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ambivalentangst · 6 years

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Cry and Scream, Soldier

do you guys ever have those people, especially the ones you only have online, that make your day like,, a solid 308% better?? Always? Because same and I LOVE ONE OF MINE TO PIECES, so I had to make something for their birthday. Without naming names, thanks for putting up with my bullshit for almost three years now—this one’s for you

tw: emotional trauma, self hatred, and descriptions of violence

Lance has always had a lot of nervous energy, but ever since that last mission gone wrong, he hasn’t let it out. There’s no room for that, and so his fingers remain still on the table where before he’d have all but worn a hole through the smooth surface with his tapping. His feet stay firmly on the ground, his lip remains free from teeth that want to nip at it.

Lance stares at the ceiling of the common room and does not move.

He supposes it’s not all bad, the tension building within him like a rubber band slowly being stretched too taut. He knows that he used to put Pidge on edge in the form of a lingering distraction on the outskirts of her brilliant mind. He hopes the lack of fidgeting is easier for her than for Lance. Every glance at the shine of his new fingers makes his stomach clench painfully, and he cannot allow himself to think about it.

He’s sweaty, just come back from training. He’s never liked training all that much, but he understands it to be necessary. Lance can feel the lecherous eyes of his own incompetence boring holes into his back, anyhow. He feels it splash against his calves, bite at his heels. He craves anything that means he won’t be left behind, so he’s forced himself to wrap the hideous amalgamations he calls hands around the handle of his sword, to press over the triggers of his rifles. Lance, at meals where everyone looks at him like he’s made of glass, jokes about his grip being easier with the lack of sweat.

Lance blinks at the sound of footsteps from down the hall. He’s found routine in that, the smile that hurts his cheeks but one he wears anyway when his teammates are around. His hand digs into his pocket, fumbling for the orange screen he pretends to be enamored with. In truth, sometimes Lance looks back on all the pictures he’s taken with the aliens they’ve saved and hopes in some private part of him that they’ll still appreciate him the same way despite everything.

Keith walks in and Lance greets him cheerfully. “Hey, mullet,” he tells him and stretches exaggeratedly in a practiced motion.

Keith’s acknowledging nod is jerky and over with quickly. “Lance.” Lance has always been a good actor, and he is as effervescent as ever as he tucks his hands under his thighs. “Coran mentioned that you’ve been logging a lot more hours on the training deck recently. You’re still,” Keith fumbles, and Lance thinks about how painfully obvious it is that he’s still uncertain of what to do with the mantle of a leader, “okay, right? Eating and sleeping and everything?”

Lance laughs, though is careful to make sure the sound doesn’t come off as mocking. Keith is still stumbling to find his footing on unfamiliar terrain, and Lance refuses to be the one to shove him off balance. “Yeah, don’t worry about me, Keithy-boy. I’m fine. Peachy. Dandy. Right as rain. The list goes on.” Lance will not drag Keith down with him into his muddled mind and scream ridden slumbers, even at his own expense. He is fine, will make himself fine for their new leader who is still mourning his lost brother, though nothing is final yet. He won’t let Keith blame himself, and so he smiles.

“Okay,” Keith tells him awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. “It’s just, you know, you didn’t do that before. And I thought it was weird. So I’m checking on you.” Keith’s efforts to care are comforting and make the curve of Lance’s scarred lips more genuine. They aren’t awful. They didn’t have to be remade, and as it is, the svelte lines crossing them are only visible under a bright light, a little white shine on his mouth that isn’t quite natural.

Lance nods in understanding, though doesn’t wave him off. His hands are much better off shoved into his pockets or smothered under his flight suit. “That’s good.” The phrase isn’t quite right, and Lance tries again. Tries to play at normality, like he hasn’t had claws pierce the mouth he can never seem to stop running. “It’s good to see you. How’s being leader treating you?” Lance is good at deflecting, just as he is good at being casual about everything else. He steers conversations with invisible suggestions and hints at matters he never directly brings up.

Keith’s mouth pinches and Lance is only more certain that he made the right choice when he sacrificed himself for him all those weeks ago. Keith is strong and fierce and everything Lance longs to be. He could never withstand his absence. “It’s hard,” Keith whispers after a moment of silence, almost ashamedly. Anger at whatever has made Keith embarrassed to show that kind of weakness builds to the cusp of a boil in Lance’s stomach. “Shiro was so much better at this, at everything. He knew everyone, how to be sure that we’re safe and given the support we need and I’m just scrambling to keep up with it all. There’s always another battle and sometimes I just want a break. Shiro never had to take a break. He was fine, but he’s better and I’m not. I’m just a kid.”

Keith’s voice cracks and Lance motions for him to sit. He doesn’t touch him—not anymore, not with his mechanic joints that never move as much as flesh and bone once did—but he does draw a blanket around his shoulders. “You don’t have to be Shiro. We’re not expecting you to be. When you became leader we took you as Keith, and that’s all we want. We all need a break. It’s okay to take one and to not be able to handle it all to start with. It’s,” Lance pauses because he knows all too well just how futile the fight they’ve adopted is. He thinks of white masks and twitching fingers before he can continue. “It’s not something you can take on alone. We’re here to make sure you don’t have to.”

Keith nods and Lance takes note of the way he tugs the fabric down a little more snugly. “Thanks, Lance. I’m, God, I’m so sorry for putting this on you, especially after I got you—”

His voice catches, and Lance shakes his head quickly as he cuts him off. “Nope! Nopity nope, not your fault. I don’t want to hear it. I made the sacrifice play, got my ass handed to me, and now I’m back home gearing up to return the favor. Nothing Lancey-Lance can’t handle.” He smiles brighter, wider, as though that light will cancel out the darkness blurring features but not the laughs the Galra made as they mutilated him slowly, carefully.

Keith’s face contorts now, looking angry. “They’re gonna’ pay for what they did to you, Lance,” he snarls. Lance ignores the jump of his heart at the familiarity of the sound. He goes to deflect—always avoiding anything that isn’t everybody else—but Keith isn’t done. “Your hands, your legs. They’ll regret it all.” Lance wants to tell Keith to stop, that he hates the mention of his defects and the pain. His kneecaps had been fixed, but Pidge and Hunk had had to get to work on crafting his new fingers. Lance has blocked out those first few days he spent going without. He’s never felt more pathetic than when Hunk spooned goo onto his tongue because neither hand had the ability to hold the utensil itself.

Keith is gathering speed now, vicious and furious, as he rants about what Lance and his tormentors deserve. Lance is able to handle it with bated breath until Keith says something about the fact that he missed all of Lance’s animation and chatter while the team tore themselves apart finding him. The shout builds unexpectedly, frantically from someplace terrified and twisted inside Lance. “Shut up! There’s no need for revenge because I’m okay and I don’t need to move like that anymore and everything is fine!”

This is not fine, not the tears building in Lance’s eyes, nor the suffocating tightness in his throat.

