#the youth pastor was super cool. we all loved him.

[so-very-small]

i can’t go on amusement park rides anymore but as a teen i loved them, specifically because it was the closest i could get to feeling what a tiny might feel when being moved around by a giant

like, once i went to a place that had a ride that took you up 200ft in the air and dropped you straight down. all my friends hated it. it was the only time i ever heard my youth pastor curse. but i rode that thing a billion times that day because in my head i was just like “hehehe this must be what it feels like to be dropped by a giant”

[maybanksbabe]

Ok so I hate cheating tropes

BUT I had this fuckin idea in my head for a few days now and holy shit

Little lamb already being in a relationship with someone that her father set her up with (maybe their dads are like really close or something) but meeting rafe and his family at church one day completely ruins things

I'm talking about little lamb telling her parents that she's going to church for some late night bible reading and her dad gives her the key to the church and she tells her boyfriend (let's say his name is Richie) that her father doesn't really let her out past curfew unless it's for a good reason (her curfew is like 8pm and 9pm on a good night but if it's for like church things than he's like reluctantly agreeing while little lamb's mom is ecstatic about her loving Jesus or whatever) and that coming over to her house without invitation is like a big no no (even though rafe is like coming over whenever he can cause you know he's a BadBoy™️)

And like rafe gets her a necklace that matches her purity ring (this is a little self indulgent here but not the point) and the necklace is like super expensive and had a really nice 'R' on it and Richie thinks it for his virgin ass but really the rafe Cameron

Her father kinda despises the Cameron's bc of all rafe's run in with the law but also because of the cover ups that ward does for rafe, he thinks that all of the Cameron's, except for wheezie, are sinners because

A. Rafe is an absolute psychopath and a 'delinquent' (he's not wrong y'know 👀)

B. it's rumored that Sarah is not a virgin and that she cheated on topper (so the exact 'opposite' of his little girl THIS ISN'T MY ACTUAL VIEW OF SARAH IT'S JUST WHAT I THINK THAT RAT BASTARD PREACHER MAN WOULD THINK OF HER)

C. Ward used to be a pogue (he's an evangelical Christian of course there's going to be some classist bullshit going on)

D. Rose is seen as the other woman even if it may or not be true (since we don't know what's her deal it's either she's a homewrecker if ward divorced his wife for her or she's trying to replace Cameron's ex wife is she's dead or missing, I DON'T HATE OR THINK OF ROSE LIKE THIS IT'S JUST WHAT I THINK AN ASSHOLE EVANGELICAL PREACHER WOULD THINK OF HER)

E. He thinks that wheezie is just an innocent soul trapped in a troubled family (again he's not wrong but he gets all high and mighty over it, y'know bc he's a preacher and has major savior complex problems, he probably offers bible lessons from his youth pastor for wheezie but she begs ward not to do it and he listens for once, preacher bitch gets mad but doesn't say anything and honestly he thinks that ward is corrupting her innocent soul but mama lamb jumps in and says it's fine)

BUT that him and his family being all kind and forgiving towards them and welcoming them into the church will do wonders for rafe and his family so he kinda just puts up a fake smile at the Cameron's whenever they enter the church but little lamb's mom is like 'stop being so mean, Jesus said to love thy neighbor and gosh darn it that is what we will do even if they're... sinners' she says with a forced smile as she lightly scolds him in the back so that no one will hear them and she makes little lamb be all friendly towards rafe and the rest of the Camerons. I imagine little lambs mom is like way more cool about this kinda shit than little lamb's father

Rafe likes to tease little lamb about losing her purity ring as he's balls deep in her and says something like "oh baby... Looking at that ring knowing that you're not married and that I'm not your boyfriend is really does make this so much more fun" He grunts and thrusts harder into her as he laces his hands with hers as he plays with the ring absentmindedly as he reaches one hand down and play with her clit as he grins

"and the fact that I'm doing this in your family's church really is doing something for me" he chuckles and feels her pretty pussy flutter around him as he says these dirty little things "fuckin on the church pews... Who knew the preacher's daughter had it in her" she's clawing at his arms trying to bring herself back to earth but rafe knows that isn't going to work so he grabs her hands

"you keep moaning like that and people might come in here to see what's wrong" he holds onto her hand again and puts it back on the pew "and if people come in here they won't think of you as a little lamb anymore" she moans into her hand but he can still hear her little high pitched moan as he holds her hips even tighter as she's bent over the pews

"what if" she cuts herself off with a moanas she gives up on trying to silence her moans and holds onto pew for dear life and looks at her purity ring without a care in the world "what if that's not what I want- oh!" She grips the pew she's bent over with a harsh grip, and looks down and takes a glimpse at his cock intruding her perfect pussy "oh my freaking god!"

"c'mon baby, I know you can curse" he leans in and whispers in her ear "I've heard you do it before, playing with your pussy in the church bathrooms cursing my name AND god for 'sending me to test you' oh I know all about that" he chuckles and rubs her clit even faster

"oh my fucking god! That's so good" she holds her skirt up and let's rafe see her bare ass as he's taking her from behind "holy shit that's fuckin good" she moans out and looks back at him He laughed and let her fuck herself back onto him "now just where did you learn that, Little lamb" he says as he looks at her cute round ass bounce as she's moaning loudly again

"I'm not stupid, rafe, I've seen my fair share of videos" she huffs out a laugh before it turns into more, almost feral, moan and reaches down and guides rafe's fingers around her clit just the way she likes it and lets her skirt fall over then again before rafe just lifts it up her waist "oh god just like that, holy shit"

"maybe I was wrong" he says as he takes control back and thrusts even deeper in her "maybe you're just a wolf in sheep's clothing, huh?" He lets her rub her clit as he thrusts into her at a faster and an unsteady rhythm as he feels her getting closer too "oh my little wolf is surely full of surprises, ain't she?" She nods her head before he pulls her hair to make her look him in the eyes as he takes her from behind "c'mon answer me, little wolf" he makes eye contact with her and enjoys the fucked out look in her beautiful eyes as she struggles to even think as she moans so loudly and plays with her nipples with one hand and plays with her clit with the another

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Him calling her little wolf instead of little lamb is so funny to me 🤭 (you can ignore this but I had to get this out of my head and I'm actually kind of scared to post this on my main so you're cursed with this thought... My bad 😚)

This au is based on the idea of what would happen if little lamb's family isn't at all what it seems, so you know it's kind of a more self righteous than the wards but at least there's no drugs or run-ins with the law or cover ups for said run ins with the law or infidelity (mostly 👀)

HOLY SHIT IS RIGHT ANON OH MY GOD????

It's been so long since we've had a Little Lamb and Rafe moment I'm HERE FOR IT 🤤🤤🤤 I literally have no notes on this the description, the content?!! THE NECKLACE?!!?

Lawwwdddd forgive me I'm about to fucking SIN -

[pvccblog]

TUBE TIME!!

Man, what a great day! I feel like I say that sort of thing every day on these trips but I really really really mean that today!

Sports Camp was really great, we even had one first timer! I taught the lesson and it was about Moses leading the Israelites through the Red Sea. We did a fun activity associated with it that got Seth and Tyler a tiny bit wet. It was super fun for everyone.

Between our events, we had one of the best activity days ever on a Mission Venture. A friend of Pastor Joe's named Stan took us out on his pontoon boat! For most of our students, this was their first time tubing and we all had a total blast! He also brought kayaks and paddle boards. Such a cool dude and we appreciated it very much!

We had another good BARF Night and I'm sure you can guess one of the games played - Nuke 'Em! Easily the favorite game so far. We also were able to introduce my favorite BARF Night game - Plungerball!!!! It was really tiring but fortunately the temperature went down a bit at the end of the night. People were flying all over the place playing super hard - even Nicole! Her team beat my team 3-2 thanks to a game winning score by Andrew. It was pretty intense!!

We had two quite powerful testimonies shared tonight. One of the coolest things about it is that these two have similarities to their stories, and they didn't really know each other super well before this trip. They had interacted with each other during our training class when we were working on testimonies, and that was pretty much how they started to get to know each other.

I'm talking about Malia and Bailey. Malia is on her last Youth Mission Venture, and Bailey is on her first. Malia has become so comfortable sharing in front of a crowd. She is engaging, genuine, and really speaks from the heart. It's really hard to not tear up when I see her up there. Nicole and I have known her since she was born and we are so proud of her!

We haven't even known Bailey for a year, but it is obvious that God drew her in and that she has a real relationship with Him. She showed up on the first night of youth group last Fall and hasn't stopped coming. It was awesome seeing her get to know everyone and they all welcomed her in right away. She's a joy to be around and I couldn't imagine this trip without her. She brings so much to the team!

Bailey, thanks for sharing so boldly and for being a part of the team! We're so glad you are!!!!

We have a big final day tomorrow, and the weather is supposed to get hotter again. Pray for us to go out and finish strong!!!!!

Thanks and love y'all!

[itsjuliak5]

Stuff I loved about “Spider-Man: No Way Home:”

Non-spoilery first - It was pretty great and I’m excited to see what they do next!

*Spoilers Below*

- Willem Dafoe was genuinely terrifying in this movie. The way Norman kept smiling when Peter was punching him was so creepy. He was so good in this.

- Seeing Charlie Cox as Matt Murdock again was so nice.

- The way the theater LOST IT when Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire showed up was everything.

- Again the way the theater lost their minds when Norman said, “I’m something of a scientist myself.”

- “Stop throwing bread at me.”

- The way the entire theater clapped when Andrew caught MJ was everything.

- “Cure that ass.”

- “Are you going to suit up or are you gonna fight dressed like a youth pastor?”

- “I was in the Avengers.” ~ “That’s amazing! What are the Avengers? Is that a band, are you in a band?”

- “I’ve been stabbed before.” ~ “Ok good, good.”

- “I’m pretty lame.” ~ “No you’re not. You’re amazing. You’re amazing.”

- Honestly Tobey and Andrew had some of the funniest lines in this movie. They were so great.

- There was graffiti that said “Ditko” while MJ and Peter were on the roof.

- I’m almost positive I saw a picture of Liz Allen on People Magazine in a magazine rack. It was super quick, so I’m not 100% sure.

- WE WERE ALL WORRIED THAT HAPPY WOULD DIE AND IT WAS MAY INSTEAD😭😭😭😭

- THE END CREDITS!!!! I am so excited to see “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness!” Wanda’s new costume in that was so cool!

- “Lets go skinny dipping!”

[sugars-fluffy-escapes]

hi there! i love reading your fics sm! i was wondering if by any chance, you had any tickle headcanons for peter 2? (tobey’s peter) i literally never see any content for him besides my own. if not, then that’s totally fine! :} have a great day <333 💕

Awwww!!! Thank you so so much 🥺🖤🖤🖤 /gen

I haven't thought too much about hcs for Peter 2 but I do love Tobey's Peter (His smile and laugh are ADORABLE 😭💙 (also can we talk about this clip because his laugh is serotonin in audio form) seriously he's so cute) so I'll do a little hc brainstorm here!

