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shlutnutt · 3 years

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Smutty Kai request!

The reader is an alternative girl so like piercings, tattoos and fishnets…the whole nine yards.

She decides to pay a visit to Kai after seeing him at a rally, she’s been on the edge of death multiple times and is in no way afraid of dying. He tries to manipulate her in true Kai fashion but it doesn’t seem to work, he’s more drawn to her than she is to him. She is not afraid of Kai in any way no matter how he threatens her, it turns her on more than anything. He ends up shoving a gun in her face only for her to suck it off.

Rebel

w: dom reader x dom kai, smut, marijuana usage, gun kink, slapping, choking, language usage, etc

requested by: @friendly-neighborhood-ghoul

The man continued to speak, you finding it incredibly difficult to make up the words that fell out of his lips from the thick joint you smoked earlier and the loudness of the crowd. "have a nice day." happened to be the last few set of words you were able to acknowledge, him passing you a tiny white card with a wide sympathetic smile before practically disappearing passed the huge tinted exit doors that resided in the back of the rally. Losing no time you went out of your way to read the card handed to you, it having printed out the stranger's name and address (Kai Anderson, 555 Apple st) accompanied by a bold quote stating "join me. let's take over the world"

You quickly followed your way out to him immediately after reading the card, in attempt of asking him a couple of questions. Just for Kai to be nowhere to be found, as you stood there only being surrounded by empty cars parked neatly in the parking lot.

"shit." you mumbled to yourself, before speeding off in your own car directly to the printed address, sliding the fact that going to an unknown address to meet up with unknown man was practically considered a death trap, but you of course, didn't mind it not one bit.

Soon arriving at your destination you come up against a group of middle aged men guarding the door with rifles in hand and noticeable pistols in their pants.

"hands up slut!"

"and what the fuck are you cosplaying as?"

"probably some shitty pornogaphic emo anime bitch"

"what the hell is up with you whores tgese days?"

"hey nice cheerleader skirt!"

All of their unwanted chattering drove you over the edge, as one of them dropped their weapon, ran over to you and pushed you against a nearby wall, beginning to check if you were armed yourself to clarify your entry.

"hey man check her army combat boots she might have some shit in there." another yelled out, the guy rapidly ordering you to take off your dr. marten's platforms, soon realizing you were good to go.

"what's all this bullshit for? is the president waiting for me in there?" you rhetorically questioned, causing the man infront of you to slap the right side of your face with as much force as he possibly had in him, you instantly slapping him back notwithstanding the fact that there were approximately six other armed men infront of you.

He was quick to pick up the rifle and aiming it right at your throat.

"lower the guns." you heard a familiar voice order, the men all rapidly lowering their guns at their feet in sync, all accepting the demand, replying with a firm "yes, divine ruler."

"what in the.. fuck" you once again mumbled to yourself, as you looked up at the man you've desperately been wanting to meet, him signiling you in.

He was like a king walking around in his kingdom, the black zip-up hoodie he wore slightly toning the firmness of his form accompanied by the black sweats that sagged on him just a bit, and of course the blue half up-half down that suited him delightfully. Although completely lost in his strangely unique beauty, there was nothing that could've easily taken away the curiosity that you felt from the whole scenery. From the random card, his sudden disappearance, the guards (and the fact you were technically harassed by them), to the colored pieces of tape on his fingers, and the overwhelming feeling of being there in general.

"you know its kinda dangerous driving high, right?" kai interrupted your overthinking, him filling up a glass of water and handing it to you, pointing over at a large leather black couch that stood behind you, you taking your time to take a seat. "don't you think your storm troopers are dangerous too? why do they call you 'divine ruler'? and why were they so heavily armed?". He only chuckled to your referral towards his men, heading over to take a seat beside you.

He was noticeably confident, like he owned the world and had everyone bow down to his presence. Well, but of course not everyone, not you at least. You weren't the type to submit to absolutely anyone, as you damn well knew that the idea of bowing to someone was such a pure act of disrespect to yourself, you unwilling of allowing anyone to feel superior over you being a present mental note.

Kai though, feeling like the king himself had such so many sociopathic traits written all over his face, he seemed cold, eyes full of darkness and evil, not one sign of emotion in them, not happy, not sad, not angry, nothing, there was absolutely nothing, like a robot attempting on mimicking its way out to identify as a human.

"you're not drinking the water I gave you." you heard him voice beside you, applying a slight pressure ontop of your netted thigh, you quickly meeting your gaze with his emotionless ones.

"im not really thirsty." you returned a reply, staring blankly into his eyes, just for him to break the eye contact, heading his eyes onto his right lap.

"it was to cool off your high a bit, im not interested in your thirstiness." Kai replied coldly, returning his gaze from yours back to his lap, repeatedly.

You only observed how he allowed all of his weight to sink into the couch, accommodating one of his hands behind his head whilst the other reached in between your thighs to grab the glass of water you've declined. Sipping on it quickly, you watched how a few drops dripped down from his mouth leading on to his chin and finally onto himself.

"Food shouldn't be declined, y/n." you felt anderson suddenly interrupt your thirsty gaze on him, his knowledge on your name making your eyes widen. "how the fuck do you know my name?" you quickly respond to his statement, eyeing how he playfully fidgeted with his locs, purposely ignoring you. "I said how the fuck do you know my name!?" you yelled out this time, producing his playful fidgeting to be replaced by an angry frown.

"who the fuck are you yelling at, little shit!?" he raised his voice back at you, getting up from his comfortable stance to eye you down better.

Mimicking his position now, you got up and stood infront of him, the platform of your martin's reaching up to his height, you two eyeing eachother a few inches away from each others' faces now, his infuriated, and yours stonely calm.

"Im not afraid of you, Kai Anderson."

"You should get to know me, i'll give you a reason to be."

"I doubt it."

"Oh yeah?"

Anderson only smirked to your rebelliousness and unzipped his zip-up all the way down, demonstrating the pistol he had digged deep into his pants, apart from his fitted body. Your eyes only traveled down his form, the gun in his pants, the band of his calvin clein's, and his v-line, all being your favorite combination on a man.

"Was that supposed to scare me?" you allowed your rebelliousness drive him over the edge, as he now choked slammed you onto the couch you stood infront of, pulling out the gun he had digged in his pants, aiming it fiercely onto your face.

You only giggled to his triggered self, causing him to choke you harder now, you feeling your breathing intensify with every breath you took.

"why-y are you bei-ng s-uch an ash-hole?" you stumbled in between your words, the smile not for once leaving your face, as you looked up at the man who hated nothing more than a woman feeling superior, knowing her worth and not taking bullshit from anyone. You now tried fighting back just for Kai to apply more pressure, pressing the gun closer to your face, him breathingly holding the gun and your neck down.

"don't make me fucking kill you, y/n!" he shouted, pushing the gun closer and closer onto your face, as you eyed the gun and him repeatedly, deciding to part your lips, pushing your head closer to the weapon, allowing it to enter your mouth, for you to now deepthroat it fully.

Feeling his hand loosen around your neck you couldn't help but to dampen yourself from the feeling of his bulge growing ontop of you along with his bottom lip slipped in between his teeth, whispering

"i need to know what it feels like to be inside you.."

tags// @divineruler @copy-of-a-cheeto @evanmybeloved @billyhxrgrove @sinnersblood @crssjjh @myriadofcranes @mossybank @the-hotel-cortez

#evan peters #american horror story #smut #imagines #ahs imagine #ahs cult #kai anderson #x dom!reader

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guardianofjunmyeon · 4 years

Text

Finding Atlantis (part 14)

Genre: Action/Adventure, Enemies to Lovers, PirateAU

Description: 20 years ago the seas became angry. Unruly and unkind to any sailor, to any ship that dared venture too far out in her waters. Many a man has heard the tales of Atlantis, the lost city, the key the ocean. But fewer men know the tale of it’s missing child. The key to the ocean, the key to Atlantis but a lost little one. The power one would hold should they find this child would be nearly that of Poseidon himself. Thus, the hunt began.

A/N: wait i forgot i left you all on a cliffhanger akjfhjf. Here’s an update (finally) im a bitch blocked about where the next chapter is going so it might take...about as long as this one took to be uploaded. Its gonna have some smut tho. This chapter has new characters and PLEASE appreciate my fucking bubble conversation, i wanted to use the whole “she came down in a bubble dawg!” convo but i didnt

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18

There are certain experiences you’ve lived through enough times to consider yourself a pro at handling. Situations like being handcuffed to a bed. Like being left on an island with no food or water. Like having to fight your way out of a bar when someone is getting too rough with the other patrons.

Drowning is quickly becoming a situation with which you are getting too closely acquainted.

When the ocean swallowed your little dinghy, your life flashed before your very eyes. This was truly the end. The last thing you would ever live through would be the song of Atlantis tickling your ears, the sight of Junmyeon glowing blue, and the feeling of Baekhyun’s skin beneath your palm.

All in all it wasn’t the worst way to go, but there was still so much more that you wanted to experience.

You’d never gotten a chance to return home, to sit at that cliff where you sent off your mother’s body and tell her about all of the things you’d done with your life. To describe to her the ship you’d bought, the friends you’d made, the adventures you’d gone on and the memories you’d made. You wanted to go find Victoria again and thank her for taking you in.

You wanted to find that boy that saved your life when you were but a child and to thank him properly. You wanted to tell him all that you’d done and repay him for giving you that chance at life. You wonder if he’s grown up into a handsome man now. If he has a spouse and kids and a happy home on that island you once called home that you left as soon as you could. You wonder if he’d even remember you.

You’d never gotten a chance to get the Storm Chaser those new upgrades that you’d been saving up for. An extension to the crew cabins, sturdier masts, a new set of sails.

You hadn’t gotten the chance to fall in love, to have your heartbroken, to have a baby or even hold one for that matter. Would you have made a good mother? Would you have made a decent wife? Would you have been able to find someone willing to spend the rest of their life with you, on the seas, on land, wherever your hearts could make a home?

Would you have tried to make a home with Baekhyun?

The feeling of being sucked down into the depths of the ocean doesn’t get any less terrifying the second time that you go through it.

As a matter of fact, having it happen again is more terrifying than the first time. Maybe it’s because you can actually feel the pressure of the water crushing your chest. You can feel the way you’re being sucked farther down and the way the water rushes into your nose from the shock of being suddenly dragged under.

It’s nothing like the storm, nothing like fighting the waves and catching the flashes of light as you fought to climb to the surface. Of being tossed around and dropping and rising hundreds of feet seconds at a time. At least then you had a purpose. You aren’t trying to save a life this time. You aren’t able to fight the invisible force dragging you farther and farther down into the water. The water around you is calm, the movement of your body whizzing through the water feels scarily misplaced.

Magical. Unnatural.

Then it all finally stops.

The force pulls you into a pocket of air and gravity takes you by force. Your body collapses on solid ground, and you can breathe. You gasp frantically for air and cough violently as you attempt to catch your breath and your bearings.

You sit up and position yourself on shaky hands and knees as you heave on the dark basalt beneath your splayed fingers.

It takes a few moments of panicked breathing to realize –you’re alive.

You’re alive.

You realize that you’re alive and then you regain enough brain power to panic over if Junmyeon and Baekhyun are also alive. You hear dramatic coughing and hurling to your left and when you investigate you find Baekhyun on his ass with his head between his knees as his spits out salt water.

He looks like a miserable wet dog. You would laugh if you weren’t sure that you look the same.

But where is Junmyeon?

You look left and right, in front of you and behind you but you see no trace of him. No sign of him in the underwater cave you’ve somehow found yourself.

“How did we even get in here?” you spit more salt water on the ground and look for your area of entry. Down. It felt like you fell down. So maybe there is something above.

A gasp gets caught in your throat at the sight above you. Open water somehow suspended above. If you weren’t nearly positive that you somehow fell from there, you would think there was some extremely strong glass blocking the water from falling through the hole above. You can see the glow of deep sea fish swimming by and you’re hit with just how far below the surface you are.

Dizziness pounds through your skull and you hurl out more water all over your hands.

Disgusting.

“Are you guys alright?”

You lift your head at the sound of Junmyeon’s voice and feel your remaining strength seeping from your bones. He looks between you and Baekhyun’s pathetic forms with distressed eyes.

Baekhyun looks up from between his legs with an incredulous open-mouthed frown. He looks your first mate from his toes to his head. “How the hell are you dry?”

It’s then that you notice he looks remarkably put together. As if he never even experienced the sensation of being pulled straight towards hell through water. The patterns on his skin have dulled down to a pale blue, but they are still there as clear as day.

