#this feels weird to actually EXPLAIN publicly but ??? here i am

[usertiff]

i thought you said once you were jewish but you talk only about being indigenous and white?

sorry for the delay in answering this i had to mull over how strange it was at first to have someone like analyzing my ethnicity or remembering aspects LOL but im going to assume possibly you're someone struggling with your own identity or smth??? and answer

but tbh if you're looking for help with rediscovering being jewish, i am not the one to ask and the reason for that will be clear below. if you need help reconnecting to indigeneity however, that's a different story.

long story, bc i weirdly am giving u way too much background info for an anon LMAO but a tldr is included

to begin, my ethnicity is as follows: norwegian, german, chatiks si chatiks, niitsitapi, and well, ashkenazi jewish

so, yes, i'm ethnically ashkenazi jewish on my maternal grandma's side (indigenous on my maternal grandmother's side as well, my great grandma was jewish, my great grandpa indigenous). however, i was not raised with the knowledge of it. i did some digging, talking to my my grandpa, my mom and my aunt's (who knew all along but are gen x'ers and a boomer, and just... didn't really care at all except my mom and one aunt who also felt kind of sad about it), and they all said the same thing: my great-grandma chose to whitewash us (and therefore didn't even tell her kids, including my grandma, until later in life) because her mother and father did as well, for mostly safety reasons, but also fitting in reasons, because where i live was where most germans settled. (like for example, my paternal ancestry is literally just norwegian and german. my dad is half norwegian and german lmao, my paternal grandma immigrated from norway, and my paternal grandfather's was like a 2nd-gen immigrant or smth, they came over quite awhile after my cousins side of the family came over a loooong time ago idfk it's stupid i dont really care about all that.) and it might be silly to some but it was important to my grandparents i guess, especially because one of my grandpa's was a general(??? something???) in ww2.

TLDR anyway, long story short, my grandparents hid who we are, didn't raise their kids as jewish neither in religion nor even by telling them their ethnicity til they were older. SO i don't feel comfortable claiming my jewish ethnicity? like... idk it is weird because since finding out i am jewish, i feel this weird sense of heartbreak that 1. i partially don't know who i am, 2. that my grandparents were so desperate to fit in they literally hid a major part of themselves, 3. i lost out on a lot of culture because they simply chose to omit this part of our lives, idk i could go on???

so while part of me wants to try and reconnect what it means to be jewish, there's another part of me that feels uncomfortable doing so, as if ... idk... like i'm not allowed? it's a much different feeling than being indigenous and reconnecting, especially because i grew up knowing i'm indigenous and already having bits and pieces of that culture.

unnecessary information of me rambling on below

and as for my indigeneity, there wasn't really any hiding the color of my great-grandpa's skin. even as our genes have been passed down through my family, while some of us (me, a few cousins) ended up white as hell (for me it's thanks to my snow-white scandinavian/germanic father) others, such as my sister, have my grandpa's complexion, his eyes, his hair. it's beautiful. it sounds privileged as hell to say this, because i understand i have white privilege to the max, but i am a lil jealous of my sister. she's just so beautiful in my eyes, and really represents the ancestry in my family. it's lovely to me.

anyway, congrats, u have way more info than u needed

[bl3ss3dbyt1amat]

misc bg3 companion hc

this is so much. i have no idea and im also sorry. all of the origin companions included under the cut

astarion:

i feel like he claps funny. like hes clapping but its that specific way thats meant to be like quieter? like clapping on the palm of his hand. this might be projection but i feel like hes also the type of person to do like a little clap or a spin or his trademark ridiculous giggle whenever hes happy.

i think that hes prone to dramatics like. like pretending to fall on the floor and die if you say hes actually not on your mind 24/7. oh whats that? you dont think im the prettiest princess in the entire world? well astarion has dramatically fallen to the floor

in the early game astarion most definitely practiced his lines loudly and publicly (in camp). he cant even see himself in the mirror but hes trying to look all suave and being like "shall i compare thee to a summers night" while lae'zel and shadowheart both shout "NO" from across the camp. (can be interpreted as bloodiedblade/wyllstarion but i think wyll would be amused and even finish the quote).

wyll:

this man is probably good with basic medicines and ill die on this hill. hes got aloe vera type shit on him at all times. sure, hes not a cleric or healer or even a bard, but he'll stay with you and try his damned best to cheer you up when youre hurt or sick.

on a related note i feel like wyll would be absolutely DELIGHTED by a bard tav. he would just be so amused and filled with whimsy. never gonna complain about playing, even if its like 2am. just occasionally putting in song requests. hes so incredibly enthusiastic like spinning tav around like "THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!"

wyll probably keeps houseplants. (minor blazingblade but i feel like karlach would accidentally kill one of the plants and actually begin weeping. once she gets her engine fixed wyll tries to teach her how to garden. this goes weirdly) furthermore i think he like goes around his house like humming merrily and watering his plants and crap

gale:

i dont think hes coordinated at all. like this man is tripping down the stairs on a daily basis. he is dropping his tea, his book, his body, ect. to the point that hes got a habit of just hugging the railing for dear life every time he has to go down a staircase. this made traversing shit like the underdark actually literally horrible. every time he falls karlach is so overly concerned and probably offers to carry him. astarion, to everyones dismay, dies laughing each and every time

pretty sure wyll and shadowheart have a conversation about weird book porn. i am here to say that gale was holding back his power while that conversation happened. gale has read so much book porn and if you knew the real scale of it you would be concerned. tara is concerned at least.

shadowheart:

especially during early game, i feel like shadowheart was literally clenching so hard to avoid admitting cute things were cute. like "oh.. a stray mutt... charming I MEAN IN LIKE A GROSS WAY". she was trying to hard to be all scary and into shar and shit but she just really likes puppies and other animals and crap

if she were modern i feel like she would really like pixar movies (inside out comes to mind for reasons i cannot explain) and wear long jean skirts. i cant explain any of this but it is fact in my mind. even in the bg3 setting i do feel like she would wear very long boxy type skirts. sort of plays into her whole "dark priestess" sort of vibe

shadowheart was sitting in her tent with scissors fucking losing her shit with anxiety trying to cut her own bangs without a mirror. it is a literal miracle from selune that they dont look like complete and total shit. no wonder halsin was surprised. (minor silverheart/shadow'zel: when she first like actually properly noticed what shaodwheart did with her hair, since the initial joke is she cant tell what changed, i think lae'zel was very impressed. she even likened it to like a sort of war paint against shar. also we KNOW lae'zel likes silver)

(can be interpreted as bladeheart/,,, do wyll and shadowheart have a ship name yet? HM. well anyway i think that in conjunction with the previous headcanon about wyll gardening, he and shadowheart garden together and he specially grew her night orchids)

lae'zel:

ever since i looked at her stupid little mindflayer training dummie in camp ive had the image of her in my head very angrily and intensly carving up a turnip to look like a mindflayer. draws a little mean face on it like the worlds most violent six year old. every time she messes up on her little DIY project shes muttering curses in tir'su.

lae'zel will take any opportunity to infodump about githyanki culture. specifically red dragons. if she met a red dragonborn or even maybe a follower of tiamat or some shit she would be so hype. in her "i hate everyone SVAH" way ofc. but like. trying to casually slide trivia into battle conversation or party banter with all the subtlety of an owlbear. "yes... the battle preparations are proceeding as expected... as expected a red dragons hibernation cycle..." and everyone just has to turn their head and ask what the fuck shes talking abt

(can be thought of as silverweave: lae'zel and gale talk in draconic about dragon history and the celestial plane. hes so tickled to have a mutual interest with lae'zel)

no one hears lae'zel laugh but when they do its so weird. like its some weird like hissing sort of sound and everyone has to do a double take and make sure theyre understanding what the fuck is going on for a second. lae'zel is incredibly defensive when people notice it but theyre not trying to be mean

karlach:

before her engine gets fixed but like early on to where shes not used to it, karlach keeps trying to touch things and keeps breaking them. this fills her with genuine despair and she will start crying (everyone in camp has to go on a group effort to calm her down). she just thinks the world is so beautiful and is so sad she cant interact with it

she likes to dance but in like a boot stompin way. karlach is probably just an absolute party animal when she gets her freedom back because honestly in her situation who wouldnt be. SHE JUST GOT TO NOT BE ON FIRE LET THE GIRL PARTY

once shes been fixed to the point where she can touch people, she just never stops. manhandling everyone in the party constantly. oh whats that? tav is on low health? dont worry karlach is sprinting over to put tav on her shoulder. literally any problem can be solved by karlach hugs and i wont be taking feedback on this

[blappel]

big fan of nora please tell me more about her

HIIIIII i am always surprised when nora has fans bc obviously the party gets a lot more attention and also. well. she sucks kinda <3 but she is also my girl so here is a rundown of nora events. sadly i can't comment publicly on much more than this as it is spoilers. But just know it gets crazier yay

nora is first introduced to the party right after they all run into each other and end up trapped in Kobold Dungeon. eventually she is forced to admit she is exploring the dungeon in order to claim part of a strange artifact which "belongs to her" and allegedly, once reassembled, will lead her to the campaign's big legendary magic sword

the legendary magic sword in question was once used by the ancient hero Astora, who conquered the continent with it & went on to found the Astoran Empire, before sealing his cool sword away and leaving behind the legend that only one of his bloodline could unlock its true power and be worthy of wielding it

at this point about half the party realizes Nora is, in fact, the missing princess of the empire, Aelinora ven Astora. the rest of the party does not because they are kinda stupid, but by the present day they have all now learned the truth.

Nora, who has up until this point been flopping miserably in the dungeon due to the fact that she seemingly has no weapons or skills or HP, asks the party to accompany her on her quest.

At this point she believes at least half the party to be aligned with an enemy state so she feels very cool and epic for convincing them to ally with her so she can use them as meat shields #mastermanipulator (they just kind of felt bad for her + had their own reasons for going after the sword)

Soon after this Anari shows up, having been hired to protect Nora by a mysterious employer (who turned out to be nora's missing cousin....but what is his deal?? still unknown. But not to me) nora begins to develop a crush on her which becomes stronger and more obvious as the campaign goes on

With some encouragement from the party (blitz giving her his dagger, anari training her in self defense) she starts to learn how to fight for herself, but is still noticeably weaker than the others...however she does do some cool shit every now and then. She killed a plant good for her!