Definitely feel like he's a ler leaning switch because he has the upper hand all. the. time. even when he's getting tickled and it's just a matter of when he finally decides you've had your fun and turns the tables 😖 I feel like he was probably a lee leaning switch when he was younger and as he got older he just became this super wise tickle monster LMFAO (not to mention he's got two younger brothers now so it's a guarantee that there'd be tickle fights) Cool youth pastor's gonna get them both with one hand for each of them AHSJSHDHDH

This is just what I could conjure up on the fly but this was really fun and I just might have to write for Peter 2 in the future 🥺💖 Thank you so so much!!! I hope you have a wonderful day! /gen /p

[kingdomkid]

Hey! I used to know you, and I just wanted to know if you were always religious but not super open about it, or did something so-called 'happen'?

Oh my goodness.. I truly suck at tumblr. This was sent last year how did I not see it, I’m so sorry 🙆🏽‍♀️

If you’re still there.... hi! I wonder who u are 🤩 I guess the answer to both of those is yes, haha. Let me explain.

I grew up with Christian values and always believed it to be the true religion, so I have always been religious in that sense. We just don’t like to use the word ‘religious’ because in a Christian context it usually means that we go to church because we have to, we don’t do bad stuff because that’s just the right thing to do, we have to earn our salvation and the love of God etc.. the truth is that people who live this way aren’t Christians to begin with.

So I believed in the existence of God, but I hated the church and Christians. I was cool with the idea of Jesus, but I didn’t really know much about Him more than that He was God, and believing in Him didn’t really affect my everyday life. I was ashamed of my family being Christians, so I never told anyone about it. My mum used to take me to church once a month and I would absolutely hate it with my whole being.. I swore to myself that when I moved out I’d make sure not to go to church anymore.

It was when I was fifteen that I saw how empty my life was. I had tried to escape feelings of loneliness and emptiness and depression with different things, but I always came back to the same place, ‘Is this all there is to know?’ I realised that I had been unhappy for years, all my youth at least. I remember even writing down “Am I miserable because I’m so distant from God?” on my notebook but not giving it another thought.

That’s when God saved me 🥰 Oh, Jesus. Seriously I can’t even explain the change that happened in me. It was through a sermon that my aunt had sent me, and I listened to it because she told me this was ‘Justin Bieber’s pastor’.. lol the perfect clickbait for a 15-year-old. That sermon wrecked me, it talked about God caring and protecting us like a shepherd tends his sheep. My goodness. And the most important thing he said was that not ‘liking’ other Christians isn’t a reason to dislike the faith because we are all imperfect, Christians included.. he called me out on everything. That was the day I got saved, even if I didn’t know what being saved meant. From that point on I decided to start going to church and from hating church and avoiding it I went to not missing one single Sunday, and I haven’t missed a Sunday (on purpose) since.

I don’t know how to describe it. I never want to go back to the old, empty, metallic, hopeless place I was in before I met Jesus. The difference between then and now is that now there is hope.. and joy. I still feel empty at times, but back then it was like a never-ending pit where you just kept falling deeper and deeper.. nowadays I have the truth of God’s word and the Spirit of God in my ear reminding me that ‘this is not the end, you have hope, there is so much good in your life that I have blessed you with, what you see isn’t all that there is to it and I am still good’. We hear those things from motivational quotes but they don’t help, it has to come from God Himself. The truth is so beautiful when revealed... so that’s my story. There is seriously nothing else in this life that’s good other than God. Absolutely nothing.

I pray that for you too ❤️ and here’s the sermon that I listened to: https://youtu.be/JaCH4brPdwo

[eyesoftxmorrow]

how about you gush about your friends?:0

oh god if i did that we’d be here all day HSBDGHSDG i’ll keep it short but here goes:

so. i’ve only known the dsg gang for like,, a little under four months?? but these guys are some of the best friends i’ve ever had. we’re all crackheads and i swear i lose braincells every second i’m around them, but on the other hand they can also be some of the most understanding/supportive people you’ll meet. the best part is that like,, we’re all HELLA different and i doubt any of us would’ve hung out together if we’d met in high school, but somehow all of our personalities seem to complement one another and it’s just a really chill group of friends and uGH i love them

A is such an awesome roommate – we’ve both been through all sorts of shit in just the past few months alone and it’s just been really easy to lean on one another when we need to. i’m so glad she and i ended up getting along as well as we do ;;w;;

M is the Designated Mom Friend whom i love v v much; she’s come to my rescue so many times this semester and she’s just so loving and gOD she deserves the world (also her hugs hit SO different….my god she’s like a serotonin dispenser I LOVE HER)

S is so chill but so chaotic at the same time – she’s a horse girl, a kpoppie, and a tumblr girl all somehow rolled into one but it just wORKS and the result is one of the sweetest people you’ll meet. also she’s younger than me but somehow i always feel like she gives Older vibes (in other words i’m the Designated Baby of the friend group and she’ll never let me live it down KSDKSGK)

L is???? so??? perfect???? like oh my god i tell her this all the time and she never believes me but she embodies everything i strive to be. she’s so hardworking and so passionate about the things she loves and she’s sUCH A GOOD MUSICIAN and i will always always wish nothing short of the best for her bc i can tell she wants to do great things with her life

K is the EMBODIMENT of chaos but in the best way possible. he’s super energetic and it’s so much fun listening to him infodump about the things he’s passionate about; he gives off youth pastor/Dad Friend vibes and?? honestly it’s just really cool to have a guy friend who just Gets It. i freakin love this guy

J is just about the closest i’ll ever get to having a Party Friend tbh, he’s fuckin wild but super laid back. he’ll never pressure you to do anything you’re not comfy with, but i think that he’s def helped me become more adventurous in the short time we’ve all been hanging out together

T is exactly the kind of guy who won’t hesitate to tell it like it is. i remember at the beginning of the year thinking that a lot of the guy friends i’ve made seem to be a lot more emotionally mature than those i’ve met in the past, and he was the main reason why i thought that

R is the Quiet Friend but it’s been so awesome to see how much he’s opened up since we all first met. he’s prob the most level-headed out of all of us (which is a good thing bc i feel like we’d implode if we didn’t have a Calm One KSDGKSDKG) and deadass is the Only Bitch I Respect, he’s def a real one

and finally, W - god, i could go on forever about this guy. he’s the definition of Chaotic Neutral and could easily fit the definition of a midwestern cryptid if he wanted to. he’s witty and chaotic but at the same time he’s,, such a gentle soul. he’s mature and understanding and loRD he’s gorgeous……he makes me so happy and hh eck i feel rly lucky to be his gf :’))

fuck okay i told yall this would be long KSDKFDSNF anyway that’s my soft bitch hours

[fcrensis]

THEMES & PREFERENCES QUESTIONNAIRE !!

aka, things i’ve always wanted to ask people / have people ask me. please remember to repost rather than reblog!  happy munday ~ !!

what types of genres do you gravitate towards ?

in general ?? horror, for sure, in any sort of media ; though my tension in writing could use some ( a hell of a lot of ) work, writing horror characters is so much FUN. i actually came to the d:bh fandom from dead by daylight, where i wrote one of the killers, “ the wraith ”. i legitimately miss writing him because he was ?? SO FUN WOW i got to portray this horrifying, monstrous being, manipulated to kill over and over and over again and all the turmoil that came with becoming a predator. my best friend also had this cool horror storyline that i made a character for. his name was gilad, and he was a youth pastor, also indoctrinated into a nasty cult with demonic beliefs and child sacrifices and fucking hell we really need to write that some day.

what types of genres do you gravitate away from ?  

uh anything historical, usually, even fantasy history like game of thrones. it just doesn’t really interest me. saying that, fantasy just plain doesn’t interest me most of the time honestly, one of my favourite books is fantasy but nothing else of it has ever really been my thing !! i’m also USUALLY not a huge fan of anything that’s too much like real life. real life plots and au’s can be fun sometimes but not all the time ; i love a good fuckin barista thread now and again but i couldn’t write it for everything.

what types of characters do you most often play / enjoy ?   

GOSH ,, my character type changes pretty often. a couple years ago i was writing a lot of heroes ( like steve rogers and peter parker, i wrote a lot of marvel characters ) but when i dipped into the DC fandom, i picked up jason todd, who is absolutely an anti-hero. and that was sort of a stepping stone for me writing the more villainous and angry, troubled characters which is sort of still where i’m at ?? so melissa and connor are SUPER challenging for me right now and it’s a lot of fun trying to balance my need to make them fucking assholes and my common sense telling me not to do that.

what types of characters do you seldom play ?    

children, i guess. i have a couple of oc’s under the age of 18 who i have barely used, and before the dead by daylight fandom i was writing ernest vega in dream daddy, but generally i’m sort of weird about writing teenagers and children because i am ,, 20 years old, i don’t know what the fuck kids are like now. i also have never in my life written a maternal character. melissa’s sort of there, but it’s these brief mentions and references and not a defining trait.

any pairing tropes you particularly enjoy ? ( e.g. opposites attract / anguished declaration of love / etc )    

UH yeah, polar opposites ??? listen, in real life, i don’t think anybody who was totally different to me personality-wise would be a good fit, but in writing ? fuck yeah. give me the rough, moody character falling madly in love with the soft one. give me two characters who should be enemies coming to the horrifying realisation that they’re developing feelings for one another. i’m all fucking for it.

any platonic tropes you particularly enjoy ?    

found family is so important to me and i would DIE for hank & connor. i’ve had a lot of found family plots with friends and i am so emotional about every single one of them, be it a sibling relationship or parental.

any antagonistic tropes you particularly enjoy ?    

listen . . . i don’t know what an antagonistic trope is so i’m going to guess and you’re gonna all pretend i’m totally right.

i guess i’m pretty into characters being manipulated and finding out they’re being manipulated, trying to come to terms with that and address what’s happening and what they’ve done and being angry at the injustice.

what are your preferred thread types ? ( novela / para / banter / etc ? )    

oh man, it really depends on my muse. i struggle to write things that are super short, so i do like at least one good sized paragraph, but i prefer to have different lengths of threads !! like, sometimes, i really want to write something long, something more around the 700-1000 word length, but i don’t want that for EVERY thread. shorter things are amazing. they’re a good respite when i don’t feel like dedicating that much energy to something. 300 words is around my usual minimum but i can go shorter !! <3

what are your favorite types of interactions ? ( fluff / angst / smut / etc ? )   

i love both fluff AND angst. what i want at the time really depends on how i’m feeling, though !! like a few days ago i was super into angst and right now i just don’t really have the muse so my angst threads are on temp hold ( except for this one i’ve owed for a week lmao ) while i focus on less violent stuff. i love my characters loving and being loved, but at the same time sometimes i just want them to suffer in some sort of way.

