#this should never have happened to efnisien

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from chapter 92 of Underline the Black:

‘This is a delicate subject,’ Temsen said, still staring at the computer screen, ‘but you should give me a heads up when you plan on having penetrative sex with Efnisien. That will probably take you both out of commission for a few days, and I’d like to know how clear to keep my schedule in case Efnisien’s body can’t handle it.’ That was a pain. But spontaneous sex didn’t happen between peak alphas and anyone other than omegas. Otherwise, it had to be carefully planned. Gary needed medical gloves and medical lubricant. He needed time. ‘I’d resent it too,’ Temsen said quietly. ‘Yes, thank you, Temsen, for saying all the most uncomfortable parts out loud.’ ‘He has internal scarring,’ Temsen said firmly. ‘I think the Stretch lube will be fine, but we don’t know for certain. I want to be available if you have need of me, and if you don’t, fantastic. But if Cella comes back to the property and you’re fucking Efnisien, I’d like to know so I can send her away instead of contacting you while you’re at your most possessive.’ ‘Ah. Fair.’ ‘I thought so,’ Temsen said. He made a faint growling sound of frustration in the back of his throat. ‘I’m going to complain to anyone who will listen about how much I hate this job. I want to help people, not smile and thank rapists for their contribution to the centre. And before you tell me that this does help people, it’s not the same.’ ‘It’s not,’ Gary said. ‘It’s ugly work. I’ve never minded the ugly work.’

[not-poignant]

I'm rereading utb and while i def understand and agree with ef being held accountable for things, at the same time, it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions, much less his trauma, without anyone actually explaining or modeling this

Like, everyone constantly brings up the fact that he tried to kill Kadek even once they've acknowledged why and gary is starting a relationship with him while also essentially his prison warden and with how little ef has experienced in the world, especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Idk, I really love this fic so, so much and thank you for writing it and i don't even need a response or anything, I just get defensive of ef when I'm reading sometimes bc he's trying so, so hard basically all the time and it seems like people acknowledge it sometimes in the moment but then don't give him the tools to make it any easier

Answering this one publicly because I know you're not the only one who feels this way or has felt this way!

Okay firstly, some of this conflict I'm evoking in the reader is intentional. I want people to feel defensive of Efnisien. I want people to think 'hey, hang on a minute.' There's a lot of reasons I want that, including the fact that in reality, most people don't recover from being abusive even after they've been in horrifically abusive situations in a vacuum (i.e. the whole world doesn't suddenly stop and become soft as cotton wool just because you've been abused! If you go and interview a whole bunch of people in jail right now, a lot of those folks (especially those who have done repeated serious crimes) will have experienced horrendous and incredibly unfair amounts of abuse, y'know? It's complicated. Yes, they have a right to heal and a right to support. Some of them probably did some pretty awful crimes as well. *coughs*serial killers*coughs*)

Obviously Efnisien is nowhere near that level, but the dissonance remains. He's certainly tried to murder more than one person. But we root for the person whose perspective we're reading. Still, people do not heal in a comfortable vacuum. In fact, most people are asked to be accountable for bad behaviour usually while suffering terribly. Because most people - unless they're certain kinds of extremely rare people - do bad behaviour because they don't know better and/or they're suffering intensely and it can momentarily feel good or satisfying to make other people hurt too.

That's an extremely hard process for the folks who are in that situation. Anyone who has had to recognise they're being a bully, or being abusive, usually goes through a period of time where they can't just immediately change, and what's expected of them seems impossible.

Now to everything else:

This world is a dystopia. There are things happening which aren't going to feel good when you're reading - systemic issues, issues around unfairness - because it's a dystopia. If those things weren't happening, and people just felt blithely comfortable with the entire world, well, that's not actually what I'm going for. There are times it should feel extremely disturbing to read.

So there are times I want readers to feel like things are unfair. There are times I want them to feel very strongly in one person's defense and only later realise the other person was hurt too. There are times I want them to feel like everyone is being unfair to a character. And times when I want folks to feel like the situation just sucks all round. Like, my intention in amongst the hurt/comfort isn't for things to feel easy or nice all the time, I am absolutely challenging the reader by introducing things that feel uncomfortable.

So when folks like yourself tell me this stuff it's like - yeah! It's a dystopia! And - yeah! Unfair things are definitely happening. This is especially true in the beginning when no one really has a concept of how bad things have been for Efnisien, or that he's an alpha. It remains true because no one is perfect. But it happens less often, that's what makes it feel more jarring as the story goes on. If you're rereading it's going to feel worse in the beginning, that's on purpose. The story is doing its job.

it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions

I don't really know what scenes you're specifically referring to here (like, just the first few chapters? The whole story? Temsen's single lecture?), but this is absolutely not the case. I'm going to look at the whole story:

The majority of the time that Efnisien is rude and disrespectful, especially once Efnisien and Gary are living together, Gary mostly ignores him, brushes it off, doesn't react or responds like it's normal dialogue lol. He's not constantly correcting his behaviour and he's not constantly like 'hey rephrase that to be polite' or 'I have feelings too' (maybe he should say the latter sometimes).

Gary is more aware than anyone that he shouldn't be Efnisien's guardian and that he's not a companion. He says this, out loud, to several people, several times. So we know that he knows that the situation isn't great / fair re: Efnisien's care (and frankly his own. Of the two of them, Gary's the one who keeps coming close to potentially dying from the other person's actions).

especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Gary is not Efnisien's psychologist. And psychologists are not doing their jobs on absolutely everyone, 24/7! This one is so important to remember (both in real life and sometimes in fiction). He's categorically not Efnisien's psychologist and it would be even more toxic if he attempted to be this if they were living together!

Gary being a psychologist is his job in the same way being an artist is a job, it's not specifically relevant to their relationship, except that Gary sometimes has better understanding of the root/s of some behaviours.

Ask any psychologist how they live at home and most of them do not want anything to do with their psychology jobs in their personal life, because they're mentally fatigued/tired from talking to people all day. They are not perfect people, they don't have perfect control over their emotions, they aren't teaching everyone the coping mechanisms they need to survive (this takes a lot of labour! It's exhausting! People can't do that 24 hours a day and stay sane. It gets toxic fast.)

The majority of the time Efnisien has extreme emotional responses, Gary just tends to absorb them, acknowledge them, or actively care for him. It's easy to miss these moments because I'm usually not making you feel conflicted about it.

The times Efnisien has extreme emotional responses and then chooses to repeatedly hurt Gary, there are often extreme emotional responses that follow because you know, that's what Efnisien was aiming for! He was trying to severely hurt someone!

Let's move onto Temsen and Efnisien, because this might be more of what you're thinking of, since Gary almost never holds Efnisien accountable tbh. Temsen is a doctor, and a peak alpha who is a leading educator in academic omega rights and theory. He is the first to deeply understand how young alphas left to get away with their smaller abusive behaviours are the kind of alphas who grow up into rapists, murderers and torturers like Christian in Underline the Blue.

(I just want to add, Christian's own abuse and PTSD is real, I don't think any of us are rushing to hold his hand and pat his head, because we sympathise with Nate more than Christian. But Christian has real pain, and real suffering too. He's a great example of how 'you're still accountable for your behaviour though' at its most extreme).

