#this is posted at 8:07 pm sunday night. will i be right or wrong? only god knows

[everyday-effing-therapy]

07/08/19

Hello, hello,

Well, it takes me a while now to write.

I am afraid that writing this post will be a long process, cause... I have my nails short.

I know, I know, a huge surprise. But look, I’ve had my nails done for past two years, I believe and I never liked them short. Especially last year I had an amazing nail tech, to whom I still go and she makes my nails look super cool and strong, so I didn’t really feel like cutting them down.

Unfortunately, due to my adventures by the seaside and my nails being absolutely long for about a month, some of them broke and I had to cut them as much as it was possible.

They still look cute for me, somewhat shocking, cause I hadn’t seen them like that for such a long time. What is more, I am so not used to using my phone or computer keyboard like that. 

Because of that, I sent a lot of unwanted or wrong messages on messenger yesterday and writing this post could be a bit of a burden, but, from what I can already tell, I am able to write so much faster, I just have to check the spelling more often. 

It actually surprises me, how big is the change of pace. For the longest time I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I couldn’t write just as fast and now it turns out that I actually can. I mean, hello?

There are a lot of thoughts that I have had recently.

First of all, I am trying to exercise regularly. I do a 100 reps butt challenge from blogilates, day 9th today, cause I started earlier (I am leaving next week and I wanted to achieve as much as it was possible beforehand) and I also do a 30 day plank, squat, push-up and crunch challenge.

Apart from that, it is day three of my diet, as I realised that exercising brings results, yes, but it mostly builds muscles, while reducing your fat only for, like, bare minimum. It is mostly dieting that helps with fat loss, especially around stomach region as it is widely known that you build your abs in the kitchen.

Abdominal muscles aren’t really that hard to build, for them to be visible, as I have had them visible for about four years now. It’s just that you have to put a lot of effort to actually make your stomach lean. 

I am working on my thighs a lot too. I am mostly self-conscious about my face, acne on said face, my breasts or rather lack thereof and my thighs.

Honestly, if I could take some fat from my thighs and put it in my boobs, I would do so 100%. 

But, it’s not possible for me for now. So, I am at least trying to make my thighs lean.

It’s just that, I’ve been a dancer for about 8 years. I had very long, harsh Saturday trainings that took up the majority of my day and later, they became Friday and Saturday trainings. 

I had a very lean, slim body at the time, but also my thighs started to grow as a natural result of putting a lot of work into your legs.

Then I quit, the muscles stayed and I also started eating a bit more, which made the thighs grow even more.

So, now we’re here.

It’s quite funny, how I don’t like the plump thighs on myself, but they are my favourite thing on Internet models and I always love how beautiful they look.

I just can’t comprehend it, how much I can love something on somebody else and completely hate it on me. 

Anyways, yesterday I got my glasses. I had an optometric check-up on Monday, although I overslept and I had to schedule another one. 

Basically, when I went to the doctor for the check-up I needed for my driving school, they sent me to a different optometrist, who said that my glasses were too strong for me and I should have my eyes checked. 

I decided to do so and I was postively surprised with how fast i was able to schedule that. I mean, I scheduled the meeting via Internet after gym on Sunday and it was scheduled for Monday, 4 pm. Since I overslept, I had to reschedule, but I did that quite easily and my next meeting was at 5:30pm. I went with my dad and an hour later everything was pretty much done, I chose how I wanted my glasses to look like and I paid. 

Turns out that the doctor was right and the glasses were actually a bit too harsh and strong with power and obviously it is unhealthy to wear glasses or contact lenses that are not suitable for you.

I also desperately needed new glasses, because the previous ones were very beaten-up.

The new ones are super pretty. I actually had trouble picking them, because there was the other pair that I also liked and it was cheaper, but, I have always wanted glasses that would somehow resemble cat eyes and I think I look super pretty in them, even without make-up and with messy hair, which speaks volumes to me. I didn’t know that it was actually possible to feel so powerful with glasses, but well, here we go. 

