#this movie changed my blood and brain structure i came out a different person after watching it i swear

[forleejehoon]

If you're a recent Lee Jehoon fan and feel like his acting is one of a kind, I urge you to watch his full-length movie debut in a piece called Bleak Night back from 2011 if you haven't already! I can assure, it will make you fall for his acting even more.

This movie is defined as a coming-of-age drama and has an overall indie feel to it. It's a story of a group of highschool friends – more precisely, the storyline follows along Gitae's (Lee Jehoon) dad who tries to understand why his son took his own life. Bit by bit, the events leading up to the incident are revealed to the viewers, too. It makes you constantly question "who's to blame?" and I feel like this question is the driving force of the story.

In general sense, this movie is about boyhood. Director Yoon Sunghyun, whose debut work was actually Bleak Night itself, expands on intricacies of relationships between guy friends and masterfully reveals the subtleties of boyhood as a stage of life using long shots, face close-ups and hand-held shaky camera work; it all feels very raw. It's strong, it's bitter, it hurts, yet it also leaves your heart open and warm for some unidentifiable reason.

Jehoon starred in Bleak Night together with Park Jeongmin (first from right in the picture; another genius actor, he does mostly movies though) and the piece is considered to have kicked off both of their acting careers since they showed truly captivating performances.

This movie is a masterpiece in the way it captures nuance and emotion, especially since it talks about feelings of young men who are just entering adulthood – a topic that's still considered rather taboo in this day and age. It's one of those movies you definitely have to watch at least once in a lifetime.

Bleak Night trailer with English subtitles

Fun fact: Jehoon happened to pass out from smoking too much while filming for this project. He said it was because before he didn't smoke at all but suddenly had to learn it for his character.

[thecitythatdoesntsleep]

Vampire Master-Guide

First of all I want to start off by saying I've gathered inspiration from MANY vampire medias. Fictions, games. The biggest influences are Vampire the masquerade (primarily bloodlines) and Vampire Knight (manga). As well as honorable mentions to Vampyr (game), Queen of the Damned (movie) and Van Helsing (movie, anime). So if anything sounds familiar, chances are it is. I highly encourage you to explore them as they are a few of my favorites.

Second of all this is going to be massive, so I'll be putting it under a cut. But it will be a comprehensive guide to my personal vampire lore that I've crafted and worked with through the years. If you like it, feel free to use it! I'd absolutely love to be tagged (so I can shower the creations with praise) but it's not required. I'm just out here making one more version of vampires that hopefully inspires you. There will be a couple different categories that I will touch base on.

History (this part is super short)

Physicality - Medical Information

Physicality - Appearance/Body

Mental Effects

Society

Anything from my vampire lore will be tagged #vlor

Now follow me under the cut, lovelies. But please be Warned: We'll be discussing blood, violence, physical and mental illness. As well as regular vampire related things. If any of this could trigger you, please kindly skip this post because you're far more important to me!

'History'

The original vampire to walk the earth, cursed by the heavens was Caine. After committing the first murder, a blood-soaked punishment was to forever be banished to walk the darkness with a constant reminder of his crimes. Thirst. Craving for the same blood he shed against his own kin. The sin was carried through the years and he came upon another outcast kindred by the name of Lilith, cursed by God in a different way and hexed with powerful disciplines.

They bonded as kine and Lilith taught her chaos to Caine in hopes they'd rule together. In the end his nature stayed true and his now empowered wrath befalls Lilith, committing murder yet again and taking her life.

To feed upon and be fed, was a now animalistic instinct that spoke louder than supposed human nature ever could. And thus the curse spread. To anyone that drinks from the tainted or is bitten by a rabid, is surely to bear it at the final heartbeat. The path to redemption is sealed but survival is nearly infinite. So long as the beast is obeyed and satisfied, there is no constraint on lifespan. They will be damned to an eternity enslaved to thirst.

(Primarily from VTMB but I really like the idea of it being some sort of ancient curse from the gods so I thought I'd include this tiny historical bit. Onto the good stuff.)

Physicality - Medical Information

Vampires are anemic, let's just establish that all vampires are what modern day medicine would consider anemia. But they also have super aggressive red blood cells that function x100 that of human white blood cells. All in one combo of super cells. No illness spreads. No disease can contract, nothing can live in their system. They don't fall ill with colds or flu. STD's aren't feasible. Their systems are far too strong and combative to infections, bacteria.

Their integumentary systems regenerate about x200 - x300 times faster. Within seconds (if there is or has been fresh blood in the system recently) their skin regenerates and goes even beyond that. Mere hours and limbs grow back, bones realign.

Vampires don't have functioning organs. (If they are turned from humans they are there but they don't work and will eventually wither.) Hearts don't beat, lungs have no need for air.

Vampires can't drown. They don't breathe and even if water fills their lungs, they would be weighted down but not die. They also don't float like humans do naturally.

Vampires can go out in the sun but they have hard times with sun poisoning. Think of a sunburn but more like a rash. They can't process the vitamin D very well and almost all of them have trouble with getting severely burnt very rapidly or having a rash from the sun. Prolonged exposure can make them feverish, nauseated and give them body cramps and fatigue. Even longer can make them violently ill and can essentially melt their skin. It can be healed but takes longer.

Staking their hearts immobilizes them but does NOT kill them. They can be detained this way and it is excruciatingly painful. But it doesn't kill you.

Vampires can't eat food. Only few can consume liquids aside from blood. They have no ability to digest it and no longer make acid. They'll usually heave it up along with whatever blood content is left in their gut.

They have perfect eyesight, hearing, hyper senses of taste and smell. Touch is extremely sensitive as well. Their skin isn't fragile, in fact it's a bit thicker than average skin from how fast it regenerates and is constantly maintaining itself.

They are very resistant but not impossible to scar. Scars from human life are erased with first turning.

Vampire blood tastes like flat soda or icky, room temperature tap water. Unpleasant to other vampires but in a desperate pinch, it will sustain but nowhere near as good as foreign blood does. Even animal blood takes better care of a vampires system than another body of recycled blood. (Think of it as they've already taken the good stuff out of it for their own bodies so all that's left is the taste and a few stray nutrients.)

Vampires fangs grow back indefinite. At about x10 the rate of humans losing and replacing their first set. No matter what comes of them, their fangs will always grow back. No other teeth mutate like this.

Fangs lengthen and retract when around blood or not. It's not something that can be helped or even trained out. When blood is present, fangs will lengthen even if there is no intention to feed. Automatic reaction and a painful one at that. They get used to it but it's a sharp pain like having a human tooth extracted but it doesn't have prolonged swelling or discomfort. Only when getting longer or retracting back in.

Whenever they're in bloodlust or a state of starvation, they gain a sense of x-ray vision but instead it's vein mapping. They can see through skin to arteries and if it's severe blood lust, they can even see the smaller, tinier veins in fingers and faces. This is a sight that ever vampire possesses in order to obtain blood easier or figure out a good place to bite. Anything that is living will be seen in a structure of veins. Animals, humans, other vampires.

Severing the brain stem from the body is one of the few sure-fire way to kill a vampire. Alternatively burning them to pure ash and scattering them or holding them in separate vessels. (If ALL ashes are contained somehow and mixed with fresh blood, there is a reanimation process so beheading them is more permanent.) Silver weapons or exposure to silver prior to wound can result in death as well.

Alcohol is SUPER effective when they drink it. Think of one shot making them drunk because it hits their bloodstream almost immediately. A double would have them seeing double and acting like a hot mess. 3+ for even the beefiest of men would have them blacked out and vomiting on the sidewalks.

Drugs effect them but only in extremely high doses and for nothing really over 2 hours or so. Short, short longevity but they have the same crash that humans do. If it's hard detoxing symptoms for humans, it's the same but faster. They can do a hard drug, feel the high for maybe 1 - 2 hours and immediately go into hallucinating and shaking from the aftermath. The same goes for Pharmacia. There's really no medicine that works.

Garlic is a myth. So is wolfsbane.

Silver on the other hand is a very real, very deadly weapon that still rings true. A single pinprick of a silver sewing needle and it can render a vampire powerless. Slow them down to the speed of a human, take away their rapid healing and remove all of their heightened senses. Silver directly into the bloodstream essentially renders them as they were before they turned in physical response and structure. It's the only metal that burns vampires skin and will char it if it sits in one spot for too long. Silver is the only kind of metal that can forge chain that vampires cannot break and can successfully be restrained in. Any wounds inflicted in silver take longer to heal.

They can't reproduce after being turned. Purebloods + Purebloods are the only exception and it's still extremely rare. (Only 9 children born in over 2,500+ years.)

Physicality - Appearance/Body

Whatever color their eyes are, blood-lust accentuates the brightest color. I.e: Brown eyes turn Yellow/Gold, Blue eyes turn White/Purple exct. (Different powers can change this depending on the vampire and their history, sire.) Just think neon, glowing eyes in the dark if they're thirsty or hunting.

They stay frozen in whatever physical appearance they're turned in. Their metabolism is whack so they don't really lose or gain weight, it's down to cosmetic changes or cosmetic surgery. Which at least it heals flawlessly and doesn't ever change. But there aren't many options for personally invested physical change.

Their hair and nails grow super fast.

Vampires usually have the hair color they have when they are turned but around 15% experience graying or whitening of their hair within a few days of turning. Due to a semi-common genetic string in humans.

Vampires don't tan. They burn. No matter what their skin color is. Most are the palest/pasty tone of their natural skin color merely due to anemia and lack of blood circulation.

They don't blush or show physical signs of fever.

Vampires don't sweat or flush when exerting or exercising. They don't have to regulate their body temperatures.

They get dry skin pretty often and it's important to combat it with baths and soaks and lotions/oils whenever possible.

They are usually a lukewarm body temperature. As low as 15°C|59°F to as much as 21°C|69.8°F.

Every vampire has a certain amount of charming allure to them. In whatever form or fashion suits them the best, it's a natural attractant to their human counterparts. A glint to their eyes, a certain smile, the pitch or timbre of their voice. Endearing, seductive, mysterious, whichever shines through in their personality. They are magnetic, attractive to the human eye, no matter what they tend to look like.

They can see themselves in aluminum coated mirrors. Just not silver.

Mental Effects

There is a staggering 95% probability that 'created' vampires will have amnesia unless turned by a pureblood/noble/king/queen/high ranking blood vampire. They remember nothing of their human lives and this is extremely common. It's actually very rare to remember anything prior to your awakening. (That's why there are usually strict laws about siring without consent and proof of consent.)

It is very easy for vampires to be blinded by fits of rage when starving for blood. They can fly into blind anger and attack people they normally wouldn't or even foes they have no chance of winning against. Depending on their remaining strength when this tipping point of starvation happens; it can be extremely dangerous to be around.

