#this guy has less back pain and more braincells than me despite it all

[betweentheracks]

Updates//Recent Inactivity

Hello all! This is me finally taking some time to sit down and offer up a rundown on how life is currently going as a means of explaining my inactivity. This is a personal post that is guaranteed to be both rambling and emotional so if that is not your cup of tea, I understand and happily advise you just skip over this post as it is not relevant to the actual content this blog was intended for.

EDITED: After reading this back I now realize this is really just me spilling the tea on my own life and is laughably dishy in details which is extremely not my usual stance on my personal privacy. But idk, it was cathartic so I'm leaving it as is despite the urge to redact 70% of what I say.

I'll start with the good news that I am officially out of lockdown and have remained COVID-19 free since my return home from the hospital. This also means my son finally was allowed to come home to me which is dazzling and exciting and also a little terrible too. He's at a precocious age where tantrums are the cool way to communicate and having been gone for so long completely thrashing his established routine has caused friction. He came home and his parent was not the same as when he left; is much weaker and less energetic than before, paler and shaky - but also there's the addition of my best friend having moved in to assist and take care of me/him while we all do our best to muddle through.

The readjustment has been rough and a lot of this week has made me incredibly thankful to have practically zero memory of how I was as a child. There have been injuries: I have been whacked in the face with the metal cover for a floor vent while dozing on the sofa instead of paying rapt attention to whatever silliness he was showing off to me, there was his complete dismissal of me asking him to stay back and away from the hot oven as I pulled lunch from it's fiery jaws only to then be faced with a toddler quickly approaching with his hand raised to touch so I naturally made a move to block him and in the process I let go of the oven door which slammed upward and clamped my arm tightly between it and the inside cavern of the oven while it was set to a roasty 400 degrees Fahrenheit - earning me a mangled arm with burns of varying degrees, and then we also had that fit where it seemed like a much more grand idea to scale the babygate cordoning the stairs and I had to rush up them to stop him from tumbling face first down two flights and of course did the falling all on my own and did it backwards then slammed painfully into the wall of the landing. This all happened within a 48hr time frame and makes me wonder why I am so catastrophically inclined.

I have bruises that range the majority of my spine courtesy of the wall and stairs, two minor first degree burns on my forearm that are in the shape of an equals and quite large despite the lack of actual pain I feel from them, and the underside of my forearm was instantly blistered then popped then melted down into a horrid glob of skin mush and sticky red-orange and is a second degree burn that I have been assured is no real cause for concern as long as I tend it with care. In all, I managed to escape my momjuries relatively unscathed and with a child that was scared senseless at having hurt his momma and is quick to listen and never stops cuddling me in the time since. Here's hoping he isn't significantly traumatized from this since exactly none of this is especially his fault and is due to my clumsy, accident-prone status in life.

So yes, The Toddler has returned home to me and after some happenings we have settled and are happy. However, his blast from the past father has suddenly just decided to reemerge after more than a year of radio silence and static and has slapped me with a custody petition. Hooray. While I have no worries on this matter due to my mother working for one of the top custody lawyers in the state and snagging him as my representation, and the utter lack of competency on my estranged baby daddy's end clearly being displayed in literally anything and everything the idiot does/says, I do have to now go through the overhaul of a custody case and that is just so weak and exhaustive. Not to mention the basis of his claims that I am not fit to raise a child are founded in my health concerns and the crazy work schedule I keep; ironically, my health is making it so that I have much less insane hours and makes this fairly moot but to each their own I guess. Also worth noting on this matter is that he only did this now because he was recently placed under penalty for child support back pay and nothing in this world matters to him like his money and this is his special way of getting one over on me for tampering with his meager earnings. (He's a wannabe musician - the soundcloud rapper sort, just so we are all on the same page here). If I thought for even a second this was a genuine desire to be an active and stable parent I would be a lot less pressed to act in favor of making it legally binding that he can only see him under a supervisory condition and share time evenly, but it just is not believable in the slightest.

So the thing is - my health is actually quite dismal presently. I'm due in for open heart surgery on the 8th of April and until then I have been doing my utmost to mind all the nagging I get from doctors, PT specialists, the surgeons that will be slicing and dicing me, and my in-family medical practitioner that sometimes remembers he is also my brother and not just an MD. But like, you guys, this surgery is terrifying and technically is two surgeries rolled into one. They'll be cracking my chest open and then stopping my heart while they lift it from where it sits sweetly unhinged and lopsided in my body and very finely shave away some of the excess muscle that has built up around the wall of my heart as well as some unfriendly scar tissue that has lingered since my last surgery years ago. Granted there is no accidental slip that nicks my ugly gargantuan heart and renders me as good as dead, once this first part is finished the other surgeon will need to be deft and very quick to place this ventricular assisting piece in the valve that has all but given up on functioning altogether and do so in the time remaining before the time limit for my heart being essentially unplugged from by body is up, which would also feasibly mean my death. Lots of exciting and terrible sounding consequences, am I right?