Nora is usually very soft spoken and polite and gets along well with the party ^_^ ....but they also start growing uncomfortable with how power-hungry she seems sometimes

She's very driven (and desperate) to find The Sword, stop the war, and save her country from being conquered and destroyed. how will she do that? hahahaha dont worry about it ^_^

Eventually she becomes a little more self assured, and decides to start fighting with a sword...which she's unusually good at?! haha oops she forgot to mention she actually did study the blade and she's been fighting with suboptimal weapons this whole time. Why did she do that

oh also around this point she gets almost kidnapped, then thrown down the stairs, then literally dies from being thrown down the stairs, but they bring her back to life

eventually they also meet nora's Mysteriously Missing For Five Years cousin. he is weird as hell. nora trusts him completely. neither of them will explain what's up with them??

Finally, the party assembles all the pieces of the compass needed to find The Sword, but decides not to assemble them yet because they don't trust Whatever Is Going On. and also nora..?

AND THATS WHAT YOU MISSED ON TOHD

[teenagedracula]

You're so amazing actually. And it goes beyond whatever reverence I've had for you in the past, the obsession and the guilt and the fear that almost felt justified -- and it did, once, feel justified. With everything you'd done, everything that hurt me in the end, and some memories from my own lifetime, there's so much that's happened that I had some idle resentment for you.

But it's different, i think. Now, at least. There's that empathy and emotion that I hadn't ever caught a glimpse of back then -- only what you'd show me with ulterior motives I saw right through -- and cherish so deeply now. I can feel with every action you make and everything you do just how regretful and just plain sorry you are for everything you've done. It's touching in a way I can't explain.

Yes, you killed me. It hurt a lot. Stairs hurt a lot. Also every other death of mine in Mina's name or in your name, what have you. You've killed lots of people.

But we've lived so many lives (at least 2) since then, Dracula. Ones where you've shown me kindness, sympathy. Ones where you care so deeply and feel so profoundly that it almost physically hurts me to see how much you care for those you love. You show it through your words in the subtle ways; messaging when you can, sending things that remind you of them, little gifts and messages and ideas and concepts that scream with love. You've become such a kind person in a way that only comes from having done something terribly wrong in the past.

I think the good outweighs the bad here.

Of course, this won't change the guilt. It'll always be present to some degree. But don't give yourself a hard time for the things you did over 200 years ago, okay? We stay silly forever.

Yours eternally (and then some) (i am never leaving), Your Buddy Renfield <3

This is so, so sweet. I don't even know what to say.

Like I'm stunned.

I feel weird even posting this publicly, it's so personal. This is everything to me.

The guilt is neverending but ive always felt so, so much better whenever i talk to you. We're so close now and it forever brings me so much joy.

Everything you felt towards me in the past was completely justified, I truly believe that. (Negatively, i mean)

And what i felt towards you, in the past, i believed was justified. But it goes without mentioning that I don't believe that anymore.

Remind me to bring this up privately when you wake up. I have a lot to say that I think is just too much for a public Tumblr post. Love you forever.

[esther-dot]

So to jump in regard to the 'hot chick with a dragon' ask. GRRM's depiction of Drogo and Dani is one of those things that fandom can't wrap their head around because, yet again, they fail to see that Martin is not the woke writer they think he is and fail to remember that he conceived of this plot in the 90s. I feel like a lot of the fandom isn't well versed in scifi/fantasy books written by white men in the 80s/90s - those books are very, ummmmm....how do I put this....let's just say a lot of those writers used their fantasy books to explore certain taboos and fetishes for titilation, not necessarily as a woke moral lesson in their fictional world. I am in no way saying this makes them bad people, or that they would act inappropriately with women/minor girls in real life, because fiction is fiction, but yeah...

The Dani/Drogo relationship is literally that swords and sorcery trope from the 80s/90s where Hot Nubile Princess gets 'sold' to Hunky Barbarian, they proceed to have a ton of hot sex, and then fall in love. The fact that Martin couldn't even bare to make Dani at LEAST 16 (which still would have been disgusting) makes me side eye him a lot. But people thinking he meant for this relationship to be some dark psychological exploration of stockholm syndrome is hilarious. Do I think there might be some amorphous critique of girls being sold into unwanted marriages? Yeah, sure. But a lot of that relationship is just straight up the Hunky Barbarian trope that's why the wedding night is a 'seduction.'

A lot of discussions about these books would be easier if people just admitted Martin is a little bit of Freak when it comes to his depictions of relationships and sex and uses the fact that 'WelL ThIs Is tHE mEdIeVAl WoRLD' to depict minors in situations like this not because he's critiquing the patriarchy or whatever, but because it's taboo and therefore titilating. A lot of fans really like this series and don't want to admit a series they are really into has super problematic elements especially a series that is 30 years old which I think is silly. People can enjoy it while critiquing the author.

(about this ask)

The fact that from the inception of the story Martin was gonna have a hero/heroine engage in some fauxcest says at a minimum the man is a lil…quirky. Actually, no, I think most Jonsas would say he’s a little freak which is why we still think he’ll go for it. 😂

You’re right about the tropes of the era and having to accept problematic elements in the older generation of writers. Stephen King infamously wrote a sex scene with eleven year olds. Writers sometimes write weird shit. For something that’s finished, people can memory-hole the weirdness, for us, we have to wrestle with it a little more. I don’t like to be publicly critical of fellow Jonsas because we have nowhere else to go. The rest of the fandom has radically different ideas and have pointedly excluded us, but I don’t see a problem with voicing criticism of Martin here. It has no impact on him, his feelings or career, whatsoever. It’s tumblr, we’re not even in danger of something trending and a journalist asking him a question that breaks the wall between fandom/creator. I like reading all of the metas and different ways of analyzing ASOIAF our fandom comes up with because I don’t feel like I alone have cracked the code, but there is a danger of kinda, white-washing Martin’s problematic choices. I didn’t fully appreciate that before.

Actually, back to the tropes, I was reading some Angel Carter recently, she was an important feminist writer, but she too wrote one of those young girl & “barbarian” stories which has beats that are similar to Dany/Drogo. I’m not gonna read that one because it sounds even more racist, and grotesque in how it handles rape than ASOIAF. Long review that explains some cultural and literary context for it. People can write fucked-up, deeply offensive things and also write things we like. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[aronarchy]

person on twitter:

You shouldn’t put your kids’ private info (including details of their personal lives) or faces/pictures online until they both are old enough to be fully informed about all of the risks of being online and, while being informed of those risks, consent to you doing that. 😁

Once you put your kids online, you can never fully take that stuff offline. If they grow up and decide that anything you chose to share about them isn’t something they want to be publicly available for literally everyone on the planet, they have no choice. You took it from them.

We say “the internet is forever” for a reason. Even if you delete all the posts, you can never fully erase them. All the time that the posts were up doesn’t just disappear, either, so it’s already affected them. No other permanently life-altering decision is treated so casually.

Kids have a right to privacy and autonomy. If you care about them you will protect that right, even when it’s boring or inconvenient to do so.

As for sharing anonymized info about your kids online without their fully informed consent: it isn’t actually anonymous if too many details are shared, if not enough details are altered, or if you aren’t fully anonymized yourself. Also, anonymous stuff can still hurt your kid.

Even if it’s anonymous, if you find out someone publicly posted online about a very sensitive private issue like a mental health crisis or an embarrassing experience, you probably would feel pretty violated. Kids, like you, are people, and have feelings.

There are certain things which are anonymous and innocuous enough that it’s probably fine, like “I made my kid a grilled cheese today and he dropped it on the couch” probably won’t do any damage, but you don’t realize just how immensely careful you must be about that stuff.

Things which to you seem like innocent funny stories might be really hurtful to your kid if you share without permission. If you’re sharing online, you can never take it back—if that hurts your kid, it hurts them for life. Every time you post about them, remember that.

.

there are probably some exceptions and nuance to this but I really think that posting your children online without their consent, whether it be private stories about what they said or did or pictures/video, is a major example of patriarchal youth oppression and dehumanization 🧵

when you think about what parents are posting private details about what kids, it’s usually the disabled kids who have their privacy violated the most, particularly autistic ones

I know so many stories of those kids growing up to be traumatized and horrified as teens/adults

you’ve also probably seen the transphobic/TERF abusive parents who share extremely sensitive and private information about their trans kids without those kids’ consent, often to make public transphobic attacks against them and to reinforce their own oppressive power

I remember one post went viral on here a while back of a 15 year old trans teenager making a reddit post explaining about their TERF mother’s transphobic posts about them, apologizing for the trans kids their mother has hurt and discussing how much it had hurt them to experience.

they mentioned specifically that their internet use was being monitored and so they didn’t have much time to write the post—they did not even have the autonomy to speak about the abuse they endured publicly, to fight back. posting about them was an abuse tactic for their mother.

so, also, was internet surveillance. the oppression of youth is structured so the youth are always being monitored, surveilled—and they are given the least awareness of the world around them possible, caged in to the oppressive environment. this is hugely exemplified online.

the most marginalized kids are made into a dehumanized online spectacle by parents. almost always, when private or sensitive info about a kid goes online without their consent, it’s “look how disabled/queer/weird this creature is, look how good of a person I am for tolerating it”

or, sometimes it’s not even as polite as that, and it’s more like “do not believe my child or people like them when they tell you anything, believe me and people like us, the people who oppress them”

there is a great investment in discrediting the voices of marginalized youth

again, there are probably exceptions to this, but not as many as people probably think—even if it’s not harmful, informed consent should be required from a child before permanently putting their info or face onto the internet, an irreversible and potentially dangerous thing

the reason it’s so hard to talk about this is that the vast majority of people agree with the patriarchal oppression of children, even if they think they don’t—they laugh at the idea of children having rights and autonomy, of needing their consent to do something to them

[golbrocklovely]

Yk what I wonder (don’t mind me, it’s late and i am crazy) how many people who ship snc together or shipped brolby in the past would actually go mad crazy and turned out to be actual homophobic piece of shts if snc would ever come out (i am not saying they are not straight, i am saying hypothetically speaking… like a scenario that never will happen).

