#this shouldn’t be my joy and purpose in life and identity!! how do I stop the thing that’s been wrong with me for like 10 years now

[mrburnsnuclearpussy]

I wish so badly that I never started watching Downton abbey because here I am now having near anxiety attacks over a fictional character and it’s just miserable and I want out!!!! This obsession hurts more than it feels good but I can’t get rid of it and idk how 😭

[ratinthedeadhouse]

Forbidden Love

My heart is devoted to the one I shouldn’t love...

Fyodor x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Trying to keep it fluff.

"... A demon you say?" You question with hesitation, pale face bearing a frown as you try to put all the puzzles together. "That man is the super ability user and a terrorist that Yokohama is so desperate to catch? The very man, I spent countless evenings going to museums and libraries with? The very man with his astonishing diamond brain had helped me solve several murder cases?"

Silence settled between you and other Special Division Forces agents who glared at you with fear or utter confusion.

Nobody knew of your accidental connection with Fyodor Dostoevsky, or simply known as Demon Fyodor, and it sure was a surprise to you when your (e/c) eyes noticed a familiar face on all the screens and papers in the office with a screaming title: 'Wanted Criminal. Terrorist. Fyodor Dostoevsky. Highest rank ability user. Ability unknown.'

You honestly had no idea who the mysterious slender man was when you first met him at the museum. He looked charmingly tired, sharp purple eyes looked deeply into your soul while you both stood, rather awkwardly, near a woodblock painting that depicted the suffering of young children and women. Their weak bodies engulfed by flames, others were drowning in the peaceful veil of water. Despite the horrible scenario the colours united in harmony making you both stare at it for longer than you should have.

"The choice of the colour pallet... It mocks their suffering" you stated after a while, rather talking to yourself but hoping, subconsciously, that a curious stranger with a funny white hat would respond to your comment. To your amusement he did.

"Mhm," he nodded at first, pinching his chin like philosophers do while thinking and then slowly added: "Maybe the painter wanted to tell us that not all sufferings are recognizable at first glance. I noticed when walking up to the painting, the bright colours made me think of happiness and kindness, however, now that we stand closer to it we see that their very souls are in terrible agony" Fyodor's voice was soft like moonlight rays with a gentle touch of a foreign accent.

"I suppose... It depicts life itself. We never know how much one suffers due to the façade they’re putting" you said with a sad smile. At this very moment you looked delightful, Fyodor found a strange pleasure in watching your serious face merging into a saddened frown. And oh, he did it on purpose. He could've chosen a less explicit interpretation of the absurd painting but in his calculated mind he knew that this version would strike you the most... And he was right.

You still didn't move from the tiny painting, twirling a strand of your silky, (h/c) hair around your finger, beautiful eyes glued to the painting but your thoughts wandered far away. 

It took one glance from Fyodor to understand your entire being, no matter how complicated you think of yourself - to him you are an open book, and he could not resist the urge to live the faint mark on one of those innocent, white pages. 

“I apologize if my interpretations upset you, miss...” started Fyodor with a polite smile curving upon his frail face, but was interrupted by your sudden enthusiastic reply:

“Oh, please don’t apologize. One is a fool if they are not moved or hurt by art” your voice was gentle and soft and Fyodor couldn’t help but love your words. 

Perhaps you two were more similar than he thought at first. In any case, enchanted by your watchful careful eyes, your smile and graceful movements of your hands, your speech and voice - he couldn’t just let you go like that, out of his sight. 

A man tilted his head sideways a little, looking pleasantly amused, letting his dark locks fall upon his cheek, gently. “It seems that I found a charming lady who shares a similar view on things with me” something bittersweet hid in his words but it didn’t matter to you. 

With a small, delightful laugh you move your right hand forward: “My name is, (y/n). A pleasure to meet you” 

Expecting a handshake you watched as the man in a long dark cape came closer, gently grabbed your pale small hand and softly kissed the back of your hand;

“A beautiful name for a beautiful lady” he murmured watching how your pupils dilate. “My name is Fyodor. Would you agree to spend the rest of the evening in my company?”

Walking around with a stranger whom you’ve just met seemed like a ridiculous idea... But you felt safe around him, although his eyes were dark as a bottomless well, you agreed but made a promise to yourself to stay on guard. However, he cast away all your suspicions in just a few hours. 

You became good friends, discussing ancient Myths and modern poetry embarked on philosophical journeys sitting in the dim corner of the library simply enjoying the presence of each other. He even played his cello for you under the mocking bright moon. His words and the depths of thought sometimes caught you off guard however, you were able to track his line of thoughts and in return challenged him with your endless and charming affection. 

Fyodor never learnt what the word love truly meant. He could explain its psychological and physiological effect but never experienced it himself. He was in absolute control over his feelings and that is why he felt confused when you would meet him with a bright, loving smile that changed into a slightly concerned frown when you noticed dark eye-bags on his face. Why did you notice it? Why did you care? Who gave you the power to capture his heart so suddenly and so... wrongly? 

For the first time in a long while, Dostoevsky felt as if he made a dreadful mistake. At first, he thought of you as a pawn. Easy to move and easy to get rid of. But you reminded him of himself... yet you were so much better! Despite your intellect and wittiness, you had a warm, loving heart, that even accepted a demon like him. It all changed when you finally opened up to him about your placement of work. That’s when he realised how forbidden your relationship would be. Soon you would find out anyway about his identity, his goals and... it would wound you. Deeply. 

Soon he stopped coming to the museum where you two would usually meet. You remember that day. You took his favourite tea from the shop and held it in your cold hands while the hot drink burnt your fingers. 

‘He will never come again’

You felt as if you lost a piece of your heart. But you never cried about it and kept all the memories of the mysterious man named Fyodor close to your heart, or rather what was left of your heart. 

But now it all makes sense. The puzzle is complete. You stand in the room full of your colleagues who proceed to glare at you in silent amusement and your heart leapt in ecstasy. The adrenaline rushed through your blood as your cheeks turned red - you felt like the main character of your own story, engaged in a forbidden relationship with the demon himself. 

You didn’t care about the consequences but on entering the Special Prison for the restrained Ability Users, shadows of doubt crept within your heart. 

“Please wait here, ma’am. You sure you want to interrogate him?”

“Yes” 

“In terms of emergency, we won’t be able to assist you immediately... ” 

“I understand”

The heavy door was shut behind you, a metal desk was drilled into the floor and so were the chairs. No windows - just solid rock walls that reminded you of a medieval dungeon, except there were no cracks at all. Finally, you heard footsteps and another door before you was opened. 

“Good afternoon, Fyodor,” you said in a strict tone trying to hide your excitement as much as you could. 

His lilac eyes widened in surprise, thin lips parted as he watched you right there before him. In his head, he tried to process why you came out of your way to see him? Did he not abandon you back then? Did you not realise what a hateful creature he was? 

“(Y/n)... Why are you here?” he questioned curiously. 

You were now completely alone in the interrogation - underground cell. He watched you come closer to him with a soft smile looking with kindness into his soulless eyes... 

“Why, you ask? Because I love you. That is the only concept you failed to fully understand. Monsters have hearts as well, they just need to learn how to love” words fell softly from your rosy lips while Fyodor closed his eyes and chuckled to himself. 

“Talking to you is pure joy (y/n)! Love is the ultimate atonement of all human sins. Even a Devil needs someone to love him at the end of his immortal life...“

“... Angels did fight for Faust’s soul at the end, despite all his reckless deeds” you added referencing the work of a German poet, Goethe. 

Fyodor sighed. He reached his slender cold hand towards you and you grabbed it without hesitation. 

“Will you be... my angel, (y/n)?”

You nodded raising your bright eyes at him. A soft kiss was placed upon your forehead before he hugged you letting you bury your face in his shoulder. You were like a blooming flower in his deadly grip... but he would never hurt you. Ever. 

People say the forbidden fruit is sweet... But is it so for the forbidden love that burns like fire?

 lmao part 2 is gonna be saddddd (if I get the motivation to even write it) 

[clevercorvidae]

BNHA Common Misconceptions

I’ve been seeing wayyy too much bs on my dash lately. So I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on some Controversy™

***Spoilers For The Manga***

1. “What the HPSC did to Hawks wasn’t bad”

A government organization putting a young child through rigorous training so that he can be used as a tool is bad. I don’t know why I have to spell that out

Hawks had to abandon his real name at a very young age. That’s damaging for a kid’s sense of identity. His identity as a person no longer has any separation from his work as a hero. Being a hero is all he is now. I wouldn’t be surprised if (provided Hawks’s wings are gone for good) he has an identity crisis after this arc because he can’t be “Hawks” anymore.

Hawks is based on Lionel Messi, a soccer player recruited at a young age in return for paying for his medical procedures. I’ve seen people say that Hawks chose to be a hero. One, he was a child, young children shouldn’t be making decisions like that. Two, we know based on context clues that Keigo was more than likely living in poverty, possibly with alcoholic parents, and we literally are told that the HPSC payed for his family’s living expenses. Do you really think Keigo had much of a choice here?

I’ve seen people say “it’s just like what UA is doing”. First of all, UA is called out for being irresponsible and endangering their students IN UNIVERSE. Second, Keigo was a young child, the UA kids are 15+. There’s a huge difference.

2. “Mitsuki isn’t abusive”

Honestly when it comes to her smacking Katsuki, I could excuse it as a joke done in poor taste and not hold it over her as a character.

Hitting him WASNT just discipline tho. You should never, ever, under any circumstances hit your kid. Fuck that noise.

What I really have an issue with is what she SAYS to Katsuki. Her guilt tripping him isn’t a throwaway line either. He repeats the sentiment that he is responsible for Kamino during Deku v Kacchan 2. It’s one of the main reasons he fights Deku.

Horikoshi says that Katsuki has a good relationship with his mother. In that case, he did a horrible job at presenting that. What is written in the canon is what should be used as the basis for how we interpret her character.

3. “Shigaraki chose to kill his family/was born evil”

No...just...no. He was FIVE for crying out loud.

He wanted to be a hero, and took extra care to play with kids that had no friends. He definitely wasn’t born evil lmao.

His quirk manifested while he was having an emotional crisis. Decay is controlled by emotion so of course it went haywire.

He didn’t even know it was him doing it at first.

“But Shigaraki said he WANTED it to happen” Shigaraki is an unreliable narrator. What we actually SEE tells a very different story. He reaches out to Hana and his Mother for help. His grandparents are just caught in the shockwave. The ONLY person he killed on purpose was his father.

Now when it comes to his father, he had just beat him and locked him outside. He’s FIVE, and he has no healthy outlet for his anger and frustration. Hell, we see that in his “itchiness”, he only feels like this in the house, because his father makes him suppress his love for heroes and his dream to become one. He takes joy in killing his father because it’s the only release he’s ever experienced.

The fact that you guys forget that this is an abused child with no real control over his quirk that just got beaten and locked outside... Nope, no reading comprehension here.

4. “The League of Villains are justified/are a revolutionary group”

...Shigaraki has stated over and over again that he just wants to destroy everything. He doesn’t care about reform or improving anything. That one panel in Ch. 222, where he says he wants to destroy everything I think sums it up perfectly.

He wants to destroy EVERYTHING good or bad or neither or both. There’s a newborn baby, a field of flowers , Nine, various heroes, the UA kids, etc all varying in innocence.

The rest of the league have very different goals and reasons why they continue to support Shigaraki. Twice wants to protect the only people that accepted him. Spinner just wants to have purpose for his life. Toga wants to live the way she wishes with no consequences. Compress is also here.

The only “revolutionary” is Dabi. But his views are not universal throughout the league.

Even if they were trying to improve things. They have killed countless innocent people, they’ve tried to kill the UA kids too. That’s not ok. And it’s not erased by the fact that they’ve done good. (I do appreciate them for killing the MHA version of the KKK, truly epic of you)

5. “Hawks is abusive”

It’s not abuse to manipulate someone for info when you’re a double agent. It’s kinda shitty, and you could argue that it was unnecessary for Hawks to do so in context. But it’s not abuse.

Y’all need to stop using the word abuse/abusive tendencies to describe all immoral actions

I’ve also seen people say that Hawks has abusive tendencies (as in he’s abusive in all his relationships with other characters) and...do I really need to explain why that makes no sense at all?

6. “Twice deserved to die/it was necessary to kill him”

Feel like I need to remind people that we’ve only ever actually seen Twice kill one guy and that was one of the KKK guys.

Twice isn’t evil, even Hawks admits that he is a genuinely good person. Good people don’t deserve to die.

It wasn’t necessary, and here’s why: Hawks could’ve just knocked him out or even just severely injured him. (Or the HPSC could’ve just grown a brain cell and sent more people to back him up, making it easier to hold back his quirk and arrest him)

Hawks shouldn’t have killed Twice, he only killed him because he’s been raised as a child soldier and I wouldn’t be surprised if what he told Twice about taking out villains was a direct quote from the HPSC

Also, Hawks would’ve killed Twice with or without Dabi’s intervention

Something I do have to say though is that Hawks was right not to just let Twice go. It’s tragic because Twice WAS leaving to help his friends, but the other side of that tragedy it that his friends are terrorists. If he was allowed to leave a shit ton of people would have died (again that doesn’t mean he deserved to die either, don’t get it twisted)

The WHOLE POINT of Hawks v Twice is to make you question who the bad guy is. Both characters are morally gray and the only reason they even have to fight is because of the outside forces controlling their fates. It’s supposed to be tragic it’s supposed to be unclear who is in the right, so stop arguing about it.

7. “Bakugou is abusive/irredeemable” (I know it’s been talked to death but I still see it everywhere)

People are, in fact, allowed to grow past the person they were in middle school.

Most people get hung up on the “throw yourself off a building” line. Which is fair, but again, he was in middle school.

People also say “he hasn’t apologized yet”. Yeah? And? The story isn’t over yet. Horikoshi has already acknowledged that too. I don’t know what you want? People who like him know that his arc isn’t over yet.

I’ve seen a lot of people denying his character development. In the beginning of the series he was a bully and let his ego control him. I don’t think he’s bullied...anyone since Deku v Kacchan 2. He insults people but they obviously don’t take it seriously.

He’s also gone from preferring to fail a final exam to avoid working with Deku, to following him into battle against Shigaraki.

Also, when he actually likes and respects someone he doesn’t mistreat them. This is the same thing with Hawks where y’all NEED to stop misusing the word abuse. He was an abusive friend to Deku when they were kids, that’s it.

8. “Rei was abusive too!”

I’m BEGGING YOU to learn what the term “abuse” means istg

She had a psychotic break. She genuinely thought it was her abusive husband coming through the door, and she acted out of fear.

“Well that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is. Not to mention that as soon as she realized what happened, she sobs hysterically because she hurt Shouto and tries to use her quirk to help him.

I genuinely don’t understand why people think this

9. “Dabi actually does care about the league”

Listen, I know it sounds harsh, but y’all need to get your heads out of your piles of headcanons.

We know next to nothing about how Dabi feels about just about anything. But we do see that he’s aloof and distant with the league, he doesn’t put in more than he needs to. The rest of the league think of each other as family. Dabi straight up says he doesn’t give a shit about them.

“What if he was just putting up a front for Hawks” Why? Why would he do that? When asked who he was he answered him. He tells him how he feels about hero society and Stain. Not to mention that he was getting ready to kill him. If he was hiding his true feelings about the league I doubt he would’ve so easily said that he didn’t care about them but rather how useful they were.

At this point it’s just wishful thinking. Based on everything we’ve seen in the series so far and everything we know about Dabi, I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t care about them all that much. If he secretly does care about them, I’d say it’s likely that he doesn’t even know he does.

Idk why all of a sudden villain stans and hero stans are feuding over things that shouldn’t even be up for debate in the first place. Sorry if this came off as super aggressive, I’m just sick of seeing this stuff all over the place. If anyone has anything to add go ahead

[cargopantsman]

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper...  I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

[wolfywordweaver]

Here's my contribution to @transmagesweek day one! It started off as a "prom" prompt with a side of "coming out" but somehow that got flipped around. XD

Enjoy!

