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#this guy looked at an eldritch being and went 'oh I know exactly whats up with this thing'
fakecrfan · 2 years
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blacktobackmesa · 5 months
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Circus Peanuts - a Half Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware Minific
It's the middle of the night, and one eldritch horror calls another to talk about that clown cartoon. Canon to the Streamman fanfiction continuity, but exists on its own.
Written as part of my personal NaNoWriMo challenge to work on fiction for an hour a day.
“You’d tell me if I was like Caine, right?”
“...whu?”
“I–I  know it’s late,” The caller stammered. “Sorry. I saw you were up from your Discord… thingy. The… fuck, I don’t know works. Words. The green dot.”
“Status. The status thingy..”
“Yeah, you can tell I just woke up, huh? It’s nothing. Sorry–”
“No, no, don’t hang up,” the recipient cut in. “Commit to your bit. You wanted to ask about Cane’s.”
That made him laugh. Victory. “No, not Cane’s. Caine. The ringmaster guy.”
The recipient’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment, then raised to the brim of his bonnet. “Talking about the clown show?”
“Yeah, way to not make me feel goofy about it.” 
“Fuck. No, that’s– didn’t mean to sound like that. That’s a real question. You mean the teeth from the clown puppet show.”
“Yeah, that. That’s the… wait, puppet?”
“Cartoons are picture puppets, y’know?.”
“We can unpack that later,” the caller decided.  
“Was it a dream or just night thoughts? Or something else?”
“Dream.”
The recipient crossed one leg over the other and curled his finger around an imaginary phone cord. “You wanna tell me about it?”
“Mm. I don’t remember the whole thing, but I’ll tell you the important stuff.”
The recipient waited for a moment as his friend got his thoughts sorted. 
“We were playing something together, the whole team. There were some parts where it was streamed? But other times that wasn’t part of it, and it was hard to tell who was the host. But I must have gone through the wrong door or something, and I ended up in the Amazing Digital Circus. The place, not the… the cartoon. I mean, I guess it was in the cartoon, since it’s about the place. It really depends–”
“Did that matter?”
“What?”
“If it was the place or the cartoon.”
“I don’t know.”
“Keep going.”
Yeah, he could practically hear the eyes rolling. “Alright. Well, I was there. The team wasn’t. And I was kind of in Pomni’s role– you know, the jester girl. But she was there, too, so it was more like I was just the new guy after her.”
“It’s your self insert fanfiction.”
“Fuck, yeah. That’s… that’s legiterately what it… that’s not a word. Literally, legitimately what it was.”
“Be cringe and free.”
“I wasn’t free, though!” He almost laughed. “That’s the whole thing about the circus, you’re stuck there. And that’s why Caine does the adventures, right? He’s… I mean, there’s lots of ways to interpret the pilot, but that’s what I figured: Caine does the adventures so that the people trapped there have something to keep them occupied and fulfilled and all that. He’s not exactly, uh, sane about it, but he’s not trying to hurt them, he just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be them, he knows they need something to interact with and just makes shit up so they have something to do with their lives–”
“Ohhhh.”
“You get it?”
“Yeah. That’s fucked,” he confirmed. “Now breathe before you pass out.”
From the sounds on the other end, that’s just what he did. 
“So whuhappen?”
“It’s a little fuzzy,” the caller went on. “We had some task, but it changed through dream logic stuff. Something like finding keys in eggs. But my brain wasn’t fully locked into the dream logic, so whenever something changed it just fucked with me real hard. I was just freaking out about being stuck there, about not being able to go back home, what would happen to my kid and my apartment and…”
He trailed off. 
“And what?”
He took a deep breath. 
“You guys,” he finished. “What would happen to you guys if I was gone. That’s when… this is the part that fucked with me, I guess. At some point, even though they still looked and sounded like the cartoon characters, my brain decided that the circus characters were the Science Team.”
“Oh, cool. Was I the bunny?”
“Was–” he wheezed a little. “I don’t know. That’s not important.” “It is.”
“No.”
“Yuh-huh.”
“No, it wasn’t– it wasn’t a direct, one-to-one thing. It was more like the concept. The concepts got crossed. It wasn’t… I didn’t Kin Assign you guys.”
“Boo.”
“Ignoring that. It was around that time that Caine kind of disappeared from the dream, and I didn’t even notice until I woke up. Instead, I had to be the one who set up things to do to keep the circus team busy. And when I got into that, my mind kind of… stopped being about being trapped. The dream kind of morphed, the way dreams do. By the time I woke up, it wasn’t even about being trapped in the circus anymore. It was brainstorming for next week’s stream, just inside the circus. It happened so smoothly.” 
There was a lull in the conversation. The caller seemed out of steam. The listener continued to twirl their invisible phone cord.
“You wanna play Carnival Games for the Wii next week?”
“...No, Benrey. Not really.”
“Why?”
“...I don’t know. Motion controls.”
“You use VR legiterately all the time.”
“Heh. Maybe.”
“Maybe yes?”
“Look, just… thanks for listening.”
“Mm. Thanks for talking.”
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darkicedragon · 3 months
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azure https://twitter.com/ZA1F0N/status/1654235097628045312 M being a normal human delivery guy in a neighbourhood full of supernatural beings Tao freaking out over werewolves and demons and stuf and M is like =A= "I'm not paid enough to care what kinda creature I gotta deliver food to" "HE HAD TENTACLES, M!!!!" " Eh, he tipped well." "and the werewolf???" "worst thing is his breath. stinks like dog food." darkicedragon 'did you at least take a picture??' 'no?? im not an asshole??' 'EEEEMMMMMM!!' 'you see them around all the time anyway?' 'i knooooow, but you see the more interestin' ones!' 'and theyre ordering bc they dont want to be seen, dumbass' :c 'ok, point' also, m gets atkd by something, but suddenly finds his regulars protecting him hes just ??? 'we like you' 'yeah, youre one of the few delivery guys whos stuck around longer than a week' 'its good money considering what im doing??' 'bc noone else wants to do it' '.......huh' so m starts making an effort to actually get to know his regulars more and makes some friends taos amazed (and a lil jealous)
azure YESSSS also he gives exactly 0 fucks and just treats them like neighbours "thanks for the delivery. ugh, you don't happen to know how to fix a leaking pipe. can't get a hold of any plumber in the city' and M is like =A= *sigh 'fine, lemmie take a look' ends up doing odd jobs for the monsters they pay well darkicedragon or theres a tech problem and ms just like >n> 'one minute' 'tao' 'yeh?' 'ive got a regular here who has a computer pro-' 'GAAAASSSSSSPPPPPPPP!!!' '-and you better NOT take ANY photos, got it?' 'i wont!!!' azure yasss connects the beings too 'ah, I know an eldritch being who's good with animals. should be able to help with your fleas.' darkicedragon yesssssss frankenstein takes one look at m and is just like 'what did you do?' 'huh?' 'youve been marked by some very powerful beings' '...............MARKED???' 'yes, like... hm. a warning, that you're not to be messed with bc youre protected' 'marked as in like they PEED on me??' '.............no. not quite. a spell-type marking' 'oh, okay. ...............why tho' azure AHAHAHAH XDDD and yesss 'ah, yeah, I've a few clients who are regulars. gav'em my phone.' 'M, being marked is not just them having your contact details' darkicedragon 'is this like a "i gave my soul" thing bc i think my work already owns that' azure 'marked? ugh, I knew I stepped into something when I went into the werewolf's place. dog sitting my ass' darkicedragon oh my god, m gets asked abt dogsitting and hes like '.....your kids?' 'ofc!' and hes just awkward enough to not want to ask if they mean biological kids or pet kids azure AHAHAHAH XDDD he watches them and still doesn't manage to figure out which is which looks at a doggo being naughty and is like 'don't know whether I should put you in the crate or send you to your room' darkicedragon //puts them in the crate and puts that in the kids room//
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Chapter Three: Night Hunt
Summary: Jon and Martin patrol the streets of London looking for monsters, and find a new friend, much to Jon’s dismay.
AU: Post-MAG 200 inspired by @/spooksier
The night hung over London, hot and sticky. Jon and Martin walked along the row of closed shops, Martin bat in hand, Jon with nothing but a coat. No one went out at night anymore, because even for those who truly believed the monsters and Fears were gone, there was still something in the dark that made their hearts race with terror. There were theories, as well, that only avatars would roam at night, finding new victims to feed the detritus of their eldritch overlords, which massively contributes to the lack of people.
Jon wondered how much of Martin’s insistence that he carry a weapon was a pretense to let Martin continue to feel human, or if it simply was that Martin was back to being human again. Martin hadn’t once demonstrated any need to feed through fear, and worked solemnly to resist the pulls of the Lonely with his therapist. And even if Jon could Know on command like he could during the apocalypse, he wouldn’t - he promised he wouldn’t.
“So, Jon, what inspired you to patrol tonight?” Martin asked.
“Oh… um… a woman came in panicking about someone following her. She claimed it was a mannequin,” Jon said.
“A mannequin? We’re out here in the middle of the night for a mannequin?” Martin said incredulously.
“Maybe not a mannequin, but something is hanging around. I can… feel it,” Jon said.
“Do you Know it?” Martin asked.
“No… no, I don’t. It’s just a hunch,” Jon said, then he chuckled, “Still surprises me every time I don’t know something.”
“I know,” Martin said, a wistful smile on his face. Then, he swung his bat around and held it behind his neck, and asked, “Jon, do you ever think about how these patrols are eerily similar to hunts? Like… the Hunt’s hunts.”
“Sometimes, but I would be deeply humored if either of us managed to align ourselves fully with a completely new entity considering how the world is now. Especially the Hunt. I love you, Martin, but you’re not a fierce predator,” Jon said.
Martin scoffed, “Says you! I don’t see any predatory-ness in you either.”
“Exactly, then I think we’re both good,” Jon said, smiling. He sensed there was an addendum to Martin’s sentence, a ‘but’ or an ‘also’, but Jon didn’t care to know it. It wouldn’t help anyone.
The static filled his head, loud and harsh. He froze, attempting to decipher the Eye’s distant, distorted message, as his fingers went numb. In front of him, Martin kept going for a little while, stopped, and ran back to Jon, looking into his eyes with slight concern. Jon absently put his hand on Martin’s shoulder above him, holding on slightly as he closed his eyes and honed his focus. It took so much focus nowadays to get anything, to feel anything, to Know anything, but he had to try, because the moments he could truly sense that the Eye was trying to inform him of something, were the moments he needed that information most. As he thought harder, and harder, his own thoughts faded, flooded by the static. Then, the static became the flash of an image, a ghost of a word, and Jon Knew.
“To the left, down the alley,” Jon said, quietly, pointing accordingly.
“What?”
“There is a… a thing there. Be quiet, be quick, and trust your gut,” Jon said, “I’ll stay back and catch it if it escapes.”
“Alright…” Martin said, hefting his bat up hesitantly. Jon remembered when they first started the patrols, how much Martin shook. Everything had still been a bit fresh back then, but even a year after all of it, Jon could still see the memory dance in Martin’s head during moments like this.
Martin headed down the alley. Despite being such a big guy, he could be shockingly quiet, and as Jon lost Martin in the darkness, he stood at the mouth of the alley, and centered himself. He breathed in, and out, and in again, feeling each breath enter his lungs. He didn’t need to breathe, as far as he knew, but it helped keep him in the physical world when manifestations like this were about. If he wasn’t careful, he would lose himself in a vision of the creature’s past, or its victim, or nothing at all.
In and out. He could do this. In and out. He had done this before. In and-
There was a loud thwack followed by a “SHIT, JON!”, and then desperate scuttlings and pants that definitely were not from Martin.
Jon widened his stance and focused his eyes forward. When whatever it was entered the light of the streetlamps, Jon lunged forward and landed on it squarely, before ever seeing what it really was. It squirmed underneath him, knobbly and wet and sharp, small enough that Jon’s entire body encompassed it. Martin ran into the light again just as Jon reached his hands to the creature and grabbed. This was a bad idea, for whatever was on the right side of the creature had a mouth with teeth to bite, and so it bit - hard. Jon screamed.
“Jon!” Martin cried. Martin reached for Jon and rolled him onto his back, and then Martin swung his bat into it. It screeched as it flew, and clattered against the wall.
“What the hell was that?!” Martin said. Then he bent down to look over Jon.
“No, Martin, go check on it! I don’t know if it’s dead yet!” Jon groaned.
“But…”
“I’ll be fine, promise,” Jon said, with a warm smile. Martin frowned and ran over to where the creature was. Jon took a few moments, clutching his wounded hand as he slowly, excruciatingly, stood up. His head spun, and the static returned, not to tell him something, but because it could. He looked into the dark, and how it moved and muttered, and thought of how all those children ran through Night Street, as dark as this alley, but with their own homes as the set-dressing rather than a measly alley. They stare at the closet, because despite the night light they begged their parents for again, they know the darkness is thick in it, and threatens to burst open and bleed into the room, and swallow them so that the monsters can find their way to the bed-
“Aw, Jon, actually, it’s kinda cute,” Martin cooed. Jon jolted back to reality and looked over to Martin, holding up what appeared to be a rather large hand, knobby and veiny, but instead of fingers, it had teeth. Along the side of both palms, bones shot out, forming four insect-like limbs. Where the wrist would be, instead a tail of blood and veins and guts spilled out, all connected together. Martin was holding it with one hand like a bowling ball, fingers between the teeth.
Jon looked at Martin in horror, “You think that’s cute?”
“Yeah, just look at it!” Martin squealed. The creature’s bottom jaw jerked up and down, as it desperately tried to get a nip of Martin. Martin reached up and tickled the bottom jaw-thumb, and it let out a hoarse heaving noise that must’ve been laughter. Martin looked up at Jon, “Can we keep it?”
Jon blinked and shook his head violently, “No? We can’t keep it? That thing will probably try to kill us in our sleep!”
“Maybe we can train it, like a guard dog,” Martin said.
“If you want a guard dog, let’s get a guard dog, not… this!” Jon said, gesturing emphatically at the hand-mouth, as bloody drool drizzled onto the pavement.
“Okay, okay, but a dog would probably run away from the worser monsters. This thing? This thing will go ham on anybody it sees. Imagine it, Jon, huge ass candle person coming up threatening to burn down the bookshop and then this thing just leaps at it, chows down wax and all!” Martin said, grinning from ear to ear. Jon frowned, and sighed. He couldn’t say no to that face.
“Fine. But you have to take care of it. And if it eats the books, it’s your fault!” Jon said.
“Haha, score! I’m going to name you Mr. Buggykins!” Martin cried.
“That’s...” Jon began. He turned and saw the look of knowing smugness in Martin’s face, and Jon couldn’t help but smile.
He turned back and looked at his wound, and saw that, despite the bleeding and pain, the bite marks looked like nothing more than shallow divots in his skin.
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This is my first time doing an ask so sorry if I’m not going about this right.
Do you know what the uncanny valley is? If not, basically the uncanny valley is a hypothesized relation between an object's degree of resemblance to a human being and the emotional response to the object. The uncanny valley hypothesis predicts that an entity appearing almost human will risk eliciting cold, eerie feelings in viewers.
So what if the MC reacted to the demons (and maybe angels) in their human forms as if they were experiencing the uncanny valley. (Basically afraid for seemingly no reason, wary, unsettled) But they seem much calmer/ at ease with them in their demon forms because at least then their brain could confidently register them as not human.
YES I love the uncanny valley, anon 💛 I'm a sucker for eldritch mysteries and horror, but even more personally, I'm studying design and anthropology and this pops up more than you would expect. I already have a fic in my drafts that talks exactly about this (and it's hinted at in my latest fic) but I wanted to also give this ask the time of day bc you are precisely on my wavelength.
"Human" form has always been a term that I've found funny - sure they may have the basic shape of a human, but even then their strength, speed, and mannerisms are always too off (and tangentially this is a rant I have about superheroes/superhumans and the uncanny valley too but that's neither here nor there). MC knows basically from the first 30 seconds these guys are monsters, other, but they spend their time attempting to be human shaped and it's really hard to get over. It's comforting to know they don't have to look human though - there's definitely a semiotic element involved in how the brothers are perceived. As humans, we have distinct visual cues and expectations tied to those terms (tails, horns, fangs, claws, tentacles, etc...). It's actually more logical for them to appear in their 'demon forms' (again another term that i have a bone to pick with). It might not be the truth that monsters have these qualities, but centuries of old wives tales and modern pop culture can't be forgotten so easily.
I went back to those very first lessons for ideas about how MC initially perceives the brothers and oh boy. You start your stint in Devildom by waking up in a giant room that looks like a courtroom, while beings that are person-shaped but move too precisely stare down at you from a dais. They don't understand why you're scared or confused - it's simple to grasp, right? You've been signed up for an exchange program in hell that you didn't sign up for. Simple! One of them mentions that they might accidentally eat you. His teeth are sharp, but that could just be your imagination because it's not like they're fangs.
Paradoxically, I do think Asmo suffers from this effect the most. He's all about being desirable, the pinnacle of lust - but not everyone's desires are the same, right? I have a headcanon that his features are slightly more malleable to human perception, that no two people see him the same way. Trying to photograph him leads to more mindfuckery. MC is 'immune' to his charm though, and I can't even begin to describe how they first see him.
Anyway yesssss I am here for these types of prompts/thoughts/ideas!! I hope this is somewhat satisfying answer anon, at least until I can push that fic out x
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makeste · 3 years
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BnHA Chapter 318: On Your Left
Previously on BnHA: The Hawksquad+Lurkers were all “well this sucks” and sat around a bit talking about how maybe they should actually come up with a new plan that is actually good, but then in the end they were like “nah.” Deku was all, “THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT PULLS BENEATH THE SURFACE!! CONSUMING, CONFUSING!! THIS LACK OF SELF CONTROL I FEAR IS NEVERENDING. IT’S HAUNTING HOW I CANT SEEM TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN. MY WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.” Just, literally that whole entire song. All Might was all “Deku you should take care of yourself, try eating a thing,” and Deku was all “BYE, ALL MIGHT,” and just LEFT. He left!!! What the fuck!!!
