#this was the only way to return to my indie writing

[bowie-byers]

Coming out Thread // Continued

@waldenwritess

Will:

Will leaned into Jonathan's hug like he had so many times before, only this time he felt himself leaning more heavily, gathering the fabric of Jonathan's shirt into his fists and squeezing his eyes closed. A few tears slipped through, wetting Jonathan knew, that much was apparent, but Will still had to say it. He knew once the words left his mouth he could never take them back. He knew he could never take them back either way. With Jonathan's reassurance, Will pulled away and swiped at his face with the back of his hand, weak smile to show Jonathan that he would be okay. Eventually, maybe. Will followed Jonathan to his bed and sat next to him, eyes falling immediately to the carpet under his feet, fingers once again picking at the hem of his too-big shirt that used to be Jonathan’s. As his brother began talking, Will lifted his eyes to Jonathan’s face, automatically shaking his head in protest as Jonathan started apologizing. He opened his mouth to protest— to promise that Jonathan had been a better brother than he ever could’ve wished for, that it wasn’t him Will was afraid of, really, just the fact that saying it out loud made it real— but Will didn’t want to interrupt. He found himself nodding along, agreeing that things do get way more complicated. Will had felt behind when his friends all started dating and all he wanted to do was play DnD, but he wondered now if that was less about not wanting to date and more about who he wanted to date. “I never felt alone,” he ventured, before Jonathan could move on. “I know you will. You do,” he confirmed in as many words as he could manage without bursting completely into tears. Will’s throat burned from holding back his emotion, and he swallowed hard, determined to pay attention to Jonathan’s words.

Studying his hands, Will clasped and unclasped them in his lap. They felt clammy, and he wiped them on his jeans while he desperately tried not to think of Mike Wheeler. It makes you do stupid shit. Will immediately thought of the conversation he’d had with Mike in the van back in California, how Mike somehow managed to frustrate him more than anyone else in the world, but also felt like home. He met Jonathan’s eyes cautiously, then, not sure just how many confessions he was up for in one go. Jonathan’s eyes pierced through Will’s soul, and he felt frozen under his brother’s intense gaze. Everyone deserves to know what that feels like. HIs eyes welled up again, but this time Will didn’t reach up to swipe at them. He let the tears fall, one and two and then faster, until they streamed together. Suddenly, Will felt like a little kid again— like he was five years old, hugging Jonathan’s leg, begging him not to leave and go to school, just this once. Clinging to the safety his brother always brought with him, the certainty that someone loved him not in spite of everything he was, but because of it. As long as he could remember, Jonathan was Will’s safety net— he ordered for Will at restaurants way past that being acceptable, he talked to strangers on the bus on Will’s behalf, he let Will duck behind him in crowds, but Will knew it had to come to an end. Jonathan couldn’t say this for him. Taking a shaky breath, Will met Jonathan’s eyes again and nodded, trying to soak in Jonathan’s words. Jonathan was always recording things, and for a second Will wished he was recording this, so Will could revisit it over and over and be sure of what he said. The world needs to see it, and there’s someone out there who will love you for it. Once again, Jonathan’s words burned Will’s throat. He reached out and took Jonathan’s hand, squeezing hard to redirect the pressure from his eyes to his hands, and took another deep breath. “Jonathan, I’m gay.” It didn’t feel like how he thought it would. Will didn’t feel freer, or lighter— maybe in an existential sense, he felt good to finally tell the truth. He felt the same, only with a sneaking suspicion that he’d have a headache tomorrow from all the crying. “You already knew,” he said, tenderly loosening his grip on Jonathan’s hand, but not letting go yet. “Thank you. For making it easy to say,” he said, after a beat of silence. Will searched Jonathan’s eyes, afraid he hadn’t said enough to assuage any guilt Jonathan was holding onto. “I think it just… took me a while to figure out what my feelings meant. And then, everything else,” he said, grimacing at the thought of all that had happened this year. The last few years. Too much for a lifetime. He was lost in that thought for a while.

“It’s not because of you, or mom,” Will clarified, though his mind was lightyears away. Jonathan’s words— his promise that someone out there will love him— had a haunting effect. Will had never doubted that he was loved, that he would be loved. He’d always known that his family and friends loved him. But romantic love felt like it was off the table. He remembered telling mom that he would never fall in love; it wasn’t so much a goal as it was the submission to what he felt was true. When he finally spoke up again, his voice sounded small, almost fragile: “Do you really think someone else will… that I’ll find someone? Like me?”

Jonathan:

His own eyes started watering, and he gave his brother a nanosecond to work into the confession. The waterworks always started as soon as Will cried ... It's been that way since time immemorial. He paid no mind to the numbing tingle in the tips of his fingers caught in Will’s vice grip, nodding encouragingly.  Jonathan, I’m Gay. Hearing confirmation of what he’d always known was a breath of fresh air. He stayed silent in fear of saying anything to interrupt his brother’s emotional breakthrough. Christ, he feared breathing too loud and stopping the big words from spilling into this quiet little safe space in his bedroom. Jonathan had picked up on a few signs (for a lack of better words) over the years – not to mention their conversation in Surfer Boy. His big brother sixth sense expected to hear an I’m Gay disclosure at some point. This was a huge moment for Will – And honestly, it was a very joyous moment in Jonathan’s mind. It’s not because of you or mom. That’s when he finally cut his brother off. “Will, feelings are … intense sometimes – it takes time to figure stuff out and you don’t have to have everything figured out right now, either. You’re growing up, you know? And I’m so proud of you for opening up to me about this – so proud ... that takes a lot of guts.” He maintained his gaze with a more serious glint, expression lit with unequivocal trust.  As much as he was an older brother and they’d operated consistently in a realm of honesty over the years… Jonathan was still a young person himself. Giving his brother a glimpse into his own vulnerabilities was uncomfortable, regardless of the age difference. “I think you’re old enough to hear this now but … I never really had anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff – love, relationships and everything that comes with that. There’s mom, you know? but sometimes you just need … someone that isn’t mom …” He swallowed to recenter himself on the point that he was trying to make. “I kinda had to figure it out on my own and … it sucked. You can always talk to me about this stuff – or like boy problems.” He cringed as soon as boy problems left his mouth. Could he have said something dorkier? Probably not. “There’s things that you won’t want to tell me or mom – and that’s okay, but there’s so many people who love you and would break their backs to help you – Hopper, Murray, your friends … Hell, there’s people who even do that for a living … and if – If I don’t have the answers to something, I’ll always help you find them, alright?”

He brushed a hand over his brow. Do you really think someone else will … that I’ll find someone? Jonathan used to ask himself the very same question. Still wonders about it sometimes. A slight chuckle caused mucus to catch in his throat and he promptly coughed it away. Both of his palms moved back to his knees, keeping a sly smile at bay. He really wasn't laughing at Will. The fact that his brother had any doubts about his own merits was amusing but the concern in Will's tone scared the living shit out of him. “You don’t … You don’t have to have to worry about finding someone. Trust me, someone will show up when you least expect it – and when you truly love yourself, inside and out, people are drawn to that ... Soon enough you’ll get grounded for sneaking boys into the house.”  He cracked some light into their conversation, but it was also entirely true. Will was still super young. It’s hard to feel desirable when you’re still growing into your own skin. Jonathan knew how that felt … And although it was probably impossible for Will to fathom, there’d probably be many someones … Boys who swell your heart to five times its size. Boys who deflate it. Boys who make promises.  Boys who show up late – or sometimes surprisingly on time. Boys who are dumb as hell …  Little did Will know that he’d probably meet handfuls of boys before settling on someone who makes his world stop spinning. That’s just life. Deep down Jonathan simply hoped that the right … someone … would be found outside of Hawkins. The world’s a big place and Will Byers deserved to experience everything that it had to offer. Period. That’s what Jonathan wanted for him. “By the way - Just so you know … Mom will find out even if they sneak out of your window.” He nudged his chin towards the single pane window in the corner of his room, picking up the collar of his t-shirt to wipe his nose. These days Nancy used the front door but back at their old place she was jumping out of his bedroom window like an acrobat for most of the summer before they took off to California. “Mom has a sixth sense for that shit so don’t even bother lying.” 

[jhdyuiee]

die with a smile

༯ pairing: soloist!jaehyun x fem!reader

༯ tags/warnings: angst, fluff, smut!, protected sex (reader is on pill), multiple positions & orgasms, kissing/making out, nipple/breast play, oral (f&m receiving), spanking, marking, hair pulling, name calling (good girl), pet names (my love, darling, baby), memory loss, minor drinking, cursing, stranger-to-lovers-to-strangers, car accident/crash, indication of blood, hidden relationship

༯ w.c: 14.3k!

༯ a.n: hi! i’m backs woohoo. this one came to me through hearing bruno mars & lady gaga’s new song “die with a smile” & with the great help of one of my mutals we made it possible! i’m not gonna lie this one was hard because i felt like in order to make it sad enough i had to put myself in that position. nonetheless i hope u all enjoy this one, probably one of my favorite writes. thank u for too for the continuous love and support, i love u all, take care, and stay safe! jiji out 🤍

༯ taglist! @dokyriu 🤍

you hummed the song playing overhead the store speakers as you stood behind the counter, waiting. for the most part, the store was empty, only garnering around 10 people since opening time. you quickly grew bored again, deciding to walk around the store. you fixed some records that were outta place, organized the booth where customers could listen to the records— heck you even swept the place. as you swept the door chimed, a customer. “hello! welcome, please feel free to browse around,” you put on your best employee voice and smile. the individual however didn’t respond, in fact he looked rather suspicious.

he was a tall man, with a black hoodie, face mask, cap, baggy jeans, and some—unusual–shoes. your eyes lingered on him a while longer while he sported straight to the indie records. however your curiosity soon died down, when you remembered you were still on the job.

as you went back to the register, you noticed the man walking towards you. he had a record in hand, you couldn’t make it out just yet until he stood just a couple inches apart. “would this be all?” you asked as he handed you the record.

cigarettes after sex, x’s

before he could even respond you bursted out in excitement. “wow! no way, you’re a fan too!?” if there was one thing about you, it was that you not only adored music in general, but a big fan of cigarettes after sex and their songs.

you kept looking at the man, watching as he brought his mask down. “yeah, i take it you’re one as well by the looks of it,” he says. you’re amazed, with his mask down you notice how attractive the once suspicious man was. not to mention his voice, it was a sweet melody of its own.

you nod shyly, “i’ve been a fan since like, ever.” a small smile touches his lips, “that’s impressive,” he says before taking a brief pause. you noticed as he observed you before asking, “you got any other recommendations?”

before you knew it, you quickly lost yourself in his question and the ones that followed. there wasn’t anything you loved more but to express your love for music, i mean after all this job was the whole reason you applied for it. being in a record store meant being surrounded by music, by your love and admiration. and if there was one thing you learned during your conversation with the man in front of you, it was that you two surprisingly had a lot in common. there were no words to explain how you felt, but you felt drawn to him. looking at it, you probably shouldn’t i mean you still didn’t even know his name!

a laugh came out of him as you blabbered about some crazy experience you had while attending a concert, until a phone started ringing. his phone. he reached for it from his back pocket where he excused himself to answer it.

you rang up his record, waiting for him to return so he could pay. when he did, he apologized for taking up so much of your time. “i-it’s alright, i was in need of a distraction,” you say as you look around the store. “it gets quite lonely here sometimes.”

he takes out a card from his wallet, tapping it on the card reader and when it reads it through, you hand him his record. “i had fun talking, i hope you have a gr-” you had started to bid him goodbye when he interrupted you.

“my names jaehyun. uhm, and if it’s alright can we- can we meet up again sometime?” he asks, noting as his ears turned red. how cute, you thought. also thinking how this was only supposed to be a one-time interaction. however you mind was already set even before you could tell what he was trying to say.

“of course, how about i give you my number so we can keep in touch?” you then proceed to ask. jaehyun nods his head, retrieving his phone and then handing it to you. he looks at you as you typed your number onto his phone, writing your name in the contact.

“my names y/n, y/l/n by the way. i’ll look forward to your call, or message.” jaehyun smiled, putting his phone away and grabbing the record. “i’ll see you then, y/n.”

your heart skipped, at either hearing him say your name or at his dimpled-smile he gave you as he walked out of the store. your eyes lingering on him as he disappeared.

“jaehyun,” you mumble to yourself. his name sounds a bit familiar, but no matter how long you searched you’d neve be able to find out why.

and when you finished your shift, grabbing your stuff from the employee lockers, you looked at your phone. one particular notification capturing you attention, and making your heart skip another beat.

unknown: how does this weekend sound?

you smiled, remembering him again. his smile, his voice, his everything. quickly saving his number, you then replied.

you: it sounds perfect

you: guess i’ll see you this weekend, jaehyun :)

walking out of the store and to your home, you couldn’t help but recount your interaction with him, smiling like a child. oblivious to the change that was about to come into your life.

you sighed, tossing another piece of clothing onto your bed. jaehyun was supposed to come pick you up in a couple of hours and you still couldn’t decide what to wear. you didn’t even know where he was taking you, he refused to tell you. this makes picking out an outfit for a date- wait a moment… was it a date?

you paused to think. he never explicitly said it was, you just sort of assumed it was. oh great… what if this wasn’t even a date and you’re over here trying to dress to the nines.

“ah fuck it,” you curse as you just grab an outfit you’d previously tossed onto your bed. i mean this would be fine right? it wasn’t a date, just two acquaintances meeting up to spark some friendship?

as you did your finishing touches, you glance over at your phone which had just begun to ring. you looked at the caller id, a smile plastered on your face.

“hello?” you hear the deep-dreamy–voice that you couldn’t get out of your head, on the other line.

a beat passes before you realize you have yet to answer. “h-hi!” you stumbled on your words and voice slightly too loud. though you couldn’t see it, your face felt hot with embarrassment.

on the other line a slight chuckle erupts from their throat. “everything alright? you’re not gonna cancel on me are you?” he asks.

“y-yes, sorry about that… just nervous,” you mutter the last words. “that’s a relief then since i’m already outside your home,” he responds.

you felt yourself slightly freeze. jaehyun was outside your home, like right now. when the thought registers in your mind, you quickly fumble, grabbing everything you needed before heading out.

“i’m going out right now,” you say, voice slightly panting at the speed you’re going. something within you didn’t even want to spend a second apart from him, a part of you needed to be in his company again. you couldn’t explain these indescribable feelings, however they didn’t bother you either.

as you make your way outside, you notice a black car parked in front of your home. soon after jaehyun comes out in all his glory. unlike the first time you saw him, he wore a white long-sleeved shirt, green cargo pants, and black shoes. nothing suspicious to the man.

“hey,” he says smiling so hard his dimples pop out. really, really cute, you thought. you fidget your hands before responding with a simple, “hi.”

the atmosphere felt a little awkward, but not uncomfortable. in a way it truly seemed like a date of a newly formed couple. however you squashed such thoughts; it’s not a date and you’re not a couple, you repeated in your head.

“shall we?” jaehyun asks, opening the passenger door. you nod before heading inside. after shutting the door, he makes his way to the driver’s side and begins to drive. plus points for being quite the gentleman, you thought.

the car was silent throughout the ride. in truth, this silence was killing you so you decided to speak up. “you’re not taking me to some place to murder me right?” you light-heartedly joked. you’d hoped it really is just a joke. jaehyun sighed, “you caught me.” you smiled, “well ain’t that too bad, you’ll have to postpone it for another day.”

“are you saying you’ll say yes if i ask to take you out again?” jaehyun says. it was a good thing you had your face to the window because you could’ve sworn your cheeks were pink.

“depends on how today will go,” you respond later. “speaking of which, you still won’t tell me where we’re going right?” you ask, finally gaining the courage to glance at him. to your surprise his eyes were already on yours. that darn red light, you cursed inside your head. a small smile appears on his face, “hm, nope.” he pops the word out as if to tease you.

“you’ll find out soon either way, we’re almost there,” he says, hitting the road again when the light turns green. the chatter between you two doesn’t die down, talking about just anything in the time it takes to arrive at the mysterious location.

looking out you recognized where this was. “a m-movie theater?” you questioned. i mean there was nothing wrong with it but it was definitely not at the top of your list of potential spots.

“i hope you like movies,” he says, unbuckling his seatbelt as he gets ready to get out of the car. following suit, you unbuckle your seatbelt and head out. the theater was quite empty as there weren’t many cars parked. when the two of your began walking you spoke up, “what movie are we watching?”

he faintly smiles, “it’s a surprise.” god, him and his surprises. “you know i think i might be the one to murder you first,” you say, earning you a genuine laugh out of the man. a smile touches your own face at the sound of his laughter, your heart too feeling warm.

you follow him, side-by-side, as you two enter the theater. you watched as jaehyun whips his phone out to present the tickets to the employee up front. when you two made it through he stops to ask, “want anything?” you ponder for a minute, “i guess some popcorn and a drink would be nice.” jaehyun nods before heading off to get the things you asked for. in the meantime, you fished out your wallet.

when he came back with one popcorn, two drinks, and some candy in hand you asked, “how much was it?” you’re not sure if he didn’t hear you or he chose to ignore you, but he began walking to the direction of the theater where the movie was going to be shown.

when you attempt to help him with the drinks, your fingers graze his. in just that small contact you could still feel the burning warmth of him spread throughout you. and of course being the gentleman he was he opened the theater door for you. “t-thank you,” you shyly thanked jaehyun as you stepped into the theater. you briefly waited for him to go inside before you followed him to your seats. located smack dab in the middle was how you found yourself. however curiosity still returned to you, what movie could th- wait, wait, wait.

you glance at jaehyun, only one popcorn. one popcorn and two people. oh god... “u-um, i-is that for the two of us to share?” you asked, hoping it doesn’t rub off the wrong way. “y-yeah, is that alright? i figured this would be most convenient,” jaehyun responded, you noted the slight stumble at the beginning. jaehyun has never once stumbled on his words.

you sink into your seat, god this was making it harder to not think it’s not a date. fortunately, you didn’t have any more time to worry about things as the movie soon started.

a tragic romance.

beautiful was an understatement for the film. you balled your eyes nearly the whole film. two lovers, madly in love until one dies. it might’ve seemed cliche but it was so beautifully written and executed that none of that mattered.

“wherever you go, that’s where i’ll follow.”

the last line the female lead mutters as she places a singular white flower on her lover's grave.

when the ending credits roll around and the lights turn on you suddenly remember you weren’t alone, jaehyun. you whip your head to your side, there he was. he turns his head a moment later. “i’m guessing you enjoyed it by the tears on your face.”

fuck, you forgot to wipe my tears away. you quickly get up from your seat, wiping the tears away talking to jaehyun as he walks behind you. “th-that’s n-not f-fair,” you stuttered on your words as the crying made you unable to talk. “what’s not fair?” he says in a playful tone. “t-taking me to watch a sad romance movie!” you slightly raise your voice as you turn around to face the man who caused these tears.

however your breath was caught. jaehyun only stood a few inches away from you. your eyes widened, face feeling hotter as he inches just a bit closer. you stood there frozen as jaehyun leaned down to your ear. “if i apologize, will you still agree to see me again?” he whispers. jaehyun’s hot breath burning your ear. you could’ve sworn your hearts thumping could be heard throughout the theater.