Well let's bear it in mind that I am just below 30 in age and therefore not duly experienced in the realm of facing down my own mortality via making all necessary legal arrangements and managing my affairs and assets so that, in event of my untimely death, the custody case still doesn't stand a chance of snatching my son away to the sad misfortune of being raised by a man that has stated openly he only has interest in his kids so far as what they can do for him/get for him in terms of benefit and that he would be unwilling to be hypocritical and never deter his children from drugs and a lifestyle of extremely questionable moral integrity and hygiene alike. Eugh. But I also have had to make sure there is a DNR in place just in case things go wrong during the operation, my will has also been finalized and notarized, all my savings and financial/material assets have been squared away to come into my child's inheritance when he is of age and, most importantly, a document that states clear and direct instructions for him to be placed in care of my mother or, if she is unwilling or incapable, he will be under custodial order and guardianship of my best friend whom he has always viewed as a pseudo-dad anyway. Legally binding and even in light of the paternity petition this document supersedes parental right by way of the provided evidence I have submitted to prove a lack of parental credibility. That's right, I spent days lowkey stalking and sleuthing about to capture what I needed to show this man for what he actually is and I have precisely zero guilt or shame for doing it; this is my child on the line and that means momma doesn't have to play by the rules of snitches getting stitches or whatever other scary street rules he tosses at me as idle threats. (He's done this routinely for all the years I have known him, and it is somehow both pathetic and hilarious because he knows for a fact that, if I wanted, I could throttle him in less time than it would take for him to form a rational thought between his drug soaked braincells - I was also a person of less than savory character not too long ago and can handle myself very well. But I digress because I am losing my track of thought.

After the surgery I will have so damn much PT and rehab, all of which will be specific to varying parts of my body that will need to be reworked and strengthened. Weeks, months of it really. This surgery is major and hits heavy enough that I will be in the hospital for at least 10-14 days just recovering from it without taking into consideration any number of complications that could pop up. Hell, if they get in there and find a situation worse than they currently have an understanding of in the limited capacity of cardiology tech can provide of such a gnarled beastly heart and realize they can't really do anything with it after all, I'll be added to the transplant list. I think this is more daunting to consider than the surgery, honestly.

In that way that doctors have about them, I was "comforted" by being informed that this was an inevitability and I would have been faced with this in a matter of years - less than a handful actually - but the way COVID-19 chewed through me sped it up. I'm sure my years of substance issues were also very helpful in this endeavor, but either way I still am unsure whether I feel better knowing this or not? Mostly I think I feel conflicted and hopeful tempered with the caution of life being super shady in the ways it has often brought me to the doorsteps of dying in situations that seem like odd chance. I also am gifted with being so capable in jinxing myself that I brought myself to COVID-19 ("The way life is going I'll probably square up with Rona next week or some bullshit." Positive test flagged within the following week) and also into labor ("Watch me go into labor on Labor Day since that would be the sort of universal pun that would strike my bad penny having ass." Indeed hatched my youngling on Labor Day of that year) by saying some things within the scope of my bad humor that instantly manifested as reality so I'm not taking any risks here lol.

The gist is that life is really stirring up the winds over here and so I haven't been online and posting anything that would make my blog valid in a fat minute. I do apologize for this and also for the fact that this post took me nearly a week to type up, but when things calm a little I will be back in full. For the time being I will be sporadic and do what I can when I can!

Thanks to anyone that read this mess all the way here! And a big thank you to all of you still supporting me!

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜

Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.

Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒

Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)

So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.

Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.

Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.

Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?

Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were  badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.

Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.

Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :))))))))))  Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest. 

Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory!  So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging.  Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo.  From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone.  Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do.  She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece.  Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes.  So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend.  I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.

Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.

Athenodora:  Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.

Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme.  i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.

Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(

Afton:  Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input!  SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well. 

(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)

Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction.  I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!

(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)

Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.

Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.

[gffa]

