#this took me every weekend since the end of june but!!!

[roaringroa]

only 2 more days of this and then i can chill and spend a few days thinking strictly about yuri manga and hay day all day long like god intended

[heavyhitterheaux]

Notice Me

AN: We're going to pretend that Latto was the headliner on day one because SZA is the face claim lol

Synopsis: While at Gazebo Fest with your best friend, you happen to meet Jack, and the two of you quickly take to each other. Once you part ways, you are heavy on Jack’s mind, and he's determined to see you again

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

“Why is it so got damn hot out here?!” Your best friend Kayla asked as she was digging through her clear backpack to find something to fan herself with.

“You do realize that it's the end of May and almost June, right?” You replied as you laughed at her and took a sip of water.

The two of you were in the VIP section of Gazebo Fest and couldn't wait to see all the different performances throughout the entire weekend, but you were most excited to see your celebrity crush for as long as you could remember, Jack Harlow.

You had gotten there two days before so that it could give you some time to explore Louisville before having to go to the festival. You and Kayla had gone to Churchill Downs, Morris Deli, and to see his Hometown Hero banner. Before the two of you went home, the goal was to hit up Barrels and Billets to make your own bourbon to take back home with you.

Glancing at the time, you quickly opened the Gazebo Fest app on your phone to see who would be performing next and got excited when you saw that it was Paris Texas. As you were sliding your phone in your back pocket, Kayla started hitting your arm repeatedly.

“Ow! What is your problem?!” You exclaimed while turning to look at her.

“I spy a mullet and that can only mean that it belongs to your man. Look to your left. Okay slowly turn and look. I see Clay too!”

Doing as you were told, you quickly saw him and you felt your heart skip a beat. Kayla liked Jack and his music, but she was more so here for Vince Staples as well as the younger Harlow.

“Maybe you'll get a marriage proposal before we leave on Monday.”

“Kayla, as much as I would like that… shut up.”

“Hey, stranger things have happened.” She replied while holding her hands up in defense.

Once Paris Texas set was over, the crowd dispersed and only a few of you were left at the barricade talking and mingling amongst each other when Kayla leaned over and whispered in your ear.

“I need to pee.”

“What the? Why are you whispering? Is that supposed to be a secret?”

“I don't want to go by myself and the girl next to me told me that she would save our spots.”

“Come on then.” You said as you went and grabbed her hand.

The two of you started walking to the VIP bathrooms when your breath hitched in your throat as you saw Jack was sitting in the driver's seat of a golf cart surrounded by people on his team.

“Sike! I don't have to pee, but go over to your man! He's looking at you and smiling!”

“Kayla…” You said through gritted teeth since you knew that she knew how shy you were. 

All she did was slightly push you forward as Jack waved you over to come to him.

“Hey pretty girl, enjoying yourself so far?” Jack asked you as you had finally worked up the nerve to approach him. Your heart was racing a mile a minute.

“So far, I have no complaints so my answer is yes.” You responded while smiling.

Your only goal was not to look absolutely crazy in front of him. But you were going to kill Kayla later. 

“Is it your first time here in Louisville?”

“No, I've been here before, but this is the first time that I actually got to explore the city. I was here for every NPLH you had.”

“Where are you from?”

“The DMV. Maryland specifically.”

“The D stands for Delaware right?” Jack curiously asked, but you immediately shook your head no.

“Do me a favor. When you go there again, do not let anyone hear you say that. It stands for D.C. Now Delmarva is Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia.” You answered while trying not to laugh.

“Then it's a good thing that I asked you, huh?”

“Yes, because somebody would have taken offense to that, believe it or not.”

“What song do you want to hear me do tomorrow?”

“I… How am I supposed to do just one?!”

“Fine. Give me your top five.”

“I need you to do every song you've ever recorded, but five does give me a little more wiggle room. Hmm, Heavy Hitter, Ghost, Sundown, Eastern Parkway, Dark Knight, and I NEED Smells Like Incense because you've never done that one live.”

“Oh, I got a day one in my presence. And that was six songs by the way.” He replied while giving you a boyish grin.

Jack was captivated the first time he laid his eyes on you earlier that afternoon from behind the Gazebo stage as he saw you and Kayla at barricade. 

“I told you that it was hard for me to choose. You're lucky I didn't say Power Tools.”

“Damn, not you going back to The Handsome Harlow.”

“Have to admit it's one of my favorites.” You replied as you shrugged.

“I don't want to keep you from your friend all day, but I'll look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

Hearing him say that made you feel as though you were going to burst from having so many butterflies.

“You won't have to look far either. I'll be barricade.”

The rest of the day you and Kayla made the most of it watching all of the performances, getting drinks, and taking pics with Urban as well as other members of Private Garden.

The next morning, both of you woke up when your alarm went off at 8 ready for the day ahead. Both of you started off with mimosas and quickly moved to taking a few shots before it was ultimately time to get ready.

What stopped you in your tracks was a notification on your Gazebo app saying that because of the weather, the doors wouldn't be opening at 1 and to stay close to your phone to keep up with the alerts.

“You can't be fucking serious. We need to get barricade!” You said as you ran to the window to look outside at the weather. For right now, the sky was simply cloudy and gloomy. Not a raindrop in sight.

“What's wrong?” Kayla asked as she opened a bag of doritos and began stuffing them in her mouth.

“The opening of the gates are delayed.” You replied as you rolled your eyes.

“Until when!?”

“I'm not sure, it didn't say. I guess they'll send out another update so we can know.”

Kayla then grabbed her phone to pull up the weather app and simply shook her head.

“Babe, I don't know. I think we just might be under a tornado warning.”

“A WHAT!? NO! WHY TODAY? CAN IT WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW?” You exclaimed while running back towards the window.

“Apparently not.”

“Let's just pray that they don't cancel it. I know you have a date with your baby daddy later. I saw mine yesterday.” 

“He is literally the entire reason I came this weekend and now that might be ruined.”

“Let's just try and stay positive. We don't even have a concrete answer yet. Things could always change. But let's get our outfits together so we can be ready.”

It was now around 4 PM on Sunday and Jack was stressed. He had put so much time and effort as well as money into this and all he wanted to do was bring a music festival back to his city while having some of his favorite artists perform. He was trying not to sulk, but it was looking more and more like day 2 of Gazebo Fest wasn't about to happen.

“At least we had a good first day. You can't be mad at yourself for that.” Urban said as he sat down next to him.

“I know. I just don't want to compromise anyone's safety. People are going to be pissed.”

“They'll be pissed but they'll be alive.” He heard Clay say as he walked into the room.

“Then I need to call it.”

After he posted to his Instagram story the sad news of it being canceled, his thoughts immediately went to you.

“SHIT!”

“What? What's wrong?” Both Clay and Urban asked as they looked at him.

“The girl I was talking to yesterday.”

“You talked to a lot of girls yesterday?” Clay responded, confused as to what he was getting at.

“Not as long as I did her! The one with the curly hair!”

“Oh in VIP?”

“Yeah, and I totally forgot to ask her what her name was. Fuck.”

“Yall got a date or something we don't know about?”

“I was going to ask her when I saw her today, but now that's damn near impossible.”

Now not only was day two not happening, but he wasn’t about to see you either, until an idea came to him.

“Do you two remember what she looks like?” He asked both Urban and Clay as they nodded their heads.

“Okay, this might be a long shot, but maybe we can find her on instagram?”

“What the? How the HELL are we supposed to do that?” Clay asked, looking at his older brother in disbelief.

“The gazebo tag.” Urban answered for him and Jack simply nodded.

“Let’s get to it then.”

The three of them had been searching for a total of two hours when Urban had finally found you. He took a quick screenshot of the picture that was posted on Kayla’s page and cropped it before handing his phone to Jack.

“Found her!” 

“Let me see!”

As Urban was handing Jack his phone, it slipped out of his grasp onto the carpet below and Jack quickly dove for it, but it was too late. The screen had hit the home button on the app and everything had refreshed.

“You cannot be fucking serious! It refreshed your feed!”

“Wait, I got a screenshot!”

Urban quickly took his phone back and pulled it up in his gallery to show him as Clay was now looking over both of their shoulders to see what was happening.

“But you cropped it! It doesn’t have the username anymore!” Jack said before sighing and defeat was quickly washing over him.

“Hold on, now I have an idea.” Clay said while smirking.

Jack eyed him and motioned for him to continue.

“Post the screenshot and ask your followers on instagram to find her for you.”

You and Kayla had been in your hotel room sulking for hours at the fact that Gazebo day 2 had been canceled. So the two of you quickly decided to watch Jack’s interview along with WMCJ to pass the time, until Kayla screamed at the top of her lungs while looking down at her phone.

“BITCHHHHH!”

“Leave me to sulk in peace.” You replied while putting the comforter over your head.

“I don’t think you’ll be sulking too much longer. Jack is looking for you.”

“Excuse me?” Now this caught your attention and the comforter was now lying beside you as Kayla shoved her phone in your face as you saw his post on instagram.

Liked by urbanwyatt, claybornharlow, gazebo, quiiso, taylorrooks, and 1,284,096 others

jackharlow: I need a favor. Someone find the girl on the left for me.

When you were done looking at it, you handed Kayla back her phone and laid back down.

“Bitch, what the fuck are you doing? Your HUSBAND is looking for you! Respond to this man!”

“But… I don’t know…” You said while playing with the ends of your curly hair. 

“You don’t know what? He obviously wants to talk to you again so what’s the problem?”

“What if this isn’t even what we think it is?”

“Y/N, he made an instagram post asking millions of his followers to find you. I think he’s making it pretty clear that more than likely he wants to date you.”

“I… now I know your ass is delusional.” You said while looking at her and shaking your head.

“Well, what do YOU think the reason is? Because I KNOW my ass is right. Just respond and see what he says. It can’t hurt. You didn’t get to see him perform today so this is the next best thing. You have to learn to take chances and not be so scared all the time.”

You sat there contemplating what you were going to do when you noticed that Kayla was staring at you.

“What?”

“If you get to fuck Jack Harlow, I want a five page research paper with sources and a title page in APA format when we get back home.” 

It had been around six in the evening when you had seen Jack’s post and still hadn’t thought of a way to creatively respond to it. It was now ten at night and you and Kayla were getting ready to go to an after party that Ace Pro was hosting not too far from where your hotel was when you had gotten the perfect idea once you were settled in Kayla’s car. You had quickly explained to her what the plan was and it seemed as if she was more excited than you were about you finally responding to him. 

“I knew what I was doing when I picked out that outfit for you! He is bound to see you in this and rip it off the second that you two are in person.”

“KAYLA!”

“What?! Just telling the truth. Now pose so we can get a good one and post it.”

Liked by mahkaylaaa, jackharlowsource, urbandjack26, gazebo, and 348 others

barricadebaddie: word on the street is that jackharlow is looking for me. Is that true?

Your location was set to Streets of Louisville and you were hoping that he would see it and respond.

You just hope that you didn’t take too long to answer him. 

It took less than fifteen minutes for a notification to pop up on your phone saying that you had a new message on instagram.

1 New Message from jackharlow 

“KAYLA HE SENT ME A MESSAGE!” The two of you had just pulled up to the club that the after party was going to take place in when your heart started beating a mile a minute once more.

“WELL OPEN IT!” 

jackharlow

I meant what I said when I told you that I looked forward to seeing you today. I wanted to meet up with you tonight if you were up for it.

You

Of course I’m up for it

jackharlow

If you’re at Ace’s party I’m on my way there

You

See you when you get here

jackharlow

Then I was hoping we can go somewhere by ourselves

Your eyes went wide as you shoved your phone into Kayla’s hand who quickly took it and read the message.

“Oh yeah, yall fucking later. If you need condoms, I got you.”

“I swear I can’t take your ass anywhere.”

“Look, don’t get mad at me for being prepared.”

You

I’d like that and I’m definitely up for it

Jack had liked your message before you saw that he quickly followed you. 

You and Kayla went inside and had gone all the way in the back in the far left corner as the two of you ordered drinks and simply waited for Jack to arrive. A lump felt as if it was growing in your throat that you quickly swallowed back down knowing that it was your nerves getting the best of you.

As shy of a personas you are, many times you thought about leaving and heading back to the hotel, but Kayla was right. You needed to stop being scared of your own shadow and live out of your comfort zone.

It was around 11:30 when a lot of commotion was happening near the entrance of the club, and that could only mean one thing.

Jack was finally here. 

You quickly opened instagram to shoot him a message letting him know where you were and simply waited until he made his rounds as he was speaking to different people and also got into the DJ booth with Ace. When he finally glanced down at his phone, your guess was that he was reading your message and he quickly looked to his left and spotted you. A small grin came across his face as he slid his phone back into his pocket and made his way over to you. 

“Have fun, I’m going to get another drink.” Kayla said as she saw Jack headed over towards you and quickly got up to make her way towards the bar before you could protest.

Once Jack had finally reached you, he leaned down to embrace you into a hug and he lightly pulled you into him, making you stand all the way up before leaning down and whispering in your ear. 

“For a minute there, I thought you weren’t going to respond to me.”

“Hmm, I admit I was hesitant, but I figured why not? You obviously wanted to find me for a reason, so here I am.”

“When I see something I want, I’m persistent until I get it.” Jack replied as he played with the ends of your hair and you just knew for a fact that you were about to faint right then and there. 

“And after all of that yesterday, I forgot to ask what your name was.”

“It’s Y/N.” You responded while laughing, having not even noticed that you never told him your name.

“Well, Y/N, you ready to get out of here?”

“On one condition.”

“And what’s that pretty girl?”

“A private show.”

“Hmm, of my songs or were you thinking about something else?” He asked as he leaned down to whisper in your ear once more, but this time kissed the shell of it.

