#this was written with getting-closer partnership/friendship in mind but can be read however you want it to be read <3 ) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 4 years

Text

🌹 - ɟ

Hiii babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 You know how it works by now. These are the answers to the asks Mari/Stuck sent me. And happy Valentine’s Day to you all!! 🌹🌹 Enjoy 🙃

A lot of people have been interested in them, dear Anon. From managers, to publicists, to sponsors, partnerships, producers, etc., etc. and no, it was never a problem between them. That’s part of their job.

No, dear Anon. Camila and Ashlee are best friends. Ash ships/ped Camren. She has helped them a lot of times. I know why you thought this. Just as I know it may seem that Ash takes advantage of Camila because she created a lot of videos with her, made two songs about her, and brings her up at every opportunity, but it’s not what it seems. Do you have any idea how hard it is to try to emerge as an artist in that world? Do you have any idea how many artists there are out there that you’ll never hear about because they’ll never make it to the top? Why do you know Ashlee? Thanks to 5H. Without having been their guitarist, you wouldn’t even know she existed. The fans that Juno has, are Harmonizers/Camilizers and some that she managed to make herself afterwards.

Ash is a real friend to our Mila. She has helped her more times than we could ever know, even by leaving the tour to help her friend. And Camila’s the same for her. Did you know that on June 13, 2020, in the face of the Black Lives Matter Movement she helped Ashlee sponsor a free scholarship for 20 black students to participate in the JUNO’s Guitar Bootcamp to help them create more opportunities in that field in their future? [Diana Foster, who I believe is her girlfriend or a great friend of hers anyway, also helped] Why on earth would Camila willingly help someone who ‘presumably’ would be taking advantage of her friendship? May I suggest you go watch one of the last videos they have together in Camila’s backstage? It dates back to 2019. Go watch it, dear Anon, and tell me if you don’t get an automatic smile on your lips.

Forgive me, Anon, with all due respect speaking, but what are you saying? “Camila has made mistakes (she has not been the best girlfriend possible)?” Are you for real? What are you talking about? Camila made her mistakes, but so did Lauren. So why are you only pointing the finger at Camila? Did you pay attention to their story? Did you hear/see what Lauren said on the podcast? Have you ever listened to their songs WELL? Because apparently, you didn’t. A couple is made up of two people and mistakes are made by two, not just by one.

No, dear Anon. Closer was never a song of hers in the first place, let alone one she could sell. The Chainsmokers wanted her in the song. She recorded a rough demo for them and then turned it down. I know that when she turned it down and they passed it on to Halsey, she wrote and contributed to some of the lyrics (she appears as a songwriter in the credits), so I believe she wrote those in the place of the ones Mila wrote in her version, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if Camila had the time to write her part like Ashley (Halsey) did, or if she directly recorded the demo as she did with The Middle. Until it’s leaked, we won’t have an answer.

The fact is that Closer was simply a project that was proposed to her when she was still in 5H and that she turned down because 7/27 was about to come out. Just as she declined to participate in Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood music video for them (5H). And I still wonder how the haters still consider her a bitch 🙄🙄

Ligas, or hair bands, or también se dice colitas, verdad? Or hair ties as I like to call them, were originally Lauren’s. Lauren had two on her wrist at X-Factor and then, magically, one ended up on Camila’s wrist. I personally think that was their first symbol, but of friendship. And no, dear Anon, they didn’t replace the rings. The rings didn’t yet exist at that time. If the rings were one of their symbols of love, the hair ties were symbols of friendship, at least in the beginning.

P.S. dear Anon, I would like that as soon as you finish reading this post, you’d type ‘garters’ on Google and click directly on images 🤣 I really, REALLY, love you for this, believe me 😉❤️

I watched all the interviews held in Spain in 2015 and you can see the differences, dear Anon. The two interviews with Revista Bravo and the one with Vodafone Yu are more or less normal. There’s tension between all of them because the big mess had recently happened. But in Alyson’s one with NSP PROJECTS and the one with LOS40 in which Alyson is in as well… Gosh… Your second question is my answer, dear Anon. Yes, they broke up, but that was even before they went to Europe.

As for your last question, on the one hand, I think she was single, attracted to the interviewer, and that she didn’t have to be accountable to anyone because being single, she could do whatever she wanted. But on the other hand, I think it may have been done on purpose for revenge since they’ve always played these jealousy games. I don’t think she managed to control herself though. It shows in both of those interviews, although it’s much more evident in the one with NSP PROJECTS. I don’t think she really realized the gravity of what she was doing because she was too wrapped up in Alyson and too busy in impressed her than everything else. I don’t think she noticed, at least not during the interviews, how hurt Lauren was.

I don’t want to tell you yes or no if her behavior was correct or not, simply because I don’t know if she did it because as I said she was single and didn’t have to answer to anyone, or if she did it out of revenge because she wanted Laur to be jealous. My instinctive response would be that it wasn’t corrected because of the effect it had on Laur who was also going through the dark diary period, but I don’t really know why Mila did what she did. She may have had her reasons, and maybe knowing them, my answer would be different, or the same. I don’t know because I don’t know the reasons behind this. Lauren has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt Camila, and Camila has done a lot of things in the past that have hurt Lauren. They’ve hurt each other many times. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes not. So I prefer to abstain because, at least in this case, I don’t feel like judging something I don’t know. Much less point the finger.

Hi @ camilalauren0327 😄👋🏼 yeah, writing is therapeutic for them, as it is for many other people, myself included. Dancing was for me as well. Many people find it therapeutic to play sports, others find it in various forms of art, etc., etc.

I don’t know if Camren did couples therapy 🤷🏻‍♀‍ I think if they really did it, they did it after 5H.

Doctors of all kinds, and therefore also psychologists, consultants, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. are bound by the federal law HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act). Many therapists themselves indeed, prefer to establish confidentiality limits even before starting therapy. For example, the fact that they’re required to maintain therapy content is established regardless, but with you, they can determine who they can contact with your written permission, or if they can’t contact anyone. If YOU client prefer it, you can also establish that outside those four walls, you’re not really in therapy and that therefore if you meet your therapist in a supermarket, for example, they’ll pretend not to know you and will not acknowledge you at all in order to protect your client-therapist confidentiality. So, at the end of the day, it really depends on you and what you establish with your therapist.

This, however, is sometimes not enough for celebrities. Those who really, but really care about privacy and don’t want to take risks, require their therapist to also sign an NDA as a backup and reinforcement plan, so that it covers everything, including sections that HIPAA doesn’t administer.

Both, dear @camilalauren0327, and hi again 👋🏼😊 In the Consequences video and on the day of Say You Won’t Let Go she was paying tribute to Lauren and to the old Camila. For Consequences, that was one of the many symbols we find in the video that served as a clue. For Say You Won’t Let Go it was yes a tribute to Lauren and to old Camila, but it was more of a message for her. The song was for her, the bow was for her, and the rose on her pants was for her. It was like: “Hey, I’m still here. I’m still me. See the bow? See the rose? The song? It’s all for you. The title of the song already speaks for itself. Let’s try again”. That was indeed still the period of rapprochement between them. As for the other times she wore it, and I remember that she even wore it around her neck on more than one occasion, it was for style.

Sure thing, dear Anon 🙃 Curious is a song discarded from the album Camila, and I don’t know if you’ll like my interpretation, dear Anon, because this song is not about Lauren (for me).

Verse 1

“I lose myself when you start talkin’

There’s something riveting about you, it’s got me confused”

Camila finds this girl so fascinating, that not only does she gets lost when she talks, but it also makes her confused. Confused because she didn’t think another girl could have this effect on her while her mind was always on Lauren. And yes, girl. It’s not the first time that Camila has had to mask this in her songs.

“If we went back to your apartment

Would you be a gentleman and a bad boy too?”

She’s provocative here. She’s literally provoking and teasing the girl: “Could you be sweet and at the same time rough enough to slamming me against the wall?” If you know what I mean…

Pre-Chorus

“I know you think, I’m innocent

Little do you know where my mind has been?”

When you see Camila in videos and interviews, you’re hit by her energy 80% of the time. She’s this cute and goofy and clumsy and dorky ball of bubbly energy that cracks a smile from you all the time. She’s funny with her lame jokes that however always make you laugh, and most of the time, you see her in this innocent light. And it’s true. She looks like this innocent little bean that must be protected at all costs. But we also know that she’s far from innocent. And here, that’s what she’s telling the girl: “If you knew what I’ve been thinking about you, about us, about what I want to happen, you’d understand that I’m not that innocent after all.”

