#triggered matts relapse????

[achillesankle]

guys im sorry I cant stand andrew 😔

[vampkillr]

Scars — Matt Murdock

Tw: Self harm, description of relapse

gn! reader — 1.1k words — hurt/comfort — this fic was written true to my personal experience with self harm. i am not romanticizing this topic. do not read this if you are trying to have some deranged fantasy of it. the descriptions in this fic may be triggering to some readers. please do not continue reading if this topic will impact your mental health. your health and safety are of utmost importance to me.

My scars were different than his. They told the tale of a different battle. A different addiction. I wasn't a hero like him. He couldn't see the war I was fighting. In a way I was grateful for it. The safety his lack of vision provided. I didn't have to hide myself. There weren't words to describe why I did it. A pain so deep in my bones I had to dig for it. To let it bleed out and let the pressure build once more, only to start the process all over again. With Matt I had to be careful. I had to make sure he couldn't hear it. Smell it. Taste it. This, of course was just a matter of making sure he wasn't there. Everything else was secondary so long as my arm was covered.

It became a ritual. Every night after work to come home and fight the urge. To wait and wait— maybe make a few days clean only to ultimately cave in to that voice in my head. To fill the emptiness on my skin. Once again I found myself staring at my wrist. Blade in hand. Guilt beginning to whisper my name, but the voice louder. How they looked too shallow. How they were all starting to heal. Picking apart the empty spaces and shaming me for not having filled them. It was almost artistic, the lines I placed on myself. Picking and choosing exactly where it was I wanted my blood to spill— and as I started to bleed, I remembered why I loved it so much. I felt warmth. Comfort. My skin cried in a way I couldn't. It dripped. Beaded. It gave me an ache that reminded me I had a heartbeat.

A knock at the bathroom door and the frantic shaking of the doorknob brought me to reality. To regret and disappointment. Ripped away from the peace I had created for myself. “Open the door!” Matthew's voice cut through the wood that separated us. Shit. I took my time getting up, pressing my already bloody cloth onto my arm and going to let Matt in. The second the door was unlocked he barreled through, grabbing me and holding me as tight as he could. “I thought—” His cheek against my head, lips brushing against my ear. “I thought you were trying to kill yourself I couldn't—” I could feel the panic in his chest. In the way he couldn't finish his sentence. “All I could smell was your blood.”

I felt gutted. I scared my only sanctuary. I ruined the safety I found in his normalcy. He knew now the very thing I was trying to hide. “Matthew,” I spoke low, gently trying to coax him off of me. “I'm alright.” I dreaded the possible conversation this would spark. I didn't want him to try to make himself my saint. There was nothing he could tell me that I haven't already heard. He backed away only to hold my arm out for him to analyze. He shut the toilet lid and sat me down, washing his hands and taking the time to pick a thick enough rag. For a minute we stayed silent as he put pressure against my arm, the air of disappointment choking us both. I could see how upset he was. I was upset too. "I'm sorry.” I whispered.

“I didn't know how to talk to you about it....” My eyes trailed his form, the way he towered over me like this. “I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it.” He sighed. “I just want you to be okay.”

“I am.” I tried to reassure him. To reassure myself. We both knew I was lying. I had an issue. A problem that has rooted itself so deep in my brain that I didn't see an end to it. It clouded my vision. My judgement. He let go of my arm, placing both bloody rags in my sink and going on a journey to find my bandages. “I'll get them.” He moved away and I reached for everything I needed, rinsing my arm off and drying it first. Three big band-aids later and I was good as new. I walked over to the couch while Matt made his way to the bar— the light from that god-awful sign outside being the only thing illuminating my path. A purple hue seeping through the vaguely clouded panes, painting the entire room and everything in it. I sat down and he placed a glass of water on the coffee table before sitting across from me. Silence consumed us. Nothing could fix what just happened. There was no space for the conversation to change. A stagnation that neither of us knew how to address. “So you knew?” My voice low.

“The whole time.” His confirmation made me want to sink into myself. Going this long without talking about it, it was no wonder he thought I was trying to die. There was no reason to believe otherwise. “I didn't want to upset you.... I thought you'd come to me when you were ready.” Every time he'd touch me. Every time he'd graze my wrists. Pretending to believe my lies about how they were all old scars. With each question of ‘they're still old?’ he gave me the chance to come forward. With each ‘yes’ I let him know I didn't want to.

