#to be loved is to be changed and peter nureyev gives up his name lies about being a revolutionary joins a crime family tries again with Jun

[smidgen-of-hotboy]

Something about Juno "I don't know what the hell I'm going to be next, but... God, I wanna know. I have to." Steel just hits me so hard like- C'MON!

[genderbinaryisforlosers]

everyone on the carte blanche for the ask meme

everyone? oh boy this is gonna get long ajfhdsf

JUNO

First impression: i, like a lot of people who get into the podcast without knowing a great deal about it, was expecting at most an ambiguously bisexual angst machine with a closely-guarded heart of gold. juno being an explicitly bisexual genderqueer angst machine is perhaps the most pleasant surprise of my life. the angst machine heart of gold characters were kind of my type at the time, so i loved him right away

Impression now: every time i think about juno’s arc from depressed mess held together by bad coping mechanisms, safety pins, and a few good strong puns into someone who can talk about his feelings, feel comfortable about being happy, and recognise when he needs to change, i want to cry about it a little bit. the depth of my love for juno steel has only grown along with him

Favourite moment: juno has a lot of great one-liners and i’m still a big fan of the “on the other hand i wasn’t wearing a watch” bit and who can forget such classics as juno finally deciding to stop moping over nureyev and move on only for him to open the door to his apartment and find nureyev sitting in the dark dramatically, but honestly nothing will ever hit me harder than his sudden, pissed-off declaration of “i can’t die yet, i still have shit to do!” in promised land. god.

Idea for a story: oh i have so many and i want to write most of them so no spoilers, but juno accidentally kidnaps a baby during a carte blanche heist and shenanigans ensue

Unpopular opinion: obviously we all know he’s dummy thicc but i feel like a lot of people forget he’s an actual genius, like the stuff he notices and how he strings it together is sometimes so obscure and he’s almost always right. oh, also juno is not skinny and i will not be taking criticism on that

Favourite relationship: this is so tough because every dynamic is so good, but i think it has to be juno and rita. those two are so good! the best best friends in the world!! i’m really a sucker for any dynamic that’s ridiculously in-sync so i loved these two as soon as juno saw rita’s notes in prince of mars and went “makes perfect sense to me” (which it probably didn’t, because rita, but he trusted that she knew what she was doing which is the important part)

Favourite headcanon: this isn’t really a headcanon but i still think about how juno is (was?) deathly afraid of heights but when he heard rex glass coming he still attempted to climb out of the window. either his aversion to working with dark matters/other people in general was so strong is overrided his fear, or his office was actually on the ground floor. not sure which of these is funnier.

NUREYEV

First impression: we’ve all seen the memes about nureyev knowing juno steel for one (1) day and deciding to Risk It All by leaving him with his name, look at this Hopeless Romantic, this utter DISASTER of a homosexual. the fact the very next time we hear from nureyev (at least directly) he’s patiently waiting in juno’s dark apartment to surprise him with a heist definitely supports this image.

Impression now: even after literally being inside peter’s head, i feel like we didn’t get a real sense of who he is until man in glass, where we find out he aggressively compartmentalises everything that causes him stress. he’s also distinctly someone who’s had his heart broken before, i think, which makes those first appearances of his very strange. but it does remind me of what juno says about diamond, and how he decided to provide the trust first and wait for the trustworthiness to grow in (only to get severely hurt), and i think that’s exactly what nureyev did. i am also... very uneasy with how suspicious he’s behaving this season because obviously i want to believe he’ll sort it all out and not betray the crew but... oof

Favourite moment: the beginning of what lies beyond pt1 where he’s affectionately bullying juno into taking care of himself? cleared my crops watered my skin etc etc etc

Idea for a story: i’d love to hear more about his past as a young thief idolising buddy and vespa (i can’t actually remember if that’s canon or fanon but anyway i wanna read it!)

Unpopular opinion: i think people often cling to an image of him that more resembles his first impressions in season 1 instead of seeing the depth that we’ve been given about his character in season 3

Favourite relationship: him and juno but honestly it’s a close call between them and his budding friendship with rita. even though she learned it by accident, his name is still a point of intimacy and it’s one less secret to keep around her which has to be a weight off his shoulders, at least a little? they seem like they could be really good friends once ultrabots is out of the way. juno steel love (and also bullying) zone activates whenever they’re together

Favourite headcanon: i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - nureyev has never done a household chore in his goddamn life. he doesn’t know the water needs to be hot when you wash dishes.