“I don’t have much experience

Could you relieve me of my ignorance?”

The only sexual experience Camila had had up to that point, had been with Lauren. So unlike this girl, Camila had only had one partner, and she’s telling her just that: “I don’t have much experience as you do. Could you help me out?”

“It’s true (It’s true, it’s true)

Been wondering about you”

Here she’s basically questioning whether the expectation equals the reality.

Chorus

“I’m just cu—, I’m just curious

What you do, just got the two of us

Hit me down, take me up

Can you teach me how to love?

I’m just curious”

She’s telling her that what they do in private between them, will stay between the two of them. And then… Ahem-Ahem! *Throat clearing* I’m really trying to hold back as much as possible here guys… If I hadn’t received complaints in the past about some of the answers I gave in other posts, I wouldn’t have had any kind of problem explaining exactly what she says sentence by sentence, but I’ll just limit myself by saying that she’s asking her to teach her to be more expert on the subject matter.

Post-Chorus

“Dum, dum-dum-dum

You got me feeling

Dum, dum-dum-dum

You got me feeling”

This girl makes her feel in a certain type of way that Camila herself refrains from saying what she really wants to say. Still if you know what I mean…

Verse 2

“I’m kinda nervous but I like it (Yeah)”

Because it’s a good kind of nervous. An exciting kind of nervous.

“Will you live up to the image that I got of you?”

Again. As I said before, she’s basically asking if the expectation equals the reality.

“You’re not usually my type, yeah

I think that that might be the reason that I’m here with you (Oh, oh)”

And this, speaks for itself. Who’s Camila’s type? With whom is she making the comparison? Who does she have in mind to justify her actions? She’s there with this girl because her type is who?

Before I wrap up, I want to explain to you why this song has nothing of Lauren for me. So I’m going to rewrite some pieces of the song to debunk it’s about Lauren.

“If we went back to your apartment”

Lauren didn’t have an apartment yet. She wasn’t living alone yet. 5H had two apartments that they shared together in the months of recording, and for the rest, they lived constantly in hotels. This girl (older than her) had an apartment.

“I know you think, I’m innocent”

Lauren and Camila had already had sex. Hello? Since the Like Friends Do situation. So she’s not talking about Lauren because she already knew Camila wasn’t innocent.

“I don’t have much experience”

Again. Experience she’d precisely had with Laur.

“Been wondering about you”

She had to wonder about Lauren if she had already been with her sexually? What would have been the sense?

“What you do, just got the two of us”

If she was really talking about Lauren, this would’ve been a big bullshit because there were people who knew about them. The ones closest to them for sure. Like DNA. DNA knew about them right from the start and lived their story basically along with them. Not to mention that they heard them on more than one occasion. Hell, even we heard them thanks to that takeover.

“You’re not usually my type”

Definitely not Lauren! Isn’t Lauren Camila’s type? In which universe?

“I think that that might be the reason that I’m here with you”

Exactly! This girl, whether it was physically or of character, wasn’t like Lauren.

Aaand these are the reasons why I’m 100% sure this song is not about Lauren, dear Anon.

Of course I can, dear Anon 😄

Cleopatra is a song discarded from the album Camila, and created during The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving. era. C ended Something’s Gotta Give in mid-March 2017 and we know it was the last song of The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving. era before the album name changed to Camila, so Cleopatra was finished before that.

Verse

“Ridin’ ‘round town in the backseat

Looking like the real deal

Looking real, real, real

Spent so long cuttin’ my teeth

Thought you were the real deal

But it wasn’t real, real, real, uh”

Camila is in the back of a car and, you know how sometimes you find yourself spacing out and thinking about something in those moments? Maybe by looking out the window but not really looking because you’re thinking about that something? It can be something trivial or something important, and in Camila’s case, in this case specifically, she’s overthinking about her relationship with Lauren. They had clearly broken up, and Camila is thinking about how she believed L was the real deal.

With ‘cuttin’ my teeth’ she used a slang to indicate that she learned something early in her life. The slang of cut my/your/her/his/their teeth was born in reference to the exit of the teeth from a baby’s gums and consequently indicates a first experience. So, here she means that she spent too much time learning the ropes believing for real that Lauren was for her, and then realize that she wasn’t.

[Don’t be discouraged and keep in mind that in this case, they were passing thoughts because she was definitely angry, bitter, and sad. We all are after a fight or a breakup with a partner. Besides, we all know that L is the love of her life. Think of songs like Never Be the Same (It’s you, babe), All These Years ('Cause after all these years, I still feel everything when you are near), Taxy (The greatest love story that’s never been told), and many others up to one of the ‘most recent’ ones: Anyone (You are the only one I’ll ever love) 😉]

Pre-Chorus

“Every night it was a different fight

It was a different girl

It was a different lie, ooh-ooh

Every night it was a different fight

It was a different girl

It was a different lie, ooh”

Aaaand back at it again with their communication problems. Even if she has generalized a lot here, she still makes us understand the essence of the problem.

Chorus

“I think I kinda wanna cut my hair like I’m

I’m Cleopatra”

When people move on or try to move on after a breakup, what do they usually do? They look for a change. They want to separate themselves from their past selves, of the ones they were when they were in a relationship with the person they broke up with, and they seek a change, aka self-improvement. Most of the time visual, and therefore physical. This change is seen as a new beginning, a new chapter in their life where they want to feel good again. They want to feel attractive. And this is how self-innovation begins. Some go on a diet, others change their style and wardrobe, and then there’s what many see as a rite of passage: a new haircut.

Camila in this case used Cleopatra’s cut as a metaphor for the change she wanted to make about herself. Cleopatra is one of the most famous known queens in the world. Strong, intelligent, powerful, and that radiates charm in everyone since ever. But Camila isn’t talking about Cleopatra the person. She’s talking about her haircut. Cleopatra’s cut in this case is a symbol of power and freedom for Camila. Remember how I said earlier that Camila finished Something’s Gotta Give in mid-March and that she finished this song before that? Well, although this song talks about 2015, it was made in 2017. And guess what happened in that same period? Camila cut her hair by getting bangs. To be precise, it happened on March 31, 2017 (picture + caption: “joined the bang club now”). Coincidence? Yeah, sure, I don’t think so. Plus, although she used it as a metaphor, Camila has actually always wanted a Cleopatra cut, thing that, if you think about it, she now has for real. [Oh, oh and, rumor has it that Cleopatra was bisexual as was 100% Julius Caesar🤫🤭]

“Wanna dance on cars

And forget it all after

Skip these sad love songs cause I

Need something faster and now baby

Kinda think I’m ready”

The freedom I was saying before? (Cleopatra’s cut in this case is a symbol of power and freedom for Camila) She talks about it here. She used the wanting to dance on cars and the skipping sad love songs as figurative expressions of the freedom she wanted to feel, and that she wanted to feel fast because there was gonna be no crying in the club this time. 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry, dear Anon, I had to 😝 No but, seriously though. She just wanted to shed the past and move on right away because she was ready. And she was also ready for the power part I referred to earlier that she explains here:

Post-Chorus

“Needed to be all eyes on me

Baby all eyes on me, ooh

That’s what I want

Needed to be all eyes on me

Baby all eyes on me, ooh

That’s what I want, yeah”

Now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now. We have a double interpretation here. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: Camila is a fucking genius. And being the fucking genius lyricist that she is, she used a double meaning here to let everyone interpret this part as they please. The double interpretation is so well hidden, that people who listen to this song without knowing the details, such as for example knowing something about Camila’s life or the year the song was made, would never know because they wouldn’t even notice.

The first interpretation ties into what she says about wanting to dance on cars in the chorus. That’s also a way of saying she just wants to dance thoughtlessly and have fun, but on cars? It’s a metaphor to say that she wants to do it by drawing everyone’s attention. I want you to picture something now, okay? Picture a party with a bunch of people dancing and drinking, and in the midst of the fun, someone climbs on the hood of a car or a counter or any other high surface to keep dancing. Can you picture what would happen at that moment? Can you picture how all the people there would turn to look at that person and shout, clap, and cheer them on? Now picture the same scenario with a person still climbing on something high, but to announce something. It’s the same thing. It’s the same purpose. Getting on top, getting on top of something, is to automatically draw attention. So the connection that leads us to the first interpretation is: Wanna dance on cars - Needed to be all eyes on me.

