#they literally killed it too right after its third anni

[banqanas]

exile games I’ve played in the past and has shut down but i never uninstalled them bc i am in denial (tm)

not pictured: high&low the game bc i ran out of memory to keep it but i still have a screenshot from my homescreen 🥺🥺🥺 todowoki…..

[snkpolls]

SnK 131 Chapter Poll Results

The chapter poll closed with  2,192 responses. This month’s poll results were brought to you by @momtaku​, /u/staraves, Crunchwrap, u/_Puppet_, Luna.  Thanks as always for your support.

  RATE THE CHAPTER 2,118 responses

This was a standout chapter for the fandom, garnering a positive rating from over 90% of respondents and an average score of 4.68 which makes it the highest rated chapter since 122 - and in the top 5 in the history of the poll! Many of you were eager to express your enjoyment of it, with this question getting the most responses it has since chapter 102 (over two years ago!). As we go deeper into the endgame, it’s good to know enthusiasm is going strong.

Yams is a damn genius. This is one chapter I have not been able to stop thinking about or rereading. It's just... its so fucked up and SO. WELL. DONE.

I really, really loved this chapter. My favourite so far probably.

This is the first time I cried after a chapter. It hit me so hard.

Almost made me quit the manga. We finally got a confession from Armin, but right in the middle of all that grief, I couldn't enjoy it. Poor Ramzi and Halill, and all other innocent people beyond and within the Walls.

This chapter has had a ripple effect on how I’m seeing the series now in retrospect. I’ve been re-reading the manga , & I’ve become very melancholic after the Rumbling , knowing  everything was leading to this.

This was a phenomenal chapter. Thank you Isayama for everything.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT?

2,137 responses

Finding a favorite moment in a tragic chapter isn’t easy but we managed. “Child Eren’s moment of happiness” tops the list with an impressive 30% of respondents. “Seeing the reality of the rumbling” (18.8%), “Eren’s tearful apology to Ramzi” (15.9%) and “Getting Eren’s thoughts on the Rumbling while in Marley” (13.8%) round out the top four.

Very cool to finally see the destruction caused by the rumbling and some more insight into Eren's character

I like that this chapter showed perspectives from both the initiator of the rumbling (Eren) and the victims of his choice. It makes you sympathize with Eren, but at the same time, terrifies you with the price humanity has to pay.

Definitely one of the most depressing, if not the most depressing chapter thus far. Isayama brilliantly handled the transition between Eren's despair and the result of Eren's despair (Rumbling). Beautiful artwork. Great cliffhanger. Definitely a 9/10.

Tragic, Terrifying, Heartbreaking also Awesome because atleast AruAni became somewhat cannon

beautiful art as usual

The freedom scene with kid eren is the most beautiful/horrifying scene of the manga.

I also loved the Annie and Armin talk, anyone who says it's shipping cringe is a child, this was a long time coming and it was executed beautifully. (I also love how Hitch was mentioned twice, she would be proud of Armin this chapter.)

Ramzi and Halil deaths were the saddest part of this chapter, and I don't know about Ymir, but I guess she's helping Eren.

The panel showing the wall titans faces, especially the one shown on the right with empty eye sockets, gave me the chills. Can't wait to see how things will go down between the gang and Eren.

  WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER’S MVP? 2,144 responses

This month giving us the most harrowing chapter in a while made it feel wrong to be looking for an MVP amidst all this despair, and almost half of you agree (47.5%). Just over a quarter of you believe the Eren focus earned him the spot (28.9%), with 9.4% choosing Armin and 9.1% selecting best bros Ramzi and Halil. A distant minority of you chose Annie and Birb, the former of which coming dead last. Poor Annie, you’ll be more popular than a bird one day.

the true mvp was the depression we got along the way

Eren needs a hug

Eren needs to be put down.

I really admire the way Isayama deeply makes you care for a character in a few panels, like he did for those two - relatively unknown - boys.

Annie is the best girl

birbs are the rreak mvp since chap 1

  EIGHT MONTHS AFTER FIRST APPEARING IN THE MEMORY SHARDS, WE GET FEZ-KUN’S STORY.  DID IT LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS? 2,121 responses

Only a month ago, the fandom had no idea what to make of the mysterious Fez-Kun. The plucky pickpocket had a simple but effective story, and knew more secrets than he could possibly have understood. A perfect half of respondents were pleasantly surprised with Fez kid’s part in the story. 41.2% were content as it was about what they expected. 6.2% wanted to see a more in-depth picture but alas, that chance has been crushed mercilessly along with Ramzi’s hopes and dreams (and… the rest of him). 2.5% just weren’t into anything that let Eren lean into some morally black territory. Don’t worry, there are still plenty of grey shades here. Very dark shades of grey.

I didn't expect Ramzy's story to be expanded on, but it's so brutal to see the man he's been talking to killing him, his brother, his family and his hopes.

I know Ramzi and Halil were plot devices, but damn their death hit hard.

I think Eren saving Ramzi is foreshadowing. He knew Ramzi was gonna die in rumbling, yet he saved him. Same will happen, after someone reaching him and reminding him who he is, Eren will stop this madness and die. Or I wanna be hopeful.

even if i'm satisfied with Ramzi's story, I wish there would have been more to it because it is a tiny bit dissapointing but it's more or less what I expected.

Ramzi and Halil didn’t deserve death

i think everybody who dies in this rumbling will get back alive same will happen to halil and ramzi they will come back alive

Ramzi and Halil's deaths were so horrible but so good to see, because this is what it means when you destroy the world. You don't get to pluck out the nice ones and enjoy killing the bad ones. It's the height of cruel selfishness. And no amount of apologies changes that.

Ramzi and Halil deserved so much better

  WHY WAS EREN DISAPPOINTED THAT HUMANITY EXISTED OUTSIDE THE WALLS? 2,117 responses

There’s been disagreement over exactly what Eren meant when he said he was disappointed that humanity existed outside the walls and our poll reflects that. Just over a third of the fandom (34.2%) take Eren’s words literally and believe that his disappointment was with any existence of humanity since it marred his pristine childhood vision. The second most popular option is that he was disappointed in the attitudes, selecting “he was disappointed to discover all of humanity was filled with violence and oppression” (29.5%). We deliberately left off an “All of the above” option but that didn’t stop more than 50 people from writing it in.

He is disappointed at the fact that he has to fight humans with homes, families, pasts and futures and not mindless titans.

It's also a clear contrast between the outside world Armin envisioned and the one Eren wanted. Armin genuinely wanted to know more about it, Eren wanted his worldwide natural park to walk on. When it was full of civilization, he wanted to get rid of it. Like any typical villain wanting to purify the Earth of all the worms infesting it.

When he discovered that humans are just as cruel within the walls as without, it put his entire journey into perspective. He could not be Eren the hero or Eren the explorer and ultimately meant that the sacrifices made by his comrades were negligible in comparison to the big, cruel world , at least in his own mind.

He thought of all the beautiful landscapes and stuff that Armin showed him. Too bad there's these stupid humans in the way. Makes sense to eliminate the entire human population ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Everyone's fight against titans was pointless and the people who caged them could enjoy the things that Eren will never experience. The world is not a uninhabited landscape open to explore it, the world didn't need them and their freedom wasn't a possibility to enjoy it like the others civilizations do.

The world was out there and yet they did NOTHING to help Eldia

yes, eren is disappointed because there are now more enemies. but more than that, he's disappointed that they're not the monsters he's imagined them to be. that he can't kill them without feeling guilt and remorse.

he would never be able to enjoy the freedom he wanted because the clock is ticking and he will have to keep on resisting the whole world till the end without ever having time to properly realize his dream

I think he's disappointed in the fact that he's feeling sorry for humanity outside the walls just like Reiner used to feel sorry about people inside the walls. When he discovered Reiner was a traitor, he especially hated that part of his behavior, and how he realizes they're not that different, and in any case he's worse because at least Reiner had his child soldier brainwashing as an excuse

His disappointment is as bad as it sounds, having to deal with humans outside the walls was too bothersome for him and when the option to wipe them out was available to him, he was more inclined to take it, instead of fight for another resolution.

Typical privileged White boy outraged by prejudice and hatred OUTSIDE the walls, as if that didn't exist in Paradis already.

Any hopeful expectation Eren had of the outside world were completely decimated. Not only did he discover that humanity hadn't perished, but they actively contributed to or blissfully ignored Paradis' hell. In addition, the outside world is exploiting one other for resources. Paradis’ synthetically concocted hell is just part of a game to the outside world (there’s some uncomfortable real-world allusions here and I think it’s important that it’s being explored). Eren thought he was the saviour of humanity only to discover everything's he's done was for naught, humanity's the problem in his eyes.

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF EREN’S CONTRADICTORY NATURE? 2,106 responses

Deciding to crush the vast majority of the world and its citizens kind of takes a mental toll on people. Who knew? 48% of respondents think Eren’s emotional breakdown side by side with determination to reach freedom at any cost is simply him deciding the results will be worth his immense guilt. 23.2% think it’s a very human case of cognitive dissonance, and that Eren’s just trying to juggle his conflicting values. 19.2% believe his mental state is fraying at the seams reminiscent of the way Reiner’s did. 6.8% don’t buy that there’s any contradiction being shown here.

He was willing to throw away his humanity to become the monster that brings change

He's being a hypocrite. His guilt doesn't hold any value because it's entirely his choice. He's apologizing because there's no greater good, just his selfish dream.

He's never been okay, it's just that we're finally seeing him for who he is without the "protagonist illusion".

I don't think it's contradictory though. He's grieving sure, but he's also going along with his plan. Because he wants to be free.

He's not mentally stable and it shows

He's to some extent influenced by the Shingeki and/or its previous holders

He's trying to convince himself that humanity is evil sl he won't feel guilty about what he's doing

Hes a fully grown adult who knows better, no matter how bad he feels he doesnt deserve sympathy

The future cannot be changed and Eren is a slave to the attack titan's objective to push foreward

This chapter shows a lot of parallel between Eren and Reiner, he even said himself that he's worse than Reiner in the genocide that he's created. says himself that

What a fucking asshole

When Eren saw the future he knew the rumbling was inevitable so he is the one having to carry to burden of being ‘humanity’s enemy’ whether or not it was Eren to fulfill the rumbling it would’ve happened either way so he isn’t immediately a devil

Erens nature isn’t contradictory. He’s just now becoming self aware of the impact of his violent nature

He feels guilty about his actions and feels sorry for people who are going to be killed, but on the other hand - he is selfish and will do everything to reach his perfect reality.

Humans are an amalgamation of their actions. They sometimes arrive at destinations they did not fully intend. They may also realize too late that the path that they’ve set down is leading them in a direction they are not happy with, but eren is too far gone. He’s sane, understands he is objectively evil, but cannot turn back.

He totally snapped and turned into the psychopath that was sleeping inside of him for a long time. It was indeed very dangerous to entrust him with more power than he can handle.

Isayama did the same thing with Zeke. I think he likes the idea of the cool, mysterious guy, but it falls flat when the motivation doesn’t line up & the characters turn out to be crying & weak to fit the narrative once it’s revealed.

I don't know how to word this, but he is caged in his own vision to the point where any human decency and the ability to think is killed. Only a selfish, hateful and childish shell remained that is throwing a tantrum over his childbook fairytale not being true. It's not the same as Reiner, because Eren chose this. He wanted this, it is his fault. He had the power to stop this, but didn't. He can apologize as much as he wants, but he isn't feeling sorry at all.

He feels guilty, which is why he is having a mental breakdown like Reiner.

He’s having a mental breakdown but it's worse than Reiner's

painfully obvious this chapter was just Eren trying by all means to justify the Rumbling. Not because of some noble intention or cornering them into the inevitable, but just because he wanted to erase the world.

the eren reiner parallels man.. they never stop

  IN HIS FINAL MOMENTS, RAMZI SEES AN APPARITION OF YMIR. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 2,104 responses

Ymir has finally appeared since we last saw her in chapter 122, and her presence as well as motivations are seemingly shrouded in mystery. Over a third believe she is watching everything but not necessarily feeling good or bad about it (32.1%), and some of you think she may be questioning her decision (16.2%). A minority of you opted to choose that her appearance means she is enjoying seeing it unfold (9.6%), or that we are witnessing a phenomenon related to titan deaths that have occurred all this time (7.5%). The most popular choice, however, (34.6%) is simply expressing bewilderment at the Evangelion-esque shenanigans we’re seeing.

Ymir could be the one doing all the actions of destruction since Eren let her free.

i really think after ymir appeared again even tho eren freed her that she's regretting giving him the founder's power and will have a role is taking him down

the presence of Ymir intrigues me and I hope that in the next chapter we will have her point of view.

I think Ymir is the one who's been pulling the ropes for a long time. Whenever Eren thinks there might be another way (especially throught he disappearance of the Eldian race) he compulsively thinks that he just CAN'T accept that, like there's a force driving him towards seeking freedom.

I hope that Ymir appearance means that she is counting and seeing Eren victims so she can create them Again without Eldian hate

Ymir being outside, and Kid Eren appearing in the paths might have a connection. Ymir was a grownup when she was killed but inside the paths she was shown a kid. Same as Eren being shown in the paths. This might signifies Eren is not in control of the situation but Ymir is.

I have had theories for a while about Ymir possibly turning on Eren, whether this is to save the world to show she is better than Eren, or to bring Paradis to destruction as well to show she is just as bad.

WHAT IN THE EVA?

Loved the Evangelion reference. YAMS YOU MADLAD!

Ymir might be the true enemy

WHAT THE FUCK IS YMIR AYANAMI DOING THERE?  

  WHAT IS KID EREN DOING HERE? 2,099 responses

Child Eren appears in one of the most stunning panels of the chapter, but what does it mean?  Two options came out on top, with the idea that Eren is mentally regressing to a child (37.9%) edging out that it’s symbolism comparing child Eren to current Eren (36.1%).

I think we are going to see different Eren during the rumble, the past with Eren as a child, the future perhaps with a more mature or elderly Eren and the Eren of the present.

Adult Eren is incapacitated and Kid eren took his place through paths, will wake up for the "see you later, Eren"

Adult Eren unknowingly brought kid Eren’s consciousness to the present while he was sleeping under the tree. This is part of his “dream” that he had at the beginning of the story.

It is symbolises Erens mentality as a kid and how his flawed ideology doesn't hold up to the real world he faced outside of the walls. Also to cope.

Eren is the only character who cannot overcome the cycle of violence, so he will die.As you know, only without people can you become absolutely free, so he enjoys it when he realizes that nothing else binds him.

He has taken over paths from ymir, but since he is not bound by anything, he can do whatever the hell he wants, and is the reason he connected to armin while speaking to him.

It shows that Eren is not fully in control of the PATHS. For example in this scene, he remembers Armin because of his memory as a child talking about freedom with Armin then Armin suddenly appears although Eren himself didn't wish for something like that to happen thus it's just to show that PATHS connecting all Subjects of Ymir even in different timeline.

This links in with Floch... Eren loves Floch.

He was dreaming about the past and accidentally used the power of the Founder to show his younger self a vision of the Attack Titan's current point of view.

He's a sociopathic freak

It is symbolic of his old dream that he will have to give up on soon.

Can I say all of the above again? I saw it as a representation of Eren in his most pure, idealistic state which is then contrasted by the realistic horror of the destruction he is causing.

Brought into the present by adult Eren to give his younger self a taste of freedom without all the guilt. This is the beginning of the long dream kid Eren awakes from in Chapter 1.

Child Eren's Evangelion/Devilman(Crybaby)-esque "elation" seems like a metaphorical emotional release (and P A T H S shenanigans).

Something about the kid-Eren “freedom” scene is just so incredible and impactful; fully restored my faith that Isayama will deliver an amazing finale for this masterpiece.

THE MORE I LOOK AT THIS PANEL THE MORE MY HEART HURTS. ITS SO BEAUTIFUL YET SO DAMN FUCKED UP. GOD. FRICK. FRIIIICKKKKKK

  KID EREN FINALLY WITNESSES “THAT SIGHT”, BUT WHAT DID HE ACTUALLY SEE? 2,113 responses

The world-shattering reveal almost a year ago of Eren gaining an important glimpse into the future, characterised as “that sight”, was finally answered in this chapter -- or was it? The majority of you believe kid Eren was merely enjoying the view from above that filled him with freedom, blissfully ignorant to the carnage of the rumbling (50.8%). Close to a quarter (23.8%) think he was able to see the rumbling but was enjoying the freedom in spite of it, with a small portion (5%) believing all the death was a part of his glee. Some aren’t yet sold on the idea that this is “that sight”, perhaps believing we will see it later (20.4%).

I don't think that his inner child is aware of the rumbling. He is only focused on the scenery and wants Armin to see that too.

A world without any walls is what kid eren always wanted to see. Through paths, kid eren achieved this (without seeing the death)

  HOW WILL ARMIN BEING ABLE TO SEE KID EREN THROUGH PATHS AFFECT THE PLOT? 2,114 responses

Child Eren showing up was confusing enough, but he had to see Armin through paths too!?  What does it mean!?  A majority, at 55.5% think it foreshadows Armin’s coming importance in whatever the endgame turns out to be. Almost a third, at 28.6% think that it also opens up the possibility for other characters to connect with Eren through paths.

Armin was the person Eren has been sharing his dreams with. He is mentally showing his friend that the realisation of their dreams is finally at hand.

Eren can call forth anyone he wants, but if he doesn't want to see them I'm not sure if they could get to him

It foreshadows Armin and Eren clashing on a deeper level. I don't think anyone can actually stop Eren at this point.

Eren is so suped up with in this final form and with Ymir's "support" that when he thought about Armin it created a link through the paths.

Armin gets to briefly see the old "idealistic" Eren again. The one he can somewhat see eye-to-eye with and incidentally "created".

I think it might be just a visual metaphor on how Armin and Eren never really understood each other while sharing the same dream and that Armin is realizing that (I mean that the dream of "seeing the outside world" didn't mean the same thing to them). Or it might be that Eren is in a comatose sort of state and that since he technically is in control of paths, his thoughts are "sent" to Armin since he's reflecting on their shared dream

It shows Eren and Armin both want the same end goal. Though they disagree on the means of getting to it

The world is not like the one he saw in Armin's book. Hence why he contacted him, this is his way of reaching for his vision of freedom that he was denied because of the trauma of the wall.

Reference to the ocean scene where Eren was depressed and Armin excited, now its reversed

  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ARMIN AND ANNIE’S TALK ON THE SHIP? 2,124 responses

While this tiny moment of apparent romance was a delight for the 20% of the fandom who expressed “Whoo hoo Aruani is canon!!”, the remaining 80% were slightly more subdued in their reaction. The largest percentage (35.3%) was happy that the build up between their characters had some payoff. The second most popular selection had nothing to do with Armin or Annie at all with “I just wanna know what’s up with the birds” garnering 26% of the vote. Lastly, 11.2% felt like this moment was completely out of place, selecting “Now’s not the time for love drama Isayama.”

We better see Armin and Annie kiss next chapter

The Armin/Annie was not that necessary, I’d loved way more a more "group" discussion with Mikasa, Jean n Reiner in it. Old 104th days style

Besides the shipping moment, Annie just came to terms with that she’s still not alone, which is huge for her character

I'm not sure if Isayama knows how unnatural aruani is. These two had a grand total of 3 interactions, and sparing each other still isn't prone to romantic feelings blooming on either side.

a bad fking attempt by isayama at romance, should have stuck with eren historia love child

The aruani was unexpected but nice xD I don't exactly ship them but they are cute in this chapter(I can't help but feel one of them is getting a death flag because of this though💀)

What about them talking about all the shit she did or has been through? I wanted to see that.

SHE'S NOT TAKING MY MAN ISTG SHE'S NOT ON MY WATCH

Ship and let ship, this is actually a very intresting pairing and I think the scene flowed very naturally. But I still hope that in the future manga focuses more in the plot and not in the ships. I'd hope the same from fandom, but of course that's too much to ask...

This was a nice moment away from death and destruction

They’re definitely gonna die soon

am i the only one who don’t ship annie and armin? like bro... she squashed your little friends like bugs

Yoo bitch AruAni is canon LETSS FUCKING GOOO Love this cinnamon couple..More canon couple please Yams!

CANT BELIEVE ARMIN IS TRYING TO GET A GF WHEN MILLIONS R DYING HES FR A HOE🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

I only saw Bertolt there.

Maybe it's just me but i dont see anything romantic about the scene to me i prefer the weird friendship they have

While it seemed slightly out of place I’m glad Isayama touched on their “therapy sessions”.

Oh God no please don’t do this, Annie isn’t they type of character that needs any sort of romance in her story to be happy

Both aruani is canon 🥳 and wtf Isayama not the time…

c'mon falling for an enemy uncounscious girl with whom you have wangsty once-sided talks, a girl you manipulated to capture and used as a bait against enemies, really ???

They’re finally talking, I’ve been waiting so long for them to talk things out, also I really like Annie’s character development! And finally CANON, I’ve been waiting for sooooo long!!!!!!

I selected the bird because I feel threatened by it but also WOO HOO ARUANI IS CANON

I really enjoyed the scene between Annie and Armin. I think it further cements AOT as a very human narrative. They both know there are bigger things going on, but that doesn't allow them to turn off their very human emotions, which come out in a moment of rest. I don't believe this will necessarily lead to more romantic scenes between them, unless the ending of the story is far more hopeful than I expect it to be.

  WHY DO YOU THINK EREN APPEARS TO BE IN A SLEEP-LIKE STATE? 2,088 responses

Not long after his grand arrival on the shore, Eren seems to be having a little nap. 45.3% of respondents think he’s relying on his base instincts for his walk around the world. 15.8% think he’s wide awake but just trying to ignore the squishy things he’s stepping on. Turns out it’s actually pretty tiring to declare war on the world, or so say 14.2% of you. 12.1% think it’s no coincidence his apparently sleepy face was shown right after the intense stare of birb, and 8.8% think that the image hints at a secret puppet master pulling Eren’s strings. We received a lot of comments suggesting Ymir might be the big bad after all - now how is Eren gonna earn that sweet sweet freedom if he’s not willing to bust a few billion skulls, eh?

He left the Attack Titan on auto-mode

i just wish to know that....now that Eren has a long ass neck.....will he come back as a human or....he will be like this forever

Symbolic of the fact that he isn’t really seeing the sight. It’s a fools errand like Eren’s goal.

I think it is symbolic. The 'adult' in him is sleeping while the 'child' in him is taking the reigns.

His consciousness has been transferred to his titan's brain. He's essentially an Attack Titan battery .

He is dreaming, ignorant to the destruction below and seeing the freedom he envisioned as a kid.

his consciousness is in PATHS dimension and he's controlling things from there

How the fuck is he sleeping when the wall titans are executing complex commands, like diving under ships and surrounding the city?

I don't think he is sleeping. He rather looks beaten and devastated and just numb to what he is doing in order to cope.

I figure that bc he's so big, he kind of has to be like this. Normally when he's in his titan with his eyes open, he's being active. I think that although he's set the titans in motion, he's in a more passive role now. He also can't be all that active when he's that huge, right?

I honestly don't know. I can speculate its connection to Ymir's apparition and child Eren's lucid dream?

He's irrevocably fucked thanks to good old Gabi and her rifle.

He's losing his will to live.  Also leaves an opening for Armin to wake him up like he did in Trost.

HE'S THE SLAVE NOW

Maybe he is actively controlling / managing something else at the time? Maybe something crucial we don't know about yet, I don't believe that he is just exhausted.

His adult self is asleep now because his child self is having fun in his perfect world. Eren is mentally weak as adult but his inner child is strong and is reaching everything Eren always wanted - freedom and happiness.

He’s unable to regenerate due to controlling all the colossal titans, or just won’t because he wasn’t in Titan form when his head was blown off, meaning he will eventually die

i feel as if having eren not be in control would be mildly disappointing because the manga has done so much to set up erens decent into madness and how his actions became so extreme, i would be disappointed if all of that went to waste.

I would guess that Eren might be sifting through future memories at the moment. Looking at the "unknown world"/"the scenery" that made him smile wistfully instead of being horrified/the thing "beyond hell" Eren mentioned to Falco.  

His adult self is sleeping now, while his young self is having fun.

I think hes not fully in control (maybe ymir calling the shots)

I'm kinda torn between him operating on base instincts and him being controlled by someone (Ymir?) so I'm gonna go with both as the possibility.

Maybe he really doesn't want this? I think Ymir's the one in control

Ymir is controlling him

He is not the one driving this titan, Ymir is.

Really? You talk about his eyes being closed and not the fact that he has the neck structure of a turkey!?

  THE FINAL PAGE ENDS ON ARMIN’S HOPEFUL WISH FOR THE EXISTENCE OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD HE ENVISIONED AS A CHILD, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK? 2,101 responses

Despite the darkness this chapter brought to the story, Armin ends on a hopeful note. The top two options were 36.8% thinking there’s a possibility Armin will in fact be able to stop Eren. and 33.7% believe Armin to be too optimistic, and that it won’t pan out the way he wishes.

Armin's recalling of his childhood dream with Eren in the last page made me think there's still a hidden solution to resolve the dilemma.  

This chapter also shown Armin not wanting to give up with reconciling the Eren he wanted to see and the actual Eren. He hears no evil.

Tragic ending, yes, but I don't think Armin's hope is misplaced all the same. I think Eren cannot be stopped without death, but I also don't think the entire world will be destroyed, and I don't think it will end hopelessly.

Either Armin’s gonna save humanity or everybody just dies the end 😹

That one bird that was perched on the ship might be the symbol of peace. But I'm not sure how that peace is going to be achieved if the option's still on the table.

I hope the alliance is able to save Eren from doing this unthinkable sin.

Probably a blossoming hope through Armin breaking Eren from Ymir's plan uwu

I think Armin could join/support Eren

  THIS CHAPTER CONTINUED THE BIRD MOTIF, THIS TIME HAVING A FOCUS ON SCENES ENDING WITH A BIRD STARING DIRECTLY AT A CHARACTER. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?! 2,067 responses

The Spy Birds theory seemed a bit nutty last month, but I don’t trust that seagull one bit. And it looks like many of you agree because that nutty theory has gone mainstream! The majority of respondents (54.1%) think that the birds are under the influence of a higher power, mainly that of Eren (27.4%) or Ymir (26.7%). 26.6% don’t think the birds are suspicious, they’re just free, man. 13% just reckon Isayama has moved on from his love of drawing thicc horses, and birds are the cool new animal. No complaints here. But I still don’t trust that seagull.

The birds are up to something

Animals sense danger coming from nature before humans do.

bird is symbol for freedom, but some bird like crow and raven in some culture are symbol for death.

I think that pigeons are watching me through P A T H S

Black birds symbolize the people's doom , white bird that flew to armin symbolises hope

black birds: death ; seagul: garbage :))) I dunno, the seagul was so random. It means they are approaching the shore?

EREN IS BRAN STARK IN AOT UNIVERSE LET'S GOO

I dont sure its eren or ymir. But i hope there is something about bird. I hope there are a huge plot twist

Might be another Odin parallel if Eren is using them, but I don't really see why he'd bother. I don't think he needs to do recon.

FREEEEEEEDOOOOOM

Last time I thought that the bird theory was a little far-fetched but now I think that's 100% the deal. That seagul is just somehow way too focused on to be just a random animal.

I commented in the previous poll that the birds are surveillance cameras and i’m even more convinced now. And isn’t it poetic that the Wings of Freedom logo is made up of a pair of black and white wings, representing the different interpretations of freedom pursued by Eren and Armin.

This is all just a Genjutsu by Itachi

my personal favorite theory, it’s zeke seeing everything transpire through the power of the beast titan

Pure!Boy Armin gets the seagull because he still has DREAMS and Eren gets crows because he wants to feast on human flesh.

WHAT'S UPP WITH THE BIRDS AAAAAAHHH TELL ME

I don't know but is really cool if you see it as a symbol of hope/freedom. Birds are the only kind who will not going to be tumble over the rumbling.

I think it's about the colors, black is dark, just like the destruction Eren is causing to the world (including Ramzi and Halil) and white is bright, just like the peace that Armin wished for and is aiming to achieve with the alliance

  HOW DID THIS CHAPTER AFFECT YOUR VIEWS ON THE RUMBLING? 2,100 responses

If we thought seeing the reality of the rumbling would be a game changer when it comes to our view of it, we were wrong. Only 5% of people who formerly supported it no longer do. For the rest of us 44% do not support the rumbling and 30% do. Most curiously, 21% claim to have no opinion. More on that below when we mirrored this question about our views on Eren.

I still don't support The Rumbling, I just want it to stop. It doesn't do anything good for anyone, even Eren himself, and this awfully awesome chapter proves it. I totally expect that via P A T H S.FM Armin and Mikasa could stop him (and save him, physical or psychologically, idk) . It's the only plausible way.

I think the rumbling is justified but I don’t think the civilians who had nothing against Erin don’t deserve to die.

I don’t think there is any other solution, and that’s the point… His outburst at Hange tells me that he was desperate for something. This is coming from Eren who can essentially see everything and inherited multiple people’s memories. If he couldn’t come up with it, I don’t think anyone else can (aside from Armin? But I’m not holding my breath). The 50-year plan was a delusional fantasy at best, technology would evolve rapidly and nullify any threat the Rumbling poses.

I was still kind of hoping Eren had something up his sleeve that wasn't mass slaughter, but I guess we're going there

I believe the full rumbling is a morally grey decision, but I’ll concede and say it’s on the darker end of the spectrum. ultimately eren will have to answer for what he’s done, necessary or not killing millions of innocent people is a horrible thing to do.

The world was never peaceful, and never will be. The Rumbling was inevitable, nothing could stop that.

  ON A SCALE FROM “IT’S JUST A FLESH WOUND” TO “HOLY SHIT THIS IS AWFUL”, HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PORTRAYAL OF THE RUMBLING?   2,110 responses

This probably didn’t need to be asked but we did it anyway. For the vast majority of us, the portrayal of the rumbling was overwhelming in terms of sheer horror. “It’s awful! I love it!” seems to be a common reaction.

Whelp... we wanted to see the rumbling. I guess be careful what we wish for.

I am once again reminded how gory SnK can be.

No holds barred. This is the sad, traumatic truth that we asked for.

RIP in pieces Clown-kun

At this point, it makes me sick to read pro-rumbling posts. Normally, when you like a villain or a morally grey character (Eren went past this point long ago) you enjoy seeing how their mentality works. And this is fully respectable, but not the "uuuh my baby did nothing wrong". If we did the same with our kings Floch and Zeke, it would be crazy, wouldn't it?

I’m glad the Rumbiling was shown in its full glory. It didn’t hide anything about the situation and was very gory. I’m glad we were shown what happened to the people during it, and not just after.

I can't feel engaged in the rumbling when it has been the default scenario since the sea, but more specifically 123. The boy had a death flag the size of Marley and now he's dead. Thanks for the shock, Yams. I'm interested in the potential of everything else. I hope I didn't follow this story for the final conflict to be whether to save more people or less people

It was great to see the Rumbling in its full gore. Isayama showed it masterfully and rly put emphasis on how terrifying and disturbing it is. I was never anti or pro of it before, bc I'm just enjoying the view as the reader, that didn't change, and I still like Eren bc he is a very entertaining character.

I loved seeing how awful everything was. Ofc in real life I wouldn't support it, but narratively? Wow!

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING BEST DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE RUMBLING? (MULTISELECT) 2,109 responses

This chapter didn’t hold back in its brutal display of the rumbling, and it may be difficult to find the words to describe it, so we gave you twelve. A clear majority are able to agree on it being both tragic and terrifying, closely followed by those who would describe it as unavoidable, distressing or immoral. The choices in the minority included describing the rumbling as awesome, justified or heroic. Fun fact, over a third of the people who chose “heroic” also described it as some combination of “excessive”, “immoral” and “indefensible”. Talk about mixed feelings.

  HOW DID THIS CHAPTER AFFECT YOUR VIEWS ON EREN? 2,093 responses

If we thought seeing the horrors of the rumbling would be a game changer when it comes to our view of the person who unleashed it, we were wrong. This chapter did nothing to change the minds of the 40% who support Eren and the 30% who do not. Only a minority (8.3%) said this chapter made their support for Eren wane.

We were most curious about the 20% who selected “I have no opinion.” When we’ve waited so eagerly for Eren’s POV, how could a quarter of the fandom be neutral on how it affected them? Was this a failure on Isayama’s part or were our poll options poorly worded? We decided that rather than having no opinion,  “I don’t know what to think yet” might have been the better cop out...err I mean *neutral* option :P

I was one of those that was convinced that there had to be something more to the Rumbling, and this chapter shocked me to my core by revealing that there really isn't. Eren is just that disturbed. We wanted Eren POV but we weren't ready for it. Now I just want to see how Armin and Mikasa end this.

i love eren so much nothing can make me hate him but he is insane... all this and for what. THEY COULDNT HAVE TALKED IT OUT??? i feel so bad for eren he clearly does not want to kill all those people man...

We finally have Eren's pov now; I still don't know how to feel about it, but I'll always support him.

Eren is a character who really disgusts me because of his fucked up delusion of fReEdoM but I love him at the same time because he's really well written, this boy is a fascinating mess.

This chapter seems to have made things pretty straightforward. Eren is a lot of things but he’s not one to go back on his word. He said he was gonna rumble and now he’s doing it.  Not sure why people are having a hard issue saying he wouldn’t have done it. Uhhhh hello he’s nuts

i get eren's side but i just wish that there was another way to bring freedom and justice without genocide

I support eren as a character, however if his actions were translated to real life I would disagree with them. At the end of the day, genocide is not ok. He could’ve wiped out military bases, but civilian deaths is not ok. HOWEVER, for the sake of fiction, & the fact that there’s no decent alternative, it’s team Yeager.

Deep down his choice is selfish and this is why he is ashamed of it, the rest are just justifications. And he is not the only character who has selfish objectives hidden over good intentions, Erwin fought for humanity, but deep down he wanted to prove his father right, and Reiner on his quest to "Save Humanity" was just a mask to become a hero.

Really I want to see Eren fufill his dream, I’m still supporting him.

Ymir might have a role to play in his mental state.

Not to support the rumbling or anything, but I do feel sorry for Eren. He's like a cornered animal that attacked in panic and that attack's freaking deadly.

Even though the rumbling is tragic, this is Eren truly getting his way, no matter what. It's a rare thing to see in any literary work, and although I'm curious as to what the downfall/tragedy of his character will end up being after this, I love it all because for what feels like the first time, a character with bad intent is using the god power to accomplish their goal, and I can't get enough of it.

  WHAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT EREN THIS CHAPTER 2,111 responses

Empathy for Eren is the theme for nearly 70% of the fandom with “I feel for him. He’s in a tough position” (43.7%) and “my heart aches for him” (22.1%) being the top two selections. On the opposite and more extreme ends of the spectrum, those who think he’s the greatest (15.1%) and those who think he’s the worst (14.9%) are nearly evenly matched. Interestingly only 4.2% expressed “I have no opinion” on this question compared to more than 20% on the question above.

Eren is my favorite character but I also don't support his actions.

I was disstressed for a few days after it.  How did it go to this? I kept reading this far just because I wanted Eren to be happy and have his happy ending, and what do we have now?..

I feel bad for eren, he's in a position no one would want to be, and he hates what hes doing no matter how much he needs to

This chapter could possibly stablish once and for all Eren as a unchangable character since he has reached a point of no return.

Eren is GOAT, the rumbling is wrong but I still love eren

This entire chapter just reaffirms the fact that Eren has always been a self absorbed, self-pitying child from the very beginning

I don't get how people can still support Eren just because he cried a little.

To think that all the shit that has happened since RTS (Sasha killed, Liberio attacked, Tybur murdered, Zackley assassinated, Nile and Pixis titanised, Levi forced to decimate his own titanised squad and then nearly dying, Jaegerist coup, Shadis beat up, Historia pregnant AND ANYTHING ELSE I'VE FORGOTTEN) is all because of some long, convoluted plan for one single boy's childish, problematically simplistic, black-and-white dream for "Freedom" is. I can't. I'm tired. Eren's pov is so outrageously outlandish that I can't relate. At all.

I cant feel bad for Eren, he is the only person responsible on his guilt and sadness. Also genocide is the worst option and even Eren says it.

He was sheltered his whole life; he has no proper context or framework for concepts like racism and war between humans. He “optimistically” thought his fight was that of human vs titan. That's why I don't blame him for coming to the Rumbling conclusion after the basement reveal. I give him a lot of credit for empathizing with "the other side" and I do believe Eren tried his best to come up with alternative solutions.

I feel for Eren, he was sold the idea of a perfect, peaceful, untouched world, ripe for discovery, filled with the beauty and awe of nature, but in reality it was full of cruel xenophobia people who hated his very existance. I don't support the rumbling but i understand why Eren did it.

Eren is obsessed with his perfect vision of "Freedom" where there are no limits to his will, but sadly for him, he lives on a reality where others exist and as long he has to interact with them, there are going to be limitations he is going to be bound. So even if he kills everyone outside the island, there is going to be another "wall" he needs to overcome.  

Seeing Eren cry and hear his doubts actually made me just more angry with him: "If you are so sad about the fate of the outside world then fucking change the future, don't just give up!!!!!!!" He seems to be very clung in the idea that the future is set and there is nothing he can do to change it.

Okay but look at Eren's centipedal Hell's creation's TINY BUTT. It's so funny seeing that little boney ass on this gigantic thing

  EREN SEEMS TO HAVE MANY MOTIVATIONS. HOW WOULD YOU RANK THEM?

This one was interesting. With this chapter’s iconic imagery of kid Eren spreading his arms declaring “this is freedom”, it’s unsurprising that most of us agree with that as a very important motivation for him. His friends were also chosen as a very important motivation, though not as much as his love for freedom. Historia and her child just edged out the motivation of the people of Paradis, though interestingly it has less “somewhat important” votes and more “not important at all votes”, making it clearly divisive even if it has more “very important” votes.. But the motivation with an even more divisive perception is revenge, with nearly an even split between those who view it as very, somewhat and not important at all.  

Everything Eren is doing is for the sake of his friends and Historia, there was no other choice to protect the island.

I think that the only thing what matters to Eren is freedom and reaching the perfect world he saw in his dreams after reading Armin's book. The dream of his inner child is playing the most important role in his life. Eren is ready to sacrifice his friends, his mentors and people on Paradis - just to see the special scenery and finally feel FREE.

Feel sad to see eren need to do all of this, but i know its for his friend and paradis

I hope that Eren doesn’t harm the alliance

  REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU FEEL POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY ABOUT EREN, DO YOU THINK HE IS BEING PORTRAYED AS A VILLAIN AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY? 2,098 responses

It’s truly a testament to Isayama’s strength as a writer when a character’s deliberate annihilation of billions is met with a majority response of “there are no villains or heroes here.” 57.1% think that as tragic as the situation now may be, nobody in this manga really qualifies as villainous. Or at least, not when our feisty protagonist is involved. 33.7% think the manga is a tale of a hopeful boy slowly turning to the dark side. 5.6% see this all as part of a hero’s tumultuous journey. Finally, 3.5% think it’s unfair to cast Eren as a villain since he’s not the one in control. Gotta say, if Eren is not the one destroying the world he really shouldn’t have said he was going to destroy the world.

This chapter just proves that Eren ISN'T a complete villain. I disagree with the rumbling, but what Eren's going through is something that I empathize with.This chapter just made it easier for me to keep rooting for everyone, even though a completely happy ending is not an option anymore.

I really hope Eren's in for a change of heart soon. I hate the idea of him being the final villain. He's definitely redeemable. Even he is eligible to have a dark foil and rival. Maybe we'll get that later on in Zeke who I feel is also redeemable.

More and more of the story is unveiled, I really like how this is going. Ever since knowing the outside world I have decided that Eren is no longer a hero but then he is not a villain either so does everyone in the story. I like Eren a lot but I'd say that I just like to observe, to see, never to support or to oppose. So this chapter is really amazing to me as I managed to see more about Eren.

eren is a villian whether you like it or not

I feel Walter white Vibe from Eren.

Eren is evil period!!!! There is no justification for mass murder. If he wants to savr his ppl then just wipe out the army, navy, air force, warriors and the leaders period not everyone including INNOCENT ppl....

EREN IS GOAT. He is portrayed as a hero who makes tough choices that no other shitty shonen character even can do.

Eren needs to stop the rumbling. It maybe justified his needs but the people outside the walls didn't deserved it. They're both each other's enemies. He used to say people outside the walls are monsters but he became one himself. He desired freedom but in the end he was a slave to his own desire.

Isayama could chose to make him some what of a villainous character, or he could chose to set it up as if eren is more of an anti hero doing then wrong things for the right reasons

  DESCRIBE THE CHAPTER IN ONE WORD 1,543 responses

No superlatives to describe how great or awesome this chapter was this month. The Rumbling hurt us all (well done, Yams, mission accomplished). That being said, it looks like we’re all masochists, considering this chapter is in the top 5 highest rated chapters since chapter 91.

Tragic [169; 4.69]

Sad [89; 4.73]

Pain [77; 4.86]

Depressing [69; 4.75]

Heartbreaking [48; 4.77]

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 2,089 responses

With what we want next chapter we find it especially surprising that the majority are ready to give Eren’s perspective a break. Since google sometimes fails us in displaying the data, we’ll just list it all out. Of the options we provided, our wishes for next chapter from most to least popular are: Let’s keep it with the Eren POV (23.4%), The alliance reaching Odiha (22.4%), WHERE TF IS LEVI??? (10.6%), I could go for a few more mental breakdowns (10.1%), More Ymir being mysterious (7.9%), WHERE TF IS LEVI??? (10.6%), SAVE US ZEKE (8.9%), Oh god go back to Historia please (8.5%), Finality for Floch (6%) and More birbs ovo (2.2%)

Yo where tf is Rico

I want to see levi

fuck yeah more mental break down, I'm ready to be depressed

I really want to see more of Armin and kid Eren in Paths next chapter. That one panel was super interesting and I would love to go back to it.

hurt me more isayama

Please yams I want to see Flochad kill Hange, that’s all I ask for.

Zeke returns next chapter pleaseeeee

HOPE WE GET TO SEE HOW THE ISLAND IS DOING NEXT CHAPTER

It's getting to the final and I don't like that

as only 3-4 chapters are left, I dont think we are going to get another eren POV, I am still dying to see the conditions of the other main characters, whereas zeke and floch are unfinished mysteries.

someone from alliance is dying soon

I've gotta see more Historia. What is she doing and thinking right now? What is her role moving forward?

