#today i’m just caught up in the bad scary emotions..

[1ovestay]

oooo the melancholy is strong tonight….

[whimsyprinx]

it’s actually funny how I can never actually be happy because all the things that make people happy put me on edge, including being happy

[muffinpink02]

Bronze Is Better Then Gold Part 4

Warnings - smut 18

“Right, it's only a small cut. I’ll give it a clean, just to be safe.” Lauren H said, as she opened up the medic bag.

“Thank you.” Ona sighed. 

“This might sting.” 

“It's fine- oww! That hurts.” Ona scowled. 

Lauren laughed. “I did say it was going to hurt.” 

Lucy walked over to the pair, a look on her face that Ona didn't like. 

“The boss wants to talk to us.” Lucy looked between her and Lauren.

Ona let out a sigh, forgetting about the sting of the alcohol on her cut. “Shit.”

Lauren packed away the medical bag. “You’re all done. Good luck guys.” She scurried away.

Lucy drove them back to the office. She looked over at the younger brunette, she looked more scared now then she did on the bridge. “Don’t stress too much. She's just going to be a bit pissed, but it's not going to be that bad. Trust me, I’ve done worse.” 

Ona looked over at Lucy, a small smile crept on her face. “You sure?”

Lucy scrunched up her face and waved her hand. “Pssh yeah, she's a pussy cat.” 

They drove the rest of the way in silence but it didn’t feel strained or awkward, it was needed after what just happened, it was comfortable like it was before. 

Sarina wasn't a pussy cat, but she wasn't as angry as Lucy thought she'd be either. 

“What were you thinking, Ona? No, don't answer that, I don't want to know. I’ll tell you what you were thinking. Nothing! Nothing smart could have gone through your head when you decided to run off and chase an extremely dangerous criminal without your partner, without any backup. You didn't even have your gun! It was the most irresponsible thing an agent could do, and you did it. I expected better from you, Ona.”

Ona hung her head. “I’m sorry.”

“She just didn't want him to get away, mam. if it makes you feel any better she did a number on his face.” Lucy chuckled lightly.

Sarina now had her attention on Lucy who was standing next to Ona. 

“Don’t you start. Don't think I haven’t noticed a shift in you. I don’t know what's going on with the pair of you but I want it sorted.”

The girls shifted awkwardly on their spots.

Sarina sighed. “Leave.”

The girls left. Neither looking back. 

The thing is, Ona wouldn't tell you this, but she had run after Slims in some small hope that Lucy would talk to her again, to even have her look at her for longer than 5 seconds. It was also out of instinct but in the back of her mind she was hoping if she caught Slims, Lucy might want to be her friend again. She knew it was silly but she was desperate. But, she probably did the reverse, and made Lucy even more angry with her.

Only if she knew that when Lucy had got home that night she broke down crying the moment she closed her door. The older brunette didn't get further than her hallway when she felt the hot tears streaming down her face.

A rush of emotions hit her hard. Seeing Ona in danger like she did today was a complete shock to the system. Lucy had felt completely helpless, seeing the younger girl trapped like she did, the pain she was in, and she couldn't do anything to protect her. It was one of the scariest positions she’d ever been in, and that’s coming from someone who has had several guns pointing at her. Not all at once of course, but the girl had been in life threatening situations. But this was scary, and it was scary because it was Ona. 

And she should know better, this wasn't the first time she had been in a situation of losing someone close to her. She was just thankful history hadn’t repeated itself. 

That's when she sobbed harder as she thought about how she had treated the younger girl this last month. How horrible she had been to her, hardly talking to her, being so fucking cold towards her, how selfish she had been. If she had lost Ona today she would never have forgiven herself. She knew she was handling the situation badly, and this was a wake up call.

The thought alone at losing Ona in any way frightened her deeply. She realised if Ona wanted her as just a friend then she was lucky enough to have that. Even if she did want her as so much more. 

She knew she needed to fix things.

She took herself to shower, washing her puffy face, her head was banging from all of her crying. She took a deep breath as she washed the day away. She made her way to her bedroom and looked at her phone, she began to type.

Lucy - Hey, can I pick you up tomorrow?

Ona was drying her hair when she got the text from the older brunette. Like Lucy, she had tried to wash the stressful day off herself, especially her hair. She was shocked to see a text from the older brunette. And when she read it she was even more shocked and slightly confused. Why did she want to pick her up? She was annoyed at how her stomach fluttered, she did still like Lucy after all. But those butterflies died quickly, she assumed Lucy was probably going to give her a hard time about her actions, tell her how foolish it was to run off without her partner. She dried the rest of her hair before she replied.

Ona - Sure, I’ll see you then

Lucy smiled, it wasn't like their texts before, but it was a start.

—-------------

Lucy pulled up in her spot where she would always park, she smiled when she saw the shorter girl sitting at her usual spot on the wall. The northerners' hands were sweating, she really hoped it wasn't too late to make things up with Ona.

The Spaniard took a deep breath as she approached the car, she braced herself to be scolded by Lucy. She kind of regretted agreeing to this, was it too late to run back to her flat? Ona sat in the passenger seat, looking over at Lucy with a timid smile, she was understandably nervous. Lucy had been nothing but weird with her, and frankly rude, she was unsure what she could have wanted.

Lucy smiled a little awkwardly at the younger brunette, she could tell the Spaniard was confused and maybe even a bit scared. Ona wasn’t really herself around her anymore, it broke her heart to see, but she knew it was her own fault. 

“Morning.” Lucy smiled.

“Good morning.” Ona breathed out.

Nearly 10 seconds had passed, Lucy was struggling to find the words that she had practised all last night.

“Ona, I...,” - “So..,” Both girls spoke over the other, making them nervously laugh. 

Lucy took a deep breath.

“Ona, I don’t really know where to start. I’m sorry for being such a dick. I know I’ve been weird this last month. I was just going through some personal stuff and it’s no excuse but it got in the way of my work and affected my relationship with you. And I regret it. I’m really sorry.” She breathed out. “I fucked up, but I really hope I can be your friend again. And if you don’t want that, I understand.” 

Well, Ona wasn't expecting that. Was she happy to hear Lucy apologise? Yes, but she couldn't help but wonder, why? Why did Lucy act that way? They were so close before, close in many ways. She wanted to ask what Lucy meant with ‘personal stuff.’ but she didn't want to rock the boat, this was already a surprise. And a happy surprise at that, Ona wasn't one for holding grudges, even though Ona was young she was just a little more mature than some people her age, and maybe older. 

Ona looked at Lucy, doing that thing where she could see into her soul, her big brown chocolate eyes looking right at her. 

She smiled brightly. “Sí, you were a dick, but It’s okay, these things happen. I would really like to go back to how we were, friends.” 

They both said the word loud and clear ‘friend’, the pair flinching at the fact that they both had said it. But that's what this relationship was now, and always had been. Friends.

“I err, also got you some fresh coffee and some fresh chocolate chip muffins.” Lucy held up the bag smiling gingerly. 

Ona chuckled sweetly. “Okay, that makes it a little better.” 

Lucy felt a little tension leave her shoulders as she passed Ona over her coffee, it may not be perfect but was a start.

—-------------

“Do we have to listen to Christmas music everyday? Mariah Carey is getting on my nerves.” Lucy covered her face in annoyance. 

“Get a grip Bronze, it happens every year. Stop being a grinch!” Jess shouted across the room, laughing with Lauren H.

It was the second week of December, Ona eyed up the newly hung Christmas decorations around the office. She couldn't keep the smile off her face, the Spaniard loved Christmas, it was her favourite time of year.

She loved the music, the food, the gifts, the drinks, the cheesy Christmas movies, but most of all she loved that it was an excuse to be with your loved ones. Though some years were hard, not being able to share it with her family. Her fondest memories was when she was a child, herself and her brother used to try and keep each other awake to spot Father Christmas, though they never did. 

The first year Ona arrived in London she had spent Christmas alone. She had hoped to get a call or card from her parents but they never did. She tried to call, but they didn't answer when they saw it was her number. Her brother called her secretly, but that only hurt her more.

Her friend's face timed her throughout the day, but she insisted they spent the day with their families, not wanting to bother them. So, she spent Christmas alone, she even went into the new years alone.

She had never cried so much in her life. It hurt her, not being able to be with the people she loved, but her parents didn’t want anything to do with her, even if it was Christmas. 

But, since her friends moved to London she had spent every Christmas, New Years and everything in between with them. They would make their traditional festive food, play their music, and partake in the traditions they did when they were children. So, for Ona, Christmas was still a holiday she loved, even if she couldnt spend it with her blood family, she spent it with the family she chose.

Ona and Lucy were watching Jill, Demi and Jordan decorate the Christmas tree. Well, it was more Jill telling the others that they were doing it wrong, moving a bauble every time they placed it on a branch. 

“No! What are you doing? It’s already too crowded down there. Giss it here, you obviously can't reach higher than half way up. Yous put all the decorations at the bottom. No. Jordan don’t hit. You know I’ll have you on the floor.” Jill laughed.

Ona and Lucy chuckled at the show in front of them. “Would Jill really be able to beat Jordan?” Ona asked.

Lucy scoffed. “Not a chance, Jill knows it too.” 

Ona watched on. “Hmm. Tea?” 

“I’ll do it, you made tea last.” Lucy got up and made her way to the kitchen.

Since Lucy apologised just over a week ago she had been trying her best to make it up to Ona. They started going for lunch again, they even went back to the chip shop, Lucy brought Ona on her first week. The texts came back, but they weren't as often, though that was kind of expected.

Lucy even got Ona to agree on taking lifts with her again, but it wasn’t hard, it was December and cold. And yeah, it was still the Spaniards favourite part of the day. But Lucy didn’t need to know that.

It quickly went back to how it was between them, but the flirting had stopped. Well, kind of. Sometimes it had a way of creeping itself in, but neither girl minded, they would laugh it off and change the subject.

It wasn't too different, just a lot less tension. Well, it was a different kind of tension, but neither girl could really understand what it was, it was just…new.

Did Ona get butterflies every morning she got in Lucy's car when the brunette gave her that smile that she loved? Yes. Did Lucy find herself completely mesmerised by Ona when she stuck her tongue out in contraction when she was making notes on her laptop? Yes.

Did they still have feelings for each other? Yes. Did they want more than to be friends? Yes. Did they have the guts to be honest with each other and tell the other how they feel? No. It was complicated.

—-----

“As most of you know, yesterday Harvey Smith or ‘Bugz’ was sentenced to 20 years in prison, with no chance of parole. We also managed to track down most of the members that were involved in working for the Smith brothers, they were sentenced to 10 years. So that's the good news” 

Lucy looked at the white board with all the criminals' faces plastered on it. She continued. 

“Frank Smith's body hasn't been retrieved from the river, we understand the river does lead out to the Thames so it's more than likely it may possibly never be retrieved. The case will be officially closed once the last bits of paper work are complete. Jordan, I'm looking at you.” 

“Will be done by Wednesday, boss.” She nodded.

Lucy smiled. “Okay great, well done guys. This case was an intense one, but you've all done amazing. So, thank you and well done. We’ll start work on the ‘Green’ case next week. I know Hempo’s already got many leads on that. Anyways it's Friday, it's half 4. Rose and Crown it is.”

The group clapped and cheered on closing a case, and of course the mention of the pub. But mostly for putting criminals behind bars. An hour and a half  later most of the team was in the pub. Ona was listening to Demi and Mary argue about what the best Christmas film was when she got a text on the group message. 

Alexia - hey guys, I just wanted to let you know i'm going home this christmas, my mum is getting angry with me for not going, will be gone till after new years. I’m sorry 🙁 Ona my mums asked for you to come.

Mapi - I was going to tell you guys tonight but ingrid has asked me to go with her to Norway for christmas and new years to meet her family, I said yes and we bought tickets already 

Ona felt her heart sink. She felt stupid for it but her eyes started to well up. The thought of spending this Christmas alone really wasn't something she wanted. Even though Alexia had asked her to come she wouldn't accept the offer. Her parents lived a road away from Alexia's parents, she would never chance bumping into them. It would hurt too much knowing they would ignore her if they saw her.

She quickly excused herself and ran to the bathroom, she could feel the tears just about to overflow. She opened the door and crashed into a hard body. 

“I-I’m sorry. I wasn't looking. Oh. Lucy.”

Lucy smiled but it instantly dropped when she saw Ona’s face, her beautiful brown eyes welling up with tears.

“Woah, what's wrong?” She gently put her hand on Ona’s shoulder.

You know when you're already about to cry and you're holding it in as much as you physically can, but someone asks ‘what's wrong?’ and the flood gates open up? Yeah, that's exactly what happened to Ona. She felt the first tear slip, then another, until her cheeks were wet. 

“Oh Ona, what happened? Talk to me.” 

Lucy felt her heart break seeing the younger girl like this. She didn't think about her next move; she just did it. She brought Ona close to her chest. Pulling her into a tight hug. She felt so small in her arms, so vulnerable.

She was the perfect height to fit under Lucy's chin, that's when she felt her body shake from the small sobs. She hugged her even tighter, rubbing her hands up and down Ona’s back in the most gentle motion. 

Maybe it was because of the drink in her system, or the horrible memories she had of her first year here, that she never thought she'd have to experience again, or the fact that she was in Lucy's arms.

When Ona let go, she cried and sobbed. She just needed a little comfort. She needed this so badly. And Lucy was more than happy to let her cry into her chest for as long as she needed.

After about 5 minutes of crying Ona took a deep breath and pulled back, she saw the wet patch she left on Lucy's shirt. 

“Oh, sorry Lucy.” She pointed to the dark patches. 

Lucy looked down at her top and smiled. “It's not the first time a girl got me wet.” 

Ona laughed through wet eyes, only Lucy would say something like that while Ona had just been sobbing. She just wanted to make her laugh and she did. Ona had to shake the inappropriate thoughts from her head.

“What's wrong, Ona?” Lucy grabbed the shorter girl's shoulders, her serious face was now on. 

“It's so stupid, I don't even know why I’m crying like this.” She sniffled. “My friends aren't going to be here for christmas and new years. So, I'll be alone. And….yeah, its stupid.” She shook her head at herself as she wiped her tears. 

“That's not stupid. It makes complete sense why you’d be upset.”

Lucy didn’t know if it was the drink, or the way her heart broke for the petite girl in front of her, or the fact that she wanted to spend any moment she could with Ona, that her next words came out. “Spend it with me.” 

Ona looked up at the older brunette. “What?”

“Yeah, I’m staying with my parents for Christmas. Come with me.” She smiled brightly.

“I couldn't do that.” Ona lied, she could definitely do that.

“Yeah you could. It will be fun. I also have a party I’ve been invited to for new years, you could come with me. Or if you’re not into that we can just spend it together.” 

She wanted that so badly. 

Ona felt her heart pounding. Was this really happening? Her emotions were all over the place. One minute she was a mess of tears, now she could run through the pub and do summersaults. Don’t get her wrong she was sad about her friends not being here for Christmas, but spending any time with Lucy was still something she wanted everyday. 

“I can see a smile creeping on your face. You'll come, yeah?” 

Ona wanted to argue more, she wanted to say no. But she couldn’t bring herself to, she wanted nothing more than to be with Lucy. So what was the point of lying?

Ona nodded, a shy smile plastered her lips. She really hoped Lucy wanted her to come and it wasn't just out of pity. But the smile Lucy gave Ona made those feelings melt away. 

“Good, it's settled, you're coming to mine for Christmas. I’ll be driving, it's a 4 hour drive, you better be a good DJ.” 

Ona threw her head back laughing, that laugh always did something to Lucy. 

“You know I have the better music taste.” Ona teased. 

“Yeah, yeah. Just no Christmas music.” Lucy playfully rolled her eyes.

A silence fell over them, both not knowing what to say, but wanting to say so much. 

“Thank you, Lucy.” Ona wiped her nose.

“You don't need to thank me. It will be fun. I’m going to the bar, what do you want to drink?” 

“Ah, an aperol spritz?” 

Lucy shook her head, smiling. “I don’t know how you drink that. It tastes like petrol.”

The Spaniard laughed. “You just don’t have taste.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Lucy squeezed Ona’s arm as she started to leave for the bar. “You okay, yeah?” 

“Yeah, thank you.” Ona smiled. 

The older brunette made her way to the bar, she couldn't hold back the smile on her face. Did that really just happen? Was she really going to be spending Christmas with Ona? She felt giddy, like a kid on Christmas day. She waited to be served, when she felt someone beside her.

“Hey Lucy.”

“Hi Jen.” Lucy gave her a tight smile.

“Aye, listen I’m sorry about Ona, I didn't know you two were a thing at the time. I wouldn't have said what I said,”

“We’re not a thing.” Lucy finally looked at Jen. 

“Oh? Could have fooled me.”

“What?” 

Jen chuckled. “Come on. I’ve seen you two around. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. And you her.”  

“We’re just friends. Partners. We have to be close.” 

“Aye, yeah, friends.” The Scottish women winked at Lucy. 

“We are just friends. I thought you two were a thing.” 

Jen scoffed. “Are you blind? She likes you. I should've realised when I spoke to her at your birthday. The girl wouldn't stop talking about you.” Jen rolled her eyes playfully. 

“I don’t thi-,” 

“Luce. Come on. She was looking around for you all night at the bar. Asking everyone if they had seen you.” She scoffed again, shaking her head. Whispering the next words. “I tried to dance with her. She thought I was you.” 

“What?” 

Jen rolled her eyes. “This is hurting my ego enough.” She sighed. “I tried to dance with her, and I thought she was into it, until she basically pushed me away after she realised it was me dancing with her. I swear she said your name, thinking I was you.” 

Lucy felt her heart sink. Realisation finally kicking in. 

Jen continued “So yeah. The girl likes you. I thought you were kind of a thing now? Are you not?” Jen looked confused.

“No.” 

“Pshh mate.” Jen put her hand on Lucy's shoulder and shook her head in disbelief. “Anyways, I’ve said enough. Enjoy your night.” 

“Y-yeah, thanks. You too.” 

Lucy let out a deep sigh, shaking her head in disbelief. She felt a weird excited but dreaded feeling in her stomach. Had she really messed up this badly? If Ona did actually like her, she had obviously ruined anything that could have potentially happened between them. Or had she? She did just invite her to have Christmas with her family, and Ona said yes. A quick yes. But, as friends. But? No. Maybe? Maybe there was a chance. 

-----------

Ona was sat on the wall waiting for Lucy to pick her up. It was the morning of Christmas Eve. Ona would be lying if she didn't say she was nervous, only 3 weeks ago herself and Lucy wasn't even speaking, now she was spending Christmas with her and her family. Talk about your turn of events.

Lucy pulled up beeping her horn at Ona, smiling when the girl shook her head at her silliness. Ona wasn't the only one that was nervous. When Lucy asked her to spend Christmas with her and her family, she wasn't actually thinking about what that could mean. She was also maybe a little tipsy when she asked, so she hadn’t thought about the implications of her question, but it didn't make her any less excited that Ona said yes. 

Lucy got out of the car, helping Ona with her bag and what looked like a bag with gifts. 

“Hola, good morning.” Ona smiled.

“Good morning. Here, let's put that in the boot.” She lifted up a bag spotting the wrapping paper. “Ona you didn't have to get any gifts.” Lucy complained.

“What? Don’t be stupid. It's Christmas, of course I have gifts.” She argued.

“Well, thank you but you really shouldn't have.” Lucy shook her head smiling at Ona’s thoughtfulness.

Ona playfully rolled her eyes at the older girl. The pair got into the car and made their way up North. 

The first hour they spoke non stop, it was so easy. They could speak about anything and everything. The second hour they listened to music, Lucy even put on some christmas songs after Ona pouted and gave her puppy dog eyes. By the third hour they played games, like ‘eye spy', ‘21 questions', and ‘would you rather?’ By the fourth hour Lucy noticed Ona’s eyes dropping. Another five minutes and the girl was sleeping quietly next to her.

Lucy couldn't help but steal glances at the younger brunette, her face was so soft. She looked incredibly peaceful. She looked beautiful. 20 minutes before they arrived Lucy woke Ona up, she really didn't want to disturb her but she also thought Ona would want to wake up a little before they arrived.

“Ona. Ona, wake up. Come on, sleepy head.” Lucy gently nudged her.

Ona slowly opened her eyes. She looked confused at first but smiled when she saw Lucy. 

“We’re nearly there.” 

“Sorry Lucy. I didn't mean to sleep for so long.” Ona stretched.

“No, I don’t mind.”

They finally arrived. Lucy turned the engine off and turned to the shorter girl.

“Right, like I said my mum can chat for britain. Just smile and nod. My brother is a dick and is always teasing. His wife Molly is normal, you'll get on with her, maybe.” She smiled cheekily at Ona. “My dad just pots about, he doesn't really get in anyone's way.” 

“Aye, come on, I'll be fine.” 

“Yeah, you will. If anything becomes too much or you just want some of your own space, or just need a break. Please give me a signal. It can be a lot with your own family on Christmas, let alone someone else's.”

Ona gave Lucy a deadpan look. “Lucy, come on.” 

“No, you come on. Give me a signal.” 

Ona scooped Lucy’s little finger with her own. Bringing it in between them. “This okay?”

Lucy's heart skipped a beat. It wasn't an intimate touch, not at all, but it felt special. It felt familiar. Lucy smiled. “Okay, that's good.” 

Ona smiled, she didn't think about what she was doing when she grabbed Lucy's finger. She felt stupid for it but she felt a weird spark, a shiver that travelled through her. But she couldn't help but notice how natural it felt to touch Lucy, even though it was a small piece of her, she liked it a lot.

The girls grabbed their bags and made their way to Lucy's childhood home. The taller brunette knocked on the door and turned to Ona and mouthed ‘Good luck.’

The door opened to an older looking Lucy, Ona recognised Lucy's mum from the face time they had back on Lucy's birthday.

“Oh Ona! It's so lovely to finally meet you!” Lucy's mum side stepped Lucy completely,  engulfing Ona in a rib breaking hug. 

Ona smiled at the older woman, she embraced her hug easily. It had been a while since she had this type of hug, a mothers hug. She instantly felt the warmth from her, it was nice, it was something she had missed for years. 

“It's so nice to finally meet you. Thank you for having me.” Ona tried to not struggle from the squeeze of Lucy's mum.

Lucy's mum finally let go. “Don’t be silly. I’m so happy to have you here.” She held Ona by her arms stroking her lovingly. 

“No you’re alright, I didn't just drive four hours to be ignored.” Lucy said with a deadpan stare at her mum.

“Oh Lucy calm down, I speak to you all the time. She's so moody isn't she Ona? Lord knows what it's like to work with her. Come on then, give me a cuddle.” Lucy didn't have time to argue, before she was being squashed by her mum's bear-like grip.

Ona smiled at the pair's banter. 

“Come in girls. Get your bags upstairs. Ona what would you like to drink sweetheart? Tea, coffee? Prosecco? I've already opened a bottle.” 

“Oh, I’m okay for now, thank you. But I do have some cinamon rolls for you."

The older women's face lit up. "Oh Ona. Thank you! You shouldn't have, you angle!"

Ona passed the fresh baked goods over. Lucy's mum smiled as she took them. "Such a sweet girl."

Ona’s mum smiled warmly at her. “You let me know if you want anything, don't be scared to ask. Lucy, can you get the games out of the attic please. I can’t reach. John come and say hello to your daughter and Ona. Stop watching that pokie show!” Lucy's mum walked off.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “Come, we'll take these upstairs. You can see my teenage room.” 

Before the girls could move Lucy's mum came back. “Oh Lucy, just so you know you and Ona will have to share your room. We’ve turned your sister's room into a home gym. She doesn't need it living in Australia now. I do my Davina Mcall workout in there every morning. I've lost 5 pounds already!” 

“Erm, okay no problem. Do we still have the blow up bed?” 

“No, your dad popped it when we had some friends round. Had to throw it away. You've got a double bed in your room, you can surely share.”