So, Temsen sees Efnisien's behaviour and he lectures and shuts him down like he would any young alpha who is on a really dangerous path. Even within that, he acknowledges himself - out loud - that it's a complicated situation and the time he comes down on Efnisien the hardest, he says the timing is poor. The majority of the time, he shows Efnisien compassion and care, and listens to his opinions, even when they disagree. He is the first to validate his gender both repeatedly in words, and in hormone and medical support. He's the first to change his approach to Efnisien's medical care when Efnisien calls out his lack of respecting his right to privacy, and he's the first to correct Gary about it when Gary expects Temsen to keep giving him information. He offers pragmatic, compassionate advice about many sensitive subjects in Efnisien's life, his health, his secondary gender, his nesting behaviours. And I would say this is how Temsen actually models better behaviour.

Temsen doesn't expect Efnisien to have all of these skills, but Efnisien has to be told what he's doing wrong and how that's not acceptable behaviour and how he's hurting people, to start learning those skills! Otherwise why would anyone bother? Vindictively hurting other people in moments of rage can feel satisfying for folks who aren't being held accountable.

You say no one is modelling better behaviour to Efnisien so I'm just going to pose some questions that are rhetorical:

How many alphas at HIllview are mounting or torturing Efnisien every day? Does Efnisien have choices in what he eats? Is Efnisien's opinion listened to more and more, especially in matters of his health? Do they care about his pain and offer him painkillers when he's suffering? Are the characters in the story trying to enrich his experiences and help him to become a more mature person by helping him overcome his fears of things like going outside? Are the characters deliberately trying to expand his support network by helping him see new people and lean on them for help, instead of keeping him in a box and forbidding him from seeing anyone? While also taking into account the safety of others?

Are the characters largely gender affirming once they learn more about Efnisien?

Are the characters actively teaching Efnisien social sciences to help him understand more about the world and human rights, which includes his own rights?

Do the characters acknowledge that Hillview isn't an ideal place for Efnisien, just a good place for now?

Do the characters want Efnisien to have a future where he's happier?

Do the characters allow Efnisien to have his emotional responses as long as they're not also abusive responses? For example, is Efnisien allowed to cry, nest, seek comfort, or even be angry, provided he's not being domestically violent? (The answer is yes).

Do the characters to the best of their ability explain things clearly and maintain their own boundaries around Efnisien to remind him that he can also maintain his own boundaries?

Are Efnisien's wishes largely respected where possible? (The answer here is also yes - such as refusing internal exams with Temsen, or having control over what he does most days and how he spends his time etc.)

Can Efnisien see lots of examples of people talking civilly to each other and often with great care, and not being abusive to each other? Can he see alternative forms of conflict resolution, management and repair?

Is Efnisien offered opportunities to repair rifts that he's created himself, after being cruel to someone?

This is just a start, but these people through these behaviours are already role-modelling a ton of better behaviours than anything Efnisien has been exposed to in the past. And we can see that Gary himself role models a lot of these things to Efnisien directly, including apologising frequently and quickly when he realises he's made mistakes. This is how Efnisien learned to apologise! And he literally has thoughts like 'Gary does this / so I guess I should do it too.' That's literally role modelling a behaviour :D

Gary's actually a pretty good role model, and the only reason Efnisien's behaviour starts to improve at Hillview as well as his quality of life is because Gary and Temsen are role modelling these behaviours.

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Efnisien isn't literally a prisoner in his current relationship!

I feel like when folks identify really strongly with a character, it's very easy to miss the times when Gary and Temsen for example brainstorm ways for Efnisien not to live with Gary. Aside from at the very beginning, these characters have actually talked about - in the story, in dialogue - options for Efnisien to not live with Gary.

Like they literally talk about making Efnisien a new room in the headquarters and possibly even building him his own building down the track so he doesn't have to be with Gary! As they trust Efnisien more, they offer many options to him. As the story goes on, they are absolutely not forcing Efnisien to stay with Gary, and nor is Gary. Efnisien himself communicates clearly that he would rather live with Gary than be on his own. This is something that gets checked in on, and more than one option is given to him.

Missing this is understandable, it's a long story, but it also means it's not true that Efnisien is a prisoner in that he's being forced to live with Gary. That's only true in the beginning when they literally think he's just a murderer/attempted murderer who's going to kill everyone at Hillview. As the story progresses, it shifts to 'well he's not a murderer, what are his other options?'

Can Efnisien live a free life wherever he wants? No. That's where the 'dystopian universe' tag comes in. He's not safe to, but Hillview staff wouldn't be concerned with educating him and teaching him independence if they didn't want him to live as independently as possible one day. It's not like Gary has to try to get Efnisien comfortable with going outside and experiencing the outside world, and it's not like he has to encourage Efnisien to meet omegas and betas etc. to hear different opinions, y'know?

But yeah the role modelling is happening: Efnisien's showing more and more tools in coping all the time! He's been growing them since the beginning of the fic. He's learned to communicate better. He's learned how to articulate what he wants and doesn't want more clearly. He's learned how to care more for others even if he often misses that he has the power to really hurt them. He's learned more (not less) confidence. He's having less (not more) trauma responses. He's learned how to trust in the people around him more, so he's starting to talk more about his experiences of gender. He's learned that what he went through was wrong, and is sharing more about the abuse he suffered.

These things would not be happening in a story where people weren't giving him the tools to cope with his life or weren't showing him ways to communicate differently.

The reason Efnisien talks more clearly and articulately now in the story, the reason he laughs more, cries more (which is more open/honest imho and healthier than repressing it), talks more, talks about his past more, expresses his opinion more is because Hillview has been equipping him with more tools to live a richer life pretty much as soon as they realised he's not going to just murder people at the drop of a hat.

In some ways they're showing more trust than our society would because like, attempted murder could land him in jail for a while in our society, y'know?

The reason they haven't paired him with an actual psychologist is that they don't have any peak alpha psychologists and Efnisien can use alpha persuasion on anyone else, and would certainly get angry enough in therapy to use it. We only need to look at how Efnisien responded to Dr Gary in Falling Falling Stars sometimes in therapy sessions to see that yes, this is a guy who - if he had the tool of alpha persuasion - would absolutely use it to get a therapist to shut the fuck up when he felt like it, lol.

But yeah, as always, if folks are feeling really uncomfortable when reading something I've written, it's often intentional. You're right, Efnisien's situation is unfair. A few of the specifics you've brought up aren't true, and have missed things in the story, but it's still not a fair experience, it's not always a pleasant experience, and it's...pretty dystopian!

