#then why does Will secretly read a love letter from Hannibal?

[hughdancybabyface]

"Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other?"

"She's aware enough."

[sparklyjojos]

[THE CHILDISH DARKNESS Recaps, Chapter 9 -- FINALE]

[tw: gore]

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NINE

Near the end of Paul Auster’s 1995 movie Smoke, the writer protagonist says something like this:

“Thoroughly trapped, I believed in his story. This is the only fact that matters. As long as just a single person believes in a story, it can’t not be true.”

[Note: I haven’t found anything like the above quote in the actual screenplay. The closest thing was: Bullshit is a real talent, Auggie. To make up a good story, a person has to know how to push all the right buttons.]

Even if the person knows well that the story is a lie, as long as they continue to believe in it, it’s also the truth. A lot of writers have talked about this in and outside their novels, and others quietly acknowledge that. The true story is one that contains lies. If you want to tell the truth, you have to lie sometimes. But why does the believer believe in something he knows isn’t real?

One could say that all stories are made out of lies and overflow with contradictions. To what extent can these contradictions be forgiven varies from person to person. Some seek complete order, some don’t, some notice a disrepancy yet let it pass. It depends on a person as to which stories they consider true and dive deep into, and which they dismiss as a lie. Every story meets every type of a reader, and that reader can either understand what the story’s trying to convey or not.

But it’s not like Saburou really understood just what made the difference between people who believed in a given story or not. As far as he was concerned, he only believed in stories that he wanted to believe in, saw and heard only what he wanted to see and hear.

That’s why he’d kept believing that Jirou could still be alive.

He knew that this was a lie. He had noticed the contradiction.

When Jirou and Maruo had argued that fateful night, they knocked over the pot with stew meant for dinner, completely ruining the meal that his mother had prepared using all the leftover meat. Then how, after Jirou was thrown into the warehouse, the rest of the family could still have stew for dinner? Certainly they had plenty of vegetables and miso left in the storage, but where did the meat come from?

Saburou knew why his dreams kept showing him Hannibal Lecter. He knew why the poor Mr. Krendler was another him, or rather not another him, but his extension: his elder brother. It was really Jirou, even if he had Saburou’s face -- that was yet another sign of Saburou trying to conceal the truth from himself. Though it wasn’t really self-deception. In a way Jirou really was, as his brother, an extension of him, just like he was Shirou, Ichirou, his father and mother and maybe their fathers and mothers as well. He was his entire family and he consumed his entire family.

The cannibalistic family of Chiuhi living secretly in Nishi Akatsuki.

Jirou had never escaped from the warehouse.

Jirou had been sealed away in the locked room inside them.

Jirou had died. Jirou was still living inside him.

He had wanted to believe the story about how Jirou had escaped, became Kawaji Natsurou, invented Jawakutora. Of course, all these things about Natsurou and Jawakutora had been prepared for Shirou to solve and not for him, but he still wanted to believe the lie more than the truth.

But if he knew the truth, why had he been so convinced that the letter found with Okamoto’s body had been written by Jirou? No doubt it had something to do with being a mystery writer and being used to figuring out a possible rational solution to anything. He could think up so many possibillities, but chose the one in which Jirou had written the letter.

--

Saburou woke up in their living room tied up so he couldn’t move a muscle, as if he was to become someone’s dinner. That was only fair, perhaps. He would be properly punished and forgiven, then disappear completely from this world.

But he wanted to live! Punish him as you will, but let him live! He hadn’t yet made himself worth anything! He still wanted to do so many things, to go to so many places with Yurio! Even if that could be hard, seeing what Yurio had recently done to her father.

But that headless body wasn’t really her father, was it? It’d been Saburou who returned home and got stabbed. Yurio cut his head off and put her father’s wallet into his pocket to conceal the body’s true identity, and Saburou was now a hapless ghost who hadn’t even noticed his own death--

--would be a twist in a third-rate mystery novel and not something that Saburou would care to believe in, not with all the contradictions -- why would the carved out LOVE ME TENDER be a fresh wound? Then again, Yurio had read a lot of mystery novels, so she could think of carving the sentence once more on top of the old one… but no, no matter how much Saburou would like to think otherwise, the one killed had been Yurio’s father.

