#this isn't how i intended to end the chapter but this story has a life of its own when I sit down to write and I love it

[pandora-writes-one-piece]

The Meet Cute - Ace's Story - 4

Source for pic

Firestarter 4

Word Count: 6856

Tags For The Whole Story: Fem!Reader, slight NSFW (It's mature, not explicit), slightly sugestive behaviour, flirting, jealousy, frenemies, sexual tension, miscommunication, unresolved tension, slight angst, slow-burn, romantic comedy vibes, alternate universe modern setting, swearing, drinking, fluff, feelings realisation, denial of feelings.

Special Warning: English is not my first language, I apologise for any possible spelling or grammar mistakes.

Summary: After moving away from the hustle and bustle of Grand Line City to help your father around the property following a horse-riding accident - and in the hopes of healing your broken heart after your asshole ex-fiancé cheated - you settle into the country calmness of the Calm Belt. You intended to have some alone time, to reflect and heal, but your childhood friend's older brother, Ace, seems to be there just to upset that fragile peace you're striving for. He's a flirt and a womaniser. But why does he also have to be so handsome and perfect? And how long can you resist his charms?

Notes: And so the angst begins! If you wish to be added to a tag list, say so! Thank you!

Tag List: @rosidaze

Masterlist for previous introductory chapters.

|Previous Chapter| | |Next Chapter|

Saturday comes and it’s very uneventful. Your father says he's got some plans with his friend Mihawk and you use the free time to clean up the rest of your room - there were still a lot of trophies and books from when you were a child, but now it finally resembles a grown-up room. 

Your initial plans for the afternoon included a marathon of trash TV and plopping down on the couch like a parasite, maybe even gobbling up some junk food. But it's such a nice day outside that you decide to do some sunbathing. 

And you do. You dress in a simple red two-piece bikini and lather sunscreen on your body before heading outside armed with your headphones, a book and a towel. The backyard has a little wooden deck with two sun chairs and a small pool. The pool is closed but you're not really interested in it. So you get your little setup and sigh in relaxation. You never had moments like these in the city. Ichiji liked the fancy parties and clubs, there was barely any time the both of you spent together like this. 

In retrospect, you should've seen the end of the relationship coming. You barely had anything else to give each other. It was only a matter of time. 

You cosy up on the chair and stretch. It feels really nice. 

The view of the property is relaxing and the only house you can see in the proximity is Mr. Garp’s. The houses are only separated by a small path and you can see the windows perfectly well. You know which one was Luffy’s old room, you have been there a bunch of times, but you don't quite know which one is Ace's. 

You try to guess based on the knowledge you have of the inside of the house. It's either the one to the right of Luffy’s, or it's the one that faces the side of the house. 

A small smile creeps its way to your lips as you remember your time together at the firestation. Being with Ace felt really natural. You didn't have to force any conversation, he made you laugh and, damn, the chemistry. The sexual tension was crazy. 

But there is only a slight problem. You aren't looking to be just another one. You are no longer in that phase of your life when you're just looking for fun. You want something actually meaningful. And Ace is not meant for meaningful relationships. He isn't capable of it. 

You exchanged some texts with Nami last night saying that you had fun and she had probed you so hard that you caved and admitted you feel very attracted to Ace. But then you probed her, and every assumption you had about him was correct. He is a player and leaves behind him a long trail of broken hearts. He's all about the chase and the conquest. Once he gets the kiss, the girl, the fuck… It's over. 

And you refuse to be just that. 

The afternoon rolls by lazily and you have already rolled over on your back and on your front, just like a happy kitten. Until you see a movement in Ace's house. 

It’s him. 

You were right, his room is next to Luffy’s. He stands in front of the window - shirtless - and unaware that you are there, apparently, since he’s staring somewhere else, his signature cheeky grin in place, and you smile. Damn, he’s cute. 

Off-limits, player, just a crush! 

Can he see you? Could he be tempted to join you in the sun? 

Immediately your head starts to create interesting scenarios for both of you to play out. 

Ace arriving with his cocky smirk and telling you that you look gorgeous. 

Ace setting a knee in the middle of your legs to pry them open as his hand cradles your neck to pull your face up. 

His other hand clutching your hip for dear life. His tongue licking the sweat from your body, from your belly to your chest. 

The hottest kiss you could ever dream of, eliciting all kinds of choked noises and mewls from your mouth. 

You take a deep breath and fan your hat over your face. Maybe it's time to get out of the sun? You're getting pretty hot! 

You gather your book and start to get up when you take another look at Ace's window. And then instantly freeze and regret having looked at all. 

There is a young brunette girl in front of the window, grinning while she closes the curtains. 

Your breath catches for an instant. And then the dread in your stomach spreads its icy tendrils up to your heart. 

It's nothing short of a surprise. It's what he does. His modus operandi. But the realisation still stings. Just last night he told you that he's always thinking about you. Your mind told you, at that moment, that it was a line he used on every girl, yet, your heart thought differently. 

But today, not even 24 hours later, he has a girl in his room. 

You refuse to cry. Even if the tears are more of frustration and about how gullible you are, more than anything else. 

Yet, you should've known. You were warned. 

-*-

Ace keeps sending you texts asking how you are and if you want to hang out. You keep leaving him unread. You're still pretty pissed at him, even though you know you have no right to be. He's not your anything. 

Then you get another text. It's Nami this time, so you open it.  

You miss Luffy! Ace told you he also works at the firestation, but since he no longer lives with his grandfather, you still haven’t gotten the chance to hang out with him. You’ll definitely go to this party. Even if you’re sure to run into Ace and whatever girl he’s with right now…

This triggers Nami, so she instantly calls you. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Forget it, Nami. It's nothing new. I just saw him through the window of his room with some girl.” You force out a laugh. “Nami, it's just a silly attraction. Nothing else. I just think he's really hot!”

“Babe, if you keep thinking about him I think you should just ride that cowboy… Scratch that itch… You get my drift? Take it out of your head and then that's it!”

“You sound ridiculous.”

“Yet no wiser words have ever been spoken.”

“Maybe, but I'm not interested in being just another notch under his belt. I'd much rather be just a friend.” You reiterate. 

“From what I hear, I’d say it's your loss!” She chuckles. “But you're still coming to the party, right?”

“Yes, obviously.” You agree with a chuckle. 

“And if Ace's there with his bimbo?”

“Good riddance to both. I just want to be friends with him, anyway.”

You can almost hear the eye roll on the other end. But to her credit, she doesn't say anything. 

“Deal. We'll meet at your house to get ready. It's closer. I'll tell Robin.”

You agree and after hanging up, there's still a small smile pressed upon your lips. Nami is a friend and she makes you happy. Ace is also a friend. You shouldn't be mad at him. 

Therefore, you open his texts and finally answer him, claiming to have been busy. Forgetting all about the brunette bimbo and simply focusing on your friendship. 

Just like Nami, he gets tired of texting and calls you. 

“Hey gorgeous. I thought you were ghosting me.”

You lie back on the bed and roll your eyes. “Don't call me gorgeous. And I could never ghost you. I've just been busy.”

“Yeah, I get it. I've had a busy day as well.” He chuckles and the cold in your stomach spreads. 

“I bet…” You mumble. 

Friends! Friends! Friends! 

“I can't call you princess and I can't call you gorgeous, what do you want me to call you then?”

Why is his chuckle so damn sexy over the phone? 

“My name, genius! What else?”

“I'll get back to you about that.” Another chuckle. “Have you heard about my little brother’s party?”

“Nami is my friend, how could I not?” You chuckle. 

“Right, right. Are you going?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Me too, obviously.”

Then he proceeds to tell you about the busy day he had helping his grandfather with some affairs at the house and about some paperwork he still had to do from this week's occurrences at the firestation and you tell him about your day. 

He doesn't mention the brunette. And neither do you. 

Somehow, the time goes by and you end up talking with Ace for almost two hours straight. Just like you were musing earlier, he's so easy to talk with. So natural, so fun. 

Shanks knocks lightly on the door and pokes his head inside. “Bug? Dinner's ready.”

You rise immediately, sitting on the bed with wide eyes. Dinner already? You didn't even realise it was already dinner time, and you had meant to cook it. Shanks must have realised that you were taking too long on the phone and did it himself. 

“Oh! Right. I'll be right down, dad. Ace I've got to go. Talk to you tomorrow, bye.”

Shanks bites his cheek, his brows scrunched. It looks as if he wants to say something, but he's considering that it's not his place to do so. So he smiles at you and begins to walk downstairs to the kitchen and you follow. 

The first minutes of the meal are spent in silence until you start telling him about your day. Then, abruptly he talks. 

“Bug… Is your relationship with Ace advancing?”

The fork stops midway to your mouth and you feel your cheeks burn. 

“I know it's not really my place. You are an adult and I was not a present father in your life. Believe me, I regret it most days. Maybe if I had tried a little harder, you and your mother could still be together and you'd have grown up with me. Maybe I had more right to butt into your business. But I worry… and… well…”

“Dad, Ace and I are just friends. Nothing else. He's really easy to talk with and we have a lot of the same interests. He's fun. But that's it. Don't worry.”

You can almost see the relief in Shanks’ face. And you almost feel bad about the way Ace really makes you feel. Because your father's worry is not at all misplaced. Ace is dangerous for impressionable hearts. 

“Friends? Okay, okay. That's good.”

You just have to make sure your heart is not impressionable and that friends are all you and he will ever be. That's all you want to be. 

-*-

The next morning passes by pretty fast as you help your dad with the chores and get the horses and the ponies ready for the Summer Jubilee. Shanks is going to have a horse riding station, mostly for the kids, but sometimes adults like to join too. 

“How's your back, dad?”

“I'm managing. I'm still taking the pills.” 

“Don't overdo it, alright? Are you sure you don't need me there to help you?” 

“No, baby, Beckman will be there to help me. You know he loves these horses. You go and have fun at your party.” 

Benn Beckman is one of your dad’s oldest friends. They used to play some sport together in school and they both never left town, so it’s a natural friendship, like yours with Nami and Robin. The festival only starts on Monday, but the vendors and concessionaires that will have their businesses at the fair are going to use Sunday to set up and you feel as if you should be helping your dad instead of going to a party. 

Shanks winks, and you laugh. “I will, dad.”

“Just not too much fun…” He grumbles, beneath his breath and you roll your eyes as you climb the stairs to take a bath and wait for the girls. 

-*-

“Ohhh, I've got the perfect dress for you!” Nami claps excitedly and you roll your eyes to the back of your head. 

“I have my own clothes, Nami! What is it with you and trying to get me into your clothes?”

“Funny, she always tries to get me out of them…” Vivi muses and you laugh out loud. 

“Honey, don't take this the wrong way. You're beautiful, but your clothes are a bit… plain… don't you want to dress to impress?” She winks. 

“Not really, no.”

“Too bad. This dress is perfect. Vivi and Robin already agreed and I won't take no for an answer. Ace will be blown away!”

You sigh and let Nami dress you up as if you were a barbie doll. There’s no use in fighting her, really. And you hate to admit it, but she does own some sexy clothes. And you do want to blow Ace away.

Though you’re having a hard time admitting it.

-*-

As you cross the tiny pathway to Mr. Garp’s house - turns out ‘at Luffy’s’ means there because Luffy’s flat is too small to fit his many, many friends - your heart starts to beat faster. You know Ace will be there. And you know there will be girls all over him. But you should also know that you can't be jealous, because you're nothing but a friend to him. 

And that's all you'll ever be. 

Still, you feel as if an army of tiny ants are crawling on your insides because everything is moving and squirming in there and you are actually quite nervous to meet him. You guys had a wonderful chat yesterday, but you also knew he had been with another girl before speaking with you. 

And Nami has already told you: Ace is a chaser. He likes the difficulty in seducing women - not that it's difficult for him, you bet. You need to keep repeating in your head: you don't want to be just another girl! 

Are you obsessing? 

Shaking your head, you try to steady your heels on the uneven path. Why did you listen to Nami? You tried to put on sneakers, but after she dressed you in the most shockingly slinky, short red dress with a draped cowl neckline and thin gold chain straps, she almost had a heart attack when she saw your feet. 

She screamed sacrilege and almost hit you in the head with the gold heels. You kept repeating that it was too much, but none of the girls listened to you. To be fair all of them look equally stunning and sexy, so you don't really feel that out of place. 

Still, it's hard to walk in these things and you're pretty sure you’ll be taking them off at one point or another as the party progresses.

As you pass the threshold of the front door, you get immediately overwhelmed by the sheer number of people. It smells like sweat, pot and booze, and the mixture makes you wrinkle your nose. 

“Who are all these people?” You ask Nami, screaming over the loud music. 

“Luffy has many friends!” She answers with a laugh. 

Right. He has many friends but they're definitely from out of town because you're pretty sure that he has more people inside this house than the entire population of your hometown. 

Robin wanders away saying she saw Sabo and she wants to say hi. Nami winks suspiciously at her and the raven-haired girl blushes and giggles. Then, Nami does a little crowd check and smiles. 

“Oh, I see my friend Lola. Will you be alright by yourself or do you wanna come?” She asks with concern and you nod vigorously. You are already seeing some familiar faces, and you won't mind mingling for a while. She smiles and saunters over with her girlfriend, also ready to mingle. 

Sighing, you set out to find a drink, first. You're in the right mood to get wasted after thinking about Ace sucking face with half of the pretty girls at this party! And free booze is just the right way to do it. Sanji is there and you take the cocktail he effortlessly makes for you with a big smile but you don't get to chat much as his drinks are in high demand and he excuses himself to go cater to another beautiful lady. 

You chuckle at his ways and take a sip of the drink he made for you. Perfect. 

You hear your name being shouted and turn around with wide eyes. It's Luffy. You hug him and he hugs back, introduces you to some of his many friends and both of you speak as if you never stopped talking at all. 

“I'm so glad you're back in town again! Ace can't stop talking about you!” He grins and you blush. 

“Right. I bet.”

But, even though you wouldn't mind knowing what Ace has to say about you, Luffy is also in high demand and gets summoned by a man with a long nose and curly black hair, who's smiling at him. Excusing himself, Luffy promises to find you again and you promise to hold him to that. 

You take another look around the room, trying to find old friends amidst the sea of new faces, but your eyes are immediately drawn to him. In all his shirtless glory, obviously. And, even more obvious is the way there's a brunette sticking to his side. An arm draped around his waist and dreamy eyes on her face. 

It figures. The party has just started and already Ace has chosen his catch of the day. Or maybe it's the catch from yesterday?

It irks you so much! Why does he have to be such a player? No, screw that! He can be a player all he wants, he just needs to stop giving you attention and making you feel special! He needs to back off! So you can move on! Geez, you look like a teenager with her first serious crush. 

Chugging the cocktail in one go, you cringe at the aftertaste and quickly ask Sanji to make you another one. You've made up your mind. You just need to avoid Ace all night. If he doesn't speak with you, there's no chance for him to enchant you with his deceiving words. There. You're a genius. 

With this happy resolution in mind and a new tasty cocktail in hand, you decide to leave this room. First step to avoiding Ace, don't be where he is. 

Swaying your hips to the beat of the song, you make your way to the backyard so you can breathe some fresh air and though there are many people outside, the open makes everything better and you inhale deeply. 

“Heeey beautiful.” A slurred voice echoes near your ear as a grimy hand moves your hair away from your shoulder, from behind. “Is that dress on sale? Because it's 100% off at my place!”

You cringe as you turn and slap the hand away from you. “First of all: eughhh! Secondly, don't touch me, creep.” The man looming near you smirks and licks his lips as his eyes rake your body from head to toe, drinking you in, and he further invades your space. 

“Come on,” he snorts and you realise he's clearly inebriated or high, or maybe both. “Dressing like that, what were you expecting?” He reaches and tries to touch you, but a large hand, coming from a presence behind you, wraps around his wrist and stops him. 

“Respect, obviously.” A low voice rumbles over your head as you turn your head around and meet the cold gaze of Ace, boring his dark eyes straight into the boy in front of you. Because in the face of Ace, he's nothing but a scared little boy. He steps in front of you and smirks. “Now apologise and beat it, before I kick you out of my house.” You're impressed with how he managed to speak such menacing words with a smile and still sound threatening. 

The boy mutters a hastened apology and escapes, tail between his legs. 

You face Ace with a frown still upon your lips. So much for avoiding him. Your plan failed and you're not a genius. You're actually an idiot. “Why do you insist on being my knight in shining armour? Especially since you're never wearing anything other than shorts!” You reply deadpan as you point at his naked torso. 

He's checking you out. His eyes linger suggestively on your exposed legs - Nami, once again, knew who she was dealing with when dressing you - and a cheeky smirk curves his cheeks upwards and makes his freckles dance just for you. “I know you like seeing my muscles.” He flexes and guffaws as you roll your eyes. 

“Yeah, me and all these young, impressionable college girls. Smooth, Ace.” You muffle a snort by taking another sip of the amazing cocktail and close your eyes in bliss. “Thank you, but I know how to defend myself from creeps. You can go now. I see a lot of lonely girls ogling you. I'm sure you have better things to do.” You mention suggestively. 

It still stings to know Ace is a player. And that you almost fell for his act. Because how can you not fall for the hot, freckled, funny and helpful fireman who compliments you and pays attention to you? Until you realise you're just another one. And you're not special nor ever were. Not to him, not to anyone. You're just… just… 

You. 

Sighing, you finish your drink in one gulp and turn inside to get another. Maybe this time you'll bring a bottle with you. 

“Woah, easy there, tiger. Don't chug your drinks like that. They taste sweet but they pack a mean punch! Sanji doesn't go light on the alcohol unless you specifically tell him to.”

You eye his drink and, honestly, don't even care what's in it. Locking eyes with him and burning him with your gaze, you snatch the red cup from his hand, ignoring his protests and warning words. “Well, boo-freaking-hoo!” With a mock toast gesture, you chug the whole thing in one gulp.

And regret it immediately.

You cough and wheeze, eyes brimming with tears as you try to breathe through your nose to calm the burn in your throat. Ace just stares at you and crosses his arms over his bare chest. The drink was nasty! It was like pure alcohol. 

“What the hell?” You sputter. 

“I told you, you couldn't handle it.”

“Shove off, Ace!” You drawl as you turn back inside in search of a bottle. God, this man infuriates you. He doesn't follow you inside and you don't care for the empty feeling that leaves in your stomach. You'll soon fill up that spot with some booze. 

Securing a bottle, you make your way back outside, expertly avoiding the place where Ace was, and start mingling with some old school friends. Time flies in an instant. Either that, or the vodka you snatched is really good, because suddenly everything seems to be spinning around you. 

You make up an excuse and try to find your way back inside, ready to find Nami and tell her this was a terrible idea and you are going to go home. But, instead, you take another chug of the bottle and wince. The numbness of the alcohol is quite refreshing, maybe a bit more won't hurt. 