i don’t like smut, though. i can’t write it. i honestly don’t know why, i’ve always been really awkward about it and i feel like, you know, you can’t moderate who reads it if you post it publicly and if i DID write smut, i wouldn’t want underage people getting at it.

what’s on your wishlist ?  what sorts of threads / plots / relationships are you craving right now ?    

me : give a serious answer me to me : literally anything w gavin give me BIG BRO GABIN

i don’t have anything super specific in mind except i ,, did a few days ago want to do an angst thread with connor where something happens ( i.e. hank dies ) and he just decides that he’s done, pulls out his thirium pump and unfortunately has it put back in before shutdown. so i would be open to discussing that w somebody for in a couple days when i inevitably wanna do angst again.

for melissa i !! really just want her to open up to somebody. tell them what happened to her and why she can’t let androids in her space. i also really want an android to TRY to get in her space. befriend her, androids. please.

i also wanna write the fuckin wraith again so if anybody wants to interact w an unwilling executioner trying to hold onto the last of his humanity hit me the fuck up

tagged by . . . @isolationtender a BABE an ANGEL melissa’s fuckign gorlfriend

tagging . . . okay none of you actually have to do this totally feel free to ignore but @detidgaf @lostxdetective @hcpesalive @ethereal-myth  ( hi guys it’s deviiancies )

[dejaaalm]

Super Star #2: Hang Lee

My older brother, Hang, has always been one of the most inspirational and admirable people in my life. In a way, he’s kind of like the crème de la crème in our family.  He’s a go-getter and always strives for the best. He never settles for a no or for less. When we were younger, whenever he wanted something, he would just go get it. Simple as that. It didn’t matter what it took or how expensive something was, he’d wind up with it. He has this great ability to establish good rapport with anyone he meets whether it be a thug on the street or a rich businessman. In retrospect, Hang was this kid who loved to explore and got into trouble with people and the law from time to time, but who would have ever thought that he would become a passionate and driven pastor?

Hang and I used to lead a youth ministry together when we were younger. I remember we’d stay up late talking about the Bible and the struggles of being a leader and leading youth to Christ. I always felt that we worked well together as a team because our personalities were very compatible. He’s talkative and smart. I’m kind of talkative and smart. Haha! Okay, maybe not that, but we’ve always had a way of understanding each other without being rude and condescending to one another. Some siblings love to fight and quarrel about everything which leads to estrangement. We debate and disagree on things but we never leave the room feeling angry or bitter or hold something against each other.

I have several favorite memories of Hang and me together. The first memory was when I was a senior in high school. My high school had this poetry competition in which I involuntarily and accidentally signed up for. My English teacher assigned all of the students a poem and told us that we were to memorize it and present it to the class a week later. I was assigned “Romance” by Claude McKay. A week later, I presented my poem with a little bit on fun and entertainment—I added some wit and acting to it. I was taken aback when my classmates voted me for being the best presenter. After class, my teacher told me that she wanted me to compete against students from other English classes within our school. I would have another week to prepare for it. That one week of preparation came by quickly and I did the same thing I did again. I don’t know why but my school awarded me the 1st place winner and chose me to represent our school and to go compete at the Poetry Out Loud contest against other schools in the state of MN. That was scary. I had no idea what I just signed up for. I had two weeks to prepare for the big event and I needed to present three poems. I was so nervous.

The night before the big competition, I stayed up until 10 PM practicing my lines and being creative with my body language. I wanted to sound good and make the audience feel the poem. Well, Hang came home (I can’t remember if it was from work or school) and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was practicing for a big competition tomorrow. He went to his room and put his stuff away. I thought he was going to bed because it was starting to get really late. Ten minutes later, he came out and said that he wanted to help me be prepared for my big event. I practiced the lines over and over and he was like a movie director telling me how to position my body, what to do with my arms, how to emphasize certain words and lines.

The poem that really got people remembering me for was “Romance.” Apparently, many people who heard me perform it just loved it and said that I made the poem so sexy. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t even know that it was a poem about intercourse. I just thought it sounded cool. The second poem that I presented was a bit more challenging. It was call “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. I didn’t think that anyone would choose this one because it was kind of long and the dialogue is so powerful. Sadly, another contestant from a different high school also performed the same poem. The end results was that she performed “Still I Rise” better than me. Well, at least I agreed with the three judges. I came home with the second place trophy, a $200 gift card, and $500 worth of books for my school. Honestly, I didn’t even think I would place anything. To this day, I owe it to my brother, Hang, for staying up until 1 AM to help me succeed.

Another memory of Hang and me was when we attended this huge youth leadership meeting at this one old church. I can’t seem to remember what it was called but it was near down town Saint Paul near the high bridge across the river from downtown. It was a snowy day and the roads were extremely slippery. The meeting ended around 8:30 PM and we were on our way back home. I can’t tell you how scary it was but Hang’s car was swerving all over the place. We were on highway 35N headed toward Maryland Ave when his car spun 365 degrees. I held onto the door handle and screamed. I thought we were going to die as I saw my life flash before my eyes. There was a semi-truck next to us and I thought for sure we were going to crash underneath it. Thank God we didn’t. His car was stuck though. I remember Hang was so calm and he kept trying to get the car to move. Luckily, there was a cop behind us who was generous enough to turn his lights on and block traffic from passing us. After about what seems like an eternity (probably 5 minutes at the most), his car finally decided to move and we were able to exit about a mile up the road at Larpenteur and Wheelock. As we exited, he finally asked me “Are you okay?” I was near tears as I nodded. Man, God is so good.

The third story about Hang has to be one of the best stories ever. I’ve always believed that when I dated a guy, if he didn’t click with my brothers then he’s not the one. When I started dating Scott (my husband now), I didn’t jump too quick into introducing him to my siblings yet. I had gotten out of this 5-year relationship with my ex and so Scott was new territory to my family. Hang took the initiative to stalk my boyfriend on Myspace. Yes, Myspace was the big thing of the past. So, let’s backtrack a little bit here. Scott loves listening to Tupac, Biggie, and rap music, so, naturally his Myspace had a picture of Tupac and his background music was Tupac and gang rap music. During Hang’s stalking mode, he figured that this “Scott” guy was not the right guy based off of his first impression of Scott’s Myspace. It’s so funny. I’m laughing as I’m writing this because everyone who knows Scott knows that he is far from being a thug. I had to do a bit of explaining to my brother to set the record straight. This was actually a good thing because it showed me that my brother cared about me and was looking out for me to ensure I’m not with the wrong person.

Hang is a super star on my list because he has a big heart for people. He loves helping, giving, supporting, providing, praying, ministering, and encouraging others. People will easily judge him for being too friendly or too easy going, and some may think he’s an easy person to take advantage of because he’s so kind and readily giving. What people neglect to understand is that they’re the ones who are taking his kindness for granted. I’ve seen so many people come and go and abuse his kindness. In the end, I know my brother is left a little wounded on the inside but he’s such a humble person. He doesn’t hold anything in. No hate, no grudge.

Teachers used to ask me what I want to be when I grow up and I always secretly said it in my mind that I wanted to be like my big brother, Hang, when I grew up. Now that I’ve grown up, I’m nothing like him but I still have it on my bucket list to be successful like him someday. I’m grateful to have him as a role model. I know that he will always be there to support me.

By the way, he’s a pretty creative chef too. His steak is always the bomb!

[inmomni]

No. 14

It was after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got saved for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin.  I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn't had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been saved, again.  See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should just want to sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with Caleb, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me, 

 I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

And from there my difficult journey of becoming a disciple of God started.

God works independently from you.  This is something that He has been teaching and showing me in this current season of my life.  I always had this imagery that depicted how I came to faith, and how I’m being sustained now: me being dragged by a rope tied to my hand by God.  Let me explain.  Looking at my faith, my life, my experiences, etc., I feel like i missed out.  I feel as if because God made me a Christian so early on with such strong convictions that i wasn't able to really have fun in high school.  As in the sex, drugs, alcohol portion of it.  A culture that always sounded so alluring and enticing because it gives you a good status; a “cool” status or reputation, one where no one has to question who you are, just as long as your there to have fun, you're family.  But my ties to the church prevented me from fully immersing in that culture, and i really did genuinely try to be a good christian while struggling with this sense of being cheated by God.  So this lead me to do something else: just drift in and out of the two. Not like split life type of deal, but just over the course of time that has passed up since then and now, I have tried, just once, a good number of drugs, was a pretty fat stoner, and am still currently working on getting rid of nicotine.  I hardly ever read the bible regularly, prayer was on SOS duty, but still during this entire time, I was, and honestly still now,  going to church, singing my songs, and repping the name of Jesus to those who knew I went to church.  

I thought I knew what a christian should look like.  I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like: 

- Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn't cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”....Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.   - Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies. - Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you're around them, but somehow they're so humble that it doesn't even cross your mind. - Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those - Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved           The list can go on, but because of this mismatched lifestyle of knowing what is good but not living it out, there emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school: 

Summer is so good, its great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such... then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again.  Then it repeats. 

But during these times there have been moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.  For some context, we started the day with a staff meeting where the pastor told us about the theme, what kind of message she will be sharing, the weight of this day and the significance it could have on the kids. Everyone was “mmm-ing” in agreement and prayer was loud so you know people were passionate, but i wasn't really in the mood.  I really wasn’t in a good place in my faith, then again when have i ever been, and i just said yes to a pastor that said they were understaffed.  So I brought along Caleb, who was walking with the Lord at the time.  But prayer was only 3 minutes long because the meeting started too late.  So everything started getting pushed back a little bit.  Stations were shorter, and the station leaders were rushing things to pass the group to the next station to the point where by the end, all the crew leaders were a little bit disoriented and tired.  So back to the scene at Chick-fil-a, after ordering food, I asked him, “Hey, what did you think about today?” He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, a prodding question to see what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn't do the gospel justice, how this wasn't something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to, “uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station”

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn't understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don't point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn't do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because I only got into Biola, Hes bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart

Placing me in Torrey so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, and having that show up at a party half tipsy with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me

This cycle continued starting senior year of high school, to hopefully not now, getting worse every single year, as in the depressed months started to bleed past their previous marks. Until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester. 

It had lasted til May.  

At that point i perceived myself as for what i thought i had become.  It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.   I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I'm not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that, I don’t go to the gym anymore,  I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all I feel so selfish and twisted I feel so sinful, Holy i feel so dirty I feel so far from God, am i really a christian? I barely read the bible,  when was the last time i talked to God?  No other than a Sunday. I’ve been a Christian, or a so called christian for how long now?  Almost 8 years now? almost eight years.  Even after all these years I can't get this thing going God, I’m such a failure, I’ve tried so hard.  To be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard.  I don’t get it, and i don't understand it.  If i did, then i wouldn't be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn't be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing.  I should just give up, I need to leave, 

But where would I go? 