Ik most of the people do it for simple fun and they do not really mean it, but there are still people who mean it and i wonder… if they genuinely would support snc if they ever would say smth “hey yk i am actually kinda into guys” or they only like idea of sam AND colby (if you get what i am saying). Or how many of them are actually homophobic people who just find snc hot and the idea of them tght just seems hot to them, but irl they despise couples like this? Idk if that makes sense, but ik people like this exist, who be like shipping two men tght, but then would bash one of them if they actually turns out gay….

Ok, i know those are out of nobody knows where, but it’s past midnight here and i just decided to share this little crazy thought here (probably gonna regret it tomorrow) and sorry for bringing up the Voldemort name in snc fandom.

i get what you're saying, anon. i'll be honest tho, idk the answer to that question lol

(this became such a rambling mess good god lol read at your own risk)

as someone that has talked to a lot of fans over the years, both anon and not, there is a good chunk of ppl that genuinely believe that at the very least colby is bi in some capacity. whether those ppl admit it publicly or not is a different story. personally i think he's straight bc he himself says he is, but if he for some reason came out and said he was also into guys, i wouldn't care/wouldn't be surprised. sam would be a bit surprising tbh lol

but the question of "do fans ship snc together, or would they hate them being gay if they were not with one another" is a good one to ask. i think it's a bit of a mix bag. definitely i do think there would be fans that would not be into it whatsoever. and i do think certain fans would be happy knowing they were together. but i think the ones that would hate them being gay with other men are the ones that have always given me the ick. bc they don't see gay online men (like influencers or actors or whatever) as actual ppl, just characters.

bc there is something to be said about groups of women online being obsessed with gay men/male friendships and shipping them together. the dan-and-philification of certain male friend groups is an interesting one to observe (tho, dnp may not be the best example of that since they are both gay and possibly together idk about that tho so don't quote me). i'll say it this way, as someone who is bi but claimed to be straight for a long time - i always find it a little bit worrisome when i look at a straight woman and see that she is obsessed with a gay male couple. it reads as a fetish, it reads as a weird sexual thing in some way to me no matter what. i can't explain why it feels that way, but it always had. now granted, maybe some of those women are secretly queer in their own way and being into a gay couple is just their way of connecting to their own identity. that's a possibility for sure. but there are plenty of straight women, ones that are 100% straight, that are just way too into gay guys.

i'll be honest, i've had this thought for a long time, but i haven't fleshed it out fully, so i'm sorry if this is all over the place. and i do think some of this can also apply to male fans/nb fans, but i've seen this happen a lot when it comes to a popular guy who's friends with another guy and the fandom as a whole is predominantly women. for some reason, they will get shipped together like crazy and the idea that they aren't into one another is just not accepted.

i do think some of this happens bc parasocial relationships make certain fans see these real ppl as characters and bc of that, they ship them like they would characters on a show. and all of this happens without them taking into account how these guys would actually feel or what they would want.

as for snc, i think most of the fandom would be fine with them being gay if they came out and said they were. i think a lot more would be accepting if they came out and said they were dating, weirdly enough. i've joked with friends on here a bunch that sam is really the only person everyone seems to agree on colby dating, and vice versa.

but i do think weirdly, bc so many fans kinda see snc as characters, that's why they get upset when they do go out and date women that aren't those the fandom has "agreed" upon. that's why there was so much vitriol for katelyn and malia. they were two randos we knew nothing about and had no choice in choosing. how dare snc decide for themselves ! how dare colby date outside the holy trinity ! how dare sam move on from the best gf he'll ever have kat !

okay, i feel like i've rambled enough. sorry if i didn't answer your question, but like i said in the beginning - it's a good one to ask. i'm just not sure if there is a clear cut answer to it.

[dotspoetrycorner]

Rise of the Pink Ladies Cynthia x OC Part 7

Chapter 7: Frosty Palace

Ella’s POV

After ditching the pep rally I went to the frosty palace. I didn’t know where else to go, my parents expected me to be at the school and I couldn’t explain to the why I left. So here I am in the almost empty diner, drinking a milkshake and rethinking all my choices. 

I know Susan’s just upset and is looking for any reason to be more upset, but how can you publicly humiliate someone like that? But what else can I do, they are the only way to get though the year.

The pep rally must be over because the diner starting filling with people, I really just wanted to go home at this point, so I quickly finished my drink and left. I had just managed to weave my way through all the people and cars when I ran into someone. They were running and the impact was hard, making me fall flat on the ground. 

“Watch where you’re-“ I started to yell but then I looked up and saw Cynthia. “Oh- I’m so sorry!” She said frantically, trying to help me up. “Why are you in such a rush?” I asked. “Im just trying to get home.” She replied. “Me too. Rough night?” She nodded, “Yeah. After what happened at the pep rally, I-“ “what happened at the pep rally? I left early.” I guess something pretty big. “The t-birds said they would let me join them if I came up with a plan to get back at those stupid socs for embarrassing Richie… no offense, but your friends are awful.” She explained. “I don’t even know if they’re my friends anymore. Not after they wanted to embarrass Jane like that.” 

After walking for a while I realized Cynthia and I should have parted ways by this point, she’s walking in the opposite direction from her house. “You don’t go this way.” “I’m walking you home” She replied. “You really don’t have to-“ “I’m walking you home.” Alright then. We just kept walking in silence. It’s so weird, we used to be able to talk for hours, talk about anything and everything, and now we’re struggling to find even one thing to talk about. 

Cynthia was the first to speak, “so… are you caught up on the English assignment?” I just looked at her, that was the best she could come up with? She continued, “Look, I’m strapped for conversation here and you like books.” I laughed, “After Of Mice and Men, Animal Farm, and The Catcher in the Rye, Little Women is an amazing change. I’m on my third re-read.” I glanced over at Cynthia, she was just staring at me, smiling. “What?” I asked, “Nothing. That’s just very you.” I looked down, it’s weird, our dynamic is the same as it used to be but now I get this weird feeling when she’s around. She spoke again, “I didn’t mind it at first, I actually kind of liked it. Jo was cool, then she got into all that love crap, I couldn’t get through it.” 

That conversation broke the ice and we were back to exactly how I remember us being. But eventually we arrived at my house. “This is me. Thank you, you turned my really bad night into a pretty okay one.” I said and hugged Cynthia. She tensed up for a second then hugged back. That feeling came back. I told her goodnight then started walking up my driveway, hearing a soft “goodnight” as I walked into my house.

I was greeted by my mom. “Was that Cynthia out there?” She asked. “Yes” I replied. “I didn’t know you two were still friends.” “I’m really tired. Im going to sleep, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I said, quickly walking up the stairs. Its not that I didn’t want to tell me mom what had happened that night, but it’s a long story and she just wouldn’t understand. 

lying in bed I couldn’t sleep, all I could do is think. I couldn’t be friends with Cynthia again and keep my other friends, and they have been really rude the past couple of days, and Cynthia and I have always been great friends for one another. But Susan, Dot, Rosemary, and Pearl have been with me through the past 6 years, through everything. I don’t know what to do.

[againtodreaming]

Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)

@lyloneliness you send the first ask but also @mavr4xx @vinylbiohazard @ghostsinacoat @yumaisbored you also asked this too and omg i love u all but also, why do you do this to me 😭😭😭 i was already struggling a lot to think of 5 things with the first ask (and i still haven't even gotten to the tag game of this), and now I have to think of TWENTY-FIVE?!? ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚ (plus 5 more if I end up finding the tag game again plus the ability to think of 5 more...)

Anyways, thank you so much for the asks (´,,•ω•,,)♡ ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊♡ (even if they are the hardest asks I have done in my life 💀) (it was interesting and fun tho 🌟) you are all awesome 💖🌟💞 now here we go:

(25 things here in the same post bc…not sure I just started doing it after @ all of u and I am doing this draft in my phone and separating this in the other asks i still have to look for is too much work) (apologies for the length, the further i got, the longer some of the answers became😅)

1 - My hair (used to be really thick and my mom used to make this amazing hairstyles almost every day when I was a kid—there was one that was a huge rose made of braids or smth, the hairpins were awful and it took so long but it was so pretty, I think my mom even made it for the wedding of one of her friends, anyways I lost maybe more than half of my hair when I was like 15, stress probably, and then I decided to cut it even below the shoulder—first time in my life it was so short—bc I was so mad with it but also bc I had zero energy to even try to take care of it by that point. Grown back until like my mid-back—used to have it like waist length before—by now and now I got maybe a little more than half of the hair that I used to have at 13 which is a lot better than it was at 15 and hopefully it gets back to what I used to have in a couple of years more, but for now it's enough to start playing with it and doing braids)

2 - Open-mindedness

3 - Creativity

4 - Patience

5 - That I'm an older sister

6 - Uf, how do I explain this one—like, empathy? kindness? feeling things deeply? putting yourself in the other person's shoes and being considerate of that? being too sentimental? which can be really annoying too but I wouldn't trade it so...

