#this anniversary for new horizons i’ve really been looking back on the early days of this game

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Chinese Food

I’ve written a whole bunch about my first date with J. If you check out When We Met posts here, you can read about it in depth if you’d like. But this post is about our second date, and about who J is, and about his amazing consistency and how much I’m still totally in love with him and that particular part of him after 19 years.

First, a little background on J. I’ve mentioned before that J is a lot like Jimmy Chitwood from the movie Hoosiers. That’s because J really did grow up in rural Indiana. And a consequence of this, other than wholesome farm boy good looks and steadfast Midwestern integrity, is that he’s not a very adventurous eater. J grew up considering pizza from a chain delivery joint as Italian food. He hadn’t tried much international or fusion style cuisine when we’d met. In fact, he hadn’t tried any at ALL until he was an adult working on his own, spending a lot of time away from home with a bunch of people who didn’t grow up in rural Indiana. And he’s not exactly a master chef either. (Some day I’m gonna replant the post Peanut Butter here about J making me dinner in our newlywed days. Seriously.) So he wasn’t experimenting at restaurants or in the kitchen. Our first date was at a TGI Fridays. Not to insult Fridays (it’s still my favorite cheesecake), but they are a fairly tame and safe first date place. Everybody will like something there. It’s not a horizon broadening kind of a place to eat.

I’ve also written before about how J pays attention to me. He always has. He paid attention to the information I wrote on my dating site profile. Not just ‘woman seeking man’ and not even just 'college educated feminist seeking committed relationship,’ but details like 'loves to cook and addicted to watching shows starring celebrity chefs’ and 'used to work at a high end catering service.’ He surmised that *I* was an adventurous eater. So as our first date was winding down (and I had *already* fallen really hard for him), J said, “I’d like to take you out again. Soon. Saturday?” Um…YES! “Do you like Chinese food? *I* like Chinese food! I tried it for the first time a few weeks ago with some friends at work. Where’s your favorite place to get Chinese food? Let’s go there.” That’s where we went on our second date. J hadn’t tried any Chinese food until he was 31 years old, only a few weeks before I found him online. J ordered General Tso’s chicken on our second date, and told me the story of how he’d ordered that on his first try of Chinese food, based on friends’ recommendations, and that he really liked it, but they didn’t tell him not to actually EAT those hot pepper pods that come in that dish. He learned that the hard way. We laughed. He liked his meal at the place I suggested too. We go back there fairly often on date nights (or we did pre-pandemic; and we’ve gotten a few take-outs from there since then too). We’ve celebrated some birthdays and anniversaries there. J has since tried lots of other dishes. And he’s eaten Japanese and Greek and Mexican food for the first time since we met (and now he likes them). He’s even traveled TO China for work once (he survived, but he did eat more than his fair share of granola bars on that trip).

Anyway, when J came home from his bike trip a bit early in 2019, we had a couple of free days together while The Boy was at school, and on one of those days, we took a motorcycle ride together, and we went out to lunch at 'our’ Chinese place. The same place that we ate on our second date. (Yeah…it’s still there.) The same place we’ve celebrated some milestones together.

I like that J and I have 'our’ places. I know a lot of people would think that a foodie like me would constantly want to try somewhere new, and I do enjoy trying new places and new dishes, but…there’s some real comfort and security knowing that we’ve been together long enough and have enough in common…we like enough of the same things…to have 'our’ places. There are a few restaurants that we frequent and think of as 'our places’ because of J’s consistency. These places are familiar, but they aren’t boring. And they aren’t only nostalgic for me. When we go there, I remember our past visits there, but we also make new memories every time. The last trip to actually eat inside 'our’ Chinese place alone, we talked about how The Boy has begun playing the violin and he’s doing really well adjusting in middle school. And while we were having that discussion, I could remember J telling me that story about eating the whole hot pepper pod on our second date. That’s something special, isn’t it? I think it is. The weekend after Thanksgiving, we went with our son to eat inside; our son’s first time eating inside with us. Even after nearly three years of having the dining room closed, the staff remembered us. ‘Nice to see you again.’ That’s something special too.

This is maybe a bit of a rambling post, but I felt like sharing my long history of love with J, a man who cares what I like…who’s grown with me and gotten more adventurous since we’ve been together…but who also can make me feel safer and more comfortable than anybody else, no matter where we are, and who never gets tiresome or dull, no matter how many times we go to the same familiar place.

This was my fortune inside the fortune cookie the last time we went to 'our’ Chinese place alone:

I normally don’t buy into this type of thing. But this one? Because of J? I mean…*accurate.*

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #566

Top Ten Things That Might Happen 2023

Well, here we are. Too late to go back now. We’ve probably all stopped forgetting it’s not 2022 anymore. Ankle-deep in the New Year. All the Prosecco’s gone. This is it. It’s already boring.

Except it’s not. 2022 was pretty decent in terms of Stuff, but taking a look down the list of Things That Are Meant to Happen, 2023 should be even better; a banner year, perhaps. Maybe it was destined to be thus; after all, thirty years ago, 1993 was a tremendous year. Even if it was just Jurassic Park and Groundhog Day we’d still remember it fondly. But X-Files and Doom came out too. See? Seminal!

One of the risks of looking ahead and guessing what’ll be cool is that you don’t really know what brand new thing is going to creep up and grab you. You could have guessed, at the end of 1992, that Spielberg’s new film about dinosaurs, based on a best-seller and with revolutionary special effects, would be a big deal; likewise the new game from the blokes that made Wolfenstein 3D. But what could have prepared us for X-Files? Where did that come from, and who would ever have guessed it’d be as big as it was? I mean, this time last year I don’t think I’d even heard of Everything Everywhere All at Once. So what things haven’t I heard of yet that I’ll be wanging on about for years to come? Who knows! And that’s what’s exciting!

Anyway, obviously this list isn’t comprised of things I don’t know about. It’s films and TV shows and games and comics that are coming out (or are meant to come out; I mean, Starfield was probably on the list this time last year) in 2023, that you’ve probably already heard of. Big things! Epic sequels! Huge franchise events! Special anniversary episodes! And a film that’s already been out ages in America!

And so, with one eye on the horizon, we set off towards 2023 with optimism in our hearts and the knowledge that, to maintain the maritime metaphor, Our Flag Means Death is coming to the BBC really soon. Also GoldenEye must be out at some point this year, yeah? Anyway, those two things aren’t on the list but other things are. So continue looking down the page a bit and you’ll see. Stuff that’s happening this year – this year! – that I hope will be good. And I hope will not be delayed into 2024. Microsoft, I’m looking at you.

Spielberg’s Latest Masterpiece: look, I’m a big Spielberg fan, but even I was shocked at just how good West Side Story was. It’s one of the most technically accomplished films I’ve ever seen. And if anything his follow-up, The Fabelmans, has gotten even stronger reviews; I guess critics really like a dose of autobiography don’t they? So, whilst this nostalgic look back at his own early life and the all-encompassing power of cinema has already delighted American audiences, over here it doesn’t come out till February. I guess my most anticipated 2023 film is really a 2022 one. But at least there’s a bit of synchronicity; it is, after all, thirty years since his classic one-two punch of Jurassic Park and Schindler’s List. So maybe 2023 will be another good year for the ‘Berg.

Calling Doctor Jones: speaking of Spielberg, imagine if he’d directed this, too? It really would be another one-two punch. Regardless, as much as I feel this isn’t really a necessary film (I liked Crystal Skull, but I still think they should have stopped after the perfect ending of Last Crusade), it’s still very exciting for the best action hero in cinema to come back one last time. And Mangold is a perfect choice to step into Spielberg’s shoes. I’m not expecting another Raiders, but I am very optimistic, and I feel like, if done right, this could tap into that Maverick well of nostalgia mixed with contemporary action. Also, Dial of Destiny; it’s about time travel, right?

Phase Five: this most recent Phase of the MCU has been a bit weird, I think just because it wasn’t like what came before. It was mostly unconnected sequels or origin stories, wildly different in tone, with no over-arching narrative to bind them. Which is fine! I liked it! No Way Home and Love and Thunder were great, and WandaVision, She-Hulk, and Ms. Marvel were excellent on the small screen. But I’m not gonna lie, this next Phase looks like it’s bringing out the big guns, and it all kicks off very, very soon. Quantumania (re?-)introduces Kang, a Bad so Big he’s got an Avengers film named after him; Guardians concludes its trilogy in what might be a tragic style; Secret Invasion promises some Winter Soldier-style conspiracy shenanigans; and we’ll see the return of Ms. Marvel, Sylvie, and Ironheart, three of the best female characters Marvel has introduced. And that’s just this year! This shit goes on until the end of 2024!

The Doctors Who: okay, spoiler alert I guess, if you’ve still not watched last year’s Centenary Special, but David Tennant is The Doctor again. But only for a three-part mini-series to mark Doctor Who’s 60th anniversary. Happy birthday, Doctor! But even if the intrigue and nostalgia of Tennant – arguably the most successful incarnation since the 2005 reboot – donning his Converse once more isn’t enough, we also know that he’s going to regenerate into the Fifteenth Doctor, Ncuti Gatwa, who will have his own Christmas Special before the end of the year. Two Doctors, two specials, some companions, some timey-wimey stuff, and Doogie Howser. Brilliant! Oh wait, that was Thirteen.

The Mandalorian and the Jedi: Star Wars is in a bit of a weird place for me. As the sequels recede from view, all I’m left with is a sense of disappointment and frustration. Boba Fett and even Obi-Wan were disappointing series, all in all. I’ve not seen Andor yet; can it re-light the spark that starts the fire of whatsit or whatever? And even if it doesn’t, can this big Star Wars year do it? Because the one genuine yell-from-the-roofs success returns, with season three of Mando; but with season two’s emotional ending magically undone in one episode of Boba, where can it go now? Meanwhile, Jedi Survivor has the opportunity to build on the bones of the mostly-great Fallen Order, hopefully eschewing the sprawling, confusing, boring maps and adopting a more forgiving respawn/checkpointing system. I’m not optimistic, to be honest, but then the last game was pretty good fun once I’d whacked it on Story Mode. Look, I don’t have the time to replay ten minute chunks of a level just because I fell off a cliff; that’s for teenagers. Anyway, Star Wars; yay.

The Next Transformation: Transformers is dead; long live Transformers. Er, I hope. 2022 saw the end of IDW’s licence to publish Transformers comics; a licence that, in my opinion, lead to the best fiction the franchise has ever produced, in nearly forty years. As far as I’m aware, the new home of Transformers in comics has not been announced; but surely it will in 2023, right? Hopefully we’ll even get the first issues of the new regime before the end of the year. And as much as I loved IDW, as much as I even knew some of the creators, I’m still very optimistic over what comes next. After all, Transformers is a franchise built on – wait for it – transformation; it’s never static, never one definitive thing. As much as it has mostly coalesced around vaguely-G1 characters and designs, we still jump from interpretation to interpretation, with no one agreed-upon continuity. So if someone else now has a crack at it, fine by me; give me some great stories starring Robots in Disguise, and I’m happy. Well, mostly happy. I didn’t really like All Hail Megatron.

Big Games Again: whilst the game I’m most looking forward to in 2023 is probably still the re-release of 1997’s GoldenEye 007, there are some very big, sexy, long-awaited things slowly hovering into view. Starfield should scratch my epic-RPG itch very nicely, assuming I’m done with next-gen Witcher III by that point. We’re also, hopefully, getting a new Forza to race around in, and maybe Hellblade 2. Outside of, well, Game Pass, two huge games are coming to Switch: the new Zelda, and – even more excitingly, for me at least – Pikmin 4. So even before we look at games that I’m not really that bothered about – Suicide Squad, Assassin’s Creed, Dead Space – or can’t even play – Spider-Man 2 – it’s still lining up to be a terrific year. I just wonder if I’ll have time to actually play any of the damn things.

Picard Boldly Goes: I was really looking forward, for years, to Star Trek: Picard. A bit like with Obi-Wan Kenobi, whilst there were some really good things about it, overall I’ve been left with a slightly disappointing aftertaste, especially following the lacklustre time travel shenanigans of Season 2. However, we now approach the final season, and despite once again seeming to be a “fate of the universe is at stake” epic, we are – at last – getting the crew of the Enterprise-D back together. Seeing the cast of The Next Generation reunite is really what we wanted all along, and all I can hope is that it’s a suitably worthy, melancholic send-off that feels of a piece with the old series and its subsequent movies. The overriding emotion from TNG was one of family and friendship, so a reunion should really be a touching and emotional event. Let’s hope it delivers. And let’s not overlook the fact this might just be, for realsies, the very last Star Trek that Patrick Stewart makes. Engaging.

Blockbusters to Look Forward To: even outside of Marvel and Indy, there are some really cool-looking films coming out this year; more so than 2022, I’d say. Chief among them has to be Mission: Impossible, the first part of Cruise’s two-film swansong to life as Ethan Hunt; and after the excellence of the last two Missions, to say nothing of Maverick being the biggest film of last year, expectations are as high as whatever thing Tom’s gonna jump off this time. We’ve also got the potentially bonkers Barbie, which might be this year’s Lego Movie; a Transformers film that hopefully hews more Bumblebee than Bay; and some terrific-looking animations, from Puss-in-Boots to Spider-Verse. And that’s before we’ve thought about DC, or smaller films like Cocaine Bear and Renfield. And the year ends with the second part of Dune. The first was a masterpiece, so let’s see how this one goes.

Bones: have you read Bone? It’s a great comic, somewhere between an eighties Saturday morning cartoon and The Lord of the Rings. Written and drawn by Jeff Smith, it’s rightly regarded as one of the greats. And this year will see some brand new Bone comics released. Telling various stories set in the world of Bone, as far as I’m aware it’s the first real, proper new material Smith has produced for this world in nearly thirty years. I first read some of Bone in about 1994 or ’95, but I only – finally – read the whole thing about a year or two ago (it’s quite long), so it's simultaneously something I loved as a kid and something that feels quite new and fresh. And there’s more on the way? Epic.

Blimey, what a year, eh? Maybe we’ll also get a new Justice League cast, and inklings of the next Nintendo hardware, and maybe – just maybe – the whole Microsoft/Activision thing will be resolved. And if we all cross our fingers and toes, maybe I’ll finish my book, too…

[majestyeverlasting]

Hi! Congrats on your one month tumblr anniversary!! Could you please do prompts 30 and 49 with tfatws!bucky x reader? Thank you!

♡ Hi! Thank you so much!! I've been taking my time with these requests in hopes of making each of them special, so I appreciate your patience. In this one, Bucky and the reader travel down to Delacroix, Louisiana to meet up with Sam, Sarah, and the boys at a nice vacation rental on the lake. There's road trip vibes and reunion vibes with cute moments sprinkled in throughout. I hope you enjoy!

♡ Prompt 30: "How many of my hoodies have you snatched up at this point, hmm?"

♡ Prompt 49: "I've never noticed these freckles on your back."

♡ To make a request for my One Month Tumblr-versary, check out my Fluffy Prompt List :)

I Can Feel It Too

Moment after moment, the world outside passed by in a colorful blur; everything from cityscapes, to green pastures, to the low, rolling mountains of the Appalachian. Evening had fallen, and the two of you were approximately two hours away from Delacroix. As you gazed out the passenger window, the clouds above appeared to be rosy as the sun crept further towards the horizon. Bucky’s hand rested on your thigh as he drove, a pair of sunglasses perched on his head. You guys had been taking turns driving the entire way.

Upon reaching the halfway point the previous night, the two of you had booked a hotel room to rejuvenate before setting back out for second day of traveling. Despite how endless the journey had grown to seem, nothing beat being on the road with Bucky. Perhaps, it would’ve been easier to hop on a plane, but there was an undeniable intimacy to only having the road and each other for miles on end.

A few weeks prior, Sam had told him that he was going to Louisiana come the end of the month. That’s what sparked the idea of meeting him there. It had been a while since the two men had seen each other, and even longer since Bucky had been around the community he carried so much gratitude for. The people of Delacroix had lifted his spirits and made him feel at home when he needed it the most. So after you and Bucky confirmed that you’d be driving down as well, Sam booked a vacation rental to accommodate everyone.

Looking away from the pink clouds, you began to play with Bucky’s fingers. There were a couple of rings adorning them—rings you had gotten him. You twisted them idly. For the longest time, the only “jewelry” he wore were his dog tags. You insisted that he started wearing other small pieces, so he wore the rings to appease you. They looked good on him. Enough so that he grew to like them himself after a while.

You brought his hand to your lips and kissed over his knuckles. “Love you,” you spoke into his skin.

He briefly looked over at you. “Love you too, doll.”

The sound of the tires spinning against the asphalt eventually lulled you into a dreamless sleep. Bucky no longer had anyone to talk or point things out to, but he couldn’t bring himself to mind. Especially if it meant that you’d be getting some extra rest. He simply listened to the soft music playing from the stereo and watched the scenery continue to shift. Later, when more marshy bodies of water began to appear alongside the road, it was evident that you two had made it into Delacroix.

When your eyes fluttered open, it was darker than before. The headlights were illuminating a dirt driveway that winded towards a colonial-style home. A few of the curtained windows glowed with warm light coming from the inside. There were also a couple of lights on the porch to prevent the property from looking too dim.

Upon getting closer, Bucky slowed the vehicle to a stop, and cut the engine with a sigh. Then, he looked over at you with a small smile. “We made it,” he said softly.

You returned his smile. “We made it.”

The front door of the house opened when the two of you got out of the car and began stretching. A familiar face appeared, and his voice pierced the symphony of chirping bugs. “Aye! The Brooklyn crew’s here!”

“What’s up, man?” Bucky called back. You gave a happy wave.

Sam jogged over and pulled Bucky into a hug, patting him on the back. Then he wrapped you in a more gentle embrace, giving you a squeeze. He was warm and smelled earthy. The night air was crisp and there was a pleasant stillness to being out in the woods.

Sam shook his head as he looked over the two of you. “It’s been too long.”

“Tell me about it.” Bucky ran a hand through his hair. Then his gaze turned curious, more genuine. “How’ve you been?”

“Good, man. You know I can’t complain,” he said, nodding along with his words. “How ‘bout you two?”