The second interpretation, on the other hand, is basically the same as regards wanting attention on her, but with another direction and another chorus sentence. Camila is a singer. She’s a performer. She LOVES to perform. She LOVES the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the anxiety, the nerves, the pressure, and the feeling of shitting herself before entering a stage. She LOVES the almost blinding stage lights, the screams, the cheers, the applause, and all the love from the fans. She LOVES mastering the stage, interacting with the audience, and delivering a show. She sings her heart out and LOVES it when the audience sings back to her. She has so much passion and she’s so fucking good at what she does. Why am I saying all this? Because with this hidden interpretation, Mila refers to her solo debut. Like I said, this song was made in 2017, remember? So the connection that leads us to the second interpretation is: Now baby, kinda think I’m ready - Needed to be all eyes on me. Ready for her debut.

Both indicate the attention and power (feeling of power) that I mentioned earlier that comes with it.

Bridge

“See, see

You right to be that

You bein’, you needin’

See, see

You right to be that

You bein’, you needin'”

This part is cryptic. Since they broke up here, I think she’s just saying that it’s okay. That it’s okay for Lauren to be the way she is and that it’s okay if they’re letting each other go (Yeah, sure, Jan 🤣). No hard feelings. Or at least, that’s my interpretation.

—

Before concluding this post, I’d like to make amends. My friend, the same one I ‘roasted’ in my last post (📄 - ɟ), hey, hi girl 😝 literally shoved her phone in my face a few days ago to show me an ask sent to @emisonme (hi to you too if you’re reading 👋🏼😄) in which I was mentioned. I’d like to apologize to all of you because I made a mistake, although not intentionally. I didn’t know Simon was no longer one of the directors of Simco Limited. I went to check it out and immediately understood why I didn’t know. Because it happened more or less recently (on September 17, 2020) and I hadn’t done a thorough research on the piece of shit since last summer (July) when Syco integrated into Sony.

I got really mad at myself for doing one of the things I hate: giving out wrong information. Camila and Lauren are ‘free’ from Simon, and I put that in quotes because one of the clauses that are in every Simmenthal Cow contract includes not being able to speak ill of him. I’m not kidding. This is a piece of an article from many years ago that is still on the internet today that talks about X Factor contracts: “The contract, which runs for 80 pages, also reportedly states that the rules are enforceable anywhere ‘in the world and solar system’ and that artists may not be critical of the company, ‘including its personnel and, in particular, Simon Cowell’. The contract makes clear no-one can speak badly of X Factor supremo Simon.”

Supremo… Supremo? Like what, the Supreme from American Horror Story (some fans of the series like me here)? Should I start calling him Cordelia? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I could never. I’m sorry Sarah (Paulson) for even giving it the slightest thought, love. I’m deeply ashamed. Sooo, like what? A supremo Super Saiyan (Dragon Ball)? If he clenches his hands into fists and screams, does his hair turn blonde? No, huh? So like what exactly? The supremo asshole? You know what? It doesn’t matter. He’s ridiculous enough per se.

Anyway. Camren are free I hope completely from Simon, but we don’t know yet if the contract ended along with Simon’s exit or if it’s still standing. We’ll see as soon as one of them releases a new song.

Please accept my sincere apologies, guys 🙏🏼 And thank you @emisonme for giving me a great news, albeit indirectly. You’re a real one 😊

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I’m done 🙈 I hope I was helpful in this case too. As usual, I’m always available for those who have questions, so feel free to ask 🙃 And as always, I thank Mari for giving me space in her blog and for making this exchange possible, and thanks to you Anons for your asks 🥰

Be kind, to others and to yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

P.S. who wants to be my virtual Valentine? 🌹 🌹 🌹

____

I have to say sorry to F again because this submission should be posted last night and I couldn’t. Thanks for the long ass post F.

Another advice, I closed the inbox for anons as you know and I will open it again in a few days when I don’t be too busy. Save your asks for F anyway, anons!

#submission #f anon #long ass post #valentine answers #sorry for the late post #anon #ask #f answers

72 notes · View notes

spyder-m · 5 years

Text

Cloti Confessions II: “Express”

A/N: Late submission for @finalheaven’s Cloti Confessions 2020 Event. I wasn’t able to get anything done in time for Part 1 on Valentine’s, so I’ve combined both parts into one story.

Summary: While making some Valentine’s Day deliveries for Tifa, Cloud couldn't help but notice she'd made chocolate for seemingly all their male friends except him. Unsure of what he’d done to upset her, Cloud decides to break from tradition and give her a White Day gift anyway. Little does he realise, Tifa had her reasons for leaving him out.

Ao3 / FF.net / Twitter

“My teacher says that Valentine’s Day is coming up.”

It was during a lull in the dinner rush that Marlene spoke up, knowing not to bother Tifa when she was busy with customers. Papa had always taught her it was bad manners to interrupt people.

She had glanced up from her homework, watching expectantly as Tifa moved around the bar; wiping down tables and clearing used glasses; hoping to catch her attention.

"That's right," Tifa answered with a smile.

It was a day she had been anticipating, normally a busy time of year for Seventh Heaven. With the recent passing of the Stigma, she expected business would be booming once again. Couples would flock to different venues across the city, hoping to enjoy a romantic evening together, while those spending the night alone sought somewhere to drown their sorrows.

Though Tifa may dread the stress of the spike in customers, the revenue they brought with them always made it worthwhile.

“Well," Marlene continued. "My teacher says that on Valentine's Day girls are supposed to give chocolate to boys...”

Tifa stilled in her practised motion of wiping down the countertop, a frown sullying her expression.

It was a conversation she had suspected might come up soon. Marlene and Denzel were both approaching their pre-teen years, the point where those feelings and hormones began bubbling up. It wouldn't be long before she would need to think about organising them their own, separate rooms.

Still, despite the thought she'd given the topic, it was still something Tifa found difficult to approach as a parental figure. Having lost her mother at a young age, she didn't have much experience to draw upon. Given the rather muddled state of her relationship with Cloud; the difficulty they each faced with expressing their own feelings; Tifa wasn't sure she was in the best position to offer advice.

Though, with Barrett away, Tifa felt the responsibility fell to her. Her father might not be in the clearest state of mind, anyway; learning his little girl was developing an interest in boys.

Tifa set the washcloth down, collecting in her mind, what she hoped was a tactful string of words. Yet, before she could finish piecing together her answer, Marlene spoke up again.

"I want to make chocolates for Papa... Denzel too. Tifa, can you help me?"

Blinking, an exhale of relief broke from Tifa's lips as the realisation settled in.

In her line of work, the focus was typically placed on the romantic aspect of Valentine's, forgetting there was another element to it entirely.

The gifts shared on the holiday could hold different meanings.

Chocolates were also given by women to the men they held platonic, familial relationships with. Marlene's school must have been introducing the concept to their students, suggesting they make chocolate for the boys in their class and who they were friends with.

Satisfied, Tifa nodded to Marlene with a smile.

"Of course, sweetie."

“So, Tifa. Are you going to make chocolates for Cloud?”

Tifa's hand slipped, almost spilling the batter she had been carefully pouring into the mould. Having worked in diligent silence; following the steps outlined in the recipe she'd written out; it startled Tifa when Marlene spoke up suddenly.

Her gaze shifted, catching Marlene's eyes weighing on her in genuine curiosity.

She hadn't made any plans for Valentine's Day herself, not having taken part in the tradition since she was a child; concerned more so with the impending customer rush. Though with the remnants and Geostigma vanquished, she supposed the celebration could be an opportunity to welcome Cloud back home, to thank Barrett for his years of support.

Perhaps she could even send some chocolates out to Cid, Reeve and… Well, she wasn’t sure if Vincent liked sweets, but perhaps he would appreciate the gesture, regardless.

“Yes, I suppose I should. And your papa too.” Tifa tacked on.

“No, not those kinds of chocolate!" Marlene protested, arms folding in exasperation. "The chocolate you give to boys that you like.”

"W- What are you talking about Marlene?" Tifa ducked her head, focus drawn intently back towards the mixture before them.

The lilt of confusion in her voice was noticeably strained, too much so to seem genuine. Marlene smiled, suspecting that she had been on the mark.

The young girl was quite intuitive beyond her years.

Thinking on it, Tifa wouldn't have been surprised if this had all been a ploy of hers to bring them closer together.

It was an idea so inherently Marlene, innocent and idealistic. The thought that her guardians could be brought together through a lone, affectionate gesture. That the years of tension between them would magically dissipate and their lingering, dormant feelings would spring back to the surface once more.

