#took another adderall today which is probably helping. took two yesterday which probably caused this problem

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

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[relatablyinsane-blog]

For the ones with senseless rage

This is going to be a tough one for more than a few reasons. One: being so irrationally angry that your head hurts, your jaw clenches and crimson laces the edges of your vision doesn’t make sense. I have no explanation for my feelings. Two: there’s a lot of backstory to the psychological damage displayed in this post about the last day and a half. And three, which is probably the worst part about it, is that this post has the potential to hurt the feelings of people i really DO appreciate and value. However, i said i would tell my stories no matter how hurtful they are, no matter how awful they make me look and no matter how hard they are to explain because there are other people out in the world who feel like this that need to know they’re not alone and there are people who don’t understand who NEED to for the sake of someone they may care about. So to anyone reading this that may be hurt by what I’m about to say, I’m truly sorry, and i want you to know that my psychosis and awful mindset is NOT your fault, it is my own.

So today was an angry day. For everyone who is normal an angry day might mean you slept through your alarm, stubbed your toe on the doorframe, forgot your lunch, got to work late and got slapped with a ticket foe forgetting your seatbelt on your way home. That’s a shitty day and makes for a shitty mood. Maybe you just didn’t get enough sleep and you’re a bit crabby. Maybe there’s no real reason other than it’s Monday and you’re more grouchy than usual. That is NOT what an angry day is for someone with Bipolar.

An angry day is when you wake up early feeling well rested, grab yourself a breakfast bar and a delicious cappuchino, perform well at work, do your makeup perfectly, and you still want to flay the daylights out of everyone around you. It’s when, completely and utterly without provocation, you feel like being as mean as possible to anyone and everyone you can simply because it feels good. It is when your jaw clenches so hard that a tension headache like a vice grips your temples and causes your vision to swim. It is when you don’t care about anything at all, when you feel oxygen pressing in on you like a steel barred cage, when the slightest provocation sears like acid in the pit of your chest.

There was no reason i felt this way yesterday. A few people asked why I was so pissed, and I can always tell that they don’t understand. Their reaction is utter confusion and slight discomfort when I tell them that there’s no reason I’m wound like a bomb in a spring, lashing out like a cat o nine tails in a tornado on everyone within reach. It is the only time i can deal with panic, when I’m trapped inside myself, pacing like an animal in a cage of molten fury. Instead of frightening me the anxiety makes me pace faster. On days like this, the only emotion I am capable of feeling is anger.

Of course it was a Friday, the one day I don’t see my home for at least twelve hours because I have to drive an hour away to pick up my step daughter and come back. There’s no gas in my tank but that certainly adds some to the fire. On top of that, we have to swing by my boyfriend Jace’s grandparents’ house so they can give Ariel, my stepdaughter, birthday presents that are three weeks overdue. Joy.

I owe an explanation. I hate going out and socializing. I used to be a social butterfly but eventually it just stopped. I don’t know whether it was due to my sudden revelation that people have a great tendency to pretend they like me or because of my abusive ex boyfriend that loathed me leaving the house, or maybe it’s just because I’m so tired of superfluous social interation that I’d rather be in my own company. On a day like today especially, I did not want to make a side trip.

Now let me say this: Jace’s grandparents are wonderful people. Gram, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry if what I’m about to say hurts you in any way, and I want you to know that none of this is because i don’t enjoy you, your husband or your great hospitality. As I mentioned in some of my other posts, my extended family resented me as much as you could resent the horribly behaved adopted child of her already black sheep mother. They are high class, porsche and mercedes driving, six figure making New Jersey socialites. Everyone finishes and excels in college. Everyone gets a phenominal job. Everyone drinks sherry and gossips about the fact that Cousin Jane’s Versaci handbag is a clear fake. My mother, who ended up as a postal worker and my father, who never finished middle school because he dropped out to work on a farm for his parents, were so far from the family standard and it was clear. Add me to the mix and the only way we could be more unwelcome would be if we slathered our naked bodies with feces and showed up uninvited. The only time I saw them was on very special occasions. Nobody wanted the poor mannered, misbehaved adopted child at any family functions. I was NEVER welcome to spend the night unattended at anyone’s house. Because of this, extended family makes me uncomfortable. Hence why going to Jace’s grandparents’ house gives me anxiety like no other. The only time my extended family finally accepted me was when they put me on Vyvanse (which is exactly like Adderall) in high school, i went from being chubby to having a perfect figure, i was excelling at piano and violin and i could bite my tongue with the best of them. With Vyvanse the emotions went away. I was perfectly behaved, I was cunning, I could gossip, I fit in. I was finally the model of the Lombardi name. I was welcome at every party. I was complimented on how much I’d matured and trimmed up. I even got invited to go to my aunt and uncle’s timeshare in florida with them for an entire week. I was accepted. But it was all a lie, it was the medication, not me, but I lived for it. I was a perfect robot child.

