#things r changing at a phase i can’t quite keep up with

[pinksugarscrub]

Congrats on your one year! ❤️ may I order a tiramisu with Hobie and bounty hunter!R arguing about how they do their vigilante work until R accidentally reveals why she takes paid jobs (provide for family/ relative by anonymously sending them money out of guilt for making their family think they’re dead)?

You can change up the prompt to best suit your writing imagination 😚🥹

@hyperfix-wip

Crossroads

Bard! Hobie x Bounty Hunter! fem! reader

I had a lot of fun with this as you can see. There are very mature themes including blood, violence, and implied assault. Please read at your own discretion. I tried my best to keep it vague.

Word count: 3,070

~

What does a bounty hunter and a bard have in common? Absolutely nothing. Why pose such a question you may ask? It’s because you’ve had the unfortunate privilege of learning this answer.

How much longer you’ll have to endure endless rambling you do not know. What you do know is you would gladly kill this man for free.

It started over four weeks ago. Enough time to witness all of the phases of the moon.

A measly drink, a moment of peace was all you wanted when the bard came crashing into the stool beside you.

Now, normally this would not have provoked you to action but after having a very high ranking target stolen from right under you. It’s safe to say you needed to blow off some steam.

You paid the barkeep for all of the damages and stepped over the groaning drunkards on your way out. Who had started and likely would have continued an all out bar fight with every patron.

Either way you were ready to retire when the bard came stumbling out. Hair braided into several and tied back by a leather band. You can recall just how irritating the conversation was then.

No matter how much you tried to deny his praises, he assumed you a hero. Trying to invoke a life debt that was quite common to pirates. You were not interested.

He stayed anyway.

You figured after a time he would come to his senses and eventually sneak off when he thought you weren’t looking. Violence did that to people. It pushed them away.

His name was Hobart Brown but he insisted on being called Hobie. He dubbed you Lily after spotting a field of lily of the valley and also because you would not provide him with your name. ‘Pretty but deadly’ he said.

He wanted to travel by the Great Sea and find adventure. You almost felt sorry for the poor sod and he must have noticed because he reassured you that being in your debt did not create a dent on his plans.

You could tell he was fascinated with you. You knew that would be short lived as you cocked your pistol and killed a man you recognized from a town bulletin board. He was worth five hundred gold.

Hobie was off put. Expression wary and heavy as he asked you that night by the campfire who you were. You simply responded 'bounty hunter' and continued stoking the fire.

When you awoke he was still there. Saddling the horses and murmuring that the next town over would be less than a day’s travel.

You did not show your surprise as you slid out of your bed roll and prepared to depart. You felt uneasy the entire trip there. It was silent between the two of you even after you passed the town’s gate.

You’re unsure of why but perhaps it’s because his company has lifted a weight off of your shoulders that you stop him by the shoulder and check into an inn. Spending more coin than you would on yourself for a more than decent room and food that you ask to be sent to his just across the hall. A proper place to rest instead of dirt clearings and forest floors.

When you sit in the first warm bath you’ve had in months it dawns on you what you’ve done. You can’t afford any setbacks. He needs to go.

You cannot handle this kind of guilt in your heart that will inevitably follow you when you have to complete a bounty so you’ll leave first thing in the morning.

-

A quiet knock at your door stops you. Midcount of the gold and copper pieces in your pouch. They all clink together as you let them slid back into the leather bag.

“Yes?”

Hobie’s face immediately brightens when he catches your eye. A grin you've grown accustomed to. A stark contrast to the relaxed line of your lips.

“Good evening darling. Would you like to accompany me to the nearest tavern? I would say I owe you a drink.”

You give him a pointed look.

“Come on!” He laughs. Resting against the doorframe of your large room. “I know you are just as bored out of your mind as me. We can come right back if you’re still not up to it after one drink.”

Is it the way he smiles at you that gets you or the small quirk of his brow? The challenge. You have to wonder if the man is secretly a siren. It would match with his profession of choice.

“Fine, meet me downstairs in ten minutes.”

You don’t think you’ve ever seen a man sprint to his room like his life depended on it.

The nicest thing you owned was a flowy white dress that hung onto your shoulders and went just above your knees. The holster of your gun still fits snugly around your waist along with the pouch of coin you have since emptied to seem less heavy.

It isn’t particularly cold so you don’t take your signature coat with you. In a flourish you’re out the door and waiting with the fae handing out room keys and pretty smiles.

Not a minute later you catch the sound of the steps creaking and you swiftly move around. “Took you long enough. I was beginning to-” You caught yourself before you could finish that sentence but it didn’t seem like he caught on to your blunder.

He was looking at you with a slight part of his lips. It made your hair stand on end.

Hobie could now clearly see your figure. He could see more skin than you had previously shown in the last thirty two days. Heavens did you look beautiful.

He promptly cleared his throat and gestured toward the door. “Shall we?”

He let out a sigh of relief as soon as your attention was off of him.

Kill him, kill him now.

-

The walk to the tavern was short. The loud bumbling and bustling patrons spilling out the windows meant to look like painting archways. Sets of tables outside of the tavern as well which was new but not all that surprising. The population was bigger here compared to the last town.

Hobie stumbles and almost falls flat on his face as a boisterous woman steps into his path. You’re quick to catch him. Pulling him to your side with a firm grip around his waist. The woman apologies but it's obvious by the ale on her breath that she does not really mean it.

You look up to check on your companion only to find him already staring at you. With the same distant look he gave you at the inn.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he answers. Raking his eyes over your face before smiling. “Let’s go in.”

You roll your eyes at his obvious lie. Ignoring how it bothers you that you want to know what he is thinking.

A set of two glasses is set before you. Filled to the brim with froth coating the top of the glass. Apple cider. The town specialty given by the apple orchards the two of you passed on the way in.

You’re ready to slide your pouch off of your belt when a hand stops you.

“I’ll get it.” Hobie grins—fairy feathers doesn’t that hurt his face?—and hands a handsome amount of coin into the barmaid’s hand.

She’s ecstatic to which Hobie responds with a wink. It causes a pit to form in your stomach and you find yourself reaching for your mug to find something else to do with your mouth than scowl.

“Eager are we?” Hobie teases. Reaching for his own glass and taking a drink. He moans as soon as the liquid hits his tongue. “This must be made of liquid gold.”

You have to agree as your shoulders relax. The crisp taste is so satisfying you’re tempted to take bigger gulps.

Hobie smiles as he admires you behind his glass. He has to stop himself from reaching out and wiping away the froth from your lip. Thank the stars you are too distracted to notice.

“So,” Hobie hums,“was I right in taking you out of your room?”

He avoids using the word cage like he had planned to because he does take into account how luxurious the space they were staying in was. It wouldn’t be very proper of him to degrade the money she spent. Even as a joke.

You only nodded as you took the time to scan your surroundings. Everyone was having a good time. Glossy eyes and rosy cheeks were proof of that but you could never be too careful.

Hobie frowns but doesn’t say a word. Just shifts in his chair and tries to find something clever to say.

“How is your knee?” You ask above the cheers and laughter. “The foal took a pretty nasty hit to you.”

Hobie laughs. He looks pleased at the way you initiate conversation. It feels as though he is always the one talking.

“Oh, that. I’m fine. Was my fault for getting in her space anyway.”

Your lips break into a smile at that. “You should consider yourself lucky that it was her and not the mare.”

Hobie shivers at the thought. Bigger horse shoe, bigger hit. Yeah, that would not have gone well.

“I’m normally very good with animals, you can’t blame me,” he pouts.

That peaks your curiosity and yet again, he is perceptive enough to see this.

“I was born on a farm.” He grins again as he explains. “With more than a dozen cattle and sheep. We didn’t have horses though.”

Well, you might as well humor him.

“So your family owned land in the Northern region. That’s pretty far from where I found you.”

Hobie would fist pump the air if he could. Hook, line, and sinker. “Yeah?” He leans forward. “You know where that is?”

You nod, taking another sip of your cider and sighing. “I’ve never traveled up there. Aren’t many jobs and I haven’t found the need to explore.”

Hobie stiffens and glances at the holster holding your gun. “Right.” He licks his lips. His voice wasn’t as steady as he would have liked. “And you? Where do you come from? Because I’m certain it wasn’t from daisies.”

A chuckle leaves your lips that sounds more like a huff. “You do not know that. Haven’t you heard of the legends?”

“Ah, yes,” he pauses. Relaxing again as he slouches in his chair. “You truly want me to believe you came from stardust and laughter?”

“It’s startdust and happiness actually,” you correct. Smiling as you feel the bubbles of cider in your belly.

“Happiness,” he nods. Clicking his tongue as he grins. “Forgive me.”

You again, roll your eyes at his playfulness. Clinking your glass with your finger as you look off to the side. He still wants an answer, you know it.

You perk up as you notice a crowd gathering around a table. The perfect distraction. With a smile you reach for his hand and pull him with you. It doesn’t matter if your heart jumps into your throat at how warm his palms feel against your own. It was a necessary course of action. To protect yourself of course.

<

Commercial break - You’re almost 2,000 words in, take a break. If a project, work, or homework is staring you in the face, go finish it and come back. The story will still be here 💕

>

You’re laughing. Actually laughing as you leave the tavern with your head on his shoulder.

“I can’t believe you did that!” Hobie exhales. Disbelief still etched in his features as he kept his grin. “Where did you- how did you-”

“Family secret!” You snicker. A bit lightheaded from all of the alcohol you had just consumed. Ten times lighter but ten times heavier in coin after winning the bet.

“Oh so now you’re not even going to share that with me?” He guwaffs. Also a bit buzzed but definitely sober enough for the two of you.

“Fine fine,” you grumble. Squinting your eyes and scrunching your nose. “The secret is- my secret is-” A hiccup interrupts you but so does a cry of pain. You immediately sober up as your eyes dart toward a darker pathway of the town.

Hobie calls after you and soon he’s hot on your heels as you race to your destination.

Pain was something you were familiar with. You dealt with it every day. Whether you were inflicting it or someone was inflicting it upon you. You recognized it. It was what you lived for now.

A sort of numbness followed. It was a comfortable routine. Find the target, pull the trigger, find the next. But right now there was a panic and fear you hadn’t felt in years. Not since this entire ordeal first began.

You don’t think. It’s muscle memory at this point as you toss a man flat on his back. Cobblestone digging into his shoulders.

You can faintly hear the cry of the woman he was previously above. Hobie’s soft voice rushing to comfort the woman. That causes some of the fear to dissipate but not all of it.

It’s fist after fist and the blunt end of your pistol as you scramble to get some footing. Something to put you on top.

With a harsh shove to the path the man’s face comes to light. You recognize it in your haze. The sketch of his picture. The number under his name. You could do that, you could fix this issue no problem.

The cock of your gun snaps Hobie out of his frenzy. Eyes wide as he quickly rushes the girl to get out before she witnesses something to add more to her trauma.

The gurgle of the man’s throat is the next thing he hears as you hold him down with the heel of your boot.

“No, no, no-” he calls out. Grabbing you by the waist and tugging back so hard you both fall. The first shot rings out and hits one of the lanterns lighting the pathway.

“This isn’t the way to do this love!” He begs, pleas with you.

You struggle in his grip as the man in front of you finally manages to catch his bearings. Wobbling onto his knees as tears sting in your own eyes.

The second shot narrowly misses his boot. Hitting a stone before rolling away into the dirt.

The third you take as Hobie grips your arm. Opposite hand gripping tightly over your wrist as you close one eye and aim. It’s like clock work. As simple and easy as breathing.

The shell clatters to the ground and so does his body. The sight makes you nauseous.

Hobie finally manages to wrap his hand around your gun and toss it away. He doesn’t know where. His heart is beating too fast to understand.

For a moment you both sit there with heavy breath. Staring at the dead man that will owe you eight hundred gold pieces once you turn his body over along with his wanted poster.

“Love…” Hobie’s voice sounds so utterly broken that it brings you back to reality.

You reach up as you feel how sticky with tears your cheeks have become. When did you start crying?

“Love,” he repeats. More strength in his voice when he turns you around to face him. “Why would you do that?”

Why? Your brows furrow in anger. Hurt. Why? He’s asking you why?

This isn’t the way to do this

“You- do you even understand what you’ve done?” He shakes his head. He himself is shaking. “Do you just shoot everything that gets in your way? That brings you coin?”

He sounds so accusing. Like you are the one that has done something wrong. You look back to the man. Pooled in his own blood.

“Is that what you think?” You finally manage to say. Fingers curling into your soiled white dress. “That I do this for the satisfaction of money?”

You find the strength to push away and stand on your own two feet because that is what you have always done.

You turn to look down at the man before you. The man you were beginning to trust. The one you were willing to give your heart to if only in your dreams because you had no one else. Because at least someone would know you existed in this life. Laughed, cried, loved.

“I don’t do this because I enjoy putting a bullet between someone’s skull!”

Hobie cowers as you step closer and that only makes your heart ache more. Placing your finger fight at the base of his skull with your hand in the universally understood gesture of a gun.

“I do it for this!” You grip onto the pouch on your side. Tugging on it so the coins scatter like locusts. “All of this because that’s all I’m good for! That’s all I can provide for my family!”

Your chest hurts as you smack your hand against it. How many times have you placed a bullet there too? Counting the man on the ground, plenty.

“I don’t want to do this,” you choke. Throat feeling tight like there was a hand squeezing at its base.

You regret letting your guard down. Drinking like you didn’t have a care in the world when in fact, you did.

“I don’t want to do this.”

You sob as you fall to your knees and Hobie can’t stop himself from reaching for you and pulling you into his chest as you cry.

“I can’t do this anymore,” you whisper. The cider pushing forward the thoughts you held back in the deepest part of your mind.

‘How shameful’ he would say when you returned. ‘Your family shouldn’t need you after all’. Then he would shoot you dead in his office much like you did countless times before tonight.

Hobie held you so tight someone might wonder if you could breath. His own tears rolling down his cheeks as he hides the mark he’s found on your neck. A number with the symbol of the king.

Hobie regrets his poor choice of words but shit can you blame him? He cries into your neck as he vows to repay his debt to you.

A life, for a life.

[sunsetsandsunshine]

If me and my mutual’s were the Spider-gang…

❤️EMERY AS MILES MORALES🖤 @sunsetsandsunshine

Y’ALL ALREADY KNOOOOWWWW 💘💞💖💕💗💓

Artist of the group

My Dad is a police officer AND detective sooooooo…

He has done the “You gotta say I love you back” thing to me multiple times…

Fucking loves having friends and talking to people

COMIC BOOKS ARE LIFE‼️ COMIC BOOKS ARE LOVE‼️

Keeping the collectibles I N S I D E of the box!!! IT STAYS NICE AND FRESH THAT WAY— LIKE PRODUCE YK???!!!

Tries to be quote on quote “cooler” in front of others…

Newsflash? It never works

💝 Family lover all the way 💝

Music is LIFE 🎶🎤🎵🎼…idfk what we’d do without it…

A collector of many random things— rocks, toys, bracelets you NAME it

Hyperactive as HELL

Has a hard time accepting loss

“NAH” “🫠” “UHM…” “AAAAAAAAHHHHH”

A sketchbook for literally every season

When it comes to friendships, I will try everything in my power to maintain it and try to keep it going but once I’m done? I’m done 🫶🏾

A singer 😩🤚🏾

Physical affection 🫣💕💓

Apologies WAAAAAAY too fucking much

H A P P Y. S T I M S.

Suppressed anger issues

Knows way too many people both online and irl

Becomes a whole different person when angry 🥸👍🏾

Beatboxes and raps horribly

Basically Miles is me and I’m Miles ❤️🖤

🤍JOJO AS GWEN STACY🩵 @shut-up-jo

Cool af legit why the hell are you friends with me man—

Musician of the group 🪗🎷🎻🎺🎹🥁🎸

Shows up to your house without warning like you owe her money

In a band (most def)

Says the most DIABOLICAL and out of pocket shit known to MAN

🔥 Would burn down the kitchen if she ever cooked 🔥

Listens to Billy Joel 😌

POPULAR AF

Short af too 🤪🫶🏼

BAD PICK-UP LINES…

Would be cancelled if any of her texts got leaked

“DIE” “KYS” “CHOKE” “STFU”

Had the WORST 2020 phase (I’m sorry ilysm please don’t kill me 🙏🏼)

AOT lover (as you fucking should )

Honesty is the best policy 💋

Changes her voice depending on who she’s talking to

Has the most fucking unhinged and cursed FYP page

Doesn’t matter what social media app…it’s just straight up CURSED

Gives the best advice like oml

Could host a TED-talk but would there’s a 99.9% she would get cancelled

Needs to take a flipping BREAK 💕

Could make a TV show with her life (with like a million specials and crossovers)

Licks the powder off the Doritos and/or Taki’s and puts them back in the bag 😶…

Has burned Barbie’s before

Unironically sings 'Dance Monkey' just because

Your so so silly I love you so much 🤍🩵

💛SANA AS PAVITIR🩷 @itzsana-kiddingmenow

If sunshine were a person 🌞

Has a really toxic fanbase…

✨Anxiety✨

The best cook out of all 4 of us probably

“🥺” “GRRRRRRR” “🙈” “NAUUUR”

Calls people adorable, cute etc but can’t handle when people say that to her 🥹💓

Your adorable btw ☺️

When she’s mad she doesn’t cuss that much but most def just says big words

#TOXICFRIENDSGANG

Takes selfies like every single second 📱

Has Snapchat probably

Has listened to JoJo Siwa’s Karma WAAAAY too many times…

Would fold like a lawn chair if poked in the side 💕

FANGIRL

✨ Bilingual queen ✨

Sobbed for DAYS when MatPat dropped his departure video…

Is way too fucking smart 😉

Has the Ultimate Alpha Sigma Gyatt Rizz but doesn’t know it quite yet 👁️🫦👁️

A tea lover ☕️🍵

Would go to antique stores with people to just look at things and then end up buying the whole ass store

Does cartwheels for funsies

Overthinker ☹️

Could solo Bakugou and win

Is going to be a menace one she learns how to drive

Needs more sleep frfr

My lil sugar cream puff over here you guys 💛🩷

💙ZEEZIE AS HOBIE BROWN❤️ @ziipzeepzop-eez

101% effort in E V E R Y T H I N G

Side-eyes 🤨

Has more rizz than the whole Earth population combined

“FW” “THAT’S RACIST” “TWWINNNN” “YUUURR”

EMOJIS EMOJIS EMOJIS EMOJIS EMOJIS EMOJIS

Did I say emojis?