“I’m okay and everyone can just move on and stop worrying about every damn thing because I’m doing everything like they asked. I won’t tap or twist or talk back or anything anymore because my hands are disgusting enough as is—I don’t need any more alterations.” He spits the word like it’s poison, thinking of the druids and their cackling laughter as Lance howled in agony. “I’ll do everything like I’m supposed to and help everyone forget that I’m wrong now, so if everybody could shut up and let me that’d be great.” Lance pants, chest heaving while the world crashes down around him in memories and magenta.

Lance’s foot shakes.

A blade severs his pinky from its knuckle.

He forgets what they asked of him, alone in his cell while he wonders if it’s night or day. His knee knocks against the ground—Lance is always moving, always speaking, never still—and there goes his ring finger too.

Lance screams and screams and screams and tries to learn, but a lifetime of motion is not stopped so easily. When his hands have been stripped bare they move onto his knees. Those break and heal and break again in a hideous cycle.

Keith’s hands are shaking Lance’s shoulders and though he desperately wants an outlet, some form of release, he does nothing but meet Keith’s eyes while someone pulls at the string that is the only thing holding him together. Lance hears his voice through dim halls and lurking, yellow eyes, cutting through the acrid fear that has seized Lance. “Lance—Lance? Lance, come on, talk to me.”

Keith’s voice is frantic and Lance remembers his resolve to make being leader easier for him. He finds his voice, lost somewhere that Lance can’t place. “I’m fine, I’m fine,” he tells him and hopes Keith’s woeful lack of social aptitude will be enough to disguise the tremor in his voice. “It’s okay, look, I’m sorry for freaking out,” Lance has to pause to suck in air, though he does not remember doing anything that would leave him breathless, “don’t worry about it. Don’t tell the others.”

Lance hates this, the phantom touch of Keith’s hands holding his own. (He craves the contact, and clings to it like it’s his only anchor in a storm cleaving the ocean in two.) “I’m fine,” he murmurs desperately, even as somehow his head is pressing itself into the space between Keith’s neck and shoulder. The spot molds itself to Lance and it’s the warmest thing he’s felt since the smell of garlic and the salt of the sea was more than a memory. Later he’ll wonder how Keith felt—he’s always regarded touch like it’s more alien than the ship they’ve all made home—but all Lance can think in the moment is that he’s so, so grateful he’s there.

“I’m fine,” he says as he sobs and gets Keith’s shirt all wet while his fingers that are his own and somehow not fist in the fabric of it. “Leave. I know you’re busy. I don’t want to take up your time.” Keith’s arms are around him and they’re just as clumsy as he always is in times like these, not at all like the sure grip he maintains when he flies. Lance wants it, needs it.

“I’m fine,” he whispers and Keith doesn’t pretend to believe him, but he does stay. Lance is not fine, but he also cannot ask for anything more.

#keith #lance #langst #klance #klangst #ambivalentlangst #ambivalent gifts

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 6 years

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20 Reasons you should love Spider-Girl!

Happy May Day one and all. Since this day shares a name with a certain daughter of our friendly neighbourhood wall-crawler (and because this year marked her 20th anniversary) we’re going to list of 20 reasons you should love Spider-Girl!

No deep dive analysis I am afraid and these are in no particular order.

Without further adieu...

Longest running female Marvel hero with her own series

In a day and age when much discussion is devoted to female characters in leading roles Spider-Girl was something of a trail blazer, though she gets far too little credit for it.

Spider-Girl was (and still is to my understanding) the longest running female Marvel character to have her own solo-series; at least without any re-launches.

This feat is even more impressive considering Spider-Girl was an out-of-continuity series which usually do not sell as easily as titles within the mainstream 616 universe.

Her costume

When discussing Spider-Man’s costumes thought inevitably drifts to Spider-Man’s original red and blue outfit or his black and white one. However the third horse in the race is the 1996 costume created by Ben Reilly and thus lovingly nicknamed the ‘Spider-Ben’ outfit.

It is simply a brilliant and beautiful design succeeding in evoking something unique and yet distinctly ‘Spider-Man’.

Whilst anyone coming to the black costume completely cold and with no context could be forgiven for mistaking it for an entirely different character (as Ron Frenz did way back in the early 1980s), nobody could look at Mayday’s costume and not realize it has something to do with Spider-Man.

Shifting around elements of the classic costume Mayday’s outfit succeeds in maintaining a balance of primary colours (as the best superhero costumes do) and making her distinct from any artistic angle.

The costume also (according to superstar artist Sal Buscema) in fact works more effectively on Mayday’s feminine form than on the typical male superhero body build.

Her other costumes

The beauty of Spider-Man’s black costume lies in its simplicity. However this doesn’t mean it is above being redesigned and around 20 years after its debut one of the key architects in its introduction (Ron Frenz) did just that when he created a black costume for Mayday.

Much like her red and blue outfit, her own black costume succeeds in being unique but retaining most of the strong visual elements that made her Dad’s counterpart outfit a hit. Sleek, simple and using white/silver in moderation to create a stark contrast this is probably Mayday’s most out and out badass look.

But Mr. Frenz had one more trick up his sleeve. In 2015 as part of the Secret Wars mega event Marvel was involved with Ron Frenz took to redesigning Mayday’s costume once again. Her previous appearance in Spider-Verse had controversially seen her hang up her original costume in favour of wearing one of her father’s old suits.

Quite apart from how the costume simply didn’t work as effectively on the Mayday’s female figure compared to Spider-Man’s, fans didn’t take kindly to the change. Apparently neither did Mayday’s co-creators Tom DeFalco and Ron Frenz and so we wound up with yet another costume that combined elements of Peter Parker and Ben Reilly’s costumes together to create something once again familiar yet ultimately unique.

Whilst most Spider-Girl fans would’ve preferred a return to her classic look the costume unto itself has been acknowledged as a beautiful design.

A true all ages book

The majority of Spider-Girl’s run played out in a day and age when the content of comic books was going down an allegedly more ‘realistic and mature’ direction.

Titles such as the Ultimate Universe line, though paying lip service to being aimed at younger readers, were far from being for all ages. This was very much true of Marvel and DC as a whole throughout the 2000s and early 2010s.

Spider-Girl was a brave exception to this trend, actively engaging in sophisticated and at times challenging stories that nevertheless presented events in a way that tweens, teens and adults could enjoy.

Survival of cancellations

Infamously Spider-Girl lived under a near perennial threat of cancellation.

But Mayday’s fans were both too smart and too in love with her stories to let her go under.

Repeatedly they exploited their knowledge of the pre-ordering system LCSs use and saved Mayday’s series from cancellation.

No comic book has ever defied expectations and escaped cancellation more times than Spider-Girl.

Tackled tough and relevant subject matters in a frank, mature and realistic way without being grim dark

As I mentioned above, Spider-Girl was an all ages book but that didn’t mean it stayed away from tough subjects.

