#this like 100% stems from issues I had living with my parents lol but i just wanna be comfortable in shared living spaces!!

[theclearblue]

2024 resolution is to spend more time in my living room/kitchen and get over my fear of being Percieved by the people I live with.

[littlemessyjessi]

Sirius Black Name Headcanons: “Black Ice” Story Edition: Sirius Black x Juniper Potter

A/N: Hello, lovelies! Since I wrapped up the Siri and Juni story but I had several people ask for more SirixJuni, I figured we’d do a little bit of this.  Still them but not necessarily another chappie, lol.  Hope you enjoy! 

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S: Smile 

Everyone see Sirius’ infamous smirk but there are a fair few that actually see a genuine smile from him.  However, one tried and true way to get him to smile is to just have him near when the Potter siblings start their bickering.  He can’t help but laugh at James and Juni’s squabbling. 

I: Idolized

Admittedly, he idolizes the Potters.   He thinks they are the perfect family.  They’re not of course because that’s an impossible concept.  They have flaws like anyone else.  But to Sirius, their pros far outweigh the cons.  He’s hopelessly in love with Juni and James is his best mate.  The Potters took him in when he had no where else to go.  He honestly believes that the best thing that could ever happen to him would be marrying Juniper.  For obvious reasons, of course but also because the Potters would be his in laws.  He’s even seriously considered taking June’s last name instead of her taking his.  

R: Rad

He literally thinks Juniper is the coolest person he’s ever met.   Much to James’ dismay.  Juni is just a total badass to him.   He knows that she loves him but he also knows that whether she has a man or not has no baring on what she’ll do.   If he’s down for the ride, then great.  She’s there to share both of their victories and help each other through hardships.  But if he knows that he were ever to step to her in a “you have to choose’ manner... he’d be fucking up.  Juniper takes no shit and he fucking loves that about her.  

I: Identical

He is 100% that boyfriend who will match his girlfriend. Ya’ll think I’m playing.  He’s always stealing Juniper’s Ravenclaw jumpers.  Always goes full on when she competes.  Is 100% that boyfriend with his chest painted to match her costumes.    

U: Unconditional

His love for the Potters is abundant and unconditional.  Monty and Mia are the best parents he could ask for.  James is his best mate.  His brother.   And Juniper is the love of his life.  

S: Social

This bit is funny because when he was with his birth family he wasn’t very social at all.  But at Hogwarts and at the Potters- he’s the life of the party. Because he’s comfortable.  And he’s comfortable because he feels safe.  

O: Obedient

For all his rebellious nature, Sirius really is a good guy.  Also, he’d rather die than admit it but he does like being called a good boy.  It’s likely something that stems from childhood trauma and it’s all usually tied to his animagus form with the Marauders but even so.   However, if his temper gets the best of him and Juni just rubs her hand across his stomach and says some shit to him like, “Down, boy.”  Lol, it’s on.   Get’s him really riled up.  And that cheeky witch will wink at him and say some shit like, “Be a good boy and I’ll give you a treat later.”  James nearly vomits and of course bickering always ensues.  

R: Razor Sharp

Nothing gets him going like watching Juni basically cut someone to ribbons with her quick wit.  This boy, lol.  His ass be over there smirking and checking her out.  Just look at her like- what else that mouth do? He said it to her once and she sassed him to his actual knees.  He’d never been so smitten.  

I: Impish

Speaking of, he will pick a fight with Juniper sometimes just for attention when she gets too busy with school or skating. She’ll be ready to murder him and then she’ll realize and she just gives him cuddles.  It’s all.

“Oh, I’m sorry, baby.  I didn’t mean to ignore you.” 

“It’s ok, princess. All if forgiven when cuddles are given. I’m sorry for picking a fight.” 

“I know, babyboy.  I got you.” 

The boy fucking turns to goo. 

O: Open Minded

They’re honestly a pretty open minded couple.  They’re willing to try just about anything with each other.  The only thing Sirius will NOT do is impact.  The thought of ever putting his hands on Juniper like that has literally caused him to have a panic attack.  He just can’t.  He’s told her that he was ok with her doing it to him.  He was used to that.  That had been a red flag and they worked through some of his unresolved issues after that.  Eventually, they just decided that maybe that type of thing just wasn’t for them.  