Comes up with the most cutest freaking nicknames for people 🥹💕🩷☹️💓✨

TAKE A BREAK 😡😡😡

Can most definitely win a dance battle against anyone but acts like she can’t

Dad jokes 🫶🏽

Uses finger guns unironically (through text and in person) 👉🏽👉🏽

Could make a diss-track about so many people 🫢…

Would have a million cats if she could

Probably had a Gacha Life phase

Would go to a movie theater just to watch cat videos on the big screen

Popular af 💕

Friends with legit everyone 🙏🏽

Would actually murder a man if they hurt one of her friends

Has watched Coraline and The Nightmare Before Christmas soooooo many damn times

Guillmero Del Toro’s Pinocchio made her ugly cry (Same here 🫠)

Could solo everyone here on Tumblr easily 👁️👄👁️

Hates Twitter/X but only has it for the ✨drama✨

FAIRY LIIIGHTS

Is most def someone’s opp ☺️

Can multi-task like crazy

So cool and dazzling and aahhhfhfhds 💙❤️

(If any of this makes any of you guys uncomfy just DM me and I can erase it 🫶🏾)

[btterflyinc]

Tarot Reading Request

Sabrina Rocha, SR

17.06.2004

Sun-Moon-Mercury-Venus-Lilith Gemini ♊️

Person in-question:

Rico P. , RP

29.11.1991

Coworker at gastronomy, shift supervisor most of the times = 2nd Leader in-command, workaholic with no hobbies other than being a gym rat, very charismatic and inspiring to others, works greatly in teamwork, knows how to read people, very strategic and logical….analytic?

ENERGY: Blueish-greenish grey aura (my perspective, now changing slightly to green-neon fireflies surrounding it if his face comes to mind)

From the strangers’ phase since I started working at this restaurant, I’ve noticed he’s gotten a little softer when it comes to me. We joke around sometimes but due to his policy of: “No friends or connections at work”, he keeps his private life and feelings quite hidden. Also has been through some life SHIT (read his blog and found out many things, ranging from bullying to loss of self, to suicidal thoughts and depression. His past was quite dark…and me being shameless in googling him….oops).

I gave him a love letter before the last time we worked together, inviting him for a coffee date and showing him I like him a lot and have interest in him. Also told a bit more about myself. He hasn’t replied or mentioned it as of now. Only thanked me upon the moment of giving it.

VERY recently, I almost got fired, because I have to solve some family financial issues in another country, and when I announced the news of my need to travel, I was THIS CLOSE 🤏 to being fired by my 1st Boss. Rico is probably the better reason I didn’t get fired….alongside a quite logical…convincing explanation of the situation.

I’ll be away for two weeks now. Yesterday after a long work shift, while saying goodbye, were Rico, Ellen (another coworker) and I at the office. I tried to explain the importance of my travel trip to solve these issues and that I really didn’t want to be fired. He joked around with a very sarcastic, BRIGHT (like he is, help) smile:

“You’ll be back by the 18th.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You know what’ll happen if you’re not back by the 18th, right?” -turning smug smile, still playful

(Matching his tone, smile and banter):

“Yeah, the solution/outcome is RESIGNATION/TERMINATION!”

🤡🤪😆

brutal circus mode

But all in all; he means well. Wrote him yesterday thanking him via chat again, and saying I’d buy him souvenirs from Brazil, for him to tell what he wished for. Quoted at the end (like I did in the hand-given letter)

= “When one is already in shit, one can at least enjoy the weather amidst all the chaos around“

ft. Enjoy The Weather - Karmina =

And I can’t help falling even more for him…..delusional, ik. Need to get a grip.

What do you see of the next two weeks, in terms of him missing me, or stressing about the deadline or whatever future and current energy you can grasp from your perspective?

Let me know of any hidden resurfacing information or hints. Thanks!

Hello, Sabrina/SR! Thank you so much for requesting this reading!

Okay, I am going to give you my two cents on this before I give you the reading.

You are very young and this guy you have a crush on is 13 years older than you. Yes, you are both adults, but you are both in very different stages of life and maturity. Also, not to mention, there is another power imbalance with him being your boss at your job which could lead to some bad situations.

Yes, he did stick up for you with your other boss, but did he do that because you're genuinely a great asset to them or because he knows you like him and he wants something from you? This situation could happen again because it seems your other boss is a hardass, but what if you have a falling out with R? Would he still stick up for you then if something like that were to happen again?

I am not judging you. I am just trying to give you some food for thought because of the very unsettling clear power imbalances this could cause if this goes any farther than just being friends.

Now onto the reading. It seems that he feels some sort of frustration and resentment. Very much so. I have a feeling this is related to work. I also see that he's being judgemental and cruel to others. Or possibly others are being that way towards him. It seems he'll be depressed and withdrawn during this time.

I hope this reading resonated with you or helped you in some way!

I hope you have a great day/afternoon/evening!

[134340am]

this is so stupid actually why am i 22 years old and still scared of going back to school……. 😞 pls b nice to me

[anders-hawke]

r/relationship_advice

My husband (52M) has become depressed. I (49F) am thinking of leaving him.

My husband and I have known each other for two decades now. It devastates me to think of our relationship ending after all these years, after all we’ve been through—multiple deaths in the family, fertility issues, and other things I’m not comfortable mentioning here. However, I feel as though this might be the thing that finally breaks us. My husband and I finally bought our first house together a handful of years back after a lot of pain and strife. I was hoping that this would mean we were turning over a new leaf.

Instead, my husband began to hole up in his office while I began working. (We are both content with the working arrangement.) He spends most of his time in there, now, hardly coming out to eat. I’ve tried all manner of things to entice him out of his office, and for a while, they worked, but now even my most desperate measures don’t penetrate the dark fog that seems to be surrounding him.

Once upon a time we were young and naive and afraid of ruining our friendship. It took us seven years to finally take that step and start dating. And I thought that we would be okay—good, even. For a while, we were. Due to unforseen circumstances that lasted for several years, that brief phase of happiness ended. But I held out hope that once things settled down we’d be able to be happy together again.

There was an event that occurred around the turn of the year. A deadline that passed, really. We were expecting something monumental to happen, something life-changing, but nothing happened. My husband had dedicated his life to finding this out, but it turns out it was simply another lie. So I’m not surprised or disappointed that my husband has become depressed. But it’s been nearly six months. There’s only so much I can do to help him, and I can feel depression weighing down on me. I’ve been slipping. But I can’t quite bring myself to leave him.

Who else will care for him when I leave? Who will place a filled water bottle on his desk to make sure that he can drink when he’s thirsty? Who will give him something he can eat quickly and easily so he eats at all? I want answers as much as him, but I work, and that keeps me from slipping so much. He has a catchphrase: “I want to believe.” I have tried so hard to believe in him, and I do—I believe he can get better. But I just don’t know if I can wait around for him, if I can sacrifice my own health for his.

I’m simply looking for outside insight on the matter.

[missnight0wl]

This game is a walking headache, so I'll ask about fashion! Could you tell/show a bit of Helena and Jacob's style? 💕

Alright, but seriously, this is a really cool question! And thank you for asking! 💖

However, I can’t into fashion, like at all... and so I’m not sure if what I came up with is even cohesive and whatnot. Nonetheless, here it is! Finally! And it’s a bit longish...

In general, both Helena and Jacob are familiar with Muggle fashion. Their father is a Muggle, so their connection to the Muggle world is pretty strong. Of course, it absolutely doesn’t mean they’re fashionable. Oh no, no, no… Still, they are kind of influenced by what they see on the telly or simply in stores while they’re back at home. Therefore, it’s not obscure for them either. Now, with that in mind, let’s discuss some details.

Helena

Helena’s style is kind of all over the place, really. There’s a lot of typical 80s fashion: mostly jeans with colourful T-shirts or jumpers. She also likes to wear Jacob’s old flannel shirts. “Old” means that they’re smaller than you’d think looking at Jacob now, but… they’re still quite too big for Helena. It takes a while before she decides to make them more fitting (by using Reducio, for example).

By the end of the fourth year, Helena’s style becomes a bit more “rocker”. It's actually inspired by the game itself because around this time, we got that galaxy hair and the black leather coat (it was shortly before the Weird Sisters TLSQ was originally released). And honestly, I liked it so much that I decided to keep it canon. I didn’t find the exact coat I imagine, but the story is basically that Helena found it in a second-hand one day, and pretty much everyone hates it – but Helena loves it.

Helena’s rocker phase lasts for some part of the fifth year, and then, it turns sort of into a mix of both her 80s and rocker styles.

I also want Helena to have some fun bag. I didn’t figure out the exact design yet, but I included what gives me more or less the right vibes. I’m thinking that perhaps it was even her mum’s bag previously, and Helena was quite surprised when she found it, because currently, Alice has a rather proper style.

Helena doesn’t wear a lot of accessories otherwise. It’s usually just her watch (a present from her grandparents) and a piercing in the upper part of her ear she got from Tonks.

After Hogwarts, her style becomes more… mature? I guess you could qualify it as Light Academia or maybe Dark Academia. (Please, keep in mind that I don’t really know what I’m talking about.) Either way, it starts shaping in the seventh year already, probably. She wears more dresses, and skirts, and whatnot. On top of that, she wears some subtle jewellery a little more often.

This trend continues into her adulthood. Of course, it also depends on the situation. She still likes to go back to her more casual style, and she has a pretty prominent grunge phase in the 90s. It’d probably be the preferred choice for most of the curse-breaking assignments, too: her Docs, jeans, and some leather jacket.

Jacob

Jacob’s style is quite simple. He just needs a T-shirt, his flannel and/or a jeans jacket, and he’s ready to go. Since he is a bit of a geek, he likes T-shirts referring the pop culture: either music bands or films. He prefers dark and neutral colours – and it stays true for the rest of his life.

The truth is that Jacob didn’t really have a chance to work on his style as a teenager. I mean, it was never a priority in his mind at Hogwarts, then he started working for R, and then… well, he got imprisoned. And after he gets out, he basically wears what he has – which means that his style doesn’t change much for quite some time. And that’s fine, actually, because he feels rather comfortable with it.

The one more important thing that changes during that period is that he wears the coat he got from Patricia a lot. Pretty much all the time when he’s outside. I plan to make a proper design of it one day, but so far, I was inspired by various search results like this, for example:

It doesn’t exactly fit his style, but he somehow makes it work.

He also keeps carrying his leather bag (a present from his parents). Similar to Helena, he doesn’t accessorise much otherwise.

After the nightmare of the Cursed Vaults is over, Jacob is being influenced by some people eventually, and so his style changes a little more. It becomes slightly more elegant, but nothing too extra. He doesn’t abandon his old style entirely, so I’d say it’s sort of hipstery as a result. He pays more attention to accessories as well, but it’s still nothing too extravagant.

Now, I don’t know if you can tell already that I’m trying really hard not to say that Jacob’s style is basically Hozier… but it kind of is. Like, when Patricia gave him the coat and said: “I thought it should be good for your height. Though it’s a bit loose. Then again, most things are on you…”, this is pretty much what I had in mind: click!

The funny thing is that Jacob is honestly not based on Hozier. I got super into Hozier fairly recently, because in 2020, I believe. I knew some of his songs even earlier, naturally, but this was when I fully discovered him. And Jacob was pretty fleshed out by then! But the more I watched Hozier, the more I was like: “Oh yeah, it’s Jacob vibes”.

What can I say? I guess I simply have a type – and Jacob was always a very self-indulgent character 😅

Also, if we speak about Hozier already, it obviously means… A MAN BUN!

And yes, this one is actually influenced by Hozier.

Finally, here’s a little bonus: I tried to put together some outfits in The Sims 4. They’re not perfect, of course, because TS4 has its limitation (and I didn’t download any custom content just for that), but I’m rather happy with the results anyway!

[medical-gal]

Death by a thousand cuts

I have been thinking about writing this for months now. Even before I decided to quit the residency at my previous job.

COVID has been kicking our ass, true, but that was (is) true for most healthcare providers all around the world.

No, my struggle started a bit before that actually.

First some background, I have been working at one of the biggest most famous ID clinics in central Europe. The clinic is in a different country than I am originally from so there was a bit of cultural accommodating at the begging. But we were a big group of ID interns/residents/fellows and specialists.

I don't actually remember that much from my first year working there. And I couldn't figure out why, but then I read in some study that when u experience a high dose of stress and/or sleep deprivation for a long time, your brain kinda stopps being able to transcribe short term memory into a long term.

I was working 100hours/week, sometimes less, sometimes more. After a year and a half, when the last half I worked in the ID ER for five months, I always stayed after working 24 hours, sometimes over 36hours, and I would see and treat 70ish patients. Nobody from the older docs would help me out, nobody from other interns either bc usually they would have their own kind of hell to take care of.

The fact that basically, inexperienced doctors are taking care of patients never really phased my ex-boss. Her mantra was that if there was a problem that you cannot resolve, you can call her and she would advise you. Which most of the time was true, I must say that.

But we all have been young docs, barely out of our medical school garments, and sometimes as it happened, we could not recognize there IS a problem that maybe needs a more experienced opinion.

I am often confronted with this idea or more like a culture, of pretending that once you are an MD you don't need help and asking for it is a kind of weakness and that then you are forever on the list of WEAKLINGS.

And let me say this only once.

That's absolute bullshit.

Anyway, the first time I decided to quit I worked there for about a year and a half, I went for a long-expected holiday, I took three weeks off, had interviews and talked with my bf about my options.

Second thing...my man, bless his beard, would support me no matter what. He is almost 10 years older than me, so he has more work experience and I find it reassuring to discuss stuff like this with him bc I know he will not sugarcoat it. He said that I should dig my heels in and last at least one more year till the end of my "internship". As a "resident" who worked at this specific department, I wouldn't have a problem finding another job. We r basically the equivalent of a french legion of medical professionals (when u work in this specific department and everyone knows it, I will come back to that later).

So I took his advice. Thankfully as a part of our training, one of those parts is a year-long internship at the internal medicine department, which I did shortly after we had that conversation and guys, that was a revelation of how medicine and just...work and life can be experienced. There were enough docs for a floor, an attending who had the time to manage and advise us. I´ve grown that year as a doc so much. Other internships were mandatory so I could have become (equivalent of) a resident, and it was a general surgery, anesthesiology, radiology, microbiology etc. But I did them all and became a resident.

The moment I came back to our clinic, my boss would put me in our outpatient department. Which I have never worked on before. The head of the department has quit a few months before, and I had no idea what to do there, bc it's a very different type work. The only thing my boss told me when I spoke of my concerns were "you will learn".

Thankfully the previous head of the department was a good friend of mine and she would always answer my questions and requests. Suddenly I no longer had to deal with the hectic life of an ID floor or ER, no sepsis, meningitis, etc.

Most of my patients were the chronic type...Lyme, chlamydia, mycoplasma... let's say it literally drained the life out of me. But I managed. Also, I started to work for their outpatient office which takes care of patients with chronic hepatatis. That I enjoyed more.

I also started to dip my toes in vaccinology, either planned like for travel but I started to be more interested in preventive care in the immunocompromised and my own phantasmagoria was to make a palliative care team in our hospital. Bc, we had none. And then a wonderful thing happened, other docs, older experienced, great at their work, started to refer their patients to me specifically.

There were more examples of the utter a complete FUCK U(s) which were kindly provided either by the system or by the head of the department or the hospital.

Then covid hit and the shit hit the interstellar space.

I still can't make myself remember the first few months bc it actually causes me to go into a rage fit, and honestly, I am done with that kind of negativity.

I hold out for a year. Year of such shitty treatment from the chief and our hospital head. No thank you- s or you are doing a good job or we r all on the same ship.

No.

People will say that I quit bc of the money. And that's not true, tho it did irk me a bit. All the other ID specialists working at different hospitals would get covid bonuses every month. We got jack shit. Again, the best biggest most know ID clinic. We were the first and oftern the ONLY ones who would test for/diagnose/hospitalize/treat a patient who had covid FOR MONTHS in the beginning.

I mean, the medical community is small, the ID community even smaller so yes, we were able to compare and contrast the work at different ID departments in other hospitals bc our friends worked there. And all of them would go speechless when they would hear from us what we were living thru.

At one point at the beginning of the pandemic, ALL the ambulances would go thru our ER department and we were supposed to decide where the patient should go.

AN EXAMPLE

Ambulance with a woman who has known colon cancer, had a fever, stomach as a rock and is projectile vomiting. I was supposed to decide where she should go and the surgeon would be super pissed when I said that I don't think she has COVID but without PCR I can't be sure but I think there is a bigger pressing issue. I remember him saying:

"well if anyone else gets infected at our department and dies, it's on you."

fun.

