…I'm not really a people person anyway…kinda like to keep to myself." He flashed Elec Man a grin. "Since you said 'no' to me shadowing you at night, thought I could work with you during day. Be a security guard, doorman, elevator operator, whatever—I don't want to be a paper boy."

"Not my concern."

"You're just making up busy work—Wouldn't it be better if I worked off my debt with something worthwhile?"

"Know this—if I order you to stay in your room, it's for a good reason. Besides, keeps you from being a nuisance to me."

"Hey, that's not fair. I can't so much as breathe the wrong way without your permission," Proto retorted, dropping the charm and letting his true internal frustration out as he turned to glare at Elec Man, one of his hands clenching into a fist.

Elec Man looked back at Proto from over his glasses, unmoved. He dropped his voice to a low, icy whisper. "Before you were reprogrammed, my creator gave you an option to go home—your real home—and be out of this…why didn't you take it?"

Proto swallowed. He glanced away again, squaring his shoulders, and said in a small, reluctant voice, "I…I didn't think your creator could actually reprogram me."

"So your freedom was the price of your ego. Lesson learned…though maybe your option to 'go home' remains if you were to ask."

Elec Man waited, but Proto said nothing, still stubbornly looking away while giving a disdainful sniff.

Elec Man gave a small, helpless shrug. "…Very well." He pressed a call button on his desk to open the elevator door, then grabbed a thick stack of papers and tapped them smartly against his desk.

Proto gave a small jerk at the noise, his eyes flickering from the elevator, to the stack of papers, then back up at Elec Man.

"C'mon, boss, what are you so worried about? Since I have to obey you, it's not like I can get into any serious trouble," he said hastily, quickly hiding his resentment and resuming his charm again (really, a professional act—but in vain, for Elec Man knew better). "—And if something happens to me, one less annoyance for you. You win in every case," he added brightly. "Just let me work down here. I'll wear the suit and act the mobster part so you don't blow a circuit—even though the tie makes me feel like a dweeb. But I get why you like this style, you look like a million bucks. Me? I look like a chump, right? Be honest."

Elec Man began kneading his forehead. "Please stop talking."

A soft metallic whine sounded from outside. Both Proto and Elec Man's heads snapped toward the sliding glass doors. A windowless black van had pulled up to the curb of Fulmen Financial. Its back door opened, and a second later a scrapper leaped out, its armor a rusting collage of mismatched parts, its optics glowing red lights, each arm a whirling stack of circular saws.

Proto raised an eyebrow as the van took off with a screech of tires. "…What the hell is that?"

"Keep quiet and hide," Elec Man ordered, standing up and  pointing to his desk.

The scrapper burst through the front door, showering the white-tiled lobby in a shower of broken glass. With a metallic roar like a broken synthesizer, it lunged at Elec Man, its whirring arms poised to strike, but Elec Man dodged swiftly, the scrapper sawing into his super-steel desk instead. Wrinkling his nose, Elec Man allowed the scrapper to make three more passes at him, leading it away from his desk and toward the smashed lobby doors, before using Thunder Beam to end it.

The scrapper fell with a heavy thud, smoke curling out from under its armor, the light from its optics shutting off, its blade arms whirring down to a stop.

Proto emerged from behind the desk. "Hey, not bad, not bad, slick," he murmured praisingly. "How often is Fulmen Financial getting attacked like this?"

"Not your concern," Elec Man said shortly, brushing broken glass from the shoulder of his suit.

Proto stared raptly at Elec Man. A sort of fire had ignited in his flat eyes, giving him an intriguing air of danger. "You know…if you let me work down here, I could take care of these nuisances for you, then you could work without interruptions."

"Tempting as it is to watch you get trashed, it would be absurd to pit a lab bot against a scrapper."

Proto stiffened. "Stop calling me a lab bot. I'm not."

"There's nothing wrong with being a lab bot."

"Yeah, well, my most recent job experience is more relevant."

"Not to me."

"I'm a good fighter," Proto persisted, taking another step closer. "Surely you must have thought so too or wouldn't have snuck up and shocked me back at the warehouse. We outta spar sometime, no weapons. I could teach you some pointers."

Elec Man shot Proto a cutting look.