“An Atlantian thing,” Junmyeon answers with a shrug and a smile. He reaches out a hand to help you to your feet but you wave him away with a shake of your head.

“No, give me a second. I just- I need,” you point to the hole above, “This is just-” you close your eyes and wave him away weakly. “Fuck, I need some time.”

He laughs lightly and chooses to help Baekhyun up while you gather your wits. This is overwhelming. “Did you just materialize down here what the fuck?”

“No, I came down in a bubble.”

“A…bubble.”

“Yeah you know one of those things filled with air-”

“You couldn’t lend us one of those bubbles?!”

“I didn’t know how. I don’t even know how I got it around me. Must be an Atlantian-”

“If you say ‘Atlantian thing’ one more time I will, and I swear to Poseidon, strangle you with my bare hands right here.”

“…Atlantian thing,” Junmyeon finishes cheekily. Baekhyun groans loudly and you can hear the weak thumps of him trying to smack your first mate and being deflected.

You struggle onto your feet as Junmyeon and Baekhyun argue. Typical back and forth between the two of them, you know Baekhyun is all talk when it comes to most people; he won’t hurt Junmyeon.

Letting your eyes fully wander the cave, you take in the shiny crystals in the rock around you and the way everything glows a tranquil light blue.

You hear the thundering footsteps before you see the people coming charging towards you out of the alcove hidden from your view.

“INTRUDERS, DROP TO THE GROUND NOW!”

“We just got up,” Baekhyun whines at your side. You lower your still shaking body back down to your knees and hold your hands up in the air to show your willingness to cooperate. In the corner of your eye you catch Junmyeon landing a swift kick to the back of Baekhyun’s legs with his good leg and sending him to the ground with a painful crash.

You flinch at the noise and the people in matching outfits in front of you hold out their swords, ready to strike at any moment. Once Junmyeon has lowered himself to his knees, the group of people break apart to make way for who you assume must be the leader. If the aura of dominance and the extra sparking pink embellishments on their otherwise plain white uniform is anything to go by.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” The man asks gruffly. He’s tall, handsome, big eyes rimmed in dark black kohl. His analyzing brown eyes drag from you, to Baekhyun, and finally land on Junmyeon. You catch the exact moment that recognition crosses his face.

His eyes widen and he blinks rapidly in disbelief, the sword in his hand clatters to the ground and resounds through the cave. “S-Suho? Prince Suho is that you?”

You turn to look at Junmyeon who has locked eyes with the leader with a look of confusion on his face.

“Do they know each other?” Baekhyun whispers to you.

“Shut up,” you hiss.

Junmyeon gasps and climbs to his feet. “Minho? Minho! I can’t believe it,” he says elatedly. The two of them run (Junmyeon more hobbling than running with the shitty cast still on his leg) into each other’s arms to embrace and you watch with a kind of fond sadness as they grip one another as if the other will vanish into thin air.

The other guards slowly lower their swords and break out into disbelieving whispers. Baekhyun grabs your left hand and lowers it to your lap. “I think you can lower your hands now prisoner. I don’t think they’re going to kill us yet.”

“It’s as if nothing in this world is enough to keep you from annoying the absolute hell out of me,” you grumble.

He beams, a wide and happy smile. “It’s my charm.”

You snort out a laugh while he stands up on both feet and holds out a hand for you to take to get up. You slap your hand in his and let him heft you to your feet.

Junmyeon calls out your name and you whip in his direction in alarm. He drags over the leader of the guard with a hand on his bicep and matching grins on their faces. “I want you to meet my childhood friend Minho!” He looks up at Minho with eyes beaming with happiness. “We grew up together, and Minho here is the Captain of the entire Atlantian military.”

Minho looks down at the ground bashfully.

“It is an honor to meet you. Junmyeon says that he wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I, as well as all of our people owe you our highest form of gratitude,” Minho says with a deep bow.

You blink at the gesture, stupefied into immobility. Junmyeon gives you a pointed look and a subtle bow of his own to hint that you should bow back. You quickly bend at the waist and rise up. “It’s- Uhm, thank you. It wasn’t just me though, there are lots of people to thank for his return up on the surface,” you say with a nervous smile.

Minho laughs. “I’m sure. You can all amaze us with tales of your time above at breakfast in a few hours. I’m sure you would all like a moment to settle and…” he looks at Baekhyun and your soaked clothing. “…clean yourselves up.”

The two of you frown indignantly.

As if you planned on showing up soaking wet.

Minho whistles loudly and a smaller man comes scrambling out of the group of guards. “Hendery, show our two outsiders where they can rest. I will take the prince directly to the Queen.”

The smaller man nods vigorously. “Yes sir. I would like to have Xiaojun assist me, if I can.”

“Take who you need,” Minho gives you both another once over before leaning down to whisper, “Make sure there is plenty of soap in their bathrooms.”

You squawk in embarrassment. Junmyeon offers an apologetic smile before coming to place both of his hands on your shoulders and lowering his voice to talk to you and Baekhyun as privately as he can. “Just follow them and relax. I will come find you once I am finished talking to the Queen. They won’t do anything to hurt either of you.” He squeezes your shoulder. “I’ll make sure of it.”

You nod in affirmation. Baekhyun grunts at your side.

Hendery and another young guard lead you away and out of the cave. You are only allowed one final look over your shoulder before Junmyeon vanishes from your sight.

The bleakness of the cave gives way to a wide low hallway covered from top to bottom in blue crystals, or maybe it’s glass.

“You’re awfully quiet,” you murmur to the man at your side. Neither of the guards bother to turn around at the sound of your voice.

“I’m trying to take it all in. This is insane I never thought I would ever actually see this place,” Baekhyun whispers back. You’re shocked by the genuine way he explains himself. “Why? Do you already miss the sound of my voice? I can keep talking if you want.”

“I’ll pass. I already miss the silence.”

His giggle resonates against the walls. You bite down on your lip to keep from smiling in return.

Your group reaches the end of the tunnel and the guards suddenly stop. Hendery turns around first. “Because we are unable to trust you we will have to transport you while keeping our city and location a secret.”

“Huh?”

“I think we’re going to get blindfolded,” Baekhyun whispers to you.

The other guard reaches into his coat and produces two pieces of cloth while Hendery slams a fist on the wall. A hole opens up where seamless wall once stood. You watch dumbly as the other guard, Xiao…Xiao something sits in the human-sized hole and then lies on his back before disappearing through a tube.

What the fuck is this place?

You’re blindfolded first and led to the hole. “Sit.” So you do. What kind of transport requires you to sit in a hole blind? You’ve lived a couple of years now and that's long enough to know that this doesn’t feel quite safe.

Before you can argue your way out of it, you’re pushed and then careening through space. With your eyes covered and the jolt of bewilderment at sliding too fast to be humanly possible you don’t have any choice but to let out a scream.

You’re on your feet again before you know it –albeit dizzy and shaking. The blindfold is removed and you’re met with the impassive face of the guard. You look around yourself to figure out what in the deep sea hell you just slid through.

“You might want to get out right about now,” he suggests.

You hear the telltale sound of Baekhyun’s yelling and cursing getting closer by the second, so you hobble out of the exit compartment and watch in wonder as the top of the compartment opens up and air blasts from the bottom to decrease the force of gravity as Baekhyun drops to his feet.

He’s shaking like a log and his wet hair and clothes are even more disheveled than they were before.

Maybe it’s the overload of being exposed to all the new technology and scenery, but you can’t stop yourself from loudly laughing at his appearance.

Xiaoxi…Xiaode…Xiaojun, that sounds right-

Xiaojun walks forward with a smile twitching on his lips to remove the blindfold from the once one-eyed troublemaker. But, Baekhyun has his eyes squeezed closed, refusing to open them. You take it upon yourself to physically pull him out of his spot.

“It’s over, you’re on solid ground now,” you tease. He peaks open one eye and it darts around distrustfully before he opens them both and leans forward with his hands on his knees to let out a dramatic exhale of breath. Another humored giggle escapes you. “You look like shit and the way you screamed-.”

He stands up straight with reddened cheeks. “Never speak of it,” he threatens in a low voice. You roll your eyes and lift a hand to fix his messy hair. You hear the hiss of air from the tube, knowing that Hendery will be arriving soon, but you busy yourself with smoothing down the unruly strands.

The red darkens on his face as you rake your fingers through the hair at his fringe. You aren’t sure what compels you to initiate the act, but he doesn’t stop you so selfishly you continue to take what you can. Satisfied with your work you smile shyly and turn away to hide your face and the heat you can feel creeping up your neck.

A cough snaps you back into attention.

Right, the guards.

Hendery has a creepily knowing smirk on his face while Xiaojun covers his mouth with his hand, but you can see mirth shining in his eyes.

Baekhyun clears his throat and crosses his arms over his chest. “So…where are we supposed to rest exactly? Or are we supposed to wander around and find it ourselves?”

Hendery motions to the right. “Down this hallway.” He nudges Xiaojun and they both walk forward. You resist the urge to smash your head into the wall as you follow behind. Into one of the…beautiful smooth white walls. For the first time you take in the interior of the building where you have ended up.

High ceilings and pillars. Enormous windows that go from ceiling to floor to show an expansive view of what awaits outside.

You’ve had plenty of time to image what Atlantis would look like, but seeing it in front of you now, bathed in a light like that of early dawn, with the reflection of water moving over the architecture…it’s too unreal, too magical to put into words.

“Keep up. You’ll be able to see the city after breakfast with the Queen,” Xiaojun advises. Both you and Baekhyun pick your pace back up after having fallen behind trying to take in all that around you.

Attempting to keep your gawking to a minimum you keep your eyes ahead and try to quickly take in as much as you can.

“We’re here,” Hendery says. You almost tumble into his side when he suddenly stops; and Baekhyun trips over his own feet at your side. “These will be your rooms. There will be drinking water and a bathroom for you to clean up. We have already notified the castle staff of your arrival and there will be clothes delivered to you for you to change into for the meal.

“Breakfast will be served in 3 hours. One of the castle butlers will come for you to show you to the dining area at that time. Until then we advise you entertain yourself inside of the room.” The door is opened and a grand suite awaits you. Your mouth drops at the extravagance of it.

A large bed rests at the very center of the room, draped in iridescent white curtains that look as creamy as milk. The floor is covered in cold white marble and speckled with shells and pearls embedded into it. A large couch is perched near the entrance, a lit fire in front of it keeping the room comfortably warm. A book shelf stretches across a third of the room only stopping at a golden archway that you assume leads into the bathroom. The room is decorated in soft golds, creamy whites and pale blues. You catch little accents of pink in the wall paint and on the couch pillows.

The dome-like shape of the room makes you feel like you’re in a bubble.

“What is with you guys and bubbles?” You grumble to yourself.

Xiaojun shrugs. “It’s an Atlantian thing,” he says simply.

You close your eyes in frustration while Baekhyun grumbles at your side.

“So whose room is this?” Baekhyun asks once he’s done cursing Atlantis and its obsession with bubbles. Hendery and Xiaojun share a look and you catch the sneakiness on their expressions.

Hendery is the one who decides to answer, cheerily as if he isn’t intentionally planning to ruin your time here in Atlantis. “Both of yours.”

“I’m sorry what did you just say?”

“This room is for the both of you.” Hendery casts Baekhyun a wide smile. “You’ll have to share because…uhm..”

“Because we’re low on rooms,” Xiaojun chimes in.

“Yes! Low on rooms,” Hendery agrees quickly, conspicuously. You narrow your eyes. “You see we have a lot of guests recently because of a…” he looks to Xiaojun for help.

“For a uh, for a wedding!”

“Who is getting married?” Baekhyun asks, just to catch them in their lie.

“One of the princes! Ah we must be returning to our Captain now. Rest well!” Hendery says quickly before he and Xiaojun rush away with their hands over their mouths, giggling like school children. You’re adults, you can share a room. You won’t let the giggling of the younger boys worsen the pounding in your chest.

You exhale and shake your head. “Come on.” You enter the room first and immediately feel relaxed by the colors, the roundedness, and general softness of everything around you.

The fire feels like it’s calling your name so you wander over to warm yourself up by its flames. Your wet clothes are beginning to feel bothersome again now that the excitement of being in Atlantis and being alive have begun to fade.

The sound of something sopping wet hitting the ground heavily pulls your attention from the flickering flames. When you turn around you don’t expect to see your roommate getting ass naked…

But alas that is what your eyes land on. His shoes and shirt are already in a wet pile by his feet.