But your steps are uneven and you keep bumping into people and apologising. Someone grabs you and pulls you into a dance and you can't quite tell if you know the person or not. It looks like he has spiky green hair and a loop for a nose ring. His teeth seem really sharp but that might be just the alcohol talking. He starts to get handsy because you're losing your balance, but soon, his hands go from your waist to your hips and try to get lower. 

Your brain clicks and you shove the man away but you are even dizzier from the dance and ready to fall or pass out until a strong pair of hands grabs your waist and sets you over his shoulder unceremoniously. 

Before you protest, you realise it's Ace just by the smell of him. That darn smokey wood and fresh pine! A freaking punch in the gut just as you were having fun. “Let go!” You slur into his back as you start to kick your feet in the air. 

“Stop it! Your dress is riding up! This thing is freaking short.” He hisses. 

“I don't care! Let go of me, Ace, I mean it!” You keep kicking and sure enough, your dress is almost exposing your butt, so you feel him pull the fabric down and settle his warm, big hand over the gap of your thighs and your butt so it doesn't ride up again. 

That action stops your squirming immediately. 

You start to take notice of your position: breasts are squished against his back and bare legs feeling all of the heat emanating from his chest. And his smell… God, his intoxicating smell is making your head spin. Or perhaps that’s from all the alcohol. 

Why is he with you? Shouldn't he be sucking face with some bimbo? 

You realise you still have the bottle in your hand, so you take another sip as Ace carries you up the stairs. You've been upstairs at Luffy’s house before. In his room, never in Ace's. Because that's definitely where he's taking you. So in with another sip. 

“Stop drinking!” He hisses again and sets you down at the top of the stairs. You stumble and hit your back against the wall with a low whine. At least you're steady now. 

Grinning, you raise the bottle, your eyes never leaving his harsh stare. “Make me.” You taunt and take another sip. Ace grunts as his hands tousle his dark hair. 

“You're infuriating.” 

“Hmm, hmm.” You chuckle. “As I thought. You're all bark and no bite.” You take a step to the side to descend the steps, aiming to get another bottle, or to find Nami, or leave. Whatever. Anything to get away from Ace's intoxicating presence. 

But the stairs move! Or the floor does. You're not certain. What you do know is that you're about to fall. 

But, obviously, you don't get to fall, because your knight is right there for you, holding your waist and pulling your body against his. Ace’s head nuzzles against the crook of your neck while his arm circles your waist, protectively. You feel pressure on your hips just as he digs his digits firmly against your flesh, his hip fixation driving you crazy once more as your toes curl. 

A gasp leaves your parted lips as he inhales your scent and then you moan softly as he exhales hot breath against your neck, trailing goosebumps with his lips and grunting near your ear. 

He lets go abruptly and wraps a hand around your wrist, tugging and pulling you towards his bedroom. Is this going to happen? Are you going to fall into his trap? 

Because you're drunk? 

Opening the door he throws you onto his bed with a growl and turns. You hear him breathing heavily but you can't do anything as everything is spinning around you and, even if you wanted to, you couldn't quite get up yet. 

After a moment you hear his feet shuffle as he turns back to you. “Sleep.” He approaches and snatches the bottle from your hand. “And enough of this.”

He turns to leave the room but you grab his wrist. Were you going for the bottle? Or was it really his wrist you meant to grab? 

“Stay.” You whisper against your will. 

You can almost hear his internal battle raging outside. You're drunk, and you know he doesn't want to take advantage. But you do. 

Do you? 

His jaw clenches and he sits by the foot of the bed, away from you, his face turned as he's assaulted by a grim look. 

You can't think too much about this or it will never happen. You're drunk. So you should just go with it. You're sure it'll feel good. It will help you process whatever it is you think you feel for him and then, finally, forget him. What did Nami say? 

Ride that cowboy, scratch that itch. 

Damn, riding him does sound good. Who cares about the dumb bimbos he has downstairs waiting for him? Who cares if he'll just find another girl to chase after you?

Sex sounds pretty damn appealing now. 

“So how does this work, exactly?” You start, getting on your knees and approaching his body, one hand caressing his naked shoulders and now he can't help but stare back at you. “You seduce the girl, or barely do anything because you have all that!” You point at his body with a snort. “And then after you've fucked her, you move on? It's like she never existed, nothing happened, just another notch under your belt?”

You ask while he keeps staring at you. You can't read anything in his dark eyes. His freckles seem lifeless, his smirk is gone and he doesn't seem amused at all. 

“Because if that's how it works, maybe we should have a go at it. You just fuck me and we both move on. Because I can't take this anymore, Ace.” Your voice is barely a whisper. You move closer and straddle his lap. Your dress rides up and you buckle your hips against him, feeling his hardness against your achy, needy core as he muffles a grunt against his pressed lips. His hands twitch as if he wants to grab you but they remain planted firmly against the bed. His eyes never leave yours, yet he remains silent. “I can't be this hung up on you anymore, Ace. So just get this over and done with, will you? So we can both move on.”

Tilting your head to the side and digging your nails into his scalp, you lean in for the kiss, ready to take his lips, his tongue, his hands and his dick. And then his rejection, his aloofness and the hurt of seeing him with someone else. 

That is the whole Ace package. 

But maybe that's what it takes to stop obsessing over him. 

Except you don't take anything because he stops you. Two strong hands on your shoulders push you back as his gaze falls down, facing your bodies where they are close. Would be connected, even, if not for the clothing between you. Ace is breathing heavily and you can feel the tension oozing out of him in hot waves. 

“Stop.” He says your name firmly. And you know a ‘no’ when you hear one. Even though this one hurts like hell. 

Nodding, it takes you a few turns to swallow the hard lump that formed in your throat. As you get off his lap and fix your dress, you notice that the world is spinning once again and this time it's almost unbearable. 

“It's not that I don't want you. Trust me.” He groans. “It's just… you're not even going to remember this conversation tomorrow, let alone be of sane mind to consent to sex.” He snorts and shakes his head. “When-... if we do this, I want you to remember all of it.”

You roll your eyes at him and scoff loudly. “I would rather forget.” You mumble and lie back, curling to the side and closing yourself off. As if you would like to remember the time when Ace used you and dumped you - if it happened. Forgetting is much easier than getting all of his attention. 

He sighs and gets up. Then he takes off your shoes and tells you to close your eyes and sleep. You close them, with a heavy heart and a heavier conscience. You do hope you don't remember this tomorrow. The way you threw yourself at him and the way he swiftly rejected you. 

Which one is worse, really? 

Covering your body with a blanket, he puts the trash can near the bed in case you need it later - you’ll probably need it. There’s a heaviness on top of your eyes, the beginnings of a throbbing headache, and a moment passes but Ace doesn't leave. His presence still fills the room, still fills you and makes your heart ache. But you don't open your eyes to acknowledge him - or your pain - and your breath starts to even out. 

You hear him sigh and sense him leaning above you, his head hovering near yours. “You would never be just another notch under my belt…” He murmurs and kisses your forehead gently before leaving you alone in his room.

-*-

You’re woken up either by the bright sun shining directly on your eyelids, or by the throbbing headache in your temples, you’re not quite sure.

Either way, your body says that it’s too early for this, and it’s too freaking hot. When it gets this hot, you usually lean against the wall on the side of your bed to absorb the coolness from the bricks. So you turn to the side and scoot over to mould yourself against the cool wall.

Except there’s no wall. 

And there’s no more bed.

So you fall with a soft yelp, dragging the blanket - which is rolled around your torso, arms and face, for some reason - and fall onto the hard floor.

Wait.

You fall, alright, but not onto the hard floor. It’s firm. And it’s a body. It’s grunting.

Huffing, you try to stand up but the blanket makes the job difficult and the room is still spinning from all the alcohol you ingested yesterday, so you sit, on top of the body, stradling the man below you, and trying - in vain! - to either get up or to get rid of the blanket, all the while muffling apologies for the minor ‘inconvenience’. 

In the middle of your desperate plight to escape your situation, you hear another low grunt and feel two strong hands grab your hips and pin you against his body, making it impossible to move.

“Stop. Squirming. Please.” 

It’s Ace. You stop immediately, your free hand grasping at the surface in front of you - his abs. Feeling your face burn up at the touch you realise the reality of your situation: You’re both on the floor, with you straddling him and fondling his perfect six-pack - maybe stop touching him! - and he’s very hard between your legs. 

“I-I’m sorry. It’s… the blanket…” You start, your face hidden by the thrice-damned blanket. Ace grunts again and you wince at the loss of contact when he removes one of his hands and rips the blanket off you with one swift motion. 

The pull disrupts your balance, and you dig your nails into his stomach - that’s sure to leave a mark - and tighten your legs around him to try and steady yourself. You know he doesn’t mean to, but Ace bucks his hips up with your squirming and you barely bite back a whine at the friction that creates in your core. 

“Fuck.” He mutters with a desperate exhale, lifting his torso up and facing you.

This is dangerous territory. And now you’re free, so you should get up. Why don’t you? 

Ace’s fingers grip your hips tighter. When did his hand return to your hip? You didn’t notice it, it’s like it belongs there. And why are you now grabbing his shoulders? His eyes are all pupil and he doesn’t blink while he drinks you in. You know you must be a mess. Hair all over the place, smudged makeup, dress straps off your shoulders… yet the look he’s giving you makes you feel like you’re the only girl that matters in the world. 

“Don’t do that…” You whisper. You want him to stop looking at you like that, to stop making you feel special and wanted, because you can’t take another heartbreak, and there’s no way that something you start with Ace won’t end in heartbreak. So you need to nip this in the bud even before it blooms. 

“Right.” His voice is hoarse and ragged as his hold tightens around your waist, lifting you with ease and setting you aside, removing himself from the situation. He grabs a discarded shirt from the back of his chair and leaves the room cursing and tousling his hair. 

You only meant for him to stop looking at you like that. You didn’t want him to leave completely. Right? Because now there’s a sudden emptiness inside and around you and you’re not quite sure how to be complete again. 

Sighing, you massage your temples with both hands. The tension between the two of you is becoming unbearable. Should he just fuck you and get it over with so you could each go your own way?

Why does this line of thought feel so familiar?

Lowering your head, you inhale and almost gag at the smell of your dress. At some point yesterday you must’ve spilled an entire drink on yourself, because it smells like the back alley of the town's dingiest tavern. 

You test your stability by slowly lifting yourself with the help of the bed, and it works. Then you look around and, sure enough, there’s a half-crumpled t-shirt lying on the chair, the same place he took the other one from. Grabbing it, you take a tentative sniff. It doesn’t smell bad. If anything, it smells like him.

It smells amazing.

Even though Ace closed the door when he left, you turn your back and quickly discard your dress. You curse when you realise you’re not wearing a bra because the dress didn’t allow for one, but you still pull the shirt over you. It falls to your thighs, almost at the same height as the dress.

“Hmm, hmm.” Ace’s grunt startles you and you turn swiftly to the door. Did he see you change? “Here.” He extends a glass of water and two pills. His eyes are locked on the ceiling and there’s a slight blush on his cheeks. He saw you.

You choose not to acknowledge the fact.

“Thanks.” You take the pills and almost inhale the glass of water because you’re so thirsty. Then you sigh in satisfaction and set the glass on his desk. “I took your shirt, I thought you wouldn’t mind… seeing as you barely wear them.”

That elicited a very small chuckle from him, but the curl of his lips didn’t even reach his freckles. 

“Do you remember anything from last night?” He asks, scratching the back of his neck.

“No. Not much. I think I remember you bringing me here, but then, nothing. I must’ve blacked out immediately, right?” You chuckle and miss the pained grimace on his face.

“Yeah, that was it.”

“Sorry for taking your bed and making you sleep on the floor.” He shrugs. “Sorry for falling on top of you… I thought I was in my room, you see, there’s usually a wall there and-...” You stop your wild gestures and chuckle. 

Why does this feel weird all of a sudden?

“I guess I should get going. Shanks might be worried.” You know your father will never say anything about you spending the night away or drinking, you’re no longer a kid, but he will still worry.

“I texted him last night to tell him you were alright and spending the night.”

You flush as your eyes meet his. “You told him just like that?” He nods and you groan. “Great, he’s going to think we have something.”

“Who would want that, right?” He sounds sarcastic.

“What’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem!” He grunts again and you somehow pick up on the fact that he’s angry at you, or frustrated at least. 

“Clearly you do!” Taking a step forward, you try to approach him with your hand extended, but he turns his face away from you with a ‘tsk’ and steps back. For some reason your heart sinks and you feel cold. 

“Got it. I’m the problem. I’ll get out of here, no worries.” Maybe he wanted to spend the night with some girl and you being in his bed got in the way of that? That had to be it. Why else would he be so upset?

Grabbing your shoes from the floor and your crumpled, smelly dress, you make your way to the door, brows knitted together and lips pursed. 

“I’m so sorry for getting in the way of your lay. Maybe you should’ve just dumped me in Luffy’s old room instead of your own. Then you would’ve been able to fuck whomever you wanted.”

You stomp past him and you don’t know why you have tears stinging in the back of your eyes. Might be because of the hangover? It has to be.

“So sorry for the inconvenience.” You shout before running down the hall, down the stairs and to your home.

[aliceintheworld]

PURE ATTRACTION | JJK | TATTOO ARTIST

Pairing: TattooArtistJungkook X NaiveReader

Summary: "I shouldn't be watching a man undressing, especially not from the house next door."

Warning: Intolerance, toxic religion, parental relationship, Jungkook taking off his clothes 😮‍💨🤲 very dumb reader.

A/N: This is my first fanfic on Tumblr and my first BTS one. I know, it's embarrassing. The story isn't that great, and it probably shouldn't be the first one I post here, but the characters took on a life of their own without my consent, and I've been writing this since 2022 (fuck), so here we are. Please keep in mind that English is not my first language and that the reader is extremely annoying. See you on the next chapter! Thank You.

Next Chapter

Chapter 1

I organize the things from the bazaar as I go through the accessories spread out on the table. It's a calm easy task and I've done it more than a thousand times, so even with my eyes closed the job is done masterfully. My mother is next to me, quietly, listening to music on an old radio that she refuses to throw away. It seems that, since it's a radio she got as a teenager, the object has a deep meaning for her and she doesn't even like the thought of exchanging it for something more modern. I hum along too, trying to tune my voice in some parts where the music gets harder and the notes get higher.

Usually on the weekends, every Sunday, my mother and I go to church and the bazaar after the service, to raise money and help the pastor's project. Pastor Leen is a good man and always helps everyone in need, so this semester, during these last months of the year, he has been focusing on the animals that live on the streets. Everyone in the community who goes to church participates and helps in whatever way they can, whether through donations or fundraising, like my mother and I do. That’s why we gathered some clothes and items for the church bazaar, and with the sales, we can do our part. It's exhausting, but rewarding in the end.

During the week, I study at the university in my town and work at the library, so there's not much time for rest, but I like having a busy life. Although I know that, for some people, my idea of a busy life might not seem busy at all. At twenty-one, I’m supposedly supposed to be somewhere else in the world, enjoying my youth and partying with my friends, but strangely, I never wanted that. Whether it’s because of my mother, who always instructed me not to follow that path, or because I’m just introverted, I’ve never gone to parties or had adventures that I could look back on later. The most out-of-the-ordinary thing I've ever done was drink beer when I was eighteen and regret it the next day, feeling guilty for being influenced by a friend.

I’ve never left this town. I’ve never dated. I’ve never been to a party. I haven’t done many memorable things in life. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll regret not having these experiences someday, but I’m so tied to the way I live my life that it’s hard to change, even just a little. Habits are hard to break, whether for better or worse. I’m pulled from my thoughts when the store door opens and Mrs. Jeon walks in with a smile on her face and two heavy bags in her hands. I quickly get up intending to help her, but my mother is faster.

“Good morning, Eunji,” Mrs. Jeon greets my mother, letting out a relieved sigh as the weight of one of the bags is lifted from her hands. “Good morning, Y/N, how are you?”

“I’m fine, Mrs. Jeon. How has your week been?” I ask, taking the other bag from her. I peek inside and notice that it’s full of men’s clothes, judging by the size and the predominantly dark colors.

“Radiant, actually. My son arrived in town last night,” she says, her smile widening. I’m surprised because I didn’t know she had a son. Mrs. Jeon moved to town six years ago, and I don’t recall any son visiting her or her mentioning him. This is the first time she’s spoken about it, at least in front of me.

“Your son, Jungkook?” my mother asks, curious, and our neighbor nods, still beaming. “Doesn’t he live in Seoul?”

“Yes, he does. But he’s been expanding his business, and I invited him to visit, and coincidentally, he decided to open a branch here,” she explains, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear. My mother instantly flashes a smile. An interested smile that I know all too well.

Of course, because I’ve never dated, my mother is always trying to set me up with someone. Not that I want her to. I never asked her to make all this effort, much less to convince the church ladies to introduce their sons just because I’m single. It’s embarrassing, as if I’m not capable of finding someone on my own without my mother’s help, but she doesn’t listen, even when I had an honest conversation with her asking her to stop trying to play Cupid.

"What kind of business?" my mother asks, and I try not to roll my eyes. For a woman of God, she worries way too much about money and status. It's a controversial topic that has led to arguments between us in the past.

"He's a tattoo artist. He owns a tattoo studio in Seoul," Mrs. Jeon explains with a proud smile, and my mother's face immediately turns serious. The charm of a potential son-in-law is lost. Of course, no one is ever perfect enough for her—or for me, in her eyes.

I love my mother. She’s strong, and many times I look up to her when making important decisions, but she judges people too harshly. Ever since she joined the church when I was younger, she’s changed. She changed her clothes, the way she speaks, and even her thoughts. I can’t even remember what she was like before, and even though all these changes were a support for her after my father passed away, some aspects of the situation still bothers me. The fact that she believes people are going to hell just for having different opinions and ideas is one of them. Of course, I don’t argue with her about it and rarely express my point of view. If she knew how I really thought, I’d be a princess locked in her room, with no peace and even less freedom than I already have at home.

"He's a tattoo artist?" my neighbor nods, not noticing the bitter tone in my mother's voice. I decide to step in, anticipating some sharp comment from the woman beside me.

"Mrs. Jeon, thank you so much for the clothes and for your help. Just today we had three customers, and the clothes you donated sold very quickly," I interject, changing the subject. The tension in my shoulders eases as my neighbor shifts her focus to the bag in my hands.

"Oh, no need to thank me. I want to do as much as I can to help the animals. I adopted a puppy last week and I’m in love!" she says, placing her hands on her cheeks with joy, and I can’t help but smile. Mrs. Jeon is one of the few older people from the church that I enjoy talking to.

"What’s his name?"

"Gureum. He’s an angel," she says, forming the small size of the puppy with her hands.

"Gureum? Don’t tell me he’s all white," I guess, laughing at the name.

"He is!" she laughs with me, jingling the keys in her hand. "Anyway, I hope we get plenty of donations this month. I can't wait to see the results of our work."