Bucky pulled you closer to his side. “Never better, thanks to this one.”

“Ditto,” you said. That earned a laugh from them.

“But, for real though,” Bucky continued. “I don’t think I’ve ever been better.” You gave a hum of agreement.

“I’m really glad to hear that,” Sam said. A couple seconds passed before he clapped his hands together. “Well, let me go ahead and help y’all bring your stuff inside. You guys probably wanna turn in early tonight.” He looked between you and Bucky with a smile. “I know that drive from New York was no joke.”

“It definitely felt like forever,” you agreed, laughing. “But it feels so good to finally be here.”

Sam sighed. “Well, hey. We appreciate you guys for making the trip. It’s gonna be a chill two weeks,” he promised. “Sarah’s making breakfast in the morning and we’re gonna eat out back on the lake. It’s gonna be great.”

Upon entering the house with your bags and suitcases, you and Bucky were greeted by Sarah, AJ, and Cass, who had been awaiting you in the living room. They’d already changed into their pajamas. A loving round of hello’s and hugs were exchanged. In the background, a cartoon show that the boys had been watching ran quietly. The interior of the house was furnished beautifully with neutral tones and pops of bolder colors.

“I’m so glad you two made it in alright,” Sarah said afterwards. “I’ll go ahead and show you which room is yours.”

The bedroom was at the back of the house with a view of the lake. The pale moonlight reflected in the water with a sparkle. Later, after everyone had retreated to their own rooms for the night, and you and Bucky were alone, you gazed out at it. He came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist.

“Isn’t it pretty?” You asked.

“Mhm.” He pressed a kiss to the shell of your ear. “Wait a minute…”

“What?” You turned around to face him. His eyes looked over you.

“Is this mine?” He gently pulled the drawstrings of the dark gray hoodie you were wearing. You had dug it out of your suitcase to ride out the slight chill passing through the house. Someone had set the AC a notch too low.

Bucky didn’t seem to mind the temperature, however. He had yet to pair a shirt with his black basketball shorts.

“It’s yours,” you admitted, giving him a playful bat of your eyelashes.

He cupped your chin with his real hand. “How many of my hoodies have you snatched up at this point, hmm?” You couldn’t help a little laugh. And you were humming a second later when he leaned in to kiss you.

“I don’t know,” you said after he pulled away. “I had to pack at least one of them. They’re cozy and they smell like you.”

“And I bet it’s never gonna find its way back onto my side of the closet.” He tapped your nose.

You grabbed his hand and kissed his finger. “It might.”

“We’ll see about that, pretty girl.” You watched as he went to start pulling back the covers on the bed in preparation for you two going sleep. The comforter was a deep olive that matched the color of the abstract leaf painting that hung over the wooden headboard.

When he finished, he laid horizontally across the bed, letting his head fall lax. “Mmm. It's as comfy as it looks,” he murmured. “M’gonna sleep so good tonight.”

You crawled onto the bed to lay beside him. It was extremely comfortable. When he gave you a tired smile, you propped yourself up and began tracing sweeping lines along his broad back. His muscles relaxed even more beneath your touch. You smiled when your fingers came to a particular place near the bottom of his spine.

“Aww,” you cooed. Bucky lifted his brows. “I’ve never noticed these freckles on your back before.” You brushed your fingertips over the tiny brown spots.

“Surprise,” he teased.

You rolled your eyes, but smiled wider. “You’re annoying,” you quipped lightheartedly. A comfortable silence settled between the two of you for a few moments. The sound of the bugs chirping outside was faint but audible. Finally, you said, “Being here is gonna be so much fun. I can already feel it.”

“I can feel it too.”

[forever-rogue]

hi 🥺 can i have "It's lonely here without you" from list 2 with Jack? 🥺 if possible some hurt/comfort situation? love you 💖

Hi bb, you can have whatever you want 🥺💕

Agent Whiskey x Fem!Reader ; warnings: none

Pedro Characters Masterlist 

»»————-　♡　————-««

You sighed to yourself as you looked around the dark, empty bedroom. It was early still, and the day was just breaking over the horizon. The sky was an inky blue, melding into orange and pink as a new day was beginning. Birds were softly chirping outside the window, traffic was starting up, and the world was slowly waking.

And yet you wished you weren't. Not alone anyways. 

You missed him. You missed Jack. Everything about him - his smile, his laugh, his touch, his kiss. Every little thing about him was so golden and after having been in his glow for so long, it was hard to go with it. It was for work, missions sometimes called him away for extended periods, but it was always hard.

Reaching for your phone on the nightstand, you quickly unlocked it and scrolled through your notifications, swiping away most of them. Only one really caught your attention - a very early good morning text from Jack. A smile tugged on the corners of your mouth as you read over the text and some of your previous conversations. Jack was the epitome of an old man when it came to texting, but damn he tried, and he never failed to make you smile. Your favorites were always the silly selfies he sent in his down time.

Gods, you hoped he would be back soon.

I miss you, you quickly typed out, it's lonely here without you.

Before thinking too much about it, you quickly sent it and turned the phone upside, burrowing back into your pillows. They still smelled like him no matter how often they were washed - not that you minded. 

It was only a few moments before the phone vibrated. Surprised by the quick response, you snatched it back up and hastily opened the message.

Get up, your brow furrowed at the cryptic message, go to the kitchen.

You quickly replied - what?

Just do as I ask for once, Sugar, without any sass.

Fine!

You beamed at his message, still confused as to what he meant, but decided to indulge him. Pushing back the warm, plush blankets you slowly climbed out of the bed, letting your feet hit the carpet with a soft thud. You grabbed a nearby sweater, which just happened to be Jack's, and pulled it on before slowly padding downstairs and to the kitchen. The house you shared with your husband was decently sized, but when you were alone it felt gigantic and cold.

You were humming to yourself as you walked into the kitchen, stopping dead in your tracks as you spied a large bouquet of your favorite flowers on the counter. Your face lit up as you walked over to them, completely forgetting that you should be worried about the fact that mysterious flowers had appeared in your kitchen.

You looked for a card or some of indication of their origin, touching a few of the soft petals. Unfortunately, you found nothing. No card, note, anything until - 

"Hi Sugar," you almost jumped out of your skin as you looked around the flowers and found Jack grinning back at you. You almost squealed in delight as you ducked around the corner as you threw yourself into his arms. He held you tightly, easily wrapping his arms around you as you buried your face into his chest, "hi baby, I've missed you so much."

"Jack," you pulled back to look at him, studying his face, watching as his soft brown eyes crinkled with his smile. You touched his cheek, watching as he keened into your touch, "I've missed you too. I didn't expect you back so soon."

"Maybe I pulled your leg and said I was going to be gone longer than I was," he teased as he kissed you softly. It was easy to melt into his touch, to get completely lost in him, "I wanted to come and surprise my favorite girl."

"Whatever for?" you asked softly as your heart fluttered gently. Gods, you were so in love with him, and you couldn't imagine a life without him anymore, "I don't think I've missed anything...its not our anniversary...no plans? Why…?"

"I didn't think I needed a reason," he insisted with a gentle shake of his head, "I just don't want to be away any longer than I needed to be. And I figured this would be a nice little surprise. I know how hard it is for me to be away from you, and I imagine its the same for you…"

"I detest even being away from you for even a day," you promised, "anything longer is practically torture. I was thinking about stowing myself into your luggage this time around."

"A most welcome surprise that would have been," he swiped his thumb along your cheek before kissing you again. He hand went to the back of your neck as he held you close and you wrapped your arms around his neck, breathing him in. If you could have stayed like that forever, you easily would have, "I love you."

"I love you," you trailed a few kisses along his jaw before going back to his lips and giggling as his mustache tickled your lip. You always teased him for it, claiming it would look ridiculous on anyone else, but it worked for him. And it did - of course he looked handsome without it, but there was something about that was just so...him.

"I suppose I do have one thing I've been wanting to tell you," he cleared his throat as you pulled back, a worried expression etching onto your features. He shook his head fervently before tenderly cradling your face in his hands, "no, no, no, sugar, don't worry - it's nothing bad!"

"Jack! You can't just spring something like that on me," you pouted at him, sticking your bottom lip out as he chuckled softly, "out with it! What is it?"

"Well, I was thinking," he started and immediately held up a finger to your lips to silence you. He knew you well enough to know that you were about to make a sassy comment, "I know its a shocker, but hear me out."

"Sorry baby," you grinned at him, "go on."

"I know we've talked about it and I was just thinking...we've been married for a while now and well, if we're serious about starting a family in the near future, I want to be home more," you listened carefully to his words, but you couldn't help yourself as a grin stretched across your features, "I don't want to miss a thing, and want to be here for everything and I think its time I took a step back from statesman. Besides...I'm not the same young man I once was."

"Jack," you put your hands on his broad chest as you tried to blink back the years that threatened to well up. You'd been waiting to hear those words for some time, although you never would have told him that. You knew how much his job meant to him and you'd never have thought about getting in the way of that. But it never stopped you from worrying about him, even if he was one of the best and most seasoned agents. He was your Jack, and you'd always worry - but this? This was everything, "do you mean it? I'd never ask you to do such a thing, baby. I know how much it means to you."

"I want to do this," he promised gently as he wiped away the single tear that had rolled down your cheek, "for myself and you and whatever else comes down the road. You are more important than anything else."

"I...I don't know what to say," you said softly as you could already picture long leisurely days with Jack at your side and in the near future, maybe a baby of your own, "besides the fact that I love you so much. You mean more to me than you will ever know."

"I'm hoping you'll say it sounds like a good idea," he almost seemed nervous as he searched your eyes for approval. It hadn't been a rash decision by any means, but he hadn't quite discussed it with you before making the decision to significantly cut back his duties. He didn't think you'd have a problem but still… "or otherwise I'll feel like an old fool."

"Of course it sounds like a good idea," you promised, gently carding a hair through his dark locks, "you continually make me the happiest woman. I don't know what I did to deserve you-"

"Oh Sugar, I think its the other way around," he insisted gently, "after...everything with...I never thought I'd get the privilege to love again, or to meet someone like you. You came into my life like a tornado, but I wouldn't change a thing. You have made me believe that there is good in the world, that there is a reason to get up every morning and be the best. I don't think you truly understand the magnitude with which I love you."

"A gentleman and a poet," you whispered as you wrapped your arms around his middle and held him close, "if we weren't already married, I'd say that sounded like a proposal."

"Well, I suppose it is a proposal of sorts, I propose I work less hours and spend more time with you," he teased, "if you'll allow it."

"Always," you beamed at him, "but right now I have a favor to ask of you."

"Of course," you reached for his hand and started to tug him away and towards the staircase, "we go back to bed and be lazy and spend the day doing nothing, "its still so early."

"Well my plan had been to make coffee and breakfast and surprise you with it," he admitted and if you it was possible to be anymore in love with him, you would have fallen in love then and there, "but someone was up early and I couldn't keep a secret."

"I couldn't sleep," you confessed softly, "I missed you...and there's been a lot on my mind lately."

"Oh?" he seemed concerned for a moment before you shook your head to let him know it wasn't anything serious, "everyone's alright?"

"More than alright," you grinned, "let's go back to bed and I'll tell you everything. We can make breakfast - later when the world is actually awake."

"Now you have me intrigued," he admitted as he let you pull him along upstairs. His hand was warm around yours as he held tightly onto it, the simple action causing a warmth to settle all over you. Jack was home and he wasn't going anywhere - what more could you want?

"Its nothing to worry about," you promised as you thought of the little surprise you had for him stashed away in the drawer of the nightstand, "just come with me and hold me and sleep. I've missed you."

"And I have missed you greatly," he paused at the landing of the stairs before pulling you into his arms and kissing you until you were practically drunk off of his touch, "my love."

"And I you," you nuzzled your nose gently against his, "now come on, let us be lazy and relax. Tell me everything about your trip and I'll tell you all about what happened since you've been gone…"

»»————-　♡　————-««

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[blossom-hwa]

inspired by 'rush hour’ (gaho).

wc: 2.6k ~ changmin x gender neutral!reader ~ slice of life!au ~ triggers: none ~ the boyz masterlist ~ 4 year anniversary drabble game (requests closed!)

for chair anon :)

[ 6:00 pm : rush hour ] I try going forward to you But I lose you at this dead end

.

The traffic light is still green. Changmin sighs, tapping the board flipped up by his side. It’s been green for what feels like forever - is it ever going to turn red so that he and the growing group of pedestrians around him can move across this short stretch of the street?

If he wasn’t going to meet someone, he might just take a chance in the lulls of traffic and race the cars, letting them honk angrily as he jaywalks - jay-skates? jay-boards? There probably isn’t proper terminology for that, but jay-boards sounds okay - past, flashing them a quick smile to infuriate them a little more. It’s okay. This street isn’t too crowded. The only cars that pass through are usually old businessmen making their way back home to penthouse apartments, so Changmin feels less than guilty for screwing around with their evening.

But he is meeting someone. A very special someone, in fact. Someone who told him on no account was he going to jaywalk or jay-board (he’ll have to tell you about the new word he invented when he gets to you) if it meant risking his safety. So Changmin sighs, taps his board some more, and waits at this seeming dead end of a street corner where the green light never turns red.

.

It’s alright alright alright It’s alright alright alright

.

It’s alright. Changmin smiles as the flow of traffic begins to cease, lights on the streets ahead turning red. He can wait a little longer to cross the street legally.

Anything for you, after all.

.

I’m talking in circles around you But you always pass right by

.

Changmin still can’t quite believe his luck, even months later. He doesn’t know how he managed to catch your attention, the small skater he was who stayed quiet around others, really only raising his voice in the presence of his friends.

You were the noticeable one. You were the one with the guitar slung on your back and a friendly smile always on your face. You were the one everyone had a crush on, platonic or romantic. You were the one everyone flocked around at the park on weekends, sitting on a bench, strumming the strings of your instrument with the softest grin on your lips. If it wasn’t for Younghoon accidentally tripping over your guitar and subsequently you, sending you flying into Changmin as he rolled past trying to escape the monitor chasing after him, it might never have happened. Changmin might never have had the chance to do anything more than admire you from afar.

And what would’ve happened then?

.

It’s alright alright alright Who cares? I’m alright

.

But who cares? Changmin grins. It’s alright, yeah? Because you noticed him anyway, and even if he got a detention for skating indoors, it was worth it when you offered to buy him a coffee in apology for inadvertently getting him caught by the hall monitor.

It was the coffee that turned him into even more of a stuttering mess than he would’ve been. It was also the coffee that gave him the bit of energy and courage he needed to keep talking anyway.

It was the coffee, ultimately, that got that blinding smile turned in his direction. And it was the coffee that got him your number for future conversations, future meetups at the park, and eventually, a date.

The light turns green. Changmin nimbly leaps on his skateboard and rolls across the street, grinning.

Who cares about how it happened, in the end? As long as it did.

.

Everyone tries to get your attention One by one, honking at you

.

Honking sounds follow Changmin down the sidewalk as he weaves around office workers rushing home, people ducking in and out of small restaurants and cafes, either alone or holding someone else’s hand. His grin widens at the sight of a laughing couple that just manages to dodge around his board, giggles undeterred by the sudden interruption.

What will it be like when he gets to you? Will the crowds at the park be as large as the ones cluttering the streets? Will he even be able to see you on your bench, surrounded as you might be with children and parents and teenagers trying to get a peek at your guitar?

.

But I hope my voice can reach you Turn that music on

.

Does it matter, though? Changmin pauses at another intersection, watching the cars go honking past. Just the same way he can pick out your voice singing above the sound of the guitar, you can pick out his eyes, smiling at you from within the crowd.

You’ve always noticed him. He’s always noticed you.

There’s no reason that should stop now.

.

I got stuck on you My heart is in chaos right now

.

God, it feels like nothing’s changed since the day he realized he had a crush on you. His heart still flutters at the sound of your voice, his lips widening in a smile at the thought of your eyes.

.

I got stuck on you As if I’m stuck in traffic

.

The traffic light turns red again. Changmin skates across the street, ignoring the impatient honking of cars that follows him down the sidewalk. It’s kind of like the traffic clogging the streets, his adoration for you - stuck in one place, going with the flow but never really seeming to move.

Though if traffic meant he could stay with you forever, he wouldn’t mind it so much, really.

.

I want drama between you and me Trying to escape this trauma

.

It’s kind of like a drama, isn’t it? Unnoticeable boy, very noticeable love interest. Though maybe the roles are flipped - very noticeable main character, unnoticeable boy - because it doesn’t feel like Changmin has ever been the protagonist of this story. You’re the main character, and he’s the love interest who will support you in everything that you do.

.

Drama with you Feeling like it’s rush hour

.

Changmin grins, feeling wind rush past his face as a car speeds past.

If this is his part in the drama, it isn’t such a bad role to play.

.

I try to jump right into you But the conversation keeps cutting off

.

His phone buzzes. Not bothering to stop - you’d yell at him for that, but it isn’t as life-threatening as jay-boarding across the street and you’re not here to scold him for it - Changmin pulls it out, deftly navigating his way around a group of office workers as he accepts the call. “Y/N?”

“Hey, Changmin.” He can hear your smile through the phone. “You on your way?”

“Of course,” he replies, almost affronted. You agreed to meet at six - why would he be late? “Why aren't you playing? Is your little concert over?” You don’t usually end early.

“No, just a lull in traffic.” Your laugh sounds like music. “I’m taking a pause and thought I’d call. Almost here?”

“Almost,” he promises, rolling to a stop at the next intersection with a sigh. “The actual traffic here is murder.”

“Okay, sounds good.” When you pause, Changmin can hear the babbling of a little kid faintly over the phone - something about guitar and please? “I’ve got to go back in a minute. See you soon?”

“Go please your audience,” he replies, smiling. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Get here safe.” You pause again. “You weren’t talking to me while on your board, right?”

Changmin stays silent. His silence is much more telling than anything he’d say, anyway.

“Changmin.”

“Y/N,” he mimics in your tone of voice. Serotonin floods his brain when you snort a laugh into the phone. “I’ll be safe, I promise.”

“You better be,” you warn. “Bye, Changmin.”

.