Just shut up with historia in this survey. She's irrelevant. Now I hate answering your polls.Never again!

i literally don't know what to expect next chapter like yams is just THAT good

  WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 2,025 responses

The platforms where we discuss the series remain relatively unchanged with Reddit providing the plurality of responses. Thank you Reddit! We appreciate it. That said, we’d love to see this chart balance out a little more so please feel free to share the poll wherever you discuss the series. That includes the 5 of you degenerates on Snapchat.

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER? 553 responses

Uhhh *disappears*

ZEKE-KUN PLEASE BE A GOOD ONII-CHAN AND SAVE THE WORLD FROM YOUR TROUBLED LITTLE OTOTO

listen, birds are pretty cool ok

Beautifully tragic, exactly what I wanted to see from Eren after being shown in a villainous light for 30+ chapters. Being introduced to a new character, in particular an innocent child and then finally revealing his name and story was a perfect way to show the true horrors of an indiscriminate near-omnicide, it definitely brought tears to my eyes.

(😢) SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAEGER (😢)

As expected of Isayama-sensei, it's exactly right.

Annie being revealed as aromantic is the unexpected happy development in this tragedy.

Kiddos, the "it's just fiction" argument refers to the fact that you are allowed to *enjoy* watching fucked up things in fiction because people, in general, can distinguish between fiction and reality. It does not mean writing essays to *justify* said fucked-up things that happen in fiction, because you almost certainly start bringing your own real-life logic to fictional events. Aka, mixing up reality and fiction. Showing your true colors. Allowing your beliefs to slip into discussion. Whatever you call that.

THE BIRDS HAVE PATHS, I CALLED IT LAST CHAPTER!

Annie has always had a hard time expressing her feelings and that she has had complexes for a long time. I'm glad Armin was able to tell her what he was thinking because it will give Annie more confidence. Plus, Annie has always been introverted and I love that Isayama tells us more about her character.

The ravens are a reference to Odin’s, a mythology character. He has two ravens, they symbolise memory and mind/thought.

What a manga.

what eren did is right you can come up with any other solution

What in the everliving fuck is going on? Can we go back to factory reset and knock some sense into Eren before he starts having wild ideas like this one? Please

BEST SHIP FINALLY HAPPENING PROPERLY AHHHHH MY BOY ARMIN IS FINALLY TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS EVEN IF IT'S SUBTLE

If Eren is the bird he really is Armins WINGman.

I KNEW ARMIN LIKED ANNIE! But seeing Annie blush was a nice surprise. I thought she was the ice queen in terms of romance.

This poll is bias toward historia. I wish if y’all stop the shipping b.s

birds are supposed to symbolize freedom in most cultures, innit?

This chapter was so important to me. It showed the reality of the rumbling, and that scenery, and most importantly, Eren's true feelings on the genocide, including his now split younger self. He feels guilty about it, he knows it's bad yet he has to do it because he has no other option if he wants Paradis and everyone he loves to survive. During my life I have had a lot of instances where I had to sacrifice a lot  in order to survive, including disociating and splitting my personality in two, crushing my own feelings to do what had to be done, so characters like Eren are very relatable in that sense to me. In a kill-or-be-killed situation, there is no place nor time for doubts nor mercy and you have to do what you have to do.

Very interesting, trágico and raw, but also  liked the comparison between different concepts of the world and freedom between Armin and Eren. Also loved all the AruAni moments, they were not only adorable but also helped those two characters talk about things they needed to open up about since a long time ago lol.

I want to get off Mr. Isayama's Wild Ride

Am I the only one who can't take the alliance seriously?

Wasn't really feeling the AruAni moment, but other than that top tier chapter can't wait for more.

Armin possibly realizes Eren isn't in the right state of mind. If Eren is projecting himself as a child, then Armin might be able to come up with a plan to stop what he is doing.

Fantastic, worth the wait.

Fav chapter yet. Fall of Wall Maria got overthrown as the most depressing event in the series for me.

Favourite line in AOT :"SIT DOWN"

I don't want it to end, but I am very happy about the direction the manga is going.

I felt for eren

This chapter was legendary, it hit all the right notes for finally giving Eren's POV. The shot of child Eren above the clouds will go down as one of the best panels ever... also Eren's line about "disappointment"... fantastic it gave me chills.

I find ‘the cycle of revenge’ storyline tiring. I’ve seen it so many times before and there isn’t anything new being covered here. I just feel tired and sad honestly. My last (and probably unfulfilled) hope for the series would be for Levi to make it through this, work things out with Zeke without violence and be able to move on in his life. He could help the survivors of the rumbling and reestablish civilization, maybe open his tea shop, see the world, maybe fall in love. I don’t really care. I just want to see my boy alive and doing okay for himself. A ridiculous thought for this series, I know. With 3-4 chapters left I feel we will most likely just be left in a misery marinara. I’m soaking in it right now.

I have too many thoughts on this chapter, I wouldn't know where to begin

i wanted him to save ramzi, but i didnt at the same time?? i was glad he didnt spare him, but im sad he didnt?? i dont know why

I just want everything to end already

i just want the best ending for all characters, esp Eren.

I like how Isayama is pushing the cognitive dissonance that i have of what side i should choose.....he is really fuckin with me at this point. All the thinking has now made me kinda numb

I like Isayama drawing birds and see the art improvement through the chapters :D I announce August is the Eek Appreciation Month dedicated to the Wings of Freedom! EEEEEEEEEEEK

I like that it pretty much ended the discussion of Eren having other plans. He's been totally honest the entire time. If he had other plans, why'd he put his friend in danger by having them fight against him?

for real had to pause for a bit at many points in this chapter lmao

Maybe this is why he never talked to his friends- he didn't care about discussing what's right for them, he just wanted his FrEeDoM and would walk over children to get it.

Glad to see Armin and Annie being cute, they deserve a few moments of happiness.

Glad to see Eren’s thoughts and feelings about the rumbling. There are a lot of loose ends that I was hoping to have some answers for in this chapter but it didn’t happen in this chapter, which just made me more intrigued.

Glad to see that Eren's uncaring exterior was finally dispelled this chapter

God I can't see this ending good and I just really want this to be over soon. Never rooted as much for an MC to die as now.

Which of the following best describe how you feel about the rumbling?  Pointless, it won't achieve anything.

while i find aruani cute i still find it weird since she literally was crying the previous chapter. i was disappointed that we didn't get to see all the alliance

Why tf is Ymir in the realworld!?

WHENS MAHVEL

SS ARUANI GONNA RUMBLE THE SHIP HARDER THEN EREN RUMBLED THOSE POOR CHILDREN, TAKE THAT NONBELIEVERS no really, this was built up from s1, and they have wonderfully complementing personalities. Sad that half the fandom gets triggered from any het ship (and vice versa)

Crack theory: Eren has two personalities which is why he acts in contradictory ways. The "evil" nature is in kid Eren and the "good" nature is in the bird. There is no consciousness in his actual body anymore.

Genocide route best route

Way better than the last chapter. 130 was just good art and shipping bait which felt like it was forced for the sake of the end of a volume. This chapter was amazing and balanced its multiple purposes effortlessly, as opposed to the clunky nature of the previous chapters. Probably the best chapter since Ymir's backstory. I love how Armin tied into it, we haven't seen he and Eren's shared dream brought up for a while, as it had faded into background despite being such a driving force for both characters before the timeskip.

I was sure that the dichotomy between Eren's motivations was clearly between his friends/the people he wants freedom for, and his own quest to soothe the anger he has in his heart. Essentially is he doing this for love or hate. Yet we get a third motivation introduced this chapter, of him achieving his child self's dream of freedom in a wall-less world, and what do you know it's tied into "that scenery/that sight", Isayama you genius. What does this mean about those other motivations, though? Is everything false and it's just what Eren is telling himself? What's the lie? What's the truth? What to believe…

It might just be because Eren subconsciously called to Armin. So if more memories surface, more characters can talk with him potentially.

Time loop theory!

Timey Wimey P A T H S shenanigans.

Even if I'm not surprised, it's disappointing to see how Eren is the worst Jaeger after all. He used to make bad decisions trying to help "humanity", but now he just thinks he's right, when not even half of Paradis agrees with his ideas.

I hate Eren from the bottom of my heart. He's disgusting, a total piece of shit. And I love Isayama for giving me all these feelings. He's the real GOAT here.

Really made me wish Isayama hadn't gone for the ~mystery~ of Eren becoming the villain and had instead at least given us the flashbacks in chronological order. The way this long-awaited PoV reveal has been done has felt so clunky and awkward.

I honestly don't understand those who used to support the Rumbling but no longer do after this chapter; maybe they are the same kind of people that romanticized Omnicide and kept defending it as the  "morally correct thing to do"  and that they "would most certainly do it"  if they were in Eren's shoes... Until the reality hit them and all of their posturing like a bag of bricks - i.e. the typical edgy keyboard warrior.

As a pro-Rumbling fan, I always knew this was the expected outcome; if anything this chapter was everything I hoped that Isayama would show to us because it once and for all disproved the idea that Eren has a plan beyond the Rumbling. A Lelouch ending (which I hope doesn't happen) can still be pulled, but its not something that Eren is actively working torwards, but the end result if the alliance somehow stops him.

rumbling go brrrrrrrr

Zeke is controlling the bird with his beast Titan ability that he learnt from the paths realm

"what will my mother think of me?" Ashamed of you, eren, duh.

I really can't feel sorry for eren when this is ultimately the choice he made. There were always other choices up until the point where he killed many world leaders in his attack on Marley.

A bit sappy but understandable. From a egoist point of view Eren is justified in his actions, but of course this just reaffirms the Eldians "monstrous" nature to them. The Eldians dont have a realistic out unless the titans are truly gone forever if Eren loses. Curious about the birds.

A freckled girl appeared. That's progress.

BRUTAL.

Also what about the Eldians living outside of Paradis Island? IMO they are the ones suffering the most

Can he even be stopped?

Can people stop saying that because you enjoy the direction of the story that you’re a genocide supporter? I like shooter games too but I’m obviously not going to go kill anyone, everyone needs to chill out with the moral policing, you sound like the Tipper Gore crowd. Is the rumbling justified? No, but it’s a great direction for the story and it was inevitable once it was established what was in the walls. Chekhov’s gun had to go off sometime, I’m actually surprised how many people seem to be agonizing over this.

Can't put it into words how amazing AOT has become and is just stepping over each level taking one step at a time !!!

Can't wait till next one

Changed the opinion of many people on eren's genocide

Chapter confirmed Eren is NOT the father

Cruel just like the world

This chapter re-assured me that that first scene of Mikasa is the moment she says goodbye to a dying Eren.

Damn bro it’s great

Dang. When this is animated, I guarantee a lot of youtubers and just the anime fandom in general will think this is the best series of all time.

Eren is one of the best MCs of all time.

Eren is one of the most tragic characters on manga

Eren is the best protagonist

Eren is the GOAT but is also wrong and needs to die real soon

EREN IS THE GOATTTT. AOT IS THE GOATTTT. ISAYAMA IS THE GOATTTT.

Eren is truly the best developed main character from any shonen series, this chapter made my mind.

Eren loses it, again

great job Isayama. well done you madman

Great painfull chapter, Eren having a breakdown Made me so sad and depressed,  I wish him to achieve freedom

Greatest manga of all time

greatest piece of fiction of our generation

Hange is right, this is not an acceptable solution

I cried while reading it no joke

I don't even know what to say about Eren. Sure, this chapter is showing his guilt, but that definitely does NOT justify his actions. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, YEAGERISTS, EREN STANS!!!!!! (sorry I'm just angry about him)

I still think there needs to be a twist, because for me the character development still doesn't work. Eren and Historia have both forgotten common sense and do awful stupid things for stupid, hollow (plot) reasons, and the 104th this entire arc have both become somewhat useless and self-righteous at the convenience of the author. I don't care if the whole arc happened this way just because clearly Isayama wants to have the rumbling as the last arc, but if this was his objective he should have been more focused on character consistency and less on the mystery of it all. It still all feels less like the choices of actual characters than plot convenience, and it gives me the same sensation of the Serumbowl, which I thought was the nadir of the series.

If truly there's won't be some last minute twist it's just bad character writing in service of a plot decided in advance. Same with Historia and the 104th. Who cares about character consistence? Not Isayama, apparently

For some reason Eren wants Armin to the what his is doing.

Honestly, of all the characters Armin is the last I'd want succeding in stopping Eren. Let Mikasa have the spotlight, damn it.

Beautiful pain

Beautifully drawn but very gory

a person can gladly become a devil or a god if he has to, for justice.

A truly sad and terrifying chapter. I never understood how anyone could support this. Don't get me wrong. I understand plotwise why it had to happen. I knew Isayama would show us this. This part was unavoidable for the story he's trying to tell. Doesn't mean I have ever supported it, or that I ever will. But hey at least Aruannie is cannon, so that's a silver linning to this absolutely horrible chapter.

PS. I never wanted to punch a fictional character in the face as much as I want to punch Eren's. Alas, he's not real and I will never get the satisfaction of doing that.

Adding onto child eren's freedom panel, i believe it represents the idea of freedom he had wished for before he was betrayed by the world itself.

All hail the mad king

All that suffering, for what. You won but at what cost

IT MAKES MY HEAD SPIN AND THE FORSHADOWING BUILD UP TO THIS CHAPTER IS JUST *chefs kiss*

It really shows that Attack On Titan isn’t an ordinary story. It is a storyline filled with emotions, tragedies and somehow the cruel reality that this world possesses.

It shifted through a lot of POVs, it was pretty good.

It showed the rumbling and Eren in much more impartial way.

It was crazy to finally see in Eren's Head but all it did was confirm the things I was thinking for awhile and put me more on his side.At this point I'm ride or Die Eren Yaeger just so I can see how this all ends.

It was good, but I wish we would've gotten more with the rest of the crew going to Marley.

Listen, I really love Eren, I have deeply felt for him. I still do, I relate too much with his own traumas but since the timeskip. I have distanced myself from him and I don't and have never supported on his stance for genocide because he set this up with Zeke and pushed Marley to go into war while they didn't want it in the first place. However I have too much of a strong emotional connection to him so I understand him and I admit, it made me doubt a little bit on some of my stances. Since Eren is so different from who he was back before the timeskip, I have always assumed and the manga has not proved me wrong, that he's being influenced by something or someone which is feeling on his traumas, anger, depression and dissapointments. So I am still extremely optimistic about him.

Jesus Fucking Christ

its funny how the dream dies with reality

Its great to finally get some of Erens thoughts but it’s just made me think he’s not acc the one in control

My tears create a whole new ocean.

no opinion really, chapter felt kinda flat and repetitive in parts

Alliance supporters learning that Eren is suffering with all this shit and isn't trash and pitiful like their hypocrite babies who were genociding their own people in the last 32 volumes.

Amazing. The way Eren developed from this angsty little child to someone who's willing to kill everyone to achieve his childhood dream and save his pals is truly wonderful.

Rumbling go wee

I found it tragically ironic that Eren just has a passing thought of what his mom would think of his actions, and it reminds me of how he wouldn’t listen to her when he was younger. Do you think this is a subtle indication that Eren hasn’t matured from the thought processes of a selfish boy, or does he truly hold weight and more consideration to what his mother (and other people) would think? Personally, I think he is more aware of outside views, but just refuses to accept that reality because he is so stuck on his own desires.

It's one of the pivotal scenes because atleast I know that within Eren he still at somepoint have consicience and shows that at somepoint he can be stopped.

Rumbling goes rumble

Eremin <3

Yams makes me confused! I dunno!

Collosal Titans go brr

CONFUSING IN WAY TOO MANY PARTS!!! where to start or stop... from ymir to bird to child eren is all confusing af but nice :)

Depression and depression

Did we really need to spend that many pages on that AruAni BS? So much for fucking 5% being left.

Dis gon be good

Let's get the final confrontation underway!

Welp, there is absolutely no defying it: Eren is the big bad and there is no secret plan to make it up.

Let’s get ready to RUUUUUUUUMBLE!

LETS FUCKING GOOO

Levi and Hange convo when? Armin and Annie end of the world sex when? Jean confessing to Mikasa when? Floch suprise killing Connie or Jean when? Floch getting thrown over board to die at sea rather than being shot when?

LOLZ at anyone still defending the rumbling after this chapter portraying it as something heroic or justifiable

Make me feel. Make me feel more.

Man, this is rough.

Overall well rounded chapter. Time to get back to alliance and Historia after this though.

Poor Eren. But I kind of understand.

Ppl who are calling Eren GOAT or saying they were only sad in this chapter bc Eren cried are legit psychopaths.

Seeing Eren’s POV and reasoning behind pursuing the rumbling makes me feel for him. We know he cares about his friends, paradis, etc. I am at a loss of words for this chapter. However I will say this, Armin in paths with Eren is not a coincidence. I think isayama is foreshadowing of a conversation THEY’VE ALREADY HAD, and what’s to come..

Isayama is being stingy about letting his characters talk to each other properly. I mean really how many scenes do we have left on this boat while the rumbling goes on? When there’s still so much to be said. Wasted chapter imo, a lot more could’ve been said and done.

E+H=Y

Eren confirmed that he will kill everyone. The rumbling cannot be stopped.

Even though we have gotten some insight on Eren's pov, it has created more questions than answers. His motives are still very confusing and we are still being kept in the dark

Every chapter update makes me sad :( the story has gotten so tragic and i love it but oof. I didnt think it could get sadder but Isayama proves me wrong every month

Every new released chapter is better than the last one. I love these series. Props to mr. Hajime Isayama 💪🏆

Exactly what we needed, have more faith now.

Exceeded my expectations. The last two chapters were mindblowing after a slow mini Arc at the port. Isayama can really pull ar your heartstrings with flashbacks and Eren's pov.

Thanks Isayama for the microscopic eremin crumbs

that kid eren scene though... easily the best scene the series so far

That was damn perfect

That was f***ing amazing and awful at the same time. I want this series to end, but actually no. Keep going Isayama. You crazy motherf***er.

the "beyond the walls" talk between armin and eren is being brought up again and im emotional now thx

The ending's gonna disappoint people, no matter how well/badly it's executed. Chapter was cool, but overhyped imo

The pacing seems slow, but then again, it was recently nodded to that the manga won't end at Chapter 134 or 135 but 136. And Isayama does have everything planned out for a long time. I don't think he'll disappoint.

the significance of many things in the story are too epic, carla and mikasa look alike, grisha and eren look alike, historia and dina even look alike, the repeating actions, along with the intricate history formed, give us a lot to speculate but nothing to confirm.

I am somewhat sad for eren, to see the point that he has reached by having that freedom that he longed for so much but that I hardly think exists is sad, I don't know how the hell this is going to end but hey I don't know

I can't even begin to imagine how this is going to look in the anime. Definitely not for the faint of heart.

I can't imagine how the manga will end in a few chapters

I can't wait for 132.

I can’t believe this

I can’t wait to see this chapter voice acted, holy shit.

I loved the context that Eren's apology provides, really gives some much needed insight on his thoughts about the future during the timeskip

I need him to talk to mikasa and armin!

On this poll, I noticed that there's nothing about Mikasa haha. I want her to have a moment for the next chapter, or appear on Eren's memories. We know she's gonna be playing a big role for this arc.

I like where the story is going and I can’t wait for the anime so I can show AOT to everyone.

I think Eren is going somewhere. If he wanted to rumble the world, he can control the titans even from the safety of Paradis. I think he is going to that tree under which Ymir fell.

I think it focuses on Eren a bit too much. Maybe show us some Levi? Thank you.

i think reiner is gay

I am currently not taking a side. Not with Eren or with the Yeagerists or with our heroes. I'm just here to see how it all goes down and how Isayama wants to play it out. I've been enjoying every single chapter and being so moved it's insane. F the ship wars and the bs, this story is much more than that. And tragedy is written all over it. Ok brb getting my tissues prepared for next chapter.... 👍

I don't know how many more issues we're going to have but I worry that the story is going to come to a screeching halt and leave too many questions unanswered. Isayama has got so many plates spinning, narratively speaking, I have no idea how he is going to finish them or if he'll finish them at all.

Just a series of gut-punches one after the other after every panel, oof this chapter affected me more than any other. It also made me wonder about how the planet in general would be affected.  Like how would ecosystems change?  Will Eren only go after the civilized countries and then stop?  Or will he not let a single person survive outside the island and just actually steamroll the whole planet?  If he does, wouldn't that change climates and stuff?  What's about the animals and plants? Am I thinking too much about this? How will the drastic changes affect the Paradisians? All this assuming the alliance doesn't manage to stop him (which is likely)

although initially him and reiner seemed to pursue the same path, eren initial motive was to wipe them all and he said it multiple times, I don't believe he has guilt nor remorse because "it was all set from the very start"

We also got a seamless reintegration of the theme of what it means to be a "good person", something both Armin and Annie have grappled with as far back as Female Titan arc, and it's great to see it re-emerge in the context of the rumbling. Annie is an underrated character. Isayama could have had her come back with some bullshit royal blood or daughter-of-Kruger twist, but instead he decides to integrate her into the conflict as her own person and make her a more interesting character than Reiner (sorry Soul).

Eren is allowed to have emotions, he should be able to feel terrible about himself for having to wipe out most of humanity. But he also believes that this is the only way. He begged Hange if there was another way, he WANTED an option that didn't end with the world being rumbled. When Hange had no ideas, and no else had a plan that would keep Paradis safe, he felt like he had to move forward, towards freedom.

Eren is neither right or wrong in his decision. Killing innocents, destroying entire ecosystems and ending human civilization is morally bankrupt. In many ways his plan is short sighted, but when I say this, my stance comes from a logical standpoint rather than a moral one(the political instability of the island, the precedent it sets, the danger he put his friends in). The *most* moral thing to do was a partial rumbling(there are still some issues both logistical and moral) and while 2 wrongs don’t make a right, I hold Marley and many other nations equally at fault for not being willing to end this diplomatically. Their scorched earth policy brought this on. It’s unfortunate that their citizens are paying the price for their governments crimes. But you can’t threaten to wipe out an entire civilization with no negotiation and not expect a desperate response like a full rumbling. This doesn’t absolve eren of responsibility of his actions, but the rumbling is an extremely unfortunate even that was 100% avoidable if diplomacy had been an option.

Eren, no! That’s all I can say at this point! Armin please, I’m begging you, stop your mans.

Eren, what the fuck?

Eren's self pity doesn't change the fact that he's killing millions of innocents and he's not going to stop despite it.

Eren’s guilt over his actions doesn’t mean a thing considering he’s still doing it. The fact that he saw the future and did nothing to stop it (and actively made it happen) makes him even worse. I don’t feel sorry for him in the slightest.

Even though Eren has the skeletal structure as an (I don't even know.. turkey/bird.. eh...) people are still going to simp the shit out of him on twitter, like jfc-

Eren wanted to destroy all life outside paradis not because he wanted outside world to be just a wonderland of blazing fire , grasslands etc. but because the people outside are making it impossible enough for him to realise his dream of total freedom

I would like to add that AruAni scene was, in my opinion, really important for both armin and Annie character development, since they're having a romance scene with the theoretically enemy (armin is from paradis and Annie is from Marley). I think this represent well that people from Marley and people from Eldia can live together, without violence. (I wish I could write more, but English is not my first language)

I'm glad we're finally getting things more thoroughly from Eren's perspective. Up until now, his motivations and thoughts have mostly been discussed by other characters, but we finally get to hear from him directly. This chapter mostly confirmed what I suspected, that Eren isn't heartless, but he was also a tragic character that was perfectly aware of the destruction he was about to bring upon so many people. Overall really good, can't wait for the next chapter, whatever it may be.

I'm happy that Isayama made clear what an egoist and violent nature  Eren always had, since he was a child: he's not an hero, not an avenger and surely not the "chad goat" some teen edgelords think.

I'm literally shaking so hard rn

The wall titans were always an obvious metaphor for "what if Japan had WMDs", but in this chapter this is made even more obvious when there is nothing left from migrant children but two dark kid-shaped splatters on the ground, which is a pretty clear visual reference to citizens of Hiroshima leaving nothing but scorched silhouettes behind when the atomic bombing happened.

Ironically, there was a popular twitter thread this week about the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and despite not being very familiar with the topic itself, I was somewhat amused to find the arguments in the comments to be very familiar. It's payback, it's to prevent future war, it was justified because of Japanese government's war crimes, Japanese citizens were indoctrinated and racist and would NEVER give up fighting foreigners so bombings were a mercy, it's collateral damage, etc etc.

The warriors deserve much better than being used as props.

There's 99% chance this series is getting a downer ending

They had it coming. The world was warned yet they still provoked him so much. I feel for Eren..

What is the most disappointing thing is how selfish and unreasonable mankind can be. So much hatred between so many people and nations, the world of Attack on Titan is a cursed one. So much blood spilled everywhere, and why? Is it because it's justice? Or is it because it's mother nature? Or is it because mankind is known for bloodshed and selfishness? So much hatred has blinded people, they no longer care to listen for the reason. Nothing matters to them, just their goals. All of this pointless conflict when people can simply try to speak up, try to understand each other, simply make bonds. If people could only live with a bit more empathy... All we can do is hope that so many deaths will have any meaning. Or perhaps Genocide/omnicide never had any meaning... Perhaps all of this was pointless strife.

This chapter confirmed Uri's predictions during his conversation with Kenny by the river. It remains to be seen now whether the alliance will be able to stop eren. I am sad for the world and for Ramzi and his brother. The pictures were horrible to watch (Isayama is very good at drawing emotions).

i'm...so very tired

I’m freakin cryin i need someone to hold me

Slowly, everything is coming back in its place. I am super dedicated at this point to the manga and I just hope Isayama is gonna be able to reach the perfect conclusion for such all these years of construction.

So Eren is a fish Titan...?

Still pro-rumble

Such a tragedy this whole story is. Really heartbreaking to witness. But so meticulously done and masterfully written.

Somebody said, maybe Eren and Zeke were actually fighting or going on memory journey schmuck in the Paths currently, that's why Eren is sleeping and automatically runs the titan on the outside.

If zeke didn’t pull this shit up in the first place none of this wouldn’t happen

Starting to reconsider the time-loop theory being wrong. Everything is literally coming full circle.

Isayama youre a genius but you love seeing us hurt and confused dont you 😭😭😭

It bothered me how surprised people were that Eren did the rumbling and it was sad.  He's been saying he was gonna do it for ages, and now he is.  What's with the surprised pikachu fandom?

Jesus Christ everyone needs therapy

Please end this story with happy ending!

[the-beacons-of-minas-tirith]

Together From Now On

Fandom: Castle Rock/Stephen King

Ship: Joy x Chance

Words: 1862

Part: 1/?

Rating: G (fluff, kissing)

Notes: This is literally the very first fanfic I have published. I’m not a huge ff writer, but the “bury your gays” trope is one of my biggest pet peeves and I just really really wanted to correct it this time. I haven’t had a lot of time for writing lately, so I figured I’d post what I had so far and continue the story. Spoilers for Castle Rock S2

@fanpageknight @wormoffthestring sorry it took so long! Here it is!

The sky was gathering with clouds, a familiar scent on the wind: rain was coming. Through the open window of the passenger seat, Joy Ingalls looked out at the wooded landscape that seemed endless. But, she wasn’t really Joy Ingalls, was she? After nearly seventeen years, she had learned her true name, which was Evangeline Wilkes.

She had also learned of her true parents, Carl Wilkes and Rita Green, and that the woman whom she had believed to be her mother, Annie, was really her half-sister. Violence, death, murder, these were the things that Annie had fled from…along with Evangeline, who had been no more than a baby when a teenaged Annie had hidden her in a cardboard box and made her way to the river, intending to drown them both and escape “this dirty world”, as she often called it.

But something happened, something that had saved them both, and that was that Evangeline had smiled at Annie. She had never done so before, always crying when the troubled girl had held her, but this time, this time… Something had changed in Annie at that moment, something had pulled her back from the edge, and for the first time in a long time, Annie felt that things might get better.

Many years had passed with Annie and her sister, now renamed Joy and passed off as Annie’s own daughter, living a life on the run, although Joy had never known it – Annie, now a nurse, had kept up a pretense of the necessity of nurses moving around often. And so they did, moving from place to place, staying in areas for only months or even weeks before leaving, many times in a hurry, which Joy now knew was because of her adopted mother’s habit of stealing pills from the hospitals in which she worked, in order to control her unstable mind.

And it had been for this very reason that Joy had not, at first, believed Annie’s frantic paranoia of a man she had claimed to have killed, a dangerous man, coming back to life. After all, tales of the supernatural, even from locals who believed every word of it, were a thing of fiction, right? Maybe in some towns.

But not in Castle Rock.

Joy squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to block out the horrid memories, memories of the townspeople falling under a sinister trance, moving like zombies towards an ancient statue, memories of people who were no longer people, but vessels of wicked souls returned from centuries ago.

She had almost become one of them…

But her mother, who was not her mother, had kept that from happening. And now…

“Hey.” A voice broke Joy out of her dark thoughts. It was Chance, approaching the passenger window from the small convenience store they had stopped at. Joy had opted to stay in the car.

“Oh…hey.” Joy wrung her hands and looked down, breathing out slowly.

Chance opened the driver’s door and, setting the drinks she had bought in the cup holders, made herself comfortable in the seat. She glanced at Joy, a concerned look on her face. “You good?”

“Fine,” said Joy quietly, chewing her bottom lip.

Chance looked at her for a moment, then spoke. “You were thinking about it again,” she said softly. She gently put her hand over Joy’s; she could feel it trembling slightly.

“Joy.”

Joy looked up at Chance slowly. The girl who held her affections was good at seeing the truth, even without words. They hadn’t talked about anything that had happened in that town since they had left almost two weeks ago. She had pushed it down as long as she could, but now Joy could feel the words she longed to say rising inside her, like the late August heat that surrounded them.

Swallowing hard, Joy closed her eyes again. “What if I was wrong?”

“Wrong?”

“What if I – I shouldn’t have left her? What will happen to her without me? She saved me, I could have become one of those –” Her voice cracked, and she paused to take a deep breath. “She saved me,” Joy repeated slowly. “And I left her.”

Joy remembered this part vividly, perhaps most of all. Unlike the other memories that came unwittingly, surfacing every now and then like skeletal trees in a valley of fog, this one stayed at the front of her mind, burning intensely as if it had been branded behind her eyelids. Annie’s face, so eagerly hopeful at the thought of what she was sure was true, that Joy wanted to leave this wretched town with her and never come back. Well, part of it was true. Joy was desperate to leave.

Just not with Annie.

How her adopted mother’s face had slowly but surely crumpled, how her eyes, still so wide and emotional, were now filled with shock and fear instead of hope. Joy knew this would happen, but it didn’t make it any easier. “Mom,” she had said. “Mom, I think…I think I need to leave. Without…you. I love you, mom. I really do. But…I can’t…be with you anymore.”

           Annie had tried her best to keep her emotions from taking over. “Oh, Joy, little love, you don’t mean that! You’re just…” she hurriedly searched for what to say. “You’re overwhelmed. And why wouldn’t you be! Y-you’ve been through s-so much recently that – that you’re not thinking clearly! Those horrible people – those, those, dirty birds almost killed you!”

           “Mom…” Joy wanted to say more, but Annie cut her off.

“I’ll tell you what, little love, you need a good night’s sleep. We can go back to the lodge and rest, and then we’ll discuss it in the morning, okay? Okay?”

           But Annie knew she wasn’t letting Joy go anywhere alone. And Joy knew it too. Which is why what she had to do next broke her heart.

           She left a letter for her mother, expressing as best she could her feelings. That she needed to find her own way, that she still loved her, and hoped they could reconnect one day in the future. Taking with her a bag of clothes, her phone, the keys to her mother’s car, and what little money she had, Joy had left the lodge while Annie had slept, meeting Chance outside and helped her push the vehicle far enough away that Annie wouldn’t hear it start. They were lucky; the tank was almost full.

           And so they had driven, mostly in silence, stopping every so often to eat or find a hotel to stay at. Chance had, in the confusion of the town trying to regain its sanity, taken as much cash as she could from the register of the local bar, so they had plenty to keep them going for a while.

           Chance looked at Joy with empathy in her eyes. “I get it. I know what you’re going through. It sucks to be apart from your parents, even if they aren’t good for you. But it gets better. Hey, at least you have a phone now.”

           Joy gave a small chuckle.

           “When I left my folks, I was terrified,” Chance continued, rubbing Joy’s hand gently. “I had no idea if I would last. But you know what got me through it?”

           “What?”

           “What got me through was knowing that there was nothing left for me in the past, so that meant that everything I had to gain was in the future. That I had to keep moving forward.” Chance raised Joy’s hand and pressed it gently to her lips.

           Slowly, slowly, Joy’s anxious heartbeat decelerated, and she looked deep into Chance’s eyes, eyes that conveyed love and compassion. She had never felt this way about anyone before, had never felt this strong sense of safety and belonging, safer than she had ever been with her mother. Her chest felt lighter than it had in days.

           Joy smiled at Chance, and Chance smiled back. As if by second nature, they both leaned carefully towards each other, their lips meeting tenderly for more than a moment.

           A light patter had begun on the roof of the car; the rain had started. It was the soft, sweet rain of summer, cleansing the world around them and bringing new hope to their lives.

 ***

             Chance and Joy pulled into the parking lot of the hotel just as the rain had started to pick up. Dodging the drops, they ran in to the main lobby with their bags over their heads. Inside, they brushed their damp hair back, and chuckled as they looked at each other. Once their humor had subsided, they surveyed the interior.

As one of the common chain hotels, the lobby was hardly distinguishable from the others they had stayed in. The tiled floor was a pale cream color, there were fake plants in the corners, and the small sitting area had a flat screen TV showing a news channel. Right now, the anchor was pointing to a weather map and explaining that the rain would last until the end of the week.

           Chance started towards the front desk, where a middle-aged blonde woman was occupied with a magazine. Chance cleared her throat. The woman glanced up.

           “Yeah?” she said.

           “We’d, uh, like a room?” said Chance. “Please,” she added.

           The woman – Beverly, said her name tag – moved to look at her computer. “Name?” she asked absently, as she typed.

           “Andy,” said Chance in an even voice. She and Joy had agreed that it was best to use fake names for now, at least until they made it to Canada. No telling if they were being searched for.

           “Last name?” said Beverly. She seemed to be keeping herself from rolling her eyes.

           “Evans,” Chance replied.

           With a few more clicks on the keyboard, Beverly turned back to Chance. “Only rooms we got left have one bed. The couches are pull outs thought, if you want,” she said glancing at Joy.

           Joy paused, exchanging a look with Chance. Chance held her gaze for a few seconds before turning back to Beverly. “That’s fine. We’ll take it.”

           “How many nights?”

           “Um, four. Tonight to Sunday morning.”      

The blonde woman typed on her computer, then got up and went into a room behind the desk. She was gone for a minute before returning with two key cards in her hand.

           “Room number is 79. Third floor.” She placed the cards on the counter and then looked expectantly at Chance, who pulled a thick envelope out of her backpack.

           “How much?”

           “One-eighty, even.”

           Chance rummaged through the envelope and handed Beverly several bills. The clerk put the cash in the register and then gestured towards the elevators. “You’re all set.” She became engrossed in her magazine once more.

           Once the two girls were in the elevator, they sighed in relief. Chance looked at Joy. Joy looked at Chance. And all of a sudden they were laughing, leaning back against the mirrored walls. They were just two girls in this moment, two girls closer than friends who were happy and carefree and in love. Taking each other’s hands, they stepped off the elevator and made their way to the room.

[ptrparkcrs]

& you say rise above (self-para)

summary: peter meets an old friend in an unexpected place and faces dire consequences word count: 3002 trigger warnings: violence, injury, death mention, spider-man cops (completely useless, but existent)

It was ten seventeen PM. He had been at work late, probably too late, troubleshooting something small and nitpicky that even he barely understood. At least there was always food somewhere in the building, and FRIDAY liked him enough to not yell at him when he stole a second donut, or a third, or when he ordered an extra-large pizza on Tony Stark’s credit card. As long as he didn’t leave his workspace too greasy and saved some leftovers for Tony, he’d probably be fine.

Whatever it was he had been supposed to be working on, clean energy or artificial intelligence or consumer goods or fancy sunglasses, it probably wasn’t supposed to have been reconstructing the lenses of Spider-Man’s mask to better conform to his facial expressions, but Peter had had to do some repairs after Gabby had torn the thing to shreds. If Tony caught him sewing on the clock, what was he going to do? Let Spider-Man go without a mask? Put Peter’s life at risk? No, he’d be fine. He’d been too antsy to focus on real work, his ribs still healing, his face still a little tender. He’d needed a concrete physical distraction and the satisfaction of knowing he was fixing something.

(He’d be totally fine in a day or two; he was almost there, but Gabby had done a pretty solid number on him. Broken ribs, a black eye, scabs where the pavement had rubbed his chin raw, the whole shebang. He told everyone it was a bike accident, even though he didn’t own a bike, because nearly beaten to death by a chemically ramped-up teenager wasn’t something that could realistically have happened to completely normal, non-superhero guy Peter Parker. In retrospect, he should have said he’d crashed his skateboard into a taxi again, which he had done more than once in high school, but hindsight was 20/20.) 

Still, the time spent on the mask during the day had meant a pile of unfinished work, which had meant staying at the tower later. Peter knew that, as best as he’d tried not to be, he was a nepotism hire. He’d waltzed into Stark industries with little training and few qualifications, and he was determined to prove that he was just as suited to be here as anyone else. Yeah, he’d had the internship, but he’d gotten that through sheer dumb luck and minor internet fame, and he and Tony both knew it had been a cover, anyway. Yeah, he had a college degree, but most of his actual work experience had been mediocre photography for a vaguely predatory, second-rate newspaper. He’d been a child prodigy, sure, but last he’d checked most child prodigies peaked sometime around high school, and building the Spider-Man suit for personal gain wasn’t about to go on his resume. He knew any interview process he’d gone through had been performative; he knew that the job had been his no matter what, so long as he hadn’t actually blown up the company. He didn’t want Tony to regret his decision, and he really did want to keep his job. That meant actually doing his work, even if he did have to stay long past dark.

So he’d finally finished—the work and the mask—and headed home to find Sandwich demanding a second dinner and a walk. Fine. Okay. He could do that.

“All you’ve got going for you is your body, bud,” he said. “Don’t know why you’re so determined to ruin that.” Sandwich was beautiful, in a scraggly rescue dog kind of way (Aunt May said he looked like the dog from Annie, which was probably a compliment), but he was also dumb as a rock. He put a few treats in the bowl anyway and went to find a leash.

As he dug through the storage cube where he was sure he’d left the good collar, Peter heard sirens. They sounded close, maybe a few blocks away, and getting closer. His police scanner was on his nightstand, but there wasn’t time to check. Sirens were as good a cue as any.

“I’ll be back soon,” he told Sandwich, as he grabbed his suit from the pile on the floor, pulled it on, and headed towards the window. “We’ll walk later. Promise. Please don’t eat the couch again while I’m gone.”

The dog grunted and went back to eating.

&&&

Web swinging was hard today. His body groaned with every movement, resisting the stress of his acrobatics. Still healing. He hadn’t realized she’d gotten him quite that badly; he’d been up against way worse than a single teenage girl, but he hadn’t had anyone try so determinedly to kill him from such close range in a long time--not since Norman, or maybe Harry, but that had felt a little more reluctant. Fine, he’d go easy on the somersaults.

So long as whatever was up there wasn’t a troupe of murderous acrobats, he’d probably be okay. At least the new mask was holding up well.

What was up ahead, three or five or seven or twenty-six blocks from his apartment, he’d lost count, was—lights. Sirens. Yelling. A strange, echoing thump-thump. Shit. He dropped himself onto a rooftop to survey the scene, his ribs only groaning a little bit as he landed in a crouch. A bank, long closed for the night, its windows smashed. A row of police cars, like a barricade. Coming in from the north, fire trucks, an ambulance. A small throng of bystanders, their phones out, edging around the scene. A trail of broken asphalt running away in the opposite direction.

And in the middle of it all, a figure.

A man, maybe. In a long jacket, something more than the night obscuring his face. He—if it was a he—didn’t seem very big, but he hovered several feet above the ground, supported by what appeared to be a pair of giant robotic arms. Another pair spread wide into the night air, lashing at anyone who tried to approach.

Peter was pretty sure he’d seen those arms before, or something very like them. Mostly in sketches, then once or twice in a lab in college, never in use, just propped up safely against the back wall. They help my dexterity, Peter. More precise.

But that had been in a secure research lab up at Columbia, where the arms had helped a man’s clumsy hands study nuclear physics at an atomic scale, not ravage a bank on the Lower East Side. Stolen tech, maybe? A copycat? Convergent evolution, two people independently building the same machine at the same time? But what were the odds of that, really? These were robotic arms, not clean energy or self-driving cars. It was too niche. Who was this man, and what could he want?

He swung down, closer, landing on the hood of a police car. The officer standing next to it looked down at Peter and sighed.

“Hey, Spider-Man,” he said. “You can go home. We’ve got this.”

Peter tethered himself to a lamppost closer to the bank and leapt off the hood, angry at his stupid fragile body keeping him from somersaulting away for maximum dramatic effect. “That’s what you always say, Bill.”

“It’s David.”

“I really don’t care.”

He landed on the lamppost, but just barely. The many-armed man had seen him coming and was getting closer, one of his robotic limbs swiping at Peter’s perch. Peter leaped off before the pole could crash down and rolled to the ground, where he finally got a good look at his assailant.

He hadn’t imagined it. He knew those arms.

“Doctor Oc—"

Doctor Octavius. His thesis advisor. A kind, absentminded, academic type, the brand who left their office littered with sticky notes to remember to buy milk, who replied to emails four days late at two in the morning. He’d called Peter a genius kid, said he’d had what it takes to save the world. Because that’s what scientists do, Peter. We change things. We fix them. We make them better. We help the people who can’t help themselves—you get that, don’t you?

Oh, he got it.

Doc was wearing glasses, and his jovial smile had twisted into a sneer, but it was unmistakably him. He lowered himself to the ground, all four metal arms swirling around him.“Oh, great,” he said. “It’s the bug boy. What, couldn’t send any of the real superheroes to stop me? Daddy too busy arresting innocent people?”

With all due respect, Peter thought, what the fuck? Sure, he wasn’t an Enforcer, but his old professor going on a crime spree with a set of weaponized robot arms, probably having some sort of episode, called for enforcement.

He lifted himself off the ground slowly. His body was already screaming for a break, and they were barely getting started. “Look, dude, I respect the whole eight-legs thing, but you don’t gotta be so literal about it. It’s kinda—what’s the word? Tacky.”

Doc lunged at him; Peter dodged. “Wait, no,” he continued. “Kitschy. Campy. Gaudy.” Another swipe, another dodge. “No, I was right the first time. Tacky, it’s tacky.”