Besides, I actually passed the theoretical driving test yesterday. It was all a long journey, as at first, I thought that the school was closed, then it turned out that the really nice lady who works as a receptionist had her heart broken and she cried a lot, so I talked it over with her a bit. Later, we had problems with the computer and it shut down in the first half of the exam, which made me mad, cause I was doing well and was pretty sure of the answers. In the second half of the exam that nice lady started weeping really loudly and I was so sad for her, because I remembered how hard I wept after a break-up with my ex. In turn, that made me sort of unable to focus and I got really scared that I won’t be able to pass.

I did pass though, with maximum score, which made me so happy. I can schedule my theoretical exam from tomorrow, the one that actually counts. 

In the meantime, on one of those nights, Black sent me a snap that he was sad. I didn’t reply, cause I have to fix my sleep schedule, gosh darn it, but even later, when I was deep asleep, he sent me another one, which was showing that he was listening to our song and I nearly lost my shit when I woke up.

It’s so easy to throw me off balance, let me just tell you, but I’m working on at least not showing that to everybody.

So, I still haven’t told anybody about my crush on Black. I think that maybe I’ll do it next week, when I will be leaving with my friend to Ukraine. It’s entirely possible that she’ll come to visit me on Tuesday, we’ll go to the movies together and then she’ll come over for the night and her dad will pick us up very early on Wednesday’s morning. 

I think that could be really awesome. Last year’s trip was one of my favourite trips ever, truly freeing and I managed to somehow let go. I remember being in love, but I didn’t love anybody real. I was happy, though.

We’ll see how it will be this year, but I hope that even better than last year. Besides, I wonder whether talking some things out will make me feel better, but I think that it just might.

I’m going to the cinema today, to watch The Hustle with V. We are also going with Su to the cinema next Monday to watch Yesterday and A Rainy Day In New York. I’ll let you know how I liked them. Moreover, I finished the second season of Money Heist and let me tell you, I loved the ending so much.

I am also planning to donate blood on Tuesday, but that requires my dad and my grandma to help, cause my dad will drive us to the blood donation centre and my grandma will stay with me to reassure that I’m okay, since that will be my first time and besides, you might always feel weak and drained after donating. 

So, for now I think I covered all the topics I wanted to cover. It’s really funny, how unmotivated I felt to write yesterday, but how motivated I feel today, after I’ve been woken up and I know I’ll have to leave my house tonight. I might just do my makeup and all that jazz. I am excited, you know. 

Wish me luck.

Today’s light I’m sending to...

Well, maybe I’m going to explain first.

The idea of sending light stems from my acting classes, when our director said that it’s important to send light to people, imagine yourselves giving them light, cause you open yourselves up for possibilities of conversing and working with them.

I tried that as a way of prayer maybe, you know, having someone in your thoughts and wishing them all the best, keeping positive thoughts and creating positive actions because of that. I do have a lot of unhealthy, bad thoughts, like everybody, I believe, so I wanted to make my mind a brighter place as well.

The thing is, often, when I send light to people, something bad happens. I don’t necessarily connect the events, I just believe that I pay more attention to anything bad that might be happening to them and that’s what makes me hurt.

Besides, I also saw a beautiful drawing that sometimes, when you send the light to someone who has been only sucking everything good inside like a black hole their entire life, then also your light will get eaten up and it might not be never-ending.

But, if you give your light to the person who knows how to return it, then you will both blossom and flourish.

It’s all really nice, but well, I will keep on sending light to people that I believe that deserve it and so far, that’s what I’ve done.

Today’s light I’m sending to one of my close friends, Tulip. I have never introduced Tulip to this blog, but she’s one of the people that I am so, so blessed and grateful to have in my life. She is so smart, amazing, loving and organised. I will always keep on wishing her all the best, cause talking things out with her always makes everything so much better. I can’t even remind myself of a situation when I would have been mad at her.