"That’s true, Misuk. This month the winter will be harsher, so we have to act more quickly this year," my mother continues, and the conversation shifts to the church project. I feel more relieved as the minutes pass and Mrs. Jeon leaves. Not because of her, of course, but because of the situation itself. My mother is very straightforward and usually says what she thinks, no matter who it hurts. I don’t want my relationship with our neighbor to be ruined just because my mother doesn’t know how to hold her tongue.

"Did you hear what she said?" Eunji asks, her eyes wide, one hand on her chest as if she’s deeply shocked. "Her son is a tattoo artist! Do you think he has those awful marks all over his body?"

"Probably, Mom," I sigh, trying to focus on the clothes Mrs. Jeon just brought. "And Mom, don’t talk like that. She’s our neighbor."

"Even so! Y/N, that only happens when parents don’t know how to properly guide their children. How can a mother, who goes to church, let her son go down such a horrible path in life?"

"We don’t know how her son lives, and it’s none of our business, Mom!" I try to keep calm as I fold a large black T-shirt, but then I remember that before organizing the items, we have to wash them, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

Usually, the clothes are washed at our house, and my mother still has to stay at the bazaar for a while longer. Honestly, I don’t want to be around her listening to how good of a mother she was just because I go to church and don’t have a tattoo on my arm. It irritates me, and it’s hard not to let her notice, but for the sake of peace, I try my best, nodding and agreeing with all the nonsense she says.

"Mom, I’m going to take all these things home and get everything ready for the bazaar, okay?" I try to force a smile, but my face feels stiff. My head is throbbing, and I can’t wait to get home. I’ve been out of my room all day, and there’s nothing more exhausting than that, at least for me. She murmurs in agreement, probably annoyed that she can't keep talking badly about Mrs. Jeon’s son, but I don’t care and just leave.

I regret it a little halfway home because the bags are heavy, and even though the distance isn’t long, it’s hard to carry all the clothes by myself. I arrive home out of breath. The sky is overcast, with dark gray clouds covering it, but I’m sweating as if I just ran a marathon. I laugh a bit at my lack of fitness, promising myself that I’ll start the morning walks I keep putting off, and I head to the laundry room to start organizing the clothes.

When I open the bag, I’m surprised by the items. Not only are they of good quality, but I’m also certain they don’t belong to Mr. Jeon. He dresses well, but not in this style. I can hardly imagine him wearing black jeans or a heavy jacket. I’m intrigued by who the owner might be, but I don’t waste time pondering it, too tired to unravel mysteries that aren’t even important. I leave the laundry room once everything is organized and head to my room, throwing myself onto the bed.

My room isn’t particularly special or different, but what I love the most about it is the bookshelf filled with books covering almost the entire wall. It was my dream from a young age to get a job and buy every book I was interested in, and luckily, that’s been possible since I started working at the library. It’s the perfect job for me, even if it’s temporary. I’m studying literature to become a teacher, and I can’t wait to start working in my dream job.

I sigh and pull my phone out of my dress pocket, too lazy to take off my clothes and go shower. I groan, placing my hands over my face, knowing there’s no escaping it after being out of the house all day. There’s no way I’m going to bed like this. Reluctantly, I get up and untie my hair, which falls in waves, heavy against my neck.

I bend down to grab the hem of my dress and start pulling it up, feeling even more tired. Today was such a long day. I can’t wait to go to bed and sleep until tomorrow. I take off my socks, lifting one foot behind the other, and as I head to the towel inside the wardrobe next to the bed, I unhook the bra that’s been bothering me all day. The relief is so immense that I let out a sigh, touching my breasts with my fingers and playing with my nipple, hardened by the cold air.

On my way to the bathroom, I stop and look at the window when I notice that the neighbor’s window—the one that had never been opened until now—is, in fact, wide open. I need a few seconds to realize that there’s someone on Mrs. Jeon’s balcony, and worse, it’s not her on the other side. It’s a man. The most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my life.

I hide behind the bookshelf in my room, afraid that he might think I’m spying on him, but for some reason, I keep watching him with curiosity, hypnotized by the way he moves around the room and among the furniture. His dark, wavy hair falls over his face when, out of nowhere, he starts pulling his shirt over his back, taking it off lazily while focusing on the phone in his hands. He gives a small smile, almost as if he subconsciously knows the effect he’s having on me. My heart beats hard against my chest, and my breathing quickens; my mind fills with fantasy images of his pink lips and large, seemingly soft hands.

He is... gorgeous. Different. With tattoos all over his body. One of his arms is completely covered in designs, and his chest is adorned with images that I can’t quite make out. My mouth waters as my eyes roam over his strong back and shoulders. His pale skin glows under the dim light of the yellow lamp, and it’s hard to catch my breath. It’s like observing a work of art. A forbidden work of art, I know. It’s wrong. But I can’t convince my mind that I should stop. The man, still a stranger, smiles at his phone as the screen lights up his face. Unlike his body, which exudes sensuality and is intimidating, his smile is sweet and gentle, and the most charming I’ve ever seen. He tosses the phone onto the bed, unbuckling the leather belt around his waist and deftly undoing the buttons of his jeans. That’s when the trance that literally had me delirious breaks. I slam the window shut, desperate at my own madness.

What was I doing? How could I have seen a stranger stripping like a complete pervert? I feel so bad, guilty for having crossed the line and done something as wrong as this. I gulp, covering my face with my hands. I let out a tortured sigh and feel my heart racing uncontrollably. I am sweating, as if I had done a heavy workout, when in fact, I had been standing still the entire time. I peek through the gaps in my window to see the room in Mr. Jeon's house, but I can't see anything anymore and I don't have the courage to open the curtains and try to look at the man again.

It's the first time in many years that I have felt something like this. Could it be desire? I can't remember the last time I felt anything like this. I recall having a small and first crush on a boy at school, something innocent, when I didn't even know what it meant to like someone romantically or as a friend. This was, throughout my life, the only consistent experience in recent years. It scares me that suddenly I feel something different for someone, even if it's minimal. I let out a sigh and cover my face, embarrassed by my own behavior. To make things worse, I'm not even wearing clothes. I rush to the bathroom and close the door, staring at myself in the mirror. I am so dazed that even my cheeks are dark red. I close my eyes tightly and head to the shower, trying to let the water wash away my thoughts. It doesn't work. I spend the whole night gazing at my bedroom window, full of images that I can't forget or erase.

I have a normal day after the almost exhausting night. I study in the morning about different approaches with children on the autism spectrum, which I find completely interesting and complex, and then I work in the afternoon at the college library on campus. This is actually great because I can study even during my work hours with free access to all available books, which has saved my life in recent months. The first semester of classes was tough, but this second one has been terrible, with piled-up assignments and deadlines that are almost impossible to meet, at best. My life has revolved around this routine, and the ordeal of exams hasn't even started. On my way home, I stop at a convenience store to buy something to eat and bike towards my house, which, honestly, isn’t very far but is extremely tiring.

I get home exhausted, collapsing on the sofa almost immediately. My mother appears from the kitchen with a serious face and a tense expression, as if something very grave had happened.

"You won't believe who invited us to dinner." she comments, placing one hand on her hip.

"Who?" I ask, just out of courtesy. Besides not being hungry, I'm not interested in the subject, too stressed with college stuff to pay attention to my mother.

"Misuk."

"And what's the problem, Mom?" I roll my eyes. Until yesterday, my mother had no problem with our neighbor, and now she acts like the woman is forbidden or not good enough to be her friend.

"Did you forget, YN?" she asks, crossing her arms. "Her son, the one from Seoul, will be at the dinner."

I turn pale, my mouth dry. How could I have forgotten this? College has consumed all my thoughts during the day, but I would never forget that man. The man I saw through the window is Mrs. Jeon's son, I suppose. I concluded this after spending the whole night mulling over my thoughts and reliving that body and face, which I can’t even recall without blushing. I’ve already eaten at college and feel satisfied, but the first thing I do when my mother mentions the dinner is smile.

"I’ll go with you." I affirm, unsure. If my heart raced so much from a distance of Mr. Jeon's son, I can't imagine what will happen if I see him up close. But I'm so curious that I can't avoid it. I want to see him. I want to prove that everything I felt last night wasn’t just a product of my imagination tainted by romance novels.

"The truth is, I wanted to cancel the dinner."

"You didn't cancel, did you?" I ask, trying not to sound too desperate. My mother shakes her head, which makes me sigh with relief.

"No, but I'm curious about the guy. I want to see what he's like and make a better judgment about him. I just ask that you don’t get involved with that kind of person. He’s a tattoo artist and lives alone, so young. Who knows what he does alone in a city like Seoul." she says, and I agree with a noise in my throat.

I’m also curious about him, Mom, but not for the same reason as you. I stay silent as I go upstairs to my room. I look for some slightly nicer clothes without much expectation but I don’t have anything different from conservative or old. I feel sad for no reason and convince myself that it doesn’t matter what I choose to wear; a man like the one I saw last night will never be interested in me, no matter what I put on. I quickly shower, then, after my mom calls me from downstairs, I look at myself in the mirror, staring at the dark blue dress that goes down to just below my knees. I roll my eyes and simply go, with little enthusiasm.

My mom has a bowl with a freshly baked cake, and after saying it's for the neighbors, we head out. It’s the house next door, but the short walk feels like an eternity to me. My heart races as we approach, and I let my mom lead the way, walking ahead. She knocks on the door with three taps, and we don’t wait long before Mr. Jeon appears. He’s a man in his fifties, but very handsome and friendly, wearing a long-sleeve shirt and comfortable house slippers. He smiles at both of us, still holding the doorknob and giving us space to enter.

"Good evening, Eunji, good evening, Y/N." he greets us. I nod, a little embarrassed. Unlike Mrs. Jeon, I don’t see him often, as he is very busy with work and doesn’t attend church regularly.

"Good evening, Yejun."

"Good evening, Mr. Jeon. Thank you for having us." I smile, genuinely grateful. I truly like the couple, as every time I see them, they always treat me very well.

"What a polite girl, isn’t she?" he says to my mother in a joking tone, then looks at me kindly. "You don’t need to thank us. We love having you two here. Please come in and make yourselves comfortable."

"I brought a cake for after dinner." my mom says with a smile. "Where is Misuk? I want to give it to her."

"She’s in the kitchen, finishing organizing things. Shall we go there?"

I follow them in silence, having little to do. My mom is more accustomed to the environment, as she comes here a few times for church meetings. I take a few steps toward the kitchen when a noise on the stairs catches my attention. Then he appears, and like magic, everything I felt before resurges, ten thousand times worse. I catch my breath as I see him slowly descending the stairs. He is much taller than me and different from what I imagined, now up close.

His eyes are dark, bright and large, which strangely complements his sharp jawline. His lips are a beautiful pink that makes me run my tongue over my mouth, enchanted by their apparent softness. Pink is now my favorite color. He exudes a powerful aura with his heavy clothes and his body built like a big mountain towering over me, but when he smiles, I am captivated. His smile is sweet, friendly, and inviting, making me want to get closer. However, the thing that catches my attention the most is the eyebrow piercing. My God. What a man.

"Hello, how are you?" he says with a boyish smile, and I blush instantly. I try to maintain a mantra in my mind, repeating several times: calm down, calm down, calm down! "My name is Jungkook, are you my mother’s neighbor?"

"Y-yes." I stammer and almost instinctively close my eyes, frustrated with myself. He smiles even more, squinting his dark eyes as if he finds me amusing.

"Nice to meet you. What’s your name?" he asks with a soft voice, and I feel embarrassed for not having said my name earlier.

"My name is Y/N. Nice to meet you." This time I don’t stammer, but I speak so quietly that I fear he might not have heard me.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N. My mom talks a lot about you." he says, confirming that yes, he did hear me.

I open my mouth to try to say something, but suddenly my mother appears. I don’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. I wanted more chances to talk and discover new things about him, but all I was managing to do was look like an idiot who hasn’t left the house in years, completely antisocial. My shoulders slump, and I follow my mother to the dining room in silence, feeling embarrassed. I can almost feel Jungkook’s presence behind me, but I don’t have the courage to turn around and glimpse his expression. I almost automatically remember him taking off his clothes, showing the tattoos that are now hidden, and I flush even more, almost choking on my own saliva.

"Good evening, Y/N!" Mrs. Jeon smiles at me, already seated at the table. I feel guilty for almost drooling over her son earlier but I smile, greeting her in the same way.

"Good evening, Mrs. Jeon. The smell of the food is delicious, as always." I say, seeing the vegetables on the table and the meat next to it that looks divine. If I hadn’t eaten earlier, I’d be attacking the food, with respect, of course.

"Always so sweet, Y/N." she smiles. "Please, have a seat. Jungkook, sit next to her." she requests. I try to not choke again, just nodding, watching the man I am incredibly attracted to sit to my right side.

His parents and my mom engage in a lively conversation, and I try to pay attention in case they ask me something, but the truth is, I can’t follow along at all. Jungkook eats in silence and occasionally answers my mother’s questions, which I’m sure are meant to gather more material for judgment when we get home, but I can’t follow any of the reasoning. Besides being handsome, polite and kind, he also smells good.

With the clothes he wears and the tattoos decorating his body, I would swear his perfume would be woody and strong, but it’s quite the opposite. His scent reminds me of spring, or nature like a field full of flowers. It’s a scent I could absorb all day. Lost in thought while I play with the fork on my plate and the cabbage kimchi I served myself, I don’t notice him coming closer to me and my ear. My whole body shivers with his breath. I try to not make it too obvious, but I think it’s in vain since I hear his soft laugh even closer to my neck.

"Do you want to go to the kitchen, Y/N?" Jungkook asks in a whisper so close that I look around just to make sure no one is watching, especially my mother, who seems to have already formed a prejudiced opinion about him.

"Why?" I ask in a whisper, confused.

"I want to ask you something." he smiles crookedly, which makes me even more disturbed. I nod, still unsure about what I’m agreeing to. He quickly stands up, and I almost instantly follow him. When we get to the kitchen, he turns around quickly, watching me attentively, crossing his arms over his chest.

"W-what do you want to ask me?" I swallow nervously.

"I was thinking whether I should talk to you about this, but after meeting you tonight, I think it’s for the best, anyway." he says with a serious face. His previously relaxed attitude changes completely, as if all the fun from earlier had drained away.

I become worried, my mind filled with questions, until something occurs to me. What if last night, somehow, he realized I was watching him? My body turns to jelly at the thought, and my heart beats faster as I look at his face. I would die, seriously. I would fall to the ground and never wake up again. My hands tremble as I wait for his question.

"Are you and my mother very close?" he asks in a whisper, this time with a weak voice, looking at his own intertwined hands. I nod in agreement, even more confused. Since Mrs. Jeon moved to my city, we’ve become something like friends, despite the significant age difference. I consider her, even if mistakenly, like a mother.

"Yes. I think we have a close relationship. Why the question?" he shifts uncomfortably. He tries to smile but can’t. I am worried but silent, waiting for his answer.

"My mother is sick, Y/N." he says quietly, with a weak voice. My eyes widen at the news. I never imagined this is what he wanted to talk to me about. From his seriousness, it seems to be something very grave. "That’s why I came to the city. She had depression years ago and last month she tried to take her own life for some reason."

"She didn’t tell anyone, I’m sure." I say as much as I can, still shaken and shocked. Mrs. Jeon seems so happy lately that I could never imagine something like this. My eyes fill with tears, but I try to contain the flood of emotions inside me, embarrassed to act this way with a previously unknown person.

"I know. I was shocked when I found out." he explains, running his fingers through his dark hair as if he were tired. "She wants to spare people from the situation, but I wish everyone could know and support her. She shouldn’t be thinking about anyone’s well-being right now, except her own. That’s why I came to Busan, to take care of her."

"I understand." I whisper with a lump in my throat. I want to take his trembling hands and assure him that everything will be okay, but I don’t have that much courage. I wish I were casual and authentic and had the ease to simply say what I’m thinking. It’s the first time that not being this way makes me upset and sad. I wish I could be someone else right now. I wish I could help more.

"I apologize for bringing this up so suddenly. I hope I haven’t ruined your evening. I’m sorry." he smiles awkwardly, puffing his cheeks, and a previously hidden dimple appears. His face turns red and I can’t help but like him even more.

"Don’t worry. Really. Thank you for telling me the truth. I want to help in any way I can. I'll try to keep her company more often."

"Thank you so much, Y/N." he smiles, with his eyes shining. "I knew it was a good idea to tell you the truth. I knew I could count on you."

Ask for a TAGLIST in the comments.

[pikahlua]

Not the same anon, but there was a thread on X summarizing problems with this chapter and how rushed it feels. I think these are pretty valid criticism if I am being honest. [link removed] I really love MHA and I want to enjoy this epilogue, but I really do feel like it is being rushed in some places.

I resubmitted this ask to remove the link. I'm not interested in sending critics flying at someone I disagree with.

The link you provided is for a criticism that is precisely the sort of commentary my blog exists to correct. Why are you guys judging the story based on a bad fan translation??? Is that really what the issue is here? If you're feeling like a chapter is rushed based on Rukasu's rushed summaries or my own disjointed, unnatural-sounding translations or the fan translations that just push along with awkward translations they clearly don't research that well, yeah, I bet it does seem pretty rushed.

Fan translation (left) vs official translation (right)

Some differences are stark and some subtle, but they all lead to totally different readings!

And as for this criticism:

And while I get what Horikoshi was trying to communicate here, the execution is just... Absolutely tone deaf

I don't understand how anyone could say something like they know what the author intended in good faith when they KNOW they're reading a fan translation.

Starting with the 1st page: now, I get Horikoshi is trying to this monologue more for the audience to highlight Uraraka's self sacrificial tendencies similar to Izuku in order to explain her behavior and showcase her flaws. [...] Because, in universe, Uraraka is breaking down with guilt and grief over someone she finally reached/understood sacrificing her life for her, something only SHE knows, and Izuku shows up, ignoring what's going on, and starts "explaining" her flaws and HIS feelings about it all. [...] Now, again, I understand that Hori is trying to communicate to the audience that Izuku has realized Uraraka's flaws and struggles and is deciding to become her support instead.

This reading completely ignores the fact that Ochako doesn't want to open up. Izuku is trying to convince her to! That's what's happening in this scene! He's not "ignoring" what happened with Toga--because he doesn't even know what happened! That's part of why Ochako is so upset!

I've explained before how the western fandom has a bad reading on these so-called self-sacrificial "flaws" Izuku and now ostensibly Ochako have. This is not the first time a character has realized they relied too much on another person's strength and let that person shoulder their burdens alone. All Might acknowledged the same thing with Katsuki after DvK2. I do not think what Izuku is doing here is "explaining her flaws and HIS feelings about it all." My reading of this scene is based on their conversation after she lost to Katsuki in the sports festival. He's saying the same stuff she said to him back to her. He's talking about HIS OWN flaws. He's saying "You are my hero, the way you've been since the beginning is heroic, I admire you, when you're hurting I'll protect you just like you protected me, I won't be a burden by relying on your strength to get you through and letting you handle your pain alone anymore, I'll pull my own weight and be here for you now that you need me, it will be easier to shoulder the pain together." That last part is coming from her UA speech, of course, and I don't know how it could be more relevant to addressing Ochako's pain. "Please open up to me, just like you encouraged me to do." That's what he's saying!