More than once Spider-Girl used mutants to discuss bigotry and prejudice.

Issue #26 of Mayday’s first series was a vital turning point for the narrative and it fundamentally hinged upon addressing issues related to suicide and the vicious cycle of abuse that can exist within families.

Multiple subplots touched upon women being physically and emotionally abused, to the point where the topic was brought up in the very issue where Mayday celebrated being the longest running female Marvel character. This is best exemplified in Spider-Girl #89 which has one of the most uncomfortably realistic pages in a comic book I have ever read.

Perhaps most audaciously one issue dedicated an entire scene to talking fairly frankly about the topic of abortion and making the characters’ stances on the issue very clear. What is perhaps even more impressive is that this was the second time that writer Tom DeFalco had dared touch that subject within a Spider title.

Regardless of what your personal views are on that or on any of the topics above, the sheer guts of the creative team to ‘go there’ must be admired and respected.

Consistent art that also has amazing action sequences!

Spider-Girl has been drawn by several artists across the years but the two most dominant ones are Pat Oliffe and Ron Frenz.

Whilst both artists evolved their styles across the run of the series there was enough relative consistency that the book rarely felt alienating to long time readers.

And it helped that both artists’ styles are just beautiful.

Oliffe leans more towards illustration and makes the characters seem realistic and yet fluid at the same time.

Frenz is more of a cartoonist and yet his art is not usually overly stylized and manages to retain the iconic features of each character he draws. His rendition of Mary Jane for example could never be mistaken for any given typically attractive redhead, it looks distinctly like Mary Jane evoking Romita Senior’s design for her.

Not only are each artist great in their character work but in their raw sequential storytelling craftsmanship. Nowhere is this more evident than in their well paced, cleverly choreographed and all round dynamic action sequences. At the time the stories were published (and even today) you’d have been hard pressed to find any action sequences in Marvel or DC that could rival those of Spider-Girl’s.

Continuity porn and fan service done right

Dan Slott’s run on Spider-Man has in the past been criticised of indulging in ‘continuity porn’. That is to say utilizing or referencing past continuity excessively to the point where it either takes you out of a story or outright undermines a story itself.

Spider-Girl demonstrates how continuity and fan service can be done well given the right context. There are in fact probably a million times more continuity references and examples of fan service within Spider-Girl’s whole run than in Slott’s collective Spider-Man bibliography.

The difference though is that the continuity Spider-Girl first and foremost concerns itself with involves organically building upon previously established events, whether it’s from its own series, Spider-Man’s wider history or Marvel lore in general.

Case in point Spider-Girl’s debut storyline hinges upon continuity surrounding the DeMatteis/Buscema run of Spectacular Spider-Man as it shows us Harry Osborn’s son following in his father and grandfather’s footsteps by becoming the new Green Goblin. He is even arrested in a scene that is framed near identically to a scene of Harry being arrested in Spectacular Spider-Man #189, whilst singing a variation of the 1960s Spider-Man theme song no less. Furthermore the climax of the issue takes place at the site of Gwen Stacy’s death, which happened in another Goblin story and Mayday’s first words as Spider-Girl are also her mother’s famous first words from ASM #42.

We are talking layers and layers of continuity here. But it never goes to the point of alienating readers, being obnoxious or hurting the stories.

The most significant and obvious ways in which the story (and any Spider-Girl story) utilizes continuity is the way continuity is supposed to function. That is to say it provides good world building and verisimilitude for the story and characters so that they can grow and react to events (and their repercussions) in much the same real people react to events in their lives day-to-day.

And the other references found in the story are subtle enough to not alienate new or casual fans, but still provide a fun nod for those in the know. Critically though for those in the know such references never grow obnoxious because they serve legitimate story purposes as well.

Every time in a Spider-Girl story where Mayday or Normie say, do or are simply drawn in a way that references old stories starring their family members it is touching upon the fundamental themes of family and legacy that define the series. It creates a subtext that spells out how they are the inheritors of their families’ respective legacies and have their ancestors’ traits within them.

And this is just me looking at one story.

You could make a whole series dedicated to just spotting various continuity Easter Eggs scattered throughout the series.

Revived the Hobgoblin

Remember back in 2010 when Dan Slott launched the Big Time era and there was a lot of chatter about the apparent return of the Hobgoblin?

The reason for the chatter was due to Hobgoblin being a major league bad guy during the iconic Roger Stern run of Amazing Spider-Man and his return marking the first time he’d be appearing in well over a decade.

Well guess what? Spider-Girl had Slott beat.

During the build up to her 100th issue the Hobgoblin was dusted off by DeFalco and Frenz (who used the character extensively during their own iconic run on ASM in the 1980s) and reintroduced in all his glory, proving to be one of Mayday’s most formidable foes.

For many Spider-Girl fans Hobgoblin was actually an even more effective villain for Mayday than he ever was for her father, owing much to the gap in their respective experience levels.

It might have happened outside the mainstream Marvel Universe but for many people at the time (and I’d bet many people who read through Big Time) this was the true return of the Hobgoblin.

And a more magnificent comeback you couldn’t have asked for.

The best symbiote character ever!

Symbiotes have traditionally been divisive within Spider-Man fandom, with seemingly few readers neutral on them. More often than not you either love them or you passionately despise them with the rage of a thousand burning suns.

Much of the latter point of view is owed to a perception (right or wrong as it may be) that the symbiotes are shallow and one note characters that emphasise style over substance.

To such detractors I present for you April Parker, a.k.a. Mayhem!

She is a clone of Mayday (or is she?) who also has DNA from the Venom symbiote granting her both the spider powers of Peter Parker and the symbiotes metamorphic abilities.

Putting aside the clever word play going on with her names, Mayhem has genuine substance to her character. She struggles with issues of identity desperately wanting to legitimize herself as the ‘real’ Spider-Girl as opposed to a clone and also make good as a superhero in her own right, but much like Venom (albeit far more successfully) her approach to crime fighting involves a desire to use lethal force in direct opposition to Mayday’s philosophies.

Her relationship with Mayday is beautiful in its complexity and contradictions. She views May as a usurper of the life that rightfully belongs to her and competes to outdo her in and out of their costumed lives; hence naming herself April, because it comes before May. But she nevertheless cares for May as a sister and can become violent when believing her to be threatened or harmed.

The dynamic between the two also ties into themes and relationships from the Clone Saga, as Mayhem is a combination of all three of Peter’s clones (Spidercide, Kaine and Ben Reilly) and his relationships with each of them has commonalities with Mayday’s and April’s relationship.

And on top of all that...she just looks drop dead cool.

Organic continuation of canon stories

Spider-Man is fundamentally about responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than family. This has been a hallmark of the series since literally Peter Parker’s first appearance.

Whilst Spider-Man’s series (when done right) emphasises family as part of the broader theme of responsibility, Spider-Girl flips the script and instead makes family and the related theme of legacy the primary point of the character and her adventures.