Most turned vampires suffer a psychotic break in their early turning years. (Between 6mo and up to 25 years of awakening age. I.e: from the date of being bitten.) The brain is the last thing to be altered in the physical process and because of this, it's believed that their mental state has to crumble to be built better. It's unknown as to exactly why this happens but it's almost guaranteed. It's the vampire equivalent of 'adolescence'.

Over 75% of vampires experience periodic depression and random bouts of sadness. Another 39% live with bouts of mild to moderate psychosis. (This has been suspected to happen because of the physical stasis and improper circulation of chemicals/hormones/exct. Many believe it's because of the guilt of their King, Caine.)

Mental illnesses that aren't born from physical imbalances are in cases of amnesia, cured. Those that are chemically related are usually worsened by the stagnant physical changes of vampirism. It's rare that those with amnesia remember their traumas or emotional upsets after turning.

The "amnesia" of turning is the death of a human psyche. With the staggering rate of permanent amnesia, it is hard to figure out exactly how it happens but it's widely known.

Society

Humans are not fully aware of vampires. This still rings true with the fear of world war and or wiping out the human race given their species.

There is a high society "government" type of monarchy. Each clan or type of vampires has a leader "elder". This is usually the oldest vampire to date of that specific type. Sometimes it's a group or a family of elders. In most modern day they have adapted to a more "presidential" route and have to establish themselves as leader types to be considered for any kind of law making or enforcement. (I.e: Noble bloodline, diligent efforts of servitude such as public service, military or other.)

There is a strict law against turning humans. Vampires are required to have clearly given consent and the process is to be looked over by an elder or enforcer. They must show strenuous documentation of that persons preservation in the name of probable amnesia. They must have a comprehensive processing of that persons interests, personality traits, societal standing, proof of occupational termination, familial status and situational agreement. (Basically they don't want humans forgetting their lives entirely and they want to make sure that they are able to move somewhere or hide from their families until they're well trained enough to be around them again. It's a very long to legally accomplish it.

Every city handles turning differently. Some require the sire to pay the death penalty and others are strictly against killing the one person responsible of their turned kindred.

Vampires are in every day jobs, doing anything and everything that humans do. From trash collecting, to law and doctors. Fame, fortune, poor, criminal; they all live as many walks of life as humans do.

Anti-vampire establishments are alive and well. Most are run by other vampires. Some humans share their beliefs but most typically it's a resounding amount of vampire extremists. This is legal due to the fact that they try to adhere and coexist for their sanctions ordinance. Helping enforce justice for their regions and implore an opposing force for rampaging vampires or other law breaking kindred.

Most human killings are covered up, tampered with or has someone on the inside working on doing both. It's a constant job but a needed one to keep their existence safe from being proven.

There is a massive shortage on vampire doctors serving other vampires or studying from what little information there is on vampirism. The ratio looking like 1 to 300. 1 doctor for every 300 vampires.

The most vampire dominated and lucrative occupations are generally law, publishing and sex working. There are 3 vampires with these jobs to every human worker.

Here is an additional post about how vampire blood would effect humans.

So that was everything I could think of for the time being. I may continue to edit and update this as I have time or I think of something that I haven't touched base on yet. But this is just the general lore I work with when I do write about vampires or when I think about them in general. Feel free to skip certain parts or like.. adapt it however you'd like. I made this to more so inspire people not to show a list of HOW things should go. Take of it what you like and ignore what you don't! Add more if you think of something!

Some of it gets a bit random but it's still things that I've either incorporated in some unpublished fics or talked about with some friends or just fantasized about in general. There's bits and pieces in all media for vampires that I really enjoy and I think every new style spins something different and makes for wonderful content!

[maxparkhurst]

How did you create your characters? What was your process?

TMI Tuesday:  How did you create your characters? What was your process?

// <offers out a chair> You’re going to want to sit for this. It’s going to be a LONG story. For those who’re looking for a short answer: I’m actually in the middle of creating these two. Edits and tweaks are always being made to make them appear real and true. And it’s thanks to everyone on here and in-game that they’ve progressed so much. 

Now for the long version. 

<buckles seat belt> 

Evolving as an Author:

Maxinora and Augustine Parkhurst are a culmination of ideas inspired by a myriad of things. The process of creating them isn’t linear. It has a lot of pit falls, unexpected twists and turns, and a ton of hills. To understand how we got the current versions of these two, we need to go back a couple years ago. 

It’s the summer of 2012. In efforts to get me off of his account, my Dad gifted me my own. This was when I made my first ever serious roleplay character- a hunter named Evelon Holmwood. Well, at the time I spelled it like Evavllyn but...Yeah. We’re going to gloss over that fact. Now, Eve was my pride and joy for the last several years. I played this character nonstop, refusing to play or write about anyone else. In retrospect, I used this character more as therapy than anything of creative merit. 

Eve’s story was basic at best. But I got better with story-telling the older I got. Unfortunately, her story got so convoluted that I had hard time salvaging anything from it. Now, you’re probably asking: How does this relate to Max? Fear not. I’m getting there. It was around this existential crisis that a mutual friend of my boyfriend and I convinced us to leave WoW and hop on SWTOR. My boyfriend was more than eager to make the switch but I was skeptical. Leaving WoW meant leaving Eve. And was I ready for that? 

He assured me I was and helped me make a character on SWTOR. This was the first iteration of Max. A bounty hunter from Nar’Shadda named Maxinora Fenrik. My intentions was to make her a lowkey copy of Eve. At this time, I wasn’t very confident in my writing abilities and liked to stay in my lane. But, the more I roleplayed this character the more she took on a life of her own. She evolved past Eve and exceeded my expectations. Playing a new character bolstered my confidence and while I no longer play SWTOR -due to OOC reasons- I still have fond memories with this character. I enjoyed this character so much that I reused several components of her design when making Max. Some which include her name and being blind in one eye. 

I flipped between the MMOs when Legion dropped. Expenses started to pile up and between the two subscriptions I didn’t have the time to play both. In the end, WoW won my affection and I made a Blood Elf because I had friends on Horde Side. Rorien Hawkthorne was her name. A drunk artist and master assassin. She’d be the second iteration of Max. She had an older sister complex, an affinity for being melancholy, and it was my first experience with playing a character who could kept secrets- or tried to at least. Another new character under the belt and I was feeling a little more confident in my story telling abilities. I’d probably would’ve kept playing that character if not for OOC drama happening in a guild I was in. The fallout had me jump back to the Alliance where I indulged in creature comforts. It was back to Eve. 

Tumblr made an entrance in my life around then as I ventured forth with a refreshed look on my hunter. I salvaged what I could and made a half-decent story. A lot of her misadventures are still posted up on her blog @evelonholmwood​ On the side I made the third iteration of Max. A fire mage and blacksmith combo by the name of Rowan Celwick with her younger brother Thomas Celwick.  They were just two orphaned kids trying to make a life in Stormwind. Rowan was an arcane drop-out and blacksmith wannabe and Thomas...Was...Well? Thomas? A glorified side-piece? A way to garner pity for Rowan. I didn’t place a lot of emphasis on them or their characters. My main focus was Eve. But these two would be the underlying foundation of Max and Auggie’s characters. 

I eventually took a hiatus from WoW and focused on more personal writing. The details are boring so I’ll gloss over it by saying that creating a character completely from scratch was the final push in the right direction for me. Fast forward several months to a year aaaaaand BOOM! Pandemic. 

Writing is an escape for me. It’s one of my best coping mechanisms during trying times. And when nothing else works, I over indulge in some Warcraft. So, I resubbed. There was hesitance when re-entering the RP scene. I didn’t leave Eve’s story off on an convenient note. For lack of better phrasing, I wrote myself into a hole I couldn’t get out of. So, with the help of my boyfriend, I decided it was time to give Eve her happy ending and shelf her for good. 

Which put me in a dilemma! Who was I going to RP? Well, you remember the Celwicks? They became my newest project. 

The Creative Process: 

I knew the Celwick story was weak and read much like a middle-school fanfiction. Revising was a must. But there were integral pieces to their story which I enjoyed: 

Familial Sacrifice 

Juxtaposing concepts

Intertwined Fates

These were themes I could work with and evolve. Keeping these in mind, I started to deconstruct the Celwick story line. They were no longer Gilnean but Kul’tiran. This prompted a name change from Celwick to Parkhurst. And I won’t lie, I like the sound of Parkhurst better than Celwick. Thomas became Augustine and Rowan became Maxinora (Mainly because I actually HAD the name Maxinora and not Rowan). The little changes got me hyped for the characters. 

Next, I started to trim away the unnecessary details that bogged down the narrative. Things that either didn’t fit or made the timeline too convoluted were replaced. Pyromancy was a great example. The age I wanted Max to be wouldn’t yield to her understanding of Pyromancy. At least, not to the level I WANTED it to be. SO, I turned it into lament’s magic. Alchemy. (I also always wanted to play an alchemist since watching FMA) 

A girl with two professions seemed excessive as well. I had to look at why I wanted her to be both an Alchemist and a Blacksmith. The answer was simple. I just liked the juxtaposition of an intelligent woman being rough and tumble. Which made me ask: Was Blacksmithing necessary to achieve that imagine? The answer was no. To pay respect to her previous iteration, I made their parents blacksmiths. It also let me keep themes of fire in her concept. The change in profession brought on a change in her appearance. I made her a little more slender to fit with the alchemist appeal. 

Max’s aesthetic was brought on by my previous characters.  Rorien inspired more internal facets of Max while Fenrik inspired outward appearances. Max’s auburn was strictly a decision made on the fact that I had one too many character’s with black hair. There wasn’t any other reason for it. 

Designing Max was easy. The real challenge was with Augustine. Up until that point, all I had to go on for his character was Tommy Celwick and...Well. There wasn’t a lot there. He wasn’t much more than a poorly used trope and I considered doing away with him all together. But I realized that I REALLY liked the trope and I liked what he did for Max’s character.  So, I buckled down and made myself think through all the reasons why Thomas Celwick -AKA Augustine Parkhust- needed to exist. 

I decided that I needed him in order to present themes in Max’s story. He was the foil to her character. Cynic older sister? Meet optimistic brother. He also appealed to not only the three themes listed above, but also the newest one I wanted to explore: two sides of the same coin. Max and Augustine are simultaneously the same, having similar traumas, and yet different. If for nothing else, Augustine could help propel Max in the right direction. Be her moral compass, you know? With a bit of half-assing here and there, I managed to get a decent character out of Augustine. Took the cliche nerdy brother idea, physical design and all, and ran with it. Shortly after I  made their Tumblr account. In no way did I expect this BOY to take on a life of his own. Like, Auggie knocked on my brain’s door and was like, “Yeah. No. I’m not a side character. Give me my own story...” 

Which will bring me into my final point! 

The Characters Write Their Own Story: 

I’ve never been able to sit down and plan a story. My mind doesn’t work in such a structured fashion. It wanders and explores. When I’m creating, I’m watching. Watching the scenes play out before my eyes as these characters take what I’ve given them and grow into something almost independent of me. The basic pieces of Max and Auggie’s back story, along with character design, were purposeful. Yes. But everything that came after was THEM.

