#they integrate into human society much better than any other angel or demon

[xanzilopterix]

I can't stop wondering if angels or demons would even kiss

Is that something they do?

I've seen people comment that the Aziraphale Crowley kiss looks kinda stiff and awkward but I think that makes it better

Neither of them have ever kissed before

It's a human thing to do

It just feels right that in a moment of pure emotion and desperation, Crowley would do something so human

A kiss that carries the weight of all the time they spent together on earth, not in heaven, not in hell, just the pair of them, on their own side

"when you're gone, remember us, remember how we could have been different"

[deanmarywinchester]

been thinking about that one ursula le guin quote about how science fiction is about killing things that are different from us, and how it relates to the fact that any kind of deviance isn’t tolerated in spn

like, obviously, it’s a monster-hunting show, and no matter how often they do their “monsters are people too” thing the writers were never quite willing to pull the trigger on making it no longer a monster-hunting show anymore

but more than straight-up-and-down monstrousness, anyone who has something weird about them either swiftly has that weird thing taken away or is killed off. some of that has a narrative purpose (ie: when Cas is overpowered so they depower him or try to kill him off, because an op character can wreck a story; or when they kill off one-off interesting characters because they don’t want to let every interesting concept change the entire direction of the show)

but some of it doesn’t have a narrative purpose: why can’t Sam still have demon blood powers? because it makes him weird. why is Kevin dead? he’s a prophet, he dropped out of college to hunt and can’t be easily reunited with the normal life he wanted; thus, weird. why is Benny back in purgatory? he’s a man out of time AND he drinks blood, therefore he can’t be integrated with normal society. why kill off sam’s kitsune friend, sam’s fellow demon child Magda, dean’s Amazon daughter? they’re weird! and they would challenge the story too much! even physical “difference” (in scare quotes bc of the way the writers handle it) isn’t tolerated—think of Bobby regaining the use of his legs just because the writers didn’t want to figure out how to write an (albeit semiretired) action hero who uses a wheelchair.

this is why I would bet money that the writers always meant to either kill off Jack or make him some kind of cosmic entity. he’s three but he looks like an adult, and is smart but still naive—so what does that mean for his life and developmental milestones? when is it not weird for him to date, to live on his own, to drink? obviously we can come up with answers for what his life would look like if he lived a human life on earth—maybe he lives with Cas for less than 18 years but more than only 3 until he feels himself to be an adult, maybe he never wants a relationship, maybe he lives a different kind of life outside of mainstream society but also out of hunting society. but im not sure the writers could or wanted to come up with ways for him to live his weird normal little life. they decided to take him out of the story by making him God instead and washing their hands of integrating him with life on earth.

this is also why im no longer laughing at posts that say dean’s death was bury your gays. there’s something unspeakable about dean that meant that he could never be happy on earth, or so the writers seem to think. is it the compulsive need for violence or the never-again-addressed love confession from a man? this is doubly interesting because dean is so often the one who punishes even the appearance of deviance in others—he’s the one unwilling to accept monsters as friends, he almost killed sam to get him off demon blood, he’s willing to trust angels more than demons even when he KNOWS angels are up to no good, etc.

it’s so pervasive throughout the entire narrative! and it’s one part facile writing, one part constraint of the monster-hunting genre they don’t want to break out of, one part writing choices that actually make sense if you don’t want to have a truly untenable number of characters/number of powered characters, several parts I think the writers just don’t want to tolerate weirdness. and they REALLY don’t want to evaluate what they consider weird and why.

obviously there’s a whole other conversation to be had about when the show demonstrates that whiteness intersects with lack of deviance and vice versa that makes it a show about defending white suburban america from a monstrous Other. other people have talked about it way better than I can—for example this is the post I’ve been thinking about today

[hamliet]

The Girl Who Gets to Have It All: Buffy Summers

So with @linkspooky​‘s encouragement, I have binged Buffy the Vampire Slayer and relived my childhood culture. And, it's a 10/10 for me. Not that it doesn't have flaws, but it's genuinely one of the best stories I've seen, with consistent character arcs, powerful themes, and a beautiful message. It's also like... purportedly about vampires and demons and superpowered chosen ones, but it's actually all about humanity.

Buffy was able to be a teenage girl, allowed to like the things teen girls are scorned for (boys, shopping, etc), to be insecure about the thing teenage girls are insecure about (future careers, dating, school, parents), and to be a superhero with its good and its bad aspects. The story wasn’t afraid to call Buffy on her flaws (sometimes she got in a very ‘I am the righteous chosen one’ mode) and to respect and honor each of her desires (to be a good person, to be loved, and more). The story listened to what she wanted and respected her desires, giving her the challenges needed to overcome her flaws while also never teaching her a lesson about wanting bad boys or romance is silly or any manner of dark warnings stories like to throw at teenage girls. 

It respected teenage girls--nerdy girls like Willow, jocks like Buffy, lonely wallflowers with trauma like Dawn, and popular/snobby ones like Cordelia, girls gone wild like Faith. It never once reduced them to the stereotypes that were lurking right there: each character was fully rounded, human, flawed and yet with respected interests and goals. This is so rare for a story that I’m still in awe. 

The story as a whole follows Buffy from 15 to 21, of her as she grows from teenager to adult. She acts like a teenager and grows to act like a young adult, wrestling with loneliness and duty. The adults, like Giles, Joyce, and Jenny, are not perfect either, but neither are they “bad parents” or “bad mentors” necessarily. Joyce in particular says something terrible to Buffy, but she tries to do better, and it’s rare to see a parent in YA stories shown with such nuance. Basically, it wrote the long-lasting adult characters as human beings, too. 

Speaking of growing up, I appreciated how Buffy’s love interests mirrored this. Angel was someone Buffy loved and admired, wanted to be like, but who was always either extreme good or extreme bad, and combined with Buffy’s own tendencies towards black-white thinking, made for a beautiful relationship to help her grow, but didn’t necessarily form a foundation for a long-term partner. Spike, on the other hand... they both saw each other at their worst and were drawn to each other even then, and were inspired to become better because they couldn’t bear to be a person who treated the other person so wrongly. They pushed each other to become the best them they could be, and believed in each other. Also, Spuffy is an enemies to lovers ship for the ages. 

(Also, most of the other ships were well-done or at least can be understood. Riley was very obviously wrong for Buffy which paralleled Harmony and Spike in being 100% wrong for each other. Cordelia and Xander were a fun ship even if we all knew it would never last, and Willow and Oz were beautiful and cute. But Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara? OTPs. As were Giles and Jenny, the librarian and the computer teacher.) 

That said, it’s not a perfect series. No story is. All of the characters and ships had problematic aspects to them worthy of critique, and the writing is very 90s in a lot of ways. It’s a product of its time, and in many ways it’s good society has progressed beyond some of the tropes/metaphors used in the show. In other way, though, the show was ahead of its time, and in a good way it wasn’t bound by the fear of purity policing with its takes on redemption (many characters would never fly today). 

So, in order of seasons ranked from my very favorite to my “still enjoyed it very much” (no season was actually bad, imo), here’s my review. I’ll also review my top 10 villains in the show, because Buffy does villains very well in terms of the redeemable and irredeemable.  

Season 7:  Yep, the final season was my favorite. 

Overall Opinion: Buffy's finale is literally "f*ck them men, our power is ours" and while it seems cheesy it actually works (also, f*ck in both a literal and figurative sense). The series strongly hit all the themes: love as strength, and redemption. Buffy consistently shows love as her strength--*all* kinds of love. Friendship w Willow/Xander, familial with Joyce/Dawn, romantic with Spike/Angel. These types of love are also never pitted against each other as is so often the case in current-day media. It's beautiful. Also, Spike’s confrontation with Wood was so powerful in terms of exploring forgiveness, redemption, and reconciliation: where they overlap and where they don't, and what it means to move forward. 

Unpopular Opinion: I have seen a lot didn’t like the inclusion of Potential Slayers, and while I agree they could have been better incorporated/characterized, it was a great way to show Buffy’s final stage of growing up to be ending her chosen one status and projecting/multiplying her powers over the world. 

Biggest Critique: Kennedy was female Riley--the anti-Tara to Riley’s anti-Angel (by ‘anti’ I mean opposite in every way). Kennedy was annoying and immature. Her role, like Riley’s, was less about exploring her as a character and more about her just being stamped as “love interest: lesbian.” 

Favorite Episodes: Beneath You, Lies My Parents Told Me, Touched, Chosen

Season 6: 

Overall Opinion: I said this on Twitter, but I felt like this was Buffy’s The Last Jedi or Empire Strikes Back moment. It is polarizing and dark, deconstructing the tropes it stands on--but by digging to the core of these tropes, it actually makes what’s good about them shine brighter. Everyone’s enemy was the worst versions of themselves. Giles left Buffy, Willow's struggle to relate to the world led to her trying to destroy it, Buffy hurt everyone through her anger, Xander abandoned Anya at the altar, Spike... yeah. It ages well as an integral part of the story, and the Trio were eerily prophetic. 

Unpopular Opinion: Dawn is a great character with a good arc. A traumatized teen acting out and struggling to come to terms with loss and identity? She wasn’t whiny; she was realistic. 

Biggest Critique: Willow’s addiction coding (I’ll discuss this below) and Seeing Red as an episode. I see the argument for both of its controversial scenes from a narrative perspective: Willow starts the season not grieving Buffy but instead being determined to fix it with magic and needs to learn to grieve, but. Still. Bury your gays is not a good look. For the Spike scene... he conflates sex/passion and violence (”love is blood, children” is something he said way back in season 3), but like Tara’s death, it had more to do with Spike (as Tara’s death did for Willow) than with Buffy’s arc, and as for the actual execution... they really botched that. Did it like... have to go on that long or go that far? No. Also, the framing was good, but inconsistent with the rest of the series (Xander to Buffy in the hyena episode, Faith to Xander and to Riley, etc.) 

Favorite Episodes: Once More With Feeling, Smashed, Grave

Season 3 (tied with Season 5):

Overall Opinion: The opening continuity of Buffy meeting Lily/Anne after saving her life in Season 2 was sweet. The Witchhunt episode had really powerful subtext: stories of deaths that aren’t even true are actually demons that possess the town and convince them to turn against their children in the name of protecting the children. It’s a good commentary on, oh, everything in society. Faith’s character arc was fantastic, and her chemistry with Buffy was off the charts (look, I may be Spuffy all the way, but Fuffy has rights). The finale was satisfying in so many ways, seeing the entire graduating class unite to destroy the Mayor and the school with it, symbolizing Buffy et al’s readiness to move on to college. Oz's relationship with Willow was very sweet and meaningful for a first romance for Willow. 

Unpopular Opinion: I actually don’t really have one. Maybe that the miracle in Amends was earned? I think you can make a decent case that Season 3 is the best written of the seasons, but can only truly be thematically appreciated to its full potential in the light of subsequent seasons (which finish Faith’s arc and deconstruct Buffy’s).  

Biggest Critique: It forgot Buffy killed the hyena guy in Season 1, making her continual insistence that she can’t kill people very ????? 

Favorite Episodes: Lovers Walk, Amends, Graduation Day Part 2 

Season 5, which ties with Season 3:

Overall Opinion: The entire season is about family and what it means, from Tara’s to Buffy’s to the Scoobies. I loved Glory aka Enoshima Junko as the Big Bad, I loved Dawn’s interesting meta commentary on retconning (like, the fact that she’s retconned in matters), and most of my ships are still alive. Joyce’s relationship with Spike is one of the most heartwarming aspects, and Spike’s arc’s desire is clearly highlighted: he wants to be seen as a person. The episodes after Joyce’s death are the most honest portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen, and absolutely brutal to watch. 

Unpopular Opinion: Buffy’s choice at the end seems a deliberate inversion of her choice at the end of Season 2 (sacrifice a loved one to save the world), but it actually isn’t: much like at the end of Season 2 where Buffy skips town because she’s devastated after killing Angel and doesn’t want to sort out being expelled, her mom knowing she’s the slayer, and her own trauma, Buffy’s sacrifice here was as much about her wanting the easy way out of relationships, family, college, etc. as it was about saving Dawn. Buffy’s death is coded as a suicide, which Season 6 emphasizes as well. 

Biggest Critique: Like Season 3, I don’t have a lot to critique here. I wish the suicidal coding had been a little more obvious in Season 5 itself, but also I’m not sure it could have been more obvious; it’s pretty apparent if you pay attention. Maybe also that Buffy and Riley’s relationship failing should have been more squarely blamed on Riley, you know, being insecure and cheating. 

Favorite Episodes: Family, Fool for Love, Intervention. 

Season 2:

Overall Opinion: Heartbreakingly tragic but exciting and revealing at the same time. It asked the viewer interesting questions about redemption and forgiveness and atonement through Angel being honest about his past, and then decided to show us his past now reenacted, challenging us. And still, we saw them save him in a parallel to saving Willow in Season 6 (but Season 2 was tragic because it wasn’t enough, while Season 6 was not). Jenny’s death was agonizing, and the scene were Angel watches Buffy, Willow, and Joyce get the news through the window was powerful. We didn’t have to hear them to get the grief. 

Unpopular Opinion: Jenny’s death isn’t a fridging; it works for her arc too when you consider her history. She worked to save the person whose life she was tasked to ruin, and it cost her her own--yet she still succeeded, because Jenny brought joy and wisdom to the show. Kendra’s death, on the other hand... was because they needed the stakes to be high--but we already knew that before she died. So, her death was useless. 

Biggest Critique: The subtext was Not It. It was essentially “do not have sex. Your older boyfriend will lose his soul, kill your friends, you’ll lose your family, your school, your home, and have to kill your true love or else hell will literally swallow earth.” 

Favorite Episodes: School Hard, Passion, Becoming Part 2.

Season 1:

Overall Opinion: I really liked it; it’s just lower on this list because the others are just better. It’s a great introduction to the series and to its characters, from Giles to Buffy to Willow to Jenny to Cordelia. It has great subtext a lot of the time (for example, Natalie French as She-Mantis is a literal predatory bug who engages in predatory behavior with students). Additionally, it subverts the typical YA trope of two guys and a girl, in which the girl is usually the least interesting character. Buffy and Willow were both fully fledged characters from the beginning with distinct strengths (even before Willow became a witch, as she wasn’t one in season 1 yet), while Xander was the more ordinary of the group. 

Unpopular Opinion/Biggest Critique: Xander’s arc showed its first flaws that unfortunately continued throughout the series: his writing was either very good or very indulgent in ways it never was for other characters.  (cough, the hyena episode, cough, in which he gets to skirt responsibility--and acknowledges that he is skirting it--for something the show will later hold others to account for). Xander’s just kind of inconsistent, which weakened his character over all. (Which is why both his love interests--Cordelia and then ultimately Anya--were good for him: they did not indulge him.) 

Favorite Episode: Witch, Nightmares. 

Season 4:

Overall Opinion: it’s still a good season. It’s a good portrayal of college and the growing pains of branching out, the strains of college growth on relationships (romantic and platonic). It shows us the first hints of Spuffy, giving us some serious Jungian symbolism between Spike and Buffy early on, and does well in establishing Xander/Anya and Willow/Tara as beautiful OTPs. Faith and Buffy’s foiling is fantastic. The Halloween episode was very fun as well. However, it suffers because its Big Bad, Adam, is not all that compelling thematically--yet, he could have been. See, the final battle pulls off the Power of Friendship in a really strong way but notably the season does not end there. Instead, it ends on dreams of each character’s worst fears, continuing what we saw in Nightmares in Season 1. Why? Because it shows us that the characters’ wars aren’t against monsters, but monsters of their own making: their flaws. Adam, as a literal Frankenstein, exemplifies this, but it wasn’t capitalized on as well as it could have been. 