When we get really deep into our emotional connection to a character, it can still help to remember that the situation often isn't exactly the same as it feels. But this story also has the tags: darkfic / disturbing themes / dystopian universe for a reason! The visceral discomfort is a feature, not a bug.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from today's writing, chapter 9 of Constellations:

'It's... I've been struggling with trying to understand why you chose Crielle over me. I know that sounds- I know you were very upset and you'd just been badly hurt by my partner, so I can see a lot of really logical reasons why, but you've also been badly hurt by Crielle, and I'm just trying to understand... I suppose I want to know if that was all me. Just you hating me.'  Efnisien was silent for a long time, so long that Gwyn thought he had an answer. Finally Efnisien inhaled sharply.  'I don't remember all the details about that night very well,' Efnisien said, looking down at his legs. 'But I remember at some point you said something like...I'd changed. Or like it was obvious I'd changed from who I used to be. But that night, I hated myself for everything that happened so much. To me, everything was my fault. Me being punched in the face was my fault. Me being attacked and hurt by Kitson was my fault. Me being at a kink club I never should have been at in the first place was my fault. All I saw was this cascading thing of how bad I was for everyone around me, and so you said I'd changed, and I knew I hadn't changed at all. It was like... I knew I'd ruined everything. My relationship with Arden. My friendship with Kadek. I knew I deserved that. And there you were telling me you could see that I'd changed, and I couldn't stand the idea of you believing that. So I couldn't... So I shut you out.'  Efnisien looked up towards a bookcase, and he smiled to himself.  'You know it wasn't a choice, in a way. I didn't choose her over you. I knew I couldn't risk you believing I'd changed when I knew I was the worst person I'd ever met. And then I just wanted someone who could tell me what to do, maybe. Someone who also believed I was the worst person, and who could fix everything. To me it didn't feel like I picked her over you. It felt like I was...removing you from getting hurt more. Even you being at the door, I just felt like I kept hurting everyone around me. You sounded so upset, and that was also because of me, something I'd done, some reaction I'd had.'  Gwyn couldn't think of what to say for a long time. 

[not-poignant]

The latest UtR update on AO3 got me hooked and I could no longer constrain myself and had to read the other chapters on Patreon. Now I need to know: does Lucien have any redeeming character traits in the series or can I add him straight to the list of characters that deserve the worst? That attitude of his towards Faber made me so mad lmao

Hi anon!

This actually reminds me of the ask I got recently about how awful Augus is as a character and how it's impossible to consider him through a positive light after reading Falling Falling Stars. Because that's how he seems if you've never read him in anything else of mine!

My narrators are unreliable, anon. We only ever see Lucien very briefly through the jealous eyes of an insecure man.

(Spoilers for a future brief verbal encounter between Lucien and Faber in Underline the Red).

Lucien is an extremely vulnerable omega who is in an institution that has temporary custody of him. They control what he eats, what he does, whether he leaves or not (i.e. he's functionally imprisoned), who fucks him, if he gets to see anyone else, if he can talk to his partner and family back home and how often. He has significant psychiatric issues around his own insecurities re: jealously and his partner, and he clocks Faber as being in love with Caleb, and he's right.

And that's incredibly unethical of Faber, honestly, to not have disclosed any of this to Dr Gary (like Dr Gary will be right to consider firing him over this in the future). It puts Lucien's mental health in direct and severe jeopardy, and is ironically likely what causes his relapse that causes Caleb to suggest domestic discipline in the first place (oh, Faber, the irony).

Because Lucien's there to learn that actually a lot of his jealousy and insecurity is unfounded. Instead, he learns the opposite, that no matter who he bonds with, someone else is there loving his potential partner while he perceives himself as having very little control (and in the case of Hillview - this is true, all he has are his words).

He's a chronically disabled omega who needs a disability aid (walking stick) to get around, he's a second class citizen, he's agreed with his partner to stay at Hillview because they both recognise how sick he's getting.

Faber is not a mental health patient/omega like Lucien is. He's a staff member who is nursing unrequited loved to an alpha companion, that he's refused to disclose, while still interacting with Caleb and his omegas. Imho, while Lucien is very good at lashing out, he's not wrong to, and that's why Faber fully acknowledges what Lucien is saying and listens to him, and basically never interacts with him again, and avoids Caleb where possible.

Lucien's mean about it, but Lucien is right re: Faber trying to hide his feelings because he knows what will happen if people find out, and that it's also wrong/unfair to put Lucien in that position.

And Faber knows that.

So yeah. The reader is meant to hate Lucien on a surface level, in the same way that Faber does.

But consider that Faber also sometimes seems to hate all omegas. He finds the smell of their heats disgusting. It's actually pretty normal for people to go through a phase of rejecting the thing that they are, if that's something hated in society. Faber's oscillating mixed feelings of bitterness, resentment and cutting attitude is actually mirrored in Lucien.

Faber has thought extremely savage, scathing and unforgiving things himself to the people around him (and himself). Lucien responds to Faber like Faber is an omega (something Faber doesn't recognise yet), because Faber...kind of acts like one in moments like that. (Efnisien also picks up on this, Faber is not great to him in the beginning of Underline the Black, in a very specific way designed for Efnisien to pick up on, and for Gary to miss. Faber behaves jealously, and constantly suggests to Gary that he should get rid of Efnisien, before he finally adjusts to the absence of Gary in his life. Faber is possessive and manipulative!)

Lucien ultimately doesn't need any redeeming characteristics because he's a victim who is at Hillview to heal and Faber is jeopardising that. We can hate him, but that's just the fact. He didn't try to kill Kadek when he arrived at Hillview, he hasn't tried to destroy memories of James, things Efnisien has done even though we love him all the same (ideally). Lucien felt understandably jealous/insecure (literally the thing he's at Hillview to be treated for, safe from people who will be in love with his lover until Faber) and he lashed out meanly.

If a staff member of Hillview can't handle some rude words, they shouldn't work there.

But yeah, I like the Lucien and Faber encounter because they are both extremely similar people in some ways. They are both bitter, jealous, resentful people capable of very scathing thoughts (and words). The only difference is that in that moment, Faber is the recipient and we feel bad for him. I mean, I do feel bad for him. Faber is in a bad place psychologically, it's a horrible thing for him to experience.

If we were getting Lucien's story from his perspective, and saw the panic attacks he had afterwards, and the regression he went through, etc. it might be different. But it doesn't have to be! Lucien in that moment functions as a reality check for Faber, and a very effective one at that. We're meant to hate him, but also meant to understand that Faber's love for Caleb is not as subtle as he thinks it is in the sense that - omegas can see it for what it is.

I personally like the one moment where we see that Lucien might have a heart when Faber admits his parents are dead, and we can see that he doesn't react with savage satisfaction, but like Faber broke the narrative he'd built for himself in his own insecure, jealous, scared mind.

[not-poignant]

Hello Pia, I hope your day is going well! 👋

I was wondering if you could expand on the process of, like, Hillview finding alphas for graduates? It's been mentioned a few times- like lucien is going to graduate back to the alpha partner he was with previously who sent him there, but mosk is being placed with Erin and his family, and henton has mentioned an application process now a few times. Early talk had Efnisien going to someone who "didn't mind atypical partners, or even just wants companionship" which suggests it's not necessarily a sort of matchmaking service. It's giving more a sort of dog adoption process, especially those found among specialty rescues (lol) , which seems right on track with a dystopia where omegas can't even get a full education.

I imagine the application process is screening for safety and welfare and general things like that? Is there a like, several meetings with the omega to determine compatibility? Would someone like Flitmouse (in a cruel au where Anton doesn't exist) be able to graduate independently, or is this universe such that an omega *really* can't exist without some kind of alpha/beta/family guardian? (Even if only on paper)

Thank you!

Hi hi anon!

Let's get into worldbuilding :D

I mean you're basically right in saying it's like a dog adoption process. But actually in reality, it's much more like a thorough child adoption process. I.e. There are people who wait a long time - sometimes years or over a decade - to be considered candidates for a particular child. They go through a lot of applications, vetting, police clearances, interviews, and then there will be supervised child / prospective parent interviews before a trial happens, and custody is handed over. Obviously for disreputable ORFs, the process cuts a lot of corners and favours abusive alphas.

