#tommy is a guest o the show sometimes

[bumblepony]

I'm thinking of a modern AU where Joel is fixing some TV show producers kitchen and at one point he's explaining to a new crew member how to do something and the producer sees it and is like this guy is meant for TV. (The producer is Tess maybe, oh I like that yes it's Tess.)

So then he gets his own show "Joel Miller's Construction Corner" and it's so popular that he's now doing morning shows. Sarah and Ellie get to travel with him and they love getting to watch as he's all cute and awkward with all the host ladies.

I love this idea.

[denimbex1986]

'It’s difficult to picture now, but there was a time before lads across the nation emerged from barbershops with drastic undercuts; a time when flat caps were a staple of rural barge pilots only and the phrase ‘peaky blinder’ was little more than gibberish. Stephen Knight’s BBC crime drama changed all of that almost overnight. Debuting on 12 September 2013, Peaky Blinders introduced us to the coal and smoke-blackened streets of post-WW1 Birmingham from which the Shelby family – led by Cillian Murphy’s haunted Tommy – planned their criminal rise.

In the decade since, the show has enjoyed an embarrassing and slightly gauche degree of popularity. Alongside the BAFTAs and critical praise, the show’s influence has resulted in barber-frustrating requests for a ‘Peaky Blinders haircut’, the resurgence of outdated headwear and other 1920s staples. Then there's Blinders-themed weddings, bars, beers and fan festivals; Tommy Shelby tattoos, a cruise, and even, according to the Office for National Statistics, a rise in babies named after characters from the show. Of course, merchandising has very little to do with the quality of the programme itself, but it is all swirled up in the show’s legacy. Which begs the question: at its core, is Peaky Blinders actually any good, or is it really a bit naff? Another ten years from now, will we still be talking about it?

First, the good stuff. In the late Helen McCrory, in Cillian Murphy and Natasha O’Keeffe, Blinders features some of the best performances on British television, even as some of its more famous guests spend their time chewing the period scenery. As the series (and decades) progress, it is an increasingly stylish show, both in its wardrobe and set design. Knight’s desire to take a sober-faced look at real-life events, like the rise of the British Union of Fascists, is laudable.

Blinders falters is in its immense desire to be cool. Often, the show is so heavy handed you’re left nursing your cheek as the credits roll. Consider the jarring Radio X soundtrack. The scene where Arthur, shirtless among the hellish (get it?) smoke and flames of a Shelby parts factory is doused in red paint as he mercilessly dispatches two assailants. The neon lighting, endless effin’ smoke, the Dickens-lite monologues. In its ambition, Blinders takes bigger swings than the usual BBC fare. In its execution, it’s sometimes all a bit, well, GCSE drama.

Does the quality outweigh the cringe? The Sopranos is arguably the gold standard of a show that changed culture and stayed the course. Peaky Blinders doesn’t have that show’s humour, or its ability to go as deep into its characters and their world, but it does try. As the show progresses the tone becomes more sombre, the slow-motion strutting of it all dialled back in favour of deeper explorations of human emotion. It’s allowed more time to breathe; the villains become less cartoonish as our (anti)heroes become more real. Like Tony Soprano’s therapy sessions, Tommy Shelby’s dark night of the soul can be excruciating to witness (interestingly, his self-commissioned portrait-with-horse echoes Tony Soprano’s portrait with Pie-O-My). And, like Carmela Soprano, Helen McCrory’s Aunt Polly fights to re-centre the drama away from the world of men being men.

Yes, Peaky Blinders is purposefully pulpy. And yes, many shows have a shaky start. To spend time with Peaky Blinders is to accept all of this as best you can. But, despite its flaws, it is inarguable that when the show does gel, it catches fire. If a rumoured movie continues to build on the show’s snowballing quality, it’s likely the show will cement its place in TV history. No amount of knockoff ‘By order of the Peaky Blinders!’ t-shirts could diminish that.'

[painless-innit-colourful]

The Light Behind Their Eyes

It’s been a long-time headcanon of mine that the songs of Conventional Weapons exist in the universe of Dangers Days. And I’m sure you can guess which one this fic concerns... After a few terrible weeks for the rebels, there’s a special guest on Dr Death’s radio show, and they’ve got a very special message for the Zones.

It's been a bad few weeks in the Zones.

It began almost three weeks ago, when Dr D announced over the airwaves that Jet Star and the Kobra Kid got themselves dusted. Since then, it's been almost every night; killjoy names no one you know has ever heard of being given their two words on the evening 'cast. S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W sightings are more frequent, and claps happen every few hours. BLI seems to finally be cracking down on the desert rebels like they once promised they would, and it's leaving crews down members and everyone losing hope. Some say 'Destroya and the Pheonix Witch have abandoned us', but you try to hold out hope. Destroya protects the droids foremost, and only heaven knows if they're currently having as bad a time as the 'joys. As for the Pheonix Witch... Supposed sightings have dried up, but you're not surprised. With all the dustings lately, she must be busy. Whispers throughout the desert say they can hear the ghosts of the passed killjoys shouting out in the static, singing their songs long into the night in a spiritual procession through the sand wastes. A parade of death, like a cemetery drive on the move. It's a depressing thought, but it holds up to reason. The mailbox is full.

You're alone tonight; you needed some air. The campfire's been burning for hours, and though it could attract some less than wanted attention, it's a put it out or go inside kind of night. Next to it sits an empty can of Power Pup (it's been tasting worse recently) and your radio. It blares some old Mad Gear song, which Dr D introduced as a "favourite of our Fab Four" when it started. His intros have been weirdly short these past few hours. You sit back and try to enjoy the last thirty seconds or so of the song. The sun set hours ago, and the stars are out. You wonder if the old dust trails about ghosted 'joys becoming stars are true.

"Alright, children," Dr Death's nightly greeting sounds out into the night air. "The lights are out, and the party's over. But before I go, I've got one more treat for you." In the background, while he talks, you hear the strained tones of an acoustic guitar being tuned. That gets your attention. Guitars - electric ones - are common at Zone concerts, but since they're so quiet, no one plays acoustic guitars. The only other time you've ever heard one was when you came across a half-broken thing with your crew in the burnt-out shell of an old building. No one could figure out how to make it sound anything but rusty. "I've got an old friend with a pretty shiny piece of junk here, and they'd like to play you a song. Let's just say, you won't get this at none o' your Mad Gear shows. Sing yourselves to sleep tumbleweeds, and don't let the static swallow you up. Goodnight." There's a moment of quiet as whoever shuffles towards the microphone, and you hit the 'record' button on your radio just as Dr D softly utters: "S'all your's Party." The archaic tape recorder splutters and whirrs to life, wheezing from disuse before the little crimson light blinks on, just as whoever it is in the Dr's studio starts to strum gently. You sit back again as they begin to sing:

"So long to all my friends, / Every one of them met tragic ends."

Somewhere in the second line, their voice breaks and Dr D murmurs something you don't catch. Their playing isn't amazing, but the guitar seems to almost be crying its notes, surrounding them in emotion, though maybe that's just you. These past weeks have been harsh, and you haven't heard something so gentle in a long time.

"With every passing day, / I'd be lying if I didn't say / That I miss them all tonight / And if they only knew what I would say,"

Something about the lyrics makes you want to go get your crew and hold them tight, protect them from the elements and BLInd and whatever's out there in the static to be afeared of. Everyone in the desert knows someone who's recently joined the parade of the dead, whether they were your best mate or the chilly weirdo you got into a fight over PP prices with at Tommy's. You wonder if the singer has lost someone recently too.

"If I could be with you tonight, / I would sing you to sleep / Never let them take the light behind your eyes / One day I'll lose this fight / As we fade in the dark / Just remember you will always burn as bright."

The desert seems to grow still around you, as even the wind stops to listen to the melody of the 'joy on the radio. Who is that? You recognise their voice somewhat: you've heard them in the background of Dr Death's broadcasts before, and any voice on the radio that isn't one of the DJs or Cherri Cola gets your attention. Right before they started singing Dr D called them Party... You wrack your brain for any Killjoys with Party in the name, and the only one that comes to mind is Party Poison, of the Fab Four. Could it be them? Dr D said before that last Mad Gear song that it was a "favourite of our Fab Four", and the loss of Party's friend and brother was the beginning of this awful few weeks for all the Zones so... it could make sense. Then again, maybe it isn't.

"Be strong and hold my hand, / Time it comes for us, you'll understand / We'll say goodbye today, / And I'm sorry how it ends this way, / If you promise not to cry, / Then I'll tell you just what I would say-"

Their voice grows stronger, more sure of themself as they sing, though they break again a little on "promise not to cry". As they get louder, someone (presumably Dr D) starts drumming using his desk, and the wind around you picks back up, whipping sand into a frenzy and nearly dousing your campfire early. You can hear something far away in the desert; the wind is moaning, and the sky responds.

"If I could be with you tonight, / I would sing you to sleep / Never let them take the light behind your eyes / I'll fail and lose this fight / Never fade in the dark / Just remember you will always burn as bright."

The passion behind their words sounds like a promise. The wind intensifies; the desert itself is howling, the sand puts your campfire out and leaves you alone in the noisy silence. Your empty Power Pup can is scooped up by the wind and tossed away, clanging against something on the way down, the sound like mournful crying. Without the firelight, the stars that suddenly fill the once-empty expanse above grow brighter to compensate. You shuffle closer to your radio and turn it up slightly, and hear the song of a defiant killjoy join the cacophonous fray:

"The light behind your eyes. / The light behind your- / Sometimes we must grow stronger and / You can't be stronger in the dark. / When I'm here, no longer / You must be stronger and-"

As the singing 'joy enters the bridge, something appears in the sandstorm. People: killjoys, running, dancing, singing in unheard voices, laughing to jokes never heard. Their colours are brighter than the stars, their smiles wider than the Zones. They are walking as one, up and down the dunes, a heaving mass of people celebrating, firing rayguns into the dark, toasting Power Pup like it doesn't taste like dog food. Someone else appears before you as you grab your radio and hold it tight, lest the wind carries it off. You look up to see her dark cloak, her halo of violet light, her mask staring back. As the sandstorm rages and the wind tears at you like needles, it snatches at the top of your head, taking your mask as it rests there. It flies away towards her at speed, and she catches it in an outstretched hand. The dancing 'joys shine brighter for a moment, and something in the pit of your stomach makes you feel weightless. You start to rise to your feet, but she steps forward, her hand reaching towards your own.

"If I could be with you tonight, / I would sing you to sleep / Never let them take the light behind your eyes / I failed and lost this fight / Never fade in the dark / Just remember you will always burn as bright. / The light behind your eyes."

The Pheonix Witch stands before your trembling form and presses your mask back into your shaking hand. She steps away, and you feel lightheaded, the dancing lights burning too bright, a hundred stars leaping skyward. She turns and walks towards the procession of ghosted killjoys, leaving you once again alone in the sand. The colours of the procession fade to greys and blacks, and then altogether. The Witch disappears, and you see your vision blur with tears. You slump sideways and lie there in the desert, at the centre of a sandstorm, radio clutched to your heart, mask scrunched in one hand. You vaguely hear the singer repeat the last line "The light behind your eyes” again, and again, and again, like a lullaby into the night.

When you wake, it's all white noise. At some point the tape recorder stopped - you're not sure how, as your radio is still clutched to your chest. Your mask is still in hand. You shake off the sand that's piled around you.

The sandstorm. You check for grazes, but nothing hurts. It's freezing, you realise, and still hours away from sunrise, or alarm clock radiation, as one of your crew likes to call it. You better get inside before you die of hypothermia or something. You turn off the radio and head into the building in which your crew are sleeping.

Somewhere in the desert, a crow caws.

---

Taglist: @chaoticemopigeon @antikalvinclub (remember this thing?!)

[hy5ter1cal]

Drowning

Okay so this is part 1 to a fantasy SBI series. Please tell me if you liked it or if you find anything that I could improve, I really need feedback lol.

Summary: After a terrible accident Tommy and Wilbur finally return to their childhood summer home. But something is wrong, Tommy is plauged by horrible nightmares and memories - a voice keeps telling him to change it. To change the ending.

Warnings: Mentions of blood, swearing, angst lol

Word count: 2.2k 

Tommy was trying to run, someone, he didn’t know who or what, but something was chasing him. He quickly jumped over the fence into the garden of his family’s summer home, the flowers had long since died and parts of the grass were burned. He tried to open the door but it was locked, he tried again but to no avail. He eventually retorted to kicking the door open, he could hear the being getting closer and closer every second. 

     Tommy didn’t bother locking or closing the door properly, he rushed for his father’s room as he remembered the big wardrobe he used to hide in when playing hide and seek. He opened the door and saw the old room, the bed was just like it had been left. The sheets still looked pristine after all these years as if they never left. He could however see the thick layer of dust coating all the furniture in the room, coating the picture of him and his family. 

He was startled out of his thoughts as he heard the front door slam open. Tommy jumped, carefully making his way over to the wardrobe while trying to avoid the boards he knew would creak. He slowly closes the wardrobe doors and covers his mouth with his hand, sitting down. Afraid to make any noise at all. “Oh, ____…” a voice he didn’t recognize playfully sang, static filling his head as he heard the door to the bedroom swing open. “Don’t hide from me,” The voice trilled happily as the footsteps got closer to the wardrobe. Closer, closer, and closer. 

Tommy suddenly woke up in a chair. The only sound that met his ears was his heart beating like a hectic drum, drowning out all the other noise surrounding him. He took a deep breath, calming down as he could hear footsteps approaching him. Tommy turned around, and smiled. “Are you ready to go, Tommy?” He asked, brown eyes meeting Tommy’s blue. “Yeah, I am.” 

     “Good, get your stuff. Your horse has been saddled, so we’re pretty much good to go whenever.” 

      Tommy nodded and told Wilbur to give him a minute. He needed a minute to process what he had just dreamt about, what the hell was that thing... He thought as he grabbed the satchel beside him. He was ready. 

Similarly, Tommy felt ready as he stepped off his horseback, grabbing the reins once more while he looked at Wilbur. “Hey, it’s getting dark quickly-” Tommy muttered, shifting his gaze from his brother to the dark sky, only a few specs of orange and red visible in the far distance. “Yeah, I doubt we’ll get there before late in the night,” Wilbur sighed and he too got off his horse, “I think we’re better off going into town, staying the night at Logstichire inn.” Tommy nodded and started to follow him on the gravelly path. “Since when did they get lanterns here? No one ever visits this place.” Tommy blurted, looking ahead as if trying to spot the first few houses. “I dunno.” 

      “Maybe there’s something in town that is getting them more visitors?” 

“Maybe,” Wilbur muttered, “Though, I doubt it.”

       “Why?”

He shrugged as he continued to drag his horse with him. Tommy swallowed, ever since the morning something had just felt off, the dream was still bugging him.  The crunching sound of gravel steadily withered away as Tommy felt as if he was being forced underwater. A voice seemed to surround him, overflowing his senses. Change it, Tommy. It somehow echoed under the water, carving its way through his skull and into his mind. Change it. 

     Tommy desperately tried to grab something to hold onto. Don’t let go. The voice echoed, and suddenly he felt the reins get handed back to him as he pulled himself out of the water, finding that he was completely dry and still on the road with Wilbur walking in front of him. He could hear the gravel under his feet, feel the wind blow through his hair and the cold of the wind meeting his sweaty skin. 

“Look, Tommy.” Wilbur smiled and gestured to the prominent lights ahead, they could see the outlines of houses. “We’re here… finally,” Tommy huffed as he picked up speed to walk alongside Wilbur.  “Why are you out of breath?” 

      Tommy caught up with him. “No, I guess- just a bit tired.” 

“Right, you’ve been riding that horse all day. I bet you’re so exhausted.”

      “Shut up, Wil. Let’s just get to the damn inn.” Tommy scoffed as an awkward silence fell over the both of them. He could feel a slow burning rise in his stomach, rising towards his lungs. The long journey combined with little to no sleep was doing him no good. Something so little sparked the flame he thought laid buried for good. 

“Tommy,” Wilbur coughed, trying to start a conversation again. 

      “What?” Tommy barked, not meaning to sound so mad, “-sorry..”

“Don’t worry. Look over there!” He pointed towards the large tree in the middle of the plaza. It had been covered in small lanterns and folded paper figures which bore the wishes of the town’s children. “The tree is still there!” Tommy chimed in, feeling the burning sink, it waited for another moment to strike. “What name did you give it again?”

      Tommy chuckled, “L’man-tree..” He sprinted towards the tree, looking at the small folded paper figures. “I doubt yours is still here.” 

      “You never know, Wil!” Tommy continued to excitedly check every single one for a name he recognized. “Wil- look at this one!” He was pointing to an old figure made out of dark grey, hard paper. It had once resembled a vulture. “I remember this, Techno made it!” Wilbur smiled, “Yeah, he was always so good at making these things.”

“Tommy, for the love of god I’m not making another one.” He huffed tucking a stray lock of his hair out of his face. His crimson eyes met Tommy’s blue, “Pleaseee?” 

“No.”

“Pleaseeeee?” He tried once more.

“No, Tommy.” Technoblade grumped as he tried to go back to writing, he was hunched over his paper. His quill moved quickly and skillfully, easily forming the letters he desired. Tommy was situated on the floor next to him, arms crossed and blue eyes glazed over - tears threatening to spill if he didn’t get his way. “Techno, I want the wolf thing you made!” He shouted as he stood up and stomped on the floor. “It’s a coyote, Tommy. There’s a difference.” 

“I don’t care if it’s a coy- whatever, I want one to hang on the tree!” 

      A staring contest ensued, Tommy’s cheeks were red, the anger showed in his eyes. “Fine, I’ll make another…” Technoblade mumbled as he brought out another sheet of the expensive paper. “If you lose this one I’m telling Phil-” 

     “Techno you’re such a pushover-” Wilbur laughed from the doorway as he entered, sitting down next to Tommy on the carpet. “You should-”

“-ask him to make another one for you the next time you see him.” Tommy nodded, “Yeah, I should.” He gently grabbed the vulture figure, “I’ll give it to him.”

    “That sounds good, now come on- I’m exhausted.” Wilbur breathed as he grabbed Tommy by the shoulder, leading him through the village. 

     The streets were lined with the humble homes of its occupants. They were rather small, the base built of stone bricks and the upper being wood. Some of the houses had a  small stable next to it, or a small garden. The most notable one was that one building covered in vines. They stretched across the walls and led to a larger area filled to the brim with flower pots. Above the entrance was a sign which read: “Niki’s Flower Shop.” Tommy made a mental note to himself to let Wilbur know of it, he’d love to visit Niki sometime during the week while they were there. Continuing along the street they finally found the inn. It was a large building with three floors, the windows were large so it was easy to peek into the rooms. The door leading inside was open and Tommy could feel the warmth radiating from the fireplace inside. 