“we-well th-that’s not- you don’t need to do that… i was just kidding,” you say, your last words sounding more breathless. why, why, why… why were you feeling this way, feeling this way about jaehyun nonetheless?

“that’s a relief then,” jaehyun responds, moving from his spot in front of you to walk outside the movie theater. you stood there for a moment or two later before you rushed to his side again. the burn in your ear neverending.

on the ride back home the car was silent. you were too afraid to speak up, trying to gather your feelings. and before you knew it, you both were outside your home. yet before you could open the door to get out, jaehyun stops you with a call to your name. you turn around, eyes on his. “y-yes?” fuck, the constant stuttering was starting to piss you off. “so what’s your answer, will you go on another date with me?” he asks, so smoothly and calmly it shocks you.

d-date!? wait, so this actually was a date… “uh, uhm, this was a date?” you stupidly asked. jaehyun nods his head, “yes, at least that’s what i thought.”

“i- i tried telling myself it wasn’t…” you admit. “ah, it seems i should’ve made it clear. y/n, i asked you out on a date and i hope you would be open to going on another one with me,” he says so kindly it melts your heart.

god, you’re a fool for him. god, you li…

“i will, i’ll go on as many dates with you until you get tired,” you replied. jaehyun’s dimples popped out when he smiled widely, “you’ll probably be the one who gets tired of me first.” you too are smiling, “well then i hope neither of us ends up tired.”

“i hope so too,” jaehyun says, noting as he brings his hand to the back of your head. with his thumb he caresses your cheek, smiling at you so sweet like a lover does to their most beloved. it stayed like that for a good while before you snapped out of it. he wasn’t your lover… not yet.

“well then, i’ll see you next time. i’ll look forward to where you’ll take me next, just make sure i don’t cry again,” you start bidding him farewell. he retracts his arm, “i’ll keep that in mind. take care y/n,” jaehyun says.

opening the door you get out of the car, but before you leave you decide to give jaehyun a final farewell. “the date was actually really beautiful, i enjoyed it a lot. well then, drive back safely jaehyun,” you said smiling when you see his surprised face. you shut the door however, not letting him get a word in.

walking to the apartment complex’s door, you’re about to open it when you decide to take one final look. jaehyun’s car, unmoved. a small smile taints your face when you use one arm to wave goodbye. you were sure he must’ve seen, though you wished you would’ve seen his reaction.

on the way to your apartment, thoughts of jaehyun and your date today wouldn’t go away. it was the only thing you could think about and the only thing you could look forward to. you missed jaehyun already. it was thoughts like this and others that you finally were able to confirm.

you like jaehyun. The same man you met just a few days ago. no, you’ve been liking him since that day. you weren’t one to believe in that cliche, love-at-first-sight, but that day everything changed. jaehyun was able to do that, bringing you change.

every skip of your heart, every smile, laugh, tear, stutter; everything was a clear indication of your feelings towards jaehyun. and now that you’ve discovered this, you wanted more. you wanted to make jaehyun fall in love with you as well. it doesn’t matter how many dates you’ll have to go on, as long as he’s by your side that’s all that matters.

jaehyun, the man you like- no, love.

it took about a little over a month for you to quickly regret ever liking jaehyun, much less loving the man. thus you’ve spent the day ignoring his calls and messages, your upset and furry being in control for the day.

this all happened yesterday when he took you to the aquarium. there was nothing unusual about this date, well minus the part where he wore a mask and a cap. that was actually the first red flag.

the date was going good, great, superb. however when you were coming back from using the restroom you noticed two girls surrounding jaehyun. you watched as they excitedly talked to the man you were in the middle of date with. from the looks of it they were taking pictures with him before asking for his autograph. ok, red flag two.

a bit more chatter later before they excused themselves, noting the way jaehyun quickly brings up his mask and lowers his cap a little lower. this was your cue to go to him. though when you arrived he acted like nothing had just happened. ok… red flag 3?

fortunately, but unfortunately, the date continued as normal. the two of you exploring the aquarium, looking at the various species of fishes, going under the water bridge, touching stingray, everything.

you even thought maybe he would’ve brought something up on the car ride, but no, nothing. it wasn’t until after you finally reached your home that you decided to take matters into your own hands.

it truly was fascinating just how handy, dandy the internet was. a quick search to the name, jaehyun, and you were presented with just about every fact about the man you’d been seeing.

his name is jeong jaehyun, the same man you love, a celebrity. not just any, a soloist whose album had just come out a month prior to your first meeting with him. the more you scrolled, the more baffled you became because you had to find out his birthday, age, and everything else through the goddamn internet. not through jaehyun, the thought made you sad.

were you not trustworthy? why would he keep such a secret for you so long? was it intentional, or not?

you realized just how different you’re lives were. you a record store employee, he a global star who everyone had their eyes on. it was surprising how no one had discovered the two of you until now. heck, you didn’t even know either. then it clicked, you remembered why his name sounded so familiar. you recounted how some girls just a couple days before your meeting with him were mentioning his name, jaehyun.

and as you laid in bed last night, you couldn’t stop your brain from wandering, presenting various scenarios. what are you gonna do now? continue whatever you two had? end things?

you felt your heart ache a little, since a part deep down inside you didn’t want that. you selfishly still desired the man the world watched, you selfishly loved the man, the star they called jeong jaehyun.

as you continued recounting the events of last night, your doorbell rang. you got up, you weren’t really expecting anyone. however you still went to open it, only to be met with the one person you didn’t want to see.

as you tried shutting the door, you heard his hand bang against the door, stopping it from closing. this man is strong, you thought. succeeding in opening the door again, jaehyun steps in. the more he stepped in, the more steps you took back. neither of you said a word to each other until you almost stumbled. jaehyun quickly reaches for you, stopping you from falling.

what was this? a k-drama? you thought, shooing his arm that was around your waist away. you refused to talk first, so jaehyun did. “is everything alright? you weren’t answering my calls or texts so i thought i’d come over to check if you were still alive,” he says looking straight at you.

you decided it was best to be frank with him, no need to beat around the bush. “i don't know jeong jaehyun, you tell me.”

you note his eyes widen, his lips slightly parting when you said his name. “i- wh- jeong jaehyun?” he says as he stumbles on his words. you roll your eyes, was he really acting dumb right now, you thought.

“yes! you, jeong jaehyun! mr. singer!” you say, practically yelling everything. his mouth opens as if to say something before he shuts it back up again. this was infuriating you, he was infuriating you.

“h- how did you find out?” he decides to ask. “yesterday,” you replied, followed by the recounting of events you saw at aquarium.

“i- i see,” he just says as he turns his head to the floor. “were you planning to keep this from me?” you ask, biting on your lip.

he looks back up, “n-no! no- that wasn’t what i was trying to do.” he gets closer, and when you don’t move back he continues. “that was never my intention, i was going to tell you… though i never found the right opportunity to.”

his face turned soft, almost as if he were pleading with you to believe him. “it’s the truth y/n… please believe me. you know i would never lie to you, you know how hard i’ve been trying to get to know you, to spend time with you.”

“i- i believe you jaehyun but,” you start to say before you pause to find the right words. “you’re a star jaehyun, you and i both know this will not work out. i don’t want to ruin your reputation, your dream you’ve worked so hard to reach.” you felt your eyes begin to blur but you push the tears back. not right now, not in front of him, you thought.

he takes his hands and places them on your cheeks. “n- no y/n, my love… this is why i didn’t want to tell you, i didn’t want this. i didn’t want you like this, i could care less what the world would think about us. all that would matter in the end are my feelings for y-” he stops himself.

my love? my feeling for…? no, you’re lying. this has to be a dream right?

“fuck,” he curses lowly, taking one hand to rub his face. “pretend you didn’t hear that last part, i don’t want to tell you that to you just yet. could you wait a little longer for that?”

you slowly nod your head, “are you sure things would work out? between us?” you question, needing more reassurance before it’s too late to go back. jaehyun looks at you, taking your body into his. he wraps his arms around you, you fit perfectly around him. both of you feeling pleasant with each other's bodies, so warm, so perfect.

“it’ll be more than alright, i’ll make sure of it,” jaehyun says in a tone so reassuring that your worries are instantly washed away in an instant, long forgotten.

you two stay like that for a while, the time seeming to slow down. it was just so warm and comfortable that neither of you wanted to pull away. it was like you two were engulfed in your own worlds. that was until a phone started ringing, causing the warmth to leave you both. jaehyun let’s go of you, just clinging onto your hand as he reaches for his phone.

“it’s my manager,” he whispers. “yo-you should answer it then, i’ll go sit down,” you say but he tells you, it’s fine. you hear a male on the other line, and you were only able to hear him because of how loud he was screaming into jaehyun’s ear. from the looks of it, it seems he was scolding jaehyun for not being at his home so he could pick him up for a schedule.

you glance at jaehyun, the man drove all the way to see you despite having such a busy schedule. the action warmed your heart. you unconsciously, but consciously inched forward, tippy-toeing and placing a kiss on his cheek. the sudden action causing jaehyun to freeze mid-sentence.

“i-i’ll be there soon, bye,” he says, not bothering to wait for his manager to respond before he hangs up. “w-what was that for?” he asks, touching the place where your lips touched. you suddenly felt your face getting warm with embarrassment.

and when you didn’t say anything, jaehyun just smiled, this time he inched towards you. you close your eyes, only to feel his lips touch your forehead. you flutter them open, bringing your hand to touch where his lips touched. however before you could say anything, he started walking to your door.

“our next date, friday. i’ll see you then,” he says, leaving before you could even bid him goodbye. and when the door shuts, your legs give in, falling to the floor. you kissed him, he kissed you. oh god, this has to be a dream!

now than ever before you were wishing a day came sooner. friday. the day your dreams and wishes came true.

friday. the long awaited day. you stood outside your apartment complex, waiting for his car to arrive. this time you were the early one.

you were just too excited for today, too nervous to fall asleep last night. as you thought of the possibilities of today, you notice his car pulling up. a smile spreads across your face.

you begin walking as jaehyun gets out of his car. “you’re early,” jaehyun comments. “and you’re late,” you replied back even though there were still a couple minutes left until your official meet up time.

jaehyun smiles, as his eyes begin to wander your body. noting the way his eyes looked at you, up and down, down and up. and noting the way his tongue darts out to lick his lips, like a predator looking down on its prey.

“you look gorgeous today,” he comments when his lustful state leaves him. unlike the other dates, you dressed fancier as jaehyun recommended you to. so you’re wearing a long white, spaghetti strap silk dress. your heels hidden underneath. not to mention your make-up and hair were also top notch today.

“thank you,” you shyly said, pink adorning your cheeks. “you look handsome as well.” on the other hand, jaehyun abandoned the baggy jeans for some black dress pants and a designer top. his outfit eliciting obscene thoughts to run through your head. god, what if you were the predator…

“thank you, are you ready to go now? i don’t know how much longer i could wait,” he says as he holds your hand to drag you to the passenger seat of his car. “well, i can’t wait either,” you reply, smiling as you sit down.

as he begins to drive, you, like you’ve always done, ask him where he was taking you. however just like the first date, he is insistent on keeping it a surprise, and you know he won’t budge one bit. changing the topic, you ask jaehyun on how his week has gone. in which he talks about a photoshoot he had the other day for a well-known magazine. “i’ll make sure to buy your magazine,” you tease. “oh god, no, no… they’re not very… friendly,” he says as he tries looking for the right word.

you raise a brow at his comment, inquiring him more but he just tells you, “you’ll see.” before you knew it you’d arrived at the date destination. “where are we?” you ask as you look out the window. you were at a house, a big two-story house.

“my home,” he says, getting out of the car. his home?! you thought. “why are we here?” you ask, taking the hand he offered you. “on a date of course,” jaehyun says enthusiastically. “wh-what do you mean?”

“you’ll see,” jaehyun said, smirking as he began to drag you into his home. you very briefly take a look around his home. the vibe befitting of jaehyun, his home almost feeling like your home. you then crash into a hard wall, causing you to wince. however it wasn’t a wall, it was jaehyun’s back. “s-sorry!” you apologized, you were too distracted looking around his home that you didn’t notice he had come to a halt.

he turns around, no distance separating you two. “close your eyes,” he whispers. you obliged, closing them shut. your ears helped map out what was happening. you hear his footsteps going behind you until you feel his hands on both your shoulders. “i got you,” he whispers into your ear, his hot breath distributing throughout your body. jaehyun helps you walk forward, stopping you and you feel his hands disappear, his footsteps getting further away.

you call him, “j-jaehyun?”

“open your eyes, my love,” you hear him yell.

you begin to open your eyes slowly, your breath stopping as you take in the view in front of you. dimly lit lights scattered around the middle of his yard, with cushions and a small table in the middle with all sorts of foods and beverages. to others it might’ve seemed simple, but to you it meant everything.

you descend the steps until your feet touch the grass. no wonder he asked me to dress nicely, you thought. when you reach jaehyun, he takes your hand to walk you to your seat. you sit down on your cushion, watching as jaehyun walks to his.

“so, do you like it?” jaehyun says, a hint of nervousness evident in his tone. “like it? i love it!” you replied excitedly. jaehyun lets out a relieved sigh, his hand going on top of yours as his thumb caresses it gently. “that’s a relief, i spent all day trying to perfect it,” he says. you smile, “you did an excellent job, jae.”

“j-jae?” he asks. you nod, “you’re nickname, you don’t like it?” “n-no! i do, just caught me by surprise is all,” he continues as he smiles widely. “want something to drink?” he then asks. when you nod he then asks, “would you like some wine, or something else?”

“hmm, i’ll take you up on the wine,” you respond. his hand lets go of yours, to get the wine as he tries to open it and pour it in both glasses. “cheers,” you raise your glass, clinking with jaehyun’s. the taste of the wine was smooth, you liked it.

as you two continued downing the wine, the talk continued. making each other laugh and smile, enjoying each other's company. “are you hungry?” he asks mid-conversation. “a little,” you reply. “i got us some take out from this italian restaurant, i hope you like it,” he says as he serves you the food.

you take a bite of the pasta, moaning in delight. “it’s delicious,” you say, stuffing yourself in more pasta. jaehyun smiles, watching you enjoy yourself with the food. just looking at you made him full. however the noises you were making… that elicited explicit images across his mind. he felt his pants tighten.

“jaehyun?” you call out for him when he seems to zone out. “y-yes,” he says, coughing. “are you not going to eat?” you ask as you note he doesn’t have food on his plate. he shakes his head, “too nervous to eat, help yourself.”

oh and you do, the food being the most delicious italian food you’d ever tried. when no more could be eaten, jaehyun takes your hand again. “can you follow me for a moment,” he asks, almost hesitant and nervous. “yes, of course.”

both of you get up, hand in hand as you follow him. you walk a couple of steps before he stops. turning to face you, he grabs both your hands. now you’re nervous.

“y/n,” he calls your name, softly. “yes, jae?” the anticipation killing you. he squeezes your hands, “i love you.” your heart stops.

“i’ve loved you since the first time we met. and every moment we’ve spent since then has been the greatest gift to my life, you are my greatest gift. there isn’t a moment where i don’t think about you, desire you, love you. it’s gotten to the point where i can’t handle it anymore,” jaehyun confesses.

you’re at a loss of words, speechless at the words coming out of his mouth. your vision blurs, “i-i love you too,” you weakly say as tears begin streaming down your face. he lets go of your hands to bring his to wipe your tears away. his heart melts at the sight, you’re just too beautiful, too perfect for him. how could he ever let you go?

“y/n… wherever you go, that’s where i’ll follow. i’ma love you every night like it’s the last night. if the world was ending, i’d wanna be next to you. and if our time on earth was through, i’d wanna hold you for a while, and die with a smile.”

his words only made you cry all the more. you lunged on him, arms wrapping around him as you cried. he whispers to you so gently, so softly, “my love, will you be my girlfriend?”

you clutched him tighter, “yes! i’ll be your girlfriend, i’ll be your everything and anything. just as you’ve helped me, i want to do the same for you. i love you, i love you jaehyun.”

jaehyun too hugged you tighter, “i love you more, and i promise to protect you from  now on… i’ll shield you from those who hurt you.” he lets go to get ahold of your face, cupping it. “after all my love, you’re the woman i fell for.”

you melt at his words, tippy-toeing on your feet as you wrap your arms around his neck. you didn’t need to think twice before your lips found themselves on his. what was supposed to just be a delicate and gentle kiss evolved into something deeper, intense, and passionate.

jaehyun’s hands held you as if to not let go. his lips molding into yours so perfectly, you’ve never felt this way about a kiss before. however before it could get even more heated, he departs. both of you panting, eyes lustful, hungry.

“let’s go inside,” jaehyun says breathlessly, picking you up so easily. your legs wrapping around his waist as he carried you inside and onto the second floor.

⋆⁺✧˚ · .₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆₊˚ෆ

in a blink of an eye, you’d made it into jaehyun's room and onto his bed with your dress, heels, panties, and bra scattered somewhere inside. you two, too eager, began tearing each other's clothes off, craving for one another.

his hands couldn’t resist your curves, your soft skin. “you’re even more beautiful underneath,” jaehyun comments as he traces random patterns on your stomach. your legs closed, but your cunt needy. “you gonna be a good girl and let me touch you?” he asks in a low, deep voice. his hands coming to your knees, his lips kissing your legs.

“open up for me, my love,” he says as he looks up at you whilst he kisses your leg. this was so hot, you couldn’t resist. you slowly open your legs, your aching cunt coming into full display. you watch as jaehyun’s eyes get darker, something washing over him. he tugs on your thighs, pulling you closer. your breath hitched as you felt his fingers ghost around your pussy, you clenched around nothing.

“p-please,” you whimper, not being able to take this any longer. jaehyun’s eyes landing on you, “please what darling?” he asks as if to test you. “yo-your fingers… please put them… in-inside,” you shyly asked, pleading to feel him finally touch you where you most needed it.

jaehyun smirks, finding you so fucking adorable as you begged him to practically finger-fuck you. he reaches over, smashing his lips onto yours. you tasted so delicious, already becoming so addicted to you. however you had no time to focus on the kiss as you felt his fingers teasingly stroke your pussy. you moan into his mouth when his thumb rubbed on your clit.

his lips leave yours, making their way down. biting, sucking, kissing, and licking all the way from your jaw to the valley of your breast. trailing his lips to one of your tits, he sucks around your nipple, tongue flickering as he bites down. it wasn’t until he marked your tit up before he moved to the other one, repeating his actions. all the while you tried to keep your voice down by biting roughly onto your bottom lip.

“it’s alright darling, let your voice out. there ain’t no one here besides you and me, and you best believe i wanna hear my name coming out of that sweet mouth of yours,” he says before departing from your tit with a pop. satisfied seeing the marks on your tits, he moves his head to where his fingers continue to tease you.

he watches your face twist when his fingers finally enter you. two digits, inside you fitting so snug around your gummy walls. “well would you look at that,” jaehyun groans, taking his fingers out. “look at how wet you are just from some kissing and tit sucking.” you watch him, eyes-on-eyes, as he brings those two fingers to his mouth. he eats your essence off his fingers, groaning in satisfaction at your taste.