There were other examples of seriously stressful episodes which I and my coworkers lived thru, for which we were not trained for, advised, or properly supervised. At a certain point, I started to take anxiolytics before and during my all-nighters bc I didn't know what I would do with all that stress which was so callously shat on me and my coworkers.

For a few months, I stopped working nights, only thru the mercy of my coworkers who saw how exhausted I was and would take my shifts.

Anyway, after only two months I had to start working nights bc I needed the money. The basic pay for docs was just not enough without the extra from night shifts. Talk about exploiting.

The moment however when I decided to QUIT, when I was DONE, when I actually heard my heart break, was the moment at the end of the previous year. They decided to start vaccinating in our tiny small vaccination centre. Let's say a "shit storm" brewing is the light version of events that ensued.

But basically, as I was trying to discuss with my boss that we are all exhausted, that this wave is not slowing down and that throwing more work at us, the docs and nurses and other staff, who are overworked, is not a good idea,

What she basically said to me is that who says things like that is lazy and that if she can handle it everyone must be also.

The thing is..most of us were at the bring. Some would handle it with casual and calous sex, drugs (legal or not), a bottle of wine before sleep. A coworker ended up with antipsychotics.

But u know,

we were all lazy apperently.

I realized there is no way out of this other than quitting. I could not continue being so tired and sad all the time. I took two weeks off, really thought about it. Had diarrhoea and nausea for a week as I realized I will have to quit :D

On a Monday I came back, handed in my notice. Basically what she told me and how she reacted made me realized how right the decision was.

I had to stay there for another three months bc that's the law, but my mood changed significantly.

I got another job in a smaller ID department, working with amazingly kind people, but that's another story.

But that was the only interview I actually looked for and did. I, however, did get several job offers from different types of medicine. From heads of different departments in my old hospital to smaller general medicine chain offices who are looking for ID specialists, to insurance companies.

Like I said, french legion.

Or Runway and your boss is Miranda Pristley. Once u survive that, u survive anything.

But at my old work they would keep hitting you with wave after wave of passive agressive comments about how if u quit, u wont be able to find anything as"prestigious" as this.

There were many other exmaples of a shitty and questionable situations which were treated as "normal" but there is not point on getting on that rage train.

Contrary as it might seem, I am greatful I got to live thru this, good and bad, bc now I know what I am and am not willing to sacrifice for a job. No matter how much I might love it.

[hetalia-reacts]

This might be weird but erm how would germany denmark and austria react to having a catboy s/o 🤧

(ﾟωﾟ) t-thank you for requesting this, not gonna lie this is gonna be very self indulgent and long hehe I have a not so secret love for cat boys and honestly the whole hybrid au thing it’s just so cute to me

Germany

Ludwig has come to really love his catboy boyfriend

First to admit the start was rocky and very challenging for both him and his s/o

Ludwig is quite knowledgeable on many things, exercise, health, academics, woodwork, steelwork, the list could go on and on

But he isn’t very knowledgeable about cats, or really any animal that isn’t a dog or doglike

So when he first found you,his s/o, cat ears and all, he was stumped in more ways than one

Ludwig definitely had many talks with Italy and Greece at the beginning when he let you stay with him

Like what did cats like? Should he take you on walks? Pet your ears? Offer to play fetch with you?

His way of thinking leads to lots of scratches and bites from you

When Ludwig starts getting into a relationship/realizes his feelings towards you things actually go pretty smoothly

Ludwig is awkward about confessing but after he gets through it and gets accepted it’s honestly smooth sailing from there

Aside from the fact he still asks if you want to play fetch with the dogs….

Ludwig would probably never admit to your face but he enjoys watching you be more catlike and acting more yourself than when you act more human or ‘normal’

Like when you try to catch any bugs that fly in, or when you find a string on the ground and go wild playing with it

It’s those moments that makes Ludwig feel special and all the more in love since that’s a side of you he doubts many have seen

Does anybody know about his boyfriend? Or know that he’s a catboy?

Yes but not because Ludwig or you wanted them too

Prussia, Austria, and Italy have barged in at some point or another and discovered you without your hat on thus leading to some scolding for Ludwig and some head pats for you from Italy

Hungary found out from Austria that he had a cat and came over to see them only to find you, she also scolds Ludwig for hiding you because damn was she in love with your cuteness

Switzerland and Liechtenstein find out because Switzerland needed to drop something off, came inside when Ludwig wasn’t there, and they both found you sleeping soundly

Liechtenstein comes over often now to see you despite her brother thinking you’re super suspicious and weird

And finally Japan finds out because Italy won’t stop talking about Ludwig’s catboy boyfriend and Japan needs to know if you’re just super into nekomimi headsets or if you’re really part cat

Expect Japan to not want to leave and invite you and Ludwig over a lot

Ludwig is troubled by them finding out but is glad that you’ve got some friends other than him and the dogs

Denmark

Mathias is a total dork and loves the catboy immediately

He’s just an animal man in general and you make him really happy even without being in a relationship

He wasn’t even phased by the cat ears and tail, just really wanted to pet your head

Struggles a lot when trying to take care of you/figure you out but he will not admit that he has no clue what he’s doing

Much like Germany often asks you if you want to play fetch, tug of war, or other really weird games

The only thing is Mathias can’t take a hint that you dislike that

Poor guy probably ends up thinking that’s just how you play and asks if you want to wrestle with him

Ganbare reader….

When a relationship starts forming or when he realizes that he likes you more than just as a roommate or friend Mathias is smooth

He totally takes you out on a date and confesses using a really cheesy line but it’s so him that it’s hard to laugh at him for it

Does he tell others he has a boyfriend? That you’re a catboy?

Yes and no

He tells people he’s dating someone, even introduces you to his family and friends but does his best to make sure you aren’t found out

Mathias is a jokester and a laid back guy but he’d never betray your trust on purpose and tell others about your secret

They do find out though…..

Norway and Iceland dropped by unannounced to give Mathias something he forgot at their house and since they have a key they let themselves in and you were walking about without your disguise on

Norway is likely angry at Mathias and you for hiding it and not trusting him at the very least

Iceland just thinks your cute but a little weird since you aren’t a cat, human, or country

Finland and Sweden find out because of Sealand

Mathias invited the three of them over and you and Sealand started rough housing and poof, there goes your hat

Sealand wants to come over everyday or have you come over and Finland and Sweden are big fans of this idea

They think you’re adorable uwu

Mathias has to beat them away with a stick and remind them you’re dating and not a pet so they won’t steal you from him

He’s glad it worked out that way though because he felt bad keeping it from them but didn’t want to betray your trust in him

Austria

Roderich is t r o u b l e d

I’m sorry but it’s the truth

He’s confused by what you are and no matter how cute of a catboy you are that doesn’t change his initial feelings

He can take care of people really well and he’s really nice but he will always act like it’s a burden

At the start you totally only get to stay on the condition you do some of the housework for him he totally hates dusting and sweeping/vacuuming

Roderich really loves petting your ears

He thinks they’re super soft and it relieves a lot of stress to pet and play with them

Unlike the others he knows how to handle your cat behaviors somewhat better

Won’t admit he bought you things to mess with while he’s busy, or if he does admit it he says it like your attention was bothering him

He easy to read though once you realize the type of person he is

So that’s how the relationship starts, you realizing he loves you more than a friend and making him confess

He takes you on dates often and tells you not to worry about hiding your ears and tail

He hates seeing you hiding yourself like that

Roderich will always defend you and make excuses why you have cat ears and a cat tail so you never have to worry about defending yourself or coming up with something

Would he tell others that he has a boyfriend? That his boyfriend is a catboy?

Yes for some, no for others

He told Hungary about you being a catboy before you two started dating

he really had no choice as she comes over a lot and they’re really close, but don’t worry she supports the romance 100% when he tells her he’s dating you

Roderich also willing tells Germany about you being a catboy before you two are dating and also tells him the news once you both are official

People that found out by accident are Switzerland and Prussia

Switzerland accidentally found the both of you together at a market and your hat fell off and he totally saw your ears before Roderich could do anything

He’s secretly happy for Roderich but of course he covers it up by being a bit standoffish and dismissive

Prussia finds out by bursting into Roderich and yours home to bother Roderich and catch up with him

Prussia ends up bothering you instead and not even talking to Roderich

Roderich is troubled by all the attention you get from his friends but he’s also happy since he’d rarely seen you leave before meeting them

[anntoldst0ries]

Christmas (Baby please come home) - part II

Pairing: Dr Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr Vicky Valentine)

Word Count: 6k+ 

Rating: R

Summary: Ethan & Vicky’s first Christmas together… will everything go as planned?

Category: Mini series, completed. Part I can be found here.

Warnings: A tiny bit of explicit language, mild sexual content. Other than this - I declare fluff, fluff and nothing but the fluff! :D  

Author’s note: Part II is here and it’s long - sorry not sorry :D I put a lot of effort into this story and I hope you’re gonna like it :) I’d like to thank A. from the bottom of my heart, not only has she proofread it and corrected my mistakes, but also gave me the most amazing feedback. Jenner’s response is also hers, but she thoughtfully let me use it :) This is for you my dear <3

Written for CFWC Winter season, using prompt 10. 

Christmas Eve

And then it was just them. 

In the car.

Alone. 

“For someone who has just said more words in 5 minutes than he does for a whole week, you’re surprisingly quiet, Dr Ramsey.’’

“Excellent observation, Dr Valentine. This is exactly the type of insight that earned you a spot on the Diagnostics Team.” Ethan threw her a tiny smile. “But it’s not surprising. It’s called getting things back on an even keel.”

She didn’t say anything, just gently moved her gaze outside the window, where the wintery Boston landscape unfolded right in front of them. In the background, Frank Sinatra’s velvety voice tucked her like a blanket and she couldn’t help but think he’d love White Christmas in the state of Massachusetts.

It wasn’t until then that she actually realised the Christmas song was playing in Ethan's car and not from the radio. This healthy compromise (Sinatra for him, Christmas song for her) made her smile, as she knew how much of an effort listening to Christmas tunes was for the man sitting on her left. His ears must have been bleeding heavily. She made sure of it, playing the jingles at full blast every evening, scarring him for life. 

“Did you call your family to let them know you’re not coming?” Ethan’s deep baritone roused Vicky from the sea of thoughts she was immersed in. 

“Nope, for two reasons: a - they didn’t know I was coming in the first place and b - I am still undecided.” 

Vicky noticed the muscles on his face twitch in an instant.  

“What can I do to help you make your mind up?” Ethan gently took her tiny hand in his and caressed the inside with his thumb. Then, he took it to his mouth and placed a kiss with great reverence, as if he was a religious fanatic and she was an object of religious cult. 

This took her by surprise. She was expecting a snotty remark, a raise of an eyebrow or dead silence. Instead, the question hit her with a load of affection so genuine that warmth instantly spread in her chest.

She knew exactly what it was that she needed.

He knew exactly what she was going to ask for.

“Ethan, I… listen, you and I both know there is something more to your reaction. What I said in your office, it was just a trigger. I don’t know what it is and frankly I thought about never mentioning it again. But we both know that the next time this happens, you will cut me off again. I am not going to force you to do something you don’t want to. I just can’t keep going through the same cycles and… and—“

He put his palm on hers and took a deep breath. 

“Are you hungry? Tired?” The older doctor asked with concern.

What the hell? Oh, I see what you’re doing Ramsey. Change of subject. Fine. I said what I wanted to say. The ball’s in your court now, doc.

“No to both.” She said as neutrally as possible, trying her best not to show him that the sudden change of subject upset her.

“Good. Before we go home, there is a place I need to stop by, is that ok?” The question sounded shyly, it wasn’t a tone she’d ever associate with him.

“I’ve never heard of a murderer who asked his victim if it’s ok to stop by the crime scene.”

“Trust me, if I were to murder you, you wouldn’t know.”

“Hmm, I’d like to think I know you well enough I would at least suspect.”

“I’d like to think you know me well enough to also know that I’d rather give you one of Dr Ramsey’s signature tirades. They are worse than murder.”

“No arguments here. So, will you tell me where we are going?”

“You���ll see.”

Soon, Ethan parked the car. He unbuckled the seat belt, opened the door and rushed to the other side, to open hers. He reached out for her hand with a faint smile and she blushed at the gentlemanly gesture. 

Having intertwined their fingers, Ethan led her along a high brick wall until a gate materialised in front of them. He gently pushed the gate and let her through. Only then did she realise where they actually were.

“Commonwealth Avenue Mall? What are we doing here?”

“If you ask me, it’s one of the most picturesque pathways I’ve ever seen and not only during winter. I like to come here for my runs and to… contemplate. Walk with me?” He asked, but it wasn’t really a question. Hand in hand, they walked down the alley. Fresh snow scrunched underfoot and the strings of lights danced to the melody of delicate wind. If this wasn’t a fairytale setting, she didn’t know what could be.

Vicky studied Ethan’s features carefully. Although he was still a closed book sometimes, she’s gotten quite good at reading him over the months. After Edenbrook, Ethan Ramsey was the second biggest field where her sharp diagnostic skills were heavily utilised. Maybe that’s what she should focus on once she starts her PhD? “The curious case of Ethan Jonah Ramsey.”

That’s how she noticed that something was clearly eating Ethan from the inside. If her calculations were correct, there was approximately 1/1000 chance of him making a decision to speak, so she decided to throw him a lifebelt. 

“Ethan, I can see that you want to say something, but it feels like you’re hesitating. Please don’t feel obliged to talk, I want you to do it on your own terms. As long as I know you want to talk to me eventually, I’m fine.”

“If I don’t speak now, I’m afraid I might never summon the courage.” Ethan tried to make it sound like a joke, but she knew how serious he was right now. She knew how much it had to cost him. Suddenly, she stopped and put her hands around his neck, then pressed her forehead to his.

“Don’t do this because of me.”

“Because of you? I’m not doing this because of you. I’m doing it for you. For us. What I’m about to say is painful, Vicky, but it’s nowhere near as painful as the thought of losing you. I’ve already told you how much time we lost because of my stubbornness. When… when you and Raf were locked in the hospital room…when I thought you were slipping from my grasp…” He had to stop to clear his throat and take a deep breath, clearly struggling to talk. “I promised myself that if life gives me a second chance, I will not waste it. I will work on this, on us, harder than I’ve worked during my 10 years at Edenbrook combined. I’d climb every damn mountain and swim every ocean if that’s what it takes to have you in my life.” 

She wanted to cry. It took every ounce of her strength not to. Ethan wasn’t a blabbermouth, but when he spoke - man, he knew how to choose his words wisely.

“Ethan, whatever it is… we will get through it. Together. You are not alone, darling.”

Ethan felt tears prickling from underneath his closed lids. Not only because of what she said, but also because of what she didn’t say. He saw the impact of his words in her eyes, yet she didn’t want to make this about her, but him. Her selflessness was one of the things he loved and admired most about her.  The older doctor never let himself be so vulnerable with any other person and as hard as it was for him, it also felt strangely right. As if all the pieces of this crazy puzzle called life finally came together. 

Feeling as ready as he’d ever be, he took a deep breath and said: “Let me take you on a trip down memory lane…”

25 years earlier

Ethan is 11 and he’s sitting alone in his room. The window in the 4 walls of his world overlooks the street and it's his only connection to the outside world. The window sill underneath is wide enough to sit on it, but not very comfortable for a long time. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there, unmoving. It may have been hours, it may have been days. Time lost its sense.

He’s already past the point of pain caused by the unnatural position, his body has entered the numb phase, and he doesn’t feel anything anymore. He wishes his mind could join his body in the bliss of being rid of feelings.

It is only thanks to the carollers wandering on the streets that he’s convinced it must be Christmas Eve. And how he also knows it’s been 27 days since his mother walked out on him. Anger mixes with despair, yet he’s unable to stop waiting for her, stop jumping involuntarily at any movement in close proximity of his home. There is still hope.

Unbeknownst to him, Alan stands on the other side of the door trying to make the hardest decision today: to save his son or to be there for his son. Alan is a painful reminder of the life they once had, a bridge to the reality that tumbled down. He slowly retreats from the door, unsure if he’s doing the right or the bad thing. How are you supposed to know? Life does not exactly prepare you for moments like this.

Everyone asks him how Ethan is. No wonder, he is just a child whose mother disappeared into thin air. But do they not realise he suffers too? He loved, loves this woman more than life itself.

Alan was furious at Louise. But was he surprised? Not entirely. Deep down, he always knew that she was a restless soul. She always gave him hints - a subtle comment here and there, some words said during one of their fights. But he was blindly in love, so whenever she gave him reasons to think they shouldn’t be together, he ignored it. And when she did something that surprised him, she won him over and he lost the argument with himself.

What worried Alan was that Ethan started showing Louise’s personality traits. And as much as she fooled him, he didn’t want his only child to end up broken and hurt. If he could, he’d do anything to protect him. But even as a father he was unable to shield his child from the damage of being abandoned by his mother, the only person that should forever shower him with unconditional love. How does one ever recover from such trauma?

Ethan knew. Although his dad tiptoed around him, he felt it. He knew exactly that he was fighting internal battles. He knew that his father suffered. 

There wasn’t anything that he wanted more than for his dad to come and hug him and tell him everything’s gonna be alright.

Or for his mum to come back home and explain the unexplainable. 

But somehow he knew this wasn’t going to happen and he was tired of waiting for a miracle.

And on this Christmas Eve he made a decision: he will never let anyone fool him with a promise of unconditional love ever again.

He will separate himself from the rest of the world, build a wall so high no one will ever be able to jump over it. 

No one will hurt him again, because you can’t hurt the rational mind, you can only hurt an emotional heart.

Today

“I haven’t cried since.” Ethan was now full on sobbing. “Until I met you, that is.” 

