#they are maybe late 20s/early 30s here I wanted to experiment a bit

[myokk]

Sebastian had a few days leave from duty so he visited Eloise😇😇

[loliwrites]

The One You Need | one

🎶 I spent most my life thinkin' love was out of reach, so maybe just this once, you could be the one I need, if you let me be the one you need 🎶

Pairing: neighbor!joel miller x f!reader  Rating: explicit, 18+ minors dni  Summary: when you move into town hellbent on keeping everyone at an arm’s length, your neighbor Joel finds his way into your life. Warnings/Tags: au, neighbor joel, age gap [reader is late 20s/early 30s, Joel is late 40s], slow burn [ish], hyper-independent reader, a bit of a misandrist mindset [boys are problems], mentions of family drama/turmoil, passing mention of death [elderly neighbor], brief non-violent use of a pocket knife, mention of stabbing [as self-defense], furniture building, reader described as female, hair long enough to tie up, no other physical descriptions, eventual smut, protective!joel, soft!joel, no use of y/n. Word Count: 4.6k Series Masterlist | part two a/n: this is my first time writing with this sort of format so pls be gentle. i’ve done my best to tag as thoroughly as possible, but if you think i’ve missed something, let me know. i have no outline for this. but i’ve got a whim and a direction and i’m going with it. **please read the warnings/tags for every part as they will be updated**

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You’d done it. Finally. No one ever thought you would, including you. And yet, here you were, lugging your sparse personal belongings out of the back of a U-Haul truck and in through the front door of your new home. And for once in your adult life, it wasn’t in some impersonal apartment building or complex. It was a house. In a town that was actually affordable, though it was further from home than you might’ve preferred. A town that was away from family, which had been the impetus, but also away from friends, which hadn’t been. 

There was a perk to this being the first house you’d ever moved into. Being confined to seven hundred square feet had meant there was only so much room to fill. And it had all been cozy. But now there was a bit more space to work with. Not to say this house was large by any stretch of the imagination – it was on the smaller side of all the houses in the neighborhood – but you had rooms now. And as you loaded in different boxes and suitcases full of clothes and books, you realized how much of the space was going to be left empty. With the exception of a mattress, bed frame, dresser, a couple chairs, and bookcases, you left every other large piece of furniture behind. Couches, dining table, kitchen chairs, media console, TV… you planned on buying all of that in town. You only wanted to bring what you felt you could move yourself. 

It was the season of life you were in. Young enough for people to say you had time before focusing on creating a family for yourself, but not young enough to avoid their awkward and worried glances when you told them you were only focused on your career. It was odd; never something that settled right. With each birthday, every time a candle was added, the world around you seemed less secure with your aloneness. As if you, a single female, were something of a threat to the rest of the world. Your solitude, an act of rebellion. God forbid you didn’t have a man to look after you. In your experience, boys didn’t do too good a job at much. Were they useful? Absolutely. You’d much rather delegate tasks to a boy than have to do them yourself. Mow the lawn, fix a creaky door, seal a drafty window, get you off… sure, there were any number of things a boy could do, but not only were they not necessary, you generally found you were better at any job than they were. That had been instilled in you long before you began dating. 

How many times had it been proven that dad could not be held accountable for his entire emotional spectrum? And instead you, a mere child, were to be responsible for it. Though it wasn’t always bad – somewhere deep down you knew your parents had done the absolute best they knew how to do with the tools they had – but the emotion dad was never short on was anger. Thus, it was the emotion he was most comfortable expressing. And yes, you apparently were the catalyst for all of his loud expressions of anger and rage. Everything was always conditional. I’m sorry but you did this… 

I love you but…

By the time dating had entered your life (which only happened post-college), let’s just say no therapist was surprised by the pattern of boys you chose to have in your life. All of them modeled the thing you were familiar with, which only served to imbed the quality you hated most about yourself. There was a tendency to accept any treatment a boy was willing to give you, without expressing needs or desires or even if there was a problem. Boundaries? Never heard of her. As far as boys were concerned, they seemed to have carte blanche over you. Your own resentment and anger would grow by the lack of your needs (which had never been verbally expressed) being met, until you’d had enough and cut them off. Every new relationship felt like a complete betrayal of yourself.

The highly independent and ‘don’t need a man’ personality quirk had strung a ribbon of apathy around your life. You liked to think of it that way. Like a Christmas bow around a present. Realizing you didn’t care about forming intimate relationships with men seemed a little less painful when given the image of a box neatly wrapped beneath a tree donning tinsel and colorful lights. It was at that point, while pondering your ribbon of apathy and clumsily shoving your mattress up the front porch steps, that a voice interrupted your progress.

“Lemme help ya’ with that, ma’am,”

The voice had arms. And those arms were simultaneously reaching for the same end of the mattress you already had hands on. Instinctively, you tugged your bed out of reach, “I got it.” But hands kept coming. They were insistent. Of course they were a man’s hands. A woman would’ve listened the first time. So with an extra strong tug and a tone that spat fire, you turned toward the owner of the hands and stood your ground, “I said, I got it!”

Dark brown eyes that almost looked black had the sun not been playing in their favor. They were soft. Gentle. Despite the fact that he’d just gotten yelled at. And those soft dark brown eyes… well they looked dumbfounded. Whether it was because of the volume of the statement or the fact that people generally didn’t turn down friendly help here in the South, he lifted his hands off the mattress and held them up innocently. 

The force with which your action had been committed meant that the moment he released  the bed, you went stumbling over, the entire thing thudding down on the porch. You shot him another icy glare as he slowly backed off the steps, though he remained in place and watched you crouch down to lift your mattress once again; the pad now harboring dirty stains.

“Can I help you with something in the truck?” He offered again. Unwanted persistence was a uniquely male quality.

“I don’t need your help, thanks. I got it,”

He watched for just a second longer at the image of you fumbling with the heavy mattress, barely able to keep it upright. Then he turned on his heels and went back from whence he came. Which you came to realize, when you looked over your shoulder to ensure he’d actually gone, was across the street and a few houses down. Fuck. Back in California, not too many people were neighborly but it wasn’t a point you were hoping to make. Especially not on the first day. There was a quaintness to the idea of a neighborhood full of people who liked and looked out for one another. You’d just hoped that would’ve come in the form of some old, opinionated woman sipping tea in a rocking chair on her front porch. The kind that maybe the kids were afraid of, but she was awesome. That’s when it came to mind that maybe that was the void in the neighborhood you were filling. You were to be the crotchety old woman, yelling at “those darn kids”. Fabulous.

Unfortunately (for no other reason than your own ego) you only got the mattress in through the threshold of the front door before it fell to the side and flopped back down to the floor. With a sigh and a thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad if it just lived there, you stepped over it and padded into the kitchen. Managed to place the boxes designated to the room in it, but had yet to unpack anything. You turned on the tap and tilted your head to the side, leaning in to take a sip of water directly from it. Only to find that upon turning off the tap and looking out the bay window by the sink, the man that had offered to help was visible from his yard. He wheeled out his trash and recycling bins to the curb. Resting his hands on his hips, he glanced around and took stock of the neighborhood. All seemed quiet and to his liking.

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Joel liked routine. Habit-forming had become a sort of habit. It meant he knew what his days looked like. It meant he was prepared. And after having been handed a life where being ill-prepared meant something was going wrong, there was great comfort in knowing how things were going to go day by day. Though he wasn’t rigid. He could include new things in his routine. For instance…

One morning he woke up, made his usual pot of coffee before work, and stood out on his porch. It’d be one of his only moments to slow down and actually notice the day. That’s when he noticed something new in his routine. A “For Sale” sign went up on Mrs. Wilson’s front lawn. Everyone in the neighborhood had been expecting it because, well, Mrs. Wilson had passed away. In her sleep one night. Joel thought that must’ve been the nicest way to go. And every morning, he’d go out on his porch and ponder Mrs. Wilson before carrying on with the rest of his routine. As such, he saw when it sold and went into escrow. He saw Mrs. Wilson’s son move out all of his mother’s old furniture until the place was left empty. Everything was routine. 

That is, until the U-Haul showed up this morning. It was a small one and he remembered thinking there was no way that little truck contained enough furniture to fill up that house. But he brushed it off, continued with his routine, and went off to work. Though he had to admit, he was wholly curious about the new neighbor he was about to inherit.

He left his jobsite early afternoon, his truck ambling back to his house when another neighbor waved him down to stop him.

“Hey, Mr. Cole,” Joel smiled at the elderly man. Mr. Cole had been the first one to greet Joel when he’d first moved into town. Mr. Cole knew everything going on in the neighborhood, courtesy of Mrs. Cole.

“You see that gal move into Mrs. Wilson’s house?”

Joel nodded, “saw that woman move in, yeah.”

“Mighty pretty,”

Joel chuckled, “surely not as pretty as Mrs. Cole,”

“I don’t know,”

Joel laughed a little harder. “I’ll see ya’ around. Stop snoopin’.”

He’d only just arrived back home and parked his truck in the driveway when he saw you struggling with the mattress. And his mama raised him better than that so he went to offer his help. There hadn’t been a fiber in his being that thought you’d snap back like you had. That’s why he tried a second time. And when the second snap was stronger than the first, he raised his hands and backed off.

Shit. Out-of-towners were getting meaner and meaner.

He meandered to his house and only looked back once, just in time to see the mattress fall to the floor just inside the front door. He smiled to himself and continued on with his routine as much as possible. Tomorrow was trash day which meant the bins needed to be brought out.  Simple enough task, just the way he liked it. He liked it even more when he spotted a glimpse of you looking at him through your kitchen window. 

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You forwent unpacking anything that day. It wasn’t worth it. Nothing you pulled out would truly have a place to live until you got the furniture situation handled. And seeing as though your bed was still in the entryway, you figured there were bigger problems to handle. But just by looking at the hallway, and the thin doorways, you knew you were going to have a hell of a time bending and twisting the mattress to your will… and the architecture. Grocery shopping proved to be more time-sensitive, and once the fridge was as fully stocked as your bank account would allow, it already started to feel more like home. Which also meant, the way you’d snapped at your neighbor started to bother you more. You had to live in this person’s realm – whatever that looked like. He was your neighbor, and short of literally becoming the crotchety old woman that never left her home, there wasn’t a way for you to avoid him altogether. He seemed to have a lot of friends on the block. That’s also when you decided to suck up to your pride. To apologize to this man who really didn’t deserve an apology at all. Whatever it took to just live in peace.