“you taste so sweet, so delicious i could eat you all night- no, all my life long.” once he feels he’s gotten every drop of you off his fingers he shoves them back inside you. the sudden intrusion, shocking you that you arch your back. he scissors his fingers inside you, trying to open your tight cunt up but to no use. you still clench around his fingers, the pleasure fulfilling. he reaches you so deep as he fucks his fingers into you, trying to learn and find your pleasure points. you became a map, one he must find his way around in order to find the prized treasure.

“s-so deep!” you yell out when you feel his fingers grasp at your g-spot. he’s got you now, increasing his pace as he continues hitting that spot. your pussy’s squelching noises echoing throughout the room along with your moans. feeling yourself grow closer to coming, your walls clench around his fingers that weren’t stopping their ruthless fucking. adding his other thumb into the mix, he shoved it into your mouth. “suck,” he says roughly and a bit impatiently.

your eyes look at him, as you sucked on his thumb and swirled your tongue around it. a low curse leaves his lips as he takes his thumb out of your mouth to bring it to your clit. using the wet thumb to freely rub against your clit, sometimes bringing his other finger into the mix so he could pinch the bud.

“f-fuck, y-yes! just- just like that j-jae, ye-yes baby~” you moan, the pleasure consuming you, so close to bringing you crumbling down.

“cum on my fingers my love, i know you could do it, i feel you,” jaehyun says, trying to get his words to send you tipping over the edge. and god does it work, you came hard around his hand, arching your back and rolling your eyes til you almost saw white. nonetheless jaehyun didn’t stop, continuing to fuck his fingers in knuckles deep into your pussy. the over-stimulation, erupting smaller orgasms from you.

“s-so good,” you breathlessly say when he finally stops. his fingers coming back to his mouth where he licked his fingers, swirling his tongue around. jaehyun truly couldn’t get enough of the taste of you. “you’re so good,” he says, bringing his lips onto yours again. you can faintly taste yourself on his lips as he kisses you. his tongue, wanting to enter in which you let it. heatedly kissing, you find yourself beginning to grind against his boxers. you feel the hard, thick cock against your wet cunt.

“w-want you,” you say in between the kiss. jaehyun halts, “me or my cock?” you stay quiet, not knowing what to say. “b-both,” you decide on truthfully answering. jaehyun smirks at this response, leaning back and getting off the bed. you sit up, watching the man as he takes his boxers off. your mouth falling slightly open, nearly drooling at the sight.

he was big, girthy, and aching. you note the residue of pre-cum coming out of his red tip. “don’t stare too much, it’ll be yours soon,” jaehyun says as he comes back onto the bed. your breath hitches when he’s only a couple inches away. he slides his cock between your folds, rubbing himself on you, gathering your juices around his cock.

“i forgot to buy condoms, so we’ll just need to do this for now-” jaehyun explains before you interrupt him. “i-it’s fi-fine! i-i’m on the pill,” you say, getting rather shy at the end.

“shit, i swear you're going to be the death of me,” jaehyun says before grabbing onto his cock. his tip almost enters you before he stops, “ready?” you nod, needing him to enter you now. jaehyun slowly pushes his tip inside, feeling as you tightly wrap around him. “re-relax a bit for me baby,” he softly says. however his words didn’t help, you couldn’t relax around his cock so he decided to distract you by kissing you once more. getting so engulfed in the kiss, you don’t worry and start loosening up, allowing his cock to slowly but surely enter you.

when he parts a string of saliva connects both your mouths. jaehyun looks at your cunt which has now swallowed him. “s-so hot, so tight, fuck,” he curses when he sees the bulge in your stomach. reaching to grab your hand so you could feel him. “fe-feel me? right here,” he says. your eyes widened, he was reaching you deep.

“i’m gonna start moving, hold on,” he warns you. you take up on his warning, wrapping your arms around his neck. he plants a kiss on your forehead before he slides out only to then slide back in. it starts off slow, getting adjusted to one another, testing the waters. however, you had other plans.

“f-faster… please jae, fuck me faster~”

this knocks every last bit of jaehyun’s self control, logic, gentleness, and everything sweet out the window. replaced with a rougher, uncontrollable jaehyun. lifting one of your legs over his shoulder, while the other is pressed down against your chest he starts pounding into you. in the way you begged him to, his cock reaching you even deeper than his fingers. you could almost feel yourself close to coming already. you clench tightly around his cock, jaehyun taking this as a signal you were close to coming.

“it’s al–fuck--alright my-my love, cum around my cock. let me feel you whither around me,” he moans as he feels you clench around him when he ruthlessly thrusts into you. the fucking was so intense, your mind became dazed. all you could think about was his cock, the way he looked down at you with those eyes of his.

“ev-ever since i saw you in th-that dress, i’d wanted to bend y-you over and devour you, my love,” jaehyun says. the slapping of his balls against your ass echoing the room, along with the moaning of both of you. he tightens his grip on your thigh, pulling you body closer, deeper. maneuvering his thumb back onto your clit he starts abusing the now swollen bud again, whispering praises. you felt his cock twitch as your orgasm came crashing out of you.

your body shuddering, gasping for air as you were completely spent. his cock still fucking into you, his hands no longer on your legs or clit but on your waist. gripping onto the flesh tightly, fucking your body onto his cock. your voice loud, moaning as he overstimulated you. he leaned down, capturing your lips as his cock twitched before releasing his warmth. your walls painted white, womb filling up with all of him.

thrusting slower into you now before slipping out. your pussy feeling empty, dripping with cum. jaehyun couldn’t get enough of the sight in front of him, he wanted more. he needed you once more, you needed him once more.

“one more round, please my love,” jaehyun grunts. your fucked state, making him hard again. “p-please,” you beg. he groans before taking your body to gently and swiftly flip you around, your stomach against the mattress. “up baby, on your hands and knees,” his low, deep voice commands.

you weakly do as he says, your body is practically like jelly. from behind, jaehyun feels your ass. he fondles it, loving the way it feels. slap. “ah-“ you shout in shock. the harsh slap against your ass, causing you to stumble forward.

“you like that? what a dirty girl,” jaehyun teases, feeling as his cock rubs against your slit again. his hands traveled to your hips, gripping them and slamming himself into your cunt. both of you letting out moans as you felt one another again. “still so tight for me, aren’t i luck?” you muttered back something incoherent, your brain scrambed as he fucks his cock into you faster, harder, intensely. he reached you so beautifully and effortlessly from behind.

you ached for more so you began throwing yourself back against him. jaehyun watches, stopping his thrusting to watch you cutely fuck back onto his cock. he curses himself, feeling his cock twitch, aching for its release.

you were oblivious to him not thrusting into you, finding yourself enthralled by the pleasure you were giving yourself. his cock, was made for you; he was made for you, the two of you made for one another. you continued for a while longer, turning your head behind to look at the man you love. your thrusting comes to a halt when you notice him just looking at you dangerously.

“wh-what?” you ask confused. drool escaping your lips, tears adorned your eyes. he leans in, “my baby so needy she doesn’t notice the show she’s been giving me,” he whispers before departing. his hands coming to slap your ass again on both sides. his action weakening your arms, you flop on the bed, your ass still sticking up. you hear a low, tsk, come out of his mouth before grabbing your arms, bringing them behind you. you’re lifted, he uses your arms to push you onto his cock.

jaehyun’s thrusting starts again, going insane whilst he also uses you to fuck agaisnt him. and with one brutal thrust of his cock inside you, you’re tipped over the edge. your third orgasm of the night exploding over you. you faintly hear jaehyun groan then curse in the background before he comes inside you once more, filling you all the more.

letting go of your arms, you instantly flop onto the bed. you’re spent, utterly fucked out of your mind. your body still trembling after all the aftermath of the mind-blowing sex you’d just had with jaehyun.

jaehyun too, collapsed onto your side. his arms wrapping around your body as he pulls you against him. he turns you to face him. using his hands to move the hairs stuck on your face. “good job baby, you did good,” he praises you. “i’ll clean you up in a bit, my love, just rest for now.” you feel his lips gently place a kiss on your forehead, fluttering your eyes shut. your breath calms, lulled into a deep sleep.

⋆⁺✧˚ · .₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆₊˚ෆ

you feel something hard pressing against your back. the feeling waking you up, the sun shining through the windows. you attempt getting up when you suddenly feel trapped by something heavy. you travel your eyes down to that something, an arm. you're confused for a brief moment before flashbacks of last night flow through your head. your face heating up, your cunt twitching.

in your attempt to lift jaehyun’s arm you feel the man stir behind you. “mmm, stay in bed for a while longer,” you hear him mumble against your ear. he sounded asleep, but his cock was not. his cock stood proudly against both your bodies. you feel his pre-cum wetting your back. this made your pussy ache, growing wetter. fuck. it only morning and you already want to get dicked down.

biting your lip, you hesitate whether or not to wake jaehyun up so he could help fulfill your desire. fuck it, you thought. using all your might, you get out of his embrace. turning him onto his back, you straddle him. the change in position, waking jaehyun up. he almost believes he’s still dreaming.

neither of you say a word, instead you crawl behind, in between his legs as you hold his cock. it felt rock hard in your hands, hot even. “fu-fuck,” jaehyun curses as you start jerking his cock. you watch his expressions carefully, eyes still on him as you lick up the tip. you dart your tongue around his tip, licking up his pre-cum.

your hands gripping the base, as you began taking him in slowly into your mouth. he was so big and girthy that you struggled in getting him fully inside your mouth, trying your hardest to breathe. you let out a moan around his cock when you feel his hand fist your hair. the moan sending pleasure throughout jaehyun’s body. your mouth was just as perfect as your sweet cunt.

you look up, eyes blurry with tears from taking his cock so deep. you kept your eyes on him as you continued bobbing your head, running your tongue along the shaft. his eyes close, throwing his head back. he fists your hair tighter, finding yourself enjoying it. your wet cunt dripping down your thighs. you increased your pace, hands working in tandem with your mouth as you continued bobbing your head. you felt him twitch inside your warm mouth. however, just as you thought you’d have him cum inside your mouth, he pulled your head back with the fisted hair he had around his hand.

you let out a whine, upset at the loss of having him cum inside your mouth. yet before he could say anything you hovered over his cock, rubbing his tip along your wet cunt. grabbing his cock, you begin sinking it inside you. the stretch feeling so good for both parties. neither of you getting accustomed to each other. your mouth falls open when you feel that he’s all inside, eyes wandering to his.

jaehyun was completely lost in the sight in front of him. the way he felt your sweet cunt felt around him was unbelievable. he grasps onto your hips, finger tips digging into your skin. he watches as you lift yourself up before slamming back down into him. jaehyun enjoyed watching his cock disappearing inside you, turning him on all the more.

“f-fuck, just like that,” jaehyun grunts. your hands on his chest, leaning forward as you throw your ass onto his cock, grinding your clit on him to get some stimulation. his hands travel to your ass, digging into the flesh before slapping one of your ass cheeks. then another, slap. slap. slap. the constant slapping of his hands on your ass could be heard around the room.

“keep riding my cock, my love,” jaehyun said, in a low sultry tone. igniting you, you continue. when he feels your pace falter, he helps you out. digging his fingers into your hips to dive you back on his cock. faster, faster; deeper, deeper.

a rough thrust or two later before you’re a trembling mess on top of him as your orgasm hits you. your lips attaching themselves onto his neck, lightly sucking on his skin. jaehyun still hasn't cum yet, spreading your ass as he dives into you roughly. his lips finding yours, moaning into your mouth when he finally came. his cock twitching inside you, making you feel all warm again.

“fuck, what a way to start the morning,” jaehyun says softly, pecking you on your temple. you giggle, “sorry, just can’t seem to get enough of you.” a chuckle erupted from his throat, “neither could i, it’s almost as if we’re made for one another.” to this you nod, resting yourself on his chest.

the two of you spending the day in bed together, not being able to keep your hands off each other. you two only get up to eat and use the bathroom. even showering didn’t stop him from taking you from behind. orgasm after orgasm, the two of you are completely inseparable. loving one another to the fullest.

“i love you so much my love,” jaehyun whispers when you two find yourselves collapsed on his bed again. you gently place a kiss on his lips, i love you so much more jae,” you muttered before falling asleep again in his warm embrace.

it’s been just over a week since you and jaehyun had officially started dating. not a single moment goes by where he doesn’t show his adoration for you, you two completely smitten with one another. he always makes time in his schedule for you, and you too try being considerate. after all, your boyfriend was a star, not just your star, but a world star.

today however was an important day, a day you and jaehyun have been dreading. the day you meet his manager. although jaehyun made sure to come clean to his company about your relationship with him, they insisted his manager meet up with you. jaehyun agreed under the condition he was there as well.

the date was set for today, so now you’re waiting on jaehyun’s couch for the two of them to come bursting in. the other day jaehyun had given you a key to his home so you could come inside whenever you wanted. your leg shook from nervousness, your mind wandering to stupid scenarios like him kicking you to the curb.

however you reassured yourself nothing of the sort was going to happen, after all they hadn’t told jaehyun he was to break-up with you the day he came clean to them. you take a deep breath in when you hear the door open. fuck. your stomach getting nervous, the food you’d aten wanting to make an appearance on jaehyun’s black fur rug.

you stand up just in time as jaehyun and a male besides him come walking in. he was slightly shorter than jaehyun, clad in casual clothes. “h-hello,” you nervously greet, bowing at the man.

“hello ms. l/n,” he greets you back. you're a bit puzzled at how he knew your last name. perhaps jaehyun told them, you thought as you tried shoving the useless thought aside. “no need to be so nervous my love,” jaehyun says, walking to your side. he’s oddly calm, sitting down. his manager takes a seat across from the two of you, you too take a seat besides jaehyun.

“i already said hello, but i have yet to introduce myself properly. hello, i’m jaehyun’s manager, lee dohwa,” his manager finally introduces himself. “nice to meet you mr. lee, i’m y/l/n,” you introduce yourself as well even if he already knew your name. “my girlfriend,” jaehyun adds, both you and his manager glare at him.

mr. lee clears his throat before speaking, “well it’s finally nice to meet you ms. l/n, your name has gone around the company quite a lot as of late.” you tense, growing nervous. “ah, no need to be so nervous. i’m not here to make you guys end things, nor is the company. we’re in understanding of the situation, jaehyun made that clear a few days ago when he told us,” his manager talks. you listen intently, nervousness washing away at the fact they really aren’t going to break you up from jaehyun.

“which led to the company asking jaehyun whether he wanted to go public, but the guy told us it was up to you to decide.” up for me to decide? you thought, turning to face jaehyun who just listened to the conversation. he looks up at you, bringing his hand to caress your cheek. “it’s true baby, it’s your word. if you want to go public, we’ll go public but if you don’t then we won’t,” he assures you. your heart melting at how much he cared for you, treasured you. it was a big decision to make, you thought long and hard about it. you tried finding pros and cons, eventually scrapping those off. you thought it’d be best to listen to what your heart wanted.

“i- i don’t want to go public,” you say with a bit of hesitation. you glance over at jaehyun to see his reaction only to find him smiling and mouthing, good job. “alright,” his manager says before continuing, “if that’s what you want, we’ll respect both your wishes. however you must still try and keep things under wraps and not get caught because then we’ll have no choice but to confirm the rumors.”

you nod, understanding the situation. “and if you ever change your mind, let jaehyun know and we’ll figure something out,” the manager clarifies. “got it, thank you so much mr. lee,” you sincerely thanked the man. he got up from his seat, “well, then since that’s out the way i have to get going.”

“leaving so soon?” you asked, following him as he walks to the door, jaehyun too follows. “yeah, i still gotta go back and report to the company. don’t worry jaehyun’s all yours for the day,” he says. you slightly blush at his comment, knowing what will happen once his manager leaves. as he grabs the doorknob he stops, turning back around. “ah, i almost forgot, could you get me water jaehyun?” he asks. jaehyun sighs, going back into his house to retrieve a water bottle for his manager.

in the meantime his manager takes the opportunity to get your contact information. “figured i’d ask you now that jaehyun isn’t around since i’d doubt he’d let you exchange information with me,” his manager explains as you type in your phone number. you hand him back his phone, “i’ll have you send me your email later too, the company will probably need it.” you nod as jaehyun comes back. he hands him the water bottle before he finally opens the door. mr. lee bids you both a final goodbye before leaving.

you close the door as jaehyun’s arms wrap around your waist. he tenderly kisses an exposed part of your neck. “what do you want to do now?” you ask. you feel him smile against your neck, “i know of a couple ways to spend the rest of the day, maybe even night.” god, this guy was going to drive you even more insane.

and so for the rest of the entire day you spent it with one another entangled, desiring one another. unable to let the other go, the two of you feeling at home.

“our love’s being the only war worth fighting for.”

10 months later.

d-day. the long awaited encore concert, jaehyun’s encore concert. after almost 10 months of touring the world, it’d finally come to an end today. it felt like it was just yesterday when his company announced he’d be touring. not to mention it was almost a month after you two started dating, that he would start his tour. as a consequence, you two refused to leave each other’s embrace, he devoured you whenever he could as he wouldn’t be able to see you for weeks on end. however you still encouraged him whenever you could, time difference being the only thing making things hard. at times it’d resort to the two of you having phone sex, you two truly were unable to live without the other.

nevertheless, whenever he’d be back, he would make time in his schedule to take you out on dates. the two of you putting up quite the disguise of face masks and caps every time. throughout the months you felt the relationship grow stronger with each passing day. you were the happiest you’d ever been and it was all because of jaehyun, your star.

today however finally marked the final of his tour and his manager encouraged you to come and watch again. you were hesitant at first, fearful of being found out. yet he had the genius idea of disguising you as staff. and so now here you were, entering the building with a staff badge hanging around your neck. you perfectly blended in, going unsuspected. mr. lee finds you, greeting you and walking you to where you were going to reside.

a vip lounge.

when you got there you noticed two familiar faces, jaehyun’s parents. you’d met them not too long after you met with his manager. they welcomed you so openly and warmly it almost made you cry. they treated you as if you were their own daughter.

“y/n!” his mother excitedly says your name when she sees you. you call for her too, being embraced into a hug. when you let go you bow to his father who stood beside his wife. “y/n, nice seeing you again,” he greets you. “you as well mr. jeong,” you politely greet.

“y/n,” jaehyun’s manager calls your name behind you, stopping the joyful reunion. “you’ll stay here, pose as staff and guide them backstage when the concert is concluded,” he explains. you nod, understanding the responsibility you now bear. he bids you three a goodbye before quickly exiting. being a manager sure it tuff, you thought.