Lucy looked like a deer in headlights. Her and Ona were going to share a bed in her teenage bedroom? Her teenage self would be fisting the air right now. All three of the women heard Lucy's dad shout something in the background.

“What John? No, I don't know where the tape measurer is. What do you need that for?” And the older woman was gone again.

“Okay, looks like we’re bunking together. Do you mind?” Lucy started to walk up the stairs.

“No, not at all.” Ona smiled. She didn’t mind one bit.

Lucy opened the door to her old bedroom. Things had obviously changed a bit since it was her room, but her mum had kept some of her old posters and football trophies up. 

Ona smiled as she looked at the posters, some looked to have signatures on them. “You liked football huh?” 

“Still do.” Lucy came up behind her. 

“You can play?” Ona picked up one of the old trophies.

“I can. I’m really good.” Lucy said with a cocky smile on her face. 

“Not as good as me though.” A deep voice made them both jump.

Ona turned to see a young man standing in the doorway, he had familiar features to Lucy but only slight. “Hi, you must be the famous Ona. I’m Kevin.” He smiled. That's when Ona saw the resemblance.  

“Hello Kevin, it's lovely to meet you.” Ona smiled.

“She showing off again? She does that a lot.” Kevin smiled playfully.

“I apologise in advance, Ona.” Lucy moved over to hug her brother but was caught in a headlock that she easily got out of after punching her brother right in the chest. 

Ona giggled at the sister and brother relationship. It wasn't too far off her own relationship with her brother, when she had still lived in Spain.

“Auntie Lucy!” A smaller voice joined the commotion.

Ona watched as the little raven haired girl grasped on to Lucy's leg. “Hey, Rudy!” Lucy grabbed the girl and brought her into a hug. “How's my favourite niece?” 

The little girl laughed. “I’m your only niece.”

Lucy kissed her cheek. “Hey Ruds, come say hi to my friend Ona.”

For some reason Ona felt nervous, of all the people she wanted to make a good impression on it was Lucy's niece. She knew Lucy adored the girl, so this was important to her. The little girl nodded suddenly, becoming a little shy. Lucy walked them over to Ona. The Spaniard then noticed Rudy looked like a younger version of Lucy. The resemblance was uncanny. 

“Hello Rudy, I’m Ona.” Ona gave Rudy a small wave. 

“Hello Ona.” The girl tucked her head into Lucy's neck, keeping her eyes on Ona.

“I like your shoes. I've got some just like yours. But I like the colours on yours more.” Ona tapped the girl's shoes. 

“Auntie Lucy got them for me.” She said proudly, smiling at the Spaniard.

“Oh did she? She has good taste.” Ona smiled.

“Yeah. I want juice.” The younger girl escaped from Lucy's arms and ran out of the room. Leaving the two women alone.

“She’s so cute.” 

“Yeah. When she’s not being a brat.” Lucy laughed.

An awkward silence fell over the pair. Ona eyed up the double bed, then back to the posters. “Do you play now?” 

Lucy looked at the posters. “Now and again. I have a team I play on a Sunday with. I played a lot more when I was younger. I nearly went to America to train, but I injured my knee when I was 17. Couldn’t play the same for years after that.” Lucy looked thoughtful.

“Oh. That's awful, I'm sorry Lucy.” 

“Ahh doesn't matter. I doubt I would’ve made it.” Lucy shrugged. 

“Lucy! Ona! Come down, I’ve got the baby album out!” Lucy's mum shouted from downstairs.

The older brunette's eyes closed in frustration. 

“Coming!” Ona smiled wickedly at Lucy. She grabbed Lucy's hand pulling her out the room. “I can’t wait for this.” 

Even though Lucy was just a shade lighter than a tomato she didn't hate the feeling of Ona’s hand in hers. 

—----

“Oh and that’s Lucy on her 5th birthday. It was a football party, of course.”  Lucy’s mum pointed and smiled at the younger Lucy.

“And here’s Lucy having a bath. I’ll tell you what Ona that girl could never keep her clothes on. I’d have to keep an eye on her constantly. She always wanted to be in the nude.” Lucy's mum laughed.

“Mum!” Lucy was a beetroot colour now.

“What? Don’t be embarrassed, you were only a baby.” 

Ona couldn't hold back the laugh as Lucy's mum nudged her arm, laughing with her.

“Okay! I need a drink. Ona? Drink?” Lucy stood up.

“Good idea Lucy, bring the bottle in.” Lucy’s mum said without turning around.

Lucy shook her head, but couldn’t help but smile when she saw Ona getting on with her mum. 

The day went quick. Lucy hardly got to speak to Ona as she was pulled from pillar to post from each family member, even her dad joined in on the fun. The girl had slotted into the family so easily, she got on with everyone, it made Lucy feel at ease. Once Rudy was put to bed Lucy and Ona helped with putting the Christmas presents under the tree. 

That's when Lucy felt the warm skin of Ona’s little finger wrapping around her own. She looked up to see big brown eyes on hers, and a slightly tired smile on her face. Lucy didn't have to say anything, she could read Ona’s face. 

“Mum, we’re heading up.” 

“Okay. We’ll be up in a bit. Lucy, make sure to be a good host and give Ona anything she needs.”

Keven couldn't hold in his laugh on the other side of the room, his wife hitting him quickly. Lucy shot daggers at her immature brother. The girls said their good nights and made their way upstairs. Lucy closed the door behind her as they entered her room.

“You okay?” 

“Sí, sorry I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.” 

“No, that's okay. I’m tired too. I'll grab us towels so we can shower.

—----------

“Okay, so that tap can be a bit temperamental, I’ll put it on for you so you don’t struggle.” 

“Thank you, Luce.” 

They waited in silence for the water to warm up. It was a small bathroom, Lucy could feel Ona right next to her, every so often she could feel her arm accidentally touch her own. She hoped the younger brunette didn’t notice the hairs on her arm stand up or the goosebumps that took over her skin from a simple touch. 

She could feel the Spaniards eyes on her, but she kept her eyes on the running water or anywhere that wasn’t at Ona. She couldn't believe how nervous she felt. Once she was happy with the temperature she left the girl to shower. 

“Okay, that should be good. If you need anything let me know, I’ll be right in. I mean, I w-wont come in obviously. Like, I can…I’ll help with what I can. Without coming in, cos you'll be naked.” 

Ona couldn't hold back the smirk on her face. This may have been the first time she had seen Lucy shy, or tongue tied. Was it cute? Yes! Did she almost reach up to kiss her to stop her stuttering? Almost.

“Don’t worry. I’ll call if I need you.” Ona smiled playfully.

The older brunette chuckled awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck. God, what's wrong with you?

“Right. Good. Let me get out of your way.”

Lucy squeezed by Ona, apologising as her body pressed against hers as she did. She was so close she could smell Ona’s shampoo. The coconut one, the one she liked. 

“Thank you Luce.” 

Lucy let out a deep sigh. She didn't regret asking Ona to come here for Christmas but she didn't realise how hard it was going to be. She wanted the girl. Badly. And having her here was only increasing her feelings. Seeing how easily she slotted in with her family increased it. Singing stupid Christmas songs in the 4 hour car journey increased it. Just having Ona by her side increased it. 

Lucy scrolled on her phone sitting on her bed as she waited for Ona to finish in the shower. When the bathroom door opened she nearly forgot how to breathe. She may have pictured Ona like this a few times. No, a lot of times. But this was the real thing, now she was actually in front of her. She came out in her towel, water droplets dripped down her milky skin. The baby hair on the back of her neck curled from the heat of the shower. Her freckled cheeks flushed a hot pink from the heat. Fuck. This was going to be difficult.

“Done. Thank you.” Ona smiled sitting down on the other side of the bed. 

Lucy swallowed on her dry throat. “Great, erm….Yeah, okay.” 

She kept her eyes down as she made her way to the bathroom. She undressed and got in the shower. She closed her eyes and let out another deep sigh as the hot water ran down her skin. She tried to rid herself of her dirty thoughts, but she couldn't stop the images of a naked Ona in her room. She tried to push them away but it only got worse when the memory of Ona underneath her rushed into her thoughts.

She could feel the start of a small throbbing sensation between her legs. Her hand started to creep down her stomach as she remembered the way Ona panted and thrusted beneath her. The way Ona’s brown eyes looked up at her as she bit her lip, the moans the girl let out as she squirmed underneath her. Before Lucy realised what she was doing her hand was between her legs touching her clit. 

It wasn't the first time she had thought about Ona like this, she was a regular occurrence in Lucy's late night fantasies. But she couldn't do this now, not with Ona right next door, it felt wrong, seedy almost. She moved her hand away, but not without noticing the shiny essence on her finger tips. 

This was going to be a long two nights. 

Lucy let out another sigh. In her rush to the bathroom she had left her pyjamas on the bed. She was going to have to change in front of Ona. Fuck sake. She opened the door to see Ona already tucked up in bed. Her long hair was down, like that night at the bar. Her sleepy eyes caught Lucy, sending her a cute smile. But that cute smile dropped quickly when her dark eyes roamed the older brunette's wet body.

Just like Lucy, Ona had pictured very similar situations with the girl in front of her half naked. But in her dirty thoughts she was fully naked. And just like Lucy, Ona had the older brunette constantly on her mind whenever she had her hand between her legs. Picturing the older girl in many different situations. She was doing it right now, even with Lucy in front of her, she couldn't help it. It wasn't until she heard Lucy's voice that she was brought out of her dirty day dream.

“Ona? Do you mind if I change?” Lucy asked. 

“Huh? Sorry, what?” Ona didn’t realise she was staring.

Lucy couldn't stop the smile. A knowing smile. “I’m just going to change. Is that okay?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I won't look. I promise.” She let out a small nervous chuckle. “I’m on my phone.” Ona quickly glanced back at her phone, wanting to give her host some privacy. She did a good job at first, scrolling aimsley on her insta feed. She was concentrating hard to not let her eyes go any further, though she may have glanced up once or twice at the girl. 

Lucy wasn’t facing her, Ona could only see her back, her very muscular back. She looked at her phone, trying her best to not creep on her friend. But her eyes glanced up once more. Lucy had bottoms on already. She was just in time to see the older brunette putting her shirt over her head, catching her firm stomach as she turned back to Ona. She darted her eyes down quickly but of course Lucy caught her. 

Lucy slotted into the space next to Ona. The room suddenly felt like it had no air. 

“So, how has today been?” Lucy wanted to try and pop the hot bubble that was making her sweat. 

Ona looked up from her phone, she didn't even release, she was just looking at the weather app now, too focused on trying to regulate her breathing. 

“Amazing! Your family are so sweet. I’ve already had so much fun. I-I can't thank you enough, Lucy. It means a lot to me that you have welcomed me to celebrate with your family.”

“You’re more than welcome. They love you, you know? They weren't even this nice to any of my exes.” Lucy chuckled, until she realised how weird that sounded. Why was she putting Ona in the same sentence as her exes? Maybe because the next time she saw her family with Ona she wanted her to be more than her friend.

Ona smiled shyly, she didn't miss what Lucy said, but she didn't take it to heart. Clearly  Lucy didn't mean anything by it, she was just comparing. Yeah, it was a bit weird to be compared to her past lovers but Ona would just ignore the nervous feeling in her stomach at the thought of her family liking her more then her actual girlfriends. 

Lucy quickly changed the subject, asking Ona what Christmas was like back in Spain. The younger girl was more than happy to give Lucy a small history lesson on the traditions back home. It wasn't until Ona started to yawn that Lucy decided to call it a night. 

“Right you, let's get you to sleep. Got a big day tomorrow.” Lucy teased.

Ona rolled her eyes at the older girl, smiling as she tucked herself into the covers. Lucy rolled over and turned off the side light, immersing the pair into darkness. She made herself comfortable, as comfortable as she could. She could still feel the slight throbbing between her legs. Having Ona inches next to her did not help, especially when she felt the girl's hand glide up stomach as she moved around next to her. 

Her breath hitched in her throat as her body tensed up.

“Sorry.” Ona whispered.

“It's okay. If you wanted to cop a feel you could have just asked.” Lucy giggled.

“Idiota.” Ona chuckled back.

Half an hour later Ona was fast asleep, but the same couldn't be said for Lucy, she found herself staring at the ceiling, listening to Ona’s steady breathing. She tried to close her eyes and relax but her mind was on overdrive. 

She was thinking of all the ways she could tell Ona. Tell her the truth about why she was such a dick before. Tell her how much it killed her to not talk to her, why she ignored her texts, declined the lunches with her. Explain why she became so cold. Come clean about how Ona was the first and last thing that she thought about everyday since laying eyes on her. 

After an hour of her brain screaming at her, Lucy started to drift to sleep. But as soon as her mind started to calm it was woken back up. The shorter girl beside her shuffled in her sleep, capturing one of Lucy's thighs between her own. And even with the fabric as a barrier, Lucy instantly felt the unmistakable wetness that started to dampen through onto her own skin. 

And if that wasn't enough to send her brain into a complete overdrive, the girl ever so slightly began to grind her hips into Lucy's thigh. The smallest of whimpers escaped the Spaniard's lips as she unknowingly used Lucy's body for her own pleasure. The girl was clearly having a sex dream. Next to Lucy. In Lucy’s bed. And she could fucking feel it. 

“Fuck.” Lucy breathed out. 

Was this really happening? Should she wake the girl? No! She’d be mortified. Maybe if she tried to move her leg? But as soon as she did, Ona only got closer, pushing herself right up into Lucy. Her face was so close to her, she could still smell the mint from her toothpaste. Ona whimpered again, clearly finding a sweet spot in her new position, Lucy could feel the girl becoming wetter. Her own clit was throbbing.

She needed to put a stop to this, even though she really didn't mind Ona using her as her own sex toy. Just as she was about to fully move from Ona, she heard her own name being moaned. 

“Lucy.” Ona whispered. 

Lucy’s whole body stiffened. Was she hearing that right? Ona was saying her name? She was dreaming about Lucy. Her name was being moaned into her ear by the girl she was already wet over. Onas hips picked up a faster paste, her small moans making Lucy's skin heat up. She felt dizzy, she bit her lip trying to hold in her own groan. Ona’s wet fabric was sliding up her thigh, she could feel the warmth radiating from between her legs. 

Just as she was about to stop the shorter girl, she felt her body stiffen. She didn't make a sound. She held her breath. Ona let out a tiny sigh and her body relaxed again. Snuggling her face into Lucy’s shoulder. 

The older brunette couldn’t move. She swallowed the spit in her mouth like she was out of breath, how did that just happen? She couldn’t believe Ona had just used her to get off. Well, in her sleep. How did that just happen? Lucy was sweating, she could feel her clit crying to be touched. But she couldn't, and she wouldn't. She would have to wait until she got back home. 

Even though she didn’t want to move from Ona’s grip, she needed to get to the toilet. She removed herself from the girl and from the sheets, Ona was in an ignorance of bliss, sleeping soundly. Lucy went to the toilet, wiping away any of own essence. She couldn’t stop the smile when she saw the damp spot on her trousers from the girl in the other room. She splashed some cold water onto her face to try and calm herself down.

Lucy made her way back into bed, trying her best not to wake the girl next to her. She could still feel the heat between her own legs, ignoring as best as she could. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 

—------------

Ona was confused when she awoke, this wasn't her bed. Then the feeling of hot air on her neck tickled her, causing her to shiver. That's when she remembered she was at Lucys. She didn't realise a strong arm was wrapped around her body until it pulled her effortlessly closer, she could feel the warm body pressed up against her back, the strong arm locking her in. Lucy was holding her like she was her own teddy bear, their bodies pressed up against each other like lovers.

Ona was fully awake now, she could hear Lucy's shallow breathing, she was still asleep. Lucy's core was pressed right up against Onas’s arse, she could feel the heat coming from between the girls legs. It reminded her of her own dream last night, maybe she was still dreaming?

She couldn't stop the silent gasp as she felt Lucy pull her impossibly closer. She bit her lip, loving the feeling of the strong girl against her body. 

Did she do the responsible thing and move away from her friend? No. She gently counted her hips backwards, pushing her arse into Lucy, loving the way the older brunette's breath hitched in her sleep. Lucy nuzzled closer to her neck, her lips gently brushed the Spaniard's neck. Ona closed her eyes as she felt Lucy’s soft lips against her skin, she could feel her own body heating up, her nipples straining against her top.

That's when Lucy's phone alarm went off. Ona closed her eyes, pretending to still be asleep. She knew Lucys was probably going to freak out when she saw the position they were in. And like clock work she felt Lucy's body stiffen, she was clearly awake. Did it break Ona’s heart just slightly? Of course. But she couldn't feel like that for long, not when she felt Lucy's soft lips press a light kiss to her neck. 

She must still be dreaming. Did that just happen? Did Lucy just kiss her? Why? Why did she kiss her? What did that mean? She felt Lucy move away, her body suddenly felt cold. She then felt Lucy pat her back. 

“Ona. Wake up. It's Christmas!” 

Hearing Lucy's morning voice did something to Ona’s insides. Her accent sounded even thicker. If she didn't know the girl so well she’d probably find it hard to understand her morning mumbles.

Ona pretended to wake, she smiled and stretched her body. “Bon dia.” She turned around to face a very sleepy, cute looking Lucy. “Merry Christmas.” Ona yawned.

Lucy smiled and stretched. “How did you sleep?” She knew how the girl slept, but she wasn't about to reveal that.

“Good, thank you. You?” 

“Not too bad. You didn't take up too much room, so I can’t complain.” She smirked.

“I don’t get many complaints when sharing a bed with another woman.” Ona giggled. 

Lucy laughed out loud. “Yeah, I’m sure you don’t.”

This was a whole other layer being added to their relationship. It felt almost like how they were before, tip toeing on a fine line of friendship and flirting, the undertones of wanting each other was becoming more apparent. 

“It smells like breakfast is on.” Lucy stretched.

“Hmm, I can't wait.”

“Remember don’t force yourself to eat things, if you don't want anything just say so. My mums a feeder.” Lucy warned.

“Good thing I'm an eater.” Ona winked. 

Lucy chuckled. “Okay, you ready?” Lucy sat up.

“Sí, but can I give you your present now?”

Lucy’s face broke into a huge smile. “You got me a present?”

“Of course.” 

“I got you one too. I wasn't sure when to give it to you.” 

Now it was Ona’s turn to smile. She watched as Lucy got out the bed and made her way to her bag, Ona copied her movements, moving over to her own bag. Ona would be lying if she didn't say she was extremely excited that Lucy got her a present. She of course had a small slither of hope that she would, but she didn't actually think she would. She pulled out the gold box from her bag, hoping she got Lucy something she actually liked. 

Ona pulled out the neatly wrapped green and red papered package, with a red envelope on top. She smiled as she saw Lucy looking a little nervous on the other side of the room, she was holding a small gold wrapped box. 

“Merry Christmas, Lucy.” She stepped forward..

“Merry Christmas, Ona.” Lucy nervously smiled.

They exchanged their gifts. Ona opened the small golden box to find a blue jewellery box encased, she smiled as Lucy watched her. She gently opened the box to find a gold necklace with a gold smiley face attached to the chain. Ona’s eyes lit as eyed the gold chain, she couldn't stop her own smile on her face. She loved it. She looked up to see Lucy's nervous face.

“Lucy, I love it! Thank you so much!”

“Yeah? You sure? If you dont its okay.”

“What? No, I love it! Can you put it on me?” 

Lucy gave Ona a toothy smile. “Turn around.” 

Ona pushed her hair to the side to give Lucy space. She felt as Lucy's fingers skimmed her skin, making her shiver. Lucy didn't miss the way the younger girl's skin prickled with goosebumps from her touch. It brought back scenes from last night, making her own heart race, she tried to calm herself before her cheeks turned red.

Ona turned around, the gold chain shining on her neck.

“It suits you.” Lucy ran her eyes over the chain.

“Thank you. It's perfect.”

Ona noticed Lucy's face looked a little flush. “Open yours.”

Lucy opened the envelope first, it was a christmas card with a piece of paper inside. She skimmed her eyes over the writing, her eyes widened in surprise. She read it out loud. 

“The Big London Bake. You and your guest will have a day of eating, baking and of course a day of fun.” She licked her lips as she smiled back at Ona. “I have wanted to do this for the longest time! I can’t believe it, how did you know? How did you get tickets? They're always booked up.” 

“I know you like baking, and I have a friend who knows a friend.” Ona winked playfully.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am! Thank you so much! When do you wanna go?” 

“You don't have to bring me, I-,” 

Lucy cut her off. “There is no way I’m taking anyone else. Of course you’re coming.”

Ona looked at her feet as she smiled. “Open your other present.”

Lucy tore open the paper, smiling as soon as she saw it. It was a picture frame with a picture of Ona and Lucy laughing on stage at the karaoke bar. 

“I still don’t know why we’re doing this job and not forming a band.” Lucy chuckled. “I love it. Thank you, Ona.” 

The younger brunette giggled as she looked at the picture. Their relationship was definitely blurring now. Both girls could feel it. Feelings were growing, and both girls didn't stop it, they were letting it grow, pushing it to grow. 

—----------

“Merry Christmas girls!” Lucy's mum was cooking pancakes at the oven.

“Merry christmas!” The pair said in sync.

“Can I help with anything?” Ona walked over to Lucys mum.

“No my darling, you’re our guest. But thank you. You have a seat. Are you hungry? I’ve got lots to choose from. Lucy get Ona a tea, or is it coffee you like dear? Lucy put the kettle on.”

Lucy rolled her eyes at her mum. Ona giggled at their relationship, it was a typical mum and daughter relationship. She smiled as she watched Lucy's mum grab her cheek and lovingly smile at her daughter as she put the kettle on. 

“Ona my darling do you like pancakes?”

“I do.” 

“With chocolate chips?”

“Even better.” 

“Perfect. Got a fresh batch for you now. Do you like orange juice?” Lucy's mum brought the fresh batch of warm chocolate chip pancakes over to Ona. 

“Thank you so much. This looks amazing!” 

Lucy's mum smiled as she squeezed Ona’s shoulder in that mum type way. It was something she didn't realise she had missed so much. Lucy brought over a coffee for Ona, not needing to ask what she wanted, she knew that was her morning drink. 

“Where's Kevin? And dad?” Lucy asked as she sat down. Her mum placed a stack of pancakes in front of Lucy. 

“They all went for a walk. Rudy was up early, bouncing off the walls.” Her mum chuckled. 

The three chatted as they had their morning breakfast. Once they were done the girls had a shower and changed into their clothes. 

“Girls you ready? We have a very impatient 6 year old down here.”

“Okay, show time you ready?” Lucy smiled.

“Sí.” Ona smiled.

They made their way downstairs to open presents. That’s when Ona noticed the large Santa sacks under the tree that definitely weren't there last night. They had large gold initials stitched onto the red fabric. One had an L, a K, an M for Kevin's wife Molly, and then she spotted the sack with an O. She stopped in her tracks, Lucy bumping into her from behind. She felt her hand on her shoulder. 

“You okay?” Lucy looked concerned.

“Ah yeah, sorry.” 

“Come.” Lucy took Ona’s hand in hers and sat them down.

“Ona!” Rudy ran over to the Spanird a present in her hand. 

“Ona this is from me. Open it.” the mini version of Lucy demanded.

“Oh my. Thank you. Is it not from santa?” Ona chuckled.

“Not this one.” Rudy smiled cheekily.

“Oh, okay.” Ona smiled at Lucy as she opened the present.

It was a mug with ‘Top copper’ on it. 

Ona laughed. “I love it! Thank you so much, Rudy.” She opened her arms for the girl. Rudy jumped on her lap and tucked herself into the Spaniard's neck. Lucy grabbed her phone and quickly took a picture of the pair.  Rudey jumped off the girl and ran back over to her mum and dad, ready to open her presents. 

“Okay, present time.” Lucy’s mum passed over Ona and Lucy the heavy sacks.

“Th-thank you. You didn't have t-,”

Lucy's mum was quick to stop her. “No, I don't want to hear any of that.” She grabbed her cheek like she did Lucys and gave her a kiss on her head.