She pulled him as close as humanly possible and enveloped him in a tight hug, with his head resting upon the crook of her neck. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks abundantly.

The older doctor was afraid that once he’d start, he’d never stop crying. All his shattered dreams, his sleepless nights, silent prayers, fake smiles, they all joined forces and attacked him with all their might. Had it not been for her hard grip, he might’ve fallen on his knees. How this petite girl found so much strength was a mystery to him, but he’d never been more grateful. 

She kept rubbing soothing circles on his back and neck. It made her feel so unspeakably sad that the man she loved had to carry this unimaginable burden throughout his whole life. And as much as it sucked, she was happy that from now on, they could carry this burden together. Although he didn’t say anything, Ethan must have agreed, as she felt the tension slowly leaving his shoulders. They stood there in the freezing cold for what felt like forever. But neither of them seemed to mind, because they were in their tiny little bubble, impenetrable, where no one could hurt them.

Finally, the older doctor broke the silence.

“Let’s go. You must be freezing.” 

“I’m about 5 minutes from hypothermia but I should be fine. I know a great doctor.” 

“Well, one of the most important principles of modern medicine is ‘prevent, not cure.’ Plus, I think someone has really missed you.”

———

“OMG Jenner st—“

Before she was ready to finish the sentence, she was already on the floor, laughing like a maniac. 

“You will be the death of me, Jenner.”

I’ll treat that as a compliment, Vic. But Christmas treats first, chatting later, lady!  

That’s how she thought the conversation went in the dog's head. Ethan helped her get up and took her coat. 

“I hope you are still not sleepy.”

“Not really, why?”

“Because I need a companion.”

“Always & with pleasure, but I assume you mean something else right now?”

“You minx. I want you to sit down comfortably, I’ll pour you a glass of wine. You can watch one of your favourite Christmas movies or play Christmas songs - whatever your heart desires.”

“Who are you and have you eaten my own Mr Grinch, Christmas-friendly creature?”

“I just need you to sit here whilst I’ll be working. Now go and get changed.” 

She obeyed quickly, which she always did when he used his commanding doctor voice on her. Whilst changing into leggings and a hoodie, some weird noises reached her ears, clearly coming from the living room. When Vicky came back, a glass of white wine sat on the coffee table. But that’s not what surprised her.

The 37-year old diagnostician was tangled in Christmas lights and so was Jenner, who thought his master was playing some sort of game with him and kept jumping around Ethan.

“What are you doing?”

“Well…since, because of me, you had to call off Christmas, I’m reinstating it. I will take all the decorations out while you’ll be sitting here doing nothing, maybe apart from instructing me on how to do it right. Does this sound like a fair punishment?”

“Only if you let me record this and post it on Pictagram.”

“Don’t cross the line, Valentine.”

“Ethan Ramsey, king of rhymes! Fine, I suppose I can still die happy knowing I’ve instilled the Christmas spirit into you.”

“Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to actually dump you in the forest…”

“Talk to the hand, Gramps!”

 ---------

Christmas Day

Christmas mornings were always rushed and crazy at the Valentine household. Although Vicky loved Christmas in her family home, she didn’t know how much she actually enjoyed the lazy, easy Christmas mornings until she was able to experience it. And she couldn’t be more content that it was with Ethan.

Mercifully, he let her sleep until 9am (obviously, he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t mumble something about her sleeping too long and how she was able to function like this, but she completely ignored the remarks) and then brought her breakfast to bed, which she consumed in its entirety, with a little help from Jenner. The most important meal of the day had been delivered with a complimentary kiss, which was her favourite part.

“Ethan!” She shouted from the bedroom, not quite ready to leave the comfort of his bed. The older doctor left her with the food and went to prepare them both a cup of coffee.

“Jesus Christ woman, you’re so loud I’m starting to consider getting rid of my stereo.”

“Oh, it didn’t seem to bother you last night.” She winked at him and he grinned involuntarily. How was it possible that she was in possession of his facial expressions too?

“Anyway, can you please remind me what time we have to be there tonight?”

“Be where tonight?”

“Naveen’s Christmas Party.”

“We’re not going.”

“Yes, we are.”

“No, we are not.” 

“Ok, let me rephrase this: me and my unearthly seductive dress are definitely in attendance. If you and Your Royal Grumpiness wish to stay home, be my guests.”

“You don’t play fair.”

“All’s fair in love and war.”

“You know how much I hate rubbing shoulders with idiots in bowties.”

“I do, but let me offer some consolation. This time, you don’t have to do this, because we are not raising any donations. Also, we can laugh at those idiots together and if either of us is stuck in a pointless conversation, the other can always rescue them.”

He couldn’t argue with her logic, instead pulling her close against his chest and kissing the top of her head.

Later this evening 

“V, how much longer until you are ready?” Ethan was growing impatient. He hated waiting and just couldn’t understand what took her so long. He was convinced that even wearing a garbage bag, she’d be the most stunning woman in the room.

“Ethan, nothing has changed since you’ve asked me 5 minutes ago.”

“Fine, but don’t be surprised if I leave without you.” 

“No you won’t. But for someone who didn’t want to go at all not longer than 8 hours ago you are quite eager now. Call me an influencer.”

“I’ll call you whatever you want if this means we can leave soon. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can come back.”

“Whatever I want? Bad move Ramsey, bad move.” 

“I’ll sho—“

He turned around and the words got stuck in his throat at the sight unveiling in front of him. She looked like a freaking goddess, who decided to descend from Mount Olympus and grace the mortals with her presence.

“You were saying?”

“I..I… you..well..” For a man so educated he now sounded less articulate than a toddler. To make things worse, a certain body part painfully reminded him that behind the facade of accomplishments, he was still a primate. 

“Ethan, could you stop talking so much? I can’t hear my own thoughts.” She laughed and it was so infectious that he couldn’t help but smile. 

She decided to wear a long, black gown, with a thigh high split showing her slim, tanned legs that he was a total sucker for. The ensemble was complimented by crystal embellished sandals and glamorous drop earrings. 

“I’ve never seen anyone whose insides matched their outsides so accurately. To me, you are perfect.”

Her heart stopped and she felt butterflies waltzing through her stomach. No matter how many times Ethan complimented her, she always felt like Cupid punched her right in the face. And she hoped the feeling would never fade or disappear.

“So you watched Love Actually with me yesterday.”

“Watched is an overstatement. I might have peeked a few times.” Ethan cleared his throat. “Can we go now?”

“Absolutely not. Did the Edenbrook gala not teach you that if you need to attend an event you are not particularly excited about, you shouldn’t go sober?”

“I suppose you have a point here. One drink.”

“Three.”

“Two.”

“Deal! Pleasure doing business with you, Dr Ramsey.” 

Ethan poured them both a glass of his best scotch. Before she was able to take a sip, he stopped her with his hand. “I’d like to propose a toast.”

“Fire away.”

“To curing the incurable. In medicine and in life.” He sent her a sweet, genuine smile that made her heart beat ten times faster.

Then, they made some bets about what’s going to happen during this year’s party, who’s going to get so wasted that they will be forced to perform a walk of shame for months to come. For the whole time, the younger doctor couldn’t shake the feeling that he is studying her.

“What is it? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, I’ve spent too much time with you for my observation skills not to improve insanely. Like it or not, you created a monster.”

“I like to think of it as making the world a better place… nevertheless, I’m impressed, Dr Valentine. For a 3rd year resident your skills are exquisite.” 

She put her hand on her heart and smiled. All the compliments she’s ever received in her life faded in comparison to one from Ethan Ramsey. Her high school hero, her inspiration and she still couldn’t quite believe it, the man she was now sharing her life with. 

“Now, if you’ll allow me, I must order a cab now, otherwise I may lose a battle soon.”

“What battle?”

Ethan looked at her, lust flooding from his eyes. He quickly stepped behind her and gripped her waist, then leaned into her ear, catching it ever so gently with his lips. This alone was enough for her knees to give out and she was never more grateful for the kitchen island and the fact she was holding onto it for dear life. But he didn’t stop there. He whispered into her ear and no other sounds in the world could compare to the symphony of his voice, dripping with desire.

“The one in my mind, between my rational mind and my primal desire, urging me to rip off this dress and devour you right now.”

Goosebumps spread across her body, a painful reminder of the fact that maybe her mind and mouth could lie to Ethan, but her body couldn’t. Damn it.

She knew it was a matter of milliseconds before she’d be unable to make a rational decision, so she quickly slipped from Ethan’s grip and whispered: “You should order it now then.” Then, she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“Oh, you’re gonna make me work for it, aren’t you?”

“Well, that’s only part of the reason. The other, bigger part is that I just really, really want to show up at this party with my insanely hot boyfriend by my side, without finally having to hide and pretend. Unless…he’s ashamed of me.” 

“Vic, there are a lot of things in my life that have ‘shame’ and ‘you’ in one sentence. I’m ashamed of running away from you to Amazon. I’m ashamed of denying my feelings for so long. I’m ashamed of hurting you, more than once. But to have you by my side, to finally call you mine? That’s my greatest pride. Now, shall we?” He offered her a wide smile and his arm.

“You asshole. First, you try to seduce me and then you make me cry. Let’s go then, Naveen is going to kill us. I promised we’re only gonna be fashionably late.”

———————

The party was already bustling when they arrived, the room filled with chatter of many guests in attendance. The event was Naveen’s pride and a tribute to his many years as one of the most important figures in today’s medicine. It was almost like Elton John’s Oscars after party - everyone wanted to be there. Being there made Vicky feel special, but more than that, uneasy - she was still just a resident and somehow felt like she didn’t belong there. At least, not yet.

In the background, the string quartet played classical versions of popular songs and carols. The venue was impressive, located within one of Boston’s most prestigious hotels, whose owner was Naveen’s - obviously - long time friend. 

The second Dr Banerji spotted them, he practically ran in their direction, almost bumping into one of the guests.

“Well well, if this isn’t my favourite pair of doctors. Dr Valentine, you look like you walked out of one of Botticelli’s paintings.”

“Enough with the formalities. I’m so happy to see you, Naveen! Merry Christmas.” She hugged the old doctor tightly and although initially surprised by this display of affection, he instantly relaxed and returned the hug.

“Merry Christmas, my dear.” 

“It’s quite something, this party of yours Naveen. You’ve outdone yourself.”

“Why, thank you. You know what my favourite part is?” He locked arms with the younger doctor and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “This party satiates my hunger for gossip for months to come. And I’m pretty sure this evening will be, for many reasons, unforgettable. Enjoy your evening, my friends, I shall see you around.” 

Naveen winked at Vicky and Ethan felt like there was some sort of unspoken agreement between them, one that he wasn’t a part of.

“What was that about?”

“What was what about?”

“I know you and I know Naveen. Something is off here.” 

“Ethan Ramsey, are you jealous? FYI, I don’t fancy older men. Oh no, wait. I totally do.” She was trying really hard to stay serious, but failed miserably.

“Very funny, Valentine.”

“Sorry Gramps. This one you were totally asking for.”

“I’m gonna go get us some real drinks, I need to hydrate myself heavily if I’m to survive the evening.”

“Don’t cloud your judgement too much, Ethan. You may need it.” 

Maybe he was imagining the whole exchanging looks thing between Vicky and Naveen. But now he was certain she’s hiding something. And he intended to find out what it is or he was not Dr Ethan Ramsey. 

After he fetched them the drinks, they found their seats and soon Naveen made his annual speech, summarising the whole year and thanking tons of people. Vicky loved experiencing Naveen as a speaker, he didn’t have Ethan’s commanding presence, but his years of experience and sincerity in his voice made everyone listen with absolute silence.

He then joined them at the table. Of course he sat us with him, Ethan thought.

“Naveen, if you think I’m going to be your source of hospital gossip, think again.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. We don’t spend as much time in the hospital together and I miss my dear friends.”

Before he was able to respond, Vicky pinched his thigh under the table and sent him a murderous look. 

“We miss you too, Naveen. Now, why don’t you two catch up properly, whilst I’m gonna go and do my round of talks, there are a couple of people I wanted to chat with.”

“Sure, feed me to the lions, Vic.”

“When have you become such a drama queen, Ethan? If I wanted to feed you to the lions, you’d be standing over there.” She pointed her finger to the corner of the room, where some big pharma executives were enjoying themselves. She waved friendly in their direction, and they responded in kind.

“Alright gentlemen, I need to run before they catch me.”  

Before she turned around, her and Naveen shared meaningful looks, but before Ethan had a chance to ask, she was already gone. Plus, Naveen changed the subject and the two immersed themselves in a very interesting conversation, which reminded Ethan how much he liked his mentor, not as a doctor, but genuinely as a human being. This made him one of a few people Ethan truly liked.

Dr Ramsey was one of those people who, when they were focused - whether on the case, on the conversation or on watching an opera - dedicated their attention entirely to said activity. Which was probably the reason why the sounds coming from the stage took him by surprise. He didn’t realise that the string quartet had been replaced by a group of young people, who started playing more lively. 

No longer than 30 seconds later, someone started singing, but the voice was not coming from the stage. It was coming from behind. Suddenly, all the guests turned their heads around as one. 

The snow's coming down

I'm watching it fall

Lots of people around

Baby please come home

The angelic voice belonged to a beautiful girl in a black gown. She sat on a bar stool, side-facing everyone. Suddenly, she jumped from the seat and started walking towards the stage, each step sensual.

The church bells in town

All ringing in song

Full of happy sounds

Baby please come home

Ethan must have looked like an absolute idiot, because he sat there gaping like a fish.

They're singing "Deck The Halls"

But it's not like Christmas at all

'Cause I remember when you were here

And all the fun we had last year

Once on the stage, she owned both the stage and the crowd. Some people started dancing, others clapped to the rhythm and sang with her. When she finished and took a bow, the audience applauded her generously. 

“Good evening everyone. I’m Vicky and I’m a doctor at Edenbrook Hospital. Thank you for organising this amazing event, Naveen, and thanks for having me. And now, please meet these amazing musicians, whom I have the honour of calling my friends. Back in high school we formed a band, which we called Valentine’s Day… that was a very accurate name on many levels.” She chuckled and the crowd followed. 

“You are looking at people who never gave up on their dreams and now play in some amazing venues. I couldn’t be more proud of them. It would have been the same for me, most likely, if it wasn’t for a book, which I’m sure a lot of you ladies and gentlemen are familiar with. It’s called Diagnostics Principles. After I read it, nothing was the same. And here I am, all these years later, getting covered in blood and sweat almost every day. But today, I can at least bask in the glory of the amazing people standing here with me.”  

“I’d like to dedicate this next song to the author of the above mentioned book. He changed my life in more ways than he can realise. And although I promised him we will not exchange any Christmas presents, I haven’t spent any money on this one, so technically it doesn’t count, right?” She earned another amused reaction from the crowd.

“It’s my favourite Christmas song and I’m so honoured to be able to sing it for you.”

The subtle sounds of a piano reverberated in the room and she started singing, her voice pure and powerful.

O Holy night

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth

Ethan couldn’t move or breathe. He just stared, completely transfixed. 

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

'Til He appears and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

To hear her singing was one thing. To feel all the things the act was doing to him, was completely different. With every sound produced by her vocal cords, a new, overwhelming sensation was born inside of him.

Fall on your knees

O hear the Angel voices

O night divine

O night when Christ was born

O night divine

O night

Oh night divine

Their eyes locked and she sent him a look so full of affection that he felt a warm tear flowing down his cheek. 

For him, it was anything but watching a performance. It was a spiritual experience. Towards the end of the song, she hit the notes so high, that he couldn’t help but look around the room. Everyone was in awe of her. And he was never prouder to call her “his”.

After the last bits of instruments resonated, the guests gave her a standing ovation. Ethan clapped his hands so hard that they hurt. He even whistled on his fingers which he hasn’t done since high school. To hell with it, he thought. 

And then he ran, knowing that in a second he will not be able to squeeze through the crowd of admirers. He scooped her in his arms and kissed her with so much passion that she felt dizzy.

“Wow, that was different.”

“What do you mean?”

“The kiss, it felt different.”

“There are so many things I want to say right now, but I can’t do it here. How much longer do we have to stay?”

“I promised the guys I will sing a couple more songs with them and then I wanted to introduce you and have a drink together. After that, we’re free to go.”

“Deal.”

——

“My feet are killing me. I don’t know how I survived in those heels, but I’m walking barefoot for the next 2 days.” 

“How fitting since I’m not going to let you out of this apartment until we have to go back to work.”

“I’m gonna go get changed in my PJ’s”

“Ah, not that soon.” Ethan said with a devilish smile and then approached her, reaching for her hand. “May I have this dance?”

“Although I’m tempted to say no to Dr Ramsey just to prove a point, I could never say no to Ethan.” She took a bow and gave him her hand.

“Lucky me. I just wanted to dance with you away from the prying eyes. For the whole evening everyone stared at you. I’m a selfish man and I was counting the minutes until I have the view all to myself.”

The sounds of Something by The Beatles started seeping from a glamorous gramophone.

“The Beatles? I didn’t take you for the type who’d listen to them.”

“Frank Sinatra christened this song the ‘greatest love song ever written.’ And who am I to argue with him?”

For a moment they swayed in silence, cheek to cheek. Then, the older doctor leaned back and looked her straight in the eye.

“So, you are not great at keeping promises, are you?” He mumbled playfully. 

“You mean the “let’s not exchange gifts” thing? I stand by what I said earlier, I haven’t spent a dime on it, so it doesn’t count.”