Unpopular Opinion: Beer Bad isn’t a bad episode, at the very least because Buffy gets to punch Parker. It’s not one of the series’ best, obviously, but it does give Buffy an arc in that she gets her daydream of Parker begging her to come back, but she has overcome that desire and her desire for revenge. If we wanna talk about bad subtext in Season 4, Season 2′s Not It sex subtext continues in the Where the Wild Things Are episode in this season; it’s a powerful callout of abusive purity-culture churches, until the fact that the shame creates a literal curse undermines the progressive message it’s supposed to send. Also, the Thanksgiving episode (Pangs) is a nightmare of white guilt and Oh God Shut Up White People. 

Biggest Critique: Riley is awful. Like Kennedy, he had “love interest:normal” stamped on him and that was it. The thing is, he could have worked as an Angel foil, representative of the normal-life aspect of Buffy to Angel’s vampire/supernatural aspect, but the writers never explore this and seemed to even try to back away from that later on. They threw all the romantic cliches at the wall to see what sticks, from klutzy “I dropped my schoolbooks, that’s how we met” to cliché lines that had me rolling my eyes. Do you know how bad a romance has to be to make me dislike romantic tropes? 

Favorite Episodes: Fear Itself, Hush, Restless

Villain rankings: 

Dark Willow, the only villain to be truly sympathetic. While the addiction coding was insensitive and, while unsurprising for its time, aged extremely poorly. That said, Willow’s turn to the dark side after Tara’s death worked well for her character and the story: it was believable and paid off what had been building since Season 1's “Nightmares” episode (Willow’s inferiority complex). 

Glory managed to be genuinely terrifying, and humorous/enjoyable too. Her minions and their numerous nicknames for Glorificus were hilarious, as was her intense vanity. Her merging with Ben--a human being who genuinely wanted to be kind and good--added complexity and tragedy to her role. 

The First. A really good take on Satan. The seventh season as well as the First’s first appearance in season 3′s “Amends” had kind of blatant Christian symbolism, and so the First being essentially Satan works. Their disguising themselves as dead loved ones and the subtle manipulation they used to alienate people was really disturbing and well done. 

The Mayor, who was a terrible person but a truly good father. He provided an interesting contrast to the normal ‘bad dad’ bad guy character, in that he provided Faith exactly what the other characters refused to: he saw the best in her and offered her parental support, while the heroes didn’t and wound up pushing her away. 

The Trio, who were villains ahead of their time: whiny fanboy reddit dudebros, basically. The stakes seemed so much lower than fighting Glory, a literal god, the previous season. But that’s why they worked so well for Season 6′s human themes, and were especially disturbing because we all know people like them. I also appreciated the surprisingly sensitive takes on Jonathan and Andrew, who got to redeem themselves, but Warren did not, and I don’t think he should have either. 

Angelus + Drusilla. I’m ranking them below the Trio because Angelus was just sooooo different from Angel that it was difficult for me to feel the same way for him. He was still Angel, so it wasn’t possible to enjoy his villainy, but he also wasn’t nearly as sympathetic as Dark Willow, had no redeeming qualities like the Mayor, and wasn’t as disturbingly realistic as the Trio. However, the emotional stakes were excellently executed with him as the Big Bad, in that you were never quite sure how to feel and it just plain hurt. Also, Drusilla was a favorite recurring character. She was sympathetic and yet batsh*t enough to be enjoyable as a villain at the same time. 

The Master, who was just completely camp and really worked as an introductory villain. He was scary enough to believe he was a threat, and was funny enough to introduce the series’ humor as well. He was, like Glory, an enjoyable Big Bad. 

The Gentlemen, the one-off villains of Season 4′s Hush who were genuinely terrifying. It’s not as if they got a lot of explanation or any backstory, but they didn’t need it. 

Caleb, the misogynist priest. Fitting with the First’s Christian symbolism, Caleb serving as a spokesperson of all bad religious beliefs felt appropriate. He was also a good foil to Warren--being actually supernaturally powered instead of a wannabe--and to Tara’s family in being full-out evil. I despised him. 

Snyder. Okay Snyder is not a Big Bad like Adam is, but let’s face it: Adam is lame compared to the other villains. But Snyder as a principal? He was so irritating and yet really well used in the series to critique overly strict, hypocritical teachers. Like, we all know teachers like him. I loved to hate him, and his ending was so satisfying. 

[theshedding]

Lil Nas X: Country Music, Christianity & Reclaiming HELL

I don’t typically bother myself to follow what Lil Nas X is doing from day to day, or even month to month but I do know that his “Old Town Road” hit became one of the biggest selling/streamed records in Country Music Business history (by a Black Country & Queer artist). “Black” is key because for 75+ years Country music has unsuspiciously evolved into a solidly White-identified genre (despite mixed and Indian & Black roots). Regrettably, Country music is also widely known for anti-black, misogynoir, reliably homophobic (Trans isn’t really a conversation yet), Christian and Hard Right sentiments on the political spectrum. Some other day I will venture into more; there is a whole analysis dying to be done on this exclusive practice in the music industry with its implications on ‘access’ to equity and opportunity for both Black/POC’s and Whites artists/songwriters alike. More commentary on this rigid homogeneous field is needed and how it prohibits certain talent(s) for the sake of perpetuating homogeneity (e.g. “social determinants” of diversity & viable artistic careers). I’ll refrain from discussing that fully here, though suffice it to say that for those reasons X’s “Old Town Road” was monumental and vindicating. 

As for Lil Nas X, I’m not particularly a big fan of his music; but I see him, what he’s doing, his impact on music + culture and I celebrate him using these moments to affirm his Black, Queer self, and lifting up others. Believe it or not, even in the 2020′s, being “out” in the music business is still a costly choice. As an artist it remains much easier to just “play straight”. And despite appearances, the business (particularly Country) has been dragged kicking and screaming into developing, promoting and advancing openly-affirming LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 artists in the board room or on-stage. Though things are ‘better’ we have not yet arrived at a place of equity or opportunity for queer artists; for the road of music biz history is littered with stunted careers, bodies and limitations on artists who had no option but to follow conventional ways, fail or never be heard of in the first place. With few exceptions, record labels, radio and press/media have successfully used fear, intimidation, innuendo and coercion to dilute, downplay or erase any hint of queer identity from its performers. This was true even for obvious talents like Little Richard.

(Note: I’m particularly speaking of artists in this regard, not so much the hairstylists, make-up artists, PA’s, etc.)

_____

Which is why...in regard to Lil Nas X, whether you like, hate or love his music, the young brother is a trailblazer. His very existence protests (at least) decades of inequity, oppression and erasure. X aptly critiques a Neo-Christian Fascist Heteropatriarchy; not just in American society but throughout the Music Business and with Black people. That is no small deal. His unapologetic outness holds a mirror up to Christianity at-large, as an institution, theology and practice. The problem is they just don’t like what they see in that mirror.

In actuality, “Call Me By Your Name”, Lil Nas X’s new video, is a twist on classic mythology and religious memes that are less reprehensible or vulgar than the Biblical narratives most of us grew up on vís-a-vís indoctrinating smiles of Sunday school teachers and family prior to the “age of reason”. Think about the narratives blithely describing Satan’s friendly wager with God regarding Job (42:1-6); the horrific “prophecies” in St. John’s Book of Revelation (i.e. skies will rain fire, angels will spit swords, mankind will be forced to retreat into caves for shelter, and we will be harassed by at least three terrifying dragons and beasts. Angels will sound seven trumpets of warning, and later on, seven plagues will be dumped on the world), or Jesus’s own clarifying words of violent intent in Matthew (re: “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” 10:34). Whether literal or metaphor, these age old stories pale in comparison to a three minute allegorical rap video. Conservatives: say what you will, I’m pretty confident X doesn’t take himself as seriously as “The true and living God” from the book of Job.

A little known fact as it is, people have debunked the story and evolution of Satan and already offered compelling research showing [he] is more of a literary device than an actual entity or “spirit” (Spoiler: In the Bible, Satan does not take shape as an actual “bad” person until the New Testament). In fact, modern Christianity’s impression of the “Devil” is shaped by conflating Hellenized mythology with a literary tradition rooted in Dante’s Inferno and accompanying spooks and superstitions going back thousands of years. Whether Catholic, Protestant, Mormon, Scientologist, Atheist or Agnostic, we’ve spent a lifetime with these predominant icons and clichés. (Resource: Prof. Bart D. Erhman, “Heaven & Hell”).

So Here’s THE PROBLEM: The current level of fear and outrage is: 

(1) Unjust, imposing and irrational. 

(2) Disproportionate when taken into account a lifetime of harmful Christian propaganda, anti-gay preaching and political advocacy.

(3) Historically inaccurate concerning the existence of “Hell” and who should be scared of going there. 

Think I’m overreacting? 

Examples: 

Institutionalized Homophobia (rhetoric + policy)

Anti-Gay Ministers In Life And Death: Bishop Eddie Long And Rev. Bernice King

Black, gay and Christian, Marylanders struggle with Conflicts

Harlem pastor: 'Obama has released the homo demons on the black man'

Joel Olsteen: Homosexuality is “Not God’s Best”

Bishop Brandon Porter: Gays “Perverted & Lost...The Church of God in Christ Convocation appears like a ‘coming out party’ for members of the gay community.”

Kim Burrell: “That perverted homosexual spirit is a spirit of delusion & confusion and has deceived many men & women, and it has caused a strain on the body of Christ”

Falwell Suggests Gays to Blame for 9-11 Attacks

Pope Francis Blames The Devil For Sexual Abuse By Catholic Church

Pope Francis: Gay People Not Welcome in Clergy

Pope Francis Blames The Devil For Sexual Abuse By Catholic Church

The Pope and Gay People: Nothing’s Changed

The Catholic church silently lobbied against a suicide prevention hotline in the US because it included LGBT resources

Mormon church prohibits Children of LGBT parents to be baptized

Catholic Charity Ends Adoptions Rather Than Place Kid With Same-Sex Couple

I Was a Religious Zealot That Hurt People-Coming Out as Gay: A Former Conversion Therapy Leader Is Apologizing to the LGBTQ Community

The above short list chronicles a consistent, literal, demonization of LGBTQ people, contempt for their gender presentation, objectification of their bodies/sexuality and a coordinated pollution of media and culture over the last 50+ years by clergy since integration and Civil Rights legislation. Basically terrorism. Popes, Bishops, Pastors, Evangelists, Politicians, Television hosts, US Presidents, Camp Leaders, Teachers, Singers & Entertainers, Coaches, Athletes and Christians of all types all around the world have confused and confounded these issues, suppressed dissent, and confidently lied about LGBT people-including fellow Queer Christians with impunity for generations (i.e. “thou shall not bear false witness against they neighbor” Ex. 23:1-3). Christian majority viewpoints about “laws” and “nature” have run the table in discussions about LGBTQ people in society-so much that we collectively must first consider their religious views in all discussions and the specter of Christian approval -at best or Christian condescension -at worst. That is Christian (and straight) privilege. People are tired of this undue deference to religious opinions. 

That is what is so deliciously bothersome about Lil Nas X being loud, proud and “in your face” about his sexuality. If for just a moment, he not only disrupts the American hetero-patriarchy but specifically the Black hetero-patriarchy, the so-called “Black Church Industrial Complex”, Neo-Christian Fascism and a mostly uneducated (and/or miseducated) public concerning Ancient Near East and European history, superstitions-and (by extension) White Supremacy. To round up: people are losing their minds because the victim decided to speak out against his victimizer. 

Additionally, on some level I believe people are mad at him being just twenty years old, out and FREE as a self-assured, affirming & affirmed QUEER Black male entertainer with money and fame in the PRIME of his life. We’ve never, or rarely, seen that before in a Black man in the music business and popular culture. But that’s just too bad for them. With my own eyes I’ve watched straight people, friends, Christians, enjoy their sexuality from their elementary youth to adolescence, up and through college and later marriages, often times independently of their spouses (repeatedly). Meanwhile Queer/Gay/SGL/LGBTQ people are expected to put their lives on hold while the ‘blessed’ straight people run around exploring premarital/post-marital/extra-marital sex, love and affection, unbound & un-convicted by their “sin” or God...only to proudly rebrand themselves later in life as a good, moral “wholesome Christian” via the ‘sacred’ institution of marriage with no questions asked. 

Inequality defined.

For Lil Nas X, everything about the society we've created for him in the last 100+ years (re: links above) has explicitly been designed for his life not to be his own. According to these and other Christians (see above), his identity is essentially supposed to be an endless rat fuck of internal confusion, suicide-ideation, depression, long-suffering, faux masculinity, heterosexism, groveling towards heaven, respectability politics, failed prayer and supplication to a heteronormative earthly and celestial hierarchy unbothered in affording LGBT people like him a healthy, sane human development. It’s almost as if the Conservative establishment (Black included) needs Lil Nas X to be like others before him: “private”, mysteriously single, suicidal, suspiciously straight or worse, dead of HIV/AIDS ...anything but driving down the street enjoying his youth as a Black Queer artist and man. So they mad about that?

Well those days are over.  

-Rogiérs is a writer, international recording artist, performer and indie label manager with 25+ years in the music industry. He also directs Black Nonbelievers of DC, a non-profit org affiliated with the AHA supporting Black skeptics, Atheists, Agnostics & Humanists. He holds a B.A. in Music Business & Mgmt and a M.A. in Global Entertainment & Music Business from Berklee College of Music and Berklee Valencia, Spain. www.FibbyMusic.net Twitter/IG: @Rogiers1

[goldtinged]

                         EMMA CARSTAIRS  //  A  CRASH  COURSE

            ❝  kit  thought  about  emma  with  her  sword,  emma  saving  his  life.                  emma  hugging  cristina  and  looking  at  julian  like  he  hung  the  moon  ❞

CONTEXT

emma cordelia carstairs is a character appearing within cassandra clare’s shadowhunter universe. she is a shadowhunter (half angel, half human warriors mandated to protect the world from demons)

she appears as the central character in THE DARK ARTIFICES, a trilogy published in 2016. 

She also appears in THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS, specifically as a side character in city of heavenly fire (book 6). she is 12 years old during the events of the original trilogy

If you’ve seen shadowhunters  TV - she does not appear in the show but some people related to her do. JEM CARSTAIRS (aka brother zachariah) is her uncle and HELEN BLACKTHORN is the sister of her parabatai, Julian. 