N: Nourishment

He literally melts every time Juni asks if he’s eaten.   Juniper wil give him all the attention he wants.  All the kisses and cuddles that this sweet touch deprived boy clearly needs and she’s all too happy to do so.  But he knows that her love language is actions.  Like making sure he’s eaten.  Fixing his morning cup of tea.  Placing the jam on his toast for him.  Giving him copies of her exquisite notes- as well as enough for the rest of the boys after a full moon when she knows they’re all feeling rough.  Her teling him to let her know whenever he gets where he’s going so that she knows he got there safely.  Juni tells him that she loves him every day but she SHOWS him every second. 

B: Baby

Sirius melts when she calls him Baby.  He is baby.   So shut it.  But she probably calls him Baby more than she actually says his name.  And when she does call him by his name he is so offended.  He just pouts.  “I’m not Sirius. I’m Baby.”  “Ok, baby, whatever.”  “That’s better.” 

L: Lucky

There are times when he literally can’t believe that she’s with him.  He just can’t fathom how he got so lucky.  

A: Abandonment Issues

To expand on that, he is literally scared to death of losing her.  All of his friends.  Certainly the Potters.  But he worries about fucking things up with Juniper a lot.  Like ALOT. To a point, that she’ll catch him trying to be perfect and basically walking on eggshells.  

C: Cupid

She’ll remind him that she’s smitten with him and that she loves him endlessly.  Wild horses couldn’t tear them apart.  On those days, the two of them just cuddle in bed for the longest time. 

K: Kinfolk

Sirius NEVER wants Juniper to meet his parents.  It’s already enough that she tutors Regulus and they got to school with his cousins.  He doesn’t want Orion and Walburga Black anywhere near his princess. 

BONUS: Padfoot Nickname Headcanons

P: Princess

Speaking of, while Sirius is obviously Baby- Juniper is Princess.  I mean, he thinks she’s a Queen.  A goddess.  A fucking gift from the heavens.  An angel.  He worships the ground she walks on.  That’s his precious sweet baby princess, lol.  Also, she looks like a princess in her skating gear and he’s all too happy to be the court jester who keeps her smiling.  

A: Adorable

His favorite thing in the world is Juniper in the morning.  Half asleep.  Hair a mess.  Still not awake. In desperate need of caffeine. Plus she’s clingy when she’s sleepy and he LIVES FOR IT! 

D: Drama Queen

His is a drama queen.  100% no getting around that.  There are definitely times when things get out of hand and he blows thing out of proportion I.e.- her skating partner. 

F: Flirt

Sirius made the mistake only one time of accusing her of cheating on him by flirting with her skating partner.  She let him know that sh eloved him but if he EVER accused her of something like that again that he’d no longer have to worry about it because she’d be gone forever.  She forgave him.  They moved on. 

O: Obscene

However, that does not mean that Sirius makes any mistakes about making it known that they’re together.   He will scream Juniper’s name in bed until he literally has detention.  Fuck it.  Worth it. 

O: Obsessive

To further this, he literally charmed his leather jacket to proudly display “Proud Property of Juniper Potter” .  Additionally, he got her a matching one that said, “Sirius Blacks’ Princess”  James gagged.  

T: Temper

He only really lost his temper with her once.  Bellatrix had hexed him and Juni decided she’d had enough.  She literally challenged Bella to a duel and cast a sheild around them so that they couldn’t be interrupted.  Bella cheated, of course, and seriously hurt Juni.  But Juni was clearly the better of them and demolished her. 

Sirius had screamed at her for that. 

“You could’ve died! She could’ve killed you!” 

“I was in no danger.  I was prepared.” 

“Well, I wasn’t and I never will be! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” 

“Sirius, I’m fine.” 

“Well, I’m not.  I can’t lose you.” 

She just held him.

“And one more thing.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Don’t call me Sirius.  I’m Baby.”  

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Hello, loves!!! I hope you enjoyed this and if you want to see more things from Sirius and Juni, just please hit me up the ask box or drop a comment! 

All my love darlings!

