#this ID has been... a journey. i did it so long ago then it deleted itself ages ago and i never remade it until i rewrote it today

[martyrbat]

action comics #1

(ID in alt!)

[isisparker]

Candid

[The Rookie - Tim Bradford/Lucy Chen - Chenford fanfic]

word count: 3k a/n: first attempt at a Tucy/Chenford fanfic, so I apologize for mistakes and whatnot in advance! this was inspired by the latest episode as I wonder just how many humiliating pictures has Tim taken of Lucy and whether those are the only ones? also this takes place post- 2x12 “Now and Then” and, well, a bit canon divergence as have you...

~~

Therein -- according to Jackson -- a folder of incriminating pictures of Lucy on Tim Bradford’s phone. Confirmed by Lopez that such files of Bradford’s rookies exist, Lucy reasoned it is all Jackson’s fault that she’s sitting in a bar bathroom trying to find said folder of herself. A folder on her T.O’s phone that she... borrowed...

Or what happens when Lucy steals Tim’s phone, Jackson becomes a frustrated accomplice [and a good soundboard-slash-wingman], and Tim does what does best: taking unwitting pictures of Lucy Chen.

~~~

It was all Jackson’s fault.

No, really it was!

It was all Jackson’s fault that Lucy Chen had locked herself in a bar bathroom, hunting down an elusive folder that legend says majority of young, bright eyed cops lost countless sleep over: Officer Tim Bradford’s Incriminating Photos of His Rookies.

Hell, she would have laughed off the very mention of such a thing had fellow officer-slash-roommate Jackson West not open his stupid mouth and verified its existence. 

(Okay, to be fair, it all started because of a 488 and Lucy chasing the damn kid through a park where Surprise! a pie eating competition was being held and, well… after a spectacular header into the contestant table resulted in an arrest despite finding herself covered in meringue and whip cream, when her training officer held his phone up, gave his signature shit-eating smirk before saying “Geez, Chen, I’ll run out of space soon…”, which Jackson later speculated that Bradford probably kept a folder filled with Lucy-inspired exploits, and followed shortly by having Jackson’s own T.O., Angela Lopez, confirming that “Oh yeah! Bradford has folders of all his trainees’... uh… mishaps? Incidents?” “Humiliating moments?” “Your words, Boot, not mine.”; so you can imagine why her paranoia placed the entirety of this adventure all on her friend!)

Because let’s be real: no amount of sanity on her end would have resulted in talking a few unsuspecting colleagues into a night out at a relatively unknown (well, to everyone but Lucy, who had the foresight to check the area out) bar and pool hall, proceeding to needle her fellow rookies to distract her T.O., and then coming into possession of Tim’s phone (that she had discreetly, uh, borrowed from his person) in an attempt to break into-- no, wait, unlock it and save her future self from potential blackmail.

“Just say ‘deleting embarrassing photos,’ Luce.”

“Shut up, Jackson.”

“Hey! It wasn’t my idea for you to steal--”

“Borrow! I’m not keeping it. Just borrowing it…”

“Right…” She didn’t need to glance up at her friend to notice the disbelief oozing out of him. “It wasn’t my idea for you to ‘borrow’,” damn Jackson, she didn’t need to look up to feel his quotation marks, “his phone, just so you can delete the pictures he has of you. So why do I have to be your accomplice--”

“It’s not a crime to borrow a friend’s phone.”

“It is if he’s your T.O. and, oh yeah, he doesn’t know that you lifted it from him!”

Lucy waved her hand, “Schematics…” she murmured, trying to limit her attempts at his passcode lest she end up locking the phone for hours. She could feel Jackson’s eyes roll as she added, “And you’re not my accomplice. You’re my lookout. I just… need…” The distinct sound of a phone being unlocked briefly pierced the gender neutral bathroom that the pair of rookies were camped in, causing the young woman to do a soft congratulatory fist pump. “Aha! Got it!”

Another cellphone ping crisped the air, causing Jackson to make an inquired hum before emitting a small sound of distress.

Which meant that Lucy’s window of opportunity was closing faster than she anticipated.

“Luce,” Jackson started, “Nolan can’t keep Bradford preoccupied for long!”

Lucy’s eyes were focused on the cell screen, her fingers scrolling and tapping to find the folder that started this utterly insane journey. “Tim loves knocking Nolan down a peg or two. As long as Nolan keeps up the charade of losing, we have time!”

“But that was before Lopez and Harper cajoled them into involving money, Luce! Plus Harper is Nolan’s T.O! She’ll be able to sniff out his act faster than the other two!”

“Well then Nolan would be shitty at undercover work if he’s unable to keep his part up!” Lucy growled, “Just like you’re doing a horrible job at being my back-up! You’re supposed to keep quiet, communicate with Nolan, and let me find what I need to-- Oh my God, yes! I found it!” She felt Jackson jump immediately to her side, his curiosity gleaming out as strongly as her own.

Figuring on a longshot when she had seen a folder simply titled The Boots, inside of it produced multiple other folders labeled with various numbers that an ordinary citizen wouldn’t comprehend. But Lucy knew a badge ID when she saw one and quickly located her own as she scrolled through the column of numbers. Before she clicked on it to see just how many photos she’ll have to terminate, Lucy prayed that there wasn’t a lot of memory she’d have to delete, at least enough for Bradford to notice. Oh she figured on leaving a few (c’mon, her mama didn’t raise an idiot), but for her own dignity she hoped Tim didn’t gleefully capture that many embarrassing moments!

“Okay,” she breathed, adding a bit of levity, “let’s see exactly how sadistic my T.O. is…”

Lucy clicked on the folder… and blinked at it in shock.

One photo.

“What the--?” she gasped, staring at the single picture in her folder.

Jackson muttered a few curse words as he too stared at the folder’s content, knowing that they were in fact screwed.

The anxiety that had built up in Lucy’s stomach quickly twisted into dread as she took in the lone picture; an image of her uniformed T.O., one Tim Bradford, scowling and holding up a piece of paper that seemingly foretold what lied ahead beyond that bathroom door: BUSTED.

“Goddamn it!” Lucy groaned, slumping backwards until her head hit the stall with a defeated thud.

Jackson’s phone pinged a text message and Lucy didn’t need to glance over to know who sent it nor what it said. Her friend’s pale reaction spoke volumes.

“How screwed are we?” she asked, closing her eyes and truly not looking forward to all the burpees that man out there will be barking at her for the foreseeable future.

“We?” Jackson gasped, astonished, “Oh, Luce, there is no ‘we’ involved in this half-baked plan you concocted--”

“Hey--” she sat up, eyes blazing to defend herself only to shut her mouth over his continued tirade.

“--because of your desperate need to prove that your superior officer is either that big of an asshole to collect incriminating photos like trading cards…”

Yeah, if her eyes were lit to defend herself, they were definitely ablaze at the mere mention of her partner. “Tim is not--”she started to growl, only to still be bulldozed by her friend.

“--or, depending on how many photos he has of you, has some sort of underlying feelings beyond the professional that you may or may not be feeling yourself!”

“I… uh… What?!” Lucy felt sufficiently gobsmacked by Jackson’s words. She quickly picked up her jaw, lest she keep it open in surprise. Where the hell did that come from?! She even managed  to utter her bafflement as much.

Jackson crossed his arms and leveled her with a look that was a mix between bemusement and pity. “Three words: Sad, Drunk Lucy.” 