Tagged by @generallkenobi Rules: name ten favorite characters from ten things, then tag ten people. 1. Star Wars - Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker - mmffffmmmfffff, no, you can’t make me choose!  I know it seems like I’m probably a bigger fan of Obi-Wan’s, but honestly as much time as I spend thinking about and yelling about Anakin Skywalker, I’m pretty sure they’re tied.  I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, sobs.  I love Obi-Wan because he’s what I aspire to be, someone who is reserved but shows a depth of feeling at the same time, who has his shit together even when the worst happens, he still finds a way to keep getting back up, and still is kind to the galaxy, finds the good in people. Meanwhile, Anakin Skywalker is someone I see so much of myself in, all that messy noise in my head, the anxiety and depression that I read into his character, the fear of rejection that I’ve experienced on a bone-deep level, the disastrous choices he makes are ones that I feel come from a place where I understand what led him to them, and the fear of how hard it is to look within myself and really face myself, that I avoided it for a lot of years because it was too terrifying.  I trash talk him a lot and I yell about the shitty choices he made, but it’s never without the understanding that I feel I understand why he made them and why they resonate so powerfully with me. 2. Sailor Moon - Tsukino Usagi - My forever girl!  Usagi’s journey, especially in the manga, as someone who was emotionally fragile and would rather die than live without her special people, to someone who stands up and says, no, this time I’ll be the one to save them!  That her journey being told, from that fragile person to that strong person, was worth the telling, that her starting point was worthwhile, not something to be derided, that the journey itself, the back and forth progress of it, that it wasn’t just a straight line, is one that has incredible meaning to me, as someone who has struggled with similar things. 3.  Tolkien’s Legendarium - Thranduil - I was totally won over by Lee Pace’s portrayal in the movies, despite my frustration with the way he was written.  Part of it is that I’ve always loved the Elves (let me yell about how much I love Thingol, it’s ridiculous) and I love the connections he has to my favorite groups (I love the Sindarin Elves so muuuuuuch, I cry, even as I love the Noldor and Vanyar, too, like, I will fight a man for Finrod, okay, oh, and Fingolfin deserves the world!! and my problematic fave Maedhros ;__;) and I love his relationship with Legolas (or the potential of it that fandom runs with much better than the movies did), but mostly it’s that he’s a king who loves his people and chose them and they loved him in return for it. 4. Bleach - Inoue Orihime - I have a weakness for characters who doubt themselves, but find a core of strength in being kind and loving.  That Orihime has this tremendous power, that she could have been the most OP of the entire cast, but thoroughly rejected the idea of using it for violence, and instead only for healing, for kindness, cemented her as one of my forever loves.  She can be so silly and loopy and ridiculous, she can be “weak” in the way she cries and reaches out for people, she has trouble letting other people see the truth of her sometimes, but when it counted, she refused to break and instead chose to be kind.  I love her so very much. 5. Marvel - Thor - Thor is one of my favorites because the galaxy dumped a whole lot of shit on him and he refused to let it make him be less than he was.  Well, at least until Endgame, but we don’t talk about that movie.  (And even then it wasn’t that he stumbled, it was how they treated his depression, as one long joke, that makes me RRrrhhhaaggghh about it.)  He grieved for everything he lost, including his brother, but he also refused to let Loki walk all over him, that he missed his brother, wished he could trust him, but wouldn’t let Loki’s pain rewrite what actually happened.  The conversation on the skiff in Svartalfheim alone is why The Dark World is a movie I will always defend, “Who put me there [in the cell]!?”  "You damn well know who!”  YOU TELL HIM, THOR.  That care + refusing to be budged on what was right, yes, that’s my guy right there. 6. Gravitation - Yuki Eiri - As dumb as this show was (and the manga even more so, but I enjoy the show more), as much as it was a silly BL show, I loved this character for being there for me when I needed him.  Someone who had all this anger and hurt inside him, this depression that constantly ate at him, that he pushed people away because he couldn’t stand to let go of it, and it didn’t matter that there were people who loved him who wanted to help him, that a simple hug didn’t fix him, that it could help, but it couldn’t make him magically better--that was something I really needed when I watched the show.  That depression and the rage it could cause wasn’t something a hug could fix.  That he had to be willing to start opening up to people again, to risking more hurt, and that it wouldn’t be easy--I really, really needed that message at the time I got it, and I will always be thankful to that dumb show for giving it to me. 7. Steven Universe - Pink Diamond - Did you know that one of my favorite things in the world is hot mess lady characters?  I love them sooooooo much, like, you give me a lady who did questionable things but we’re still meant to find her sympathetic and her story worth telling?  I AM THERE.  And Pink just slammed her way into my heart with everything she’d faced, the terrible things the other Diamonds put her through, that she had to change on her own, that she never had a Steven there to help her, she had to realize everything by herself, and that she wasn’t perfect at it, that she hurt people in the way she stumbled forward, yet there was a person there who loved and cared deeply?  I love her forever. 8. Adventure Time - Princess Bubblegum - Nerdy science princess who is the sole possessor of a single braincell on the show and yet is just as batshit as the rest of them?  The one character who looked at all the wild shit that happened in Ooo and said, sometimes you gotta prepare for the worst or do things that aren’t nice because otherwise we’ll all die?  But never stopped caring about her people or the rest of the world and listened to others and tried her best to help?  And had this complicated, fraught relationship with Marceline which is one of the best “f/f doesn’t always have to be nice” relationships that I’ve gotten to consume?  I LOVE HERRRRR. 9. Mo Dao Zu Shi/The Untamed - Lan Wangji - I am weak to his character type, okay!  Reserved, talented, driven up the wall by the genius brat that bugs the shit out of him but also he loves them the most in the world, and utterly devoted to them?  YEAH THAT SOUNDS LIKE MY TYPE.  Also, Wang Yibo is so good-looking in the drama, oh my god. 10. Fruits Basket - Honda Tohru - Another character who refused to let the crap piled on her make her any less kind to the world.  She goes through so much and yet never stops loving people and finding sympathy for them, she never stops reaching out her hand.  While she’s never expected to do this, she’s never obligated to do so, there are plenty of characters in the series that are understandably angry and closed off that aren’t judged for being that way, that Tohru chooses to be open and loving, no matter how much she’s hurt for it, is a wonderful counterbalance.  And I am forever grateful that she got the family she wanted, she got the guy she wanted to fall in love with, she got to meet all these people she cared about and they cared about her in return, and she was stronger in her love than any of them were in their fear, anger, or hate.  I LOVE HER FOREVER. Tagging:  DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE sobs

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Down by the fishing hole

The guys from Airy are back for a fishing tourney and more musical fun times! Joining them are Franny and little Ellie May, both who are enjoying the camp very much. It's been forever since I've seen the two so it's been great catching up with them.