7 - That I can talk really fast

8 - Being expressive

9 - Always thinking things through

10 - Confident in my likes? (okay, so this one feels complicated, but for example, when I was a little kid, 6 or 7 years old probably, I loved superheroes, but my classmates in my all-girls school were like, that's for boys 😒, and I felt horrible bc that was just another thing in that i didnt fit in with everyone else and i always wanted to fit in, but somehow—which looking back feels weird bc who even knew i could be surprisingly confident in some aspects—was that i never thought i was in the wrong for liking superheroes? Like, yeah, I always wanted to fit in and I felt bad that I didn't, but even with all the social insecurity I was constantly plagued with, I never felt like I was in the wrong for being myself or that I should change myself or pretend to like stuff I didn't just to fit in (that strategy didn't even cross my mind until I was…can't be sure, it was somewhere in the last few years in this country, it was either a documentary, fiction, or the group therapy, but the idea of actual people in real life doing smth they didn't agree and had no purpose except to fit in was like: 🤯!?!!?!?!) (I didn't handle it that well either to be fair, if I wasn't with my friends i just decide to hide during recess and/or to not speak at all with anyone, until I changed schools) (I liked the 2nd school better). I assume that in my head I was like: "shame that I'm not like all of you but what can you do, I'm me ╮(╥﹏╥)╭ "

11 - I'm usually also all or nothing with almost all things? Like, for example, math. I don't like math, it has always been the class I struggled with the most and all my math teachers in Peru were really strict and thank goodness that my dad loves math and really good at it or I would have been lost without someone to explain it to me. But last week, my parents got an email from my math teacher who was telling them how proud she was of me and how I always strove to understand everything and there was some implication that I did it bc I liked what I was learning, which like, I mean, I like geometry a lot more than algebra bc it's simpler, and I don't exactly hate it, but I certainly wouldn't do it for pleasure. At all. And yeah, I ask her about everything I don't understand (she insisted to the whole class to please ask her anything if we needed help, so i had permission; if she wasn't available tho, I just would have asked my dad or a friend who is good at math to explain it to me) and ask her to show me exactly what I did wrong and what would be the correct answer but all of that is bc well, if I'm going to do well in the class, I need to understand what I did wrong in order to fix it, and like, math classes always build on each other, so if I don't smth I will later have problems with it, and also like, I'm already stuck with the class whether I like it or not, if I'm going to do smth, I'm going to do it well. Which is smth my mom has complained a lot of times, especially during last school year when I had a lot of late assignments bc I was too anxious about doing any of them bc I was afraid of doing it wrong or bc I didn't have the energy to think clearly so I wouldn't be able to do my best so like yeah…I ended up not doing the assignments at all (this is the part that I hate about this all or nothing thing with me, but let's focus on the positive side right now). Or with projects, I once stayed awake until like 5 am like several nights straight to do a project for economics class which like…I decided to make my own illustrations for each slide of the ppt to illustrate the information on top of doing the reading and answering the questions stuff…and I was already in a hurry with it bc I didn't know the school put assigned summer readings in the school's website (it was my first year in this country and nobody had said anything about it the year prior, plus it was quarantine time) and the teacher gave me a few extra days bc I still needed to hurry up in reading the book so yeah, I should have done smth more simple and fast to just submit it and get a grade but it wouldn't have been doing my best, not even near my best and I was already compromising on some stuff to not take too long since there wasn't too much time for my initial ideas so…yep. The teacher loved my project tho (and gave me a 100 even tho it was one day late) and asked if she could use it for her class of next year soooo…totally worth it. But yeah, i was sort of confused that Geometry teacher thought to send an email like that when I have only been trying to understand the concepts I am assigned to learn?

Thinking, thinking, thinking….you know what, I want to put my height in here just annoy my sister (she would be all dramatic annoying fake pitying dramatic gasp about it and would drag the younger ones to her side of the argument) but she wouldn't even see it plus I don't actually care about heights (I just care that she's annoying about it almost daily) so that would also be a lie so another thing….you know what, i already got 11 in one morning, coming back to this later

12 - Okay, so I hate all my health problems, absolutely hate them, so annoying and expensive and restricting and confusing BUT—how do I word this…it has 2 parts…umm…okay, so I'm really familiar with the clinic in Peru I used to go all the time and, okay I hated having to go to the clinic so many times, especially towards the end, but I liked being familiar with it? Like, the people, the sense of a community, the building, the routine. It was probably more familiar than my schools since I changed schools a few times while the clinic was there ALWAYS (until we moved countries and I never expected to miss the fucking clinic but it happened which wtf but also makes sense which also omg mila (ノ◇≦。) but also, the medical system was definitely easier and less expensive than whatever the fuck they have going on here, plus not having all our usual doctors, so there is also a practical reason aside from me unreasonably missing everything that was familiar including things I didn't even like much). That's the first part. Second part is that it has brought…lessons ig. Like, idk, it's been a huge formative part of my life. About health and food and family stuff and experiences. Like, I hate having the health problems (they are A LOT better now than when I was younger as long I do some things to keep it that way, but yeah, really grateful for that) but also, I don't really know who I would be without those experiences? Changed the whole family too so like…idk, it's weird but felt worth mentioning.

13 - That I'm really curious and like learning.

14 - Sense of style

15 - Loyalty—to people (like, even swallowed down all my shyness and anxiety to try to reconnect with some childhood friends I hadn't talked in forever bc moving countries and depression thing) (going well, really happy that we are talking again) but also like to interests and values ig? Like, most of my likes (superheroes, anime, drawing, maybe writing but not sure about that one, all started before I even turned 8 y/o) and like, aside from maturing and a couple of things, I don't think I've changed much at all. I have never stopped liking smth I used to like anyways.

16 - Openness ig? Like, I never want to be a bother so it depends on the person and the history i have with them and sometimes on the occasion, but I never really had any problems asking for help or speaking about my problems or feelings

17 - My handwriting when it's not written in a hurry

18 - My attention to detail

19 - Not getting mad easily—which is you know good with being an older sister too bc like...my dad is really annoying (but like jokingly annoying) and a lot of times bc of it (or some other times other family members) my sister and my mom get mad about some small comment they take seriously and then they get angry and leave the table or living room or whatever and then it's like all awkward bc the mood got broken (which also, a little hypocritical especially bc the sister also loves to be annoying in purpose with everyone of us) but unlike them, the middle sister and me like...we don't really care much about it? We are usually the ones that get more teased by the others but it's like, smth one therapist didn't understand, which was so annoying wtf did setting boundaries had to do with my siblings being annoying, I don't care that they are annoying bc it's like, we usually get along well (presently; there used to be constant fighting between 2 of them we were little but they are better now) and they have always been annoying but it's like, a game, I know they are not serious about the matter. I can be annoying back if I feel like it and it's all in good fun. The only times I don't like it it's when it's actually serious, with you know, intention to hurt or being passively aggressive mad about smth, stuff like that. Point is that yeah, it's also good for sibling diplomacy bc I'm rarely the one getting mad with the other ones.

20 - That I like dogs

…I can't think of 5 more. Uf, let's see…okay, getting desperate here but—

21 - That I'm Peruvian

22 - Good at cooking

23 - Good at planning

24 - My self-awareness

25 - That I like to be more positive and hopeful about things in general I think? (myself is usually an exception) Constant argument with my sister bc she can be so pessimistic sometimes. Like, life is already hard enough as it is, having fun and connecting with people makes things more enjoyable, so why not try to focus on the bright side whenever possible and make things better. She thinks I'm naive, I know I can be naive, but also, if I have to live I'm going to enjoy it bc what's the point otherwise. Generalizing things doesn't help. I think.

OKAY!! DONE!! 25 THINGS!!! FINALLY 😭💖

Thank you again and I hope you are all doing well <33

[prefrontal-bastard]

Very intense way to answer that ask.

I’m sure that newly discovered system, coming to you scared and confused literally just asking questions felt awesome (/s) when you went THIS IS ONLY GOING TO BE TERRIBLE FOR YOU, YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD!! Instead of explaining things calmly.

I’m not saying you’re wrong about endos, i’m just saying you can get your point across without being so intense. And you probably should if you want people to listen. Putting things in such scary black and white things will get people to not believe you.

DID/OSDD comes with dissociation (obviously.) and that dissociation can make way for some okay and even good times. It would be less covert if it really was 24/7 suffering.

Also that last part was weird to me. An alter’s sense of self is inherently tied to systemhood. Exploring one’s self and one’s system is intertwined. You answered that ask as though they were questioning when they said they were simply a newly discovered system who didn’t know the community’s terminology yet.

It's definitely not the tone I normally take; normally I'm more measured. That ask came after a long day of doing a lot of emotional labor answering questions about a disorder I've never talked publicly about before. Perhaps I should have slept on it, but here we are.

However, I'm not interested in softening the edges on what OSDD/DID are though, because they're not what people think, and that's a problem.

Even in a mellower mindset, I'd still prompt people to think twice about the conclusions they've drawn, especially if:

They sound very young.

They've done no apparent preliminary research about systems, despite concluding they are one.

They identify as a system, but never mention dissociation.

See, you can't discover your alters before you've discovered you're dissociating. And dissociating isn't zoning out or feeling numb. You actually feel perfectly lucid and attentive. It feels like you're 100% normal.

This is the definition of dissociation:

The splitting off of clusters of mental contents from conscious awareness. Dissociation is a mechanism central to dissociative disorders. The term is also used to describe the separation of an idea from its emotional significance and affect, as seen in the inappropriate affect in schizophrenia. Often a result of psychic trauma, dissociation may allow the individual to maintain allegiance to two contradictory truths while remaining unconscious of the contradiction. An extreme manifestation of dissociation is dissociative identity disorder, in which a person may exhibit several independent personalities, each unaware of the others. DSM-5, Glossary, p820.

Dissociation isn't something you know is happening unless it's pointed out to you, and then you must keep a sense of mindfulness around it to become familiar of the feeling. I'm never not dissociating to some degree. I'm doing it right now.

I'm not interested in scaring anyone, no. But I am interested in providing the right information about complex dissociation. I'm happy to provide resources for people to double-check their knowledge and discernment methods (which I have now collected), but that's about as much as I can ethically do.

And as for the part that confused you: Knowing that I'm not accessing my collective knowledge at once means I know I'm not experiencing what would theoretically be my entire self. I'm OSDD, not DID, and my alters loosely represent facets that I know could form a coherent picture if they could interface. But all I can do is look at the puzzle pieces one at a time and imagine what it would look like put together. (DID individuals don't share this because the symptoms are more extreme, but it doesn't make plurality less frustrating.)

So...there you have it. My goal is to provide disambiguation. Feel free to let me know if you'd like me to clarify anything.