      “Well, Tommy. Let’s get inside.” Wilbur sighed with content as they stepped inside, the warmth did not disappoint as it was a pleasant contrast to the cold outside. The first thing Tommy saw was the front desk, currently occupied by a young woman with fluffy white hair. Wilbur walked up to the woman to ask for a room for the night, and he continued to look around. Tables with seemingly hand-made table cloths and candles were spread out in the large room. Along one of the walls was a bar, a man who seemed to be a bit shorter than Tommy was occupied with serving one of the guests a drink. Behind the man there was a door which he assumed to lead to the kitchen. 

      “Tommy,” Wilbur walked up next to him, keys jingling in his hand, “come on, let’s go to our room. We can get dinner later.” He put the keys in his pocket, grabbing Tommy’s shoulder. “Wilbur, did you recognize that woman at the desk?” Wilbur was slowly leading them towards the large staircase in the very back of the dining area. “No, why? Did you?” 

      Tommy shrugged, something about her had felt so familiar. Just from distantly listening to their conversation Tommy could recognize her voice. It was like a weird case of deja vú. “I don’t know, Wil- It’s like I know her, no, more like I used to. I got that feeling- like, when you see an old friend for the first time in years.” 

      “Huh,” Wilbur paused in front of the stairs, “I’ve never seen her in my life before. Maybe you saw her the last time we came here.” Wilbur started walking up the tall stairs. “Our room is on the second floor,” he shrugged off his coat as they reached the top of the stairs. “I bet you’re fucking burning up in that coat here,” Tommy laughed as he stretched his arms in front of him, following Wilburs lead towards their room. “Yeah? Well, you would be too if you were wearing it.” Wilbur gently punched his shoulder as he stopped in front of a door. “Here it is.” Tommy nodded, “Well come on, open the door then.” Wilbur clumsily handed his coat to Tommy, trying to reach into his pocket for the keys. “Shit, Wilbur - your coat is really heavy-” Wilbur huffed out a laugh, “Is it? Or are you just weak?” He inserted the key and turned it, the door opening. “Ouch-” Wilbur huffed as Tommy threw the coat over him. “What the hell was that for!?” 

      “Well, since it isn’t heavy I thought you could carry it yourself,” Tommy mocked as he stepped into the room. It wasn’t large by any means, it could barely fit the two beds which leaned against the big window. Next to the door was a lit fireplace and a wardrobe. He walked to the window and pulled the curtains apart, seeing how the last bit of the sun sank in the horizon. 

“This is a nice room,” Wilbur sighed as he hung his coat in the wardrobe. “Wil, the sky is really pretty isn’t it?” Wilbur turned towards him. “Where are you going with this? You usually make fun of me for pointing that out.” 

    Tommy sighed, looking down at the few people who were still outside. “It’s just that- something has been bugging me.” He swallowed, “What?” 

      “Do you still think Tubbo’s alive?” He breathed heavily as the words escaped him, he had wanted to ask that since the trip was announced. Tommy suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, spinning him around and making him face Wilbur. “Tommy?” Wilbur asked. “Yes?” 

     “I know you feel guilty for what happened, but you have to realize it was the only way.” He paused, “If you hadn’t done that both of you would’ve died.”

     “But I hurt him-” Tommy mumbled, turning his face away from Wilbur’s piercing gaze. “Stop, Tommy. I’m sure he’s alive, and even if he isn’t I know he would forgive you.” Tommy could feel Wilbur’s arms wrap around him, trapping him in a tight embrace. “Thank you…” Tommy whispered as Wilbur hesitantly stepped away, as if he wasn’t ready to. “Now, Tommy. I want you to…” He started to dig through his hip pouch, finally finding what he was looking for. “...I want you to order whatever you want for dinner, okay? Order me something you think I’d like while you’re at it.” Wilbur handed him an open, small coin pouch. It was nearly full. “Are you sure-”                                               

     “Yes. I’m going to make sure our horses are safe in the stable, it might take like- 20 minutes.” Wilbur started to walk towards the door as Tommy started at the floor, holding back tears. “Oh and Tommy, don’t think about the price.” He could hear the door close, and he sank to the floor - closing his eyes and letting the tears fall freely. He could see it in front of him every time he tried to sleep. Tubbo’s bloody hand trying to reach for his leg from the ground. Tommy having to snatch his leg away and ground himself, readying his shield and-

     Tommy tried to open his eyes, but when he did all he could see was darkness. Don’t let him die. The voice echoed as he was plunged beneath the surface of the water once more. 

[dreams-of-wings]

Impossible (7/8)

Imagine Billy Hargrove with a Mixed/Biracial SO

Warnings: SEASON 3 SPOILERS, Swearing, mild violence, angst.

The rest of the week flies by, with Billy weaning himself away from hanging out with Tommy and Carol and more to hanging out with you.

Billy actually learned a couple things that just barely helped him scrape by on his tests.

You passed with flying colors of course.

Now y'all are in the "real world"

Billy snags a summer job as a life guard.

You got a job at the hospital as a patient escort (the hours ain't bad, and it pays good).

You visit Billy at the pool sometimes, and you both still hang out on weekends.

Tommy and Carol don't hang around him anymore (because popularity status from high school no longer matters).

You're trying to help Billy move out of his house, but getting a place of your own isn't easy, so you manage to convince your parents to let him move in with you guys.

He has to stay in the guest room and pay rent though, obviously.

Billy still hasn't moved in yet though because he wants to save a bit of money before he has to worry about paying bills.

It's a smart idea and you support him.

For the most part your Summer is just working, hanging out with friends after work, and juggling the kids (Will, Dustin till he goes to summer camp, Mike, Lucas, and Max. You don't worry about Eleven because she isn't really allowed out of her house).

One day when the kids are all hanging out at your place, Billy walks in and treats the place like he lives there.

Just walks in grabs the milk from your fridge and makes himself a bowl of Cereal, before sitting in a stool by your kitchens island.

Thay all just kinda stare at him for a moment in silence.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Billy just rolls his eyes and finishes his bowl before getting up to go to the bathroom.

"Ah, ah! Put it in the sink!" You just happen to walk past to grab something from your parents room.

He doesn't fuss, throw a fit, or even act remotely annoyed. He just back tracks and put the bowl in the sink, filling it with warm water before continuing on his way.

Once you both are out of ear shot, Lucas mentions how he's glad the two of you are dating, because Billy's gotten a whole lot better. He's still an ass, but old Billy would have tried to scare the shit out of the kids for fun just for staring at him. New Billy was just annoyed.

Max acts like she's disgusted, not at the idea of the two of you being together, but just because Billy is her brother and she's just grossed out by the thought of him with anyone really.

"They are not dating!"

"They totally are, did you not see the way they just interacted!" Mike is whisper yelling.

"Yeah, it was actually kinda..." Lucas shrugged and looked at Mike.

"Domestic," Mike found the word Lucas was looking for.

"Nu-uh! Billy's just moving in, so he should know house rules by now." Max tried to justify what just happened, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms, before sitting back into the couch with a huff.

"That statement really doesn't help your case."

"Trust us, they're dateing."

"Who's dating?" You walk in just then.

"No one!" "Mike and Eleven!" "Max and Lucas!" They all had conflicting answers to your question.

You just raised a brow in confusion at them.

At that moment Billy steps out with his red duffle bag and heads out for work, "Forgot I left my stuff here the other night," he explains as he passes you to the door.

The kids all look at each other, 'The other night?'

"Okay, there's leftovers in the fridge!" You call as he opens the door.

Billy pauses again and backtracks, closing the door, going to the fridge, and opening it. He paused for a moment as if searching, and then he pulls out a Tupperware container with last night's dinner in it, before putting it in his duffle and heading out again, "Thanks," he opens the door, "See you later!"

"See you!" You turn and look back at the kids, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

They kinda just stare at you gobsmacked.

"Nothing."

The kids actually make it there mission for a while to prove to Max that the two of you are together, but all they succeed in doing is getting caught and threatened by Billy to "Fuck off" and "take your sick jokes elsewhere." He doesn't appreciate peeping toms, especially when they're peeping at him.

Still kinda the same old Billy, just much less dramatic.

You notice something's up with Billy though after he gets attacked by the Mind Flyer.

He seems paranoid, tense, and almost bipolar.

You ask him constantly about it when you see him, and at first he tells you its nothing.

You thought his dad found out about him trying to leave because now he doesn't come around your house anymore.

You still see him at the pool, and he'll stop by, but he never stays.

He becomes awkward in conversations, like he's there, but not completely.

You wonder if he's depressed.

Then he starts avoiding you all together after Heather goes missing (of course you didn't know that she'd gone missing).

When you manage to corner him at the pool, Billy seems to revert back to his old High School self.

He's rude and tells you he wants you to stay away from him.

You're honestly really hurt now because you've made so much progress.

He was supposed to be moving in for gods sake.

Little do you know he's just trying to protect you.

You're the last person he wants to hurt.

He's already hurt one of his coworkers.

He almost hurt Mrs. Wheeler.

But you don't know about her.

When the kids try to spy on Billy, your house is the first place they go to.

Max has been sleeping over at Elevens house the past few nights, so she doesn't know he's been actively ghosting you.

"I dont know, he's avoiding me."

They of course thought that was weird, just a few days ago he seemed so comfortable in this house and around you, and suddenly he's giving you the cold shoulder?

"Did you guys get into a fight?" Max is concerned now because she's really hoping Billy is not the host. They're looking for Billy to do very un-Billy things as proof, and this- thus us very un-Billy.

"No, one day he was fine, then the next he acts like he doesn't want to talk to me if he doesn't have to, and now he's avoiding me all together!" You're actually getting very frustrated now.

"Do you guys know something? Did something happen? Is Billy okay?"

"No nothing," You still dont know about what's been going on the past year or so. You weren't there when they caught off the Demigorgon and you weren't there for the fall of the Mind Flyr either. They had to keep it a secret, "Max just noticed he hadn't been around you lately."

"Friends don't lie," Eleven doesn't like that they were hiding Billy's life being in danger. If something happens to him, you would be hurt, and it would partially be their fault for not telling you the truth.

They try to keep Eleven quiet.

Spoiler, it doesn't work.

So they have to tell you everything that's happened since Will disappeared.

You didn't believe them at first of course, but then Eleven shows you her powers and you start to second guess yourself.

It would at least explain Billy's sudden odd behavior, and why Will acted strange after he returned.

Of course you had always blaimed it on PTSD since you didn't know what the kid had truly been through.

Now you see it's much worse than you could have imagined.

So now your in on the madness.

The next place the kids go is the pool.

Shocker, he's there.

"Its too hot outside to be wearing a long sleeve," is your contribution to their debate on whether or not Billy seems like Billy right now.

"True, but light color cloths make it a bit cooler."

Also true.

None of you could see from this distance, that Billy us sweating buckets right now.

But at least the sun isn't hitting him directly, so he skin won't burn and give him another lesion.

The boys are talking about their plan, but your too lost I thought watching Billy to notice them leave you, Max, and Eleven behind.

It was odd to think that this person you were watching wasn't really Billy. He looked like Billy, but he didn't act or think like him.

When the boys come back then fill you in on the plan.

For the most part you're just hiding with Max, but you will come in handy if the real Billy is still in there somewhere.

You show yourself alongside Max.

Billy pauses for a second, like his mind is trying to comprehend that you're a part of this.

"Why?" He actually looks vulnerable and his voice sounds broken, till it slowly contorts into a look of anger and he starts banging o the door.

Your a little unnerved.

And your having flashbacks from back in High School when you and Billy still didn't get along.

He doesn't understand why this is happening to him.

Everything was going great.

He had a job.

He was working on getting out of his father's house.

And he actually felt like he had someone he could trust.

Then you had to go and do this to him.

That's when it occured to him.

He's been treating you like shit these past few days.

And he's done terrible things

Maybe he deserves this.

That's when he screams in frustration, anger, and sadness, before he starts sobbing.

"Its not my fault...."

"Please."

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean to."

He's pleading to you and Max with a broken voice and a broken spirit.

For once Billy looks the way he's always felt on the inside.

Desperate, alone, and afraid.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you."

"It's not my fault, I promise you."

You're the first to approach the door, and Max follows right behind you as she begins to question Billy.

"He made me do it."

When Max questioned him about who "he" was and what "he" made him do, Billy seemed to retreat into himself more.

The sight broke your heart.

After high school, Billy seemed better, and after he started slowly getting away from his father he actually seemed more confident- and not that fake ass peacocking he didn't in school either, like actual confidence.

But now he was fighting something he couldn't get away from.

He slowly lays down on the floor and continues to beg and plead.

He can't even say what he's done.

You almost open the door, till Mike and Eleven stop you.

Your almost on the verge of tears.

"He's my friend....."

"That's not Billy," Mike says sternly.

"He's hurt," you're trying to get them to let you open the door.

But you stop when Will tells you he can feel "him."

Mike backs of first and tells you and Max to get away from the door.

You're confused at first, but you see Billy just as he comes for the window with the piece of tile.

You push yourself away from the door, and take Max with you, saving her from being hurt by the thing posing as her bother.

When Billy manages to get out and starts hurting the kids, you call out to him.

He stops to look at you and you can see the real Billy in his eyes and in his lip that quivers slightly at the edges.

When El starts throwing him around the room all you and Max can do is hold eachother.

Billy had changed, and you all had gotten so close, and now you have to watch someone you have come to love get hurt.

It breaks your heart to see how desperately he wants to fight this thing. He's always tense, like he's trying to hold his body back, and the tear that trails down his face tells you that again, he's so sorry for what he's doing right now.

You're relieved when he runs off because it means that he can't hurt the kids, and they can't hurt him anymore.

Max is glad she at least has you with her.

Sure she has Lucas, but her friends never really liked Billy, so they don't understand why she cares so much.

You go to the hospital with the kids when Nancy and Jonathan take them along.

You pose as Mrs. Driscoll's grandchild as well.

It was terrifying seeing a pile of gore come to life and chase your friends down.

After you all got back to Eleven's house, you can't stop pacing up and down, and you're just making Max more on edge.

I mean who could blame you though.

Those guys at the hospital who turned to mush were under that monsters control, so what was keeping it from doing the same thing to Billy?

What if he dies a horrible painful death? And you can't be there with him?

Max tries to reassure you that everything will be alright.

After all, they've beaten this thing before.

Though it does sound more like she's trying to convince herself more than she is trying to convince you.

You sit down when Max and Mike get into an argument about Eleven. Honestly, after the night you've had, you've just realized how physically, emotionally, and mentally drained you are. You didn't even think you've slept in almost 24 hours - the kids came to your house, you went with them to the pool, you watched Billy till the end of the day when his shift ended, trapt him in the sauna (mind you it was already dark when the Sauna Test went down), craziness happened, went to Eleven's place so she could find Hopper and they could fill him in on what's going on (because apparently the Sharif is in on this madness too), and that's when Nancy and Jonathan arrived with their information on Mrs. Driscoll, and now your here.

Maybe it's been a little more than 24 hours... Perhaps you should lay down...

Meanwhile, Billy is off doing God knows what.

He's trapt in his own mind - completely aware of what's happening but he's unable to do anything about it.

This monster has taken control of him from the inside and the first few days it at least seemed like he had some semblance of control - like he was driving and the monster was sitting in the back seat telling him what to do. Of course at that point he didn't have to listen, but then it started showing him things. It migrated to shotgun and started messing with the steering wheel.

Now it just feels like it's in the driver's seat, but he's bound and gagged in the back passenger seat where he can at least see everything.

It was hard hurting those kids. He had promised Max he would never hurt her friends again, and honestly, because of you he and his little sister had grown closer, and he's actually been relatively happy. He had just been starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Hawkins wasn't so bad and he could stay.

Then shit hit the fan.

He had never seen you so afraid of him in the time he has known you. Not even when you both didn't get along in high school. Back then, you had more of a rebellious fire in your eyes, and no matter what he did to try and snuff it- to make you afraid of him, it only seemed to feed the fire. But back in the sauna...you looked petrified, unsure, on edge, afraid.

Ironic how now that he desperately wants to protect you and Max, you're both can't trust him.

Why is he like this?

Why does he always screw things up?

His mom left him.

His dad hates him.

He was a fuck up all throughout school.

He had shitty friends who, let's be honest, weren't really even his friends.

He hurt- maybe even indirectly killed his coworker.

He almost killed Karen. Oh God, Mrs. Wheeler. He regrets trying to get her to meet him at the hotel. He doesn't even have feelings for her - he just thought she was hot and wanted to get laid, and by an older woman at that. In fact, he had been on his way to meet her when he was attacked.

And now he's probably lost you and Max.

He feels utterly and terribly alone.

When you wake up, it's to the sound of El screaming. She's freaking out because of the vision she just had of talking to Billy.

The conversation about what she just saw was very sobering. You are wide awake now that the possibility of death looms over you, and the sound of screeching from the approaching monster in the distance doesn't help.

It found you.

You all get the house ready - shut the windows, close the blinds, block off possible openings and stand back to back.

You would feel much safer in a basement.

When it comes through the windows, you help Jonathan fight it off to the best of your ability, but you both end up getting thrown around the room.

Thank whatever supernatural being put El on this earth, because you all would have died without her.

Fast forward to you all going to Starcourt Mall

You help Eleven walk because she's injured, and since Steve isn't here, you're mom now.

Apparently everyone was somehow already on to fishy stuff happening? But what do Russians have to do with anything?

You're so worried about El, that bite looks bad. Like, infected bad, but it can't have been more than an hour or two since she got it, so it can't have progressed that quick.

You know something isn't right.

And you are proven correct when you see something wriggling around in the wound.

Props to El, for being so strong when Johnathan tried to remove that nasty thing, and then removing it herself.

They would have had to knock you the fuck out first if that were you- all the nope.

You all know what happens.

Part 8 will hopefully be the end. Idk we'll see, maybe I will get carried away and make it too long and then their will be 9 lol.

Like I did with this imagine. It was only supposed to be one part, but here we are going on 8.

I apologize for this part following season 3 so closely. As you all can tell I like to at least try and make my own content so it doesn't just feel like you're reading the show, and I think my struggles reflect on this part a bit. I have seen season 3 at least 4 times now because I was trying to find a way do this without just basically rewriting the season with the reader patched into it, but it was either this, have the reader just kinda loose contact with Billy and then find out he's "dead" (my denial is showing), or have reader become one of the flayed (let's be honest, not much would probably go on there). Plus this option has the most angst I feel.

Hope y'all are ready for the angst in the next part.

[freshberries]

um thinkfast and.... all of them..... but mostly 1 3 13 & 20 because all of them is a lot

Willow you know me so well

This ones a long one boys

Who is the most affectionate?