It’s alright alright alright Turn that music on

.

He grins, already looking forward to hearing the strumming of your guitar in person, not over the phone. “Bye, Y/N.”

.

Everyone tries to get your attention One by one, honking at you

.

Two intersections later, Changmin finally finds himself at the entrance of the park. Children and their parents still abound despite evening quickly approaching, so he keeps to the sidewalk, carefully avoiding any paths full of shouting kids. It’s okay. Changmin knows the ways to your bench better than the back of his hand. A few honking cars and yelling toddlers can’t keep him from you.

All roads lead to you in Changmin’s world, after all.

.

I got stuck on you My heart is in chaos right now

.

The expected crowd surrounds your bench when Changmin finally steps off of his board. Fridays are always the busiest days, after all - people celebrating the end of the work week with a walk in the park and, by chance, some music as well.

He hears you before he sees you, crowds obscuring your face but not your voice that carries sweetly through the air, accompanied by the strumming of your guitar. Changmin didn’t think the smile on his face could get any wider, but when the first chords reach his ears, it somehow does.

Your voice is music, even more so than the instrument in your hands.

.

I got stuck on you As if I’m stuck in traffic

.

Then your face appears in a crack between the crowd as Changmin edges his way through, eyes closed in peace as your fingers pluck easily at the guitar strings. And nothing really has changed, nothing at all, just like the traffic stuck in rush hour -

Because as he watches you sing, Changmin feels himself falling in love with you all over again.

.

I don’t wanna lose you, never I just wanna hold you all day

.

Sometimes, when Changmin sees you like this, body framed in the pink and gold and orange of the descending sun, he panics. A part of him seems to think that when the sun finally dips below the horizon to be replaced by the moon overhead, it’ll take you with it, sparkling eyes and musical voice and all. Even your guitar. Because in moments like these, it feels a little like you’re an illusion, something too perfect to be true.

But then -

Your eyes open. They search the crowd like they’ve done it a million times (perhaps they have). They meet his, and immediately the sparkle brightens until it’s even brighter than the sun overhead, and it’s then that the panic fades because Changmin knows you’re real. Knows you’re not an illusion.

What illusion would become even more beautiful, after all, just because he happened to be there?

.

Even if the numbers on the calendar switch up I’m only thinking about you

.

Day by day, week by week. The routine is the same - you two get home from school, Changmin goes to work while you go home, and if it’s a Friday or a surprisingly free weekday, he’ll meet you at the park at six, like clockwork. You’ve been doing this for months now, almost a year - if it were anything else, Changmin is sure he would’ve gotten bored at this point.

But when you smile at him again before turning to the crowd and announcing your last song, Changmin knows he could never find it in himself to be bored with this. It’s you, after all, always you.

Day by day, week by week, it’s always been you.

.

You’re swimming in my ocean The waves keep growing larger

.

You sing a last song with a lilting voice, something about oceans and sunlight and waves whirling around you like the warmest hug. Changmin’s smile softens as you sing, fingers tapping his board not out of ennui this time, but to keep the beat of the music flowing from your guitar and from your lips. The waves of your voice wrap their arms around him, growing, growing, settling soft on his skin.

.

You’re swimming in my ocean You’re on my mind

.

Waves, crashing waves that mix with laughter and warm sunlight beaming down on the water. The beach is a couple of hours away - Changmin wonders if you might like to go when summer comes and you have a little more time to spare - but it doesn’t matter, not when he’s already swimming, laughing in the ocean of your voice.

.

I got stuck on you My heart is in chaos right now

.

You finish the song with a last chord and a smile, bowing in reply to the childish shouts and claps from the audience. Changmin lifts up his board to join the applause, eyes fixed on you and you only as you turn around to finally meet his eyes.

“Hey,” he says, and he knows you hear his voice even over the applause still carrying all around you.

Your smile widens as you step forward to give him a kiss. “Hey, yourself.”

.

I got stuck on you As if I’m stuck in traffic

.

Changmin helps you pack up your guitar, helps you organize the loose change and bills that some kind people left in the case. You get excited when you realize it’s enough to treat him to a meal that you make him swear not to pay for - he’ll try to, you both know, it’s just a matter of being faster than the other - and then Changmin lifts up his board with one hand and takes yours in the other. His fingers tangle with yours automatically, a promise to never let go. “Should we go?”

You nod, smiling. “Come on.”

.

I want drama between you and me Trying to escape this trauma Drama with you

.

It really is like a drama, Changmin thinks as you two walk out of the park, hands still locked together as you enter the busy streets once more. It’s cheesy, definitely, but does it matter? It’s the only way he can describe this perfection of the moment, holding hands with you as you argue over where to eat for dinner.

Changmin leans down to kiss your nose. You laugh at the touch of his lips to your skin, fingers involuntarily squeezing his.

He swears he hears music in his ears.

.

I want drama between you and me Trying to escape this trauma

.

Definitely cheesy. Definitely a drama.

You smile at him, and his heart flutters.

But when you make him feel this way, does it really matter?

.

Drama with you feeling like it’s rush hour

.

Another light turns green before you can make it across the intersection, so Changmin pulls you to a stop before you can accidentally take the next step into the street. “Now do you know why I’m always so impatient?” he asks, casting a pointed glance at the board under his arm.

“Yeah, kind of.” You roll your eyes. “Maybe we should stop agreeing to meet at rush hour.”

Six o’clock. Peak traffic. Rush hour. Just like Changmin’s mind, forever stuck on you, waiting at a traffic light that never seems to change.

But when he’s stuck on you, it really isn’t so bad.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I like it.”

Your eyes sparkle into his. Changmin squeezes your hand and smiles.

“I think we can keep it as is.”

If you enjoyed, please don’t forget to reblog and leave a comment to tell me what you thought! Thank you for reading and have a lovely day <3

(1 reblog = 1 heart for the couple, they were so wonderful to write :D)

[kforourke]

Lives of Others

There are a few lines from Jorie Graham’s poem “Nearing Dawn” (from her 2008 collection Sea Change) that have been going through my head, quasi-accurately of course, for the better part of a decade.*

Here they are, emphasis mine. I’ve replicated the breaks as faithfully as possible:

great sands behind there, the pharaohs, the millennia of carefully prepared and buried bodies, the ceremony and the weeping for them, all back there, lamentations, libations, earth full of bodies everywhere, our bodies, some still full of incense, & the sweet burnt offerings, & the still-rising festival out-cryings—& we will inherit from it all nothing—& our ships will still go,

I’ve been thinking about these lines lately for a number of reasons, mostly because an old friend recently experienced a terrible loss. But also because it’s now April, and therefore almost the thirteenth (!) anniversary of my mother’s death. I first read Sea Change shortly before my mom died, and the idea of the earth being “full of bodies everywhere” particularly struck me then, as it’d become obvious her illness would soon run its course.

The thing is, Graham’s lines are entirely accurate—over the entire course of human history, far more people have died than are currently alive. Indeed, according to the Population Reference Bureau “about 117 billion members of our species have ever been born on Earth”; the current world population is somewhere around 8 billion.

This is both grim—the world really is filled with the dead; the world is more the dead’s than it is the living’s—and unbelievable, given how complicated and rich the interior of one’s life generally seems. And it’s not like understanding the living, and what ails them (below is a figure showing causes of disability-adjusted life years in the US in 2019) is easy.

For a more timely example of “numbers and life and boggling complexity and thinking of the dead is weird, whoa,” here’s the March 31 update on Russian troop and equipment losses from the Kyiv Post (via Ukraine’s Ministry of Defense).

Though these numbers may well be inflated—the Russian casualty figures published by the US and NATO are markedly lower—the point makes itself. Even inflated, these are astounding numbers for a weeks-old war, and for the violence and stories they imply; for example, many tanks have a crew of three; when tank crews are killed, they’re often killed in terrifically violent ways, by shrapnel and explosive shock waves and fire.

So what is one to do with these competing, or at least jostling, ways of seeing the world? I don’t know that there’s a good answer, because living often entails holding jostling things in one’s head simultaneously. Perhaps Mother Teresa’s way of looking at it—”If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at the one, I will.”—is a sound approach.

Anyhow, here’s some more poetry, from Ashbery’s “Self-Portrait in a Convex Mirror”:

Tomorrow is easy, but today is uncharted. Desolate, reluctant as any landscape To yield what are laws of perspective After all only to the painter’s deep Mistrust, a weak instrument though Necessary. Of course some things Are possible, it knows, but it doesn’t know Which ones. Some day we will try To do as many things as are possible And perhaps we shall succeed at a handful Of them, but this will not have anything To do with what is promised today, our Landscape sweeping out from us to disappear On the horizon.

...

*To put “highbrow poetry going through one’s head for years and years” in perspective, I’ve also had the A-Team theme song in my head since my early twenties. Dun dun dun, dun dah dun dun dun.

Header image, “L’Intrigue” by James Ensor, 1890, oil on canvas, via Wikimedia Commons. Treemap image via GBD Compare. Russian losses image via Twitter. Mother Teresa quote via the The New Yorker article I read yesterday (thanks, TNY!)

[unioncolours]

A 2nd Majsasaurus Year!

Today, 22nd of September 2021, it’s been two years since I officially joined the magical world of fandom. 22.9.2019 I uploaded the first chapter to my fic Shadows and Sand, and the rest is history.

I did a deep dive into my first year as a fic writer and active member of fandom last year, when it was my first anniversary. You can read it here!

In that meta discussion about my membership of fandom, I presented it as if walking on clouds. I was so, so happy and talked during all the discussion about my happiness in fandom.

Since that post was written, my life and also my perception of the fandom I am part of has changed. Change isn’t always bad, as I really had a honeymoon phase with fandom over a year ago, and the low after hit hard.

But let’s see what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been writing! The following year provided much change and fun things! Please keep reading 💜⬇

The first fic I wrote since 22.9.2020 was a Sakura x Ino fic. I had for a longer while been interested in writing a woman-loves-woman ship, which I had never done before, and as a wlw-person myself the urge to explore that part led to Promise me this is just a kiss. The pairing itself was chosen on rather random, it had to be two women and I like Ino, so I chose the most popular Ino-wlw ship for this for convenience.

I really liked writing the fic and it was well-received! It was the first time I had written a fic that was entirely centred around exploring feelings and having sex.

After this I jumped directly onto the next idea that had been boiling inside me for a longer while. Up to this point, all I had written, except the wlw-fic, had been set in the Naruto canonverse and I was itching to try to work with a multi-chaptered modern au! The pairing was of course my beloved Shikadai x Inojin.

It was during the creation of this fic I began to struggle. This was a new genre, as this was romance only and all my other works had been action and fantasy based, except the sex fic of course. I was maybe over critical and stressed, which resulted in me having a hard time writing it. But I made it. Was the sky always this beautiful? ended up being 35k long, and in hindsight, I freaking love, love, love how it turned out in the end and what it represented. I am very proud of this fic.

I “upgraded” as a fan by the end of October when I bought myself a digital drawing tablet. I began drawing fanart of Shikadai and Inojin and preferably them two together, haha! I still draw a few days a month and find it extremely fun as a side hobby beside the writing.

We are now in November 2020. By this time, I had completely finished my zine fic, Under the Scorching Sun, which I had written during September and October, for the Shikatema zine I was kindly accepted to. I was proud of what I had created and was eager for the rest of the contributors to wrap up theirs, so we’d have a wonderful zine for sale in 2021. It was lovely to write ShikaTema again. As the zine fic was about to be released in months from when I had at first finished it, I wanted of course to write something fans and friends could immediately take part of on the internet. I had hyped myself up to a state where I wanted to write a third and final story in my series To love and never let go, my epic series about Shikadai and Inojin.

Now, I should maybe have waited another month, but I was worried the readers would give up on me if I didn’t write it right away. In December, I began writing To find hope in the Universe, with my usual speed and love for the art.

What I by then didn’t realise or even recognise was that I was very slowly turning burned out. I ignored all the signs.

In December I wrote simultaneously as Hope in the Universe a fic that was part of the Shikatema server’s Secret Santa event. The fic’s name was The Ghost Stories of our Hearts, and it was ShikaTema, as the event’s name suggests. It was fun to write and despite the final big fic, Hope in the Universe, pressing down on me, I finished The Ghost Stories of our Hearts and was very happy with the result. Sadly, at this point the burnout began taking control over me, and I never managed to reply to the comments.

The 15th of January, I began uploading To find hope in the Universe. It was a lovely experience, even if it was tainted by negative feelings coming from my decreasing happiness and the fact that it didn’t do as well as To dance above the Stars, the second fic in the series. To deal with two very contradiction emotions, loving my work, the characters, how I have painted an entire world around the characters and how I knew some people honestly loved my hard work, and then the negative feelings coming from not feeling good enough and depressed, was a difficult thing to navigate and still is when I think back to that time. It didn’t help that during the process of uploading the fic I went through grief, and I chose distraction as my coping method. I kept writing and working, the only thing I ever knew.

Our pre-order of the Shikatema zine was in full motion by this time and it was a nerve-wracking time! Mostly because of excitement but also worry. I’m super happy for my friends who were part of the zine, with whom I could share all the excitement and nervousness with. The zine ended up making good sales, which made me happy among the uploading of the long fic.

To find hope in the Universe was completed 31st of March 2021. When I uploaded the final chapter, I felt nothing. It was so weird, so spooky, to have finished a long fic and a series on top of that and not feel anything. But deep down, beneath the layer of depression, I felt great pride.

That was the emotion that broke free once the burnout left me. Pride.

I had created this empire of Shikajin, a whole alternative timeline, an alternative canon from my own head and to this day, that is my internet legacy. I love Trial of the Heart, which I wrote in 2020, but if I have to choose between ToH and this series, I will choose To love and never let go in a heartbeat.

So, even if it felt depressing and hopeless in the moment, I look now back with pride and happiness. Never forget that. Never forget that I made that.

April was a curious time. I swore to not write anything, because I had by now recognised that I was burned out and needed to rest, yet managed to scrape together three smaller fics.

The first one was another wlw-smut fic, TemaSaku this time called Another Light. I wanted to explore that part once again. I wrote it in canonverse and honestly think the fic ended up extremely nice. Perfect amount of feels and sex. It didn’t feel hard to write at all, because the setting, characters and emotions were so different from the fics I had written the last five months.

Now more interesting things lay on the horizon! A new zine, the Ino-Shika-Cho zine called Beyond a Bond had an interest check during the spring, and later the contributor application. I urged in the interest check to please give us the next gen kids, Shikadai, Inojin and Chocho – my kids and babies, and when it turned out they were going to feature, I had to apply as a writer. For this application I wrote a one shot, called It’s just hair, and I loved this spunky little story featuring the best babies that I created.

I also edited one of my tumblr fics, And then I kissed him, into a longer, better version that I later in May uploaded onto AO3. It was once again a Shikajin, a sequel of Trial of the Heart, and it was a fun little project.

Now May came and I sent in the application for the zine early, which I now am relieved I did. I am happy that I did the work for the application in April instead of May, because in May I had a few breakdowns and another grieving period, which lead to complete creative paralysis. I didn’t write a single word during May, only uploaded the two one shots I had prepared in April.

What I did do in May was to read through the Shikatema zine I had contributed to! It arrived in the mail! I was so nervous; my whole body was shaking when I opened the package right outside the post office. The zine now resides on the parade place in my little zine shrine in the bookshelf. Thank you to the mods who made this a reality!

To my great happiness my zine adventures continued as I was accepted to the Ino-Shika-Cho zine as a writer and was assigned to write my favourite characters. I felt so relieved and overjoyed, mind blown by the sheer talent among the contributors.

On the other fandom front, June didn’t continue any brighter, with stress and mental pain still having a strong grip around me, despite the very happy news that I am still so grateful for. I wrote a Yamanaka family fic which to this day hasn’t seen the light of AO3, because of negative emotions surrounding it. I turned into a complete wreck compared to me in June 2020. In June 2020 I was flourishing, I loved what I did, I loved fandom and I loved the friends I had made through Discord servers. Now I could find myself crying my eyes out over a wip not going the way I wished it would. What had happened to Bex 2021?

I was so incredibly frustrated with myself, groaning in defeat when my hands just couldn’t write. I managed to push through 6k of what I called my “emo au” – more of that later – and finish the Yamanaka fic which is still buried, and on top of that I had the zine and another fandom event, The Naruto Photo Album, to create content for. Why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I find happiness in something that once was my reason for happiness?

In the end, I managed to write 15k in June. My former monthly word count used to be 30k. One could think this would turn into the end of my fic writing career, or the beginning of a longer hiatus, but I am stubborn and want to meet the expectations of the people who love my content, so I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try. I wanted to be whoever I was before.

Funnily enough, the healing came in the shape of the most self-indulgent fic I have ever, ever written, a fic I like possessed began writing July the 1st 2021. It was nothing less than a freaking fairy tale AU, namely a Shikadai x Inojin Peter Pan AU. I can hear you laugh at the silliness of it, but this whimsical AU gave me back my love for writing. I hyper-fixated on this story quite a bit and stopped writing on everything else, something I almost never do.

Only happy boys fly ended up being 21 000 words long! I knew it was a niched story, and true to my guesses, the story has to this day very low stats. Today, two months after it was published, it has just above 100 hits and 10 kudos, so for all I know, only ten people read and liked it. I try to not care too much, since I love the story and in some way, that story saved me from going batshit insane over my emotions about writing.

At this point I had begun writing my fic from the Ino-Shika-Cho zine, finding joy in silly scenes with my favourite characters and trying to heal. The writing process was frustratingly slow, but one word at a time I got forward and as of today, the draft is done. The pre-orders are in December. At the side of the zine fic I wrote a short fluffy Shikajin story, CLEAR, a story with almost no plot, because I knew how much self-indulgence could help me.

And then, I finally began writing for real on my emo au, A gang of fallen stars, which has the first few chapters up right now! I have for the first time in six months a longer fic (if we don’t count the Peter Pan story) and it feels… good. This fic is once again a modern au, but in darker tones than my other modern au from November 2020. I honestly like what I have so far, even if I during June and July almost planned to never finish it. I am so relieved I managed to begin the upload. In September the Photo Album was released and I could show my two fics I wrote for it.