Lucy blinked up at him, genuinely confused save for the gnawing piece of her gut that says there is truth to his words. “Jackson, I…”

Jackson’s phone thrilled, interrupting whatever excuse seemed to want to slip from Lucy’s mouth. She had never been more grateful for it, especially as he reacted to whomever was on the other end, giving tense responses to them until he hung up. He regarded Lucy, more resigned than anything. “That was Lopez. She talked Tim into giving you a five minute reprieve before he barged in here demanding his phone back. She suggests we take it.”

“We?” Lucy echoed his reply, this time with mirth versus his own frustration. She looked down at Tim’s phone, fiddling with it nervously. “She called to save your ass, West. I think you should take it and leave me to my punishment.” Lucy heard Jackson’s steps reluctantly head towards the door. Her mind was already shuffling through various thoughts before she realized that the heavy sigh she heard wasn’t her own but from Jackson. She looked up, surprised to see him with his back resolutely against the door. He had his head tilt, curious, as he said, “You didn’t know.”

“Know what, Jackson?”

With a small smile, “That Tim Bradford and his -- quote -- ‘frustrating smirk that I don’t know whether to kiss or smack off his handsome face’ was the cause of Sad, Drunk Lucy.”

Lucy felt herself flush and knew immediately that the crush she had for her T.O., the man that had not too long ago literally pulled her up and out from a grave into light, wasn’t hidden quite as much as she had thought. Oh her mother would have a field day that she was susceptible to the Savior Complex!

She nodded her head sadly, “I was… slightly… aware of my crush on Bradford.” Lucy gave her friend a determined look, “It’s just a small thing, Jackson. Unrequited and easily managed.”

When Jackson snorted at her last few words, she narrowed her gaze and implored for an explanation. The man shook his own head, refusing to utter another word. Lucy stood up, about to demand for him to explain himself when Jackson gripped the door knob and said, “I’m going to do you a favor, Luce, and buy you some more time.”

Confused, “What? More time? For what?”

“To look for your folder.”

Lucy scoffed, holding up Tim’s phone. “But there is no folder, remember? This was yet another one of his stupid Tim Bradford tests! One that I failed, by the way!”

Jackson gave her a knowing look, “Lopez said that she saw it. But that it’s not what you think it is.” He opened the door slightly and proceeded to set the lock before he turned and added, “I can probably hold him back for another five minutes, Luce, but then I’m afraid he’ll end up kicking the door down.” He winked, “Good luck,” before disappearing from her sight.

What? The folder wasn’t what she thought it was? What was she to make of that?!

Lucy scrolled through the folders in The Boots, nodding as she concluded that she wasn’t mistaking them for other than badge numbers-- Wait a sec… She paused at a sequence that screamed out in haunting familiarity.

12919

Her hand unconsciously ghosted over a spot on the lower left side of her body. No. No... He wouldn’t. There is no way he’d use those numbers! No way that he’d use that particular date as a label to a folder of her most humiliating moments on the job! Tim wouldn’t be so cruel!

Lucy’s hands shook as she opened the folder, only to find to her dismay that it was indeed filled with pictures of her! She perused through, noting all the various moments of hilarity at her expense, and trying her best to remain calm and refrain from wanting to kick her T.O’s ass! Oh, she really didn’t need an extra five minutes, especially with her sudden urge to punch Tim’s face, no matter how infuriatingly handsome he is!

She intended to close the folder, the desire to verbally assault Bradford so strong, when her eyes caught a few abnormalities to her supposed gallery of shame. One was the photo they took at the hospital with the young boy that those two Instagramers had harangued. Another photo was of the two of them when Tim had gotten his commendation. There were a few more group pics scattered throughout and with the common trait being of the two of them sitting or standing next to each other.

And then there were the pictures that Lucy wasn’t aware had been taken of her! Some of them were taken in their shop, angled almost as if he had taken his phone from his pocket and took it with ninja-like discretion. Lucy noted that she was mostly gazing out the window in those pictures. A few had the light of the California sun emit a soft glow to her profile. Another batch of those had the shadows of the night sky cast around but never swallowing her. There was one that was taken while she was studying up on codes in the break room. A hard look of concentration with a hint of quirkiness when she had a pencil dangling from her lips. One picture had her talking with Nolan before roll call, her eyes sparkled as she was caught mid-laugh. Another picture was taken while they had answered a call near an animal shelter. Lucy couldn’t believe her luck when she talked Tim into letting her take a minute to look in on the canines! She must have been so enamored with the little creatures that her partner snuck a photo of her joy while she was cooing at one of the fur babies. On and on the different shots of her ranged; beyond the laughable moments to more delicate and lovely candids. Photos that exposed her in such a soft and unflinchingly human light that Lucy couldn’t help but feel her eyes water as she looked through them.

Lucy would have gotten lost staring at all these pictures had she not stumbled on a picture of herself in the hospital bed after one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. Or at least she assumed it was of her after the event, for the picture itself wasn’t a full body profile but merely a prominent shot of her hospital admittance band wrapped around her wrist. She held her gaze on the band, wondering why, of all things, it compelled Tim to focus on that particular shot.

Her eyes bounced back to the date featured on her folder and Tim’s voice weaved through her stream of thoughts. She remembered them to the point it became a mantra she buried within her heart.

“It wasn’t your day of death, Officer Chen. It was the first day of the rest of your life…”

Lucy mused on that, wondering… maybe even hoping? But hoping for what? Would she really, honestly, want what a piece of her heart is denying for fear of losing so much? She could stop. Just chalk it up to her T.O. having a secretive photography skill. Nothing more to ponder on. She really could stop despite the gallery of evidence literally in the palm of her hand. But Lucy couldn’t help but speculate if Tim himself saw that date not as a reminder of trauma but of feelings that was, maybe? possibly? born from that incident.

And boy did that thought take her breath away!

A little giddy at the idea that her feelings weren’t unrequited afterall, Lucy nearly missed the two harsh raps against the bathroom door. She, however, didn’t miss the bark of said man of current adoration as he called for her attention.

“I won’t hesitate to kick this door down, Boot, if you don’t get your ass out here! Now, Chen!”

Oh shit, she thought as she knew that he truly would cause such damage. She exited out of the photo app and swiftly shut his phone down. She quickened a glance at herself in the mirror, realized that she was presentable enough, and scrambled towards the door just as she heard him growl a countdown.

“--4, 3, 2…”

She swung the door open, looking up at him with her most dazzling smile. With the knowledge that she had gained, she wasn’t at all intimidated by his imposing scowl as he towered over her smaller frame. “Hi!” she squeaked, and wincing a bit at that sound. Okay so maybe he still instilled a bit of fear despite the fact that she knew how truly soft he was towards her.

Tim had one hand braced against the door frame while his other was on his hip as he leaned a little closer to her. His eyes darted up and down her person and she knew it was his way of making sure that she was physically fine. When he seemed okay with his assessment, his eyes pierced into her own and, well, Lucy tried her best to not look as guilty as she felt.

But there was a reason Tim was amazing at his job. “Chen…” he started, narrowing his eyes and holding his hand up, palm out. “My phone.”

Lucy was torn between acting petulant and feigning ignorance or just outright owning up to her misdeed. As she found herself in a staring contest with her seasoned colleague, Lucy realized that she had a better chance at coming out unscathed if she were honest versus dishonesty, no matter how playful an act she could put on. With a cheeky grin that she knew he found both infuriating and amusing, she pulled his phone from her back pocket and handed it over, and said, “Here you go… sir.” She hadn’t meant to add the address, nor meant to make it sound as sultry as she did if she had to go by his eyes briefly widening before becoming predatory.

