#theater is better than film about fat but it still sucks

[monsieurenjlolras]

Did any other chubby musical theatre girls (or former girls cause I sure as hell am not one any more) have the specific experiance of never being cast in female lead roles for years because you were too fat, and then finally getting to do hairspray and being told you weren't fat enough to be Tracy.

[ironxkid]

why don't you like endgame or civil war

((hoo buddy, idk what brought this up but salt under the cut!! Like... a lot of salt - specifically regarding Endgame lmao

I’m gonna start off with CACW because it’s a short response lol

I don’t like it simply because I was done with the infighting between the Avengers. The found family crumbs we were given in Endgame was something I really wanted to see, and them just... ripping them apart frustrated me lol

honestly, the movie was... fine? Idk, I found it to be a lil slow for my taste (it felt like it just dragged on when I watched it in theaters), and I just don’t care for it in general  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, ngl, I’m really bummed that Captain America: Serpent Society was a joke announcement because that sounds dope as hell and I really wanted to see that before I realized it’d been a joke dfgjhdsfhj

but, yeah, literally just because CACW is specifically an infighting movie annoys me to no end so I just won’t watch it again dgsfjhsfdhj

now, Endgame?

fuck Endgame

I. have a lot of issues with it, all of which are major grievances throughout the fandom. I’m pissed they killed Natasha and didn’t even bother giving her a fucking funeral because, I quote from Joe Russo, “Well, Tony does not have another movie. Tony is done. And Natasha has another film. And Marvel Universe obviously does not have to move forward linearly anymore. But that character still has more screen time coming.” (see here) and that annoys the hell out of me. She’s getting another movie - great! So you killed one of the few characters doing her fucking best to keep everything together at the compound, the one who was taking charge, give her a big role, and then murk her and... give her nothing but a brief mention at the end. Like... what the fuck? Natasha deserved so much better than what she was given. Tony’s funeral could’ve (and, frankly, should’ve) been a funeral for him, Natasha, and Vision because god forbid we see anyone mourn Vision other than Wanda

(actually this post covers how Endgame fucked over the MCU women perfectly, though Wanda’s not mentioned :c )

plus... Tony’s not done lol - he’s still a massive figure in the films/shows despite RDJ not acting in them, so his character has left shockwaves that aren’t dying any time soon. Natasha... basically disappeared, and I believe she would’ve been dropped completely if it wasn’t for the fact she does have a film coming out soon. Which, frankly, seems awesome and all, but it’s a film that goes back to post-CACW pre-IW and... frankly doesn’t give me any reason to understand why that means she didn’t get a funeral. She’s not coming back in future movies/shows that are in present MCU timeline - her movie is set in the past. She could’ve gotten a decent sendoff 

now, Clint’s arc as Ronin rubs me the wrong way. I know it’s a huge thing in the comics, and it’s not him taking a different mantle that I have an issue with. It’s the fact he, a white man, went around murdering people and got off scot-free. Yes, he was targeting genuinely bad people, but... to show that, they specifically singled out Mexican cartels and the yakuza (Japanese mafia, essentially) - so, in other words, the bad guys were people of color! I feel like I don’t need to explain how fucked up that is. And, to clarify, I love Clint! Clint is honestly one of my favorite characters, and the whole thing was just handled... poorly in the film

Tony’s arc genuinely hurts. This is a man who has suffered for years and has tried to make things right, and finally got a chance to settle down. He finally retired from the Avengers, finally settled down, and had a fucking life he could enjoy despite his ghosts, and yet... His arc ends with a message of “tortured soul finally gets rest by dying”. Because, y’know, it’s great seeing yet another long-suffering character only reaching peace through death, because god forbid they let characters heal! He could’ve still caused the second Snap, and he could’ve survived. He could’ve finally been able to step away for good and focus on his family, focus on recovering, and be truly happy. What’s so wrong with letting him stay alive so he can rest and be with his family? What’s so wrong with letting a long-suffering character finally find peace after one last bang? 

plus it pisses me off that they’re now using him as a reasoning as to why bad things are still happening. Why is this person the bad guy? Because Tony Stark somehow may or may not have done something that hurt them! Even though most of that really stems from Howard or Obadiah. Tony just ends up getting the blame in their place. He’s just an easy target to use, much like the tesseract seems to be the go-to answer for why things go wrong. But this is a different train of thought

Steve’s ending pisses me off just as much as the next person lmao. You take a character who has acknowledged he no longer belongs in the past (which, funnily enough, was written by the Russos), aaaaaaand have him go back to the past while ignoring two important people in his life that were still right there. He got Bucky and Sam back, and he leaves them. His arc is ruined within a matter of minutes, and it paints a hella bad picture of him in the process. He goes back in time to stay with Peggy (which ultimately destroys her own arc, and the fact she’s a person outside of her relationship (or lack thereof) with him because, y’know, why have her be able to move on and be her own person?), and we’re supposed to believe he’s fine with everything he knows from the future? Fine with knowing Bucky’s trapped with HYDRA and is suffering as the Winter Soldier? Fine with knowing HYDRA has infested SHIELD from day one? Fine with knowing Howard and Maria are going to die? Fine with royally fucking up the timelines? We’re supposed to believe he sat back and did nothing with all of that? They could’ve had him still hand the shield over to Sam - they could’ve let Steve stay an Avenger without the mantle

also the fact the Russos said he didn’t recognize Red Skull when he returned to Vormir to return the soul stone? Like... what the fuck?? Not to mention he literally returns the stone to Vormir, which “soul for a soul”, and they didn’t bring Nat back that way??

and now onto Thor. Thor... holy fuck is this hitting something personal for me. Thor was ridden with guilt - he was furious with himself, hated himself, and blamed himself for failing to stop the Snap. He fell into a massive depression, and... was promptly danced around as laughing stock. Like, “oh! look at Thor! he’s fat and drunk because he’s depressed haha!” - like fuck off. It’s not funny in any form. His suffering was made into a joke and it pisses me off because I suffer from depression. A lot of people suffer from depression. It’s not funny. It’s fucking terrifying at times. I wasted a shit ton of money on a stupid online sim game because it was a distraction - it gave me... god, I wouldn’t even say temporary happiness, but it gave me something to temporarily help, and I still hate myself for doing it. It was a poor decision on my part, and I wish I could change it. And, during that time, I was scared because I couldn’t see myself pulling out of it. I thought I was gonna feel that way forever. I called out of work multiple times because there were days I couldn’t stop crying (something I still feel horrible for doing), I couldn’t get myself to contact any of my friends for months, and it was all because the medication I was on at the time... stopped working. Thankfully, my depression doesn’t work in a way that makes me a danger to myself, so that wasn’t an issue, but it still fucking sucked. And to see a character that I could relate to on such a personal level treated as laughing stock fucking hurt. I’m not sharing this for sympathy - I’m sharing this because it Thor’s arc hit home and it’s literally the main reason why I will not watch Endgame again

this is more of a nitpick than anything else, but... I didn’t really care for Carol in it tbh? Which is unfortunately because Captain Marvel is one of my absolute favorite movies! And I’m well aware she was introduced in Endgame while CM was being drafted, but that in itself is annoying?? Because Carol was originally going to be introduced in AoU, but was cut because it wasn’t going to introduce her character properly. And yet they decide to introduce her character in a clusterfuck of a movie before her movie is in the final stages, and proceed to release her movie first and then give a complete different characterization in her following appearance

honestly I just wanna cover this now to clarify some things regarding Carter and her backstory: the only reason I keep Endgame as is is because it felt easier for me to do so for the purpose of bending canon for specific threads. I wanted to stay as true to the given plots as possible to help with fudging of both the movies and her background, and also because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I was trying to force my own headcanons onto them, y’know? 

