#to actually do it. everyone in my life including my mom and therapist all say the same thing: stop helping them all esp my dad and

[werebutch]

My dad won’t leave me the hell alone . I know that he’s prone to paranoid delusions but it was a lot easier to deal with when it was something like being convinced he’s a demon sent from hell. How am I supposed to convince a man his bitch ex wife and his bitch daughters aren’t plotting to ‘split his family up’ as he puts it. He is so convinced there’s no arguing. And if I refuse to argue he will yell more and tell me how I have no argument because I know he’s right. I know I shouldn’t react to that but it makes my blood boil 😐

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the AH for refusing to be friends with someone who flat out hated me?

From ages 22-26 I was friends with R 29-33. R had only worked once in her life which was mcdonalds for 3 months to buy anime merchandise her grandma didn't want to buy her. R's grandma is in her late 80's now just for reference. R's granny had married a rich military dude who was on his 3rd marriage or so then died, so she got all his assets which included like 5 houses, 3 were being rented out which is how she'd get her income. So R never worked and just sat at home getting into internet fights. My friend had invited her into our discord and I'd be civil with her despite knowing how shes been with others. I was working full time for shit pay and going to school full time too. R was very, idk how else to say it, but she always demanded our attention. The other people in the server were 5 from ages from 16-22, we never used how much older she was against her, but she really didn't acknowledge or respect alot of us were in school. Many times we'd had to tell her to step back and set boundaries with us. It did result in people leaving the server. So, in summer of 2019 R decided to go to college. She got alot of financial aid and said her goal was to become a therapist cause she was everyone's "mom". That stuff wasn't even remotely true, she was always a total bitch to everyone. R unfortunately didn't understand that going to school means having to put the work in. She was more interested in spending the financial aid on gacha, anime merch, and other stuff. She lost her financial aid after the spring semester of 2020, and refused to talk to her school about the pandemic stress and other shit. During this time, she tried making me do her assignments and I kept saying no or only helped a little. I had my own assignments, school, and I was stressed. Well, when she lost her financial aid due to academic probation, she blamed me. When the pandemic hit my school did this thing where you'd get partially refunded your semester depending on how you did. I was so thankful for that since I barely scraped by to pay for school. R was so fucking nasty about it. I didn't tell my friends that to gloat, I actually said that before she lost her financial aid. She said I didn't deserve it, cause people like her struggled more. Which is fucking weird since I'm a first gen POC and made a few bucks above minimum wage where I live. I didn't even enjoy my time at school cause of the stress and never having money. So she kept harassing me for getting government aid. I wasn't eligible for financial aid! My parents weren't even eligible for food stamps and we always fucking struggled. But I didn't deserve help, who cares if R is a cis white woman in her 30's that only worked once for a few months, she has it harder. Then R left our server when the pandemic started getting nastier, alot of us struggled but we stayed close in the discord. Then one day I reached out to R in late 2021 to say happy birthday and she said "whose this? New phone." I was hurt she didn't keep my number, but whatever. In 2022 she reached out to me for gossip cause I broke up with someone. Then now in 2023 she reached out cause she wants resources to be a vtuber. I'm sorry, she was shitty to me, I've been struggling, and she reaches out for that? Idk even know how I'd be able to help her with that. I told a friend from our old server and she told me how she had been doing R's assignments for school, but stopped cause she was getting stressed cause she had her capstone class that semester. So wow. R basically didn't do shit for school and gets pissy i get some financial relief. I then had another mutual friend tell me how R had told them she sent me a gift and I didn't send her one, one year. Uh? I tried. I ordered something online for her, and the company sold out, but kept my shit on back order. So R got it like a month late, it was a Christmas gift and I explained it to her, sent her screenshot of when i placed the order and sent her an Amazon gift card as an apology. So she bad mouths me for something out of my control?

I've been getting "hey" messages from R lately, and idk. I'm so done with her.

What are these acronyms?

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Julian Adorney, Mark Johnson and Geoff Laughton

Published: Mar 23, 2024

In The Divine Conspiracy, Dallas Willard tells the story of a jet fighter pilot who was practicing high-speed maneuvers. As Willard puts it, “She turned the controls for what she thought was a steep ascent—and flew straight into the ground. She was unaware that she had been flying upside down.”

What if we were flying upside down? But let’s go further. What if an entire generation was flying upside down–flying through fog and danger, unable to see either ground or sky, and the well-intended adjustments pushed on them by “experts” were just bringing them closer to catastrophe?

That’s the lens through which we interpret Abigail Shrier’s New York Times bestseller Bad Therapy.

There’s no denying that the youngest generation is in crisis. As the Addiction Center notes, members of Generation Z “run a higher risk of developing a substance abuse problem than previous age groups.” A 2015 report found that 23.6 percent of 12th graders use illicit drugs. The American Psychological Association reports that just 45 percent of Gen Zers report that their mental health is “very good” or “excellent,” compared with 51 percent of Gen Xers and 70 percent of Boomers. A concerning 42 percent of Gen Zers have been diagnosed with a mental health condition, and an astounding 60 percent take medication to manage their mental health.

It gets worse. The rate of self-harm for girls age 10-14 increased over 300 percent from 2001 to 2019 (before the pandemic). According to a 2021 CDC survey, 1 in 3 teenage girls have seriously considered killing themselves.

Well-meaning therapists, teachers, and school counselors are trying to help the next generation to rise up. But what if everyone involved is upside down? What if, like the fighter pilot that Willard describes, what they think is rising up is actually bringing them into deeper danger? Shrier makes a strong case that that’s exactly what’s happening.

Lots of educators encourage kids to spend more time checking in with their feelings. In the 2021-2022 school year, 76 percent of principals said that their school had adopted a Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) curriculum. Common SEL practices include: asking students how they’re feeling at the start of each day, teaching that students should be more aware of how they’re feeling in any given moment, and encouraging students to use activities like writing and art to express their feelings.

The problem is that all of this obsession with feelings can actually make students feel worse. As Yulia Chentsova Dutton, head of the the Culture and Emotions Lab at Georgetown University, says, “Emotions are highly reactive to our attention to them.” “Certain kinds of attention to emotions, focus on emotions,” she explains, “can increase emotional distress. And I’m worried that when we try to help our young adults, help our children, what we do is throw oil into the fire.” Or to put it another way: when we ask kids over and over again how they’re feeling, we’re subtly and accidentally encouraging them to feel bad.

The reason is that, as psychiatry professor Michael Linden explains, most of us don’t feel happy all the time. Dealing with life involves ignoring a certain amount of moment-by-moment discomfort: I’m tired, my feet hurt, I’m sore from sitting down all day, I’m a little worried about my mom. When we encourage kids to check in many times per day on how they’re feeling, we’re tacitly encouraging them to bring to the surface–and then dwell on–all the things going on in their minds that are not “happiness.” That’s why, as Linden puts it, “Asking somebody ‘how are you feeling?’ is inducing negative feelings. You shouldn’t do that.”

But it gets worse.

Obsessing over our emotions can actually prevent us from doing the things that might make us feel better. Anyone who’s spent too long wallowing after a bad break-up knows this; at a certain point, you have to shelve your unpleasant emotions so that you can get on with your life. Psychologists describe two mental states that we can occupy at any given time: “action orientation” and “state orientation.” “State orientation” is where you focus primarily on yourself (e.g., how you feel about doing the task at hand, whether your wrist hurts or you’re starting to get sick, etc.). “Action orientation” is where you primarily focus on the task at hand. As a study published by Cambridge University Press notes, only the latter is actually conducive to pursuing and accomplishing goals. “State orientation is a personality that has difficulty in taking action toward goal fulfillment,” the authors warn. By encouraging young people to focus so much on their feelings, we might be hurting their ability to adopt the mindset necessary to accomplish goals in life. If so, that would make them even more unhappy. 

But the dangers posed by well-meaning “experts” telling students to fly in the wrong direction–towards the ground instead of towards the sky–go well beyond encouraging unhappiness and depression. Rates of suicide and self-harm for young people are skyrocketing. But in their attempts to cope with the spike, well-meaning administrators might be making the problem worse. Here are questions from the 2021 Florida High School Youth Risk Behavior Survey, administered to students age 14 and up:

During the past 12 months, did you ever feel so sad or hopeless almost every day for two weeks or more in a row that you stopped doing your usual activities?  During the past 12 months, did you ever seriously consider attempting suicide?  During the past 12 months, did you make a plan about how you would attempt suicide?  During the past 12 months, how many times did you actually attempt suicide?  If you attempted suicide during the past 12 months, did any attempt result in an injury, poisoning, or overdose that had to be treated by a doctor or nurse?