CONTEXT PT 2: IMPORTANT EVENTS / TERMS

the dark war: civil war between shadowhunter factions which led to the destruction of large swarths of shadowhunter society and the death of family families. Emma’s parents (supposedly) died in the dark war. evil side is led by Jonathan Morgenstern. This shit is basically based off of Harry Potter so just think deathly hallows adkakd

the endarkened: shadowhunter’s who were turned from angelic to demonic, and became part of Jonathan’s army. Some did so by choice, others by force. 

the clave: shadowhunter government, whose seat is in Idris. Idris is the shadowhunter capital, a small city hidden somewhere between france and germany that cannot be accessed by non-shadowhunters. all the good characters hate the clave (and rightly so)

downworlders: name givern to non shadowhunters. eg, werewolves, vampires, warlocks fae ect. 

the cold peace: a policy enacted by the clave at the end of the dark war, that punished faerie’s for supporting Jonathan Morgenstern. Leads to the exile of shadowhunters with fae heritage, regardless of their allegiance during the war. it makes interacting with faerie’s illegal.  basically any character who is decent fucking hates this policy

parabatai: soldiers who take a vow to become twinned and fight side by side until death.  After the vow they are bound together magically for life. It is physically painful to be apart from one another, and the pain of losing a parabatai is considered to be unendurable. They are closer than siblings, and fairly rare within the shadowhunter world.  it is illegal for them to fall in love and doing so is punishable under the strongest laws. eg, stripping of runes and exile

BASICS:

Emma was born in 1995. Her parents are John and Cordelia Carstairs. She emigrated to Los Angeles at the beginning of the Dark War as her parents wanted to help assist the Shadowhunter’s they knew there. 

She was raised alongside The Blackthorn family, training at the institute they run. Her childhood best friend is Julian Blackthorn. 

Emma is a skilled shadowhunter, regarded by some to be the best of her generation, and the successor to Jace Herondale of the title. 

She is the current owner of Cortana, a shortsword held within the Carstairs family, forged by Wayland the Smith, it is said to be one of the great swords and therefore is her most valued possession

SKILLS + ATTRIBUTES + RANDOM CHARACTERISATIONS:

extremely dedicated and driven. is considered the best not because of her raw talent but because of how hard she trains. considers the same for herself, she cares most about being good so that when the time comes to enact revenge for her parents she will be successful

distant within the blackthorn family: although she grew up with them, and they consider her their extra sister, emma does not feel comfortable within the family. partially because she misses her own, partially because she believes they don’t consider her family. always refers to them as “julian’s family” “julian’s siblings”. realises by the end of the series she is integral to the blackthorns and how much she loves them / allows herself to be loved by them

funny and blunt: she is sarcastic, both as a means of deflecting attention but also because it’s her sense of humour. she is extremely blunt, bad at lying, and will pretty much always just say what she thinks. not one to maintain relationships she doesn’t value

she is confident and outspoken, especially in terms of her sexuality

skill with music is a family trait but emma can’t play the violin for shit which makes her feel bad. 

FAMILY:

Her biological family: John and Cordelia Carstairs (parents, deceased), James Carstairs (uncle), Mina Carstairs (cousin)

Her adopted family: The Blackthorns

consisting of;

Mark and Helen Blackthorn: the eldest Blackthorn siblings, half siblings to the rest. They are both half faerie, half shadowhunter. Both are exiled at the end of the Dark War as part of The Cold Peace (a policy to punish all fae for the involvement of faerie in working against Shadowhunters)

Julian Blackthorn: the eldest sibling living in the family home during the war. He is Emma’s parabatai

Ty and Livvy Blackthorn: twins, two years younger than Julian. 

Dru Blackthorn: the youngest girl, four years younger than Emma and Julian

Tavvy Blackthorn: the baby of the family

OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS:

Cristina Rosales: Emma’s best friend, who is on a trip to LA from Mexico during the event of the series (international postings are part of shadowhunter training)

Jem Carstairs: her uncle and the only living Carstairs left beside herself (until his daughter Mina is born). 

Tessa Gray: a powerful warlock, Jem’s wife

Clary Fairchild: also her best friend and a mentor. Clary helped her and Julian after the war

Jace Herondale: her mentor and someone she admires

Kit Herondale: Comes to live with the family during the events of the book. He and Emma relate to feeling both family to and separated from The Blackthorns.  Sidenote, kit is a legend and I love him

Cameron Ashdown: Emma’s on and off again boyfriend

Diana Wrayburn: tutor at the institute, only person in the series with braincells. 

CRASH COURSE OF THE EVENTS OF THE SERIES

CITY OF HEAVENLY FIRE + THE NOVELLAS //

emma and julian become parabatai, so that emma isn’t sent to the shadowhunter academy (school for war orphans lol)

We could—” he started, then stopped, swallowed, and started again. “We could become parabatai.” He said it shyly, half-turning his face away from her, so that the shadows partially hid his expression. “Then they couldn’t separate us,” he added. “Not ever.” Emma felt her heart turn over. “Jules, being parabatai is a big deal,” she said. “It’s—it’s forever.” He looked at her, his face open and guileless. There was no trickery in Jules, no darkness. “Aren’t we forever?” he asked  

julian kills his father in the dark war after he is endarkened, to protect his siblings. the clave puts him through a gruelling trial that turns both emma and julian against the clave, embedding a deep seed of resentment and mistrust that fuels a lot of their actions through the rest of the series

julian’s uncle takes over the institute but unknown to everyone, he’s mentally unable to manage it. julian starts running the institute age 12, in secret, so that his family can stay together. emma does not know about this

LADY MIDNIGHT //

emma discovers the body of faerie children, murdered in the same way as her parents were. She always suspected her parents weren’t killed in the war, but killed under the cover of the war. she begins to investigate the murders, and hopes she can enact the revenge she has dreamed of fulfilling

meanwhile, a faerie contingent who have also heard about the murders ask for emma’s help solving them. Because this is illegal, they offer to return Mark Blackthorn to the family in exchange for the shadowhunters help

meanwhile meanwhile, emma and julian realise they are in love and they fuck, even though that is ALSO illegal because parabatai cannot fall in love with each other (though no one knows why). their powers start to change as their feelings for eachother grow

emma solves her parents murder. she kills the person who killed them but realises she gets no satisfaction from it. too late realises she’s based her whole life around getting revenge and now she has nothing

emma talks to jem about the parabatai law and finds out it’s illegal because there is a curse that becomes active when parabatai fall in love. emma thinks the reason her and julian’s powers are changing is because the curse is starting

she receives some frankly terrible advice from tessa and decides to make julian fall out of love with her by breaking his heart

does so by telling him she’s dating his brother, mark

asks mark to fake the relationship, mark in turn offers they just date for real, which she goes for. END BOOK

LORD OF SHADOWS //

emma and mark are dating but it’s fallen back into fake dating because they realise they’re better friends and, mark is in a love triangle between his ex fairy boyfriend and cristina

eventually when emma is sure julian sufficiently resents her they stage a massive break-up

this is a whole ass book of emma and julian angst,,,,, and it’s delicious

julian finds out about the curse and why emma lied and he’s mad, but also, he can’t fully be mad because the curse is deFINITELY WORKING NOW

back to the actual plot: a group of pro cold war supported with extreme anti-downworld takes (they are legit just fantasy fascists) start to rise to power within the clave. honestly there is way more actual plot but it’s not relevant to this blog or emma’s characterisation so moving on

back to emma and julian: they come up with a plan to deal with the curse. emma will beg the inquisitor to exile her but not strip her runes in exchange for them not telling everyone paratabai are cursed which he agrees to

UNTIL ..... the cohort initiate violence during a clave trial and the inquisitor is killed. so is julian’s little sister, livvy. END BOOK

QUEEN OF AIR AND DARKNESS //

i hate this book so there’s that

the leader of the cohort is made inquisitor and starts enacting shitty policies

julian is worried about the curse and how it’s starting to affect him so he just goes and gets all his emotions removed and so he feels nothing for anyone

ty spends the book bullying kit into helping him bring livvy back from the dead (AND IT WORKS LOL)

800 pages of bullshit I don’t have time to get into

the curse comes to fruition, turning emma and julian into giant nephilim with great powers but no feelings (think like, aang in the avatar state) they basically nearly kill everyone but then their family saves them

conveniently, the heavenly fire burns off their parabatai runes thus solving their problem

the cohort take control of the capital in protest of alec lightwood getting made inquisitor. all the shadowhunters who aren’t weirdos abandon the city

helen blackthorn is allowed to return and she decides to take over running the institute, freeing julian from his obligation

emma and julian decide to go travelling the world and the series ends

EMMA + JULIAN:

they are a MESS but I love them. 

essentially, they know each other better than anyone. emma understands the pressure julian is under, the weight on his shoulders, his insecurities but also his strengths. julian see’s how emma puts on a facade of strength, gives her a safe space to be vulnerable, and provides a haven of unconditional love

used to sleep in the same bed as kids to help with nightmares, developed a system of communication only they understand, tell eachother everything (until lady midnight anyway)

emma understands how much of his life revolves around his family because hers does too

“you don’t have to do this for me” emma was saying, softly but earnestly, in a voice cristina had never heard her use before“I think I do” julian said “I think I  remember making a vow to that effect”“whither thou goest, I will go, whatever stupid thing you do, I will also do? was that the vow”

I LOVE THEM!!

best friends to lovers EXCELLENCE

THIS is the biggest crash course ever and I hope it makes sense. It’s hard to condense so much information not only from the books (and each is like 800 pages) but also from the entire world and lore. But I hope this helps somewhat and I’m always willing to answer questions for anyone who has any. 

[obaby-me]

🌟❤️💎 👀

When your OC loses all hope, who do they turn to first? What helps make them feel better? What calms them down and reassures them? Why?

Adam used to the one Eve would always turn to when times were tough.  Together they faced the hardships after their exile from Eden, had children, lived an entire lifetime together.

However, when Eve was cast into the Devildom, separated from Adam, she had no one to turn to.  Instead she had to find a focus in something, anything, to keep her busy, as she slowly integrated herself into the Devildom society—a difficulty as a stranger compounded with the fact that she was a human (albeit an immortal one).  She turned to reading and to gardening, eventually able to open up shop and gain a bit of reputation in her goods.

 What would your OC’s ideal lover be like? Appearance, personality, voice? Would their family approve or would it be civil war?

Her idea lover before her fall was simply Adam.  They were made for each other, quite literally, and she thought of him as her entire world.

However, since being cast out and down to Devildom, she is no longer certain that Adam is “ideal.” But now Adam was no longer with her—no longer loved her, wanted her.  She was literally created as a perfect match for someone—only to find out she still wasn’t enough.  It’s broken her heart in a way that still has yet to repair in the lifetimes since her fall.

She wants is someone who has a love of adventure, and is okay with breaking a rule or two.  Eve’s “sin” consists of two parts:  a curiosity that is insatiable and obsessive, and a difficulty with rules, regulations, and orders.

What she needs is someone with patience and someone who is willing to go the extra mile to reach out to her because she’s far too terrified to do so herself.  She doesn’t think she can be loved, and she needs the extra assurances to be proven wrong.

And though she’ll never, ever admit it, someone who might keep her ass in a line sometimes, or help her out of the shit she gets herself into.  Her inability to comply with commands (due to her sin) sometimes result in trouble such as torture by demons and a painful regeneration period.

As for a family rejection—Eve has no family in the Devildom, and she considers she and Adam as separated—considering she hasn’t heard from him in millennia.

 Does your OC collect anything? Is there a reason? When did they start and is it beginning to turn into a little bit of a hoarding issue? What do they do with their collection?

Eve collects flora. It’s a love she had when she was in the Garden of Eden.  It was a job she excelled at when she lived in the human realm and had to farm to survive. There’s a sense of nostalgia and a sense of identity in continuing to grow plants down in the Devildom, even if the plant life isn’t the same.

She does have a bit of hoarding problem.  She has a live specimen of almost every flower, herb, shrubbery, tree, and even weeds, throughout the Devildom.  On top of which, she makes various trades with angels and witches to receive specimens from the Celestial and Human realms (though she has very, very few).  She houses them in a massive greenhouse that doubles as her home, known as Garden of Eve, with specialty bulbs and rooms available for different climates.

She grows and sells many herbs, spices, and clippings of plants that start to overgrow.

 Describe your OC through the eyes of another person! (bonus + specify who)

Eve is curious in every sense of the world.

Eve is always full of questions, it’s practically endless.  Once a conversation is started with her, it’s impossible to get it to stop. But despite how distracting she can be from his reading and his studies, Satan enjoys her company.  Her inquisitive nature appeals to him, it mirrors his own in a way.

She is more hands on than him, however.  Where he likes to read of places, she likes to tour them.  Where he likes to read of relics, she likes to visit them in museums and if possible, venture into their dig sites.  She invites him every time, offering him a chance to experience what he reads.

"Like a date?" He teases.

She always responds with a laugh like it’s a joke.  She never says yes, but she also never says no.  

She is kind, a doting sort, almost annoyingly so.  Constant questions about how much he’s eaten, what he’s eaten, how much he’s had to drink, whether he slept well.  He would have chocked it up to the compulsion of her sin but sometimes she says instead, “I don’t get to see ya if ya ain’t healthy and hale,” and he’s never sure what to make of it.

She can be trouble, but that makes her fun (especially when she got under Lucifer’s skin.)  Satan enjoys having her along with his pranks—she’s always down for a good time.  She is a terrible enabler in that way.

Though, he wishes she was a little less so when it came to Mammon.  She was always getting caught up with him and his troubles.  Eve was always keeping an eye out for a quick buck.  She was not desperate for cash the way Mammon was, who is always buried under debts due to constant spending sprees.  Satan had little idea why she needed the money.  He’d ask and she’d deflect.

And that was pretty standard for her.  Personal topics beyond the superficial were off-limits.  She could deflect any questions with a distracting, meandering story, or with a question in return or by simply giving the cold shoulder.  He had yet to see her lose her temper, but he’s seen her dance on the edge.  The glint in her eyes cutting.  He was always afraid if he pushed her over it, that she might never come to sit and read and speak with him again.

She is brimming with questions about the world, but is many questions herself.

[lizord-lord]

Hey Break, can I ask what a Wraith is?

(oh you can, but bold of you to assume you aren’t going to get way more than you asked for fhdgfhds)

                                             Demon Classes

There are six separate classes of demons- not to be confused with demon variants, of which there are far more. These classes determine a demon’s rough placement (social status) in hell, while species are more focused on a demon’s individual abilities and tendencies.

Noble

Noble-class demons are the most mentally and physically stable, along with the most powerful of the demons. They tend to have an entirely humanoid shape, aside from a few more demonic features such as horns, tails, scales, hooves, oddly colored eyes, or other things. Only the Princes (and the Fallen) possess wings. Noble-class demons tend to stick around Hell and leave only for entertainment, along with ruling over small sections of Hell and having several lesser demons to serve them.

Upper

Upper-class demons are the class of demons most often seen by humans. They’re marginally less stable than nobles, often sporting extra arms, and while they hold little power over other demons, they are not usually forced into servitude by Nobles. Uppers are also about as clever as a noble, though they have little magical influence over humans and must rely on words and persuasion alone.

Lower

Lower-class demons are most of Hell’s servants. They tend towards more animalistic features, the owl-like, goat-like, or lion-like demons often depicted in human religious texts. They are more spontaneous and quick to act than the Upper-class and Noble-class, and not unintelligent- but they are easy to control and manipulate if you know the right things to say and do, and are very susceptible to the magic of higher demons.

Beast

Beast-class (or bestial) demons are what they sound like- demonic animals. I place them here in the ranking not out of their social status (as they are simply animals) but out of power level, as though they may be barely more intelligent than the average Earth animal, they hold about as much power as a Lower-class demon. However, this power combined with their brutish intelligence makes them very dangerous. Upper-class and Nobles often keep them as pets, and other demons will release them onto Earth for fun.