Ecclesiastes puts it so well (I love this book) when it says that EVERYTHING is meaningless.  If you really think about it, there is no point to life. To pass on your genes? To have the most toys at the end of your life? To be a powerful change in society to those who are equally as insignificant and pointless as you are? as if your possible change will bring about anything more than which is your mere humanity, which is what, simplified by science, nothing more than a generation 10000 monkey all within a world that is dying and rotting each day that passes.  

So it’s either God, or death.  

Well, I don’t want to die... Yeah I really don’t want to die, so then how do I do this

HOW can I do this?  I’ve failed so many times I could probably map out and predict up until when I’ll be depressed, what I’ll be doing during that time

God, I don’t know what to do. That’s when it became clear to me.  If you've noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point.  God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don't know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe its time to look towards God and not myself.   God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  These snakes were sent to kill people with their venom because of their sin and rebellion, and the passage says that many died from these snakes.  So the people cried out to Moses, and Moses to God, who instructed Moses to erect a bronze serpent in the middle of camp (on a standard) so that if any man looks on the serpent, that even if they get bit, they will live.  Now, a thing about snakes, they're not that tall, so the area that they'll probably bite you, if you're not laying down in snake infested areas, around your feet, legs, ankles, all areas that you have too look down to see.  So you’re here, dodging snakes on the ground for dear life, when Moses comes around and says to look up at this serpent so that you'll be saved.  I’m guessing that this bronze snake was up on a tall pole or structure so that not just people in the vicinity would see it, but people all over camp, which meant that if you wanted to look at the bronze snake, you'd have to take your eyes completely off the ground.  So you're surrendering your own ability to do the best you can to defend yourself from these serpents risking death, or to look up at a bronze statue of a serpent to live.  And get this, the bible doesn't even say healed, just “will live”, meaning to me that it probably still hurt like hell when they got bit, but they lived, which they wouldn't if they tried to do it on their own.  Our protocol is just to look at Him, nothing else, not to look good in front of him, not to hide your sins, not to say this or that, but to look at God like a child and say “help please”.  

Now

How do you do that.  

🤷🏻‍♂️

I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can't be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of Gods hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

How Nick Foles Got Back Up

http://fashion-trendin.com/how-nick-foles-got-back-up/

How Nick Foles Got Back Up

PHILADELPHIA ― Before he was the 2018 Super Bowl MVP and a civic hero, quarterback Nick Foles was a gentle, nurturing kid with white-blond hair and giant hands. That’s how I remember him, at least. Nick and I were childhood friends. His size always made him seem older and more imposing than he was. He was quiet and liked to play Nintendo.

Our families spent holidays together and visited each other between Texas and Louisiana. Nick’s dad, Larry, had been the manager of a Baton Rouge restaurant where my dad bartended in the late ’70s. When Nick was 8, my dad took him and my brother duck hunting in Grand Chenier, Louisiana, and Nick was more interested in caring for the injured ducks in the blind after they’d been shot than in hunting them. At one point he got upset because some of the ducks seemed not quite dead. He wanted to end their suffering. So he tried to shoot one on the floor with his BB gun, but he missed, and the BB ricocheted and nailed my dad in the forehead.

The Nick Foles who greeted me on Monday in a nondescript office at the Eagles’ Philadelphia training facility was not quite the Nick Foles I knew as a kid. I hadn’t seen him in 20 years. He is 6 feet, 6 inches now and in all ways a bona fide phenomenon. Grown colleagues of mine own shirts with his name on them. Men across Philadelphia have his face tattooed on their bodies.

We spoke for an hour about football and fame and faith, about being an apolitical quarterback in a politically charged moment for the NFL, and about his near retirement two years ago and his unusual journey since then, from backup to star to backup again. 

Nick! You’re so much bigger than the last time I saw you. I have a picture of you and my brother arm wrestling when you were children.

Eagles PR guy, on his way out of the room: I bet your brother can’t beat him in arm wrestling now.

Nick: Taylor? He and I are getting older now, so we’d probably just have a beer and call it a day.

I thought you didn’t drink.

I’ll drink sometimes, usually hard dry cider. I’ve noticed, even though I’m 29, with all the hits and everything, my body just does not feel good when I drink alcohol. We have so much to do throughout the day, and when I’m healthier and on it, I can get more done and still be a dad and a husband.

Do you have a vice? Do you ever just go nuts and eat a bag of Hot Cheetos?

I had two autograph signings the last two days for like eight hours, and I didn’t eat yesterday, so I got home and I was starving. And we eat gluten free ― my wife got real sick four years ago, so we’ve had to learn, and it helps me too with inflammation. But I got home and crushed a bag of chips. They were the healthiest chips you can get, made with coconut oil and stuff like that, but I’ll definitely have some gluten-free pizza.

So you don’t have a vice.

What’s it like to suddenly be famous and see grown men around Philadelphia wearing shirts with your name on it and having tattoos of your face on their bodies?

It’s crazy because when I was here the first time around, we broke a lot of records, I got a lot of notoriety for that here. Philly just loves the Eagles. But when I came back after everything that happened in my career in St. Louis and being a backup in [Kansas City], I wasn’t as noticeable. I could go to the grocery store, and people would recognize me, but it wasn’t a big deal. Now I go anywhere in the nation and it’s a big deal.

Tori [his wife] and I were just in Hawaii on a pretty secluded island, and even there the locals knew who I was. A guy recognized me while I was snorkeling — it was crazy. People are always very nice. But I would never sit here and say you just get used to it — I don’t know if anyone’s ever supposed to be used to it.

What’s the weirdest fan encounter you’ve had?

The tattoo things are pretty crazy. I met a guy at a signing the other day — his whole back was me with a trophy on the “Rocky” steps.

Wow. Was it a good tat? What did you say?

I mean, it was his whole back. Forever. There’s not much you can say. I was like, “That’s cool, man.” That’s there forever.

Do you find Eagles fans to be different than fans of other franchises?

Yes. The thing I’ve always admired about Eagles fans is that it’s not fans; it’s family. It’s generational. I was at a signing yesterday and a lady started crying. She said, “I got to watch the game with my 90-year-old mother, and it was the greatest moment of her life, watching the Super Bowl.” Another woman said she was trying to have kids and couldn’t get pregnant, and after the Super Bowl she got pregnant. The doctor said something shifted in her body that allowed her to be pregnant. Stuff like that you hear, and you realize this isn’t just a game for people here.

So there are people in Philadelphia that credit you with their fertility.

I saw on Instagram that you have a “Rocky” trophy in your locker.

Yeah, actually the guy who made the real “Rocky” statue [in Philadelphia] sent me that after the Super Bowl.

It’s funny that you saw that on Instagram. I’ve never been great at social media. With what Tori and I want to do, with helping the community and maybe starting a foundation, it’s important to expand that stuff. But I don’t want it to be a highlight reel of me, I want it to be real. My wife gets sick, Lily [his 10-month-old daughter] hit her head the other day — stuff goes on. Though beautiful pictures of beaches are wonderful, I want to post things that inspire me — whether it’s a song or something I read. I’m just trying to home in on using the platform to help people. Because football — though this is awesome, and it’s great to be in the NFL — I knew a long time ago this wasn’t where my heart would be. But now because of this, I can help a lot of people through other avenues. I can go and speak, and people want to see me.

You’ve said that you want to be a youth pastor after the NFL, right?

The media sort of ran with that. People were like, “Oh, you want to be a pastor! God bless you!” When I was in Kansas City and having a tough time in my career, I decided to go to seminary to continue my spiritual growth. And the youth pastor thing — we have a great local church at home, and I always thought it would be cool to volunteer at the church. I could teach some sermons in the high school, but it’s more just to be one-on-one and help those kids at that point in their life.

There are so many people on your team from different backgrounds, different religions, different political views. Do you find yourself being a spiritual leader on the team or more kind of leaving everyone alone?

I think everyone knows I’m a Christian. But I just really want to show love to my teammates and show I genuinely care about them and that I’m not trying to be better than anyone.

When I’m on a team, it’s all about relationships and just getting to know each other. If you ask me about [University of] Arizona, I probably won’t remember a lot of games, but I’ll remember the locker room. I’ll remember working hard with those guys and that friendship. The NFL’s a little different because guys are in and out all the time, but when I step in the building, I just want to get to know people. I’ll go in the equipment room and chat. When you actually love each other and you go into a game, it’s easier to play. When adversity hits, like in the fourth quarter and stuff goes bad, no one freaks out because you’re like, eh, I got it. We all care for each other. We know we can play. Every team says they’re like family, but this team really is more than any other that I’ve seen. That’s why I believe we won the Super Bowl — because of the relationships in the locker room. That’s the coolest part of the game.

The number one thing I tell kids when I go speak is, if you’re doing this for money, fame, girls, boys, cars, whatever, you’re going to be very empty at the end of it. I can tell you that because I’m who you want to be if you want to be an athlete. I’m a professional athlete. And there’s nothing in there. The newest car’s not going to be good enough. For me it’s my relationship with Christ and my family, that’s what it’s all about.

Do you and your teammates joke around and make fun of each other? Do they have any nicknames for you?  

Everyone knows I’m sort of goofy. Some guys are really serious when they play. I’m not. In practice, when I’m throwing with receivers, I’ll work on some no-look throws — I’ll look left and throw right. No one will ever do that in a game, but to me it’s just sort of fun, and there might be a day I do do it and everyone’s like, “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?” It’s just off-the-wall stuff. We played ultimate frisbee the other day, and I got to be a kid and run around like crazy. Even in games, I try to keep things humorous. If I throw a really bad ball or a long out-of-bounds ball, I’ll say: “Oh wow, that was really good, Nick. Wow.” But I won’t be down on myself, I’ll sort of laugh.

An example is, during the Super Bowl I threw a touchdown to Corey Clement, our running back, that was between three defenders, and everything happened so fast. But I went through my reads, and I went to throw to Corey and in my head was like, This looks horrible. This is not how we drew it up. I’m not throwing it. What do I do? And all of a sudden the safety slipped a little bit, a tiny bit, and I was like, Oh I got this. And I threw it, but that’s what went through my head in a split second. And it landed between three guys and he caught it. 

I have to touch on Colin Kaepernick and The New York Times story about the owners’ meeting, the talk about going to the White House or not going to the White House. There’s obviously a super politically charged environment in the NFL right now. Some of your teammates have been pretty outspoken about politics, but you’ve stayed out of the fray. Do you think it’s possible to remain apolitical as a star quarterback in the NFL?