He pocketed his phone but kept his gaze solely on her. The calculating look he had made her squirm and wow, she was in trouble, wasn’t she?

And because he knew her so well, Tim allowed a small smirk to slowly grace his face as he said, “You’re trouble.”

Lucy blinked, thinking she misheard him. She was about to voice as such before Tim shook his head, leaned in closer and clarified, “You heard me just fine, Officer Chen.”

She will utterly deny it to Jackson, goddamn it, that a small shiver fell through her when Tim used his authoritative voice on her. Just as she will deny the effect he had as he pulled back and grinned openly at her when he added, “Hope those photos were worth it. I know they are.”

Lucy gaped at his bravado, her mind racing as to how to properly respond to Tim openly candid with her. Before she could form a cohesive response, a flash nearly blinded… Oh no, he did not!

“Yep,” Tim smiled at his phone, already saving it into its designated Lucy folder, “That’s going into the Favorites.” He turned to head back towards the pool hall, but not before glancing back at his partner with a genuinely soft smile as he asked, “You coming, Lucy?”

Oh yeah, Lucy grinned, this was all Jackson’s fault, and she couldn’t be happier for it!

~fin~

[olaf-likeswarmhugs]

Olaf’s Frozen Adventure Part 1||  Chapter X: Texts Olaf Never Sent

A/N: So…how did Olaf end up in Swynlake?! The journey began months ago! Things sure are changing in the Icelandic Hollow, and the more they do, the more Olaf has to question.

In this chapter: Set over the past year, all the things Olaf never said. 

TW: Global warming/Climate change anxiety

@HULDUFOLK-HJARN

​CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN

April 2019

Olaf [deleted]: Hi Sindri! It’s been one month since you left on your BIG HUMAN ADVENTURE! I’m thinking about you today, especially because I’m working with a couple Frost-talents. Yup, slush-puddle duty again, haha, I know that I was just doing it when we talked yesterday but those puddles just won’t stay frozen i guess haha, anyway i’m glad its Spring so at least soon we won’t really have to worry abou

Olaf [deleted]: Viktor asked me how you were today and I realized we hadn’t talked in a week or so. He said you’re going to forget about me... that’s not true though right? 

Olaf [deleted]: We had 16 hours of sunlight today!!! Anna-mum and I went down to the black shores for pebble-collecting. :) I found one I think I’ll save for yo

May 2019

Olaf [deleted]: Happy Sugar Moon, Sindri! It feels like summer here already, it’s so beautiful! Is it nice where you are? I hear it rains a lot in England, so I hope you’re staying frosty! No meltdowns for my astvinur <3 <3 <3 

Olaf [deleted]: Elsa-mum just told me she’s going to travel to the Ok Hollow. She looked kind of nervous... I think something bad is happenin

Olaf [deleted]: Hey, I don’t know if I told you this, but Elsa and Kristoff are actually going to the Ok Hollow. Maybe its about the summer games? 

Olaf [deleted]: I was Baking-talent today and we made your favourite! Rúgbrauð! i snuck a whole loaf for you and then forgot you weren’t gonna be here to eat it haha. Could I mail it to Swynlake do you think? How does mail work? 

Olaf [deleted]: It’s been a week since Elsa-mum left. Anna-mum misses her a lot. I miss you a lot. 

Olaf [deleted]: ugh i was assigned slush-puddle duty with viktor again. xP He just keeps asking me questions about you and I don’t know how to answer...we should talk more, i think. I mean, you’re probably too busy, but if you’re not!

June 2019

Olaf [deleted]: Did you go to the Queen yet? I just had a nightmare you were without pixie dust ahahhahah but you definitely met the queen there right?? Not trying to nag!

Olaf [deleted]: Sindri, I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but Elsa-mum and a whole team of Frosts and Snow and Ice-talents went to Ok Hollow last month. They were supposed to be back yesterday, but Anna-Mum read the Lights, and they won’t be back until next week. :/ Anna-mum seems really concerned and lonely. I don’t really know what to do 

Olaf [deleted]: Do you think I should participate in the Summer Games? I can’t decide which talent I’d do! I wish you were here and then we could maybe do a team talent haha, maybe we could be a pebble-skipping team or somethi

Olaf [deleted]: Hi Sindri! No news to report haha, I was just thinking of you. How are you? 

Olaf [deleted]: Hi Sindri, Elsa-mum got back from visiting the Ok Hollow and the Frosts and Ice and Snow-talents were all called to a meeting with the Queen. I dont’ think that ever happened before. Did you ever meet with the queen for some special ice meeting ever? 

Olaf [deleted]: Hi Sindri! It’s been a little bit since we talked. :) How are your summer classes? Are you very busy? Have you been to see the Swynlake Queen yet, what’s she like? 

July 2019 

Olaf [deleted]: guh i’m sick sindri :((( the healing-talents say its hay fever. i dont want you to worry though, i’ll be fine. just have to take a few days off and put on this ointment! i have the gnarliest rash haha id sent you a picture but you’d get so worried, 

Olaf [deleted]: SINDRI THEY ARE CANCELING THE SUMMER GAMES!!  Olaf [deleted]: Sindri, agh, I should have told you about this earlier, I just didn’t want to stress you out or make you feel guilty bu Olaf [deleted]: Sindri I have very big news. It’s not good news. D: Its really bad news! Olaf [deleted]: Okay, no panicking or feeling bad, but I think everyone is starting to realize how right you were. Queen Iduna just canceled the Summer Games because Ok Hollow is Olaf [deleted]: Ok Hollow is melting Olaf [deleted]: Ok Hollow is moving to our Hollow. This is a really really long story I...  Olaf [deleted]: I feel so bad. I should have talked to you before this Olaf [deleted]: By August, Ok Hollow is going to be extinct...  Olaf [deleted]: I think you need to come home, Sindri. I think the Hollow needs you more than ever. Something awful has happened and I don’t think it will get better without you... 

Olaf [sent]: Hi Sindri :) How are you? How’s your new friend, Nemo? 

August 2019

Olaf [deleted]: Elsa-mum and Kristoff are returning to Ok hollow to help the fairies move here. I’m trying to stay positive. It will be nice to meet new people. Elsa-mum even said they have two Helpers of their own and now that we’ll have their Frosts and Snow and Ice-talents, I won’t do as much slush-puddle duty because things will definitely stay frozen when everyone is working together. So that’s good. Though I keep thinking, what if it doesn’t? It didn’t when Elsa froze the ponds, and you frosted them. You both are the best Ice-talent and Frost-talents I know! Queen Iduna says not to panic and that our Hollow will be very protected, but even she’s planning to go to Reykjavik later. Can you believe that? She’s going to go with Ok’s queen. Or I guess she won’t be a queen anymore...their Spring dried up....sorry, this is...I won’t send this I just feel like I have to get my thoughts out? I just don’t know how I’m supposed to help with any of this, I guess. I know I love being a Helper-talent but if I were an Ice or Snow or Frost, then maybe I could do more. I think that’s the help we all need right now. Or a Chill talent, so I could keep the air cool all the time... 