As taken as Tifa was by the romance of the idea; as much as she wished things could be that simple; she was too grounded in reality. That naive sense of hope had been stripped away over the course of her short life, the trials she had survived through.

Their relationship was complicated. No chocolates or cards could encapsulate all that they had been through together, every feeling that she wanted to express to him. They had strayed too far from the children in Nibleheim who might have taken part in such a tradition.

Besides, with Cloud having only recently returned home, their family unit had begun to regain a semblance of normality, its old shape. She didn’t want to risk damaging that by pressuring Cloud too much, too soon.

Shaking her head, Tifa remained firm in her decision. She would make the offering as a token of their friendship, their business partnership, as family, but nothing more.

Though, while the chocolates set; on the surface, practically indistinguishable from one another; Tifa recognised they were not the same. That, somehow, Cloud's chocolates seemed out of place from what she'd made for Barrett or Cid.

Consciously, she may have followed the recipe precisely each time, there were still feelings contained in Cloud's batch much stronger, born of an inherent care and affection she held for him.

To present them out of obligation, or even friendship would be dishonest. Her heart had already acted independently of her mind, a warmth flowing into the batter that she could not contain. While it was a feeling Tifa may have been able to place or convey effectively through words, she sensed it was something much deeper.

- February 14th -

Mornings had become a ritual she enjoyed sharing with him.

Early starts were something they held in common. Her, needing time to prepare the bar for the evening peak and him aiming to have his deliveries finished early, allowing for fewer late-nights home and more time to his family.

With the kids not needing, or wanting, to be coaxed out of bed for at least another hour, Tifa appreciated the company.

The bleak, grey skies that stretched across Edge before drawn had once struck her as oppressive and lonely; a reminder of the fear and affliction that crippled so many throughout the city, that had torn him away from her. With time, she found herself focusing more on the light, the flecks of pink and blue, bursting through.

Though they wouldn't always exchange much in the way of contact, or even words, she could feel herself steadily drawing more of Cloud back out. The subtle, occasional tilt of his lips, the shadow of a smile, an even rarer, gentle touch of his hand at her shoulder, lingering as he made his goodbyes.

Mostly, however, she was content to remain in silence.

There was something calming about being in his presence as they basked in the light of dawn breaking through the kitchen. It seemed routine, domestic.

It reminded her of how much she'd missed him.

Though, on this morning, she sat before him a bundle of nerves, dreading she might give herself away.

It hung in her every action. From her concentrated efforts to not make conversation, to how her eyes would deliberately draw away from his own; fixated upon her breakfast.

It was doubtful that Cloud hadn’t sensed something off with her. While at times, he may have seemed insensitive to others' emotions, he'd always been adept at reading her.

With that in mind, it seemed best to cast her embarrassment aside.

Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, Tifa willed herself to speak up, to break the silence she normally savoured and offer up the package kept secure behind her back.

Instead, they remained caught at opposite ends of the table, a seemingly endless void between them. The fingers on Tifa's free hand pushed absently at the scraps of untouched food lining her plate, wanting to reach out to him, caught internally between acting on her feelings and being crippled by insecurity.

She flinched as Cloud's chair dragged along the kitchen floor, and he rose to his feet. Her eyes still did not lift, but Tifa could follow the pattern of his feet across the tiled floor as he moved through the kitchen.

"I'm off." He announced eventually, setting his coffee mug in the sink.

“Wait, Cloud!" Tifa called abruptly, moving to stand herself. "Before you leave, if you don't mind- I actually have some packages for you.”

"For me?"

"Well," Tifa reiterated, voice subdued once more. "Some things I need you to deliver."

Of all the things Tifa could be keeping secret from him, a small, innocuous bundle of parcels; seemingly all addressed to their friends; had not been what Cloud had expected.

It was odd that she would be bashful over such a simple request. He'd transported packages for her many times before. With all the help she'd given his business in the past; taking calls, relaying messages onto him; it was only fair.

Perhaps she felt guilty asking at such short notice? Cloud wasn't entirely sure.

Still, he was curious as to what Tifa was needed to be delivered. Usually, when she asked a favour of him, it wasn't to send packages out, but rather make a pickup. Most often, of ingredients for 7th Heaven. Hops, spices and exotic fruits or vegetables were value commodities for Tifa, who liked to keep her menu fresh with unique recipes or brews.

It wasn't until Cloud arrived at Corel and handed Barrett over his package; a heart-shaped note attached in Marlene's neat handwriting; that it struck him.

Of course, he recalled. It was Valentine's Day.

Curious and eager to see what his daughter had sent, Barrett immediately tore into the paper, revealing a box of hand-made chocolates.

It brought a smile to Cloud's face watching the burly ex-Avalanche member’s eyes water, as he gushed over the lovingly made treats; promising to call his baby girl as soon as Cloud left.

After all that their small found family had endured, the scene was touching.

Though, Cloud felt his lips crease into a frown as he lingered, staring at the note. The note, he noticed, that was signed from both Marlene and Tifa.

Cloud knew there was no reason for him to feel jealous.

After he had left Tifa without a word all those weeks ago, she had every right to be upset with him. She certainly didn't owe him anything, much less a display of affection as open as Valentine's Chocolates.

Still, he couldn't suppress the resentment that bubbled up in his chest with each carefully planned gift he handed over to another of their friends; seeing the flash of genuine surprise and joy it brought them.

He grew ever conscious that Tifa had apparently made chocolates for all of her male friends but him.

Before mounting Fenrir once again, Cloud would rummage thoroughly through each of the bike's compartments, hoping to find a lone, errant package that he'd somehow missed; hidden in the far-reaching corners.

But, each time, his hand would retreat, empty.

The feeling it brought Cloud wasn't unlike what he'd experienced as a shy, young boy in Nibleheim, watching from afar as Tifa Lockhart played with her friends.

As the day carried on, he became all the more taken by the urge to leave the gifts out in the warm, midday sun. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to so callously ruin Tifa and Marlene's hard work, knowing how much it would hurt them.

When he later stopped by Rocket Town, Cid had been insistent that he come in and enjoy the treats with him over tea. Cloud had refused, claiming he was behind on schedule, but already imagining the bitter taste the chocolates would leave on his tongue.

"Fair enough," Cid chuckled, his grin sly. "I suppose you get to eat stuff like this all the time."

Cloud couldn't help but suspect that the bite to Cid's seemingly innocuous words was intentional, as if he sensed something was amiss.

Either way, Cloud left Rocket Town in a fouler mood than he had entered it.

He knew he was being irritational. He didn't suspect for a moment that any of the chocolates were meant as romantic gestures; particularly as many of them came co-signed by Marlene. But, even if any were, why should it bother him?

Tifa was her own person, and a lot had passed them by over the years. For all he knew, the feelings he suspected she once held for him, could have been among them.

Still, to not even receive chocolates from her, as a sign of their friendship, stung.

Cloud had felt, slowly, more comfortable in opening up to her again, that things were steadily progressing back to how they’d once been. Though, in actuality, it seemed his actions had hurt Tifa far more than he’d initially realised.

Being on the road with nothing but his thoughts and the throttle of Fenrir's engine; tires dragging against the winding bitumen; gave Cloud time to ponder.

It seemed that now, for all the effort and frustration Tifa had exuded trying to bring him happiness; to create a loving, stable home for their family; the onus to mend things fell on him. Cloud, for once, would need to take the initiative.

Perhaps he should break from tradition. Give her something on White Day, despite not having been prompted, and apologise. Properly.

Maybe that could set their relationship back on track.

But for now, he resolved, as he turned Fenrir into the alley behind Seventh Heaven, he would simply offer her a simple reassurance. It wouldn’t be words or even presents, but his actions, that proved things would be different from now on.

"I'm back," Cloud announced, as he stepped through the garage back into the bar. His greeting carried through the empty room, unanswered and Cloud sighed, hand fisting into matted, windswept hair.

Despite spacing his deliveries out over several days and encouraging customers to get their Valentine’s orders prepared early, the day had still been long and draining for Cloud. The mental and emotional taxing he had put himself through, certainly hadn't made things easier.

It pained Cloud to realise that, even with his best efforts, he hadn’t been able to arrive home until well after closing time. That the solace he found in the day’s end; seeing the kids and Tifa, being in their company; had slipped through their fingers. At a time when his spirit needed lifting the most.