It’s cliche, I know, but I can’t describe this experience any other way. These two grew outside of my influence and now dominate a space in my brain. They talk, work, and interact without me. I mean...Not REALLY. But...It feels like that. It feels I’m watching through a keyhole and just recording what I see as their story plays out. 

I guess a better analogy is me being the director. I’m watching the movie in the stands as two actors improv. On good days, I’m in control and rework scenes until I’m satisfied with the results. Try this. Move here. Say this. On bad days, I don’t see anything. My actors went home. The lights are off. Show’s cancelled for the day. These days make me sad...But they’re worth it because on the BEST days...The best days Max and Auggie run the whole show, and I am watching through the keyhole as their story unfolds little by little. 

It’s truly magical. 

The last part of their creation was the voice. Character voice, for me, is like building muscle. You need to work out. Start small and work your way up in weight. Every little piece I wrote made their voices stronger; and that’s including asks and threads. Interacting with other characters helped to flesh them out as people. And while it was hard and intimidating at first, it’s started to become easier. 

Wrap-Up

My method is messy and untrained. I don’t claim to have any secrets. My knowledge of writing is mediocre at best. But I’m having fun. And that’s were the real magic of any character comes in. Fun. Because if you aren’t writing about something that sparks your soul- either with love, happiness, hatred, etc- then it’s nothing more than a forced, hollow husk. Writing is meant to evoke emotion. At least in mind. And want to express complex emotions and share them. In a perfect world? My characters -any of my characters- resonates with someone. They become the escape someone needed. That’s the ultimate goal. 

It’s thanks to all of you that Max and Auggie have come this far. It’s from their interactions with others that they’ve managed to evolve into something incredible- especially Augustine. He just kept shining brighter and brighter until I felt obligated to make him an in-game character. So, you all are just as much a part in the creative process as me. Thank you! 

And a special thanks to my boyfriend for always being a sound board for my rambling ass <3 

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK, ANON! Sorry I posted an essay...<3 

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Stranger Things (The Eighties Blasts Collection, Part 9.)

Description: Jim Hopper died as a hero. But with that, one certain problem rises up - who will now lead the cops of Hawkins? Hopper thought of that - he decided to write a letter, naming his niece, nineteen-year-old student of Indianapolis police academy, Y/N Hopper as a sheriff deputy in a letter. But anybody in the town doesn’t have a clue that being a cop in Hawkins is way more dangerous than it might seem.

A/N: I know that Stranger Things opening song by Kyle Dixon and Michael Stein wasn't actually produced in the eighties, but a) it is the main soundtrack of the whole series and b) it is just a really good example of music which has the power to tense you up.

Warnings: Dustin being seriously smart - I love a smart Dustin, bcs he is such a bright kid. But mostly the gang realizing that they are fucked in the butt. Maybe the kids swearing a bit? Nothing too dramatic or unusual.

Word Count: 3 K

Tagging: @charmed-asylum​ @nemodoren​

Master list: The Eighties Blast Collection

Dustin was actually quite good at giving everyone heads up, calling the kids gang with Cerebro to meet up at your place. Normally, you would watch that kid in awe just because of how intelligent he seemed to be and probably, he was more responsible than Steve by any means. Everyone knew about the super-strange thing in a spawn of ten minutes. After that, Steve drove you to your cabin where everyone was supposed to meet up.

Your conversation with Eleven was pretty much one-sided and really short since you could say one sentence only before you both started crying like little kids. When the words slipped past your lips, the boys got completely silent as you fell back to shock. You could only hear how Elever cried, but the sounds came to you from a distant place, like you weren’t even present at the moment.

After that, Steve with Mike helped you back on the backseat of your Chevy and let you lay there because you seemed to be out of your mind, just trembling.

The Demogorgon really did a number on you - putting you in a state when you were all good for a few good minutes and then you just fell into a complete shock again, these two states being constantly trying to be beaten in between themselves.

You had sloppy memories of arriving back to the cabin - only Steve and Mike helping you out while Dustin unlocked and held the door. They made you drink a cup of hot tea to raise up your blood pressure a bit. 

After other short calls from the phone in your cabin, they made the rest to come - Nancy and Robin. 

There you were, four almost adults and four kids sitting at the table in your house, some eating Eggos or other sweets, some just intensely watching you. You were sitting in the middle between Steve and Nancy while the others sat around the room - in the armchair or on the stools, some even got the chairs from the table. 

Dustin and Max's boyfriend, you still didn't remember his name, were holding the phone and changed when one of their palms started to hurt - there was Will on the phone, telling Joyce and the others what happened.

"So, what exactly happened? We don't have a clue, Hopper, and you still didn't tell us." - Mike said pretty loudly, almost yelled at you all of a sudden. You got why he was like that - he was upset by the unknown. Nobody knew anything at that moment - you were useless and Steve was too worried about you to talk. And even you two didn't know much.

"De-Demorgogon. It's real." - You looked Mike in the eyes and slowly rolled your sleeve up to your elbow to show him that bloody bruise you had there. Everyone looked at it with their breath stuck in their throat; this bruise could certainly win the competition about the most disgusting-looking bruise. Dustin was quietly describing your hand to Will in the background.

"Yeah, we already know that. It is real. Can you tell us something new?!" - Max's boyfriend burst out at you.

"But she wasn't here to see it!" - Both Nancy and Steve yelled at him to make you justice. That made the boy shut up.

"It crept at us and killed an old lady. It was probably feeding itself from her for quite some time. Her arm was bitten off." - Steve said, but nobody seemed to understand one and the exact thing.

"How could it survive inside of that house for so long without anybody seeing it?" - Max asked was the one who asked the question out loud. You and Steve looked at each other worriedly.

"I think that it's evolving. Physically, it is the same as the Demodogs or the first Demogorgon, I couldn't spot no difference there. But its brain isn't the same as it used to be." - Steve answered and looked at you to describe what you've been through. - "It was speaking to us, like when you're having a normal conversation with somebody. It was a bit weird here and there, but basically, it was really intelligent, it responded according to the subject. Let's just say... The Demogorgon was able to track down somebody lonely and who's disappearance would barely anyone notice. It hid the body and fed on it, so it didn't have to leave its nest for a long time."

"But how could you two have a normal conversation with a monster? That doesn't make any sense. Did you not see that it is a Demogorgon right away?" - Nancy asked in confusion. It wasn't too hard to say that something was Demogorgon, really, even if it had similarities to a human. - "That sounds that you're just as dumb as Steve is." - Robin chuckled to brighten up the situation, but you barely noticed it.

"Metamorphosis." - You whispered and looked at Steve. His thoughts weren't exactly as fast as yours, but you knew that he only needed the right push. - “Are we talking about the novella by Franz Kafka?” - Robin asked in confusion.

"No.” - You answered her quickly, before turning your face directly to Steve’s. It almost looked like a perfect position for a kiss... But there was no time for that. You slowly started with explaining yourself to him. - “If it did pretend that it is that old lady..." - You whispered and his eyes widened.

"It can find a new host. It can kill again." - Steve completed your sentence and you nodded at him. The situation was bad. If the Demogorgon would prey down another victim and if it would find a pattern to go with, you could be up for a pretty long play of hiding and seeking with the creature. 

And with that, you furrowed at each other. Nobody knew what you're talking about. Metamorphosis. Weird word, barely used around young people. So Dustin, who gave the phone to Lucas, stood in front of you, opening his palms and watched both of you with a worried expression, which brought everyone’s attention to him.

"Slow down, Hopper, and explain to us what's happening. I heard something about metamorphosis. How is it phasing then?" - At that moment, Robin asked. - "Why the hell you're even talking about metamorphosis? You're trying to look cool in front of the kids, guys?"

“What it even is?” - Max asked and everyone shut up for a minute before turning at her. Max wasn't the brightest or the most observant on mister Clarke’s classes, but that was completely okay.

"Metamorphosis is the most basic way to change your appearance by evolving. Butterflies do that - there are green, small caterpillars in the first place and after everything is done, only a butterfly remains. The completely changed their whole body structure to become something better. In Kafka’s novella, a human person changes into a big bug.” - He explained in a rushed, yet really calm tone. Max looked confused for a minute but then nodded as the two dots connected.

“And it seems to me that the Demogorgon could possibly use metamorphosis." - Dustin finished with a small smile. This was terrifying, yes, but fascinating at the time. Just as with Dart. Once again, you watched that child's face in awe; how could someone so young possibly be so smart? What were the odds? He was basically the opposite of Steve sitting by your side.

“So, you're trying to tell that the Demogorgon could be a pupe at some point to evolve?” - Mike asked in a really ironic tone, looking at Dustin. - “Come on.”

“Unfortunately, my friend, not necessarily. Do you remember Mystique in Uncanny X-Men number 170?” - He asked him. - “Mystique is that blue-ish girl?” - Max peeped from the other side of the room. She loved princess Diana as Wonder Woman, but of course, she knew Marvel heroines as well.

“Exactly that one. She is shifting her visual appearance to look like other people. The skillset she possesses is named...” - “Metamorphosis.” - You finished. - “And think about this, guys. If the Demorgogon evolved the ability to metamorphose itself, it could most likely look like an old, weird lady.”

“Exactly. She was hella weird, but you would describe her as strange and let her be.” - Steve nodded at Dustin, clearly being proud of him. 

“But how it could copy her appearance? Is that even possible? Because the Demogorgon doesn't exactly have the eyes to like... Scan her look.” - Nancy stood up and poured herself a glass of ice-cold water. This was too much to take in. Just way too much. She would even accept some Vodka at that point.

For a moment, there was silence until Robin stood up and looked at everyone as if they were complete idiots even if she was fully silent until that very moment. 

“You didn't hear what Steve and Hopper repeated almost five times?” - She looked at everyone and clapped loudly. - “It was feeding on her corpse the whole time. What if it wasn't hungry?” 

“You mean that it copied the lady’s DNA structure and shifted directly to look like her? That is insane, even for a sci-fi movie.” - Mike stood as well. Almost everyone was standing on their feet like if it was helping them think. 

“We have a shape-shifting Demogorgon and you say that copying her DNA after it ate her flesh is too crazy to be happening, you dingus?” - Steve asked Mike ironically. - “I am not a dingus, but this is just crazy.” - Mike yelled back and that was where Max’s boyfriend got involved. - “It was always crazy, Mikey. Do you still remember the time your girlfriend had some telepathic abilities? That is just reality!” 

“Okay, children!” - You stood up and yelled over them, looking at everyone with a furrow. - “Now sit your asses down and let’s just establish that we have a shape-shifting Demogorgon that eats meat so it knows the structure of DNA of what it is changing into running around Hawkins. Over. That is not everything.” - You spoke in a firm voice. From a moment to moment, everyone could see that you and Jim were actually related. Your, normally smiling and gentle, face turned into the face of Satan as you watched everyone down. Without further ado, everyone shut up and sat down, Max’s boyfriend and Dustin changed place in holding the phone again. 