RITA

First impression: honestly i’m not sure? i don’t remember having a big awareness of her in murderous mask but i remember loving her “note-taking” in prince of mars, i thought she sounded really fun and cute

Impression now: rita is really fun and cute, she’s also an extremely hardworking and dedicated woman who had the guts to throw in with a detective fired from the force and then invest all of her time and money into helping him help people.

Favourite moment: Rita Gets A Knife. enough said

Idea for a story: i don’t know honestly! i really struggle to write rita because her thought processes are so wild and i don’t think any story i could come up with would match mega ultrabots of cyberjustice.

Unpopular opinion: this shouldn’t be unpopular because juno steel himself shares this opinion but all future-jupeter headcanons are incomplete without rita also being a huge part of their lives

Favourite relationship: rita + franny 4ever obviously.. jk it’s juno & rita have you heard rita minute 3 they’re too adorable for this world. im still Soft over their conversation at the end of soul of the people when he said he couldn’t stay in hyperion anymore but he wouldn’t leave with the carte blanche if rita wasn’t coming because he was done leaving her behind, and she threw out all her hesitations on the spot and said call the big guy. speaking of, rita & jet are a close second. instant best friends i love them.

Favourite headcanon: i think this is basically canon now but rita being literally half the height of jet is so good

JET

First impression: “haha lorge funny man puts juno in the trash”

Impression now: jet sikuliaq is one of the dearest characters to me out of anything ever. he is a huge, menacing, polite, kind, sincere man who i would very much like to give me a hug. he’s the best aro ace in outer space and while being generally very levelheaded and straightforward, also takes every opportunity to fuck with juno because it’s very easy and very hilarious to him personally. he is everything my autistic acearo ass needed and i’m so glad to have him

Favourite moment: all of them every single one. him putting juno in the trash is of course a classic and every moment jet chooses to be funny makes my heart happy, but also every piece of genuine advice he gives. i’m a particular fan though of buddy recounting her years in the lighthouse and him saying he became concerned when she didn’t come downstairs at the usual time. “you took the door off its hinges.” “i was deeply concerned.” king of understatement

Idea for a story: again no spoilers for you but..... tools of rust time loop au

Unpopular opinion: this isn’t “unpopular” as much as it is unknown but jet is buddy’s queerplatonic partner and i will keep saying it until everyone believes it

Favourite relationship: jet and buddy,,, just everything about them. the way he suspects when she’s lying, the way she makes tea for him when she expects him to drop by. the fact he comes to check on her when she is 41 seconds late to the family meeting because it’s unlike her to be late and the last time she was late for something her brain was turning to radiation soup. but most especially the way she snaps at him to stay out of her business and he said he could not because he made her promise eight years ago to never stay out of the business of her health, no matter how many times she asked. they r literally in a qpr

Favourite headcanon: i don’t think this is true but i still think it would be funny if the ruby-7 used to be painted red but when jet got it he had it painted green because he Just Really Likes Green (as evidenced by his hovercycle). it’s very funny to me.

BUDDY

First impression: it’s been a minute since i relistened to time gone by but i’m pretty sure the first thing she ever says in the podcast is sliding up to depressed accidental whiskey thief juno and say “that’ll be ten million creds,” scaring the shit out of him, so needless to say i was in love instantly.

Impression now: my love for buddy aurinko has only grown and if it sounds like i already said that in this post it’s because i did about juno and it’s appropriate because the parallels are astounding. the heart of it all gave us such depth to buddy’s internal monologue and why she always sounds like she knows exactly what to say and what that’s like and honestly will i ever be over the heart of it all as an episode? unlikely. i think i’m gonna have a little piece of it in MY heart forever.

Favourite moment: everything she’s ever said is iconic as hell i especially like “in an impressive fit of hubris i’ve decided not to prepare my words for this vow” which made me laugh out loud but once again i must give it up for her iconic “I WANT TO LIVE” moment. honourable mentions to her taking rita out for ice cream and giving juno shooting lessons while she’s in her actual wedding gown. i love her

Idea for a story: buddy and vespa as sun/moon dieties.... that’s all

Unpopular opinion: stop drawing her with a fancy high-tech eye like the theia!! it canonically looks like garbage and it’s described in detail, please, i’m dying, also don’t minimise her scars you bastards