[malevolententity]

discoursey vague because i am unable to keep my mouth shut under the cut

regardless of whether or not what is alleged actually happened in ANY situation. it always strikes as odd that Every Single Time people dig up the past of a qsmper. they always pull shit someone said at 18 or younger. and its like always the brown or latino streamers. like i dont know man i cant blame the streamers for getting defensive over someone pulling up shit they said 10 years ago that they dont stand by anymore. when it seems like no one does that to the white/english speaking streamers.

and i dont know if thats because with the english speakers their past already got drug thru the mud 2 years ago and was apologized for and explained back then. that bringing it up now will mostly get hit with responses of "heres 800 clips where they apologized, can we move on now?" and with the brown and latino streamers those clips if it Has been discussed in the past arent accessible to everyone because it wasnt done in english or???? whatever reason.

i dont know. feels weird. this is the most youll hear me talk on Any of it publicly because honestly i dont feel qualified or comfortable to speak on issues thats happening in a language m not fluent in. in a language that i am seeing multiple different translations and explanations for by different people who are fluent in said languages (and some who dont speak the language at all but are speaking with a sense of authority). and each have their own agenda on swaying non-native speakers to trust Their Translation And Interpretation as the one sole good one. and also like my personal experiences kinda give me a bias on what i view as harmless but weird, and then whats like absolutely deplorable.

friends and mutuals who wanna needle my brain privately can but like i dont know why you would LOL

[valcat--online]

CARPET AIRLINES!!! (https://www.instagram.com/carpet___airlines/)

okay, okay, I loved playing for this party!!!! so I'll have a lot to remember!

some (very long) reflections on some topics:

THE MUSIC / THE SET

-I've been wanting for a long while to get more into gear and now I feel like i'm arriving at that place, or im on the journey towards it. this set was the most out-of-the-box (out of DAW) I've been able to get so far. the only thing that was going through abelton was my vocals and the instrumentals for the few tracks I did only vocals live for. I got an elektron rhythm this winter, and spent a few weeks rabbit-hole deep in spread sheets to organize all my samples and rebuild DAW-based tracks into the rhythm. I learned so soooo much during this time and I must say, one of the reasons im so dedicated to music is how nerdy I get to be with it. ngl I love taking notes, reading manuals, and watching lessons online, etc. Josh Cowgirl (https://www.instagram.com/jcow____/) came round to mine to show me some sneaky tricks with the rhythm and explain how he uses it in his live sets. giiiiant shout out and tysm to him for taking the time to do that!

-regarding actually doing the live set... I had so much more fun with this set/the performance than previous ones because I actually go to play more of the music live, rather than having 30 sec chunks to press play between in a DAW. the elektron rhythm is my new bestie fr! even muting drums in and out, so simple, SO much fun.

-after my set I realized, in a final click kinda way, that there's a weird sense of dysphoria I always get after playing, where I realize that a) everyone on the other side of the decks had a different experience at the set than I did, because they listened while I played, and b) I'll never get to experience a set of mine from that outsiders perspective. which is kinda weird and hard to wrap my head around. when people ask me how my set went, im like idk, ask the people who were there!

-given the last reflection, it's clear that feedback is suuuper important to me to understand how the set went. I love when people tell me about their experiences at my gigs and I live through their stories and use those words to decide how I'll go about the next sets. I guess something about me makes people want to tell me as well. lots of people come to me after my gigs to tell me about the experiences they had whilst listening/dancing. I loooove this, i encourage this! one example that was :) was that after my set this time, lewis (whose mixing down my album w me at the moment) came behind the decks, real coach-like, and gave me a run down of how it went. v sweet. i feel so grateful for him and other music makers in our community for giving me such endless support (https://www.instagram.com/tamtam_pda/).

-soooo some other feedback from others that I'm holding onto :) i got some really nice words from friends and strangers who were at the set. I think the thing that came back most often was that people felt the absolute freedom to listen how they wanted to. some people danced. some people lay down in the back and closed their eyes. mikhela said she had a full flash of yellow while she was getting a (?)cranial massage(?) during "dancing in the breeze." I was told by most of the people I talked to about it that carpet air was the perfect party to experience my music at, because of the sense of coziness and freedom to experience the music, the party, the people, in whatever way you wanted. :D from a personal standpoint, it's my fav gig I've done so far in terms of the vibe. the low lighting, the cozy carpets, the alien-y deco. im so grateful. and now i'm out here, like, begging telepathically (and now digitally, and very publicly lol) for carpet air to plllllls book me again!

THE PARTY / VENUE

-I don't think i can even convey enough how in love with the Carpet Airlines vibe i am. most/all of my previous gigs have been somehow linked to exhibitions. the reason is simple - i organize exhibitions. ive loved playing these gigy but I admit i was super grateful and excited for the opportunity to play at a *partiiii*. Anita and Linda (https://www.instagram.com/goofy_cult/) make suuuch a coool vibe with carpet air. they got to the venue at 6am to start set up. WILD! as a fellow installation artist, I must give mad respect to the effort. a big club and a pill aren't enough for most of the people in my community these days. we don't want to go to parties just to get fucked up. we want to engage with our friends, with the music. we want sensory experience. carpet air had masseuses and board games and couches and a dance floor. there were multiple meals available. nothing was too expensive. putting this party on my #insp list. so grateful to have been involved.

-s/o to the studio d.b team for being so fucking cool. after the party ended, I think we hung around for another 3 hours or so, chillling, playing music, etc. the slow descent back down to reality was much needed for me and I'm glad we got to loiter together and steep in the vibes of the day for a weee bit longer.

-also s/o to the studio d.b speaker system, fr! there was a moment during "bounce in the body" where I could feel that the subs were ON. given that "bounce in the body" is an incredibly dubby bassy track, I was on cloud nine hearing it hit the room. punch to the gut type vibes. bless. bruce mentioned this moment to me as well, and said it was as if it was the first time that whole day that the subs were really subbing. woooooooo!

FINNALLLY wanna give a big shout out to my colleagues in the cockpit https://www.instagram.com/bru.glu/ https://www.instagram.com/amanitaa__/ https://www.instagram.com/born_slip_e/ https://www.instagram.com/der_opium__queen/ https://www.instagram.com/buteninanna/

fire tunes. thanks a million!

shutting up now <3

[darthaddock]

Chapter 1: Nyx

“Seriously? You're a random?”

It's the question I get anytime I get to know someone. They always ask how I was modified, and then they ask if I'm seriously a random. It may sound weird, but just about everyone is genetically modified before they're born by their parents. IQ boost, stronger muscles, healthier skin, you name it, they got it. That's the slogan anyway, the geneticists make trillions modifying babies for families, and they'll do anything to meet the parent's demands.

Me on the other hand, I was born naturally; that is, without genetic modification. Hence me being called a random. No one knew how I might even remotely turn out so far that I know, and if I was genetically modified, I was never told anything about it. I'm also a bit of a paper geek, or that's what they'll call me. Most everything is digital nowadays, but I've always preferred the feel of a paper book.

I'm going to be honest, I don't know where I fit in if at all. I have no friends, I'm too different for that, and no one even wants to even look at me. It's like if they so much as acknowledge the fact I even exist unless they intend to bully me the world is going to immediately end. I've gotten used to it though. It actually comes pretty quick when that's the only way you've been treated since the age of ten. Sometimes I actually think little kids have something that people just lose as they grow up. But with all the dictionaries being revised almost weekly, a word to explain it may be here today and gone tomorrow just to come back the very next day with a completely different meaning than before.

I don't know why, but I've always felt drawn to disaster and chaos. There's something about watching people that I know either have or would have mocked and shunned me, panic for their lives and suffer while I sit at a safe distance. Am I a psychopath? I might be. I've never been diagnosed with anything. But I also don't have the means to go find out. Besides, even if I knew I was, there's no way I'd be able to get meds to treat it even if I had the money to. It's an unspoken portion of the American slogan: Land of the free, home of the brave, but ALWAYS exclude the randoms. What happened to the “unalienable rights endowed to us by our creator”? Oh right, I'm a random, I have minimal rights if I'm lucky.

My parents died in a car accident when I was three. And people will tell me “go get your mommy and daddy, Phoenix” knowing that full well. I've thought about running away. But where would I even run to? The orphanage is basically a maximum security prison, and it's not like things will be better if I do. It'll be the same old story I've been given for the past five years. It's not going to just change overnight. Nothing ever does, except for the dictionaries.

But that was just my life: being publicly shunned while I barely scraped along to keep myself remotely fed. I had learned early on to not trust anyone, because at the time, it could have easily been the factor that decides life or death. I never knew what fate had in store for me. But I was along for the ride whether I liked it or not.

[setsumushou]

Man, she does not know this - and this is all publicly-available conversation on AO3, so I am not revealing anything from anywhere else - but when Fopps suggested that I read her new alpha!Maverick fic in the reply she made to my last comment on Cascading Ruins, I was expecting, like, CR!Maverick fucking CR!Rooster. (I was here for it, and I am still here for it!)

...What I got instead was depressing teen pregnancy saga.

I was shook. Idk. It's very strange because I had read Best Laid Plans before, and I actually didn't have a reaction to it other than, "This is very different from Cascading Ruins." And I think the sex in that one was much more explicit, so it was never the sex I had a reaction to - I mean, I am here for the Roostergina now, clearly. But Of Mice and Men shook me, and it wasn't because of the bottom!Bradley...but that it was just a very uncomfortable story in general, and I wasn't prepared for it (I was curious about the slick-milking part, lol).

She is a really, really amazing writer, and I have always told her this! But I think her being an amazing writer kind of made certain topics more harrowing for me to read because it was such good writing. I just wasn't prepared for the level of well-written misery in that fic. It was a very shocking, sad story. And I think for me, Rayson first landed thematically to me as something like that (it's fine - I've gone back and kudosed her fic, and I actually had to re-peruse Rayson to get into the Gooster mode, lol). Tbh, as Rayson has gotten more and more into "married man fucks his poolboy" kink scenario territory, it has actually gotten much easier to read, lol. It's still not personally fap, but I do skim Rayson sometimes out of curiosity (I read many things out of curiosity! I lack content!).