“I don't know why I do it.” My arm ached. It hurt worse than before because of how tight Matt was gripping the rag to my arm. “I'm hurting..... I just can't explain how.” I sighed and he got up, coming around to sit next to me on the couch. “A suffering I have to show myself just to know it's real. Maybe I do it just to see myself heal in a way that my brain can't. I don't know.” His hand went to my back. The pressure soothing. “I just can't help myself sometimes. I can't stop.” I leaned over, head in my hands. I just wanted today to be over with.

“Let's go to bed.” Matt gently pulled me off the couch and led me to our room. I didn't have the fight in me to try and stay up any longer. He stripped himself of his black outfit and got under the covers. I followed shortly after, relaxing into his arms as he held me. “I love you.” I didn't have to say anything for him to know that I loved him too. He could feel it. The heat on my skin. My heartbeat. The warmth he covered me in was enough to lull me to sleep. I drifted off surrounded by him.

u definitely do not have to reblog this !! please don't unnecessarily trigger anyone. i wrote this pretty much to comfort myself so i definitely understand if it doesn't get many notes.

[shion-yu]

Day 6: Dizziness/Vertigo

Cliff and Elliot again, being angsty and mushy in love newlyweds. 1,769, CW mentioned vomit/clean up. It has a slightly abrupt end but I was like, I either end it here or write 5 more pages of dialogue, lol. @sicktember

Shortly after Cliff and Elliot finally had their wedding, Cliff began having terrible migraines. They had been a problem for a long time, but they increased dramatically in frequency that fall. They worried, of course, that Cliff was having a relapse of sarcoidosis or it was permanent damage from the coma, but his brain scans kept coming back negative. It could just be stress, the doctors said. Try to take it as easy as possible.

Cliff felt as if he'd been taking it easy forever, though. When he married Elliot, he’d wanted to contribute to their life together, and that meant working. Elliot made plenty for the both of them to live comfortably on, but that wasn't the point. The point was Cliff wanted to be useful in their partnership, and he hated feeling like he couldn’t be. He tried working part time as a receptionist at a hotel for a while, but they soon let him go after realizing how many sick days he needed to call out. Cliff didn't blame them, but it stung. It felt like another failure, like dropping out of law school.

Pushing himself was an equally terrible option though. The migraines not only left him feeling sick, but they sometimes triggered seizures too. The seizures were horrible, and Cliff was frankly terrified of them. They gave him a feeing of impending doom, and then he’d lose all control of his body. Afterwards he’d panic, disoriented and unable to form words as he desperately grasped at whomever was around him. His lungs would hurt from the way his body had forced all of his air out of them and the tiredness and pain in his entire being was overwhelming. 

He hated living like this. But what other choice did he have?

At least he had Elliot, but at the same time Cliff loathed to be entirely dependent on his husband. Elliot was preparing to go on tour in January, and Cliff didn't want to hold him back. He deserved to go out and be brilliant as he was meant to be. Elliot had already suggested Cliff live with Shu, or Elliot’s parents, while he was gone. Cliff brushed him off and told him he'd be fine, even though he silently worried he wouldn't be. What if he had a seizure and he couldn't get help, he worried? What if he was too sick to get himself out of bed? There were so many what ifs to obsess over when Cliff permitted himself to. 

Things changed so quickly there was no real way to prepare for them. That was the scary part. Like today, Cliff woke up with a horrible migraine. As usual he immediately feared it might trigger a seizure, but Elliot was doing a promo with Vogue today and there was no way Cliff could call and interrupt. He had the phone number of several back up people: the home health nurse was technically the best option, but Cliff always felt like a bother when he called. Ryo, Alex, Shu, Matt, Elliot’s parents, and even his own father were all people he could trust to get help too, but he wanted to bother them even less than the nurse.

So instead, Cliff simply hoped it would go away. He crushed up his migraine medication and pushed it through his tube, then hooked himself up to a continuous feed of water for the hydration. Rest was all he could do then and he lay in total darkness in bed, trying to sleep and swallowing down waves of nausea. The vertigo was especially bad this time, and Cliff felt as if the bed were a boat bobbing on an angry sea. 

Around lunch time Elliot called him. The sound of his phone ringing pierced Cliff’s brain like jagged daggers scraping themselves over flesh. He struggled to make it to the edge of the bed and threw up into the trash can, hoping blindly that his aim was decent enough not to leave sick all over the rug. His phone went to voicemail; Cliff hadn't managed to pick it up on time. He fumbled to call Elliot back, squinting at the phone screen which seemed painfully bright. He couldn't read any of the words right now, his vision blurry with tears, but he managed to find the button to return the call. The phone rang but there was no answer. Elliot must have gone back to work, Cliff thought. It was okay. Really, it was better this way because he knew Elliot would worry and race home if he knew Cliff was feeling so sick and Cliff didn’t think he would have been able to hide it in his voice. It was why he hadn’t tried harder to answer on time.