Favourite relationship: buddy and vespa invented romantic love and the entire carte blanche crew’s relationship to her is great but you know by now i’m a slut for buddy & jet out-of-this-world queerplatonic partners. the way she checks in on him during tools of rust to make sure he’s not relapsing and he comes to find her when she is 41 seconds late in the heart of it all to make sure she’s not having a heart problem!! it’s the trust,, the devotion,, the mortifying ordeal of being known

Favourite headcanon: she can sing. absolutely tears it up at karaoke. i’m right

VESPA

First impression: knife lesbian goes STAB. she will heal your wounds but she will be threatening to give you more the whole time

Impression now: she is extremely strong, heart-rendingly tender, and despite being in the older half of the carte blanche crew somehow has unmistakable little sister energy which makes her downright hilarious. i’m so glad she got to marry buddy and they’re official space wives now they’re so good for each other

Favourite moment: both from shadows in the ship, either “GUN!!” “KNIFE?!” (iconic) or when she clocks the dark matters drone pretending to be juno because it called her crazy and juno wouldn’t call her crazy. i’m always a sucker for “shapeshifter fails to fool mark because they Know Each Other Too Well” and it was just *chefs kiss* so good

Idea for a story: i really want to write something about when she was first staying at the lighthouse with buddy post-reunion, and getting to know jet and stuff. i think it would be cute

Unpopular opinion: i know vespa doesn’t canonically have lots of scarring but people who don’t draw her with scarring? cowards.

Favourite relationship: once again, although buddy and vespa invented romantic love, i just love the dynamic between vespa and juno so much. they’ve come so far with each other and their weird sibling dynamic gives me life. at the end of what lies beyond when juno says “we’re not gonna kill her, vespa” and instead of sounding full of Rage and Suspicion she’s like “whyyy notttt?” and he’s like “because i said so!” and that’s just good enough for her even if she’s a bit grumpy about it. i love it.

this took.. a hot minute to do! jshkfjsdgsa thank you dyl ily <3

[stummysnort]

hi yes i am listening to your peter nureyev playlist and oh. my god. it is. so goooooddd--!!

luck be a lady as a nureyev song is ascending my soul!! its- lady!! like juno!! and,,,, the casino vibbbeeee!!, yesyesyes fanastic i am love i am LOVE

gimme gimme gimme goes so fucking hard oh my gosh i am Living!!!! any playlist with abba on it is immediately 10/10 man thats the rules i dont make em sorry /j /pos

ohhh and mask of my own face is also on my nureyev playlist! i was so excited when i saw it on the list bc ohh somebody else sees it tooo yesssssssswssslksjfbhjsihfgbfkaj (killer queen is also on my playlist but you Must have The Femme Fatale song on your nureyev playlist it is The Law /pos)

oh my god morph fits so well

also cant let go juno??? incredible. immaculate. i am Living i am Breathing so tragic so tender-!!!! (before i got into tpp i had no idea there were so many songs about loving someone named juno but turns out there are so many?? had no idea juno was a common enough name for people to sing abt it lol)

bust your kneecaps fucks so severely as a s3 nureyev song (or even pre canon??)

last words of a shooting star is,,,, it is,,, giving me,,,,, Emotions,,, its makin me think of what lies beyond pt 2&3 w like "im relieved i left my room clean and tidy" and general themes of regretful leaving ykyk it is just!! emotioning me!

also angel of small deathhhhh!!! i am just!!!!!!! it is!!! just! Very Good!!

i cant keep going on abt every single song ill literally be here all day just know that they are all perfect and you are a Deity my friend !!

i am feeling those Tragic Homme Fatale Vibes i feel like i could change my name and heist a bank

everything is also like Exactly my music taste. i scrolled through and i saw mother mother and p!atd and IDKhow and RICKY MONTGOMERY and i started vibrating bc i love all of those artists and i got so excitedddd!! you have incredible taste my friend

(i apologize for saying nothing except !!!!!!!!! for 200 words /lh)

all and all i. am. VIBING. 10/10💖💕💕🌟💕🌟💖💕💫💕💫🌟💖💖

AAAAA IM SO GLAD U LIKE IT !!! :)))))) !!!!! luck be a lady is peak jupeter and it isn’t on enough tpp playlists omg one day i’ll make an animatic to it,,,, anyways thank u so much AHHH 💞💘💓💞💘💓💘💓💞💘💞💓💞💓💞💘💓💞💘💞💓💞💘💓💞💘💓brain rot nureyev kinnies rise up

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

29 peter nureyev?