Now, the other criticism this person levies is that using Izuku as a vehicle of exposition is clunky. I don't disagree, but the thing is...this isn't new. This isn't unique to the ending. He's been like this really since chapter 1. I've criticized this before. This isn't a sudden change that makes the ending feel any more rushed than any other part of the story. To focus on this just feels like an attempt by the critic to FIND something to criticize.

I do think there is an emotional reaction at play in the fandom's general response here, but I'm not convinced that the criticism I've been reading actually gets to the heart of what's upsetting people. Something IS upsetting people. Is it BAD WRITING? I'm not sure. In some (not all) cases it seems to be a bad reaction to tragedy or anticlimax. I do also think there are people who have convinced themselves such and such will be addressed, that these two characters will talk about X, etc. etc. and they're panicking that there may not be any space allotted for that in the end, and that's why they feel things are being "rushed." I certainly have some criticisms I could levy at the ending, but I'd like to wait until the ending (the OFFICIAL ending) before I put them on the record.

The thing is, in the end, "what Horikoshi was trying to do" is entirely irrelevant to the final product. If all we do is just argue over what we each think Horikoshi was trying to do, we'll get no where. This was hammered into me in my education, that what an author intended is useless to literary analysis. When I find something in a story that doesn't make sense to me, I take a step back and try to figure out what reading does make it make sense. Sometimes I have to ask others their opinions to puzzle it out. I do appreciate that you sent me this criticism, but I am not yet convinced the fandom has truly identified any concrete issues with the actual writing of the ending as of now. I'm not saying the ending is perfect, just that the problems I see with the ending are very different from what the fandom so far keeps talking about.

[laurfilijames]

Will needs better coping mechanisms than putting his dick in her … yeah it’s great but communication is better.

I never want this to end … but how many chapters do you think you’re going to do? 

Hi anon.

Thank you for stopping in with your opinions on how I've written my story.

I always appreciate feedback, but I'll be honest that this isn't necessarily constructive or useful and certainly isn't a good way of helping to motivate me to continue this series that you don't want to end.

It's fanfic. Is it a good representation of how relationships and real life should work? Probably not, but that's okay, because it's for fun and fantasy and indulging a bit. So no, maybe Will putting his dick in her every chance he gets isn't a great coping mechanism but it is for me so that's how I've written it.

I've worked my ass off trying to add depth to this story that when I started it, wasn't even sure it was going to turn into anything, and feel I've included a lot of communication and growth with these characters whether it's blatantly obvious, internal, or just implied. I'm sure I could've done a better job with certain things in this story and with my writing in general, but we're not about to crack open that can of worms. I think every writer deals with the insecurities of comparison and everything else that comes along with writing and sharing FOR FREE and at the end of the day, I am extremely proud of what I've done with this so I'm not about to sit back and apologize for not portraying things how you think they should've been or regret my creative decisions.

Circling back to you never wanting it to end, I'm very happy that you're seemingly enjoying it so much, but I don't have an answer as to how many more chapters there will be and quite frankly, this message knocked any sort of motivation out of me and makes me relieved that I don't have a definitive answer to give you.

I hope the tone of your message wasn't intended to be as negative and offensive as it has come off. I understand that tone does not come out through the internet and I'm unable to see your face or hear your voice so it's hard to know how you've truly meant this. I'm always open to have discussions about my fics as long as they're directed as kind and respectful, and I'll encourage you to consider keeping things you didn't enjoy about someone's fic to yourself.

[moongothic]

This is gonna turn into some Crocodad Propaganda eventually but putting the man aside for a little bit

Let's be real for a moment. Regardless of who Luffy's other biological parent is, regardless of if they're relevant to the story or not, no matter what has become of that person, if they're dead or somewhere out there alive, etc-- I believe Oda "knows the truth".

Although it took One Piece until post-Enies Lobby to reveal some of Luffy's blood relatives to us, Oda had technically introduced both Garp and Dragon to us all the way back in the East Blue saga. And Ace was introduced not too long after in the Baroque Works saga, along with his tattoo which held that secret tribute to Sabo all along. (Also he was introduced as "Portgaz D. Ace" meaning Oda must've intended to make the two non-blood brothers from the get-go.) All this means that Luffy's family, both adopted and blood relatives, have been in Oda's mind from the very begining of the story. And so if Oda had figured out Luffy's grandfather, father and at least one brother (if not both) from the begining, then why would he not have decided what became of the person who gave birth to the idiot as well? Like considdering how detail-oriented and meticulous Oda can be, would it not be unusual for him to essentially forget about a character that important (in the sense that Luffy literally would not exist without them) and just handwave them away without much thought? Would that not be out of character for Oda? As such, I don't think it is not unreasonable for us to believe that Oda would know what happened to Luffy's other bio-parent. Mind you, it really could be just something like "Luffy's mother died of The Disease when Luffy was a baby", or "the mom fell down the stairs" or "was eaten by a bear in the woods" or something, anything, whatever. Even if it truly does not matter to the story one bit, I'm sure Oda knows the truth of what happened and why that character wasn't a part of Luffy's life.

But at the same time, if the identity and the fate of Luffy's birthing parent truly did not matter to the story at all, then why wouldn't Oda just tell us who that was and what happened to them? In an SBS or an interview? It's not like people haven't been asking about it, because fans and staff alike have been asking about it for years. If the information really would not change anything, be it the direction the story will take or how we view the characters, if it really is just worthless trivia, then why keep it away from us?

Now of course, I'm sure you'd want to point out that one time Oda told Mayumi Tanaka that "A young boy's adventure begins after he leaves his mother's arms. I want to tell this young boy's adventure story, so his mom is not part of it." And Oda isn't known for lying, we do kind of want to take what he told Mayumi Tanaka at face value. At the same time though. If Luffy's other parent did become a plot relevant character in like the final 200 chapters of the story, after a 1100 chapters, they and their potential connection to Luffy would not have mattered to the story for 90% of its run. For an overwhealming majority of Luffy's adventure, that person would not have been a part of it. So if that character did become relevant, and Oda was lying, then it'd be a white lie at worst. But also, if Oda did intend to reveal that other parent eventually, when the time was right, then surely he wouldn't want to get people hyped up about it way ahead of time. If it did turn out to be a big plot twist or an otherwise important plot point, Oda would want to keep it under the wraps and a secret until the right time, you don't want to spoil something like that. Not to mention it could end up working like a distraction and make people not focus on the more important things happening in the story currently. So really, I think we'd all forgive him for a white lie there. Not to mention, technically speaking, if Luffy doesn't even have a mom but two dads, then Oda wouldn't really be lying either.

But that does bring up an important thing to considder.

If Crocodile does turn out to be Luffy's other dad, when did Oda get that idea, and when would he have committed to it?

Because, keep in mind, One Piece began back in 1997. Twenty seven whole years ago. Which means there's two things to considder; the evolution of queer rights over the past near three decades, as well as the fact that One Piece has more than surpassed Oda's original plans for the series. We must not forget how for a manga to remain serialized in Weekly Shounen JUMP, you need to perform well in the popularity polls consistently; if your manga starts dropping in popularity, JUMP can cancel it and force you end it prematurely. Of course, Oda arguably does not have to worry about those polls anymore after all these decades, there's no way in hell JUMP would ever cancel fucking One Piece in this day and age. But that might not have been the case 15 years ago, that was not the case 20 years ago, and that was absolutely not the fucking case 25 years ago. Like we all famously know that Oda originally planned One Piece to maybe run for like a year, then five years, then ten etc etc. That really is because at the begining of his career he had no quarantee he'd be able to tell the full story he was slow cooking at the back of his mind. Back in the early days, One Piece could've been canceled and ended prematurely, so Oda smartly chose to write it focusing very specifically on what mattered to the story at that moment, in the short term. Yes, he did start laying out the groundwork for things to come, but he did it so subtly that had OP been forced to end early, the series wouldn't have been left with too many massive, gaping plotholes or unresolved sidestories. Another thing to keep in mind is how comic artists for JUMP do have editors etc who can have a say in what goes into the manga (famously, Sasuke only existed because Matashi Kishimoto's editor suggested it). So again, while Oda might be able to do whatever the hell he pleases in One Piece at this point, that wouldn't have been the case 20+ years ago. He would have been more or less at the whims of his editors back in the day.

So would Oda have thought about giving Luffy, the main character of the series, a transgender father back in the year 2000? Could that really have been the secret plan from the start? And would Oda's editor(s) at JUMP have allowed that? Or, did Oda maybe come up with the idea later?

Now just so we're clear, I am NOT suggesting Crocodad was Oda's original intent and that his editors didn't let him do it or anything like that, my tinfoil hat isn't on that fucking tight. What I do want to suggest, is that it is plausible Crocodile being Luffy's other dad was an idea Oda was playing around with at the back of his mind from the begining, but wasn't sure he'd ever get to, mainly due to the uncertainty of series' future and partially because he could've been unsure if his editors would even allow him to write that story. And IF this was the case, Oda may not have even started committing to to the idea until around the CP9 saga. Or, it's possible Oda only got the idea sometime after the completion of the Alabasta arc/during Skypiea saga, and started laying down the groundwork for during Summit War so that, if he ever got around to it, he'd be able to commit and tell that story.

Regardless, let's be real.

It is interesting and kind of suspicious how Crocodile does just happen to be introduced around the same time the rest of Luffy's family was first shown to us, even if we didn't know Garp and Dragon were Luffy's family yet (this was also the same time the first canon queer character was introduced; Oda was playing around with queer characters during Crocodile's introduction, possibly testing the waters to see what he could get away with?) During the CP9 Saga we got the Miss Goldenweek cover story, where we see what's become of Crocodile after the fall of Baroque Works. This is of course adding to the world building of the CP9 Saga (where we're told the criminals who go through Enies Lobby are either sent to Impel Down or to Marineford; so us finding out Crocodile's gone to ID is playing off of what we knew would become of Robin and Franky and the Strawhats not come to rescue them. AND it's foreshadowing for the Summit War Saga), but also, soon after we were reminded of Crocodile and told where he's been sent off to, we were finally formally introduced to Garp and Dragon (Garp having already been mentioned by Aokiji at the begining of the Saga). And we close off the Saga watching Ace and Blackbeard have their fateful match. So again, Crocodile was on Oda's mind around the same time the rest of Luffy's family was. And indeed, after Thriller Bark we then move onto Summit War proper, where Oda does all The Things we would considder The Groundwork for Crocodad, most important being the introduction of Ivankov and their Devil Fruit. But again, just like before, Crocodile just happens to be there at the same time as this saga, which really heavily focuses on Luffy's family, plays out. While we learn about Dragon's secretive nature and connection to Iva-chan, Garp's feelings for the boys, Ace's struggle with his heritage and Luffy's love for him, Sabo and Garp... Yeah, Crocodile's just... Also there.

Whenever Oda starts dwelling into Luffy's family, Crocodile is always there. It's a bizarre coincidence if nothing else.

(And oh won't you look at that, Crocodile has once again become a plot relevant character, just in time for The Final Saga where Dragon has also started becoming actually plot relevant as well)

All of this to say, again.

The fact that Oda has refused to tell us anything about Luffy's other parent is sus, and to me indicates that either although unusual for him Oda genuinely just doesn't give a damn about Luffy's other parent, or he's been trying to play it safe for years so that if he ever got the opportunity, he could give Luffy two dads. (Or maybe there's some other twist that has nothing to do with Crocodile, that is possible too, I just feel like if that was the case then why hide it for 27 years?)

Whatever the case, I'm sure Oda knows the truth.

And I'm sure we will find out the truth eventually, be it on the pages of the comic or in the SBS.

[king-paimon]

Houseki no Kuni Chapter 107 Thoughts: Goodnight, Sweet Phos...

Hello everyone! Sorry for the delay with this post. I originally intended to finish it and post it on Wednesday, but you know.... life happened.

Another month has gone by and now we're on our second to last chapter for Houseki no Kuni. That's right; it's been confirmed that the next chapter will be the last chapter. Can you believe it? If you've seen my previous posts, I'm sure you have an idea of how I feel about this news.

But that'll be for the end of this post. For now, let's talk about this chapter! I don't know how long this one will be, but I'll still warn you that it might be longer than intended, which is the norm for me. This post is a bit too messy for my liking so I might end up making some edits to it later. For now, I just want to have it posted.

As always, please feel free to share your own thoughts in this post! Here we go!

Visual Storytelling Through Change in Style

The first thing I want to talk about is the visuals for this chapter. It greatly contrast with the visual style of the previous couple of chapters. In those chapters, the art was loud, intense, and chaotic, and yet mesmerizing and immersive. The heavy use of black, sharp lines and patterns emphasizes on the harshness of the changing environment. And in many of those page, Phos looks so small, as they are literally being consumed by their surroundings. Even though there were many panels where Phos, Eyeball, or the pebbles are the focus, the background is still very overwhelming in comparison.

Now contrast that with most of the visuals in this chapter. Most, if not all, of the intense visual motifs from the previous chapters are gone; no sharp patterns, black is subdued significantly, and the background isn't overpowering the characters.

The intensity of the visuals were cut back significantly and were traded in for simplified line art, heavy use of the white negative space, and soft hues that make everything airy and dream-like. This is especially true during Phos's sequence. I like how there are very few thick continuous lines in the artwork. These illustrations are mostly made up of light, loose broken up short lines that create abstract structures. And I like that as the regression continued, Phos's design simplified to the point that they were just a small abstract face.

This art style literally and metaphorically showed us the deconstruction of Phos. It's so simple, and yet so impactful.

This is also the case for the last two pages.

The change in visual tone does a nice job emphasizing the literal and figuratively change in scenery. To be more specific, the drastic art style changes can symbolize the final metamorphosis of the remaining characters and the story itself. With Eyeball and the pebbles, the style emphasizes how they've transitioned to a whole new place in a literal and allegorical sense. And with Phos, they're style does the same by emphasizing on the deconstruction of their being during their final moments.

I apologize if what I said was confusing (I also got myself confused for a moment haha) But I'll just end this section with this: I liked the art in this chapter.

Now then, we should jump into the meat of this chapter....

Phos's final curtain call.

Phos Can Finally Rest...

Like I stated before, I found Phos's pages really beautiful for different reasons. In terms of visuals, it's nice seeing some softer imagery after having nothing but sharp, chaotic ones. And story wise, it's nice to see Phos finally letting go and feeling fulfilled.

They are finally free, for real this time. Free from heartache, pain, existing. Phos is no longer held back by the sorrow they had been carrying, and they are free of regret.

They are finally at peace.

And would you look at that? We got to see Pho's original face one last time. And they were happy.

Good for them.

Before going to the next section, I want to quickly talk about this page:

When I first looked through the spoiler tag for the previous couple of chapters, I remember seeing some posts from people who seemed unsatisfied with how the story progressed. From what I understand, many of them didn't like that Phos decided to forgive the remnants of humanity. With this latest chapter, I'm sure there are fans who were also not happy that during Phos's final moments that they are thinking about wanting to see their old families again. I can understand the sentiment, though I'm not surprised with this development.

Despite everything that had led the story to this point, Phos did not hate their old families. Yes, they harbored malice towards them during different points of the story, and it would have been justifiable for Phos to punish them along with the other remnants of humanity came to them to pray. But instead, Phos chose to forgive and free them.

I originally saw Phos's actions as their way of finally cutting ties with their families and relieving themselves of the emotional baggage that they burdened them with. But it's been hinted for a while that despite everything, Phos still loved their families. And the fact that Phos wishes they could see them again solidifies this fact.

Though I can't say if I like this revelation or not, I still find it interesting. But again, I can understand if some readers disagree with Ichikawa's writing decisions. If you have your own thoughts about Phos's final moments, please feel free to share them!

But regardless of everything, I still think this was a wonderfully fitting send off for Phos.

But I'm not done talking about Phos just yet.

And Start Anew...

I'll admit that having the first image I see be Phos's last gem piece shatter was not the welcoming image I wanted to see. For a moment, I thought my hope that there was a chance the small piece of Phos would grow sentience and live a new life was shattered (haha.)

But hooray, for that theory became a reality! Despite Phos's last piece breaking up again, a small bit remained and is evidently showing signs of life. It was wonderful how the pebbles immediately recognized that small piece as their brother, showing once again how open and welcoming their are. Small Phos is so lucky.

And how ironic is it that this Small Phos is considered the smallest, (in some ways) youngest, and most fragile new member of this new family... much like how Phos was with the gems at the beginning of this whole story. (I know that Phos was the same height as the other gems, but because of their makeup and position within their society, Phos can be considered less significant or "smaller" than everyone else)

Hm. With that thought in the air... I hope the parallels end there and this doesn't mean that this small and untainted piece of Phos won't be subjected to a similar treatment of their predecessor, right?

...right??

Nah, it should be fine....Unless Aechmea somehow comes back-

Created Their New Path: Final Act of Defiance?

The second to last thing I'd like to talk about is this page because it had me thinking about few things.

It made me think back to the previous chapters, namely the crazy, nearly perfect plans perpetuated by Aechmea and the Lunarians. It's been emphasized many times how calculated Aechmea's plans were, especially when it came to Phos. He nearly predicted every action Phos would make and kept planning and manipulating accordingly until things go the way he wants. And in the previous chapter, it was also heavily implied that he and the other remnants of humanity counted on Phos, Eyeball, and whatever new organisms they came across, to get onto the Dues Ex Machina ship. In some way, they predicted correctly.

But now I must ask these questions:

Did they also count on the possibility of Phos not entering the ship?

Did they also count on Eyeball switching off the ship's autopilot, manually controlling it, and subsequently crash landing it on a planet that more than likely wasn't the original destination?

For these questions, I want to say no.

It's interesting how even though at this point in the story, both Eyeball and Phos seemed resigned to the fact all of their actions were a result of them being manipulated, even after the perpetrators were long gone. But funny enough, I think that their very last actions were entirely their choice. For Phos, staying on the planet and ceasing to exist was entirely their choice. And for Eyeball, choosing to meddle with the ships settings to grab Phos's last gem piece and boost the ships' output. I don't think Aechmea counted on Eyeball doing that. If Eyeball is correct and they did pass the planet that Aechmea had possibly prepared for them, then this means that Eyeball had in many ways changed the trajectory of his and the pebble's lives, albeit unintentional. This could all mean that are all finally free from Aechmea and his long-game, 4D chess plans.

Phos and Eyeball have finally and truly defied Aechmea and humanity.

...BUT THEN AGAIN.. there's always that dumb chance that this was ALSO somehow part of Aechmea's plan. I highly doubt it, because that would be very ridiculously convoluted, even for this story. But then again, you never know with this author.

But for the sake of this post, I want to believe Phos and Eyeball came out on top in the end by intentionally and unintentionally forging paths that wasn't previously made for them. Even though Phos's final choice was somewhat influenced by the professor, it still felt like it was truly their decision.