So he held on, fighting bursts of nausea as the world spun around him at breakneck speed. At some point Cliff had to pee and stumbled to the bathroom, gripping onto anything he could reach for dear life. He managed to relieve himself, eyes mostly closed, and was washing his hands when time seemed to stop. Confused, Cliff opened his eyes and looked down at his hands. The water running over his fingers wasn't moving, as if frozen. He blinked, and then time hurried to catch up to the present just like a VHS on fast forward. 

He didn't know how he ended up on the floor, it happened so quickly. Cliff stared at the ceiling, dazed, head throbbing. He'd never noticed how uneven it was, the outdated popcorn ceiling the landlord had put in. It hid the fact that it sloped downwards right where the door was. He closed his eyes. Elliot would be home soon - or at least eventually. Cliff didn't know when, but he didn't have the energy to get up. And so he lay there, half asleep and shivering, swallowing down mouthfuls of nausea, until he finally heard the front door open. 

“Cliff? I’m home.” 

It had to have been hours later, although maybe it was only minutes. He opened his mouth to call for help. “Elliot?” Instead of a cry, it came out a whisper. He could hear Elliot opening doors, looking for him. “I’m here,” he tried again, but the sound didn't leave the room. It felt like another hour before Elliot finally found him.

“Cliff!” Elliot was suddenly kneeling at his side, a look of panic and horror on his face. Cliff realized at some point he must have vomited again, as Elliot grabbed the hand towel off the rack and quickly wiped up a patch of sick on the floor so he didn't sit in it. “What happened, baby? I’m here,” Elliot was saying. He already had that desperate, teary eyed look that filled Cliff with guilt.

“I don't know,” Cliff said weakly. “I think I fainted.” He jammed his eyes shut again, this time because Elliot was quickly multiplying into two, then four, then eight copies of himself. 

“God, why didn't you call?” Elliot asked, his hands all over Cliff trying to assess the situation. “I should've known when you didn't text me back, I’m so stupid...”

“Don't say that. You're not stupid,” Cliff mumbled. “El? I’m so dizzy.” 

“I’m calling an ambulance.”

Cliff’s eyes flew open and he grabbed Elliot’s forearm to stop him. “Don’t. Please, don’t. I’m just dizzy. And probably dehydrated. Just help me get back in bed. Please?”

Elliot bit his lip, trying to judge whether Cliff was telling the truth. It wasn’t as if Cliff hadn’t fainted before. Throwing up wasn’t that irregular of an occurrence, either. But it was more about how he had found Cliff: in such a scary, startling position on the floor. The amount Cliff was speaking - and making sense - was the only thing reassuring him at the moment.

“El?”

“I’ll make up my mind in a few minutes. Let’s get you in bed,” Elliot sighed. They both knew then that unless Cliff suddenly passed out again that he had won - but getting back in bed without incident was a small test in itself. 

Cliff let Elliot basically lug him to his feet then half carry him back to the bedroom, where Cliff realized he, in fact, had not aimed perfectly earlier. “Sorry,” he said. “I had my eyes closed.”

Elliot shook his head and helped Cliff around the mess and onto the mattress. “It’s okay.” He eased Cliff onto the pillows and brushed his sweaty hair from his eyes. “You don’t have a fever.”

“I know. It’s just a migraine. A bad one,” Cliff said. Elliot went to the bathroom and came back with two more washcloths - one to start cleaning the floor with and one for Cliff’s face. “How was the interview?”

“What?” Elliot asked, concentrating on cleaning the floor now. 

“Vogue. How was it?”

Elliot paused, looked up from his position on the floor, and suddenly laughed. “I already forgot about it. It was great,” he said, shaking his head. “Baby, you really scared me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Elliot said. “Are you still dizzy?”

Cliff stopped himself from nodding, because it would make that dizziness worse. “Yes,” he said. “Very. I’m sorry you went from Vogue to vomit on the floor.”

“Thus is marriage,” Elliot shrugged. He finished cleaning up, washed his hands in the bathroom and then returned to Cliff’s side. He stripped his clothes off down to his underwear and crawled into bed next to Cliff, wrapping his body around Cliff’s and resting his head on Cliff’s shoulder. “I’ll call the doctor in the morning,” he said quietly. He reached for Cliff’s hand and intertwined their fingers, closing his eyes. “I’m tired, Cliff. I wish I didn’t have to leave you. I worried all day.”