**

I was pretty well terrified as we made our way across the Great Lawn and towards the lit up building where the Leaver's Ball was currently in full swing. Even from this distance I could see people dancing out in the patio, the fairy lights twinkling daintily above them. Penelope wasn't saying anything, but I knew that it was only because there really wasn't anything to say.

The gates hadn't opened for me and she needed to let me in.

Swallowing thickly, I wondered if I should even be here or doing this. Sure, it had seemed completely reasonable up to five minutes ago, but now I was second guessing myself. It was something I hadn't really ever had time to do until the last few months.

Funny how losing all your magic and purpose in life will do that to you.

Watford wasn't an option after the death of the Humdrum and the Mage, and I spent the remaining months of Eighth year on the Bunces' couch. Every interaction with the Mage had been analyzed. Each fight with the Humdrum and its monsters replayed. Years of struggling with my magic observed from every angle of memory, and even all my interactions with Baz came under the light of introspection.

I couldn't talk about most of this with my therapist. She was a stranger, and as well meaning as she was it wasn't like I could just flip the switch of my upbringing. I still mistrust, am nervous, and the nightmares continue.

The flutter of my heavy wings remind me that many things are different too. The dragon wings and the devil tail have been a confusing albeit enlightening addition to my life. They were really what set me on the journey towards this evening, hours thinking about them drawing my attention to something else that seemed so obvious that it was actually embarrassing that I hadn't noticed it before.

Being the Chosen One will do that to you.

Keep you from noticing things, like how badly you want to snog your roommate or how the discomfort in my skin could mean more than just the sheer pressure of magic trying to spill out of me.

It had started with the musings over my wings and tail, something that I thought would go away since I no longer had magic, but the idea began to sprout even more after a comment from Penny.

"When have you ever fit into any box, Simon?"

She had meant it in consolation, not as something as earth-shattering as it had been. But there it was, a truth that I didn't even know I was looking for.

All my life I had been put into boxes by others. Orphan. Foster kid. Normal. Mage. Chosen One. Hero. Good.

Male.

When I'd talk to the Mage about feeling strange in my skin, about not feeling normal or comfortable, he'd always tell me it was because I was the Chosen One. Different from everyone else and full of more magic than any Mage in the history of the world. It stood to reason that if I was no longer the Chosen One and didn't have any more magic, I still shouldn't feel that way.

But I did.

My wings and tail oddly helped with that. They were in the way all the time and completely impractical, but they were a physical representation of something that I knew in my heart. I may be a Normal, but I wasn't...normal. When I flew over the tree tops at the nearby park, magicked invisible by a nervous Penny, it felt good. It felt free. My tail whipped around loosely and I felt at peace.

The euphoria lasted after I landed and until some girl passing me and Penny mentioned that I made a cute boyfriend. She was apparently some Normal friend that Penelope had back in elementary and Penny quickly corrected her, but I felt the bubble of joy pop.

Boyfriend.

I wasn't even appalled at the idea itself since me and Penny being a couple was complete tosh, but I was still bothered for days. Bothered enough that I brought it up to Penny. Three weeks of discussions that I could barely get out the words for and one weekend with a worried Baz later and I finally brought a printed internet article to her.

"This," I stated nervously as I held the paper out. "This is kind of what it feels like."

Brown eyes studied me for a moment before she took the pages and quickly read over them. "This is...a trans person's experience."

"I know," I whispered, tail whipping behind me in agitation and my wings tensing. "Is that bad?"

"Not at all, Simon." Her calm response eased my worry a bit and when she finished the article, Penny looked right up at me without disgust or fear or anger. "Are you a girl?" she asked curiously. My immediate balking startled a laugh out of her before drawing one out of me. "Nope, okay. What are you thinking, Simon?"

A shrug was my immediate response, but I sat next to her on the floor and stole one of her crisps before deciding that words were needed.

"I don't know yet. I've read things online about non-binary and genderfluid and even neopronouns, but it's all a bit much."

"Gender is weird," she agreed. "But it's not like you have a due date to figure it all out. Take your time."

After another thoughtfully chewed up crisp, I asked the question that was really bothering me about the whole situation. "Do you think...that is...maybe Baz won't...he doesn't have to..."

She looked at me in surprise. "You don't really think that a guy who's been obsessed with you for literal years is going to suddenly lose interest because you're having a gender identity crisis, do you?"

I shrugged again. "He's well gay, yeah? Gay guys only like boys."

"And Normals don't ever have magic," she chuckled while gesturing a hand at me. "Simon, have you ever fit into a box properly?"

It was like a sign from heaven, and I lit up immediately. The words that she had used to feed that niggling little seed of doubt were now being used to comfort me again, and it felt even more true now than it did a couple of months ago.

So here I was, a Normal walking through the Watford School of Magicks. A Normal whose large red wings were on full display thanks to Penny's careful magicking of a gauzy sleeveless shirt, and my tail sticking out of a slot that had been altered in a pair of high-waisted slacks we found at the thrift store.

"You don't have to walk me all the way inside," I offered quietly. Penelope had made it clear that she was going to leave as soon as I got there, and I didn't want her to feel awkward or badly walking all the way out on her own.

"It's okay," she huffed, her eyes fixed on the large wooden door we were approaching. "I want to catch a glance at Basilton's face."

A blush bloomed on my freckled cheeks and she laughed with an ease that filled my fond heart.

"You think he'll like...this?"

I didn't look much different besides the unusual appendages and clothing I'd never been seen in before, but somehow I felt another step closer to knowing who I was.

"Simon, he'd like you even if you were covered in merewolf blood and gore."

"Ugh, gross."

"He'd make you shower first, but yes, even that wouldn't put him off." Taking a deep breath and nodding, I moved to grab at the door handle before she stopped my hands. "No, wait. Let me."

Stepping back, I was surprised to see her put her ring hand up and hold it towards the door. "Wha-?"

"Baz isn't the only one who deserves a dramatic entrance," she smirked. "Open sesame!"

And like magic, a wind kicked up at the same moment the doors flung open, and my wings instinctively spread out to feel the breeze roll over them so that I wouldn't be accidentally pulled back. Everyone's eyes turned towards me, but before I could get flustered and embarrassed I caught sight of wide grey eyes and a mouth hanging open in shock.

I'd made Baz speechless.

[rye-views]

A Promised Land by Barack Obama. 8/10

I would recommend this book to my friends. I would reread this book.

There are certain things that Barack articulates that I’m thankful for. His over-optimism and feelings of eccentricity. I completely related to its isolating feelings even though it wasn’t the same situation and experience as mine. It’s nice to see something similar from someone different. I also liked his description of feeling everything in its entirety and how it was like a movie splice. I have felt this many times and it’s a beautiful way to describe it. I like how so much of what Barack says, thinks, and feels are so genuine and relatable. It's nice to see someone articulate and empathize this well, esp. from a man and a man in power.

I love learning that Michelle was disappointed by the situation caused by his choices at times. Other things were more important at the time and nice to see it be relevant.

It’s interesting to see the difference between this book and “Becoming.” They have different aims, but it still shows me a difference between a man and woman. I also notice that when men are described, it’s always physical. When it’s women, it’s more character and personality.

Crazy how intelligent and emotionally aware Barack is. When he stated how he couldn't just pick and choose the good things of Reverend Wright's church, I was like true and wow.

The things that Toot taught Barack is what someone should've taught me as I grew up.

Barack comparing the rides to Noah's Ark is amusing.

When he mentions translations of what the Big 4 are saying, I think about how we can't be straightforward in politics. Why not?

It took me forever to read this because I really wanted to absorb the knowledge. There's a lot of events that are covered and things I had no idea about. I love how this catalogues so much of history that were relevant to my lifetime.

Memorable Quotes: “gives even my roughest drafts too smooth a gloss and lends half-baked thoughts the mask of tidiness” “I needed to focus on only those things to come.” “Much of what I read I only dimly understood” “a bond between those who had once seemed far apart.” “Whatever it was, I knew I wasn’t ready.” “An America that could explain me.” “I suffered rejections and insults often enough to stop fearing them.” “Enthusiasm makes up for a host of deficiencies.” “Failure and want were all around you.” “It should have been enough.” “but my mother was never one to see hard work as anything but good.” “On top of my sorrow, I felt a great shame.” “There’s a physical feeling, a current of emotion that passes back and forth between you and the crowd, as if your lives and theirs are suddenly spliced together, like a movie reel, projecting backward and forward in time, and your voice creeps right up to the edge of cracking, because for an instant, you feel them deeply; you can see them whole. You’ve tapped into some collective spirit, a thing we all know and wish for – a sense of connection that overrides our differences and replaces them with a giant swell of possibility – and like all things that matter most, you know the moment is fleeting and that soon the spell will be broken.” “To be a workhorse not a show horse – that was my goal.” “I had become a mere conduit through which people might recognize the value of their own stories, their own worth, and share them with one another.” "Yes we can." “the personal really was political” “I had to listen to, and not just theorize about, what mattered to people.” “it wasn’t so much what he did as how he made you feel. Like anything was possible. Like the world was yours to remake.” “It’s hard, in retrospect, to understand why you did something stupid.” “In fact, you shouldn’t even count on my vote.” “What do you consider your place in history?” “I could take a punch. And I didn’t give up.” “I knew I could afford to be patient.” “but the only way for Daddy to disguise himself is if he has an operation to pin back his ears.” “Forgotten people and forgotten voices remained everywhere.” “the more troops would become targets of an enemy they often could not see and did not understand.” “The power to inspire is rare. Moments like this are rare. You think you may not be ready, that you’ll do it at more convenient time. But you don’t choose the time. The time chooses you.” “people were moved by emotion, not facts.” “Beneath the low-key person and deep convictions, he just plain liked the combat.” "defined not by what they are but what they can never be." "To the relief of his keepers, the bear became accustomed to captivity." "he understood better than most the complications of race, religion, and family, and how good and bad, love and hate, might be hopelessly tangled in the same heart" "She was one of those quiet heroes that we have all across America." "But I worry that my memories of that night, like so much else that's happened these past twelve years, are shaded by the images that I've seen, the footage of our family walking across the stage, the photographs of the crowds and lights and magnificent backdrops." "a keeper of values we'd once thought ordinary but had learned were more rare than we had ever imagined." ""It's going to be hard to get the public excited about food stamps and repaving roads," Axe said. "Not real sexy."" "This time I said nothing, admiring his occasional, almost endearing ability to state the obvious." "You must be under the mistaken impression that I care." "all of them unified only in their common desire to be somewhere else." "ready to die for eternal joy--or maybe just a taste of something better." "But make no mistake, it was weird." "the unspoken regrets." "my supporters lacked all conviction, while my opponents were full of passionate intensity." "Michelle was someone who started from the heart and not the head, from experience rather than abstractions." "I wanted to believe that the ability to connect was still there. My wife wasn't so sure." “The

audacity of hope.” "Sometimes your most important work involved the stuff nobody noticed." "forgotten under the accumulation of the new joys and paints that make up a life." "you learn to improvise to meet your objectives--or at least to cut your losses." "They would take for granted that their aunt was on the U.S. Supreme Court, shaping the life of a nation--as would kids across the country. Which was fine. That's what progress was like." "Did they miss the rhythms of ordinary life? Were they lonely? Did they sometimes feel a jolt in their heart and wonder how it was that they had ended up where they were?" "I reminded myself that every president felt saddled with the previous administration's choices and mistakes, that 90 percent of the job was navigating inherited problems and unanticipated crises. Only if you did that well enough, with discipline and purpose, did you get a real shot at shaping the future." "Was it possible that abstract principles and high-minded ideals were and always would be nothing more than a pretense, a palliative, a way to beat back despair, but no match for the more primal urges that really moved us, so that no matter what we said or did, history was sure to run along its predetermined course, an endless cycle of fear, hunger and conflict, dominance and weakness?" "meant to be a reminder--in a place premised on hate and intolerance--of the common humanity we share." "A man making up for things." "For war was contradiction, as was the history of America." "To be known. To be heard. To have one's unique identity recognized and seen as worthy. It was a universal human desire" "pleasures that cost nothing, belonged to no one, and were accessible to all." "I suppose, when the world slows down, your strivings get pushed to the back of your mind." "whether in my seeming calm as crises piled up, my insistence that everything would work out in the end, I was really just protecting my self--and contributing to her loneliness." "It was a lonely thought at a lonely time." "You never looked as smart as the ex-president did on the sidelines." "Get exposed to other people's truths, I thought, and attitudes change." "It wasn't often, I thought, that a true act of conscience is recognized that way." "their struggles and resentments troubling but remote." "are mere conduits for the deep, relentless currents of the times or whether we're at least partly the authors of what's to come." "contemplating the knife's edge between perceived success and potential catastrophe" "daily, unheralded acts of people who weren't seeking attention but simply knew what they were doing and did it with pride." "She makes me better as a person and better on the page."

[ifeveristoday]

I got out my DVDs for this rewatch (that’s not actually a big deal. I only have season 3 on DVD. 😂) so let’s get to it.

I forgot they did a cold open for this episode!

I know it’s for ambiance but man does Angel have a lot of candles displayed. Probably too ‘mainstream’ for his taste but the thought of Angel furtively going to a Bath and Bodyworks in the mall during their semi-annual sale and just buying out their whole candle selection gives me the purest joy. Let’s be real though, Angel would shop at some boutique/hole in the wall owned by a wizened old character with a twinkle in their eye and everything marked up 20%. Or it would be a steel and glass monstrosity with a collection labeled Candles for Men. That’s the range.

Back to the enormous fire hazard that this scene is -

Wait. Does fire burn on stone?

Shout out to the stunt doubles.

I think that Angel getting food for Buffy for a sort of alfresco picnic while training is really sweet, actually. Also, can't miss the opportunity for both carbs and phallic symbolism ala bread.

Everyone is so embarrassingly horny in this moment. I'd say get a room except they're in a whole giant mansion.

Always remember the bread! What did Angel do with the food after Buffy fled? Fed the no-doubt cursed pigeons that live in Sunnydale.

Thanks for the workout (insert stereotypical dirty laugh).

Oh yes, the awkward 'let's talk about your birthday without mentioning the last birthday you had at all because it's horrifying' chitchat. God, the anxiety Angel is radiating here and Buffy trying to smooth it over. You can't unfrost that trauma cake!

Angel, you utter dork. You're lucky Buffy finds you pretty. Very powerful himbo energy here. And it's nice to see some light-hearted flirting/banter between them.

How do you know when someone's aura's dirty? Buffy is only asking the reasonable questions everyone has.

Do you hear yourself, Giles. "I'm aware of your distaste in studying vibratory stones..." I can't imagine what that section of the Slayer handbook looks like. Are there pull-out charts?

Faith being conveniently gone for this episode. Boo, hiss.

That workout really did a number on Buffy. I see what you're doing with those crystals.

One of the sad parts of rewatching Buffy is that you just don't have the first time discovery feels of watching it - that magic is gone, but even though I know why Buffy's wobbling in her fight, the reveal is still upsetting. Thinking about how in Season 5, when she does get staked, just as she's questioning her powers - and here, where she's losing them.

Also, obvious observation is obvious - the sexual violence imagery is really, really blatant here - with the vampire crouched over her with the stake aimed toward her heart, just as she playfully staked Angel earlier in a more romantically set scene.

AND THEN THE THEME KICKS IN. Like, damn! Three minutes and you can pretty much tell what the plot is going to be - Buffy and Angel's UST is getting out of hand, Buffy's lone Rangering it, and something is wrong with her. And it's her birthday.

And Buffy's resourcefulness saves the day.

Perhaps you shouldn't be throwing knives in the library, Buffy.

Did they do a geography lesson on Cuernavaca? It's also just fun to say. Like La Cienega. Brief moment to ponder yet again about a show set in Southern California, actually shot in Southern California, with the huge Latine population we have and the Spanish-influenced names and culture and - getting sidetracked by all this casual 90s racism.

"We do it every year for my birthday," except your seventeenth, presumably because of the murderous ex-boyfriend stalking the town you live in and all your loved ones. [Or, he did take her and it was not shown on screen!] Sometimes I wonder if the continuity editors just go, you know, I'm going to let this one go for the 'emotion' and not just so years later, a Virgo with a deep-seated need to obsess over throwaway details will go into a thought spiral to make it make sense.