Today, I re-listened to Angel of Brahma. Then I noticed that a few of mutuals had also re-listened to Angel of Brahma. You know what that means. 

It’s cry over Mag hours folks. 

29. “Now this, the thirtieth hat in my collection -”

I broke a little from the intended concept of the prompt, because my ideas got away from me. I love hats, I love Peter, and I love coming of age stories. This became a mix of all three. 

(send me a prompt)

It takes hours of whining, pleading, and fighting against all opposing arguments (”What if you were caught and executed by a laser? How could I live with myself?”), but eventually Mag agrees to let Peter steal something on his own. He comes back into their hideout triumphant, cheeks flushed, the prize clutched in his hands. 

“A hat?” 

“A great hat,” Peter corrects. Many of the businesspeople who come to Brahma stop at a cafe only a short highrail ride from their hideout, and all of them wear suits and hats like the one in his hands. Outfitted in a suit of his own, it was all too easy to blend into the crowd and snatch one without meriting a second glance. Mag chuckles.

“What are you going to do with it?”

“Hang it in my room.” Peter tosses the hat into the air and catches it on his fingertips. “It’s a trophy. It’s my first heist!”

He’s twelve then; too short to reach the spot where he decides to hang the hat, too proud to let Mag do it for him. He drags over a chair and pounds a nail into the wall while Mag watches, nervous that he’ll hit his fingers. The hat hangs on his wall for three months. Then something goes wrong, they have to move, and it, along with everything else he owns, is left behind.

**

Louis Bisset wears a ridiculous hat. It’s shaped like a disc and perches at a precarious angle on top of his mess of red curls. When he’s painting, it sometimes flops down in front of his bright cornflower-blue eyes, and he’ll push it back up with the end of his brush. If his brow furrows, it dips lower, like a boat bobbing in the waves. He’s handsome when his brow furrows.

Peter’s smitten. 

“I’m in love,” he announces while Mag sits on the floor counting out stacks of creds.

“Is that so?”

“Yes.” He sighs and flops back onto the moth-eaten sofa that they found on the curb a few weeks ago. “I feel like... Mag, I’ve never felt like this before. Not ever. I know I’m in love.”  

“Fascinating. What is this mysterious suitor’s name?”

“Louis,” he sings.

“Louis as a boy’s name, or a girl’s -”

“I’m don’t like girls!”

“Right, right. I knew that.” Mag sets down the cash and turns around. “So Louis the boy, then. How did you meet?” 

“Oh, we haven’t met.” Peter kicks one of his ankles against the ceiling. “He doesn’t know I exist. But I’ve seen him in the square every day and today I’m going to actually talk to him.” 

“Hmm.”

“And then he’ll see how in love with him I am, and then we’ll kiss and it will be perfect.” 

Mag doesn’t seem to share Peter’s excitement. “Hmm,” he says. “Are you sure this is safe, Pete? When you’re young, you feel lots of impulses that -”

“Oh god, Maaaag, you’re so embarrassing.” Peter grabs an apple and hops out the door. “Now I’m leaving to go confess my love. I’ll see you soon.”

Soon, it turns out, is early the next morning, when he crawls back through the window of their hideout holding a hat. The hat of a boy who admitted he had, in fact noticed Peter in the square. A boy who revealed AFTER everything was over that he would be leaving Brahma the next day. But here, he said, take this hay to remember me.

“Everything alright?” asks Mag. He’s sitting at the kitchen table across from the window; probably he knew Peter would come in that way. 

Peter slams the window shut. There are tears in his eyes. “No, it is not alright. He lied to me! I’m never going to love anyone again!”

“Now that’s a bit much.” 

“It isn’t! He took my heart and only gave me this stupid stupid hat and YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL!” He flings the hat down and storms off to his room in tears.

Peter’s thirteen, and this is the first time he’s cried since he was six. When he emerges from his bedroom to grab a bar of chocolate (chocolate fixes most problems), Mag has gotten rid of the hat. Peter never says it, but he’s grateful. He didn’t want to look at it a second longer. 

**

Pickpocketing. 

That was the crime. 

A girl, maybe two years older than Peter, with dirty clothes and a somehow goth black hat. She tried to rob him while he was walking back to the hideout, brandishing a knife as she shouted, “Give me your money!”. He could run, of course. He could probably take her in a fight, if it came to that. 

He didn’t get the chance. 