About half of the omegas dropped off return to the people who dropped them off, and don't actually need to be reassigned. For the rest, about 20% were abandoned and don't know it (like Nate), and the other 30% are ones who will be removed from the original custody of the people who dropped them off and reassigned.

This is why Hillview often makes a point later of saying they have custody of an omega when they're terrified of going back to an abuser, and they encourage alphas to sign away the custody under the guise of 'this allows us to field all liability should anything happen so you're not culpable' etc.

So for the 50% that will essentially be reassigned, there's a long wait-list similar to what we actually see with adoption.

It is 99% of the time a matchmaking service, because omegas must be sexually serviced competently during a heat. Efnisien's an exception (but also, not really. He barely got through his heat without significant medical intervention because he didn't have penetrative sex), and that's something they'll consider for him, but I would say you could safely assume the rest of the time, sexual consummation of a heat would be considered a fundamental / non-negotiable part of the candidate's abilities to provide a home. For this reason, omegas are never exited to other omegas, betas, or families that don't have an alpha that can't fulfill this requirement.

That being said, there are alphas who can fulfill this requirement who don't want a really deeply loving and romantic relationship, and offer heat consummation, a home, safety, and support as almost a platonic service. So this does happen, it's just rare. Alphas that want to care for someone, and have the drive to consummate heats (which many alphas are drawn to doing), but don't want to be tied up in something romantic, will join waitlists for this reason.

Compatibility is often determined before the omega and alpha meet. Though omegas often get a chance to look through a short-list of files (inc video interview) and make choices based on that in advance. Some alphas have been waiting so long they fall in love with other omegas while waiting and drop off the waitlists. The waitlist is long, there are far more alphas who want an omega who is more independent and 'themselves' than omegas who need them.

There's often significant age gaps though, because many younger alphas are more likely to be in their 'have to control / fuck omegas' and older alphas often realise they want genuine companionship. That's not always true, but that's the overall trend.

But yeah, after that process, there's meetings with the alpha, and the alpha's family. (It's important they make sure they aren't exiting an omega into an abusive family situation where the omega is expected to be 'the help'). There's in-person meetings where potential chemistry, compassion, and sensitivity can be observed. For example, they can learn a lot by how tolerant an alpha is of a pre-existing bond, how tolerant they are of the alpha companion, and how compassionate they are to the fact that their omega will be leaving a bond to re-bond. Interviews often include alpha persuasion by peak alphas like Gary and Temsen, to actually make sure the alpha in question isn't secretly a rapist, monster, etc.

Some alphas meet their omegas more often than others. In the case of Lucien and Denis, they only had to meet once, and that was to review changes and lifestyle support / suggestions. Denis has already gone through an ongoing vetting process, and is trusted, and Lucien's never wavered in wanting to go back to him.

Eran on the other hand had to go through an extremely thorough process, because this alphas are given the responsibility of continuing supporting an omega's autonomy while providing care and compassion. They need to set up support networks, create opportunities for genuine friendships beyond the alpha-omega unit, and create opportunities for education, interdependence and other forms of care.

We can see them talking about the meetings in Underline the Black but it's not the focus of the story so it's only mentioned briefly.

The session with Caleb wrapped up, and Gary felt an affectionate spite, sending Temsen an email letting him know to arrange a transition phase for Lucien and Caleb, starting with a meeting with Denis. This would be the sort of thing he'd be organising in his role as manager of the facility. It was nice, knowing his requests might annoy Temsen. 

Faber later:

'That's… I wanted to say that we've arranged a date for Denis Deschamps to meet with Lucien Beaumont and Caleb, Sirs. Sir.''

Would someone like Flitmouse (in a cruel au where Anton doesn't exist) be able to graduate independently, or is this universe such that an omega *really* can't exist without some kind of alpha/beta/family guardian?

Yes! This is actually talked about more than once in Underline the Gold. Flitmouse even threatens Temsen with it at some point:

'...You're free to leave, of course, that option is always yours, but you have to understand that…we can't let an illness go untreated if you decide to stay, even if you are paying to stay here.' (This is something Temsen reminds him of, and not something Flitmouse mentions at the time).'

And Flitmouse very much believes it's an option to the point of teasing Anton about it:

'You don't have to put up with me,' Flitmouse said, reaching out, fingers hovering near Anton's jaw, but not risking the touch in case it wasn't wanted, wasn't allowed. 'Lovely boy, don't you know that yet? I could leave tomorrow.'

So yeah Flitmouse has full autonomy. He can't make them not treat his eating disorder, because they're a health facility, but he can absolutely leave without being paired with anyone because he's funding his own stay!

Flitmouse has financial autonomy, so even though it would be dangerous for him to leave, Hillview would grant him full rights to. It's one of the reasons Flitmouse chose Hillview in the first place. I think they only thing they'd point out is that while Flitmouse is claimed by Vadim, Flitmouse can be targeted by him and even killed by him in the 'real world' outside of Hillview, and Hillview is in some ways a secure sanctuary as much as anything else.

[not-poignant]

Hello Pia! I was wondering about the pheromone flooding and it's scope? We know Efs reaction, but would you give some other examples if something like that would happen to another omega/beta/alpha/peak alpha? If this should be explained more later in UtB then of course please ignore the ask. <3

Hi hi anon!

The only thing that really gets mentioned in Underline the Black about it is that there's pretty much no research on it, and it's not well documented.

Here's the thing: peak alphas are incredibly under-studied and under-researched. They can do things not documented in science properly, because we have two problems. The first is there's only about 1 in a million. That's not too bad, there's billions of people. The second is they can brainwash anyone into leaving them alone. Peak alphas who don't want to be studied don't get studied, and most don't want to be studied.

This isn't great for characters like Gary, who might pheromone flood someone like Efnisien, and then desperately want to find out more about what happened so he can make sure it never happens again, only to find out there's almost no research or science about it, and he's shit out of luck.

And that's where I'm leaving that, because just like Gary, we all get to exist in the realm of 'but what was that.'

As someone who has experiences (particularly with extremely rare chronic illness) sometimes the answer is: There's not enough of a cohort to research exactly what that is yet, so we'll just have to wait and see.

And the reason I like that, is that it highlights how unsupported and adrift peak alphas can be within their own bodies and minds, and I like the discomfort of that in characters who are kind of intensely needing to have control, when actually they probably have the least at times!

Er so yeah it's a roundabout way of saying I can't talk more about pheromone flooding, it's deliberately left as a blank space, even within the worldbuilding. Sometimes we don't get to know because the cohort isn't large enough to study and/or understand and/or is resistant for varying reasons. And sometimes that gets to be a nice metaphor about control and lack of control and knowledge and self-knowledge. :D

[not-poignant]

Hello Pia. Could you please elaborate a little about challenging a peak alpha and how they really can or connot controll things when they are challenged? As I understand ardolphogen is pieaking when they are in this situation? And they MUST do something? Or? I was comparing two scenes exactly - Ef challenge Gary and Janusz challengeTemsen. Thank you!

Hi anon!

I can definitely elaborate on this :D

(Under a read more because I...well...elaborated.)

So, firstly, Temsen and Gary are different people, and how they react to things are going to be different. This is true across a lot of different situations. Consider, for example, that Efnisien has been rude to Gary many times and Gary has just let him, but if Efnisien does that even slightly to Temsen, Temsen scolds him immediately!