Thematically this makes Spider-Girl an organic continuation of Spider-Man’s story but more than this the nuts and bolts of the series and the universe built around it honestly feel totally believable as a continuation of the Marvel universe, or at least as it existed circa 1998.

All the child and teen heroes of the regular Marvel universe grew up to become the main heroes of Spider-Girl’s day and the surviving old guard adopted mentorship and commander roles within the superhero community.

As for Peter Parker and Mary Jane, if you took them circa 1998, gave them a baby and cut to 15 years later they’d be near identical to their Spider-Girl counterparts.

Various subplots within Spider-Girl also follow through on being an organic continuation of the Marvel universe of the later 1990s. One of her villains, the Black Tarantula, was last seen in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man as a young boy fleeing the influence of his father who wished to make him the new Black Tarantula. John Jameson and Ashley Kafka who were seen dating in the 1990s are shown as married in the world of Spider-Girl. Johnny Storm is the leader of the Fantastic Five which includes a grown up Franklin Richards. Normie Osborn becomes consumed by his family’s legacy of evil and becomes the Green Goblin, etc.

A robust rogue’s gallery

I admit it. Spider-Girl has neither the best nor the most original villains out there.

But I will say this...she at least has a rogue’s gallery.

In all honestly think about just how many superheroes out there honestly couldn’t say as much. Maybe they have 5 or so villains to call their own and be reliable sources of conflict but by and large try naming 6 villains Carol Danvers has consistently had personal one-on-one encounters with across the decades...besides Moonstone or Doctor Minerva.

Try doing the same for the Black Panther when you exclude Klaw and Killmonger.

You’d not run into such a problem with Mayday though

Super villains are vitally important to a superhero series and having some to call your own that you can definitively say are your rogue’s gallery is something to be proud and protective of. As Geoff Johns proved on his run on the Flash, villains are what you make of them. So even if Mayday doesn’t have the best rogue’s gallery she at least had the scope to never run out of opponents to challenge her and rivalries to explore.

Additionally, what made her rogue’s gallery special was it’s healthy mix of relatively original foes, her own spins on classic Spidey enemies and a handful of Spidey’s old foes (for example Hobgoblin).This created a robust villain pool from which to draw stories from as they allowed the creative team to explore similar power sets from a different point of view, pit a Spider character against a whole new type of opponent or explore Mayday and a villain’s identity via contrasting her battles with her fathers’.

It gave the Venom symbiote a character arc

In 1984 Tom DeFalco and Ron Frenz introduced the world to what would later be revealed as the Venom symbiote. Though they weren’t involved in every step of its consequent development in their own little universe they gave the symbiote a poignant death scene that totally re-contextualized its older appearances, granting it emotional layers, sympathy and a beautiful character arc. Oh and it was also the first ever example I know of where the symbiote was referred to as female.

It inspired things in the 616 universe and MCU

Much like the return of the Hobgoblin the MC2 universe both pioneered ideas later repeated in the mainstream 616 Marvel universe and also directly inspired concepts later introduced within it as well as the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

These include: making Cassie Lang a superhero called Stinger, giving Jessica Drew a son called Gerald, giving Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne a daughter named Hope, introducing a villain team named the Savage Six, making the Venom symbiote female, granting the symbiote to a supporting cast member and making them a hero, introducing an A.I. Iron Man suit programmed with Tony Stark’s brain patterns, giving Wolverine a daughter, and other stuff I am sure I am forgetting.

It could make lemonade out of terrible lemons

Tom DeFalco and Ron Frenz were nothing if not inventive problem solvers during their time on Spider-Girl. In particular they had a knack for making something worthwhile out of a bad situation.

In the 1990s a new female version of Doctor Octopus was introduced and roundly lambasted by the fan base faithful. Was this criticism unfair? Maybe...then again her plans did almost exclusively revolve around nonsense involving virtual reality.

Nevertheless the Spider-Girl creative team dusted off the character and introduced her afresh, doing away with her old schemes and playing her as a more straightforward and down to Earth villain who could easily overpower Mayday. Though she had but a few appearances it ultimately redeemed her character.

More significantly though when Dan Slott as part of Spider-Verse controversially killed off Mayday’s father and established her as now wearing his old costume DeFalco and Frenz decided to do a follow up story that believably and touchingly showcased Mayday’s grieving process and moving on.

Though most were unhappy with the situation that existed they nevertheless respected and appreciated the creative teams’ never flagging efforts to serve the character.

Actually involved the parents instead of killing them off as would be the cliché

Many critics and readers have praised Kamala Khan and other recent superheroes for subverting the typical superhero clichés of having dead parents.

However Spider-Girl is a precursor to many of these modern series. In fact as mentioned above her parents being recurring characters was essentially the wholesale point of the series.

And they weren’t just there as background characters either.

Through subplots such as their new baby and accepting April Parker into their family Peter and Mary Jane were given subplots of their own that were organically woven into the wider fabric of Mayday’s life.

Whilst Peter would on occasion suit up and go into action as Spider-Man, act as a mentor and dispense fatherly advice when necessary, MJ got to be a counterpoint to Peter and had two issues focussing almost exclusively upon her character.

Mayday was a brilliant fusion of her parents

Speaking of her parents, one of the charms of Mayday’s character was how believable she was as the child of Peter and Mary Jane.

This is evident from her very first appearance.

Like her mother Mayday is very popular and on the higher echelons of the high school social ladder. And yet she is scientifically inclined and friends with the ‘nerds’ as well as the ‘jocks’.

She has Peter’s hair and eye colour and sense of guilt, but her mother’s facial features and outgoing personality.

In a very real sense she is the embodiment of both of her parents’ best qualities.

The first ever digital Marvel series

Not much to say about this one.

Marvel Unlimited is huge now but once upon a time in the earliest days of its predecessor service Spider-Girl blazed the trail as the first and to y knowledge only digital Marvel series.

It was an all-ages female led comic book series at a time when none of those things were strong sellers

In addition to being an all-ages female led book, Spider-Girl deserves major, major credit for existing as those things within a marketplace actively hostile to them.

These days as much as digital series or female led books might struggle it must be said the playing field is far kinder to such books than it was in the late 1990s and throughout the 2000s.

Outside of some big names like Batgirl or Wonder Woman making a female led book an ongoing success was a profound uphill struggle doomed to fail as Marvel and DC were far less open to the idea that there was an untapped market of female fans, let alone a notable segment of their existing fan bases that were female. In truth there is a case for neither company having figured how to exploit those facts in the near decade since. The point is that female led books were a rarity and expected to fail more often than not. And yet Spider-Girl tried and succeeded in spite of that.

The same was very much true of an all-ages book. Though these had arguably better success in the 2000s then female led books they were still books that lived on borrowed time and yet despite being able to ‘course correct’ this fact the creative team stuck to their principles and resolutely refused to fall in line with the sensibilities of most of other comics of the day which were almost outright rejecting the idea of younger audiences.