She planned it badly; he saw that immediately. There was a streetlight nearby. Her voice was too loud. When the laser fired from the sky above, it pierced neatly through her hat and clove down to the ground, and she toppled to the ground in two different pieces. 

Peter managed to make it home without screaming, but once he fell through the door of their hideout (not even risking the window) it all came out.

And now he’s been sitting here on the floor, shaking against the front of Mag’s tear-soaked jacket, like he’s a child again. 

“What if that happens to me?” he gasps. “What if that happens to you?” 

**

Three things change very dramatically very quickly.

First: he’s taller. Almost two feet taller. Taller than Mag. He trips over almost everything and he feels out of place and he can’t believe this is the cursed body he’ll have to contend with for the rest of his life, and also he can’t wear heels anymore.

Second: his voice is deeper. Smoother. It suits him, he thinks.

Third: his hair will suddenly not do anything he wants.

Combs get caught in the tangles and break. He tries to braid it back and the hair ties snap. Mag grabs a pair of shears, sits him down at the kitchen table, and lops it all off. Doesn’t work. Now it just has more angles to stick up at.

This is where the beanie comes in. He’s seen people around the streets wearing them, and they don’t fit his style exactly, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So, the next time Mag raids a department store, he grabs one for Peter and brings it home. It doesn’t erase his hair problems, but it does a good job of hiding them. He decides that’s good enough.

Peter decides to spite his ridiculous six feet and wear the heels anyway, and he thinks it makes him intimidating. He practices dozens of new accents and records himself saying them. He steals nine more beanies in different colors and matches them with his outfits.

He’s nearly fourteen, he’s a criminal, and he’s somehow still alive.

**

Mag knocks on the door while Peter is painting his nails. 

“Password?” 

“Come on, Pete-”

“Password?”

He hears a sigh from the other side of the door. “It’s ’Mag is an idiot.’”

“Correct. You may enter.” He holds up one manicured hand as Mag steps through the door. “Do I have time to do a second coat before we leave?”

“Probably not. You can do it when we get back.” 

“Alright, then. You still haven’t told me where we’re going.” They’ve been expanding their perimeter these past few days, hitting stores and banks a distance from their hideout to throw off the constables. Neither of them wants to move for what would be the fifth time this year. 

“You’ll see when we get there. But first -”

Mag has been holding his hands behind his back. Now he moves one forward and tosses something across the room - 

“A fedora?” Peter catches it in the hand without wet nails. “The fedora I was looking at earlier this week.” 

“Happy birthday.” 

He’s fourteen, and he’s been saying he’s too old to hug his father figure. Now he hops up and does it anyway. 

**

“The constables are employed by?” 

“The New Kinshasa government.”

“And they’re armed with?”

“A baton, a plasma knife, and two high-power laser pistols. Oh, and pepper spray.” 

“Very good, Pete. And they wear?”

“Black single-breasted jackets over black slacks with red stripes up the side - white for higher ranks.” 

“And?”

“And... damn. I know this.” 

“Take your time.”

“Flat caps! Red ones with black trim.”

“Excellent! I don’t think you’ve missed anything.” 

It’s still at least a year out, but already they’ve started planning for it - Mag’s great heist. The mission to take down New Kinshasa. 

The one that will make everyone remember his name. 

Mag sits down next to him and rustles his hair, mussing it into those sloppy angles it still goes back to sometimes. “I,” he says, and there is love in his eyes. “Am so proud of you, Peter.”

“Yes, yes, now stop getting sentimental, old man.” Peter rolls his eyes and ducks away. “We have more to go over! Are the caps wide brim or flat?”

They’ll all know his name.

**

The room is the color of the hat is the color of the blood on his hands and the blood on the body at his feet.

He makes it of the reactor room. Kills a constable, steals their uniform, and makes it out of the building. 

When he gets to the hideout, he doesn’t bother to climb in through the window. There’s nothing he can take with him that he couldn’t just steal on the way to wherever he’ll go next. Anyway, he has a fake ID in his pocket. He has a knife, and once he washes off the blood -

Once he washes off Mags’s blood - 

- then he can use it again. And he’ll have to. 

In the lining of his vest, he has a small roll of cash, a pack of cigarettes, and a book of matches. Now he pulls out the loose threads and grabs the latter of these. He doesn’t stick around to watch the hideout burn.

The boy that pulls the cap low over his face as he turns away is sixteen. 

The name he was before is turning to ash behind him. 