“how are you!” jaehyun’s mother continues. and as you answer her the two of your converse into some deep conversations. the hour went by quickly while being in the company of his parents since before you knew it the lights turned off, fans screamed and stood up with their phones out, trying to get a glimpse of the star who was about to go onstage.

you watch intently, seeing him, your boyfriend, being lifted up stage. his presence radiating, illuminating, you almost didn’t wanna blink, afraid you’d miss even just a second of him. he starts singing, you hear as his fans sing along and wave their lightsticks. It warmed your heart, you secretly thanked them for supporting your beloved.

it wasn’t your first time seeing jaehyun in a concert, but you still couldn’t get over the fact that the stage seemed like jaehyun’s home. it was a place where he stood out so beautifully, belonged in. he made you so goddamn proud. and as you continued watching the concert, you found yourself singing along, yelling, and crying— you resembled a fangirl. you honestly didn’t mind, after all you were his number one fan.

as the concert was coming to a close, jaehyun was giving his ending ment. he continuously thanked everyone and everything. however that wasn’t what captured your attention, it was what he said last that not only captured yours but the fans attention as well.

“and very soon, i have an announcement to make. i can’t spoil anything yet but just know i hope that you all can continue to support me,” jaehyun said, smiling so wide his dimples were on full display on the screens. to the fans, they might’ve thought it was an announcement of a comeback, but to you, you knew it was something entirely different.

it all happened a couple months ago during one of the times jaehyun had taken you out. you felt the urge to talk to him about this pending thought. “wh-what if we go public?” you abruptly say in the car as he drove you two to his house. he’s stopped at a red light, the perfect opportunity. he glances over at you, his hand squeezing yours. “it’s whatever you want darling, i’ve told you… wherever you go, that’s where i’ll follow,” he reassures you, taking your hand to kiss your knuckles. “i-i want to go public, well not now but maybe soon, perhaps when we make a year,” you say, his eyes tearing away from yours when the light turns to green. “alright my love, we’ll do that,” he replied back, a smile tainting his face.

though you two haven’t talked about it since then, you both know that your two year anniversary is right around the corner. it made you happy knowing he still remembered. he always seemed to know everything, he truly was the perfect man you could’ve ever asked for.

he sings two more songs before the concert officially comes to an end, his tour finalizing. once he’s off that stage, you and his parents hurry backstage as you try avoiding running into any fans. luckily you two made it without a hitch. you find his manager in the halls, waiting for you three. he then guides you to the lounge area where jaehyun later arrives in. he instantly bursts out smiling seeing all his beloved people gathered. he starts off by greeting his parents, hugging them and kissing them. jaehyun moves along to you, in which you immediately wrap your arms around his neck.

“you did amazing out there jae,” you whisper into his ear. “thank you my love, i could feel your presence and felt all the more motivated,” he says. you two depart from each other's embrace and instead give one another a loving peck on the lips.

the four of you relaxed for a while, until food and a cake came inside. “to celebrate,” mr. lee announces. everyone in there having a good time, you were having an amazing time. although the touch of jaehyun’s fingers on your thigh elicited you to think of other things. your mind goes off the rails. however you knew what jaehyun was doing here, what he was trying to tell you. you glances over at him beside you, only to catch him doing the same. a small smirk spreads across his face, your panties growing wet.

⋆⁺✧˚ · .₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆₊˚ෆ

you two made it to his car before he began tearing your pants off you. earlier as the, congrats-on-a-good-tour, party had been wrapping up, jaehyun decided to excuse you two. he insisted on driving you two back home, which his manager allowed. he knew he wouldn’t win against jaehyun. and so when you two said your final goodbyes to his parents, he practically had you running to the parking garage underneath the venue. he told you to get into the backseat in which he then joined you as well.

now you find him tearing your clothes away from your body, throwing it to the passenger seat. you laid in the backseat, naked with nothing but your cute red panties. jaehyun licked his lips before going in between your legs. he pries them open, each leg on one of his shoulders. he kisses your you inner thighs, nibbling on the skin.

when he comes face-to-face with your pussy he darts out his tongue where he kitty licks you through your underwear. you bite down on your bottom lip as he plays with your clit. your panties growing even wetter, mixing along with him, eventually he finally removes your panties, stuffing them in his pocket before going back down.

with both his thumbs, he spreads your pussy lips apart. tongue licking you up so slowly you felt yourself clench around nothing, you ached. he flicked your clit before suddenly intruding his tongue inside you.

you moaned loudly, arching your back off the car seat as his tongue fucked itself in you. opening you up against your gummy walls, reaching you so deep. the wet noises infiltrated the car. your hips began grinding against him, one of your hands flying to his hair. you urge him deeper, he moaned from the action, sending sensations of pleasure to course throughout your body.

jaehyun kept going at it with his tongue, his pace quick. he travels a hand to your tit. jaehyun groped it as he used his fingers to play with your nipple, pinching the bud hard, and causing you to moan. whilst he used his other hand to start playing with your clit. abusing the poor thing, and not too long after he takes his tongue out of you. you whine at the loss of sensation.

“it’s alright my love, i’ll let you cum soon,” he says before getting up and sitting against the car seat. “come here,” he says, eyes looking at you like a predator.

you waste no time in straddling his lap, his lips coming onto your to engulf you into a steamy kiss. tongues fighting one another, teeth clashing, and a little tug on your bottom lip. “ride me. take me like a good girl right here,” he says in a sultry tone.

you couldn’t afford to waste time, you quickly sunk yourself into his cock. you still couldn’t get used to his length, it took a bit for you to get accustomed. his hands gripped your hips, guiding you into his cock. he plowed you in and out, watching his cock disappear inside of you, exciting him. “shit, good girl. you’re my good girl aren’t yo—fuck—you,” he grunts when he feels you tightening around his cock. an indication you were close to reaching your high. from getting tongue-fucked, it left you desperate for your release.

jaehyun was no cruel man, he helped you reach your high with a pleasurable play on your clit. he pounded into you once before you’re orgams came washing over you. you throw your head back, tongue lolling out.

“fuck, so beautiful,” jaehyun mutters, his high not too far away. as he continues fucking into you, you cling onto him. your arms wrapped around him, your lips sucking on his neck, marking him. and with a slap to your ass, he came inside you. panting heavily, he finally stops. the windows fogging up, you’d hoped no one had seen you two. yet there was something so hot about being seen, the thought turning you on.

jaehyun felt you clench, he knew what you were thinking about, he always did. “you dirty girl, wishing everyone saw you being fucked by me,” he smirks. god, something about the way he talked to you, ignited you even more.

you whisper into his ear, “yes, so fuck me more jae~ let everyone see how much i love you.”

jaehyun felt as though he could die right now, by you and your words. he wastes no time giving you a nice good fucking, round after round until your two couldn’t no more, needing a bigger space. he finally decides to drive off, driving while he had his fingers in your sweet pussy, fucking their way inside you until you saw stars.

even as you made it through the front door he took you from behind, moving to the living room, kitchen, bathroom, and his bedroom. he took you wherever and whenever around his home. and once both you have had enough of one another, you’re lulled into a deep sleep.

jaehyun’s pov.

today was the day, our one year anniversary. i’d planned a big day for the both of us today, and right now i’m heading to pick her up. i’m stopped at a red light, my thoughts infiltrated with her and the year we’ve spent together.

not only was it our one year, but today i’d planned to propose to her. i clutched my unoccupied hand around the velvet box. i purchased the ring a while back, i knew i’d wanted to marry her. she was my everything, i couldn’t live without her, her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her beauty, her personality, her everything, the flaws. at times it felt like she and i were specially made for one another. destined beings meant to be with one another. she had become my greatest gift, and from that day a year ago, i knew i wanted to marry her, build a family with her, and be with her during my last dying breath.

and once i’d propose to her, i’d like to officially announce our relationship and marriage. today was going to be the perfect day. even the weather was in my favor, i couldn’t wait to see her reaction to the ring, her face when she-

crash. bang. slam.

red, my vision was painted red. glass scattered on the floor, i was paralyzed. my car had been flipped over. shit.

no, no, no this couldn't be happening right now. no, please god not now, not today. my mind thought of y/n, she was still waiting for me to arrive. i clenched my hand on the box, it still was in my hand. today was suppose to be our one year, the day i asked for her hand in marriage, the day we’d spend eternity today.

as if a twist of events, droplets of rain began dripping down my face. i could feel my eyes wanting to close. no, fuck, jaehyun stay awake, i thought. y/n is waiting for you, she is-

black, i saw black. the noises stopped, everything became silent. the last thing i saw was y/n, my love, my beloved, my soulmate. i wished i could’ve spent one last time with her, "right next to you y/n, right next to you."

you grew worried. jaehyun hadn’t arrived yet, he hadn’t even messaged or called you to tell you he was going to run late. not to mention something your gut told you something wrong happened. you couldn’t shake off this feeling. you even tried calling him, but to no avail. he wasn’t answering. and so you resorted to calling his manager, but he too did not answer.

you impatiently waited for something, but nothing came until the afternoon arrived. your phone begins to ring, you immediately retrieve it. it was jaehyun’s manager. you quickly answered, not bothering to let him talk first. “mr. lee, hi! have you heard from jaehyun? he hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts, please le-” you rant quickly, wanting to seek answers but are interrupted by a distraught mr. lee.

“y/n, i’ma need you to hear my carefully,” he starts off. your worry increasing and your gut twisting. “j-jaehyun’s in the hospital right now, if you can you should come before his surgery finishes.”

“s-surgery?” you ask, voice wobbling. “y-yes, this morning, i’m guessing on his way to pick you up, he was involved in a car accident, it was bad. jaehyun was unresponsive when paramedics arrived, but was still breathing. he had a pretty nasty cut to his head and the doctor advised to quickly operate on him,” mr. lee explained the situation.

you don’t even remember much after that. you screamed in agony, tears nonstop as they roll down your face. you quickly head over to the hospital, ignoring the herds of news stations reporting. it disgusted you, how could they when your beloved was barely holding up.

you rush to the front of the hospital, asking to let you see jaehyun but that’s when mr. lee steps in to let you go with him. you rush together outside the operating room where jaehyun was at. you shook as mr. lee continued telling you details of what had happened earlier that morning. it hurt you, you couldn’t believe it. today was supposed to be your one year anniversary, the day you two celebrated in harmony, in love, with one another. yet here you were, in a hospital, awaiting news of the conclusion of his surgery. you’d never cried this much in your life.

in the midst of it all, jaehyun’s parents had arrived as well. his mother completely distraught, embracing you as you two prayed for jaehyun’s successful surgery. it felt neverending, like years had been passing by. why were they taking so long, why, why, why. you couldn’t take this anymore, what if he… what if he didn’t… you couldn’t even finish the thought. no, you thought. he was going to make it, he was the strongest person you knew. he was the brightest star that shunned.

“i, i just woke up from a dream. where you and i had to say goodbye.”

an hour or two passed by again before the operating sign turned off and a doctor came out. you and mrs. jeong stood up from the floor. all of you greeting the doctor, standing around him as he started to explain in detail jaehyun’s injuries.

“luckily, nothing life-threatning, the surgery was able to go about successfully. though we’re not sure when he’ll wake up, i can guarantee everything went well. it’s a miracle he made it out alive, he truly is a strong one,” the doctor said as he glanced over at jaehyun's parents during the last part. you sighed in relief, finally being able to breath after getting confirmation he truly was alright. 

you all thanked the doctor, and thanked the heavens above that jaehyun had survived everything.

soon, a nurse came out informing you four that he’d been moved to a room and you all quickly rushed over there. your eyes watered again seeing the state he was in. it horrified you seeing all his injuries, small ones and most notably his head injury. you rush to his side, gently taking your hand in his. and you didn't know if it was just your imagination, but you swore you felt him tighten his hand around yours.

⋆⁺✧˚ · .₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆₊˚ෆ

it’s now been a little over a week since jaehyun’s accident and surgery. you’ve spent everyday by his side, sometimes staying the night. however his mother was growing worried for you and insisted you’d get some rest as well. you just didn’t want to not be by his side when he woke up. and so the days went on, you sat beside his bed. your hand on his, you stared at his face. you prayed and prayed for him to finally awaken, to open those eyes of his you adore so much.

the media was in a disaster the first couple of days, fans and nonfans too praying for his recovery. it came as a shock to everyone. they also arrested the person responsible, he had been under the influence when he crashed into jaehyun’s car. he was the one who ran the red light as jaehyun had just begun to drive.

you continue watching jaehyun when you notice his eyes move, they weren’t opening but they’d twitch. it was almost as if he was trying to open them. you got up, calling his name. your breath got caught in your system when you see him finally pry them open. he mutters something, but you don’t hear as you try calling for a nurse. when you come back you see him looking at you.

“j-jaehyun, is everything alright,” you ask. he doesn’t respond, he just looks at you as if he was trying to recognize you. “don’t worry, i already called a nurse the-” he interrupts you. the words coming out of his mouth, shocking. destroying you, changing your life.

“w-who a-are yo-you?” he asks, voice coming out a bit dry.

“wh-what do yo-you mean? jaehyun, it’s me, y/n… god, no. jaehyun please,” you begin to cry out. you’re refusing to believe what was unfolding, wishing it was some joke. the nurse comes in, seeing an awoken jaehyun and you crying.

you turn to her whisper so jaehyun wouldn’t hear, “h-he doesn’t remember me, wh-what’s wrong. pl-please.” she looks at you then at jaehyun. “ma’am, please calm down for a moment, i’ll go talk to the doctor first,” she says, but you already knew what was happening.

jaehyun had lost his memory, there was no denying that.

you don’t say a word to jaehyun anymore, instead you call mr. lee to inform him of what had just transpired. he tells you he’ll be there in no time. when he arrives, your still a crying mess. however another discovery was made.

“do-dohwa?” jaehyun asks, calling out for his manager. the two of you were shocked, none of this making sense. he remembered his manager, but not you. no, god this was worse. your heart broke to a million pieces. you could feel your world ending, right here, right now.

the nurse came back in, she informed you two that the doctor wanted to conduct a study on jaehyun to see what was going on. you two watched him being transported away. and your tears flowed more.

“h-he doesn’t re-remember me,” you cry out. his manager sits beside you, trying to reassure you, telling you perhaps this was just a temporary thing. that perhaps jaehyun was going to recover his memory soon, it wasn’t going to be anything serious.

yet all your hopes were crushed when the doctor came inside the room to talk to you both. jaehyun had fallen asleep. “he’s lost his memory, precisely memory of around 3 years,” the doctor informs. “is there a chance he could get it back?” mr. lee asks when you can’t even speak up anymore. “it’s hard to say, in most cases they do but there are also those other half who don’t,” the doctor answered. he asked you two if there were any more questions but you both didn’t ask anything more, too shocked by this new discovery.

when the doctor leaves, mr. lee gets up. he walks over to his backpack, opening it and retrieving a small bag. as he walks back to where you sat he hands you the bag. “wh-what’s this? you ask. “open it and you’ll find out,” he just says, it sounded so mysterious. however you do just that, opening the small bag, taking the object outside and into your hands.

a small velvet box.

your heart stops. could this be, you thought. you look up at mr. lee. “they found it in his hand when paramedics arrived, they told they had a hard time removing it from his hand,” mr. lee explained when you open the box. in the middle was the most gorgeous ring you’d ever seen. you couldn’t see anymore.

“it seems he was planning to propose to you,” mr. lee comments. you stayed silent, clutching the box tightly. a beat or two passes before you ask, “co-could you give us a minute.” mr. lee nods his head, stepping out to give you two some space. you get up from your seat and walk over to jaehyun. he was still fast asleep.

you grab onto his hand, tears continuously spilling out as you try gathering what to say to him. “th-thank you jaehyun. thank you for showing me love. thank you for allowing me to love you, for loving me. thank you for thinking of me even as you were dying. thank you for staying strong. thank you for existing. thank you for everything, my beloved.” you had so much to thank him for. “in the course of the year i spent with you, there was never a day i felt sad or regretful because i was with you, in fact that year was the best year of the entirety of my life.”

you let out a choked sob. “i don’t wanna say goodbye to you, goodbye to us. i wished we could’ve spent more time together, be right next to you. and if you ever get your memory back, just know i’d be waiting for you. but until then, our story will have to end here jaehyun.” you lean in to his kiss his cheek before departing. “i’ll love you for all eternity.”

you look at him for one last time before turning around. you’re about to open the door when you turn around again. “and jaehyun, yes i’ll marry you.”

+ + +

“if the world was ending, i’d wanna be next to you. if the party was over and our time on earth was through, i’d wanna hold you just for a while and die with a smile. if the world was ending, i’d wanna be next to you.” - die with a smile, bruno mars & lady gaga.

+ + +

© jhdyuiee

2024. 09. 15

final a.n: hey! you've reached the end of die with a smile, it was an emotional roller coaster. i cried writing the ending, it was truly heartbreaking. the story ended up being longer than i had anticipated, but nonetheless i felt it was necessary to include the falling in love to get a better understanding of the loving relationship. unfortunately though i’ve decided to make this a oneshot, so i won’t be making a part two as i feel it’d be best to leave it this way (sorry i have to leave it angsty). anyhow, i hope to all my readers you’ve enjoyed it, cried, and felt a whirlwind of emotions. thank you for your continuous support, i’ll be back in 2 weeks with my next release! look forward to what i have next! thank you once more & i love you all, stay safe out there! jiji out 🤍

[hustlerose]

metric fan.... what are your thoughts on art of doubt ? i'm trying to get into metric and that's the one album that's clicking with me big time... it's so good

i have strongly mixed feelings about art of doubt, and broadly about this newer era the band is in

i hated pagans in vegas. that album was a major slump. i thought they were going the way of bloc party or lcd soundsystem or any number of weirdo indie rock bands from the 00's, where they'd keep on truckin but never reach their glorious highs again...

well, it didn't turn out that way. art of doubt is a triumph, a return to form, and proof they can still write a great rock album. emily's voice is in top form. i've always loved how delicate and sincere she sounds on mic, and middle age has only made those qualities stronger. listen to her gliding across that slippery groove in "anticipate," fluttering breathlessly over the chorus of "underline the black," or balancing between warmth and sarcasm on "seven rules." performances like these make a metric album worth it

i think art of doubt contains some of the best metric songs EVER. "now or never now" is genuinely a top 10 indie rock song imo. when it's on, i never want it to end. "dressed to suppress" is a really knockout track, the kind no one else seems to make anymore. and the last 3 songs are gorgeous. they're naked and unpretentious in a way that just melts my heart

and can i just say the production is killer. metric albums are usually super crisp and detailed, but this one blows em all out of the water. every drum hit BANGS. the guitars on this whole album sound phenomenal

all that said, i think the album has problems. emily pushes her voice outside her comfort zone a few times and... sometimes that works, like on those high notes in "no lights on the horizon." sometimes it DOES NOT WORK, like when she tries to scream some lines on the title track. her voice refuses to get loud and she just yelps awkwardly. the production tries to help her out by adding some distortion, but that only makes it worse. moments like this draw attention to how one-dimensional this album is outside of some key moments.

but here's my real beef with art of doubt, as well as formentera 1 and 2. these songs have a terrible case of "bad verse, great chorus" disease. "die happy," "holding out," and "dark saturday" are the worst offenders here. the choruses sound like they're totally disconnected from the verses around them. the transitions are janky and abrupt, and when the chorus ends my only thought is "damn, i have to slog thru 30 more seconds of sludge before i can get back to the song i was enjoying." so many of the deep cuts have this problem, and it makes the whole album feel choppy and stilted

overall, i like the record. i like it a lot. but on repeated listens, i end up skipping more and more songs until i'm left with the handful i truly love. not my fav metric album, but i'll admit it's grown on me since it dropped

if you like art of doubt, do yourself a huge favor and listen to synthetica. the whole album, front to back. it's one of the greatest alt rock albums ever written. when you're done, listen to fantasies. it's their most popular, and it's equally great.

somewhere in there, find some time for this playlist i just made: metric essential deep cuts. emily doesn't get enough credit as a master lyricist and songwriter. together, the haines-shaw songwriting duo are truly special, the kind of thing you're lucky to get once in a generation. i hope this playlist makes a case for that <3

[tjalexandernyc]

All these books feature trans and nonbinary main characters. All these books got jokes. All these books have painfully earnest queer love stories that end happily 🌈😘

Some quick rundowns!