They are different situations. Gary tolerates Efnisien's rudeness because he finds it charming/amusing and he likes that. Temsen doesn't tolerate it at all, because he believes that as a doctor and a peak alpha, he should be awarded respect from other alphas, especially young alphas who have shown a pattern of violent, abusive, disrespectful or immature behaviour (which Efnisien has!) -

This is also why Temsen tolerates Janusz' disrespect better than he does Efnisien's, because he knows it comes from a place of severe trauma. Janusz has PTSD from his experiences with Nate, and that is Hillview's fault and responsibility. Janusz is right to be angry, and his challenge comes from a genuine place of injustice.

Temsen recognises that he is culpable here, and that he has no grounds on which to scold Janusz, in other words he recognises that he's earned some disrespect on this specific issue. He can also tell that Janusz is doing it from a place of stepping into his strength to take care of Nate - that's something Temsen has asked him to do and that he wants, even if it comes from a disrespectful place (momentarily - most of what Janusz says is measured, calm, and clear - and actually not disrespectful at all - disagreeing is not disrespect). So that situation has a lot of different things happening which causes Temsen to react / not react the way he does!

Most important, no one here has any idea what Efnisien does or says to mount the challenge in the next chapter. Assuming it's solely based on what happened in this chapter is understandable! But that's not what it is. If Efnisien doesn't do what he does in the next chapter (which I'm not going to spoil), Gary's reaction would never have happened. They would have talked about Gary's uneasiness around Efnisien feeling the need to protect him, they would have gone back to normal, and they would have been fine.

Efnisien is also experiencing something new for him that he's never gone through before, and no one's really mentioned it yet. Gary had his ardolphogen rage, Efnsien also has ardolphogen in his system. He was dissociated into his rage state in that chapter, and wasn't thinking clearly, especially as he escalated his violence against Cella. We have no indication that he's left this mental/hormonal space or that it's calmed down, because he lost consciousness, and hasn't really been himself since. Alphas and anger control issues go hand in hand, the ardolphogen is not like testosterone (after all, in the omegaverse, they make both!), they can't just go 'oh huh I've been flooded with hormones, let me not do what they're telling me to do.'

And, fun fact, actually most humans can't do this past a certain point! Tell a person with PTSD to simply calmly think through their fight/flight response and stop having flashbacks, and they're going to laugh in your face, or never talk to you again. Lots of people have intense hormonal states they can't just shrug off! They must respond. It's just that the hormones and the emotions are different.

Gary has PACS, an unstable internal emotional landscape, and has been treated as a pariah by the news media, James' entire family, and has challenging mental health issues, from being casually suicidal for years after James' death and hoping that something would kill him, to being very hostile initially to making intimate connections with other people.

Gary and Temsen aren't in any way starting in the same playing field here. Temsen is happy, he's fulfilled, he's got a greater capacity for not responding to disrespect, and he also practices early intervention selectively - badly behaved alphas get scolded, usually-good-alphas who have a reason get a pass.

That being said, we've never seen anyone mount a direct challenge to Temsen, so we've never seen his response to them. No one really does it. That would be the equivalent of someone trying to pin a peak alpha to the ground, mount them physically, take a 'dominating' position over them, threaten them with physicality, or threaten to kill them in a duel etc. Obviously there's very few circumstances where this would happen and very few people would be willing to try (except for other peak alphas lol), because it's legal for peak alphas to murder anyone who attempts it, because they aren't in control of their hormonal responses when it happens.

In fact the only way to easily take advantage of a peak alpha that way is while they're sleeping or while they're too sick to fight back.

And I'll leave that as the context for the next chapter.

But, yes, when an alpha mounts a challenge to a peak alpha, physiologically they must respond. And most respond with immediate, lethal force.

Comparing what Temsen's experienced with what Gary's about to experience is like comparing apples and oranges. They're just not the same thing, and they're not comparable. We've seen Gary be disrespected by Efnisien nearly 100 times by now, we know - with only a few exceptions that involved either domestic violence initiated by Efnisien or extreme verbal disrespect - he can handle that.

What we're about to see from Efnisien is not what he's done before.

[not-poignant]

Daily excerpt from chapter 54 of Underline the Black:

'Gary won't let it happen unsupervised anyway.' 'He shouldn't!' Kadek said. 'He shouldn't, because you're going to feel really challenged by it. You're the first omega who's been turned into an alpha, probably in the whole world. But as an alpha who's been raised to almost never have contact with omegas and to hate them while also being expected to have a relationship with them? Well, fuck, you're just like millions of other alphas. I hate to say it, but that's also ordinary. No way should you have your first encounters with omegas be unsupervised. Because you can use alpha persuasion, because they're vulnerable around you. Pretty logical, honestly.'  'It's not like alphas are supervised out in the rest of the world,' Efnisien said bitterly. 'We can totally talk about how fucked up the rest of the world is,' Kadek said. 'Unlike most of the other alphas here, I actually spent time as a companion in a stereotypical ORF. Omega Rehabilitation Facility. You want me to tell you a story? It's a sad story, but...I think it's worth telling.' 'Um, okay.' 

[not-poignant]

I'm not sure if you've answered this before, but I've read a lot of your work, and Efnisien has kind of become a favorite of mine and seeing how he's developed in AUs like FFS and UtB have you ever thought about how he might have developed had he not died in Game Theory?

Also, how do think the versions of Efnisien, Augus, and Gwyn in Canon Fae Tales, FFS, UtB would react to each other if they ever met or were made aware of the other's existence?

Hi hi anon!

I've answered this before but probably quite a while ago, while writing Falling Falling Stars in particular.

Tbh, Efnisien would have developed in Fae Tales by becoming more evil, and more depraved, and more awful. He was and remains to me a completely irredeemable character who was so cruel even Crielle thought it was extreme.

If Fae Tales Efnisien ever met any other version of Efnisien, he'd murder him. He'd probably torture him first and laugh about it, while grinding into his revealed organs. His heartsong has been Joy/Glee, simply because he loves cruelty and evil that much. He's like a pure distillation of someone who just doesn't need anything else if he has a knife and a squealing victim.

One of the challenges of writing Spoils of the Spoiled was how to make Efnisien more believably human and give him a back story that justified that. But Fae Tales Efnisien doesn't have that. He wasn't brainwashed or conditioned into being evil, he tried killing someone within about two days of being alive and loved inflicting pain from the moment he was born. Efnisien's response to meeting anyone from any other universe would be to torture and murder them. And probably laugh at them and mock them. I don't think any version of a human Efnisien would have much of an opportunity to do much more than be horrified, scream, and then die.

Imho, to me Fae Tales Efnisien and human Efnisien are two kind of different characters who look the same and have family members with the same names. But their upbringing was very different, and their capacity for compassion is different (one for example, has a capacity for compassion, the other doesn't).

Also, how do think the versions of Efnisien, Augus, and Gwyn in Canon Fae Tales, FFS, UtB would react to each other if they ever met or were made aware of the other's existence?

I'm never quite sure how to answer stuff like this otherwise. Augus would see a human version of Augus as food. I don't even think he'd truly recognise the similarity otherwise and just be like 'how unfortunate for you that you're a vulnerable delicious sack of meat who looks like me, by the way are you vegan by any chance.'

