Seize the Day (or Night) Part 1
Title: Seize the Day (or Night) Part 1
Author: @sea040561
Beta’d by: @sofreddie (Thank you again!!!)
Pairing: Jared x Reader
Summary: Jared finally has the courage to reveal how he feels
Word Count: 7178 for both parts (I couldn’t seem to stop with this one lol)
Warnings: verbal abuse, angst, crying, pregnancy
Author’s Note: For @gone-to-fight-the-fairies writing challenge - Supernatural's Summer of Heroes Challenge. My quote was “When are we going to talk about this unspoken thing between us?” - Peter Quill - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2
It was mid-September and Supernatural was currently filming Episode 12 of Season 13. Y/N stood to the side and watched Jared, Jensen, and Misha interact together as Sam, Dean, and Cas. You knew Episode 12 was the most intense episode of what they had filmed for Season 13 so far. With the exception of Episode 1, this episode was filled with so much fear, anguish, and distress.
Glancing at Jared, your thoughts reflected on the grief, agony, and misery you had been feeling when you returned to set for Season 13. You were Head Chef of craft services for the set. Over the last few years, you had learned which foods cast members preferred and which foods they were allergic to as well as turn the cast and crew into guinea pigs for new recipes you dreamed up. Before hiatus had begun, you decided you were going to take cooking class over the course of two nights a week, for a total of six weeks.
Because the class and the homework you were assigned took up a lot of your time, your boyfriend, Hunter, had become angry. He felt that you were ignoring him in favor of “feeding those douchebag actors on that moronic tv show”. Before the class, you had expressed to him, in excitement, that you wanted to learn some new recipes to cook for the set. He didn’t quite agree with you. After the third time he showed up at your house unannounced, he had found you cooking, again! The first two times you were also cooking. He made a split decision to break up with you, yelling at you that you had to have gained at least 50 lbs in the last year that you had been dating. All because of the “asinine cooking”, in his words.
Y/N y/e/c teared up as a knot formed in your throat as you continued to remember the break-up. You quickly brushed away the slowly forming tears in your eyes as memories flooded your mind. No one on set had known you had a boyfriend. Hunter didn’t bother ever visiting you on set and you never bothered telling anyone about him. It was easier that way because the relationships never worked out. In fact, all of your boyfriends initiated the break-ups in each relationship. All of your exes had claimed the same reason - that you were too fat, despite the fact that you were fat when they met you. Contrary to popular stereotypical belief, you had, in fact, not gained more than 10 to 15 lbs in the last 5 years. Sighing, you softly chuckled to yourself as you proceed back to Craft Services to start the preparations for the next meal.
Jared quickly glanced up spying Y/N walking back to Craft Services. He was waiting for a scene reset for the next take and noticed you leaning against the farthest wall. Jared had determined that when you needed to relax, watching a scene being shot did it best. His eyebrows furrowed as he thought back to the filming the first episode of the season. For most of the day, you had been watching filming. Several times, he caught you looking at your phone with a sad look on your face. He noticed you frequently rubbed your eyes. At first he thought that something in the air was irritating your allergies but then Jared realized every time you rubbed your eyes it had been after you were looking at your phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y/N had been working at Craft Services since Season 9.
Jared loved your enthusiasm for cooking. For discovering new recipes to experiment with. The happiness it brought. Both to Y/N and the cast and crew.
Jared was greeted each morning with your wonderful, sunny disposition as his groggy ass dragged himself to get coffee. He was actually worse in the morning before he drank his coffee, not Jensen. The fact that you make a mean cup of joe as well as tasty morning donuts is what kept him alive.
Over the years, the cast and crew became a close knit tight family. Hiatuses were spent grilling, swimming, jet-skiing, laughing, dancing, and going on family vacations. The activities were endless.
As Jared was able to spend more time with you, he realized that you were a stubborn, fierce-loving woman. That you would stand up for your point of view without degrading anyone else’s. That you would defend your friends no matter what. That you didn’t tolerate racism, prejudice, and bigotry in any way, shape or form.
But ultimately, you were an excellent support system for your sister who suffered from bi-polar disorder.
That statement right there is when Jared had realized he had fallen in love with you. He never once questioned the validity of his love. Y/N knew that Jared suffered from clinical depression and severe anxiety. You never treated him with kid gloves. That is what he really liked about you. Because it was familiar territory for you, you could understood how difficult times could be.
Now, Jared’s heart is hurting as he watches the resigned look on Y/N’s face as you leaned against the wall watching them film. He knew something was going on and he didn’t like it at all.
Jensen had urged Jared to tell you about his feelings. Jensen had long ago developed suspicions about your private dating life. Even though you never expressed it, he knew the constant comments about your weight affected you. Only someone like Jensen, who had perfected the “everything is totally fine” look, couldn’t miss the miniscule flinch in your eyes and the grinding of your teeth. He had never discussed any of this with Jared because he was almost positive that Jared was just as observant.
As Jared remembered his conversation with Jensen, he made the spontaneous decision to take the bull by the horns and change his destiny.
“Do you think we can take a five minute break?” Jared asked Jensen apprehensively.
“Why?” Jen questioned as he followed Jared’s gaze. He realized that Jared was watching Y/N walk back to Craft Services.
“I know you can see it. Something is going on with Y/N. Have you noticed how out of sorts and sad she has been over the past few weeks?” Jared answered.
Jensen hesitated in answering him but then quickly nodded his head affirmatively.