It sounds like this year has been nothing but misery, and at times it felt like it. However, there are a few fandom friends who brought light to my life when I couldn’t see it. The first ones to mention are of course my partners in crime, @notquitejiraiya and @thespookymoth. Together we created a server dedicated to Ino-Shika-Cho during the spring and it has been tons of fun with the members there! Thank you two for listening to me and for being my friends during 2021.

I also have to mention Soverel, who carefully begun taking contact through comments and likes on my twitter, and later through direct messages, and it has been a fun ride ever since. We’ve had lovely discussions which are very dear to me and your support means a lot to me. Thank you for being you and for drawing so many wonderful artworks you’ve shared with me. Haha, and for making me play Genshin Impact, even though I do it like twice a month!

Another person who has made my days so much brighter is @sugarriene. Thank you for sending me that one dm that made us chat regularly, thank you for popping up and sharing panels and your wonderful drawings with me, and for vibing head canons with me. You are a lovely person, and you make me happy.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to @yoboseyokyu for listening to me when I had to yell into the void and for making me happy with your cute posts on both twitter and tumblr.

Since September 2020, I’ve written around 195 000 words and drawn close to 35 illustrations, most of them of Shikadai and Inojin. Almost 200 000 words of Majsasaurus. I’ve created a Discord server and I’ve been part of two zines as a writer, plus a free PDF-project.

It has been a wild year. A year filled with passion for my favourite characters and ship, with the excitement that came with being part of projects and hyping them. It was a year where I learned to draw digitally, and heck what fun it was.

This also a year where I learned people can be mean to me because of what I ship and that fandom friends won’t necessarily always stay to be your friend anymore and how much it can hurt. I also learned what my limits are, and what punishment I get if I don’t listen to my own mind and rest when I have to.

It was a year, guys.

Now, onto the third Majsasaurus Year. Cheers!

And those of you, who supported me when I needed it – thank you and I love you.

[mittensmorgul]

Happy Resurrection Day

A short fic in celebration of Dean and Cas’s 12th anniversary!

Rated: T Words: 3652

Summary: The world didn't end, and Dean and Cas finally get to choose each other. It only took twelve years and a little road trip back to where it all started.

Read it here on AO3

One random morning in mid-September, a few months after the world was left in their hands once and for all, Dean woke up to the nagging feeling he was forgetting something. There wasn’t really much to forget anymore. There was no looming apocalypse, no new catastrophe on the horizon. The biggest dilemma he’d faced in the last few days was whether he had enough milk to make pancakes, or whether he’d have to run out to the store before breakfast.

Sure, he and Cas took the occasional salt and burn. Easy hunts they could usually dust in a day. Sam had taken an extended road trip to see the country and try to figure out what he wanted to do with himself now that he was truly free to explore what life after Chuck could look like, but Dean already knew. He’d known for a good long time that he loved his life, loved the bunker, and loved hunting. And for whatever reason, Cas had just decided to stay, no strings attached. Whether Dean was itching to get out on the road for a long weekend on the slimmest excuse of a hunt that just as often as not turned into a detour to some tourist trap or other, or whether Dean just wanted to sit at home bingeing an old tv series or having a movie marathon, Cas seemed equally content with the slate of activities Dean conjured up for them.

He hadn’t put it into so many words, and he definitely hadn’t said it to Cas, but Dean also loved that Cas had stayed with him.

So it was strange waking up with an unsettled swirling in the pit of his stomach. He held a hand up to his forehead, checked his eyes and throat in the mirror to make sure he wasn’t coming down with something. He didn’t want to get Cas sick, if he was. He’d already survived Cas’s first cold as a human, just barely. They went through so much soup in a week, Dean was starting to wonder if Cas was just milking it for the room service. He had to admit that Cas letting him walk him through the highlights of Dr. Sexy while he was curled up in a blanket nest by his side wasn’t the worst thing he’d had to endure. But for now, Dean wasn’t sick. He just had a restlessness in his bones and no idea how to cure it.

He pulled on his robe and ambled out to the kitchen. Coffee would help him figure out what was eating at him, surely. Only Cas had beat him to it, which was unusual enough to amp up that uneasy feeling. Dean usually beat Cas to the kitchen most mornings, so walking in to a full pot of coffee and no other sign of Cas had him wondering if something was wrong. He poured himself a cup and set off in search of Cas, and whatever he was up to so early in the morning.

He found Cas sitting at the table in the library scrolling around on the internet. Dean just stood in the doorway and watched him for a moment, studying his posture as if it might give him some clue what sort of mood Cas was in. Human or not, Cas still had the intense focus he’d always had as an angel, and aside from pausing to take a sip of his coffee or navigate to the next page, he barely moved from his position hunched over the keyboard. Rather than startle him, Dean waited until Cas put his mug down before clearing his throat to announce his presence.

“Mornin’ sunshine. You’re up early.”

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, giving him a guilty glance before going back to his work. “Yes, I had been hoping to surprise you later, but I apparently didn’t wake up early enough for that. I hope you slept okay.”

Dean shrugged as he walked around the table and sat down across from Cas. He took a sip of his coffee before replying.

“Mostly. Woke up feeling restless, and I couldn’t figure out why.”

Cas nodded at him as if he understood exactly what Dean meant. “I did, as well. And then I checked the calendar. I assume you know what today is?”

Dean’s brow furrowed as he performed a few calculations. Days all sort of blended together after a while, but they’d made a trip up to Henderson for supplies on Wednesday, and that was only a couple days before.

“Friday?” Dean eventually replied, hoping he was right.

Cas laughed, but shook his head. “It is Friday, but it’s also September 18th.”

Dean blinked at him for a moment as he mentally rocketed back to a run down old gas station where the windows shattered the first time Cas had ever tried to introduce himself. He’d just clawed his way out of his own grave, and the local newspaper had helpfully supplied him the date, and the knowledge that he’d been in hell all of four months. No wonder he’d woken up feeling weird. He might’ve forgotten the date, but somewhere deep down, some part of him would always know it.

Dean came back to himself to find Cas waiting patiently for him, like he always did. He took another sip of his coffee and set the mug down, recalling what Cas had said before sending him off down disturbing memory lane. Better to focus on the present than linger in that particular bit of the past.

“So you were planning a surprise?”

Cas shrugged. “I thought maybe we should do something to celebrate. People celebrate these sorts of milestones, yes?”

Dean wobbled his head side to side and made a face. “Pretty sure Hallmark dosn’t make a card for this one.”

Cas frowned, reaching up to shut the laptop as if he’d made some terrible faux pas, but Dean quickly dropped his hand atop Cas’s to stop him.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate it anyway,” he said more quietly, smiling at Cas. “It was a pretty noteworthy occasion, you pulling me outta hell. What did you have in mind?”

Cas’s frown deepened. “That’s where I’ve been stuck all morning. It felt inappropriate to suggest going to visit your gravesite, and taking you out to dinner seems… trite, in light of the occasion.”

“You know me, Cas. I’m always up for food,” Dean replied, trying to lighten the mood. “Plus it wasn’t just about me being un-dead, you know. It’s the whole reason we met in the first place. And look how that turned out.”

Cas had finally begun to smile again, and turned his attention back to the computer. “We didn’t actually meet face to face until late the next night when you summoned me. There was a bit of a delay due to unforeseen circumstances.”

Dean thought about that for a minute, nodding as he remembered the events of his first few days back on earth. “Well, if you wanna do it right, we could always take a road trip back to that old barn, see if it’s still standing.”

“Have you been back there since then?” Cas asked, curious now.

Dean shook his head. “Driven by it a few times over the years, but never went back inside. The whole farm’s completely overgrown. I figured someone would’ve gotten freaked out by all the weird symbols and burned the place down by now. It was still standing as of a couple years ago.” That got Dean curious. “Have you been back?”

“It’s been a while,” Cas said quietly. “I used to fly there sometimes, when I still could. It was a quiet place to think.”

Dean nodded slowly. “Then that’s what we should do. We’re taking a road trip. I know at least three great diners between here and there I haven’t taken you to yet. We can make a whole weekend out of it.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Cas replied, finally shutting the computer.

“Good. Breakfast first, then we’ll head out. Have ourselves a little resurrection day road trip.”

Dean grabbed his mug and stood up. He’d need to get dressed and pack a bag. They could have a quick breakfast if they were gonna be stopping at Dana’s Diner for lunch. It was a bit of a detour, but the burgers were worth it. He flashed a grin at Cas.

“I’m gonna pack a bag and grab some cereal before we hit the road. Meet you in the kitchen in 20?”

Cas nodded and shut the laptop. As Dean made his way out to the hall, he heard Cas mutter quietly, “Happy Resurrection Day,” as if he was testing out the sentiment. He bit his lip to keep from laughing out loud.

The drive to Illinois took most of the day. It could’ve been a lot quicker, but in addition to Dana’s, they hit a steakhouse on the outskirts of Chicago for dinner before swinging back south toward their destination. Dean bypassed the Astoria Motel where a mirrored ceiling shattered by Cas’s angelic voice had once nearly killed him. He pointed it out as part of their trip down memory lane, but pulled up at a different motel clear across town with the excuse that it would be a shorter drive back to the barn in the morning. Their room was a lot less shabby, and a lot less pay-by-the-hour feeling than the Astoria, so Dean felt it was a win all around.

As they settled in for the night like they had every night they’d been on the road together, Dean let himself really feel the usual longing the three foot chasm between their beds brought out in him. Most nights he’d just roll over and pretend to fall asleep while mashing that feeling down as hard as he could. Tonight, though, he lay in bed staring across that gap, wishing he could make some excuse to crawl into the other bed. Of all nights, and in this particular place, he really just wanted someone to hug until dawn.

The specific someone being Cas.

In the dark, in the quiet listening to Cas’s breathing even out as he drifted off, for one moment Dean allowed himself to admit that he didn’t just love that Cas had stayed with him. He loved Cas. Full stop. Dean lay there until he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, holding on to that feeling and knowing he’d have to crush it back down in the morning.

He dreamt of what could’ve happened in that barn, if he hadn’t stabbed Cas that first time they’d met. With twelve years of history between them now, and Dean’s quiet revelation that he was in love with Cas, his dream-self went through a series of alternate endings to that meeting ranging from love confessions to things that he would definitely not be enumerating to Cas over breakfast the next morning. It made for an excellent night’s slumber.

Morning came without the restlessness the previous day had. Dean opened his eyes to the dawn light seeping between the curtains to shine a golden spotlight on Cas’s face, which was smiling back at him.

“Hello, Dean. I take it you slept better last night?”

Dean yawned, but didn’t quite feel like getting up yet. He wanted to enjoy this surreal moment for just a bit longer. Instead he stretched out under the blankets and propped himself up on his pillow to get a better look at Cas.

“Yeah, you?”

Cas propped himself up on his elbow, no longer in the little beam of light, and blinked at him. “I’m reserving judgment until after we have coffee, but yes. It seems to have been satisfactory.” Cas frowned for a second, and Dean was about to ask what was wrong, when Cas asked, puzzled, “If yesterday was Resurrection Day, what does that make today?”

Dean must’ve still been a bit loopy from his late night thoughts, the restful sleep, and what he could recall of the dream he’d been having. He never would’ve blurted it out around a yawn otherwise, but that’s exactly what he did.

“It’s countdown to Cas day.”

He froze for a second after the words had escaped into the wild, and then slowly turned to take in the fond look on Cas’s face.

“I’m already here, Dean.”

“Yeah, well, you weren’t twelve years ago. I didn’t even know your name yet.”

“You do now,” Cas replied. “How should we celebrate it? Since I sincerely hope you weren’t dead set on a complete reenactment. I don’t have the power to rattle the roof or blow open the doors anymore.”

Dean grinned at that and sat up. “Yeah, I don’t really wanna shoot you, either.”

“I appreciate that,” Cas replied, sitting up on the edge of his own bed opposite Dean. He looked right into Dean’s eyes, as if attempting to convey some deeper meaning to his words, and spoke quietly. “I’m glad you finally believe in me.”

They sat there for a long moment before Dean finally nodded. “‘Course I believe in you, Cas.”

They took turns in the shower and packed up their bags. After a quick breakfast on the way to the farm, they drove down the overgrown dirt road that led to the barn. Dean had to leave the car a good way back down the road, and they hiked through the knee-high scrub to the broken old barn door. Dean picked up a shattered timber and tossed it out of the way as he pushed his way inside.

“Man, this place is a lot less intimidating looking in broad daylight,” he said, as the two of them stood in the doorway and took in the faded symbols Bobby had painted on every surface of the interior. Broken glass still littered the floor, now covered with a heavy layer of dust.

“It looks different now, somehow,” Cas added. “Smaller. Which is strange considering I was so much larger the first time I was here.”

Dean turned to him and smiled. “Yeah, but now you’re seeing it human. It’s gotta be weird.”

Cas shrugged, and walked around the perimeter of the barn, examining the sigils out of old habit. “This has always been a quiet place for me,” he said, touching a warding sigil with his fingertips before continuing on. “Nothing unholy could find me here. I could be alone with my thoughts.”

Dean noticed a few of the sigils Cas stopped by, and didn’t recognize them. A collection of carefully drawn wards drawn much smaller and in a different shade of paint that stood out from all the rest he’d watched Bobby create twelve years ago.

“Did you add those?” he asked.

Cas nodded. “Angel proofing. Or at least, concealing.”

Dean thought back to all the times Cas had been running or hiding from Heaven and the rest of the angels. When he’d been human and had nowhere to go, and instead of coming here he’d run in the opposite direction, because Dean had kicked him out. A bolt of guilt shot through him and nailed his feet to the floor. This was a place Dean hadn’t come back to because it reminded him that he’d been to Hell, reminded him that Heaven had wanted him for their own for reasons that frankly horrified him now. But for Cas, this was the place Dean had first met him, a place that for him would forever be about the moment he was truly introduced to humanity. It had been kind of a shit introduction, if Dean was honest with himself. But twelve years later, after all the shit had played itself out, Cas had finally made his own choice about his life, and he’d come back to where it all began.

“Happy resurrection day,” Dean said as he stared at Cas from across the room.

Cas turned to him, the look of surprise on his face quickly turning to a smile. “It is a bit like a resurrection, isn’t it? We’ve come all the way back around to where it started, and we’re free of it all now.”

Dean just nodded dumbly, letting the enormity of it sink in as Cas walked over to stand in front of him.

“I don’t have wings or the power of Heaven at my back, but I do recall something I said to you that night. Good things do happen, Dean. And they have.”

“And here we are again,” Dean said, clearing his throat. Both of their lives had changed that night, and they’d spent so much of their time fighting against everything in the universe since then. The one constant had always been each other, even when they’d totally fucked it all up and broken the natural order and sacrificed themselves to fix it all again, they’d done it to save each other. At the end of the road, and the beginning of their journey, Dean couldn’t keep his feelings bottled up any longer. “I love you, you know.”

Cas sucked in a shocked breath of air and blinked at him for a moment, before a grin broke across his face, lighting up the gloomy, dusty haze in the barn. “I love you too, Dean. I’m so glad I’m here with you.”

Dean shook his head, finally prying his feet free to shuffle closer to Cas. He reached out a hand to rest it on Cas’s shoulder, right at the base of his neck. “No, I mean, I love you. I think I always have, and I know I always will, but I only really just figured it out. I’m in love with you and you’ve put me back together in ways you can’t even imagine. You might’ve resurrected me and healed me more times than I can count, but you helped make me a whole person, Cas. And I love you.”

Dean felt the prickling of tears behind his eyes and struggled to hold them back. Like he always did, Cas stared into him, right through him, and lifted a hand to Dean’s cheek.

“I’d hoped it was obvious when I chose humanity, when I chose to stay with you, that I felt the same way for you, Dean. I didn’t have any idea how much knowing you would change me, how much you would teach me about humanity and what makes life worth living when I first walked through those doors. One thing I did know, though, was that I already loved you. I had no idea what that even meant yet, but I would learn.”

A slightly manic laugh escaped Dean’s lips at the euphoria of hearing Cas’s words, seeing the heartbreaking honesty in his face, and wondering how long it was polite to wait before kissing him. Cas gave him a relieved smile, as if he’d been holding it all in far too long, and Dean let out a sigh as he pulled Cas to him.

“Love at first stab, huh?” Dean asked, smiling right into Cas’s face.

“Don’t belittle it, Dean. I loved you even before then. The moment I laid a hand on you in Hell. Healing your soul and reuniting it with your body, resting you gently in your grave and waiting for you to emerge again.”

“You do know how fucked up that was, right? You couldn’t have just dug me out?”

Cas’s brow furrowed. “It was Heaven’s orders. I never thought to question them. But yes, it has bothered me many times over the years.”

“Yeah, well, it’s bothered me more than once that I tried to thank you for saving me from Hell by stabbing you in the heart.”

“It worked, though,” Cas replied, one eyebrow raised. “I’m still here with you.”

“Better than cupid’s arrow,” Dean muttered, and then grimaced at his own terrible reference. It amused Cas, though. “Okay, enough awful jokes. Are you gonna kiss me already?”

Cas made a considering face, as if he hadn’t already made up his mind. “Happy resurrection day to both of us, then. I suppose we know exactly how to celebrate it now.”

Dean took that as the invitation it was, and leaned in for a kiss. Their lips met tentatively at first, and then more confidently as they clung to one another in the gloom. The exploding lights were all internal this time, but no less spectacular. Dean shuffled his feet and heard the crunching of broken glass, and reluctantly pulled back from Cas.

“We should probably find someplace less dangerous if we’re gonna keep going…”

Cas nodded his regretful agreement. With one last look around the old barn, they pulled the doors shut.

“We can come back next year, if you want,” Dean said, taking Cas’s hand and leading him back to the car. “Make it an annual thing.”

“That sounds like a plan,” Cas replied. “The annual resurrection road trip.”

“Next year we bring a broom,” Dean added, leading Cas through the weeds. “Maybe a picnic.”

Cas laughed, letting his hand go when they reached the car.

“So what do you wanna do next?” Dean asked as he climbed back behind the wheel. “We still technically got the rest of the day to celebrate.”