To tell the truth, he was glad that Yurio had killed her father and gone away. He’d hate to be killed by her. He didn’t want to die.

--

When Kawaji Natsurou = Kawai Youji entered his field of vision, Saburou tried to taunt him, but it mostly fell flat.

“Saburou,” Youji said, “I have lived all these past years just to get a single answer from your family. I’ve been masquarading as Jirou for over ten years, acting and looking like him but under another name. My intention was to lure him out, but oh well, it seems he wouldn’t be fooled just like that. Still, I’ve waited. Do you understand why?... I feared Jirou. I didn’t want to meet him ever again, even if there was something I absolutely had to know.”

Youji pulled out a gun to show that he had a way to defend himself if he met Jirou. Saburou questioned aloud if a gun could do anything against that human whirlwind of violence, but advised to keep the weapon out anyway, since who knew if Jirou wouldn’t suddenly arrive, right?

“Now about this question you want answered,” he added, “I’m afraid that I have no idea where Kazuhiro is. You think that Jirou was involved in his disappearance, don’t you? Well, Jirou is dead.”

Youji didn’t listen. “Jirou murdered him, wanting to use him as a body double for himself. …After I first felt that my brother was dead, I ran away from home, hid, and intended to make Jirou tell me where Kazuhiro was. Even if Jirou wouldn’t appear, I stil enjoyed acting like him…. Maybe more than searching for Kazuhiro.”

After this short speech, Saburou’s hell started.

First Youji gave him strong painkillers so he wouldn’t die from shock. Then using surgical tools he carefully connected the big blood vessels above his thighs creating a bypass, then took to work using an electric saw. In an instant, both of Saburou’s legs were gone. No more walking the mountain paths. No more trying to get himself in shape.

Saburou yelled, “We ate Jirou, goddamn it! Me, Shirou, mom and dad! Mom cut him into pieces and cooked into a stew with miso and vegetables!”

Youji didn’t listen. He took away Saburou’s arms next. No more writing mystery novels with his own two hands, no more basketball, no more Rachmaninoff.

When Youji was about to continue his work, Saburou saw by his side the pale ghost of a child and understood.

“Youji,” he asked, “didn’t you and Kazuhiro wear okappa style hair when you were children?”

The ghost girl wasn’t a girl at all. It was Kawai Kazuhiro wearing the feminine style clothing his parents used to dress him in.

“Kazuhiro is here,” Saburou said.

“Where?”

Where? Saburou remembered the footsteps.

“In the kitchen. Under the floor.”

Youji went to the kitchen and opened the trapdoor. “Here?”

“It’s further underground.” The storage had been renovated along with the kitchen thirteen years ago...

“How do you get there?”

Saburou asked to be moved outside and into the warehouse. If Kazuhiro’s body hadn’t been found during the renovation, it had to be somewhere else than in the small storage, but close enough that the ghost could appear in the house. Some underground space connected with the storage? Even if that space had been filled with dirt since then, it’s not like a ghost would care.

They found a hidden entrance under the giant pillar in the warehouse. Youji vanished inside calling Kazuhiro’s name, leaving Saburou completely alone.

Saburou wondered if he would never see Kazuhiro’s ghost again. The boy had probably shown himself to ask Saburou to find his body. To lead him here.

Let’s think about the reason why Kazuhiro had died under their house. The secret passage had undoubtedly been created by Jirou to escape from the warehouse. Maybe he wanted to one night use it to kill the entire family, which is why he kept it secret from everyone. Being seemingly closed in a warehouse all night would be a great alibi.

Or maybe Jirou planned to use Kazuhiro as his body double and fake his own death, using some sophisticated method to trick the investigators that’d try to analyse the corpse’s DNA and fingerprints. Or maybe he just escaped through the hole in the roof... Or what happened was a completely unplanned incident of getting cooked. Maybe Jirou hesitated just before enacting his plan and had Kazuhiro come to him, and when the family arrived to eat Jirou he tried to hide Kazuhiro underground but someone from the family murdered him too, or maybe Jirou had just killed him so he wouldn’t get in the way...

