#they are quite literally mirror images of each other I’m obsessed

[stopeatingwhales]

"how come we've never spoken before?" x noel gallagher

why haven't I written anything for noel in ages??????? anyways this was so cute I hope u lot like it <33

Pairing: 1990! noel gallagher x reader

Warnings: none :)

Word count: 1.951

Requested by anon x

༉‧₊˚✧

“You wanna come over tonight?” Liam asked me as we were walking out of the sixth form building. “Our kids coming to pick us up so was wondering if you wanted to come with.”

“Yeah alright.” I nodded, linking my arm with Liam as we walked out of the gates together. Going over to the Gallagher residence wasn’t an uncommon matter, if anything I was over at theirs at least once a week. Since their father had left the environment was always pleasant, his mum always cooking the best, most delicious meals which caused your body to crave it again each and every day until you returned back for dinner once again. As well as that, being able to spend time with Liam was always an enjoyable experience - him being my best friend since first joining the college, we hadn’t been able to separate ourselves from each other since. Of course, we would have different friends, different groups, but we always turned back to each other - something that I adored most about our relationship; we didn’t constantly need to be with one another to consider each other our best friend. Whenever I was over we would relax in his room, talking about practically everything and everything, sometimes smoking a joint by his window to prevent his mum finding out, even though the stench of it would stick to our clothes like glue - giving it away instantaneously.

After exiting the school gates, we walked for a bit until we reached the nearest neighbourhood of houses, where Noel said he would pick Liam up. To waste the time, Liam brought out a spliff from his pocket, placing it between his lips, then lighting it, him failing a couple times to get the lighter to produce a flame. “Give me a hit,” I said, watching Liam as he quickly inhaled the roll of weed, then passing it to me, a wave of smoke hitting my face from Liam’s mouth. “Stop that you twat.”

There was hardly anybody outside, from the look of the area, merely just the occasional car whizzing past us, causing the empyrean of smoke discarded from our throats to diffuse into the atmosphere. It produced a clear contrast against the skies, which had little to no clouds visible at all. Having a clear, sunny day in Manchester wasn’t something ordinary; it was a rarity, but for the past year the weather had been brilliant, though brilliant becomes unlivable when the temperature continues to increase to the thirties, celsius wise. That’s when the nature of constant traffic, crowded streets and lengthy queues at the ice cream machine disperse into their homes - the sun being too strong it becomes a chore to leave the house. Having the world so silent, hushed, brings another kind of tranquillity to the mind. Watching an inanimate street fixated in the same position, as if it were a ghost-town, encompasses that feeling of being the only person present in the world at that moment, which makes you realise that the life you live is not lead to be controlled of dictated by others - it is yours, and it is something in which you hold complete control over.

After a couple minutes of small talk shared between me and Liam, a small car drove past us, stopping promptly as the windows rolled down, indicating that it was Noel. Me and Liam quickly rushed out of the sun that was beaming down at us, to get inside his car; Liam hopping in the passenger seat next to his brother whilst I occupied the middle seat in the back. “Hi Noel.” I said softly, smiling at him through the rear view mirror, our eyes connecting for a short second whilst he greeted me back, then turning to greet Liam before taking off. Mine and Noel’s relationship wasn’t anything special: we spoke here and there, but since he usually was occupied by hanging out with friends, or travelling as a groupie for Inspiral Carpets, we never conversed much. It was a mere relationship formulated from my closeness with Liam, as manners are important - even if Liam shows the opposite. I was quite intrigued by Noel disregarding his conventional absences; he seemed to lead a life which was exciting and alluring, and was a complete contrast against Liam’s persona from what I had noticed. Liam was more into sports, mainly football, and causing havoc wherever he could (me constantly joining him since he knew how to have an absolute good time), whilst Noel seemed completely consumed by music and the wonders of working with bands. Regardless, they shared some idiosyncrasies, one thing in particular definitely being their love for weed.

Once we arrived at the house, we were greeted by Liam’s mum, who welcomed me in lovingly. “Always a pleasure to have you over, Y/N,” she said as I broke away from the embrace we shared to allow me to take off my shoes. “Liam, I'm going to need you to help me in the kitchen today.” she then said to Liam, whose face then dropped in complete annoyance.

“Why?” he moaned in response, sighing at his mum whilst removing his shoes. “Y/N’s literally here!”

“Maybe because you haven’t done the washing up for over a week, Liam,” she responded, turning her gaze to look at me, rolling her eyes at his demeanour. “Y/N’s not going anywhere, it won’t take you a year.”

After we were able to get Liam to do his chores, I told him that I would be waiting upstairs for him, in his and Noel’s room. Once I went inside, I wandered around the medium-sized room, finding my way over to Noel’s side, especially fixated on the stack of records that he had owned, aligned by the table next to the record player. He had all sorts of bands; the Beatles, the Who, the Smiths, Sex Pistols... All the best artists. The more and more I found out about him the interest I had about him increased. He seemed like a cool older brother to have, and share a room with, even though Liam sees boys in bands quite odd - which is humorous, since he’s practically an entity of his own. Proceeding to pick up a vinyl by the Smiths, the album in particular being the Queen is Dead, I admired the cover whilst grasping it in my palms. The Smiths were the only band that seemed to use the most aimless, but oddy aesthetic images of random men as their album covers - most likely courtesy of Morrissey’s desires - though I suppose is one element which creates the artistic composition of the band, and their music. Snapping me out of the trance I was consumed in, a voice echoed in the room, one which was definitely not Liam’s. “Like what you see?”

Turning around to find out who it was, I was accosted by the sight of Noel, who was holding a warm mug of tea. Flustered, I placed the vinyl back in the stack before taking a seat on Liam’s bed. “Sorry,” I mumbled, looking at Noel whilst playing with my fingers in my lap.

View stuck on him, I watched him walk to his bedside table, placing his mug of tea on the coaster, then reaching out to grab the vinyl that was once embraced by my palms. “You like the Smiths?” he asked, his eyes now connecting to my gaze.

“Yeah I do,” I said, smiling slightly at his question. “That’s my favourite album of theirs actually.”

“Didn’t expect that from you,” He replied back, taking a sip from his mug of tea before taking the vinyl out of its sleeve and placing it on the record player, watching the needle intently as it gently dropped onto the black disc before sitting back on his bed. The title track’s intro then seeped into the silence of the room, paired by Noel humming along to it. “Think their debut was better, if I’m honest.”

“Well preference always matters,” I answered back, walking over to his bed to grab the vinyl sleeve, gazing at the lyric sheets, also taking a seat next to Noel. I felt his stare on me, but I attempted to ignore it as I focused on the little verses of poetry in one of the songs. “Morrissey is such a depressing writer.”

A laugh rumbled at his throat at my absentminded comment. Averting my gaze, I looked at Noel and smiled again. “I’m not wrong!”

“What else you into?” he asked me, curiosity laced in his tone as he diverted the topic.

“Everything else you listen to really, I looked through most of your vinyls,” I replied, watching Noel as his eyebrows furrowed together in shock, my smile widening as I felt my cheeks start to burn slightly - I had never thought that I’d be having a genuine conversation with Noel. “Especially the Beatles, Liam’s told me how much you love them.”

Noel was impressed, and it showed on his face quite evidently. “What’s your favourite album by them then?”

Looking away for a couple seconds, I thought of a response. “Probably Sergeant Peppers. Was their most innovative stuff, in my opinion at least.”

We continued to ramble on about music for a short while, Noel continuing to act excessively shocked whenever I had told him I had indeed listened or liked an artist he questioned. It was nice to finally discuss music with somebody since Liam was never really into it. “You’d never expect me to listen to all of this because I’m friends with a lunatic.”

Another laugh left Noel’s mouth, a smile stuck on his lips. “All he’s obsessed with is football, I don’t even get how you’re both mates.”

“Opposites attract.” I answered back, leaning back to have my back against the wall as we continued to talk. My cheeks began to hurt after a while of us chatting, due to the smile that was unable to leave my lips.

“How come we’ve never spoken properly before?” He asked, walking over to flip the vinyl to side B. “You’re cool.” he added in a mumble, almost as if he didn’t want it to be heard.

I felt blood slightly rush to my cheeks after the compliment fell from his lips, my top teeth clinging onto my bottom lip as a wave of nervousness washed over me. “Maybe because you’re always out.”

A hum of agreement rumbled from his throat as my eyes fixated themselves on the white ceiling. I could see that Noel was staring at me through my peripheral, which caused my cheeks to increase their redness, only slightly. “We should hang out sometime.”

Connecting eyes with him, I admired his dark brown orbs for a second, before I responded. “We should.”

Breaking our moment together, we were welcomed by an exhausted Liam rushing into the room, breathing heavily from his jog up the stairs. Falling onto the bed, me and Noel shared a moment of laughter as we simply stared at Liam’s state. “What’re you lot laughing about?”

Me and Noel turned to look at one another, sharing a gaze once again. There was a specific glint in his eyes which I marveled at, his face beaming at me, only causing me to reciprocate in the same manner. Our stare meant more than what it was, a certain tension was held between us that was felt by both participants. Especially for Noel, whose heart was pumping as if it were about to burst out of his chest, his cheeks a little flushed out of admiration for the girl sitting next to him. “Nothing.” we replied, giggling slightly as our eyes stayed glued on one another.

[exquisitley-obsessed]

Fiancés, Firebirds, Foxes and Fawns: 2

Author: @exquisitley-obsessed​

Summary: A few weeks after Briallyn's attempt at uniting with Koschei, Lucien opens the door of Lockhart Manor to find Elain, cold from the rain and holding a note from the High Lady of the Night Court demanding her to assist Lucien in building alliances with the human councils. Forced to work together by their exhausted High Lord and Lady, Elain is able to convince anyone to do anything, while Lucien has the acquaintances to go anywhere he likes. Together, they attempt to unite the fae and mortal lands and unravel the deal made between Koschei and Vassa, while Lucien remains haunted by his own promise to Elain's father. ELUCIEN, POST-ACOSF

Pairings: Elain x Lucien, Elucien

Warnings: None.

A/N: This is going to be a long, slow burn fic (hopefully)

MY MASTERLIST

THIS FIC’S MASTERLIST

AO3

Chapter Two: Interrogations

Historically, it is well known for males to experience the mating bond more viscerally, though this is no strict criterion. For example, in the case of two males being bonded, the mating bond appears to be less demanding and settles with more ease. It is males mated to females who appear to struggle. There are many theories for this, such as male/female bonding resulting in strong offspring which drives the males to copulate. Some even argue that the male’s desire comes from the Mother’s lover himself, who’s believed to have taken fire into his soul in order to reach the Motherland and mate her, and it is a bead of this fire which awakens in males when they feel the mating bond catalysed. As such, we find there being many social customs regarding mated males, such as being wary of their ease to anger and protectiveness and their overtly increased sex drive which-

“Good book?” Feyre flopped down next to Elain, Nyx having just been placed in his cradle which appeared more like a cage given the mesh wiring over the top, ‘just so he doesn’t get any ideas about flying away’, Feyre had grinned.

“It’s okay,” Elain smiled at her sister as she marked her place and set it down.

“Oh,” Feyre grinned as she eyed the title, “Interested in the bond are we?” She was just teasing, but Elain couldn’t stop the flush in her cheeks, particularly given her recent discovery on just how, physical, the bond was.

“Well considering I do have mate, I thought it was about time I looked into it.”

“You can ask me anything,” Feyre smiled kindly. “I mean, technically you could ask Nesta too but, she still isn’t the biggest fan of Lucien.” Even hearing his name on someone else’s tongue sent a bolt of energy through Elain.

“Well, I was wondering…”

“Yeah?”

“Are they really supposed to be your soulmate?”

“Well, yes and no. That’s the problem with mating bonds, they sort of mould themselves around the two people it’s attached to. It’s different with everyone. Like me and Rhys, we have a really clear mental communication, I can talk to him even if I was on the other side of Prythian, but that’s because we’re both dementias and the bond’s playing to that strength.

“Nesta and Cassian, well, I can’t speak for them, but it seems they connect on world view. Their lives are inherently interlinked with death and that’s what connects them…amongst, other, things,” Feyre giggled, “It really is different for everyone. And sometimes, yes, the bond connects two people who don’t seem to fit with one another, like Rhys’ parents for example. I don’t know if you’ve got to this section yet,” Feyre nodded to the book, “But some see the bond as not restrained to time. That’s why you and Lucien felt the bond snap into place even before you knew each other. Some people think that when you have ‘poor’ pairings, they not really bad matches but rather, the bond saw the two for their potential rather than what they were at the time.”

Elain’s brow furrowed. She’d wanted to read the book to make herself feel better, she’d never admit it to herself, but she was somewhat looking for a big flashing sign that pointed to Lucien and said ‘He’s your soulmate! You’re a perfect match! You’ll never have to worry about be alone again!’. But reading the book had only made it more complicated. The reality was, Lucien was to have a significant role in her life, whether she wanted him to or not.

“But…I don’t know…” Elain rolled her neck, “Is it worth it?”

“Is what worth it? The bond?”

“No…well, yes. I mean,” Elain thought for a moment, “I just don’t understand how the universe could expect me to fight for someone who I don’t know.”

“Yeah, I do see how that’s a bit unfair but, do you not think the bond’s doing that on purpose?”

“What do you mean?

“Well, it looks like the bond is demanding you take a leap of faith. Giving you Lucien the minute you set eyes on him is, well, it changed your whole world, right?”

“I know,” Elain huffed.

“No, what I mean is…maybe that’s the point?” Feyre was now more talking to herself. “Maybe…” Feyre trailed off before turning and eyeing her sister up and down.

“What?” Elain implored, and Feyre just shook her head, deep in thought.

“It’s just, I’ve been trying to figure it out y’know, you and Lucien, I think we all have.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No, it’s just, he’s…well he’s loud and flirty and he can’t shut up for the life of him, it’s why he’s missing that damn eye. And you’re quiet and shy, and you just, you care about everything but…” Feyre was grinning now.

“What?”

“No, no, never mind. I just…” Feyre only smiled wider.

“No, I’m not going to say!” And then Feyre was up, collecting empty mugs from the coffee table.

“Feyre, you can’t leave, you haven’t helped me!”

“Feyre, you can’t leave, you haven’t helped me!”

“I know, I know, look, truth time,” Feyre turned back around, her smile now replaced by her High Lady look, “You’re right, you don’t know if it’s worth it. You and Lucien might turn out like Rhys’ parents, or worse…but he is your mate, and he’s not going anywhere.”

“So, what, I just proposition him next time he’s here?” Elain sighed, running a hand through her hair, feeling the same kernel of disappointment in her gut whenever she thought of Lucien on the other side of the country, avoiding the mating bond, avoiding her.

“Or you could go to him?” Elain snapped her head to her sister, who was wearing an easy smile.

“What?”

“You could go to the human lands and stay with him and his, what’s it, ‘Band of Exiles’.”

“What, just show up?”

“Actually, it’s not such a terrible idea,” Again, Feyre was now talking to herself, “Lucien’s been struggling to get the humans on board and you, well you might be perfect for the job. You understand how humans work and you had to deal with paperwork from father, not to mention the fact that quite literally no one can say no to you-”

“Lucien can,” Elain grumbled without thinking and Feyre grinned at her with a stupid, all-knowing smile.

“Elain, if you wanted, I’m sure you could have Lucien crawling around on all fours.” Elain looked away from her sister, ignoring the fact that the image popped into her mind before she could stop it, and especially ignoring the way her whole body seemed to flush in response.

“The only problem might be getting Rhys on board,” Feyre’s mind appeared to be working a mile a minute. “With what happened with Briallyn he’s a bit more, well, Rhysand than usual. And you know how he sees you.” Yes, the big brotherly talks had been slightly more regular given Nyx’s arrival. Elain supposed it was Rhysand’s subconscious way of reaching out.

“I’ll be fine if Lucien is there,” Elain shrugged non-committedly, though something zipped the length of her spine as she spoke his name aloud. One thing Elain, and everyone else could be certain of, is that Lucien would keep her safe.

“Look at you trying to manipulate around your High Lord.”

“Not manipulate-”

“I know, I know,” Feyre grinned as she peered over the edge of Nyx’s crib. “Look, on a serious note, there is work that needs doing down in the human lands if you’re up for it. After Briallyn we need a stronger base to represent the fae in the mortal world. Some more eyes and ears wouldn’t hurt and, quite frankly, whilst Lucien knows exactly how to work a court of fae, I don’t know how well he’s faring with councils of humans.”

Elain thought for a moment, truly considering what it would mean if she were to take on this role. It would mean accepting responsibility, being held accountable if she made a mistake, one that couldn’t fixed with some new seeds and freshly turned soil. She’d be on the other side of the world, away from her sisters – away from Nesta – for the first time, well, ever.

“I…” Elain began softly, “I think I’d like to go.”

“Really?” Despite Feyre’s enthusiasm in discussing Elain’s potential in leaving, it was clear that she was still mostly expecting Elain to pass on the opportunity.

“I can’t tend to my little gardens forever,” Elain shrugged, “With Lucien there I should be perfectly safe and, well, it’s human territory. I know those lands, arguably better than you and Nesta.”

“Yes, yes, yes,” Feyre nodded furiously, though she seemed to not really be listening to her older sister, her mind was already helping Elain pack her dresses. “I’ll speak with Rhysand and sort out the particulars.”

“Will you,” Elain blushed without meaning to, “Will you warn Lucien? That I’m coming?” Feyre shrugged, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“I don’t have to. Technically, as his High Lady I can do whatever I want, and he just has to roll with it.”

“Okay,” Elain let loose a breath, “Don’t tell him then. I’d just…I’m not sure. I suppose I’d just rather not spook him.”

“Whatever you say sis,” Feyre grinned, and Elain allowed her own lips to mirror her sisters, the excitement and reality of the adventure she was about to undertake truly setting in. Feyre turned to leave.

“Oh Feyre…let’s not tell Nesta…at least not till I’m already gone.”

***

“Hello, earth to Lucien?”

“What? Oh...sorry, go on,” Lucien muttered, shifting is attention back to Vassa whom he was supposed to be chatting to. This was their routine, when the sun finally dipped under the horizon and Vassa returned to her mortal form, she’d waltz into the manor before disappearing upstairs to change from the cloak she left out for herself into a queen’s gown. Today she’d come down wearing a deep crimson dress made of velvet, grumbling about how the storm that was currently beating against the windows, had quite literally ruffled her feathers. The evening was then to be spent in the Manor’s sitting room, sprawled on velvet couches as Jurian informed Vassa of the recent developments regarding the human councils, and Lucien told her of the fae lands.

Normally, Lucien would last till the early hours of the morning before leaving Vassa to whatever activities she wished to complete before the sun rose and her body was changed back into that of a firebird. But these past few nights Lucien had caught himself staying awake till almost sunrise, only getting an hour or two sleep before he was up again, his body alive with energy as he strode out into the woods in the early morning light.

Everything about Lucien felt unsettled and alive, and it had been that way since the previous week when Lucien had woke to his mate’s tears running down his cheeks. What could’ve upset her so badly? Had something happened at the Night Court? He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been waiting for a note from Rhysand or Feyre informing him of a terribly tragic event that had occurred when he was on the other side of the world. Even if nothing had happened, it could of, and Elain could’ve been seriously hurt. What was he doing on this side of the world? He should be there, even if she didn’t know what she wanted, at least he could keep her safe while she thought. But with no note, he didn’t know why sweet Elain was so agonisingly sad, and there was no reason besides the bond’s invasion of privacy for him to see her. But it seemed that he couldn’t relax until he found the cause of her pain. Found it and burned it to ashes.