“I want to go over and talk with her,” Jared proceeded, “I’m determined to find out what is going on. She is usually so bubbly and happy. Always has a kind word for everyone.”
Jensen patted Jared on the back, “I’ll make sure we get a ten minute break. You go talk to Y/N.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You glanced up as you could see movement out of the corner of your eye. Your heart started to pound as you spied Jared walking towards you. You could see the look of concern on his face. Immediately, your mind started to race wondering if you had done something wrong. You took a deep breath as you steeled yourself for the onslaught of what was known as Moose. Every time you talked with Jay, you had to put steel walls around your heart so you never let it known that you were crushing on Jared. If you can even call it that when you are an adult, and not a teenager. Knowing that it wasn’t a probability that Jared wanted to go on a date with you, you continued to look for the next best thing. Except they were all duds. You wondered why you tortured yourself with going out with these men who never appreciated the wonderful person that Jared said you were.
You smiled brightly as Jay stopped in front of you, “Hey, Jared, how’s filming today?”
“It is going well. Jen and I seem to be nailing each scene on the first take. So we would probably be done early today,” He responded.
“Well, that is good to hear,” you said as you smiled up at Jared, “So what are you going to do since you will have an evening to yourself?”
Jared looked at you searching your eyes for the sadness he had seen there earlier. To his surprise, he realized that you were smiling and happy while talking to him. There was no sign of your earlier sadness. He continued to map your face with his eyes gauging your emotions.
“Well, I wanted to invite you over for some pizza and movies since we both have off tomorrow,” He stated as he smiled brightly.
“Oh,” you replied, “With Jensen and Misha too?” There was no way he would invite you over by yourself so you just assumed Jen and Mish were invited as well. You know that they usually do a poker night with the guys working on the set.
Jared stuttered unexpectedly, scaring himself in the process. After he cleared his throat, he began to talk, “No, Jen and Mish have plans with their wives tonight.” lying easily.
“Oh, Dani and Vicki are in town?” You inquired.
“Uh, yes,” Jay replied, “but just for one night.” Considering how nervous he was, Jared was surprised he was able to lie with ease. Jared watched as you contemplated his offer.
“Can I pick the movie?” You pleaded. You didn’t know how you were going to do this. Just being alone with Jared, while on set, was jarring enough but you had no idea how you’d feel once you were in his house watching movies and eating pizza. You figured you had nothing to lose. Once Jared sees you wolfing down the pizza, he will realize what a fat-ass you are. He will question why he even bothered hanging out with you. Besides romantic relationships, your friendships often ended in same way. People seemed to always get tired of your constant need for reassurance. That you were too much to handle, both figuratively and physically.
Jared watched the emotions flitting across your face. He had hoped you would say yes. He was surprised that you asked if you could pick the movie. How could he say no to that, “Most definitely! I have a ton of movies at home, plus On Demand. You can even go to Redbox to rent something else.”
You smiled joyfully as you heard Jared agree that you could pick the movie tonight. Now you just had to think of the right one to choose.
“Bring some pjs and clothes for tomorrow in case you are too tired to drive home tonight. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you,” Jared said.
Your E/C eyes widened in shock then narrowed as you searched Jared’s face. There was no way he was interested in you. NO FUCKING WAY but Jay’s next words stupefied you.
“When we are going to talk about this unspoken thing between us?” Jared asked. Before you could address him, he replied, “Tonight,” as he pivoted on his heel and ran back to set not giving you a chance to respond.
You knew with the end of the day shoots and cleaning up the craft services area that you wouldn’t be talking to Jared the rest of the day.
Jensen walked by quickly, snagging a coffee, as he proceeded to set, “Y/N, are you okay?” He noticed you looked a little stunned. He suspected it was from Jared’s conversation with you. He had to keep the smirk off his face or you would question him.
You sighed deeply, “Yeah, Jen. I just need to figure some things out. No big deal.”
“Well, if you ever need to talk, you know I am here for you,” Jen offered as he lightly squeezed your shoulder in reassurance.
Before you could comprehend, Jensen was out of your line of sight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As you stood in front of your closet, you contemplated what to wear. Was this a date? Or was it just friendship? ‘Nah, it definitely isn’t a date,’ you thought to yourself. Jared was just taking pity on you. Everyone probably thought you never dated because you never mentioned anything to anyone on set. Once in awhile, you did go out with the cast to loosen up a little bit but not much since most of your boyfriends, especially Hunter, forbade you. You feigned exhaustion most of the time. Your days on set were just as long as the boys’.
Reaching for your sleeveless black and white summer dress, you slipped it on and slid your feet into a pair of your flip flops. You applied minimal makeup - eyeliner and mascara - and spritzed yourself with body spray. You laughed to yourself wondering why you were even bothering. Most of the men you had dated never noticed the effort you put forward to look beautiful, if you could call yourself that. But with the slow help of your therapist, psychiatrist, and the appropriate medications, you were gradually trying to change the way you think about yourself and your relationships with others. It was an uphill battle but you were determined.
Taking a final deep breath, you grabbed the wine you had bought, your purse, your duffle bag and started the journey to Jared’s house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jared smiled as he fluffed - yes, fluffed - his hair as he stared into the mirror. He was determined to find out what was going with Y/N. He had known Y/N for a little over four years, but started developing feelings for her about two years ago. He had been hesitant to reveal his feelings for Y/N because she never gave any indication of reciprocating them. The least he could do was extend his friendship to her. A person would have to be blind not to see that something was going on with Y/N.
However, he hoped this night would end up the way he always dreamed - with her in his arms and her lips on his.