I just don’t know a lot about politics, it’s something that I just don’t have a great knowledge in, so I just listen and observe. That’s really it. If I spoke about it, I wouldn’t have a lot of knowledge in it. The character of people, the heart of people, that’s where my focus is. When it comes to political issues, I look at things differently. It’s not necessarily for me to speak. I might have opinions, but I like to listen in those situations, because a lot of times you can say something, but you’re not going to be right either way. So it’s pointless.

So you’re staying out of it.

How do you go from Super Bowl MVP to being a backup again? How do you flip that switch emotionally?

Well, it’s never been done, ever in the NFL, for a Super Bowl MVP to be a backup quarterback. I thought I might have been traded a month ago, because I saw everything in the news, and we’re aware of that because that’s our life. We just moved into a great home here last off season, we have a ten-and-a-half month old, a great place. And if you’re going to be traded, you have to be on your toes. But now that we restructured our deal, and we’re here for at least another year, it’s honestly a great opportunity to impact a lot of people, because a lot of people are gonna look at me and say, “Alright, let’s see how he really responds. Let’s see how he really acts. Let’s see who he really is.”

And pride does seep in, you know. You see a Super Bowl ad and you’re like, wow, that’s crazy! And you’d love the opportunity to start. But you have to reel back in. I think everyone deals with that in some sort of fashion. You know, it’s humbling. I have to humble myself daily to come in here and be a backup quarterback, sit in meetings, and I’m not the starter, though two months ago we were on stage holding the Lombardi Trophy. But it’s good for me. I’m learning a lot about myself and growing in ways I never could imagine. Everyone else looks at it like, “Oh, you should be starting, you should be getting paid this,” and it gets in your head a little bit, and then you have to get it out. Because it doesn’t matter. You really have to just focus on now and just being grateful. It goes back to perspective, like my family — seeing my daughter and my wife. We’re happy. We have great people here. Just sort of enjoying the moment, because eventually football will be over. 

What was it like going up against Tom Brady after having been a backup in the same season? How did you not crack under the pressure? Were you nervous?

I didn’t know how my body was going to respond, because it’s such a big stage. You know how you’re going to prepare, but you never know until you step on that field how it’s going to happen. Because you always prepare to succeed, but guys have bad games. My focus was staying in the moment, staying present. It’s easy to look at the big picture and freak out, but we say, “Be where your feet are.” Like right now, I’m present, I’m talking to you. That’s where I am. My mind isn’t wandering. And with that it sort of clears the clutter in your mind. Every day I get up, make coffee, read scripture. I was journaling every day during that time, because there were so many emotions I was dealing with, for leaving the team and being in that situation.

So I felt good going into the game, but I remember sitting there for the national anthem, and I was taking everything in. And I knew the first play of the game was a pass, and on that play I’d sort of get an idea of how my body’s doing, how my heart’s doing, how my mind — like, is everything calm? Then I dropped back, our first read was covered and did a hard reset all the way across the field and threw it to Nelson Agholor for a completion, and I remember right then I thought, I feel really really good. It was probably the most relaxed I’ve ever played in a game, was in the Super Bowl, because I was just very present. The stage didn’t get too big.

And I really believe the reason I was so calm is because I have great teammates and that they’re very talented and work hard and do what they’re supposed to do. Not once this year did the offense get mad when the defense played bad, or the defense get mad when the offense played bad. That showed our team we always had each other’s backs.

Is that different from other teams you’ve been on?

Yeah. I’ve been on teams, I don’t want to name them, but the attention to detail wasn’t great. Schematically, we weren’t great. Great guys, good people, but we didn’t have a strong identity, and going into the games was very stressful, very tough. And I remember having a lot of trouble — like I’ve always thrown for 300-400 yards a game since I was in high school, and it was this one year of my life playing the sport where we could barely get over 150 in a game, where I was used to throwing for that in a quarter. And it was very tough. But there’s a lot of growth that happened that year.

I talk a lot to younger guys, and money can blind them. I mean, when you play, you should get paid for what you do. But make sure you go somewhere with a good system, good coaches. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s miserable if you get on a team and you aren’t playing well and everyone turns against each other. And I’ve experienced that. I thought I was going to retire two years ago. That was real. That was 100 percent. I was done.

It is because you lost faith in yourself and thought you weren’t good anymore?

I knew I could still play ― they knew I could still play at an extremely high level. I just did not like football. I couldn’t touch a football. Someone would throw me a football, and I would just drop it. I’d had enough, I’d lost the joy. I can’t do something without my heart. I think something inside me was going on, there was so much fear to play again. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could play, I just had a horrible experience and it just blinded me. But I knew there would be more growth in playing than in stepping away.

And I knew I brought so much joy to my dad and my father-in-law and my family and the people watching, and [the idea of taking that away from them] hurt. They’ll watch me play the game, and it provides so much happiness and escape. My dad has rewatched the Super Bowl probably a hundred times. My father-in-law just watched it again last night.

That’s really sweet! My dad spent years trying to teach me how to throw a football correctly, giving me physics lectures about how my arm is like a whip. Are you going to do that to your daughter?

I’ll probably teach her how to throw a football. I really just want to do everything I can to love her and just be daddy. But I think she’ll have some good athletic genes — my wife is more athletic than me. She played volleyball at Arizona. She’s 5-foot-10, can run, jump. And Lily’s like, top percentile in length. She’ll just get a toy and throw it across the room.

You want to see some pictures of her?

[callmetatenda]

How I got saved

“God will break you to position you, break you to put you in your right place; but when He breaks you He doesn’t hurt you, He doesn’t destroy you. He does it with grace.” 

I grew up knowing who “God” was, and I put that in quotation marks because it gets a little bit more complicated than that so, bear with me. I was baptized as a baby and grew up going to church and had my confirmation at 13 years old. So yes, I would always proudly claim that I was a Christian and that I believed Jesus Christ was my Lord and savior. However, it isn’t until recently where it dawned on me that last summer is when I truly came to an understanding of what living a Christian life meant (I know a lot of people will roll their eyes at that statement because the first thing that will come to mind is probably crazy over the top Christians who are critical, hypocritical and condemnatory to people who sin [spoiler alert: we’re all sinners]). Anyway, back to my point; up until this point in my life, my Christian life had been extremely lukewarm. Everything about it was going through the motions or doing certain things because that’s all I knew. You know, praying and listening to T.D Jakes sermons intensely around exam season, but then the exams come and go and I go back about my regular life: not praying like I should, not filling myself with the Word of God, not rooting back all that I do to my foundation (which by the way, leads to a rolling ball effect of things not working out or you just not being the utmost best version of yourself).

I’m lucky enough to have tapped into my secret language to God at a very young age, from the time that I was probably around 10 years old my mother always had Mary Mary and Kirk Franklin CD’s playing in the house and as music is my first love this was my first direct point of contact to Him. At an age where I couldn’t understand why it was when I sang certain lyrics I would get shivers or why when I sang certain gospel songs they’d have me balling on the floor. I never fully understood that it was the Holy Spirit and in a sense it was a voice saying He’s right here and He’s always been right here and He’ll never leave. Now, I didn’t per se have a wow, there’s a God I have never known of this is so amazing, I am now a believer kind of moment because as mentioned, I was conditioned to always know that there was God of signs and wonders who parted the red Sea and did all sorts of unheard of things that were in my children’s bible story books. Okay so, let’s go back to why I put God in quotation marks at the start of this post…

So, growing up the idea of God was always that He was the creator of all things the Beginning and the End, the Alpha and Omega some huge unreachable thing. I always knew He was there but thought that somehow, I could not reach him. Yes, I prayed and loved to worship but it was always like I thought He’s this figure this all knowing powerful being… I’m not sure how to put it in words but I hope I’m making sense. Anyway, last year I came to a point in my life where I genuinely lost everything that I knew—my friendships were crumbling as I was at a dark and low point and the people I looked to for help and guidance weren’t there for me in the ways that I needed them to be there for me (which, now I completely understand that there was no one who could carry me into this next dimension and this level of healing that I was about to go into… but, for the sake of getting into the mindset that I was in at this point in time let’s just omit that). I repeatedly was seeing patterns of rejection and failure in many areas of my life and found myself crushed and heartbroken. And the worst part was that everything seemed to all come crashing down at the same time. My 20th birthday is one I’ll never forget because I will always vividly remember crying like I’d never cried before the day of and the days surrounding that day. I felt like I was losing everything I knew, I was lost, I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know where I wanted to be what I wanted to do or why I was on this planet. Everything I had ever worked for in my life at this point felt like a lost cause as every pillar in my life came crashing down. Out of habit when things tended to go bad for me I would run from God. I would run as far as was humanly possible. I only recently began to understand that it was shame that made me run from Him rather than to Him. While I was going through the most painful and grueling time of my life was when I finally earnestly sought God and was able to cry unto Him and give Him everything. I was finally able to release years of pent up anger, hurt, abandonment, negativity, depression…. Everything. Finally. I could r e l e a s e. I was at a youth conference and usually when I went to these things, yes, I was there to receive my blessing but there is always an underlying element of ‘I’m still gonna be cool,’ or ‘I’m not trying to do the most or be crazy super spiritual’ but I recall the exact moment of release when a pastor was laying hands on everyone and I was surrounded by sounds of worship and people being slain in the spirit and I found myself at a point of tears. Nah, not a cute thug tear that you could wipe away. I was bawling like a baby and for the first time began to pray eagerly and with aggression and with passion. When we got done, we started to sing ‘Way Maker’ and I honestly wish I could describe—there aren’t enough words in the English language that could describe the great load that I felt lifted off my shoulders when I finally was able to surrender and say, “You know what Lord, have Your way in my life. Guide me, help me, heal me and mostly carry this weight because it’s too much for me to take on my own.” That’s the funny thing about God, He’s always there. He’s always been there. But He won’t move for you until you allow Him to. You have to open the door, let Him in and give Him the keys so he can drive.

So I’ll leave you with this, I came across a video online of Tasha Cobbs Leonard ministering that really registered with my soul and she said, “What if you’re not able to get to your next place without being broken? Some of us are running away from our broken place. How many know that in your broken place you have to be separated from some people and separated from some things. You gotta pull yourself into a place where you can hear God. God if you gotta break me, I would rather you do it because you know how to do it with grace.”

[itsmondaytoday]

Day Three - My Parents

Lol so this has been loooonnggggg overdue but so much has been going on. Between exams and being at home and other stuff in-between, I’ve been on tumblr preeing and reblogging stuff but I haven't actually sat down to write in a while so here goes...

I have so many people I see as parents and have had significant part to play in my upbringing so I may be here for a while as I examine each of them in turn. 