The ultimate Spider-Man legacy character

Take your Miles Morales and your Miguel O’Hara’s and go home kids, because Mayday is without a doubt the greatest legacy character Peter Parker could ever ask for.

What makes Mayday so brilliant in this regard is that because she is Peter’s daughter isn’t just a legacy to Spider-Man but to Peter Parker too.

This provides a totally realistic justification for why she shares so many similarities with him and yet because she’s been raised differently and has her mother’s influence in her too she can zig where Peter zagged.

When she does act like her Dad (or her Mom for that matter) it is satisfying to the readers because we see her parent(s) in her. It’s a little bit like if you have an old friend and then see them in their children and how they act. Because we love Spider-Man, we love seeing Mayday honour his heroic legacy as well as just be like our old friend in her general personality.

And when she does act differently to how we’d expect Peter to behave, it brilliantly helps shine a light upon who Peter himself is as a character because we are so intimately familiar with who he is. At the same time it subtly clues us into what Peter is like as a parent as he had a hand in shaping Mayday to be the kind of person who’d act in those different ways he would have in similar situations.

This is beautifully demonstrated in Mayday’s debut story where she doesn’t need tragedy to drill the old great power/great responsibility lesson into her head. In fact she doesn’t need to be taught that lesson at all. She intuitively knows it because her Dad made sure she grasped it better than he did at her age.

Then you have her costume. It is of course Ben Reilly’s old Spider-Man suit and as such was conveniently custom built to work as evoking Spider-Man’s look whilst being its own thing. Which is exactly what you want out of a legacy character. Something unique that nevertheless honours and reminds you of the original.

The fact that it is also Ben’s design enables Mayday to serve as a dual legacy to both her father and her Uncle Ben.

And there you have it. 20 reasons you should love Mayday. Now head over to Marvel Unlimited and check out her adventures!

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naaluna-blog · 5 years

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Call out Culture

So I have been watching a lot of interesting social things happen the past few years. Specifically people going out of their way to destroy others just because they can. Interestingly enough I found an article online from an Opinion Columnist named David Brooks. It is on the nytimes website. I’m going to copy and paste it to share with the community. I think it’s an interesting read and that it brings some things into perspective. Everybody at some point has done something shitty in their youth or had a rough time in their life where they were socially not a good person. My stance is that depending on the situation and what a person has done with their life people should just let the past be the past. Don’t try and destroy someone because it gives you some kind of validation or it makes you feel good. Calling someone out should be something you do only if the person is a threat to others or to a community at large. There was recently a call out on someone here on tumblr that I wholeheartedly agree with. But then there are call outs on someone for their mental illness utterly ruling them as a person for a while. Yeah, they were a shitty person. Yeah, they may have done or said some things that were pretty terrible. But if they went and got help, went to intentionally improve their lives after they realized what they were doing to not only themselves but those around them, what right do people have to try destroying them for something that happened three/four/five years ago? That type of call out culture is toxic and just vicious zealotry. By doing that you are invalidating everything that person may have done to try and better themselves. You are telling them that all that hard work to better their mental state and their lives does not matter. That thing they did when their mental illness ruled them forever brands them as a terrible, shitty person for the rest of their life. Take a moment and step back to examine that. Realize how terribly shitty of a person someone has to be to totally invalidate the rest of someones life like that just because they *can*. Anyway..that’s the end of my rant. Here is the article.

_________________________________________________________ A number of months ago, I listened to a podcast that has haunted me since — because it captures something essential about our culture warrior moment. It was from NPR’s always excellent “Invisibilia” series and it was about a woman named Emily.Emily was a member of the hard-core punk music scene in Richmond, Va. One day, when she was nearly 30, she was in a van with her best friend, who was part of a prominent band. They were heading to a gig in Florida when the venue called to cancel their appearance. A woman had accused Emily’s best friend of sending her an unwelcome sexually explicit photograph. His bandmates immediately dismissed her allegations. But inwardly Emily seethed. Upon returning to Richmond, she wrote a Facebook post denouncing her best friend as an abuser. “I disown everything he has done. I do not think it’s O.K. … I believe women.”The post worked. He ended up leaving the band and disappeared from the punk scene. Emily heard rumors that he’d been fired from his job, kicked out of his apartment, had moved to a new city and was not doing well. Emily never spoke with him again.Meanwhile, she was fronting her own band. But in October 2016, she, too, got called out. In high school, roughly a decade before, someone had posted a nude photo of a female student. Emily replied with an emoji making fun of the girl. This was part of a wider pattern of her high school cyberbullying.A post denouncing Emily also went viral. She, too, was the object of nationwide group hate. She was banned from the punk scene. She didn’t leave the house for what felt like months. Her friends dropped her. She was scared, traumatized and alone. She tried to vanish.“It’s entirely my life,” she told “Invisibilia" tearfully. “Like, this is everything to me. And it’s all just, like, done and over.”But she accepted the legitimacy of the call-out process. If she was called out it must mean she deserved to be rendered into a nonperson: “I don’t know what to think of myself other than, like, I am so sorry. And I do feel like a monster.” The guy who called out Emily is named Herbert. He told “Invisibilia” that calling her out gave him a rush of pleasure, like an orgasm. He was asked if he cared about the pain Emily endured. “No, I don’t care,” he replied. “I don’t care because it’s obviously something you deserve, and it’s something that’s been coming. … I literally do not care about what happens to you after the situation. I don’t care if she’s dead, alive, whatever.”Editors’ PicksEvery Building on Every Block: A Time Capsule of 1930s New York48 of the Coolest Kids in New YorkIn 12 Minutes, Everything Went WrongWhen the interviewer, Hanna Rosin, showed skepticism, he revealed that he, too, was a victim. His father beat him throughout his childhood.In this small story, we see something of the maladies that shape our brutal cultural moment. You see how zealotry is often fueled by people working out their psychological wounds. You see that when denunciation is done through social media, you can destroy people without even knowing them. There’s no personal connection that allows apology and forgiveness.You also see how once you adopt a binary tribal mentality — us/them, punk/non-punk, victim/abuser — you’ve immediately depersonalized everything. You’ve reduced complex human beings to simple good versus evil. You’ve eliminated any sense of proportion. Suddenly there’s no distinction between R. Kelly and a high school girl sending a mean emoji. The podcast gives a glimpse of how cycles of abuse get passed down, one to another. It shows what it’s like to live amid a terrifying call-out culture, a vengeful game of moral one-upsmanship in which social annihilation can come any second.I’m older, so all sorts of historical alarm bells were going off — the way students denounced and effectively murdered their elders for incorrect thought during Mao’s Cultural Revolution and in Stalin’s Russia.But the “Invisibilia" episode implicitly suggests that call-outs are how humanity moves forward. Society enforces norms by murdering the bullies who break them. When systems are broken, vigilante justice may be rough justice, but it gets the job done. Prominent anthropologist Richard Wrangham says this is the only way civilization advances that he’s witnessed.Really? Do we really think cycles of cruelty do more to advance civilization than cycles of wisdom and empathy? I’d say civilization moves forward when we embrace rule of law, not when we abandon it. I’d say we no longer gather in coliseums to watch people get eaten by lions because clergy members, philosophers and artists have made us less tolerant of cruelty, not more tolerant. The problem with the pseudo-realism of the call-out culture is that it is so naïve. Once you adopt binary thinking in which people are categorized as good or evil, once you give random people the power to destroy lives without any process, you have taken a step toward the Rwandan genocide. Even the quest for justice can turn into barbarism if it is not infused with a quality of mercy, an awareness of human frailty and a path to redemption. The crust of civilization is thinner than you think. ______________________________________________________________