“I’ll take both if you’re up for it.”

“It took me all damn day to find you, so I’m definitely up for it.”

[soobnny]

june blossoms — lee heeseung.

trope. fake dating. best friends to lovers. eventual realizations. part 2 to month of may.

synopsis. as the month of may ends, you wonder what june holds for you and heeseung (especially with no more need to fake date)

word count. 2k words

warnings. none aside from a few curse words

note. this is a part 2 to month of may which you can find here, i’ve had this idea for a while so it was about time to post the sequel! i hope this is how some of u pictures the sequel to look like

Yujin leaves the day after the wedding, and you’re only left with the weekend to recompose yourself and go back into practiced hiding.

The 48 hours is quick, spent buried under your covers, and living in your head. Overthinking. Sleeping. Repeat. There was no guise of fake dating to use as an excuse for the way you look at him now, for the way you reach for his hand, for the way you hug him a little longer than you should.

June starts with a heavy heart. Almost scared. Almost not able to leave the next day for school.

Your fingers tremble as you smoothen down the slight crinkles of your shirt, looking at yourself in the mirror. There’s a critical frown on your face. Now is the only time to be sad. You can’t do it when Heeseung’s around.

Pouting lips and wavering eyes are so easy for him to notice.

Sighing, you have to force yourself to look away from the mirror in fear that you’d successfully be able to convince yourself not to go to school today—the way you’ve been telling yourself last night.

Heeseung. Heeseung. Heeseung.

He’s the thought of your dreams, and he remains polluting your thoughts even as you grab your bag to head for the door. Maybe if you walk fast enough, you won’t be able to catch him in the hallways.

48 hours is not enough for recomposition.

You just have to keep your footsteps fast, one step after the other in a quickened pace—

“Oh, sorry!” You collide with a firm figure, almost falling back but his hands find yours quick enough to pull you back on your feet.

“Woah, careful, angel.” You could recognize that voice anywhere.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You’re absolutely fucked.

“Let me grab that for you.” Heeseung falls into practiced routine, grabbing the bag that’s slung around your shoulders before he switches the direction from which he was walking. “I thought we were walking to school together?”

“Oh.” Your eyes travel anywhere but to his, suddenly hypnotized by the gravel of the cemented ground. Maybe it can hear your silent prayers to swallow you up right now. “I thought since we weren’t fake dating anymore, there wouldn’t be a reason for you to still walk me to school.”

His eyebrows are furrowed as you speak, but he still manages to let out a chuckle when he finally hears your reasoning out. It’s enough for heat to rise to your face—the warm, red, embarrassing kind. You feel embarrassed.

“Don’t be silly.” A playful flick to your forehead, his other hand brushing against yours as you keep walking. “I’ll always walk you to school. I’m not gonna stop just because we aren’t dating anymore.”

Heeseung’s voice is teasing, especially when he utters the word dating. It hurts you for more than it should, for more reasons than you can comprehend. It’s because you know. You know not a single moment was real to him. Not in the way it was for you.

You don’t even realize the distance you’ve walked, and that you’re in front of your first class of the day from the clammy way your hands felt and the way the ground shook with every step you took. It’s only when Heeseung hands you back your bag are you able to ground yourself back to reality for a few seconds.

“I’ll see you later.” On instinct, Heeseung grabs the back of your head to pull you close so he can place a quick kiss on your forehead. It’s a lazy peck, but it feels so routine. So natural.

It’s only when he gains sight of your wide eyes does he realize what he’d just done. Cue his sheepish smile and shy scratching at the back of his head paired with a string of apologies. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

You wave him off politely, telling him it was fine and quickly slipping into your classroom before you can say anything else. You don’t trust yourself, and the words forming in your mouth. You know yourself too well.

The next time Heeseung slips up is only a few days later. He tells himself it can’t be helped, with the way your hand’s brushing against his like it’s begging to be held. He doesn’t say anything else when he takes your hand in his, doesn’t even look at you. He only buries your intertwined hands into the pockets of his hoodie as you resume your walk together.

“Heeseung?” You ask. Almost hopeful.

“Hm?” He doesn’t acknowledge what’s happening, simply squeezes your hand as you continue to walk down the path towards where you live. Then, he tells you goodbye as you’re still in the middle of trying to process whatever the hell is going on.

The third time he does it, you’re convinced he’s doing it on purpose. Especially when he easily pulls you on his lap during one of your movie nights with the boys, keeping you in his hold and pulling you back so you’re resting against his chest. Cold palms rest around your waist, fiddling with the end of your shirt as his eyes remain fixed on the television.

He doesn’t say anything when you look at him with a questioning look, simply pulls your head back so it’s flush against his neck.

Later, he apologizes and tells you it was simply out of the habit of fake dating you for the whole month of May.

+

“What’s going on with you and (Name)?”

It’s Jay that breaks Heeseung’s train of thoughts.

“What do you mean?” He replies, conversation slipping easily though his eyes are elsewhere in the room. Scanning. Looking for you.

“I thought you fake broke up but why are you still holding her hand every chance you get?” It’s harsh and straightforward, but it’s something Heeseung needs to hear.

He stands still, unperturbed by Jay’s sudden stab of his thoughts. It’s hard not to look at you when you’re smiling like that with your friends. And it’s even harder not to stare when Jay reminds him of his actions and he feels his hand itch to hold yours again.

“You’re hopeless.” Jay throws him a pat in the back, rolling his eyes at his best friend. “You should tell her. You might regret it if you don’t.”

A defense is brewing in Heeseung’s throat, but it’s all in vain. He knows how he feels, and he should’ve seen it coming. A month of falling into the way you smile at him was not his brightest idea—then again, he didn’t think he’d fall in the first place.

But every look, every smile, every kiss, every time you reached for his hand was a step towards his eventual realization that he’s been burying his feelings for so long, refusing for them to surface only for them to blow up in his face and spring up all at once.

Jay is right. He’s hopeless, and he might as well fall into the coffin he’d made for himself. Ever since that day at the wedding, he’d spent every day missing you—even if you were just there.

He still misses you, misses the feeling he gets when you tiptoe just to kiss his cheek, the same feeling he gets when you run a hand through his hair. Your hands. Your lips.

Then he’s suddenly aware of you making your way to him. Could you possibly feel the same when you don’t look at him the way you did that fateful Month? It only reminds him that you’re no longer fake dating, and he has to fight himself from reaching out to hold your hand the way he did for those 31 days.

He finds he can’t stop thinking about you, even as June starts to end. It’s almost been a month, but every day he finds an excuse to hold your hand and tell you it’s just out of habit.

Heeseung is a liar, but your feeble heart cannot discern his lies for the life of it.

Heeseung looks back at May, at the depth of his words that one time you had coffee with Yujin. How falling for you had happened along the lines of me walking you home everyday, and you waiting for him to finish practice even though it’d run really long. Somewhere along those fleeting moments, Heeseung’s heart had started to expand and beat tenfold around you.

And he’d hoped that maybe even as May ended, you’d both just carry on as if there was nothing of pretense in the way you looked at each other. He’s had to break your gaze multiple times the month before, afraid that you’d see how real everything had become for him.

It’s still you in his mind as he walks you home, quiet streets aside from the quiet chirping of crickets in the distance. His hand is on yours again, and you’ve long decided to just let him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” You attempt to pull your hand away, but Heeseung remains unmoving from his spot. His eyes are on your intertwined hands before they’re on yours, and you have to physically keep yourself standing from the sudden wave that hits you when you meet his eyes. He’s looking at you different, as if there’s something hidden that wants to be solicited.

Then he pulls you close. A calculated tug enough that your faces are inches apart from each other. He has stripped his exterior from you, offering you nothing but his softness and his eyes that are feverishly staring at your lips.

“Last month? Did it mean anything to you?” He starts, and your heart stutters at the question. Had you been obvious all along?

“What?” You gulp. You swear you’re being tested everyday, for how longer you can keep hiding your feelings.

“Did last month mean anything to you?”

“I don’t know what you mean. Look, I have to get back inside to… to…“

Your brain is telling you to get in, make up any excuse to get in your house and avoid this conversation and—

“Would you be mad if I kissed you right now?” You freeze in your spot at the words he utters. He’s leaning closer and closer with every word, lips hovering over yours. Almost hesitant.

He gives you time to pull away, to step back, to leave him there. You look at his eyes, in search of any form of pretense but it all looks so real. So genuine. And his lips look so kissable.

So you bite the bullet.

When you finally close the gap between your lips, a relieved sigh falls from his before he tilts his head to kiss you properly. He brings a hand to the back of your head, pushing your lips closer on his until it’s all he can feel, until you’re all he can taste. His kiss feels gentle, but desperate all the same and you return it by putting years worth of feelings into his lips.

He doesn’t fight the smile on his face when you pull away from the kiss, forehead pressed against yours as he closes his eyes to cement this moment and every detail into memory.

“Last month meant something to you?” You whisper, and he nods in confession. “I didn’t lie when I said you were more than a best friend to me. Then you pushed me to dance with her, and I thought it was your way of rejecting me.”

“I’ve been in love with you for years, Hee.” You laugh at how stupid everything is, how dumb your situation was, and he laughs back.

“So you’re telling me I could’ve been holding you like this for years?” He asks, and you nod with a lovesick smile plastered on your lips. He hums, leaning down to place a quick peck on your lips. “And kissing you like this?”

“Hm.” You hum.

“Guess I’ll have to make up for lost time then.”

Heeseung pulls you tighter against his chest, chin on the top of your head as he sways the two of you back and forth. He delays the moment, anything to keep it from ending. Nothing but the moon and the streetlights and the chirping of crickets and the beating of your hearts accompany you. A heartbeat, then another. A quiet confession of love.

And just as fast as May wilted away, June begins to blossom.

[umgeorge]

pole-sitter george russell is interviewed during the post-qualifying press conference, canada - june 8, 2024 (transcript under the cut)

Interviewer: "A very warm welcome to the top three qualifiers for the FIA Formula 1 Canadian Grand Prix. In third place, Lando Norris; in second place, Max Verstappen; and taking the second pole position of his Formula 1 career and his first here in Montreal, the pole-sitter, George Russell. George, many congratulations. What a session; literally nothing to separate you and Max in the end. Start by giving us your reaction to what's just happened." George: "Yeah, such a buzz. It's been a while since we've experienced this feeling, and so much hard work going on behind the scenes back in Brackley, at Brixworth, and it's been a little while to be able to sort of get back into the fight. And we've almost felt like all of that hard work hasn't been paying off, but I think these last two race weekends has really shown that, and, as I said, we've been so fast all weekend. Q3 was probably our worst session of the three, and bodes well for tomorrow." Interviewer: "As you say, it has been a while. It's been nearly two years since you took that pole in Hungary. Were you getting impatient for it to happen again?" George: "To be honest this weekend's been really challenging to know because of the conditions yesterday. You've had rain around all weekend, and then this morning Lewis was absolutely flying and he was well ahead of me, and had to look a lot into his data, try and understand what he was doing differently, and [laughs] to be honest that helped me a huge amount ahead of this qualifying. And just so glad that we could pull it off, because I feel like we really deserve it for all of this hard work we've been putting in, and the car's been feeling awesome this weekend." Interviewer: "Well, look, where is the car better this wekeend? Tell us about it." George: "Well, it always feels better when your name's towards the top of the timesheets, to be honest, but it's just turning really nicely through the corners. I think we stuggled a lot with understeer before. Last year we had a lot of oversteer, and we've sort of been just trying to find the halfway house between what we had last year and what we had this year, and it feels like we're sort of dialing in that sweet spot right now. So feels like something we've been saying for a long time, in all honesty, but it's just really a sense of relief to actually see it translate into a pole position." Interviewer: "And tell us about the conditions. We saw you have a big moment, I think it was at turn four in Q2. How difficult was it out there?" George: "Yeah, it was really challenging, to be honest. All weekend, every single session and every lap has been changing. The sun comes out, the track temperature warms up, then the clouds come in, it's spitting, and it's just really, really difficult to find that sweet spot. And my lap on the used tire was really, really strong in Q3 and I was expecting to find about three or four-tenths for the second lap on the new tire, and we actually just… It didn't click, but it was fortunate enough the first lap was good enough for pole." Interviewer: "So the race tomorrow, we've had very little dry running. What are your predictions?" George: "I think it's gonna be a tough race for everybody, to be honest. Graining seems to be an issue, and this new track surface, nobody really knows how it's going to pan out. But we've got to go for victory, where the car is genuinely really, really fast at the moment. But it's gonna be a long race, I think. As soon as you fall off that cliff of the tires tomorrow it's gonna be really difficult to recover, so yeah, it could be a bit of a strategic game. Maybe not as extreme as we saw in Monaco last week, but maybe something similar." Interviewer: "Alright. Very well done. Best of luck."

[time jump] Journalist: "Jake Boxall-Legge, Autosport. Question for George, please. You mentioned that you didn't quite get it hooked up on the second lap, and Lewis didn't improve, either. Was it just the nature of the conditions, with the weather changing, or did you just get the most out of it on the first one?" George: "Yeah, the conditions were changing. I think we were one of the last to do our laps-I don't know when Max did his lap-but my lap in Q2 was really, really strong. My first lap in Q3 was really good; only I think two-tenths off what I did in Q2 on the old tire. So I was expecting to do probably three- or four-tenths ahead, like it's been all weekend, and the tires just didn't quite feel right, so it shows how sensitive everything was. And that was probably the first time that it didn't quite go our way, but, as I said, it goes to show how strong our pace has been this weekend. Q1, we didn't need to use two sets of tires. That was a first. Didn't really need to use two sets in Q2, either. It's sort of come from nowhere, but maybe not a surprise with the upgrades we've been bringing."