I know how to deal with a family built on possessions and image, I know how to blend using thinly veiled insults and transparent smiles. I do not, however, know how to deal with a normal extended family.

That being said, I dread visits. Not because I dislike Jace’s grandparents. I like them very much and they have been nothing but kind to me. But because I’m crazy and abnormal.

But even on this day of fire and brimstone I can deal with a quick 20 minute “here are your presents bye” kind of deal. Until I realise that more people are here. Jace’s cousin and her year old child, to be exact. And not just any toddler (which, as we all know, I loathe babies and small children as it is) but a fussy one who’s just gotten shots and won’t stop whining and crying. Let me say again that I have nothing against Jace's cousin or her family. Again, she has been nothing but nice to me. I don’t know why I can’t stand babies (attention? me being told i would make a horrible mother so i avoid catching baby fever? the fact that i essentially helped raise my ex boyfriend’s roommates newborn for a year and never saw her again? Who knows), I just can’t. So when you combine an extended family visit, loud baby, and now a giant hour long birthday cake, presents and pictures fiasco to my pounding head and springtrap rage, I was losing my cool. I stood in the corner trying to look as normal as possible, gritting my teeth and shooting venemous glares at my boyfriend the entire time. I was a horrible guest. I refused cake. I refused candy. I forced out Happy Birthday and I could not wait to leave. I resented Jace far more than he deserved for my own brain, which turned what could have been a great day and pleasant gathering into a swelling nightmare in my ribcage. By the time we got home I’d lashed out at him more than enough, I don’t blame him for being fed up. When he called me out on my shit, I clammed up. When he explained himself I gave a lackluster apology.

I went for a walk to clear my head as soon as we returned with not a single word avout where i was going. It’s not Newark New Jersey but the area where I live isn’t the safest place in the world for a young woman to walk the strets at night, even if she is filled with a rage that would cause her to mercilessly beat anyone who antagonized her. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t help. I returned home and spurned all of Jace’s attempts at comfort. I glared at him when he said not to worry about cleaning, snapped at him when he told me to lay down and relax, and physically rejected his affection. So i went and laid in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, drumming my fingers until we went to bed with our backs to each other after he had finally had enough. I sat up for a little while longer, expecting him to just get over the way I’d treated him and try to console me now, on my terms. I was furious when he did not.

I slept it off. I’m the kind of person who likes to leave things in the day prior, but Jace hates going to bed angry and was still upset when we woke up. I don’t blame him. I don’t know why he stays with me in general. I am not a good person. Regardless I got up and made breakfast for us all, hoping to start the day off on a good food and not let my awfulness affect Ariel. Eventually, when the thought of Jace going to the park with the downstairs neighbor girl creeped poisonously into my brain, I spoke up. Is it stupid of me to feel uncomfortable for him and another parents taking their kids to the park when he knows good and god damn well I don’t want to go? Yep. Sure is. I realize this wholeheartedly. But at this point Jace had taken enough and we argued for awhile. His points were valid. I do not just get to wake up in the morning and act like yesterday never happened because it’s worn off for me. I did not apologize. I did not make amends with him. He deserves to be upset.

Eventually, when our conversation was getting nowhere, I used the safe word and we took a breather. For anyone that finds themselves in seemingly endless arguments i HIGHLY suggest a safe word. That way when you reach an impasse and are just resorting to the blame game you can walk away, get some space to calm down and return again.

Jace came back awhile later. We calmly discussed everything and he told me why my adversity to him being alone with another female bothered him, but said he understood why my past relationships put me in that mindset. I compromised that I would stop voicing my discomfort if it was irrational for the sake of his feelings, and he reassured me for the millionth time that he had never been unfaithful before and wasn’t going to start now. It will never permanently persuade someone who has been cheated on frequently in the past, but it is something I’m working on.

So yeah. I don’t have much of a moral for this story. This is the kind of shit that goes on in some people’s heads. If that’s you, you’re not alone and a bad day doesn’t make you a bad person as long as you try to grow from it. I’m tired now. Those days leave you emotionally drained. I feel like I’ve cried for hours. But my relationship is okay and I’m going to play the sims for awhile. Until next time i suppose.