The more you thought about it, the more it angered you. That was pretty par for the course. It would’ve been more odd if a man wasn’t pissing you off. It was still running through your mind as you plucked a six-pack from your fridge and crossed the street in the direction of his house. You thought about how you were going to have to plaster a phony smile on your face and make niceties to this person who you didn’t want to get to know. You just wanted to live. And you thought you’d have more time. As you ascended his porch steps, you made for the front door, zeroed in on it.

“Hey,” 

The voice startled you, tripping over your own feet and stumbling, very nearly losing the six-pack of bottles to the wooden porch. You glanced over at him, and in the dim light his porch light gave off, watched him take an acoustic guitar out of his lap and set it beside his chair.

“Hi,” you mumbled and walked in his direction. “I’m your new neighbor,”

“I know. You yelled at me,”

You rolled your eyes, “I didn’t yell at you. I was just letting you know–”

“S’for me?”

You looked back down at him and noticed how he pointed at the six-pack of beer. “We got off on the wrong foot and I just want to live in peace and quiet so,” gesturing to the beer, “peace offering.” You handed the pack to him.

Joel cradled the cardboard sleeve in his lap and pulled out a bottle. “Want one?”

“No, thanks. I just came to drop them off,”

He flicked his eyes up and pulled out a second bottle. Then, setting the remaining bottles on the floor beside him, he twisted the first cap off. “S’not nice to yell at someone and then refuse their offer to share a drink,”

“I didn’t yell at you,”

“Sit down.”

And for whatever reason, you listened. In the past, had any man spoken to you like that, especially one you didn’t know from Adam, you’d’ve smacked him. But not this time. This time you sat in the chair perched next to his and awkwardly took the open beer from his hand when he passed it over to you.

The silence that ensued was tense and palpable. Neither willing to bend first. Joel kept his eyes focused on his beer bottle and you kept your focus on… him. Naturally suspicious and wary, you thought if you kept your gaze on him, you’d catch him before he did anything out of hand. But really all you noticed was the way his nose had a slight downward curve to it. And the way the graying hair at the back of his head curled along his neck. And the way his beard, also graying, came in in patches, but in the most endearing way. Wrinkles and worry lines had etched their way deep in his forehead. Crow’s feet found a home in the corners of his eyes. Both told you this was a man who had felt and lived a lot of life: the good and the bad. You thought you saw a small scar on his cheek just below his eye, but you couldn’t be sure. The man was middle-aged. His skin and hands gave the appearance he was a blue-collar, working man who’d spent his life in the beating sun.

“Get everything moved in?” He took a sip and eyed you, aware that you were nodding, but still the glance he gave you made you think he knew you were lying. Obviously you were.

“My bed is still by the front door,” you relented.

“Not where I’d recommend a bedroom be, but to each their own,”

“I can’t get it down the hallway by myself.” You tried to ignore that he seemed to light up at the admission. You? Needing his help? “It’s too narrow,”

“Want help?”

You looked at him almost incredulously. Had you treated California neighbors the way you treated them, you'd have been lucky if you didn’t find your car keyed the next day. But he was offering his help? Again?

“You’d help me after the way I yelled at you?”

He pursed his lips and shrugged. “You didn’t yell at me,” another smile flashed over his face and he looked over at you again.

You hated that it made you smile, too. Yet you waved him off. “That’s alright. I’ll figure out a way,”

Joel chuckled and shook his head, taking a pause before he downed another long sip of his beer.

“What?” You urged. 

“S’nothin’,'' he shook his head again with another grin. “Know you probably could figure out a way, but… s’just that you don’t need to. Why won’t you let me help you?”

You sucked in a deep breath, “look, I’m sure you’re a nice guy…” you trailed off realizing you didn’t know his name more than referring to him to yourself as that nosy neighbor guy.

He seemed to pick up on it and pointed to himself, “Joel. Miller,”

“But I don’t need a guy to get on with life, y’know? I’m a self-sufficient woman. I don’t need to rely on anyone but myself.”

Joel finished off his beer and stood up from his chair, “acceptin’ help when it’s offered isn’t relying on anyone else. It just makes life easier.” He started down the steps and crossed over his lawn.

“Where’re you going?!”

“To move your bed!”

Leaping up from your chair, you ran after him, in quick pursuit as he neared your home. You knew it was a wreck inside. Trash and boxes everywhere. Not ready for any visitors, even ones you didn’t want there in the first place. 

“Really! It’s alright.” When that didn’t stop him from advancing toward your house, you tried another path, “the bed frame’s not even put together!”

“Then I’ll put it together,” he said over his shoulder, nearly in your front yard now. 

You managed to lunge forward and grab onto his jacket sleeve, effectively stopping his advance. At least for the time being. “I don’t usually let men I don’t know into my home,”

“What?”

“You know… in case they’re crazy and kill me.”

Joel furrowed his eyebrows, utterly perplexed. He tried to make heads or tails of you as a whole and was having a hell of a time trying to do so. But he shoved his hand into the back pocket of his jeans and produced from it, a pocket knife. He unfolded it, which gave you some pause, but then he quickly held it out for you to take. You did, and as soon as the small weapon left his hand, he turned and continued toward your porch.

“Hey! What am I supposed to do with this?!”

“Stab me,”

“What?!”

He ascended the porch steps and waited at your front door, where you soon joined him. “If I do something weird, and you think I’m gonna kill you in your own house, you can stab me. Full permission,”

You looked down at the knife, and then back up at Joel. 

“Can you open your door?”

Gulping down nerves, “it’s unlocked.”

“Still,” Joel pressed a smile, “I’m not in the habit of letting myself into women’s homes. I’d prefer if you opened it and let me in.”

For the second time today, you found yourself doing something all because a man told you to do so and you wondered if the move was making you soft. Regardless, you reached past Joel, pressed down on the lever, and nudged the door open. It stopped short from opening all the way as it hit the edge of your mattress. Joel flicked his eyes at you, as if silently saying see, you need me.

He shimmied his way in, with you close behind, half-heartedly pointing the pocket knife in his direction. He bent over and picked the mattress up off the floor, seemingly with ease. Though you did hear his knees click when he crouched down, but due to his age, you thought better than to bring it to attention. Hell, even your knees creaked every now and again.

“I’ll go backwards and steer it. Think you can be the muscle?” He waited until you nodded and set the knife down, and gathered your hair in a messy bun on top of your head to keep it out of the way. Poised at the other end of the mattress, he lined it up for its plight down the hallway. “Alright, nice and easy,” he began to pull, feeling more frictionless movement as you began helping on the other end. It wasn’t too hard; more awkward than anything. But he guessed the mattress weighed as much as, if not more than, you, so by yourself it must’ve been like dragging dead weight around. “Easy, easy,” he murmured, tilting the mattress to the side to accommodate for the doorjamb, “that’s it. Take it slow,” he elongated the end of the word, completely focused on the side of the mattress as it brushed along the door. “We’re in,”

You helped him lean the mattress out of the way and against the wall. “Thanks for your help, Joel,” you backed up toward the door, hoping he’d follow you.

But he ignored you completely, and instead found the parts to your metal bed frame laying on the floor. He lowered himself to his knees and inspected it. “You got a Phillips head?”

“Joel…”

“S’gonna take me ten minutes. The longer you stall, the longer I’m gonna be here.”

He had a point. And a very good one at that. So you turned and all but ran down the hall, searching for the box you’d so astutely labeled as “tools”. A fear set in that the longer you were away, the more time Joel had to go through your belongings (albeit sparse). You didn’t want him getting too comfortable in your home, least of all in your bedroom. So you rushed, tore open the “tools” box, dug through it until you found the screwdriver, and then raced back down the hall as if you’d have time to catch him snooping. But as soon as you arrived back in your bedroom doorway, you didn’t find him snooping. You found him still on his knees, crawling around, laying the different parts out to make the square your bed would soon sit on. 

Joel smiled when he noticed you returned, and held his hand up to take the screwdriver from you. Only when he grabbed it, his face turned to horror and he grimaced at the pink floral design on the handle. “What’s this?”

“A screwdriver,”

“It’s got flowers on it,” he protested.

“It’s cute!”

He chuckled and started putting the bed frame together. “Y’know they charged you thirty percent more because they slapped flowers on it and marketed it toward women,”

You sat on the floor beside him and watched him work. “Well if I have to be the man in my life, my tools are gonna be a little more feminine,”

Joel glanced at you momentarily. Just long enough to question your statement, but not long enough for you to really notice he’d stopped working at all. “What about the actual man in your life?”

“Don’t have one. Don’t need one. I’ve got my floral tool set to prove it,”

A hum was the only acknowledgement Joel gave to that. As if that answered all his questions.

“What?”

“You talk a lot about how you don’t need anyone. I’m gatherin’ you actually only mean you don’t need a man. Which is fine and all, but s’just that that seems kinda lonely.” He set the screwdriver down and held the next two pieces together. “You remind me of me ten years ago. Stubborn. Determined to be alone.” He moved on to the next piece, “thing is… if you don’t need anyone, it also kind of implies that you’re not needed by anyone. And what good is life if you can’t give yourself to someone in that way?”

Jaw-dropped, you gathered yourself, eyes widening. “Wow, your wife must love having you as a husband,”

He smiled and chuckled, “I don’t have a wife.”

“So what do you know about giving yourself to someone and being needed?”

Joel flashed his eyes to you. Gentle and filled with love, “I have a daughter. Sarah. She’s in college now. She’s quite literally the best thing that’s ever happened in my life,”

“I wouldn’t have pegged you for a father,”

“‘Cause I look so young?” He grinned and tightened one final screw. With the frame now positioned where it needed to be, he stood up and went back to your mattress. You scooted out of the way as he single-handedly maneuvered it onto the frame and adjusted it until it was just perfect. “Check it off the to-do list. Now you can get a good night’s sleep,”

You admired his work and it wasn’t lost on you that it only took him a third of the time it would’ve taken you. Before you’d even gotten through that realization, Joel had already passed you and had made his way back out to the hall, where he walked down it back toward your front door. You followed after him, remaining quiet as he picked up his pocket knife from where you’d left it and tucked it back into his pant pocket. His hand got to the doorknob and you still hadn’t spoken, so he was the one to bite the bullet.

“You know, I never got your name.”

Heat crept up your neck, trying to make a home in your cheeks, as you mentioned your name to him. He smiled and nodded but offered nothing more, so you figured it was still your turn. “Thanks for your help, Joel,”

“No problem,” he waved you off.