Goblin

Goblins are small demons with little magical ability other than the basics (glamor, though it is mostly restricted to animal shapes) a general aura of chaos that affects the minds of Earthly creatures, and endurance/strength more powerful than that of a human. They are intelligent, though they do not seem more advanced than a human child, but they are extremely hard to kill. However, Goblin-class and below are the only demons that can in fact be permanently killed by other demons.

Gremlin

Gremlins are very similar to Goblins, except they are far more uniform. Any demon below three feet tall is a gremlin-class, and they are often reptillian humanoids with large hands, feet, and ears. They also possess a caveman-level intelligence, often found running around the Scrapper Plains, killing for food or sport. They have no built homes and instead huddle in caves or nests. They also have almost no magic to speak of- meaning that they are unable to siphon energy from Hell’s aura, and need physical sustenance along with sleep.

“Fallen Angels”

The Exiled have not been allowed to fully integrate into Hell’s society. The demons (obviously) do not trust them, and even the most powerful of the Exiled have never made it past the circle of Hell referred to as the Shacks. (A residential circle mostly full of Goblins and the lowest of the Lower-class). They are still not demon enough to gain the ability to regenerate either- and most have ended up residing permanently on Earth.

“Wraiths”

Wraiths are not actually demons, but they are residents of Hell, so they must be listed in some way. A Wraith is the most..kind term for the Souls of the Damned. The Fraternisers. The Dealmakers- the Contracted, the Soulless.

They are what is left of dead humans who have sold their souls to a demon. They are almost completely under the control of their demonic master, and can only obtain a spectral, incorporeal form unless allowed to become solid (and in some cases just visible) but said master. Some are treated better than others, but for the most part they are essentially slaves, or playthings for a bored master. There is the rare Wraith that is a friend- a contract made so the two can stay together after the human passes, but these are the rarest of the rare cases.

A Wraith (unless allowed) is unable to interact with any other Wraiths or demons other than their master.

~E

(I’m going to put the taglist on here since it IS lore)

@whatwashernameagain, @ajdraws0430, @royallyanxious, @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2, @a-lexicon-of-words, @theincediblesulk, @supremestoverlord, @em-be-lievable @adoratato @wildheart49  @patton-croc-agenda, @why-things-go-boom, @rosesisupposes, @impatentpending, @jynxlovesluck @starbucks-remy​

[ill-skillsgard]

Dirty Demons, Part 4 - Axel Cluney/Zeitgeist

Title: Dirty Demons

Description: It's nice to have a companion on the road to total self-destruction - a continuation of Sweet Demons

Warning: 18+ for sex/language/violence/drugs/kinks of all sorts etc.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