Olaf [deleted]: my hay fever is back. :(

Olaf [deleted]: Sindri, you know how much I love summer. But I’m starting to hate it, just a little bit. It’s just way too warm. I can’t wait until the summer is over. 

September 2019

Olaf [deleted]: Elsa-mum is going with Queen Iduna to the capital. Isn’t that crazy? She asked Iduna herself and Iduna said yes! Anna-mum is worried about her, but I think she’ll be okay, especially with the queen. It’s just kinda hard because Elsa-mum’s been going away a lot, you know, ever since May. But she’s representing Ice-talents and that’s very important. 

Olaf [deleted]: Anna-mum is upset with Elsa-mum because apparently Elsa lied to her when she’s going to be back from the capital (she went to the capital, btw, long story haha) Why do you think she’d do that? I think that can’t be true, and things are just taking longer in Reykjavik. 

Olaf [deleted]: Sindri, I have this restless feeling I can’t get rid of. I think I’ve had it my whole life? But when you were around, it was easier to ignore it, I think. But I keep feeling like I’m forgetting something. I just can’t figure it out. Do you think I’m forgetting something? 

Olaf [deleted]: What if everyone has slightly different talents than we think we do? Hear me out! What if Elsa-mum’s talent is actually Take-charge talent? Captain-talent? What if yours is Figuring-things-out talent and that’s why you had to go away? I was just thinking about you said, about me. And then I was thinking about Queen Gale, from the Ok Hollow. She doesn’t have a talent anymore because her Pixie Spring is gone. I was talking to her the other day because she’s actually training to be a Helper-talent now. She’s very calm and wise and a good listener, which I think actually means that all Royal-talents must be at least PART helper-talent anyway! Maybe our talents are bigger than we think, is what I’m trying to say, just really badly, haha. Or like...they’re like snow and we can shape them like when we build snow-bears and snow-fairies. :) Queen Gale liked when I said that. Anyway, I was just thinking... the sky’s awake, so I’m awake haha. I miss you, Sindri, i guess it makes me ramble

October 2019

Olaf [deleted]: SNOWBALLS SINDRI i told Queen Gale about what you said about me being a hugging talent lolol and then we were talking about it and how that restless feeling I have, that forgetting feeling? She says that sounds like a fairy who hasn’t found their talent. She says she’s going to talk to Queen Iduna about redoing my ceremony???? I can’t believe it! They just have to get back from Reykjavik, which oh yeah, i dont think I told you but Elsa went away to the capital aga

Olaf [deleted]: ELSA-MUM AND QUEEN IDUNA ARE BACK!!! Queen Gale is going to talk to Queen Iduna tomorrow. Oooooh, I’m nervous, Sindri. I know if you were here, you’d tell me is silly to be nervous because nothing bad will happen haha. Still! What if she says yes? 

Olaf [deleted]: SHE SAID YES I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHE SAID YES

Olaf [deleted]: Viktor says its stupid I’m getting a redo. :( He laughed and said, who messes up their Arrival? He’s kind of right, lol. What if nothing happens again? Icicles, you were right, he really is a jerk. 

Olaf [deleted]: Hilda seemed really upset when I told her D: She’s right, I dunno why I’m looking to leave Helping-talent when there are only five of us. And with two hollows squished into one, there’s so much to do! Agh. I think I’m being very selfish. I like Helping! I really do! Do you think I should tell Queen Iduna to call it off... 

Olaf [deleted]: Two days until my ceremony! I think I should call it off. I’m going to. 

Olaf [deleted]: I nearly called off my ceremony but Queen Gale talked me out of a total meltdown lololol it was really embarrassing i was crying slush puddles all over her 

Olaf [deleted]: One day until my ceremony!!! How long does a flight take from Swynlake to here? Just wondering haha just....wondering

Olaf [deleted]: It’s today. I’m really nervous. Sindri, I’m really really nervous. I think I’m going to call it off, I can’t do this. 

Olaf:  Sindri, you’re probably busy with classes, so just ignore the fact I called! I’m fine, Anna-mum and Elsa-mum are here now. :) I’m going to call you after my ceremony. ^.^ Just a few hours to go! 

November 2019: 

Olaf [deleted]: First day on the job! I’m really nervous again. But deep breaths, right? Do you think maybe we could talk, just for a little bit...I know you’re busy but...

Olaf [deleted]: First day DONE! It wasn’t so bad. Kinda boring? Haha. But I think it will get better. Kinda missed Hilda and Bjorn and Queen Gale though. :( 

Olaf [deleted]: Whoa, Sindri, Viktor came in and asked for a hug and when I hugged him, he totally had a meltdown. We talked for like, two hours? Viktor says he’s scared because the slush puddles are still happening.. even though its Aurora-moon now and everything. And then he was talking about how he feels like he’s not a good enough frost-talent :/ I think this whole time he’s been really jealous of you since you’re better at doing the patterns in the frost and now, when things are melting all the time, it feels like even just regular frosting doesn’t matter too much. I told him of course it matters though. Of course it does! I think it matters even more than it did before! But he said he’s thinking of leaving too? I can’t believe it. What if all our Frosts leave and then...well, what then, not saying that you...I mean I don’t want to blame you, it’s not your fault at all! It’s not Viktor’s fault either. None of this is anyone’s fault. :( ugh. Wow, it’s been a long day

Olaf [deleted]: Viktor came back and he brought like, 6 other Frosts from Ok Hollow. We talked and cuddled. It mostly made me miss you though :/ They all miss their home too....

Olaf [deleted]: Honeymaren says the waiting room is not a hang-out room. :((((

Olaf [deleted]: Elsa-mum is going to the capital again. Anna-mum is so so angry... I think I need a hug lol 

Olaf [deleted]: Glade, Gliss, and Magnus all came in for hugs. The glacier is shrinking. Everyone is really upset. I’m really upset. I feel like there must be more I can do? Is this really all I can do? We’re all going to melt away-- maybe not this Winter, maybe not next, but I think everyone realizes it’s going to happen. Sindri, what can I do? 

Olaf [deleted]: Viktor told me to tell you hi and he’s sorry and that he always thought you were really cool and that we should all hang out when you come home to visit!!! Do you know when that will be? 

December 2019

Olaf [deleted]: Elsa-mum came back. They’ve been fighting for hours. I’m looking outside at the sky, and its so beautiful-- but how can it be beautiful when they’re fighting? How can the aurora lights be blue like winter when the world is melting? How can I ever stop missing you? Sindri, come home. I don’t want to be like Anna-mum. But come home, before there’s no home left. 

December 19, 2019

Olaf [deleted]: sindri i can't sleep :/ 

Olaf [deleted]:  i just keep thinking...what if we never see each other again? what if you never get enough money to come home? what if i cant get enough money to see you? Its  

Olaf [deleted]: i really

Olaf [deleted]: i miss you

Olaf [deleted]: im scared im going to miss you for my whole life 

[araminthe-ispwitch]

hi so i love your writing its amazing i especially love gay highschool romance its my favourite i was wondering if i could have some advice im trying to write a school fic and im not sure how to transition between different characters since theres quite a lot. its in third person if that helps. if you have any other tips for school fics id be happy to hear them :)

WOWOKAY HOLY SHIT IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE SOMEONE PRAISED MY KNB FIC

(Alsoshit I have to update OTL)

((butalso wOW??? SOMEONE’S ASKING FOR WRITING ADVICE FROM ME???))