A survey authored by the CDC asked students “During the past year, did you do something to purposely hurt yourself without wanting to die, such as cutting or burning yourself on purpose?” Another survey offered this question to Delaware middle schoolers: “Sometimes people feel so depressed about the future that they may consider attempting suicide or killing themselves. Have you ever seriously thought about killing yourself?”

Administrators may be asking these questions with the best of intentions, but the end result is to normalize suicide in young peoples’ minds. If you were 12 years old and taking a survey like this along with all of your classmates, you might reasonably conclude that suicide, or at least suicidal ideation and/or self harm, were pretty common at your school. Otherwise, why would everyone your age have to take such an exhaustive assessment about it?

One reason this is so dangerous is that, as Shrier writes, “The virality of suicide and self-harm among adolescents is extremely well-established.” Following the release of Netflix’s TV show 13 Reasons Why, which some said valorized a fictional girl who killed herself, several studies found a spike in teen suicide rates. The CDC agrees. In a post warning about the dangers of “suicide contagion,” the CDC said that journalists should avoid things like:

“Engaging in repetitive, ongoing, or excessive reporting of suicide in the news.”

“Reporting ‘how-to’ descriptions of suicide.”

“Presenting suicide as a tool for accomplishing certain ends” (i.e., as a “means of coping with personal problems”).

But this is most of what the surveys described above are doing. They are deluging students with repetitive and excessive discussion of suicide. They are describing different methods for killing yourself (e.g., cutting or burning yourself). One survey, which asks students who have considered killing themselves why they did so (possible answers include “demands of schoolwork,” “problems with peers or friends,” and “being bullied”) is a textbook example of presenting suicide as a “means of coping with personal problems.”

The authors of these surveys seem to at least recognize the risk that students are flying upside down, and that these surveys might take them closer to the ground. One survey concludes by telling students, “If any survey questions or your responses have caused you to feel uncomfortable or concerned and you would like to talk to someone about your feelings, talk to your school’s counselor, to a teacher, or to another adult you trust.” The survey also includes links to different hotlines.

Communicating to kids that suicide is normal and a possible solution to their problems might be the worst way that some schools are failing kids, but it’s also far from the only way.

Schools are increasingly lax about standards, willing to let almost anyone get away with almost anything. Some accommodations do make sense: for example, it makes sense to give a kid with dyslexia more time to complete the verbal component of the SAT. But Shrier argues that standards are falling for perfectly healthy students too. “School counselors—students’ in-school ‘advocates,’” Shrier writes, now “lobby teachers to excuse lateness or absence, forgive missed classwork, allow a student to take walks around the school in the middle of class, ratchet grades upward, reduce or eliminate homework requirements, offer oral exams in place of written ones, and provide preferential seating to students who lack even an official diagnosis.”

Shrier documents stories of students who have been allowed to turn in work late because they were having a “tough Mental Health Day” or because “I was having a rough day and dealing with my gender identity.”

The problem with this is that one of the primary things that children and teenagers do is try to figure out the boundaries of the world. When a child throws a tantrum, it’s not malicious–they’re trying to understand this new world and figure out what they can get away with. As Jordan Peterson writes in Twelve Rules for Life, young children are “like blind people, searching for a wall.” “They have to push forward, and test,” he writes, “to see where the actual boundaries lie.” What’s true of young children is also true of older children and even (to a lesser extent) adults. All of us are trying to figure out the rules of life–that is, what we can get away with. If well-meaning teachers and counselors tell students that one of the rules is that you don’t have to do your homework on time if you say that you’re having a rough day, then we shouldn’t be surprised when more young people seem to manifest rough days.

But this is the opposite of what students need–especially the truly disadvantaged students who so many of these efforts seem to be aimed at helping. In his memoir Troubled, clinical psychologist Rob Henderson writes that, “People think that if a young guy comes from a disorderly or deprived environment, he should be held to low standards.” But, he warns, “this is misguided. He should be held to high standards. Otherwise, he will sink to the level of his environment.”

So kids are depressed, anxious, and poorly behaved. Educators are trying to help them by encouraging them to tap in more to their feelings, by asking them more questions about suicide, and by trying to accommodate their difficulties even more. But all of this is backwards. Educators are encouraging students to do what they think will take them higher–away from the ground and back to the safety of the sky. But both kids and educators are upside down. And every adjustment that the “experts” are telling kids to make just brings them closer to the ground–and a catastrophic collision.

Now’s a good time to emphasize that this isn’t all schools, all teachers, or all administrators–not by a long shot. There are heroic educators working every day to help students to rein in their problems, stop taking advantage of accommodations that they don’t need, and develop the emotional resilience to deal with the problems of adolescence. But the problems documented above do represent a trend. And while it’s not every school, the trend is too big to ignore.

What will happen if this trend continues–if an entire generation keeps going “up” until they crash into the ground? Most severe and most damaging is the harm to the generation itself. Shrier tells the story of Nora, a 16-year-old girl who helps put a human face on all of the brutal statistics described in the introduction to this piece. Nora describes her friends as going through a litany of serious mental health problems: “anxiety,” “depression”; “self-harm” (as Shrier notes, “lots of self-harm”) including “Scratching, cutting, anorexia,” “Trichotillomania” (pulling your hair out by the roots); and more. As Shrier writes, “Dissociative identity disorder, gender dysphoria, autism spectrum disorder, and Tourette’s belong on her list of once-rare disorders that are, among this rising generation, suddenly not so rare at all.”

But the dangers can also ripple out beyond just one generation. The full danger may be nothing less than an imperiling of our democracy.

As Shrier notes, many kids in school are almost constantly monitored. Her own kids have “recess monitors” at their school–“teachers who involve themselves in every disagreement at playtime and warn kids whenever the monkey bars might be slick with rain.” On the bus home, they have “bus monitors.” Better that kids know they’re being observed by an adult at all times than that one kid push another to give him his lunch money.

One of the most pervasive forms of monitoring is what are called “shadows”—ed techs or paraeducators whose job is to cling closely to one particular student so that they don’t have any issues. The original intention certainly made sense. If a child had autism, a shadow could help the kid to integrate into the main classroom rather than being sent to Special Ed. But, as Shrier notes, scope creep has been substantial. “Today,” she writes, “public schools assign shadows to follow kids with problems ranging from mild learning disabilities to violent tendencies.” Nor is the problem restricted to public schools: “private schools advise affluent parents to hire shadows to trail neurotypical kids for almost any reason.” Shadows monitor and guide almost every interaction with their chosen student, from when to raise her hand to how long to hug a fellow student.

As Peter Gray, professor of psychology at Boston College and an expert on child development, puts it, “Kids today are always under the situation of an observer. At home, the parents are watching them. At school, they’re being observed by teachers. Out of school, they’re in adult-directed activities. They have almost no privacy.”

But when kids spend their entire waking lives being monitored by an adult, they start to think that kind of monitoring is normal. Worse, they start to think that they need it. If a child gets constant guidance from an adult, what are the odds that she’s going to cultivate her own independence? If she expects authoritarian adults to monitor and run every aspect of her life already, what is she going to think of a liberal democracy that more-or-less leaves people free to handle their own affairs?

No wonder just 27 percent of Americans age 18-25 strongly agree with the statement that “Democracy may have problems, but it is the best system of government” (compared to 48 percent of Americans as a whole). 

So what’s the solution? If our kids are upside down and getting lower to the ground, then the only thing that makes sense is to help them reverse course. Is there something that’s the opposite of always asking them about their feelings, telling them that life is too much for them or their peers to cope with, and constantly telling them that they’re too fragile to do their homework if they’re having a rough day? Yes. That something is called antifragility.

Antifragility is the idea that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. As social psychologist Jonathan Haidt and president of the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression Greg Lukianoff note in The Coddling of the American Mind, kids are naturally antifragile. That doesn’t just mean that they’re tough. It means that “they require stressors and challenges in order to learn, adapt, and grow.” Not letting a kid hand in homework late doesn’t just teach them to do their homework on time; it also teaches them that they can deal with a 0 in class and not die. They can pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and even earn an A in the class overall if they bust a sweat for the rest of the semester. Telling a kid who’s having a “tough mental health day” that you’re sorry to hear it but they still need to take today’s test doesn’t just teach the kid that low-level excuses don’t fly; it also teaches them that a hard day isn’t enough to stop them. It teaches them that they’re stronger than whatever negative emotions they’re currently experiencing.

It’s time to remind kids that they are strong–before it’s too late.

All quotes not otherwise attributed come from Abigail Shrier’s book Bad Therapy.

-

About the Authors

Julian Adorney is a Contributing Writer to FAIR’s Substack and the founder of Heal the West, a Substack movement dedicated to preserving and protecting Western civilization. You can find him on X at @Julian_Liberty.

