#therealpigfarts23

[spiritofcamelot]

Either 🎢 or 💞 for the emoji writer ask, please, if either interest you!

Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

Oh that's a good question. If we're talking wild like craziest crack fic, that's gotta be "I'll be your Armor in the Battle" wherein Merlin discovers he can use his magic to become inanimate objects and drive Arthur crazy at the same time.

But if we're talking fic where you absolutely never know what to expect on the next page, then it is undoubtably "A Very Bond Musical" which is a musical parody of Spectre co-written with @1amvengeance @opalescentgold @therealpigfarts23 and @svengooliecat

You should obviously read both of these. I love them so much.

Who’s your comfort character?

Merlin. I love the magic, the secret identity, all the friendship, and the bamf moments. I love reading about it, I love writing it, and I love the fact that there's a long history of people over the centuries sharing stories about Camelot.

[omgkatsudonplease]

Hey I loved your fic beside the dancing sea! Just wondering if Torvill Cove is based on a real place??

wow it has been years since i got this i am so sorry it took me this long to get back! torvill cove is not based off of a real place -- it is an amalgamation of various places in the uk from maillaig and portree in scotland to sussex downs and hope cove/salcombe in england!

[somedrunkpirate]

2,3,22,23,44,46 :) ) ) ) ) ) )

2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come?My most recent fic is a wip that still posting, The Golden Ocean. I think it’s a marker of my progress that I can be really proud of it despite it having very little activity compared to the first fic in the series. I know its good writing, I really love the story, and yeah its sad that the fandom has become smaller in the time that it took me to write it, but ey that makes the people who still come around to read it an even closer group of friends

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?I have no idea honestly. I think there are a few I’m proud of now that I reread them with some distance, such as Toska. On The Matter Of Touch is one I’m really proud of as well, but the response to it is something I’ll probably never experience again which is a little bittersweet. I think The Golden Ocean is so far one of my best works just because I took so much damn time for it, it’s basically an original fic at this point, and I’m really proud of that. Drowning Deep of course was my first big fic ever and I still really love it for that, though I do know my writing chops have been growing ever since. 

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?oof yeah, @the-moon-loves-the-sea recced On The Matter Of Touch which started the whole onslaught of readers in the first place, and her blog is an oasis of calm and rest (and positive sapphic joy) so that meant a lot. And @lvslie commented on the fic too which was awesome because I absolutely adore their pacific rim works and the art! Ugh. Amazing. 

23. What’s the nicest review you’ve ever gotten?I’ve honestly had so many amazing comments and I’m sick as fuck atm so I can’t remember any specifics. But there were a few that told me that my descriptions of mental health issues helped them out, or another that they would love to buy original work if I had any. Just, lovely. 

44. Do you follow/favorite/kudos/comment/review more stories than you have received?I have this bad habit that when I write a lot, I don’t really read much, but it took me three years of reading fic before I started writing them so I guess there are a few more kudos still lmao. 

46. Do you consider yourself a diverse author?I guess it depends on what I compare myself too? Like I know that I could be writing even more diversely, but it’s kind of the stupid nature of fanfic. There is so little canon with 3d characters that are more diverse, never mind two to ship, and I used to spend a lot of time feeling guilty about that, but honestly I write to have fun and hopefully I’ll come across a f/f ship in a canon I actually feel inspired to write about, instead of feeling like I have to write the whole ass story completely myself because the writers don’t know how to write women. But compared to ‘mainstream stories’, my writing is sooo diverse, not only queer but also filled with mental health issues and recovery and stuff like that. So atm I just write what I wanna write and don’t try to feel like I personally have to fix everything that is wrong with the entertainment industry. 

woopwhoop im still awake, thank uu

[inceptionpositivity]

@therealpigfarts23 - Autumn is so sweet and friendly and cracky, and her love for Canada knows no bounds!!! Thanks for always being so awesome <3

[ayrtonwilbury]

when you have to realize that there are people out there who like the anaheim ducks. 