“You mentioned several diners you wanted to introduce me to, and it’s nearly time for lunch,” Cas replied.

Dean thought over their options, then leaned across the front seat to plant a kiss on the corner of Cas’s mouth, just because he could. The look of surprised delight on Cas’s face was more than worth it. “How much of a detour are you up for?”

Cas gave him a look of mock pity. “Dean, I’ll go anywhere with you. No detour is too long if I have you to share the journey with.”

Dean gave him a proper kiss, with a promise of more for later. “Then let’s get this show on the road.”

[tessmontyart]

2020 year in review

It’s funny, last year I never actually got around to doing one of these. I didn’t think it was overly interesting. Oh 2019, how I miss you so 😭Such an innocent time ....

I’ll do a quick recap, cause hey no-one but me reads these anyway. 2019 was a glorious time. I went to Italy for the first time, went on an awesome Hunter Valley trip with my friends, had a 100th birthday celebration for my pop, I got to see the show I worked on air on TV, we saw the Lano and Woodley apartment in Melbourne .... Good times!

I didn’t give a rats about being unemployed and took matters into my own hands by making loads of new merch and selling at the most conventions I’ve ever been to. I tabled at Sydney Supanova, Adelaide Avcon, Sydney SMASH, Coffs Nexus Con, Sydney Oz Comic Con and Brisbane Supanova! I did so much travelling and events, it became my full time job. It was exhausting, but it was loads of fun, it paid the bills nicely, and it was wonderful to meet followers and mutuals in person.

My partner was very invested in counting up the numbers of what was selling and what wasn’t, and taking note of what was inconvenient with my setup and how to make it better. He even made a powerpoint presentation on what I could focus on for 2020, what kind of merch I could focus on and adding more conventions to my list. We were both excited about the idea of trying out Armageddon in New Zealand, which would have been my first overseas convention!

Cue 2020.

It started off uneasy. There were still bushfires everywhere and smoke hanging around, but I was optimistic they would die soon and the rest of the year would be fine. I booked a bunch of conventions early as usual. Got a whole bunch of new things made and ordered for the first convention of the year, Melbourne Supanova in early April. Some Acrylic charms didn’t make it in time because of COVID, but I thought that’s ok I still have a whole years worth of conventions to sell them at!

COVID-19 was just a spooky mysterious thing that was happening overseas at that point. I think there might have been 1 case in Australia, so all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer was sold out, but we were still able to do our usual travelling for the event. Little did I know, Melbourne Supanova was the first and last event I could do in 2020.

COVID hit Australia hard, Melbourne especially. There were lockdowns, quarantines, planes were grounded, airmail was halted, the cases kept multiplying, rules kept changing and changing and it was all so new and such a headache. Seeing every single convention I had booked cancel one after the other was hard to process. This was my main source of income in 2019 and now it’s up and vanished. Everyone were losing their jobs too, so the idea of getting a new job was completely out the window. 

I tried to cheer myself up by drawing ‘Toilet Paper Chan’, my new magical girl character who has the ability to summon toilet paper in a time of need 😅

I made it into a Draw This In Your Style challenge, seeing as everyone was bored out of their minds in quarantine I hoped it was something people could pass the time and have fun making. 

(here’s a handful of my favourites) I had a few entries which were all very adorable, but I admit not as many people joined as I expected. I don’t blame them though, this whole pandemic was very soul sucking and demotivating, especially hearing the constant stream of bad news when it all started.

I also made some lineart of a cute Easter girl, encouraging people to colour her in if they are bored in quarantine.

That was really fun, and I planned to do more, perhaps whole colouring books for a small price to download. 

Then, out of nowhere, my friend from the last animation studio I worked at in 2018 contacted me. “Hey Tess, are you looking for work?”

“Um .... yes?”

Work? In 2020? What?

It turns out the animation industry is one of the only industries that are doing fine in the pandemic. Literally the only change is that animators have to work from home instead of at a studio. If you have the animation software and an internet connection you have everything you need.

So my good friend had recently scored this job for a studio which outsources all their animation for their animated TV series. The role is just fixing up any animation errors inhouse to minimize the amount of back-and-fourth between studios. It doesn’t sound like much but it became too big a job for just one dude to handle, so he contacted me and 2 of my other animation friends to help out. We had a ball!

It was loads of fun, and the contract lasted the whole year! 

It wasn’t just fixing up errors either, I got to animate walking/ running / jumping / flying cycles for the overseas animators to use, which was great practice for me, and we even had a whole episode to ourselves to animate from scratch which I really enjoyed.

And then ... the year just flew by, because I was busy working the whole time. It was really quite surreal!

There were a few highlights, such as being a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and organising her hens party, which is one of those once-in-a-lifetime things.

(Hens Party - it was yellow themed (her favourite colour) and High Tea.. it was adorable!)

(The bridesmaids and the bride on the Wedding Day)

Unfortunately there were some lowlights too ... This was the last year I got to see my aunt. 

She was the craziest, funniest aunt, and still far too young to go. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be the same without her.

As always, drawing is the only way I cope with anything. My family chose a plain wooden casket, encouraging everybody to write a message or draw something on it, before it would be sent to the crematorium. I drew Spotty, her awesome horse I remember from my childhood, surrounded by her favourite flowers. Monty draw Mingus, her awesome ferret we also remember from our childhood.

That wasn’t the only bad news either. Pat’s Grandpa passed away later in the year, and a handful of my friends had relatives who either passed away or were diagnosed with cancer or some other horrible life threatening disease. A musician who collaborated with favourite artist collaborated passed as well, and even though I didn’t know him personally, it was still horribly devastating. Not to mention all my friends/relatives pets who didn’t make it through 2020. There was just so much loss this year, and I’m still grieving my cousin and my friend’s mum who both passed last year, it’s getting harder and harder to cope. It’s gotten to the point where I’m paranoid about who the next person will be because I haven’t finished grieving the last ... 

All I can say is I hope 2021 is a little kinder when it comes to my loved ones. The small light at the end of the tunnel is; any suicidal thoughts I used to have frequently have all completely vanished, because I’ve been faced with the reality of it all. You really don’t realise how many people love you, people you don’t even know.

...

That was very dark, but it’s definitely something I needed to get off my chest.

Lets go back to a much lighter note. 

More highlights: 

🌻Animal Crossing New Horizons came out this year! I used to play Wild World back in the day so it was wonderfully nostalgic, and me and Pat have made the cutest little town with all our favourite villagers. It’s a nice way to escape from it all ^_^

(Monty’s island when we started)

🌻Speaking of games, the brand new Crash Bandicoot came out this year too! It was actually jaw droppingly amazing seeing all the awesome new ideas and mechanics they came up with while still keeping it classicly Crash. I loved it and I’m so excited to see if they give Spyro the same treatment!

🌻2020 brought about new and interesting ways to still enjoy Live entertainment. Lano and Woodley did a Zoom show which was absolutely hilarious, and Lights did an amazing online Dead End show which had me so pumped!

🌻Pat and I continued our anniversary High Tea tradition, this time trying it out at the Hydro Majestic hotel in the Blue Mountains!

🌻Speaking of Pat, his sister got married this year too, despite the pandemic. Congratulations!

🌻Pat randomly bought a Miku figure for himself, out of the blue, completely unravelling years of unnecessary ‘shame’ I’ve inherited caused by a pushy mother and a crappy ex. I used to love figure collecting but was convinced by certain judgy people that it was stupid and I needed to sell them all. I kept my very favourites in a cupboard ‘just incase they increase in value’. But now I can finally display them all again knowing Pat loves them just as much as I do!

We also added a ton more to the collection to make up for lost time (and because there’s SO MANY CUTE MIKUS NOWADAYS)

It’s a bit messy because we recently got new ones and need to make more space for them. The shelf with the Vocaloid nendoroids were my original ones hidden away in the cupboard, the rest we got this year ^_^ They make me so happy!

🌻Speaking of Pat unlocking things I’ve always wanted to do in the past: I am now planning to revive my old OCs Yui and Lotto! They were just characters of mine back in the day, but since I’m not good writing I never really came up with a story for them. But with Pat’s writer wisdom and my kawaii art style, I’m now planning a webcomic featuring the two cuties ^_^ It’s still in the very early planning stages but I’m super excited, and forever grateful for Pat, for believing in me ;w;

🌻This year I drew 31 more Owl City songs in copic markers, to go towards my ongoing project to draw every song! I’m actually getting quite close to my goal now which is exciting! 

🌻This year I went to a Drive-In movie theatre for the first time to see the new Bill and Tedd movie, it was glorious and now I wanted to try more drive-ins. Going out to see a movie on a big screen *without* being able to hear smart-asses or screaming babies? Yes please!!

🌻How could I forget, this was the year my idol noticed me!! Lights shared and retweeted my Deadend fanart! Life = made.

What to to look forward to in 2021:

This is the first New Year where I actually have an idea of how 2021 will go! I managed to secure another animation job at a new studio starting January, ending January 2022 😊So thats the financial security for this year sorted! :P

As for general goals for 2021;

I’m hoping to have a decent plan, concept art, chapter ideas and hopefully even a script done for my new webcomic! I also wanted to make some cute simple animations of the characters just because c:

I’d also like to just do more of my own animation in general ... I animate every day for work but I never get to do my own animated projects. It will be hard with a full time job, so maybe this can be a 2022 goal ... but hopefully I can do at least one little animation of my own!

I suppose another goal is to make a social media accounts for my animation, too. Even if I don’t fulfil my goal, I still would like a page to showcase everything I’ve done so far.

And if all else fails .... Another goal is to draw more Miku. It’s crazy that I love her this much and haven’t drawn any fanart!

I think I’ll leave it there because I’m babbling now. 😅

I’ve done so many of these now o_o

[2018] [2017] [2016] [2015] [2014] [2013] [2012]

[littlemixnet]

Jade Thirlwall on how Little Mix’s new era is all about having fun

Has there ever been a time when we’ve needed a glorious new Little Mix single more than right now? Probably not.

The UK’s biggest girl group are back for their sixth era and have brought with them an 80s-tinged pop anthem that’ll swoop you out of your isolation blues.

Written by Jade Thirlwall, Perrie Edwards and Leigh-Anne Pinnock with Kamille, Frank Nobel and Linus Nordstrom, Break Up Song is a whopper of a return, pairing love-lorn lyrics with sky-soaring synths.

While working from home this week, we caught up with Jade over the phone to speak about Little Mix’s highly-anticipated new album, Leigh-Anne’s iconic new mullet, how they have protected the well-being of contestants on their upcoming BBC One talent show and, of course, which queens she’s enjoying on the latest season of Drag Race.

Hi Jade! How are you coping in isolation? Not too bad. I haven’t got cabin fever just yet.

I follow you on Instagram and saw that you’ve already completed a Disney castle Lego set… Oh yeah, what a dream!

That’s one way to keep yourself occupied. Have you got any more Lego sets left? No but I’ve ordered more! I’ve got jigsaws and board games and stuff like that, so as it stands I’m quite highly entertained to be honest.

I love how you’re going old school with it. None of this House Party app stuff. [Laughs] Well I am a bit of a Nana!

Well a new Little Mix single is exactly what we all need right now. Yes, 100%. I love that it’s a very uplifting, happy, cheery pop song. That’s what Little Mix are best at I think. I’m really excited for this new era.

Break Up Song is a brilliant return, so why did you decide on that track to kick-start the LM6 era? There was actually a different song that was the front-runner for the first single, and Break Up Song pretty much swooped in at the last minute. The video was ready and everything for this other song. We wrote Break Up Song over a year ago and we listened to it again in the playback session and we were like, ‘wait a minute – this should be the first single.’ So we called the label and was like, ‘This has to be it now.’ We got that jittery feeling that we had with Shout Out To My Ex and Black Magic where it just felt special.

It’s definitely one of those songs that you find yourself getting lost in – it kind of encapsulates you. Yeah, I love that. I agree. It’s one of those songs that you want to listen to again right after. I just had a really good feeling about it, so hopefully everyone else feels the same.

How did the 80s vibe come about? When we’re writing, we work really well when we’re given a definite brief. Whether it’s an era of music or a very strong concept, that’s when we write the best music. We were playing around in the studio with Kamille, Frank Nobel and Linus Nordstrom with the synths, and it just sort of happened. This was well before artists right now started coming out with more of the 80s vibe. I know The Weeknd brought out an 80s vibe song, and so has Dua Lipa. It was before that happened so it’s quite a coincidence. I guess it’s a good thing now that that’s where Top 10 is at at the minute.

Can we talk about Leigh-Anne’s mullet for a second please. What a serve. Honestly, it’s iconic isn’t it? Nobody else could’ve pulled that mullet off!

As soon as you see it you’re like, ‘I never knew I needed this in my life’. How did you all decide on which classic 80s look you’d get? Well hun, I’ve got a bloody mountain of hair on my head so I could never have squashed that mullet on! So I worked with what I’ve got and went for the side sweep and kept all me long hair out. Then obviously the video shoot as well – which is a shame it ended up getting cancelled because of everything that is going on at the minute – but we wanted to go the whole 80s hog and do the full shebang. We came up with the treatment and everything and it was really exciting, but we’re still going to do something really cool for the video. We just like going all-out, don’t we? If you’re going to do something, you’d better commit to it.

For you personally, what’s your favourite thing about 80s pop culture? I just love how full-on it was. I’m all or nothing, me. I’m either very androgynous – which really suits the 80s era with that Bowie vibe – or like drag queen vibes. I loved that in the 80s all the lads were rocking make-up and hair like it was nothing. It’s a shame it sort of died down. I loved a bit of Bananarama. I loved Diana Ross when she was going out of that sort of dancey era. Obviously I wasn’t alive in the 80s, but I have memories of sitting with my dad watching VH1 Classics where I’d see it all.

So you’ve been busy at work on the sixth album – what can you tell us about that? With this era we haven’t over-thought it. We’ve just gone with what feels good and not worried as much about what’s cool or what people will want to hear. It’s very much been, ‘OK, this is an amazing song – it’s going on the album.’ That has lifted a weight off our shoulders really. It was quite a stressful process for LM5 and the change of labels and everything. For this, we were very much left to have fun and get back to what we really love about being Little Mix.

The best music is always made when an artist is having fun with it and there’s an authenticity to it. Yeah, 100% – and that’s not to say we didn’t love LM5 because we wrote so much of that album and we put so much into it. That whole era was very much about what we stood for; female empowerment, women’s rights and it was very topical in that moment. It’s something we are very passionate about. We really did get that message across. But we’ve done that now, so now it’s time to let our hair down a bit and have some fun.

You’ve always pushed the Little Mix sound throughout your career, but have managed to retain a sense of identity with it as well. Whatever direction you go in, you always know it’s a Little Mix song. What do you think, at this point, is the key ingredient for a Little Mix song? Whatever sounds popular at that minute, we’ll also be like, ‘OK, let’s jump on it and do it, but make it Little Mix’ instead of just cloning what everyone else is doing. We’re a girl band so immediately it’s different for us. I wouldn’t say it’s harder, but we always have to make sure that we don’t sound too cheesy because we are a pop girl group and people automatically have this weird sort of opinion about pop groups in general. So it’s about constantly proving ourselves and it’s why we can adapt with the times. We’ve been together for nearly nine years now, so the proof is in the pudding that we’re managing to adapt and change with every era, while still remaining Little Mix-y. We’ve also maintained the fans who have been with us from the beginning, while keeping the younger audience as well. It’s about being authentic and sticking to our guns in who we are and what we want to do. It’s been a very gradual process. When we were 18, we very much looked 18! But with each year we’ve grown as women.

And now you’re searching for a new band! Little Mix: The Search is coming soon. Talk about coming full circle from being put together on a talent show to creating your own new group all these years later. How have you found being on the other side of that process? It’s so bizarre – it’s very strange. Obviously we’ve been in their position and we know how that feels to be standing in front of judges and singing for them. So I feel like we really relate to the contestants more and really empathise with them and make sure the process is as fun as it can possibly be for them. It’s been really difficult to say ‘no’ to people, because we’ve had those knock-backs before. It can be really crushing. It has been emotionally draining having to let people go. It’s hard telling people that they’re not quite there yet. But on the other side, we have found some insanely talented people and it’s just so exciting. Every single group that we’ve formed are special in their own way.

As you say, you’ve been through a process like this yourself, so did you all make sure you put in protections for the contestants from the off? We’ve very much been involved through the whole process. A massive chunk of the budget for the show has gone on after care and mental health. There’s going to be counsellors there constantly looking after the contestants in the house. Even if someone doesn’t get through we have an after care process where the researchers call them up each week to check in on how they are. There’s been a lot of focus on making sure they are looked after, which I think we could have very much done with back in the day! It was really very important to us to make sure that was put in place.

You said earlier that you’re heading into your ninth year as a group, which means that 10th anniversary is on the horizon. Have you started to think about how you’d like to celebrate that because it’s a huge milestone? Honestly I can’t believe it. Especially with the other girls because they’ve all got partners and they’re settled down and grown up, and I’m just sitting here thinking, ‘Bloody hell, when did this all happen?’ Obviously we’ll be putting on a big tour and we’ll have the new album. I don’t know exactly what we’ll be doing next year – especially with everything going on. Things are being pushed back. We just take each day as it comes to be honest. I’m still having an absolute ball.

Whatever it is it’ll be something celebratory because 10 years is a massive achievement. Oh absolutely – and you know me, I’ll be at every bloody Pride going next year! Especially now they’ve been cancelled this year. It’s all very upsetting, but hopefully we can perform at some big Prides next year.

Obviously I need to talk to you about Drag Race. You’ve been watching the new season so do you have any early favourites? Yeah! Who am I liking at the minute? Who’s the really model-y one? Is it Gigi?

Yes, Gigi Goode! We love her. She is really serving the looks. I do love a Look Queen. But to me, as it stands, there’s not any proper front-runners yet.

It feels like a very strong season from the off. Yeah exactly, which is amazing. Even last week when Rock M. Sakura got sent home, I was like, ‘Wow I didn’t expect that.’ I didn’t expect the first queen to go home either. It’s very entertaining and it’ll keep us all entertained while we’re indoors. Very much here for it. Who’s your favourite?