Today on BnHA: Endeavor is all, “maybe if Deku didn’t listen to All Might he’ll listen to me instead.” Deku is all, “[doesn’t listen to Endeavor]” because, well, yeah. The Vestiges are all, “surprisingly, even we are a little concerned -- maybe you should get some rest, kid.” Deku is all, “((Ò ‸ Ó)).” The Vestiges are all, “holy shit.” Deku is all, “[wanders the ruined city streets terrifying the populace on account of him looking like Shelob had a baby with one of the Nazgul].” Some shriveled-up puppeteer villain asshole is all, “HORIKOSHI SAID IT’S MY TURN TO ATTACK DEKU TODAY SO I AM GOING TO SUMMON MY FRIGHTENED HELPLESS ATTACK MOB!!” Kacchan is all “WHADDYA MEAN THEY FOUND THE NERD!!! -- oh wait, that’s me, I found him. I found the nerd, you guys.” And just in time, too. I was about to owe a whole lot of people a whole lot of dollars.
so I have been super good about spoilers this week as always, but let me tell you guys, for the past 36 hours my dash filters have basically been nonstop “manga spoilers” this and “bnha 318” that, and so I’m coming in with a fair amount of hype here. your move, Horikoshi
oh, good! they got Endeavor to call Deku to try to talk him out of it. what a great and wonderful plan
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“listen up kid, you haven’t slept since March and you are basically a walking biohazard right now, I’m just telling it like it is. didn’t you get shot like three times?? and there was a whole thing about how you urgently needed medical attention?? and supposedly we gave it to you, but I mean you haven’t even changed your clothes and don’t seem to have any fresh bandages or anything, so did we?? did we, really?? and also we all got blown up yesterday, so yeah.” hmm he’s making some reasonable points here you guys, but you sure do go on and on, Endeavor
oh he says foreign aid is finally on its way! I’m sure they’ll be very helpful. I mean in fairness they can hardly be worse than the home-grown heroes at this point
hey Enji, could you maybe try appealing to Deku the sixteen-year-old human boy, as opposed to Deku The World’s Last Hope? he does have value beyond his quirk. I know that’s always been an incredibly difficult concept for you to grasp, but could you maybe TRY, jesus
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and also we’re worried about you as a person?? you’re just a kid and you’re pushing yourself way too hard?? you were going to say that part next, right. why the hell didn’t Hawks make this call instead
“don’t worry about me... I’m completely fine” Deku you do understand that saying it over and over again doesn’t actually make it true
and again with the rush!! all the rush rush rush!! we’re running out of time, we can’t let AFO and Tomura keep getting stronger, I have to end this now, there’s no time to rest, etc. etc. etc. just the constant pressure of this whole big countdown on top of everything else
holy shit, you KNOW it’s bad when even the Vestiges are telling him to chill
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these guys are basically the walking talking embodiments of self-sacrifice; if even they’re telling him he needs to take five, then he must seriously be like half a step away from death’s door
OH SHIT LMAO
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DIDN’T EVEN LET HIM FINISH HIS SENTENCE BEFORE HE SENT HIM INTO THE FUCKING SHADOW REALM WITH THAT FUCKING LOOK. HOLY FUCK. DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DIE TWICE. SHIT
(ETA: so I’m pretty sure this was just Danger Sense activating and so he cut them off to go do more hero stuff, but I’m gonna go ahead and stick to my original interpretation anyway lol.)
anyway so how’s everybody doing. we all good? En, you good? Banjou? Shino? I’m imagining you guys all curled up in a little ball on the floor right now lol. can’t say I blame you though, no shame
lmaoooooooooooo
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“SHEESH.” sheesh indeed, lmao. “what in the FUCK was that”
see, this is why y’all need Kacchan. you need someone who’s not going to back down from him no matter what. if it’s a matter of out-stubborning Midoriya fucking Izuku, then there’s only one other person on the planet capable of that, and we all know it. don’t pretend like you don’t. I am not going to shut up about this! we’ve had our hurt so now what about SOME COMFORT, DAMMIT
“I’m afraid that he’s becoming influenced by my conscience” nah are you kidding Nana this is all 100% made-in-Japan pure original Deku right here
see, Banjou gets it. “that kid, he’s totally going on his own.” exactly. this was so inevitable it was basically scientific law
“well I for one don’t see the problem with Deku being so obsessed with saving everyone else that he pushes himself until his body and soul literally fall apart” okay, whose speech bubbles are these?? we’re about to have words
lol of course
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well you always did prefer the direct route didn’t you. but even you can’t possibly think this is okay lol
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dark AU!Kacchan please tell us more about your badass doomed timeline in which everything went to shit and you apparently had the same character arc that Deku is having right now except it somehow made you sexier instead of turning you into a rabid t-rex. I have so many questions
oh so now you want to help??? well -- good, actually. sorry if that sounded offended just now lol
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(ETA: so at first when I got to the end of this chapter I was wondering if Katsuki B. had somehow summoned his alternate-universe counterpart through trippy OFA space telepathy lol. but in the original Japanese there’s no reference to “we”, so this appears to be a mistranslation. this line should probably read more like “if there’s something/someone out there that would be able to complement/complete the current Midoriya Izuku [it would be]…” which, oh hello, is that Horikoshi once again reaffirming that Deku and Bakugou complete each other lol. “guess what guys, the Vestiges ship it too" heck yeah. they know what’s up!)
look how admiring his boyfriends are. HORIKOSHI GIVE US THE REST OF THIS BACKSTORY ALREADY GODDAMMIT
“meanwhile somewhere in the depths of the ruined city, Deku was having a dance-off with the villains”
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I like how the villains all have this “AHH WHAT THE FUCK” kind of body language to them lol. I mean if it were me, and an eldritch horror suddenly clawed its way from the shadows with its writhing glowy tentacles and pants-shitting nuclear death stare, I would probably just die on the spot. no need to stick around. only pain awaits
lol for a minute I thought this was Can’t Ya See-kun and I was like “WHAT A FASCINATING CROSSING OF PATHS” but it’s just some random girl
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he seems genuinely confused lol
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Deku it’s because you look like something that crawled out of a sewer drain, sweetheart
lol they just took his word for it?
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so trusting. even though they’re immediately hauling ass anyway just to be safe lmao
“my appearance is frightening to others” no shit Deku it’s because you look like a fucking alien exorcism. you look like a Lich that got caught up in an oil spill my dude
NO NOT THE CHOSEN ONE ANGST AGAIN
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I RAN OUT OF ESSAY JUICE FOR THIS ALREADY HORIKOSHI!! I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS NOW WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!! BUT ANYWAYS, GOOD!! I MEAN, BAD, THOUGH, OBVIOUSLY. BUT YES
“ENJOY THIS MONTAGE OF DEKU BATTLING A RANDOM KAIJU AND WANDERING THE WOODS LIKE A DERANGED GREEN BABA YAGA” okay yes but sir, exactly how much longer is this going to go on. if it’s a matter of you wanting to make sure we get it, let me assure you that aside from a few stray chuunis who think that Deku embracing the Darkness is the coolest thing he’s ever done, all of us here in fandom fully comprehend that this is Not Good
-- OH SO IT’S LIKE THAT
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really. with the flashbacks to his loved ones’ smiling faces and everything. not even gonna try to aim above the belt, huh
AND NO KACCHAN??! NO CLASSMATES?!?! IS HE PURPOSELY NOT THINKING OF THEM??? OR ARE THEY BEING SAVED FOR THE NEXT PAGE??? SO HELP ME, IF THE NEXT PART OF THIS SENTENCE IS “CAN PROTECT THEM”, OR EVEN WORSE, “CAN SEE THEIR SMILING FACES AGAIN”, I...
WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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(ETA: my man did Sero and Kaminari fucking dirty lmao. I miss their smiling faces too omg.)
the sheer, unparalleled irony of him saying this while he stands there looking like the gargoyle demon from Fantasia got crossed with an umbrella that got struck by lightning. Deku :(
oi who the fuck is this clown
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is he controlling this mob with his evil hair. “what if I made an exhausted, running-on-fumes Deku battle a brainwashed mob at Ground Zero.” Horikoshi do you just have like a checklist of horrible things you want to do to your protagonist
easy there Sasori
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well joke’s on you buddy because he’s apparently “completely fine”, so
“here’s to hoping that you know more about AFO’s location than the others” jesus christ Deku you really have hung your mercy out to dry huh
now he’s forcing his mob of terrified prisoners to attack Deku ahhhh. sucks to be them. at least they’re not being controlled by bees
so Deku is saying that Sasori’s control can be broken with “physical trauma.” similar to Shinsou’s quirk I guess. but so does that mean he’s gonna have to hurt them? ( •﹏•)
NO NOT MORE SAD EYES
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“DEATH BY EMPATHY!!!” HORIKOSHI NO
fuck. he looks like he’s on the verge of passing out
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this is what happens when you nerf a character’s self-preservation stats in favor of spamming their bone-breaking stats instead. NOW ACCEPTING BRAIN CELL DONATIONS FOR A BOY IN NEED!! with your loving generosity we can hopefully help him live to the ripe old age of seventeen
OMGFGGG
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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[grabs your hands] ლ(*꒪ヮ꒪*)ლ [swings you in a circle] へ(゚◇゚へ)
THASSSSSSSS WHATSSSSSSS UPPPPPPPPPP
HORIKOSHI REALLY SAID FUCK THAT MASK (ノ°ο°)ノ YOU FINALLY LEARNED!! IT’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!
JUST FOR YOU KACCHAN, HORIKOSHI LEFT THIS ONE BAD GUY WHO’S STILL WEAK TO FIRE. GOD BLESS
IT’S YOUR COUNTERPART, KATSUKI B!!!! HOW WE DOIN OVER THERE IN THE TRIPPY COSMIC OFA SPACE REALM LOL. DO WE BELIEVE YET, FANDOM???
LIGHTS!!!!
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INSTANT RESULTS!!! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!
(ETA: imagine what this must look like to Deku though. he’s been caught up in this dark cloud of despair and exhaustion that’s been building up over... I’m gonna go ahead and say “weeks”, because yeah. and now he finds himself here, in the place where All Might’s legacy ended and the torch was passed to him. and the world is in ruins, and he’s surrounded by frightened people who are all trying to hurt him -- because who isn’t trying to hurt him, these days -- and he’s scrambling to figure this all out, but meanwhile the weariness is finally starting to catch up to him, and so he’s basically just standing there in a fog of complete and utter misery.
and then all of a sudden through that haze, he hears the one voice that’s more familiar than any other that he knows. like, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he thought he was just imagining it at first. Kacchan showing up to save him right when he’s at his most desperate and feeling the most alone. Kacchan, showing up to save him.
this is the person he always looked up to as a child (to be fair he was quite a strange child lmao). the person who was even closer to him than All Might. the person he always thought was amazing. and bam, here he is now. appearing in the sky out of nowhere to one-shot the bad guy with a single blast (which, btw, that was his armor-piercing attack too lmao dslkjlk take it easy there kiddo). like, that must have felt absolutely surreal to him, especially coming at a time when he’s already half-delirious and barely hanging on to reality. he must have really thought that he was losing it there for a second.
but he’s really there. it really is him. and for this brief moment -- before the rest of the situation catches up to him, and he remembers about all of the fucked-up AFO stuff, and remembers why he was so afraid and why he was pushing everyone away -- for just this one brief moment, he’s too exhausted and stunned to do anything except to just react. just stands there, looking up at him in awe.
and you know, it almost reminds me of...
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just. you guys. the character development. the freaking character development. someone who brings reassurance. someone who shows up and makes you think, “oh, it’s all going to be okay now, because [person] is here.” the role reversals. the growth. the payoff!! because who is the one person who always had faith that Kacchan would one day grow up to become an amazing hero like that. WHO IS IT. YOU ALREADY KNOW.
omg. anyways, bless you Horikoshi, my feels which have been on backorder since fucking September have finally arrived lmao. yes, good, thank you. worth the wait. it is always, always worth the wait. fuck yeah.)
“LOWFRIES” SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THE WHOLE GANG IS HERE, AHHHHHHHH (º̩̩́⌣º̩̩̀ )
BEAUTIFUL. WONDERFUL. SENSATIONAL. I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT JUMP IS ON BREAK NEXT WEEK. THIS RIGHT HERE WILL SUSTAIN ME
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newswcanonprompts · 3 years
Text
Skywalkers are immortal eldritch fucks (there’s so many ways this can go)
1. How does being half-force affect Anakin as a force ghost
Anakin... wasn't properly dead. just a bit too present, a bit too lively, and that if only someone pulled hard enough on the veil, he could be made to bleed again.
Anakin just keeps coming back to life, And so do Luke and Leia when they die.
"You've done it, you've killed Anakin fucking Skywalker. Wait, why is he standing behind you? Where's his body gone? Oh fuck, what is that expression? Oh no!"
This happens to Vader and terrifies the f*ck out of literally everyone
the man is the son of the Force, yes? how could he "become one with it" if he basically already was part of it? or at least, made of it?
It'd be either kinda horrifying or basically a regenerate-your-limbs get out of jail free card
Anakin turns up in Luke's temple one day, like "hey turns out I can't die"
Luke is just happy to have a Dad
imagine the backlash if that little factoid ever went public. "What do you mean Darth Vader can't die???"
"You mean he's alive right now????"
Obi-Wan realising he can't have a peaceful retirement in the afterlife because Anakin's apparently immortal now
Anakin starts trying to figure out how to make Obi wan immortal too
Ahsoka is so confused at everything
"You look a lot like the Hero with No Fear from the Clone Wars. Are you his grandson or something?" 
"Nope, I am him." 
"Freaking weird Jedi and their not aging."
 2. how terrifying it would have been if during the Dooku fight in AOTC his arm just regrew the moment it was cut off
3. them realizing this during the clone wars: CHECKMATE BITCHES
imagine the propaganda if there was a General who literally couldn't die
the Seperatists wouldn't know which way was up anymore
Anakin realised he had this sort of ability during the clone wars it would be hilarious to see him just throwing himself at things
he could protect his men better
Imagine how distressing it would be for a shiny to just see their general die and then come back seconds later
And Rex being like "Yep, the general does that."
just rubbing his eyes. and being completely done
Imagine the bitching sessions with Cody "At least yours resurrects! Mine just runs off without his kriffing lightsaber and armor all the time!"
clone boys have a heart attack whenever their general just decides to regrow limbs
rex faints the first time he sees anakin's arm grow back.
instead of the whole "my general keeps losing his lightsaber" it becomes "my general keeps losing his arm"
"My general keeps dying."
"Oh, how many have you been assigned to now?"
"No, no, he gets better again afterwards."
the 501st never tell the shinies that their general is immortal because the vets like to fuck around like that
it's kind of a right of passage for shinies to almost have a heart attack when the general comes back from the dead
Anakin is basically just the "if all else fails" option at that point because no matter what happens to him, he will be back at the temple annoying the hell out of everyone before dinner time
Anakin gets mortally wounded and is like "Well, I'll see you in five."
Droids: * shoot Anakin *
 * Anakin: * dies * 
Anakin, 5 minutes later in the middle of a crowd of droids: SURPRISE BITCHES!! * Murders them all *
Anakin dying to Dooku at the end of Attack of the Clones and then coming back and Dooku just being like "Fuck this shit I'm out."
him coming back and chasing dooku with his arm
Imagine the moment they find out Anakin can come back from the dead:
Ahsoka and Obi-Wan just sobbing their hearts out and then suddenly he's behind them like "Hey, bold of you to presume I'm mortal."
He pulls a Percy Jackson, and walks into his funeral.
mace windu utters a quiet "are you fucking kidding me"
next time anakin dies, his funeral includes a "welcome home anakin" banner
Mace stops letting the Yoda Lineage have funerals because they don't stay dead
They keep having funerals for Anakin just as an excuse to have a party
what if politicians don't know this. like the first time he dies during the war, and all the diplomats are there. Except Padme. She knows all and is just there to see the chaos.
They're usually private funerals, so they can keep inviting new people to screw with
"general skywalker just died"
"senator he's right here"
"i saw him die protecting me right before my eyes"
"senator do you need the healers?"
Obi-Wan, just watched Anakin go splat at the bottom of a ravine:
“ANAKIN!!”
Anakin, popping back into the mortal coil just behind him: “Yeah? What's up?”
obi-wan finding out about a Anakins thing and keeping it a secret,
so one day anakin dies and the whole council is like, mourning
obi-wan is just rolling his eyes and saying “it’s fine he’ll be back”
everyone thinks obi-wans having a mental breakdown
but then anakin walks into his funeral with a cup of caf and sunglasses and flashes everyone a peace sign
All of Yoda’s lineage (except dooku) and padme know.
"can you guys not cover me in white next time? it's pretty boring"
"can i get, like, glitter? is that a thing? make it a thing"
Skywalkers can also breath in space.
They just don’t have to breathe. 
4. THE FORCE IS A PROACTIVE PARENT IN THIS (AND AGENDER) (THEY/THEM PRONOUNS)
during the time it takes for him to resurrect, the force and anakin talked.
Bc that's the only time he could talk with a tangible parent.
he learns about palps that way
one time Anakin dies twice in one day
turns out the ability has a bit of a cooldown time so everyone's just panicking a bit because he should be back by now
then he appears like three days later
Obi-Wan's like "You bastard."
"Gotta keep you on your toes."
Really his parent just wanted some more time with him, and who was he to refuse?
a cracky! anakin basically having annual dinners with The Force because of how often he dies in the clone wars
in this verse the clone wars was created so Anakin & his parent The Force can have family dinners
Mortis, but instead of All That Nonsense, it's just a nice episode of meet the parent
padme dies, and then at her funeral she comes back, but force sensitive.
force sensitive, immortal, padme amidala. The seppies are going DOWN
The Force wills Padme to die because The Force wants to meet their daughter in law
It does this for basically everyone Anakin cares about
sometimes anakin and padme just drop dead, and wake up a few hours later bc they had a family dinner to get to.
"I'm going to kill you" is suddenly the literal way for Anakin to say "I love you"
Anakin dies on Mandalore and Satine witnesses it and she's horrified and doesn't know what to tell Obi-Wan but then she sees Obi-Wan talking to Anakin and she's so confused
So if anakin kills you and you’re someone he cares about you come back to life immortal.
Death By Skywalker basically being a way of becoming immortal is gonna fuck with the war so much
when Palpatine tells Anakin to kill all the jedi he thinks Palpatine is telling him to invite all the jedi to his Force Family Dinner
One day the entire Jedi temple just dies all at once, and comes back a couple hours later, to the confusion of literally everyone (including the Jedi)
yoda is frequently killed to spend time with the force because after 900 years the two of them are tight as fuck
Anakin doesn’t have attachment issues in this bc hey, people die all the time! :)
He also ends up being worshipped as a demigod.
More Angsty version of this: young anakin kills palps bc he thinks he'll resurrect, but then the tangible form of the force appears and explains that he was the sith master.
Palpatine would probably actually try to get Anakin to kill him, because hey! Free immortality! Don't mind if i do!
5. Imagine if this was something he discovered as a little kid. Anakin going off to visit Qui-Gon in the force and Obi-Wan wondering what eldritch beast he has ended up with as a padawan
"Anakin what are you doing?"
"I'm making master Qui-Gon a friendship bracelet?"
"...master qui gon?"
"yeah! i gave one to my parent yesterday and master qui-gon said he wanted one too!"
"Your parent? when exactly was this yesterday?"
anakin being a convoy for dead masters and their old padawans like Weed Dad qui gon jinn and his Struggling Son obi wan
anakin has two parents
Parent and Mom
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phantomphangphucker · 3 years
Text
Phic Phight - The Weird Little Shit
For: @darks-ink
A class discussion held by Wes about Danny’s weirdness was never not going to be an absolute cluster fuck
Wes smacks the board, “alright, fuckers, thank you for coming-”.
“We’re only here because we lost a bet”.
“Shut up, Dash. You shouldn’t have to be strong-armed into learning the truth”. Everyone rolls their eyes at Wes pretty actively. “Anyway, since you all refuse to see or even listen to the truth of what Danny Fenton is. Instead, this. Weird shit about Danny Fenton one oh one”.
Dash snorts, “now this I can get behind, little shit weighs, like, ten pounds or some shit”. Wes points at him aggressively, “exactly”. Scribbling down ‘weighs less than a sack of potatoes' on the board. Star throwing in her two cents, “yeah and I’ve seen Sam just pick him up under her arm and run off”.
Brittney smacks her desk, “half the time he makes food directly in home ec it’s fucking cold, which ew, but also really weird”.
“Oh yeah he does that with his drinks too. He whole ass ‘drank’ a solid chunk of ice, major power move honestly”.
“And remember that snowball fight? I don’t think he ever actually made any snowballs, he just kept acquiring them”.
“Kid made for a great air conditioner when all the windows got stuck shut though; guy runs cold as fuck”.
Wes is just aggressively scribbling more down with a mildly manic grin.
“We should totally invite him to parties so he can keep the fucking beer cold”.
Dash laughs loudly and smacks Dale on the arm, “now there’s an idea!”, deadpanning, “still not inviting freaky Fenton though”. Dale chuckles very awkwardly.