Kenny

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Love, Kenny

[kleiner2296-blog]

My truth:

Last year, I literally had the hardest year of my life. In the midst of all the happy events going on (wedding, honeymoon, family trips, a newborn/infant), there was always this lingering cloud of sadness and emptiness. I was so far in my head, I just couldn’t get out. It was a time where breathing felt like a chore- where most days I would lay around and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. Being a stay at home mom benefitted my depression in many ways. It was easy to put on a facade of a “put together mom, and wife”. Most days, my dishes went unwashed, laundry piled up, and the house went awry. Carter was always taken care of for sure, but some days it was so bad, I’d hand him my phone to play with just so I could stay in our dark room, lay around and sleep. Of course it was my anxiety that pulled through whenever someone had to come over. I was obsessive over what people thought of me, and sometimes the judgement that came with it- even if it meant just shoving everything into a closet for the time being. It was only then, that it was easy to just hurridly clean up and make my life seem so picture perfect.

On top of that, without going into any details, my marriage was just a bit rocky, and most of it (in my opinion) was stemming from my irritability and anger/bitterness. There has been so much resentment from many many things that have eaten at me for a long time in my personal life as a whole, and it was an easy target to put onto my husband, and it was unfair to him. I will probably be forever saddened by my behaviors and my choices to act on my emotion so carelessly. But, i’m happy to say that we are 110% again and most of that burden/trauma has been slowly lifted 🙂

I was diagnosed with PPD (For those that don’t know, it stands for Post-partum depression) later in 2016 around november/december if I remember correctly (Sounds crazy but a lot of 2016-2017 is literally a blur- which i would assume just happens with depression???) amongst my already existing anxiety panic disorder. I have had anxiety since I was pretty young, and was first diagnosed at age 16 where I was shipped off to a therapist to “help me”.

I had so much guilt from my failure of breastfeeding and so much stress on my plate from carter’s slow weight gain (Which now I understand he is small because those are his genetics lol... although sometimes it still gets to me). I was angry because it was always me up at night and all day while carter fought sleep (Rightfully so! Cj pays the bills and works very very hard!! we love him! He’s a FANTASTIC father and husband!!!) and the lack of sleep, plus crazy crazy amounts of insomnia stemming from my anxiety, were literally making me obsessive and paranoid for no reason about dumb things. One of my biggest anxiety triggers is time, and so every night i would obsess over how many hours i had to fall asleep and then panic when i wouldn’t fall asleep by that hour, and then repeat, until it was too late to even get a healthy amount of sleep. Unfortunately I took it out on a lot of people over simple small minded things. And if you’re reading this, and that possibly applies to you, I am sorry. I am not proud of how my behavior was during 2016-2017, but please know, that although it’s not an excuse, it also wasn’t completely in my control. 

***An example of how bad my anxiety got at one point: I was flying home to visit my parents and carter was just switched to Almond milk/soy milk because he couldn’t have dairy, and I literally went into a full blown panic over how I was going to get him almond milk in the airport/how i was going to feed my child just to get to where I was going. I almost considered canceling my flight over such a silly thing. I obsessed over it for days, throwing myself into a pit of fear that literally swallowed me whole- at that point I called my mom and just broke down- full blown panic on the phone over it. She walked me off the ledge and we came up with a game plan. I’m so grateful my mom understands how bad it can get for me... and over the dumbest things. Mom, if you are reading this, I pray you know how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am for you<3.***

April-June was a pretty scary time, looking back. I was drinking more often than I should have been to cope with my feelings or “lack of” feelings. Not crazy amounts, but enough to raise concern from my husband. I like to have an occasional glass of wine and have a few drinks here or there, but this was really different for me.

My bachelorette party, I got absolutely wasted and ended up having a major panic attack about what a shitty mom I was, right in the club we were in. I’m sure some of it was honestly me feeling typical “mom guilt” for just enjoying myself, but hearing some friends talk about that incident is a pretty sad thing for me. Although it’s easy to laugh about on the outside, parts of me knows how deep that was and how dark of a time it was, internally. I almost feel like it was a cry for help, but came out just as any new mom feeling guilty for “going out” even though I knew it was more than “going out”. It was an escape from reality.

Around March or so 2018, I started to feel like I had just a bit better grip on my anxiety. I was able to relax a lot with carter- even allow myself to let go enough for him to stay the night at someone else’s home. That was a big victory for me. My depression, however wasn’t getting better. I called my doctor and asked if there was any way to help me. She ended up revealing that my Mirena was probably the cause of most of my emotions. This was upsetting because I have an anxiety diagnosis in my medical history so knowing that, my midwife should have mentioned that there was a strong possibility of heightened anxiety and depression. She prescribed me birth control pills to take ALONGSIDE my mirena. So now, at this point, I was on some form of progesterone and the estrogen provided by mirena. Talk about hormone overload.