Cliff squeezed Elliot’s hand, guilt and affection mixed into one complex emotion that choked him up. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t help it,” Elliot said.,

“I know. I’m still sorry,” Cliff said. Elliot nuzzled closer. Cliff rested his other hand in Elliot’s hair, rubbing and closing his eyes. “I love you. Thank you for caring.”

“Of course I care,” Elliot muttered. “But what will you do when I’m gone for months?”

“We’ll figure it out,” Cliff said. He managed to sound more confident than he felt. “Maybe I’ll be doing better by then. Become a roadie. I’m still your biggest fan, you know?”

Elliot huffed out a quiet, exhausted laugh. “Shut up.”

Cliff smiled and kissed the top of Elliot’s head, smelling his sweaty, coconut-scented shampoo curls. “I love you,” he said. “And we will figure it out.”

“I know,” Elliot said. “We always do.” 

[nicolepeterson]

Who: Nicole Peterson & @rickyxthompson with @mattswheeler & appearance by @galexpeterson

Location: Halloween Bash, a street on Primrose Heights

Date: October 27th, 2023

Summary: Nicole, Ricky, & Matt try to enjoy the Halloween Bash when Nicole goes into labor

Notes: This was written on Discord. Jennie is in italics and normal was written by Kayla.

Triggers: Pregnancy, labor, birth

Halloween was always a favorite of Nicole's and she loved the event that happened at the country club. Maybe it was because her birthday was around then, but whatever it was, she loved it. So of course she had Ricky take her out so they can see it. Never mind that she was cramping all day. She had been for days, actually. Braxton Hicks kept coming and going, but she wasn't going to let that stop her from having fun. She wanted to see it all and if she could, maybe go through the haunted house. "We should've dressed up. Get our names in the costume contest." She said as they parked and she rounded the car to take Ricky's hand. "I could've gone as Juno or something."

Ricky wasn't really sure about going to the event with how Nicole had been feeling. They had a little while before the due date and now that Ricky was living at home again he wanted them to do things together. However it worried him that she was having cramps and the festival was not close to the hospital. "You could have," he agreed taking her hand. "I still don't know what to dress up as, if I do. I might just dig through my old costumes and see what I can find." He told her as they headed to the entrance glancing at his phone to read a text "Matt said he's heading over he just had to close up shop. He might even be here already." he told her.

She smiled as they interlocked hands. She was happy they were like this right now. Things had been so emotional over the last several months, but they were trying hard and she wanted this with him more than anything. "Come on, we should do something. It's our first Halloween as a couple. Last year we were just playing video games online together." She laughed as they walked inside and looked around. "Perfect. Maybe he'll dress up with me." She nudged Ricky. "He hanging with us then instead of Logan? Or is he gonna show up?"

He furrowed his brow when she mentioned them meeting online. "Was that back then?" He couldn't believe it had been a year and so much had happened. He shrugged. "We could wear the same costumes we wore for the LARPing thing Brady put on. You made a pretty cute princess." He said. "Besides, its not like we're doing any wild parties this year. Maybe just handing out candy. We always get a lot of kids on our street." He told her as they went inside and started to check out the festival. "I guess so. She might be here too. They've been hanging out a lot, huh? She better not steal our Matt from us." He joked. "So, anything special you wanna do first? I would maybe avoid the scary stuff. The last thing we need is your water breaking while we're here." He chuckled a little.

She nodded. "A year ago. And look at us now." She honestly wouldn't have believed it if someone told her that this is where she would be. It was crazy, but she was happy. "We could. I have to say, I loved your costume." She squeezed his hand before stopping and listening to him as he talked. "Wow. You realize how domestic that sounded? We're going to dress up to sit and hand out candy to the neighborhood kids." It was wild, but cute all the same. "Hey, more power to her if she does. He deserves happiness." Nicole's face scrunched up and she rolled her eyes. "I was going to say food first, but now I wanna do the haunted house. I can handle the scary stuff." Maybe not as a kid when it gave her an asthma attack, but she could do it now. "Maybe definitely food first."

"Yep. It's just been a string of craziness." He said in a light tone but felt like it had been a lot. He had got out of jail, started a relationship, relapsed and was about to be a father. With how badly things had gone at the halfway house he knew that leaving was the right choice but he was worried about what he was going to do now if he couldn't handle it. He chuckled. "Yeah. Usually my mom was the one who handed out candy. Or if she was working she'd ask me to do it and I'd just put the bowl outside and sit in the basement gaming or whatever." he admitted and nodded when she mentioned Logan and Matt. "Yeah, I know. I want him to be happy too." he assured her. He really did hope his friend found love and could heal from what he had been through. "Well okay, if you're sure. But yes, food first." He agreed.