Ona couldn't believe it, she wasn't expecting any kind of gift from anyone, let alone a whole sack. She looked over at Lucy who was smiling at her, gesturing for her to open her sack. She untied the knot to find loads of wrapped up presents. She felt overwhelmed. She hadn't had anything like this before, not since she was a child. She reached in and began to open her presents alongside Lucy.

The list of items was long. She had opened a perfume set, face masks, nail varnish set, a baking cookbook, a candle, pjs set, a hot water bottle with an O stitched in, a hot chocolate set, a bath bomb set, bath soak, hand cream, chocolates, woolly socks, a £30.00 gift card, lip gloss and a beautiful brown leather notebook. Ona could feel the tears in her eyes. She quickly stood up and excused herself. 

Lucy and her mum looked at each other with worry. The older brunette quickly followed Ona out of the room to find her in the kitchen at the sink, a small tear was rolling down her face. 

“Hey, you okay? What's wrong?” Lucy stroked Ona’s arm.

“I’m so sorry. Nothing is wrong, it's just. Your family have been so nice to me. It's overwhelming. They have spoilt me.” She chuckled threw a tear. 

Lucy smiled, she rubbed the girl's arm and pulled her in for a hug, she understood. She knew Ona hadn't been with her own family in so long let alone for Christmas, she knew this holiday was difficult in many ways for the younger girl. Ona loved it, but it also brought weird feelings for her. She held the girl tight, rubbing her back soothingly. 

“Hey, It's okay, Ona. It can be a lot. It's a hard day for you. Don't apologise. I know my mum definitely goes over the top aswell.” She wiped away a tear from Ona’s cheek.

“Thank you, Luce. It's very generous, I just wasn't expecting it.” She looked up, Ona could feel her heart beating, Lucy's face was suddenly so close to hers, looking in her eyes so deeply. Like she was trying to read her mind, her green eyes searched her face, landing on her mouth. Ona stopped breathing. 

“Is Ona okay?” Lucy's mum walked into the kitchen.

Lucy took a step back from Ona, hearing her mum’s voice.

“Sí, I am. Sorry, I am just so happy. You’ve been so kind to me.” Ona smiled.

“Oh my darling!” Lucy's mum scooped Ona up in a hug, squeezing the girl tightly to her chest. “I’m glad their happy tears. I’m sorry if it was too much.” She stroked Ona’s cheek. 

“No, no! Not at all. You’ve been so welcoming. It’s so nice. Thank you so much for my gifts.” 

Lucy's mum smiled lovingly at her. “You’re welcome Ona. We’ve loved having you here. You’re welcome here anytime.”

Ona smiled, she had missed this. A mothers love. 

“Do you want tea, Ona?” Lucy asked. 

Ona nodded. “Thank you, Luce.” 

“Tea then we drink.” Lucy's mum winked.

Ona and Lucy chuckled, agreeing on the plan. 

The rest of Christmas day went perfectly. Everyone loved the presents Ona had got them. Christmas dinner was served and everything was cooked to perfection. Ona had sat next to Lucy, every so often their arms would brush but neither girl said anything. They all sat down to watch ‘The Grinch’. Ona would catch those familiar green eyes on her every half an hour, smiling at her everytime she caught her. She wondered if Lucy even watched the film.

Then the board games came out. Ona got to see first hand just how competitive Lucy was, it made her cry with laughter watching the older brunette and her brother argue over the games. Ona, Lucy and Rudy played football in the garden, Lucy's brother also joined in, and ended up in a headlock.

As it came closer to the evening a few neighbours came by for drinks, the music was blaring and everyone was having a good time. Ona found herself being spun around by one of Lucy's neighbours, as the group danced away. Ona had found herself staring at Lucy while she danced with Rudy in her arms. It made her heart melt as the pair giggled at something Rudy said. 

“Ona, do you want a drink?” Suddenly Lucy was in front of the Spaniard.

Ona was blushed from the dancing. A huge smile plastered on her face, making Lucy's heart melt. “Please. Thank you.”

Lucy nodded, she made her way to the kitchen in search of more alcohol. She looked in the mini fridge stocked with bottles of drink. She grabbed a bottle and popped the cork, pouring herself and Ona some prosecco.

“So, how long have you loved her?” 

Lucy jumped at the deep voice, she turned around to see her brother Keven standing at the door frame, a playful smile on his face.

“What?” Lucy turned back around to continue pouring.

“Come on, Lucy. Don't play dumb. You can see it a mile away. You can practically see the heart shape in your eyes. Even the way Ona looks at you.”

“Leave it out Kevin.”

He stepped next to his sister, leaning on the kitchen side, a serious face now sat on his features. 

“I’m not trying to wind you up Luce, you seem so much happier, and I can't help but think it's Ona that’s done it.” He smiled at his younger sister.

Lucy scoffed. “Is it that obvious?” 

Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Does a bear shit in the woods?” 

The siblings laughed, it was rare for them to have a conversation that didn't end up teasing the other over a game or even what the other was dressed in, it was different, it was nice.

“I hope you're planning on asking her out. Even Molly was asking if she was single. I think she wants your girl.” He winked, making Lucy laugh.

“Yeah, I think I will. I just need the right ti-,” 

“Hey Luce, do you need me?” Ona entered the kitchen with a big smile on her face. 

“Just in time! She does Ona, she needs you.” Kevin smiled as he nudged his sister, Lucy gave her brother daggers but in truth, he wasn’t lying. He chuckled to himself, leaving the two girls alone. 

Ona smiled as she approached Lucy, it was her cute tipsy smile. Lucy had seen it a few times now, it never got any less cute. Lucy turned round, her back to the sink, facing the shorter girl. 

“Are you having a good time?” 

Ona walked up to the taller brunette and took the glass from Lucy's hand, making sure her fingers lingered on hers.

“I am. Your neighbours are fun. They can dance!” Ona giggled.

“Yeah, they do like a good time. Garry's having fun with you.” Lucy chuckled as she drank her drink.

“Hmm, sounds like someone jealous.” Ona chuckled.

“What if I am?”

“You? No, you're not jealous.” Ona teased.

“Well, I haven't had a chance to dance with you yet.”

Ona stepped a little closer to Lucy. Her brown eyes looked up at the taller girl. “You can dance with me.”

“Yeah?” 

“All you have to do is ask. I’d be all yours.” Ona whispered. 

Lucy could feel her body gravitating towards Ona, she couldn't take her eyes off of her lips. Her heart was in her throat. Was this about to finally happen? 

Ona licked her own lips. Her hands were sweating. She had wanted this for so long.

“All mine?” Lucy's words were just above a whisper.

“Sí.” Ona closed her eyes as she was finally about to kiss the girl she loved.

The girls lips were inches apart, months of wanting this exact moment, finally seconds away. Until a roar of laughter came tumbling into the kitchen. Lucy's dad and two other neighbours were completely unaware they had just ruined the moment.

Ona jumped from the commotion, automatically stepping back from their bubble. Lucy closed her eyes in frustration, she could have killed her dad. Ona eyed the brunette a shy smile on her face as she drank her drink. 

“Lucy, Ona! We’re doing shots. Come on, get over here.” Lucy’s dad laughed.

The girls eyed each other, both hungry with lust. It was clear what they both wanted now. Both girls had leaned in, both wanted the kiss, there was no mistaking the heat between them. 

The night got later, everyone continued to dance and drink, including Lucy and Ona, both girls stole glances throughout the night. Lucy wanted nothing more than to take Ona upstairs and have some time with the girl but the house was full. People would look for them within a couple of minutes, she'd have to wait. She just didn't know how long.

—-----------

“Night Garry, night Pauline. I’ll see you next week.” Lucy's mum slurred as she closed the front door, saying her goodbyes to the last guess.

“Okay mum, we're off to bed.” Lucy yawned.

“Okay, sleep well. I think you have a new admirer, Ona. Gary wouldn't leave you alone.” Lucy's mum winked.

Ona chuckled. “I know, I couldn't even keep up with his dancing!”

“He is funny. Alright girls. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

“Try to keep it quiet. The walls are thin!” Kevin laughed, but his laugh was cut off as his mum slapped him beside the head.

Lucy shut her bedroom door behind her, Ona stumbled in front of her, she was definitely more drunk than Lucy. The older brunette had slowed down her drinking, knowing she had a 4 hour drive home, also Ona was a lightweight when it came to drinking. 

The Spaniard  smiled as she looked over the pictures on the dresser, she hadn't noticed them until now. One in particular caught her eye, if it wasn't for the 90s clothing she would have thought it was Rudy. It was Lucy as a child with a cheeky smile that she still made now, she had her arm around a blonde girl, laughing and pointing at Lucy.  

She casted her eyes over the other pictures, the same blonde girl was in a picture with Lucy but it was years later, similar poses, the blonde laughing and Lucy looking as cheeky as always.

“Whos this?” Ona picked up the picture smiling. 

Lucy walked over, she looked at the picture and felt her heart sink.

“That's Sophie, she was my best friend.”

Ona noticed the sadness in Lucy's voice straight away.

“I’m sorry. Are you no longer friends?”

Lucy shook her head. “No, we never argued. We were friends since we were 4, she moved in a few doors down. Our mums became friends and then we naturally became closer.”

Ona smiled as she listened to Lucy. She continued.

“We did everything together. If I was there, so was she. She even worked with me on the force.” She chuckled. “Sarina made us partners at the same time. We couldn't believe it.” Lucy's eyes became watery. “We were on an early morning raid. Like we had done 100 times before. The house was declared clear. We went inside to collect evidence, but there was a man hiding inside the house. He shot her. She died before the ambulance even arrived.” 

Ona felt her own eyes watering as she watched a single tear fall from Lucy's face. 

“Sorry. Bladdy drink.” Lucy sniffled.

Ona grabbed Lucy in a hug like she had done for the smaller girl before. 

“I’m so sorry Lucy.” She rubbed the taller girls back soothingly. 

“Thank you.” 

The girls spoke about Lucy and Sophie and the antics they got into when they were young. The holidays they had been on, the night clubs they had been kicked out of. Ona couldn't stop the smile on her face, it was like learning a whole new side of Lucy. The older brunette's face lit up talking about her memories with her childhood best friend. It broke Ona’s heart that Lucy had been holding this all in, all the pain she had been through. 

The girls had found themselves laying on the bed, both their eyes slowly closing as they spoke. It was Onas eyes that closed first, mumbling about something Lucy couldn't really understand.

“Okay, let's get to bed.”

Ona groaned like a child “Can you get my clothes?”

Lucy playful rolled her eyes, a drunk Ona was a very cute Ona. She grabbed the girl's pj from her bag and threw them towards Ona. 

“Here you go.”  She chuckled as Ona groaned again.

Lucy looked in her own bag for her pjs. She couldn't help but feel a lot lighter, she hadn't talked about some of those memories since she had lost her best friend. It had been hard for the girl to talk about Sophie over the years, it was hard for her to find the strength to talk about her. But for some reason she felt completely comfortable talking to Ona about her, about their memories, about the bad days and the good days.

Lucy turned around to find Ona half dressed, her bottoms were on but her bed top was wrapped around arms.

“You okay there?” 

Ona flopped on the bed, her t-shirt trapping her arms. 

“Help me.”

Lucy chuckled, she walked over to the younger brunette, she helped her pull her shirt down, over her toned stomach. 

“Thank you Luce.” Ona crawled up to the top of the bed, snuggling herself beneath the covers. Lucy quickly changed, feeling sleep take over her own body. She finally climbed into the bed next to Ona. Turning off the light.

“You have soft lips.” Ona mumbled.

“What?” Lucy chuckled.

“I felt you kiss me in the morning, on my neck. You have soft lips.” 

“Oh…I’m sor-,” Lucy stuttered. 

“It's okay. I really liked it.” Ona whispered.

“So did I.”

“I just wish it was my lips.” 

Lucy smiled shyly, her heart fluttered. When she kissed Ona this morning she didn't do it in a sexual or seedy way. She had woken to Ona pushing herself into her. Her lips were already on Ona when she woke up. So when she woke she didn't think twice, she pressed her lips to her milky skin. 

"I wanna kiss you, Luce."

Lucy wanted to but Ona was drunk, she didn't want their first kiss like this.

“I want to so badly, but maybe when we’re not drunk? Ask me again when you're sober?"

Ona smiled. "Okay, I'll ask again."

It only took a minute before Ona was snoring.

The next morning Ona woke up to an empty bed, she then heard what sounded like the shower running. She was pleasantly surprised she wasn't as hungover as she would have thought, just a small headache, but nothing more. The bathroom door opened to a fresh face looking Lucy.

“Morning sleepy head.” Lucy smiled.

“Morning.” Ona stretched.

“How you feeling?” Lucy started to brush out her wet hair.

“Not too bad, you?”

“A little headache but nothing a full english and paracetamol can't handle.”

“Yes! I love the English breakfast!” Ona kicked her feet excitedly.

“Good, my mum goes OTT, so hopefully you’ll enjoy it.” 

“Can I shower before we go down?” Ona climbed out of the bed.

“Of course. I put a fresh towel in there for you.”

The girls got ready for breakfast, and like Lucy promised, her mum had gone in on the food, she had cooked the works and more. She placed a full English breakfast in front of a very hungry Ona. 

“Thank you!” 

“You let me know if you want anything else, I've got plenty to go.”

The kitchen was a hub of chatter as everyone talked about the night before, laughing at jokes and teasing Ona that she had a new admirer. She couldn't help but still glances at Lucy as they all laughed. The time finally came for the girls to get ready for their drive home. 

Everyone waited at the front door as the girls came to the door.

Lucys mum opened her arms out grabbing Ona in a hug, while Lucy hugged her dad.

“Oh Ona, thank you so much for spending Christmas with us. You are welcome anytime, I hope you know that.” 

Ona hugged back as much as she physically could. “Thank you so much. This has been one of the best Christmases I've ever had. You made me feel so special. Thank you.”

Lucy's dad hugged his daughter tightly. “She's a good one. Do something about it.” 

Lucy smiled, even her dad could see right through her. She hugged him tighter. 

“Make sure to drive slow. Don't go faster than you need to, stay in the slow lane.” Her mum warned.

Lucy rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, Been driving for 10 plus years now.” 

Rudy grabbed Ona’s legs. “Bye Ona.” 

Ona knelt down and hugged the mini Lucy. “Goodbye Rudy. I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye pip squeak.” Lucy held her arms open for Rudy. The little girl giggled as she flung herself into Lucy.

The girls said their goodbyes to everyone, and got in Lucy's car. 

There had been a thick buzz between the girls since the morning. Their chat last night wasn't forgotten between the pair, but neither had said anything about it. But they didn't need to, they both knew what they wanted. It was just a 4 hour drive away. 

Finally they pulled up to Ona’s flat, helping her Ona with her bags. Lucy followed Ona into her flat, she smiled as she looked around the new space.

“You’ve got a nice place here.” Lucy lowered the bags. 

The shorter brunette walked up to Lucy. “Do you wanna see my bedroom?” 

“More than anything.” Lucy whispered. She cupped Ona’s face into her hands, she lowered herself to Ona’s lips, the lips she had wanted to kiss for months. 

Finally, their lips met. It was soft and sweet. There was no rushing, no pushing, just their lips exploring the other. Even though they had waited so long for this, they didn't want to rush. Both girls were finally getting what they had wanted for the longest time, they wanted to make the first kiss last.

But as soon as Lucy slipped her tongue into the mix and made Ona whimper, all the above went out the window. She couldn't hold back any longer. Lucy’s tilted Ona’s head back just a fraction, pushing the girl for a deeper kiss. Ona whimpered again, letting Lucy take full control of their movements. The kisses started to become messy and loud, the girls were clearly hungry for each other. The months, weeks, days of wanting, were finally here. 

“Where’s your room?” 

“First door on the left.”

The taller girl grabbed Ona by the waist lifting her up. Ona giggled as she wrapped her legs around Lucy’s waist, she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about this exact moment for a long time. 

Lucy carried the shorter girl to the bedroom, never letting their lips come apart. She walked into the open bedroom and gently lowered Ona on the bed below, laying her body on the girl beneath her. Her lips attacked Ona’s neck, sucking and kissing at the soft skin. 

“Fuck, Lucy.” Ona gasped. 

Lucy smirked proudly hearing Ona moan her name. She continued her actions, leaving small red marks everywhere her mouth touched, loving the noises she was pulling from Ona. She couldn't stop her hips from grinding into the girl, her desperate moans making Lucys pussy throb. She finally pulled back. 

“Can I take this off?” She pulled the bottom of Ona’s top.

“Yes, take it off. All of it.” She panted as she sat up.

Lucy nodded. She removed Ona’s top, then her bra, revealing her beautiful breast. She couldn't stop herself from kissing the girl's stomach. She watched as Ona’s tight abs flexed, feeling Lucy's mouth on her skin. She continued to kiss down Ona’s stomach as she popped open the girl's jeans. She quickly undone her zip and began to pull down the clothing. She looked at the girl below her, taking in her beautiful body. Her gold necklace stood out against her milky skin. 

“You too.” Ona pulled at Lucy’s top.

Lucy smiled at the girl below her, she did as the Spaniard asked and removed her clothing. Ona stared at the girl standing above her, Lucy's body was unreal, her muscular arms flexed as she pulled her clothing off. She was truly stunning. Ona sat up, she attached her mouth to Lucy's stomach, sucking on her tight skin as she undone her jeans, wanting to move this along.

Ona spotted the wet patch seeping through the fabric between Lucy's legs, smiling playfully as she eyed the older brunette. 

“Can I take these off?”

Lucy looked down at the girl, her bright brown eyes looking up at her with so much lust, so much want. It only added to the wetness pooling in between Lucy's legs.

“Yeah.” She swallowed.

Ona slowly pulled down the fabric, she let out a sigh as she saw the shiny arousal sticking to Lucy's lips. She began to kiss Lucy's thighs, getting closer to the area she wanted most, she could smell how aroused Lucy was, her own wetness dripping between her legs. 

She got closer to the sweet spot, her lips kissed Lucy's wet sensitive lips, jolting as she felt Ona. 

Ona dipped her tongue between Lucy's lips, coating her tongue in the girl's juices. Lucy gasped as her head rolled back. Ona took another long lick hitting Lucy's already swollen clit, groaning as she tasted the girl above. 

Lucy watched as Ona started to lap at her pussy, she gently stroked the younger girl's face, her fingertips brushed at her hair. She softly undid the girl's bun, hair long hair fell down her back. Lucy cradled Ona’s head as she moved her hips, rocking herself into her talented mouth. 

Ona sighed as Lucy ran her fingers through her scalp, making her shiver from the touch. 

“Ona. Your mouth. Fuck, you’re so good.”

Ona let out a low chuckle, making Lucy gasp from the vibration. She continued to lick at Lucy's cunt, swallowing her arousal every couple of minutes. Lucy gripped Ona’s hair, fucking her face gently as the girl pleasured her. She began to pick up the pace of her hips as she felt her orgasm spread up her body.

“I’m going to come.”

Ona groaned, she continued her movements, keeping the pace Lucy needed. Lucy gripped at Ona’s hair, pushing her closer between her legs. Her legs started to shake as she felt the warm sensation rise up from her stomach.

“That's it. Ona, don’t stop. Good girl. That’s soo good.”

As she came she pushed the girl's head closer to her core, needing the girl ever closer to her, her tongue was suckling her clit perfectly. She rode out her orgasm as long as she could. Ona could feel Lucy's orgasm washing over her mouth. Lucy gasped as Ona carried on licking her through the come down, she stroked her hair, allowing the girl to clean her up. She rocked her hips into her mouth for a couple more minutes, feeling Ona’s tongue against her.

“Wow, you’re talented.” Lucy chuckled.

Ona pulled back, her mouth was dripping with Lucy’s fluids. She panted as her cheeks turned a shade of pink from the compliment.

“You taste even better than I imagined.” 

“Have you imagined it a lot?” Lucy whispered. 

Ona nodded, smirking devilishly. “A lot.”

“Fuck.” 

Lucy leaned down, capturing Ona’s lips with her own, she moaned as she tasted herself on the girl. Ona’s cunt was throbbing she whimpered as Lucy began to pull her thongs down. The younger brunette  sighed as she felt the cold air hit her painfully sensitive pussy. Lucy smirked as she threw the ruined thongs over her shoulder. She looked down at Ona’s drenched pussy.

“Is that how wet you get just from making me come? Making me feel so good?” 

Ona bit her lip and nodded, not able to form words. 

“You’re amazing.” 

Lucy dipped her pointer finger between Ona’s velvety folds, groaning at the wetness. Ona jumped at the contact as Lucy just barely touched her. Lucy pushed her finger into her mouth.

“You taste so fucking good.” 

Ona panted below, desperately needing anything Lucy would give to her. Lucy placed her hand back between Ona’s spread legs, stroking her finger through her sensitive flesh. She dipped her finger into Ona’s cunt, her tight muscles flexing around her digit.

“Lucy.” 

“I love when you say my name.” Lucy growled as she began to fuck Ona. 

The younger girl let out soft moans as Lucy picked up the pace, she easily pushed another finger inside her, cutting off Ona’s crys with a deep kiss. 

“Lucy.” Ona was starting to whimper, the older girl closed her eyes, listening to the way the Spaniard moaned her name, her own pussy becoming wet again, just from the sounds of the girl.

Lucy began to kiss down Ona’s body, she sucked in Ona’s nipple, loving the way Ona’s head rolled back. She then moved over to the other side, giving it just as much attention. The girl's small body began to roll, her noises were becoming louder as Lucy’s fingers relentless fucked her.

She moved further down, gliding her tongue over Ona’s abs. The shorter girl squirmed as she felt Lucy's tongue move skirt over her flesh. Lucy began to kiss Ona’s pubic bone, loving the way she moaned. She felt the younger girl's hand thread into her hair, pushing her close to where she clearly wanted her. Lucy smiled as she kissed lower and lower. 

Finally, Lucy wrapped her lips around Ona’s swollen clit, the cry she let out was music to the older girl's ears. The hand in her hair tightened as she worked the girl's body, her fingers picked up a faster pace, causing Ona’s back to curve. Her vision began to blur as Lucy kept up the beautiful pleasure on her body. 

“Lucy!”

Lucy only hummed, not wanting to stop, she could feel Ona was getting close, her legs began to shake as her cunt tightened on her fingers, squeezing them tightly. Ona couldn't believe the way Lucy was pushing her body, she could feel her head becoming dizzy, she scrunched her eyes shut she felt the warm sensation prickle her skin.

“Merda! Lucyyyy!”

The hands pushed her further into her cunt, guiding her head up and down, Lucy loved the way Ona was controlling her movements to do what she wanted. Then she felt it before she heard it. Ona became silent, her body went rigid, but Lucy didn’t stop, she suckled and fucked Ona until she pushed her over that edge. 

“Lu-Lu….Lucyyyyyy!” 

Ona came, loud and hard. Her thighs clamped around Lucy's head as she rode out her orgasm. Her hips thrusted into Lucy's mouth as she felt her legs start to give in, panting loudly as Lucy kept up her movements. Finally the girl's body went limp, her chest was panting fast as she tried to catch her breath. 

Lucy slowly took her fingers out of Ona. She couldn't stop the smile on her face seeing the girl benather her looking completely wrecked.

“You okay?” 

“Lucy. Merda. Fuck.”

Lucy laid next to the girl laughing at her gaping face. 

She couldn't help but kiss the girl, she could definitely get used to this site. 

The girls laid with each other for another hour talking about the last couple of months.

“So when I saw you dance with her I just lost it. It was so selfish of me. I regret it so much.” Lucy stroked Ona’s back as she explained herself. 

Ona listened, she didn't hold any grudges, she would have probably done what Lucy did, maybe not as cold, but they were different people. They handled things differently. 

“When I saw you on the bridge, it made me realise just how stupid I was being. I needed to sort it out even if you didn't want me like that. I at least wanted you as a friend.”