Chef's Kiss (2022) is the story of grumpy pastry chef Simone and her new sunshiney coworker Ray working at a gourmet magazine that's trying to pivot to video. They end up being forced to collaborate on a series while Ray comes out as nonbinary at at work. It's a slow burn with lots of hurt/comfort and craft beer. I have been told reading this has made people very hungry.

Chef's Choice (2023) is a sequel to Chef's Kiss but can stand alone. Luna, Simone's roommate, loses her job and is approached the same day by a French guy named JP who needs to hire a fake girlfriend. For inheritance reasons, they have to learn to cook a specific menu of haute cuisine to appease his culinary empire family. There is only one bed and lots of cheese plates. I THINK this is also the first (only?) T4T romance published by a big 5 house. (If anyone knows of any others, please tell me!)

Second Chances in New Port Stephen (2023) is about Eli, a trans man who returns to his hometown in South Florida for Christmas after many years away and the first time post-transition. He reconnects with his first boyfriend and childhood best friend, Nick, who is now a divorced single dad. This is a dual POV second chance romance about memory and trauma but I promise it's funny. It's also a tribute to elder millennials turning 40 and probably my most personal book so far. I have been informed that Nick's father, Mr. Wu, is the only perfect man and I tend to agree.

Triple Sec (2024) is about Mel, a bartender at a swanky NYC cocktail bar, who has an instant connection with a beautiful patron, but is crushed to find out Bebe is married. Luckily, polyamory exists and Bebe and Kade, her genderqueer wife, have an open marriage. Told in three parts, the story covers the budding romance between Mel and Bebe, the unexpected attraction between Mel and Kade, and finally all three of them getting together, with Mel's citywide cocktail competition happening in the background. It's fluffy, steamy, and has a fun little tie-in for fans of the Chef's books. This might also be the first poly romance published by a big 5? Contemporary, at least.

If you want to support my queer, trans books, please pick up a copy at your local indie bookstore or online, or get one from your library, or tell a friend you think might dig them. I want to keep writing books for queer and trans people for a very long time, and the only way I can do that is with your help!

[messedupfan]

Chapter 9

Summary: Wanda struggles with how she feels about Y/n's rejection. Y/n struggles to with knowing who they should be with. And Daisy finally gets some action.

A/N: Hello!! So, this is possibly my final chapter of the year! Sorry, I don't think I will get any writing done during my trip and I don't return home until after the New Year starts. But I will interact with those who want to and of course, I'm always active on my discord! As always, like, comment, and enjoy!

Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | All Chapters

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“Do you want to go see a movie?” Daisy asks as she scrolls through her phone. The two of you are hanging out in her apartment after you dropped Rachel off with Jean. You are laying on her bed with your eyes closed and she is sitting next to you with her back resting against the wall. 

“If that's what you want to do,” you say with your eyes still closed. 

“Or we could just stay in while you mope,” she sarcastically suggests. 

You scowl as you open your eyes, “I'm not moping. I'm just… tired.” You are much more than tired. You spent your entire week with Rachel trying to forget about what you and Wanda did. It was just a kiss and you put a stop to it but it kept playing in your mind and the guilt was eating at you. If the kiss didn't mean anything then you would feel fine with not telling Daisy about it. But it did mean something. It made you feel things you're almost certain that you've never felt before. 

How can you explain to Daisy that you do want to be with her when something inside of you wants to be with someone else? You can't. So you won't. 

“Are you sure you're not moping? Because you look a little down,” Daisy says as she starts to play with your hair. 

“Yeah, I'm fine,” you assure her. “You know me, I hate trade off days.” Daisy believes that's all it is and leans down to give you a kiss. 

“Maybe I can help take your mind off of it,” she says as she starts to crawl on top of you. As much as you don't want to, you kiss back. You hold her against your body. As she starts to deepen the kiss you start to imagine she is someone else. You don't realize that you're doing that until Daisy's roommate, Jemma, barges into the room and you are brought back to reality. The two of you spring apart as if she came at the both of you with a bucket of ice water. Daisy lays one of her pillows on your lap as she asks her friend why she interrupted them. 

“Because I got the concert tickets! I had to let you know!” She says excitedly. 

Daisy hops out of her bed matching the energy of her friend. “You're lying! No way!” She says as she grabs her friend in a tight hug. The two of them hop around the room with joy and you're trying to figure out what kind of concert could make the two of them so happy. “I thought it was sold out! I can't believe it!”

“Uh, what concert are you going to?” You ask as you sit up. 

Daisy stops celebrating with Jemma for a moment and turns to you, “Oh it's just some indie band. You don't really know them. But I can't wait to introduce them to you!” Jemma gives Daisy an odd look and opens her mouth to say something but is stopped by her friend. 

Jemma takes the hint, “Yeah they are really underground. It was only hard to get tickets because, because,” she looks at Daisy for help. 

“Because they only allow like twenty people at their venue,” she says. It's obvious that they are both lying to you but as it is, she's withholding concert information and you're imagining another woman when you kiss her. She can have her secret concert. 

“Alright, that's cool,” you stand up and make sure you have everything in order to leave. “When is the concert? So I can plan around it,” you ask as you look between the two. 

“Next Saturday,” Jemma answers with a big smile. “I was so lucky to score these tickets!” She boasts. 

“Aw, babe, I'm sorry. I don't think I can go. I get Rachel back that day,” you put your hand on Daisy's back and kiss her cheek. She looks a little disappointed but you can't read if she's being genuine or not. She must've known that you wouldn't be able to go to this concert. “I should probably go home. Maybe we can hang out tomorrow or something,” you offer and Daisy’s frown deepens letting you know that she doesn't want you gone. 

“Wait no,” she isn't able to stop you until you're in the living room. “I'm sorry about the interruption but I don't want you to go. Please, come on, I feel like we were,” she dances two fingers down your chest and stops at the top of your jeans. She bites her lips and smiles up at you. “We were finally getting somewhere, you know?” 

You take a deep breath and nod, “I don't think we should do that here. At my place we have privacy. Plus, I feel like I should at least take you on a fancy date before we cross that line.” 

This makes Daisy giggle, “You are too old fashioned sometimes. You know that you're still in your twenties right?” Her remark reminds you of kissing Wanda and you're hit with a pang of guilt. She turns around to look for any of her other roommates and then turns back to you. “I don't need a date, Y/n. We've been on plenty of those. I'll just, I'll meet you at your place. I have a few surprises that I want to bring. Okay?” She gives you a quick kiss and sends you off. 

You sigh once you're in your truck. You look at your phone to see if there are any missed calls or messages but your notifications are empty. You look through your photo album and smile at the pictures of Wanda laughing and the ones of her playing with the kids. You miss her. It's been a week and neither of you has contacted the other and you miss her. But you can't miss her. You have to go home and get ready to be with Daisy for the night. 

Meanwhile, Wanda is cleaning her house to get ready for the boy's return. Her phone won't stop going off with messages from Natasha. The woman was persistent in asking her out tonight but she wasn't in the mood. 

This entire week, all she could think about was how stupid she was for trying to convince you to sleep with her. She can't stop playing it in her head. She was embarrassed that she initiated the kiss, she was embarrassed that she begged for more, she was embarrassed that she gave you the cold shoulder the morning after. She was embarrassed by it all and she doesn't know how she can come back from this mistake. Wanda doesn't even remember much of what happened. She knows she kissed you and started to unbutton your shirt and that you put a stop to it. But she doesn't remember what you said, only partially what she said. Moreso what she was thinking when she watched you talk. 

Wanda shakes her head now to clear those thoughts that haunt her. The two of you are friends. Nothing more than friends. The more she tells herself that, the less she believes it. But for the sake of her boy's friendship with your daughter and your friendship slash professional relationship with her brother, she will force herself to accept that as the only truth. You are her friend and that's all that you will ever be. 

Her phone buzzes again and this time, instead of ignoring it, Wanda picks up the device and opens the explicit image that Natasha sent her. Wanda shrugs and sends a quick invite and the woman informs her that she will be over as soon as possible. Wanda doesn't need a relationship right now. She just needs release and time to find herself again. 

That's what she is going to do. 

“Wow, um,” Daisy clears her throat and shifts awkwardly next to you. “Is it me?” She asks with a frown. 

You shake your head, “No, no. It has nothing to do with you. I’m just in my head. I need to um,” you look around your room to find a solution. “I just have a difficult time relaxing and sometimes I need something,” you climb out of the bed and grab some shorts from the floor and frantically pull them on. “Stay right here, I will be right back,” you kiss her on the lips then leave her in the bedroom. You slide into the kitchen and pour yourself a shot. Then another. And one more for safety. The last time you drop the glass to the counter you look over at your phone and lick your lips as you consider looking through her social media page. But it’s better not to. You felt guilty enough. 

You walk back to the bedroom with a mission, to follow through and make your girlfriend feel desirable. You close your eyes and push through to make Daisy feel good. In the end, you feel better about having done it. There’s a sense of freedom from having finally had sex after so many years. It even overshadows the guilt you would have felt for having to think of someone else in order to get started. But once you did, you brought yourself back to the reality that you are with a beautiful woman and you really got to show her how much you like her. 

Although, once she is asleep in your bed you don't want to stay and snuggle with her. You begin to wish that you had done this at her place so that you could get some distance. Make an excuse to go home. Can't do that when you are home. When you've checked to see that she was truly asleep, you sneak out of the bed and pull on sweatpants before grabbing your pack of cigarettes and your lighter and going out to the balcony. You stand out there and take the time to look within yourself and really consider what you're doing with the girl in your bed. Are you just going to end up hurting her? Despite what you promised Phil, you're not sure if you can prevent that from happening. 

But maybe you won't have to hurt her. It's not like Wanda is a real option. You confessed your feelings to her and she kicked you out of her room, ignored you the next morning, and hasn't reached out to you since. It was clear she doesn't reciprocate those feelings. She's probably keeping you at a distance until you apologize and assure her that you only see her as a friend. Something that she's going to have to wait on because you don't want to have to lie to her. You will if you have to but you're confident that you can get over the crush if you just focus on what's in front of you. 

Twisting the butt of the cigarette on the old ashtray, you walk back inside the apartment and crawl into the bed. It takes you a few minutes but eventually you're able to fall asleep. 

Wanda is sitting on her deck staring out at the colors of the sunset as she smokes a cigarette from the pack she bought the day that she met you. As her lips meet the butt of the cigarette she remembers the way your lips pressed eagerly against hers. How is it that she can remember your touch so vividly, but she can't remember your words? Were you disgusted with her or yourself? Did you tell her to forget that it ever happened? She wasn't aware that she was so drunk that she could forget details of the night like that. 

Wanda clearly remembers pouring her heart out to you. She remembers making the decision to kiss you. But anything after that is all a blur of emotions. Embarrassment remains the shining star so far. As she rolls the cigarette between her fingers she thinks about how she tried to remove your shirt and she scoffs and closes her eyes, ashamed of her actions. Even if you weren't putting an official title on it, you are still seeing someone and she feels horrible that she has put you in the position to lie to that person. Or maybe you didn't lie to her. Maybe you told her right away and she gave you an ultimatum. Did you choose her over Wanda? Is that why you haven't reached out? 

She taps the ash off of the tip of her cigarette as she sighs deeply. If you don't want anything to do with her, that's fine. But she won't let her boys suffer from her mistakes. Not anymore. It's a good thing that she got Jean's number so she can make sure that her boys can keep in touch with their friend without having to always go through you. If you didn't want to be her friend then she was fine with that. Sure, part of her was going to miss you but she wasn't going to fight for the friendship if you are so willing to give it up so easily.

“I had no idea you smoked,” Natasha says from the back door as she adjusts her clothes. 

Wanda blows a cloud of smoke out of her lips, “I don't.” Her monotone reply keeps Natasha from asking anymore questions. 

“Okay, well, I guess I will see you sometime next week?” Natasha awkwardly steps closer to Wanda. It was hard for her to know where she stood with the single mother. When she pursued her, she thought it was just going to be a casual fling. The kind of relationship that she is used to having. But then she was being ignored and there is something magnetic about Wanda that made her fear losing the chance to be with her again. She hopes the feeling passes because she knows that Wanda isn't looking for anything more than what they have. But then she hopes Wanda will have a change of heart. Except when she leans in to give her a kiss, she is given Wanda’s cheek. It's enough for her to realize that this needed to end.

“Yeah, I'll um, I'll call you,” Wanda says without looking at the blonde woman. 

“Okay,” she does her best to hold the tears back until she is at the front door. Although this is what she signed up for, she knows that this isn't what she deserves. Without letting the divorcee know, she promises herself that this is the last time she comes to this house. 

Over the course of the week, you lose sleep because Daisy is knocking on your door after her shift is over. She brought an overnight bag on Sunday and practically moved in with you for the week. It was nice to have someone in your bed again. Although, opening up the relationship to a more sexual aspect has shifted the dynamic a bit. Neither of you talk to each other anymore because why have a meaningful conversation when you can be pleasuring and exploring each other in a more physical way? Most importantly, it keeps your mind off of Wanda and the pain you feel everyday when you realize that the friendship is probably over. 

It's not until Saturday when you're saying goodbye to Daisy before your daughter gets dropped off that you remember the other reason you pulled away. You didn't want to complicate things for the kids' friendship. Now you aren't sure what to say to Rachel if she asks to hang out with the boys today. You hope she wants to have a playdate with other friends or is even okay with just hanging out with you. 

You check the time when you feel like she should have been dropped off already and call Jean to find out what's taking so long. As you open your phone you notice quite a few missed notifications and check your messages. Your heart sinks when you read and find out that you are going to have to pick her up from Wanda’s house a couple of hours from now. You close your eyes and take a few breaths to prepare yourself to go over there again. 

It's been two weeks now with no contact. Was it going to be weird to pick up your daughter? Will she allow you to explain yourself? Should you stay in your car and honk for her to send Rachel out? You aren't sure what to do or how to act. You shake your head at yourself as you start to feel a little ridiculous. You needed to pull it together. You need to be an adult and try to work through this awkward phase. Is it worth it to lose this friendship over a kiss and confusing feelings? No, it is not. 

You check the time again and get in the shower to wash up. You get dressed in something a little nicer than you normally wear to her house. Then you decide to drive out to the liquor store to get her a peace offering. You find a bottle called “Enchanted Rock,” a vodka that you've only had once before. You can't remember if it was good or not but it sticks out to you because of the song your daughter would play in the car on the way to and from Wanda’s house. 

You pick up a couple of packs of cigarettes now that you're low from how much you've been smoking lately. Looking at the wall of cigarettes, you recognize the brand Wanda bought the day you met her and ask for a pack. Just in case. You stop by a pharmacy to grab a few extra things. A plain gift bag to hide the presents and a few candies to add. Then you find a card that says, “I messed up big time,” and although you don't feel like you did anything wrong, you feel as though that's the best card for this situation. When you open the card it already has the words “I'm sorry,” printed on it. As you sit in your truck you take a moment to think about what you want to say. Do you want to write a novel expressing your feelings? Or do you want to keep it simple? 

To keep things from getting complicated further, you decide to keep it simple. You write, “Let's forget it happened. Please can we go back to being friends?” You look it over a couple of times to make sure your handwriting is legible. When you're satisfied, you look at the time and realize that you're running late. 

You arrive at Wanda’s house a few minutes later and before you’re out of the car, Rachel is running and ready to go. You give her a big hug and help her to the truck. You keep looking back at the closed door to Wanda’s house and wonder if you should take this as a sign to leave it alone. She is going to keep the kids connected through your ex until it's no longer a friendship. Until there is no reason for either of you to talk to each other. Is that what you wanted? 

You look down at the gift bag in your hand and consider tossing it in the truck and driving away. Following her lead. But maybe the peace offering will prevent the long game of avoiding each other. Maybe it will restore everything to normal. “What’s that?” Rachel asks as she points to the red gift bag. 

“Uh it was a gift for miss Wanda,” you say as you look down at the bag again. “She’s kind of mad at me right now so I don’t know if it’s a good time to give it to her.” 

“Well, did you apologize to her?” She asks as she looks past you to the house her friends live in.

“This is my apology,” you admit. 

“Then you have to give it to her, Baba!” Rachel nudges you backwards. “Go!” She insists. You nod and shut the door on her side of the truck, telling her that you’ll be a moment. You nervously check your watch as you walk up to her door. You lightly knock once but she doesn’t answer the door. You look back at Rachel, who is watching from the window and gives you a thumbs up. You feel like a kid again, her mom made the same gesture when you were in high school and was asking some girl to the homecoming dance. But you aren’t that awkward kid anymore that needs their best friend to encourage them every step of the way. 

You knock again, this time with more confidence and more persistence. You feel more sure of yourself as you wait for an answer. But the door doesn’t move. So you ring the doorbell next. It’s one of those smart ones with the camera and you realize she could see you the entire time. You sigh. 

“Wanda, please, can we talk?” You ask with a solemn tone. There is no change so you try harder. “I know that I shouldn’t have told you that I have feelings for you but I couldn’t-”

The door swings open to reveal a wide eyed Wanda. “You said what?” 

You’re thrown off by her confusion. “Is that not why you’re not talking to me? Is it because I kissed you back, was it a test?”

Wanda shakes her head, “Wait, no, you’re the one not talking to me because I kissed you.”

“No, I haven’t reached out because I thought you hated me. You wouldn’t even look at me the next morning,” you admit. The two of you stand there confused and staring at each other trying to piece together each other's misunderstandings. “I brought you something as an apology for the way I acted that night and the weeks that followed,” you hold the gift out to her and Wanda is crushed with guilt as she accepts it. 

“Why are you apologizing? I’m clearly the one in the wrong here,” she says as she admires the plain bag with tissue paper sticking out. You told her once that your mom taught you how to do that when you were very young and you loved arranging gifts because of it. “You really shouldn’t have. But thank you,” she opens her arms to wrap them around you and you step into the hug. “I’m sorry that I was being childish. I don’t know why I started to assume the worst in you.” Wanda says into your shoulder. 