Ellie May's full of spirit, she's a lot like her dad and aunt. I'm surprised that she kinda remembered me a little from when I last visited Airy, which was maybe four or five years ago - not too long before I came to the camp so around that time period. She was probably around two as she was walking and talking by then.

Sam says that Ellie May couldn't wait to come to the camp so she's been marking down the days until the tourney on the calendar. It's no surprise that she's into the great outdoors like her parents. At home she would tag along with Sam, Buddy, and Storm on their fishing trips at Sawyer Lake right outside town. And like the guys, Ellie May has a knack for fishing.

Franny's a bit of an outlier as she's not an avid fisher, but she does like hanging out with the guys. Though it's more so she can keep an eye on them. Buddy and Storm have a way of attracting trouble while Ellie May has Sam wrapped around her finger so it's up to Franny to be a couple steps ahead when their antics drive them up a wall.

What I love about Franny is that on the outside she looks like the kind of person who's got her shit together - the sole braincell of the gang. Independent, intelligent, creative, badass - there's a reason why she's a force to be reckoned with. Though on the inside she's just as crazy and eccentric as the others - and that's why everyone looks up to her.

While fishing, we got to talking about what's been going on in Airy. Ellie May's on the soccer team at school and taking piano lessons with a neighbor. Sam and Franny's dad is semi-retiring from the Airy Gazette, which is slowly phasing out newspapers to go completely online by next year. The community choir album is progressing while In Hopes and Dreams is a hit, prompting Storm to work on recording more music. Buddy's running the gas station/auto shop as usual. Franny is filling prescriptions and keeping up with current events. Sam's balancing town council and home life as well as dabbling as a songwriter.

Airy's one of those small towns that has adapted and changed over years while still retaining its heart. People like Franny, Sam, Ellie May, and Buddy are rooted firmly to their town, their families having been there for generations. Franny and Sam's grandpa, Andy Beryl, was a well known townfolk. He was the good samaritan, the kind of guy who takes the time to help others and actively worked to make the town a better place. There's a plaque in the courthouse dedicated to him in the office where he worked - it was brand new when I last visited.

We also got to talking about Andy Beryl a bit as it's been almost ten years since his passing. Imagine if he had lived a few more years he would've gotten to know Ellie May. Sam and Franny speak highly of him, talking about fond memories of him telling stories of the shenanigans he and his friends got up to in town. Among his friends included Buddy and Storm's grandpa, who was also known for getting into sticky situations that involved Andy stepping in to save the day.

Being part of the town council, Sam and Franny feel a sense of responsibility for the town. Since taking on the role of head council, Sam has kinda followed in his grandpa's footsteps - even mirroring his life in a way. Along with being the go-to person in town, Sam, like Andy, is also a single parent who's trying their best. The Beryls hold pride in their family name but at the same time avoid putting it up on a pedestal. After all, they're regular folks just like everyone else - something that seems to get muddled over the years but the message's clear enough. They have a legacy that they're proud of and want to keep it up, to make things even better for the next generation.

Speaking of generations, what's interesting about Airy is how different things were thirty years ago. During Andy's time, the town was mostly white - English, Irish, Scottish, German - most who have been living there for generations. Now most of the people in Airy are mixed, mainly white and Asian like the present company. Sam and Franny's father, Andy's son, married his college sweetheart, a Cambodian immigrant. As a result, Sam and Franny grew up with a mix of both cultures and know how to speak Khmer. It's fun seeing them bickering in their second language, because even if you don't understand what they're saying, at least you get what's going on.

(Also I'm lowkey jealous of how well they speak Khmer. I can barely hold a basic conversation, plus my pronunciation totally butchers the language. They say theirs isn't that great either but compared to mine, it's nothing. Sorry Mom, I'm trying but Khmer is hard.)

And as for Ellie May, her mom, Ellie, was born from Mexican immigrants. Ellie's parents visit often so Ellie May's picked up Spanish from them, making her trilingual. It seems early, but her grandparents want Ellie May to have a quinceañera, though before we know it, that day will come soon! It's good to see Ellie May proud of her heritages as well as showing off her impressive language skills!

Again, I find it interesting how much the demographic? culture? of Airy has shifted so much over the past 30-40 years, which is basically Sam, Franny, Buddy, and Storm's generation. Pretty much everyone around their age is born from a longtime Airy townfolk and an immigrant. I wonder how much more Airy will change with Ellie May's generation.

In between fishing sessions, we did a bunch of fun activities. Buddy was in his element at OK Motors tinkering with engines. He's a bit unconventional when it comes to fixing cars but he's got his ways. Storm messed around with engines too while looking for songwriting inspiration. He and Sam have written a couple songs over the past few weeks so they'll be dropping by the island in the near future to record. I'm happy that Storm's getting back into writing music, especially now that things are finally working out in his favor in terms of creative control.

Franny and Ellie May enjoy hiking and foraging, they've gathered a lot of berries so we're gonna be making something with them. We're debating on whether to make a pie or a bunch of little tarts - either one sounds good. Sam brought his guitar, prompting spontaneous jam sessions throughout the camp. Like Storm, he's been getting into music too, especially since discovering his talent as a lyricist. We've heard live performances of the new songs - Out of Reach, Dandelions, and Where the Ferns Grow - all which sounded fantastic. Hopefully there's more where that came from.