I hope this doesn't unravel somehow with the final chapter.

Speaking of which-

The Final Stretch...

I can't believe it. This story is about to end. We'll finally almost done and what a journey it has been. I can't believe I started getting into this series almost over 6 years ago. Many things have happened since then, and during this time, this story had sent me on such an emotional rollercoaster. Though there are many things within the story that I wish was different or handled better, I still think this was a very wonderful and thought provoking story.

Now Ms. Ichikawa has to stick the landing. This could make or break this series.

After everything you put us readers through, I hope the true finale will be worth it.

[ilgaksu]

i will now be referring to this situation as weimargate, because i must laugh or i will dissolve into the void.

aka i have had a VERY weird experience of it in fandom lately, and it has escalated to memes in lieu of interpretative dance*, but also i want to talk about it because i think, in more general terms, it's relevant for discussion about how fandom is evolving.

(*as illustrated by @difeisheng because i am personally intimidated by photoshop. interpretative dance would've only had me to blame.)

so. hi! if you don't know me, i am an ao3 writer who goes by the pen name ilgaksu. i have 179 fics on my ao3 account, and of those, 46 of these are for DMBJ or grave robber's chronicles. i've been writing in this fandom for roughly three years, which means according to the laws of mathematics and my own inability to stop posting about my favourite blorbos, that's a new fic every 3.39 weeks. i have not counted chapter updates in this count, but given several have multiple chapters, i think we can see there's....a lot. one ongoing series is currently sitting at about 200k, word-count wise. i like to write, overall, about disability, reclamation, legacy and memory. i also overuse semi-colons.

i am also a very private person at this point in my fandom career. this will be the first post i've made in a while talking about myself where i have allowed there to be reblogs on it. this isn't intended as an affront to anyone else in fandom. my ask box is open, sans anon, and in the last few years, i chose to reply to every comment i could to make sure i still get to engage about the characters i love without compromising my own desire for privacy about my personal life. i choose to work under an explicit persona - because we all do on the internet but i have made mine obvious and enunciated and almost a brand - because i think there is something freeing about allowing myself that experience. it's allowed me to write work that i relate to deeply without having to divulge my life to be analysed by strangers on the internet. generally, i like to post my silly little stories, talk to people about them, and then go about my day offline.

anyway, so this week, i seriously considered walking away wholesale from my current fandom, and i'd actually like to talk about why, and talk about me as a person as opposed to the narrative of persona that i've crafted.

because the reality of a persona is that a real, living person is required to animate it. if i am the person who is small and human and anxious to even speak about this, then i am also the reason the operation is running. it's a one-man show. as much as i want my work to speak for itself without my need to justify its meaning or worth, without my experiences, research and choices about my time, the work would not exist. that's just fact. it's fact for every writer and artist and podficcer and person who labours out of love you see. i also deliberately consider myself a writer as opposed to a content creator, because i believe that label mimics a wider culture i have no interest in - that of someone creating a consumable, ownable object. my fanfiction is a hobby. it cannot be owned by other people. unlike my original work, where it can be bought, there is no formal, explicit contract between me and the reader. there is, however, in fandom, an implicit social contract of equality and collaboration, where we are all equals. i am fundamentally no better than someone who never writes fic and never wants to and never will. i reject the idea of superiority among fans because i do not engage in subculture to mimic the dominant culture, the one that tells me stories are something only certain people are allowed to see themselves in, or even tell to others; that production is the only means of social capital and intrinsic worth.

i am aware, also, that by being private the way i am, i end up sacrificing some experiences that i could have by being more accessible, but i want to reiterate that i have never gone out of my way to conceal my tumblr, nor ignored people who contacted me directly to talk about my fic. in fact, if you show up to talk about my fic, i will probably be so thrilled i'll never let you leave - especially since, when it comes to a majority of it - i spend a lot of time on research, something i enjoy, and deliberately cite my research in the notes because i want to share it as part of the experience of my writing. clearly, i want ideas i have come up with to be enjoyed and loved and shared, because otherwise why would i take the risk of putting them out online, where i then cannot control how they're received or transformed?

however, since about a year ago, i've maintained a policy of works based on my own that i've had outlined clearly in my profile on ao3 here:

as someone who is playing in someone else's sandbox for free myself, my only request is if when you use an idea, usually a headcanon, which is one i created, which you can as much and in whatever way you want because that is the nature of collaborative fandom and the reason i love it so much, you cite that i was the originator of the idea. and secondly, that you let me know. this is a personal request based on how writing can be a very lonely project, even in fandom. you put your work out into the world, with no sense of who it will reach and if it will mean anything to them, and you have to work on the faith that even if it doesn't, the work itself was worthwhile. but you hope it will, because everyone hopes it will.

all of this is outlining so it's understandable to people that read this how i was completely off my face bewildered when i found out a headcanon of mine had reached the level of fanon popularity where it's been mistaken for canon, and has been for over a year at the very least, and i had literally no idea this had happened.

which, frankly, was both hilarious, in a very bizarre way, and completely, deeply sucked.

i know this is my idea because of how distinctive it is, and how much it contravenes canon - namely, that a character, hei xiazi, was a medical student in berlin during the weimar republic. i know it's mine because the timeline with the canon we're told by the actual writer of the source material doesn't match up, which i was aware of and chose to retcon. it was designed and fitted to a personal interpretation of canon material i had been working on for years, and involved a lot of time and research and intense love for the era, the character, and the ways a story about being alone in a foreign country had intertwined with my own personal life. ever since i wrote it, i assumed that the one or two people who had used it with credit were the only ones who had, and because they had honoured my request i was honestly completely thrilled. i still am that those fics exist. that's because it was collaborative.

i want to be clear: nothing about the situation as it stands has been collaborative. a writer being the last to know about the commonality of their own idea in a small fandom is not collaborative. and while it might not bother everyone, it's bothered me to the point i've had serious consideration for several days about whether i should walk away from the fandom.

but ilgaksu, surely you should be flattered that people liked the idea so much?

yes. this was never about the use of the idea. it's about the way this idea has been isolated and used with an assumption that i would have no interest in knowing, or that i would even need to know. i'm not sure what has caused this - whether the persona element of my work has led people to believe i would not have any emotions about finding this out, but i am not, actually, a persona. i am the person who uses it. and as the person who uses it, this is how it felt to find this out. it felt, and still feels uncomfortable, hurtful and isolating to find out your idea has been so beloved but that nobody considered whether you would like to know. it feels like the collaborative element of fandom has been severed from you, specifically, and that your fanwork has been treated as entirely other from you as a fan. i hope nobody else making work feels like this, and i've been told this situation is so strange as to ensure that's hopefully not the case, but i think this is an ongoing issue more widely - the idea that writers are separate from fan culture, and their works are products as opposed to the shared results of a hobby.

do i think this was deliberate? not at all. do i think this was intended to be hurtful? not even in the slightest. but i want to be clear how personal this feels.

i don't have an answer for this situation. the cat is out of the bag, ilgaksu knows about the fanon, and hei xiazi is, despite all canon, going to medical school in 1920s germany. expressing my discomfort with how this has gone down feels important to me anyway, and it's also important to me that i do it in this very detailed way so that people who were unaware do not feel personally at fault, or feel like by me expressing this i am taking this idea back from them. i always wanted this idea to be loved and to be shared.

i also always hoped this idea would find people who wanted and needed a story about someone a long way from home following an ambition, and how much fear and hope and desire goes into the decision to do something like that, and what it means to be a disabled person in a foreign country, and what it means to be queer in a foreign country, and overall what it means to be a stranger in a strange land. i want to be clear that while i wrote this for me, i also wrote it for everyone who has also lived that. i want my work to feel like someone is holding your hand, not that they're at a distance and disregarding you, the reader, and the relationship we have together during the time you read my work.

i hope in future that if you use my headcanons and are aware of that being the case, you let me know. i don't have to read the work itself if you find that intimidating. i will not go out of my way to find it. whatever you've done with the idea, i will fundamentally see it as a compliment and evidence of an exchange between us as a fandom. but i want to know because otherwise, all i see is you taking something i loved and wanted to share and enjoying it with a door firmly shut between us. i am too old to care if i'm not invited to a party, but if the party is themed around a concept i put so much thought and love - for the source material, the people who were going to read it and myself - i can't help but care. it's hard to feel like a vending machine, even if the process of making the fic is so joyful for me that i won't stop until the joy is gone. it hasn't gone yet, but this week it's been dented a bit.

anyway - if you got to the end of this, thank you. please be considerate of how much this has taken for me to express, regardless of your own feelings on it, and how unusual it is for me to make a post that is able to be shared. if you use the idea in future, you do so with my blessing, which was always there. if you want primary sources, places to start, or anything like that - fashion, language, visuals - i want to be clear you can ask me and i will be beyond thrilled to help. i always have been and i'm concerned that because of this that hasn't been clear. but i also feel like if i don't state this experience in this way at this time, and how it was experienced by me, odds are i will now forever look over my shoulder and wonder if this will happen again, and i love writing for this fandom so much that i will not allow something like that to dim that love. i know you love these characters so much too - it's why you're here. i actually used to make a lot more meta posts like this, about fan culture, and i've been considering if i will again - just less personal and less anxiety-inducing to post next time. until and beyond then, i just hope we can all consider things like this in future - that i can treat you with the same grace - and understand the pressures and anxieties of writers in fandom at this point in time especially. a lot of us have hearts far more made of glass about the things we love, like our work, than can be immediately apparent.

anyway, i'm going back into hiding now.

your friendly local cryptid fanwriter,

ao3 user ilgaksu <3

[kitramune]

Popping by seeking your thoughts about Chapter 176: Kagome’s Heart, this specifically:

As we know, it’s a major turning point in the story. Kagome asks to stay by Inuyasha’s side, rather than leave him, the feudal era, and the jewel shard mission behind.

Now this is pure speculation, but I like to speculate. What if Kagome had left? Certainly, that’s an entirely different story, but I’m curious what you think may have happened in this scenario.

Some particular questions I have are:

Would Inuyasha have teamed up with Kikyo to try to collect shards and defeat Naraku?

Kagome was the glue that brought the Inugang together. In her absence at /this/ point of the story (the 3 year separation is different), would they have parted? As in, would Miroku, Sango, and Shippo parted ways with Inuyasha if he teamed up with Kikyo (I don’t see her being a fan of traveling with the inugang)? If so, do they fight Naraku in their smaller group, do they survive, etc.

Would Naraku/ the jewel still have been defeated?

Even *if* InuKik defeated Naraku/ the jewel (I don’t think they would have), how does the story end? Kikyo isn’t alive so she.. dies? Achieves nirvana and Inuyasha just.. grieves the rest of his life or joins her in death? I don’t see a happy ending ☹️

Just seeking civil discussion as always not trying to light any fires xD

Oh man, this is a sad one, let me strap in with a depressing yearning/pining playlist. First off, I think this arc shows a LOT of things about both Inuyasha and Kagome's character, good and bad. Mostly good, but perhaps in bad context. Or at least very sad context. I mean we got Inuyasha going from this:

... to this:

(I know this isn't the same arc but bear with me, the character development is there and he has a similar change of heart here, for her emotional wellbeing, not just physical.) The important thing to note is Kikyou wanted to die at this point, and still to take Inuyasha with her.

And Inuyasha's response was this:

So even if it's born out of extreme guilt and trauma, I find it unlikely they would have fought Naraku at all. Kikyou talks a big game, but first chance she gets she is always trying to call Inuyasha to her side strictly to die, never for his help. (At this point.) Inuyasha more than likely would have been coerced to Hell even against his better judgement. Shippou was willing to leave the group once already without Kagome (after the Sess fight, he only came back cuz of the wolves chasing him) and Miroku is used to being a loner vagabond. Who knows what would happen to Shippou but Miroku and Sango would have likely drifted apart, encountered Naraku, and perished, even if they were together tbh. (Let's face it, Sango's pretty helpless against the Kohaku card.) Even Kagome would have been miserable having her tie to Inuyasha go unfulfilled and always regretting not knowing if everyone was still alive and safe or if she left them to their doom. So with that being said, as much as I love this scene as a pure example of her devotion to Inuyasha, there realistically WAS some pressure on her decision. I think she fully knew Kikyou intended to kill Inuyasha and that he couldn't say no because of his vulnerabilities and perceived superior love for her. (That hurts me to say but it's Kagome's POV.) That's why she had the lines about wanting him to feel like he's allowed to be happy and she wants that for him. She feels that normally, yes, but even moreso in the wake of knowing he'll likely forfeit his life. (I think the anime even emphasized this by adding her saying "You have to know that I want you to live." SOMEONE had to show him they care enough or he'd be too far gone.) The beautiful part is that Kagome DID full-on save Inuyasha's life by making her choice. Because she's unsure if she'll be able to help him enough to keep him around forever, but he's shown an uncanny desire to LIVE for her. Which obviously he continues to show again and again, and is my favorite part of their relationship. An outcast so abused and conditioned to it that the first person to care about him tells him to die and he absolutely will. But that outcast learns he wants to live way more, through interacting with unconditional love. I've said it before but Kikyou to me was always a metaphor for Inuyasha's grief and succumbing to the pain, whereas Kagome was always symbolic for a desire to live and be happy again.

[penultimate-step]

In Defense of Ruby Hoshino

Or: Yes, the Aqua/Ruby interactions from the last couple dozen chapters ARE necessary for characterization and thematic reasons, why do you ask?

The Oshi no Ko fandom has kind of frustrated me over the last few months. It feels like every chapter that comes out and any discussion of it now has people making over the top angry exclamations talking about how much they hate incest, calling it "bait" and irrelevant to the story. Now, while of course anybody is free to have their own preferences and things that bother them, I do think some of this is taken out of proportion, and perhaps blinding them to the actual narrative importance of Ruby's supposed feelings for Aqua. Which, I do think this is a critical, load bearing part of Ruby's character arc, and corresponding the themes of the story as a whole, so it bothers me when I see so many people dismissing it as "brocon fanservice" or shipping nonsense.

I think perhaps out of an instinctive disgust reaction, people have trouble engaging with it. The way people act seems to be that either this is a serious romance plot, and the series will end with them dating, or that it is merely for sexual titillation and shock value on the part of the author, with no greater meaning, but it's pretty clear that it is neither of those things - Aqua/Ruby is not a romance, they will not date, they do not have romantic feelings for each other. However, that doesn't mean that what's going on between them is pointless.

The issues that Ruby has, both in their relationship and just in general, hinge pretty explicitly on Ruby's assumptions about her own feelings in her past life. she cannot develop past those without first confronting them.

And this is not a new thing. The groundwork for how Ruby has been acting in the movie arc was laid down long before, and needs necessary followup. To simply not have her talk about potential feelings for Aqua, as some fans wish, would have meant leaving many threads hanging, and made for a worse story. Almost everything about how they've interacted was something that could have been predicted from chapter 77. In it, Ruby makes it clear that she believes her feelings for Gorou are romantic, and that she intends to try to initiate something in her new life. However, at the same time, the fact that it was never going to happen is also, I feel, fairly clear.

In the past, in the flashback scene, Sarina claimed she was in love with Gorou. He told her he would reciprocate when she turned 16. In my opinion, I do not think either of the feelings the characters expressed in this scene were meant to be believed by the audience at all. Sarina is 12 here, she might have a puppy crush on the doctor but I think true romantic interest was probably beyond her. Meanwhile, Gorou isn't actually a pedophile? His statement was made with both parties knowing that she would die long before then, a way to make his rejection hurt her less, and as a desperate attempt to motivate her to keep living as long as she could. Though it is clear that both are the most important people to one another, and that this is an expression of their real care, I very, very, much doubt there was any actual romance in this scene.

Does this not seem very relevant for a series with the theme of people not understanding love? Back then, Gorou was Sarina's one true bond. Her parents had abandoned her and she had no friends to visit her. This was the one example of real mutual care she had, of course she would call it "love." (I mean, I'd also call it love, but not a romantic love. Familial, if anything, but friends works too - the actual name on it is unclear, what matters is that they cared for each other, but not like that.) Now, in her new life as Ruby, she has many more people who love her and who she loves in return, but having died both painfully young before, she hasn't had the opportunity to really grapple with all the old feelings about the doctor. It's pretty obvious to me whenever we see Ruby thinking of Aqua now. Just look at this page from 126:

In Ruby's own mind, he's drawn in a completely different style, like a manga romance hero. Her feelings about Aqua are fantasies, dreams, and projections, not substantial or tied to reality.

Much has been made of how Aqua, despite being Ai's son, still puts her on the pedestal of an idol, and can not see her flaws and interiority, even as he tries to avenge her death. Part of this movie arc is having characters like Ruby, Kana, and Akane start to see Ai from new angles, and relate to the human part of her. But for Aqua and Ruby to truly develop past their issues, this isn't the only pedestal they need to tackle. Ruby's regard for the doctor is a direct mirror to Aqua's feelings towards Ai. Even with the object of her affections right in front of her, she can't she past her own assumptions.

And of course, while Ruby is slowly coming to understand Ai and still failing to understand Aqua, there's one more person in the room who Ruby needs to come to an understanding about: herself, both as Sarina and now. Her refusal to see Aqua's flaws is tied up in her own feelings about the past - to acknowledge him as imperfect would mean understanding that part of the reason Sarina loved Gorou was tied up in her own desperation to love and be loved. Furthermore, while she has many more ties in her life as Ruby, I don't think its a stretch to say part of her is still stuck in that past state, holding people at arm's length.

While she has friends now, the bonds she thinks of as strongest are the ones from back then - her idolization of Ai, her love for Gorou. When Aqua reveal's Ai's secrets, in 106, Ruby says that despite being siblings, raised together for 17 years now, she didn't think of Aqua as family on his own terms - she felt a bond solely because they were linked through Ai, and does not hesitate to cut him off. She doubles down on this in 122, calling them "strangers who happened to be born in the same place." Similarly, while Ruby has been shown to be friendly with coworkers like Kana and Mem, as well as classmates like Frill, on some level she is keeping them at a distance. Beyond the simple fact that she can't talk to them about her previous life, she's been keeping plenty of emotions held in for a long time - pretty much every Ruby appearance from the Miyazaki Return arc to today has shown her not wanting to acknowledge her own struggles. Her pain from her life as Sarina is easy to keep buried. When nobody else knows Sarina exists, all she has to do is not think about it, not talk about it, not say anything, and it's almost like it never happened. Not til her breakdowns in chapters like 115 and 121 does she speak it aloud, but always either with plausible deniability or when she thinks she's alone.

I don't think her bonds as Ruby are fake - part of what she says to aqua, I think, is a defensive cope - but much like how she says she is in love with Gorou now, that is what Ruby believes. To her, all the friendships and bonds she's made in her new life are transient and fleeting things. She can never feel secure that they are based in real feelings, that they won't simply drop her when she becomes inconvenient, as everyone in her past life did. This perception contributes to her own willingness to reject others. Putting her friends at a distance during her revenge arc, cutting ties with Aqua over the Ai reveal, these are all things she does because she has no faith in the foundations of these bonds, and without understanding them she is willing to throw them away for Sarina's old memories - for the sake of the one person she believes will never let her down.