Jared grabbed his newest Pearl Jam tee shirt and slipped it over his head. He then slid on a brand new pair of lounge pants.
He figured he would wait to order the pizza when Y/N arrived so he proceeded to the living room where his two dogs, Arlo and Paige, were sleeping. He knew that Y/N loved dogs so he wasn’t worried about how the dogs would react when Y/N arrived. Besides, she had already met his babies several times before.
Jared glanced at the clock realizing that Y/N would be here in a couple of minutes. He nervously bounced his knee up and down while running his fingers through his hair. God, was he so nervous. He was never this nervous with Sandy, his ex-girlfriend. She never made him feel the things that Y/N does.
Hearing the slam of a car door, Jared’s head jerked up. He heard the soft knock on his front door. Swallowing deeply, he sighed and stood up to open the front door.
Y/N stood in front of him in an amazing black and white summer dress that, in his opinion, hugged all her curves in the right places. One thing that Jared loved about you is that you were a curvy, voluptuous woman. You looked up at Jared with a large smile on your face, “Hi, Jar, I brought some wine” as you held up the bottle you were carrying.
Opening the door wider, Jared stepped to the side to let you in his house. He could see that you were carrying a small duffle bag like he had suggested. Arlo and Paige immediately greeted you with wagging tails. After giving them some scratches and kisses, you ordered them to their doggie beds, missing the look on Jared’s face. Oh how he wished you greeted him in the same way you greeted his babies.
“Ready for some fun,” Jared inquired as he gave you one of his signature Padalecki grins. He practically squeezed the life out of you but you didn’t mind. Anything to stay wrapped in his arms was a bonus. You felt a loss of feeling as Jared pulled away.
“I’m going to put this back in the fridge,” Jared said as he began to walk away, “you get comfortable on the couch. Figure out what you would like on your pizza while I grab some drinks and plates.”
You almost blushed as Jared suggested getting comfortable on the couch. Oh how you’d love to get very comfortable with him, on the couch, or the bed, even the floor. Hell, the kitchen counter even.
Slipping your shoes off, you tucked your feet under you and leaned back into the soft, plush couch sighing. ‘Maybe you will get the courage to tell Jared how you feel tonight,’ you thought to yourself.
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LEGION Recap: 1x06
IT’S A BOTTLE EPISODE. Or, well it’s not strictly a bottle episode, as the definition has gone since it was first a “ship-in-a-bottle episode” on Star Trek. But while this one does have new sets, the use of the old ones, and the reason for why, feels like such a smart, grinning embrace of ~that bottle episode conceptual fun~ that maybe, maybe, this episode has just redefined the term into something more bottled than ever.
Regardless. Like the best bottle episodes, going contained just blows everything wiiiiiide opennn. Smart, and I’m grinning.
In addition to what this episode is doing As Television, there is heaps to unpack in this one in re: its depiction of mental illness and treatment. Which is why I have called on my bff Jen, Legion fan and irl therapist. Jen is in the third year of her PhD program in psychology, and is just out there treating patients and doing research on best practices and generally being a wealth of practical, compassionate psychological insight.
“I knew I was going to adore this episode as soon as I watched the last scene in Ch. 5,” Jen writes. After my request for CONSULT, she happily rewatched Ch. 6 “after spending all day working on an assessment report for my clinic (for like, added thematic immersion).” Her ensuing almost-doctor’s notes will appear throughout this recap, and I’m sure you will appreciate them as much as I DO.
Season 1, ‘Chapter 6’
Hey so WHAT IF everyone we’ve met at Dr. Bird’s Midcentury Commune For Magical Misfits were in fact other patients at Clockworks. What might their thoughts and behaviors look like if mutations were taken out of the equation?
HERE WE’LL SHOW YOU:
Melanie is fixated on the death of her husband, so much so that she has created a fantasy that he’s just frozen in a diving suit, and will come back some day. “But you see it, right?” Therapist Lenny asks, “How you’re the one who’s frozen?”
Ptonomy was powerfully impacted by the death of his mother, and can recall the entire scene in photo-perfect detail. “I like to think I’m a time-traveler,” he says. “I go back, back, back. But all I can do is…watch.”
Cary and Kerry have completely attached themselves to each other, to the point of believing they are mystically connected, even the same person. “Who’s it hurting?” Cary asks. “That’s what I want to know,” Kerry adds.
Walter has anger management issues and a persecuted attitude that he has channeled into being an agent of force (and evil) on the world. Or as Lenny puts it: “You feel isolated by the world but it’s not the world isolating you — it’s you.”
And Sydney…
…isn’t quite buying it.
Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Things I Loved About This Episode: how the rest of the team’s powers manifested as “disorders” (you could probably diagnose them all with Delusional Disorder, Unspecified Type, although you could make a case that Melanie has Schizoaffective Disorder or Complicated Grief and Cary/Kerry are (Co)Dependent Personalities or just a good old fashioned Folie à Deux)
And spinning off that Arrested Development-style disembodied hands statue (amazing), Jen, who double-majored in art history in undergrad, would like to give a shout-out to the therapy office-as-art-form concept. (!!!)
Some other items of note from this opening scene:
- that Dr. Bird is/was a doctor of PSYCHOLOGY, #confirmed
- that I am ever a sucker for that editing trope where one stationary character asks another character a question, and a new one answers it
- that Ptonomy was an Army brat and spent part of his childhood in Germany (in the 80s)
- that I find myself coming back to this one time I was joking around about a mutation story idea, and then tossed out “of course it’s X-Men so it’s ultimately about disability and trauma.” and I don’t know if people talk about the X-Men as a metaphor for trauma survivors as often as they do other sorts of marginalized groups, but it seems especially relevant here, looking at the clear pattern this opening lays out.