[10moonymhrivertam]

therealpigfarts23 replied to your post “g4ywater replied to your post: Sherlock receives a...”

I'M HERE TO PROTEST YOU INFLICTING SUFFERING ON MY LOVELY WIFE LUCY FUCKING FIGHT ME MOONY

LUCY REALLY IS LOVELY AND I’M SORRY TO INFLICT SUFFERING

IT MUST BE SHARED THO

U WANNA FIGHT GRAB A FORK I CHALLENGE YOU TO A POUTINE EATING CONTEST

[you-had-me-at-e-flat-major]

Hey i'm looking for good solo violin pieces that would work for competitions. Got any recommendations?

sibelius ;))))))))))))))))

[that-is-vexing]

BOND/Q COLLEGE AU!!!

HERE HAVE A WHOLE SET OF ONE-SHOTS THAT I WROTE FOREVER AGO THAT ISN’T FINISHED YET!!!!!!

But actually, I can also share part of the next oneshot with you guys:

“So this is where you grew up?”

“Yeah.”

Q stared out at the view, entranced. James snuck a glance athim and smiled slightly.

“We can go hiking tomorrow, if you want,” he offeredoffhandedly. “We are gonna be here several days. Did you bring your boots?”

“Mm-hm. Can we really?”

“Yeah. I’ll show you all the best hiding places.” He shot Qa grin as they approached a rusting, run-down gate. “I used to playhide-and-seek with Kincade for hours. Of course, he called it “trying to catchthat bloody bairn in time for dinner”, but that’s because he didn’t like me forthe first four years of my life.”

“What! I don’t believe you,” Q chuckled, punching James’shoulder lightly.

“It’s true, I was an unholy terror when…” James trailed off,as they pulled up to the house, and his expression became closed. Q stared,slightly disturbed by how quickly his friend had shut down. But then James wasunbuckling and climbing out of the car. Q followed, swinging his rucksack up onto his shoulder. He had his laptop with him, as well as his new and improvedportable solar panel for recharging the battery. He was going to work on vacation; as R, they needed him almost as muchas they needed Uncle Boothroyd. He’d just do it between hikes and explorations.

“James!”

An older man with a graying beard stepped around the cornerof the house—manor, really—and beamed. James laughed and strode to him.“Kincade! It’s been too long!”

“That it has,” Kincade chuckled, and shifted his shotgun outof the way so he could exchange a hug with James. Then Kincade’s eye fell on Q,still standing awkwardly by the car, and his grin turned sly. “And you must bethe Q he wrote about in his letters,” the old man greeted him.

“Yes, I am,” Q answered, with an amused glance at James; hewrote letters? And they included Q? James looked a bit pink, but he had hismost pleasant poker-face on. He must be very embarrassed indeed. “Pleased tomeet you, Mr. Kincade.”

“Just Kincade to any friend of James’. Come on, both of you,let’s get to my house. This place is too dreary today.”

James went with him gladly, so Q did, too.

James and Kincade chatted comfortably about the contents ofJames’ letters and the few interesting things that had happened to Kincade, andQ listened with half an ear, admiring the landscape and looking often at themanor. Then they turned away from it, and James suddenly pulled Q into theconversation.

“Hey, Q, why was Eve so excited about her motorcycle, I’veforgotten.”

“Liar,” Q sighed, “You never forget anything related to hermotorcycle. I modified it so it was quieter, but it’s got a few extrahorsepower,” he told Kincade, who did seem a little interested. “I also helpedher paint it, so now it’s matte black. She’s… very grateful.”

“She said she’d buy him ice cream every day for ten years,even though he’s the most expensive of our lot,” James elaborated, and laughedas Q made to kick him and missed.

“It’s not my fault all the good ice cream is expensive!”

“Yeah, but it’s your fault you’re so picky when it comes todessert and nothing else.”

“Picky? Who’s the one who won’t eat Ferrer Roche becausethey look like poop pebbles?”

“They do, though!”