I’m just gonna plug this here because fuck it lol, but I did start a fix-it fic regarding Endgame that you can read here! I... probably won’t finish it tbh, and I haven’t gone over it in a hot minute so it might be riddled with errors ahah - plus I’m not sure about how I wrote the characters! I get nervous when writing canon characters because I feel like I’ll miss their characterization completely, which is actually why I,,, rarely rp canon characters dgfjhgsfdhj

also the image in the doc was created by @/archervale!! 

[misterbitches]

i realized by the third ep bc i wasnt totally paying attn the first time and im having the most traumatic month ever that adachi like....actually is a go-getter. he just thinks he isnt.

in the show he is older than i am but we are basically the same age. i've been loud, outspoken, tall, commandeering, and been a leader when i have to be. but if i had nothing pushing me? i know who i become. adachi got a job and does good work even if he believes he doesn't. that's not something i achieve or cuold do necessarily. he keeps his job, people like him, even if they walk over him, he's just you know. him.

but when he chases after kurosawa i never realiezd...like i would never do that. that's just not who i am and i wouldn't be able to do what he did. he thought about how much courage it took but, and this isn't in a bad way, he was like "WOW I DID IT!" but he fucking did it! he does it!

it takes me ages, i must deliberate, i have to think think think. he and i are different and lead different lives; he's more stable than i am financially and securely and he did that all on his own. it's weird to have someone so conflicted but be way more of a go-getter. i put on bravado but am extremely reserved and i would just take my time. if i had his ability i wouldnt do fucking shit about it. i'd be like ok time for EVERYONE to get the FUCK away from me and for me to like. go to a brothel. he handles it cooly and well. idk like....adachi is a lot cooler than he thinks. and i know he finds out what people truly think of him but seriously he's a chill fucking dude. he's also fucking hilarious. i'm glad people got to know him.

i am contemplating torrenting this in 1080p because it's too gorgeous to have it compressed to 720p and it really takes away from my experience because i think this is filmed very well but i can't exactly tell. it's a lot more complex than i remember it being but i was like....watching 5million things at the time. i wanted to take my time.

the thing about asian dramas and bl and stuff is that it's mine to do. i don't feel pressure because most people i know don't watch it. i can find my own thoughts and talk about them. i don't have FOMO really but if i do i will just....stop watching for months. it teaches me to slow the fuck down . it's better when not everyone around me knows because i don't feel this pressure it's just me.

i love films and well-made productions (not a huge tv fan) but asian dramas have allowed me to slow down. that doesn't mean they aren't without their extreme fucking challenges as someone who respects herself and the people that are marginalized the most. but it's good to fucking SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.

i'm sad tho bc i hate watching films alone and not in theaters so i become consuming way more asian media than i would like because that shuts me off to my people and the world too. but then again it's a bit of an escape even if it covers heavy topics i guess. sometimes. i think i turn to it the most when i cannot handle the heaviness of the world and feeling like being a black woman is going to drown me even if i am so proud.

there's a lot of cross-solidarity btw which is why so many black people do flock to the media. it isn't that we don't know we're being exploited and laughed at many times, or if we're fat etc, it's that there's an underlying struggle as well. still, it sucks to be reminded of our differences as well.

cherry magic is a really good example of a concrete world and a dreamy one and i think a person on MDL said this about it; to them it feels so like manga-y, very japanese, what they remember growing up on (ik it was a manga lol) and i think they get that right. also like....real actors. i don't necessarily feel the same way about ITSAY, but i think there's a lot less solace there. i've been asking people about what they think about ITSAY like what their issues with it were bc im genuinely fascinated to know bc visually taht story is really just...impeccable. tight writing. but there's something that is off that i don't feel with CM. there's a couple of reasons why but. anyways i am hungry and going on to ep 4. i cannot believe that guy who is adachi's friend is my age. ok he is not 30. HE LOOKS 35.

also if anyone watchedwe best love, doesn't the dude that's adachi's senpai who asks him to do too much work (this is where he and i differ, i would straight up be like hmmm probably not even in a work setting lmao) look like the guy from wbl?!?!?!?!?!??!?! u know the one

[scifrey]

My Very Spoilery Endgame Review - What I Liked, What Annoyed Me, and Two Questions I Am Left With

I was very satisfied and enjoyed it very much. The theater burst into applause in several instances and it was great to celebrate the end of an era with fellow fans.

Now for the spoilery critiques and praise.

My favorite moments were:

Thor reconciling his self-image and self-worth with his mother

“I’m still worthy.”

Loki escaping and (hopefully) living in at least one timeline - because if Steve went back to “trim the branches” then this means he returned the Tesseract to 1970. Which means the branch where Loki snagged the Tesseract and was not imprisoned on Asgard may have endured*. 

Ken Jeong’s cameo.

Stan Lee’s cameo.

Banner coming to terms with who and what he is and living comfortably with the Hulk.

Basically everyone really leaning into the self-love  and self-value by the end of the film.

“That is America’s Ass”.

“I could do this all day.” “Yeah, I know.”

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.”

“Ha! I knew it!”

“I am Iron Man.”

Scott finding Cassie alive.

Wong’s exasperated reply to Strange’s “Is that everyone?”

Nebula’s redemption. This is a princess (as Squidward calls Thanos “sire”) who saves her own damn self.

How the thing that gave the game away to Thanos was actually really clever and well executed; this wasn’t a “heroes are just stupid this one time” (like how Quill screwed the pooch in Infinity War when they had the damn glove). It was something that I genuinely hadn’t thought of, and I assume no one, not even Nebula, would have thought of. It worked. And it worked well.

All the ladies supporting Carol in the final battle - which was awesome but also felt a bit like the moment was added only so the Russos could check it off a “don’t piss off the feminists” list.

How the final battle set it up well for the next phase - I liked how the Glove Relay was from an OG Avenger (Hawkeye) to the new Avengers - Black Panther, Spider-man, and Captain Marvel.

“I love you 3000″.

Falcon!Cap - finally! Yay!

The sound of the armor that started it all being forged as the endcap of the credits.

However.

I wish Bucky and Steve had also had a meaningful moment at the end, like Steve and Sam, something that made it clear that even though Steve was older now, he was no less Bucky’s best pal. 

I'm very, very annoyed that they Fridged Natasha. I mean, I get it. Someone had to die. And we all knew Hawkeye was going to go back to his family, so it wouldn’t be him. And I do love how they did the death, how Nat and Clint fought with one another to the be the one to make the sacrifice. And her death would have been especially cheap if Bruce had just Snapped her Back. I get it.

And if there wasn’t a long history of Fridging female character to ensure the male ones have enough Man-Pain to have a character arc and impetus to be a hero, then you know what? This would have been a really moving sacrifice. It would have really worked.

But there is. And in light of that, it’s left me... itchy. Uncomfortable. Because in the context of the film alone it was a great death. But in the context of the history of comic book narratives, it sucked.

Also, what does this mean for the Black Widow movie? Will it actually be a prequel? Will it be Budapest? And if it is Budapest, will they use the same actors, or cast new, younger ones?

I also don't understand the narrative reason why they had to make so many fat jokes around Thor.

I mean, yeah, it makes sense he was depressed and stopped taking care of his heath, and self-medicated with booze and food. This was a strong and meaningful narrative and I really liked that he was given the opportunity to mourn, to question his purpose, to become more than just muscles and a hammer in terms of character construction. That he could grieve and struggle, and be filled with crippling regret that kept him indoors and hiding, and filled self-loathing.

 As a character choice it made sense. And I liked that he was still a powerful warrior while chubby, and that he didn’t magically become slim again when he suited up. It was wonderful to see him be no less powerful, dangerous, dedicated, and no less kick ass while sporting a keg instead of a sixpack. 