(((Okay,I rambled way too much here with advice when you were just asking aboutcharacter transitions… so uh I’ll just put this under Keep Reading. Anon, yourspecific question is answered on #6. If anyone’s interested in writing tips, feel free to skip some ramblings.)))

Well,okay, actually, The ExaggeratedlyPerilous Journey of a Gay High School Romance or GHSR had been my veryfirst school fic (I can’t count that one DNAngel fic ‘cause the setting washalf-outside of school…) and the one thing I noticed while writing it was that ahuge cast of characters needs to be handled with care, otherwise things cangrow way out of proportion.

Letme give a little more exposition on what happened to me exactly first, so you’llunderstand how important writing this fic had been for me:

GHSRwas my second fic in my entire life. After my DNAngel fic (which I really don’t encourage you guys to readunless you want a cringe-y flashback to your teenage weaboo days), I took along break from writing until KnB came along and inspired me. Now, whathappened in that break was that I got slowly influenced by other writers’styles as I read and read, so once I started creating GHSR, it was oodles morerefined than my first fic.

Butit still had that weaboo factor in it somewhere. I hadn’t practiced in a while,so I haven’t gotten rid of that thing yet.

(Andhere I will admit that my first writing style was really heavily inspired by acertain DNAngel fic author. She had written crackfics and I unfortunately adoptedher habit of using “blunette, blue orbs, teardropped, etc.” Yeah. Are youcringing yet? ‘Cause I am. Still, thanks for inspiring me, lady.)

Now,when I wrote Ch. 1 and 2 of GHSR, I was still using my old style. But as Iwrote chapters 3, 4, and 5—and as my word count climbed higher and higher forevery chapter jesus christ—I finally started to find my own style and startedcorrecting all the cringe-y habits I had before (hence why I had refined Chapter1 a while back). So what I’m saying here,anon, is that that experimental school fic of mine practically made me realize howto properly write a school fic.

(I’msorry this will be a bit longer pls bear with me let’s focus on the advice partnow)

Okay,first of all, if your school fic will be having a huge cast (because you canactually writing a fic set in a school without writing a lot of characters init), it’s best to really know each character’s persona. This is easy since if youread a lot of fanfics about the fandom you’re going to write for, you will havea lot of references on how the character is written by the majority. Forexample, I learned how to write Takao by reading works about him, and then Ijust added my own interpretation of him a bit and viola, I now have a Takao whofits my “everyone goes to one school” AU. It’s amazing because a lot of myreaders tell me Takao is so in-character in my fic, but when you really thinkabout it, his entire character isn’t completely shown in the canon as opposedto Kuroko or Kagami, right? But I managed to write him well enough that heseems natural to the readers because they’ve read other works about him, too—andall because I did my research on how his character works!

Anotherexample for this is when I fucked up Kagami’s character. OTL

Backin GHSR’s Ch. 1, I freely wrote Kagami as this food-loving delinquent who ispretty much down to fight. I was sofucking wrong. Watching the next seasons of KnB, I realized with horrorthat I fudged him up so bad and was really so embarrassed and basically, Iwanted to delete my fic right then and there. He’s a food lover, yeah, but he’snot actually actively looking fortrouble. He’s actually a well-mannered kid who is just skirting close todelinquency due to his looks, but is actually just a huge basketball dork.Those times he gets in trouble with authorities? Not actually his fault becausehe’s a mischievous kid—he’s just really unlucky lmao.

(Andthat is why I rewrote Ch. 1. I didn’t do enough research on him and I felt bad.OTL)

Okay,so basically this first advice is me telling you to read other fanfics and do your research. Major characters arepretty easy since they’re popular. It’s the side/minor ones you have to payattention to if you’re going to make them protagonists like what I did withGHSR, since they’re not fully fleshed out and it’s up to the fans to give themtheir own interpretation (like what I did with Sakurai Ryou). A word ofcaution, though: you have to be carefulin distinguishing canon from fanon during your writing. Fanon tends tooverwhelm the canon when the fandom accepts it more—when in reality, the fanonis inaccurate. I can’t think of an example in KnB, but in Yuri on Ice, OtabekAltin had become an Ensemble Dark Horse character in the anime because of hisconnection to Yuri Plisetsky, one of the major characters. Despite his littlescreen time, he’s now one of the most popular guys in the fandom and because ofhis character profile’s small size, the fans have pretty much supplied itthemselves—which kind of ruined his persona a bit. I’ve seen some fanworkswhere he seemed out of character, and that’s a bit dangerous when you’rewriting. So tread carefully when researching characters through fanworks.

Secondadvice: research school fics by reading school fics. Yep, this oneis pretty simple. Just find a school fic, and if you can’t put it down, keepreading and enjoy. You can come back for serious studying on it. (You can do soon my fic lol.) Even better: find a school fic on the fandom you’re going towrite for! If its style is within your standards, then go ahead and use it as astudy material. You might think I’m telling you to copy it, but oh no, I’m actuallytelling you to let it influence yourknowledge of how school fics work. For example, when I was inspired towrite for DNAngel, I never bothered about the mechanics of how schools incertain countries work—because I thoughtthat all schools in the world worked the same. (I hate teenage me.) It wasonly through spending enough time with anime and fanfics that bothered todescribe the Japanese schools’ inside slipper system that I realized that “oh fuck I’ve been basing Japanese schoolson my country’s schools oH SHIT”. Now, I can get away with that in DNAngel,where the rules and the world are a bit screwy. But I cannot bullshit my way through KnB, an anime that is fucking based in Japan. I, as a writer, amexpected to be responsible enough to research the setting of KnB, which is Japan’s education system. So not only amI telling you to research by reading school fics, I am also telling you toresearch the setting of the story. Chances are, there will be some differencesfrom what you know and what is actually real. And not only the setting, too, butthe culture of the school—not all schools mandate their students to clean theirrooms by themselves, and not all schools freely allow their students to go therestroom (looking at you, America). These are simple things you can look up onGoogle, and if you’re lucky, you’ll come across stuff like this in Tumblr, too.

Thirdadvice: it’s okay to be vague sometimes.There’s no need for you to be specific on a lot of details or even reverentlywrite what happened to a character the whole day. You can skip the time to amore interesting event or just be general about something. Because if you getway too focused on giving out every detail, not only will it bore your readers,it will also bore you and tire you out. Take GHSR, for example. In Ch. 5, thetimeline was from Tuesday to Friday, but despite my overly-long chapter, I didn’tactually write every single day on the story from morning to night. I showedwhat was happening in school in general and skipped to the really important andeventful moments for my characters to give movement to the story. Because I can’tjust put so much interaction if it doesn’t mean anything—that would be pointlessand exhausting. This really helpswhen your school fic has a huge cast, like mine. (In fact, the only reason thefirst few chapters were reverently following each day was because the startingcast was small, but it’ll soon grow and I’ll have to put plenty of time-skips.)

Eventhough what you’re writing is a school fic, you still have a designatedprotagonist, so most of the story revolves around them, hence the need to notdetail every single aspect of their life. It’s only called a school fic becausethat’s their setting.