A sharp gasp left my throat when I felt the pad of Axel's thumb press against the opening that he wasn't already stuffing his cock into. He had woken me up ten minutes earlier with two fingers on my clit and his lips at my neck, whispering for me to wake up because he wanted to play. In my tired state, I rolled away from him but he pulled me back and slipped his middle finger inside of me, jolting the sleepiness right out of me. "Axe," I grumbled. "Angel," he mirrored my tone. "What are you doing?" "I need inside of you. Please?" I only replied with another grumble so he pressed his hardness against me and seethed like a salted wound, purring against my neck in that nymphomaniacal way that I was slowly beginning to accept as an integral part of what made Axel, Axel. "Is this how I'm going to wake up every morning? With your cock and fingers halfway inside of me?" "Please, Momma. Your little boy is so hard for you. Been thinking about that pussy since the moment I woke up. Mmm, want inside so bad." "Oh my god," I whispered, feeling the desirous effect of his words prickling all over my body. "Yeah?" He undulated his finger inside of me strategically until I had no choice but to part my legs. "Oh, I can feel just how wet Mommy's sweet pussy is for me. It's getting all over my fingers. So fucking creamy and warm." "Axel," I groaned again. "Get on me, baby. Ride my fucking cock. I've been a good boy. Please?" "I don't think you've been very good at all," I pointed out, chuckling softly as my eyes adjusted to the sunlight coming through the water-spotted windows. "Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah, I've been real bad. Really, really bad. I think you should punish me. Make me hurt," his whispers in my ear grew desperate and I couldn't deny that every indecent word that left his mouth served to arouse me more. I don't know what it was about him that got off so much on being objectified, but once he had me climbing on top of him to ride his cock, I could see the pleasure already burning deep inside of him. His laggard eyes lit up when I mounted him and he rose up on his elbows as he bucked his hips upward, causing me to teeter for a moment until I stilled myself with my palms on his tattooed chest. Axel gripped my right wrist and replaced my hand from his pectoral muscle to his throat. "Come on, Mommy. Fuck me up. Fucking choke me out while you work my nasty cock. Please... I deserve it." The more Axel begged, the more inclined I was to give him what he wanted. It delighted me that he could go from King Asshole to needing to be reduced to nothing but a pole for me to bounce on. I almost forgot how deep and never-ending his sexual appetite was and the days he wanted to feel small and humiliated were nearly equal to the ones that he wanted to feel powerful and dominating. I loved that about him. On the surface, he looked a one-dimensional character to most, but I knew better. Axel had many facets to him, some unpolished and rougher than others but those were the sides that I liked to uncover. There was a soft ore inside of him that nobody else was able to unearth; a nugget of vulnerability that spoke of a need to be loved, accepted and guided. Axel was more than just a danger, more than a simple outlaw. He was also a boy that had slipped through the fingers of society and missed the opportunity to be cherished and nurtured. I think that's why I adored him so. Despite his coarseness, he was only a human reaching out for acceptance. But he was also perverted and completely insatiable when it came to his sexual desires and when he tried to prod me from behind I gasped and turned back to see that evil smirk adorning his face. He snatched his hand away as though he had just been caught stealing cookies and instigated my reaction by smiling precariously. "What? Mommy doesn't like when I touch her pretty little asshole?" "Keep your dirty boy hands where I can see them," I growled. Axel sat up and pulled air through his teeth as his arms wrapped around me,  hands cupping and squeezing my breasts. "Let me. Please, Mommy? Wanna touch. Wanna fill every fucking hole you have." His hand then wrapped neatly around my throat, regaining his dominance as he continued to fuck me from behind. "God, I want to fuck that ass," he flared, breath hot on my shoulder. "You're bad," I breathed. He rocked his hips up harshly for a few strokes. "I know. I know I'm bad. I'm so. Fucking. Disgusting." I fell forward onto my hands and made him watch as his wet cock pulled out of me. Crawling away, I let him watch me from behind and when I got up to stand at the edge of the bed, I could see the look of pure lust and wonderment on his face. "What are you gonna do to me, Momma?" He begged my answer. "Come here, naughty boy," I pointed at the edge of the bed until he got up and crawled toward it. Even as he knelt in front of me on the bed, we were at equal height and it was difficult to conjure up the confidence it took to degrade him when he could so easily pin me down and do what he wanted with me. With a lick of his lips, he shimmied as close to the edge as possible, nipped at my bottom lip and snaked his arms around me to constrict me from going anywhere. His strength was unbeatable and when he pried and tried to spread me apart again I tried to push away from him, earning a low growl from the inside of him that sounded like a kettle just beginning to boil. Sometimes I forgot what he was capable of doing and at that moment, I forgot about fucking him and let the memories of a past Axel surface. Even as he kissed me, I felt the distraction pull me out of the moment. He had come close to killing Braun when we had first met, back when I had no idea the affliction that laid dormant inside of him. I couldn't help but think that at any moment, he could do the same to me. "Fine, fine," he murmured when my hips retracted. "I'll stay away for now. But, one day." "One day?" "I'm going to need an all-access pass," he wiggled his eyebrows. With a light slap on the chest, I attempted to dash his hopes of ever being able to penetrate me anally. He giggled mischievously and resumed kissing me, forgetting about his request in favour of dropping his attention to my tits which he scooped up and fondled before closing his lips around one nipple and then the other. His cock still hung between us and I could feel the precum dabbing me when I came up close. Axel pulled his lips from my nipple and stared down at his neglection. When he sat back again, his hand travelled down to encircle his shaft, giving himself a few pumps to restore himself to full solidity. In the morning light, his pale body looked appetizing and I couldn't withhold my hunger. We gorged ourselves on each other, kissing, licking, biting and moaning as we took turns wrestling for dominance. Axel made me slap him across the face a few times and each blow that landed, I felt his dick twitch inside of me and revelled in the purrs that escaped his mouth. But neither of us were destined to reach a climax that morning. The hour that we spent fucking each other ruthlessly was wasted after Axel started taking me from behind again. As he pulled back to spank me, I winced in anticipation of the clout that never came. "What the fuck! Hey!" He yelled. He pulled out of me abruptly and stomped over to the window, ducking down to peer through it while covering himself with one hand. The trailer swayed with the motion and I was left confused for a moment until I realized what had torn Axel's attention away. "What? What's wrong?" I asked. "Some motherfucker was out there in the bushes!" I scrambled to cover myself with the wool blanket that had eschewed itself from the corners of the bed. Axel's severe gait made the entire trailer rock back and forth as he rushed out, fully naked and uncaring in preparation to catch whoever had been trying to get himself a free show but by the time Axel made it outside, the peeper had taken off running. I didn't witness a second of what had happened but I felt the sickly rush of embarrassment nonetheless. All I could see from the glass slats of the trailer window was Axel and his bare ass yelling after the person he had claimed had just been poking in from the overgrown bushes that fenced in the tiny mobile home. My underwear was nowhere to be found so I had to wiggle into my jeans, throw on my top with no bra on and follow outside to cull Axel back indoors before the residents of the park saw him cursing and screaming with no clothes on. The last thing we needed was for the cops to be called on us for disturbing the peace and squatting in an unused trailer in the middle of a country town nobody had ever heard of. "Axel! Get inside!" I hissed. He pointed down the winding dirt road and laughed. "Son of a bitch took off that way." "Did you get a good look at him?" "No, but I bet the cocksucker got a good look at us. You hear me, motherfucker!?" Axel bellowed. "I'll cut your fucking dick off!" "Shut up!" I pulled at his elbow. Axel reefed his arm away from me and turned to go back inside on his own accord. Fuming and still impervious about his nudity, he inspected our bikes to make sure nothing had been tampered with.  I looked around to see if anyone's attention had been roused and saw an old man peering from the screen door of a neighbouring trailer. When we made eye contact, he quickly withdrew back into his own quarters, probably in fear of lassoing the anger of the tall, tattooed menace storming around butt-naked. "Axe, get the fuck inside and put some clothes on, goddamnit. There are people around!" "I don't give a fuck!" Axel threw his arms up in the air, forgetting about shielding his crotch in favour of proving a point. Twinging with mutual embarrassment since Axel apparently had none to show, I pushed him to the door until he gave up and went back inside, allowing the screen door to slam shut behind him. I remained outside covering my mouth with my hand to stop myself from laughing until he returned with pants on. "Swear to God if I ever see that sorry son of a bitch again I'll wreck his fucking face," his volume had lowered but the bite behind his words remained. "What did you expect? The whole park probably heard us rocking in there. Of course, some hick motherfuckers are going to come to investigate." Axel tried not to let his smile become apparent but when he looked at me and saw that I was playfully blase about the situation, he relaxed and let out a chuckle. "Yeah, you probably like the attention, don'tcha? Little perve," he reached out to tickle my ribs. "So what do we do now?" I watched Axel put his hands on his jutting hips, survey the surrounding area and then let his eyes fall back to me. "I'm fucking starving and I haven't busted a nut yet. You and I have to take care of that. Preferably not in that order." "Wow. At your service, I guess, your majesty," I scoffed. He delighted in hearing me refer to him like royalty and chased me back inside the trailer to finish where we had left off. ~*~ There was no water in the little ramshackle trailer that Greg had allowed us to spend the night in. Axel inspected the closet-sized bathroom and quickly deduced that even if there was running water, he would have to bend so far at the knees to fit inside that he would still get sprayed directly in the face by the rusty shower-head. Not to mention the toilet that stood two feet away looked like it had received a decade's worth of bowel movements without ever having seen the bristles of a scrub brush. When I peered in and saw Axel with his head tilted to the side to accommodate his height, I giggled and suggested we look elsewhere for somewhere to clean up. Luckily there was a pool and showers located in the centre of Lovesick Park that we made use of. I opted to shower alone so I could actually get cleaned up instead of having to constantly fight off Axel's wandering hands. We both emerged with damp hair and the same clothes on that we had been wearing for the last few days. I sniffed at my armpits and scowled when I was hit with the same odour that had been following me since he had lovingly broken into my room at the Four Thousand's clubhouse. "We really need to find a laundromat or something," I motioned to the perpetual pit-stains of my shirt. Axel gazed down at his own shirt and shrugged. "I'm good." "Your shirt might as well be an apron," I rolled my eyes. "The less material, the less surface area to get dirty." Lovesick Park was more alive during the day and we were able to get a better sense of the place in the daylight. Just down the dirt road from the pool was the pavilion where we had met Greg. The smell of hot grease made our stomachs growl so we ordered enough food to fill us up for the day as we couldn't be sure when the next time food would be made available to us. "What do you suggest we do now? So far I've only seen families, kids and retirees. No sign of your mom. Then again, even if I did see her, I probably wouldn't know it since I haven't even seen a picture of her." There was one photo that I had in my phone of my mother. Rather, it was a photo of a photo that had been on the mantle at home. I snapped a shot of it before stashing the picture frame away in one of the many boxes of my father's things that I didn't want to see anymore. I grudgingly took out my phone and showed Axel the picture. He took the phone from me so he could squint at the photo. A smile unfurled over his smug face and he passed the phone back to me. "That's a fucking picture of you, idiot." "Nope. That's my mom." "Let me see that again!" He snatched the phone back and took a second look. "That looks exactly like you! Okay... I can see the eighties hair is a little different but... Shit." I scoffed at him through a mouthful of food. "So just look for a woman that looks like me." "I think I found me a new mommy," Axel wiggled his eyebrows. "Good. Maybe when we find her you can stay. She has a habit of jumping from guy to guy. I'm sure she would love the idea of taking her own daughter's man." "Pft!" Axel spit. "You think it's going to be that easy to get rid of me? We're getting married." "No, we're not. Marriage is fucking stupid and so are you." "You just stole the opening line of my vows," he nudged my foot under the wooden picnic bench. Try as I might bite back my smile, the way he stared at me knowingly was enough to break down my barriers. I wondered how many more times he would allow me to turn him down before he went crazy. The man sitting adjacent to me was less the man of my dreams and more like a nightmare come to life but I had never felt so vitalized before in my life with him there. if I was being honest with myself, I liked to say no to him only because I never wanted to stop hearing him ask. We scarfed down our food and decided to walk the perimeter of the park to see if we could turn up anything. From the outside, Lovesick Park looked small and self-contained but as we wandered further and further into the depths, we noticed that a good portion of the park was shrouded in a forest. We came upon a small walking bridge made of rickety wood slats that arced over a shallow stream that birds used to bathe in. The stream ran east around a bend, picking up speed and volume as it was joined by other streams until it rushed all at once into a river. There were a few fisherman wading into the water with their olive green boots and rods held up out of the water. Only a few of them pried their eyes away from their leisure to scope the two uncustomary strangers observing them. Axel nodded casually at them as he grasped my hand and pulled me in the direction of a veering trail that opened up to a meadow of long grass. "I think we've gone too far," I pointed out as a crowd of sparrows burst out of a shrub and took to the sky. "Nah, there's still a trail. Let's see where it goes," Axel insisted. The trail narrowed and weaved back into the forest and came out the other side at the opposite end of the park. When I saw more rows of trailers, I kept my eyes open for any sign that could even hint at the whereabouts of my mother. After a couple hours of walking around, everything started to bleed together and each trailer looked the same as the last. Some were closed off, boarded up and locked and others had been well-maintained throughout the years. We neared the end of another road and I was starting to grow weary of searching for seemingly nothing at all. "This is fucking ridiculous. I'm never going to find this bitch," I mumbled. Axel nodded toward something behind me and when I whirled around I saw what he was drawing my attention to. There was a powder blue trailer affixed to a wide deck that was devoid of any lawn furniture and beside it was a small carport housing a couple of old motorcycles. "Think that guy might have any ideas?" Axel asked. "It's a stretch but... I guess it's worth a try." My hesitation was noted by Axel so he rested his flattened palm against my back and gave me a gentle push up the steps toward the door of the trailer. It looked like the door had been cracked open with a crowbar a couple of times but I knocked anyway, stepping way back to allow room for it to swing open. We stood patiently for a minute before Axel shrugged and knocked again for me. "I guess no one's home," I concluded. Axel pointed at the rustling window covers. "Nope. Someone's in there. Maybe they just don't wanna come out to play." I elbowed him to shut up when the door finally opened a crack. A strong smell of cigarettes poured out of the inch-wide opening and I could hardly see the person standing at the door. "What do you want?" A man's gruff voice asked us. I swallowed, breathed in deeply and prepared myself to recite the same speech to the man that I had been repeating for the last few weeks. Every time I posed the question, it sounded more and more pathetic and I swore, as the words left my mouth, it would be the last time I would ask somebody to point me in the direction of my mother. If this was the last breadcrumb of the trail then I would turn around and head back to the port and my father's garage where I belonged. "I'm looking for Darlene Lockley. She's my mom. She looks like me... Rides a motorcycle." "Uh-huh," he grumbled before erupting into a coughing fit. "Um... I was pointed in this direction by the President of the D4T." "I look like a biker to ya?" "Well... I figured I would ask because I saw the bikes in your port." "We're not going to bite there, compadre. You can open up the door," Axel remarked. "Shut up," I hissed, driving my elbow into his side again. "Don't much like your attitude, son. Don't much like the way you two be lookin' either. I smell trouble comin' off ya." "Please! Just ignore him. I'm only looking for my mom. I don't want anything else. It's just... I've been riding a long, long time looking for her and Roy said that she was last seen here." "Roy?" "The President... Of the Dirty Four Thousand Motorcycle Club." "I don't associate with outlaw clubs." "Neither do we! We're not even from a club," I claimed. "You got patches though," he pointed out, choosing to remain hidden behind the door of his trailer. "They're really just for show... I'm from the Port. My dad was a founder of the Sweet Demons." The man let out a dry snort from his nose and cigarette smoke leaked from the crack of the door and caused my eyes to dry out. "More outlaws." "The Demons haven't been associated with crime for a long time," I explained. "Come on, man! Either you've seen her or you haven't. Why do you have to dick us around?" "Axel shut the fuck up!" The door opened with a leaden whine and the smell of smoke mixed with the odor of a man that looked like he hadn't bathed in ages. Swollen, red and purple feet were shoved into stained slippers and if his toenails were anything like his fingernails, they would have been thick as callouses and so yellow they were almost brown. The man had a severe beer gut that looked like he was smuggling a globe beneath his oil-stained t-shirt. He had a crown of scraggly brown hair that wrapped around his pate and a bushy beard that acted as an ash-catcher for his cigarettes. Axel took a step back and covered the lower half of his face in the crook of his arm. "If you want information about Dar-Dar, you're gonna to have to do me a favour first. So I know I can trust ya." "Christ Almighty," Axel muffled his disgust. "You know her?" I asked, disregarding Axel's reaction though I was feeling similarly the longer the stale air of the man's trailer seeped out. "I know of her. Spicy little rocket, kinda like you only... Meaner." "Sounds like her," I said with distaste. "You're going to have to go out and buy me a carton of smokes. And groceries." Axel scoffed loudly, "does it look like we have money to burn?" "I'll give you the dough but you have to make the run. The girl stays here." We both grimaced at each other until I relented with a heavy sigh. "Just go, Axe." "She'll be fine. I'm harmless. Can't do much anyway what with my diabetes." Axel threw up his hands. "Well, you're going to have to write me a list there, chief! I don't know what kind of food you eat! Cheese puffs? Fruit loops? Fuck." The man cracked his first smirk at Axel's frustration. "I'll get ya a list. Wait here." The trailer door shut and as soon as the man waddled away from the entrance Axel turned to me with a look of concern heavy on his brow. "I don't really want to leave you here with this stinky motherfucker! Do you really need to find your mom that bad? I don't know where the nearest fucking store is. What if he... I don't know... Tries to touch you or something?" I found his apprehension to be oddly charming and I traced a finger down his chest. "Aw, you're afraid! Axel... I've never seen you scared before." "I'm not fucking scared. We just don't know this guy. We have to be careful." "Don't worry about it. The guy can hardly breathe, let alone walk. What makes you think I can't hold my own against him?" Axel bit his lip for a moment. "When we get home... We're getting you a gun." Laughter burst forth from my throat as the trailer door opened again, revealing our new diabetic friend that had promised us the answers I had been searching for. He held out a piece of note paper and Axel snatched it to scan the list after thoroughly rolling his eyes and making his disdain obvious. "Milk, pop tarts, waffles, pancake mix, eggs... Backin?" "Bacon. Maple if they got it," he waved a few twenty dollar bills for Axel to take. "And a carton of Paul Slims." "You sure you want all this? How about some vegetables? You look like you could use a salad." "Let me fucking die in peace, will ya? Go get that stuff for me and then I'll tell ya what I know." Before Axel turned to leave he had one more question to pose. "Suppose we hadn't shown up? Who would you have to go get these things for you?" "I'd just call a delivery service. You can get anything delivered nowadays." He tapped his head and pointed at the man standing above us on the step of his trailer. "Good thinking, compadre. I guess I'll be back soon." "Take your time." "Yeah, yeah. Don't get any funny ideas about my lady here. I'm trusting you with her." "I'll be fine, Axe. Just go. Come back quick." I watched as he turned on the heel of his boot to start off in the direction of the smaller trailer we had spent the night in. Axel looked back once, shook his head and continued on. I smiled at him until I turned back around and saw that the door was being held open for me. "Oh... I'm fine out here," I quickly excused. He grunted in disagreement and pushed the screen door open further. The look of the inside of his trailer more than matched his overall appearance and that's what I was afraid of. The smell was so strong that I could feel the back of my throat start to water. It was a nauseating scent of decay and filth and when I figured he wouldn't be taking no for an answer, I held my breath and ducked inside. There was a lamp on casting a dull bit of light in an otherwise murky trailer that hadn't known the care of a mop or a duster in a long time. The state of the place made me miss the rickety little trailer that we had stayed in. The stench of cigarettes was embedded into every fiber of every piece of furniture that he had and the walls appeared to be dripping with dark brown nicotine stains. On the wall, there was a framed picture of Elvis that had washed out so much it became only a sepia outline of the King crooning on stage in Las Vegas. "You must be Angel then," he said after he had settled into a reclining chair pocked with cigarette burns. "So you know a lot about my parents?" "Hard not to notice a woman pulling in on a bike the size of hers." I chewed my cheek as I stood in the midst of his dwelling. My temples began to throb from the clashing smells of body odor and overflowing ashtrays. "I didn't, uh... Catch your name." "Name's Theo." "Nice to meet you, Theo." "Likewise. Smoke?" I had been craving a cigarette until I stepped into his trailer so I shook my head in polite declination. The thought of adding to the shroud of smoke I was in made my stomach turn. "I'm fine." "You oughta have a seat while we wait for your boyfriend to come back," Theo pointed to a booth-style sitting area complete with a table across from him as he lit a cigarette in the flame of a silver butane lighter. The table reminded me of a 50's style diner with his gold-flecked enamel and sea-foam green upholstery Not wanting to appear rude, I took a seat and looked up at the small tube TV that was playing a soap opera by the looks of it. The screen was distorted with snow and the audio crackled every once in a while, making it nearly impossible to tell what the actors looked like. Growing bored of that quickly, I resorted to just looking at my own boots while Theo puffed away on his cigarette. "Haven't seen Darlene in quite some time," Theo spoke up between shallows puffs. "Oh yeah? Same here," I chuckled. "That's actually why I'm looking for her. I haven't seen her since I was twelve." "Certainly ain't twelve anymore, huh?" "Certainly not," I squirmed. "Good thing you brought your boyfriend along," Theo remarked ominously. "What makes you say that?" I was unsure if I even wanted to hear his response. "Could be dangerous lookin' for somebody that don't wanna be found." I shrugged. "I guess so. I don't know much about her." "Imagine there's a lot you two need to talk about, what with your old man passin'." "Yeah," I frowned. I didn't much want to talk about my father with anybody. The memory of my dad was still freshly cut and the wound had yet to scab over since every time I seemed to forget about him, someone tore off the membrane by mentioning his death. Theo must have noticed my sour expression because he sighed and stubbed out his cigarette dejectedly. "Sorry to hear that, kid. You know... He was known far and wide. I'm sure people will still be talkin' about him for a long time. "Wel,l I wish they wouldn't." "My apologies." "It's fine. I just... Hate reliving it. We were close." "I imagine so. Imagine he'd be keepin' you quite close considerin' you look just like your ma." "Guess so," I dismissed. It was a challenge not to stare at the filth that Theo surrounded himself in and even harder not to gawk at his nebulous legs bulging with blood and veins. Our conversation was dry after he had brought up my father but as soon as I heard a motorcycle in the distance, my attention perked. Theo looked down at his wristwatch and grunted. "'Bout damn time." There was no sweeter sound than the chugging of the Widowmaker pulling up to the trailer. I was desperate for fresh air and when Axel opened the door and let in a little bit of sunlight, I smiled at him. "Both of you look too damn happy to see me," he laughed. Axel carried in two plastic grocery bags and set them down on the table in front of me. With a sigh, he rested his hand on his hips and looked around expectantly. "Well?" Axel pressed "Are you going to tell us where Darlene is or what? I brought you your stuff while you held my woman hostage so come on now. Out with it!" "You know... Darlene runs with a couple real questionable folks. I'd be careful around them if she still keeps the same company." "I think we've handled our fair share of questionable folks, wouldn't you say, Angel?" With a roll of my eyes, I replied, "just my entire damn life." "You two seem like all right kids. I wouldn't want you gettin' hurt, is all I'm sayin'." "Theo, I appreciate the concern," I nudged him toward the point. "Last I heard your ma had a cottage up on Ashby Lake. Real small town. She showed me a picture last she was down. Looked like her property was right on the lake." "You wouldn't happen to have an address?" I asked. "Not exactly. But there are about a dozen and a half cottages around the lake. You go door-to-door and I bet you'd be able to find her real easy." Axel nodded and then turned to me. "All right! Well, there you go. Ashby Lake. Where the hell is that?" "'Bout two hours North of here." "We can make it by the end of the day if we go now," I told Axel even though he already knew it. "Stay safe out there, kids." ~*~ The closer we rode to the lake, the more my heart began to stammer. Wave after wave of anxiety began to hit me and as we slowed to eighty miles an hour, the vibration of my bike beneath me started to make me feel nauseous. It was only after I increased my speed and flew around a bend in the road that the frequency stopped rumbling my entire body. Axel threw up his hand as if to ask me what the hell I was doing going twenty over the limit but I just couldn't stomach the chugging of my bike. The roof of my mouth began to water and I was overcome with the urge to vomit. I had to pull over or risk throwing up in my helmet. A long stretch of road flanked by nothing but trees was all that I could see for miles and I wasn't certain I would be able to clear it before bile rose to the top of my throat. It took Axel a couple of minutes to pull up after I had veered off the road and parked my bike so I could rip off my helmet and try to still my erratic breathing. His wheels kicked up rocks as he slowed to a full stop and turned off the engine before dropping the heel of his boot against the kickstand. "You okay?" His voice was muffled by the bandanna he had wrapped around the lower half of his face. I bent at the hips and supported myself with my hands on my knees and tried to let the regurgitation happen. Soon I felt a hand on my back and I groaned as I stared at the ground and began to dry heave. "Angel... Jesus. What's wrong?" He asked after I had retched a few times and brought up nothing but acrid spit. "I feel sick!" I yelled. He snatched his hand away and took a couple of steps back to give me the space I needed. My head began to swim and dizziness accompanied my discomfort until I sat down and tried to take in more air. With my head hanging between my legs, I heard the crunching of gravel beneath his boots as he walked away and came back to tap me on the shoulder. An unopened bottle of water was held out for me and I accepted it with a minimal nod. "Are you all right, babe?" My breathing shuddered involuntarily. It settled in that I was having an anxiety attack and the more I thought about it the worse it got. "God, Axe, I don't want to fucking do this anymore. I don't want to see her. This is all so pointless." "What are you talking about? You came all this way. We're almost there! We have a few miles to go." "I know! And now it seems like the biggest waste of time. I should have just stayed in the Port and continued to forget about her. Now it all seems so... Absurd. What am I going to do? Ask her why she didn't show up to my dad's funeral like I expect any good answer? The bitch doesn't want to be found... So why am I looking for her?" Axel crossed one boot over the other and sat down beside me in the dirt. "Because... You have unfinished business. You have questions that need to be answered and if I know you at all... You're not one to just let those questions fester. You need this. You need the closure. It's the only thing that's going to help you get over your dad's passing." I was silenced after what he had said and when he put his arm around my shoulder I laid my head on his and closed my eyes. The gentle wind carried the smell of pine trees to my nostrils and I sucked it in until the queasiness dissipated. Axel was right and I was surprised that the words of comfort he offered actually worked to calm my nerves. He pressed a kiss to my temple and rubbed my back. "I'm right here with you, Angel. I've got nowhere else to be... There's nothing else on this planet for me except for you. I know it's hard to face your demons but... Fuck. You of all people can handle this. And I'll be right here behind you. Ride or die, baby." A smirk cracked over my face and I leaned into him a little more so he could wrap his other arm around me in a tight embrace. Our leather chirred together while he rested his forehead against mine. "You can do this," Axel whispered. "You're better than her. You don't fucking give up." "Okay," I rasped. "Let's go find her, say the things that need to be said, get back on our bikes, go home and get fuckin' married."

[iris-writes-things]

The Demon and the Exorcists prologue

Read on Tapas, or under the cut!

Barclay's eyes have always had the tendency to get him the wrong kind of attention, but it all comes to a head when a handsome looking gentleman offers to walk him home from work. Barclay and his mentor, Walter, discover an ancient order of exorcists, out to get every last hostile and peaceful demon residing in our world one by one.

Will the quirky half-demon and the Agent of Death be able to stop them? Read along and find out!

Chapter 0 of 9 Ongoing 566 words Drama/supernatural

My mother was a witch. Powerful, well-willing, and eager to learn, but even more eager to start a family. Though she had a husband at the time, they never managed to conceive. After many years of trying, her husband took to drinking and other self-destructive tendencies. Worried for his safety, my mother summoned a demon out of desperation. Nine months later, she had me. Or so I’ve been told.