I like to believe that once they have settled down into their relationship, that Tommy has learned better ways of coping besides running, so, for me it’s Tommy, he loves David with all his heart he really does, and tbh big fucking kin.

Most common argument?

I’m stuck between arguing over Tommy eating healthier (Listen as much as Tommys gotten better with cooking, if given the opportunity, he will binge on fast food like crazy, and David’s in the background like “Tommy please the SODIUM”) and David overworking himself (”Babe its 3AM, you can do the taxes later come back to bed”) 

Either way it comes from a place of love and concern for the other because they are both HEAD OVER HEELS IN L O V E WITH EACH OTHER AND IM SOBBING.

Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

First time they’ve held hands period its David, but in general? I’d say its an equal amount once the relationship settles down

With David, sometimes he notices Tommy’s stressed and needs grounding or he himself needs an anchor. He probably used to have a stress ball but finds this works better and also makes him like, ten times happier

Tommy doesn’t do it when they first start dating, being afraid of showing affection and all, but like one day Tommy is just like “fuck it” and grabs onto his hand and David turns to him with the BIGGEST HEART EYES cause he LOVES HIM and Tommy starts doing it more often from there, and David never stops with the heart eyes cause hes literally gone for Tommy and would go to the moon and back for him, you know how it is.

What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

I’m not counting Mary and Frank Shepard cause fuck those losers

Christopher and Dorothy Alleyne love Tommy cause like Tommy is one of the few people that can get David to stop working himself to an early grave (other include America, Nori, and Kim), but yeah they love Tommy a lot.

Christopher seems a lot like a football playing dad from what I remember of him so I imagine one day while David and Tommy decided to visit the family Christopher just turns to Tommy and goes “Wanna go outside and play some catch, son” and Tommy is like surprised for a second, but like accepts because David and Dorothy are catching up and ✨ father son bonding time ✨.Tommy even tries not to use his powers (sometimes fails cause he has a lot of energy and that’s okay) and they end up having a lot of fun, they make it a thing to do whenever they visit

Tommy learns that David got his love for jazz from his mother when he catches her cleaning while humming a song playing on the radio, he starts to help her clean and ends up humming with her because it just so happens that David loves this song and he sometimes sings it while doing taxes like a loser. They end up just dancing in the living room and when David goes to check on them after he and his dad finish cooking and cleaning the kitchen, he ends up leaning against a wall watching them cause his life is SO PERFECT right now and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Kim and Tommy meet and its half chaos half calm. Kim shares the dirt she has on David and David just groans the entire time but Tommy’s just laughing cause oh my god, were you really a duck for your first Halloween? David stop putting your head in your hands you look cute please I love you.

Tommy loves kids though so even though she’s like, at very least a teenager, he loves spending time with her and she thinks Tommy’s totally a blast. That can sometimes he bad because sometimes things turn out to be flammable and that’s not good. But yeah, she loves Tommy and loves bullying David about how in love David is with Tommy but David doesn’t care because he loves his little sister and he loves Tommy and likes knowing she approves of their relationship (not that he ever though his family wouldn’t, they took the mutant thing well, I don’t think their son being bi changes much for them.)

Rebecca and Jeff Kaplan don’t care cause Tommy is literally soul twins with their son, being bi isn’t more surprising than that. Additionally, I don’t think they would care about Tommy being bi if they didn’t care about Billy being gay? Either way they are real chill about it. Rebecca offers David banana muffins whenever David and Tommy come to visit the them, idk why she just likes making muffins. Jeff Kaplan kinda isn’t real to me at times so idk what hes doing, probably reading a newpaper as Rebecca and David make polite conversation like they’re at a book club of some shit. Tommy’s probably playing with the younger kids cause, once again, he loves kids. Also he might have accidentally set something on fire again, he really doesn’t mean to do it it just happens sometimes.

Wanda is really happy Tommy and David are happy together, and she loves David, but she sometimes worry's that he doesn’t like her because of everything that happened with M-Day, so after a while they have to talk about it. The thing with that is that, David will never forget that day, forget how 40 of his friends died, how he should have died, how he lost his mutation, M-Day haunts him, and it will never completely stop haunting him. But things get better, at least a little bit. David gets his memories back, he learns how to deal with his trauma, mutant kind becomes a little less endangered, and sometimes if he wakes up in the middle of the night because of nightmares, being around Tommy helps.

M-Day will always haunt David, but things get a bit better for him. He understands why Wanda was so upset, it doesn’t change what she did, but he understands, and knows shes trying to make up for it. So David basically explains that to her and they are good and can have like, a conversation since they now both have their peace. Wanda would defiantly offer to restore David’s powers, but tbh I’m not sure whether he’d accept it or not, I’m already so off track anyways so I can talk about that at a later date.

Pietro is kinda like Kim but instead he bullies Tommy about how much he loves David, its typical family teasing though, he loves his nephew and his nephews boyfriend.

I ALMOST FORGOT MAGNETO. They are super fucking chill with it cause all mutants are gay, he’s the OG gay mutant and he’s happy his children and grandchildren are carrying on Magnetos Gay Legacy™️ and that’s that, period point blank.

Billy and David are fucking chill and I’ll demolish ANYONE who says otherwise, but Billy does give David the shovel talk. Besides the shovel talk, Billy is happy for his brother and his friend and really wishes the best for them.

Teddy and David are also fucking chill and I’ll fight anyone on this fact too. Teddy kinda gives David a high five because Teddy’s a chad and that’s the only way he knows how to express emotion. But its kinda like a “Cool! So we’re kinda like brothers now!” high five and David understands his friend is just trying to be supportive.

Kate just kinda fucking, yells, she a chaotic bi that’s just how it works. She’s basically really happy for them and since Kate and Tommy gossiped to each other about their crushes back when they thought it wasn’t reciprocated (as best friends do) and she’s like really happy things worked out for the both of them.

America smirks and looks her platonic soulmate (David) and is like “You finally asked him out? Good job” and like pats him on the back because they lived with each other in college and while he doesn’t drink often, lets just say when he does drink, David is a sappy drunk gay. Internally she’s like, very much crying because, oh my god? Davids so happy and she’s so happy her friend is happy. Shes an emotional gay she just likes to pretend shes not and that’s fucking valid.

Loki just kinda, has a realization about it. About why David literally spent two weeks tracking the young avengers down, about what David meant when he said he’s into good guys. Loki’s a chaos demon so they just kinda let out an “ohhhh” and turn to Tommy and say “I would’ve made the same choice buddy.” and like, disappear. They’re happy for their friends of course but their love of starting shit wins out.

Noh just kinda shrugs, he doesn’t care of course but he also doesn’t care enough to really react, he might say something like “good job” cause hes dumb but that’s about it

Eli would come back to visit the young avengers while David and Tommy are well into their relationship, so he’d kinda just be surprised by how calm Tommy looks and he and David would get along very well, considering they are both leaders by heart. Eli starts to visit more often after that first visit, its one of the main reasons David and Tommy always have a guest room set up now.

Cassie is kinda just like “Another brother, sweet” and rolls with it. Totally loves asking Tommy for updates on their relationship because Tommy could talk forever about how much he loves David, it makes her happy knowing her brother is happy.

There are so many of the New X-Men I can’t name like all of them but I’ll get through the ones I remember. If I don’t name one of your faves just assume they approve because all the x-men are gay anyways and everyone loved David so its not like someone would like, fight him or anything.

Josh is really chill with Tommy, and he tells Tommy about all the adventures they’ve had (Tommy lowkey freaks at the time David got his heart ripped out but hes fine now! its okay don’t worry I made him a new one!). Josh and David of course need to catch up though and Tommy sometimes just watches David as they talk because he can tell David is really happy talking to his best friend.

Nori and Tommy aren’t awkward, cause fuck that shit they’re adults now and David and Nori totally talked shit out. Instead Nori and Tommy just kinda laugh at David cause like, you totally have a thing for speedsters David, don’t even pretend.

Julian and Tommy are equally chaotic so they run around doing dumb shit while Davids talking to the new students.

Santos reaction is kinda funny cause hes like, wait, YOUR IN THE YOUNG AVENGERS NOW? AND YOUR DATING ONE OF THE YOUNG AVENGERS? And David totally wasn’t there for that conversation where Santo found out about the young avengers and now Santo really wants to meet Teddy for some reason and Tommy looks to David for an explanation but he’s just as confused.

Cess, Sooraya, and Laura are in the same boat of “I’m happy your happy” since I don’t remember them being too too close to David but I know at the very least that they were friends, and they would be happy that David got someone that could get him to relax, even just for a little bit.

Sorry this took so long Willow, I got off topic a little bit but I tried my best.

[remember-wim-faros]

Episode 7 – An Automatic Spark

When a tree falls in a forest and no one’s around to hear it

- It makes a sound!

Rod: [plays flute]

Deirdre: Wim Faros reaches out his hand from the past and invites us to let the world hear his sound again. Hello. I’m Deirdre Gardner in Rosemary Hills, and this is a very special episode of “It Makes a Sound”. Today… Rod? Rod? Hey Rod, Rod! Can you stop that?

Rod: Oh I’m so sorry, I just..

Deirdre: It’s, it’s distracting.

Rod: I found it over, I-I shouldn’t have picked it up.

Deirdre: That’s OK, that’s OK. Wim Faros reaches out like sinewy roots of a tree climbing up, bursting forth, gasping towards the surface. We break the earth to receive him. His spirit cannot be contained, it stretches out beyond the decades! We stretch too. Our fingers pulse towards him, anticipating his gifts. He hands us – a box full of treasures. Among them, a laminated sleeve containing a cardboard coaster marked with the date 6 21 92, scribbled upon it like hieroglyphs. The music of the Attic Tape!

Mom: She’s sort of funny.

Deirdre: And Mom, my Mom, remembers the songs. Somewhere they are perfectly archived in her brain. She’s our North Star. And it’s up to us to jog her memory. Right Mom?

[maraca, flute]

Deirdre: Welcome to today’s episode. Delicately placed on the table before us is that coaster, bearing the insignia of Rosemary Hills clubhouse: sprigs of rosemary hovering over hill on a golf course. Now it is covered with notations. His cheat sheet for the songs he played at Tricia Elwood’s 8th grade graduation party. Are they straightforward? For the non-genius, no.

Mom: Oh o!

Deirdre: Sometimes there are, are strings of lyrics knotted up around each other. Sometimes the letters are backwards or whole words are swapped. At times the chords seem to be sprinkled haphazardly next to the lyrics and tiny tiny letters. Luckily, listeners, I have created a system of organization, which will make it easier to see and untangle the information on the coaster. And cross-referenced it with other lyrics we have verified from the purple velveteen diary. Or the memory of Mom. Or the memory of of Deirdre Gardner. Borrowing techniques of historians before me I have here, on a large chalkboard on wheels, all the information we have so far charted onto a graph. And I have also been using my piano to test out some of these chords. Now now I admit that’s a somewhat limited test but I-I’ve been trying to figure them out by sound.

Rod: You did a lot of work!

Deirdre: Yes. Thankfully with me today to aide us in our quest is another special guest: Rod Reeder. Mom’s part-time nurse and an actual amateur musician.

Rod: It’s very detailed, it’s like a hospital chart, but different. You have good handwriting.

Deirdre: Oh thank you. Listeners, as Rod can see, I have attempted to separate out lyrics one line at a time. And these arrows see Rod? In a separate colored chalk point to the chords that most likely go with each lyrical line.

Rod: And what’s this square mean down here with the big question mark?

Deirdre: Ooh that’s, well that’s for the big unknowns. For instance um, track number 6, “Star 69”. We don’t seem to have lyrics to that at all. Also um, you know, things like the Deirdre Gardner connection, the the DGC as I’ve written here. Um, why was a newspaper clipping containing my picture in the time capsule? How does this affect the music? Things like that, big unknowns.

Mom: Who knows!

Deirdre: So today, our goal is to take the information, decipher it from the coaster, to restore the songs on the cassette tape recording of Wim Faros’ first concert, played here on the golf course in 1992. The cassette tape lost, found and, well currently inaccessible due to an unforeseen technical malfunction. Rod and I are ready. We are caffeinated, right? Right Rod, are we?

Rod: Yes, yes.

Deirdre: We have our coffee.

Rod: Mm hm.

Deirdre: Grab your coffee, listeners. Let’s go.

Rod: OK, you cozy, Mrs G?

Mom: Yes, thank you.

Deirdre: So Rod, looking at the chalk board..

Rod: You want a pillow?

Mom: Maybe just a pillow.

Rod: Yeah, sure.

Deirdre: Rod, oh sorry, when you’re done over there.

Rod: No we’re, were fine.

Deirdre: Rod, looking up here. Now is there anything that jumps out to you as an easily identifiable melodic sequence?

Rod: You sure you’re cozy? OK. Oh uh uh, well maybe, no I mean we have the chords and that’s super but it’s hard to know what, you know, the rhythm and the style of the line is.

Deirdre: Well that’s OK. Um, as someone once said, “begin anywhere”.

Rod: OK. Um, how about right here? [plays chord]

Deirdre: Mmm uh actually, let’s begin here. See on the coaster, these notes that run along the top edge? Here they are written out on the board. Do you see? So now, let’s cross-reference that with what is, is written here on the left hand edge. I think they might match, I’ve been working on it. Am I right that the first chord is kind of like uh uuh this? [plays chord]

Rod: Yeah, sure.

Deirdre: Yeah.

Rod: Uh huh.

Deirdre: So it’s like, [plays and reads] “Round in a cul-de-sac, one way out turn back. Either way my life is stun..ted by this one-way dead end track. Track.” This lyric is from his song titled “Cul-de-Sac”, now that’s track number 7 on the Attic Tape.

Rod: Yeah. Um here let me just, look at that..

Deirdre: Oh, OK.

Rod: Excuse me.

Deirdre: Yeah.

Rod: [plays chords fast]

Deirdre: Wow, Rod OK. Um, that’s very good, how do I do that? Well wait slower slower slower, it’s slower than that.

Rod: Oh sorry. [plays chords slower]

Deirdre: Oh, oh yes! That’s right, that’s right! Now wait, show me how to do that.

Rod: Yeah just here, um..

Deirdre: [plays chords] OK.. and, I’m doing! OK, so it was like… [sings] “Round in a cul-de-sac, one way out”, is that the tune?

Rod: Yeah, sure sounds great.

Deirdre: Yeah?

Rod: Yeah. Um, it sounds like the, there’s a, you have to go back to this chord here.

Deirdre: [plays chord] OK.

Rod: Yeah. But..

Deirdre: OK, so I do this?

Rod: Uh huh. So you’re singing that…

Mom: Ooh yes!

Rod: [sings] “Round in a cul-de-sac”…

Deirdre: [plays and sings] “Round in a cul-de-sac, one way out turn back. Either way, my life is stunted by this one-way dead end track.”

Mom: Ooh yes, yes! So that is the best (--) [0: 09:29].

Rod: You like it, Mrs G?

Deirdre: Listeners, listeners! Mom lights up as we play this part of the song. Mom, can you help me sing? What comes after that part?

Rod: OK, let’s start again.

Deirdre: OK. [chuckles]

Rod and Deirdre: [sing the same bit again]

Mom: [sings in different rhythm] That is (nicey icy man), he has a fork.

Deirdre: She remembered all of his other songs, she had it exactly. It was like she was present with Wim Faros in 1992.

Rod: Yeah well, sure music is amazing. For a patient like Mrs G singing and rhythm playing, these things don’t need a lot of mental processing but the rhythmic cues she hears get the brain’s motor going anyway. So tunes and rhythms and rhymes she knew a long time ago can remain intact in the brain, no matter what. An automatic spark.

Mom: Spark!

Deirdre: Listener, an automatic spark! Well that’s why she can recite some poems and speeches from her acting days, huh? OK so, so we have to accurately find, like the exact rhythm and tune to trigger her memory. We just need to get it right and then she’ll be with us.

Rod: Well, you know sometimes, no matter what music is like, it’s good. Helps her with her mood, can stimulate or sedate. It’s great for agitation management.

Deirdre: Well Mom knew that music though. She was there at the clubhouse. Plus that cassette was like all I played for a year. Let’s try it again, I think we could…

Rod and Deirdre: [play and sing]

Mom: [sings in a different rhythm]

[thumping on the roof]

Mom: The damn birds are after us, from inside the house. There, squawwwk!

Cody: Hi, what’s up?

Deirdre: Oh Cody, how did you..?

Cody: Well I rang the doorbell but nobody came and then I-I tried the door and the door was open so I just came in. I was supposed to go Tommy (Niehart’s) house after school, but I told Tommy that we should come here and, and Tommy said that he would never come here after what you did to his property, and I said that and he he said that I should be careful too, and that I I should watch out in case you got mad and I told him to shut up. I said actually I wanna play here instead of with him, so that’s why I came here and I texted my Mom that I am coming here and um that that you will watch me, and she said fine and thanks because she has to work for a few more hours and she always says that, I’m not stimulated enough and I told her that, I told her that you guys are really super s-stimulating and I wanna help find Wim Faros and I don’t care what you did to Tommy (Niehart).

Deirdre: Oh. Well I appreciate that Cody, um… You know, I’m glad you came over. We’re working on the songs.

Cody: [gasps] Mom: What did you do?

Rod: Yeah Deirdre, what did you do to Tommy (Niehart)?

Deirdre: Oh I uh, it’s nothing, I-I broke his iPhone.

Cody: She threw it out the window she was, she was our substitute teacher and Tommy was playing with his iPhone during class and she tossed it out the window, we heard it go cra-a-ack!

Deirdre: Yeah but it’s, it’s all fine. I mean it’s all been taken care of. Um Cody, you know it’s good that you’re here, it’s good that you’re here we’ll we’ll need someone to document our work today.

Cody: I could do that, yeah!

Deirdre: Um yes, and what lyrics and chords go together for each song. What worked and what didn’t.

Cody: OK.

Deirdre: Ladies and gentlemen, another special guest, a surprise special guest on today’s show: Cody Elwood!

Cody: …-Nowakowsky.

Deirdre: Research assistant. He will take notes.

Cody: Uh, on my iPhone?

Deirdre: No. We’re noting all of our findings on the blackboard, with the colored chalk. Here you go.

Cody: I never used chalk.

Rod: Well that’s sad.

Mom: You love chocolate pancakes.

Deirdre: That’s right Mom. Listeners, we will come back to track number 7, “Cul-de-Sac”, but for now, let’s move on to a different song to see if Mom has a more specific response. She’s kind of like a Ouija board.

Cody: I wanna look! Ahem. Oh listeners, I’m researching. I like this one with the exclamation points. It says “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get uuuuup!”

Mom: (-) [0:14:30] the (clapper).