Gwyn likewise looks down on humans as like...interesting but largely annoying creatures that he's glad to have nothing to do with, and I think he'd consider any version of his human self to be weak in nature. I think he'd find a peak alpha Gwyn obnoxious and kind of laughable sldakfja

I'm not generally writing characters with a view that they should ever meet versions of themselves, but like, Augus and Gwyn are varying degrees of 'loathe humans' to 'don't care about humans' on the spectrum.

I think of Gwyn and Augus met Lone Wolf Gwyn and Augus that would be interesting, but I also think they'd mostly just... semi-get along and think something was very broken with the world if they ever met, and probably be like 'we should fix this because this should not be happening and we should not be meeting each other like this' lol. I think canon GT Gwyn would find Lone Wolf Gwyn too soft-natured and a bit spoiled but post-TIP Gwyn might find his life fascinating, and Lone Wolf Gwyn would probably have a different reaction depending on whether we're talking about pre-GT Gwyn, GT-Gwyn, post-GT Gwyn, post-COFT Gwyn, TIP Gwyn, or post-TIP Gwyn because...I don't like my main characters to stay the same x.x

Thought exercises like this are ultimately baffling to me. The only one I know how to answer easily is FT Efnisien vs. human Efnisien because to me that is like two different characters meeting, and FT Efnisien is extremely predictable because 'be cruel, torture, and kill while having the time of his life' is basically his entire character aside from 'love my Aunt so much it's creepy.'

[not-poignant]

I've seen you mention in the Underline the Rainbow series that there are different types of schools for Alphas/Betas. And we know that Ef didn't get a formal education due to his abuse by Crielle and the rest of his family. What happens to an average Omega? Do they go to regular schools? Are they separated out to only go to schools with other Omegas? I'm trying to understand what a well adjusted Omega's life might be to compare. Thanks! Love your works!

Hi hi anon!

So omega schools have been mentioned quite a few times. So what's established in Underline the Black is that omegas go to omega creches or omega academies, and Gary asks Efnisien early on which omega academy he went to, at which point Efnisien replies he was home-schooled. Gary asks him what 'level' he schooled to, which indicates that there's grades and years in omega education just like there are in any other.

In Underline the Blue Nate says that he studied poetry and writing at an omega tertiary academy.

So the stories answer this! Most omegas go to omega creches / academies, and can even go through to the tertiary level if they want to.

None of them go to regular schools and this has never been mentioned in the worldbuilding at all. Even in Underline the Red Faber mentions going to a school of betas/alphas.

What happens to an average Omega?

See above! This is answered in the stories!

Do they go to regular schools?

This is also answered at least superficially in the stories - they don't!

They go to omega-dedicated education schools. Which also answers your next question too. This is why all omega education facilities in the story are always called 'omega academies' or 'omega creches' or 'omega levels' or 'omega tertiary education' and not just 'school' as a singular term. To indicate that they are separated (and also that these schools aren't at the same level or taken as seriously). In the same way that we have 'omega rehabilitation facilities, we know that they're not rehabilitation facilities for betas or alphas. Likewise we have beta/alpha school, which is the more standard 'school.'

Creches teach omegas the 'basics' (and can be thought of more as a finishing school - they'll teach you to read and write, and how to maintain a good home and sew clothing and be a good omega for your partner and how to handle a heat). Academies allow for more subjects to be taken, and omegas can matriculate through them at a tertiary level, but this is rare.

There are no schools that combine omegas, betas and alphas, and on top of that, no school education for omegas is considered as being on the same 'level' as beta and alpha education. However, in extremely rare instances, omegas can apply (or straight up lie) to do a beta or alpha level education online. This is how Flitmouse has done things in the past, he's pretended he's a beta to access more opportunities online re: education and business.

There's really no such thing as an 'average' omega, but I guess you could say most go through the schooling system, learn how to read and write, and then are matched off into marriages often against their will (and certainly not according to their own choices) as either male trophy omegas or partners.

Some parents are more 'liberal minded' and let their children choose their partners, this is more common in the lower-middle classes (i.e. Nate's class, where his parents let him choose Christian, which he considers a big deal, and a sign of his independence that he's quite proud of). But as is clear, it's not like Nate's independence has gotten him that far re: Christian or helped him avoid an omega rehabilitation facility.

Omegas are by and large second-class citizens that the get the life their parents think they should have, most don't even know they could dream for more, and feel lucky and privileged to even go to an omega academy, for example, and many don't ever ask 'but why can't I go to a beta/alpha academy' - they just assume they're either a) not smart enough for that or b) it's too much power for them to handle and therefore would be dangerous in their hands.

The brainwashing starts early, basically.

But it is normal for omegas to go to school!

[not-poignant]

I know this is getting so ahead of things but given the upcoming developments EFNISIEN'S NEXT HEAT IS GOING TO BE SOOOO WILD IM DYING

Tbh I don't even know what Efnisien's next heat will be like.

In an ideal world, I want Gary and Efnisien to be much further along sexually already before the next heat, and I haven't actually planned another heat (since they can be months apart and there's a lot of story happening pretty quickly, I don't actually know if Underline the Black will still be going by the time the next heat arrives - though it probably will, I just haven't thought that far ahead).

fdsjfdsa a lot of the upcoming developments will continue to develop pre-heat!

And I don't know how they will intersect with the next heat! Efnisien might crave being touched more, but he still might not crave sex during such a vulnerable time. He's in a unique position to elect to have his heat managed via pheromones while generally not wanting sex during a heat, so if he wanted, or if Gary wanted, they could actually be like 'right let's keep sex off the table during the heat and go to saliva management' (fun!) 'and make sure sex only happens when you're fully lucid and consenting.'

Idk, this story never quite does the things it 'should.' dslakfjdsa

[not-poignant]

oooh i've never read an omegaverse fic where the omega's ability to self lubricate is damaged. (could that be classed as a disability in this universe?)

it's going to be very interesting discovering how/if that's worked around later in the fic.

all Efnisien expects is pain because it's familiar and he's so used to it and his needs have never been respected or accommodated for, so i think it would be so fascinating to see him experiencing being with someone who actually takes the extra time to find ways to do things so they don't hurt despite the physical limitations lol

(could that be classed as a disability in this universe?)

Absolutely! While I haven't tagged specifically with disability, I have used the tag chronic illness in this fic, and I definitely think all of Efnisien's issues certainly at the very least come under having a chronic illness (and disability).

And how that's dealt with later in the fic is definitely going to be part of the story! There's no miraculous fix here for sure. Efnisien not being able to properly make the hormone larentin also means he can't really have proper or healthy heats. We're going to eventually see what that looks like, and it's not going to be fun for anyone.

A lot of this fic is definitely going to be around acknowledging chronic illness, giving space for that (and way way more compassion than Efnisien's ever had in the past) and Efnisien sort of learning that he even has chronic illness/es because he doesn't realise yet. There things he thinks of as normal (for example his chronic stomach upsets) which are painful and not great, that he has yet to realise aren't something that should just go completely unsupported.

This is fic is also going to poke a fair bit at biological essentialism, but we're not quite there yet, but...that's where we're headed.

Because Efnisien struggles to even realise there's value in telling people when he's in pain sometimes, it's going to be a choppy journey, especially with those directive/s! It's going to help that Efnisien can talk about what happens to him at the centre though, and I'm glad they've finally at least got a shoulder brace on him. It's a tiny tiny start, lol.