[time jump] Journalist: "The last couple of years has been difficult for Mercedes to fight for poles or for podiums. Did you sense any difference during this weekend, that this pole position you would be able to fight for?" George: "A hundred percent. I think every lap we've done this weekend, the car's been feeling good, we've always been at the upper end of the timesheets, and talking yesterday why do we think we were so competitive on FP1, FP2, and obviously in FP3 really fast as well. So we need to see in the next races if that continues, but obviously last week in Monaco we were a tenth from the front row, here on pole, and this is the first two races we've had with the upgrade, so yeah, time will tell. We don't want to get carried away with ourself, but yeah, it's looking good so far." Interviewer: "George, on this topic, Scott Mitchell-Malm from The Race has just asked this question: Talking about the upgrades, previous supposed breakthroughs haven't been sustainable for Mercedes, but does this feel rooted in something more real, is his question." George: "Yeah, one-hundred percent. I think, going back to what Lando was talking about, when you have a number of years with the same regulations, you sort of hone in on that sweet spot. And we've sort of been zig-zagging over these past couple of years, and, as we've probably entered the last six months those zig-zags have sort of narrowed and we've sort of really been able to fine-tune what it is we want from the car, and I think it just goes to show that small changes can actually bring big improvements of performance. We saw it with McLaren. I think ourselves have made a big jump, as well, especially in terms of the pecking order. So, as I said, let's see if this performance is sustainable, but right now I don't see any reason why not, and we think we've got more to come."

[pinehutch]

When I say that I want to be evil

what I mean is I want to be powerful. What I mean is I want to be free.

Some weeks ago I spent more money than I should have on my first ever (ever!) two-piece swimsuit. You have to understand that as a child I was told I was fat, and as a teen I was told I was fat, and as an adult I've always been fat*, and you can't read your way out of the shame caused not strictly by the word but by its connotations.

(I know, because I've tried. I have been trying for almost twenty years. Looking for plus-sized fashion brought me to the digital 'fatosphere.' It made me a better person as I learned about another dimension of intersectionality and about power and oppression. It made me feel like I could wear clothing that I liked. It made me more informed about the diet and wellness industry. It's been over 20 years since I first read a critique of the BMI; it's been almost as long since I started wondering why gros/se in my close-second language didn't have the same (haha) weight to it as fat does, in my first.)

At the tail end of June, days long and scorching, I stepped into a two-piece swimsuit with a deep-v neckline and my whole midsection exposed and I spent the day in full view of dozens (hundreds?) of strangers. Cold, cold water on the joints; warm, soft pools for the evening. My hair got bigger and bigger. My neck and chest sunburned. My midriff stayed comically, blindingly pale, and everything else? It was lovely; it was fine. I rarely thought about my body, unless it was 'this feels nice' or 'my swimsuit is so pretty.' I took a selfie, even, though I deleted it. I was worried that posting it would count as thirst-trapping; shame has cored out and replaced so much of me. It was a good pic, though, and I wish I'd kept it.

What was true of me that day: I was a quite tall, very fat femme person whose feet swell with arthritis and whose hair takes up the entire frame and who's had cellulite since grade eight. What else was true: many people complimented my swimsuit. I looked out across the valleys and the mountains from the top of my almost-six-feet. I let my shoulders roll back and smiled at the sight of my bare skin gone blue-wavering-dappled beneath the surface. I stood tall. I made eye contact. I enjoyed delightful company, and let that enjoyment extend to the simple pleasure of having a body that felt fairly good, in garments I had chosen for the joy of it.

You can't read your way out of shame; it's only part of the equation. I didn't go swimming the next day with my family members, because I didn't want to feel them looking at my body and being disappointed that What A Beautiful Girl turned out like I did (though: if What A Beautiful Girl then why You Need To Watch What You Eat?). But for an entire day I felt like anyone else, gentle enough, good enough, in my skin.

It would have been good for me to swim with my family that weekend, because I'm finding that - as in all things - the practice is important. You can't read your way out of shame, not entirely, but in working with and through it there's maybe a chance to rewrite our stories.

There's a fallacy that I think a lot of us fall into, when we're trying to counter and challenge fatphobia, both culturally and in ourselves. It's the fallacy of the Good Fat. It's why I want to tell you about how two-pieces are maybe a better swimwear choice for me because of the drastic difference between my tits and hips vs my waist. It's why I wanted to post that selfie, so people could shoutycaps and fire emoji me on twitter. It's why I want to craft this post into a narrative where spending a single day mostly-unburdened by body shame has led to a hot girl summer, and I'm walking for miles every day and going to the pool four times a week. (I'm not. I still have a day job, and writing to do, and a physical disability, and the ol' depression. I'm more active than I was three months ago, and working to improve that, but still. It's not a lot.)

It is, simply, the same lie as we tell ourselves along so many different axes of marginalization: that as long as we are exceptional in a way equal and opposite to our marginalization, we'll be fine. It's the model that says you earn the right to exist fat and unashamed by being healthy, by being active, by being hot. Sorry my hip is squished against yours on the airplane; at least I've got a nice face and good hair and am well-dressed, wanna admire my hip-to-waist ratio about it?

There's no such thing as a Good Fat because we live in an inherently fatphobic world. I mean: airplane seats are too small for anyone average sized. I mean: 20 years ago I was a size 16/18 and couldn't fit into the newer lecture hall seats at my university without a lot of stress and embarrassment. I mean: I can't buy a compression sleeve for my arthritic joints at the drug store. If I ever needed to take Plan B, it might not work because I weigh (as do most adults of my acquaintance) more than 165lbs. You cannot be hot enough or active enough or well-dressed enough to escape from this; the only option is to be Not Fat.

But why on earth would we want to accept this? We know the system is fucked up and evil, and so: we want to be evil. Just a little bit, just enough. We want to be hot villains. We want to serve cunt and to be cunts. We want to nailcare emoji, fire emoji, crown emoji, and we want to take no prisoners unless it's between our thick thick thighs. Sit on their face; if they die, they die. It's fun and sexy, in a world where "everything is sex, except sex, which is power" to dig in and grab handfuls of what looks like empowerment, fuck the rest of it, get what makes you feel best.

It's a mirage; freedom doesn't live there.

Because of course fat people are hot. Fat bodies are desirable. Fat bodies are strong, sometimes, and athletic, sometimes, and powerful in whatever way you'd like to read that. That's true no matter what.

And yet (this will hurt) fat bodies are still (I'm sorry, I'm so sorry) not good enough. If the system is the problem, your individual empowerment is not the (whole) solution.

When I say that I want to be evil, what I mean is I want to be free. I want the strange rare days I've known I was desirable because I was desired, specifically and individually. I want the days where I grant myself dignity. I want the day where I lived peacefully in my mostly-naked body around hundreds of strangers, and went to bed happy.

Reading is input, it's taking in. I can't read my way all the way out of fatphobia, out of body shame because that's like trying to put out a forest fire 2000km away by throwing baking soda on your stove element. (Not harmful, but insufficient and misdirected.) It has been so helpful to know that other people wrestle with all of this, in ways that are more intelligent and expert than mine; it doesn't change material reality, though.

It's not the shame that's the problem, but where it comes from. It's not my internalized fatphobia or low self-worth or lack of body confidence that keeps people from life-saving medical care because their doctors were obsessed with their weight instead of their symptoms. My soft abdomen has never shamed a stranger on the internet, my calves (never in tall boots) haven't forced someone to buy a second seat.

Maybe it's time that I redefine what I mean when I say I want to be evil. I want to be a hot villain that was justified in their takedown of the status quo. I want to put a crown on every head. I want these thick thighs under me as I pull you into my lap and love you, and to use those fire emojis to make room for new growth.

I want us all at the pool together, celebrating as the sun sets.

*I'm using "fat" to here mean something like "size 16 US women's or larger," but there's no good definition

[cowgurrrl]

From the Dining Table

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Author’s note: I feel like I should just leave the author’s note blank because there’s nothing I can do to make it better

Summary: “The love was there. It didn’t change anything. It didn’t save anyone. There were just too many forces against it. But it still matters that the love was there.” [4.5k]

Warnings: oh it’s so sad, mentions of bullying, hard conversations, goodbyes, June ruining everyone’s night yet again

Red Dirt Girl becomes the number one movie in America the first weekend it's in theatres. Box office numbers are insanely high, promising a high payout for everyone involved, and people are already talking about sweeping the competition during awards season. Peter sent flowers to your house to congratulate you, and you and Lilly are scheduled to do as much press together as possible before you leave for Ireland. It's the best-case scenario. So, why can't you let yourself feel good about it? 

Instead of basking in your accomplishments and the pride you feel for this project or going out to celebrate on the clear Friday night that settled over LA, you're packing boxes. You're only taking the things you can't live without, but going through your stuff and deeming what you need and don't is exhausting. The rooms in your house feel especially empty as you silently walk around, thinking your way through the tasks. You consider calling Ryan or your mom to fill the eerie quiet but decide against it. You'll have to talk about Joel if you call either of them, and you don't think you're ready for that yet. So, you open your notes app and try to find the strength to do at least one thing on your list of boring, necessary things that need to get done.

Your to-do list feels never-ending and daunting every time you glance at it. You haven't even thought about finding another manager despite it being the most pressing issue besides your move. You'd been with Mel since you came to LA and thought she'd be your manager for at least another four or five years. She wasn't perfect, but she always made sure your name was being spoken in the important rooms and fought tooth and nail for you. She was ruthless on your behalf. She got you to where you are today. That's not nothing. 

You sigh and pull your hair into a ponytail, debating on going through your books or closet, when a loud knock sounds from downstairs. To call it a knock is a little generous. It sounds like someone is pounding on your door, but you're not expecting anyone. You grab the baseball bat from your bedroom closet before walking down the stairs and approaching the front door. Your knuckles turn white around the grip as you peek through the peephole to see who could possibly be pounding on your door at nine pm. The second you figure out who it is, you drop the bat and scramble to open the door.

"Ellie?" You ask, cutting her off mid-raised fist. Her hair is in her face, and she's wearing her glasses, your porch light casting shadows over her eyes. A big backpack is slung over her big hoodie, and she looks distraught.

"My dad said I can still talk to you if I want. Is that true?" She asks breathlessly, and you look behind her to see if Joel or Sarah dropped her off but find nothing. You take a deep breath and nod.

"Come in," you say, opening the door wider for her to come in. She takes two long strides over your threshold and into your home while you wrack your brain about how to handle this. Is there a handbook out there for talking to your ex-boyfriend's daughter? "Please tell me you didn't ride your bike here."

"No, I took an Uber." She says nonchalantly as you follow her into your living room. You chuckle and turn to ask her if she wants water or a snack but stop yourself short when you finally get a look at her black eye.

"Oh, my God! What happened?" 

"It's not a big deal." She says as you force her to sit at your dining table, put her backpack down, and carefully take her glasses off her face. She winces when you put your hand on her chin to turn her face so you can see her eye better. Under the glow of your kitchen lights, you find a swelling bruise on her jaw and a cut on her nose. How did you not see her injuries in the dark? 

You rush around, gathering ice and a bandaid for her nose. She doesn't say anything as she sits there, looking pretty miserable, and your heart aches at the pout of her lips. You hand her an ice pack to hold to her head while you clean and bandage the cut across her nose. None of the bruises look especially scary, and despite a little blood staining her cheek, she's perfectly fine. You take out your phone flashlight and shine the light across her pupils, watching them dilate accordingly.

"Are you a nurse all of a sudden?" She asks, and you smile as you put your phone face down on the table in front of you. 

"No, but I've played them enough on TV to know how to check for a concussion."

"Oh, is that the requirement?" She asks, and you hum. She fights a smile as she breaks eye contact with you to look down at her hands, which you notice are also bruised and cracked. "Dad told me you guys broke up." She says quietly. She looks so defeated with her slouched posture and nervous foot tapping. You know now is not a time to lie to her.

"Yeah, we did."

"Why?"

"It's complicated." 

"That's exactly what Dad said," she says. The idea of you and Joel parroting each other from opposite sides of the city pulls all the air from you and leaves you floundering. "I'm not a kid. You can tell me what happened." And she's right. She's fourteen. She's old enough to understand how relationships work, but you don't know if it's your place to tell her what happened. You don't know what you're allowed to tell her. You don't know if you're overstepping or how to fix it if you are. 

"Sometimes," you start uncertainly, hoping the words will find you along the way. "Sometimes, two people can really care about each other, but that doesn't mean they'll be together forever or even good for each other." You say, and she makes a face.

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it does," you sigh. "Now that I told you that, can you tell me why you're showing up at my doorstep at nine o'clock at night?" You change the subject, and she bites her bottom lip as her foot tapping speeds up. 

"Dad and I got into a fight." 

"Does it have anything to do with your shiner?" You ask, nodding in the direction of her black eye.

"He didn't even try to hear my side of the story!"

"Which is?" You ask, and she very quickly dives into a story of a kid who's been picking on her all year. She said she told Joel what was happening, and he said something about ignoring it or talking to the teacher, which wasn't working. Apparently, the kids' parents are some big-shot tech people the teachers don't like dealing with, so they were just gonna let him do whatever until the end of the school year. Today, he said something along the lines of Sarah's mom coming back and Ellie's mom never being able to.

"And I never even knew her! But that's still my fucking mom, and I know how sensitive Sarah is about Angela, and I just got so angry that I hit him. A lot." She says like she's waiting for you to argue with her, but you can't even imagine yelling at her after hearing that. You open your phone and open your notes app.

"What's your teacher's name?" You ask. She tells you, and you have to take several deep breaths to stop yourself from finding the teacher's phone number and calling him to ask him if he thinks it's acceptable for a student to taunt another student's dead mother. "I'll call the school on Monday, okay? That kind of behavior is disgusting, and you were justified in what you did." You say, grabbing her hand and squeezing. She nods and smiles softly as she looks at you, her dark brown eyes looking right through you. 