Rod: Classic. [chuckles]

Deirdre: Yes Mom that’s right [chuckles], that was the commercial. But then there was Wim Faros’ song, which was a piercing critique of capitalism.

Cody: What’s capitalism?

Rod: Uh, take your iPhone for example.

Deirdre: Uh we’ll explain later Cody, OK?

Cody: [whispers] OK.

Rod: Here are the chords that you’ve written next to it. Is this (-) [0: 14:54]?

Deirdre: Let’s hear.

Rod: [plays fast country style music]

Deirdre: Um no, no no no. That sounds so folksy, it’s way edgier, it’s more intense. Um, I wonder could you maybe try it on the keyboard?

Rod: Sure.

Deirdre: I mean it was a controversial song, you see. Um, it was really powerful. It was a stunning choice to play at Tricia’s 8th grade graduation party, really. It sent a message. I can almost feel the social tension of that moment. So it was more dissonant, it was more like [hums] rah nah, bah nah, raah, na na any, rawr…

Rod: [plays the chords differently]

Deirdre: Yeah. Are those the same chords? That sounds so different, good! Yes, it was like [hums], yeah. Like “Help! I can’t get up, I’ve fallen!” and then like “frozen dinners, Grim Reaper… beepers” and help. “Help!”

Mom: (--) [0:16:03]..

Deirdre: “Help I can’t get up! I’ve fallen!”

Mom: (I fall)…

Deirdre: “Grim Reaper, beepers… peepers”.

Mom: [sings indistinctly]

Deirdre: Help! I can’t get up, I’ve fallen, help! Call the Reaper with your beeper.

Mom, Cody, Rod: [singing backing vocals]

Deirdre: (Creepy) he-e-elp, (and then it’s like) frozen dinners..

Mom, Cody: The clapper! Clap on, clap on!

Rod: Clap on, clap on! (--)!

Cody: Clap on…

Deirdre: Reaper, beepers…

Cody: Capitalism!

Mom, Rod, Cody: Clap on, clap on..

Mom: Clap on, the clapper!

Deirdre: Yes Mom, that was the commercial, that’s the commercial guys. Mom, what about Wim Faros’ protest song? Do you remember? You used to like thump your mop on the floor when I’d sing it?

Cody: Thump!

Deirdre: Remember, in rhythm, it was like… Help, boom boom! Frozen dinners…

Rod: Yeah!

Deirdre: Grim Reaper, beepers, beepers…

Cody: Oh, oops! Sorry!

Mom: (--) [0:17:09 overlapping speech]

Deirdre: Oh, oh no, save the coaster!

Cody: Sorry! Sorry! [whispers] Sorry.

Deirdre: Is the coaster OK?

Cody: I’m sorry.

Deirdre: It’s OK, it’s OK look it’s fine.

Rod: I got it, I got it. Hmm. I’ll grab some paper towels.

Deirdre: OK.

Mom: Oh no, (-)!

Deirdre: It’s OK Mom, it’s just a little coffee. Easy.

Mom: What a mess!

Cody: I can clean it, it was an accident.

Deirdre: The coaster’s fine, Cody, so it’s OK. Uh, right Mom? Just a litte spil, an accident.

Mom: I’m on it!

Deirdre: Hold on Mom, we’ll clean it up in a second, OK? Yeah don’t, don’t worry yourself. I OK, I think this is all too confusing though. Um Mom, look up look up here with me. Let’s pick another song to work on.

Rod: Yeah, here we go.

Mom: Windex!

Rod: I brought Pinesol.

Deirdre: Oh, we don’t need that, it’s just coffee.

Rod: I know but you know, she’s a pro. She likes to spray. Here Mrs. G, I’ll get the floor, you get the table, what do you say?

Mom: Aye aye, put a cap on it, my captain. [spraying noises]

Deirdre: Thank you everybody. OK, that’s very good. [spraying noises] OK, that’s very clean now Mom, thank you. You wanna keep wiping the table? That’s OK.

Mom: [hums]

Deirdre: OK, yeah but sit down here, get comfy while you wipe, there you go. OK Rod and Cody, let’s go back to the chalkboard. Rosemary Hills, I’d like to draw your attention to what was number 9 on the cassette tape, “Youth Grows Old”. Cody, see those lyrics in pink up there?

Cody: Yes.

Deirdre: “You-you-youth”?

Cody: Yes, here. “You”… ha, there’s a lot of You’s. “You you you you you you you-th grows old in Rosemary Hills. Green grass will grow and grow with chemicals”.

Deirdre: Good, that’s right. OK. Now Rod, look to those chords in pink there OK, could you play them for us?

Rod: [plays chord]

Deirdre: Fabulous. And I will add piano now, if you can just show me where to put my fingers.

Rod: (That’s right).

Deirdre: Is that right? OK that’s right, so.. [plays chords] And then (-) [0:19:02] again. Ok so it goes like this. [plays and sings] You-you-you-you-you-you-you-youth grows old in Rosemary Hills.

Rod: [joins in]

Cody: [joins in]

Deirdre: Oh yes, that sounds great! Yeah that’s how it went, it was like a cascade, repetitive, experimental. Moody. You-you-you-you-you-you-youth grows old in Rosemary Hills. That’s right Mom, that’s right!

Mom: You-you-you-you-you-you-youth grows old in Rosemary Hills.

Rod: Yes, see that sounds good.

Mom: You’re so aloooooone, so alone in Rosemary Hills.

Deirdre: Good Mom, but different lyrics, OK? So, now it goes like this: Green grass will grow and grow and grow and grow. [others join in] Green grass will grow and grow and grow and grow.

Mom: You-you-you-you-you-you-you-you, yeah. You’re se alooooone, [Cody joins in] so alone in Rosemary Hills.

Rod: Green grass will grow and grow and grow and grow…

Cody: Rosemary Hills..

Mom: You-you-you-you-you-you-you in Rosemary Hills. I’m so alooooone…

Rod: Green will grow and grow and grow and grow…

Mom: So alone in Rosemary Hills.

Rod: Green will grow and grow and grow and grow.

Mom: The party is over! We have to go home. Don’t cry Deirdre! All clean.

Deirdre: That was so pretty, Mom.

Rod: Beautiful, Mrs. Gardner.

Deirdre: It was sad. Cody: I like your voice.

Deirdre: That isn’t the way the song went, Mom. But is that the way you feel right now?

Mom: I feel pretty and sad.

Deirdre: You’re so pretty, Mom. I’m sorry you’re sad. I understand.

Rod: The music, it-it sometimes brings out the emotion from its earliest associations.

Cody: Was your Mom at my Mom’s party too?

Deirdre: Yeah she was there, but not as a guest. Mom was the cleaning lady at the clubhouse, she was working that night.

Cody: I don’t like cleaning.

Mom: Amen, honeybunny!

Deirdre: Mom. Tricia Elwood’s party. Wim Faros in concert. What was it like that night?

Mom: Fahrenheit…

Deirdre: Wim Faros.

Cody: Wim Faaros, ahh!

Mom: You like to go to the pie in the sky with, with Fahrenheit.

Deirdre: That’s a good way of putting actually. It was the first time I felt like that.

Mom: [sings gleefully] Loving that’s awful, it’s awful. You are awful. How awful, oh no!

Deirdre: I think she means unrequited admiration can be difficult.

Mom: Deirdre and Wim sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Deirdre and Wim sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-1.

Rod: It’s OK, Mrs. G.

Deirdre: Wait, she’s remembering the end of the party. I-I was alone in the conference room, listening to Wim Faros. And everybody else had gone outside, but Wim played on, and I was sitting in the back of the room with my cassette recorder. Kaylene Becker came in to get a sl bracelet that she left on the chair. She started yelling that, over the music. Deirdre and Wim sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Mom and Cody: Deirdre and Wim sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! [repeated several times]

Deirdre: Oh god, I was mortified! And then Wim stopped playing suddenly, like a spell was broken. Kaylene’s voice was the only one in the room. Wim Faros looked at me, and and the look on his face was, was so vulnerable like, like he had just emerged from a cocoon. He held my gaze for what seemed to be like an hour and then, and then he, he turned away. And walked to the table behind him and opened up a Crystal Pepsi. And I ran out of the room to find my Mom.

Mom: Pepsi-daisy.

Deirdre: You could hear all of that on the tape. I never erased that part. I could never erase any of it.

Mom: Kaylene Becker is a spoiled fucker duck!

Deirdre: Truer words were never spoken, listeners.

Cody: She said the F word!

Rod: She does sometimes. She’s allowed.

Cody: Cool!

Deirdre: Rod, don’t you think that [scoffs] this is sense memory? The Pinesol, the cleaning, the melody, that made her remember Kaylene Becker, and then I remembered Kaylene Becker, and she almost remembered the song. But she felt the emotion, it brought her back in some ways to that time. But if, if she was there, in that familiar place. Mom, we have to go back to the clubhouse! People of Rosemary Hills, I know how we can get all of the songs back. If we go to the location, if we do this, where it happened, we can recreate the environment of Tricia’s party! We’ll set the stage. Um, the place, the air, the smells, and then we’ll get the sounds. We’ll summon them, so that Mom and I can remember.

Rod: But the clubhouse, how can you get in, isn’t it private property?

Deirdre: Well I mean we could literally just walk in. Nobody’s paying any attention to Rosemary Hills golf course community, if you haven’t noticed. I assure you guys, nobody in a million years would notice us.

Cody: But it’s haunted.

Deirdre: Oh Cody, no! It’s just old and abandoned, and places like that can always seem scary, but it’s not scary. It’s just, well old and abandoned.

Cody: But when Ralphie ran away, I had to go over there and find him and I heard things.

Deirdre: I’m sure, I’m sure. The wind on those shattered windows is probably really loud. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s really, it’s just a big old fancy house, Cody. You’ll see.

Mom: Fancy birds!

Cody: But they’re gonna tear it down.

Deirdre: What do you mean?

Cody: They’re tearing it down, they’re gonna build a cemetery and then it’s gonna be even scarier.

Deirdre: Who’s they?

Cody: I dunno, my Mom said.

Rod: The local government, I guess?

Deirdre: They can’t tear it down, it’s a historical landmark!

Rod: Really?

Deirdre: Well, it should be.

Mom: Uh oh!

Rod: Where are you going, Mrs. G?

Mom: Uh oh, toast!

Rod: You hungry?

Mom: You are toast!

Rod: [chuckles] Wait for me, I’m coming. You know I like making toast. I’ll just, I’ll just go with her.

Deirdre: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a call to action. And I have a plan. Together, we have been getting closer and closer to fully restoring the music of Wim Faros. I mean, from the outset of our journey, we have been working so hard on remembering how to remember, haven’t we?

Cody: Yes.

Deirdre: Yes. Yes! And figuring out how to unpack the Attic…

Cody: Yes. Yes.

Deirdre: Yes. Wim Faros, through his time capsule, gave us a bridge from the past to the present.

Cody: Bridge!

Deirdre: He is telling us to walk that bridge, he is showing us how. Don’t you see? He is telling us, he is telling us to go to the clubhouse! I know that will work. I am certain that if we enter into the hallowed grounds where the concert was on June 21, 1992, into that convertible conference room where Wim Faros himself took the stage for the Elwood commencement. We will be able to complete the songs. I feel it.

Cody: I feel it too.

Deirdre: I feel it!

Cody: I feel it too, Deirdre!

Deirdre: OK! So on the next episode of “It Makes a Sound”, join us and these hills will come alive with the sound of music once more!

Cody: It’s aliiiiiive! Huh! Can I do the chime?

Deirdre: Yes you can!

Cody: [plays chime]

“It Makes a Sound” is created and written by Jacquelyn Landgraf. Co-directed by Jacquelyn Landgraf and Anya Saffir. Original music composed by Nate Weida, with lyrics by Nate Weida and Jacquelyn Landgraf. Sound designed and mixed by me, Vincent Cacchione. With Jacquelyn Landgraf as Deirdre Gardner, Annie Golden as Deirdre’s Mom, Nate Weida as Rod Reeder and Melissa Mahoney as Cody Elwood.

“It Makes a Sound” is a Night Vale presents production. For more information on this show, to buy merch and to learn about our other Night Vale podcasts, go to nightvalepresents.com. You can follow “It Makes a Sound” on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. And you can support the show by writing a review on iTunes. We’d really appreciate it.

Thank you for listening. Right now, a bottle of Crystal Pepsi is listed at 1,000 dollars on eBay, but slap bracelets are around 5 bucks. We’ll meet again in January. All of us at “It Makes a Sound” wish you a memorable end to 2017. And we hope you’ll remember to give a little toast to Wim Faros.

[papermoonloveslucy]

Together for Christmas

S1;E13 ~ December 24, 1962

Executive Producer  Desi Arnaz Directed by  Jack Donohue Written by  Bob Carroll, Jr., Madelyn Martin, Bob Weiskopf, and Bob Schiller.

Synopsis 

The Carmichaels and Bagleys are spending their first Christmas together in Danfield and Lucy and Viv do nothing but argue over their family's special traditions. In the end, however, the kids show Lucy and Viv the true meaning of Christmas.

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carmichael), Vivian Vance (Vivian Bagley), Jimmy Garrett (Jerry Carmichael), Ralph Hart (Sherman Bagley), Candy Moore (Chris Carmichael)

Dick Martin (Harry Connors) does not appear in this episode, although he is mentioned.

Guest Cast

Tom Lowell (Alan Harper, right) makes his second of three appearances as Chris's prep school boyfriend.  

We learn that Alan Harper belongs to the country club. Although he sings with the carolers, he does not speak in this episode.  

Joe Mell (Ernie, the Butcher) makes the first of his five appearances as a background player on “The Lucy Show.”  He also appeared in a 1969 episode of “Here's Lucy.”  In 1964, he appeared in the TV special “Mr. and Mrs.” (aka “The Lucille Ball Comedy Hour”), which featured many of the Desilu regulars and was directed by Jack Donohue, who directed “Together for Christmas.”  In 1971, he was a Taxi Driver on “Lucy and the Lecher,” a cross-over episode of Danny Thomas's “Make Room for Granddaddy” in which Lucille Ball played Lucy Carter, her character from “Here's Lucy.”  

Bob Stephenson (Johnny, the Parcel Post Delivery Man) makes the second of his two appearances on the series, after playing the YMCA clerk (uncredited) in “Lucy Digs Up a Date” (S1;E2).

The Mitchell Boys Choir (uncredited). Fourteen young boys from the troupe play the YMCA carolers. Unlike the real-life Mighty Mites boys football team in “Lucy is a Referee” (S1;E3), they do not get screen credit.  

Robert Mitchell was an organist at St. Brendan Church in Los Angeles in 1934 where he organized a boys' choir that he directed for 66 years. In 1936, the Mitchell Singing Boys, as they were also known, were cast in their first film, The Girl from Paris. Other films in which the choir appeared included Going My Way with Bing Crosby in 1944, The Bishop's Wife with Cary Grant in 1947, and Blondie in Society in 1941. The Mitchell's Boy Choir soon became America's most popular Boys Choir and appeared in over 100 movies.

This is the first (but not the last) episode not to have Lucy's name in the title. This episode was filmed before “Lucy and Her Electric Mattress” (S1;E12) and saved for broadcast on Christmas Eve. During the roll of the credits after the main title sequence, the theme music has jingle bells added to it. This is the second time this music was changed to fit the theme of the episode, an enhancement that was eventually dropped. The first was in “Lucy Is a Referee” (S1:E3) when it sounded like a marching band.

This is the first Christmas the Carmichael and Bagley families have celebrated at home together. We learn that Lucy usually takes her kids to visit her mother in Jamestown and Viv usually takes her kids to visit her uncle in Philadelphia. It is unclear if this is Uncle Ned, who was mentioned in the previous episode “Lucy and Her Electric Mattress” (S1;E12). Both Lucy and Viv will be taking the train to their respective hometowns.  It has already been established that fictional Danfield is located on a rail line, not unlike New Rochelle, a real-life New York town also mentioned in the previous episode.  

The main conflict of the episode comes from marrying differing holiday traditions:

When Lucy and Viv argue whether to buy a goose or a turkey for Christmas dinner, Ernie the butcher jokingly suggests stuffing the turkey with a goose!  As silly as it seemed in 1962, the practice would become popular in the 1980s with the ‘turducken’ or ‘gooducken’ - a three-bird roast consisting of a a turkey or goose stuffed with a de-boned duck and chicken.  

About Viv's propensity for mistletoe, Lucy remarks that the only way a man could get into their house un-kissed would be through the coal chute. Coal delivery, a common home heating method before the popularity of oil heat, played an integral part of the final moments of “Lucy Builds a Rumpus Room” (S1;E11).  

In addition to buying gifts for the family and Harry next door, Jerry also plans to buy for Tommy and Amy Shaffer - all with $1.10. This is the first mention of Tommy and Amy.

Talking on the phone to Tommy, Jerry says, 

“I’ll bet we’re the only people in the world two have two Christmas trees. One is green and one is - you’ll pardon the expression - white.”  

This is a momentary acknowledgment of the headlines of the year. In 1962, President Kennedy dispatched troops to force the University of Mississippi (a state institution) to admit James Meredith, a black student. At the same time, he forbade racial or religious discrimination in federally financed housing.

Chris asks her mother whether it would be appropriate to buy Alan Harper a bottle of after shave, but Lucy is suspicious when her daughter confirms that he does indeed have whiskers!  Although Alan stands next to Chris in the episode’s final moments, he doesn’t have any dialogue.  

Sherman talks about Mr. Everett at the Y.  The YMCA was prominently featured in “Lucy Digs Up a Date” (S1;E2) and mentioned in a couple of other episodes. Jerry says he sang “White Christmas” for Mr. Everett and there wasn't a dry eye in the house!  The sentimental holiday song was written by Irving Berlin in 1942. The version sung by Bing Crosby is said to be the best selling single of all time. Jerry says he doesn't know “Good King Wenceslas,” a popular carol that dates back to 1852.

When their difference prove nearly irreconcilable, Lucy and Viv decide to give up on staying home for Christmas, and revert to traveling to see their families. Lucy says she left a note for the milkman. Until the end of the 1960s or so, most suburban homes had milk delivery, which involved leaving milk bottles on the porch (sometimes in a milk box).  If a customer did not wish to have milk (or other dairy products) delivered that day - or for a period of days - it was standard procedure to ‘leave a note for the milkman’. 

In the final scene, the carolers (including Chris, Sherman, Jerry, and Alan) enter singing “Deck the Halls” and then switch to “O Come, All Ye Faithful.”  Lucy (or Lucille) brushes away a tear.

VIV: Merry Christmas, Lucy. LUCY: Merry Christmas, Viv.

Callbacks!