The only way Ruby is going to solve the story of Oshi no Ko is through coming to an understanding. Of Ai, of Aqua, and of Sarina. Ai didn't understand love until the day she died, and both of her children have in some ways followed in her footsteps, but Ruby has the chance to be the one to break this, to understand what was holding her back before and fully embrace loving her family and friends.(platonically. geez.) Reckoning with her feelings for Gorou (and by extension, Aqua,) was always going to be a key step forward for her. These dominoes have been laid down for 60-70 chapters now, at least, and I am excited to see where it goes.

[yonemurishiroku]

Child of Aphrodite Nico au in which Will is put through trails like Psyche in order to prove his dedication to Nico. Thoughts?

Will and Apollo bonding over having to overcome trials. Will fighting for his love whereas Apollo fighting his exes. Brilliant. He is really his father's son.

Anw this reminds me of that one Child of Aphrodite! Nico fanfic wherein Cupid calls him "Mother's favorite" or brother or st like that.... It's fun. It gets me thinking, where do Cupid and Psyche stand in all of this? Are they supportive? I think they would be, even though their support doesn't always promise good things...

On another note. Idk if you notice but like. Will is a child of Apollo. And Apollo and Cupid might have... beef? In the myth, I mean. It's about Daphne and the origin of the laurel tree, you know? That time Apollo looks down on Eros' archery and in retort, Eros shoots a gold arrow at Apollo and a bronze one at Daphne, which then leads to the whole... tragic love chase or whatever.

Sorry. The whole thing is also the inspiration for a Solangelo fanfic of mine so I can't help but bring that up LMAO. What I'm trying to say is that this can shine a new light on this scenario. Does it make Cupid/Eros more bitter or lenient?

Onto the story itself. Now this is an exciting part. In the original myth, Psyche has to go through four trials, three of which are finished with the help of outside forces, the last of which is -I just looked it up- retrieving Persephone's cream. I can alr see many references, really.

The first thing that popped into my head was that we could put other characters into the roles of Will/Psyche's helpers, which then translates into all the connections either Will or Nico possibly have made in all those years of demigod life.

For instance, in the 3rd task of the original myth, an eagle helped Psyche fill a crystal vessel with the water of the spring that feeds the Styx and Cocytus. Who does it remind you of? Who has access to the Underworld and has connections to an eagle symbol?

Hazel. That's who. And I really don't know how you intend to mortify their dynamics now that Nico isn't a child of Hades, but Imma assume they are sibling-like still bc fuck it, they are my religion. The point is Hazel might help Will, if only for her brother.

I suppose I don't have to talk much about how Will's gonna fetch Persephone's cream bc Rick makes it pretty obviously LMAO. They are chilling in the Underworld garden sunbathing (Will being the sun) covered in Persephone's suncream or st Idk. Will has this so much easier than Psyche.

In the end, Cupid rescues Psyche from the deep sleep of the underworld cream. This can be translated into Nico realizing that someone is truly fighting to be with him, and he wants to make an effort to meet them in the middle, but that's just me running into a dead-end bc idk how Will's gonna fall asleep if Persephone is alr so kind lending him the cream and that kid def doesn't dream about getting more beautiful like Psyche did or whatsoever. So. Idk. Maybe Cupid messes it up? I would if I were him, ngl. But that's just me.

Thoughts are jumbling around in my mind but life doesn't always give what we want so I guess this is all I can offer atm LMAO. this is a good foundation for a long-chaptered Solangelo child of Aphrodite!Nico fanfic if you ask me, ngl.

[aishangotome]

Alfons Sylvatica: Chapter 5

Chapter 4 Premium Story

♡———♡

Alfons: Good morning, little robin.

(Huh... this voice is...)

Kate: ... !!

Alfons: Oops.

She jolted awake, and he, who had been close to her ear, swiftly moved away and lay down on the bed, smiling.

Alfons: In the end, we went all the way, huh?

Kate: Ah, ah... ah...

Alfons: What happened? You're making those noises. I haven't done anything to make you moan like that this morning.

Kate: Aahh! Don't remind me!

That's right... just like before, I have a clear memory of last night.

(I... again, mistook Alfons for my lover... and, did those things...)

But, in the first place, it's Alfons' fault for deceiving and embracing me.

I glare resentfully at the smile in front of me.

Alfons: I understand what you want to say. Please, I will gladly accept any harsh criticism.

Kate: It's cruel to deceive me again, it's cowardly to manipulate people's hearts without permission!

Alfons: Is that all? Your vocabulary is surprisingly limited.

(This, this man...)

Kate: Y-you, d-demon...!

Alfons: Ah ha! "Demon"!

Alfons: I like it, it's a phrase that suits you, a lover of theater.

He clapped his hands mockingly, and suddenly furrowed his brows in a theatrical manner.

Alfons: But, isn't it a bit much? Calling me a "demon"... to the man who was, even temporarily, your "lover"?

Alfons: Last night, you begged me so many times, looking so pleased...

His eyes approach, slipping into my heart like a whisper, and I involuntarily recoiled.

Alfons: You were gasping so loudly that the whole castle could have heard it.

Kate: …… huh!?

(Gasp…… huh? U-uh, lies…… I don't remember that……)

Alfons: …… It wasn't just a one-night stand, we've become quite involved, haven't we?

My pale face flushes instantly.

Kate: I-I…… I never intended to have this kind of relationship……

–I try to say I didn't, but the words catch in my throat.

Because I remember how I clung to the pleasure he gave me yesterday.

"This is what I want right now"…… Was it the illusion of love, or my own will that made me think that–,

(I…… I don't, know)

As I fall silent, he continues with amusement.

Alfons: Hehe, yes, you're right. If we were to say who's more at fault, it's 100% me.

Alfons: You could sue me and win, but what will you do?

Alfons laughs without a hint of remorse.

His smile is infuriating, but now I don't know what kind of face to make or how to wave my hand.

I must be his perfect plaything, since my face changes with every word he says.

(I won't let him do whatever he wants anymore...)

Kate: I'm not going to sue you.

Alfons: Oh, how forgiving you are.

Kate: But I won't let you play me around anymore.

Alfons: A declaration of war? Well, that's brave of you.

Alfons: But how do you plan to stop me?

--CHOICES--

I won't tell you!

I'll find out your weakness

I'll figure out a way

-------------

Kate: I won't tell you!

Alfons: Very clever. It's wise to keep your cards close to your chest.

Alfons: Well, even if you did think about it, I doubt you could find any weakness of mine to exploit.

Kate: ....!

Alfons: Oh my, have I hit a nerve?

Alfons smiles confidently.

Kate: A-anyway! I don't want to be shown any more illusions.

Alfons: Why do you dislike illusions?

Kate: Because... I don't want to miss anything important.

Illusions cannot become reality.

Kate: When I can't see reality, I might be missing something important.

Alfons smiles pityingly at my words.

––As if to say that I don't know what "reality" is yet.

Alfons: ...There's nothing more important than feeling good, Miss Kate.

Alfons: Life is a tragedy. You need an escape. Don't you agree?

Alfons: It's best to paint over all the scary and sad things with fun and forget about them.

As he whispered seductively, he captured my fingertips on the sheets and gently intertwined them.

Even though I should refuse, saying, "Please stop," his gestures, his touch––for some reason, they stimulate a soft spot in my heart.

(……As I thought.)

(Whenever Alfons touches me like this……)

(It's when I'm about to be consumed by negative emotions.)

Fear, sadness––he tries to stir up those feelings with playful sweet talk and drive them out of my heart.

(You could say I'm being taken advantage of in my weakness, but...)

Somehow, it feels more accurate to say that he became my escape rather than him using me for pleasure.

(Is that why……even though he's doing this to me, I––)

I can't completely dismiss Alfons as a despicable villain.

(But……)

Kate: Forgetting everything because it's painful, that's……unhealthy.

Alfons: People forget, Ms. Kate. Forgetting is a natural self-purification process.

Alfons: Besides, aren't unhealthy things more attractive?

Alfons: Isn't it boring to live a healthy life?

He always whispers words that are the opposite of common sense.

But––for some reason, his words gently resonate with my heart.

(Probably, the harder reality is)

Alfons: I'll make a prediction.

I raise my eyes at his voice.

I'm sure what he's going to say is nonsense.

Yet, a slight sense of anticipation makes my heart beat faster.

Alfons: When you remember yesterday, it will definitely be less about a bloody and serious murder scene, and more about...

Alfons: ...the shameless and exciting sex we had.

Kate: Wh-What!?

(As I thought, he was up to no good!)

Kate: Th-That's not true!

Alfons: Oh my, you don't have to be so embarrassed.

Alfons: You blush so easily at the slightest thing, you're so cute.

I slap away his hand that's stroking my flushed cheeks.

Kate: I'm blushing because I'm angry!

Alfons: You look lovely when you're angry too.

Kate: ……Wh-!? Don't say such nonsense……

Alfons: Let's play again, Ms. Kate.

Kate: Wait……

Alfons quickly slips out from under the sheets and leaves the room.

Leaving only the lingering scent on the bed.

Kate: He's gone……

This is the second time I've seen him off with such a casual back, as if we weren't lovers last night.

My chest aches slightly as I watch his back disappear behind the door without looking back.....This must also be because of the illusory feelings of love he made me feel.

-

After getting dressed, pushing down my complicated feelings, I left the room to ask about last night's mission.

William was in the common room and told me what had happened.

William: The captured men were secretly transported to a warehouse owned by the Crown.

Kate: Were you able to find out anything?

William: Yes, they were interrogated last night and spilled all sorts of information.

William: They claim to have been hired by the workhouse manager to "cleanse" the slums.

Kate: Cleanse...?

To clean, to purify……The literal meaning and what was actually done are far apart.

(The workhouse is a place to give jobs and food to the poor....)

(Killing the people there is "cleansing"....?)

William: Do you think you can write a report about last night's mission?

William asks me, as I'm still trying to understand.

Kate: No……I don't think the two "cursed" people were guilty.

Kate: If it weren't for them, there would have been more victims.

William: Even though they're murderers, retraining a person and twisting their thoughts?

Kate: ……I thought there are things that can only be protected by doing so.

William: I see. You're a clever and realistic robin.

William, with a cheerful smile on his lips, accepted my thoughts without affirming or denying them.

William: Will you be able to continue accompanying us on missions?

Kate: ……What do you mean?

William: I'm wondering if the memories of last night will cause you any trouble.

(Memories of last night––)

The scene of the horrific massacre, which I had convinced myself was a play, should come to mind.

––But the voice that cursed me brings another scene to mind.

When you remember yesterday, it will definitely be less about––

(To remember Alfons's prediction at a time like this……!)

My trembling and fear are replaced by his indecent prediction.

(I'm trying to think about important things, so please don't bother me……!)

I desperately shook off the illusion of Alfons in my head.

William: Kate?

Kate: I-It's okay. I can continue to accompany you on future missions without any problems.

Kate: Please tell me about the mission and what's next.

William: The kind of missions that Alfons and you go on will be a little further down the road.

William: ……In a few days, I'm scheduled to go talk to their employer.

Kate: If that person is the mastermind……will this series of incidents be solved?

William: Well, I don't know. The orphanage director the other day also used the term "cleansing."

William: But there was nothing to indicate a connection with the current workhouse manager.

William: Their ideals are aligned. They use similar terms.……But there's no direct connection.

Kate: So……

Kate: There's someone higher up who's connecting them……or manipulating them?

William: –It's the Crown's job to find out.

-

Roger: I'm curious to discover what makes Al tick, aren't you?

Liam: And you're tailing him for that? Kate, you're quite the naughty girl.

Kate: Sorry, and thank you for helping me.

Liam: Not at all. I'm happy to do anything I can to be of service to you, Kate!

––This all happened just a little while ago.

William told me to take it easy today, and I was about to head back to my room when...

Alfons: ..............

I saw Alfons going out alone in the daytime, even though it wasn't for a mission.....I asked Roger and Liam, whom I happened to meet, to follow him.

(I'm grateful to them for going along with my sudden idea.)

While walking sandwiched between the two of them, I glance at Roger on my left.

(Come to think of it……)

Roger's ability is to hear sounds within 100 yards.

(……I wonder if he heard anything about last night.)

I suddenly get anxious, and my heart starts to beat unpleasantly.

Roger: Hm? What is it, lil lady?

Kate: N-Nothing.

I turn my face away, and after a beat, Roger raises his voice as if he remembered something.

Roger: Ah, I "didn't hear" what happened between you and Al last night. Don't worry.

Kate: What!?

(Can Roger hear my inner voice too!? Did he notice my heartbeat……!?)

My mind goes completely blank, and I freeze. Roger waves his hand in front of my face.

Roger: Hey, are you okay?

Kate: Y-Yes! But how can you say you "didn't hear"……because your ability...

Roger: Calm down. My ability allows me to pick and choose the sounds I want to hear.

Roger: Or rather, I trained myself to be able to do that.

Roger: At first, all sorts of sounds came in indiscriminately, so it was tough.

Kate: I see, that's good. ……By the way, last night, Alfons and I didn't do anything special.

When I hurriedly deny it, the two look at me in exasperation.

Liam: ……Kate, it might be a little difficult to deny that.

Roger: Even without super hearing, unfortunately, it's obvious.

Kate: ..........

I turn my face away from them in silence, blushing with regret and embarrassment.

(Even though Alfons was showing me illusions, I was really out of it yesterday……)

I force my gaze towards Alfons to hide my embarrassment, and see him going down a dimly lit staircase.

(Is there a shop in the basement……?)

Kate: What's down there……?

Roger: A bar.

Liam: He often drinks in the afternoon.

(He's really unhealthy……I thought he was out partying at night and sleeping during the day, but drinking in the afternoon is also a daily routine.)

He drank hot tea without hesitation, and I feel like he doesn't take enough care of his body.

(I'm a little worried about his health……)

(No, no, I shouldn't be worried about Alfons……)

(I'm here to find his weakness.)

(Rumors that he wouldn't want spread, or something he cares about that could be used for leverage……)

(That's why I'm here!)

Roger: What do you want to do? Should we go in?

Kate: ……Yes. Will you two come with me?

Roger: I'll accompany you for a beer.

I nod, of course, at Roger's conscientious suggestion.

Kate: It's a deal!

As I was about to leave the alley and look again at the shop Alfons had entered, Liam lightly tapped my shoulder with his fingertip.

Liam: Hey, we'll be spotted like this……Let's disguise ourselves a bit.

.

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Chapter 6.

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[alastyr-not-alastair]

*breaks through your window*

Have you ever wondered how steves are born? i mean like, we all have our headcanons and many of them are pretty similar but who wants to hear mine now

well if you're still reading you probably want to

So this one i'm making specific to my fanfic Sins of the Forefathers (i promise guys im still working on it, i jsut wrote the first chapter without making an outline and now i actually have to write a whole story) just because I think it’s silly, there’s no real reason and I don’t think that it’ll end up being some major plot point or anything so I can share without spoilers!

currently there are 2 big headcanons around, 1 of them being from a bit that states that steves reproduce using diamonds, and the other one being that the energy around the place can gather into one spot until theres so much that it creates a new steve

theres also... mpreg but i'd rather NOT

so naturally i combined them

To create a child you will need a diamond and at least 2 parents that are (preferably) of the same colour! the parents need to pour in a considerable amount of their energy into the diamond to create a new steve, while the diamond acts as a sort of vessel to hold onto their power. if this was tried WITHOUT the diamond, the energy would just dissipate into the air.

This ritual leaves the parents depleted of their own energy, which is why sometimes there will be more than 2 parents, just so that the load is lighter for them. Typically, the energy split isn't 100% even, so one parent may have put in a slightly larger amount of their own energy, this usually leads to the kid being closer to that parent in shade and power type/level.

When theres a third parent introduced for the sole reason of allowing the first 2 to not have to lose so much energy, they typically only gve a small amount of their own. Not enough to influence the child but enough that the parents wont be left EXHAUSTED afterwards. When theres a third parent because they also want to be a parent and have a kid, its once again a mostly even split between all of them

This all continues no matter how many parents you introduce into the mix

now the diamond! as the energy is put into the diamond, the core of it starts to become almost like a star, a core that is keeping the energy circulating and moving inside of it until it starts to create a living being. From then on, the diamond acts as an egg.

the kid inside will slowly use up the diamonds carbon from the inside out, as the energy poured into them combines with the energy that the diamond is absorbing from the general area as well. The diamond will slowly start to slightly change colour and go opaque.

The closer that the diamond egg is to people, the faster it'll hatch simply due to it absorbing energy left in the air that people give off.

The core continues to eat away at the diamond from the inside as a steve forms in there. At this point of their lives they don't need to worry about any food or water or anything because of the fact that they're still only feeding off the energy in the universe.

Once enough energy has been absorbed, the diamond shell that's left over will start to crack and fracture. The cracks will be more like something is expanding out of it rather than just breaking out. The first crack will always be the loudest as it is when the most energy is let out. At that point the kid can come crawling out the diamond and BOOM! you have a child!

A couple thoughts more that i have that im not sure where to put in:

the steves are a carbon based race due to the fact that diamonds are entirely carbon

a new hatch will be like, the size of a large hand. They grow fast once they're out

the way they're made is quite literally like a new star, and that first crack is their supernova. they basically go through the life cycle of a star before they're even born

different colours can technically have children together but it doesn't always have the intended result. Most times the energy they pour in isnt compatible so it... makes the diamond blow up....

if they do manage to succeed, the kid will be one colour or the other, as the energy of the parent who poured less energy would slowly get converted into something the other parents is more compatible with

In the case of Rainbow Steve:

So he’s an unnatural abomination of a Steve, we all know that, right?

If you didn’t, you do now bc he’s canonically made of like 5 people

Rainbow Steve was in fact made the traditional egg way, but the outputs of the energy put into the diamond had to be made so precise it wouldn’t go one way or another. He would also then have been required to be put in an environment where all the outside energy would not influence what colour he turned out to be.

The way this was done was it was completed one person at a time. Each person first had to learn to manipulate their own energy into a spare vessel with a measuring tool in it, and once it was measured to be exactly 1/7th of the total energy they would all put in, they would have to carefully manipulate the energy in an environment where there’s no extra energy swirling around, and put that into the diamond

Rinse and repeat the process 7 times and you have a rainbow egg hopefully, which would then be carefully fed equal amounts of all energy in a sealed off room. Eventually Rainbow Steve would hatch from it and all the scientists would breath a collective sigh of relief

A pretty normal way to make him honestly, but the constant feeding of the egg exhausted the scientists pretty fast, so eventually they just made a filtering system that would store the energy they let off naturally and use that to give to the egg

Also all the scientists fell in love with each other during their time there, it’s canon I said so

[willyoubemypartner]

Alyssa Cho - An Essay

Preface - Why is Alyssa so unsympathetic?