“Well he’s an ice sculptor so that’s not surprising”.
“What the fuck do you mean ‘ice sculptor’? He clearly lifts weights in his spare time”.
“Oh yeah, he lowkey picked up the back end of my car once”.
“James, your car is a tiny little piece of shit. I could lift that damn thing”.
“Hey”.
“Anyway. Like I was saying, people who handle cold shit all the time, you know, like ice sculptors, usually have cold hands”.
“He lifts weights! Not ice sculpts!”.
“Here I though he was a painter”.
“Why the fuck would he be doing that?”.
“Well he’s always randomly splattered in green paint”.
Basically everyone pauses to look at Hanna. Kwan blinking, “the green is ectoplasm, duh”. Emilie shrugging and nodding, “everyone knows that”.
“Well I thought it was paint”.
“Well you’re clearly stupid”.
“Shut up”.
Dash waves everyone off, “so clearly not a painter or weight lifter, because have you seen his goddamn noodle arms?”.
“He lifts weights!”.
“No he doesn’t!”.
“Who cares! Have you seen his dad? Of course he’s a strong little shit! What really gets me is him getting out of locked rooms”.
“Oh he whole ass climbs out windows and shit”.
“All that ecto that gets on his skin makes his hands all sticky, hence why he can climb the side of buildings”.
“When the heck did you see him doing that?”.
“Oh I totally saw him showing off knife swallowing to some elementary kids”.
“I think he hangs out and does drugs or some shit on the roof”.
“So he climbs up the school building to do drugs? Why wouldn’t he just use the hidden steps like a normal person?”,
“I’m pretty sure the kitchen staff actually include him in their budget for missing utensils cause he eats so many of them”.
“Julie, no one’s saying Danny’s close to normal. Also kids got an iron stomach damn”.
Dash has to jump in there, “I totally made him eat my underwear once”. Earning him a round of judging glances. “What? I didn’t expect him to actually do it. I was planning to mock him for pussying out. But then the little fucker went and did it”.
“Power move”.
“Shut up”.
“You fed your underwear to a guy who builds guns?”.
“Excuse me but what?”.
“Maybe him doing so much dangerous shit is why his heartbeats all slow and stuff”.
“Again, excuse?”.
“Well we totally tested everyone’s heart rates and breathing and shit and he’s super low. He blamed his corn supper”.
“That’s stupid”.
“His corn supper had teeth, Todd”.
“Back to the gun making because what?”.
“FentonWorks is a weapon company what do you expect?”.
“James, he made a shotgun out of a pencil, two toothpicks, an elastic band, and a snapped in half penny. The thing was magically welded together”.
“You can’t weld a fucking pencil. It’s wood, moron”.
“Well it was goddamn wielded”.
Wes grumbles, “yeah he welded my binder zipper together once, stupid pyrokinesis”. Star glares at him, “I thought this wasn’t about your crazy conspiracy crap?”. Wes glares at her like she’s stupid.
“Ignoring Wes being crazy again. You guys do know he has laser beam lipstick right? He could totally weld stuff with that”.
“Didn’t he have a tail that one day?”.
“Huh?”.
“That lipstick of his is the plasma peach one right? Because girl I so need some, it makes amazing blush”.
“Oh no a dog just crawled under his shirt. I think he was trying to hide the treats or some shit?”.
“Fucking where? in his shoulder blades?!?”.
“Oh my god that’s right, he can totally pop all his joints out so probably yeah”.
“Since when could he do that? Better yet, why? Fucking ow”.
“His fingers also glow green when he cracks them”.
“Right Right I remember that! We also got him under a black light, totally wild”.
“I wish I could pop out my joints randomly”.
“He probably just eats glow sticks and they leaked into his joints and shit”.
“THAT MAKES NO SENSE”.
“Who cares, take him to a rave”.
“Oh my god yes he does amazing makeup”.
“Wait Fenton does makeup now too?”.
Wes points at Dash, “he’s got to cover up the dead parlour to his skin somehow”. With half the class shouting, “HE’S NOT DEAD”.
Emilie pursing her lips, “but what if he was, that would be hot”.
“EXCUSE ME!?!”.
“Oh get off your vanilla basic bitch high horse, Karen”.
Wes rubs his forehead, “not this shit again”. Smacking the board, “weird shit about Fenton, people! Not y’alls weird necrophilia fetish!”.
“Hey that’s just Emilie”.
Jesse looks genuinely offended, “bitch what? Have you seen a ghost? That glow? Mmmmmh yeah, daddy”.
Star chokes, “oh my god. I love our town”.
Wes sighs, “I should just start blocking you people from seeing ghosts at all. Cover those eyes until you stop BEING FUCKING BLIND”.
“Eyes never stop seeing, they just get covered”.
“NO! NO! BAD!“.
“That weirdly reminds me that Danny can totally walk with his eyes closed”.
“That’s weird how?”.
“How ‘bout you fucking try it then!”.
Dash shrugs, “well his eyes go glowy green all the time so no surprise he can just see through his eyelids”. More than a few people look to him, “why did you not add that to the weird list?”.
“Because it’s not weird”.
“Dash... do you know anyone with goddamn glowing eyes... besides ghosts”.
“Uhhh the entire Defect Quartet”.
“Excuse?!?”.
“Honestly him biting open pop-cans is weirder”.
“Oh god yeah, that’s horrible to hear”.
“He dead ass cut his lip up once doing that and just... kept doing it. There was blood all over his neck”.
“Why the heck didn’t anyone take an edgy aesthetic photo of that? Goddamn”.
“I feel like this is more an off-the-books class on discovering that Danny might actually be hot”.
“You wanna say Fenton’s hot again? I’ll goddamn choke you, motherfucker”.
“Do it you fake ass bear dom”.
A couple of people shuffle out of their desks and away when Dash actually throws a punch at Jasper.
“On a side note, once saw Danny sleeping in a trash can”.
“How is that weird”.
“How isn’t it? It’s a trashcan”.
“And he’s trash, your point”.
“YOU'RE GONNA HAVETA HIT HARDER IF YOU WANT TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION ON YOUR TWINK BOY! HE’S DURABLE AS FUCK!”.
“FUCK YOU!!!”.
“Huh, he did survive falling from the ceiling multiple times and that drowning once”.
“Fucker wasn’t drowned, he can breathe underwater”.
“Excuse me?”.
“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!”.
Dash snapping his head around, “IM TEACHING HIM A LESSON!”. Jasper just smirks, “I DON’T NEED BREATH PLAY TIPS FROM YOU!”. Dash tries punching him again.
“This is ridiculous, I mean really, Danny would be the dom”. That silenced the entire room.
“What?”.
“Come on, he ate Skulker once ‘cause the guy was coping him an attitude”.
“DANNY EATS GHOSTS?!?”.
Wes turns around and slams his head on the board, “God fuck this is such a cluster fuck”.
“You’re hosting this and holding us hostage here”.
“YOU’RE NOT MY HOSTAGES! YALL LOST A BET!”.
“Oh suck my toes”.
“WHAT?!”.
“While Wes loses his mind for the fifth time this week, what we’ve got is he’s icy as shit, likes welding and makeup and ice sculptures and weight lifting, weighs fuck all, just vores goddamn everything, and climbs shit weirdly well?”.
“You’re forgetting all the glow shit”.
“HA! Glowing shit”.
“Fuck Todd, you are a dumbass”.
“IN SHORT LOCAL ELDRITCH TEEN BUT HE’S STILL NOT A GODDAMN GHOST WES!”
“FUCK YOU! IT’S SO GODDAMN OBVIOUS HOW ARE YOU PEOPLE LIKE THIS OHMYGOD!”.
Just then Danny Fenton opens up the door, the class going dead silent while he glances around slowly. Him looking to the whiteboard, then slowly back to his fellow teens, speaking “Oh no. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no”, while slowly backing out and closing the door.
At first, no one says anything before Star snickers, “pffft”; the entire classroom bursting out into laughter directly afterwards.
Wes turning around and smacking his head on the board once again, “why. Just. Why me”.
END.
Prompt: Wacky reveals (ex: Danny drying up too quickly bc intangibility, Danny's drink stays cool way too long, people's electronic devices are always more charged when they've been near Danny, etc)
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piratewithvigor · 3 years
Text
Eldritch Horrors Anonymous: A Wrestler Fic
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Dr. Shelby's led plenty of support groups before and helped plenty of people in them. But these people aren't exactly people...
(I spent the last two days binging matches and assorted other videos to try and get the characterizations right, so let's see how this goes)
Plenty of bad crack below
When Dr. Shelby had been approached with the idea of running this group, he’d been… unsure. Possibly even apprehensive. He’d led groups for violent individuals before; anger management was the most memorable, but the coordinator nearly begged him to start this one. She’d had some of these individuals in other groups, but none of their problems truly seemed to stem from the focus of the groups they tried. They had a unique problem. A unique struggle that needed support from others just like them.
It was the night of the first meeting and he wasn’t quite sure what the outcome might be. The community center had been advertising it for the last few weeks and he’d heard about some interested parties, but the exact number was a little unsure. He’d been told a ‘handful’, which wasn’t frustrating as an imprecise number until it came time to set up the chairs in the room. Six seemed like a good number. A couple, but not too many. Colder drinks were set out on a table along the edge of the room. Nothing too hot. A lot of those coming had problems with heat. As well as with machinery. Some of them had habits with… well, with making it explode.
God, he hoped nothing exploded during this meeting.
The flyer stapled to the bulletin board said the meeting started at 6 and it was 5:55 when Dr. Shelby sat down in his chair opposite the semi-circle. The noticeably empty semi-circle. A part of him was disheartened that the room was empty, but a much more selfish part was deeply relieved. He’d spent a few days reading articles about these individuals and how best to help them. Unfortunately, not much research had been done besides describing the pain they inflicted in such gruesome detail that Dr. Shelby had felt the need to make himself a cup of tea.
But those were laboratory settings. This was a friendly support group. No one was being forced to be there, or even being paid. They were coming because they wanted to.
By 6:03, he was tempted to just start packing up. Maybe no one was coming. Maybe the group was a bad idea in the first place. He’d been told to wait until 6:05 for people to arrive, but even just two more minutes seemed like too many to just sit there.
He was shaken from his thoughts by the large metal door on the other side of the room creaking open slowly. A hand gloved in black leather wrapped around and Dr. Shelby tensed for a moment until the owner of the hand appeared. A pleasantly-dressed gentleman in a neat sweater, a short beard and his hair pulled back looked around the room before spotting Dr. Shelby and seeming to relax.
“Excuse me, is this Eldritch Horrors Anonymous?” He asked, smiling warmly.
“Uh, it’s supposed to be,” Dr. Shelby nodded. If anyone had shown up, he wanted to add, but bit his tongue back.
The man’s smile widened and he turned back from the room to call over his shoulder. “Found it, guys! We’re supposed to be in here!”
Guys? There were more?
Maybe the night wouldn’t be such a bust after all.
The man stepped inside the room and pulled open the door politely. Dr. Shelby couldn’t see the people until they entered, but it didn’t truly matter; no amount of time could have prepared him for the group joining him.
The first one to nearly skip through the door looked like a child at first glance. Definitely not an eldritch horror. She wasn’t much taller than one and with her long blonde hair pulled into pigtails and a doll clutched to her chest, she looked even more like one. She paused long enough to thank the man holding open the door before taking a seat in the middle chair of the semi-circle, directly across from Dr. Shelby. It wasn’t until she was fully seated that he got a proper look at her face. Her strikingly icy eyes were surrounded by thick black rings and every time the hairs in front of her face moved, Dr. Shelby swore he saw black liquid dripping from her scalp. The chill that went down his spine was either negated or enhanced by her wide, jubilant grin. He wasn’t sure which.
The man who sat beside her also seemed confusingly normal at first glance. A plain black t-shirt and leather jacket. Perhaps a little more… edgy than Dr. Shelby would have preferred to dress, but he seemed like an equally charming young man.
Unfortunately, a pattern of three seemingly normal people did not necessarily mean the group would be.
The next one to enter the room had to quite literally duck to pass through the door. Dr. Shelby guessed him to be seven feet tall, give or take a few inches. He was wearing a black suit that covered most of his body, save for his face, which had its own covering of a deep red mask. He didn’t smile like the others had so far. Not even a polite half-smile of acknowledgment. Just sat down in one of the chairs that looked like it might prove to be a little too small.
Dr. Shelby had been so focused on keeping his expression steady while watching the masked member of the group that he hadn’t noticed one final member sneak in through the door and sit on the other side of the circle. He had an oversized alarm clock clutched in one hand, a paper bag in the other and a steady, intense smile in Dr. Shelby’s direction. Though his face was just as covered in red, he seemed to be the exact opposite of the stoic masked member.
“I think that’s everyone,” the man holding the door declared, taking one last glance down the hall before starting to let it go. He was intercepted by a gloved hand pushing back against the door.
“I’m so sorry I’m late.” A final member slid in, face covered in white and black paint and a long leather coat stretching to his ankles. “All the hallways here look the same.”
“We had that problem too,” the man holding open the door nodded. “Kept walking around in circles trying to find the room. And it didn’t get much easier after the flyer got a hole burnt through it right where the room number was listed.”
“I said I was sorry,” the masked member grumbled.
Oh God, he burnt things unintentionally?
“Don’t worry about it, you’re all on time,” Dr. Shelby interjected, hoping to avoid any conflict between the members before the meeting had even technically started.
The final two men took their seats. Six? Not a bad turnout. Might as well get started.
“Welcome everyone, my name is Dr. Shelby.” A collection of polite nods came his way. “Now, you’re all here because you face the same struggle every day and you wanted to meet people like you. Am I right so far?” Everyone nodded again. “Good. I’ve led a lot of support groups just like these and almost everyone in them has felt major improvements knowing that they have a safe place to share their feelings every week. Why don’t we go around the circle and introduce ourselves and share what brings us here?”
It was always a risky move. Especially with brand-new groups. Some of them were bound to be a little more shy or wouldn’t really want to participate until they felt more comfortable with the other members. Dr. Shelby hoped there would at least be one outgoing one amongst them.
Dr. Shelby knew he wasn’t masking his fear very well. He’d perfected the perpetual smile; it was necessary when leading support groups, but he couldn’t always control his eyes.
The group all looked amongst themselves before the man in the sweater held up his hand.
“I can get the ball rolling,” he smiled, standing up. “My name is Bray and for the last few months, my body gets periodically taken over by my dark half named The Fiend, an entity whose sole objective is to cause as much pain and suffering to those around him as physically possible.”
“Thank you, Bray,” he tried to say with as even a voice as possible. “Who’s next?”
“I’ll go,” the girl smiled, standing up with a flounce. “My name’s Alexa and this is Lilly.” She spun the doll around to reveal the most grotesque face Dr. Shelby had ever seen. He wasn’t certain from across the circle, but it looked like the teeth sewn into the mouth were real. “The Fiend showed me the way into the darkness, and Lilly took it from there.”
This is normal for them. It’s not going to help anyone here if you start looking like you’re scared.
But darn, is that doll ever creepy.
The man with the red face paint stood up next.
“I’m the Boogeyman!” He grinned with wide eyes, looking around at each member of the circle erratically. It was only as he began to move around that Dr. Shelby noticed the paper bag he was clutching seemed to be dripping some kind of dark liquid.
“Thank you for introducing yourself… Boogeyman. If it’s not too personal, do you mind if I ask what’s in your bag there?”
“Worms.”
“Worms?”
Boogeyman unrolled the bag and pulled out a handful of dirt-covered, very much alive earthworms before shoving said handful into his mouth. No one around the circle seemed all that disgusted. Like it was a regular Tuesday evening for them. Except for the man with the white face paint who seemed like he was as pale as a ghost underneath.
“I’ll, uh, that’s fine for this week, Boogeyman, but I’ll please ask you to leave your… worms at home next week. We’re not really supposed to have food in this room to keep it peanut-free,” Dr. Shelby explained, holding back the sick feeling knotting his stomach. “But if anyone is thirsty, I’ve got bottles of water and juice boxes on the back table. Feel free to help yourselves.”
Boogeyman nodded and carefully put his worms back into his bag as he sat down. The man with the white face paint immediately raised his hand.
“Yes, your name is…”
“I think I might be in the wrong place.”
Dr. Shelby looked him over. He didn’t look eerily normal like Bray, and he didn’t seem to have brought a bag of worms as a snack. Looked like he fell somewhere in between.
“You seem like you’re in the right place. This is Eldritch Horrors Anonymous; I don’t know where else you’d be tonight.”
The man’s expression changed from nerves to sheepish understanding. “I thought this was Troubled Goths Anonymous. I couldn’t find the flyer and followed Boogeyman in. My mistake.”
Dr. Shelby nodded understandingly. “Right room, wrong day. Troubled Goths Anonymous is Monday nights.”
The man stood to leave with his hands up apologetically. “It was great to meet you all, but I don’t belong here. Best of luck to you… eldritch horrors.”
“Oh, be careful when you come back on Monday. That’s also when they host Troubled Punks Anonymous. Very similar groups, but people seem to have very strong preferences of one over the other.”
The man nodded and left the room as Dr. Shelby turned back to the remaining members. “Some of you came here from those groups, right?”
“Troubled Punks Anonymous kicked me out a few days ago,” Bray sighed, his perpetual smile dropping for a moment. Everyone murmured their sympathy and Alexa patted him on the knee. “It’s alright, though," he continued. "You all seem like a much better fit so far.”
“That’s the point of this group,” Dr. Shelby smiled. “Now who’s next?”
The man in the leather jacket looked towards the man in the mask before shrugging and standing.
“M’name’s Finn. Sometimes the rage o’ battle brings out the Demon King Bálor from within me ‘n with the openin’ o’ his great eye, enemies are laid to waste a’ his feet,” he explained, about as casually as one would talk about what they did over the weekend.
“Glad to have you here, Finn.” It was getting easier to digest the stories of the people around him as he heard more. Maybe he’d even be able to hear the last one without faking the comfort of his smile. “And last, but certainly not least…” He turned towards the masked man expectedly. There was no smile, polite or otherwise. But he also didn’t seem like he was hesitating because he was shy. Just… grumpy.
“You don’t have to introduce yourself if you don’t feel comfortable, but we’re still a small group and as far as I can tell, all very friendly,” Dr. Shelby pushed a little further. The other members nodded in agreement. Even Boogeyman, who had snuck another worm from his bag into his mouth.
“Fine,” he grumbled, standing up. “I’m Kane. I’m the devil’s favorite demon. I grew up in a basement, suffering severe psychological and emotional scarring when my brother set my parents on fire. From there, I shifted around a series of mental institutions until I was grown, at which point I buried my brother alive... twice. Since then, I’ve set a couple of people on fire and abducted various co-workers. Oh, and I once electrocuted a man’s testicles. Years ago, I had a girlfriend named Katie, but let’s just say that didn’t turn out so well. My real father is a man named Paul Bearer who I recently trapped in a meat locker. I’ve been married, divorced, broke up my ex wife’s wedding and attacked the priest and for reasons never quite explained, I have an unhealthy obsession with torturing Pete Rose.”
Okay, maybe they can get weirder.
“Thank you… Kane.” He paused a moment before remembering back to the list that he’d been given a few days before. “That name sounds familiar; I think I was told to expect you, but they said you might be coming with your brother.”
“Probably won’t happen.”
“Why not? Is he not an eldritch horror?”
“He is. He just won’t come. Has better things to do.”
“Like what?”
“He said ‘watching paint dry’.”