I think this is also the last time Hank Summers was spoken of with any real affection because then he was Deadbeat Dad for the remainder of the show. Oh, look. The Scoobies are surprised about the traditional birthday ice show that I'm going to nitpick about forever.

Oz is so supportive, and then the clunker of a 'deep' line of ice being cool because it's water then it's not. I do like the Whedonesque school of dialogue, but sometimes you gotta reel it back. I remember the dialogue on Dawson's Creek was getting pinged for the teenagers talking like grad students.

Quiet reflection. Oh you poor girl, you have no idea.

Quarterly projections - is a convincing filler phrase for when you don't need to know what the job is, because it's boring but sounds vaguely official. What does Hank actually do? Who cares! He's an asshole.

Sunnydale Arms, because of course, Sunnydale has a broken down abandoned murder hotel.

Quentin Travers. Boo. Hiss.

The scary music is very scary. Also one of the Council flunkies looks like a very young Vincent D'Onofrio.

This scene with them in the library is so bittersweet because Buffy is fishing for Giles's attention as a father figure substitute ("very sophisticated people go!" breaks my heart) and he pointedly is rejecting this for training talk.

Look for the flaw at its center. THE FLAW IS YOU GILES. YOU YOU YOU.

it's just so terrible, this scene because of how methodical and clinical it plays out. And Buffy is just not there, and then Giles smiles like nothing has happened.

Buffy makes it through another night - next day (another reason why this trial is so horrifying is that it takes place over several days - it's not on Buffy's birthday but leading up to it, so the idea of her getting weaker and weaker and unable to fight to make it to 18 in the first place) and it's time for the Cordelia has had enough of toxic masculinity scene!

Also, Willow blithely ignoring a person's feelings and treating Amy as just a rat is played for laughs and cuteness, but yeah...you can't treat people like puppets or rats [law and order sound]

I love Cordelia's coat. And also, while it does suck that she stood him up, he's not entitled to her time or attention and certainly not to threaten her. Go, Cordy! Fight like a girl! Yes! Pummel him into the hallway.

I also love Willow's outfit here because I think the colors are so complementary and warm and it's a cute outfit. Okay, the knit wooly hat is a bit too Blossom-esque, but whatever.

Buffy is tiny, we all know this, but I do think they purposefully dressed her in larger than her size coats in this episode to make her look even more tiny and vulnerable.

Giles is TOO BLASE for this scene also shut your mouth about throwing knives like a girl

"It's an archaic exercise in cruelty." SO WHY DID YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, BRAIN TRUST. (I am going to be very mean to Giles this whole rewatch, deal with it.)

"But I'm the one in the thick of it." No, you're not. You are going to be adjacent to it, at best.

Hey it's that guy!

Okay, in better lighting, flunkie does not look like Vincent D'Onofrio.

It's impossible to pin down one type of Vampire in the Whedonverse, except for the delineation between Grunt Bait Vampires, and Special Guest Star/Master vampires, but Kralik is the only other example of a vampire with mental illness besides Drusilla, yet he's medicated. Makes me wonder how exactly they got Kralik...he was a monster before he was a vampire, but who vamped him? I don't put it past the Watchers to have vampires created for this purpose.

Curse against lawyers!

Xander and Oz bonding over comic books is so fun. I regret they didn't really get closer until after Xander and Willow cheated because Oz was the one male friend Xander had.

They mentioned her birthday! Thinking about Buffy's love of poetry later on, this is a nice little detail, and it *is* a thoughtful, sweet gift. Also those poems: horny. Oh yes, maybe in a restrained way, but Elizabeth Barrett Browning knew what was up.

The Buffy and Angel relationship in season three is full of these starts and stops that I can see why and agree with others about how it's frustrating on a number of levels. They know why they can't be together, but they still try to find a common ground because they want to need the other one. They still have their identities to figure out - Buffy as the slayer and a young adult, Angel as a person, separate from Buffy and being Buffy's ex sort of maybe.

But this conversation in Helpless is genuinely sweet and a glimpse at what a normal couple at the crossroads would talk about - I think I'm also being soft on this because the other Important Male Figure in Buffy's life in this episode lets her down so spectacularly bad, that Angel being supportive and kind in his awkward way is a nice respite. It's good to be away from the angst and the horror that their relationship has had.

And the self-aware puncturing of the Moment between them is something Buffy does very well. "Taken literally, incredibly gross - I was just thinking that too". Look, it's cute and soft and I will allow it.

The horror of this episode (and there are so many) is that we have to watch Buffy become the helpless blonde in a slasher flick who is being chased by the monsters and she can't do anything about it - that she has to be rescued or die. That the real world with men catcalling and bystanders who ignore women's cries of distress is far scarier than the literal demons that inhabit the town - and Buffy brokenly saying she can't just be a person, she can't be helpless like that [like women are, still, today] is a gut punch. It's uncomfortable and unhappy because Buffy is supposed to be the hero, the [sigh] strong female lead who can kick ass and take names, and this episode is all about finding who Buffy is, separate from her super powers. Also an exercise in emotional torture, but must be Tuesday.

The physicality - the weakness that both Buffy and Giles display in this scene is so, so good. The way Buffy's hand trembles toward the needle in the case and the dawning realization of what Giles has done, has chosen to do - and he bloodlessly tells her what the Cruciamentum is.

Her tiny little "Liar."

GOD WHY DIDN'T SHE GET AN EMMY (rhetorical we all know genre tv only matters if it was Game of Rapey Thrones)

"You will be safe now, I promise you." LIAR.

Another puncturing a heavy moment - Cordelia as cavalry - I love it. Cordelia taking the most obvious approach to the situation - 'oh Buffy might have lost her memory, well he's Giles,'

I can't believe they robbed us of a conversation in the car scene with Cordy and Buffy.

Kralik had to have found a polaroid camera and a metallic sharpie for this whole scenario -- OH I KNOW WHO HE REMINDS ME OF. The Night Stalker and any number of serial killers that terrorized SoCal. Is the show being self-aware of the problem with mothers and parents in general?

Probably a glib accident.

I don't have much to say about the part where Buffy hunts Kralik because it's so masterfully done with the atmosphere and music.

Nice of Giles's backbone to enter the chat now.

This is not business. Ooo.

Buffy's "I thought I killed a man" emo overalls!

Like it's shadowy, but there's still enough light to see facial expressions. Lighting guy, I salute you.

Little red riding hood metaphor. Oh, that's so her stunt double.

CREEPY SEXUAL VIOLENCE REARS ITS DEFORMED HEAD AGAIN

Jump stair scare. I remember the first time I saw it, I jolted in the living room.

Serial Killer Shit. Why are vampires such drama queens?

THAT'S RIGHT, BUFFY DID THAT

The ending scene in the library is cathartic in that Buffy gets to stand up for herself finally, and recognizes what Giles gives up by helping her, delayed as it was, also there's the feeling of hate punching Quentin Travers via your eyes.

Still don't think she should have forgiven Giles so easily, but we don't get to see a lot of aftercare for Buffy when she gets hurt, and it is a very tender scene.

The Scoobies are being way too upbeat if they knew about the fact that Giles poisoned Buffy, which is why I'm assuming she told a very abbreviated version of events ending with Buffy killed the bad guy and Giles got fired, oops.

Xander's big strong man comment and then looking immediately to Willow to open the jar and not Oz...

I could watch this episode again with episode commentary from David Fury, but another day.

[sleepymarmot]

Opinion: MAG 187 doesn’t invalidate Helen’s more sympathetic moments

It is possible to interpret the episode as retconning everything the Distortion has ever said and done into a manipulation targeted at Jon, which would undo the character’s complexity and make them revolve entirely around the protagonist. The key for this interpretation seems to lie in the following exchange: 

ARCHIVIST You worked to hurt us and help us, all with the same smile, until we can barely tell one from the other. Keeping us off-balance, constantly second-guessing our own opinions of you. Never quite crossing a line we could never forgive, but never putting yourself on the line either. And when one face finally stopped smiling, you just changed the face.

HELEN Fine. So if that’s all true… why? Why would I do any of that? What’s my actual motive?

ARCHIVIST I don’t think you even have one. It’s just what you are.

But I don’t think most of what was said here is new information.

Let’s go back to season 3. Here’s how the newborn Helen Distortion explains her identity:

HELEN Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST What happened?

HELEN He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me. Lost my way.

In other words, the Distortion’s modus operandi is a long, long game of cat and mouse (see also: MAG 146 Threshold). Michael got sidetracked by his (or Michael Shelley’s) revenge against the Archivist(s) and decided to actually kill the mouse. But it was unnatural for the Distortion, so it shook off the troublesome identity, and Helen was both an instrument to get rid of Michael and a continuation of what was started by him and worked so well.

ARCHIVIST A-are you still going to kill me?

HELEN No. That was Michael’s desire, not mine.

The Distortion doesn’t want to send the Archivist into its corridors. Why would it, when it’s so rewarding to misdirect and mess with him in other ways?

Now, for episode 115.

HELEN I… I’m not… I’m not entirely sure. I’m… having trouble. I don’t think I was meant to be Helen.

ARCHIVIST I’m – I don’t understand.

HELEN Neither do I. Michael was… pulling away. His anger was interfering. I don’t, I don’t think I have a choice but to be Helen. Self is difficult.

ARCHIVIST Michael, he, uh, he, he wasn’t meant to be you either, though, was he?

HELEN No.

There’s an internal conflict between Helen and the Distortion -- just like there was between Michael and the Distortion. I don’t think the new episode invalidates or undoes that. On the contrary: it restated that Michael strayed from the Distortion’s purpose, which means Helen could have done the same.

HELEN Something happened when I became ‘Helen’. She wasn’t right, she wasn’t ready.

ARCHIVIST I don’t…

HELEN Before, talking to you made Helen feel better.

ARCHIVIST You’re not that Helen!

HELEN I just want… I just want to feel better.

Helen was supposed to be a meal that replenished the Distortion’s energy. But it seems that the food was not as fully digested as the Distortion would prefer, and tried to bite back.

ARCHIVIST Wh-what? Why should I believe… a-a-any of this? You’ve told me over and over that you’re… what was the phrase? The ‘throat of delusion’? All of this is –

HELEN I have never told you a lie, Archivist. I wouldn’t dare. I, I just thought you might understand.

ARCHIVIST Uh… How could I possibly…

HELEN We’re both changing, Archivist. I had hoped, that together –

The Distortion has never lied (and now we know why). The Distortion has truly changed. Its new face genuinely wanted Jon’s company, just like the previous face had wanted him dead. But both faces interact with Jon in a way that leaves him confused and upset, because such is their nature.

In MAG 131, Helen insists that her identity is not a mask but a new but inseparable part of herself. As we now know, she is not lying: 

ARCHIVIST

You’re still wearing her face.

HELEN

Not this again. I’m not “wearing” anything, Archivist. I am at least as much ‘Helen Richardson’ as you are the ‘Jonathan Sims’ that first joined this Institute. Things change. People change. It happens.

We get a double confirmation that Helen is different from the Distortion’s previous incarnations in MAG 146, in the words of both Helen and her victim:

This wasn’t like before; there was no playfulness here, none of that malicious joy that I had always felt coming off it. Now there was just a cold hunger, a deep anger, as though I had no right to just stand there looking at it. The street was silent, but I could feel it screaming at me to open it.

HELEN (all business) Oh, well; the son, I was pursuing long before I was even Michael. And technically, I didn’t eat the old man. He passed away from terror long before I got a chance to open properly.

ARCHIVIST His son Marcus – he – he was fine when I read his father’s statement two years ago, but now, suddenly, I can’t get through to him.

HELEN No. I imagine not. I decided it was time to finish that game a few months ago.

ARCHIVIST You – Why?

HELEN Not sure. I suppose Helen didn’t have quite the same attachment to him as a project. I’m not quite as much for decades-long campaigns of subtle terror these days.

ARCHIVIST (soft) That’s horrible.

HELEN Is it? We do what we need to do when it comes to feeding, don’t we? (pointed) Don’t we, Archivist?

Helen Distortion doesn’t derive joy from terrorizing people for months or years with doors. That’s just food now. Now she gets the same joy from messing with people with the help of her humanlike appearance and personality.

An often-quoted line from MAG 152:

HELEN Even if it were capable of doing so, what possible reason would the Eye have to change how you feel, when it makes no difference to your actions? Helen was like you, at first. She felt such guilt over taking people. Until one day she realized she wasn’t going to stop doing it. So she chose to stop feeling guilty.

Again, the new episode confirms two things: 1) Helen wasn’t lying. 2) Helen was telling this to Jon to make him doubt his loyalties. And again, this is not new information! She laughs at his misery and confusion very openly!

Episode 157. Jon gets a shocking reminder that Helen is Just Here To Troll:

HELEN Because I have a good enough sense of what’s going on to know that it will be much more fun without my involvement! (begins laughing)

...

ARCHIVIST Just tell me what’s going on. Please.

HELEN (gleefully) Bad things, Archivist. Really bad things.

MAG 164, Helen’s first appearance in s5. There’s so much going on, let’s try to list at least some of it: she congratulates jonmartin on their relationship, immediately tries to play them against each other, cheerfully deflects all blame onto Jon and also Georgie and Melanie, admits to betrayal, announces she wants to be friends “again”, then expresses pity that Jon isn’t hostile to her enough. Absolutely everything she does is about creating relationship chaos.

MAG 166, second encounter with Helen post-Change, and she is delighted to see disagreement between Jon and Martin unprompted by her:

MARTIN Yeah, I, I, I think we should go for it, get our murder on!

ARCHIVIST (disbelief) Sorry, what?

HELEN (surprised delight) Yes, Martin!

In MAG 177, she moves the focus of ridiculously blatant manipulation and provocation onto Basira, and also doesn’t bother to hide she enjoys scaring her “friends”:

HELEN Not interrupting anything, Am I?

MARTIN Christ, Helen, you scared the life out of me.

HELEN [Insincere] Sorry, darling.

And finally, MAG 183. By now, everyone in the scene is aware that she’s here just to get a rise out of our heroes and metaphorically eat popcorn.

MARTIN Look. Listen, I’m getting really sick of all thi–

ARCHIVIST Leave it, Martin. She’s just trying to get under your skin.

MARTIN Yeah? Well, she’s really good at it!

HELEN Aww. Thanks, sweetie. But to be honest, I’m mainly just here to see which path you choose.

Which brings us to MAG 187. We already know that Helen isn’t Jon and Martin’s “friend” as in “ally” -- she hangs out with them to provoke strong responses and sow chaos. The plot twist is that she’s not just doing it for fun, like a human would -- it is her way of avatar feeding.

The Distortion has always been a trickster. I am glad that they died this way, instead of becoming either an over-the-top villain or a reluctant hero -- before the plot could corner them into becoming one. And as Jon said, the reason Helen had to die was not her trickster nature, but the side she picked on the “Eyepocalipse: keep or cancel?” issue. 

The reveal in 187 does not contradict the information we had before, and so it doesn’t retcon or undo the complexity or character development that the Distortion had. The fact that the Distortion fed on Jon (and others’) reaction to them does not mean that they never had any motivations or thoughts beyond that. Jon says it himself: “keeping us off-balance” is not the Distortion’s motivation, it’s “who they are”, it’s the natural, instinctive way they conduct themselves. We have learned that the Distortion's behavior was Eldritch Trolling instead of Regular Trolling, that's all.