Ona smiled as she kissed Lucy, she couldn't believe they had wanted each other for so long, and not see it as clear as everyone around them. The girls were in bliss, finally they got what they wanted. They spent the next couple of days of the Christmas break with each other, learning everything they could about the other. 

Learning everything they could about each other's bodies, what she liked, what she didn't like. What she sounded like after 3 orgasms in a row. How Ona liked her hair pulled when she fucked Lucy with her fingers. How Lucy liked to watch Ona when she rode her with a strap. And so much more.

 Everything was perfect. 

But the short Christmas break ended and work came, so the girls decided to spend a night apart. Even though it killed them to do it, they knew they needed to have at least a day apart, they would see each other the next morning when Lucy picked up Ona for work.

Lucy stood at Ona’s door. Kissing the shorter girl deeply, holding her body next to hers. 

“I’ll miss you.” Ona whispered.

“I’ll miss you too. I’ll call you when I get in?”

Ona nodded, she looked up at Lucy giving her those big brown doe eyes. Making it so much harder for Lucy to leave. 

“Onaaaa. Don’t”

The shorter girl giggled. “Sorry. Go, call me when you get in.” 

—------- 

Lucy yawned as she drove to pick up Ona. The girls had spoken late into the night, not going to bed till late. But Lucy had a new spring in her step, she felt so happy. She finally got the girl that she loved, yeah loved. It was the start of love, both girls felt it, neither saying anything as this was new, but they both felt it. 

She was surprised when she didn't see Ona sitting at her usual spot on the wall. She had never been late. Maybe she slept in from their late night call. She pulled up the car like she normally did. Maybe she was in a queue at the coffee shop? Lucy sat there for a moment, she texted Ona to say she was outside, but didn't get a text back. Lucy eyed up Ona’s building, something didn't feel right .

She got out of the car and walked to the wall where Ona sat, that's when she felt a cold shiver run down her spine. She spotted two coffee cups spilt on the floor. It was the coffee shop where Ona got their drinks. She felt the blood drain from her face. Where was Ona?

[burinazar]

I’m on a three day road trip with my sister with the chief goal of rehoming my rats annd auxiliary goals of visiting some people I know and also spending time (like, the two of us) together. I drove, ahem, several hundred miles today. (For a fun game try guessing how many hundreds. It’s probably more than you think.) The forward leg is nearly finished; we’ll be dropping off the rats at their lovely new home tomorrow morning and then coming back at a slightly more leisurely pace and visiting people i know along the way over the next two days.

I’m a swirl of emotions; rat ownership has been such an important part of my life for the last decade. I’ve never known my adult self as a non rat owner. But I decided last year it was time to give my heart a break after the current group, and then decided earlier this year (once I found out I got a position abroad) that the best thing for these particular girls was rehoming them to my amazing friend’s mischief before I went, and all of that is what I know is the right decision at this time for me and the rats. But I’m going to miss having rats so much. So much. I’m pretty sure I will again someday. I really do love them.

Also, on the last portion of today’s drive we got caught in tornado weather and it was the most terrifying and stressful driving experience of my life. I’ve always found storms immensely fascinating but this was the first time I felt genuine fear from one.

…

Now this was obviously A Bad Thing to have happened lol, and a mostly coincidental one on top of that, unrelated to like, anything I actually decided to do. And the end of rat ownership is, if not exactly A Bad Thing an extremely bittersweet thing. But it’s…being hammered in for me today that the inertia based manner in which I’ve lived my life for a long time is probably over for the foreseeable future. There’s probably not going to be a single empty “just exist and float forward and follow the path of least resistance” day between now and whenever the hell I manage to get used to living in Japan. Things are potent and uncertain in a way I think they haven’t been since the first half of college.

That’s scary, and it could turn out badly (arguably most of the Things from back then that were exciting for the forward momentum they conferred upon me turned out badly), but it’s also exciting. My heart was pounding in absolute fear today in a way I could actually feel in my chest, as the sky turned colors I’d never seen it. I was terrified and obviously I’m not happy that happened to us as but I’m also trying to remember last time I felt anything like that, the fear which reminds you that you don’t want to die, especially potent to anyone who remembers the passive feeling of not caring what happens to you or wishing something would take away your choice and quietly end it all for you. And I’m lying in bed tonight writing this on my phone and wiping off tears that are welling up thinking of the rats I’ve loved and lost and the ones that are leaving me now, and all told I’m reminded I am still alive and not the block of interwoven self fulfilling prophecies and mental inertia I am capable of imitating for years on end. I am still a person for whom things are happening. It sounds stupid to realize but on some level I just believed everything interesting that was ever meant to happen to me was far in the past. But as long as I’m breathing changes can come into my life (and I am, and they will). It all goes on, and so can I.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Today we talk about Idia ships again + the Leech parents (there is a sketch down there) + some other random stuff!

Anonymous asked:

i found out that one of my favorite western artists has a partner whose art i also like. that makes them the third english speaking artist couple that i can count on for my favorite cesty ships (two shroudcest and the other is of another fandoms' ships), and that includes you two on the list :D i just think it's funny and cute enough to share

Ohh, that’s so cool and adorable! I love artistic duos hehehehe.

Thank you for telling us, Anon! I’m happy that we are on your list ❤️

Anonymous asked:

Do you like reading or hearing about other folks OCs?

I do, but unfortunately I don’t have time, energy or mental capacity to do it these days. There are a lot of people waiting for me to reply at this point and I feel bad enough for making them wait…

Whenever I draw commissions though, I like it when a person talks about the character a little bit. It helps me to get a better feeling of what the character is like as I draw them.

Anonymous asked:

So you have who Idia would be the happiest with…now who would he be the worst off with? Also who would he have the most toxic relationship with and why?

Hmm, let’s just say that any ship that we have with Idia has some potential to become toxic at some point. Especially considering the fact that we kind of love toxic ships lol Ortho/Idia is toxic in a way: aside for obvious reasons, they have codependency, and them being together would enable Idia to never poke his nose out of his shell. But even if this situation ends up being a huge mess and dynamic becomes completely unhealthy, I can’t imagine Idia being miserable or unhappy in any way: Ortho is his everything.

Speaking of shells, Azul/Idia also has a lot of toxic potential, and this is really the point of our Marriage AU with these two. They work well together, and they would have happy moments, they could even end up being an almost healthy couple if they work through their issues (and both of them got plenty), but it requires a lot of dedication, empathy and being able to compromise, and they kind of lack some of these things. Communication also matters – Azul doesn’t want to show his vulnerable side and doesn’t even register some of his own emotions, and Idia doesn’t want to burden himself with helping Azul through this either. So it’s very possible for Idia to realise that he is very unhappy with Azul after some time… well, we talked about it a lot in replies about Idia escaping Azul’s “golden cage” in the AU. It could also take a very dark turn, because Azul is capable of doing scary things when he is hurt, and he is very jealous, petty and vindictive.

Can’t say much about Lilia, because as we established it wouldn’t be much of a relationship, but all the time they would spend together would probably be a happy time for Lilia and Idia; the only thing that sours this experience and makes it a horrible memory is the fact that it would end at some point.

The Tweels would probably be an easy answer for this question lol But then again, they wouldn’t really date… but realistically, Idia is the worst off with them. They’re just playing with Idia, even if they genuinely like him. Even if they’re obsessed with him and want to keep him by their side forever, he is still more of a pet than a partner, and that’s kind of toxic lol

I guess Sebek is also an option, but if they miraculously end up having an affair, it would probably end pretty soon :( It would be a very fast yet toxic storm of emotions lol

Speaking of Sebek…

Anonymous asked:

I notice that in several different posts that Sebek never really sees Idia as an equal rather as someone who should feel lucky that he even has Sebek’s attention for any amount of time. On the flip side, though, I also noticed that Sebek also gets jealous (such as in the Evil Exes post and the reply where he caught Lilia and Idia doing it). Is this a purely possessive thing where he thinks that Idia has no business being with anyone else because reasons, does he genuinely have feelings for him, or does it just hurt his feelings in a general sort of way? What are they, really, in their own minds?

Hehehe SEBEIDE MY LOVELIESSSS thank you for sending an ask about them, Anon! I’m happy to talk about them. And that you saw the Evil Exes post, which means you’re from ko-fi. Thank you for supporting us <3

Sebek is very confused: it’s probably a mix of everything that you’ve described. He doesn’t like Idia because he irritates him and makes him mad in record times with just one little provocation or snarky remark. Idia goes against everything that Sebek believes in, therefore in his mind they are… what exactly? Sebek can’t really pinpoint it, and he probably won’t even want to do so. Even if they have sex several times, Sebek flip-flops between “this is a huge mistake, why would I do it” and “I’m blessing your pathetic self with my glory and you should be thankful”. This is the level of Sebek’s own understanding.

In actuality, he does enjoy the intimacy; he does get thrilled when Idia provokes him. Maybe it’s due to the fact that Idia is just so wrong on so many levels in Sebek’s mind, but he is drawn to him. He wants to fix him, to break his cynical mind into understanding that he is wrong and Sebek is right. But Sebek only gets more mocking, which means no closure, which means the obsession grows stronger.

Is he jealous? Yeah, on a very childish level. He doesn’t like Idia, but he enjoys whatever they have, so he feels possessive. It also feels super wrong to him that people like Lilia would treat Idia any better than he deserves to be treated.

But also Sebek probably wants to be special to Idia. The fact that he spent all this energy screaming his truths into Idia’s snarky face and breaking his body into obedience and yet that ended up meaning absolutely nothing is very painful for his poor soul lol He desperately wants him to say “thank you, Sebek, for explaining to me how the world works”.

As for Idia… he absolutely tries not to think about it and to keep Sebek’s role in his life to a minimum. Even if they were to have sex, Idia probably puts the responsibility completely on Sebek, because it’s always him who initiates things. It’s not Idia’s fault that Sebek’s head is so far up his own ass that he doesn’t understand that he is just horny, and that Idia just happens to be an easy target because he is helpless against this beast. And yes, it doesn’t matter that Idia enjoys it too!

That being said, I think over time, if their relationship continued, Sebek would become calmer and would get used to Idia’s behaviour, at least on some level. He’d still get provoked by him, but he’d become more aware about it and even catch Idia’s intentions from time to time. After Idia’s next even worse remark he’d snap again lol But I do believe that despite this insurmountable obstacle Sebek can develop genuine feelings for Idia and they can get an actual working relationship, Sebek just needs more experience interacting with various people and becoming more open-minded, like Lilia wants him to be.

Anonymous asked:

headcanon that no one asked for, but I kind of love the idea that Idia has a thing for the reliable businessman type. Like, he may say that it doesn't matter who his internet friends are in real life, but he has still unconsciously built this image of Crimson Muscle as a serious older man with a job and a family, and sometimes he gets pretty worried about it. "He always takes the lead with no hesitation, does he have some important executive job irl? Wait, is he married? Agh, what am I saying, that's not something I should be worrying about... I'm his gaming buddy, not some kind of "other woman"! Oh, but he definitely has kids, hasn't he? Oh sevens... what if they are my age? If he finds out would he start treating me like I'm just a brat?". He can't decide if he likes the idea of a steamy romance with an older man (pull yourself together Idia, that'd never happen), or if he is just scared of losing one of his closest friends

I don’t even have much to add, Anon, you nailed it. I absolutely agree that this is the case for Idia. I don’t know why he is so drawn to this image of the older reliable businessman type man who is so experienced and so mature and serious and probably has his own life and family (and yet finds time to hang out with him!)… but he absolutely is. That silly boy.

Anonymous asked:

Do you think Mrs. Rosehearts would look exactly like Madam Red if she ever gets fully revealed?

Good question, both of them are doctors too, aren’t they?

I think Madam Red is too stylish for Mrs. Rosehearts, if that makes sense?? She is one bold woman, and Mrs. Rosehearts strikes me as someone who prefers very old-fashioned kind of look.

Victorian era Madam Red would somehow look more modern than Mrs. Rosehearts lol I also think she doesn’t wear lipstick.

Anonymous asked:

Hey Ryuichi, you probably heard of the Leech Mob theory. Apparently, it's hinted a few times that their parents are in the Mob. So i was wondering how do you picture their parents? As in personally and Appearance?

I enjoy reading how every fan pictures different versions of the Leech parents. I feel like Floyd is more like his dad, while Jade is more like his mom.

( Also, apparently, they have a grandma, too))

Yeah, it’s a pretty obvious thing! We really like that the Octa-boys have this yakuza/mafia motif, and the fact that whenever they talk about their family, it’s always kinda….ehhh... 😳 God how much I hope we’ll get to see their parents! AND THEIR GRANDMA TOO!

I made a rough sketch of how I picture them, but just like with the Ace’s brother sketch from the other day, the designs aren’t 100% concrete yet and we might change some stuff about them. Well, this time this isn’t even much of a design, just silhouettes lol But I think it’s still pretty easy to tell the overall vibe. The dad is freakishly massive and intimidating; the mom is very elegant but dangerous nonetheless.

Also, based on how they look, I guess I agree that Floyd is more like their dad and Jade is more like their mom lol

When it comes to their personalities, I think Papa Leech has this wild, scary and sadistic side that made him a legend in his own way, and he is chaotic in some ways, but he is also very disciplined and makes sure that everyone knows their place. He’s your typical mafia boss, the one which makes an entire room get silent as soon as he just walks in there. He is also a bit calmer now that he used to be + has a bit of a… silly? Side? He gets very into movies when he watches them, he talks to characters, yells at them, sobs when a dog dies, all this stuff. Sometimes he is a fun dad (although his idea of “fun” is sometimes scary), but he is the one who disciplines Jade and Floyd the most.

And Mama Leech is a huge worrywart, but only with her kids. With them she is dramatic and fussy, a bit overprotective, but it’s also not 100% obvious if she is genuinely worried about them or just completely messes with them. She kind of likes embarrassing her boys lol She is also a master of emotional manipulation and is much scarier and more powerful than she actually looks. She also prefers to make it seems like she is just a sweet obedient wife, but Papa Leech married her because of how deadly she actually is.

(don’t mind how sketchy the sketch is, it was a quick one)

[linos-luna]

Ooh, can I please request yandere bang chan?

Smut+ fluff+ angst

Reader has been looking sad for awhile and chan wants to know how to make them happy again.

Hi! Sounds good! Hope you like it! 🫰🏼

(Sorry it’s kinda long I got carried away 😅)

————————————————————————

Cheer up, Baby Girl 🥀❣️🔪☁️

Yandere!Chan x Reader

Warnings: 18+ , smut , daddy kink , unprotected sex , depression, mention of self harm

-—————————— 🥀 ———————————-

Living with Chan was unpredictable. Some days he’d be scary and mean but he could also be the sweetest boyfriend ever. After awhile you wouldn’t resist him as much. He had tested you a few times and you passed, definitely formed some Stockholm Syndrome. You were isolated and getting depressed.

Today was particularly bad. You got up and put on the clothes your boyfriend laid out for you(which was his hoodie and some jeans), went to the bathroom to freshen up and made your way to the living room. You sat on the couch, knees up to your chest. You were holding them there as you looked at your phone on the coffee table. He was tempting you again but you were too out of it to care.

Chan noticed you sitting yourself down. He was making breakfast. Some eggs mixed with spinach and ham. A dish he knew you liked. One your mom would make for you growing up.

“G’ morning, baby girl.” He said with a cheery tone.

You didn’t even look up at him. “Morning daddy…”

Immediately Chan stopped what he was doing and went over to you, crouching down to your level. He gently held your chin and tilted his head slightly. “Hey what’s wrong?”

You didn’t answer. Simply looking down. Normally Chan didn’t like you not answering him right away but he could tell something was off. He stood back up and grabbed onto your hand. “Come on baby, let’s have some breakfast. I made your favorite!”

“I’m not hungry….”

Your boyfriend was surprised. What was wrong? Did he do something?? He was worried. You’ve been down this past week. Barely speaking, minimally eating. The other day Chan even caught you cutting yourself. He was so scared for your safety that he hid every sharp object in the house. It was getting bad and now you just looked empty. Devoid of emotion. He was worried. Very worried. He loved his baby. Sure he was strict but he didn’t want her like this.

“Baby?? Hey!” Chan started pulling at your arm, indicating that he wants you to get up and you do. “Why are you sad? Did I do something? I’m sorry!” He said this almost frantically, squeezing your hand.

You shook your head.

He then had an idea. “Hey, why don’t we go out! We can go for a picnic at the park? Or maybe go shopping? Wouldnt that be nice?”

You perked up a bit. It’s been awhile since you’ve gone out. “Really?”

“Yes of course! Let me get your shoes and bag.”

….

At the mall Chan let you shop around for whatever you wanted. You were sure to keep your head down, making sure to not accidentally look at any boys. You wanted to keep him in this good mood. He bought you an expensive necklace with his initials, some makeup you wanted, and some clothes for the winter.

Although, while you were enjoying yourself, Chan was looking at everyone that came by you. Giving a dirty look to any man that even dare look in your direction. He held you possessively by the waist.

At the end, you were eating ice cream, making your way to the car. In the parking lot you noticed someone you haven’t seen since high school. An old friend of yours. You looked at him walk by, maybe staring a little too long before Chan interrupted your thoughts.

“HEY!”

You tensed up and looked at him quickly. “Sorry! Sorry daddy!”

He frowned and shoved you into the car. Now you were worried. Have you messed up? Tears started rolling down your cheeks and you quickly wiped them away. But Chan noticed. He put his hand on your thigh and gently rubbed. He just wanted to make you happy today.

Once home he took your hand and led you inside. His jealousy got the best of him and he wanted to show you how much he loved you. Taking you to the bedroom, he laid you down in front of him. Slowly lowering your jeans

“Let me take care of you. Please let me love you.” He said, spreading your legs and lightly rubbing your panties.

You moaned to his touch. It wasn’t often that he was soft in bed. He usually liked being rough and dominating. He started kissing up your thighs, squeezing lightly, making his way to your center. He gently took your panties off, watching as your wetness stuck to it. He rubbed your clit with his fingers, moving his way up to your lips, relishing in your soft moans. He kissed you softly.

“Do you like when daddy touches you here”

‘Mmm…” it was all you could say. Your vision getting blurry and breathing starting to hitch. With his other hand, he went under your hoodie and groped your breast, pinching a little at your nipple. This made your eyes roll back.

Chan could feel how wet you were down there and started undoing his belt. You whined at the loss of his touch. He smiled and took off his pants, shirt, and boxers, slowly rubbing his cock against you causing you to whine even more.

“Daddy…”

But before you could say whatever was next, Chan was quick to shush you when he entered you. You breathed heavily, his size always taking you by surprise. He didn’t even wait before thrusting lightly. At first, almost shallow, as if he’s trying to warm you up, but eventually he sped up. He his arms resting on both sides of you head, rubbing your cheeks and kissing you softly as if he wasn’t pounding into you.

Soon you were coming with a loud moan. Chris loved it. Loving it so much that he came right after. He pulled out and held you and you snuggled into his embrace. He was surprised. You don’t do that often. But then you said it and his heart melted.

“I love you daddy… thank you for today” you said with a small smile, kissing his cheek and snuggling your head into his neck.

He loved to hear that. He loved that you were happy. He wanted you to be more happy. Maybe he should do this more often.

“I love you too baby girl.”

[waitmyturtles]

I did something very bad last night, very bad!

Please forgive me. I’m not watching Midnight Museum. But I caught the previews for episode 6, and saw that it had Nanon and View in it, and I was like....

... can I get away with just peeping that episode, to see how they are together?

And then I saw Tu’s BTS photos of HER episode, the previous one.

And I thought to myself: maybe I should be a little bad.

So I did it, I watched episodes 5 and 6 last night, and I go into this without ANY prior knowledge of this show, except seeing some of the fabulous reviews, as always, by the family (which I’ll review more in depth later today). But anyway, what follows is an UTTERLY RIDICULOUS liveblog of what I watched, and if you like this show, I urge you to NOT READ MY DUMB RAMBLINGS! There’s no analysis! It’s just reactions, very silly ones.

Honestly, this looks like a totally interesting show, but I really don’t do knives and blood and murders and ghosts and curses and scary Christian frameworks (?!) -- I like trauma of the emotional kind, ha. Anyway, I’m saving y’all by putting up a break and keeping you safe from this dumpster fire! <3

Episode 5: 

- LOVE the fashion from the START, WOW. Fah and Tu are such 10s - DON’T EAT THE SOUP, GURL, DON’T EAT THE SOUP! WTF, don’t eat that soup! YOU KNOW NOT TO EAT THAT SOUP - Yes, soup tastes good when it’s salty, look how much salt you put in that soup - Dudes, doing it right outside Bee’s DOOR? ::throws grandma hands:: - TRIPHOP?! - Cute bar! - The sets and the lighting are a little outta control, tbh - This show isn’t actually set in any kind of reality, right? These auction prices.... - Was that a... raw fish eye you put in your mouth? - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, CHEEK MEAT?!?!?! - This is not an efficient way to harvest salt - WHAT THE FUCK AGAIN, TU?! - So this show is about... salt and Christianity? - Oh, oh, sorry, kk, salt is an episode theme, got it!

Episode 6:

- So Nanon is Adam? - I love what Namtan is wearing in the opening credits - GUN IS SO CUTE - Flower...Shop of Horrors? - I love how Dome’s like, wtf, I don’t know anything about anything -- this is like that episode of South Park where Cartman went to the future to speed up time for that video game release, and he was just like, wtf to everyone around him - Is this just the DaVinci Code?! With ghosts and shit? - Is the priest in the confessional Dome? The Holy Trinity, they’re the same person, etc. etc.? - Omg, photo boaaaarrrddddsssss..... right, Khatha’s in love, right? - Omg, Sani from The Eclipse, HI! - Foei is so good in everything (I’m not getting over the name TRIPHOP, though) - Okay, Nanon and View are GREAT TOGETHER, WOW, this experiment was worth it (besides this and 55:15 Never Too Late, I wonder what else they were in together) - Damn, $3 billion for this piece of shit anklet, huh - Does Khatha carry a scepter? - Oh, no no no no no no no no no Nanonenstein, no no no no noooooo no, leave her alone - NOOOOOOO, don’t do it dude, no, donnnn’t - But that swat was such a View-character-thing-to-do, tho - NOOOOOO GUYSSSSSS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY - HOLY WHAT THE HELL CHAINSAW?!?!??!?!?!?!?! - Okay, this is why I’m not watching this show lol - Okay, View with a chainsaw is something - OMFG NO NANON - All of this for feet?! - That was a VERY unfortunate commentary on sex work - LEAVE DOME ALONE, y’all! Ton and Anne, SHOO! - View, when did your outfit get so cute - ENOUGH WITH THE KNIVES NANON - Oh, WE’RE WORRIED ABOUT FIT NOW, TON? The cadaver drip check’s not working anymore?! - Oh god, there might be an interesting correlation between Christian themes and “completion,” don’t let me go there - Nice, dropping the scepter shit, Khatha - Jokes on a deathbed?! Khatha and Dome are being set up for each other, cute - The special effects are VERY much wanting in this show - Okay, that was a tiny bit heartbreaking, poor Ton - Now what, Dome, wake tf up!

That was a ride! I’m going back to just reading the reviews! Maybe I’ll check back in once Khatha and Dome are coupled up! ::escorts myself outta here::

[shiningwonderland]

Camus (All Star) Memorial

Translator: Mimi (Twitter: _mimisaurora)

Memorial 8 - Camus-senpai's Birthday

This hot and humid country finally reaches comfortable temperatures in January.

I had been in a particularly good mood since morning, especially since today was the coldest day this winter.

…However.

“This afternoon there is a magazine interview. With Kotobuki and the others…”

I walked down one of the agency corridors and opened my planner to check my schedule, becoming slightly upset. 

After the success of the Christmas Live, the number of times I had to work with those three has increased. It’s unbelievably annoying.

I have no interest in getting too acquainted with anyone.

I prefer to work alone when possible…

Just as I was heading up the stairs to the conference room where we were to meet, I caught sight of someone there.