Fourthadvice: your protagonist doesn’t have totalk to everybody in the room. Imagine Kagami in his classroom in my fic,with Aomine beside him, and Kuroko and Sakurai at the back. And then all theother classmates have been replaced with the cast of KnB—so technically, everyoneknows each other inside that room. Now, just because Kagami knows everyonedoesn’t mean he’s entitled to chat all of them up—nor are you entitled to forcehim to. Some writers (most especially those starting out, as I saw this yearsago, but hopefully, this generation has learned) think they have to forceinteractions for everybody so it won’t be boring, but actually, that would besuch a tedious process. You have to think about this realistically, even thoughit’s fiction. Even the most social butterfly in KnB would get tired if theyhold conversations with everyone in the span of a certain period of time. Thepurpose of a school fic is to emulate a school setting, and you don’t reallysee everyone interacting with each other, right? That would be chaos. Let therebe peace—in intervals. For example, when Misdirection was having their firstpractice in GHSR back in Ch. 4, everyone knew each other in the clubroom, but Ididn’t write them all talking to each other. Aomine and Midorima were isolatedfrom the rest and hadn’t talked to the others unless necessary. So unless your character wants to interact with someone specifically, it’sokay to just let them be silent.

Fifthadvice: DON’T PHYSICALLY DESCRIBE YOURCHARACTERS WHEN YOU’RE WRITING IN THEIR PERSPECTIVE.JUST DON’T. There’s this post I’ve found in Tumblr  (which I urge you to read) after finishing Chapter5, where it’s a bit demeaning to refer to the character you’re using with blandtitles/epithets like “the blonde” or “the male”, as if that was the only thing going for them. I admitted that it is, but at the same time, I gottause this style sometimes becausethere will always be scenes where several characters are all altogether. InGHSR, I can’t help but refer to Hyuga as the “bespectacled one” because thereare other black-haired upperclassmen besides him. Even with Kagami and Akashi—Ihave to distinguish the two. It helps that you describe their other features,but giving them titles like the ones above can be a bit too much if there’s noone else in the area that has the same description, ya know? So I propose this:

Don’tdo this:

The black-haired and blue-eyed kickboxer stared at the mop of blondehair he could see outside the gates and sighed.

Do this:

The kickboxer stared at the mop of blonde hair he could see outsidethe gates and sighed.      

“ButAra!” you say, with shocked eyes, “isn’t the first one your style? That line wasin the beginning of Chapter 5!”

Yes,it is. But you know what else? I wrote that line over two fucking years ago. I posted the chapter over a year ago and I didn’t edit that lineout. But over the course of a year, my style concerning this naming thing haschanged, and now I am actively trying to lessen that kind of thing in my works.I didn’t have to remind my readers that Kasamatsu Yukio had black hair and blueeyes. That was just my ego talking,being fancy as I add the descriptions to his title. That whole thing wasone of the very habits I’ve retained from my DNAngel days—and I fucking hate it actually so please don’t emulate me and just keepyour character’s self-perspective simple. Please.

Okay,sixth advice (and the last one for now because this has become too long): transitioning between characters inthird-person perspective is easy as long as you keep things SIMPLE. Sobasically, you just have to apply the simplicity above when leaping from onecharacter to another! It’s actually pretty easy when it involves dialogue:

Sakurai chuckled nervously at the answer. “I-I’m sure they canimprove, Sensei.”

“Oh, I’m hoping for it. Otherwise, we’ll all be in trouble,” said Kogawith an aggravated sigh.

“Maybe if you didn’t suspend us, we wouldn’t be struggling right now,”muttered Aomine, glancing sideways at the door.

See?For every line of dialogue, there was a corresponding character assigned to it.Dialogue tags and extra exposition helps.

Onthe other hand, for internal narration:

As much as Kise wanted to see Kasamatsu as soon as possible, hedecided to hold back since it was obvious his best friend needed a companion—anotion that Midorima rejected almost immediately, of course. Shintarou didn’tneed anyone tagging along with him as he switched from one department toanother. And he most definitely didn’t need Kise Ryouta pestering him withquestions about Takao.

Seehow in the first half, the narration was in Kise’s third-person POV, and thenon the other half, it’s Midorima’s? As long as you’re referring to who is thinkingat the moment and showing the readers whose mind it is you’re narrating,everything will be fine.

Thisalso works with dialogue-to-narration:

“You four are already in an agreement, correct?” he askedmatter-of-factly. The four high-schoolers paused at his words, staring at himin surprise and bubbling dread. There was something about the way the lightglinted off the math teacher’s glasses that warned them to be cautious, and sothey reluctantly nodded.

Thefirst sentence was in Koga-sensei’s POV, then the rest was showing what Kagami,Aomine, Kuroko, and Sakurai were experiencing.

Justkeep things simple. The best tip I can offer here is “if you’re gettingconfused by the transitions yourself,then chances are, your readers will be, too.”

Soagain:

1)Study your characters’ personas.

2)Research by finding similar works.

3)Being vague in storytelling is alright sometimes.

4)Social interaction with each character in a large group isn’t a must.

5)Don’t dump descriptions on your character all the time. (Unless you’re writingcomedy, but that’s for another lesson.)

6)Keep things simple so character transitions aren’t confusing or jarring.

That’sall I can think of for now. If you still have specific questions, don’t beafraid to message me! Honestly, though? Just keep on experimenting andpracticing with your writing. Read fanfics and do your research. That phasebetween DNAngel and KnB was my dominant experimental phase and actually, I’mstill improving and refining my own style, which you’ll notice if you check outmy new fics. Go and find your own style, too! :)

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down. 

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out. 

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it. 

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts. 

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing. 

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way. 

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her. 

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago. 

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode. 

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle. 

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal. 

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears. 

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could. 

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though. 

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either. 

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before. 

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

[junker-town]

THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE: Ohio State fans suspect a Deep Ohio State plot

J.T. Barrett blackmailing Urban Meyer? Kevin Wilson leading a coup? Your weekly tour of the best in college football internet anger plants its flag in Columbus.

Ohio State took a home pounding against Oklahoma on Saturday night, dropping the Buckeyes from No. 2 to 8 in the AP Poll. Buckeyes fans were so angry that this week, they’re all LOSING THEIR BLACK STRIPES and being featured on THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE. Let’s dive into the best of Ohio State’s post-OU internet scene.

We start our journey in Urban Meyer’s Twitter mentions.

Everyone was supportive of the man who’s now 62-7 with a national championship at Ohio State.

Meyer had criticized ex-OSU assistant Tom Herman in the press this week, after Herman said he couldn’t “sprinkle some fairy dust” on his new team at Texas to make it good.

I mean, other than faking a heart condition and leaving @UF in shambles with murderers and criminals. #dealwithit #fail #tosu

— Bob Loblaw (@guiltybyproxy) September 10, 2017

Just a reminder @OSUCoachMeyer you lost and you suck and are a terrible excuse for a human being

— Mock Wahlberg (@FredJonesWalter) September 10, 2017

@OSUCoachMeyer #notmadjustdisappointed

— Jason Guffey (@guffalito) September 10, 2017

WTF @OSUCoachMeyer You suck leave Ohio State good recruiter not a good coach

— BEAT ARMY (@lilbuck55) September 10, 2017

Buckeye Conspiracy Theory No. 1: Is J.T. Barrett blackmailing Meyer to keep the starting QB job?

The only way JT Barrett keeps his starting job is if he has some serious dirt on @OSUCoachMeyer #Buckeyes

— Alex (@10115721) September 10, 2017

A message board thread posits the same question:

What does JT have on urban Meyer? Why is he so in love with this below average QB? Does he want to win championships? This QB is not going to win ilia championships!!!