"You know, I don't usually like most of the people my dad dates," she says. "But I really liked you." Her use of the past tense cuts deep inside you, and you swallow thickly.

"Yeah. I like you too," you smile. "But, just because your dad and I aren't together anymore doesn't mean we can't still hang out or talk. I still care about you and your sister, and I've got quite a few movies I still need to watch." You say, and she nods, but there's something sad in her movements. You wonder if Joel told the girls about Ireland and how they reacted. Even if he didn't, Ellie is smart. She sees the boxes in your living room and the stuff piled together. She knows something is happening. Something that will impede future movie nights and emergency visits in the middle of the night. She shifts in her seat and lets go of your hand to tug at her ponytail, effectively retracting from you.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Did you love my dad?" She asks, and you bite the inside of your cheek, shaking your head. You think about lying or just not answering her question altogether, but that's not fair. She opened up to you. She trusted you, and you know what it feels like to have that trust broken or not reciprocated. You stare into her eyes and try to not get emotional.

"Yeah, I did." 

"Did you break up because of us?" 

"Honey, no. No, not at all," you say, perching on the edge of your chair so your knees are touching. "Your dad and I... have very different lives and schedules, and we tried. We really, really tried, but I don't think the timing is right for us. I don't know if it'll ever be right for us, but you and your sister had nothing to do with why we broke up, okay?" You say, slouching a little to get in her eye line, and she nods. "When I found out about you guys, I wasn't scared or intimidated. I was excited because your dad only ever told me how beautiful, and brilliant, and amazing, and kind his daughters were, but when I met you, you exceeded all that. You and Sarah have become two of my favorite people on this planet, and there will never be a time when I don't cheer you guys on or want what's absolutely best for you. I mean, if I didn't like you, do you think I would've opened the door?" You ask, and she laughs. The sound makes you smile, and you put your hand on her knee. 

"You, Ellie Miller, are going to do incredible things, and I can't wait to watch it." 

"Thank you." She says softly, and you nod. There, in your kitchen, you share a quiet moment with Ellie where neither of you needs to say anything more. The love says everything you can't bring yourself to voice just yet. If you squint, you can imagine what her mother must've looked like. All big eyes and toothy grins and wavy hair. But even without any actual Miller DNA flowing through her veins, you see Joel, too. You see how he raises his eyebrows or can't hide what he's thinking to save his life. You see his smile. You see his kindness and anxiety. You see all the best parts of him. This time with her feels like a warm hug, as much as a goodbye. Nostalgic and sad and welcome all at the same time. You don't know when you'll be able to sit at a table with Ellie Miller and just stare at her again, but you know if you never see her again, you can count yourself lucky to have met such an amazing young woman. She must make her mom so proud.

"You know I have to call your dad to tell him you're here, right?" You ask quietly, and she nods. You sit there for another second before grabbing your phone and walking into the next room to call Joel. Your heart pounds in your chest as you stare at his contact information, a picture of him with his tongue out still set as his contact photo. You took it on Facetime when he was still in Texas. He was complaining about how his stomach hurt from eating too much barbeque, and he was pretending to be dead. Even after everything, it still makes you smile. You press the call button before you lose the courage to do so. He picks up on the second ring.

"Hey, I can't really talk right now. Ellie and I got into a fight, and she ran off, and I don't know what to do. Has she talked to you? Do you know where she might be?" He says quickly, sounding frantic as he shuffles with something on the other end.

"Yeah, she showed up on my doorstep about thirty minutes ago. She's fine. A little upset, but she's safe." You say and hear him sigh with relief. 

"Thank God. Okay, I'm comin' to get her. Can you keep her there until I can get to your house?"

"Of course."

"Thank you," he says. Neither of you immediately ends the call, but you don't say anything either. You can hear him breathing and imagine him standing there, flush with worry, and grinding his teeth despite the number of times you've told him to stop. It's the closest you two have been in weeks. "I really fucked up." He finally says, and you take a breath.

"All the best parents do."

"Yeah?" He asks, that familiar lilt returning to his voice. Your heart squeezes, and you nod.

"Yeah. Reminds your kids that you're human too."

"I guess," he says. It's quiet for another five seconds before he clears his throat. "Thank you for takin' care of her."

"She's a good kid."

"Yeah, she is." 

"I'll..." you start. You know you're talking in circles but don't want to get off the phone. He waits you out. "I'll see you soon." You finally say, and the phone moves against his ear.

"See you soon." He says, hesitating before ending the call. You exhale and stare at his contact photo for another second before locking your phone and walking back to the main living area. Ellie has moved from the dining room table to the couch, an old leather-bound book in her hands. You tilt your head to read the title. Much Ado About Nothing. One of your favorite Shakespeare plays that you never got to do. You perch on the edge of the couch near Ellie and smile when she puts her book down to look at you.

"That book looks older than you." 

"That's 'cause it is. It was my dad's in high school." She says, and you look at her, confused. 

"What?"  

"Yeah. He said his music teacher bought it for him or something. Dad really liked him. Wrote his name down in the acknowledgments in his first album and everything." She shrugs like it's nothing. Suddenly, you're back in New York with Joel, his hand over your heart as he listens to you recite a centuries-old monologue.

"He told me he didn't study Shakespeare in school."

"He probably didn't want you to know he's a massive nerd. He loves it. He made us go to the Globe Theatre when we were in England. It was actually pretty cool," she yawns. "I'm tired. Can I go lay down in one of the beds until my dad gets here?" 

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's fine. My room is up the stairs and to the left. I just got new pillows, so that'll probably be the most comfortable." You say, your brain still struggling to piece together what she just said. She yawns again and gives you a thumbs-up before standing with her book in hand and disappearing up the stairs.

Joel told you he didn't know anything about something you, apparently, both love. Why? Was he quizzing you? Was he trying to figure out if you actually know what you're talking about? Or was he trying to get another perspective? Did he pretend not to know so you could explain it to him in your own way? How the fuck did you not know? You want to call and ask him all these things, but you don't. You wait.

You rotate between anxiously pacing your living room, checking on Ellie (who's snoring in your bed with the book open next to her), organizing and reorganizing your stuff into boxes. Anything to keep your mind busy until Joel can get there. From the time you ended the call to when your front door opened and closed quietly, twenty minutes had passed, but it felt like a lifetime. Joel walks into the living room like it's his own house and smiles when he sees you, looking around the room for Ellie. He wearing his own glasses and a plain black shirt with jeans. The bags under his eyes are prominent, and his hair is messy. He looks exhausted.

"She went upstairs to lie down and fell asleep. I didn't want to wake her up." You answer his unspoken question, and he nods, his shoulders visibly dropping.

"No, that's okay. I'm glad she's gettin' some rest," he says, sighing deeply. "Did she tell you bout our fight?" 

"A little bit, yeah," you say, and he grimaces. You glance between the place where you and Ellie were sitting and him. "Do you wanna sit?" You ask, and he nods. Carefully, without even grazing each other, you sit across from him and stare at him. You don't know what you're supposed to say. You don't know if you're supposed to say anything. 

"You still doin' that movie with Pike?" He beats you to it, and you nod. There's no frustration or anger in his question, only curiosity. 

"I leave for Ireland in two weeks." 

"Ireland's beautiful." 

"It is." You say, not sure how else to respond. He shifts in his seat and looks at his hands as he nervously taps a rhythm into your table. 

"Thank you again for takin' her in and makin' sure she was safe. I really appreciate it." He says.

"I'm just happy she knew she could come here."

"Me too," he says. "Can we... do you wanna... I just need to say I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, but I did, and I'm sorry. I should've been better and more honest and less of a dick. You didn't deserve that." He word vomits, and your fingers twitch to reach for his. You take a deep breath and stare at him, watching his emotions play out behind his glasses.

"Thank you for apologizing," you say. "And I'm sorry, too. For everything. I wish things could be different."

"We could start over. Maybe try again," he says, his voice sad like he's trying, but he knows your answer won't change. "I don't... I don't know how to do this. But I wanna learn. I wanna learn for you." His words cut straight through to your heart, and your eyes flutter shut. You pinch the inside of your thigh to stop tears from forming, and take a shaky breath. He doesn't rush you. When you open your eyes, he's staring at you like you hung the moon and the stars.

"Sarah's gonna need you as she figures her mom out. It's gonna be hard, and she loves you more than I've ever seen a teenage girl love her dad. Ellie's gonna feel out of place, and she's gonna need you too. It wouldn't be fair to any of you to add this," you gesture between the two of you. "To that mix. It'd be too much. None of us would feel good about it. We'd all walk away a little burned and lot pissed off. I don't want that for us." You say, and he nods.  

"It's a nice dream." He says sadly.

"It is," you agree. "Can I ask you a question?"

"'Course." 

"When did it stop being fake for you?" You ask. He shakes his head, and his Adam's apple bobs.

"It was never fake for me. It just took me a little longer to figure out," he says, and you pinch your thigh again. "What bout you?"

"Texas," you admit, only a little ashamed at how late your answer is in comparison. "When you called me every day from Texas. That's when it stopped being fake for me," a tear spills from your eye, and Joel wipes it away before you can. His thumb is warm and familiar, and you almost lean into his touch before it can disappear completely. "This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"Do I, at least, get to know what songs on the newest album are about me?" You joke, and he laughs. He presses his lips together and rests his head on his hand as he looks at you.

"All of 'em," he says. "All of 'em are about you. Bout meetin' you or the way you talk in your sleep, but a lot of 'em are about New York."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah."

"That was a good time," you say. "Ellie, um... Ellie told me about your trip to the Globe Theatre. Told me all about how much her dad loves Shakespeare," he chuckles like a kid caught with candy, and you smile. "Why'd you tell me you didn't know anything about it?"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "I really don't. I was thinkin' bout it the other day, and I just remembered seein' how much you loved it. Your eyes got real wide, and you got so excited, and I just... wanted to hear you talk about it. I think I would've stayed there with you all day if I could've." He says. You have to look away from him to hide to tears pooling in your eyes. 

This shouldn't be this hard. You're supposed to meet someone you love, and nothing else matters, and you get to be with that person forever. It's hard, but you get your whole lives to figure it out together. Who did you hurt in a past life that took this opportunity away? It's not fair. You want to rip the sky apart and scream at God and demand an explanation. You want someone to blame. You want more time. You want him, and not just the good parts that made you fall in love with him. You want the broken and ridged parts he's still hiding from you. You want the parts he hates. You want to lay them out on the table and show him you don't flinch when they catch the light. 

He puts his hand on your shoulder as tears fall from your eyes, and you sniffle. His thumb presses soothingly into your skin, and you let him. You shouldn't, but you do. You don't fall into his arms and sob like you want to. No, just like every juncture of your life thus far, you let yourself cry quietly and without fuss because there are things to do. And when you're done, you turn to look at him and see tears staining his cheeks too. You cover his hand with yours and squeeze his fingers, and he takes a deep breath.

"What are we gonna do now?" He asks. You pull his hand off your shoulder and hold it in your lap, both your hands covering his large one. You smile through your tears and kiss the top of his hand.

"I'm gonna go to Ireland, and you're gonna release your album. It'll hit the top of the charts overnight, and people will be singing your praises from the rooftops and speculating on what different songs mean like they always do. I'll lie in interviews and say I haven't listened to it, but I will because it'll be yours. You and the girls and Tommy'll go on tour, and I'll be there filming, and we'll try to talk when we can, but our schedules will get in the way until we don't think about each other all the time. I'll probably lose my mind because it rains so much in Ireland, and you'll go from selling out stadiums to crying at Sarah's graduation. And we'll both work way more than we should. And life'll go on like we were never really here," you say. "And maybe one day, when we're in LA at the same time, and nothing is stopping us and our schedules align, we'll get a coffee. And we'll talk. And we'll try again." You wipe Joel's tears away and try to keep yourself from falling apart. 

"I'll mark it on my calendar." He says, and you laugh. You squeeze his hand and nod.

"I'm counting on it, Miller."

You sit there for a few more minutes before you stand and hug him. It's quick. It has to be, but it's enough to settle your heart for a moment. Joel goes upstairs, scoops Ellie in his arms, and carefully carries her out to his car. He buckles her in and turns on the air conditioning so she doesn't get too hot in the California night. You stand outside, watching him be a dad, with your arms crossed over your chest. He shuts the door quietly and walks over to you.

"I hope you have a lot of fun in Ireland." He says sincerely.

"Thank you," you say. "I hope you have a great tour."

"Thanks," he nods. He looks over his shoulder to check on Ellie in the passenger seat before turning back to you. "I should get her home. She's had a long day."

"Of course." 

"I'll, uh... I'll see you around, okay?" He asks, and your heart jumps to your throat.

"I'll see you around, Joel." With that, he walks to the driver's side door, and you walk back toward your house, the space between you growing and growing as you get further away. Your chest hurts, and you know you're gonna go inside to cry some more, but you don't turn around. Not until he calls your name.

"I love you," he says from where he's standing in front of his truck. "And I don't expect you to say anything or change your mind, but I wanted you to know. I love you." Your hands are shaking, and your throat feels like it's tightening, but you manage to give him a weak smile.

"I love you, too." 

And then, he gets in his car and drives away with his daughter in the front seat. You go back to your empty house and your piles of stuff, and you cry, and in the back of your mind, you think, if I never speak to Joel Miller again, I think that's okay. I think it has to be.

[sophie-hatter-jenkins]

Teddy

Written for @hinnymicrofic November 2023 - Prompt 9

Ginny sat on a plastic garden chair on the patio at the back of the cottage, nursing a glass of iced lemonade. She took a deep breath, and allowed the June sunshine to warm her skin, stretching her legs out in front of her and lifting her face to the sky. The whole summer seemed to stretch out in front of her - the season was done, the Harpies had finished a creditable fourth. Rest and relaxation beckoned, for a little while at least.