[briwhosaysni]

33 and Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place? :3c

Technically I’ve written a sort of fix-it extended ending for this already, but honestly we could all use more denial fodder to hold us over until next week. Plus, a true alternate ending was a fun challenge. Hope you like it! It’s not exactly… happy, per se, but at the very least Juno isn’t allowed to let his jackassery go unquestioned.

I woke up when I felt the bed shift and Juno get up. I was about to drift back to sleep, assuming Juno was merely getting up for a glass of water or to use the restroom, but then I heard the soft rustle of fabric, a zipper being pulled up, a belt being buckled. I sat up, my drowsiness rapidly fading.

“Juno?” His hands froze on the button of his shirt. After a moment, he turned to look at me, and if his intentions hadn’t been clear enough already, I could see them written across his face, even in the dim light of the room. My heart ached. I’d suspected something like this might happen, but I had desperately hoped it wouldn’t.

“I…” He searched for something to say. I shook my head. He sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Talk to me,” I pleaded.

“I… What do you want me to say, Nureyev?”

“Well, telling me why you’re leaving would be a nice place to start.”

“I…” He huffed out a bitter laugh. “I can’t go with you.” I worked to keep my voice steady.

“Why not?”

“It’s…” He hesitated, seeming to search for the words. “I can’t leave this city. Not forever. It’s… It may be a godawful city, but it’s my godawful city. It’s… home. It’s as much a part of me as I am of it. I can’t just leave that behind.” I listened, thought about his words, took a moment to weigh my options.

“Okay.” His head snapped up to look at me, confusion written across his face.

“What?”

“Okay. You can’t leave, and I have to go. But…” I reached over and laid my hand on top of his, winding our fingers together. He squeezed my hand when I did, and it made me feel a bit better. “That does not preclude other arrangements. I have to leave, but that doesn’t mean I can’t come back. A few weeks away, a few weeks on Mars… I think we could strike a nice balance, if we tried.” Juno nodded, but looked away, remaining silent. “Unless…” I swallowed around the lump in my throat. I hated to ask the question, mostly because I was afraid of the answer, but it had to be done. “Unless that’s not the only reason.” He turned his face further from my view, and my throat grew tight. “Juno, if… If you don’t… I know better than to take what you said in the tomb at face value. You were under an unbelievable amount of pressure, we both were, and I know people say a lot of things when they’re staring death in the eye. So if you… if whatever you saw in my head made you rethink your feelings for me, or you never really felt that strongly about me to begin with, then I’ll deal with that. But I would ask you at least tell me if that’s the case.” He turned back to me, and he almost looked angry.

“No, that’s not- Not feel that strongly about you? Fuck, Peter, I almost died, and the only thing I cared about was making sure you were safe. What I saw in your head, it… I… I know about Mag.” My heart skipped a beat. I hadn’t heard that name in 20 years, and it brought forward a lot of things I’d tried to forget.

“Oh?” It was a strangled noise, but it’s all I could manage. He nodded.

“I… I know what happened, on New Kinsasha. I know what you did, how he’d lied to you… I… I don’t blame you. That kind of betrayal is… And you were just a kid… No. That didn’t change the way I feel about you.”

Feel. Present tense. My shoulders had felt lighter as soon as the words “don’t blame you” had left his lips, but the fact that he said “feel” instead of “felt” made my heart soar. I tried to get my emotions back under control, though. Feel or felt, he was still about to leave, and I still didn’t know why.

“Then what is it, Juno? If you still love me, and I still love you, what’s wrong?” He looked away again, and we were silent for what felt like hours, though it was likely no more than a minute.

“I… Why do you?” I blinked.

“What?”

“Why do you? Um… feel that way… about me? I’m-” Another bitter laugh. “I’m a fucking mess, Nureyev. I’m just… And you’re so… You could do so much better than me. You deserve so much better than me. And as much as I want you, I’m not gonna stick around to wait for you to realize that. I… I couldn’t…” I couldn’t decide if I was more sad for him, or angry at him.

“Juno-”

“Don’t- Don’t try to tell me it’s not true. You said you loved me, and I know you believe that. You do, for now. But things like that, like this, they don’t work out for me, Nureyev. Soon enough I’m gonna do something, and you’ll realize you’re better off without me.”