- and that I need this sideboard:
uuuuuuugghhhh
After her session we follow Syd off through the corridors of Clockworks, skipping aside to avoid brushing against nurses. Then, with this air of Unfortunately, something catches her eye. At the end of one of the halls is a big dark wooden door, entirely unlike the rest of this facility, and also entirely in the style of David’s childhood home. Oh fabulous. I think I know just what you’re gonna do, show.
Before she can investigate further, Syd gets intercommed to report to the nurses station to take her meds. Which brings us back to that central room, and maaaannnnnn…
HAVE I MISSED THIS SET. Full Fact I had been a mourning a little bit that we only got to spend part of the pilot in Clockworks, as the place has got LOOK. Like that pill light on the nurses station are u seeing this. AAAHH.
Melanie is spritzing a daisy with a tiny golden watering can. Cary and Kerry are playing pingpong with no ball but yes the sound of it, curious. And AMY APPEARS as one of the nurses, oh holy cow, and tells Syd it’s time for a spot-check. She then proceeds to feel her up and it’s…wow yikes. Like, very deliberate and yet disturbingly detached? Eesh [shudders]
Meanwhile, the Carries have a pingpong ball now. Curiouser and curiouser…
Oh, and:
THIS ‘CHAPTER 1′ AU??!!!!
Ptonomy has Lenny’s exact lines, this is wild. David has new ones though, wondering what sort of life this catatonic patient (Flings) might have had before he was institutionalized. “Maybe he loved dogs,” David offers.
“Everybody loves dogs,” Ptonomy responds.
“Not me.”
David, you have a ghost beagle.
Ohhhhh. Oh maybe the recent information we’ve learned about ““King”” is why this you now doesn’t think you like dogs.
Anyway, Ptonomy tells David that it’s irrelevant, because “once the sickness starts” their lives before no longer matter, and their lives after no longer exist. There is only the present, only Clockworks. And there is no dosage, no therapy, no magic cure that will return them. COMMENTARY.
Syd comes over then to sit on the arm of David’s chair — they’re still together here, yay! David delightedly shares with her what is very surely the biggest and best news of his whole day: there’s gonna be cherry pie at lunch.
“That’s uh. I know you love that :)” Syd offers. God, you are such a good partner.
She tries to casually bring up the bedroom door she found, but Dr. Lenny darts in out of nowhere and pulls David off for his session, looming at Sydney a little before smiling gently and peeling off. Listen Aubrey Plaza does a great in-your-face alarming, and she also does a great subtly alarming. GIRL GIVES GOOD ALARM.
In his session, David happily tells psychologist-pants Lenny that he feels good, clear. He starts talking about the rhythm he’s found here, while an illustrative montage gets underway with him putting on a record — incredibly, not “Make Your Own Kind of Music”, because perhaps that would have made this too much like Desmond doing his little routine down in the Hatch on Lost. Actually….Desmond down in the Hatch might not be the worst metaphor for David’s situation right now.
In other news: Lol
Lenny asks if David still feels distant and separated from the world, and he answers that he has somebody now, so that’s no longer a problem. Oo, red flag, that’s not a sustainable change, that’s not rooted in you that’s contingent on another.
But David goes on, explaining: “I just feel in control here.” Oh, fuck yeah, you have brought everyone here for safekeeping! Whiiiiiich is fascinating, because it indicates that actually, Clockworks was the last time David felt like he had a handle on his world. Oh that’s so interesting. The expectations of him were ones he could manage. He felt safe. Or at least, safer, relatively to now.
Of course, this is when Lenny, a Fun Therapist, point-blank asks if he’s ever scared he might lose this feeling of peace and security. Well of course he is. In fact, David sometimes worries that this clarity might be “a symptom of the other part of the disease kicking in.” Mania, Lenny supplies.
Whoa honey are you also bipolar??? What! What!!
“People always talk about the depression side,” David considers, “but it’s the-the other side that…invulnerable feeling, that’s…dangerous.”
Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Everything about mania and its attendant feelings of invincibility being the actual dangerous part of that disorder is spot on.
“I just don’t wanna mess things up you know. Now that I have balance.” David smiles hopefully.
Oh christ.
(Btw her constantly crooked eyeglasses are such a nice touch. This Is A Costume, it says, and also This Person Is Themselves Off-Kilter.)
After the commercial break, we learn that THEIR CAFETERIA IS AN AUTOMAT?
SHUT UP. SHUT UUUUPPPP. THIS SPACE.
David gets two pieces of pie for him and Syd, and ferries them over to their table. But just as he’s about to take a bite, Amy appears and literally tells him: “Stop. No pie for you.” And she just takes it away!!
My notes start wondering aloud at this point about Amy’s role in all this, working towards an idea that she may be (mal)functioning like the part of your mind that restricts you from things. The self-policing.
Anyhow, Syd declares that they won’t eat theirs if David can’t have any, but he insists they go ahead. “It’s just pie,” he says wretchedly, flomping his head down on his arms.
Bun! Hahahahahaaa, oh my god I’m laughing at you but I’m also so sorry. Oh David.