If she listened closely, she could just about hear the sea, gently lapping at the shore, just beyond the hedge at the end of the garden. High overhead, seagulls cawed and wheeled, and there was just the faintest tang of saltwater in the air. It was difficult to overstate just how much she loved this place. Oh, Grimmauld Place was fine, particularly since the renovations got completed, but Ginny had always been a country girl at heart, and there was just something very special about this stretch of the Welsh coast, as far west as you could go. It felt like being at the very edge of the world, a place of big skies and even bigger seas, beautiful in its isolation. That, she thought, was probably what Harry loved most about it. 

No one bothered them here. Yes, of course, they had every ward and protection known to wizard kind, but barely anyone ever ventured out this way anyway, barring the occasional Muggle walking their dog along the beach. Otherwise, there was nothing here but peace and quiet - the perfect refuge from the constant noise, stress and pressure of each of their chosen professions. 

Of course, the moment that particular thought crossed her mind, the peace and quiet was utterly shattered, by the shrieks of an over-excited five-year-old accompanied by his godfather, making their way back from the beach. Teddy’s hair was bright yellow, a sure sign of the heady mix of happiness and excitement that accompanied much of a weekend stay in Pembrokeshire.

“Can I go on the trampoline now, Harry?” he asked. “Please? I promise I won’t bounce too high! Just for a little while?” 

“Okay, okay!” Harry held up his hands in mock surrender, although of course Ginny knew perfectly well his answer had never been in doubt. “Just until Granny comes to take you home.”

“Yay! Best day ever!” yelled Teddy, dashing towards the corner of the garden where Harry had installed the trampoline. “Come on with me Harry! Let’s bounce together!”

Ginny suppressed a laugh. When Harry had explained the Muggle concept of a garden trampoline to her, she had been incredulous, let alone when he insisted on buying one for Teddy. There was, after all, a wide selection of Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes products that would have produced a similar effect, but Harry had insisted. Eventually, after much prodding, he had confessed that he had always been jealous of the one that Dudley had at Privet Drive one summer, which Harry was, predictably, banned from using. Ginny had subsequently teased him repeatedly with the suggestion that the trampoline was as much for Harry himself as it was for Teddy. 

Harry looked up at her, as he trailed after Teddy towards the trampoline. He waved, and gave her one of those crooked grins that still made her heart skip, no matter how many years had passed. Seeing her laughter, he shrugged, wordlessly telling her that yeah, okay. You got me.

Teddy was leaping higher and higher, giggling as Harry joined him, and used his own weight in counterbalance to catapult Teddy into the air. Teddy squealed with delight, though Harry’s own face was no less joyful. Even a perfect stranger would have been under no doubt that he adored the little boy

Just then, Teddy veered just a touch too close to the springs at the edge, and in a flash, Harry’s hand was at his back, gently guiding away before Teddy even really knew it had happened. There was no real danger given the number of cushioning charms that had been cast ‘just in case’, but watching them, Ginny felt a warmth spread through her chest, and a contented smile settled on her lips. 

She remembered being more than a bit daunted at taking on caring for Teddy (albeit on an occasional and very much second-fiddle basis), in the aftermath of the battle. Back then, she was still mourning Fred, dealing with her own trauma and attempting to repair her relationship with Harry, even before adding an actual baby into the mix. It had been a lot. Now, she wouldn’t have it any other way. Seeing Harry with his godson, all the time, energy and patience that he had for the little boy, brought her so much joy that she wondered if her chest could burst with it. 

Checking her watch, Ginny saw it was close to four o’clock; Andromeda would be arriving soon. Harry would be disappointed to have to say goodbye for Teddy, but Ginny was pretty sure she would be able to cheer him up.

She wondered exactly how she would phrase it, when the time came. She didn’t have long to decide - only until the green flames signalling Teddy’s departure died down in the fireplace, she reckoned. If she kept it to herself any longer, she was worried she might actually explode, and she decided just to trust that she would find the right words when she needed to. 

She glanced back down the garden one more time, to see Andromeda at the gate, and Harry helping Teddy down from the trampoline. Without even realising it, Ginny’s hand moved gently to settle on her stomach, and the smile became a grin as one thought swirled into her head with absolute certainty.

He’s going to make a brilliant dad.

[armored-angel4798]

CW: The relationship starts getting a little toxic. A lot of angst.

“Hey Steve, are you and Eddie going to see the Christmas lights this weekend?” One of his coworkers asked as they were running food for the drive thu.

“We haven’t really talked about it.” Steve answered.

They really hadn’t talked about much of anything. They mostly did exactly what they were doing before just with the “it’s actually a date this time.” Sure they’ve had dinner at a restaurant a few times, sure they’ve watched a movie once or twice, but they didn’t talk. It’s almost Christmas they had been together since June and Steve felt alone in this relationship. Matter of fact, Steve had never felt so alone. He knows that it’s his own fault that he feels alone. He had stopped hanging out with almost everyone except Eddie. Not because Eddie made him, no, he just thought that, maybe, if he spent more time with Eddie then he would love him just a little bit. At least enough to actually show Steve instead of sounding like it pained him to say it and making a face when he heard it from Steve.

“Jake is gonna take me Saturday night, you two should come, we can make it a double date!”

He knows Anna means well and is not trying to rub her perfect relationship in Steve’s face but he couldn’t stop feeling like she was. Maybe, maybe if it was a double date Eddie would say he loved Steve without sad expressions and forced tones.

“Yeah, I’ll ask Eddie if he wants to go and let you know later.”

Eddie agreed, begrudgingly. They were going to meet Anna and Jake at 5 Saturday evening and Steve was excited. What could be more romantic than Christmas lights. Maybe it would help Eddie see him the way Steve sees Eddie.

Steve was buzzing with excitement for all of Saturday. He went to work, had a surprisingly good day, and went home to get ready. He was in his favorite forest green sweater and his best jeans that make his ass pop and he settled in on the couch to wait. He waited, and waited, and waited. He waited long enough that his parents got home from work. He checked his phone. No messages. It was 8pm. He didn’t think it was possible. How? Why? He cried. Right there on the couch. He had never been stood up before. It took everything he had to get off of that couch and go in to work the next morning.

His shift that Sunday was with Robin.

“So, how was the double date last night?”

“It, uh, it didn’t happen.”

“It got called off?”

“Uh… something like that.”

“You were so excited!”

“Yeah, but, uh, we didn’t make it.”

“I would think you’re implying something, Steve, if you didn’t look like someone shot your dog.”

“I’m fine. Really, Robin, we just couldn’t make it.”

Steve wasn’t really sure why he couldn’t bring himself to tell Robin the truth. It was embarrassing, but Robin pretty much knew every embarrassing thing about his life, so that couldn’t be it. He settled on the fact that he really didn’t want Robin to be mad at Eddie. Eddie didn’t have a whole lot of friends and he knows that Robin would always take Steve’s side no matter what. The rest of the shift was spent mindlessly taking orders and bagging food as he thought about whether last night was Eddie’s way of ending their relationship or not. Robin kept giving him sad looks like she knew what he wasn’t telling her. Really, everyone on the crew was giving him sad looks. He should’ve known that it wouldn’t stay a secret. The people he works with are such gossips. He just wanted to go home and cry.

2023 realities How the relationship started.

[stephstars08]

Still Alive ~ Chapter Seven

Ethan Landry x Reader

Warnings: Adult Language, Ghostface Attack, Blood, Angst a tiny bit of Fluff, Anxiety, Trauma, Mention of Murder, Mental Breakdown, Trust Issues, Death Threats, Weapons, and Cliff Hanger. (Sorry if I forgot any!)

Word Count: 2,861

Author’s Note: Hello Everyone! I hope everyone’s holiday weekend is going good so far! Just wanted to update you all on more of my writing. The story I am working on right now won’t be ready to post till I would say the middle of June. It’s just taking me a little bit longer to write it since the chapters are going to be long. I apologize, I will try to stay active on here by posting other types of media. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Already warning you now that this chapter and next chapter will be all angst. Also they both will be ending in a cliffhanger! Next chapter will be posted on Friday!

When Kirby notified Sam and Tara that the killer is at Gale’s home, they stole Detective Bailey’s cop car to get to Gale as fast as they could. Y/N was sitting in the passenger seat while she gave Kirby the directions while she drove as fast as she could. Ethan, Chad, and Mindy stayed in the back of the van. As Kirby drove Y/N kept reassuring herself that her mom was going to be okay. Her mom is a fighter. Her mom has been attacked by every single Ghostface and has turned out just fine. But at the same time, that’s what she thought about when her dad went to save Tara. She couldn’t help but worry that when she gets there, her mom could be laying on the floor all bloody like her father. Y/N can’t lose Gale. Gale is the only blood relative that she has left. She can’t lose her mom the same way she lost her dad.

“Right there.” Y/N pointed to the building her mom lives in. Kirby parked the truck right in front of the building. Y/N quickly took off her seatbelt and got out of the van. She ignored everyone calling out to her and ran into the building. She knew it was stupid going up there without a weapon knowing Ghostface could still be up there, but she didn’t care. She had to know if her mom was okay. She was going to take the elevator but knew that it could take too long so she bolted to the stairs. She ran all the way up the stairs to the top floor since her mom lives in the penthouse. When she got to the front door it was wide open. Y/N wasn’t going to lie, she was fucking terrified to go in there, but she knew she had to suck it up. When she walked inside the penthouse, she saw Sam and Tara watching a duo of paramedics working on someone. When Y/N got closer she saw it was her mom laying lifelessly on the floor with multiple stab wounds on her body.

“No!” Y/N cried as her eyes flooded with tears. Sam and Tara looked over at her, with tears in their eyes as well. Y/N fell to her knees and cried. Sam and Tara ran over to her to comfort her. Sam was on her right while Tara was on her left. Tara wrapped both of her arms around Y/N while Sam held onto one of her hands. Tara moved Y/N’s head up against her chest trying to shield her vision from the paramedics who were doing CPR on Gale. Sam kept apologizing to Y/N but due to her heavy crying she couldn’t answer. Every time she opened her mouth only sobs came out.

Yes, Y/N was sad but the more she cried the more rage started to fill her body. She knew that rage because it was the same rage she felt when she found out about her dad. The same rage she felt when she saw her dad’s dead body in a black bag. When she finds the motherfucker that did this, they are going to have their blood on her hands.

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N was sitting in the ICU waiting room by herself while everyone else was in the regular emergency room. They let Y/N ride in the back of the ambulance with her mom while Kirby drove everyone else to the hospital. After Kirby dropped them off, she went back to the crime scene to do some more investigation.

As Y/N sat in the chair she had venom running through her veins. She was furious. All of that sadness faded away as the anger took over. When will this fucking nightmare end? She squeezed the armrests of the chair so hard her knuckles turned white. She kept hearing her father’s voice in her head telling her not to break but she was breaking. She wasn’t even trying to calm herself down.

“Ms. Riley.” She heard her name being called in the empty room. When she looked up, she saw a doctor. “Are you Ms. Weathers daughter?” The doctor asked her in a curious tone. Y/N just gave him a slow nod. “We got her stable and we’re just about to take her into surgery.” The doctor told her which did ease her mind just a little bit. When Gale got to the hospital her breathing was shallow so they knew they had to get her stable and her breathing under control before they could nurse her wounds. Y/N’s grip on the armrests loosened a bit at that news. “When she’s out of surgery we will give you another update.” The doctor told her which she answered with another nod. Once the doctor left the room she stood up and made her way to the other waiting room which was at the front entrance of the hospital.

When Y/N got there she saw Sam was crying again and the group, especially Tara, was trying to calm her down. Y/N just stood there looking at her friends. She can tell that they also looked completely drained like she was, but the only difference was that they looked scared. Y/N wasn’t feeling scared at all. “Y/N.” Ethan said being the first one to see her just standing there staring at them. Y/N finally walked over to them.

“How is Gale?” Sam asked her full of worry. “Yeah, is she going to be, okay?” Tara asked, matching her sister’s tone. “They got her stable, she’s going into surgery right now.” Y/N answered with zero emotion on her face and in her tone. “Okay, what about you? Are you okay?” Mindy asked, noticing right away that something was going on in Y/N’s head. “You know, I am so fucking tired of being asked that question.” Y/N answered in a snappy tone which took all her friends by surprise. Usually, she comes up with a lie, so her friends don’t worry about her, but she wasn’t herself at this moment. She felt like she was dead inside, and she wasn’t going to hide it. “Y/N- “Chad started but she cut him off right away. “I’M NOT OKAY!” Y/N yelled as her hands turned into fists. She wasn’t looking at any of her worried friend’s faces. She was staring straight at the glass doors. It was good thing that it was just them in the room.

“I’m going to go find this fucker!” Y/N hissed and started her way towards the doors. “Y/N!” Ethan called out to her, but she kept on walking. He let out a sigh as he quickly rushed over to her. Before she could walk out the doors Ethan grabbed one of her arms and turned her around to face him. “Ethan, let me go!” Y/N told him in a warning tone. “No! You need to stay here with your mom!” Ethan told her in a stern tone. “But- “Y/N started but he cut her off. “I know you want to find this fucker and we will but right now you need to be here with your mom.” Ethan told her with a stern look in his brown eyes. When she looked into his brown eyes that’s when she realized he was right. That’s when she finally jumped back into reality. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves down. “Okay.” Y/N said with a slow nod.