“Can I ask what you thought?” You ask as you step back. “I’d be happy to tell you my thoughts in exchange." Wanda fiddles with the strap of the gift bag as she nervously explains that she thought you were given an ultimatum and didn’t choose her. You shake your head with a frown. “No, um, that uh, she doesn’t know that it happened. But we are officially together now so I figured um now was a better time than any to tell you that although I meant what I said that night, I’m not expecting you to return those feelings. I have someone who I also really like and she has some strong feelings for me… I think.” She asks you what you mean by that and you go on to describe your side of the events and she starts to blush, moreso from embarrassment than from flattery. 

Wanda nods as she bites her bottom lip, “I actually didn’t remember that part of the night. I just remember thinking that you looked very attractive and I wanted to kiss you. Well, clearly I wanted to do more than kiss you but we’ve been over that.” She awkwardly laughs and you join in because it’s what feels right to do in the moment. “So the two of you made it official?”

“I, well, kind of?” You say, unsure of yourself. “We have definitely taken things further but I think we’re close to a conversation.” 

Wanda nods and does her best to hide her disappointment with a smile. “That’s really great. I’m glad things are going well.” She looks at the gift in her hand and then remembers that you have a little girl in your car that is probably anxious to get home. “Alright, well, I won’t keep eating your time with Rachel. I’m glad one of us is mature enough to want to communicate.” she jokes and you smile in acknowledgement. “I will go back to texting you and calling you. I promise and thank you again.” She goes in for one more hug and you accept it. The two of you say your goodbyes and each of you are filled with relief as you separate. Wanda slides against the front door with a grin on her face, feeling giddy from hearing that you have deeper feelings for her. She knew that with Daisy in the picture nothing was going to happen and right now, she isn’t in the best state of mind to take on a relationship. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t revel in the fact that someone likes her. 

Meanwhile you are singing word for word of the song that Rachel loves to play on the ride home from Wanda’s and Rachel sings along with you as she celebrates the idea that her plan might work after all.

Chapter 10

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[physalian]

On self-publishing, and why I did it

Based on the research that I have done, following other indie authors across multiple platforms, I think I've made an approach to this that is a lot less... shall we say, *intense* than people make it out to be? I've seen some YouTube videos acting like picking one route or the other might be the worst mistake of your author career.

I mean, I guess?

Back a few years ago I had a manuscript I was querying around and couldn't find any takers. Couldn't find any publishing houses that were accepting open submissions to pick up my manuscript either. So many of them had clauses in the application verifying that you were submitting to them and only to them and to expect a reply within 8-10 months. Coooool.

I did not have time for that.

—

The manuscript I had was 120k words. Baby’s first novel sitting at 120k words is not attractive to publishing houses. It’s a risk. I was younger and didn’t know much about finding an agent and all that jazz, so I had looked into self-publishing and was staring down an editor bill of about $3k minimum because of my word count. I did not have the money for that.

So that manuscript got shelved, meanwhile I wrote the sequel and got halfway through book 3 before writer’s block took hold.

Enter February 2024. I have an idea for a new book. 31 days later, I have that book’s first draft done—Eternal Night of the Northern Sky, on sale from draft to publication in seven months.

This time, I didn’t consider for one second trying the traditionally published route. ENNS is 111k words, it’s a doorstopper of a book, but the bulk wasn’t the only reason I decided to bootstrap myself to the finish line.

I wanted complete, absolute creative control every step of the way

If I have to market myself anyway, why am I splitting profit with a publishing house?

I *really* don’t have time to wait around hoping the right person sees my manuscript. I have a new job coming that’s going to eat up all my free time and could either delay ENNS a year or more, or get it out while I still had time to do so

I didn’t do this for money

I think that’s what makes so many of those rather intense arguments for one or the other so harrowing—the pressure is a lot higher if you invested all this time, money, and effort expecting returns to break even, if not actually turn a profit. Publishing with a publisher doesn’t guarantee people will buy your book, mind you, but it’s a helping hand nonetheless. If I even want to break even, let's say just on royalties from the ebook, I'd have to sell over a thousand copies.

Breaking down my above points:

I’m a firm believer in “if you want something done right, you do it yourself,” which does bite me in the ass from time to time, this I know. I didn’t want to get caught up in contracts or editors telling me what I could and couldn’t do or what I had to change. If ENNS fails, I will have no one to blame but myself, and I am at peace with this. If ENNS fails, and I’d gone through the trouble of signing my book’s soul away to a publisher, then I’d probably be a little resentful. 100% of ENNS is mine, even the cover. I had an image in my head of what I wanted the cover to look like, and I sat down and I drew it and it matches perfectly. Aside from the feedback implemented from betas and editors, my story is told the way I wanted to tell it. If it fails, I am at peace with this.

On marketing, I am not a person who does well with social media. Maybe it’s autism, idk, but trying to keep up with an Instagram is exhausting. I just don’t get anything from tiny text posts and blurbs and doomscrolling through influencers and advertisements. Social Media is, for me, exhausting. Tumblr is different, because writing is my strong point and this blog exists to share and curate something useful. But either way, I’d have to market this book alone, so why not do so with full creative control? If it fails, I am at peace with this.

I have a new job coming very quickly. My current job allows me about 5 hours of free time during my 8 hour shift on a good day not including the time outside work, and I work from home. ENNS was written in 31 days thanks to this job. The new one? Not so much. Seeing “please allow 8-10 months” and “please ensure this is an exclusive submission” on so many little publishing houses, and I did search far and wide, was incredibly disheartening. For me, personally, it wasn’t worth the gamble of waiting all that time, following the rules, and being told no or just being flat-out ghosted. Nor did I want to sit around querying agents into the void. This time, I didn’t have time to sift through agents. ENNS had to get out on the shelves as quickly as I could get it, and all that time (five goddamn months of editing, 500% of the time it took to write it) was spent perfecting the manuscript that it is, *not* waiting around trying to find an agent. If it fails, I am at peace with this.

And lastly, I don’t care if I make absolutely nothing from this book. I didn’t do it for the money, I did it to say I could. I have a day job, and I’m about to have a much higher paying day job. Maybe I’m lucky enough to have that, but I am under no illusions that putting in the hard work guarantees success. Success as an author is a crapshoot and being an amazing book is not the metric sales are measured in, if no one wants to read it. I’d like to make money, I didn’t do it for charity. It’s going to be priced exactly the same as another fantasy book of its caliber. But if only one person buys it, and finds something good from it, something in it that changes their life, then I will have succeeded, profit be damned. If all else fails, I am at peace with this.

—

This is not a post meant to sway people one way or the other. I know I didn’t do enough research or scour the internet hard enough to find a good agent. All of this is irrelevant when time was the most important factor in my debut novel. I was in a position where I could drop that $3k on an editor, so I did. I’m a capable enough artist to draw my own cover, so I did. I might be abysmal at managing social accounts, but less than a year ago this blog didn’t exist and it has over 5k reblogs and 950 followers and I think that’s pretty swell.

I’m 25 years old. I was not about to let it keep sitting around waiting for the golden opportunity with the perfect publishing house that might not have been coming. I had the means and motive to get it done, and by god, I did it.

If it fails, at least I can say that I failed trying. I am at peace with this.

—

Eternal Night of the Northern Sky is available now on Amazon in ebook and paperback! It is also available through your local bookstore.

Check it out on Goodreads!

[ave09]

wake up

indiana jones x wife!reader

note: the chokehold this man has on me. i watched all of the movies recently for the first time and i’m obsessed. and i’m also going through lots of personal issues and what better way to escape then to write about my new comfort character? and i will most likely write a whole heck of a lot more about my main man indy, also; this is set during temple of doom.

anxiety clawed at you.

this couldn’t be happening. it just couldn’t. 

the thugees had stripped you of everything. they’d taken away your freedom, the boy who was like a son to you, and your husband. 

your indy. 

this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. you, indiana, and short round were to go on this adventure, retrieve the sankara stone, and return to shang hai. 

and yet here you were, about to be sacrificed to a god who went by the name of kali. 

clad in a white gown, you were wheeled off, where your untimely death would await.

imagine your surprise when you spotted your husband, standing tall alongside the thugees. your eyes widened at the sight. 

indiana’s shirt had been removed, his back littered with wounds, no doubt from a lashing. but instead of his normal self, where he always seemed to have something up his sleeve, he seemed calm.

too calm.

what had they done to him?

“indy!” you shouted. at any sign of his wife’s distress, he’d have leapt into action immediately, taking out anyone who got in his way. 

but he did nothing. absolutely nothing. 

“indiana!” you were silenced by a deadly glare sent by mola ram. he was quite the scary man, and you wished to delay your death for as long as possible. the evil

man then gestured to indiana, a grin upon his face.

“come.”

you froze, panic taking over.

no.

no.

no.

you watched in horror as your husband obeyed, moving towards you, almost lifelessly. “indiana..” he didn’t acknowledge you, but he now stood before you, mindlessly chanting as he made sure the chains wrapped around your wrists were secure.

“indiana, wake up. wake up!” you begged, trying to keep the tears from spilling. you felt so helpless, you should be trying to save him, not be tied up. 

“look at me, i am your wife. your wife! i need you to wake up now!” 

and yet there was no emotion, absolutely nothing. 

“indiana! please! indy! henry! junior!” you tried everything, anything to get him to respond but to no avail.

you couldn’t help the tears that slid down your cheeks. “please.. wake up.” the man before you lifted a large hand, placing it upon the side of your face. you felt a calloused thumb caress the tears away, and for a moment you wondered if he was somehow still there. 

“indy?”

his hand became slack, falling to his side. he then moved away and rejoined the thugees. 

panic seized you as you felt the care you were trapped in began to rise. “no! no no, please!” but it was too late.

it had begun.

you were suspended in the air, facing the floor as it opened, revealing a pit of lava. this was it. you were really going to die. you’d had so many close calls in the past, but never had you thought of this being the way you went out. 

“oh God, please forgive me.” you muttered, the heat of the lava burning your skin the lower you sank. “watch over shorty, let him live.” you pleaded, squeezing your eyes shut.

but then suddenly, you stopped. you only assumed that something had happened up top. the only sound you could hear was the loud crackling of the fire below. 

you could only hope that something good was happening up there.

it felt like ages had passed before you started to rise. a wave of relief washed over you. it wasn’t long before you were out, never feeling more relieved in your life. you glanced at indiana, who was waiting, short round beside him. 

“indy? is it really you?” you asked as the man quickly unchained you, not hesitating to pull you into a tight embrace, “it’s me.” he whispered breathlessly, pecking your cheek lightly before placing a kiss to your lips, “don’t ever call me junior again.” he scolded before turning to shorty, “thanks for everything kid.” 

of course it was shorty who had saved indiana. “your welcome dr. jones. i had to save you or the missus would be very upset.” 

“damn right, shorty.” you replied with a grin. “now, as much i love reunions, we gotta get out of here, all of us.” indiana said. you nodded in agreement as your husband placed shorty’s hat upon his head, “let’s go dr. jones and missus!”

and off you all went, determined to escape this temple of doom. 

[trancylovecraft]

What do you think of the new episode of Helluva?

amazing timing! I just got off a discord call about this topic

And jeez.. this is gonna be a rant, prolly not what you were expecting from an ask about the new episode but.. yk.. I'm sorry this wasn't more positive than you probably wanted, But I don't want to lie and I have a lot to get off my chest

If you enjoy Helluva boss then please, You do what you do and enjoy what you want to. And I'm happy it can bring you joy, Don't let me prevent you from loving something you love <3

.

..

...

So first of all, I bloody hate Helluva boss. I know I've written for it and still write for it but OMG I just don't like it at all and the direction its gone.

Like season one is good, I like it. Its amazing season to start off a seemingly good show with a lot of potential.

The villains are threatening and are set up to become major plot points. Verosika, Striker, The cherubs (which admittedly were the weakest out of the trio, But hey, you can't be perfect)

The conflicts are being set, Aka stolas and Blitzo's toxic relationship and it's struggles. It's got potential for a lot of nuance and oppertunities to explore gay relationships in a more abusive light and I can appreciate that a lot.

Characters arcs have been put into motion with Moxxies inferiority, Blitzo's need for validation and the star prophecy going on with stolas and his daughter.

The animation, The music and the voice acting are all on point with such high profile actors. Ahem ahem.. INVADER ZIM AND BEETLEJUICE!!

It was amazing, A major accomplishment for indie animation and the trailblazer that aet off the youtube animation reinessance.

But then season two comes along.

Right off the bat with the circus its suddenly revealed that stolas and blitzo knew each other from childhood.

This is confusing. Stolas and blitzo knowing each other starts to change their relationship from the toxic transactional it was suppose to explore into a more

This episode could've been great, If it was stella and not blitz. This episode could've explored the begginings of their relationship (platonic)

It was stated by octavia that they at one point liked each other then degraded. This episode couldve shown that and given stella some actual development.

Now throughout the season more issues become prevelant..

The villains that were threatening before have become nothing more than cannon fodder. A monster of the week, If you will. Striker and crimson (we're not gonna get into that episode) were easily defeated by blitz and fizzaroli (ILL GET ONTO HIM) making fun of them and removing all their threatening aura.

Verosika is gone, She might return, Idk tho. The cherubs we'e heard nothing from either. And do NOT get me started on the new villains. (The agents, Crimson, Andrealphus)

The women in helluva are EXTREMELY underdeveloped. There are no girls that stand on their own, Just another limb for the male characters to further their own arcs (Millie is just Moxxies concious, Octavia is just Stolas' reason for staying and Loona is just there tobexplore Blitzo's abandonment issues

Millie especially. The only episode she got out of two seasons is unhappy campers. And even then she had to be a boy to get the praise, It feels like the writers were self aware at that poimt.

Her only personality is violence and moxxie, Thats it.

(I have a lot more to say about Helluva boss, Such as the awful story. The woobification of stolas and Blitzo. The humour. The gay overglorification. Fizzaroli and Asmodeus. The rushed pacing and the non-existant set up)

The newest episode I genuinley disliked, One of my least favourite in the season.

I feel like this was the writers grasping at straws. To make a story and an arc, You've got to set it up.

We had no idea that Fizzaroli was connected to Mammon in any way, We had no hints or suggestion that he was. Nor did we have any hints of his underlying arc about wanting to be free.

For instance this can be done through dialogue or the characters body language. We got none of this and instead this was just pulled out of the writers asses.

I dont care for fizzaroli, I hate him apart from his voice actor. To me, He's boring and just a recoloured blitz.

The whole episode was the setup and the solution. This should not of been the case, This was rushed and this episode should of been the solution of the hinted issue in previous episodes like the one where they got kidnapped.

(That was a great chance to talk about being free, Since yk, They were in a cage and it would of prompted a deeper conversation)

It feels like a reheated angel dust and valentino but platonic im ngl. Besides, Fizz and ozzie's relationship is just not good.

Its too sickly sweet. Im not saying it has to all be angst but a spat or an arguement to prompt the episode wouldve been good you know? All healthy relationships have their rocky parts and it wouldve been nice to see here.

Asmodeus and Mammon just dont seem threatening for demon kings? They take insults and jabs that really degrade their intimidation for the audience yk?

The whole episode boils down to "clown twink gets abused by capitalism"

Overall I ranted too long about this animated show. The episode was not good and the future for this series is looking bleak.

This was a really shallow examination of helluva boss. Im writing this in bed so i dont have time to go deeper into the story structure and concepts portrayed in there

I fucking love mammon tho, He's my husband, Please request him.

-Trancy M. Lovecraft

[gagegh0st]

Batfamily Kiddos And My Hc's Even though nobody asked for them

New series asshats! "-- hcs even though nobody asked for them will be a returning series you little shitfucks.

Dick Grayson

He has a really good music taste, loves a good jazz, funk, or jersey club song

Collects certain hand sanitizers because he likes the smell

He hoards magazines about himself so that once he becomes a parent, he can show them to his kids.

Has a soft spot for birds.

Night owl

Always wanted a parakeet but Alfie and Dad said no.

Really likes travelling to hot places

Cant swim, almost drowned the last time he was in a pool

Barbara Gordon

Really allergic to cats (Red eyes, hives, all the works)

She was a total nightcore kid back in middle school

Has multiple sets of joint problems that have been left untreated for actual years

Big fanfiction person

Collects plushies of bats because she likes them

Graphic novel addict

Dyes the tips of her hair different shades of red

Absolutely fucking hates tight jeans

Jason Todd

Been book buddies with Alfred since he was really young

Absolutely terrible at driving

Started greying prematurely, he dyes all of it but the white piece.

He takes melatonin before bed because of him having anxiety

Can't hold a girlfriend for shit, too promiscuous to stay single tho.

He had lots of pet fish growing up

He has a rose garden and is very proud of it

Wants to retire one day to be an old guy with a nice garden and literally a. single. child, that's it. All he needs.

Damian Wayne

Listens to way inappropriate music for his age

Thinks he's grown but he always has homework due

The bitchiest little sibling you will ever meet, he is a huge snitch too.

Always having an identity crisis.

Had really traditionally girly interests growing up (Ex: Fables, Flowers, Balet, and Barbies <3, what a sweet child)

Isn't allowed to have a girlfriend ever according to Bruce.

Laughs at inappropriate times a lot

Chronically wears vests because he thinks that it flatters his figure. (It doesn't, Alfred knows this but wants Dames to feel his best even if it makes him look short.)

Tim Drake

Was obsessed with wolves when he was young

Loves a funky-print suit

Really likes painting with gouache or watercolour

Big-ol Adhd brain

Wears the same coat without washing it for at least six months

Plays really funky indie games

Really likes feeling pretty, paints his nails, curls his hair, or even gets himself some new jewelry

Got his ears pierced when he was young, and has tons more ear piercings and plans to get his nose bridge pierced even though Bruce said he would kill him.

Stephanie Brown

Started coding at an early age

Collects old metal stuff

Special interest is welding and glass blowing

Very fond of bears, especially pandas.

A cheese connoisseur

Designs all the suits for the batfam

HTML is the love of her life

Aro ace and only Bruce knows, he's chill about it tho.

Cassandra Cain

Hearing problems GALORE

Uses some forms of AAC because of hearing problems and speech impediment (Lisp and Stutter)

More brooding than most of the boys

Really likes scrapbooking

Watches kids shows for fun because she had a really fucked up childhood

Absolutely never cries in front of the other siblings

Bruce is her shoulder to cry on because he gives such good advice

Crochets Before bed because it's a good stress reliever.

Duke Thomas

Haircut always stays fresh asf

Dissociates a lot

Always was a math person, didn't like reading growing up because of vision problems

Really loves chickens and has names for all of the chickens they own

Collects action figures of farm animals

A very faithful partner, he doesn't get into relationships with people he doesn't see a future with

Has a very fun textured closet but sticks with the yellow.

Collects cool pens and gives them to Alfred so he can have something cute to write with when he writes down groceries.

OK BYE CHAMOY PICKLES !! ILY, DRINK WATER, SHOWER, GET UP, STRETCH, AND KEEP BEING AWESOME!!!

[cherrylng]

Headline - Bright Eyes+Muse interviews [ROCKIN'ON (March 2000)]

The year 2000 starts here! Is the impatience that can only be tolerated by a dazzling youth the birth of the Year Zero generation? Rockin'On fully supports Bright Eyes and Muse, the two passions that run around while showing off the physique of young boys, and offers tickets to support their visit to Japan!