I never knew her. Nor would I ever know the man I would have called my father. I only know their faces from what few photos of them remain. They died before I could ever get to know them. My demonic heritage makes it so that I age much slower than any human, so I could barely speak a full sentence by the time of my dad’s untimely passing. Not much later, my mother died too.

Instead, I was raised by my godfather, Walter. An Agent of Death, or as some humans might call him, the Grim Reaper. Walter is a pretty great guy. He had always been one of my mother’s closest friends, and was incidentally the one responsible for helping their souls along to the next plane.

He always means well, even though, sometimes, his mindset is just as stuck in the Victorian era as his fashion sense. But he’s getting better. I hadn’t expected him to react the way he did when I came out. When I thought I might be kicked out of the house, he was warm and accepting.

I had already been an outcast for a long time, not aging at the same rate as my peers. Every time I just started making connections with others as a child, I had to disappear. I had to hide, stay away until it was safe for me to go out again. If I even had to hide myself in my own home, a place where I was supposed to be safe, it would have killed me. Walter knew that. And so, against everything he had ever learned, he let me unapologetically be myself.

But enough about my personal life. I know this is a lot to take in, but what I’m trying to say is this:

Demons exist. Fae, witches, vampires, dwarves, werewolves and angels, they all exist. Some good, some bad, some neutral, regardless of their race. Just like any other person. Some fully integrated into an unwitting human society, some hiding away in the woods, underground or in the nooks and crannies of your house.

I am one of those demons. Or half-demon, rather.

Of course, not all humans are completely clueless about the existence or beings like us. As the stereotype implies, some of us “supernatural” beings are “evil”, and humanity must be protected from them, they say. That’s why hunters and exorcists, humans with extraordinary tools and holy chants, were put in place; to keep us, the others, in check. However, as I’ve learned over the years, humans can be just as easily influenced and corrupted by power, led to do the most horrible things for the promise of more, just like us.

Wow, that got dark there for a second, huh? Well, I’ve never run into hunters or exorcists before. Maybe they aren’t as widely spread as Walter said they were. Maybe they don’t even exist at all.

But I can’t say I particularly care to find out.

[conundrum-rp-blog]

Under the cut you can check out all the players that have been accepted for their roles. Congratulations!  Please take a look at the instructions at the bottom of the page. For those who haven’t been accepted this time around, don’t be discouraged! Send me a message if you want more feedback on your application and I would love for you to re-apply in the future! Congratulations again to all of you and Welcome to CONUNDRUM! 

✦ Rae, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Emmeline Vance. “Emmeline feels guilty about not being able to fully be there and support those who she feels need her, especially since she needs to be there for her friends and family more than ever nowadays. She’s used to being the emotional rock, dealing with other people’s baggage & helping them sort it. With her own optimism draining as life drags on, she feels guilty for not having enough energy to deal with the problems of others, & she’s slowly running out of ways to help.” I can’t wait to see how this turns out. The dichotomy between the old Emmeline and the new one is one of my favourite things in your application. Great job!

✦ Roman, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Corban Yaxley. “Everyone knows they’re someone to be feared, even if they haven’t seen it first hand, but those who have seen it know better than to cross them. Their anger is something hidden behind smiles as sharp as knives, something sinister lurking beneath. They like their violence to be dramatic but quiet, something that can rarely be tied to them directly, more likely to take out an enemy behind closed doors when violence is involved. There are whispers of the things they’ve done that swirl around constantly, and yet no one seems keen to suss out if they’re true or not, and no one wants to risk getting on their bad side by poking their nose somewhere it doesn’t belong.” Dramatic but quiet is a perfect way to describe what Corban does; and it’s a recurrent theme all throughout your application. I honestly can’t wait to see how they fit into this universe!

✦ Shannon, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Fenrir Greyback. “It was not the allure of blood purity that drew Fenrir to the Death Eaters’ ranks, but instead a promise of freedom. Years of living life in hiding as a second class citizen has turned him cold and ruthless, willing to do anything if it meant bettering the station of not only himself but the rest of his pack. Pureblood, mudblood, halfblood, none of that shit every mattered to him- a human was a human no matter who fucks who. The only reason why he’s willing to act as the Death Eaters’ glorified attack dog is because their deal is currently the best on the table. Now, should someone change that then he may find his loyalties changing as well.” I love to see the difference between the other Death Eaters and Fenrir. The fact that you really put the focus on Fenrir’s objectives was amazing, and I can’t wait to see him interacting with everyone else! Your Face Claim change to Jon Bernthal has been approved.

✦ Dean, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Thorfinn Rowle. “Thorfinn returned back to normal within a few months. His self righteous and cocky demeanour flew back and it was almost as if he’d never been sent away. Though he had a streak of vengeance, furious that he had to endure such a tormenting event in the first place. With a temper like his and his place in society slowly turning back to normal, it wasn’t long before the Ministry issued a whole apology to the families involved in the imprisonment. But it didn’t leave it trials, the media, with Thor’s career as a Quidditch star, would pick up on any little detail of Thor’s activities. He had to be a lot more careful, which was unusual for the man since he was never really used to being on his best behaviour.” I really liked this headcanon in particular because I can’t wait to see it develop! Thor has been so sheltered his whole life that it will be amazing to read how imprisonment changed him. Amazing job! 

✦ Lucy, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Daisy Hookum. “In the light of her friends’ losses, Daisy has given up her magic. She might not have pulled herself entirely from the wizarding world yet but it felt like a safe first step. She hasn’t made a declaration of it, not until she’s sure she can handle it. It was another form of protest, as well. The entire war, every terrible, horrible thing she’d had to read and hear about, was caused by one thing – magic. Tucking away her wand and putting it out of her mind felt like a silent war that she had taken up with the entire world and it felt powerful, in its own ways.” Amazing! Such an original twist to the skeleton! I’m so eager to see how this plays out!   

✦ Becky, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Narcissa Malfoy. “Let it be known that Narcissa Black begins her life as a soft, gentle creature. This is a reminder that ice takes time to form. That children are neither good nor bad, but something in between that teeters on the edge of being both. With shielded smiles and knowing eyes, it is her family who encourage her into the darkness. Her bloodline are named after stars; they shine through the gloom and know how to cope with it, but she is a flower plunged into a world where she should not thrive. Should not grow. It is for this reason that she fights harder to stay alive. It is for this reason that her life is theirs to mould and shape.” I chose this headcanon in particular because it shows Narcissa’s struggle so clearly; and the push and pull between rigid ice and softness is definitely going to reach top levels in this universe. I sincerely can’t wait to see how it evolves! Your Face Claim change to Emma Rigby has been approved.

✦ Emily, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Alice Longbottom. “The road back from hell is not one easily navigated by an Angel. Her halo is dented, its shine dulled. Her wings quiver at the base of her spine, unable to soar. The Lestranges were her demons, clawing at her skin as they sought to silence her voice - afraid of its contents. But even fallen angels can learn how to fly again. The art of being broken, Alice has learnt, is a matter of opinion. To the naked eye, she appeared shattered beyond repair - a mere shell of who she once was. They were mourning her before she had begun irreversible decay. But Alice knew better. She knew that pieces could be knitted back together. She knew that just because something was chipped, it didn’t mean you should throw it away. It took patience, but she navigated her course back to the light.” This was such a gorgeous way of portraying Alice’s struggles! I love how much detailed you put in every single section of your application and I can’t wait to see how Alice fits in this universe! Your Face Claim change to Laura Harrier has been approved.

✦ Nic, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Gideon Prewett. “They think that war to him is just another game and that his brother and all of his restraint was the one keeping him in check — but when it was his brother that was lying in the mud there was no rampage or explosion or mad dog released from his leash, only unnerving stillness as he waited faithfully by Fabian’s bedside until he woke. Beneath the joke for every occasion, Gideon has always been a man of his convictions and in that moment Gideon experienced a fundamental change inside of him.” The moment I read this part of the application I was hooked. I can’t wait to see that change in Gideon and how he navigates through it. Great job! Your Face Claim change to Richard Madden has been approved. 

✦ Nikki, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Andromeda Tonks. “Andromeda can’t say that she was always the rebellious child. She wasn’t. In fact for most of her life she was obedient, the perfect daughter. Never had she spoken up, debated, or acted in any way unbecoming of the Black name. For her, it was easier to behave and focus on her love for her sisters and family. It was easier to think that if she kept her head down nothing would affect her. That was probably why her being with Ted came as such a surprise, it was her first true act of rebellion and her greatest betrayal. Andromeda never regretted it.” I really liked this part of the application because it’s a nice twist to the usual interpretation of Andromeda. We don’t really know about her history that much, so it’s quite curious to think she was much like her sisters once and then changed to the point of leaving her family. Great job!

✦ Dana, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Dorcas Meadowes. “After Voldemort’s downfall, Dorcas considered for a time stepping away from the wizarding world and venturing into the muggle world instead. As a baker, it would have been easy to integrate herself into the muggle community, open another shop and begin a new life without the threat of those in the magical community hanging over her head in such a way again. As relative peace fell over the community for some time, Dorcas remained where she was, however, as recent events have transpired, it has come back into her mind once more of stepping away and wondering if she should have done so before it was too late.” I chose this headcanon to comment on because I thought it was very original and unique, and I wonder how these thoughts will develop once Dorcas gets more and more involved in the war. I can’t wait to see what happens! Your Face Claim change to Summer Bishil has been approved.

✦ Ryan, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Amycus Carrow. “There are no nightmares, there is no regret, there is no afterthought. Amycus doesn’t fall asleep every night tossing and turning over the lives he took, he doesn’t think back and feel any type of regret over what he did. He slaughtered people, he sliced them up, he butchered them, he tortured them to the point where he had them begging for death and he enjoyed every single minute of it. Killing people doesn’t bother him, hurting people doesn’t bother him, being a monster is second nature to him. Amycus isn’t a man with redeemable qualities. He’s a bastard that takes delight in being a bastard. Every terrible, sadistic, and monstrous thing he’s done or will do is because he enjoys it and because he is not a man that gives a damn about the people he destroys in his wake.” Why did I choose this part, you might wonder? Basically because I always have a soft spot for a good old villain, who’s evil just for the sake of being evil; and I thought that was a very brave choice to make when it comes to your interpretation of Amycus. I’m eager to see him in action! Your Face Claim change to Michael Trevino has been approved. 

✦ Ash, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Evan Rosier. “She joins the likes of her cousins, seating herself at Narcissa’s side in the common room, wearing identical unimpressed expressions, rings of gold and silver weighing down their fingers. She looks across and draped along the leather couches are Mulciber, Rowle and the Carrows. It feels more like a reunion than anything else. Faces she’d seen and known from galas and dinner parties since she was a child are all her housemates now.Diamond tipped hair-pins hold her curls in place, the edges sharpened a point. It’s too often she contemplates ripping them out and driving them into the eyes of those around her. But that is part of her mask, too – she must continue to squash her volatile nature down, she must blend in seamlessly. She must charm and enchant, distract, conceal and evade. Evan must hide in plain sight – and she’s become good at it.” I adored this quote because I feel you portrayed Evan’s mask perfect and how she successfully hides her violent nature in order to fit in. Spot on! Excellent job! Your Face Claim change to Jasmine Sanders has been approved. 

✦ Maggie, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Frank Longbottom. “He’s not here for glory, not here to be remembered or create his name for history. He wants to be a hand, do what he can. The Order and the war did have a part in his decision to try and be an Auror, even as it’s was so far doubted he wouldn’t make it through training. His brothers believing that he would grow sick at the sight of what he was meant to run into, classmates believing he may not be smart enough. And his amount of personal training, the amount of hours he spent studying through the hours of the night were never to prove them wrong or the idea that he was afraid of failure, it’s just how he works. Giving everything. And there was a war going to begin, so he gave everything. In canon, he was a “well-respected auror,” and did make a name for himself, but not for being the top of his class, but for honest hard work and care.” I mainly chose this quote because the idea of a hero with a tender heart - as you described earlier in your app - is extremely original, and it’s something I absolutely relate to Frank. I loved that approach, and I can’t wait to see him in action!

✦ Nell, you’ve been accepted to play the role of Marlene McKinnon. “Known by the big backyard where children would fly around and play all seasons, Quidditch has always been a big tradition in the family, making many of the family members pursue careers in that field. Warm tones, wooden details and a clean cut design decorate each and every room of the house, old cottage vibes coming from a place that has seen generations of families pass by. Marlene and her siblings lived there with their parents, Richard and Deidre, and their dog Dalek— named after Liam’s favorite show and probably one of the few muggle things Marlene sort of understands. She’d never had any plans of leaving, until the murder happened. When death eaters attacked their home that night of july of 1981, marlene fought her hardest to save everyone. “remember what moody trained you for, what the order taught you.” it wasn’t until she heard her sister scream as the body of their mother fell in front of her that she realized she couldn’t win.” I swear this was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in all my history as a roleplay admin. What I loved about your app (and the reason I chose that quote) is how much detail and originality you poured into Marlene’s history, her family life and how she felt when the worst happened. Amazing job! Your Face Claim change to Phoebe Tonkin has been approved.

Again; congratulations to all of you and thank you for showing an interest in this group! Now that you’re here, this is what you need to do next:

Follow EVERYONE

Track all of the tags (found HERE)

Make your character account send it in within 24 hours

Open up your askbox

If for any reason you need more time to get your account in, don’t hesitate to message me so I can keep your role open! If I don’t get a message from you then I will assume you’re no longer interested in keeping your spot. Once you send your account, you’ll be provided with the necessary links and we can get started! And of course; HAVE FUN!

[k0saji]

Caffeine Challenge (cont)

Part 2/2 of this challenge right here.

Warnings for violence.

The cracks start like this. “You really don’t know anything, do you?” Tammy says. The two of you sit at what you consider your bench, the park curiously empty for this time of day. Mark is drooling into his bib as he stares down a squirrel while Sarah is busy making a castle in the sand. “Pardon?” You say, the back of your neck prickling. Tammy tilts her head back, looking at you with pity. “You don’t know,” She repeats, chuckling to herself. “I don’t know which was worse, you knowing everything, or you being innocent.”

