#these thoughts are a little disorganized so sorry if this doesnt make sense

[falmerbrook]

Today I had a thought (headcanon, au, addition to his character?) about Martin.

Imagine if he grew up rather anti-Empire, whether that be out of a genuine anti-Imperialist belief system, or just a more shallow fuck-the-man anti-authority attitude as a younger man (which you could even apply to his unhappiness for his studies with the Mages' Guild). Perhaps it starts out as a shallow version of it and turns into a genuine disdain for the structures present in the Empire as he ages and matures. He has that belief, but then is suddenly thrust into the role of Emperor, with no one else to fill the role and the threat of apocalypse if he doesn't. He's a good man, he'll do it for Tamriel, but it also represents everything he's against. I think it would add a bit more meaning to his sacrifice at the end. Not only is he sacrificing himself for the greater good, but he's also putting an end to the shitty divine right structure that keeps an Emperor in place.

[sollucets]

ok so. so i made it out of midnight museum e3 alive but im gonna have to do something normal and calming for a while now because oh fuck me too many moths even like skipping scenes and cringing away from the screen. im unwell. many disorganized thoughts go here

so i Was right about dome frankly. i mean the hints were there (jib dialogue last episode + the long time no rent thing from e1) but for me it was that hes too stupid to be a full person (sorry baby i love u). like saying ‘is this normal’ about resurrection and lit. just going with whatever happens to him and running headlong into stupid situations. he literally Only just woke up. he has no brain head empty hes just doing the One thing hes been told hes good at and useful for. oh no baby :( they really keep putting him through it every episode LMAO.

got a Lot more worried khatha this episode plus a bunch more face touching. and sitting by his bedside. tor is So good with those shiny eyes of pain like … i dont know how he does that but its incredible. his face. his little tsundere look away / posture adjustment when dome woke up like you didnt literally die for this man recently. they are getting gayer each episode. again ive established i dont care about “bl status” it doesnt matter to me if they kiss but boy its just so…. they HAVE to know what theyre doing with this

i really like this show i Would Not have put myself through this for less agh. i still almost quit multiple times

that opening flashback scene with triphob’s grandfather was really good. by the way. i love immortals i love immortality. i love the moon (showing up just barely in blurry flashbacks)

bright did fucking Great this episode. im not too familiar with him, mostly from f4 thailand bits but he was so fucking creepy!!!!! tragic little murdery sadboy. what a mess. the whole house invasion scene was Sooooooooo. augh. freaky. everything he did was fucked up

i have some…. thoughts…. about the girl in this episode, rin, and her agency / lack thereof honestly. combined with the bride’s “men writing her story” thing….. its. hmmm. but i’m not sure i’m equipped to express that properly without rewatching and frankly i dont know if im capable of rewatching this episode

if i turn my lizard brain off also the vampire moths are a great horror concept and they were very aesthetically cool to someone who does not have. a lifelong fear of those fucking things

also yeah ‘cycle of death and rebirth’ confirms the reincarnation thing but i’m thinking that not only did khatha enounter past life dome / “that person” / “chan” but also like. present life pre-memories dome? and that’s why he was surprised when dome didnt remember him. it wouldnt make sense for him to be surprised a reincarnation didnt remember him. they definitely met pre-wipe

v fun to learn that june is immortal too??? but like. frankly im still so confused about her lmao. she was an immortal museum worker before this?? but she became the bride?? but they all forgot her past but she remembers being immortal and the artifacts? but she has bride magic now??? dont get me wrong i like her a lot shes great for wisdom and being the only one nice to dome but hoo boy

ok. theres all the bits in no particular order

so. yeah!!!! yeah i was so proud of myself for being mostly chill with the first two episodes of murder and body horror but uh i was NOT good with this. gods fuck why moths

[cataclysmcrows]

I would like to hear more about Childe's eyes changing colors in response to using Foul Legacy and his Delusion. 👀

ah sorry it took me so long to reply to this!! i need to clear out my askbox haha

this IS a pretty self-indulgent headcanon, and my thoughts are a bit disorganized, but hopefully this’ll explain the rest of my ideas well enough!

(spoilers for the liyue archon quest, childe’s story quest, and childe’s backstory/lore ahead)

-on a very basic level. i like it when characters’ eyes glow or change color when they use their powers. im a simple man i see glowy eyes and go OOOO.

-the headcanon does extend to the other genshin characters partly! in my hc (though this IS partly canon for a lot of the characters) all the characters’ eye colors match up with the color of their element, and glow when they’re using their Visions. (also think the traveler’s eye color changing when they resonate with a different element is a cool concept!)

