Fantasy of my lonely nights
Bubbles evaporating on a meadow
veil that rises under the kiss of the wind
sparkling eyes like the reflection of a shimmering lake
sweaty hands trying to welcome yours
I looked for you without knowing it
poem,by mileva roumer
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Pain to Beauty
I want to live inside a poetry, since the prettiest words can turn the cruellest life into something beautiful.
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How can they be so okay with her but not me? What did I do to make you leave? Please tell me.
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I have an iron and vit d deficiency which is the most obvious thing in the world and I've been sleeping half days away and lifting small weights and forgetting to supplement and prodding at my body and looking at old photographs of men and searching for interesting content and drinking the cheapest coffee and swaying between feverish heat and warming these cold toes, I'm tired. I am worried I gave up a long time ago. My breathing is laboured, my lungs make the most terribly desperate sound in their grasp for life at night and again I feel I've given up - in the likes of spirit, my body like a gross cliche like a dead star losing light follows dragging behind. When I get to my deathbed I'll think I should've drank the marrow of every man who looked at me while I had the chance.
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When we haven’t learned:
1. someone can be upset with us, and still love us and not abandon us
2. making a mistake does not make you a bad person (integrated shame)
3. how to sit with our discomfort, and therefore accept the discomfort of others (expanding emotional capacity)
4. how to regulate a stuck nervous system out of survival
then, hearing criticism or someone’s upset feelings can feel threatening to our safety, triggering the fear of abandonment. This detected threat activates our protector parts, and their weapons: deflection, projection, manipulation, etc.
If we want to have more effective communication and be better listeners, we will need to cultivate awareness that this is even happening, noticing what it feels like when we experience activation, when the protector parts come online.
When we can create space between and see our protectors, we can pause and assess the situation more clearly. Reminding ourselves that we can be with the discomfort and take accountability if needed, while still being a good person and loved by the other person.
And, of course, the more we can pace our own feelings (maybe get support) and create the space to honor our pain and pleasure, the more we shift out of survival, integrate our shame and more empathy for others. 

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I broke a vase 01/01/24 2:14am
I broke a vase
And it was filled with you
Every look we’ve given
Every long embrace
Every smile made
Every kiss on your head
I feel so bad
I didn’t mean for it to break
I want to fix it
But the only glue I have
Falls down my face
I’m gonna try anyways
I’m gonna pick up the pieces
Some are too shattered
It’s dust stuck to my fingers
But this is one good
It’s a vivid shard of you
I can make it last a lifetime
I’m starting to misplace some
But I found these new ones
And the ones I’ve always had
They’re all really beautiful
Especially this one,
my favorite loyal piece
that always molds to my gaps
I broke a vase of you
But I made a new one
It’s just as beautiful as it was
And if I really pay close
I can always find you
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As winter sets in, I thought I’d write something regarding its innate warmth and also its characteristic cold yet loving (and longing) embrace.
p.s. if you want the feel of what inspired it and how it felt while writing it, listen to QKThr by Aphex Twin <3
~ Sid :))
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Only one time
There is no norm for living. There is only the common and the uncommon. And I believe that life is too special to live it commonly.
But where to start? Which road do I need to take to reach the matchless and the unique?
How should I know, how could I learn? I've got only this one chance.
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