First of all, my mum Esther. She's the best. She raised me single handled-ly from when I was 2 until I was about 8. To me, sometimes she’s still pretty much a single mum because although my stepdad is there to support her, my mum pretty much does everything for me like financially and if there’s anything I need she’s my first port of call. My mum is really hardworking, she's always wanted the best for me. She left my dad when I was about 1 and a half because living with him became unsafe for both of us, she saved and saved and saved and bought a house in London (as a single woman with a child - this is an amazing achievement). She’s always aimed for the best and she’s my inspiration. She’s a pastor, she's an accountant, she did her Masters whilst having four children... she is actually the best.

Next is my Grandma. I actually went to Ghana to live with her for a year so she was my mum for a year. She got me into one of the best schools, I remember it being really far away from our house like a 40 minute drive but her and her driver dropped and picked me up everyday. I have hurt my grandma many times, but she’s so forgiving and she reminds me of the Father’s love. No matter what I do, she still loves me, she always there to pray for me and fry me plantain and make banku and okra stew to make me feel better. 

My Uncle Michael is really cool. He's obsessed with Apple so I was the first to get an iPhone in like Year 8 when everyone else had blackberrys lol. He’s so supportive, he was my dad when my dad wasn't around, used to take me out like every weekend just walking around London and teaching me about my surroundings. He loves to take pictures which is great. And he got me the ENTIRE Fenty beauty collection for my birthday! Still praying for him to be saved though.

So my real (biological) dad is called Isaac. He lives in Ghana and he's been there for like the past 18 years. I saw him a few years ago and my attitude towards him was not good. There were a lot of questions I needed answers to. However I have learnt that no matter what he's done or what I’ve been told about him, he is my father and I have to respect him. I was once told “what if his only job was to bring you into the world, what if that is all God wanted for him to do for you” and then I deeped it. My dad and I are super cool now, he's like my most messaged and called person on WhatsApp lol. I hope to see him soon... this summer, God willing.

My stepdad is called Ernest. We never used to be boys but just like my dad, I have learnt to respect his role in my life. I am happy because he makes my mum happy (most of the time) and I’m thankful for the fact that my younger brothers can live in a house with both mummy and daddy because I never had that which left me with a sense of emptiness in life which could only be filled by Jesus and not a guy (lol I’m going off on a tangent... another story for another day). Daddy Ernest is really cool, and he's interested in Law and politics so he sends me helpful articles and we have really interesting conversations from time to time. Through him, I have also gained cousins my age who I love and can be close to. My mum’s family are all abroad.

My pastor from when I was 12 till I was 19 was PD. I’m not going to say his name for security reasons but yeah. PD also played the role of a father figure in my life. He actually beats me. That’s what a father does lol.

My current pastor is also a father. I don’t want to mention his name either but he’s the best. He literally knows the vilest details of my life and still thinks I’m not a bad person. I love him.

Finally last but not least, Clive and Sherena. These were my pastors kinda when I was in youth church and they really looked after me, defended me, helped me, wiped my tears. They did a lot and I’m so grateful. I miss mum and dad (I used to call them mum and dad) lol.

Man, I love to write. This is probably too long for anyone to ever read but its more for me than for anyone else and if you're still here, then erm... thanks?

[docandprof]

In Which I’m Uncomfortable

Hey bud!

How exciting to be writing back to you on All Hallow’s Eve Eve, because of course I’m not just going to call it Halloween. Goodness, has October, 2017 been a month for the books. Life sure is something, isn’t it? I’ve had no lack of things to do this long while, and it sounds like you’ve had plenty to do as well. Despite all of your worries and turmoil you conveyed in that last post, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh at how you tell your stories - it’s like you’re sitting across from me telling it for real - so thanks for the laughs! Let’s get on with it now.     

First of all, if this girl really is cooler than me, you had better go and catch her, and let her know how you feel, and also how cool she is. Apparently, it’s very. I can tell just from your writing that you are hopelessly into this girl, and you can bet your bottom dollar I would’ve kicked your butt into gear if I was with ya - but there’s no use worrying about things undone and unsaid! So, if you are still regretting that, forget about it. Here’s my advice: don’t just tell her how you feel or hold her hand or something to get the message across. That stuff - it’s too orthodox for you. Do you know who you are? Have you forgotten your roots? You, sir, are a weirdo. And Jaynie, I don’t know her, but she sounds like a weirdo too. It’s not just anyone who would draw you a super-manatee, wear your dry shoe, eat mac and cheese for breakfast, give you candy recommendations at two in the morning, and investigate the linguistics of Star Wars - and this is just what I know from a few paragraphs. Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems that she meets your criteria for an ideal girlfriend. When it comes to strong emotions like this, you can’t just sit around and wait. My roundabout way of getting to the point being - you’re not normal, so why are you worrying that you didn’t do any of the “normal” things to signal how you feel? I think this is better. Now you have the opportunity to do something that’s more you. You could make her a heart shaped pancake and mail it to her, or compose America’s next top love ballad on the recorder, or send her a carrier pigeon with cheesy love poetry. All I’m saying is that now you have a golden opportunity to show her how you feel in a way all your own - none of that normal, boring stuff the rest of us do. No no. You’re much more creative than that. So let her know, as soon as you can, because she won’t wait around forever ya know. 

Now that we’ve at least addressed that, it sounds like you’ve been doing tons of fun stuff! I would love to go camping like you and your friends did. I do miss the great outdoors. And it’s starting to feel a bit unfair how many great musicians you’ve gotten to see these past two months! I’m glad your classes are going well, and I’m pleased to say the same, assuming this Managerial Accounting exam doesn’t spook me into failure tomorrow night. It seems that in my last post I didn’t really fill you on anything I’m doing this semester with more than one sentence per item, so I’ll try and fill you in more. Oh, and that’s sort of where this week’s title is coming from - I pretty much operate outside of my comfort zone on a daily basis. I’ve been doing lots of new things, kind of all over the place. Just trying to decide where to begin is getting overwhelming. (Quick side-note about being overwhelmed: earlier I was sitting in bed, as I am still, thinking about the fact that I am reclining over 30 ft above ground with thousands of pounds of the 4th floor above me, which is kind of crazy. Whose idea was it to start building vertically?) 

I think I’ll discuss only honors related things for now so this post doesn’t get out of hand. Being an Honors Ambassador has been tons of fun so far! Everything really kicked off after my first tour, which I gave on my own without ever giving a tour or even attending an event as an ambassador, so I just told myself “If they get a bad tour then they will have had a sub-par tour of an academic institution, so really it could be worse,” and then I really wasn’t too worried. They even told me I did great when I asked how it was! Since then I’ve worked information sessions for two fall preview days where I talk about the Honors community in front of a group and then lead a smaller group on a tour. After the first group tour I was talking with this lovely prospective student, and I made some comment on how I could tell she was pretty interested in the HC, even though she seemed pretty introverted because I knew what it was like as a fellow introvert, to which she replied that I was doing a great job at hiding it. So that was funny, albeit perhaps a bit unprofessional, but I’m beginning to find more value in simple laughter and making human connections than I used to. I must say I have become quite the extrovert when I’m all dressed up for tours. I was joking with a professor I had last semester for my heroism seminar - ya know, securing my free spot on the trip to Transylvania she’s leading for Maymester, and telling her how ready I was to inspire the youth of America. Exactly a year ago from now I think I would have run away and had a breakdown in the corner at the thought of any of that ^. I told Rachel that I think being in a position that forces me to be energetic and positive is good for my health, because I’ve just felt happier after those events. Other honors related thing: my honors class on quality of life! This class has been quite interesting and different from others I’ve taken. Firstly, I really like the professor and that makes a big difference when I compare it to some of my other classes. I usually have lunch with him and other honors faculty and students during our weekly Tuesday HC lunch. Again, a year ago, I never would have done something like this, which I’m just now realizing how crazy it is how much my mentality has changed in just one year. Anyways, the course! We are working with community partners in urban poor communities in an attempt to talk with residents and identify what factors influence their well-being. I am in the group working with the Hub, a neighborhood center that primarily serves kids, because when asked, they adults said they wanted a safe place for the kids to play, because these kids are wild. So we tried to come up with some programming to get the parents more involved and just to come at all, hoping that we could talk to them. So last Friday we had a pumpkin carving event and it was a hit! The pastors that manage the Hub said it was the most parental involvement they’ve ever seen in the year they’ve been here. This goes along with the discomfort thing. I’ve never really worked with poor communities before. I suppose there are a lot of things we don’t realize from our comfortable socioeconomic viewpoint. Last Wednesday I went door to door through the neighborhood to invite people to Friday’s event, which was an experience I would certainly define as uncomfortable. And at the event itself there were over ten kids whose parents weren’t there so I was helping out the kids with their pumpkins which was actually pretty fun, even if I can be sort of awkward around kids at times. This is already getting long enough, so I’ll tell you more about...everything next time we see each other. 

Readers’ Digest on the rest: Working with Colombian students, I’ve made a friend and want to visit Colombia the more I learn about it. Work is still great, it is weird being an instructor though. I also recorded a Photoshop tutorial video for work, which could probably be better, but was still an interesting and new experience. Seeing John and Hank Green live was awesome! I also saw Alton Brown’s show with DJ, which was a super entertaining food science comedy show. I carved the most amazing pumpkin I’ve ever carved, we got our oven fixed, and I registered for the spring semester last week - and am hoping to renew my housing contract to stay in my apartment this week! 

Apparently I had a lot to say. Sorry for all the reading. My ideal Halloween costume: a student excited to be taking an accounting exam. That would be ideal. Just kidding. Honestly, since I didn’t do anything costume related this year, I haven’t put much thought into it. I know I mentioned dressing as Petyr Baelish would be fun, but I think anything with a cloak or some old timey robes would be enjoyable for me. Maybe if I try hard enough, I could dress up as just a cloak, instead of a guy wearing a cloak. Also, I love Too Many Zooz, thanks for the recommendation! My recommendation for you: get out of your comfort zone! Love is an uncomfortable emotion sometimes, so just embrace it and put yourself out there! Good luck with everything buddy! Let me know what you’re dressing up as for Halloween, because I’m sure you’re doing something! Oh and I almost forgot the question I wanted to ask you: can you think of a cool Dungeons and Dragons magic item? It can be anything - anything at all. Or multiple anythings. Now I’m done!

Your loquacious friend,

Souls

[whatwouldkenziedo-blog1]

(Kenzie’s Blog 7/17/17)

Hello to my non-existent readers! I am terribly sorry that I haven’t been here to blog. Recently a bunch of dumb teenage drama has been going on and I just haven’t made the effort to blog, but today I am back!