“Will you let me continue or anyone has anything to say?” - You stood in the head of the table so everyone could be looking at you.

“You are looking better. The coffee really helped, nice to see.” - Dustin smiled at you happily and you just exhaled voice, being almost fed up with that chaotical group calling each other names. How any of them could survive the first Demogorgon was more and more mysterious to you with each passing moment.

“I meant if you had something meaningful to add to the subject.” - You asked in a cold tone and Dustin’s smile just went wilder. For a moment, there was complete silence in the room, so you started to speak again. - “Alright then, let’s move on. We saw the Demogorgon, but its primary goal wasn't to kill me.” 

“How do you know?” - Robin asked, looking at you.

“Because I am standing in front of you on my own feet, speaking with you. There was a delay between it caught my forearm and Steve shooting at it. It had enough time to bite my head off and yet, it didn't.” - You sat back between Steve and Nancy, everyone still watching you. - “It showed me... Something. This is crazy, but it weirdly communicated with me.” 

“It was showing Hopper to you?” - Mike asked confusedly. You shook your head. 

“It did, at least... I think. It was just a small moment. But it showed me something else. This is going to sound so stupid, but I think that it tried to... Warn me.” - You looked at everyone. 

“Will asks about what.” - Dustin asked and you looked at him.

“Okay, so it caught my forearm and when I thought it is going to kill me, I felt so sold that I opened my eyes. I don't know how it did it, but we were in a really cold biome full of snow and ice, some mountains possibly, in the woods, looking at a military camp hidden under the ground. But it wasn't the Demogorgon, as you call it, holding my hand. I think that it was the... How you call it? The Shadow Monster?” - You looked at the others. Even Steve was confused at that moment, he didn't know that any of that happened. 

“The Mind Flayer was showing you a military camp? Could it be in Alaska, possibly?” - Nancy asked and sipped on her water. You got quiet for a small amount of time and then shook your head. - “No. I am ninety percent sure of that. I would recognize the uniforms and technology. This wasn't in America.” 

“And what happened next?” - Mike asked with his mouth opened up, being completely caught up in your story. You looked at him and exhaled before continuing.

“It took me inside, we were basically going through the walls like Casper the Friendly Ghost, and we stopped in a hall full of cells. They were clearly holding many people in there. And when they opened it up, there was a man with long hair and beard, greasy, tired, beaten up. I think it was Jim because he looked at me. I saw his eyes and maybe... He saw me as well.” - You whispered, almost breaking into tears again. Steve was watching the profile of your face, smoothing you over your shoulder.

“You think that it was Hopper because he looked at you for a second? How can you even say that? You can’t be sure about that just like that.” - Max’s boyfriend asked and laughed unbelievably after that.

“A quick question.” - Nancy interrupted him. - “Would you recognize your mom if I gave you only a picture of her eyes?” 

“Probably yes, why?” - He answered with an unsure grimace. Nancy rose her eyebrows at him. - “Because Jim is like a father to Y/N. She knows him the whole life, so I think it is more than sure that she would recognize his gaze between many others. Now shut up already and let continue, Lucas.” - She shushed him down, turning at you again. You gave her an unsure smile, fidgeting your fingers. 

“Then it took me deeper. Into the base floor. There was a huge red tear in the wall shining with some... Red light or what. For a moment, it was completely silent, but just before men dressed in leather suits came into the room. They had MSGs probably, I didn't recognize the type of gun. After that, some huge machine was activated, sending a huge blue beam into the wall.” - At that moment, you were sobbing again, because of the horrific memories going through your head. 

At that point, everyone in the room was completely breathless, watching you. It was terrifying, surely it was, but everyone was curious about what happened next, so you could make sense out of it together.

“And Demogorgons started to crawl out of it. Not one... Or two. It was a pack of six or seven. And the men shot at them, making them crawl into some other door.” - You swoop away the tears. - “Whoever is doing that, they are clearly keeping the Demogorgons in their base and I think that they might be... Training them or trying to understand their species.” - You leaned your head into Steve’s shoulder subconsciously and nobody even commented that, since you were on the edge of falling into the shock or fainting at that moment again, blood dripping from your nose again.

“Will asks if you... Hear a voice inside your head. Or if you have some memories that don't belong to you, impulses, feelings you’ve never felt before... Anything.” - Dustin asked silently as Steve hugged you and brought you closer, warming you up by rubbing your shoulders. You were as cold as ice.

“No. I think that I am just scared, that's all. Or at least, I hadn't noticed anything.” - You answered, wiping the blood away again. 

“I don't think that Mind Flayer made a spy out of Hopper. Do you feel cold?” - Mike asked you suddenly. Everyone was slowly standing up, except Steve, slowly getting away. 

“What?” - You asked in confusion. 

“A simple yes or no question. Do you feel cold?” - Mike asked you again, slowly turning the heater up as if he was looking for something on you. 

“I am cold like fuck, Michael. I am not flayed.” - You told him unbelievably. - “She’s freezing.” - Steve nodded when he held your fingers in his hand. 

“The Mind Flayer likes it cold. We will just test the theory out, we will close the windows and heat the room, okay?” - Dustin asked you carefully. You turned your head to Nancy, who told you that you should do it. For the sake of the children believing what you’ve just said to them.

So they left you to fall asleep under three blankets after drinking a cup of completely hot tea, turning the heater on while they were talking to Will, Joyce, Johnathan, and Eleven on the other side of the phone line. After you slept for an hour without showing any signs of being flayed, they slowly started to go home with only one thought in their heads - there was a new type of Demogorgon in hiding in Hawkins. 

Intelligent and dangerous as ever. 

The Shapeshifter.

[thejanewestin]

Mariposa: a pacrim/westworld fic

***

“Dr. Gottlieb.”

Hermann looks up from his computer. Visitors are infrequent these days; he works almost entirely with park algorithms, now, so the changes he effects are rarely acute enough to require drop-ins from management.

“Ah.” He stands, smoothing his rumpled shirtfront with both hands. “Mr. Pentecost. What can I do for you?”

Hermann has never been particularly good at reading people’s expressions—it was part of the reason he had enjoyed his work in Behavior so much, because he could parse a particular emotional response down to a single line of code—but he can tell at once that Pentecost is worried.

Pentecost looks at Hermann’s screens, at the three-dimensional birds’ eye rendering of the park.

“You can manipulate the park from here?” Pentecost says.

Hermann glances at the hologram, a miniaturized version of the Cradle. He pushes his glasses up. “Not directly,” Hermann says. “I run simulations. I can implement gradual changes. Terrain, climate, the like. Wildlife.”

Pentecost rubs his chin. “What about hosts?”

“No.” Hermann had been more than happy to surrender his numerous Jaeger pilot builds to the bright-eyed programmers who replaced him in Behavior. He works alone now, and he likes it that way. He points to the leftmost screen. “I collect long-term data. Aggregate, not individualized. Number of interactions per sector, number of deaths, et cetera.” He frowns at Pentecost. “Why?”

“You did a lot of good work in Behavior,” Pentecost says. He’s watching Hermann with narrowed eyes.

Hermann turns back toward his computer and closes the hologram with a wave of his hand. “I don’t do compulsory programming any longer,” he says. He divulged the reason for his departure from Behavior to exactly one person, and he still regrets that decision, even two years later.

“Even so,” Pentecost says, “I think you could help with a problem we’re having with the hosts.”

“I very much doubt it,” Hermann says uncomfortably. “I haven’t so much as accessed a host profile in more than two years. Any knowledge I had is certainly obsolete by now.”

Pentecost claps a hand on his shoulder. “I have full faith in you, Dr. Gottlieb,” he says heartily. “Finish what you’re working on and come up to level five, my office. You remember where it is.”

Hermann gulps.

“Yes, sir,” he says.

Hermann hasn’t been above level nine, where he lives, for almost a week. He does try to get to the surface on his days off, for vitamin D more than anything else, but there’s a new narrative debuting each quarter this year and he has more than enough reasons to stay belowground. He’s been to the executive offices only once: when Pentecost hired him as a Behavior tech.

He hurriedly finishes the running the analysis on Sector 12’s most recent data set and sends the report to the head of Diagnostics, then logs out. He takes a deep breath.

It’s nothing, he tells himself. Some kernel of old code they need to flush, some host that hasn’t been back to Livestock in four or five updates. Nothing to do with the kaiju lab.

Nothing to do with Newton Geiszler.

The very thought of it makes Hermann’s face heat up, and he clutches his jacket a little tighter around himself as he rides the thirteen floors up to level five. Elsie had sworn that she wouldn’t breathe a word of his disclosure. He fervently hopes she’s kept her promise.

Pentecost’s office is at the end of a long hallway, a perimeter suite that in an aboveground structure would have afforded him a window with a very nice view. In the subterranean hub, he just gets a private bathroom.

He knocks on Pentecost’s door.

“Enter,” Pentecost booms. Hermann pushes the door open and his heart nearly stops.

“Hi, Hermann,” Elsie says, giving him a little wave.

Hermann feels the blood drain out of his face. “Miss Hughes,” he says.

Elsie turns back to Pentecost. “We found it in the last update. Only about ten percent have come back to Livestock, but they all have it.”

“Miss Hughes,” Pentecost says, “perhaps you will save me the embarrassment of attempting to rehash what you’ve told me, and get Dr. Gottlieb up to speed.”

“Right.” Elsie unfolds the host tablet she’s holding and hands it to Hermann.

Hermann looks down. It’s a pretty brunette woman. She seems familiar, but there are so many hosts and it’s been a long time.

“Here,” Elsie says, reaching over. She scrolls, scrolls, highlights.

Hermann moves the tablet closer to his face and squints at the lines of code. He looks up at her. “This is in all the hosts?” he asks.

“The ones that got the most recent update,” Elsie says.

He scrolls some more. “And what does it look like in vivo?”

“I can show you,” Elsie says, “but it’s aberrant—movements linked to memories that should have been wiped.”

“You mean the pilots,” Hermann says.

Elsie shakes her head. “Nope. All of them.”

Hermann blinks at her. “That’s not possible. The NP memories are purged after every narrative loop.”

“It shouldn’t be,” Elsie says, “but it turns out the memories are there, just inaccessible. It’s like...like a subconscious.”

“Who put this in?” Hermann keeps scrolling.

“We don’t know,” Pentecost says. “Updates and alterations to code should be tied to a specific user. These are just...blank.”

Hermann closes the tablet and hands it back to Elsie.

“I want to see,” he says.

***

Hermann has been to Behavior a handful of times since transferring to Diagnostics, for meetings and whatnot, but he hasn’t spent any time with a host. Certainly not with a tablet open on his knees. Her name is Clementine.

He watches the code scroll by as she moves and he misses it. “Damn.”