"It really has." She knew it hadn't been the easiest year for either of them, but they were getting through it together and that's what was important. It was hard to figure it all out, but they were doing it, even if they were struggling here and there. She was just happy to have him around more; even if she hated that things didn't go well for him at the halfway house. "Well, now it's up to us unless you wanna clean up after someone throws toilet paper around the house." She said and nodded. "I know you do." She rubbed his hand. "I should be fine. We have like a week before my due date." Which was definitely cutting it close, so maybe she should be more careful, but she loved a good haunted house. Speaking of, she felt a cramp coming on and she squeezed his hand as she stood there for a moment and touched her bump. "Just second." She said and took a deep breath before it passed and she sighed. "These Braxton Hicks are annoying."

"Unless I make Matt do it," he teased. He nodded. "Yeah. Its fine I'm sure." He said although he wasn't completely convinced. He stopped when she did, becoming worried. "What's wrong?" He watched her and something was telling him that something wasn't right. "Look, maybe we should go home. We could go through a drive thru and just relax tonight. I just. I'd feel better if we were closer to town." he said.

She laughed. "And what would we do? Go play video games?" She teased him a little. She breathed and looked up at him, touching his cheek. She knew he was worried, but she didn't want her having some normal cramps to ruin their fun. "I'm okay. It was nothing. I want to enjoy this with you. If it continues, I promise we can go, but just one is nothing. It's all okay." Nicole tried to assure him and smiled. "We worry too much. We need to have fun."

"Yeah, we could." he said smiling a little at the thought. He quickly became worried however. He knew she had been having cramps on and off but with how close they were to the due date, it scared him every time. "Are you sure?" he asked. He wanted them to be prepared when the time came, so they could get into the hospital with no issues. He still worried despite her saying it was nothing but he also wanted them to have a good time. He knew he had put Nicole through a lot these past several months and he wasn't about to ruin something else for them. "Yeah, well we haven't had the best of luck with these events." he muttered, referring to the two that had ended in disaster even though neither of them had attended. It seemed something always went wrong. He nodded when she promised they'd leave if it got worse trying to believe her that everything was fine. "Okay. Well, lets sit down for a while. I'll text Matt and see where he's at." he said leading them to an empty picnic table near the food trucks.

"That's fair." She laughed and rubbed his hand. "I'm positive. It's okay. We're going to have fun. We'll call this our last hoorah before the baby comes." She tried to tell him before nodding and smiled. "It won't be like that. This one is going to be perfect. We'll play games, win a prize, and by the end of the night, we'll be smiling and coming off a sugar high, okay?" She tried to tell him. "You don't have to worry." She said before nodding and moving towards one of the tables. She sat down and sighed as her back ached. As they sat, she felt another cramp sneak up on her and she rubbed her stomach while trying no to let Ricky know so she forced himself not to react as much as possible. When she spotted Matt, she pointed at him and smiled. "There he is." She said as he joined. "Sorry. I wasn't gonna, um, come."

Ricky smiled a little and nodded. "I guess we better start by finding some mini donuts or candied apples or something." He rubbed her stomach as well. "Maybe we could go on the haunted hay ride or something after? We'll just tell them to drive slow." He became distracted when he looked up and saw Matt and waved. "We're just glad you made it." he said. "We were just discussing what we should get to eat."

She nodded. "We better. You have two people who is craving a lot of sweets right now." She said before nodding. "Yes. I'd love that. And please, those things are slow enough as it is." She laughed, thankful the cramps ended once Matt appeared. "Definitely happy." Nicole agreed with Ricky with a smile. "Thanks." Matt said and shook his head. "Food please." She begged and pouted at Ricky. "Fries? And donuts?"

"Sure, blame the baby." he teased her and grinned. "I'll be sure to get some extra Halloween candy for you so there's some for the trick or treaters." He assured her. "They are, but they're bumpy. We don't want anything falling out, you know?" He started to stand. "Alright, alright. You know I'm not going to scorn you if you want to eat chicken nuggets or something in front of me." he told her as Ricky had been vegetarian for a few months now.

"You're right. It's all me wanting the sweets." She grinned at him and nodded. "Smart man." She laughed and made a face. "Please. If anything falls out, it might be you from me pushing you off." She teased him as she nudged him a little bit. "Oh, I know, but right now I want fries." She said with a pout before smiling. "We'll wait here." She said and rubbed her bump while the boys went off and got food; just in time too for her stomach to tense up. She took a deep breath and rubbed her stomach. "Listen, baby. I know it sounds like fun out here right now, but please stay put for Mommy. She just wants to enjoy this night with your daddy, okay?" She said and swallowed she rode out the pain.