“Baekhyun,” you admonish. He stops with his pants halfway down his legs. You look at his soft naked dick only momentarily before you raise your eyes back to his anticipatory face. “Really?”

“I’m cold and wet. I need a shower do you want me to get sick?”

“You couldn’t even wait to go change in the bathroom?”

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before,” he responds before shucking the last of his clothing and standing in the middle of the room proudly.

In all his naked glory.

You can’t help but feel a bit put off by the fact that he doesn’t have any issue getting naked around you. He’s not even hard. It’s like your presence doesn’t affect him in the slightest.

Bitterly you wonder if you’d been Jongin would he have a different reaction in this situation. You stand up abruptly. Fuck Baekhyun.

Pettily you strip out of your clothes as you walk towards the bathroom, leaving the wet articles in your wake. “I’m cleaning myself first,” you state coldly as you all but rip the last of your clothing off at the archway of the bathroom.

You don’t turn around and you don’t bother to investigate why he seems stunned to his spot or why he averts his eyes as you walk by.

~~~

The bathroom is just as opulent as the main room. A creamy white with pretty pale pinks streaked through the marble and coloring the crystals that illuminate the room in a soft pinkish glow.

A tub the size of a small pool is carved into the corner of the room. Oils and scented salts in jars cover the expansive shelf built into the wall at its side. A wide mirror stretches across the room with a spout and basin to wash your hands in front of it. A varied range of brushes and facial oils and paints are neatly organized across the counter, settled in front of a thick patterned chaise. You find candles nestled snuggly beneath a shelf of towels and unused sponges on ropes.

Looking at your appearance in the mirror, your hold in the need to physically recoil. You skin looks blanched from the overexposure to water, and the hair on your head is knotted beyond belief. Not wanting to look at your naked form for too long you twist the knob at the tub to release a steady flow of lukewarm water. You toss in some oil that smells good and a soap that catches your attention. The bottle is make of glass and has writing that you can’t read as it must be in Atlantian, but it smells and looks good and bubbles up when it comes in contact with the running water.

Grabbing a comb from the counter of goodies and the specialized hair soap left at the side of the tub, you decide to make an event out of pulling your appearance back together. You will be meeting the Queen in a few hours.

Gingerly, you lower yourself into the water and shove your head under the spout before lathering it in hair soap and detangling the strands on your hand. Rinsing out the suds and then turning off the water, you allow yourself to be semi submerged in the water.

“Yah, you can’t steal the bath and then spend an hour using it. I could have been in and out already.” You crane your neck to find Baekhyun’s complaining form leaning against the archway.

“You weren’t fast enough. Not my problem. You can wait.”

“No I can’t.”

“You can, and you will. I’m not fucking moving.”

In the month you have spent time more intimately with Baekhyun aboard your ship as a fellow crewman, you’ve learned one thing about him that you didn’t know before. He can be astoundingly petty.

His intelligence, his wit, his strength and skill as a pirate, his ability to charm and talk his way out of anything –you knew of it all before. But this petty level of childishness is new.

That being said, you aren’t surprised to find him padding over and then climbing into the large tub across from you. He settles and then his bottom lip juts out.

“Happy now?”

“No.”

You snort loudly and his pout breaks off into something like a smile. You push a handful of water in his direction, not enough to do much and not with enough strength to even be called a splash.

The little shithead he is takes your push of water as permission to send a small tidal wave in your direction, splashing you directly in your face.

You splutter and wipe the water from your eyes while he laughs his loudest most punctuated laugh at your expense. When you squint at him through the water still in your eyes you see pure relaxed happiness in his features, and you can’t find it in you to even attempt to be mad.

This Baekhyun is the real one. The one he covers up with cocky smiles and biting words. The one he leaves locked away and protected from the heartlessness that is required of your jobs.

Happy Baekhyun is a vulnerable Baekhyun. A soft version of him that makes your heart hammer in your chest and sparks a juvenile desire to keep him at your side safe from anyone who dares try and take that side of him away.

His laughing calms to muffled chuckles hidden behind his hand. “Okay, now I’m happy.”

“That makes one of us,” you scoff out. The water begins to agitate your eyes so you run the water from the spout to flush out the fragrance laced liquid. Blindly you reach out for the stream only to continuously miss.

“Come here,” you hear at your side. “Here, lean back.” You’re moved to the side and you lean backwards only to come in contact with his chest. You tense before giving in and letting yourself relax against him. You feel his muscles shifting as he reaches around you to cup water and pour it over your eyes. You blink away the water and scrunch up your face in discomfort. “I’m not done, try and keep your eyes open this time,” he says gently.

You reach up and hold open each eyelid as he cups the water and lets it flush out the soap. Finally you can blink without agitation. You contemplate thanking him, but decide to do it once you’re safely on your side of the bath. As you’re making your escape, arms wrap around you and pull you back securely down between strong thighs and against a warm chest.

“Can you…uh can you let me go?”

“Nuh uh,” he grunts with a head shake.

You look down at where his arms are crossed over your chest and swallow thickly. He perches his chin on your shoulder and takes in a deep relaxed breath. You feel stiff as a board. “This is nice,” he sighs out.

This is too intimate. This is too intimate. This is too intimate.

“How long have you been in love with Jongin, Baekhyun?” you ask in a rush of breath. His grip on you loosens to nothing and you pull yourself away from him, crossing your arms over your chest to hide the hardening of your nipples. From the cold of the air and the all too close embrace you’d found yourself enjoying just a tad too much.

He splutters. “I- wh-” he starts to cough violently. You feel your heart sinking with each noise he makes. “I don’t- I’m not in love with Jongin!”

You let your silence and your frown portray your disbelief.

“I’m serious. I’m not in love with Jongin he’s like my younger brother, what would make you think that?!” He fake gags. “Oh gross, just the thought-” he covers his mouth to fake gag again.

You gawk at him. Is he overcompensating to hide the truth?

“What in Poseidon’s name would lead you to believe that I’m in love with Jongin? I nearly raised the kid.”

You feel embarrassment creeping up your neck like snakes. “You- the…Minseok said…”

“Minseok said I was in love with Jongin?!”

“No! Wait let me-” you smack a hand to your forehead. “Minseok said that you took the compass with you when you came to find the three of us and I guess I just I don’t fucking know assumed you had to want to find your crew most in the world and then I figured you were actually in love with one of them and Jongin seemed like the most likely of him and Chanyeol because Chanyeol doesn’t really seem like your type but I guess it could also be him since he’s kind of goofy and airhead at times too-”

His hands come out of the water to cup your cheeks and then –lips.

“Stop talking,” he says softly. Another quick press of his lips against yours. “You’re wrong and you’re stupid and you need to stop thinking before you overload your dumb little brain.”

“Hey-”

“Ah ah. What did I say?”

You purse your lips and let him squish your cheeks closer together until your lips are puckered ridiculously. The look in his eyes is fond almost, the smile on his lips and the shine in his eyes soft as he squishes and unsquishes your face.

You bat away his hands. “You still didn’t answer my question,” you whine despite yourself.

“Aw the baby getting upset?” he makes a face of exaggeratedly fake concern. “Come here, sit on daddy’s lap and I’ll make you feel all better.”

“Baek that was gross.”

“The invitation still stands.” He waggles his eyebrows and shimmies his shoulders. When his gaze drops down to your uncovered chest and a bit of the playfulness gets swallowed up by want, you feel a bit of that desire rushing through your veins again.

He isn’t in love with Jongin?

That only leaves more unanswered questions, but you let them go easily at the sight of Baekhyun reclining lazily against the side of the tub, rubbing up and down his thighs slowly and watching you with predatory closeness.

He is so sexy, you are so fucked.

Squashing the tiny feeling of shame, you crawl over and wrap yourself around him. You can feel him rising in excitement from beneath you. You let your arms rest lazily around his shoulders while he busies his hands with massaging circles on your hips.

“That feels nice,” you whisper in a puff of breath. You know that he can see how affected you are –can feel it in your impatient squirms against him as you attempt to subtly relieve the ache growing inside of you. He hums in agreement and focuses his eyes on your mouth.

You can take a hint when it’s staring you in the face like this. You lean forward and connect your lips softly. A peck. Another one. A kiss on the corner of his mouth. A kiss on the tip of his nose. Another on his smiling lips.

When you pull back there’s emotion swimming in his irises that sparks a heat in your core. You nip at his bottom lip.

A lick, a nibble, a juvenile laugh against pressed lips.

He sticks his tongue out through pursed lips, waiting for you to try and kiss him with his ridiculous expression. You pull away to grimace, only to laugh and lick a messy wet stripe from his upper lip to the tip of his nose.

“You’re a dick,” he laughs, wiping your saliva off his nose.

“And you’re a bastard,” you respond easily. You look at your deeply pruning skin with disdain. “We should dry off.”

“But I like it here in the tub; I haven’t even scrubbed the dirt off.”

“We can clean ourselves properly after I get your cock inside me.” You feel him twitch from beneath you. You cock your head to the side teasingly. “Oh, now you’re ready to get out?”

He scrambles from under you and over the edge of the tub right to the towels. You roll your eyes playfully and climb out just as he plops a towel on your head and quickly tries to dry your hair, only messing it up further.

“Hurry up. We’ll get sick if we stay like this for too long. We need to go to the bed and warm up, I can already feel a cold coming on.”

#exo #exo fanfiction #exo story #exo stories #exo imagine #exo pirate story #exo fanfic #exo pirate au #baekhyun #baekhyun imagine #baekhyun story #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun pirate au

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rynhaswritersblock · 4 years

Text

i want it, i got it | p.p.

a/n: okay this writing in this is meh IM SORRY i think my brain is fried since i've been working on my independent book a lot 🥵

summary: newfound confidence during karaoke night certainly can end up in peter parker making bold moves

warnings: uhhhhhhh idk sam and bucky are at it again with the teasing??

+ + +

"no, absolutely not," you say, shaking your head. natasha wiggles her eyebrows at you and you huff.

tonight had started as just another one of the galas that tony hosted, adults and liquor everywhere. and then he got on the stage and there was a stage? what is he doing?

before you knew it, the gala turned into a karaoke party. adults you'd either never seen or had seen take down hydra were belting their hearts out. steve and bucky sang "the time of my life" and attempted the lift from dirty dancing, tony and rhodey yelled an obnoxious cover of "back in black," and peter and bucky did a rendition of "you're the one that i want," which had you falling out of your seat in laughter as they ungracefully attempted to twirl around each other.

when peter got back, he was breathing heavy and sweating, wrapping a smelly arm around you to which you couldn't even shrug off because you had yet to catch your breath. he looked at you like you were everything in the world.

and now he's yelling at you to go onstage and sing "7 rings" with natasha.

of course you knew the song. it was all over the radio and you'd even caught scott and thor having a dance-off to it. you just weren't keen on karaoke. the thought of getting up there and having to figure out how to not look awkward while pulling off a very confident song seemed impossible, especially since you'd never done karaoke in your life.

"please, y/n," peter pouts. the puppy eyes he gives you almost make you angry; he's practically manipulating you at this point. "just do it, it'll be fun!"

you sigh. "fine."

the crowd around you cheers and you immediately regret your decisions as you stand, nat grabbing your hand and excitedly dragging you towards the stage. happy hands you your mics with an excited smile and you seriously contemplate punching him.

when you see the crowd you almost walk away right then and there. but then the music starts and peter is smiling so brightly that all of a sudden you're singing, and nat is behind you hyping you up.

"breakfast at tiffany's and bottles of bubbles girls with tattoos who like getting in trouble lashes and diamonds, atm machines buy myself all of my favorite things"

tony whoops so loudly that you almost drop the mic (pun intended), but peter's cheering the loudest. when he's not clapping or yelling he's staring at you like you own the world. you make a mental note to run to the kitchen and stick your face in the refrigerator after this, you're sweating and blushing so hard.

natasha begins singing her part and you pull your gaze away from peter to hype her up. before you know it, you're actually getting into the song, figuring what's the worst that could happen?

"been through some bad shit, i should be a sad bitch who woulda thought it'd turn me to a savage? rather be tied up with calls and not strings write my own checks like i write what i sing, yeah"

you channel your inner ariana grande and flip your hair, fist-bumping nat before beginning the chorus.

"my wrist, stop watchin', my neck is flossy make big deposits, my gloss is poppin' you like my hair? gee, thanks, just bought it i see it, i like it, i want it, i got it"

at the last lyric you wink at peter. the way his eyes widen and sam and bucky nudge him suggestively makes your confidence falter for a minute before you get distracted, natasha going off way harder than you expected on the rest of the chorus. you laugh and clap, swaying along to the beat.