“Maybe if more guys were like you, I wouldn’t hate them so much,”

“Give it time. You’ll be back to yellin’ at me soon.” He opened the front door and took a step through it. “Give me a holler if you need something, you know where I live,”

“Will do,”

He started to close the door but then opened it again and poked his head through. “Make sure you lock the door this time,”

You pressed a smile and approached the door where he waited until your hand was on the knob. With one last quiet goodbye, he pulled the door shut and you followed it up by locking it. Then with little time to spare, you ran to the window in the living room to watch him walk away. He pressed his hands into his pockets and looked around. Then a smile stretched over his face and he kicked at the grass before he crossed the street and moseyed back to his house.

[drdemonprince]

the man I've been seeing is cagey about his age (recently figured he's late 30s early 40s) and it makes me so sad that he's had to lie about his youth to feel comfortable. I don't blame him (he's very handsome and passes well for ~30, maybe a bit younger) because everyone seems to get so /weird/ once you're a gay man pushing 40.

no real question here, I just wanted to contribute to the age gap discussion (I'm mid twenties, so it's anywhere from 10 to 20 years depending on how accurate I am lol)

Yeah, this is so real. I have age display turned off on Grindr and it makes a palpable difference in how people respond to me -- a much wider array of people are interested and don't make as many assumptions about me when they don't see the 35 next to my display name. Some people who are older than me have expressed interest and then bounced when I told them my age, which is pathetic. A friend of mine who is a straight woman says that now that she's 41 she gets weird insecure belittling comments from younger guys who are into her but have their own anxieties about age that they project onto her, and the moment she rejects anyone younger than her, they lash out about her age if they want to get under her skin. It sucks.

I am very happy to be the age that I am with all the experience that encompasses, and I am also a disabled person who is, developmentally, a lot closer to people significantly younger than me in some respects, and have a ton in common with people who are aging in many others. You really can't know anything about who a person is based on their age and we need to stop obsessing over generations as if they're a strong reflection of a person's personality and outlook, or their value. I know playful jubilliant 50- and 60-somethings who explore abandoned buildings and make crazy noise music and throw parties and I know 21 year old homebodies who go to bed at 9pm and have five cats and people of every age of every possible constellation of traits. my life is richer from knowing and being close to people in their early 20s all the way up to people in their 70s and spending time with those groups all as friends. and if the connection was right i'd date someone anywhere in that range too.

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen! I recently turned 30 and have never been in a relationship

In highschool and university I was more focused on school and extracurricular activities, and relationships didn't interest me all that much. Looking back I think it was because I didn't realize I was a lesbian, and the idea of dating boys didn't seem appealing. And maybe others saw that, as I was never asked out (by any gender), and to my knowledge, no one ever took interest in me.

In my early-20s I became interested in dating once I figured out my sexuality, and tried a few dating apps and meeting new people. But nothing really came from it. I have zero experience in dating and flirting, and I have no idea what it's like to be romanced or flirted with. Just like in highschool and university, no one had ever asked me out or seem genuinely interested in me. The older I get and the more Valentine's day I see passing by as a single person, the less hopeful I feel.

It sounds silly and stupid, but I feel like I'm unlovable. Can't see a future where someone falls in love with me, and vice versa; it's so easy to just give up the hope that this loneliness will end.

I don't know what I'm asking for here - reassurance that I'm not alone in this? reassurance that I will be OK being alone? Are there others who went through similar situations and found happiness?

On a different topic: where did you get your rainbow frog necklace? I study frogs and have tried looking for that necklace everywhere.

Thank you so much!

The only dating I did in high school was with one boy whom I met at a campground one summer. He was perfect because I was not interested but also wanted to look like I liked boys. He lived about 40 minutes away and was a farm kid so our time together was very limited. It saved me from having to constantly make up excuses like “I am sick” or “I can’t kiss because I have a cold sore starting”. Any time we were together I ducked and dodged his advances and he was a gentleman about it, never pushing my boundaries. 

In college I finally admitted I liked women but was nowhere near confident enough to come out. I dated one boy, on one date and never was asked again, by man or woman which was disheartening on some level BUT also a relief because I was having fun with my friends (who were all dating off and on) and was not ready for any sort of relationship. I definitely didn’t want a boy asking me and girls scared the hell out of me. I have been told by many of my older lesbian (and some younger) friends that being intimidated by women, especially those we find attractive or interesting, is normal and expected for many of us. 

Lesbians are often way behind in dating etiquette and practice simply because we often don’t date in high school or college (at least not anyone we want to). We wait until young adulthood and independence to wade into the dating pool. Lacking dating or relationship experience seems more prevalent the older we are. But I have noticed some of the “in the middle” lesbians (30 to 40ish)  are really struggling with finding each other, dating and feeling confident enough to ask others out. It seems a fair amount of my friends find themselves single after a long relationship (often their first serious one) in that age bracket OR are just now coming out as “late in life lesbian” and have no idea how to even get started. 

I would say you are in good company no matter the reasons you haven’t been in a relationship. You could be dealing with any number of obstacles but the good news is you can handle them. You might be a bit intimidating, either from your stature or your confidence. You might be just limited in the amount of women you are exposed to therefore your dating pool is a bit stifled. Or you maybe just haven’t had the luck of meeting someone who was the right person at the right time. 

As per usual I would suggest getting to lesbian/women events. Try women’s festivals or local concerts featuring women singers or entertainers. These events will attract a wide array of lesbians and bi women and at least you could meet some more like minded women.  Just ask. If you see a woman at the gay bar or at a non profit fundraiser or at a concert, say hello and introduce yourself. At worst they aren’t interested and you have lost nothing but a minute. You might not end up on a date but you could make a new friend. 

The beauty of women’s festivals is that almost everyone there is lesbian or bi (not all but for once we are in the majority). AND it is perfectly acceptable to meet and make friends and the more you expand your friend circle the better for you. Many women meet compatible partners through other friends. 

Dating apps are an option. I can’t speak for them because I have not used one but I hear they are loaded with people looking for one night stands etc, which does not seem like what you are looking for at this stage in your life. So while they are an easy way to meet others looking to date you might have to wade through a lot of muck to find someone worthy of your time and energy.

It never hurts to ask friends to keep their eyes open. They might assume you are happily single and therefore don’t say anything but you never know who they know. You can do this and you will be fine. It just might take a little work putting yourself out there on social media, dating apps and at events. 

The necklace was made for me by my friend Weird Dan who was an artist and leathersmith. IT had to be reconditioned with new leather and some repair on the beads over covid. My girlfriend at the time found this little frog charm so when the repair was done I had it placed in the center. I have not taken it off for years except for the repairs. You can google “frog charm” or “antique silver frog charm pendant”  and some will come up. It is nothing expensive but I love it all the more because of who gave it to me. 

Remember  You deserve someone who has mutual passion and love for you. Don’t rush, don’t settle and be honest with yourself and you will be okay.

[theangrybooknook]

Days at the Morisaki Bookshop

Do you ever find yourself with *finally* enough time to read, but then you don't? Do you ever settle for the evening with the determination that you're going to read, but you end up scrolling through Instagram instead, AGAIN?

I have a lot of free time these days. Ever since my last contract ended in July 2023 and my trip to Hokkaido from September-December, I have been looking for a job. The market is tough these days, and the publishing industry in my country seems to be rather reluctant in hiring new people - let alone women in their late 20s/early 30s who might pop out a kid in the near future. And although I have zero ambition to have children anytime soon, they naturally throw me into one pot with other women and decide they'd rather hire a man or no one.

So that is where I am at the moment. Living with my parents, with enough time on my hands, writing job applications, trying to not go insane. You see, I have a lot of spare time on my hands these days.

Then why do I not use it to read through the pile of shame that I have amassed?

My attention span has become ridiculously short and fanfiction is always a safe bet. I know the characters, I know what I am getting into, I know the deal. This is why I also love writing fanfiction so much. But besides reading fanfiction, I should read more of the books I actually spent (a lot of) money on. For some reason, some reading energy came over me, and here we are. I remembered this blog and thought I should just do it. Give it a try. Write about the things that I read and maybe write some reviews, perhaps that will inspire me to read on and on and on.

So here we are with Satoshi Yagisawa's "Days at the Morisaki Bookshop".

Synopsis: The story follows Takako, a young woman living in Tokyo, heartbroken after her boyfriend tells her he is going to marry someone else. Depressed and overwhelmed, she quits her job, and her uncle Satoru calls her from the family's bookshop, asking if she didn't want to stay with him for a while and work at the shop for a bit. At first, Takako is not a fan - she is not a reader, she does not know what the fuss is all about and why people love a second-hand-bookshop of all places. Slowly, she begins to embark on her own reading journey and finds a new footing and new interests, until all of a sudden, her aunt Momoko comes back into her and her uncle's lives.

My experience with Japanese literature is very limited. I tried to read Haruki Murakami a few years ago and threw the book against the wall because I found it too exhausting. I also tried Banana Yoshimoto a few years ago but I cannot remember if I finished it. I have read far more manga, translated into English or German. While I was living in Japan, one of my housemates turned out to be a fellow graduate of literary studies and she had written her thesis about some pieces of Japanese literature. She loved it so much that I was determined to also give it a try, and she told me what to watch out for. I am not sure if I caught all the things that are to discover in "Days at the Morisaki Bookshop", but what I caught was very delightful.

One does not need to know Japanese culture or have been to Japan in order to read/understand Yagisawa's novel. In fact, I find it an incredibly easy way to look into Japanese society for people who have never been there; it is like a window that welcomes everyone to stand in front of it and look through. When one imagines Tokyo, there's usually Shibuya Crossing and lots of people, lots of lights and billboards, lots of noise. The Tokyo that Yagisawa presents to the reader is a surprisingly quiet one: Jimbōchō. I have never been to this part of Tokyo, but after reading the novel, I imagine this book-town of Tokyo as very similar to the other narrow streets and lanes that I have wandered down during my time in Japan. It is the magic that you can find in every large city in Japan: bustling life, lots of noise, a sensory overload; but as soon as you turn around the corner into another lane, the sound of the city disappears, and you are in a quiet sphere. This is the atmosphere that Yagisawa masterfully creates in this novel, allowing the reader to step off the train together with Takako, entering the quiet and musty world of books.

For any book lover, the mere description of the Morisaki Bookshop is a delight. When Takako first enters the shop, she describes the smell as "musty", which slightly embarrasses her uncle. Her naiveté in this utterance is charming as it is almost ridiculous to any book worm: we all know what kind of smell she is referring to, and we would never call it musty. We would simply call it the smell of a book shop or, more precisely, the smell of old books. Although Takako is, in the beginning, "not one of us", she does not make herself unlikeable by pointing out what annoys her about the bookshop. They are fair observations, such as a packed room full of books that is supposed to be her bedroom, or the fact that she can't really find anything in the bookshop. She does not feel superior all of a sudden when she eventually picks up one of the many books and starts reading, and she is not ashamed of admitting that she has now added reading to her hobbies. It expands her world and gives her, as she puts it, the kick in the butt that she needs. She finds a new life, and new love, but most importantly, she keeps going for her own sake. She does not have the perfect happy ending - if the book has a happy end at all. It ends in a rather abrupt way.