He frowned pretending to be offended. "You wouldn't dare." he said before kissing her cheek. He went with Matt and ordered their food. When it finally came he returned to the table he noticed Nicole was in pain again. He set the food down. "Are you sure you're okay?" he said becoming concerned again.

"We'll see about that." She grinned at him. She was so happy that they weren't acting how they had been the last several weeks. This was all she wanted and she was glad to be with him. Nicole looked up when she heard them and smiled as she nodded. "Yeah. He's just decided my ribs are his play thing tonight." She lied, not wanting him to worry about this. It'd pass. "Fries." She said and she grabbed the container of them before starting to eat. "What's going on? Have you been having contractions?" Matt asked as he sat down and she shook her head. "Just cramps, its fine."

"Because we're adults now." He told Matt teasingly. He handed Nicole the fries when they came back but couldn't shake the feeling it was something more than cramps. He wished he could stop worrying and reassure himself that this was normal. Maybe because they were on high alert with it being close to the due date. "Yeah, a lot of them today." Ricky said when he heard her tell Matt they were just cramps. "Maybe we should go to the doctor tomorrow." he suggested as he sat down next to her to eat.

Nicole ate her fries before a sigh came from her lips and she looked around for a moment. "It's not a lot. A few times. It's been happening on and off for a few days. It's normal." She tried to assure him. "We can if you want to, but can we enjoy tonight?" She asked and wrapped her arm around his. "Please?"

Ricky looked at Nicole. "But more than before." he argued. Again he tried to push his fears from his mind for her. "I am enjoying it." he tried to assure her, and he was. Or would have been, if he wasn't worried. He was glad they could spend time together without a curfew to worry about like when he was in the halfway house.

She smiled and rubbed Ricky's arm. "It's just my body preparing. It's okay." Nicole smiled up at him. "Hayride then? After this?" She asked and looked into his eyes. She wanted to distract him from al this and maybe the hayride would help. She sat up and ate more of her fries. "And then maybe the haunted house?"

"But that means it could happen soon, doesn't it?" He looked at her with worried eyes. He wasn't a doctor obviously but he wouldn't be surprised if the baby came a few days earlier than they were expecting. Hopefully not tonight. He nodded. "Okay. We can do that, yeah. But need don't need to stay long. I don't really care about the fireworks." he admitted, considering what happened in July. He finished eating and started to gather their garbage up.

She nodded. "It does, but I'm due in a almost a week. It's expected." Nicole pointed out before nodding. "Okay. We'll go after a while. I don't think they're having fireworks here though. Too many people still spooked from them." She gave him a reassurance. "Besides, fireworks and Halloween don't mix." She finished her fries and helped get the garbage for standing up slowly.

He sighed, deciding not to argue about it although he couldn't settle his fear. "That doesn't stop people from setting them off." he said when she said there would be no fireworks, but he was relieved. Ricky felt bad for his comment to Matt and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Come on, man." he said not wanting to bring down his mood. "Hey, don't tell Nicole, but you're my real date, and she's the third wheel." he joked hoping to lighten the mood as they headed towards the carriage.

"I know." She said, but hoping no one would. It wasn't usually done anyways that time of year. She listened as they walked towards the hayrides and rolled her eyes. "I heard that." She nudged him, but Matt laughed. "I knew it." He teased as they got to the ride. "Help me up." Nicole said and stuck her hand to Ricky. Matt hopped up first and held his hand out to help as well before they were all in the ride and it started to move. She rubbed her bump as they moved and sighed as another cramp came over her and she shifted in her seat.

"You heard nothing." He teased his girlfriend. He grabbed her other hand as Matt helped her up and they sat on the side of the carriage while a few more people got on. He put his arm around Nicole as they started to move. "Hold on. There's no seat belts." he said even though he knew they wouldn't be going fast, he still worried about her.

She leaned against him as they started moving and nodded. "Sure I didn't." She teased. They went down the dark path before a figure ran out of the woods scream, causing her to jump. "Jesus."

"Man, look at that guy." he added nodding towards a man walking around in an inflatable baby costume near by. He jumped a little when the person screamed and laughed rubbing her back. "You okay? I feel like I should be streaming this for your followers." he teased as the carriage went on through the woods.