“It’s funny that you don’t even begin to realise how wrong you are.” He was very serious but there was a rare gentleness in his voice. “First of all, you mentioned you had a band in high school and that you sang but you never told me that you practically traded being a music star for being a doctor.” She blushed shyly at the compliment.

“Secondly, when you sang, I just couldn’t take my eyes off of you. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard and I consider myself an audiophile.”

“Coming from you, this is officially the biggest praise ever. I will have this printed and framed. You may even get an autograph if you play your cards right.”

“Shut up, I haven’t finished. You can ruin the moment later.” Ethan playfully swatted her arm. 

“With you, I am discovering parts of myself I never knew existed. And I’m strangely content with this. So, to sum up, all of the above makes me feel very guilty that I didn’t get you anything.”

“Ethan, you don’t have to give me anything. But it’s funny you said that, because you don’t even begin to realise how wrong you are.” She was proud of herself for being able to use his own words as a counterargument. 

“Actually, you gave me the biggest gift yesterday: a real part of you. I’m guessing, actually it’s more than a guess, that this is not something you shared with many people.”

“I haven’t shared this with anyone.”

“And that’s the biggest gift I could ever ask for. I want to be the person who helps you carry the cross, no matter how heavy it is.”

He pressed her even tighter against his chest and rested his chin on her head. But he felt the need to express all the other things his words couldn’t, so he gently lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers. She tasted and smelled divine. On a very basic level, she smelled like coconut and mango. 

To him, she smelled like spring, summer, autumn and winter. Like a promise of sun after the storm. Like home. Ethan finally found his home, his safe haven.

The kiss made her feel dizzy again and then she remembered.

“So, the kiss. It feels different. Why?” She looked at him so innocently it almost made him sweat. Ethan cupped her cheek as if he was holding the most precious thing in his palm… and for him, he was.

 “When you were singing for me, I made a promise. From now on, whenever I kiss you, I want to make it feel like it’s the last time, but also a promise of the million more kisses we will share. Merry Christmas, Vicky.”

“Merry Christmas, Ethan.”

***************************

If you made it this far, from the bottom of my heart - thank you & you are awesome! I wish you all the best in 2021, let’s hope it’s a better year for us all :)

Tag list: @genevievemd | @terrm9 | @starrystarrytrouble | @danijimenezv | @mercury84choices | @maurine07 | @gryffindordaughterofathena | @jamespotterthefirst | @justanotherrookie | @alwaysmychoices | @takeharryandgo | @beckaroo | @lucy-268 | @aarisa-frost | @openheartfanfics | @caseyvalentineramsey | @brooks-eden | @heauxplesslydevoted | @iemcpbchoices | @lovingramsey​ 

[hargrove-mayfields]

Autistic max? I’m all in -🦖

yes!! Max being on the spectrum is one of my favorite headcanons! Here’s a bit of my thoughts and hcs for you anon! <3

okay so first i wanna talk a little about where this hc came from! this idea was born in my head for a multitude of reasons, but the general summary is this:

-she misses a lot of social+emotional cues! she didn’t pick up on just how annoyed Mike was with her in the gym and kept pushing until El intervened, she didn’t detect any of Lucas’ panic or frustration when he was explaining the upside down to her until he touches her, and when el is jealous and just not interested in meeting her, she seems to be completely unfazed by that until she walks away. also every scene she has with Billy, he’s very shut off and she seems to be confused about what she’s expected to say, missing that he’s angry until he’s lashing out, and idk to me it just seems like she doesn’t really have a grasp on understanding others’ emotions!

-similarly, she only seems to react in the face of immediate danger, as if she’s a lot of the time unaware of how bad things truly are around her. like when she’s helping to find dart without even knowing what’s going on, driving a whole muscle car and going down into the tunnels without a hint of fear, seeming barely concerned when the mindflayer was about to drop through the ceiling. it’s almost like she has trouble fully processing the consequences of certain things, which could also explain why she sneaks out even though she probably knows what Neil is like and the fact that it could potentially put her in danger.

-the way she dresses just screams tactile sensitivity! she doesn’t ever wear anything flowy, any scratchy materials, and even at the snowball, where we see Susan fussing over her, she’s still dressed for comfort. what young girl with a mother clearly interested in making her pretty is going to get away with wearing jeans to a school dance if she doesn’t have sensory issues?

-also, whenever she gets upset she seems to shut down. like she almost never talks to Billy after he yells at her unless it’s necessary, when her and Lucas are talking on top of the bus it definitely seems like she’s struggling to voice her feelings or put words to her emotions, when Billy’s in the sauna, after he’s activated she starts turning in on herself, and after his death she’s just sitting in his room. like maybe she doesn’t really understand her own emotions that well either.

I’m not really viewing any of this as like, solid evidence or anything btw, these are just some things I’ve noticed about her as an autistic girl her age and living in a very similar situation that I think are neat and relatable!

onto the stuff I literally made up because I love her!

-Susan gives me autism mommy vibes. Like, making it her identity that she has a child with autism, and at times that can get super frustrating for Max because she hates being her mom’s little trophy daughter, gossiped about at all the potlucks so people feel sorry for her. Her absolute least favorite thing is “She’s such a handful.” and when Susan pulls the I’m so lonely because of taking care of you card to make her feel bad. Especially because she doesn’t feel very taken care of, once she’d hit a certain age her mother decided she’d be alright without all that “kid stuff” and basically tossed her into the world on her on. (hence why she’s Billys responsibility)

-In the 80s (and still now if we’re being entirely honest) it was very normal to just throw a casual r slur into conversation and it kills Max every time her friends say it, especially Mike because she thinks he’s being mean and doesn’t like her. She doesn’t know how to explain to them that that hurts her feelings because she doesn’t even know how to bring it up that she’s autistic. Billy tells her once to try to cheer her up that he could beat them up for her but she cries even harder because that’s what she doesn’t want, is for them to think she’s overreacting. He feels bad and tries to make up for it bringing it up with some of the moms of the group and asking that they tell their kids to stop using that word ever.

-In California she was in special ed classes, but Hawkins Middle deems that not necessary for someone of her “functioning level” (yuck) and she gets landed in coed instead. It might’ve been alright if that was how she started her education, but she was already used to classes of four or five kids like her, and she just cannot learn in that new environment. So she does really, really bad in school her first year in Hawkins. She feels kind of self conscious around her friends because they’re all so smart and her grades make her feel stupid even though it’s not her fault, and that’s why she kinda drifts towards being close with El because she struggles with learning things too.

-Smells are probably her worst overstimulation triggers. Things like cigarette smoke, fresh brewed coffee, her moms perfume, cooking and baking smells, the automatic air freshener thing, candles. Pretty much anything stronger than the smell of water is just overwhelming for her, especially if there’s something else already working her up, because then a whiff of something too strong can put her straight into a meltdown. Billy decides to quit smoking for her (he’ll never admit that, he’s adamant that it was because it was messing with his lung capacity and he’s trying to work out) and he also does things like buy Susan a new, less offensive perfume for her birthday and open windows to get stuffy air out of the house. They never really talk about what that does for her but like, that’s part of how they start getting closer, is when he starts making little accommodations for her like that.

-In addition to smells, there are very specific sounds she can’t stand. It’s not all loud noises, some of them like the rev of Billy’s car or a bass guitar at an outdoor amphitheater are some of her favorites, but the ones she doesn’t like, she really hates. Things like styrofoam, dishes hitting off of each other, something scratching against ice that builds up in the freezer, TV static, the toaster popping up or the oven beeping, and people who can’t chew with their mouths closed (looking at you Billy, keep that gum in your mouth please) all make her feel gross. She’ll try to physically shake off the way those sounds make her feel but sometimes they’re just too much and she shuts down for a while until she gets to hear something else. In that case usually really quiet music or someone talking to her quietly can reel her back in.

-Her interests vary a lot! The longest she’s ever held one special interest was a Miss Piggy phase! Susan liked that she was showing interest in a feminine character because of a lot of her si’s were tomboyish, but Max liked Piggy because she knew karate and punched people who laughed at her or tried to make her feel bad about herself! She has all sorts of Piggy collectibles, like toys, bed sheets, posters, books, mugs and watches! Otherwise her interests and fixations tend to come and go pretty quickly, like one week she could want to know everything there is to know about pro skaters, and the next she’s into the history of circuses! She liked cars for a little while and Billy was really excited to indulge in that and let her get familiar with the camaro, but she shifted to video games pretty soon after and he had to let it drop.

-Another interest that’s also pretty constant for her is nature! Not only for the sensory experience of it, listening to leaves rustle and birds chirp and water rush, but also all the knowledge about it. She can identify any type of flower, grass, tree, critter, or fungus! When she’s melting down and needs to be away from the house, she asks Billy to take her to the state park so she can just sit and be quiet and calm down on a fallen tree or a swing set somewhere. They do have some woods behind their house but she’s too afraid to venture out there and prefers to be out with her brother anyways.

-Stims! She’ll fiddle with zippers and buttons and loose threads constantly to the point that they buy her three or four of the same jackets and shirts for when she inevitably breaks them. She also chews on sleeves and hoodie strings a lot. Other tactile stims she favors are string tricks and braiding and tieing knots! Braiding her and Billy’s hair is something she’ll do anytime she needs to feel grounded, and she has a whole bunch of those little wooden boards that kids use to learn how to tie their shoes to tie knots with. She also always has a pocketful of yarn, and her favorite thing to make with them is a spider web or a star!

-Sort of related to her fascination with string is that her shoelaces never ever match, she has like a whole drawer in her room full of different ones to change them out! (and she has Miss Piggy Bow Biters to put on them!)

-She’s also a very verbal stimmer at times! Giggles for days with Max, if she’s excited, happy, nervous, whatever, she’s giggling. Humming and mimicking too, like if she hears a sound she likes she’ll try to make it, whether it be part of a song or something she hears outside. But if she is sad she’ll get as quiet as a mouse.

Idk these are just like my sort of canon compliant hcs I guess? Like what I feel would be true for her in the timeline and storyline of the show!

[mischiefandspirits]

Doppelgänger (15/19)

Previously on Doppelgänger ~ Masterlist ~ Next time on Doppelgänger

Danny, Sam, and Tucker were just 14 when they took a look inside the portal Danny’s parents had built. From there, everything changed. They woke up with white hair, green skin, and powers they could learn to control. They were hybrids, halfas.

They were the hero Doppelgänger.

{Doctor's Disorders}

“Ugh, what is that smell?” Danny asked as he and Valerie approached Tucker.

“This,” Tucker held up a spray can. “It’s my new all-over body spray. I made it myself, I call it Foley by Tucker Foley. It combines with your natural odor to create a sweet, manly scent that smells different to everyone who sniffs it.”

Their noses scrunched up as Tucker started spraying himself.

“Tuck, you smell like a sweaty cookie.”

“By choice. The ladies will be swarming all over me.”

“Doubtful,” Valerie snorted. “You smell horrible.”

He pointed at her with the can. “You don’t count. You’re already dating Dan-”

The can slipped from his hand and clattered to the ground, spraying Valerie in the process.

She scowled as the smell of sports bra and sugar cookies washed over her. “You better hope this washes out,” she growled and shoved past him towards the locker room. Thankfully she had first period free so she could shower and drown her clothes in perfume. It didn’t completely help, but it was better. Maybe she should consider keeping a spare set of clothes in her locker. It’d help for the times she tears her clothes in a fight.

“Anyone in here?” Tetslaff called just as she finished fixing her hair.

“I’m here,” she said, tossing her mini curling iron into her locker. She grabbed her bag and walked towards the door to see Tetslaff eyeing her.

“You feeling okay, Gray? Any bug bites?”

“No. I’m fine. Why?”

“All students need to report to the gym. Anyone else here?”

She shook her head. “Bailey was in here, but she left a few minutes ago.

The PE teacher nodded and escorted her to the gym. She was surprised to see the entire student body either sitting or laying on the floor and bleachers, most of whom were glowing. The teachers were hovering over everyone as a man in a doctor’s uniform drifted through, occasionally stopping to talk to the students.

When he saw her, he came over. “And who do we have here?”

“Valerie Gray, what’s going on?”

“What symptoms is she showing?” he asked Tetslaff, ignoring Valerie’s question.

“None as far as I’ve seen,” she grunted and the doctor frowned behind his mask.

“Interesting. She’s the fourth one. Sit her with the others.” He gestured to the corner and Valerie smiled to see Danny, Sam, and Tucker waiting there.

They looked surprised when she joined them and Danny pulled her into a hug. “You okay?”

“Other than still smelling a little awful, I’m perfect. What’s going on?” she asked, pulling back but staying pressed into his side.

Sam gestured to the other students. “Some sort of ghost bug, literally. A whole swarm attacked the school and started phasing into people, resulting in that. You didn’t notice?”

“I’ve been in the showers.” She sent Tucker a look and he ducked behind Sam. “None of you got the bug?”

They shook their heads and Danny pointed off to the side, “Jazz did though.”

Valerie looked over to see Danny’s sister curled up on a mat, her body fuzzy at the edges. “Well, there goes the idea that prolonged exposure to ghost hunting equipment is what’s protecting us. Are your parents doing anything?”

Danny shrugged. “We’ve been in here the whole time. The doctor said he wanted us close since we’re the only ones showing signs of immunity. And they took our phones so I can’t call my parents.”

She smirked and took out her phone. “Looks like they forgot to take mine.”

Danny took it and the three crowded around him to keep him from sight.

“Do your parents have something that could fix this?” Sam asked as Danny dialed.

He thought about it for a second then smiled. “Mom, Dad… Yeah, I’m okay… Really? That’s weird. Why wouldn’t they tell you anything? Nevermind, I’ll explain everything, but can you guys grab the Ghost Catcher before you leave?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is it just me or does Dr. Rand look really mad that his patients are being cured?” Valerie hummed.

Said doctor was currently standing off to the side as the teachers lead students through the ghost catcher, Danny’s parents sucking up the ghost bugs as they were pulled out.

Jazz took in his scowl with a frown. “Maybe it’s a pride thing? He was pretty much useless.”

“Or maybe he was part of a government conspiracy to experiment on us while we possessed ghost abilities,” Sam suggested.

“Sounds like something the Guys in White would do,” Danny muttered sleepily from his spot in Valerie’s lap.

“He’s a doctor. All doctors are evil,” Tucker agreed.

“What’s his problem?” Valerie whispered to her boyfriend.

“He’s afraid of doctors, nurses, hospitals, so on.”

“What’d you say his name was again?” Jazz asked, still staring at the man.

“Dr. Bert Rand.”

“Bertrand? Like Ms. Spectra’s gh-assistant?” Jazz stuttered.

The trio turned to her, then groaned, “Oh my god, we’re idiots.”

Valerie frowned as their voices nudged at her, but pushed it aside as Jazz asked, “What?”

“Spectra was a ghost, same for Bertrand. They must be behind the attack on the school,” Sam explained.

Valerie narrowed her eyes and moved Danny off of her. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Jazz bit her lip as the girl left, then nudged Danny. “You three should go too. You, uh, don’t know when you might get another chance.”

They frowned, but agreed quickly and left.

Jazz smiled and leaned back. Those three could take care of the ghosts. Now she just needed an excuse for when Valerie got back.

{Pirate Radio}

Jazz sighed as she relaxed on her blanket, only to frown when someone started messing with the radio.

She sat up to glare at Tucker. “Knock it off!”

He held up his hands and backed up.

“Come on, Jazz. This music bites,” Danny said. “It’s our turn to pick something to listen to.”

“I like it. It relaxes me.”

“Well, we do outnumber you four to one,” Valerie pointed out.

Jazz grabbed the radio and held it close to her, scowling at the younger teens that she had joined on the Ops Center for stargazing.

Just then, the ground began to rumble and a pirate ship of all things burst intangibly out of the street.

Jazz jumped to her feet and gestured her brother back. “Danny, you, Sam, and Tucker need to go. Uh, go get our parents. Downstairs. Out of view.”

“R-right, we’ll go get them,” Tucker said and the trio ran off.

“I thought your parents were out,” Valerie said.

“Oops, I forgot.” Jazz turned to the girl and was surprised to see her pulling a ghost pistol out of her bag.

The girl froze. “Oh, uh, Danny gave it to me. For, you know, protection?”

As cute as it was that Danny was so worried about his girlfriend, Jazz would have to talk to him about handing out weapons of all things.

“Got anything else in there?”

Valerie tossed her a thermos just as a group of pirate ghosts landed on the Ops Center. The two girls went to work blasting and sucking up ghosts. Jazz saw a pair heading for the shield and pointed them out to Valerie, but Danny or one of his partners cut them off. She turned back to the main group of pirates and smiled when she saw the other two flying through the air.

She frowned when they seemed to fire on nothing. “What are they doing?”

Valerie looked up, then gave her an incredulous look. “Fighting the ghost captain.”

“I don’t see anything.”

“Weird,” she shot a headless pirate and Jazz sucked him in. “Can you hear him?”

“No.”

“Lucky you. He’s a brat. Maybe eight or nine years… Okay, so he’s eleven. Like that makes a big difference,” she snorted. Then her eyes widened and she barrelled into Jazz.

Something exploded behind them.

“You’ve never babysat, have you? Jazz asked as they picked themselves up. “Kids don’t like to be told they’re younger than they think they are.”

“I’ve only babysat actual babies. They don’t talk back,” Valerie said.

The ghost ship flickered then disappeared.

“What happened?”

“Doppelgänger caught the brat.”

The sound of a guitar-strumming echoed around them and two of Danny’s trio slammed into the ground in front of the girls.

“Ember’s back,” they said, rubbing their heads. “You guys might want to either get inside or put on Specter Deflectors before you get hypnotized.”

“M. Bersback? The guy who gave us that awful Vapor Drone? He’s a ghost?” Valerie asked.