I was not sure what to think of the Momoko subplot. Takako's aunt, who has left her uncle Satoru years ago and suddenly returns in an almost dramatic way that screams "tadaahh!!!", seems like a strange intrusion in the second part of the novel that is simply titled "Momoko Returns". Takako pretty much mirrored me, the reader, when Momoko suddenly showed up - she does not know what to do with the woman that is suddenly there and takes over the little life that Satoru and Takako have crafted for themselves, and neither of them are brave enough to ask. Later, Momoko invites Takako to a girl's trip to a place she used to work at, and during their trip, she opens up briefly towards Takako about her reasons for returning. Her reasons make sense but also appear selfish to the reader, which Takako agrees on. She tears the note that Momoko leaves for her after running away again into shreds, then tells her uncle to run after her this time, or it will be too late. She kicks both uncle and aunt in the butt this way, no longer willing to be the intermediary between them (agreed tbh).

The novel often makes it seem as if Takako is merely living for other people. In the beginning, this is most definitely true. She is living for her shitty boyfriend Hideaki, then for her uncle, then for her friends Takano and Tomo, setting them up as a couple. As soon as she receives her own kick in the butt to get her own life back on track, Takako starts living for herself again - slowly, with hesitation, but much less afraid than before. When she finally meets Wada, a customer, fellow bookworm, and nursing a broken heart similarly to Takako in the beginning, she is not sure whether or not to allow herself to think about him. She is not even sure if she has actual feelings for him or if she is just pretending, which is an incredibly refreshing take in literature. Love and romance, and feelings in general, are not always clear-cut, and the novel reflects this. Not even Wada seems to be sure what to think of her, and the way they find together, through some minor misunderstanding, is lovely to witness. Personally, I would have liked to read more of their love story, but that is not the point of the novel.

Takako is an interesting main character as she seems to follow the reader in their experience. I was often taken aback and shocked, only to find that two lines down, Takako expresses the same feelings. At the same time, it does not feel as if the reader is taken by the hand by the narrative to come to certain emotional conclusions. If anything, it shows that feelings and emotions are valid, even if it takes a while to understand them, like Takako does. It takes her several chapters to finally realise how angry she is with Hideaki and the way he treated her, and she allows her anger to come through fully when Momoko runs away yet again. It was interesting to check on myself during the reading process: "What does this scene do with me? Alright. I feel anger. Let's read on and see how Takako thinks about it." Personally, I don't think I have experienced something like that before in reading.

The world in the novel, and the society in it, is a Japanese one. I am somewhat familiar with the culture due to my stay in Sapporo, and due to my (albeit limited) understanding of the language. It enhances the experience of reading this little gem of a novel, but it is absolutely not necessary. If anything, the novel takes the reader to a Japan that is not the one we always see represented in Western media. The Japan that Satoshi Yagisawa presents us is quiet, calm, peaceful, with a musty smell, a strong sense of community, women who don't give a shit about what old people think of them, and an incredible serenity in the form of Uncle Satoru that makes the reader want an uncle like him to talk about books with.

[vitiligo-is-not-a-trend]

Happy holidays! First off I want to thank you for your account! I don’t have vitiligo, and I don’t know much about the condition outside of a few interactions with people irl and a couple figures in the media (ie. Michael Jackson, and Winnie Harlow). I still have more research to do; reading/listening to people’s personal vitiligo stories has helped, but your account has also been a really helpful guide!

I was wondering if you’d be willing to give some feedback on a character I’m creating. She’s a Black woman in her late 20s (maybe early 30s?) named Pam (her full name is Patricia Ann Miller, but she likes going by the acronym of her name). Right now, I’m thinking of making her an actress or photographer depending on how her storyline pans out. Here is her design for reference:

I was watching movies from the Golden Age of Hollywood era when I created her, so her main design inspirations were Dorothy Dandridge, Marilyn Monroe, etc.

For now, my main question is what do you think of her design, especially her pink hair? I ask this bc I saw an ask on a different account where the responding person said it seemed like the asker was trying to make their character appear “extra special” by giving their character two recessive genetics (albinism and heterochromia). Pam’s hair isn’t natural, just dyed, but I know vitiligo can already make a character physically stand out, so I didn’t want my design to come off that way.

I love pink-haired characters and making them, though I’ve never seen a pink-haired character with vitiligo (or many mainstream ones with vitiligo in general, from my experience). I was in the early stages of revamping a character I’d created in childhood, so I decided to use that design. That being said, I wanted her pink hair to be beyond surface-level reasons. Like, I love pink hair, but I think giving her character an actual reason to dye her hair, like expressing her creativity, could remove semblances of superficiality.

I have another inquiry(s) about her in-progress storyline to make her well-rounded (which would give more context to her character and overall design), but I think it may be too long for an ask 😅. If it’s ok with you, I’d be interested in messaging it to you!

Happy holidays to you as well!

My only real comment is "OH MY GOD SHE"S SO CUTE!!!"

Personally I don't see anything wrong with a character with vitiligo dying their hair! I think that since it's an active choice that the character is making as opposed to a thing the designer is doing to make them more "special" it's fine!

You mentioned wanting some beyond surface-level reasons for her hair dyed, and honestly I think it's fine if it's surface level! Sometimes you just want cute hair, personally I LOVE dying mine! But here are some questions/suggestions to think about if you want a deeper meaning: Did she dye it to hide some vitiligo streaks? Was it as a confidence booster? Did she start doing it to try to distract from the vitiligo?

There's nothing wrong with wanting or having a character standout; it really depends on the context/reasoning behind why if that makes sense? Like it's perfectly fine to have a character stand out or be "extra unique" in their appearance by giving them like vitiligo and heterochromia (Which I find to be overdone/a bit stereotypical but I digress), as long as like there's Awareness(tm) and it's not being done as some weird surface level diversity or whatever lmao

Also thank you for taking such care into the representation of your character! <3

Feel free to contact me or send in long or multiple asks! (If I take a while to respond it's 100% on me lmao)

[miaikon]

From learning a Sci-Fi script to picking up a Con-Lang (or, a very long very nerdy Star Wars rant)

I need to rant at this to the void, and this blog is my go-to for these things. I feel free to do so since no-one comes here anyways.

A bit of background

(or, the part you can skip if you want to get to the nerdy rant now): I've been into Star Wars on and off since my teens. I'm nearly 40, so that's a few decades. I do watch the new series, and became very fond of "The Mandalorian" really fast. In-between seasons, my spouse and I also re-watched most of Clone Wars. In early 2024, we started a Star Wars 5E TTRPG campaign with a friend, where my spouse DM's, Friend plays a Jedi, and I play a Mandalorian (and she's just so much FUN to play). My character is one I came up with around... 2017? Maybe? IDK if you can find her if you scroll down far enough. Currently re-designing her, though. I originally came up with her after working my way through the Travis books and becoming fascinated with Mandalorians for some reason.

Accidential Language Acquisition

My latest obsession (and distracion from the summer heat) started with me looking up some Mandalorian phrases and curses for RPG purposes. Yes, I know, none of this is canon any more. None of us cares. We kind of make our own canon. Then I found out there's a script - and I was lost. I loved codes and obscure scripts as a child, and I did learn to read Hiragana in my 20s, so how hard could this be? I looked for a chart and found this site, which offers practice reading (and a dictionary, amongst other stuff). So, I started learning the characters in, I think, late July. I read quite well by now, my writing does lag behind. Juuust... the practice phrases are written in the Mandalorian language.

I didn't set out to learn a constructed language. I really did not. I just wanted to know WHAT I was typing. So I looked up the sentences on the cheat-sheet after I got them right. And some words started repeating, and I picked them up. Kinda automatically. I swear, I only practice reading/ writing this for like 15 to 30 minutes a day. After a while, I half-understood what some sentences said. Reading Star Wars fanfiction did not help (or help a lot, depending on your POV) there. I looked up missing words, building a bit of a vocabulary. It's erratic still, but I noticed something. In conversations, my brain sometimes supplies the Mandalorian words I know now. (I usually do catch myself, although stuff tends to slip in when I'm alone with my spouse, to his amusement.) My language center does not know this is a con-lang, after all. I also tried to write a ransom note in Mandalorian, which was a fun experience (for a private project). Through fan fiction and looking up stuff, I also learned about the Legends version of Mandalorian culture. That stuff is fascinating, although I feel like a visitor to an abandoned city. Everyone's gone (since Legends is out of print and stuff is falling into obscurity), but it's still cool to look around. It gives me a kind of bittersweet, nostalgic feeling, too. So many passionate minds, and things I'm so happy to experience, but wished I knew about sooner. Aay'han, if you will, only it's memories I never made. Nostalgia for what could have been. Not gonna lie, I'm obsessed. It's a feeling I seldom get now, although it was quite frequent when I was a teen. It feels great and enjoyable and unhealthy and I think I need to stop. I'm an adult, and I'm too old to fangirl. Or, at least, I keep telling myself this.

Analyzing a Con-Lang because my nerd brain can't stop looking for patterns

Mandalorian actually HAS different words for the people, the planet, the ruler, and the language. Let me start with Manda, which is the collective soul (or the concept of) of the Mandalorian people. The people themselves are Mando'ade (Children of the Manda/ of Mandalore. Singular Mando'ad). The language is Mando'a (no clue why, language would be joha. Maybe Mando'joha was too long and it got shortened). The planet is Manda'yaim (yaim meaning home. Simple enough). The ruler is the Mand'alor (alor meaning, well, leader. Also simple).

Before long, my brain started making connections between some things. Simple things first - "Ke" or "K' " at the start of a sentence is always the imperative form of something ("Command form"). The words for "you", "I", and the third person pronoun. Then, between words, trying to fit new words with what I already know. Like [something] ad was most likely about people. I built myself bridges that are just theories - I am not a linguist in any fashion, and I'm just trying to make sense of what's there. Like mirsh meaning brain(cell), kot meaning strenght, and mirshko is courage - so, "brain-strength"?