The next swipe came from behind him, and Peter jumped out of the way just in time. “What do you even want, Doc? For a guy in tights to teach you that robbing banks and taking hostages is wrong? Congrats, you got it!” He didn’t know if there were hostages; he’d been too stunned by Otto to check, he just assumed there were. There were almost always hostages when the guys in costumes got involved.

“How do you know my name?” Octavius growled.

Yep, there were hostages.

“I dunno, it was just a vibe. You kind of look like my dentist.” And the man who shaped my college career, but same thing.

Most nights he could go on like this forever. Banter, dodge, punch, jump, repeat. Talk him into submission, until he was too worn down by Peter’s endless punchlines to punch back.  Tonight, he was tired. He was injured. He had a dog at home waiting for a walk. This needed to be quick—rescue the hostages, get Otto taken in and looked after. (Kindly, he hoped; the Otto Octavius he knew was a good man, and was probably in there somewhere, scared and confused.) In the morning, maybe Peter Parker could call to innocently, coincidentally check in on his old mentor and get the full story.

“You’re a nuisance, Spider-Man. You know that, don’t you?”

“So it said on my report cards.”

Octavius stepped closer, and Peter webbed one of his metal legs to the ground, but he kept swiping. In his real arms, the human ones, Peter could see a briefcase, presumably full of the stolen money or techno-weapons for looting safety deposit boxes. So he already had what he wanted, but still the hostages, still the rampage, still the crazed look behind those horrible dark goggles. Peter could deal with him, the cops could free the hostages, they’d be fine, this was fine, everything was going to be fine.

But how had this happened—why had this happened? Did he poison everyone he touched? Ben, Gwen, Norman, even Harry, all either dead or driven mad by his proximity. Who next? Tony? May? Steph? MJ? His high school science teacher? His next-door neighbors?

You ruin everything, Peter Parker. They’re safer if you don’t love them, if they don’t love you. You’re a time bomb. A nuclear blast. Look at what you do to them. What you’ve done. You’re not worth it.

His spider sense alerting him to an incoming blow put a pause on the cycle of self-loathing. He couldn’t dodge in time, and an angry fist landed hard against his face. He groaned, and he tasted the blood from his (now probably broken) nose as it dripped into his mouth. “What do you want, Otto?” he spat.

Shit.

“Doctor” he could get away with as a joke, but how would Spider-Man know Doctor Octavius’s first name? He wouldn’t, that’s how. Not unless they knew each other in real life, civilian life, faces uncovered and feet on the ground. Peter, you idiot. His cover, which he had so carefully maintained for the past eight years, was about a minute from being blown by an academic in octopus cosplay. 

This shouldn’t have been happening. He was a professional, he was good at this. He had learned from his past, he was doing better, and these were amateur mistakes. He was off his game, that’s what this was. He was exhausted, injured, overworked, stunned by the improbability of it all. His whole life was improbable; he should have known to expect this kind of thing by now, but he wasn’t convinced he wasn’t living out some middle schooler’s sadistic Mad Libs. He still had time to fix this.

Otto said nothing; he just laughed.

Peter tried to launch himself in the air for a swing and a kick, but his reflexes were slowing, his injuries worsening. Whatever healing he’d done had been set back several days, and every movement was more labored than the last. Before he could evade, the arms, all of them now free of webbing, wrapped themselves around him and pulled him in. Peter hissed in response, his exhalation short and shallow, doing his best to suppress a yelp.

“Oh, come on. Personal space, dude,” he said, and the top left arm pinched his wrists together in response. He was now being held fast in evil, sentient handcuffs, no hopes of swinging away in sight. Nothing this stupid would have happened to Tony; Tony would have had lasers and lights and taken out this guy in minutes. Hell, he could have called in the Iron Legion for backup if he’d wanted, but a single man didn’t deserve it. Peter was a disappointment, again. This should have been so easy, and yet.

And yet.

Peter wasn’t Tony Stark.

“Otto,” growled Octavius.

Peter said nothing.

“Why did you call me that?”

This time, Peter squirmed. He was being held tightly, so tightly. His wrists were raw, his chest burning, and at some point, he had started to bleed. Work was going to have to buy bike accident twice this week. ”I told you. You look like my dentist. His name’s Otto. It was a lucky guess.”

“Somehow, I don’t believe you.”

His head spun and his mouth tasted like iron and asphalt as the world tunneled in around the edges of his vision. His hands still tied, he tried to gain some leverage with a kick, but the other arms squeezed even tighter until he was sure he felt a crunch. Great. This was it, this was how he died. Sometime around midnight outside a random bank because his college thesis advisor had taken up a life of crime and he’d been too weak and injured to do anything about it. Yeah, that tracked.

“Who are you, Spider-Man?”

Peter couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, could only steel himself as his spider sense turned on high alert. Imminent danger, big time. Yeah, he got it. With the human hand not holding the briefcase, Otto pulled the mask from his head.

And immediately dropped him, limp and winded and battered, to the ground.

Peter’s bare skin was so cold, the streetlights so bright, every sound and smell heightened without the mask.

Otto’s face had cleared with recognition, and his sneer fell away. “Peter?”

Peter groaned. Then he peeled himself off the ground and launched a flurry of web bombs until Otto was wrapped tightly all over. It wouldn’t hold long, but it would have to hold long enough to get him taken safely into custody. Locked up in the Raft for ten to life, a brilliant man’s work cut short by his own creation. (Was it too soon to make Frankenstein jokes?) But Peter couldn’t think about the tragedy of it yet. He had to keep moving.

He kept his head down until he found the mask by Otto’s feet. His hands were shaking, and it took impossibly long to fit it back over his head. It was twisted or too small or made for someone else entirely, bunching around his neck and pulling uncomfortably against his swollen face. And then he stood up, wobbly and wheezing, and faced the officers who were pulling the hostages from the building. Maybe they’d been inside. Maybe they hadn’t seen him. Maybe it was okay.

“You’ve got this from here, Bill,” he said, and, with every ounce of willpower he had left, he swung away on shaky arms to pick up his dog, call Aunt May, and hide in his childhood bedroom for the rest of his life.

&&&

The officers may not have seen him, but there had been bystanders. There are always bystanders, just like there are always hostages. They have cameras. They have social media. They flock to danger, to drama, to sensationalism. They post suffering for the likes and the retweets and the fleeting moments of fame. A Spider-Man sighting was pretty commonplace--novel, but not extraordinary. But this tableau, a hero in crisis, an identity revealed, that was media gold. This was a millennial icon’s Pyrrhic victory. This was a new weak spot in the Accords. And under all that bravado, he was just a scared little boy. They didn't recognize him (there was at least one audible boo when someone realized that Spider-Man was just another pasty white boy), but they’d seen him, and that was enough.

The responsible thing would have been to keep his secret, to respect the sanctity of what had happened here tonight. But the bystanders are never responsible.

While all the others had been texting and tweeting and snapping and streaming, at least one had had the wherewithal to take a picture with one of their fancy, enormous, three-lensed phone cameras and capture Spider-Man unmasked, clear as day, battered and bloody but distinctly him, and send it straight to the Daily Bugle.

(The ball’s in your court now, Jameson.)

[kdtheghostwriter]

SNK 116: V Has Come To

Alexa: play “Roundabout”

When I first saw the Kanji that represents “rumbling,” my first two thoughts, in immediate succession where as follows: “Oh, shit, is it already happening” and “Oh, no, wait it’s just like JoJo.” (Fun fact about that ED, since Ded Memes live here. The little To Be Continued arrow always flies in before the drums hit. Like everything it gets adjusted for the purposes I suppose. Anyway!) Honestly, every chapter in this volume has ended like the episode of an anime, including this one with its hero/villain stare down and triumphant proclamation from the narrator. More on how those tables have turned later.

 I want to spend most of this essay talking about Eren, since I spent most of the last one talking about his older brother. I’m not so much surprised at the direction his character has taken after so many years of pain and abuse. What does take me aback is how so many people are apparently sympathetic to Zeke while hating Eren, especially considering how Eren had a comparatively awful upbringing while spending a lot less time being shitty to people.

But maybe I shouldn’t be too shocked. Even as the main character, he’s always been controversial. Whether by people who want him to be paired with one character or another, or those who just plain don’t like him. Even in-story, good will has been hard to come by. One minute they’re honoring you and your friends in front of the Queen. A few years later, you’re locked underground as a fugitive of the military-controlled government.

It was the Chapter 112 recap where I broke down the nuance of a pro wrestling storyline – specifically in regards to their character-driven nature. I used performers like Shawn Michaels and Brett “The Hitman” Hart to outline the natural progression of a character from fan favorite to hated ne’er-do-well. Now, I’ll be using an example much more relevant to the story. The Rise then Fall then Return then “Turn” of Daniel Bryan.

Most important thing to note about Daniel Bryan is that he’s not supposed to be in the ring at all. A series of concussions and other injuries forced him to retire from active in-ring competition. This was directly after a year-long saga of him trying to prove himself as a main event player. After what seemed like endless waves of red tape and front office hurdles, he achieved the absolute pinnacle of the business. Winning in the main event of the year’s biggest show, WrestleMania, and becoming the World Heavyweight Champion. It was always going to be downhill from that point. What couldn’t have been predicted was the suddenness of it.

Three years pass and Daniel Bryan announces his imminent return to active competition. His first match back is yet again at the Showcase of the Immortals. He receives a hero’s welcome and for several months is riding a familiar high as the most popular superstar in all of wrestling. And then, he fights AJ Styles and something changes.

I must note here briefly that at this point in the latter part of 2018, AJ Styles himself is enjoying a year-long run as champion of the world’s largest federation. He and Daniel Bryan were scheduled to have a match at the Crown Jewel event in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Yes, the same Saudi Arabia that allegedly orchestrated the murder of Washington Post contributor Jamal Khashoggi. Daniel Bryan, along with other members of the roster, refused to make the trip. As such, his WWE Championship match was pushed up a week to be contested on TV. Bryan lost this match, but that would not be the last time they faced. In fact, the very next time the two squared off, Bryan captured the title, albeit via some nefarious means. It was after this match (followed by a match with former UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar) that something broke within Daniel Bryan.

The WWE’s relentless media schedules as well as the punishment of months of fighting on the road finally broke him down mentally as well as physically, and he decided that enough was too much. Daniel Bryan utilized his newfound platform as champion and killed the movement that catapulted him to worldwide fame. In its place, a message of repentance. He replaced the leather strap of his title belt with one made of hemp and naturally fallen oak. He railed against the paying fans for their unchecked consumerism and even admonished his boss, billionaire Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment Vince McMahon, for exploiting their more reductive tendencies.

This is going to sound weird because, honestly, these things change month-to-month but, yes, Daniel Bryan is supposed to be the bad guy here. And for a segment of the audience he absolutely is. Live crowds across the country (excluding his home state of Washington) hate Bryan with a fiery passion. Meanwhile, all of Twitter asked all at once, “Wait, you want us to…boo him?” It’s the most famous Heel Turn in recent memory due in part to the circumstances and the performer involved. This was the most popular wrestler in the world not six months prior. But even though the crowd still loved him, they were not clamoring for him like they had been. The magic of the Yes Movement was largely gone.

In Shingeki no Kyojin, I’ve witnessed this cycle ad nauseum. It’s the ebb and flow of fandom. I’ve been reading this series long enough to recall a time when Eren was seen as a useless, whiny geek as opposed to the badass world-beater he is now. There was a time, believe it or not, where Reiner was as polarized and hated as Eren is now. Before that even! Reiner was little more than the cute, air-headed jock before he and Bertholt revealed themselves as spies. Isayama reveals him as his favorite character and he’s been the darling of the fandom ever since. Second perhaps only to Commander Handsome himself who is even more popular in death. Annie still has her fans, despite only being in maybe fifteen percent of this manga.

My point is the same that Isayama has been getting at for the past three volumes or so. (Maybe more than that if we accept Kruger’s monologue as the first example.) Your notion of how the world works has been fucked from the start. Good and evil; right and wrong; Marley and Paradis. Reality is only as good as your perspective. The author was not content with just stating this, though. To prove his point, he deconstructed his own carefully planned narrative, rebuilt it backwards, then flipped it upside down so that now, we’ve come back ‘round to this.

Funny thing, life is. When your idols become your rivals. Eren once confided in Reiner for support in his darkest moments. Now, it’s very likely he’s going to try and kill him. Simply for getting in his way. This is more of the framing I’ve talked about before from Isayama. This looks like any other match card from an actual title bout. To show you what I mean, I’m going to line up several examples.

Seeing it now? Classic promoter tactics. Building up the hype. People rib on the Dragon Ball series for doing this sometimes – in the case of Z – to a comical extent. But really, this method can be seen elsewhere in stuff like JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, One Piece, Yu Yu Hakusho, Lupin the Third; I really could just name twelve more titles.

This is a rematch four years in the making. Yes, they met in Liberio but I don’t count that as a fight, considering Eren won long before anyone even transformed and Reiner was literally begging for his death. In present day, the Warriors have caught The Usurper off guard and they have much needed backup. This conflict has been set up like the apex of any Marvel movie. The mismatched group of heroes converging on one point, because the only hope they have of defeating the super villain is if they do it together.

This is why Pieck didn’t pull the trigger when she had the chance and also why Eren didn’t transform and splatter her and Gabi against the dungeon walls. Pieck is part of a team. A team with a plan. Part of that plan involved getting Eren Jaeger out in the open where he would be exposed to an all-out attack. Eren had prior knowledge of the Warrior Unit’s arrival and knew his best option was to track their location and cut them off. Pieck was likely dead whether she cooperated or not. What Eren didn’t account for was Porco, who was actually in plain sight amongst the other Jaegerists, but in a world where photography has just recently been introduced, one could not expect them to recognize him out of his Titan.

 Pieck trusted her friends, and now they are all dropping in to Shiganshina to aid in her rescue. Eren did not trust his friends, and now they are all dead, mutilated or locked in a cell and they won’t be coming to his rescue. In another manga, this would be the turning point of the story where the Big Bad got his comeuppance and learned the ultimate lesson about the Power of Friendship and the series would end with the two brothers embracing in a pile of rubble. This is not any manga. Eren has three Titan powers at his disposal. (Four if he can get his hands on Porco again.) Unless there is a legit airstrike of some sort or some other secondary offensive, Reiner has no chance of winning this. Maybe he doesn’t have to, depending on what the plan is.

We still don’t know what Eren’s plan is either! That’s probably the biggest difference between him and Daniel Bryan. The Daniel Bryan character was developed weekly on television over many months and his motivations up to this point have been fully fleshed out. Eren’s motivations are a mystery to everyone except Eren. Even his brother Zeke doesn’t know what he’s up to. Zeke who, by the way, can magically appear in this upcoming battle as well. No, I don’t think Eren is the final “bad guy” of this story. I just wish he was, because he’s damn good at doing it.

I do not know how this ends. I am, however, sure of one thing.

  Stray Thoughts

- I wouldn’t say either Eren or Pieck had the other fooled at any point. They were at an impasse and Eren decided to move the plot along.

- Eren isn’t the classic mwahaha villain (yet) but wow is he angry. And not the violent, explosive anger we know him for. Cold, cunning, calculated. I genuinely feared for Pieck’s life despite her holding the gun.

- I know we’ve been conditioned by this story to search for subtext, even when it’s not there, but I wouldn’t read too much into certain…stuff that happened with the 104th. The point here was to re-establish what we already know about the crew. Jean is a very perceptive lad and almost certainly the next Commander if anyone survives this story. Armin is…having a moment.

- I have to wonder how good Magath’s intel is for this op. Does he know that Shiganshina is deserted? Has he accounted for Zeke’s appearance? Does he know the God of Destruction is nearby?

- Yelena has been a favorite of mine since her debut, when everyone thought Connie grew three times his size. I won’t call it a Heel Turn because it doesn’t count if you weren’t wearing the White Hat to begin with.

[twatd]

The White and Black Goddesses

The first half of our commentary on issue #38 focuses on WicDiv’s ties to The White Goddess, by Robert Graves (and, apparently, Anna White), as Alex hits the books.

Alex: Since Ananke first mentioned it, way back in issue #9, I’ve spent three years resisting the urge to read Robert Graves’ The White Goddess. Since Gillen mentioned he’d made sure to hide the book from all his Instagram photos up until that point, I’ve always thought of it as a sort of WicDiv Rosetta Stone… but, for all the insight it might contain, nah, I’d really rather not.

With Graves making an extended cameo in issue #38, I finally caved.

(Well, sort of. More accurately, I read around it. A few passages from the book; commentary from Graves, critics and scholars; some Pagan websites; a fair bit of Wikipedia.)

Once I began to probe, I couldn’t stop noticing connections. Coincidences, maybe. Except, as the woman herself once said, they don’t feel like coincidences. They feel like magic.

Let’s start with the story of how The White Goddess originally came to be, and how that fits with what we see in #38. The majority of the book was written in a three-week sprint in 1944 – the same year ‘Anna White’ visits Devon – after Graves was struck by a sudden bolt of inspiration. His account in the real world involves drawing maps for a book about Jason and the Argonauts, but WicDiv switches this out for the much more interesting idea that he was visited by a drunk Ananke.

(And while we’re in real-world history mode, it’s worth noting that the 1957 lecture from this issue did really happen, at New York’s YMHA Centre. Everything he says in the comic appears to be a direct quote from that lecture.)

As for the actual content of that bolt of inspiration: well, it was something about trees and Celtic druids. Ananke throws this out fairly casually, half a bottle deep into her rant. For Graves, it was the key to unlocking a bigger idea.

First, the solution to a riddle in a medieval poem, The Song of Teliesin, using a Druidic alphabet that used as its letters the names of trees – the consonants of which, according to Graves, doubled as names of months. It was a lunar calendar, with thirteen months instead of twelve. Those numbers might sound familiar.

(This calendar leaves one spare day each year: 23 December, which is so close to the all-important WicDiv date of 21 December that it actually hurts.)

Graves used this idea as a jumping-off point. Understanding the trees as an alphabet, he reinterpreted The Battle of the Trees, a medieval Welsh poem, as a metaphor for two warring languages and knowledge systems – a new patriarchal system overwriting the old goddess-worshipping matriarchy.

This didn’t just happen in Wales, according to Graves – it happened across prehistoric Europe and the Middle East. “The language was tampered with in late Minoan times,” he wrote, “when invaders from Central Asia began to substitute patrilinear for matrilinear institutions and remodel or falsify the myths to fit their social changes.” Back to WicDiv: we’ve actually visited Minoa roughly around this time in the comic.

(Very roughly, it’s worth noting. Crete in 3026BC is actually, as far as I can tell, early rather than late Minoan. Tim’s the historian in this duo – you can see what he had to say on the matter here.)

We saw it first in #36, where it stuck out in a fifteen-page sequence of murder as one of the few examples where Ananke’s role was filled by the one we know as Minerva. Then #37 filled in the blanks a little – it was the first time Ananke fucked up the ritual and experienced 90 years of darkness. “Never again,” she said then, which might explain the changeover. Maybe she decided to go underground.

Because the big idea that was lost with this cultural overhaul was worship of a “a divine female power, manifest under many names and forms in the goddesses of the ancient world”. Does that sound like anyone we know? Someone roaming early civilisation setting up franchises like Michael Keaton in The Founder, perhaps?

The other idea in The White Goddess with obvious applications to WicDiv is the triple goddess. It’s not an idea that started with Graves – it was likely borrowed from Jane Ellen Harrison, writing half a century earlier – but he applied it to this idea of a lost prehistoric goddess. She was a single deity, but generally worshipped in three different aspects: Maiden, Mother and Crone. Or, less catchily, Mother, Bride and Layer-out. That version describes her relationship to a lesser god-king, the last bit referring to her killing him as a sacrifice.

(This triple goddess idea, if we’re melding together the real and WicDiv histories, was one Graves wrote about before 1944, suggesting it didn’t originate from Ananke’s whiskey-fuelled diatribe. Perhaps it was these earlier writings that attracted her to seek him out.)

The obvious question becomes: which of the Pantheon does this apply to? WicDiv is weirdly full of triple goddesses. The obvious fit seems to be Minerva (Maiden), Persephone (Mother – soon to be literally) and Ananke (Crone, and Layer-out of a fair few gods along the way).

Persephone is a name that cropped up a lot in my reading, but an even more commonly cited example of the triple goddess is the Morai – the Greek Fates, known in the mythology of Northern Europe as Norns. Yup, our old pals Skuld, Verðandi, and Urðr.

The Maiden/Mother/Crone archetypes don’t map as neatly onto Cassandra and pals, although it’s generally accepted that each of the Norns represents past, present and future – which would, I guess, make Urðr our Crone. It’s also perhaps notable that the Norns manifested in issue #9, right after Ananke first mentioned The White Goddess.

And then there’s The Morrigan. Mythologically a shapeshifter with three (or more) forms, her WicDiv incarnation is probably closest to the original conception of the triple goddess – which is, after all, three aspects of a single person. The archetypes are a fairly neatly match, too, especially the less-common version. Annie is life-giving Mother. Macha, Bride to Baphomet. Badb, his Layer-out.

 It’s probably worth mentioning at this point another of Graves’ major influences: The Golden Bough, written by James George Frazer in 1890. Frazer identified his own pattern in mythologies and religions that seemed to suggest a single common source – primitive fertility cults which worshipped a divine king for a year before sacrificing him.

This is basically the story that Morrigan overlays onto her relationship with Baphomet, “my king for a year, twice over”. #37 basically shows how Graves’ triple goddess archetypes fits into this cycle, and – for me – understanding that helped contextualise the way the abuse storyline was handled. A new king is always (re)born, so the cycle can start all over again.

One interesting thing about The Morrigan is that we’ve seen two earlier incarnations, both of them male, neither of whom showed any signs of a triplicate personality. But there always seems to be at least one triple deity in each Recurrence: the 455 Lucifer referenced a Morai, the 1830s had its Brontë-analogue Lonely Sisters and – the only male incarnation we’ve seen – the 1920s had its own trio of Norns.

But, as ‘Anna White’ reminds us, the Mother/Maiden/Crone construction is “an effective sleight of hand”. So I’d like to consider a couple of other options.

The first was suggested by Tim: maybe Laura/Persephone is the Triplicate Goddess in and of herself.

Jane Ellen Harrison wrote that "the matriarchal goddess may well have reflected the three stages of a woman's life." Laura begins the series – which opens at the start of the year, remember – as a relative innocent. (“Well, she was just 17/And you know what I mean.”)

As a mythological figure, Persephone is most commonly associated with the Maiden archetype, but recent developments slot her firmly in the Mother role – possibly the reason she seems to have abandoned the Persephone identity. If it works, maybe she’ll get her full allotment of years and a chance to explore that third stage of life. (“Laura, you’re more than a superstar/You’ll be famous for longer than them.”)

Or maybe we’re asking the wrong question altogether. Let’s finish by quoting Grevel Lindop, editor of a 1997 edition of the book: “By 1963 [Graves’] vision of the Goddess was changing again. In his Oxford lecture of that December – published as ‘Intimations of the Black Goddess’ – he began to speak of the White Goddess’s ‘mysterious sister, the Goddess of Wisdom’.”

Hmm. Does that sound like anyone we know?

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[thattiredgradstudent]

Goodbye Implies Not Coming Back

    Hey everyone! Part two is here! 

Description: Annabelle met Bucky and Steve right before they were both deployed and immediately became close friends. They ended meeting up with each other multiple times throughout the war and assumed that she would see them after the war, however after the reported death of Bucky, she starts to investigate his death, only to become an earlier experiment of HYDRA herself. HYDRA attempts to turn her into a supersoldier as well, however only succeeds in giving her regenerative abilities - HYDRA attempts to kill her thinking they failed completely leaving her in the woods of Siberia presumed dead. Now, back in the 21st century, they meet again.

PART 1

 “I wish I could just google “what to wear to when you’re about to see your ex after eighty years…” I flipped through my closet having to adjust my towel every two seconds to keep it from falling, “Casual right? But like how casual?” I groaned feeling like a teenager about to go on her first date.

     I grabbed a simple pair of ripped jeans and one of my old NYU shirts before blow drying my hair and putting on some light makeup. “Would it be bad if I showed up already drunk?”

     “Yeah don’t do that.” Sam, who had apparently let himself into my apartment, laughed

     “WHY?!” I yelled jumping a little, “Do you keep doing that? I did not give you a key so that you could scare me!”

     “Well, it is funny seeing you jump like that, not going to lie.” He chuckled standing up, “Alright, you ready to go?”

     “Am I dressed alright? I know you said it was just a couple people but its the Avengers you know?” I rambled a little feeling stupidly embarrassed and honestly terrified. I was terrified of meeting the rest of the Avengers, terrified that they wouldn’t like me, and most of all, terrified that every shield that I put up would come crashing down in the worst way possible upon remeeting Steve and Bucky.

     “We are literally just hanging out since everyone is back from a mission, so yes, you are totally fine.” Sam smiled his hand on the door ready to go, “They’ll love you okay?” I know he was just trying to reassure me but it didn’t help. My heart hadn’t raced like this since waking up from the first time I was killed. I hadn’t been this scared since I woke up in the HYDRA facility.

     “Okay, let’s just go.” I chucked grabbing my purse from the counter ready to meet the Avengers.

The drive to the compound was near silent except for the radio. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and if I hadn’t known better, I would think I was having a heart attack. Before the war, I never had any real issues with stress or anxiety, however now it was a frequent problem of mine. I assumed it was PTSD, from the war and HYDRA.

     About a half hour later we reached the compound.

     “So Steve and Bucky had to run out for a bit, but they’ll be back pretty soon. Natasha, Clint, and Thor are here and Tony should be back in a minute as well.” Sam explained as we walked up and into the compound the panic continues to set in.

     “Sounds great.” I gave him a shaky smile and Sam stopped standing in front of me, asking if I was okay, “Long day at work, don’t worry about it.” I tried to give him a more confident smile this time, and he appeared to believe me this time.

     I was in awe as we walked through the compound. It was beyond enormous but looked completely unassuming from the outside. We were welcomed by a voice that Sam referred to as FRIDAY who informed us that everyone was in the third-floor kitchen, leading me to believe there were multiple kitchens.

     “Everyone, I’d like you to meet Annie!” Sam introduced me to the group.

     “Isn’t she the girl you hooked up with?” The blonde asked laughing and Sam groaned.

     “Didn’t work out that way but yeah, I guess that’s me.” I laughed a little glad that the ice was already broken within the group. Everyone quickly introduced themselves, adding their code names as well for clarification.

     “Natasha,” the redhead smiled handing me a drink that I was incredibly grateful for, “nice to have another girl around. Pepper isn’t around much and Wanda and I get a little antsy with all the...testosterone around here.” I liked her already. At this moment, everything felt normal. It didn’t feel like I was drinking with the Avengers, the people who defeated Thanos, the people who saved the world from aliens. They felt like just any other group of friends.

     “Oh hey, you guys are back!” Wanda smiled already pretty tipsy after being a couple drinks in, much like everyone else.

     “Guys, this is Annie!” Sam jumped up pulling me up along with him, “Annie, this is Steve, Bucky, and Tony.”

     “Oh, you’re the girl from the coffee shop this morning. Bucky hasn’t shut up about you apparently.” Tony laughed as he walked past me heading to the bar behind me to grab three drinks.

     “Anna...belle.” Bucky blinked a couple times, “Annabelle? Is this some kind of trick?!” I could see the anger rising in Bucky’s face and everyone froze.

     “Bad break up?” Tony teased trying to make light of a situation he didn’t understand.

     “Ja-Bucky, let me explain.” I put my hands up in a quasi-defensive position, my entire body was shaking and I felt incredibly dizzy. I tried to calm myself, but the look of pure confusion, construed as anger, on Sam and Steve’s faces, and the look of betrayal on Bucky’s didn’t allow that to happen.

     “How are you alive?! Are you her daughter or something?” I could tell he was looking for a logical solution that made sense.

     “No, it’s really me…” I mumbled my voice shaking now. “After you two….after you two died there were a bunch of us who started investigating HYDRA.”

     “So you’re a HYDRA experiment?” Wanda asked her voice completely level and I nodded, “Are you another supersoldier? I thought they were all dead.”

     “I’m not a super soldier. I was supposed to be I think. But they couldn’t get the serum to work right, and then they didn’t brainwash me like the others, and I-I...I just need to go.” I couldn’t keep it together anymore and I ran out of the room back to the front entrance. There was no way I could leave without either walking all the way back or stealing a car. I just needed to get out of there before I passed out in front of everyone. The world felt like it was spinning too fast as I made it to the front and I stumbled down the stairs before just sitting down on the last one, trying to catch my breath for a second.

     “Annabelle…” I looked up to see Bucky standing in the doorway behind me after I had sat there for at least twenty minutes in the silence.

     “Bucky I’m so sorry, I” “I don’t get why you’re apologizing.” He cut me off and I looked at him shocked.

     “What...I’m apologizing because… because…” I honestly did not know why I was apologizing. When I was taken by HYDRA, Steve and Bucky were already dead or at least presumed dead. “I guess I’m apologizing because it should have been me.” I looked up at him tears in my eyes, “If they had gotten the serum right with me, they wouldn’t have turned you into the Winter Soldier.”

     “There were five of us, HYDRA created more super soldiers after me. So even if you did become a super soldier, they still would have turned me into the super soldier.” Bucky sat down next to me. It was incredibly tense and uncomfortable between the two of us. I had spent decades trying to push the war and HYDRA out of my mind, but here were all of those emotions and memories rushing back again.

     “I’ll be out of here as soon as I can either get an Uber here or Sam can drive me home.” I stood up and pulled my phone out of my pocket ready to try and get an Uber.

     “You think you are just going to leave?” Tony laughed now joining us on the front steps, “It’s like the three musketeers of the forties.” He continued, “But I’m serious, both of you get your asses inside.”

     Bucky and I walked back into the compound and even though I was feeling better, I still wanted to run away and never see any of the Avengers again. Even though Bucky didn’t appear to hate me, I could still tell he was hesitant and reserved. But now, now I have to face the others. Sam is going to hate me… I thought as the three of us walked back through the compound.

     “Alright, so everyone, this is Annabelle, she was a friend of mine from the war and was also experimented on by HYDRA but is not a super soldier” Buck explained his hand on my shoulder.

     “I was never brainwashed, I was a failed experiment that was supposed to be a super soldier, but for some reason, it didn’t work. Instead of being a super soldier, I just don’t...die? I guess.” It was hard to explain. I didn’t age but I’ve also been killed only to come back to life. I’ve only died three times so I didn’t know how many times I have left.

     “So were you ever going to tell me?” Sam asked calmly but I could hear the pain in his voice.

     “Honestly, probably not. I would give it a couple of years, say I got a new job in a different state or country, and then leave.” I looked down feeling incredibly guilty that not only did Sam know, but everyone knew that I would have just up and left.

     “You know Annie, we’ve met gods, gods who have tried to destroy us multiple times and he’s an Avenger. Bucky tried to kill us a couple times and here he is. So hearing that you’ve been around for a while doesn’t really phase most of us. Sure, I would have loved to know that you’re a little older you cougar, but you’re still you.” Sam chuckled to himself about his own little joke making everyone else either laugh or roll their eyes.

     “So...you don’t hate me?” I asked terrified of the answer.

     “Annie no.” He shook his head, “Sure, I feel a little betrayed because I don’t really know you, but over the past couple of months there can’t be so much that you lied about.” I was completely shocked. I had been playing this situation in my head over and over again and in my head, there was never a situation where Sam didn’t hate me.

     “Well, I say we drink to that!” Tony yells holding up a bottle of liquor “To the Three Musketeers, reunited again!” He laughed and I looked over at Bucky, looking for some sort of approval, and the small smile that was on his face gave me that sense of approval.

     “So what have you been doing since the war?” Steve asked me hesitantly after we were all a few more drinks in.

     “Well thankfully there weren’t a lot of questions asked since a lot of people didn’t have papers, so at first I worked in Russia which didn’t work out so well, then I moved to China which was stable till the Cultural Revolution.” I mentally recounted the different countries I had lived and worked in, “I mostly just worked as a bartender or in cafes, helping out as a military nurse whenever I could. Then, in the 80s I moved to Ireland and had a life there for a while, thanks to the Troubles I was able to get fake documents that essentially made me a citizen.” I continued. Even though it was a mess in Ireland, I still loved it there.

     “So you must be really, really amazing at making drinks?” Clint asked and I nodded.

      “I’m not as great at the fancy tricks, but if you’re good at making drinks, you don’t need all the tricks” I shrugged acting a little cocky with the number of drinks I’ve had.

     “Hmmm… you’re hired.” Tony giggled pointing at me with his empty glass

     “Maybe not. I like my jobs.” I laughed sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Natasha’s feet.

     “Fine, fine, but you’re staying here tonight. I have a few spare rooms for you to pick from.” Tony offered, “Of course, my room is always open since I’m sure you’d like an older man like myself.”

     “Tony, when I stopped aging I was 23...so I’m a little older than you, sorry. I don’t go for guys younger than me.” I laughed at his faked disappointment, “Also, don’t you have a wife?” I remember the wedding, televised, of course, it was so beautiful and the entire world watched as the amazing Iron Man got married.

     “Pepper...Pepper is something special.” Tony mused sitting back down smiling to himself, “She’s across the country on a business meeting right now, god I’m so proud of her. She runs this place you know? Stark Industries? Should be Potts Industries but that doesn’t have the right ring.”

     I leaned back against the couch a little more just smiling at everyone. I felt like for the first time, that everything was right and normal. No more lies, no more half-truths. Steve knew Bucky knew, Sam knew. And no one hated me for it.

[the-master-cylinder]

SUMMARY Anglers from the fishing village of Noyo, California catch what appears to be a monster. The young son of one of the anglers falls into the water and something unseen drags him under the surface. Another angler prepares a flare gun but he slips and accidentally fires it into the deck, which is soaked with gasoline dropped earlier by the boy. The vessel bursts into flames and explodes; everybody aboard is killed. Jim Hill (McClure) and his wife Carol witness the explosion. Later, Jim and Carol’s dog goes missing and the pair finds its dismembered corpse on the nearby beach.

The following day, teenagers Jerry Potter (Meegan King) and Peggy Larson (Lynn Schiller) go for a swim at the beach. Jerry is abruptly pulled under the water. Peggy believes it is a prank until she discovers his mutilated corpse. Peggy screams and tries to reach the beach but a monstrous figure drags her across the sand. The humanoid creature tears off her bikini and rapes her.

That night, two more teenagers are camping on the same beach. Billy (David Strassman) is about to have sex with his girlfriend, Becky (Lisa Glaser) when another humanoid monster claws its way inside, kills him and chases Becky onto the beach. She outruns her assailant but then runs into the arms of yet another monster, which throws her to the sand and rapes her. More attacks follow; not all of them successful, but few witnesses survive to tell the public about the incidents; only Peggy is found alive, though severely traumatized. Jim’s brother is also attacked, prompting Jim to take a personal interest in the matter.

A company called Canco has announced plans to build a huge cannery near Noyo. The murderous, sex-hungry mutations are apparently the result of Canco’s experiments with a growth hormone they had earlier administered to salmon. The salmon escaped from Canco’s laboratory into the ocean during a storm and were eaten by large fish that then mutated into the brutal, depraved humanoids that have begun to terrorize the village.

By the time Jim and Canco scientist Dr. Susan Drake (Turkel) have deduced what is occurring, the village’s annual festival has begun. At the festival, many humanoids appear, murdering the men and raping every woman they can grab. Jim devises a plan to stop the humanoids by pumping gasoline into the bay and setting it on fire, cutting off the humanoids’ way of retreat. Meanwhile, Carol is attacked at home by two of the creatures, but manages to kill them before Jim arrives.

The morning after the festival, normality seems to have returned to the village. Jim asks the sheriff about Dr. Drake. The sheriff mumbles that she went back to the lab, where she is coaching a pregnant Peggy, who has survived her sexual assault. Peggy is about to give birth when her monstrous offspring bursts from her womb, with Peggy screaming at the screeching baby.

PRODUCTION The 1980 release from Roger Corman’s New World Pictures has become infamous (and popular) for its mutant/beach bunny interaction and its shocking climactic variation on Alien’s chestburster. And amazingly enough, the notorious feature was directed by a woman! Although she has done many movies, Barbara Peeters knows what her legacy is. “I’m the mother of the Humanoids from the Deep,” she laughs. “No matter what I do, that damn movie haunts my ass!”

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The Iowa-born Peeters is a founding mother of the modern B-movie. While women were denied directing gigs at major studios, the dynamic Peeters was helming drive-in fare with feminist messages. Before Humanoids from the Deep, she did the girlbiker flick Bury Me an Angel (1972) and the sex comedies Summer School Teachers (1975). “It didn’t matter if it was a prison, biker or horror flick, because I would always manage to get my thinking in somewhere, even if it was just a comment,” she recalls. “When I did Humanoids, though, I was not a horror fan. I literally did it because I needed a job. As a kid, I thought Creature from the Black Lagoon was the scariest movie ever made. I looked at it before I started, and used whatever worked!”

Peeters recalls that she came onto Humanoids late; all of Corman’s boys turned it down, even Joe Dante and Roger finally offered it to me. Of course, I took it. After all, how many girl directors got offered a movie in those days?” She also faced a personal crisis: “I had been diagnosed with cancer, so it was important I show the industry I could still work.

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“It was a rough shoot,” she continues. “I believe that’s why the guys turned it down! No sleep, shooting all night on water. I worked in a wetsuit, which is funny because I can’t swim. We put the camera on a barge, got our wide shots. When it was time to shoot close-ups, the tide came in! It was a constant battle with the elements; the water was so choppy, we gave $5 to the first person to throw up. We found the location in June: Fort Bragg. When we went back to shoot, it was Thanksgiving, so the girls froze! I walked into ocean blowholes to find caves for our monsters.”

“I remember freezing,” says Turkel. “If you look at the boat scenes, I’m wearing a swimsuit while Doug’s in a sweater. I loved doing the monster autopsy, because I got to wear a nice warm lab coat!”

Actress/model Turkel had previously appeared in films like 1977’s thriller The Cassandra Crossing and the 1979 sci-fi actioner Ravagers (1979), while McClure was a ’50s cowboy star who had starred in ’70s cheese such as At the Earth’s Core, The Land That Time Forgot and Warlords of Atlantis. He once claimed Humanoids had a different title when he agreed to star in it.

“That’s true,” Turkel says. “When I got the script, it was called Beneath the Darkness, an interesting horror-thriller like Alien. Imagine how I felt when they changed it! Friends teased me when TV ads announced ‘Humanoids from the Deep, starring Ann Turkel!’”

As for veteran actor Morrow, “I loved him,” Peeters says. “I admired him in The Blackboard Jungle. His daughter visited during the shoot and hung out on set. Nice family; he died two years later. But we knew from the shoot that Vic was the clumsiest man on two feet. He never did his own stunts; Vic couldn’t walk and chew gum—he was the first one to tell you that. He really struggled in our fight scenes, and Doug McClure got Vic through those. Doug was a stuntman who could do anything; we choreographed our parking-lot brawl around him. We kept Vic in back, although he got to kick a guy in the stomach—he liked that!”

McClure, however, “was a funny drunk,” Peeters fondly recalls. “We had to ration his booze through the day. I had a PA keep an eye on him. We had to let him have a beer every couple of hours, because he was an alcoholic, and Vic was right there with him! Vic got cranky on booze and Doug got cranky sober, so we had to monitor them and make sure one got enough and neither got too much.”

Turkel “was nice,” Peeters says. “We probably should have done a nude scene with Ann-she was gorgeous! She was a Ford model in New York before she became an actress and married Richard Harris. She looked great in a swimsuit, too.” And the actress soldiered on through Humanoids even as she was going through an upsetting drama in real life. “Richard told Ann he was divorcing her right in the middle of filming. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that,” Peeters says sarcastically. “God bless her; Annie fell apart for 24 hours and then pulled herself together and did it. We were very tight; she’s a sweet girl.”

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“That was difficult,” Turkel admits, “but I wasn’t gonna let it affect my performance with all Barbara was going through, I wanted to help her as much as I could.”

The mutant fishmen show a complete lack of political correctness throughout Humanoids. Besides reckless sexual behavior, they also bump off children and dogs! “I didn’t mind killing the kid, murdering men and raping women, but I couldn’t bear to see dogs dead,” Peeters says cheerfully. “I left the set when the dogs were lying on the dock. They weren’t really dead, of course, but as a dog lover, I couldn’t bear to see them like that.”

SPECIAL EFFECTS The Humanoids are impressive brutes, equal parts Alien and ’50s critters like The Gill Man. With their exposed brains, mouths full of serrated teeth and nubby tails, they’re truly disturbing, resembling H.P. Lovecraft’s Deep Ones and sharing their lust for human women.

“On set, we called them ‘Noids,’” Peeters reveals. “When I read the script, I got to the part where it said, ‘Thousands and thousands of Humanoids emerge from the ocean…’ I asked Roger, ‘How are you planning on doing that?’ and he said ‘That’s your job!’ I believe we had two full bodied Humanoids, and the others were parts. I would hide how few we had with a flash of an arm, with one really close-up and another running way in the background. Sometimes I used mirrors! For the finale, I had Humanoids on a merry-go-round with mirrors, so I had the same one run back and forth in front of it. That meant you would see him in the foreground, but also see his reflection and think you were seeing two. We used pieces to create a third and another half in frame choking someone, so you got the sense that there was an army of Humanoids. It was a mathematical problem; I felt like Jesus with the loaves and fishes.

“Those monsters were invented by Rob Bottin, who we called “Robin’ back then,” the director recalls of the artist who would soon break out with his landmark work on The Howling and The Thing. “Robin was still a young boy

very serious about his monsters! Everything with him was dramatic and passionate. He broke down crying one day, I don’t remember why, but I thought, “Oh my God!’ It reminded me how young he was. Rob had a great team of guys, talented and hard-working. [Stuntman] Diamond Farnsworth was my ‘Noid who took the most abuse; he was terrific. I loved my ‘Noids.”

“I actually played a Humanoid,” Bottin laughs. “Several of my guys did also. I had the crew come to my place in El Monte, rather than go all the way down to Corman’s studio in Venice about 40 miles away, so we could do an effect in my garage. I thought I was smart, but I didn’t realize that while I was showing them the gag in my garage, Roger had them move my furniture onto the front lawn to shoot a scene in my living room!” As for working in the Pacific in a bulky Humanoid suit, “I kept telling the crew to be on the lookout for a hapless drowning whale-it would have to be me!”