"That's just weird." Nicole laughed. She settled back in the carriage and nodded. "I'm okay. And I'm sure they'd love that." She smiled and swallowed as they hit a bump and it made her wince a little. She was feeling more and more uncomfortable by the minute. She released a breath as some guy with a chainsaw started chasing the ride and she held onto Ricky's hand tight; a bigger cramp striking her then as well and she groaned; but it was hidden by the sounds of the chainsaw.

"Probably. They like seeing you get scared." he laughed. He was too distracted by the ride to notice that Nicole was in pain but felt her squeeze his hand tighter. He tried to laugh it off. "It's okay, it's not real." he assured her. They went a little further down the path and he flinched when a woman in a tattered dress lunged at them from behind a tree. "Are you sure you can handle the haunted house after this?" he asked Nicole.

"They do. There's a reason the scary games are more popular." Nicole let out a breath and nodded as she released the grip on Ricky's hand, only to jump as well as a woman ran out form behind the tree. This whole thing was starting to feel like a bad idea, but she didn't want him to know. "Y-Yeah. I'll be fine." She said and smiled at him. After going through a some teens singing Ring Around the Roses in a creepy tone and two people in a pigs mask along with another pain going through her, they were finally at the end and she released a sigh of relief. She waited until the others got off before she moved and took Ricky's hand so he could help her down. "You know, maybe we should..." She stopped as she got to the ground and she felt her water break. She touched her stomach and looked up at Ricky. "We should, um, go to the hospital."

"Because you look so cute when you get scared of silly things." Ricky teased her giving a nudge. As they continued on down the path and endured more scares, Ricky couldn't help but notice that somethjng felt off with Nicole when she wasn't really screaming or laughing like everyone else did and became more worried. Finally, the ride came to an end and he took her hands as she stepped off the ride. "Well, that was not too bad was it?" he asked. His eyes widened and his heart dropped suddenly. "What?" he saw that her pants were soaked. "Oh, shit..." He could feel his heart racing already as he turned around quickly looking for Matt, and seeing other people coming off the carriage. "Matt!" he yelled when he saw him. "We gotta go. We gotta go now."

"They're not silly." She shook her head. Nicole watched as he looked at her and nodded before looking back for Matt, who was hopping off the carriage. "What? Why? All we've done is the..." He looked at them and noticed Nicole's pants and back up at her. "Shit." He said before nodding. "Okay, okay. We got this. Who parked closer? I can run and get the car and meet you out front?" He said and his mind started racing. "We parked close, didn't we?" She asked Ricky and took a deep breath to calm herself down.

Ricky took a breath trying to stay calm but it wasn't easy. He could barely even think straight or answer Matt's question. He ran his hand through his hair and looked around nervously for the quickest route to the parking lot. "Um..yeah." he nodded quickly. "Let's take my car." he said and put his arm around Nicole. "Be careful. Don't go too fast. Matt, you go ahead of us and try and clear the way." he said knowing it was crowded, and it was going to be hard to get out.

She took a deep breath and held onto Ricky. "I'm okay." She tried to tell him while she watched Matt move ahead of them. "We'll have to go inside and through the crowd. Going around the place will take forever." She said and gripped his hand as what she knew now was a contraction came over her. "Fuck." She squeezed her eyes shut. "What if we don't make it?"

Ricky swallowed as he tried to help her walk. He nodded when she said they'd have to go through the crowd to the parking lot. He stopped when she had another contraction. "Oh, fuck.." he pressed his hand against his head trying to keep it together. "We will. We have to make it." He said as he tried to keep following Matt. "We could call an ambulance but...I dont know. It would take just as long to get here." He tried to reason.

She took a deep breath as it passed and she started following slowly behind while Matt went and she tried harder to just breathe. This is what she got for trying those quick labor things she had seen. "And then back." She said and nodded as the started going up the stairs and through the crowd. She prayed another contraction wouldn't come, but as they got close to the door, she felt the baby move lower and her stomach tensed. "Ugh." She stopped and held onto the wall for a moment.

He nodded. "Right.. we have to go there ourselves." He felt like they were way over their heads but it was their only option. He stopped when he saw she was having another contraction. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't believe this was happening right now, and here of all places. He took her hand. "Come on, we're almost there. Its not much farther, okay?" He tried to assure her placing his hands on her cheeks. He knew he wouldn't be able to carry her safely so he needed her to keep trying. As they went towards the door there were a lot of people coming in but he held onto her and kept moving around them.

She nodded. It was the better option than just waiting for the ambulance and then driving the same distance anyways. She sighed as he urged her to move and she nodded before taking a deep breath and held his hand as they kept going towards the parking lot. It was hard getting through all the people, but they were finally on the porch and started going down the stairs. Luckily, Matt had pulled up in their car and she gripped the handle of the backseat as another contraction hit her. "They're not stopping." She cried as she leaned against the car.