Desilu started doing a Christmas tag at the end of “I Love Lucy” in 1951.  In 1956 they fleshed out the tag to a full episode featuring clips. It did not enter syndication and wasn't seen again until 1989 when the wrap-around segments (but not the clips) were colorized. The fully colorized episode was seen in 1990 and has become a holiday staple for CBS, airing along with a newly colorized  “I Love Lucy” episode.  

Although this Christmas Eve “Lucy Show” would remain in black and white, the series did air another holiday episode in 1965 when the series was in color. Like this episode, the ending also featured an established singing group, the St. Charles Boys Choir, although they were credited.  Like this episode, it also mentions Charles Dickens’ perennial favorite “A Christmas Carol.” 

Like Lucille Ball and Lucy Ricardo, we learn that Lucy Carmichael is from Jamestown, New York, and has a living mother.  While Vivian Vance and Ethel Mertz were both raised in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Viv Bagley hales from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. This is likely to assure that she could convincingly travel home for Christmas within a reasonable time.  

Lucy and Viv sing “Jingle Bells” while decorating their trees. Although the song was sung in the “I Love Lucy” Christmas tag, in “Lucy Goes to Sun Valley,” a 1958 episode of “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour,” Lucy says that Ricky proposed to her at Christmastime, so their ‘song’ is "Jingle Bells,” or – as Ricky pronounces it - “Yingle Bells.”

The literal “trimming” of the branches of the Christmas trees was also done by Fred Mertz in “The 'I Love Lucy' Christmas Show.”

When Lucy and Viv angrily take turns ripping the decorations off each others trees, it is reminiscent of when Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz ripped pieces off each others dresses while singing “Friendship” in “Lucy and Ethel Buy the Same Dress” (ILL S3;E3).  

Blooper Alerts!

Who? Johnny the Parcel Post delivery man mistakenly calls Viv "Mrs. Bradley" instead of "Mrs. Bagley". Then Lucy calls him Bob, the actor's real name. This dialogue overlaps Viv calling him Johnny, so the mistake is partially obscured.

Murmurs! When Lucy goes to the pantry to get the axe, a studio audience member can be heard to say “She's gonna chop it down!”  

Artificial! When Lucy and Viv are tying the two butchered trees together, you can tell that the trees are artificial. Viv must insert the severed top portion of her white tree into the 'trunk.'  

The two trees fastened together symbolizes that the two families have become one! 

“Together for Christmas” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5

[newyorktheater]

Glenda Jackson in King Lear

Alex Brightman in Beetlejuice

The first of the April Avalanche on Broadway begins Thursday with the opening of King Lear, starring Glenda Jackson, and ends on April 25 (the Tony eligibility cut-off date) with Beetlejuice starring Alex Brightman.

April Openings

But the end of the Broadway season doesn’t spell the end of the Broadway musical — adapting for film. Here are the four with release dates:

Aladdin: May 24

The Lion King: July 19

CATS, December 20

In The Heights, June 26, 2020

Also coming up (but without release dates yet): West Side Story, Come From Away, Wicked — actually, too many to mention.

March Quiz

Week in New York Theater Reviews

AIn’t No Mo

Welcome to African-American Airlines, where if you broke & black, we got yo back” – those are the first two messages painted on the wall as we walk up the staircase in the Public Theater to “Ain’t No Mo’.”  The play by Jordan E. Cooper, making his Off-Broadway debut as both a playwright and an actor, takes its audience on a trip through the present-day African-American experience. The trip is meant to be more than just a metaphor.  Black people are leaving the United States en masse on flights to Africa. It appears to be voluntary, but maybe not really. “If you stay here, you only got two choices for guaranteed  housing, and that’s a cell or a coffin,” explains Peaches, portrayed by the playwright. Peaches, a drag queen dressed all in pink, functions as the airline’s flight attendant and ticket agent, and the playwright’s mouthpiece.

Chimpanzee

An hour-long play that presents a chimp in captivity, recalling her youth with a human family. The chimp is a puppet, manipulated by three puppeteers. “Chimpanzee” shows the power of puppetry to elicit emotion for a story that would surely be less effective told in any other way.

Dad in a Box: A comedienne trying to be funny while her father is dying

William Sheepspeare. A Theater Book for Two Year Olds Full of Sheep Puns.

Week in New York Theater News

Second Stage 2019-20 season (in all 3 of their theaters): On Broadway: Linda Vista by Tracy Letts; Grand Horizons by Bess Wohl Take Me Out by Richard Greenberg. Off-Bway: Our Dear Dead Drug Lord by Alexis Scheer. The Underlying Chris by Will Eno

John Leguizamo is taking his  Latin History for Morons to 15 cities, starting June 20th and 21st at New York’s Apollo Theater, ending up in L.A.’s . Ahmanson Theatre in September.

New announcement/tease by Signature Theater:  Future seasons will be presenting the work of Sarah Ruhl, Anna Deavere Smith, Samuel D Hunter, Lauren Yee and The Mad Ones.

Fifth annual Broadwaycon returns to to the New York Hilton Midtown January 24-26, 2020. First announced guests: Anthony Rapp, George Salazar, Judy Kuhn, Kristolyn Lloyd, Heidi Blickenstaff, Tommy Bracco, Andrew Kober, Brad Oscar, Gillian Pensavalle, Erin Quill, Jennifer Ashley Tepper, and Fredi Walker-Brown

Danielle Brooks, photograph by Jonathan Mandell

Danielle Brooks (Orange is the New Black, The Color Purple ) will star as Beatrice in “Much Ado About Nothing” at the Delacorte in Central Park this summer “I haven’t done Shakespeare in nine years, I’m ready,”

Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Tony winner as Angel in the original Rent) will star in Original Sound, Adam Seidel’s O play about a young Nuyorican beat maker who calls out a rising pop star for ripping off his track, sometime this Spring the Cherry Lane,

    A 24-Decade History of Popular Music

Taylor Mac, 2017 MacArthur Fellow,

Taylor Mac on the set of his new play “Gary”

Taylor Mac Wants Theater to Make You Uncomfortable

“Everyone expects to be safe in the theater — maybe challenged a bit with an idea or two — but I say, well, maybe you’re not going to be safe,”

  On #WorldTheatreDay let us appreciate how many BEAUTIFUL theaters there are in the world — Mexico, Italy, Syria, New York!

See also: St. Petersburg, Barcelona, Paris, Beijing –>https://t.co/4XAseUvp2r pic.twitter.com/SowENEXjcc

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) March 27, 2019

Attorney General Barr Summarizes Famous Broadway Musicals by Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) in @mcsweeneys

Sweeney Todd: “A barber reunites with his wife.”

The Sound of Music: “A family decides to leave Austria.”

Chicago: “Complete and total exoneration for Roxie and Velma.”

— New York Theater (@NewYorkTheater) March 30, 2019

Broadway Countdown: 6 plays, 4 musicals. 4 Movie Musicals. #Stageworthy News of the Week The first of the April Avalanche on Broadway begins Thursday with the opening of King Lear, starring Glenda Jackson, and ends on April 25 (the Tony eligibility cut-off date) with Beetlejuice starring Alex Brightman.

[lassroyale]

Implementing a Magician, The Real Keys - Honesty From a Dishonest Profession

Hiring a Magician, the Actual Keys - Honesty From a Dishonest Profession

Magiker Stockholm With Over fifteen years of experience as a professional magician in EnglandI will tip you the secrets of employing a high quality magician for the event, and the way to prevent the low quality magicians that could really do more harm than good to your event. Simple Magicians jargon, the three main Kinds of magicians: o O A oA Företagsevent Stockholm A great magician may be worth their weight in gold at |} Any event, it is crucial if you'd like to not only provide entertainment to your event, but to boost the atmosphere and give it that unique advantage, selecting the most appropriate magician can be somewhat more'catchy' than one might imagine. A premium quality magician with years of expertise will not come particularly cheap, so here are some top tips to make sure you get the very best value for the money. Request Google or any search engine For a magician in your local area, and it will unmercifully spew a mind overload of prospective near magicians, children's magicians, stage magicians, entertainers, mind readers, comedy magicians, illusionists, jugglers and several more - but who do you choose? How do you choose them? And, how can you know they will be the vital ingredient for your event? If you have already started your search for a magician You may see many advertise on their sites exactly the very same buzzwords such as'Unforgettable','Unique',''World Class Magician','Absolutely Amazing','Perfect to your occasion' etc , but how much of this is fact, and how much of that is fiction? Before long you will learn to distinguish the truth from the embellished truth. Firstly, pick Exactly what kind of magician you believe would be ideal for your event. To help you search with using search engines for the right magician for your event utilize the'magicians jargon' phrases along with the following to help your hunts turn into that little bit easier. If you'd like a magician that could mingle with your guests in a drinks reception kind surroundings you'll have to hunt for close up magicians in the local area; should you require a magician to get a ball or dinner exactly the identical search terms or table magicians instead of close up magicians within your regional area will provide exactly what you require, acquiring a magician work around the courses is no problem at all to the professional, however the amateur may have a tricky time with organizing their entertainment round the meal. If you are looking for a wedding enthusiast, again you really do need someone that specializes in weddings, perhaps not especially someone that does the'entire shebang' as it where - as the old saying goes don't spread yourself too thin. Magicians that claim they are able to perform everything from close up magic to fire eating, also out of illusions to children's parties, likely haven't dedicated all of the required time to the specific place you want them for. I strongly suggest not hiring a close up magician which also does children's celebrations, unfortunately there are many great children's entertainers on the market, but many believe the very same rules apply to entertaining children as amusing adults - in reality it is a completely different ballgame. Both are highly skilled arts. Many children's entertainers will find out some basic magic Tricks and attempt to piggyback close up magical work out of their children's parties. Ideally if you want a children's entertainer, find somebody that specializes solely in entertaining kids and if you want a magician for adults find somebody that exclusively performs high quality magic for adults. Perhaps you desire a cabaret magician, or stage type amusement, there are many genres here; mind reading, comedy, stand up magic, hypnotism, illusions,'Tommy Cooper kind' magicians and so on, consider what would be best for your event and guests - should you think that your audience would appreciate a comedy magician over say a mind reader, then hunt around for comedy magicians in your region, a major tip here is to make sure they have at least one video of them doing, there's nothing worse than an unfunny comedy magician! If you understand the type of people at your event are not the types that like to be in the limelight, a hypnotist is certainly not for you! Fantastic stage magicians and illusionists are typically quite great crowd pleaser's, but it's generally old fashioned style entertainment which will not suit everybody. Illusionists and conventional stage magicians are perfect if you have international guests as they possess'non patter' acts which are performed simply to music. A fantastic mind reading show can be exceedingly impressive, it can be completely baffling, entertaining your whole audience and even be quite amusing, however there's plenty of boring mind reading shows rather than all them are geared towards relatives if there are children in the crowd, again check references and movies. Once You know exactly what you want for your event, and perhaps even a style which you believe would best suit your engagement, maybe you want the old looking magician type magician or your young fresh and contemporary near magician, take a look at a various websites until you come across a couple that you believe would be excellent for your occasion. Pay attention to there style and picture - If it is a black tie occasion, you most likely don't need a magician that wears jeans and t-shirt and other casual wear to performances, even if you've got a young trendy crowd maybe you want the rather young magician that really does dress more casual. Perhaps you need close up magic and stage magic, find out if they offer both services - many will provide you a great package deal for the two. Sometimes it's better To employ someone non local for you personally that covers performing in your area, a lot of magicians have a'one fee everywhere' for performing anywhere in the country so you are not landed with a massive travel expenses on top of the acting fee. Each magician's site should have; genuine Premium quality references and testimonials, photographs - and not just studio photographs but real performance photographs, a video if possible so you may get a clearer idea of what they do, and eventually they should present to you all of the info that you need about there doing experience. It should let you know how long they have been doing, notable areas and companies they've worked for and what makes them stick out over the crowd. When you get in touch with your brief list of magicians be sure to include all the necessary info about your event; such as type of event, time, date, location, number of visitors, and if you have some notion of the budget you've allocated for a magician, or mention this as well. Agency website will pop up with various magicians and alternative entertainments, recall brokers usually charge around 15 percent commission, so you might wind up paying more via a broker. Sometimes it's better to cut out the middle person to get one performer. If your event requires multiple functions of distinct amusement branches, agencies are usually the best way to visit manage your amusement, nevertheless most magicians are going to be able to recommend colleagues that work well together in the event that you would like to hire multiple magicians. Unlike most professions where there Are always'cowboy' providers, surprisingly there are very few'cowboy magicians' out there, however, there is a massive range in quality. The simplest way to find the fantastic quality magicians in the lower quality magicians is by the fee. A complete time specialist will work hard on his trade, he's got the experience and the skill required, devoting their life to performing magic, their fee reflects this and their clients will pay the fee every time to get an unbeatable service. On the other end of the spectrum you have the amateur, the guy just starting out, or the'seasoned professional' that maybe should of retired if his tie went outside in fashion in 1963. These are usually the weekend amateurs who is going to do the task for you and will not charge you very much. Whilst every magician needs to begin somewhere, don't settle for anything less than the finest when it comes to high quality, professional magical entertainment. It takes a long time to turn into a good magician, amateur magicians could potentially ruin your occasion, but they might create an off the cuff remark towards the guests that's not well taken, their magic might not be very great or they may just be exceptionally unsuitably dressed for your occasion. Total time professional magicians need to be good in every aspect of operation and people skills, generally you can't go wrong with a complete time professional that has all of the proper credentials I outlined previously. Many Magicians offer close up magic within 1 hour or 2 hour time slots, normally two hours to get around a hundred guests would be your best bet, which provides the magician adequate time to view as many people as possible. After You've your enquiries back, done either by telephone or email, here comes the difficult part - which one will choose? Unfortunately I can't make that choice for you, generally the better magicians are going to be in the same price range, as I mentioned above - the reduced cost magicians will usually be amateurs or part time magicians which may not give you the complete magic experience that will make your event stand out a mile. Magic is a very special art form, the best magicians aren't just good at magic they are also good with people and that comes with several years of expertise. As with all rules there are of course exceptions, Your event. Magic is one of the most entertaining, interesting and fun Only is it universal in appealing all ages but may bring individuals Together, even help sell products or unbelievably raise the atmosphere Of an event. An excellent magician can be a giant cherry on the cake.

[shapesclothing]

Hiring a Magician, The Real Keys - Honesty From a Dishonest Profession

Implementing a Magician, The Real Secrets - Honesty From a Dishonest Profession

Trollkarl Göteborg With Over fifteen decades of experience as a professional magician in England, I will tip you the secrets of employing a premium quality magician for the event, and also how to avoid the low quality magicians that may actually do more damage than good to your event. Straightforward Magicians jargon, the 3 main types of magicians: o O A oA Magician that performs head reading or'Derren Brown Style Magic' is popularly called a Mind Reader, Mind-reader, Psychological Illusionist or Mentalist. Trollkarl Göteborg A Fantastic magician may be worth their weight in gold at |} Any event, it is crucial if you'd like to not just provide entertainment for your event, but to boost the atmosphere and give it that unique advantage, selecting the most appropriate magician can be somewhat more'tricky' than you might imagine. A premium excellent magician with years of experience won't come particularly cheap, so here are my top recommendations to make sure that you find the very best deal for your money. Request Google or some other search engine For a magician in the local area, and it'll unmercifully spew a mind overload of potential close up magicians, children's magicians, stage magicians, entertainers, mind readers, comedy magicians, illusionists, jugglers and many more - but who do you choose? How do you select them? And, how do you know they will be the very important ingredient for your event? If you've already began your search for a magician You may see many advertise on their websites exactly the same buzzwords like'Unforgettable','Unique',''World Class Magician','Absolutely Wonderful ','Perfect for your event' etc , but just how much of this is fact, and how much that is fiction? You will soon learn how to separate the truth from the embellished truth. Firstly, decide Precisely what kind of magician you believe would be ideal for your event. To assist you search with using search engines for the ideal magician for your event use the'magicians jargon' terms along with the following to assist your searches become that little bit simpler. If you want a magician which could mingle with your guests at a drinks reception type surroundings you'll have to hunt for close up magicians in your regional area; should you need a magician to get a ball or dinner the identical search terms or table magicians rather than close up magicians inside the local area will give what you require, having a magician work round the courses is no difficulty whatsoever to the professional, but the amateur could have a difficult time with organizing their amusement round the meal. If you're looking for a wedding enthusiast, again you really do need somebody that specializes in weddings, not especially someone that really does the'entire shebang' as it - as the old saying goes don't spread yourself too thin. I strongly suggest not selecting a close up magician that also does children's parties, sadly there are many fantastic children's entertainers on the market, but a lot of them think that the same rules apply to entertaining children as entertaining adults - in reality it's a completely different ballgame. Both are highly skilled arts. Many children's entertainers will find out some fundamental magic Tricks and try to piggyback close up magical work out of their children's parties. Ideally if you want a children's entertainer, find somebody that specializes in entertaining children and should you want a magician for adults find someone that only performs high quality magical for adults. Maybe you desire a cabaret magician, or point type entertainment, there are many genres here; thoughts reading, comedy, stand up magic, hypnotism, illusions,'Tommy Cooper kind' magicians and so on, consider what would be best for your event and guests - should you believe that your audience would appreciate a comedy magician over say a mind reader, then hunt around for humor magicians in your area, a big tip here is to be sure they have a minumum of one video of them performing, there is nothing worse than an unfunny comedy magician! If you know the sort of people at your event aren't the kinds which like to be in the limelight, a hypnotist is certainly not for you! Good stage magicians and illusionists are typically quite great crowd pleaser's, but it is generally old fashioned style entertainment which won't suit everybody. Illusionists and conventional stage magicians are ideal when you have international guests as they have'non patter' acts which are performed simply to music. A fantastic mind reading series can be exceedingly impressive, it can be completely baffling, entertaining your whole audience and also be very funny, however there is lots of dull mind reading shows and not all them are geared towards relatives if there are children in the audience, again check references and videos. After You understand just what you need for your occasion, and perhaps even a fashion that you think will best suit your involvement, perhaps you want the older looking magician type magician or your young fresh and modern close up magician, have a look at a various websites until you come across a couple that you think could be excellent for your occasion. Pay attention firstly to there style and image - Whether it's a black tie event, you most likely don't want a magician who wears jeans and t-shirt and other casual wear to performances, even if you've got a young trendy crowd maybe you desire the fairly young magician who really does dress much more casual. Perhaps you want close up magic and stage magic, find out if they offer both services - most will give you a fantastic package deal for the two. To employ somebody non local to you personally who covers doing in your area, a lot of magicians have a'one fee anyplace' for doing anywhere in the nation so you are not landed with a massive travel expenses on top of the performing fee. Every magician's website should have; real Premium quality testimonials and references, photographs - rather than only studio photographs but real performance photographs, a video if possible so you can find a better idea of what they do, and finally they ought to present to you all of the info you need about there doing experience. It should tell you how long they have been performing, notable areas and companies they've worked for and making them stick out over the crowd. When you get in touch with your brief list of magicians make certain to include all the necessary information about your event; such as type of event, date, time, location, number of visitors, and in case you've got an notion of the budget you have allocated for a magician, or mention that as well. Agency site will pop up with numerous magicians and alternative entertainments, recall brokers usually charge around 15 percent commission, so you may wind up paying more through a broker. Sometimes it's far better to cut out the middle person to get one performer. If your event requires multiple acts of distinct entertainment branches, bureaus are typically the best approach to visit supervise your entertainment, nevertheless most magicians are going to have the ability to urge colleagues that work well together in the event that you would like to employ numerous magicians. Unlike many professions where there Are always'cowboy' providers, surprisingly there are very few'cowboy magicians' on the market, however, there's a huge range in quality. The easiest way to detect the good quality magicians in the reduced quality magicians is by the fee. A complete time professional will work hard on his trade, he has the expertise and the ability required, devoting their life to doing magic, their fee reflects their clients will pay the commission every time to get an unbeatable support. On the opposite end of the spectrum you've got the amateur, the guy just starting out, or the'experienced professional' that maybe should of retired if his tie went out in fashion in 1963. These are normally the weekend amateurs who is going to do the job for you and will not bill you very much. Whilst every magician has to start somewhere, don't settle for anything less than the finest when it comes to high quality, professional magic entertainment. It takes a very long time to turn into a fantastic magician, amateur magicians could possibly ruin your event, they may create an off the cuff remark towards the guests that's not well accepted, but their magic might not be that good or they might only be exceptionally unsuitably dressed for your event. Total time professional magicians have to be good in every aspect of operation and people skills, generally you can not fail with a complete time professional that has all of the proper credentials I outlined above. Many Magicians offer close up magic in 1 hour or two hour time slots, generally two hours to get about a hundred guests is the best bet, which gives the magician sufficient time to view as many people as you can. Once You've your enquiries back, done either by telephone or email, here comes the hard part - which one will choose? Unfortunately I can not make that decision for you, generally the greater magicians will be in the same price range, as I mentioned previously - the reduced price magicians will often be amateurs or part time magicians that might not provide you the full magic experience which can make your event stand out a mile. Magic is a really unique art form, the very best magicians are not just great at magic they are also good with people and that comes with many years of expertise. As with all rules there are of course exceptions, But if you follow my guide, I'm sure you'll get the perfect match for Your occasion. Magic is among the most enjoyable, interesting and enjoyable Only is it universal in captivating all ages but can bring people Collectively, even help sell products or incredibly increase the atmosphere Of an event.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 1