I have these very complicated thoughts about Roosmav because I really do have very deep feelings for this pairing. I am and will never be a Roosmav casual. But I'm not sure how to explain my feelings on some stories without them coming off as offensive because I certainly don't consider them bad writing - quite the opposite - but that they had been incredible writing of viscerally-distressing topics, if that makes sense.

I know they probably won't let me comment on it or any of their other fics again, which is why I have to write my thoughts on them out on here, but Milky Miles was really fun to read. It was graphic as hell: I think 70% of that fic is some gratuitously-detailed description of Miles Teller's vagina, which, lol, I was very here for - but it was super fun to keep up with. I know I wrote some weird things in my comments for it, but I really had to let them know that I unironically enjoyed that story. I suppose if it's the last thing I ever am able to speak on of theirs, then it was something that was a genuine joy to read. I appreciate Come As You Are for making my last round of TGM watches very fun in a different way.

So for me, there is a difference between sad + tragic!Roostergina and insane + fun!Roostergina, if that makes sense.

[theabigailthorn]

Wait wdym about stalkers—

How does one stalk on tumblr? By liking all your posts from ten years ago lol?

Stalking is often a multi-platform thing and there’s two kinds - the ones who hate me too much and the ones who like me too much. Both usually start with someone crossing a line, often a sexual one, and I put down a boundary like putting them on my ‘Do Not Engage’ list or muting them. Most get the message or don’t realise they’re on the list at all and so they taper off without becoming true stalkers. 

Some then start messaging other creators I’ve been associated with, or turning up in the streams and comment sections of stuff I do with other creators, trying to reach me. That’s when I tell those creators, “Yo, official_dirch_69420 is on The DNE List cause she sent me weird sexual messages,” and they start getting frozen out in those livechats and comment sections too. If they keep going after that I’ll block them. If they switch to another platform I’ll block them there too, and at that stage they’ve crossed into serial harassment/stalker territory. If they’re the hateful kind they get angry that I’m not paying attention to them so they send me more and more personal and then abusive messages, then start posting publicly about how awful I am and how I’ve hurt them (by not indulging their weird power games), or spreading rumours about me to try and turn other fans against me. Eventually they give up when they realise they can’t and they become like dormant volcanoes: every so often they go off and tweet 38-tweet threads about how I’m Basically Hitler, but that’s it. We laugh about them in the group chat as a way of making light of it, feeling better, and expressing solidarity.

If they’re the kind that likes me too much they become obsessive and message me incessantly any way they can, trying to explain and explain and explain their stalker behaviour and can’t you see I’m a nice person and it’s all because of my trauma here it’s all explained in this eleven page document I’ve written with pictures of you photoshopped into clothes that I’ve bought for you abigail can’t you see that you’re hurting me so much i have rejection sensitivity dysphoria you’re harming me by not responding i thought you cared about the community i’ve always looked up to you so much and you’re so fucking perfect and i feel like if you gave me a chance you’d be able to understand and look past my prior unfortunate behaviour that’s why i had to try one more time to find you and reach out to you i wanted to give you this present by way of apologising you don’t have to take the tickets but there are two and i thought we could go together if you’re interested and if you’re not seeing anybody i think you’re so beautiful - and on, and on, and on, and on.

And then if they escalate it further by, for instance, turning up in person, that’s when I take it to the police. I screenshot and save all the stuff I get sent by stalkers/people who are on their way to becoming stalkers in case it needs to be used as evidence later. I try to avoid that though cause a lot of stalkers have mental health issues that will not be fixed by a visit from the cops; I only do it if I think there’s an actual threat to my physical safety.

And that, kids, is how you deal with stalkers.

[yn-rollcall]

Momento Bakugo x Reader Chapter 23

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Summary: So I was always told to look on the bright side. The bright side is that I’m finally meeting the Number One and Two pro-heroes Deku and Dynamight. The downside is that I was publicly dragged out of my job for a string of robberies that I did not commit and am being detained for questioning.

Length: 5.2k

Warnings: Oral Sex, Food Kink, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Mirror Sex, Quirk Kink (My Hero Academia), Shameless Smut, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rough Sex, Emotional Constipation, Chocolate Syrup, Fluff, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotional Manipulation, Temperature Play, Hate Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Attempted Sexual Assault, Blood and Injury, Heavy Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Panty Kink, Semi-Public Sex, Creampie, Bondage, Body Worship, Light Dom/sub, Daddy Kink, Pegging, Public Masturbation, Office Sex, Wank and Tell, Polyamory, So like at the very very end there’s KatsukixReaderxKirishima, But it happens so last minute I don’t feel justified tagging it as one of the main relationships, Constructive Criticism Welcome

A03 Wattpad

A/N: Welcome to Fluff town!! I had a lot of trouble deciding what ideas to put in and leave out! From here on out it's rebuilding relationships and exploring new ones. We're near the end y'all!

Y/N POV

I walked back in the shop feeling like I simultaneously wanted to break into song and beat the living shit out of everyone here. But his smile. Fuck they could embarrass me for the next 20 years and it'd be worth it. I've never seen him look so happy. One single smile and I was on Cloud Nine again. He didn't hate me? After I was so cruel? My phone buzzed a mile a minute. The Dynamight fandom was blowing up about his photo. Whoever took the photo, uploaded it quick. God I get it I was still geeking out too. I'll probably be chasing this particular high for a while.

"So how'd it go?" Deku asked, emerging from the back after a quick peek.

"She needed some help but she was able to get it out." Yoko said her chest puffed out proudly.

"I heard." He said with a cute laugh. "Please tell me someone mentioned the call and response thing."

"You should've seen it, she looked like she wanted a hole to swallow her up!" Yoko cackled.

"I hate both of you by the way." I grumbled.

Deku and Yoko joked around. I fake pouted watching everyone buzz about with excitement. A small smile curled my lips as I watched the bakery possess a light airy vibe for the first time in a long time. Yoko grabbed my arm and pulled me into the kitchen where Deku was waiting with his notebook. Oh god here we go.

"So we've managed to successfully replace the disgust response with positive emotions. Now we gotta work on the intensity aspect." Deku murmured, looking at his notes.

"Intensity?" I asked, worried about more ridiculous training.

Some of which I'm starting to suspect was for the hell of it. What did the call and response thing even contribute to anyway?

"Yea. You hated Kacchan before but since you replaced the response you love Kacchan again. We didn't exactly get rid of the intense portion." Deku explained, still examining his notebook.

"That explains the stuttering earlier." I murmured. "I knew it'd be awkward but I never imagined I'd be that awkward about it."

"This is a much less cute explanation and I'm gonna continue to believe you were just having a schoolyard crush moment out there." Yoko decided.

"So how do we get rid of the intensity?" I said.

"It should fade naturally over time." Deku said. "Considering the amount of exposure you've already had it means you have to get used to non-hero Kacchan..."

"Which means we should just let it ride!" Yoko said cheerfully.

"Or we should just like...phase it out so I don't have any weird side effects. Deku, what do you got for me?" I asked.

"Actually I'm all for letting it ride itself out. The thing we'd have to do is basically repeatedly expose you to him outside of hero work anyway." He said with a sunny innocent smile that I've learned to distrust. "Might as well just be shy for a while."

I'll admit, Deku had me completely fooled when we first met. The man was a sadist. Through and through. I'm also really sure he has a thing for humiliating people. He's had me wear Dynamight merch in public. Post on forums. Literally any and every way I could interact and be a total fangirl against my will for Dynamight, he forced me to do. I'm pretty fucking sure at this point he did it just because I hated it so much. He said he wasn't mad about the Shoto thing anymore but I didn't believe that shit for a second. Either he's mad or just sadistic.

"You guys are really excited to watch me suffer." I said with a pointed look at Deku.

"Well you did almost kill my boyfriend." He huffed.

So he is salty. The bastard.

"You also beat the hell out of mine so we're even." I shot back. "I know all the gritty details about how you basically shattered his ribs and he had to use a health potion or whatever to survive. I think we're even."

"WHAT?" Yoko asked, mouth hanging open.

"Who told you.....Denki." Deku narrowed his eyes, after he figured it out.

"Yea...he's now my friend and I've been learning a lot about you Deku dear so you're gonna have to start being nice to me." I said. "Or I just might have to let slip a few things to Shoto."

"I liked traumatized apologetic Y/N better. Where is she?" Deku said, a small smile on his lips.

"Subscription to that Y/N is more than you can afford but call-you-on-your-shit Y/N is 1000% free." I said with a sparkling smile.

Deku was about to reply when his phone buzzed. He smiled softly and quickly texted a reply.

"Shoto?" Yoko asked, pulling out some more pastries from the oven.

"Yea, he told me that Kacchan almost walked into traffic cuz he's on Cloud Nine." He laughed softly.

I pulled out my phone to text him to be careful but then I remembered. I deleted his number. And all of our cute texts. I pursed my lips. It seemed fitting that I have to start over. I should start over. I should romance Katsuki like he romanced me. It was the least I can do. My phone buzzed and I got a message from Deku. I looked at him and he flicked his eyes to the phone. I opened the message and after a few moments I recognized the number he texted me. It's Katsuki's phone number. I looked back at Deku, thinking.

"I...is it alright if I try to earn it from him." I said softly.

Deku put a hand on my shoulder.

"You know that you don't have to earn love right?" He asked. "Kacchan probably is itching to text you already."

"But..."

"You worked hard, really hard to overcome this awful thing. If 'earning it' is something you had to do then you've done it. I watched you do it." Deku said.

"But. The first go around, he put in a lot of effort to make sure I was comfortable and safe and...I want to show him that same effort too. It's not a redemption thing -well okay it definitely is- but its...its also a he..deserves it thing. If that makes sense." I blabbed out, looking away.

"I guess romance isn't dead." Yoko said, pinching my cheek.

I gave her a murderous glare and she gave me a mischievous smirk. Deku handed her some materials off the top shelf as she pulled out another pan. These two have been a well oiled machine ever since they came together on the Fix Y/N project. I handed Yoko some spices so she could get the pastries to taste.

"So if we're in a good place brainwashing wise...then let's get started on a romance action plan!" Yoko said, pumping her flour covered fist in the air.

