#they're so caught up in it they don't even realize it's triggering their allergies

[mimikusu]

Today I learned that ppl with adhd are more likely to have allergies... and I'm very much obsessed with this now.

[melancholic-pigeon]

I'm sure some of it is that my introvert batteries are critically low after spending two lovely weeks with two lovely people so I have a much shorter fuse and am wandering around like a flayed nerve a little bit

I am thoroughly wiped out and reeling from that douchecanoe who chased me down the street to scream at me and physically exhausted and emotionally recharged and I don't know how to cope with all of these conflicting things

Like legit I was in survival mode and I didn't even realize it until I was no longer in survival mode

For the record, too, I consider triggers to be like allergies. Just because I'm allergic to nickel doesn't mean it's morally wrong for other people to wear nickel jewelry. And yeah, I think certain jokes should be examined a little more deeply, but to throw in another analogy— I don't feel like I got punched deliberately in the face. I feel like I have old, stubborn wounds that healed wrong and I was accidentally bumped into right in the worst part of the injury.

They couldn't know that they're there, because I hide those injuries like a cat and they're under my clothes anyway. This is not a "shame on you", this is a wounded animal response that I didn't have under adequate control.

That's on me. It was pure instinct. It was the same pure instinct that almost got me killed last week. Which is to say, my brain was not involved at all, and like I said earlier I need to get better control over my wounded-animal responses, because they're not fair and they're much more intense than is justified for the situation.

Basically— PTSD can really fuck with your ability to relate to humans in a productive way. I haven't had a flareup in a very long time. I hadn't been triggered in a very long time until this week, and the initial trigger was Douchey McFuckface, which is what reopened the wound and made it so excruciatingly sensitive.

I'm also triggered by the smell of potpourri. They're often unexpected and I often don't realize what happened until well after it happens.

Like. I fucked up here! That's indisputable! I have my opinions, which I won't harp on because I already have way too much, but the point is that this was a terrible reaction and I do feel really bad about it. I could have and should have put it much more gently and been much more patient, and I sincerely apologize for that.

I just worry about people's states of mind. About people in general. About everything. I worry all the time. I'm scared for people and fear is such a primal, instinctive thing that it overrides my common sense. That's a bad thing.

I don't want anyone thinking I'm angry at them. I'm not actually angry. In this case, anger is a surface emotion, hiding trauma reactions I've been avoiding dealing with. It's not personal; those several people got caught in the crossfire.

I'm a lot more screwed up than I like to admit or show. This can make me a bit of a Douchey McFuckface too. I need professional help I'm not getting, and that's solely on me to solve. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was fourteen, which is over half my life at this point, and I should know me better by now.

Yeah. I sounded way more scoldy and aggressive than I intended, which is funny (not in a ha-ha way) since it's things that even vaguely, tangentially resemble aggression that set me spiraling into a meltdown. That's hypocritical of me, and I don't like being a hypocrite, but I kinda was.

Scratch the earlier thing about anger. I am angry. I'm angry at me, specifically.

I'm trying to be better. Walk the walk. I think I'll chill out when I've had a chance to charge my introvert batteries. I'll definitely be printing out some DBT modules, since I've been way too lax about that.

I'm tired and scared and in pain and that's not anyone's fault and it's my responsibility to handle my bullshit. I'm trying. I'm bad at it right now.