“Lucien!”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Dinner, tomorrow evening, Nolan Manor – Mother did you get any of that?” Vassa’s eyes were light and her tone teasing, but Lucien was feeling more beast than man with his bond so wound up.

“No offence, Vassa, but I think you might be finally losing it if you think I’d be interested in dinner at the Nolan’s.” Lucien rolled his shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension as he looked back down at the book he’d been pretending to read for the past hour. He could feel Vassa’s eyes on him, assessing him as she always did whenever he came into conversation, which was far too often for his liking.

“Are you still on that?” Vassa eventually huffed, tucking her legs up under herself on the armchair. Lucien just raised a brow at her. Had anything changed? Was Graysen any less of a dickhead? If not, then yes, he supposed he was still on that.

“Our dear Lucien’s a mated male, Vassa,” Jurian quipped without raising his head from his paperwork. “It’s how these things work.”

“But it’s not really fair on Graysen is it?” Vassa flicked a fiery strand of hair over her shoulder.

“Not fair?” Lucien ground the two words out, feeling something animalistic rear its head inside of him. But beyond the primal urges of the bond and any threats to it, Lucien did genuinely dislike the boy. What he did to Elain was beyond cruel, and if he had done that to anyone Lucien would’ve still disliked the boy, granted he might not be baring his teeth at Vassa as he was doing now.

“He did give us the manor, Lucien,” the queen’s voice taunted him.

“One act of kindness doesn’t make him any less of an asshole,” Lucien’s own voice was low and daunting, as though he were daring Vassa to make another comment. Lucien hadn’t intended for his tone to turn brutal and dark, but Vassa clearly had no education in the expectations of a mated male.

“No, but he’s still the asshole putting a roof over our heads,” Vassa sighed, setting her book down. “Does it really upset you?”

“What?”

“Having him help us?”

“We don’t need his help.”

“No,” Vassa cocked her head, “But it’s certainly been of great use.”

“You like him?” Lucien spat, feeling something sour flood his gums as he pulled on his inner leash. Vassa was his friend. Vassa was supposed to be his friend, and Lockhart Manor was supposed to be the place in which he could escape from the demands of this bond.

“He didn’t do anything to me,” Vassa shrugged nonchalantly, “In fact, all he’s been to me is kind and accommodating. Why should I have a problem with him?”

“You know why.” Something feral was awakening in Lucien as he spat those three words at the queen, and in response to the autumn son’s anger, the fire flared dangerously, filling the room with the sound of snapping wood.

“Really?” Vassa’s eyes widened slightly as she assessed Lucien, evidentially amused by his grip on the chair’s armrests and the deathly look in his eye. “That girl can do this to you when she hasn’t even shown her face in-”

“Vassa,” Jurian’s sing-song voice curled into the air from where he was hunched over the worktable, signing off contracts, “Whilst it’s delicious to poke the beast, you can only go so long before it’ll bite.”

“Maybe that’s what I was hoping for,” Vassa shrugged nonchalantly as she inspected her nails. Lucien just glared into the fire, done with this conversation and done with his friends, at least for the night. Sometimes they forgot that he wasn’t like them, that he was fae, and he more or less operated in an entirely different world to them. He couldn’t blame them though, sometimes he forgot too.

Talking of Graysen had Lucien’s thoughts once more swirling of Elain. Though there was no concern in these thoughts, just admiration. He was picturing her in the cream gown she’d worn when he’d come one day to hand deliver a stack of reports to Rhysand. It was made of cotton and lace, the same hearty materials so often found in towns of Autumn. It was so unlike the favoured revealing cuts of Night Court fashion, and so Elain in every sense. The soft gold and white colours, the layered skirts and fluttering sleeves. Looking at her as she tucked herself into a small ball on a sofa, a hefty book balanced on her lap, Lucien had wished that he’d met Elain when she was human, when she was happy and content. Maybe then she would just see him for, well, him. Not a reminder of everything terrible that had happened to her.

“I’m sorry about prodding Lucien,” Vassa smiled at him, pulling him from his thoughts as her freckled cheeks dimpled. “Can I make it up to you by letting you beat me at cards?” She was baiting him, daring him to bite back that no one ‘let’ Lucien do anything but, tonight Lucien was tired. Of everything.

“I’m tapping out,” was all Lucien said in response, standing from his armchair and throwing his book down behind him. The storm was now torrential, and Lucien welcomed the chaos, somewhat comforted by the idea of lying down in the dark and listening to the rain batter against the windows as he brooded himself to sleep.

So, Lucien set off for the stairs, happy to leave his friends to themselves for the rest of the night, but he’d only managed to cross the room before a short, shy knock reverberated from the front door and sent a wave of cautious silence and shock throughout the room.

[life-rewritten]

Lovely Writer Episode 3/4; The Discovery of Identity; Transformation, Perceptions and Hidden Ideals

Writing about this show is interesting, mostly because I have so much to say about everything. With this show it’s layers upon layers upon layers, it’s a lot of information even if it seems like a cheesy BL and like a typical storyline. The story tackles with so much irony and hints and clues to unveil and also representations of real life that takes sensitivity and time to understand and acknowledge. The show is so good already in 3-4 episodes and it’s also at times soft and romantic whilst also at times real and painful about some of the truths about society and the acting and writing industry. The director, screen writers and producers of the show have come with this ideology that they are making a BL storyline but they do not want to repeat the same mistakes as the previous, no instead they will call it out, educate the audience and also still have flawed characters learn and grow from their actions. That’s why with this show even the villains are not villains per say but humans who are forced to act the way they do to survive, they’re understandable and have reasons for why they will end up being an obstacle but also this show has no heroes, at first it seems that Gene and Sib the main characters are going to be perfect, and one dimensional caricatures that fall in love with no personality, depth or growth but actually both of them are flawed, have interesting perspectives on things, attitudes to people and ways of thinking that is vital to connecting them to where the story is going. And that’s brilliant. Whilst episode 3 is more information and outlook into the other characters as Gene deals with pressure of the industry and people and his new feelings for Nubsib, episode 4 is a softer , calmer episode dealing with Gene and Nubsib actually making their relationship mean something to the audience, showing that they could have a chance to grow a healthy, romantic love story and not the toxic, worrisome ones we feared.  And I adored both episodes. So this essay we are going to be focusing on the love story of Gene and Nubsib portrayed in these two episodes, but also how it connects to Gene’s self awareness, and also unveiling Nubsib’s character more and changing him from being seen in a sinister scary light to a soft romantic light instead.

The Price of Ambition: The Effects of Pressure

So First of all Episode 3 maps out what the writers and director want to achieve with this show. I tend to think this show becomes like a self insert for the director/writer. What they make Gene say about the way a story should be written, is also what they want to tackle and achieve with this. The nightmare scene discusses about the physical nature of BLs when it comes to NC scenes, the show mocks the lack of actually talking about the reality about what that entails by showing us Gene learn about positions and educate himself on that topic, but also it mocks the audience who expected from the books for the show to be more explicit and aggressive with NC since that’s what happens in the novel with Gene and Nubsib. Gene says in the nightmare scene that all he wants is a story that does not need that type of content to get fans but focuses on the depth of its characters, fleshing out their romance and showing why they are in love, a way to make the audience focus on the humanity of the characters as they fall in love. And that’s exactly what immediately the show starts to show, we start to immediately after the nightmare scene see Nubsib’s true colours and realise he’s not just with Gene for physical chemistry but he’s actually warm, comfortable and his love for Gene is actually quite pure and innocent despite him using inauthenticity to show it. So that’s important to think about because the next episode goes into more detail as well about these two’s romance, we start to really flesh out our characters opinions on companionship and love and we evade a NC scene by focusing on gentleness, devotion and protective love that Nubsib has for Gene as he ensures that he treats Gene properly and does the right thing and wait for consent. That’s one of the best things about this show, it will talk about the issues of BL industry but it’s not going to repeat the same mistakes its making. Yes Nubsib seems like a typical controlling, manipulative BL lead but actually he’s different and all we have to do is wait to understand why he’s hiding who he is and what his aims are. But the show is also not afraid to talk about flawed characters, and problematic actions, we may have characters that make mistakes because that’s life but they will learn from those actions. This is why I’m really in love with this show.

 Episode 3-4 also tackles transformation and the discovery and awareness of self. Especially since in episode 3 the theme is pressure, the pressure to conform which makes Hin want to start writing new BL novels like Gene did so he can get more success and notice from his writing, pressure to be something different like Aey has to do because he’s pressured to act romantic on set with Nubsib with people who objectify and sexualise them, and pressure for Gene to write more NC scenes and lose his own values and ideas on what he wants his content to be like. So there is this idea of pressure causing characters to transform and push down parts of them self.

Desperation and Transformation

I do not know where Hin is going in the storyline of course episode 4 focuses most of the story on the development and intimacy of Gene and Sib’s new relationship but in episode 3, I still feel like I could be right about Hin. Hin is a mirror image of Gene just like Aey is a mirror image of Nubsib. Both of them are exposing the hidden flaws of the characters.  The more we focus on him the more we have a storyline for him building, we’ve been told he wants to be a writer,  he’s not making money, he’s not being noticed, he has a lot of things that he wants to do but his sacrifices hint that there is a desperation in him that I think it’s really important to observe and notice that’s going to make him soon snap or act out. In episode 3 Hin mentions his new BL novel more, and he asks Gene to look into it. I do need to mention that Hin and Gene have essentially the same outline/novel idea because it’s both based on the love story of Gene and Nubsib brewing. Gene is writing about an actor and a writer falling in love with each other, Hin is writing about an editor in chief falling in love with an actor it’s really similar, like really really similar as a layout, it may be different because he doesn’t always see them but what are the odds that he is writing out the same dynamics as Gene’s new novel and asking to Gene to look at it. If the novel ends up being similar isn’t he essentially a rival to Gene? Where is Hin’s storyline going? No matter how much I want to say his journey is to write and become popular and to assert himself with his BL writing, I just don’t see it not being more important?

 All I see is a layout for Gene and him being rivals even though it doesn’t seem like it right now but for him to be like Gene you’re my idol, I look up to you and I really love you, yeah positivity, it’s great he’s inspired by Gene, it’s great that he feels these emotions towards Gene, and there’s no hostility, but I do think that if he thinks Gene is taking writing for granted, or doing something that makes him look like he’s taking that path for granted, then he would be affected, and be disappointed, and disappointment breeds resentment so I think it’s really interesting Hin isn’t being noticed by the publisher, he’s in a desperate situation right now,  pressured right now to do something good and so he’s started to start writing BLs similar to Gene, I can’t help see similarities to ideas about plagiarism, because twice they have mentioned him being immensely helpful and writing the same ideas as Gene, I can’t help notice that they’re both writing for the same publisher and one of their new books is going to be seen as more fit for the publisher, and three Tee has directed and loved characters that seem positive and obsessed with the main character only for that character to be revealed to be the obsession drove that person to villainy. Pressure and Desperation reaches a height with him, and he reacts by giving into that and being an obstacle to Gene later. I love Hin right now but I can’t help thinking he’s going to be an obstacle to Gene and Nubsib, I can’t help thinking he’s an obstacle to writing path of Gene because   he really could sacrifice Gene to become like Gene, to replace Gene, because he needs money and notoriety to make it as a  writer.  Hin also mentioning Gene as an idol is mirroring Nubsib because that’s exactly what Nubsib also sees him as, Nubsib relates to Hin, because  he understands being affected and looking up to him the same way.  Gene gives him a positive feeling and makes him want to do well, and pushes him to do more I’m guessing.

There is twice that Gene is mentioned as an idol to others, he’s an idol to Hin and he’s an idol to Aey. Nubsib does not like that Aey has read Gene’s novels, he does not like the fact that Aey seems really supportive towards Gene. One Nubsib can call out bullshit, because he’s king of faking and pretending,   and as mentioned Aey is like Nubsib’s mirror character, I think Nubsib knows how fake Aey is and he sees Aey as a rival. I really do think the mirror characters may be rivals to each other to and that’s the pattern. Two is Nubsib jealous because he thinks there’s any chance for Gene and Aey to get close? The jealousy and frustration and possessiveness he feels for Gene around Aey is something that needs to be noticed, because Sib definitely has an issue with Aey only he and Aey knows about. I don’t know why he’s so upset about Aey’s actions because he’s literally doing the same thing, he sees Gene as an idol etc, so why’s he upset about Aey unless he sees Aey in him  and that he’s just as fake as he is being. So there’s two reactions from Nubsib towards the two who mention they look up to Gene, one is jealousy and disgust and anger towards Aey and the other is support and understanding towards Hin.

In the episode where the nightmare scene talks about how Gene wants to focus on characters and not focus on the sexual relationships of the BL storyline, not focus on the toxicity of the characters but the depth and reality about their relationship and personalities, we finally get to see the answer to our question, Nubsib is 100% in love with Gene, there is no  weird scary feelings about him in both episode 3 and 4. Episode 3 exposes how he feels for Gene, his natural state and personality with Gene, even when Gene is not watching him, he’s still devoted and caring about him when Gene is sick, he doesn’t need to do that if he’s being creepy and evil and what not, every single thing he does with Gene it’s like there’s a hold on him, and he forgets where he is and it’s just filled with ultimate devotion, ultimate care, and three Nubsib is someone who cares and cherishes Gene so much that his consent is important to him. Nubsib is very practical and serious about issues with consent, even with the kiss, he ensures Gene is okay with it, even in episode 4, he struggles to not give in to Gene’s drunk demands telling Gene he’ll wait till he’s ready. He’s not forceful, he’s not controlling, all he wants is for Gene to be near him and okay.

 Now you could argue that there is a line between non consent and manipulation/coercion but I do think Nubsib was falling more into the line of coercion a little bit as first like manipulating a need for a kiss, but the most important thing that has been noticed since episode 2, is that it’s not by force, he gives Gene a lot of options repeatedly, even if he acts all sad to get guilt, or what he wants. It’s also not because he is sad that Gene is like let’s do whatever it is, it’s more like Gene sees it as opportunity to get better with his writing since Sib inspires him to write, but also he feels comfortable and safe with Nubsib. Nubsib asking for consent is something I really appreciate about him and something I like about him so much.

  Gene’s self discovery is also explored in episode 4 more when we have an episode that just focuses on him and Nubsib starting their relationship. There is a transformation of Gene who is avoidant and evasive of companionship to someone who starts to want that and see the value in that by living with Nubsib for almost a month. By the end of episode 3, his fear of vulnerability and the truth makes him regress and try to bring back what he sees as normal and get some kind of control of his environment that Nubsib has successfully invaded in.

Nubsib; The catalyst for transformation and inspiration

Nubsib causes Gene to have a transformation. Not that being an introvert is a bad thing, I’m an introvert and I also dislike always being forced to go out and hang out in large crowds. But it’s about how Nubsib’s presence is essentially making Gene become better, discover his loneliness in distancing himself from people due to his obsession and focus on writing. Nubsib makes Gene feel good and that’s why you see a difference in him from episode 3-4 after spending just almost a month with him. Even though I was confused with his transformation this episode just because he seemed more outgoing, a bit more open to people, as we see in episode 4, his work is what pulls him away from people but also it’s how he feels when he’s surrounded by people who make him feel uncomfortable. People who bring out worry, insecurity and more. He rather just focus on writing than deal with those people.

I do agree that Nubsib is invasive until episode 4 ha. Gene is an introvert. And as one the way Nubsib does invade his space was a lot, but Nubsib just has feelings for Gene, he’s a doe eyed puppy around him, he loses himself basically when he gets into caring mode with Gene, he doesn’t try to hide his support and eagerness to be with Gene and show him affection,  because it’s so automatic for him to  take care of him, protect him, treat him, because he sees Gene as a romantic partner so I do agree it is uncomfortable but that’s not the reason why Gene is even weird about it. Episode 3 and 4 is about Gene’s internalised homophobia about his sexuality. When Gene starts to put two and two about his feelings for Nubsib he explodes with anxiety and anger because he’s still struggling to accept who he is, but also he has a lot of misunderstandings and biased opinions about what being gay/queer actually means. Because of the way BL has made him view it as unrealistic, shallow, and well toxic, not that being gay is that, but he believes him ending up that way makes him like the characters in his novel, makes him be part of a world he’s seen so negatively about, something he’s trying to escape from because of seeing it as shallow and toxic. When Nubsib invades Gene’s space as well, its for positive reasons  it’s not  him purposely trying to make Gene uncomfortable, it’s to help and make sure Gene is okay, safe and cared for. So it’s not because Gene is scared by Nubsib’s actions because he’s scary but it’s because of panic and repressed feelings he’s felt for him since episode 1. So these are ways we can tell that Nubsib’s feelings under his façade is genuine, he’s just like Aey and others where they are inspired and affected by Gene.

Nubsib: The catalyst for transformation and self discovery

The past two episodes instead of seeing Nubsib being ‘shady’ just like what Gene wanted from the nightmare scene, we saw Nubsib’s good side. His genuine personality with Gene is exactly how he treats him. What I’ve decided with Sib’s character is he’s not evil, manipulative or someone so powerful he thinks he can get with everything. He’s not greedy or scary. He’s just a spoilt child. A child who wants attention, a child who feels neglected, hence he acts like how a spoilt child does, he manipulates the situation to get what he wants and is  a brat, but acts like an innocent person on the surface to get what he wants but he’s in a position of being used to getting what he wants, a position of power especially with Tum who he screams at and shouts at, that’s what a child does, just throws tantrums and make it hard for the person they know they have control over. He’s just a child who’s naïve, puppy like, who wants Gene to look at him. But he’s also spoilt because he’s in a place of privilege, so him being spoilt makes him treat others badly, but Gene makes him different, he wants to be someone better for Gene.    

As of episode 1, it has been hinted that Gene is attracted to Nubsib, he feels this inherent care for Nubsib, wants to hang around him and is also curious about him naturally. He is affected by Nubsib’s presence, and his presence  is the the thing inspiring him and makes him want to write. He’s being inspired by his real feelings but doesn’t know that because he has IH. So the question was in episode 3, as the show started to hint about it; if Gene knows about his identity and sexuality and who he is or was he learning about himself through finally falling in love with Nubsib. I thought he was learning about it but episode 4 made me think he’s known and has just been avoiding it. Gene isn’t homophobic as I’ve seen people worry he is, he has a very ignorant, uneducated, societal opinion on what those relationships is like. So Gene is like very similar to another character Tee directed Type from TharnType (before all those who detest this idea start to click of listen to the explanation),  the thing with Type was his was psychological trauma and hate and pain making him have the mindset he had, he never got to know or understand who he was because he tried hard to avoid thinking about anything to do with sexuality. With Gene, it’s his writing that makes him act sometimes homophobic, makes him overreact when there’s ideas to him being queer/gay or being in a situation like that, the way he acts is because of the corruption of the industry he has had to witness; its why he thinks its all shallow, no substance, it’s so ironic and funny to me because he’s about to find out that what these stories portray or the boys love does have substance, because now he’s falling in love, like real love, authentic love he now understands the real feelings behind wanting to write a boys love story about just two men in a relationship, he now understands the sexual attraction behind some things, why it’s just like any other novel about real life relationships, he understands why characters in BL might be more important than just what the industry is using it for.