"I think I can handle that part." I said.

"Oh really, the girl who was struggling to get words out 10 minutes ago, has this on lockdown." She said with a dubious look.

"No I don't, but I do know when I am in fact opening myself for more antics." I grumbled.

"And open you are!!" Yoko cheered. "I've already got the next plot hands down. Operation D.A.T.E."

"What do the letters stand for?" I asked.

"Nothing, I just wanted to spell it out." She said and I groaned.

"Actually before the date we should re-establish rapport right?" Deku said, his hand on his chin.

"Guys I can do that plenty on my own. Literally a customer service person." I said, gesturing to myself.

"Customer service doesn't count as social interaction." Deku and Yoko said at the same time.

"Okay how about this. You guys handle date ideas, I handle the establishing rapport part." I offered in an attempt to get them off my back.

Yoko squealed and turned towards Deku who was already churning with ideas. I sighed and carried on with my duties. A soft smile playing on my features, absolutely genuine for the first time in what felt like forever. Once the end of the day arrived, Yoko waved goodbye to Deku who turned towards me with a smile. I nodded and we started heading up my street. We talked about what's been going on at the agency as well as our respective days when we reached the familiar elevator of my building. I turned towards Deku.

"Thanks...for everything. Like up until now." I said

"Don't thank me, I put you in this mess in the first place." Deku said with a rueful smile.

"You-" I started

"I was controlled yea yea, so were you. I wouldn't have felt right if I just sat there and watched you both struggle. So, thanks for trusting me to help." He said, giving me that boyish smile.

I rolled my eyes and gave him a smile. "You're welcome I guess."

"You're welcome too I guess." He said, his smile growing just a little wider.

"I'll see you later." I said as I turned towards the door.

"See you!" He said cheerfully. Then he paused. "Text Kacchan soon okay? It'll probably help him sleep."

The bags under his eyes were getting horrendous...maybe I should do it tonight? Or am I just justifying not having to work for it...what's the right move?

I walked inside, noticing Iris wasn't home yet. The living room TV played softly in the background. Given that her work laptop was still in the living room, she might've just stepped out. I walked over to turn off the TV when I noticed some stands of long white hair. I guess Iris got a new wig? Considering the original purpose of the wigs, contacts and varying styles was to throw off Hosei, I figured she wouldn't buy anymore. Old habits die hard I guess.

I went into my room and for the first time...I was just tired. No worries, no training (well I'm skipping for today), no despair, no compulsive need to punch anything. I went into my closet and hesitantly pulled out the Dynamight pillow I stitched. It kinda looks like he has some cool scars on his chest if I ignore the bad stitching. I walked over to the bed and laid it beside me, seeing how I felt. Then I picked up the pillow and hugged it, reminiscing on the start of this journey.

-Two weeks ago-

He's not moving. Why is he not moving?? Please be okay please please please.

I was out of the door before I even registered it. I heard Iris yell my name but I was already jumping off the balcony, launching myself at light speed towards the battle. I adjusted my trajectory, pushing myself beyond my limits just to get there in time. The battlefield came into view as the villain picked up a huge chunk of building with his extra arms and threw it at Katsuki. I flung myself in its path, dropping like an asteroid in front of him before focusing the gravity on the middle of concrete, breaking it half before flinging the pieces far on either side of me.

"Who are you?" He roared. "It was just supposed to be Dynamight."

"I'm the person that's gonna make your fucking grave right here bitch." I roared at him, everything floating around me.

The villain examined me closer and laughed. I pulled my eyebrows together before I realized I still had my rudolf the red nosed reindeer pajamas on. I cursed under my breath and sighed. This is embarrassing.

"I remember now you're that girl that trended a while back, the Dynamight groupie." He said after his laughter calmed a bit.

I rolled my eyes. I used my gravity to shove Dynamight and the citizen further back without looking.

"Uh. Yea, have you seen him? He's a fantastic hero." I gestured to the man behind me. "Don't get fucking jealous because you look like an extra in a bad B-movie."

"You better silence yourself before you regret it." He growled.

"The only thing I regret is that people like you even think you can step to me." I shot back.

He roared, bringing a stretching fist down towards me. I dodged around it, not confident in my ability to be able to block it. He swung in various places creating craters wherever he hit. Yea I'm definitely not trying to get hit by that. I floated into the air dodging until a force hit me from the back sending me crashing into the ground. I saw another stretchy fist coming from behind the building.

"That's right, bow before the man who will bring revolution!" He jeered.

I stood up, body aching. "God, you love to hear yourself talk. Shut the fuck up, no one cares." I spat at him.

I launched myself at him, landing a few blows before pulling back. He stumbled around reeling but not as affected as expected. I guess I really haven't recovered my strength yet. God this is so sad. I dodged fist, this time vigilant about the other fists and where they are. One came flying at me and I used the debris to bury and stab it, rendering it immobile.

I dodged a different fist, carefully scanning the area for more. Maybe if I closed in and kicked the side of his head, he'd be out for the count. I felt a hand grab me. My body flew back with the force of a blast as I watched a fist fall where I stood before I'm set next to the civilian. Katsuki.

"You. Stay." He seethed, a vein popping out of his head.

Uh yes sir.

The villain man shot another huge stretchy fist at Katsuki. He easily deflected it to the side and blasted forward, landing a swift kick to his temple, knocking him out. His arm hung oddly like it was tender but his face as he walked back was so furious I was starting to think I needed the handicap. He came within a few feet of us and turned to the lady.

"Can you walk?" He asked with gritted teeth.

She nodded standing up, clearly afraid.

"There's a hospital two streets down. Need an escort?" He grunted.

"No sir, thanks." She said as she scurried away then Katsuki turned his attention to me.

I gulped.

"Wanna tell me what the hell you were thinking?" He asked, murder in his tone.

"I-" I squeaked out.

"Especially when you barely FUCKING RECOVERED FROM HOSEI WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING." He snapped, his hands starting to sizzle.

I jumped a little, not used to him yelling at me.

"What the fuck were you gonna do if you got hurt huh?!" He asked, rage coming out in waves off his body.

But I was angry too.

"Like I was gonna sit back and watch you be done in by THAT loser!" I yelled back.

"I could've handled it." He seethed.

"I cOuLdV'e HaNdLeD iT" I mocked. "What the hell ever dude you were getting the piss kicked out of you!"

"You're so fucking exhausting!" He screamed, turning around letting out blasts in the air.

"I'd rather be annoying than see you dead!" I screamed at him.

"You shouldn't fucking care if I died or not! That's literally the whole issue!" He yelled back.

"What the fuck ever then! Don't believe me, I don't give a shit. Just get it together!" I yelled before turning around to fly home.

I landed in front of my door muttering to myself expletives as I stripped off my clothes and hopped in the shower. I winced as I brushed over a bruise from where I got hit. The pain radiated out of the wound and faded as I left it alone. This sucked. I'm still pissed and I didn't have work today. I pulled out my phone and texted the group chat.

Y/N:

I need a distraction. Like cross-faded at a theme park level.

Kira:

Considering you just fought with Dynamight on live TV I totally believe it.

It was live? Fuuuuuuuck.

I searched up Dynamight and saw a bunch of articles popping up about Dynamight having a lover's quarrel. People are already memeing about my pajamas. And making jokes.

Yu:

My favorite tweet about it so far is this.

They sent an image of me edited in that one Jojo meme where Dio and Jotaro stand off. It's hilarious and that pisses me off.

Y/N:

Please don't say I'm trending

Ori:

You're uhh......a popular topic. Btw this one's my favorite

Ori sent a tweet. The caption was: 'The face of a generation." And it was a picture of me getting smacked by the fist.

Y/N:

ANYWAY DISTRACTIONS PLEASE.

Yu:

We were thinking about going bowling. Wanna come?

Kira:

I'll bring edibles and we can get a little high to add some spice?

Y/N:

Im in.

We talked for a bit more until we decided on which bowling place. I changed my clothes and walked into the living room where Iris was typing on her computer. Her work glasses, reflecting the piles and piles of data she was analyzing.

"Hey, do you have a high caseload?" I asked.

"Yea, it's gonna be busy busy...why?" She said, glancing up from the screen.

"We're all going to the bowling alley to distract me from the fact I appeared in Christmas pajamas on national television." I said.

"Aw man the memes are...." She looked at my expression. "Not funny. Unbearable. Nothing is sacred anymore."

"No, I actually think they're funny too." I grumbled.

"Thank God because I've been retweeting them for the past 10 minutes." She said, smiling.

I gave her a rueful smile and then headed out the door. After a while, I arrived at a 90's themed bowling alley. I dressed to match the place because I really wanted an excuse to tie a shirt or something around my waist. I walked down a couple lanes and Ori waved me down. All of them dressed in 90s attire. Kyra handed me a gummy and I popped it in my mouth.

"Alright, are we doing teams or a free for all?" I asked.

"Teams and you're on mine love." Ori said putting his arm around me.

"Fine. Yu and I got this anyway." Kira said fist-bumping Yu.

"Our team name is...One-Shot." She said. "Kira's good at shooting and I'm good at KO's

"Alright." I said. "Then our name is Ori-hime. My old stage name, Ori's name is literally in it and we're both pretty as fuck."

"Damn right!" Ori said, tying his hair back and earning the attention of some bowlers in the next lane.

"Pretty sure there were ugly princesses." Kira laughed.

"Not in this room there ain't." I replied on my way to get my shoes.

We bowled for a few sessions, literally neck and neck laughing as the gummies kicked in. Our shots were worse but the fun we were having leveled it out. We eventually ordered two greasy pizzas to share.

"Hey...am I crazy or does that guy look kinda familiar?" Yu whispered.

We looked over our shoulder to see someone in a mask and a hat walk in. He searched around until he saw us and walked over. He crouched down directly in front of me. Then he pulled his mask down. It was Deku? How did he know I was here?

"Can I talk to you for a second please?" He asked just above the music.

"Um, sure." I answered.