But they leaned awfully hard on that “fat joke” button and by the time Rhodey said “Cheez Whiz?” I was over it. Its got tedious and frankly a bit insulting.

Teasing someone for suffering because he lost literally everyone he loved is not cool. The jokes fell flat, for good reason. They were cruel.

And when the Russos announced that they had included the MCU's first openly gay character I was hoping that it would be a main character, not some rando dude in a talk therapy meeting. I wanted Bucky and Sam to confess feelings, or Bucky to Steve even if Steve couldn’t return them, or Valkyrie to at least have a wife in New Asgard, or something.

But TBH it didn't surprise me that they made it some nameless dude in group support. Like J.K. Rowling, the Russos are happy to queerbait but too cowardly to commit, and they always have been. I’d be annoyed but it’s not worth the energy. 

At least when the guy mentioned his boyfriend it was a “no big deal” mention, and nobody made a “are you cool with this, Cap?” thing to really point out that ooooo, this dude is queer.

But those are my only gripes. The rest of it was thoroughly enjoyable and satisfying.

Especially all the little call backs. The "I am Iron Man" and “I could do this all day” stuff - it felt like little gifts to the fandom.

However, I have two questions.

1) When people were Snapped Back, were they Snapped to their previous exact geographical location? Because if so, what about people who had been in transit? Did people who were Snapped Away while in a plane just... appear mid-sky and plummet to their deaths? Were people on spaceships Snapped Back into the void of cold space? We saw in Infinity War that helicopters crashed into city streets - the pilot, that means, was Snapped Away. When that pilot came back, where did he come back? Did Bruce think to Snap them all into safe places? (I mean, I assume the Stones accounted for Spacial Drift and the location of planets in orbit... maybe it accounted for people who would have Snapped Back into deadly situations?)

2) I do love that Steve and Peggy got their life together At that point Pegs would have been like... at least 10 years older than Steve? Maybe 15? What would her neighbors think of Sugar Momma Peggy Carter and her Very Much Younger (Looking) Husband?

Did she introduce him to anyone? Did they have neighborhood BBQs? At that point everyone would have known who Captain America/Steve Rogers was so did no one recognize him? What did they say? (Did we get Beardy Steve back???) They had kids, canonically, so was Steve able to attend their T-BAll games and school plays?

One assumes that Sugar Baby Steve would have been the House Husband, because Pegs was running Shield and Steve was out of the game. He’d never be able to show his face at SHIELD because Howard would recognize him, and so would Arnim Zola, so HYDRA would have known that Captain America survived and I imagine they would have given anything to get him into the Chair.

It makes me think that Sugar Baby House Husband Steve would have been very isolated and possibly lonely. Maybe he had a few neighbor friends, but can you image how torturous it must have been to live so privately? To know that Bucky was out there suffering and being tortured and brainwashed and that he couldn’t do anything about it? He couldn’t go save his best pal?

That Peggy could never bring him to the SHIELD Christmas party, to visit her new baby godson Anthony, never attend anything with him.

And it makes me think Steve had to vanish from her life right when his earlier self entered it so like... as soon as she started getting sick enough with Alzheimer's he had to leave. 

Because that’s when younger Steve came into her life, and started visiting her in the nursing home. 

But he had to abandon her when she needed him most, and that is very tragic. How did Steve reconcile that with himself? Especially with returning to a future where she was dead and his friends were alive and he didn’t need to be the Secret Sugar Baby House Husband any more?

All in all, it was very enjoyable and I will watch it again. 

And I look forward to the FanFic.

* This means that Loki in that branch also likely did not participate in the battle against the Dark Elves. His character growth in that moment was likely delayed, but I believe he ultimately would have processed his extreme confusion, self-loathing, and hatred of his betrayal by his “family” Thor enough to join forces with him against the destruction of the universe when it mattered. Perhaps having the extra time to do so might have even served him better.  I don’t know if this means Odin chose to die and Hela was released, thus triggering the destruction of Asgard. I don’t know what this would have meant for Ragnarock - possibly with Odin as the King when he died the defenses would have been better (though I argue the culture and peace of Asgard thrived under Loki, especially with his dismantling of the Empire and the valuing of the Arts) and they would have saved Asgard or at least not lost so many.

And if Asgard had not survived, perhaps in this version something different may have happened, and Loki wouldn’t on the survivor ship. Perhaps he was on a different ship. Perhaps he wasn’t present for the battle at all and in a completely different part of the universe.

If he was elsewhere this means 

a) The Asgardian survivors would have lived because Thanos wouldn’t have targeted the ship, and Thor would have been less self-loathing. 

b) When Thanos found Loki with the Tesseract in this branch, it’s likely Loki was able to ingratiate himself to Thanos and gave the Stone to him without Thor there to tip his hand toward an immediate betrayal murder attempt. I subscribe to the theory that Loki was just as mind-controlled during The Avengers and the Battle of New York as Barton (though I wouldn’t call Loki totally innocent in everything) and that he had been suffering from extreme mental health issues following his unsuccessful attempted suicide. In this case, he would be willing to play the long game to get his revenge on his abuser Thanos. Then, later, hopefully, he joins Thor’s side to save the universe against Thanos (as he did against the Dark Elves)- betraying Thanos and perhaps stopping the Snap before it happened in that timeline. Or if not stopping the Snap, perhaps being a part of the new Avengers if he survived it, or joining in the final battle if he was Snapped Away.

Anyway - I have lots of Loki Thoughts. Feel free to adopt any Plot Bunnies this may have generated in reading this. 

[amnachil]

The College Society Chapter 2 Part 8

This is the last part !

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey Thursday January 10 – Friday January 11

It was his last exam. The Dean's grandson finished it easily. He was sure to pass anyway. When he went out, he glimpsed Theo. The bastard was waiting for him. What the hell does he want ?

"Hey buddy." he said with a grin. "You have a minute ?"

"Make it thirty seconds, I don't have the fuckin' time to talk with you."

"Okay. I'll chase Liam after all. I want him."

"You want him."

You greedy pig. Fuckin' asshole. Dickhead. I don't know enough curses to qualify you. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey just smiled dangerously. This bally fucker.

"And why are you suddenly interested ? You failed month ago to get him."

"That's right, but I think I can be in luck now. I have some... advantage. And damn, he became so hot during christmas. Hunky but chunky. I love it. Sorry, you were too slow. He's mine now."

The blond lad just laughed. He laughed so loud that all the students around heard him.

"You're a little swaggerer Theophile. Are you seriously defying me ?"

"Hell yes."

Not that far ago, you were begging me just to have the right to suck my cock. You'll regret this overconfidence. Liam had faced a hunter way more dangerous than Theo. He survived to this Raphaël dude, he can beat a fucking swimteam captain like you too.

"You don't ask what's my plan ?" wondered the law student.

"Sorry but... since you're not a real opponent, I don't care." replied the Dean's grandson.

"Really ? Well, considering you're hunting him for more than one month now, I can only suppose you are rusty. Maybe the best hunter just failed. Maybe he isn't the best anymore."

"And maybe you are missing my dick so much you want it again ? Who knows ? I'm done with your bullshit for today. Bye."

The next morning came quickly. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey didn't sleep well, because he and his spy Nancy made some research about Theo. And they discovered something really interesting and important. Maybe he have a fucking advantage after all. After that, Nancy and him had had sex, and so he had slept only four or five hours. Anyway, he got some business to make. The faster, the better. The Dean's grandson met Steve Callagan, the head of the music club, in his room. He had just finished a breakfast apparently. There were one thing or two to know about the guy. He was a watcher hunter. He loved to see two chicks or one guy one girl have sex. No gay tho. Never understood why. Two guys, two dicks, it can be funny. And Steve had, like Theo, an official girlfriend, the lovely Bettany. Her name is a porn in itself. Anyway, they were cute together, except Bettany was a chubby chaser and fattened the musician quite a bit. There're more people liking meaty partner than you would say at the first sigh. Myself included some time.