-childe is different from the rest of this headcanon because he’s not just a Vision holder--he also has a Delusion, and his Foul Legacy Transformation--both of which are powerful, dangerous, and destructive forces, unlike Visions

-it’s established that Delusions can be pretty dangerous, so i think itd be really interesting if using a Delusion enough would have visible effects on the user physically

-having one eye glow purple (in childe’s case) while using the Delusion as the other stays blue is a neat way of showing the two elements, Hydro and Electro, that childe has control over 

-however, in my hc, as soon as most Delusion users stop using the Delusion, their affected eye turns back to its natural color

-not childe though! because like i said, childe’s Delusion isn’t the only destructive power he uses. he also has Foul Legacy

-Foul Legacy is really interesting to me, because it’s something that comes directly from the Abyss--not from the archons or from humans

-Foul Legacy seems to be very destructive, despite being powerful--we can see how it puts childe through physical pain after using it. it’s established that if he overuses it, it could kill him

-which is why i think that overusing it, if not enough to kill him, would leave some sort of permanent visible mark on him

-so i went with his eye! since i had already decided that eye is affected by his delusion as well, i thought it would make sense for overuse of Foul Legacy to cause that eye to become permanently purple, instead of temporarily

-(also, just being in the abyss alone caused a slight change--ive seen it pointed out before that compared to the other characters, childe’s eyes are pretty dull, which was partially the inspiration for this hc. even his normal eye is duller than it should be and slightly tinted purple from his time in the abyss)

anyway, that’s the lore for the hc! other various thoughts include:

-his eye permanently turning purple happens at the end of his story quest, after using Foul Legacy to save teucer from the ruin guards. this makes a lot of sense, because it’s established that he hadn’t fully recovered from the last time he used Foul Legacy yet, so the overuse pushes him far enough that his eye permanently changes color

-he doesn’t realize that his eye changed permanently until maybe a day or two after the story quest, it comes as a bit of a shock to him

-he doesn’t want anyone to find out about it, either, especially not teucer, so he’s relieved that he managed to avoid letting teucer see it 

-i feel like he would partially see the eye color change as a sign of weakness

-he tries to hide it (one of my drawings had him wearing an eye patch) but obviously, that doesnt last a long time (i drew a little comic with zhongli finding out about it that i forgot to post and will probably post later!)

aaaand thats about it! sorry about how. long-winded and jumbled that was KFNSDJKHJSD, i just have a lot of thoughts! some of that was probably a bit inaccurate, a lot of the lore i know about the abyss and about delusions is secondhand knowledge from my friends! thank you for the ask, and again, sorry it took so long!

[be-the-spark-flyboy]

heyy congratulations💕✨!! can i actually have a (male) ship for all the fandoms (if not, just do oscar characters (you have immaculate taste in movies, by the way)). im an entp and my star sign is capricorn. im very all over the place with my thoughts and i like talking a lot. like i already know this request is gonna be super long just ‘cause i ramble (im glad tumblr doesnt have a character limit anymore). in fact, i’ll send this short part in first and then the rest so you can like hide it under the cut or something. im so sorry 😂

so, my ramblings are probably why im considered an extrovert even though i feel like i might be an introvert sometimes. in my free time, i really like trying new things. i have a lot of hobbies that i pick up and drop at random but ive always been really into music (i think im a pretty decent singer. not good enough to make a career but enough to surprise people during karaoke).

ok, i feel like i kind of have to say this because the biggest stereotype of entps is that we’re argumentative... but im not that. i try to be very openminded and i hear people’s arguments before deciding on a stance (a lot of times, my opinion changes every time i talk about the topic. unless the topic, itself, is dumb. then i’ll be comedically stubborn (cereal’s a fucking soup, ok?)) and i’m also weirdly sensitive to other people’s emotions and i try not to say stuff that i know will offend them. i do thoroughly enjoy correcting people though. and debates are still very fun for me... a lot of times i come off as enfp/infp because im very excited/bubbly (when im horny (all the time)) and im very caring with my friends/family but i did my research and im definitely entp. im hella disorganized and i hate commitment (once i like you, though, prepare for me to sacrifice my life for you).

im good with other people’s emotions but the part i struggle with is managing/expressing my own. ive been told by multiple people that im very cold, which always surprises me because i try to act really “out there” with friends. i never dont expect them to see through it. most of the times, though, im not sure what people think of me. i kind of have a lot of different personalities that just ~materialize~ when im talking to a different person (woo defense mechanisms). one thing people dont realize is that im sarcastic but only with people i like. oh... yeah, when i have a crush on someone, i like to tease them. but im also stupid so sometimes i end up offending them instead of being lighthearted like with my friends (sometimes, but rarely, i will go too far with my friends too. even when i try not to). its my way of trying to reach out to them and show them im cool but it painfully backfires every. single. time.