It's also one of the reasons I didn't want Temsen in the story just yet. As the facility doctor, I think he's going to have some really useful and valuable suggestions re: Efnisien and Dr Gary, and I didn't want things to be that easy for them in the beginning ;)

[not-poignant]

Pia omg I loved the last chapter so much, I was definitely crying along with ef. I’m kind of wondering what Lija was hoping to get out of coming to see ef? It seemed a bit unprofessional/insensitive to come visit a potentially suicidal patient and then talk about a bunch of potential triggers like augus, crielle, gwyn? I get that she was like ‘I want to check on an old patient’ but seems like a bit of a conflict of interest when you’re also the mum of the guy who just punched him out. Seems like if your priority is making sure this guy doesn’t want to hurt your kids then you shouldn’t be seeing him in your capacity as a medical practitioner??

Oh man Lija was 100% unprofessional, inappropriate, and insensitive, and could easily be reported for her actions.

When Dr Gary finds out, he's going to rip her a new one. And he'll be right to do it. Efnisien literally sat there, cried, and wished a nurse would save him from what she was putting him through, until she badgered him into regressing so severely that he began treating her like Crielle. And we actually haven't seen him regress that severely since the night on the bridge.

She's basically put his life in danger again. I don't even think her main priority was 'checking on an old patient.' I think she was curious, and wanted to see the person who had made people close to her suffer, and had the power to do that. And I think she genuinely and mistakenly thought that saying something like 'I don't want you to die' would mean anything when she's also saying 'I'm so angry at you.'

Seems like if your priority is making sure this guy doesn’t want to hurt your kids then you shouldn’t be seeing him in your capacity as a medical practitioner??

Absolutely.

I honestly think Lija has believed what Gwyn and Augus and many of the others have believed, because all of her information mostly comes from Gwyn and Augus: That Efnisien couldn't possibly have really changed, and that even if he's feeling vulnerable and she doesn't want him to die, she still needs to make sure that he's not going to hurt her son or daughters (or Gwyn) again.

Even not knowing about those things being potential triggers and not understanding the complexity of Efnisien's trauma or inner landscape, she:

* Casually asserted ownership over Efnisien's body in a way that was callous and authoritative ('that's my work' not 'that's your body'). No wonder he was reminded of Crielle, who did the exact same thing. She basically made it seem like she owned a part of him. She doesn't.

* Interrogated him, and refused to stop when he began to cry, or get the nurse, even knowing he was in a psych ward for suicidal intent.

* Threatened him by saying she might come back, despite - at that point - finding it clear that he was being retraumatised.

* Went there as a protective mother who didn't really give a shit about Efnisien as a person.

* Used a 'tough love' approach which is profoundly inappropriate for most suicidal patients or people experiencing serious mental illness.

* Constantly seemed to assume that just saying 'I don't want you to die' while also constantly reminding him of his crimes would actually be helpful. That's some guilt-tripping right there.

* The absolute power trip of the words 'I saved your life' (and therefore you owe me some of your time now) and not 'I did your surgery with a team of competent people who I was absolutely dependent on.'

I could list more things, like the fact that she did that while Efnisien was incredibly vulnerable and medicated, for example, but that's a good start! Dr Gary will probably list the rest, lmao. He's going to be furious.

Like, yes, did she eventually realise she'd fucked up and back out of there and get a nurse? Absolutely. Thank god she's not a total asshole. But did she 100% do a completely unethical thing that there could be professional consequences for? Absolutely. She should never have been in that room.

You can absolutely bet that she lied to the nurses by saying: 'Oh he was my surgical patient 3 years ago and I saved his life and I just wanted to remind him that his life is worth living' and just casually forgot 'also he tortured my son and my son's boyfriend and was a threat around my daughters and my son is the one responsible for his worst physical injury right now.'

Bridge interrogating Efnisien was bad. Lija doing this was worse. He's not her patient anymore, she discharged him years ago. And her casually asserting authority over him and his fragile and vulnerable body to the point that he profoundly regresses, and then not leaving after that, is a cruel thing to do. Whether she did have some good intentions there actually doesn't really matter, she dropped a bomb in Efnisien's lap, and she left a nurse to deal with the aftermath.

[not-poignant]

hi pia

do you have any advice on writing about controversial (but likeable) characters?

for some context, i'm writing a fic where one of the characters does a lot of horrible things do the other but i want to humanize him so he can eventually redeem himself later on in the story, leave the antagonist role behind & build a healthier relationship with the other character.

i know there's a difference between villains/antagonists/anti-heroes etc (atm i'm not sure which one he is) but i do know that i want my readers to forgive him in the end.

how would i go about doing this?

thank you in advance. i can't wait to read your new series!!!

Hi anon,

You can't make your readers forgive a character. All you can do is present the evidence and see what happens.

Do you know how many people hate Augus? Just hate him? Completely hate that he exists and believe he's just the worst? It's a lot of people!! Anon, I'm here to tell you that while some people enjoy my bad guys / antagonists / anti-heroes, there's plenty who are like 'fuck that guy how dare you write a whole story about an asshole like this' and either don't read, feel angry, feel disappointed, etc.

My expectation wasn't that people would 'forgive' someone like Efnisien and I still don't expect them to! Firstly, he didn't hurt them, so the concept of forgiveness from readers is really weird to me, and secondly there are a ton of valid reasons to not give Efnisien the time of day as a character.

There is no guaranteed way to make your readers do anything. Anon, I have written characters I hated more than anything and wanted people to hate, and some folks desperately wanted to fuck those characters literally immediately. Readers are amazing. :D And also pure chaos.

So let's get all of that out of the way. I can't teach you how to do something that - to me - doesn't exist (i.e. making readers do stuff - they do what they want, as they should, and I can hope for certain responses but honestly I like all the responses except the 'this is boring' response lmao), and is kind of weird to expect from readers in the first place (I have never, in my life, expected 'forgiveness' from a reader to any of my characters).

Anyway, now to the part of your question I think I can actually address:

do you have any advice on writing about controversial (but likeable) characters?

As always, feel free to ignore this! This is just what I personally recommend, and you don't have to do it, lol.

* Look at the characters you find controversial but likeable in the movies, TV shows, webcomics, fanfics, novels etc. that you enjoy. Write down a list of about five of your absolute favourites. Write down the things that you think make them controversial, and then write down the things that you personally love about them.

That's your compass. That, more than anything, matters most here. You need to have a solid internal idea of what makes a character likeable to you.

* Next, see if there was a turning point for you. Did you love them from the beginning? Or did you come to love them over time? Why? I loved Silco from the beginning of Arcane, but I loved him even more once he met Jinx (specifically the moment where he holds her in the rain). Family bonding / found family was a turning point for me.

Look specifically for characters that you've had internal turning points for. Write down what caused that turning point for you. It isn't always something that makes sense, and sometimes it's as simple as 'wow that villain was really hot and charismatic in that scene' and has nothing to do with an emotional moment or soft connection. But see if there are any similarities. Chances are you want to write the kind of character/s you enjoy seeing or reading most, you want to attract the kind of people who enjoy that too!