[ryder0k]

Tallulah D e a n ; 

“Tallulah Dean for homecoming queen!” Dixie shouted, bumping playfully into Tallulah as the girls ran down the hallway, “Lula Dean for homecoming queen! Don’t forget!” 

Homecoming week was normally dreadful. Tallulah was one of the only juniors to participate in Spirit Week, and while she found it riveting to dress in all neon colors or like a character from her favorite book - everyone else looked at her how they always did - a seemingly dorky outcast. Today, Thursday, it was different though. Everything was just working better. Today’s theme was - Dress As Someone You’re Not - it was weird, yes, but it gave Lula the option to dress as a rock ‘n roll girl which she totally loved. She had on a black leather jacket, some cool black leggings, and her hair was curled. Her boots had little jewels on them, and her shirt had a skull on it and she was simply rocking it. Rocking it so much that Levi Storm, resident senior hottie and guitarist of a punk rock band in Mauve came up to Tallulah and complimented her on her outfit.

Lula was an outcast, sure, but she wasn’t boy incompetent. She had plenty of friends who were boys, and though she was convinced the entire popular boy section of her school thought she was a freak, maybe Levi was different. Levi had that I-don’t-give-a-crap sort of attitude, and he wasn’t even participating in spirit week. Boys like Levi Storm didn’t even blink at spirit week, and they surely didn’t go to football games. 

“I found this jacket out thrifting actually,” Lula smiled, studying Levi as he leaned up against her locker, “And the boots too.” 

“They’re awesome,” His voice was silky like honey, “Hey, do you wanna come to one of my shows sometime?” 

“Oh,” Tallulah’s eyes literally did that thing in cartoons where little hearts pop out and they start beating insanely fast, “Of course.” 

He said something along the lines of “awesome” again, and then in a swift but familiar movement, Levi Storm threw his arm around Tallulah and they started walking down the hallway. It was magical. It was enchanting. And when he also started chanting “Tallulah Dean for homecoming queen!” Lula nearly cried tears of joy. But then she heard a voice. 

“Lu--Lula? Tallulah? Tallulah Dean!” In an instant, Tallulah popped awake and lifted her head from her desk, drool on her lips, starring wide-eyed at her classmates and Psychology teacher, “Tallulah Dean, could you tell us what page we’re on since you’re reading your book soooo closely?” 

Kaya S o t o ; 

It all started with Kase this morning. Up bright and early, even on a Saturday, Kaya’s youngest sibling pooped his pants. He was newly toilet trained, and she understood when you had to go, you had to go, but, still - really? She was groggy, and his poop was potent, and the next thing she knew the twins were burning the scrambled eggs on the stove. Dugan had clogged the toilet, Juno was barely passing math class and - where in the Hell were her parents again? Kaya somehow managed to take her life boat and battle through the storm of the morning and always, and before she knew it, she had four minutes to get to her job at the diner. 

On a good day, it took ten. On a great day, Kaya could get there in eight. Still, she’d be late and it was her third infraction this month. Sue was her general manager. She didn’t have a last name as far as Kaya knew, and everyone just called her “the evil one.” So, today with the smell of poo still all up in her nose, Kaya had to rely on her manager whom everyone literally called evil to not fire her. Luckily, the bus was quick and Mr. Brown was in his usual seat to tell Kaya her one knock knock joke a day. Then, the road to cross wasn’t busy so she scurried as fast as she possibly could into the front doors of the diner and - wham! 

Kaya landed face first in a plate of their strawberry cheesecake waffles that one of the servers was bringing to the table. She wanted to cry, but she had already cried that week and Kaya was on a strict one time a week crying rule or else she’d be a blubbering mess every single day. So, she wiped whipped cream from her cheeks, apologized, and told the customers they’d remake them extra good just ‘cause she was a klutz. Though, as Kaya went to finally punch in and start her day, “the evil one” asked to see her in her office.

“I’m so sorry, Sue,” Kaya instantly shot out, “I’ve had a morning. Whew, have I had a morning! First my little brother poo--”

“Kaya, this is your third time being late this month.”

“I know! But, if you just let me explain I’m--” 

“No,” Sue was surely living up to her nickname, and she didn’t bat an eyelash as she announced, “Miss Soto, I’m sorry, but, you’re fired.” 

Lily S a l v e r n o n ; 

 “It was an eighty-two, Lily. Rounded up with your other test scores that’s still an eighty-five. An eighty-five in advanced calculus. Advanced! That’s good. That’s goo--” Lily took a large gulp of her vodka and pineapple juice, listening as the end of the year party blared from Tucker’s house next door, “Just go. Go have some fun. You deserve it.” 