Mark Johnson is a trusted advisor and executive coach at Pioneer Performance Partners and a facilitator and coach at The Undaunted Man. He has more than 25 years of experience optimizing people and companies. He blogs at The Undaunted Man’s Substack.

Geoff Laughton is a Relationship Architect/Coach, multiple-International Best-Selling Author, Speaker, and Workshop Leader. He is the founder of The Undaunted Man. He has spent the last twenty-six years coaching people world-wide, with a particular passion for supporting those in relationship, and helping men from all walks of life step up to their true potential.

[yandere-sins]

So I thought I’d give a little life-update as there’s a lot going on at the moment and I think it’s visible on my blog as well. Maybe the positives first:

I do really like my new work, I like that I have set hours (even if I do overtime here and there) and though it got incredible stressful the last few weeks, I think the four people that work in my office space are the coolest in the whole company and I love the support I am getting, it’s something I always wanted for my work-life tbh! My dog is also doing very fine, she’s really a total sweetheart and I wouldn’t know what to do without her, and at least I, myself, am doing pretty okay-ish physically, so nothing to complain there.

Now to the negatives.

Unfortunately, my mom’s cancer returned but is quite hard to pinpoint. She went back to an even more aggressive chemotherapy and we’re hoping for the best. Honestly, I don’t wish cancer on anyone, it’s such a tough battle and even just as the primary caretaker it’s been really hard to deal with for me, luckily I have grandparents and a brother who all deal with it and help and support, so that’s good! My mental health though is suffering. It’s biting my own butt now, but I cancelled therapy to focus on work at the beginning of this year and now my therapist is fully booked, so I will have to sit out this month probably. I am telling that because that’s the reason I am struggling with concentrating on one thing for a long time, which includes writing, which explains the fluctuation of posts you are seeing, since I try to get requests and drafts done on the weekend when there’s less stress. Sadly only works like 30% of the time...

Going forward I have decided to indefinitely pause commissions. I have noticed that they put too much pressure with the deadline and expectancy on me when I am already struggling and sometimes need a day to myself. I can’t say when they’ll come back, but thank you all so much for your interest and support, it’s always a pleasure to write your ideas and I never had a bad experience with commission ♥

Good news for Mermay: it’s still happening! ... buuuut I am shortening the story I came up with. I think I was too ambitious with the three routes I teased, so I am trying to figure out how to ensure that it won’t drag out as much as Atreo’s story last year. Unfortunately, the start will be delayed some more, but we were going to celebrate Mer-June anyway, so at this point it probably doesn’t make as much difference (’:

Because the question arose a few times already, I will not be playing Honkai Star Rail. It has a few reasons, but the main one is I don’t have the time. Sorry to everyone who asked about it, but it’s just not the right time for me at the moment! ): I’ll probably be miserable again later when everyone has moved on to it and I am stuck behind but I have to make cuts somewhere ;;

I actually have some commissions and requests that I haven’t released yet, so I will try to schedule some of these in the meantime while I work out how to go about stuff. If you’ve been around for a while you probably know I like routines that’s why it’s always important for me to build them and keep them up. Other than that, I’ll probably focus on Mermay and my own writing projects which will happen rather irregularly. No guarantees on posting, sadly ):

I do realize tho that it just isn’t always possible to keep up frequency of posts and interactions I had when I started this blog, as much as it saddens me. I have to prioritze my real life before my internet presence (and I really need to not feel guilty about taking breaks from everything ever so often ;;), so if you see me vanishing for a few days, it’s just that really.

Thank you everyone who stuck around and supports this blog ♥ There’s another big milestone coming up veeery soon and I am always in awe that so many people would stay to read my silly little stories!! If you have some time and don’t mind waiting for a response, I’m always happy to chat and answer questions, so please don’t hesitate to hit me up!

Thanks everyone ♥

[punkisntdeadandneitherami]

Thought i'd share my experience with suicidal thoughts and self harm so here it goes. A lot of triggers probably so you may wanna step out.

When i was 10 years old, i was really stuck on school stuff. like, they put a lot of pressure on us, and i'm a real procrastinator. i waited till the last moment to do all that stuff, and honestly it's my fault. the thing is, i had to stay up till kinda late, wich i used to NEVER do. plus, on the next day we had to present that stuff to our parents, plus dance for everyone else's parents too, and play a song, and i have social anxiety. This got me so stressed for the longest time, bc it was like a huge thing and it was worth a lot of my grades. to top it all off, that annoying ex friend who kept pressuring us didnt even show up.

The next year, i started hating school for it. It felt useless, and i felt no motivation. The worst part was: that year, i made two friends, but they ended up pretty fake, one in specific. she thouht she was better than me, and made sure i knew it. She made fun of using medicine, was pretty ableist and was a complete narcissist. During that time, i started thinking i was autistic. i related way too much with stuff i read about it, but when i told her i thought that she went "haha aren't we all" and just kept on with her life. She didnt try to underestand me, and i think i felt a need to be validated by her. I started feeling the pressure of school, the dependence i felt towards my friends and my self hate, always being fed by both media i came across and my toxic relationship with my own feelings.

Soon, i started feeling extremely depressed, trying to figure out if i truly was autistic or if there was something wrong with me. To complement all that, i started finding out about my queerness, which was important, but it actually only made me feel more stressed.

I had to go with my parents on their business trip on October, and it felt great to escape for a while. The problem was that, by the time, i already felt incredibly depressed. I wasnt exited about anything, had no motivation, and to be honest the only thing that kept me from killing myself was the thought of how my friends would feel, specially one of my best friends, who nowadays i am proud to call my brother, was also suffering with his own mental health.

On that trip, i had many valuable conversations with my friends, them helping me go through this even with the distance, even if every time i saw a window i begged myself to jump. They helped me figure out my sexuality, which also gave me courage to both come out to my mom and come clean about my depressing thoughts.

After i came back home, i started having to wear an orthopedic vest or whatever, idk how to say that in english. Of course that didnt help much my situation, but at least i started going to therapy. I went back into school and saw my friends, including that one girl i mentioned earlier.

While that happened, i had some serious anger issues. I was pretty rude to her, while she was ableist to me. After I told her and my other friends I'm a lesbian, they all were supportive of me, except for her. It kept on for the whole year, until i finally changed schools together with a friend of mine.

I could see other friends on my new school, but the change was weird. The new school was farther from my house so i had to wake up earlier, but at least i got rid of seeing that girl. The thing is, i kept lying to my therapist, and felt like i couldnt tell anyone my thoughts and feelings. I started having kinda murderous thoughts about me killing my homophobic classmates and then myself. I continued procrastinating my arts project, and i thought i'd get a failing grade. Not long after, i started cutting myself. I liked the pain. Its like I had always felt. By the time, i found out a way of fooling the medicine, kind of stopping it from working. I thought I deserved to feel like this. I started planning on killing myself.

I had the perfect plan of every step i'd take. I'd take a cup of coffee on the middle of the night, wearing my favourite PJ's, steal a bunch of ginger biscuits from the kitchen and go to the little empty house on our yard. I'd grab a knife with me. I was going to send my goodbyes via whatsapp, eat all the biscuits and cut my palm with the knife, to use the blood to write on the walls. After that, i'd slit my throat. But i didnt do any of these. Because of my ex brother-in-law.

I started planning my goodbyes, sending myself the texts i'd send them that night, just so i could copy and paste. Then, i'd send their friends texts for them to comfort my friends. On that, i sent my ex brother-in-law a message asking him to comfort my brother the next day. I thought he wouldnt see it immediatly, but he did. He asked why, and i answered i was going to kill myself. He started lecturing me, and i admit that his speech wasnt what kept me alive, but the fact it lasted 10 minutes and made me forget to drink the coffee to keep me up.

I slept tightly that night, the night i had been planning to be my last.

After that hell of a night, i started using my medicine correctly, which helped a lot on my recovery. Today, a fuck ton of time later, I'm telling you about it, because a few days ago i cut myself again. I dont want anyone to go through that, to think their feelings arent valid because there are people who suffer more, who think life is nothing but the limited time of working of the brain and the heart.

Life means, you get to change. Life means, you get to thrive. Life literally means whatever the fuck you want it to mean. So live. It's your only chance.

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy Readthrough, Part Eight

Previously

your reviewer had to read about EP's sex life with her own two eyes

this included the bizarre phrase "magnets sucking" which, I'm not going to lie, has possessed my entire brain since reading it

I'll be just sitting at work thinking work thoughts and then all of a sudden I'll magically hear a voice saying magnets sucking in my brain and remember why it is that 30-somethings should not be writing memoirs

anyway the rest of the chapter was about being homophobically attacked

your reviewer went off on a tangent about why Umbrella Academy Season Three sucked

we had a brief "we live in a society" moment

and then we had a much longer digression about anger being useful

by the end of it all EP owed me $64.80 (CAD) for everything I had to read with the only two human eyes I'm ever going to have

Also, I want to go off on a longer digression about this today: it finally hit me why this book is hard to read...