“You mean like walking out on me in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye?” He flinched, tried to pull his hand away, but mine held firm. “Juno, you do realize that self-sabotage only happens if you actively sabotage yourself, right? You don’t have to do this. You may argue that I haven’t seen you at your worst, but I’d say I’ve seen enough to know what I’m getting into. I love you, Juno. Your strengths and your flaws. I want to make this work, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you believe that I’m not going to grow tired of you and toss you aside.”

“Seriously? You, the guy that can’t stop moving from one planet to the next? The guy always eager to see something new?” I scowled.

“That’s different, and you know it.”

“Is it?”

“Yes! You are not some, some, picturesque view. You’re not a new landmark to see or a new food to try! You are so much more than that. You’re… You’re a good book to be read over and over again, a new detail discovered each time. You’re a favorite song that you never grow tired of listening to. You’re comfort food, that makes you happier than any expensive meal ever could. You’re…” I knew I was crying by this point, the tears running hot down my cheeks, but I didn’t care. “You’re… You, Juno Steel, feel more like home than any place I’ve been or anyone I’ve met in decades. And that’s not a feeling I will ever grow tired of.” He was silent, and it took me a moment to realize that he was crying too. “Juno…”

“Please.” His voice sounded so small, so broken, that my heart broke right along with it. “Please don’t… I know. I know how this ends, Nureyev. I’ve seen it enough times to know exactly how this goes. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” It took a moment for me to understand what he was referring to.

“Juno… You do realize that not all relationships end up like the ones in the cases that come across your desk, don’t you?” He stayed silent, so I decided to push. “I’ll do whatever it takes to prove to you that I’m not going anywhere. We can take it slow, if you like, or I can go out and buy you a ring as soon as the shops would open. Tell me what you need, Juno, and I’ll do it.” He looked at me, wary, and maybe even a little afraid.

“I…” He sighed. “Maybe just some time, Nureyev. I… The past, god, however many days… It’s been a lot. Just, give me some time, alright?” I knew he didn’t mean it, but I also knew it was the best I would be able to get from him that night.

“Alright. I can do that. Do… I don’t suppose you’re coming back to bed, now.” He hesitated, before shaking his head.

“I think it would be better if I went home. I… I need to clear my head.”

“I understand. I… I was hoping we might go to Io together for a short time, but as that’s not happening… I do have some assets there that I’d like to pick up. It should be about a week and a half, round trip. I… Perhaps I could go and we could talk more when I come back?” my heart started to race as I waited for his reply. Finally, he nodded.

“Yeah, alright.” I could tell he didn’t think that was going to happen. As sad as that made me, he also didn’t have to. I knew I would be back. Still, I couldn’t help but try to reassure him.

“I will come back, Juno. I promise.” He gave me a sad smile.

“Whatever you say, Nureyev.” He stood and buttoned his shirt, before putting on his shoes and slipping on his coat. On impulse, I got up and walked towards him.

“Juno?” He turned towards me, and before he had the chance to say anything, I pulled him in for a kiss. Nothing grand, nothing that could be interpreted as a last goodbye, just a gentle press of the lips. “I love you,” I said as I pulled away.

“I-” he stopped before he said it, giving me than same sad smile. “I’ll see you next time, Nureyev.”

“You will,” I replied decisively. I released his coat. “Goodnight, Juno.”

“Goodnight, Nureyev.” And with that, he turned and walked out the door. I got back into bed, though I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep for some time. Instead, I pulled out my tablet and booked a ticket for Io, as well as one from there back to Mars. Juno may not have believed me, then, but I was going to make sure I kept my promise. If nothing else, I would give him every reason to believe me in the future.

[ernmark]

So @typehere452 posited a question for me:

I wonder how Peter will feel about Juno after the whole season ending and after all that. Because we kinda all focus on Juno but Peter seen shit too.  Like so much freaking shit too 

And boy howdy, have I done a lot of thinking on the subject. So I’m gonna break it into parts.

No matter what, he’s gonna want to stay away.

You’ll discover it all eventually. There’s no getting around that. So… look through my memories now. Then decide whether Peter Nureyev’s baggage is worth your time… or if you and I part ways, once all this is done. (Angel of Brahma)

I’m so excited to share that future with you, Juno. But only if it’s the future you want. And if it isn’t… I’ll leave alone. For good. And that will be that. (Final Resting Place)

Peter’s made it excruciatingly clear that he’s not going to stick around if Juno doesn’t love him. Partly because of his wanderlust, I think, and partly because it would just be too damn painful for him to come back.

How much did he expect Juno to leave him?