One of the things that’s odd about Alyssa’s character is that readers have rarely been so divisive over a single character, particularly about whether or not a character is sympathetic. There’s generally a consensus about the complicated nature of characters like Kousuke or even Rand, but Alyssa discourse feels very different.

During the formal arc, Quim has mentioned a few times that many scenes had to be cut due to Webtoon’s concerns about mature/dark content conflicting with adsense policies. Quim has recently mentioned weaving these scenes back in wherever possible, meaning that things were still happening in universe, we just couldn't see them. But now when these themes come up later to be more explored, they have to be introduced in a roundabout way for it to make sense. Instead of us getting what was intended and being able to build off that foundation as we follow the story and naturally understanding the pacing as it goes.

Now how does this tie into Alyssa? Alyssa in particular had important scenes cut from the formal - parallels we lost with Alyssa and Shin-Ae, the understanding and characterization of the Kims and other elites, the reality of her life in the idol world. It turned the formal into more of a ? than it needed to or should have been, and pulled the foundation of understanding Alyssa’s character right out from under us. We went essentially 200 chapters without really getting a look at her. She was introduced (like many ILY characters) in a certain way, but it took so much longer for her to get to show her depth and development beyond that mold. And it makes it so much harder for readers to see her objectively. People don't want to have to flip their entire understanding of and feelings towards Alyssa at chapter 230.

The foundation for Alyssa being more than just the attention seeker has always been there, we just didn't get to see it.

I don't always love Alyssa. But I feel for her. She's a real person as much as every other character. She’s not just "a girl who makes the wrong choices" nor is she just “the bad friend” or just “the trapped victim” - she is all of them . Alyssa may be misguided, but that’s just it - she's misguided because she never learned how to conflict. She tries to make the right choices, and fails. She’s trying her best and it never works out for her. And so she makes mistakes and she hurts people - including herself. And a lot of them are big mistakes, with very real consequences. She can see what’s really happening around her, but thinks that maybe it can work. And so she keeps making those wrong choices, because the core that she needs to change isn't something she feels safe to rectify. She’s miserable, but she can’t get out. She draws herself to the only light she can see, like a moth to a flame.

She’s introduced as this foe, even the mini Yui. And we're supposed to originally see her that way and know that that's now Nol has come to see her. But we are simultaneously supposed to break that down and see that she is also trapped. She idolized Yui and fell so far into the deep end without realizing it and now has to be Yui's puppet. The puppetmaster imagery is both Alyssa taking after Yui and falling for it, AND Yui taking advantage of her and Alyssa having no choice anymore but to play along and be taken advantage of. There’s that inherent dichotomy to how Alyssa acts and who she is and why she is.

Something about Alyssa is that her motives and feelings are almost always far more complex than they appear. Alyssa is so plagued by those parts of herself that she’s afraid of. Alyssa gets so much criticism for making her choices because for us it's so easy to see where she's going wrong. But, if she could really see it, she wouldn't be here. We know how this really ends and what would actually help, but all Alyssa has seen is that the way she handles things is the viable option. The whole point with Alyssa is that nobody helped her navigate these things . She's as much a victim as everyone else, even though she's hurt arguably our two most sympathetic characters.

Everyone thinks that she is an attention seeker. That she's successful and aloof and just drops people. Nobody is taking a second to see her childhood trauma, understand her real motivations, look at how trapped she is, how miserable. Nobody is extending a hand to her because they don't understand. And with nobody understanding her, nobody can give her an actual way forward, because everyone's attempts will be for a problem that isn't the real issue. Like many, if not all, of our characters, in order to understand Alyssa we have to acknowledge that the reason this is happening is because of unmet and unaddressed needs, lack of personal insight, being in survival mode - the person feeling like they had no other choice.

The people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters, and we are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates all the harm, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

Unconditional Love & Chasing The Light 

At the core of Alyssa’s character is the desire to be seen and accepted for herself, at odds with the belief that who she is can’t possibly be okay.

We get some important insight into this throughout the Shinlyssa arc, but especially at Alyssa’s house and with the bullies. In Alyssa’s bedroom we see portraits of Hedy Lamaar, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Melba Roy Mouton, Alan Turing, Vera Rubin, and Sally Ride. The portraits were identified and analyzed by Kimione back in 2022 (https://new.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/ws18yg/alyssa_cho_symbolisms_notes_and_scribblings/) as well as this recent post (https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/15sh4k7/the_portraits_in_alyssas_room_in_episode_190/?sort=confidence).

Recurring themes in the portraits are all of them being involved in groundbreaking science, contributions to communication or space, being both scientific and artistic, experience of inequity and adversity, and nonnormative sexuality. For all of these people, resilience and passion in the face of a world which did not see them clearly, which did not initially support them, carried them through to their success. For many of them, a key figure (or several) in their lives provided that support that helped them reach the world. Hedy Lamarr said that her father “made me understand that I must make my own decisions, mold my own character, think my own thoughts.”

In Alyssa’s case, we can see based on her choice of portraits and conversation with Shin-Ae that she wants to be seen for who she is, leave her mark on the world through her passions, be genuine in an off-beat way. Like those on her wall, she has a natural skill for both arts and science, but intends to pursue her passion for science, perhaps using her skill in the arts to inform her manner of thinking. The difference, however, is that she does not appear to have that support network. She says that her parents follow her every whim and she’s never been able to develop a real sense of self. We see that her mother puts on a face, appears weak, passive, the trophy wife. When Alyssa was home sick from school, we see her struggle to cope with conflict and rejection, curling up in her room and refusing to talk to anyone but Shin-Ae - yet she “flips a switch” the second she hears her father walk through the door. Something that she does often, as her mother even expected it. Alyssa establishes in that moment that it is not her emotions flipping a switch, but rather the fear of what happens when her father comes home and she is not who he wants her to be. She likely fears her strict father, and resents her passive mother. Either way, Alyssa clearly doesn’t feel supported in herself - she must be the perfect poster daughter, has no role models to look up to, has no understanding of how to make her own decisions, mold her own character, think her own thoughts.

Alyssa frequently exhibits self-doubt and feelings that nobody is listening, that nobody cares. That she must mold herself to whatever others want. That she has to keep parts of herself hidden. That what she wants to be is not something that she can pull herself up in the world through. That she has to bide her time and assuage people to earn her freedom. That she is trapped and isolated.

Although not directly confirmed, we get many hints throughout the Shinlyssa arc that Alyssa is a lesbian, that she had feelings for Shin-Ae. Alyssa being gay in a homophobic world, desperately trying to fit the social mold and find unconditional love, creates such a tragic outcome. While there are obviously so many more types of love than romantic, to have something Alyssa feels such shame for, something that she can not escape or pretend away, something she did not choose, something so wrongly yet so often considered a disease, an abomination, wrong, unnatural, nonconformist tied so directly to the experience of love creates such an all-consuming conflict in Alyssa. Even if she were bisexual, she could suppress enough of herself to fit the mold and find that love (as much as it would still hurt). With her being a lesbian, it enters the fact that she will never be able to find that kind of love while she’s hiding herself. That in her quest to fit the social mold to find love and validation she’s completely closing off that gate. There is something so incredibly tragic about that self-fulfilling prophecy, and it fuels so much of Alyssa’s conflict.

Something important is how much the Shinlyssa event affects not only Shin-Ae, but Alyssa. And, when talking about the Shinlyssa event, something so important to keep in mind is how young they were. They were children, only 12 or 13 years old, in a new environment - especially for Alyssa, who had never been outside the social environment of her home.

Shin-Ae is a character whose light shines bright, which everyone is caught in. That same light that she’s sharing with Nol. A light that even Alyssa was in back in middle school, but that she couldn’t stand in, because Alyssa couldn't accept all of herself. If she stayed in Shin-Ae's light, it would have illuminated the truths she's afraid of. Alyssa is so afraid of the light shining on parts of herself she doesn't want seen that she lets the light go out all together.

It's better in the dark.

So she snuffed out her own light.

She just wants to be accepted and thinks that nobody will accept her because of those parts of herself that she can’t accept. That she’s been taught are wrong. So she can not find acceptance and belonging, she can not stand in the light. And she settles for the closest thing she can find, that artificial light that lets her keep those parts of herself hidden. But that light will never come close when she has to hide so much of herself.

There’s likely only one time in Alyssa’s life that she felt that sense of unconditional love - in her relationship with Shin-Ae. How Alyssa felt the emotional support she desperately needed, that love she craved, that acceptance for her authentic self. How she felt seen with Shin-Ae. How she pushed her away because those are feelings she's not allowed to have. Not for an outcast. Not for someone so brazen. Not for a girl. Not for someone who sees Alyssa as she genuinely is. And now that feeling of actual love and acceptance may be something she never finds again. Only conditional. Only for her image. Her persona. Only when she does what she's told. But none of it true.

Alyssa doesn’t chase fame or adoration, she’s chasing acceptance while being unable to look at herself. She is in this career, in Yui’s grasp, as a direct result of the Shinlyssa event.

Nobody ever showed her safe unconditional love. So naturally she thinks that the only way she can be loved is by chasing adoration. And, as she got older, nothing has proven that wrong for her. The Shinlyssa accident factors so strongly into why Alyssa doesn't see another way. She did have Shin-Ae, but things still went so wrong. It was ingrained into Alyssa that she can not rock the boat, can not be in conflict, has to play nice with those around her. Shin-Ae was unconventional, unpopular, and unafraid to stand up for herself. That created tension between them, and a lot of problems between them and the other kids. Alyssa, in her world, kept trying to keep Shin-Ae and not cause problems at school, but it kept blowing up in her face. And, in the end Shin-Ae falls out a window. This is a horrible way to experience your first taste of interpersonal conflict and likely just solidified for her that you absolutely can not rock the boat, you have to placate people and fit the social mold. It's also likely that her parents were involved in the aftermath of what happened in middle school, considering how much it all got swept under the rug. With her feared, strict father and her good family image mother, I can only imagine what sort of treatment she was welcomed to at home after the Shinlyssa incident. Personally, I also believe that her parents wouldn't have let her anywhere near Shin-Ae afterwards.

Hidden behind the large home and private lessons is how neglected Alyssa was. Treated as a trophy to compensate for the eldest daughter being a disappointment to their overbearing father. Living in a home as the trophy daughter with the trophy wife. Alyssa’s statements of wanting to be part of a power couple come from that resentment, the deep desire to not be that kind of submissive, docile woman.

And then in comes Yui - this godlike woman. Mother. Businesswoman. Charitable. Charismatic. Powerful. Married to an honorable man. Promising everything Alyssa needs - love, validation, adoration, success, belonging. Offering Alyssa a chance to shine, compliments, (fake) love, the potential to become powerful and adored like her. And she idolized Yui, so she took the chance.

It was everything Alyssa needed, on a silver platter … until it wasn’t.

Yui knew exactly how to play her. Manipulated a 14 year old girl just like she does everyone. And by the time Alyssa could see any which way, it's already too late. We can see that she's exhausted. Miserable. Isolated. Always 'on.' Always playing her role. Always on high alert, in survival mode. With Yui over her shoulder, groupmates that hate her, having to be dolled up for everyone she meets, no true allies anymore, being watched and exploited at home, at work, at practice, in the dorms, in public, at events - there is truly not a single place Alyssa feels safe, let alone accepted or loved. And yet she can not leave. She can't stop. They won't let her go now. If she were to stop, she'd have to fail . She has never been allowed to fail. Her life now is miserable, but she sees the price of failure as being even worse.

I think that we're going to see Alyssa continue down a dark path. She's never lived in a reality where it feels okay to be herself. She's pushing so much down and trying so hard to become what other people want her to be so that she may finally fit in. Be loved. Feel like she belongs.

Every one time someone says she's doing great it's like a hit for her, but it's so fleeting. So she has to keep chasing it, because she doesn't know where else to get it. But the more she chases it, the farther and farther down a dark path she goes, running after a torch instead of the sun. And the farther she gets, the harder it is to find an exit. So she has to keep chasing the only light she can see and just hope that it gets her somewhere.

Survival & Safety 

In the case of Alyssa, so many people underestimate the effect that an emotionally volatile upbringing can have on you and how you interact with the world. So many people are choosing to ignore that Alyssa is emotionally neglected and likely abused at home. Shin-Ae feels more like the victim to us because we're seeing the story through her eyes and we know that without money you can't physically live, but the thing Alyssa has lacked all her life, the thing that she needs is to feel like she's accepted and loved. That she, herself, is enough.

At the core of all of her actions, beliefs, choices, is one simple fact - Alyssa feels unsafe.

And even Alyssa’s song - she knows full well that she’s trapped now. The imagery points right to Yui. As Alyssa said, she’s not dumb. The entire time that we’ve known Alyssa, she’s known where she stands with Yui. When she talks about Yui at the formal her eyes are closed. The entire time she’s talking about Yui being charitable, nice for giving Shin-Ae a job, not being where she is today without Yui, wanting a mother like her, wanting to be like her. Her eyes only open again when she says she’d love to be part of a power couple. These are all things that Alyssa likely believed about Yui when she first met her, but has since seen the writing on the wall. The savior she ran to in order to escape her unsafe family life turned out to be even worse. And this is even what leads her to Gun Kim in the recent chapters - in the same way she desperately needed to escape her family, now she desperately needs to escape Yui. But since Alyssa doesn't believe in herself, can't let herself shine enough to brave the world and gain control on her own, she needs someone by her side. Needs to be part of a "power couple." This time it's Gun who comes in, the sparkling savior. Except Alyssa does know better this time, we can see that she's uncomfortable around him, that she knows the sparkles fade. But it’s too late now, and Alyssa just hopes to play the game long enough to gain some of her power back.

"Everything will go to waste I’m trying to find my way back But all these red hues keep me locked in place I can stay captive a bit longer So long as I end up on top"

Alyssa has been playing the game because it's the same game she had to play at home. Keep your head down. Do what they say. That way they won't hurt you as badly.

And when we remember that Alyssa's socioeconomic status is closer to Kousuke's than to Shinae's we can understand even more the implications, because it's not just about Alyssa’s weaknesses. It's about how it reflects on her family. Alyssa and Meg act as parallels to Kousuke and Nol, the golden child and the black sheep. Constantly told to not embarrass the family, don't make them look bad, live up to your potential. Nol and Meg are seen as wildcards, burdens, disappointments, people who do not fit the social mold and make everyone's lives more difficult. So Kousuke and Alyssa feel such intense pressure to fit the mold exactly. To never be out of line. To be someone that lives up to their family name. That brings respect. That doesn't cause trouble.

We see this same concept play out in the juxtaposition between the reaction to the girls’ catching Yui’s eye.

When we think about the parallels of Yui swooping in and "stealing away" both Shin-Ae and Alyssa the biggest difference is that Nol could see Shin-Ae, see how miserable she was even if she didn’t explain it to him. And, even then, the only reason even Shin-Ae ever opened up and leaned on people was because she had to. Because Nol had already seen it. He was able to nudge it out of her after seeing her eviction notice and pile of bills. After seeing her so blatantly miserable at the formal. And once someone had seen her weaknesses and supported her, she gradually was able to build back that trust that she spent so long unable to draw upon. But she didn’t start that by choice, she just chose to continue.

While for Alyssa he can’t see it - so much of her misery has been out of his view, she doesn’t open up and lean on people and is so good at putting on her brave face. The more people know your weaknesses, the more they have to use against you, and Alyssa sees so many weaknesses in herself that she can’t trust anyone. Alyssa has been trained all her life to hide anything negative. Never step out of line. Nol was able to see it in Shin-Ae because she’s easier to read, but nobody can see it in Alyssa because she’s been taught how to hide it. Shin-Ae’s biggest strategy for hiding her state was to avoid people - Alyssa is able to hide in plain sight.

Alyssa is always a strong contrast with Shin-Ae, and we can see it throughout the formal. Something so important to this parallel are cut scenes of Alyssa that foreshadow the recent developments we’ve seen of her with the Hiraharas and the Kims.

Such a theme of the night is how lucky Shin-Ae was that Kousuke and Nol didn't have ill intentions around her and were looking out for her. Everyone was looking out for Shin-Ae that night, but no one was looking out for Alyssa. Even her own parents, the people who above all else are supposed to keep you safe, sold her out to the entertainment industry and never looked back. And, to be fair, we come back to her self-fulfilling prophecy - Alyssa is afraid to be herself because she thinks her true self isn’t worthy of love, so she pushes people away, and then has no one. But, at the same time, Shin-Ae has also been pushing everyone away. Nol has to stalk her to gain her friendship, she coldly and pointedly rejects Dieter, she keeps Maya and Rika at arm’s length, she doesn’t tell anyone (even Min-Hyuk) about her problems with her home and her dad. But the difference between Alyssa and Shin-Ae is, in many ways, how well they hid it. With Shin-Ae it was obvious that she was keeping people at arm’s length because she had been hurt. With Alyssa, she’s keeping people away because she’s afraid, but she’s been taught very well how to keep up appearances, so it looks as though she just doesn’t care, that she’s more concerned with herself and her image and her career. So people leave her alone, while they chase after Shin-Ae. While everyone was off chasing Shin-Ae, Alyssa was alone with the elites - no one looking for her, no one caring where she was.

Alyssa is, at her core, so very alone.

Unreliable Narrators & Nolyssa 

One of the most pointed failings of Nolyssa, especially in comparison to Stalkyoo, is how much Nol and Alyssa really don’t know each other at all, despite being more privy to the details of each other’s lives than almost anyone else. Both of them are in survival mode, putting on masks day after day, not letting each other in, seeing each other as something they are so very not with goals and desires that only scratch the surface. On the one hand, neither of them have really put up a fight, but also the circumstances were against them. They weren't in a position to help each other. They were both kids with needs that weren't met trying their best to survive. Children forced into playing an adult’s game.

Nol and Shin-Ae are both unreliable narrators. Shin-Ae actually acknowledges this, specifically in relation to Alyssa, saying that she only ever has her side of the story. In Nol’s case, he sees Yui for what she is, and wants others to see it, too. But he also believes that everything is his fault, that it all stems from his existence, that Yui may be a villain but it’s because of him, not that Yui does what suits her best. And that makes it so hard for him to even begin to guess that Alyssa sees Yui for something else, that Alyssa fell for Yui’s manipulation for reasons that he couldn’t see and that she realized after what had really happened. That she could praise Yui, focus on her career, devote her time to this game, and be lying about it all. He sees that validation seeker and he didn't see beyond it because she didn't let him see anything more than that. He’s good at being able to tell when people are putting up a facade, but not so much why .

Alyssa is so much more complex than just someone seeking validation, and she is meant to make us sit with complex feelings. Meant to make us figure her out, to see beyond our unreliable narrators. To accept that she is more complex despite how negative her interactions with our two most overtly sympathetic characters are. We are supposed to be clued in to her more than they are, to see those things that none of our narrators can see.