It's not well-written.

There's a lot of jumping back and forth between things that are happening now and things that happened previously, and then when we're reading about the now there are lots of side tangents about things that are also happening now or recently happened. There's not a straight line through a chapter.

Maybe this is what it's like in EP's head and for that she has my sincerest sympathy and understanding, as I don't think anyone's mind truly works in a linear way. But she also had, I assume, an editor or two who had the thing in front of them and could have helped but didn't. Again, this is my entire soapbox about 30-somethings writing memoirs: as a group nothing's happened to us miraculous enough to fill a memoir, and we're also not emotionally ready for people to tell us we're actually not that brilliant, so many of us would have a hard time taking direction. I don't know if EP's celebrity "wowed" whoever her editor was, and they just slapped a "You go guy!" sticker on it and sent it to the publisher, but... if I turned this in I would be embarrassed to read it back, partially for all of the embarrassing childhood things I would have shared but also because I wrote it in a way that says "linear plot line? fuck her" and expected everyone to love it.

But what do I know - I'm not on the New York Times bestseller list or anything. (Or am I? You don't know.)

Now

Chapter Ten

EP tells us about being cast in An American Crime and meeting Catherine Keener

having not seen the film nor having any idea who this woman is, let's read on

ah, yes, I remember now:

An American Crime is about the horrific abuse of a young woman named Sylvia Likens

obviously acting in this role was a lot for EP, as it would be for any actor

this part of the book is actually really tender, and I appreciate the detail EP puts into talking about how she would try to get the feeling of playing a horribly abused young woman out of her head

and for all I said about it not being written well, these two paragraphs felt absolutely solid in my chest:

(apart from the fact that a metronome sets tempo, not speed, because again, I am a very specific type of asshole, and today apparently it's "pedantic about music" asshole)

EP talks about going to a restaurant in a train car that only serves pasta and I am once again jealous

she also talks about her eating disorder, smoking, drinking, and not sleeping as her basic routine, and I am once again saddened

she dates a guy who tells her she's not gay while they're having sex (see, this is where the whole timeline thing comes in - in a previous chapter she'd already come out, and now we're back before that happened)

when EP returns to Halifax she weighs 84 pounds (38.1 kg)

here are some other things that weigh approximately 84 pounds, according to the internet:

ten gallons of water

a baby rhino

2 bushels of gooseberries

a fiberglass canoe

16 bricks

2 sandbags

anyway

EP's mom is worried about her

a therapist gives her bad advice

EP gains some weight back and then goes to audition for Juno

we learn that before EP's mom was a French teacher she worked for Air Canada but is afraid of flying

we also learn that EP's mom is the daughter of Anglican minister

EP enters a sexual relationship with Olivia Thirlby and hangs out with Michael Cera and Jonah Hill and they make music and get stoned and walk around town together

oh and also they make Juno and it is good and EP loves making it

and things are better

and the next chapter opens with vomiting so it is here I must stop for the night

[donnerpartyofone]

I made the mistake (well, it had no consequences, but it was pointless!) of asking Quora how NPD is treated, because it's something I've always been curious about, and of course I got this long pompous answer from a "former consultant child psychotherapist" about how "mental illness" doesn't really exist, it's just a diversionary metaphor forced on the world of emotions by the medical industry, and also any psychology professional who claims to specialize in anything in particular "has lost their way". Like, I have long since realized that people use Quora almost exclusively to work out their own personal problems--I'm lucky I didn't hear from someone who tells me to "buckle up" for an answer in the form of a long story about how they hate their mom or whatever--but I still think there are ways of answering my question that could avoid troubling taxonomy issues.

What I was getting at was, for instance, when I was being treated for depression, we were really addressing my feelings of self-hatred and unworthiness--and not that that's EASY exactly, but in the grand scheme of things it's not so bad when a professional tells you that it's ok to like yourself more, to acknowledge your own virtues, and learn to treat yourself as a deserving person instead of punishing and depriving yourself all the time, and subjecting yourself to other people's abuses. I imagine that, on the other hand, if your problem is that you consider yourself way more deserving than everyone else, and you expect everyone to react to you with fawning admiration and loyalty no matter how you torture them, and you're mostly in pain because you can't understand why other people don't reflect back your grandiose fantasies about how superior you are...then what an honest therapist would have to say to you could be way harder to hear, than "you're BETTER than you think and you should give yourself MORE credit, etc."

I think about people I've known who were constantly weaving elaborate jerkoff fantasies about themselves and their personal importance, and how obvious it was that their problems were rooted in that difference between how they thought of themselves and how the world responded to them, and the elephant in the room with all their friends was always "Too bad we can't just tell X that they need to be less obsessed with themselves, and more considerate of other people, too bad they're making it really clear that facing that reality would send them to a rubber room--and anyone who has ever confronted them is immediately banished and shunned anyway." Like someone who is always obsessing over how everyone should worship them is not going to want to hear that their exact problem is that no one owes them worship. I'm thinking of my ex who used to absolutely lose his mind if he wasn't greeted at every door with bowing and scraping--even if the ones who failed to celebrate his arrival were animals or five year old children. I'm thinking of how he accused people who actually liked him of harboring secret insulting thoughts about him, just because they didn't grovel for him like peasants. I'm thinking of one night when we weren't even dating anymore, at about 4am, he chatted me a set of instructions for his funeral, which included loading his corpse into a space rocket to be shot into the sun; he was trying to position this as a way of completeting obliterating himself, like it was really humble of him to want to be annihilated like that, like this was not the single most expensive, ostentatious, attention-starved thing he'd ever dreamed up about himself in his whole pathetically narcissistic life. How do you tell THAT guy that he has narcissistic personality disorder, and that he'll be a lot happier when he stops believing he has to be the God of everybody? Surprising no one, Quora cannot answer my questions, but I'd still love to know.

[bloominglately]

Waking Up

There is a fine line between self improvement and acceptance. I would like to have both. I would like to be a better person while also loving and accepting myself for who I am now. I don’t know, is that possible? I have missed out on so much in life due to an anxiety fuelled propensity for avoidance. I am a very young 30 years old. I don’t have a driver’s license, and I have never been on a date. There are many other things that I am embarrassed to admit, I have never done. I would like to change my life and put myself out there. I avoid out of fear, self loathing, and depression. I escape in food and YouTube and social media and Netflix and I am done doing that. I think I am finally at a place in my life to work on myself in a meaningful way. I am starting a l glow up journey and would like to share my progress with others who may relate or be in a similar situation.

I would like to improve every aspect of my life including:

Physical Health/Weight: I would like to lose about 70-80 pounds. Right now, I am around 210 pounds. I was 220 pounds at my highest weight; I have lost about ten pounds since May 2022. I also have PCOS, sleep apnea, aching knees, digestive issues, and constant fatigue. Right now, I see both a general practitioner, and a naturopathic doctor as well as a few specialists. They have encouraged me to lose weight in a non-judgemental way at my own pace. I am very fortunate to have access to healthcare. I have all the right tools and knowledge, just need to actually apply myself, as they say. Overall, I’d like to have more energy, lose weight, heal my fatty liver, and get rid of my sleep apnea. I just want to feel better and look better.

Mental Health: I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, social anxiety disorder and major depression. I have a therapist and it’s going well. I am not currently on any medication but have been in the past. My goal is to feel less anxious and depressed, and to be able to function at a high level and feel well. I truly believe this is something I can accomplish. I just want to wake up with enough energy to get through the day. I would like to not hate myself. I’d like to feel secure and have a little self esteem.

Beauty/Skin: My skin is AWFUL right now. I have both trichotillomania and excoriation disorder (hair pulling and skin picking disease). I almost never pull my hair out anymore (which is great because I didn’t used to have eyebrows or lashes) but I still pick at my face, A LOT. It does not help that my hormonal imbalance from PCOS is causing me to have intense acne. As soon as I turned 30 a hormone bomb went off and I haven’t recovered since. My skin has always been pretty bad, but lately it has been so awful that I’ve kind of given up on it. I am getting back into the skin care routine now, but it’s been a huge hurdle. I am caught in a never-ending cycle of acne, in grown hairs and dark spots. Please skincare gods I humble myself before thee. Imagine having wrinkles, cystic acne, and hirsutism. What a joke.