"You want something Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey ?" asked Steve when they were alone.

"I heard you had two tickets for this famous movie saturday. I want them." he commanded. "A porn tape in exchange ? I have recorded a lot of stuff during the holidays, including a sexy delivery girl. Exactly your taste."

"I'm sorry dude but... Matthew Davos from the swimteam already gave me a video of himself and this black runner chick. I took it against a concert ticket. And now Betty really wants to see the movie."

For god sake. Who care about a stupid black girl who looks like an elephant and a little thief ?

"Give me those ticket or I swear to god I'm going to find Bettany straight away and I'll fuck her so hard that she'll be unable to walk for a week. Then I'll be back there and you'll suck my fuckin' dick until you couldn't blow in this stupid tuba of yours. Okay ?"

And Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey got the tickets.

Liam Saturday Januray 12

When he finished his lenghts at the pool, the chestnut lad took a deep breath and went to see Colton. Exams were over and this afternoon, Dami invited him to see a movie. He hadn't much time to discuss with his friend, but he intented to help him as much as possible. But I hope he'll not talk about my past... Colton was currently stretching. Normally, Christmas was the perfect time to be slacking a bit. (Liam did. He had lost a bit of definition but he was working out again now). (It might be the reason why all those girls were accosting him at the gym or the pool). (But he always tried to avoid them, because he suspected the witch to be among the crowd). Anyway, Colton as for him was as handsome as ever. Well-built, not too strong, not too thin. He hadn't the single bit of fat on him. (To Liam, it was a lost, but whatever).

"Hey buddy." started the chestnut lad. "How went your exams ?"

"Good I think." replied his friend. "But I wasn't as focused as I wanted to."

"Why that ?"

Liam decided to play it dumb. It was better than talking about Leila who had threatened him. (She was the evil twin, obviously).

"Barbara cheated on me, and then she left me." Colton confessed with sadness. "She said it was better this way."

Of course, the dark-haired lad was too diplomat to say something mean. He had a sweet tone, even when he announced bad news. Liam suspected him to be half teddy bear. (Teddies Bears were alive, yes, and sometimes they sent a child in the human's world). Anyway, the lad was disgressing. He was here to help his friend.

"Maybe I can do something about it ?" he asked. "Wait, did you said she cheated on you ?"

(Yeah, it took a long time before Liam realised what it meant).

"She didn't say with who, but I'm guessing someone important at the university, cuz right after, she became the future head of the student union. When this girl, Summer, will finish her mandate, they will present Barbara as their favourite candidate. Anyway, I think we can't do much about this. I'm going to swim now, see you later."

Well, she liked to be the class delegate in highschool after all... Liam had suddenly an idea. He could probably know who was the guy in question. He just had to ask Dami. (He was pretty sure this one was important for the university). (He once had said something about the Dean, but Liam didn't remenber well). And then, maybe he could work on something.

Speaking of the devil, he met Dami on the early afternoon for a movie. His blond friend carried with him a bag filled with something, but he didn't say what. They entered in the theater and took their sit.

"You'll see, it's a good movie." assured Dami. "And there, I cooked this. Tell me if you like it."

He offered a cake. Two month ago, Liam would have declined. (At least try, because his friend had some authority). But now, he glady ate it. The film went like this. It really was good. And the chestnut lad consumed everything Dami gave him. He just didn't realised how much it was. There were all kind of pastries, crusty and spongy, with cream, jam or chocolate. In Liam mind, they were both eating peacefully. Yet, at some point he discreetly slipped a hand beneath his shirt and rubbed his belly. He was rather bloated. (It didn't stop him to eat whatever Dami offered tho). Eventually, he realised his tum was very swollen. Looks like I'm stuffed. I ate more than I thought. For a moment, Dami stopped. The movie was almost over when something happen. But Liam didn't realised it happen until the end. When he was about to stand up, he noticed his friend was holding his free hand. Oh.

"I asked you if it was fine." whispered the blond lad. "And you said nothing."

His eyes were showing a mix of excitment and cautiousness. Liam hesitated a second. What does this mean exactly ? Maybe Nate is right. Maybe Dami saw this as a date. But was it a problem ? Liam didn't know the answer at this question. He soflty took his hand off.

"Don't worry, I'm okay with it." he said. "Can you tell me something ?"

His friend frowned, but nodded.

"You probably know Barbara Henrion ? Is there a chance you know who slept with her and offered her a favor afterwards ?"

"She had sex with Javier Esposito, the vice-president of the student union." answered quickly Dami. "This one told me about this. But you know, they're all sleeping with each other in this union."

"Well thank you. And thank you for the movie and the snacks. You really are an awesome chef dude. I have to go to work now so... see you soon."

Liam then joined the night shift of Pasta's Place, as usual. The work happened to be a bit difficult with a full belly, but he managed to do well. Judy checked on him at least ten times. She said he must be careful at everytime of the night and the day. According to her, there was some guy who might corrupt him. (Liam supposed she was referring to some minions sent by the forces of chaos). Anyway, before going to bed, the lad called Nate. Luckily, this one wasn't partying this time, just chillin' at his place. They rapidly talked about Dami, obviously.

"To my opinion, you should give it a try." suggested his bestfriend. "I mean, you deserve a bit of happiness after all what happened. And I think you're ready now, you got enough time since your ex. Plus Damian sounds cool."

"I don't know man. Maybe I'll ruin everything like last time. I don't feel confident yet..."

"Dude, you were in highschool, it was your very first relationship with another boy and he had a lot of issue on his own." reminded Nate. "Damian is two years older than you. He's certainly more mature. It'll be different. It has to be."

Liam nodded slowly. As always, his soulmate was right. But he needed to go slowly. I mean, I don't know Dami that much after all... I must take my time.

"I bet you nodded." whispered Nate. "You know I can't see you through the phone right ?"

Rebecca Monday January 14 LAST PART

She never thought things would change like this, in such a short amount of time. Emilio didn't show up ever again. Of course, she still met him during the University's training. But he avoided her. Bob noticed, but said nothing. In fact, there was one thing her coach didn't know. Rebecca was now dating Matthew. Like Chelsea. They were both with him. It's a nonsense but I don't know. I feel good with him. He was kind, way more than she thought. He also was protective. She felt at ease with him. And god know how supportive he was. When she had been dating Emilio, they were used to talk about running. But he had never encouraged her like Matt did. Chelsea and her were the best among the team, and he was proud of it. He didn't hide his love for both of them. And the weirdest thing ? Sex with the blond lad and Chelsea was awesome. Way different than everything she had try before. The man led the ride, and she was glad with it. I know it only has been six days since we started but... I wonder why I hated him in the first place. He had admitted he was jealous of her at first but it had evolved in feelings for her. So basically, Matthew had a crush and regretted what he had done so he decided to help her. And now they were dating, the three of them together. It was weird, but Rebecca wasn't disliking it.

This evening, during the swim training, she couldn't stop herself staring at her new boyfriend. His tight swimsuit highlighted his handsome body. She had learnt he was 182 cm (6'0") for quite a chunky 77 kg (170 lbs). He was muscular but thick, and she loved it. Liam and Theo might be the only in the pool who could rivalise, despite being both thinner.

"You're looking at Matt with a lot of admiration." pointed out Laura. "Maybe you wanna told me somethin' ?"

"Not really. I was just watching."