Gene’s way of educating himself as the show goes on in this industry is so great to me and one of the reasons I adored episode 3. Opening himself, researching and trying to understand more about things is so important because

1.       He’s a writer trying to do well by this genre but he also feels uncomfortable about

2.       He’s someone represented by this genre as he is  queer character.

3.       He’s literally going through self discovery the more he writes his novel

 For example the nightmare scene in episode 3 is the catalyst of that episode. It what spirals the transformation in Gene’s character we start to see, from being withdrawn to starting to be comfortable and open. He goes through the nightmare and Nubsib shows him care when sick. (That’s what he represents to him, comfort, healing, warmth, companionship, protection). Because he feels cared for by him, he also starts to want to show the same to Nubsib to show him the same care, warmth that Nubsib was showing him etc. And because he has been holding unto his feelings for Nubsib, has been feeling overwhelmed by his fear about them, when he gets drunk to avoid dealing with him sending him away, he blurts out all he’s felt, he becomes the most truthful at that moment because he’s been holding unto all these thoughts since he first met him. But he also says to Nubsib in episode 4 that he reminds him of a lead BL character and it’s like aww he complimented his looks but the fact that Nubsib reminds him of that isn’t a good thing to Gene remember, he doesn’t want to end up like BL characters because he thinks there’s no substance, no truth, just toxicity with that situation so it’s something he panics about that it’s ironic because he’s essentially falling for someone and playing out a BL trope. 

BL: The pressure of transformation and authenticity 

Another thing meta about this show is the inclusion and mirroring of Bad Engineer the series. I mentioned in my previous essay whilst Bad Engineer is another meta call out to the industry it also could play a role as a shadowing device to show you similarities and differences between Nubsib and Aey the actors who play Kin and Bun the caricatures and characters that are exaggerated. It kind of exposes the thoughts and ideas about these two in an interesting way. Let me explain.  Bad engineer starts of with Bun being forced to get the attention of Kinn who is aggressive and seen as wanted and powerful but too scary to go near to. After he hugs Kin we already are hinted from Nubsib’s audition line that Kin could not let go of the mark Bun left on him and becomes essentially obsessive and controlling over Bun wanting to be with Bun. Okay first of all it’s already calling out and exaggerating the obsession that Nubsib seems to have for Gene, he would go to lengths to hide who he is, make up excuses to be near him and hide his power and privilege (by lying he’s poor, and about his housing situation essentially lying about the power he probably does hold over people) which is why his exact words he says to Gene in the audition is foreshadowing, he knows who Gene is before, he’s been affected by whoever Gene was to him in the past and he’s in love with him. Just like Kin proceeds become hooked onto Bun.  

 What’s really funny is that Aey is playing a character that is very vulnerable and gentle and sweet, like what is normally perceived as a typical feminine uke stereotype. It’s interesting because its because he gives of this vibes that he was chosen for this audition, but also in reality he’s wearing a mask to act like this to Gene and everyone around him especially the vulnerable act, where he makes you feel guilty for being in his way or making you feel pitiful for how he’s treated by Nubsib. The fact that Tawan (played by Mhok in the series) is a second lead in bad engineer the series and Mhok is essentially in the second lead role for Aey, he’s the one behind the scenes unrequitedly loving and caring and worrying about the main lead but is always neglected or pushed aside for the other main which is mirroring how Aey isn’t seeing how Mhok cares for him (he gets so jealous if you notice whenever he has to see Aey and Nubsib together) and is pushing him away to focus on his hunt for fame by getting Nubsib’s attention.

Nubsib has a different type of similarity with Kin. It’s how people perceive him that’s similar to how Kin is on the surface, but also Kinn is an exaggerated character, who is toxic and Nubsib as finally shown isn’t going to be toxic or problematic because the writers don’t want him to be that way. For some reason Kin is filled with anger and is aggressive and loud, Nubsib isn’t as angry as Kin but he also expresses his distaste of things when it doesn’t go his way with anger and tantrums to Tum especially because he’s a spoilt child. Kin is possessive, aggressive and obsessive and even though Nubsib isn’t like that in a large scale, he has some of those traits, he is possessive with Gene, and protective and jealous easily when it comes to him thinking something is in the way. Kin is a trope, he’s written to make fun of semes in BLs like Fighter from WhyRU, someone seen as cold and indifferent to people who is meant to be seen as rough and mean, rich, but then the story unveils a softer side when he’s with his partner later. Or Kin also reminds of toxic Kdrama male characters (its not just BL this trope is used), like Gu Jun Pyo from boys over flowers who is just like Kin because he’s rich and spoilt. The reason why Kin and Nubsib is similar is because is that Kin likes to get what he wants, he’s just as invasive, he’s forceful (though as mentioned Nubsib isn’t as problematic with this as Kin), he’s just as determined to do what it takes to get his partner. Both portray this demenour around them where they are not meant to be messed with. 

And I think that’s important about Nubsib, there’s some kind of power and control he has that makes people not mess around with him when  Gene is not in front of him, he doesn’t try to be nice or kind as he does when he’s with Gene. Things that they don’t have in common is that for Gene, Nubsib is the opposite, he’s gentle to Gene, because he’s determined to a better person to him, he’s manipulative but he’s not forceful or aggressive towards him, although he wears a mask, he’s actually authentically automatically the way he is with Gene as we have seen in both episodes. Gene transforms him; he makes him kind, caring and sweet. Gene is a prized person to him; so valuable and worthy that he doesn’t even think he’s worthy as he is for him hence why he chooses to be better with him,  he doesn’t see Gene as less than him but the others he does which is something that does need to be worked on. But if he is spoilt and privilege, if he’s been so used to people treating him this way then I can see why he can be this way. So Kin and Nubsib’s character calls out Nubsib’s flaws and Aey and Bun’s character also show what Aey wants people to view him as on the surface and Mhok and Tawan are mirroring the same roles. 

Bad engineer being written by Gene is so funny to me since all he does is like complain how much he hates everything to do with tropes like it, so there must be some kind of shame inside him for him writing it to remove pressure from his company even though he doesn’t want BL to mean that. It also again shadows Hin’s desperation as Hin takes on his own BL novel, because Gene must have been so desperate when he first wrote it because he was writing it just to also please people and be noticed as a writer more.

Lovely Writer is it obvious despite my late releases of my analysis that I am obsessed and I have high respect and love for this show? The fact that there is problematic worries in the storyline, there are flawed characters and action in the plot, but they’re so real and human. The fact that this show talks about BL, and is trying to make fun of it, call it out but then the characters in it are also falling into some of its tropes and ideas. But it does show that with love sometimes people do get into these situations even though it’s seen as problematic or weird, but it’s dealing with sexual attraction, showing instant connections and portraying passion, sometimes when people are into someone you can get crazy, possessive, sometimes you may even want to be with that person all the time. It’s really important that the show is drawing a line between what is toxic and what is not, what is romantic and what is not, the authenticity of romance vs the idealism of romance in tv shows and  books. The fact that Gene and Nubsib are falling in love with each other and are going to go through a lot together I think shows me that at the end I will also think they’re meant to be together, they’re like a realistic couple falling in love. Gene feels real to me. Nubsib feels human to me even though we’re uncovering his personality. All of the characters feel real and dimensional to me. It’s something I love about the show, it just feels so real despite being literally a BL that’s making fun of how unrealistic BLs are, it’s so real, it’s so meta, it’s so important and I really think it’s needed in this genre, and industry. I think it’s such a great, great show. I love Tee, because he’s good at directing these layered, meta, deep shows always able to provide reasons for why the story is the way it is, what its trying to show, why the characters are the way they are and make mistakes, there’s so much depth to his stories and the things he chooses to focus each time he does a show. In a way Gene’s character development and growth is so important to me because to him the BL industry and genre is bad, and the show seems like that’s what its message is as well, because that’s what his perception seems to portray only, as Gene falls for Nubsib who is literally like a trope that reminds him of the stories he seems to hate (especially when he discovers his inauthenticity) ,  as he falls in love and finds out more about his relationship, his sexuality, his identity as he starts to realise how BL should be written, why it should be created, that there can be authentic love stories in BL,  he can change what BL represents for people like him. I just think its fantastic to see him with a negative perception on writing BL to finally understanding why it should be written but it should be written in a different way, or changed to fit a different way, instead of letting corruption happen he shouldn’t give in but should try and change. He may be making fun of the fact that BL is known for its weird tropes like NC, but NC is real its just attraction between two people, as long as its not toxified or problematic its just another way people can show feelings, there’s so many het series that have NC scenes but when it comes to BL its seen as a fetish or something negative when really if done right its just two people being like normal couple and giving into their affections for each other. Yeah I think this is amazing to talk about and portray. This is one of my favourite shows right now, and I’m so eager about where we’re going with this. Because I just love the layers, the message and the story.

[lov3nerdstuff]

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 7.33}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 4.5k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

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They arrived in front of Morgan's private rooms a few minutes later, and it instantly sobered Robin up from her feelings of happiness and comfort that she had been able to cling onto ever since setting foot into the office earlier. If only life could always be as easy as it had seemed minutes ago, just Snape and her, and their relentless curiosity for magic and adoration for each other… But it wasn't, and both of them seemed to remember that as they stood in front of Morgan's door in silence. If they didn't find out about Morgan's reasons, didn't find out what this entire thing was about, there would be no life for Robin to lead at all.

She looked up at Snape next to her for a silent moment of gathering her wits, and his gaze spoke volumes of the same story. They could do this. They would find the bloody portrait, and then they would take the next step and the next and the next until this stupid mess was over with, until Morgan was no threat anymore. Whatever that might take. Even if it meant having to make Dumbledore their friend or enemy.

Upon a silent agreement that time was of essence, Robin got started on opening the door at last. It was warded rather heavily as she found, but that didn't stop her in the least, and on the contrary made things rather easy in return. Quite like paint that was applied in thick layers, she could peel them back and remove them all at once, even as thickly plastered as they were. A few minutes of quietly murmured spells and some trial and error later, the door swung open with a little squeaking noise and opened up the view of a perfectly ordinary, even if slightly ostentatious bed- and living room.

"I have to ask…" Robin spoke up quietly, once they had closed the door behind themselves and were now looking around the dark room with a lumos each. "Are you actually bad at breaking into places, or did you just pretend to be? Earlier today, I mean."

"I successfully worked as a spy in one of the worst wars known to wizarding history, and even beyond that, you have seen the neighborhood I grew up in. What do you think?" He asked in return, easily and without reproach, while yet he kept his focus on searching the room around them.

"Honestly, I think you could probably break into Azkaban unnoticed and back out again as well if you wanted to."

"That's perhaps a bit exaggerated, but the general sentiment is close enough."

"Then why did you want me to do it?" A small frown creased Robin's brows, as her eyes darted over the various pieces of luxurious furniture. "I'm sure you're far better at opening doors than I am."

"To humour you." Again, his reply came easily and with an almost graspable not-smirk engrained in his tone, and Robin inevitably had to smile as well while he went on. "In very much the same way you always do when you ask me to grab an item from the top shelves for you. You know as well as I do that you wouldn't even have to use your wand to collect it yourself, but instead you keep asking me to help you. Because you know how much it pleases me."

The smile on Robin's lips broadened, and finally her eyes found Snape on the other side of the room. "I had a vague idea that you knew I was doing it on purpose by now. Did you see that in my mind?"

"No. I simply know you well enough to know how well you know me."

"That's as confusing as it is amazing." She sighed with the same smile, then went back to searching the room with her eyes fixed on the shadowy corners and places. "And thank you, for humouring me. I needed it today."

For another ten minutes they searched the admittedly small chambers in well practiced collaboration, checking even the adjunct bathroom and the wardrobes, but they still came up empty handed. Robin ran a hand through her unruly hair in frustration, then looked up at Snape who was standing next to her in the open space in equal irritation. "The bloody portrait has to be here. It wasn't in the classroom nor in the office, so it just needs to be here. There's no other possibility!"

"Considering how… frequented Morgan's quarters are by visitors of various kinds, it would only seem logical that he hid it well enough to not be found by guests on accident, but close enough to retrieve for his private moments."

"Ugh…" Robin shuddered while pulling a face. "It's not your fault, but any way to phrase it just sounds disgusting to me."

"I try to ignore that as best as possible. But the facts remain as they are, and I believe he hid it in close reach. The question remains as to where."

"Let's see… Perhaps we have to think like Morgan if we want to find the stupid thing." She suggested, and upon Snape's attentive yet expectant expression, she elaborated as silently demanded. "If I was Morgan, a wizard of thirty something years who is obsessed with a girl who is my student and who I happen to have a painting of… I would put it in a place where I often see it. I would be a lazy arse, but clever enough to still get my way; which means I would hide it somewhere where I don't have to move it, only conceal it."

"Sounds reasonable."

"And if I was Morgan, I would put it in a place where I can enjoy it while following my daily routine, since I would always be short of time and everything else would be too much of a hassle."

"Still reasonable."

"So… where in my chambers would I spend a lot of time?" Robin frowned to herself, then started sauntering through the room once more. "The desk, perhaps. I would always be working here instead of my office."

"But would you, as Morgan, not choose a place to display it that doesn't demand a constant split of attention? Having the portrait near the desk would pose a terrible distraction from your work. And as much as I hate the man, he always finishes his grading and other work neatly and in time." Snape commented in return, and Robin found herself nodding along as she trailed away from the desk again.

"True, I wouldn't be able to focus if I was constantly tempted to look at something I am obsessed with. And I would be terrible at controlling my own impulses. So… where else would I spend a lot of time by myself? What would I like doing in my free time?" She sauntered over to the small sitting area in the far corner, frowning to herself in contemplation. "Reading, perhaps?"

"You really don't have the slightest idea about what goes on in the mind of the average male, regardless of age, do you?"

Robin turned back around to Snape with a scoff, a half smirk and one raised eyebrow. "But you do? I can hardly imagine that."

"I was unfortunate enough to live with a hoard of them back in my school days." He scoffed at the memory, rolling his eyes to himself before he continued on in obvious disdain for what he was saying. "Perhaps Morgan was taking a literal approach with his words about looking at the painting each morning and each night. Perhaps, he hid it in the very place where he spends his every morning and night indeed."

"You don't mean-... No. No…"

"I wish I could hope I'm wrong." The gravity of Snape's tone made Robin shudder a little, or perhaps it simply was the idea he was so subtly presenting, but she took a deep breath anyway and walked over to the large four-poster bed in determination. That same model seemed to be a staple for all staff rooms, and if Morgan had hidden the portrait there, she would find it.

Indeed, after a moment of pushing through the queasy and awkward feeling of searching the vile man's bed, Robin finally found what she was looking for. Hidden under the roof of the canopy, concealed and fixated in place with some subtle charms work, was the portrait that she had last laid eyes upon in her fourth year. The almost perfect image of herself, the eerie similarity that now was almost absolute, hidden in such a place for only Morgan's eyes to devour at his fancy. Robin felt sick at the thought, her stomach churning, and even the last hairs in her neck were standing upright now. Morgan really hadn't been joking about his literal need for her… she suppressed the need to gag, which was only followed by another unpleasant shiver. This was worse than any amount of blood had ever made her feel.

"I, uh… I found the portrait." She finally managed to speak out loud without the bile rising in her throat, and after another few seconds of staring at the bloody thing that still looked just like she remembered, she added, "The… other me really doesn't have earrings, just as we thought, but otherwise she could be my mirror image. Well, if I had lived a couple hundred years ago, that is."

Her words faded, but even after multiple moments of silence she still received no answer, nor did she hear Snape coming any closer to look at her findings for himself. With a confused frown, Robin turned to look through the open room behind her only to find him lingering by the desk now, a deep frown plastered on his own face as he inspected a dark brown wooden box in front of him in silence. Again, as so often, his expression and body language spoke volumes, this time of weariness and caution.

"Sev? What's wrong?" Robin couldn't keep the concern out of her voice as she skipped over to the other side of the room to stand beside him in an instant. For a moment she followed his gaze to the intricately decorated box on the tabletop. It was an intriguingly unique piece, even if Snape seemed to be rather lost in thought than to be studying the object itself, and she finally looked back up at him with unease written all over her features when he still didn't reply. "Talk to me. Please."

"I believe to have seen this very object in the headmaster's office before… Years ago, when I was a student, and again and again when I started teaching, but not any time recently. In one of the shelves in the far back of the room where all the important artefacts are stored, far out of everyone's reach." He answered at last, obviously lost in thought and consideration, which didn't do much to calm Robin's uproaring nervousness. If Snape was concerned, she should be double as much.

"Do you know what's inside?" She finally dared to ask, and while she wasn't sure if she even wanted to know the answer, she suddenly was very certain that whatever the box held would bring them closer to solving the mystery around Morgan and the Portrait. It had to, everything else just wouldn't make sense. But perhaps that was just wishful thinking.

"I have no idea." He mused, seconds before casting a detection charm for curses and dark magic over the object, only to have it come back negative. "But we should certainly take a look. Out of all the bizarre objects in Morgan's room, this is perhaps the second most curious after the portrait."

"Why do you think that?"

"Have you ever in the entire castle seen an object that required a key and not magic to unlock it?" He finally turned to Robin, then motioned to the box once more while his eyes stayed on her though. Frowning to herself, Robin leaned down closer towards the box and held her wand so that she could properly study the object in question with sufficient light. Indeed, there was a keyhole on the lid. Something she hadn't seen in use in the longest time. For a few minutes she tried every spell to open the box she had at her disposal, then however gave up in the light of her company's greater knowledge of such spellwork.

"That really is curious." She said as she straightened her back once more. "Do you want to try?"

"I already have."

"And?"

"There is nothing to be done without the corresponding key. It seems to be entirely unaffected by magic in general. And knowing who the box belonged to, it likely wouldn't do to simply break it open either."

"Pity." Robin sighed, stemming her hands into her hips as she thought. If the box really had been among the important artefacts in the headmaster's office for at least ten years and had still been there when Snape started teaching, then it must have not been in Morgan's possession much longer than the portrait. But if-...

"I can feel you thinking, Robin." Snape interrupted her thoughts before she really could get going deeper. "And usually that results in some brilliant revelation. Enlighten me, yes?"

"Right…" She breathed, nodding both to him and herself. "I was just thinking, if the box was in the headmaster's office from possibly before the time you started school until roughly when you started teaching, then it can't belong to Morgan and also can't have been in his possession for long."

"The latter is obvious, but what brings you to assume the former?"

"Well, when you started school at the tender age of eleven, then Morgan must've been like what, sixteen? Seventeen?" She reasoned, more guessing than knowing, but the point stood nonetheless. "Either way, as you previously pointed out, he is quite the ordinary male with an ordinary mind."

"That we have yet to determine for certain."

"I'm not talking about him going crazy over me, that's another issue entirely so let's just ignore that for a second. What I mean is that at whatever age he was when you started school, he was still a teenager. And how likely is it that a normal teenager possesses artifacts that are important enough to make the headmaster's top shelf?"

"I see your point." Snape mused, frowning to himself again for a moment. "In that case Dumbledore must have given it to him deliberately, at a point in time after I started teaching even though there does not seem to be an apparent reason for that particular timing. Which in return makes it highly unlikely that the contents of this box don't correlate to the portrait in some way."

"Precisely my line of thought."

"That makes it all the more important to find a way to open this crude thing now." He grumbled to himself and went back to studying the box intently. "Obviously Morgan will possess the key, but I sincerely doubt that Dumbledore doesn't still have one as well. He wouldn't part from anything of relevance without precautions."

"Wait, so there can be more than one key?" Robin's mind came to a sudden halt, then toppled over some more and finally changed direction. "I was under the impression that Morgan would logically have the only one."

"I see no reason why there couldn't be more than one. Creating them certainly must be a difficult procedure, but not impossible to replicate over and over again if desired."

"Oh gods…" Her voice grew shallow as her heartbeat sped up in an instant, followed by a cold rush of adrenaline while she mentally chastised herself. They had a lock without a key. She had a key without a lock. How stupid could she be not to make that connection sooner?!

"Minerva's key. Of course…" He came to the same conclusion as her then, eyes widening every so slightly as he watched Robin fumbling with her locket with slightly shaking hands. She had too much adrenaline in her body for anything else, was too exhausted and anxious… But this had to be the reason why McGonagall had given her a key for her birthday, and why she'd been so insistent on it that Robin kept it a secret. She had another key to this box, a key that wasn't supposed to exist.