Unperturbed, Proto looked back down at the scrapper's lifeless body. He shook his head. "That thing thought you were human, and was going to mow you down like a meat grinder."

"I know."

"Where are these bastards coming from? We should go to them show them who's boss."

"It's not necessary. I have the whole building protected. I don't need help, no one can beat me, I have Thunder Beam." Elec Man held up a hand, electricity crackling between his fingers.

He was pleased to see Proto wince, a hand flying halfway toward the nape of his neck before he quickly checked himself. At least something had left an impression.

But then Proto's face dropped, the fire dying from his eyes as they flickered away from Elec Man to gaze into the distance. "I used to think stuff like that. Look at me now, Dressed like a tool."

Then, with his head bowed, Proto grabbed the stack of paperwork from Elec Man's desk and shuffled toward the elevator.

Elec Man watched him go, hesitated, then called after him. "Proto. You don't have to wear the tie anymore. I don't care."

Proto paused, then gave Elec Man a small, dimpled smile. "Really? Thanks boss." Without delay, Proto quickly unknotted the tie and flung it over his shoulder. Then he promptly unbuttoned his suit coat, ruffled his hair, and entered the elevator with his hands in his pockets while whistling pleasantly.

"Wait, I didn't say you could—" Elec Man protested, but the elevator doors had already closed. "Whatever," he muttered to himself, rolling his eyes. Proto's new look was informal, would clash completely with Fulmen Finacial's dress code—yet in Proto's case, also a vast improvement to his appearance.

Elec Man rubbed his temples again, feeling confused, conflicted, and a little duped, then, deciding he was too important to deal with this nonsense, ordered maintenance drones to clean up the mess in the lobby as he quickly buried himself back in his computer work.

To be continued…

A/N go-west-young-meowth’s ‘paperboy’ comment on this killed me and inspired me to use it here XD sorry proto

[anthonybialy]

New York Knicks Are in Nice Shape, and I Feel Strange

I’m used to things not going well: I’m a Knicks fan.  Following sports creates preparation for woe.  Life lessons justify how much of my precious limited hours I squander watching men chase a ball.

It’s much more fun coping with fear of success.  This summer has created an eerie feeling that the franchise is in good shape.  Thanking James Dolan for not involving himself is the most praise I’m willing to offer.

There’s money left over for a statue.  Jalen Brunson is so good that he wins NBA games in July.  My personal all-star handled the pen to sign his team-friendly deal as adeptly as he does a basketball.  Relentlessness happens over time as well as in individual game.  Foes hoping for a break can’t schedule current or future ones.

Brunson is underpaid.  The fact he can afford tots at Melt Shop is irrelevant.  It’s not a matter of signing a nine-figure contract but how much more he could’ve gotten.  Like how scoring at will means nothing unless it helps a team win, value compared to actual payment is the only relevant aspect.

Inking a deal for 156.5 million means wondering how to get to 157 million.  Jalen Dunkin’ Brunson will seek his pocket money from acting in donut commercials instead of from the artificially-limited salary pool that can now be used to pay awesome teammates.  Based on his economic impact for the previously oft-driverless Knicks bus, Brunson could be a billionaire and still not be getting paid what he’s worth.

I am willing to be a pro athlete.  Desire is all it takes, right?  Those who are a little more coordinated always say they want to win, and Maury would find they’re telling the truth.  The difference is New York’s point guard shows it.  An unfathomably large contract that could have been even more massive shows his interest takes the form of winning, not being able to afford both Netflix and Hulu.

I don’t miss draft picks.  Trading for Mikal Bridges is the sort of bold move made by a club serious about pushing their way to the conference’s top.  Worthwhile purchases necessarily come at high expense.  The only thing more costly is not spending to acquire proven talent.  Cheap owners focus on the price instead of making crucial investments.

Re-signing players while trading for welcome additions spurs the uneasy feeling of ease.  Are things really working out?  I’m trying to relax despite usually thinking pleasantness means doom approaches.

The right employees change cultures.  Executive magician Leon Rose is making New York like it’s supposed to be.  I’ve always heard how their hometown is the Knicks’ biggest advantage.  Now, it’s finally happening.