God, she didn’t deserve it. The anxiety thing was back. Lily didn’t know why she called it an “anxiety thing” ‘cause with her psychologist, he told her to not even call it anything. Anxiety would always be in the car, but never let it drive. Lily learned that, but she didn’t learn the part about how to not let it have the entire wheel, directions and snacks yet. So, it did. Her anxiety thing had the wheel and it was driving her mad tonight, though, a couple of pre-gaming drinks surely didn’t help her out either. It was the last day of school tomorrow for fucks sake! Her grades were already solidified and Tucker was next door. Tucker was next door and he was probably sleeping with another girl right the--no. 

“No,” Lily stood up, “No, no. It’s okay. It’s okay.” She finished her drink, pulled her nonexistent boobs out of her shirt a little bit, and headed down the stairs. Her mom was already asleep on the couch, and she squeezed her hand ever-so-slightly, “I’ll be back by two, mama. I’m just right next door with Tuck.” 

Tucker and about thirty of her classmates, but hey, what her groggy mom didn’t know wouldn’t kill her, right? 

Carolina M o r e n o ; 

Working a side job at the MODE offices was everything to Carolina. Refreshing, and full of actual adults and not high school foes, the exclusive Rhode Island fashion magazine was the place she felt at home. Though a badass bitch by day, Carolina was a writer by night. She excelled in everything and anything that had to do with English, and while no one at school really cared about her grades - they were actually good. She got the internship last summer and had secretly been working there ever since. Granted, it wasn’t so secret when she got to use their studios for amazing, over-the-top Instagram photoshoots, but still, her writing alias - Carol Penn - was something that only she and the staff knew about. 

“My love, would you stand in for a photoshoot today? Mayor Henley won’t be in for another hour, and we want to make sure the lighting is right,” The Editor in Chief of MODE was Mrs. Winters and though she looked like the musical theater teacher from High School Musical, she only wore top designer brands and pranced around Mauve with her tiny dog, Poncho. 

“Oh,” Carolina looked up from her desk with her beautiful smile, “Of course. Any excuse to let Andre take a few pictures of me, right?” 

Mrs. Winters nodded with a Mrs. Winters smile and Carolina went on her way to the photo studio. It was custom built in the MODE offices, and though it wasn’t something you’d find in Hollywood, it was still nice. Detouring quickly to the bathroom, Carolina escaped into a stall, checking her phone but not texting back her mom and then popping two Adderall into her mouth and letting them dissolve. Tonight would be long, and with an advice column excerpt to write, photoshoots to stand in for, and a history paper to do before tomorrow, the brunette figured a little extra concentration in the form of her favorite pill wouldn’t hurt her this time. But then again, that’s what she said yesterday too. 

[goddess-complex]

8/29: first day back, long ass personal journal entry

my first day back at school has been amazing. i procrasstinated packing (of course:P) so i was up all night stuffing suitcases and at some point, i put on a channel called METV cause it was playing an episode of alfred hitchcocks show and ended up losing the remote and spent several hours in a sleep deprived, early AM twilight zone of packing while weird old sitcoms kept playing?? like the facts of life, and this weird show about a teacher and the donna reed show and one show about a train?? a family who runs a hotel near a train? then at like 5 am i love lucy came on, by that point, i was practically delirious. but i went shopping with my mom and got shoes and wine and hair stuff and then came home, my brother made eggs and my sister made sausage and we just ate breakfast and i said bye to everyone and left with my dad. i was feeling a liiiittle sentimental and eating my leftover frozen cookie dough custard in the car but then i knocked out while we were in NYC and woke up in CT. getting to hartford and getting back to campus was actually so nice. 

unloading the first bags, i saw the CUTEST, TINIEST LITTLE CORGI PUPPY!!!! SHE WAS SO SMALL!! the guy walking her was a fuking angel or smthn idk and i was so happy to just pet her!! two of my roommates (the two im closest friends with sarah and matt) were home when i got there and we said hi and my dad helped me unpack. then my dad took me to walgreens to pick up some stuff (i realized i forgot my toothbrush and showercap while we were ten minutes away from home) and he gave me some money and left. its always a little sad, initially, being left without all of ur family?? like you know? even if they bug you, like, you spend so much time with them thats its a little disconcerting to suddenly be 2.5 hours away in another state without any of them. and im very attached to familiarity (taurus rising, cap moon!!!) so being at home where i spent 16 years of my life is very natural and comforting to me, idk. im trying to get over it a little, bc its limiting to me, i wish i felt as comfortable in new places as i do at home, anywayyy