“Watch,” Elsie says. “She’ll do it again.”

Green eyes blank, Clementine moves her fingers across her jaw, and Hermann almost misses it a second time: her pinky, stretching just a little to stroke her lower lip.

“What on earth,” he says, looking down at the tablet.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought, too,” Elsie says.

There’s a beep behind them. Hermann looks up. The glass door opens, and a pale, skinny man with sweater vest and a surly expression walks in.

“Lee,” Elsie says, her voice turning cool.

“Hughes,” the man says curtly. He looks at Hermann. “Who’s this?”

“Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,” Pentecost says. “He was one of the top programmers in Behavior until they lost him to Diagnostics. This is Lee Sizemore, head of Narrative and Design.”

Sizemore looks Hermann up and down. Hermann can almost see Sizemore dismissing him. He’s used to it, by now.

“Where are we, then?” Sizemore says. He has a British accent, cultured. He pushes up his sleeves.

“It looks like the aberrant code is embedded in the update,” Elsie says to him. She nods at Hermann. “We were just reviewing what it looks like in an NP host.”

“Can we roll it back?” Pentecost taps the tablet. “Just...undo whatever changes were made?”

“It’s not that simple,” Elsie says. “Each NP host iteration builds on the prior personality. Adds depth. Their emotional responses are more genuine. Rolling back an update risks wiping the personality they’ve already built.”

“So program new ones,” Pentecost says.

“We do,” Elsie says, “but it takes money and man-hours to develop.”

Lee smirks. “One point four million to build each non-pilot host personality, inclusive. Pilots are more. Not to mention the storylines, and the considerable expense to animate each kaiju.”

Hermann’s mouth twitches. He didn’t know that.

“Okay, the pilots.” Elsie continues as though Sizemore hadn’t interjected. She tucks her hair behind her ears. “The difference is that their past loops are the basis for their actions, not just their personalities and emotional responses.”

Pentecost nods. “Because they have to do more than interact with hosts.”

“Right,” Elsie says. “We can program them to have courage, but their decision-making in combat is almost completely based on their prior kaiju encounters.” She hesitates. “And then there’s the guest-host drift interface.”

Pentecost frowns. “Explain.”

“That was Hermann’s specialty,” Elsie says. She raises her eyebrows at him.

Hermann clears his throat. “Ah. Yes. Well. It’s been a while, as you know, but—” He rolls his chair over to the computer in the corner of the glass testing room. “Jaeger pilots have a core code dyad: emotional response-slash-drift, and combat actuation. Both of them require perpetuation for the host to be fully functional.” He pulls up a pilot profile: Herc Hansen, one of the first pilot hosts Hermann had coded.

“Meaning?” Pentecost says.

“Meaning it takes at least two hundred iterations of the same loop to hone a pilot’s combat response system enough that he or she can operate a Jaeger without ripping it apart or frying its drift circuits. It’s why we run them with the simulators.” Hermann points to the screen. “See? The same loop, and the memories are wiped, but the host self-modifies its combat behavior each time.”

“It learns without remembering,” Pentecost says slowly. “And the drift?”

“Each simulator run builds new drift capabilities,” Hermann says. “The more neural pathways are created, the closer to a human brain the pilot host becomes. After so many runs, Miss Hughes and her team determine if the host is ready to interface with a human in a drift.”

“And that’s what this new update has done with the NPs?”

“Right,” Elsie says. She holds Clementine’s tablet up next to the computer screen. “Regular hosts shouldn’t have this level of autonomy. If this perpetuates—” A look of sudden realization crosses her face. “It won’t be just the pilots who will be able to drift with the guests.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Miss Hughes,” Hermann says sharply. “The drift interface is a specific type of programming—”

“We don’t know where this rogue code came from,” Pentecost interrupts. “At this point, we can’t assume that anything is impossible.”

“Hang on,” Sizemore says. “You said that this—this mystery code turns the NP code into pilot code, yeah? So it wouldn’t have done anything to the pilots.”

“Wrong again, Lee,” Elsie says. She puts Clementine’s tablet down and scrolls through Hansen’s code. “Look at this. Double the number of drift synapses from the last update. More than his brain should be able to handle. It’s a miracle he hasn’t had a seizure.”

“Okay,” Sizemore says, “so how many were affected?”

Elsie looks at him. “Ten percent of the population,” she says.

“We freeze all updates,” Pentecost says. He’s frowning. “We pull the affected hosts until we can run a full set of diagnostics.”

“All of them?” Sizemore sputters. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s two hundred hosts.” He pushes in front of Hermann and clicks through screen after screen. “And—and two-thirds of the pilots? How is this correct?”

Elsie glares at him. “Pilots end up in Livestock three times as often as non-pilots,” she says tightly.

“That’s at least a dozen storylines affected,” Sizemore says, jabbing a finger at the screen.

“And fourteen hundred guests in the park whom I have no intention of jeopardizing.” Pentecost’s voice is low and full of warning.

“What do you propose we do?” Sizemore throws his hands in the air. “Shut down? Give out gift cards?”

“Will you cut the drama, Jesus,” Elsie snaps. “Hermann. My team can run some parallel diagnostics. You programmed the pilots, can you help me?”

Hermann swallows hard. “Yes.”

She looks at Pentecost. “We pull a sample. Ten pilots, ten NPs. We can have an analysis done by tomorrow morning.”

Pentecost’s frown deepens. “Fine. Run the diagnostics. But if there’s even an unscripted sneeze we’re shutting down.”

Sizemore thrusts a finger in Pentecost’s direction. “Ford’s going to hear about this,” he says.

Pentecost smirks. “I’m counting on it,” he says.

Here’s chapter 2:

Mariposa, chapter 2

Chapter 3:

[sharksfood]

spoilers for Ralph Breaks the Internet (Wreck-It Ralph 2)

SO i was going to wait to record my thoughts on Ralph Breaks the Internet until after i finished my homework but i cant stop thinking about it!!!

anyways, I saw RBTI on Tuesday night in 3D and it was AMAZING!! i mean, both the movie by itself and how it looked in 3D. i loved that they put in a nod to those movies that took 3D to the fullest potential with stuff coming at you from the screen, when Ralph was throwing the football into the air.

BESIDES THAT i LOVED this movie!!!! i’m no negative nancy when it comes to sequels and i had been wanting a WIR followup since the first one came out!

but to get the biggest aspect out of the way, i was not always on board with the plot of Ralph and Vanellope going into the Internet. when I first heard the movie announcement and the whole Internet aspect it didn’t totally make sense to me. I mean, I originally thought the gang going into online games was a good mix between Internet and video games (since WIR revolves around video games). However I quickly changed my mind, especially since they WOULD be going into online/mobile games.

My initial reaction to the movie as a whole was EXTREMELY POSITIVE!!! I loved how the animation looked, the fact that we got an introduction on what Ralph, Vanellope, Felix, and Tammy (Calhoun) had been up to since the last movie, and that everything including the arcade had changed in basically real time. That last part was a bit sad too, especially with how few games were left in the arcade and that it seems business was not as good for Mr. Litwak as it used to be. BUT this movie, especially the beginning, was like catching up with an old friend after a long time apart! WIR means so much to me and I was so glad Disney took the time to connect to those who’d seen and loved the first movie.

I’ll admit I was a little nervous with how they’d handle the Internet, especially for a fictional universe thats based on the real one, like WIR. I knew they’d have to create fake websites and video games and what not to fit the plot and because of licensing rights. I’m also glad they did this because if Yesss were the algorithm for actual BuzzFeed or YouTube I don’t think they’d let anyone forget that. plus that would be too 4th wall breaking in my opinion. and this movie did A LOT or meta/4th wall stuff. I dont think any of the references or hints or real-world tie ins were annoying or over the top, it was the right amount for me. they could have made everything fictional, but that would fail to hook people. it was the right amount of fiction and real-life.

that being said, I do think some of the things Ralph, Vanellope, and Yesss accomplished couldn’t work in the real world. What bothered me is that any video of Ralph showed him as 3D, like how he looks in Sugar Rush or in the Game Central Station. Yes, that is how he looks “inside” the games and from other video game character’s perspective, but does that work for humans? Maybe it wasn’t explained very well, thats all. WIR is at times a little hard to wrap my head around. But then again, not everything needs to be explained or completely realistic, since, you know, video game characters are not able to coexist in each other’s games or buy stuff from Ebay.

the new characters was SO GOOD especially Yesss, Shank, and Knowsmore (to me anyways). I would have liked if the new characters had interacted with each other on screen more (like Yesss and Shank are friends but you wouldn’t know that without each of them saying so). also the Disney Princesses were adorable and actually more plot-related than i thought they’d be!

the biggest surprise for me is how much importance the movie gave to Vanellope for being a princess, i mean, she got a song and everything! To me she never gave her princessship much mind, since she only wanted to be a racer. by the end of the movie she was farther from being a princess than before. but i think this was intentional and why we got the scene with the other princesses in the first place, Disney wanted to show that there’s no one way to be a princess. obviously Pixar addressed this with Merida, and I think Moana is a good example, too, but Vanellope really is the least-princessy princess. I’m also glad that they didn’t make her song or voice too cute/pretty, it fit with her character, personality, and dream!

the part of this movie that my most impactful for me was the message and eventually plot structure of how Ralph and Vanellope’s friendship was addressed. WIR means a lot to me is many ways, but the fact that romance or blood family isnt the main relationship dynamic is huge.  I mean, I can’t think of many Disney/Pixar movies that do this, and even those that do, friendship is just a subplot. Ralph and Vanellope becoming friends, protecting one another, even in the face of their differences is one of the main messages of WIR (the other being self-acceptance and following your heart). RBTI took this further with the message of how friends can grow, drift apart, have difference dreams, become too attached, and build negative friendships based on anxieties. I’ve NEVER seen this in an animated movie, and it hit me pretty hard.

so with anxiety in mind, I really liked how Vanellope’s glitching was utilized, i mean since she now has a general control on it, she doesn’t glitch out as much. the only time she does in RBTI is when she wants to or when she’s super anxious. its almost like a physical symptom of her having a panic attack. (on a personal note, Vanellope’s glitching was the main thing that helped me get over my fear of glitch, so that relation to anxiety and fear is very meaningful to me) but Vanellope’s anxieties were very different from Ralph’s, which is good! they both struggled with being accepted within their games in the past, and part of that still lingers, though now, especially for Ralph, it manifests in anxiety over their friendship. I really like the direction that Disney/Pixar has taken with some of their movies recently in that the main antagonist is not a villain, but rather an emotion or conflict anthropomorphized.

as for the characters, Ralph and Vanellope were PERFECT. Vanellope is my favorite and she was just amazing. Their characters were the right amount of the same from the first movie and different, since there’s been 6 years for them to grow. I’m also really happy that Felix and Tammy were in RBTI, though I wish they were in it more. I mean, this was Ralph and Vanellope’s movie, but most of Tammy’s appearances were just for comedic affect, in my opinion. They also seemed way different, but I guess that’s marriage? It’s as if their character-specific dialogue and quirks were toned down. Maybe after a second viewing it’ll make more sense to me.