"Fingers crossed…" Robin said under her breath as she finally put the small piece of metal to good use at last. It fit into the lock easily, and with a weary look up at Snape, Robin finally twisted it in one swift move. It obliged without resistance, and she pulled her hand back as if burnt when not one metallic clicking was heard from inside the box, but multiple in a row. Oh gods, hopefully she hadn't just set off some trap or self destruction or anything of the likes… But after a few seconds, the sounds faded, and the box sat still and innocently as ever on the desk before them.

"Do you wish to open it or shall I?" Snape asked quietly, but even he didn't dare to take his eyes off the box now.

"I'll open it, and you make sure that nothing jumps at me. Like always, yes?" She propositioned, nodding to herself to perhaps shake some of the fear out of her head. This was a good idea… she just needed to make herself believe that now. "We've been in plenty of situations like this before, haven't we? I go off to inspect some potentially dangerous thing, and you make sure I survive it. Isn't that what we always do when we go hunting for ingredients?"

"It is similar enough, yes."

"Good…" She took a deep breath, then placed her hand on top of the lid and looked over at Snape once more for a confirmation of what she was about to do. He motioned for her to go ahead, and after another second of hesitation, Robin finally had enough of herself and flipped the stupid box open with a start.

Nothing jumped at her, nor did she seem to have set off any kind of follow-up spells. It simply was a box, admittedly larger on the inside than the outside, but Robin barely took notice of that any longer, seeing how most of her own boxes and bags were graced with the same magic. What did surprise her however were the contents the box in front of her held now, in all their striking unspectacularity. A look at Snape confirmed that he shared that sentiment to the fullest. They had expected anything at this point… but not just a gigantic stack of parchments, ranging from literally ancient to almost modern.

"Well, at least we have something to look into now…" Robin sighed to herself as she frowned down at the pile of paper in front of her. "There has to be some kind of important information written on these, or nobody would've bothered hiding them that well. They will either give us answers, or leverage on Dumbledore who in return can give us answers."

"Indeed… However this is hardly the time nor place to look through an epos of loose leaf parchments." Snape said in argument with circumstance, which made Robin look up at him again while raising her eyebrows.

"Do you really think we should just take the box? Morgan will notice for sure, and then it won't be hard to guess for him who took it."

"I think we should take the parchments." He returned easily, then motioned to the object in front of them once more. "The lid had a thin layer of dust on it already, which means that Morgan likely knows the contents of these papers at this point and therefore has no need to open the box again any time soon. If we leave the box where it is, and with a bit of luck, he won't notice the papers' absence until we long have the information we need. Until we are ready to face him on equal grounds."

"Clever." Robin replied with a half smile. "As always."

Snape merely rolled his eyes in that exaggerated manner that humour her so much, then they finally went to gather up the papers into a portable pile in his arms. Half a minute later, Robin locked the box back up with her key, then hid the latter back inside her locket.

"What about the portrait?" She asked as they made for the door at last, after having spent decidedly too much time in Morgan's quarters already. "It feels wrong to leave it here, in that place… I know we have to, but it makes me feel sick nonetheless."

"As much as it bothers me, I'm afraid we have to leave it where it is indeed." He answered, then his voice turned into more of a growl than the rich silk it usually was. "But don't believe for even a second that I wouldn't gladly end his pathetic existence for lusting after you like this."

"Because I'm yours and only yours?" She couldn't help asking with a small smile, while she peeked out through the door into the empty hallways first before opening it further for him as well.

"Because you deserve better than that."

"But also because I'm yours."

"Yes."

"You really can't deny that you are quite territorial, you know…"

"I would rather call it protective than territorial."

"Same thing."

"Does it bother you?" He inquired calmly but in seriousness, looking down at Robin over the papers in his arms expectantly.

"Rather on the contrary." She replied with a small but affectionate smile. "It makes me feel almost too giddy with pride and adoration. I just wish you could show a little more of that in public too; would certainly keep the right people from bothering me. Oh well… I wish."

"Believe me, so do I." He sighed in return, then took another look inside Morgan's room once they both stood in the hallway. "Let us hope he will be too drunk upon his return to notice the traces we left."

"Or… I could turn back the time inside the room to before we arrived?" Robin suggested more than asked with a hopeful and pointedly innocent expression. "You know I can freeze objects in time… And I'm actually quite sure that I can turn time back in a limited space just as easily, as long as there are no people inside. That's way more difficult, or rather impossible without a timeturner."

"You are aware that technically tampering with time is forbidden in any regard, yes?"

"So is breaking into a professor's private chambers and stealing his papers."

For half a second Snape seemed to freeze in his protest, then a not-smirk tugged on his lips and he shrugged as far as his arms full of parchments allowed. "I ran out of arguments. Go ahead."

A mirroring smirk played on Robin's lips for a moment, then she took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand. She'd read more about messing with time than she should probably admit, going through the entire restricted section of the library without anyone ever putting a stop to her efforts. Really, all the fun magic was in the restricted section anyway. Everything that was worth learning about. The part about potions and herbology she'd already finished years ago, then the dark arts had followed a long time prior as well, and now finally she had moved on to researching charms, also in regards to the still impending NEWTs.

It took two attempts to cast the difficult spell successfully, but then the room looked precisely how it had before they had entered. Even the layer of dust on the box was back in place and undisturbed by fingerprints. Content with her efforts, Robin finally closed the door and placed the same wards on it that she had removed upon their arrival.

"Do you know what truly is a shame?" Snape asked after a moment, while they quietly made their way back through the dark hallways and down a few stories.

"Quite many things, but please, do enlighten me."

"That neither Morgan nor Flitwick will ever know how ridiculously talented you are in their subjects."

Robin let out a humoured huff in replacement for a certainly too loud chuckle. "Oh, I think Morgan does know at this point. I managed to fend him and his best efforts off after all, even if just barely. Isn't that what defense class is about?"

"About fending off your crazy professor? I certainly hope not."

Now Robin did snort a little, even though the topic itself should have been rather depressing. "It's ironic that I have to defend myself against him with defenses that he himself has taught me. Or rather I would have to, if I hadn't read so much more about the dark arts in advance. What truly saved me today wasn't anything I learned in defense class… but rather the things I came up with myself, or what you showed me. Things Morgan didn't see coming."

"And therefore my point stands."

"How so?"

"Well, any idiot can learn the textbook by heart and master the school taught spells."

"Most idiots can't, in fact, as you very well know. They're far too narrow minded to even accomplish such a thing, and-..."

"Anyway…" He went on, in a manner that reminded Robin an awful lot of her own mannerisms, but she gave him that and let him go on. "What makes you such a brilliant witch and not just an outstanding student is that you don't even try to stay within the given boundaries. Most of the things you excel at are either straight out illegal for most people, or at least so far out of the school curriculum that your teachers will never know what you truly can do."

"I don't really mind." Robin shrugged in return. "It's a good thing that Morgan doesn't know me well enough to know what I can do. That's my only advantage over him."

"I certainly agree with that assessment. Perhaps once Morgan isn't an issue anymore we can see to it that you get the recognition you deserve."

"I just want to ace my NEWTs and move on to more interesting matters of study once and for all. I don't need anyone's recognition. The only person I ever actually tried to impress is you, and that seems to have worked out for me just fine." She replied with a small smirk, which earned her another of those lovely feignedly annoyed expressions in return. They both knew she was right though, she had impressed him so many times and likely always would, and it had indeed worked out in both their favour. And, almost needles to say at this point, Robin felt like they both were equally proud of that fact after all.

______________________________

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[mediaevalmusereads]

Matrix. By Lauren Groff. New York: Riverhead Books, 2021.

Rating: 3/5 stars

Genre: historical fiction

Part of a Series? No

Summary: Cast out of the royal court by Eleanor of Aquitaine, deemed too coarse and rough-hewn for marriage or courtly life, seventeen-year-old Marie de France is sent to England to be the new prioress of an impoverished abbey, its nuns on the brink of starvation and beset by disease. At first taken aback by the severity of her new life, Marie finds focus and love in collective life with her singular and mercurial sisters. In this crucible, Marie steadily supplants her desire for family, for her homeland, for the passions of her youth with something new to her: devotion to her sisters, and a conviction in her own divine visions. Marie, born the last in a long line of women warriors and crusaders, is determined to chart a bold new course for the women she now leads and protects. But in a world that is shifting and corroding in frightening ways, one that can never reconcile itself with her existence, will the sheer force of Marie's vision be bulwark enough? Equally alive to the sacred and the profane, Matrix gathers currents of violence, sensuality, and religious ecstasy in a mesmerizing portrait of consuming passion, aberrant faith, and a woman that history moves both through and around. Lauren Groff's new novel, her first since Fates and Furies, is a defiant and timely exploration of the raw power of female creativity in a corrupted world.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: blood, violence, gore, childbirth, threats of rape

Overview: As a medievalist, I’m admittedly a little picky when it comes to my historical fiction set in the Middle Ages, but because this book was about Marie de France, I decided to give it a go. While I do think that Groff is a talented writer, I ultimately felt let down by Matrix; when I think about Marie de France, I think of her lais and the magic she weaves into them (not literal magic, mind you, but things like the power of women, courtly love, lush atmosphere, etc). This book, by contrast, contained very few of the themes that make Marie’s work so memorable, to the point where the less you know about the real Marie de France, the better. Instead of exploring the mind of the woman who wrote such wonderful, magical tales, we get the story of a nun who brings an impoverished abbey to prosperity. It’s a fine story, don’t get me wrong - it’s just not one I’d associate with Marie de France. Honestly, I think Groff would have had more success writing about her own original character, taking inspiration from mystics like Julian of Norwich or Margery Kempe. Thus, this book only gets 3 stars from me.

Writing: Groff’s prose is beautifully crafted with evocative imagery that is also easy to read. Everything flows well and moves at a quick pace, so readers won’t feel bogged down by details such as the day-to-day work at the abbey or some such. This book also uses present tense to narrate the story, and while I’m not usually a fan of the present tense, I think Groff made it work. The narrative feels energetic and grounded, and I think it combined well with the technique of using run-on sentences from time to time to convey the feeling of being caught up in the moment or lost in thought.

Plot: The plot of this book mainly follows Marie de France as she is yanked from her life at the French court and placed in charged of a poor English abbey. We follow Marie as she rises through the ranks and brings the abbey to prosperity, all while wrangling unruly nuns and doing her best to convince Eleanor of Aquitaine to come for a visit.

I think I would have enjoyed this plot more if the protagonist were someone other than Marie de France. As I said in my intro, the story isn’t an exploration of the inner workings of the mind of a (female) medieval poet; rather, it’s a story about a woman obsessed with her own power and reputation within the Church. The lais themselves get only about 3 pages of mention, and it felt like none of the themes that we associate with Marie’s real-life lais made it into this novel. While I did appreciate the little nods to history here and there (for example, the description of one of the nuns sticking a paintbrush in her mouth and getting lapis lazuli in her teeth), there wasn’t enough in this book to made the story feel fresh or new. Perhaps Groff was working with the theory that Marie de France was Marie, Abbess of Shaftesbury, but even so, the lack of attention to the lais and how they’d complicate our expectations or assumptions about the life of a medieval nun was baffling to me. Personally, I think Groff would have had more success if the book was “about” Marie, Abbess of Shaftesbury, or about an original character, inspired by female mystics such as Julian of Norwich or Margery Kempe.

I also wasn’t enthusiastic about the way Groff chooses to present her “feminist utopia” of an abbey staffed with only women. Despite the desire for Marie to protect her nuns from male violence and power, not much work is put into describing the abbey as a haven. Instead, Marie imposes her own will onto others and replicates the power hierarchies that she is (supposedly) so desperate to escape. I think I would have liked this book better if the author could have looked for the ways in which abbey life could have been a solace to the women. For example, maybe the daily routine provides comfort for those struggling with the chaos of the outside world. Maybe the queer nuns finally find a place that feels safe for them to express their affection for other women. Anything that complicated our modern assumptions about medieval Christianity would have been welcome; instead, I felt like I got a lot of “barbaric Middle Ages.”

I guess I’m being harsh in that Marie explicitly says that she thinks women are only safeguarded by their reputations. Thus, all of her actions are in service to cultivating a particular image of herself and the abbey (imposing, impregnable, protected by magic, etc). I think this could have been more satisfying for me if A.) again, we weren’t reading a story about “Marie de France,” or B.) the novel was very self-conscious about the fact that Marie was manipulating the perspectives of others.

Characters: Marie, our main protagonist, is confusing and difficult to like. Originally, she’s too cool for school; she arrives at the abbey more than a little skeptical of Christianity, and she judges the other nuns around her rather harshly (even though some deserve it, but still - there was this “not like other girls” vibe that I didn’t like). The novel tells us that she was a child crusader, which seems odd for one not invested in Christianity, and then never really does anything with that except use it to instill fear in people who are uncomfortable with her “imposing” demeanor. After a few years, Marie becomes devout to the point where she’s having divine visions, like e medieval mystic. The switch felt fairly abrupt, and Marie’s ruthless pursuit of power and prosperity was admittedly a little tired at times. The only things I liked about her were her queerness and obsession with Eleanor of Aquitaine. Queerness is fairly commonplace, which is refreshing; even though Marie struggles with the idea of whether it is a sin or not to have carnal desires for other women, I did appreciate that wlw relationships were everywhere within the abbey, not just between Marie and a single other nun. Marie’s obsession with Eleanor was also interesting in that it bordered on erotic obsession and made manifest the pains unreciprocated love, mirroring courtly love in real medieval literature. I liked how Marie strove to please Eleanor in everything that she did, and loving the Queen from a distance put an interesting spin on courtly love between two women.

Eleanor, for her part, was intriguing because she was something of a mystery. We mainly saw her though Marie’s eyes, which meant that she was held up as a paragon - of beauty, of intelligence, of courage, etc. When we do finally see Eleanor in the flesh (so to speak), she doesn’t quite live up to Marie’s hype, and I liked the conflict between reality and the lover’s image of the beloved.

Most other characters blurred together for me. There are many nuns at the abbey, and most of them have quirks or jobs that make them unique. In that respect, I liked how Groff made each nun feel like an individual, and that they all came together to form a community. What I didn’t really like, however, was how they always seemed to be in conflict. Aside from a couple characters, it didn’t seem like any of the women had any close relationships; rather, I felt like the women were frequently in conflict or at least consistently incompatible in some way or another. If Groff really wanted to paint the abbey as some kind of haven or utopia, I think having more of the nuns find emotional intimacy with one another would have gone a long way. Even if some of the women didn’t get along, I would have liked to see more positive relationships rather than negative or impersonal ones.

TL;DR: Matrix is ultimately a compelling novel about running an abbey, but a poor imagining of real-life poet Marie de France. While there is much to admire about Groff’s prose and the book would have been a fine work of historical fiction if written about, say, the Abbess of Shaftesbury, the narrative is unfulfilling for those who are familiar with the lais of Marie de France, primarily because none of the core themes from the medieval poems play major roles in Groff’s novel.

[eirenical]

1 and 2 for the writing meta prompt please!

Thank you, @flamingwell

[If anyone else would like to send questions, here is the list. ^_^]

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Oooooooh boy. Well, I have quite a few. XD So, how about we just go through the ones I have actively open in Word right now?

Legacies Found: The Untamed, sequel to Legacies Lost. This is a giant canon divergent AU that I've been working on for well over a year at this point. There is one key thing that I changed (and in the interest of spoilers, I'm not going to say what, but if you're curious and don't mind spoilers then, by all means, come ask and I'll tell you all about it. ;D) and it affected everything in-universe, some for the better, some for the worse. Here's the AO3 summary:

Sixteen years ago, the Yiling Patriarch died, a victim to his own hubris and the Yin Tiger Seal. Hundreds of cultivators from many different sects died with him that day, their souls forever doomed to find no rest, even in death. On this, the 16th anniversary of the battle of Qiongqi Pass, Jin Ling is determined to make pilgrimage, to try to put the spirit of his long-lost father to rest. He finds much more than he bargained for, and what he finds… will change everything.

And in the sequel, things have progressed significantly from this point, but the people involved are still broken in various ways, not quite at the point of healing yet, but getting there. The plot is opening up to the wider world and new characters are going to be introduced, and I'm having a lot of fun writing it, but it is SO MUCH SLOWER GOING. OTZ

Mirror, Mirror: I talked about this one extensively in this post, and it hasn't really progressed any further from there. XD This is a Guardian AU based on a short film that Zhu Yilong did with Li Bingbing called "Into the Mirror" (there's a link in the other post).

Reclamation: *eg* For anyone who's been following my Whumptober series (yes, I know we're WELL past October OTZ) of fics that I've been writing for Granting You a Dreamlike Life, this is the latest in the series. This monster is already almost 18K words and it's... it's a LOT. The story is a canon-divergent AU that starts out mostly overlapping canon during episode 35 and begins to diverge somewhere between there and episode 36. I leaned REALLY hard into the whump on this one, went really self-indulgent and wrote the fic that I would most want to read for this fandom, because I was pretty damned sure that no one else would write it or would take it as far and as dark as I wanted it to go if they did. And this particular story is the darkest of the bunch so far. ^_~ I'm not going to link directly to this one, because this is definitely a HEED THE TAGS situation, but if anyone's interested in some really, REALLY dark GYADL fic... hit me up and I'll be happy to tell you more. ^_^ (And for those who just want to look for themselves, you can find it under #eirenical does whumptober or on my AO3 where the series name is "Indefinitely." ^_^)

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I think I've talked enough about my current projects, so how about some future projects for this one? ^_^

(...and how about under a cut because this is getting kind of long...)

The Lost Tomb Reboot

I have... several fic at the plotty stage for TLTR, and I just added a new one to the list this morning. XD

Ershu fic: So, for anyone who's been following my TLTR journey, you know I'm obsessed with Ershu. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. And you know what happens when I love a character, right? Right? I WANT TO BREAK THEM. *coughs* Anyway, something happens to Ershu in S2 of TLTR that I won't go into detail about because spoilers, but essentially, he's betrayed and ends up in the hands of the person who betrayed him with no one else being the wiser and with him helpless and unable to tell anyone. And there are just... all KINDS of dark, fucked up possibilities there, and just like the Whumptober series, I AM going to write that fic, even if no one but me ends up reading it. ;D

Probably post-canon domestic bliss fic: For those of you who enjoy WHIPLASH ;D, I just honestly want ALL THE SOFT DOMESTIC IRON TRIANGLE. ALL OF IT. And I want Wu Xie and Ershu to have an opportunity to sit down and actually TALK about things (e.g., their need for a family heir), instead of trying to one-up each other. Special appearances by all the ducklings, Xiao Bai's girlfriend, and Lia Jiale and Jia Kezi (...my fic, my rules, we ignore canon when we want to ^_^) having an ...oh moment, and sweet, soft cuddles for Liu Sang and Kan Jian because they're adorable and I love them, too. (I have no idea if this is all going in one fic or if it will be a series of slice of life things, but I just want everyone to get their happily ever after IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK???)