“We’re going to be here for a while so how about I go to your apartment and bring you a fresh pair of new clothes.” Ethan said as he rubbed his hands up and down both her arms. When he said that, that’s when she realized she had her mom’s blood all over her shirt from the ambulance ride. I guess when she was holding her mom’s bloody hand, she wiped the blood off on her shirt without realizing it because of how emotionless she was. “Please, don’t go by yourself.” Y/N said in a pleading tone, finally showing some kind of emotion since arriving at the hospital. She looked at him with a soft gaze. “We’ll go with him.” Chad said walking over to them with Mindy following right behind him. “We’ll be back as soon as possible, okay?” Ethan said to her. Y/N just gave him another nod. She knew if she said anything she would beg him to stay. He’s the only one that’s been keeping her grounded. He gave her a soft kiss on the top of her head and walked out the doors. Chad and Mindy followed right behind him.

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N and Sam were the only ones sitting in the waiting room together since Tara went to get drinks and snacks from the vending machine. “Y/N.” Sam said to her in a soft tone. “Yeah?” Y/N said looking over at her. “I’m so sorry.” Sam said to her for like the hundredth time as her eyes started to tear up. Sam wasn’t looking at Y/N since ever since they sat down her eyes were glued to the floor. “Why do you keep saying that?” Y/N asked with confusion in her tone. “Because all of this shit is happening because of me.” Sam told her with frustration in her tone looking over at her. “Sam, this is not your fault, you didn’t ask for this shit to happen.” Y/N told her. “But your dad got killed saving me.” Sam said as a few tears streamed down her face. “He died doing what he loved, he died being a hero.” Y/N corrected her. “Don’t listen to those assholes online. As long as the people who love you believe in you and know who you are, that’s all that matters.” Y/N explained to her as her lips curved into a small smile. “You’re not your father.” Y/N added which made Sam feel a whole lot better. She’s told herself that a hundred times but hearing someone else say it finally made her feel like she isn’t her dad. She may have Loomis blood in her, but she’s not them. She doesn’t have the same mind as them. Sam gave her a hug which Y/N returned right away. Y/N knew that’s what Sam needed to hear. Even though they have only known each other for less than two years, they feel like they have known each other their whole lives. When you share the same history with someone, it brings you so much closer to them.  “Thanks, Y/N.” Sam said as she started to finally relax. “No problem.” Y/N told her as she lightly rubbed Sam’s back.

The girls broke their hug when they heard a voice call their names by the doors. When they looked over, they saw Chad helping Mindy who had a stab wound to the stomach. She had one arm wrapped around her brother’s shoulder and the other hand on her bleeding stomach. “Mindy!” Y/N said quickly standing up and running over to her friend with Sam following close behind her. “What the hell happened?” Sam asked full of worry. “We were on the subway going to the apartment when Ghostface came out of nowhere and stabbed Mindy in the stomach.” Chad explained to them. “Hey, I’m- “Tara started walking in but cut herself off when she noticed Mindy. Tara dropped the drinks and snacks onto one of the chairs. “Holy shit, Mindy!” Tara said running over to them stand next to Y/N and Sam. “HELP!” Y/N and Sam yelled out. They got the attention of two nurses who quickly ran over to the group. “We got her.” One of nurses reassured as her and the other nurse took Mindy from Chad and walked her out of the room to get treatment.

“Wait, where’s Ethan?” Tara asked, being the first one to notice that he was nowhere to be seen. “I don’t know. When we got off the subway to tend to Mindy he was gone and so was Ghostface.” Chad answered with a shrug finally starting catch his breath. A million questions started to flood Y/N’s brain.

Did Ghostface take Ethan? Did he get killed? Is he apart of this whole fucking scheme? Could Ethan be Ghostface? Was he just pretending to like her to get to Sam and Tara? Was everything he said to her a fucking lie? Y/N broke out of her thoughts when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. Y/N took out her phone to see that familiar caller ID flashing on her phone. She answered the call and put the phone up against her ear.

“Where is Ethan?” Y/N said into the phone in a demanding tone. “What’s wrong, Y/N? Worried about losing your boyfriend as well?” The sinister voice on the other end teased her. “Stop fucking with me and tell me where the fuck you are!” Y/N snapped into the phone losing her patients. “I’m at the shrine with your boyfriend and I suggest you come here if you don’t want to see him laying on the floor in a bloody puddle like your father.” The killer told her in a taunting tone. “Oh, and I would come alone!” They told her in a stern tone and hung up on her.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked her. “They took Ethan to the shrine and said if I don’t get there now, they will kill him.” Y/N answered as she put her phone in her pocket. “They also told me to come alone.” She added. “So, what’s the plan?” Chad asked in a curious tone. “I’m going with Y/N to the shrine because this sounds like a fucking trap to get Y/N alone to just kill her.” Sam explained. “I’m coming too.” Tara said, which made Sam immediately shake her head no. “No, you’re staying here with Chad to look after Mindy and Gale.” Sam told her in a stern tone.

“I still think you two should have an extra hand. We don’t know how many Ghostface’s we are dealing with.” Chad mentioned remembering how the killer never works alone. “I can call Kirby to meet us there.” Y/N said which Sam agreed with. “Let’s go kill this son of a bitch.” Sam said to Y/N. Tara and Chad watched them walk out the doors. Tara really wanted to come but knew not to argue, which was probably the first time she didn’t argue with Sam since the return of Ghostface.

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N and Sam went to the shrine they saw Kirby already there waiting for them. “Alright, tell me the plan you two came up with.” Kirby said to them. “While I distract the killer or killers, I want you two to go look and find Ethan.” Y/N told them. “That’s the fucking plan?” Kirby asked obviously not a fan of it. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good plan.” Sam said agreeing with Kirby. “Well, we don’t have fucking time to come up with a better one alright!” Y/N said with frustration in her tone. “The killer told me to come alone and if they find out that you two are with me who knows what will happen.” Y/N added thinking back to the last thing the killer told her. “Ugh, fine! You’re lucky I brought two guns with me.” Kirby said taking one of her guns out of her holster and handed it to Y/N.

“Let’s go.” Y/N said and walked inside of the old building. “Don’t need a DNA test to prove that she’s the daughter of Gale Weathers.” Kirby said to Sam as they followed Y/N inside. “I’ll be in the screening room.” Y/N told them and walked away from them before either one of them could say anything. “You take the left side of the building while I take the right.” Kirby told Sam, which earned a nod in response. The girls went their separate ways but made sure to keep an eye on Y/N and any sight of Ghostface.

When Y/N walked into the screening room flashbacks quickly flooded her mind. She wanted to run out again, but she knew that she had to face her fears like Sidney did last year. She knew that Sidney was scared to go back into Stu Macher’s house, but she sucked it up and did it to make sure everyone was alright.

Y/N walked over to the glass case where the drawing of her dad was in. As she stared at the drawing the white ripped up curtain came down over the stage startling her. She pointed her gun at the stage but saw no one in sight. A video started to play. It was a video showing her and Ethan on the college campus a couple days ago sitting under the tree talking. She then remembered when she got that call before Ethan came up to her. That was Ghostface calling here. They were there spying on her getting ready to strike. She was the first person on their hit list, but Ethan showed up distracting her and fucking up their plan. “What the fuck.” Y/N mumbled as her eyes were glued to the video.

“Hello, Y/N.” She heard a voice say behind her.

*Tags*

@sweetirilly  @aqellano  @igotmajordaddyissues  @athenalive  @hotweeb  @ghostlyboiii  @marshallowy  @rolly-polly-molly​  @callsignwidow

IF YOUR NAME IS CROSSED OUT IT’S BECAUSE TUMBLR WOULDN’T LET ME TAG YOU!

[inexplicablymine]

IM ATTACKING YOU RIGHT BACK 🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️ how did you get into fandom/writing fic and how do you come up with inspiration for fic ideas? is there a specific place or time of day that strikes you?

Ahem… BUCKLE IN FOLKS this is a long af answer but I have the time. So sit down with your popcorn. Lola this all your fault 🥰

How did you get into fandom: I have (brace yourselves) read in fandom for over 15 years before participating in any way shape or form outside of just enjoying it from the comfort of my screen. I read or watched something many moons ago and said I want more and tada I was initiated. But I stuck around for so long because of the sheer creativity, and talent, and ingenuity of people globally to come together and say “we want more and if you won’t give us more we will do it ourselves.”

I was that reader that lurked with guest kudos and left random inane comments from accounts you could never trace back to one place. When I mean read I mean… if I did have an AO3 account or an ffnet account during that period of time, the sheer number of works in the history would be of concern to everyone.

How did you get into writing fic: As for writing in general, I have a stack of journals I’ve kept since middle school, and an itch in my fingers that feels like I am broken if I am not writing. From the minute I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up “author” was the answer and it’s always sat at the back of my subconscious like one of those rocks in the bottom of your shoe. There are too many stories rattling around in my head that want to get out, but I took a break for 8 years of writing anything except my journal entries because the world can be a cruel place.

I started writing again just this year in June, and it was really a case of “write the things you want to see in the world,” + it’s time to get back on the horse + the thirst to participate more than just sit on the outside peering in at the inside jokes of chapter end notes and tumblr links I never clicked on. I joined a single discord, had a breakdown, and bon appetite here we are 3 months later with an actual AO3 account, a Tumblr, and a WIP list that is at least 15 works long 4 of which are 25+ chapter outlines.

(This truly was fueled by an idea I had this March for a RWRB full length mystery novel law-case thriller that I could NOT get out of my head, it now has 37 chapters outlined and is getting written this fall/winter to be posted next year)

Where does your inspiration come from: My inspiration comes from everything everywhere all at once. (Not meant to be a reference but it was too good not to use). A not so succinct list of places I’ve found inspiration:

the truth is stranger than fiction: my first day post for FirstPrince week is a “there was only one tent” situation that actually happened on a camping trip this summer. I screamed internally the entire time it was going down.

Songs: I could never write while listening to music except I absolutely will imagine storylines from it. The song Delilah by Mikolas Josef and Mark Neve is going to produce a smutty RWRB one shot of a ski weekend hookup

Co-Authoring: I am currently working on two different co-authored fics. One with @celaestis1 that was just us lovingly yelling at eachother in the DM’s until an outline was made and now every chapter we write makes me more and more giddy. The other is a RWRB x PJO au with @read-and-write- and @userd0esn0texist that is genuinely the most ridiculous fun I have ever had plotting. There is a full blown super six prophecy y’all are not ready.

Prompts: my first two works ever (ever!) were based off of the same prompt for a gift fic exchange. “Don’t look at me I thought we were getting ice cream” (you can read the results of that prompt here or here) I’m participating in @thebrownstone FirstPrince Week which has 7 prompts and @halloweenhuh with two different prompts as well. Sometimes it’s the best way to get the juices flowing.

Asking for it: if someone asks “hey is there a fic that does this” and I haven’t found it, it is really easy to think “hmmm but maybe I could write it” and then the dominos fall and I’m stuck with a problem of my own creation

Fulfilling a need or gap in the fandom: honestly, my current WIP I’m posting is an Ace!Alex fic because well… we need more ace fic in general, but also more ace fic that is happy, and positive, and loving. I love a good whump fic as much as the next person, but sometimes you just need some serious fluff. (Also my first two fics are Demi!Alex so maybe I have just stumbled into this on accident though many of my upcoming fics differ from this pattern)

I want it I got it: truly most of my WIP’s started from a “wouldn’t it be funny” idea that then morphed very quickly into an out of control spiral in my notes app.

Betas: the backbone of fandom and honestly the people who help me take incoherent ramblings and make them something readable. So many amazing ideas come from betas leaving comments in my gdocs and for that I am forever thankful

Is there a specific place or time of day that strikes you?: HA I uhhhhhh will wake up in a cold sweat at 4:37 in the morning with a fic idea, I’ll come up with one walking to work, I’ll get an idea standing in like for groceries. Genuinely my notes app is always open. All of the random ideas I get from a line, to a more fleshed out plot idea go into a note or the matching doc called “table scraps” and then if they evolve from there they get their own note or document for them.

First 🧚🧚 Nice Ask Day 🧚🧚 answer and I can’t wait to ask/answer more

[itsjustagoober]

So, uhhhhhhh.

Howdy y'all. Been a minute since I've really been around here. I mean, yes I've been reblogging and stuff, but like...that's roughly all the time I've had to do? Just pop in for a bit or so, reblog and head off again.

Gonna do my best to keep it short, but I'll also put it under the cut to keep the base post short to most. Here goes nothing, I guess?

TL;DR: A family emergency back in June literally caused my entire summer, which I had originally planned to be my most creative and focused time for projects and art and stuff, to be watching after and living with a family member up until the first week of October to make sure they would be okay. I then took a week vacation this past week to visit my girlfriend and I was so relaxed I didn't do anything else, either. I am gonna need time to get back into the groove on here as I process and reassess what I wanna do for my blogs for the rest of the year and from here out.

To start, I am very glad that I made sure my great uncle was fine for sure, the whole time I was living with him. I just also realized that, now that it's over, being his immediate caretaker for three-to-four months? Life really stole my summer and everything fun I wanted to do this year. It sucks. It's not entirely his fault, but hrrrrmgle.

So, June. I was hearing how wet and frequent his coughs were and was trying to get him to go to Urgent Care/go see his primary (which he assured me he didn't have one when I always am the one making his appointments for him), but he continued to refuse and fight me the entire way. He does this to everyone who tries to tell him how to do something he doesn't want to hear, so I just took it and knew he'd realize sooner or later this was a losing battle on his side.

That came the day he went for his dentist appointment and he ended up having a cardiac episode in the chair before they started. They called me right back and I took him to the hospital. They gave him so much stuff to bring his heart rate down, like holy shit. Thankfully, since the dentist didn't start with anything, there was nothing to worry about with drugs fighting with other drugs. I stayed there until his stepdaughter finally got off of work and I was allowed to go home after a pretty draining and traumatic day.