My only other complaints are that when Ralph accidentally finds the comment section of BuzzTube, his reaction and that whole scene didn’t add much to the story. I think it was important, especially given Ralph’s past, but it was so short. Ralph seemed to have forgotten all about it after the scene ended. The comments and toxic parts of the Internet play a much bigger role than that, so I wish it was addressed better. I also thought it was weird that we didn’t get any clear context as to why Mr. Litwak got Wifi in the first place. I mean, I assumed it was to get an online presence for the Arcade, but i don’t think that was actually addressed. Of course thats a minor thing compared to my previous comment. 

The last thing I noticed is that the main conflict of the movie, the steering wheel of Sugar Rush breaking and how they’d need to buy a new one or Sugar Rush would be gone for good, was introduced too soon. I think this was done because there was so much content to get through within 2 hours, and I know that the main premise was involving the Internet, so staying in the Arcade would defeat this purpose. It’s just that to me it all sort of fell into place a little too easy and fast. Also, Vanellope feeling trapped in a boring loop of her game and other feelings from the characters in the beginning were told rather than shown. I know already mentioned that I thought certain things weren’t “explained” well enough, but I mean that like, both visually and through dialogue. With the emotional parts of the movie’s conflicts, I think those developed well once Ralph and Vanellope got into the Internet, but it seemed “presented” almost at first. Again, I only saw it once and its not totally fresh in my mind anymore, so maybe after seeing it again it’ll clear this up.

okay so as for the aesthetic and animation of RBTI it was GORGEOUS!!! I love how Disney/Pixar can take things like the Internet or your brain (like in Inside Out) and turn them into working cities/structures that are creative and make sense! I really like that Pop Ups are maneuvered by sentient beings like street salespeople, since the feeling of online popups and ads is the same! Also, the Dark Web being the underbelly of the Internet “city” and all the avatars are dressed like theyre in Incognito mode is amazing. i also LOVED the viruses, since they looked like gross, scary, creepy fictional bugs or visual germs (they reminded me of Osmosis Jones in a way). How the viruses functioned, at least the Insecurity Virus, made sense for how I think most people imagine computer viruses to act. I honestly don’t know how that stuff happens, and I bet Disney knew most of their audiences dont either, so they took some artistic liberties with that in mind. But the virus was a clever plot device because it literally detected insecurities, both in that Ralph/Vanellope were insecure about their friendship, and neither of them “belonged” in the Internet.

ANOTHER THING is when Shank and her crew had to fight the Slaughter Race players, the distinction between player and NPC was clear and funny. It felt very GTA to me. How they handled Slaughter Race in general was great, since it was obviously a violent video game, but they didn’t tone it down too much to loose that feeling. I think it would’ve been cool to see cars and buildings “update” like they do in some games, too. OH the way that the Virus Ralphs joined together to make the Giant Ralph and that they kept moving to make the entire thing kinetic was SO CREEPY BUT COOL!!! that must have taken forever to animate.  I also noticed that on the Giant Ralph the little virus dudes were like laying down or posed a certain way to give the impression of different textures or colors on Giant Ralph, which is amazing!!! the filmmakers and animators paid so much care to the look and feel of this movie and it really paid off.

okay last few things before I forget: all of the main characters were great examples of positive and negative personality aspects that real people could reflect on. Ralph felt so much more openly emotional and body positive than in the first, which for a dude character is great!!  Vanellope has always been a great example of a girl who likes “tomboy” or “masculine” stuff but still likes cute and “girly” stuff (i mean she obviously wasn’t into the whole princess thing but she found her own way around it!). Felix and Tammy in RBTI were obviously an example on how married couples can still love each other just like the day they met! Did i mention how much I love Yesss? I love her SO MUCH!!! she wore a different outfit/hairstyle every time we saw her, she was fun and smart and over the course of the movie grows to actually care about Ralph and Vanellope beyond their Internet fame. the MUSIC was fantastic as always, and I love Imagine Dragon’s song and the Julia Michaels rendition of Vanellope’s song on Slaughter Race.

Just like the first one, this movie was funny, heartwarming, emotional, and really fun!! I hope it gets all the recognition and love it deserves. I can’t accurately say if I like this one of the previous better, since I’ve only seen it once. HOWEVER I ma really glad that Disney has made a lot of merch for RBTI since the first one got barely anything. All in all, I loved Ralph Breaks the Internet!!!!

P.S. Did yall see the after credits scene?

[scriptmedic]

How to Prep for NaNoWriMo

(Or, How I Wrote 30,000 Words in 4 Days to Finish a Novel)

Hey there Scriptaccinos! Welcome back to Aunt Scripty’s House of Mayhem, where we’re getting ready for pumpkin lattes, candy corn, and NaNoWriMo! 

People have asked me more than twice about how I manage to be so productive. I work a full-time healthcare job, and yet, in the last year, I’ve created (85+%) or curated (~15%) over 2,000 blog posts, published 3 books, and written at least 200,000 words of personal writing.

I’m not a superhuman. Actually I’m pretty average. And I’ve set myself an enormous personal challenge — write a trilogy of fiction before the end of 2017. While blogging. And helping you all with NaNo.

On the most recent note, I came into October with 18,000 words of a novel written. I wrote the last 30,000 words and finished the project in four days, while answering bucketloads of blog questions (the last 10 days worth of content was also written in that timeframe), contending with a mild fever, and Life Stuff.  Oh–and I’m about 14,000 words into Book 2 already.

I have been accused of being a machine. I assure you that beep boop boo–

….uh oh. Who found my secret pictures?!

And yet the number 1 request from my readers is the desire that I clone myself. If only I were Tatiana Maslany…

You don’t have to do all the things I’ve been doing to hit those levels of productivity. But a lot of you are doing NaNoWriMo, and I want to give you some advice for how to Get It The F*** Done, Mate.

I’m also going to give you the techniques I use and some of the books that I’ve read that are helping me along the way. I’m constantly striving to improve how much work I get done with the same measly 24 hours as anyone else.

Defend Your Time

Everything demands your attention. Work does. Your cuddlemate(s) do(es). Your TV calls to you. YouTube beckons with lures of dancing cats. Tumblr will eat your soul if you allow it to. 

…establish a writing time. Get up an hour early. Stay up an hour late. Do it on your lunch. Whatever it is, establish a time and defend it. Tell your honey “This is my writing time. This is important to me. I need it.” Sacrifice some TV time. Writing Time is sacred. If you use headphones, put a Post-It on your headphones that say “Writing. Please Do Not Disturb.” (Yes, it’s dorky, but it will work.)

If you need to be in a different physical space to write, go there.

You also have to defend your time from yourself, more than anything. Set an alarm on your phone: This Is Writing Time.  Turn off your internet. Silence your phone. And, once you’ve started writing, put it in another room — or at least out of your sight.

You’ll need about an hour and a half every day for this. Ninety minutes. If you can work for 90 minutes a day, six days a week, you can write this novel in a month. (I actually recommend seven days so you don’t lose momentum.)

If your day is jam-packed, decide what’s truly necessary, and what can be smooshed out of the way to make room for your writing time.

Techniques: The Pomodoro

By far, writing in sprints is the number one way to get your stories done. But word sprints are an art form. They need to be done in a special way.

The point of a word sprint is this: For 25 minutes, you will do nothing but write. Phone Off. Butt in chair. Hands on keys. Write.

The best way to do this is to set a timer on your phone for 25 minutes. (If your phone lets you set up multiple ones, like mine does, set another for 5 minutes; you’ll use this when you’re done with your Pomodoro to take a break.) Don’t listen to music that has words. If you can, I actually recommend putting your phone in another room so that you have to get up to make the beeping go away.

For those 25 minutes, you can do nothing  but write.

When you’re done, I want you to tally up the number of words you’ve written. (I just make a note in Notepad or StickyNotes on Windows with: Starting Wordcount, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. Track how many words you write in each Pomodoro. (It takes about 4 seconds with a Calculator app.)

NaNoWriMo means writing 50,000 words in 30 days, which is scary. But a smaller target is 1667 words in a day. Still daunting? That’s fine. Do 3 Pomodoros with a target of 650 words per 25 minutes. That’s 26 words in a minute, and it will take you an hour and a half to do three of them. (If you can, I highly recommend 4 — I find the 4th Pomodoro is where I start to hit my stride.)

For productivity stuff, I recommend [5,000 Words per Hour] by Chris Fox; you can get this book for free from [his Web site].

Make It A Game.

Humans love games. Our brains think they’re better than crack. Seriously, Mrs Scripty has been playing hours of Bejeweld Blitz lately.

So make your word count a game. How many words did you do in your last sprint? Let’s top it! What’s your strongest day in the month? Top it! Push yourself to write more and write faster. You’ll get more into the zone and sooner than you think you’ll be blinking and going “Wait… did I just win NaNoWriMo?”

Know What You’re Going to Write (Before You Write It)

This is so important. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this helps. If you want to write quickly, this is how you do it. You plan to write, and then you write the plan.

Whoah! you say. Outlining?! you say. I’m a pantser, like my aged grandmother before me! We don’t need no stinkin’ outlines! 

You might not need them. But they help. Especially in a project like NaNoWriMo, or mine (12 Weeks to a Trilogy), knowing where you’re going will help you decide what matters and what has to get written.

I recommend [Take Off Your Pants!] by Libbie Hawker, [Outlining Your Novel] (and the Workbook) by K M Weiland, and [Save the Cat!] by Blake Snyder.

If you plan nothing else about your book, I want you to plan three things:

The Inciting Incident

The Midpoint

The Climax

Do not skip the Midpoint. It will help you. I swears it. (The Midpoint is a big change that causes your character to take things seriously; it’s the big Shit Hits The Fan moment of the middle of the story. It’s a huge false victory or false defeat.) Then all you need to do is get to the next big scene: Write from the “hook” to the Inciting Incident, from the Inciting Incident to the Midpoint, the Midpoint to the Climax, and resolve all the little things after. That’s it. Four easy phases.

A Basic Scene Structure Helps. Really.

A scene is a product of six components:

A Goal — what your hero wants

Some Obstacles — what gets in the way

A Disaster — something catastrophic happens that prevents them from getting their goal (or lets them get what they thought they wanted — for an enormous price)

The character’s Reaction — how they feel about it

A Dilemma — what do we do now after that Disaster?

A Decision — a plan for how to proceed.

That’s it. And the easiest, most helpful thing you can do before writing a scene is give just one sentence to an outline of what you want. Six sentences will get you so far in knowing where you need to take your scene.

Let Yourself Write Shit

First drafts are made to be awful. All of writing is rewriting. You won’t write a good first draft in a month. But guess what? All a first draft has to do to be perfect is exist.