Post-canon Huo Daofu and Xiao Ge... time-sharing Wu Xie?: IDEK what to call what's going on here, but... yeah. XD (See, @elenothar, I haven't forgotten! ;D) To crib from another post... I really do think that Xiao ge loves Wu Xie and loves being with him and all that that entails, but that he gets… restless.  A little feral cat, if you will.  And he just needs to wander off and be on his own for a while sometimes.  And I would love to see a permutation where it’s just kind of understood that he and Huo Daofu just kind of… share Wu Xie.  ^_^  Not in a threesome way, but in a way that they both understand each other’s claim on Wu Xie and neither of them wants him to be alone, so they just kind of… work that out between them.  Like he's a time share. (OMG, I have to be careful of how often I use that phrase for this fic or I'm going to end up calling it that as a title. XD)

DMBJ x Highlander xover that I just came up with literally this morning: No, seriously, this LITERALLY just popped into my head as I was waking up this morning. It was a wild fucking ride, too. O_o;;; ANYWAY, I'm probably going to make a separate headcanon/plotty post for this one, but basically I just randomly woke up thinking... Duncan was an antique dealer in the late 80s/early 90s in the US. Wu Xie is an antique dealer in China, now, and his family has been involved in the antique trade for a... VERY long time. Maybe Duncan did some business with the Wu family. Maybe he met Wu Xie as a kid. Maybe he knew Xiao ge even EARLIER than that (like 100 years earlier). Maybe post-canon Highlander, Duncan starts getting back into the antique trade by helping to quietly repatriate artifacts and comes to China to deal with the Wu family to do that, and meets Wu Xie again... and Xiao ge. And has a WTF moment because Xiao ge ISN'T an Immortal like he is, but he doesn't look a day older than when they met 100 years ago and just... WTF?? And Wu Xie is looking at Duncan and looking at Xiao ge and having a WTF moment of his own because is EVERYONE immortal except him and Pangzi?? And... I just think that would be a lot of fun to play with. ;D

Guardian:

The Care and Training of a Former Megalomaniac V and VI, maybe?: OK, so this idea isn't really concrete, but I still want to play with it. I want to do something to tackle Ye Zun's past with the Rebel Leader and the trauma that that left behind, and I'm thinking he'll end up having a good (...drunk) talk with Da Qing about it.

Another idea I had (MUCH more concrete) was based off my own poor lazy bb. He LOVES to catch bugs. LOVES IT. He gets SO EXCITED and SO into it... but sometimes the bugs fly up to the ceiling. And Gabriel is comfy in my lap and doesn't want to move. So he will swat at the bug... halfheartedly. And then he will turn around and complain to me when it won't come down to be swatted at again. Like I can somehow make it come down so he can play with it? IDEK. XD ANYWAY. I had a vivid mental image of Da Qing doing this to Ye Zun and somehow convincing him to actually... bring the bug down. Using his powers. And someone at the SID detects Ye Zun using his powers so ZYL and SW race home... to find Ye Zun... using his powers... to tether bugs for Da Qing to play with. And I just think that would be hilarious. XD

...I think that's everything in the mental kiddy right now? XD

[the1918]

evanstan. abo. mpreg sebby and mildly overbearing chris would be absolutely fantastic.

I know this ask is from a long time ago when I was taking prompts to pick an mpreg fic to write (which I am writing— recovering!Bucky A/B/O). But I was having some Thoughts about this and kind of ended up with an alpha!Chris x omega!Seb head canon and I’m very happy about that because there is honestly not enough Evanstan A/B/O in the world? (Preface: This head canon is completely independent of my ‘normal’ Evanstan RPF stuff)

warning: fluff and smut ahoy!

Alright so Chris Evans puts a baby in Sebastian Stan let’s do this:

It’s a huge moment when they finally get that positive pregnancy test...

They’d been trying for a worryingly long time and Seb had become convinced that they waited too long, that he was almost 40 now and he was too old to carry a baby.

I’m picturing a lot of Chris laying on the praise and comfort through the shared disappointment of all those negative tests, a lot of “no, no baby you’re perfect, I just need to do more next heat, need to knot you up even better next time, okay?”

Chris is so proud and ecstatic when it finally happens that it all kind of funnels into arousal and he goes and sweeps a crying Seb off his feet like he isn’t a fully grown man, lays him down in their bed and rips off Seb’s clothes without hardly taking his own off.

He presses Seb’s thighs into his chest and fucks his husband like that so he can rub hands all over his still-flat belly and let his mouth run away with “can’t wait to see you all big with our kid, with my kid” and “wish I could put another in you right now, just like this, just like this, just take it”.

The first trimester is kind of hell for them both, and not just because Seb’s got the absolute worst morning sickness.

To be honest I absolutely lol’d @ ‘mildly overbearing’ in the prompt because who are we kidding? Chris would be intensely overbearing until Seb finally has to tell him to tone it the fuck down.

Chris is constantly telling Seb to take it easy and swooping in literally anytime he sees Seb trying to move an object that weighs more than 10 pounds, which is all well and cute and a little charming at first... but then they end up in a massive shouting match the day that Chris implies Seb should quit weight training completely. Massive. Seb tells Chris that he “could never understand how hard it is for an omega actor to keep on muscle between jobs, to be worried you won’t ever get another alpha role or even a beta role because of how hard you have to work just to pass,” but then he keeps going and he ends up saying a lot of things that he doesn’t mean and Chris knows he doesn’t mean them but Chris cries anyways, and that makes Seb cry. The whole thing ends with them on the floor surrounded by medicine balls and holding each other, Chris apologizing over and over and over because he “wasn’t tryna control you, baby, I’m so sorry,” Seb promising to talk to his obstetrics doc how he can maybe adjust his weight routine to be safe for their growing baby.

Other times Chris definitely deserves the cold shoulder, but sometimes Seb is just feeling irritable. He takes to shutting himself away in the bedroom and blasting the song from ‘Never Ending Story’ until he calms down.

The whole first trimester Chris is practically vibrating out of his skin with the itch to tell his family but he can’t yet, Seb wants to wait, which Chris understands and respects but it is so, so hard for him. When they finally hit the 12 week mark and Chris gets to tell them, his mom just smiles and says, “Oh, sweetie, I smelled it on him weeks ago,” and she hugs them both.

Oh my goodness... when Seb starts showing in the second trimester?!?

The night that Seb first looks in the mirror and actually notices a bump, Chris is on their bed reading a script. Seb comes out of the master bathroom, one hand rucking up his over-sized sleep-shirt and resting on his tummy, grinning from ear-to-ear with his eyebrows knitted together adorably with something like awe and a sweet kind of heartache, reaching out for Chris with his other hand and softly saying, “Look, alpha...”— and Seb never calls him that, outside of the deepest throes of heat. The sound of the word and the sight of his omega with his baby growing inside makes something deeply primal surge through Chris so fast and sharp it feels like whiplash, and it comes out as a proud growl.

Seb had known for years how much Chris was dying to finally see him like this, to see him “all pretty and bred up ‘cause of what I did to you”... but oh, god, it’s so much more than he could have ever expected.

The thing is that it’s not just the baby bump Chris is obsessed with. He tries to hide it from Seb but Seb sees it, the way that Chris’s gaze gets all heavy and dark when he starts to notice Seb’s thighs and ass thickening up with fat instead of just muscle. He starts getting handsier every time Seb is around, finding excuses to grab and cup and feel every curve on Seb’s pregnant body.

When they have sex Chris is nothing short of worshipful (if not more than a little possessive). He will lick and kiss every square inch of Seb’s skin before telling Seb to lay back with his ass on the edge of the mattress, and then he’ll hold Seb’s legs up while Chris stands and fucks down into him, practically begging when he tells Seb to put his hands on either side of his own swollen belly, to touch, to stroke around all that struggling skin, to “show me where you keep her safe, show me-- yeah, that’s right, am I the one that put that little girl inside you? Yeah, that was me? Tell me sugar, say it, say ‘Daddy, you--’” 

Sometime in the middle of the second trimester Seb’s hormones make him go from ‘miserable and bitchy’ to something more like ‘fat and happy’ and that mood magically sticks around for the third trimester, even when his ankles start to swell up.

The baby is due in March so that means that Chris gets to spend the entire last trimester taking pictures of Seb bundled up in chunky maternity sweaters and scarves while he looks out over the snowy Massachusetts hills, nose a little pink, cheeks flushed, smiling wide and looking happy and perfectly adorable.

Speaking of pictures-- Chris takes so many of them that Seb almost starts to get annoyed, but then Chris tells him how he just wants to “make sure our little girl knows how gorgeous her mama was when she was growin’ in his belly, she’s never gonna get to see it like I did,” and Seb can’t help but smile. Chris captures that one on film, and he loves it so much he gets it framed.

Seb. Nests. He goes crazy with nesting. Their home was definitely decorated by professionals when they moved in but over the course of his pregnancy Seb slowly starts to make it more personal, starts to buy things from antique shops that catch his eye, purchase art and photography and really soft blankets that strike him as something their home just... needs. There are no professionals present when he and Chris paint the nursery themselves and get paint all over the hardwood floors.

Baby Girl Evans comes into the world very, very early on a Wednesday morning, just after midnight.

Sebastian labors for 18 hours, the first half of which are spent at home while they wait for Seb’s contractions to speed up. Chris knows better than to start freaking out and try to drive Seb to the hospital too early, but it’s a close thing; he wants to freak out. Seb passes the time watching the Food Network on the couch and trying to keep his mind off the pain. He stops trying to time the contractions himself after the first two hours, when he notices Chris press a button on his watch every time Seb starts wincing and breathing extra deep.

The hours fly by and before they know it Seb’s body is saying it’s go-time. Chris stays by Seb’s head the whole time, at Seb’s insistence. He covers Seb’s sweaty forehead and hair in kisses and he murmurs praise and encouragement and tells Seb he’s “so good, so perfect, making our little girl and bringing her into the world so we can love on ‘er forever, so perfect, thank you,” and the majority of the time Seb doesn’t even try and swat him away.

Her first little cry is angry and piercing. It’s the most beautiful thing either of them have ever heard. 

Seb’s mom says she looks like the spitting image of Sebastian. Chris’s mom says she looks just like Chris. Neither Chris nor Sebastian really care who she looks like, so long as they can keep kissing her dimpled chin and staring into her blue eyes.

...

lmao wut gross

masterlist [x]

[dallonm-archive]

hi chloe you prob. will never ever guess who this is because i am so stealthy ™ and very um good?? at impersonating not me,,,, anyway!! spare some himbeau content,,, or you will face pain 🔫🙂 [jk jk i love you + if i hurt you then who I'll give me my daily dose of beaulix content]

omg hello mysterious alnon!!!! oops sorry i mean anon haha.....i have NO idea who you are,,,,,,,but i guess i’ll just have to infodump about beau like this is a character intro post and not an anon answer :/// /j lets talk about (him)beau!!!

(please bare in mind he is v new and i am pantsing this novel so this is a lot of uh.....i THINK moments and just where i am w the development also this isnt a character intro post but im treating it like one except no coherency i am INFODUMPING!!!!)

so i still don’t have a very clear image of him in my head but i want to share this because i made the connection that this is how i see lorna, his mother, in my head when she was younger - around the time she would’ve been in the cult. she is such a warm character to me!!

so lorna was one of the first people to leave the cult, in 1968 (playing with the idea of a group of women leaving at the same time), but she also made sure that she had contacts still within the cult, which meant that people who left after her could contact her, essentially starting a chain which meant that there’s now a group of people that have left that stay in contact with one another (if they choose to). this was really important to her because she sees it as reclaiming the idea of community against the awful thing that brought them together in the first place. she is a queen! shes one of the first people felix visits after he leaves which we see in chapter 2, but i’m excited to see how her role develops further than that. 

but onto her son! 

beau was born into the cult on june 29, 1965. he’s a summer baby and this is relevant! because lorna got them out of there when he was so young, he has zero recollection of his time there. i think i want part of his arc to explore how he navigates his emotions with that and how they change because at the start, he feels very detached from it and doesn’t really think about it more than Oh So That’s A Thing and admiring his mom’s strength for getting out of that environment. but i think the more he talks to felix (more on that later :)), the more he’ll understand the weight of everything. 

i think there’s a perception of beau that he’s had a relatively sheltered life, because of the life he has right now, which is far from the case. i think when it comes to the cult itself, there is an element of being sheltered, but that came from lorna protecting him and makes complete sense? but on a general level, he is definitely not sheltered.

we meet him in chapter two, when he’s 20 and currently studying psychology at college. at this point the novel is in felix’s pov (chapter one is in dorothy’s), and he plays a big role in felix’s arc (more on that later :)), and all of this backstory creates a very interesting dynamic between them. i didn’t intend for them to mirror each other, but felix sort of sees beau as a looking glass to the life he could have had and that is quite difficult for him to navigate. he feels this innate connection to him through them being born in the same place (lorna even has a photo of the two when they were toddlers) but at the same time beau is a complete stranger to him otherwise. 

again, he is a new character and i’m pantsing this novel, but i think his arc will explore: queer pride, creating happiness, mental health and the importance of strong relationships

beau is THE sunshine oc. (felix is too but like, it’s hidden shh). he is SO lovely. truly a himbo. he’s super charismatic, loves making friends, very impulsive (or spontaneous, depends on how you look at it), often speaks before he thinks but ultimately has good intentions. he’s also super insightful and really good at emotional support conversations, like he tries really hard to understand what you’re saying the best of his ability - he’s super inspired by his moms loving nature and he wants to help others, but his arc isn’t defined by that. he is also so FUNNY, like i love writing this dude. dream man literally. of course, i want there to be more depth than that, and there definitely is, but this is where we are now and i LOVE him so far

but i have a feeling.....that the alnon wants to hear about him and felix. just a guess! 

(i usually dont do pinterest moodboards but i dont have the energy for unsplash’s algorithm rn but anyway, just look at the VIBES)

i really was like felix’s sexuality has nothing to do with his arc even if i don’t think he’s straight and then these two interacted ONCE and were really like no <3 i was doing a sprint with some people from atlas and their chemistry just Happened its like i didnt even know what was happening then i read back and was like

the snippet that ruined my life:

“Or, I mean, we don’t have to go straight there. Have you visited San Francisco before? I can give you the Beau exclusive tour.”

Felix grins and faces him. “The ‘Beau-exclusive tour?”

“Yeah! It’s the Beau tour because I know the best places in the city, not all the boring tourist places. I mean, they’re cool and all, but the secret places are cooler, you know? And it’s exclusive because you’ll be the first one to have taken it.”

“Then how do you know it’ll be a good tour?”

“Because I know I’d be the best tour guide possible.” Beau leans against the doorframe, grin electric. “You down?”

“Just to see if you’re the best tour guide possible.”

i want to make this clear now and ill be talking about this in the update, but church mud still is not a romance story. it never will be. i was very apprehensive about including this into the story because i feel like adding romance into stories that deal with heavy topics like mental health and trauma is a very delicate process and there are very fine lines on both sides of the portrayal (either having a romantic relationship work out or not). i also really don’t know how felix’s sexuality will play a role because his pov was not really set up for it, but i don’t want to just ignore it now that this is a thing? so we’ll see where that goes, again i’m pantsing this novel lol. essentially, this is a big part of felix’s arc, but its not the centre of it.  the way i see it right now, is that this relationship wont be a straight forward “we become official and we are a couple and that is happy ending at the end of the book”, but these feelings will be explored and talked about out loud. i also want that exploration to be healthy regardless of that, because we love complex love narratives! i just want to be clear about this since the relationship does deal with two queer man and the last thing i want to do is promise something that the book won’t really give. ultimately, even if its not a traditional romance love story, the bottom line is these two will love each other deeply.

but beau and felix....,,,lovingly named beaulix! (thank you rhys for the best ship name)

they have ruined my LIFE in the last day. i am so obsessed with them. like this wasn’t planned the chemistry and connection is just so ??? NATURAL??? 

like i said above, beau loves helping people but that won’t be his arc, and i’m very conscious about that here. like i dont want beau just to exist to help felix (especially with sexuality involved). when i say this is new, i literally figured this out yesterday so i’m just letting it go where it wants to go but PLEASE I AM SO OBSESSED 

these two are so cute like please.....the beau-exclusive tour PLEASE

literally their first scene together is felix opening up about how he feels like people only see him as a broken ex cult member that needs to be fixed, and beau is like “then we won’t talk about that. besides, i want to know about felix.” i’m literally losing my MINDDDDD hes so cute

felix also tutors beau’s little half-brother, byron, in piano, so he’s gonna be at his house a lot 👁️👄👁️ 

im very conscious of this post getting super long and also i want to save some of the beaulix talk for when i write the actual update, so let me end this off with these two snippets because i need y’all to appreciate the parallels here:

“Mine’s June 29th. So, I’m like, a real summer baby. No wonder I love the beach and love San Francisco. I was born for it before I was even there.”

Felix is inclined to agree with that. Summers for Felix were never that special; sometimes it was cool evenings, ice cubes, spending the whole day outside; sometimes it was scorching sun and sweat and heat headaches. San Francisco summers sound more exciting; like beach days, heat haze, drunk afternoons. Beau must be summer, Felix thinks.

then we have:

“Seriously though, do you have a favourite?”

Felix has to think about that one. “I think I like spring,” he says. “I don’t hate when it’s cold, but I always liked when you could feel the air slowly warm up.”

Beau nods. “Spring is cute. You should see the city during the spring when all the flowers bloom – you’ll love it.”

haha get it.....beau is summer.......so we’ve established characters as their favourite seasons.......and then beau......beau says...........

in conclusion, we all love beau........and we love beau and felix......i am SO excited to see where his arc and where their relationship goes

[cxmetery-gates]

OBSESSIVE TEACHINGS - DARK!TOM HIDDLESTON

CHAPTER TWO: FOR THE FIRST TIME

SUMMARY: Lynn meets the attractive English teacher, Mr. Tom Hiddleston. WORD COUNT: 3.1k NOTE: it’s 3:00 am but I don’t have a sleep schedule. Enjoy! WARNINGS: dark!tom hiddleston, teacher!tom hiddleston

OBSESSIVE TEACHINGS MASTERLIST

INSIDE IS HAVOC.

For some idiotic reason, most students somehow forget what classes they signed up for three months ago or lost their schedules (I still wonder how that happens) and thus, the front office is a mess of students asking for theirs, the lines bleeding out into the hall. Given this, getting around to head to the commons will be a mission in and of itself. I'm not hating on all of them. As a freshman I was in the same place, my shaky hands and nervously stuttering voice mirroring the kids that smell brand new. Hopefully, to avoid this debacle again, they'll write the classes down. I guarantee the already exhausted looking receptionists would agree.

I almost want to tell the small, thin girl who wrings her hands 'good luck' but I guarantee she'd faint by the time I open my mouth. Instead, Ellie and I keep walking past the crowd. Poor souls.

It takes a minute or so to reach the commons, the booming echoes of chatting teenagers on their first day back is a sound like no other. The voices create a paved path any newcomer could easily follow. It dawns on me now that this will be the last time I'll hear this sound. I solemnly smile.

"I'm telling you, Dunmer is the better race."

"Only an idiot would spew such ignorant bullshit! Everyone knows Khajiit are the superior race!"

"Says the guy who could pass as a furry."

My eyebrows raise once the familiar voices are heard. Of course, they sit alone and look as normal as ever. My heart dips into my stomach when one of the two glances up and bashfully raises a hand to wave. In his awkward state, his hand barely moves.

Ellie is the first to speak. "What are you guys fighting about now?"

The boy with the long black hair speaks first. "Dumbass over here thinks Dark Elves are the best characters in Skyrim." Gabriel Ahoka is one of the oldest friends I have and if there's anything I've learned from him, it's that he's right the majority of the time. Oh, and he has beautiful hair.

"Because I'm right!" I take a seat next to the self-proclaimed judge. His name is River Adams, and I think I've been in love with him since he told me I reminded him of Hermione Granger back in the fourth grade. I smile in his direction then tuck some hair behind my ear. A nervous twitch that doesn't get past Ellie's ever watchful eyes. I refuse to acknowledge her small smirk. Instead, we both join in on the two dorks' conversation.

Ellie rolls her big brown eyes at them. "I don't see what the fuss is about. You guys take your games too seriously."