Since working on In Hopes and Dreams, Sam has also been seeing a counselor. With the song being about grief and loss and now that Ellie May's become more curious about her mom, Sam finally realized that he needed help. Talking about Ellie has been difficult but he knew that he can't keep avoiding it forever, especially for Ellie May's sake. I haven't known Ellie for long but her absence is felt, which I think says a lot about her.

While the others fished, Franny collected seashells and took a bunch of pics. Sam managed to catch a lot of doubles as well as a shark during the off hours. Despite almost getting yeeted in the middle of the ocean, he managed to drag the shark to shore - with our help, of course. Ellie May drew a cute sticker for him that says "I fought a shark and won!" with a funny doodle to go with it, which he stuck on his jacket for all to see. The two have such a sweet bond, it's fun seeing Sam carry Ellie May up on his shoulders as they laugh and run around the camp.

Earlier today we took a short hike along the thornberry trail behind the camp. That probably wasn't the best idea as the path's kinda narrow and we had to watch out for thorns. Sam had to go after Ellie May, who was running around, and both ended up stuck in a bramble bush. Thankfully their injuries are nothing serious, but they looked painful. As soon as they took off, Franny knew that something like that was gonna happen as both have a tendency to be too curious while easily distracted. It doesn't matter how grown up you are, the older sibling never stops being the caretaker for the younger one.

Just for the record, Ellie May was a lot braver than Sam - and she has more scrapes and bumps than him. Though for him, it's less the pain and more that the sight of blood puts him off. There's a reason why Franny followed their mom's footsteps to study medicine and he didn't.

Aside from that little mishap, everything else has been going well. Franny, Daisy Jane and Norma made fish pies that turned out great. They're basically like seafood chowders with a puff pastry layer on top. Stu and Buddy helped Reese and Cyrus build a gazebo that's ready to paint so that's what we're gonna do tomorrow. Storm, Candi, and Tipper hung out at Sunbust Island and harvested coconuts to make smoothies. Sam and Ellie May helped me run errands while sightseeing and stocking up on supplies. Just another fun and busy day at the camp!

In between those activities, we met up at the beach for another round of fishing. The tourney fish seem to gravitate towards the area near the cliff so we called that spot the fishing hole. It's a nice area to be situated in, kind of like our own little nook in the ocean.

[minecraftoworymode]

picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder​: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

[sweetheartjeongguk]

rosy cheeks

pairing: namjoon x reader

genre: fluff, a sliver of angst, parents au 

rating: pg-13 (cursing)

warning(s): mentions of sex, language, namjoon gets his feelings hurt a little bit

word count: 2.4k+

summary: a tale in which two newly-wed 24 year olds tackle parenthood. 

a/n: i just wanted to post a cute little story for namjoon’s birthday! hope you enjoy, sorry if it’s a little short! 

masterlist

If you told your 13-year-old self that you were going to marry your middle school sweetheart and get knocked up less than 2 months after the wedding, you’d probably run out screaming about some crazy lady spewing nonsense about the nerdy kid that sits at the “nerd” table during lunch and stole your cheeseburger.

Truth be told, the 13-year-old you was an asshole so maybe it would have served you right to smack you headfirst with a major glimpse of your future.

But there’s no doubt in your mind that you wouldn’t have believed that you wouldn’t have married Namjoon. After all, he was your first love and after declaring his love for you (of course, after your little cheeseburger debacle) through numerous hand-written letters and personal songs sung just for you, you know that he’ll be your last.

That’s why you approach the pregnancy situation with a light yet fluttery heart. The night the two of you had sex – you knew that you didn’t have a condom with you. Since you two of you are already married, it kind of seems like a no-brainer. Namjoon used to be a major stickler for condoms (even though you had to work a little bit harder since latex isn’t Little Namjoon’s most favorite thing in the world), but he seemed to forget all about that after you finally got hitched.

One night when you come home from work just before your husband, you decide to put together a cute little box filled with little candies and chocolates that you know Namjoon adores before adding the picture of the ultrasound underneath the mass of confectionery. Namjoon stares at you warily when you hand him the box, knowing full-well that his birthday wasn’t for a couple weeks and you (despite trying your best to act nonchalant) buy his gift the day of.

“You’re kind of scaring me, babe,” Namjoon says jokily, but there’s a hint of hesitation in his tone. “don’t tell me they’re divorce papers. I told you I’d fix the toilet when I get to it.”

“Babe, no, that’s not it.” You laugh but stop abruptly at the last bit of information. “Also, I’m holding you against that last part. This is why you don’t invite your drunk friends over because all they do is break things and forget to flush their shit down the toilet.”

“Alright, alright…” Namjoon waves a passive hand before going to open the box.

You bite your lip in anticipation as he rips open the cardboard and stares into the space filled with sugary goodness. His eyes light up in happiness at the little Ryan-themed candies and the rich chocolate he came to love when the two of you went abroad to Europe and spent the whole day eating authentic chocolate at a fancy ass store that practically ate up your savings.

“Honey, this is great! Thank you so much.” He leans over to kiss you sweetly. “My tummy and I will cherish them.”

“You’re missing something!” You point at the bottom. “It’s the most important thing in there!”