Fellow Humanoid Steve Johnson, who also went on to an illustrious FX career, remembers that being an undersea mutant was no picnic. “Those suits were impossible to get into and out of,” he says. “Once you put on that costume, you were in it for the night. As a Humanoid, you had a tail made up of a series of hinges, so you could not sit down because that tail was incredibly uncomfortable. They also had extended arms, made by Chris Walas. We covered them with hemp fiber as seaweed, to hide the foam and joints, because nothing was finished! We were shooting all night, and making stuff up as we shot.

“Barbara Peeters thought I was the best Humanoid when it came to taking hits,” Johnson proudly continues. “Any time a Humanoid was shot, that was usually me all squibbed up. I raped one of the girls and doubled a male victim after he was mauled, because he didn’t want to wear all the prosthetics when his face is ripped off.” “Steve was great—a hardworking Humanoid, bless his heart,” Peeters adds.

“I had two great joys making the film,” Johnson says. “In one, a Humanoid gets a crowbar in the brain. Since I made the head, I said I would do it, because everyone else was afraid to; we had one head, so it had to be one take. I was nervous, but I knew where and how hard to hit it.

“Then I saw the funniest thing I have seen in my entire career: Bottin, in full Humanoid suit, with those ridiculously long arm extensions. Once you were suited up, you couldn’t even stand without help! With his tail on, he couldn’t sit, and he had those extensions he couldn’t take off, so he could not do anything with his hands—and they wouldn’t get to the shot. That always happens on movie sets, but he had been suited up for three hours as we filmed on a dock.

“Finally, Rob just blew up-screaming and yelling at the entire production team while wearing this Humanoid suit!” Johnson laughs. “He was gesturing with these big arms, wearing the monster head-it was the funniest thing I have ever seen.”

Also part of the Humanoids monster crew was Kenny Myers, “I was a makeup artist for Rob, but I did a bit of everything, including taking care of the guys in the suits,” he recalls. “I think my name is misspelled in the credits! I helped sew together the original Humanoid suit, which took eight hours, and we actually sewed the guy into the outfit, because the pieces hadn’t been assembled yet. Shawn McEnroe and I sewed all these rubber pieces on by hand.

“Rob, Steve and their crew had just finished Tanya’s Island, and were completely burned out,” Myers continues. “The guys were walking zombies, so Rob brought me in for fresh blood. We never got a Humanoids script, so we never knew what was coming at us until the day before. Things like the dead dog on the beach? We literally threw clay onto a board and sculpted it! We used foam and hair to make that dog; almost everything was done in a day.”

How did Humanoids from the Deep come about?

Roger Corman: Much like with Piranha, someone had brought me the screenplay for Humanoids- I can’t remember who—and I had it rewritten and we made it simply because I liked the story. It was unusual, actually, that both pictures came from outside sources, because more often than not, all the ideas for our films came from me.

Humanoids is full of sex, nudity and sexual violence. Having a woman Barbara Peeters, direct it was unusual. Did you hire a woman because the subject matter was potentially volatile?

Roger Corman: No, I brought Barbara on board because she was a good director.

Did you tangle with the ratings board at all with this film?

Roger Corman: On Humanoids, we stayed within the boundaries of the R rating, and had no problem getting it. If I remember correctly, we had to cut very little, if any. thing. When I talked to Barbara about the movie PIRANHA initially, I told her that the premise was very simple: the Humanoids rape the women and they kill the men. And she said, “OK, got it,’ and that’s what she did!

Being a Humanoid victim was not easy, according to actor Greg Travis, who plays KFISH DJ Mike Michaels at the film’s end. “It was my first movie I was 19, and a Humanoid rips my chest off,” says Travis. “I’m with my girl sidekick, Miss Salmon (Linda Shayne), as the monsters attack. I’m caught between a Humanoid and Miss Salmon, so he kills me. They put a prosthetic across my chest, so when he claws me, my chest falls off, blood squirts and I spasm.

“The monsters were creepy, though they were never quite as scary up close as they are on film because of lighting,” Travis notes. “Linda was uptight because she had to get topless. I was gonna do a hand move pretending to touch her chest like a dial, but she got bent out of shape and wouldn’t do it. I did get to put a K-FISH sticker on a girl’s butt, though.”

The actor recalls that a good deal of improv went into the experience: “There was a DJ in the script, but I ad-libbed most of my dialogue. As I was a stand-up comic, they liked what I did. My roommate David Strassman was also in it, with his dummy, Chuck Wood. He’s the ventriloquist with the girl. He plays Vegas now. We always laugh about being killed by Humanoids from the Deep!

“We did pickup shots all night in Malibu,” he continues. “I bought a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken on my way down. The crew laughed at me: “You don’t need that; we have craft services bringing a big dinner!’ But their truck couldn’t find the location, so my chicken was all they had.

They loved me, man. Especially Rob Bottin, he and I ate KFC all night.” In the midst of the mayhem, Peeters includes a disturbing moment where a Humanoid pulls a little girl away for mating purposes. “I liked that because it was unsettling,” she says. “There’s another shot of people screaming and running around a crying baby. I got that from Sam Peckinpah, who said, ‘You don’t realize you’re in danger until you see children in danger.'”

Her favorite scene, however, “is when McClure’s wife, played by Cindy Weintraub, is home alone with their baby. You see a shadow on the wall as Humanoids attack. You can never get a baby to cry on cue, but he started screaming on his own. I thought that sequence was scary, as the monster hand comes through the door. You go ‘Oh shit!’ as Cindy grabs the knife. That low angle of the hand really worked. We also did a cool close-up across the room-you see the fire and a slow pan across the Fisher Stereo to Cindy. We included that shot because Fisher said if I did it, I could have the unit. I always loved freebies!”

In Humanoids’ crowd-pleasing climax, Dr. Drake discovers that Humanoid rape victim Peggy (Lynn Theel) is pregnant. She suddenly realizes this isn’t a normal pregnancy (first clue: Peggy got pregnant in a day!), and the poor girl’s stomach explodes as she gives birth to a baby creature. “We shot the monster birth at a community hospital in Fort Bragg,” Peeters recalls.

“Rob made it all happen; it was an elaborate scene he pulled off. One guy pumped blood while another Kenny—was under the table pushing the baby through; it was hilarious. Annie saying, ‘Push, dear, push!’ to get the little Humanoid out was like a Saturday Night Live sketch.”

“Oh, that was so funny,” Turkel adds. “Here I am, a scientist, and all I do to help is say, ‘Push, Peggy, push!’ It was a very messy scene, too.”

“That monster baby is one of my all-time favorites,” Myers says. “I was under the table, Lynn was pregnant on it and this is where it got insane. I had this pregnant appliance on her, and I was between her legs with a pump, making her belly jump. Lynn started giggling-Kenny? You’re tickling my thighs!’ My head bobbed up between her legs, the most obscene-looking thing you’ve ever seen. Nobody could stop laughing during this dramatic scene! Lynn had the hotel room across from us effects guys, and was a doll. A Playboy Playmate, nicest girl you’d ever meet; even sang me ‘Happy Birthday,’ ” Myers says fondly.

“Oh, Lynn was a trouper,” Peeters says. “I felt bad, because we put her through a lot. In the scene where we find her in the kelp bed, Lynn turned blue from hypothermia! The ‘Noids went into freezing water with wetsuits underneath, but poor Lynn was just in a bikini, dying out there.”

Peeters wasn’t responsible for the film’s worst moments of misogynist monster mayhem. After Humanoids wrapped, Corman had Battle Beyond the Stars director Jimmy T. Murakami punch up the sex and violence. “Roger put in a couple of nude-women scenes to spark up the movie,” Peeters explains. “He added the Salmon Queen being ravaged to the ending we shot, the tent attack and the rape of Peggy on the beach-shot on a dark and grainy film stock that didn’t match ours. When Peggy’s attacked, I only shot her screaming, with her hands clawing the sand as the Humanoid drags her away. You saw the monster’s hand on her leg, that’s it—you didn’t see anything else because it was too early! You don’t know what happened to her. Later, in the ‘Noids’ nest, you find her naked in the kelp bed and think, ‘Oh my God-at least she’s alive!’ I don’t really think we needed the shot of the Humanoid humping her, though I have no problem with nudity; I just thought it took the terror out and changed the whole tone.

“Roger decided to have ‘one of the boys’ do those scenes,” she continues. “When Ann and I went to the screening, we saw them for the first time, with no idea they had been added. I was furious, because I had put in so much energy and went through hell to make the film. Seeing this stuff, with no attempt to integrate it? Ugh! It pissed Ann off, and she was much more vocal about it than me.”

“I really was,” Turkel says. “That’s why I went public, it wasn’t the film I made. I did it because Richard (Harris) pointed out to me that Peter O’Toole had the same thing happen with Caligula, when they added [pornographic] stuff after he shot his scenes. I complained to SAG and People magazine.”

For her part, Peeters “wanted my name taken off, because it wasn’t the movie I made—and they misspelled my name on half the posters anyway! I appeared in the LA Times disowning Humanoids as it opened.” She adds that, as in her previous features, she had hoped to imbue Humanoids with a feminist message. “That’s what Ann and I were making: a horror movie from a feminine point of view. We felt we could make a scary film based on man’s obsessive desire to f**k with nature, the feminine side. The Humanoids were payback for corporate greed—it’s always the young, the old and the women who pay these bills. We did it within the horror formula. That’s the movie we made, then we saw what the boys did to it; the crass puppet and big-tittied Salmon Queen were creations of pimply dorks jacking off to a trite, worn-around-the-edges dick fantasy. That’s not what Ann or I wanted our names on. If there’s any message in Humanoids, it’s feminine survival in a male-dominated world; it ain’t easy out here, baby!”

Peeters recovered from cancer to become a respected director. “I now run Platinum Productions; I want to make films for senior citizens, an ignored market,” she says. “I’m working on mature comedies where I want everyone on the crew to be 50 and older, including the leads.” She caught Humanoids on TV recently, “and you know what? It’s a fun little thing,” Peeters says. “Overseas, it was called Monster, like the Charlize Theron movie. I laugh every time somebody says, ‘Monster won the Oscar’!”

SCORE/SOUNDTRACK

CAST/CREW Directed Barbara Peeters Jimmy T. Murakami (uncredited)

Produced Martin B. Cohen Roger Corman (executive)

Screenplay Frederick James Story by Frank Arnold Martin B. Cohen

Doug McClure as Jim Hill Ann Turkel as Dr. Susan Drake Vic Morrow as Hank Slattery Cindy Weintraub as Carol Hill Anthony Pena as Johnny Eagle Denise Galik as Linda Beale Lynn Schiller as Peggy Larson Meegan King as Jerry Potter Breck Costin as Tommy Hill

Rob Bottin   … humanoids creator & designer Roger George … special effects Chris Walas  … special effects Karoly Balazs    … makeup artist: second unit (as Charles T. Balazs) Steve Johnson    … special makeup effects assistant Marla Manalis    … hair stylist / makeup artist Shawn McEnroe    … special makeup effects assistant Kenny Myers  … special makeup effects assistant (as Ken Myers) Margaret Prentice … special effects makeup (uncredited)

CREDITS/REFERENCES/SOURCES/BIBLIOGRAPHY Starlog#296 Fangoria#265

Humanoids from the Deep (1980) Retrospective SUMMARY Anglers from the fishing village of Noyo, California catch what appears to be a monster. The young son of one of the anglers falls into the water and something unseen drags him under the surface.

[christinaepilzauthor-blog]

The Aristocracy in the Seventh and Eighth Centuries

by Annie Whitehead Last time I looked at the social organisation of the seventh century. Now, I'll be examining in more detail the role of the Aristocracy. At this time, a freeman's value was expressed in terms of wergeld (literally 'man-money'), the sum with which a feud could be averted. It was more than a man's price; it determined the scale of compensation due to him for injury, or for the breach of his peace, or injury to his servant's. It also defined a man's status in society. Characteristic terms used of the nobility in 600-735 were eorl and gesith, the former being found in Kentish documents. As well as the gesiths, there were the thegns - servants of the king not yet rewarded with land, or old enough to have received an inheritance. Possession of land often involved service and it is likely that, in the late seventh- century, connection by blood with a kind, service to a king, and particularly service at a royal court were important factors in determining noble status. Of the principes and comites (gesiths) mentioned by Bede, many were of the royal kin, and most had some service to perform at the royal court. But they were not only courtiers in the literal sense. The famous story of Imma gives real insight into the nature of the nobility of the age.

Bede depicted in the Nurumberg Chronicle

A young man named Imma is struck down in battle, and sets out to find his friends to take care of him. Instead he is found and captured by men of the enemy army and taken to their lord, who is a gesith of the king. Imma is afraid to say that he is a thegn, so he tells his captor that he is a peasant who came to the battlefield only to bring food to the soldiers. The gesith has his wounds attended to and as Imma begins to recover, the gesith orders him bound at night. After he has been a prisoner for some time, the gesith begins to notice that by Imma's "appearance, his bearing and his speech that he was not of common stock as he had said, but of noble family." The gesith calls Imma to one side and asks him to declare his origins, promising that no harm will come to him as long as he is honest. Imma confesses that he is a thegn, and the gesith says, "I realised by every one of your answers that were not a peasant, and now you ought to die because all my brothers and kinsmen were killed in the battle, but I will not kill you for I do not intend to break my promise." The first implication of this story is that a social gulf already separated the skilled fighting man from the peasant; manner of speech and knowledge of courteous ways betrayed the man of superior social status. The gesith himself was a significant figure; he was settled on an estate, in command of a powerful section of the royal army, and a victor in battle. He possessed a strong kindred of fighting men, and held the power of life or death over his captives. He was loyal to his oath, even though loyalty meant failure to take the correct vengeance for his kinsmen. Other references in Bede's Hist. Eccl. build up a similar picture of the typical powerful noble as a holder of land. When King Sigebert of Essex was assassinated, Bede considered it as just retribution for his failure to correct moral abuses on the part of his two comites (gesiths) who were his kinsmen. He was slain on the ham, that is to say the substantial estate, of one of his comites. In Northumbria two comites are said to have founded churches on their estates. So a picture emerges from the narrative sources of a great nobleman as a powerful military leader, possible of royal kin, settled on an estate, possessing a hall, and surrounded by retainers. With the conversion to Christianity, the bond between noble and king, originally so much that between household retainer and lord, was knit more strictly by Christian oaths. Kingship developed too, with the king no longer being regarded merely as in the folk, but over the folk. Royal blood and an honourable genealogy were essential for a successful king. Christianity emphasised the value of the blood royal, and established legitimate kingship was accompanied by an established legitimate nobility, and the ability to exercise lordship over freemen developed into the most obvious mark of nobility.

king, saint, and gospel

The law codes surviving from this period give an insight into the position of the nobility in society, and its relationship with the classes beneath it on the social scale. These codes have enough in common to give a picture of aristocratic society in what HR Loyn called an heroic age. Special privileges granted to the nobles included higher payment for infringement of their house peace, of their own personal surety, of the lives and property of their dependants and above all for their own persons. Clause 50 of Ine of Wessex's code (688-94) reads:

"If a gesithborn man intercedes with the king or the king's ealdorman or with the lord for members of his household, slaves or freemen, he the gesith, has no right to any fines, because he would not previously at home restrain them from ill-doing." 

One thing that may be noted from this is the implication that one gesith may be under another's lordship. More importantly, it is clear that the state imposed on every lord some responsibility for his men's behaviour. We are not told how the West Saxon lord exercised his coercive power, but the lord's right of jurisdiction, with the right in normal circumstances to take a portion of the misdoer's fine, is clearly visible. Other illustrations of the lord's position exist: in seventh-century Kent a noble could clear himself of an accusation by his unsupported oath, while a ceorl would only do so with three of his own class (Whitred19;20). A lord could expect to have the faithful service of his men, and when they died, they were expected to render one final gift: their heriot, (literally 'army gear') varied with the status, not of the lord, but of the man. The duties expected of the nobility extended further than that of keeping their own freemen and dependants under control. The nobility featured strongly in what could loosely be termed as local government, particularly administration and judicial proceedings. The clause in Ine's code already referred to, has a further implication, which is that the nobleman had the duty of interceding for members of his household in the pubic courts. Knowledge of such public courts is vague. Presumably they owed much of their authority to the dignitary who presided over them – king, ealdorman or great lord. There were matters that demanded interpretation by wise men, by elders of the moots. At the highest level of the kingdom such men were drawn together in an assembly to give special sanction to the promulgations of dooms (judgements, pronouncements.)