i really love the apartment. we only have two folding chairs for living room furniture lol but we’re going shopping soon. the kitchen is full of food and appliances already cause everyone else moved in before me. theres two full bathrooms, the upstairs on has a tub! we have SO MUCH fucking closet space its amazing. im rooming with sarah and the room has 3 decent sized windows, plus one full floor to ceiling one near my bed! its cozy and it lets in a lot of light. we’re close to the campus market and subway and not at all far from the academic buildings, its like, perfect. i half-assed unpacked a little, my other roommates, ryan and chris came back and everything was just really chill.

 so then, sarah and matt were talking about smoking and our friend liam came through because he happened to see sarah through the window. so the 4 of us grinded up liams weed and made tea and just chilled listening music. theres this big ass bag of mini chocolates that i have eaten like 7 giant handfuls of. i hit up my bud guy, and went over to get a dub (a hugeee dub) and got lost trying to find his apt lol. i stopped to say hi to my drama club friends and find out THEY ALL LIVE 2 APARTMENTS DOWN FROM ME!! its literally 3 apartments in a row thats all my friends!!! i live so close to my favorite people on campus its so cool. 

but i got back and matt had gone to bed cause they have an early class. so me sarah and liam smoked in our room. then liam left, and sarah went to bed but my OTHER friend kaia came through! she dropped out to go to a community college but she lives near the school so shes on campus a lot. and ryan and chris were up, so i poured everyone huuuge glasses of the wine i brought and ryan gave me some mac and cheese and we just hung out. i was really obviously high but like it was ok?? theres so much freedom in the village (the dorms where i live) i love it, its amazing. so kaia brought her dog lilli and it was so fun. we ended up going outside to smoke a cig and drink boujie wine spritzers i made with like, 7up and white wine (which were surprisingly good?) and ran into some of my drama friends, (different) chris and katey. so 4 of us just sat outside and chatted then MORE people came by, a DIFFERENT liam who kaia’s good friends with and his gf jackie who i know from a club we have together. and this kid andrew from rugby. so liam invited us over to his to smoke (again!!) and we went and he had flavored papers and we just chilled with his roommates and smoked in his room. so im SLUMPED at this point, remember i only slept for like 2 hrs in the car, so i go back to mine with kaia and we hang out for a bit. she has work at 6am (shes like, the captain of a row team or smthn?? but she gets paid? idek) so its like 12 or 1 and shes gonna sleep for a bit over in our living room until she has to leave. so i went to bed. it was SUCH  good first day, i just KNOW its gonna set the tone for the year!

so today is the first official day of classes and i still have to finish/ (start) registering..... i dont have a schedule yet....i figure ill do it today and start tomorrow, which is only one day late, so its not that bad right?? lol. i mean i KNOW its bad, but the consequences aren’t dire, i just have to find classes that are still open, which i registered late last time and it wasnt so hard to find open classes. thats my dirty secret of the moment lol, i have NO CLASS. so today i woke up early a little weed hungover (foggy brained ugh) and its such cool, gray weather. its almost 10 am.

i had a cup of coffee and my adderall and when im done writing this, im gonna shower and wash my hair. then i have to go around to different spots on campus to ask if they’re hiring. hopefully ill get a couple job applications. then/or before that, i have to go to housing and get my apartment keys (they were closed yesterday) then i figure ill probably come back home, hit up some of my friends i havent seen yet, and do some more unpacking/ laundry. 

around 4, im gonna take my stuff and go to starbucks for lunch and register for classes. then ill probably do some quick food shopping at the campus store. i have 1000 dining dollars for the semester so thats about $250 food budget per month, which is cool. i also have 100 dining hall swipes, but im probably gonna save those for eating with people. i feel like all the bad things about last year are gone. like, living in an apartment is so much better than a dorm. i just like living with people i actually like, know and can talk to. vs my roommate last year who got really fucking weird like 3 weeks in and we dead just stopped talking at all to each other whateverrr though, its a new year! 

after shopping im probably gonna come back, finish unpacking/ decorating/laundry and find out dates and times for club meetings and auditions cause i missed the club fair.  kaia’s coming over later bc i left my ipad in her bag, so we’ll probably do something or at least smoke. i have a really fat dub lmaoo. kaia knows so many people she just always has something going on. its gonna be a good day and a good year im optimistic, but realistic!! im gonna MAKE it a good year