uhhh, last thing, im a switch but definitely more on the “bratty-sub” side than the dom side. sometimes i go full on sub (degrading, praise, worship, bondage, etc) and i come back from it and im super confused because did that just happen?? this is just for your consideration, but usually, i really like hate to love type situations because the whole like “arguing as flirting” thing is just 👏🏻🥵 but im also really into best friends to lovers because in real life, i usually wouldnt like someone romantically unless i could potentially see them as my best friend, platonically.

ok, so. i just stalked your ENTIRE page and i ship you with llewyn because youre really sweet (you deserve each and every follower, by the way. id die for you) and i feel like he needs that in his life. i also think maybe nathan(?) could work because he could learn a lot from you, emotionally. if not, i was thinking abel too. IDK. for starwars, poe because you seem just sane enough to stop him from like killing himself on accident because hes so dumb? also i could totally see you two as “arguing for a good amount of time before getting together” BUT i could also see “we were good friends before getting together” which- 😫😫 having to pick a scenario from my two favorite tropes for you and poe is a good sign for me. same reasoning for anakin. i think mando could also really appreciate your presence on his ship because youre kind and could take care of the child. for marvel, you lowkey could be really good with peter parker or scott lang (one of the soft, silly boys).

sorry for making this so long 😂

Thank you!! And don’t apologise it was an entertaining read🤣

---

MCU:

I ship you with...

Bucky Barnes 😎

It takes a while for Bucky to feel comfortable around you. He sees you with Sam often when you’re having one of your movie marathons or you’re just hanging out. He really wants to talk to you but he’s shy?? You find him attractive but then he is also intimidating.

Then Sam interferes and his solution is to set up a blind date for the two of you. It’s a little awkward in the beginning but you find his shyness endearing as hell. As time goes by, his true self shines through, you realise he is such a romantic and he always finds a way to sweep you off your feet. Horny all the time? He’s literally a super soldier so the stamina...

Star Wars:

I ship you with...

Finn🥰

Imagine, you always lean on each other to vent about things and gossip about other people. Rey is busy as hell and Poe is a dumbass (the the topic of the vent most of the time). Plus he’s General now so a distraction from all the work is very welcome and hence a lot of meet me outside i got a bottle of whisky texts from him. Eventually that turns to just hanging out because he wants to spend time with you.

He probably knows everything about you because he loves to listen to you ramble about anything and everything. Hence he’s one of the few people who you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. And then that turn to making out under the stars on a picnic mat and the rest is history.

Oscar Issac Characters:

I ship you with...

Nathan Bateman😈

It’s almost like you have a seventh sense to detect Nathan’s true emotions despite how much he tries to cover them up. He hates it. So he’s mean to you hence creating a vicious feedback loop of hatred. Queue 100k enimies to lovers slow burn But eventually things work out and Nathan learns to open up a tiny bit to you.

Bratty sub you say? Nathan loves a partner who bites back. Speaking of, on the rare occasion that the two of you show face in public, no one can stand to be around you two since you are always bickering. But trying to one up each other is just your love language.

[nenastrology]

Please talk about johnny joestar he is my favorite jojo character and your brain is huge

anon you are the only one i respect i swear to god im constantly thinking about him.. ok this is going under a cut out of respect for everyone who follows me who doesnt give a shit about jojo or part 7 and its gotten horrifically long im sorry

see this is where me actually liking part 1 and having rewatched the non hamon battle parts like 4 times finally pays off because i can mentally go into constant excruciating detail about like the ways part 1 is reimagined and like how they are both essentially the disfavored son in comparison to a brother but like jonathan is given a conflict that can directly contend with his family issues like he can punch dio and work that out hes given a perfectly laid out heroic quest to solve his turmoil and also confront if dio really is like better than him johnny is given no like easily narrative closure to those similar fears he could never like prove if he is better than his like very human extremely normal brother like he couldnt beat him in a race and like be like tee hee im the better horse racer or something and like side note jolynes definitely given the best version of the narrative conflict tying into familial and emotional issues that she like is both coming to terms with her relationship with her father while also like fighting a villain with ties to dio and like understanding what he went through and like she also like becoming her own self and reconciling with him all that shit ok back to johnny..