the king with his council

The king legislated with the advice of his council, in fact some enactments seem to have gone out in the name of the latter alone. Copies were sent to the ealdormen in charge of the various provinces. These ealdormen were royal officials appointed by the king. Sometimes they were related to the royal house, quite often they belonged to the family that had ruled the province before its absorption into a larger kingdom. According to Dorothy Whitelock, they were most often drawn from the king's thegns. Within his own area of operations, the ealdorman was the king's representative. He led the forces of this district in war, and presided at its judicial assembly (as we have already seen). Like the king, he had official estates, and rights of claiming hospitality for his officials and messengers. It has been suggested that the ealdorman had two wergelds: one as his right as a member of society and one for his position as a royal official. We have seen that the nobility were the top rank in a carefully structured hierarchical society, closely connected to the king by blood, or service. To sum up their functions in society and government, here's a quote from Whitelock's The Beginnings of English Society: "From early times kings were in the habit of granting to private landowners, the profits of jurisdiction over their own lands or over their own men, and sometimes over wider areas. This is so already at the date of Ine's laws." The nobleman was a respected member of society, owing service to the king in military, judicial, and administrative capacities. In reward for these services he was given grants of land. His duties involved the lower end of the social scale in that he had an obligation to protect the people under him. The nobleman was a central figure in the social organisation and government of Anglo-Saxon England.

~~~~~~~~~~

Annie Whitehead is an author and historian, and a member of the Royal Historical Society. Her first two novels are set in tenth-century Mercia, chronicling the lives of Æthelflæd, Lady of the Mercians, who ruled a country in all but name, and Earl Alvar who served King Edgar and his son Æthelred the Unready who were both embroiled in murderous scandals. Her third novel, also set in Mercia, tells the story of seventh-century King Penda and his feud with the Northumbrian kings. She is currently working on a history of Mercia for Amberley Publishing, to be released in 2018. Amazon Page Website Blog

Hat Tip To: English Historical Fiction Authors

[nathanscovell]

Friday the 13th in October! You couldn’t ask for a better month for such an evil day. That’s why we’re sharpening our machetes and kissing our mothers severed head so long as we review the Friday the 13th series! Hold on to your nuts because we’re breaking down a crap load of horror films for one single day. Man I’m so excited to watch every Friday the 13th film over again. I haven’t done this since I was a teenager! It’s going to be EPIC! Jason is so cool. Slicing and dicing his way through all these people! Jason is the most recognizable villain of all time and his movies are the longest running horror series so how can it be bad? Look at all these movie posters!

JUST LOOK IT THEM ALL!

Take it from Michael Bay, if you have something good (or just marketable to stupid children) then you just make it over and over and over and over again. No matter how many times people cry ‘stop!’

Oh yea, be mindful of the progression of plot changes for each movie. After I awoke in the hospital after watching all of them. I finally remembered what they’re all about. It took a while, but it all came back to me. Let me tell you something, the Friday the 13th films have some serious drug users writing their scripts.

Friday the 13th – 1980

In the peaceful campgrounds of Camp Crystal Lake, young counselors are preparing for a long summer. Little do they know that terror lurks within the woods, seeking the right opportunity to slaughter and punish those seen guilty!

Killer is Pamela Voorhees, not Jason Voorhees.

Friday The 13th Part 2 – 1981

Five years after the slaughter of Camp Crystal Lake, a neighboring camp is prepping for the summer.  With the bloody events and the memory of Mrs. Voorhees just fire side chats; it seems that this summer will be one to remember.

Jason appears wearing a burlap sack instead of a hockey mask. Does not use the machete.

Friday the 13th Part 3 – 1982

A day after the events of part 2, Jason Voorhees escapes and is wondering Crystal Lake, killing and surviving. Jason soon comes along a group of friends staying in a vacation home named Higgins Haven. This will be one vacation of blood splattering 3D slaughter!

The iconic image of the machete wielding hockey mask Jason finally appears. Also, more creative and brutal deaths. Not centered at a summer camp.

Friday The 13th – The Final Chapter – 1984

It’s summer and the all girls camp, Camp Walden is underway! Which means fun, excitement and personal discovery. But for our young red head girl Annie; this summer will be more than she bargained for. Forced to spend the rest of the summer with another girl named Jason Voorhees the two who were once enemies discover a friendship far greater than just friends. Annie and Jason are sisters! Twin sister to be precise. Discovering of their parents divorce; it’s now the mission of these two ladies to bring their love torn parents back together! Join us with spectacular fun and a rip roaring Disney grandpa humping good time with Friday the 13th Part 4!

Friday The 13th – A New Beginning – 1985

Convicted for a murder he did not commit, Jason Voorhees will remain the rest of his days as a prisoner in Shawshank prison. His only friend, an Asian African American Jewish Rabbi woman named Pedro. Pedro is Jasons one source of power to fuse the the alternate dinosaur dimension and our very own together. But first he has to get rid of those pesky plumbers! But before that they must kill the chosen one that would bring balance to the force! Once more the sith will rule the galaxy and Jason Voorhees will become the next Captain of the SS Enterprise. With the use of a magical asteroid stone, Jason will gather all his strength and resources to correct the wrongs of society and bring justice once more to the people of Eternia. I HAVE THE POWER!! Rated PG-13.

Friday the 13th – Jason Lives – 1986

Jason Voorhees must carry the ring of power to mount Sinai and battle a crazed Charlton Heston with a sword made of Nerf! With the help of his handicapped brother Lloyd Christmas; Jason will sacrifice everything in order to help keep his altimeters stricken wife happy. It seems reading from a personal journal to her every day really doesn’t mean anything when the bitch can’t remember jack! Join in the action and adventure as Jason embarks on a ride across a barren wasteland to bring a group of hot teens freedom from their over possessive Mormon dictator husband Immortan Joe. Rated PG-13.

Friday the 13th  – The New Blood – 1988

A girl named Tina that happens to be a witch, helps break out her little brother Jason Voorhees from a mental institution. Tina discovers that Jason is a Nintendo prodigy and they go to California for Jason to compete in a NES championship for a new awesome NES game titled Friday The 13th! Headed across the country Tina and Jason embark on many adventures and bond! Maybe even healing with the help of each other. Join us for this family friendly romp! Rated R for sexual content.

Friday the 13th – Jason Takes Manhattan – 1989

Jason Voorhees and his team of muppets have just graduated from college. Armed with enthusiasm and hope, the team decides to take their musical Manhattan Melodies straight to Broadway. Our friends are going to be stars! But being a hit on Broadway isn’t as easy as one would think. Lots of sexual frustration and static electricity. Things are a giant mess! Especially for a machete toting killer, frog, pig, bear and whatever Gonzo is. Join us on this family friendly musical! Rated PG.

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday – 1993

Jason Voorhees has finally died due to a police unit hellbent on ending his reign of terror. Ahh, poor Jason. But guess what Jason is going to heaven where his son has turned into a black guy and things look and feel like a painting. But wait, Jason’s wife isn’t there and she died years ago. Oh no, we didn’t mention that suicides go to hell (not really hell, just a place you exist for eternity that reflects the feelings of your soul). Jason must travel back to the physical realm and find a body to control in order to free his wife. Join us on this spiritual journey of self reflection. Rated PG-13.



Are we done? Y-y-y-y-you mean there aren’t anymore?

WOM-WOM-WOOOM, WOM-WOM WOM WOM WOOOOM.

WHAT!? Two more films? There’s really two more Jason films? Oh please no! Tell me it’s not true!

WOM WOM WOOOOM, WOM WOM.

Wait, what’s that? I don’t have to watch them? You mean the 2009 one and that Freddy Vs Jason films don’t count! Oh thank God. Thank you so much mam.

WOM-WOM.

I love you too Charlie Brown teacher.

WOM WOM WOM!!!

I don’t mean love as in, “hey teacher let’s bang” I mean like a motherly kind of way.

WOOOOM.

Ok, so things got a little cloudy there for a while. I don’t know where my head was. I kept slipping in and out of consciousness and I had this weird Charlie Brown universe dream going on. I don’t think I can ever do another Friday the 13th marathon anymore.

So as you might have guessed after part 3, the series started taking a dive in quality. The stories were always the same and with very little plots. I guess the main purpose of the films was to show people dying in brutal ways. However, I will say that being a fan of Cabin in The Woods does put Friday the 13th into a new perspective. The stories are all the same but it’s all a part of a great ritual that keeps the old evil gods dormant. Jason is just fulfilling the duty man!

I actually do like the first and second films. The POV camera got a little annoying after the first few kills. But the third one seemed to get rid of it. I also find it interesting how Jason Voorhees isn’t even in the first film. The killer is his mother and she’s seeking sweet justice. Jason finally comes in part 2 and he’s wearing a burlap sack over his head.

By the fourth film, The Final Chapter; things just seemed to get boring. Unless you consider Crispin Glover dancing to be awesome.

From what I heard, he was actually dancing to an ACDC song “Back in Black.” Which gives reason to his insane moves. But to be honest, I played that song at the same time he was dancing and he still looks ridiculous. I will admit that Glovers death is hilarious.

Part 5 is more a psychological movie. Jason isn’t even in the film. Turns out the killer was a father of a Jason victim. He just took the mantle of killing these teens that he blamed for his kids death. It’s literally a recycling of the first film. It may have tried to take a fresh approach but it was boring to watch. Plus John Shepherd who plays the grown up Tommy is the worst actor I have seen in any Friday film.

You see that face, that’s his face the entire movie. He’s like a male version of Milla Jovovich from the crappy Resident Evil movies. Yea, she sucks in those and the movies are all garbage! She has an expression of a broken toilet!

Seriously, I don’t really have to say much about the other films because they’re all the same. Jason Takes Manhattan is a laugh fest of stupidity. Am I to believe that Jason awakens from the depths of Camp Crystal Lake, boards a cruise ship. Which then sinks in the New York Harbor!? WHO IN GOD’S GREEN EARTH CAME UP WITH THAT!!

I will say that Jason Goes To Hell is actually not all too bad. It kind of abandons the fornicating drugged up teens and gives the entire premise to Jason a more supernatural and solid ground. There’s actually a story involved that has structure and purpose. There were actual parts to this film that seemed less “slasher” and more monster.

It seems that this demon living in the body of Jason is what keeps him alive. But without the body this demon has to live within a host. Its not until it’s met with the blood of a Voorhees that Jason’s original state can be brought back.  It’s actually a point A to point B kind of story. Yea, it still sucks but at least it’s something!

So on this Friday the 13th, let us all appreciate Jason Voorhees. Let us all watch the first three films. If you’re brave like me, go ahead and watch every movie and then jab a pen in your temple like I did.

Day 13 for HMM we're getting honest with Friday the 13th! Friday the 13th in October! You couldn't ask for a better month for such an evil day.

[ricardosousalemos]

Fugazi: In on the Kill Taker

If 1991 was The Year Punk Broke, and 1993 was when the underground had fully bubbled to the surface, between that, the world got Cliff Poncier, the singer of the band Citizen Dick in Cameron Crowe's 1992 movie Singles. Cliff (played by Matt Dillon) is a musician in a band with Eddie Vedder, Stone Gossard, and Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam, and has an album out on an independent label. To a large swath of America that was still getting used to Kurt Cobain’s face and R.E.M. winning Grammys, Cliff was the fictional bridge into the world of indie artists. He’s “like a renaissance man” we’re told, but it’s obvious he wants to make it big. Everybody wanted that, right?

Alt was the new normal. Things had gone from “Our band could be your life” to stadium concerts opening up for rock legends and poisonous major label contracts. Nirvana followed up Nevermind with the Steve Albini-produced In Utero, former SST bands Dinosaur Jr., Sonic Youth, and the Meat Puppets enjoyed radio and MTV airtime, countless kids got copies of the No Alternative compilation, and grunge was officially a runway style thanks to Marc Jacobs. Fugazi’s independent scene had become a global phenomenon, funded, largely, by corporate money.

Fugazi—reluctantly—turned into one of the last bands standing from the old guard of American punks. They became a band that mainstream kids and college radio stations wanted to check out at the perfect time in their career. Fugazi’s nonstop touring made their music more accessible to a wider audience than ever before. They had an organic buzz that led to better distribution deals, which allowed them to remain fiercely independent. To kids straddling the Generation X and Millennial borders, Fugazi were a touchstone, an introduction into the DIY mindset. Their ability to get people excited without a team of advertisers, big hit song, or anything besides word of mouth is, at this point, the stuff of legend.

And while their hardcore contemporaries were chasing big contracts and slots on the Lollapalooza tour, Fugazi teamed with groups like Positive Force—a Washington D.C. youth activist collective that took on poverty and George H.W. Bush’s war in the Middle East—to the band’s decision to only play all-ages shows with a low door price, Fugazi wanted to let you know they stood for things, and that maybe you should, too. Punk was more than just not knowing how to play an instrument but having something to say, it was about starting a zine, doing distribution, or going to a protest to fight inequality in all its forms. They were champions of the utopian freedom of the 1960’s filtered through the busted amps of punk. If there was any environment for Fugazi to put out the biggest record of their career, this was it.

Since the band considered live shows to be their most natural setting, Fugazi toured relentlessly between albums. One look at the band’s show archives finds them playing the Palladium in New York City to 3,000 people on a spring night in 1992, Father Hayes Gym Bar in Portland, ME to 750 people a few nights later, then wrapping up an East Coast tour at City Gardens in New Jersey to a hair under 1,000 before embarking on a tour of Europe two weeks later. At some point during 1992, even though none of the band’s 73 shows were played anywhere near the Midwest, they found time to go to Chicago to record with Steve Albini. Self-producing their second LP Steady Diet of Nothing left the band “pretty disappointed at the end of the day with that record,” as Ian MacKaye would later say. Bassist Joe Lally found the experience “weird,” and that going to Chicago to record new songs was less about getting a new album out of the sessions, “it was more about working with Steve.”

The resulting demos were not what the band or producer wanted. The song “Public Witness Program,” had the same buzzsaw guitar and sped-up tempo of what you’d expect from one of Albini’s own Shellac songs. “Great Cop,” sounded much more like a raging hardcore song than the band may have wanted. The sessions, which float around file sharing sites and YouTube, would end up being simply a footnote in American indie history; titans from the 1980s underground getting together to mess around. In the end, after they made it back home to D.C., the band received a fax from Albini saying, “I think we dropped the ball.”

The band just couldn’t beat the sound they created in their hometown, so they entered Inner Ear Studios with Don Zientara and Ted Niceley in the autumn of 1992. When they finally emerged playing their first show on February 4th, 1993, at the Peppermint Beach Club in Virginia Beach, the 1,200-person crowd got a set filled with almost all new material, peppered with older songs like “Suggestion” and “Repeater.” The band went on an American tour that stretched over 60 shows. In on the Kill Taker was released on June 30th, sold around 200,000 copies in its first week alone, and Fugazi cracked the Billboard Top 200. Later in August, they played a show in front of the Washington Monument to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King’s march on Washington. Five-thousand people crowded the outdoor Sylvan Theater and this time, when they played their new songs, the crowd knew every word.

Like the albums that came before it, In on the Kill Taker begins small and grows into something larger. Maybe it’s a metaphor for how Fugazi sees the world, or at least the one they helped to build: “Facet Squared” opens with a few seconds of near-silence that builds into feedback, then some guitar mimicking a heartbeat checks in at the 15-second mark, joined in by the rest of the band who work together building up what sounds like it will be a slow jam with no real leader. The guitars, along with Joe Lally’s bass and Brendan Canty’s drums, all work together like a machine. MacKaye’s guitar takes over for a few seconds, signaling the next level the song is about to take. That buildup leads to one of MacKaye’s most furious deliveries as a singer, opening by claiming, “Pride no longer has definition,” with the kind of energy and anger he channeled in his younger days with Minor Threat. The song ends and cuts right into Canty pounding away to start the Guy Picciotto-fronted “Public Witness Program.” Complete with handclaps, a ringing chorus, and Picciotto yelling, “Can I get a witness” like a punk preacher; it showcases the band at their most driving. This is the closest you get to a polished Fugazi record, but by no means is it slick.

MacKaye, in an interview for Brandon Gentry’s book Capitol Contingency: Post-Punk, Indie Rock, and Noise Pop in Washington, D.C., 1991-1999, believed that little bit of shine was intentional, the result of producer Ted Niceley reacting to what he heard from the popular bands with the same DNA as Fugazi that were getting heavy airplay. “It’s that consciousness of radio,” MacKaye said, “that puts me off a little bit,” while also railing against the producer’s “total fixation on detail.” Yet it’s exactly that consciousness of radio and fixation to details that gives In on the Kill Taker its real edge. It’s hard to imagine a song like “Cassavetes,” with Picciotto conjuring up the ghost of the dead director, screaming, “Shut up! This is my last picture,” being sandwiched between the Smashing Pumpkins and Candlebox on a radio station’s playlist. The extra lacquer on top only makes it more scathing and visceral.

There’s no single on In on the Kill Taker. Besides “Waiting Room” somehow becoming one of the defining Gen. X anthems, Fugazi never set out to make any one song hold any more importance over the others to try and get radio program directors to pay attention. In fact, on their third album, they threw all curve balls, going from fast and hard to slow to mathy and instrumental. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Picciotto and MacKaye had helped lay the foundation for the hardcore and emo scenes in the ’80s with Rites of Spring and Minor Threat respectively. The roots of Fugazi were blooming out into hundreds of sub-genres and taking hold in regional scenes across the country. Fugazi appealed to such a vast swath of people, something a lot of punk, hardcore or indie bands couldn’t claim in 1993, and In on the Kill Taker had something for everyone.

Songs like “Smallpox Champion,” again with that slow start that builds, then blows up into Picciotto delivering a sermon, railing against America being a country founded on genocide, “The end of the future and all that you own.” While “23 Beats Off” sounds like a song from Wire’s early years literally stretched and pulled out to nearly seven minutes, MacKaye going from singing (as best he can) to screaming about a man who was once “at the center of some ticker tape parade,” who turns into “a household name with HIV.” You get a dose of the past, present, and future listening to these twelve tracks.

Lyrically, it’s also one of the more ambitious albums from the era. While burying any meaning beneath a pile of words like Cobain or bands like Pavement were so fond of doing was certainly du jour, Fugazi liked to mix things up. Picciotto flexed that English degree he got from Georgetown, while MacKaye’s muses were Marx and issues of The Nation. The band blends political with poetic, while sometimes erring on the side of the latter. If there’s any deeper meaning behind “Walken’s Syndrome,” besides being an ode to Christopher Walken’s character in Annie Hall, it’s difficult to tell what that is. “Facet Squared,” with MacKaye singing about how “flags are such ugly things,” could either be about nationalism or the facades people wear when they go out in public, you pick. Maybe that’s what they wanted the listener to do.

Fugazi were so unbelievably popular that it was more so the idea of Fugazi had caught on like it was just another adjective like goth or grunge. Even with their famous anti-merchandise stance, an entire small economy of bootleg shirts popped up, including the infamous “This Is Not A Fugazi T-Shirt” t-shirt. The press also took even more notice. Rolling Stone, in a positive review, said Fugazi had inherited the title of “The only band that matters” from the Clash, while Spin wasn’t so hot on it, calling the members “radical middle-class white boys” and the album “rigid, predictable.” The food critic Jonathan Gold, whose music writing tends to be overlooked when discussing his oeuvre, gave it three out of four stars in his LA Times review. In on the Kill Taker wasn’t hailed as a masterpiece or an album that was changing the game, but everybody needed to weigh in on Fugazi.

And as a profile that came out in the Washington Post a month after the album’s release showed, everybody wanted to be associated with them. The article mentions fans like Eddie Vedder, “rock’s couple of the moment,” Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, and Michael Stipe, who shows up to one of the band’s shows in Los Angeles: “He dances the hokey-pokey in the street in front of the Capitol Theatre with Fugazi drummer Brendan Canty,” in a very 1990s moment. In on the Kill Taker isn’t brought up until somewhere near the bottom of the piece. It was almost like saying that you liked or knew them was like a badge of honor, it absolved you of your own sins. The music was eclipsed by the message.

Mainstream interest in Fugazi was never as strong as it was during the period surrounding their third album. Two years later, when they released Red Medicine, the spotlight had shifted to pop-punk bands like Green Day and the Offspring. Fugazi continued to put out albums and pack shows that usually cost around five dollars, but the press was less interested in figuring out this crazy band with their wild set of ideals.

Many of the people who did pay attention to Fugazi, however, reacted. Like Brian Eno said of the initial 10,000 or so people who heard the Velvet Underground when their first album came out, the hundreds of thousands of people who bought In on the Kill Taker or saw the band as they trekked across America, Canada, Japan, Australia and New Zealand, that year and beyond, were impacted in some way. Maybe it was one kid out of 1,200 in attendance on September 27th, 1993 who saw them in Philly with the Spinanes and Rancid, or another of the 100 who saw them in Kyoto, Japan. Maybe a 15-year-old girl read about them in a magazine, this band that everybody was talking about, and decided to start her own band. Maybe it was a kid in El Paso, or a kid in Iowa City, or Greensboro. Maybe they inspired another kid to start a zine, which led them to realize they wanted to be a writer. Maybe 10,000 teens were so moved by Fugazi in 1993 that the ideas the band lived and worked by were ingrained into how those people have tried to go out and face the world.

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 125 Poll Results

The chapter 125 poll closed with 1,469 responses. Thank you for your support! This month’s poll results were compiled by /u/alooulla,  /u/_Puppet_, @shifter-lines​ and @momtaku​.

RATE THE CHAPTER 1,387 RESPONSES

While still overwhelmingly positive, and slightly improved over Chapter 124, the “wow” factor still wasn’t there for many. Those selecting a perfect five was less than half of respondents (49.3%).

Transitions were unbelievably good, hardly noticed we were at 5 different scenes this chapter.

Not really hype like some chapters have been, but it was wonderful to see all the character and story development.

Created a number of different plot threads, but was not as satisfying as recent chapters

Everyone in this chapter (except Flock) deserves love

Good chapter, juggles lots of POVs excellently and opens up multiple opportunities for where the story may go. I love how desperate everything is.

Beats gonna drop soon

Jean honey if you push Floch out the hole in the wall everyone will swear it was an accident

  WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT? 1,421 RESPONSES

They only appeared on two pages, but “Levi and Hange are back” was the top pick out of a long list of options with nearly one-third (27.7%) selecting them. “Armin and Mikasa’s argument” secured second (14.3%) and “Annie and Hitch together” (12.6%) round out the top three.

LEVI AND HANGE ARE BACK! OMG!!!

I loved Annie's backstory, the conversation between Floch and Jean, the talk between AM, Shadis, mr Leonhart, literally everything.

I loved hearing Annie and Hitch talk, and the Levi and Hange situation finally got addressed :)

I'm so happy to see Levi and Hange, and so happy that they've run into Pieck and Magath. I hope they can reach some kind of truce and work together.

Floch is the Queen of Paradis confirmed.

Shadis once again made this chapter for me. What a great, deep speech. He is a true hero.♡

WHO WAS THIS CHAPTER'S MVP? 1,416 RESPONSES

While denied the favorite moment, Annie was the favorite for chapter MVP with more than one-quarter of respondent (26.6%). Hitch, the other half of the girl power duo, made a strong showing (19.6%) for number two. Most shocking perhaps is that Hange (13.6%) squeaked out a narrow victory over Floch (12.6%) for third.

Annie is the best girl

Floch did nothing wrong

Hitch nipping at Historia's best girl-crown

HAAAAAAAAANGE

ANNIEEEEE A AAAAA AA A AA A A A A A A MY GIRL

Floch is such a crazy piece of shit, I love him, he's a great villain and I'm glad that Isayama added a character like that to the story. Also, funny with how he represents the rabid Eren stans, parroting the bs they keep saying ("we're free now reeeeeee").

S H A D I S  T H E  C H A D I S

Hange my queen how the hell did you save Levi, I wanna know!!

Hitch yeeting Annie made me scream, I love them together so much.

My babes Shadis and Magath are BACK!! 😍

So happy to see Hitch back. She is such a fun character and so underrated!

  THE CHAPTER OPENS WITH RESIDENTS OF STOHESS REACTING BOTH POSITIVELY AND NEGATIVELY TO EREN’S ACTIONS. WHICH EXPRESSION OF THE CROWD ARE YOU MOST SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS? 1,416 RESPONSES

The citizens of the walls are as divided as the fanbase over Eren’s actions.  36.7% are on the side that says the Eldians on the island would all be dead without Eren, while 34% respond with the fact that he’s responsible for many of their deaths himself.  25.1% don’t want to side with either faction.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs”

Both are right and wrong at the same time…

Both sides are ignorant as to what is actually happening so it is difficult to gauge who actually feels what they do considering their limited knowledge but I'm edging towards the justification of it.

Eren has planned this all along, he knows there will be no true peace by doing the rumbling and has some kind of third goal

Even if the first expression is true (and no one can say if it is or not for sure) it doesn't make the belligerents right, or mean that Eren shouldn't be held accountable for his actions

Both sides are justified. Both sides reacted according to their personal views in response to an outside force they had no control of.  

I sympathize with both. One on hand, it seems as though the wall titans were the only effective retaliation the island had left, but on the other hand, Eren did kill many of his own people and aiming to wipe out the rest of the world is definitely pretty extreme for even Eren. That's why I think there's still a HUGE part of his plan that we haven't been made aware of yet.

There's no real right answer here. Obviously genocide is bad and no one can deny the fact that Eren killed his own people but, what other options were available in the limited time they had?

Whatever your thoughts on The Rumbling, Eren is being extremely reckless and it's going to backfire like crazy. Member when Erwin pulled off an almost-bloodless coup? I have a feeling Ereh is too preoccupied with thoughts of PATHS and FREEDOM to really consider the consequences of stuff like civilian casualties or letting a fascist cult take over the government.  

What the tic tac patty wack snick snack quarterback big mac heart attack race track double back guy named jack did he just do?

Sasageyo

  ANNIE BACKSTORY! WHAT DID YOU THINK? 1,420 RESPONSES

Annie’s finally back!  And she sure got a lot of page time, finally getting her chance to speak her story.  The majority thought seems to be that it was okay, at 60.3%, whereas 33.2% absolutely loved it, and 6.5% thought it was a waste of time.

Develops her character a bit but otherwise not too important

we got an entire Annie backstory and it answered NONE of my questions about the crystal. If its purpose was just to protect her like the Warhammer's crystal, and she was semi-conscious -- why couldn't she escape it on her own?  Is there something unique about the Female Titan? Was it a chrysalis? Has she undergone a metamorphosis?

I'm just glad Annie's back

I really liked it and especially the Annie focus although I expected more from her justifications.

Don't care for her this late in the story tbh it's just a waste of pages

this chapter confirmed that Annie is the best character of SNK !

It was pretty much exactly what I expected, fairly boring and didn’t change my perception of her character at all

This puts so much context on the murders she committed back in the female titan arc and her personality in general. This is so great! Waited forever for this

I especially liked learning Annie's entire backstory, and her interactions with Hitch in this chapter were great.

Lil' Orphan Annie deserves more spinoffs. We need one about her awkward preteen years trying to fit in with the popular girls while continuously kicking them in half by accident.

MY GIRL ANNIE DESERVES MORE.

  AFTER CONSIDERING HER STORY, WHICH THOUGHT MOST CLOSELY MATCHES YOUR OWN? 1,410 RESPONSES

There sure was a lot to consider in all Annie said, and the two primary thoughts seem to be a feeling of tragedy that she never felt that anything mattered, and a hope that she’ll see her father again, at 23.7% and 22.6% respectively.  

Can't forget what she has caused, but glad she found meaning in life.

I hope she can find peace

I understand her reasoning, but her saying she'd do it all again hurt a lot.

Interesting plot point, but was it really necessary? Kinda felt like forced drama to add this "adoptive child" thing.

Is it wrong to wish for her happiness?

It may mirror Eren's motives. To her, nothing else matters except returning to her father, not even other people's lives. If Eren is intent on protecting his friends, then other lives wouldnt even matter.

It's interesting how seems similar she is to Reiner but how different they actually are. Annie is nihilistic and realistic because the lack of love, Reiner is idealistic and longing for love in a tragic way because he fantasize the love which doesn't exist

Annie has always been, in my opinion at least, one of the most honest characters, and I'm glad we can see that her core hasn't changed (but I’m so happy we can hear her talk and that we are finally getting some character development). Unlike Reiner and Bertolt, Annie never pretended to be friends with the Shinganshina trio, she never acted more nicely than she felt she should. She kept to herself and did what she knew she had to do. But this does not make Annie cold or resilient to atrocities; when she was manipulated by Reiner to take off Marco’s 3D maneuver gear, we can see she doesn’t do it easily and she does show remorse, in spite of everything. All of the SnK characters are tragic, some more than others, and for me, Annie is probably one of the most tragic ones. Adopted, trained to become a killing machine, completely alone with no one to really rely on once she joined the army, Annie goes towards her goal, stripping every bit of romanticism from the notions of peace, good vs bad governments, Marley, Eldia, humanity, etc. Annie does not fight, or pretend to fight, for the greater good; as perceptive as always, she sees the situation for what it is, just like she sees people for who they really are. I hope this brave young woman gets a happy ending with her dad.

  DO YOU FIND IT REASONABLE THAT ANNIE HAS BEEN SEMI-CONSCIOUS IN THE CRYSTAL ALL THIS TIME 1,411 RESPONSES

Hitch sure was surprised that Annie had actually been listening to her all that time, but the fandom wasn’t.  86.3% found it reasonable, but 10.7% still aren’t convinced it makes sense.

Considering we had Ms. Tyber being aware of her surroundings in her own crystal, looking back on that it's like "oh yeah that seems legit". Granted I'm sure Ms. Tyber had practiced the technic to use it in battle proficiently. But it doesn't seem too out there for Annie to be at least semi-conscious 

Honestly no. But this story has people transforming into giant monsters so I can't really complain.

I find hard to believe she is not crazy. Being unable to move in darkness for 4 years with only voices to keep her company is pretty brutal.

I'm wondering how her body condition is near to normal.

It reminds me of ymir being a mindless titan for 60 years

Wall titans also seemed to be semi conscious if I remember the original scene with eye movement and fear of light energizing them.

P A T H S

  ANNIE WAS COVERED WITH SOME SORT OF FLUID THAT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE EVAPORATING. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS? 1,408 RESPONSES

We ended last chapter on Annie in a pool of this liquid, and this time we see Hitch follow it to where Annie is.  But… what is it?  66.2% think it has something to do with the crystal’s hardening, 15.2% DO NOT want that knowledge, and 11.6% think it’s a human bodily fluid.

A fluid to keep her alive (something like the lcl in evangelion)

Amniotic fluid is the warm, fluid cushion that protects and supports your baby as they grow in the womb.

a liquid that makes her body hibernate so she can stay alive

I think it's a weakened form of the hardening. Perhaps it was also this fluid around the creature in the well from Ymir's backstory.

If I recall correctly, some crystals do have water in the form of “hydrates” so in theory, the fluid in Annie’s crystal is what kept her alive by supplying nutrients and and water to her body. Because of this, the fluid may have possibly come from Annie’s Titan as it formed the crystal around her.

amniotic fluid - some unique property of the Female Titan

Tears of readers who waited too fucking long for Annie to break through

Armin juice

  WHERE DO YOU THINK HITCH AND ANNIE ARE HEADING? 1,408 RESPONSES

So many groups in so many places!  Where is this one going to end up?  A little over half, at 55.9% think they’ll run into another group before they get to a specific destination, about a quarter at 23.4% think Shiganshina, and 19.2% think the port.

Following the Colossal Titans

Honestly it was very reckless of hitch to let Annie go. If she causes more trouble for Paradis then what will she do

Based on them leaving Stohess in the same direction as the colossal titans it is likely they will pass through Trost. They will continue south towards Shiganshina and maybe the port but on the way they will likely run into Hange, Levi, Pieck and Magath, or Connie, Falco, Armin and Gabi.

Kiyomi's plane

Marley, to Annie’s father

To Historia

  WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE STATE OF THE ELDIANS IN LIBERIO? 1,399 RESPONSES

We jump across the ocean, only to find Mr. Leonhart starting a rebellion in Liberio!  About half feel there’s going to be an absolute bloodbath, 32% are glad they’re finally rising up, 11% are focused on Mr. Leonhart being a badass, and 6.1% are scratching their heads as to how this is relevant.

I feel it's setting up for eldians in all internment zones rising up, although i don't know what significance that would hold if they're gonna be flattened like pancakes anyway

I'm actually glad because while I have still and always despised the Warriors, Annie's dad felt relatable to me, good to see non-powered, regular citizens rise up against the enemy

Isayama stop trying to be clever with names is there a single part of this series you haven't put thought into?

It is rather unsettling to see since it all seems to head towards a massacre although the reactions of the Eldians are understandable and sound.

It makes sense why they'd rise up: they know what's coming, and they just want to get to safety. After all, they should be spared from the Rumbling because of their race. As expected of the Marleyans though, they won't listen to the Liberio Eldians' current plea, and it will surely cost them (the Marleyans).

The Marleyans are comically dumb it's not even funny; I mean why would they orchestrate a revolt now

This was Eren's plan all along, he wants Eldians everywhere to rebel under the threat of the wall titans.

Why should we care about what happens to anyone outside the Walls? This scene was totally unnecessary.

Worldwide Eldian Rebellion I am excited

I'm worried about them! :(

  WILL MR. LEONHART SURVIVED THE SCUFFLE WITH THE GATE GUARD? 1,408 RESPONSES

A somewhat interesting split here; though most responders think there’s more to come with Annie’s father and being killed by the gate guard wouldn’t be the right way for him to go, especially with unfinished business with his daughter. The next highest response was ‘I am not sure’ followed by ‘No he won’t survive’ with a still respectable 24.7% of the vote. One to keep an eye on, here.

Weird that she wants to return home so much just because her dad was nice to her for a few minutes (he's been torturing her all her life).

It had some very much needed character development for A LOT of characters. I can't wait to see how certain plot points like Connie's mom and Annie's wish to see her dad will be resolved.

I saw some parallels between Mr. Leonhard vs. the guards and volunteers vs. Floch. Anarchy reigns; power struggles everywhere, yay! I want to see Mr. Leonhart leading a rebellion. I want to see Eldians all over the globe rising up and busting out of internment zones. Also - we got an entire Annie backstory and it answered NONE of my questions about the crystal. If its purpose was just to protect her like the Warhammer's crystal, and she was semi-conscious -- why couldn't she escape it on her own?  Is there something unique about the Female Titan? Was it a chrysalis? Has she undergone a metamorphosis? Will it even matter if Ymir is freed from her sand slavery and refuses to transform any more titans? Still -- it's interesting that Annie was adopted, and I have to wonder if her lineage is important.  Final thought: I'm growing tired of Isayama sidelining people by having them unconscious/uncommunicative. I get why he may want to render some characters unable to affect the plot at certain points but 'unconscious' is his go-to and I'm losing patience with it. Okay, Historia got stuck with 'pregnant' but I lost patience with that ages ago. Wake up already, Reiner. Say something, Levi. At least Falco's awake again. And Annie, for the love of Eldia, please explain your crystal.

Speaking of Mr. Leonhart, he may be crippled and defeseless against the Marleyan guards, but at least he wasn't swayed by fatalism against his current government unlike Jean/Armin.

  WHAT DID YOU THINK OF KEITH’S ADVICE TO THE TRAINING CORPS MEMBERS? 1,394 RESPONSES

Instructor Shadis is still instructing, and 46.1% of you are still chanting SHADIS THE CHADIS.  23.5% loved his advice, 16.5% enjoyed the callback to being a bystander, and 12.1% wish he’d encouraged them to rise up.

Foreshadowing that they‘ll overthrow Eren and Floche.

He gives up too easily. I don't like this.

I'm glad he told them not to fight the Yeagerists but for the wrong reasons

Shadis doesn't want them to risk their lives, understandable, but giving Floch&Co time to gain even more power is not a good idea.

He's being smart and cautious because they've had enough losses for now

By far the best piece of advice he could have given them. Not is it only the most reasonable thing to do in the current situation, but it also goes to show how much Shadis values life and how well, thanks to his experience, he can see what the future might bring. When he thought fighting was a viable option, he wanted the trainees and soldiers alike to dedicate their hearts (and he dedicated his own as well), but now when he sees that they’re clearly getting overpowered and that any form of resistance would inevitably lead to death, he advises them to stay put, but not lose sight of themselves. That’s what a good leader/ elder/ parent does. Despite the fact that he failed as commander and that he was usually the only one to come back from his missions outside the walls, he shows that he has learned a lot and can strategize and draw the right moves. And it even reminded me of Levi, this desire to not waste lives. And Shadis is special, I just wish he’d realize that along with many others. Unfortunately, a very underrated character.

I am hyped to see these characters actually amount to something because of chadis!

A giant death flag.

  WAS ARMIN IN THE RIGHT TO RAISE HIS VOICE AT MIKASA? 1,402 RESPONSES

Armin has returned to being shell-shocked like he was in Shiganshina, and he took it out on Mikasa, but was he justified?  Just over half don’t think he was justified, but don’t blame him for snapping.  23.9% believe it was the right choice to try to make her more independent.  The last two options are tied at 10.3%, saying he was completely in the wrong, and the other saying he was justified in that Mikasa needs to focus on more than Eren.

Armin has been the one others rely for guidance, however at this point he seems stressed and probably over thinking (when he refers back to Erwin).

Armin just reached his breaking point. So much has happened in one day, and he needed to rant.

Asking ANYONE to stop thinking about Eren right now is pointless, let alone Mikasa. He was wrong, but stressed out.

Both. She needs to be encouraged to make her own decisions, but he didn't need to be mean about it. She has always been nice to him.

Feel like many are misunderstanding mikasa's comment about eren. He is the biggest concern so why shouldn't she mention him? Personally I don't think she was still in eren obsessed mode.

That's a complex question. Everyone is stressed right now, especially Armin, feeling guilty for being brought back and feels so much weight on his shoulder to be a leader so to say. So it reasonable for him to yell and it might spark something in Mikasa as well.

Armin needs a nap, a warm bath, and a foot rub.

  WILL MIKASA START ‘THINKING FOR HERSELF’ NOW, AS ARMIN SUGGESTED? 1,395 RESPONSES

Mikasa’s character development is being pushed to its tipping point now, will Armin’s words make her start thinking for herself?  The majority, at 56.3% think that leadership isn’t her style, but she’ll step up and support what she feels is right.  18.6% feel that she’s already made the step into thinking for herself, and the last two options are split at 11.3% between a full ‘yes she’ll finally step up’, and a full ‘she’s always thought for herself.’

Armin: think for yourself! Mikasa: Where is my scarf?

Hopefully, I want to see more independence. Assertive and confident in her actions.

I don't know if she'll able to think for herself. maybe she will do something, but I guess whatever she will do on her own, I don't want to expect much from her. Anyway I have the feeling that Mikasa's own decision could be that she accepts Kiyomi's offer and leaves Paradis because the whole situation is obviously killing her.

I hope Isayama has something special planned for Mikasa's development

Mikasa has always thought for herself. She’s never been a leader, but she’s always followed her own hearts desires. Nobody knows what to do and for once it was actually reasonable for her to ask about eren, given what he’s about to do to the world.

Mikasa isn't wrong to look to Armin for leadership, but when she brings up the elephant in the room, he flies off the handle at her. But ultimately, I think that Armin is right. She'll have to make decisions based off her own judgement and I'm excited for it.

I kinda doubt that. She went to Jean, because Armin told her so and I don't think that she would do anything in the situation between Jean, Floch and the Volunteers. If she would be able someday to make her own decision, I'll think that could be to do with Kiyomi's offer to go on one of her ships, but we will see.

I think she will be an impromptu leader, similarly to what she did at Trost after eren got eaten by the santa titan

Mikasa did nothing wrong, she tried to take advice instead to run somewhere else like Connie or give up like Jean.

Yes she’ll become more independent. I think itll lead to “see u later eren”

  AT THIS POINT, ARMIN STILL THINKS ERWIN WAS A BETTER CHOICE TO REVIVE. DO YOU? 1,391 RESPONSES

The question of whether Armin or Erwin should have been revived in Shiganshina proves to be one of the most contentious issues in the series, nearly on par with when we asked you guys what you think of Eren’s (stated) plan. 52.2% of you are Team Erwin, and 47.8% are Team Armin. Regrettably, I can’t make a good joke out of either of those numbers.

I've said it before, but I think Armin was the best person to revive from a story telling point of view. Erwin was the better leader, no doubts there, but it is the lack of him that has pushed all these other characters to develop more. I believe the relationships between characters and the characters themselves would've remained more static if he had still been there. So therefore, Armin was the right choice

Erwin wouldn't have let any of this happen

  WHO TOOK THE SCARF? 1,403 RESPONSES

There could only ever be one winner of this question; given the girls fandom of Eren in general and Mikasa in particular, 72.5% of you picked Louise as the scarf thief, particularly since she knew it was there and gave it a look after Mikasa left. The next highest answer was Eren having sent someone to retrieve it, at 13.8%, followed by ‘someone else at 9.1%, with Floch and Jean respectively taking up other minor answers. I look forward to the questions in the future of why the scarf was taken, and how will it affect the story?

Oh, and Louise definitely has the scarf. I think there will be a confrontation over it and Mikasa will Realise Things, so that's cool.

Louise totally stole that scarf.

  WHICH NAME IS BETTER? 1,395 RESPONSES

808 of 1,395 of you came out to represent Gabi Gang, while the remaining 587 of you like Mia better. Mia Myriad? Eh. Mia Myriad’s weird. I like Gabi Gang better.

  WHAT'S UP WITH JEAN WHEN FLOCH IS TALKING TO HIM? 1,399 RESPONSES

Floch tells Jean he can finally have the life he always wanted, what was Jean feeling at that moment?  40.5% think he was just totally shell-shocked, 30.4% think he;s faking weakness for a plan, 16.4% think he had an epiphany about Eren based on what Floch said, and 10.7% believe him to be considering what Floch has to say.

Definitely debating whether or not to kick his head in-- once he's decided I think he'll pounce

he has been asking over and over for how long they would have to keep fighting. So Floch telling him is over has a great effect on him. Although he will chose to keep fighting.

He is bothered that the Yeagerists consider him a “hero”

He is in disbelief over how AWFUL Floch is and once his brain processes it he will snap and punch the bastard in the face

He's both in shell shock and trying to fake weakness.

I think he's coming up with some sort of plan to finally rid the world of Floch.

Jean looks so tired in these panels, as in physically tired and mentally. He probably wants this all to be over, and Floch is giving him a way out. But Jean has come too far to give up, I think, so I hope he turns his brain back on.

  ARE THE ROCKS THAT GO MISSING WHEN FLOCH TURNS HIS HEAD AN ARTISTIC OVERSIGHT OR DOES IT HAVE FUTURE SIGNIFICANCE? 1,406 RESPONSES

THE ROCKS ARE GONE.  About half of the fandom, at 46.2% are pretty sure Jean pocketed them to use as a weapon.  29.7% did not notice the disappearance, and 24.2% think it’s just Isayama overlooking an inconsistency.

Bitch boutta throw some rocks

I hope Jean can something do too otherwise the Volunteers would get forced to fight for Eren and to help him destroying their own motherlands (oof) or get killed. I hope the theory about the pocket rocks get relevant and true in the next chapters

Floch be a bitch with a nest boutta get moulded by rocks

Getting ready to bash floch

there was a gun next to him and then it was gone. The boy boutta blooooow

  FLOCH CLAIMS THAT EREN TOLD HIM THE ENTIRE PLAN. IS HE TELLING THE TRUTH? 1,399 RESPONSES

Eren doesn’t seem to have confided his plan in anyone, but Floch says otherwise.  60% confess Eren likely told him a fair bit, but not everything, 32.9% think Floch’s just BSing his way through things to look better, and 5.6% truly believe Eren told Floch everything.

Eren is the only one who knows his true plan, anyone that claims to know what Eren is doing was just a pawn that Eren used.

Eren probably forgot who Floch even is

Considering how Eren is acting now, I fear he did tell him everything after seeing his extremism.

Floch believes Eren told him everything, but he probably didn't.

floch is an arrogant bitch who thinks eren and him are best buds

I mean, the plan so far seems to be 'let's retrieve Zeke, overthrow the government and unleash the Rumbling', so why won't he tell Floch all of it? He seems to be fully on board. If there is more to the plan, then Floch doesn't know it.

I'm still not sure how much of Eren's betrayal of Zeke he was in on, but I'm damn sure Eren didn't task him with any 'removing internal resentment' job.

Jean knows he has more of Eren's trust than Floch does. From this, Jean figured out either Floch is lying for his own gains, or is being used by Eren.

Floch is just a dumbass and Eren is using him to get the necessary pieces into place without him doing it all himself

Something tells me Floch actually just overheard Yelena talking with Eren about Zeke's plan during the railway opening ceremony. I could've sworn that in the chapter Floch mentioned that he "heard" Eren's plan, and the way he uses that word gives me the impression he only listened to parts of what Yelena told Eren without knowing what Eren's ulterior motive was when learning Zeke's plan.

That’s certainly what he *thinks*

Eren is manipulating Floch's ass six ways to sunday and I'm here for it

  WHO DO YOU THINK WILL BE THE ONE TO TAKE DOWN FLOCH? 1,398 RESPONSES

From previous polls, Floch seems like a popular choice to die next, but who would do it?  Nearly ¾ of that fandom believe Jean will end him, though 6.5% don’t believe Floch’s dying anytime soon.  Eren, Mikasa, Shadis, and Yelena were other popular options.

Could be anyone at this point, really. Would be cool if it was just some random volunteer and the death would be meaningless.

Better not be anyone, Floch is making way more sense than Armin

Armin

I hope no one does, he's the most entertaining character at the moment

I really hope all of the above and I hope it'll be a gruesome death.

King Floch is the father and will outlive the rest of the 104th.

Let him be squashed under a Titan foot, pls

Me

Nobody, Floch will be the only survivor of the rumbling

HISTORIA! QUEEN!!!! How is the rightful ruler of Eldia not a choice here?!

I hope he doesn't die at least next chapter, because him dying is too predictable. But if he does it should be Jean.

I HOPE IT'S EITHER LEVI OR HANGE. But I think it's probably going to be Jean.

I think floch is going to have an utterlessly meaningless death. Just to show the irony that surviving that day didn't change shit.

I think since he survived on pure luck and destiny up until now, I could imagine his death will be more by accident or by unfortunate circumstance then someone else succeeding to kill him

SHADIS THE CHADIS no but actually probably Yelena or Mikasa.

The 109th Recruits

Onyankopon, Jean and Mikasa, I hope.

Who knows. Hope he dies.

ZEKE JAEGER

Isayama

It'll be a team effort

  CONNIE AND FALCO ARE EN ROUTE TO RAGAKO. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE OUTCOME WILL BE? 1,398 RESPONSES

Bets for the Return to Ragako arc are placed, and the majority (~43%) of you think that the overwhelming scent of cinnamon wafting from Falco will entice Connie to spare him. Not far behind, with 30.5% of the votes, is the prediction that Armin and Gabi will swoop in and save the day. The next most popular option was Falco feeling the sudden urge to die for Reiner, causing him to transform and escape. Following that was Falco realizing his predicament without getting his memories back, and after that, a very small amount of you guys (18), think Falco’s gonna get chomped.

Connie finna die

I can't think of how bringing back Connies mom will save Reiners life, so it won't happen.

Is it weird that I think Connie's mom has already turned back to human?

  WHICH UNLIKELY TEAM-UP IS THE MOST EXCITING? 1,391 RESPONSES

An overwhelming majority of you guys are most excited to see the Magath/Pieck/Hange/Levi squad team up, while the distant runner-up is Hitch/Annie, followed by Armin/Gabi, and then Connie/Falco. I can’t imagine why Connie/Falco got the least votes here.

  WHICH TEAM, IF ANY, DO YOU THINK WILL MEET WITH HISTORIA? 1,384 RESPONSES

With a 31.6% majority, the… quad...duo… quaduo? That’s definitely not a word but it should be, technical definition pending. What I’m trying to say is that Team Magath/Pieck/Hange/Levi got the most votes for “Who’s going to meet up with Historia?” Following that was… uh, nobody. As in the next most common answer is “nobody”. You guys are not making this write-up easy for me. After that was Team Hitch/Annie, followed by Armin/Gabi, and then Connie/Falco. The graph is proportional enough that you can see all the percentages, so that’s cool.

Historia is the key to ending this story and getting all the context we need. Which means we probably won’t see her again for awhile.

  SLEEPING THROUGH THE APOCALYPSE. WHO DID IT BETTER? 1,399 RESPONSES

We didn’t ask for a reason behind this selection, but Reiner’s rather ill-timed cozy cottage snooze (58.5%) trounced Levi’s “return of the mummy” slumber (41.5%). Maybe it was the appeal of the fruit and snacks?

  DO YOU THINK LEVI WILL BE ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE UPCOMING BATTLE? 1,400 RESPONSES

Nearly 60% of you think Levi will recover enough to encourage the others to fight, 20% think he’ll recover enough to fight, and 15.3% think he’ll be unconscious for awhile. The white space on the graph is what happens when there are too many single-voter responses, but we can read them behind the scenes, and one of them suggested that we’re about to learn how titan serum affects Ackermans, and I just want to say that I appreciate your devotion to Titan Science™, anon.

TITAN LEVI INC

Crack theory: he‘ll eat Zeke after Zeke offers himself up because he lost his will to live. So yes, he‘ll be fully healed and badass again.

He is going to become a shifter by eating Zeke with the cooperation of Pieck/Magath, fulfilling his promise to Erwin.

He won't be recovering but he'll fight all the same, with his teeth if necessary

He'll recover enough to make one last heroic action before dying

I don't really know. I hope he can still fight. I think Isayama-sensei didn't let Levi live to be a useless soldier.

i don’t want him to participate. i just want him alive

I think that Levi will not be able to fight, but he'll be awake, and I'd like to him take on a mentorship role. I would love to see him make a full recovery by the time the manga concludes.

Some unforeseen magic will happen

  HAS THIS CHAPTER AFFECTED YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE RUMBLING? 1,385 RESPONSES

The destruction on the ground, Floch’s reign of terror, and the 104th’s horror at what’s unfolding seems to have shaken some in the fandom with one quarter of respondents indicating that their support has lessened somewhat (20.6%) or significantly (5.7%). The remaining 75% are staying the course with close to 40% completely opposed to the rumbling and 35% in full support of it.

  HAS THIS CHAPTER AFFECTED YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT EREN? 1,387 RESPONSES

The responses here are about what we might expect; a fairly even split between those who support Eren fully (or at least think he’s got some mysterious ace up his sleeve) and those that do not support him/are losing faith in him. Interestingly, the smallest response was from those who have lost a significant amount of faith in Eren, indicating the battle lines are still drawn at this point.

Eren did nothing wrong

Eren Yeager is GOD! Bow Down!

We're left in the dark of what Eren is really planning and so I can't judge this consequence too much. It is very extreme and I'm skeptical of it all.

Another aspect of the continual violence and really justifies Eren's position.

The inner fighting among themselves is going to get worse and they all will turn on Eren.

They should support eren, and the yeagerists, not plan to overthrow them

I DONT GET WHAT IS EREN TRYING TO DO? How is he gonna claim he wants to protect his people then end up killing him ??

I hope that among his friends there are on the eren side, eren's decision was correct, although it was too cruel, but it was all for the people he loved. why his friends no one sided eren , I'm sad to think about it.

I love eren but :(

  AT THIS POINT, AROUND WHICH CHAPTER DO YOU EXPECT THE MANGA WILL CONCLUDE? 1,406 RESPONSES

As much as I hate to think about the end of the manga, and the subsequent never-ending feud over the serum bowl and the Rumbling, we’re bound to become the next NGE at some point. It can’t be stopped. The majority, at 45.7%, think we have until around Chapter 134, which gives us about nine more months. Following that, 30.2%, think we have until Chapter 138, which gives us more than a year. A lesser but still significant quantity of votes say we have until Chapter 142+, and I feel a little bit like the Vince McMahon meme typing this. You know the one. Lastly, 8.7% of you think there are only 5 chapters left. Why anyone would even entertain such an idea is beyond me.

  WHAT ARE YOU MOST HOPING TO SEE NEXT CHAPTER? 1,409 RESPONSES