Volunteering offers a unique perspective.  I made the choice to follow the Knicks, which has often showed the downside of free will.  I just didn’t endure enough woe from what fate assigned.  Looking what teams you back and how each came into your life is a way to take inventory of what’s chosen versus imposed.

I was born into Buffalo fandom as the universe made sure to know it had a sense of humor based in cruelty.  I didn’t pick a college based on sports, sort of.  Syracuse football can stop reminding me any time.  After moving to New York City without an affiliation to an NBA team, I finally got to choose my side, and I went with… the Knicks?!  Maybe destiny is better.  But the consequences of deciding for myself may finally feature an upside.

The Knickerbockers are so presently promising that fans don’t have to rely on factors other than results to feel entertained.  Telling myself it’s fun just to attend has followed the end of nearly every Sabres game I’ve attended for the past decade and a half.

The Knicks have stability in the best sense.  The word can be mistakenly presumed to always represent positivity.  The Sabres are also stable, and none of their fans appreciate knowing how the season will end.

Appreciating basketball at the game’s most iconic venue in what could intermittently be described as Earth’s greatest city is no longer the greatest appeal.  Now, Knicks fans can enjoy games narrated by dual legends Mike Breen and Clyde Frazier without needing them to serve as a distraction.

Tracking Clyde’s poetry should be a fun accompaniment, not a way to avoid focusing on a brutal result.  A flagship franchise at one time had the NBA’s worst record in this century.  There were times in 2018 when it felt like the Knicks were a mob front that was going to get perpetrators indicted.  But they’re at last a legitimate business.

Indulging in nostalgia happens naturally when the present is unfulfilling.  A founding league franchise has two titles, which the optimist uses as a reminder of how challenging it is to prevail.  Add six finals losses for an overview of just how elusive triumph has been.  Relevance outside of location is a welcome relief from merely hoping the inertia of playing in Manhattan will create a winning roster.

Championships don’t have to be a static total, I reminded myself cautiously.  Of course, the stacked roster hasn’t won anything yet despite an impressive July roster.  Not getting carried away should be the first lesson taught by ruing karma.  I’ve been at it for less time than lifer Knicks fans, but I can apply my training as a Buffalo sports enthusiast.  Unlike Brunson’s compensation, there’s no discount.

[technicallyimhere]

i still can’t get over the fact that my first love is a girl. a girl!!! don’t get me wrong. i’m straight af, although there’s nothing wrong with not being straight, it’s just not my preference. but anyways… i didn’t know she’s a girl!!! i’m only finding out about everything now. per usual, she says the most eloquent things i’ve ever heard. very well-spoken, not to mention soft-spoken. she just always has a way with words. aside from the books i’ve read written by some great authors i admire, she’s the only person that i’ve ever met who’s able to use just the right words with such weight and meaning in them. i’m always amazed at how she can sum things up into short but elaborate words while i always have to write long ones to prove a point. the things she’s been saying and telling me since we started talking again are the ones that i’ve been longing to hear from her. every single sentence and the thoughts behind them. this is undeniably fulfilling. i will always remember the memories we shared, good and bad. i had nothing but admiration for her then. i remember being so madly in love. in my eyes, she can never do any wrong. nothing she did made me love her any less. if anything, it caused me to fall even harder for her. i couldn’t believe that i was there at her happiest. that behind every struggle she had, every struggle she had told me about, she was actually at her happiest. i never saw that for she was always sad and shutting me out, leaving me wondering if i ever did something or that if there was something that i can do to make things easier for her. i strived to make life easier for her even at the cost of having a hard time myself, so hard that i couldn’t fathom it into words. i never knew that she was afraid to lose me. i never knew that she felt the most at ease whenever she was with me. i never knew that she looked forward to hearing my voice and the stories that i have to share. i always thought that between the two of us, i was the only one who looked forward to her. but i think she looked forward to me even more. i think she loved me more than i loved her, more than i could ever know. and that loving me was a constant effort to making things work, even when it got hard, especially when it got hard. i never knew i was that special to her for her to hold a such place for me in her heart. i never knew i made her feel how worthwhile it was to just love her for her, with or without her scars. for that, she now appreciates love and life. we would’ve made great friends. yeah, friends and not as lovers. her humor always had a hint of darkness in it, which made it even better. i’m glad that she’s the person that she is now. although she calls me out for it for always giving her too much credit. but, man she sure does deserve that credit. she’s changed so much. those times when she just came out of the dark and ready to spend time with me once again after shutting me out, even with showing that she was doing better than before never felt like it was going to be for good. it always felt like she was going to hit her lowest lows and i wouldn’t be there because she didn’t want me to. don’t get me wrong, i loved her dearly. but to be honest, the person that she is now is the person that i used to wish for her to be when we were still together. when things got rough, i couldn’t help but wish that the way she is was different. everything felt and was heavy back then to the point that i felt like i was swimming endlessly, trying to survive against the waves and current. but now, she really changed for the better. perhaps that version of her wasn’t for me to have.

