#the word haunted is also often used to describe cal

[radiopaques]

Is this anything

[wonderofwander-blog]

Two Whole Years Later...

Two whole years later. I’m sharing my story because...well the chances of anyone reading it are slim...

I am currently two years apart from my best friend. I know he’s by my side everyday but it’s not the same as being in his physical presence. Calling when I need him. Texting just because. Talking shit all day long and bullshitting because we could. It’s not the same. I miss him. My whole family misses him. 

Two years ago, this week was the WORST week of my life. I hated living in this world knowing Jessie was no longer around. I didn’t seem right, it didn’t feel right and I was just plain ol’ lost. I can remember exactly how I felt because I still feel it to this day. Trav & I loved Jessie with every beat of our hearts. It wasn’t enough for him. Everything quickly turned to slow motion. I suddenly stopped caring if people saw me crying. I didn’t feel the need or the motivation to be my best. I just existed. While everything moved around me, I was not. I was still, watching and waiting for this to be a joke. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t a joke. He was, in fact, gone gone. For good. I was crushed. 

Imagine sitting in a room full of glass windows... You can see and hear everything around you. Nothing stopped. Nothing waited for you to heal. I couldn’t come to terms and I couldn’t get a grip. I was an empty shell of a person. A big part of me died when Jessie died. A big part of me left... for good. There is nothing in this world that could prepare me for this moment. I’m sitting here trying to gather words to explain how I felt but there aren’t any words big enough or great enough to describe my loss. 

But I’m just here writing to express the flashbacks of this week -- two years ago. I found out Jessie had passed away in a weird way. His mom posted a status on Facebook but I was at work. I tried to call Jessie the day he passed away but his phone was off. Uncommon, but not uncommon at the same time. I didn’t think anything of it because I knew he was out the night before so I just shot him a text. Probably a stupid text because we were always bickering at each other to stop being potatoes and get up for the day. So I went to work. Around 2:30 my friend Lanie texted me & was like Jessie died?!?!??! & I was like yeah, girl! Like a week ago. It was horrible. Jenny is out of work for some time. You didn’t hear?? (Someone who used to work with us, named Jessie, had passed away about a week or two prior) and this is where she kicked me right in the gut... She said “No, Jessie Jessie... like your Jessie...” & I was like “...Nooo????? What are you talking about!! He is fine???” *Cue bone chilling screenshot* Yes, she sends me a screenshot of the post his mom made. Mind you, I am a service manager at the time and I’m about 30 minutes into my shift. I literally stopped breathing. I was shaking and I was scared but I had to see it for myself. So I went to Facebook and there it was. My worst nightmare. So I ran. Don’t know why, but I ran. For a long time, I ran. I was running up Fairbanks like a lost dog. I knew I couldn’t run away from work without explanation so I ran back. I crumbled behind a dumpster and just cried. I called my mom and I told her what I saw. She didn’t believe me either so she had to look for herself, too. There was silence on the phone for a minute or so. I knew she was reading. She just said “Melani, you need to leave work now. Do not get in your car, do not leave. I am sending your brother to get you.” I said okay and got off the phone. I just sat there behind that dumpster like a pile of bones. Other managers came to check on me. At that point, I was in shock. I could barely speak. The GM came out and told me to grab my belongings and take the day for myself. I took his advice. I sat back there until my brother got there. I went inside and grabbed my stuff and left without speaking a word. I got in the truck, which was a quiet ride. My brother could only utter the words “I’m sorry, Mel. Are you okay?” All I could say is “Why?” Why me, why him, why this? WHY? 

I made it home. All my friends, hearing the news started calling and texting. I got a lot of those “I’m sorry for your loss” texts and “When I heard the news you were the first person that came to mind and I wanted to check on you” texts. All of them were meaningful, but empty at the same time because I knew they didn’t get it. 