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking,   2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

(note: I may have overrated some Hollywood blockbusters, like Marvel films, at a time when I was starved of the big budget spectacle coming off a time when I hadn't much time to watch movies. After nearly 30 volumes of new & old movies plus tv shows, I would not waste time or money or overhype my enjoyment of anything mainstream & popular just because all the bells & whistles woo'd me... I hope. Hey, I even avoided seeing the first new 20tens Star Wars reboot in theaters & on home video so far. That's saying  something. Maybe I restored some integrity even though I still have arguably cheesy taste.)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"The People vs. George Lucas" *Case dismissed*  3 stars

"Flash Gordon" 1980 *Holy Joe Namath*  3 stars

"One Million Ac/Dc" *Psssss, wanna see naked pictures of your sister?*  3 stars

Jan Svankmajer "Conspirators of Pleasure"  3 stars

Kolchak The NightStalker"Horror in the Heights" *Sasquatch in disguise*  3 stars

"The Exorcist 3" starring George C. Scott and Brad Dourif *Invitation to the dance*  3 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 6* Safety and cynicism*  2 1/2 stars

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 The Secret of the Ooze" *An xl double cheese with mutated fish paste delivered to Dr. Moreau of Long Island."*  2 1/2 stars

Mark Borchardt "Coven" *Stephen King's Clerks* 2 stars

"Raw Meat" featuring Donald Pleasance *A subway Sawney Bean*  3 stars

"The Curious Dr. Humpp" *Sci fi nudie horror Prequel to a boner infomercial* 2 1/2 stars

Dario Argento's "Opera" *Puts the eye in Italian*  3 stars

"Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of MyLittle Pony" *Dignifies the derided, but do they deserve it?* 2 1/2 stars

"The Garbage Pail Kids" *"Did I do that?" Urkel. It's that level of annoying.* 1 1/2 stars

"Johnny Mnemonic" Japanese cut *Robo-dolfphin FTW! Dolph Lundgren MVP.*  3 stars

"Hellraiser: Bloodline" *Event Horizon: A New Hope* 2 stars

"Thundercrack" sexploitation* Scat on a hot tin roof*  2 stars

Kevin Smith's "Red State" *Superbad in Waco circa 1993*  3 stars

"Buckeroo Banzai" *"Leftfield entertainment"*  3 stars

Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely" *"The Lord wants us to jump out of a plane without a parachute."*   3 stars

Star Wars 'Downfall of the Old Republic' fan edit *makes the prequels almost seem tolerable*  2 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool with surprise guest Eugene Levy Kenneth Branagh and Frank Darabont present "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" featuring Robert Deniro as the monster between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents"The Grudge" starring Bill Pullman and Buffy *"This movie dishes out horror by the thimble full."* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

"The ABC'S of Death"'

'A Is For Apocalypse'- Nacho Vigalondo 3 stars

'B is for Bigfoot' Adrian Garcia Bogliano 2 1/2 stars

'C is for Cycle' Ernesto Diaz Espinoza 3 stars

'D is for Dogfight' Marcel Sarmiento 2 1/2 stars

'E is for Exterminate' Angela Bettis 2 stars

'F is for Fart' Noburu Iguchi 1 1/2 stars

'G is for Gravity' Andrew Traucki 1/2 a star

'H is for Hydro electric diffusion' Thom Malling 2 1/2'

'I is for Ingrown' Jorge Michel Grau 3 stars

'J is jidai geki aka samurai movie' Yudai Yamaguchi 2 stars

'K is for Klutz' Anders Morganthaler 2 stars

'L is for Libido' Timo Tjahjanto 3 stars

'M is for Miscarriage' Ti West zero stars

'N is for Nuptials' Bajong Pisanthankun 2 1/2 stars

'O is Orgasm' Bruno Forzani and Helene Cattet 2 1/2 stars

'P is for Pressure' Simon Rumley 2 stars

'Q is for Quack' Adam Wingard 1 star

'R is for Removed' Srdjan Spasojevic 3 stars

'S is for Speed' Jake West 2 stars

'T is for Toilet' Lee Hardcastle 3 stars

'U is for Unearthed' Ben Wheatley 2 1/2 stars

'V is for Vagitus' Kaare Andrews 3 stars best so far

'W is for WTF!' Jon Schnepp 2 stars'

'X is for XXL' Xavier Gens either zero or 2 1/2 stars

'Y is for Young Buck' Jason Eisner either zero or 3 stars

'Z is for Zetsumetsu aka extinction' Yoshi Nishimura 2 1/2

Masters of Horror Joe Dante's "The Screwfly Solution "*It's not nice to screw with Mother Nature*  3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Energy Eater" *Indian Giver*  2 1/2 stars

Cannon films "White of the Eye" starring David Keith *Twangy Giallo* 3 stars

Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm 2" *Yellow No. 5*   3 stars

rifftrax presents Ed Wood's "Plan 9: From Outer Space" *"Eck, shouldn't have microwaved that twinkie!"* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace "Scotch Mist" *"Sometimes you have to be a bigot to beat a bigger bigot."* 2 1/2 stars

John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness" *Bill Nye the exorcism guy*  3 stars

Twin Peaks: "Slaves and Masters" *War of Northern Aggression*  3 stars

Don Mancini's "Curse of Chucky" *Charles Lee Ray returns to his roots. I was sort of hoping this was a direct sequel to part 3 with Bride and Seed not happening, but the reveal of the stitches and  some other story elements proved otherwise. Oh, well. Nice touch with the backstory and Brad Dourif running around looking like an even creepier Tommy Wiseau in the 80s. The cameos are either a nice homage to the series or needless fan service and not knowing when to quit.*   3 stars (minus maybe half a star for the after credits sequence)

"Waterpower" xxx  Jamie Gillis is The Enema Bandit *Freedom of the body... freedom of '76. This movie was brought to you by the mafia and Nathan's Hot Dogs*   either zero stars or three stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater with special guest horror host Zacherly "Jakarta" a Charles Kaufman film *A noir No Reservations with a hardboiled Anthony Bourdain*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Spanish Moss Murders" *Stiffling dreams brings the Swamp Thing*   3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "City of the Living Dead" *Schlitz on tap*  2 1/2 stars

"The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" featuring the special fx of Ray Harryhausen and starring Dr. Who's Tom Baker as an evil sorcerer   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Battle Beyond the Stars" *Luke SkyWalton*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Buffalo Rider" *like a rhinestone pachyderme* 2 stars with riffing 1 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Joe's Apartment" *Willard, the musical* 2 stars

Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" *Fulci's eyeball in a bag of circus peanuts lying on the floor next to Sherri Moon's Big Daddy Roth underoos*  2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 2 *A very musical edition. But yet again with the Steve Vai stalker and her queefing... ugh.*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Future Force" starring David Carradine *In an age populated by retarded rent-a-cops...* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive" starring Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Yeardley Smith and including the music of AC/DC *Clever premise silly execution. This crazy scenario is what we get for the trucker fad of the seventies*  2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 3 *Jackie Gleason with a screw loose,  japanese school girl mass suicide, Nazi Donald Duck, and much more*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Towering Alan" *the common touch*   2 1/2 stars

"Retard O Tron 2" *These moronic mix tapes are starting to wear thin on me*   2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater 25th Anniversary of "Night of the Living Dead" with special guest Tom Savini and his film "Night of the Living Dead" 1990 *You're beginning to become a badass Barb-ara*  3 stars

Masters of Horror Dario Argento's "Pelts" starring Meat Loaf and John Saxon *Slap dash and horrific*  3 stars

"Hot Dreams" 1983 xxx *has a thread of tension that elevates it*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks" *Forget grandma, protect the t.v.!*   2 1/2 stars

"Vampires Suck" *Like a creep with pointy teeth, it leers unashamedly.* zero stars

Don Coscarelli's "John Dies at the End" *sawsome awes*  3 stars

"Lost and Found Video Night: Vol. 1" 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "The Happening" *Differently dumb marky mark and doey zoey awkwardly reconnect their dead romance during pants shitting doom / cartoon revenge of the earth day* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

TV Funhouse: "Western Day"  3 stars

"Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy" *Feels more like another 90s Lorne Michaels' movie than it does everything that was great about the sketch show*   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Clive Barker's "Nightbreed" *It was a graveyard smash.*   3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Troll 2" *a double decker baloney sandwich* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

"Edward Penishands" *on the bucket list of films for fudging weirdos like me.* 2 stars

Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna present "From Beyond" *Third eye erogenous zone*  3 stars

"Birdemic: Shock and Terror" *"Heal the world." Michael Jackson* 1 1/2 stars with riffing without riffing 1/2 a star until the actual birdemic starts and then maybe 1 star

Masters of Horror John Carpenter's "Pro Life" starring Ron Perlman  3 stars

South Park double feature ----------

"Trapped in the Closet" *The Cruise, Travolta, and Scientology jabs will sting and be relevant for a long time, probably, but the R. Kelly  joke is really dated. I'd already forgotten about his whole  silly closet song from 2000 whenever.*  3 stars

"Go God Go" 3 stars

-------------------------------

"Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie"   *Interestingly absurd commentary on mall culture that would make a strange double feature with Romero's Dawn.* 2 stars

The Hitchhiker: Dark Wishes *Kindness with kill'em*  2 stars

Twin Peaks "Double Play" *Riposte* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Revenge is the Nuts" guest starring Isaac Hayes  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Highlander" *That sensation you're feeling is called The Quickening. Brought to you by Nestle's Quik*   3 stars

Kolchak The Night Stalker "Bad Medicine" *Chief Trance A Ho* 2 1/2 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Lifeforce" starring Steve Railsback, Peter Firth, and Patrick Stewart as a sexy bride of Dracula *Count Tesla* 3 stars

"The Last Shark" featuring Vic Morrow  2 1/2 stars

TV Carnage "Casual Fridays"   3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "To Kill a Mocking Alan" *"I'm such a big head." -Alan*    3 stars

Roger Corman's "The Raven" starring Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Jack Nicholson   *Tongue in cheek and coughing up blood.* 2 1/2 stars

Masters of Horror "Sounds Like"   *Watch this and for once you will sympathize with a telemarketer, believe it or not.* 3 stars

Monstervision presents: A Very Joe Bob Christmas *Rusty the mail girl and some other bimbos sing ear slaughtering Christmas carols.* "Gremlins"  3 stars

Parasite aka Mutant featuring demi moore *People who need people are the worst... worse than slimey soul sucking slugs*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Clint Howard "Ice Cream Man" 3 stars for the interview 2 for the movie

Masters of Horror "The V Word" guest starring Michael Ironside *What happened to the piss and vinegar of youth?*   3 stars

"Q, The Winged Serpent" a Larry Cohen film featuring Richard Roundtree, David Carradine, and a manic, brilliant performance by Michael Moriarty     3 stars

rifftrax presents "Prisoners of the Lost Universe" featuring John Saxon *Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor, an Imp, a Neanderthal, and a Navi....Looney Tunes meets sword and sorcery*   2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 without

"The Crazy Dave Tape 2" *maybe you were 12 or so and there was this older teen in the neighborhood who you thought was cool and he let you hang out with him some, but he was way too into horror movies, firecrackers, porno mags, shooting cats in the butt with b b guns,listening to metal records, popping wheelies on his dirtbike, and smoking pot?  that's the kind of person who'd make this vhs mix tape*   2 stars

"Found Footage Festival: Vol 2"   3 stars

Cannon Films presents "Exterminator 2" *The Dark Knight Returns and engulfs New Jack City*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Devil's Platform" *Stygian lobbyist*  3 stars

Fangoria presents "Mindwarp " starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm *The Dig Dug Have Eyes. A MMORPG, and at risk teen PSA, for the Sega CD generation.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'The Apes of Wrath' *We were young, we were physically fit, and we were challenging logic.*   3 stars

"42nd Street Forever" *'Golden Age of Porn' film trailers.*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Sore for Sighted Eyes"  3 stars

Roger Corman's NEW WORLD PICTURES "The Arena" starring Pam Grier  3 stars

Masters of Horror John Landis presents "Family" starring George Wendt *A "Master of Horror" shouldn't use sketchy cgi.*  2 1/2 stars

"The Crazy Dave Tape 1" *Italians have the best weddings, kay!?*  2 stars

"The Beast that Killed Women" *Actual nudists are more scary than a guy in a gorilla suit.*   1 1/2 stars

The Asylum presents "I Am Omega" *Asylum movies are never aesthetically pleasing, but at least this one doesn't have cheap CGI ghouls. Also,it doesn't hurt that this source material has already yielded three other good movies.*  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Howling: 7 - New Moon Rising" *An Aussie Tommy Wiseau's honky tonk lycanthrope.*   1 star

Masters of Horror Richard Matheson and Tobe Hooper present their version of Ambrose Bierce's "The Damned Thing" *Black Gold*  2 1/2 stars

"American Ninja" starring Michael Dudikoff *Rebel without a set of pajamas*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Rich Tradition of Magic" *Where's the Terrance and Phillip, buddy?*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Basic Alan" *That close to being infamous.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - "Viva Knievel!" *Bring me the head of Jerry Garcia!*   3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" *The visitors from Planet X are buttnoids.  Crank up the Slim Whitman.*             2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs and special guests SCTV's Count Floyd and USA UP All NIGhT's Rhonda Shear John Carpenter's "In the Mouth of Madness" *We've only just begun to live*    3 stars

rifftrax presents Star Wars: Episode 1 "The Phantom Menace" *Pod Racing belongs on ESPN 8* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Kolchak, The Nightstalker "Firefall" *Grisley Candleabra*  3 stars

"Satanis, The Devil's Mass" *If you're going to San Fran Cisco... be sure to visit the Church of Satan. They seem pretty down to earth aside from their pretentiousness.*  2 1/2 stars

"Alligator" 1980  starring Robert Forster *Police seek to punish society for their own illicit desires. / Freud.                      See you later, alligator. / Jung*  3 stars

X Files "One Breath" 2 1/2 stars

"Creepshow 2" *'The Raft' felt like a Junji Ito manga.*  3 stars

rifftrax presents "Breaker Breaker" starring Chuck Norris *Shanghai'd? Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Keep on truckin!* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

retard o tron mixtape vol 3 *less mtv's ridiculousness more internet retardedness* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" *Toasty! Grilled cheese.*  2 stars

rifftrax with Mike Nelson and special guest Weird Al "Jurassic Park" 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Hammer Films "The Blood Beast Terror" *Heavy handed with the Mary Shelley*  2 1/2 stars

2EVERYTHING2TERRIBLE2 Tokyo Drift  3 stars

"Beach Babes from Beyond" starring Sylvester and Frank Stallone's mom, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle, Adam West's Robin, Burt Ward, John Travolta's brother Joey, plus Linnea Quigley *Daytona Beach, California. DUH!*  2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents Patrick Swayze's "Roadhouse" a Mike Nelson solo *The pilot for John Taffer's Bar Rescue* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Buster Keaton's "The Scarecrow" *We got married in a fever* 3 stars

"Grizzly" 1976 *Why didn't they just arm everyone with grenade launchers to begin with?*        3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Roddy Piper "Immortal Combat" *Meg Foster as an evil dragon lady, Sony Chiba as the old dog cop with a samurai sword, Tiny Lister as a gorilla with a heart of gold, and Hot Rod himself as the happy go lucky hero, plus some goofy looking bodybuilders turned into mindless karate warriors by Mayan voodoo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Next of Kin" ozploitation *Can you hear the thunder? - Men At Work* 3 stars

"Retard-o-tron mixtape vol 1" *can't tell if they're celebrating all the 'xtreme' sports crap as cool or not*        zero stars and or 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents "The Room" *Tommy Wiseau tossing around the football with Crow and Tom Servo.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

monstervision with joe bob briggs Larry Cohen's "It's Alive" *This would make Nancy Grace's brain melt and pour out of her huge nostrils.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Dark Place" 'Skipper the Eyechild'  3 stars

The Simpsons - Trick or Treehouse - Heaven & Hell "Bart's Soul" plus "Lisa the Skeptic" *Classics*  3 stars

"Creature" featuring a pervy Klaus Kinski *This Alien ripoff even has its own Ripley rip off*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Watership Alan" *"Can you make pornography come on my tele, please?"*  3 stars