Interview: Mariko SAKAMOTO Photography: JIM NEWBERRY (Bright Eyes) Interpretation: Erika YAMASHITA (Muse)

The noisy days of Y2K! and the bubble era have returned to normal, and the onslaught of millennium visits to Japan has come to an end, but is it time to breathe a sigh of relief? Has anything started to happen? Year 2000 = Year Zero. It's only a matter of time, but we'd like to introduce two newcomers who make you feel that the year 2000 is just around the corner. Bright Eyes is a band centred on Conor Oberst, a home recording poet from Omaha, Nebraska, USA. Their interactions with the Athens scene are also a hot topic, but technically they can't be called newcomers, having released a compilation even before their debut full-length album was released last year. However, the self-denial and (literally) exploding shouts heard on their latest EP 'Every Day and Every Night' show an awakening of the core of expression in a style that has tended to veer towards experimental pop. Already waiting for their second release, it is a unique singing voice that cradles bottomless sadness in their clear eyes. In contrast, Muse are a three-piece from Devon, UK. They first attracted the attention of an American record company and were signed to Maverick. Although there was a feeling that the band was ahead of its time, their single ‘Muscle Museum’ broke through on the UK indie charts last year. The drama is sharply played by a blue, straightforward guitar sound that has been compared to early Radiohead. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is reminded of Jeff Buckley, with vocalist Matt Bellamy's rich expressiveness underpinning the high level of perfection of their debut. Both have very different sounds, but their straightforward voices are tugging at your heartstrings. The voice that started it all was always so vivid. With that voice, the clock starts ticking again.

"Writing songs was like smashing a windowpane."

(BRIGHT EYES/Conor Oberst) ● You started writing songs when you were about 11 years old, what was it like when you ‘discovered’ guitars and four-track recording equipment? 「Yeah, it was like, “I'm glad I found something to do”. It's like keeping a diary. It's a way of expressing your feelings in a more proper way. …… Compared to when I was a smaller kid. It's like writing a song on a four-track or throwing something at a window and smashing it, they're both the same thing.」

● Were there other kids around your age when you started writing songs who were making songs with four-tracks and guitars? 「Not quite the same age, but I had older friends who were writing songs. They were about five or six years older than me. They all encouraged me to write songs too. I'm still hanging out with them and making music with them.」

● I see. So you prefer sitting alone in a dark basement and recording than going out and playing with friends or skateboarding or anything like that? 「Haha (laughs). No, there are two sides to me, I guess. I like having fun too. I like to have fun, I like to throw parties, but…… But I always end up going home and spending time alone (laughs).」

● Yes, yes (laughs)…… Well, I believe you're 19 (20 this year), you're attending university, aren't you? 「Yeah…… Um, I'm actually going to take a leave of absence from next semester. I'm thinking of doing a lot of touring and stuff.」

● So you're planning to concentrate on your music? 「Yeah, hopefully. I'm going to take this semester off, and if it goes well, then I can continue with music. So I'm putting off my studies for a while (bursts out laughing). No, it's not that I don't like university, but I don't know exactly what I want to do……」

● That's unreliable. I have the impression that you write and record songs almost every day, but when do you feel the strongest urge to write songs? 「Well…… It's a bit of a strange feeling. Sometimes songs come out of a depressed mood. In that case, I just run to the guitar and play it straight away. But if I try to force myself to sit down and say, "Come on, I've got to write", I feel like it's never going to work. So I guess you have to wait for the ‘moment’ to come. And those moments are when I don't feel very good, like when I'm sad. That's why my songs sound like that. But I'm thinking that I need to get out of that. I want to write happier songs. Because …… I don't want to just make the listener sad all the time.」

● I see. And your debut album as an original, "Letting Off the Happiness", seemed a bit scattered. It was more like a collection of songs rather than an album. 「No, it was meant to be a single album. But because of the way we recorded it, the result was kind of…… It's a bit of a jagged, cut-and-paste, patched-together kind of sound. Because the album was recorded partly in my parents' basement, partly at a friend's house, and partly at Ascend in a completely different environment, so it's got that kind of disjointed sound. It ended up being a kind of collage of different sound qualities. In terms of the songs, I think thematically it's like an album, but maybe in terms of the way it sounds, there's a lot of ebb and flow to it.」

● Are you satisfied with the results? I got the impression that you weren't really interested in the cohesion of an album. 「No, not at all. I've just finished a new album, and it's more…… smooth and unified. I'm trying to work in that direction now, but when I was making ‘Letting~’…… I wasn't so concerned about cohesion (laughs). What can I say, I just…… I wanted it to sound intuitive, like I was reacting to something. I didn't want it to be a nice, well-proportioned piece of work.」

● Is that so? So, when I listen to your EP ‘Everyday and Every Night’, I feel that your songwriting is becoming more straightforward. 「Yeah, I think that's right. I always hope I'm growing as a writer (laughs). But you can't tell if you're growing or not, can you? But I feel like I'm more in control of what I'm doing than I used to be. It's not like I'm just waiting for something to happen. I'm starting to understand what I'm doing. I used to be, how should I put it…… I was trying to feel something in the darkness, or rather, I was searching for what to do in the darkness. I think cool sounds and cool songs came out of that. But now…… Everything is much more direct and well intentioned.」

● I love the song ‘Perfect Sonnet’ on that EP. Especially the part where your voice shakes and turns inside out and explodes into a shout - I've never heard such an intense expression of emotion. 「Oh…… I try not to rely too much on that kind of singing…… No, I think that a tiny whisper, for example, can convey just as much emotion as a loud, broken shout can. There are definitely some shouting on this album, but I think emotions are a very broad thing, and I think that up until now I've only been able to capture very, very extreme emotions. I've been able to shake off a lot of extreme emotions, such as despair, burnout, joy, and so on. But there are a lot of emotions in between. You can be perfectly depressed or insanely happy, and there are days when you don't feel either. People's emotions are more subtle, and that's what we're aiming for with the new songs we're writing. Of course, I like the feeling of being able to scream and let all the emotions out. But I want to be able to do more than that. I don't want to be able to express only one emotion. …… I want to be able to convey all sorts of grey emotions, not simply black and white.」

● Yeah, yeah. I think your songs express a strong longing for perfect love, happiness and joy, but at the same time, I feel like there is a fear of losing such joy and happiness. 「Ah…… You know, you're exactly right! That's the problem I have with myself, or…… That's a great description of the problems that come from my depression. I see things. I notice that there's something beautiful, and already at that moment I'm like, that beauty is going away, it's gone, it's turned into something ugly! That's how I feel. When I see something wonderful, the moment I see it, I think about the end. Everything seems like that…… I can't help thinking that, all my favourite friends, they're all lovely, but one day they're going to get old. I know that's the fate of all things, but everything changes…… But that's a great insight to realise that!」

● No…… (chuckles). 「Even though I've never met them (laughs).」

● Certainly (laughs). The words ‘Bright Eyes’ appear several times in your songs. What do these words symbolise? 「Yeah. Well, I can't remember the name…… Um, I used to watch an old film channel at my parents' house. It was a very long time ago, way before the first CD came out. Yeah, I really don't even remember the title of the film, but it was an old film with, like, Humphrey Bogart in it or something. And the main character calls out to a pretty girl, ‘Bright Eyes’. "Don't worry, pretty girl. You'll be on time for the train" or something like that. And I thought that was a nice way of expressing my fondness for the girl. So I wrote a song about it. I think it was the second song on an early compilation…… I wrote a couple of other songs using the words ‘Bright Eyes’ before I decided on the band name. I think that word has everything I love in it, like beauty, youth and…… When you look into someone's eyes, they are full of life…… I think that's the image. I think it's the most wonderful thing in the world. I think that's where it comes from.」

"I think everyone is thinking, I want to leave my mark on something."

(MUSE/Matt Bellamy)

● What impact did your first encounter with music have on your life? 「I started playing piano when I was 8 or 9. I liked Ray Charles and that kind of boogie-woogie piano. I didn't learn at first, I just listened to records and imitated what I heard. Then, when I was 12 or 13, I started playing guitar. I was influenced by British indie bands like Sonic Youth and stuff like that. But until I was 16 or 17, I couldn't make up my mind whether I was going to be serious about being in a band or going to university. So I spent four or five months travelling around Europe with my acoustic guitar and I learnt a lot of different guitar playing techniques. Flamenco, traditional Italian, and Greek guitar. It was totally different from what I had been playing. So when I came back from the trip, I had a lot of new ideas. So I think that was probably my biggest musical encounter.」

● I see. This is reflected in the variety of songs on this album. You say that Nirvana's 'Nevermind' and Radiohead's 'The Bends' are your favourite albums, but you must have been 13 or 14 when you listened to those two albums. 「Yeah, that one. Well, I just wanted to say that those two albums are two classics of the 90s. And we're an extension of the succession of bands like that. They were the successors of bands like the [Sex] Pistols and the Smiths and Echo Bunny [aka Echo & the Bunnymen], and even further back, the Beatles and [Elvis] Presley. In R&R [rock n' roll], everything is inherited and evolves, and we are the new generation in that. We're just ten years younger than Nirvana and Radiohead.」

● You can feel the change in the generation. The album was produced by John Leckie. Did working with him bring new inspiration to Muse's music? 「He helped us a lot with setting up the environment and where to record. It's about creating the right atmosphere for each song. He didn't have any input into the songwriting. I think the biggest thing he's given me is the Radiohead comparisons (laughs).」

● (laughs) It's an unavoidable part of the process. What do you yourself think about that comparison? 「Um…… It's fine, isn't it? Hahaha. Because, as I said before, everything originates from somewhere and can be traced all the way back. In the end, I think it all starts from the moment a musician wants to communicate their feelings and their situation. In that sense, we have something in common with Radiohead and the other bands I mentioned earlier. We want to express what we feel as people born and raised in this era.」

● I see. So, the town you grew up in, Teignmouth, seems to be a beautiful seaside town that attracts people in the summer as a resort. Was it ‘dead’ so to speak? 「No, it's not that bad, but it's just a bit boring. There's not much to do. But I'm sure there are many, many, many other towns like that. I'm sure lots of people live a similar life. But when we moved to that town, we were 13 or 14, and of course we looked around for something interesting to do, but there was nothing, except watching TV. That's when we started playing music, and we formed a band and started rehearsing and so on. We're a bit fed up with the town because every time we go into town we get into fights. There were people who didn't like us. All I remember is violence, and I don't like it. At first glance, it looks like a peaceful town, but whenever I go out at night, I get the stink eye.」

● Is it because you're a young guy who thinks he's an artist playing in a band? 「Hahahaha! That's exactly right.」

● (laughs) Muse's music has an excessive amount of emotion and passion. What is it that drives you to create such intense music? 「I think everyone wants to express what they feel, to be understood or misunderstood by others, and in any case to leave some kind of mark. That we are here, and that we are feeling this way. I think it's part of human evolution. Whether it's art, science, or contributing to the maintenance of the system by raising children. So I think what we are doing is talking about the system and how it affects us, for better or for worse. There is a significant element of the absence of religion. Our generation is one that has grown up without a specific religion, and everyone implicitly accepts the media and television as a way of connecting with others. Part of the album is about whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, and whether technological advances are destroying us or liberating us. It's something I myself don't know the answer to.」

● I see. And you have a beautiful falsetto voice— 「Uhuhuhuhu……….」

● You don't have to be so shy (laughs). Despite this, the words you sing are harsh and sometimes even challenging. 「Yeah, yeah.」

● By releasing the darker, self-destructive side of yourself into your music— 「Eheheheheh.」

● (laughs) Do you feel like you're sort of redeemed by letting go? 「Yeah, I think the first album was definitely like that. You go deep into yourself and look at the dark side and the good side and express that. But if you succeed by expressing yourself openly like that, there's a danger. You think that if you don't do that all the time, you won't be able to go on. And then the next work goes deeper and darker. But I don't want to do that. I think it's important to know other people's emotions, not just your own, and sometimes you need to become someone else's character and express yourself from their point of view. It's dangerous to be too focused on yourself, I think it's important to look outside the cocoon that is you.」

● Yes, that's very perceptive. I'm really looking forward to the gig in March, as the live show is highly acclaimed. So, do you have a message for Japanese listeners? 「What message? Oh, hahaha… Well, the album alone is only half of us. The other half is our live shows. So if you see us live, you'll get the whole picture. I would also like to say that the message itself is all in the music.」

☆ The weeping acolytes Bright Eyes and the rising star Muse, who twist and turn on the opposite emotions. The magazine's acclaimed Hope are all coming to Japan! Bright Eyes is an in-store gig. It's a free event, so please feel free to attend. Muse's Japan show is a ticket-purchase event! We will be inviting 10 groups of 20 people, so please apply using the enclosed postcard (must arrive no later than Wednesday 16 February). This is your chance to experience first-hand their sound, which marks a moment in time that will never come again. Don't miss it!!!

Translator's Note: Was it necessary for me to translate the Bright Eyes interview? Not really. But since the article was covering both bands and I've already scanned and extracted the texts, I thought I might as well just do it anyways. It gives a nice compare and contrast about Conor and Matt.

[sergeantnarwhalwrites]

Writerly Questionare

Woah okay. Thanks for the tag @winglesswriter! I'm gonna have the questions below the cut to try to make the copy and pasting easier.

I tag @chayscribbles @winterandwords @vacantgodling @the-void-writes @aether-wasteland-s @nanashi23 @televisionjester (Only if y'all want. Open tag too!)

About Me

When did you first start writing?

With actual purpose middle school. Like 6th/7th grade.

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

Sorta. What's actually funny is I really ain't a fan of romance but I write that shit on the side XD.

Is there an author (or just a fellow writer!) you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?

I'm not really sure about that emulate part. I could list a shit ton of awesome writers though (the people I taged and many many more) Lol, I'm definitely not compared to anyone though.

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.)

I'm usually writing in my room, on a crowded tv dinner table. But I write in a lot of places, including passenger seat of car. Or in the library if I'm settling on strictly typing stuff. (I usually handwrite)

What's your most effective way to muster up some muse?

Listening to music and being busy as hell.

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

I think so. I have a shit ton of black characters for a reason. I'm black, it's easy.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

The power of friendship, violence, we were forced to together so now we working together, and "good guys" doing bad shit too. Those are usually pretty prevalent in my stories.

My Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character?

Uhhhh that's hard to decide but I guess I'll go Saz. Saz is my stud bear morpher dragged into a battle against the humans. She is stressed, bro is going through it, and she's a wrestler.

Which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?

Most of them honestly. I think I'd be more than willing to hear about Hollis's (Robots & Gardens) exploits.

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

Cosma would get her shit rocked and I'd get mine rocked in return. And I think me and Green's anger problems would clash in really bad ways.

Tell me about the process of coming up with of one, all, or any of your characters.

They appear magically in my brain. And I obsess over them like I obsess over all of my interests. The Fucked at Five oc's were the one's that deviated the most because most of them are based on the movie Open Season.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

Tough exterior but actually really soft and big women go brr.

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc)

As a combination of as real people I imagined, comic book characters, art I made, and cartoon characters (like a banger indie animation).

My Writing

What's your reason for writing?

Teehee it's how I process a lot of things and also I have to fill the world with content I want to see cause no one else is.

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

All of them for real. I love y'all. But any of them loving the characters as much as me honestly.

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who "gets" the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.)

A cool dude who loves to write gay dorks gaying dorkily and fighting..

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Giving my character's a personality I guess.

What have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others?

I've been told I can write really fluid fight scenes or I have decent descriptions.

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.)

Lol I think it's great when it's great and ass when it's ass.

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

Yep. My fanfic writing would probably be slowed even further but I'd still write whatever came to mind in general.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it's a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

Oh I definitely write what I know will amuse me. But I arguably think it's a mixture of both. Sometimes I'll see something or get a response that brings me to write. And it's bangers always.

When did you first start writing?

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write?

Is there an author (or just a fellow writer!) you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.)

What's your most effective way to muster up some muse?

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?

My Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character?

Which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them?

Tell me about the process of coming up with of one, all, or any of your characters.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc

My Writing

What's your reason for writing?

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who "gets" the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.)

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

What have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others?

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.)

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it's a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?

[merelymatt]

To get my upcoming audio drama I Need A Miracle off the page and into the airwaves, I decided against the indie production scramble where everyone donates their time, and against crowdfunding – and instead I basically sent the scripts to @wirelesstheatre and said "What'll it cost to make this happen?", then compared that number to my savings and said "Ok, let's do this".

(It was obviously more businesslike than that, but that was the basic maths of it on my side.)

Here's why I didn't do it those other ways this time:

Why not the indie production scramble?

Scraping it together on a shoestring. Buttonholing friends to perform, using whatever recording equipment I already have to hand, doing as much of the production as possible myself and begging favours for the parts I can't.

In some ways this would have been the easiest option. It doesn't rely on anyone else's approval, or involve putting any new infrastructure together.

But! For me, for I Need A Miracle specifically, this was the option of absolute last resort, for various reasons.

First and foremost, I already have one podcast (@merelyroleplayers) that I run on this basis. I already ask a lot of my friends to perform on that show for nothing, on the promise it'll be fun and I'll buy everyone a pint afterwards. I think you only get one of those, or you should only get one. If you run every project like this, especially if you're calling on the same people each time, it starts getting exploitative.

Second, I'm trying not to exploit myself either, by which I mean, I've put work into writing this series (admittedly on spec), I think it's worthwhile, and I'd like to see if I can make some money in return for that work. And if one person involved in a project is getting paid, everyone should be getting paid.

Why not crowdfund?

There are sub-options within this option: subscriptions and patronage-style funding (like Patreon, Ko-Fi or Gumroad) and up-front project-based funding (like Kickstarter, Indiegogo or Seed & Spark).

I actually have been weighing up the idea of a Patreon or Ko-Fi for a while, not for I Need A Miracle specifically, but for @foggyoutline in general. At the beginning it would effectively be a Merely Roleplayers subscription, because that's currently the only Foggy Outline show. But if enough people pay a bit a month for bonuses like uncut episodes, that could help fund new projects like I Need A Miracle, which could bring in more listeners and more patrons, whose contributions could help fund the next thing, and so on.

But the problem I would have with any kind of crowdfunding model is, right now I'm only pulling a small crowd! I'm an unknown writer, Foggy Outline is an unknown player at least in audio drama. And it seems like to succeed with a crowdfunding campaign, you really need your audience already built and poised to give you money.

If I Need A Miracle takes off and finds its audience, the kudos off that might make crowdfunding an option for the next thing. But I just wasn't confident it would succeed for this show, at least without a load of spend on a consultant and advertising (which then eats into the campaign proceeds).

So go on then, where is the money actually coming from

Me! Supplemented by my Foggy Outline business partners, who are also my Mum and Dad. But the majority of the production costs for I Need A Miracle are coming out of my savings.