They stared at her blankly, then one threw their hands in the air. “Oh come on! That's not a clue. That's a billboard! We really got to start paying more attention to these things!”

{Reign Storm, Part 1}

“Did you get the book report done?” Valerie asked as she passed Danny a water bottle.

“Mm-hm.” He took the bottle and tried to drink it.

“Lid Danny,” she chuckled.

He scowled and took the lid off. “I think you beat the ghost out of me.”

“Then I did my job,” she chuckled. “Seriously though, you’re doing really good.”

“Can I have my black belt then?”

“Not quite. Now come on, we’ve still got fifteen minutes before we need to clean up.”

He groaned, but pushed himself to his feet and followed her over to the wrestling mat. Jazz had somehow talked Tobias, the wrestling coach, into letting them use it for their sparring in the morning after Tuesday’s practice in return for cleaning up after. It was a lot better than sparring at home, even if it did mean getting up way too early.

Of course, being at school meant there were sometimes distractions.

“Think fast, Fentoni!”

Danny turned just as Valerie caught the football that was headed for him.

“Unless you’re here to spar, then get lost, Dash,” she huffed, tossing the ball to Kwan.

“Spar with Fenton?” Dash laughed and Kwan joined in.

“You’d snap him in half before he could even throw his first punch!”

“I thought I said to get lost,” Valerie growled stepping between them and Danny.

Dash leered at him. “You gonna let a girl fight your battles.”

Danny raised an eyebrow as Valerie stiffened. “Now you f-ed up.”

“And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean, Baxter?” she asked, cracking her knuckles.

Kwan grabbed Dash’s shoulder and whispered something that made Dash pale.

“J-just that Fenton’s too weak to fight his own battles, he has to rely on his girlfriend to do it for him. I did-din’t mean, you know, that a girl couldn’t kick butt.”

“Nice save,” Danny said and Dash gave him a death glare.

“Leave,” Valerie said.

They did.

“I’m definitely going to pay for that later,” Danny chuckled as he got into position on the mat.

“If you’re not going to fight back then stop antagonizing him,” she said.

“I’ve considered fighting back.”

“Then why don’t you.”

Danny raised an eyebrow. “You haven’t met Sidney Poindexter, then.”

“Who?”

“He’s the ghost who haunts my locker. He gets huffy with me if I try to get back at Dash. I was putting my annoyingness to full use on Dash when we first met and Sidney is paranoid I’ll do it again. According to him, I’m just as much of a bully as Dash if I do and he hates bullies.”

“Need me to take care of him?”

“Nah, we’ve got a truce. He’s not too bad. I just can’t pull anything on Dash without risking a lecture from him. And he’s still learning modern slang so a lecture from him is even worse than one of Lancer’s hip and funky fresh talks.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Do you guys know why Nathan’s been giving me evil eyes?” Danny asked as the trio walked home.

“He’s got a crush on Valerie. He’s ticked you and her are dating,” Tucker explained.

“He came up to me the other day and tried to tell me I needed to, Get your cheating boyfriend away from my Valerie! It took me fifteen minutes to get him to back off and I think he still believes you’re two-timing Valerie and I,” Sam said.

“We’re dating? Sam, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down.”

Sam shoved him towards his stoop. “I want to break up. It’s not me, it’s you.”

“Okay, but I get Tucker in the divorce.”

Tucker shook his head and linked arms with Sam. “Sorry, Danny, but you knew I was a gold digger going into this.”

Sam shoved him away as well. “You can have him.”

“Changed my mind, he’s yours now.”

“You’re both awful,” Tucker fake whined and marched off.

“See you tomorrow,” the two yelled at his retreating back.

Danny turned to Sam. “Are you going to head out for patrol or do you want a snack first?”

“Depends, what’s the likelihood your food’s contaminated?”

“My mom and dad are partway through a new invention.”

“Pass.”

“You guys are ridiculous,” he called as she went to the nearest alleyway.

“Ectoplasm’s not a veggie,” she called back.

“Okay, fair,” he snorted and opened the door. “I’m home. Anything happen while -”

Danny cut off as he saw his family in the living room surrounding a certain fruit loop.

“Ah, hello, Daniel!”

“You!” he shouted, tossing his bag aside and marching up to the group. “What are you doing here?”

Some of his anger lifted as he saw his mom accidentally poor tea right onto Vlad’s lap. “Totally valid question.”

“Still steaming?” Vlad asked in his creepy stalker voice.

“You have no idea,” she growled.

Vlad turned his attention to Danny. “I was just, you know, passing through. And then I saw that marvelous battlesuit and thought, since I can't just destroy Jack and take it, I suppose I'll steal its secrets right out from under his nose!”

Danny’s fists clenched as Vlad met his dad’s eyes with a smile and the two started laughing.

“Oh I swear, I am such a josher,” he held his cup up to Danny’s mom. “More tea please.”

She poured it on his head.

“Not there! Ooh!”

Danny’s mom stomped off and his dad followed.

“I don't know what you're up to, Plasmius,” Danny started in a whisper, then blinked. “Actually, I do. You just told me.”

“That’s right! And say a word and I'll share your secret with your little friend.”

Danny stared at him blankly. “What friend?”

“Miss Gray.”

“How do you even -”

Danny was cut off when an alarm sounded through the house. His dad ran back into the room and hit a hidden button to bring up a radar system.

“Galloping goblets, it's the Ecto-Exodus Alarm!”

“The Ecto-whaty-what?” Jazz and Danny asked.

“The Ecto-Exodus Alarm! An alarm that only goes off when we're about to face a massive ghost invasion!”

Danny faked reaching into his pocket so he could grab the Fenton Phones out of his Space Fold. “I need to make a call!”

He felt Vlad’s eyes on his back as he ran upstairs, but ignored them.

“Sam, Tucker, please tell me one of you can hear me?” he said into the phones and through their link as he shut his door.

“What’s wrong?” Sam said.

“Ghost invasion. Big one. Coming right at us,” Danny said and transformed. “We need to get back here right now.”

Danny’s ghost sense went off.

“Too late.”

Danny flew out of the house as ghosts came pouring out of the portal and onto the street. His eyes landed on Johnny and Kitty and he flew towards them.

“Hey Thirteen, what’s going on?” he asked as he came level with the bike.

“You mean you haven’t heard?” Kitty said, turning to him. “Pariah Dark’s back.”

“Who?”

“If you don’t know, we’re not going to tell you,” Johnny snorted.

“Come on. We’ve been letting you mostly run wild as long as you don’t hurt anyone or destroy anything. Can’t you just tell us?”

Johnny growled and stopped the bike. “Look, we don’t know too much. He’s way, way before our time. All we know is that he’s called the King of All Ghosts and someone woke him up. Now he’s trashing the zone and looking for some ring that will give him ultimate power or something when paired with his crown. He’s powerful so everyone’s getting while the gettin’s good. Speaking of which.”

Johnny took off, but Danny didn’t bother to chase him. Instead, he turned to Sam as she joined him.

“This is bad. No kidding.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tucker flinched as his ghost sense went off for the fifteenth time. Where were all these ghosts coming from? He hoped he got into range of the mind link soon. Sam at least should be transformed so he should be getting close. Why did he have to choose today of all days to visit the gaming shop in Elmerton?

Someone blasted him and he groaned. He’d wanted to regroup with his partners before picking any fights. He turned to his opponent and groaned again. “What are you doing in town, fruit loop?”

“Haven’t we already been through this, Daniel?” Vlad asked flying closer and Tucker rolled his eyes.

So Danny or Sam have talked to him then. He hoped they were okay. “Refresh our memory.” Goosebumps swept over him and he gestured towards the ghost. “Are you the reason all these ghosts are around?”

“I’m flattered you think I could organize all this.”

“You’re right. We forgot you put everything into intelligence and strength. No way you could convince all these ghosts to listen with your charisma being a dump stat,” Tucker said, nodding. “Our bad.”

Vlad looked confused for a moment, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not here to play games, Daniel.”

“Then you’ve got the wrong half-ghost.” If he didn’t want jokes, he should have gone with Sam.

Vlad scowled at him, then he was being grabbed from behind. He looked up to see another Vlad holding him. The older halfa pinned one of his arms behind his back and held the other out to the first Vlad.

“Let go of us, creep!”

“Calm down, Daniel. I’m not going to hurt you,” Vlad one said, flying closer and grabbing his wrist. “I simply need you to hold onto something for me.”

“And why would we ever help you?”

Vlad one disconnected his glove from the hazmat and pulled it off, revealing green skin and black nails.

Wow, Sam would like those.

“Because this is a powerful relic,” Vlad two explained as Vlad one slipped a green and black ring onto Tucker’s middle finger. “One which I’m sure you’d want to keep safe and out of the hands of dangerous ghosts.”

“Like you?”

Vlad one smirked and replaced his glove.

“If it’s so powerful, why would you give it up?” Tucker asked as the Vlads let him go and merged together.

“That is for you to discover on your own. Ta!” He teleported away.

“We need to get a restraining order or something,” Tucker muttered, rubbing his shoulder. He glanced down at his hand uncertainly. Vlad could certainly have been lying, but if he wasn’t, Tucker couldn’t just toss the ring and risk it ending up in the wrong hands.

With a sigh, he continued on his way. The trio could figure this out together. Thankfully he only had to fly for a few minutes before his mind connected to Sam and Danny.

[deus-ex-knoxina]

neil josten, music major

so neil has to fulfill a fuckin fine arts requirement. UGH.

he is not a fan of this because it is not exy, it is not practical, it is not useful, it is not related to math he will never need it

but the administration thinks it’s necessary for some fuckin reason, so. he looks over all his options and chooses a music theory class, because out of all of his options it seems like the one least likely to actually make him do art. like, theory. that’s the opposite of practice. right???

but eventually he discovers, as so many disappointed music majors do, that music theory is fULL OF FUCKING MATH. SERIES AND SET THEORY EVERYWHERE. M A T H.

unlike the other people in his class, who are generally either a) music majors or b) non-music majors who are also not math majors and really just wanted to get this GE out of the way, neil is t h r i l l e d

he just happened to stumble on the ONE branch of fine arts, as far as he knows, that actually contains math. so this is like. him just using stuff he learned in math classes two semesters ago. the professor loves him

this is long but tumblr is absolutely refusing to let me put in a read more im so sorry. pretend it was here

(the professor also isn’t quite sure why neil was completely apathetic about the class until she introduced the concept of a harmonic series, since a harmonic series is not a very intellectually exciting topic, but he’s engaged and putting in effort so! not gonna question that too hard!)

and listen, at this point, neil knows his major doesn’t matter. he’s going to be a pro exy player. his classes are just a way of giving him a few extra years to train before he starts looking at contracts.

and he is someone who appreciates intellectual challenges. this is a man who decided to major in math. math. and neil finds the whole concept of music theory interesting, because it’s so... irrelevant to survival? someone invented music, and then later on, someone decided to analyze music, and now it’s a whole ass field of study

he finds himself signing up for another music theory class for the next semester. presumably, it’ll get more complicated as he gets further in. more math.

also, music is something neil can’t quite work out how to conquer yet-- the subjectivity involved, and the understanding of phrasing and rhetoric, is exactly the same stuff he has trouble with in writing. his ear is nowhere near as good as most of the other people in the class, because neil has never been someone who listens to music a lot, if ever.

it’s a challenge. neil josten does not back down from that shit. he tackled learning languages, beat math into submission, and is well on his way to conquering exy. and he’s a little tempted to make music theory his newest victory.

the music theory major doesn’t have a lot of required courses, enough that he could easily switch majors. part of neil rebels at the idea of majoring in something so impractical-- the part of him that still remembers mary’s advice and yells at him for not hiding from cameras.

neil listens to this part of him, and he does what he does best: he tells it to fuck right off. as long as neil plays exy, it doesn’t matter what else he does.

he goes to that music theory I professor and asks her to be his advisor and help him figure out changing his major, and she is still completely mystified but at the same time strangely honored? because her class made this math major who was clearly only taking it for the GE completely change his mind and decide to study music. hELL yeah.

she does warn him that music is a time-intensive major, but neil dismisses that. he’s never really listened to music before. he can start. he doesn’t need to keep his ears open for cars or passerby while he’s out on runs anymore. he can listen to music then, and when he’s doing warmups

he also forces kevin and andrew to listen to the music out loud with him at night practice. they’re not amused but also what are they gonna say?? no?? this is a weird new Phase Of Neil but he’s happy so. they give in.

also the professor was 100% right and neil is swamped for the rest of his time in college, but he’s also not a performance major so that saves him a lot of time because he’s not taking lessons or anything.

and he starts figuring out how piano works. he has to search up some tutorials, but he knows how to read music now, and it’s not a great leap to translate sheet music to a piano. neil’s hands carry a lot of significance to him-- they’re scarred, and they are one of the keys to his success at exy-- but this is the first time he’s ever used them to produce something beautiful.

also, he uses them to produce things that are horrifically ugly. really just the worst noises you can imagine on a piano. because neil is still neil.

he also discovers that kevin is surprisingly good at picking up melodies, because at one point kevin corners him and angrily hums a few bars of a gluck piece before asking what the hell it’s called because it’s been stuck in his head for two days and he can’t get it out

neil desperately tries to get the orange notes to let him compose a new palmetto fight song for them. by the end of his third year, he wears them down.

at the foxes’ first game in neil’s senior year, fifth-year andrew takes one step into the inner court for warmups and says, ‘did you fucking write that?’

he sure did and neil josten is like a proud mama listening to the orange notes play their new fight song.

he yells out some notes during the game. christy is half a beat off for like half of the b section and she’s messing up the other trumpets. he likes the extra flourishes the drum section has added. the backliner marking him is utterly baffled

unsurprisingly, he still finds a way to make his senior thesis about sports

[rhiezus]

Special Q&A with Moon Nayoung.

now that you’re not an actress anymore, the world is dying to know: what is moon nayoung doing?

what a pesky devil of you. it’s not like i’m very busy but it’s not i want to be busy, so eating well, sleeping well, travelling, picking different hobbies, spending a lot of time on youtube. i’m unemployed, but gladly.

do you ever plan on acting again?

noo, i loved acting but that phase of my life is over. i am ready to be myself and no else for quite some time. i encourage acting though, it’s an exercise and it was an experience.

we saw your cat a lot on your social media, what’s is their name?

oh, when we started this i was crossing my fingers thinking: please talk about my cats. in all forms expect physical, i’m a cat. so i found manwol in a shelter, she looked me in the eye suspiciously and i thought “she is testing me”, so i took her home to complete her task. she is always watching me, i don’t know if like a affectionate way, however she is very jealous of the people around me and for that reason i think we identify with each other. i don’t remember my boyfriend’s cat names though, he has many and they just keep adding, i just call them what i feel like calling them and they always answer, it’s like an unspoken connection.

when are you and keun getting married though?

it’s that a thing you’d like to see? think we should live it for the world and charge a few to enter the livestream?

what’s the most used app on your phone?

it’s between my yoga app, subway surfaces and piano tiles. people often underestimate how good i am with phone games, not that i am bragging but i’ve had years of boredom and that adds to the experience.

we heard you like cooking, what’s your favorite dish to cook right now?

my favorite thing to cook... is spaghetti, there is like a hundred ways to do them differently and i love noodles. garlicky spaghetti, vegetable spaghetti, crock-pot spaghetti, the famous carbonara... there is baked spaghetti, it’s one of my favorites, chicken spaghetti, there is even a million dollar spaghetti that’s great and super easy. but last week i aced the tagine, it’s from maroccos. fun fact is most people think the word tagine is the meal itself but tagine is actually the cookware used to cook the meal. the reason for using a tagine is to make a dish tender and bring out its natural flavors. 

what’s the place you want to travel the most?

i would love to go somewhere on the american continent, because their food is rich and it’s very different from asia but at the same time i don’t like travelling for long periods and spending too much time on a plane. i would like to see mexico or argentina, maybe even cuba too. 

which of your friends are you most proud of? and why?

i don’t have that many friends, it’s not that hard to choose between them. the one that most accomplished things this year was bonghu, but that’s mainly because she got pregnant and i admire her nerve. she is a great friend, mom, person, woman and all in general so that makes me proud. 

what’s the song you sing along when you hear it?

ring ring.

who is the last person you texted? and what as the text about?

it was my friend group, i send a bear emoji with a blinking heart. i can’t recall what was the conversation about, it just called for a cute bear emoji.

how is your morning routine? 

i wake up, look into my phone for like fifteen minutes to an hour (there is no in-between), i go pee and take a shower, do my skincare, feed the cats, cook breakfast, eat breakfast, go jogging or hit the gym. now in quarantine i would do yoga at home, but since it’s better now i just go jogging again. and that takes about my whole morning.

who was your first celebrity crush?

i think it was patrick swayze, but also harrison ford. 

what’s on your mind like right now?

this. i mean? what else? i don’t know. 

what do you spent way too much money on?

masterclass online classes! i find it so interesting even though i know i don’t have the vocation of being a professional in that area, i mean... it’s just so great. i started paying for gordon ramsey’s classes, because i love that man but now i think i’ve even seen natalie portamn, anna wintour and even usher’s classes. 

what’s the most cringy worthy thing you’ve seen someone post on social media?

i’m not one to judge cause all i have are cats and food, and that’s the most cringy worthy you can ever get on social media but i hate when people do this long captions like, no one is gonna read it and they know it but they just do that too sound smart and meaningful. i mean there’s nothing you can really say that can’t be said in private, right? i don’t know.

what was the last show you binge-watched?

finished you a few days ago, don’t know if it was worth it, but i did it anyways. there was stranger too, season two was very well done.