Small Tricks That Really Help:

Research Before or After, Not While, You Write. You don’t have to know everything in the moment. If you need to research something — a gun type, a character’s favorite car, whatever — just [put it in brackets]. You can come back and work on those later.

TK will TKO Your Interruptions. The letters TK are an editor’s mark for To Come. Like brackets, they are magical. Not sure what to name the whizbang gizmo? “Stop or I’ll destroy you with my [gizmo TK].” And move on.

Eat the Elephant Bite By Bite. You’re not writing a novel and you don’t have to write 50,000 words this month. You’re writing one scene, and you’re trying to write 800 words this Pomodoro. That’s it. Miss your 800? Hit it next time.

Take Walks. Your 5-minute breaks between 25-minute Pomodoros? Use those to physically get up and walk around. Don’t stare at the Internet. Go up and down some stairs or go stare at the sunset. Get away from screens.

Leave Tags. When you stop writing, stop in the middle of

a sentence. It makes it so much easier to pick up momentum when you sit down again.

Watch The Movie and Write It Down. It can really help to just picture your scene in your head like a movie, again, before you write. (You can watch it on Fast Forward.) When you sit down to write, just write what you see.

Defend Your Space. Make your own little world. Put in headphones or earbuds and listen to music. I try to either use something appropriate and ambient (like wooden ship sounds for a pirate story) or music set up to be productive (like this upbeat productivity mix).

BONUS!

For all your Scrivener users out there, I made an outlining Scrivener doc!

It has:

A Foolscap outline (to help you with global structure)

Integrated Save the Cat! beat sheet cards (to help you figure out where things belong) with word count targets for 60k, 80k, and 100k projects

Obligatory Scene lists for Thrillers, Redemption stories, and Love stories

Scene cards which include the six-phase scene structure up above.

It’s what I’m using to write the novel I’m currently on, and I think it will help you out. [Here’s where you can download it.]

Also, the structural cards are separate from the Manuscript for the document so that you don’t wind up with random things in your exported ebook/docx/whatever.

[Download It Here]

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

[10 BS Medical Tropes that Need to Die Today]

[Maim Your Characters: How Injuries Work in Fiction]

[Blood on the Page Volume One: A Writer’s Compendium of Injuries]

How to Prep for NaNoWriMo was originally published on ScriptMedicBlog.com

[ninjabgwrites-blog]

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 realizations

Though the MCU isn’t in the list of fandoms at the top of my page, I still love and watch the movies since the first Captain America movie. I just don’t produce any content about it specifically (why I don’t list it) because I haven’t gotten any inspiration for what I might do, but that could change in the future.

Alright, so I know this movie came out a while ago, but I’ve watched it several times and I realized something that made me scream inside so you guys have to scream with me. This is sort of a theory about the opening scene of the movie. Spoilers ahead about Ego and Peter’s mom (and a reveal near the end of the movie as well) under the cut just in case you haven’t seen the movie.

I randomly got the song that Peter’s parents sing stuck in my head, and it made me think of the beginning scene when they’re driving to that Dairy Queen and head behind it to talk about the weird flower thing. (That scene made me think he was some sort of botanist that just really loved plants at first, tbh, and seeing his planet later, but I was SO HORRIBLY WRONG) Something about that scene that always seemed jarring to me yet I took for granted at first was that something just felt off about the scene (and most scenes with Ego in them, honestly, they’re just... idealistic yet empty if that makes any sense), especially how the flower’s roots spread down into the earth right after Ego and Peter’s mother started kissing, and how when the camera zoomed in on the flower, what we see is eerily reminiscent of what the inside of the human body looks like at a microscopic level.

Cinematically, it was a good transition to the rest of the film, and it fits very well with the overtones of the movie on the whole, but after watching it a few times the scene takes on a new meaning. Especially because of how callous Ego is revealed to be. I wondered, is there anything symbolic about this scene? Because as with most things in GotG2, at first glance both this scene and the entire plot of the movie seem relatively simple. The movie focuses on many many characters for short amounts of time, but it makes those interactions count, and so much more is implied than you might think at first. There’s many blink and you miss it moments where something could suddenly bring things into perspective and make a lot more sense, or random, seemingly throwaway bits of dialogue that end up being very important.

Back to my point, at first I thought that jarring scene was just the flower was an extension of Ego, so that’s why it looked like synapses and blood vessels and all sorts of biological things that don’t look like plants do microscopically. Ego’s planet is similar, the outside looks like plants, but inside it’s structured very much more like an animal is, though there is a mishmash of other things in the mix as well, like more plants and also what looks to be stone and geological formations. Ego very much cobbles together the things about himself from what he observes, both physically and in his personality. But then I realized, when we see that flower, that scene, there’s something taking root, something invasive that’s not natural and shouldn’t be there, and that something is part of Ego’s quest and ultimate plan. Ego is extraordinarily selfish and manipulative. He has no problem hurting however many people to get what he wants, and though his motivations are boiled down to the most basic and simple motivations a living thing could have - to reproduce and multiply and spread - it’s his actions and what he is capable of doing to achieve those goals that make him an interesting villain.

He is exactly the kind of person who is capable of kissing a woman he professes to love all while putting a fatal tumor inside her brain. There seems to me to be a heavy link between the tumor and the flower. They start kissing right above the flower. The flower suddenly starts to take root and spread, and we get a glimpse of something very organic, but not in the way it seems it should be. In the first GotG movie, we see a scene related to Peter’s beginnings and his mother’s demise. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the second movie reflected that and continued that theme, and it’s extremely possible that Peter could have already been conceived and we were seeing what was Ego’s last visit.

Everything about Ego is presented in the most beautiful and positive light possible - on the outside. He has a rugged, adventurous appearance and personality that someone like Peter would be drawn to. The initial reasons we get for him wanting to find Peter seem noble, a father wanting to reunite with his son and something Peter has wanted for a long time. The surface of planet looks like a wonderland, extremely beautiful and compelling, something that drops people’s guard and impresses them. Those strange statue pictures he shows to Peter when he’s telling his life story, his quest and purpose in life, are made to show him as someone who is peaceful and loving and selfless in just wanting to be with other living beings and his son. And the opening scene seems to portray him in a positive light to not just the characters, but the audience as well. It gets uglier when you go even a little past the surface, which is why I initially thought he was shallow and one dimensional even without knowing what was going to happen next, and I was both right and wrong in different ways.

I don’t think Ego would have cared about sticking around to see his wife be pregnant like we were shown in the idealistic statue scene, and I don’t think he would care about watching his son be born when you take into account how many other children he’s had and what he ultimately did to all of them (and was planning to do to Peter as well). Tumors do not often kill immediately and some can grow rather slowly, and given how proficient he is at constructing biological things, I have no doubt he could design a very specific tumor with which to kill Peter’s mother. One that wouldn’t kill or weaken her until after she’d given birth and raised Peter to the point where he could survive without a mother, and in the same fell swoop undermine her sanity just to cover his tracks. (I can’t help but also remember the beginning scene of the first movie, where she says he looked like an angel made of pure light, a form we see him use once he discards his physical body, and something that greatly disturbs the rest of Peter’s family. Who would believe a woman with a brain tumor had really had a child with a ‘spaceman’/angel made of light? I say this bitterly, by the way. Though Ego is interesting as a character, I don’t like him one bit and feel very bad for Peter’s mother).

So though it seems simple and goes by so quickly, there’s quite a lot in just the first scene of the movie, and I can’t help but wonder whether we’re seeing the flower grow or the tumor; either way the event that sets the tone for the movie and Peter’s life.

[ortheaux]

i originally wrote this post to talk about the gathering on wednesday where a bunch of us met up for the first time since we flew out to the riviera for my birthday (except for our christmas party obviously), because i had to talk to my friends about the incident after the xmas party, and it was the first time i had to face it in front of a group. it was a big thing as it was my first speedbump since my ptsd breakthrough and the upwards trend of healthy growth and activity in my life - but tumblr’s new feature where it allows you to delete WHOLE paragraphs of text at once literally deleted the WHOLE of the beginning of the post, so my original process as it happened was lost and i was super gutted about it! but the gist is, we needed to discuss it so that that person wouldn’t accidentally be invited to our gatherings because the fact is, that person crossed a big line of trust, and displayed a complete disrespect for both me and my relationship and what i want, after i had constantly expressed not reciprocating their feelings, so to wait until i was black out drunk that december, ply me with alcohol and seize an opportunity to push for one moment, to force vulnerability the only way they seemed to know how instead of respecting me as a friend was completely unforgivable and it was a big signal that the person needed to be purged from my life, as they erased all the good things about our friendship for that one shitty, desperate moment to get at me and ignore what i wanted. so, i gave my friends the basics, but all the feelings of pain and betrayal actually affected me really negatively, and i had felt really shaky and awful when i got home afterwards, which surprised me because i realised that i hadn’t really processed it enough to sit in front of our friends and admit how naive i had been, as they had warned me of something like this happening because of that person’s vibe coupled with their feeling towards me, but it was difficult for me to swallow having had such a long term friendship with that person already. i had advocated hard for that person and gotten burned, and i hadn’t confronted the reality of what that meant until the moment i was sitting in front of them, and that’s not even to mention the dormant pain of the loss of nearly a decade of friendship and the pure betrayal and confusion about trust that were bubbling underneath the surface of the box i’d stored the incident away in. point is, it all came to a head, and i felt like it was a big crossroad, in terms of how i would decide to deal with this big injection of an unhealthy event and the feelings attached to it, as it was my first speedbump. would i retreat into unhealthy coping mechanisms? would it steamroll me and make me backslide? the time to find out was that night, the next day and whether or not it would paralyse me or push me to look inwards, and forge myself another path to be able to continue to grow. the rest of this post is from the morning after, where i talk about my process and where i went from there.

so anyhow i’m meant to be catching a movie with czes later on and my body and mind feel super lethargic and heavy, which is all the more reason to 

- yank it the hell out of bed, and implement a schedule for eating today starting with breakfast, so as not to let mental lethargy give way to ptsd-brain meal skips, - exercise bike for 20 minutes (as it always makes me just feel really good and gets my blood pumping!),  - jump in the shower but change back into pyjamas for a while and just have a nice read of my new book from elizabeth on the sofa with some tea and incense, as that’s happy place + a spot of escapism + a gift from a dear friend, then just relax until it’s time to get ready to go - making sure to wear some flowy, comfortable clothes (likely a blouse) and minimal makeup (as fussing will stress me out a bit) - and then we can go and hit the swanky cinema! we’re going to one with sofas instead of seats and restaurant food instead of cinema bites so it should be really chill and is perfect for my headspace i think.