This is one of the reasons I prioritised I Need A Miracle over other audio drama projects I'm working on: because it's simple enough that I felt confident I could cover the costs myself if I needed to. There's no dialogue (only monologues), so it's not a complex edit. Most of the episodes take place in one location, with little action beyond the character speaking, so it doesn't call for elaborate sound design. All the episodes are under 20 minutes. For a more complicated production, I would have had to bring in some funding from somewhere, or convinced a producer to take on the production costs themselves. This one was, to some extent, designed (by me) to be more affordable.

It's worth saying that getting started wasn't just a case of getting a quote from Wireless and agreeing to pay it. Producer Sarah Golding read the scripts and wouldn't have taken on the project if she didn't think it was worthwhile. So it's not pure pay-for-play.

So the plan now is:

Sell ads and subscriptions and see how much of the production cost I can get back that way after the fact (I expect not all of it, but that's ok, because...)

Also think of that money I've spent as an investment in both this and future projects – by spending money on an amazing production company that's making the show brilliant, I'm getting something that's hopefully going to make this whole process easier next time. Because next time I can point to Wireless' confidence in my writing, and the quality of I Need A Miracle, (and hopefully its success and acclaim and awards and all its fans), to get someone else to put their hand in their pocket instead, whether that's listeners, producers or sponsors.

[milk-crater]

discerning

Pairing: Adam Cole/Kyle O’Reilly

MB, this ended up being a lot longer than I expected it to be ha ha. But maybe that's not a bad thing. Thanks for the prompt, I love writing about my favourite evil meow meow Adam Cole. *** “ADAAAAAM!” Roddy wasn’t able to hold in his excitement but Adam couldn’t blame the guy: minutes ago Roderick Strong had just won the Intercontinental Championship. Adam had watched Revolution from home, busted ankle elevated on pillows. Adam had been pleased if not surprised when Roddy won, but it had hurt having to watch it on the screen rather than in person. Just one more thing his broken ankle had denied him. Now instead of celebrating with his friends he had to settle for Roddy’s voice rattling out of his phone. “I did it, Adam! I go the belt!”

“I always knew you would, Roddy. You’re the man,” Adam said, forcing a smile because he knew Roddy would hear it in his voice otherwise.

“Yeah, and that’s not all! KYLE showed up!”

“Who?” Adam said flatly.

Roddy was stunned into silence.

“What do you mean ‘who’? Kyle Kyle,” he said.

Of course Adam knew which Kyle. They’d been practically married at one point, back when they were scrambling their way up in the indies. Kyle O’Reilly. His first real partner, his oldest friend.

When Roddy had offered Kyle a spot in the Undisputed Kingdom, Adam wasn’t surprised when O’Reilly turned it down.

Adam laughed. “Of course I know which Kyle, Roddy. I’m just joking with you.”

Kyle O’Reilly. A return to the ring after nearly two years on the shelf. Adam had been there with him post-surgery, after Kyle had learned that things hadn’t gone as well as expected. The doc had explained that Kyle’s return to the ring was a far point in the distance, perhaps a place that Kyle would never reach.

Once the doctor left Adam turned to Kyle.

“Listen, you got this.”

“I know,” Kyle said, looking at the ceiling.

“You’re the strongest person I know,” Adam said, leaning forward, body all 45 degrees angles, a pose he only took when he felt wound up and intent on something. “And I’ll be there for you every step of the way. I can take time off, drive you to appointments, help with physical therapy, do errands, anything you need—”

“No.”

Adam looked at Kyle, who was still staring at the ceiling.

“No?” Adam echoed. “Kyle, the doctor was right about this injury being serious. This isn’t the time for pride, okay? Let me hel—”

“It’s not about pride,” Kyle said. “It’s about…you. You’re just coming off your own injuries. If you take time away from wrestling for my sake, neither of us will be happy.”

Adam puffed up, indignant. “That’s not fair. If it were anyone else, Sure, maybe, but...not you, Kyle. I could never—”

Kyle snorted. “Never resent me? Never claim that I was holding you back? Use me as an excuse for falling short rather than owning up to your own mistakes?”

His words hit Adam like a superkick to the face.  

“I thought we were past all that,” Adam said, a weak defense but the only one he had. Kyle actually turned to look at him, moving only his eyes as his neck was still in a tight brace.

“I guess I’m just the forgive but not forget type,” he said, sounding weary. “Right now you’re all gung-ho about looking after me, about being there for me. But eventually you’ll regret making that choice, and you’ll drop me. And I’ll be worse off because by then I’ll have come to rely on you. Better to just cut that off right now.”

Adam blinked, staring at Kyle. His heart was telling him to beg for another chance, to show Kyle that he did have his back, that he would stick by him. But a crueler part of him whispered no. Why should he debase himself? Why should he get on his hands and knees for Kyle O’Reilly? The man clearly didn’t want his help.

“Fine,” Adam said. “You want to do this on your own, have at it.”

That had been the last time they’d talked.

“Do you ever talk to Kyle O’Reilly?” Max had asked him one night. It was shortly after Adam’s surgery. Max had come to stay as Adam was very much doped up on post-surgery meds and too weak to even leave the bed. Max had asked Adam about Kyle a week in, when Adam was starting to become more lucid. Max had carried him out to the couch so they could cuddle and watch that week’s Dynamite.

“Why do you ask?” Adam said, trying to keep his tone light.

“It’s just...I know this injury has hit you hard up here,” Max lightly brushed his temple, pushing his hair back. “So I thought maybe talking to a friend who’d gone through something similar, that it might help.”

Adam was quiet.

“It was a stupid idea, sorry,” Max muttered.

“No, no,” Adam murmured, burrowing in closer to Max. “It’s just…things are complicated between me and Kyle. I don’t think he’d want to hear from me.”

Max held him closer, kissed the crown of his head. “You never know, brochacho.”

Adam closed his eyes, breathed in Max’s scent. Adam’s apartment was clean thanks to Max. All week Max had been doing the cooking, following the directions from meal boxes that showed up on the doorstep. The guy had even emptied Adam’s bedpans when he couldn’t leave the bed.

But his ankle injury wasn’t that bad. He’d be able to move around in a day or so, even if it was just wheeling around on his knee scooter. What if he needed this level of help for weeks? Would Max still stick by him then?

“Max, would you still love me even if—”

“If you were a worm?” Max jumped in. “Yes. A hundred percent.”

Adam blinked his eyes open. “A worm?”

“Yeah. It’s this meme going around online. ‘Would you still love me even if I was a worm?’ And I’ve thought about it and I totally would. So you don’t have to worry about it, Adam.”

Adam had not been worried about turning into a worm, but he felt reassured nonetheless. That reassurance gave way to a wave of shame. He should have insisted to Kyle that he’d be there for him.     

“I wish I was more like you, Max.”

Max was quiet, but a second later he was shaking slightly, laughing.

“What?” Adam tried to turn around but Max just held him tighter, keeping him from seeing Max’s face.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just...no one’s ever said that to me.”

Adam realized that Max wasn’t laughing.

“I guess this is just something I gotta do on my own.”

Adam nearly threw his remote at the screen. Instead he just paused it, taking the time to let his anger simmer. Kyle was there on his TV, his stupid Snoopy hat on backwards, looking haunted and gutted. His big eyes looked so sad. Seeing Kyle like that made Adam feel like his heart was being pierced with broken glass.

But the guy had done this to himself! He’d turned down Adam’s offer of help and friendship all those years ago! If he’d had to struggle alone, that had been his own damn fault!

“I just don’t get it,” Roddy said on the phone with Adam later that night. “Why wouldn’t he want to join us?”

“Kyle’s always had a stubborn streak, you know that,” Adam said easily, not letting his own frustration show.

“Well, I’m still glad he’s back,” Roddy said brightly. “After everything he went through? It’s a real miracle.”

“Yeah, sure,” Adam said. “But miracle boy can’t just do what he wants.”

Roddy paused. “Adam?”

“I want you and the others to make an example of him,” Adam said. “Show him it was a mistake to go it alone.”

Roddy audibly gulped.

“Adam, you sure about this? This isn’t some random guy. This is Kyle. He might still come around—”

“He won’t,” Adam said. He had that pained grimace on his face that he wore when acknowledging a painful truth. “You know that. So I want you to show him that he made a mistake.”

Silence on the line. Adam could picture Roddy licking his lips, a nervous tick of his.

“Adam, please don’t ask me to do this.”

“Ask you to do what, Roddy? Ask you to choose me over Kyle?” Adam pressed. “Because I made my choice already, remember? I choose you over him.” There was just enough inflection on ‘him’ to make it clear that Adam wasn’t talking about Kyle.  

Roddy inhaled sharply.

“Right. You got it, Adam.” Now his voice sounded hard, resolute.

And so the Undisputed Kingdom had swarmed Kyle post-match. Roddy went from being buddy-buddy to sarcastic and mean. Adam was actually happy watching the show from home for once, content that even if he wasn’t there, his message was being conveyed through Roddy’s slaps and words:

“You made the wrong decision, Kyle! You made! The wrong! Decision!”

When Dynasty came around Adam was actually there in person this time. Tonight would not be Kyle O’Reilly’s crowning moment: it would be his. He’d show the world that his ankle was more or less healed, and the crowds would cheer as he walked down the ramp. The match went as Adam expected, with Roddy dishing lots of physical punishment to Kyle and eventually emerging the victor.

The Kingdom rolled Adam out onto the ramp as Kyle stumbled his way up it. Adam purposefully kept his eyeline upward, not looking towards his old friend. He stood, raising his arms, drinking in the roar of the crowd. He did not look at Kyle.

Don’t act surprised, he thought as he passed him. This is what you wanted.

[lagwrites]

these false vows: an introduction.

summary: silly kids doing silly things :p (actual summary to come)

main characters:

adelaida evangeline romero - the princess

adelaida has had enough with being a princess. an equestrian expert and avid painter, adelaida puts 100% into everything she does(if she sticks to it for more than a week). she loves to talk, but she’s not much of a truth teller, and has been caught in many a lie. can addie stay in the kingdom long enough to gain back her parents’ trust? or will she run away when things get serious?

cillian alexander romero - the prince

cillian is the heir to the throne of krystallia, but he'd much rather be a farmer or merchant. he's fluent in 4 languages, likes public appearances but hates meetings, is terrified of horses, and can't sing to save his life. while he tells his sister adelaida everything, there's one thing only one person knows... and it's not her. will cillian reveal his true self to his family? or stay silent forever?

yuhi ishizaki & orion halloway - the love interests

a knight and a stable boy, but also the secret lovers of some of the most important individuals in krystallia. will yuhi remain loyal to his charge, or return to his country when given the chance? will orion sympathize with cillian's plights, or will he never realize the burden of being a royal?

odella emilie young - the lady and the ???

odella is a stereotypical villan, keeping the prince from his true love. but is she really?

laggy rambles:

finally. omg im spiraling away from this project alr and im SCARED lmao, i have a history of not finishing these things and its freaking me out. but im determined to see this through! anyways, writings going okay. im about a third of the way through chapter two and am struggling BUT ITS OKAY!!!!! everyone is going to have writers block at some point and i just have to power through. rn, we are at 4k words! trying to keep to a 2.5k min for each chapter but im not going to force it if it doesnt feel right. my goal for this book is probably 90-100k words? about 40-50 chapters i think, but we'll see how it goes. im hoping to get this book agented and traditionally published, but as this is my first book and i don't have a ton of experience, i expect i'll probably go indie. in general, im so excited for the road that lies ahead!

[emerystellar]

hii ^_^ i would appreciate if anyone could spare some change cuz i have a lot of expenses right now and i am barely stringing along. more context/sob story under the cut if you want but tl;dr car repairs, ubers to/from work, and food in the meantime

ways to support me:

redbubble ☆ i have quite a few things on there, including logos of my stuff and retro things like bowling alley carpet, i’m working on a pride collection of bowling alley carpets too!! and i have a lot more in the works :]

patreon ☆ four different tiers with varying perks, and near-daily updates on art projects, sneak peeks at redbubble designs, previews on music and even full songs weeks before they release- also recognition on youtube, my discord, etc etc!

donations ☆ these are quick links to all the major money sharing apps (cashapp venmo paypal), if you want to do zelle that requires my email (emery.nova7673@gmail.com)

bandcamp ☆ for as little as a dollar you can pick any of my currently released songs to get the highest quality download, which is equivalent to listening to it 34 times on spotify… so if you really like my music then own it for yourself here! you can also get 50% off literally anything with the code hungrypumpkin (since it’s helping me pay for food lol)

and if you can’t donate, pleaaaase reblog hopefully to reach someone who can- reblogs help wayyy more than likes in this case ^^

thank you all!!! you’re amazing and i hope you have a stellar day

poll for engagement:

okayyy umm hii… i’m a queer trans non-binary neurodivergent indie artist, teacher, and musician (to get all the demographic solidarity out there, i never know how to write these) and as of rn i’m having to pay my dad $1900 to fix my car’s transmission while ALSO paying anywhere from $100-150 a week on ubers to get to and from work since i have a residential tutoring job. while ALSO having to pay rent, bills, etc like normal. it fuckign sucks and i’ve literally been eating almost nothing except free handouts from college … it’s a nightmare and it weighs on me every day 😔

not only are most of the ubers a wild roulette on whether the car’s going to be super uncomfortable and make me nauseous, the driver being overpolitical and talking about super uncomfortable shit out of the blue and making me feel really unsafe, they’re often super fucking late and i can’t risk being late to work and it’s just all around not sustainable yayy!! and i also just learned i have depression from all this! which next to the rest of my melting pot of neurodivergence makes it Really goddamn hard to exist in a positive way!

when i’m not at work or school i am making as much content as i possibly can and pushing it out onto redbubble, patreon, etc. you will get more than your moneys worth in return from artistic content and stuff, that’s all i have to offer right now, because frankly commissions are extremely draining and take me SUPER LONG to finish- i don’t want you to have to fight through my executive dysfunction to get a finished piece that’s not fair to you and i want to make this as worth it as possible on the user end

if you want a specific goal, then right now, $350 for ubers for a month would help a lot but naturally give as much as you can because i need all i can get rn ^^; i’m lowballing it so it feels more achievable really but just ,, please anything helps lol

$0 / $350

thank you i love you all my gratitude is immeasurable and i just.. thank you for supporting me it helps more than you know

[jajanvm-imbi]

Babe wake up the Helluva Boss hiatus is finally over

Okay I have some thoughts. Was it perfect? No. Was it better than the last 3 episodes? Absolutely 100%

And before anyone comes at me, I like the Blitz and Fizz plotline, I really do. Blitz and Fizz might be my fave dynamic in the whole series, so seeing them interact was fun! But the fact that we got the worst episode in the entire series (Happy Campers) followed by 2 more episodes that were almost completely irrelevant to the main 2 plotlines (Oops and Mid-season Special) A N D the hiatus BEFORE literally anything about 2 sets of alluded reoccurring villains is baffling to me.

Anyway, my main issue with the latest episode is the split focus.

This episode featured both the return of alluded reoccurring villains The Cherubs and D.H.O.R.K.S, and Stolas finally freeing Blitz of their transactional relationship. Both developments are really good, the return of the Cherubs and the agents was long overdue, but I'm glad to see them back. HOWEVER, both of these super important developments had to share an episode, which I think is the problem.

Both of these events were waaaaaaaaaaay too important to share the focus of a single 20 minute episode, and because they had to share, it minimizes the impact of both developments.

Or in the HB fandom's case, everyone is gonna focus on the Stolitz shippy stuff and all but completely ignore the other half of the episode.

Both the first return of these alluded villains and the Stolitz stuff should have gotten their own solo episode to really highlight the importance of each event.

What makes this even more frustrating is that, like I said before, we just came back from a hiatus and the three episodes before that were almost completely irrelevant to the 2 main plot lines. The only actually important thing that happened was Stolas getting Blitz the crystal, and that was the B-plot to S2 ep6 and not the main plot??? Almost nothing important happened in the last 3 episodes before the hiatus and then when the 2 most important plot lines finally get the spotlight again they have to share an episode.

"Look My Way" wasn't even in an episode????? It was a separate music video????? Which is completely bizarre?????

I have nothing but respect for the Hellverse creative teams, truly. I admire their persistence and their individuality. I respect how they are so unapologetically themselves, making the content they like and nothing else. I adore the artistic identity of Helluva Boss (not so much Hazbin but that's in my review of the first 4 eps of the series if you're interested in reading my thoughts about that). The art style and the animation style are incredible, looking x100 better than most animated shows done by bigger studios recently. Their success is something to be admired for sure, leading the pack for indie studios everywhere to find their own success. But one thing I cannot wrap my head around are the writing decisions for this show.

If they really have such limited time and resources, why are they wasting time on irrelevant bullshit????? Or at least, why are they so adamant on doing everything all at once??? Why does the D.H.O.R.K.S + the Cherubs plotline need to happen at the same time as the Stolitz plotline as the same time as the Striker + Crimson plotline at the same time as the "Blitz estranged relationships" plotline as the same time as "Stolas' family drama" plotline????? It's the same exact issue with Hazbin Hotel except worse because Helluva has more episodes than Hazbin. Vivziepop and her crew didn't know if they were getting a second season of Hazbin until halfway through production of S1, which can excuse a good portion of writing sins (no pun intended) committed in Hazbin. HELLUVA BOSS HAS 4 PLANNED SEASONS. They have the time to pace these plotlines better. There is literally NO REASON why they had to cram every single plotline into every single season. By dividing the attention between all the different plotlines, none of the plotlines get enough meaningful attention. There are so many episodes between each plotline development and so much time between each episode, that everything gets muddled and nothing is impactful in the slightest. And on top of everything, some of these episode slots are wasted on completely irrelevant nonsense. Happy Campers was such a waste of time, and Barbie Wire's introduction was completely wasted on it. It was promoted as the "Millie episode" but it was actually another Moxxie episode caused by random Millie angst. The Mid-season Special wasn't even about the main cast or Stolas????? Blitz was only there to justify the episode existing because without him the episode would have no real reason to exist???? Most of s2 has been completely irrelevant with no real plot progression.

So much time was wasted on stuff the ultimately doesn't mean anything, or won't mean anything for a long time and as a result, two of the more important plotlines get shoved in an episode together. So the stuff that doesn't matter get full episodes and the stuff that does matter have to share episodes.

Or in the case of "Look My Way", IT DOESN'T EVEN GET AN EPISODE AND IT HAS TO BE A MUSIC VIDEO OUTSIDE OF THE ACTUAL SERIES?????????

Each of these plotlines should have gotten their own season, or at least the similar ones can share.

S1 should have just been about the main cast (IMP) and maybe Stolas. Maybe introducing some of the main villains like the Cherubs and D.H.O.R.K.S (kind of like how they actually did it but without eps 2, 5, 7 and especially 8. So really only like half the season lmfao)

Then S2 could have been about Blitz's past relationships, Moxxie and Millie's relationship and Stolas' family drama.

S3 could have been about Stolitz and Blitz repairing his other relationships

and S4 could have been the epic return of The Cherubs and D.H.O.R.K.S, with some foreshadowing sprinkled throughout the rest of the series

......or something

Idk but the point is that by trying to do everything all at once, none of the attempted plotlines are impactful and the series as a whole suffers for it.

I still find HB entertaining, but damn is it frustrating to watch.

Anyway that's all I had to say