They bickered back and forth for a while about sweets until Jamessuddenly turned on Kincade and demanded to know his opinion, and that set off atotally new tangent with all three of them arguing whether sours were better.

Kincade’s cottage was a cozy affair, and Q liked it at once.There was only one bedroom, but the big room that was sitting room, kitchen,library, and dining room all in one had a fireplace, within which danced a small,cheerful blaze, and the rug before the hearth was thick and soft. Q wouldn’tmind camping out here. In fact, James went right to the fire and dumped hissleeping bag and backpack next to it, on the opposite side from the stack offirewood. Q followed his example, looking around with interest. He sawelectrical appliances, though they were few, and a tall floor-lamp beside anold padded rocking chair. Most of the light came from the opened shutters,though. There was another chair, an armchair, that looked comfy and well-used.James immediately flopped into that.

Q found he was shivering, and drifted closer to the fire.There was nowhere else to sit, and he knew the rocking chair must be Kincade’s,so he settled cross-legged near the hearth with his back to the fire and soakedup the warmth.

“This is a very nice home you have,” he told Kincade, as thegroundskeeper settled into the rocking chair.

“Thank you, lad,” Kincade answered comfortably. “I hear youlike hikin’.”

“I’m out of practice, but yes. I used to think I was goingto be an artist—trying to draw landscapes and the like—but coding is an art,too.”

“I’ll take your word for it. I’ve never touched a computer.”

“Never?” Q’s eyes widened and he knew he looked unhealthily stunned.“Everyone’s used a computer theseday, even if it was for only one game of Solitaire!”

“Never had reason to,” Kincade replied, smiling indulgently.Q wondered what he must think of Q. What James’ letters had made him out to be.But he couldn’t just come right out and ask, now, could he? So he just shookhis head in wonder. Even the oldest nanas and grandads he knew had at least tried a computer.

But that wasn’t why they were here. So he asked, “Are theretrails near here?”

“Afraid not,” Kincade answered. “You’ll have to make duewith James’ bad memory.”

“My memory’s not thatbad!” James objected, rolling his eyes. Q smiled. James had the best memory Qknew of; it was just that he rarely used it for anything except studying. “Iremember everywhere I fell down.”

Kincade’s chuckle was a warm, bear’s rumble of a laugh. “Aslong as ye don’t toss him down a slope.”

Q’s smile widened. “I’ve been taking several self-defenseclasses. I believe I can dodge if he tries anything.”

They continued to chat, and then Kincade asked if they’d haddinner yet. When they answered in the negative, he stood and told James, “You’dbetter not have forgotten how to shoot a rifle, lad. We’re off for some supper.Have you ever shot anything?” Kincade asked Q.

Q nodded, then clarified reluctantly, “Only paper targets,though. And I’m only proficient with handguns.”

“I’ll be teaching you to shoot, then, while you’re here,”the groundskeeper decided firmly. “Come along, James. Will you be coming too?”

“No, I’ll only get in the way. May I set up my laptop?” Qasked, gesturing to his laptop case.

“Of course. We won’t be long.”

~

James was proud that he hadn’t lost any aim. Of course, onceQ had gotten him a visitor’s pass, Eve had taken to dragging James to the MI6shooting range every other day, and James had been able to polish up. Now heshowed off by bagging the rabbit before Kincade could see it. Kincade raised aneyebrow, and James flushed.

“You forgot to mention that in your letters,” the groundskeepercommented, striding over to fetch the bunny. James followed, eyeing the groundwarily. Kincade could navigate the area blindfolded at night, but it had beenyears since James was here.

“Mention what?” he asked.

“That you’ve been keepin’ up your shooting,” Kincadeelaborated blandly. Then, because he was a cruel, cruel man, he added, “And youforgot to mention that you fancy your roommate.”

James slipped then and almost fell, but caught himselfquickly. “I do not!” he snapped, buthe could feel his face and neck turn a fiery red.

“No need to hide it from me, lad,” Kincade chuckled. “Iwon’t tell.”

But there was a secretive glint in his eye, and it madeJames uneasy.