It was…

“Good afternoon, Camus.”

“Aijima? What are you doing here? You were supposed to have the afternoon off.”

My Master Course kouhai stood in front of the door. 

“I came here to tell you something.”

“You look oddly serious…. What is it? Keep it short.”

“Then… the… the cat is feline down!!”

What?

“...So you're incapable of taking care of yourself. Go back to your dormitory, it'd be trouble if you were ill and passed it on to others.”

I dismissed him with a wave of my hand, but he maintained his serious demeanor and didn't budge.

“Non. I am not actually sick. It is called a pun.”

“Are you kidding me? Look, I'm busy. Get out of my way.”

“Hm. That was not funny then. Well… this will be a whisk I’m willing to take.”

He followed that up with this strange motion. What on earth is trying to do?

“What are you saying? I’m not following.”

“It is not easy to convey. Puns are hard.”

“So learn if it's too difficult. Now move.”

“Ah, Camus, please wait!”

Aijima fussed about irrelevant things, asking why I was not laughing if I found him to be funny, but I couldn’t keep dawdling around.

I pushed him aside and opened the door, feeling I had wasted my time on something so trivial.

Moments after stepping into the conference room, I stiffen for a second at an odd touch brushed against me.

I glanced over to the side and noticed a familiar face.

“...Kurosaki. What is this?”

“...The earl seriously doesn't even recognize a cat wand when he sees one?”

A large white cat wand was waved in front of Ranmaru Kurosaki’s angry face.

“Of course I know what it is. My question is why you’d ever use that wand to tickle me.”

I heard a giggle on the other side of the room and turned to see Jinguji, Kurosaki's kouhai, standing up.

He also held a cat wand.

“Hmm, I knew this was a bad idea, Ran-chan.”

“What is a bad idea? Explain, Jinguji.”

“That’s a scary face you got there, Baron.”

“...Barons are different. I've told you countless times that's not what you call an Earl.”

“I do it only because of that look you get on your face.”

Jinguji shamelessly waved his cat wand from side to side.

“But as to what’s going on, we’re just here to assist. You’ll have to get the details from Bukki.”

“Bukki. Kotobuki.”

Surely, that man is the only person who would be capable of coming up with such nonsense.

Jinguji shared where I could find him, and I went back out into the corridor.

I have no idea what he’s scheming, but the magazine's interview itself must have been a sham, considering the set-up.

But Kotobuki is a shrewd man, and there most certainly seems to be more to it than just pulling a prank. 

“Is it here?”

I braced myself a bit as I stood in front of the room I'd been directed to.

I knock lightly on the door out of courtesy, and open the door.

In that moment, I sensed a murderous aura and I dove backwards.

A fist whizzed across where I was standing just a second ago,

The assailant responsible was…

“....Mikaze!?”

I never would have suspected it to be him who, to my shock, turned to face me.

“...I was told that humans, when driven into a corner, can no longer do anything but laugh.”

“What… are you talking about…?”

His face lacked any emotion and for a split second, I was afraid of what he was about to do to me.

Even when I slowly backed away and braced myself, Mikaze didn't even move a brow.

His fist whizzed through the air.

I dodged by tumbling on the floor. 

The shoulder of my suit became slightly torn by the mere force of his fist.

“Guh… Mikaze! What the hell did I ever do to you?”

“What you’ve done to me?”

Mikaze tilted his head for a moment.

“Oh, I know…. If I had to pick a reason, I’d say it was because you were born.”

“What!?”

As I turned myself around and put distance between us, I sensed a different kind of bloodlust emanating from behind me.

Mikaze didn't move, and I couldn't afford to turn my attention to this new threat, but could tell from his presence that it was…

“...Shinomiya.”

“Hi! I whipped up a yummy mushroom gratin for you today!”

Of course. 

Managing to just direct my sights in his direction, I knew I'd find Shinomiya standing there with a gentle smile on his face.

In one hand he held a bowl of what looked to be gratin.

In the other, he held a purple mushroom dotted with yellow spots.

“I seriously hope that is not the kind of mushroom it was made with.”

“It’s a rockin’ color and super lovely, isn’t it? Apparently eating these guys will leave you bursting with laughter!”

Wait. Hold on a second.

First to deal with Mikaze, only to face Shinomiya after. I could successfully take them on individually, but together would prove to be a little tougher.

This is the first time I’ve encountered this kind of trouble since fighting alone against the assassins sent after Her Majesty.

I tried to calm my racing heart and work on a strategy to get through it.

In that moment, a single shadow leapt into view.

“Natsuki! Ai! I told you not to do this!”

“Kurusu!!”

Kurusu with his bullet-like speed ran in and tackled Shinomiya.

They fell over together in a heap and Kurusu called out to me with all his might.

“Camus-senpai! I’ll hold them back here, please run!!”

“U-Understood!”

It wouldn't be proper for an aristocrat to flee, but there is no way to avoid it. This was a strategic retreat.

“Reiji and the others are upstairs!!”

“Kurusu… I will never forget this sacrifice. I will look after your affairs when you are dead!!”

“Hold up, who said anything about me dying!?”

I went to run up the stairs, avoiding Mikaze’s pursuit.

Tsukimiya stood on the landing striking a strange pose for some godforsaken reason, eventually being dragged off by Hyuga, but there was no time to worry about the details.

I rushed, out of breath, to the very room I'd been told to go to.

But…

“There’s no one here…?”

Nonetheless...

I still felt something faintly wrong.

….

“Over here!!”

“Ribbit!”

Fully prepared, I threw the rubber ball I had in my pocket (originally intended to help kill time with Alexander), resulting in a part of the wall being ripped open and Kotobuki tumbling out with a frog-like shriek.

“Kotobuki… Was that your Saotome impersonation?”

“Eh, not at all. Well maybe. Something like that…”

I glared at him, and Kotobuki avoided his gaze.

…I can commend him for sensing the threat.

“I will only ask this once. Why did you do it?”

“About that. You see…”

Kotobuki let out a pitiful laugh as he put the tips of both index fingers together in front of his face.

“It was because, well, it’s your birthday, isn’t it?”

“Is that what this is about?”

Yes, it was January 23rd.

Today was my birthday.

Birthdays are one of the most important days for idols when it comes to business. It is impossible to forget.

“Is there a custom in Japan where people harass someone on their birthday?”

“That's not it! We’re all celebrating. We all came together to figure out what would be the best gift to give you.”

“How did that then evolve into this?”

I lowered my voice further, and Kotobuki's eyes shifted even more.

“Then, as we all talked about it, we agreed that giving you "stuff" just wasn't going to cut it.”

At that moment, as Kotobuki was writing the character “no” with his hand, the door to the adjoining room opened and Ittoki peeped out.

I couldn't believe he was here too.

“Look, people will usually consider getting something sweet when it comes to you, right? But that would be too easy.”

“Then when thinking about what to get you thought that maybe you’re the kind of person who’d like to get something for yourself.”

“Hmm… You’re not wrong.”

I nodded in agreement as both Kotobuki and Ittoki alternated speaking.

“And, you know, everyone always pictures you with a crease between the brows.”

“...Yes?”

“So, Rei-chan came up with an idea!”

Kotobuki suddenly raised his head and pointed his finger high in the air in a pose like some protagonist in a hero movie.

“We all came in agreement to give you this one thing, the gift of a smile!”

He moved his hand down to point at me, twirled and threw me a wink.

I felt about ready to pass out.

Kotobuki and Ittoki exchanged a smile of their own between them just as they were.

“We were just hoping to make you smile for your birthday.”

“...Hm. It would make for a nice story, generally speaking, sans the meddling of my affairs.”

“Isn’t it! They say memories are more valuable than material possessions.”

“I had to jump through many hoops to get everyone involved, especially Ai-ai and Shiny. But after talking to them about it, they agreed to participate!”

“How did… you explain the plan to Mikaze and Shinomiya at the time?”

“Hm? To those two? To make you smile. No matter the cost!”

No matter the cost. Hm.

I see…

“Huh? The shoulder seam of your suit’s ripped. What happened?”

“I understand now…”

I slowly clenched my hands into fists.

My shoulders trembled faintly.

“You people just want to see me smile.”

“Y-Yeah. That’s right but…”

“Then allow me to show you to your heart’s content… hehehehe.”

“Eh… Wait… That's not the kind of laughter we were looking for.”

I took a single breath.

Right as I inhale, the door Ittoki had just come through opens again, and this time I catch a glimpse of Hijirikawa and Ichinose wearing aprons.

“Kotobuki-senpai, the birthday dinner is ready….”

“Ah, Camus-san, you’re already here. In that case…”

“You two are in on it too? Noted…”

“Pardon?”

“What…?”

I snapped my fingers as they all looked at each other.

“You all go stand over there right now!!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

—Some time after.

I finished the birthday dinner prepared by Ichinose and Hijirikawa together with all the other fools who’d come and headed home.

It turns out the magazine interview was indeed a lie.

“Damn those fools…”

I suspect they just wanted to use my birthday as an excuse to form connections.

I passed through the forest and stood in front of my home.

If this were any other time, I would open the door without a second thought, but today I feel a little wary.

“Don’t tell me… I wonder if she has something up her sleeve too…”

No, of course she wouldn’t. I cleared my throat and slowly turned the doorknob.

“...I’m back. I brought some food…”

I sensed something off before even setting a foot in the house. 

…Why is it cold inside?

The heat has been turned up since the woman started living in my home, and yet today it was nearly as cold inside as it was outside the tower.

“What is… Is she still not here yet?”

She even carelessly left the front door unlocked.

I raised a brow and made my way to the entrance when Alexander jumped on me.

“Bark bark bark!”

“You’re here. And Haruka…”

From behind him, she quietly emerged.

“Um… Welcome back.”

Her appearance caught me by surprise. 

She dressed like she was going outside, complete with a coat, scarf, and gloves.

Of course she’d look like that given how cold it was.

“There you are. What happened? Did the heater blow out?”

“No… The heater’s not broken…”

“Then go warm up the room. Why are you looking like that?”

It was after all the coldest day of the winter.

Haruka was shivering, probably still cold even with all the layers she had on.

It was then I realized all the windows were fully open.

Why on earth?

“I just… I thought you might enjoy it if the tower were this cold.”

“You did this for me?”

It really was pleasant since it wasn't somewhat lukewarm.

But that shouldn’t be the case for Haruka.

“Well…It’s your birthday, so I wanted to make it comfortable for you. You always put up with higher temperatures for me, so today, I thought to put up with…”

I let out a heavy sigh.

“You too? Don't do something so absurd. There is no need to celebrate anything.”

“B-But. You gave me a present for Christman, I haven’t been able to give you anything for it…”

“That was not a present. You don't even have to thank me.”

I told her to close all the windows and turn the heater on immediately before heading up the stairs to my room.

From behind, Haruka calls out.

“B-But… I baked you a cake, would you like to have some…?”

Good grief…

The whole lot of them.

I let out a small exhale and turned around.

“Well, cake is a completely different story. Did you really think I would ever choose not to indulge in sweets?”

“Thank goodness! I’ll get some for you right away.”

Haruka's face lit up and she shuffled up the stairs in her bulky outfit.

I followed behind her and she took that bulky outfit with her.

“I said you can turn on the heat.”

“But today is a special day.”

Haruka pulled down the scarf she'd wrapped around the lower part of her face, smiled, and removed her gloves to begin serving.

The table was decorated with flowers, and the tableware appeared well selected.

Haruka, in her fluffy coat, pours a cup of tea and cuts a piece of the cake.

The sight was so comical I couldn't help but let out a chuckle.

“Camus-senpai…?”

“Heh… hehe.”

“...I knew it, was this too much…?”

“...Not at all.”

I dismissed the thought with a wave of my hand, and the corners of my mouth turned up once more.

“When you see the others tomorrow, brag to them. You were the only one who could make me laugh today.”

“W-What?”

She blinked, clearly not understanding what I meant, but I wasn't going to explain it to her.

I stood and grabbed the plate from her.

“Give this to me. I can finish preparing. In the meantime, you go change out of those clothes.”

“Wait, but…”

“Let me share something with you. In my country, one's birthday is a day to express their gratitude for being celebrated and entertain those around them. Naturally, they would also be the one who would cook and serve the food.”

“I-Is that so?”

“If you understand now, then go take off that unsightly coat! I’ll turn on the heater!!”

I watched as Haruka rushed off to her room, and I headed for the walls to close the windows.

I stopped when I felt something brush against my leg and found Alexander looking up at me.

“...What. Is it so unusual that I serve the food?”

“Arf.”

“Hm. It is good to do so once in a while. I have never had a birthday celebration like this before.”

I shrugged and headed for the windows again.

[star-mum]

TWD Pilot Live Star Reaction

.... how long did y’all think it’d take me to actually do this? Be honest !

ALRIGHT LETS GO !

I actually think I have watched the first episode of this before but it was lifetimes ago and all I remember is he wakes up from a coma well into the apocalypse

Fun fact: I was not gonna watch this today but as I was looking for a background show that wasn’t Community of B99 I stumbled upon this (I didn’t know it was still on netflix)

Fun fact 2: both my sister And my dad have watched a SHIT TON of this show, neither of them are caught up but they watched a good amount of seasons

Is that thing gonna explode? I just realized I don’t know WHY he’s in a coma/in the hospital

OH MY GOD THE HORSE !!! NO I REMEMBERED THE HORSE !!!! NOOOOO

Is this already apocalypse time? That’s too many abandoned cars

OOP- oh that dead woman is getting up from that fucking car my dude, I can feel it

Is my tv too low or does the pilot start intensely quiet?

A DEAD ZOMBIE CHILD !! .... i guess all zombies are dead huh

Oh my tv is very quiet hold on

DOES HE NOT WAKE UP IN A HOSPITAL ????

Jon Bernthal is in this ???? Does he die early on ? I feel like tumblr would Not let me ignore the presence of this man in this show

Rick (?) very pretty beautiful man, i know he’ll look like SO HOT with the beard but fresh faced like that he’s just Gorgeous

Oh no wife mention.... wonder who dies in the next scene ?

OH YEAH HE HAS A SON !!! I don’t think he dies early, I’ve seen that mop headed kid around here enough times

Cop 3: says something dumb

Rick: what I think Leon, is you gotta stay focused

🤭 alright damn

WERE THEY EVEN GOING FAST ENOUGH FOR THE CAR TO DO ALL THAT ????

OOOOHHH HE GETS SHOT !! That’s why he’s in coma !!

See if I didn’t know about the timeskip I would’ve been gagged at this scene with the flowers and the beard (that’s on cinematography babieee)

Why his tiddies just out like that? (Yes ik he got shot in the chest, cover them up slut)

Kinda insane the hospital is CRAWLING with zombies tbh, i mean it’s Fucked Up dont get me wrong but there should be so much more

ooooohhhh they’re locked up, okay MY BAD CARRY ON

NOT THE SCARY STAIRS IN THE DARK !!! NOOOOO !! i know zombie shit is automatically some type of horror but I didn’t expect this show to so Spooky Scary

This scene is here to remind me that I’d never want to survive in a zombie apocalypse, amount of flies alone is a no from me

Also sorry but this is an hour long pilot with the least amount of lines/dialogue in existence and it’s INCREDIBLY MOVING AND —> the director said cut and Andrew Lincoln heard Cunt

Lori ? Is his wife not dead ? OH is this the plot where the wife and bf stick together and end up in a relationship while he was gone ???? Isn’t there a plot like that in this show ????

A FATHER !!!! This kid is READY TO FIGHT sksksks good for him

I love when ZA media has their own silly little names for zombie

This man has a wedding ring on ;-; did him and his son watch his wife die ? They did 🤧

IS EVERY ACTOR IN THIS SHOW GONNA SERVE ABSOLUTE CUNT IN THESE EMOTIONAL SCENES ????

DAMN ! Reason 2 why I’d never want to survive in an apocalypse: NOT HOT WATER ??? NO SHOWERS ??? Could not be me, I’m not a camping girlie

If Dwayne dies I’ll commit arson

They’re both dying aren’t they ? Oh god the mom is gonna be upstairs isn’t she? At least inside the house somehow

I didn’t even have any smart ass comments that scene was just fucking sad (the mercy killing + dude trying to mercy kill his wife)

OOOOHHH HES HERE !!! BEST FRIEND JON BERNTHAL AINT DEAD YET !!

I think I remember that older guy in their group, I have a feeling he’s gonna be an asshole and betray us tragically

And I was right about the wife x best friend thing !!!!!

Again, that photo reveal would’ve left me gagged had I not Known

When does Negan show up? Just genuinely curious, I’m pretty sure he is The Worst Man in existence in this show

THE HOOOORSEEEE NOOOO !!! Actually cried a little bit, that scene is fucked up

*encourages Rick to shoot a guy sitting inches away from him* he did not think that one through, and neither did it

“Hey dumbass... yeah you in the tank” ... *very confused* is he hallucinating...?

*recognizes the voice and lets out a gasp* GLENN !!!!

.... I MUST SEE HIM ! GODDAMNIT ! Okay starting ep 2 please wish me luck not to stay up all night

Anyways this is always thank to and specially for my bestie, light of my life @tenpintsofsundrop

[localhornist]

“Come on!” Barghest yelled from the water, barely holding on to a thoroughly soaked AJ who yelled every profanity she knew from under her matted hair. This was only met by her being unceremoniously dunked again. A large splash rose from the water as Gudako jumped in, Martha and Percival instead opting to wade their way in. Martha visibly recoiled at the water’s cold touch. Mordred watched, chuckling at that antics until Caeneus next to him caught his eye. There was… a look on his face. One Mordred hadn't seen before.

It looked like fear.

It didn’t take him more than a moment to decide as he sat down on the sand, stretching his back and crossing his legs. Caeneus looked down, giving him a quizzical look even whilst that same emotion remained etched on his face. Mordred just smiled back. “You alright?” Caeneus finally spoke.

“Yeah, jus’ wanted to have a rest for a lil bit.”

“Right.”

Caeneus sat down next to him, their hands quickly finding each other as the others began a game of chicken fight. Off a bit to the side, Lancelot was sat with Rin and Shirou, caught in a heated discussion which Shakes, not too far off, clearly found amusing. There was a peace to it all as the two sat there, the North Sea breeze compelling them to huddle up together.

“You not gonna join them?” Caeneus asked after a whale, tilting his head questioningly at Mordred. “You seemed excited to come down here.”

“Nah, I’m alright. Honestly, Prydish beaches are nowhere near the med ones. It's just all cold and grey.”

“Right.”

“And besides, it's nice and warm next to you.” Caeneus chuckled lightly. But that didn't hide a sudden stiffness. Mordred sighed, realising how his words had sounded and rubbed Caeneus’ knuckles. “Hey, it's alright. Seriously, I don't mind.”

“...are you sure? I don’t want to hold you back from enjoying yourself.”

“Hey, Cae. Look at me. I’m not being forced to sit here, am I? I’m choosing too.” Mordred leaned back on his palms, staring out at the sea. “I know you’ve had bad experiences before with the sea. I don't need to know the details to get that. So the least I can do is make sure you get to enjoy yourself too. Gods know I owe you for all my screw-ups in the past.”

Caeneus was silent at that. Though, some of the stiffness had gone, and Mordred knew not to push. So, once again, they eased back into that peaceful silence, marked by the ebbs of the waves and the various shouts and screams from the sea. Mordred grinned, watching them. Which wasn’t missed by Caeneus.

Suddenly, the Romaioi stood, quickly removing his tunic as Mordred watched in confusion. He didn’t get a chance to ask, however, as suddenly Caeneus scooped him up and took off in a sprint towards the sea. Mordred had barely begun to scream before Caeneus jumped, launching off the ground and over the various swimmers before smashing into the water, releasing a cacophony of sea salt spray. Mordred broke the surface, barely able to see through his now-soaked mane of hair until he felt a pair of arms grab him from behind, pulling him close. Brushing the strands out from under his brow, he saw Caeneus looking down at him with a broad grin. 

“You look like a drowned cat!” He chuckled, slowly bringing them closer to the others after having overshot his leap.

“Hardly surprising when you nearly drown me like that,” Mordred grumbled back with a pout. Caeneus only chuckled again.

…

“How-”

“I know it’s surprising,” Caeneus’ quickly interjected, stopping Mordred's question before it could start. “Honestly, I didn’t expect to be in the water today. I just thought I’d sit by the beach. And I’d probably have been happy like that. It’s what I would’ve done before.

But, I dunno. I guess, having you there next to me. Knowing you’d jus’, do something small like sit with me, to make sure I was okay. It… it made me want to try, I guess. I dunno. Even if it is scary, just having you here helps.” Caeneus finally turned to Mordred, whose face had gone red. Caeneus giggled,  stopping himself so he could put a small kiss on the Briton’s head.

“Sounds kinda sappy, I know. Something I never would’ve thought would happen to me. But it’s true, even if I struggle to believe it now.”

“Yeah. I can agree with you there.” Mordred turned and leaned back on Caeneus’ chest, who planted his chin on his head. “It just… feels unreal. Even with what’s to come, I don't feel scared anymore. Or angry, or guilty. I just feel happy.” Caeneus hummed in agreement.

The two continued to float there, comfortable in each other's silence. Only broken by the rapid beating of Caeneus’ heart, its rhythm like a song to Mordred’s ear as he lay on the man’s chest.

Mordred could listen to it all day.

[pivotbitches]

Narrative Read 3:

Today I read my narrative and was surprised I didn’t cry. I did feel heavy with emotion and teared up a little but nothing came of it.

Notes:

It’s kind of scary how quickly I brush off the role drinking had in our relationship and my life at this point. I noticed that I didn’t even mentioned his drinking and driving, how scary and uncomfortable that was for me, how he never let me drive.

I think every time I read the part about getting brunch I think about my last in person encounter with Trey when he called me “just a fat bitch.” I know I’m overweight, and I enjoy trying new foods and just the experience of eating, especially brunch. But having someone I loved (or thought I did) say that to me after us already having a conversation about food and my eating habits, it really hurt. I have been struggling a little more lately with self image and wanting to lose weight and be healthier so that was a lot harder to read and think about than it has been in the past.

I caught myself thinking I was silly for feeling out of place at the shop in the golf course. I was thinking about beginners mind… I’m pretty sure no one feels comfortable going into a golf club their first time. Especially in the position I was in where I didn’t have my whole closet and didn’t pack clothes for golfing. Of course I had imposter syndrome, anyone would.

I forgot about the sex portion, it hurt a lot more then. I think looking back on it, it’s telling that he had cheated on me. I wish I had said my discomfort with him talking about him and a girl doing what I wanted to do after telling me no. It would’ve been uncomfortable even if I didn’t ask. I just found myself wondering if I could have done something different that he wouldn’t have cheated on my and then we’d still be together… that’s stupid. Is that bad to say about my own thought?

When I talked about feeling bad about sleeping, I was mad at my past self. I was taking care of my needs, but I felt bad about it? Wtf?! Like girly, you were drunk out of your mind, wanting to have sex on a golf course, why would you want to be with his family anyways? Was I spiraling because I wasn’t being social or because I had drank too much, or was it the fact that I let Trey push me to drink when he was supposed to be letting up on the alcohol?

“I was trying to be quiet so no one could hear me.” - I WANT TO HUG HER AND CRY FOR HER SO BAD

Brittany and Logan’s names get me every time, it’s taboo. How can I fix the trauma there? Make a narrative for everyday of that month? Sometimes I wish I could just call Brittany and ask for a doover and tell her everything that happened and how I wish things were different.

I think the most confusing part about Trey was that I know he took antidepressants, but he acted like my depression made no sense. I think my emotions are mixed about the choking. It was so unexpected that it’s almost humorous. I think he really was trying to help and thought it would go differently. At the time I did and didn’t want him to do it (I am now noticing it’s hard for me to say choke me to death or strangle lol). I felt both relief and despair/dread about him letting go. Relief that I was alive still, and that he now knew about the battle in my head. Despair because I still had to live with hating myself and never feeling happy anymore and dread of having a whole life of depression and unhappiness and constantly not knowing if today was the day my intrusive thoughts won.