So I dragged myself around for a few days. The tears never stopped. Everything made me cry. Nothing made me cry. It was all I could do to express myself. Eventually, the CEO and his business partner came into work and sat down with me. They expressed their condolences. They knew Jessie pretty well and they knew how close we were. Jeff sat with me for almost 30 minutes just looking at me while I stared at the floor. A puddle of tears beneath me and he finally spoke up. With tears in his eyes he talked to me about how he also lost someone. And a lot of times he did this same thing. He just cried. There are no words or thoughts that can get you through it. Nothing is enough. His conversation was sort of empowering because he never cried. He was the tough guy. He was the one to kick you in the ass when you needed it and kinda maybe sort of tell you that you were doing a good job when you were. I respected him. I still do. He let me cry. He didn’t ask if I was okay. He didn’t hug me and tell me he was there for me. He just let me be and I really needed that. It got me through my day. He hugged me before he left and told me to call him if I needed him but it wasn’t and I’m sorry hug. It was a “I’m genuinely here for you when you need it” hug. He stayed out of my way after that and let me grieve. He was exactly what I needed at that moment. 

I eventually gathered myself enough to reach out to Jessie’s mom. Jessie was her only child. He was her everything. She was HIS everything. He told us that everyday. I met her a few times before this and she was an awesome person. The kind of mom I want to be. She loved and she loved well but she had rules. Easy to abide by rules. Her door was always open and she never had a problem with us overtaking her couches and blankets to watch Rick and Morty in her living room. She was just such a gentle and caring human being and it was easy to be comfortable around her. She even met Rohan once when he was a tiny tiny little baby. She told me what happened to Jessie when he passed away and URGED me not to watch the news or read the articles. She was having nightmares. I did it anyways. Sorry. The reports were horrible. Headlines read “Possible Overdose At WaWa With One Alive In The Car”. News broadcasting videos of them shooting the one living person passed out on the sidewalk, and his car... covered in plastic. Police and Ambulance everywhere. Not something you’d ever dream of seeing. And the comments. Oh my god, the comments people were making. As if this wasn’t someone’s child or family. It was sick. But I couldn’t stop. I had to know this was real. I talked to his mom about services and such because I had to say goodbye. He was not leaving this earth without me, selfishly, saying goodbye. She respectfully opted out of services. I thought that was a good call and I think it was Jessie’s style. His family wasn’t here and he didn’t have many people around him. He didn’t live here for very long. I asked her if I could do a memorial for him and his friends. She said that Jessie would love that. And he did. I expected maybe 15 people to show up... over 50 people showed up in Jessie’s honor and we listened to the stupid music we listened to in the car everyday. I was so taken away by the fact that Jessie touched this many people. We had drinks, we played games, and we laughed.... and we cried. A lot. At the end, we all released balloons and lanterns for Jessie. His mom made a HUGE bouquet of balloons and even tied his name, letter by letter, to the strings. It was perfect. I can remember exactly how that bouquet of balloons drifted off into the sky. It was slow to rise but once it did, it flew away in the most perfect way. I loved it. 

After that day of saying goodbye to my best friend, it wasn’t over for me. I worked late nights as a manager. Often, I would come home to Travis and Jessie on the couch hanging out. Every time, he would say “Hey Mel, how was work?”.  When I started coming home and the house was empty, I started hearing his voice like he was right there. It almost haunted me, in a way, but I would reply anyways. I started calling my mom every night when I got close to home just so I couldn’t hear it. I still did but I didn’t answer because I didn’t want my mom to think I was crazy. I probably was crazy at that time. Eventually, she said “Mel, why do you call me at the same time every night? Are you scared to go home alone?” So I told her the truth. I told her I was hearing Jessie every day and it wasn’t in my head. It was audible. So audible, I could respond. So yes, I was scared. She told me to tell him to stop for a while so I could grieve. I took her advice and never heard his voice again. There are times I regret that so much and there are times I don’t. Now he is invading my dreams. I like that because it’s refreshing to know he’s still around after all this time. I need him sometimes to just be in my dreams. The only thing is, I can never hear his voice. I see him clearly. I see he is talking and I kind of know what he is trying to say, but I can’t hear his voice. I am grateful he is there either way. 

I got pregnant again shortly after he passed away. I named my daughter after her Uncle Jessie because he will ALWAYS be a part of me and my kids will ALWAYS know who their Uncle Jessie is to their Mom and Dad. Rohan had the pleasure of meeting him, but will never remember. It’s okay, though, because they will know him so well as they grow. I will always keep his memory alive and when I get to a place where I just really need a friend, I just call out to him. And he meets me in my dreams. Call me crazy, I don’t care. I will ALWAYS have a friend in Jessie. Present or not. And he will always have a friend in me.