And no, for all of you out there that are as nerdy as me, this is not a full language. There isn't a word for "call" or "get in contact with" I could find, for example. Some authors just wanted to add flair to their writing, so an incomplete thing is what we have. Even so, I am kind of hooked in the weirdest way. I play around, trying to make my own sentences and combined words. It's fun, and private, and nobody needs to know. Except for the two people I TTRPG with.

IDK any more where I wanted to go with this. There might be a part 2, someday. If anyone read this, I appreciate you. If anyone read this and had this weird kind of obsession happen to them as well, let's talk. It might just be the universe's weirdest midlife crisis.

[chirpsythismorning]

wait you're not saying you think Jonathan might be Hoppers son too, right? hooking up Twice and having Two sets of kids with each other multiple years apart? sounds a bit too out there and something that would have Had to have come up before if they want it to be satisfying, because there'd be no way either of them could be in the dark about it

Hey, I get it! I was also skeptical myself (I still am)!

To be fair, when it comes to Jonathan, I'm still not 100% certain Hopper is his dad. But tbh, the fact that there is so much sufficient evidence he is Will and El's, along with some notable mentions pointing to the possibility he could be Jon's too, I'm intrigued. Like, they might as well go all out if they're going this route anyways?

No, I would not say it's explicit by any means, though I also wouldn't say with certainty that it's never come up at all either?

I also want to say that it took me a while to get here. I didn't just believe it all at once, it took going through different revelations and correcting theories based on things not adding up, while in contrast other things made a lot more sense for the overall story. And that is bound to continue happening regardless of what I think at this moment!

Initially, after stumbling across twelvegate, I wasn't even sure Will and El were twins? It wasn't until AGAIN rewatching certain scenes and seeing all this twin imagery that made it hard not to consider?

Though even so, at the time I was still pretty set on the assumption that they couldn't have the same mom, with Joyce obviously being Will's mom and Terry obviously being El's mom (right...). And so I thought maybe they could just be half-siblings? Sharing the same dad (Lonnie) and conceived around roughly the same time? Estranged siblings, only mere days/weeks apart? And so like, might as well be twins? I guess?

This was a pretty easy conclusion to come to because there was already a decent amount of evidence from s1 pointing to Lonnie potentially being a volunteer for MKUltra, alongside Terry.

I made a shit-post about this a while back. In case you want to see all the images related to this, feel free to check that out. I'll try to summarize it here quickly though, bc it's probably too vague there with the images alone:

When Hopper and Cal are at the Library in s1, we're shown quick snapshots of newspaper clippings related to Hawkins Lab, with one picture being the volunteers that participated in MKUltra. Though, the first time we see it, it's a negative image. So there was almost this anonymity to it, making you wonder if there was something that might have warranted them not wanting us to see it fully? At least not right away, for some reason? And I think this actually might have been because the effect made it appear like most of the participants were likely women, bc they all had long hair. But then, when we're finally shown the original picture near the end of the episode, right before they let us see it, Hopper says Forget about her (referring to Terry), only to reveal it was actually a man with long hair at the forefront, with Terry in the back to the right... And honestly, this guy in the middle does resemble Lonnie quite a bit. Like, if they had to cast someone to play a late 20's/early 30's Lonnie, this guy would fit the bill.

In that same scene, we also got an article that specifically mentioned individuals that were already addicts/alcoholics being chosen as participants for the experiments, and I do think Lonnie could arguably fit there.

Then there's the multiple comments about Lonnie dating women younger than him, and that might very well have aligned perfectly with Terry's sister saying she had joined MKUltra in college as a way to get extra cash (he would have still been roughly 10 years older than her, assuming she was in here early 20s at the oldest). It's also implied quite a bit that he's not exactly faithful, so this possibility of him cheating on Joyce with Terry while volunteering at the lab, could explain Will and El being practically the same age and with the same dad.

Basically this led me down a rabbit hole that had me genuinely considering the possibility that Will and El are blood related and that Lonnie could be their father, with El being born in the lab with Terry, while Will was born on the outside in Hawkins with Joyce. And I guess this could also fit the whole Will being the control group/El being the experiment group theory? Bc the lab probably found out about Will's existence after he was already born outside of the lab. Maybe they realized this would be a perfect opportunity to compare one kid in the lab vs. one out of the lab?

There are some other notable moments from s1 that read as potential evidence to me. My favorite though probably has to be this one, bc it just screams Willel twins:

This next one is so random, but here we have a transition between El in Mike's basement, followed directly by Lonnie taking a shower at the Byers...

Though, when it comes to Lonnie, he kind of falls off after s1? We get a few mentions of him here and there, but as time goes on, it's less and less. The story as a whole hasn't really prioritized him in the narrative, beyond the first two seasons (mostly the first), which would just make the revelation that he's been their father all along less impactful/satisfying if I'm being honest? Not saying he won't return in a vision or something, because I do think that's likely for s5. And yet arguably they've put more effort into connecting Terry to the overall story's narrative throughout the series than they have for Lonnie. And if you've read my previous posts about Terry, you know that's not saying much...

Which just makes you think, if they're putting all this time into prioritizing Hopper and Joyce, from the very beginning and even until now in s4, then that's probably for a reason? Remember this is a show that wants to encourage its viewers to rewatch it as an overall story once it's all finished. Emphasis on 'be kind, rewind'.

What I think makes this whole time trickery business interesting in regards to this 'crack' theory though, specifically within the context of Back to the Future, is that the plot of the movie was literally centered around Marty going to the past (1955), unintentionally preventing his parents from getting together, which in turn meant he was on track to cease to exist.

Although Marty thought he fixed it, Back to the Future Part II follows a similar storyline. Only this time, because of Marty's actions in the first film, another timeline has emerged that has lead to him, yes technically still existing in 1985 bc his parents still got together like they did in the original timeline, though unfortunately somewhere along the way, in the 70's George McFly died, which lead to a timeline contrasting the original 1985 timeline we were presented with in the first film, which looked like a literal nightmare, with Biff having taken the place of their father.

Which instantly reminds me of another certain show's incoming 1950's timeline, which is said to connect the overall story's s5 revelations with the origin story of Joyce and Hopper...

While I do agree, at a glance it's confusing to presume that not only Will and El are Hopper's kids but also Jonathan, I would argue it's just as confusing that somewhere along the way they got together, while Joyce was still married to Lonnie? If that was the case, I think the story would supplied a lot more evidence of Joyce herself knowing there is a big chance that Will could be his. But instead they behave as though they haven't talked since high school?

So... basically, regardless of time trickery or not, their memories are shot.

Which brings us to the most important piece of the puzzle:

Terrygate.

I am now 99.99% sure Terry is not El's 'Mama'... (Very strong evidence explored here and here)

And so that obviously begs to question, if Terry isn't El's mom? Then who is?

Joyce. It has to be Joyce.

And so that means that us just assuming Lonnie could be both of their dads, and with us now also assuming Joyce is their mom.. Then, maybe they are twins? Maybe all of that twin imagery connected to Will and El did count for something?

If you've read the posts about Terry not being El's mom, then you know that a lot of El's visions provided by Terry have resurfaced in different variations ever since she met her in 2x05, all the way up to now in 4x09. Not only that, but the references to 008 (Kali) in most of these flashbacks, including her flashbacks of the massacre (provided by Brenner), are incredibly suspicious. And the fact that we've got a woman doctor matching the nail polish of Terry in El's memory of her birth (one where you can hear two babies crying, I might add...) could very well be an indication that the memories she has, are tampered with...

You might be thinking NO! NO WAY! And I'm sorry but, Yes. Yes way.

Because this was in large part the main goal of MKUltra, from the very beginning. No, but like literally.

As I'm posting this, @erikiara80 posted this and... It makes so much fucking sense.

Just like El, Hopper has also been experiencing some PTSD like memory flashes throughout the series. We get the same like 10 snippets of memories. They keep reminding us with these snapshots that are super cryptic, only leaving us with more questions than answers.

Not only that, but David has said for YEARS that Sarah's death might not be what it seems, and basically alluded to the fact that she could have some sort of connection to the lab. Hopper literally experiences these flashbacks while trying to find Will in the UD, after discovering Will's tiger in Castle Byers at the end of s1 (the same stuffed animal Sarah, Will and El all have).

Not only that, but it's clear based on the setting of where Hopper is during the flashbacks with his daughter in the hospital, that he is quite literally at Hawkins lab... And so what the hell? He doesn't remember that? Why? Wouldn't that be an important detail for him to bring up and mention at some point? Wouldn't they want to inform us of his history at the lab, assuming he had one there? Wouldn't he be more skeptical about having Will go there if he had such a traumatic experience there? Unless he doesn't remember it being Hawkins lab? Unless those cheap ass memories are not the full truth in the first place??

I mean why else do these flashbacks read like forced memories more than actual reality?

Also, I find it interesting that Hopper left Hawkins right around the time before Will was born, to live in New York with his newborn and his wife (NYU is also Jon's dream school, since he was 6... Interesting).

And so what I think is going on here, is time trickery and false memories. An og timeline and a new one (or more...).

This means that Joyce, Jim, Jonathan, Will and El were probably a family at one point. But they've basically been ripped apart, losing each other (their memories of each other), leading them to believe that they are not family based on new memories in place, blocking the old memories.

The whole thing with Back to the Future is that those 3 kids can ONLY exist if their parents get together. This means that if Biff had somehow ended up preventing George and Lorraine from ever having kids like in the original timeline, then Marty and his siblings would cease to exist, as it wouldn't be possible for Biff and Lorraine to have the same kids as George and Lorraine ie. genetics.

And so this begs to question if perhaps Henry or the lab (assuming they successfully cracked time travel, which was one of the goals of MKUltra...), benefited much greater from Will and El and the entire family not knowing about their true relationship, and yet here they are experiencing the most intense bouts of deja vu I've ever seen.

This scene right here with Hopper? Still 99% unexplained. Why is this dude experiencing borderline dad deja vu, encased in a rainbow, witnessing the lights flicker firsthand (unlike Callahan, who upon arriving, the lights turn back on)? And we're all just nodding our heads like it's nothing, despite having no clue what is going on? This is the pilot? And we don't know what happened here??

Also I wanna remind ya'll that Hopper was seen mixing alcohol with Tuinal in s1, though he did stop after having suspicions he was being watched. And so presumably, since his 'daughters death' he has been highly medicated, mixing drugs/booze... not great for a persons memory... like at all (especially if it was intentionally being done to him by the lab to hide the truth from him).

This is obviously too iconic not to mention. But this basically supports the theory, that despite the this whole family being clueless about their true connection, we're still acknowledging the fact that Joyce and Hopper have indeed been intimate at some point. And here with Will's name being thrown in the middle, followed by That a yeah or? And so what's happening subtly is, Will's name being used as proof that yes. they have... aka Will existing is the proof.