“What?” Namjoon chuckles in confusion. He digs around until he feels an edge of what feels like a photograph brush against his knuckles.

Your palms sweat as Namjoon pulls the photo out and puts it up to his face. There is a long period of silence where you can’t tell his expression – mainly because the man shoved the entire picture in his face. It isn’t until you see his shoulders shaking and little droplets drip from his jaw that you know.

“Aw, Joon…”  You pull Namjoon’s arm down to take in his tear-soaked face.

“Babe, we’re gonna be parents?” He chokes out, eyes trailing down towards your seemingly unnoticeable baby bump.

“Yes, honey…” You chuckle wetly. “We’re going to be parents.”

The next thing you know, you’re being body-slammed by Namjoon’s large frame, practically drowning in his tight embrace. His crying calms down for the most part, but you can feel his body twitch from the residual hiccups. You smile to yourself – in that moment, you know that you found the right one for you.

“Oh no…”

You tilt your head up from Namjoon’s chest to stare up at his worried expression.

“How are we going to pay for a child?”

Both of your eyes widen in realization.

Well, shit.

At most, your combined salaries make up a decent amount – not something that immediately pay for a trip to the Bahamas twice a year, but enough to get by each day.

Children are a different story. No matter how money you have, you’re still going to spend a fortune on that little bundle of so-called joy – more like soul-crushing, money-smuggling tiny adults.

Diapers run out in a blink of an eye. Formula costs an arm and a leg, especially if you want that good stuff that basically claims to make your baby into Einstein by the time he’s up and walking. Doctor appointments and babysitters are going to be a pain in your ass. You could always ask your parents for some help whenever the two of you are stuck at work, but you don’t want to become one of those parents that never see their kid.

All of the stress of parenthood suddenly comes crashing down, and you can’t help but fall with it.

Your mini breakdown happens four months in your pregnancy. The two of you are painting your child’s bathroom a pretty purple color, and you get a few strokes in until your thoughts eventually catch up with you.

“I can’t be a mother.” You cry, throwing your paintbrush down. “I’m going to fail miserably, and our child is going to hate me. You’re obviously going to be Father of the Year while I’m stuck here looking like a bloated clown.”

Namjoon looks up from his own painting at the sight of you babbling on and on about your incompetence, black tears falling down your cheeks. You look a little funny, but Namjoon knows better than to mess with a pregnant lady with makeup smeared on her face.

One wrong look, and it’s sleeping on the couch for two weeks. Namjoon didn’t want to endure that (again).

“Baby, look at me.” Namjoon puts down his brush to cup your face in his hands. His warmth heals the tiny worry in the center of your chest – but just barely. “You’re going to fail.”

“Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, Kim.” You grumble heatedly. “Guess whose bed you’re not sleeping in tonight?”

“What I meant to say is…” Namjoon cuts your words off before you can ramble again, “you’re going to fail from time to time. That’s normal for parents to screw up – you’re not going to be perfect, and you shouldn’t make our child think that.”

“But…I just want to be good.”

Namjoon smiles weakly. “I know, honey. But life’s not that easy. The best that we can do is to teach him or her how to be loving and how to love. That’s all you need in life, after all.”

“How corny.” You snort, but the smile slowly but surely returns. “Also, it’s a he. I can feel it.”

“Liar.” Namjoon squints accusatorily. “I can sense it, and it’s a girl.”

“How can you sense it? I’m literally the one growing this thing like a sea monkey.”

“Please don’t refer to our child as a sea monkey. At least not in front of our parents.”

The months go by fast – a little too fast in your opinion. While you’re happy that you’ll be rid of the giant baby bump, you’re now in the stage of anxiety about actually giving birth. You take advice from any book or website that looks credible, but nothing can soothe the panic zipping through your veins. Advice from your mother and mother-in-law never helps – you’re sick of watching old baby videos and cooing about your future as a mother.

Sometimes, you just want to throw it all away and just think your own thoughts for once.

“Is giving birth even worth it anymore?” You sigh with a hand propped underneath your chin.

Your best friend Chaeyoung stares at you in disbelief. “What’s this Debbie Downer attitude, Mrs. Kim?”

“I don’t know, Chae…” You run your fingers through your hair in frustration. “I’m so ready to stop being pregnant, but my whole new life begins right after that and I’m…”

“Scared?” You nod sadly. “Honey, that’s okay. You’re allowed to be nervous, it’s part of life. If nobody was nervous, don’t you think a lot of reckless shit would be happening around here more often?”

“It’s just that…Namjoon’s so happy and excited, and I feel guilty because I don’t feel like that right now…” You feel a pang in your chest at the thought of Namjoon’s cheery grin flash behind your eyelids every time you blinked.

“You’re the one pregnant, of course you’d be feeling more anxious about it. Guys just have to stick their dick in you, and their job is done.” Chaeyoung shrugs her shoulders.

“You know, sometimes, I think I’m just going to go to Jisoo for my problems.”

“Jokes on you, Jisoo and I share one braincell.”

“Push!”

Namjoon watches in full-fledged panic as you struggle to push through the pain of delivery and birth your child. Your face strains with effort, and your erratic breathing makes it sound as if you’re two seconds away from passing out.

You glare darkly at your husband when you feel his hand awkwardly pet the side of your face.