Despite the darkness that blanketed most of the room, Cloud was surprised to find light breaking from the kitchen. Ears perking up, he was drawn to the low rumble of pint glasses and crockery as they were submerged beneath dishwater.

Tifa was still up.

Cloud frowned. Even after having finished a likely, long, gruelling shift herself, Tifa couldn't take it easy. At least, once his deliveries were finished, his work was done and he could relax.

Yet, after her last customer had left, remnants of their patronage remained littered throughout the bar. Dishes that stacked up, tables in need of wiping and stocks that needed to be resupplied.

She could use a hand, Cloud thought.

Despite the ache and exhaustion that was beginning to seep into his bones, he moved towards the kitchen.

"Tifa?" He called, dipping his head through the gap in the open door.

"Oh, Cloud!" Her head turned from the small pile of dishes before her. Despite the apparent fatigue clinging to her, her visage remained bright and cheerful as always. It radiated through him in a warm, cleansing energy.

Cloud's eyes bulged, struck again in amazement by how Tifa could remain such an uplifting force, even when weighed down. It was a quality he had grown eternally indebted to, a constant guidance and support in his life.

"Welcome home!"

"What are you still doing up?" He accused, voice stern.

To anyone who knew them, Cloud lecturing Tifa might have come as amusing; as if they were swapping out the roles they took in one another's lives. For Cloud, it made sense. For as often as Tifa expressed concern for him, she deserved the same courtesy.

"Cleaning up," Tifa answered. "We were hit pretty hard tonight, as expected, but just have to wash the dishes and I’ll be done."

"You must be tired." Cloud continued, moving behind her. "You should sit down. Let me take care of this."

"What? No, I couldn’t ask you to do that. You’ve been making deliveries all day-"

"You’ve been standing all day. Come on," Cloud insisted, resting a hand against her shoulder; any inhibition he held, tempered by the need to comfort her. "Let me help you."

Tifa lips pursed as she considered the offer, that moment of hesitance stretching into an uncomfortable silence between them. Cloud swallowed, wondering if he had pressed too far.

He had taken encouragement when Tifa had, not only not pushed him away, but leaned unconsciously closer in his grasp. The tightness coiling in her muscles eased. It was contact that he relished, felt almost starved of.

After stewing in self-resentment, conscious of how much he’d taken her for granted, Cloud was overcome by the urge to hold her, to set things right. That she seemed to reciprocate, brought a flow of relief through Cloud.

It was enough to pull him further forward, hands seeking her own amidst the grime-stained dishwater. To his surprise, Tifa relented, the sponge loosening from her grip.

For as proud and committed as Tifa was to her work, allowing him to take over spoke to how tired she must have been. Cloud could already feel the groves pruning her soapy fingers as they brushed against his own. It pleased him, knowing he could help relieve some of that burden, simply by scrubbing away at a grease-laden plate.

Though he had hoped Tifa would leave for her bedroom, he noticed her idling beside him.

"Thank you, Cloud," She murmured, the words slipping through the haze of sleep gradually pulling her under.

Unfiltered by the guard of self-consciousness Tifa would, at times, lock herself behind, her voice held a raw, almost vulnerable, honesty. They were words spilt directly from the heart; without a thought, a moment to hesitate, or hold back any modicum of the love imbued into them.

They shook through Cloud, carrying up the curvature of his back in soothing tingles.

"I- It's nothing." He answered, ducking his head. His concentration remained steady on the dishes beneath him, knowing if he turned the effect of her words would show in his expression. "Don't worry about it."

He was surprised and flushed by how genuinely touched Tifa had been at his offer; taking on a job she did every night, without thanks. It was the least she deserved and couldn't begin to even approach the lengths she had gone to for him.

Cloud couldn't help but wonder if such a simple action should really feel so fulfilling. If the happiness it gave her was something, he had any right to share in.

Guilt that he was still learning to let go of.

Gritting his teeth, Cloud scrubbed harshly at the pint glass in his hands. The grime broke away easily; an outlet for the tension and frustration those thoughts left him with.

He sighed, setting it aside on the dish rack. Drawn suddenly, to the steady pattern of breathing, he caught Tifa’s sleeping form in his periphery.

"Tifa?" Cloud turned.

With him offering to finish up cleaning, he thought she would have left, retreating to her room for the night.

Yet, she had opted to stay. Instead, finding sleep at the kitchen table, head cushioned by her arms. Perhaps wanting to bask in his presence a little longer; to reassure herself that he was around.

Her position looked uncomfortable, but that did little to sully the contentment easing her expression. Her hair billowed around her, stray wisps of black dragging listlessly with each breath. Cloud swallowed, his hand pulling unconsciously towards her.

He couldn't quite place what made it such a captivating by the sight for him.

It was not unlike what he’d seen underneath the Highwind, as he'd watched her sleeping form bathed in the morning's light. A memory of how, in her embrace, the dread for what awaited them had slipped away so easily.

But perhaps, more poignantly, it was a reminder of his place in their family. The love and sense of belonging they gave him. It was that feeling he had yearned for, that drove him to keep moving.

Still, he didn't want Tifa to lose out on deep, uninterrupted sleep. For all the time she had waited up for him before, Cloud wanted to ensure she was well-rested.

Moving from the sink, he carefully eased her chair back; not wanting it to scrape along the tiled floor. His arms surrounded her, lulled by the warm shape of her body. The weight was not a strain upon him. It was familiar, comforting.

Tifa leant into him without restraint, unconsciously seeking more of the comfort of his grasp. A heaviness bled into Cloud's eyes. His vision blurred as if drawn by the temptation to join her.

Shaking his head, Cloud dragged his gaze towards the ceiling; hoping the garish, neon lights would keep him awake. He flinched beneath the unrelenting glare.

He couldn't fall asleep. Not yet.

Not while he was standing in the middle of the bar, holding onto Tifa. He needed to get her into bed and then finish off the last of the dishes.

Cloud took slow, measured steps as he carefully navigated his way upstairs; knowing the footfalls of his heavy boots would carry. He didn't want to disturb Marlene and Denzel while they were sleeping.

Shifting Tifa's weight in his arms, he managed to blindly grasp the handle of her bedroom door, easing it open with his foot. Cloud could feel his strength waning as he struggled to keep her steady; all the while yanking the sheets from their tightly bound incarceration beneath the mattress.

With an exhale, she was coaxed begrudgingly out his arms.

He slipped Tifa gingerly underneath the covers, opting to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness by removing only her shoes. His hand lingered in caressing her cheek as he set her down; stroking away the fringe that guarded her serene expression.

Catching himself, Cloud was swift to make his leave. Determined to reach his own bed before temptation overtook him and he collapsed in her arms.

Turning, Cloud's eyes lingered on a box sitting at Tifa's nightstand, catching a flash of his own name. His heart jolted, a hopeful flutter rising through his chest. Stumbling, with a soft curse, Cloud's hand rubbed lazily against his eye; suspecting his tired brain may have been playing tricks.

Curiosity piqued, and vision clear, he turned back towards the nightstand, gaze immediately drawn to the package that lay there. As if still plagued by doubt, Cloud's hand sought the box, finding it unmistakeably solid in his grasp; real.

She had made him chocolates after all.

Holding them, in almost silent reverence, Cloud was touched. Though, unsure as to why she had kept them from him.

His hand traced over the box, wondering if it would be alright for him to take. While the gift had been intended for him, Tifa had never actually handed it over, and would certainly notice if it went missing.

Yet, it would be difficult to hide that he had seen it after he'd taken her up to her room. It was sitting in plain sight on her nightstand.

That could make things tense between them.

Flinching, Cloud gingerly placed the box back where he'd found it. Naively entertaining the odds that she might not suspect anything.

There must have been a reason for her to have kept them. There couldn't have been anything wrong with the chocolates otherwise Tifa wouldn't have wrapped them.

Besides, considering Tifa's cooking and what he had seen of the other gifts that he'd handed out over the day, he couldn't imagine it would be anything less than the highest quality.

Perhaps she had had a change of heart? Hesitating, for one reason or another, at the last moment.

He suspected that if the chocolates had been made out of obligation, Tifa surely wouldn’t have had any reason to feel shy about sharing them.

It seemed clear to Cloud that Tifa's affection for him was still there. A fact that he had, not that long ago, held in doubt. If the chocolates she'd made were merely out of obligation, she wouldn't have felt any embarrassment in sharing them.

All of a sudden it seemed so very apparent, permeating through the way she acted around him. The gratitude she expressed to him over the seemingly most menial things, her willingness and desire to stay beside him even in her worst state.