Career & Education: I work in higher education and am in the process of applying for a master’s in education. I would like to also do a master’s in music as this is what I studied for my undergrad, however right now an M ED. Is a little more practical. Since I work in higher ed, the college I work at will cover my tuition, which is fantastic. Honestly, I think this is the only part of my life that is going relatively well. I have a decent job which is why I think now is the best time for me to really try to tackle my goals. I at least have a bit of money to finance them. I would also love to start a side hustle as a producer/composer. I am a little rusty though but also determined.

Personal/Social Life: I have a few close friends and live at home still. I don’t mind being at home though, as my mom is not well, and I like to be there for her. I also enjoy spending time with my siblings. I just wish everyone would clean up after themselves. Other than that, no complaints. I do wish I had some more friends and a more exciting social life; however, I think I need to nurture the relationship I have with myself as well as my existing friendships.

Romantic Life: LOL. DNE. I don’t think I am ready for this right now. I would like to work on the other aspects of my life first.

Finances: I have a shit ton of student debt. Like 70k. But no credit card debt. I want to pay this off as quick as I can. I would like to own a house some day, but I don’t know if that is possible in this economy. I would really love to be debt free and have a decent chunk of savings. Right now, I have very limited savings, and a whole lot of debt.

Those are the areas I’ll be focusing on. Anyone in a similar boat? I feel like I have been sleeping under the veil of depression and have just woken up. I am realizing now how much I’ve missed and how much I regret. I have definitely experienced some sort of arrested development (it’s one banana Michael, what could it cost? Ten dollars?). Does anyone else fell like they are playing catch up? Would anyone like to join me on this journey?

[raan-miir-tah]

OK!!! Long rambling post bc I finished my second rewatch of the ninjago movie!! Ignore if you’re one of my mcyt mutuals or don’t want any potential spoilers (?) for for sun song (my movieverse long fic that’s doing to have two twin plot lines oooo you wanna read it so bad) bc I am just rambling about how I’m gluing all the conflicting lore together

-France Exists. They have a little French guy say “bonjour ninjago!” so somewhere out there is the country of France. Idk about all that so. Fantasy France is still fantasy Asia 👍

-They also use Spanish words all the time so same extends here everyone is all fantasy Lego Asian I am not thinking about the consequences of Ninjago taking place on a pangea island with an inhospitable second island existing and Europe also existing I am willfully erasing Europe

-Lloyd is giving major “therapist friend who isn’t in therapy themselves” like he does all the emotional labor and for what

-He also tends to smile when uncomfortable and try to laugh off any of his own pain. Hypocritical styles of dealing with emotion etc etc

-My sooo serious /s revamp of the plot is including Meowthra being a more scary lion demon thing that gets banished through the power of love or some other dorky shit AND

-Lloyd getting his dumb lego arm ripped off is actually him SHATTERING shattering it (throwback to both him breaking his leg before the Garmadon fight way back in the beginning of the show and him breaking his arm w/Harumi and having arm armor for the rest of the show bc I’m so smart and big brained)

-The ninja kill Garmadon’s soldiers. People die. They are 16-17 in highschool and have racked up a kill count of several thousand when put together. I will try not to be cringe when I add this not so little detail I prommy

-The movie game makes things like Morro, Naddakan marrying Nya briefly, and the time twins all canon so. Adjusting the timeline to set those in the future idk if I’m including these guys in sun song in any major capacity but!! They are floating around somewhere

-Same thing goes for the Serpentine I’m just having them live in the next city over and just kinda vibing

Since the other ninja in the movie are just kinda, there. I’m giving them all backstories by chopping together what makes sense of their show ones, for example:

-Cole’s still got the dead mom and the dad who puts too much pressure on him

-I already said that Kai and Nya were raised in their parents blacksmith shop so they actually get a stable home life <3

-Zane is going to be Dr Julian’s failed attempt to build a better alexa that ended up sentient so he had to build this turning test passing weirdo a body so he can be a real boy™️ he doesn’t have a mom but all the movies on his hard drive make him think he has to pretend he does

-Ed and Edna are going to be Jay’s maternal grandparents/long term foster parents bc Libber and tbh I forgot his dad’s name are major celebrities who do lines between takes like they got custody taken SO fast

-Garmadon and Koko are, SO DIVORCED. So Vinny will make an appearance as Lloyd’s new stepdad who is just so significantly better like he will be the dad that steps up

Here’s where there’s actual spoilers but like if anyone reads this far they deserve a treat. I am,,, SO FUCKING EXCITED for how I’m fitting Harumi into sun song like queen really is going to show the fuck up and start stabbing people

Anyway if you can’t tell I have a new hyperfixation

[yostresswritinggirl]

─ ₊˚✧ . chapter two | part five

it's been a fairly long time so here's the next part :D

[a/n: i'm still tart from before, i just did a name change but mom please still use the 'tart' tag since it'll be easier for me to find my past asks and stuff, i don't want it to be like puppet's since there's two different tags for them · w · ]

✄ -------------------------------------------------------------------------

"the multiple failed assassination attempts made against me have helped me build both character and self esteem"

   - fish

---------------------------------------

cherrt : mom, you love us, right?

exiled : usually, i would say yes but i feel like this is going in a direction i don't like.

---------------------------------------

dango : hey, can you pass the salt?

puppet : proceeds to throw fish across the table

---------------------------------------

irse : i've invited you all here because i crave the deadliest game.

puppet, twirling around a dagger : knife monopoly

irse : ..i was actually going to suggest playing russian roulette but now i'm interested in what 'knife monopoly' is

---------------------------------------

puppet : i poisoned someone’s drink but i forgot which one.

exiled : i- you did WHAT???

chuuni, cherrt, fish and lehra : *throws drink down the drain*

irse, muttering : …the way this dinner has been going, i hope it’s mine.

dango : *chugs the rest of their drink*

---------------------------------------

cherrt : date someone who will drag you outside at 3 am to look at the stars.

dango : ..if anyone, and i mean anyone, wakes me up at 3 am just to look at the sky i will promptly and indefinitely remove them from my life.

---------------------------------------

exiled : you’re offered half a million dollars, but if you take it, the person you hate most in the world gets a million dollars. do you take it?

chuuni / cherrt : ..no?

irse + dango : of course, why wouldn’t I take a million and a half dollars?

---------------------------------------

cherrt : hey, irse,

irse : yeah?

cherrt : can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's on?

irse : ......where is chuuni.

---------------------------------------

irse : my therapist started crying mid-session

dango, pouring coffee for the two of them : i think that means you win.

---------------------------------------

chuuni / cherrt : can you please answer a question without the usual level of sarcasm?

irse / dango: only if you can ask a question without the usual level of stupid.

---------------------------------------

dango : i despise being touched. the only physical contact i tolerate is the feeling of my fist colliding with someone's guts.

exiled : [my crush, not saying his real name] is literally hugging you right now.

dango, hugging him tighter: that is COMPLETELY different-

---------------------------------------

exiled : alright.. we have good news and bad news.

lehra : fish's injuries are too severe and it's possible he'll pass away soon.

puppet & dango, not looking up : and the bad news ?

---------------------------------------

exiled : whoever caused this damn mess is going to-

lehra : it was me…

exiled : …be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance

---------------------------------------

─ ₊˚✧ . ending note

i just wanted to mention, if you aren't included in the incorrect quotes but would like to be, you can just ask in any way :D

-------------------

I found it! Yes! It was reaching a year in containment pfft but lookie, I forgot how entertaining these were to read hahahha *melancholic sigh* I miss my other children

The last one with lehra is so accurate im going to use that in the future

[selfundiagnosed]

hope this is not too personal. or word salad. but. i also display a lot of “”autistic traits”” and people around me including my autistic partner kind of diagnose me lol. but i also have adhd and social anxiety diagnoses and exhibit a lot of traits of OCD as well. so i am rly struggling to figure out where to draw that line or if there even is one. how do you Know you’re not? not sure if you have an answer but i feel like i may be in a similar boat so tysm for reading.

sorry i was at work when i saw i got this & just got off!

thats completely how i am, i totally i get it. i have a lot of autistic loved ones like everyone im close to is autistic, my mom, brother, cousin, best friend, and tons of friends. all of my diagnosis are the most common misdiagnosis for autistic people who have learned to mask really well. most of the people who know me and peg me as autistic are not usually like the autistic people i have in my life closest like family/friends.

my diagnosis are are OCD, inatrentive+hyperactive ADHD, schizoaffective bipolar type, and BPD. so like already if i talk about getting pegged as autistic but im not (when it comes up), people who know these 4 diagnosis are all really common misdiagnosis (the bipolar part of the SZA, not just SZA) so talking about it people often take my four diagnosis as even MORE of a reason that im in denial about being autistic. Its a little invalidating to the other symptoms I experience of all of these disorders.