That’s all for today. I’m proud of myself for reading it and taking the time to dig into my thoughts.

[beann-e]

“ now why would my beautiful girlfriend be with them. Hmm with cheongsan ? “ your body going slack at his tone “ huh baby “

“ it’s not what it looks li—well I was trying to find yo—I—and I —I wanted to be safe “

“ we were together in the lunchroom y/n ? Who kept you safe then huh ? “

“ you “

“ that’s right and who sacrificed other people so you could make it out huh “

“ you “

“ exactly ? So explain it to me — even though I’m the only one who’s apparently made you feel safe —you run over here to feel safe ?? “Your mouth closing shut at his words. You’d been caught. There was nothing you wanted more then to get away from him every single moment you were with him you felt that 10 years were shaved off your life.

In fear that he could kill you at any given time for any reason maybe you didn’t run fast enough , didn’t speak slow enough for him to understand , didn’t kiss him when he wanted one. You were scared. Being with him made you scared

“ what—does cheongsan make you feel safe baby ? Safer then me ? It’s ok you can tell me i was gonna kill him anyways but —“

His eyebrow raising at the unsaid claim and the flinch of your body “ what do I not make you feel safe anymore y/n is that what it is ? You think I’m scary now ? That I’m weird gonna bite you or something now ?? “

“ no it’s not like that I just “

“ you just what —admit it youre scared of me now “

“ it’s not just now “ your voice let out softly

“ what “

“ Ive always been scared of you gwinam “

His face dropping to reveal his real feelings behind the fake face he applied during your relationship his mask only being put on again after a few seconds to hide his emotions

“ no you haven’t that’s a lie why would you be afraid of me we’re dating baby I’d never hurt you “

“ that’s the problem “ your mouth opened in a small yell“ we were dating before any of this everything I had was yours. — there’s no more normalcy there’s zombies and hambies like you how can you say you won’t hurt me ??? How do I know we’re still dating—and if we are it’s not the same guy “

“ because I love you and I’ve never been unfaithful during our relationship nor have I been a bad person so — “

“ you wrote on that—that girls shirt “

“ huh girl ? baby what are you talking about “

“ you wrote on that girls shirt “ voice wavering as you began to be confused by his words. You saw it.

He did. He wrote on some girls shirt in class moments before this whole zombie thing. He wrote on it with whore or slut or — or something. Your brain feeling fried but, wanting so badly for him not to trick you again you couldn’t let him win this time. You would stand your ground.

“ I don’t know what you’re talking abt baby I’ve done a lot of things today to fight for my survival — to fight for our surviva -“

“ no no no no it was before any of this “ you laughed quietly the weapon you held shaking a little in your hand as his eyes went down to the ground and back up to your own “ stop— stop lying you didn’t write slut on her shirt for me— you wrote it because you’re a monster “

“ a monster “ he let a scoff fly from his throat before he wiped his mouth “ let’s not get crazy now ok baby—- before this i was —“

“ before this you were writing I have a good body on a shirt “ His mouth shutting up at your words all the wind being knocked out of him.

How the hell did you know the exact sentence

“ what no disagreement now ? “ your eyes tearing up at the guy you used to trust “ what an asshole “ you cried

His tounge poking the inside of his cheek at your tears cheongsan who stood behind you had been long forgotten along with everyone else , he’d came up here to fight for you with , watching as this unfolded.

A hearty laugh pouring from your boyfrie—exes—mouth as he thought of a way out of this situation with you

“ so what now ? We’re just out here believing everything people tell us huh “ he laughed “ baby I would never do that I love you so so so much so why would I even be thinking about another girls body much less have seen it “

Your mouth dropped at his words causing a small smirk to show up on his face before it quickly dropped

“ I watched you? “ your heart breaking “ did you forget I sit right behind you ? “

His eyes going wide “ shit “ he had forgotten who was in his class his brain all foggy due to the zombie transition. “ I’m — im sorry“ he started taking a step toward you while everyone else took one back “ fucking assholes “ he spoke under his breath

“ you just tried to lie to me you flat out forgot about me —gwinam you scare me “ you felt more tears welling up In your eyes itd been a long day youd lost so many friends your parents were probably gone and then your boyfriend was up here acting crazy following the only person who was helping you stay alive while dodging gwinams pitiful attempts to kill him. “ you really scare me gwinam”

You were overwhelmed

“ don’t worry I don’t have to scare you any longer y/n “ he swallowed “ I mean it— I’m only scary because you’re not in my arms— as soon as I hold you — you won’t be scared anymore “

Your tears dropping fast as you dropped the weapon from in front of you and let it dangle in your hand “ yeah ? “

“ you’re only feeling this way because you’ve been without me for a couple hours baby “

“ you know how much I hate being without you “

“ I know “ he stepped closer “ I know — you hate being around other people you don’t know — I know how much you hate it y/n “

“ but— but I know cheongsan “ you moved to step back as he approached stopping at his next words “ but baby not like you know me“

“ I-“

“ remember our first date ? Because I do— I remember every food you like , you dislike, you can’t stand to smell or even see on a plate “ he moved a little closer “ I remember every movie you love— the ones you know word for word. I know every homework assignment you’ve asked for help on — every teacher you’ve had in your last few years of high school that we’ve been dating —because I’ve walked you to class everyday of every year“

You shook your head at his words “ y/n — baby no one knows you better then I do my love “

“ but— “

“ no one “ his hand coming out to grab yours as he smiled softly when you didn’t fight back “ so you’re gonna tell me the person who knows nothing close to what I know is gonna keep you safe ? “ he laughed “ really ? Do you yourself believe that “

“ well does he really have to know any of that to— “

“ yes — he does — and he doesn’t “

“ oh “ your head moving to rest on his chest feeling the heavy breathes he took and not noticing the small smirk he gave the group behind you “ y/n I can keep you safe ok — just like I have been just like I’ve been doing “

“ but - they kept me safe too “

“ if they really kept you safe then how did I find you so easily“ your body tensed “ imagine if I were a regular zombie ? Should you have been that easy to find ? When have you ever came this close to death like now when you were with me “

“ ne—Never “

“ exactly so — no this prick hasn’t been keeping you safe “ he rested his head on top of yours “ just come back down with me ok“

“O—“

“ y/n don’t leave with him he’s gaslighting you “ cheongsans voice rang out atop the roof and slicing through the heart to heart moment the two of you were having

“ we’ve allowed you to make you own timely rational decisions since you’ve been with us —are you sure you want to give that up “

He swallowed eyes stuck on the back of your head that rested against your boyfriends chest “ are you sure you want to go back to being spoken for — criticized — talked about ? —we all seen it”

everyone shaking their heads in agreement behind you “ we all seen the way he treated you like an object over the last few years guarding you as if he were your guard dog —but “

He shook his head softly no matter if you could see his small smile or not “ he doesn’t know you in the way we do — in the way —I’ve gotten to know you “

Your heart jumped at his words beating a little faster gwinams eyebrows furrowing looking down on you as he felt it thump louder against his chest “ so — even if it sounds a bit selfish “

he laughed a little at his words “ can you please just stay with me — I won’t learn or know everything about you like gwinam does but “ his face set in determination “ I will learn what you want me to all while putting my life on the line to keep you safe “

Your mind swirled at the thought. At everything you’d been through up until this point. What the hell were you gonna do and who the hell were you gonna choose.?

[silverdelirium]

hi! can you do one where draco and the reader are married (don’t make them old please make them like the married rich pretty milf and dilf couple), and they have a daughter. anyway, draco is out because of work/something else (it’s up to u) and the reader is with their daughter and they get into a small fight and the daughter says something really bad/hurtful to the reader (her mother) and the reader like gets sad (make it bad so it can be dramatic😏) and when draco gets home he finds the reader like crying (smoking too bc a milf smoking is hot but if you don’t want to add it it’s fine) and yeah basically the rest is up to you :)) ily hope ur well and fine. <3

CIGARETTES & INSECURITIES | D.M

thank you hoe @selenesheart for helping me with the title ily

warnings: anxiety, lowkey panic attack, insecurities of being a bad mother, mean child, smoking, angst w a happy ending

———

draco’s hurried steps were heard echoing across the hallway as he rapidly made his way downstairs, cussing his boss out under his breath for calling him on a fucking Sunday. the same sunday he was about to spend basking in the love of his wife and child, all expectations now turned to mush.

“i’m sorry i have to go, my love. call me if you need anything, okay?” spoke draco, tone soft as he held your face in his hands, giving you one last sad smile before pressing a sweet kiss on your lips.

you gave him a feeble nod in response with a reassuring smile, watching him storm off in long strides, still swearing in hushed whispers and with a flick of his wand, he was gone.

you instantly took notice of how intense the atmosphere got around the manor- almost scary. deadly quiet with your four-year-old toddler still asleep and big curtains blocking any sunlight from coming in.

it almost caused goosebumps to rise on your arms as if the universe was already warning you of the day you were gonna have to deal with today.

maybe the first bad thing to happen today was being woken up by draco’s phone going off like crazy with calls of his boss and endless text messages of his colleagues.

it didn’t matter though, you had other things to worry about. your toddler was already walking down the stairs with a sleepy stare as she made her way to you, immediately taking notice of how there was no trace of draco, and looking around for any signs of her father.

“hi there” you greeted, giving her a sympathetic smile when she asked for draco, her small body already wrapped around your torso. a small sigh with a brief explanation of a work emergency was given to her. her sour mood amplifying a tenfold for every word that left your mouth.

she stayed quiet for a moment, and just as you started beaming at the thought of calming a daddy’s girl- she sobbed heavily in your ear, clinging hard to you but still screaming for draco.

a grimace found its way to your face along with a sorrowful expression as you shushed her down, tracing your fingers down her spine; a small trick you always did to relax her in days like this.

her sobs quieted down but she still cried silently in your shoulder, hot tears rolling down her face that had you questioning whether you should call your husband or not, the thought accompanying the insecurity of being a terrible mother who can barely keep her child tranquil.

after a few minutes of letting her pour all her emotions out, you made a path to the kitchen and sat her down on the barstool, wiping her tears away as she huffed in what seemed to be an angry expression.

“would you like some breakfast, baby?” you spoke, tone soft and slow as to not aggravate the situation.

“i want daddy”

“he’s- he’s not here right now” you tried to reason, watching as she took a deep breath but said nothing.

you turned around to head for the stove. but your ears caught a small murmur of “you’re the worst” coming from none other than your daughter.

a thunder-struck look adorned your face, blinking back the tears that found their way to your waterline.

ever since you found out you were pregnant, the anxiousness of being a not good enough mom had filled you in seconds, thinking of the worst scenarios possible throughout the pregnancy. draco was always there to ease your nerves a bit, yet, never quite pushing them away completely.

and jesus- did that simple three-word sentence stung painfully at your heart.

you stayed frozen in place for a few moments before taking a deep breath and quickly collecting yourself, continuing your errands around the kitchen as you made an effort to ignore the way your hands became clammy and heartstrings were pulled harshly in your chest.

the rest of the day went painfully slow, your daughter completely ignoring you and just curling up on the couch or playing in her room, always slamming the door in your face whenever you attempted to talk to her. your back also aching from having to do all house chores by yourself. every once in a while getting a text message from draco, rushed typos of “i love you” and “i’m gonna be there soon”.

——

the clock read 6:07 P.M and you held the cigarette to your lips with shaky fingers, tears blurring your vision as all the frustration from today came crashing down at once.

sobs rocked through your body as you inhaled the smoke and blew it out past your nostrils. warm, thick tears not coming to a halt even once.

your cries muffled every sound around you. not taking notice of draco who was now frantically searching for you, already finding your daughter safe and asleep on the couch. yet you were nowhere to be found.

it took one look at the cigarette package on the dining table for draco to locate you. he knew about your anxiety and how bad it got when triggered.

his heart ached and fists clenched at his side as he turned to his baby girl, snuggling her deeper into the thick fluffy blanket before making his way to the porch where you sat with a hand to your sternum, big clouds of smoke fogging the air around you.

“oh, baby” he sympathized, not giving you time to react as he enveloped you in a big hug, feeling the way your curled your fists on his shirt and sobbed quietly, taking ragged breaths every once in a while.

after a few minutes of taking shallow breaths, you pulled your head back from his chest, just enough to stare at his face, his bright grey eyes running down every feature you had, almost like he was studying it.

“what happened today?” he whispered, closing his eyes and connecting his forehead with yours.

you released a breath through your nose and lit off the cigarette on the small table next to you before explaining every small detail from today to draco, a few tears escaping at some points.

once you were done, draco removed his head from yours, pulling back and displaying both of his palms on your cheeks, observing your tear-stained face made him ache with sorrow.

“my love” he started “you are the world’s greatest mother to ever exist, a bad day with your child does not define your abilities as a mom. she loves you, we all do. you don’t know how fuzzy she gets when you’re not here.”

his words made a small smile crack through your lips, buzzing nerves slowly weighing down after every syllable he spoke.

“we would all be doomed if it wasn’t for you. every parent has a bad day, do not beat yourself up for it, it happens to the best of us.” he finalized, chest swelling with pride once he saw how you were full-on beaming, puckering your lips like a silent sign for a kiss which he gladly provided.

“i love you” you mumbled against his mouth.

“i love you more” he responded.

———

🏷: @spencervera @methblinds @marrymetheonott @adrianscumslut @wh0re4blaise @turn-to-page-394-please @fredshufflepuff @malfoysbiitch @saggyb1lls @selenesheart @metaraxia @dracoslittlesluttyprincess @dracomalfoys-wh0re @dlmmdl @fleursbabe @riddleswh0r3crux @lolooo22 @darlingmalfoy @littlemissnoname13 @i-love-scott-mccall @underappreciated-spoon-321 @steveharringtonswhore @dracosafety @dracoscum @riddleswh0rekrux @laceycallisto @slytherinbabess @lostaurorax @alexavolturisblog @s1ater @marauderswh0re1 @starless-starkov @black-rose-29 @tattooedkermit @purpleskymalfoy @emma67 @mypainistemporary @mauvea @teenwolfbitches28 @lissa-duh @paniicing @rav3nclawwhore @yagamigf

[check your private settings if i wasn’t able to tag you]

[skyfallslayer]

Cherry || Chapter 2: A Red Awakening

Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Series

Series Masterlist

Ao3 link

Character Cards: 001 002 003 004 005 006

🍒Series Summary: As a superhero, you always believe in the good that comes with it, and the feeling of bringing hope to people's eyes makes your heart flutter. That is… Until you witness your teammates murdering your husband. Now your world is upside down, and the people you once deemed your enemies are offering you some help. Will you take the bait? Or bury your head in the sand?

🍒Chapter Summary:  You’re “kidnapped” by a group of people claiming to be on your side; But you're having doubts about what’s even real or what’s even fake.

🍒Date: 9/4

🍒Rating: Explicit

🍒Word Count: 4415

🍒Warning: Talks of blood; Talks of Vomit; Scenes of Delusions/Denial; Talks about Death/Murder; Possible OOC(?). READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! Let me know If I missed anything.

🍒A/N: So sorry this took so long! That was never my idea, I just had a crazy writers block after writing half of this chapter. Hopefully I don't go so long again. Anyway, Enjoy!

Whoever had their hand over your mouth was strong enough to muffle your screams. Your fight or flight senses kicked in heavily as you were pulled quickly through one of the rooms in the warehouse. You felt your powers starting to surge, the balls of your feet desperately digging into the concrete, your hands trying to claw this person off of you. You managed to finally get an elbow or two in your capturer’s ribcage, and heard them hold back a hiss of pain, but their grip never loosened to your dismay. Your eyes widened in fear again.

I’m fucked. You thought, your mind racing a mile a minute again.

I’m fucked. I’m dead. I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going—

“Stop struggling. I’m on your side.” A husky voice whispered into your ear, sending visible shivers down your spine.

Shivers.

Oh, Jesus… you were really off your game now. But can you blame yourself though?

You felt the person’s lips against your ear again, pulling you closer.

“Now, I’m going to let go, but you can’t scream because if you do then we're both done for.” They continue, sternly and… gently? That’s odd. “Nod if you understand, okay?”

Strangely you find yourself actually doing it, and soon the hand slips off slowly, and so does the grip around your waist. You felt the person take a very small step back, which you used as an opportunity to turn around, face this odd person of a threat.

You were met with a tall man, taller than your… well… 

You choked down the nonexistent bile.

Your… your husband. Yeah. He was taller than your husband, and even in the poor moonlight, you could see this man had the deepest, yet brightest blue eyes you have ever seen. Richer than your friend John. He had chestnut hair pulled in a half bun; Stubbles too on his face. A very… manly-man so to speak. Intimating looking, scary even, but the eyes can always hold your true emotion; And his were just as soft as ever. 

You tried to speak, to mutter something before he made a motion for you to stay quiet. He soon mouthed the words, ‘Follow me’, and usher you to come. For some, maybe dumb, reason you did. You followed him through the shadows of the warehouse and back out into the open, where you were suddenly met with a suspicious looking van.

Your breath caught in your throat as you froze on the spot. 

Oh no fucking way. I really am going to die today–

“Hey.” He says, stepping into your view. “I know it doesn’t look promising, but it is. So, ma’am, I need you to trust me and get in the van. We need to leave before they find us. Please. Trust me.”

Your heart flutters shockingly. Your chest felt warm for a millisecond; And once again, stupidly you nodded and followed. What you weren’t expecting was him to open the back door so quickly and shove you inside. He climbed in right behind you afterwards, slamming the door.

“We gotta go, Sam, it’s fucking bad.” He says, making your head snap up and off the ground.

You realized you two weren’t alone. You watched as the driver flicked his attention back at the two of you for a split second before slamming on the accelerator. You fell flat on the ground again, but not long after you felt his hands on your biceps, helping you to sit up. 

You nearly jerked away when you saw someone sitting right across from you, which so happens to be a young looking boy; A teenager to be exact, one who was typing away on his laptop. Your (Y/E/C) eyes meet his soft brown ones for a split second, and he gives you a quick reassuring smile before resuming his work.

You surely felt yourself blinking a few times.

Why was there a child here? 

“Peter, status?” The man who saved you asked.

“We’ve got 60 seconds until the camera loop ends, just enough time to grab her bike.” The teenager, Peter, replies.

That got you out of your trance a little. “M-My bike?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna grab your bike, clear up the evidence that you were there.” The man answers. 

“B-But… what about the crowd? There were tons of people standing around when I got there.”

“They’ll be distracted by the ‘heroes’ cars. It’ll be fine.” He reassures, venom in his words as his hand rests on the back door. “Steve, help me out.”

This guy, Steve obviously, arose from the passenger seat and passed by you, apologizing quietly before reaching for the door as well.

“Might want to sit back some more.” Peter says to you before facing his boss. “30 seconds, open the door.”

Your body jerked against the wall as the brakes were applied, the back door springing open. You briefly watch as the man and Steve pull your motorcycle in as quickly as they could before slamming the door shut. 

“Sam, go!”

Another step on the gas, and you impact the wall with your body. Then…

You were off into the unknown.

•°•°•°•°•°

If you were being honest, you zoned out for most of the ride. It was pretty fucking stupid of you to do so, but I guess you can call your current mental state the “processing” stage with all the shit that’s just happened. You had stayed quiet as the four of them were muttering something a mile a minute, something you couldn’t quite understand or hear (Or maybe you chose not to).

Eventually the van came to a complete stop. Where exactly? You were unsure. And there was a part of you that started to become fearful again because maybe these people weren’t exactly your saviors like they promised. You watched as they all started scrambling out of the vehicle, Peter tucking his laptop under his arm and holding his free hand out towards you. You could see the genuine care in his young features, making your heart flutter as you did take it without hesitation.

As he helps you out of the van, you take this opportunity to take in the surroundings. If this was their hideout/lair/headquarters (Whatever you want to call it), it desperately needed some kind of update. From the looks of it, this place could be anywhere from a warehouse to a giant garage of some sort, seeing that the structure was made out of nothing but concrete. No windows as you can see, but there was a metal staircase leading up to a man-made loft (Was that even safe?). And when you took one whiff of the place…

Ew. Definitely smells like boys live here, with a hint of water damage. 

You swallow, unsure what to make of this. You were also unaware as the four men crowded behind you, waiting. But when they noticed you weren’t giving them the light of day, the man who saved you cleared his throat, giving you a reason to look back. Oh, no… your emotions were starting to swirl.

“Alright, ma’am, listen–” He begins.

“What the fuck’s going on?!” You suddenly reply, your outburst surprising even yourself (I guess your processing stage was finally over). “Where am I?! And who the fuck are you?!”

He holds his hands up, trying to show off that he was no threat. “Relax, you're in our base of operations. My name is Bucky.”

You raise a skeptical eyebrow. “Bucky?”

What kind of name is that?

“Yes.” He gestures to his teammates. “These are my friends. The blonde’s Steve; The driver’s Sam, and the kid’s Peter.” They all muttered ‘Hi’ in some kind of way. “And you are…?”

Your shoulders slack at that. You realized they didn’t know who you were. 

Good.

You straighten up again. “Y/N.” 

“Y/N.” Bucky says, happy you're complying. “Nice to meet you. If you’ve got any questions? Ask away. I’m sure you have many.”

You nod slowly, reading to soak up any bit of info about these individuals. “Who exactly are you people?”

“We’re the Avengers. We…” He takes a quick second to find the right words. “Expose and stop, and if necessary, kill corrupted supes.”

You felt yourself blink a few times. You were not expecting that. “What?”

“You heard us correctly, Ma’am. We’re an anti-supe group.”

An anti-supe…what? You felt your heart pick up at those words. Your mind wanders to when you almost activated your powers in the warehouse. You wonder if you’d be dead by now if you did. 

“Anti-supe?” It still felt weird to say. In fact, you wonder if you ever said those words before. You dared to ask the next question. “W-why kill them?” 

“Because a good chunk of them, especially the ones on the fucking Thunderbolts team, have villainous intentions that need to be stopped.”

“We’ve been hired by the CIA to do so.” Sam adds, like it was supposed to make this situation better (Does it though?).

You were shocked beyond words. You really weren’t expecting that. “The CIA hired you? Th-They made this group?”

How could they… Your breath got caught in your throat at a morbid thought.

Oh god… They’re planning to actually kill us.

“But…” Your mind flashes back to earlier again. Your husband is crossing your thoughts. “T-The people I saw… the Thunderbolts, they… th-they killed one of their own.”

“Battlestar probably flipped the script. So Crossbones, Glamour and Killmonger decided to finish him off.” Sam explains, his words hurting you deeply. 

“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened before.” Steve says, adding more salt into the wound.

“B-Before…?” You mumbled in disbelief. 

I guess I really don’t know my teammates after all. Or… my husband if that really is true.

You looked ill after thinking that, and I guess they noticed rather quickly.

“Look–” Bucky says, taking a cautious step forward. “I know what you witness is horrible, and I know this a lot to take in as well, but unfortunately I have to ask you to keep this all a secret.”

You blinked for the millionth time today. “What? What the hell do you mean by that?”

“It means you can’t go to the police.”

You scoff. “Can’t go to the police, huh? Sir, I just witnessed three people killing someone and you’re asking me to keep quiet about it?”

“Ma’am, Listen–”

“You’re insane! I have to go to the police! I have to tell them what I saw! I have to tell him that they… they…”

That they killed my husband.

Bucky gives you an empathetic look. “I know. But the Thunderbolts have some cops under their thumbs. If you go to the wrong one and tell them what you saw, they’ll kill you on the spot, make your death look like an accident or even a suicide. Trust me, I’ve seen it first hand. I’m trying to save you from that kind of fate.”

You swallow, your throat feeling dry. “So… what do you expect me to do?” You asked, eyes starting to sting with unshed tears. Your emotions are starting to appear at full steam as the adrenaline seeps away.