genuinely hes like the only jojo with a real arc… like id say jolyne and hermes are definitely like prototypes for characters experiencing um development and their past issues with their family and whatever like being part of how they grow and like become closer and trust each other but like johnny and gyro are the finally realized conclusion of araki being dragged into learning what character development is idk i really love johnnys entire journey that like he finally has somebody who gives a shit about him and he has like something he actually cares about that like ends up pulling him out of his aimlessness and he discovers how ruthless and driven he can be it drives me absolutely insane how nobody seems to um get his character that hes like some soft uwu boy when hes like absolutely one of the most ruthless and definitely the biggest asshole of all the jojos like god its sooo funny how like jonathan and dio its like dio has all the asshole energy and also they grew up together so theres reason for the animosity but johnny and diego have the same level of asshole energy and johnnys first reaction to seeing a dude who beat him at horse racing a few years ago like probably mortally wounded is just like hm he can die i really hate that guy but they barely know each other nobody gets it man…

but back to other things god im sorry i mean you know how disorganized i am you signed up for this sending me this ask jsd;dks; idk like god the fact that the fights actually became vehicles for character development forcing johnny and gyro to each face their own fears and like come to terms with what they truly value really gets me like johnny finally able to like go from idk needing to just be selfish out of survival instinct because everyone who had cared about him rejected him and like being forced to pick between the like thing he thought was giving his life meaning (the corpse parts) and gyro who was actually what was making the journey worthwhile and like he really for a moment thought he couldnt do it like didnt know if he had it in him at like his lowest point there and like he realizes hes far stronger than he thought he was and that he ultimately will do whatever he has to for the people he loves which like all really comes full circle with the lil flashback in part 8 showing johnnys death like that sugar mountain saying those who lose everything will ultimately gain everything well he does finally get the corpse back and in his possession and when he finally has it like its purely to use it to save his wife and son and like his sacrifice both tying back to jonathan and erina and like everything he learned in the course of sbr like ugh ;w; its sooo sad but ultimately like the perfect ending even if im gonna go like weep now..

im really saying things and going nowhere i havent even gotten back to his father oh my god i really love that like after hearing his father be proud of him like he literally just rides away and ultimately doesnt finish the race that like its this weird odd melancholy way of ending the whole thing like he idk stops when he needs to stop and has like found his own self worth apart from his fathers approval also hm its very weird i think later on how his disability is written that like literally some of the first things johnny says in the entire story is that him saying its the story of him learning to walk again is not in the literal sense but in the metaphorical sense but then by i guess convention that araki got too lazy to figure out how to make some of the later fights work and i guess because he hates metaphors that arent pounded into ur skull cuz i guess if u are making the stupid choice to read jojo u are stupid enough to need everything spelled out for u he decided he needed some other way to signify johnnys growth and its just very awkward and weird when like the whole story is him becoming more at peace with his past and everything that has happened to him its lazy and stupid and whatever ok i literally am like forcing myself to stop typing because im feeling the deep shame kick in because i dont think ive written this much about any character other than like yusuke or sasuke probably and i feel like the little spray bottle in the back of my mind that activates when i think too hard about jojo but like ok ive said my piece you may ask me more specific questions if u want me to elaborate.. whatever stan johnny joestar… this whole text wall was me coming to terms with him probably being my favorite jojo..

[tumblunni]

Misc thoughts of rambling development for my new yokai watch ocs family of hugs and sadness (blythe the Dimmy and amber the Gorgeous Ambassador)

* Amber was totally still Gorgeous Ambassador at heart even back when he was human. I feel like he probably dressed very plain and was very self concious for a long time, as well as also being poor as dirt so it wasnt really easy to be super fashion time. Perhaps the only way he was really able to be remotely flambouyant or pretty was just having a long ponytail that he was very proud of. It would have been easier to maintain a shorter hairstyle when you're struggling to even find somethibg to eat each day let alone a bath, but it just helped him hold on to a tiny bit of confidence. Even when he reincarnated as Gorgeous Ambassador he was still unconfident for a long time and it took all these centuries to fully embrace The Power Of Gorgeous. He was probably really shocked when he got his medal registered and heard his new yokai name, like uhh excuse me "must beautiful man who spreads beauty through the world with his smile" are you sure there hasnt been a mixup??? And nowadays he's become so happy with himself that he maybe dresses a little bit gaudy sometimes, but if you saw how he used to feel then you'd absolutely be cheering for him!