Nol states that she knows how his family makes him feel, but does he know his family makes her feel? How this whole game makes her feel? That she wants off this ride but it's too late and she can't do anything?

Ironically, Nol is being used as Alyssa’s protector, but not in any intentional way. Nol said that he tried to steer Alyssa clear of Yui, but honestly it doesn't seem like he really tried. When Shin-Ae gets the invitation to Kousuke's apartment Nol just says that Yui is a nice lady. I think that Nol tries to save people from Yui by encouraging them to appease her and then wean away from her, thinking that as long as they do what she wants Yui won't hurt them. But obviously that's not how Yui works. And, Alyssa fell right into the trap, just like Shin-Ae.

But, where Nol is protecting her is by being the “boyfriend,” protecting her from the predators around her. Even if it's not much, having Nol as a boyfriend keeps those close to the Hiraharas who may try to take advantage of her just a bit more at bay. They can't step on the Hiraharas’ toes. I especially think that now that we've seen more of Alyssa's world, how she got where she is, and what likely lays ahead for her. And, it honestly works well for Alyssa - Nol is respectful, not interested in her, doesn’t push her, she doesn’t have to do anything to appease him, doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Doesn’t even have to pay attention to him (although she should, if even as just a friend). And I think that Alyssa does know this, and that’s part of why she fought so hard when he did for once express his own needs and desires and tried to break it off. I think that, once Nol is gone, it's basically open season on her, and it's going to be so incredibly hard to watch - that fake relationship is probably the final barrier keeping her in some semblance of safe.

But, the thing is, Alyssa's fate isn't Nol's responsibility. Alyssa does not deserve to be preyed upon, but Nol also doesn't deserve to be trapped and suffocated. We can see how much being in this relationship hurts Nol, suffocates him, how it's keeping him on a one-way path to misery. How, as much as she does not deserve what likely lays ahead for her without Nol, he does not deserve what lays ahead for him with Alyssa.

As much as I defend Alyssa, urging people to understand her complexities as a character, how her choices are born out of her own survival mode, how she is falling back on the methods that she learned from her home life were the only way to survive, how she has never felt safe and that leads directly to the choices she makes and how she feels that she does not have a choice at all - Nol is not the one responsible for her path, her choices. Some combination of Alyssa, the adults who failed her, and the adults who groomed her are responsible.

I mentioned earlier how Alyssa ended up here as a fallout of the Shinlyssa event, and that implicates Nol’s position too - both in relation to Alyssa and to Shin-Ae. If Shinlyssa had survived, Stalkyoo would never have been. All of this growth between Nol and Shin-Ae, chasing that future - it never would have happened. It’s even possible Nol wouldn’t be around anymore. Everything is a chain reaction. Sometimes there is no choice where everyone turns out okay. No matter which way it happened, one of them was going to be in a bad place. Which is the same way things are going with the potential ending of Nolyssa. Either Nol suffers or Alyssa is in danger - there's no scenario where they are both okay.

Shin-Ae is likely going to be a foil to Alyssa, and she may watch and have to understand. To see why Shin-Ae is so capable of being what she isn't. That at the end of the day Shin-Ae was always enough. That Alyssa was always enough. How different things would have been if she could’ve accepted herself and stood in that light. That if she could, people will come along who love her for who she is. That there was so much she couldn't see at that time and now it's too late.

Conclusion 

Despite how easy it is to dislike Alyssa, to to write her off as the validation seeker, the bad friend, the self-serving naïve idol - there is so much more to Alyssa to see. The girl seeking to fill that unmet essential need for unconditional love. The girl who has never felt safe. The girl who was never taught how to handle conflict. The girl who is so afraid of herself that she pushes everyone away. Who hides herself so much that no one knows who she really is. Who’s reputation for herself and her family rides on her back. Who is miserable but sees no way out. Who is trapped by choices she made as a child. Who still makes all the wrong choices because she doesn’t see any other way. Who is just as much a victim, desperately trying to survive, as everyone else.

Now she is trapped in this prison, abused and trafficked No way out in sight No one on her side Only empty love and adoration Chasing artificial light, snuffing her own out from fear of those inner truths, never feeling safe, having to keep going to have any hope of getting out but keeping going being so so bad and likely never going to get her there

Above all else I hope that Alyssa can learn to accept herself. That, even if she realizes it far too late, she can see that was all she ever really needed. Because she can’t have that love that she wants while she’s so afraid, so much in hiding, so fearful of the truths within herself that could be revealed if she stands in the light. The thing about Alyssa is that she pushes genuine people away because of this fear. And therein is her self-fulfilling prophecy, but she makes these choices because she doesn’t know what else to do and ends up further and further trapped. I feel an intense sadness for Alyssa as she, like all of our characters, is in survival mode herself and just trying desperately to fill an unmet need.

And, again, it's not about liking or disliking Alyssa. Absolving or convicting her. It's not that simple. As complex as she is as a person, so is her role in the story, her perception within us. But it's about understanding her - who she is, why she makes her choices, how she got here.

I will reiterate again a point from earlier - the people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters. We are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates the harm, the wrong choices, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

In the words of Hedy - “I’m a very simple, complicated person.”

And that concludes my full length essay about Alyssa and why I have feelings

[silawastaken]

Analysis of the poem Chuuya wrote to Dazai in Chapter 22 of my fic 'the (not so) perfect pair'!!!

Most of this poem(as you may have read in the an) was inspired by my own gf- but here is my little analysis of where various inpiration came from, and what it links back too because I wanted to make this and was told it may be appreciated :D

Sick, angry and jealous.

That's how I feel.

Frequently Chuuya mistakes his positive feelings towards Dazai as anger or annoyance, he kept thinking he was sick instead of embarrassed or flustered

Hot and bothered like you're under my skin, teasing and taunting like nothing has happened.

Like nothing had changed.

He thinks that he can't have been the only one who noticed the slight shift in their dynamic, the more frequent lingering looks, the few times even before Dazai's birthday that they almost kissed, and is infuriated at the lack of recognition in the shift, the way Dazai continues to poke fun at him the same joking way as before.

You have upended my world, changed it and claimed it as your own, and worst?

I can't complain.

I'm sick and nauseous and the reason why is you, but it's adrenaline at the same time, you're like a drug I can't get enough of, killing me while I admire the colour it changes my vision to see.

Chuuya mentioned earlier in the fic, after they fell out that he and Dazai were 'too codependent for their own good', which is what this line is a partial reference too. Dazai has always been around, Dazai has always been a large part of his life, and he's realised how much, and how upset it's making him, and he just doesn't care, because it's Dazai. Regardless of how it hurts, he'd rather hurt than not have Dazai.

To call you a muse would be an understatement, to call you pretty would be demeaning, to say I love you could never encompass the extent to which I care for you.

I want to be with you, forever.

Dazai and Chuuya are both artists. While Chuuya is a poet, and Dazai is a painter, they're each others muses. They have always been able to find the beauty in each other, always cared for each other in a way others didn't understand. So to call him pretty, or say he loves him, wouldn't be enough to accurately portray how he feels.

Forever isn't enough. I could know you for my life and five more and I'd never have enough, there has been a part of me that has known you since before I could know anything else.

This line is a reference to beast T-T Through the entire thing, I've added constant references to canon, in Chuuya's fear of heights because he can't fly, to Dazai's determination he'd be an anti hero. Dazai even tells Chuuya a story which is literally just the main bsd timeline. They've both said, multiple times, that they'd be together in every universe. Because they are, and they know it. They have known each other in every universe, for this life and five more, and they still gravitate towards each other like magnets. Opposites, and stuck together.

If the world doesn't want us, and heaven won't house us, I will keep us here. The sky will rain fire and the ground will grow molten, and we will be here, safe and warm, and alive, this room a haven, safe from the horrors.

Hozier possessed me for a second. No, but there has always been the idea that gay people won't go to heaven. So, 'if the world doesn't want us(general hatred of people) and heaven won't house us(religious stigmatism towards their relationship, or a metaphor for not being allowed a safe and happy place) i will keep us here(Chuuya's bedroom, together, safe)'

The next lines are intended to make a point of the fact they feel safe together. Anything could happen, the world could literally fall apart, and they could sit together in Chuuya's room as it ends and feel at peace. It's supposed to lead on from the previous lines as well, signifying that even if nobody wants them, even if they don't have a place together, Chuuya would make one. He would force the fates into alignment to create a space he and dazai could be together in.

We could float between constellations and carve our names into the stars, we could mold fate to our own design, I could force us together, damn all that tries to block our way.

If nothing will have us, I will still have you.

Again, the same as the previous verse, it's about forcing a place for themselves. 'Even if nothing else works out, as long as you're by my side, it'll be okay' kind of idea. The mention of constellations and stars is a reference to the moment in the overhead tank, the glow in the dark stars on the walls, and the mention of the planetarium.

We can be together, as one, over and over, again and again, universe after universe, you and I, Dazai and Chuuya, the moon and the stars, the planets and the asteroids.

Another beast reference, and a mention of those relationship dynamics, Dazai the moon and Chuuya the stars.

Religion is what I find in you, someone worth being devoted to, I find you in the perfect things, the sun, the rain, music, and art, and nature,

every thing worth living for I can trace back to you, a memory, a daydream, a wish, another sickening urge to keep you here, to preach my love and teach you how to pick out what I see.

More hozier possession, religious metaphors for love are my holy grail, and I love the idea of finding religion in simple or pretty things, and the idea is if you find religion in the pretty things, and to Chuuya, Dazai is the prettiest, he would find it in Dazai first, and Dazai in everything else. He could find Dazai in everything, and find something worth living for. Chuuya is stuck in a situation where he wants to love someone who believes themself incapable of receiving it, and has the idea of teaching him to live himself the way Chuuya loves him, and teach him to 'pick out what i see'.

In my favourite dreams you are there, in our kitchen with the sun coming through the windows, in our garden teaching our kid to pick out plants, every time we are together, we are one.

For a few chapters, it's been a theme for Dazai and Chuuya to both realise how badly they just want to live, together, peacefully. A house and a cat and a kid, an opportunity to be people, together, and happy. These domestic dreams are Chuuya's favourite, and he can't have one that doesn't include Dazai. He can't imagine a life without him.

If I have to settle as a friend, if I have to watch from afar, I will. But I love you.

Since we were kids hiding behind trees, to the day I stop breathing.

I love you.

Forever.

Again, forever. Another reference to that fact that in every universe they meet. They're always together. They're soulmates in the truest sense. And Chuuya loves Dazai so much, that if the only way they can be together in this world, is if they're only friends, he'll happily oblige. He just wants to be able to watch him be happy.

'Since we were kids hiding behind trees' is a reference to the new years eve flashback, the moment they kissed as kids, and Dazai realised he loved Chuuya.

This poem was so fun to write, and I was actually going feral over it, so I hope you appreciate the more in depth explanation, and some of the references. Hozier and mitski just do something man- don't write poetry listening to pink in the night you'll end up with this. ANYWAY thank you for reading :3

[paradoxcase]

John 1:20

THE TOWER HAS BEEN REACTIVAT

No surprises there.

I mean, isn't this basically the same conclusion they already came to like several John chapters ago, when Augustine was questioning whether the FTL even existed? (Although, apparently actual FTL really happens at the end of this chapter, I guess it actually was real? Why does it make no appearance in the rest of these books? If this other FTL technology exists, why did BOE work so hard to get a ship with a stele and a necromancer to operate it?) Anyway, this doesn't feel like a new or exciting conclusion to come to

I don't feel like this story has done a good job of explaining why this has to be done, or even why John and co. think it has to be done. Is it because they're leaving in the ships that were intended for the cryo project? I'm sure they can build more of those, it's just money and engineering, and even if all the trillionaires leave, there's still a lot of governments with a lot of money out there who would probably be willing to fund the cryo project when John turns out to be right about trillionaires after they've left and there's no one left to defend them and talk about the secret lives of cows. I mean, as long as he doesn't start doing stupid and crazy shit and causing a nuclear holocaust. Who cares if the trillionaires leave? I feel like the point of these chapters is to explain why John did what he did, but I don't think this explanation makes a lot of sense. This is not moving me as a supervillain origin story

So, according to the UN, world population will not reach ten billion until 2058. I calculated earlier that John can't be born later than 1998 and still be old enough to realistically attend the Parachute music festival, so are we meant to believe that John is 60 years old here?

If I had a nickel for every time someone had their arm cut off and then regrown in this story, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

Also, thanks for not making this one a sex scene, I think I've already heard more than I wanted to about John's sex life

Presumably this is needed for something resurrection-related, I guess it's so that when the suitcase nuke explodes he can grow a whole new G1deon again from the arm, like a starfish. So presumably John would have had no trouble growing Ianthe a new arm that worked as her arm, if she had asked him. I went back to see where Ianthe's first problematic arm had come from, but all I can find is that she denies that either John or Mercy was responsible for it. Did she make it herself? I can't remember

Ok, but six paragraphs earlier Pyrrha is being mad that G1deon won't arm the nuke if she comes with him. Did Pyrrha know, or not?

I mean, I hate to say it, but you were right there with all of the others when John was like, we have to stop the trillionaires from escaping, that's the absolute more important thing to be doing right now, and exactly zero of you said, no John, that's not actually the most important thing to be doing right now

Why did Cristabel decide that right now was the best time for John to figure out how souls work? There's this whole side narrative about John working out how souls work, but it doesn't really feel tied to the rest of the story about the trillionaires and the cryo project

I think I see. As established at the beginning of Harrow the Ninth, a living planet's soul is like the collective thalergy of everything that lives on the planet, so I guess it's kind of a gestalt oversoul, where every individual living soul on the planet is part of it? So when a planet is dead, then by definition everything else on it is also dead, since otherwise there would still be a living planet soul of some sort. The fact that John wasn't able to control individual human souls here while Alecto was still alive sort of implies that resurrection, and maybe most kinds of soul magic, are actually impossible on a living planet, if even John can't distinguish between human souls and the planet soul in that context. I guess that means that that kind of stuff would only be possible on an undead planet in the Nine Houses

No, I think that's totally fair, actually

I feel like this is important. Everyone else was killed by someone else. Like, John was 100% responsible for all of this mess, but he didn't actually pull the trigger to kill anyone else, and until this point he still has some plausible deniability, like he was just trying to stop the trillionaires, and he never intended to set off any nukes or kill anyone, he was just stressed and being a bit dumb. But he specifically kills G1deon, who is clearly his most loyal supporter. Like, I think he probably could have talked to G1deon over the phone at this point and been like, hey new plan, we're actually going to let the nuke go off and kill a million people so I can gain godlike power, don't worry I'm gonna figure out how to bring you back to life again using your arm, and I honestly think there's a solid chance that G1deon would have been like, sure thing boss, see you when it's all over. Then it would have been like, consensual, I guess? But he doesn't even do that. He just kills him. Obviously John has just killed people before at this point, and he would also be just killing another million people, but I think it's sort of different for John to just kill a bunch of cops or the population of Melbourne that he doesn't know at all, versus to just kill someone like G1deon, who he's known all his life and is somehow impossibly loyal to him

I'm not feeling this metaphor

Well, that's extremely biblical

So this means that the only reason Alecto survived this in a way that the other cavaliers didn't was because John couldn't entirely consume her soul, or thought he couldn't. And I guess he just decided it was too complicated to figure out how to do this with a human soul, and a necromancer who doesn't have all that power at hand at that moment?

So this is what Hollywood Hair Barbie looks like, apparently:

Maybe it's just the angle of the photo, but she doesn't seem to have quite as freakish proportions as the barbies I grew up with, which is good. For a moment I was imagining 8-foot-tall Alecto who is 75% legs and it was terrifying

What is the "shaman" a reference to, here?

So ultimately, John's powers came from Alecto originally, when she was still alive as the soul of Earth - it's implied throughout the story that necromancy comes from exposure to thanergy, but this obviously wasn't the case for John's specific flavor of necromancy, but he is definitely making use of thanergy to do what he does. So why did Alecto have the ability to give someone necromancy powers, that make use of death energy, rather than say, something the primarily makes use of life energy/thalergy which would probably be more useful and not incentivize killing ten billion people to gain more power?

[tollingreminiscentbells]

I have . . . a lot of comments to reply to. I was traveling all week and actually got home at 21:00 last night, then posted the final chapter of All changed and went to bed. I will be replying to comments, but that's a project in and of itself and will take a minute. Please don't take that to mean it's some kind of chore—replying to comments is part of this for me because fandom is a community.

But I have some thoughts and feelings that I am going to put under a cut because I don't want to ruin anything for someone who hasn't read but might.

For a story I didn't exactly intend to write, it ended up being some of the best writing I've done in years. I initially took RadioApple for a fling, right up until I got overly invested in Lucifer's characterization. I'm not here to criticize or bash. Write the stories and make the art that give you joy, and never apologize for it.

But a lot of people write Lucifer too soft, and a little too human, for my taste. I want Lucifer the devil, ancient and eternal. He's a tragic figure in the literary sense—the architect of his own downfall. He has always believed that he knows best, and he destroyed himself (with a lot of collateral damage) in his crusade to be right. But he is trying to be better. Still callous, still selfish, still a fucked-up hypocrite, but trying.

Then there's Alastor the violent sinner who has proudly earned his eternal damnation. I lovingly call him Lucifer's cringe-fail loser second wife because he thinks he's hot shit and then almost gets himself killed more than once by way of his own hubris. Alastor has never been in love before and he struggles with it, with how to love someone and be loved, but he's trying, too.

I also just really wanted to write an asexual romance. I'm asexual, but open to sex, and that is how I write Alastor. His reasons and specific desires and how he thinks about and engages with Lucifer sexually. It isn't an aside or an obstacle, he doesn't suddenly start experiencing sexual attraction, it's just a facet of their relationship. They have an active sex life, but Lucifer still isn't the One Special Exception to Alastor's asexuality (I hate that).

And it's all to get to the love confession sequence in Transformed Utterly. Starting with Alastor's semi-lucid rambling, through Lucifer showing him his true form and the closest thing Alastor has ever had to a religious experience. His moment of seeing the mosaic in its entirety, for the first time. Their shared moment of intense intimacy, just being honest with each other, no defensiveness or affectation. It took, I don't know, maybe 87,000 words to get there, but it's the title—"all changed, changed utterly: a terrible beauty is born."

I write a very specific flavor of RadioApple. Next up is A Momentary Radiance, my Southern Gothic. Which, much like A Terrible Beauty, fits into a canon-adjacent AU timeline. It's a different genre, but in the "Alastor meets Lucifer before he dies" sub-category, so if you like my Lucifer, my Alastor, and my RadioApple, I like to think it will work for you. There will also be a few All changed side stories, at least one of which is going to be very unserious. Look, I think I'm funny and I'm going to subject all of you to it. That's just the cost of admission.

But the real point, in the end, is that I cherish everyone who came along on the journey. If you have questions, if there's something you want to know, my inbox is always open. I will be delighted to answer you, though fair warning: the answer might be a mystique-destroying "I don't know, it sounded good at the time."

💜