When they returned to the cottage, it was to find Q on theroof, affixing something to the peak.

“Oh, James, Kincade!” he greeted them cheerfully, and Jamescould hear the tremor in his voice. He’d picked up speed before he could think,until he was climbing up the ladder quickly, shotgun left leaning against thewall of the cottage. “So glad you’re here. I seem to be stuck. I thought I’d befine—it’s only one storey—so I should be alright, shouldn’t I?”

“You’re a dolt,” James scolded, but his tone was moreanxious than angry as he crawled up the roof to where Q sat. Tension wasvisible in every line of Q’s body, and he was trembling. “Come here, I’ll helpyou down. Come on. I’ve got you. It’s gonna be fine.”

Murmuring soothingly, James coaxed Q into slithering more orless into James’ arms, and then helped him back up until their feet stuck out overthe edge of the roof. James went first, and guided Q’s feet down. When Q wasactually on the ladder, he lost some of his tension; but James kept close,blocking the other in with his body so he wouldn’t fall, even though really itwasn’t at all that far to the ground.

As soon as they were standing on solid ground again, though,Q gasped and exclaimed, “The wiring! I forgot the wiring! It’s my solar panel,I was going to see if it works here, but I didn’t do anything about thewiring!”

“We’ll do it tomorrow,” James promised, wrapping his armaround Q’s shoulders. “For now, we have some rabbit for dinner. Let’s getinside. It gets dark early around here.”

~

Q didn’t prefer rabbit, but Kincade was an excellent cook,and Q ate two helpings. Kincade tried to convince him to take another—“Skinnyas you are, you could use some more meat on your bones.”—but Q politelydeclined, and instead withdrew to the hearth to fiddle with his laptop. Jamesmurmured to be excused and went over to sit on the floor next to Q, leaningback on his hands.

“What’re you up to now?” James asked in a murmur.

“Nothing much,” Q answered absently, “Just commandeering asatellite so I can get a decent internet connection.”

“You can do that?”

“I can do anything,” Q murmured without pride.

James smiled. Kincade saw, and smirked; Q didn’t, andtherefore was completely surprised when James wrapped an arm around hisshoulders.

“Can you get Netflix on that?” James inquired innocently.

“You just want to watch Sean Bean,” Q accused, butteasingly.

“Hell yes I do.”

So Q pulled up Netflix, and they watched a Sean Bean film.He didn’t notice how he leaned against James, nor how James seemed to watch Q morethan the movie. Kincade noticed, but since the younger men were facing awayfrom him, neither of them saw his sly looks.

Q did notice when James’ arm slid down from around Q’sshoulders to around his waist, hugging him closer still. Q almost went rigid inalarm—but James wasn’t looking at him, and anyway, wasn’t this something he’dlonged for? To actually be cuddled?

So, carefully, Q laid his head on James’ shoulder, and theycontinued watching.

When the film was over, Q didn’t want to move. He was warm,and comfortable, and James seemed reluctant to move as well. So Q quicklypulled up a show they’d been watching together for a while, just so he wouldn’thave to move away—and then the arm around his waist shifted, and James stood,his hand not quite brushing against Q’s back and the nape of his neck. Q lookedup, surprised, but James was turned to Kincade, asking, “Is it alright if we camphere? We have sleeping bags.”

“Isn’t anywhere else to sleep,” Kincade answered with ashrug, though his eyes twinkled and he smirked, as if he knew a secret. Qlooked up at James again, who seemed confused; and then all of a sudden heblushed and scowled, and Q stared, stunned. But James recovered quickly,stomping to their bags and wrestling free their sleeping bags. Q set his laptopaside and went to help.

By the time they had everything set out properly (with Qclosest to the fire), Q was yawning. James pointed imperiously; Q obedientlycrawled into his sleeping bag, set his laptop in sleep-mode, and snuggled downa little deeper. The sleeping bag was just worn enough to be comfortable, andjust new enough to be warm and fluffy. Someone plucked the glasses from hisface; he murmured a sleepy thank-you and closed his eyes. Within four breaths,he was out like a light.