He wondered what then, was making her hesitate. Was she unsure about his feelings? Had it been his own indecisiveness that had paralysed her, had kept them from both reaching happiness?

Shutting the door behind him quietly, Cloud resolved to erase that doubt once and for all.

Tifa would no longer be uncertain about his feelings.

For Cloud, the month that followed was strenuous.

The revelation that Tifa, on some level, loved him; or at least, cared enough to make him something for Valentine's; spurred within him a maelstrom of emotion.

Having the mystery of Tifa's resolved for him, directly from the source, both elated and relieved Cloud. There still a chance he could fix things, that he could make their family happy.

But, at the same time, he was frustrated that he couldn't yet answer her. It ate away at him each time he saw her. In how the words, the gestures between them were suddenly painted in a different light.

Still, he was determined to hold out and bide his time until White Day. That way it could be something special. He couldn't reveal that he knew about the chocolates she'd made in secret, not until it was a fitting occasion to reciprocate.

He wanted to surprise Tifa, in a grand, romantic gesture that she deserved.

Being around Tifa was something Cloud relished. Even if they weren't doing or speaking about anything in particular, her presence always brought him comfort. It was the lone constant he hadn't managed to hold onto throughout his life.

Now it was as if he, and their relationship, had regressed. Back to how they'd been just a few months ago. He struggled even to maintain eye-contact, as though worried he might unconsciously give something away.

His shift in demeanour hadn't gone unnoticed by Tifa. Cloud sensed an awkward tension between them, as though Tifa was watching him with more scrutiny. From the pained, crestfallen expression that her eyes, the lines her face set unconsciously into and the worries she was carrying within herself.

It tempted Cloud all the more to speak up.

When he'd had the Stigma, Cloud's work had become his crutch. The time on the road helping to distract him and keep away from Tifa.

Taking on extra deliveries was not an option for Cloud. He had promised Tifa that he would be around more. He offered to help around the bar, hoping it would keep his mind off of things. Though, in doing so, he neglected one crucial detail. Tifa worked at the bar. To help out in any way around 7th Heaven; be it busing tables, taking orders; he would have to go through her.

The only distraction afforded to Cloud was perfecting his White Day plans.

Though, they carried their own problem.

He still had no idea what he was going to do.

"Why are you and Tifa acting weird again, Cloud?"

Marlene stood, back straight and fists clenched at her sides, trying to appear as imposing as impossible. It was an endearing sight, the amusement it brought him perhaps lingering too long in his eyes.

With a huff, anger coiled Marlene's face tighter.

"Didn't she give you her chocolates?"

Cloud's eyes widened, fleetingly, surprised to hear she knew of Tifa's secret Valentine's Gift for him.

Though, they had made several batches together. Perhaps, his was among them.

Still, Cloud needed to choose his words carefully. As far as Tifa knew, he had never seen the chocolates. He would need to lie if he wanted to keep his story straight.

"What are you talking about?" Cloud asked, feigning innocence. Marlene, luckily, did not press the issue.

"You and Tifa hardly talk anymore. It's just like when you were sick. She won't say anything, but it's making her sad."

Cloud ducked his head, conscious this wasn't the first time he had been reprimanded by Marlene.

It was a stark contrast from the young girl who had once shied away from him.

"It's not that, Marlene." Cloud hesitated, wanting urgently to argue what she was saying.

His eyes held Marlene's earnestly, as his voice softened.

"I want to do something for Tifa on White Day. I'm just having trouble deciding what it should be."

"Really?" Marlene's looked hopeful.

Cloud flinched, scanning quickly over each corner of the bar before nodding.

An exuberant Marlene grabbed at his hand unexpectedly, pulling with all of her weight. Startled, Cloud lost his balance, stumbling onto his feet.

Confused, Cloud let Marlene guide him across the bar in the direction of the kitchen.

"You're supposed to give Chocolates to the girls you like." She eventually filled in.

"Oh, okay," Cloud said, glancing towards the front door. "Well, I guess I could buy some."

"Uh-uh," Marlene shook her head. "Home-made ones are better. They show you care."

Cloud paused, mulling the idea over. It hadn't been one he'd considered, owing to utter lack of culinary skill, but it was true.

There was more care given to something made from scratch. Not only in the effort put into specially making it, but in how it made the present unique.

It reminded him fondly of the home-cooked meals his mother used to make, the distinct flavours of her food he never quite since found replicated.

It was a treasured memory he longed to gift, to share with Tifa. Well, if not for one small detail.

"But I don't know how to make chocolate-"

"I can help you make them!" Marlene interjected; her heart seemingly set on the idea. "Tifa showed me how! She even wrote out a recipe for me to follow."

"I appreciate that Marlene, but I'm still not sure it's a good idea. Where would we make them? We can't do it at the bar, Tifa would find out."

"Hm, you're right." Marlene stopped, touching her free hand to her chin in thought.

"I appreciate you letting us do this, Reeve."

"Not at all. Happy to help out an old friend."

It hadn't been a request Reeve expected to receive from Cloud; a kitchen he could use, where he wouldn't be found by Tifa. Still, it was one he was willing to accommodate. If, for nothing other than sheer curiosity. So, he allowed him use of one of the kitchens in the WRO, normally used by staff or for functions.

Cloud had taken the day off from deliveries, leaving with Marlene on the guise of taking her to see Barret. The excuse was flimsy. Judging the way her arms folded and eyes narrowed, Cloud sensed that Tifa felt so too.

Still, she could take comfort in knowing that he wasn't planning on taking off somewhere. Not while Marlene was with him.

"I see you're making more chocolates, Marlene. I have to thank you for the ones you sent me. They were delicious."

"Thanks!" Marlene beamed. "Tifa helped me make those, and now I'm helping Cloud."

"I see. Although I have to say, they do look slightly... different from how I remember mine."

Cloud lifted a glare over his shoulder at Reeve, whose hands rose defensively.

Though, as he looked back down at the chocolates, Cloud found it hard to argue.

He couldn't help but compare them to what Tifa had made and feel a flash of insecurity. Despite his effort and Marlene's guidance, the misshapen pieces had been the best he could achieve.

It was surprising. Even with his time training under Shinra, the countless drills and katas. Even his experience working on and fixing delicate machinery, like Fenrir. In the kitchen, a steady hand did not come easily to Cloud.

"It's okay, Cloud," Marlene reassured him. "They still taste yummy."

"Besides, Tifa will like them because they're from you."

Though he wasn't sure he shared the sentiment, Cloud smiled softly at the girl, nuzzling her hair with his hand.

How he wished he had her optimism.

It amazed Cloud that Aerith's flowers were still blooming in the Church, the lone sign of life amongst the Midgar wreckage.

Perhaps it shouldn't have come as a surprise, knowing the adversity they had already endured through. When the land had been stripped almost completely bare; after Aerith had passed and could no longer tend to them; after the destruction of the city; they continued to grow.

It was a testament to their longevity.

While a part of Cloud worried that Tifa might misread an offering of Aerith's flowers; that she might think he still held feelings for their late friend; it felt like an integral piece of the present.

With the Buster Sword now resting amongst the flower beds, two of Cloud's closest companions were together, once again. Their love; much like the flowers; enduring, continuing to thrive, even amidst the harshest conditions.

For Cloud, it was a vow, a hope that he and Tifa's relationship may be similarly blessed.

Not to mention, Cloud knew his shoddy package needed some brightening up, and there were no flowers more vibrant than the ones in the church. Perhaps Aerith’s green thumb and knowledge of the flowers’ language would help him chose the perfect blossom to articulate his feelings for Tifa, with no ambiguity.

He had also hoped the presence of his friends would calm his nerves. That the older, more confident pair, never inept expressing their feelings, could offer him advice.

Though, as he knelt by the before the beds; hands brushing delicately over the petals; the fond, familiar voice that met his ears seemed to have other ideas.

It's about time, it teased. Always thought you two kids would wind up together.

- March 14th -

That morning, Cloud waited in his bedroom, longer than necessary.

Normally up at around the same time as Tifa, it wasn’t until he’d followed the pad of her footsteps downstairs that he rose from his mattress. The motion of dressing and getting his things ready, was followed through at a deliberate, slowed pace.

As he fixed his pauldron to his shoulder, Cloud eyed the wrapped box tucked in away his dresser drawer. He hadn't wanted to make the same mistake as Tifa and leave it in plain sight.