So a little more background info.... My insecurities started really taking a hit on my mental health as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that i’m just a vain girl. It’s who I am and I am okay with that. I’m in a vain industry, as a cosmetologist! Oh well! So with my mirena causing a lot of these mental health issues, my face also started breaking out even more due to the levels of estrogen it had. **Currently, my face hasn’t gotten a ton better, but enough for me to start to see the light. Sounds silly, but my acne was also a strong contributing factor of my depression at the time.**

The birth control pills my midwife prescribed were also supposed to help that issue as well. I gave them a shot, and unfortunately they didn’t help much. I have a nurse who comes to see me every 2 weeks to check on carter and answer questions I have or give me info about being a mom (I found this program through WIC, and have seen my nurse since I was pregnant every 2 weeks!! Highly recommend!!), and she and I discussed my options. After another panic attack during one of our visits together, she urged me to get some help, and we decided that taking my mirena out was probably what was best.

But here we go... *cue adulting problems*. We didn’t have insurance that covered the removal of my IUD. It was going to cost $400. So I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up- I mean, depression/anxiety is nothing when you live with it for a long time, right? I kept that mirena in until June 2018. We finally got advice from a family friend, and she recommended her doctors office who went above and beyond to make sure that my insurance would cover it. I got it removed!! I shit you not, yall. THE SECOND that mirena was pulled out, (NO EXAGGERATION), that cloud that had been hovering over me for so long, started dispersing- poof. just like that, i felt 100 times better. 

This leads me to where I am now. Sitting here, typing this long story. I pray that, even though I am willingly putting my truth out there on the interwebs, judgement won’t be too harsh, and that there’s someone who may get something out of this. One day, I want to look back on this blog, and see how far I have come. I want to live a better life, I want to beat my mental illness(es). I want to be better than I was the day before, and I want to feel immense love and satisfaction with myself. 

To the future Vannessa:

You are worthy. 

You are stronger than your illnesses.

You are resilient.

You are happy. 

YOU ARE FREE. 

P.S. This is a picture of my tattoo! Seratonin symbol that represents anxiety and depression

[writemonkeywrite]

1

Content Warning: Depression, Trauma.