I will start with a story. Once upon a time there was a girl named Kenzie who was born a fat baby. She continued to grow up but continued getting more fat too. She then one day, after years of hating herself and being bullied, she realized she wanted to be different and healthy. So she started going to a weight loss program at her doctor’s office and started to lose weight. Now she is happy because she feels good about herself and her health. Kenzie is continuing to lose weight and stay on a steady life style. The end. Okay so if you couldn’t guess, Kenzie in the story is the same Kenzie writing this blog. LOL. I have always been a fat person. My W H O L E life. And it’s always bothered me, of course. But not THIS BAD. I mean I hate who I am and it’s to the point where my health is really affected by my weight. 

I started going to a weight loss program at my adolescents doctor on Friday (7/14/17) and that appointment went EXTREMELY well. I am hyped to begin this journey of weight loss and a whole new lifestyle. Basically in this program I meet with a personal trainer, dietician, and stomach doctor every month. If I lose any weight from the last time I saw them each month, I get an incentive (AKA a gift card to Academy). Not only are they motivating me with plastic cards that represent money, but also are motivating me with their care and support. The program employees REALLY care about each individual that they see. I feel so comfortable going into this program and changing my life with these folks. I couldn’t be more appreciative, especially since they have provided me with a scale, a ProGym (home gym equipment), and a FitBit. Not only do they give me tons of stuff and resources, they’ve also provided me with tons of excellent advice and ideas and plans to get me started on this wild ride I will be going through. 

So every month we have a set of nutrition goals and exercise goals and that’ll obviously change each month with my strength and abilities becoming bigger, the responsibilities and goals will also be bigger. 

This month’s goals:

NUTRITION:

1. Weigh yourself every morning

2. Eat slower (take 20 minutes at least)

3. Remember H.A.U.L.T. 

H- hungry

A- angry

U- upset

L- lonely

T- tired

These are each things that will make me want to eat since I have an eating disorder and I’m also a natural human being and eat when I’m hungry. But the point of remembering these things is that I will also have coping skills for each time I go through one of these reasons to eat.

Hungry - Eat when you are hungry, but don’t wait till’ you’re starving. Stop when you’re full, but not when you’re about to pop!

Angry, Upset, and Lonely - Use another coping skill besides eating, preferably EXERCISE!!!

Tired - Always have meals prepped, so I can’t use being tired as an excuse to not cook, or to go through the drive-thru.

AND

4. NO SODAS OR SWEET TEA

( For anyone who knows me, knows that blood does NOT flow through my veins, but sweet tea DOES! In conclusion, this will be SO HARD for me to accomplish. Butttttttt I will do it!)

5. NO FAST FOOD

( I also am a very big fan of eating fast food so this will be a challenge too.)

6. Low carb diet

EXERCISE:

1. Weigh yourself every morning

2. Reach your FitBit step goal of the day (Right now that’s only 5,000 steps)

3. Walk 30 Min. , 5 days a week

4. Use your ProGym for 15 Min. , 3 times a day, for 3 days a week.

5. Do an extra activity such as Zumba, tennis, or volleyball for 30 Min. , once a week

So those are my goals for this month. Next month I will be stronger and more capable of doing harder goals. Right now this is already kicking my ass. If you don’t know what a ProGym is, I recommend looking it up. It’s hard to do when you’re weak y’all!

But I will keep you guys updated on my weight loss and my goals of the month whenever I get new ones! 

Enough about my health. 

I want to talk about cute boys for a second. There’s a cute boy that I really like and I think he likes me too and he’s single now. So I don’t know where things will take us but hopefully things go slow and maybe something good will come out of it. I’LL KEEP Y’ALL POSTED.

Today I want to talk about insecurities and how God plays a part in how you feel about yourself. I want you to know that I am extremely insecure and that most days I don’t like looking in the mirror. It has a lot to do with my weight but some days I’m unhappy with my face or my hair or even my personality or my voice! There’s always some kind of flaw that I can pick out and just study on for hours in the mirror or I’ll think about something dumb I did years ago as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep. I can never be satisfied with who I am. Or at least I haven’t been before. So that being said, remember that I am someone who knows what it’s like to hate who you are. But during church camp a couple of weeks ago I got the amazing privilege of having Adam Griffin be the pastor of the week while I was there and I really enjoyed hearing him preach the gospel and share his testimony. One day before camp ended Adam had a small get together with anyone who wanted to go into ministries, whether that’s mission work, being a youth pastor, or pastor in general, or someone who’s a disciple, just anyone who wanted to go down that path, and he would answer any questions we had. Well obviously I went to that because I was fascinated with Adam and his journey that he took to become such an impacting man in people’s lives. I just had to know “how do I become that?” . So I went to this meeting and it was so cool to see all these teenagers who were like me in the sense that they wanted to be like Adam and change lives! I had one question for Adam. “Since you’ve said before you used to be super insecure, how do you keep your insecurities from affecting your work as you serve the Lord?”  And he had the best answer for me that planted a seed in my heart and it will grow into a tree that produces seeds for me to give to others, he said “When you walk with God, you don’t have to be insecure.” and WOW did that make me want to cry. This whole time I thought I’ve been walking with God, and I mean I have, but I’ve hated myself and I’ve hated this beautiful creation that God has made. I’m betraying God by hating his work and not believing that he can do great things with me. I do NOT have to be insecure when I walk with God. I do NOT have to fear when I walk with God. I do NOT have to hate when I walk with God. It made me realize that I need confidence in myself and who I’ve been made into. I need to love myself and those around me. We are all children of God and made in his perfect image, so why would I hate that? Why would I hate such beauty? 

What I want you to learn from this is that God made you and he made you in his image of what he thinks is beautiful. Be grateful for all he has done for you and how he has made you. Love yourself and everyone else. Remember that when you walk with God, you do not have to be insecure, and you are NOT alone. So come on, will you walk with God with me?

[relationshipsattherefinnest]

CHAPTER 6 ALL THINGS MUST FALL APART So New years day I send him this beautiful message about how much I like him and how I'll always have his back never leave his side and how I miss him and can't wait to see him and talk to him and make him my first kiss of 2016 and my last. Like it was super cute and nice. Of course, I went to church and stayed holy. Except when I left there I went to my best friend her mom wasn't home so we was too lit but all of these happy new year messages were rolling in from all these people I really didn't care about and not one text yet from my world “joe” so The next morning I wake up and go to this brunch with the best friend still no text from nit even a thank you. So then I feel in my stomach he did something is wrong and I was scared because I knew he did something stupid. So I go home and take a nap because I had a pretty bad headache and I was stressing so I needed a nap and took some medication. so i wake up like 7:00pm and read this horrible message from him stating “So my old friend with benefits from the summer that I was telling you about came to the party and she told me she wasn't in love with after all she was just saying it because she thought that's how I felt so I have known her longer than you and she wrote me this long message and I fell so bad so I'm going go back to her I'm sorry please don't just shut down on me and say K please tell me how you feel.” So as soon as I start reading this message I burst into tears and cry my eyes out like I knew it was coming I could feel it in my stomach I had never cried so hard over a guy before in my life. My usual attitude was ok bye you wasn't special on to the next but I had actually got caught upper once in my lie I was stuck. So I text him back Saying “ wow I must be the stupidest girl in the whole world I really thought you were different you made me feel beautiful on my darkest days and now you're causing one of my darkest days what kind of shit is that. How are you going to just announce to me you going back to this chick she doesn't own you. So what you known her longer i make you happy she is literally lying just to get you back how am i supposed to feel you literally just gave up on me for nothing all I have been to you is loyal because literally I could have gone out with this guy from my church named DeMarco and he really liked me and had just got back from basic training at the time and really wanted to go out and do something and I turned him down because I know you would have been upset. I had told him the story of DeMarco before hand and how we talked for a while then he laid a move on me right before he left and I really fell for him but I gave up on him because he was gone and Joe was there and you are blowing it for what some hoe that doesn't even really wanna be intimate with you, she just likes claiming you. Not saying that I was definitely going to be just saying knowing that she really wasn't should have been enough. how was i supposed to feel about you doing i was supposed to just be oh cool like what no you know how much I like you this is hurting me so much right now I can't even think straight.” so it was hours before he responded and I had to sent several more messages by then. So he calls me on FaceTime and I'm still crying. so I'm sitting in the dark in my room he is in his closet folding clothes and looks somewhat upset almost as if he was crying too. so he starts trying to explain so I guess I would understand then we began to talk and he realizes he is way more attracted to me and he has made a mistake and he needs to tell her he can't do it so he promises me he's going to fix this and everything was going be ok and stuff so I believed him because I loved him and trusted him biggest mistake of my life.