"Scream and Scream Again" Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter CUshing, Judy Dench *Deep fried BladeRunner*  2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 with special guest Anne Francis of "Forbidden Planet" also starring Leslie Nielson *To thine ownself be cruel*  3 stars

Georgina Spelvin "The Devil in Miss Jones" *She sauntered through the mist unshackled by her veil.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker "When Morning Comes" 3 stars

Twin Peaks "Checkmate" *Great monolouge at DEAD DOG by Michael Parks about Agent Cooper and the trippy bizarre ending saved the episode*  3 stars

Luis Bunuel's "The Young One" *Sorghum sweet*  3 stars

"Run! Bitch Run!" *Syfy presents Rube Zombie's "RapeNado: The Revenge"* 1 star

Roger Corman's "Swamp Women" *Dirty, desperate dames.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Unseen" *Creepy incest brother sister upstairs, mongoloid manbaby killer in the cellar, Guess Jeans / Vagisil model houseguest victims* 2 1/2 stars

X Files "3" *Gen X blood fetishes are Xtremely pretentious.*   2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's pick "Nurse Nancy" xxx *not worth going to jail over, but i support pee wee and his pee pee.* 2 stars

Ken Russell's film of "The Devils" 3 stars

Udo Kier in "Spermula" *nookie kryptonite* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Future Hunters" *The liquid metal terminator was in a Fillipino ripoff of MadMax / Raiders of the Lost Ark / Enter the Dragon / Rambo / Die Hard / Return of the Jedi / Treasure Island / Amazon Women / and Terminator  before he was even in James Cameron's T2.* 3 stars

"Hotel Paradise" *The loins of liberty.*  3 stars

John Holmes as Johnny Wadd in "Blonde Fire" 2 1/2 stars

Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" *History is made by the scoundrels.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool   with a special guest hollywood workout instructor and the feature film "Conan the Barbarian" *Fitness fads for yuppies from the Ally McBeal & Friends era adds nothing to the experience of trying to watch a sword and sorcery adventure movie. TNT stinks.*  3 stars for the movie  zero for the TNT stuff

"Meatballs 3: Rudy's Big Challenge" special appearance by a younger Shannon Tweed *every time a bell rings a nerd pops his cherry. ding a ling*   2 1/2 stars

Roger Corman presents "Suburbia" a film by Penelope spheeris *"Have you hugged your kid, today?" Flea*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs "The Road Warrior" *Wheeling in a wasteland wonderland*  3 stars

Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island" special FX by Ray Haryhausen 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "The Fly" *Brilliant bug out*  3 stars

Russell Simmons presents Abel Ferrara's "The Addiction" *Hip half-dead histrionics* 1/2 a star

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Children of the Corn 2 "The Final Sacrifice" *Corn nut children's cult, contaminated corn crop conspiracy, cantakerous old crows, corny cgi.*  2 stars

Mario Bava's "Planet of Vampires" *Feels like a similar universe to Prometheus and Alien.* 3 stars

"The Monkey Hu$tle" *Pot meat and greens* 2 1/2 stars

Amber Lynn in "Amber Aroused" *That weird period of time after Return of the Jedi when R2 palled around with Ron Jeremy.*  3 stars

"Maniac" 1934 *billy goat curse* 3 stars

John Carpenter presents "Bodybags" *The Gas Station 2 1/2 stars Hair 2 1/2 stars Eye 3 stars*

"Five Bloody Graves" *fatalist western* 2 1/2 stars

USA UP ALL NIGHT with Rhonda shear plus 90s commercials "Shocker" *Charles Lee Ray The Lawnmower Man on Elm Street walks The Green Mile* 1 1/2 stars

"Nightmare Beach" starring John Saxon and Michael Parks *Scorcher* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'Hell Hath Fury' *A punch and judy* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Alan Attraction" *You're sacked*  3 stars

MST3K presents "Quest of the Delta Knights" *Davinci Archimede gobbledy*   2 STARS with spoofing 1 1/2 without

John Waters' "Polyester" *Odorous*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies" *A big creepy house is not a home without a few demonic munchkins running about.*  2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks "The Black Widow" 2 1/2 stars

"The Devonsville Terror" featuring Donald Pleasance *Pilgrims' Unrest*  3 stars

Shannon Tweed in "Nightfire" *Horses, hot-tubs, and handguns.* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Circus" *Jaundiced critique of bonafide mystique.* 3 stars

John Carpenter's "Vampires" featuring James Woods as your Peter Cushing Van Helsing type, a pudgy Danny Baldwin as his hung over looking assistant, and Laura Palmer as a Lucy Westerena  3 stars

"Shakes, The Clown" *There's a tear in my beer. It's called Pathos.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Embrace of the Vampire" *Coffee house Bram Stoker. Bit more sweet than bitter* starring Alyssa Milano and the guy from Spandau Ballet 2 stars

Troma's "Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy" *"The bored slowdance of those who've done everything"* 1 1/2 stars

The Hitchhiker "Best Shot" *Jackass yuppies*  3 stars

"The Blob" 80s remake *Gives Carpenter's "The Thing" a run for its money.* 3 stars

Dr. Who *fourth doctor* "The Sontaran Experiment" *Humpty Dumpty's Empire had a great fall.*  3 stars

"Hell High" 1989 *When green sliming someone goes horribly wrong.*  3 stars

rifftrax "reefer madness" *smoke pot just once and you'll wind up on trial for MURDER!* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Fred Olen Ray's "Dinosaur Island" *topless cave chicks, hot springs hot tubs, & T-Rex terror* 3 stars

"Flash Fire" starring Tom Skerritt *Slow burner about watching your dream go up in smoke.*   3 stars

"Nude for Satan" *Hotel Californication* 1 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Friday the 13th: Part 6 "Jason Lives" *A strawberry jelly donut with the filling sucked out by vampire censors.*   2 1/2 stars

Commander UsA's Groovie Movies "Blade Master" starring Miles O'Keeffe aka Tarzan as Ator *Stone Age Man say NO NUKES!*  1 1/2 stars

Troma's "War" *LOST meets Rambo meets SouthPark*   3 stars

"Kongo" 1932 *Fiendin' for bad juju*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Tobe Hooper's "Funhouse" *Why buy the (2-headed) cow (a wedding ring)  when you can get the milk (and nookie) fer free?*  3 stars

Mermaid Man, Ernest Borgnine and The Crow, Brandon Lee team up for "Laser Mission" *Easy going espionage*  2 stars

Marilyn Chambers in "Behind The Green Door" 1 star up until the trippy money shot sequence and 3 stars for everything including it and after

Tales from the Crypt "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today." *Witchy Wife Swap*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Gene Roddenberry's "Genesis 2" *Idiocracy of the Demolition Man in Futurama*   2 1/2 stars

X Files "Ascension" guest starring Steve Railsback   3 stars

Udo Kier in "Mark of the Devil" *Stupid Superstition*  3 stars

Rifftrax "Wickerman" remake *Un-Cage'd WOMYN of Silent Hill... erm Isle.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Stuart Gordon's "Fortress" starring Christopher Lambert & Kurtwood Smith *Andy Duframe is preggers with an Apple I-baby.*   3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Getting into Heaven" 2 1/2 stars

"Equinox" 1970 *Classic monster movie FX hootenanny  and middle finger to SYFY.*   3 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert stack *Fat, invalid husband's embezzling wife vanishes with kids, suspect son's mom murdered in car at carson city casino, custody dispute and walmart disappearance, crazy canadian's strange death in states,  shot on a desolate road by mysterious man in a black pickup truck, kroq confess your crime joke segment goes horribly wrong  with a grim call in that turns out to be a big hoax, reconstructing the image of a long dead jane doe murder victim*   2 stars

"Deranged" *Folksy necromancy*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "A Room with an Alan" *The original Stephen Colbert character.*  3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Bikini Airways" *The Skanky Skies* 2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Once Upon a Beginning *"The most significant televidual event since Quantum Leap."* 3 stars

Director's Cut of Highlander 2 "The Quickening" *A unicorn with a flying v guitar around its neck  and its ass hanging out the back of a Hummer stretch limo  teetering over the edge of a volcano and shitting half digested Ben Franklin(S).*  1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Bad Biology" *Imagine Georgia O'Keefe scissoring Slim Shady, Wu Tang's ODB, Biz Markie, and Eazy E.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Psychotronic Man" *Floyd 'The Barber' gets all Criss Angel 'Mindfreak.'*   1/2 a star

Joe Bob's Summer School *Advanced Primate Studies* "Escape from the Planet of the Apes" *Joe Bob's theory on the proliferation of dumb people, by studying them at walmart, being an evolutionary necessity might have influenced Mike Judge a little in making his movie "Idiocracy."* 2 1/2 stars... needs more apes

"Gator Bait" *Red on the head, fire in the (w)hole.*  3 stars

"TUrkey Shoot" starring Steve Railsback *So-ciety, yer spiteful, indeed.*  3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Forbidden World" *Dingwhopper*  3 stars

Dario Argento presents "The Church" *Go now you've been set free. Like a real reptile.*  2 1/2 stars

"Night Eyes" starring Tanya Roberts and Andrew Stevens *bohunk bodyguard, voyeur, and lover.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" *Smug George Clooney versus sardonic Mike Nelson.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"Madhouse" starring Vincent Price *Queer regret.*  3 stars

Disney's "Secrets of Pirates Inn" 2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "To Live and Die in L.A." *Angels with dirty faces.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Hell Night" *Hazing. Heavy petting. Horror hijinx. Haunted Mansion. Hills Have Eyes type heavies.*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night "Nair WitcH" segments *Less bad 3's Company sitcom humor attempts by TNT. More hillbilly horror afficiando featuring just Joe Bob.* and the feature movie presentation "Child's Play 2" *I remember Siskel being really bothered by these movies, because the victim of all the horror was a child.*   3 stars

"Street Trash" *The rot gut and rough hewn.*  3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "Beetles" 2 1/2 stars

H. Gordon Lewis' "Scum of the Earth" *Sleazoids use blackmail to get unfortunate women to pose nekkid.* 2 1/2 stars

Mario Bava's "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" 2 1/2 stars

"Blood Beach" *Jaws wannabe with a tv movie amount of action and fx.*   2 1/2 stars

"Red Hill" *Aussie High Plains Drifter*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Fog" *John Carpenter's Sunken Starship 'We Built This City on Lepers' Gold'*   3 stars

"Caligula" *Grotesque gods of gore and genital glorification."  3 stars

Brian Depalma's "Dressed to Kill" *Hitchcock in high heels.*  3 stars

MST3K "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Thor, and Tia Carrere 3 stars with spoofing 2 without

Abel Ferrara's "China Girl" *ramen with marinara"  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs  "The Kiss" *kill your kin and live again*   3 stars

Brian Yuzna's "Bride of Re-Animator" *Arkham affordable care extends into the afterlife.*   3 stars

X Files "Duane Barry" guest starring Steve Railsback 3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney "The Ghost of Cypress Swamp" starring Vic Morrow   3 stars

"Infested" aka "Ticks" *Clint Howard, Carlton, seth Green, and one of the Bosom Buddies. Great casting. Great creature fx.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Abominable Snowman" starring Forest Tucker and Peter Cushing *Ra's al Ghul not believe in yeti and no should you. capiche?* 2 stars

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" *Wayne's World with two bigger boobs.*  3 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis presents "Something Weird" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *Be square and unaware. There's no truth out there.*   1 star

Twin Peaks "Masked Ball" *David Duchovny as Denise the DEA agent.*  3 stars

"The Rapture" starring Mimi Rogers *Filling the void or avoiding the fill.*   3 stars

"cut throats nine" *Manly spaghetti westerns were often dubbed with the same silly irreverence as sissy boy animes would end up with.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Ultimate Warrior" starring Yul Brynner and Max Von Sydow *Stone Cold Mr. Clean against the tomato raiders.*  3 stars

Umberto Lenzi's "Eaten Alive" *Jonestown massacre and weenie roast.* either 3 stars or zero stars for tasteless cruelty.

"Nipples and Palm Trees" *It's Always Horny in California... and depressing"   2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "The Brides of Dracula"  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night Hollywood Halloween in search of the "Nair Witch" segments *TNT tried to ruin Monstervision by taking Joe Bob out of the trailer park.* and the feature movie Brian Depalma's "Carrie" *John Travolta at his manprettiest saying "Git'r done"as he slaughters a pig.*   3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Came the Dawn" *Brooke Shields is bland and boring in everything she does.*   2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Rabid" starring Marilyn Chambers *I drink your maple syrup. I eat your Canadian bacon.*  3 stars

Stuart Gordon's "The Inquisitor" starring Lance Henriksen *Mercy Me. I can only imagine."  3 stars

Doctor Who (the fourth doctor) "The Ark in Space" starring Tom Baker *Animal crackers in my celestial soup.*   3 stars

"Talk Dirty To Me One More Time" featuring Harry Reems   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs Wes Craven's "Swamp Thing" starring Adrienne Barbeau* "Run through the jungle." Creedence Clearwater Revival.*   3 stars

The Hitchiker "Secret Ingredient"  3 stars

Cannon films presents "River of Death" *Michael Dudikoff's Frank Miller style narration.*   3 stars

William Lustig's "Maniac Cop" *Introduce a little anarchy.*   3 stars

Ken Russell's "The Lair of the White Worm" *I kept expecting Dylan Moran, Simon Pegg, and The Cure to show up.*   2 1/2 stars

Todd Solondz "Happiness" *This Robert Altman shit depresses me.* either zero stars or three

Joe Bob's SummerSchool presents "Conan: The Destroyer" *Hannah Montana wants Arnold and his pecs to teach her sex, but Shaquille O'Neal has agreed to satisfy evil queen Nancy Grace's lust for virginal sacrifice. Also a big Amazon lady, an Oriental magician, the trusty imp, and this ancient horned dragon god.*   3 stars

Are you afraid of the dark? "Tale of Vampire Town" *Corey Feldman's cousin's parents try to be understanding about their son's need to cosplay and roleplay as Wesley Snipes' character Blade.*   2 1/2 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2" *The only shelter on cursed islands is some rickety shack. Spanish explorers never fully decompose. Sharks don't like it, when a zombie is the one doing the biting.*  3 stars

Mario Bava's "Black Sunday" *Cedric the Entertainer, bo bo slayer? Tyler Perry's Black Sunday. TBS very unfunny.*     3 stars

"Humongous" *Quaint little slasher.*   3 stars

Roger Corman's "Creature from the Haunted Sea" *Clever and kooky.*   3 stars

Commander USA Groovy Movies presents (edited for tv yet still disturbing) David Cronenberg's "The Brood" featuring Oliver Reed *No more psycho trauma hatched monkeys jumping on the bed*   3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside Harlan Ellison's "Djinn, No Chaser" guest genie Kareem Abdul Jabar   1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Frankenhooker" *Hetero Dahmer with a hooker's heart of gold.*  3 stars

"Bad Boy Bubby" *more disturbing than dogtooth and just as morbidly humorous. crocodile dundee in the 4th dimension* either zero stars or 3 stars

MST3K presents "Devil Fish"   *more boring than the already boring reality show Deadliest Catch.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

"Loose Screws: Screwballs 2" *Not as good as the original, but still a lot of fun.*   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "The Dunwich Horror" starring Dean Stockwell *The old ones and the young ones.*   3 stars

"The Song Remains the Same" *The concert is mesmerizing. The art film moments are interesting. The backstage footage / incidents are boring. The personal life stuff is curious and a little dull. Where are the groupies being fed to sharks and black magic rituals?*   2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with host Joe Bob Briggs and special guest Linnea Quigley "Return of the Living Dead" *These are the zombies that crave brains, not every zombie does that like some so called horror fans mistakenly think.*  3 stars

X Files "Sleepless" guest starring Tony Todd *Get out of my dreams. Get into my car, Agent Scully.*     3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "My Secret Life" *Like Downton Abbey with Game of Thrones amount of uncut penis.*  2 stars

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" *Crumbling castle, medieval torture, musical numbers, and cleavage comedy.* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Gangbuster's sketchy suicide, aspiring chef's breakdowns and disappearance, topless bar waitress's jealous boyfriend and disappearance, unexplained death of astate trooper possibly by killer hippies, a strange soldier's secretive business and permanent awol,  a nice church lady  helps her prison penpal boyfriend escape and disappear,  middle aged mama's boys chizophrenic wrongly convicted and later proved innocent*   3 stars

Abel Ferrara's "Ms. 45 - Angel of Vengeance" *You say it best, when you say nothing at all.*   3 stars

Mario Bava's "Hercules in the Haunted World" with Christopher Lee as a Cthullu worshipping necromancer                       *Long expired eye candy.*  3 stars

"Humanoids from the Deep" featuring Vic Morrow *The horniest catch.*  3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Frozen Ghost" starring Melissa Joan Hart *I'm cold.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker *Hit and RUn* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Family Reunion" starring Patricia Tallman and Stephen MacHattie 3 stars

"Death Spa" *Awe, fuck this computer shit*  3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Bernie" starring Jack Black *Little pink caskets for you and me.*   3 stars

Joe Bob's SummerSchool "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "written by Phil Hartman, scored by Danny Elfman, and Directed by Tim Burton *Tex Avery would like this movie.*   3 stars

James Gunn and Llody Kaufman present "Tromeo and Juliet" 2 1/2 stars

Tom Hanks presents Tales from the Crypt "None but the Lonely Heart" starring Treat Williams   3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Screwball Academy" *A director gets to heaven. He's told he'll be making a movie. Michaelangelo will be designing the sets  and Beethoven composing the score.  He asks who his leading lady will be. The angel Gabriel says,  "That's just thething. God has this girlfriend..."*  2 stars

Russ Meyer presents "The Immoral Mr. Teas" *Narrated by Trey Parker of South Park. You'd almost swear it.* 3 stars

"Nightmare in Badham County" *The Rifleman captures women for Mr. Brady's torture plantation. "When you die, they're going to have to beat your mouth to death with a stick."* 3 stars

Jess Franco's "Faceless" *He used to do surgery on girls in the 80s.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks 'Dispute Between Brothers' *A green butt skunk... ACES.*  3 stars

Jeff Lieberman's "Just Before Dawn" *So picturesque, you'll be seeing double.* 3 stars

Tennessee Williams' "Baby Doll" featuring Eli Wallach *She sho grow'd up*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Beyond Thunderdome" *Elderly Beyonce exiles Bret Hitman Hart to Never Never Land.* 2 1/2 stars

"Black Roses" *Poetry loving cool teacher tries to save his students from a satanic Winger concert.*  2 stars

Ken Russell and The Who present "Tommy - A Rock Opera" *Reach out and touch faith.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Damnation Alley" *The A Team travels across the Cursed Earth.*   2 1/2 stars