* he was probably worried that Blythe wouldn't recognise him when he finally managed to reunite with them, but i think the lil shadow ghost instantly knew it was their brother and ran straight into the biggest hug ever. "Im worried they'll think im all cringe and gaudy" NO UR LIL SIB IS IN AWE OF YOUR FASHION POWER AND HAPPY FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE

* I also think Amber would absolutely be proud of how much confidence Blythe has gained through travelling with the protagonist and co. Like "aaa the last time i saw you you were so tiny and shy!" "Yes, now i'm tall and shy!" "NUUUU STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN"

* basically they are absolutely Shyness Fam, and Amber just approaches his anxieties differently with over-the-top fake boasting about his greatness instead of being honest about how bad he feels. So thats why itd be so heartwarming to see him genuinely making progress and genuinely seeing good parts of himself. ALL THANKS TO THE INTERNATIONAL GORGEOUSNESS ASSOCIATION OF THE AFTERLIFE, YES *cheesy makeover ads fly by in the background*

* Dimmy's fave food is rice balls not just cos ninja monster = rice balls, but cos for Blythe specifically it brings back happy memories of backstory ninja Amber in ye olden days packing lunches of love for his tiny friend. He was always broke in between finding bountys to hunt, so he was never able to cook anything too fancy, but those simple meals became associated with childhood in Blythe's heart. All the times this big strong human swordsman would have a moment of gentleness and offer his last bit of food to a useless little yokai like them. ("No!! You're a valued part of the team!! And growing children need this more than i do!! Besides, i'm so tough i don't need to eat." *stands up for a minute and blacks out*)

* Since this backstory took place before thee yokai watch was invented, you cant technically say Amber was Blythe's previous watchholder but like.. He totally was? Same formula of being a human you partner with and then go around fighting/befriending other yokai. I like to think that maybe before yokai medals became the latest trend and they set up the whole official regulated medal registration process, yokai would still give their human friends some sort of token of their friendship but it was just less organised. Like imbuing their soul energy into all sorts of shit like This Leaf I Found or One Shoe. Which could be used in the same way to summon them but obv was less conveinient, haha! I'm thinking maybe Blythe's bond object was just a neat rock, cos they were so young and didnt really own anything else to gift to this human. Like all they had was the coal from the hearth in the house they used to haunt, but thatd be too crumbly so they dug through to find the sturdiest and prettiest rock and Amber was like straigjt up crying from how touched this whole thing made him. I WILL TREASURE THIS PEBBLE MY TINY MONSTER CHILD...

* oh but just to rub salt in the wound i think he couldnt find it again when he woke up floating over his own burned corpse in the wreckage of his final fateful battle. There uhh..wasnt much of himself left, let alone anything he was holding. Itd kinda have to be that way cos if it worked like a yokai medal itd mean Amber could have instantly reunited with his friend and cut out all of these years of sad backstory, alas

* ok but imagine the cute and sweet emotionalness of then being able to swap medals when they see each other again, and have an actual magical guarantee of never losing their family ever again.

* I feel like Amber only initially agreed to join the Gorgeous Association because he wanted to get a job in the yokai world and save up to buy a decent house and decent level of income so that there would be a hapoy home waiting for his child whenever he finally found them. He didnt really believe that he had the potential to be a fashion icon, he just went along with it as an employment opportunity in his weird new ghost life. But OH NO, accidental self confidence!! (We are all very proud of him)

* oh and the Gorgeous Association doesnt work 100% identical to the anime version, i just like the anime's general concept. I feel like Gorgeous Ambassador is indeed a yokai species and not just a title, its less 'you were chosen by random lottery' and more 'you were chosen by destiny'...? Shy people who have potential to be fashion icons just tend to end up becoming the shy-people-with-potential-to-become-fashion-icons yokai, aka this. And the Gorgeous Association takes responsibility for finding all new Gorgeouses and training them to use their new powers instead of just staying in their shyness. Its more of a self help club? Oh and also the membership is full of other types of fashion yokai too, its not just Gorgeous Ambassadors. Just its only Gorgeous Ambassadors that get visited by the president as soon as they die and given a special invitation to join. So basically interpreting Gorgeous Ambassador as more 'this yokai is named that cos its powers are about encouraging people to be more confident aka introducing them to the world of fashion'. And less the idea that all Gorgeous Ambassadors used to be a different type of yokai and you can only become one by being picked by the club lottery. And also that its just a costume with no actual powers?? That was funny in the anime but i prefer if they actually could inspirit people and make them more confident and stuff.