Recently i was hit with a sudden wave of sadness that i had a lot of trouble figuring out. I could not really find the source until i found the root of what was upsetting me. back in middle school my parents got really interested in buying, renovating, then renting/selling houses. This was completely fine except for the fact that the people working to fix these houses was my dad, occasionally my mom, and 11 year old me. The language barrier between my dad and i was apparent, however we were still able to talk and hold enough of a conversation to get us through the day. At that point, i never really knew how aggressive and toxic our relationship would become, i was just happy to help. Things started to take a turn for the worse as with every passing day, my dad would expect more and more from me. With a higher expectation and the fact that my dad is shit at explaining things, things went south very fast. Helping went from fun to terrifying, with failure to do things such as “move 100 lb of rocks from the front yard to the back. Fail to put it exactly where i want it or fail to do it within an hour and you’re getting treated like absolute dogshit. This type of treatment kept on for years and eventually got to the point where I would refuse to talk to my dad, as not only would my day be constantly full of working with zero breaks for lunch, i was also treated as lazy and worthless for not completing/failing any tasks. All of this added up to one hot summer day. We were working on a house, i was around 14 at the time. I was moving large rocks from one part of the house to another while in the background all i heard were people having fun and playing in the local pool nearby. Although i would often beg to go or have an off day where i could have fun with the admittedly small friend group i had. these off days were something that i never saw come. As the years went on i managed to develop a moderate anxiety disorder, with suspicions of depression apparent, but not diagnosed (so we will not mention it until it is confirmed.) Due to poor treatment, constant abuse and neglect, and not gonna lie probably some asbestos too (we never wore protective equipment.) When first starting high school, i also enrolled in dual credit college courses in order to receive my associates as well as my diploma in 2020. However, with the poor treatment and amount of work often given to me not only in school but at home, i secretly dropped my courses without telling my parents, as they refused to let me leave saying “you have enough time in the day” as they always did. At this point i would often have crazy and sudden waves of sadness and anxiety when i would least expect it, something that even to this day i deal with. as i have gotten older i became more assertive. Although becoming more assertive with my parents was a step in the right direction, the reason as to why was much more depressing than what others might think. During this new phase of becoming more assertive, i was at some of my lowest lows yet. I did not care if i was kicked out of the house, or banned from using technology forever because at that point in time i had to real will to live. I would often search online to connect with people feeling the same way. I knew that if i did not do anything nothing would change. at the ripe age of 15 i was ready to force my way into a new life whether that resulted in me ending my life or seeing progress towards those i lived with. I remember talking to my mom more and more about how i felt and how i believed i was being treated poorly. which would often prompt my dad to start many of his insults with “and go tell your mom if you want i don't care” or “and don't go telling your mom this shit you fucking pussy.” Fast forward five more years and nothing has really changed. After i turned 18 my parents obsessed over wanting me to stay home instead of moving into an apartment. After almost a decade of using me they did not want to let me go. I used this leverage in order to stop them from using me as free labor. Which unfortunately meant my younger brother was now in my former footsteps. I never really thought of it back then but its something that genuinely pains me nowadays. Seeing the happiness in his life drain away and becoming similar to I am. Unfortunately my parents aren't the best teachers either. My younger brothers life is now only encompassed in video games, as he often has no other outlet to enjoy himself. and although its not the same for my younger sister yet; she's already feeling the effects of this as well. This part really does have me crying. I have two younger sisters. The older of the two is set to turn 13 this year, and i can tell she still has that glimmer of excitement for life. The same glimmer my brother and i once had. Anytime i go to work even if i had a fight with her the night before she always tells me “goodmorning” in a cheerful voice or would always like to strike up a conversation with me because i am one of the few people she actually talks to often. She has a spirit like no other, its something i envy in her actually. Despite her issues with tempter, she is an amazing person. However, i have noticed when i am not around or talking with people, she is often left alone or ignored. I often see her sitting on the couch on her school laptop or on her smartphone on youtube. She loves playing a new game i recently bought her, just dance 2021. Here is where my issue really does arise. After all those years i still have trouble being able to even talk to others, or go out and do things. My sister often BEGS me to play with her but i don't know what in me refuses or makes me not want to play with her but its something that has seriously made me start feeling like absolute shit. I often hear her playing alone. One time i heard her crying to my mom asking why neither i nor my brother like playing with her. I do not blame her though, its something that even I regret. I don’t want my sister to end up like me. I don’t want my sister to end up like my younger brother. Even today, a few weeks from turning 19, I am afraid. I am angry. I am sad. I am scared. I really do not have another outlet to talk to except this empty page. It’s like screaming into a void really. Life truly is fun when the closest lgbt friendly therapist is over a hundred miles away, and much of your bad memories stem from the religious attributes of your area. Even as i'm writing this i really wish i could just stop. I can’t really say it more obvious than the following sentence. If it wasn't for my siblings, my mom, and my friends, i would probably be six feet in the grave, or in a ditch lol. Although this made me feel like even more shit, i am glad i wrote. I hope the future is as bright as the rising sun, because that’s all i want. I just want to be happy again.

Love you all,

pasdecerveau

[thegracegatsby]