[diariesofaplutonian]

Pluto in the 1st and 12th houses

Pluto in the 12th House natives have deep, rich inner lives, but often suffer privately from intense mental battles and struggles. These people are often intimately acquainted with the notion of suffering. They feel pain very heavily and if not careful, they can let it consume and ravage them. I’ve noticed a lot of these natives are intensely talented or artistic or creative, in fact, a lot of musicians have this placement; that being said, natives also seem to immensely struggle with severe depression for they are easily overcome with unfortunate life events and stresses/stressors. Sometimes, it may feel as though life has it out for them. They may grapple with despondency or chronic depression. These individuals can struggle to remain positive when it seems their faith is always tested, but these individuals are also gifted with extraordinary willpower and intense focus, discipline, and dedication. They have the power to make all their dreams come true; their superpower is their relentless ambition, and the responsibility they feel to the world to prove themselves: this is their number one obligation and promise to themselves. They hardly ever fail in this act: proving themselves. Many of them deeply struggle with insecurity and may have an inferiority complex or suffer from imposter syndrome when it comes to their beliefs in their talents or abilities. They battle against these fears, doubts, and anxieties when they consistently demonstrate how bold, how fearless, how determined, and how gifted they are. They do, however, often internalize their failures as proof of some kind of self-issue, some inadequacy, some inability to do good, some lack, proof of bad performance, etc. They need to realize that even when they feel subpar, the work they do is optimal, and the world can use their gifts, so they should embrace all the skills they have to offer. One of the downsides of this placement is that while these natives often fall in love with potential, they most often fail to see their own. They also need to stop doubting the possibility of an outcome and start finishing what they start to reap the efforts of what they produce, so even if they do manage to not live up to their own exceptionally high standards, they will know it is because it wasn’t the right project and not that they weren’t the right person for the job. Sometimes, they can truly be their own worst enemy; they need to stop letting their inner voice undermine their relationships and their lives. They build walls sky high around their heart because they don’t want to be let down, and if their defenses are up, they falsely believe their security can’t be threatened. Many carry deep wounds stemming from unhappy childhoods, wounds they have lodged deep inside of them. Many have never fully recovered from or properly addressed traumatic life experiences. May have an aversion to or distrust of not only modern medicine, doctors, and healing practices, but a distrust of hospitals, therapists, psych units, and counseling, as well. May have issues talking about their deep-rooted fears.

Very private, complex individuals. Vigilant because they’ve experienced harrowing episodes or encountered visions they should have never had to bear. May have been witness to shocking events they shouldn’t have seen. May often find themselves in the wrong place, wrong time scenario. Often seeks out danger. Parts of them are incredibly reckless, daredevil-like, driven, and sensation-seeking. Finds not comfort, but intense pleasure in thrill and high-risk activity. Constantly chasing a high—not necessarily drug-induced—and pushing the boundaries of themselves. Constantly defying self-limits. Often suffers from loneliness and feels exiled from the world or even rejected or unaccepted because they’re too weird or dark or unusual or frightening, in a way that they don’t follow the rules, or they’re the black sheep of some sorts, but more often than not, their isolation is self-imposed. Well-versed with their shadow side. Trust doesn’t come easy to them, but once they have it and it remains unbroken, you will have their loyalty for life. They also reward loyalty. Their friends/confidantes are their closest allies. Harbor many secrets. Has addictive habits. May have grief due to private dilemmas. Feels uncomfortable with but unafraid of death. Intense control issues—if not properly resolved, this can lead them to be very controlling. Intense love affairs. May have a hard-knock life, even if successful career-wise, with many ups and downs. May have difficulty regulating or controlling their emotions. May struggle to find inner peace. May question their purpose or belonging. May feel trapped or powerless in situations involving spiritual matters—i.e. God—or earthly/temporal matters, such as life or death. May feel tested and challenged by unpredictability but thrive off of it or need an element of unpredictability in their lives to feel useful, inspired, or creative. Creativity is often linked to deep pain, in these natives. It is often an emotional outlet for them. These natives feel uncomfortable when they feel seen by others. Incredibly resilient, brave individuals. They lack a strong self-concept. Identity is weathered by forces the natives cannot always see but are often held back by. Struggles with deep sadness and loss or grave emotional pain at times. Feels strongest when not experiencing the uncomfortable emotion of regret—this emotion is the most difficult for them to confront/contend with. They’d rather feel nothing at all. Natives may have a stark view of themselves or a black and white picture of the world. Their internal or external reality/world may be harsh to them or unlivable.

Pessimistic at times, prone to cynicism. Intensely probing, thoughtful, solemn, demonstrative, reserved. Much internal activity. Acutely sensitive to their environments—emotional/psychic and physical. Senses, intuits, and often feels other people’s emotions. Perceives others’ objectives or goals, and others’ thoughts of them. Has an instinctive grasp on human nature, especially of the shadows and the darkness and all else that is germane to the human condition. Suffers a lot in the world, sometimes by their own hand/as a result of their own doing (self-inflicted pain is often their coping mechanism). Needs better coping skills—healthy ones. May self-harm or turn to self-destructive behavior when in a rough spot. May be the victim of poverty during youth. May duel themselves. Often subject to high stress. May believe in the existence of supernatural entities, i.e. ghosts, aliens, demons, etc. Very active imagination, dark thoughts that they attempt to run away from. Seeks refuge in solitude. Silent by choice. Natural observer. Knows more than they seem to know. Omits on purpose. May have unusual proclivities, i.e. engage in activities considered taboo or NSFW. In touch with their “wild” side—the parts of themselves most people are uncomfortable with. Relishes in what makes people uncomfortable. Finds joy and incomparable beauty in that. Attempts to fill a void caused by a state of incompleteness. Strives to assuage that with superficial emotions, relationships or vices, but it only leaves them more desperate and more empty, feeling more deprived. Always analyzing themselves and others. Danger of too much self-analysis. May be prone to self-violence (real or metaphorical). Intrigued by distressing situations, moodiness and violence. Doesn’t like nosiness. Prone to internal self-conflict and fanatical obsessions. Strong sexual appetites. May feed into lies or deceit out of self-preservation. May disguise selfishness through seemingly selfless sacrifices/acts, which are used to gain the favor of someone so they can do their bidding. Can be forceful or coercive at times. Very fixed and untenable at times. Learns a lot about life through painful experiences and private ordeals or feelings of being in crisis or having suffered identity or existential or health crises. These obstacles only serve to make them stronger and build/solidify their character, however. Adversity feeds and replenishes their spirit and helps them sprout wings, though, it feels like swallowing poison. They may, however, experience bouts of mortal illness or encounter near fatality as a result of such ordeals and life tests/tragedies, which is a testament to their individual strength. Clings to a feeling of independence and armors themselves with it. The first to say “I can do it on my own”—needs, not wants to make it through life saying they did it without help. Needs to realize that everybody needs help sometimes and they can’t indeed do it all on their own. There’s no shame in needing help or needing to take a break sometimes. Emotional scars must be dealt with. May be malicious or spiteful/vindictive when angry, which can come back to them in the form of karma. May face/encounter many near-death experiences in their lifetime or remember past lifetimes of violence or violent death. May have vivid and possibly violent dreams or suffer from nightmares. May be haunted by the past in the form of past lovers, past unresolved traumas, past relationships/friendships, past actions, past bills, past secrets, etc. Their past is never unburied, it seems. It always comes back to bite them. Seduced or entranced by the notion of revenge, for some, others by the idea of creating something permanent, whether via their work or via they, themselves.

Pluto in the 1st House natives inspire intense feelings from others—positive or negative. Public reaction to them is nearly always extreme—they are either worshipped or conspired against, loathed and plotted against. They inspire very polarizing reactions from people. For as many people rooting for their downfall, or for as many haters as they have, they have admirers who believe they can do no wrong. They attract massive fanfare and devotion from those who do support them, who often support them for life in a ride-or-die fashion. These individuals tend to suffer many private betrayals and public backlashes or attacks on their character and reputation. They are often subject to nasty rumors and lies made up by those who hate them or want to see them “ruined” or “destroyed.” Most of it is not true, but these attempts at character assassination often successfully taint their image or sully the general public’s perception of them. They often have to win them back. May have to admit or show weaknesses or give the allusion of groveling in order to gain public support again. Often loses themselves and has to recover themselves. If not careful, they can destroy themselves, as they are very self-destructive people. May turn to drugs or negative coping mechanisms such as gambling or alcoholism or other recreational drug use when feeling defeated or down in life. Doesn’t really know how to address painful, negative emotions without being swallowed by them. Often ruin themselves trying to cope with the pain they feel internally that they can’t escape. Paranoid and untrusting, but for good reason. A lot of people close to them have shady intentions or are trying to use them or manipulate them or get close to them for deceptive motives. May be subject to blackmail by friends turned enemies, lovers turned enemies, and so on, more than actual perceived enemies/foes. Are often “ruined” by those closest to them, though, while these attempts may seem victorious, those with Pluto in the 1st house or Pluto conjunct Ascendant often triumph in the end because they rule comebacks. If anything, being “canceled” or reviled only motivates them. They will succeed at all costs, and no hate can prevent that. These natives possess a controlled image. Part of them wants to be known, more of them wants to be unknown, or at the very least, they wish to control what you do see of them. They are often obsessed with power, their own and that of others. Gaining power, losing power, reducing someone else’s power, etc. Feels most empowered when they are in control. Needs to feel like the boss or the one running the show/pulling the strings. Needs to feel like an authority figure.

Often is very close to a mentor or father-like figure that tends to be older and wiser, often in the field of business or coaching. May manufacture an enigmatic personality or genuinely have one but hide behind it for privacy or safety purposes. Fearful of being anyone’s puppet. Doesn’t want to give their power away. Fears being controlled by others and retaliates when they feel dictated to or controlled. Their relationships are often high-stakes, high drama, and emotionally demanding. May be addicted to toxic people—drama and chaos, especially of the emotional kind, and power struggles give them a rush, though, they may deny this and claim they hate drama and toxicity. Can be manipulated or abused in relationships, or they themselves can abuse their power, especially if they are abusing a substance or easily influenced at the time. Often in crisis. These natives tend to have deep, penetrating gazes and luminous eyes. For as much as they value privacy, when they do inevitably have a fall from grace, it is often painfully, visibly made public, quite to their embarrassment, and all their secrets are “exposed.” Most of them try to get ahead of potential scandals or involuntary public releases about them by self-disclosing embarrassing, scandalous information or personally divulging their secrets and “exposing” themselves so they get ahead of the story and don’t become the story, so they control the narrative. Control is really important to them—not just the illusion of it but the actual concept of being able to take action or determine the course of an event without being dictated by it. They often disappear and reappear in the public eye at will. These are not the type of people to go make an apology on the notes app when they do something the public doesn’t like. They will address their actions when they feel like it and if they feel like it and only if they do feel like it, always on their own terms. And they don’t apologize unless they mean it, so don’t expect to see them putting out disingenuous statements. They always have their guard up because they are weary of being hurt and they’re used to going through unsettling situations. Have dry humor and strong physical/sexual hungers/appetites/lusts; may be shady at times. Have dealt with a lot of trauma in their lives, for many early on, in their childhood. May succumb to their deepest, innermost fears if not careful. May suffer from intense paranoia—always suspicious of loved ones. Fear of being [double-]crossed or backstabbed. May have a difficult time forgiving or understanding people who turn their back on them. A sense of mystery surrounds them. Time does not heal their pain. Struggle feeling isolated and alone but needs lots of alone time and goes through periods where they shut themselves off from everybody and go ghost for a while, typically to recover from private battles, or draw back/recover strength from life. Acutely aware of their own mortality. Recovery to them looks like healing. They often call this—healing—surviving.

Resolute, assertive individuals. Can contradict themselves at times. A web of contradictions emerge when specifically attempting to define who they are. Struggles to feel healthy emotions, easily overpowered by their own excess emotional energy. Can feel dead inside sometimes. Often secretly struggles with addiction, past trauma (including in some cases sexual or emotional or physical abuse, depending on other factors, as well), and suicidal ideation. Frequently possesses a low mood or bleak outlook on life. Struggles to keep positive. Finds enlightenment in the most unexpected, unusual places. Often finds God or the spiritual equivalent after some tragedy—doesn’t have to be a near-death experience—or after hitting rock bottom, however they define it—this may be losing the love of their life, being fired from their job, being publicly ousted or held accountable for some moral breach, being sued, being accused of alleged wrongdoing, true or false, etc. They nearly have to lose everything—or what is most important to them—to come to some great epiphany or startling realization and make drastic changes in their life. Sometimes, they may wait until it’s too late. Difficult to decipher. Subject to varying moods, sulking, and general somber periods. Some natives may have a morbid fascination (curiosity) with their own death, or on the opposite side, a healthy fear of it. May struggle to have/develop/facilitate a healthy relationship, not only with others, but with themselves. Good judge of character, but can be blinded by infatuation or blind trust at times. When they fall, they fall hard. Very intuitive and sensitive, perceptive individuals. Self-transformation often comes at the cost of something they want, including their selves. Sometimes, it’s as though parts of them have to die in order for more of them to live. Often very powerful, secretive individuals who come to amass much power in life, but can just as easily lose it. Overwhelmingly strong survival instinct. A need to conquer, to be the best, and to win. Dominant personalities. Difficult to know, not difficult to love. Tend to have many secret admirers and enemies, and are feverishly wanted or desired by those who can’t or shouldn’t have, want, or want to have them. Besides having a magnetic gaze, these natives often have an intriguing, possibly even sexual aura that either strongly repels or attracts others. After a breakup, can be demonized or made the villain by past vengeful partners, especially if there were sordid affairs or the native was unfaithful.

[one-leaf-grimoire]

“triad”

Chapter 22: the child of the devil

AAAAAAAAAAA THINGS ARE ESCALATING STRAP IN JFSDKL

There is a major reveal this chapter... I would love to know if anyone predicted it.

AO3 LINK

Two minutes remain

I sit there, for what feels like an hour. I know it’s not, but at this point, time doesn’t even exist. At least, it shouldn’t, for all intents and purposes. 

Time…

What is it? Supposedly, the nature of my magic. No… not magic. I didn’t make this magic my own… I assimilated it. I forced it inside myself and appropriated something beautiful, something that belonged to someone beautiful.

I’m out of time…

I feel like a vase, filled with enough water to crest over my top lip. The only thing keeping it together is surface tension, stretched farther and farther as more and more pressure mounts upon me. At any moment, it will snap, and my life will bleed out of me and be lost in the winds of time itself.

But time is useless. 

I couldn’t use it to win. 

I couldn’t use it to save them.

All it did was act as a fertilizer for the Tree of Qliphoth, accelerating its growth until it passed the point of no return.

This isn’t how it was supposed to be…

What was my purpose here?

I am a Simulcian. The enemy of the Devil.

But in the end… I couldn’t do what Simulcia managed to do. And now, I’m not so sure she even existed.

That’s right… there is no God. There is no Simulcia. There is only Hell, and now I’ve brought that Hell to our own Earth.

There are footsteps drawing closer. My hands lay limp by my sides, unable to even twitch to defend myself.

Maybe… now… 

Part of me wants to jump to my feet, to turn around and take out my anger on those approaching me. Then, I want to fly right home, and defend Adeline, Marx, and Joy for as long as I can from the horrors that have been unleashed.

… but it’s all useless.

I already know in my heart.

The footsteps stop. Slowly, I finally move, twisting only slightly to stare back at the man behind me.

No… not a man.

It’s Dante Zogratis, but he isn’t alone. His body is almost limp, zombie-like, and his shadow raises behind him like a horrible black wave. Four horns grow from the shadow’s head, with two red eyes, and a grinning, dagger-filled mouth. It’s…

A devil… with the gates all open, it must be able to manifest now.

With every passing second, it becomes more and more solid, its body huge and thick. It gives off the most oppressive magic I’ve ever felt, something grotesque and unearthly the likes of which no one on this earth has ever encountered. This Devil… In any other situation, I would have been shocked, but there isn’t enough energy left in my body to bring myself to blink. … it’s the King of Devils, the one Nacht mentioned before… 

Lucifero…

For a moment, an image of Nacht passes through my head. How cruel he seemed back at the meeting. He knew something about me, he knew that I was a monster. He knew that I was dying. Did he learn that from Spade? What more do they know about me, then?

Not that it matters… they have me cornered.

“I see that you’ve given up.”

His voice is low. It holds no malice that I can tell, despite the fact that it oozed from Dante’s.

“And rightfully so… you’ve lost. At this moment, Devils are making their way into this world. In mere minutes, they will overrun your Kingdom. All those not strong enough to escape will die.”

… Adeline and Joy… Marx-

At the thought, emotion sparks in my heart. 

No… it’s too late. I can’t save them… I can’t save anyone.

“But… you shouldn’t be so sad.”

Lucifero’s next words pull me out of that thought and back to the present. I look back up at him, not sure when I had lowered my gaze back to the ground. 