Syd goes ahead and takes a bite, but it’s not until the crunch that she notices her pie is crawling with beetles. Like the strawberries in the white room!!! She tosses it off the table, and then the bugs are ~mysteriously gone~
A fuzzed version of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” begins slowly introducing itself as we pan over the scattered bits of cherry and crust on the floor.
Guys. Do you know that time it is.
Time for another motherfucking
DAAAAAAAANCE SEQUUUEEEEENNNCCEE
In her office, Lenny takes off her glasses, and then TAKES OFF
PLAZZAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAHHHHH
I MADE AN IRL :D FACE FOR THAT ENTIRE THING
This may seem like an unexpected line to follow the remixed James Bond credits from hell, but WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED: We are in a corridor of David’s addled mind, built out of the remembered corridors of Clockworks. The wooden door connects to the the rest of his head, or at least the sequence of rooms and events that have figured heavily in David’s personal mythology. And Lenny has the run of them. She can dance up on ALL of these settings, gyrating on furniture, sweeping things to the floor, and generally just making destructive fucked up merry in David’s memories.
Y’know, there was a time there where it seemed this Lenny was just a facet of David. But actually it turns out that Lenny IS her own self, only her own self (or, their own self?) is not the Lenny from Clockworks, but an Entity, as Cary has it, wearing her face too. An Entity with a consciousness and a point of view and wants. And that is the character Aubrey Plaza is playing now, after her original Lenny got walled. It’s not a variation of Lenny — it’s straight up double-casting. That’s neat.
Anyway, in going through that sequence several glorious times to grab screenshots, I’ve decided my favorite freaky feature is when she swings herself onto the bed with the electrical cord noose. My G O D.
That night in David’s mind, Syd has strange dreams. They are of the previous episode, hey hey. She wakes up to more of the Weeiird Repriiisaals, with David now being the one to appear in her room in the middle of the night (his feet not showing when the door opens this time), David the one bearing a pillow, David the one telling her to budge over.
“Do you ever have that feeling,” Syd asks, “like something’s happened before, except difff…er-ently?” Adorable delivery, Rachel Keller.
Trying a different track, she asks if he’s happy here. David is like oh my gosh of course, I’ve got you, I’ve got my mustard teacup, what else do I need. “I’m not good at…out there,” he explains. “It’s too much, it’s too loud.”
“It’s life,” Syd responds.
David then reminds us all that he ended up Clockworks because he’d tried to hang himself, which is something I’m finding myself freshly confronted with this episode, and struck. It was one of the very, very first things we saw in this show, and it was so early that I don’t think I ever stuck it anywhere? It was loose in my head, and now over time a frame has been built for it, and it’s settled riiiight in, where it now haunts me.
Based on his lived experiences, David has come to the conclusion that maybe he’s not cut out for real life, and that if he can just stay here where things are simpler, with this grounded routine, this little world that’s more manageable for him, he’d like to do that.
But Syd misses the outside life, even with its messiness, even with how hard it is.
The show’s doing that same vertical orientation thing it did when they were in bed in the white room, which is such a good oddly unnerving trick!
“I can’t stay here,” she tells him quietly.
“Not even for me?” David asks, bright and hopeful.
Syd doesn’t respond before the act ends. OOooo.
The next day, Cary & Kerry are playing an adapted psychopharmacological game of checkers where you have to name a drug each time you move a token. Haha, shit.
Almost-Doctor Jen Says: For more timeline weirdness, at least half the drugs they name weren’t developed until the 90s or later:
Abilify (~2002)
Brintellix (~2007)
chlorpromazine (~1950)
duloxetine (~1990)
Citalopram (~1998)
flupentixol (~1965)
Geodon (~2001)
Interestingly, Klonopin, which is what Lenny in Ch. 1 and then Ptonomy in this episode speculate is causing that guy’s drool, actually started being used around 1964, so I really hope Hawley et al. deliberately chose when to add more anachronistic-seeming things for maximum disorientation
The Carries are not too preoccupied with their game though to talk with Sydney about the troubling dream she keeps having.
“I’m in a room. It’s not a room. Full of people I can’t see,” she recounts, just totally nailing What Dreams Are Like.
This is gorgeous btw. This is a freeze, like we are on this for a while as it gently shimmers in place, and somehow that’s so much more beautiful than if this were just one frame of action? Strange.
Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Also appreciated: Sydney’s friends think her dreams are side effects:
Cary: “Clozapine.”
Kerry: “More, Effexor in large doses.”
Instead of responding to this speculation, Syd picks up a green hardbound book from the couch. I am nearly too distracted trying to scope the title (The Cosmic Unfolding) to catch Cary sharing that he dreamt of a giant ice cube, but whoa hi I’m here now! And here for this. This is interesting because Syd is dreaming of where she was when she grabbed David and everything stilled, but CARY is dreaming of the Astral Plane, so, HMM hey. Intriguing.
Recalling her own dreams, Kerry asks if Cary remembers that old movie 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Haha niiice.
“Melanie?” Kerry calls over. “What do you dream about?”
“Love,” she immediately responds. God Jean Smart is funny.
Syd decides to see if this crowd has noticed the door in the hallway. They have not. Adorably, when she asks how a door can be there sometimes but not all the time, Cary starts offering her real (well, theoretical physics) explanations, and then finally a psychological one. Not craziness though — confusion.
Later, Cary and Kerry walk off down one of the corridors together, shoulder to shoulder. Cary pulls out his handkerchief to clean his glasses, then just keeps pulling and pulling—
The Loudermilks Are Gonna Fucking Destroy Me, REPRISE
Cary then tells her to hold that thought, like her laughter I guess, oh jesus that’s the cutest damn thing, while he darts in to use the bathroom. Ohhhh god, fantastic — Kerry waits while he takes care of the boring stuff! Aah the way they keep reworking things in this episode!!