how i know im not autistic is that i lack some of the key autistic traits i guess? i find it easy to understand other people and how they think and feel, im very hyper aware of my status in a social setting and social cues i have never really struggled picking up on. i was extremely early on all of my developmental milestones and my parents were extremely jarred that i picked up on sarcasm and dry humor from a WAY too early age. i think these are all things my therapist asked me about to gauge out of the neurosis was autistic neurosis or like just the 4 diagnosis i had as a teenager all working together to make my brain wiring look very very similar.

of course, this was from a professional assessment and i know a lot of autistic people feel like the diagnosis criteria in a professional setting is extremely out of date and out of touch with especially autistic women and autistic people of color and its been predominantly studied in children for a long time it seems. so, those reasons i posed might not actually reflect what the autistic community knows about it. its just what my therapist assessed in me to determine if she was working with an undiagnosed autistic person. so that my personal experience but i’d be happy to be corrected in this information. i want to be an attentive listener to autistic people and their experiences so if what im saying doesnt reflect an autistic person’s lived reality please let me know!

the traits i do have that are common in autistic people i know are related to these mental illnesses by parsing out the full context of what the symptom im experiencing is, why, and what it makes me do.

so for example i cant do sudden changes in routine. i map out my day with how I anticipate it going and if it goes awry it makes me feel sick to my stomach with anxiety and i start to have intrusive thoughts and the overwhelming need to counteract them with a compulsion of some kind. same with my affinity with colors and numbers and patterns they appeal to the compulsions my brain prioritizes!

TLDR short answer i’d say is i meet the criteria for all 4 of those common misdiagnosis way to a T and autistic traits i only relate to the ones that overlap with my other diagnosis.

[notthatitmatters9897]

I don’t really know what to say to you. No matter what I say or don’t say it’s an attack anyways so I guess there’s nothing to lose by speaking my mind. I doubt you’ll ever read it anyways.

You told me I don’t get to ‘swoop in & act like I suddenly care about you’ tonight. As if us being at odds was ever my choice. You’ve lost so many people closest to you and you can never put your finger on the ‘why’. Well, I can tell you why. You have been angry since you were a little boy. And you never healed; granted you never actually tried to. So you’re still the angry little boy, you haven’t changed at all. You’re still mad at dad for loving our step mom & wanting her to be his beneficiary, you’re still angry at our mom for not being supportive enough of you, you’re angry at me because you can’t face the shame of how you’ve tried to hurt me and deface my reputation to friends & family. You are just angry, you cling to it, it’s part of your personality now. The martyrdom I can only imagine. The constant black sheep behavior, reminding everyone around you that they need to tip toe around you in order to have a space in your life, and heaven forbid they ever called you out- because then they would have to deal with your wrath. “Drink my piss” you told me tonight. Because I was worried about you. Because I confided in our parents about it. Angry, angry little boy. Your hatred taints you, your hatred has pushed the people who love you the most away.

You tell everyone how alone you feel, you drink, you do coke, you rely on your therapist to tell you that what you’re doing is ok. But when someone has a complaint or a concern, you lash out with such malicious undertones that it genuinely scares me to think of how you will one day boil over and hurt someone/something else. But none of that matters, because I won’t speak another word about you to anyone. It’s not worth the price I’ve paid to care about you. You are an incredibly expensive person to care about. You are a black hole, nothing I have ever invested in you has ever been returned to me. I have swallowed so much pride to make our family feel comfortable- you included- when it was never my job to. You’re so focused on how others perceive you when you have zero control over it, yet you make such a mess of your reputation despite it all. You are reckless and you don’t value the ones who care for you. Yet you wonder why you don’t have friends anymore. It kinda makes me laugh actually when I think about how you have dedicated so much hatred toward me, how I’m one of the least deserving of it, considering I haven’t done anything to genuinely harm you or your job. That was you who did unto me. But who’s counting? (You are)

Our parents will always protect you no matter the cost. So you can have em. Enjoy.

I don’t really want to be apart of this family anymore anyways. Every single one of yall is toxic anyway. Alec is the only one who I trust & care about anymore. The generations of dismissal and avoidance ends with me. You can carry on your path knowing good & well it will all catch up to you anyways. I don’t need to tell you that. You’ve been running from your own karma for years. And despite life already kicking your ass left and right you continue to ignore the lesson.

All is well, though. You want to know why? Because I’m surrounded by people who give a fuck about me, and instead of making myself the victim and the martyr I just accept things that come to me as they are. I don’t ask ‘why me’ or try to control or threaten those who don’t perceive me the way I want them to. I have friends, I have a job that cares about me, I have a community that has allowed a million connections for me to access if I ever needed. I have never worried anyone about my actions. I have never drank so heavily & drove my car to get a DUI (that was you) the only friends I have lost have been at MY discernment, none of my friends have given up on me due to my selfishness & lack of self awareness (that was you) I didn’t try to get my brother fired at the job HE got for me (oh yeah, that was you!)

You called me a whore in front of my boyfriend, our aunt & uncle, brother, and your roommate for sleeping with 1 other coworker before I started dating Matt. Yet you’ve slept with multiple coworkers now! One that’s too young to even get a drink with you! You’re doing drugs that you used to mock others about it! You’re the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever met!

You are so incredibly lucky to have a family that gives a shit about you & your alarming behavior despite how awful you’ve treated some of us- yet you punish us when we try to tell you we care, maliciously, and borderline violently. no one is perfect when they react out of fear. We may not being showing you the way you want us to; but it’s all coming from a place of love, you’re just ungrateful as fuck about it. You are the only person I’ve ever met who has intimidated everyone who cares about you into tip toeing around your fragile feelings. So easily angered and your anger is so misdirected. We all know it has nothing to truly do with me, or your ex girlfriends, or your parents, or the friends who’ve died, or your job, or your school. It has 100% everything to do with how much you hate yourself. It’s plain as day to everyone except for you.

& then you wonder why no one wants to tolerate your bullshit anymore. You are exhausting to care for. It’s like you’re screaming for help through your actions and then you bring out your claws & fangs the second someone expresses to you their concerns. Like a cornered animal, really. It all just feels so….. Neanderthal. lol you are so insecure about your own feelings that you beg for attention yet despise those who give it to you. We used to be so close. It’s really nothing but a tremendous shame. But you’re never going to look inward. You’ve turned your trauma into something uglier than it already was. You are the accumulation of your own undiscovered anger and hatred. You ooze it. Your vibration is so unpleasant to so many.

There will be a day that you see things from my perspective (hopefully) by then. I’ll be long gone, living a life that I created for myself out of the amount of love & forgiveness I have devoted to my own life. You will be exactly where i left you, exactly where you’ve been for years. Just an angry, hateful, little boy. Get well soon, bro.

[hanaaamaryam]

Honestly, these past few months, wait actually years has been an absolute roller coaster.

I’m gonna put my walls down as i write this and just be vulnerable for awhile. I know i haven’t done much to make my parents proud, or do anything big that is worthy of their approval. But honestly, it has been so tiring being everyone’s little rock. Why little you must ask? Because i don’t feel so big, i try at least to be the best. To serve everyone that is dear to me and ease their complexities. No matter what i feel. Cause in reality, I don’t really have much friends, to be honest with you, i don’t need much. I’m content. It’s part of growing up, when you have good friends, you treasure them and you keep them. That’s a blessing in disguise. But when you don’t have one, it’s okay too, it doesn’t mean you’re alone, its just one less problem, you know?

One thing I realized about myself is that, once i be that person for someone, and be ready on my feet to provide, and at the end, i’ll get so burn out and tired. Afterwards i’ll tend to treat the people around me like shit. So no winning I guess? What i’m trying to say here is that i still struggle to say no, especially to my parents. They’re my parents you know, my provider, who basically birth me into this world and put me into good schools and had used all their time and energy to give me a comfortable life. However time has changed and we don’t live like how we used to, but it has been so damn tiring always being the middle man for them and treating me like i’m their therapist or some lawyer for them.

Can you believe it i’ve always been in this position since i was 10, i’m 24 now. But after all, i’ve been focusing on them alot these days, i think about their wellbeing, emotions, everything. Driving back and forth from one place to another, 2 hours difference between each other. Being there for my little sissy too, she doesn’t have anyone else, i mean not anyone that she trust. Only me. So that’s a responsibility i carry too nowadays. I think about her wellbeing too, her mental health, her condition. Nowadays, i cook for my mom at home, since she barely cooks now due to her age. She’s getting older, and she can’t seem to keep up. I’m growing, I’m currently building my life and career, i don’t know how to include her in. Usually i will bring her everywhere i go. But there will be a time when i need my own time, my own space. Still, i can’t do that, she’s my responsibility. The worst part is, i’m still not working. I have 2 semesters left and i’m done with my final year. Insyaallah

And in the end, i will do it still, because i love them and i want them to be happy. No matter what they have put me through, i looked at them and i see this people who are just misunderstood souls trap in an unhealed body.