Certainly a lot, considering just how many opportunities he gave Juno to walk away. I’m not kidding, there were a lot. After they got back from the clinic, he didn’t seem to believe that Juno wanted to go at all until he said those exact words himself (you know, without the looming threat of death). But Juno wasn’t exactly forthcoming. He kept hedging his words and talking in circles. 

NUREYEV: Are you certain that you want to leave Mars?

JUNO: Yeah, of course I am. I said that, didn’t I? Back in the tomb. Before… the bomb.

Even his final “acceptance” of the offer is backhanded:

I want to leave. With… you.

Yes, that’s what Juno wants. But Juno is chronically miserable and used to being denied what he wants. Wanting something doesn’t mean it’s ever gonna happen.

Peter understands the weight of words. He knows how easily they can be twisted around to hide the truth and feed into the listener’s hopes. As a thief and a con man, he’s well versed in the art.

How does he handle being lied to?

This is a man who just plain assumes people are going to lie to him. He knew that he’d be poisoned when he walked into the Triad restaurant, he knew he was going to be cheated when he entered the game with Engstrom, and he knew that the things Juno said in the heat of passion (like when he’s about to be blown up) weren’t going to be super reliable.

Here’s the thing about expectations: when you start with the assumption that everybody’s lying to you all the time, those lies lose their sting. It’s just the way of the world. 

But he wants to trust Juno. So goddamn much. And it’s clear just how much it hurts him when Juno doesn’t reciprocate. In fact, those are the only times we’ve seen him get really, sincerely angry. 

NUREYEV: (HE GETS ANGRY HIS WORDS GET CLIPPED AND HARD – IMPATIENCE MORE THAN FURY)  I would never bet your life. 

JUNO: Come on, do you seriously think I’m that much of an idiot? If you lose, you’ll make up some other name and it’ll all fall on me. You’re throwing me under again, just like you did with the Kanagawas!

NUREYEV: Like the Kanagawas? Really? You have no idea how much I did to keep the Kanagawas off you, Juno. You have no idea how much I’ve risked already. For you. 

(QUIET AND COLD. NOW NUREYEV FEELS BETRAYED) You took these from my coat pocket, didn’t you? (Train From Nowhere)

What we learn from Mag

Before Juno, there’s only actually one person who he trusted completely, and that was Mag. And when Mag lied to him, he didn’t take it well. At all.

NUREYEV: (COLD)  How am I supposed to believe that, Mag? If you’ll lie, if you’ll say anything to prove your truth, how do I know this isn’t a lie, too? (Angel of Brahma)

In case you could ever forget, that betrayal was enough to make him willing to pull a knife on Mag. He was even willing to kill Mag after that point.

But there’s a moment I’d like to focus on right after that.

When Mag is betrayed (and yes, I think being murdered by a person you love counts as a fairly solid betrayal), he’s not bitter or hateful.

MAG: (WITH LOVE AND DISAPPOINTMENT) Oh, Peter… oh, my boy…

He loves Peter to the end. Being stabbed to death didn’t change that in the slightest. And keep in mind that this is the man who raised Peter. He left an imprint on him. And a lot of the ways he’s going to react to the world are echoed in the ways Peter does. And you can see it literally in the next line:

NUREYEV: (A MOMENT, THEN HE SOBS) Mag, oh, Mag, Mag…

Being lied to his whole life and being manipulated into potentially murdering thousands of people wasn’t enough to make him stop loving Mag, either. 

Afterward, he’s somewhat functional. Somewhat. 

(BABBLING – COMPLETELY EMOTIONALLY WRECKED) There. It’s fixed. All… fixed… (PAUSE. HE ALMOST BREAKS) No. Alright. You have to do something, Peter. You have to do something. But… what? What the hell do I do?

The thing that saves him in the end is slipping into a new persona-- in this case, that of the dashing rogue we know and love. I think that the whole scenario gives us a fairly solid blueprint for how he’s going to react the next time we see him.

My predictions

The degree to which Juno leaving fucked him up is inversely proportional to how much he expected Juno to leave him.

He’s not going to come back to Mars willingly. If he comes back at all, it’ll be because he has no other choice.

He’ll be furious with Juno, but that won’t change the fact that he’s head over heels for the guy

He’ll probably be thoroughly entrenched in a new persona-- one that he thinks Juno won’t be able to hurt.

He’s not going to trust Juno at all after this, and it’ll take a lot of work on Juno’s part to earn that trust back.