Not… sad?

In what world would I not be sad?

His grin widens, bloodlust finally leaking through his expression. 

“I’m surprised… the pieces were all there for you. Didn’t you look back through the Simulcian consciousness?”

I blink slowly, only hearing him slightly. 

Simulcian consciousness? How does he know about that? What do Simulcians have to do with this?

His chuckle grows louder.

“I thought you would have seen the truth… but perhaps not. Your so-called Goddess, Simulcia… do you know what her Will really was?”

I don’t do him the pleasure of answering, but my heart starts to pound.

Her Will?

Lucifero’s eyes narrow at my lack of reaction, but he finally goes on.

“Her will… was to control this world.”

Control?

Recognition flickers in my mind.

Mikael… my uncle Mikael wanted to control the world through our species. But… that was just him, right? Does that have something to do with Simulcia’s will?

“Through you and your species… Simulcians are nothing but a vessel, meant to unite and carry her rotten soul forward into the future, so she may one day rule this world. But… she failed. She would have been much better off following the original plan.”

…

What? What original plan?

For the first time, I react. My eyes widen as a horrible conclusion blossoms in my mind.

… no… there’s no way-

“Simulcia came to this Earth when the Qliphoth was opened for the first time, thousands of years ago. But she destroyed it, locking us all back in the underworld so she could enjoy it all herself.”

No… NO- Please, God, not this-

“She was a Devil who wanted to destroy the world… and Simulcians are her children.”

My blood freezes, and suddenly everything makes sense.

My pain, my loathing, my wrath for this world, Mikael’s actions, the existence of Simulcians, our shared consciousness… it’s nothing but a vessel for a Devil. 

That’s right… that’s why it was so hard for me to think that a human could truly be evil.

Because… Simulcians are evil. We are nothing but a failed plan to unite the world under Simulcia’s rule.

For some strange reason, that truth settles within me easier than I thought. Lucifero’s brow furrows as I turn away again, my shoulders slumping as my body relaxes.

I… I can’t feel… anything right now.

Sitting here, with the world caving in, with the bodies of my best friends before me, and with the knowledge that I am a child of the devil, I can’t even bring myself to feel sad.

In the end… it doesn’t matter what my identity truly is. Because it’s something I lost long ago.

Lucifero sighs, then takes a step forward. “I see we have nothing left to say to each other… so I’ll put you out of your-”

His words cease as I suddenly move. Slowly, painfully, I stand up.

Nothing matters… absolutely nothing.

I’ve ruined everything. Yet I’m the only one who can fix it.

Everyone… please forgive me.

“Sealing Magic… release.”

Maybe I’m lucky. Lucifero and I are alone. There’s no one to back him up. And I just lost anything that I had to lose.

Power flows through me, like a flood finally free of a dam that contained it for centuries. But along with it, my very life is torn apart. And not just my life; whatever I had left of my humanity is extinguished. My mark glows black, and suddenly, two sharp tracks of black streak down my cheeks, as if my face itself were cracking. Two spots on my head start to heat up, and there’s something thin and fibrous growing from them.

I guess that makes sense… Simulcians who use forbidden magic will be marked with the same horns as their origin.

I finally turn around to look at Lucifero, my face and mind still blank. I know that my life could end at any minute, but not before I am done with him and the rest of this god forsaken world.

“Lucifero… thank you.”

He sees the markings on my face and the two antennae on my head, and recognition flashes through his eyes. Maybe long ago, he faced Simulcia as she fought the other Devils, locking them away in Hell once again. I am not Simulcia, but her Will courses through my veins. Her Will to destroy the world now controls my every move.

“Thank you for giving me a reason to be selfish.”

I spread my arms as Gravity crashes down on me from all sides.

Shit! She’s going to try something- Lucifero took a step back as he activated his spell, hoping to crush me under the weight. But it doesn’t matter! Her time magic will never reach me! Because time is slowed by gravity-

However, it’s not time that I send towards him.

Time may be slowed… but the speed of Light is constant, no matter what the gravity is.

Spears of light appear everywhere around the Devil, and pierce him from all sides. Lucifero lets out an angry roar, caught completely off guard in that moment. What? She surprised me there, sure, but-

In an instant, the light clears, but he’s still stunned from the brightness.

No matter- next time, I’ll finish her-

It’s too late. In the moment that he released his spell, I lunged at him.

Neither of us react. My face is devoid of all emotion; just two, empty black eyes set in a sunken face, inches from death.

I reach towards Dante, to which Lucifero is attacked, my hands dragging my face up to his.

One minute remains

Blinding light emanated from the room, right as none other than Zenon is running back to it. Unlike Dante and Vanica, for whatever reason his Devil did not take full control of his body. He wasn’t surprised; he was smarter about his contract than the two of them. But that’s not the issue right now; the problem was that something big was happening. Without a second thought, he bursts into the cavern, and freezes in place.

Lucifero’s growing body is gone, once again completely contained within Dante. The poor man twitches but mostly hangs limp as my hands clench his head, harder than a human skull should probably withstand. But I have him… my mark is emblazoned on his forehead, shining bright in the darkness. Lucifero’s mark burns on my chest as I stand there, slowly but surely sucking away his power and assimilating it into my own.

Zenon stands there, shocked, as he looks upon the newly formed Triad. Both my power and Julius’s tugs and tugs at Lucifero’s magic. Dante’s horns are slowly growing on my own head, and my antennae wrap around the black material and glow even brighter.

I look over at the man, my eyes glowing. 

“... You’re too late.”

I clench my hand tighter, drawing out more energy.

This is what I was made for… to steal. To assimilate. All for Simulcia. 

But now, I’m doing this for myself. To finally create the world I longed for. A perfect world…

“Lucifero’s power is mine.”

The mighty devil was no match for the power of his oldest foe. 

“I now contain a magic formed from both Gravity and Time… with this, I will create a singularity that consumes the fabric of spacetime. Through brute force, I will destroy time up until a point that I see fit. I will destroy any chance that you had to win, Zenon.” 

There’s no joy on my face as I tell him this.

“You’ve lost.”

Zenon stands there, still, for just a few more moments. Then, his face hardens.

“No… I haven’t given up. You haven’t won!”

His bones are forming around him, in a last ditch effort to defeat me. With a desperate yell, he sends them flying at me.

I simply raise my hand, and it all comes crashing down on him. Zenon gasps in pain, flying back to the ground as gravity pins him there.

My skull throbs.

I don’t have much time.

“Goodbye… Zenon.”

The transfer is complete. Lucifero is trapped, his magic in my grasp.

DON’T YOU DARE!

I hear his voice echoing in our heads.

Shut up, Devil.

I close my eyes, and prepare to use my new spell.

…

…

But…

…

A moment passes. Then another.

They drag on and on.

...n-no…

…

Is this… really how it is?

My hands are shaking as I grasp Dante’s head, but he’s slipping away. My control over Lucifero is slipping away.

All of this… was for nothing, because in the end…

I can’t do it.

The strength to destroy the world… it’s something I never had within me.

I can’t do it.

Next time: the Joy of Death. Sometimes you just have to know when to give up. Will Lisa go through with her time travel plan? Or is she not strong enough to abandon an entire world? We’ll see tomorrow...

[alt--h]

Monthly Article: The history of voluntary identities, and where we can go now

When we talk about being nonhuman, and especially on being otherkin, we often reflect on our early childhoods, on how, at some level, “we always knew.” I like to tell the story of how, at three, I told my mother I wanted to be a popular cartoon robot when I grew up. But when we tell these personal truths, we often forget another, equally important one: sometimes, we don’t start as nonhumans. We become them. To quote the Silver Elves, two among the many elves who were openly nonhuman during the 70s and who became the roots of the modern otherkin community in particular, “being an elf is always about choice… [T]hese elves think that we are elves principally because we have chosen to be so.” (Magical Realms of Elfin, 3-4)

The idea that we can become nonhuman — in identity, in attitude, and in self — is not new, although it wouldn’t matter if it was: in embracing choice, it’s important to remember that we also must embrace the choice of forging new paths and finding new viewpoints. But unfortunately, for almost as long as individuals have been becoming nonhuman, there have been those in the community who oppose this personal freedom. Many today deeply want to be nonhuman, but are turned away by the assumption that the lack of choice is a monolithic otherkin experience, and that all individuals are either otherkin or wholly human.

The reality, though, is that the nonhuman community not only can but must embrace the role of choice in so many of our lives — be we otherkin, alterlink, or just content in saying what we are without any particular qualifiers. Our shared experience of nonhumanity is what brings us together. When we choose to embrace choice, we choose to embrace a bigger, more vibrant nonhumanity, one with room for both our conventional ideas about nonhumanity and entirely new one.

It is difficult to talk about choice-based communities without talking about the copinglink community. Often disparaged as “tumblrkin,” copinglink refers to those who actively nurture an identity as other for the purpose of coping with the difficulties of their life — often, though not always, traumas associated with ableism, transphobia, and other forms of oppression. It is probably the best-known choice-based identity term, coined in 2015 by tumblr user who-is-page out of frustration with the conflation of voluntary identity and otherkin identity; however, the term has been criticized for an excessive focus on the coping portion of the identity, for being coined by someone who did not engage in chosen identity, and for seeming to view the idea as less serious or important than otherkin identity. This has resulted in the use of other terms, like otherlink and alterlink.

The last of these criticisms — the viewing voluntary identity as a game, while otherkin identity is serious business — is probably familiar to anyone anywhere in the alterhuman community, which has always struggled with creating hierarchies. In truth, the reason or source behind an identity can’t prove how important it is to the person who carries it; there are voluntary identities that underpin people’s whole lives (the aforementioned Silver Elves, with their choice-based perspective, have been living openly as elves since before the term otherkin was coined!) and there are involuntary identities that serve as little more than a footnote. Not all alterhumans are nonhuman, not all nonhumans are otherkin, and whatever we are, we need to stick together — it’s not like those who oppose us sweat those details. We’re all in it together. 

But voluntary identity goes even beyond the alterhuman community. Although not all members of the voidpunk community consider ourselves alterhuman, the same basic concept applies: the choice to reject humanity, or to accept the inhumanity pushed on us. Many in the transhuman community seek a mechanical or digital life, even though they have no context for the machinekin community. Anyone who has been in the Renaissance Fair scene will have met people who buy season passes, who go as the same fae or elfin being every day, who try to embody the essence of that character they become even when they aren’t at the fair, who run in-character Facebook pages. Few of these people know what otherkin are, let alone alterhumanity, but that doesn’t stop them from finding joy in letting go of humanity for a while. It’s not about why they take on their nonhuman roles; it’s about the fact that they do.

And that’s the essence of it: It shouldn’t matter to you why I’m a machine, or why I’m an ooze, or why I’m a gnoll. It shouldn’t matter why anyone is anything. Do we ask humans why they’re human? Do we ask our pets why they’re cats, or dogs, or fish? We accept things for what they are, until they’re marked as other or weird by society. Then we pick apart the exact details, looking to prove our legitimacy — but in trying to be accepted by “normal”, human people do, we often accept their arguments against some of us to prove we’re the “good” ones. We cannot succeed by creating little nexuses of acceptable nonhumanity; we have to make nonhumanity itself acceptable.

What does a world look like where we don’t question each other’s legitimacy — where we let ourselves decide the importance of our own identities not based on the why but on how they feel? What is a world where we can become what we’d like to, regardless of the purpose? Even for those with involuntary identities, there is often a process of embracing one’s nonhumanity and becoming more nonhuman by centering that portion of the self: of bringing things into one’s life that remind them of their true self, of learning to induce shifts, of meditating, etc. And these things are important! There’s an incredible energy in actively choosing to embrace one’s own nonhumanity, whether or not you chose to have it in the first place. When we support those choices — when we support all choices — we create a community where we can be our most authentic selves.

This month’s article was written by Marron, one of our volunteers, and voted on by our Patrons. You can write for us by applying through our volunteering page, and decide what ideas we tackle by pledging $5 or more a month.

[thetailorofenbizaka]

Chapter 1–The Tale of the Scissors, Act 2: Exchange; Scene 7

The Tailor of Enbizaka, pages 57-68

It was two days after that. Elluka—you—visited the tailor shop as promised.

“Excuse me.”

The moment you bluntly intruded, Kayo was just in the middle of working.

“Pardon me…I’m at a stopping point just now,” Kayo said, setting the needle and the kimono she was sewing over to the side.

“Looks like you’re hard at work on your tailoring.”

“Oh yes, ever since I had the great fortune to be able to return I immediately started receiving commissions from those who have been providing me patronage from my mother’s time.”

This tailor shop had originally been started by Kagura’s husband, Sudou Nagare.

A skilled tailor, after eloping and winding up in Enbizaka Nagare started a tailor shop with Kagura for their living.

Kayo too helped out with her parents’ work ever since she was ten years old, and Nagare had praised her on how quick she was to pick up the work; when Nagare passed during an epidemic not long after, Kayo primarily did tailoring work along with her mother.

“A tailor shop, hm…Feels as though this is something like the fate of your bloodline.”

Kayo gazed at you with a curious expression after you spoke so movingly. “Fate?”

“Yes. A person from the Okuto family working in a tailor shop gives me that impression.”

“From the Okuto family? Not the Sudou family? The Okuto family line has been one of samurai, hasn’t it?”

“…How much do you know about the Okuto family?”

“Honestly, not much…My mother wasn’t the sort to talk about her past much. I myself only learned that I was related to the Okuto family four years ago, when they took me in.”

Upon hearing that, you adjusted your seated posture and started into a history lecture for Kayo.

“—The Okuto family descends from a samurai that made his name in the ‘Battle of Jagahara’ about three hundred years ago; this Okuto Gaou who fought in that battle was a foreigner—do you know that much?”

“No…I don’t know much history…”

“Gaou was an immigrant from the Evillious region. Furthermore, if you trace his bloodline back it goes to a certain noble man, and a woman tailor. The man was the duke of Asmodean, ‘Sateriasis Venomania’. And the woman’s name was Lukana Octo.”

“My…But how do you know about such a thing, Elluka-sensei?”

“…If I told you it was because I am Lukana Octo herself, would you believe me?”

A normal person would most likely have thought this to be an impossible claim.

And Kayo seemed to think it was a joke too.  She began to giggle. “Ha ha, if that were true then that would make you a witch hundreds of years old.”

“Yes. My true identity is that of a witch—What are those pieces of cloth for?”

You pointed to some cloth scraps piled up a little ways away.

“Ah, that’s just raw fabric leftover from tailoring.”

“Then you no longer have need of them?”

“Well, mostly. Though sometimes I use them as materials for making repairs.”

“…Then I will borrow them for a minute.”

You picked out several scraps from the mountain of cloth, and turned once more to Kayo.

And then you quietly murmured some foreign sounding words.

When you did—despite being inside a closed shop, a strong wind suddenly began to blow through from somewhere.

The pieces of cloth were caught by the wind, and fluttered around inside the building.

“Goodness…”

Kayo gave a murmur of wonder.

In the next moment, you recited something else, and then the fluttering fabric scraps started to burst into flames all at once.

And then, in a flash they had all been burned to ashes.

“Eek!”

Kayo screamed at seeing it.

“It’s alright, the fire won’t burn you or the building we’re in…Though I suppose that wasn’t the issue.”

Kayo was trembling, a terrified expression on her face.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shown you fire.” You loosely held Kayo’s body to calm her down. “…But with this, surely you believe me, that I am a witch?”

“Y-yes…” Kayo nodded continuously, still trembling. “Wh-why…For what reason did you—”

“One of the reasons that I came to this country was to return the body of ‘Lukana’ to the Okuto family. …Having heard your story, and seeing your appearance, I figured that you would be perfect for that.”

You said you were there to “return” it. That signified that you were not the real Lukana herself, but rather a being who had stolen the body from her. Yet at that time Kayo had not the wherewithal to notice that.

“This body of Lukana’s that you said you were ‘jealous’ of—I shall give to you. And then you will no longer need to fret over your burn scars.”

“B-but…if you do that, what will happen to you?”

“I will take your body as mine in its place. Essentially, we will do a mutual exchange.”

“…Still, won’t everyone think it’s strange that we’ve so suddenly swapped appearances?”