“Maybe when you see him again, you can tell him we’re more fun than watching paint dry,” Alexa suggested, bouncing Lilly on her lap.
“That’s right. And that goes for all of you,” Dr. Shelby mentioned. “If anyone knows someone who might need a support group like this, go ahead and invite them. This isn’t Fight Club; it doesn’t have to be secret.”
The group chuckled a little at his attempt at a joke. Even Kane cracked a small smile.
Dr. Shelby relaxed a little in his seat. These people might dress strangely and have bizarre interests, diets and backstories, but deep down, they were just like anyone else. Maybe he could help them after all.
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and the void looked back to say i love you (Part Four)
A/N: oh look it’s another chapter of phil visiting kristin in the void! but what’s this? it’s wilbur soot with a steel chair! enjoy the local eldritch horror adopting a ghost boy within seconds of meeting him (see you in the reblogs!! i love seeing people’s reactions to fics!)
Warnings: death mentions, some kind of eldritch horror moments that are strangely wholesome (spooky lady near instantly gets attached to ghost boy and ghost boy is a little unnerved by that at first), mild anxiety, mild embarrassment 
Masterpost
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Time still passed as slow and syrupy as the void itself. Phil had built a home in a giant tree with branches that were scarred and burnt from a lightning strike, but Kristin hadn’t moved in quite yet. She wanted to live in the Overworld, to see all the things that Phil had described to her- but was a little reluctant to leave her domain. She wasn’t even completely certain that she could leave the void, and if so not for forever. Phil, of course, took all of this with unrelenting optimism and the assurance that it would all work out. On one visit, he said that he was willing to dig a tunnel down to the void from his house if it meant that Kristin would be able to be somewhat close to him. But in the meantime, he was willing to wait until Kristin was comfortable and confident enough to make a trip to the Overworld, and was more than content to continue visiting her in the void.
Kristin was interrupted by her reminiscing by an echoey scream from above. She immediately drew herself up from the void with wide eyes, and for a brief, panicked moment, she thought the scream belonged to Phil. But the owner of the scream sounded younger, almost like a child’s voice. A translucent teenager suddenly tumbled through the ceiling, screaming all the while until he landed in Kristin’s outstretched hands with a muffled thump.
“Oh! Are you alright?” Kristin asked, frowning in concern at the strange ghostly kid in her hands. A ratty blue cloak was thrown over the kid’s near skeletal form, his bright yellow sweater contrasting from his gray skin. An actual skeletal tail was curled around the teen’s wrist, like he was trying to comfort himself. The kid looked up through a mop of brown hair, pitch-black eyes flashing with green as he met her own equally dark ones.
“What the fuck?!” the kid cried, starting to shuffle backwards in her hands.
“Well that’s not an answer,” Kristin said with a laugh. The kid’s face went paler than it already was at the sound of her laugh.
“I-I’m fine. Who- Who are you, exactly?” the kid managed to stammer out.
“I’m Kristin, Queen of the Void. What’s your name?” she asked cheerfully.
“Wilbur Soot. Uh… king of accidentally phasing through bedrock, apparently,” he said, scowling up at the ceiling. Kristin laughed again, relieved to see Wilbur crack a smile in response instead of seeming nervous like before.
“I’ve never met anyone who could phase through bedrock,” Kristin commented. Wilbur’s tail uncurled from his wrist and lashed behind him excitedly.
“It’s cause I’m a ghost! Well, phantom, technically. I’m supposedly related to those screechy guys who don’t like it if you don’t sleep, but I don’t really see the resemblance,” Wilbur explained with a shrug. Kristin blinked in confusion, about to ask for clarification on the “screechy guys,” but a voice called from above before she was able to speak.
“Wil? Are you down there?” Phil called out.
“Yes! Did you know there’s a giant lady underneath your house?” Wilbur shouted back.
“Well I sure hope so, I’m his wife,” Kristin replied before Phil had a chance to answer.
“You’re his what?! Phil, you married the Queen of the Void?!” Wilbur demanded, glaring angrily at the ceiling, seemingly upset that Phil hadn’t told him about Kristin. The only answer Wilbur got was a cackle of laughter from Phil, and admittedly Kristin was a little confused. She definitely was starting to like this kid, but what puzzled her was that Phil also seemed fond of Wilbur. Where had this kid come from? And how did Phil end up getting close to him?
“Phil, how do you know Wilbur?” Kristin asked. A sigh that mostly consisted of fond laughter was heard from above.
“I’ll explain in a bit. I haven’t quite finished this tunnel yet, I’ll have to come down the long way around,” Phil said, before Kristin heard a muffled flutter of feathers, presumably meaning that Phil had flown off. Kristin looked back to Wilbur, who was still glaring angrily up at the ceiling. He brought his knees up to his chest, folding his arms over the top of them. He rested his chin on top of his arms, and his tail curled around his legs. He seemed to be pouting now, and Kristin couldn’t help but huff out a laugh of amusement.
“Can’t believe my mum is the Queen of the Void and Phil didn’t tell me,” Wilbur muttered. Kristin blinked in surprise. She didn’t recall having a son, nor did she remember Phil saying he had a son. However, Wilbur seemed to think otherwise… could he be Phil’s son? Wilbur had said something about being a ghost, maybe Wilbur was from Phil’s previous home in the islands above the void. But from what Phil had told Kristin, he had been a child when he was forced to leave his home. So how could Wilbur be Phil’s son? Besides, Wilbur didn’t seem to have wings like Phil’s. And Phil certainly didn’t have a bony tail.
“I’m sorry, did you just say ‘mum?’” Kristin asked, wondering if she had misheard. Wilbur’s head popped up, eyes flashing green in alarm as his tail curled tighter around himself sheepishly.
“I uh… nevermind!” Wilbur squeaked, cheeks turning a peculiar shade of blue that Kristin realized must be his way of blushing.
“I’m back and ready to explain!” a voice cried out. Kristin looked over to see Phil swooping down to perch on her hand next to Wilbur. A few of Phil’s crows were with him, one of them landing on top of Wilbur’s head and cawing in greeting. Wilbur smiled up at the crow perched in his hair, tail slowly unwinding from around himself.
“So… I see you’ve made a friend!” Kristin said brightly. Wilbur looked sheepish again, and Phil chuckled fondly.
“I met him a little while ago. I had meant to introduce you to him once I finished the tunnel, but Wil got ahead of me. Both the tunnel, and him, were supposed to be a surprise,” Phil said, sitting next to Wilbur and playfully nudging him. Wilbur only turned a deeper shade of blue, burying his face in his arms and dislodging the crow from his hair. The crow squawked in disapproval, but gently flew back to land next to Wilbur, nudging at his leg affectionately.
“Oh, don’t embarrass him more than I already have,” Kristin admonished with a smile. Wilbur hesitantly peaked up at Kristin, while Phil tilted his head to one side in confusion.
“How have you managed that?” Phil asked.
“He referred to me as ‘mum,’ and I asked him why,” Kristin explained. To her surprise, Phil looked just as embarrassed as Wilbur.
“Ah. Well, you see- I told Wilbur that my crows call me Dadza, and he seemed to take a liking to that nickname and started calling me ‘dad’ too, and I just sort of let it happen? And I might have mentioned being married, and referred to you as ‘Mumza,’ but I realize we haven’t been married that long, but Wil’s a good kid and-”
“Phil?” Kristin interrupted with a soft smile. Phil’s mouth snapped shut and a flush came over his face.
“Yes?” he asked with a timid smile.
“I think Wilbur’s a good kid too,” she replied, looking to Wilbur with a smile. Wilbur still looked rather flustered, but he smiled brightly at Kristin. That is, until he turned to glare at Phil.
“You didn’t mention that Mumza was the void, Phil,” he said, tone starting off as accusatory but Kristin could hear the smile creeping onto his face. Phil outright cackled, stretching out his wing to wrap around Wilbur and tug him closer to ruffle his hair. Wilbur giggled, swatting away Phil’s hand but not moving an inch from being nestled at his side. Kristin’s heart fluttered fondly at the sight of them in her hands. They were an odd family- the Queen of the Void, her elytrian husband, their phantom son, and a murder of crows- but Kristin knew even then that she wouldn’t trade them for the world.
-
MCYT Taglist (lmk if you want to be added!): @franticfandomfanatic
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lunewell · 3 years
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The Lunewell Saga - Natura: Chapter 1
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Finally, finally I can show you guys a preview of the horror book I’m publishing in October (:. You can find chapter 1 below, and if you’d prefer, you can read it on ao3 by clicking here!
Chapter 2 is now out and can be found here (:
Enjoy!
Book Sumary:
Zarifa Birch, an antique shop worker with an unusual past, has made a home for herself in the sleepy town of Lunewell. Though the shop she works at is not exactly ordinary, with cryptid items and odd occurrences, she has managed to carve the normal life she always desperately wished for out of it.
However, all that comes crumbling down, as a woman from Zarifa’s past throws everything into chaos. Faced with unimaginable horrors, seemingly unsolvable mysteries, and returning repressed feelings and memories, Zarifa along with her coworkers, must find a way to return the balance- and escape the cruel hands of death in this eldritch horror mystery.
Chapter 1:
Thorn’s Antiques and Restoration, tucked away in the tall trees that encircled the small town of Lunewell, wasn’t the place where one would expect a woman like Zarifa to work. The building was merely a converted two-story brick house, though even then the antique shop itself only operated on half of the ground floor and the basement, and the employees could consider themselves lucky if even so much as a single soul wandered in.
  From an outsider’s perspective, it made no sense. Zarifa did not originate from Lunewell, had little to no interest in antiques, and had a Bachelor’s in English of all things, whose only tie with antiques was the pompous, ivory tower assholes pestering both fields. However, if said outsider were to ask Zarifa herself, or any other of the two working in the building, why she had this job, she would have said that it was the only path she could have ever imagined herself working.
  Though even she had to admit, for as much as she loved her job, it could sometimes be… tedious. 
  Very tedious.
“How many crates of… art did we receive again?” Zarifa asked, white patched ebony fingers holding one of the many, many paintings of eerily realistic human eyes shoved haphazardly in a box. The crates had arrived this morning, heavy and worn, and were sitting in the off-white ‘employees lounge’, that only equated to a singular desk, a sofa, a microwave that never heated all the way through, and two uncomfortable plastic chairs.
 “Only two,” Bruin responded, not bothering to look up from the wooden desk, where he had his nose buried deep in a black title-less book. Zarifa would have asked what he was reading, but stares through dark thin eyes and sighs had long taught her not to. “Bought in by an Anthony Bell earlier this morning.”
  “Thank you,” Zarifa said, giving Bruin a warm smile that didn’t go noticed. She then turned to her other coworker, who had been sitting sheepishly on one of the back-destroying white chairs. “Why do we have two crates of creepy eye-paintings, again?”
  “Okay there’s actually a good reason this time boss,” Grant said hastily, chestnut brown hair messy and glasses half sliding off his face, “I was taking a walk to that cosy little bakery- you know, the one owned by that very sweet elderly couple on the other side of town, which by the way makes cakes straight from the heavens-”
  “So you were walking to the bakery, and then?” Zarifa interrupted.
  “Oh right. I had walked a little ways from the house, when I saw a white van stopped up by the road with a man looking quite pissed off outside. I went up to have a chat with him and found out he was an absolutely fascinating art major named Anthony who had run out of petrol. To make a long story short, I invited him in for a cuppa whilst he waited on the towing truck, found out he was getting rid of these absolute gems, and bought them off him.”
  Zarifa and Bruin, who had finally looked up from the pages, both stared at him. Bruin was the first to break the silence; “you bought antiques from an unverified source, in a van out of petrol, who you also invited inside my home for tea?”
  “Hey! I pay the rent too!” Grant defended, “and besides, I got, you know, the feeling off him. There was already a description of the antiques inside the box, meaning they’ve been passed around a little. If you two don’t want them here, I can take them.”
  “We can keep them,” Zarifa decided, looking at the realistic paintings once more. They were all extremely similar, each one having a blue iris and white pupils. As she moved around the box, it almost felt as though they were all following her movements. She shivered and put the lids back on; “I’ll carry this down. Grant, go open shop, and Bruin, go register these in the system, please.”
  Grant gave her a mock salute, before trudging out of the door and into the shop room, whilst Bruin nodded and turned to the big, archaic box of a computer sitting on the desk. Zarifa stacked and grabbed the two worn crates, surprisingly light in her arms, and made her way to the spiral staircase. They were narrow, seemingly ever looping steps falling into darkness that made walking down them almost impossible. She had once tried to convince Valour to install some lights over the stairs, to reveal the actual length of them and to make sure Grant would stop tumbling down into the abyss, but she had only received a stern no and an icy glare that could kill. 
  So her only options were to walk down carefully, whilst gripping onto the wall for dear life, like she was currently doing. The stairs went on for what seemed like minutes, nothing in her sight as she was swallowed in complete darkness, with no way to judge her surroundings except her shoes hitting the steps. Finally, a flickering light made its way up the stairs, and she saw the start of grey concrete.
  To say the archival basement was lit, was perhaps a bit of an overstatement. There was precisely one dim and occasionally flickering lamp in the room, slightly illuminating cobwebs glued to the walls and dusted shelves of antiquities, but not much else. However, the room was like a scorching desert sun compared to the void Zarifa had previously descended. 
  Making her way between the shelves, past the bag of hand-sewn doll-heads, slightly cracked vases, and mirrors so ladened in dust that one couldn’t see the distorted reflection anymore, she found a small group of paintings. Paintings were one of the rarer antiques for them to receive, so there was plenty of space for the two crates.
  Before slotting them in, she opened them, quickly counting the amount. There were fourteen in total, seven in each box, all in a roughly similar condition and all painted in the same way. Oddly enough, there was no signature nor name, but there was a little slip of paper at the bottom. She picked it out of the crate, and stuffed it in the pocket of her blazer, before closing the lids again.
  Zarifa slid the boxes between a painting of a single red rose titled ‘Chaos’, and a two-hundred-year-old painting titled ‘A Girl in Field’ containing a suspiciously girl-less field. There had been a debate on whether they were all just missing her, whether it was a mislabelled piece, or if it was supposed to be some kind of metaphor, but seeing as it was hardly the weirdest thing in the basement, they had all just grown to accept it. She shivered once again, the basement giving the feeling of being watched, and grabbed the golden butterfly that hung around her neck. She fiddled with the wings, every touch calming her slightly as she began making her way up the stairs. 
  The ascent up the spirals always seemed to take a considerably shorter time, perhaps because the imminent danger of falling had disappeared. Zarifa was up at the top in the blink of an eye, walking into the lounge to see both Bruin and Grant inside. Bruin turned to her from the computer; “‘Antique Eye-Painting x14’ has been written on the document,” he informed. “Did we have any other information?” 
  “I couldn’t find any signature or date on the painting itself,” Zarifa said, reaching into her blue blazer pocket and pulling the paper with a heavy brown tint out, “but there was a note accompanying it. The paper looks old enough to consider it an antique, at least.” 
  “Well, go ahead,” Grant piped up from the couch, “tell us about dear Anthony’s creepy eye pairings.” Zarifa nodded, unfolding the paper as carefully as she could, and began reading.
  ‘The Grey Man’ by Elizabeth B.- 1885
  He is watching from the water. Watching with the trees.
  Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
  The Grey Man is knocking 
“Grey Man?” questioned Zarifa, “that’s not a reference to anything, is it?”
  “Not as far as I know,” Grant said, sitting up from where he had flopped on the couch, “help us out Bruiny?” She heard a sigh from the corner, and a slight grumble, but he did eventually speak.
  “The Grey Man isn’t a reference to any historical event, no,” Bruin began, “but it isn’t something we haven’t heard before. I believe it’s referenced somewhere in Valour’s notes”
  A heavy silence fell over them at the mention. “Oh no,” Grant began, “no, no, no. The weirdly detailed cult worshipping cows with inverting eyes was enough, and the murderous glare Valour gave me afterwards almost made me piss myself. I am not going through those notes again, I don’t want to be skinned alive by our own version of Leatherface.”
  “That’s a bit far, isn’t it?” Zarifa said, “We shouldn’t go around accusing her of being a murderer, just because she’s a bit…”
  “Mental?” Bruin quipped from the back.
  “...peculiar,” she settled on, “she’s a bit peculiar.” Zarifa knew, of course, that calling Valour peculiar was a massive understatement- and even calling it a massive understatement was a massive understatement, but she would not be the one to speak ill about her boss with a potential murder streak thank-you-very-much.
  “Need I remind you of that day Valour came covered head to toe in ‘red paint ’ that smelled suspiciously like copper?” Grant said, “she obviously did some serial-killering-“
  “Killering?” Bruin asked with a cocked brow, turning Grant a salmon shade of pink and bringing a bright smile on Zarifa’s face that reached her dark brown eyes. 
  Grant made sounds akin to a drowning man. “It doesn’t matter,” he finally sputtered out, “what matters is that our dear creepy landlord was covered in what was clearly blood, passed it off as paint, and we just acted like it was normal!”
  “I don’t like it either, but I’m not going to be the one to call her out. Besides, maybe it’s a good thing. At least the days here are... interesting.” Zarifa said with a smile. “If we stopped the weirder stuff from happening, these days would pass slower. Especially since we don’t have any custom-“
  The sound of the bell that hung above the door, a loud and horrid thing, rang through the building.  
  “You were saying?” Bruin said, looking as amused as Bruin could be. Meanwhile, Grant shot up like a puppy, sprinting in an unprofessional manner towards the counter. Zarifa joined him, though her walk was much more slow and graceful. 
  She crossed through the shop door, which always stood wide open nowadays, and turned the corner. However, she stopped before she could reach Grant, who was staring at the stranger as much as she was. 
  Now, what needs to be said and understood about Thorn Antiques Shop, and the town of Lunewell in general, was that strangers were one of the rarest sights. Sure, occasionally one could find one of the neighbours’ relatives, or a gang of cyclists and hikers, and even tourists that had gotten hopelessly lost, which was impressive considering landing in Lunewell was a skill within itself, though these were few and far in between.
  The customer, who was scanning through the shop with what Zarifa could almost call interest, didn’t look remotely like a relative, a hiker, a cyclist, or even a lost tourist.
  She was short, with strawberry blonde hair tied into pigtails by two baby pink ribbons, pale but warm skin that made the light freckles on her cheek pop, and a stark black leather jacket which was visibly well-loved. There was something incredibly familiar about her, though Zarifa couldn’t pin down exactly what it was. 
  The customer’s fingers trailed over one of the antique chairs, before she sprawled over the priceless thing like a rag-doll. The violation snapped Zarifa out of her trance; “Excuse me, miss, but you can’t sit in those chairs!” she informed the customer, her voice raising a pitch higher when the blonde started fiddling with a lighter suspiciously close to the fabric.
  The customer’s head snapped up like a predator hearing prey, and for the first time, Zarifa noticed the woman’s eyes. The irises were a bombastic explosion made of hues of bright green, though it was almost impossible to tell from a first glance, as the pupils were blown so wide as to make the colour but a ring around a black hole.
  There was both something incredibly dangerous about the way she stalked over, sizing her up with those void eyes, but simultaneously, something incredibly intriguing- dare she say attractive- about the girl that made Zarifa want to keep her eyes on her forever.
  “Waste of a good chair, really,” the customer began, leaning over the counter, “what the fuck kind of shop doesn’t allow you to test the chair before you get it?”
  “I know!” Grant exclaimed, turning to the dark-skinned woman. “That’s what I keep saying! How can I know if the chair is good if I’ve never tried it!”
  Zarifa shot a disapproving look at him, irritated that he would encourage this girl. “What can we help you with, miss?”