Swallowing, he retrieved the chocolates from their hiding place amongst the folds of dark sweaters and linen, before he began his slow descent down to the bar.

Her eyes were closed when he first saw her, steam curling from a mug warming against her hands. The tendrils rose through her nostrils as she inhaled, sighing contentedly as the heat engulfed her.

Cloud remained at a distance, shuffling on his feet, indecisive as to how to approach her.

His plan had relied on her noticing him, being the one to start the conversation as usual. It was a familiar routine, a way for Cloud to ease in comfortably. Yet, with the room bathed in silence, he felt hesitant to disturb the peace she was enjoying.

Awkwardly, Cloud settled on cleared his throat.

"Tifa."

"Oh, Cloud. I was beginning to think you’d already left."

“No, I just- something to take care of.”

Tifa's eyes narrowed as she set her mug down on the counter, approaching him. Her hand brushed against his arm, a look of concern radiating through her gaze.

"Cloud? Is something the matter?"

Drinking in the care brimming from those captivating, ruby eyes, Cloud's head swam. He was taken, momentarily, by a nervous itch to run to his hand through his hair. Gaze lowering, he focused instead on her touch; the point at which their bodies met; revelling in the comfort that emanated from it.

It was strange. Somehow, when looking into her eyes, his thoughts would become muddled. Yet, concentrating on something as intimate as her touch and the strength she offered so selflessly, made finding the right words seem easier.

"Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just- I found something… A while ago.”

“Okay..." Tifa pressed. "What are you talking about?”

Cloud bit his lip, Tifa's gaze boring into him, expectantly. Still, as awkward and clumsy as the words may feel, with each one Cloud edged steadily closer towards an answer. That alone willed him to continue.

The sooner he could learn what her feelings were, for certain. No matter her answer, it would at least alleviate the doubt that was plaguing him.

“You stayed up late on Valentine's and ended up falling asleep. So, I took you up to your room, and...”

He trailed off, unsure of how to continue and conscious of the burning steadily building in his ears. Fortunately, the pieces seemed to click together for Tifa; eyes widening as her lips parted

"Oh. Oh!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." Cloud's hands rose. "It's just... It was right there. I couldn't help-"

"No, I understand. I'm sorry, Cloud. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"It- It's fine. You didn't, really. It was very thoughtful of you. I just wish you had given them to me."

Tifa shoulders sagged as she felt the same way.

She had been too nervous that morning and hesitated at the last moment, hoping that when Cloud returned later from his deliveries, she would be better prepared.

Yet, even the time and the distraction of work were not enough.

With Cloud’s discovery, the memory she had hoped to create and treasure could now only evoke regret. The effort she had lovingly devoted to those chocolates, the expression of her feelings now wasted. The ideal moment she had hoped to share with Cloud, gifting him those chocolates. Deprived of relishing in the surprise and happiness it would bring to his features.

If only she had been bold enough.

If only she hadn't dawdled too long.

Perhaps then the chance wouldn't have slipped through her fingers.

"Well, I know this isn't exactly conventional," Cloud continued. "But I suppose that's fitting... For us."

As Cloud’s hands shifted towards her, Tifa looked up with a blink to find him holding out a crudely decorated box.

The lightest of gasps escaped from her lips, stomach fluttering at the endearing sight. She was bathed in the familiar clear blue of Cloud’s eyes, penetrating through to her heart, her memories.

The sorrow that had been coursing through her gradually began to fade. Was this what she thought it was?

"Happy White Day, Tifa."

Cloud exhaled. At last, it was out in the open. Almost immediately, Cloud sensed the tension hovering over him steadily dissipate; an incredibly freeing, liberating feeling.

Tifa silently held his gaze. Her cheeks flushed and hands outstretched towards him.

Cloud's stomach lurched as she shifted abruptly past him, a curtain of her dark hair brushing against his face. His eyes tracked her frantic movement, bearing the rush of hurt and bewilderment overtaking him, reading her departure as silent rejection.

"Hang on a second."

“Tifa?! Where are you going?”

Her voice grew muffled as she ascended the stairs calling down to him.

"We should do this properly, at least!"

Her words, awoke within him, the tiniest spark of hope.

Despite the urge to satiate his curiosity and go after her, Cloud remained rooted in place, trusting in Tifa's reassuring words. Believing they had always led him down the right path.

To Cloud's relief, he wasn't kept waiting long.

Tifa's face was flushed as she moved back down the stairs, steady breaths carrying from her throat. She ducked her head, tendrils of hair falling over her eyes as she hesitantly held the box out towards him.

For the trepidation crippling her, Tifa found the mettle to lift her gaze, needing every modicum of her heart, her feelings, to shine through the gesture.

Cloud's breath hitched at the love shining through her eyes.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Cloud... I- I'm sorry it's so late."

It was startling, how wrong they had been in their cynicism.

How convinced they had been that something as pedestrian as exchanging gifts, or a few, heartfelt words wasn’t enough to repair the strength, the hardships they had endured.

They were afraid too much changed for things to possibly work. That they could never again be those unscarred children sitting atop the Water tower; the only ones unblemished enough to be deserving of a tradition like Valentine’s.

Yet, the gesture served as a simple reminder of the ones they had fallen for, of time they had thought had been forever lost and feelings still rested in the recesses of their hearts.

That for all the scars and trauma they feared had irreversibly changed them, there remained a presence they recognised in one another, constantly fighting back to the surface. Something they caught, fleetingly, in the depths of each other’s eyes.

He felt truly happy.

Moved by a sudden burst of courage, Cloud crossed the last trace of distance between them, engulfing Tifa in his arms; wanting never to sever the contact between them again.

His gratitude was patterned against her forehead by his lips.

"Tifa, thank you."

#cloti #cloti confessions 2020 #cloticonfessions2020 #tifa lockhart #cloud strife #final fantasy vii #ffvii #fanfiction #cloud x tifa

3 notes · View notes

brainfoodgp · 6 years

Text

Winter/2019

“I’ll tell you what freedom is to me. No fear.”

-Nina Simone-

The New Year is fresh upon us. And with 12 exciting months ahead my mission for Brain Food Garden Project is moving forward and off to a wonderful start. 2019 kicked off with my being interviewed by Community Access for their nonprofit C Magazine coming out this spring. I contributed as co-writer with a group of my fellow peers to my first Psychiatric Journal, Ethical Human Psychology and Psychiatry: An International Journal of Critical Inquiry, writing about my lived experience regarding trauma impact. My fellow peers and I were invited to share our ideas by Teena Brooks from The Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. Teena as lead writer shared our work with the NYC Trauma Impact Learning Community in the article. And I am immensely grateful for her having invited me to collaborate and for her continued mentorship and friendship.

The final i’s have been dotted and t’s crossed on the fiscal partnership agreement with BioCities. And Founder Kate Bakewell and I will be making our partnership final at a signing at the Urban Justice Center on February 21st. Chef Annette Tomei’s first 10 recipes for the BFGP cookbook 33 Delicious Recipes for the Brain are currently being taste tested. And I am editing the peer stories that will go into the book as well as writing my story and how it evolved into my mission and dream for creating Brain Food Garden Project. We are looking at a release date for the cookbook just in time for the 2019 holiday season. And season two of The Candor Report podcast is currently in development for a 6 episode season debuting this summer.

And finally, I am supper excited to be writing the first Seeds for Wellness Journal of 2019. In this winter edition my BFGP Feature is expanding on an idea that I spoke about as a speaker at last year’s Howie The Harp graduation ceremony. The subject, the Status Quo Vortex a frustrating phenomena, my fellow peers continue to inform me, is a constant challenge to avoid in the workforce. I share the four boundaries that I created for myself that I utilize in every area of my working life. In the section, What I’m Reading, I share a book perfect to honor Black History Month. And if you believe as I do that black history and black lives matter three hundred and sixty five days out of the year. Trust me when I say the writing is so superb and the authors clarity and research so precise you’ll want to read it no matter what the month. I’m back as well with more Notes from the Resistance and wrap this issue up with another mouth water recipe in my newly renamed section Delicious Recipes for the Brain in honor of the upcoming cookbook.