Oh also, side-note: Kerry seems significantly younger here? It’s unusual. Also I haven’t decided yet what to do with the fact that she has the white stripes and Cary the orange. This is KERRY, Live 2 Fight Kerry!
And I sure hope she still has that scrap in her, because eeuughhhh — Walter is watching her. Terribly watching her. I hate it. Kerry starts to get a spooked feeling, but when she turns toward that end of the hall, he’s gone. Cary taps her on the shoulder and she swiftly puts his arm in a self-defense grip, so that’s a good sign, but she’s still spooked when they both turn in for the night. They’re next-door neighbors, obviously, and Cary tells her to knock on the wall if she gets scared. My heart.
These frosted windows between the rooms tho. Totally bizarre as an idea but EXCELLENT in execution.
Cary gets in bed after some sudden brief calisthenics (I laughed so much), and then smilingly knocks back the last two notes of the little rhythm Kerry has sent over. Y’know Jen and I once shared a wall in college, and we had a knock system. One knock meant we were there, two knocks meant all is well, three knocks meant shit’s going down in the common room.
And shit’s going down in Cary’s room: as soon as he closes his eyes he opens them again, because there’s a giant ice cube honing down from the astral side. God that sounds like the Y axis of ship directionality — port, starboard, and astral. Hah alright, adopting that.
The iceberg hovers emeraldly above him, creaking with cold, and yeah, Cary’s gonna touch that thing. But as he reaches for it, this happens:
Omggg. Keeping the bed involved, such a fucking great touch.
Cary slips out of frame for a moment as we spin around with him, and when he returns, HE’S BACK LOOKING LIKE HE DID IN THE HAUNTING OF HALLER HOUSE.
Wait. Oh my fucking god wait, WHEN DID HIS HAIR GO SILVER. Because jesus, it is! It is when we were, and now where [gestures] this is. But it used to be blondish, that wasn’t unusual to see him like that in Clockworks, I’d seen that before!! Oh my god I’ve gotta check, hold on….
It was just in the previous episode…oh heck it happened after he took Kerry back in after her injury.... But it’s not an immediate change — his hair just gradually grays bit by bit, scene by scene, until it’s all silvered by the time he shows up in that Google Hangout in the sky over D3.
Alright so that’s fabulous.
ANYHOW. After the figure in the diving suit doesn’t respond to his hello, he just starts trying other languages. <3 Cary. Eventually he asks about the giant ice cube, and the figure just embodies “sure, this way” and they head off.
Oddly, my instinct is always to refer to this as The Figure in the Diving Suit, even though you’d think I’d just call him Oliver. I’m going to be pleased with this later.
Elsewhere, Sydvid are listening to opera or something while he paints and she reads her book. A thought occurs to Syd about the door, and she brings it up to David again. “I didn’t tell you this, but I heard banging inside, like someone wanted to get out.”
Literally David:
I am dead. Every time someone brings something up that I didn’t want them to and I’m CAUGHT OUT I am going to respond with this image.
Syd goes on, about how for weeks now (WEEKS) she’s felt like this place hasn’t seemed quite real. Maybe this is just…a version of reality?
David sighs anxiously, and asks her to please be careful. Syd’s like, pourquoi? Aaannnd then it starts to come out. Here, wherever the fuck Here is in David’s head, here SYDNEY is the one with delusional thinking and outbursts. Oh holy crap now!
“No,” Syd responds, confused but sure: “that’s you.”
“Me?” David reacts, startled. “Oh no, I’m manic depression!”
He’s IMAGINED HIMSELF into a bipolar disorder, THE GUY WITH THE ACTUAL DELUSIONAL THINKING. Oh my god what do you even DO with that!!!
Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Interesting that he both gives himself a more common/less scary mood disorder and foists his previous diagnosis on Syd.
“Remember all the stories?” David goes on. “Awake for 72 hours straight, the frantic alphabetizing. And then I…tied a knot.”
Honestly he has a pretty dang thorough understanding of himself as a person with manic depression. God I don’t even!!
The record audio is starting to wobble as Syd begins to panic a bit, because WHAT the very fuck. “What are you talking about. You’re schizophrenic. I have an antisocial personality disorder,” she tells him firmly, as he starts to glance anxiously away.
And did u catch that. She kept their things. She doesn’t think this place is real, but she does think their original mental illnesses are. Whaaaat. Go onn.
David, nervous but still cheery, as he’s been here, tries to mediate the situation. He starts pulling up examples from his own MANIC DEPRESSIVE EXPERIENCE to try to relate to what he thinks is going on with Syd right now, and keeps telling her how much better she’s been doing than when she first got here.
Just, this is so TRIPPY and ANXIETY-INDUCING. Can I coin the term double-blind gaslighting?
Syd decides she needs to get away right now, and makes a quick departure to go try to walk it off in the halls. Good luck darlin’.
Not even giving her a shot, one of the walls is immediately sporting this creepy pulsing, rotting soft spot. Syd TOUCHES IT, and it starts to bleed. Her memory flashes to another wall, a very similar wall, with blood dripping down it. Oh my god. Lenny in the wall.
A whole array of moments from the last five episodes then stream through her mind.
Her faaace, oh babe!
This is the moment when Lenny materializes. Or, sorry: Dr. Busker, as David calls her. Disturbingly, the bleeding sore on the wall is still clearly there as they talk.