  “Oooh, miss.” the woman drawled, “I’m looking for a collection of very… special papers that I left in the hands of one Valour Thorn a few years back.”
  “Special?” Grant asked, a look of confusion passing over his face. Zarifa was sure she mirrored the same puzzlement, but the woman merely grinned- an expression that yet again invoked that familiar feeling.
  After a few seconds had passed, and it had been made clear that she would not elaborate, Zarifa grabbed the notepad and pen on the counter and asked for her name. Maybe she was registered somewhere in the frankly ancient system. Assuming they even had a sort of registering system. She had never been the one to handle the technical aspects.
  “Lottie. Lottie Rose,” she said, and Zarifa’s hand froze on the paper. She glanced back up at the blonde, eyes wide and mouth dry. Of course, how hadn’t she seen it earlier? The clothes, the eyes, the lighter everything suddenly made more sense as her memory flooded back.
  “Lottie?” she whispered, faint as the whispers of a breeze, and there must have been something in her tone, because the striking green eyes widened comically, before the blonde suddenly burst out into a tension filled laugh.
  “Should’ve guessed it,” Lottie said after calming down, “can’t be that many Southern old-book nerds with vitiligo around. You should get name tags, I would have recognised Zarifa anywhere.”
  Her name was said in a smaller tone, filled with… with something that melted Zarifa’s insides like molten lava. They stood there in silent pressure, eyes on each other but gazes not quite meeting. It was for the better, as Zarifa’s heart was hammering hard enough that she was worried her ribcage might break. Whether it was from fear or something much scarier, she couldn’t quite tell.
  Grant snapped his fingers, both of them practically sighing in relief as the tension lifted; “Oh”, he began, smiling widely, "exes or childhood friends?” And just like that, the tension was back to crushing. 
  While Zarifa wasn’t quite sure of the state of her own face, Lottie had gone a complete shade of tomato red. “We’re neither,” Zarifa squeaked out curtly, Lottie nodding frantically along. “Can you give me a description of the papers?”
  Lottie straightened out at the request. “Can’t miss them. They’re in an ornate wooden and gold box, with a leaf engraved in the front,” she said, “it’s locked, as far as I know. Don’t know where the key is, but that’s hardly a problem.” She made yet another predatory smirk. 
  “I-I’ll go look for the papers, uh, in the back... miss,” she pushed herself from the counter at an almost inhuman speed and paced into the lounge. On her way, she bumped into one of the chairs, toppling both herself and the object. The sound alerted Bruin, who looked at her quizzically.
  “Was she your ex?”
  “No!” Zarifa exclaimed exasperatedly, “Not every woman I know is an ex!”  
  “No need to get defensive,” Bruin said, flipping a page, “I was just wondering if Grant’s observations were correct.” 
  Zarifa took a deep breath. “Sorry about that. I suppose her visit just… surprised me.” she straightened the chair, and looked at Bruin, “You haven’t seen a wooden and gold box engraved with leaves around here, have you? I can’t recall it, but you’re usually the one sorting the items, so I figured you might have seen it.”
  Bruin hummed, putting down his book and looking pensively at her. “I might have,” he said, after a quiet moment, “though if we do- or did, at any point, it’s not anywhere in the basement.” He glanced up at the ceiling, before returning to the book.
  “I suppose it’ll be upstairs, then,” Zarifa said, with a heavy sigh, “I’ll make Grant call Valour, see if she can bother to show up from… wherever she’s gone.” And try to explain to Lottie that those papers might be inaccessible, she thought, but didn’t add. Lottie was a lot of things, but patient and calm, she was not. 
  As she made her way back to the counter, gripping the golden butterfly hung on her neck tightly, she tried to calm her heart and thoughts. A part of her still refused to believe Lottie was here, after all these years, in an antique shop of all places. It almost felt taunting, in an odd way. The life Zarifa had tried so hard to run from and avoid sneaking through the door, looking more dangerous and simultaneously more intriguing than ever.
  What life had Lottie led? What had happened since that last night? How did she know Valour? What did she want with the papers? All the questions buried themselves into Zarifa’s head, burning and begging for answers. And as Lottie, drumming her fingers on the counter as Grant rambled off about something, came into view, she realised what Eve must have felt like looking at the apple.
  Lottie perked up as Zarifa entered the room, though as her eyes drifted to the empty hands, her smile fell. “Thought I asked for a box,” she said, a raised eyebrow and mean glare that would have been intimidating, had Zarifa not had to deal with years of Valour, and not known that for her, Lottie was all growl.
  “We do, most likely, have the box,” Zarifa began in her most soothing voice, placing her hands on the counter, “but, it’s currently upstairs, in Valour Thorn’s flat, to which none of us has the keys.”
  Lottie sighed, in an exasperated and slightly overdramatic way; “‘Course you fucking don’t. Guess she hasn’t changed at all, still closed off, disappearing, and secretive.” 
  Pot meet kettle, thought Zarifa, though kept her cranberry painted lips sealed. “Grant will give her a call in the morning,” Zarifa said, pushing over a blank slip of paper which had Lottie R- half-written on it in quite nice penmanship. “Just write down your number, and we’ll call you when she arrives.”
  Lottie pulled the paper closer to herself, though made no move to write. “Think she’ll even show up?” she asked, turning to Grant, who smiled at that.
  “Valour actually seems to like me,” he said, proudly, “or, tolerate, at least.”
  “Huh. Didn’t know people still practised witchcraft around this part.”
  “It’s all in my muffins, cakes, and pitiable nature,” Grant said, only half-joking, “I’ll give you a taste one time if you decide to stick around.”
  Lottie nodded, before scribbling onto the paper, and sliding it back. It contained no number, but the name had been completed, albeit with a much sloppier if artistic handwriting. “I’ll know when she returns,” Lottie said, bouncing from foot to foot. There was a firmness in her voice, and she said it with such confidence that Zarifa almost believed her. Almost. “How’s the nightlife here? Worth sticking around for?”
  “Horrid, simply dreadful,” Grant butted in, before Zarifa had the chance to give a quick answer and an even quicker goodbye, “but we do have a lot of pretty places to take a midnight stroll. Trees are lovely here, especially now in the autumn.” He paused, a contemplative look over his face, “Come to think of it, I do know quite a lot of dealers around here that can hook you up, if you’re up for it.”
  “Grant!”
  Lottie chuckled, amusement painted in neon on her face. Seeing some of that flame inside her come to light filled Zarifa with a sense of joy, that she pushed down with a strength bodybuilders would be jealous of. 
  “Oh, I like him,” Lottie declared to Zarifs, jabbing a finger in Grant’s general direction. Her green eyes- which Zarifa had to stop looking at, traced down from Zarifa’s own eyes before landing on her neck. Lottie’s posture, previously energetic and bouncy, froze. “You kept the necklace,” she whispered, though the sound felt louder than all the explosions of the universe.
  Zarifa’s hand was instantaneously on the golden butterfly hanging around her neck, shielding it from the world. The metal felt cool against her skin, even if she could feel her racing heart where her hand rested. “Felt it was a shame to let it go to waste,” Zarifa murmured, technically true, “so I just kept it.” She shifted in the silence for a while, doing her best to ignore Lottie’s eyes glued to the necklace, before clearing her throat and putting on her best ‘professional’ tone; “Was there anything else you needed?”
  Lottie shook her head, leaning back from the counter and adjusting her leather jacket. “No, I’ll be back soon,” she said, before speeding towards the door. She knocked into the vases, making them wobble like jelly, before pushing the door open like she was assaulting it, and leaving nothing but the sound of a bell and the distant thrum of a motorbike. 
  “Lottie, huh,” Grant said, his tone dazed as though he was lost in a daydream, “she was certainly interesting. I’m a fan. Think we’ll see her around more?”
  “Hopefully not,” Zarifa said, running fingers over the butterfly, “hopefully not.” 
22 notes · View notes
snowe-zolynn-rogers · 3 years
Text
Pairings: None
Word Count: 1,835 Words
Summary: Off to a chaotic start, I see. Bakugou gets dared to start a 1-A group chat. The beginnings, Shinsou gains a father figure, and the bakusquad is chaotic.
Warnings: Dead Body Mention, Death Mention, Cursing, Anxiety Attack Mention, Caps, Mental Breakdown Mention, Fire Mention, Choking Mention, Injury Mention, Murder Mention, let me know if I should tag anything else.
Notes: Shigaraki's alias in the group chat is Ren and Dabi's alias is Haruhi. ¥11,055 is about $100 and ¥110,550 is about $1,000 on the day I wrote this.
Usernames: Area 51   Ashido: aggressive chicken dance, Kaminari: pikachoo, Kirishima: ordained, Jirou: neko neko kneecaps, Sero: wine and cheerios, Bakugou: mother i crave violence, Shinsou: its a mental breakdown
Usernames: Emo Sanctuary  Jirou: tell tale heart, Tokoyami: eldritch peep, Todoroki: i love you 3000, Bakugou: knife tag, Midoriya: bitchasaurus, Shinsou: unhappy meal, Kuroiro: meth and deadamine, Shigaraki: depresso extra shot, Dabi: *sad kazoo*
Into The Group Chat We Go: Chapter 1
1:45 AM
Emo Sanctuary
i love you 3000: I require attention.
unhappy meal: is that so?
i love you 3000: Yes, it is, otherwise I wouldn't have said it.
unhappy meal: @bitchasaurus, your man is sad.
bitchasaurus: He's not my man, Shinsou. Pretty sure he's no one's man, actually. And it's not like I'd have time for a relationship anyway.
i love you 3000: True. I'm not in a relationship.
unhappy meal: regardless, get your friend. the man wants attention.
bitchasaurus and i love you 3000 are now offline
*sad kazoo*: I dare someone to start a group chat with 1a and say something weird.
knife tag: Would I get paid for this?
*sad kazoo*: I'll give you anywhere from 11,05 yen to 110,550 yen.
knife tag: Deal.
2:00 AM
Bakugou has started a group chat
Bakugou has added Hanta, Mina, Eijiro, Denki, and 15 others to the chat
Bakugou has renamed the group chat to Area 51
Bakugou: His body is ready to be taxidermied. It's what Shinsou would've wanted.
Sero: What the fucketh?
Aoyama: Quoi?
Midoriya is now online
Midoriya: You didn't add Shinsou, you ass.
Bakugou: Oops, fuck.
Bakugou has added Shinsou to Area 51
Shinsou: hi I guess.
Aoyama: So your corpse is not being stuffed by Bakugou at the moment?
Shinsou: I mean, he can always taxidermy me while I'm alive. it's not like I'd stop him.
Midoriya: He's not. Kacchan was dared with cash to start this group chat and say something weird. Goodnight, filthy heathens.
Midoriya is now offline
Ojiro: Wow, Midoriya isn't messing around.
Aoyama: I feel ✨insulted✨ being called a filthy heathen.
Ojiro: I mean, it is an insult, Aoyama.
Aoyama: Yes, Ojiro, I understood that.
Sero: Why on earth are you two awake?
Ojiro: Because I can't sleep?
Aoyama: I got hungry.
Sero: Well, go to bed.
2:15 AM
Emo Sanctuary
knife tag: It's done.
knife tag: chatscreenshot.jpg
*sad kazoo* has sent a money transfer to knife tag
*sad kazoo*: Your money's pending to whatever card is attached to your number.
knife tag: moneytransferscreenshot.jpg
eldritch peep: wow, you really sent him 11,055 yen?
knife tag: This man's out here fueling my savings since UA instituted the no job rule since the dorms went into effect.
unhappy meal: they instituted a no job rule!? that's why I got that paper!? I thought that was a joke!
*sad kazoo*: Better put in a two weeks, kid.
unhappy meal: I literally can't. if I don't work, I don't have a way of feeding myself!
*sad kazoo*: Can't you ask your parents to send you food money, Toshi?
unhappy meal: okay, Haruhi, I know you weren't here when we started this chat with just me, Katsuki, Shouto, and Izuku so you don't know but I literally don't have parents, man. I lived in an orphanage until the beginning of the school year and, after I got in, I began renting an apartment near the school so I could attend. which means I'll lose my apartment where my cat and dog stay and it has all my stuff in it too.
tell tale heart: He's having an anxiety attack, someone go get him. I don't know where his room is.
meth and deadamine: I'll check on him.
knife tag: On my way.
eldritch peep: I'm coming, hold on.
*sad kazoo*: I've finally become a father at 28. I knew this shit would happen eventually.
*sad kazoo* has sent a money transfer to unhappy meal
*sad kazoo*: That's your monthly allowance. Do whatever you want, kid.
unhappy meal: I'm gonna cry.
unhappy meal: moneytransferscreenshot.jpg
meth and deadmine: You got 110,550 yen!? Haruhi out here paying kids to exist.
*sad kazoo*: That sounds weird, don't say that. I'm here because I'm Ren's best friend and Ren is Izuku's brother. I've effectively adopted both Katsuki and Hitoshi, I'm not sending random kids money for no reason, they're my sons.
eldritch peep: Ignore him, Kuroiro likes making things sound weird. How does it feel to be a father, Haruhi?
*sad kazoo*: Fatherhood? Guess that means I need to shape up and be a dad, huh?
eldritch peep: Step the fuck up, Haruhi.
*sad kazoo*:  I am, I am. Toshi, kid, don't cry or whatever, everything's gonna be fine.
unhappy meal: thanks, dad.
*sad kazoo*: My heart hurts. Why does it hurt? What the fuck is this feeling?
knife tag: It's called pride. It's because you're happy.
*sad kazoo*: This child is mine now, I'm going to find a way to legally adopt you.
unhappy meal: that would actually be really cool if you did.
*sad kazoo*: Looks like I'm re-evaluating my life tonight so I can make it hospitable for a son. I'm gonna go see if I can figure out how to fix some shit. Night, kids.
knife tag: hitoshicryingabouthavingadadnow.vid
Transcript Begin
"Hito, it's okay." -eldritch peep
"I have a dad now, Fumi." -unhappy meal
"We know, Shinsou." -meth and deadamine
"I have a dad." -unhappy meal
"Time to sleep, Toshi." -knife tag
"Okay. Time to sleep." -unhappy meal
Transcript End
*sad kazoo*: I love my son. Take care of him.
8:25 AM
Area 51
Ashido: ALERT- MY ALARMS DIDN'T GO OFF, PLEASE STALL AIZAWA FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES
this message has been marked as an emergency
Shinsou: On it.
8:40 AM
Area 51
Ashido: What'd you do to distract him, Shinsou?
Shinsou: Oh, gave myself an anxiety attack.
Ashido: SHINSOU!
Shinsou: It was an emergency! You'd be in detention right now if I hadn't. plus I had one last night too so it wasn't hard to do.
Ashido: Shinsou, don't ever do that for me again but thank you. You're getting big bakusquad hugs at lunch.
Shinsou: It's not like it was difficult. I got lots to break down about.
Ashido: Me too, bitch.
4:00 PM
Area 51
Shinsou has changed their name to its a mental breakdown
Ashido: Oh my god, Shinsou.
its a mental breakdown: I figured while I'm at it.
Ashido: Speaking of at it.
Ashido has changed Kaminari's name to pikachoo
Ashido has changed Jirou's name to neko neko kneecaps
Ashido has changed Sero's name to wine and cheerios
Ashido has changed Bakugou's name to mother i crave violence
Ashido has changed their name to aggressive chicken dance
Kirishima: Could you not think of one for me?
aggressive chicken dance: More like can't decide.
Kirishima has changed their name to ordained
pikachoo: You're ordained, Kiri?
ordained: Yeah. I got ordained for my moms' wedding in a few months.
pikachoo: So cool, dude.
ordained: Oh, Shinsou, dude, you said you had an anxiety attack last night, you good, man?
its a mental breakdown: one sec.
4:05 PM
Emo Sanctuary
unhappy meal: can I talk about it, Zuku?
bitchasaurus: Yeah, why not? Because it involves Ren? It's not a big deal, Hitoshi!
unhappy meal: just making sure, some people don't like their personal lives talked about by other people.
bitchasaurus: I don't mind, Hitoshi.
4:09 PM
Area 51
its a mental breakdown: alright. so we had a chat from right after the sports festival with just me, Midoriya, Bakugou, and Todoroki which became an emo chatroom when we added Tokoyami, Jirou, and Kuroiro.
its a mental breakdown: And then Midoriya got in contact with his older brother, Ren and added him and Ren's best friend Haruhi to the chat because he wanted to show off Ren but Ren didn't feel comfortable talking without Haruhi lurking in the chat.
its a mental breakdown: you guys probably don't know but I was an orphan from a really really young age because my parents died when I was young and my other family members didn't want me. and at the beginning of this year, when I got into UA, I moved out of the orphanage, got an apartment close to campus and all, I'd had a job for two years prior.
its a mental breakdown: and last night, Haruhi gave Bakugou 11,055 yen as a dare to start this chat. then Bakugou and Haruhi were talking about the no-job rule because of the dorms and I'd thought it was a joke when I got the paper so I didn't have anything saved up and I don't exactly have parents I can ask for money if I need to buy food and I'm definitely not asking my friends and bothering them.
its a mental breakdown: I mean, I have enough I could coast for a month or two without pay but I feel like Aizawa would kill me for not eating right.
its a mental breakdown: anyway, I had my anxiety attack, Haruhi sent me money, Kuroiro made a sentence creepy like always, and Haruhi called me and Bakugou his sons. him, Jirou and Tokoyami joked about him being a dad for a bit and then he actually told me when I went back online that he wanted to legally adopt me.
mother i crave violence: Thus why I didn't wake up Pinky this morning. I was busy in the Gen Ed dorms with my new brother.
its a mental breakdown: I will have another breakdown, don't tempt me.
ordained: Shinsou, man, that's so awesome! You have a dad! We should have a party for Shinsou getting a dad!
its a mental breakdown: if it makes you guys happy then go for it but if you go crazy with the party again. we already had the incident on my birthday, we're not having another.
Asui: What incident, kero?
its a mental breakdown: Kirishima's hair got set on fire at some point, Sero got tangled onto the railing of my balcony and was hanging from my fifth floor apartment's balcony railing, Mina choked on a piece of burnt tofu, Kaminari slipped in the bathroom and fell into the full bathtub where he then electrocuted himself, Bakugou got his face shoved into the cake and sat in the corner pouting while my cat Ume and dog Anzu tried to eat the cake off his face for the rest of the night, Jirou got lost inside my apartment building, and I hit my head on the counter and had a concussion for a week.
Hagakure: Why is your friend group so chaotic?
mother i crave violence: I like to think I've cultivated a well-functioning group of chaotic demons. At least if one of us is doing something dumb, usually the rest will either follow or do something dumb of their own.
neko neko kneecaps: I'd like to plead innocent as well as shift majority blame to Midoriya's friend group because I just know those idiots could and would collectively kill and hide a body and nobody would ever know it was them.
Midoriya: Bold of you to assume we haven't already.
neko neko kneecaps: Yeah, hi, mom, pick me up, I'm afraid of Midoriya again.
Midoriya: You can run, Jirou, but you can't hide.
neko neko kneecaps: You can't kill me, Bakugou would be sad!
Midoriya: You may live...for now.
neko neko kneecaps: Oh, thank the gods.