CHAPTER 7 TRYING MAKE IT WORK so my youth leader texted me telling me that we had a youth session coming up and to bring a friend and my little sister Karla really wanted me to ask him to come because she really hit it off with him from my birthday party. At this time Me and Karla were going through a lot because the pastor had just died but it was way harder for me. I was really close to him we shared a birthday and he is an amazing man and he was a blessing to anyone's life that he had a part in. losing him made 2016 very hard alone but joe was there for me every step of the way and I thought that made him an even better candidate to go with me to youth session. So he gets dropped off at an hour before hand so we can chill together before we go so where just in my family room on the couch cuddling. Then my mom walks downstairs and I stress how we are never really alone and it bothers me. So when were about to leave my mom leaves us both in the house and tells me to put the alarm on so he comes around the corner and we kiss then I put the alarm and we go outside we were supposed to just be friends at this time but I didn't care I wasn't thinking about that other girl all I wanted was to kiss the guy that I loved so iIdid.So we get to church devas there so she's happy to see him he meets my youth leader Erin and they really hit it off. Then I came to realize I fell for a cooler Erin they were just alike just I could talk to joe about anything and he was my age so I was so mad at myself but I got over it anyways. We got in the car to take him home and didn't realize we were taking him home until we turned into his neighborhood so at that point I and my mom determined he was a little slow but I thought it was ok. But going to youth session somewhat helped our relationship to a good amount the next week at school we were in the yearbook room before the fourth block because he would always walk me to class and we kissed and he held my hand as we walked down the hallway and shock it made it clear that he never does that and he was going to get the lipstick of his face anyways he was so loud the girl in my fourth block that was crazy in love with him heard and saw us and man oh man did things get crazy. She started telling me the whole story of them and how he was so sweet and would call her all the time and all that but would never you know wife she and she warned me it would never work out he would never have anything serious with me because all does is play with girls feelings. so, of course, I had to prove her wrong so he would walk me to class just about every day and almost every day in class she would ask how we were doing and tried to throw facts out about him trying to see how well I knew him it got annoying. Then at one point in class we got new seats and I was in between her and one of my good friends steve and I was talking to him about something me and joe had done and we were just laughing then she hopped up in the conversation like oh my gosh really you are crazy and punches my arm like we were friends which are nowhere near true could have lit her on fire with my eyes. But she wasn't the only wild female I had to deal with this year because of him but I will get to that. CHAPTER 8  ITS VALENTINE TIME So then were going into the beginning of February so obviously, I was going make him my so call valentine because in our school if I would have made any other nigga my valentine I would be a hoe. So I got stuff for joe jewel and my Ex best friend. So I was debating if I wanted to get him something since everything that happened and the fact that he didn't get me anything for Christmas. But me being me I had to get him something. So for jasmine I made like a cute little bag gave her necklace I picked out a cute note and baked cookies. She loved it and she bought me this cute teddy bear and Nutella because she knew I loved Nutella so I was so happy and I loved her so much for it. So I got joe a underarmer headband for when he plays basketball because he sweats a lot. I also wrote him a long letter and ended it with I love you. But each letter I did I spelled out their names with character trait words that describe them and he got cookies and another pair of graphic socks as well. So I gave it to him that Friday before Valentine's Day at school. So later that day he saw me walking around with the bear jasmine got me and he stopped me and was like the one I got is bigger for u I was like sure it is and laughed it off. So Saturday was Valentine's Day and I was going to my friend mary house and her boyfriend was coming over and we were going to joe house because his parents were going out of town and his sister was probably leaving so I could get my gift on Valentine's and see me, Valentine. So, of course, he messed up the move because he decided to go out with his sister instead of being with me on Valentine's Day . So we get back to school on Monday I thought he was jus going bring the bear then but nooo he didn't want people on his bus and his friends making comments. This is my thing he claims he doesn't care what people think but he's extremely afraid of showing any type of love or affection in public because obviously, he cares what people think but whatever anyways. So I don't actually get this bear until Wednesday night after Valentine's Day. And I know what you guys are thinking he went and got on sale, no no no he had sent me a picture of it on Valentine's Day at his house he not cheap just heartless at times. So what made him finally come and bring it to my house was a comment my dad said. He was like if he was trying come over here and get some sex he would have found a way asap but that's boys for you. My dad was saying as a joke joe isn't like that anyways well at least not with me, so he wanted to prove him wrong so he showed up the next day "Wednesday" so when I got the bear I was so happy. It was this huge tan bear holding a red heart. The best part the bear smelled like him. He had this Cologne he always wore when he was around me and I loved it. So he actually bought me chocolate as well but my dad and mom ate all of them but I was told they were good. But I was so in love and blinded by it, it was so bad I even started sleeping with the bear and I thought it was ok to trust him again because it seemed like he was putting in as much effort that he possibly could. But honestly what women wouldn't fall more in love with a man they already loved before because he trying harder. CHAPTER 9 THEIR FAMILY WORTHY So now we are coming upon march and it was my grandmother 70th birthday coming up so I asked him to go with me and my Ex best friend because I thought these two people would never turn their backs on me and loved me I was sadly mistaken. So on FaceTime I told him the day and time of the party and what time I wanted him to come to my house so we could be there by a certain time. I a lot of my family was going be there and meet him and everything but one of the most important women in my life were meeting him this day so I was nervous again. Let me tell you about my grandmother she's loving but she we tell it how it is and you know if she doesn't like you. So again what if she doesn't like him or thinks he isn't the one but I hid my fear and prayed for the best.    The day of the party came my best friend spent the night before over my house to make sure she would be ready on time. So got to 2:00 and I haven't even heard from joe so I got scared because sometimes he will sleep for almost all day. like one time i didn't hear from him for like two days and he was literary sleep the whole time i thought he might have been dead or worst. thank god he wasn't he just helped his aunt move so he was really tired fell asleep as soon as he got home and didn't get up until Sunday. yes, I overreacted but I was concerned and I was just getting to know him so I didn't know he did stuff like that but I surely did learn fast. so mom is getting pissed yelling at me talking about where going be late and it's going mess up the surprise so I'm calling him blowing up his phone he finally responds with a ‘wassup’ i tell him you were supposed to be at my house at 2:00 where are you? he responds “no you said 3:00 and I'm in the house playing the game.” So we start arguing no that's when the party starts told you 2:00. So he says I'm going to get in the shower I will get a ride up there with sean. So I get this text when I'm in the car and I'm pissed by this point because my parents are made to me now because of him. but i get the text and respond i told you sean had to work. with the straight face emoji i wanted to tell him forget shove your damn phone where the sun don't shine I'm over it. But me being me I kept with the plan and told him ask your mom to bring you and i sent him the address to the restaurant. So I guess he puts in his phone and realizes that the restaurant is 45 minutes away and he's like dang my mom not getting home from the hairdresser until 3:00 so I'm going be late. so at this point, I'm so irritated and I'm just like that's fine just come, please. So then he is like 15 minutes away and he's like what does your family know about us I tell him not much and it doesn't matter either way. My best friend was like why is he worried about that if he doesn't care what people think. And that got really thinking like what's the issue but whatever. So he finally gets there his mom drops him off. But for like 10 minutes before he even got there he texted me telling me I'm here I'm outside so I get up ad go outside to meet him say hi to his mom and everything. So stood out there cold for a while and he still didn't offer to introduce us so I just left it alone waved to her and took him inside and we sat down at the table. At my table it was me joe and my best friend at the time. But if my brother would have made it he would have been at my table as well. I was ready for him to meet my brother and my brother tells bit like it is so that shows how serious I was about him. However, my brother had just got jumped a few days ago out front of my grandmother's house for some dumb stuff so his face was pretty messed up and he didn't want to steal my grand mother's thunder so he stayed home. You know how it is you walk into a family event like that everyone gets to asking question. but the table next to us was my mom dad and grandfather. Well, he is my step-grandfather but he is the only grandfather I have ever had because my others were gone to be with the lord before I was born. A lot of my family members I never got to meet because they were taken away from this earth way too soon.I never got to meet my older brother because he was murdered in the streets of DC I wonder to this day if he was around would I have put up with half of the things Joe put me though. But back to the story so I was sitting their mad but telling joe the juicy facts and stuff about my family and then me him and the best friend where having a nice convo then I asked joe if he wanted me to introduce him to my grandmother. he said yes and he knew how much my grandmother means to me. I told him before about my grandmother and how if you meet her you are not going anywhere. I'll tell you a little about my grandmother or at least what I told him about my grandmother. She is my inspiration sometimes she has been through so much and overcame so much. She had her first child at sixteen and continued to have them she had four of her own but raised eight because she looked in other peoples children. My grandfather steps out on her and brought home a baby and she took care of that child like it was her own. She has had multiple accidents surgery’s and I have been there for most. She overcame drinking and smoking. She is now in church almost every Sunday and if you ever need her you can always call her and you know no matter what she will love you and support you. This woman has 14 metal clips on her neck that she will live with for there of her life, but yet she lives her life the way she wants to live it and doesn't let anyone hold her back. That's why I love my grandmother she's a fighter and she has put that in all of her children, grandchildren and grandchildren we fight back and we do what we want for ourselves we don't depend on anybody. So back to the story, we walked over and I said” “grandma this is my friend joe “he said, “nice to meet you happy birthday” she says “I'm your grandmother” which meant she excepted him so I was happy and I thought nothing could mess up that night. My grandmother was so funny too when he walked away my grandmother said “who's that girl at the table with you with the messed up hair?” so I tell her that is my best friend grandmother you have met her before. she says “Oh I didn't know what's that mess in her hair it looked way better before I just laughed and walked away.    so we go and get in the car so we can go home and chill and all i wanted was to go home and cuddle with him. So we get in the car and my best friend gets in the middle of me and joe i didn't think it was a big deal but my mom definitely did and asked me about it later because she felt like i should have been next to him but whatever. So where in the car on the way back and I look over and I see him typing long paragraphs to somebody so I automatically think that other girl. yes, it's very wrong to assume things but oh well so I get mad and put in my headphones and start listening to Shy Glizzy because I really was ready to pop off because if was her he was catching these damn hands I swear to God. So we got in the house me and my best friend went to my room changed I put on sweats and a hoodie because I was getting ready to beat his ass. So we go to my basement and everyone knows that comes to my house my basement is my hang out area, So where down there my best friend goes and hops on face time with her boyfriend at the time he was my friend Noah I put them on with each other. But look so they started dating or whatever and had a whole bunch of problems with parents and everything else then she comes to me starts telling me about all these guys she flirting with at work how she getting rides and free food them. At first, I thought it was fine because it was nothing behind it then she comes out of nowhere with a list of guys 3 or 4 guys they show considering messing with before actually getting serious with Noah. however, I already knew Noah was in love with her so I didn't know what to tell him and break his little heart or let him get burned bad and kill us all. Noah is a sweet young man but he has a real temper. so i decided to just tell him and that was the downfall of me and my best friends relationship but they tried to work it out then i find out that she has gone on my phone got this guy snap that she knows i talk to from time to time sends him some pictures or something called her cute. So she went and through in my face like yeah called me cute I went and texted him like aren't you trying to win me back why would you go and call my best friend cute. he explains I only said it because she was your friend you was in one of the pictures with her. At that moment I was mad I wanted to beat her ass on the spot you don't leave out details like that so after that she started saying she couldn't take me anymore and that I thought she took everything from me I thought that was hilarious I got more things this summer alone that you ever have in your whole lifetime including friendships and men but it's not even because she's ugly or anything she just has horrible attitude i was tired of putting up with it and nobody understood why I ever did so I gave up and I have felt like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She was a toxic friend all she ever did was knock me so I'm better without that always in my ear. The whole time means joe where a thing she was always being mean a negative and that never helps anyone. But anyways I and joe are just on the couch cuddling his hand was on my butt a little bit it was nice he got excited again. so then the best friend left. so we were just cuddling and kissing then we stopped and we started talking about the future and i started crying and he just stopped and was like whats wrong I'm scared of the future I'm going lose you I don't wanna lose you I want you to be the father of my children my husband all of that I can't even imagine what I would do if something were to happen to you because I love you. then he said do you love me or are you in love with me, this is where I messed up I should have said I'm in love with you but instead I said I just love you. I said could you even imagine if something happened to me if I died he almost started crying thinking about it and realized he loved me too but he wanted to go out and be a hoe and explore and loving me wouldn't change that but he promise he would always be a part of my life but that was a lie. so we were just sitting there talking and his phone go off and it's his little sister and he explains how he was texting his friend in the car and how he was helping her through her problems yes he knew that she liked him at one point in time but he promised her he would always be in her life as a friend and to help her. I was like aw that's sweet so his mom text him saying she's on her way so we go upstairs my tears are all on his shirt so where sitting in my family room just talking and thinking about life so his mom pulls up we go to the door he says I'm not going be able to talk to you tonight because gotta check on those two friends but I'll call you Sunday night I said ok he stopped so I could kiss him on the cheek then he left. but i realized he was texting his one friend named jane and he didn't  say anything about it but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he promised me he did like her.