“You’re doing great, sweetheart.” Namjoon chuckles nervously. “You got this.”

“Thanks, coach. I won’t let you down.” You grit your teeth as another wave of pain floods your body like a violent tsunami.

“First kid?” A nurse jokes, her eyes not leaving your crotch as she helps assist – now it’s even more awkward.

“Um, yeah…” Namjoon wipes away the sweat on his palms.

“And last.” You snarl through another push.

“Ha-ha…she doesn’t mean that.” Namjoon rubs at the back of his neck.

A tiny sting tugs at his heart at your words, but you’re quick to write it off as him mediating the awkward energy in the room. Namjoon’s been pretty vocal about having two, maybe even three kids. To hear the possibility of there never being another opportunity to give life to something the two of you created together…

It kind of hurt.

“You’ve been quiet.”

Namjoon looks up from the tiny human resting in his arms to glance back at you who he thought fell asleep half an hour ago. You’re laying back in the reclined bed with your cheek pressed against the soft pillow Namjoon grabbed from home for you. It’s the one thing that helps you sleep at night, and you’re silently grateful for the thoughtfulness of your husband.

Even in the heat of the moment, Namjoon still remembers what you need most.

“Oh…I’m just admiring our little sunshine…She’s beautiful just like her mother.”

You can sense there’s something he wasn’t telling you. “No offense, but I thought you’d be jumping for joy after finding out your prediction was right.”

“Oh, yeah, that.” Namjoon tries to laugh, but it feels too hollow. He doesn’t even try again.

“Babe, what’s wron—”

“Do you really not want to have another kid with me?” Namjoon winces as his voice cuts through the silence of the hospital room.

Thankfully, your daughter doesn’t wake up from her nap. If anything, she seems to snuggle further next to her father’s warmth.

“Honey…” The corners of his mouth dips into a pout.

“It’s really okay if you don’t want to…it’s your body.” Namjoon quickly adds. “I don’t want to be that guy that forces his wife to just be a baby-making machine and make her out as only being important for that because you’re so kickass in everything you do.”

You keep silent as he continues, albeit with a blossoming smile.

“It’s just that…I really enjoyed the things we did together for the baby. I liked painting the baby room with you and smearing paint all over your face. I liked going to the boring doctor appointments with you just to see your face light up when they show you our baby on the screen. I liked when you’d wear my hoodies and I can see your little bump underneath.”

Namjoon pauses with a sigh. “I guess…I just loved knowing that you’re mine and that we created this beautiful life together. It made me happy to do these things with you, and I…really want to keep doing it.”

Your heart thumps unevenly. Your eyes glisten with tears, but you don’t want to cry – not right now. Right now, you want to stare at your entire world in the form of a tall beanpole of a man and the tiniest dumpling with clear vision. You want to look into Namjoon’s eyes and see the light behind them that you fell in love with at the tender age of 12 in the lunchroom when he stole the last cheeseburger and you stomped on his foot when he laughed at you. You want to stare at your baby’s face and only see the future ahead of you – the future with you, her, and Namjoon together.

“Joon…” Namjoon still holds a dejected look. “I know what I said was harsh, and I’m really sorry about that. The pain of it was insane, and all I could think about was that I don’t want to feel like that ever again.”

You pick yourself back up in order to erase the seemingly permanent discomfort from your husband’s face. You don’t want him to think that you’re blaming him for the pain. “But looking at the two of you together…it made me remember that it’s all worth it in the end. Just as long as I can see you smile at the end of the day.”

In this moment, he reminds you of how grateful you are that your fate found itself tied up with the red string of Namjoon’s life. Anytime that you try to think of a life without him – whether it’s when the two of you are fighting or if he’s been gone on a business trip for a couple days and the days just feel a little bit too long – it feels like poison coursing through your body. It makes you sick to think of a life without Namjoon by your side. He’s been through it all – the good times and the bad. He’s selfless in that way – the perfect attribute for a father.

“Maybe another kid doesn’t sound half as bad…” Namjoon brightens up at your words. “Just not right now because my uterus may have exploded, and my tits are too sore.”

“Beautiful imagery, honey. You should be a poet.”

“You know what, I take that back. Try getting another kid out of me again, Kim Namjoon.”

Needless to say, your twin boys were born the following year.

[silenthillmutual]

my endless list of issues with the MCU, part one of whatever

most of this is going to be bitching about Age of Ultron and Civil War because they were honestly the absolute worst and it floors me people don’t acknowledge it more

I have not seen Infinity War yet and I have no intention of seeing it anytime soon.

I’m not especially Tony Stark friendly and a lot of these complaints are Stark-centric because I see his writing as the weakest part of the series

so this being said, let’s start with The Accords:

Tony is initially approached with The Accords by a lawyer who appeals to his sympathy because a teenager got killed from the most recent Avengers battle in uhhh Sokovia, I think? I’ve seen this movie twice which tells you how good a movie it is that I can barely remember it.

Tony spends one (1) day reading about the proposed Accords and immediately comes in with this holier-than-thou attitude as if this is something he came up with on his own or ever spend .02 seconds thinking about. The same kind of insufferable antagonistic stuck-up attitude that makes people hate sociology majors. So understandably the team does not exactly jump up to immediately agree to his condescending demands that he has more or less agreed to already despite never having brought it up to anyone else.