“Lenny” asks if Syd likes music, and despite her protestations that she should go to bed, insists she try this new music therapy, and puts a big pair of headphones into her hands. Omfg what is gonna be playing on these bad boys.
Oh it’s peaceful. It’s lovely cricket sounds.
“Just listen,” Entity-Lenny says.
Plaza’s like, St. Vincent hair-do, this look, kill me.
Syd starts to driiiffft ooofffff, floooaating horizontal through the corridor as the music goes ALL LILTING among the crickets, Jeff Russo here you go again!
Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Not mental health related, but I need this weird hypno-crickets-choir-synth.
Gosh I love this show. This is gorgeous and strange and eerie and wonderful.
Eyes closed, lost in the songscape, Syd drifts through a door (the door? has to be), and gently lands in David’s childhood bed, the rocket lamp creakily spinning at her side. Aahhh. It’s like they’re each getting sent off one by one, setting down in some other corner of David’s mind!
Still in the maze of Clockworks, Ptonomy dreams of his mother dying while unloading dishes. And Kerry — Kerry jolts up with a gasp. When Cary doesn’t respond to her knock, she goes next door, and he’s not there. His bed is neatly made.
And Walter is in the doorway, eating an apple and quoting shit about baby birds. He steps in, closing the door. No.
“Young,” he comments, looking at her. “But not too young.” N O.
“Careful. I bite,” Kerry returns.
“Hm. Me too,” he says.
So that’s the worst possible response to a back-off threat I’ve ever heard. My stomach just turned to ice.
Walter starts asking her if she’s ever eaten an animal that was still living, the heat of it, and just, g od— oh thank god, she bolts, out the door. Sobbing for Cary, frantic, all alone, oh my god Kerry oh nooo!!!! This show is SO SCARY, what the hell!! DREADFUL.
Somewhere else in Mindworks, David too has stumbled out into the endless corridors. He walks past one little dead end, and the lovey eery crickets song starts to float in, ahhhhh. He backs up, like literally steps backwards until he lines up with the door, then turns.
[grasps at the air like a weirdo] I just fucking love every designed storytelling choice this show makes!!!
David pads up to the bedroom door, tilts his head, and listens.
“NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE,” Nurse Amy interrupts. David’s like ? what..? She helpfully clarifies that his friends only pretend to like him, and secretly they can’t stand him.
Actually you know what Amy is here: she’s not the self-policing voice, she’s the other voice in that genre of Tumblr post where people have conversations with their anxious mind-weasels.
By this point Amy is pretending to vomit just from being around David, eww, and he’s standing there in stunned dismay doing this hilarious puppy dog eyebrows/chin tuck turtle thing, until he starts reaction-gagging and finally splutters out “Stop!” and rushes off.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before in some capacity, but like as a philosophy: how funny I find something = its capacity to emotionally ensnare me. I am heavily involved with this show.
Meanwhile, Melanie waters her miniature garden, which stop-motion-style grows little daisies among the GRAVEYARD that it ACTUALLY IS.
omFG, fabulous
Honestly Melanie Bird as a kitschy plant witch makes a completely off-the-wall kind of perfect sense. What’s that about.
Later, praying in her room, Melanie’s are finally answered: the silent figure in the diving suit appears, standing behind part of her bedroom wall that’s gone translucent. He gestures for her to follow, and tearfully, calmly, she pushes through. At the end of a long hallway she reaches a hatch in the wall, and spins it open. The inside of the window is icy, and just past the threshold it’s David’s bedroom, gorgeously frozen in blue, just as we left it.
Melanie also now looks just as we left her; just as she looks standing a few feet away.
The figure in the diving suit has brought her here to fix a problem. He points at it: the four bullets streaking toward Syd and David. Anyway it’s not til now that I remember David is telekinetic and can apparently freeze the immediate vicinity, so that’s why this situation. Frankly, it’s a good thing they gave him the handicap of being off his rocker because otherwise this character is PRETTY MUCH actual facts omnipotent.
Having now assigned someone to take care of this, the figure in the diving suit disappears, leaving Melanie alone once more. Well, Melanie knows how to be alone by now. She squares herself after a shaky breath, and starts trying to figure out how to get her charges out of the path of the bullets. It turns out to be harder than we’d like. The bullet hanging in the air is too sparking hot to handle, and Syd and David are seemingly rooted in place, statues, impossible to shove.
And then on the far wall —
WHAT KINDA T.J. ECKLEBERG FEVER DREAM!! THEY FLICKED TO LOOK AT HER, I AM SCREAM!
Y’know, this show might affect me far more for how fucking weird it all is.
Alright one last act, are you ready? Hint: hahaha I am not.
David, disturbed, has sought refuge in his therapist’s office. Oh hun. If only you had a proper one who wanted to help you. Instead you’ve come to kneel at the feet of your own personal demon.
Dr. Busker expresses concern that Syd isn’t good for David, that his “love” is just neurotransmitters fucking around in his brain (well gosh I wonder if David has any feelings about neurotransmitters fucking around in his brain). As an illustrated example, the Lenntity tells him the story of that fungus whose spores get into ants’ nervous systems, take over their minds, and turn them into their own spore-producing radio towers by growing a spike up through their heads. She runs her hands up through David’s hair to bring this home on every sensory level, and/or because by this point in the series people had discovered they really enjoyed having Aubrey Plaza make Dan Stevens’ hair real big. Heightens the startled, blown-around-in-his-own-plot look.