Both River and Gabriel audibly gasp at her comment.

"Fine," Gabriel huffs looking in my direction. "What about you, Lynn-ykinz?"

I don't visibly react to his nickname. It's something I've been called for years now. Though I'd like to agree with River, it's something I can't do. "Dunmers—"

"Ha!"

"— are for pussies."

"Ha!" This laugh comes from the boy sitting across from me. Beside me, River makes a small "oh" and lowers his raised fists, his hooray coming to a short and final end. I chuckle at his reaction as I pass Gabriel a solid high five.

"What are your guys' schedules?" River asks a tiny bit of gloom and annoyance coating his words.

Fortunately, most of us are in similar classes and only have to be here for a little over half the day. Due to all of us sticking to the scheduling plan, we all were able to get almost all our required course and electives done. Instead of having seven classes in one day, we all have five. By the time lunch rolls around, we're free the rest of the afternoon, meaning much longer DND matches with the nerds and more gossip and jam times with the only other female in our group.

"So meet up at the library for lunch?" I confirm once more as the morning bell rings, signally to all the student and staff that the first day is about to begin. The three people around me reply in agreement, and we head out. For the first hour of the day as well as the last, we're in different places. I'm not sure where the others are going, but I begin my journey to the library, one of my all-time favorite places.

I walk through the doors and slide over the counter, careful not to be seen but not careful enough. I plop in my seat at the front desk as someone walks up behind me.

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you to go through the gate. It's literally five feet away, Lynn!" I send a humored smile to the woman walking behind me, a rather large stack of books in her arms.

I stand up and begin taking ones off the top. "Five feet of unnecessary effort, in my opinion."

"And playing parkour in the library is?" Mrs. Gibbons says, deadpanning.

"To each their own."

She sighs but then laughs. "How was your summer, kid?"

"Pretty decent." I now have half the stack in my arms, and I follow behind her. "My mom and I went to Arizona for a few days and then Seattle for a week. We didn't have much time, but we drove through somewhere in Canada on the way back just because."

Mrs. Gibbons sets the books down on a cart where there are a couple of rows on the bottom already filled. Taking her lead, I lower my stack to the opposite side and begin placing them side by side. I presume these are outdated and to be sold or given away. "What's in Arizona and Seattle?"

A smile hits my face immediately. "There's a college in Flagstaff with a great writing program. I went on a day trip around the campus. And Seattle is just someplace we wanted to visit."

"That's so good to hear, hon! Are you considering?"

I lean back against the counter right behind me as my mentor continues to shelve books. "It's a little far."

Turning to face me, Mrs. Gibbons send me a confused stare. "I thought you wanted to get away from this god-forsaken state?"

She's right. All I've wanted since my father left was to get out of Missouri (or Misery, if anyone's asking). My mom and I left Maine a long time ago go escape unimaginable horrors, but I wasn't expecting those nightmares to follow me here. The move was negligent in getting us away from memories a selfish prick poisoned and to start new somewhere far away, where no one knows me as the girl with a deadbeat dad. In this small town, everyone knows everything. I'd like to escape, to be a complete stranger to everyone.

But Arizona is a couple of thousand miles away from the place I grew up in, my home. I feel incredibly guilty about considering a college so far away from the woman who has taken care of me on her own since I entered elementary school, who has taught me that voicing my opinion and being honest is valued more than timidity and who told me that no man should ever keep a thumb on me. The other influencers in my life are also staying around here. Ellie has been accepted in a very pretentious private school for the Fine Arts a couple of cities over while River and Gabe are thinking about community college before making the jump into university. While solitude and adventures are what I crave, everyone who keeps my sanity in control is here.

I sigh, crossing my arms. "I do, but... I'm just not sure what I really want. Like, I would kill to get out of here, but what if everywhere is worse?"

"Trust me; there's nowhere worse than southwest Missouri, hon."

Again, she has a point.

I hum in response. There a brief moment of silence as we shelve old, dusty books. "So how was your summer?"

Mrs. Gibbons smile kindly, fawning over memories I doubt. "Richie took two weeks off, and we went Fiji. It was so beautiful. The water is clear, the people are wonderful, and the food– oh my God, the food." I secretly have a small thing for Richard Gibbons, or, as his wife calls him, Richie. This "thing" isn't a crush or infatuation by any means, but when he walks into the library on random occasions, he has a natural gift to swoon anyone he encounters. I've unfortunately fallen victim to his charisma a few times. He's an image of the wealthy 1930's businessman with modern values and beliefs weaved in his fine suits. Mr. Gibbons might be my mother's age, or possibly older, but I have to say, Mrs. Gibbons is quite the lucky woman.

I chuckle at her. "I'm sometimes surprised you haven't filed for early retirement."

"Richie makes quite the cash, but how and I supposed to entertain myself when he's gone ten hours a day and then for weeks on end?" Mrs. Gibbons pauses and looks around her library, then back to me. The growing crows feet wrinkle into a smile. "And besides, I can't leave my favorite kids behind, now can I?"

"I guess you can't," I reply.

Ten minutes later, I'm back at my desk. Well, technically mine, Mrs. Gibbons, and the other kid who helps out during school hours. I've never met them, so I'm not sure who exactly they are. Anyway, the "desk" is a long bar that has a foot-high wall that stretches all the way down to the ends, creating a divider between my computer and a student or faculty member. The top of this divider is flat, forming a plane in which books or arms can be set on. Most of the time, books scatter the top, but since it's the first day, the library is not only spotlessly clean but deadly empty.

That is until someone catches my attention. Sitting at the far side of the desk, I'm able to see who is coming a mile before he steps through the open library doors. This time was no different.

With long, lean legs and a towering height walks in none other than Mr. Tom Hiddleston.

Easily being the hottest teacher of all time, I feel a blush beginning to creep up my cheeks just at the mere sight of him. Apart from his 6'2 figure, he sports tame yet still curly reddish-brown hair, divine enough for the gods, if he isn't one already. Mr. Hiddleston's cheekbones and jawline remind me of razors, which I would feel honored to be cut by. However, his eyes are a color I can't pick out. Because I've never been in close proximity, my guess, from my distance, is green, or maybe blue. The ambiguity makes him all the more interesting. I wonder if he has some long-distance vibe because as soon as I look up to see him, Mrs. Gibbons is right out front— and missing her cardigan. I raise my brows at her from the swivel chair, but her eyes are focused down and away from me. Elbowing her slightly, I nod once, doing a run over of her exposed arms and a little cleavage. Jokingly, she swats my arms and blushes scarlet. I begin to laugh, somehow holding most in when Mr. Hiddleston walks in.

"Hello, Ruby," he smiles softly. As if he wasn't attractive enough, the man has a damn British accent. It's almost as if he's trying to stick out among the hicks. "It's good to see you. How was your summer, darling?"

If her fingers weren't wrapped around the edge of the desk, I guarantee she would have fallen over. Honestly, I would have done the same. "Absolutely marvelous! Fiji is a beautiful place. I imagine you would like it there."

I make the snarky note that she left her husband out of the conversation. Thinking about it, I try to glance over at her left hand to check if anything is missing.

Zoning out the best I could, I file through the library's emails and begin writing down books teachers are requesting. Like usual, the freshmen English teachers ask for The Great Gatsby, and the sophomore teachers need 1984. Due to being taught-in-class books, I scoot back in my chair to make a beeline to the back room and take the note with me, the sticky top staying attached to my fingertips.

"Oh, Lynn?" I hear Mrs. Gibbons call out.

I just entered the back room, so I comically poked my head out. "You called?"

I seem to humor both parties, a smile etched on their face. "Could you get the copies of Of Mice and Men?" My vision glances over to the teacher behind the desk for a short moment. His tall frame leans on the counter, arms crossed on the platform, apparently indicating familiarity and comfort in the room. I catch his stare. I realize now his eyes are in fact blue.

Nodding, I duck back into the room, setting my sticky note to the side. During the time I have to gather the fifteen or so books, I allow my reddening cheeks to cool off by taking long breaths. "Don't be weird, Lynn," I whisper to myself, extending my arms out towards the collection of novels. "He's just a hot teacher. Calm yourself."

Finishing the stack, I wrap my arms around the tower, huffing as I do. I carefully whisk myself towards the open door, making a mental note to go back to my list.

Mrs. Gibbons and Mr. Hiddleston chat among themselves not too far from where I left. Now sitting in her swivel chair, typing away feverishly on her computer, and keeping a conversation going, the librarian doesn't notice my return, though the man across does. He nods in my direction. The simplest gesture is somehow insanely attractive. Mrs. Gibbons looks over her shoulder, sending me a smirk. "Oh, there you are! Thought I lost you."

I fake a small laugh. "I'm surprised I didn't; it's quite the mess back there," I tease, waddling over to the counter. "Where would you like 'em, boss?" I'm not sure who I would refer to, glancing once at Mr. Hiddleston, to Mrs. Gibbons, then back to the stack in my arms.

"Would you mind escorting me to my classroom? I tend to be clumsy at times." With a warm smile, Mr. Hiddleston glances down to Mrs. Gibbons, awaiting her approval.

At that moment, I'm not sure if I would love or hate to go. On the one hand, I get to spend time with Mr. Hiddleston, every horny teenager's dream. On the other, I'm alone with Mr. Hiddleston, someone I've never had a conversation with let alone a 'hello' until minutes ago. Knowing my luck, I will somehow embarrass myself in front of him. It wouldn't be the end of the world since I don't have any of his classes nor do I have classes near his, but God I would feel like a fool for the rest of my life.

But, hey, he's something pretty to look at.

"Yeah, I don't mind. Is that okay, Mrs. Gibbons? I promise I won't bail on you," I say.

The librarian nods her head, fixing her glasses. "Of course, go right ahead! There isn't much to do now anyway. Just make sure you're back before the bell rings."

"Don't worry, Ruby. I won't keep her long," Mr. Hiddleston reassures.

I wouldn't be opposed if you did, I think to myself. The comment makes me blush, even going to my ears. Some reasons how I could be kept late quickly flash by and I find myself wishing I had not taken Mr. Hiddleston's offer. With my skin still burning, I make my way around the front desk as he follows me on the other side. The gate is shut, and due to my arms being preoccupied, I realized I might have to swing it using my hip, nothing too abnormal. I helped out Mrs. Gibbons last year and would do the same thing when my arms were full. However, Mr. Hiddleston was not accustomed to my way of opening the gate. Just as I go to butt it, Mr. Hiddleston reaches out. In an awkward exchange, Mr. Hiddleston's hand, which was aiming to wrap around the gate, collides on my hip instead.

It's nothing terribly exciting but enough to get a gasp and a jealous exchange from Ellie, and damn right I'll take that.

He pauses barely a second before quickly retracting his arm to his side. A blush of the same shade of scarlet cover our cheeks, an awkward laugh bubbling out.

"I'm sorry," I shyly push out.

Shaking his head, now making sure his hand is on the gate, Mr. Hiddleston bashfully looks down and opens up the exit for me. "Don't be, love. It was my fault."

"If you want to be the culprit, be my guest," I reply sassily. I don't want to see if my comment amused him or caused a cringe, so I don't look up. Instead, I look around for something to make our trip easier. "Did you want me to get a cart instead of carrying them up? It's up to you."

Shrugging, Mr. Hiddleston begins taking books from the stack, leaving me with less than half. "I don't mind walking if you don't mind. I missed my morning jog, so I'm trying to compromise the best I can."

I nod and kindly smile, even though my insides and my weak muscles are upset I took on the mission. "Walking it is then. Lead the way!"

Mr. Hiddleston turns on his heel, passing a smile to Mrs. Gibbons. "Thank you for letting me steal your little helper."

"Just return her the way she's leaving," Mrs. Gibbons retorts.

"We'll see," he replies, sending me a smirk and a wink. If the man wanted to turn my knees into jelly, he already succeeded from the first introduction. Now he's just teasing my flustered heart. "Just this way, love," Mr. Hiddleston tells me. I'm too afraid to speak, so I nod, smile, and follow beside him up the staircase.

[faustrinus]

Non Magical AU, Poet!Remus and Musician!Sirius

Part two! :D

· Sirius spent five hours trying to write the perfect letter. His hand was getting tired, two pens had already stopped working, and tons of not achieved attempts were laying on the floor, making a mess. James had left Sirius alone after the first two hours, not before shouting, “You’re not marrying him yet, calm down!” which made Sirius blush madly at the simple thought of marriage. Definitely too much.

· When he finally had in his hands what he considered the perfect letter he sighed contentedly, admiring his hard work. He did everything he could to make it look good, but like I just happen to be able to write perfectly and express my thoughts without any problem good. He wanted Werewolf to know he cared enough to write a good and thoughtful letter, but he didn’t spend half a lifetime doing it. He couldn’t look that desperate, could he?

· Luckily, after having one of the fanciest educations you could have thanks to his mother (not that she cared, she didn’t, she just wanted Sirius to be good at everything, that was a bare minimum stablished in the house) Sirius was one of these people that had an extremely clear and pretty way of writing. At one time in his life he even wondered in he could charge people to write their letters for them (but decided it wasn’t a good idea after learning that some people exchange some… not so family-friendly letters between each other, specially lovers).

· Well, he found a pretty envelope (that smelled old, and he guessed the poet kind of enjoyed that vibe) and grabbed his keys to go and deliver the letter.

· The whole time he was nervous, and when he came home that night, he couldn’t stop touching his newest tattoo. The guy who wrote what he had in his skin was sending letters to know, he knew. And he liked The Marauders music. He couldn’t stop thinking about, and it took both James and Peter to get him out of his fantasies.

· Okay, Remus. If he was being honest- he was totally overwhelmed by the whole situation. Not only THE Sirius Black had a tattoo of one of his poems, but he also took time from his own performance to talk how much he liked what Remus did in general. And now Remus was waiting for a letter from a hot Rockstar, nothing to be scared of, right?

· He told himself he wouldn’t panic, but when the letter arrived the next day he was pacing around and twisting the envelope carefully, he didn’t want to ruin it. It smelled so nice, like the old books that were collecting dust under his bed.

· When he started reading the letter, his legs threatened to give up, but he took a deep breath and keep reading. Could someone blame him if he was obsessed with Sirius’s calligraphy? It was so beautiful and elegant, so different from Remus’s, that was always messy and with weird shapes. He couldn’t help it- his hands trembled a lot and his pulse wasn’t the best to keep things organized. But it was understandable, and he was okay with it.

· Returning to the letter, right. Remus touched the paper so many times to make sure it was real, searching for any sign hiding behind a dot that Sirius didn’t want to keep messaging him. There wasn’t one, in fact, Sirius ended the letter with a cordial, “I do find myself looking forward to maybe, in one near possibility, keep sending you these letters. I admire you a lot, and getting to know you would be one of the greatest to receive in this life time.” For a Rockstar, he wrote like he was the protagonist of book that ended up with him and his lover being together after defeating all odds. Quite… romantic. And dramatic, Sirius was dramatic.

· Remus ignored his thoughts and read again just to be certain of what he knew now. Sirius wanted to keep in touch, he absolutely loved Remus poems, he didn’t regret at all his tattoo (and he also begged Remus to forgive him in case he found it uncomfortable) and in general he was happy Remus attended the performance. Remus was happy too.

· The following days more letters were exchanged, every single one of them becoming more and more intimate. At first, they didn’t know what to write about- Remus would send poems and thoughts about them, explaining to Sirius his creating process (that he thought it was really boring even though Sirius told him he liked it) and some topics he liked to write about. Sirius sent back some lyrics he had wrote and particularly enjoyed, sometimes mentioning the anecdotes they had behind them. Remus would laugh every time he did this, because, God, Sirius did some stupid and amazing things. There was this one lyric that said (and Remus loved) “And I hope whoever is above forgives me for loving an angel that fell down” and Sirius explained that even when that lyric was quite “deep” he wrote it after seeing a cheap angel statue in a store nearby and then laughing at James who fell down at the entry of the store. Remus loved the lyric even more after the explanation.

· Finally, after three whole weeks of sending letters to each other every day, Remus took all the courage he could and ended his most recent letter with “You can call me Remus, Sirius. That’s my name, and I think is more comfortable than having to refer to me as Werewolf. Still wonder why I chose that nickname.”

· When Sirius read that he literally fell down the couch, eyes wide opened. “James, he told me his name! his real name! he practically revealed his identity to me!” “You two are quite close now, aren’t you? Why don’t you ask him to meet up with someday? You could suggest it. C’mon, I want to know if the guy you are in love with is as handsome as I am- “ “I’m not in love with him- “ “Okay. But you’ll be if he keeps sending you letters that make you smile as big as you’re doing right now. Stop, is scary.” “Shut up.”

· Sirius thought a lot about what James said (when he said a lot, he meant he meditated for like ten minutes and decided it wasn’t that crazy) and wrote down in the next letter, it was shorter than the others he had sent. He was writing the usual, grasping for air just to put in the end, “Remus, I know you feel more comfortable hiding your identity, and I’m happy you decided to tell me your real name. But I was thinking… is just a suggestion, but maybe one day we can get some coffee together? We don’t need to go out in public, but there are some pretty nice and calm places to hang out around here. No one would disturb us if you interested. Think about it.”

· Remus screamed. He was too new to this interest that the vocalist of The Marauders had in him, but he didn’t despise it, he… okay, maybe he was dying to get a date with Sirius, and maybe he had a possibility, but his reflection in the mirror told him otherwise. He was used to look half-dead (he was sure he had broken all the bones in his body at least once, and he got sick quite often), but it was still discouraging to see his lanky figure and think that maybe that wasn’t was Sirius was waiting for.

· Yet, he couldn’t reject the offer by saying “No, I��m sorry, I’m ugly,” (even though he was the only one that thought that), so he nodded to himself and wrote a new letter. A positive answer to what Sirius was asking, he was still unsure on how he could improve the way he looked in some days (or hours, if he had magic or something), but with some effort maybe Sirius would ignore his image.

· Days passed by and Friday came, the day when Sirius and Remus would finally meet in person, or well, Sirius would meet Remus in person. Sirius tried to dress casually, enough to look good but also in a way people wouldn’t think, yeah, that is a Rockstar. He didn’t want anything disturbing the day. He even sent James and Peter to a friend’s house (poor Mary) so in case everything went wrong he could come back to an empty house and he could cry about it and then eat the chocolate cake James brought the other day.

· Remus decided to totally ignore his mirror after fixing his hair a little bit. The more he looked at himself the more self-conscious he would get, and he wasn’t ready to get his day ruined by snarky comments coming out of his own brain. He looked good, he was ready and the day would be awesome.

· Sirius arrived first. He sat down and started tapping the table with his fingers, nervousness taking over him. He had sent the exact address and even the number of the table they would at (and that was important because Sirius chose one that was hiding behind some curtains, and it offered privacy), but he was worried Remus wouldn’t find him.

· A few minutes passed and when he was ready to order a glass of water to entertain himself, someone coughed softly to gain his attention. When he looked up, he was certain that he had forgotten how to talk, because who is this tall and handsome man and why is he sitting right in front of me. That was Remus? He was certainly a lot taller than Sirius expected him to be, and he had scar going across his face. Sirius noticed he also had tons of little ones in his hands, and maybe what he was thinking wasn’t the purest thing on earth, but Remus scars were hot. He was hot. You don’t arrive at a cafe to find that the Poet you have been reading non stop for some time was extremely attractive every day.

· Remus coughed again and Sirius tried to act normal, smiling at him. They were both sitting in front of each other, Remus cracking his knuckles and Sirius still staring at him. Remus was trying not to stare back because this was the first time, he was so close to the vocalist, and he knew he would blush if he did.