“Well, you could stay here with us. We can–”

“No.” You shake your head. “No, no, no. I… I-I can’t. I can’t. I-If I just up and disappear there will b-be people looking for me and…” You sigh trying to calm yourself. “I’m sorry.”

I-I can’t leave. Not yet. I can’t until I…

“It’s okay. I understand.” Bucky says, smiling softly that it didn't quite match the expression in his eyes. “We can figure something else out.”

“Actually, boss. There was no activity outside. It’s safe to just take her home.” Peter cuts in, sending you a much brighter smile than Bucky did (this kid really knew what heart strings to hit).

“Yeah. We can just take you home. Straight home if that’s what you would like instead. We’ll do whatever you’re comfortable with.”

You clenched and turned away, your hand running through your hair. You really didn’t know what to think of this. You didn’t really know if you can even trust these people. And after everything you witnessed a little while ago, you wonder if you could ever trust anyone again.

You faced them again, still weary. “Fine. You can just take me home.”

But I’ll be keeping my guard up.

“Alright.” Bucky said, gesturing to the van with his head. “I’ll drive you.”

“I’ll go with you too just in case.” Sam replies, following. 

You held your breath as you trailed behind, but before you crawled into the back, you felt the teenager’s hand tugging on your sleeve. 

“I know this is scary, Miss, but trust me when I say this, that we really are trying to help you. Just remember that.” Peter said, with a smile that could warm anyone up.

You return the expression as he lets your arm go, backing up next to Steve to give you some space that you greatly appreciated. You climbed into the back and closed the door, scooting next to your bike. You watch Bucky get into the driver’s seat, Sam in the passenger, both sharing a quick look before driving off. You hugged your knees, both to stabilize your emotions and your powers surging at your fingertips. You could hardly breathe at the tension you felt inside the van. A tension that you decided that might be necessary.

Just keep your guard up. Just keep it up. You chanted to keep yourself sane.

A long time had passed before Bucky spoke out of the blue.

“So where exactly do you live? I want to make sure I’m going the right way.” 

You cast a look at the windows on the back doors, noticing the black tinting on them and frowned.

“Just… Just drop me off anywhere on 11th street.” You reply, and hug yourself a bit more. 11th street is where the restaurant you were supposed to go to tonight was on. There was no way you could tell them to go to the tower. If they find out who you really are, you’ll probably end up dead.

“11th?” Bucky said, surprised. “Look, I just drop you off at–”

“If you want me to trust you, then you have to trust me. Drop me off at 11th.”

You watched the two men share a look again before you felt the car turning into what you assumed was the direction you asked. A long moment passed again before you felt the van pulling up next to a curb, Sam telling you that you were here. You said nothing as you shifted and opened the two doors, your hands soon resting on your bike handles–

“Here.” Bucky says, holding out a small slip of paper. “This is my number.”

You carefully take it, eyes reading it over still not muttering a word. You hear him sigh, but not one of frustration, just concern.

“Look, I would appreciate it if you could text me in the morning, just to make sure you’re okay. Then after that, you can burn if you like. You’ll never have to hear or see us again. Okay?”

You swallow and nod slowly once more, tucking the number away before cautiously taking your bike out of the van. You met his gaze one last time, replying with,

“And please don’t follow me, because I will know.” You close one door, and flash a very, very small smile. “Thank you.”

You close the other one, and snag your helmet to put on. You felt the van behind you pull away into the night,  and you waited a minute or two before surveying the area. When you realize that they were actually gone, then that’s when you hopped onto your bike and rode to the place you were dreading to go.

•°•°•°•°•°

You almost broke into tears on the way over there. Almost puked into your helmet at the horrible scene waiting for you. You still prayed that this was fake. A dream. Your worst nightmare. But as you rode up to where you found John’s car parked behind Brock’s, you saw your car you lent to your friend along with a bunch of police vehicles.

Your heart sank as you saw the yellow tape hung up everywhere, with men and women in blue trying to usher the heavy crowds away. You rode your bike until you couldn’t anymore, parking it and throwing your helmet off as you started swimming into the crowd. You felt your heart beating in your ears, your mouth going dry, your emotions going into absolute overdrive. 

You jogged up right to the police tape, right up the barrier dividing you and the terrible crime scene. Your mind was still trying to deny it all, even after you found yourself locking eyes with John who looked almost as a mess as you. You tried taking a step towards him, but you felt an officer's hand against your chest, telling you to stay back.

“Hey! Let her through! She works at the tower!” John calls out. A white lie, sure. But he couldn’t exactly shout your secret ID to a lot full of superfans.

His words were all it took for you to be let through. As you ran up towards him, shaking your head, still trying to fucking deny everything.

“John… don’t tell me it’s…” You said, barely getting the words.

Please tell me I hallucinated everything. Please tell me I’m just crazy. Please tell me–

But when he shakes his head with a sorry expression, your whole world collapses.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I saw the body. It really is, Lemar.” 

"No…" You start crying just as he starts pulling you into his arms. “No, No, No, No, No, No…” He starts gently stroking your hair as you sob. “H-How… w-what…?”

You’re not sure why you even asked because you knew what happened; But maybe, just maybe, you hoped it was still hoped that the murderers you saw were someone else. You feel his chest move tightly, like he was sucking in a shaky gulp of air before speaking.

"Lemar had picked up something suspicious on the way back to the tower and decided to check it out.” John starts explaining, holding you a little tighter. “Not long after, he sent a distress beacon for one of us to pick up, but when they arrived they found his body."

You sobbed again. "They?" 

"Yeah, Brock, Agatha and Erik were in the area.”

As soon as he said that, you peaked over his shoulder just in time to see the three of your teammates stepping out of the building, wearing sorrowful expressions that made your insides ache. Those… those bastards were trying to act like they fucking care about your husband. They–

“I'm sorry. We'll find out who did this, Y/N." John promises with all his heart. A promise you know he’ll keep to his very end.

As much as you wanted to start screaming and lunge after them, you were just so emotionally drained that eventually your legs gave out…

And you passed out in John’s arms.

•°•°•°•°•°

You closed the door with the strength you had left. When you had awoken not too long ago, you were riding in the passenger seat of John’s car, and instead of breaking the ice (no matter what the circumstances were) like you always do, you just stayed silent; Your eyes so distant as you stared out the window. When you got back to the tower, you ignored everyone on your way back to your apartment. If Lemar’s death was done differently, you think you would have craved the pity and condolences everyone was giving you; But the fact that he was killed by the people you considered family, well…

You weren’t sure who you could trust anymore. You could trust John, that was for sure, but the rest of your teammates? 

Hell-fucking-no.

You weren’t even sure if you could trust the workers in the building. 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you had, and mustered up some more energy to push yourself away from the door; Standing tall yet shaky and nauseous. You bite your tongue to try to stop yourself from puking, To stop the dizzy spell. You had to take a shower. You had to wash off the muck and the nonexist blood. You could still see the blood all over your husband’s body, it’s–

You gag and cover your mouth. 

Shower. I just need to shower. You tell yourself, and take wobbly steps towards the bathroom. You desperately wanted to stay in hot water, laying against the cool tiles, laying for hours until—

.

.

.

.

He squeezes your hand. “Listen, just in case this mission goes south, or… I-I don’t make it to dinner tonight-” Another squeeze. “Promise me that you won’t come looking for me right away.”

.

.

.

.

You froze.

Wait…

You turn to look at your closet, still half way opened and begging you to take another look inside. Your mind flashed to the suitcase, the passports. You remember the confusing thought of why he even had those out. But now, after what you just witnessed, it was all starting to make sense.

You practically ran towards the closet.

.

.

.

.

“Oh, Lemar, Lemar, Lemar.” Brock said, kneeling before him. “Oh, Lemar, if only you just kept your nosy ass out of our business, then none of this would have happened. Honestly. The truth is–”

He touches your husband’s face, making him wince painfully, continuing, “I never really wanted to kill anyone on my team. I really do see so much potential in all of you, it’s insane.” 

.

.

.

.

You ripped open the empty suitcase, searching through all the pockets and zippers you can find for anything. Anything that can give you a clue on what your husband predicted.

What did you find out, Lemar? You asked the air, slamming the suitcase closed before searching through your passports.

What did you find out that made our teammates kill you? What did you find? You found nothing and sprung to your feet. From there you started tearing apart your husband’s side of the closet, making a mess all over the floor.

Give me something! You gotta give me something, honey. Please! You begged while tightening your jaw.

.

.

.

.

His light laughs made your stomach turn in a way they’ve never done before. It made you physically ill on many levels.

.

.

.

.

You raced around the room, opening and looking for anything that was Lemar’s, praying and praying that you’ll find something. Even if it was the smallest clue in the world, you’ll still fucking take it.

.

.

.

.

“However…” Brock rants on, his grin starting to falter a bit. “You just had to do this. You just had to figure out how the game is really played. You had to play God. Well–” He pulls him closer. “That’s going to cost you, my friend.”

You clenched your fists, trying to keep your nerves calm as you searched for an opening to interfere.

.

.

.

.

You empty out drawers, boxes, his side of the bed, under the mattress, the covers, Anything. But you were running out of options. You only had one thing of his left.

His laptop.

You had a small spark of hope as you turned it on.

.

.

.

.

Brock’s grin grew again, even more sinister than before, with an unnerving proposition behind it. “But don’t worry, I’ll make sure your wife’s taken care of. I’ll make sure to be there when she needs me. I’ll hold her at your funeral, and I’ll whisper the comforting things she wants to hear. And maybe…”

.

.

.

.

You typed in his password, the words so personal that they struck a cord but you pushed it aside, waiting for the home screen to appear.

.

.

.

.

He licks his lips at a sudden thought. “Maybe she’ll let me in enough to take care of her. Show her what a real man is. You know?”

As your eyes shined purple for flight—

.

.

.

.

When the screen finally loaded, you froze again.

.

.

.

.

You watched as Brock snapped Lemar’s neck with ease.

.

.

.

.

You slammed the laptop closed, not even thinking about the damage you may have caused to it. 

Encrypted.

The whole funking laptop was encrypted. The words on the screen, the files, and even the fucking search engine was encrypted to something you couldn’t even read. You were frustrated. Beyond frustrated. Whatever your husband had discovered was well hiddened on his screen. 

Damn it. Damn it! You metally sigh, closing your eyes and laying your forehead against the cold surface of the desk. You were pissed because you were no hacker. How the hell were you supposed to decrypt this?

Funny you think this because your brain suddenly reminds you of a certain teenage boy you met not too long ago. He was a hacker from the looks of it.

Could he…? You shake your head at such a bad idea. 

What the hell am I thinking? He works in an anti-supe team. I’m on top of their food chain. They’ll kill me if they find out who I am. 

Yet, there was still a very small percentage of your brain telling you to go for it. To give that Bucky guy a call, to set up a meeting, to tell them who you are and what really happened.

Maybe… if I tell them who Lemar is to me, they’ll take pity? But you couldn’t see into the future, you couldn’t predict the outcome. For all you know it could go completely sideways.

You groan loudly, throwing your head back, hands in your hair.

I’m sooooo fucked.

You racked your brain for some answers. Who could trust? What should be your next move? Who could you call? You go back and forth between many names, but there’s one that comes to mind many times out of all of them. And after witnessing the death of your husband, that name made your blood boil.

You pick up your phone and dial the number by heart. Your foot was tapping in rhythm with the ringing. You heard a familiar voice on the other side.

‘SHIELD International, This is Sitwell. How may I transfer your call?’

You swallow the anger you started to feel, but you felt it still simmering at the surface. You clenched your fist and said,

“Put my father on the phone.”

_____________________________________________________________

-Taglist-

@marvelouslovely-barnes @daddyavesxx

[floralseokjin]

⤑ made-up love song ix.

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire. 

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader   au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, angst, soojung and oc’s mother being the best, minor food mention (not feeling hungry when stressed), hope, the tiniest bit of fluff, a cliffhanger of sorts!  words; 6,161 

Read Seokjin’s chapter ix here

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii  • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

Soojung found you curled up on the sofa a few hours later when she came home from work. You’d tried watching television, hoping the distraction would be successful but your mind just wouldn’t switch off, replaying the day’s earlier events. You didn’t want to think just yet but that’s all your mind could do. Going around and around in circles. Hearing Soojung’s keys in the door you felt a wave of nausea knowing you’d have to talk about it. Not that you didn’t want to confide in your best friend, it was just explaining everything meant that it was all real… 

She stuck her head around the door, sounding momentarily confused. “What are you doing back already? I wasn’t expecting you until la– Y/N?” She caught the look on your face immediately and just like she knew something was up. She rushed over. “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Instantly you felt your face crumble, tears blurring your vision. “It’s stupid really,” you insisted, wiping your eyes as she came to join you, a protective arm wrapping around your shoulders. The small action at least made you feel a little better. “I don’t understand why I’m crying.” You hadn’t felt the need to cry until now. Maybe it was because you could always be vulnerable with your best friend. You didn’t need to be strong. She’d seen you at your worst. 

“Did…Did you guys argue?” She sounded unsure, confused as to what could be the issue. 

You sniffed, composing yourself. “No. Not really,” you let out a groan, “oh, god, Soo. It was awful. Seokjin’s ex-wife turned up…” 

You spent the next fifteen minutes telling her what happened, although a lot of it was a blur of raised voices and insults. One thing you knew for certain though, was that you’d never felt so awkward in your entire life. You’d watched your boyfriend arguing with his ex-wife feeling so incredibly out of the loop it was embarrassing. 

You’d never demanded to know every single detail about his marriage – you hadn’t even wanted to know. It wasn’t your business after all, nor did you want Seokjin to relive things he didn’t want to, or dwell on the past. You understood that more than anyone, what with your relationship with Donghae, but he’d openly revealed a lot to you. He’d confided in you, shared some hurtful details of his divorce and in turn you had entrusted him with your own past, your own bad memories… 

There had been many surprises this afternoon, but one certain revelation kept replaying in your head. It was all you could think about. To learn he’d left out something as major as getting cheated on… Having to find out like that… You were still reeling from the bombshell. Why hadn’t he told you? You’d both been through the same thing… Didn’t he trust you enough? You didn’t understand and you couldn’t stop yourself from feeling hurt. 

“You don’t think he’s still in love with her, do you?” Soojung asked hesitantly. 

“No,” you shook your head. Regardless of the mess that were your thoughts right now, you didn’t think that at all. Yes, it was easy to let your doubts take over in the first few moments you’d set eyes on Nana, she was beautiful, although you hadn’t expected anything less, but you knew not to feel paranoid when it came to that. Regardless of today’s shock, you didn’t doubt Seokjin’s feelings for you, and you knew very well he no longer loved his ex-wife. 

“I think he’s just very bitter about everything,” you continued. “Mostly about how infrequently she sees Arin.” 

“Do you think it’s a problem?” 

Shrugging slightly, you didn’t really know what to say. “She’s been seeing her quite often lately. There was last weekend, but it shouldn’t have been that much of an issue.” Seokjin hadn’t been angry over that, or at least he hadn’t let on he was… Maybe he had and had just hid it well. With that thought, you remembered something. “It was just her face… while Seokjin was saying all those things to her. She looked so upset… I’ve never seen him like that.” 

It had been jarring seeing him so angry. He was usually soft-spoken and well-mannered. Even when he was irritated he stayed silent. You understood that he was only human, everyone had emotions, and his had bubbled over today, but it was still surprising. You hadn’t been expecting to be in the middle of a shouting match between him and his ex-wife. 

“But you knew they didn’t get on?” Soojung gently prodded, rubbing your upper back. 

“Yeah.” You swallowed. “Just seeing it in person… I can’t believe he didn’t tell her about us.” 

Your mind was all over the place, unable to concentrate on one issue for long enough. You really had been living in your own little world this entire time. So incredibly happy and blissfully content. It had been so easy to forget that Nana existed when it came to your relationship with Seokjin. To you, she was just Arin’s mom, who she spoke about sometimes, but not very often, in your presence. It was easy to put her to the back of your mind, it was easy not to think of her at all. Why would you? You didn’t even know what she looked like until today. All the photos you’d seen of a younger Seokjin, of Arin as a baby, had never once included her. You knew who she was, knew her name, but that was all. 

So you’d just assumed she knew about you too. You’d assumed Seokjin had told her without needing any confirmation. You’d assumed she’d known that you would be looking after Arin last weekend. You’d assumed she was perfectly fine with it. In reality she had no clue you existed. You were almost certain Seokjin hadn’t done it maliciously, he wasn’t that type of man, but seeing him today, how casually he had brushed off her concerns… As much as it had hurt to be thought of as a stranger, you understood why that was the case. Seokjin hadn’t. As stubborn as always, he refused to see where he had done wrong. 

“That is a bit odd,” Soojung agreed. “And even though she was a bitch to you, I guess I’d be pissed too if I found out the way she had.” 

You snorted softly. Soojung had been ready to fight when she’d first heard the things Nana had said to you, but she knew you were fine, you could handle yourself. “Ugh, it’s all such a mess,” you groaned. “I would’ve never looked after Arin last weekend if I’d known Nana had no clue.” You should have made sure. Why hadn’t you?

“I guess Seokjin had his reasons,” Soo reasoned. “Maybe he knew how his ex would react.” 

“Maybe,” you agreed before sighing. “I don’t know. There’s things he never told me either.” Maybe you were finding out that Seokjin was a very secretive person, who knew… “She cheated on him, Soo.” You were back there again. Soojung hummed in understanding. “Is it silly of me to be upset?” 

“No, it’s valid.” 

“I told him about Donghae,” you whispered. “I really opened up to him and he was so sweet and understanding. Why didn’t he tell me he’d been through the same thing?” No matter how many times you went through it in your head you couldn’t think of an answer. It didn’t make sense. Especially because he’d opened up to you so easily in regard to everything else. What made this so different?

“Maybe he just didn’t want to make it about him,” Soojung offered. 

“I don’t know… Maybe.” You groaned, thinking you were being selfish. He probably had a good reason when he didn’t tell you. There were more pressing issues right now anyway… You knew that, and immediately your head begin to spin again. 

“The whole stepmom thing,” you muttered, “it’s left me a little frazzled.” 

Soojung kept up with your disorderly thoughts expertly. “In what way?” 

You gave a little shrug, voice barely there because you didn’t want to admit it out loud. “It made me question things…”

“I thought you liked where things were heading?” Your best friend couldn’t hide the shock from her voice. 

“I do,” you replied, “or at least, I did.” Where were things actually heading? You didn’t know anymore. “I just wasn’t really thinking.”

“Of what it all meant?” 

You nodded slowly. “I lost myself for a while.” 

In a way, you had been in your own little bubble for these past few months – you, Seokjin and Arin. You’d had the most amazing summer, falling harder and harder for Seokjin and in the process Arin had captured your whole heart. She was such a sweet little girl, humorous and thoughtful, Seokjin and Nana had brought her up well. Your time together had been incomparable, your happiness unmatched, but in the process you’d ignored a few things. 

“So what are you saying?” Soojung asked gently. 

Your throat felt dry. “I’m afraid it’s all moving too fast.” 

It was a lot to take in. You had been together barely four months but here you were thinking about the word stepmom. How scary the word sounded, how scary it felt…

“You want to slow it down?”

“It’s probably too late for that,” you chuckled quietly. You felt your heart squeeze. “Soojung, I think I’m in love with him.” 

It felt almost relieving to confess such a thing, despite your heavy heart over today. Your feelings had been harder and harder to ignore these past couple of weeks, but you’d tried your best, not wanting to rush anything. Right now you were confused and hurt, but one thing was blatantly clear. You loved him. 

“It’s scary,” you whispered, feeling Soo rub your back again, listening silently. “Falling so fast.” Especially after everything you’d been through with Donghae. You were scared. Despite opening up your heart to Seokjin easily, this was different. Things seemed so complicated now, when not six hours ago they had been nothing more than simple. 

“Today was a massive reality check,” you scoffed. “I’ve been spending these past few months playing house with Seokjin and Arin, it was bound to catch up with us sometime.” 

“You liked it though,” your best friend encouraged, voice gentle. “I’ve never seen you so happy… Not since… Well, not even then.” 

“Everything just felt so… perfect,” you agreed. Everything had slotted into place easily. “And natural, and just, nice.” For lack of a better word. Your brain was pulp. 

“Arin obviously felt comfortable enough to call you her stepmom in front of her own mom?” You didn’t even notice Soojung’s change of direction. 

“I don’t know, I think she was just confused. You know what kids are like together. She heard her friend talking about it and they probably got excited.”

“Would you like to be her stepmom?”

You paused then, realising what had just happened. She knew you well, knew what was bothering you, conflicting your mind. You gave her a small smile. “She’s a sweet child, but it’s not that simple right now. It’s not only my decision either.” 

Truthfully you hadn’t thought about it before today, but now it was one of the things at the forefront of your mind. If everything worked out okay then you and Seokjin would only grow more serious. From strength to strength and what did that mean? However, now you knew that Nana wasn’t exactly your biggest fan… You felt fresh frustration, deflated yet again. Today had gone terrible. 

“You’re right,” Soojung agreed, “but it’s something you need to be comfortable with too.” 

That was true. These were things you needed to talk about with Seokjin. Then again, maybe you should’ve talked about them before. You had no clue how he felt regarding the topic, well… not explicitly anyway. 

“Seokjin comparing the both of us made me feel horrendous.” You found yourself admitting. “I’m not trying to be Arin’s mother. I wasn’t even trying to be her stepmother. Not yet. I haven’t thought about it until now. I just… I loved being a part of her life in my own little way.” 

You never wanted to replace Nana. You hated thinking like this, but what if Seokjin had been looking for that the whole time? A new mother for his daughter… You were almost positive that wasn’t the case, but you were so drained right now, your mind was all over the place. You kept replaying in your head what he had shouted at Nana over and over again. 

“He can’t expect you to take on that role, not when she already has a mother,” Soojung said carefully. “But you can be there for Arin in other ways – in similar ways. You’ve been teaching and caring for kids for years, so I hope you’re not undermining your capabilities.” 

You smiled then, grateful, leaning on her shoulder. “Thank you.” You definitely weren’t doing that but being a teacher and a mother were two totally different things. Especially when it wasn’t your biological child. 

“Ugh, I’m just exhausted,” you groaned, laying back against the sofa and shutting your eyes. “My head’s a mess.” You didn’t want to talk about it any longer, switching off sounded really good right now and Soojung understood that perfectly. 

She tapped your arm. “I’m going to cancel my plans with Tae.” You opened your eyes, mouth open ready to fight. “He’ll be fine.” She insisted. “Me and you are gonna get takeout and ice cream and just stop thinking. We’re going to pull the One Tree Hill boxset out and pretend we’re still in high school.” 

You weren’t going to lie, that did sound like fun. It was also foolproof. You’d been doing it since you were seventeen, when Soojung had got dumped for the first time. “Great idea.” 

She leaned in for a hug. “You told him you need space to think, so that’s what you’re going to do. But not tonight. No rush.” 

As she pulled back you took her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I love you.” 

“And I love you,” she grinned. “Now, let me grab my phone.”  

You woke up early the next morning, like really early, 5am, which wasn’t ideal seeing as you’d struggled to get to sleep the night before. Your mind and heart felt heavy, but you forced yourself to get up and shower because there was no point trying to fall back to sleep for an hour. You had school, and that meant you had to try your best to look presentable for the kids – and happy. A bunch of 6-7 year olds were scarily talented at reading an adult’s mood you’d come to find out. 

You didn’t eat much of your breakfast, which wasn’t a surprise because when you were stressed or sad you never felt practically hungry anyway, and left for work long before Soojung even had a chance to wake up, thinking your classroom so early in the morning might give you some sense of clarity. Either that or stop the buzzing of your thoughts that couldn’t seem to keep away. The change of scenery would hopefully do you some good.   

You were at your desk trying to organise your planner for the week ahead, 7:04am, when your cell phone began buzzing. You looked across at the device, face up a few inches away from you and felt your stomach squeeze. Filling the screen was a picture of Seokjin and you at an amusement park he’d dragged you to over the summer, like the big kid he was at heart. Seeing his smiley face made your heart hurt. You thought about leaving it ring, you could pretend you were busy and let him leave a message, but no matter how much you wanted to do it, you couldn’t. 