“Tammy?” “I am sorry about this Katherine,” Tammy looks genuinely upset as she shifts, hands locking around your wrists and keeping you on the bench beside her. “It really is for the best.” “Tammy, what the hell?” You struggle but you can’t move. The way you are sitting, all your weight on one hip and a leg folded up on the bench makes it hard to get away as Tammy pins your hands to the bench, not letting you get any leverage to move. You look around, hoping to find someone when you see Sarah move from the corner of your vision. Only she didn’t move so much as glide, movement so smooth and controlled that it looked alien on her small frame. You’re heart turns to lead as she picks Mark up and turns to face you. Her eyes are black. Not just the iris but the whites of her eyes are gone, leaving shiny black sclera that reflect your frightened face. Sarah sets Mark on the grass, stretching his limbs apart raises a knife, more of a stiletto really but you are far too busy fighting against Tammy, who now has her arms wrapped tightly around you. “Shh, it’ll be ok,” She croons in your ear as tears spill from your eyes. No, no, please god, no, you pray. “I know its hard to understand now, but it really is for the best. We had to act soon or it would be too late for us, for the world. I know it’s your son but this is much bigger than you,” Tammy keeps talking. “Besides, you are young, healthy! You will have other children. It was just bad luck you had to have this one." No, no not your son, not him. God please, no. The knife stabs down. “MARK!” A hand wraps itself around Sarah’s wrist, stopping the knife just above Mark’s eye. “I don’t know where you’re from, kiddo, but we don’t kill kids here.” The speaker twists Sarah’s wrist until she lets go of the knife. The clatter it makes as it skitters over the ground shakes both you and Tammy out of your stupor. You rip out of Tammy’s hold and snatch Mark away from Sarah’s grasp, backing away with him clutched to your chest. “You.” You flinch as Sarah hisses out, low and guttural at the man, turning her head at what had to be an uncomfortable angle. “Let her go,” Tammy’s voice is hard, like the steel in her eyes as she faces down man. He looks unruffled, his blond hair falling over light colored eyes as he looked down his nose at Tammy. Sarah tries to twist away, but he all he does is change his grip to throw Sarah back at Tammy. “You alright, Ma'am?” He asks, keeping his eyes trained on the other two. You nod shakily and he gives you a grin. “Good, good, now lets take care of this mess then. What exactly is the problem here?” He turns to Tammy and Sarah. “You can’t stop us, not now! We need to get rid of it, before it can grow stronger,” Tammy spoke desperately, looking beseechingly at the man. Whatever she hoped to find was not there though, and you watch as Tammy’s face pales. Sarah moves forward, her face twisted into something you can’t call human. She has the knife again. “Madam, you should leave. Maybe call the police?” The man asks and you don’t hesitate. For whatever reason Tammy seems terrified of him, and he took care of Sarah so easily before. You leave. Later, after the police have taken your statements and pictures of the bruises blooming around your wrists and up your arms, you learn that Tammy was sitting there on the bench, clutching a bloody knife that matched your description. They also found Sarah’s corpse, right in front of Tammy. And no matter how hard they searched, the blond man was no where to be found. --- You feel paranoid, and refuse to leave the house. The neighbors are understanding, and make sure to give you updates. Its the most excitement they have had in years. They say Tammy had a psychotic break, you hear as people whisper around you like you are fragile. That she was perfectly normal, a loving foster mother and an upstanding pillar of society. (You thought the same about your husband) --- A year passes with no surprises and you start to relax. You move, travel across the country. A fresh start, your husband says, holding Mark carefully in his arms. He is home more often, more attentive to both you and Mark and you are happy that he and Mark have started bonding. Yes, you think, taking in the nice suburban house you bought together. A change might be just what you need. You feel your skin prickle, the hairs on the back of your neck raising. Alfred takes Mark into the house but you pause to look around, peering at the shadows along the buildings and trees suspiciously. They stay still under your watch and with a final sweep of the street you follow your family inside. (The definition of insanity: trying the same thing over again and expecting a different result). --- The next four years pass without anything noteworthy happening. Mark has grown into a rambunctious child, always climbing anything he could reach and asking questions. Not at all like he was as a baby. (You don't think about how Alfred has withdrawn from his son. After the last argument you learn to pick your battles). You go to therapy, and you feel better with every month passing without instance. Mark turns five and you have a large party, inviting the children from the neighborhood and setting up an inflatable castle. Alfred invites some of his friends from college, you reach out to your friends but most of them are on the other side of the country and you haven't made much of an effort to integrate yourself with the neighborhood. You regret that a little, sitting alone at the table, playing with the straw of a juice box when someone takes a seat next to you. "You!" It was the same blonde man from the park. You immediately look over to Mark, but he is happily bouncing along with his friends inside the inflated castle. The sound of plastic tearing catches your attention and you look back to see the man poking a straw through his juice box. "What are you doing here?" You demand. Your body tenses, blood pumping faster as you think of the different routes to grab Mark and get inside the house. "Is it really so odd that I would check up on you?" the man asks. He sips the juice daintily, before pulling the beverage away to frown at it. "We moved," You move to stand up but stop when he lifts a hand. “I’m not here to fight,” he says, setting the juice aside and leaning forward, folding his hands across his knees. “I’m actually here to help you, Ms. Hallaway.” You give him a disbelieving look and he sighs. “It’s about your son. Have you noticed the way things seem to mysteriously happen around him?” “Not here.” You snap out, feeling cold. You take a quick look around, Mark is still running around with his friends and you can see Alfred in a nearby cluster of parents. Good. “Come on,” You mutter, grabbing an empty tray and walking back into the house. You duck into the kitchen, away from the window looking out into the back yard and turn. The man leans against your counter top, hands tucked into his pockets. “What do you know about demons?” (Your world shatters that day, alongside the cracks that you tried so hard to ignore) --- The man calls himself Hal, that's not their real name, and they are not a man. They tell you about your husband, about the cult he belongs to. About Hell and Satan and everything you thought belonged in religion or pop culture. They tell you about your son and you almost throw up. (You believe them, which would surprise you if you hadn’t been suspicious of Alfred for months, if you hadn’t noticed how he and his friends treat Mark. How they look at him with hope and what you now realize was greed in their eyes.) --- Things don’t change much, on the surface. Mark’s birthday was three weeks past when Hal drops in again. They have been doing that for the past few years, you learn. For security. They didn’t have a part to play in all of this, but got caught up when they saved you and your son from the angel. You finally have a word for what Sarah was. It’s a cold comfort given what you now know. After all, you did your part, you had the child. Now... now you were just a liability. If Mark didn’t bond so closely to you, you didn’t doubt you would have disappeared like the other women they tried to impregnate. Hal sits down beside you on the couch. Mark was coloring at the table, sending curious looks over to the two of you. You sip your tea and wait for him to start. Hal sighs. “Look, you need to understand, Heaven and Hell had been at it for centuries. With the Antichrist-” “Mark.” You interrupt. “He has a name.” Hal grimaces. “Mark,” they say with some reluctance, “is a valuable resource. He can act on Earth in a way no demon or angel can. It makes him a target.” "From God," You say, your voice flat. "From angels who follow God's will. Which is most of them," Hal admits. "Despite everything, you humans did manage to pass down grains of truth about His teachings." "The apocalypse." You did your research. "When he reaches adulthood he will be channel the powers of Hell, unleashing them on the planet." You look at Mark, head bent over his coloring book and can't imagine it. He is just a boy. "He's more than that." You didn't realize you spoke out loud. "He will rule someday, and every celestial being will be watching him, either to curry favor or to destroy him. He's the first child to reach this age, and Hell has put far too much time and effort for his birth to loose him." "So what? There's nothing I can do? Just let him be used as a, a pawn in a game?" You demand, putting down your cup with a sharp click. Hal shrugs, "I'm just telling you what to expect. At this point, the boy would be taken away to be educated, and to keep him away from... bad influences." "Like me." You smooth down the fabric of your pants with a brisk motion. "That's not going to happen." You stand up and walk back to the dining table, leaving Hal protesting behind you. "Look, you can't stop this, it will be you against everything He can throw at you, you will lose everything." Hal looks pointedly at Mark. "Then I better win," You say, and reach over to pluck at Mark's drawing. "Almost done, sweetie?" Mark looks up at you with solemn eyes and nods, handing his paper over. You look over the neat black lines and the colored in spaces and place it at the center of the table. You hear the scrape of the chair over wood as Mark moves behind you, and ignoring Hal's sudden questions, start lighting the candles set around the picture. "Wait- Don't!" Hal's voice cut off as you prick your finger on a sterilized needle, and drip the blood onto the drawing. Nothing overly dramatic happens, and you find yourself just a bit disappointed. "What did you do?" Hal breathes out, edging back from the table. "Called your boss. You might want to make yourself scarce," You add, almost as a afterthought as the shadows along the table and the corners of the room darken, and the chandelier starts swaying to a non existent wind. You pull Mark back behind you as something oozes out of the shadows. The shape writhes unnaturally, twisting itself up and into the silhouette of a man. The darkness peels away, revealing a smartly dressed man with handsome features. You aren't fooled. Red eyes look down at you, whether in derision or interest, you can't tell. "Well then?" the Devil himself asks, looking over from you to your son and behind you, where you can hear Hal's soft whimpers. You pull out the folder you set aside earlier and hand it over to him. You can feel the heat emanating from His hands, almost burning you even though your hands never make contact. You stay still as He flips through the pages, and finally looks up, snapping the folder shut. "Most women don't bother making deals when they find out," He said. No, they didn't. "I'm not most women," You say. "No, you aren't." He agrees. "No one has the guts to summon me anymore, and yet here you are. Are you not afraid? I can hear your heart racing." He leers, a predator watching in amusement as its prey walks into its claws. You stay silent. "Do you know what will happen once I sign this? Any protection you have now will be void. Everyone with a stake in this game will target him, without any care to bystanders, rabbit" "I am not here because you protected me." "No, you are not," He says softly, tapping at the folder with a long finger. He smiles, and drops the folder, spinning it across the table so it faces you. "Alright then. Lets see how far you can run, little rabbit." You open the folder to see His name written on the line in bright red. You wipe your hands on your slacks and look over the papers. Nothing looks to be changed but you carefully go over it again, word for word. Finally, you put the folder down and reach for the nearest writing implement. You sign the contract in red crayon and hope for the best.

(Now comes the hard part).

[firstumcschenectady]

“Find Joy” based on  Isaiah 66:10-14 and Psalm 66:-19

Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

- Psalm 30:5b

I have a fondness for … um... expressive language ;), and that fondness was significantly stronger when I was in college.  However, in April during every year of college I cleaned up my language to  pristine levels.  I did it so that when I got to camp, I would not accidentally speak a word that would harm, or offend, or get repeated by any of our campers with special needs.  We were also careful then, as we are now, not to offer too many hugs or to permit any loosening of manners – not to allow anything at camp that would cause potential harm in the real world.  

I did this because I loved our campers, and I wanted them to be safe, secure, and at ease both at camp and in the world.

During my second year of seminary I started an internship with an urban church, one that was doing important ministry with people who were homeless.  People who are homeless are more likely to be assaulted – both physically and sexually.  People who are homeless are often hungry, unable to get clean, struggling with physical health, and most people who are homeless for a long time end up with an addiction even if they didn't start out with one.  Being homeless is one of the hardest and most vulnerable positions in our society, if not THE hardest.

The history I'd learned in college about the closing of state hospitals for people with disabilities, and the resulting (continued) failure of the system to care for the most vulnerable people in our society suddenly became very clear in reality.  People who were in the same population as Sky Lake's beloved special needs campers were homeless on the streets of Los Angeles.  The disconnect between the intentional care I'd been offering to God's beloved people with special needs at camp and the reality that people with special needs were being assaulted every day on the streets of LA, and that society was doing NOTHING to change it broke open my heart.

I have not recovered yet.

Instead, over the past 15 years, I've discovered more and more ways that the world is fundamentally broken and been disillusioned repeatedly.  Some wise ones have pointed out that is it because of the color of my skin and the stability of my childhood that I was able to be so naive to begin with, and they're right.  Yet, for me seeing the world as it is, and seeing clearly what its priorities are and are not, is painful. Similarly, seeing the church as it is, and seeing clearly what its priorities are and are not has been painful.

I believe that part of the purpose of church is to offer a God's vision for the world to the people, and as such to offer hope that we can build the kindom together.  Further, I believe that the pastor's role is to be a speaker of the vision, and of hope.  People NEED hope, and our faith tradition offers it.  It has been hard at times, though, to have integrity and be truthful about the brokenness, and simultaneously offer real hope.  The challenge, I think, has been in my own discomfort with reality.  Once reality is accepted, then it can be worked on, but I've been struggling for years to accept that things really are as broken as abundant evidence points to.

The realities of the world, however, are exactly WHY we need to speak hope – real hope – and be inspired by God's visions of justice.  We can't just let ourselves wallow, we have to face reality, but we can't offer weak or trivial hope.  The world, and its people, NEED to know that another way of being is possible, and we can create it together.

Family Systems theory teaches us that when we are anxious, we get more close minded.  When systems (groups of people) are anxious, they get more close-minded too.  They take less risks.  They make worse decisions.  They create anxiety in their people, and then people with raised anxiety tend to revert to old ways of functioning and coping mechanisms that often do more harm than good: gossip, triangulation, demonizing others, consuming, addictive behaviors, lashing out, etc.  Anxiety can easily become it's own self-perpetuating cycle.

Dear ones, the anxiety in our systems right now are at unhealthy levels.  I remember reading articles during the 2016 election cycle about the impact the election was having on our shared mental health (it was bad).  It has gotten worse.  The injustices around us take a toll every day, and I hear from all of us how much we want to create change.  It doesn't help right now to be part of the United Methodist Church, because being part of a CHURCH that is an oppressor is really darn depressing, and adds our anxiety and dismay.  Further, in this particular congregation, we've been working on something that is also really hard: we've been in conversations about balancing our budget, which we have not done since 2004.  (And even that was a bit of an anomaly.)  We have been living beyond our means for a long time. Balancing the budget requires making difficult decisions about who we are and what we do and what is imperative to our shared life together, and it requires that we have really difficult conversations where we don't all agree – and that is anxiety producing as well.

It is tempting, in these days, to give up:  to stick our heads in the sand, or to lash out in anger, or to become comatose on the couch.  It is REALLY easy to let the anxiety win.

But.

Dear ones, beloveds of God, we aren't going to do that.  We aren't going to give in and we aren't going to lash out.  We aren't going to let anxiety take over.  We are going to keep on keeping on, working towards the kindom, loving each other, spreading love and goodness in the world, and trusting that God works with us, through us, and when necessary despite of us.  We are going to find the ways to let go of the anxiety, and find some trust and some hope, and be sources of transformation.

We are going to break out of the cycles, because anxiety is terrible for us, it is terrible for the world, and it enables all the things we don't want to see! Now, here is the weird twist.  Given all the brokenness of the world, it can feel really disrespectful, or trite, or privileged, or even mean to …. have fun, seek joy, laugh, and play.  (Or even just to take breaks and deal with reality for a bit.)  That's real!  I know how hard it can be to enjoy life when we know the awful things that are happening, but I want to share with you wisdom that I heard second hand.  This wisdom came from a person who was impoverished and disenfranchised in a country with dictatorial rule.  That person was asked, “Why are you so joyful when things are so bad!?” And they responded, “Why would we let them take our joy too?  It is all we have left.”  

Joy, it turns out, is resistance.  Joy is OURS to claim, and we shouldn't give it up, because giving it up won't help anyone – in fact it will hurt everyone.  The world needs more joy.

Joy, unlike anxiety, creates space for creativity, for connection, for hope.  Out of the box thinking can happen when joy replaces anxiety, and the problems of the world today REALLY need new solutions.  Joy makes space for people to regain their humanity.  And laughter really is the best medicine (trust me, I laughter until I cried at camp – twice – and I haven't felt so whole since before General Conference). Whatever you do, dear ones, don't cut out joy from your life.

And, if you need help getting to joy – which is totally fair – most wisdom teachers say gratitude is the way to get there.  So, practice advice here: keep a gratitude journal, and take 5 minutes at the end of each day to notice what you are grateful for in that day.  Putting our attention on what is good is a great way to create more good, and to make space in our lives for joy.

Now for the REALLY good news.  Our God is a God who knows all about oppression, and has worked to overcome it throughout all of history.  In all these years where I have become further and further disillusioned with society and the world, I have found great comfort in the Bible.  The Bible is VERY WELL AWARE of the brokenness of the world, of the reality of domination systems, AND of the power of God to break them open.  