Wow! A huge split of opinion here regarding hopes for next chapter, as might be expected; but out in front with 27.8% of the vote is a wish to see more Hange, Levi, Pieck and Magath; no doubt because we haven’t seen them for a while. Coming up in second place is Jean and Mikasa, with a number of fans hoping they will fight back against Floch. And of course, third place is the everpresent wish to see Historia once more. What on Earth is she up to???

Historia hopefully

A solid chapter with a lot of great character development. Who wants to bet that Connie and Falco are going to run into Historia at Ragako?

Give me Historia

Jean has an epiphany about himself and Eren's actions (since Floch is Eren's fanboy, like Jean was to a certain degree))

Jean and Floch will fight!

If Floch doesn't make Jean react, I don't know who else will. Their relationship has always been complex, so it would be beautiful to see Jean killing him. But as long as it's not a Jaeger, I'll be fine.

I can’t help but feel that there was something odd about the way Hange spoke about Levi to Magath and Pieck. “Rest assured, he’s just a harmless man who failed to die”. Harmless? Levi? Really? And Hange doesn’t speak like that, so to me this looks like strategizing and covering something up. I don’t think Levi is 100% okay, far from, but I don’t think he’s on the verge of death. And even if Levi will physically be unable to fight, he still isn’t harmless. He wasn’t dubbed Humanity’s Strongest only for his physical strength; Levi is smart, he’s an excellent leader, he’s compassionate and experienced. So, even if we don’t see him engage in fights as a soldier, I believe we will get to see him devise plans and strategies, negotiate, etc. After all, we still don’t know what the Ackermans are capable of. We know they have superhuman strength, so I believe we’re all in for a surprise (or not so much of a surprise) when it comes to Levi. He’s played an enormous part in the story already, but his story isn’t over. Best boi love him yes.

I hope he can still fight. I think Isayama-sensei didn't let Levi live to be a useless soldier.

All aboard the ship! Ms. HanjiXMagath is setting sail! (???)

HISTORIA BACKSTORY, OR I WILL END THIS WORLD

  WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 1,328 RESPONSES

Reddit continues to dominate the responses to this question, and this month there were literally more people who don’t discuss the series than people who discuss it on Tumblr. A direct consequence of banning Titan-presenting nipples, surely. Lastly, something ominous is going on in the Snapchat cult, because there were only two of you this month, down from five last month. That’s still enough to reproduce though and it makes me uneasy. Regardless of where or whether you discuss the series though, we appreciate all of you guys’ participation in the poll. We literally couldn’t do it without you!

  ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

hE dID nOtHing wrOnG

I mean it's not like Eren could be like "wait while you're breaking out of the wall, can ya be clean about it?" but also....yeahhhhh umm I'm not positive that Eren cares for the majority of Paradisians

Petra's death still burns... Yet I can't really hate Annie.

[Annie’s] story kinda looks like a copypasta of Zeke's but I'm glad it's established she doesn't care for her grand goal and would sacrifice everything to achieve hers if it needs to be brought again

I feel for the wall Titans, they've been conscious for the last century, just chilling there.

Isayama couldn't have made the parallel between Annie and Eren any more blatant if he tried.

I don't know why people are so surprised with Eren being in cahoots with Floch. He is already killing billions to secure peace for Paradis, installing an authoritarian government for the same reason is not unlike him. He already said, he is going to take the freedom from people if they threaten his even innocents.

0/10 no Reiner. jk, the chapter may not have "action" per se, but i love the focus on how the rumbling affects all the characters, including the eldians in the camps. also, all the pairings are really interesting. i hope the HLMP combo leads to good things for the future. i wonder if Armin & Gabi'll talk, and whether she'll learn that he is the Colossus titan, or if she'll catch onto Reiner's great familiarity with these people…

another average chapter in SNK standards (awesome in manga standards)

Another set-up chapter - would be good to see some major events occur to keep the momentum going. Also want Eren/Zeke POVs

After 10 months of wondering where Levi was and if he was alive, i fully sympathise with Annie stans, who had to wait the better part of a decade. But I'm glad to know Levi's alive for now.

Seeing almost everyone other than the Jeager brothers was so damn fresh. Now everyone's gotta work together to stop the total downer ending.

Felt like this a needed chapter to see where all the characters’ directions are headed. Whether we see more compromise or more tension between characters. It creates more anticipation and excitement for what’s to become of Eren and his plan.

Isayama been sleepin on some important characters 💤

Very interesting seeing so many different perspectives, if only we could get Historia some day

Great chapter. But if hange teams up with Pieck and Magath I am going to be very disappointed. They have no reason to rely on the the people who have been trying to exterminate them for years. I get they need to stop eren but they cant let forget the atrocities Marley has done to them. Regroup with the rest and figure out another goddman way.

A very interesting chapter. I fully expect an emotional outburst from Mikasa any time now. Maybe directed at Eren himself.

aaahh I just want Zeke

Give me Eren

Give me Historia

How the hell will Isayama cover all these separated smol groups in only 12 chapters??? Can he rly end the manga this year cos I have doubts!

All pieces are on the move, time to wrap things up, Isayama-sensei! Though I don't see any way to stop Eren, unless they maybe use Historia and her royal blood? Can't wait to see how Isayama will solve all of this.

I love the setting of the rumbling as a slow moving mass of dust and meat that we’re all powerless to stop. I love how we’ve seen it from the perspective of people on the receiving end of the destruction, from people that support it and most of all, people who would never support it but are still benefiting from it. Regardless, none of them could stop even if they wanted too. It makes the issue seem so much more real.

Annie is pretty much like Eren right now, knowingly doing terrible things for the people they care about, both have accepted the cruelty of the world and acted accordingly and is not like the world has given them reasons to think otherwise. But this mentality has only brought pain and suffering around them and to themselves, I hope in the end she changes her outlook in life and finally goes against the "current"  of the way things are as she described and do the right thing.

Annie needs to get Armins head out of his ass. Floch was executing people next to his friends and he just runs off wtf

I DONT GET WHAT IS EREN TRYING TO DO? How is he gonna claim he wants to protect his people then end up killing him ??

Armin did nothing wrong. I've seen people complaining about he "yelling with waifu" and even comparing with Eren, even tho what Eren did was totally intentional, while Armin wasn't he didn't mean to hurt her, he snapped under stress, but when he saw he hurt her he regretted so much that even brought Erwin to the picture. But apparently his feeling and emotions are nothing compared with Mikasa's...

Armin made the right choice to go after Falco. His strategy is to ally with the Warriors and Marley. His tactic is to use Falco as barter. It is the best move he can make with the situation as it is. If he succeeds he gains Connie back in the fold, Falco, Gabi, Reiner, Pieck, and Magath. This type of quality help will raise morale and lessen the pressure that everyone feels. Hopefully they work as a team and communicate with each other. Don’t be like Eren who has no fog of war because he knows how it ends and, yet, doesn’t tell anybody about it.

As long as the rest of the world is unwilling to negotiate peacefully I’m not sure what other options were on the table. Obviously eren’s actions are irredeemable, but I feel that he’ll have the same sentiment Annie expressed: if this is the only way his friends make it out alive then he’d choose this path every time. I don’t think all of the blame is on eren(though he is still responsible for his own actions). Every side played a role in this and it should have never come to this to begin with.

I really appreciated the scenes with Armin, Mikasa, and Jean. The rumbling is a world-changing/ reality altering event and Armin said as much, but I'm really hoping these three can manage to salvage some peace for themselves despite the chaos.I think Eren has already accepted his own mortality re: the Curse of Ymir and has fully resigned himself to doing whatever he deems necessary for Paradis, I'm interested to see his end. I also enjoyed seeing Levi and Hange, I never doubted their survival; it also might be a further indication that Floch is BS'ing his way with his power grab when he said that they were killed...This series is excellent.

Wake up already, Reiner. Say something, Levi. At least Falco's awake again. And Annie, for the love of Eldia, please explain your crystal.

Can't wait to see Jean snap at Floch

It was great but isayama please let us see eren...

I just really hope Connie doesn't die but I'm not feeling too optimistic... I can't believe Annie's back and I'm really looking forward to whatever her and Hitch do next.

The reaction to the Armin and Mikasa scene initially drove me up the wall, because people's readings of Mikasa are just so fucking bad--she's literally right??? LMAO. Mikasa and the 104th have always followed Armin's guidance, so she isn't even wrong when she asks how to make herself useful. But the reaction to her question about Eren is just...

Levi surviving the thunderspear was bullshit. Hopefully he stays permanently injured and not overpowered again. Isayama give us Historia please. I hope we get to see my baby Reiner wake up next chapter. I wish that Reiner and Annie meet again please

I got emotional when Falco was starting to "remember" Connie. While Sasha's scenes after her death could have been written better, every time I see a Ymir reference, something interesting happens. We need to remember best girl, and finally we get to see that Connie was an important comrade of hers.

I hope Connie makes the right choices, my boy has suffered enough!

It somehow gave positive vibes despite the apocalyptic setting, and I was extremely happy we got to see almost everyone again.

I want to see more about what happened to Ymir Fritz after she gained her freedom.

I'm glad Levi is ok but i gotta know: how is he able to breathe when HIS ENTIRE FACE HAS BEEN BANDAGED UP

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiiiiine

Lame ass chapter, everything feels pointless and forced and the ambiguity and moral grayness of the story is gone.

Levi has to give meaning to those deaths. It's what will give peace to his heart. He deserves to fight one last time.

mikasa let me hug you and protect you

Can we agree Keith is badass? He advised trainees to not lose themselves despite the government. It's such a stark contrast with Floch in this chapter. He was so traumatized by his first mission as a SC, losing his comrades, watching them die meaningless deaths and seeing the SC fighting over who should be lived other than the commander. As he shot that voluteer he made it clear he casted his values aside for survival. In the end he learned they were just as meaningless as Marlowe's death.

More Yelena pls

This chapter was a lot of scenes I had been waiting for put together. We had Annie and Hitch interaction, an update on Connie and Falco, Gabi and Armin now heading their way, and Levi and Hange are finally back. Now all we need is Historia. The wait for her stopped being funny a LONG time ago...Actually scratch that, it wasn't funny to begin with. 😒

Levi is alive bitches

Really glad it's not all wrapping up with Eren activating the rumbling. Seeing how everyone is handling the chaos has been incredible. I was telling my friends that I honestly don't think the final battle will be against Eren. It's just everyone versus the pure chaos of the situation. I don't see Eren getting beat

The EMA trio was never my favorite, but it still kinda hurt to see them all split up.

The Erwin references were amazing!! Both in the manga and the end text!!

With all these relatively slow-paced, character-driven chapters recently, it seems as if the ending will be very rushed. I have faith in Isayama’s writing skills, but I just hope he will be able to pull off an ending that will do justice to all these wonderful characters he has built up, while rounding out the plot in a satisfying way. This story, in my opinion, is a masterpiece so far - and an ending could either make or break it at this point. Either way, I look forward to seeing the coming chapters very much.

Where is Kiyomi ? (2nd edition)

[captainditrag]

Worst Movies Of 2016

If it’s a New Year, then that means it’s time for my annual surveys of the year’s best and worst movies. As is usually the case, I’m starting with my worst of list first, almost like a child having to eat the healthy food on their plate before getting to the tastier food that they love afterward and man, I have a lot of bad movies to deal with from 2016.  Some of the films here are ones that many other critics also hated, but I also have a group of movies that were critically acclaimed that I just couldn’t stand, which makes for a more interesting list in my eyes, given my need to explain why I hate films that others love at the same time that I pile onto the more widely-loathed stinkers.  

As is my custom, I have my 10 worst films in order of how much I despised them, followed by my 10 dishonorable mentions in no particular order.  Also, as is my custom, I’m going to use this time to highlight some of the most visibly disliked films of the year that were not among the 72 films I saw in 2016, just to provide the answer of “I didn’t see it” to the question “why is [insert movie here] not on your list?” As such, if you’re expecting to see films like Gods Of Egypt, Warcraft, Assassin’s Creed, Collateral Beauty, Norm Of The North, Fifty Shades Of Black, Zoolander 2, London Has Fallen, Batman: The Killing Joke, Max Steel, Allegiant, Boo: A Madea Halloween, God’s Not Dead 2, Inferno and Nine Lives here, I’m sorry to disappoint you (and there are likely even more so-called bad films than those that I couldn’t get to).  Then again, I’m comfortable with the 20 movies I picked, as they were all deeply unpleasant in their own ways, and some in similar ways that kind of emphasize some pretty bad trends that hopefully, we won’t have to deal with in the year 2017 (or at least, not deal with as much).   Also, one more thing.  I usually put a screenshot of each movie in question above each of the entries on both of my lists, but Tumblr apparently is deleting this entire essay when I try to do that now. Maybe this list is too long and there’s a memory constraint or something, but because of that, I made the tough decision of not including them this year. So sorry if this looks bland without them, but hopefully, it won’t diminish the lists or the films I’m discussing. With all that said, let’s dive in: 

1. The Boss Melissa McCarthy is the female equivalent of Adam Sandler.  I’m sorry I have to say that, because I do think she’s a talented actress and comedienne, but even so, and as I’ve said countless times before, it’s been 13 years since the only movie with her in it that I recommended, The Life Of David Gale and, I’m getting sick of it.  Oh sure, she was good TV’s Mike And Molly and in near-miss films like The Heat and Bridesmaids and, to be fair, she was in a movie I liked this year, Central Intelligence, even though it was just an under 2-minute cameo (so I’d argue that it doesn’t really count), but outside of that, I’ve been just about ready to give up on her in the movie world and, after her hateful, crass, lazy and never-funny comedy The Boss, enough is enough, hence why I’m comparing her to the much reviled Sandler.  It’s a pretty apt comparison when you really think about it; like the worst films of Sandler's, McCarthy is creatively involved with this one (she co-wrote it with her husband, Ben Falcone, and he also directed it, which was also the case with 2014’s 3rd worst film, Tammy, a terrible film that is, amazingly, better than this), the movie is put together in a slapdash fashion that shows nothing but contempt for her audience, it uses a licensed soundtrack for no reason except to waste money that should have went to writing jokes (it took me months to listen to Foreigner's I Want To Know What Love Is again without being painfully reminded of the horrible scenes in this movie that used it as a punchline and on-the-nose plot reference), it paints her horrible lead character as a messiah, despite the fact the that she treats every character that isn’t exactly like her like garbage and then, in the grossly hypocritical third act, it has her character playing the victim card and crying/moralizing to the audience about how “family is important.” Oh yeah, and like Sander’s worst efforts, it’s also the worst movie of the year; can’t forget that detail.

McCarthy stars as Michelle Darnell, a self-made multi-billionaire character that came from McCarthy’s days with the Groundlings comedy troupe who, as the movie opens, we see as a young girl who was given up by her parents and, every few years, the families that adopted her toss her back on the steps of the Catholic orphanage.  I guess it’s supposed to be funny that no one wants Michelle, but the film has no explanation as to why this is and repeats this joke in bad sitcom fashion about 4 times, making it cruel and sad.  As an adult, Michelle has tossed family and her “tragic” past aside to become the 47th richest woman in the world and expresses that in her group of self-help books and to her fans in sold-out Chicago stadium appearances.  This catches the eye of her corporate rival, Renault, played by Peter Dinklage, while meanwhile, Michelle’s long-time assistant Claire, played by Kristen Bell, is a single mother who’s still waiting on that raise Michelle promised her, despite Michelle ignoring and berating her for it and despite Claire’s undying commitment to her.  That ends up falling by the wayside after Michelle is arrested for insider trading, resulting her going to jail for a little while and having all of her assets seized when she’s released.  At that time, her lack of family, friends and funds mean Michelle has nowhere to go, so she convinces Claire, who’s now working a new cubicle job, to let her stay with her and her daughter, Rachel (Ella Anderson).  After a meeting with former colleagues ends with Michelle telling them off and then, her falling/rolling down the stairs (because it just wouldn’t be a Melissa McCarthy movie without cheap fat-shaming somewhere in it, right?), she tastes some of Claire’s homemade brownies and gets an idea. Considering Rachel is part of her school’s Girl Scouts equivalent, the Dandelions, and that they make a lot of money for charity off of cookie sales, Michelle thinks that she can turn the making and selling of Claire’s brownies into a business for herself and then, use that to get back on her feet.  This sets off a war with the Dandelions and one of the mothers, Helen (Annie Mumolo), while also getting Renault’s attention, who schemes to keep Michelle from getting her riches back.  Meanwhile, Claire starts showing interest in Mike (Tyler Labine), the one person at her work who’s not a total jerk.

Now that’s not a terrible setup for a comedy on paper, as it does introduce many opportunities for satire regarding the business world, both big and small, life of a single mother and Girl Scout culture, particularly as it relates to mothers becoming more dedicated and cutthroat about it than their children.  This movie, though, has nothing insightful or funny to say about any of those things and its attempts to do so are cheap, perspective-free and hateful. Take the scenes with the Dandelions, especially when Michelle goes to their meetings.  What’s the angle?  Because Michelle only cares about herself and money, she’s appalled at the idea that they do good non-profit work for people and that the girls get life experience from it, so she goes on a bunch of those trademark Melissa McCarthy rants with overly elaborate and vulgar parallels to people and situations to ridicule and shame them, particularly after Helen says “we can’t trust Michelle with the brownie business idea because she’s a convicted felon.”  I think we’re supposed to hate the admittingly bitchy Helen, but she does raise a valid point there and, when combined with Michelle’s threats of violence and her cartoonish/hateful attacks (including cruel mocking of the leader and her recently deceased cat and some homophobic/sexist predictions about some of these innocent young girls who haven’t done anything wrong), sorry, I’m siding with Helen.  The former is something Michelle acts upon in what’s the most disgusting and shameful scene in any movie this year (and, given the cinematic garbage I saw in 2016, that’s saying a lot), where Michele and her group of scouts get into a violent street fight with Helen and her girls. It’s supposed to be a satire, I guess, of drug turf wars, but we’re literally watching a 46-year-old woman leading and helping her young workers beat the ever-living hell out of 10-year-old girls by punching them, kicking them, slamming them onto the ground and into cars, which we see happen in slow-motion while we hear the audio relishing in the sounds of their cracking bones and screams of pain.  I’m sorry, but there is NOTHING funny about that, especially with how it’s handled here, and anyone who thinks it is and thinks that the girls deserved to be assaulted for standing up against Michelle may want to get a mental evaluation.

Then again, that scene doesn’t matter anyway in the grand scheme of things because it’s never referenced again.  You’d think that a violent assault of young Girl Scouts would at least lead to a news report of the streets literally running with blood and fire from that, Claire asking about the bruises that her daughter and former boss have or, perhaps, Michelle going back to jail for that, but no, and that’s because that scene, and for that matter, most of this film’s scenes, are freestanding from the plot, drag on forever (thanks to the endless and repetitive back and forth riffing by the cast, especially McCarthy) and don’t add anything to it.  Even in a coarse and broad glorified sitcom like this, you need to have some consistency but, and again, this goes back to the Adam Sandler parallel, they’re only in here because McCarthy thought they were funny and was too lazy to care if they actually fit into the damn movie in the first place.  If they actually were humorous, that would have been one thing, but since they’re not, all we notice is how many holes this simple story has in it and how the characters’ behaviors and outlooks between scenes change for no reason other than because the movie demands it, the latter of which make it really hard to like, believe or care about anyone here, especially with a third act that’s asking us to do that with its liar-reveal trope and the aforementioned emotional pleas by McCarthy.  To say we’re not buying either when they come is a massive understatement or, to put another way, I hated McCarthy’s character so much in this film that, in the scene where she orders fugu and we find out it was incorrectly and perhaps fatally prepared, I was strongly rooting for the fugu.  

As far as the other problems with this movie, the supporting performances are flat (Tyler Labine is dull and lacks chemistry with Kristen Bell as the love interest and Bell does her uptight and sexually-repressed workaholic bit again), annoying (Annie Mumolo and Peter Dinklage, the latter of whom, between this and Pixels, can’t catch a break in live-action comedies) and/or wasted (Cecily Strong and Kathy Bates, the latter apparently willing to jump into any garbage comedy for work nowadays, between this, Tammy and, apparently, Bad Santa 2), the pacing is bad, even with the film being only 99 minutes, the script is awful, the direction is poor and, if it wasn’t already obvious that this film was slapped together, the atrocious editing will remind you with its abrupt scene transitions and jump cuts, which is most noticeable in the scene with Michelle and Rachel riding the El Train (I swear, the jump cuts in that scene to show a passage of time seem to happen at random, as if it were a bad made-for-TV movie and that’s an insult to direct-to-TV movies).  The only positive of this movie, which it can’t actually claim responsibility for, is that, because I had enough points on my AMC Stubs card, I actually got to see this atrocity for free.  Even then, I still feel like I was ripped off and, after suffering through this, it’s going to take one hell of a comeback vehicle for McCarthy to cinematically redeem herself in my eyes, especially since, between this and another awful 2016 comedy she was in (which you’ll be seeing later on this list), it’s clear she hasn’t learned her lesson.  I guess, like Sandler, she’s settling for dreck and just happy that she has another box-office semi-hit with The Boss, but soon enough, she’ll have to learn the hard way that there’s a difference between a movie making a lot of money and the reaction of the customers who gave said money to a “financially successful” film.  To Mrs. McCarthy, I ask this; you and your films are profitable, but what’s your reputation worth?  To me, I’d say about a buck fifty now, and I’m being nice.

 2. The Nice Guys

OK, I know I’m pretty much alone on despising this critically praised period crime/buddy comedy hybrid from co-writer/director Shane Black, whose previous credits include Lethal Weapon and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, but I had the absolute worst time watching The Nice Guys and I felt completely unclean after sitting through this meaningless, insufferably self-satisfied, never interesting, never funny and often gallingly vile and immoral piece of garbage.  Listen, I know that’s exactly the kind of puritanical response to a film like this that would make the filmmakers and its fans point and say that there’s no value to my opinion (which is kind of the tactic used against some of the vocal critics of the supposed immoralities of Black’s 1991 film, The Last Boy Scout, unseen by me), but I have no problem with violent, dark and even darkly humorous boundary pushing films similar to this when they’re done well, as was the case with many of Quentin Tarantino’s films like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction or, thinking back to this year, similar films like Deadpool and especially Keanu. But I’m also not made of stone, so when a reprehensible movie like this comes along and tries to hide itself in its own self-importance and being “just a movie,” while having no care for the quality needed to justify the touchy subject material it’s trafficking in, I deal with it on both the grounds of taste and good filmmaking that it’s violating (and on the level of taste alone, this is amazingly an even more despicable and horrible film than The Boss was).

The film is in 1977 Los Angeles and opens with the death of a fictional porn star named Misty Mountains. Enter recently widowed private investigator Holland March (Ryan Gosling), who’s hired by Misty’s aunt to find her, despite Holland saying that Misty’s death is common knowledge and thinking that the aunt mistook her for Amelia (Margaret Qualley), a teenage girl who’s hired a private law enforcer named Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe) for protection. Jackson learns from Amelia that Holland is searching for her, so Jackson goes to Holland’s house to make him stop his search, namely, by deliberately breaking Holland’s arm (because temporary paralysis is so funny and deserving of cheaply making fun of people over, right Hollywood?).  After this, though, Amelia goes missing and Jackson is attacked by a group of thugs also looking for her, after which, he Holland again and realizes that they share the same goal and reason for wanting to find her.  So, the two team up to find Amelia, with Holland accompanied by his young daughter, Holly (Angourie Rice), who’s more grown up than she seems, given her earlier interactions with Jackson and her learning how to deal with her father’s rampant alcoholism.   The rest of the movie involves their search for Amelia, which reveals a complicated conspiracy and crime-ring related to the Department of Justice, the auto industry, the California air pollution/gas shortages of the time and the adult film business that Misty was involved in, done as a hybrid of a dark buddy-cop comedy, a noir crime thriller and a serious drama, the latter involving Holland’s past and his bond with Holly, specifically how she’s rapidly growing up and wanting to be involved in helping her father with the case, even given the seedy and dangerous nature of it all.

Since I’m obviously going to be tearing into this movie pretty extensively, let me get its two positives out of the way quickly.   First, I do think Russell Crowe is giving a good and dedicated performance here as Jackson, playing the straight man of this duo in a way that didn’t feel as pushy and annoying as his co-star comes off as (more on him and the other cast members later) and he gives me the sense that he could have feasibly worked comedically in a better movie with a better screenplay.   The other positive is its sense of time and place, as it has a pretty transporting and almost obsessive attention to detail regarding the feeling and atmosphere of 1977, from the costume designs, to the cars, to the visual filters.  That being said, it’s still not obsessive enough, given that it has a couple of pretty clear mistakes that, when combined with everything else this movie does wrong (which is literally everything else) were strong enough to break me out, particularly regarding the licensed music.  There’s a scene at a party with Earth Wind & Fire present, apparently, and they’re playing September while later, at the same party, we hear Kool & The Gang's Get Down On It.  I love both those songs, but remember, the movie’s set in 1977, a year before September existed and four years before Get Down On It came out and, considering how much Shane Black clearly loves this time period and is obviously trying to avoid the usual time period anachronisms everywhere else, an obvious oversight like that is kind of inexcusable.  Then again, it’s part of a movie that, unless you’re a Shane Black acolyte who’s willing to give him a pass for everything and willing to abandon your sense of morality for 2 hours, is already totally inexcusable.  

As you can probably tell from the plot summary, there’s some pretty seamy subject matter in this film and some clearly boundary-pushing elements of violence and sexuality that makes the execution of it and attitude towards it all the more vital to the film’s success, especially when you’re asking your audience to find any part of it funny or relatable.  If The Nice Guys was going to work at all, it would need to show a sense of intelligence, complexity and a lack of vanity about itself to justify the material it’s trafficking in, but not for one second does this movie show any interest in paying those dues, which results in everything it does coming off as stomach-churning, appalling and in no way entertaining.  This is a downright hateful movie, with a level of brutality and sleaziness that it likes to think is a tribute to the hardboiled and cynical aura of the time, but to me, it feels like it’s playing the cynical Anchorman game of “it’s a 70s-period piece, so it’s instantly acceptable, funny and inoculated against any possible modern social criticism.”  Oh yeah? Even in the context of the time this film is set, I still say it really crosses the line with its quite ugly and unmotivated streaks of homophobia, racism, misogyny and ableism that the movie has no attitude about and is in no way insightful, intriguing vis-à-vis the story or funny regarding.  Even more offensive to me is the exploitative way it uses Holly, in that it wants her to be this strong young female character who’s a willing participant to the depravity Jackson and her father are involved with in the case, while she’s also cynically used as a child-in-danger prop threatened with violence/death when the movie needs it and a fake semblance of morality to an otherwise immoral film.  

Regarding the former idea of Holly thrusting herself into the case, yeah, we get scenes where Holland tells her that she’s too young to handle it, gets mad when she stows away with him in the trunk of his car and has her asking basic questions that help out the search for Amelia, but they all feel like quick screenplay additions to justify the galling and unfunny scenes with her involved, the most disgusting being the one at the porn film premiere party, where Holly’s taken into the back room, shown the blue film, is told by its stars of specific sexual practices in graphic detail and is told she may have potential as a porn star.  Remember, Holly’s 11 or so years-old, a detail that made me feel even more unclean by the scene, which is played as funny and light, because child exploitation is funny and light in this film’s eyes.  As far as Holly being threatened by the bad guys, it’s nothing but a lazy third-act conflict that requires Holland to be more careful about wantonly killing the bad guys (and for that matter, a lot of innocent bystanders; I haven’t seen a buddy film like this as badly disdainful of innocent lives since Bad Boys 2) and regarding Holly being this pure and touching sense of good in the film’s warped world, it’s only shows just how tonally out of control the film is, as well as being clear, insincere and offensive proof that this movie really wants to have its cake and eat it, too.  Oh, we see Jackson brutally killing a bunch of people throughout most of the movie, but that’s OK, because when Holly sees him about to do it on two occasions and is able to succeed in convincing Jackson to spare their lives, that automatically makes Jackson good and absolved of everything else bad that he’s done while Holly hasn’t been watching him (not to mention that we never see him even contemplating mercy on the people he kills after Holly asks him the first time not to kill people).  Oh, Holland is an inattentive father to Holly and a drunk that she is forced to clean up for at her young age, but that’s OK, because she’s “growing up” and they’re both in pain from her mother’s death, despite Holland seemingly always being an emotional basket-case and despite that angle just briefly explored and, even then, it’s not convincing or believable for a second.  

If those last two situations didn’t give you an idea, I don’t like or care about any of the characters here, and, though I said I was fine with Russell Crowe’s performance, none of the acting here, including from him, changes that or adds extra depth or chemistry to them.  Ryan Gosling is clearly supposed to be the more neurotic and comedic of the guys as Holland, but I found his performance here to be quite awful, as he’s pathetically mannered and mugging throughout the entire thing without ever taking it down a notch to make us believe him as such a person (also, to take it back to the morality issue of this movie once more, Gosling in real-life went out and argued about how big an issue hatred of women is nowadays, a lecture that he has absolutely no right to be making considering that he starred in this vile and misogynistic movie with no moral objections).  As far as the rest of the cast is concerned, Angourie Rice is just OK as the young Holly, and the supporting cast, including people like Margaret Qualley, Beau Knapp, Keith David, Lois Smith and Kim Basinger, add little to their ancillary roles and don’t stand out as much as I think they’re intended to. Also, the film is all over the place regarding its labyrinthine story which, when we finally do get a grasp of it all in the third act, doesn’t give us that “aha!” moment and sense of satisfaction of everything coming together regarding the plot and its connection to the characters, the action scenes are not exciting or well-shot (maybe they shouldn’t have had most of them set in the dark of night or, at the very least, have a better cinematographer to capture those night scenes), the pacing is awful and makes the almost 2 hour length feel twice as long and not only is this movie not at all funny, but its jokes are repetitive to the extreme, as they belong to the same obvious and unfunny "oh, here's a joke at a tonally inappropriate time to cut the tension" category every time.  Again, I can see some being able to enjoy this, despite all I said about it, but I’m sorry, it made me completely miserable and violated.  But apparently, I may not be alone since, though this was quite liked by critics, it was a flop with audiences at the box office, which kind of validates my excoriation of it and signals that maybe American audiences actually do have a semblance of taste, even for films like this.

 3. Me Before You

I kind of hinted at this with The Nice Guys, but I’ll make it clearer now; 2016 was the year that Hollywood openly admitted their complete and utter hatred of people with disabilities. Except for Finding Dory, every other movie I saw this year that had characters that were either explicitly shown as having one kind of disability or another or were heavily suggested as having one had said characters ridiculed and shamed without mercy. Warner Bros. is the studio that was the worst offender of this trend this year and, in the contest of “what’s our most ableist movie?,” with their strong contenders like The Nice Guys and The Accountant, Me Before You barely won that dubious distinction.  This is based on a young adult novel by Jojo Moyes that was controversial when it came out because it was construed that this story about the relationship between the quadriplegic son of a rich British castle owning couple and his assistant caregiver was arguing that the former, because of his plan to commit suicide based on the depression of him losing his ability to walk and function, was better off dead.  Sadly, the film, which Moyes herself adapted the screenplay, doesn’t make that charge any less valid, as it shows that, despite the defense that both the film and book are poignant tragedies about the mindset of someone in a situation like that and the harsh reminder to those trying to talk him out of it that you can’t always change people, the movie is psychologically, emotionally and disgustingly simplistic, ignorant and dishonest in its attempt to explore his disability and his relationship with the caretaker, not to mention that the caretaker is one of the most loathsome female lead characters in any teenage melodrama like this.  In fact, I’ll go on the record now and say that this is more two-faced, pandering, shameless and rage-inducing than every Nicholas Sparks film adaptation I’ve seen, and I am not joking (in fact, my favorite one, Dear John, also explored a character with a disability with more honesty and respect).

The film stars Emilia Clark from Game Of Thrones in a role that makes me glad I still haven’t started watching that much talked about TV show. She plays Lou Clark, a young woman living in the economically stressed small-town of Pembrokeshire in Wales who was just fired from her job working at the local coffee shop because they’re going out of business.  Out of a job and with little education, Lou looks for another job to help keep the unemployed family she lives at home with alfloat, including a mother, father, sister and said sister’s out of wedlock child, so she goes to an interview for the caretaker of Will Traynor (Sam Claflin), a now bitter and cutting man who became a quadriplegic after getting hit by a motorcycle and, along with losing his ability to walk and participate in the extreme sports that he used to, also lost his fiancé, who has since found someone else and is now planning to marry them.  Will’s parents, Camilla (Janet McTeer) and Stephen (Charles Dance), are the richest people in town as the owners of the Pembroke Castle and, after they meet with Lou, despite her being easily flustered and ripping her stockings (because Lou is clumsy and awkward in bold, italics and underlining, like female love interests in all bad romance movies are), they give her the job in the hopes that she can assist and cheer up their son.  However, Lou is only Will’s caretaker by day because, at night, his nurse, Nathan (Stephen Peacocke) takes over and, because he has actual medical experience, he knows how to handle Will.  Lou, on the other hand, is in over her head, which isn’t helped by the prickly digs that Will makes towards her, yet after enough time, she starts to break through and the two begin to like each other.  However, that apparently doesn’t mean much, because Will is still planning to commit assisted suicide, so Lou tries, on the pleas of his parents, to convince him that his life is still worth living, while meanwhile, her feelings for Will grow into love, as does Will’s feelings for Lou, to an extent.

Now, based on that description, you might be thinking, “well, the movie is about the relationship between Lou and Will and they are explicitly dealing with the idea that Will wants to die and that Lou is trying to change his mind, so how can you say that the movie is arguing that Will is better off dead?”  Simple; because that sentence is just what the film is about and not how it’s about it. Yes, the movie does look at the dichotomy of Will’s depressed state of mind and Lou trying to reverse it, but it refuses to level with us about his perhaps changing state of mind after meeting her. All we see of Will are the usual treacly disability movie clichés with him being depressed, lashing out initially for reasons that are not clear until later and then having his heart warmed up by the woman who “just won’t give up on him, damn it,” but it all feels so empty and devoid of passion and authenticity.  That latter point also extends to why he wants to kill himself, because although the movie does show us his feelings of being useless and wanting to give up, it’s all surface with no interest in probing deeper into his psyche. We learn that the drivers of his desire to die are because his fiancé left him and because he can’t be independent anymore, but the way the movie presents both is shallow and perfunctory at best and, at worst, insulting, especially because the film seems to take sadistic joy in seeing him suffer under the false pretenses of elaborating on those things (while, again, underscoring the idea that the film is also arguing for his “sweet release”).  

For example, Will’s fiancé is remarrying, which leads to a really cruel scene where she comes back to visit Will when Lou is there and explicitly tells him “I’m going to marry this guy; I hope there’s no hard feelings.”  I got really angry watching this, which, I guess, is supposed to be the point, but I was more mad because of how obviously manufactured and tone-deaf the whole scene was and how the fiancé character only exists to be a self-awareness-lacking prop to further his pain, instead of actually looking at how such a difficult and painful situation like that would actually play out with the characters in the real world that this movie claims to exist in (case in point; despite that, Will and Lou accept her wedding invitation anyway and the emotions behind it are only given lip service and even then, not very much).  Same goes with him having to sit in a chair all day and have other people help him, which I know is the reality for people with disabilities like that, but I’ve seen many movies before that depict that life honestly and with the bitterness, depression and, sometimes, cutting and wry mordant humor sometimes present in it, such as the great Rory O’Shea Was Here from 2005.  By comparison, this feels totally phony and mean-spirited by how much it revels in that suffering, especially when throws cheap, unmotivated and clearly insult-intended My Left Foot jokes at Will, ultimately revealing this as one of those “we care about people with disabilities, but not really" films that’s more interested in getting a cheap emotional reaction out of us at the end and not at all about the people it claims compassion for.  

As such, I don’t care about what’s going to happen to Will, which is bad enough, but even worse, I absolutely hate Lou here.  Again, it’s because the movie basically makes her into an empty cypher to deliver the pathos with, but she’s worse, because of how much of an emotionally immature, selfish and irresponsible brat she is.  First off, she should not be taking care of Will because of her lack of experience, which we clearly see when she makes multiple mistakes that put his health in jeopardy, which the movie brushes off as letting Will “live a little” and being able to be an adult again (yeah, not when your immune system is compromised so that going outside in the snow makes it easier to contract pneumonia and potentially die from it, it’s not). Second, even though she’s taken the job to help her family’s financial struggles, that subplot never ends up amounting to anything for them and only benefits her by the relationship she gets with Will, not to mention that we see her in tons of overly colorful and expensive dresses and outfits that said money problems should not allow her to have.  Third, when she finds out that Will wants to die and her attempts to try to convince him otherwise seem to not be working, she lashes out against him by pretty much accusing him of being selfish, irresponsible and immature which, coming from Lou, is quite rich, considering those words describe her to a tee. And finally, Emilia Clark’s awful performance does not make me feel for her whatsoever and actually, with her overacting outbursts, cringe-inducing forced clumsiness and horribly fake/unnatural smile, I actively hated her, to the point where, when Will sarcastically calls her BS attitude, idiocy and social faux-pas about his disability out early in the movie, I was completely on his side, which I don’t think was intended.  

Actually, for that reason, I kind of liked Sam Claflin as Will and wished he had a better movie to play a character like this, but he also contributes to what is unintentionally, the best part of the movie for me. You see, Will loves foreign films, which Lou scoffs at, so he demands that she watch a foreign film with him (he picks 2010’s Of Gods And Men), resulting in her adoring it.  Later, Lou goes out to the movies with her boyfriend (sorry, I forgot to mention that she has one before Will, who’s an inattentive and selfish wannabe runner, but he’s not interesting or believable, either, so yeah) and she suggests a foreign film over the new Will Ferrell comedy, but to no avail. Now, here’s the kicker; the film she wants to see is 1999’s All About My Mother, directed by Pedro Almodovar. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you know Almodovar, you also know that the movie he made after that one was 2002’s Talk To Her, which just so happens to be a film (and a really good and wonderfully avant-garde one) about two paralyzed women that are taken care of by their doting caregivers and, by that association game, it only further reminded me of how this film’s look at disability and the romantic bonds that come from it are totally fake and shameless.  I bet the makers of this movie are now looking back and wishing they didn’t make that connection, though, to be fair, they’re also probably thanking their lucky stars that, of all of Almodovar’s films they could have chosen to name drop, they didn’t pick that one to make a direct link.  

Adding insult to injury, the pacing is unbearably slow, the romance and drama are completely empty, Clark and Claflin have little chemistry together, the music choices are embarrassingly literal, the supporting performances and the side characters they play add little and not even the Wales setting adds any atmosphere or sense of time and place to compliment the already failed narrative elements of the film. That, and it offended and angered me so much with its hypocritical attitude and offensive trifling attitude about its subject material which, as you’ll also see more evidence of later on in this worst of list, it disgustingly and despicably seemed to be open season on in the movies in 2016.

 4. Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice

Yeah, I know this film is on pretty much EVERY 10 Worst of 2016 list out there, but Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice is just so deserving of it that I have to jump in with my own take on why it really is that atrocious.  As you likely know, 2016 was the year that DC Comics, in conjunction with Warner Bros., took their boldest steps to follow in the cinematic footsteps of Marvel Comics and their Marvel Studios film division, with the attempt at having big-budget blockbusters of famous DC Comics characters and books that would please the legions of comic fans, please casual moviegoers and create a connected cinematic universe for DC, much like Marvel has.  To say that DC’s attempt failed is the understatement of the year, that is, unless you think them having a reputation of putting out a group of bloated, endless, idiotic, hypocritical, hateful and cynically sequel-baiting pieces of garbage that despise half the human race constitutes success.  And to think, Batman V Superman was just the first such vile movie we got this year, along with, apparently, Batman: The Killing Joke and certainly… well, the next film on this list.

Anyway, the setup of this movie, to be fair, sounds interesting on paper and, of course, the idea of having the two biggest DC Comics stars in the same film would make you think/hope it’d be great.  The story takes place a year and a half after the last Superman movie, Man Of Steel, which, if you recall, ended with massive destruction coming upon Metropolis and seemingly untold numbers of innocent people getting injured or dying inadvertently at the hands of Superman during his battle with General Zod.  One of those victims is Wallace Keefe (Scoot McNairy), a worker at Wayne Enterprises whose legs were crushed during the fracas by falling metal girders (because we just have to get a 9/11 parallel into these Superman-related films somehow) and who is taken care of by Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck), the latter of whom sees Superman flying in the sky and blames him for the destruction.  From there, with the assistance of his butler, Alfred (Jeremy Irons), Bruce plans to exact revenge on Superman using his various detective skills, gadgets, his persona as Batman and some additional information provided by Diana Prince (forced meme actress Gal Gadot), AKA the subject of the next big DC movie coming out (of which this film should not make you confident of that one’s quality, even with Monster director Patty Jenkins making it).  Meanwhile, Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) has been feeling the weight of being the now societally controversial Superman, as well as the current strains in his relationship with fellow Daily Planet reporter, Lois Lane (Amy Adams), but also finds out about Wayne’s plan to put a stop to Superman, resulting in Clark writing articles intended to expose and smear Batman as a hypocritical vigilante because, yeah, working at a newspaper clearly means that you get to write about what you want after your boss tells you “you’re on sports today” (which was even more noticeable when this movie first came out, as it was less than a month after Spotlight, a really smart movie about the newspaper business, won the Oscar for Best Picture). As Batman/Bruce Wayne and Superman/Clark Kent are in the middle of their heated debate, if you will, about what makes a man a vigilante and/or a self-designated protector, Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) is scheming to use General Zod’s dead body and the Kryptonian cove that holds it to destroy Superman, which he then sets into motion by kidnapping Clark’s mother, Martha (Diane Lane) and offering to release her if Superman kills Batman, the latter of whom recently stole Kryptonite to weaponize for use against Superman.  And thus, we get the epic battle of Batman versus Superman that should be a dream come true to viewers, but in reality, ends up being more of a nightmare.

As I said, there is an ambitious attempt at social commentary about the nature of superheroes in this comic book movie and it’s not just an endless action extravaganza. Then again, so was my best film of 2008, The Dark Knight (a far better film also based on a DC property), not to mention that you have to wonder if this film’s director, Zack Snyder, the misogynist hack who also directed Man Of Steel, and writers Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer (the later of whom also wrote Man Of Steel) only made the story of this one the way it is as an apology for what that 2013 film did with its third act. There was a lot of destruction and collateral damage going on at the end of Man Of Steel, which was both mind-numbing and, to a lot of people, out of keeping with Superman, given the fact that he didn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that he was unintentionally killing innocent people as he fought Zod.  That led to justified charges that Synder was showing a complete disregard for innocent lives and, given that, as well as Synder’s insane defense of it by arguing Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens was more hateful because more innocents died with the planet destruction in that movie (even though that one was actually acknowledging those deaths and how terrible they were, unlike Man Of Steel), it seems as if the plot of Batman V Superman is his direct cinematic answer to that criticism.  Fair enough, but Synder totally destroys the potential of the premise (and the effectiveness of his personal argument) by still lovingly reveling in the death, destruction and suffering that the characters cause (unintentionally or not) and, as far as the moral quandaries at the center of it all, all we get is a bunch of brief, didactic and surface speeches about how right or wrong Batman and Superman think each specific dilemma is, but without any attempt to dive into the potentially thought-provoking guts of it (and considering Goyer also wrote The Dark Knight, which actually did just that, the lack of it here is totally inexcusable).

As far as the narrative explorations of Batman and Superman’s characters are concerned, the film does a pretty bad job of balancing between the two characters and, of what we do get of the two, it feels empty, emotionally inert and like rehashes of some of the more famous/infamous details related to the characters in the comics and other movies.  In Batman’s case, I really felt that his reasons for wanting to stop Superman so badly, aside from seeing one of his co-workers get paralyzed, were really murky, as was his backstory.  I get the idea that Batman/Bruce Wayne is a loner who tries to hide his pain, but the film mostly focuses on his attempts at revenge on Superman, with a few embarrassingly dumb dream sequences thrown in (come on, Batman shooting at Superman’s soldiers in a desert with a gun?!) and, despite the valiant effort of Ben Affleck in the role, he’s not able to make us feel for Wayne/Batman on his own and without the movie helping him.  Actually, the movie is hurting Affleck’s role, because of the issues with his character, as well as that computerized Batman voice of his that was enough to make me nostalgic for the Sean Connery-inspired voice of Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, all of which might explain why Affleck is now directing himself in his own Batman film (which will hopefully be better). The scenes with Superman don’t fare much better, particularly because Henry Cavill is empty and shows none of the lighter charm in the role that even the also dramatically minded Man Of Steel allowed him to flaunt, his struggles are unbelievable and uninteresting, he has no chemistry with Lois Lane (despite the presence of their sex scene in a bathtub, which is easily the most head-shaking and uncomfortable sex scene in a superhero movie since Watchmen which, ironically, Snyder also made) and the idea of society torn as to whether Superman is a hero or a menace doesn’t have the presence and weight that it should.  When the two are brought together, their battle and the reasons for it are basically the comic book equivalent of Idiot Plot syndrome (you know, the idea that it’s based on a simple misunderstanding that one simple discussion between the characters would solve) and the resolution to it is even worse, and clearly, I’m not alone in thinking that, given how the “maternal” angle of it has since deservedly become the biggest laughingstock within DC, comic and online culture.

Regarding the supporting characters, they’re generally too insignificant to mean much, even with heavy-hitting actors like Jeremy Irons, Diane Lane and Lawrence Fishburne in their just OK roles, and of the important ones, Lex Luthor and Lois Lane, they don’t have the intended impact on the film.  Luthor isn’t particularly interesting as a villain, given his stupid plot and lack of gravitas and it’s likely quite inaccurate to the character in the comic books.  Then again, even the great Kevin Spacey couldn’t make this character work in Superman Returns a decade ago and, despite that, I didn’t mind Jesse Eisenberg in the role, if only because at least it gives this overly oppressive and dark movie a brief shot of levity via Eisenberg’s admittingly out of place, but still comparatively appealing fast-talking psychotic madness.  Regarding Lois Lane, unlike Man Of Steel, she’s back to being the damsel in distress that the character is often stereotyped as being (even with Amy Adams playing her), but because this is a Zack Snyder film, the attitude about her, and for that matter, every other woman character, goes beyond just the usual insulting female tropes and into the far worse and more offensive realm of rank misogynistic hatred.

Every time I think Snyder is going to stop his cinematic War On Women, he just keeps doubling down with his next picture and, with the exception of his “pedophile’s dream movie,” Sucker Punch, this is his worst film on that front.  Lois and every female character in this movie are endlessly sexualized and endure or are threatened with violence, suffering and death in scenes that are repulsively taking joy in their pain (the scenes with Mrs. Kent crying as she’s threatened with being burned alive with a flamethrower and the opening that lovingly relishes in the brutal murder of Bruce’s mother as those pearls of hers and her body fall to the ground in slow-motion are particularly vile).  That’s offensive enough as it is, but I was even more enraged by the film’s cynical attempt to justify it all by pretending that it actually cares about its women and that it believes that they’re strong individuals.  In reality, it doesn’t care in the slightest, with the two clearest examples of this being Lois Lane and, despite what many are arguing, Diana Prince and her alter-ego.  Both characters are initially shown to be proactive in their goals, with Lois putting all the pieces of Luthor’s scheme together herself and then, trying to push back against Luthor and the senators tied to him, while Diana gets most of the information that Bruce ends up using by herself via her cunning and wiles. So, OK, they’re girls doing it for themselves, which is nice, but the third act reveals that they really can’t do it themselves and punishes them for their attempts.  Lois ultimately is punished for her proactivity by becoming the weak and useless damsel who needs to rely on Superman to be saved (even for things that she doesn’t need his superpowers for), while Diana’s so-called “wonderfully feministic contribution” is just barely assisting the two male leads who, without giving too much away, end up finishing the job she helped to start and taking all the credit.