Or maybe Saburou being a mystery novelist was just obstinately trying to solve mysteries. But since he was already dying, he’d have to give up on reaching the solution. (Snip! Goodbye, stubborn traits of a mystery writer.) There was no need to solve the mystery. He always loved thinking about ridiculous tricks more than obvious solutions, and so the egoism of his love was always at work as well – but no more, seeing as his death was approaching.

Shirou had been right about the note meaning “Death to God Jawakutora”. The letter was probably written by Youji. Saburou didn’t understand why Youji would kill Okachi, but it’s not like he’d have to think about it anymore, as he had already let all his drive to find the answer to the mystery die. Peaceful sleep would come so soon.

But wouldn’t finally finding Kazuhiro instill mercy in Youji? Maybe he would let Saburou live! He didn’t want to die!

But then again, maybe it was better to die than to live without limbs but still with his stupid fucking head filled only with stupid worthless thoughts.

Saburou heard a shriek from the underground passage. What had just happened? Did Youji scream upon finding his brother’s body? Did he see the ghost? Finally Saburou heard quickly approaching footsteps.

“You okay there?” he called.

“I should be the one asking you that,” came the answer.

From the secret passage emerged Okachi.

 --was what couldn’t happen. Okachi was dead. The one standing there was actually another, taller man. He was just wearing Okachi’s skin. Was it Jirou? No, not at all. Then who? The electric saw he was holding was dripping with blood that may have been not just Saburou’s.

“Found you,” the person said. “You don’t have to look so shocked. It’s me!” And he showed his true identity to Saburou.

 Of course, Saburou’s not going to simply write their name down here.

After all, the truth can only be conveyed using lies.

Well then, let’s write some lies.

 The man was obviously Jirou. Jirou was alive! Ha ha ha! What the hell! Apparently Jirou had been hiding somewhere before learning about Youji’s actions and coming back to town to get rid of him. He attacked Shirou’s enemy and now arrived here. Thank you, Jirou! Thank you for saving Saburou’s life! And here he thought he’d eaten Jirou, but that was just a false memory created by his feelings of guilt! Anyway, hurray for being saved!

 --was the lie. In reality, the man was Ichirou. He’d given up on searching for their mother and came back to town, learned about what had happened to Shirou, murdered Okachi, left the letter, and came to save Saburou. Thank you, Ichirou!

 --was another lie. The man was Maruo. Tormented with guilt after what he’d said to Saburou, Maruo came to his help after having taken revenge for Shirou. Thank you, dad! Your little boy forgives you!

  --was yet another lie. The man was Fukushima Manabu. After his mother had died, he assisted Shirou in the search for Jawakutora’s true identity and realized it was Kawaji Natsurou. He killed Okachi both as revenge for Shirou and as a copycat crime to lure Kawaji out, and finally avenged his mother. Congratulations, Fukushima! Just don’t go bragging about it to the police!

 --was a lie as well. The man was the boyfriend of Saburou’s mother. At her request he had both avenged Shirou and arranged the copycat crime, and then killed Kawaji. Thank you, mom’s unnamed boyfriend! Isn’t she a wonderful woman? Please take good care of her!

 --was of course yet another lie. The man was just some guy, no one of much importance. For some unknown reason he had avenged Shirou, wrote the letter and came to Saburou’s help. Thank you, no one special!

 --but oh dear, that was a lie too! This wasn’t a tall man at all, but a girl of tiny posture! She’d found Saburou’s cut off limbs and attached them to her own limbs and came here walking on his legs like on stilts. Thank you, little girl, even if you look a little silly!

 One may create as many lies as they wish.

That’s exactly why Saburou’s able to make his living by writing only lies. Why he’s a man living by creating lies and showing them to people. Lies are his only friends, the kind of friends that you don’t really like at first, but after you hang out with them for some time you realize they’re actually pretty cool dudes, those lies.

 But there’s no use in writing only lies, so Saburou’s going to write about how he truly feels.