#callout culture #toxic people #food for thought

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deveharrington · 6 years

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[5 new theories] + Ok anons, I will heed your advice and take a break. Thanks for all the responses, good and bad. I also apologize for my last theory. Consider some new theories in light of new info?

Before I fully relax, and I am typing this from the HMS DavidDuchovnyFrustration’s jacuzzi, let’s do some more mental gymnastics!

I always want to adjust my perspective in light of new info. So, following the release of the beach photos from August 19, I have some new thoughts.

Would it sound crazy for me to say that these pictures are actually making me doubt my own previous theories? Ok well everything I say probably comes across as crazy.

My imagination just outruns me, I love being proven wrong. I think I need it lmao.

So here are my most recent theories in response to the beach photos. 🐶 ⛱️

(Also, I will not post the actual photos because I simply refuse to and because I am a big baby)

💣 [THEORY 42] It means nothing.

I propose that, right now, he is in a state of (and a potentially dangerous level of?) apathy and neutrality. This neutral state of being is a bad combination with his already very laid-back nature.

He is going nowhere, and this could lead to frustration. And if David cannot face his feelings or be honest with himself, he may just seek “thrills” or instant gratification (a.k.a. this “relationship”) to balance the frustration. Thus, a vicious cycle is born.

Also, the stress of his career being stagnant right now might be causing him to seek comfort through instant gratification. He does not seem to be attempting to build things up for himself. I see no progress.

What if, in this, “relationship”, he literally does not give a shit?

*** OR, he had already been apathetic BEFORE the relationship, and the inception of the relationship was a product of that!!! ***

As in, SOMETHING may have happened to make David revert to “I don’t give a shit” mode. HMMM.

Onto the theory, David’s “laissez-faire” attitude has always been a prominent topic of interest to me, and most likely for the sole fact that I myself am the complete opposite. But live and let live. I guess i’ve always paid attention to it and now see it as related to this situation.

David has always been laid-back in the past. I think that is his true nature. But in the past he was also balanced by having a career, purpose, and engagement in life. Right now I see no career, nor purpose, nor engagement (and when I say “engagement”, I mean the action, not the term in the marriage sense).

It’s all “laissez-faire”, or, in his own words, “it can mean anything”. He may even be saying one thing to Monique but feeling another (more on this later).

I am really going to go ahead and quote Cowboy Bebop here, lmao:

If you love someone, you love yourself.

If you hate someone, you hate yourself.

I said, “I don’t feel anything towards anyone.”

Bull said, “That is the greatest misfortune on this earth.”

Ok, let’s try to be fair and not too dramatic right away. I’m not saying David has no feelings, for sure he has feelings for his family or loved ones. But could the apathy be the reason why he seems distant from them right now? Or perhaps them distancing themselves from him is CAUSING the apathy? Again, just propositions and not facts.

For David, the reality of the situation could be that he has convinced himself he has some semblance of “feelings” for Monique, however, of course I attribute these “feelings” to delusions or excuses for the obscene nature of the relationship.

In which case, it could be argued that, if David is telling himself he does have “feelings” for Monique, it could be a rationalization that he is so desperately wanting to force himself to believe in order to avoid the truth. The truth being that he himself was not strong enough to fight against this situation. He succumbed and maybe asks himself why. I hope he is asking himself why.

Now back to the neutrality stance.

💣 [THEORY 43] WHERE/WHAT IS HIS CAREER?

These are also things I have questioned:

- Him taking the cancellation of his movie in stride. Maybe I am just overlooking the complexities of the movie making process and downplaying how hard it is to actually get a movie made. But David has all the time, means and reason to do so. I just don’t see David as the kind of guy to accept obstacles, especially when it concerns his passion projects. So, is there something more to this?

- David seems to not be aware that his own fans have not received their CD’s. Again, I don’t have all the facts. But what is this? And again, David has all the time and reason to pay attention to his music career but he doesn't?

- Also, is he working on an album (or anything?) for the future? Maybe he actually is? lmao, I have no idea? What i’m saying is, where is the progress? Where is the drive?

It is like he is just wandering around, an aimless, organic vagabond.

But I really love to listen to David talk about his music. I see his music as a genuine artistic expression coming from him. As an artist and art lover myself, I feel one the best things about art is that is reveals who you truly are.

I think I may make a separate post about this to elaborate, what I’m saying basically is that I feel what he says about his music and music making process are genuine feelings coming from him. It is not just what he says but the way he says these things, it reveals a lot about him, and the reveal is positive. I see a genuine vulnerability. Otherwise, sometimes his statements can come across as loaded with unspoken messages or intentions.

So here are some quotes from David himself on his music making process. I use them because I see them as genuine expressions coming from him. They are not recent, I just am showing them to illustrate the foundations of his laid-back attitude.

- “Why not?” - As an explanation of why he became a musician. Could he also have just said, “why not?” not his “relationship” with Monique? And, when the times comes for him to want to break up (and it WILL happen, right God? RIGHT?), will he also hopefully say, “why not?” ?

- “I don’t like having things explained to me.” - Like social media? hehehe. Like Monique’s social media posts? hehehe. Like how Brad Davidson is scamming your fans? hehehe.

- “I didn’t want it to feel like work at all.”

- * “It can mean anything for anyone” - What if David is being so liberal that he is giving both Monique and HIMSELF the freedom to have their own reasons for their relationship? And if this were the case, then it is not much of a “RELATIONship”, now is it?

I said in the first thesis that he deliberately keeps his beliefs vague so that he doesn’t have to take full responsibility for his choices, reasons and actions. As in, if he keeps his intentions open enough, he can displace blame onto others if things go wrong.

For example, he may dole out some high-minded poo poo on the age gap along these lines: “age is arbitrary and has no meaning. The spirit is what connects” etc. Implying that somehow, SOCIETY and their ~ lack of enlightenment ~ would be what’s really to blame for their animosity towards an age gap relationship. This is all just for the illusion of openness. An illusion to disguise the lack of desire to take responsibility.

If David wants to say that what he does can mean anything to anyone, then I want say this relationship means nothing to everyone.