Buckeye Conspiracy No. 2: Is Meyer’s own offensive coordinator plotting to take the head coaching job?

The denizens of Buckeye Sports were restless, and some are buying that Ohio State’s OC is plotting to overthrow Meyer.

THREAD: “Absurd Conspiracy Theory:”

Kevin Wilson might be looking for an elite head coaching job, and what better place to consider than where he is currently located.

If so, would Wilson care if our fan base called for Meyer's head? Who would be next in line on Meyer's staff? Would Wilson care if our fans thought Meyer was over-riding his ideas in this dysfunctional offense? Maybe Meyer partially is, and maybe that would be justification in his mind?

It goes deeper.

Just a note, -long time Wilson confidant, Bob Stoops, was in the building last night. Who would Wilson be more loyal to?

Yes, this is pretty f-ing absurd I agree...and I would like to have more faith that backstabbing and conniving like this doesn't go on..but stranger things have happened.

Hopefully, Meyer watches his back.

The first person to reply was really, really sure that this is happening:

Not a conspiracy at all.

It goes deeper.

Weren't you watching last week? It's no coincidence that Wilson's former team had a 21-20 lead against OSU. There's been rumblings that IU had knowledge of OSUs first half game plan. Who else but Wilson could've supplied that information? There's lots of talk about how shady Wilson is in how he interacts with the rest of the staff. At some point Meyer will have to cut ties with Wilson before the end of the season.

Another member of that board suggests Barrett is aging in reverse, a truly devious maneuver against Meyer.

THREAD: “He’s aged 20 years in 4.”

JT looks old. Like a 39 yr old veteran with ice packs on both knees just trying to grind out one more season of glory before his body goes out to pasture. The problem is he's not 39. This is not a 16 yr NFL vet giving it one last harrah. This is a college football player who should be in the best shape of his life! What happened to this kid? He used to be able to run! Never confused for a burner but he certainly could pickup his feet and move making him effective at chewing up yards on the ground. Now he looks like he's moving in slow motion out there. His 40 time must've slipped from about a 4.6 to a 5.2 during his extended tenure at tOSU. Old grandpa looking QB smh. Old and tired

Let’s stroll on over to r/OhioStateFootball.

THREAD: “To all the JT fans, who said he shouldn't be benched...”

THREAD: “Save the Barrett hate”

The first comment:

Can we start now?

THREAD: “I'm an Army cadet and I'm planting a flag once Army wins.”

Try to stop me.

I can’t think of a more moving example of U.S. military personnel planting a flag. The Black Knights play at Ohio State next week. Baker Mayfield did this Saturday:

Baker Mayfield plants the OU flag in the Ohio State logo at midfield http://pic.twitter.com/Ovas203PqP

— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) September 10, 2017

Others at r/OhioState were furious.

THREAD: “Fuck Baker Mayfield and the Oklahoma Sooners.”

I never thought something like what Mayfield just did would piss me off so much. Don't plant shit on our field. Especially not on the "O". You RESPECT the "O". You piece of shit. Just take your W, go home and run around out there. You looked like a kindergartener out running like that. Learn to respect your opponents next time, asshole.

Later, a revision:

EDIT: I know we can be dicks too, I was just in the moment talking and getting pissed that's all

THREAD: “How I feel after the OSU Vs Oklahoma game.”

Via Haedman on Reddit

At the Bucknuts forums, users feared the mods were in on the conspiracy.

THREAD: “Barret is the Problem (respond quick!; mod deletion imminent!)”

THREAD: “Hey Staff

How about growing a SET and demanding to know from Urban himself when this crapshow offense is gonna stop and these 4 and 5 star recruits will be played to the strengths and potential??? 3 of the last 4 games and the same old crap offense!

The first response:

Well said! Sick and tired of hearing our "WHAC SOURCES", they are all full of shit! Please give me some honest intell on what the hell is going on inside the WHAC! Prince still sucks, JT is still inaccurate, and the WR still suck! It this staff didn't bring really good recruiting info. I would cancel my membership! Duane will probably lock this thread now!

THREAD: “Have Fun”

Recruiting after that.

Ohio State has the No. 1 recruiting class in the country and could finish with the highest-rated class in the history of recruiting rankings.

THREAD: “Urban needs to change ...”

Or be fired. I'm sorry, I can't watch this dogshit anymore. Fucking pathetic!

THREAD: “If you have 9 captains”

You have none... Is this any different than the old saying... if you have 2 QBs you have none... just something to think about...

Leadership is about what you do and not what you say... Urban has been talking a good game but for the last 3 years but you have to start wondering about his actions...

Can't he see that "his" offense has been figured out especially with a QB that lacks the ability to "perform" on the big stages he has been on... We should all be so thankful for Cardale Jones and Tom Herman in 2014 or we would be 0-fer right now on NCs... at this point in time unless something drastically changes we will not beat PSU or SCUM this year... just won't happen...

THREAD: Leadership

For a team with 9 captains, I'm not seeing a lot of leadership on this team. We played flat 90% of the game tonight.

THREAD: “Last post from me for awile”

THREAD: “This team sucks on defense”

We can't cover an old lady. I'm a life long buckeye and I'm done. Urban Meyer is the most overrated coach in college football. Losing to this shit is deplorable. Bye bye buckeyes...

Here are some comments on articles at Eleven Warriors.

I cannot imagine how fucking easy it is for an opposing defensive coordinator to prepare and coach against our offense. Our offense seriously looks like a Division 5 high school offense. It's absolutely pathetic and it's embarrassing. I REALLLLY wish I could be a fly in the wall in some of these meetings when we play legitimate teams. Their defensive staffs seriously have to laugh their asses off at how impotent we are.

And:

Urban is to blame for everything, you pissed the last 2 years, 2 years ago you screwed up against MSU, you cost your players and coaches and buckeye nation back to back nattys. Why don't you just call the damn plays. Too damn bad you can't coach as good as you can talk, you couldn't carry Nick's or Dabo's jock strap right now. If you can't do any better than this, then quit!

Facebook was a battlefield, too.

One user wrote:

They should fire Urban Meyer, bench JT Barrett, rip up the turf, get rid of Brutus

Photo by Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

Brutus, fleeing the vicinity

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The Buckeyes suck. TJ barrett can not hit the broad of a barn. And 4&5 star receivers who can not get open or catch the ball when they do.

Dikirim oleh Bill Lewis pada 10 September 2017

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Fucking pathetic display of awesome option football Urban I can't wait till they finally can your ass. Should've done it...

Dikirim oleh Shawn Smith pada 10 September 2017

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Cut his pay or fire him

Posted by Douglas Noble on Sunday, September 10, 2017

After a Big Ten title game loss a few years ago, Meyer ate a pizza ...

Surrounded by family, Urban Meyer eats postgame pizza very quietly in corridor beneath Lucas Oil Stadium. http://pic.twitter.com/80FtTVegWQ

— George Schroeder (@GeorgeSchroeder) December 8, 2013

... so some people tweeted his wife to make sure he didn’t eat another.

@spinnershells No Papa John's tonight. OK?

— The Cincy Buckeye (@TheCincyBuckeye) September 10, 2017

The good folks at Eleven Warriors made a 12-minute, 44-second video of nothing but sad Ohio State fans leaving the Horseshoe.

Everything here’s melancholy. But if Buckeye melancholy your thing, it’s great.