He woke because an arm was settling over his waist. He couldtell by the stillness of the body pressed against his that the person the armbelonged to was still dead asleep. That made him smile, and he fell asleepagain, feeling warm and comfortable and, most importantly, safe.

[jaolika]

therealpigfarts23 replied to your chat “flatmate: *doesn't rinse dishes before washing them; proceeds to wash...”

EWWW THAT IS ??? ALL THE ADIRTY WATER??

...................yep

[a-forger-and-a-point-man]

therealpigfarts23 replied to your post

GOOD LUCK AND KICK ASS ON THE PROJECT

thank you! isn’t it past your bedtime young lady

[somedrunkpirate]

1-50 for the fanfic author meme!!!

whahahahaha i appreciate the attempt at distraction but I think I would legit die attempting this. My brain is a pudding. I’ll take this as being 1 and 50 lmao. 

1. My first fic was a little inception thing called Darling. I suppose I can reread it, I don’t hate it or anything, it is just clearly the start of my writing process lmao. 

50. Definitely a significant impact, definitely positive. Though there are also times where it stresses me the fuck out, but that’s more my problem with perfectionism than anything else. I met a ton of people through it, learned loads about myself, and its the only reason I picked writing back up again. 

if you wanna ask something here is the link, but all 50 of them might be too ambitious 

[saintlioncourt]

therealpigfarts23 replied to your post “for the letter thing - M!” therealpigfarts23

OOH SUNS THAT IS SO COOL

They are pretty cool! Thank you!!

[skygemspeaks]

therealpigfarts23 replied to your post “scarlet99 replied to your post “Sooooo foggy in Scarborough today ��...”

HOLY SHIT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO LIVES UP BY THE OSC?

It’s literally right down the street from me :3 Like a ten minute or so walk.

But because it’s so close, they used to take us there at least once a year in middle and high school so it’s kinda lost all its magic XDD

And dear lord, you would not imagine how horrible the Don Mills and Eglinton intersection is right now, ever since they started building that new subway station T^T Crazy traffic, and I have to pass through there every day for school and work, so it makes my commute really annoying :/

And apparently it’s gonna be like that for the next 3-4 years!!!

But hey, at least on the bright side there’s gonna be a new subway station within walking distance.

[actualyuuri]

this is kinda wierd BUT I READ A REALLY GOOD FIC CALLED Beside the Dancing Sea by lily_winterwood and MapleTreeway THAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ IF THEY HAVEN' T READ YET GO READ IT THIS TOOO

AHH YES IT’S ON MY TO-READ LIST AND SOUNDS AMAZING!!!! I love selkie fics hahaha it’s such an interesting concept u kno??? TY FOR TELLING ME AND YES EVERYBODY SHOULD READ THIS!

@omgkatsudonplease

[ayrtonwilbury]

dinner party

Squad goes to dinner at Mallory’s 

based off of this here 

“Don't you English know about driveways?” Felix demanded as they headed over to Mallory's house or dinner. James pushed the button and the car beeped to let them know it was locked.

“I thought you would enjoy the walk,” James stated and took Felix's hand.

“I can't believe that you, James Bond, of all people have made it to Mallory's dinner party on time,” Tanner announced.

“Tanner! Where's the wife?” James asked the other man while they walked to Mallory's house.

“Home with the kids, I'm afraid,” Tanner answered and nodded. “Felix.”

“Do you do this often? Going to the director's house for dinner?” Felix asked and held onto James's hand tightly.

“Actually this is the first,” Q answered, hand in hand with Moneypenny. “What kind of wine did you bring?”

“One of each,” James stated, holding the red wine while Felix had white. “And someday 'Penny, you're going to have to tell me how Q got you to date him.”

“I could ask the same thing to Felix about you,” Moneypenny stated.

“I like her,” Felix pointed out and James nudged him. Felix laughed and the five stood in front of Mallory's house.