Oh, that reminds me. I said it wasn't wholly his fault about how this summer turned out. That's because there's another character here, his stepdaughter. She will be referred to as S from here out. While I'm at it, Great Uncle will also be R and S' daughter will be K. K is pretty cool, though, so you probably won't see her here as much as the other two, considering.

So, S is an interesting lady. She is about as old as my mother and acts like she's 22 still. Nothing against her wanting to be that way, but it made it very difficult to genuinely talk with her or see her at any point that wasn't on her time and when she was in town. Most of the summer, she barely came to visit despite everything. Every weekend, she went out partying or camping or out of town/state because she couldn't handle all the stuff with R. You can guess who that fell to, obviously. And the fact that S assumed I was gonna take care of him for her anyway, bleh. Yes, as he's family and I care about the people I care about, but assuming all that and I had to find this out later and from someone else? Not a great impression there.

Took a dinner break here, so where was I? I visited him in the hospital when I could, mostly. He was moved around so much and going through procedures and the like I barely caught him in passing. The day he was let out and moved to rehab, however, I was sure to go visit him ASAP. I made sure he was settled, met the nurses taking care of him and the schedules for medication.

He didn't have an amazing time there, according to him. However, this is because of two very important details: He didn't want to be there and wanted to be home already and that he needed to complete rehab to get home. You can probably imagine where this is going, yes. He refused to do his bare minimum of exercises and the like and then wondered why they were keeping him longer, even though they wanted to see him go and make a full recovery.

Another detail that's important is that one of the doctors in the hospital sent him to rehab with a defibrillator vest. This doctor apparently didn't explain it to him, any of his nurses at the hospital, none of them at the rehab center and most of all, me. So, this was a 6-pound burden for us all that reeeeally pissed him off especially. The damn thing would beep for any reason and while there was a book for each beep, every message shared the same beep! You wouldn't know the reason until you cross-checked the manual! And the damn battery pack kept nailing him in the shin, too. Augh.

Eventually, after a short time and a big tantrum from him that required S and I to be there for his patient review (in which S also had a breakdown because of this), he finally realized he couldn't get out until he kept the vest on and did the harder exercises to build up enough strength to be let go to go back home. And then he was, about the second to last week of August. And that's when I moved in to be his caretaker and help him with stuff around the house while he got used to it again.

The longest part came next, all his follow-ups with doctors he saw in the hospital to give him a clean bill of health to drop the defibrillator vest fully or drop it to get an internal one installed. All these follow-ups took end of August through to the end of September and his patience for everything was so worn thin. Every little thing agitated him and he never wanted to do anything extra outside of what he HAD to do. It was very frustrating for everyone involved trying to help him, myself included.

Finally, we came to October 2nd. The day he finds out about the vest and his medical stuff going forward. We go in and see the doctor. He's a very nice man and he's doing his best to do his job and let R know that, while he should be okay to take off the vest now, he needs to still be careful as he could plummet in health at any moment if he overdoes anything or even does super nothing (ya know, stagnant type nothing). Of course, R only heard that he could take the vest off and that's what he was waiting for. He was suddenly very energetic and headstrong that the doctor then quickly tried to let him know we'd still need to see him in a few months and make sure everything is okay. He even offered we come in later in the week for him to get a light defib shock to fix his heart rate from afib.

This, of course, is not what R wanted to hear. He was done, as far as he was concerned, and didn't want to do anything else. It started with a 'No.' and soon turned into a full screaming match, only from his side, to the doctor just trying to make sure he'd be alright going forward. Once the doctor realized there was nothing he could do to change R's mind, mostly from a motion from me that it wasn't worth the argument, he dismissed us as professionally as he could and everything. We left and I grabbed his card, just in case anything happens, ya know?

We're downstairs and he's so proud of himself for that outburst. He got what he wanted to hear and wasn't going to take anything else for anything he didn't want to hear or realize. We went to lunch and I just sort of clammed up for the rest of the day because it wasn't worth the effort. He didn't apologize after he calmed down or anything. He was just so proud of himself and it pretty much made me feel nauseated.

Since that was just a week or so ago from this, he started to get a big head. He was good to go and didn't need anymore doctors or meds and or anyone to help him. He started getting visibly and vocally frustrated with me, so I figured that was a good time for a short break from each other. Went back once or twice to get my stuff like clothes and food from living there for two-to-three months and then saw him off that last Saturday for October 7th. I was so anxious and everything, especially with hoping he'd be alright while I was gone.

I told S and K I'd be taking a week vacation and then go back to pre-cardiac episode (once a week every Wednesday or whatever day if he had appointments). Never heard back from S, but I thanked me for everything I had done all summer and said my kindness and love would be paid back in time. One of my great aunts, married to one of R's brothers, said the same thing. I believe them both when they said that too. I didn't need it, but I guess affirmation and validation that I did a good thing was worth it, after all it had taken out of me.

And then I went to Missouri to visit my girlfriend (@somechubbynerd ) for a week. I was so relaxed and so forced to not do anything I didn't have to that I sort of just existed in a time and limbo of bliss? I have high anxiety as it is and, not feeling it for the first time in years, I sort of didn't know what to do with myself?

My girlfriend helped loads with that, though, by guiding me through places she wanted to take me and spend time with me. We cuddled and watched YouTube together. We baked cookies and made a chicken fettuccine dinner together. We went to the zoo together and then to one of her favorite restaurants in the same day. She made me so at ease and helped me be myself for once that I sort of just was so mind-numbed into pure bliss and peace with myself.

It felt great, looking back, but I just genuinely didn't know what to do about it. I hadn't felt that in years and I am still feeling it as I write this now. It feels so nice and so calming. This is awesome, given that I actually went in to urgent care for a panic attack that was gonna put me out for a few days, back in June/July. It sucked so much, but I'm glad they helped me recover so quickly. I couldn't afford to be down for too long. I am so essential to everyone around me and to be there for them, even if I know that they all can't always be there for me.

My girlfriend, as well as a few others, made me realize I probably need to start saying no more. Not because it's to be a bastard, but I can't give myself away like this again and again and get so little in return or no time to recover from the last thing. Obviously, I should still do stuff on a basis I choose, but yeah. Maybe I should say no a little more. It also made me realize that, while not anyone's particular fault, my summer was stolen from me. This summer was planned between my girlfriend and I, as well as a few mutual friends, to work together on art, writing and projects we have been invested in for a year or more and have to keep putting off due to life and work stuff. This was gonna be the summer we were all available...and then we weren't.

I'm still processing these last three months and the year or more so far, since I finally had a break long enough to realize what's going on with myself and my life and someone to bounce my thoughts off of that I couldn't with family. It has opened my eyes a bit more about my circumstances and what the near future might hold for me. I miss my girlfriend so much already and I felt so bad I wasn't crying as much as she was when she had to drop me back off at the train station, but I guess I was still processing it too?

Yeah, still processing things. Probably for a bit, too. I'll probably need some time to ease back into things here. All my blogs and what I was doing before sort of disappearing for a long time and also being interrupted from a lot of threads I wanted to continue or even start. I hope you all can be patient and understanding with me and I'll do my best to do the same. I love y'all and nothing will ever change that, okay? I just need some time to figure myself out again. Yeah. Just need more time...

[teememdee]

2023 ART SUMMARY!!!

2023 was uhhhhhhh a year! And I made art! And I’m going to talk for a long time about everything I did month by month! Yippee!!!

original individual posts can be found in my #tanner art tag!

JANUARY

Started off the year with my favorite skrunklies sleepy and snuggling. Then sleeping together while holding one another is so incredibly important to me, they’re so cute and I needed to draw it. Struggled with Kai’Sa’s face but I particularly like the drapery of the pillow behind them.

FEBRUARY

First off, just a simple Kai’Sa piece for the Vibes(TM) and background practice. I was also fairly miserable and when I get miserable I draw Kai’Sa being miserable as well. I love my favorite character of all time <3

Then a quick Valentine’s Day piece, soft gradient map stuff. Love my skrunklies, hopefully this year I can make something for the day that isn’t rushed

MARCH

In March I FINALLY finished my Star Guardian Kahri fic, be the light to carry me, and drew Kiko and Ina being adorable together to go along with it. They’re SO cute and people LOVE that fic. Chapter 3 ended up being a whole 20k words and every time I re-read I’m amazed that I wrote it.

A kiss for Kai’Sa’s birthday! This was actually two sketches mashed together because I had a good Kai’Sa and a good Ahri on separate attempts. Love Kai’Sa’s smile on this one.

NOW. Strong contender for my favorite piece of the year. Captioned “please don’t lose yourself,” my K/DA-verse Kassadin’s very dead wife’s ghost weighs on him, begging him to not get lost in his grief and lose sight of their daughter. Kassadin feels lost and broken without her. I love the emotions in this one, and I think the idea comes across even without knowledge of my headcanons. Love it so much.

APRIL

Full-body piece that took me all month. I just love this one so much. It’s just pure Kahri, pure love, pure joy. Pose inspired by Blake Belladonna from RWBY’s leg pop during the long-awaited Bumblby kiss. This piece just makes me so happy.

MAY

Oops! No art! Was too busy being on a (student) film set every weekend as well as dealing with classes and multiple other stressors. I did START a piece though, but wouldn’t finish it until the middle of June.

JUNE

I actually did the first sketch of the Evelynn piece in February, but I decided to revamp it in May, and then when school finally set me free I finished it, and it turned out exactly how I wanted it to. Her hair was a labor to render but I'm so so pleased with how it looks, as well as the blood. The first time I've finished a fully rendered Evelynn piece!

Naafiri is so fucking cool. Upon her reveal, I was seeing so much incredible fanart and I just needed to get in on it. The shapes and points are just so good. I used to draw dogs all the time as a kid, and my younger self would absolutely flip out at seeing this. I did this piece in one day, and I have no idea how I pulled that background off but hopefully I can do it again some day lol

JULY

Two drastically different vibes here. Realized it had been forever since I had drawn Kahri so I just wanted to make a cute summertime piece. Their hands should be bigger and it bugs me but this is still really cute, I missed my girls dearly.

And then my very very sad man Kassadin being very very sad about his very very dead wife. This is what I call his phase 2 design, when he's at the peak of his grief (spiraling, as emphasized by the background) and feels just so sad and alone. In my head this and the March piece are part of a series that I hope to continue.

AUGUST

Just one piece that took me all month because I was quite busy in August, and Runeterra Kahri pieces take forever, but as I always say, it's always worth it. This pose comes from mellon_soup on instagram, who makes a lot of really great pose references for artists to use, highly recommend checking them out. This piece is just so soft to me. Captioned "'you're beautiful, you know that?'" they're saying it to each other, two people that struggle with their self image finding love and confidence in the other. Also I'm so very happy with the background. I love these two so so so so much, they're my world.

SEPTEMBER

One of my goals for this year was to branch out in the fanart I made. Baldur's Gate 3 came along and I love watching my best friend play it, we love Shadowheart and I just wanted to draw her. This came after a lot of sketches of both her and our favorite Tav that ended up changing how I draw eyes. The rendering of her face here is also something I'm proud of, her nose looks great. And again, the background! This piece didn't get a lot of attention at all but that's okay, I made it for me and I'm very happy with it.

OCTOBER

STAR WARS TOXIC YURI WENT CRAZY THIS YEAR!!! Wolfwren (Sabine Wren x Shin Hati, from the Ahsoka TV series) had me by the THROAT for a solid two months or so, I haven't been that feral and deranged over a ship in a hot minute. They had me frothing at the mouth every episode even though I did not like the show overall. Anyways. First piece is a redraw of the part in episode 4 where they just have the most charged eye contact of all time, and I decided to take that in stride with inspiration from Horimiya, a favorite anime of mine, during particularly emotionally charged moments, the background changes and there's a particular color silhouette behind them. It really fits that moment of the show and I am SO proud of these faces, especially Sabine's. Drawing from a real human face reference was kinda new to me but it's taught me a lot. The file size also ended up enormous somehow idk lol

Then, my most popular piece of the year, on both tumblr and twitter. I LOVE hand imagery, I love subtle hand touches, I churned this out in I think exactly one day, it's so soft it's so cute and I totally understand the overwhelming positivity it received.

NOVEMBER

I was not doing well at this time in the year. The state of the world just had me in a horrible mental state, I wasn't taking care of myself well at all, I couldn't get myself to make art, especially something happy or cute, it just felt wrong. But then sometimes you feel something so strong and specific there's no other way to process it than to make art. To make a long story short, earlier in the year I thought a girl liked me, I liked her back, but it turned out she did indeed have a boyfriend the whole time. We didn't see or talk to each other for a few months but in November we (and the bf, lol) met up again. When she saw me at the door she smiled at me so sweetly and it was just the worst feeling ever and I just had to hide it behind a smile and a wave. Oversharing aside, this is a style I'd wanted to execute for a while and I'm really pleased with how it turned out, would love to make more like this.

DECEMBER

All of this was done / finished in the first two weeks of the month because then I got sick + was visiting family + jet lag took me out. Kinda sad I didn't get something done for Ahri's birthday or a traditional Kahri Winter piece but that's what January is for. Anyway.

Sometimes you just want to draw girls kissing and sometimes you wanna make it a little suggestive. Not much to say. Proud of the drapery on Kai'Sa's sleeve and you can always tell I love drawing hands.

Now it's time for classwork. Here I just have two pages but I've posted the whole comic on its own, this was for my "Art and Text" class, I have it printed in a booklet and my classmates + friends have responded to it so sweetly I'm really proud, I really really want to make more comics. This project was a culmination of so many inspirations from other artists and I'm really happy with the execution even if it was really rough for me to manage my time well for that class.