So as always read on and let me know what you think on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

BFGP Feature:

My Thoughts on Avoiding the Status Quo Vortex

While the importance of peer workers in clinical settings is becoming less and less disputed and acknowledged as an important necessity in mental health recovery. Peer workers continue to be scapegoated and underappreciated in the medical model. As I’ve learned recently in a program that I’m working with currently. Even in a non medical model setting, our opinions are neither required nor desired it seems in making major decisions that effect our fellow peers. And although throughout my work, I constantly promote peers working towards advancement into higher positions of authority within the system to stake a larger claim in the very institutions and organizations that were created to assist us in our recovery. I have witnessed first hand where that additional power can pull one even deeper into a concept I started referring to as the Status Quo Vortex.

I first addressed this term with the 2018 graduates of the Howie The Harp Advocacy Center discussing this phenomenon I encountered not long after starting to work as a peer in the mental health field. The Status Quo Vortex is a field of energy that I’m sure can be found in any industry but seems overtly present in the human services field. The behavior that creates this energy… mediocrity and complacency. And although I first noticed this behavior in medical model workers: Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Case Managers and management in all its forms.

Peers as I explained to the graduates are not exempt. It starts in a myriad of small ways, for example, working peers gossiping with clinicians about a fellow peer around the water cooler. And then as I witnessed during my time working in mental health affordable housing it metastasizes into much uglier behavior. Working peers start telling the peers they’ve been assigned what to do or how to do it. Instead of listening and being fully present to the peers needs. they start calling peers “client” and documenting in their notes using medical model terms. One peer that I worked with that had been working in the system for several years took pride in calling herself a “tuff love” peer. I must add here that during my entire time in school not once did I take a course called or on “tuff love”! I was told of another example where caseworkers and management started asking the working peer to take pictures of a peer’s apartment that was decided weren’t meeting hygiene requirements. While this working peer put her foot down and said no in this case. These are the types of work experiences you will find that pull you increasingly closer toward the vortex. The vortex turns your conviction in to apathy and your wanting to be a team player turns into ethical dilemmas that you find harder and harder to navigate. Cross the line by standing for what you know to be right, will at best cost you your job, and at worst your reputation. Because the last thing you want to be known as is “difficult” code word in the workforce for “crazy”.

As I said to the graduates I spoke to back in October. There are no patent answers for entering the workforce and completely avoiding the Status Quo Vortex. However, what I learned for myself was that creating boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate was the best path forward for me. I created four boundaries… and no matter if I’m looking to take on partnerships for Brain Food Garden Project, working for another organization or agency, interviewing someone or being interviewed, I carry these four boundaries with me wherever I go. And If they are not met, I simply walk away no harm, no foul.

These are my four boundaries that I will never let anyone cross.

1.) Passionate/ Compassionate Vision- Personally, I don’t want anyone in my life that can’t meet this one. However, in my work environment, the place where we spend most of our lives… imperative.

2.) Community First- If the lives of the community you serve are not at the forefront of every decision you make as an organization I walk away immediately. If my community isn’t being served and most importantly HEARD. I walk away.

3.) Getting it Done Together- Anyone that has met me will be the first to tell you that I will do anything in my power to support team work and to be a team player. I have always believed to do this effectively one must remove EGO. However, this doesn’t mean that I will compromise my integrity or my humanity EVER.

4.) Lived Experience and Peer Principles ALWAYS informs the work- That is my job, that is my mission, that is my life. You don’t like it. Don’t hire me or don’t work with me.

Whatever plan you create for yourself to avoid the Status Quo Vortex I sincerely hope it works for you. Finding one’s own path in the workforce can sometimes feel like tiptoeing through a land mine. Oh, but how rewarding when you reach the other side and have learned for yourself what you will no longer accept and take from the system!

What I’m Reading:

When Maya Angelou wrote, “We are more alike my friends than we are unalike.” I’ve always believed those to be the truest words ever written. However, reading Monica M. White’s powerful and beautifully researched and written book, Freedom Farmer’s: Agricultural Resistance and the Black Freedom Movement, which I am currently reading and a little over halfway through. I am transfixed by one idea that runs through its pages, that I have daily conversations with my fellow peers. She writes, “He (Marcus Garvey) sought Booker T. Washington’s help in planning a series of lectures he would deliver across the United States to raise funds for the venture (an industrial farm and educational institute). Subscribing to the ideals of black nationalism, pan-Africanism, self-determination, and self-reliance as a means to develop political and economic autonomy.”

The last two, self-determination and self-reliance are words I hear spoken in the Mental Health Peer Movement all the time. It is all we truly want, truly crave and yet it escapes us like trying to find an oasis in a desert. And yet having them both truly does give one political and economic autonomy. It rang in my head loud as a kettle drum that all that any movement of minority peoples want is to be given the tools to practice self-determination and self-reliance. And as I am learning from this amazing book there is no greater way to achieve these goals by growing food for one’s own people.

I am just finishing the section titled, Bypass the Middleman and Feed the Community. It discusses how the black community uses agricultural cooperatives as a means of community development and as a strategy for resistance. Each and every chapter simply blows my mind!

I am absorbing, learning, and growing from this simply perfect book. Not only is it breaking down and allowing me to observe my own white privilege from another vantage point. It is also teaching me how to utilize the lessons of the black agricultural cooperative model in reaching more of my community. Maybe one of the reasons I love that Maya Angelou quote so much is that mental health affects all of us. It doesn’t care if your black, white, gay, straight or what part of the world you come from. However, where you come from and what color your skin is does influence one's access to mental health services, quality of services, and yes how much and how well we are able to feed our brain.

This is a must read book for anyone that considers themselves a food justice advocate, an ally to the black community or simply a human being that has an interest in understanding how our racist past and how a racist President Johnson destroyed Lincoln’s promise of “40 Acres and a Mule” which ultimately denied access to land and thus economic power to a newly freed people.

Notes from the Resistance:

The state of our union is not strong. By securing one of the chambers of congress with the most woman, LGBTQ+ and minority representation, including muslim and two indigenous woman. At least my faith was restored that not all American’s are authoritarian fascists. Just around 37% it now seems. In this edition of the NftR. I wanted to showcase a few grassroots movements taking place around the country you might not have heard about. And also to feature the voice of one of my favorite resistance fighters.

1.) A farm in Phoenix gives formerly incarcerated people a new way to grow... click here

2.) When I came out of the closet as gay. My grandmother was one of my biggest supports and champions. Now grandparents’s in the Navajo Nation are doing the same...click here

3.) Farmworkers have had it. And they aren’t going down without a fight...click here

4.) Chef Elizabeth Falkner speaks out on the #MeToo movement in today’s restaurant industry...click here

5.) Resistance fighter Robert Reich on the need to start fighting for the common good...click here

Delicious Recipes for the Brain:

So in honor of the cookbook I’m developing with Chef Annette Tomei I am renaming my recipe section Delicious Recipes for the Brain and this first recipe of the new year is one of my favorites. I cook it all the time and it features one of my all time favorites Eggplant. Tip: Cook a lot and freeze it it reheats beautifully!

Eggplant and Pepper Pasta

Ingredients:

2 medium red bell peppers 2/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil 2 medium eggplants, peeled and cut into 3/4-inch cubes (about 8 cups) 2 cloves garlic, very thinly sliced (1 tablespoon) Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper 1 teaspoon finely chopped fresh oregano 2 tablespoons red-wine vinegar 1/2 cup coarsely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley, plus whole leaves for serving 4 ounces fresh mozzarella, torn into bite-size pieces 12 ounces campanelle or other curly pasta

Putting It Together:

1.) Place peppers directly over a gas flame and cook, turning occasionally, until charred all over, 8 to 10 minutes. Transfer to a bowl; cover with plastic wrap until cool enough to handle. Rub off charred skin with a paper towel; discard. Remove and discard seeds. Cut peppers into 1/4-inch strips.

2.) Meanwhile, heat 1/3 cup oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high. Add eggplants, garlic, and 1 teaspoon salt; stir to combine. Add 1/3 cup water. Cover and cook, stirring occasionally and adding more water if needed, until eggplants are very tender but still hold shape, 10 minutes. Stir in oregano; cook 1 minute. Transfer to a large bowl; add peppers, remaining 1/3 cup oil, vinegar, parsley, and cheese. Let stand while cooking pasta.

3.) Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Add pasta; cook according to package directions until al dente. Reserve 1/2 cup liquid, then drain. Toss pasta with eggplant mixture until fully coated (add pasta water if needed to moisten, 1/4 cup at a time). Season with salt and pepper, sprinkle with parsley leaves, and serve.

Join The Candor Report podcast as a SPONSOR!

If you are interested in becoming a sponsor for season 2 of The Candor Report podcast contact Brain Food Garden Project at [email protected]

0 notes