One commenter says:

Generally speaking, we have the most irrational fan base in all of college football. I could care less what they think.

[olaf-likeswarmhugs]

Olaf’s Frozen Adventure Part 1 || Chapter Five: November 13

  A/N: So…how did Olaf end up in Swynlake?! The journey began months ago! Things sure are changing in the Icelandic Hollow, and the more they do, the more Olaf has to question. In this chapter: Things get worse  @huldufolk-hjarn​ ​CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR 

Olaf: hey sindri are you around?

Sindri: yES

Olaf: Hey! Olaf: how's it going

Sindri: it's okay Sindri: how are you

Olaf: I started my new talent placement which has been a very exciting thing! Olaf: lots of NEW

Sindri: that sounds really fun are you liking it?

Olaf: Yeah! Olaf: Im working in the clinic with the listening, nursing, and healing-talents. I get to greet everyone when they come in and say goodbye when they leave. And if they need it, that's when I can give em the ol super Olaf hug Olaf: its nice because i still get to see a lot of different fairies! Kinda weird to be in one place the whole day though haha

Sindri: olaf i'm sad

Olaf [deleted]: there's just this ONE thing i wanted to tell you about thats kinda WEIRD Olaf: you are? that's okay sindri. do you wanna talk about it?

Sindri: i don't know what's wrong but i think i just really miss you

Olaf: i miss you too sindri thats why i texted you Olaf: i was like frost there is just one person i want to talk to and its my best friend

Sindri: sorry you were still talking Sindri: do you like staying in once place all day?

Olaf: No no no i was just gonna ramble, if you need to talk about other stuff we can Olaf: our best friend senses were mutually activated haha

Sindri: i just really miss you olaf like a lot and i think i'm sort of crumbling apart Sindri: maybe i shouldn't have come here Sindri: what if leaving was a big mistake and i just need to go home

 Olaf [deleted]: you know, there is nothing wrong with admitting failure! coming home sounds GREAT Olaf: I don't think leaving could ever be a /mistake/ even if its maybe not what you thought ti was or it turns out you do have to come home. you definitely needed to leave, you worked really really hard to

Sindri: well i feel like an idiot Sindri: a lonely idiot

Olaf: you're not an idiot Olaf: you're the smartest and bravest fairy i know

Sindri: i need a hug

Olaf: ugh that is what i am BEST AT Olaf: :/

Sindri: i know

Olaf: ok im texting nemo to give u a hug from me Olaf: sindri do you think it would help if you moved into the hollow there??? Olaf: i mean i know its farther from the school and you'd have to work in the hollow but... Olaf: at laest you'd be closer to nemo! Olaf: and he'd give you your seven hugs!

Sindri: i don't know Sindri: i don't know anything right now

 Olaf: ://// Olaf: hey Olaf: I love you Sindri, you know that. and im so so so so proud of you. every day, i think about how lucky i am to have a best friend like you Olaf: i believe you're gonna save the whole planet, sindri i really do

Sindri: you're the best person i know olaf and i'm so proud of you too i really am and i'm so happy you learned what your talent is and that you're having fun

Olaf: yeah i am i am Olaf: haha this really weird thing happened tho lol Olaf: its kind of a long story so let me know if now isnt the best time!

Sindri: no you should tell me i'm gonna go see nemo so i can talk to you on the way

Olaf: AHHH GOOD IM SO GLAD 🤝  thats me shaking hands with nemo! Olaf: he's a good kid i like him a lot sindri u tell him that

Sindri: i will

Olaf: okay! sooo story time ahaha

Olaf: So you know how the clinic waiting area is technically for both the healing ward AND the listening ward? so thats kind of like my office! They might bring me a desk so it will be very official, but right now i just kinda sit in one of the chairs and if anyone seems upset, I ask them if they need anything, like water, or a hug (since hugs are what im best at) Olaf: soooo it kinda looks like im a weirdo just loitering around right now haha which is funny Olaf: also there are big stretches where i dont do anything at all. but thats okay too because i can just read, which is always a delight Olaf: anyway so i was actually reading at the time when guess what?? Olaf: the mums walked in! they were really shocked to see me because i guess they thought when i was assigned to the clinic, they thought id be in the /healing/ clinic, not the /waiting area/ haha

Sindri: wow your job sounds really fun Sindri: did you get to hug them did they need hugs Sindri: i miss your mums

Olaf: well that's the funny part because they definitely did haha  Olaf: they were there to see honeymaren, the listening talent! they've been going for MONTHS and never told me! Olaf: I was like MUMS what are you doing here?? and they were like, Olaf, we didn't know you were going to be here! Olaf: and i was like MUMS WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE Olaf: and they were like welp gotta go to our appointment olaf talk to you later Olaf: and then we did talk and they might be breaking up Olaf: Weird!

Sindri: ...waht

Olaf: right! Olaf: Isnt that so bizarre??? Olaf: I'm very shocked

Sindri: are you okay

Olaf: I'm fine Olaf: Im confused Olaf: I think its crazy they didnt tell me they have been having problems for months and going to appointments behind my back, haha

Sindri: you're allowed to be not fine you knwo

Olaf: oh no im fine its fine Olaf: i mean they cant actually break up right Olaf: that would be LITERALLY insane haha

Sindri: they might though....right? that's what they said

Olaf: Right. but. they're the mums Olaf: They promised to be together Olaf: They Promised Olaf: you cant just break a Promise

Sindri: i'm so sorry this is happening olaf Sindri: i really hope they don't break up

Olaf: They cant, it just wont happen Olaf: They'll figure it out! I mean, you know my Mums, they love each other more than ANYTHING in the world

Sindri: yeah you're right Sindri: they will figure it out

 Olaf: yup! Olaf: whew Olaf: It has been a very long, weird day Sindri Olaf: If you were here, we could go to the evergreens and eat maple sticky nutcake

Sindri: that sounds fun i would love to do that with you

Olaf: yeah it does. Olaf: maybe i could fall thru a slush puddle for old times sake haha then u'd have to fly me home

Sindri: u made me cry again Sindri: in kind of a good way though

Olaf: oh good Sindri: i just love you

Olaf: i love you too Olaf: i kinda miss super slush puddle sindri and olaf tag team!

Sindri: me too lol

Olaf: right??? it was fun. really cold, but fun Olaf: i guess there's no use for a hugger though out on the puddles Olaf: Plus it wouldnt be AS fun without u

Sindri: yes there is! cold people need hugs too

Olaf: oh, true! Maybe I could ask Queen Iduna if she thinks i should do a field rotation

Sindri: you should!

 Olaf: yeah, i might Olaf: I should probably do this for more than a week first haha, get in the swing and all but Olaf: maybe after that i'll ask

Sindri: and you'll let me know how it goes right

Olaf: yeah definitely Olaf: hey just wondering, are you planning to come home at any point to visit

Sindri: i can't really afford to which is so stupid

Olaf: right yeah of course Olaf: I just didnt know if you were maybe thinking of saving up or something Olaf: not that you NEED to

Sindri: i've been trying to Sindri: i don't think i'll have enough for this winter break though

Olaf: right, thats fine! maybe for summer? Olaf: for my birthday? Olaf: or some other day haha

Sindri: I can try really hard to have it for your birthday Sindri: i'll work more shifts

Olaf: just dont overwork yourself

Sindri: i won't