what is your favorite item of clothing?

my favorite item of clothing? hm, i think is black high waist pants because one) it’s comfy. two) it’s cheap. 3) it goes with anything in your wardrobe. 4) and with any weather or mood.  

what are you passionate about?

i think... i’m passionate about just living, i mean. focusing on the present feeling and go from there, you know?! no need to be anxious about things you can’t see, while being responsible about the things you do right now and just work with that, like, make your lemonades. 

what’s the best part of your 20′s? what are you taking from this age?

hm. there is a lot of figuring out, from yourself and from others, nothing is certain and everything is fragile but also soothing and exciting. like there is many things i wanna do but also i don’t feel like doing, it’s a contradictory age that’s just hard to understand. i was not one to feel nostalgic or regret things, but as you get older you start to do that and you have to remind yourself that is a way to learn and be better. so for me, the best part is truly looking at yourself differently everyday, changing is inevitable so you have to keep remembering who you are and what you stand for in order to keep going. i hope that i am taking a better person from this. also make good friends, that’s probably the best advice and best part of your 20′s.

who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i don’t have many deep conversations, i am more the type that listens. but when i do it’s just thoughts, like now in this interview. so probably my last deep conversation is this, because you’re asking me things that are hard not to be deep about.

best advice you received from someone.

advice’s can be fragile and change from time to time, so the only one i think is right is about being kind to others, that sounds basic but that’s because it’s suppose to be. 

what’s the one food you can’t bring yourself to eat?

funny enough, i don’t like egg. like fried egg, i mean if it’s in the food and as an ingredient, i don’t really mind but as a meal itself... i don’t really like it. i don’t care for tofu either, i can eat it though.

if you were in a band, what kind of music would you play?

i would go for r&b but it would become popular quick so i’d have to make it pop but with still a little r&b vibe, know what i mean? but i can’t really sing, or play any instrument.

if it would have a movie about your life, what would be the title?

did you listen to folklore, the taylor swift album? i came across mad woman, and i really like that song, i think something like that... it doesn’t need to be something big and meaningful, just moon nayoung it’s fine. but i don’t want a movie about my life, there is many other important stories to tell.

do you believe in astrology? 

i don’t really have an opinion. i’m a sagittarius, who are suppose to be really free spirits, curious and idealistic, which i don’t know if it’s me or not. so i think is funny but i don’t really care.

do you consider yourself romantic? what’s the most romantic gesture you have done?

me? i don’t know. i don’t think i do things in name of romance, i do them because i want to. that sounds sooo bitter, but i swear it’s not! i may be a romantic though, but i am not hopeless, at least not anymore. cooking for your partner counts as big romantic gesture? cause i’ve done that a lot.

what was your favorite book as a child?

peter pan and little women. i probably didn’t wanna grew up, right?!

do you prefer baths or showers?

i like both, but i prefer showers because it takes less time and it’s more practical. cold showers in the summer all the way.

tell something you learn that you wish more people would too.

pay your bills before due date, mark them on your calendar or something and try to pay them before it’s due. even if it leave you broke for a few days, if you take your time it will only make you more lazy and it will become a habit. 

now leave us with a secret that no one knows about you.

there is not much people don’t know about me anymore and if there is, that’s the reason why it’s a secret, am i right? but maybe i call tell you that i already cheated on a text or something, cause that’s all i have for you. sorry.

[derireo]

I've had this in my head for a while, so I'm just gonna ask, from the winter troupe, who do you think are ummmm v i r g i n s (oh God I can't believe I am even asking this sorry omg) if you would like, you can also do the other troupes, i dunno why but I find it interesting in a way (obviously not muku or yuki if you decide to, and also, if you feel uncomfortable with this ask feel free to ignore it! you are the writer after all! take care!❤️❤️

np, anon! to those wondering, very strictly i will not include members who are 17 and under in the game here so please be mindful of that if you do not see a member you like in this post

All Troupes (no members 17 & under): Virgins?

SPRING

Sakuya

Definitely a virgin

You think he's ever held hands with someone in a romantic way??? He can't even ask someone out without quickly changing his mind before going back to ask again. Maybe when he's older and gets out of his cute baby thing, he'll get to bone, but not now. Maybe not ever? Keep him celibate.

Itaru

Definitely not a virgin.

He probably got tired of rejecting people's advances at some point and just cooly agreed to spend the night a few times. Very likely that he barely did any of the work, but still got them to orgasm; he's crazy good for no reason. Definitely really likes being the one receiving, but he's different around you though, and actually makes an effort lol

Tsuzuru

50/50. I have no idea. Most likely a virgin though.

He literally has like 3 younger brothers and juggled a lot of part time jobs along with school; I don't think he has ever had the time of day to pop a boner. His mind is so preoccupied with getting tasks done and finishing upcoming assignments that he's gonna be a virgin for a long while.

Citron

Literally no clue. Maybe not a virgin?

He's 22, and a lot of people tend to lose their virginity in their twenties so who knows with Citron?? He's awfully good at flirting with others and knows how to fluster people, but does he know how to Get Down & Dirty????? Again, no clue. Maybe he bones so well that his victims can't even say anything about it.

SUMMER

Kazunari

Not a virgin probs

Despite how well he socialises with other people, he's not one to just casually have a fling. He does think of other's feelings and how they feel about him, but it's rare for him to take initiative with someone he's interested in. Otherwise if it's the other way around, but he isn't attracted to the person that's coming onto him, he'll refuse and scurry off.

Misumi

Definitely a virgin!

He literally only thinks about triangles and food, there is no chance that he's had sex yet. Maybe if he had a character in the play that required him to be a playboy or something' he'll absolutely fool people into thinking he's been around, but his sunshine personality and tunnel vision towards certain things prevents him from having fun. Don't think he's interested in sex, really.

AUTUMN

Banri

VIRGIN

Mr. Tough Guy over here tries hard to let people know he's been around. Totally, not true. He always brags about having more girls liking him than Juza, and it may be true (since he doesn't seem as terrifying as him), but he has never gone that far with a girl. Sure, he has dated A LOT, has had plenty of girls sit in his lap and has definitely had his fair share of kisses, but he's a virgin. He dumps a girl before he even has the thought of boning.

Juza

VIRGIN

Absolutely no way could he have ever had sex. He's so self-deprecating sometimes, so that's one reason why he hasn't gotten that far with girls, plus he really loves sweets and food so that's probably the only thing occupying his mind. He hasn't even been in a relationship yet because he gets nervous around the people he likes and probably thinks he's not even worth dating anyway. He's probably a good boy though and will wait after marriage.

Omi

Surprisingly not a virgin

Shocking? Not to me, honestly, lol. Again, Omi is a people pleaser, and remember that phase in his life where he was a super tough guy ass kicker??? And rode motorcycles (from what I can remember)??? Of course this man is gonna be a chick magnet, and Of Course I am willing to let him choke me. So, yeah, he's probably fucked once or twice during that time in his life, but once he got into Mankai, abstinate.

Sakyo

Not a virgin, but he'll definitely fool you into thinking he is.

What do I mean? Why, I'll tell ya. He's got a stick so far up his ass sometimes that you can't help but wonder if he's sexually deprived. Like 31 years without getting your dick wet? Absolutely tragic. Anyways, nah, he definitely has a body count higher than 3. May have been quick flings considering he used to work a shady job and got high off the thrill, but he only focuses on Mankai now.

WINTER

Homare

Maybe

He did have a girlfriend at some point, but I don't know how far he would have gotten with her. It seemed like she was so annoyed with him and his lack of emotion that they probably didn't get too far. He is quite the notorious poet though, so maybe he used to have a few groupies??? Is that possible??? Do u think Rupi Kaur has groupies???

Hisoka

. . . Maybe

With his vague storyline about being a spy prior to his amnesia, the only reason I can give for him not being a virgin is solely because he had to have sex for a mission. Like how James Bond has sex with the enemy or something and then gets all the intel of the evil organisation he has to go against (never watched any of the movies). Otherwise, he's a virgin in his life as Hisoka.

Tasuku

VIRGIN

Doesn't care about men or women; too preoccupied with working out and acting that his dick never gets pulled out by someone else. Sure, maybe he'll tug one out because his body demands him to, but he never really was interested in relationships nor does he seem to be someone who finds physical attraction important.

Tsumugi

VIRGIN

Also focuses way too much on acting and working that he doesn't get the chance to. He was in a relationship before if I recall correctly, but he probably didn't have enough time for them considering he was so busy. He has also probably tugged a few out, but only because his body required him to do so. I'm not sure how he feels about sex tbh?

Azuma

NOPE

You can't tell me he's a virgin, it's just not possible. We don't even know this man's age!!!! He's probably a vampire!!!! He's probably been fucking for centuries!!!! And have you seen how well he can flirt? Super crazy. Pretty sure he's a sadist as well with how he always says he likes to be the one playing, plus he always manages to lure out the worst of the boys just for his amusement. Body Count: Out the Roof

[anthropologicalhands]

r/n - i've been working on my backwards walk / there's nowhere else for me to go / except back to you just one last time / say yes before i change my mind

As Rebecca tries to be sanguine about nearing forty, seeing it as a peak rather than a slide into decay (a Naomi-fostered distortion that has proven remarkably difficult to shake), one thing that has comforted Rebecca over the last decade is that with experience, she’s learned how to handle all matter of situations with grace, simply because she’s seen them before.

Revisiting this particular situation, however, is not what she expected.

It starts with an invitation delivered to Rebecca’s house to Hebby’s fifth grade graduation. There wouldn’t be anything strange about such a thing, even after she gets over the orange-and-turquoise astronaut theme (Hebby was going through a bit of a NASA phase), were it not for the fact the invitation was also addressed to Nathaniel.

Rebecca and Nathaniel, specifically.

Still frowning and trying to ignore the weird ringing that just went through her head at the jolt of seeing hers and Nathaniel’s names juxtaposed across a piece of lurid cardstock—like they’re a unit, or something—Rebecca credits herself with just pulling her phone out and calling Darryl directly instead of diving headfirst into a panic spiral.

“Rebecca!” Darryl’s voice booms from the other end of the line, and Rebecca can’t help the reflexive grin—Darryl’s unflagging enthusiasm while raising four daughters remains nothing short than a scientific marvel. “What a surprise. How is my favorite pretzel singer?”

“Hey, Darryl. Quick question for you. I got your card—”

“Isn’t it great? Hebby picked out the colors specially.”

“I’ll bet she did. But that’s not why I was calling, actually. I was wondering if, perchance, you might have had a shortage of such eye-popping invitations?”

“What do you mean?”

“My invitation was addressed to me and Nathaniel, which, I can definitely send him the deets, no problem, but wouldn’t an email be easier?”

“Oh?” She can hear Darryl’s mustache frown from the other end of the phone. “You mean you and Nathaniel aren’t…”

“Well, he doesn’t live here,” snaps Rebecca, a little flustered. “Why would you think that? Why did you think—did he—”

“Hang on,” says Darryl, and she can hear him calling for April, leaving her stuttered rejection hanging.

Are her and Nathaniel—

How is that even a question anymore?

It’s been a decade, and everyone involved with that event has definitively moved forward with their lives. Her and Josh were a definitive ‘no’ from that fateful Valentine’s Day onwards, remaining dear friends instead, and she was very much the ‘cool aunt’ among his own children. Her and Greg had wavered briefly for a bit afterwards, ran into some seriously uncomfortable friction, and it took them the better part of two years to find a good balance. It probably helped that she accidentally connected him to the woman who would become his wife, but that was a story for another day.

And it was a similar story with Nathaniel. He went to Guatemala for two years, came back and split his time between helping at MountainTop and working with some volunteer legal capacity with the local zoos and her and him—

Ah. Well.

Okay, so it wasn’t quite as clearly defined with Nathaniel, beyond the general fact that she wanted him to be happy, and he wanted her to be happy, and generally their relationship since his return had been checking in on each other, making fun of their weird hobbies and still showing up to events that were important to each other. It was all very adult and friendly and open. Their friendship had appropriate limits and boundaries and they supported each other in the respective relationships they had tried over the years, and it was very platonic…

Well. Except when it wasn’t. There hadn’t been a repeat of the Mona incident ever, and Rebecca could honestly say that she really liked a couple of the long-term girlfriends he’d introduced to them since then, and was genuinely regretful when those relationships ended. Especially for Sylvia, the LA Zoo curator who had to move for her career. Not that the regret wasn’t complicated by other factors, like when Nathaniel had admitted privately to Rebecca later that as much as he liked Sylvia, he just couldn’t see himself leaving California again.

She didn’t get butterflies at that, exactly, because but there had been a comfort in knowing that Nathaniel was content to remain in her orbit.

Again, not entirely uncomplicated. But it was nothing beyond the usual messy spectrum of human emotion internally, and never acted on externally.

She’s dated on and off as suited her libido and her schedule and her desire to find a life partner. She’s had relationships that got serious enough to talk about the future on and off, but they’ve all ended too for reasons inherent to those dynamics themselves. Nathaniel had been a good friend while they were going on, and a shoulder to cry on after, and well, okay, they might have fallen back into bed together a few times over the years, but they never pretended that it was either more than it was or that it was some forbidden thing that wouldn’t happen again. It was what it was.

Well. And they hung out, sometimes. And occasionally were each other’s plus-ones to public events. And friends’ weddings. And quite possibly—

Hm.

It really, really doesn’t help her case that she’s going to see him tonight, either.

“Rebecca?” Darryl tears her out of her thoughts. “Sorry about that! I think there was just a mistake at the stationary shop and they put your cards in together. What are the odds? I might need to call the other parents on the list, just to make sure that they got theirs all right. Could you take that one to Nathaniel? I don’t know if it’s out of your way—”

“Not at all!” says Rebecca, smiling with all of her teeth even though Darryl can’t see her, her cheeks aching. “Not even remotely.”

“Good,” says Darryl, and she can hear him beaming from the other side of the line.

~

“So, a funny thing happened on the way to your apartment…”

“That’s ominous,” comments Nathaniel, taking the bag of groceries she shoves at him without complaint as he closes the door behind her. Rebecca kicks off her shoes and toes them out of the walkway, abiding by Nathaniel’s still oft-repeated entreaties to not leave her personal belongings strewn entirely across his apartment.

“It’s not ominous so much as luminous,” says Rebecca, reaching into her purse and withdrawing Hebby’s invitation with a little flourish of the wrist. “Well, fluorescent.”

“Oh my god.”

Nathaniel accepts the card and flicks it open, scanning through the cheerful, only slightly grammatically incorrect message, and cannot quite suppress an amused huff of laughter. Rebecca hides her own smile as she turns away to set her purse on the very useful hook Nathaniel installed for her own use. Like herself, Nathaniel has a soft spot for Hebby, despite his continued awkwardness around children.

“Right? She gets that from Darryl for sure.”

“I don’t know, I remember someone showing up in some pink and purple eyesore into a law firm the very first day I met her.”

“You just didn’t know fun when you saw it,” says Rebecca instead, perching on the edge of the couch. “But it was funny. I was worried for a second that he thought that we were a couple or something. How weird is that?”

She is completely, totally casual in her delivery of that line, she knows. A decade in community theater and singing gigs have certainly finetuned her ability to turn a phrase, if nothing else. But something must be slightly offkey, because Nathaniel snaps up from marveling at the card to eye her suspiciously.

“Very weird,” he says, after a slightly-too-long pause. “Do we seem like a couple? Why would we seem like a couple when we aren’t a couple?”

“That’s exactly what I thought!” She punches him companionably on the arm; apparently too hard, if the way he winces and rubs at his bicep is any consideration.

(She’s been taking workout classes with Valencia—she deserves something for all that pain.)

“But it’s probably nothing,” she adds, determined to address this weird little misstep directly, because they are both too old to be having any kinds of weird misunderstandings anymore. “We’re close. We have our own rhythm, our own special two step. No wonder Darryl got confused.”

“He’s getting old,” says Nathaniel.

“Dude, c’mon.”

“What? It’s true.”

“What about you, Mister Gray?” Rebecca challenges. Nathaniel pulls a face in response, clearly fighting the urge to brush his hand through the aforementioned silvering at his temples.

(He wasn’t quite vain enough to dye his hair yet, though Rebecca credits his restraint to the fact that she would never let him hear the end of it.)

“It’s just a couple of hairs,” he says inconsequentially, as though it hasn’t been long established that between the two of them, he’s the one with the greater fear of aging, and therefore in far more danger of aging gracelessly.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Rebecca hops off the couch and grabs him by the elbow. “Now c’mon, let’s make sure make these sweet potatoes are not oh-sweet-pies-don’t!”

~

Heading over to Nathaniel’s place had left Rebecca feeling on edge, not quite sure how to process the idea of someone, anyone, considering her and Nathaniel as a potential couple this late in the game.

Nothing is more grounding, however, than seeing Nathaniel being clearly so off kilter, missing steps in what should be a well-worn dance of theirs by now. Dancing has always been their thing—where they once threw each other off at every possible moment, shaking up their convictions about life and happiness and how that concept could exist within their previously compartmentalized existences. Now, they were familiar with each other. Comfortable. Predictable.

They knew each other’s moves now, which means that she could see Nathaniel’s as clear as water.

He’s unfocused during dinner, a little erratic in his answers, jittery, as if he’s had too much coffee. It’s putting her off her rhythm, and while she knows that not everything in life needs to be a big song and dance production, there does need to be some kind of continuity.

This evening was supposed to be easygoing and relaxing. And, yes, probably beneficial in that very particular friends-with-benefits way. But since that clearly wasn’t going to happen, they needed to execute a sharp left turn and get this all settled.