Oh would you look here! Terry likes reading books on Bonsai trees? Wait, didn't Brenner open s4 as a Bonsai tree enthusiast? Also notice what Hopper at the end there? What did I tell you about that dad deja-vu It's almost like subconsciously he knows deep down that there is a connection to Terry and Brenner.

Seems like Terry knows something that someone doesn't want Joyce and Hopper (or the audience) to know... Almost like if she could actually respond to them, she would debunk/correct their assumptions. And so because she can't, the characters (and the audience) believe what is on the surface being told to us, while being forced to rewatch El's memories connected to her mother + Hopper's memories connected to his daughter, over and over in flashes... This is because despite what they're telling us, they're SHOWING us that there's obviously something we're still missing...

Hopper seeing Will's lion stuffed animal in castle byers and it triggering flashbacks of his daughter, n a gown that has clowns on it, matching the clowns in the baby nursery... Like, I don't?.. I just don't trust it? It reads as a mixture of true and false, just like El's flashbacks from Terry and the lab do.

And I'm sorry but, Owens? Oh, he knows something for sure... And there's that dad deja vu again. DUDE KNOWS SOMETHING IS OFF! HE KNOWS!

Also, I am a byler, and so I do agree in part with the byler implications fans have speculated over the years for El and Will's relationship being sort of pushed to obscurity, to represent Mike's struggle between his feelings for both of them...

But, lets really think about this for a second... Girl and boy, who are mirrored to each other for most of s1-2, don't even get properly introduced ever? Like it's just odd that it happens that way. It almost feels like they knew an introduction wouldn't have done them justice? It wouldn't have felt right for these characters, assuming we will all be going back and rewatching from a lens of them being twins and not knowing it? It also makes it a lot more interesting seeing them approach it in this way, where they're quite literally avoiding interactions between them at all costs, only for them to end up being siblings the moment they do start a real connection?

The 2 babies in between them... The keys... This has been a recurring theme since the first fucking episode ya'll, connecting all of these characters? Like, do I even have to say it..?

Will and John sitting in front of the Lucky Charms... Followed by El having deja vu, inspired by the Rainbow/Upside down horse shoe... Remind you of anyone?

Father of (micro)biology behind El, whose looking at Will, both with their matching wrist accessories (also matching Hopper's blue bracelet/watch being focused on for his introduction in the series pilot), and also with a literal Hopper diorama in front of her/between them...

Oh, and just this arguably unnecessary line, that barely even made sense in the context of the scene it was in...? Usually when this happens, it could be a hint that the whole reason it falls flat in the moment is because the true meaning lies somewhere else in a different moment, still yet to be revealed.

And then you know, there's this...

With all of that in mind, these tiny moments in particular, potentially connecting Jonathan's role in all of this, definitely have me side eying...

What part is he talking about? Part I or Part II? What timeline are we in again???!!

Is it explicit and in your face? No. Definitely not. BUT it's there and it arguably holds more weight consistently in terms of these characters all being tied together super intricately and also prioritized more than any of the other supposed parents, since the very beginning... and that seems like something that would make this revelation so fucking crazy, quite literally going full circle just like the Duffers and the actors have been saying the ending indeed accomplishes...

I am subject to be wrong about any and all of this! I am human! And I will be okay if I am wrong! Now, will you be okay with others theorizing? That is up to you my friend!

I do think that this theory does give off the vibe of the whole curtain metaphor in s2 though? How those willing to take a look behind the curtain aka consider byler for example, are going to be the same people that are going to be able to pick up on other things beyond that. Because if you're not willing to consider byler, that means you're going to have to subscribe to the claim that details don't matter, and therefore you're essentially blocking yourself from looking at anything deeper than surface level. Being willing to even look behind the curtain at all, would open the curtain behind that curtain. and the curtain behind that one, and I think behind byler, is Willel. It's like a plot twist within a plot twist. And same goes for Jopper being their biological parents.

Whether or not Jonathan is included in that, along with all of this theory as a whole, remains to be seen!

[bisluthq]

Do you think LOT prolonged Harry and Olivia’s relationship? I think they would’ve tried to save face for DWD’s sake either way but it’s interesting to me bc she clearly enjoyed and made the effort to be seen at his shows almost every week and the madness of everything was tied up in the tour for a while. So much of the intensity of their relationship seemed to be born out of covid restrictions limiting them to the house and her fertility causing them to speed run some decisions. I can’t picture what a tl looks for them where lot doesn’t happen so they’re at home more or jason doesn’t pick a fight with custody. It’s weird to think about now because the harry pre dwd and post dwd/olivia seem like different people to me and I can’t imagine him in that situation now. for all the genuinely traumatising scrutiny that must’ve been and I assume heartbreak over losing olivia and subsequently taylor, I think having a serious relationship that was 100x less publicised than holivia and having tour probably helped him process and made him think a lot about his choices

when I said it was a bit traumatic I didn’t even mean the public side of it lol (that too obviously and escalated the whole situation for sure), I meant like dating a woman going through what was essentially a divorce that included a very horrible custody battle that involved two kids and a really nasty ex is a WHOLE LOT for anyone but especially someone in their late 20s/early 30s imo who hasn’t had that type of experience before. Like NO ONE has fun during custody battles/divorces but at least if you’ve had your own experiences with them it’s like “okay here’s what I did” but Harry hadn’t had any experience with that beyond being a child of divorce and seeing Ann’s divorce with John and then seeing Robin really step the fuck up for Gemma and him? And I just imagine, even outside like the celebrity side of it, that that would’ve been really difficult. I’m basically his age, am a child of divorce, have seen my mum divorce twice more lol, am not in principle averse to dating someone with kids (haven’t ever but not like because it’s a rule for me) and have an older partner but ngl if my partner were going through a custody battle while with me I’d be very fucking stressed and I think pretty useless with advice and wouldn’t even be the best at the moral support side because it’s just like… quite far out of the realm of my own experience. And I do get the sense that Harry was hella overwhelmed lol and also again partly because of how much he loved/loves Robin and respected Robin, he was trying to do the right thing for Olivia and the kids but also like he’s not yk old enough per se to be in that position.

I don’t know what their whole situation would’ve been in another life where she’d left Jason in a classy fashion and had obtained a normal parenting plan and then started dating Harry. And also what it would’ve been like without LOT and all the DWD drama that was unrelated to them/this. Like that would’ve been a completely different tl and maybe it would’ve worked better because they clearly got along grand for the most part and did really love each other and if things were chill from Jason’s end like I don’t think the kids would’ve been a problem at all. I don’t think Harry would’ve tried to replace him or anything as their dad but also would’ve tried to be a good stepfather figure.

the biological clock thing would still have been an issue just because like she realistically needs to have a kid in the next few years if she wants more bio kids - she can’t really wait another 8 years or anything - but they did seem legit open to kids together idk so again without Jason drama + all the other crap then maybe it would’ve worked out. It didn’t.

and I agree the Taylor thing was healthier and probably helped him work through a few of the issues he’d built up over the past few years but clearly also didn’t work out and imo he should take it slow with the next girl and like see where things go and how they develop. Which again is why Olivia D or someone like her, who’s busy and not really in a rush to marry/have kids etc, would imo be a really good idea. He needn’t stay single but I also don’t think he should move in with someone and/or start talking rings and cradles in the next year or so lol. He should just chill for a bit.

[phanyu]

You say a casual viewer might find Dan more funny, but I don't necessarily think that's the case. I don't mean for this to sound insulting, but I think a casual viewer of a certain age would find Dan more funny. By that I mean...young tweens, teens and early 20s. Especially at their peak. I think Phil is funnier to older adults. I'm not CERTAIN that's the case but there's a few reasons why I think this. 1. I've noticed older phannies tend to gravitate towards Phil more and prefer his humor. 2. Years ago I came across a video where someone showed their teachers Dan and Phil videos and had them react to them. The teachers all looked to be in their early-mid 30s. Maybe late 20s. They did not find Dan funny at all, but they laughed at Phil's videos and were really surprised when the student told them that Dan was the more popular one. I think Phil could succeed in comedy if he marketed himself to an older crowd who appreciate that dry, slightly silly, British style of humor. Like I could see him becoming a regular on a show like Task Master or Would I Lie to You. Dan's comedy is in a really weird spot where it's not really appealing to Gen Z bc it's too millennial but it's also not appealing to millenials or older adults bc he's trying to be too Gen Z. I agree with you. I don't feel like his talents lie in stand-up comedy. You know what I think Dan would REALLY be good at? Motivational speaking. He is SUCH an amazing public speaker and he has this unique ability to inspire people by sharing his personal struggles. He's also a really good storyteller. I'm not sure that Dan will ever be able to find mainstream success as a writer or a comic tbh. It's not that he doesn't have talent, it's just that his skills are a bit underdeveloped. I think that if Dan really wants to be a stand-up comedian, he can't keep playing to crowds of adoring fans who already love him and love what he does regardless of if it's actually good or not. He needs to humble himself and go do gigs at small clubs to an audience that doesn't know him. I can't really see him doing that though. He's really bad at taking criticism and he doesn't seem like he's willing to do what it takes to promote himself to a new audience. This has become a bit of a ramble lol. Basically I agree with you that they're not playing to their strengths but disagree as to what exactly those are.

context

LOL no i totally know what youre talking about when you refer to dan's humour, i think we may be referring to totally different things here. because correct me if im wrong but what youre talking about i feel like i see more in his planned humour like the way he tweets, wad, etc, and i do totally agree that that has NOT aged well in several aspects (though hes more innocent than people let him off as being sometimes). it's more his talking presenter aura that i think people tend to gravitate towards first (at least in my experience showing people dnp videos), not because he IS necessarily funnier but because he's louder, he's more forceful, and he takes up more of the energy on screen 70% of the time. like it's just natural to be attracted to that first. and then as you watch more, i think people come to connect equally or even moreso with phil, as you also start to recognize how much of dan's louder personality is a direct reaction to what phil puts down first.

hmmmmmm i kind of go both ways on your point about phil going into comedy though!! i agree that if anything he totally COULD succeed at that old school british style of humour. and appeal to a wide range of people in a way that dan's humour alienates these days. but i kind of stand by my opinion that i would prefer even more to see phil as a creative driving force in a way that doesn't rely on his name brand at all. pure philism boiled down into something that the public doesnt even need to know phil to love.

and finally, ok ur point about motivational speaking is blowing my mind a bit. SOOOOOOOOO TRUE. i dont know if i could ever see him going down that route because i think he'd look down on it because as much as he is obsessed with constantly using his persona and history as a fallback to lean on, he also hates himself for constantly doing so, and that would require him to embrace it. i also just dont think he respects it as an endeavour lmaktjnkgtn (and i mean neither do i but i dont respect wad or ywgttn an insane amount either) but purely in terms of what would complement his skillset, it's a perfect match. and yeah i agree on everything that you said about wad, him taking criticism, and his audience. he jumped into the deep end with that show simply because he could, and it hindered him massively. and also blew up his confidence enough probably that he feels he doesnt NEED to go back and start smaller. i could be totally wrong because it's been ages since i watched it but i remember that video on his side channel from when he does a proto comedy show in that club for pride was a lot more natural and suited for his current skill level? sigh. but now he's played venues far too big to go back for that! god im just really curious i guess to see where either of them are planning on going individually (since i am p confident theyll be continuing as a duo as well) after tit. interesting chat anon!