Take care of yourselves,

Love,

C

[realityandpeace-blog]

Every year people start the new year with resolutions, well this year I am going to start with solutions. Resolutions often fail and can be quite broad, but solutions come with a plan and tend to be easier to fully perform. With every new year comes a whole new set of problems. Problems that you never could have foreseen occurring. But, you don’t get to throw away your problems from the previous year, no, you get to pile the new problems on top of your current problems. Talk about stress; and you must learn how to deal with these new problems.

This year one of my solutions is to write down my feelings, and so I’ve decided to start blogging. Yes, This first post is more than a week after the New Year, but here is why. I started the New Year with my boyfriend in Oklahoma, so much fun.But, on January 1st, 2017 my mom called me from home while my boyfriend and I were getting a snack. Our ten month old puppy, Cooper, was not eating, drinking or moving and she was concerned. You see on Dec. 21st, 2016 I had taken him to our vet and spent a good three hours there. He had vomited six times that day and it was only 1:30 PM. They diagnosed him with Pancreatitis, as they saw something resembling cotton in his intestine, they assumed with some help it could move through. We treated it as the vet suggested. Well this old (or existing) problem did not go away. It turned out Cooper did not have Pancreatitis, he had a blockage in his intestine from eating his toys. My mom had to take him to the Animal Hospital that day, which was a Sunday and considered Emergency hours. He had to undergo many tests and spend multiple nights. He was in the hospital until Tuesday evening when he was released after surgery to remove the blockage. Little did we know; there would be a complication, a bad complication. 

I got home Wednesday from Oklahoma, I had had a fun time. I was thinking, “Wow, my year if off to a pretty good start.” I just had a good week visiting my boyfriend, my puppy was home and feeling better. But boy was I wrong, when I landed and got off the airplane there was a blizzard outside, and I still had an hour ride home to see Cooper and my dog Nala. They were both so excited, Cooper even got up and jumped off the couch. This may have been what created the problem. He wasn’t supposed to jump up or down during his recovery. We got him back up on the couch, which he didn’t move from the rest of the night.I got him to eat a little out of the bowl, and even drink. He hadn’t been doing these simple things, but I felt good that I was able to get him to. I felt we were turning a corner in his recovery. 

By Thursday we had over a foot of snow and I didn’t have to go into work that afternoon. I worked in the morning that next day, Friday, and my mom had been sending me pictures of the dogs. Cooper was up snuggling up to Nala, he hadn’t done this since before the surgery. When I got home, he was on the couch, and I sat down next to him. He moved to get me to pet him, but when he did this he immediately rushed back to his previous position. He was crying in pain. Not his normal loud and high pitched cry, but a quiet, painful and hard to get out of himself cry. I was very concerned, so I decided to stay home with the pup while my family all went to my younger brother’s basketball game. Let me tell you, I am so glad I stayed home, had I not been home I do not know where we’d be. This was extremely time sensitive and I rushed him back to the Animal ER within seconds of him vomiting. 

I called my mom screaming that I was taking him to the vet, I knew it couldn’t be good, the surgery was supposed to fix everything, but something was very wrong. He was supposed to be better, but they said any complications would occur within 3-5 days. It was day four and I, again, was at the vet. From 7:30 to 11:15 I was sitting in a room waiting for information, luckily my mom and siblings came to meet me once they got back from the game, but that wasn’t till about half way through the visit. The vet kept him overnight. They wanted to run a bunch of tests and do an ultrasound. 

The worst part was that my parents were leaving the country and my younger sister was headed back to Nashville for school the next morning. My younger brother was here, but he is 16. I felt like I was on my own. I was able to have my parents call me, but I couldn’t call them. My dad always forwards his phone to his employee, so calling his number always results in an awkward apology. 