Taglist: @lgbtforeverything @rin-tanaka
16 notes · View notes
ketchup-monthly · 3 years
Text
Sanders Sides D&D 2
Ooh fresh take: Jan is virge’s patron and that’s why there’s beef
Also: Jan is some sort of fae related being
Jan: i need you to do something for me Virgil: no Janus: that's not how this works!! Virgil: watch me :P
Okay so I was thinking of Patton as a cleric cuz ooh healer however, Patton as a Druid makes me so happy
I want logan to have Rage
(Also that could tie nicely in an arc about Logan learning to accept feelings)
but barbarian logan is going to be a scholar again and is gonna be smort
bc hes logan. he cant be not smart
Oh I figured he’d be the bbeg that eventually joins the party (hurt/comfort baybee!)(Remus)
he was the bbeg but then joined the party as a bardbarian or just a bard
plus, actual bard who accidentally casts vicious mockery instead of bardic inspiration
Side note: please include a scene where Remus attempts to seduce the dragon
also with this second au, i can start them at like level 5 so people can multiclass
Pat as cleric/druid
gasp logan as artificer/barbarian
janus sorcerer/rogue
because basically everything but alchemist would work well with barbarian, but alchemist feels very Logan
bc mad scientist being actually mad
alchemist logan making an experimental potion and going "here im not sure what this does but im sure its fine! someone drink it"
Remus does it voluntarily, but Logan usually tries to get Roman to drink it
Virgil will occasionally drink it when he's on his last legs and is just like.....100% done with the party
remus as a wild magic path barbarian and just fucking teleporting or doing something equally ridiculous whenever he rages
Oh my god Remus with rage would be a force to be reckoned with
You gotta describe the first time he goes into a rage really dramatically
obviously virgil is trying to "escape" his patron, Janus (really just do whatever he says to not do out of spite)
Eldritch knight roman
Feywild warlock virgil
hey so in the second d&d au, should roman and remus be actual full siblings but like remus went darkside and like romans just trying to get back at him for putting a dark stain on the family name
hey hey hey what about warforged Logan? (essentially a robot)(so like "i dont feel anything" becoming real)
okay hear me out. elf roman and elf base simic hybrid remus. so like maybe the reason remus went darkside was experimentation? so like. hes elf but special
FALLEN AASIMAR VIRGIL
virgil just transforming in the middle of a combat scenario and like his eyes turn into black pits and flightless skeletal wings appear on his back and like everyone near him has to make a charisma check and like he deals extra necrotic damage
Pat is the one human stuck in a band of misfits
so with it, roman would be a full elf, and remus would be an elf that has tentacles bc octopus
So robot logan
i meant literally he doesnt feel anything
like he has all the emotions, but he doesnt physically feel the need to like eat or sleep or stuff like that
he just.....he pretend he don't have the feelings.....but he do.....he feel so much and he hides it all in his littol mechanical heart <3
plus......if he warforged, then like.....AC huge
he stands in front of friends.....he protecc...."no, i don't have feelings, i am physically incapable of affection" but he do!! he do! he take hits for them because he do!! he care so much
Bro he spouts all this and then he uses a reaction to dive in front of someone and everyone’s just like oh
LIKE ROMAN STILL BEING MEAN TO LO BC HE THINKS HE DOESNT HAVE FEELINGS BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE A HEART BUT HE DOES
hey hey everyone needs to grow
and logan standing up for himself and other people stepping in and saying no stop thats not right
plus if canon wont give me roman facing the consequences of his actions towards Logan......
but also Roman learning how to properly handle his own emotions and how he interacts with others
logan who doesn't view himself as anything more than a machine to be useful to others
the party giving logan love and affection until he slowly learns his own worth as a person
Roman and Logan not getting along (maybe Roman has a Lore reason to distrust Warforged, maybe not) and slowly learning to trust each other
when Logan is feeling real down or having some issue, Roman actually comes through to help him, showing how far both characters have come
Okay yes but also can we please give Roman more confidence than canon? Like I’m sooooo sick of low self esteem being played for laughs or just being really really sad
this boy is going on a mission and will slap his brother upside the head and tell him to shut tf up remus youre not a monster just come back home and he will do it alone if need be
OKAY SO WHAT IF HE ORIGINALLY WENT ON THE QUEST JUST TO STOP REMUS ONCE AND FOR ALL BC ROMAN THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER, BUT ALONG THE WAY, AND AFTER LOGAN, HE CAME TO REALIZE THAT NO, JUST BECAUSE REMUS (AND LOGAN) ARE DIFFERENT, THEY ARENT MONSTERS, JUST DIFFERENT
AND LIKE IN THE FINAL PUSH TO MAKE REMUS JOIN BACK WITH HIS BROTHER, ROMAN IS PROJECTING HIS OWN FEELINGS ONTO REMUS AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WOW BRO YOU GOOD THERE, BUT ITS A BIG MOMENT FOR LOGAN, ROMAN, AND REMUS
im unsure as to how, but it happened when he was an older teen/young adult. a simic scientist either picked him (read: kidnapped), or remus volunteered (potentially to escape court life, unaware what exactly the experiment was going to do to him physically
bc also, remus and roman are royalty
so like. how best to get at the nobes/royalty/rich famous people than by turning their kid into a monster
wait, wait, wait, because i'm lowkey a sucker for this trope, but i'm not sure if it fits Remus: the experiments left him with some fairly significant physical pain/uncontrolled magical reactions. through some combo of trying to deal with that and trying find a cure for his pain, he keeps like....absolutely wrecking random towns on accident but also deliberately wrecking certain places looking for either a) vengeance on the guy(s) responsible or b) someone who can make the pain stop
SO LIKE. WILD MAGIC BARBARIAN DOING WEIRD SHIT TO HIM WHENEVER HE RAGES
AND LOGAN COULD MAYBE HELP WITH THE PAIN AND SHIT
BC ALCHEMY
Yknow, for simplification purposes, we could say the True Bbeg just gave Remus lycanthropy and Remus hasn’t managed to control it yet
lycanthropy but simic shit?
Mr. I-Don't-Have-Feelings sees the poor dude in pain and also Roman in emotional pain from seeing his brother in pain and is absolutely like "i must resolve this like right now, immediately" because he definitely doesn't hate seeing his friend suffering, or his friend's brother whom he's just met
he definitely doesn't relate at all to the idea of someone else shaping your body and absolutely does not sympathize with Remus's plight
i was thinking the grappling thing and either manta glide or the ability to breathe underwater for the simic stuff, but like he doesnt have control over the tentacles yet?
Manta glide seems like we could have fun battle scenes
he just jumps off a cliff to avoid mushy talk/dealing with his actions/roman
Roman: Remus just because you're a monster and though i wish i was an only child-- Remus, jumping off a cliff: byyeeeeee Patton: Roman, look what you did! Virgil: dammit jan what did you do? Janus: why do you think i had anything to do with that? im a fae, not a genie Logan, thinking: what an asshole. i wish i could do that
oh my god Logan always being tired mentally bc he cant sleep
Oh my gosh I love that. So Remus got kidnapped super young, (from royal family) they never found him, as a result Roman had to grow up super fast (side effect: lowkey inconsiderate and forgets to ask for others input). Meanwhile, Remus was experimented on by True Bbeg and came out with some trauma and super cool additives
yep! chronic pain and ptsd and all sorts of other shit!
so like, simic hybrids are usually created when they're adults. but what if the true bbeg decided to go younger to see what would happen, and thats why remus has chronic pain and stuff
he was still growing when his genes were spliced, so hes dealing with growth plates shifting and his body maturing and puberty and body changes and stuff
Pat is going to have a lighthearted story. Im saying that now. Hes the one without all the baggage
Sure, but his parents have to lowkey be the really kind people who are surprisingly always down for violence
everyone: multiple crises Pat: y'all need help Pat: love and affection in spades for his little band of misfits
Patton (which I think would be pretty simple, honestly he might just see danger and jump in and suddenly everyone in the party has Feelings)
Logan
Mhm. So how did he grow up? Was he just poof created? Wait
What if he was created by the king?
To make up for remuss disappearance
wait, wait....angst......he was created to fight (hence the barbarian stuff) but alchemy is his real passion
wait so like. a second son???
hes there to replace remus?
Yea! (But like in a sympathetic grief way) But that causes a bit of a complex in Roman and ergo Roman and Logan have a bit of a beef
okay so like. hes there to be a companion for roman, and like take remus' place, even though hes not actually in line for the throne?
LOGAN AS A KNIGHT
and just......the conflict of being created for a specific purpose (plus being, you know, robot and technically incapable of deviated from said purpose) vs the fact that he actually does have independent consciousness and like....wants to live life for himself
the parents made Logan a barbarian in hopes that him and Roman would be safe
okay. so logan was created by the king with the sole purpose to take remus' place as romans brother/companion, and to be his like guard? protector? and fight, but logan wants to be an alchemist and study shit
wait, wait, wait.....thinks about Asimov's Laws
he.....his first operative is protect (specifically protect Roman)
oh man. so hes literally just a shield
his second level operative is just like.....care for Roman's emotional well-being, but he doesn't really know emotions because he was kinda just spawned and nobody told him how
and he just....kind of....lets Roman treat him like garbage and take all his grief out on him because he's staunchly in denial of both having feelings or knowing how they work
Anyway Yea so Logan created by royal family in place of Remus which created angst between the two “brothers” and identity issues in Logan. Their arcs are learning how to healthily process emotions plus Roman apology and Logan commits to alchemy
So big question: why did virge make a deal?
Tricked
he gave janus his name
and instead of janus like killing him or whatever the fae do to people who break the rules of dealing with the fae, jan was like. hey. i'll give you magic, but do what i say
Janus is lawful neutral, but leans towards being selfish
hes self serving, but he has a strong set of morals and rules he follows
Tho I want to Virgil to also not be pushover so let’s say loophole happened and Jan has to stay with virge (hence why Jan is a part of the party)
okay so a couple of the rules are dont give a fae your true name and don't try to figure out their true name
So
what if virgil accidentally gave up part of his true name, and got stuck in the deal, but then figured out janus' true name
so in the same vein that janus had control over virgil, virgil now has more control over janus
he still gets his magic from janus, so he cant break free completely, but virgil has more freedom and can occasionally tell janus what to do or when to shove it
there should a running gag where virge can explain how he learned Jan’s true name but Jan can make something loudly censor him every time
(he learned his name bc once he heard janus practicing his evil genius voice and talking to himself in the mirror and janus said his true name)
so maybe janus sent virgil on the quest to protect a town or stop something related to remus, but virgil dragged him along
he might just be trying to protect a town thats close to a ley line, or something fae-related, and they just happen upon the whole thing
janus is selfish. but lawful vs chaotic is where he comes through, in morals vs doing whatever. janus has a strong set of loyalties to the fae, and to himself
so like....Remus is just too close to Jan's stuff and he wants to take him down
Virgil is just like....exhausted and said "fine, but if i gotta do this, you're coming, too"
or at least figure out a way to protect his place, even if it doesnt mean fully taking out remus. just moving him would work for jan
Janus: virgilllllllllll hes going to mess up my magic storage locker Virgil: Jan, its empty Janus: but its mine
Yea. Remus attacks a city away from the fae: Jan: Yknow I’m gonna sit this one out Virge: oh no you don’t, get up
Or
Janus vs Janice
so his real name is Janus, but Virgil calls him Janice
Virgil: This is Janice Janice: with a “U-S” Virgil: mhm, sure Jan
I'm a big fan of just like any of the old theory name being various aliases for Jan
Damien, Dante, Ethan, Declan, etc, etc
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fandom-necromancer · 3 years
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Obscured by Shadows
Now to the last Halloween short! This was prompted by the wonderful @spacalicious and let me tell you you gave me so much I could have written a full on 60k story about it. I didn’t have as much fun writing a story in a long time. That said, this got long, i���ts a bit over 5k and I’m sorry to those who haven’t got something as long, I hope that’s okay. So enjoy this one!
Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 | AU: Eldritch being?
Nines had always been determined to figure things out for himself. Maybe it was something he valued because he had never been given a real base programming. He knew his model would eventually be used for the military. But Cyberlife hadn’t been able to do more than basic hardware tests on him before the revolution changed the world. He had been informed his prior series had been finished and given a purpose: The RK200 was a caretaker and the RK800 was working for the police. With nothing much to go off of, RK900 had chosen to keep these purposes in mind while finding his own.
He had applied at the police academy immediately after making this decision. He didn’t want to just download a program from someone. He wanted to build his own unique one. And during his time at the academy, he quickly found he liked the challenge of uncovering mysteries. He enjoyed gathering evidence, puzzling together what had happened based on it and uncovering the truth in between sowed lies. It only took him a few years to make it detective and was proud to be accepted at the fifth precinct of the Detroit police department. The Captain had assigned him to Lieutenant Anderson, the officer that had been there the longest, and Connor, the RK800. He was supposed to learn the ropes from them, and Connor was more than glad to show him around.
His predecessor had decided getting to know his co-workers was the best course of action and one after the next pointed out the different persons to him. ‘Okay, as you came in you must have seen the receptionists. The android is a ST300, she calls herself Steph, and the human one is Elisabeth, but everyone calls her Elly. Then we’ve got Officer Collins over there, this is Hank’s desk and mine and there is Officer Willson’s. On the other side we have Officer Person, Officer Chen and Officer Miller. And you already met the Captain. We are a small group, but that’s because SWAT is right there, if you head out this side. Another RK800 is working there, but I’m not on best terms with him. We tend to evade each other. Doesn’t mean you have to though. I can show you around there tomorrow, for now I’ll show you the cells, interrogation room and the meeting room. Then we can-‘ ‘Excuse me?’ Nines felt bad for interrupting, but his eye had fallen on… on what again? ‘Yes? Sorry, I tend to monologue. How can I help you?’ Connor politely smiled at him, while Nines thought about what he had meant to ask about. Connor had showed him all his co-workers and had went on with- right. He looked around again and kept his eyes on the person Connor missed. ‘Who is he?’, he asked, pointing Connor at the man. ‘Hm? Oh. Oh, that’s just Gavin’, the other android waved him off. ‘Detective Reed I believe. He’s an asshole. I met him briefly before the revolution. That was enough to get a clear picture of him. File him under unimportant and go on with it. It’s not really worth knowing the guy, trust me.’ ‘But I introduced myself to everyone personally after the initial briefing’, Nines argued. ‘I believe I must have forgotten him. I at least want to do that.’ Connor shrugged. ‘Fine, knock yourself out. I’ll wait here for you. I doubt you’ll be long.’
Nines made his way over to the man’s desk and read the plague first. Connor had been right: Detective Gavin Reed. ‘Hello! My name is Nines. I’m a RK900 unit and the new Detective. I’m looking forward to work with you!’ He held out his hand and every other person had accepted it and had some niceties left for him. The human in front of him just stared him up and down and grumbled. ‘Phck off.’ Nines recoiled. ‘Excuse me, I just wanted to be nice. I-‘ ‘And I don’t. Mind your own business and piss off!’ Nines knit his brows but remembered Connor’s words. Maybe this one time he could have relied on someone else’s knowledge.
-
He had returned to Connor that day and the other RK had shown him the rest of the precinct. After that the days seemed to rush past: Nines helped Hank and Connor with their cases and quickly afterwards he had his first very own case. The other two had helped him solve it, but it still was one he had led and found most of the clues to. After work he was driving from one place to the next looking for a small affordable flat, but so far, he stayed in the mostly unused stasis-booths at the precinct or simply continued working. In his breaks he had chatted with his co-workers and learned quite a lot about them. Collins had a sweet tooth, Wilson was almost religiously obsessed with football, Person was spending a large amount of his pay checks on his sister’s hospital fees but according to him she is getting better, Chen loved tea way too much and Miller could talk on for hours about his daughter and wife. Nines was quite content with his life and his choice to join the DPD. He liked the challenge actual cases brought to the table and was in general well-liked. So why was something constantly nagging at his systems, directing his attention to empty spaces on the opposite wall or just letting him stare into the nothing somewhere in the precinct? Maybe something was just wrong with his systems.
No, there wasn’t anything wrong with his systems. Nines had checked as he had entered stasis that night. But that would mean something in the precinct actually let his sensors misfire. And apparently, he was the only one to notice that strange phenomenon. The RK900 still doubted himself as he stepped down from the platform that morning. All his co-workers were competent and attentive people. They should have noticed it if something weird was going on in the bullpen. And there was still the minimal possibility of his diagnostic routines failing him. He would keep this to himself for now and keep his eyes open.
It took him almost a month to lose his patience. The errors and inconsistencies piled up and so far, almost all of them could be chalked up to the one person no one seemed to care about or even notice. Gavin Reed. The strangest thing was that Nines himself didn’t care much about the human. In fact, he only ended up focussing on the man as the number of things he didn’t know about him became suspicious. He had made a point of knowing as much as possible and appropriate about his co-workers. He had learned that helped a lot with work climate and integration. The occasional donut for Collins, a signed picture of a famous footballer for Wilson’s birthday, spending his break with Tina once to check out a local tea shop: That all was something that had made him likeable and made working a pleasant experience. But with how much he knew of them, how little he knew of Gavin was worrying.
Sure, the man was an asshole. But even assholes had personalities. There had to be at least rumours about him. But whenever he had asked someone, he had been given the same answers: ‘Reed? Yeah, he worked here for some time.’ ‘He’s an asshole, it seems to be worse with androids.’ ‘Pfft… Nah, he keeps to himself, don’t know anything about him.’ So he wasn’t alone with not knowing, he just was alone with worrying about that fact.
One quiet day, he decided to do some personal research into that mystery. Every human was known to the world in some way or another. Date of birth. Date of graduation. Date of Employment. Criminal record. Won some small prize in the lottery. An Address. Anything. And that was when things got truly confusing. He looked over at the man and felt how his eyes suddenly darted away to movement that he had thought to see at the edge of his vision. He never managed to look at the human for longer than a few minutes. Something was seriously wrong.
‘Connor? Can I speak with you for a moment? In private?’ Connor looked up from his work, then to the clock. He shrugged. ‘Sure. I can take my break early. What can I help you with?’ They left the precinct through the back entrance to have some privacy and Nines began with a sigh. ‘It’s about Gavin.’ ‘Did he do anything to you? Did he harm you?’ ‘No!’, Nines quickly said. ‘No, he didn’t do anything. But he is weird. I… I did some research and…’ ‘Wait. You “did some research”? What are you talking about?’ Nines held his hands up to calm him. ‘Connor, please listen to me, it will all make sense in a minute. How much do you know about Reed?’ ‘Nothing much, he’s an asshole. Otherwise he keeps to himself. Worked here for a long time.’ ‘How long?’ ‘How should I know?’ ‘How long did Person work here?’ ‘For twelve years, exactly a month from now.’ Nines stared at him triumphantly.
‘Hey, I haven’t looked into his file, okay? Never even talked to him. That doesn’t mean anything.’ ‘Well, I looked into it’, Nines picked up where Connor left off. ‘He doesn’t even work here. Officially. There is no file in the systems for his person, his name is only listed as being employed by the city. There is a birth year at least, but no school. No educational record, no graduation paper. Nothing. There is an address, but the place had been towed down ages ago.’ ‘Maybe he forgot to update it. Or Fowler knows and hadn’t updated his new address yet.’ ‘And the missing documents?’, Nines tried to convince him. ‘What about those?’ ‘Humans can be sloppy sometimes. Especially with bureaucracy.’ ‘May I remind you the entire HR department is run by androids by now?’, Nines threw his final punch. ‘It’s quite funny when you think about it.’ Connor held his head as if he had forgotten he couldn’t get headaches. ‘Nines, you are paranoid. The guy really isn’t that important.’