Whatever it is, i love them, and i want to make their life easier and not harder. I hope i have the strength to continue. Amin.

[theneverendingmixtapecontinued]

Daily Update 358 (The Feels)

So okay, I’m basically in therapy because of yousht...

Don’t get me wrong, it’s NOT your fault...

(Actually, according the convo I just had with my beaux, a lot of it is my fault)...

We spent our formative years together, high school, the greatest years of *OUR* lives like yousht said....

And because of that, I find as that if I REALLY feel like myself again, I’m talking about yousht and all the wonderful things you taught me and told me...

Or at least, how we were definitely in a polyamory...

(I think my mom looked it up one day when we talked about it)...

What yousht did wrong was yousht NEVER overtly made your feelings known...

It was A LOT of bits and pieces sporadically said here and there and confusing signals....

Mixed with a whole lot of “I Love You’s”....

And way too much thinking of *US* in the future....

Oh, and yousht almost always had another girlfriend...

I, on the other hand, gossiped way too much, listened to other people’s advice way too much, and gave you a convoluted version of love note that said “I don’t want anything to change between us”... 

Also, I severely repressed my feelings... 

What I meant was, I loved what we had, and I just wanted more of it...

Go figure, that’s basically saying I don’t want to be your girlfriend...

NOT what I meant, but fine....

(Maybe yousht did the same thing with the word “inappropriate”?!?...)

Like I told my beaux, I feel like I’m in complete without yousht...

He’s going to get sick of me talking about yousht, just like everyone else did...

But I find I’m NOT myself, unless you’re a part of the picture...

I mean, like, what are the chances that my coworker is connected to your band?!?...

She said, you have a “big personality”....

I’ve ALWAYS thought I was the only one who loved, adored, and can handle your big personality...

I hate therapy, because it’s gonna tell me I have attachment issues...

As opposed to like, we just REALLY need to be together....

It’s gonna tell me I have “intrusive thoughts” as opposed to like, just me listening to my gut....

It’s gonna tell me all sorts of shit, maybe I should leave talking about you to a minimum, but it’s impossible to do...

We were like married, I swear...

You are so much of who I am....

Just like yousht said about the formative years, and NEVER forgetting about meesht....

The shitty way our relationship went south, and my hellish college experience formed who I became, but you are so much a part of who I am...

I mean, this guy is going to meet my family on NYE...

And it’s NOT the guy I want to marry, but it’s someone....

I can’t just wait around for yousht, or for me to get the guts to see yousht, again... 

But I don’t feel whole without you...

Like with my coworker, and bumping into yousht (twice?!?), I’d REALLY like to leave it in God’s hands...

But yousht haven’t been walking around the lake, and who knows if it was yousht or a ridiculous doppelganger of yousht at Starbucks...

Do I go back to another one of your shows, and deal with your band NOT liking meesht?!?.... 

I don’t know if it’s worth trying to call yousht, or that’s too awkward...

Do I ask my coworker about your relationship status?!?...

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure my even thinking about yousht is NOT therapist approved.... 

And me writing in this *NEW* blog is awkward...

I just know my feelings for yousht are STILL there and STILL real... 

And the minute I admit I’m STILL in love with yousht, I automatically feel myself returning, memories included.... 

Yousht are my soulmate, twinflame, love of my life....

I honestly don’t think I can marry anyone else and feel whole...

Tell meesht what to do, I need guidance....

#Destiny #TwinFlame #FEELINGS #BeTheChange #GarfieldSays

[introverted-scribblings]

Hello! Hope I'm not too late! You deserve all the best, even the small things!!!

Name/Aliases: Hunny, Hun, Ice (irl)

Zodiacs: Aries sun / Virgo moon / Leo rising / Year of the snake (2001)

Personality Type: INFP - A

Pronouns: She/Her

Orientation: Aegosexual / Homoromantic (wlw)

I am 21! I am 5’6-5’7ish, and 99lbs last I checked. Still not the best weight, but I’m working on it. I’m very skinny and lanky with a defined waist, but I’m trying to grow a bit of muscle. I have long dark/black hair that I have no idea how to style; it’s fine and high porosity so it tangles and gets damaged easily. My eyes are brown, but can appear black in the shade and golden in sunlight. I have a lot of dark marks over my body from acne and so many bruises on my legs from work. I prefer being comfortable most of the time (like, if i could be naked all the time, that’d be great), but there are a lot of aesthetics that interest me!

So there’s probably a lot to say about who I am, but I’ll try and keep it brief. The things that line up between all of my zodiacs and personality type is that I’m very introverted and empathetic. I don’t have a lot of close-close friends, and the ones I do have are kind of opposite reflections of who I am. They’re loud and excitable and perhaps a little unkempt with amazing style, while I am usually quiet, and extra polite with a heavy focus on my hygiene since my style sucks. I live vicariously through my friends’ drama as the mom/therapist friend and I’m constantly on top of making sure everyone’s okay. My love languages are quality time and words of affirmation.

I deeply enjoy the little beautiful details of life and observe the world around me in an artistic lens. I love photography in the way you can quickly capture the fun shape of a cloud or the way snow glistens when it first sticks to the ground. I adore those small moments of intimacy, like a coffee already made for you in the exact way you like it or the heartbeat you feel even being just pressed up into their side. I love writing in which I can truly show the reverence and love of these moments.

On the other hand, I am also extremely intelligent despite my emotional exaggeration. I’ve always found science interesting and math is easy when it’s present and practiced on. And psychology is a very close topic to my heart, so I learn anything I can about it. And on this topic: FUCK FREUD!!! Literally setting the psychology movement 1000 years back by destroying his studies. Disgraceful.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and never treated for it, but my home life was always rather adhd friendly. A lot of my symptoms include the inattentive type, but I’m hyperactive in some strange ways. I’ll move and shift a lot, but I’m constantly hyper aware of what’s going on around me and I hyperfocus on a task/topic until I eventually burnout. I’m impulsive in the way of “how can I solve this problem in the fastest way possible” (so like climbing things I’m not supposed to in order to reach something, or picking the skin off my lips cause they’re dry and bothering me, etc). I do have auditory and memory processing issues, so I may need a moment in between being asked questions. I do have RSD which is mainly triggered by my schooling/academics, so I try to avoid talking about it if I can.

I have been emotionally hurt a lot by people I thought were friends, and I’ve grown more confident than I ever have been in my boundaries of how I let people treat me.

I think this is everything… Yeah, it should be. I can’t wait to see who I’m matched with and I hope your week gets better! “Remember to lead with kindness, because at some point you’ll have to stop being kind. Then show them no mercy.” <3

You were actually the first matchup request I received so you're perfectly on time lol. I did see your second ask and I'm more than happy to give you an OHSHC matchup! You're such a sweetheart btw

I hope you enjoy what I've come up with!!

I match you with...

~Tamaki~

Hear me out…

He might’ve started out flirting with you, but once you explain your orientation to him, he backs off and respects it 100%

However, platonically, I think you two are a great match!

He would be the best friend you could ask for because he cares for you so much!

He balances out your introvertedness and enjoys helping you out of your comfort zone a bit.

He wouldn’t pressure you though, and if you were uncomfortable he’d ease up.

You say your love languages are quality time and words of affirmation? This man checks both of those boxes.

He loves spending time with you, he feels truly relaxed around you and makes sure to tell you that!

Your friendship (like all good friendships imo) is built on communication.

Whatever boundaries you set with him, he’ll respect. And you do the same for him.

He also views the world with a very romantic eye, appreciating the beauty in the world. Though he’s a lot more flamboyant about it I’m assuming.

You should definitely show him whatever photos you take! He’s so on board with your hobbies.

He probably jokes that you should take pictures of him because you’d capture his beauty perfectly.

He (Kyoya) suggests that you take pictures for the Host Club considering you have a good photography eye.

He might also be looking for an excuse to have you at the host club.

He wants to spend time with you!

You two would remember the little things about each other. How you like your tea/coffee, what your favorite movies are, your favorite type of music, etc.

He’s a master at giving gifts due to this fact.

I think you two would have a friendship playlist on Spotify or something. Just a mix of music that reminds you of each other.

He absolutely applauds your intelligence!

His best friend is so smart and he’s so proud!

Probably goes to you with questions because Kyoya can be mean sometimes.

He feels horrible that you were treated poorly by “friends” in the past and, either consciously or unconsciously, is trying to make up for that.

He wants to be your best friend, he wants to be someone you can trust and rely on.