Saturday was a long day. I had to miss work all day Saturday, and Cooper got an ultrasound. They found out he had an excessive amount of liquid in his abdomen with particles in it. They took a sample of the liquid but the results weren’t much help as they didn’t see white blood cells or bacteria. After one or two hours, many texts, and phone calls to my parents we decided to go ahead with surgery. I left the vet at 7:00 PM  that night and expected the surgery team to arrive any minute after I left, leading me to believe he would be out of surgery by 9:30 or 10:00 PM. I got a phone call at 9:30 saying the surgeon had gone in and would have to remove 10 inches of his intestine. It was the worst case scenario and they needed my okay. I am not the one paying the bills though, so I had to find a way to get my dad on the phone with them. I was holding back tears as the doctor said most animals make it through recovery, but not all. That it was bad and it would be at least 3-5 more days in the hospital and some stay for two weeks.  

I hardly slept that night. All I could think about was how he was only ten months old, he had only been in our home for eight of those ten months. It wouldn’t be fair to take him from us now. We couldn’t loose two dogs within twelve months. I woke up to a phone call at 6:37 AM from the doctor with an update. He was doing about as well as he could be, but, “He is not out of the woods yet.” I was concerned to say the least, right after I got off the phone I heard my brother in the bathroom. He had the stomach flu. Now I had a sick 16 year old boy and a very sick ten month old puppy in critical condition, I was on my own. My brother was forced to take care of himself most of the day, and I wasn’t able to visit Cooper until 1:30 PM. He was miserable. The good news was that he was walking to go outside on his own, he was kept the food from the feeding tube down, and he recognized me. 

I waited for an update call; which I had expected to receive around 5:30/6:00 PM. I didn’t receive a call until 7:28 PM. This had stressed me out, and resulted in an episode of stress eating. It wasn’t healthy, but it wasn’t a binge. I was disappointed in myself for stress eating, but I didn’t have time to be disappointed in myself. I needed to be there for cooper. I got back to the vet at 8:00 PM that night. He was off of two of the pain medications he had been on earlier in the day and was still comfortable. He was more aware, I could see him in his eyes. They weren’t as glazed over as earlier. He was still miserable though. I tried to feed him, hoping that just maybe, he would take food from me as he had done the night before, prior to his surgery. He had no interest in the food. I tried baby food, id brand wet food, chicken and a treat. Cooper wanted nothing to do with any of it.  I stayed as late as they would let me and waited to hear how he’d done overnight. 

7:07 AM this morning I got a phone call from the doctor. She said that his face and belly were a little swollen, so they changed the type of bandage that he had on his neck and abdomen to see if the previous ones had been putting too much pressure on his incisions/feeding tube. They also think he may have developed an infection around his feeding tube so the flushed it out really well, and they are also concerned that the feeding tube might be leaking; as some of the fluid they've been draining from his belly is looking a little like food from the feeding tube. His protein levels are the same as they were yesterday, and that's good, because a lot of times these guys bottom out of proteins and he is not doing that, which is good. 

From here I am to wait for more news from the surgery team.  I like to have a plan, so the waiting game is not my friend. The waiting game adds stress and nerves to my day. For me when I hold in my feelings and become overwhelmed, which I am great at, they pile up. At a certain point the weight becomes too much to bear and that often is when I use food to cope. That is what happened last night. My solution for this year is to blog to avoid the heavy weights and change my coping mechanism, to share my experiences with others who may be struggling with similar issues and maybe help someone with their issues. There will always be more problems for us, that’s life, and the existing problems from 2016 follow us all into 2017 to increase our load. Some problems cannot be solved by yourself, and can only be solved by professionals or with the help of other people. But, finding a solution to deal with that problem or accepting the help is all you can do. Whether your problem be your weight, an eating disorder, a relationship or your health; make the decision to recognize that this is a problem for you and it is unique to you. Decide to solve the problem to the best of your ability in the best way for you and do it with all of your grace and dignity. To be the best you this year find solutions not resolutions.