On top of that, the movie is horribly directed by Synder, the pacing is unbelievably slow, making its over 2 ½ hour running time feel torturous (especially with all those false endings and pathetic attempts to set up sequels and the other characters’ movies, with one scene doing the latter by literally stopping the movie) and even the action scenes aren’t any good, thanks to their overly loud audio, choppy editing, ugly/dark look and incomprehensible nature.  Thankfully, even though this film became a big box office hit, it ended up not mattering because DC Comics fans are actually willing and able to be objective when their properties are turned into horrible movies (that’s something that the Marvel fans might want to start doing), so even they knew this was a massive disaster worthy of heavy derision which, along with critics and other burned moviegoers like me, they applied to this film full force to give it the lousy reputation that it deserves.  Too bad that DC didn’t seem to care that much about our dissatisfaction, as they so aptly proved with their so-called “comeback” movie that is my next worst of the year selection…

 5. Suicide Squad

Hey, lookee here; DC Comics is back to steal our money and insult our intelligence, taste and will to be entertained with yet another horrible 2016 comic book movie. Seriously, at this point, you have to wonder if DC is trying to destroy their fan-base, while also alienating outsiders and, of course, women (since rank and rampant misogyny seems to be the MO of the DC Comics film adaptations).  To be fair, I’m pretty sure that DC and Warner Bros. (wow, almost half of my worst of list now consists of junk from that studio) were trying to pivot from the disastrous reaction to Batman V. Superman with Suicide Squad, given that this one underwent a couple of reshoots, some minor rewrites and a rating change (from its originally promised R to PG-13, all the better for cynically making more money) before it released this past August. Some people I’ve talked to think this is a case of cynical studio meddling, which it clearly is, but they also think director David Ayer got screwed over here, which is wrong, given his recent insistence that, even after all the edits, the film’s final cut is all his, not to mention that this hypocritical, misogynistic, incomprehensible, clichéd, dull, badly made and thoroughly unpleasant junk also shares the same negative attributes of Ayer’s past failures that didn’t have studio involvement.  Either way, there’s a lot of blame to place for this one and it’s further evidence of how creatively and morally adrift DC is in the movies nowadays and how they need to clean up their cinematic act and fast.

The film takes place after the ending of Batman V Superman, which went early 1990s on Superman, if you know what I mean, resulting in a secret government agency lead by Amanda Walker (Viola Davis, who’s likely glad that she has Fences out right now to make people forget she was slumming it in this), looking for a new method for keeping the US and the world safe from villains.  Apparently, getting Batman involved isn’t something she’s open to (and yes, Ben Affleck does return here in that role), so she decides to recruit a group of locked-up supervillains, many of whom Batman has fought, and bring them together to fight against evil forces.  You may be wondering why Walker thinks it’s a good idea to trust a group of villains who could feasibly band together, escape and cause even more havoc, but she has a backup plan; she puts them all under the watchful eye of hardened commander Colonel Rick Flag (Joel Kinnaman) and she has implanted a nano-bomb in each of them, which Flag is ordered to detonate should any of them go rogue. Speaking of those villains, they consist of Deadshot (Will Smith), a hitman with a proficiency with guns and a young daughter he wants to support, despite his murderous tendencies, El Diablo (Jay Hernandez), a now seemingly pacifistic former LA gangbanger with pyrokinetic powers and a troubled past, Captain Boomerang (Jai Courtney), a thieving scumbag who, surprise surprise, attacks with a boomerang, Killer Croc (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) a genetically mutated man with bodily features and attributes much like a crocodile, Slipknot (Adam Beach), a highly specialized assassin with rappelling skills and Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), the psychotic, highly sexual and emotionally battered former psychiatrist to The Joker, the latter of whom is also in this film in a much hyped, but completely inconsequential, microscopic and nothing role (he’s played by Oscar winner Jared Leto).  The plot shows the growing bond, if you want to call it that, between the supervillains, as well as how one of the intended recruits is possessed by the Enchantress (Cara Delevingne), who is seeking revenge on the world for imprisoning her and her brother’s souls in ancient artifacts years ago, resulting in the supervillains having to band together to stop her and save both Midway City and the world.  During it all, the film also wants to have an acerbic and dark comedic edge mixed in with the heavy action and drama, as well as a penchant for using famous licensed tunes, ala Guardians Of The Galaxy.

I have to admit that I didn’t like Guardians Of The Galaxy when it came out in 2014 (though I’d probably have been kinder to it if I knew even worse all-star cavalcade comic book movies like this would be following it), but at least that movie had a sense of chemistry between the team (despite some serious credibility issues I had with their overall relationship).  Here, we get no concept of the bond that these “heroes” share, since they all seem out to serve their own interests and also, because they don’t have very good chemistry to make their contrasting personalities and goals effectively play off of each other.  We see that definitively in the scene when they basically stop the plot of the movie and go have drinks at a bar, but that’s the only attempt at comradery that we get, and even then, it’s nothing but the parading of a bunch of hoary old clichés and them emphasizing how humorously off-beat they think they are with the old “I’m not really as bad as society says I am” trope. At best, this, as well as all the other attempts to sell us on the idea of this team coming together on an emotional and/or comedic level, is pedestrian and doesn’t give us a rooting interest in the characters, but at worst, I’m not buying it for second and they induce feelings of anger and disdain over what they and film want us to instantly accept.  The key examples of this is are the stabs at familial pathos with Deadshot’s daughter and El Diablo’s backstory about his family; the former thread is cloying and cheap, the latter is about something so horrible in his past that there’s no way that most people in the audience will believe he’s moral and let that go so quickly and, in both cases, they’re just tired and offensive plot devices to try and cynically soften these characters, as opposed to honestly developing them so we believe that, even in their seemingly seedy and/or nigh-irredeemable natures, that they have the capability of being good or, at the very least, are interesting enough to follow to the end (ala a Terry Zwigoff film like Bad Santa or Ghost World, both of which had similar outcast leads that were well-developed and darkly funny).

Before we get the team together, though, we get their solo introductions, which comprise a majority of the film’s first 40 minutes, give or take, but those don’t do a much better job of making us care about the characters, as they’re flatly expository, aggravatingly self-conscious, tonally schizophrenic, and, for some characters, incomprehensible.  For instance, I had no idea what to make of or feel about Killer Croc, who’s an interesting villain based on my knowledge of him from the Batman enterprise, but the film seems to rush through his story (as well as some others, like Slipknot) because it wants to focus on the characters played by the biggest stars here, namely, Smith’s Deadshot and Robbie’s Harley Quinn, most of which is all about flaunting their strange behavior, the muted neon color look of the film and, of course, those damn licensed songs that are so obvious, lazy and on-the-nose that their presence made me angry (Creedence Clearwater Revival’s Fortunate Son, The Rolling Stone’s Sympathy For The Devil, Lesley Gore’s You Don’t Own Me and The Animals’ House Of The Rising Sun?! REALLY?!).  As far as the film’s look at Quinn, this is the first depiction of the character in a movie and my God, does it want to have it both ways tonally speaking, by trying to look at her twisted mental state as appealingly humorous and erotic, while also being dark, disturbing and serious.  If the movie played fair with that, like the Batman: The Animated Series that introduced Quinn did, then no problem, but there’s something uniquely ugly about the portrayal here, as the movie sexualizes and glamorizes her mental state, as well as her abusive relationship with The Joker, while tossing in some token heavy moments to try and hide that this movie is grotesquely trivializing her mental illness and psychological suffering by making it look “fun,” “sexy,” “funny” and “empowering,” which it isn’t, especially how this film treats it.

Then again, that’s in keeping with the hacky attitude of the whole movie which, despite the studio interaction, is all on co-writer/director David Ayer, because he falls down here in the same ways he did on the so-called “pure” pictures he made.  His End Of Watch refused to pick a style and go with it, while his Fury (a film that, amazingly, is even worse and more despicable than this) oozed with leering sexuality and suffocating for its own sake claustrophobia, and this one does all three, as it uneasily straddles the line between dark comedy and heavy drama/action, but without doing any of it well, it hates women, as I emphasized with Quinn as the most obvious example, and the film gives off a really oppressive aura that doesn’t fit the movie and makes it dull and extremely depressing to watch.  In addition, the action scenes are badly lit, choppy, quickly cut, not exciting and incomprehensible (could it be because of the cut to a PG-13?), the CG is awful, the pacing is slow, the writing is poor, the story is stupid, Ayer’s direction is distractingly chaotic, and the performances are empty and wasted, either because they’re bland, as is the case with Jai Courtney, Jay Hernandez, Joel Kinnaman and the usually magnetic Will Smith, or they’re trying too hard, as is the case with Cara Delevingne’s painfully over-the-top vampy act as the Enchantress, Margot Robbie’s pushiness as Quinn and, of course, the much ballyhooed role of The Joker by Jared Leto who, though not trying to copy Heath Ledger’s legendary turn as the character in The Dark Knight, is one-note, unpleasant and a real turn-off (but at least he’s only in the film for under 10 minutes, so at least the pain of his presence here won’t hurt you for too long).  

Look, I know DC wants to try and be a cinematic fanboy/fangirl powerhouse like Marvel is, but soul-draining and empty garbage like Suicide Squad is not doing them or the fans any favors, nor is it making outsiders like me willing to jump on board. Also, this was supposed to be the one that would get them back on track after Batman V Superman, but it just ended up driving them into the ditch even further, suggesting that maybe they should either go back to the drawing board again, or perhaps quit while they’re ahead. Some are arguing that Wonder Woman next year will save the DC movies and maybe it will, but on the back of the two we got this year (or three, if you count The Killing Joke), if your expectations for that one now are anything but subterranean, well, I’m sorry, that’s your problem.

 6. The Neon Demon

Man, what happened to Nicholas Winding Refn?  He seemed like a pretty interesting and gutsy avant-garde filmmaker with the mixed-bag, but interesting enough (and very well-acted by Tom Hardy) 2009 film, Bronson and especially his 2011 masterpiece, Drive (which I had on my 10 best list that year), but something happened after that latter 5-year-old film of his and he’s clearly let success and the critical arguments of his directorial grandeur go to his head with his last couple of films.  In 2013, he made Only God Forgives, a particularly empty and vile piece of trash that was my clear pick for the worst movie of that year, and here he is once again with The Neon Demon, a film that’s, at the very least, a slight improvement over that one, as you can at least get some understanding of what he’s trying to do with this one.  Then again, that’s little consolation in my eyes, as it’s still an unbelievably thin, pushy, pretentious and insufferable waste of time and talent that, like any bad art-house film, uses its sanctimonious auteurist form to pretend that Refn’s the best filmmaker ever and that he’s crafted some great, profound, disturbing and shocking look at its themes and subjects, when it’s just proof that he may not be as good a filmmaker as he thinks he is and has the most embarrassingly literal interpretation of old-hat concepts regarding show business, modeling and the female sexuality often tied into both.

The film is centered around Jesse (Elle Fanning), a 16-year-old blond girl from a small town who’s come to LA looking to become a model.  She’s just had her first photoshoot with Dean (Karl Glusman), an aspiring photographer she met online who offered to take shots of her to shop around town and, after the shoot, she meets Ruby (Jena Malone), a makeup artist who, in between her part-time work as an assistant at the morgue, has connections in the fashion industry and thinks Jesse has potential.  Ruby introduces Jesse to two models that Ruby often does makeup work for; Sarah (Abbey Lee) and Gigi (Bella Heathcote).  Both Sarah and Gigi emphasize the idea of sexuality and/or plastic surgery as the most effective way to get ahead in the LA modeling world, while seeming a bit dismissive of the more reserved aura and appearance of Jesse.  This, as well as encouragement from her wavering between friend and boyfriend Dean, inspires Jesse to go for an interview at Roberta Hoffman’s (Christina Hendricks) renowned modeling agency, who are looking for new girls to sign. Despite Jesse being underage, Roberta allows her to fudge her age and the parental consent form, allowing Jesse to be signed, with the thought by Roberta that her looks and style will make her a star.  As you’d likely expect, the shoots Jesse is tasked with doing are highly sexualized, especially with Hoffman’s top photographer Jack (Desmond Harrington) being so taken by Jesse that he demands closed set nude shoots for her to do.  This helps Jesse become a quickly rising talent in the industry, to the point where many of the other big fashion icons are instantly smitten with Jesse and want a piece of her, but this creates tensions with Sarah and Gigi, who aren’t used to being rejected and losing contract work, as well as with Dean, who knows Jesse’s underage, but has still developed feelings for her and fears she’s drifting away from, and with Ruby, who also is starting to view herself as a protector of Jesse’s and, perhaps, something more. Meanwhile, we get a group of bizarre and twisted developments regarding Hank (Keanu Reeves), the violent and pedophilic owner of the Pasadena motel that Jesse is staying at, as well as attempts by Sarah and Gigi at revenge against Jesse.

Director Refn (who uses his initials NWR throughout the opening and closing credits, I guess to tell how deep and important a director he thinks he is, though he really hasn’t been showing it recently) has stated that this movie was intended to be a tribute, of sorts, to Russ Meyer’s 1970 film, Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls.  To say it, in my eyes, misses the point of Meyer’s cult classic goes without saying, but I can at least see what Refn was trying to do here, which is to paint a surrealistic, supernatural and grotesque metaphor about our concept of beauty, fashion, celebrity and the industries associated with all three ideas.  Specifically, through Jesse, it’s challenging the idea of female beauty/sexuality, the life of models (particularly those who, like, her, are of the barely legal and Lolita small-town runaway varieties), the vapidity and looks-obsessed industry and, of course, her modeling peers in Gigi and Sarah who will do anything to be the best and stay relevant, while also having its elements of jazzing those themes up with Refn’s signature mind-tripping scenes tied to Jesse and the other characters.  Too bad for Refn that he’s two years too late with this film, since in 2014, Jonathan Glazer made Under The Skin (my 8th best film that year), a similar mind-trip that explored many of the same concepts and perceptions of female beauty and eroticism as this, but was infinitely better and more engrossing.  In addition, Under The Skin also had interesting, consistent and well-developed characters, better thought-out and more intriguing messages and avant-garde detours that worked as inherently watchable and interesting cinema that tied to the narrative without feeling aggressively pushy, unpleasant or boring.

The Neon Demon has none of those things, starting with its concepts about Jesse and the fashion world it’s depicting.  In a sense, my typing the next passage you’ll read is kind of a spoiler of the movie, (which I almost believe was done on purpose to shield the film from this criticism), but it needs to be said; the movie’s look at it topics is ultimately nothing more than forming a literal interpretation of the concept of the high-stakes world of celebrity, fashion and beauty eating you alive.  I won’t go too far into exactly how the film does that (because it does it in many ways that I won’t reveal), but it’s a massively lazy, arch, pathetic and ugly cop-out that undoes Refn’s argument of giving us this brave, unique and thought-provoking twist on these familiar themes and archetypes. Some may think “oh, this is just a great twist concept,” but it can’t even do that right, because the movie telegraphs that concept so obviously by telling us the same idea, so that I could easily predict it going in that direction and, when it got there, it was just ugly and disgusting shock value that lacks any hint of intelligent or interesting commentary or filmmaking.  Also, by that point, I had long stopped caring about the movie or any of the characters in it, since we don’t get to know enough about the characters to be invested or make the film’s points resonate, especially regarding Jesse.  She’s supposed to be the protagonist here, obviously, so why is it that I feel that I didn’t learn anything about her aside from being a young, naïve runaway looking for stardom in LA’s fashion industry?  Maybe it’s supposed to be a commentary of how the industry often seems to idolize good-looking, but empty-headed cyphers as the next big thing, but I doubt it, because that’s what Sarah and Gigi represent.  By comparison, Jesse is not the most attractive looking model we see, but they respond to the fact that she’s natural in her appearance and persona, which is subverting the cliché of the fashion world never seeing beauty as anything but skin-deep.  So why can’t we get a good sense of who Jesse is, too?  That would have also helped Jesse’s change in motivations after she begins her industry rise not feel like they’re completely random, particularly given how she quickly becomes cold and vapid (especially in regards to Dean, who then just disappears from the movie completely).  Same goes for the other characters, especially Ruby, Sarah and Gigi, as we don’t get enough of a concept of how they reached their changed perspectives, as if the film is missing scenes.

Then again, I guess Refn would justify that by his seeming idea that we won’t care about how skimpy the film’s narrative is, because we apparently love his bizarre and interludes, complete with his trademark gaudy colors, wide and antiseptic rooms/hallways and punishing synth-heavy music.  In his films like Bronson and Drive, I have no problem with it, but here, they stop the plot dead in its tracks, are suffocating, dull, aggravating and embarrassingly on-the-nose in how they tangentially connect to the narrative and made me feel like he’s self-consciously trying to make the movie seem more deep and profound than really it is.  In addition, the dialogue is arch and obvious (and it can’t be passed off as "oh, this is a reflection of how empty-headed models/people in the industry are" when every character not connected to it is the same way), the film’s way too long and draggy at 2 hours and the performances are all merely passable, even by usually interesting and underrated actors like Elle Fanning, Keanu Reeves, Desmond Harrington and Jena Malone.  Again, I don’t know what’s going on with Refn as a director, because he’s certainly daring and has talent, but that just makes this one even worse and proves that when talented filmmakers fall, they go down hard and the results are often not pretty.

 7. Nocturnal Animals

2009’s A Single Man was a pretty excellent debut film by former fashion designer Tom Ford, looking at the insular life of a 1960s English professor struggling with the death of his male lover and his societal alienation relating to the real-life events of the time (specifically, the Cuban Missile Crisis) and his semi-closeted homosexuality.  It was a film that somehow felt realistic and dream-like at the same time and it had Ford’s assured direction, a tangible atmosphere, a lack of pretension and some excellent performances (most notably by its lead, Colin Firth) to make it all work. Here we are 7 years later with Ford’s second film, Nocturnal Animals, and let me tell you; “sophomore slump” doesn’t even begin to describe this one.  It has similar ambitions of giving us an ethereal atmosphere and exploration of sexual hang-ups, as well as intentions of giving us deep and profound perspectives on the characters that make up this psychological drama/thriller hybrid, but this is an empty, painfully obvious, insufferably pretentious and extremely ugly disaster that represents a massive comedown for him and the amazing cast he assembled, as well as 2016’s Exhibit A of awful and sanctimonious films with awards season hopes that fooled some people into thinking it’s a profound and artistic masterpiece, but not me.

The opening shot of this movie shows us two fully naked and obese women (which the soft-focus camera ogles every inch of) gyrating in a performance art display, a clear sign of the film announcing itself as self-satisfied and embarrassingly "artsy" from the word “go” and diving further down the rabbit hole from there.  Anyway, this sight turns out to be the latest project for an art gallery by curator Susan Morrow (Amy Adams), an insomniac woman who lives in a fancy house with her new husband, Hutton (Armie Hammer).  Susan gets a package in the mail from her ex-husband, Edward (Jake Gyllenhaal), which contains a manuscript entitled Nocturnal Animals, which is the result of him finally writing a book after telling Susan and others for years that he eventually would.  When Hutton leaves town for business, Susan starts reading Edward’s work and becomes deeply engrossed in the story, which we see acted out in between the scenes with Susan.  The story of the book follows Tony (also played by Gyllenhaal) who, while on a road trip with his wife, Laura (Isla Fisher) and teenage daughter India (Ellie Bamber), is harassed by a group of lowlife reckless drivers, led by Ray Marcus (Aaron Taylor-Johnson), who eventually knock Tony’s car off of the road and psychologically torture him and his family.  This results in the men kidnapping Laura and India, while leaving Tony alone in the Texas desert.  Tony eventually is able to find his way to town and gets in contact with Bobby Andes (Michael Shannon), a hardened police officer who teams up with Tony to try and find Ray and his accomplices, while also, hopefully, finding Laura and India. In addition to this, we get flashbacks to the days of Susan and Edward’s relationship, starting with their first meeting and going through the moments in their marriage that would eventually bring an end to it.  This is because Susan has these memories awakened as she reads the book, recognizing that it’s a clear metaphor for their failed marriage.  From its themes, topics and characters, as well as the concept of it making Edward a heroic and proactive defender of himself and his family which, in their marriage and through most of his life, he was not, it’s a case of art imitating life that Susan is strongly reacting to, while also perhaps revealing that her current marriage and existence isn’t as great as it seems and the possible regrets that she may have over leaving Edward.    

I feel like Tom Ford was trying to emulate David Lynch with this one, given how the latter often uses surreal and sometimes shocking imagery to effectively tap into the dramatic intrigue and, sometimes, extremely twisted humor related to human taboos and our personal demons/mental baggage.  Indeed, the cinematically rare form of nudity in the opening that I snidely dismissed earlier is the kind of thing that I’ve seen Lynch do, but in the case of his best films, they take similar material, as well as other even bleaker concepts than we see here, and make them amount to something dramatically, while also drawing the audience into the off-beat, yet still authentic universe of its story and characters.  I get that the point of this movie is to dive into the guts of relationships and emphasize the regrets, second thoughts, neuroses and emotional baggage that often connect to them, but unlike the aforementioned Lynch’s Eraserhead and Mulholland Drive (the latter of which I’ve heard this one ludicrously compared to in a favorable context), the narrative content here is pathetically shallow and obvious, while the bizarre stylistic touches are overcompensating, self-conscious, grotesque just for the sake of being grotesque and full of cynical, empty and insultingly on-the-nose symbolism that tries and fails to make the movie come off as more intelligent, profound and vital about its story and characters than it really is.

Ooh, Edward’s book is him airing out the dirty laundry of his marriage by writing himself into the role of Tom because he was a weak man when he was married to Susan and guess what?  He’s weak here, too, but with an arc that gives him a chance to not be impotent (likely in more ways than one), while also emphasizing the Freudian mommy issues he’s working out by the treatment of Laura and India (who clearly are reflecting his marriage to Susan), as well as emphasizing how much of an empty progressive closet basket-case Susan is (which, in all honesty, he is correct about).  Isn’t that clever?  No, not really; it just seems like an empty, self-aggrandizing and ridiculous passive-aggressive game that Edward’s playing as an answer, I guess, to the same tactic Susan used when they were married, the latter of whom is now drawn into the book and wondering if maybe she was wrong with how coldly she treated him.  Regardless, it’s not interesting or investing, because Susan and Edward are not sympathetic or particularly engrossing characters, there are multiple loose ends that waste time and add nothing to them or the plot (specifically, the infidelity of Hutton and what she saw in him to make her want to marry him) and also, because the structure of bouncing between the main plot, the flashbacks of Susan and Edward together and the story of the book make it so there’s no stakes here.  We already know that their relationship is over and, no matter what happens in the book or the flashbacks, nothing’s really going to change in the main story because of their massive physical distance from each other (I believe she’s in California and he’s on the East Coast) and their now totally different lives. You’d think that the ending of the film would be the key to making everything we see matter regarding the trajectories of Susan and Edward, particularly in connection with the book, but it doesn’t, as it boils down to simplistic moralizing in an unfulfilling and abrupt open-ended close that feels as if it’s only like that so it can claim that it’s not a quick and tidy resolution and that the movie has “depth” and “layers,” which it doesn’t.

As far as the story of Edward’s manuscript is concerned, it’s pretty clichéd and predictable pulp revenge crime fare with some really repulsive and exploitative narrative spice to really force its sense of menace.  Specifically, I had a big problem with Ray and his goons, who are so over-the-top with how repugnant they are, both in terms of their appearance and actions, that every scene with them took me out of the film.  Yet, the movie relishes in them and their exploits, to the point of kind of sexualizing them, particularly as it relates to their treatment of Laura and India and even to a bizarre and (allegedly) darkly comedic scene where Ray is using a toilet that he has on his front porch and is asking permission to wipe before he can talk to Bobby, who came by to investigate.  Also not helping is the performance by Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Ray, since he’s just an empty creep who’s unctuously trying too hard to be threatening and only succeeding in spots because of the inherent seediness of the material and who, again, is such a massive turn-off that I couldn’t stay invested (not that I was drawn in much anyway).  I constantly get into arguments with friends as to whether Johnson’s worst acting was in 2014’s Godzilla (which I say he was fine in), but his role here is the one I’d give that dubious distinction to, and I’d like to think that those who hated him in Godzilla would be begging for that role again after seeing him here.  

Come to think of it, most of the acting in this film is sub-par or the actors are just wasted, despite some pretty big talent on display here.  Amy Adams as Susan is stilted and dull, but not for a good story reason or in a particularly intriguing way (unlike, say, her far better role in the recent Arrival), Johnson, as I said, is awful, Armie Hammer is bland and pushy as Hutton, and Isla Fisher, Jena Malone, Michael Sheen and Laura Linney contribute so little to the film that they’re only worth mentioning to remind people that “hey, they’re in this” (Linney is only in one scene as Edward’s mother, where she adds less weight and importance than her turn in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows, of all things).  The only performance here that I liked is from Michael Shannon as Bobby, especially because he has a semi-interesting (if not kind of stock) arc and some good rapport and chemistry with Jake Gyllenhaal, the latter of whom is only of note in the scenes he shares with Shannon (outside of that, he’s mannered to a distracting and off-putting degree, while making me depressed that, after his career-best performance in Nightcrawler, Gyllenhaal’s lost his touch badly given this, Demolition and Southpaw).  Actually, I could see those two actors working well in a movie that’s just in the style of the story of the book here, as they’ve shown before that they’re up to the task and their scenes also have a few jump scares that did work on me.  Then again, I’m basically saying that Ford should have ditched most everything here and made a completely different movie than what Nocturnal Animals ended up being, which if it turned out not being the slick, talent-wasting, vile and pretentious junk that this is, would have been fine by me.  

8. Ghostbusters

Oh yeah, I’m goin’ there. We all know about the Ghostbusters movie we got this year from Bridesmaids director Paul Feig, which ignited a firestorm of controversy over the fact that it was not a continuation of the story from the two 1980s films, but a new one with 4 women in the lead roles. The announcement of this resulted in outrage and worry over its trailers from hardcore fans of the originals, some of which was repulsively sexist, while we also got screams of sexism from social justice warriors convinced this it having women in it would make it better than the earlier films, some of which was also beyond the pale, most notably the debate-destroying rhetoric coming from director Feig himself, who went on Twitter tirades against fans and critics that are much too vulgar for me to print here (even against some people who were being reasonable and not sexist in their skepticism over the film and yes, there were those who were against this picture before its release without being misogynistic about it).  Too bad for Feig then, that the early suspicions of his Ghostbusters were totally justified, because this is a slapdash, immature, draggy, unfunny and warmed-over disaster that’s less interested in being a funny current-day twist on an 80s classic than being a politically correct apology for it and the era that saw its release.  Not to mention, in the most ironic of twists, this awful film is sexist as all get out, proving that Feig, the massively overrated (seriously, I haven’t recommended any film of his) and so-called “most female-friendly male comedy director,” is a massive hypocrite with even more massive deflection issues.

Like the original, the film opens with a paranormal attack and then, shifts to Columbia University, where this time, Dr. Erin Gilbert (Kristen Wiig) is currently on the tenure track and is reminded of a book she once published that supposedly contained evidence that ghosts are real.  Erin’s former colleague, Abby Yates (Melissa McCarthy), tipped off another publisher about the book, because Abby wants her and Erin to reunite and get back to proving that ghosts are real, while Erin wants to bury it all, fearing it’ll jeopardize her chances at tenure.  After the dean of Columbia, Harold Filmore (Charles Dance), finds out about Erin’s past via a Youtube video of her and Abby apparently seeing a ghost, Erin’s fired, as are Abby and her new partner, Jillian Holtzmann (Kate McKinnon), so the three women steal some equipment from Columbia (because theft = feminism, right?) and open up their own paranormal studies shop.  They’re particularly curious about a group of reported sightings of ghosts around New York, despite the claims of a famous ghost debunker, and they get a particularly strong lead when they meet Patty (Leslie Jones), an African American MTA subway worker who claims she saw a ghost on the tracks. Using Jillian’s ghost-catching equipment from her uncle and an old hearse, the four women, including Patty, begin seeking and busting ghosts all around town, while their dim secretary, Kevin Beckman (Chris Hemsworth), holds down their headquarters, located above a Chinese takeout shop.  Meanwhile, a male loner named Rowan (Neil Casey) seems to be connected to all the ghost attacks happening and the recent sightings have caught the eye of Mayor Bradley (Andy Garcia) and his assistant Jennifer Lynch (Cecily Strong), who balance between wanting the new Ghostbusters’ help and keeping the public calm.

There are a few things I want to explain up-front before I go on.  First of all, though I love the original Ghostbusters film from 1984, I didn’t first see it until 2004 and I still haven’t seen 1989’s Ghostbusters 2, so I don’t have a nostalgic horse in this race when I say this new movie’s junk.  Second, I don’t hate this movie because the new Ghostbusters are female and, even though it’s a very sad statement on American society that I even need to say something as obvious as this, I’m not against the concept of female Ghostbusters. Indeed, it’s possible to make a more feminist take on a popular 80s series that also captures the so-called testosterone-fueled aura that it originally became a hit for, which was the case with last year’s Mad Max: Fury Road. That film was my pick for the best movie of 2015 for, among other things, emphasizing its new feminist angle in a wonderfully organic way via the Furiosa character, which wonderfully dovetailed with and was effectively balanced between the more machismo angle of Max, both in context of that movie and in that series’ past 3 installments. Ghostbusters’ feministic approach is not organic and, like Terminator Genisys last year, the movie’s push for it gives off the aura that there’s something morally unacceptable with the 1984 original not having women in the lead roles.  If the earlier films were hateful in some way, that would be one thing, but both The Terminator and Ghostbusters showed stronger female portrayals for the time than they’re given credit for, the former due to Sarah Connor’s strong and active female presence alongside John Connor (along with her basically being the savior of the galaxy) and the latter due to both Annie Potts’s Janine and Sigourney Weaver’s Dana, who had dimension, depth and a personal drive separate from the male leads that still stood out.  So, if these two movies are arguing that the originals were sexist, which I say they are, they don’t know what they’re talking about, not to mention that neither of these modern versions show any gratitude to their classic inspirations because, let’s be honest; they’d never exist without the originals.  

Meanwhile, this Ghostbusters movie is sexist, and I’m not talking about the way it paints its male characters (I guess you could argue that by how it makes Kevin such an obvious and unfunny idiot and Rowan a walking, talking, self-aggrandizing self-commentary on the film’s pre-release controversy, but it’s more pathetically cheap and lazy to me than hateful). We were told that the idea of the female Ghostbusters movie was to break the patriarchy by subverting the usual Hollywood female character clichés, but shockingly, it’s actually reinforcing those stereotypes by the insulting way it draws its leads, which was the last thing I expected.  Outside of their science knowledge, which is just thickly laid on for expository purposes that aren’t interesting, logical or humorous, Erin, Abby and Jillian are just quip-machines with no personalities or interesting development, except for the aforementioned female character stereotypes, which the film repeatedly bombards us with like a bad sitcom and which none of the actresses can overcome.  Erin’s supposed to be a strong, independent woman, but that’s undone by how film portrays her as the typical meek and quiet nerd who’s suddenly and unbelievably attracted to the first hot guy she sees (Kevin) and, in a later scene played for cheap and unearned pathos, tells us she was bullied as a child.  As far as Abby and Jillian are concerned, Abby’s a rehash of the now beyond tired Melissa McCarthy fat-shaming shtick with her constantly falling down, yelling and being obsessed with food, (the Chinese place is constantly getting her dumpling order wrong), and Jillian’s a pushy, endlessly free-spirited, reckless and empty science girl-power wizard who thinks she’s funnier than she really is.  

Yeah, with tropes like those, these characters aren’t exactly empowering or breaking the mold by how they’re depicted (certainly not like Furiosa in Fury Road) but worst of all, they’re not funny either, despite the past talents of Wiig, McCarthy and McKinnon.  Also, director Feig makes the same mistake here that he did with Bridesmaids; he thinks these actresses are so funny and that every line they speak is comedic gold, that he lets them riff on and on in every so-called comedic scene, which drags them out way past the point where they might have had a shot at being funny, kills the pace of the film and made me resent the cast and crew for their unwillingness to show some restraint (the scene set to Debarge’s Rhythm Of The Night is a perfect example of that and there are many others begging for a good editor).  As far as Patty’s concerned, she’s also a stereotype and, on paper, a potentially racist one, given her constant attitude, street smarts and jive-talking, but to be honest, she’s the character I liked the most here because, unlike Wiig, McCarthy and McKinnon, Leslie Jones is able to rise above her underwritten role.  Jones’s delivery and cynical outlook was refreshing and better in practice than I expected from what we saw of Patty in the trailers, to the point where I did smile a couple of times at some of her cracks (which, interestingly enough, make me think of her as this new team’s closest equivalent to Bill Murray’s Peter Venkman from the earlier movies, as opposed to some arguing Wiig’s Erin does that) and where I wished the whole movie was about her.  The idea of a character I already like (more than any of the other leads) in a working-class job who has the talents and knowledge of New York City and the subway system that Patty has getting involved with the paranormal herself, I think, would be a great idea for the Ghostbusters enterprise. It could fit in with many of the themes of the series, while also changing it up on the angle of being a solo paranormal warrior/entrepreneur and also, being an African American woman breaking through to success, perhaps by learning about the technological stuff on the internet and buying the old Ghostbusters’ gear on eBay (almost like Nightcrawler if it were a comedy). But now, I’m just giving free advice about the film I’d like to have seen instead of the one I actually saw.  

Even with Jones making a good impression and with this being a slightly better Melissa McCarthy movie than The Boss (a low bar to clear, as I specified earlier), none of that is enough to save the film, or make up for its other issues.  The film’s humor, along with just not being funny, is frequently desperate and, at times, crude in a way that doesn’t work and doesn’t fit with this enterprise (hit to the groin jokes? No thanks), the Ghostbusters fan service, with one globular exception, is flat and pathetic, the special effects are bad (and not in an “I’m paying homage to the past” way), the villainous Rowan is just creepy and not an interesting or memorable antagonist, the movie’s way too long at 2 hours and the editing is atrocious, with scenes that transition abruptly, lack cohesion and/or drop earlier subplots entirely, as if the film wasn’t finished or, more likely, was cut down from an R rating to a "family friendly" PG-13.  Thankfully, despite Feig and Sony demanding we like/accept this and vilifying/labeling us if we didn’t, America saw that this Ghostbusters was just an unfunny and bad cash-grab that was cynically riding on the gender twist on its previously beloved male creation that can’t even do its social justice angle right and refused to support it.  Now, where else did we see that deservedly happen in 2016? Hmm…

9. Ratchet & Clank

Ahh, the video game to movie adaptation.  Since the 1990s, movie studios have taken popular video games series and turned them into movies in the hopes of getting long-time fans of the franchises to buy a ticket, while also convincing newcomers to do the same.  Too bad that, with the exception, I’d say, of Hitman (the first one) and a few cases of guilty pleasures, like Dead Or Alive and some of the Resident Evil movies, there really hasn’t been a good video game movie adaptation, as they’ve failed as films, first and foremost, and also, failed to capture the essence of the game in question.  This year, we got 4 movies based on video games (the others were The Angry Birds Movie and two I missed; Assassin’s Creed and Warcraft), but the one that got my attention and anticipation the most was Ratchet & Clank. This series, going back to the PlayStation 2 days (and continuing even today), was a fun and funny cartoony platform shooter with an appealingly sly and knowing sensibility about itself, so the idea of a CG animated movie based on the series sounded like a perfect fit and, when I heard it was co-written by T.J. Fixman, who wrote the scripts for the PS3 and PS4 Ratchet & Clank games, and was directed by TMNT director Kevin Munroe, whose first gig was directing a 2003 video game called Freaky Flyers, I thought this one couldn’t possibly fail.  Yet, it turned out to be the worst animated film I saw this year, as well as a disgrace to this great series, but most ironically, it was a bad game adaptation that, amazingly, did capture the spirit of the franchise, while somehow still missing the point and screwing up.  

The film is a loose retelling of the story from the original 2002 game, with the galaxy being taken over by Chairman Drek (Paul Giamatti), starting with him and his henchmen, the Blargg, destroying an abandoned planet.  The attack gains the attention of the galaxy’s main heroes, the Galactic Rangers, led by their pompous and self-absorbed, but apparently beloved leader, Captain Quark (Jim Ward), who put out a talent search for a new face to add to their team to help fight and defeat Drek.  Enter a young and orphaned lombax (think a bipedal bobcat and you get the idea) named Ratchet (James Arnold Taylor), a junk-shop mechanic’s assistant who’s a huge fan of the Galactic Rangers and dreams of making the cut and going on space-faring adventures with them, much to the dismay of his boss, Grimroth (John Goodman).  Meanwhile, Drek has learned of the intended plan of the Rangers and breaks Quark’s arch nemesis, Dr. Nefarious (Armin Shimerman), out of jail to intimidate them and build a robot army to stop them, but not before one of the rejected robots they make hears of Drek and Nefarious’s plans, escapes from the factory and crash lands on Ratchet’s planet.  Ratchet finds the robot, named Clank (David Kaye), and brings him along to try and join the Rangers which, because of Clank’s information, he’s able to, and the rest of the film follows Ratchet, Clank and the Rangers’ quest to stop Drek and Nefarious, as well as showing Quark’s jealously of Ratchet’s increasing popularity with his group and with the citizens following Ratchet and Clank’s successful rescue of the city from Drek’s initial robotic onslaught.

All the while, the movie has the same knowing and sly sense of humor as the video games, including the scene-setting text that skewers the self-important aura that usually comes with such displays and some of the smile-inducing PlayStation in-jokes, with references to other cartoony Sony game series like Sly Cooper and an audio cue that’s actually the boot-up jingle of the original PlayStation console.  Finally, after years of video game movies not capturing the spirit of their subjects, Ratchet & Clank is one of the few that actually does it, yet I hated this movie, felt totally miserable watching it and all those things I mentioned that worked so well in the games fail terribly in this film translation. Considering how accurate it sounds like it is, how did that happen?  I think it comes down to two things, both of which reflect my now shifted opinion that a video game movie being accurate alone is not enough to make it work.  First, like Zack Snyder’s 2009 film translation of the graphic novel, Watchmen, it’s too accurate for its own good, to the point where it’s so obsessed with being a great movie version of the original source material, that it, ironically, doesn’t realize that it’s lost touch with the meaning of what they’re adapting.  

Yeah, we have all the voice actors, characters, set-pieces, and narrative methods and beats of the Ratchet & Clank enterprise, but what of it?  I didn’t feel any connection to this world or its inhabitants, even with my previous knowledge and fandom of the games, the jokey asides quickly get aggravating and repetitive in a way that the games never did, there’s a surprisingly mean streak here with the smart and nerdy characters being constantly mocked and shamed (hey, filmmakers, this series and the video game world it belongs to is always viewed with those stereotypes, is kept going by people who'd be pigeonholed into that cultural box and were clearly your target audience here; how stupid can you be by attacking them?), and the movie makes a big miscalculation in its depiction of the two main characters.  In all of the games, Ratchet and Clank are inseparable from each other and the stories have both of them in the center of all the action and plot developments.  The film, however, almost completely sidelines Clank by focusing on Ratchet and his clichéd arc of the passionate and talented nerd who keeps pushing for respect and his dreams, even as he’s getting smacked down in life.  I don’t mind that the film starts with that approach, since it is consistent with developing Ratchet and Clank separately before bringing them together, just like the first game did, but I do mind that the movie tosses Clank aside after that, because the stuff without him isn’t interesting enough to make me forget it, what little development we do get of them together is poorly defined and lacks consistency (and even being a fan of the games like me doesn’t help that) and it ultimately squanders a great opportunity that the movie had to capture the main narrative strength from the games; the great chemistry and byplay between Ratchet and Clank.  That, and it’s false advertising; I paid money to see Ratchet AND Clank, people.

The second main element that makes it fail, I think, is the filmmakers’ lack of understanding of the differences between the medium of cinema and the medium of video games. After seeing many films based on a work from a non-movie source over my years, I’ve ultimately come to the conclusion that it’s impossible to compare the success of a film to the success of a video game or, for that matter, a book, a comic, a stage play, a written play or any other medium you care to choose, because they’re intrinsically different art forms.  What works in a video game may not easily translate to a film, just like the elements that make a movie work might not always be as effective in a game, because one is a passive medium and the other is an interactive one. Considering that director Kevin Munroe has worked in both mediums before, it’s surprising that he wasn’t able to imbue this film with the tricks he learned from his game experience or, for that matter, from his past movie experience. I kept thinking of his underrated 2007 film, TMNT, which kind of played like a fun mix of a movie and a game by giving us the characterizations that an animated film can bring, while also delivering some technically impressive looking and executed action scenes that we love having in a video game, which is best shown in that great courtyard fight scene that looked like something a game could have done, but adding cinematic flair to it, namely by impressively staging it to play out in a 5 minute long unbroken shot.  

Ratchet & Clank, by comparison, doesn’t blend the two well because, despite its great voice cast (including the game’s cast, as well as usually dependable talents like Paul Giamatti and Sylvester Stallone), they’re wasted, not funny and they don’t make the characters interesting to grab us like a movie should, while on the game side, the action is badly staged and dull, the CG animation is shockingly bland (and doesn’t even look as good as the decade old PlayStation 3 Ratchet & Clank game, Tools Of Destruction, let alone the most recent PlayStation 4 one) and despite its stabs at capturing the spirit of the enterprise, it still fails to make us embrace, enjoy and accept it on that level as a representation of the series.  The good news is that people mostly avoided this movie (though clearly, I didn’t) and it seems to have not had a negative effect on the game franchise, which is still the best way to get yourself acquainted with these great characters, especially since the cost of one of the old PS2 or PS3 games is likely cheaper than either the original ticket price for this or its now bargain-bin destined DVD/Blu-Ray.

10. The BFG

Wow, this was an awful year for live-action fantasy adaptations based on books because, out of all the ones I saw in 2016, not a single one was good.  The BFG, to be fair, is probably not as bad a movie in that category as the other two that I’ll be tearing apart in my 11-20 list, but the reason that this made the list over those is because its badness is more upsetting and unacceptable to me.  Let’s be honest here; when you scroll down and see the names of those other two similar films, I guarantee that, if you really think about the recent pedigree of their series and/or directors, the appearance of their lack of quality to me will not at all be surprising to you, regardless of whether you agree with me or not.  However, The BFG, even more than the also crushing Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them, is the book-to-movie fantasy this year that sounded like an obvious home run, given that it’s based on the famous Roald Dahl novel (which, for once, makes this a film based on a book where I’ve actually read the book), it was written by the late scribe of E.T., Melissa Mathieson, it’s shares the same director as E.T., Steven Spielberg and the title role was given to the great Mark Rylance, who deservedly won an Oscar last year for his role in Spielberg’s previous film, Bridge Of Spies (my 10th best movie of 2015).   In fact, this sounded so great to me that, of all the major movies that came out last summer, this is the one I was looking forward to the most, which made it all the more painful and rage-inducing that it ended up as an empty, dull, emotionally inert and off-putting style over substance mess that's as bad a movie from Spielberg since, ironically, the last film he opened on 4th Of July weekend, 2005’s War Of The Worlds.  

The movie opens just like the book does, with young orphan Sophie (Ruby Barnhill) suffering from insomnia and finding herself awake yet again at 3 am at the London orphanage she lives at.  She calls this time “the witching hour,” where she goes out to her balcony to look out and see if any monsters, like those she reads about in her books, happen to show up. One night, she hears a noise and, when she looks out, she sees a giant running around the streets and, when the giant spots her, he takes Sophie away and back to his home in Giant Country. Sophie, having read in books that giants tend to have a penchant for eating children, fears for her safety, especially when the giant tells her that she’ll need to live with him forever to prevent the secret of giants from being revealed to “human beans,” as he calls them, but the giant turns out to be friendly and not interested in eating her. Actually, the giant, who Sophie then starts to refer to as BFG, or the Big Friendly Giant (played by Mark Rylance) has the power of capturing and disseminating dreams, with a particular interest of providing good dreams to children, hence his frequent midnight runs around London.  That’s in direct contrast to a group of bigger and meaner giants, let by Fleshlumpeater (Jemaine Clement), who constantly harass the BFG and like nothing more than eating children, traits of which are intensified when they believe that the BFG is harboring a child.  As the BFG tries to protect Sophie, she suggests that he fights back against the bullies, resulting in a scheme to manipulate the dreams of the Queen of England to keep both of them safe, as well as protect other children as it relates to potential death by consumption at the hands of the giants.  

If you’re familiar with the book, like I am, you’ll be able to tell that this is actually a pretty faithful cinematic translation of the story, what with the setups, characters and lines of dialogue, particularly the made-up words (like snozzcumber and frobscottle) and the BFG’s different ideas of human terms and concepts.  Also, the film certainly looks beautiful and appropriately other-worldly, thanks to some pretty vivid art direction and use of color (most effective in the scene in the realm of dreams), seamless CG of the giants, good cinematography by Janusz Kiminski and a convincing sense of scale between Sophie, the BFG and the other giants.  Also, the lead performances by Rylance as the BFG and Barnhill as Sophie are expressive and did seem accurate to characters (though Barnhill is playing that stereotypical wide-eyed young "wise prior to her years" British girl trope a bit too heavily for me).  So, if I like the way this film looks, enjoy the lead characters and are saying that it accurately captures the book’s story and atmosphere in the film, why do I hate it? Well, because like Ratchet & Clank, this is one of those “they know the words, but not the music” situations, where I didn’t feel any heart, humanity or connection to the world and characters that I got out of the book, effectively nullifying any of this film’s positives and its surface accuracy to the original source material.  I say that the accuracy to the book is “surface” because, though it looks and seems to get everything right with its setup and technical elements, it fails to capture the underlying feelings related to them, specifically the bond between Sophie and the BFG.

It’s not that the movie rushes through or cuts down the scenes developing the relationship between the BFG and Sophie, because it doesn’t.  The characters (and by extension, the audience) do get the time needed to talk, get to know each other and establish themselves and their bond, unlike too many other family films, including book adaptations like this, which tend to overcompensate and show their lack of audience trust by just throwing endless frenzy at us.  Sounds perfect on paper, but in practice, I didn’t feel that their relationship was growing at all and I didn’t get a sense of the strange wonder and/or magic connected to this world.  Maybe it’s because the film’s structure is so repetitive, as it’s mostly just going from Sophie and the BFG talking, the mean giants causing trouble, Sophie and the BFG escaping, a fantasy scene to solve Sophie and the BFG’s current problems and back again until the end.  Some may wonder if I’m being hypocritical by criticizing this movie for the same story structure as the book while  trashing the former and praising the latter, but this goes back to my “movies are a different medium” argument, where what comes off effectively in one medium doesn’t automatically work in another, and vice versa.  This movie may be accurate to the book narratively speaking, but unlike the book, I am not feeling engrossed or touched by the film and, I’m sorry, that includes the usage of the made-up words which come off in the movie feeling like nothing but self-consciously precious shop-talk to cover up its failure to draw us into the world and its characters, its failure to tell this story in a way that doesn’t make me feel like it’s flimsy and repetitive and to elongate the movie’s length to 2 hours.  Speaking of the length, I think that may be the other issue here; the pacing is way too slow and draggy and, since I’m not feeling the bond between Sophie and the BFG and, thus, I’m not caring about them in the way I should be, that becomes a negative, even knowing that a more deliberate pace should fit this story.

I couldn’t believe how uninterested and uninvested I was in this movie and, about halfway through, I could almost feel my stomach sinking as the realization came over me that “this movie isn’t ever going to start clicking with me” and that my most anticipated film of the summer was crashing and burning in front of my eyes.  At this point, I started to mentally check out of this, as did the restless, talkative and, in one case, iPad using kids at my screening (suggesting that even kids might not like this, while also suggesting they’re incapable of common audience courtesy at the movies), but it was as the film entered its third act that it went beyond a massive personal disappointment into a never-ending time-waster that I actively resented in a soon rapidly growing fashion. I suggested earlier that the film wastes our time with the book’s fake words that it should have been able to use for character and world-building, but it really does that later on when the plot literally stops for that awful scene when Sophie and the BFG have breakfast at the palace.  This is a 10-minute scene where literally nothing plot-related happens, despite the previous scene having them cement their plan to fight back against the giants, and the forced whimsy, overproduced production design and the self-consciously twee dialogue on display here drove me insane.  And what’s the big payoff of that scene?  A massive, pathetic and unfunny fart joke.  Which reminds me, this film has a litany of scatological and crude humor that I don’t remember from the book (or remember being a turn-off), which is just unpleasant, ugly and desperate, including the other fart jokes induced by the BFG’s beloved frobscottle fizzy drink and the hits to the crotch that the mean giants take (hmm, maybe this movie doesn’t respect the intelligence of the audience after all).  