But Nines didn’t let himself be shut down. ‘There is more actually. Chris complained about the coffee being empty, right? That was yesterday, a Thursday. Correct?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And I personally restocked Monday the week before! Tina drinks tea, Chris can’t drink too much or his stomach acts up. With the regular caffeine intake of the rest of them, it shouldn’t be depleted yet.’ ‘So?’ ‘Someone drinks an unhealthy amount of coffee, I would even dare say it would kill a human or at least leave them with serious health issues. And only Gavin is left if you keep an eye out.’ Connor sighed: ‘Or someone dropped the package, spilled half of it and cleaned up the mess into the bin.’ ‘Okay, then how do you explain this: Reed is always here when someone arrives. No matter how early I rise from stasis, he is already there. As if he never left. And then sometimes he spends entire days away and no one bothers!’ ‘Vacations and overtime are a thing.’ Nines shook his head. ‘There is no car standing in the parking lot that belongs to him, I looked after everyone was gone. Yet, there is a key to a car on his desk.’ ‘Maybe he parks somewhere else, because he likes to go on a walk after a long day of sitting around.’ ‘Connor!’ ‘No, Nines, you are paranoid. That’s all. You should slow down maybe. Or take some days off. The man is just your regular asshole who is decent enough to be professional and do his job. And that’s all.’
Nines was desperate. He had thought that at least if pointed to it, the other RK would notice. ‘Then what about the fact that I have never seen him eat something once? And he keeps framed pictures of his cats, but he has no cat hairs on himself!’ ‘Nines, please, you need to calm down. If I didn’t know it any better, I’d say you are stalking him. Please stop. Believe me when I say Reed is as unimportant as someone could be. You are certain of the way things seem to be and now you search for evidence to prove your point. But we are detectives. We find evidence and conclude.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I worry for you. Please, take a break from work. How is your house-hunting?’ ‘Haven’t found a flat yet.’ ‘Do you want to live with Hank and me? We could make room for you for a few days. You need to get out of here.’ Nines deflated as he saw he couldn’t win. ‘That’s nice of you, Connor. But I guess I’ll just think about what you said and try to get back to work.’
In truth Nines didn’t think about anything Connor had told him. If anything, his words had only made it clearer to him that something is wrong. He had to take matters into his own hands.
-
Gavin startled as a coffee cup was put on his desk with an audible thump. He looked up. ‘Hello, I’m Nines. I already introduced myself but we never really talked.’ Gavin stared at the nosey android and frowned. ‘And I already told you to phck off. Nothing has changed since then.’ ‘No need to be so aggressive, Detective. I always see you working. I believe I never actually saw you taking a break.’ ‘Well, I like work and I’d like to get back to it, tin-can.’ ‘Tin-can? Oh, that’s a new one’, the android answered and smiled at him. Goddamnit. ‘Listen, I don’t know what you are on about, but I don’t want to talk. I’ll say it one last time: Phck off!’ This… Nines… pouted at him. ‘Come on, I got you a coffee, the least you could do is answer me one question!’ Gavin sighed and leaned back. ‘Fine. One question. And then you’ll go!’ He hoped his form didn’t show how nervous he was.
‘What do you like?’ Compared to everything he had expected that was quite harmless and caught him off-guard. ‘What?’ The android continued to grin at him. ‘What do you like? Food, hobbies, doesn’t matter.’ ‘Oh, okay, err… I like cats. And… Coffee.’ ‘Are those yours?’, the android asked pointing at the framed pictures. ‘Hey, you said one question, then you’d be leaving me alone!’ The android lifted his hands. ‘Alright, fine. I’m leaving. Was nice talking to you!’
Gavin couldn’t help looking after the machine that was leaving now. Damn nosy androids would be his downfall someday. He turned back to his work, the smell of coffee distracting him. He glanced over to it and finally succumbed to taking and drinking it. He wasn’t ashamed by the fact that he was addicted to it ever since he first tried it in the 15th century. It was one of the pleasant experiences of his existence. He had lived on this world for eons now, maybe he had been around right from the start. But you could only spend so many billion years until you got bored and wanted to try something new. He had lived among humans ever since a massive migration to a continent a large part of the world never even knew about. It was easy to fit in when no one asked where you came from and everyone was eager to start a new life. And Gavin fit in nicely. He sowed enough information to saturate most and those who wanted more he used his powers on to become totally ordinary. So ordinary that most didn’t even notice him. He was living a peaceful life, working on farms, later with railroads and the industry. He liked the concept of lifetimes to justify changing from one job to another and discovering new interesting ways to fake being human. This lifetime he had decided to spend just relaxing. He played the average human that made it Detective and since then worked away solving mysteries and cuddling with cats when coming home.
He couldn’t have known this would be the time humanity decided to change once again. They decided to design machines, androids. They looked human but were designed to obey. Why exactly was it that humanity wished for some kind of slavery every few hundred years? He didn’t care for it too much as they were just machines. Sure, his powers didn’t work on them like they did with humans, but as he was seen as one of them, he could just order the androids to go away and leave him alone. And then deviancy happened. Humans had tried perfecting them so much, they accidentally created life. Gavin knowing humans had decided to wait it out. Too easy he could fake his death and return to his normal existence. But he had been living within them in peace successfully so far. He really didn’t want to change that. So, he waited. Waited until the revolution happened. And too his distress, the androids won.
Ever since he had tried to move on the streets as little as necessary. He spent almost all of his days in the precinct where he was safe from them minus Connor. And the bot he could easily get rid of by changing his attitude to grumpy and abrasive. He thought it might work out. But this new android was a pain in the ass. Nosey as hell and apparently determined to get to know him. Well, someday his luck had to run out and it seemed the time had come.
He spent his remaining day at his terminal, until he felt eyes on him again. He tried to subtly look up and met the damned android’s cheeky grin as he entered the stasis booth. The machine even gave him a little wave. Gavin felt his powers bristling underneath his skin, warning him he had been spotted, but with grit teeth he forced them down. Phck, he needed to relax. He switched off his terminal and headed outside. He hurried through the streets until he finally found an empty back alley without CCTV. It really had been easier in the olden times. Quietly he let go of the charade and got rid of his fake skin. Finally, he could stretch and brush against corners, making natural shadows more refined and let them stretch to take him. Oh, he had missed that feeling. Excitement bubbled inside him as he scaled the city, slithering from one shadow to the next through the narrow spaces in brickwork and underground where there was no connecting darkness to act as a convenient passageway. More than once androids looked towards him, but he just hurried away before they could investigate. Damn machines.
He finally made it home, faster than any car or train could and let himself inside through the letter box. Only then he reformed his human appearance and got to his knees, greeting his cats with maybe one or two arms too many. Not that they would care, they just wanted their pets. Gavin sighed, the fluffy fur under his hands just the perfect way to destress from a long day. He fed them and switched on his stereo to blast music as loud as the cats would allow. He had more than enough time to settle everything with the nosey android. He would be fine.
-
‘You forgot your keys yesterday!’, he was greeted as he walked into the bullpen. He could only frown at the android standing beside his desk, dangling them from one finger. Gavin saw red and pulled them from the man, maybe having moved a little too fast for a human. ‘Give them back!’ He looked down on them and carefully put them down in their usual spot. ‘How did you come home then? You couldn’t drive with your car.’ ‘I don’t have one, phck off!’, Gavin shouted. ‘Then why do you have keys?’
Phck. He felt his powers acting up, but it only managed to avert the human gazes from the disturbance. The android didn’t bulge. Shit. A human explanation, quick. Oh, right, parents were a thing! ‘They are my dad’s, he… He died in a car crash. They are the only thing I’ve got left of him.’ It technically wasn’t even a lie. Nowadays he often faked his death so he could inherit his own belongings and one of them had indeed been a car crash. ‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ The android really looked like he meant it. ‘I didn’t mean to pry.’ ‘Well then go and-‘ ‘Can I make it up to you?’ Oh phck no… ‘There is a cat café that just recently opened up. I thought-‘ ‘What is a cat café?’, Gavin asked, momentarily forgetting he wanted the android gone. ‘Oh, it’s a regular café, but cats are roaming around. I thought you’d like it.’ ‘I… That does sound interesting.’ ‘It’s a deal then! I’m looking forward to it!’ ‘No, I-‘ But the android had already left. Gavin let his shoulders fall. It wouldn’t hurt playing human for a break, right? He had done so before. Sure, it broke his rule of never mingling too close with humanity, but it couldn’t really go wrong, right?’
-
It was awkward at first. They had entered and sat down on two comfy chairs and didn’t manage to speak a word until the waiter came. They ordered their drinks and it returned to the uncomfortable silence. Until one of the cats decided to jump onto Gavin’s lap. The android had laughed at his surprised face and Gavin had begun to pet her. ‘You are good with cats’, he commented. ‘Yeah, I love them’, Gavin answered. ‘Just… calms you down I guess.’ ‘I never got to pet one.’ ‘Really?’ Gavin could understand that human lives were short and that not everyone had the pleasure of strolling along the streets of early civilisations and pet every fluffy beast in existence, but it did surprise him. ‘You really have to!’
The android looked around and tried to get the attention of one of the cats wandering about. The look of pure wonder on the android’s face as the cat headbutted his hand for the first time touched something in Gavin and he chuckled. The android looked back up while still petting the cat and smiled back. Only as the cat decided they had enough did the android return to the table. ‘I really wonder why everyone was so sure about you being an asshole’, Nines began talking. ‘I mean, I don’t really know you yet, but you are nice company.’ ‘I tend to keep to myself’, Gavin muttered, looking down on the cat that still hadn’t moved and curled herself up on his legs. ‘Made some bad experiences I guess.’ ‘I think we should do this more often’, the android said. As much as Gavin wanted to, he couldn’t bring himself to truly disagree.
They met a few times afterwards. They often spent their breaks together in the café and with time Gavin thought that maybe he didn’t have to isolate himself all the time. But he always shut these thoughts down and thought of the android as an exception. One evening Nines had insisted to come over and see Gavin’s cats, what had brought Gavin into the zugzwang to explain some of the by now ancient things he had collected over the years. ‘I’m interested in history’, he bluffed. ‘Archaeology is a pet peeve of mine. So I tend to collect.’ Surprisingly, the android had bought it and instead admired his “collection”. It had ended in multiple visits to museums and exhibitions. Not that Gavin really minded. It was a fun distraction and his lie about being a history enthusiast wasn’t that far fetched when he could tell a few first-hand stories from when he had been there himself.
It was about a month later that they had come back from one of these exhibition trips and the android had dropped him off at his apartment. The android had hugged him goodbye, something he would never get tired of, and was about to go. ‘Are you going back to the precinct?’, he blurted out out of nowhere. ‘Yes’, Nines had answered. ‘Detroit’s housing market is awful. Haven’t got a flat yet.’ ‘Do you want to… I mean you could stay here if you want to.’ The android had stared at him wide eyed and Gavin started to regret his impromptu decision until Nines threw him a smile and nodded politely. That evening Gavin ended up on the couch next to Nines watching TV until the android appeared to have entered stasis. In the silence that followed, he began to think about his life choices. What was he doing? He was an eldritch shadow being from the dawn of time. Nines was an android he had no power over. And something was clearly growing between them. It was evident in the way Nines had snuggled up next to him, the cats all over them. This couldn’t work. What if Nines found out? What if he would rat him out to anyone? Humans he could fool, but androids would be able to follow him to the end of the world. He had made a huge mistake.
And still: listening to the hum of the android’s thirium pump he couldn’t find to regret it. Quite the opposite was the case.
-
The next morning was filled with more excuses. Why didn’t he have a kitchen? Why didn’t he have any food at home? Gavin had mumbled something about always getting something at the food trucks and stressed they would be late. Apparently, Nines took that information with only a sigh, too. One Catastrophe evaded.
Off to face the next one: As they entered the precinct together, Gavin froze as he found his desk occupied. By Connor. And the other android was staring at them with determination. ‘You two. Interrogation room. Now.’ Gavin was about to protest, so did Nines, but the other RK stopped them: ‘I said now!’ So, they trotted over, and Gavin knew he had phcked up. He had set up these rules for a reason. How could he think he could start a relationship with an android would somehow work out?
‘Nines, I believe you now.’ Nines frowned in return as they entered and exchanged a look with Gavin. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘What you told me about him. It’s true! It’s like he isn’t even existing! And everything you told me was true! There are so many discrepancies with him that something has to be wrong.’ Gavin felt panic creeping in. What? What had these two androids talked about? What had he missed? ‘No, Connor, you were right’, Nines disagreed. ‘There is a logical explanation for everything. I was just paranoid, as you said. I just knew nothing about him because I never even spoke with him.’ ‘Oh and now suddenly everything is perfect? What are these explanations then?’ Nines sighed. ‘What do you want to hear from me?’ ‘The keys?’ ‘Memorabilia of his deceased father.’ ‘The cat hairs?’ ‘Either I must have missed something or he had just washed his clothes. Scan Gavin now and you’ll see a bunch of cat hairs.’ ‘What the hell are you two talking about?’, Gavin asked. ‘You are hiding something!’, Connor growled his way. ‘And I won’t rest until I know what it is!’ Gavin took an instinctive step back. Oh no… ‘Connor’, Nines directed the other RK’s attention back to him. ‘I spent the last months with him. He really isn’t as bad as you think and he clearly isn’t hiding anything.’ ‘Oh, is that so? Have you seen his home then?’
Nines puffed out his chest. ‘I have, actually. In great detail.’ He challenged Connor by staring him in the eyes. ‘Wait what?’ That had caught Connor off-guard at least. ‘You two… You aren’t… No.’ ‘Yes’, Nines grinned. ‘And you should trust the android with the more advanced analysis tools that he is as normal as a human can be.’ Connor was left just standing there, staring. ‘I… I’m not convinced, just so you know. But I trust you. Just know that I’ll be keeping an eye on you!’ ‘That’s only fair’, Nines commented, but Connor was already storming out of the room.
For a while no one moved. ‘Should we go back to the-‘, Gavin started, but was interrupted: ‘No.’ Nines pushed himself off the table and leaned against it. ‘The cams are deactivated, and the observation room is empty. No one else can hear us. I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier.’ ‘What should you have told me earlier?’, Gavin asked carefully. ‘I had suspicions about you. That’s why I initially wanted to get to know you better. I pretended everything was alright so you could tell me once you were ready. But I guess now is a good a time as ever: What are you, Gavin? Who are you? The things you own are legitimately old. A collection like this would be priceless, you could sell it for millions. Most of it belongs in a museum. And you don’t even really exist on paper. I couldn’t find your name in any hospital archives from the day you were supposed to be born and you never went to a school. Please, I need to know.’
Gavin sighed deeply and sat down. Should he tell him? Well, he had to. But what then? He guessed a prison to hold him would have yet to be built. And he could always move to another city after faking yet another death. But he didn’t want to lose this. This lifetime was meant to be relaxing and hell, with Nines he had been the most relaxed he had been for centuries. Well, he had to hope for the best. ‘No one can see us?’ ‘No one.’ ‘And no one can hear us?’ ‘Everything said here will remain between us.’ ‘You have to promise not to tell anyone.’ ‘I will as long as my duty as a police officer doesn’t call for it.’
Gavin took a deep breath. So far so good. But promises could be empty and who knew what the duty of a police officer entailed these days. But he knew he was only buying time. And so he began: ‘I am a being that has been around since the dawn of time. I am made of shadows, some worshipped me as the shadows themselves. I don’t even know if that’s true. I’ve been around for a while until I finally decided to try living as a human for a while. And it worked! I was a peaceful part of society since… Well, I took a few breaks but more or less since the 600s? It is hard pretending to be a human if you are immortal, so I travelled a lot and faked papers as much as I could. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I like coffee and cats. The keys are from my first ever car, but I hate driving, so I got rid of it by crashing it one day.’ Nines stared at him dumbfounded. ‘I think I need proof, I can’t believe this.’ Gavin sighed and looked at the table. ‘Please, don’t freak out’, he warned, before transforming into his true form. Suddenly half the room was swallowed by darkness and Gavin showed off a bit by extending a few tendrils of shadow towards Nines. The android looked shocked at first, then bewildered and then fascinated. Nines even stepped closer. ‘You won’t hurt me, right?’ ‘I never hurt anyone’, Gavin answered, his voice coming somewhere from his centre that was still hovering over the chair. Nines extended an arm and tried to touch Gavin, who chuckled. His only feature was to consume light, he literally was the personification of the absence of light. What a dork, trying to touch that. For some reason that seemed to disappoint the android and Gavin made an effort reforming his body partially while still keeping his real self exposed.
‘And?’, Gavin asked. ‘What does this mean now?’ Nines was still staring at him. ‘You are beautiful.’ Gavin laughed, but took the android’s hand lovingly. ‘If you say so.’ ‘How did you keep this a secret for so long? Is that why you aren’t noticeable by most? I have so many questions, I-‘ ‘I would say, I explain everything to you at my home where we are safe’, Gavin offered. ‘I want to know what it means first. For us. Does it change anything?’
Nines smiled and came closer. ‘Only that I don’t have to worry about your human lifespan’, he smirked. ‘And that we can spend an eternity forever.’ Gavin sighed in relief and relaxed completely. ‘You don’t know how much that means to me.’ ‘I think I get the gist of it’, Nines shrugged and dove in for a kiss that left Gavin completely unprepared. But he had always been quick to adapt.
It took them a while to get out of that interrogation room, but thanks to Gavin’s powers no one but Connor noticed. Nines just threw him a cocky smile while making a point of sitting down on the free table opposite of Gavin’s.
Maybe Gavin Reed was a man made of shadows. It didn’t change the fact that Nines was completely engulfed in his gloom.
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we-want-mini-mini · 4 years
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I have this short one shot in mind. It’s essentially abt the entire Batfam gathering up together (and its also the anniversary of Jason’s death but that’s kinda jus a background detail).
Anyways, everyone gathers round the dinning table, eating, laughing, etc etc. And when I mean everyone, I fucking mean all the Batkids, which include but are not limited to:
Dick
Jason
Tim
Damian
Stephanie
Cassandra
Duke
Barbara
Anyways, Alfred and Bruce are obvi there as well, eating, and talking and stuff.
Suddenly, some fucking kid bursts through the fucking window, does a mid-air flip, and lands smack dab in the middle of the dining table, on their hands, which is conveniently holding onto this package.
All hell breaks loose, as various Bats (and birds!) start throwing various items. Then this kid sends out this weird ass pulse, that makes everything freeze in place. Only this kid and move.
The kid slowly floats up, cross legged in the air, moving a batarang, and throwing knife away from their face. They announce, “Hello, the Wayne Family and Friends! Who are also... Gasp, the infamous Bat and Bird themed Vigilantes of Gotham?! Now, to quote John Mulany, “we don’t have time to unpack all of that” which is fine! ...Why are none of you responded—oh sorry! I froze you all in place, my bad.”
The kid snaps their fingers, allowing the Batfam & Co. talk but their still frozen in place. Immediately Damian starts antagonizing the Kid. The Kid responses by literally zipping close Damians mouth like a Looney Toon cartoon.
The Kid sighs but continues on, “C’mon now! Don’t shoot the messenger as they say, whoever they is that is. Anyways, I have a package for one: Jason Peter Todd!”
“Who the hell sent you?” Jason askes.
The Kid shrugs, “No clue, they sent it in anonymously. Though, from what I know, there is a card inside the package so that might offer you some clues.”
“And what exactly are you?” Bruce inquires.
The Kid’s lips stretch out as wide as they can go, their pearly white, jagged teeth on display. Their eyes glow slightly red, as their neck cranes forward at a tilt. Their neck seems to extend a lot further, and their face tilts at an inhuman angle. They open their mouth, with rows of teeth on display for everyone too see.
“Why don’t you find out?” Their once chriper, goofy, kid like voice contorts into a deep, distorted version. Everyone freezes, at the Kid simply stares back at Bruce before their fave goes back to “normal” as they laugh their collective ass off.