By the way, when exactly did they decide that Tony Stark was team leader? it seems like the fandom and the movie’s writers and Tony himself have decided he’s de facto leader despite no one having discussed or agreed to it at any point in time and him being, honestly, the worst possible choice for it.

You know that “this entire group has one braincell and it belongs to x character” meme? This movie is that entire meme and right now the brain cell belongs to Rhodey.

I know that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is very diverse and that for whatever reason the Avengers and their films do not take place in the same universe as the X-Men and their films or Deadpool or Venom, but it still bothers me a lot that these Accords are set up to treat mutants (and mutates) exactly the way they are treated in the X-Men universe: with legalized discrimination and fear and systemic oppression and Scarlet Witch, as a mutant...really, no one in the writing department thought this through? People thought this was fine? That this wasn’t fucked up? Okay. 

The Accords are supposed to keep people from getting hurt by the Avengers by...what, making it an act of Congress to get them on the field? Do they realize how long that will take? Not only that but without proper combat practice in a city arena, there is absolutely no guarantee that Accords Avengers won’t cause the exact same kind of damage as non-Accords Avengers.

Or the fact that the Accords do not apply to the attackers. Obviously. 

Steve asks Tony later why he’s really agreeing to the Accords despite Tony in previous movies being very “fuck the law” or “fuck the government” and Tony almost has him in his corner, but of course he has to be a pain in the ass about it once again. 

And in this scene Tony says he’s agreeing to them because of....some fight with Pepper? That is promptly never mentioned again. But talk about petty, deciding the fate of the entire team over a tiff with his girlfriend. Yikes.

No one in this entire movie except for Vision gives a shit about how Wanda is feeling or dealing with this despite the fact that she is clearly the most effected party by both The Accords and by the fallout of what happened at the beginning of the movie. She’s already scared of her own powers and demonized for them but the only one who cares is the sentient internet.

I love T’Challa and I adored Black Panther but in this movie, T’Challa is all rage and no common sense. Which is perfectly fine, given what he’s been through in the short time he’s been on screen. He’s only the only reason this movie is worth watching and even then it’s best to just watch his scenes and skip the rest of this dumpster fire.

I love Chris Evans’ Captain America but I’m going to be honest here, he was every bit as petty in this movie as Tony Stark was. He happened to have good and valid reasons to track down Bucky but I don’t at all believe those were his main reasons. His main reason was definitely “this is my friend and so I want to save him”, but unlike Tony, he also had logic on his side, which is probably why T’Challa sides with him in the end and opts to help Bucky instead of killing him or turning him in.

Also Cap has every reason to be wary of the government given how easily SHIELD was infiltrated by HYDRA in the previous movie and like, was Tony just nonexistent for that entire movie? Did he just not exist? Is his memory of that event a void? Did everyone just agree to never tell Tony about it? Because it’s pretty clear that Cap and Sam and Nat were all working off of the events of Winter Soldier while Tony Stark was just...being Tony Stark, I guess? 

Despite initially being on the side of The Accords because a teenager was killed from the reckless rampage of the Avengers and their enemies, Tony then goes to recruit a teenager to join him in a fight against Captain America by showing up at his house (very creepy) and hitting on his aunt (extra creepy) and threatening to expose him as Spider-man to her (why did people defend that?). So he went and put another teenager in danger and no one calls him out on this. 

Tony blames Sam for Rhodey getting shot down like it isn’t partly (or entirely) his fault in the first place, as if people never get shot down in the line of duty as a superhero or a soldier, as if Sam did it on purpose (when he sure as hell didn’t and in fact admires Rhodey) and didn’t immediately stop and go to check on Rhodey, and then when he puts his hands up Tony still shoots him point-blank. Someone pointed out this cap earlier and I think it’s super uncomfortable that we got to have a screencap of a white dude shooting an unarmed black man who had his hands up. And we’re supposed to sympathise with that guy.

Tony throws a bunch of people in jail for...siding with Captain America? I still don’t get that.

The final fight between Tony, Cap and Bucky makes no sense. Despite knowing now that Bucky was brainwashed and framed he still immediately believes that Bucky knowingly and willingly and like, with glee or something...killed his parents? And I get being upset at finding out that this man killed his parents but this isn’t a recent crime and he knows for a fact that Bucky was brainwashed at the time. Get some fucking therapy, dude. 

No One But Tony Stark Is Allowed To Have Weapons.

T’Challa now has control of the brain cell. He is the only one who goes “Hm, now where’s the guy who actually caused all this chaos?” while Tony Stark is beating the shit out of a POW.

Cap trying to appeal to Tony’s sympathy by saying “he’s my friend” is not really a good idea, I mean from Tony’s POV your friend murdered his parents and him being your friend doesn’t take that back, HOWEVER,

see above.

“So was I” - literally, since when? When have Tony and Steve ever gotten along? Ever agreed on anything? Ever referred to each other as friends? The most you can ever say about their relationship is that at one point in time they were civil. and that’s it.

[spinetacks]

does a list of darby interviews already exist or should I give in to the autistic urge and compile one..I feel like altho comments are generally real chill and positive on his most watched talks all the decent insightful stuff is buried with like 5k views :/