* I FEEL LIKE IM EXPLAINING THIS BADLY, SORRY! Ok so uhh like yknow some clubs are all exclusive entry "you are not this thing til you join"? Like you cant be a country club member til you join the country club, and the sense of comeraderie there is just all being rich enough to pay for membership rather than having anything in common. But then there's stuff like lgbt groups or mental health support groups where youre all already the same thing and thats WHY you join the club. Anime version had Gorgeous Association be a country club and Gorgeous Ambassador be just a membership name rather than a real yokai form. Which, again, was really funny but i feel like it only works in a more gag focused series like the anime. Here i'm interpreting it that you can just be born in the species Gorgeous Ambassador, same as any other yokai like jibanyan or whatever, and it actually does have its own special powers and stuff. And its just that the Gorgeous Association sends out invites to any newborn yokai that have fashion related powers. So not all Gorgeous Ambassadors actually join the Gorgeous Association. Oh and Kageusuo is the actual yokai species name for those unaffiliated ones. The anime seemed to say that kageusuo was an unrelated new yokai that isnt in the games, that was just invented to have a form that Gorgeous Ambassador had before he became Gorgeous Ambassador. But i have Other Ideas

* i'll make it a new bullet point cos im getting all disorganized now aaaa

* ok so Kageusuo (or my fanmade eng dub name Shamshade) is Gorgeous Ambassador. Same thing. Same species. Kageusuo is a yokai personifying the idea of a fashionable beautiful person who never reached their potential in life due to social anxiety/bullying. Like an 'ugly duckling' story. Their default form is this shadowy looking depressed dude because their power is that they drain shadows from people, vampire style. This makes you 'less overshadowed", so you become more confident and people notice your unique style! But kageusuo cant use its powers on itself, so a lot of them stay in this shy form forever and just continue repeating the same overshadowed life they have as a human. The fabulous form that Gorgeous Ambassador has in the games is just simply the same yokai dressing differently- a kageusuo that managed to conquer its anxieties from its past life and take steps to embrace its true self! But theyre not actually any different in terms of powers, theyre still shadow vampires and their power to make people fabulous is just them eating your shadow. It was something they could already do before they became fabulous themself, now theyre just confident enough to match their powers, yknow? And also unrelatedly there's a club called Gorgeous Association that this particular kageusuo joined, which personally helped him in his journey of self confidence so he goes by the nickname Gorgeous Ambassador to advertise it. (Which is even more nicknamed into Amber cos he thinks it sounds cute)

* WHY ARE MY HEADCANONS SO OVERCOMPLICATED AAAaa

* anyway just imagine a vampire movie but its a supermodel lurching out of the shadows groaning "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR ANXIETY" and then when he bites you you become more confident. This is a Good Concept so i will somehow find a way to use it, dammit!! *b movie music* "OH NO THE MONSTER GOT TERRY" *terry suddenly wearing applebottom jeans*

* also imagine all of that but also the dude is a weird samurai being all "wow the wonders of the future" about thos applebottom jeans

* why do all my headcanons start as angst and end up as nonsense like this

[dekiiru]

okay sorry it took so long for me to write and post this, but im home now and in the silence to be able to gather my thoughts and the peace to be able to write them down. a lot of this is me working through my own thoughts as i write it so im sorry its so long, but im still a little bit confused on how to feel about this, largely, i think, due to shock.

i had no clue about almost any of the stuff julie did or said to people. i knew of the miles thing to some extent (i didnt know why miles was uncomfortable with him, i only knew about the aftereffects) and i knew about the vague story surrounding why maddy, jay and marina didnt like him, although i had never actually spoken to them before.

my initial reaction to the callout was to get defensive, because that was someone i considered my friend and although somewhere i think i knew or had some inkling that he was like this, i chalked it up to mistakes and people jealous of his popularity because i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. but the more i read the callout (i never finished it, partially because i had to take screencaps of the posts and painstakingly slowly read through them because the nature of my work makes it very difficult to focus on things for more than a few seconds at a time and partially because by the time i stopped, i had already made my decision regarding him) the more i realized that defending his actions isnt something i can, should, or would do.

and regarding the “sc/hool sho/oter” post, i live in america. in fact, i lived about 5-15 minutes away from where one of these sc/hool sho/otings happened (i lived for several years in roseburg, oregon, and the sh/ooting at u.c.c. happened a year or two after i moved to where i live now). i knew people who went there. i knew one person who died. the day it happened i broke down in the middle of marching band because i had no idea whether or not the friends i knew for three years were alive or dead and that fucking terrified me. and when it happened, i told julie over discord (because i was working when i heard about it) that i did not condone his actions or words and that it was wrong of him to say, but (and i still stand by this), it is not the place of anyone who was not even indirectly affected by a shooting to decide whether or not someone is worthy of redemption. no, julie should not have reblogged that post and while it is totally fine for you to be uncomfortable to interact with him because of it, i think only people who have been directly affected by sc/hool shoo/tings have the right to decide if he is worthy of forgiveness - for that. the rest of it is a different matter.