peter watches in a trance, body getting abnormally hot.

"oh, she totally just winked at you," sam smirks, bumping his knee against peter's. peter gulps.

"she likes you, kid," bucky says, then mumbles, "if you somehow managed to not pick it up before."

peter feels overwhelmed with an emotion he can't describe. his eyes dart nervously between his teammates, all of their faces looking far too suggestive. he sucks in a breath before standing up and walking towards the stage.

and then a pair of familiar hands twist you around and cup your face, pulling your lips to theirs. you freeze before inhaling, peter's cologne overflowing your sense and holy wow it's happening.

peter pulls away all too soon, his hands still cradling your face and your hands frozen midair. natasha stops singing and you don't even have to look to know that the whole crowd is staring at you. the music continues playing in the background as you crack a nervous smile.

"how did you get up here so fast?" you ask breathlessly.

"i don't know," peter smiles sheepishly, hands falling from your face. "the wink made me a little gutsy, i think... plus bucky wouldn't shut up about telling me to go kiss you."

you don't get the chance to react before a yell erupts from the crowd.

"DO IT AGAIN!" tony shouts, hands cupped around his mouth. a few whoops sound out and you laugh, resting your forehead against peter's before softly connecting your lips, his hands wrapping around your waist to pull you closer as you wrap your arms around his neck.

a giggle bubbles out of you and you pull apart, smiling like fools.

"okay, this is the last part and i'd really like to finish this, so..." natasha mumbles into the mic. you laugh and hold up your mic, looking over at peter. before you know it, he snatches it from your hands and begins belting it out with nat.

"i want it, i got it, i want it, i got it i want it, i got it, i want it, i got it you like my hair? gee, thanks, just bought it i see it, i like it, i want it, i got it"

and after seeing peter pretend to flip his hair, it was very difficult for you not to pee yourself out of laughter that night.

+ + +

that last sentence I Don't Think I Worded That How I Wanted To but it fine =D

ALSO Z GOT AN EMMY NOMINATION AS SHE SHOULD AND I STARTED CRYING IM SO PROUD OF HER AND LITERALLY HAVE LOVED HER SINCE DISNEY CHANEL AND SHE DESERVES IT SO SO MUCH I JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#peter parker #tom holland #peter parker imagines #marvel #mcu #spiderman #peter parker x reader #spiderman x reader #fanfic #fluff #writing #peter #parker #thomas holland

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corvidcentral · 4 years

Text

aight time to spit some facts

continuing off of this post imma give somethings that help me as a nuerodivergent person as well as info about me as that person, along with facts for nuerotypical people so they are more educated!!

first off, stimming and autism

stimming is a repeated action that usually happens when people with autism - as well as certain disorders realting to autism. not every disorder associated with autism involves stimming, so be careful about that - experience high emotions. most common is happiness, though other people can experience stims that happen when theyŕe angry, sad, or bored, among other things.

my stims

✨ happy ✨

hand waving. probably the most common stim out there, or the one most people associate with autism.

face scrunching. this is when im trying to be discrete or calm, like lying in bed or when im out in public.

holding my hands up to my face. usually when im overwhelmed by such happiness i do this one. when i see something cute i usually do this one.

✨ angry ✨

something similar to a bunny thumping. i basically throw my arms down and stomp my foot. while i dont do this one very often, i do it sometimes, and it can happen while im sitting or standing

autism is also shown through a difficulty communicating and connecting with real people. im usually silent when im near my friends, perferring to listen rather than talk

ADHD and ADD

oooooooo, boy. im sure you all know the basis of adhd: hyperactivity, right?

wrong

adhd is more than being hyperactive. in fact, being hyper is more commonly diagnosed in males, while inattention is often diagnosed in females.

not all of these things relate to adhd, but these are things that are common sympotoms!

✨ rejection sensitive dysphoria ✨

ever feel like no one likes you if they tell you they have something else to do? thats rejection sensitive dysphoria (rsd) for ya!

people with adhd experience this all the time, and this contributes to clinginess and questions if they did something wrong, just so they can fix “what they did wrong” it also affects relationships, where people with rsd may try to find more friends or remain on their own for fear of being rejected.

✨ insomnia or sleep problems ✨

can’t fall asleep? sucks to be you i guess

no seriously tho, the ability to fall asleep is very affected by people with adhd.

the main thing is that you cant shut your fucking brain off and its really annoying.

one way i found to combat this is to count to 60 in my mind over and over again!! you start skipping numbers?

good!!!

let that bitch skip numbers!! that means youre falling asleep! dont try and correct yourself or else ill kick your ass

✨ lack of attention ✨

cant focus or have trouble doing simple things? it sucks, a lot, i know, but its easy to fix!

find a spot you are comfy in! better to focus!

listen to music! a lot of people with adhd say that music without lyrics is best because they cant sing the lyrics in their head, but i find vocaloids, new songs, and japanese songs to be the best, because i dont know the lyrics, so i just vibe to the music

try and wear heaphones. theyll block out outside noise and keep you focused

^^^ going off of this: try and find a quiet spot to do work. the less distractions the better chance you have of focusing!

set timers for yourself. while it didnt work for me i was waiting for the timer to ring it may work for you! i suggest 15 min for work, 5-10 min for breaks!

for now, this is it, but im gonna put more stuff soon!

#adhd #add #autism #stimming #stim #i need a tag for these types of thingsssssss #ugh #pinecone talks about stuff #there #pinecone talks about autism #pinecone talks about adhd

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emiisanxious · 4 years

Text

Rainy Day

Archive of Our Own Link

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: Gen

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Additional Tags:

Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders

Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders

Rain

a LOT of rain

Light Angst

Swearing

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric

Summary: “On a storm day, Virgil was feeling so good that he decided to go for a walk, of course, he didn't say anything to anyone, since he wasn't expecting to be a problem.

Or: Virgil spaces outs, goes for a walk, Roman, Logan, and Patton get sick worried because they can't find him. Remus doesn't care as far he is back, and Janus just wants him to come back or use a dammit umbrella.”

Note: On a rainy day I had this idea, and won't leave me out so... I thought why not? Although this fic isn't perfect in my eyes, it does have a big warm spot in my heart. It can be a messy and unclear text in some parts, but... It truly was warm for me... Really I liked to type this one.

He could hear, other than his music blasting through his headphones, the sound of cars passing in water puddles, the water descending by a pipe, he could hear the small droplets against his window, the wind making the window cause noises because of the speed. Weird enough those were calming sounds.

Obviously, he didn't like the thunder when he wasn't looking, but he could appreciate it if he is sitting at the window looking at the rain. After all, the light of thunder is quicker than the sound, so he won't feel scared when he is watching. A calming feeling, a sense of cold but not the bad one, he could just stay under his blankets hearing those sounds and... Appreciate it.

As he put down his phone and headphone on his bed table. Curling in a small ball under the pile of blankets, maybe he should just go outside? Cold weather isn't something he often can appreciate, and it would be nicer to have rain falling over his body. A small smile, as he got up from his bed; the others were all busy so it's not they would miss him right now. He just needs to make sure to be back before dinner is ready, right?

With that in mind, he put on his boots, skinny distressed jeans, his old black and grey jacket mostly because he didn't want to attract attention, but at the same time, he does worry about the weather damaging his purple patched one. Pulling up his hoodie, he got his phone and went outside. Because of the rain, no one would notice him walking around, heck! If they didn't recognize Remy, why should he care about him?!

The feel of the droplets touching his face, the droplets slowly wetting his clothes, he didn't mind it. He was happy with the overwhelming feeling of the calm and solitude that the rains bring him. The slowly building up weigh as his clothes start to get wet. Looking at the gray sky, the street lights turned on a bit more early so it wouldn't be dark.

Like anytime that it's raining, Virgil felt so... Good. His thoughts for once far back in his mind, nothing to worry about, nothing to be cautious about. He knows that it's his work been anxious about everything, self-aware of everything but... Once in a while... It was good to feel the opposite.

Sadly, his thoughts were back to reality as he picks up his phone. It was vibrating a few minutes ago, but now it was getting more insistent. Insistent from Janus and the same type of messages.

Deceit: Virgil. GET. OUT. OF. THE. RAIN!

"Fuck" He murmured before laughing, he found it funny, how now that Deceit was better accepted between the traits, he was back in mamma mod with him.

Daddy: Virge, I tried to knock on your door? Are you okay? Daddy: Virge, please answer me! Daddy: Oh... You're not in your room... Daddy: Sorry for getting inside your room without consent. Daddy: Wait... Daddy: WHERE ARE YOU?! Daddy: ARE YOU OKAY?! Daddy: VIRGIL WHERE ARE YOU?!

"Why he needed me?" He thought as he sighed at that as he looked at the rest of the messages, it seems he was wrong when he thought that he would just be called at dinner.

Logic: Patton is really worried about you. Where are you? He is yelling and asking everyone. Can you answer me at least? Prince: Hey hot topic, where are you? Padre is yelling and is freaking out... Prince: That is it! We are going to ask De--- Janus. Rat: You know, mama is really worried, can you get out of the fucking rain?! Also, the light trio is here asking where the fucking you're. Dee is lying, although I don't understand why. Rat: Can you just get the fuck back home bitch?

"Thaaaaaaaaaaat is weird." He thought again as he looks at the sky, it has been a lovely walk around, he was feeling a bit cold from his wet clothes, but he didn't mind, not at all. Closing his eyes as he let the rain pour over him before his anxiety kicked in and wash over that feeling of calm he opened his eyes to send a message again.

Emo: hey rat, can you tell Jan that I will be back in like... 1 hour or so? Rat: WHAT?! NO! Those three are annoying as hell right now! Emo: well... can't care less. im okay. just tell them im okay Rat: They don't believe it. Emo: sucks for them and you. ill be back in 1 hour or so. Emo: oh, says that im fine and when im back i will explain Rat: Uuuuuuurgh... Fine! Only because it's been years since you were this careless. Don't make it a habit! Emo: okay Rat: Enjoy.

With that, he pockets his phone again, starting to walking aimlessly around the street, it's been so long since the last rain, sure it does rain sometimes, but it does need specific things happening to mess with him like that.

Mess up his senses and mind, although he felt angst, sad and even depressed, it did him feel calm, relief and hopeful, he wasn't sure about what or why, but he could care less about it. Also, that was something he doesn't understand, he could care less about everything in that mood.

Like whenever is raining, in that specific mood set, he felt free, free of his anxiety, free of whatever paranoia, free of his thoughts. Just the sound of the rain, the cars passing over the water puddles, the steps on the water, the droplets on the umbrella, the smell of rain. Three of his senses were all around the rain, but it was marvelous and messed up more with him, when his last two senses were as well, sights and hearing since it started thundering around.

He couldn't help, he felt relaxed and he wanted to enjoy it as much as possible, and like all the times that he was that messed up, we went to a park, sitting on a swing, he did lose the passage of time. Although his phone soon was going to start vibrating again.

Deceit: VIRGIL ANXIETY SANDERS! GET BACK TO HOME NOW!

He let out a long laugh, he was alone in the park so he didn't care about it, Janus was back in full mama mod, and honestly? He was going to get scolded a lot about it. But he couldn't seem to care right now.

Prince: Virge, padre is really worried. Can you return? Prince: Like, Remus told us you would be back in 1 hour or so, but it is already dinner. Emo: you can say to Patton, to join with Janus Prince: YOU'RE ALIVE! Prince: What that even mean? Emo sent a picture. Emo: dont tell Janus tho Prince: Okay... WOW! He is like padre! Emo: yeah... he is been sending messages since i left Prince: But really Virge. Come back. Emo: fine... im on my way back... Emo: the catch is... it will take more... 30 minutes or 1 hour Prince: WHAT?!?! Emo: im really... far away right now Prince: Just make your way back! Emo: okay okay... your brother is texting wait a minute

Rat: Mama is mad and angry and worried, you're fucked up if you get sick. Emo: say for him to join with Patton Rat: Oh yeah, that daddy is also worried sick, although less angry and mad. Emo: yeap. im on my home. 30 minutes or 1 hour Rat: Fuck! You got really far, huh? Emo: i would be even far if it wasn't Dee sending so many messages and calling me my full name Rat: Stormcloud, better you hurry up. I can hear Dee and Patton saying they are going to the real world to find you. Emo: okay okay... now NERD is texting... wait a minute