"Yeah, watching eh." laughed the petite blonde. "You know, since you broke up with Emilio, you can find another man but... Matthew is with Chelsea. And not your type to be honest. A bit too cocky I think."

"You must be right."

It was what she had thought at the beginning of the year. But he saved her from Emilio. And she liked his confidence eventually. He wasn't a bad guy. Laura continued :

"Anyway, I have another topic to talk about... Promise me you won't be mad."

"Who can against you ? You're so lovely."

"Thanks for that. So... I know things aren't fine between Nick and you. And at first, I thought it was none of my business but... I can stand it anymore. I think you're wrong, since the very outset. I mean, he helped you on several occasion, and yeah, he's a smart aleck, but he was always there for you. And you, what did you do exactly ?"

Rebecca opened her mouth but... nothing came out. She had no good excuse. I was just too proud to admit I was wrong. Their argument started when she had tried to change him. I did that in order to make him conform to my standards. It's not fair.

"You're right." she admitted. "The blame is on me. But what should I do now ? Our friendship is completely over. And you know what ?"

"Hum ?"

"I don't care anymore. Before, when I dated Emilio, I felt guilty but not anymore. I think I understood how works the college society."

"Really ?"

"Hunt, or be hunted, as simple as that." Rebecca affirmed. "I found a pack, and now, I'm ready to be on the hunter side. Nick isn't my concern anymore."

To be continued

And so here we are...

Congratulations Rebecca, you’re now a hunter ! She’s free from Emilio and she found something meaningful for her. Let’s say she’s perfectly fitting in the College Society now ;)

As for Liam well, seems like feeding him was the good choice ! What can make him happier than a full tummy I wonder ? But Damian can still screw this up for sure... And the war with Theo only begins !

Like last time, The College Society will be on hiatus for two or three weeks. Chapter 3 will be longer, and we’ll have a new character POV !

In the meantime, you can read To the Perfection, my other weight gain story !

[aq2003]

FULL ENDGAME REVIEW

6.5/10 was ok but could’ve been a lot better in my opinion and by a lot better i mean

tony should’ve lived

-the russos are war criminals for what they did to tony alone. he had a family to go back to, JUST like clint. but i guess self sacrifice is cool, right?

-ever since iron man 3, tony’s story has essentially a dark twist to the “great power great responsibility” trope: the hero internalizes the motivating phrase (“don’t waste your life”), and let it interfere with their ability to take care of themself/open up to others. it started strong in iron man 3, got undermined in aou, got slightly more prevalent in the context of civil war, FINALLY got foreshadowed in infinity war. his arc was ultimately about letting other people HELP him with the responsibility he feels like he needs to carry 

-until endgame threw it under the bus again. in an objectively cool way, yeah, but it still got thrown under the bus and i’m mad

-so now tony stark’s story is ultimately a tragedy. and i fucking hate it, man. he had happiness (but not really, because peter’s not there) for 5 years and that got snatched away from him too! he underwent so much trauma since his goddamn origin story and he had a few moments of peace, sure, but he died before he could fully reunite with his loved ones. and it SUCKS. 

-god this is . this is like. if obi-wan kenobi went through All That but got really close to luke before he died and also never got any closure with anakin as a force ghost

-the russos have said, like outright, that thanos was a symbol of what tony’s been fearing of since 2012, the being that symbolized the root of his anxiety and ptsd. so what does tony do to defeat it? uhhh idk he dies i guess. but it’s okay! he can finally rest now!

-really great message there for the kids, right? 

-also there was a whole sequence about him talking to his dad about not abandoning his kid and being there for her. but now he CAN’T be there for morgan because tony stark is fucking gone and dead and i can’t fucking handle this he deserves so much better

-also also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ but he totally got nerfed during his fight scenes

thor shouldn’t have been played off as a joke

-my whole theater laughed at him being . fat. and i was SUPER SUPER SUPER uncomfy the entire time

-he has a PANIC ATTACK and people LAUGHED i mean way to treat more of your mentally ill characters like shit, russos! sure! just devaluate thor’s suffering by saying “oh he’s fat so it’s funny now! hehe!” FUCK you

-i mean, yikes, i can’t believe we went from iron man 3 (where mental illness is one of the major problems the protagonist clearly struggles with, where tony’s panic attacks are disturbingly real and in no way funny) to THIS SHIT

-don’t even get me STARTED on his arc. like from thor 1 to dark world it’s about putting aside his arrogance for the good of his people. for ragnarok it’s finally stepping up and finding his powers while taking up the responsibility as king. in infinity war i was able to turn a blind eye to it, but it’s so prevalent in endgame how little the russos care about thor’s journey in his movies

-in the end he passes off the responsibility he took up in ragnarok to val and just straight up fucked off to space. like what the hell, man?

-ALSO . loki said the sun would shine on them again but the sun DIDN’T fucking shine on them and i feel robbed. i feel like the russos broke into my home and stole something important.

-the brodinsons deserve better.

-how can taika even be there, like physically. i mean. the thor from his movie got entirely retconned

-also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ again but. but like tony he was so 100% nerfed especially during the fight against thanos HOW did thanos even touch stormbreaker aka the weapon made to kill him like what

-i hate to put this all on james gunn but he’s GOTTA fix the crimes committed in endgame against the guardians and thor

steve’s entire character arc shouldn’t have been undermined

-one of his defining character traits is that he won’t stand by and let bad things happen when he can prevent it

-if you could describe steve rogers THAT’S what you would say about him. 

-it’s like tony being smart. or thor being powerful. steve is just Like That

-so why did he go back in time when two full movies were dedicated to him adapting to the future

-idk it doesn’t really make sense to me

-i don’t actually have much to say about steve, i’m not as attached to his character as tony and thor but it still rubs me the wrong way. maybe it makes more sense to steve stans but from what i’ve seen they’re PISSED even though out of the trio he got the most time to shine in battle lmao

also

-the time travel fuckery was. hmmm

-nat wasn’t there for the admittedly cheesy but still sort of nice girl-power shot

-wong did nothing until the final battle. like him surviving the snap did nothing to impact the story

-why was okoye even on the poster? she should’ve gotten a bigger role imo

-WHAT was dr strange even doing holding back the water

-my brother (who watched the movie with me) thought that the lgbt rep in the movie was “america’s ass” rather than the gay russo in steve’s support group, which just goes to show that the lgbt rep is SO small and the media should really stop hyping it up. not really salt towards the movie itself but it’s still salt

-fortnite

general saltiness out of the way, i’m going to list what i did like about the movie

-those posts going around about how knowing the spoilers take away from the movie are actually really, really wrong. i went in knowing more than half the plot including who lives and dies and i still found it entertaining, to say the least. the movie had a lot of effort put into making it and it really shows. if you ignore the parts you don’t like, you can actually kick back and have a relatively good time

-also the action was really, really good. throughout the entire movie. it’s an avengers film, so the action has to be good, but the fights were still super awesome and a lot were actually a cut above the rest of the mcu (especially the melee fights)

-the final battle was amazing. up until the end, i was on the edge of my seat, because even though it’s another “big final battle against an army of cgi monsters” i actually really really liked it. pretty much everything was perfect about it, and it was so fun to watch the theater go ham whenever a hero did something badass.