a few months ago i actually went through this with someone else. i wrote a callout post for daisy, a mercy blog in the overwatch fandom who deleted shortly after i wrote it. (if any of you want to see that callout, let me know and ill send it to you. i will admit here and now that there was something i shouldnt have added in there, but it was added with good intentions, but regardless, daisy’s callout really has nothing to do with the situation with julie and nothing to do with what is happening now. shes gone. im just making a connection to this situation.) it was a very similar situation; manipulation, hypocrisy, turning people against others, saving face and caring more about reputation than anything else. and while i was absolutely terrified of daisy’s situation happening again, where i get really really close with someone and then find out they manipulated the fuck out of me, i was also scared to lose friends, and i think thats a big part of why i wanted so badly to match or whatever, because i really really really wanted a place to belong, where i felt special and unique and yet part of a group and in the end that really fucked me over and made me blind to what was happening. i defended him (albeit not for long, ive only spoken to him for a few months now) for things i shouldnt have defended him for because i was terrified of losing people and im so sorry about that.

as for the callout itself: i will say that i do think there are two sides to every story. im not saying julie is a victim in this or that he is to be sympathized with, because at the end of the day, he hurt a lot of people and its good that the word was spread before more people got hurt. i dont agree that it is “a cis persons responsibility to make sure people know they are cis” because that kind of mindset will only lead to a witch hunt, but im not going to make a fuss about this because i know some other genderqueer people are more uncomfortable about cis people than i am and at the end of the day that is a personal opinion. i think some of the callout was worded with bias which probably, in some situations, did slightly twist the truth, ONLY because it is a callout and it is really difficult not to twist the truth in them even when they are written as formally as possible, HOWEVER while most of the time i disregard callouts (because a lot of them are written entirely based on personal bias because someone doesnt like someone else rather than on an actual need for people to be warned), this one was written very eloquently and very well. as someone who has been on that side of things, im really really proud of the people who contributed to it, especially those that werent afraid of giving their names out, because that is a really really hard thing to do, especially when its for someone really popular. i remember when i wrote one for daisy, i was almost sick to my stomach with the anxiety, and really pleasantly surprised when it was received much better than i expected. i am really proud of you guys, and thank you for letting me and everyone else know the truth of what happened.

however, that callout was not an attack, nor was it intended to be, and by people sending julie hate, youre just making the situation worse. i believe, in my personal opinion, that the best thing to do is to block and move on. we can come together as a community, and while julies actions wont go away, hopefully we can heal and understand from them. and i really want to thank manny for that post, because similarly to daisy, it is the people closest to the person in question who are left most in the dark. as julies friend, i had no idea about almost anything that was there and honestly, im glad now that i do. thank you for understanding that the people who associated with him are not always aware of what he did.

anyway this is really disorganized and im sorry, thats just my thoughts on the matter (as much as i can think anyway), and i hope it makes some sort of sense. i will be hardblocking julie on all of my blogs and changing the urls to both my izuku blog and my ouma blog and my icon for this blog. if you choose to continue to interact with julie, thats on you and i wont reprimand you, block you or unfollow you for it. please do not associate me with him anymore, though, add me to any groups anywhere with him, or tag me and him in the same posts.

and, as i said before, because i really want to get this point across, if you are uncomfortable with me because i interacted with him so much and so intimately and wish to hard or softblock or unfollow me, that is perfectly fine and i understand completely. i only ask if you softblock me that you let me know so that i dont accidentally follow you again, because i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence.

[teufortyaoi]

uniiversaalrerum replied to your post “who wants to hear my essay on how spirit albarn was emotionally (and...”

do tell

alright so sorry if this is disorganized i swear ive thought this out, and also this involves a lot of speculation considering we never see kami (i know that’s not actually her name and it’s a translation error but im just gonnna use it) but i think that itself is a clue, anyway--

let’s start with the fact that spirit has a need to please. we mostly see this with maka, considering she is his daughter and she kinda despises him. but i think we can also see this after the eve party nightmare arc, when he’s cleaning the hell out of everything to please shinigami. sure, it’s again driven by maka, but he still wants desperately to please.