“Nathaniel?” she repeats, for the third time.

“Hm?”

“Are you getting hard of hearing in your old age?” He scowls deeply at her in response. “Yeah, yeah, I had to ask. So, what’s bugging you?”

He’s silent for a long minute. “Just something ridiculous.”

“Yeah?”

He shakes his head. “We don’t need to go through it again. It’s just spinning in circles around the same old subject.”

“Try a jazz square then.”

That startles a laugh out of him, much to Rebecca’s satisfaction. Good to know that she still has some capacity for surprise with him. She continues, “You know that move, right? Don’t tell me you forgot about Connie.”

“Are you kidding? I still have nightmares about her scarf strangling me to death.”

“Dark.”

“She was terrifying.”

“Yeah.” They sit in companionable silence. Then Nathaniel sighs.

“Sorry I’m being weird. I just…hearing that from you, I always thought it would just be a good laugh. You know, ridiculous to even think about romance again. But it made me feel weird instead, so now I’m acting slightly weird.”

“I wouldn’t say slightly,” teases Rebecca, unable to resist. Nathaniel doesn’t return her smile.

“Rebecca, I like where we are. I like that our relationship isn’t a big production anymore.”

“Don’t get me wrong—I love drama on the stage, but that’s definitely where it should stay.” She drums her fingers on her thigh, subconsciously tapping out a tune that’s been giving her trouble these last few weeks. “We can learn new steps, you know. Old dogs, new tricks? That doesn’t only apply to the bedroom.”

Nathaniel (again, predictably) groans.

“Aren’t you getting too old to have such a dirty mind?” But he’s smiling, now.

“Nah. I fully intend to be a filthy old woman. But seriously,” she adds, moving to sit besides him on the couch. “If just the thought of other people thinking that we’re a couple again is enough to send us both off balance, we need to center ourselves. Maybe it’s something worth talking about. What do you say?”

She reaches out and grabs his hand, and starts to tap a rhythm against his large palm—one of the first she ever composed, the first one her friends ever danced to. After a moment, he taps back, completing it.

“Yes.”

[exhaustedfander]

moxiety with fake dating? mayhaps with some gay panicking because ahhh cute stranger hold hngg hand??

I was having such stupid technical difficulties ith Word, but here it is, sorry it’s been like three weeks, lol. I’d love to hear what you think! 

a03 link

word count: 3,008

Fake it Till You Make it 

Virgil’s always careful whilst staking out a seat in the coffee shop he frequents. He makes sure not to sit in an area that’s too crowded, as to bypass unnecessary human-contact, while simultaneously avoiding the table too close to the door that lets a draft in. He’s been coming here a long time now, as it’s the closest place to his College, as well as the fact that the coffee is reasonably priced, and the atmosphere is pretty damn cozy. Also… there’s a barista that happens to be the cutest man Virgil’s ever laid his eyes on, but that’s beside the point! 

By now, all of the staff know his order – a cinnamon Cappuccino with enough whipped cream to drown in – like the back of their hands, so he has to worry about social interaction a lot less than usual. The adorable barista in question, Patton, has only ever taken his order, sweet as can be while doing so, but Virgil’s never really talked to the guy. Not that he plans on it! That is waaay too nerve-racking to so much as think about, thank you very much. Sure, he can get lost in those ocean-blue eyes and often fantasizes about running his hand through those strawberry-blonde curls but talking to him is strictly out of the question. He likes this coffee spot and would really hate to have to find a new shop all because he’s made a fool of himself. 

So, it’s not hard to imagine Virgil’s utter shock when he finds that very same barista standing beside him, a dazzling smile on his face.

“Is this seat taken?” He asks, in reference to the chair beside him, and Virgil’s fairly sure he forgets how to breathe for a moment. 

“Uh – no,” he manages to stutter, “It’s all yours, man.” The barista grins, sitting beside him. 

“Thanks… Virgil, right?” Virgil blinks surprised he’d remember something as inconsequence as his name. 

“Yeah,” Virgil says, “My, uh, friends call me Virge. You can, too, if you wanted to.” Virgil despises the way his voice is trembling; why is he so fucking nervous? It’s just basic, human, social interaction (with the most beautiful man to grace this Earth, but basic, human social interaction nonetheless)

“Sure, thing, Virge. I’m Patton,” he says, as though Virgil hadn’t memorized the name on his nametag the moment, he saw him. “I like your pin, by the way.” 

Virgil glances down at the Bisexual pin on his backpack, feeling heat rise to his cheeks. It’s not like he’s missed the rainbow shirt he’s seen peeking out from behind Patton’s apron sometimes – an apron he doesn’t currently have on, meaning he’s off the clock, also meaning instead of going home, he’s sitting here, talking to him. So, yeah, Patton’s probably gay, and he’s talking to him, but that doesn’t actually mean anything. It doesn’t stop Virgil from panicking quite a bit, though. 

“Thanks,” Virgil says, trying his absolute hardest to keep his cool. He’s wanted to talk to Patton for so long, but he hadn’t imagined it would ever actually happen. 

“You come here a lot, huh?” Patton asks. Virgil rubs at the back of his neck, struggling to maintain eye-contact. 

“Uh- yeah. This is a cool place, and it’s not too far from my school.” Virgil fails to mention the fact that Patton’s a big reason he comes in nearly daily, thinking such a detail might come off as super creepy.

As awkward as Virgil is, a conversation is struck up. He learns that Patton is a student at his college, too (How the fuck did he manage to miss a face like that??) and that he’s studying to be a Veterinarian, which Virgil finds a little funny, considering he’s terribly allergic to cats. Patton’s a big fan of dad-jokes and puns, and while he can try and groan, it just manages to make Patton all the more adorable. He also discovers that yes, Patton is gay and that he first came about a year ago. 

“Yeah, my parents weren’t too thrilled,” Patton says in a voice that’s desperately trying to stay chipper, but the sorrow creeps in all the same, “They still aren’t.” 

“Mine either,” Virgil says before he really knows what he’s saying, “I haven’t, uh, talked to them in a long time. I might never again, honestly.” A look of sympathy crosses Patton’s face, though it’s clear that he relates, maybe more than he wants to admit to himself. 

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Virge.” 

Virgil shrugs. It’s nothing new. He came out to his parents at seventeen, a choice that was quite the feat considering the level of anxiety he suffers from, and it hadn’t gone well at all. His folks hadn’t kicked him out, but they’d insisted that he was never to take a boy home. At first, Virgil had tried to get on their good side, they were his parents, after all. But it didn’t take long for him to realize what a fruitless venture that was. They weren’t going to change, regardless of how much he wanted them to. 

Once he got to college, he had an opportunity to meet a few really great people, despite his social-anxiety, individuals who had shown him how important it is to have positive relationships in life. At this point, it could undo a few years of positive change to let his parents back into his life, and Virgil wasn’t about to go and do a thing like that.

“It’s alright,” he says, “They’re assholes, anyway. I got some pretty cool relatives though, and some really good friends, so that helps.” Patton frowns, and suddenly Virgil decides he despises the sad expression on him, wondering what the hell he could do to make it go away.

“My parents are assholes too,” Patton murmurs, as though saying such a word is incomprehensively bad, and as if Virgil hadn’t said it too about three seconds ago. “They really are. I’ve been trying. Trying so hard to be patient with them and allow them time to adjust but… it just isn’t happening. They’re still talking about when I end up with “some lucky lady.” I don’t know…” Patton pauses, his eyes widening, “Oh my goodness, I’m sorry.” Virgil tilts his head. 

“What for?”

“For dumping all that on you. I mean, we hardly know each other. It was rude of me.” 

“Nah, man, you’re good. I was just talking about my parents, there’s no reason to apologize. And I should know, I’m kind of the king of apologizing for shit I didn’t do.” Patton cracks a small smile at that, and Virgil swells with a pit too much pride. “My point is, you didn’t overshare, or anything. We’re just having a conversation, you’re good, I promise.” Patton looks relieved. 

“Thanks, Virgil. You’re really nice.” Virgil’s heart can’t help but soar a little bit at that. Sometimes, he’s convinced he’s a massive asshole, despite his friends insisting that it isn’t. but it’s really nice to know that Patton thinks he’s nice.

“No prob, Pat. You’re nice too.”

“Well then, I’m glad we were able to break the nice,” Patton says, earning a half-hearted groan. “I’ve kinda wanted to talk to you for a while, actually.” Virgil’s heart skips a beat. 

“R-really? Why?”

“Because,” Patton says with a smile, “You always seemed so interesting. Mentioning your Pin was, uh, kind of just an excuse to talk to you,” Patton admits and, holy shit, is he flirting?! Virgil can’t tell, but sirens are going off in his head regardless. 

“I – uh,” Virgil bites his tongue, trying to come up with a dignified response of some kind, but failing to do so. “Thanks?” Despite Virgil’s criminal lack of tact, Patton just smiles, a look that quickly disappears when he gets a notification and checks his phone.

“What’s up?” Virgil asks, before realizing it’s hardly his business. He’s known Patton for what? An hour or so now – oh my god, Patton’s been talking to him for over an hour – and that doesn’t give Virgil the authority to inquire upon the barista’s personal life beyond what he’s already been told. Patton shakes his head.

“My cousin Dalilah getting married next week,” Patton explains, despite Virgil’s hesitation, “She’s one of the only family members who I’m really close to; she’s such a sweetheart.”

“Then what’s wrong?” 

“My mom and dad are going to be at the wedding,” Patton sighs, “And I don’t have a date. If I show up without some guy on my arm, I know they’re just gonna assume that the crisis is over, and they can set me up with the next available girl. They already think me being gay is a phase, this is all the reason they need to think the phase is over.” A sad look flickers in Patton’s eyes and instantly, all logic or uncertainty that Virgil’s clinging to goes out the window.

“What if I was your date?” Patton’s eyes go as wide as saucers and, oh shit, he really just said that aloud.

“W-what?”

“L-like a fake date,” Virgil backpedals, his heart rate spiking in a matter of seconds, “So t-that your parents aren’t dicks to you. Or at least, are less of dicks.” 

For a moment, Virgil almost dares to think that the explanation made Patton look kinda… disappointed? Not that it would make much sense, it’s not like he’d actually want Virgil to be his date. 

“Virgil you… you can’t be serious.”

“Well, why not?” Virgil asks, knowing he’s most probably going to regret this later, “You’re a cool guy who’s in a shitty situation. Your parents are going to be relentless to you, and I don’t like the idea of that, so… why don’t I make things a little easier for you?” Virgil says, impressed he gets through it without feeling as anxious as he had a few moments ago. 

“I couldn’t ask you to do that,” Patton mumbles guiltily, his eyes cast on the table, “I wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your weekend just for me.” 

“Pat, I was just gonna aimlessly scroll through Tumblr till two in the morning and watch shitty TV. And– erm– being your fake date sounds a lot more interesting to me.” (Not to mention nerve-racking!) Patton meets Virgil’s gaze once more, relief etched into his features.

“You’d really be willing to do this?” Patton asks, “You don’t need to, you know.”

“I want to,” Virgil assures. “So, what do you say?” Patton thinks for a moment before that beautiful smile spreads across his face anew.

“That sounds perfect! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Patton says, standing up from his chair and throwing his arms around the emo, “You’re a lifesaver, Virgil!” Virgil stiffens in the awkward embrace, before accepting it to the best of his ability, trying not to freak out because Patton fucking Hart is hugging him! 

“Sure thing, Pat.” 

After that, arrangements are made. As it turns out, Patton isn’t the biggest fan of lying, hates it, honestly, which makes things a little trickier. But a compromise is come to that they met each other in the Coffee shop, which was true and had been on a few dates prior to the wedding. While that wasn’t technically true (God does Virgil wish it was) they do spend several days throughout the week hanging out and getting to know one another. And within those few days, Virgil’s infatuation with Patton inflames to a full-on crush which is just great.

Getting better acquainted with him, Virgil finds himself quickly getting used to Patton’s bubbly personality. He’s eager to pet every dog he comes into contact with, he enjoys baking quite a bit, though he’s not great at it, he’s adorably awkward in the best ways and he’s one of the kindest, most genuine people Virgil’s ever met. 

Usually, Virgil’s so well-guarded, but with Patton, he’s opening up quicker and more willingly than he has in such a long time. Patton listens with such compassion, and while Virgil’s really happy to have the other friends that he does, he’s never met someone as sweet as Patton is. It’s almost a little overwhelming at times, how caring he is. 

Before they know it, the day is upon them. Virgil gets a rental suite while trying not to swoon at Patton in his sky-blue tux, because really, how is it legal for him to look that cute?

Patton grabs his hand the moment they walk into the venue, sending Virgil a careful glance and squeezing his hand just slightly.

“This okay?” He whispers, ever the compassionate one, and Virgil nods.

“Yeah, ‘s okay.” Virgil can’t recall the last time someone held his hand, and he certainly can’t remember the number of times he’s imagined Patton holding his hand, prior to them even being friends. 

They take their seats, and the ceremony proceeds as usual. It’s beautiful, not that Virgil is paying too much attention, distracted by Patton’s nervous glances toward an older couple that must be his folks.

“Hey, are you alright?” Virgil asks quietly. Patton forces a smile, his eyes trained on his cousin and her fiancé.

“Yeah, I’m – I’m fine,” – he doesn’t sound fine –, “It’s just…” Patton trails off, his gaze flickering back to his parents for a moment. Virgil places his hand over Patton’s, who’s trembling is noticeable immediately. Carefully, Virgil runs his thumb over Patton’s knuckles in an even, circular motion. Luckily, it seems to calm Patton down to a degree, and he doesn’t take his eyes off of Dalilah for the rest of the ceremony. 

However, almost immediately upon the afterparty starting, they’re cornered by Mr. and Mrs. Hart.

“Patton, you didn’t come and say hello,” his mother scolds. 

“Well, there were a lot of people,” Patton says nervously, “I figured we’d –.”

“Who’s this?” Patton’s father interrupts, gesturing to Virgil standing beside him.

“Virgil Storme,” Virgil says as calmly as he’s able, extending a hand for the father to shake. Mr. Hart’s hand remains rigid at his side. “I’m Patton’s boyfriend. It’s nice to meet you.” 

Virgil can’t help but notice as anxiety wells up inside of him because, fuck, they’d never said they were going to call each other boyfriend’s, just that they’d been on a few dates, but Mr. Hart had such a smug look and he couldn’t help it. Despite his raging internal monologue, Patton plants a hand onto the small of his back, lips curling into a smile.

“That’s right,” Patton says, “Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend.” 

The look of slackened shock on their faces would be priceless, weren’t it for the fact that these are still Patton’s parents, individuals who’ve had a direct influence on him throughout the entirety of his life.

“You’ve never – you’ve never mentioned a boyfriend before,” Patton’s mother says, glaring at her son. 

“And certainly not one who looks like some kind of a hooligan,” Mr. Hart grits, gesturing to Virgil’s dyed purple hair and pierced ears. Virgil intends to let the insult go, as it would only cause more trouble to confront it, but Patton has other ideas.

“Hey, you have no right to talk like that about Virgil,” Patton says, an edge to his voice that Virgil had yet to hear until now. Virgil grips for Patton’s hand, lacing their fingers together and giving him a reassuring squeeze.

“How long has this been going on, sweetie?” Mrs. Hart chimes in, though it’s unclear if she’s referring to Virgil himself, or Patton’s sexuality as a whole. Either way, it’s a poor choice of words.

“My whole life, mom,” Patton spits, a venomous tone that would surely be louder if they weren’t at a wedding, “I’ve been gay my whole life, and nothing is going to change that.”

“But –.”

“But, nothing,” Patton interrupts boldly, “I’m not having this conversation, not again. If you can’t accept the fact that I’m never going to end up with ‘some nice girl,’ and that Virgil is absolutely wonderful, then we haven’t got anything to talk about.”

The words are a slap across Mr. and Mrs. Hart's face, who reel back in shock. 

“Patton, son –.”

“Goodbye,” Patton says, realizing it might very well be the last time he says it. He begins walking out of the reception and Virgil follows close behind. They make it outside, and luckily there’s no one else around.

“Pat… are you okay?” Virgil asks, reaching out to touch Patton’s shoulder.

“I’m done, Virgil. I’m done being gentle for them, I’m done pretending. It’s not worth it.” Pride wells in Virgil, even though he’s known Patton a little less than a week. 

“Well, then, I can tell you that was amazing! You kicked ass, Patton! Did you see the stupid look on their faces? They were so –.” Virgil is quickly interrupted when Patton’s lips collide against his, fingers gripping his lapels. Virgil needs a second to adjust and realize this is actually happening before he kisses back just as fervidly, his hands threading in Patton’s curls that are soft to the touch, just as he’d always imagined. 

“We’re – we’re not still pretending, right?” Virgil asks dumbly, and Patton shakes his head with a laugh, light, and airy.

“No, no of course not. Unless… you want it to be pretend?” 

“No! God, n-no! You’re amazing, Pat, you’re so kind, and soft and good and cute and… oh god, I’m rambling.” Patton giggles again, and Virgil decides it’s one of the best sounds he’s had the pleasure of hearing. 

“It’s cute.” 

“You’re cuter.”

“No, you are.”

The never-ending debacle of who is cuter is decidedly ended when their lips meet again, and Virgil’s positive this outweighs anything fantasy had to offer.

In the end, Patton hasn’t told a lie. Virgil is his boyfriend, even if they didn’t start the day out that way. The two walk back into the venue, hand-in-hand, watching as the Hart’s avert their eyes and Patton happily introduces Virgil to the family and friends who matter. 

Virgil’s never been so glad he walked into that coffee shop.

=+=

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