“How is he able to afford a place in Kensington?” Tanner asked as they stared at the rustic house in front of them; it was almost sickening how quaint the house Mallory lived in was. All he needed to do was add a white picket fence and a couple of yapper dogs and he would be part of the posh British life.

“I could tell you how much he makes but you probably won't like it,” Q answered.

“I'd rather you didn't,” Tanner said and rang the doorbell.  As soon as the doorbell rang, a low bark was heard throughout the house. Through the small panes of glass, a large white blob smashed against the glass, causing the five to all jump.

“Gunner!” Mallory's voice hollered. “Down! Get back! Sit!”

Mallory opened the door and smiled at everyone. The five, however, stood in shock. Instead of the usual bespoke suits that Mallory wore at MI6, he was actually wearing jeans and a button up shirt, the sleeves rolled up neatly with what looked like splatters of sauce on his shirt.

“'Lo, sir,” Moneypenny said and held out the tupperware for him. “Q and I brought dessert; treacle tart.”

“Excellent!” Mallory said, happily. “Come in, come in. Don't mind the dog, he's going to be bothering you all. Sorry about your clothing, you'll have dog hair to bring home with you.”

In the other room, sat Gunner, a large Pyrenees that was panting hard. As soon as the door closed, Gunner made his way forward and said hello to everyone. When he got to James, Gunner's nose immediately went to James's crotch, and slobbered his pants.

“Christ!” James gasped out, his pants now wet with slobber.

“Guns!” Mallory sighed and looked at James apologetically. “Sorry, James. Down the hall and to the left, there's the loo.”

James nodded and pointed to Felix. “Mallory, you remember Felix, don't you?”

Mallory smiled and held out his hand. “Course I do, happy to see you here, Leiter.”

“Pleasure, sir,” Felix said.

“Come on, sit down, sit down, dinner's almost done,” Mallory moved to the kitchen as James went to the bathroom. The four made their way to the living room, where music played softly. Q and Moneypenny sat on the couch while Tanner and Felix stood, admiring the paintings and books Mallory owned.

“So do you feel threatened now that the dog claimed James, Felix?” Moneypenny teased when Mallory came over and handed them wine glasses and a bottle opener for the wine. Felix grunted and poured them all some of the red wine.

“I mean, I could go help James in the bathroom but I don't want to taint this magical place,” Felix said while Gunner sat next to him, panting heavily. Felix grinned and patted the dog on the head.

“If you don't act now, the fairies will probably take James away and leave you with nothing but his clothes,” Q said while Moneypenny giggled.

“That's not far, I haven't even begun to drink yet,” James answered and took Felix's wine glass from him.

As soon as James returned, Mallory ushered them into the dining room. The table was dark mahogany, with matching chairs all around it. Candles and a small centerpiece adorned the middle of the table for everyone to see.

“It smells lovely, sir,” Q said and smiled.

“Please, we aren't at work,” Mallory told everyone and set the pasta onto one of the many placeholders on the table. “Call me Gareth.”

“Yes sir-Gareth,” Q corrected. “Well, it smells wonderful.”

Everyone moved and began to fix their plates and sat down around the oval table. They laughed and joked about work and about their personal lives; easy and simple. Everyone was beginning to see that Mallory was an all right guy, normal just like the rest of them with a job that can probably cause a heart attack to anyone who didn't know about it's secrets. Mallory stood and left for the kitchen and returned to silence.

In Mallory's hand, he had a large piece of Parmesan cheese and a cheese grater. Everyone watched in silence as Mallory began to grate this large slice of cheese over his pasta. Felix watched, his mouth opened while James stared horrified. Tanner kept his head down while Q and Moneypenny hid their faces with their napkins. When Mallory finished, he looked up to five confused faces.

“Would anyone else like some cheese?”

[buildarocketboys]

Fanfic WIP game - "we"

unsurprisingly, yep! first instance of it in the JCS Much Ado fic is Judas yelling at Jesus via messaging about how ‘We shouldn’t even HAVE a leader!!!’