and actually, let’s talk about that, too. why was he so sure that he would be sent away? consider that we know he’s death’s most powerful scythe. it’s said several times in canon. so why would he be sent away over making a mistake about where to go? if you think about what he knew when the lock was coming down, he made the right choice. he had no idea when death would be able to leave, he just knew medusa was a witch and she was escaping and stein and the kids were being jettisoned out of there to probably fight her

he made the only choice that made sense. chasing the witch.

and death would know this. so why was spirit so sure that he was going to be sent away from the city and his daughter? because of insecurity, and he had been shown that mistakes bring the ultimate punishment: loss of contact with maka

the only reason spirit sees maka as often as he does is because she goes to the school he works at. but we know how loving and devoted a father he is (if a little silly and overprotective). so why did kami get full custody? because the justice system always sides with women, no matter if they are the better parent or not. and what did kami do with that full custody?

she left

immediately

in fact, she might have already been gone while judges were deciding that somehow she was the more responsible parent. because the series starts just after the divorce was finalized, but from how maka acts when she gets a postcard, her mother has already been gone for months. what kind of parent leaves their child alone when theyre in the middle of a divorce?

and yes, kami is a meister, so maybe she was away on important meister business. but still, wouldnt the very recent divorce at least earn a visit home? or a phone call? in fact, what parent stays away for months at a time, doing a dangerous job, and knowing that their child is doing the same dangerous job, would not constantly call for check ups? what parent just sends a postcard every few months, with no other word of “hey maka, how have you been?”

you cant deny that, objectively, spirit would have been more responsible. yes, he’s an alcoholic--but he’s an alcoholic because of the divorce, because he has no custody of maka. he’s right there in the city, to support her. but because he has no custody, he barely has the chance to rebuild a relationship with the most important thing in his life. even if kami hated him for cheating, she would know how good of a father he is. so why did she take custody?

spite and punishment

she hates him for cheating. which, is warranted. but she also hates him for getting out of his control. here’s where it gets pretty speculative, but stick with me. we know they had maka when spirit was ~18. they probably found out about the pregnancy when he was 17. which is fucking terrifying in the first place, adding onto the fact theyre in the middle of a dangerous war, and we dont know if spirit was a deathscythe by this time. either way, terrifying. they dont know what to do. so they get married. and we can all agree 18 is too young to get married, right? so already at a young age, spirit was tied down to kami through pregnancy and marriage (and her to him)

consider again spirit’s irrational urge to please, and his belief that mistakes will cause him to lose maka. i think that kami would use maka against him. if he did something she didnt like, she’d remind him that they were married, he had a responsibility to them, if he didnt do what she said he wouldn't be seeing maka again. (she’d also kami chop him, which i think arguably could be said is physical abuse, but idk since it’s played as comedy within the series. interpret as u will). she wanted him under her thumb, because she was his meister and he was her weapon, and meisters control their weapons

i also think she was turning maka against him. we know from pictures and flashbacks that spirit was a doting father. he loved her more than anything. but ask maka, and all she can remember is the cheating. which is valid, but it seems like she completely ignores the good memories. i think all this was reinforced by her mother, that her father is awful and doesnt love them

now i know this is all conjecture, but consider maka. we know her personality is a lot like kami’s. spirit says so. so,we can kind of infer kami’s personality through hers. let’s go down the list. stubborn, confident, strong, temperamental. consider how her and soul get along at the start of the series. they fight constantly. soul gets maka chopped pretty frequently. consider the fact that soul and spirit are actually a lot alike. laid back, kinda emotional, obsessed with a certain image (cool, flirty). i think we can infer spirit and kami’s relationship from maka and soul’s. and i think that shows a lot

consider if soul and maka hadnt improved their relationship. consider if suddenly they had a kid and had to get married. consider if soul was just a little less stubborn and a little more submissive (and a little more like spirit)

what you’ve got there is an undeniably toxic relationship

now, to address the cheating. it wasnt right, no matter what, it was especially awful that maka saw. but i dont think that changes the fact that spirit was cheating to feel loved. if kami was like i say she is--if she was controlling, and belittling, and using maka against him. do you think he’d feel loved? not at all. so what does he turn to? the only thing that he can think of, that will make him feel loved: sex and women. kami didnt provide him the support he needed. he was already emotionally unstable bc of stein and his whole deal. kami should have been understanding, patient, loving. instead she kami chopped him into a shape she liked

spirit turned to cheating bc sex was the only thing that made him feel like he was wanted. and kami--kami didnt like losing control. so she punished him the best way she could: taking maka

in conclusion, spirit is insecure and afraid of rejection and losing his daughter because his exwife took custody just to make him feel like shit bc he left her control, thanks for coming to my tedtalk and im sorry this is so long

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all