* It can help to give your character an actual motivation, and a meaningful one ideally. Maybe they're acting out due to past trauma, maybe they're being cruel or evil because they are angry due to how a loved one was treated, maybe they genuinely believe all rich people deserve to die, etc. 'Character does chaotic horrible things for no reason' gives readers absolutely no reason to like them. (Though some still will if they're charismatic enough).

* It can help to 'punish' your character somehow. Augus was brutally assaulted by Gwyn while trapped in a prison, and most people do eventually feel sorry for him. Efnisien lives a bleak life with fairly significant disability. The Raven Prince was depressed and suicidal and later heart-broken, and spends an awful lot of time trapped in the form of a raven.

* Redemption to the readers does not matter as much as redemption to the other character. I cannot stress that enough. If you write a fairly realistic redemption story where your other character can slowly come to believe what's happening, where your other character can realise they're more human, in a way that seems realistic and leaves room for their full scope of emotional responses, and doesn't force them to 'forgive' or do any of that nonsense (that can seem kind of didactic, be wary of didactic writing where you're trying to make your reader believe something), then a reader is far more likely to accept that, even if they still don't like the villain/antagonist.

As a case in point, because Jack really loved Gavril throughout The Golden Age that Never Was, even though Gavril was one of my most egregious and evil villains ever, a lot of people a) didn't want to believe Gavril was evil for a long time and b) a lot of more people than usual made excuses for him! Way more than if Jack hated him from the outset. Look at how your other characters are responding to the antagonist.

People came around to Augus in part because a) he was suffering a lot lmao and b) because Gwyn started to feel like maybe Augus wasn't entirely in his right mind and is clearly suffering. Gwyn's shift represented a shift in most readers. If your readers are really sympathetic to your other character, they will generally empathetically shift as that character shifts. But not always. And, frankly, some people will hate a 'sympathetic character' for liking an abuser or a villain or an antagonist. There are people who hate Eran for putting up with Mosk, people who hate Gwyn for letting Augus treat him badly, etc. (And there are people who hate Eran for abusing Mosk, and so on and so forth).

But by and large, if you can make a character's humanising journey visible to your other character, the readers will often see and respond to that.

* A final note, it can help to show - sometimes - a character trying to be kinder or more understanding and getting rejected because no one trusts them yet. I don't use this technique very often, but other people do, and it can be successful. I think you can see this happening during the end of Arcane vs. what Jinx thinks she hears and acts on (due to lack of trust) vs. what's actually being said.

***

I hope that helps! I definitely suggest getting a good collection of 'resources' or reference characters that suit exactly what you love about a good villain/antagonist-turned-anti-hero and what turning points have worked for you, and what techniques you've seen used to really help with sympathy. I actually think Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender is a really sophisticated example of redeeming a character.

I also think it's worth putting the concept of 'making your readers' do anything and the concept of 'reader forgiveness' in the bin. You don't need either, lol. You can encourage them! And you can just present an interesting story that you believe in and hope for the best. I love that I can't make my readers do stuff. It makes it very exciting when a writing technique works, and super interesting when the unexpected happens, and frankly, it's made me look at some characters twice when I wouldn't have even looked at them once.

Remember, I only ever ended up writing Game Theory because a couple of people were interested in the pairing at a time when I had zero interest in a) the pairing or b) keeping Augus alive. Sometimes your readers doing the unexpected and paying attention to that when it happens opens up big doors. :)

[not-poignant]

Ok so I know it was a past arc but I’ve been doing a ffs reread and was wondering.

What would Arden have done if Efs attempt was successful. Would he have been able to recover and move past? Or since we are here and I was wondering like. Amnesia au, Ef survives and loses his memory for a while and then is found again and like the question of is it right to make him remember all his trauma all over (though I know amnesia like that can sometimes just go away) I’ve much to ponder!!!

Okay so first things first, I hate hate hate amnesia stories (you didn't know but it's a squick of mine), but it's unethical and horrible as all hell to withhold someone's traumatic past from them just because they don't remember it. Like the visceral 'yuck' response I had to even the idea of that is profound. It's not even a question of if it's right - it's right and ethical and the right thing to do to tell them. But this is one of the many reasons I hate hate hate amnesia fics, the fact that this could ever even be a question fills me with horror and existential dread over the fact that people might withhold the actual authentic truth from me about my own life were anything like that to ever happen to me.

(The other issue I have with it is that 'amnesia fics where the character never recovers their past memories' should be marked with a Major Character Death warning because imho killing the character's mind and personality permanently is the same thing.)

So that's out of the way, sorry anon, I just don't think there's ever anything ethical about withholding someone's truth from them for any reason, and anyone who thinks there is - is putting their own selfish thoughts about 'saving someone' before a person's reality. There is no true 'do over' re: trauma. It is in the body as well as in the mind. And there's nothing to stop the person from having horrific flashbacks down the track and then literally think they're insane because no one told them the truth. If folks want to write that in fic more power to them but I reserve the right to yeet those fics into the sun (i.e. close the tabs or just never see them). Gross.

*takes a deep breath* *sips some tea* I have to stop or I'll just start ranting asdlkfjdafsa (ranting more).

As to Efnisien's suicide attempt, Arden would have recovered and found ways to enjoy life again. That's what people do after tragedies. It's pretty universal. Unless you develop something like Complicated Grief and even that's not meant to be static, and requires professional treatment and support.

It would have taken him a long time, a lot of therapy, and I imagine he might avoid people with PTSD in the future, or he might simply never have another partner because he was happy not having partners in the first place until Efnisien. But it's not like he'd ever forget Efnisien or not be upset about it in the future. Grief re: the loss of a loved one lasts forever. You don't forget it, you just...find a way to keep living and eventually grow room to have good things in your life again.

This was a pretty depressing ask, anon! I hope you're taking care, because I don't think this is where everyone's mind goes when they read FFS.

[not-poignant]

Hiiii :) you said before that Arden will shower and masturbate thinking of Ef after a scene, does Ef know about that? And what he actually will feel about it if he knew?

And what Arden actually think while doing that? Is it like romantic intimate thoughts? Or is he picturing doing wild things to Ef? Lol!

So Arden has definitely indicated to Efnisien that he deals with his arousal alone (i.e. masturbates).

‘If that happens – if – we’re going to have a talk about it, like we’re talking today. So, I find you arousing, and I find the things we do together arousing, however I feel no pressure or obligation to deal with that while we’re together. Is that all right?’

And then he basically double checks that this is all right with Efnisien (who does understand what Arden is indicating here) and Efnisien agrees that it's fine. So we have the answer to your first two questions (yes, Efnisien knows, and he's fine with it).

Arden is really not thinking about soft romantic things while jerking off, I don't know that many people really do just think about nice romantic things, honestly? Like some do and that's fine! But Arden likely imagines a whole bevy of scenes, from fucking Efnisien, to bringing him off, to having him in his complete control and listening to him beg etc. Just basically visceral things. Nothing really that wild by Arden's standards, but still pretty intense given they may never get to a point where Arden fucks Efnisien.

Arden doesn't tell him the specifics because he doesn't want Efnisien to feel pressured or obligated, and because in some ways, that - right now - is none of Efnisien's business. They're not really a 'thought police' kind of relationship where they judge what the other is thinking about like that. (Like, if Efnisien did have issues with Arden jerking off while thinking of him, Efnisien should probably see his therapist about that, because it's not healthy to take a position of trying to control another person's thoughts this way).