this post is all over the place but here’s a super long update if you care lmao 

So it’s officially been one month since i’ve been on this marketing internship in Prague which is basically working a full time marketing job without the pay (duh, Grace) lol I really thought I was going to be filing papers and going on coffee runs, but nope this is the real deal. I didn’t even get a day to fix my jetlag nor was I eased into the job. The day after I arrived I had 15 minutes to learn about all the projects everyone was working on, got acquainted with the office and the other interns, then started on all my tasks. To give you an idea of what I’ve been up to, my first week here I had to think of several marketing ideas for a local company and had to present them to the owner. The Stress and nerves had me on bed rest that weekend ngl lol. The owner loved the presentation, but I couldn’t help but be so hard on myself. I felt so underprepared I didn’t expect to be thrown into the field at full speed. I literally felt like the Mr. Krabs meme. I was shookington. I thought college and a regular part time job was hectic, but wow I was not prepared for job that required 110% of my time and mind. What I mean by that is I was/am technically working on four different projects and each of them need to be unique aka I can’t repeat ideas. I learned to trust myself and just trust that if I did my best…. it would just had to be enough. I can only learn from my mistakes and find a way to improve myself every day. Those “do one thing to be better than yesterday” quotes were always cute, but they have been extremely relevant this summer. That’s been such an important lesson and habit. Some other things I was up to is sometimes the company gets invited to special private events so so far I’ve attended two events. The first one being some networking event with a panel so different CEO’s discussed the future of tech & marketing and answered questions, then another event where the communications director of Manolo (shoe goals) spoke on the brand. Even got to meet her she was so sweet! Last week I got sent on my first official business trip to Poland to meet with different Korean companies at an expo! I had to basically see and negotiate potential products to market in the US and Latin America. Crazy. I loved every second of it. I’ve been meaning to write for a few weeks now so my thoughts are probably a little all over the place, but now is when I feel like I finally have the time and energy to sit down and catch up on a blog even if no one reads this lmaoo. It’s wild how a month and a half ago I left my job at the bank with a heavy heart and had my summer classes get cancelled/wasn’t able to register for any new one’s since they were all full. I was so close to doing nothing all summer except go job hunting again so this trip was such a blessing. It’s super challenging I’m not gonna lie. I feel like I’ve grown so much from being here. I’ve had to get out of my comfort zone in every single sense of the word. I’ve had to depend on myself mentally and emotionally in different ways than I’ve had to back home. I know this sounds super dramatic lol, but honestly this is the first time I’ve been away from my home, family, friends, city, for more than two weeks. Taking such a huge step without my family around has been difficult. It’s how I imagine it would have been like if I moved away for college. I’m going through “real life with training wheels” because I’m staying with family here so I’m not 100% on my own, but that’s the farthest thing from perfect. Like.. my extended family is going through some hell shit and I feel like I’m in the middle of it so I can’t escape it. I guess that’s where my desperate homesickness comes from. I was SO ready to go home I even asked if I could book a flight after TWO weeks of being here. That’s how desperate I was to go back home. I never talk about my personal life, but I will say that my actual home life, thankfully, is healthy. No relationship/family is perfect don’t get it twisted, but my parents learned from the mistakes of their families/friends and tried very hard to raise my sibling and I in a peaceful home. Don’t take this as the “I’m the best because my parents don’t hate each other can’t relate sweetie (: just be happy and drink tea” way because that’s not what I’m saying at all lol. Sadly, toxic families are everywhere, but reading/hearing about a household that is going through a nasty divorce with unhealthy drama happening every single day is completely different than actually experiencing/witnessing it with my own two naked eye balls. Especially from my own relative. I know this makes me sound immature or naive or whatever, but I mean… I’ve never lived anywhere else so I never knew anything other than my own family dynamic ya know? My empathy for children and teenagers who have to go through what I’ve been seeing on a daily basis has grown so much. Again, this isn’t a show off way of me saying “my life is semi-perfect” (no one’s is) I’m literally saying the change has helped me understand and appreciate the importance of a healthy home so much which… isn’t a bad thing. I’d rather learn this now seeing it from afar than with regret later on in my life. I’m genuinely so heartbroken and empathetic for every single person going through this much toxicity especially my own cousin who will have to grow up with the issues her parents are making alone. The biggest takeaway is I know what the fuck NOT to tolerate in relationships. If I thought my tolerance was low, now it’s even lower I’m not putting up with any bullshit ever wow. Now none of this would matter if I only got to work then go home and mind my business, but nah it’s not like that. An argument happened? Guess who gets some insults and bad attitude. Me. Since why did my extended family think it’s okay to disrespect and insult me for everything??? Don’t even get me started on the side comments about my weight :)) All I do is try to stay hydrated and mind my business! lmaofdnsfds. I guess that’s where the mental and emotional challenge comes from. I’ve