The Bible tells this story innumerable times, but there are three really big versions of thie story:  (1) The Bible says that God knows about the oppression of slavery, and moves to free the people who are enslaved.  (2) The Bible says God knows about the oppression of exile, and moves the people to restoration.  (3) The Bible says God knows about the oppression of being part of empire because of the force of the military, and moves the people to empowerment, to resistance, and ultimately to freedom.  That is, the stories of (1) Exodus, of (2) Exile and Return, and (3) of the ministry of Jesus.

The passage from Isaiah today is a response to Exile and Return, and it speaks in the language of God as mother of the people, nursing them and caring for them.  After a WHOLE LOT of condemnation of the injustices of ancient Israel, in the end of Isaiah we hear, “ Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice with her in joy, all you who mourn over her-- that you may nurse and be satisfied from her consoling breast; that you may drink deeply with delight from her glorious bosom.”  Rejoice with Jerusalem, despite it's history of oppression, despite its history of exile and destruction, none of those are the final words.  The final words are that God cares for the people and finds a way to nurture them and it brings great joy. The final words in the book of Isaiah are God's comfort, and care, and the people's JOY.  

I've told you before, but this bears repeating: Our faith says that Love wins in the end, and if Love hasn't won yet, then it isn't the end yet.  (In this case Love and God are interchangeable.)  The brokenness of day is not the final answer, God is still at work.  We are still partnering with God to make things better.  So, in the meantime, practice gratitude, find joy, allow for rest, and in doing so let go of anxiety.  God is working, and looking for for open-hearted, loving, partners to work alongside.  May we find MANY ways to be those people, and encourage each other towards joy.  Amen

--

Rev. Sara E. BaronFirst United Methodist Church of Schenectady603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305Pronouns: she/her/hershttp://fumcschenectady.org/
https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

[trulyhumblenarcissist]

When you read too much Tokyo Ghoul and Berserk

This is gonna be long… sorry! So yesterday I had this weird dream I want to share with you guys. It was very detailed, but also a little confusing. I have to point out that since from the start I was aware of some circumstances regarding the world setting, such as the existence of horrible monsters hunting for Human prays, but I also gave for granted they were secluded in a confinement area, separeted from the rest of the city by a huge electronic gate. For some reasons I also thought they were unable to consume people of my species even tho now I have no idea of what this meant (what species? I was human… Idk). At the beginning I am chilling with Caska in her heroine mode. Everything seems fine, except that the atmosphere is a little gloomy. We are happy, but the people in the background look at us with worried eyes. We are right next to the gate’s entrance and we are waiting for other people, I don’t really remember who. At a certain point we hear a bell and a voice tells us that it’s 7 pm , so I am like “cool, whatever…”, but then the gate cracks open and a bunch of disfigured creatures creeps out. We manage to hide behind a rock or something, but I’m still not very impressed about the whole situation because I’m convinced we are safe, the monsters won’t like our meat! Except that they DO like our meat… I suddenly see a group of them charging towards our position and I start doubting every information I have. First of all why the hell someone opened the gate? Why are these creatures so aggressive? They shouldn’t be interested in us… The voice from before tells us another piece of background:“You’ve been selected as sacrifices, please stay still”. So I’m like “fuck this! Everything was so nice!”, we are practically cornered, I’m scared and I don’t have any weapons, but Caska swings her sword like the pro she is. My friend tries her best to protect us both, but we’re easily outnumbered and apparently doomed. I close my eyes right before one of the creatures is getting me and when I blink again, I find myself in a building full of monsters, but with “gentler”, less scary features. I know Caska is still with me, but I can’t really see her, I just sense her presence (this actually occurs to me very often, I dream about someone I can’t see, but the presence is still clear in my mind). Then I’m approached by… Griffith! And Charlotte, his wife. They also have a daughter, I don’t like her from the start. Griffith is dreamlike as always (I’m not surprised) and he looks at me with infinite kindness… However the other monsters are clearly irritated by my presence, they don’t want me there, but I’m not scared too much. Griffith explains me different things about the world “inside the gate”. All these creatures are actually humans, or at least they WERE humans before something terribile happened. Lots of them hate the people “out of the gate” and are determined to live their lives without having to deal with the other society, unless if it’s dinner time. He also tells me I’ve been rescued by his comrades, a group of monsters fighting for changing the status quo. They want monsters and humans to live together, peacefully (sounds familiar right?), and they are conducting different missions to understand better both groups. I end up joining them and Griffith assigns me a sort of mentor to smoother my integration process. The mentor is a girl, a very hostile one at that. She has straight brown hair that ends on her shoulders and shark like teeth. She says she doesn’t like humans and her comrades probably dislike me too, for my body, my face, my manners. Monsters follow Griffith, belive in him, but their mental setting is hard to break, because humans ruined them and rejected their existence, so they can’t be completely human-friendly even if they try to… the resentment is too strong. I appreciate her direct approach, I’m glad she’s is my guide, her name is Anna. Anna gives me a mask with my face but… scrambled. I need to wear it if I don’t want to be recognized as human by the monsters’ community. Suddenly Uta appears among a group of people, he smiles and chats with elegance. I’m excited, I want to meet him! So I rush where he stands showing my mask. “This thing is fucking horrible, the realization is so messy I could vomit” he says with an horrified look. “I agree! So why don’t YOU make one for me? I’ve always wondered how it’d be wearing a mask designed by you!”. I’m so hopeful, but he laughs in my face and turns around (apparently I’m not worthy!). Discouraged, I return to my mentor and I catch her spying Griffith’s daughter behind a wall. The girl is clearly a bottle blond with daddy issues, but Anna is somehow entranced by her, I instantly understand she loves that little goose. I ask Anna about this and she brushes me off. I feel jealous. So our first mission begins, we have to gather information from the monsters’ side. Griffith goes ahead and we escort him, as a group of six-seven members. We walk through the center of monster city, a big conglomerate of houses and lives. I’m so scared, I feel hundreds of eyes staring at me. I have my mask, but I don’t think it’s enough to protect my identity. Anna is right next to me, she is a bit more open and kind now, probably because she knows I’m freaking out. At some point Griffith’s stupid daughter makes a mistake, something really careless that forces us to run away and split up. I fall because I’m clumsy even in my dreams and Anna comes back to help me, but a group of monster cops is faster. I’m petrified, I think they’ll certainly find out I’m a human and well… they do. For the second time I’m about to die, but Anna manages to save me, I don’t know how since my eyes are closed again (I’m a darn damsel in distress). We’re running for our lives, followed by monster cops and regular citizens. I cling to Anna’s shoulders, around her I feel safe, she’s incredible. We need to reach the gate before 7.30 because if it closes we’re fucked. We reach a zone full of traffic lights and moving barriers. Anna says we need to cross every barrier with a perfect timing in order to not be seen by the monsters. I step even more closer to her and my movements become so light and precise… It’s almost like we’re one person now, I want to be with her like this forever, but she’s suffering because of that little bi… little goose. Life is hard. So we run and stop, run and stop, following an intricate pattern of lines and flashes. Everything is so confused, but somehow we get to the gate right before its closure. On the other side we find a palace, it’s almost like we are using a secret passage. The palace is astonishing, full of baroque decorations, refined marbles, Crystal chandeliers and golden furniture. I hear Griffith’s voice… he’s speaking with an older woman, dressed like a queen. She’s disappointed, she wants Griffith to “end the games” soon because the monsters need to conquer their righteous place. She’s also worried that Griffith wants to kill his older brother to inherit the throne. I’m confused more than ever, but I don’t say a word. Griffith’s daughter appears throwing a tantrum because her father left her alone. Griffith scolds her like a little kid and I rejoice with all my heart. I want her to be humiliated in front of Anna, my mentor needs to understand her feelings are useless (better give em to me right??). At this point we are all sitting in the palace’s garden. Griffith is an angel kissed by the full moon, Anna is right beside me, I hold her hand, everything is perfect, until Caska appears again. I’m surprised and also scared. What if Caska starts to hate me because I’m collaborating with Griffith? Griffith is a demon, this concept breaks my mind completely. How did I forget something so important? But then Caska sits on Griffith’s lap. She looks disgusted and sad, but her words are full of bravery “I hate this piece of shit… I hate him with all my might, but he’s powerful. We need him to fight and win this war!”. I’m like “ok this makes sense”, but I suddenly realize that if we REALLY want to live we need someone with an incredible strength and fighting ability… I’m now screaming “Guuuuuts!!!” at top of my lungs, to call him back! But the lights are on, my face is paler than usual. Shit it’s already 8.am! I overslept again.

[forevermagik]

Worldbuilding June Day 3

People and races! Tyrysius is full of humans, elves, (and people with some combination of those two races), dwarves, catfolk, and elementals. The most common elementals are air and water elementals, though some sentient fire elementals and earth-type elementals appear on the plane. 

Mixed among these races are the astrals--people with angelic or demonic blood in them. 

Prior to the cataclysm, there were races like orcs, goblins, gnomes, and lizardfolk, but these races largely did not survive the ice ages after the cataclysm. 

More discussion under the cut!

Humans survived the cataclysm purely because they’re stubborn. Also there was a lot of them. Their bodies are also fairly resilient. Humans as a race are slowly disappearing into the people on the part-human-part-elf spectrum. However, there are places where full humans are still born. Perinathia has only a 1 or 2% elf population. Berthingtonn, too, is a largely human place. So is Timernis. Eswaisil has some full humans, but most of them have migrated there. Geographically in Schmiedland, people more towards the human end of the spectrum tend to populate the southern area by the grainbelt, or the Northeastern area that borders Berthingtonn. Human “culture” is not specific to all humans. A human from Perinathia grew up in a completely different culture than a human from Schmiedland. Same goes for a human from Berthingtonn or Timernis, or any of the other smaller city-states on the planet. 

Paul Lubbock is primarily a human, near the grainbelt in Schmiedland. He might have a teensy bit of elf in him, but it’s not much. Killian is also about 97% human. He’s Timernian, but Schmiedland-raised. 

Elves survived the cataclysm by moving south to fairer weather, and procreating with the humans. There are less full elves than there are full humans on Tyrysius. Most “full elves” are actually somewhere in the 97-99% range. Though there are still a few purists. Elves reside primarily on Edanshe--where everyone is pretty much 90% or more elf, in Schmiedland, or in Eswaisil. Elves on Edanshe are actually fairly racist/classist and will ostracize elves who are “too human.” Ironic, considering they’re the descendants of people who left pre-Schmiedland for being targeted for being “too elf.” There are a few elves in Perinathia, Berthingtonn, and Timernis, but they make up only a small portion of the population of those countries. There are also a bunch of elves living in North Schmiedland that are trying to make Esternia a country again. (Good luck with that guys.) Island Elf culture is something that is pervasive all over Edanshe and is nothing like elf culture from Schmiedland, which is a minority group, or Eswaisil where elves and humans are seen more as equals. 

Rinnie is an elf from Edanshe. She’s aware of all the classist bullshit. She hates it, but will also forget about it sometimes when she’s benefiting from it. 

Part-Elves (I say because I haven’t come up with a better name yet) are very common on Tyrysius. Most people in Schmiedland are part-human-part-elf. The only way you can get elected King and Queen is if you’re part-elf. However, that does not prevent other races from holding office in the Reichstag. There are also a lot of part-elves in Eswaisil. Berthingtonn, Perinathia, and Timernis have a small population of part-elves--considering both have populations of elves and humans. Part-humans on Edanshe better be “elf enough,” otherwise they just move back to Schmiedland. (This happens a lot when an elf from Edanshe goes and has a kid with a mostly-human in Schmiedland, then the elf and the child stay in Schmiedland until the child is grown because of issues like this on Edanshe.)

Riela is nearly half elf-human. She’s from Eswaisil. Nathaniel Adler has enough elf in him to have pointed ears, but he doesn’t know the specifics. He’s from Schmiedland. 

Dwarves are the only people who inhabit the Yurels. The Yurels are entirely a dwarf state. There is also a large population of dwarves in Schmiedland. There’s also the Dwarf Trading Clans which trade all across the world. However, Trading Clans will either be based in the Yurels or in Schmiedland. There is a small population of dwarves in Berthingtonn and Timernis. There might also be a few dwarves scattered around Perinathia. Dwarf culture from the Yurels is entirely different than dwarf culture in Schmiedland. It’s actually offensive to infer that a dwarf is from one place when they are, in fact, from another place.

Mica is a dwarf from Schmiedland and so help you gods if you suggest she’s from the Yurels. 

Catfolk survived the cataclysm because they adapted well to colder climates. They live primarily in Perinathia. Most catfolk there worship cat demon lords. Catfolk who do not wish to submit to the demon lords trek north to join the (smaller) population of Schmiedish catfolk. Some catfolk also migrate to Berthingtonn. Perinathian catfolk have thicker furs, with more grey and white tones. Schmeidland catfolk have more browns in their furs. 

Elementals come to Tyrysius’ plane because they’re all such great gossips. They love a story and they love to hear a story. Water elementals will come near places of water. Edanshe has tons of water elemenetals. The coasts of Schmiedland, Perinathia, Berthingtonn, and Timernis see a lot of water elementals too. Air elementals like big cities. Fire elementals will come near forges and hearths for their stories. Elementals cannot procreate with any other species. When they die, they go back to their original plane of existence and come back to Tyrysius in a reincarnation-type of deal.

I also want to mention that dragons are a thing. However, dragons are a dying species. 1500 years ago, there were ten dragons. Now it’s harder to say. Mihelle, the Sky Dragon died during the Yurel-Thade War that led up to the cataclysm. Ludal the Swamp Dragon died in the cataclysm because they had been in the area that became the Crater Sea. (Not even a dragon is going to survive a meteor-like object falling on them.) Chesl the Forest Dragon was murdered by divine intervention in Eswaisil within the past century. No one has reportedly seen Raim the Mountain Dragon in like 5000 years. Her last known location was in Berthingtonn’s underground (which got wrecked by the cataclysm.) Similarly, no one has reported seeing Twaratha the Frost Dragon since the cataclysm. She was last seen in the (now ruined) Esternia. However, it should be noted that dragons can sleep for hundreds of years at a time. Dacer the Lightning Dragon is elusive, though was more or less recently seen in Perinathia. Miriantha the Steam Dragon is definitely still alive near one of Edanshe’s volcanoes. Eton the Volcano Dragon is similarly alive near one of the Yurels’ volcanoes. (The two of them are friends, though Edanshe and the Yurels don’t get along.) Varloc the Steel Dragon frequents forges in Northern Schmiedland. Tiluvor the Air Dragon is really good with technology and he’s in Thadenopolis. 

Orcs are kind of still around, but in small, insular societies at the fringes of civlization. They’re also, unfortunately, horribly inbred.

Astrals! Oh man, astrals. So... angels/demons can basically procreate with whatever race they feel like (barring elementals.) And, while pretending that they’re not all that involved, the gods are actually pretty involved in Tyrysius. Therefore, the gods’ angels are involved. Also, demons get involved too. Astrals are a byproduct. Astral traits can show up generations after the original halfsie, too. Demonic astrals are kind of given a short straw. They’re looked upon as dangerous, angry, and unpredictable. Many countries will kill them as soon as they’re recognized. Even more lenient countries like Schmiedland have rigorous rules to allow demonic astrals integration into society. Angelic astrals have it much more lucky. However, most countries want angelic astrals in their military because of their enhanced physical capabilities. Someone who’s a halfsie can manifest and ascend into an angel or demon if the god or ruling demon lord desires it. 

(Killian is an angelic astral.)