“Don’t worry. I know of a method to keep that from happening.”

“…”

“…You seem unable to make up your mind. Well, I suppose that’s natural.” You released Kayo, and stood upright. “—There was once a man who was troubled by his appearance as you are. I gave to him a certain tool, and he used it to change his appearance. …After that his life completely changed. He discarded his melancholy past, and was able to obtain the joy that he desired.”

“…”

“Right now you are holding onto two sentiments. The feeling that you must forget your past and move forward, and the wish to not forget your family. And, unable to find balance between them, your heart is in chaos. Hence these phantom burn scars coming forward on your body. …You are afraid from the very bottom of your heart that if the burn scars went away, then not only will your memories of the great fire weaken, but also those of the family you loved.”.

“I don’t understand…I really don’t…”

“You must forget. When something painful happens, those who cannot forget it will never be able to walk forward. That does not make you unfeeling, or cold. I am sure that your late family would not want for you to always be imprisoned by your memories of the past.”

At some point, Kayo had started to sob.

“Sometimes I…grow so fearful…”

“…Of what?”

“Lovers passing by the tailor shop…Families walking together...People who have what I’ve lost…When I see them, I realize that I am succumbing to a frightening sense of envy. There are even times when I want to bring the scissors in my hands down on them.”

“…Maybe you have become possessed by the ‘Demon of Envy’.”

You glanced over at the scissors that I reside in that Kayo had set off to the side.

“A demon…Will I be able to drive it out of myself?”

“If you obtain a witch’s body by swapping with me, perhaps…”

The proposal that you were making looked at a glance to be something you were doing with Kayo in mind.

But to me, watching from the side, I couldn’t help but think that you were lying to her.

You just wanted to have Kayo’s body as your own. And for that purpose you were deceiving her with a string of sophistry.

However, I had no way of conveying my thoughts to Kayo.

She nodded as though steadying her resolve, and then declared:

“Please…do it. Give me a new body, so that I might move forward—”

“…As you wish.”

You smiled at her.

To Kayo it probably looked like the smile of her savior.

To me it was the sneering of a demon.

.

It didn’t take much time to complete the “ritual”.

You put your hand on Kayo’s head, and recited a short incantation.

When you did, the two of you were engulfed in a pale pink light.

--Maybe five minutes passed.

Before I knew it, you and Kayo were both lying sprawled out on the floor.

But Kayo immediately stood.

“…Marvelous.”

I knew, as she said such, that it was another being standing there with Kayo’s appearance.

“A body descended from Venomania and Lukana…This, for sure…Is what I have sought for so many years! With this body full of magical power, it’ll hardly take any time at all to recover my true power!”

Kayo—or rather you, in Kayo’s form—started to laugh loudly.

--Next, you turned your gaze on the scissors lying on the tatami mat.

And then you started to gently reach your hand out towards the scissors…but immediately drew your hand back, as though something had just occurred to you.

“…Well then, all the best, Kayo-san,” you said to the fallen Elluka—the woman whose mind was now that of Kayo—and then left the tailor shop.

And so, you had swapped bodies.

Using the “Swap Technique”—

"—I have some questions.”

Elluka, who had been writing something down in a notebook resting on her knees as she listened to my story, suddenly paused.

What are they?

“…How do you know that the name of the spell I used was the ‘Swap Technique’? I didn’t tell Kayo the name of the technique back then.”

…I figured it out. A spell that involves exchanging bodies would probably have a name like “Swap Technique” or something—I just came up with that on my own.

“Hmm...Well, I’ll just leave it there for now. So I have one other question—I understand that Kayo’s parents are dead; for her father I know that he died from illness. But as for her mother…how and when did Kagura die?”

She went missing soon after Kayo was married. After that they determined that she’d died by drowning, as they found her favored scissors on a cliff that overlooked the sea.

“Would those scissors be the ones you’re currently in? Then you must have seen it all yourself.”

Yes…She certainly did fall into the sea. Leaving the scissors behind on the cliff.

“Was it truly an accident? She wasn’t pushed by anyone, it wasn’t suicide?”

…

I didn’t answer her question.

“I guess you don’t care to go into detail on that point. …I get the impression from your story that you detest me quite a bit—and yet you also seem to support Kayo a great deal.”

To me, Kayo is like a master that I have spent a great deal of time with. It’s only natural then, isn’t it?

“A master, huh…Is that the only reason?”

I don’t matter. Right now we’re talking about Kayo. And also…I have several things I’d like to ask you.

“There are questions I can answer, and those that I can’t. Just like you.”

I looked at the notebook on Elluka’s lap.

You’ve been writing something down for a while now…what in the world is it?

“Ah, this…Lately I’ve become a bit interested in writing. Your story is more interesting than I’d expected, so I’m recording the contents here. It might sell if I make it into a novel. Or it could make a good stage play. Or perhaps some other—”

You may do whatever you like with it, I don’t care. …One more question. Were you really looking to heal Kayo’s mind, or—

“You can tell that much without my input, can’t you? …As you guessed, I was merely after Kayo’s body, given that it was full of magical power. Our interests happened to coincide, and I simply took advantage of that. If Kayo had refused, I would have stolen it by force.”

That must be how she has continued to live all these centuries.

“Only…Don’t misunderstand me, but I even though I had no inclination towards helping Kayo, that doesn’t mean I had any malice towards her either. I didn’t do anything to her outside of the body exchange. –That’s why even I don’t know how or why Kayo committed the act that she did afterwards.”

…

“Of course, it is possible that it was some side effect as a result of the ‘body swap’. But that alone doesn’t serve as an explanation. …Though I think that you might hold the key to that question.”

I supposed then it was for that reason Elluka was listening to what I had to say.

“The ‘body swap’ is a spell with a heavy burden on me in the first place. My power grew weaker temporarily. So I really didn’t do anything extraneous for that whole year.”

Is that the reason why you didn’t immediately make a grab for the scissors?

“…Well, something like that. I had thought until today that the ‘Demon of Envy’ was in the scissors. That demon is a little bit particular. It’s dangerous, and I wouldn’t be able to get off lightly if I mishandled it. So I had been leaving it be until I could recover my power—Imagine my surprise to find an entirely different being residing in there instead.”

…Let’s continue Kayo’s story.

“Hmph, guess you’re not looking to reveal your true identity.”

.

--Kayo had been reborn in your appearance…a new person, who had pink hair and fair skin. But bizarrely enough there was not a single person around her who saw that as strange.

As for the reason why, Elluka provided an explanation:

“I have a little bit of power to manipulate the minds of others. Though it’s a meagre power, far weaker than it used to be. However I was at least able to manage convincing all around Kayo that ‘she’d looked like that before’.”

I had no way of ascertaining if that was true or not.

But as far as the phenomenon that I had seen, I would have to say that her words were correct.

…Anyway, thanks to that there was no particular disorder right after the body exchange. Kayo lived as she had before, save for that she would no longer worry that there were any burn scars left on her.

However…a new problem began to arise in her heart.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[the--sad--hatter]

Phantom Pain (17)

FANDOM - MARVEL MCU

PAIRING - Bucky X Reader 

WARNINGS - Bad Habits and Rough Sex, Angsty and Dark AF. 

DESCRIPTION -  Everybody in the world knew of you, but not who you really were. Some called you a vigilante, some called you a criminal and some called you a hero but all of them called you The Phantom. Only two people knew your real identity and they swore to never tell anyone but when The Avengers need to infiltrate a high-security facility, Bruce Banner deduces that you’re the only one who can pull it off. That decision puts you and Bucky Barnes on a path you can’t turn back from, even if neither of like where it’s leading.

Series Masterlist 

Chapter Seventeen - Aftermath and Aftercare 

The water of the bath was warm and soothing but it was the heat from his chest where you were lazily curled that was soothing your body the most. Your mind was numb and all you could register was the way Bucky’s metal fingers moved through the water, you were transfixed by the way they dipped in and out of the bath as he trickled water over your skin.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked, pressing his lips into the damp skin of your shoulder.

“Quite the opposite.” You laughed softly.

“I wasn’t too rough? I held back but I don’t know that I held back enough.” He said regretfully.

You turned in the water to look at him and he loosened his hold so you could move but didn’t let you go.

“Bucky, you didn’t hurt me. At all. It was perfect.”

“Domniţă...” He sighed.

“What?” You asked, frowning at his tone.

“Look.” He said, gesturing to your body.

Your eyebrows raised in surprise as you saw the reason for his guilt. Little bruises were scattered across your cleavage. There were fingerprint bruises on both your hips and the tops of your thighs. You looked like you’d been thoroughly and roughly fucked, which is exactly what happened.

“Not bad for a hundred year old old man Sarge.” You snickered.

He gave you a look that was equal parts disbelief and disapproval but his attention drifted to the water droplets trickling down your skin. He reached out and caught a drop that was rolling down your collarbone with his finger and you closed your eyes and your head lolled backwards at the gentle touch. You felt his lips ghost over your exposed throat and sighed blissfully.

“I won’t break.” You murmured.

He pulled you back against his chest and you sighed dreamily and relaxed into him. Aside from the distant achey bruised feeling between your legs, you felt perfect. You were practically boneless and limp. You’d never felt calmer or safer than you did in that moment and you wished it could last forever.

But it couldn’t. The sex had been incredible and you’d stayed so long after it, allowing him to run you a bath and hold you but it was time to go. If you stayed any loner you were crossing a line that you didn’t want to even approach.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, picking up on the change in your mood.

“Just wondering how I’m going to manage the walk back to my room when my legs still feel like jelly.” You joked.

You’d been subtly hinting that you weren’t staying but Bucky took it the wrong way.

“You think I’m going to kick you out? Domniţă I want you to stay.” He told you.

“Bucky I can fuck you but I can’t sleep with you. Sleeping together is for couples and we aren’t a couple.”

“SO when you said you were mine you didn’t mean it?” He said bitterly and pushed you forwards so he could get out the bath.

The water spilled down his lower half and he thankfully wrapped a towel around his waist before you got any more distracted. Though his chest was still bare...

“I’m yours when we’re in bed together but outside of that I don’t belong to anybody.” You said, hiding your face from him so he couldn’t see your shame.

You felt like you’d deceived him, even though you hadn’t done it on purpose. Your lust clouded mind just hadn’t been clearer with your intentions.

“Fine, I won’t hold you to what you said when you weren’t clear headed.” He said and you briefly wondered if he could read your mind.

“Thankyou.” You said.

“But I meant what I said. I want you to be mine.” He continued, holding out his hand to help you out of the bath.

You chewed your lip as you looked at his outstretched hand.

“I can do it myself.” You said.

He heard what you were saying loud and clear because he turned around and walked out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

You blinked back your tears and got out of the bath slowly, wrapping a towel around your body. You remembered that your clothes were torn.

“Bucky? You ripped my clothes, I need to borrow a shirt?” You said, poking your head out of the door.

“You wanna wear my clothes? Isn’t that a little too intimate?” He asked sarcastically.

“Fine. I’ll walk back to my room naked.” You snapped and a red Henley hit you in the face.

You slammed the door closed and shrugged the towel off, pulling the top on and melting a little at his scent that was now wrapped around you.

“Can we talk about this?” You asked as you opened the door.

He turned round to look at you with blazing anger in his eyes but as soon as he saw you standing there in his shirt he visibly softened.

“What do you want from me?” He implored.

It was an excellent question.

“I want to be your friend, I want to give myself to you as much as I’m capable.” You said.

“So I can have you, but not fully.”

“You can have me but I can’t be your girl. I don’t want a relationship, not a romantic one.” You told him.

“So let me see if I’ve got this. You’ll be my friend, you’ll fuck me but you won’t ever sleep in my bed. What else is off limits?” He said, sitting down on the bed dejectedly.

“I... maybe we shouldn’t talk about this. Maybe we should admit that we made a mistake.” You said.

“No!” He said, his head snapping up to look at you.

“Tell me what you want. Just tell me.” He insisted.

“You can have my body, whenever, however, wherever you want it but not my heart. No romance, no casual affection, no dates, no sleepovers.” You said, using your business tone to get through the situation.

He thought about it for a moment.

“Fine. I’ll agree to your terms if you agree to mine.” He decided.

“Go on?”

“You don’t kiss, flirt with or fuck anybody else.” He said simply.

“Why would I want to?” You muttered under your breath and he chuckled, you’d forgotten about super hearing again.

“Deal.” You said and help out your hand to shake on it officially.

He stood up and walked over to you, ignoring your hand and pulling you into a spine tingling kiss.

“No casual affection.” You said in a daze.

“Nothing casual about that.” He growled.

“No, ok. You’re right. Ok, well... goodnight.” You said, backing away from him.

“Goodnight Domniţă.”

You fled. You turned on your heel and literally fled. You didn’t stop until you were in your own room, pushing the door closed behind yourself.

You had just had the best sex of your life with the most amazing man you’d ever met. You should have been ecstatic, elated, you should have been jumping up and down for joy. Instead, as soon as your door closed you slid down the wall and rested your head on your knees as sobs wracked your body.

You could get up and knock on his door. You could tell him that you were all in, that you wanted to be his in every way. His eyes would probably light up and he would pull you into his embrace. You could sleep in his bed, wrapped in his warmth, safe and happy. You could wake up to his kiss and a lazy, content smile. You yearned for it so badly that you stood up and opened your door.

But then you remembered something.

“Alex, you don’t have to cook every morning.” Your mother laughed as she came into the kitchen, tickling your sides and kissing your cheeks as soon as she saw you.

“For the two most beautiful women in the world, it’s a pleasure.” He said, turning away from the stove to smile fondly at you both.

“Queenie, your father is a sap.” Your mother told you, smiling fondly back at him despite her words.

“I’m a man in love. I have an amazing wife and a perfect daughter and all I have to offer them in return is pancakes.” He said.

The happiness you could have if you walked back to Bucky’s room would be spectacular, but it would only be temporary. And when it was gone, it would leave you cold and empty. Love would be your undoing, it would break you. You closed the door.

You could not and would never let yourself love Bucky Barnes.

But before you crawled into your own tragically empty and cold bed, you chose to not change out of his shirt, letting his scent linger around you the way you’d refused to let him do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes, I know... I'm evil and you hate me... I've masked my IP address so I'm not worried about it HAHAHAHAHAHA 

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[brightlilies-a]

   cracks knuckles. i’ve long put off rewriting this one, if not because it’s not an easy or concise subject matter to discuss, so bear with me. . . ! spoilers for dnc & 5.0 msq (though the latter is lighter, so i can expand on it later with a broader scope).

   headcanon, re: purpose.    * partially rewritten from my old blog & otherwise including new stuff.

   what’s your purpose?

   if you had asked him that question during a realm reborn and heavensward, he’d wholeheartedly answer that all he wants to do is have the strength to protect others. the funny thing is that it’s a purpose that was given to him——not because he’s the warrior of light or because people are relying upon his continued success, but because it was something his older brother, albi’a, said near constantly prior to the calamity. they were to use their strength to ensure the safety of the tribe, and when they would eventually be outcast, that strength would become something to protect others with. power was meant to protect——that was all it ever meant to albi’to.