Then for my "Fiction and Allegory" class, two of my friends and I made a storyboard film (which I don't want to share publicly, but if I know you you can ask for a link) and during the all-nighter two of us pulled to get it done on time, I decided one scene needed music instead of diegetic sound, so I churned this out on garageband in about an hour. Would definitely love to try my hand at making more music in the future. Wish my classmates / teacher liked / understood the film more but oh well. I learned a lot and for the thousandth time, I'm proud of what I did.

IN CONCLUSION:

I ended up with less full pieces than 2022 but what I did create in 2023 are big, detailed, emotional pieces, and I'm more than satisfied. I think my skills in rendering, backgrounds, and colors really improved and I'm looking forward to how I continue to improve in 2024. This upcoming year has a lot of scary stuff ahead (namely graduating college) but I will come out the other side regardless, hopefully with just as much art I'm proud of.

If you read all of this, thank you!! If you've liked, shared, or commented on any of my art, thank you!!!!!! It means the world, always.

[ironicscavenger]

YEAR IN REVIEW | 2023

To be honest, I think 2023 belongs in the same garbage bin 2020 is rotting in. It started out fine. But as we reached the end, it got worse and worse. Still, I cannot resist looking back as I do every year.

While I did not achieve all my goals this year, I did do one: graduation. This is my greatest achievement, and one I’m super proud of. There’s also the one I almost achieved: finishing E04 of SNTM. I almost did it! Only a few videos left, which I hope to finish by February. But you know how it is: make plans, life runs over them. Anyway, here's what happened in the world of ironicscavenger in 2023.

THE HIGHTLIGHT

I’m not sure there was one on the blog itself, but I did graduate as a psychologist. However, I talked enough about that. Just know it was the highlight of my year. My mom said she hadn't seen me that genuinely happy in a while.

MY FAVORITE POST PER MONTH

Well, then, these are my favorite post for each month. Just to clarify, however many notes they got does not influence the decision to include them. As you can see, there are many gaps. Life got overwhelming this past couple of months. So, there’s very little done. Anyway, here goes.

January | I took an unexpectedly long hiatus and just played videogames for a while. So the end of the holiday special is the only post I got.

February | I made a sim for @madebycoffee’s BC.

March | Not a thing. Just two reblogs the entire month.

April | I was having problems with my computer and could not get back to sim stuff. But I did say hi, at least.

May | I worked on the Emerson story a bit. Also, I got a diagnosis for a problem I’ve been having all my life. The answers to a lot of questions, finally.

June | Once again, not a thing. I was finishing up school, and it was impossible to do anything but focus on that.

July | Same thing. Two reblogs, and that’s it.

August | It gets interesting again. I finished school, got a bit of a makeover for the blog, and got more active on social media.

September | SNTM got back, and I took some screens of Saffron and Piper in Chestnut Ridge. Honestly, it was just an excuse to put Piper on cowboy boots and cowboy hat. No regrets. Also, I decided to set up a discord server.

October | I had an incredible time at simblreen. But I honestly, I think everything stopped after the bombardments happened. I have mostly been blogging about Palestine since. So, you know, Free Palestine.

November | I published my simblreen treats (1 & 2 | 3), and kept reblogging about Palestine.

December | I did not feel the holiday spirit. I just had a quiet weekend with my parents and cousins that my mom was taking care of. SNTM came back again. Still talking about Palestine.

SNTM

Not a lot happened, but we are so close to finishing the episode. After I did a poll to decide the show's fate, I got a green light from all of you to make some changes. But I admit I’m not sure what I want to do yet. For now, the show goes on as it is. There’s a special episode that I’ve been planning since the beginning, and I really want to do it in video format. But it takes a lot on me. We shall see what happens.

Thank You!

This was not an easy year, but you guys are still here, following me. That’s gotta be some kind of miracle. I love you all so much. Even when it gets tough, I could never abandon this community. I’ll still be here, even when I no longer have anything to offer.

GOODBYE 2023! HELLO 2024!

May it bring us peace. That’s my only wish.  

Past Reviews: 2022 | 2021 | 2020 | 2019 | 2017

[hotarutranslations]

~THREE OF US~, A Team

Evening

Hello! Project 2024 Winter ~THREE OF US~

Morning Musume '24 Tsubaki Factory BEYOOOOONDS

These 3 groups have sent out, All of the performances from A Team🩵 Thank you very much🩵

Blogs for days like this, I try to write on the way home but, I ended up crashing! I'll sleep a lot!

.🏃‍♂️🐢💨

The last day, Hokkaido

Tanimoto Ami-chan Yamazaki Mei-chan Welcome home🐼💚💜

This tour has been going on since the new year but, Since we've finally come to Hokkaido, I think there are many who were waiting!

The reverberation of the calls was big--, I felt the oi oi from OPSE

Thanks for waiting~~~🪽

Thank you very much, for letting me hear so much cheering!

For the shuffle units,

Samidare Bijo ga Samideru/Juice=Juice Ishida Ayumi Nonaka Miki Onoda Saori Hirai Miyo Yamazaki Yuhane The 5 of us performed it❤️

With the 5 of us, everyone was calm during the rehearsal, It felt natural with the 5 of us😎 It was fun singing it together~~

It was cool~~

On the setlist, My time was short between, Dance Club..Change Clothes..Standby for Samidare..

Saorin, who is with me when we go on, was always like, 'I wonder if Ishida-san will make it in time…' Thank you for nervously waiting for me🤣🫶🏻

Thanks to you I was on time for all of the shows🤣🫶🏻

With myself,

With Hellocons, since I spend a long time looking at others, There were many encouraging days!

Everyone sparkles~~~

I was showered in something wonderful every weekend, happiness🫶🏻🪽

With the winter tour over,

Our spring tour is from March 16th! I'll do my best in preparation!

Hello! Project 2024 Winter ~THREE OF US~

Thank you very much for your support!! But I'll have to write a blog later!!

📺Hello Pro Dance Gakuen Season 11

April 18th 11:30PM~ A Learning From TSUKUSHI-san Adventure🕺

In season 10 we challenged breakin', its reairing continuously! On the 15th, 17th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, #1~#6 all at once! Check out HP for info!

Thank you for following.. Instagram💙🩵

💿Releasing February 7th

Morning Musume '23 25th ANNIVERSARY CONCERT TOUR ~glad quarter-century~ at Nippon Budokan

Thank you for waiting for the Blu-ray&DVD! Its finally releasing--!

Its already nostalgic but, It has an amazing medley, really Please enjoy it many times

📚Releasing on February 7th "Hello! Project BEST SHOT!! Vol.26"

Ishida AyumixOda SakuraxNonaka Miki📸 Fukumura MizukixIshida AyumixOda Sakura📸

✍🏻Tokyo Sports note Series #143 Went on an Adventure, Took Lots of Photos

🐼💙💜💚

🪩Current Winter Concert Tour Hello! Project 2024 Winter ~THREE OF US~

🪩Spring Tour Has Been Decided Morning Musume '24 Concert Tour Spring MOTTO MORNING MUSUME

We'll be going around the country from March 16th!

🪩HinaFest March 30th and 31st at Makuhari Messe

🪩JAPAN JAM Morning Musume '24 will be performing on May 3rd!

《LIVE DAYS！～Exciting Big Exhibition Match～》 June 2nd(Sun), after the Hokkaido Ham Fighters vs. Yokohama DeNa Baystars match, Morning Musume '24 will be having a special mini live!

.👗👠 Aoyama Clothing x Morning Musume '24

📻Morning Musume '24 Morning Jogakuin ~Houkago Meeting~

Airs Every Saturday, On Radio Nihon at 12:00AM~

Past Broadcast Episodes Are Available →Program Details

see you ayumin <3 https://ameblo.jp/morningmusume-10ki/entry-12841803521.html

[redheadgleek]

2023 in review

Milestones: 10 years since I completed fellowship and became an attending; 10 years since I moved to Oregon.

Places visited: Hawaii in February with my parents and sister; Yellowstone and Grand Tetons in July with my whole family, with a few days down in Utah; Iceland in September with J; Arizona a couple of times to see my niblings; Seattle for a few weekends.

Games played: Settlers of Catan, Dutch Blitz, Cover Your Assets, Codenames, Exploding Kittens, Zombie Kittens, Happy Salmon, Trails, and Dragonwood. Abandon All Artichokes was also very shortly abandoned and Tacocat was not as entertaining as hoped.

Puzzles completed: 2 (one Karin mostly did, and I just threw down a few pieces).

Movies watched: Wakanda Forever; Return of the King (in the theater in April); Ant Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (terrible movie); Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (excellent movie); Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget (stop making want to give up chicken!); Red, White, and Royal Blue.

TV shows watched: Battlestar Galactica (all but the last season because I don’t want it to end), Shadow and Bone season 2 (I am so mad that it was canceled), Doctor Who specials, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Great British Bake-Off, Heartstopper season 2 (and let’s be real, lots of season 1 again as well), Lockwood & Co (I think I still have the last episode to watch), Tom Jones (PBS), Good Omens season 2, Schmicago (so so good).

TV shows watched with @lucy8675309: The Mandalorian; Ted Lasso season 3; Star Trek: Picard; Star Trek: Strange New Worlds; Loki season 2; Fringe (we’re on season 4 and I love it so much). We started to watch the second season of Our Flag Means Death, but it was taking us away from Fringe, so it’s on the back burner.

Books read: 128 (!!!). Here’s a link to my storygraph account. I’ll do a separate sum up.

Audiobooks listened to: 13.5. My hope had been to do one per month, and Jonathan Strange took at least 3 months to finish, so I’m surprised I made it, but I did have a long road trip to Yellowstone, where I listened to 3 different books on the way there and back. (Carry On is the 0.5 – I listened to 2/3rd of it on the plane ride down and wanted to finish it by Christmas so switched over to the ebook).

Musicals/Plays watched: Moulin Rouge: the Musical (the movie is so much better); Ain’t Too Proud; My Fair Lady; Choir Boy; Hairspray; A Midsummer’s Night Dream; Six; Tina: The Tina Turner Musical; Les Miserables; Waitress (in the movie theater).

Concerts attended: Theo Katzman in April; Vienna Teng at The Triple Door in Seattle in August.

Music listened to: The Riversitter by Vienna Teng, Prayer for the Broken by Naya Rivera, multiple hours of classical music while visiting my parents.

Medical conferences attended: 2, one virtually, one in Phoenix, in August in 115 heat.

Medical conferences where I gave a presentation: 1 on a specific consideration on organ donation (the reason why I was in Phoenix in August).

Number of lectures given: 5 including to the NW Internal Medicine Society.

Nights spent in the hospital because my driveway too icy/snowy to get home: only 3!

Knitted projects: Wisteria scarf (a Christmas present that I finished in January); Anne, Diana, and Gilbert dolls were finished in the spring (only took me 2 years); Orchid and Gold Poppins scarf, Grandpa sweater (my first real sweater!), 3 scarves for Christmas (which are in various stages of finished and need to be mailed).

Number of skeins of yarn bought: … Just enough for a few more dolls and a sweater or two, and some Icelandic yarn and some yarn for my mom…

Notable fails: the annular solar eclipse (too cloudy), parenting succulent plants (3 needed the Plant Hospital, 1 is still in the Plant ICU), summer flirtations.

House repairs: every board on my 32×24 foot deck was replaced. I still have the two lower decks and the back stairs to tackle.

Visits to the beach: only once in June. Must be rectified in the new year.

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

I was spoiled last summer because I got to go on 3 trips, essentially 3 vacations, the first vacations I'd taken since my cousin's wedding in 2018.

For my birthday in May, I went to Busch Gardens and a youtuber boxing match with some friends. In June I went to a week-long family reunion in DC, Maryland and Pennsylvania; we had a memorial for my Grammy who passed away in 2021, visited some of my mom's cousins I'd never met before, spent a whole day at Six Flags America with my own cousins, and toured the National Mall/Smithsonian. In August, I had a longshot job interview at a library in the city I want to move to, so I took time off work to bus up, crashed with my sister, and aced the first round with flying colors; I spent a congratulatory week in town looking for an apartment, then headed home with some promising leads and absolutely BOMBED the second round, evaporating my best chance at getting off the godforsaken rock I've been stuck on since I graduated college.

This year, I don't have any real plans. I finally bought my own car, but now I have to start the whole job and apartment search from square one with severely diminished savings. I wanted to quit my current job last weekend, but I chickened out because I need the money. If I leave sometime this summer and find an apartment to sublease, I'd have to move out in August anyway because all the leases expire just in time for the fall semester. Move-out and move-in are a week or two apart, so I'd have to come back home anyway while I was between leases, assuming I was even able to secure a full year lease when I'm competing with something like fifty thousand college students in a town with a population of less than 150,000. It seems like every new building being constructed up there is an apartment complex, but they fill up almost immediately and rent never goes down.

I can't stay in the Keys much longer. There's nothing for me down here. If I can't move until August, I at least need to take a break from work and travel before my student loans inevitably come due because the nazi bastards on SCOTUS think only rich fucks deserve debt forgiveness and the measly poors have to prop them up. I want to enjoy my summer, because it's all downhill from here. The economy is on the verge of collapse and we're heading into another dumpster fire of a presidential election (it feels like every cycle is worse than the last). I need a distraction. I need an outlet. I need to take advantage of the freedom my car affords me before shit hits the fan and I'm forced to come crawling back to a job I barely tolerate on an island I despise with every fiber of my being. If I don't get out soon, I don't know when I'll get my next shot.

Next April I'm going on a roadtrip to Ohio to view the total solar eclipse, so I at least have that to look forward to if nothing else. Just 11 months to go.

Who am I kidding? I won't survive down here another year. This place is eroding my mental health. It is absolutely imperative that I move before summer ends, lease or no lease. I'd rather live out of my car for a while than be stuck here indefinitely.