I really like Gigi too, and I actually really like Heidi N Closet. She’s really funny. Yes she is funny! I like the French one as well, Nicky Doll. I think she’s a bit of a dark horse.

When you were a guest judge on Drag Race UK last year was it everything you expected it to be? When I tell you that that was one of the best days of my life… I was in my absolute element. It was just heaven on Earth. I was proper fan-girling. I was trying my best to act really cool and be the glamorous pop star who didn’t care, but inside I was screaming! It was just perfect. It was amazing being on set and seeing how it all works. Seeing them lip sync to one of our songs was incredible! I made a few friends off the back of it as well. I still speak with The Vivienne quite a lot. I’d love to do it again.

Did you feel the pressure when they did the runway to come up with funny quips about their looks? When we were on set they actually said for the UK one that RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Graham Norton very much believe in it, so I told myself, ‘Oh here hun, shut your hole’. The last thing I want to do is try to crack a joke that doesn’t get a laugh, do you know what I mean? So I thought I’d just shut up for that bit! But I feel like I served some good lines during the critiques and stuff, so I was happy with that.

As a fan of the show for many years, did appearing as a guest judge change your perception of it in any way? If anything it made me love it even more. I was especially happy that my first appearance on it was for the UK one. If I’m totally honest, before I turned up I was thinking ‘I dunno how they’re going to make the UK one not feel less…’ But actually when I got there I was pleasantly surprised. After watching it as well, I feel like the UK was the best one for me. I loved the British humour and how they didn’t Americanise it too much. I loved seeing all the behind-the-scenes of the show. The studio is absolutely freezing so that none of the queens’ make-up melted! I was sitting with a hot water bottle on my lap under the desk.

The British queens really pulled through and I’m now really excited for the second season of the UK version. Absolutely, and now everyone has seen how amazing it is, even more queens are going to want to do it.

Little Mix’s new single Break Up Song is available to stream now.

[callioope]

Good Things in 2019

@theputterer and @the-strongest-stars tagged me in the awesome annual end-of-year Good Things meme! I’ve done this in 2018 & 2017 and always think it’s a fun exercise of both reflection and looking forward.

Oh boy, though, my first thought was, what even happened in 2019? (Looking at a calendar helped! It reminded me of a few things I forgot)

It’s been a Rough Year, friends. Between OCD and basically travelling almost every weekend in the latter half of 2019, I am very much ready for a new year and hopefully a new slate.

But this is about the positives!

Personal

Played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons! I am now officially in two campaigns. This year, I endeavored to recruit more women to play, including the wonderful @allatariel. I play both my beloved cleric, Maritsa (who I’ve been playing her years now) and my new character, Noara, a ranger elf with a red panda familiar (yeah, my DM let me do that for funsies, so I could get an animal sidekick but also still try out the Horizon Walker subclass). 

Speaking of red pandas, I accomplished my LIFE GOAL of meeting a red panda face-to-face. I got to feed Harriet at the Cincinnati Zoo for 30 minutes. She was adorable. 

Completed all my dental work and had a clean bill of dental health two cleanings in a row! 

Attended DC’s Around the World Embassy Day event, always fun

Attended Star Wars night at a local library, where I got to participate in a short demo/lesson on how to fence with a lightsaber!

Attended 50th Anniversary Celebration of Apollo 11 / landing on the moon (dude they projected the rocket on the Washington Monument and it looked so cool)

Returned to the NY Ren Faire and upgraded my ren faire garb

Celebrated at THREE friends’ weddings and got to catch up with old friends I hadn’t seen in awhile

Ate ice cream at the Ben & Jerry’s Factory in Vermont

Went to NYCC for the third year in a row. Got to wear 2 costumes this year: a 1920s flapper interpretation of an occamy and my Endor!Leia costume (repeat of 2017). Learned the True Pain of sewing. Created feather shawl for my occamy costume. Learned the True Pain of crafting.

Celebrated one year anniversary with hubbie down where we got married: visited the museum we got married in and actually got a chance to enjoy the exhibits, went to our favorite brunch place down there, got to check out Fleet Week and tour an aircraft carrier and uh... I think it was a missile cruiser? 

Went up to PSU for a women’s hockey game for sister’s birthday (made embarrassing HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign for the cameras); also it was an absolutely wonderful fall drive on the way up there

Got to see The Rise of Skywalker in IMAX at the Smithsonian Air & Space Center with the awesome @allatariel! (thank goodness we had each other to get through that movie lol) also got to reuse my Endor!Leia costume. I did my own braids for the first time ever! (usually my talented sister does them) They looked like braids done by a n00b, but I didn’t care because they were passable and I did them myself and that was a Big Thing for Perfectionist Me (to not just... say screw it and undo it and just. give up. but to just let them be as is)

Worked hard at therapy and self care

Got a Sleep Number bed and holy shit let me tell you. i can actually sleep now.

OH! I almost forgot!!! Started playing Assassin’s Creed! I’ve only ever really played the LEGO Star Wars and Harry Potter video games so like. This was big for me. 

Writing

Finally finished Learning Curve. TBH I was a bit shocked that this was in fact the only fic I published in 2019. What a travesty.

However! I have been writing

@allatariel & I sat down, overanalyzed You’ve Got Mail, and drafted up the outline for my in-universe AU, something I’ve been dreaming of starting for years. Have about 4300 words so far.

Just under the wire, I did manage to start my NatGeo AU, which I’ve been dreaming of since my honeymoon in Nov 2018

Started editing/revising my original young adult fantasy novel

Poked a little at my epic fantasy pirate travel novel idea

Books

I read exactly one book, Among the Red Stars, which I enjoyed. It’s about women fighter pilots in Russia in WW2. Inspired by real people.

Music

Saw Panic at the Disco! in concert. I went along with my sister. Not like a huge fan, but they put on a pretty fun show!

Saw Waitress on Broadway!! OH MY GOD. And Sara Bareilles was starring in it. Amazing. I freaking love her music (”How does she know / what a heart sounds like?” gahhh). She was so good, and the show was so good. I literally cried all the way through it just because I was so happy to be there, but also because of the content. Man.

Saw Sara Bareilles again, in concert, in Philly. I love her so much.

Television

Finished Critical Role Campaign 1! Oh man, what a ride. Gosh, I love that show. I really need to catch up in C2 now. I’ve started it but I’m only on episode 26 or 27.

I’m not sure whether I finished The Clone Wars in 2018 or 2019. I think it was early 2019. This show was amazing and this was the character development that Anakin Skywalker needed. I love Ahsoka Tano. I cannot wait for the last season.  

Finished Rebels!!! AGAIN, what a ride!!! I still love Ahsoka Tano. I also love Hera Syndulla and Sabine Wren. Sabine’s Darksaber arc was fantastic.

The Mandalorian OMG BABY YODA!!! Yes, I have succumbed to the adorableness of Baby Yoda. Most adorable SW character forever. But also just an enjoyable story in general. This, this is how you craft a story. still NOT over the darksaber omg. 

The Good Place is continuing to be good. Not as crazy about season 4, but I’m so glad they decided to limit the seasons.

Got my sister to watch Rebels!! And then even a few episodes of The Clone Wars!!! Mwahaha >) 

Finally got around to watching The Great British Bake Off, what a sweet show!

OMG I ALMOST FORGOT Anne With an E!!! Gosh what a wonderful wholesome delightful show. No I haven’t watched S3 yet because I am Lawful Good to a fault and just patiently waiting for it to come on Netflix

Film

So, I woefully neglected to mention The Aeronauts in this post about my favorite movies in the 2010s and that was a Mistake. Because I really enjoyed this one

But otherwise probably check out that list. Because I don’t go to the movies that often, actually, and anything I really loved from 2019 is most definitely listed there.

Did I meet my 2019 Goals?

Writing: Fandom

Finish Learning Curve YES

...and How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days Uh, no, not so much

Begin and complete the in-canon universe You’ve Got Mail AU YES, it is begun but no it is not complete

Try to knock out a few other projects on my 30+ SW ideas Umm, I did start / poke at a few things in addition to the YGM and NatGeo AUs, but nothing really “knocked out”

Try my hand at creating more visual fan works (like moodboards/photosets, step 1, learn proper terminology) ahahahah, no. 

Writing: Original

Query more agents for my completed original novel YIKES, No. But I wasn’t anticipating that I’d decide to heavily edit/revise my manuscript.

Actually get around to deciding which idea I want to work on next and work on it Yeah, sure, I decided. How nice of past!Liz to make this goal so reachable as “deciding” lol

Reading

Be more supportive in helping my friend run Book Club so that it can actually meet more regularly HA, oops. Book Club died, but kind of in favor of being able to start a second D&D campaign. At least that’s the trade off I’m looking at. I had some OCD-related glasses issues this year that inhibited reading a lot.

Try to read at least one book for myself outside of Book Club lol WELL the one book I read this year was not part of Book Club sooo

Goals for 2020

Writing

I’m not going to make this a completion goal, but instead...

...I’d like to just focus on creating a regular writing schedule/habit. Whatever the project, I just want to make sure I carve out significant time each week just to write. I don’t want to set a specific goal like “x hours a week” for now, but I want to make sure that I am writing each week.

To achieve that (because what are goals without maps):

If the words don’t immediately jump onto the page, then I’m going to try outlining or summarizing. I’m going to let go of overthinking how sentences are phrased, and just pretend I’m describing the story idea to a friend.

That blank page is staring at me and I’m just going to fill it with words no matter what I might think of them!

And I’m going to let everything else expand from there. And see how that works.

Edit my original manuscript

Query more agents re: original manuscript

Look into the idea of perhaps forming or joining a writer’s group for original writing oh gosh that is so scary

Other

Get back into reading

Develop a routine for working out

Eat healthier

Continue focusing on therapy goals

Get around to watching: Black Sails, Mad Max: Fury Road, Arrival

Get better at responding to things in general

Tagging: @allatariel, @magalis, @mythologicalmango, @skitzofreak, @threadsketchier, @brynnmclean, @ruby-red-inky-blue, @siachti and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!

Happy New Year y’all!

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #497

Top Ten PC Games No One Talks About Anymore

Blimey, Quake is rather good, isn’t it? Have you heard about it? I really hope so, because it’s only twenty-five years old. I mean, Jesus. What’s up with that? Quake is meant to be the future. It’s full of true-3D polygonal texture-mapping and real-time dynamic light-sourcing. Fancy it being a quarter of a century old. That’s ridiculous. “Old” is for things like, I dunno, Space Invaders or The Godfather or I Wanna Hold Your Hand. Stuff that our parents heard about before we were born. It’s not – it’s absolutely not – used to describe something that people bought 3D accelerator cards for. It’s not used to describe a game that popularised online gaming.

But old it is, getting silver anniversary cards and everything. No longer the angry, hungry young tiger, devouring its ancestors and growling at upstart rivals like Duke Nukem 3D – sure, you’ve got non-linear levels, interactive scenery, and toilet humour, but we’ve got grenades that bounce with real physics – Quake is now an aged beast of the forest, resplendent, battle-scarred, weary with gravitas. Quake is the game that shaped the now, but it does not represent the future anymore. In fact, arguably its greatest rival – Unreal – is the game with the lasting, living legacy, its progeny building the next generation of gaming with one of the most popular and impressive engines around, the framework underpinning everything from Gears to Jedi to Fortnite. Quake blew us all away, but arguably it ceded the conflict, secure in its status as one of the most important and influential games of all time. Quake II got plaudits for actually having a proper story and an engrossing single-player campaign (and coloured lighting!), and its immediate descendants such as Half-Life changed the nature of what FPS games could do, but in a funny way it feels like Quake has long since retired. A sleeping titan. It got old.

So it’s great that they rereleased it on modern systems! The version of Quake released last month is basically the game I remember, but tarted up a little around the edges, with texture filtering and dynamic shadows and other stuff that I couldn’t manage on my Pentium 75 back in the day. It plays great – it’s slick as anything, and you go tearing round the levels like a Ferrari with a nail gun, blasting dudes and ducking back around a corner before you get hit with a pineapple in the face. It’s the first game I’ve played in a long, long time that evokes the feel of classic PC first-person shooters of that era – which, y’know, kinda makes sense as it is a first-person shooter of that era. But that style of fast-paced run-and-gun, circle-strafing gameplay has gone out of fashion now, with FPS games usually favouring slow, methodical, tactical combat, or larger-scale open-world warfare usually involving vehicles. Whether it’s a straight-up no-frills blaster like Quake, or a game that takes you on more of a linear, narrative journey, like Quake II, or even just a multiplayer-focused arena shooter, like Quake III Arena, it does feel like a dying artform, like a style of gameplay that could do with a resurgence (and, to be fair, there are games on the horizon that look like they’re harking back to the era, so that’s cool).

But it’s not just first-person shooters like Quake that I feel have slipped from gaming’s shared consciousness. Maybe it’s my age (it’s definitely my age) but there seems to be quite a lot of games that were a big deal twenty or so years ago that are utterly forgotten now, whereas some – Doom, Duke Nukem, Command & Conquer, Age of Empires – are often namechecked or rebooted (even before the full-on 2016 reboot, Doom must have been one of the most re-released games of the last thirty years). But there are lots of others where sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that remembers it. And that’s where this list comes in: inspired by the excellent re-release of the Quake franchise, here are some other great PC games of that general era that I feel still need shouting about, even if I’m the only one doing the shouting. Maybe they don’t all need a full-on remaster or whatever, but it’d still be nice if they got a bit of modern gaming love.

No One Lives Forever (2000): coming at a time when most FPS games were still Doom-style blasters with little in the way of real plot, NOLF was different: stylish and funny, genuinely well-written (as in the dialogue), with interesting objective-based missions and a cool female protagonist. It skirted similar ground to Bond and the then-white-hot Austin Powers franchise. Two games were made and then, as far as I’m aware, it evaporated into a mess of tangled rights, hence no sequels or remakes. A shame, because it was great.

MDK (1997): the next game from the people who made the multimedia phenomenon that was Earthworm Jim, MDK was a really cool slice of sci-fi style, all sleek level design and intriguing features. It had a supremely bonkers plot which bled through into a game with a sense of humour, but mostly it was the run-and-gun gameplay and innovative use of a scoped weapon – possibly (don’t quote me on this) the first sniper rifle in a videogame. An even wackier sequel followed, but despite its cult status, that was it.

Star Trek: The Next Generation – Klingon Honor Guard (1998): it’s probably fair to say that Star Trek has not had as many great videogames as Star Wars, perhaps because Trek’s historically straightlaced earnestness just didn’t translate as well as bashing someone up the chops with a laser sword. Honor Guard shook things up by casting you as a Klingon, showering levels with pink blood and going Full Worf. It was the first game to licence the Unreal engine, and had a cool level where you walked along the outside of a ship like in First Contact. Also: shout out to the Voyager game, Elite Force (2000), which was another really good FPS set in the world of Trek, with intriguing gameplay wrinkles as you fought the Borg. It also let you wander round the titular starship between levels. Trek deserves more quality action games like these.

Earth 2150 (2000): the nineties on PC really saw RTS games come down to those who liked Command & Conquer or those who liked Warcraft, but as the decade drew to a close other titles chased the wargame crown (including Total Annihilation, which would have made this list, except I feel like the Supreme Commander franchise is a sequel in all but name). 2150 was notable for its Starcraft-like mix of three factions with contrasting play styles, and its use of 3D graphics and the ability to design and build weapons of war that could lay waste to armies and bases with spectacular results. I think the genre has ossified into something more hardcore, and this was probably an inflex point where idiots like me could still get a handle on things.

Midtown Madness (1999): Microsoft has a history of building up great racing franchises and then abandoning them, but their “Madness” line of games in the late nineties/early noughties was terrific and much-missed. Back when tooling round actual 3D cities was still new and exciting, this was a no-holds-barred arcade racer, with some gorgeous shiny chrome effects on the cars, and very nippy handling. It was great fun smashing up VW Beetles and the like. It was surpassed, I guess, by Project Gotham on the Xbox, and sadly the whole franchise was then forgotten, despite the ascendent Forza franchise mostly shunning city driving.

Commandos: Behind Enemy Lines (1998): part tactical war game, part puzzler, Commandos was famous for its gorgeously intricate graphics and its difficulty – I mean, it was way too hard for me. But its beautiful top-down design and its slow, methodical gameplay was compelling, as you evaded Nazis and solved missions with a team of unique units with special skills. Sequels followed, and western spin-off Desperados, but there’s not been a true follow-up for quite some time, despite promises; and few games have echoed its style or look.

The Pandora Directive (1996): okay, so really this is just a placeholder for an entire subgenre of game that appears to have been forgotten: interactive movies. I know, there are flirtations with this from time to time; and many of these games featured obtuse puzzles and relatively little gameplay strung between FMV scenes. Pandora was great though; a first-person 3D game with loads of old-school adventure aspects, as well as FMV, it was a noir-tinged detective story but set in the future. The Tex Murphy series (of which this was the fourth instalment) has had sequels – the most recent one was sadly cancelled only this year – but many other games of a similar ilk, such as Phantasmagoria and even Wing Commander – have fallen by the wayside. With in-engine graphics now allowing the fluidity and expression of cinematic renders of old, shooting movie inserts doesn’t seem like it’s worthwhile; but I still always loved a point-and-click game that featured digitised actors milling about. Toonstruck, anyone?

Marathon (1994): before Halo there was… Marathon! Back when I used to lug my Pentium round my mate’s house so we could play different games on different machines side-by-side, he’d bang on about this Mac-first series of games, like Doom but better, with an intricate plot and complex levels. And y’know what? He was actually onto something. There’s a style and an earnestness to the Marathon franchise, along with many concepts that would be refined in Halo years later. With Bungie now seemingly committed to Destiny, and Halo in Microsoft’s hands, I’m not sure what could possibly become of this, their forgotten FPS forebear, especially as it shares so much DNA with its offspring.  