The phone felt heavy in your hand as you picked up. Your voice didn’t sound like yours. “Hello.” 

“Y/N,” he breathed, sounding somewhat relieved. You had taken a while to make your decision. “Are you free to talk?”

He sounded tired and unlike his usual self, and a part of you wanted to rush over and talk to him in person, to check in on him and see how he was doing, because as much as yesterday hadn’t been nice for you, it hadn’t been too great for him either… However, you knew that was a bad idea, you’d said you had needed time. A few hours wasn’t that. 

“Um, yeah,” you replied, opening your mouth again to remind him about what you’d said yesterday, but already he was rushing forward, eager to say his piece. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call last night, I guess… I guess I needed time too.” He sounded hesitant, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him you had never been expected (nor wanting) a phone call. “Do you want to meet up for lunch?”

Your voice was gentle. “I don’t think that’s a good idea today.” Maybe he’d misunderstood you, you needed longer, besides, things weren’t going to get sorted out in under an hour during your lunch break from work. It wasn’t as simple as that – you wished it was. 

There was a pause his side, then – “Are you sure you’re not mad at me?”

“Seokjin, I’m not mad,” you sighed softly. “I’m just…” What were you? Frustrated more than anything. It was hard to explain. In a way you felt sorry for him, but you also felt sorry for Nana. “I have a lot of questions that I don’t think I’m ready to ask just yet.” 

His voice was careful as he asked you, “When do you think you will be ready?”

“I don’t know,” you told him truthfully. “I need time to think and it’s pretty hard when I have work all week.” Neglecting your job was foolish – impossible to think of, actually. 

“I understand.” Of course he did. He was nothing but understanding when it came to you and your relationship together. That’s the Seokjin you knew and adored… the one you loved… 

“Is Arin okay?” You found yourself asking. You knew you should probably say your goodbyes, but you’d woken up feeling terribly guilty that you’d just upped and left her like that yesterday. “I’m sorry I ran off without saying goodbye to her.” 

“She’s doing okay, I tried telling…” He trailed off suddenly, and you guessed he thought he was overstepping the mark. The mark you’d put in place. “She asked where you went, I said something came up.” 

“Oh.” You’d thought about popping your head around the door and saying goodbye yesterday but just couldn’t do it. You hated to think she’d thought you had left her too. “I really am sorry about that.”  

“Y/N, it’s fine. Please never be sorry,” he murmured softly. 

You smiled sadly at his sentiment. “Are you okay?” You shouldn’t really ask, not when you needed to hang up and take that space you both needed, but you couldn’t help yourself. It felt wrong not to check in. 

“Could be better,” he chuckled slightly. You appreciated his honesty. “You?” 

“The same.” There was no point pretending. “I think some space will do us good. Let’s just think about everything and then we can talk.” 

“Okay,” he agreed simply. There wasn’t much else he could say. If he disagreed in any way you knew he would never tell you. He wanted to respect your wishes. 

“I’ll call you towards the end of the week?” You could get through the work week, have some time to yourself in the evenings and then meet up on Saturday. 

“Yeah, that sounds good. I agree.” Yet, he sounded a little dejected. 

“Okay.” You had to leave it at that. “I gotta go,” you told him, even though you were in no rush to leave for work, already in your classroom. 

“Of course, bye, Y/N.” You heard some background noise and then a familiar voice in the background – Misook. As it was for you, life went on. Arin had to get ready for school, he had to get ready for work… You couldn’t both wallow in self-pity all day. “Take care,” he told you. It sounded awkward, as if he didn’t know what to say. 

“Bye, Seokjin.” You felt just the same. Even right at the beginning your phone conversations had never been this wooden. 

You hung up first, and then there was silence, except for the ticking of the clock on the wall opposite. You watched the red second hand move, feeling as if it was mocking you.

The week was slow. It was an average one, but it dragged by. On Monday you had to sit through the usual chitchat inside the teacher’s lounge during lunch, catching up on everyone’s weekends. When Eunbi asked how yours had gone you’d breezed past it, expertly changing the subject to her weekend visiting Jungkook’s parents. Other than that, there was really no need for Seokjin to come up in conversation, which you were thankful for. You spent the rest of the week busy with the children, staying behind a lot later than usual just because it was easier inside your classroom. 

At home you found yourself missing Seokjin like crazy. Ever since your first date you’d been in regular contact throughout the week, and then when things had gotten serious, you’d spoken to him every day – even if it was just on the phone in the evenings once school started back. For all contact to be gone was strange. You hated it, felt as if a part of you was missing. But you knew it needed to be done. As the days went (dragged) by you no longer felt overwhelmed by Sunday’s events. The shock had worn off and you had time to dissect it all, whether it be over dinner on your own when Soo was working late, or when you were in bed for the night, waiting to drop off. The more you broke it down the easier it was to place things in different categories. All the things that had shocked you, the things that had hurt you, and then finally, the things that had made you feel guilty. 

On Thursday night you promised your mom you’d have dinner with her. Jonathon was abroad visiting his children and she hadn’t been able to get time off work to join him. She was bored at home all alone, so you really couldn’t say no despite a part of you wanting to. Before you arrived you’d made the decision not to tell her about your…what could you call it? It was hardly an argument with Seokjin. A disagreement..? Whatever it was, you didn’t want to worry her. After all this time she was over the moon you’d finally met someone you really cared about and you knew it was stupid, but you didn’t want to make her worry.  

However, that all went out the window as soon as she opened the door to you. She was your mom for crying out loud, who could you confide in if it wasn’t her? She listened to you attentively. All your thoughts, all your worries – even if the potatoes were at risk of cremating, and it felt good to have your mother by your side. 

“Seokjin is a lovely man, anyone can see that, but he’s allowed his flaws. He’s only human,” she reasoned, your conversation coming back to the way he’d acted around Nana. You knew your mother was right, and you were in no way judging him for it, but it had been very jarring seeing him change so suddenly. “Obviously he and his ex-wife bring out the worst in each other. Sounds to me as if they’re so used to hurting one another it’s become the norm.” 

You nodded in silent agreement, thinking back to them hurling abuse at one another as if it was the most natural thing. In a way it had turned into a competition. Who could hurt one other the most. In the end, Seokjin had dealt the final blow. You. You could still see the hurt on Nana’s face now, even though it was days ago. It made your chest heavy all over again. You told your mom just as much. 

“There’s no need to feel so guilty, love,” she told you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “None of this is your fault. Seokjin, whether it was intentionally or unintentionally, used you as a way to hurt Nana, and you need to tell him that you’re not okay with that.” 

That was the part that had hurt the most now that you’d had enough time to think. Above all else, not telling Nana about you, the catalyst that led to his divorce, it was being used as some kind of weapon that stuck out. You had never wanted that. You had never asked for it. 

“You are his girlfriend first and foremost.” Your mom continued. “Yes, you care for Arin but these things need to be spoken about first. You have never wanted to be, nor felt like you were the child’s mother. You know your boundaries and so should he.” 

She was correct. You’d been so hesitant not to overstep the mark these past few months. You’d even been in two minds whether or not to offer to babysit Arin that weekend. You’d thought Seokjin understood that, your cautiousness when it came to the role you played in her life. After all, your relationship was still new, and Nana was very much a part of Arin’s life. However he had disregarded that all to throw a few cheap shots. 

Your conversation shifted to Arin then. It was easy to sympathise with her, after all you’d been in her shoes once. Parents who seemed to fight more than they did talk. It had gotten better for you though, their relationship turning amiable once the divorce had settled. For Arin, it seemed to be only getting worse. You wished you could talk some sense into Seokjin. He might’ve thought that Arin was okay with her parents barely having any contact but you knew that wasn’t the case. It had been very telling to hear that Arin never brought Seokjin up in conversation with her own mother. That’s why it had taken Nana so long to find out about you. Deep down that little girl knew that her mom didn’t want to hear her dad’s name, and that was heart breaking. 

Somewhere along the way, your mom asked you what you thought about Arin calling you her stepmother. Despite it being done innocently, the weight of the word meant so much more to the adults in the situation and you agreed. It had been strange to hear, and not just because it had come from Nana’s mouth. You were serious about Seokjin and could see a future with him, and that meant being in Arin’s life permanently. That word wasn’t so farfetched and you’d had plenty of time to think about it this week. What it meant for you, Arin, and of course Nana. 

“How did you feel when dad first met Dahae?” You asked your mom. These things had never really come up in conversation before, which was surprising, but right now you needed any advice and insight you could get. Your mom had been in Nana’s shoes once after all. All those years ago. 

“I was…happy for him,” she replied hesitantly. “It took time. It’s a confusing thing. I no longer loved your father but it felt strange to see him with someone else. Of course, everyone is different. Not one relationship is the same,” she added. 

You nodded in understanding. Your father had met Dahae, his wife, when you were twelve. You had grown up with her and it didn’t feel odd to think of her as a second mom. You still called her by her name but when in conversation with others you often referred to her as your stepmom. Always had, for as long as you could remember. Maybe it was after the wedding, but you couldn’t be too sure. Definitely before she gave birth to your siblings though. 

It was different with Jonathon. He’d always been “your mother’s husband” and not because you didn’t care for him or think he was a lovely man. He was, and you liked him very much, it was just… You were an adult when you met him, twenty to be exact, living across the country for college. The bond wasn’t quite there like it was with Dahae, but your mom understood that – so did Jonathon. But it made you pause and think. You’d never asked your mom how she felt hearing you call Dahae your stepmother. It had never crossed your mind until now. 

“I didn’t like the idea at first, I have to admit, but who would?” She confessed. “It’s hard not to feel hurt or threatened, a whole load of different emotions,” she gave a small shrug, “but meeting Dahae, and seeing how kind a woman she was, and how much you meant to her made me see things differently.” 

You smiled, silently hoping that one Nana would think and feel the same way when it came to you. You could only cross your fingers and try your best in the meantime. 

Your mom nudged you, a playful lilt to her voice. “I think you’re very lucky to have two wonderful women in your life that love you and want the best for you – and yes, that’s a brag on my part.” 

You laughed with her, but your worries were getting the best of you again, turning you sombre. “What if Nana never accepts me though?” 

“I think you should only think about that if it happens,” she replied. “There’s no point expecting the worst right now.” 

You still didn’t feel very hopeful though, it was probably written all over your face. Sweeping some hair out of your eyes, your mother’s voice was soft. “Love, she had no idea you existed, I think her anger was warranted.” A pause, tone changing. “Although, not at you. I’m not very happy about that.” 

You chuckled at that. “It’s fine. You know I can look after myself.” You were feisty when you wanted to be, or scrappy as Seokjin had so comically put it once. 

Wrapping an arm around you once more, she squeezed you gently. “Talk to him.” She urged. “You miss him. This time apart is getting pointless, you already know how you feel.” 

You did. Your feelings were as strong as ever. 

You had been itching to pick up the phone last night and just call him already, but you’d said Saturday. You only had one day left at work, you could hold out until then. It would be better that way, you didn’t want to interrupt a potentially busy day. Friday’s were often crazy for him, you didn’t want to be a distraction. 

However, come morning break you bumped into Hoseok coming out of your classroom, eager to rush to your car and grab the apple that must have rolled out of your bag and onto the seat. (Hopefully – if it was on the floor it was going in the trash ASAP). 

“Hi, Y/N. How are you today?” He politely asked. 

“Fine, thank you.” Talking with Hoseok always came easily, regardless of his position as the principal. “Glad it’s the weekend tomorrow. How about you?” 

“My thoughts exactly,” he laughed, before adding, “Although, I hear Arin’s started hers early.” 

“Oh?” You were immediately lost. Had you missed something? You hadn’t seen Arin at school all week, which wasn’t strange. Your paths rarely crossed these days unless you were on yard duty, and if you were being honest, you were glad it hadn’t been this week. She must have had an inkling something was wrong right now, she hadn’t seen you at all since Sunday, so you were relieved to know you didn’t have to answer any awkward questions. It was selfish, you knew that, but you couldn’t help it. 

Hoseok looked confused by your reaction, but carried on regardless, shaking it off. “Seokjin called up yesterday, said she’d be visiting her mom earlier this weekend if it was possible. I figured maybe you and he had plans for tonight.” 

You froze, forcing yourself to reply because your boss was waiting for one. “Oh, no.” You swallowed, coming up blank. “No plans.” 

If Hoseok noticed your woodenness he didn’t let on. “One day couldn’t possibly hurt her education, right? But don’t tell the board I said that,” he added with a laugh. 

You made yourself join in, although your mind was racing. “Secret’s safe with me.” 

He smiled at you, giving you a nod. “Enjoy your weekend, alright? See you Monday.” 

Thank God he had somewhere to be. You nodded back, watching him already begin to walk away. “And you, Hoseok.” 

You proceeded to sit in your car for twenty minutes, half eaten apple already turning brown as you racked your brain. It wasn’t Nana’s weekend to have Arin. Was something wrong? You were probably being silly, conjuring up the worst case scenarios for no reason. If something had happened, Seokjin would have contacted you. He knew he could always count on you, but… You had told him you needed space and he’d agreed. He was a man of his word, so if something had happened, what if he thought he couldn’t call you?

You pulled your phone out of your bag at the thought, clicking on his contact but stopped yourself when you saw the time. You had just under five minutes to be back at class… I’m being irrational, you told yourself. If something was wrong he would have informed Hoseok, and the principal sounded absolutely fine. You were worrying for no reason. If something had happened, something bad, he wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to you. You knew that, and so did he. Only a few more hours and you’d get to talk to him. Most of those involved sleep. You could wait until tomorrow morning. You could. 

.

.

You couldn’t. 

It was half 9 and you were home alone. It was Soojung and Taehyung’s date night and she was spending the night at his place, so all you had for company were your own thoughts – and RJ, the alpaca plush Seokjin had won for all those months previous. You couldn’t possibly wait until tomorrow, your mom was right, what was the point in waiting when you knew how you felt. You wanted to see Seokjin, to talk to him and feel him. You missed him like crazy. 

Turning the television down low you grabbed for your phone which had slipped in between the sofa cushions. This time you didn’t hesitate, no work commitments calling your name, and dialled Seokjin’s number straight away. He picked up after only two rings. 

 “Y/N,” he breathed, sounding more than surprised. 

“Hey, you,” you smiled into the receiver. It felt good to hear his voice again. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to call tonight.” 

“Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” 

“Of course not. Well,” he paused to laugh, “I was just about to head to bed.” 

He sounded a lot like his usual self tonight, it eased your mind. You laughed along softly, a confession slipping past your lips. “I was going to wait until tomorrow but Soojung is with Taehyung tonight and being alone means I can’t stop thinking about you.” 

You heard a sigh of relief his end. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all week.” The longing in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Are you ready to talk? I’m willing to answer any questions you have.” 

“I’m ready,” you nodded. “Should I come over? I don’t want to do this over the phone.” 

“I can come to you?” He suggested instead. “Arin’s with Nana until Sunday.” 

“Oh.” You thought to ask him how come, but stopped yourself, you could get to that in person. He didn’t sound upset, which you took as a good sign. “Okay. Now?” 

“It’s not too late?” He checked. 

“No, it’s fine.” You were eager, shaking you head as you replied, and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. “I really want to see you.” 

You could hear his smile too. “I’ll be there soon, okay? Really soon.” You heard his footsteps along the floor, the sound of a drawer opening as if he was finding something to wear. 

“Don’t speed,” you added, as a joke more than anything. 

“Of course I won’t,” he laughed. “I’m going to hang up now but I won’t be long.” 

“Okay, see you soon, Seokjin.” It was silly, but you didn’t want the phone call to end even though in under half an hour he’d be here. 

But you could be patient. 

You could. 

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

[futuremrsreid]

Baby Steps

Request: @gubswh0re requested: "hi! could you do 20,25 & 48 from the promt list all in one? would be amazing, thank you!!"

Summary: A case gone wrong and Spencer blames himself. Reader tries to make him feel better.

Couple: Spencer Reid x reader

Category: hurt/comfort, angst, a bit of fluff if you never felt happiness before

CW: sad as fuck uhm I lowkey broke my own heart but its also really sweet

Word Count: 1,9k

If I had to describe Spencer Reid handling his emotions in two words, they would be “quiet suffering”. In the two years I have known him he only opened up a handful of times. Not in the sense of him never talking about his past or things that happened to him, but whenever he talked about these things, he tells them like one of his facts. He tells you that his mother has schizophrenia, but he doesn't tell you how he feels about it. It always reminds me of a medical anamnesis.

On rare occasions, he would break. Everything became too much, even for him. I remember the first time I witnessed it very clearly. It was after he visited his mom for a few days and, from what he told me, she was in such a bad condition that she didn’t even recognize him. He was devastated and when he was on his way back he drove straight to my apartment, not knowing how to deal with everything. Spencer didn’t call or text before he arrived there and saying I was surprised when I opened my door doesn't even come close. His eyes were bloodshot and it looked like he hadn’t slept for weeks. Truth be told, I was very overwhelmed so I did the only thing I could think of. I pulled him inside and hugged him as hard as humanly possible. 

In the office everyone always jokes about Dr Reid and his fear of human touch, but he hugged me back so hard that breathing became just a little difficult, and in that moment I realized the reason he doesn’t hug people isn’t because of his fear of bacteria. It’s because of the closeness of it. My heart cracked then.

The next discovery I made was that Spencer is a quiet cryer. I didn’t even notice it until his tears started seeping through my shirt and I could feel the wetness. I don’t know how long we stood there, but when I could feel him calming down a bit, I pulled away just enough to be able to look at him. He was extremely embarrassed and started to pull away completely to cover his face with his hands, but I’m too stubborn for that, so I grabbed his wrists and made him look at me. He started crying again then. 

It took an hour until he started telling me what got him so upset and after that we talked the whole night, about his mother, her sickness and everything related to it. I always hoped that he would open up about it eventually, but when he finally did, I couldn’t handle it very well. I tried not to cry myself, but that is hard when the person you love most breaks down in front of you like that. 

That night I held him close, let him lie on my chest, played with his hair - everything to try and make his pain go away. And after that day I thought things would have changed, that he would stop hiding and open up more to me,  but I was very wrong. When he woke up the next morning he apologized about a hundred times and no words or reassurance made him less ashamed. Afterwards he tried to act like nothing had ever happened.

So in conclusion: I had done a lot of difficult tasks in my life, but getting Spencer Reid to talk about his feelings was by far the most difficult. Nonetheless, today was one of those rare days.

We just came back from a really shitty case that resulted in more victims than it should have due to the police department holding back evidence. It was messy and frustrating and exhausting. Spencer was there when one of the victims was shot and he blamed himself for not preventing it, even though we all told them that there was no chance that he could have done it.

And as if the case itself wasn't bad enough, we were stuck for more time back in the office to do the paperwork. When the clock turned 8 pm Hotch came out of his office to tell us to go home. We all sighed in relief and started packing up our things. All of us except a particular dr. He was still sitting at his desk, typing away on his computer. I watched him for a while, contemplating what to do, and after everyone said their goodbyes, I walked over to him.

“Come on. I’ll take you home”, I said, leaning on his desk trying to catch his eyes with mine. No luck.

“I still have work to do, I’ll take the subway home later.” He continued typing like i wasn’t even there and I got frustrated. The case was already bad enough and I would not stand here watching him torture himself.

“That wasn’t a request, Spencer.” I didn’t intend to sound so harsh but hey, at least it made him look at me. “We are gonna leave. Now.” He opened his mouth to protest and closed it again, he knew better than to argue with me. My eyes said it all: If he would stay, I would stay. And since Spencer Reid cares about everyone but himself, he closed his computer and packed up his things.

The walk to my car was quiet, and so were the first 5 minutes of driving. I kept glancing at him from the driver's seat, but he was looking out of the window, lost in thought. The guy on the radio made a stupid comment and normally he would have immidiatly complained, but it seemed like he didn’t even hear it. His brain is a beautiful place with a million facts and ideas, yet I can imagine how scary it can be as well. When Spencer gets really lost in his thoughts he begins to spiral and I can just guess that that is what happened at that moment. Only then I came to the conclusion that he wanted to stay and work because that would distract him from anything going on inside. 

“Talk to me, Spence.” My tone was pleading, practically begging at this point.

“I’m fine, y/n.” I sighed. I was thinking about just letting it go, but then I thought about him alone in his apartment, stuck in this beautiful scary brain of his. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. I took a deep breath. If you're lost, stick to what you know.

“Do you trust me?”

“What?”, he turned to me with a quizzical expression on his face.

“Do you trust me?”, I asked again, looking him in the eyes this time.

“Of course I trust you. Why are you even asking me this?”

“We’re making a detour. I’m gonna show you something.” My words didn’t leave room for questions so we just fell silent again. He continued to watch me with a questioning look, but i tried to ignore him. I was too focused on taking the right turns anyway. It was hard to find my way in the dark, but 5 minutes later we were there. I got out of the car and waited for Spencer to do the same and after he did, he seemed more confused than ever. I walked over to the familiar building and fished for a key at the same moment. 

“What is this place?”

“It’s an art gallery. My mom used to work here.” I found what I was looking for and started to unlock the door.

“And you just have a key to this place?” If the circumstances were different, I would have laughed at his confusion, however, the circumstances weren’t different.

“Yep.” The door opened and I looked for the light switch. “Come on, just follow me.” 

I led us up the 5 flights of stairs and then, after 2 more doors we were finally there. The place that has been the only place I called home for the years before I joined the team.

“Are you sure we should be doing this? We’re not breaking in right now, are we?” At this I did laugh. I stepped further onto the rooftop. 

“Relax Spence, we are not breaking any laws.” He was still hesitant so I took his hand and pulled him to the edge. The railing was high, meaning there was no danger of falling down. I let go of his hand and leaned on it. The building was on a small hill and since it had a few stories, you were able to look over a big part of the city. It was always a beautiful view, but that night was extra special. It was a Friday in the late summer, which didn’t only mean the sky was clear, there were also a lot of traffic lights and buildings that shone bright. 

I just watched and after a few minutes Spencer stood beside me and did the same. Some time passed before I broke the silence.

“How many people are living in the US?” He didn’t hesitate before answering. It was like a reflex for him by now. I liked to ask random questions all the time and to this day, he always had an answer.

“331.002.651 people.” I paused for a few seconds.

“You can’t protect all of them, Spencer.”

“Y/n I-”

“I mean it, Spence. It is humanly impossible to protect everyone. You can protect some of them, maybe even a lot, but you won’t ever be able to do that if you keep beating yourself up over incidents like today.” He sighed and opened his mouth to speak, but I wasn’t done. “I know how you feel and I know it’s not easy. There was no chance for you to save that girl, Spencer. Zero. And if you can’t accept that, you will lose yourself. And then you won’t be able to save anyone anymore.” I know it was harsh, however, sometimes that's the only language he understands.

“You could have said all of that in the car.” He paused. “Why did you take me here?” I didn’t expect him to comment on what I said. He knew I was right, that’s all I needed.

“My mom sometimes took me with her on her shifts and after she was done we would go up here. After she died the owner gave me a key so that I could come here every time I needed it. Or needed her.”

“Do you come here often?”

“Not anymore. This place was the only thing making me feel at home for years and I came almost every day, but when I started working at the BAU I stopped going here more and more. And now I don’t really need it anymore, because my apartment finally started feeling like home. Especially when you are there.” I looked at him while saying that last sentence and I saw him smile for the first time in days. His eyes caught mine.

“Thank you, y/n.” Those words could have many different meanings. Thank you for taking me here. Thank you for staying. Thank you for making me feel better. But it didn’t matter what he meant, because I knew.

“Do you want to go home?”

“I think I’d like to stay for a bit longer.”

And that's what we did. We stayed there for hours. That night we talked through every possible way of how Spencer could have acted differently, yet every scenario ended with the death of that girl. After that he finally accepted that it wasn’t his fault. Baby steps.