Logic: I presume that Roman, Remus, Janus, and Patton already did their worried text? Emo: yes...? Logic: So I should be more direct. Why are you out in the rain? Emo: rain numbs my anxiety... Logic: That... Doesn't make sense. Emo: no logic can explain it. Emo: just... it numbs, totally, i don't feel anxious, i don't feel bad, i don't care... i feel calm... Logic: Huh. That is curious. Emo: so... i just enjoy it... i thought that you guys won't call me till dinner. Logic: Well... You see Patton went to check on Thomas. And Thomas was really... Really... Calm. Patton panicked and thought you had ducked out, although it was weird because Thomas wasn't like with the symptoms of you disappearing. Logic: The reason for worry was because Thomas was lazy all the time today, to a point where Patton was checking for him to eat and things like that. So Patton called me, to figure out if something was wrong. We couldn't find why. So we tried to summon you but you didn't show up, we went to your room, but you weren't there and it just... Emo: you all jumped to a conclusion Emo: come on... a little faith?! Logic: I apologize. Emo: im on my way back, i will be in 30 minutes or 1 hour Logic: You were far away huh? Emo: yes, please when im back i want you all to be in the real-world okay? Emo: even Janus and Remus Logic: For what? Emo: because i want to discuss this "jumped conclusion" and explain a few things Logic: Sure. I will tell them. Emo: thanks, now im going back.

He took a deep breath, passing his hand over his face, he didn't wear makeup, since he knew it would be pointless, as he gets ups and returns to his home. In the middle of his walk, he got lost in thought and feelings again, to a point that when he got home he had glassy purple eyes, getting inside he could see the six already there, where he just looked to himself, he was wet and dripping from all his time on the rain.

He was also wearing his old jacket, something he didn't do since he was accepted, and that probably freaked out them more than anything as he looks at them. But that was enough to snap him back from his dazed mind.

"Thanks for been here." He said sarcastic, he changed his clothes with a snap, so it wasn't dripping or wet anymore, it was more like his normal clothes for now. His purple patched jacket, his sneakers instead of boots, and now he picked up things to do his make up, while he sat on the stairs as normal. "Let's get over it shall we?" He said while applying his makeup.

"Virgil, why..." Thomas tried to say something but he was lost.

He was totally back in been anxiety when he applied his makeup. "Why you're so calm?" A nod as he looks to his host. "I'm calm now. Normally when it rains my anxiety gets numb when things are like today, that is more a storm with thunder, wind, and the heavy rain I just get... More numb."

"That is true, but since normally doesn't rain that much it is rare for him to do that." Remus said as he looked at Janus who was storming.

"Told you for fucking sake at least use a dammit umbrella!" Janus was angry and mad. "Also you should get a warm bath, take some soup or drink something warm!"

"Why is Janus so...?" Thomas didn't know how to vocalize those thoughts as he looks to the yellow side.

"Janus was and is, the mother figure for most of The Others? Well not all of them, because a few are jerks, the ones who weren't, Dee was the mother. Like Patton is the Daddy for Roman and Logan" Virgil shrugged as he looked between Thomas and Deceit. "Relax, I will do it soon. Also, umbrellas take half of the purpose!"

"Please don't start arguing you both... Jan I know you're worried, but Vee doesn't give you a shit when it's storming. Vee, I know that okay? Just focus on explaining the things?" Remus put his hand between the two sides who were nearly starting to argue.

"Okay." "Fine." Both pouted but did stop as Logan and Patton were still impressed, not used to this new... Thing. Roman on the other hand was the first one to ask. "So... When it's raining your anxiety gets numbs, storms make you more numb if that is possible, and you just... Fall in a sense of calm?"

"Yeah, something like that... I just feel free and can't care about anything... I fell calm, extremely relaxed, and self-aware, but needed to say, Thomas can't have anything on the day that happens. After all, taking care of Thomas is a top priority and thus I won't be able to relax. On that note, since the day Logan calmed me and Thomas with those five sensory exercises, I realized, that in the rain it's like... A real version of that?" Virgil answered while looking at Logan.

"Oh... I guess since you're the mental representation of anxiety, you need something more grounding than just breathing exercises, or other ground exercises to fully calm down and relax. Like the full five senses working on something instead of just exercises. Oh... That is interesting." Logan was truly surprised about it.

"So... Why I never noticed it?" Thomas asked curiously as he looks around.

"Because... I'm normally back in a spawn of time, like 1 hour or 30 minutes. I don't always go that far, like today. But... Today my mind got really blank and numb, and I didn't notice my phone at all. That is why everyone texted me and was worried. Also, when I go for a walk, I normally end up noticing how long I'm out but today was... Off." He felt bad for worrying them but at the same time, he was feeling calm and relaxed, which was really weird for him. "What I'm mean is... I'm sorry for worrying you guys... I will not do that again..."

"No!" Patton surprised everyone when he exclaimed. "No! You don't need to stop doing it! If it's something that does you well then you shouldn't stop it! You were so happy and calm when you got here, that I was surprised. But I can see it does you very well."

"I have to agree. It's not something bad or some type of disease, it does seem that it's good for you to relax and for Thomas to have a nice and relaxed day to self-care. I can rearrange his schedule when it's raining so you both can enjoy it. I also, find it quite enjoyable to read while raining so it can be a day for all of us doing some relaxing. Instead of working." Logan was next in change that. "I apologize for us jumping in a conclusion."

"The reason for us been worried is just because we didn't understand what was happening or where you went. Now that we know, and the effects of it we can work with it. If you want, I can let you know whenever is raining in my side of imagination, so you can go there. Not sure if have the same effect, but we can work on something for at least have half of the effect?" Roman was really happy to know that something other than just breath and grounding exercises could help Virgil to feel calmer, so he was the first to jump thinking of ways to help.

Janus and Remus were quiet while looking at Virgil. "I'm sorry Virgil. I shouldn't let my job interfere and be so... Demanding with you. I knew you felt calm and good, but I really worry when you got outside without an umbrella, or just doesn't pick up messages. If you could just work on one of those?" Janus tried as he wasn't sure. "So at least I could worry a bit lest."

"Hm... Why don't Remus come out with me when it happens? He is someone you can rely on texting you back, he can also stalk me without triggering too much, and he sometimes even let me enjoy my solitude although most of the time he will talk a lot. It would be a win-win for everyone. Although I hate the idea of been stalked..." Anxiety let out a small sigh. "But I can't really do any of those Jan... The feeling of rain falling on me is what makes it special. And I get really distracted so I can't really answer a text."

Everyone fell in silence, they didn't know how to deal with that, but surprisingly it was Remus who spoke. "So, how about it, I don't need to stalk you or whatever. I can configure a GPS thing on your phone, you just click a button when you go out, and it will go to Dee and Patton, and they will know your location. And we will just need to rely on that. It's not too invasive, neither is repressing you or creeping you. I won't need to follow you and all."

"Oooh... That sounds like a nice idea." Thomas said while yawning. "Can I nap... The rain really is making me sleep..."

Virgil looked at them and they nodded. "I need to shower and put on some more... Comfortable clothes. So I will go." Without waiting he was back at commons, and soon he was heading to his room, soon he was in the shower, taking a lot of time on there. Even wishing he had a bathtub like Roman or Patton, but he didn't.

After half an hour he was back at the commons, now using pants and still on his hoodie, more relaxed and calm as he goes to the kitchen, finding Patton and Janus. "Kiddo!" As morality noticed him, he saluted with two fingers before sitting down. "Thought in eat and drink something before going back to bed."

"Good, I did some soup and Patton did the food, and we have hot choco. Is that good?" Deceit asked although he was already separating things for Virgil.

"It's fine. Again, sorry for worrying you, mama." As now Virgil wasn't around Remus and Roman he didn't mind in be a bit more... Open. "And daddy."

Both of them got surprised as he looked at Virgil, who was now fidgeting with his jacket's sleeves and looking down. "It's okay Kiddo. We understand and as we said, it isn't something bad." Patton was the first to answer as he heats the meal in the microwave.

"I thought... I would never hear you call me that again..." Janus was shocked as he looked at the anxious side. "But Patton is right, everything will be alright now and apologizes accepted."

"I told you... I was a jerk because I was scared... And I'm sorry about that, but... I'm trying okay? It's not perfect, I sure will close up if my anxiety gets worse but... I'm trying..." He trails off as he looks anywhere but for them.

"It's fine, we know that, I know that, and Remus, well he is just Remus so... I bet he is happy to have his brother back, just, please... Stop him, instead of helping him." Janus smiled as he teases.

"I can't promise anything... Some of Remus's ideas are too good to just... Stop him." He teased back but soon turned in a more serious. "Thank you, you two. I'm not sure what I would be if I didn't have both of you." He smiled softly at that.

"Well, we still have a lot to work on, arguments will happen but... this can be a good family. We will work together instead of separated." Patton smiled as he places the meal in front of Virgil.

"We are all trying Virgil, and that is what matters. Now eat. Before Remus and Roman find you and want to drag you." Janus pointed as he knows one of the twins, and sure enough that could happen.

"Just to ask... Why were you in your old jacket? That kinda bothered me, Logan and Roman..." Patton asked a bit embarrassed.

"Well... I don't like to wash this jacket too much, I get scared it will be torn out. Purple does get too much attention when you're walking around the city. And last old habits, it's just... Normal for me use that jacket when walking outside in the rain. I did that a lot when I was with The Others. So habits."

"Oh... That is not a problem, I can explain that to them later." Morality was thoughtful for a few minutes before he answered. "Oh, do you like the taste of the rain?"

"Yes. Although I don't walk with my mouth open to get it." Chuckles filled the kitchen as Virgil started to eat, the vague sound of rain, the vague sound of droplets on windows. The weather slowly clearing up, but he was still calm, relaxed, and comfortable. Maybe it does have other things that can calm him down like rain, he just needs to find out, although he has a small suspect that a warm meal done by his two "parents" was one small way of getting that feeling.

Maybe... If he can find more small ways of getting that feeling, he could feel like that more times, but for now? He would just enjoy this little warmth.

#Virgil Sanders #Roman Sanders #Remus Sanders #Logan Sanders #Patton Sanders #Janus Sanders #fanfic

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juliankinney · 5 years

Text

━━ ( alex fitzalan + cis male + twenty-two ) oi , have you seen julian kinney around ? he lives in flat 14 in bedroom 4 ? i was meant to meet them this morning at bean me up before our lecture but he didn’t show . no ? well , shit . if you do see them , can you tell them i’m looking for them ? they’re a 4th year computer science student from madrid , spain & you’ll know it’s them because they might just remind you of a stack of unread books , the sound of keyboard typing at three in the morning , coffee creamer in every flavor , & unprescribed pills if that helps at all . just be careful , he can be a little distant , critical , & compulsive sometimes . —- oh don’t look like that , they’re usually ingenious , reliable , & confident most of the time . ✏ y! , 22 , she/her , cst

alright whats up guys, as jd once said, greetings and salutations!! im y and this here is julian, who i’ve known for two hours but adore already anyway. i usually play dumbass boys and he’s no exception, but i like to think he might just be a little less dumb than the rest of them. so lets jump into it!!! ♡

for starters here is his messy pinterest board that i made.. like i said... it is a mess, and still a work in progress but y’all can have it anyway!! (fun fact: was gonna make him texan but pepper called him country boy and i was triggered!!!!!!!!!!)

backstory:

julian was the conception of two teenagers in love during the 90′s in spain; a local and a tourist. the pair were just seventeen when they became parents but it was a whole ordeal at the time because his father’s side of the family did not want anything to do with this impregnated nobody. it wasn’t his grandfather’s vision!!! his son was supposed to go into adulthood unscathed by his mistakes!!! as you can guess julian’s mom side of the family were your blue-collared society while his father’s side was more white-collared. at the time his mother was a student and helped her own mom with the family tailor shop while her father worked as a cook in a restaurant. on the other end of the spectrum, the kinney’s were in the film industry and of old money. needless to say, the two families had little in common.

the kinney’s tried to pay this girl off but her family was 100% not having it and after many arguments and empty threats they came to an agreement. said agreement was that julian would have his rightful surname and would stay in spain and the family would receive a weekly stipend for his expenses. in return no one would say a thing to the press— which, honestly was only ever a threat because the kinney’s wanted to pretend like nothing had happened.

and so julian grew up in madrid with a single mother and the help of his grandparents. as far as he knew his father had died shortly after he had been born and had been madly in love with his mother (that part was true). the only reason he didn’t share a name with the rest of his family was because the pair had never married, which, would have been the truth regardless. everything was fine; he grew up working at the family shop, attended school, skipped school, maintained amazing grades while simultaneously spending 1/3rd of the time in detention, lost his virginity to marisol cordova in her lilac colored room, etc. he had the most basic upbringing a kid could have.