Outlaws (1997): LucasArts are famous for two things, really: their Star Wars games and their adventures. But they made loads of other stuff too – including this intriguing Western shoot-em-up. Back when Western games were rarer than Western movies (which were rare at the time), this quirky and difficult cowboy-em-up saw you rounding up outlaws in typical oater locations such as saloons, trains, and mines. It had great music and a really intriguing set of weapons, including (don’t quote me on this) the first sniper rifle in a game. Sadly Outlaws’ success could be described as “cult” and it never got a proper sequel. and, weirdly, despite the success of Red Dead Redemption, we’ve never had a bit Western-themed FPS again. Which is really odd.

Soldier of Fortune (2000): I pondered whether to include this one, as if I’m honest I’m not sure I want this licence brought back. But I can’t deny the game was a huge deal and has seemingly been forgotten. A relatively gritty and realistic combat game with a huge variety of excellent real-world weaponry, its big hook was its incredibly detailed damage modelling, that could see you blowing limbs off enemies, or splitting open heads, or disembowelling them. Whilst its OTT violence made headlines, the granularity of its systems meant you could be more tactical, shooting weapons out of hands. But really its biggest controversy should be its association with a big old gun magazine.

There are many, many other games that nearly made the list - I almost had a Top Ten of just FPS games, for instance. Little Big Adventure was here, till a sequel was announced the other day. Hexen and Heretic I think still have a place in FPS history. Toonstruck, although without a sequel, was only really a cult hit at the time, and I feel the people who’d love it already know about it. I do tend to overthink these things, y’know.

So maybe not all of these could make a comeback, but all the same I don’t think they should be forgotten, and it does make we wonder what games will fall by the wayside twenty or more years from now. That game about the big green space marine dude in a mask – what was that called again…?

[firelily13]

Prompt 1: Ring

In an attempt to be more consistent for inktober I've decided that rather than draw something I'm going to write a thing every day (well attempt) using the same prompts. So here is a short little Naruto fic, because I’m back on that shit again.

It was a simple little thing. Nothing like what the women paraded around the village wearing, with diamonds or other gems set into expensive metals, some with filigree or engravings so small no one would see. No, this was a simple iron band, no decoration or jewels, just dark, smooth polished metal. It was like Iruka in a way, not flashy or flimsy but reliable and strong. Yes, Iruka was like iron, Kakashi decided as he examined the small black velvet box in his hands.

It was their anniversary. They had been married a year and Kakashi was determined to make it special. He had planned the entire night; he would pick Iruka up from the academy, they would stop for ramen at Ichiraku’s then they take the long way home, through the park where the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. And once they were home, he would present the ring and shower his beloved with all the affection in the world.

“Good evening, sensei,” Kakashi said, perched in Iruka's office window.

“Kakashi?! Don’t you have a village to run?” Iruka teased spinning around in his chair to face his husband. The late afternoon sun was streaming through the now vacant window, catching in Iruka’s deep brown hair. His eyes were tired but they still held the same glimmer of mischief and fire that Kakashi adored. For all the trouble it had caused him, it was moments like these, when Iruka looked like he did then, that Kakashi wished he still possessed the Sharingan.

“Maa, I think Shikamaru can handle things for one night. Now, how about you and I get out of here?” Kakashi whispered seductively as he placed his forehead on Iruka’s, his hands on either arm of his chair.

“I would be a fool to refuse,” Iruka said brushing his fingers across Kakashi's hand as he stood, “I have to lock up. Meet you down stairs?”

“Don’t take too long, sensei.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“So what did you have planned for tonight?” Iruka asked as they walked through the streets, fingers laced together.

“Well I thought we could get ramen at Ichiraku’s, then take the long way home through the park.”

Iruka leaned into Kakashi’s shoulder as they walked. He smiled softly, gazing up at his husband. He wondered if we would ever get used to that term, husband. Despite being married for a year, Iruka was still in awe of the word. Every time he said it, it felt new and exhilarating and he hoped that feeling never went away.

“So you were able to convince Shikamaru to clear your schedule for the day?” Iruka asked in disbelief as they strolled through the park after dinner. The sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon, casting long, dancing shadows on the ground. The early spring breeze sent soft pink flowers cascading down from the trees creating an almost snowlike effect.

“I can be very convincing, thank you very much. Besides I’ve been planning this for awhile now. And it’s not terribly difficult to schedule meetings around a specific event.”

“What about all the paperwork? The council won’t be pleased to know their Hokage is shirking his duties.”

“This is our anniversary. Paperwork, meetings, the council, they can all wait, love.”

Iruka blushed, nervously rubbing the scar on his nose. It was a habit Iruka had, a habit Kakashi found so incredibly adorable that he often forgot to breathe. Kakashi snaked his arm around Iruka’s waist, pulling him closer as they continued home.

“It’ll all be there tomorrow. For now, let’s just enjoy this reprieve.”

“Ok,” Iruka said, barely above a whisper.

Once they were through the threshold of their shared dwelling, Iruka immediately discarded his shoes and flak vest by the door. Kakashi followed closely behind, the mask that normally covered his face pulled down, flak vest tossed next to Iruka’s.

Iruka melted into the sofa, a tired smile pulling on his features. Kakashi followed suit, taking a spot next to his husband, pulling him into his arms, placing soft kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

“I had a really nice time,” Iruka muttered, his eyes drifting shut as he basked in the comfort of Kakashi’s embrace.

“Good,” Kakashi shifted, digging in his pocket for the small velvet box. “Hey, open your eyes.”

Iruka forced his eyes open, glancing between Kakashi and the box in his hand.

“Kakashi, what is this?”

“Open it and find out.”

Iruka took the box, gingerly running his fingers over the plush outside, “You do know we’re already married, right?”

Kakashi chuckled, “I know, but I didn’t get you a ring.”

Iruka opened the box revealing the plain, polished iron ring.

“I know it’s not much, but I saw it and I thought of you.”

Iruka furiously wiped away the tears that had begun to fall, “It’s perfect… But I didn’t get you anything.”

“Just having you here with me is more than enough.”

“I love you,” Iruka said breathlessly, taking Kakashi’s face in his hands.

“I love you too.”

[mokkoriness]

ROCK AND READ vol. 73 - Saga Interview

Photo credit: ROCK AND READ Twitter

On May 27, Saga uploaded a music video to Twitter without warning. It was the "Yukue Shirezu" music video for VOLLAND GUMP, his solo project which he had worked on, without revealing that it was him, while activities as a band had stopped. "Everything is connected". Saga, who says that they found the ideal way for the band to be through leaving the management company they belonged to for many years, re-starting activities as A9, and "IDEAL", the album that was released after having gone back to their roots. He talks about the "now" of A9, who are dashing towards their 13th year anniversary, and his rock and carefree solo work.

So it seems like for this photoshoot, upon your request, you were wrapped in bandages.

Saga: Yes, because to date, I've done quite a lot of things. Won't people not take a look at my section if there isn't anything to make them go "Huh?!". So even though it might be late, I thought to wrap myself in bandages. It's my first time wearing bandages.

Are the bandages wrapped over your naked body?

Saga: I'm not wearing anything on my upper half. Please relax, I am wearing something on my lower half.

(laughs). Even though you just celebrated your birthday (Interview was done in late June), you are still doing this sort of thing (laughs).

Saga: That's right. Even with my birthday, for several years now, I didn't feel happy celebrating it. But for some reason, I felt glad this year. I felt blissful.

Your birthday this year was celebrated with a live show in your hometown, right?

Saga: Yes. This year, I celebrated it in the place I was born. As expected, it was different. The mood. We arrived the day before, and on that night, the members threw a birthday party for me in Kooriyama. For me, that is where my birthday live started.

Does A9 always hold birthday parties?

Saga: For a long time now, we've always done something. Honestly, on that day, I had to do pre-production for a coupling song on the new single. So at the hotel, when I had turned on my computer and was getting ready to work, all of a sudden, they called me out, saying "Let's go out for a drink now!". I said that I'll go meet them in 20 minutes. While thinking "Is it okay to not do the pre-production?", they took me to a Japanese bar. The boss of Kooriyama Hip Shot and even the lighting staff was there, so that's when my feelings had changed, and I thought that it was a good thing I came. I had fun drinking that night.

Did you get any presents from the members?

Saga: I did. I got an Apple TV.

Do you give presents to each other every year?

Saga: If we don't forget. I think a good thing (about A9) is that we properly do this sort of thing. If I were the leader, we definitely wouldn't be doing these things (laughs). Immediately, I would be like "This is a pain in the ass", and distance the members even more. I think a good thing about A9 is that the members are close.

If you were the leader of a band, it wouldn't be like this.

Saga: I don't think it would. I'm AB-type1, so I have my own territory. There's a line that I don't cross. But after 13 years, that line has been infringed upon...... Like having my parent's home exposed.

Huh? What do you mean by that?! Isn't that infringing on you too much?

Saga: It is. On Nico Nico, we used to do a show called "Alice9 Channel". On that show, without me knowing it, they exposed my parent's house. When I saw the footage, he laid on my mum's lap (laughs). And he also took a bath there. He laid on my mum's lap, took a bath, and ate pizza.

He really infringed upon your territory.

Saga: Yes. That's why I got my revenge. I secretly went to Tora's parent's house. I ate the curry that Tora's mum made. Ever since doing that kind of thing, it's been impossible to say things like "This is my territory in the band, so don't come here".

So perhaps you think it is what it is, because they're your fellow members now?

Saga: Perhaps I think it is what it is because since my 20s, I've been running forward with them and spent emotional times together with them. I think that it a big part of it. Also, A9 falls on hard times at just the right moments. Oddly enough, when that kind of thing happens, it's not a time for us where we start fighting. The moments where things won't work out if we don't work hard together comes upon us time and time again. That's why we all get along well. Or rather, we are in unity.

So you fall on tough times at just the right moment.

Saga: That's right. In general, it happens every two years. Bothersome things or big incidents.

So what would be the real strength of A9, who can overcome these difficulties each and every time?

Saga: It would be because we are blessed. I can only think that we have good luck. When we are at times when it really seems like too much, there is always someone there to save us.

Do you mean that someone like a saviour appears?

Saga: Yes. To be honest, we would definitely have not been able to overcome these difficulties just with our own strength. At each every one of those times, there is someone there supporting us. Sometimes us members even talk about it, that we have good luck. That's why when the difficulties have passed, I can think of it as a good thing. I think that including all the tough times we've had up until now, it is all connected for us to be here now.  When things don't go well, we can learn from it and grow. Even as a person, I'm not quite sure why, but I feel like I've gotten more capable. So when bad times come, we face the problem without panicking in a manner that suits the occasion.

I felt that the response to A9's first full album "IDEAL", which was worked on concurrently with such rough times, and the tour in conjunction with that, "IDEAL HORIZON", were both something that made the fans extremely happy, like "This is what A9 is!".

Saga: To put it another way, I thought that we had put something out where nothing could be done if it wasn't received well. So I was confident that it would be received well. Because the goal we have as a band is even further beyond that. With that considered, it wasn't a time for us to take a gamble. We all thought it was a time where we should just put out something that was simply good, something that was A9.

So that's why I got the impression that a lot of former fans came back.

Saga: Oh, many people have told us that, that they had recently drifted away but then came back. It makes me happy. But we could only have done that sort of thing now.

Why now?

Saga: We have a route, after all. I think that if it weren't for the 12th anniversary live where we went back to our roots, we would not have been able to do a tour like "IDEAL HORIZON". Before that, last year, we made "LIGHT AND DARKNESS". I think that we were able to return to our roots only after having done the "TRUTH IN LIGHT AND DARKNESS" tour. In that way, everything is connected. After going from one place to the next, it turned out like this. So it's not something that you can aim to do. We have always chosen the path where we think "We can only do this right now".

And what you can only do now is this release, where the members wrote the same amount of songs.

Saga: That was, if I do say so myself, a success. For our band, it wouldn't be enough if I were to just write plenty of songs on my own and tried to write songs in different genres. This is something that I had thought before making the album. In our early days, we all wrote songs in a balanced way. So in that case, I was free to do any bass arrangement I wanted, and thought the fans would find it more interesting to listen to that sort of album.

To date, with you taking the initiative in terms of the music, did the other members come to write songs less?

Saga: I don't know about that. Everyone does write songs, but there is a tendency for me to arbitrarily narrow down the selection. In my mind, I think "This song is not quite right".

When did this start?

Saga: Quite a long time ago, since around "VANDALIZE". But I've gotten tired of doing things that way. I've come to understand that this is not necessarily something that is good for the band. In A9, there can be no chemical reaction if the personality and musicianship of the five of us is not balanced.

Yes! That is exactly right.

Saga: I thought this around the time before we made "MEMENTO". After all, the people that like us want the see this balance.

When there is that balance, the band shines brightly.

Saga: That's right. No matter what kind of excellent music, detailed arrangement, or good sounds we perform with, that is not the scene that people want to see with A9. That is not the biggest weapon we have in our arsenal. In the end, I think that what everyone wants to see is the five of us doing something. In that way, we are like SMAP (laughs).

Just like SMAP, people want to see all five of you shining.

Saga: That's right. Even if only Takuya Kimura were to shine, the SMAP fans would think "This is not right". I think the same applies to us.

What made you realize that?

Saga: For example, when you look at the songs that our fans want to hear, it's all songs that are different from the songs the members are pushing. To us, we're like "You want to hear that song?".

There is mismatch between the songs the members like and the songs the fans like.

Saga: The mismatch was huge. Of course, there were also fans where there was no mismatch. Somehow, for me, I felt discomfort at that mismatch, and thought that we couldn't let it continue. So once again, when I thought about what it is that the ship called A9 wants to ultimately do, I thought that it would be pointless if the band wasn't shining. It's not that one member of the band is cool, it's that all five of us have to be cool. At that time, I realised that sometimes, the fans look at us from an angle that we can't even imagine. They look at the parts of us that are cool and that we don't even notice.

The fans knew of the different types of cool you can be.

Saga: I learned that fans have things that they are particular about, and there are as many favourite angles and many viewpoints as there are fans. So I reached the conclusion that if the five of us shine the most when we are united, then no matter what angle they look at us from, we would be cool.

Until then, it was as if for the music side, you were like "Now we're going to wear mode clothing and show this to everyone. Does it look good?". It's like you were coordinating what A9 would do.

Saga: When you do that and wear the clothes you like, even if people on one side thought it looked very cool, the people on the other side would be like "What's that? It doesn't look good at all". That's why the songs (that people want to hear) are always completely different from my own expectations. Since that mismatch kept getting wider and wider, I realised that it couldn't keep on going like this. That's why for the album "IDEAL", as a result of creating the album with the concept that it had to be something the five of us were involved in, it turned out the way it did.

In that respect, you were able to make something where there was no mismatch between the band and the fans.

Saga: That's right. Even on tour, the members were really liberated. From my position as the bassist, I saw the members performing really energetically.

In actuality, the fans were also happy, saying that on the tour, it had been a long time since they saw a live where the five of you were shining brightly.

Saga: That's right. To me, that's why made me the happiest. I really do think it was a good thing we did that.

So with that momentum, you will be releasing the new single "Re:Born" and rushing towards your 13th anniversary live.

Saga: First of all, regarding the 13th anniversary live, Show had said that our next stage costumes would be red. Then, when we were discussing what to do for the next single, since "MEMENTO" and "IDEAL" had a heavy feeling to it, there were concerns that if we kept going down that road for the next single, then we would be seen as that kind of band, so we talked about departing from that style and making a cheerful song. So I wrote the song. Then after that, there was the opinion that since people are saying that our style now is good, we should keep on going with that style (laughs). It makes you think "Don't screw with me!" (laughs).

That is quite cruel.

Saga: So we had a meeting. We were able to find balance by first showing the cheerful side and then not a cheerful side.

And the cheerful song that you wrote is "Re:Born"?

Saga: Yes.

It's not often that you write a cheerful song.

Saga: That's right, because I'm not good at writing cheerful songs. I'm not good at it, but I can't just leave it at that. If you only use cheerful chords, it's quite disgusting, so I tried to use as many minor chords as I could. As a result, it's a song that has quite a lot of changes. There's even a part where it's like Show is reading poetry. It's a confusing song (laughs). I hope that it's a song that sits well once we try playing it live.

So it's not a song that's straight up cheerful.

Saga: It's not. I can't write a song that is straight up cheerful. There is a part of me that stops me from doing so. Since it's cheerful, I have to do something weird with it. Something inside of me just makes me do that. I'm scared of it, like "Is it okay to write a cheerful song?". You need quite a lot of courage to release a cheerful song in this scene.

Is that so? You need courage?

Saga: At least I do. A part of me does not want to be seen as a cheerful band. I think there is a huge part of my subconscious that would hate it if we released a cheerful song as a single and people who listened it would say or think "They're a cheerful band". I don't like "cheerfulness that is easy to understand".

But if we had to say if A9 were a cheerful or gloomy band, then--

Saga: We're a cheerful and. But we're a "cheerful band" after having done many things, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. But personally, I am really against releasing a cheerful song as the lead track on a single. That's why naturally, we do many things with "Re:Born".

I see. And Tora was the director for the "Re:Born" music video, right?

Saga: Yes. It was great. It was so good there virtually weren't any unusable scenes. During the shoot, Tora took out his own phone and recorded my scenes, while saying "Cool" and "That was good~". That kind of thing has never happened before, I thought "It's going to start snowing" (laughs). I guess his senses would change now that he is directing.

But I was surprised that that kind of creative side was inside of Tora.

Saga: Tora is the type of person to see to the very bottom of things without rest regarding the things he likes, and the same goes with making videos. If the members can skillfully control that, then he is like a worker ant.

That is the user manual for Tora.

Saga: Yes (laughs). If you handle him in the wrong way, he just ends up being a guy who only drinks.

That's certainly true (laughs). And as for you, activities as the Chairman of the "Nose Mountain Club" are livening up.

Saga: That's right. I am deepening my social network.

How did that club start?

Saga: I've been curious for a long time now. I've arbitrarily thought "This person has a high nose bridge. I somehow feel some affinity with them". When I tweeted "I wonder what it would be like if such people came together and took a photo?", the fans reacted. And even the people themselves reacted to it. I was happy that they had interacted with me, and also a guy who had the look on his face that they also wanted to join the club appeared (laughs). There are actually more than I thought. If we can find a drummer, then we can put on a live show.