He just cares about you a lot, you’re very dear to him as his close, if not closest, friend.

Due to your therapeutic/motherly nature, he opens up to you a lot more than other people.

Overall, you make him happy, and he’ll do his best to make you happy too!!

The song I pick for you two is:

“Kaleidoscope” by A Great Big World

[youngerdrgrey]

moments from a wedding // a wildmoore fic, part three

summary: “We sat across that table at The Hold Up, and we said, ‘to different minds, but the same heart.’ You are my heart, and I am so fucking happy to be your wife.” // Or, moments from a wildmoore wedding + read on ao3 (part one, part two)

chapter three summary: Mary and Ryan's day gets derailed since Ryan's still in her head about this possible engagement.

notes: Wildmoore Week, Day Six: favorite third wheel (choosing Mary for the sake of this, bc she was my favorite first, but Luke is my honestly my favorite at the moment and Jada is a very close third.)

🦇

to finding the time —

They might not be fine. The little hiccups and run-ins in the kitchen, the ways they’re both working longer and spending more time gazing at each other than actually connecting. Kisses and touches feel more like apologies than anything else. And they start doing family brunches that don’t include the other. The space is meant to be helping. Ryan has the space to think. Sophie has the space to stop thinking. They can meet in the middle.

But what if they can’t? What if the middle is like the burned down husk of Coryana? Untenable and devastating. What if —

Mary clears her throat to bring Ryan back to the moment. Ryan has to blink a few times to readjust. Stop spiraling. Focus in on the loft at midday, and her best friend pouring sweet potato pancake batter onto the cast iron.

“Sorry.” Ryan cringes as she says it. Another apology.

Mary grumbles, “Don’t be sorry—“

“Be better, I know.” Ryan swipes a hand down her face with a sigh. “I swear I’m not trying to zone out.”

The pancakes bubble slightly in the pan. Ryan’s back a bit, giving Mary the space to take control of their brunch. It’s been years since Ryan first made them for her. Years of Mary getting closer and closer to perfecting Mama Cora’s recipe.

Mary talks to the pancakes instead of Ryan. “Even if you’re not trying….” She lifts the bottom of one with the spatula. It’s not ready. They both know it isn’t, but checking gives her something to do with her hands. Gives her a beat to leave one thought behind and pick up the next. “It’s our anniversary — yours and mine. And I had to fight to get this day away from Sophie and Jada and all of Gotham. I…. I know you’re going through a lot, but I miss spending time with you.”

Her voice has that cathedral effect. When she’s trying not to sound too emotional, so she clamps her mouth shut around her words and tries to ignore the way her voice shakes.

Ryan’s shoulders sink, and Mary keeps going. “I-I miss you, Ryan. I’m working on it, like, with my therapist, but I really don’t want to feel like everyone else is moving on without me. Again.”

Ryan crosses to the stove at that. The last thing she wants is for Mary to feel left out again. Mary’s the one who gave Ryan a home and a place in this Batworld. Mary’s her best friend too.

“No one is moving on without you,” Ryan swears. “I’ll still be here, even if and when we’re old ladies in our bat-wheelchairs.” Mary chuckles, but it’s watery. So Ryan takes the spatula from her and flips over their pancakes. They were getting a little burnt. A little overdone and crispy, but still good. “Nothing’s changing anyway.”

Mary scoffs. “Yeah, right.”

Ryan eyes her. “What?” Mary eyes her right back. The sadness takes a backseat to the clear judgment. “Don’t look at me like that.” Mary hums, and even that sounds sarcastic. “Nothing’s changing.”

“Does Sophie know that?”

Ryan flinches. Sophie knows. Of course Sophie knows. She’s disappointed, but she gets it.

Or she wants to get it.

Ryan goes for deflection. A defeated “I thought you wanted me to focus.”

“You can’t focus if all you’re doing is thinking about Sophie.”

“It’s not just Sophie,” Ryan tries to explain. “It’s… the rest of our lives. And I have no idea what that looks like.”

“It probably looks the same as it does now,” Mary says.

“Does it? Because I never thought my birth mom would be alive. Let alone in my life and loving me and wanting to be this great person. And I never thought I could be a superhero. And I never thought I’d be best friends with my roommate who saved and changed my life. And I never even imagined that Sophie would be everything that she is. But it’s all so good, and it’s so scary to think that it’s all so good and all so different from what I thought would happen, and—“

“Okay!” Mary clicks the stove off and grabs Ryan’s shoulders. “You sound like you’re spiraling. And that’s okay. It’s your first engagement and—“

“It’s not.”

“What?”

Ryan squeezes her eyes tight. “It’s not my first engagement.” Even with her eyes closed, she sees Mary’s face turn. Knows the follow up questions before they even start. Tries to beat Mary to them. “You know Ange and I were together since we were, like, twelve. We weren’t always exclusive, or official, but we thought we were it. So…” her throat feels right, “before it all fell apart, we were having these same conversations. One minute she was talking about the ring she was going to buy me, and the next….”

Mary finishes for her. “You were caught with her drugs.”

Ryan nods. “And I spent eighteen months building a very different version of my life.”

“But you know Sophie would never do that.”

“I know.”

“Sophie loves you.”

“Ange did too. But love isn’t always enough, Mary.”

“Not always, but Ryan, come on, what you and Sophie have is different.”

“How?” It’s not rhetorical. It’s what Ryan keeps coming back to. Who’s to say this won’t fall apart too? Who’s to say that one day Sophie won’t wake up and change her mind, and Ryan will be right back where she was before? What makes this different? “Because it feels better? Because we took our time and ‘different hearts and same minds?’”

Mary shakes her head. “Where is this coming from?”

“I—“

“No, seriously,” Mary makes sure to meet Ryan’s eyes, “is this about your mom, or Ange, or is it just, you know, normal abandonment stuff?”

It’s not normal abandonment stuff. Ryan’s worked on that. “It’s her, Mary. I-it’s the fear that Sophie’s going to wake up one day and realize she was never in love with me—“

“Come—“

“Just like she did before — with Tyler and with Kate. I get how feelings can change, and I’m grateful for it, but how does someone go from being the love of your life to just another person?”

“Wow.”

Ryan winces. “Don’t wow me.”

“I don’t….” Mary bumps her hip into the stove. “What do you want me to say? It sounds like you’re scared, and you’re using Sophie’s history to justify your own, you know, need to run for the hills. But if you run, Ryan, then you can’t come back. Do you want to lose Sophie because you’ve lost a few people in your life?”

She doesn’t want to lose Sophie. That’s the whole point. “It’s been more than a few people.”

“That’s a reactive response,” Mary says. Therapy’s clearly working on her side. But Ryan doesn’t need therapy. Ryan’s worked on this stuff. She’s got a great relationship with Jada. She has the love of her life — even if she doesn’t end up being Sophie’s. She has a family, and she’s fine.

But she keeps having to remind herself that she’s fine. She keeps self-soothing instead of just enjoying it. She… she won’t even let Sophie talk about wedding stuff, or engagement stuff, without being weird.

Ryan’s face must fall because Mary grabs her hand. Mary says, “I love that you’re talking about this right now, and you’re thinking about it, because you clearly have some stuff to think about. But you have to talk about this with Sophie. You can’t lock her out right now.”

But if Ryan says she has doubts…. “What if it makes it worse?”

Mary gives her a little smile. “Then you make it better after. It’s so weird. You can fix a whole city, but you can’t talk to your girlfriend.”

Ryan scoffs, but she smiles too. “Don’t play me like that.”

“Don’t play yourself, Ryan. Or Sophie. Talk to her,” she says. Ryan nods, but Mary squeezes their clasped hands. “Tonight. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next time you make game night weird.”

“Was it really that weird?” Ryan asks. Mary gives her a look. Fine, the vibes were totally off. They swapped to Uno after that, and they all pretended not to notice that they couldn’t have Ryan and Sophie next to each other. A poorly timed Draw Four would’ve absolutely started a fight that night.

“So…?” Mary prompts.

Ryan sighs. “I’ll talk to her. Tonight. I promise.”

“Good. Feel any better?”

“Not really.”

Mary grins and motions with her head towards now the cold pancakes in the pan. “Will those help?”

Ryan nods. “With extra powdered sugar. And maybe some ice cream.”

“You better get on DoorDash then because I’m fresh out of the vegan one.”

“You ate mine!?”

“Mine ran out. Like you don’t have plenty at your place.”

“You’re lucky I love you.”

Mary yanks Ryan into a hug. “I really am. Now, can we please enjoy the rest of our anniversary?”

“Yes, yes, I’m all yours.”

“Good. Because I am starving, and these smell amazing.”

🦇

end author's note: ooh a bit of emotion for y'all. catch you for part four