then his father died. his real father. and suddenly, on paper, he was well off. it wasn’t easy for his mother to tell him the truth when his grandfather stepped foot into the one story home like he had seventeen years ago with that sour look on his face, but she was forced to. she had no other choice. devastated as she was (and she was truly heartbroken), she told him the story of how one day during the summer of 96′ she met james kinney, and how the next year he came back. then, his grandfather informed him of his father’s will and how he’d have access to his inheritance once he turned eighteen.

it was... a lot to process, and as julian does when he feels overwhelmed, he got angry. he was very upset with his mother and even more so with this old man he was meeting for the first time who kept calling him shit like ‘his only grandson’ and ‘a kinney by blood’. it was infuriating for julian, and his mother further telling him about their weekly allowance among other expenses over the years did not help. at all.

that is how julian found out his father was a successful actor turned director, generally known for an action packed franchise released in the 2000′s. it was mind boggling— he’d turn on the tv only to see a picture of his now dead father on screen, news coverage of the deadly car accident that occurred during en route to manchester on every channel. it just didn’t make any sense and was very hard to feel sad for. besides, his mother had enough sadness for the both of them. at his funeral, the two had to stay in the back while the family tried to come up with a game plan of how things were going to move forward; james’ widow was not happy to see her husbands former lover and child at the scene.

anyways in spite the fact that julian wanted nothing to do with the kinney’s, his grandfather had other plans. a vision of his own for the only grandchild his son had brought into the world, and that started with schooling. julian graduated and had no plans for college until his grandfather threatened to contest the will if he chose to stray from the path, and they needed the money; so college it was. a college of his grandfather’s choice of course, and what better place than somewhere closed off enough to distance julian from the outer world but elite in its own right?

his grandfather’s plan basically is to make him successful, and being that julian has no interest in their world, he’s had to compromise and just live with the fact that julian is just going to be your regular everyday man. he’s only really doing all of this because he feels guilt over the years but not guilty enough to tell the world that there’s an extra kinney lying around (last names are so common right!?!??!) . however, he still wants him to be in the family. as in everyone in the direct family knows of him and he gets to be involved in all family affairs, etc, but julian just does not give a fuck about them fksdhjfs specially because of how they fucked over his mom and how james’ widow is so fucking bitter about the will.

ANYWAYS he’s been at the school for four years now, gets his schooling paid by his grandfather but still has a job because pride or whatever, and will hack into your shit!

personality/hc’s

i love him, he’s sweet but also not annoyingly sweet. as in yeah he’s nice and polite but has no problem squaring up due to his short temper. kind of blunt sometimes though, and either is dumb or acts dumb if he says something that might hurt someones feelings. like oh.. sorry you feel that way ksjfsdkln

super smart???? has amazing grades and constantly does his work; knows how to multitask and balance his life out (for the most part... at least until he burns himself out). an intellectual™ . not an eboy but i guess u could say a little bit of a gamer,, has tik tok downloaded on his phone, the dad friend i guess

is either in one end of the spectrum or the other when it comes to socializing. most of the time though he finds it exhausting,, talking is hard but once he does start talking it’s like shut up dude no one cares about javascript

has a small pill problem,, he’s got to be successful somehow right !! also drinks lots of coffee and is a fan of coffee creamer, does not like the strawberry shortcake creamer though because ew. only tea he will drink is matcha green tea, anything else can suck it.

has also developed some ~anxious~ feelings , why ? idk, light trauma i guess. his pill usage sure doesn’t help though! loser! ... tbh maybe his anxiousness has grown over the years because he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do after school like he has money (that he tries not to use if i’m being honest, would rather use the money he gains from his job which i haven’t decided what should be. leave me alone), and will have a degree, but he’s still just questioning everything?? things have just been weird

sometime during middle school years (idk whats the equivalent of this in spain, shut up) he got into computers and... i’m not proud of this but his first hack was into this girls account that he liked and bro all he wanted to do was see some titties man thats it i promise. that crush did not work out, obvs.

anyways yes he continued down this computer path and made an app during high school!!! it wasn’t successful at all and he eventually deleted it but good for him coding and shit!!!

would hack into school systems to help out his buds and their grades. yeah they could have just copied off of him but... where is the fun in that lads

sometime he be just looking up ‘james kinney interviews’ on youtube just to see who this dude was dshjkg poor lad

can speak english and spanish ,, has that lisp thingy spaniards have i hate it but i guess whatever

kind of messy honestly, can someone clean his desk

connections

literally anything just hmu i can’t come up with these things tbh

#pulled this out of my ass i literally just made him on the spot im jkshdsg #theflats:intro

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cas-lost-grace · 6 years

Text

Dare

As demanded by @mythicalesbian , @dascean , @ailuromatron , @theladydetective , @anxious-gay-dinosaur , @casbeanie (I probably forgot someone)

A sequel of Truth or Dare, explicit, college!au, first time, friends to lovers

It must be Murphy’s law that when you drunkenly decide to do something you don’t have the courage for while sober, the moment you are about to actually do it, you instantly sober up.

Dean watches as Cas closes the door and sits on Dean’s bed and his head is suddenly painfully clear.

Dean leans his back against the door and runs his hands over his face.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

Dean shakes his head but doesn’t elaborate.

Castiel stands up and with a concerned expression on his face walks towards Dean.

"What’s wrong?" he asks tilting his head.

"Do you... do you really want to do it?"

"What? Finger you? Yes. I’d like to suck your cock too if that’s fine."

Dean closes his eyes and lets his head hit the door.

"How can you just... we- we’re-"

"Friends?"

Dean looks at him and nods, glad that he understands.

"Yes, we are, Dean. But I’m also very attracted to you. And it´s mutual judging by how determined you’ve been all night to get me undressed."

Dean’s lips part, but he doesn’t get a chance to say anything.

Cas gives him a small sad smile and brushes his fingertips down Dean’s jaw.

"But you’re right, Dean. We shouldn’t do it. Not like this, not because of a dare. If I’m ever going to do anything sexual with you, it has to be because you actually want it." With that, he reaches around Dean for the door handle.

For a moment, Dean imagines he lets Cas go, then wakes up in the morning still wanting him but never ever finding the courage so they will stay very frustrated friends.

"Wait!"

Cas looks at him. His eyes are wide and his cheeks are still flushed and he’s wearing just his boxers. How the hell could Dean let him go?

"I want it," Dean basically spits the words out. Cas squints at him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, yeah I’m sure just... could we like... maybe... kiss first? If that’s okay?"

Cas looks like he’s trying to hold back a grin, but his lips still curl into a smile.

"Of course, Dean. You didn’t expect me to throw you on the bed and just fuck you with my fingers, did you?"

"I-uh." Dean rubs the back of his neck, his cheeks feel on hot. Cas huffs out a laugh.

"Come here, you dumbass, let me kiss you."

Dean looks up and before he can realize that they are really about to do it, Cas is leaning in and pressing their lips together.

Technically it’s like any other first kiss. A little awkward and hesitant before they get in sync with each other.

But other than this, it’s totally different than any other kiss Dean’s ever had. Because it’s Cas. It’s Cas and his lips are very soft, his tongue pointy and downward sinful and his shoulders are firm under Dean’s hands and his hair is all fluffy and it’s Cas. Smart, kind, dorky Cas that Dean’s been fascinated by from the first moment he met him. And now they are kissing and it’s blowing Dean’s mind making him feel even drunker than he’s felt before.

"Still want it?" Cas asks, his lips bearly leaving Dean’s.

"More than ever," Dean answers truthfully.

Dean’s still nervous as they stumble onto the bed, but Cas’ kisses distract him enough that he doesn’t entirely freak out when he finds himself on his back, his pants and underwear being pulled off.

"Wow, nice," Cas breathes out when Dean’s cock bobs against his belly. Dean’s cheeks feel so like they might go up in flames any minute.

"Thanks, I guess," he mutters. Cas chuckles and leans down to mouth at the base of Dean’s cock.

"Oh fuck!" Dean cries out. His arms fly up to grab the headboard.

Cas lets out another deep chuckle and rescues Dean’s feet from his clothes. He runs his palms up Dean’s hairy thighs, his stare is so intense on Dean’s body it’s almost unbearable. Dean tries not to twitch as Cas’ touch gives him goosebumps.

Cas’ hands tighten on Dean’s hipbones and he actually licks his lips before diving down and swallowing Dean’s cock.

Dean gasps for breath. He’s had blowjobs before, quite a lot, but nobody has ever blown him like this, with such devotion, like Dean’s the best thing he’s ever had in his mouth. Dean makes a sound that’s halfway between a moan and a sob, desperately trying not to push deeper into Cas’ throat.

Cas pulls off with an obscene wet sound and looks at Dean. His lips are even pinker than normally and his blue irises are almost entirely swallowed up by black pupils. Dean clenches his teeth feeling like he might come from the sight alone.

"So," Cas says as he straightens and pushes lightly at Dean’s knees to make him bent them. "When you did it yourself, how many fingers did you take?"

Dean’s boiling blood all drained to his cock but now it’s in his cheeks again.

"Just one," he admits breathlessly. "And I’ve never been with a guy." He bites his lip the moments the words are out. He has no idea why he said it. Cas’ eyes widen in surprise and for a brief moment, Dean dreads that Cas might back off.

"Not at all?" Cas asks. Dean shakes his head.

"I... I know I’m into guys I just... never acted on it."

"Hmm," Cas’ deep voice rumbles as he looks down at Dean. "Then I’d better try really hard to not ruin it for you," he says and rubs his stubbled cheek against Dean’s knee.

Dean thinks he might be already ruined for anyone else, but he fortunately manages to keep these words for himself.

Cas pushes Dean’s knees further up. Dean has to steady his breathing when he basically feels Cas’ stare on his hole.

Cas runs the pad of his thumb over the puckered flesh making Dean shiver.

Cas hums again like he’s deep in thoughts. "You know what? I changed my mind."

Dean gapes at him, terrified. If Cas is going to leave now, he’ll die of embarrassment.

"I want to eat you out."

"What?"

Cas frowns. "Use my mouth, on your hole. I’m pretty sure you’ll like it."

"But... but what about you? Isn’t it like... disgusting?"

Cas huffs out a laugh. "Don’t worry about me. I’m gonna enjoy this just fine." With that, he puts his hands on Dean’s ass cheeks to pull them apart and leans down.

"Cas!" Dean cries when the hot wet tongue drags over his sensitive rim.

Cas hums-a sound that’s starting to drive Dean crazy and licks and sucks. Dean lets go of the headboard to grab onto Cas’ hair tugging slightly. He knows he’s moaning like his life depends on it but he’s unable to stop himself. The sensations are so new and intimate and exciting.

He’s actually a little relieved when Cas stops because he’s started to feel overwhelmed. He looks at Cas who’s looking just slightly less out of breath than Dean feels.

"Good?" Cas asks.

"I’m having a heart attack."

Cas grins at him. "Ready for more?"

Dean nods. It will be a great way to die.

"Lube?" Cas asks.

"The second drawer," Dean says gesturing towards the nightstand. He’s glad he doesn’t have to move.

Cas crawls over him to reach the drawer. When he’s about to pull away, Dean grabs his shoulder. It’s so thick it makes Dean angry.

Cas looks at Dean with surprise but he relaxes when Dean pulls him down for a kiss. The taste is strange, but it’s the idea of where that mouth has been that makes Dean shiver.

"Are you really okay?" Cas asks softly, his lips just a breath away from Deans. "We can stop here for now."

"Don’t you dare," Dean growls. Cas chuckles as he resumes his position between Dean’s legs.

He squeezes out some lube and rubs it between his palms to warm it.

"The angle is different so I’ll be able to push deeper than when you do it yourself."

Dean nods, his abandoned cock twitches at the idea.

"You need to let me know if something feels off. Okay?"

"I will. Just go on before I lose my nerve."

"Okay, try to relax," Cas suggests before brushing his wet fingertips over Dean’s hole. He pushes his index in, just to the first knuckle. Dean focuses on taking deep slow breaths. He squeezes his eyes shut and lets himself be overtaken by the sensation of Cas’ finger pushing deeper. It’s good, it’s familiar until it’s more than Dean’s used to. He moans and clenches his muscles which enhances the feeling of being filled and makes him moan even more.

"You okay?" Cas asks.

"I’m great."

Cas runs his free hand up Dean’s chest under his shirt and pinches his nipple making Dean hiss before he starts to move his finger inside Dean.

"Fuck yes," Dean sighs. He reaches for his cock, but Cas bats his hand away.

"No. Leave it up to me."

"Okay, okay, fine, oh god!" Dean cries out when Cas touches a spot inside him that makes his whole body clench with a shock of pleasure.

"Dean Winchester, let me introduce you to your prostate."

"Fuck!"

"Amazing, isn’t?"

Instead of a reply, Dean sobs into the back of his hand as Cas brushes over his prostate again and again.

"I’m going to add another finger," Cas informs and takes Dean’s incoherent sound as an affirmative.

Dean bites his lip and groans at the stretch and burn.

"Relax, babe, I’ve got you."