[forbidden-x-tree-mist]

September 7, 2023

“You can’t go back to the past just because it is familiar.”

But what do you do when all the boundaries of present and the future blur themselves into this difficult shade of blue you can’t decode. What do you do when you would just do anything to go back to that part of your life where at least something is familiar to you. Moreover, what do you do when the present does not work, the future is bleak and you don’t remember any even a single worthwhile memory to hold on to your past for.

It all feels like damn damn labyrinth, i was out of it for sometime and I really believed that i was, but now that all this has started again, was i really ever out of it? No! Some of us are really trapped inside ourselves, in our own lives and it is the toughest thing to make the people understand what we really feel at that point of time. A few days ago my friend texted me that she needs a cigarette really bad (has been trying to avoid them), i called her up and was like dude dont go down that street, but really it was so easy for me to say that. And she did tell me how i would never understand how she felt. A few hours ago i did something terrible too, as Frost would put it I took the wrong road, I took a way i knew too well, too well to even know that it was the wrong one. But right now while im writing this even im not able to imagine let alone understand what was i feeling then.

Today just happens to be one of those bad days you know, which start bad and keep getting worse and all you can do is to wait, wait for time to pass and heal all that has been eroded. I remember writing in my diary once that how, “We have all slept for nights, after which we never wished to wake up again.” Today is really one of those nights, and I do wonder that how shall it pass, but ik it will, because Shakespeare said no, “This too shall pass.” But does it really matter what Shakespeare said when he can’t feel what im feeling, and are his words but really helping me? Are my own words really helping me for that sake? Will I get over the guilt of doing what I just did and like that? Will I ever be happy? Will my words really make sense anyday?

Will i have the answers to these spirals that run down in my head?

John Green said that, “What you need to understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.” Was Green talking about me when he wrote this, i dont know. But what Ive sort of slightly understood is that my grief has become so much entwined with who i am as a person that i somehow am not really ready for it to leave me. I remember reading this post on Instagram where this person asks his friend that are we really willing to let go off our grief? I guess im never going to do that, what i have felt during my low times is something i wish to carry through my highs, for i shall always remember how far Ive come.

I really was on the good track from some days/months ago, i started to adore myself like i have never done before, but today it feels like i did away with everything with just some (8) blows. It’s like literally i took the sharpest edge of the screwdriver and dig it in my skin. Sometimes there’s so much going on in my head that i really wish it to get out through inflicting pain upon my body, like really. It goes so hard that i get an adrenaline rush from harming myself, and want to see myself more hurt after that.

i have cursed my skin a lot, a lot in the damn twenty years i have spent on this planet but today i do really feel bad for it, for i have inflicted more pain on it, than it really deserved. But isn’t life unfair to me too like that inflicting more pain on me than i deserve, than i really can take, isnt life unfair too!?

I remember this person in college I telling people how i was all about money and good clothes, i wish she could see this side of things as well. But haven’t all of us at some point of times in our lives been like her only, ignoring what the other person feels just due to the look they put out for us too see, dont we too often feel like how other people get it easy in their lives, but really are any of us getting it any easy than each other? I feel we are too broken for a generation to be. But aren’t we also broken because we were raised by a generation which was broken too? Is this world really so broken, is it as broken as my skin is, but is my skin more broken or my heart, or my poetry.

Is it a competition for being the most broken?

(Will i win)

- N