Also, the evil giants themselves have nothing interesting going for them, except how repulsive they are, the only reason I care about the BFG and Sophie defeating them is so they’ll go away and also, regarding that plan they have to stop the giants, it actually exudes a pretty unintentionally awful moral to the story.  Without giving too much away, the movie is telling us to follow our dreams at any cost, but when you think about how Sophie and the BFG use dreams to gain the assistance of the Queen to help them with the giants, it’s telling us that we should never give up on our dreams, even when they’re rooted in violence, ignorance and delusion as they end up being, a message that, considering the kind of world we’re living in now, isn’t something that anyone should be condoning, especially like this. So yeah, The BFG is a pretty awful movie coming from people who really should have known better and, after being so horribly crushed by this, it’s enough to make me more careful about anticipating films that seem, on the surface, to be a sure thing, as well as justification to write the following on the epitaph of the awful summer movie season that this came out during; "At least we got Finding Dory and Pete’s Dragon."

Now, for the 11-20 worst films of the year, listed in alphabetical order:

 The Accountant

If you go by the review scores I gave to the films in this worst of essay, this crime thriller/drama from Miracle and Warrior director Gavin O'Connor about a world-wandering autistic Illinois accountant with a secret penchant for armed and unarmed combat, espionage and finding himself involved in corruption and murder plots is the one I liked most, given that I gave it 2 stars out of 4 (the other 19 films scored less).  However, I also said that “I’m being a bit nice with that score” when I reviewed it, due to how impenetrable, uninteresting and empty it is and also, because of its quite ugly elements, especially its two-faced and ultimately hateful attitude towards people with autism.  After thinking about The Accountant a little more and also, seeing how its offensive outlook at people with mental disabilities fits a pervasive and hateful pattern in modern films, I realize I was definitely being too kind to it and I can feel myself resenting it one more and more with each passing day, so it’s now on my bottom 11-20 list.  

The movie stars Ben Affleck (who really had a horrible 2016 at the movies between this, Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad and, apparently, his own Live By Night) as Christian Wolff, an autistic accountant who’s brought in by John Lithgow’s Lamar Black to find the source of a multi-million-dollar leak in his robotics company’s bottom line, which was noticed by the company’s in-house account, Dana Cummings, played by Anna Kendrick.  Meanwhile, because of Christian’s double-life between his local financial consulting and shady dealings with foreign criminals, he’s starting to be noticed by Treasury Department financial director, J.D King (J.K. Simmons), who wants more information about who Christian is and blackmails young analyst Marybeth (Cynthia Addai-Robinson) to help him.  After figuring out where the leak is in record time, Christian is stopped by Lamar after the CFO of the robotics company mysteriously dies,  but he was actually murdered by an assassin for knowing too much about their complex embezzlement/conspiracy plot against the company and soon enough, Christian and Dana’s lives are also threatened but, because Christian is such a capable fighter, they’re able to survive while Christian heads off to stop the people behind the scheme, all while J.D and Marybeth are closing in on him and while Christian takes his cues from the voice of a mysterious woman.  

OK, first off, this story is way too jagged and throws so much information at the audience that we end up scratching our heads, but less in the “hmm, I wonder where this is going to go and I’m intrigued to see where it ends up” way than in the “I’m lost and I just don’t care anymore” way.  Eventually, the movie also gives up on itself when J.D and Marybeth reach Christian’s now abandoned house, resulting in a scene where the story literally stops for 15 minutes as we sit there and watch J.D. explain everything to us that the movie should have been making clear to us before that point.  From there, the film pushes towards its contrived, ridiculous and insulting ending and bombards us with choppy, uninteresting and, especially in the scenes set at night, incomprehensible action scenes that sickeningly relish in the suffering of the innocent victims and, at times, have the nerve to try and make that cruelty funny (the scene with the CFO and a local farming owning couple are particularly galling), all while showing us how Christian deals with the happenings around him and how his autism comes into play.  

That latter point is where this movie really offended me because I myself have a form of autism and, though I understand the idea of giving a deeper psychological angle to the characters on paper, in practice, the autism material is full of logical holes and adds nothing but an excuse to stereotype Christian and, by extension, all autistic people as obsessives with a potential fighter/killer in them who are sometimes really funny with their inability to understand every social cue that so-called normal people claim to be able to pick up on instantly. Considering all the modern-day finger-waving we get from bleeding hearts (including many people in this cast and crew) about how we need to show respect to everyone who’s different, it’s disgustingly hypocritical that this film is taking that approach regarding Christian (as is the late-film moralizing about it and the reference to autism experts in the credits, who are either 1988 mentality quacks or, more likely, had their input ignored by the filmmakers) and, even worse, the film blows its obvious openings to actually do something dramatically interesting with autism in the context of the story.  For example, when Christian and Dana first meet, she’s really nervous, has her own repetitive patterns and is constantly stuttering, which had me thinking “Great! She’s showing signs of less severe autism, which should add a unique dimension to their involvement in and bond during the conspiracy plot!”  But no; she’s not autistic and, after the scene in the hotel, she totally disappears and their relationship ends up going nowhere and adding nothing.  The acting and pacing are OK, I guess, but I don’t care about anything or anyone here and it’s offensive, so don’t waste your time.

 Alice Through The Looking Glass

I didn’t see the 2010 live-action Alice In Wonderland film directed by Tim Burton, but it was apparently a tepidly reviewed box-office smash that eventually triggered a massive internet-fueled backlash against it.  As such, we got its probably not so anticipated sequel, Alice Through The Looking Glass, this year, which Tim Burton skipped out on directing (he was busy making his own junky 2016 film that you may also soon be hearing about from me) and, as my introduction to this interpretation of Lewis Carroll’s stories about the girl who fell down the rabbit hole into a magical world without logic or consistency, it makes me even more glad that I missed the original, because this follow-up is a totally uninteresting, empty, soulless and pathetic excuse for a family fantasy movie.  Apparently, audiences agreed, because this was a massive box office bomb and also, apparently, Disney themselves knew they had a disaster on their hands, as you can see signs all over this that even they didn’t have faith in it being worthwhile.

Don’t believe me on that last sentence? Well, in theaters, before the film began, we got the bewildering music video of Hearts On Fire by P!nk (a talented musician who has also shown great acting potential in the underrated Thanks For Sharing, but she's served poorly on both fronts here) that’s themed after the very movie that we’re about to see and even contains many of its big plot revelations.  I get and like the idea of short subjects before Disney family movies, but music videos that spoil parts of the movie we paid for?  Anyway, when the actual movie begins, we see Alice Kingsleigh (Mia Wasikowska) back in the real world as the captain of her father’s ship, The Wonder (that she’s able to be in a position of power like that in 19th century London is more of a fantasy than the Wonderland material, but never mind). When Alice returns to her home in London, she finds out that her father’s company and, by extension, the house of both her and her mother, was bought out by Hamish Ascot (Leo Bill), a man still bitter over Alice apparently refusing to marry him, but who agrees to give the deed to the house back if Alice turns over the ship to him.  Alice refuses and, when she retreats to a room, she sees an old friend in Absolem the caterpillar, who’s now a butterfly (he’s voiced by the late Alan Rickman) and decides to follow him back to Wonderland.  When Alice returns, she sees her other old friends, including Mirana (Anne Hathaway) and the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry), but quite tellingly, the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp) is not among them.  She’s told that the Hatter is in a deep depression and, when Alice visits him, he tells her that he’s come to think that his family somehow survived the attack on them by the Jabberwocky and begs Alice to help find them.  To do this, Alice is told that she’ll need to travel through time, much to the chagrin of, well, Time (Sasha Baron Cohen), who controls it via his Chronosphere and who has a new girlfriend in the form of Alice’s old enemy, The Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter).  Alice steals it and travels back to find and save the Hatter’s parents, all while Time is trying to stop her from ruining the space-time continuum and while The Red Queen sees the opportunity to use the Chronosphere herself to become the legitimate queen she’s always dreamt of being and to reverse a childhood battle over tarts with her sister, Mirana, that’s about as pathetic a misunderstanding/third act conflict resolution element in a major release since that infamous “Martha” business in Batman V Superman.

Despite everything potentially interesting going on in this plot and its fantasy world setting of Wonderland, this movie is dead in the water the entire time and has nothing interesting on either a visual or narrative level to make us care about anything that happens.  Regarding the film’s look, despite some decent use of color and special effects, there’s a lifeless quality to it all that keeps you at a distance from this supposedly magical setting, to the point where all I came away with was how much money was tossed at this production design that, at the end of the day, means nothing (that, and the film is too dark in many places, and I saw it in 2D; I’ll bet the 3D version was even worse on that front).  In addition, the action scenes are dull (though at least they’re shot coherently enough) and the direction by James Bobin is flat and indistinguishable from any other pedestrianly directed live-action fantasy film. The film is even worse regarding its story and characters, starting with its time-travel elements that, like most movies about that, is just ridiculous, even as a fantasy, and is littered with stupid and unfunny time puns, as well as gaping loose ends and inconsistencies. I’ve had some people who actually liked this picture argue that "there's no reason for consistency in a Lewis Carroll adaptation” and, to their credit, their more recent familiarity with the book than me and claims that it’s an accurate translation of what’s often considered a daunting book-to-film subject is a valid point.  

Even so, of what I remember from the Alice books, they still had their own twisted logic behind them that they dutifully followed to set up the stakes of the story and its characters and had us invested in the eventual outcome, while also making the heavy narrative lifting they asked of us feel worthy of that commitment.  This movie asks us to just accept this lunacy at face value and shield itself in a lazy “come on, it’s Alice In Wonderland; nothing here has to make sense!” defense, even though the jokes aren’t funny, the plot is boring and has no respect for our intelligence, the film’s message of only being able to learn from the past and not change it is completely contradicted by the fact that they then change the past anyway with no effects on the future, the characters aren’t intriguing or likable and the performances are either just passable (Mia Wasikowska as Alice, but between this and last year’s Crimson Peak, she really needs a new agent) or just aggressively shrill, mugging and embarrassing (in particular, so-called “fantasy film maestros” Sasha Baron Cohen, Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway and especially Helena Bonham Carter are so terrible here that even the no-name kid actors playing them as youths are acting better than them). The only positives are a late scene that gave me unintended joy over the possibility that all hope was lost for the forces of good (but I wasn’t supposed to feel that way and it’s soon nullified anyway) and the fact that this tanked massively enough to prevent a third Alice film, but they’re not enough to redeem this empty mess.  Then again, I guess it does continue an annual pattern with Disney releasing live-action family film bombs on Memorial Day weekend after last year’s Tomorrowland, but even that massive misfire was infinitely better that this.

 Captain America: Civil War

I really let DC Comics’ film division have it this year, given that I put both their Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad on my 10 worst list, but to all you comic fans gloating that Marvel Studios did better than DC did in 2016, you may want to get off your high horse, because they honestly didn’t do much better themselves.  I’ll admit that Doctor Strange was decent enough, despite its refusal to commit to anything, but Marvel also had their own equivalent to Batman V Superman this year in Captain America: Civil War, the third film in their series about the patriotic plucked-from-the-1940s superhero and, as someone who loved the first two movies about Cap/Steve Rogers and his adventures in both the past and present, this was a dull, bloated, cynical and crushing misfire that robs this series of its defining attributes and characters and reveals its true colors as a shameless cog in both this now going too far Marvel Cinematic Universe business and, ultimately, the Disney/Marvel fanboy/fangirl money making machine.  

You may think I’m being out of line by even mentioning Batman V Superman in the same sentence as this, but the narrative parallels here are obvious and undeniable.  After Captain America (Chris Evans) and his new band of Avengers end up causing unintended collateral damage and death as they fight against group of villains, there’s a push by the world governments and Tony Stark/Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) against it that leads to a 2 ½ hour ethical debate about superhero morality/vigilantism in which Cap thinks that the world wants and needs superheroes’ help and are prepared for the unintended consequences and in which Stark argues the opposite viewpoint. This ultimately leads to a group of many Marvel Comics characters coming together and battling it out both intellectually and physically, including not just Iron Man and Cap, but also other figures with future individual movies being made about them, including Black Panther and Spider-Man and, in the third act, the big battle between Iron Man and Cap is tied to the mother of one of them.

Seriously, how is that not the exact same movie as Batman V Superman? Well, to be fair, this is better than Zack Snyder’s film, as it lacks that one’s hateful and misogynistic rancor, there are a few scenes that are decent and, though it does nothing to make me hate the narrative needlessness of them or the shameless plugging of their future movies, the introductions to the new characters, particularly Spider-Man, are interesting and kind of fun, unlike the literal walk-ons of the ones in Batman V Superman.  On the other hand, at least that movie was up front about the idea that it was going to simultaneously be a Batman film and a Superman film (even as it did it badly); Civil War, on the other hand, is selling itself as a Captain America movie, but it’s mostly sidelining Cap, his story and the ancillary faces related directly to his series in favor of giving more attention to Tony Stark (whose character in this film, unlike the others with him in it, is so one-note in his righteousness that I kind of hated him), as well as cramming in all of the hasty character introductions, sideplots and the future films it’s shamelessly trying to set up.  Honestly, this feels more like a bad Avengers sequel that lacks focus and has no concern for anyone in the audience who hasn’t seen every single Marvel Studios movie (and I’ve seen most of them, aside from the last two Iron Man films, and I still felt lost by some of the stuff here), which not only alienates newcomers, but also people like me who paid money to see a Captain America movie with him and his exploits as the primary focus.  

Even if I were able to look past all of that, the film still wouldn’t be interesting or entertaining, because the story is all over the map, the changes in the characters' motivations are completely random, the villain, like most Marvel films, sadly, is forgettable and has a pathetic scheme that’s made even more pathetic by the idiotic reasons for it and the unearned stabs at empathy, the attempts at humor fall flat and, most shocking and unacceptable of all, the action scenes are atrocious.  Seriously, this film shares the same directors and crew as the last Captain America film, The Winter Soldier, which had some of the most tense, well-shot, well-constructed, exciting and exquisite action scenes of any major studio release in the past few years, comic book film or otherwise, so why do the ones in this movie fall into all of the traps that the previous film avoided, particularly its endless and headache-inducing quick cuts and those laughably bad and sped-up special effects?  Also, despite my pacing problems with Winter Soldier, at least that one only dipped in the last 30 minutes; this one’s dull throughout and it runs even longer.  I don’t know what happened with this one and I was really surprised at just how much I disliked it, but even so, because it seems that few people are willing to say that “the emperor has no clothes” with these Marvel Studios films, this still made tons of money and was loved by comic fans. Good for them, but for me, this is exactly the kind of cynical comic Marvel movie product that Deadpool so effectively lampooned, and it’s damaged (hopefully just temporarily) probably my favorite Marvel film series.

 The Edge Of Seventeen

Have you ever wanted a John Hughes style coming-of-age teenage comedy/drama for the snowflake culture (of which we’ve seen and heard from a lot of over the past few years, let alone the past few months) that pretends to be an honest, darkly funny and intriguingly authentic look at teenage life, but is actually completely ignorant and fraudulent of basic human nature and psychology related to teenagers, while also failing to be investing, funny or credible in any way?  I haven’t, but that’s what we got out of The Edge Of Seventeen, a film that a lot of critics liked, as they’ve argued that it’s a great progressive and feminist genre-twist and authentic look at young female life/growth that many teenagers, especially young girls, will be able to easily relate to.  Well, as someone with a concept of mental illness, words this movie religiously refuses to ever let cross its lips, I say that this doesn’t know what it’s talking about and it’s also a long, predictable, painfully mannered, inauthentic and regressive effort, especially in comparison to an infinitely better, similar and deeply underappreciated animated film from last year ironically led by the same actress that plays the protagonist here (more on that later).

The film is about Nadine Franklin, played by Haile Steinfeld who, as the movie opens, we see entering the office of her Mr. Bruner (Woody Harrelson) and telling him that she’s going to kill herself.  We then go back in time to see how Nadine got to the point, starting with her childhood where she was never as popular as her brother, Darian (Blake Jenner), was often picked on by the kids at school and seemed distant from her mother, Mona (Kyra Sedgwick). However, she still had her father, Tom (Eric Keenleyside) and her then new best friend, Krista (Haley Lu Richardson) to keep her happy.  As Nadine grows up, Tom dies of a heart attack to the tune of Billy Joel’s You May Be Right (because apparently, we didn’t have enough heart attack deaths set to Billy Joel in the movies after The Hangover Part 3 did the same thing using My Life), which devastates her and her family and now, at the age of 17, Nadine finds out that Krista is in love with Darian and that they’ve slept together, which sends her over the edge.  In response, Nadine refuses to talk to Krista, is angry, defiant and mean against basically everyone close to her and begins to get the hots for Nick Mossman (Alexander Calvert), a boy who recently got out of reform school for his bad behavior.  Meanwhile, Nadine starts a tentative bond with the awkward, but still kind boy, Erwin Kim (Hayden Szeto), while Mr. Bruner tends to be on the receiving end of Nadine’s sass, which he often takes and then, dishes back out at her tenfold.  We also get a subplot about Mona trying to date again, along with the stories of Krista and Darian, the former wanting to make up with Nadine, the latter basically holding the entire family together, especially with Nadine being how she is now, and both trying to balance their healthy and loving relationship with their bonds to Nadine.

The film wants you to believe that this story is about a teenage girl struggling through hard situations that are exacerbated by being a moody 17-year-old, but that’s a lie.  In reality, it’s actually about a hateful, smug and selfish girl (even by teenager standards and even with her baggage) with clear psychological problems that the movie bends over backwards to avoid honestly dealing with.  This movie is set in 2016, a time when increasingly destructive, self-loathing and hateful behavior from teenagers like Nadine, which includes her mean-spirited and delusional putdowns towards most everyone, the threats she makes towards others and herself (including her claim that she’ll kill herself) and her push for a sexual tryst with Nick, are no longer viewed as just “part of being a teenager,” but as a sign of serious mental health issues. On the home front, Mona’s lack of help with Nadine and, for that matter, Darian, isn’t believable or emphasizing enough that she’s not mentally capable to help her daughter (perhaps because her husband suddenly died, but they fought a lot anyway and she’s pretty quick to try and become sexually involved with a man who turns out to be married, so I don’t feel it) and, at school, the lack of Mr. Bruner calling up a guidance counselor or even Mona after a barrage of troubling comments by Nadine is totally false (in 2016, a public school that, in a post-Columbine world, is likely trained to spot the signs of psychological issues, would not just ignore Nadine’s obvious issues).

How this so-called realistic look at modern teenage angst thought it was OK to try and bury the clear evidence that its lead is psychologically disturbed is beyond me, as is the fact that it’s justifying and glorifying Nadine’s behavior every step of the way without holding her accountable for what she does.  It would be one thing if this film had at least introduced the possibility of mental illness (outside of a token line about her taking anti-depressants and the ending that sweeps even a hint of emotional honesty about Nadine’s mindset under the rug completely), because when mental issues are involved in relation to bad behavior, there has to be a balance between what can be said for the person to have be held responsible for doing and when the illness is talking.  But even then, we’d still need to have a rooting interest in Nadine and believable development of her to make her earn my sympathy and understand for her struggles, which we do not get.  I’m sorry, but as portrayed here in Steinfeld’s pushy performance and with this ignorant and self-conscious script, she’s an unctuous, unpleasant, unfunny (just like the film, by the way) and selfish person who brings everyone around her down to her level of depression and self-hatred if she doesn’t get what she wants and someone who I sided against every time a character in the movie correctly tells her something along the lines of “you’re wrong; get over it.”

Flat out, this movie doesn’t play fair with its lead character and the obvious realities about her and the real-world she’s living in, which sinks the entire thing, despite a few positives in the few scenes between Nadine and Erwin, as well as the lack of high school teenage movie clichés, particularly from Blake Jenner, quite good in the surprisingly not stereotypically jockish sports star role of Darian.  Writer/director Kelly Fremon Craig publicly said this film is intended as a John Hughes tribute with a more modern spin on it, which only proves how phony, ugly and both comedically and dramatically deficient this film is, as Hughes often looked deeply at the psychological angles of his young characters, while contrasting the different worldviews of youths and adults and showing how they can meet in the middle (Jennifer Grey’s similar character in Ferris Buller’s Day Off comes to mind).  Also, going back to that animated film I mentioned that’s a lot like this, perhaps Craig should have paid attention to Hiromasa Yonebayashi's When Marine Was There, which was also about a mentally troubled and depressed teen girl with family tragedies and had Hallie Steinfeld voicing the lead and giving a better and more believable performance, and you should see that one over this overrated and insulting junk.

 Hail, Caesar

The 1950s Hollywood golden age throwback movie is a sub-genre that’s really been languishing in a sorry state over the past year with such pathetic recent excuses for reliving that era such as Trumbo, Café Society and… well, another film I’ll be roasting at the end of this 11-20 list.  Sadly, the usually reliable and interesting Coen brothers, Joel and Ethan, only kept that trend going this year with their contribution, Hail, Caesar, a movie that was generally well-liked, but to me, was a really dull, empty, inexplicable and, honestly, kind of masturbatory exercise in Hollywood style and star power that I kept hoping would get me invested or click with me regarding its meaning and purpose, but it never did.  

The movie is a heavily fictionalized look at 1950s Hollywood studio fixer Eddie Mannix (Josh Brolin), who works in this film for Capitol Pictures, a studio all about uplifting and high-class cinematic entertainment.  Two of the biggest films being currently filmed on the lot are Hail, Caesar, a biblical epic similar to Ben Hur and starring the studio’s biggest contract star, Baird Whitlock (George Clooney), and Merrily We Dance, a Broadway play translation starring and marking a stylistic change for Western star Hobie Doyle (Alden Ehrenreich), much to the chagrin of its director, Laurence Laurentz (Ralph Fiennes).  Both films run into troubles, the latter due to problems with Hobie’s performance and the former because Baird has been kidnapped by a group of former screenwriters turned communists called The Future, who attempt to recruit Baird to help them and later, send a ransom demand to Eddie.  Elsewhere, DeeAnna Moran (Scarlett Johansson) is revealed to be pregnant out of wedlock, threatening the image of the studio and two twin columnists, Thora Thacker and Thessaly Thacker (both played by Tilda Swinton), come calling to Eddie for different reasons, all of which add the multitude of situations that Eddie needs to handle, while also dealing with his own issues with his home life and his sense of personal failings that sends him to confession at his Catholic church to a degree that even the priest says is far too often.  In between, we also get some side-stories (if some of them even qualify for “stories”) with Burt Gurney (Channing Tatum), an actor in a musical about romance-seeking sailors on a brief shore leave, C.C. Calhoun (Frances McDormand), the editor of Merrily We Dance, Arne Seslum (Christopher Lambert), the director with a connection to DeeAnna, Carlotta Valdez (Veronica Osorio), an actress that Hobie is set up with to manipulate his image and Joe Silverman (Jonah Hill), a notary worker who works on the side to help Eddie fix his specific problems.

There’s a lot going on in this movie and, if I had to guess, I think this is intended to be similar to Robert Altman’s 1992 masterpiece, The Player, which was also a comedy/satire about the assorted happenings at a Hollywood studio with one major character surrounding a group of sideline vignettes and other characters.  To be honest, though, I’m not sure if I’m reading the point of this film correctly, but even if I am, it’s nowhere near as interesting or funny as The Player was and I found it so boring that I found myself having to fight really hard to stay awake while watching it, and I was totally awake when it began. Also, though I understand that there’s the overarching plot following Eddie, I didn’t feel that he was connected nearly enough to everything and I felt as if the movie was just bouncing from one scene and/or movie set to another without much cohesion and without enough intriguing narrative material, social commentary or entertainment value to make me feel like anything important was happening.  It’s kind of surprising that I felt that way, given how many massive talents make up the case of this film, but with the exception of newcomer Alden Ehrenreich as the Gene Autry-esque Hobie, I thought all the other actors were either wasted (people like Jonah Hill and Frances McDormand only get one scene), just merely OK (Clooney and even Brolin) or mannered to the point of extreme irritation (I’m thinking of Ralph Fiennes, in particular, as Laurentz, whose line reciting scene with Hobie is aggravatingly repetitive and may forever have me recoil if I ever hear the phrase "would that it were so simple" again in my life).

Having said that, the production design of this film is pretty impressive, as it gives a great sense of time and place to 1951 Hollywood, with great replication of the aura of movie studios of the time and the related camera angles, visual filters, film set accouterments.  Also, I do like the idea of seeing the creative process behind Hollywood studio film genres that were popular at the time, including expensive epics, westerns, musicals and fantasies with Busby Berkeley-style choreographed women in and out of water, and there are a couple of pretty funny scenes that pointed towards a better film, particularly the premiere of Lazy Ol’ Moon, a Western comedy about a drunken cowboy having slapstick accidents and blaming all his troubles in life on the full moon on display at night and an early scene when Eddie meets with a rabbi, a Protestant rector, a Catholic priest, and an Eastern Orthodox minister about the depiction of Jesus Christ in Hail, Caesar (the film within the film, of course), with the hopes to earn widespread religious support for the movie while balancing between all four religions’ different views of Jesus.  Outside of those scenes, though, the rest of the movie drags, even at just over 100 minutes and there’s not enough punchiness to the script and the performers to make enough of the scenes work even nearly as well as those two highlights. Not to mention, as I said, I feel as if this is a film that everyone but me seems to understand the point of, and it’s not interesting enough to be entertained as I try to figure it out or to make me intrigued enough so that I even want to understand it, which is something that the Coens often do quite well, especially in the case of their great Inside Llewyn Davis (a film that, honestly, you can apply some of the same criticisms towards that I’m making on this one, but they fit that film’s narrative and characters much better so that it wasn’t a problem to me there).  Maybe if this film went all the way at trying to be a style throwback (ala The Artist), was a series of unrelated vignettes (like Paris, Je T'aime, a collection of short subjects that the Coens contributed to) or just tinkered the script and direction to better emphasize its surrounding elements and players in relation to Eddie, I would have liked it more and gotten into it, but as it is, it’s probably the weakest film of the Coens so far (even more than The Ladykillers remake to me) and a waste of time, talent and money in my eyes.

 Hello, My Name Is Doris

Every year, we get one or two low-budget independent comedy/drama hybrids that are led by an older and legendary actress and, in the worse cases of them, they seem like they’re specifically designed to attract older and/or less discerning viewers who wish they'd see said elder actress in more modern movies under the notion of “hey, I love ”insert famous actress’s name here” and I’ve missed not seeing her in anything recently, so this is certainly going to be great and I can’t possibly miss it!”  Reading that, you may think I’m making an awfully mean and elitist statement that’s suggesting that I think such audience members are stupid and can’t discern the quality of a movie when it has a performer in it that they love, but in actuality, I’m saying that the movie thinks that, as does its creators and especially big Hollywood studios who pick up junky films like Hello, My Name Is Doris from a small film festivals (in this case, South By Southwest) and then, put it out for its target demographic to be suckered into seeing without showing any respect for their taste or intelligence (not to mention giving Hollywood an excuse to pretend that they're not disgustingly ageist regarding older actresses, even though they totally are).  

Then again, I was also suckered in by this, because I love Sally Field and, after seeing her be the best part of the awful The Amazing Spider-Man 2, I was open to having her lead a new film, but not a tone-deaf, tonally schizophrenic, noncritical and insulting one like this.  Field stars as Doris, a 60-something Staten Island data entry worker with a hoarding problem and a recently dead mother that she looked after for years.  On her return to work after her mother’s death, she meets the company’s new and personable art director, John (played by New Girl’s Max Greenfield), who she becomes quickly smitten with and, after combination of an “I’m possible” mantra of a motivational speaker (Peter Gallagher) and some assistance from her lifelong friend, Roz (Tyne Daly) and Roz’s technologically savvy granddaughter, Doris tries to go after him romantically, despite her age.  Meanwhile, Doris’s brother is getting on her case for her hoarding and insistence to continue living in their mother’s house and, despite gaining more social acceptance than she expected in her pursuit of John, there are details about him that complicate things.  

What I can say in favor of this movie is that Sally Field is doing what she can in the lead role and, for a few scenes, the film is approaching its intended mix of authentic human interaction and semi-broad comedy, particularly from the byplay between Doris and Roz (where Field and Tyne Daly are quite good and have believable chemistry as these lifelong friends) and Doris and the granddaughter and also, in a few scenes that acknowledge and attempt to subvert some of the tropes of stories like this.  Too bad, then, that the script by Michael Showalter (who also directed this) is mostly free of laughs and insight while being mostly full of ugly condescension and hypocrisy, particularly regarding Doris.  Even though she’s supposed to the character we’re intended to feel for, the movie is mostly making fun of her, as it broadly draws her as a pitiable quiet and shy reclusive cat lady who can't let go emotionally or physically and makes her the butt of an endless parade of cheap and mean-spirited jokes about her age and personality... that is, until the inevitable and totally dishonest scene where she cries and opens herself up about her feelings about everything up to that point.  

This movie really wants to have it both ways about every part of it, to the point where, even with that poorly prepared for and preachy third-act pathos, not only do we not buy it on its own (especially since the film totally glosses over the guts of her related psychological issues and hoarding), but we also don’t feel for Doris because, as much as the movie seems to have it out for her, she herself commits a pretty unconscionable and unforgivable action against someone that destroys our sympathy for her (also, it’s completely unrealistic regarding its connection to Facebook, as that plot point is not how Facebook works). Even worse, the movie refuses to call Doris out on it and, without giving too much away, justifies it by abruptly changing into a feminist lecture by painting John as “an emotionally limited little boy,” which he admittingly is, but not for the reason the film is arguing.  Furthermore, there aren’t a whole lot of laughs here, the scenes with her becoming an unexpected fashion/music inspiration are pushy and needlessly vulgar in ways that don’t match the rest of the film and, by the movie’s unwillingness to commit to its more serious subjects in favor of quickly and unrealistically wrapping everything up to have a semi-happy ending, it’s really betraying and spitting in the face of its premise and its target audience, which deserve better than this.  The film, to be fair, isn’t total junk, but I think that’s worse here, since it had the chance to be something special and also, given how angry its rank cynicism made me (and still does as I now think back on it).  

 Independence Day: Resurgence

Remember Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day?  Well, if you don’t, it was a big-budget 1996 alien invasion/B science fiction movie that, for its time, was a gusty, unique and memorable exercise that, despite its higher focus on spectacle and mass destruction special effects than plot and character development, had a tangible energy, forward momentum and sense of urgency that still makes it a fun watch, along with giving us just enough investment in its appealing cast of characters to keep us involved.  Also, if you don’t remember that movie, rest assured that its debatably “long-awaited” sequel, Independence Day: Resurgence, will be reminding you of that 20-year-old hit every 3 or so minutes, to the point where you’ll wish you could smack the movie and tell it to shut up already.  Sadly, that obsession with the original film epitomizes everything that’s wrong with this rehashed and pathetic nostalgia-milking sequel, which is content with just hitting all the bulletpoints of its predecessor, but without adding anything new or doing anything old well, making it a waste of time and money that’s even more inexcusable in a summer that also gave us a great decade plus sequel in Finding Dory, which, unlike this, captured the qualities of its preceding film, while also expanding upon and even improving it.  

The plot takes place 20 years after the original movie and has the aliens that ravaged Earth coming back to unleash a massive superweapon.  For some reason, now ex-President Whitmore (Bill Pullman) knew they were coming back, but everyone else didn’t, so most of the characters look to him for assistance here, including many returning characters from the original like David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum), David’s father, Julius (Judd Hirsch), General Gray (the late Robert Loggia) and Dr. Brakish Okun (Brent Spiner). Will Smith’s Steve Hiller is dead now (because he signed onto Suicide Squad instead, and we all know how good a decision that turned out to be), but his wife Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox) is still around and now, their son Dylan (Jessie T. Usher) is grown up and is fighting against the aliens alongside President Whitmore’s now grown daughter, Patricia (Maika Monroe) and her fiancé, Jake (Liam Hemsworth).

So, it’s basically the same film as it was 20 years ago, but now, we get a “where are they now” perspective on some of the characters along with it and, to be fair, I do like that most of the cast is back (aside from Smith and, for that matter, Ross Bagley and Mae Whitman, who played Dylan and Patricia in the original, respectively; would it really have been that hard to get them back, too?), but they all just seem tired and uninteresting this time around, and their delivery of the plot exposition and the lighter moments are forced, awkward, desperate and lack the knowing verve that served the first one well (same goes for the new characters, who are mostly just a grab bag of dull stereotypes).  Also, the story lacks the urgency of the first film and stretches itself out too much with its incoherent subplots which, unlike the original, makes the lack of development of the aliens here impossible to ignore or forgive.

You might be thinking, “OK, the plot and characters aren’t great, but the action and destruction will pick up the slack, right?”  Wrong.  Although we do see places like Paris, China and London get annihilated, it lacks the weight, investment in the characters and the surprise that made similar scenes work so well in the original (like the “what about Boomer?” moment here, which was way better in 1996) and, though the special effects for them look OK, they’re all boring and feel like they’re trying to make lighting strike twice which, ironically, only reminds how better they were before and makes them even worse here.   I guess if you loved Independence Day and need to have more of it, this won’t hurt you too much, but that’s far from a ringing endorsement and honestly, why did we need this movie? Was it just to make a quick buck off of our nostalgia and so Emmerich could try and make us forget he made Stonewall? Based on the results, it seems like it, but thankfully, this tanked at the box office so, despite its insultingly presumptuous sequel-baiting, chances are good we won’t see an Independence Day 3 in 2036… or ever.  

 Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children

Tim Burton dodged a bullet by not directing Alice Through The Looking Glass, but that was nullified by him diving directly into the path of another bullet with the movie he did direct this year; Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children. Let’s face facts, people; Burton may have undeniable style and talent and he may have made great films like Batman, Ed Wood and his last masterpiece, the nearly decade-old Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street, but he’s one of the most inconsistent filmmakers who still has a fandom (and, as Dark Shadows and Alice In Wonderland proved, that goodwill is clearly starting to run out) and, as great as his career highlights are, his increasing number of lowlights are often a special form of painful and inexplicable junk that are bad enough to nearly obscure his past successes.  Of the films I’ve seen of Burton’s, I’d be hard-pressed to think of one worse than this ugly, endless, empty, pathetic and incomprehensible disaster that’s both the most obvious sign that Burton’s hit rock bottom and the most unpleasant supposed family-fantasy film since last year’s disastrous Pan.

The movie is based on the Ransom Riggs novel about a Florida teenager named Jake (Asa Butterfield), an isolated recluse whose only true friend seems to be his grandfather Abe (Terrance Stamp), a World War II veteran who told him stories as a youth about a home in Wales for children with unique and societally peculiar traits.  Jake’s father, Franklin (Chris O’Dowd), didn’t like Abe that much doesn’t believe his stories, but Jake kind of does and is more convinced when Abe has his eyes ripped out and is killed by a white-eyed man named Barron (Samuel L. Jackson) that Abe claimed was going to eventually threaten the lives of the children at the home, as well as their shapeshifting and omniscient caretaker, Miss Peregrine (Eva Green).  After being given Abe’s old journal that specifies where Miss Peregrine and the house are located, Jake wants to go to Wales to find it, which his parents reluctantly agree to when Jake’s therapist suggests it could help his mental state after his grandfather’s death.  Franklin accompanies Jake, seeing it as a good opportunity to ditch his grieving son and do some birdwatching for himself (that’s grade A parenting right there), while Jake, against all odds, finds the house and meets both Peregrine and the strange children there, a girl who can control fire, a boy whose body is basically an active beehive, a boy with the power of invisibility, a girl with a carnivorous mouth on the back of her head and, most notably, Emma (Ella Purnell), an air-bender light enough to float away if she doesn’t wear mental boots who remembers Abe and who is drawn to his young grandson.  Jake soon finds out that the house and its inhabitants live in a time loop that keeps repeating the same two days in 1943, as Miss Peregrine keeps turning back the clock just before the house is about to get bombed by German planes, but he also finds out that the warnings of Abe about Barron were true, as Barron and his cronies are seeking the children because their eyeballs help give them immortality when they eat them. As such, Jake leads the children in a battle against Barron to protect them and allow the children to control their use of the time loops to allow them and, by extension, Jake, to have a safe future.

You’d think a story like that would be a slam dunk with Burton at the helm, since it’s packing many of the themes and subject matter that we often associate with his work, including strange/socially ostracized characters with otherworldly abilities, social commentary against bad parenting and the idealized idea of what life in suburbia should be like, and macabre subject matter and imagery with a genesis in German expressionism.  In fact, for that reason alone, I know some defenders of this movie have considered this a “return to form” with echoes of Beetlejuice and especially Edward Scissorhands. However, outside of a few of the supporting performances (Terrance Stamp and Allison Janney) and the film’s technically sound and time period appropriate production design (the latter of which doesn’t really count as a positive, since Burton can do that in his sleep), there’s none of the bizarre intrigue, resonance or joy that we’d expect to get out of a film like this and it all feels so aggressively repellent and uninteresting.  The plot, despite my synopsis, is mostly insultingly incomprehensible babble that overexplains everything while somehow, never making anything about the time loops and twisted antagonists make sense, the characters of Miss Peregrine and the children generally have no personalities or development outside of their one defining trait, the bond between Jake and Emma is empty, poorly developed and awkward (especially their needless and contrived love story, which comes about from Emma transferring her feelings for the young version of Abe onto Jake), the father-son relationship between Jake and Franklin is unbelievable and, at times, rage-including (the horrible, yet one-dimensional and pushy character and Chris O’Dowd’s awful performance as Franklin adds to that) and there are plot holes everywhere.  

I guess the latter is to be expected in a time-travel fantasy movie, but even by its own logic, the time loop material raises big veracity questions, as does the fact that Miss Peregrine somehow is unable to know about specific threats against her and the children, even though Jake and the audience are told by the children that “she knows everything,” even before they happen.  In addition, there’s some really lame and horribly out-of-place stabs at humor (including the beat-boxing punks that’s as much of a tonal whiplash as the licensed songs from Pan), the acting is flat by most everyone involved and the darker elements of the story don’t add anything meaningful to it and come off as just gross and boundary-pushing for the sake of being gross and boundary-pushing, especially the stuff with the eyeball eating, which I had enough of seeing happen once in The Neon Demon this year, let alone multiple times here, and in a movie intended for families, no less (yeah, this being a “family film” is a real joke). If you’re a Burton fan/apologist, you may still want to check this one out, but I don’t think you’ll like it and, for everyone else, watch any of Burton’s good films instead.  Actually, just see any of his other movies, because they’re all better than this, and yes, that does include his now second worst film, Mars Attacks.

 Money Monster

Three months before Hell Or High Water came out and gave us a great drama about the current American economic malaise and the way it can drive people to crime, we had director Jodie Foster’s stab at a similar idea with Money Monster.  I was curious about this one, given big names like George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Giancarlo Esposito and Dominic West in the cast and especially since Foster's past films behind the camera showed her ability to dive into the guts of real-world issues and come out with pretty impressive complexity, clarity and understanding about them, my favorite being her deeply underrated 2011 look at psychological and mental issues in a family and marriage, The Beaver.  Unfortunately, this is just a dull, simplistic, ridiculous, pedantic and slanted political lecture about “income inequality” and how it hurts lower class citizens, but, at best, it’s not smart or interesting enough about it to entertain, help us empathize with and psychologically explore the complexities and situations of said people’s frustrations or change any minds, and at worst, its significant failures and illogical elements unintentionally reveal the significant and fatal fallacies of that entire concept.

George Clooney stars as Lee Gates, the host of the top-rated cable TV financial show, Money Monster, which has him delivering flashy and easily presentable, yet apparently economically in-depth and credible analysis/advice regarding the stock market, company financial patterns and good stock buys (if you’ve ever seen CNBC’s Mad Money, hosted by Jim Cramer, this is basically the exact same thing).  On today’s show, he’s planning to discuss the Ibis corporation, a company that he once called a safe buy, that has now seen its stock price plummet, resulting in the company and its shareholders losing $800 million. Lee is planning on interviewing the company’s CEO, Walt Camby (Dominic West), but he cancels on them, so Lee’s seemingly dedicated studio director, Patty Fenn (Julia Roberts), quickly books Diane Lester (Caitriona Balfe), Ibis’s newest CCO.  After the show starts, a strange delivery boy walks onto the stage, pulls a gun on Lee and forces him to put on a bomb vest that the man will detonate live on national TV if Lee and the crew don’t follow his orders, which include them keeping the cameras rolling.  The man, a working-class millennial named Kyle Budwell (Jack O'Connell), claims that he’s doing this because he saw Lee’s tip about Ibis stock being a good buy, which ultimately resulted in Kyle’s entire life savings being wiped out.  When news of the hostage situation gets out, the police and SWAT team arrive, led by Marcus Powell (Giancarlo Esposito), to try and bring it to a non-lethal conclusion, while Lee follows Kyle’s demands as he and Patty try and think of a way to escape. Meanwhile, after news of the crisis and its connection to Ibis reaches Diane, she begins to dig deeper into what’s really going on in the company, including investigating the algorithms that were claimed to have caused the stock crashed like it did and trying to find and get answers out of Camby, who claims to be on a plane from Geneva and can’t be reached.

So, the movie is a hostage thriller where the social commentary is provided by Kyle, whose argument boils down to the usual lines about how the 1% on Wall Street and in big corporations are able to lazily get rich while screwing good and hard-working people like him who are still struggling to survive on the minimum wage they make.  The first issue with the film’s argument is that, in the world of this movie, the minimum wage that Kyle and others like him make is $14. That’s the same amount that, in the real world, it’s often argued that the minimum wage needs to be raised to in order to allow people like Kyle to have a decent living without having to suffer, but clearly, he still is struggling and he and the movie are still arguing that it’s not enough.  Second, even with Kyle’s plight, I never got enough of a sense that he’s really at the end of his rope or that I could understand his point of view or the desperation that led to him being ready to kill for economic satisfaction and compensation.  Part of this has to do with the script, which, with the exception of a scene where Kyle’s girlfriend, rightly, tells him off for his own bad choices and mismanagement with their money that also played a role in his downfall, blindly deifies Kyle with no pushback on his entitled, elitist and empty self-righteous platitudes (which are just as bad to me as the worst examples of the 1%ers he’s decrying), and the other part has to do with the Razzie-worthy performance by Jack O'Connell, with his embarrassingly mannered speech patterns and expressions (including that eternal gaping) that show him trying way too hard to be authentic, tragic and manic.  As such, I don’t care about Kyle, I don’t side with him and I see him as a black and white eternal victim who, with no gray areas to him here, is just using his stock loss as a scapegoat for his own personal failings.  

As far as Lee, Patty, and the TV crew, aside from the brief opening and some brief and quickly ditched asides about Patty potentially looking for another job, we don’t learn enough about them to get invested in seeing them live or die and, despite this top-flight cast, all of them, including leads Clooney and Roberts, are just OK and lack the crackle that I know they can bring and that director Foster is often good at helping to bring out.  Speaking of the direction, it’s pretty flat and lacks tension, while the action scenes aren’t gripping, the gaps in logic with the show being continually broadcast during the crisis and the attempts at police involvement are too large to ignore and, ultimately, don’t add anything to the story, the film’s portrayal of its Russian and Asian characters is kind of racist and hateful (I guess those are the two ethnic groups you’re still allowed to bigotedly stereotype without any consequence in the movies nowadays), the stabs at feminism with Diane and Patty are rushed through and too on-the-nose.

And then, there’s the tone of the film. It’s clearly supposed to be a mostly serious drama/thriller, but we also get this weird and out of place attempt at humor, which was a terrible miscalculation, as they clash badly with the rest of the film and aren’t funny, the worst of which has to be the sex scene (yeah, I was taken back by that, too) which is the most needless and gratuitous one in recent major movie history.  In the film’s slight defense, it’s not an unwatchable disaster and it is short enough, but given the talent of Foster as a filmmaker in the past, the cast and the great potential of looking at the American economic system with depth and intrigue, while wrapping it in a familiar movie narrative shell, this really should have turned out better than it did and, especially in a year that delivered the definitive example of that concept in Hell Or High Water, the failure of Money Monster is even more obvious and unacceptable.

 Rules Don’t Apply

This long-time passion project of co-writer/director/star Warren Beatty (who last directed a theatrical film with 1998’s Bulworth and last starred in a movie in 2001’s Town & Country) is a hybrid of a Howard Hughes dramatic biopic and a golden age Hollywood-style love triangle romantic comedy… and it’s also the only other 2016 movie aside from The Boss that I gave a 0 star review to. You’d think that would have guaranteed it a spot in to the worst 10 list, but it didn’t for three reasons; first, as horrible as this movie is (and it is), it didn’t anger me quite as much as the other 19 films I highlighted, second, I’ve actually already forgotten about it, despite seeing it less than a month ago, and third, this self-indulgent epitome of Hollywood legend narcissism and talent wasting has already publicly answered for its crimes against cinematic humanity by having the worst opening weekend of any major release in 2016 and becoming a well-deserved box-office flop.  So, yeah, I’m technically showing some mercy to this one, but it’s still such a uniquely uninteresting, terrible and kind of ugly film completely lacking in intrigue, involving story/characters, perspective and even halfway decent filmmaking that I need to deal with it.  

Beatty stars as Howard Hughes, the Hollywood billionaire circa 1958, when his eccentricities, obsession with barely-legal contract starlets and obsessive compulsive disorder were approaching the boiling point.  Enter Marla Mabrey (Lily Collins), a fictionalized religious young woman who comes to Hollywood to attempt to become a movie star under Hughes who is continually given the runaround, as is Hughes’ new limo driver, Frank Forbes (Alden Ehrenreich).  The two fall in love, breaking Hughes’ rule forbidding his contract actresses from dating his other employees, resulting in their strained relationship, especially after Hughes seduces Marla and forms a love-triangle that changes by the minute because of how psychologically messed up Hughes is.  I’ll give the movie this; the idea of taking a larger than life real-world figure like Howard Hughes and connecting his true story to those of fictitious characters isn’t bad and, with Beatty directing it and having such a star-studded cast, including supporting players like Annette Benning, Matthew Broderick, Ed Harris, Candice Bergen, Martin Sheen, Oliver Platt, Paul Sorvino, and Dabney Coleman, this sure sounded good on paper.  

Yet, by making a movie about Howard Hughes, Beatty is directly inviting a comparison with The Aviator, Martin Scorsese’s now seemly forgotten and underrated 2004 film also about Hughes that had the verve, investment and craft that’s completely missing here. True, this movie is telling a different story about Hughes than Scorsese did, but both Beatty the director and Beatty the actor fail to make it even halfway interesting, because the movie pathetically and repetitively keeps hammering us over the head with his crazy nature, while providing no attitude about him at all.  Basically, the film uses Hughes’ condition to justify its abrupt tonal shifts between its empty and surface human drama, its desperate, unfunny and, in terms of mining Hughes’ paranoia for laughs, cruel comedy and its supposedly whimsical moments that are embarrassing at best and, at worst, skin-crawlingly creepy (I’m sorry, but seeing the 27-year-old Lily Collins having sex with the now 79-year-old Beatty, while the movie has no perspective about it, just made me feel dirty). Regarding the fictional characters, Frank and Marla’s relationship totally lacks chemistry, passion or plausibility and their bonds to Hughes only mean that they constantly have the same shocked and/or disgusted reaction shots to him and his exploits, none of which are funny and none of which work as interesting or credible drama, especially when they still stand by Hughes when he completely goes off the deep end.

The film’s story and character development issues also aren’t helped by perhaps the year’s worst editing (scenes just randomly and abruptly stop before shifting to the next), the glacial pacing that makes the over 2 hour running time feel like an eternity, the overdone low-key lighting, the horrible plane CG/special effects, some pretty obvious discrepancies regarding the time period and the religious angle of Marla and her mother (they’re Baptist, but they say grace in one scene using "Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts, which we're about to receive from thy bounty," which is a Catholic prayer; oops) and the really flat performances from this totally wasted cast.   Seriously, there’s not one single redeemable aspect about this movie to even justify it as an eventual video rental or Netflix watch, so do what most everyone else did regarding it in theaters, completely ignore it, watch The Aviator and, then, forget this ever came out.

OK, we’re done with the worst of 2016.  Come back next time for the best!