Isn't that amazing? The Nose Mountain Club.

Saga: Some fans even sent me information about a drummer with a high nose bridge, but that person turned out to be YOSHIKI (laughs). Isn't that just impossible, no matter how you look at it? So we are desperately looking for drummers! With a high nose bridge. If you find one, please let me know on Twitter (laughs).

Weren't you originally a person that didn't interact with people from outside your inner circle? But when it comes to the Nose Mountain Club, why are you so social?

Saga: I wonder why. Lately, I've been really popular among males. Even though I'm really unsocial, I've heard from people things like "That guy really likes Saga". Both my seniors an juniors. Encouraged by that, I've gradually become more social, like "I guess I will go talk to him then".

Wow! You go up and talk to them?

Saga: Only sometimes (laughs). Some time ago, Pentagon's Minpha...... Ah, but I couldn't approach him. One of the members had said to him "Saga wants to take a photo with you". It was kind of like a middle-schooler confessing to someone. Minpha came to me, as if he was summoned by his senior, and took a photo with me. He was a little embarrassed (laughs). So it's been gradual, but I've come to be more sociable. Usually, I'm not social at all. But everyone is nice. When we play to two-man shows or events, there are many nice seniors and well-mannered juniors, so I thought that I couldn't be unsociable. I came to think that I had to be more sociable. Some time ago, when we did a two-man show at Kooriyama, since the dressing room at Hip Shot is tiny, we rented a part of the dressing room at Club #9. On that day, Takuto Nakajima was doing a live there. It seems like he knew that we were using the dressing room. When I went there, he left a note on the table that said "Happy birthday, Saga".

Wow!! That's wonderful!

Saga: It's too wonderful. He's a real veteran. It made me wonder why he can just casually do these things. As expected, most of the veterans are really wonderful people. They're very nice. It made me want to be that kind of senior too.

While becoming more sociable and going out in the world as a musician, the other day, on your own Twitter account, without any hesitation, you publicly announced the "Yukue Shirezu" video for VOLLAND GUMP, your solo project which up until then, you had not publicly announced. It was so sudden, I was a little surprised.

Saga: Ah~. It was uploaded out of the blue. That was a song that I had secretly written two years ago. Two years ago was just the time when the band was not active, and I had nothing to do. So I thought about doing that kind of thing. To me, it felt natural. It didn't feel like I was taking on the challenge of doing it. Originally, I wanted to be a singer-songwriter, so rather than it being a bassist trying to sing, it felt like I was able to express the person that I had originally wanted to be, and it came really naturally. I pretty much played all the instruments in that song!

You even played the drums?

Saga: I got someone called Tsuyoshi Ratatouille (actually Nao) to play the drums (laughs). Apart from that, I played every instrument. I recorded it all at home.

And you also demo'd the song?

Saga: I had written the song some time ago, since when I was a high school student. Even though I thought that the song would never be released, since I had time, I thought about making it into a song, so when I worked on it at home, it turned out pretty good. So that's why I like the song. Since it's a song I freely made.

Did you not feel like doing that song with A9?

Saga: I didn't. It were to be done through the filter of A9, it would not have turned out that way. I'm sure that there are some fans who think that I should have done this song as A9, but by doing the song as a band, the melody changes. Also, A9 has two guitarists, and we arrange the songs with a heavy focus on Hiroto and Tora. If I were to write the song imagining how they would play it live, the guitar would be completely different. And if that is the case, then it wouldn't be the kind of tune and melody that I would do as a solo artist. But since it is my solo after all, it turned out that way.

I see. So what was the reason behind you disclosing that you were VOLLAND GUMP?

Saga: I thought about saying nothing about it and doing it secretly, but...... The reason why I did it in secret was because this part of me was gradually becoming weaker. I felt a sense of discomfort at the thought of fans buying the CD, even though it's not Visual-kei music, just because I made it. That's why I didn't say anything about it at first.

Oh. Fans would want to buy it if they knew it was you.

Saga: They probably would, and won't other people see it as more like "A9's Saga tried singing"? I didn't want it to be thought of that way, so I did it in secret. But my feelings changed to one where I didn't care what people thought. However, I really don't think of it as something I would make a business out of. I don't mind even handing it out for free. Because it's not something that I think has the value to be sold.

So it's more like you were sharing something that you freely made and had people listen to it, like "Please take a listen".

Saga: Yeah. It really was like that. That's why I made it so that you could listen to the full thing for free. And if you listened to it and liked it, you could also buy it.

What does "VOLLAND GUMP" mean?

Saga: I combined the names of the main chracter from two of my favourite movies: The music teacher Mr Holland from "Mr. Holland's Opus" and Gump from "Forrest Gump". Gump is a person that lives off his instincts quite a lot, and I do look up to him. With the feelings that that is the form that I want my music to have, I chose that name.

Do you have any other songs?

Saga: I still have a lot more songs apart from this one that I haven't released. I have about 30 songs. Because I have to sing those songs. I mean, I am the one who understands the song the most. So I want to give shape to it.

Do many of the songs solitary and a North European feel to them?

Saga: It's varied. There are also bright songs. I've always liked the shamisen. I really like Tsugaru-jamisen.

How did you come to like it?

Saga: What was it...... It was much earlier than the Yoshida Brothers, but it wasn't Fuyumi Sakamoto. Who was it? It was an enka singer, and the prelude to their song was tsugaru-jamisen, and it was really cool ("Come Home" by Kazuko Matsumura). It was really cool. So cool that I thought "A guitar couldn't beat this". It felt like that coolness could only be got with the shamisen, so ever since then, when I've got nothing to do, I was videos of shamisen playing on YouTube. At home, I would imitate the playing style of the shamisen on the guitar or bass. When I did that, I thought "Oh! This is pretty cool". And that phrase I played with the guitar--

Is in VOLLAND GUMP's "Sayonara Rosalia"?

Saga: That's right! I still have many of these shamisen-like phrases. I've not used them even once in A9 songs, but I actually have a lot of them. Personally, it's those phrases that are the most rock-like.

Huh? Really?

Saga: Yeah. The rock music I make = shamisen-like phrases. They are phrases that I can be confident in saying "Only I can make this phrase". So no matter how many times I listen to it t home, I think that it's really good. I really do think that only I can make this kind of phrase. For this phrase, I played it on the guitar only with downpicking. In the same way a shamisen is played.

That's why the guitar sounds so percussive.

Saga: That's what's so good about it! It's rock. Even just playing it gets me fired up. I have about 10 songs in that style. I really like the phrasing in the introduction of "Sayonara Rosalia". I still have plenty more amazing things! I even have a song in this kind of style that is 10 minutes long.

You should put them out into the world.

Saga: Rather than it wanting to sell well, I want people to listen to it.

When you performed a VOLLAND GUMP song as "THE ALTERNATIVE" with Nao, while singing, do you play the bass or guitar?

Saga: I sang while playing the guitar. Although performing in front of fans, they would say "Saga is standing in the center playing a guitar and singing~", won't a person who knows nothing about me not react in that way? Because they would think it's normal. That's the way I actually wanted to present my songs. But I don't care about that anymore.

So you should release an album.

Saga: I will. Since I have completed songs. All I have to do is write lyrics.

Will this be done concurrently with A9's activities?

Saga: That's right. But I don't want to get in the way of A9's activities. I hope I can release the solo album by the end of the year while doing A9 activities. I want to release the fruits of my labour.

The fruits of your creative activities.

Saga: Yes. Since that is the only place where I can present 100% of myself. For A9, don't we have to think about how to not let this ship that we're all riding sink, and have to move it towards our destination? That's why the simple attitude of just making anything won't work. But for VOLLAND GUMP, there is nothing riding on this, so I can take it easy, like an amoeba drifting in the ocean.

You should also make some songs for the Nose Mountain Club! Since you're the one who suggested it, you need become more sociable to bring the people together and lead them, or else nothing will happen.

Saga: That's right. Please put an ad in ROCK AND READ too, saying "Looking for drummers with a high nose bridge" (laughs).

Since A9 is doing well, your extracurricular activities must be fun.

Saga: That's right. It would have been great if it were like this from the beginning, but there are many setbacks in life. The same goes for bands. But we have to use that as motivation. If not, we can only live an unfortunate life. If we use it as motivation, when things go your way even in the slightest, you'll be able to think "I'm so happy". So to those people who think their life is a mess right now, please use that as motivation.

Where did that mature life advice come from?

Saga: The fans have it tough too, you know? There are also some fans from the generation that says "It's tough giving care to my mother, so seeing Saga is the only bright spot in my life". That's real.

Of the fans supporting you, there are some fans in that generation?

Saga: That's right. And fans that were once elementary school students now have kids. Hearing that, I feel that even more so, I have to support the fans with all my strength as A9's Saga.

You've become a little more sociable, and it seems like you are becoming a more dependable person.

Saga: I'll keep working hard!

1 In Japan, some people believe that different blood types have different personality traits.

[queen-scribbles]

Ritual

@pillarspromptsweekly fill 94: In Memorium. I wound up using Charity, since I”ve already done a similar fic for Tavi, and Emiri doesn’t really remember her family enough. Plus, y’know, I’m still giddy I get to write married!Ederity, even if it’s a less fluffy subject than usual.

                                             -----------------------------

She wished she could forget what today was.

But considering she was awake hours before sunrise and it was already all she could think about, Charity didn’t figure there were good odds on forgetting. Maybe that was a good thing, she mused, rubbing her face with one hand. Guilt still prickled, much like the tingling in the arm trapped under her sleeping husband, even years later.

She needed to pray. And while she wasn’t really worried about waking Edér--the man slept like a log--she did want to do so alone. So she gently extricated her arm from under him and rolled out of bed. Her hair went up in a hasty bun, messy and likely full of knots, and she pulled on the first clothes she could reach. No shoes; it was still warm enough and it felt right to be barefoot for this.

Sparrow mroawed softly, twining between her ankles, and Charity picked her up. “You wanna come with me?”

Mrrrrrr

“Well, alright. But you’ll have to stay away from the candles.” Cat in hand, Charity slipped from the bedroom and padded out to the chapel.

                                              -o-   -o-    -o-

She sat there for hours, the ache in her chest steadily growing the more the sky tinged pink and gold with approaching dawn. Losing a sister was bad enough. Feeling responsible for that loss kept the pain fresh significantly longer. Charity leaned forward to confirm the sun was fully over the horizon.

She hugged her knees into her chest, vaguely felt the aches that came with sitting on the floor, and pulled in a shaky breath. It was time.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, throat already tight. “Sorry I couldn’t help, sorry I didn’t know more.” Just like every year, the memory of rattling, labored breaths going harshly, abruptly silent pressed in, sharp as if it had been yesterday. “I hope...” She sniffled, wiped her nose on her sleeve as her eyes burned. “I hope, if the Wheel’s made ya someone new by now, that you’re happy. I hope Berath granted you that kindness after takin’ you so young.” Damn blight.

Sparrow chose that moment to slink under Charity’s tented knees and headbutt her hand, as if she could sense her distress. Charity smiled faintly and scritched between her calico’s ears. Satisfied she’d done her part, Sparrow laid down, tail lazily curling and uncurling in the sunlight stripes decorating the floor.

Grateful as she was for her cat’s intervention, the melancholy still lingered. If this year followed the pattern, that ache would stay til she went to bed. After seventeen years, she was used to it. Few more minutes, then I go about  my day... She had a lot to do, and while it wouldn’t entirely distract her, it would help.

The chapel door creaked softly as it opened--they’d need to fix that before it got too cold--and the muted sound of booted footsteps carried someone closer.

“Char?” The concern in Edér’s voice was obvious. “What’s wrong?”

She tried to surreptitiously wipe her eyes before he reached her so he didn’t get the wrong idea. “Nothin’s really wrong....”

He scoffed quietly. “Am I really s’pposed to believe that when you’re sittin’ on the chapel floor barefoot an’ lookin’ like you been cryin’ this early in the mornin’?”

He had a point. “It’s not...” How did she explain this little ritual of hers? “It’s an old wound that hurts worse one day a year.”

Edér chuckled and offered her his hand. “Got a couple of those m’self, darlin’. Whenever you’re ready to stop bein’ cryptic, I’m here for ya.”

Another good point. He was just full of them this morning. Charity smiled wryly as she accepted the hand up. If she could be open with anyone about this, it would be him. She let him haul her upright, careful not to step on Sparrow, and leaned instinctively into the hug she knew he was going to offer. “’Member my sister?”

His breath caught and the hand rubbing her back paused ever so briefly. “Is this...?”

She nodded against his shirt. “The anniversary. Yeah.”

Edér was quiet for a long moment, just holding her and rubbing her back. “...You wanna talk about her?”

That’s never been part of the ritual, a piece of her immediately protested. But she’d never been married for this day, either. Things changed. She nodded against his shirt again, and Edér gently tugged her toward a proper seat.

“Alright, then,” he said encouragingly. “What was her name? What was she like?”

“Saela,” Charity replied with a shaky smile. One hand reached for her necklace, zipping the pendent back and forth on the chain. “She was outgoing and adventurous and always so, so happy.” She snorted softly. “Our parents named her well. She liked to stick fight with the boy next door, wore trousers under her dresses, ‘cause she liked dresses but they didn’t work so well for climbin’ trees an’ such. Ma used to say she had a smile so sunny it must’ve been blessed by Eothas himself.”

“Sounds like a good kid,” Edér commented, reaching for her hand to intertwine their fingers.

“She also hated vegetable,” Charity said with a laugh. She hadn’t talked about Saela in ages. It felt good to share stories with someone. “Which I guess is normal. An’ fruit, which is less normal. Our mom had to get really tricky for her to eat anything with either in it. And she sometimes would wander off to have adventures when she was s’pposed to be helpin’ Papa with the vorlas.” Not for the first time, the thought floated through her mind: Maybe if she’d had more adventures and picked less vorlas she’d still be alive. She squeezed Edér’s hand appreciatively. “I use’ta get so mad at her for that, ‘cause the worst she ever got was a scoldin’ no mater how many times she did it. ‘Course when she got sick I found myself wishin’ she’d run off one more time; maybe if she hadn’t been around s’much vorlas she wouldn’t’ve caught the... the sickness.”

Edér winced. “Effigy’s eyes, Char, she got that?” He pulled her closer to wrap his other arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, darlin’. We heard about that... plague or whatever you’d call it, down here. Sounded blazin’ nasty.”

“It was,” she said softly. “An’ see, I’d been apprenticin’ with this traveling healer who would visit smaller towns for a stretch t’ help with ailments an’ injuries an’ such, but he’d moved on when that swept through. So there I was, fourteen years old, an’ scramblin’ to help my baby sister with two measly years of apprenticeship under my belt.  I knew how to treat symptoms; what to brew as a tea t’ help her breathing, or what would dull aches an’ soothe her fever. But I didn’t know how to treat the root of it ‘sides pray and hope for a blazin’ miracle.” She sniffled at the memory, curled in closer to Edér’s side. “So all I could do for Saela was make her comfortable and sit there. Watch her get weaker and weaker, listen to her cough get worse and worse ‘til she could barely breathe.

“That last night, I think part of me knew.” He voice went flat; reciting facts she wanted to share with him but gating off emotions that still hurt. “I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but somethin’ wouldn’t let me sleep. I tried everything one last time. Prayer, every medicinal concoction I knew that might help... but none of it did.” She had to compose herself as the memory of that horrible frozen moment of silence hit, the sluggish heartbeats before Ma wailed and Papa cursed and her family plunged headlong into the darkest year of their lives. Edér, bless him, didn’t rush her.  “So every year I sit that last vigil to remember her. To pray that if she’s done her turn on the Wheel, whoever she is now is happy. And to... apologize.”

“What for?” Edér protested, indignant on her behalf. “That blight was th’ worst thing to hit this side a’ the ocean for the past hundred years. From what I heard, healers an’ priests with decades of practice under their belts couldn’t always cure it. Whadda you have to apologize for?”

Charity shrugged. “She was my sister and she died. The lady next farm over came down with it, too, and I gave her son some advice which I guess he used an’ she pulled through. But not Saela. Couldn’t... couldn’t save her.” Her thumb rubbed futilely across her palm, missing the long-lost worry stone that had served as a reminder of her sister. The words had come out more bitter and woeful than she really felt, but this day was always hard on her nerves. “I know it ain’t really my fault, but...” She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder.  “I think it’s only natural for kith to blame ourselves for things like that.”

“True,” Edér conceded, his thumb absently rubbing over her knuckles. “Gods know how many damn times I’ve wondered what mighta been different if I’d gone with Woden. Maybe nothin’. Maybe he’d still be alive. Maybe I’d be dead, too.”

“Well, I’m glad that didn’t happen,” Charity said lightly, trying to fight the deep-seated melancholy.

Edér chuckled. “So’m I. Missin’ ‘em’s all well and good, wonderin’ a little’s no harm, just don’t wallow in it.” He kissed her temple. “That don’t lead nowhere good.”

Trust him to worry about her. It made her smile, just a little. “I know,” she promised. “No wallowing, trust me. It’s just hard losing family, and that never goes completely away.”

“Is that why you made yourself so busy today? I know you’ve got a lot on your plate.”

“You’re smarter’n you look,” Charity teased, which earned a mild ‘hey now’ of protest from her husband. “That’s exactly why. And speakin’ of my schedule, we better go eat breakfast if we wanna have it together before I get to things. An’ don’t you need to get to wok?”

“Now that I’m sure everything’s alright--so to speak--with my wife, I prob’ly should,” he acknowledged with a laugh. “But breakfast first.”

“Breakfast first,” Charity agreed, stealing a kiss before she pushed to her feet.

Edér stood as well, wrapping his arm around her shoulders again as they headed back to the house. Charity found herself silently leaning into the support he offered. She might not be able to forget what today was, but having him to lean on would make it easier to handle.

------------------------

Saela is a Nordic name that should be pronounced “Sy-lah”(rhymes with Lila), but I think with Eoran pronunciation rules it would be said “Say-lah”, so whichever of the two you pick is fine, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It means happiness or bliss, to go with Charity’s birth name of Jara(should be said “Yara”) which means honeycomb or spring. Clearly their parents were very happy in Readceras.