“Ahaha... You know, that trick never does fail to make me laugh and all of you freeze in fear—then again, your already frozen but still!”
The Kid continues, their face still stretched out in a smile. A smile a little to sharp and inhuman for them. “But, you should know that’s quite a rude thing to ask! Didn’t your parents teach you any manners?! Then again, they are dead.”
A beat of silence.
“What? Too morbid? Seriously, what a tough crowd! But hey, everyone has their sore spots, so I can’t blame ya. Anyways, I’m guessing all of you have questions. So, fire away!”
They snapped their fingers, making the literally zipper on Damians face disappear.
“Who are you?” Damian seethes.
“I’m Ty Kidd! But call me Kid. Oh and, my pronouns are she/they, thank you very much. I am also a delivery person for—” Kid pulls out a business card, which start to multiple and appear infront of everyone. “—the Multiversal Express Delivery Service, or MEDS for short!”
“And what exactly is MEDS?” Dick asks.
“It’s literally in the name.” Kid deadpans, before another inhuman like smile spreads across their face. “I travel from parallel world to parallel world! Fun fact: there’s a world where you guys are just fictional characters who’ve existed since the 1930s! Isn’t that cool?! One of the many reasons I love my job.”
“Yeah, yeah, fun stuff, but who sent you?”
Kid shrugs, “I dunno. Sender was anonymous. But no worries! At MEDS we ensure that none of our packages include any sort of life threatening object, material, and etc! So, no need to worry about releasing a plague that would decimate this world in a blink of an eye or a nuclear bomb that would wipe this continent out of the map! But, if you do want to send world ending plagues or bombs, you must submit a form and blah blah blah HR bullshit.”
“And... how do know right trust you?” Tim spoke up.
Kid’s face once again spilts in half into a smile, their jagged teeth slightly teasing her lips. Her eyes turned into black silts. “You don’t.” Their voice reasonated throughout everyone’s ears, deep and contorted to the octave.
She pulled back, face once again going “normal”. “But! You can trust MEDS! Trust me when I say, nothing like a bomb, plague or that sort of item is inside this package. Anyways, I’m on a schedule, so—“
They snapped their fingers, a small device and pen appearing infront of Jason. “—please sign, and I’ll be on my merry way. Don’t worry about the window, I’ll fix it!”
Jason was momentarily stunned wondering what the fuck is happening? Why is their probably a fucking eldritch-demon-person in front of me? What is my life?
Before Jason could even tell what was happening, he picked up the floating pen and signed his name on the little device thingy. When his name was signed, the pen and device poofed! away in a plume is smoke.
The Kid, still smiling that inhuman and unsettling smile, snapped their fingers, fixing the broken window, and putting away all the various knifes and objects that were still floating in the air.
“Thank you for your service! If you ever want to send anything to a parallel universe, just give us a call and we will send it! No matter how desolate the Earth, no matter how frankly strange item, we shall send it! Anyways, happy Death day Jason Todd. Kid Out!” They said with a salute, before disappearing in a plume of smoke.
All hell breaks loose and after some arguing and lowkey existential breakdowns everyone converges to the Cave.
Bruce being paranoia incarnate, makes the package go through numerous tests. All being negative. They can’t even identify what it is.
After some more arguing, Jason slips by everyone, and tears open the box. Everyone tries to stop him, but it’s already to late, he opened it.
Now, no one can see what’s inside since Jason is blocking them with his gigantic ass figure. Bruce is the first one to realize that Jason freezes up, and goes to him, worried that something happened.
“Jason, whats wro—“ Then Bruce sees what’s in the box and pales. Everyone sees how Bruce freezes, just looking at the box.
Soon, one by one, it revealed: its Jokers decapated head.
Or alternatively, Jason is the last one to see what’s inside (Damian or someone else being the first). Up to you.
Anyways, there’s this card. Jason picks it up, and it reads:
As the Persians say: an eye for an eye. But the world doesn’t go blind. Happy Dead Clown Day, Jason.
—[Insert an intial or some shit]
Cue some time later, and, yes, it’s confirmed, this is Jokers head. You see, Jokers been awfully quiet for two years, as he went missing after an explosion rocked Arkham Asylum. This, is proof that Joker is finally dead.
News breaks that Joker is dead, and it follows Jason reaction to his death.
In my opinion he’d be lowkey angry that it wasn’t him who killed the damn Clown. But, holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. He’s... He’s dead. He’s finally fucking dead.
Cue some more time later, after everything has cooled down. Jason is in Robinson Park, sitting at a bench, when another kid (who kinda looks like Kid but Jason is too busy inner monologuing to care).
The kid speaks up, “You know, before I use to hate the phrase, ‘an eye for an eye’ ‘cause, the world would go blind.”
Jason freezes, and the kid continues. “But, now I get it. An eye for an eye, but the world never goes blind. Simple as that, since, sure, your blind in one eye, but justice was finally served, right Jason?”
The kid turns to him, and smiles. Not a too large, too sharp, too inhuman smile, but a sincere, warm one. “Y-Yeah.” Jason finally manages to choke out.
“It’s a nice day out, you know. It’s real nice. I know, that, at least you get to see more of these nice days.”
“You day that as if you can’t see days like these anymore.” He blurts out.
The kid sighs, with a bitter smile on their face. “Yeah, I can’t see or experience days like these anymore. I haven’t been able too for three years. But hey, an eye for an eye, but the world never goes blind.” As the kid speaks, their voice fades away. In a blink of an eye, the kid disappears, leaving behind daffodil and a note.
The note is an invitation for a funeral.
Jason goes to the Manor, specifically the cave, and conveniently everyone is there. Damian, Stephanie and Cass are sparring. Dick is using the aerial equipment. Bruce and Tim are working on some cases with Barbara helping. Alfred is done, handing out snacks.
Jason immediately shoves the card to Tim, who’s confused and then sees how utterly shaken up and pale he looks.
“Tell me what happened to this kid.”
Everyone immediately turns to Tim, as he types in their name, date and etc.
What they find out, is that, this kid, who died three years ago, died in the last ever attack wide scale attack the Joker committed. They were the only casualty in said attack (surprisingly).
And they were only 13. Like Jason. And the date of the attack... is the same day Jason died all those years ago in Ethiopia.
“I saw them.”
“...what?” Dick said, in an incredulous voice.
“I saw them. At Robinson Park. They even said that exact same phrase in that fucking card: an eye for an eye—“
“—and the world never goes blind.” Everyone says the last part in unison.
Then the Bats get news that rest of Jokers body was sent to the GCPD, addressed to—
-END-
Basically, that’s how the one shot goes. If anyone wants to use the idea:
Jason gets a package while he’s at the Manor. They test said package and nothing comes up. Some start arguing and someone opens the package (which is more dramatic, Jason seeing it first or last?). They see: Jokers decapiated head. Chaos ensues and a metric shit load of testing later, it’s confirmed: thats Jokers head. And Jokers been missing for [insert amount of time]. The Batfam then deal with the fallout of Joker being (finally) dead.
If anyone writes this, please tag me! I want too see ANGST, and FLUFF, and GOOD DAD BRUCE, and, DRAMA, and ALL THE BAT KIDS.
(I can’t delete the fucking pic below me and I refuse to rewrite this entire post. Lowkey it’s kinda ironic too lmao).
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Text
Soulmate Shenanigans Part Two (Electric Boogaloo)
Good morning (or at least, I’ve started writing this in the morning! Who knows when I’ll complete it)!
I’m continuing my Soulmate AU Tomfoolery (you can find part one here)
Prompt #2
There is a timer that counts down to when you will meet your soulmate.
Warnings for death mentions, and temporary major character death
World Building
Everyone blames the mad scientist.
Which is fair. When someone makes billions of clocks in about a weeks time, each declaring when everyone in the world (including people who wouldn’t be born for decades) would find their soulmate, it’s considered to polite to stick around to answer questions
Instead, Logan disappeared to who-knows-where and left everyone else to pick up the pieces. 
Rude.
Ever since the early 1910′s, the clocks have existed, one for each person. When any kid is born, the first thing a new parent does is rush to the register to see when they’ll meet their soulmate. It’s a big deal.
If your child isn’t going to meet their soulmate in the next 13 years, they are told the exact number on their 13th birthday
Philosophers have been enraged by all of this. Is free will a thing? Is existence a lie?
Non-philosophers will often close their curtains when they see a wandering philosopher, which are easy to identify by their look of abject confusion and plucked chickens.
Characters
Remus: Remus pretended that he didn’t care about who his soulmate was when his 13th birthday rolled along. He wasn’t the best actor.
His brother seemed happy when he found out that it would be sixteen years until he found his soulmate. 29 wasn’t a bad age at all, considering that some people would have to wait until they were old and in a nursing home, or would never even meet their soulmate at all.
Remus waited for his parents to tell him. They gave each other nervous looks, and he was convinced for a few seconds that he didn’t have a soulmate after all.
The actual answer was much weirder
526 years. 526 years until he met his soulmate.
Remus said a silent thank you to his soulmate for making him functionally immortal. After all, that meant that he’d survive until then!
HE WAS IMMORTAL
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Now, whenever someone would try to say something like, “Why do you like serial killers? Planning to become one?”, he could just look them dead in the eye and say,
I’m going to outlive you, Brian
(On an unrelated note, Brian disappeared a few months later. It actually wasn’t Remus’s fault, surprisingly. One minute, he was at a museum, the next, gone)
Remus would be fine with never finding his soulmate, honestly. Connection is nice, but being eldritch is more fun.
Virgil: Virgil didn’t want to be immortal
Sure, he wasn’t a fan of dying in practice, but in theory he didn’t want to live to over 250!
His family and friends were going to die, and he’d have to live through it. And for what? To meet a soulmate? Who gave a fuck? Virgil had never wanted a romantic relationship in his life, and he didn’t think that a 526 year wait was going to change that.
He was determined to find his soulmate early so that he could live a normal life like a normal person who doesn’t cause additional distress to the wandering philosophers.
 Plot
It was easy to find Remus. Local Child Will Live To Over 500 makes a good headline, and Remus wasn’t one to shy away from attention.
When Virgil was 16, he packed his bags and ran away from home to go meet his soulmate. He didn’t ask Janus how he got the bus tickets, but he did ask him to tell his parents that he’d be okay.
Virgil knocked on the door, and waited. Someone who looked almost exactly like the news site photo answered. The conversation went something like this:
Virgil: So, YOU’RE Remus McFricking Sanders-
Roman: Nope, not him, whatever he said isn’t my fault.
[Roman slams door]
Virgil was pretty sure that he had, in fact, met Remus, and he was just being annoying. Roman believed that his brother had just manage to piss off yet another person.
Virgil retreated to a restaurant, and looked up the photo on the news article, just to make sure. No denying it, that was him! Same eyes, same hair, same general face-wait. 
Remus had a nose that had obviously been broken at least once. The guy who’d greeted him at the door had definitely been in less scrapes than his soulmate.
Whoops.
Meanwhile, Remus had a plan to avoid Virgil at all cost. Virgil had tried to shy away from press attention, but he tracked down a photo eventually. 
And when his brother told him that some emo with “awesome” eyes had turned up on the doorstep looking for him, he had a bad feeling.
Well, spooky boy wasn’t going to cost him his long future.
And so the dance began.
In one corner, Virgil, who had spite, stubbornness, and a deadline on his side (he had to get home to his parents eventually)! Never discount a spiteful Virgil!
In the other corner, Remus, who has nothing on his side but fate. Fate, however, has a sense of humor, and Remus read enough old myths as a child to know that whatever happens can’t be changed by petty human actions.
Virgil tries breaking and entering many times, each failing in a more ridiculous way. He is a careful, but Remus is practically Kevin McCallister in terms of traps, and he fails to meet his soulmate face to face all day and all night.
They do get to have some verbal exchanges, which are pretty much
Virgil: You think you want the existential hell of immortality??
Remus: Oh, fuck off, I’m going to have the best vampire aesthetic!
Virgil: The vampire aesthetic is wonderful, but can we do everything for aesthetic?
Both at the same time: Yes. Yes we can.
And then Virgil is herded out of the house by Remus’s pet rats.
However, the final encounter goes a little differently. No witty quips, just Virgil picking the lock of yet another window, and then a very specific sound.
Have you ever heard a stubborn emo get pulled into a portal in the spacetime continuum?
It’s a distinct sound that is along the lines of loud crash-The fu-whirring noises-nyoom-eerie silence 
Remus didn’t give a second thought before diving into the portal after him. If he had, he would have thought hey, this’ll probably bring us face to face, something I’ve been avoiding or maybe jumping into random portals in a stupid idea or I’m going to grab a weapon before just running at it. But his first impulse was to make sure his snarky soulmate hadn’t died, so into the portal he went.
The Year: 2550
The Portal: Glows a lot, thank you for asking
The Reason: A mad scientist has only one thing left to lose, and is terrified as it slips away
Logan: Logan was a geek at heart. He loved science, in both theories and practice. He probably should have toned down his obsession with Nikola Tesla. He wanted to travel to the sky, and touch the stars, and watch time like a film reel. 
Time travel was his passion. If people could travel across the physical seas, why not the metaphorical ones of time?
It was pure luck that he actually figured it out, but figure it out he did. Logan loved his creation.
He wanted to create a million inventions, but more importantly he wanted Patton to see them all.
If there was one thing he loved more than science, it was him. 
The two kept each other from drifting off into the stars, or sinking into the dirt because they’re too afraid of being rude. One of Logan’s favorite memories was he and Patton running through the St. Louis fair, giggling at terrible puns and sharing a quick kiss out of sight, before catching the next exposition. 
Patton was kind, and caring, and knew how to talk to people to get them to like him, and was just good. He was good. 
Logan dealt only in facts. And it was a fact that it would have been better, more fair for Logan to have died in the fire.
It was a fact that he didn’t (even though it felt like it sometimes). It was a fact that Patton had been the one to notice the smoke. It was a fact that the love of his life waited for a few seconds in the doorway, trying to call the cat out. It was a fact that, after Logan was out of the house, he turned around to see the doorway collapse. 
He found a way back into the house, but it took too long. 
Fact: Humans can only endure severe smoke inhalation for a few minutes before dying.
Logan took one look at his time machine, somehow still undamaged. He’d never tested it before, but he really didn’t have a choice, so he kissed Patton on the forehead and stepped into a portal.
Back To The Plot
Virgil and Remus immediately knew that they were in the 26th century. 
How? There was a sign!
Hey! If You Happen To Be A Time Traveler, This Is 2550! Check In With The Lord Cerebrum To Know More, Unless You Don’t Have A License, In Which Case
You Know What Happens
They don’t have much time to mull over this before Remus tries to murder Virgil. He’s not IMMORTAL any more, and it’s not FAIR, and it’s all HIS fault!
This is where we enter the Rivals To Friends (While On The Run From Time Management) section
Remus and Virgil have many adventures escaping from Time Management, while learning to appreciate the other as a friend. They are platonic soulmates, after all!
But Time Management is nothing if not patient, and the boys are caught eventually (you know how it goes. You forget to check around for listening ears, you use 21st century slang, and suddenly a single “yeet” and a “same” get you dragged before the Lord Cerebrum)
A Handy Dandy Guide To The Year 2550 (transcript from the Handy Dandy Infomercial Station)
Hey, time travelers! I know that everyone likes zipping around the time-stream and seeing what the fates throw at them to keep them from murdering their grandpa, but we have to do this by the Rules!
If you break the rules, you know what happens
The Year 2550 is protected by Logos Industries’s time dilation filter, to ensure that no one gets the wrong idea about going free range!
If you have a license, just proceed to the Lord Cerebrum to get your stamp of approval and philosopher disguise for the maximum positive effect! After all, Logos Industries needs funding to protect us all!
If you don’t have a license, you’ll see the Lord Cerebrum too!
Have a Handy Dandy Time :)
Back To The Plot
The boys are led through a menacing government facility, taken to see the Lord Cerebrum. They try to ask questions, but Time Management is rather disinterested in their fleeting existence, so nothing much gets answered.
The final destination is a computer room, where the Lord Cerebrum sits. His form was half hologram, half skin, his age unchanging for 526 years, and recognizable at first sight to Remus
Lord Cerebrum, aka Brain, aka Brian: Hey, Remus, what exactly did you say about outliving me?
Brian: Brian was a dick. There’s no other way to put it. 
He and Remus used to be friends, sticking brand new phones in water to see what would happen and planning out pranks (they made their history teacher think that she was being haunted by the ghost of Charlemagne!), but things changed, and by 8th grade his dickishness was on full display
It was really easy to get away with being cruel to Remus. He naturally unnerved people, and anyone in a position of power immediately knew he was trouble (which was true), so when there was a conflicting story between a star student and the kid who poured ketchup in the principal’s desk, you can guess who’d always get believed.
Brian was a dick, but he was 13. He could have grown later in life, regretted his ways (or at least stopped), but instead he touched an antique time machine on a museum tour of the Clock House (home of Logan, the famous inventor of soulmate clocks). 
He’d been planning to snap off the handle and pin it on Remus (or maybe Roman for variety), but instead
Crash-what the-whirring noises-nyoom-eerie silence
And Brian arrived in the year 2520, the first of many time travellers.
He became a celebrity. The parts of him lost in the wormhole were quickly replaced with state-of-the-art holograms, and his fame went to his head.
Thirty years of good marketing later, he was the Lord Cerebrum. And when a desperate mad scientist came crashing through a portal of his own, it was easy to get him to work for him under the promise that Brian would let him save his “Patton” once he made some technology for him.
He recognized Logan from the museum. He knew who’s fault it was that he was trapped travelling through time, whirling through the portal, praying and promising and in the end just screaming. Brian knew who was to blame for the fact that he couldn’t tell how much of his body would stay when the power went out.
So the tasks got longer and more complicated, Patton dangled like a carrot over Logan’s head. 
Fact: Logan would never win, and someday Brian would get tired of this game and there would only be one genius left in 2550.
Back To The Plot: Virgil punched the Lord Cerebrum in the face. He didn’t know all of the context, but his best friend seemed not to like the guy, and he seemed evil, so he punched the overlord in the face.
Brian was offended, and abandoned all plans for a monologue in favor of leaving them to die.
The most fitting way to do away with a time traveler is to send them everywhere at once. It’s an awful death, one where molecules are slowly lost as the traveler in question hits walls and trees and memories.
The duo managed to survive five or so timelines, before the machine miraculously shut off. A mad scientist ran into the room, unscrewed the vents in the walls, and told the teenagers that they’re late.
Things are explained as they escape the facility.
Things
Logan needed a way to break the time dilation filter. He did the math (which he tried and failed to explain to the boys), and it was determined that Remus and Virgil had the most butterfly effect capabilities to influence this particular event
Basically, removing them from the timeline changed things just enough for Logan to find the chink in the filter’s armor. 
The duo’s job is done, and Logan is only sorry that he didn’t find them earlier to get them home.
Back To The Plot
Everything seems like it’s going to be fine, and the duo are almost able to go home, when the Lord Cerebrum finds them.
CLIMATIC SHOWDOWN
An Ending
In the end, Brian is sent to the 22th century, the year where nearly all of humanity were turned into giant rats for some reason
Logan found his way back to the 1910′s, and used the 26th century technology to heal his love. The time machine burned in the fire. Good. Space travel was where it was at, anyway.
Virgil had so much explaining to do to his parents
Remus knew that no one would believe him. Roman did.
Virgil and Remus stayed the closest of friends. They dressed up as vampires for Halloween. They stuck together. They got to grow up. 
More soulmate shenanigans, amiright?
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