This theory could easily be challenged by the notion that, if David were really in this neutral state, then he may try to assuage himself by seeking thrills. So, could the age gap component of the relationship be seen as a potential thrill for him? (UGH, sorry). And I guess I can’t ignore the physical component of the relationship, which not only appeals to his ego but must of course remind him of his younger, more reckless self (I am really sorry). To me, it connects, but others may see it differently.

💣 [THEORY 44] *** I propose a single massive difference between Gillovny and Davinique. And to be fair to David, this is not fully in his control:

Gillian could not bring herself to trust David completely (due to his reputation and her own insecurities), but Monique trusts him completely.

And maybe Monique trusted him completely from the start? Maybe it is as simple as she may not be fully informed of his reputation? Is she just really enamoured? Or is she simply not old or experienced enough to see a person as a complex being with flaws. Maybe David is lying to her about his flaws. He lies to himself about his flaws 😇.

(Thank you to a user, who wishes for their identity to remain private, that proposed this amazing theory to me. I love getting ideas like this that I would never have come up with myself.)

Could it all be as simple as a personality difference between Gillian and Monique? I always saw one conflict between Gillian and David being her excessive worrying/insecurity clashing with his excessive laidbackness/cockiness.

So, if Monique is more in line with David’s attitude, then he may feel relieved that this conflict that was so prominent between him and Gillian is taken care of.

But that is not really my focus with this theory.

This theory at least clears a lot of smoke for me. Part of the pain of this situation was, for me, imagining David hurting Gillian very badly (when she was already potentially very insecure about their relationship) over some nonsense “relationship” with Monique, but what if it really, truly, and literally, Monique means nothing to David. However, this would imply that David was the one to betray Gillian first by getting involved with Monique and I actually do not believe this was the case.

On that subject, the next theory will explain:

💣 [THEORY 45] Who, between David and Gillian, performed the fatal action that was Gillovny’s undoing?

Could the final blow actually have been enacted by Gillian? and... intentionally??

I know the common theory is that this is all David’s fault. But what if Gillian dumped David or pushed him away prematurely out of her own suspicions and misconceptions that stemmed from her insecurity of being involved with him?

💣 [THEORY 46] Davinique in the wild?

Could David’s “relationship” actually have most of it’s meaning in Monique’s head, and not David’s? (contrary to what I proposed in the first thesis.)

I propose this because, looking at the beach pictures, David is not paying attention to Monique.

I know they are just pictures, a single fraction of a single second in time. And I am probably just seeing what I want to see.

But I was not expecting that level of non-acknowledgment between them? Did they know they were being photographed? (Personally, I don’t think they knew because neither of them, especially Monique, is looking into the camera. Nobody from the group seems to notice the camera either). So, if they were not aware they were being photographed, do we finally have evidence of Davinique in the wild?

I just really want to believe this for now. I was expecting to be hurt by the pics but noticing these small subtleties actually made me feel better.

[Some random thoughts on the beach pictures]

- This is an objective observation: good for Monique for being in shape, but the fact that she has a masculine body frame (square torso) that is also quite built up is not helping me deny my theory that David is enjoying having sex with himself. (i’M SORRY!!!)

- I just couldn’t contain myself at seeing an image I see very commonly at my local lake: a group is separated in two, with the adults on supervision in the back, fully clothed, wearing hats, sitting in lawn chairs and talking amongst themselves. Meanwhile the kids are sprawled out, enjoying the sun, and playing with the dog. ooooh boy David what is this shit lmfao.

Thank you, anyone who reads this!

#David Duchovny #Monique Pendleberry #Davinique organic acid fever dream

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sygmath · 6 years

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A cross to bear.

What’s one of the hardest things to do? Well, actually its not hard at all, I do it all the time almost as naturally as I breathe, perhaps even more so considering how sometimes I can barely breathe due to the seasons or illness. So, in fact, I fooled y’all and myself. I didn’t mean hard at all, I meant painful.

So here we go, let’s try this again. You know what’s one of the most painful things to do to oneself? Look back on what you’ve had and what or who you’ve lost so far. And how things have evolved without you and you can’t even justify resentment or anger because these choices were your own and you have to live with them.

What am I talking about precisely? I’m talking about friends. I’m talking about family, I’m talking about love, I’m talking about opportunities and most of all, I’m talking about time. Time is the one true thing that’s never really returned to us and we’d do well to manage it wisely.

We far too often don’t.

It’s pretty painful to look back on the friends which you’ve left behind when you’ve taken the great leap of faith, with whom you’ve compared ambitions, dreams and desires. And by god, how sure one is of taking those steps and how great it will be when you’re reunited... But then you see them pass you by. You see them go and leave and work on their aspirations with who they want and you’re in time, often by your own doing, by virtue of the diverging path you’ve taken, force to face that you’re left in the dust of the fogs of memory... Those were the friends.

It is painful too to think about the family, so loving and supporting and whose efforts to see you succeed and unwavering support produces nothing but mistakes and self-entitlement. No one should have to sacrifice for another, only to see that sacrifice be proverbially spat upon by virtue of one’s actions no matter how convinced you are that they were the right ones. More than anything I do not wish to be a leech upon their belly, and the failures of one’s decisions should never carry with them the unspoken need for help nor the obligation on their behalf to get one back on their feet regardless of how catastrophic such a failure could be.

And to talk about love... hah, how it is to talk about former loves, to see someone who you’ve left behind, who you’ve loved so deeply and by whom you were loved just as intensively move on and be all the better for it well... it hurts. It stings. But then you feel anger at yourself more so than at your other half because you were the one to make the choice to leave, the choice to go and hurt this person with your selfish actions. Now they seek happiness, now they seek their place in the world elsewhere with others. There are wounds left which breed resentment, and this resentment to any sane mind in this situation breeds anger from how unjust it is. So one can only take it in stride, swallow it and... hold onto it like your life depended on it, becoming bitter, increasingly sad and maybe one day you’ll be dead inside enough to never care about it again.

My opportunities? The what-ifs of life. I’ll share with you a story. When I was finishing high-school my mother told me to study, but never told me why or what for. I had grown severely disenchanted and burnt out with school and I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted to party, have adventures and focus on the things I was truly good at. Writing, biology, geology, all the things which led me to explore the world and could bring me to places. I couldn’t be bothered with Math. And so I never did during that year and flunked as a result. It wasn’t until my grades came out and I was sure I would have to retake the subject that my mother revealed to me that the reason she’d been pushing me so hard was because she had a rather well-paying opportunity for me in wait and since I’d lost the year, I’d now not be able to enrol for it as I did not meet the minimum requirements. I lost an opportunity due to the decisions made by me when I thought I was following what was the most important at the time. But this is simply the earliest instance of it. Many more examples of this happened after and well... it was only a beginning which riddled me with “what ifs” and consistent second guessing. Even if I often portray myself as driven, doubts eat away at my mind on what kind of wrong turns I’ve taken that led me to where I am.