[akindplace]

Hi, I wanted to say that i really love your page and the content you post there, it's very comforting. I don't know where to start, but I recently I have been doing some sort of introspection of myself since I have been thinking about my future d I have realised that I seem to care a bit much about other people's feelings and expectations about me, as if I don't have a personality that represents me ?? Sometimes I worried it might cause me some problems. Like for example people see me as someone who is "serious", " a hard-working student", "quiet", "perfect", these traits are negative but it feels like I "trapped" in these labels ? And also I think it might be because I feel frustrated with school/college academically wise so there is that (I like studying but I feel I let grades define my worth, so it's not really healthy. It's something I have been dealing with a lot)

And I also feel frustrated and anxious in general because I actually don't know what to do, I just want to have a peaceful and quiet life, financial stability and being private about personal stuff, which are things that I can't seem to find. I just want to mind my business and keep my internal peace but it's almost impossible 🥲

Everyday feels a burden to me, living is exhausting sometimes, I keep worrying about serious stuff and I think it reflects on my behaviour/ social interactions 🙃

If it’s possible for you right now maybe talking this things through in therapy can help you figure yourself out. By what you’ve mentioned, you’re probably still in your early twenties and you probably still have a lot to learn about yourself, and that will happen as you grow older, but don’t put too much pressure to have it all known now, to have it all together. It’s okay to look for different jobs until you find one career you like, that provides you more stability. I’ve been talking to a few people about stuff like this and I feel like everyone thought they’d be in a different place in there late 20s/early 30s and it kind of feels like everyone is just winging it. I think when we were younger we thought adults had a lot more freedom and they were very mature and wise, and I realize they probably were just winging too.

Your goals are worth it, and it’s okay to want just want a peaceful life especially cause the world seems to be anything but right now… and it’s really hard not to crave stability when you know it’s been hard to achieve. Those things are worth trying and it’s okay if it takes time to figure out what to do. It gets a little better as you grow and you start caring less about people’s expectations because you learn what makes you happy and that most of the time people’s ideas on what should make you happy aren’t necessarily a fact. If no one lives with your choices but you, then you should get to choose (based on your experiences, and it’s okay to try out a ton of different things). You kinda start to realize that people pleasing usually means you sacrifice a lot of yourself and it gets easier to choose yourself.

A few years ago I felt like I had no personality and like I needed to please people or else something terrible would happen, but the only terrible thing happening was that I was miserable. People pleasing is still something I struggle with, but in a lot of ways I figured out who I was outside of the people I knew and their expectations, and I started to figure out where I wanted to go from there.

The tldr here is that you still have time to figure out and to go little by little until you find what makes you comfortable. Don’t pressure yourself too much to have life mapped out, and don’t let those pressures come from other people either, if it’s possible. They don’t get to tell you the best way to be an adult, because no one has it all figured out. I really hope things get better and that you find the stability you want.

[casualoddities]

Jane of Lantern Hill Ch 25 to 30

Hahahaah "Mrs. Bob Barker"

Auntie Em gets to the heart of Robin fast 'pretty and silly'. Both Andrew and Robin seemed pretty young when they got married. Let's say Robin was close to 16 or 18 and Andrew may have been in his late 20s? Robin loved Jane from the start and Andrew needed some more time to adjust and that cemented the moment he saw Jane see his as Dad. Maybe he was scared before that or afraid of losing that perfect golden happiness.

Robin had one brave,foolish moment to run away with Andrew. Grandmother tried to bribe and coerce Robin to come back with promises of gifts and letters.

Irene dug into Robin fast, early and constantly. Robin didn't have the same intuition, was young, alone and in a new marriage. It's little wonder that her confidence was slowly eroded. At this point you see some start of Jane's uh, not quite contempt but clear minded sharpness to Robin? I think at this point her respect started to fade and the mix of a need to protect Robin and a "well you have no backbone' thought process came from.

I do respect Andrew for having the instinct to wait and reach out when Jane makes an actual noise and lets her fill the space to talk. He offers his unaltered perspective - when he was a young man meeting Robin after the horrors of WW1. All he wanted to know was that Jane wasn't brought up to hate him. Though I wish that had happened sooner I can't imagine it would have been easy to ask for Jane to visit.

It seems like a lot of their basis of relationship comes from a romanticism of beauty and the unknown. Andrew just out of the trenches seeing gorgeous happy Robin, untouched by anything ugly and Robin, seeing Andrew as a sophisticated , older man with poetry rolling from each word and full of adoration. it's no wonder these two connected. They tried to build on infatuation with love and as a later rant will come you YMMW will see how successful that was!

Andrew brings up romance and moonlight- and adds a bit of cyncism there, he's not wrong. His and Robin's relationship was built on a fairy tale and as time went on the Real World was a bit too much. Andrew was so taken with the fairy tale of it all that when Jane came it was hard to adjust - but he came around once he saw Jane pick him out as Dad- maybe that was selfish or maybe it was him realizing he was valued and needed?

Robin from the get-go poured all her love and care into Jane until it was nearly overbearing but she never had someone that needed her before! Both come from understandable points, and both are too young and inexperienced at the time to work around it. Also there area massive blind spots, inexperience, Andrew with Aunt Irene etc..

Jane has the experience of being a 'outsider' and youth to see the clear line of how 'things should be'

Regret and old longing permeate the last bits of Jane's time with Andrew. Irene adds the last bit of poison doubt to make Jane think that all this was a passing whim for Andrew where that's far from the truth.

Here the time passing accelerates fast; Jane goes home and reunites with Robin who is delighted and expecting the old Jane. The same hits with Grandmother who tries to hit on every small criticism. Jane had already gained so much independence and ease that she both can rise above any BS and feel ill at ease for having most of herself in PEI and a part in Gay Street!

[sailingmakai]

𝘒𝘕𝘖𝘞𝘐𝘕𝘎  𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘙  𝘗𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘕𝘌𝘙  𝘞𝘌𝘓𝘓  𝘊𝘈𝘕  𝘗𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘕𝘛𝘐𝘈𝘓𝘓𝘠  𝘔𝘈𝘒𝘌  𝘞𝘙𝘐𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎  𝘛𝘖𝘎𝘌𝘛𝘏𝘌𝘙  𝘈  𝘓𝘖𝘛  𝘌𝘈𝘚𝘐𝘌𝘙.

REPOST DO NOT REBLOG !!

NAME: Sev

PRONOUNS :  She/They!

PREFERENCE  OF  COMMUNICATION  : Mostly Discord, but I can do tumblr too if needed/preferred

NAME  OF  MUSE(s)  : Akira Kurusu! (For this blog anyway; if you wanted Discord we'd be here a while lmao)

EXPERIENCE  /  HOW  LONG  (  MONTHS  /  YEARS? )  : RP, since 2013-ish. My first-ever blog was made around there, and I've been RPing ever since, but I've been writing for a good few years before that. I'd saaaay maybe four or five? I can't check since I deleted all my oldest stuff, but it's around there.

BEST  EXPERIENCE :  In general, I'd say an RP I did with a pair of friends from another fandom with another muse from years ago - where my muse was being chased down by a worried friend after having run away (after either hurting them or BEING hurt, can't recall), and was offered a deal with the demon sin of Gluttony, which he took and has since forever regretted - that one took until 4am and was one of my favorites~ I don't think I've had something that's made me stay up that late just to get more of it, since.

RP  PET  PEEVES  /  DEALBREAKERS : I definitely hate when people control my character - taking them and making them act or move more than just briefly describing them taking a thing in a plot/thread where we both know they're gonna take the thing.

One dealbreaker I have though - Guilt trips. I've had people do this to me before where for whatever reason, I didn't really wanna thread something - either the thread itself wasn't something I wanted to do or I just plain didn't vibe with their muse and made an effort to tell them as politely as possible that I didn't think my muse would be able to interact well, if at all, with theirs. And always, ALWAYS the response would be them going to their blog, and vague-posting about me and how I should be writing with THEM if I wanted to rp so bad, as well as people guilting me into refollowing them after deciding I didn't want to follow them after all, usually for the above reasons of 'my muses won't gel with theirs after all, whoops'. Basically - if you knowingly, intentionally, try to leverage my anxiety as a means to keep me interacting with you, you can consider me gone. For good.

MUSE  PREFERENCES  FLUFF,    ANGST  OR  SMUT  : Fluff and angst are both amazing. Smut... Technically I'm okay with smut as a concept, but given the characters here are early-20's at best, and canonically in the range of 17, I do not want it on my blog in any capacity. I will block you if you try. Romance is fine, don't get me wrong! I love doing soft fluffy romance~! But I ain't doing no sideways tango shit with anyone but my old Layton buddies, because all our muses there are grown men and women in their 30's and 40's at LEAST.

PLOTS  OR  MEMES  : Plots. I am... extraordinarily bad at writing non-serious stuff. Even when I TRY to do sillies, they always come out serious. Sigh.

LONG  OR  SHORT  REPLIES  : I can do both! Buuuut if we thread a thread long enough my replies WILL steadily grow stupid long. I don't know why. It just... happens... ;w;

BEST TIME TO WRITE :  Any time! All time! As long as I'm awake! I have endless free time due to being pretty damn unhireable due to a perfect storm of people-based social anxiety, poor memory, and inability to develop marketable skills!

But yes - I'm awake and online pretty regularly any time between 9am and 12am Newfoundland time.

ARE  YOU  LIKE  YOUR  MUSE(S) : God I wish. I do channel a little bit of myself into them, and I wouldn't be surprised if that shows, but I'm nothing like Akira, nor any of his au's I've got in here. Don't have enough spine for that, lmao.

TAGGED  BY  :  Stolen from @soulsbetrayed!