Dean opens his eyes. The utter focus with which Cas is looking at him is beautiful. His free hand is moving over Dean’s thigh in a soothing gesture. Dean wonders if anyone ever cared for his pleasure and comfort this much. He feels his body opening for Cas, letting him in and he’s rewarded by a feeling of fullness.

"God, Dean, you’re so beautiful," Cas says as he fucks Dean steadily. "I wish you could see yourself as I do right now. Loving my fingers up your ass. Your hole stretched around them, your cock leaking, your face... fuck Dean, it’s better than I imagined."

"You...you did?"

"Yeah. This and much more. You on your knees sucking my cock, you bend over the kitchen table, you in my lap."

Dean’s trembling, his body feels like a livewire, his climax is closing in.

"Cas, please," he moans.

Moving his hand faster, pushing it deeper and harder, Cas leans down and wraps his lips around Dean’s cock.

And Dean loses it. He thinks he might have shouted a somewhat coherent warning before his vision blacks out and he’s coming harder than ever. His body spasms so hard hi arches his back off the bad and kicks his legs out.

He opens his eyes, gasping for breath, his heart hammering against his breastbone.

Cas is grinning down at him. He has his boxers down to his knees and his hard cock in his hand.

It seems he didn’t pull back fast enough because there’s a speck of come on his chin.

Without thinking, Dean grabs the back of his head and pulls him down. Cas collapses on top of him with a huff and freezes a little when Dean licks his own jizz off his face.

Then they are kissing. Dirty and wet. Dean grabs Cas’ ass when he starts to rock his hips dragging his cock through the hot sticky mess on Dean’s stomach.

It feels so amazing Dean would come again if it was physically possible.

Cas moans Dean’s name when his orgasm hits and Dean holds him tight against his chest as Cas rides it.

They take a few long minutes to just bask in the afterglow. Then Cas pushes himself up and uses the kleenex on Dean’s nightstand to clean them up.

Cas suddenly seems very silent, the confidence with which he took Dean apart is gone. He pulls his boxers up and sits on the edge of the bed. Dean reaches for his arm.

"Are you gonna stay?"

Cas actually flinches at Dean’s words sending a pang of panic through Dean’s chest.

"I don’t think it’s a good idea," he says not looking Dean in the face.

It takes Dean a moment to find his breath. "Why?"

Cas finally turns to him. There’s a deep crease between his brows, his eyes sre sad. "Because there’s a good chance you’ll wake up in the morning and regret what we’ve done."

Dean mirrors his frown. "I don’t think so. And even if, we’re friends, we can figure it out."

Cas’ lips curl up but it lacks mirth. "Friends with benefits?"

"I don’t know. Maybe. If that’s what you want. Maybe something else."

Cas raises an eyebrow.

"Like boyfriends maybe?"

A sharp feeling like a bolt of lightning runs down Dean’s spine. He realizes it’s equal parts anxiety and excitement.

"You’d want that?" his voice sounds weak to his own ears.

"It’s what I dreamed of the most."

Dean huffs out the breath that he was holding. He tugs at Cas’ arm and Cas lies down next to him.

"Truth or dare?" Dean asks.

Cas’ eyes darken. "Dare."

"Be my boyfriend."

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel ficlet #college!au #friends to lovers #first time #mine

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piamii · 5 years

Text

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

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dog-teeth · 6 years

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I'm the anon who got blackout drunk and kissed a friend, girlfriend is angry, which is fair, but hypocritical because she's done that twice.. Anyway I.. I relapsed again.. In the school bathroom.. My grades are down and my abusive parents are back on their bullshit, dad started drinking again. And for the first time in a while, I considered dying. I'm in year 11 and all the stress is caving me in, I just.. I'm sorry I just needed to vent

oh no im so sorry :( year 11 is the equivalent of 10th grade in america? yeAh that was a rough time for me as well, one of the most difficult times of my life. i rly went thru it when i was that age and im sorry u have to too. i think you definitely need to talk to your gf about this, like of course she has a right to be upset about the kiss but its really not that big of a deal and she should understand that, especially considering shes done it twice. if you think shes reacting unfairly compared to how you reacted when she made the same mistake, you should tell her that in a respectful way. either way, you should tell her that u need her support right now because youre going through a hard time. if shes a good partner she should be able to put aside her issues with the kiss and support you when you need her.

and im sorry youre in a shitty situation. i know things might seem hopeless right now, but it wont stay this way, i promise. your situation will change, your perspective will change, you will grow and learn how to deal with things better and learn more about yourself and what makes you happy. relapses suck, feeling suicidal sucks, not knowing how to feel better sucks, but all of these tough experiences will make you stronger even if you cant see it now, and none of them will last forever. when i look back on how i was at your age, i think “its a miracle i survived” because i know it could have easily gone worse and did a few times. it might have to get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better. it will take time and effort, but sooner than you think (i know it feels like forever) you will be able to move out of your parents house and be done with school and will be able to build your own life. stress and anxiety is really hard to deal with and can be overwhelming, but i promise it wont last forever. id say my advice is to make sure you have at least a few minutes of no stress per day. just take a few minutes and say “these stresses exist, and they wont go away, but i can let go of them for a few minutes and enjoy being alive. nothing bad will happen if i stop worrying about them just for a few minutes” and do something you enjoy! i like to take walks outside and play video games. try to do something other than scroll through social media. watch an episode of a tv show you like, listen to a song you love, call a friend, anything you want, and when the anxious thoughts come back into your head, acknowledge their presence and let them go the best you can. just a few minutes a day where you arent weighed down by stress. i care about u and i know things will get better u just have to push though this hard time!

i made a lil soft playlist of sad but calming songs 4 u listen on spotify here

#playlist #advice #ez answers #Anonymous

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ddecatur · 6 years

Text

Just a damn side note.

Sometimes I have a hard time waking up because I’m always fatigued and tired. I don’t usually eat through out the day but I do at night. Sometimes I have crazy drunk nights but I’m sweet and loving.but people know me as the fun, crazy drunk to invite to parties. But I don’t really drink anymore. I smoke weed to have fun with my friends and I smoke weed by myself to not battle myself in my head. My body hurts all the time. I curved my spine in a car accident, broke my tail bone in 5th grade, broke my toe in high school and danced competitively on it freshly broken, I have weird pulsing migraines until I get adjusted,and I lost my dad right in the middle of my senior year. All of those usually affect me daily. So if I don’t want to go out (which I usually stay inside a lot of the summer when it gets worse) just understand.

My family isn’t the nicest to me. They pick on me for everything I do. I could become rich and provide everything and they would find a problem with it. I’ve never had support from my family until they felt it was right. My dad always supported me, but once he passed, I found myself seeking for that attention and approval in others when doing sometimes cool or right for myself, because thats what my dad always gave me. So now I’m constantly looking for things in other people. Whether it’s the good, the positive or a change that needs to happen. I give others what I’m not getting. Which pushes me aside. Now I think I deserve a lot more than I need I guess. But it’s created this little unnecessary attitude defense mechanism.

Im very in touch with my feelings. I feel not only mine but others I care about around me. Which drives me crazy. I get these sick, overwhelming, anxious feelings telling me something is wrong all because I’m intuitive. So you almost never can hide anything from me. Don’t get this twisted. If you think you’re hiding something well, I probably already know and I’m either choosing to ignore it, or waiting for you to be a decent person and tell me. One creates future problems sooo.

If you’re lying, you don’t feel me anymore or there’s an energy shift in any way, I’ll feel it, I’ll match your energy, and I’ll most likely be sad and stand-offish until you tell me or until I figure out who’s energy I’m feeling. When I get these ways, it’s important to be fragile with me. I might ask you if you’re sure a few times, but it’s because I don’t know who’s feelings are in my head at those moments and all I want is peace. So just trust me and care for me. It’s not hard all the time.

I’m an angry person. My exes could tell you that a lot of things don’t push me to the edge but when they do, they shove. Sometimes it’s my fault for waiting so long and then it blows up but my chances of doing something about it with you calming me down on the sidelines is slim to none. I need to be tamed, I know I do, and it’s not your responsibility, please know that I get that. But there’s nothing wrong with trying to help someone who is having a hard time doing it themselves. Even if I fight it, fight back. I’ll get to your level and calm down.

If not, let me learn, let me fail, just be there in the end if I do.

My point is, there’s so much about me that people have to learn, and that’s a scary thing to have to do over and over again for the wrong people. I’m emotional when I used to be emotionless, I’m fearful when I used to be fearless, I’m tired when I used to be active, and I’m empty when I used to be whole. So forgive me for who I am between times of change and forgive me when I’m up and down with my feelings. I’m independent until it comes to needing someone for my emotions.

And that’s the point. I have all of that and it’s apparently more than people can handle. I ask for communication, loyalty, honesty and positivity.

So if you can handle all of that, if you’re willing to stick it out until the growth age of both of us, then hit me up.

Because honestly, I can’t take this “I’ve realized over the past few days” bullshit anymore.

If you’re feeling off, let’s talk about it and work it out. If it’s not working and you feel the same about me, I’ll let you go.

C o m m u n i c a t i o n.

It’s a beautiful thing.

I can’t force love upon myself. I know my worth, I know what I deserve. And if it’s not you, that’s okay. Someone else deserves us and they’ll be so lucky.

But the moment you start acting shady, salty, or straight fucking ignoring me, is when I go absolutely crazy.

You did it intentionally so you can’t be shocked when I act out.

It’s not hard ladies, I don’t ask for a lot.

But apparently the good ones see such humor and ugly in me that they lose interest so fast. And it sucks, because I’ve put my life on the line so many times for people who will never deserve me. I only want to support people and help them grow and succeed.

And now I’m full of insecurities, fear, hate, confusion and loneliness that I have never felt before. And that will always be something I carry until proven different.

If you don’t want to spend time proving to me that others are different, just to act the same in the end,

don’t waste my time.

I ain’t got time for that shit.

I just want people in my life who love me and want to see me do great things. For me. Not because it will benefit them.

I’m so broken. But I’m working on it.

Feel free to be there and support me.

#lesbian #girls who like girls #girls who kiss girls #arizona lesbian #gay girl #single lesbian #snapback lesbian

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weabbynormalblog · 3 years

Text

Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

#Rising above abuse #Mental illness healthy choices #Be the master in your life #Embrassing Conflict #Conflict resolution #Living with childhood trauma

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for-the-love-of-life-lads · 3 years

Text

Progress Report

Weight 138.4lb

I did pretty good today. Workout was tough, kept intensity up during mid-day, but wasn’t able to get super intense during class. I had to coach again, which I don’t mind but I just wish I got to be more in the action. I did make the kids run wind sprints though and I got to do it with them. That was fun :D

Food was okay, I got essentially the same meals. Did do salmon and asparagus which was amazing. For water, I only got 4. I know, I suck but I just couldn’t help it. I knew I didn’t sweat nearly as much as I did last night, so I couldn’t force myself to do it.

I have done my abs workout every night though. I found a video that goes through a three week period and gives you different core exercises for every two days so far. I do them at night when I tell my parents I’m going to bed, then I do these progress reports. I just get any time really to myself where I can do anything I want/ need to do. My food is regulated by my parents, my workouts, my school work, there isn’t an aspect of my life that I have control of. So, I guess doing my core workouts and making these progress reports is kinds my “me time” that cut into my schedule for. I have been really worried that I won’t keep up with my core stuff the later I go into the week because I am exhausted by the time Friday rolls around. So, I am going to really committed to doing them again tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. Also, I am a little worried about tomorrow. Fridays are always death days for any diets I commit to. I just go crazy and binge eating everything in sight. I really don’t want to do that. I might try and find some activities that will keep my out of the kitchen. I don’t know, maybe I could write a little? Maybe I could find some exercise to do? Maybe I could do my ALS portfolio or write a research paper for fun. I need to check back in with college stuff, so maybe I could do that outside or in my room. I don’t know, just something that will keep me from eating.

(Warning: suicide mentions, eating disorders, basically just me ranting so just skip this section)

