#this entire year i've been forced to relive past trauma -> which i'd been able to finally process but it doesn't involve just me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

strozzaprete · 2 years

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not to be morbid on main but my life is so strange every day i'm fighting with my inner suicidal child trying to convince her to stay alive out of spite for our enemies

#this entire year i've been forced to relive past trauma -> which i'd been able to finally process but it doesn't involve just me #so basically i processed it but my family hasn't and they keep putting the blame on me for everything and guilting me for it #even though i was a literal child. in short the fact that i ''acted out'' by running away from abusive situations was and still is worse #than the actual abusive situations i was put in. as a child.#so like... i can forgive and understand and empathize with my past self at last (instead of feeling suicidal like i did for years)#but if nobody else in my close family circle does then i have to essentially stay strong and remind myself that they're wrong #point is that when i was 11-12 i would react to the emotional and physical abuse by basically putting myself in dangerous situations #and attempting suicide a couple of times lmao. staring at the train tracks every other day #because the fact that they beat me was NORMAL for me (my mom told me that i was 2 the first time my dad hit me)#and they were acting like i was (i quote) ''bipolar'' and mentally ill and acting out out of nowhere and i couldn't fully understand why #i was doing certain things at the time. so i put the entirety of the ''blame'' on myself. and later on my mom would make me feel guilty #about it for a decade to win arguments -> which almost every time start with her gaslighting me until i start crying and yelling so then she #can call me crazy. and she can make ME feel crazy so i won't take her accountable. so she avoids taking responsibility for her actions (past #and present). i finally realized this when i told her that one of the most traumatic events of my life was when she found some smoking #filters in my drawer (she used to go through my stuff all the time) that i was LITERALLY KEEPING FOR A FRIEND and she dragged me out on the #balcony by my hair and beat me. she would beat me in public places all the time to humiliate me. even my school friends remember this #and she said 1) ''it didn't happen'' and 2) ''i don't remember''#so that's that. either i'm crazy and i fabricated the memory out of nowhere... or she's not taking responsibility for her actions.#and like... I KNOW it happened. but i'm very sensitive to gaslighting (as she does this all the time about other things as well)#and sometimes i literally have to hug myself and rock back and forth and essentially try to convince myself i'm not crazy #that's the situation i'm in rn :) cool #thank god the therapist moved my appointment to tomorrow because i'm about to implode or perhaps ask for money in advance to purchase drugs

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