   ‘course, after albi’a’s death at carteneau and his mother pushing him to become an adventurer seemingly on a whim, albi’to ultimately ended up parroting that sentiment for a good chunk of time. if someone asked why he was an adventurer, it was always to gain the power to protect, with no deeper thought to it. he believed his would-be mantra, sure (if he hadn’t, he would have never approached the gladiator’s guild, nor walked the path of a paladin), but the words were never something that were his. they were the remnants of a promise left unfulfilled, acting as a buoy for a young man with little else to cling to in the vast, churning ocean of heroics and intrigue that was swiftly becoming his life.

   putting it like that and only looking at it from that perspective, however, makes it seem insincere——and it’s not. albi genuinely wants to protect people. he’s kind and compassionate to others because he’s had a rough go at life and he doesn’t want anyone to go through what he did. he lost his home and much of what he considered his family only to be shuffled into a place that didn’t even want him all at once, and yet, he keeps his optimism (even if at times, he didn’t think he could.). so he often sympathizes, even with people he possibly shouldn’t, and wants to keep them safe.

   but, then again, stormblood happens. namely, in crimson it began happens, as all things inevitably return to zenos. zenos, who is so uncaring to things that don’t interest him, set against albi, who feels so much toward everything and everyone. and yet, the power albi had obtained to protect others wasn’t enough. the conviction he’d allowed to guide him through combating ultima weapon and the whole of the dragonsong war fell short suddenly. the scar on his shoulder is an ugly reminder of his loss, but his shattered shield, like haurchefant’s, reinforces a reality that, for a while, he’s afraid of: he can’t protect everyone.

   so he shifts jobs to samurai, thinking if he gets stronger he can brute force his way through it. he can still protect people, but maybe he doesn’t need a shield to do it. maybe all he needs is a stronger sword that will stop threats in their tracks. but the foundation of his (brother’s) belief that the strong will always be able to protect the weak is cracked, and patches 4.4 onward really reinforce that. for much of stormblood though, there isn’t any time to waver, so the problem only rears its head once the scions start getting called away and he’s helpless to do anything to stop it. yet again, he can’t stop what’s happening, not to the people he cares so much for, and no amount of power is going to help him.

   albi doesn’t do well on his own, as he’s never really had to face who he is and process his own identity. he tends to ensure other people are near him, hiding most of his insecurities through being overly social and directing conversation away from himself. so much of the time between 4.5 part 1 and 4.5 part 2 is very, very rough on him, because he’s holding on so tightly to the image of the warrior of light people want and expect from him, punishing himself for not being able to help the people he’s losing, and ignoring those who are still around’s concerns for him. part 2 of the patch helps, as aymeric reminds him that he isn’t alone, and tataru opens his eyes to the fact he can’t keep bottling everything up and trying to handle these things on his own anymore, which are both things he desperately, desperately needs to hear at that point.

   so while they’re out looking for the crystal tower beacon… he’s not alone, and he’s doing better to include the others in what he’s doing so they can help, but it’s not perfect. it’s hard when he isn’t the same bright-eyed kid that walked into the waking sands at thancred’s behest. he’s still loud and energetic, but he’s begun to mellow out somewhat from everything he’s been through and witnessed.

   above all else, though, he’s come to terms with the truth he once feared: he can’t protect everyone; sometimes, he can’t even protect himself. which brings us back to that initial question of purpose.

   if he cannot protect with his shield and if his blade alone cannot wield enough power, then what’s left to guide him on his way? he’s relied on the scions’ support for so long, and while he’s always done what’s expected of him, he’s never really had much to offer outside of being the eikon slayer or the muscle. but while he’s not allowed to help search for the beacon himself, it gives him plenty of time to find another answer for himself, which he does on a wayward trip to limsa lominsa to visit his sister.

   “ put another way, bringing joy and succor to the scorned and the suffering is no less than our calling in life. ” - nashmeira, a soirée in the sultanate.

   while he’s never offered much besides being a weapon, albi has always had a naturally charismatic personality. he likes people, enjoys their company, delights in bringing them together and building them up. which, in some ways, goes hand in hand with being the warrior of light——sowing hope where despair otherwise reigns is simply part of being the realm’s champion, even if he isn’t fond of the title himself. so the thought of supporting the people around him is one that is more secondhand nature than parroting what his brother said while he was alive, and one that comes more naturally to him.

   natural affinity for and history of dance aside (because this isn’t about that), it’s a job that suits him infinitely better than swinging a sword around. and not because he’s simply good at dancing, but because being a dancer is about supporting the people around oneself, lifting their spirits and unburdening hearts, leaving a bit of joy and happiness in his wake. it isn’t something done alone; it requires a partner or an audience.

   and traveling with troupe falsiam, brief as it might’ve been, truly assured him that he wanted to do nothing more with his life. fighting the absolutely horrible monsters born out of the sorrow in people’s hearts, seeing their burdens manifest like that, it hurt, sure. but he had the ability to help those people, so he would. and he will, because in the end it’s what he wants to do. mistress nashmeira’s words ring true in a way he wholly agrees with——his purpose isn’t to protect people or to fight their battles, but to bring joy and help the helpless. to do as much as he can as kindly as he can, but not promise any form of salvation.

   because he’s not a god, nor is he infallible, and twelve does he know that.

   “ in a place like this, you learn to take what little moments of happiness you can get. “ - tesleen, the time left to us.

   of course, norvrandt puts this new purpose to its test swiftly. most people don’t have much of a reason to be happy, what with the end of the world being nigh. the people’s hearts are filled with doubts, shadows of disdain for the lot they’ve been given, and even by the time he goes to amh araeng to meet with alisaie (which he does first, given how things ended at ghimlyt dark), albi is keenly aware of the general condition. moreover, that it isn’t anything he can fix immediately, because as long as the main problem exists, people will continue to suffer after the fact.

   worse, having gone through what he did alongside troupe falsiam tends to make the events in norvrandt pull on his heartstrings uncomfortably. meeting f’lhaminn once more before seeing thancred struggle to let go of minfilia, dealing with the fuath wanting to make him theirs to perform again and again in endless fights on their drowned stage, watching the carers at journey’s head struggle to find even an ilm of kindness to share with the afflicted... not to mention eulmore in its entirety engorging itself on false happiness, there’s a lot that makes him hesitate. lightwardens, and knowing they were once people, make him sad, but he tries to view it as tesleen put it: the warrior of darkness comes to care for souls at their dying moment, to bring them somewhere hopefully better than where they are currently.

   not a promise of salvation, but a measure of kindness he can deliver to them. something that keenly fits along with the purpose he’s decided for himself, that isn’t asking him to be something or someone he isn’t.

[valsedelesruines]

Some Late Night Thots

There’s something strange about culture shock in your home country (haha how pretentious is that). And it’s not just the crisps/chips issue, which makes me feel a bit like a cringy Anglophile rather than whatever living in England for the last four years can be classed as. I desire no sympathy or correction for those tidbits of slang. It’s not nostalgia, or some end of my time in education and the subsequent bittersweet anxiety that tags along. I think I just never expected to come back here for more than three weeks. It makes me think about where my mind is at the moment.

My relationship with life circles back to this same feeling every now and then. Sometimes I like to do something distracting, mostly by physically leaving and traveling somewhere new. Sometimes I like to take very long, arduous walks somewhere quiet with no people, and do something meditative. Not sitting and thinking, more like dancing and screaming into holes in the dirt, carving symbols into tree trunks. If I stay there too long though, I swear I would go mad. Any respite from society requires a return, otherwise you might never want to retrace that golden thread. The issue with being a hermit and retreating from the world is that you can only teach yourself so much on your own. I love life, but like in any relationship, you can’t be 100 percent over-the-moon in love all the time. Sometimes, with routine, with expectations, I can only feel apathetic. No, not apathetic. And it’s not discouragement. The feeling is best described in the Peggy Lee song, Is that all there is? where she describes herself as not ready for that “that final disappointment,” despite feeling a bit underwhelmed up by the highs and the lows of it all. The question really is, Is that all there is?

Ok, so this is my fear then. And it is not the final disappointment. It’s the many disappointments that are set up along the way. And how I would react to those disappointments, for I can only imagine that even with great sadness or great joy I would subconsciously ruin it all by wondering, “Oh, so that’s what that experience or feeling is like.” Maybe it’s a fear of understanding life as it reaches its points and passes by. It’s like how pilgrims feel disappointed when they finally reach their destination, after having travelled long distances with high expectations for what it would be when they got there. When I was younger, I read Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and read “We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.” Since reading that I never worried about if I was feeling happy or sad, because there was nothing to compare it to. How was I supposed to know if this was the greatest happiness I would feel if I had nothing to compare it to? How would I know if this was the deepest sorrow if there could be more sorrowful days ahead of me? That was a great, yet existential, first lesson in subjectivity for me and I will never forget it. I stopped worrying about happiness and sadness back then, which works for me personally as so far i’ve never been predisposed to depression ( I wouldn’t recommend Kundera to those with depression).

When I see the hopefully vast amount of years ahead of me it scares me. I can’t plan out anything in the future, not because I couldn’t achieve it, but because I can’t imagine being so driven by the knowns of life. I can’t imagine living a life, a peaceful and full life, essentially. Chaos is a nice distraction for me. And it makes me happy. But even with my happiness, my mind tends to feel like some troubled seas, perhaps never finding any peace, but rather attempting to lead me to a myriad of locations. I can work with that though. In fact, I have made it work and to be honest I probably bring it upon myself. I don’t really want a purpose in life, or meaning, or some kind of point. I think for me that would be limiting. It’s like what the Rock Man, from the cartoon-film The Point, says to Oblio ,who asks him whether or not he’s in the pointless forest: “You see what you want to see and you hear what you want to hear.” I think with some sort of purpose, meaning, identity, whatnot, it makes the individual eliminate experience that can deny, refute, or change that “point”. I suppose that’s personal bias and can’t be avoided, but can you at least try?

I think a lot of young people lie to themselves and are good at it. It’s no one’s fault except that those are convincing lies of convenience to make life simpler. Recently, I’ve done a lot of lying to myself about what kinds of things I want out of life. I read in Spinoza’s Theologico-Political treatise that ”Every man’s true happiness and blessedness consist solely in the enjoyment of what is good, not in the pride that he alone is enjoying it, to the exclusion go others. He who thinks himself the more blessed because he is enjoying benefits which others are not, or because he is more blessed or more fortunate than his fellows, is ignorant to true happiness and blessedness, and the joy which he feels is either childish or envious or malicious. For instance, a man’s true happiness consists only in wisdom, and the knowledge of the truth, not at all in the fact that he is wiser than others, or that others lack such knowledge: such considerations do not increase his wisdom or true happiness.” Pretty basic stuff, I suppose, getting at the basis of happiness. Ideas like, happiness is better attained through helping others rather than individualism or “self-care” and such. But I think the idea is that we can lie to ourselves about happiness, and whether it is true or not. Going back to our metaphoric relationships with life, we can lie to ourselves and to others about whether or not we are 100 percent ok about it all the time, but that’s not going to help anyone and probably would be confusing in the long run. It’s a confusion that leads to loss of true self, and the satisfaction of a true life.

I consider myself a fool, but I don’t view it as self-deprecating in any way. I view it as a universal truth. I think we are all fools by nature and shouldn’t get down about it or overwhelmed. There will always be someone who knows more than you and there will always be someone who knows less than you. Learning from these people, alive and dead, can be used as an opportunity to fill in the gaps while we’re alive. I think there are knowledgeable fools, as best described in The Beatles song, The Fool on the Hill, but for the most part we are all lacking in that expanse of knowledge that exists about our own lives, the lives of others, what is to come, what has been, and what is already happening around us. Sometimes tarot can help, for those who will it to be, but even that is something I’ve moved away from. I no longer care about what happens in the future. It’s too vast, too unknown, too untenable, too stupid, too boring, too exciting, too small, too short, too long, too sad, too loving, too accomplished, and too full of failure for me to want any of the details. A girl in middle school once gave me a handmade bookmark which said, “always read the last page of the book you are reading, in case you die before you reach the end.” I hated that bookmark.

I know a part of my life has ended, and now it’s time to live out the new part. At first I felt overwhelmed, but that was more because I started to fall into the trap of trying to figure things out. I’m not frustrated, or sad, or really apathetic, I suppose. At this point, I am not happy all the time, but simply riding on the waves of my own creation. I am here to fill in the gaps not to understand or plan or care about what will be.

[centralparkpawsblog]

The 10 Best Flea and Tick Collars for Dogs

https://www.centralparkpaws.net/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/Flea-infested-itchy-dog-scratching-why-choose-dog-collar.jpg

Recently, I’ve had the joy to watch one of my best friends adopt her own puppy and bring him home.

She’d never owned her own dog before, so it was great to watch her experience all of his first milestones.

Some were more enjoyable than others, but there are always a few firsts that dog owners have to experience.

The night she discovered tiny black bugs in his soft puppy fur, she panicked and didn’t know what to do.

She didn’t have the budget to take him to the vet and buy a prescription just yet, so she needed a cheaper but still effective solution.

I told her to turn to flea collars and she was not disappointed.

Here are the best flea collars for dogs that I’d recommend to any dog owner looking for an easy flea solution.

How Flea Collars Work

Depending on the type of flea collar you buy, the ingredients will be different but still work the same way.

Within the first 24 hours of the flea collar being worn by your dog, the ingredients in the collar will slowly disperse through your dog’s fur.

As these ingredients are soaked into your dog’s skin, the more protected they are from fleas and ticks.

The ingredients can both kill flea infestations and prevent future ones, depending on the purpose of the flea collar.

Types of Flea Collars

Those who have only ever trusted a flea medication for their dog may be wondering how they work.

There are two types of flea collars on the market that are effective, so you can choose from either one.

Unless you already know that your dog has skin allergies or sensitivities, you may not find out that they’re better with one kind of flea collar over another until you try them both out.

Chemical Flea Collars

The first is a chemical flea collar.

It’s made with an insecticide[1] that slowly releases into your dog’s fur, which ends the life cycle of the fleas. They can kills eggs, larvae and even adult fleas.

Some chemical flea collars may contain multiple insecticides for the most powerful infestations, but they’ll all be tested before being sold to the public.

All-Natural Flea Collars

Make sure to discuss the following options with your canine companion to see which they prefer

The other kind of collar is the all-natural flea collar.

It uses only natural ingredients[2] to kill and deter fleas, like citronella and other oils.

Fleas get turned away by the smell of the ingredients if they aren’t killed off immediately, but dogs and humans won’t be bothered by it.

Best Flea Collars

There are a few varying factors that will affect which dog collar you buy for your dog.

Age and weight are some of them, but size is one of the most important.

Check out these flea collar superlatives by size that should help you figure out what to get.

ProductProtection LengthMinimum AgeRatingPrice Bayer Seresto Flea and Tick Collar8 Months7 Weeks3.7$$$$$ Check Price Hartz Ultraguard Flea and Tick Collar7 Months12 Weeks3.7$ Check Price Rolf Club 3D Flea Collar6 Months12 Weeks4.0$$$ Check Price Arava Flea and Tick Prevention Collar6 MonthsNone Givien3.7$$$$ Check Price Lucky Pluto Flea Collar8 MonthsNone Given3.4$$ Check Price Dr. Bob Goldstein Nature's Protection Herbal Dog Collar3 Months16 WeeksN/A$$ Check Price Mozart's Flea and Tick Prevention Collar6 Months5 Weeks4.4$$$ Check Price PetArmor Flea and Tick Collar6 Months12 Weeks2.3$$ Check Price Joeor Prolonged Flea and Tick Collar8 Months8 Weeks4.4$$$ Check Price TevraPet Proact Flea and Tick Collar12 Months12 Weeks3.3$$$ Check Price

My Top Pick

Bayer Seresto Flea and Tick Collar

While there are tons of flea collars out there to choose from, the one I’ve seen work on a consistent basis is the Seresto collar by Bayer.

Click the image for more info

Overview

It’s made for dogs of all sizes and ages, so you don’t need to worry about the specifics.

Vets also commonly recommend this collar because it’s powerful in the fight against fleas without being a major irritant to your dog’s skin.

You can get it at almost any pet supply store or online.

What I Liked

Dog owners looking for the most effective flea and tick collar should turn to Seresto.

When you buy a Seresto product, you’re getting a collar that stops fleas in their tracks. It kills them before they lay eggs and repels any other fleas or ticks from joining the party.

It’s not greasy and has no odor, so it’s pleasant for humans to be around when your dog wants to cuddle.

Additionally, Seresto collars can help symptoms of sarcastic mange, which sometimes goes hand in hand with flea outbreaks[3].

Mites are friends of fleas, and they can cause mange when they burrow under your dog’s skin.

What I Didn’t Like

There’s not much to not like about the Seresto collar.

If your dog doesn’t have any immediate allergic reactions to wearing it, it does its job well and helps with additional issues like mange.

Final Thoughts

The Seresto collar is an easy way to cover all your dog’s bases, which is why it’s trusted by so many dog owners around the world.

You won’t be taking much of a gamble by trying this collar out on your dog.

You can find a more in-depth review of the Bayer Seresto collar here.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Flea Collar for Small Dogs

Hartz Ultraguard Flea and Tick Collar

Small dog owners probably spend their time looking for a collar that’s both the right size and the right price.