-the score. god, the score. alan silvestri did so good with calling back motifs from other solo mcu movies (something marvel should’ve been doing the entire time). ant man’s theme after scott pops out of the quantum realm, captain america’s march when tony hands the shield back to steve, the reprise of “even for you” from infinity war during clint and nat’s mission to vormir, captain marvel’s theme when she blows up thanos’ ship? beautiful

-the actors did a superb job with everything they were given (which probably wasn’t that much). since the russos were paranoid about spoilers apparently no one knew who they were talking to which sucked? because the marvel cast is pretty good at improv lines. but the actors still did a REALLY good job despite this (and really do carry the movie). i felt in my BONES tony’s frustration and anger at steve during the wheelchair scene, thor’s pain and self-loathing when he reunited with frigga, and peter’s DESPAIR when he watched tony die (i will never be okay ever)

-the callbacks to previous mcu movies were fanservice, yeah, but it was the GOOD kind of fanservice in that it was really really cool and served the fans. it’s a great way for the last movie in the infinity saga to end, by revisiting some of the iconic places it touched on before

-tony and nebula! they were only together for the first scene of the movie but the scene with paper football was really soft and nice 

-the civil war conflict was glossed over save for that one scene of tony going the fuck off on steve and i couldn’t be more grateful

-MORGAN STARK. god if i had the capacity to cry i’d be sobbing through writing this entire post. morgan and her soft dad made my heart MELT into pieces i love them 3000

-they still deserved better though

-scott. like in general. he was one of the highlights of the movie. his reunion with cassie was :’)

-carol’s haircut

-by the way a lot of people complained about her makeup in her first scene with the avengers shown in the trailers but it literally wasn’t a problem for any other carol scene in the movie (because that was the only scene in the entire runtime where she was wearing noticeable lipstick/eyeshadow or whatever)

-professor hulk. i actually didn’t expect to like him, but he made a lot of actually funny jokes and i liked his personality contrast with 2012 hulk. also he made scott tacos! he’s really wholesome and i’m willing to ignore the part where he dabbed

-the mark 85 is one of my favorite iron man suits now, even though it didn’t get a lot of screentime

-speaking of which it’s REALLY great how most of the time when tony saves the day it’s because of his smarts. it brings back the main theme of the character: tony stark, the human, plays ball with gods, aliens, and monsters just by being quick witted.

-the entire sequence of tony, steve, and scott getting the scepter and the tesseract was PURE gold. (it’s my favorite part of the movie honestly)

-tony: ok scott to create a distraction i need you to put my past self into cardiac arrest. \ scott: uhh. uhh ok dude?? \ tony: my self loathing is this strong

-rhodey and nebula! they were an awesome teamup and i really really liked their friendship/dynamic

-PEPPER IN RESCUE ARMOR. WE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT BUT IT WAS SO GOOD I LOVED IT HER ARMOR DESIGN WAS REAL GREAT

-tony reuniting with peter. i teared up. legit. i teared up.

-thanos: *headbutts carol* \ carol: *doesn’t even move an inch*

-wanda was so badass in her 10 second scene. i just thought it was really cool

-peter using instant kill mode

-tony using the gauntlet was badass. i hated it but it was SO amazing at the same time i wanted to cry and cheer at the same time so i ended up in a semi catatonic state for the rest of the day

-the little wreath with the first arc reactor, morgan craving cheeseburgers, tony’s last message.....;-;

-i love you 3000.....:((((((

-SAM GETTING TO BE CAP. (this was one of the best parts of the all-new all-different avengers comic) even though i still don’t like steve’s ending, i love that sam is going to take up the mantle (and i’m super excited to see the falcon winter soldier show now)

-the movie ended with the soundtrack of tony building the mark 1 solidifying that none of this would’ve happened without iron man. good thing endgame credits said that maybe tony stan lives do matter

-a rat is responsible for saving half the universe and i find that REALLY funny. my favorite theory is that the rat was loki the whole time and that doubles the hilarity

tldr: the movie had an ending that didn’t really fit the characters, but the rest of it was fun to watch: the action scenes were great, the interactions between the characters were mostly good, and it’s overall pretty entertaining as a film by itself. as a closing to the infinity saga it feels unsatisfying, but as a movie it’s enjoyable

[nonbinarysasquatch]

Avengers: Endgame. A wonderful, deeply moving but flawed film. Which feels like a summary of the MCU to date, literally and metaphorically.

I cried a lot while watching this film. Actually, I borderline sobbed at parts. I was kind of surprised. I really underestimated how emotionally affecting this film would be. It packs a wallop, especially in the first half.

One of the bits that hit me the hardest was Scott exploring San Francisco, asking the random kid what happened and seeing the grief on the kid’s face before he rides away on his bike. And Scott searching for Cassie’s name, only to see his own. When he finally reunited with her I was just wrecked. I really feel bad for everyone who slept on the Ant-Man films and didn’t get to fully appreciate that (and that’s before you get into the entire plot relying on information given to us in Ant-Man and the Wasp.)

I loved that the first half of the movie was so character-centric. Lots of good writing, good acting and giving the ending of Infinity War time to be felt.

The back half of the film… I admit I didn’t like the back half as much. There was nothing wrong with it. The time travel (aside from Vormir) was fun with lots of neat moments. The final battle was beyond epic but my brain kind of shuts off in big action scenes. But it still had some cool moments. And Tony’s death was heartbreaking. Pepper killed me.

All in all, I’d say I prefer it over Infinity War, largely on the strength of the first half. Weirdly, though, I think it’s also more flawed than Infinity War.

The flaws?:

White supremacist Hawkeye. People who love this character can’t catch a break lol. Listen, even if Hawkeye had been killing white people for five years I would still cry foul. Hey, Clint, the entire planet is grieving but they aren’t turning into serial killers over it. And they certainly aren’t making a specific choice to go into other countries and kill people of colour. Maybe you’ve got some other deep-seated problems there buddy.

And also: It should’ve been Hawkeye to die on Vormir. To be fair, I do I think Natasha dying works contextually. The problem is it contributes to the massive problem with women the franchise has had and literally duplicates the exact same fridging from the previous movie.

For me, the thing I hated most was the fat Thor jokes. Just because of how prominent they were for the entire movie. And it was made worse by the entire theater eating that up.

Other things of note:

I’m fine with Cap’s ending. Yeah, it sucks that we don’t live in the universe where he could end up with Sam or Bucky. But I love Peggy Carter and I think this was a good way to let Chris Evans move on without killing Cap. You can’t kill Steve and Tony in one film. That would be too much of a downer. And Tony dying does feel like a more natural ending to his arc whereas Steve dying would seem pretty much in line with who he has always been. He’s always been ready to lay down his life, even before he got the serum. Steve has always been about serving and duty, never considering having a life. So I think this is a nice ending for him and leaves room for them to eventually de-age him if Evans is ever interested in coming back.

I’m glad Sam got the shield. He’s a better choice than Bucky. Bucky needs a nap.

I’m glad Thanos realized he was wrong. Sure, he then decided he needed to go further but it was important to show the audience that his strategy was bad and only did harm.

It was interesting how much screen time Nebula got. Definitely felt like she got the most outside of the five main Avengers. Also surprised that Valkyrie got more screen time than I expected. Not a huge part but still, I thought she would just show up for the final battle as a cameo.

Yeah, it’s a really good movie. Flawed, but what isn’t.

[jkottke]

My Recent Media Diet, Spring 2019 Edition

I've been keeping track of every media thing I "consume", so here are quick reviews of some things I've read, seen, heard, and experienced in the past month and a half. For books, I'm currently reading Silk Roads and listening to the audiobook of Guns, Germs, and Steel, which are rhyming in interesting ways. Looking back, I haven't listened to any significant new music in months and months. What am I missing?