· But his mental plan failed when Sirius commented, without any trace of shame, “I like your eyes. They’re pretty,” and Remus melted right there. He laughed out of nervousness and Sirius followed with him, both giggling. “Thanks, I… I’m sorry. Is just that I wasn’t expecting that.” “Is fine. I blurted it out, sorry. I should have asked if you were Remus first, but now that think of it, that would have been stupid since you came directly to this table. And only you knew I was sitting here.”

· After a few more giggles, they ordered what was tempting at the moment (Sirius recommending the best pastries) and started talking a little more comfortably. Remus spoke the most (surprising to even him) and Sirius listened, nodding from time to time. After mumbling a lot of things at the beginning, Sirius showed he was as nervous as Remus was, maybe even more.

· They spoke about everything they could, laughing between stories and taking breaks to change the subject and then come back. They even had to remind themselves to eat because talking was so fun, they forgot the food was waiting for them. Maybe the coffee wasn’t hot, but it was fine. More than fine, the coffee was excellent when the company was making it better.

· Hours passed and they didn’t notice. By the end of the conversation about school and friends, a waitress came to tell them they were going to close. Sirius was startled, how much time had passed? They divided the bill in equal parts (even though Sirius insisted he wanted to pay) and got out of the cafe. Outside was cold and cloudy, and Sirius blushed when he noticed the first thing he thought about was Remus looks cute with his face all red thanks to the cold.

· They both stood outside for some minutes, until Remus spoke, his face hiding behind the scarf he was wearing, “Would you… like to do this again? Because I certainly would.”

· Sirius nodded so fast that Remus laughed loudly, his smile making his freckles shine a little bit and Sirius felt his heart beat a little faster. He didn’t have a type before? Well now he certainly did. And it was Remus.

· “Maybe… Are you free on Wednesday? You could come over to my house. Well, the one I share with James and Peter. You could help me write some lyrics. I’m… a little bit blocked. If you could say it like that, and having you writing lyrics for the group would be amazing.” “I would like that, yes. Would you send me the address?” “Sure! It will be in the next letter.” “Great.”

· They shared a weird but not uncomfortable silence until Remus whispered “Fuck it” and kissed Sirius on the cheek, quickly turning around and walking to his home, “Good night, Sirius.”

· Sirius face went red as it could go, and he only mumbled “Good night, Remus,” when Remus was already a few steps ahead. If the boy had enough courage, he did too, so he wiped his sweaty hands in his jeans and shouted, “Can the next one be on the lips?”

· Remus blushed and laughed loud enough for Siris to hear. He nodded to himself, and he swore he heard Sirius go “Yes! I won, fuckers!” behind him.

None of them could wait until Wednesday.

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[lofitojii]

Admiration VI

Summary: He’s the son of Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty. He was everything as described, handsome, cunning, admirable. You, the daughter of Poseidon, god of waters, knows that it’s against the rules to fall for such a man. Demigods aren’t allowed to be romantically involved with one another. But it’s hard to stay away.

Warning: [M] Swearing.

Word Count: 2.5k

Admiration Masterlist

“Utah?” Chanyeol asked, looking over you shoulder from the back seat. You nodded you head, glancing from the map to the open road in front of you. The clouds thundered, the rain hitting the ground ever so gently. “What’s in Utah?” 

“Jongdae,” You replied. “He said that we’ll meet him and a friend in the mountains of Salt Lake Valley.” We all knew this was risky, especially when it came to Jongdae. Jongin swears that he is trustworthy but when someone has a bad rap, you can’t help but be on your toes. 

“Can we even trust that guy?” Chanyeol asked as if he was reading my mind. He lifted his arms, resting his head back as he leaned into his seat. “I’m almost sure his father has ratted out many and has quite literally thrown people under the bus.” 

“He’s a good guy,” Jongin replied. “I’ve known him for a while and he’s helped me with a lot.” Jongin seemed timid, uneasy if you may, as if the questions we were asking were making him nervous.

“Okay, but who’s to say he’s not working with the council? He also could’ve told his father who probably cares more about the bounty on our heads-” 

“He owes me one,” Jongin cut Chanyeol off. He let out a deep sigh, rubbing his thighs up and down as he tried to form his thoughts. “A while back, before I was to set off for Olympia,” he started, fidgeting more than before. “We had run into each other at a store. He was being followed by these big men in black suits, US secret force, or something along those lines. I guess Jongdae had stolen something and was being hunted so I helped him escape through a secret portal doors my mother and Poseidon had set up for easy traveling among worlds. He told me that if I kept the item safe, he would help me out whenever I needed it.” 

“What was the item?” you asked, curiosity getting the best of you. It must’ve been something belonging to the Gods for it was forbidden for Gods to commit crimes among the humans. He must’ve been hired by Zeus. 

“Not sure,” he replied, leaning back in his seat. “Jongdae had it charmed so it can’t be opened by anyone else other than those who were involved in the making of the charm. Either way, if he turns us in, he knows the charm is rooted from a promise he made me and it break whatever the item is.” Jongin wasn’t known for telling little white lies so when he explained the situation, you couldn’t help but believe him. Not to mention a Gods or Goddess’ charm are eternal and pure. Jongdae and Jongin would be risking their godly life if a promise like that was broken. He wasn’t lying.

You were all on edge, the air within the car growing tense as Baekhyun approached the Utah state line. His hands gripped the steering wheel with great force, his knuckles turning white. “When we get there, we have to ditch this car.” He hadn’t said anything all morning. 

He looked so frazzled, his hair messier than you had ever seen. He was wearing a gray hoodie, black jeans. It was unlike Baekhyun to be so uncoordinated. You slowly reached out your hand, placing it on his thigh, giving it a small squeeze. He glanced over at you, taking the hand you had placed and bringing it to his lips. You had spent many nights with Baekhyun, from passionate love to calm nights with sweet words. He’s more of a suffer in silence type, which you had caught on many years before. You knew he had a lot to say, but we would never say it. Not in front of your friends, at least. 

As Baekhyun began to wind up the scenic route of the mountain, you could tell his heart rate was rising as he leaned forward, his eyes focused on the curve in front of you. Your own heart began to race as Baekhyun frantically started his sentence. “When we hit this turn, we jump out the passenger side. I’ll slow down enough so we don’t get injured.” 

“Woah woah! Jump out?” Chanyeol panicked. We didn’t even have enough time to brace ourselves before Baekhyun pulled on the stirring wheel, our bodies thrashing to the side.

“NOW!” Baekhyun yelled, reaching over my body and swinging the door open. He was quick to wrap his arm around my waist, launching both of us out of the car. He was so graceful with every move, every stride. He calmly landed on his knee and left foot, gently placing me down next to him. “See? Not a single scratch.” 

“Yeah,” Jongin groaned, pushing Chanyeol off of his body. “For you.” You couldn’t help but let out a laugh as the two boys began to bicker about how it was the other persons fault for not being more coordinated. 

“Damn it,” Chanyeol wined. “I didn’t even get to finish my coffee.” You rolled your eyes as he sulked behind you, following up a small trail not far from where Baekhyun had dumped the car. Just as you were about to make a comment, you tensed at the sound of crunching leaves behind you. You stopped dead in your tracks, trying to focus on where the rustling was coming from. “Do you hear tha-”

“Shh,” you were quick to cut him off. You continued to listen, your mind racing with ideas of how to take care of the situation. Your mind raced with images on who it could be.

The council. US Secret Service. A demonic creature.

Your eyes fluttered shut, your mind beginning to clear as you tried to relax and observe your opportunities. Your father had taught you many strategic moves, from stealth to quick attacks from behind. And just like that, you heard the steps grow closer, louder. You didn’t need to turn around to make your move. You grabbed the reached out arm, swinging the body over your shoulder, locking him in an armbar.

“What the hell, Sehun?” You scolded, tightening your grip so he knew you were upset with him. 

“I’m.. Sorry.. I heard.. The crash.. I was.. Damnit Y/n let go!” You released your grip, getting back up on your feet. You brushed the loose dirt off your leggings, an arm reached out for Sehun who reluctantly took it. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” 

“Yeah you did,” you responded, glare intense. 

“Yeah, I did.” You couldn’t help but let a small smile creep across your face as Sehun smirked at your comment. “And I should’ve known you wouldn’t let me get away with it.” 

Sehun joined your group, trecking with you up the small trail. He led the group to a rather large cabin that was actually in the middle of the woods. It was miles, if not hours from nearest convenience store. It was isolated, just as suspected. 

“Welcome,” Jongdae greeted the group. He stepped aside, leading you into the grand living room. It was beautiful, to say the least. The decor ranging from old renaissance paintings, vases, emerald green trim around the furniture, brick walls form a fireplace in the center of the home. Jongdae led the way towards the kitchen, a map already laid out on the middle table. “I found this map in the basement of one of my dad’s hideouts. It’s a full map that shows you where you can find other gods, goddesses, sirens, centars, you name it. It’s how he would know whether or not to avoid a certain area or if he was safe to pass through. And check this out. Y/n, hold your necklace orb above the map.” 

You took the necklace from your neck, letting it dangle like a pendulum above the paper. Suddenly, the map disappeared with the image of Earth and appeared a map of Olympia. The necklace orb lit up with a blue aura as if it was releasing some sort of steam. You looked down at the map, a small blue dot mirroring the color of your orb. “That’s your father,” Jongdae smirked. 

“No way!” Chanyeol exclaimed, taking his own orb from around his neck. He mirrored your movement, focusing on the orb in hand. It lit up with light pink aura, changing the map once more. This time, it took us to the moon. “Of course she would stay out of this.” 

“This way, you can tell how close the troupe is. Baekhyun and Jongin will most likely be able to see troupes whereas Y/n and Chanyeol are able to see their parent.” Jongdae wrapped up the map and handed it to Baekhyun.

“Why is that?” Baekhyun asked, confusion visible across his face. 

“Your mother, as well as Jongin’s, have created army type troupes with their power. Your orb can trace those powers no matter who it’s passed to. Also, this is the only map of it’s kind. My father became obsessed and had to hide it from himself.” A map that can tell you where gods and goddesses are. Or at least their power. “I have marked your first location on that map. As soon as you leave here, the map becomes yours and I am unable to take it back. You have to keep this promise. Baekhyun,” Jongdae reached his hand out, his necklace dangling from his middle finger. Baekhyun followed his same motion, his orb shining a deep hot pink, Jongdae’s being white. “Promise you won’t give up. Promise your love is real for Y/n and that you will protect your friends. If broken, your rings will dissolve and the map will disappear and return to me. Keep your promise, you will be safe and your journey for Hera will be met with success.” 

“I promise,” Baekhyun answered as soon as Jongdae ended his speech. You could see Baekhyun’s eyes glowing the same color as his necklace, mesmerizing, to say the least. Jongdae smirked, putting his necklace in his pocket. 

“True honesty,” Jongdae shook his head. “So pure yet so rare.” 

They say those with intense power who hold true honesty within their hearts are to unlock their full potential when asked to keep a promise. Their eyes glow the color of their aura, unleashing an inhumane strength. The only descendants you had heard to contain this power was those of Aphrodite and Hera herself. Honesty and loyalty were very big within the community. You had just witnessed true honesty for the first time in the flesh. 

And it was Baekhyun promising his love was real for you.

Baekhyun looked over at you, his eyes still burning the bright pink. “Incredible.” You turned to see Sehun shaking his head in disbelief. “They say that those who descend from Aphrodite contain an incredible power that is only shown when they’re honest.” Your heart raced at Sehun’s words. “And when they’re truly in love.” 

“I plan on marrying you,” Baekhyun had yet to take his eyes off you. You grew flustered at his words, feeling your whole body shiver as he inched closer to you. “After we find Hera and the ban is lifted, I want to make you my life partner as soon as I can. That is a promise.” He wrapped his arm around your waist, the other pressing your head in his chest. You knew he was being honest based on how brightly his eyes were still glowing. The warm embrace of his hug made you feel incredibly safe, finding so much comfort within him. 

You knew the more time you let slip by was more time for the council to catch up to you. You felt the anxiety bubble at the thought, your mind racing. 

“Jongdae,” Jongin spoke barley above a whisper. You could see the nerves engulfing his body as he fidgeted to form his sentence. “Can I ask about-” 

“Your first stop,” Jongdae winked. “You’ll see her then.” Plum. You remember the conversation you and Jongin had before you had set off on your journey together. Was she going to remember him? Does she look the same as before? You knew the consequences yet you were more scared than Jongin seemed to be. “Alright. This door here will take you to the base of Mount Fugi in Japan and from there it’s about 30 miles into the woods. Use your map if you get lost but I’m sure Kyungsoo or Plum will find you before you make it within a 10 mile radius.” 

You all followed Jongdae out the door, being met in a huge basin of a beautiful mountain. It was raining, the clouds cast a dark overcast. It was a breathtaking view. “Oh and before I forget,” Jongdae started. “Kyungsoo and Plum were told to battle anyone who tries to pass, bound by a promise they had made to the Nature Goddess, Gaia who is also their mother. I told them about you guys and your journey but that by no means they will make you an exception. Knock one out or capture them both in order to pass. They will give you what information you need if you succeed in beating them.” 

“That doesn’t seem too complicated,” Chanyeol replied. He gripped both mine and Jongin’s shoulder, giving us both a sturdy shake. “We’ve got two badass fighters on our team.” You looked over at Jongin, his face pale. 

“Jongin?” You asked, trying to read his expression. 

“I wouldn’t be too confident there,” Jongdae laughed. “This is their terrain after all.” And with that, Jongdae retreated back in through the door, leaving the four of you alone in the middle of the grass field.

“What does that even mean?” Chanyeol asked, scratching his head in pure confusion. 

“It means you could possibly die if you let your guard down.” You turned around, being met with an unfamiliar face. He was short, shorter than you at least. His black hair falling ever so lightly in front of his eyes. He wore what looked to be a samurai outfit, but only the cloth material. “You must be who Jongdae was talking about. It would be smart to use your orbs against me.”

Jongin and Baekhyun were quick to materialize weapons from their orbs, taking a stance in front of Chanyeol and myself. “He’s being serious,” Jongin pointed out. The look in the unfamiliar mans eyes was soul pericing. You knew his action were based on his eternal promise. He was confident, as he should be. This is what he’s trained his whole life for. 

But you had also trained for this.

With this being his own area, you knew his strength could be stronger than if it was on an even battlefield. You had to think quickly and rationally in order to not hurt yourself or your friends. You mirrored the image of Jongin and Baekhyun, materializing the weapon you felt could hold your ground. Your father’s Triton. 

“Well,” the man smirked. “Let’s begin, shall we?”

[hisakata-resutomoshibi]

Please do more blackcat!Kuro!❤️ It’s like reading a fanfic I really want to know what happens next! How did he know Mahiru’s name? Are they still Servamp or full on regular vampires?

Hey anon! I don’t have any drawings for you this time but I did continue on a little from that last time! I’m glad you asked for more, I’m having a lot of fun adding to this AU!

Hope you enjoy~

(And thanks for the idea @thesilenceislost !♡)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While Mahiru was waiting for his eyes to adjust to the gloom of the cave he found that sometime between his kidnapping and now he had acquired a fair amount of leaves and dust in his hair. Shaking it out, he was caught off guard by the hand that landed on his shoulder.

"What do you think?"

The voice was soft and lyrical, but still rough at the edges in a way that Mahiru couldn't quite describe, as though it were from a fantasy, something half remembered and more imaginary than physical. He glanced back to meet two glowing eyes, grinning happily at him through the shadows.

"Of what?" Rather than answer, Kuro flung his arms wide, indicating the small enclosure. Taking that as his only answer, Mahiru sighed. "Is this where you live?" It had been a sarcastic question, not meant seriously but only to annoy, and when Kuro nodded he felt his mouth drop open.

In the settling gloom, made all the more pervasive by the quarter moon, Mahiru began to worry he was having an episode; his new friend still had a wild mix of hair tones, strange, loosely buttoned pin striped suit, and questionable circles under his eyes, but here, shrouded in shadow and that ethereal feeling one always got from deep forests, Mahiru was forced to admit that he was seeing horns. Incorporeal and flickering, like cotton candy light, they were twisted, hovering somewhere above the jet black eyebrows that arched so playfully and ending in jaunty curls above his head.

Despite everything Mahiru found he had to stop himself from reaching out to try to touch them, so interested to see if they were real or not he was. Almost literally holding his arm back, he took a final, hasty look around them. His eyes having finally acclimated he could now see that the walls were lined in old style, dripping candles, some ensconced, others jammed into Victorian chandeliers, and most, just simply stuck to the rough rock with their own melted wax. There didn't seem to be much of anything else here and once again Mahiru was struck with the deja vu feeling of a bad prank.

"It's different." He finally said, too late, wondering if his lackluster answer would anger Kuro. He chanced a peek up and almost laughed when he saw Kuro's lips twisted into an ecstatic grin, eyes bright.

"Isn't it?" Kuro threw an appreciative glance around as well before leaning forward. "Now what?"

"N-now what?" Mahiru repeated in confusion, stumbling over his words in worry. "What do you mean?”

Kuro frowned momentarily before sighing. "I mean now what, now what! I've brought you here."

"Yes...." Mahiru agreed, trailing off. "But I'm not sure why."

"You aren't?" Kuro looked affronted and took a swift step forward but when Mahiru flinched back, a thought seemed to pass through his mind and he paused. "Ah, this isn't how you would normally do this, is it? I told you," He said flippantly, tossing a hand cavalierly around, "I don't quite understand, you're going to have to tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"What is 'appropriate'!" He exclaimed, smiling maniacally.

"You really have an obsession with that word, don't you." Mahiru muttered tiredly. 

When Kuro only continued to smile at him he felt his shoulders slump in defeat and fell to the ground, crossing his legs and leaning back on his hands. "Let me guess. I'm stuck here, aren't I?"

Kuro dropped down, mirroring his posture, and shrugged. "Depends on your definition of stuck, doesn't it?"

"Oh, now you know what words mean?" Mahiru demanded, glaring for a second before deflating. "Right, so. I guess first things first. That's simplest." He paused, eyeing the horns still wavering in and out of existence. "Are those real?"

Kuro quirked a brow before glancing up through the tangle of bangs over his forehead. "Of course."

"Mhm." Mahiru murmured neutrally. "And if I tried to touch them what would happen?"

The question seemed to stump Kuro for a moment and he stared off into middle space as he thought it through; Mahiru could almost see him rolling the words around in his head like bread dough. When his eyes finally focused again there was a touch of amusement lacing through them. "Why don't you try it?"

"Pass." Mahiru said flatly. He bit his lip, trying to decide what the best way to find out their actual location would be and was floored to realize he had somehow completely blocked out the trip here. The inhuman speed that had so frightened him had almost immediately filtered out of his conscious thoughts and now, trying to remember, he found that it was a blurry guess at best. "Did... how do you move so quickly?" He finally asked, coming to the conclusion that subterfuge just wasn't his style.

"Fast?" Kuro cocked his head, pupils reflecting the flickering mellow glow of the candles (that were.... suddenly lit??). "I just ran. You can run, can't you?"

Mahiru threw him a halfhearted glare. "Sure, but not like that. I did do track though." He paused, wondering why he had bothered with that last little detail; surely a man like this, so strange and inhuman would find knowledge of his life bori-

"What is track?" Kuro asked excitedly, leaning forward.

A small, fleeting grin flew over Mahiru's lips and he gave up; really, what else could he do right now? "It's a sport. Like in school?" At the only slightly less puzzled look he got in return he continued. "A bunch of people practice running as fast as they can and then there are meetings where you compete with other teams."

"I see." Kuro nodded once and then glanced over his shoulder, almost worriedly.

"So what is your plan exactly?"

"My plan?"

"Yes. Like, now what? Are we just going to stay in this cave forever? I have to get home at some point, you know."