TAGGING : Go ham, my darlings

[duskmite]

so a little under a month ago i volunteered at a food bank run by a communist organisation and decided to go along to the meeting afterwards because i thought hey! i'm a socialist who has been to socialist meetings and wants to be more politically active and become better versed in leftist theory so why not?

anyway it was an off the wall experience and i wanted to share it so people can tell me if other communist meetings are like this:

before i start, let me first say that one guy from the organisation called me every single day for five days to confirm i was coming. i understand maybe a second call the day prior to double-check i could still make it but christ. every day? i've already said i'll be there, my guy.

anyway! onto the actual meeting. the first red flag, albeit not a huge one, was that all the chairs faced a desk at the front so we could sit and listen to the speaker. i'm used to a more casual, open setting where everyone faces each other (eg. around a table), but i thought it might be because the room was pretty narrow.

while we waited for the meeting to start, i took the chance to look around the room which i'd only gotten a quick glance at before getting started with the work earlier. on the walls were several framed pictures of marx, lenin, and trotsky. i don't have a massive problem with that as, lenin aside (though obviously i recognise his importance), i admire those men and lowkey would have clement attlee as my pinup girl, but the level of idolatry was a bit unsettling.

the speaker, a young guy from new york, read a long prepared speech covering current affairs worldwide and the communist perspective on said events. i disagreed with some of what he said, but it was mostly informative and interesting.

the first thing that made me consider leaving was something i'll admit was extremely petty: during his speech, johnny new york said the phrase "here in the united states". for context, we were in london.

the speech ended and the floor was opened up for questions and discussion. it was vastly ideological with no talk of action plans for how to make things better. now, i've got no issues with debate! i love debate! but an organisation that puts a heavy emphasis on being anti-war just talking about israel-palestine and russia-ukraine felt strange. in my previously experienced socialist meetings, a lot of the time would be taken up with coming up with ideas, talking about collaborations with other organisations, and letting us know the schedule for actual planned events and demonstrations we could help with. those happened in a town. london is a CITY. there's loads more going on, so many more people we can collaborate with, so why aren't we doing anything? the food bank was great and i get that it takes up a lot of time, but why are you advertising yourself as a fighting force against war if all you're doing is talking about it?

among the ideological comments came a voice from the back of the room, a woman who appeared to be in her late 20s or early 30s. this was where things got truly wild. she expressed admiration for stalin. yes, that stalin. i can't remember where she said she was from (romania maybe?), but it was definitely a former soviet state as she talked about all the good stalin had done for her country while it was under his control. everyone in the room was - and this isn't a phrase i really use anymore - shook. nobody knew what to say or how to react to a bona fide and vehement stalinist. it was at this point my general discomfort turned to a desire to flee.

not long after miss stalin lover had finished her tirade, a young lad i'd been working on a team with at the food bank left. he was nice enough, but strangely out of place being as posh as he was. picture an oxbridge boy who got lost and ended up at king's college studying the bizarre combination of philosophy and maths. though he said he just needed to go home, he'd had some of the same reservations i'd had so i suspect that might also be what tipped him over the edge.

emboldened by his exit, i also left. the serial caller guy hurried after me while another member hurried after oxbridge, asking what we thought of everything before we left. i relayed some of my discomfort and he made sure i knew that he and the organisation disagreed with stalin girl. after some light pressuring, i agreed to come back and help at the food bank sometime, letting him know i'd soon be going back to my hometown for the holidays and would be gone for about a month.

that's where things ended that day, but homeboy called me again about a week ago to follow up. i reminded him that i'm not in london right now and he said he'd call when i was back. i'm feeling uncomfortable with telling him i've decided i won't be coming to help again. i think i'll say something along the lines of i'm planning on volunteering somewhere closer to my flat because i can't afford to take a bus and a tube there and back every week. that's true, but not the whole story.

something else that might be interesting for those who have never been to any kind of leftist meeting: people call you comrade in complete seriousness. i wasn't shocked by this as it was the same in the socialist meetings i went to, but it does still feel weird.

[whentherewerebicycles]

goooood morning here’s me carrying ruthie when she got a little spooked by a noise on the trail and didn’t want to walk anymore lol. today is the last day of liz visit 😩😩😩😩 but we don’t have to leave for the airport until 4:30 so we have the whole long day ahead of us!!! I have my IUI at 9:20 this morning and am trying not to feel kinda glum about it in advance. let me catalogue the worries: I feel like the timing is weird this time (IUI on day 17 of my cycle instead of day 14/15) because the eggs grew slower (which also worries me because whyyy). I am also worried I used the wrong needle to inject the trigger shot because they sent two this time (for reasons unclear) and it was too late at night to call my doctor to ask which one to use. lastly I don’t feel like I’m noticing any ovulation signs even ~36 hours after the shot so what if it already happened or I messed up the shot. blehhh it’s fine I’m just afraid that even with all the extra monitoring and dosage adjustments we’re going to miss the window again. BUT you know the last four attempts didn’t succeed so maybe changing up the routine a lot is exactly what we need even if my brain is like you MUST do it EXACTLY right. anyway I am trying to acknowledge the anxiety and let it pass over & through me without settling into me etc etc. you know the drill.

today—liz and I are going to go into the city & just have a fun lowkey day of exploring! tbd what we actually do but I think it’s going to be a nice sunny day. after I drop her off tonight I want to try to do a quick circuit of returns while I’m out (target, kohl’s, old navy, world market) so I can hopefully get some $$ back. then I wanna go to bed early so I can be ready for my first day tomorrow!! I don’t have to meet my boss until 10am so I think I might try to get up at 6, coffee/lounge for a bit, and then take the dogs for a 45-60 min morning walk before showering at 8/leaving at 9:30.

I’m so nervous but also so excited! all the things I’m stressed about (like am I “old” enough for this role, do I have the requisite experience and competencies, will I be able to learn on the job, etc etc) are almost certainly things the hiring committee considered and discussed when they were evaluating me against other applicants. and they have MUCH deeper knowledge than I do of what the job entails and what kind of person is likely to succeed in this role. if they felt confident that I’d be able to adjust, adapt, and learn in the job even if I haven’t held a position at this level before, I should trust their (informed) judgment over my own (partial, probably anxiety-skewed) assessment. so: I’m holding those worries loosely too. and I know for a fact I’ll feel better once I hit the ground running. you only notice the nerves when you’re standing still thinking about them!

[p1325]

NSFW Ask: Answered so you won't need to answer them lol

1:When did you lose your virginity? I don't know, If you mean my anal virginity. When I was 22

2: Rough sex or soft sex? A bit of both

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? Socks as a view and suits but I'm not the one wearing it

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex? None

5: Favourite sex position? Almost all of them

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive? More subsmissive tbh

7: Have you ever had any one night stands? No and I'm not interested

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor? All of them

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place? No and I would never

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating? No

11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like? Boxers and briefs are enough

12: How often do you have sex? I haven't had sex since 2016 so….

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with? Yes and it's someone I talk to every day

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex? Giving

15: The most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex? I didn't feel his penis inside me during anal. It was awkward

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex? More like a playlist than a song

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? Same here answer above

18: Are you into dressing up for sex? It depends

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower? Both

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be? That man I told you about

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you? Meh

22: Do you/would you use sex toys? I prefer a real man tbh

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture? Yes

24: Would you have sex with your best friend? Ew no

25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink) Cuddles and maybe eating a meal like breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It depends on what part of the day sex happens

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny? The way he says my name and of course, the way he makes me feel

27: Early morning sex or late night sex? Both

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex? Long Hair

29: Favourite body part on the same sex? Everything beard, muscles, chest, eyes, etc….

30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: My Journals

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you: Someone humped me once, it was creepy

32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] No ew

33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: If there's deep trust it is

34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: Nutella on his weewee lol

35: Worst possible time to get horny: Maybe in public

36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans? Yes a lot especially when he calls me by my name and tells me romantic stuff

37: How much fapping is too much fapping: five times in a day

38: Best sexual complement you ever got: You look hot/You're handsome

39: Favorite foreplay activities: All of them

40: What do you wear to bed? My pjs

41: When was the first time you masturbated: I don't know, I haven't done it in a long time in all honesty

42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? No. I delete everything on my phone

43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? Never

44: Have/would you ever have sex in public? No lol

45: Have/would you ever had a threesome? No

46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? My fingers?

47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? Not really. Porn turns me off even though some of the performers are really handsome.

48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not) Yes. Because I love dick

49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? Nah. Hard pass

50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? There's nothing wrong with that

51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? I don't know lmao

52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? None

53: Do you watch porn? Already answered

54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? Yes because I was always horny for him lmao

55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? It depends

56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? Well it depends on hairy his penis is

57: If you could give yourself head, would you? No

58: Booty or Boobs? My Booty of course. Men love it

59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) No and I wouldn't

60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do? Definitely dress up and trying different clothes. I'd also try different hairstyles

61: have you ever watched someone masturbate? Yes 62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate? Yes

Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed? No

What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate) Prostate

What is your bra/penis size? I don't know

What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus? A candle lol

When was the last time you masturbated? I don't remember tbh

When was the last time you had sex? in 2016. I hated it

When was the last time you watched porn? Three months ago, I don't know. Does Tumblr count?

Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do? No

Guys: Circumcised? Nope

Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched? My hair and my butt

Which genital part of your body do you like being touched? My butthole

Girls: Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation? I'm not a girl but yes I love it

Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on Tumblr? Once

When was the last time you had a wet dream? I don't know

Which wet dream was your favorite? Me and this man I talk to having wild sex like we haven't seen each other in a long time. It was so real and beautiful

Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with? I mean, I wouldn't call him a ''friend'' in the first place

Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with? I don't know. There are some handsome male celebrities honestly

Favorite sexual position? All of them

Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed? Only If he tells me I'm his little slut or whore. When it comes to the rest, nah. It turns me off

Are you into any BDSM? No. I hate it

Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldn't for any reason? Why? Yes, it's because of distance or lost interest for no reason

Do you like dirty talk? It depends on my mood

Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation? I can be both

Have you ever been interrupted during sex or masturbation? Who/what? Yes, my family

What kind of porn do you like to watch? I'm not into porn but If I had to choose, I love casting and pov porn because I imagine myself to be as the bottom or at least I get the top's view. I'd love to record a sex tape with the love of my life in all honesty so I can keep it for myself lol

Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbating to them? Kinda

Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them? Yes, several times.

Have you ever had a one-night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them? No

Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Are they still beneficial? No, and I'm not interested

Ask whatever you want. Is it over?