Turnton kitchen scissors. Ernest Wright very kindly sent me a pair of their kitchen scissors. I've posted so much about their story that I can't really be objective at this point no matter what, so I feel ok saying the craftsmanship of these scissors is flat out amazing. (A-)

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Never not entertaining. (A-)

Tag. Kinda fun but the real-life story was better. (C+)

Alita: Battle Angel. The big eyes worked. (B)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Liked this even more the second time around and I love reading and watching all the making-of stuff. (A-)

Cold War. Along with Roma, Spider-Verse, The Favourite, and If Beale Street Could Talk, this was one of the most beautifully shot films of 2018. Every frame a painting, indeed. (B+)

The Grinch. I wasn't expecting to sympathize so much with The Grinch here. The social safety net constructed by the upper middle class Whos totally failed the most vulnerable member of their society in a particularly heartless way. Those Whos kinda had it coming. (B)

Mortal Engines. Why was this panned so much? It wasn't great but it was entertaining...this and Alita felt similar to me. (B)

Leaving Neverland. I wrote some thoughts about this here. (A)

Why Is This Happening? The Uninhabitable Earth with David Wallace-Wells. Fascinating and scary interview of David Wallace-Wells about his new book, The Uninhabitable Earth. Weirdly, I felt almost hopeful at the end of it though. (A)

Captain Marvel. I liked Brie Larson in this role very much. Looking forward to seeing more in Avengers: Endgame. (B+)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Great movie. Very few films have matched the inventiveness of its action sequences since it came out. (A)

Apollo 11. The nearest IMAX theater is more than a 3-hour drive from where I live, so I had to watch this in a tiny theater with what sounded like a single speaker located at the front of the room. This greatly diminished the intended effect of the pristine 65mm footage. (B)

Living more than a 3-hour drive from the nearest IMAX theater. (F)

The History of English Podcast. This was recommended to me by a reader because of this post. I listened to a pair of episodes about surnames: What's In a Name? and Trade Names. Super interesting stuff. (A-)

Kohler 10282-AK-CP shower head. My shower head sucked, I replaced it with this one, and now my shower head doesn't suck anymore. (B+)

Salt Fat Acid Heat. The Salt episode intensified my desire to go to Japan. (B+)

Aquaman. Not as good as Wonder Woman, but way better than Justice League or any of the other recent DC movies. (B)

Cooking As an Art, With Jerry Saltz. This podcast episode is pretty uneven in spots, but when Chang just lets Saltz talk, it's a goldmine of quotable ideas. "Pleasure is an important form of knowledge." (A-)

The Unknown Known. Late in the film, Donald Rumsfeld says to his interlocutor Errol Morris: "I think you're probably, Errol, chasing the wrong rabbit here." Morris got a bit unlucky here in his choice of subject -- by the end of the movie, we don't know anything more about Rumsfeld than when we started. (C+)

Chef's Table, Enrique Olvera. Oh man, I can't wait to go to Pujol next week. (A-)

Kindle Paperwhite. I upgraded from my old Paperwhite. I like the flat screen, that it's lighter, and the waterproofing is going to come in handy, but the speed and screen quality are pretty much exactly the same. Are e-ink interfaces already as sharp & responsive as they are ever going to be? (A)

Bumblebee. Entertaining, but I still have a problem with the Transformers movies because the robots are so overly detailed that it's hard to know where to look when they're on-screen. They should be more abstract and iconic (a la Scott McCloud's Big Triangle in Understanding Comics). (B+)

Emily Wilson on Translations and Language. Having not read multiple translations of Homer, some of this was over my head, but the rest was really interesting. (A-)

Generative.fm. Been listening to this while working more or less constantly for the past week, mostly the "Otherness" and "Meditation" tracks. (A-)

Past installments of my media diet are available here.

[dancerdiaries]

Review of my dance major experience

I graduated from college a couple weeks ago, so here I am, offering my opinions on the dance program at the school I chose. I’m choosing to keep the school anonymous. If you are a high school student looking for a school with a good dance program and you choose to take my review into account, feel free to message me and I’ll give you the name of the school so you can apply or avoid it as you choose. Also, I hope you find my comments useful.

Overall, I give my university’s BALLET area a 3/10. My explanation of that score is pretty lengthy, so I put it under a “read more” for tidiness’ sake.

This is a review of the ballet area only, since that was my emphasis. I didn’t interact much with the contemporary, folk, or ballroom areas, so I don’t have anything to say about them. Also, this is just from my personal experience and is in no way a completely accurate assessment. But I’m also not the only one from this school who has these opinions. Anyway, here goes.

GOOD POINTS:

It’s generally a positive atmosphere. The students and faculty are overall friendly and supportive (there were exceptions, of course). There isn’t an insanely competitive atmosphere, either--at least, not to the degree of other places I’ve heard stories about (razor blades in a rival’s pointe shoes...what kind of jerk does that?!?). No body shaming from the other students or from the teachers. That was pretty nice. No bullying, ever.

The education was pretty good. A lot of the students are brought up to a pre-professional, or even professional, technique level by the time they graduate. I’ve improved way more these past three years than I have in my whole life, probably.

The ballet area recently started giving students the chance to choreograph on one of their companies, complete with faculty feedback. The contemporary area did that ages ago, and I’m really glad the ballet area followed because the school really needed opportunities for ballet choreography. I’ve heard that a lot of dance programs don’t offer students opportunities to present their own work at all. I was pretty lucky.

BAD POINTS:

Oh, boy. I have a lot to say.

This university markets itself as an all-inclusive, positive, “we don’t give up on anyone,” “everyone belongs” kind of place. So I was a little disappointed when that wasn’t the case in the ballet area.

My biggest problem with the ballet area is that the favoritism is insane. The faculty pretends it doesn’t exist, but I always got the vibe from them that a student is only worth teaching if the student is already an amazing dancer. If you aren’t perfect, you aren’t worth their time. The top ballet level/company (same thing--the top level is their top company) gets all sorts of special privileges. First, the teachers help them reach a professional level and help them find jobs and stuff like that. They don’t do that for anyone else. Those that start the dance major in the lower levels don’t get the help they need to succeed. Which is stupid, because isn’t that the professor’s job? To help ALL of their students prepare for the professional world?

These top dancers also get probably 90% of all the performing opportunities the ballet area offers. They go on tour, they get their own on-campus show in the big, super-nice theater, they get to perform in the lower-level company’s show (like excuse you. This is our time to shine. You get plenty of times to shine of your own. Go away), they get to be in faculty works, dance films, photoshoots, promotional videos, etc. etc.

Guess what the other dancers get? Nothing. Nada. Unless you end up in a friend’s senior project. Or if you manage to get on the lower-level company, which is hard, as I’ll explain later.

These top dancers get to break the dress code!!! They’re that special!! (Well, ok, they don’t get to break it much. You can wear lower-than-usually-allowed backs, but heaven forbid your leotard straps are thinner than an inch.)

No wonder these dancers are snobs. The teachers spoil them rotten.

My second-biggest peeve is that it’s nearly impossible to get onto said top company. The top company tends to have the same members year after year. Seriously, the cast didn’t change much at all until this past year, and that was because a lot of people graduated. Basically, auditions for this company are just a formality. The directors already have their dancers picked. Why these dancers even show up to the audition is a mystery, because they’re already guaranteed a spot (I think. That’s what it seems like). Heck, this past year, they picked someone for the company who wasn’t even going to the school yet.

This means that each year, there are only four or five open slots. And generally, unless someone really good comes along, they tend to pick their new members exclusively from the lower company. Although I think they’re trying to get more freshmen into their ranks recently, which is nice. Unless you’re not a freshman or not on the lower-level company. Because then you have no chance at all.

The lower-level company is a bit better. Only about a third of the company is repeat members. But still, the directors really like to pick people they’ve worked with before.

So basically, fifty dancers show up to audition for maybe--maybe--fifteen available company spots, despite there being about 30-40-ish (depending on the repertoire) company spots that exist. This means many dancers get turned away every year they try out.