i genuinely find that when i start to feel really stressed or am overwhelmed by something, anxiety can make the mind race a mile a minute and it can turn my thoughts into a huge jumbled ball of noise and mess, all the letters from the sentences morphing and becoming tangled, and that can turn into full blown ptsd panic episodes if i give in to it, OR inversely my unhealthy protective instinct/coping mechanism is to shut down and it switches off the lights on the messy, tangled thoughts/emotions/feelings ball, but firstly, the ball just stays there and waits for me in the dark and secondly, it switches off the lights on everything nice going through my mind too, all my pleasant/happy feelings having to get through the ball to get to me and they arrive diluted, completely watered down! so i’ve found that making lists and schedules is actually a really effective way for me to avoid both of those routes. route 1 and route 2 are where my unhealthy brain goes, and route 3 is where i’m training my brain to go during a speedbump or crisis. making a list helps me to stop and examine the ball, untangle it one by one and organise/line out the most poignant or important thoughts and issues in straight, concise lines, so i can comprehensively map out what i’m going to actively do about each thing, and WHEN i’m going to do it, separating out which things i can change and which things i need to talk about or approach differently, which i can actively do once these things are ironed out clearly in front of me in plain text, without the panic and confusion or any pressure of anyone else’s involvement or expectations. the schedule is then written for each individual point/thing as it again makes things clear and precise as to the course of action, and i can actively tick them off and that’s how i work best, as well as it offering a huge amount of structure to what previously was an overwhelming mess of increasingly incoherent feelings and ideas tangled together, and i make them for things both large and small. so the structure for today is there to organise and relax me after yesterday, and even having a small schedule to relax (which i know sounds really odd but productivity is relaxing to me so it’s just really helpful) has made me feel tonnes better within myself already, and now i feel more confident about moving through this! it’s just a process of practising grounding techniques for the initial overwhelming feelings and the rising panic, and then a way for me to anchor myself and organise and structure myself in the best way that suits and relaxes me, lining it in tune with my affinity for productivity and small goal achievements leading to a bigger personal accomplishment. seems simple i guess, but i’ve found that thinking comprehensively is 100% the best way to nip the big things in the bud for me personally, and i’m genuinely thankful to have found a structured and personally tailored way out of being walled in and stuck, helpless to my disorder.

i wanted to make sure i documented how i felt about this whole thing, because i know that it really affected me and because it was the first bump since a fairly consistent upward period of building for me, which is always actually quite a make or break time, as well as a test of how much growing i’m really doing, and frankly whether or not i’m just being grandiose about having a few good weeks, only to backslide and fall back into unhealthy cycles etc. i put that processing/metaphor bit in as some insight as to how i see the feelings of my disorder and anxieties as they manifest in real time, and how i come to make certain decisions and work with or around my disorder for anyone that wants to know, and i figure that even though it’s not super articulate and involves a bunch of visualisations and disjointed metaphors, it is written in my mental processing language and if it helps even one person understand me a bit better, that’s great and counts towards my goal of staying away from closing off and walling everyone out(and myself inside!), making myself more accessible and easy to understand, and if it helps someone else in the way of solidarity or putting a little mental picture to a process they couldn’t verbalise, then that’s pretty cool!!

so, that’s enough waffling i think - i’ll have you know i’m on a schedule! 😉✨

[nofomoartworld]

Hyperallergic: Why Patti Smith Writes

Patti Smith (photo by Steven Sebring)

Patti Smith knows her new book, Devotion (Yale University Press, 2017), isn’t for everyone, but it’s a gift for those who get it. “I think the kind of people who will like this book — because I think a lot of people won’t like it or will dismiss it — are people who like to read and are curious to see how a piece of work comes together,” she tells me. By turns allegorical, metaphysical, fictional and factual, Devotion shows rather than tells what it means to give a life to writing. A master of poetic innovation, Smith takes her style to the next level in this slim volume, embedding a tragic short story between an autobiographical introduction and a shorter essayistic coda, which demonstrate how her direct experience traveling around Europe alchemized into a short story.

I first encountered Smith’s work when I was in my early twenties. Like so many people before me, it gave me permission to do what I wanted to do, reminded me that it had never been easy and testified to the power of love. Sometimes, in the ensuing years I would pick up a book of hers mid heartbreak or writer’s block, post coitus or cry, and flip to a random page. Smith’s words brought inspiration and guidance without fail.

With the release of Devotion, she formalizes the guidance many have sought from her. I had the chance to speak with her directly. Our conversation roved from spiritual practice to mentorship to musicality and back.

Katherine Cooper: How do you begin a book?

Patti Smith: Well with this little book, Devotion, the genesis was a talk I was invited to give at Yale about writing, and then the idea was that I was supposed to expand the talk into an essay about writing. How I set to work with Robert’s book was, again, not something that I chose. I had promised Robert, the day before he died, that I would write our story. I had been mostly unpublished (still am) so it was a bit daunting to start such a big nonfiction project. I wrote many, many chronological outlines trying to remember everything that I could. M Train was much more fun. The cowpoke in M Train is really Sam Shepherd and Sam and I talk about writing all of the time. I had this dream about him and then I just decided to see if I could sit day after day writin’ about nothing, no plot or anything, you know, just writin’, to see what happened.

KC: It’s interesting to hear you call Just Kids “Robert’s book”— you’ve said that you see the making of art as a gift. Devotion is dedicated to Betsy Lerner, but who is it for more broadly?

PS: I dedicated it to Betsy because she has been my editor since Just Kids. It took me so long to write that book that I was actually dropped by the first publisher, which was Doubleday, and Betsy continued on with me. She also eventually left Doubleday and she became my agent and continues to be my guide. But I suppose it’s to people who like to read or people who are writing.

KC: Eugenia, your central character in the story, is born with a natural gift for ice skating. It’s in vogue right now to think of creativity as innate to everyone—I wonder if you think that some people are just born with talent and some aren’t?

PS: A creative impulse doesn’t have to blossom as art. But absolutely some people are born with special gifts and they can be excruciating and cause a great amount of sacrifice. What it means is that you go through life sometimes with a half life because at least half of your life is devoted to practicing, working, developing your craft. Many people can learn things but I think there are others who, for whatever reason, have a calling— it’s in their blood, their ancestors had a specific affinity towards a certain thing, or [they’re] touched by God. It doesn’t make them more valuable than another person, but people do have gifts. And then there is the lack of gifts. I would love to speak language, for instance, but I can’t speak anything really except English — yet there is a cashier at the deli down the street who can speak fourteen languages and I keep telling him, “you should work for the UN!” He’s a polymath.

KC: Yeah I was gonna say he’s not only a cashier, he’s a polymath.

PS: He’s not a cashier, he just plays one on TV.

KC: This book is in many ways the first book you’ve written that’s not devoted to someone that you have been involved with — Robert Mapplethorpe is the central figure in Just Kids and your late husband Fred Sonic Smith is in M Train ….

PS: The story is called Devotion, but what [Eugenia] is devoted to is not a love interest. The love interest to me in this little book is writing. And for her, her love interest is skating. It’s one’s craft.

KC: I was paging through M Train again, after I read Devotion. I was struck by a line the Cowpoke says right at the beginning: “The writer is a conductor.” Devotion has a musicality to it. It’s almost like a fugue. I was curious what role musical form or music played in how you structured this book, if it did at all.

PS: In the beginning, I’m talking about this film, In The Crosswinds, about the Estonians. If you felt like it, you could go to the YouTube and see the trailer. You hear a voice, the voice of Erma. I don’t know the Estonian language but this girl had the most lyrical voice and it haunted me like a musical refrain. I’m sure that in the book I talk about it: “Luckily traffic is thin as we enter the Holland Tunnel. Relieved, I sink back into the voice of Erma. I imagine writing a story guided by the atmosphere of the particular resonance of a particular human voice — her voice — no plot in mind, just trailing her tone, timbres and composing phrases as if music and superimposing them, transparent layers, over hers.” I didn’t have music in my head per say but I had that musical quality of her voice as my inner voice for that story. That was just something I did that I figured no one would notice.

KC: Rhythmically it feels so distinct as opposed to the other two parts.

PS: Also, I wrote the whole story on a train, so I think that also comes into play.

KC: The title of the series “Why I Write” gives the illusion that you might be in for a straightforward answer but —

PS: Well, I think that the last line of the book answers it as well as it could be answered. My answer is the same as [Eugenia’s] answer: “We write because we cannot simply live.” I can’t even go to the bathroom without a book in my hand. I have to have a book with me, or a notebook, and I’ve been like that for most of my life. You know, being an artist is like being a double agent. You’re trying to move through life with full attention but you can’t because something happens that triggers an idea. I’ll be sitting at a concert listening to Beethoven and my mind makes up a story and then I feel compelled to write it instead of listening to Beethoven. It’s that dual thing. You wanna engage fully in life and give your loved ones your full attention but often you just can’t.

KC: Somebody once said to me, “When Patti speaks she incants; very few people have that ability.” How do you cultivate a practical relationship with the divine in your writing and performing?

PS: We always aspire to something higher. As a child, it seemed to me disappointing to be in a world where everything was already figured out and there was nothing more to want to achieve than making a living. My mother taught me about god before I went to Sunday school. That to me was very liberating, the idea that there was some higher force. I didn’t really have any expectations or idea of what god was, it was simply that there was something to aspire to, something that kept on going, that was infinite.

It might be as something as practical as you’re on stage and you flub something, so you just draw from some part of you for everyone to have a good laugh to transcend this rough moment and then it becomes a courageous act instead of just a piece of humiliation. Other times it’s something deeper. The way I practice communing with this other aspect, this intimate aspect, is forever changing, Sometimes it’s just talking to my mother. Sometimes it might be very abstract prayers that have no words and sometimes it might come through in a piece of work. I don’t have any specific belief system or expectations. I just believe.

KC: As I was reading this book I was thinking about the relationships of mentorship and inspiration that are peppered throughout it. You find yourself at this moment becoming an inspiration and an icon for young artists specifically — it seems like a lot of people are turning to you for answers. In my view, your work presents questions and mystery. I wonder — do you share some of your characters’ ambivalence about mentor status?

PS: Eugenia has two mentors — Maria and Alexander — but in the end the one she believes in the most is herself. She keeps showing them that she’s her own person. She has a vision that might be beyond their grasp.

It’s the mentor’s duty to let his acolyte go on without them and hopefully eclipse them. Sometimes people thank me because they say, I helped them get on the right track or something of that nature and I always tell them, “I’m glad that I was of service but you would have found it on your own.”

Sometimes [people] hold you in reverence or something and that’s a very nice thing but I think it’s really important to say “Thank you but may you eclipse my own efforts.” Or, “may you do something totally different. I have no desire to be a leader of a cult or anything. I’m a responsible person but I don’t wanna have the responsibility of all these people. I want them to be responsible for themselves and believe in themselves. I’ve been inspired by hundreds of people, thousands of books, songs and movies. Even in this little book it was Patrick Modiano and Simone Weil and the little Russian skater, all these different factions in the cauldron of my brain stirring it up and that’s what came out — this little story and this little book.

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