Paying a huge price for such a small collar can feel like a rip off, but you don’t have to sacrifice your budget to find something that works when there’s the Hartz Ultraguard Flea and Tick collar.

Click the image for more info

What I Liked

This flea collar usually sold in a pack of two for around or less than ten dollars, depending on where you shop.

Anything that helps out my budget is a winner for me.

Even though your dog only needs one collar at a time, they aren’t meant to last forever.

A pack of two will save you time and money in the future when the collar needs to be replaced.

This chemical collar is water resistant too[4], so your dog can run through a sprinkler and not ruin the collar.

Just make sure to remove it before they take a bath or go swimming.

Being dunked continuously in water will make the chemicals release faster, wasting the active ingredients that should extend for months at a time.

Click the image to read the itty bitty text

What I Didn’t Like

I’m not a huge fan of the fact that puppies younger than 12 weeks old can’t wear this collar.

They won’t be socializing much anyway, since they’ll be catching up on their vaccinations, but they can still get fleas and ticks when they go outside during potty training.

Dog parents shouldn’t feel like their only option is to buy the more expensive oral medication.

Final Thoughts

I love that this collar can be bought in a pack of two.

Most flea collars are only sold individually, but I like that you can stock up with Hartz Ultraguard.

Even though young puppies can’t wear the collar, it’s still a great option for smaller dogs looking for flea and tick protection.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Flea Collar for Medium Dogs

Rolf Club 3D Flea Collar

Medium dogs may have the easiest time finding a collar that fits, especially since Rolf Club makes their 3D Flea Collar.

Click the image for more info

What I Liked

The 3D collar is specifically designed to by hypoallergenic, so your dog can still wear it if their skin normally reacts to things like different shampoos or sprays.

It’s also an odorless way to protect your dog from mosquitoes and lice, in addition to fleas.

Some spot-on flea treatments leave an unpleasant odor after application, which can stick around for a day or two.

This collar is an easy way to avoid that without compromising on your dog’s flea protection.

What I Didn’t Like

Some owners have reported that the collar may slip off of your dog, but I believe that’s due to either getting the wrong size or not securing it correctly.

Make sure to read the packaging so you put it on your dog the right way, since not all flea collars are designed to be identical.

Final Thoughts

Averaging around $30, it’s a reasonable price to pay for such great canine protection.

You’ll only have to replace the Rolf Club 3D flea collar twice a year, which is still much more affordable than oral or spot-on medication.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Flea Collar for Large Dogs

Bayer Flea and Tick Collar Again

Large dogs require a flea collar that has a bit of extra strength, since there’s so much surface area to cover. Bayer Animal Health will keep your dog safe with the Seresto Flea and Tick Collar.

Click the image for more info

What I Liked

Any large breed dog seven weeks or older can wear this collar, so your dog can grow up with the same product.

The Seresto collar also has a lower concentration of active chemical ingredients, so they won’t irritate the skin while they release slowly over time.

Your dog will be protected for up to eight months while wearing this non-greasy, odorless collar.

What I Didn’t Like

There’s not much to be said regarding complaints with the Seresto collar.

There are only a few rare cases where the collar didn’t help end a flea infestation, which may be related to the lower concentration of active ingredients.

Final Thoughts

The Seresto collar is one of the biggest sellers in the dog flea collar market, especially for big dogs.

If you haven’t tried a flea collar on your dog before, this may be the collar that gets recommended to you the most by friends and your dog’s vet.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Safest Flea Collar

Arava Flea and Tick Prevention collar

Click the image for more info

Chemical flea collars are out on the market because they’ve been tested and proven to be safe for dogs to wear.

Still, dog owners can feel uncomfortable when the word “chemicals” is mentioned.

That’s completely understandable, which is why natural flea collars like the Arava Flea and Tick Prevention collar have a huge presence in the flea collar market.

What I Liked

The all-natural ingredients are definitely a bonus.

I would never have to worry about them bothering Maggie’s skin, which is even more difficult when you have a dog with thick fur.

You can trust the natural herbs and essential oils that make this a powerful collar in the fight against fleas and ticks.

What I Didn’t Like

Some consumers have made it clear that this collar didn’t do much to end flea infestations that had become pretty bad.

If your dog is suffering from a long-term flea problem, you’ll want to go with a collar that has more powerful ingredients.

Or a short term oral solution may be what’s right, and then you can get the Arava collar for your dog to wear once their coat is back to normal.

Final Thoughts

I still stand by the fact that all-natural collars can be just as effective as chemical collars.

The Arava collar proves this, since it’s trusted by so many dog owners to protect their dogs for months at a time.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Flea Collar for Puppies

Bayer Seresto Flea and Tick Collar Once More

Buying a flea collar for a puppy is tricky.

Most collars won’t be safe for a puppy to wear, because of the chemicals they contain.

That’s why so many new puppy parents turn to the Seresto flea collar for help.

Click the image for more-ah, you know the drill by now!

What I Liked

Depending on the puppy’s age, their liver may not be fully developed to process out chemicals.

Vets may recommended oral flea medication at a lower dose, but there’s also the Seresto flea collar if that’s what you’d prefer to use for your dog’s flea protection.

Many vets recommend that puppies as young as seven weeks old wear the Seresto flea collar[5].

It’s safe for young puppies because it’s designed to be tough on ticks and fleas without introducing anything a young puppy may not be able to process through their digestive tract.

What I Didn’t Like

It’s disappointing that something as well known as the Seresto collar isn’t also made with all-natural ingredients.

Still, dogs wear the Seresto collar all the time and don’t experience any bad side effects, so it’s unlikely that your puppy will be any different.

Final Thoughts

It’s hard to find a flea collar for puppies, but the Seresto flea and tick collar makes it easy to protect your pup.

Starting your puppy with a Seresto collar could mean that they wear the Seresto brand as they grow up, which is easier for everyone involved.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Flea Collar for Older Dogs

Lucky Pluto Flea Collar

As dogs age, they have different health issues to keep in mind when purchasing something for them like the Lucky Pluto flea collar.

Click the image for more info

What I Liked

In general, it’s a good idea to not give a dog a flea collar when they have skin lesions[6], which can occur more easily with older dogs.

It’s safer to stick with a flea collar that uses all natural ingredients so it’s irritant free.

Lucky Pluto’s flea collar does just that, while also being allergen-free.

For up to eight months, your senior canine will be protected from fleas and ticks, even if they go for a swim or take a bath.

What I Didn’t Like

It’s a little disappointing whenever a flea collar is water resistant and not waterproof, which is the case for Lucky Pluto.

It’ll take some time to get used to removing the collar every time your dog bathes or goes for a swim, but it’s a small price to pay for effective flea treatment.

Final Thoughts

Older dogs require different precautions than younger dogs, which is why you want to get them the safest collar.

The Lucky Pluto collar won’t let your dog down, so its a safe option to try out on older dogs.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best All-Natural Collar

Dr. Bob Goldstein Nature’s Protection Flea and Tick Collar

When you’re trusting an herbal collar with your dog’s health, you’re going to want to get the best in the business.

That’s why you should trust Dr. Bob Goldstein Nature’s Protection flea and tick collar.

What I Liked

Click the image for more info

This collar uses three natural ingredients to send ticks and fleas running.

Almond oil, peppermint oil, and Virginia cedar oil are all non-toxic ingredients that help in more ways than one.

They have antiseptic, antibacterial, and anti-fungal properties, while also containing an odor that repels fleas.

All you’ll smell is a minty refreshing scent in your dog’s fur, which they may enjoy as well.

What I Didn’t Like

The only annoying feature of this collar is that it has to be replaced every three months.

While it’s relatively inexpensive, it’s another thing to add to your busy schedule.

Keep that in mind before purchasing, if you don’t want to frequently replace your dog’s collar.

Final Thoughts

As far as all-natural collars go, Dr. Bob Goldstein’s Nature’s Protection ranks above them all.

The three main ingredients take care of fleas and ticks fast, which may be worth replacing it every three months for some dog owners.

Check Price

More Info

Best Vet Recommended Collar

Mozart’s Flea and Tick Prevention Collar

Your dog’s vet will know the best way for them to be treated if they have a flea infestation, but vets also recommend that Mozart’s flea and tick prevention collar be used as a precaution when your dog doesn’t have fleas.

Click the image for more info

What I Liked

Mozart’s flea and tick prevention collar is the number one preventative collar that vets recommend.

It uses all natural ingredients like cinnamon oil, clove oil, and lemongrass oil along with citronella and peppermint to keep bugs away.

It will also protect your dog for up to six months.

While that’s slightly shorter than other flea collars, this collar option is much more budget friendly, which is another reason why vets recommend it to so many dog owners.

What I Didn’t Like

A few owners have reported online that the scent from the collar can be quite strong when it’s fresh out of its packaging.

Prepare to let it air out for a few hours before putting it on your dog to help with the smell.

Another important factor for dog owners to consider is that large dogs with thick coats haven’t had as much success with this collar as short haired dogs.

Final Thoughts

There’s no doubting the effectiveness of this all-natural collar, but it may not be for every dog.

If your dog doesn’t see any flea or tick relief within the first 24 hours of wearing the Mozart collar, they may need one that uses strong chemicals instead.

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Six Month Collar

PetArmor Flea and Tick Collar

Six month collars are easy to find, which is why many owners trust the PetArmor flea and tick collar for their dogs.

Click the image for more info

What I Liked

The PetArmor Premium collar come in all sizes and only take a few hours to start killing even the most severe flea infestations.

At the end of six months, replace it with a new collar and your dog will be good to go.

It’s a straightforward collar, so it’s easy for people who are new to flea collars to use correctly on their dog.

What I Didn’t Like

For some reason, chihuahuas and other tiny dogs tend to react poorly to this collar.

So, avoid the PetArmor collar if you have a very small dog!

Final Thoughts

If you don’t have a chihuahua or other tiny dog, the PetArmor collar will take care of your dog’s flea problem quickly and easily.

If you prefer spot-on drops instead, check out our review of PetArmor’s topical flea medication!

Check Price

Read Reviews

Best Eight Month Collar

Joeor Prolonged Flea and Tick Collar

There are many reasons why an eight month flea collar is more appealing to dog owners than a six month collar.

You may have a tight budget to work with or you may not want to remember to replace the collar more than once a year.

If you’re looking for the best eight month collar, look no further than the Joeor Prolonged flea and tick collar.

What I Liked

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This collar repels ticks, fleas, and even mosquitoes during all life stages.

That’s extra pest protection without any extra steps for you to remember to do every month.

Compared to other rigid flea collars, the Joeor collar is also soft and easy to buckle into place.

This may be related to what it’s made out of. It also uses mostly all-natural ingredients, so it’s safer for dogs with sensitive skin to wear.

What I Didn’t Like

The citronella scent of this collar can be overpowering when it’s first used, so prepare yourself for the scent if you decide to buy it for your dog.

Final Thoughts

It’s nice when you can put a flea collar on your dog and not have to worry about replacing it more than once a year.

The Joeor collar is a safe and effective way to keep pests away from your dog, if you don’t mind the citronella smell that will follow your dog around for a bit after they first start wearing it.

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Best Long Term Collar

TevraPet Proact Flea and Tick Collar

Don’t want to keep track of how many months your dog has been using their flea collar? Try out a year long, long term collar like the TevraPet Proact flea and tick collar.

What I Liked

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The TervaPet collar is meant to be used for up to twelve months at a time, so it’s waterproof and slowly releases continuous protection over time.

Dogs twelve weeks and older can use it, so younger puppies can grow up with this collar.

If your dog is smaller, the collar can easily be cut to fit your dog’s neck perfectly.

Another great feature?

It’s commonly sold in packs of two, both online and in stores. For an average of $30, you could get two years of pest protection for your dog.

What I Didn’t Like

A general issue that comes with long term collars is that pet parents stop checking their dog for fleas and ticks regularly when their dog is wearing the collar.

At first, that may be fine, but the collar may become less effective over time.

Dunking the collar in water is one of the easiest ways to make it less effective, so just remember to check your dog regularly even if they have a long term flea and tick collar on.

Final Thoughts

It’s great that pet parents have the option to buy long term flea collars for their dogs, but it doesn’t mean you should stop being proactive

If your dog wears a collar like the TevraPet collar and you’re also brushing them to check for bugs, they’re bound to be safe all year round.

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How to Use a Flea Collar Effectively

It’s important for dog owners to know that different flea collars may come with slightly different instructions.

If you want to be sure that you’re using the flea collar effectively, read the back of the packaging that you bought.

Still, there are a few general steps that flea collars require in order to be used.

Make sure you do these following things so your dog is protected from pests.

Unroll and Stretch It

Most flea collars will be rolled up and then packaged.

Once you unroll the collar and stretch it out, the main ingredients will be activated.

You may even see a white powder around the collar after stretching it. That just means the ingredients are working.

Fit the Collar

Next, you can fit the collar around your dogs neck.

There should be two finger spaces between your dog’s neck and the collar for a comfortable fit.

There may be an excess length of collar left after the fitting, which can easily be cut off.

Leave at least an inch or two of extra collar in case it needs to be loosened.

Watch for Skin Irritation

If your dog start scratching at their neck after they’ve worn the collar for a few hours, inspect their skin.

They may have slight skin irritation if the collar is too tight.

Use the extra collar length to loosen it to the appropriate size if needed.

Conclusion

The flea collar you eventually purchase for your dog will depend on many varying factors.

You have to consider if your dog already has fleas or if the collar will be mainly for preventing infestations.

You’ll also have to think about things like your dog’s age, size, and if they have any allergies or skin sensitivities.

Think also about what each flea collar is made out of, so you’re comfortable with what your dog will be wearing.

It sounds like a lot to keep in mind, but your preferences will be second nature once you start reading through your options.

Test out different flea collars to see which ones are the most effective for your dog, so you don’t have to worry about fleas and ticks again.

FAQs

Do Flea Collars Work?

Yes, flea collars work by using one of two methods.

The first is by repelling fleas and ticks by emitting a gas they can’t stand.

If they bite your dog, the gas will also kill them.

The second method is for a flea collar to release active ingredients slowly over time.

These collars may or may not leave a greasy residue in your dog’s fur, depending on the brand.

How Long Does It Take for a Flea Collar to Work?

Most flea collars will begin to work immediately, but the time it takes for them to reach their full effectiveness differs.

Some collars will begin to work within minutes, while others require a few hours.

At most, you can expect a flea collar to begin taking effect within 24 hours of placement.

If there are still fleas and ticks on your dog after that, it may be time to switch to a new brand.

Are Flea Collars Safe?

Some dog owners worry that flea collars aren’t safe because they contain chemicals that kill fleas and ticks.

While the initial thought of chemicals in your dog’s fur may be concerning, all flea collars are tested for safety before being sold.

The only way a flea collar may not be the safest option for your dog is if they have an allergic reaction to the chemicals used.

If that happens, you may want to switch your dog over to an all-natural flea collar.

Do Flea Collars Have Side Effects?

Flea collars are one of the most common ways dog owners protect their dogs against fleas and ticks.

Because they’re so widely used, they’re recommended as a safe flea and tick alternative to dog owners who don’t want to use oral or spot-on treatments.

However, some side effects may still occur in some dogs.

Dogs with sensitive skin may start scratching at their collar and continue the scratching for hours on end after it’s clipped on.

Dogs may also deal with redness of the skin and possible hair loss around the collar if they’re irritated by the collar’s ingredients or allergic to it[7].

All-natural flea collar alternatives are an allergen-free alternative for dogs who can’t use a traditional flea collar.

Resources

https://www.medicanimal.com/7-FAQs-about-flea-and-tick-collars-for-dogs/a/ART111517

https://www.petmd.com/dog/wellness/how-natural-flea-and-tick-repellants-work

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23760871

https://www.hartz.com/product/hartz-ultraguard-plus-flea-tick-collar-for-dogs/

https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/health/flea-and-tick-medicine-for-puppies/

https://pets.webmd.com/safety-tips-flea-and-tick-products-on-pets#1

https://www.petcarerx.com/article/are-flea-collars-safe/175

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