"The Sword and the Sorcerer" starring Richard Lynch *Atari Game of Thrones*  3 stars

"The Sentinel" Chris Sarandon is "legion" *Who lynches the Watchmen?*   3 stars

Dial 'N' for Nikki *Crank Yankers* 1 star

Abel Ferrara's "Driller Killer" *Depraved Demo tape. hipsters worse than homeless bums*   2 1/2 stars

"The Nest" *Eccentric seaside town. Blood thirsty pest.* 3 stars

H.P. Lovecraft's "The Unnameable" *Arkham Animal House by the Cemetery* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt "The Third Pig" *Bobcat Goldthwait shrills some ryhming skills* 1 1/2 stars

Alex Cox's "Straight to Hell" *featuring some ugly actors and musicians.  A young Courtney Love included. Dirty Old Town*  2 1/2 stars

"Blood Diner" featuring Sheba Jackson *In the tradition of Blood Feast* 3 stars

MST3K presents Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" *''One time, I bit into a cold tator tot''*   3 stars with spoofing... maybe a 3 without maybe less

Dr. Who "Robot" starring 4th doctor Tom Baker *Prince Albert (Einstein) in a can.*  3 stars

"Trancers" *The time 1985. The place Los Angeles. My partner's Helen Hunt. I'm Jack Deth.*  3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "Tale of the Lunar Locusts" *Green Eyed Monster* 2 stars

Elvira presents "Killers from Space" *Hal Jordan (or was it Bruce Banner?) gets all bug eyed about  space invaders and not even the smooth satisfaction of smoking can swerve him.*   1 1/2 stars

X Files "Blood" *I"m afraid of America. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid I can't help it.*   3 stars

"Willard" starring Bruce Davison and Ernest Borgnine *"He's an extrovert. He just shows it inside."*     3 stars

The Hitchhiker "The Miracle of Alice Ames" guest starring Joe Pantoliano *Love the sinner, for her priest is her pimp.*   3 stars

"Helter Skelter" Jeremy Davies *Taking seriously hippies taking scripture literally*   2 stars

"Race with the Devil" starring Warren Oates and Peter Fonda *I'm getting too old for this shit... Warren Oates said it before Danny Glover*   3 stars

MST3k "The Final Sacrifice" *Raiders of the Lost Moose Lodge* 2 stars, eh... with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Tales from the Darkside "Ursa Minor"  2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye "Animals" *Grinning like a possum.* 3 stars

H.G. Wells' "Island of Lost Souls" *Are we not men? Or at least beasts in khakis?*  3 stars

Roger Corman and James Cameron present "Galaxy of Terror"   3 stars

Fred Dekker's "Night of the Creeps" starring Tom Atkins *Thrilled Me*  3 stars

"The Northville Cememtery Massacre" *'Rebels with a cause' angst. you'll hate your local community. I sure as hell hate mine.*  3 stars

"Five on the Blackhand Side" *Woe is them who can not swim, Jim... A few laughs but mostly preachy and dull.* 1/2 star

"the amazing mr. no legs" *He was a terrible person/torso.* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Bedroom Eyes 2" featuring Wings Hauser and Linda Blair *convuluted covorting* 2 1/2 stars

Terry Zwigoff's "Crumb" *Awkward Vibrations. Voluptous fixations.* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Eve and the Handy Man"  2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "Killer Joe" *He told me I needed teachin on muh Kung Fu...question: Would you let matthew McConaughey fuck your sister if it meant he'd kill your mother?* 3 stars

brian yuzna's "society" *i wanna share this with all the sanctimonious stepford wives who were always trying to show me how SAW had something to say*  3 stars

''innocent taboo'' starring porche lynn and peter north *john oates' blood, sugar, sex, black magick. a tragedy in so many acts.* 2 stars

''curse of the queerwolf''  *mr. smallbutt never did anything like this before* 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt presents fred dekker's "lower berth" 3 stars

usa up all night with rhonda shear 'cemetery high' *softcore nudity. hardcore stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

linda blair and linnea quigley in "savage streets" *'beat it' / 'love is a battlefield' era troubled youth* 3 stars

alex cox's "repo man" *love & rockets* 3 stars

alex cox's "walker" starring ed harris 3 stars

"ironmaster" 1983 *guns don't kill people (yet) as the Ice Age is just thawing.*  3 stars

mst3 kroger corman's "the undead" *smug man's folly* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

the hitchhiker 'the legendary billy b.' starring kirstie alley, andy summers of the police, and brad dourif 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "beastmaster 2: through the portal of time" *"once, two fresh princes of tattooine stood before you" - so sayeth the spin doctors*  1 1/2 stars

''long john silver'' 1954 *sometimes them that quotes the bible have less bible in their hearts than those that don't*  2 1/2 stars

commander usa's groovie movies ''the alligator people'' featuring lon chaney jr 2 1/2 stars

"Miami COnnection" *Right there with Troll 2 and The Room*   3 stars

USA Up All Night "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" 2 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Waitress" 3 stars

USA Up All Night "Virgin High" 2 1/2 stars

"American Babylon" xxx 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Slammer Girls" 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Beach Balls" 2 1/2 stars

"Killer Workout" 3 stars

sam peckinpah's "cross of iron" *"the bitch that bore him is back in heat"* 3 stars

Joe D'Amato's "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead" *What does it say when a film with this much wang and poontang is more eerie and unsettling than most current horror attempts?*  3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Wild Malibu Weekend" *In the 90s, before internet porn videos, there was a time when hot babes in bikinis on late night cable was all a horny teenage guy needed.* 2 stars

USA Up All Night "Sweet Sugar" 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "My Boyfriend's Back" *ahead of its time horror romantic comedy* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Montenegro" 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "It! The Terror from Beyond Space" 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies "Vampire's Coffin" 1 1/2 stars

MST3k "Escape 2000" not steve railsback movie 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"Fast Food" *Jim Varney aka 'Ernest goest to' a lot of trouble to keep what should be a raunchy sex comedy pg 13.* 2 stars

Troma's "Class of Nukem High" 3 stars

"Howling 3: The Marsupials" *Takes a strange trip into Alex Haley's Roots territory.* 2 stars

Troma's "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" *They should show this in sex education class. It would stop kids from fornicating and eating fast food.* 3 stars

MST3k "Squirm" *Hicksploiting and skin-crawling.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

MST3k "Angels Revenge" *Cheap Charlie's Angels clone with exploitation movie violent action and an after school special theme of drugs are bad for the youth.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"The Night Visitor" starring Max von Sydow *meticulously nail biting* 3 stars

MST3k "Time of the Apes" "Oriental Planet of the Apes wannabe with annoying child dubbing and shoestring budget fx and entertainment value.* 1 1/2 stars with spoofing 1/2 star without

"Devil Hunter" *Bug eyed cannibal god craves tender white flesh.* 2 1/2 stars

"Voodo Black Exorcist" *Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' set on 'The Love Boat'* 2 stars

"Rocktober Blood" *Ugly piggy faced metal lead singer who can hold a note til it pierces flesh and can hold his victims hostage, on stage, and force them to perform with the power of Satanic Rock.* 2 1/2 stars

"Scary Movie" 1991 starring Saul Star from Deadwood *If the title is read correctly as being in quotes, then the movie is pretty much summed up. The horror isn't the horror of the killer on the loose / haunted house setting, it's the  mind's breaking point producing such terrible results leading to horrific consequences.* 3 stars

"Vice Squad" featuring Wings Hauser *Out on the streets for a living.. black diamond...*  3 stars

"The Outing" *A mallrat 80s teen thinks she's alone now  for a night in the museum with her main squeeze, and her best pals, but her jealous and dangerous ex plus his buddy  along with an evil genie in a bottle tries to rub her the wrong way.*   2 1/2 stars

Ken Russell's "Gothic" *hysterical liberation in the romantic sense.* 3 stars

MSt3k "Werewolf" featuring the Tommy Wisseau trio of actors 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MST3k "Kitten with a Whip" *Moral politicians and sinful youth. Laughable.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

"The Burning Hell" *Religious scare film. Unintentional exploitation classic. 2 1/2 stars

Troma "Redneck Zombies" *The one guy who had to take a swig of whiskey no matter the horror or urgency of the situation... it got me everytime.* 2 1/2 stars

"W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings" *The great almost unheard of Smoky and the Bandit prequel* 3 stars

MST3k "Hobgoblins" *It's like some producer saw Gremlins and stole a  costume shop's puppets and filmed this over a weekend at a few bland Los Angeles / nothin' happenin' locations.* 2 with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MSt3k "Soultaker" starring Charlie Sheen's uncle *Southern Belle too dainty and flippish for afterlife.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Sorrority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl o Rama" featuring Linnea Quigley *Linnea is the likeable bad girl, as usual, and the evil genie puppet has a hilarious voice.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rollerblade The Movie" *Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' if it were reimagined by the folks at Everything Is Terrible'* 1 1/2 stars

"Tourist Trap" starring Chuck Connors "Surreal Slasher"   3 stars

"Neon Maniacs" *The Village People are sent to hell for their sinful ways and return as Cenobites to stalk spunky and square teens in the land of the Rice a Roni treat.*  2 1/2 stars

"A Coming of Angels" xxx *Charlie's Angels stupid supblot, but it has an S & M sex slave dungeon and a nicely snowy, isolated setting.* 2 1/2 stars

"Pretty Peaches part 2" xxx *Studs with a troubled past who get hired to look after a stable of horses owned by a wealthy, foreign cripple always get to stroke the suffering from lack of a sex life wife.* 2 1/2 stars

"Neon Nights" xxx *Follow the yellow brick road or ride it in a van with swingers.* 3 stars

MST3k "It lives by Night" *It sucks by day or night.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float" *There is an existential dread that comes with that coming of age trial of learning to swim.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "Maiko" *A bitter beachbum loses his grip on humanity / empathy for land lubbers.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dance of the Damned" *If Stefanie Meyer penned an uninentionally funny skinemax flick in 1993* 2 stars

"The Blood on Satan's Claws" *Blaming the devil for a bad seed from an old harvest.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond" *Lousianna Fricasseed Corpses* 3 stars

"Randy the Electric Lady" *Ballsdeep Bride of Frankenstein.* 2 1/2 stars

"Stiff Competition" xxx *Dick sucking "comes" with its own reward. No blue ribbon needed, but maybe a blue bib.* 3 stars

"new wave hookers" xxx *Bitches in heat over Flock of Seagulls.* 2 stars

"Surrender in Paradise" xxx *Women are needy castaways.* 2 1/2 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies 'The Devil's Gift' 3 stars

"Kingdom of Spiders" starring William Shatner *When Shatner is accepted as the cowboy archetype, hell will spit up its plague upon us.* 3 stars

Oliver Stone's "Seizure" *I feel sorry for Stone if his nightmares include Tattoo from Fantasy Island.* 3 stars

"Mortuary" *Creepy, corpse abusin' Bill Paxton.*   3 stars

MST3k "Deathstalker" *Robin Hood types are always self absorbed asses.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing. 2 without

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *This is what should have happened to the lady who brought Edward Scissorhands home.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3k "The Beginning of the End" *Crickets on post-cards photograhed to be earth shattering, mind blowing horror. Now, it would be million dollar CGI, and it would still be terrible.* 2 stars with spoofing. 1 1/2 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Badge" *Badge as in evil humanoid badger of some lore.* 2 1/2 stars

WitchFinder General starring Vincent Price *Makes you wonder who was filling Joe McCarthy's pockets with gold coins.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Spontaneous Combustion" starring Brad Dourif *A far less hokey Truman Show for the atomic era.* 3 stars

"Please Don't Eat My Mother" *Kinky Shop of Horrors"   3 stars

"Wheeler aka Psycho from Texas" *A feast of snakes.* 3 stars

MST3k "the Creeping Terror" *I wish GWAR would get sent back in time to the 50s,  folks would be getting eaten by giant worm costume monsters -left and right.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies 2" *Pint-sized demonic ghouls just wanna have murderous fun at the carnival. What's so wrong with that?* 2 1/2 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Suburban Roulette" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *The sex taboos of the 60s seem so routine today.* 2 stars

"Rock n Roll Nightmare" *Horrible hair metal croons. A plot twist M. Night would love.  And some demonic finger puppets.*  2 stars

"There's Nothing Out There" *Self aware horror movie done right. Usually, I hate when the 4th wall is broken, but when the hero swung from the boom mic, and no mention was made of why or he didn't look into the camera smugly to reference it afterward, I almost stood up and cheered for the clever absurdity.*   3 stars

Tell Them Johnny Wadd is here starring John Holmes 3 stars

"I Drink Your Blood." *Rabies pot pies. Yum.*   3 stars

"Midnight Ride" starring Mark Hammil and Michael Dudikoff *A live action Killing Joke with a Dark Knight in hot pursuit.* 3 stars

"Up the Creek" 1984   3 stars

The Twilight Zone "Dead Run" starring Steve Railsback *Truly frightening because it turns the afterlife into a cold system full of the red tape and soullessness of an earthly existence.*  3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney 'Mr. Boogedy' *I'm sure this pre-dates Beetlejuice, but it's similar, though blandly so and has that generic, hazy 80s suburbia Saturday afternoon tv feel about it.* 2 stars

"razorback" *the outback is hog heaven for any horrific scenario.*   3 stars

mst3k 'parts: the clonus horror' *Yuppie Bob Hope and Bob Dole types wanna make sure they can play 18 holes of golf for eternity at their country club of choice with a fresh new body every 80 years.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Dr. Giggles"  3 stars

"Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" 3 stars

"Flesh Eating Mothers" *It's a Jersey thing. STDs included.*   2 stars

MST3k "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

You Can't Do That On Television "Nature" 3 stars

mtv's Buzzkill "Sasquatch" 2 stars

black adder 'back and forth' 3 stars

are you afraid of the dark 'the tale of the dangerous soup' 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt 'people who live in brass hearses' starring bill paxton and brad dourif 3 stars

tales from the dark side 'a serpent's tooth' 2 stars

the hitchhiker 'part of me' 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies 'the children' 2 1/2 stars

UsA Saturday Nightmares 'Living Dolls' 3 stars

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' Jeff Goldblum and Meg Foster *I can picture Goldblum being lynched if he had lurched around awkwardly in Colonial times, and Meg would have been burned at the stake for those fiery eyes.* 3 stars

Linda Blair and the Unknown Comic in "Night Patrol" *The Unknown Comic is an acquired taste, but the movie is more decent than Police Academy.* 2 1/2 stars

"Hard Rock ZOmbies" *Like Return of the Living Dead starring REO Speedwagon with a sprig of Springtime for Hitler and To Catch A Predator* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "The Devil's Rain" *The heavy metal "sign of the Devil" works just as well on Shatner as the Vulcan death grip.* 2 1/2 stars

Rob Zombie's "The Lords of salem" starring Bruce Davidson, Meg Foster, and Sherri Moon Zombie's ass *Dario Argento with a mullet, a foul mouth,  and a dragon tattooed above his pubic hair.* 2 1/2 stars minus one whole star

mst3k "the legend of boggy creek 2" *Autumn in Arkansas equals SEC football with big, sweaty, hairy men or weekends in the woods with big, sweaty, hairy monsters and hillbillies.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"the masque of red death" starring vincent price 3 stars

"midnight offerings" *feels like a haunted after school special* 3 stars

Elvira presents "Charlie Boy" 2 1/2 stars

"Carman's Witch Invitation" *Dr. Strange tries to seduce the spoken word evangelical white rapper who was born without any "soul"* 1 star

"Let Me Die A Woman" *Informative exploitation.*   1 star

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Curious Camera"   2 1/2 stars

"Bloodfreak" *You ain't nothin' but a hounddog, you jive turkey.* 2 1/2 stars

Salute your Shorts "Zeke The Plumber"   3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Whispering Walls" 3 stars

John Waters' "Desperate Living" *Tight assed towns or dirty communes?* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Eaten Alive" *Don't cross graveyard shift weirdos. Is that so hard for people to comprehend?... Guard against the crocodiles out on America's lost highways.* 3 stars

Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" *Superhero mass destruction sponsored by Sears.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "Thor" *So glad that He-Man left ethereal Eternia, so that we could watch him fumble around Smallville staring awestruck at plain Jane Portman.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "The Avengers" *I wish Hulk would smash Robert Downey Jr. like he did Loki.* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs don coscarelli's "The Beastmaster" *Dungeon crawlin' and creature callin'* 3 stars

"erotic city" starring amber lynn *Glam and bam* 2 1/2 stars

"Calvaire" aka "The Ordeal" *Tell me have you seen her?* 3 stars

"Night of the Bloody Apes" *Needed some more lucha libre* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Paranoid brutha's harem, Redneck shipwreck, vegetable stand she devil* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Beneath the valley of the ultra vixens." *Horny comedy*  3 stars

"Deep Star Six" *The best of claustrophobic disaster movies and b monster movies taken seriously.* 3 stars

"Samurai Reincarnation" starring Sonny Chiba *For fans of Japanse ghosts/demons and grindhouse sword slashing socky.* 3 stars

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 1 and 2 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren is "The Punisher" *Pulses like an 80s vigilante action movie should because it's an 80s vigilante movie and not a modern comic book movie.* 3 stars

"The Wolverine" Hugh Jackman *Felt closer to the Frank Miller source material  than it did the typical Marvel stuff like the terrible Wolverine Origins.* 3 stars

"The Terror Within" starring Andrew Stevens *B sci fi ALIEN (Ridley Scott) monster rip off with an isolated, apocalyptic THE THING (Carpenter) setting that really works.*   3 stars

Jackass presents: "Bad Grandpa" *More endearing than Bruno or Borat, but not as biting, yet still tasteless fun.* 3 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs 2020 texas gladiators *Italian post apocalyptic burnt toast (Texas sized.)* 2 1/2 stars

Zack Snyder's "The Watchmen" director's cut   *Director's cut but where is the S & M memory stuff?* 3 stars

Christopher Reeve is "Superman" a Richard Donner film *Two flaws: Gene Hackman seems like a vaudeville villain and the turning back time happy ending. not saying it should have been 'man of steel' bleak, but maybe the earthquake and Lois dying shouldn't have happened at all.* 2 1/2 stars

American Samurai *Highly enjoyable bloodsport ripoff  with mortal kombat style fatalities* 3 stars

usa up all night with gilbert gotfried "vampires on bikini beach" *garlic breath and icy nipples* 1 1/2 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (complete series) *more awkward animation and dialogue than an old filmation cartoon, and this was made in the mid 90s.* 1 1/2 stars

Bruno Mattei's "Zombie Creeping Flesh" *schlock and gore that comments on pandemics effects on 3rd world people* 3 stars