And finally... time. They say it is through a man’s mistakes that we learn and grow to be the people we want to be. But just how many mistakes are we allowed before time runs out on you and it goes from being a learning process to the needless repetition of a vicious cycle? Now is going to work out, this is it, this is the big one, one thinks as yet another wrong turn is taken which will only show itself several years down the line. Or maybe it is the consistent twists and turns which constantly cancel one another out to form a twisted line that deviates from the road you set out to follow in the first place. When is time spent too much time?

Personally, I’m growing tired. My strength and drive and energy seem to be out of balance and whether that is a weakness that is irreversible or a complete symptom of burnout which I can yet recover from I am unsure. Which is funny considering how out of all the people if there’s someone who should know this it is me.

But no matter.

All of these things were choices of mine and I’ve deconstructed myself enough over the length of this wall of text and despite it all, I should stand by my convictions, particularly when all of the dents and cracks which appear on them stem from continuous second guessing, former experience and speculation. The context changed, right? The experience provides me some more insight? Perhaps the support I have is different?

It is time to take all these crosses, haul them up and keep walking.

Let’s see how far I make it this time.

#letting go #pain #memories #wondering #love #friends #family #missed opportunities

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covidchroniclesblog · 3 years

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March 13th (Friday the 13th the beginning of what was yet to come)

The day started off the same as all my days the last month. Tired. Tired to the point that I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. It was the vicious cycle of getting up, going to school to do film things and then coming home and trying to make sure I wasn’t behind on other school related things. This day however was supposed to be a bit of a relaxing day as I was able to sleep in but I was invited by my mom’s trainer to come over and hang out with her dog while my mom was working out. As much as I wanted to relish in the sweet release of sleep I accepted and went over. Getting in some quality animal time would probably boost my mood and maybe help my stress level. I told myself this as I dragged myself out of bed before 10:30 am. Anyone who knows me knows that I will sleep as long as humanly possible and even then I can still manage to take at least 1 if not 2 naps per day (Usually in secret as my parents are not big nap people). I had to go into school to do some editing. I wasn't too excited to go in because I was having to go in early every day the past week and I was beginning to be really sleep deprived. I also had told a classmate of mine the night before in film class that I would help him with the filming of his movie from 5-8pm (I think), so overall I wasn't too excited about being at school for longer than I had to. As well, it was Friday which is usually take out day in my family and I did not want to miss that. I waited for the bus and decided to put on Come From Away (the musical for those who don’t know) because I was feeling a bit down and that music is really upbeat (mostly) and I thought it would make me feel better. I got to the bus stop to wait for the second bus that would take me all the way to school. The screen that lets people know when busses are coming has been broken since October so I went to check google maps. I pulled out my phone and saw that my production group chat was blowing up my phone. We had been in the process of building a set for the upcoming show for about a month and half now so there wasn't really any reason to text each other. I checked to see what was happening and one of my friends had posted a part of the university’s website saying that all in person classes are suspended till the end of term ( until further notice but whatever) basically saying classes are canceled please don’t come back. So everyone in the chat was freaking out, which was completely valid as anyone would do in this situation. I decided that already being half way to school i was just going to go anyways. I hopped onto a 60 bus which took me 98% of the way to school. My friend who had sent us the webpage was there when I arrived and we chatted about things, I went and collected everything from my locker. The day before during film class I decided to take home all my books in case they told us we weren't allowed to come back ( for various reasons, like we entered an actual apocalypse or somehow aliens invaded got covid and only hazmat teams were allowed in ). I then texted my dad and he came and picked me up. Honestly looking back at this I remember feeling a sense of relief that school was over but because everything ended so abruptly there was not really any time to process anything further than that moment. I remember going to Walmart with my dad and feeling a bit lost. I got some coffee but really wanted ice cream ( I went to Mc Donalds if that helps set the picture) I messaged my friend from film class saying I wasn't able to make it but he insisted he was still going to film. Which actually helped him in the long run but that's another entry. After that I went home and just sat in the loss I was feeling. That was it. No punch line, no snarky remark. I just felt lost.

Sincerely, Elizabeth Carter

#covid19 #pandemic #pandemic writing #writing

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hernewj0urney · 7 years

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October 2016- October 2017

It's hasnt even reached a full year yet and damn it's been tough but I'm proud of myself.

I walked out on a future I had planned for me. A picture painted with what I thought was my happy ending. Until things just got worse and worse and I had to let it all go. People don't understand the pain of that. It wasn't just another boyfriend I broke up with. It was so much more. He was so much more. The pain and embarrassment of letting people know "hey please ignore those save the date" and calling every single vendor cancelling my deposits. I thinking within this year I did a hell of a good job recovering from that pain. I still carry some..anger, resentment.. but in time that too will heal.

But now I'm too back living in a situation that is always a vicious cycle. I don't know why I always think things will be different with people. Guess that's why I stayed with my fiance so long because it always comes down to " we had a talk..it will be different now.. better" I always have high hope for people...need to learn that people don't change. A bandaid is slapped on after a talk but it eventually comes off.

People are always so quick to judge and throw stones because they keep their dirty laundry a secret and I'm an open book. For years and years people would ask me why do I put up with such abuse. Why dont I leave. Shit..even on vacation a friend called them out saying why do they have to always be so dismissive and nasty to me. Its actually relieving to know I'm not crazy and this person is abusive to me. And when I confront them, ONCE AGAIN I may add, I'm told "your too damn sensitive, get over it" get over it? Like how I defended myself against my brother, my fiance, I will no longer tolerate the treatment from this person. Once again I have to move and lost another very important person to me all in one year. Maybe they won't be completely cut off like them but they will be much more than are arms length away.

And right now I'm full of anger, fear, and pain. But I know eventually everything will work out the way it's supposed to because I will be free of the bonds that pull me down. And now I just let life show everything , everyone the truth. Eventually the truth always comes out. As much as it hurts, this is what I need. And I need to just remember to stay strong and continue to work on myself. No matter who judges me thinking I'm not doing a good enough job!

I work 4 jobs

Im taking an online class to further my career

I keep a roof over my head

I pay my bills

I take very good care of my fur babies

I'm doing a fantastic job at work

I think I'm very good to my friends and family

I'm getting goals marked off my bucket list

I go to bed feeling good and wake up good

I'm very kind and caring to everyone

Constantly setting new monthly and yearly goals

I need to remember this everytime this person makes me feel like anything less. They are not even close to having their life together, so they have no right to make me feel anything less. EVERYONE has room to improve themselves and their lives. Thats something no one should ever stop doing. But I think I'm doing a damn good job and I am proud of myself regardless of what people say to bring me down!

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc.

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all.

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #depression #social anxiety #perfectionism #self-motivation #self-encouragement #thoughts #feelings #family #Let's try our best! :3 #baby steps #believe in yourself #onwards to victory!

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