A look promptly put to good use when the Lenntity asks him what the point of friendships is, and, quote, “I mean what is the fucking point of babies?”
“I’ll say this,” she remarks, leaning down over him now, “there’s only one being in the vast multiplicity of space that matters: God.”
Wow I did not expect that.
But then she goes on to explain that God matters because he has power, which is the point of life, all while she literally has her foot on his dick, and that does feel in keeping with everything so far, very much so.
Annnnd here’s Why The Hair.
Lenny pulls her shoe out of his crotch, but does not pull her punches. She smiles — did David know she knew his father? Yes, she means his genetic father. “He thought he could hide you from me, but he was wrong. I found you!” WHAT. WAT. God well the circumstances of David’s adoption sure sound like a HELL of a story.
Oh and: Lenny also describes his birth father as a holier-than-thou asshole, and that sure sounds like someone I know, haaahahaha, shit.
So, how DO mutation genetics work, btw. Are powers passed like eye color, with certain traits dominant and others mixing? Like are we talking a Mendel set here, or…?
While someone gets me the hard imaginary science, the Lenntity has crawled onto David’s lap again, running her silver-nailed hands over him. “Such a sweet little baby, and me. Your very own walking, talking…fungus.” These last words are whispered into his ear as she starts chewing on it. GOD??
GOD?????!!!
Lenny says she was thinking she’d just poison him and move on, but he turned out to be so powerful that now she’s thinking there’d be some benefit to sticking around, harnessing this Potential.
But the Lenntity’s starting to feel like despite his own omnipotence, David is becoming just a drag in her ambitions to fuck with God. She flips over and begins shimmying down his chest while casually choking him with a hand behind her head, christ. “And honestly, all I need from you is your body.”
Just. You know that Patricia Lockwood poem I reblogged, The Hypno-Domme Speaks, and Speaks and Speaks? MOOD MUCH? I mean god damn, Plaza gets nearly all the lines in this act! It’s incredible!!
Lenny laughs as she pushes herself lower, grinning big and loose. “And your mind?” she continues, “Well…I could give give a shit about your mind.” She slides down his lap out of sight, and —
Where the what the fuck!!! Oh what the fuck at any of all of this!!!!
Okay, alright, the time is now, time to talk about something. I just checked through my recap history to confirm and yes I have been deleting this thought every time I’ve had it, which is actually hilaaaariously in keeping with this point, I see now.
A little framing first: Emotionally, I still haven’t entirely moved away from the notion of Lenny being an avatar for certain thoughts and fears and instincts of David’s that he himself doesn’t normally present. I’ve just been folding this into what we’ve since learned. Because by now we know that The Entity has been living with/on David since he was very young, and I can readily go with the idea that I’m-You-I’m-Me-I’m-Everything-You-Wanna-Be has been SUPPLYING certain things for their sorta…shared existence, and that these things have, as a result, been underdeveloped in David himself. Lenny, in a way, does kinda become the Id of their collective. And in this way she becomes recognizable to us as certain passing thoughts in our own heads — the things we often try to push down or push away.
And so we come to the thought I’ve had and re-buried every episode since Ch. 3: I am super discomfited by but also super support that the Lenntity continually and increasingly voices a fear of/fixation on sexual assault. It feels a little ~shocky~ for a tv show to do, but any doubts I have about their motives are overwhelmed by how realistic and relatable it feels for certain kinds of dark recesses of the psyche — the Lenntity being a creature of those.
Speaking of dark, David seems to now be packed away in a glass coffin suspended in inky blackness God knows where, surrounded by dim screaming, to accompany his own.
Back…somewhere, a new-to-me cover of “Oh! You Pretty Things” starts playing over Sydney, still dozing in David’s bed with her headphones on, until someone gently pulls them off.
It’s the Figure In the Diving Suit.
It’s Cary!!!
I just get so happy I love my weirdos so much!!!!! Oh, oh, it’s gonna be okay, because now we have a TEAM-UP. The X-Men are the best superheroes because TEAMS.
Anyway to play us out, the lyrics of my favorite David Bowie song have never been more of a thrill:
Look out my window, what do I see
A crack in the sky and a hand reaching down to me
All the nightmares came today
Looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh you pretty things
Don’t you know that you’re driving your
Mamas and papas insane
Oh you pretty things
Don’t you know that you’re driving your
Mamas and papas insane
Let me make it plain
You gotta make way for the Homo Superior
END EPISODE 6
Final Thoughts from Almost-Doctor Jen: You said you felt like this episode is simultaneously the most smart and most problematic RE: mental illness. My take on it is that it sits firmly on that line of "see, society just wants to tell you that everything ‘different’ about you is weird, bad, and wrong”, which can be both encouraging/empowering if you take that to mean “maybe this atypical stuff I go through due to what goes on in my brain doesn’t have to be totally bad and can actually be a unique and meaningful aspect of who I am if I learn to manage it healthily” OR really detrimental if you take that to mean “anybody who suggests that my atypicalities are causing me problems/should be treated in some way is just trying to crush my beautiful mutant superpowers and control me”. When you portray mental health treatment (and the providers thereof) as totally despicable, you’re not encouraging people to seek help or educating them on what treatment might actually look like. That said, I think this episode gets a pass because it’s made obvious that this is all a product of David’s mind, and given his situation it makes sense (and is actually really consistent with more old-school Freudian/Jungian stuff) that everything would play out exactly as it does.
***
Wellntruly’s Way Long Legion Recaps
Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 • Chapter 5
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