#this is not the romantizm life that I want

[chajonas]

When I said I want to romantizing my life, I mean the happy little smile, walking in the city, reading book, drinking coffee, talking with friends, having Lavender Haze as the background music, NOT this vulnerable little MC who cry on her way home, full of depressing thoughts when she's alone, can't do anything productive and just staring at her bedroom wall while this is me trying is playing somewhere.

[chaosbringerblog]

Don’t mind me romanticising my studies in hope of motivation to complete my assignments :))

[obi-bobi-wan]

I think I romanticize the idea of being alone so I don’t feel guilty when I imagine the friends I actually want

[happyemoqueer]

My coming out

I know pride month is already over, but this is just something important I want to share. I want to share my story. To be precise, my sexuality/romantizm story. I'm still a kid so it might still change, but at this point I just say what I want to say and I want to tell you how I feel.

Everything started when I went to middle school. I was 12. To fit in with my friends I started watching anime and reading mangas. And, of course, I found yaoi. To any of you who don't know what yaoi is, maybe you shouldn't search it on google. Just know that it's 18+ and gay. And, of course, I fell in love. Drawn gay boys made me have nosebleeds (to be honest they still do sometimes, just not as often). It was this moment when I started to be interested in LGBT+ culture. I gained more and more informations. And at some point I decided to identify myself as bi. I have never fallen in love with a girl at that point (I haven't fallen in love generally yet) but I thought it just made me open to everyone (I always joked that I came out before I even knew I wasn't straight).

And that is the moment I have my first crush. I was at my friend's house and her sister was there too. All three of us went to the same school so I knew her sister and we were seeing each other practically everyday. When I was leaving and they were walking me to my car, she asked me about my sexuality and said she was bi too. And then TING! I got a crush on her. We got together but she broke up with me after 3 months. I couldn't get over her a year. Literally, a full year. I really loved her. And that's how I knew I wasn't straight.

That is the moment I tell everyone I'm a lesbian. It doesn't matter that I still have celebrity crushes that are guys, I'm checking out guys on streets, I told everyone I'm gay. It sometimes didn't feel right, but it brought me more attention and I was (and still am) a selfish bitch.

Life goes on, I have a second crush on a girl, we get together and break up, not as dramatically as the first time, but I did love her too and it still hurt.

And about here I realise something. I can't really remember when, but definitely after I started middle school I've met a boy, my dad's friend's son and I have totally fallen for him. I still to this day call him Mr Perfect because he's just too good to be true. And I realised that all the time I had a little small crush on him. So... am I not a lesbian? I guess. Since I know what pan is now and I decide to not judge people based on their gender I tell everyone I'm pan now. You can still find my recent posts with #pan problems.

And that's when I go on a camp. It's just a normal camp, without a main topic or anything, but the atmosphere there is just great and the guy who organizes all the things is like my second father. And I meet Him. He seemed really nice from the moment I met him (he let me go on stairs first, a true gentleman). He hanged around in the room next door where girls from my group were. We stared talking when he said he liked anime. We got closer. We stared hugging and flirting. Important thing is that I'm definitely not pansexual as I don't like dicks. I know it sounds funny and maybe not serious, but it is serious. But I thought "well, maybe I'm not pansexual but I might be panromantic". We even kissed. In the woods. Really romantic.

But then something happened. I'm not even sure what and when, but I just didn't feel right. I felt like I can't do all the things I could do with both my girl exes. It just didn't feel okay. I started thinking. Thinking more and more. And I thought "I think I really am a lesbian". I freaked out. What am I going to do? Am I going to tell him? I came up with a special plan which was: if we are together, we are together, but if we break up, I'm not going to be with a boy again. Even with Mr Perfect.

That was yesterday. Or two days ago, because it's already near 1AM. And yesterday I started thinking again. And I realised something again. I'm a lesbian. I am a f*cking lesbian. I don't want a boy, I want a girl. I don't want dicks, I want tits. I don't want pants and hoodies, I want skirts and dresses. I want a girl, a woman, a female.

I cried about this while texting my ex, the first girlfriend. I won't be joking about how I "came out before I even knew I wasn't straight" anymore but I'm going to tell people about the moment I cried when I realised I was gay. When I came out to myself.

I'm still in a bad situation, I still haven't told Him or anyone else, it's still complicated, but now, at this point, I at least am pretty sure about who I am. I'm a lesbian, a gay girl who loves other girls, not boys. I'm okay with who I am and I'm proud to be who I am. That's all I really wanted to say. And that's what we all should say. "I am proud of who I am".