Kuro smiled widely, leaning still farther forward, now almost in Mahiru's lap. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to! I can make sure of that!" He looked as though he had just won some argument and Mahiru almost laughed.

"But I want to go home."

"You do?" He stared at him blankly, frowning softly. "Are you sure? I can make anything a reality! I can give you anything you want~" He reached out, blindingly fast, and curled his fingers through Mahiru's hair, giving a gentle tug that had shivers racing down Mahiru's spine. "I have the power to do anything you want."

Trying to ignore the aftershocks still tickling his skin, Mahiru raised a brow. "What makes you think I want you to?"

"Everyone wants something." Kuro whispered before darting smoothly forward. He froze just an inch from Mahiru's neck, his lips resting softly against the quick, warm, pulse. "And all I need in exchange is a little something from you."

His voice was like melted caramel, leaking in and filling Mahiru's ears with images of rich luxury, power, and freedom, and beneath it all, a dark destruction. He shook himself, pulling back in fright and slapping a hand over his neck. "No! I don't want that."

"'That' what?" Kuro purred, unperturbed by Mahiru's denial. "What did you see?"

They stared at each other in silence as the moon rose ever higher and somewhere, far away, a small owl hooted it's displeasure. The sound was like a buzzer and Mahiru shot up, his legs numb from the crossed position. After a frantic look around, finding nothing to defend himself with, and no exit other than the one directly behind Kuro, he stepped back, farther into the deep recesses of the cave, feeling the cooler air from beneath the Earth wafting around his ankles.

He shook his head mutely, searching for his voice, finally finding it hidden below his lungs. "No." He croaked. Another step back. "I just want to go back home, finish school, get a good job. Help people."

Kuro smiled wickedly, flowing to his feet and advancing in time with Mahiru's retreat. "Help people? What's the use in that? Everyone just makes a mess of their life and then cries in the end. Why not just bring the end they wish for much sooner? Surprises are always better than slow anticipation. Like a present~" He was naught but a foot away now, reaching out again, and Mahiru panicked, flubbing his step and almost falling. Kuro's eyes, so crescent-ed in mean delight, widened comically and seemingly without thought he flew forward, catching Mahiru easily, holding his above the ground, clutched securely to his chest.

Glancing up warily, Mahiru found crystal sky eyes staring right back at him, still open in surprise. Manners reared their ugly head, strengthened by reflex and he breathed a windy laugh. "T-thanks...."

Kuro didn't react for a moment, still just watching. After a heart stopping pause he released his hold and Mahiru tumbled down to his feet, unsteady and tipping a second time. As he caught himself, Kuro put his hands on his hips, frowning. 

"Why did I do that?"

"Do what?" Mahiru blurted out, still too off kilter from his fright to think better of it.

Without answering Kuro just shot him one more strange, questioning look before turning and sauntering to the far wall where Mahiru could now see there was a small chest of drawers. Propped lopsidedly on top of it was what appeared to be a full skeleton and he cut his eyes away in surprise. At the rummaging sounds now emanating from the far side, he took a deep breath, willing his heart to calm.

"What are you doing?" He asked, mentally throwing his hands up. Fuck it, right? What else could he do but keep this strange man talking?

"Packing!" Kuro exclaimed happily, tossing several small, withered looking husks over his shoulder. "I can't just leave everything here while I'm away."

"Er, sorry... while you're away?" Mahiru watched the objects hit the floor only to skitter away of their own accord and swallowed loudly. "Where are you going?"

Kuro turned, looking at him in amused perplexity. "You wanted to go home, didn't you?" Before Mahiru could answer he had darted back to his side, placing both hands on either sides of Mahiru's head and forcing it to tilt awkwardly. "Like I said, anything you want. But in exchange for just one-" he leaned forward, "little-" he pressed those glistening pearlescent fangs to Mahiru's flesh, "thing-" and bit down.

As the pressure exploded, traveling up through his veins and into his mind, Mahiru watched stars of light bloom across his vision, marveling at the warmth now filling his chest. It was a heady sensation, like hot chocolate laced with morphine and he almost fell, held up now only by Kuro's arms which had wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him in. He couldn't even find it in himself to be worried about the amount of blood Kuro seemed to be taking, too entranced by the fire in his mind. After a few moments, or what may have been eternity, Kuro threw his head back, eyes melting to a heavy red, glazed and unfocused, and Mahiru let his tensed muscles go lax, forehead thumping roughly against Kuro's chest.

Voice syrupy thick and filled with shining marvel, Kuro tightened his hold, squeezing Mahiru too tightly for the barest second. "And with that, I'm yours."

[astrologysvt]

Chart First Impressions: Seungcheol

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! Check out my masterlist to see all the readings I’ve done so far and what I’ve got coming up! 💫

This is just a very general reading of the member’s charts — the parts that popped out to me, things I personally liked, things I thought were interesting or contrary to the image I have of them. I’m not looking at anything in particular with each reading. Some of their readings may be more aspect focused, where some may just focus solely on their personal planets and their signs. If you have any questions on specific aspects or want to request a more specific reading, feel free to send me an ask! 

the leo king we don’t deserve

he exemplifies the best leo traits imo.

so sweet, so generous with affection.

i can go on for hours about how he’s such a great leo but i’ll save that for another time.

a leo sun with a cap moon is almost destined to achieve great things.

with the ambition and confidence of a leo mixed with the sense of purpose and responsibility of a cap, they are bound towards success even if it comes with great trial and error.

they also tend to not be aware of their talent, as cap influences usually give the native a sense of insecurity despite the competence they exude.

capricorn is a sign that brings stability, and the moon in and of itself is meant to be a turbulent influence on the chart.  

a capricorn moon can often times feel as though they are swimming against the current for this reason as they are constantly attempting to bring consistency to an aspect of their lives that’s meant to be dynamic.

they expect themselves to constantly be able to perform and they hold themselves to such a high standard that when emotions naturally arise or circumstances prevent them from doing so, they struggle to give themselves slack.

they quite literally cannot fathom that they can be affected in such a way.

and to give them credit, they have such a strength of character that most of the time they still end up doing the things they set out to do regardless.

but where they struggle and where their fears lie, is in the fear of letting others as well as themselves down. they are obsessed with seeing things to completion and simply can’t tolerate anything less, and often times this concept in and of itself is a heavy enough burden for them to carry.

where leo comes in in this combo is in ambition, passion, creativity, and charm.

how charming and naturally confident cheol is, in combination with his enduring cap moon, makes him that super capable leader we all know and love.

he’s got a lot of energy flowing to his mars in libra

his sun in leo, venus in leo, and jupter in sag are all flowing energy to his mars which makes him an extremely affectionate and passionate guy.

mars being in libra means he THRIVES being around people and sincerely loves being in an environment where he feels he’s contributing and bouncing off of people he loves and respects.

ultra honest, optimistic, and sincere and has absolutely no qualms in expressing his appreciation.

super energetic and honestly just enjoys life and people.

with that being said, his mars is squared his moon in cap which can play out in a couple of different ways.

(side note: can you believe all 95 line have this aspect).

this aspect means that everything mars touches is susceptible to the fluctuation of the moon.

generally speaking, this can give him a tendency towards explosive anger and general moodiness

in cheol’s case, it’s more than likely that the cap moon insecurity and his high expectations have a great influence on this aspect of him as well.

almost everything about his chart shows that he’s an all or nothing person. his leo placements are incredibly stubborn while his cap moon means he seldom gives up on his goals.

this can mean that, if things don’t pan out how he wants, the slump he experiences afterwards is significant.

it effects his vitality, his optimism, his passion, and this can be extremely draining and, as the aspect implies, can cause bouts of frustration and anger.

his leo and cap placements make him ultra obsessive so he tends not to let things go easily either, which can add to this feeling of “if this doesn’t work out then what else is there.” (tho that may be a bit too dramatic)

that’s just one way to look at it, and it’s highly dependent on his circumstances.

it’s important that he relies on people he loves, and learns to offer himself more understanding. he may struggle in realizing that the responsibility doesn’t solely lie on him and that he’s allowed to have set backs.

his saturn is super well aspected with the other outer planets.

this really solidifies the fact he’s capable of great things.

saturn sextile uranus makes him incredibly inventive, intelligent, inquisitive.

saturn sextile neptune makes him imaginative yet practical.

saturn trine pluto gives him such a strong sense of purpose, willpower, and determination. his resilience is unbelievable and he has the confidence to match.

all of these placements give him such great and grand ideas and he has the willpower and means of seeing them to fruition.

not only that, but with a saturn in pisces this gives him a very honest, sincere, emotional, and less than concrete way of expressing these traits (i.e. via art or even philosophy).

the pisces/neptune influence is strong which kind of turns his super stable and stubborn chart into one that’s much more impressionable.

it’s very interesting because his personal planets are super steadfast, super dedicated and determined, while he also has this very soft aura about him thanks to these outer influences and if you look at his chart they are almost completely separate (check out his chart in my chart masterlist)

they make two mirroring triangles and i imagine that’s what it feels like to him.

there is a bunch of different ways that this kind of “pattern” can play out in his chart but here is one way to look at it:

it’s a mixture of vital, active, and intellectual (personal planets) vs. soft, artsy, and spiritual (outer planets).

in his control vs out of his control

tangible vs intangible

it can feel like he has this very strong calling/sense of responsibility, and this can be overwhelming as there is this separation between what he feels he’s capable of vs. what’s expected of him.

this is also where i can imagine he may experience doubt as he has this sense of purpose but cannot fathom the willpower that’d actually take.

this is where i’m gonna stop with this interpretation because i’d really need to know him better to give a truly honest reading.

but i do think it’s incredibly interesting how, the softest part of his chart, lies in his saturn. he may feel he’s too weak willed (which he isn’t) thanks to this, or may feel as though he needs to stand his ground more than he’d naturally tend towards.

what’s interesting thoooooooo

is the only way that these two sections meet is via his mercury which is quincunx to his saturn, uranus, neptune, and semisextile his pluto.

it’s through mercury’s sense of communication and curiosity that he can bridge this gap and tap into this aspect of him that may feel is too illusive/unpredictable.

he’d also probably benefit and feel comfort being in environments and with people with strong gemini/virgo influences as well as potentially pisces placements.

generally environments where passions are shared, ideas are freely tossed around, that also give him a creative outlet.

and will you look at that, that sounds like svt

even seventeen as a group’s sign is literally gemini since they debuted on May 26th, so i dunno

it’s in the stars my dude.

[1thelonelywolf]

Is it alright if I ask you more questions for the writing ask? If so, could you answer 3, 7, 8, 17, 18, and 28?

Thanks for asking! Of course, you’re free to ask as many as you want! Here we go:

3.  Where do you write best?

      At my lowest. Kidding, that’s obviously not the right answer! Um, I don’t know, I guess anywhere as long as I feel comfortable enough. Once I was writing during gymnastic classes and the teacher gave me that weird look and said ‘’You wanna be a writer, huh?’’, I said ‘’Sure, yeah, it would be a dream come true.’’ and then she said: ‘’Alright then, good luck. Now get up, it’s not writing class.’’ and it was funnier than it sounds like! She is sweeter than that, I promise hahaha. In general, though, I’m used to writing on my laptop, so I guess on my desk?

7. Which character that you’ve written is most like yourself?

     Um, I guess Lyanna? Lyanna Lume is an OC of mine from the book I’m currently writing under the title ‘Of Duty Of Love’ (which I’m sure will change because I don’t like it that much). She’s a combination of what I dream to be like (she knows when is the right time to speak and when is not most of the times, a trait I NEED to gain and she becomes more responsible and mature during the story) and what I am (she never forgets and rarely forgives and she’s fighting with herself A LOT). In general, most of my OCs have plenty of my negative traits, because I like to keep them as realistic as possible and, to be honest, I view them as a kind of mirror to myself. Not always, though, of course. It’s just that through them, be it female or male, I get the chance to get more mature myself and learn important lessons, as crazy as that sounds.

8. Which character is your favorite to write?  Why?

    The one who seeks redemption or goes through enough shit to change. I love when there’s enough hurt to make me cry and hate and empathize the character all the same, for me it means I make a good job. 

When it comes to fanfiction, each character is unique in its own way, so I can’t really choose. I’d say, from what I  have tried to write, Arthur Pendragon is one of those. He’s a quite complex character, trying to leave his mark and yet being driven and influenced from his father to an almost terrible point. I love that in your story he’s obviously affected from him. It is really strange, though, in ‘Finding My Way Home’ to make him hate him. His need to be the exact opposite of him is a great challenge for him and something completely new for me to write, as in every fic I’ve read, he dreams to be like him. Which is of course normal, he was every role model to him, but you get my point. With Arthur you just have so many options, you can write him anyway you want and I think it will come out the exact wonderful way!

17. Is there a specific category or genre your writings generally fall into?  Which?

      Oh yes! Romance and angst and pain and smut - yes you read right hahaha- and eventually (in general) a happy ending! So yes, romance is my thing. I once wrote a crime short story, in which a young officer is asked to investigate a series of killing crimes. All crimes had one common thing: all victims here men of church. Yet I threw a little romance, just for the sake of it, because I couldn’t do without some love and teasing and you get what I mean hahaha

18. Would any characters from one of your works go well with your others?

     In general yes, but imagine Arthur from ‘Finding my way home’ meeting the Arthur from ‘Where’s my love?’. He would break him in two in a matter of seconds, just for breaking Morgana’s heart hahaha

     Also, I think Ralf, Lyanna’s husband (it’s not a spoiler, they have an arranged marriage) would get slightly annoyed with Roder, my OC from another one of my books ‘Love’s Howls’, because he would find him too obsessed with things he shouldn’t  and perhaps he would envy in some extent his upbringing. Also, he would have thought of him as immature in his early age, yet he would sympathize with him from the moment his story begins. Ralf’s upbringing was rough, his beloved -not- father was absent, too focused on his own madness and he was forced to grow too early in order to protect his little brother and offer him the father figure he hadn’t, while Roder’s was much more happier, as he was the youngest of the three ‘pups’ of his werewolf family.

28.  What’s your inspiration for writing?

       ANYTHING. And i literally mean anything. You might say a phrase which for some reason I’ll keep in mind and then I’ll make a story out of it. My dreams, also, are a great inspiration! They are very vivid, so the images, the feelings, the whole vibe is enough for me to create a story out from it.

Thank you once again for your asks, it was a lot of fun!

[grievingchild]

(i love you) (-and) 

(maybe i’m being conceited, narcissistic, self-obsessed) (nothing new) (and you’re not talking to or about me) (but--if you are)

(i reiterate- i love you- but)

would you ever really i mean really of left   him  for me    i watch each of us blanket ourself in the story that makes it easier   to sleep at night to pick up the phone   to say  hello to write each other letters  in the way  that girls write each other letters in the movies but they  are just friends  always just friends you know he knows   we are just friends  i hurt you too, i know i hurt you, too. i know i hurt you 200x, too. a 1,000x, too. a million.   i think you think i don’t think about it.   but it   hurt too. i will always dream of you, but it has always felt more real .., as that. as only that. because one time we got too close  and that time, perhaps i have twisted the  imagery in my head. but i thought you said no. no, not with words, but with  h im. and i don’t  resent you for that. i resent me. because he’s warm. he will always be warm. you have a hundred homes i watch  you   you have the forest, you have the sea, you have him   you have books,  magic   and you have  me. i know that that is true. and i know we can all only exist in the ways that we can all exist, simultaneously, in the ways that we are. and i just want you safe. i will only ever just want you to safe. and i am always an open mouth, wet, warm but i have daggers and you and i both know i will always have daggers, no matter how much sweetness is still left, rotting. and i know you’re one of the only ones who still believes in it, thinks you can still taste it. the sweetness you always find a way to dig me out of the rot. i think you trust me, but i’ve bit down too hard too many times,    oh you more than anyone. i know you love me more than anyone else has probably ever loved me, .. is Able to love me. and i worry so often it is wrong and i have killed you before. and maybe that’s why you keep the distance that you keep. because if you let yourself Love me in the way we are so prone to so often fall so deeply back into... maybe you fear the day you will look at me and no longer be able to Love me, because you know what loving me... Does to a person. I know, I know. we are boomerangs, you promise me. I know what we could of been, could you really think I don/t I would be lying if I said I didn’t still think about it, when you smile a certain way. the way you piece your words together and honor me by placing them in my hands, and only mine. When you tell me your dreams, when I think about what it feels like when you send me a song, just for me. to be someone’s diary, the way it felt how physical the cavern was when I was without you, shining lights around, every night where have I ended up what is now Missing? Empty. Empty. Empty. how remarkable how it was when you returned, the remarkable amount of space such a tiny fucking thing creates and radiates. and maybe that’s why I keep my distance. We lie without speaking , yet There is no honesty like yours but maybe you are right, “I am never ready.” “It’s never the right time.” I don’t remember saying this, but I’m sure I did if without words  right? was it you, or was it me? has it always been mutual? Is this a lie I tell myself to excuse everything? that I have been telling myself? we have fun until we dance too close? too close. metaphorically, symbolically literally.  I get scared and I bite. we cry & we hide. I hate hurting you, I do it anyways. do I? still? i don’t know that I know it  I am hurt, and when I am  I don’t tell you.you are braver than you know   i still get weird when I hear his name, but I love him, I do, I want to, I think I do because I love you, and you love him, and that makes me happy. I love him, I do. and he's a good person, no. he’s a great person. and I love him as a person, it sounds like I’m trying to convince myself, but I do. I do love him.. But there will always be a wound there, that is sopping, buried. Always. Always. Always. but it’s mostly covered now. But we still refrain from being in the same room with each other, it seems, or is it just me? maybe him, less so now, or it just me? because he knows he won,. And I know too. 

you shouldn't feel guilty. although I do. I never know what’s hurting you what’s hurting period. and if you weren’t talking about me, Well.

Now you know.

you remember when you told me you still wanted children? i wonder what you saw in my eyes

when you tell me how you’re gonna get married and move to Seattle like you always dreamed of

how evil it feels to feel the way that I do for someone I’ve spent 13 years with...  to be so happy, so happy, so happy, for you. To see you getting everything you have ever wanted

and to have it hurt. in my heart. because there are no more dreams.

or maybe the dreams are safer then? We can't have it all

i know i like things that are always just out of reach

bittersweet

it is so funny to hear you saying what I say to myself...... about us... mirrored. where does the truth lie in ruins?

We don’t drink together anymore because I don’t know how to not want to kiss you in the bathroom, and you don’t either. we never make it out of a night together alone, safely. There is always something left unsaid and never enough time. There is nobody who is as honest with me as you, + a mask, + a mask, + a mask. It terrifies me the image of you no longer facing me in my memories

We don’t drink together anymore because I’m not allowed to drink and if we don’t drink together and I see you, I will still, more than likely, feel everything that I always do, and I will have no excuse to fall back on, sober.

what happened?

i love u my little lion, 

always

I’m sorry that I couldn't just inhibit the void ghost space that I usually do and keep going and kept what I saw and hold it close to me, silently 

like I always do

pretend that I didn’t hear what I heard and felt what I feel

this isn’t the smart move

maybe i’m just being self destructive

can never quite tell the difference between self-love and self-harm

it’s always just been a dream, right? it never could of really been, right? I know we love to live in far away lands, and we chase them. I know I’m always in motion, how many times have we tried, right? How many times have we..... really... tried

I know you have. 

if only we could just stay there, forever a little longer, safe, in our heads

are we talking to each other or ourselves?

“It could have been so easy.  But it wouldn't have been right, would it? At least not now, everything is different, we are different. But sometimes it still hurts.”

never easy. I took too long. Never right, I took too long. At least not now..  Everything is different, we are different.  But sometimes it still hurts.