He’s glad that he’s alive and that Jirou, Nozaki and Kawaji / Jawakutora / Youji all survived.

When Youji cut off his limbs, maybe all of his stupid fixations and obligations went away with them.

That’s why he can safely say that losing his limbs was, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to him.

If you compare human life to a story, then there’s but one truth that Saburou’s story conveys: that sometimes people are saved by having their limbs cut off. That sometimes the despair of loss and the proximity of death may bring salvation to the soul.

After the loss and despair, Saburou can’t see anything but hope in front of him. Once you’ve reached the bottom, the only way is up.

Yurio disappeared after killing her father, but Saburou is hopeful about her too. Maybe she will one day be caught by the police and put in an institution somewhere, but that’ll certainly be better than the care she had in his house. If she started getting better while staying with him, then she’ll surely make an even greater progress under professional care. Maybe she’ll come visit him one day.

Of course, Yurio will probably forget about him and find love with another guy. If so, then great. That’s how it should have been from the start. They will have his blessing. As long as Yurio’s happy, then he is too.

Then again, maybe Yurio will be restrained and abused in an institution all her life and die in suffering. But if she survives, then she’ll certainly find happiness again. If she continues to suffer even still, then precisely because of the pain she’ll feel happiness whenever it stops for a while. When she dies after a life full of suffering, then he’ll go looking for her in the other world after his own death. He’s not sure whether the age difference will still be there after death and whether his ghost will have his limbs back, but should she still suffer, he’ll embrace her and calm her down with his well and tried “It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright”. He won’t run away even if he gets his legs back.

Maybe Yurio is now staying hidden at Shirou’s place. Shirou is a man of many secrets, after all, so maybe he was worried about Saburou being a pedophile and is trying to keep the girl away from him. Ha ha ha, what a strange thing to worry about. Better worry about yourself. About the possibility of getting into a third damn car accident and getting yourself injured yet again.

Or maybe Yurio is under the protection of the man who wore Okachi’s skin, who came to her help just like he helped Saburou. If that man was Jirou, then he should have his mother by his side, and Yurio will be fine being with them. But if so, then Saburou will have to try really hard to find her, as Jirou is wicked smart when it comes to hiding.

 There is hope. A lot of losses too, but Saburou thinks about his hope with happiness. To ensure his hope will prevail he didn’t have his limbs sewn back on, even though it’d be possible. If he let it happen, than maybe all the hope he had gained by giving up his limbs would vanish. You can only gain something by losing something. He’d lost some physical parts and gained something that doesn’t have a physical shape, and he’s fully satisfied with it. Trully happy, la la la, yeah! He can’t exactly dance from joy, but it’s not that important, oh yeah!

Having hidden the bodies of Kazuhiro, Youji and Yurio’s father as well as the bloody tools and his own limbs underground, Saburou now lives alone in the Natsukawa house. He meets ghosts sometimes, but he’s not afraid. He is strong. More than anything, he feels so clearly now that he’s alive. People told him to go die so often, and he himself wished to die so often, that the line between life and death grew faint and he felt like he was lost for so long, but he’s alright now.

Precisely because he thinks he is alive, he really is. Just like thinking that you love is the same as loving. Conversely, doubting your love makes it feel like a fake thing. If you don’t feel like you’re truly living, then you really aren’t. It’s as good as death. It seems everyone and Shirou especially were right when they told him that by not feeling alive, in a way he was already dead.

What Okachi said about the thin line was apparently true. You can’t see it well, but it’s there, and maybe you can spot it better using your feelings. Close your eyes, calm your breathing and look deep within yourself, and you will know what side you’re on.

Knowing that he’s firmly on the side of life, Saburou is going to be alright from now on. After all, he’s Natsukawa Saburou. The many hopes and dreams within him can only come true. Having lost his physical limbs, he will dance using the ones inside him up until the darkness is finally broken by dawn. Alone, but that’s alright. He finally likes himself. Giving up on things he hates, recognizing the beloved things in himself.

No matter what, he’ll always be Saburou. Saburou, Saburou, ha ha ha, Saburou, Dubi-Duba. Yeahhhhh!