Sorry I’m not as peppy tonight, it’s been a long day and I just get tired of always being in trouble. I didn’t do this right, or I’m missing something, or I forgot to do that. Honestly, I don’t understand it. I just get tired of always being wrong. I know that’s partly why I eat, I have so much anxiety all the time and then I get super depressed because it feels like I am going to be stuck here forever and then I want to kill myself. So, because it feels like nothing matters and I don’t have anything that makes me happy, I eat sweet stuff to get the endorphins easily. I wish I could like go for a run or something you know? Just listen to music and run the pain away a little. They talk about a “runners high” which would be a good, productive way to get the endorphins, but my parents wouldn’t let me, or I would have to be on the phone with them the whole time, or they would have to go with me (even though their the thing I’m trying to get away from). I have no place to go, I have nothing to do, so I do the only thing I know can make me happy for just a second which is eating. Honestly, this is why I am so ready for college. There, I could go for a run whenever I want. If I want to take a class about writing? Done. If I want to go to the library for a place to do my work. Boom! Im there! The idea that I could do core workouts before 9:00 pm at night and then type posts without worrying if the noises of my keyboard are going to be too loud and cause my parents to break in and yell at me just takes a lot of stress away. I think I wouldn’t be nearly as stressed as I am with my parents. I feel like I’m a mother taking care of three children’s mental health. To my parents credit, I have always had a house and food. I am super grateful for how they always physically provide for me. But when I feel like I am trying to mediate a off-and-on relationship couple for my parents who literally haven’t figured out how to grow up in the 18 years I’ve been alive it gets hard. When my dad isn’t happy, he wants me to fix it. When he’s mad at my mom? I have to fix it. When he wants to rough-house? I’m in trouble if I don’t want to play. I have to manage the diets to make sure he doesn’t throw everyone off because he wants to eat out. I have to set the alarms so that everyone gets to their workouts and appointments on time. When my mom is angry that she puts herself in this situation, I have to hear about how sucky her life is even though she is fully capable of being independent and leaving anytime she wants. Mean while, they both have forgotten their other daughter (my younger sister) for the last 15 years and I have had to essentially teach her how to grow up into a normal functioning adult. She needs to know that its okay to cry, but just make sure that get back to work after you’ve had a good cry. She has to know that she needs to be able to love herself and be able to be okay being by herself before she ever gets in a relationship. She needs to know how someone should treat her because she is a good person and so she deserves good treatment. She needs to know that the world isn’t going to chew her up and spit her out because she is stronger than she’ll ever know. She needs to learn how to be a self-starter, but also to know when you need to take care of yourself and take things slower. These are the things my baby sister needs to know, that I have to teach her because my parents have so many of their own mental issues that they are too busy to see her growing up unguided. I worry about her when I’m gone because whenever she gets sad, or overwhelmed all she can say is “what am I going to do without you?” and the truth is, I don’t have a good answer for her. I don’t trust that my parents can get their shit together enough to take care of her and help her grow into a mentally healthy individual. If not for her, I would have killed myself a long time ago. But all I could think about whenever I created my plan and chose a night, and wrote that note, was how I was leaving her without anyone who could help her grow up. I mean look at me? I have severe anxiety, depression, certainly low self-esteem, eating problems, trust issues, I’m super anti-social, and I am so messed up that I feel like I can’t do anything without constantly thinking about what a fuck-up I am. I don’t want her to end up like me. I want her to be able to at least live with herself by the time she’s 18.

So yeah, clearly I haven’t had the best day based on the fact I’m spilling my guts right now, so I am going to go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

See you guys soon!

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baekkxong · 7 years

Text

A-List – Part 2

Part 1

Pairing: BTS Jungkook X Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: Swearing

Word Count: 1,834

A/N 2 months later and it’s updated im sosorry

You were miserable. Miserable to the point that you no longer found dancing, singing and performing an enjoyment of yours. It was all laborious, tiring and arduous. It required such strenuous effort and you no longer found the motivation or excitement in your work. You used to find being an idol such a blessing – you were one among the incredibly lucky ones. Yet now, you wondered quite how immoral you must have been to deserve experiencing such an unfair scenario. You could feel yourself drifting away from your bandmates, becoming more spiteful towards even the friendliest workers in the company, and tending to stay in your room until you needed to come out.

Once Jisu, Mijin and Yeona had heard the news, they’d bombarded you with questions: why didn’t you tell us beforehand? Wasn’t he treating you right? I thought you were head over heels for him? It had all become so overwhelming they’d reduced you tears, crying into their arms while avoiding answering a single one of their questions.

While you’d got away with remaining secretive about the whole deal with Jungkook, Jisu had decided she’d have to pursue what happened in order to help heal you. You had been in your room tidying relentlessly – something which had become a coping habit of yours - when Jisu had let herself inside.

“Hey,” she approached you softly, soft brown eyes adjusting to the dim lighting in the room. You threw the last pillow on your bed and looked up to see her. She was dressed in a strap top and pyjama shorts, face clean of makeup and hair up in a messy bun. You were in similar attire, although you felt nothing as radiant as she looked in her natural state.

“Hi.” Your voice was quiet.

She lowered herself down onto your bed, reaching for your wrist and tugging gently. You sat next to her. The tension between the both of you was like that of friends who’d recently fought. Jisu was behaving as if you’d explode any second; she was stepping on eggshells.

“I just wanted to talk,” Jisu shrugged, “to you.”

“About what?” you questioned, although you needn’t have asked.

“You know… the situation.”

You frowned uncomfortably and looked away from her, finding something on the wall of your room to look at instead. Jisu shifted closer to you and reached for both your wrists which were resting between your thighs.

“Y/N, anyone can see how shit you feel. And that you miss Jung- ” You whipped your head around, wincing and shocking her to silence for a moment. Jisu sighed. “We’re all worried about you. You can open up to me, you know. Please, it’ll make you feel better. And how can we help if you’re caging yourself away from us?”

You were trying so hard, holding with all your might to keep the brick wall you’d built from collapsing. Feeling like a child, you bit your lip to push the tears back and looked away. The wall was trembling. Seeing Jisu so anxious and sympathetic hurt you, and soon were unable to protect the wall from the tremors. You burst into tears, sobbing into Jisu’s shirt while she rubbed your back comfortingly. You stayed like that for a while before finally leaning away from her and looking her into her concerned eyes.

“Hyunwoo made me do it. Of course I never wanted to break up with Jungkook; I love him so much. I never wanted any of this to happen.”

You’d never seen Jisu’s eyes filled with so much sincerity.

“Break up with him?! What? Why?” you demanded, challenging Hyunwoo. He opened his mouth to respond, but instead you interrupted him. “You think me breaking up with him is going to make more money for you?! Look at you,” you gestured to your manager – still sitting on the desk and looking down at you as if he were a king – “you’re richer than all of us put together. Instead of watching our earnings run into your pocket, why don’t you invest in the wellbeing of the members?” you ranted, unable to control yourself as the accusations kept coming out.

Hyunwoo remained scarily calm.

“Y/N,” he began, shifting slightly and allowing you to recognise the pounding of your blood in your head, “I don’t appreciate the way you’re speaking to me.”

You were silent.

“You will break up with him tonight.”

“… Why me?” you asked, your throat hoarse as you daren’t let any tears arise.

“It’s your relationship. You do it. And you will not tell him the truth.”

“Excuse me?”

“Right, picture this. Y/N, you’re tired of dealing with the publicity. The hate is getting to you. You hate how your relationship is a spectacle for fans all over the world. That is why you’re breaking up with him.” Hyunwoo set the scene as easily and as casually as if you were filming a music video. He was getting you into your role – getting you in the head of who you were playing as you often did. While Hyunwoo’s director instincts were great, often producing fantastic ideas, it meant he viewed the world with great expectations, as if everything were literature and he were the writer. He enjoyed being in control, to write the story and watch the events unfold and fall into place.

“You expect me to lie to him?” Your voice was barely a whisper and your manager had to strain to hear you.

“You of all people know what Jeon Jungkook’s like. He won’t stand for it. He can be rather hot-headed, can’t he?” You wanted to defy him, to say that lying wouldn’t be necessary, but you full well knew how angry Jungkook would become. Hyunwoo was right, and it made you sick. Talking about Jungkook like that felt so personal; discussing his personality only made your heart warm with familiarity, but was soon struck with ice once the circumstances crawled back to you. Even Hyunwoo knew that Jungkook would be upset and protective over you – and it only broke your heart more.

Searching desperately for an excuse, you wildly attempted to stall the process one last time.

“It wouldn’t make any sense – breaking up with him now. We’re so happy at the moment,” you tried.

“Y/N,” Hyunwoo said sternly. “Just do it.”

He gave you a look which you knew all too well, one that screamed the threats he had in mind. You had crossed Hyunwoo one too many times and had certainly learnt to obey him. All four of you had grown to become submissive and respectful towards your manager. It was unfair and inhumane, his form of mental torture, but it also made you successful. While what he did was wrong, you had all been twisted to believe that it was justified – you lived a glorious life loved by all the world after all.

Your group had been close with the whole of BTS, frequently visiting their dorms like college kids. You no longer went. The other three girls noticed that Jungkook hardly joined them anymore, and while the nine of them were used to the two of you being absent, an unhappy aura hung low in the air. You two would only be absent as you were together - and the thought that you were both in your rooms alone, mourning the relationship, made everyone uncomfortable. It was all so different and wrong.

Everyone sans for both you and Jungkook were huddled in BTS’ living room. Some were slung lazily on the sofas and chairs, while some crowded round the coffee table, sitting cross-legged on the carpet. You’d ordered pizza and had put a movie on, which ran quietly in the background while you all chatted.

“I still can’t believe Y/N broke up with Jungkook. It just seems so unlike her – weren’t they happy?” Namjoon asked, sitting in front of the small table while trying his best to build a house of cards. Jisu was silent, staring at the floor and convincing herself that spilling the truth wouldn’t necessarily fix things.

Yeona frowned. “I know, it’s so strange. Y/N’s been miserable the whole time. It sucks seeing her like this.”

“Then why’d she do it?” Yoongi questioned, sitting with his legs swinging over the armrest of his sofa chair and pulling out an earphone.

“Speaking of,” Jisu interrupted, attempting to steer the conversation away while also gaining some kind of information. “How is Jungkook?”

Namjoon opened his mouth to respond before the door of the sitting room opened. It was Jungkook himself, dressed in a huge red hoodie with the hood up, concealing his messy hair. All eyes fell on him, tracing his movement. There were dark circles under his eyes, and while they were grey, they stood out as if they were fluorescent.

“Jungkook! You going to join us?” Jimin piped up, smiling extra widely to his friend and attempting to lighten the mood in the room.

“Just came to get pizza,” Jungkook answered, making his way to the coffee table and picking up the last, cold slice in one of the cardboard boxes.

“Why don’t you stay? We can play a game of cards,” Jisu suggested and glanced at Namjoon, who had almost finished building his tower. Namjoon flicked an evil glance back at her – it had taken him all night to get as far as he had with the playing cards just then, but would really do anything if it meant improving Jungkook’s mood.

“Nah, I’m good. Tired.” He turned and departed the room while everyone watched after him with sad eyes.

“Yeah, not so well,” Taehyung sighed, answering Jisu’s previous question.

“At least he ate something this time,” Hoseok said, eyes lingering on the now empty pizza box.

You found yourself in Hyunwoo’s office again, and never had you hated your job quite so much as you did in that particular moment. You stood lazily, your posture untidy and unattractive while you glared aimlessly at a painting of a gloomy and desolate forest, where a strange white path stretched forwards to nowhere behind your manager’s head.

“Are you listening?” he hissed, and you blinked, in an attempt to bring yourself back to reality.

“Sorry, yes.”

“You were tying him back, holding him down. Jungkook didn’t deserve that. Now he’s thriving, don’t you see it? Their comeback was a tremendous success, and it’s all thanks to you.” He smiled falsely. Hyunwoo structured his words carefully to make sure you were both aware that it was in fact him who had boosted BTS’ success, not you, by steering your relationship to a dead end. Your band’s sales had increased also, however Hyunwoo cautiously decided not to address that. He was snide, and soon he’d drilled it into your head that you should feel guilty. “Jungkook must maintain his innocent, maknae image. You understand that, don’t you?”

You nodded, and soon realised that your fingernails, which had been digging into your elbow, had drawn blood.

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