never been a super emotional person literally the last time I cried from emotion was the day of the musical in high school because I messed up on stage and was super embarrassed. That was literally 4 years ago in April. I’ve had like two mental breakdowns already not including the countless times I’ve had to calm myself down, do some breathing exercises, and mentally try to disconnect from the fuckery. The hardest times being when I’m in public. I NEVER talk back tho which is weird because I hardly ever bite my tongue I’m quick to defend myself, but deep down I know the aggression stems from all these problems.. plus I try to tell myself it’s not that deep and I’m leaving in less than a month. I know I won’t have to deal with this ever ever again. Also honestly staying quiet gets everyone on my side because people see the way I’m spoken to and are like “wtf ignore it you’re doing great”. Lol I wish I could go into more detail because there is SO much tea I can spill, but for privacy (and maybe legal idk?) reasons I’m going to stay quiet. Another intern who started seeing the verbal abuse asked me about everything so I confided in her about all the drama and she’s like “wooow everything makes sense things were worse when before you got here” kjndvdf we were super tight it was so great :’) but she left and everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Honestly, everyone I work/have worked with have been so great. I only got close with like two or three tho but still everyone is so nice lol. So yeah even though the work experience here is amazing and something I will value for the rest of my life, the home life aspect is fucked up. I’m even trying to convince my parents to sell this plot to Lifetime lmao it’s THAT dramatic. *sigh* Some other news is I was supposed to be in Spain right now. I literally Uber’ed myself and my grandmother all the way to the airport yesterday morning, show up to the check-in counter with a smile and bags in hand just so they could tell me “Sorry, you don’t show up on our system” to my face. I’ve never had an issue with my flight so the room was spinning a lil and was low key panicking because 1. English isn’t anyone’s first language here 2. I was abroad and had no idea what to do because I didn’t even make the reservation so I had to call two different airlines and try to resolve the MESS, but nothing was resolved they fucked up my booking from the beginning so only my return flight was paid for not the departure :) so after easily deciding I was NOT going to pay $580 for a one-way outbound ticket, I had to quickly figure out my next move. (PRO TIP: ALWAYS BOOK DIRECTLY WITH COMPANIES THEY’LL WORK WITH YOU AND REFUND YOU IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG. EVEN IF YOU SEE A CHEAPER PRICE ON ONE OF THOSE TRAVEL SITES SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY’LL PRICE MATCH YOU AND EVEN GIVE YOU DIFFERENT FLIGHT ACCOMMODATIONS LIKE CHANGING LAYOVER FLIGHTS IT’S MAGICAL). Everyone I’m living with went to Spain the day before, so after bending over backwards to try and get the house key from my grandmother who already passed through security (she couldn’t wait for me bc the guy at security had 5 min to wheelchair her to her gate), I found a way to contact her (a blessing bc if not I would have had to stay at a hotel or something) and had her hand me the keys back to our place. I didn’t have the patience to take a bus back to the city so I paid the extra fare to Uber back home. The weird part is I’m not even mad. After calling the airlines, contacting my parents, contacting my family already in Spain that I wouldn’t be going, I was just… chilling. Got some groceries and I’ve been living la vida loca just eating and watching netflix lol. Sure, I wanted to go see a new country and even try to see the town my great grandparents were from, but if there’s anything I learned this year is… everything happens for a reason. I think it would have been an amazing trip, but there’s a reason I didn’t get to travel this weekend. Theres a reason I had to leave my job at the bank. Theres a reason I’m here in Prague in the first place. There’s a reason I’m witnessing this entire Mess. I guess there’s some growth in that too you know what I mean? Younger me would have probably combusted in hatred and be extremely negative and complain that “my life sucks” when in reality it’s fine it’s just in general, shitty things happen…. but life won’t stop for anybody not even me. On the bright side, some good lessons came out of this experience. Forget 2016, this was the real year of realizing things™. I’m going back to Miami with a completely different drive and mindset. For example, I knew school is important and I get good grades, but my attitude towards my education is COMPLETELY different now. Being “good” just isn’t good enough for me anymore. With my grades now I could get into a “good” grad school, but now I don’t even want “good” I want something better. I want great I want the best I want to work my ass off to get into an AMAZING school. I still don’t know everything or even want I want 100%, but this trip has helped me change how I plan to approach/execute my future goals. That “oh I guess I’ll work someday idk that’s a long time from now so I don’t care I’ll worry about it another day” won’t cut it anymore. Now that I’m thinking about it, a lot of things need changing when I get back. Which speaking of getting back, I’m counting down the days I’m so excited I leave at the end of the month ayee!! Lol okay I feel like I’m just rambling at this point. There were a few more things I wanted to say buut………… I forgot it so I’ll just end it here and make a new post if I remember lol. Even if no one reads this, future me will and she’ll remember how the Ctrl album from SZA was playing in the background while writing this and probably cringe at how bittersweet this whole experience/year has been.

TLDR I learned a lot on this internship (good and bad) and I’m basically going back home a new person :-)

[2centsofsilver]

12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”