He pulled his mask up, gesturing to the dining area. I followed him, not addressing my friends' curious stares. Honestly, I wish I asked Kira for another half so I could be totally out of it for this conversation. He sat down at a table and I followed suit, waiting for him to speak. He pulled the mask down, giving me a shy smile.

"Hey Y/N." He said softly.

"Hi." I responded, scared about what happens next.

"I wanted to apologize...honestly for everything but especially what happened yesterday." He said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"No, I mean you wanted to do something for your friend, I get it." I said quickly.

"No matter what, blackmailing you into visiting Katsuki was a bad call." He said softly. "Regardless of the circumstances."

"Well, I'm not gonna judge on bad calls. I've made quite a few of my own lately." I said.

"About that..." He trailed off. "I'm not happy with what happened the day we arrested Hosei but I was never truly mad. Well mad enough to need atoning for. Honestly after I was able to calm down, I felt a ton of guilt." He said.

What?

My eyes widened.

"I felt it was cosmic payback for putting you in Hosei's hands. For making the mistakes that led to this outcome." He continued sadly, his eyes dimming a bit.

"Deku, you were being controlled. There's literally nothing you could've done about that." I said, eyes softening.

"Even before then, I suspected you. I thought you and Iris were up to something." He said, squeezing his fists.

"Again you were led to believe that. It was the whole plan." I said to him.

"And afterwards...you're still hurting regardless of who orchestrated it; you're hurting because of my actions."

"I know you'd never actually wish this on me so I don't hold it against you." I said.

"You're way too nice..." Deku said under his breath.

I tilted my head at him. Deku gave me a kind smile as he considered what he was about to say.

"Why are you so kind to others but not yourself?" He asked delicately.

I froze.

"I suspected it, when you appeared in the shops and wouldn't look our way. Then when we asked you to come to the agency it kind of confirmed what Kacchan's been saying." He explained. "You tell everyone but yourself to not take responsibility for things they didn't cause."

I looked down, sinking into my seat. Being so blatantly read felt uncomfortable.

"Because I deserve the blame." I said miserably.

"Kaminari felt that way." He pointed

"He really didn't deserve it." I replied

"Neither do you." He said

"Yes I do." I insisted. "I hurt...really really good people. I tried to hurt you, I damn near killed Shoto. And...I'm hurting Katsuki. I'm really hurting him." I said softly.

Deku gently placed a hand under my chin and lifted my head up so I could meet his eyes. His kind forgiving eyes.

"You still love him right?" Deku said softly.

"Yea." My voice cracked. "More than anything."

"He loves you too." He said.

"I wish he didn't." I murmured.

Deku looked at the bowling lanes for a moment then turned back to me.

"The real reason why I didn't respond to your text, besides guilt and shame, was because we were speeding up the process to get Hosei in jail. The longer he was around people, the more likely he could manipulate and hurt people. Because even without his quirk, he knows how to twist hearts. " He looked at me pointedly.

I looked away, guilt gnawing at me.

"I'm not saying that to shame you. I'm saying he's a master manipulator. He pissed off the cops arresting him so bad they almost forgot to read his rights. Then he tried to goad them into collecting illegal evidence before we stopped them." He said, listing off the incidents on his fingers. "He's just really good at what he does."

I looked back at Deku, taking in what he said.

"Kacchan personally made sure all the paperwork was spotless and completed ASAP. He wanted to be able to tell you as soon as possible that Hosei could never bother you again." Deku said.

He did that for me? No wonder they all looked so tired.

"I heard from Yoko the effort you've been putting in to prevent damage in your interactions." Deku said.

"You and Yoko talk?" I asked.

"We've ummm been coordinating efforts to try to help with the Brainwash situation." He said apologetic.

"You suggested the storytelling thing didn't you?" I asked and Deku nodded.

"She suggested the training room scenario. Saying that it would help you realize it's not as hopeless as you thought. But that backfired." Deku sighed.

Astronomically but....it did actually help me realize something.

"Not completely. I realized during that time, that...I still deeply cared about Katsuki. That there is a limit to the programming. That I respect him at least deep down." I said hesitantly as if testing the words to see if they're true.

And they were. I respected and cared about Katsuki at my core. Hosei couldn't change that. Deku watched this breakthrough with a smile.

"Shoto and I've been thinking of a theory. About how to help. You might have to tell us the finer details of the brainwashing though." He said apologetically.

"Do you think I even have the right?" I asked, begging him with my eyes to be honest. "Do I even deserve that?

To get better.

To be rid of this tension.

To eventually try to be with Katsuki again?

"This may be selfish but, I think for Kacchan's sake you should at least try." He said. "I don't think the case with any of us is about rights. The only one who's to truly blame is Hosei." He said, eyes narrowing.

"He's your best friend. Do you really want me dating him?" I asked.

"He loves you so much." Deku said, my heart soared at hearing that. I tried not to show it on my face but his smile says he noticed. "And you love him. So it's not about me."

He's not saying that he wants me to date him.

"Plus you're literally the only person he's dated that made him into an actual texter." Deku said, still amazed. "And he like...cracked a joke once I think. Incredible."

I laughed in response.

"I also hurt him when I was in Hosei's trance so I'm not feeling like I get to be the gatekeeper of who he dates." He said. "But if you want my opinion anyway, I think you're the only option worth considering. I think you two are wonderful together."

My cup started to float and I pulled it down. We're wonderful together? I thought so too. I mean obviously not lately but we were. We were wonderful.

I miss him.

"So. Do you think you can try with us?" He asked, offering his hand.

I think of the last few days. How I never actually gave myself the space to think about forgiveness. How I've catastrophized the whole situation. How hard Katsuki in spite of all the hurt tried his hardest for me. How I focused on reducing harm instead of fully fixing it. How much I kind of just gave up immediately. But 20 minutes talking to Deku and I felt hope that maybe I could. Maybe things could be better --no great between us once more. I smiled, tears running down my face at finally being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He really is the symbol of hope. I took his hand and shook it.

"Absolutely." I replied.

Deku stood up, giving me a slight bow before walking out of the bowling alley. I returned to my friends still crying and they stood up, ready to fight.

"Where the fuck is he?" Yu seethed, looking around for Deku.

"I'll get his legs and then you pummel him." Kira said pointing to Ori who nodded.

"No guys!" I choked out, crying more because my friends were willing to defend me. "He helped me alot and I'm just really happy right now." I said.

They froze, processing what I said for a moment. Then they visibly relaxed.

"Oh...in that case c'mere!" Yu said, giving me a huge hug.

Kira and Ori joined in and a fuzzy feeling filled my heart. The warmth of this moment. We eventually broke off, eating the cheap pizza and continuing the game. Team One-Shot won but at this point the competitive air was gone. We were just happy to be there. We bowled a few more games until we all parted ways. My phone buzzed and I fished it out of my pocket.

Iris:

Did Deku help?

Y/N:

So it was you who told him.

Iris:

I figured symbol of hope could uhh shed some hope.

Y/N:

Your next meal is on me. I fucking love you so much.

Iris:

So he did help!

Y/N:

So much. So so much.

Iris:

I'm so glad.

I boarded the train and once I got off, I couldn't wait. I took off and after a few minutes landed in front of my door. I unlocked the door, threw off my shoes and hugged Iris who after a moment of adjustment hugged me back.

"I love you." I said, cheerfully.

"I love you too." She replied, adjusting her glasses.

I went to my room, trying to gear myself for possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do yet. Deku sent me a list of options in ways to train myself to break out of this thing. He even offered to help in tandem with Yoko to ease me through the worst of it. Steeling myself with a motivating mantra, I got ready for bed. I pulled the covers over my body not allowing any other thoughts but success fill my mind as I drifted off to sleep. Just before I slept I realized that this whole day, I could think of him as Katsuki. Not Dynamight. Katsuki. The man I loved so so dearly my heart ached. I wanted to go even further. Improve even more.

I vow to try.

No, I vow to succeed.

-Present-

And I did, I actually did. It was so hard and I still have a lot of work to do behind the scenes to maintain it but I did it. I pulled out my phone hovering over Deku's text.

It's my job to establish rapport right?

I bit my lip going back and forth before sending a picture of the Dynamight pillow to Katsuki.

Y/N:

He's out of the doghouse.

I was contemplating my next text and honestly wondering if I made the wrong move when a text came in.

Unknown:

Doghouse must've been rough, I see some new scars here and there.

Y/N:

It's a harsh world in the doghouse, not many survive.

Unknown:

You're telling me.

I bit my lip, wondering what to respond when he suddenly called. I watched it vibrate a couple times before answering. I hesitated, mentally trying to calm down when I said a small hello.

"Hi." He said, sounding equally as hesitant.

"Hi..." I repeated back. "Wait shit I said that."

He gave a soft laugh.

"Um...how have you been?" I asked

"Good. I just got my girl back." He said, a smile in his tone.

My body heated up as a goofy smile threatened to pull at my lips.

"Yea? Crazy thing. Similar thing happened except I kinda made a fool of myself in front of my boyfriend."

He sucked in a breath, I froze. Did I fuck up?

"Could...could you say it again?" He asked.

"Which thing?"

"Boyfriend. My name...all of it." He said softly.

"I can probably do you one better maybe." I said, preparing myself to do what will probably be a never ending pattern of being sappy.

Naturally I struggled but, I reminded myself that Katsuki is worth it. And that I already promised myself I was gonna be the sappiest bitch alive to make up for all the shit I put him through.

"I love you Katsuki." I said pouring my all into it. "And I promise I'll make you feel like the luckiest dude alive for sticking with me after all this."

"I already do." He said, his voice carefully settling into his happiness.

It was awkward and stilted but we talked for hours. About little things. Favorite movies, games, pet peeves all of it. It was like I was remapping every detail of him that I missed so dearly. Storing those little facts and etching it into my heart as he was doing the same. Eventually I heard him start to drift to sleep. I tried hanging up but he wanted me to keep talking, so I did. When I heard soft snores in the background, I couldn't bring myself to hang up. I put my phone on the charger and I listened to his soft breaths until I slept, a new vow in my heart.

I will cherish you for as long as I can. For all my days if you'd let me.