Which sucks if you consider the fact that you need to be on a performing company to graduate in the dance program. That’s what happened to me. I couldn’t get my performing credits until my last semester, when I finally got onto the lower-level company--which, BTW, only happened because only 13 people showed up to the audition (because this was the first time this company was available in the spring semester and no one knew about it), and so by default everyone got in.

(Well, senior projects and faculty works give you performing credits, too, but as I said, only the best dancers are picked for faculty works. So basically, you better hope you have friends who are seniors.)

I have a suspicion that the directors choose company members based on body type in addition to technique, despite claiming not to. All the top company members look the same: long limbs, skinny bodies, few or no curves. Again, the lower company is better--there’s a little more diversity in body types--but all of their repeat members I’ve known have ballet bodies. I don’t know if this is, in fact, from directors’ biases, or if that body type is a mechanical advantage that gives those dancers better technique.

Also, all the top-company dancers have prettier faces. Kind of a small detail, and could be a coincidence, but it’s a suspicious detail nonetheless.

That’s dangerous. That can be really dangerous, and I came to understand that firsthand. The last two times I auditioned before I finally was accepted onto a company, I was at the right technical level and was still rejected. I’d also failed big-time at a summer workshop and competition the summer before the second audition while all the thin, pretty girls in my study abroad group won scholarships. So after that second audition, I began to worry that I wasn’t being picked because I was fat, or ugly, or both. For the first time in my life, I started skipping meals and counting calories and wearing makeup. I’m not usually worried about my looks. And if I got super insecure about my body, then other girls who do care about how they look are at a much higher risk of eating disorders because of the ballet area’s biases. And that’s not the kind of problem I was expecting to see at an “all-inclusive, everyone belongs” type of school. I was disappointed, and angry. The school told me they were better than that.

So yeah, 3/10. The education is decent, but it’s even better if you’re a good dancer to begin with. It’s a better atmosphere than most schools, but it’s still pretty political. And I’m pretty ticked that the university lied to me about their values.

[ekata1]

Fitness for Men Over 40

Part 1

This video and written series is for men over 40.  This is going to be a 4 part series where I talk about my recommended approach to living a balanced, healthy life after 40.  These recommendations are partially gleaned from my professional experience as a professor and professional in the fitness industry for over 35 years but also based on my practical experience as a 58 year old man who has tried everything under the sun!

First, let me share some of my professional qualifications.  I have been a professor at UCLA for 25 years in the department of Theater, Film and Television.  I teach eastern philosophy, exercise science and combat for stage and film.  I teach classes that provide physical training for our performers and train them how to take care of their minds and bodies during a difficult transitional period in their lives.  I also teach grad and undergrad students multifaceted approaches for maintaining longevity and good health for the long term.  I hold certifications from NASM, ACSM and am a certified mindfulness facilitator for UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center.  I was also rated by Men’s Journal magazine as one of the top 100 trainers in America and top 5 in Los Angeles.

In martial arts I’m an 8th degree black belt, hold 7 other black belts and am a senior instructor in Bruce Lee’s Jeet Kune Do.  I was inducted into the US Martial Arts Hall of Fame in 2010.  

Ok – there’s that.  Now on to the more relevant portion of the discussion.  While academic knowledge is valuable, it’s not the end all, be all.  Ask anyone who has gone to a therapist who can’t get their own life together.  You have to walk the talk.  It’s not enough just to know about it.  I can’t tell you how many fat, unhealthy JKD instructors I’ve seen out there telling everyone how to be a blazing ball of flaming fury while they can barely get off the couch to get the potato chips.  

I grew up in Kentucky.  And as you would expect, we ate a solid southern diet.  I was raised on fried chicken, steak, hamburger, mashed potatoes and gravy, grits, hush puppies and the more fried the better.  And oh yeah, there was a small pile of over cooked vegetables over on the corner of the plate.  I don’t blame my mom at all.  She did what she could to feed us in a healthy way – but my dad and I wouldn’t eat it.

I also grew up on a solid diet of drugs and whiskey.  I became a drug addict and full blown alcoholic by the time I was 13.  My life was filled with violence, rage and self-destruction.  Again, this was through no fault of my parents, just my own karma and choices.  I also chain-smoked 3 packs of Marlboro Reds a day from the age 12 to 22.  After a long journey with addiction, by the grace of God I sobered up when I was 21.  That’s a whole other story.  But the reason it bears relevance to our discussion about being fit after 40 is because I’m very familiar with bad habits and the mindstate associated with them.

I was an athlete from a young age.  In team sports I played football and basketball mostly and started martial arts when I was quite young – around 11 I think because I wanted to be a tough guy.  I was hanging out around drug dealers and addicts and wanted to handle myself.

So here’s how all of this wraps into our fitness discussion.  Because I played sports and practiced martial arts – and I was young, I was able to get away with eating anything I wanted up until I hit my late 30’s.  When I met my wife, you know her as Sifu JoAnn – she would take me to restaurants that would serve lovely, healthy greens and vegetarian/vegan food and I thought it was the biggest joke on the planet.  I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to eat this garbage that you could suck off the bottom of a creek bed.  

In my late 30’s I was still fighting competitively in Muay Thai mostly.  But at that time I started to develop a severe cardiac arrhythmia.  I would train and it felt like a mule kicked me in the chest.  The sensations were very similar to a heart attack – radiating pain down the left arm, shortness of breath, an elephant sitting on your chest, light-headedness, pain in my chest.  I was diagnosed with a severe case of atrial fibrillation.  

Over a 20 year period I did everything imaginable to treat the condition.  I had been practicing qigong (Taoist energy based meditation) for some time and also tried external qigong, acupuncture, ayurveda, Chinese herbs, Reki, Chakra cleansing and balancing, Tibetan medicine and even had a whole monastery of monks in India reciting healing mantras for me.

From a western perspective I tried various anti-arrhythmic medications and had 5 cardiac ablations where they burned sections of my left atrium attempting to cauterize the area in my heart that was creating the problem.  Finally in 2018 on the 5th attempt, it worked.

I bring all of this up to illustrate a point.  None of us have the perfect circumstances laid before us to ensure success.  The path to good health for some is very easy.  For others, it is fraught with difficulty, setbacks and disappointments.  

My health was great – until I almost destroyed myself with drugs, then got old enough to where I wasn’t working out 3 hours a day and burning off the garbage I was putting into my body – and then biology took over and dealt me a hand that couldn’t be fixed.  

So how am I a 58 year old man who can move better than most 20 year olds?  How am I strong, calm and full of energy?  I’ve still got a few pounds around the middle that need to come off – but overall I’m a very healthy guy – mentally, physically and spiritually.

But it wasn’t always this way.  I was not the model of good health.  You know those guys you see on the facebook ads who are shredded and pitching some program?  – Those guys who never drank or smoked and never had a physical ailment?  Well that wasn’t me.  And I’ll wager it’s not the majority of guys who are out there.

I’ll wager that most guys over 40 who are struggling with maintaining good health work a lot of hours, have family obligations, might have a few too many beers and eat too many Big Macs.  I’ll bet they are too fried to go to the gym after work and try 2 or 3 times a year to make it in the morning, but get too tired to keep it up.  I’ll bet they end up working out once or twice a week and it’s just not enough to offset stress, poor eating habits and lack of time.

So what’s the solution?  That’s what this series is about.  Now – I’m going to try to provide an overview of an approach I’ve developed over the years that is based on a combination of sound scientific guidelines and eastern philosophical principles.

Next week I’m going to provide an overview of the 3 steps necessary for maintaining balanced health.  And I’m going to speak more in depth about the first step.  I hope you have a great week and I’ll look forward to seeing you next time!

Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/2wxLCLh08EA

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