"There's the car." He said feeling relieved to see Matt. He was very glad that his best friend was there because he was not calm, his hands were shaking and there was no way Ricky could drive. Ricky watched another contraction come feeling even more panicked. He opened the back door of the car. "It'll be okay," he tried to assure her. He got in next to her. "We have to hurry, man." He told Matt.

She carefully got into the back seat and held her stomach while Ricky got in. She let out a breath while Matt started to drive, but was going slow as people were everywhere going in and out of the place. "Oh, my god." She groaned and leaned her head back against the seat. "Honk at them." She begged and Matt nodded before starting to honk trying to get people to move and they did to a point. "I'm sorry I made us come here." She told Ricky. "I should've listened to you."

"Jesus Christ, move!" Ricky yelled at the other drivers even though they couldn't hear them. He knew they needed to get to the hospital soon but it seemed like everything was making it impossible. This felt like a bad dream. He was on the verge of tears from all the frustration and fear that something bad could happen to Nicole or their son. He shook his head and took her hand. "Don't worry about that now, okay? Just focus on keeping that baby in." He said and let out a sigh when he saw a clear path to the exit open up. "Oh, thank god.."

"I'm trying." She said and squeezed his hand. She felt the car move faster as an opening came and Matt pulled out of the parking lot. She took a deep breath and let out short breaths as a another contraction came and tears filled her eyes. She could feel her son moving further down and she groaned against the seat. "He's moving more. I don't think we're going to make it."

Ricky squeezed back. "Its gonna be okay. We'll get there soon." He tried to assure her but grew more worried when she said the baby was moving. He rubbed her stomach not really knowing what else to do. "Come on, Matt. What the hell is taking so long?" He cried out as the stress was getting to him.

She kept taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly as they moved through town. They were still in Primrose Heights and had to make it all the way to Maple Hills where the hospital was and they kept hitting stop lights. "I'm trying my best! There's just so many reds and people driving everywhere." Matt called back. He was feeling stressed as well about the whole thing, but kept going as quick but as safe as he could too. As she breathed and another contraction hit her, she shook her head and lifted her hips a little. "I need these off of me." Nicole started pushing down her pants. "Get them off."

Ricky knew that freaking out was not going to help the situation but it was hard for him to stay calm when Matt said the traffic was bad, which meant it was going to take longer. His eyes widened when Nicole said she needed her pants off and he realized that they may not make it. "What? Oh my god..Oh fuck!" he tried helping her get them off and started hitting the back of Matt's seat to get his attention. "Pull over, man! Pull over and call 911!" he was practically screaming at him.

"Off please." She said with a begging voice and kept trying to push her pants down while kicking off her shoes. "What?" Matt asked and looked back before his eyes widened. "Fuck." He said and he got over as best as he could before putting off into a empty parking lot at the park. Matt got his phone out and he started dialing 911. "I need to push I think. God... It's so much pressure. Get everything off please." Nicole begged Ricky as she felt another contraction and her son move lower.

Ricky helped her get her pants and underwear off as Matt pulled over to the side of the road. He laid Nicole down across the seat and got out to give her more room. "Fuck me, man....I don't know what to do.." he muttered to himself as his hands shook. "No, don't push! No pushing. You have to try and keep it in until they get here, Nicole, please!" he shouted at in his panicked state. "Matt, tell them to hurry! We need them here like now!"

She sat up a little bit and groaned. "You try not pushing something forcing it's way out of you!" She yelled back and laid her head back and she breathed. She could hear Matt talking to 911 and telling them what was going on and she let out a breath. "You have to look. Do you see anything? I can feel him down there, but can you see it?"

"You have to try, okay? I can't do this..." His voice broke as he could feel his heart thudding in his chest. He didn't feel like he should be the one to deliver his baby when he had no idea what he was doing and something could go wrong. He didn't want to look but he did. "There's...there's water coming out and...I see something. I don't know..fuck!" He knew that he was probably seeing a small bit of the baby's head and quickly took off his jacket laying it on the seat in case the baby came out. "Shit...what do I do? Matt, tell them to fucking hurry! It's coming out... ask them what to do!" he told his friend with desperation.

Her heart ached when he said he couldn't do this and she moved to touch his cheek. "I believe in you, okay? I can't hold him in so you can do this. We're gonna meet our son." She said softly and she groaned as she pushed a little while Ricky yelled. She released a breath and she handed him her bag. "Get the hand sanitizer in there. If he comes out before they get here, we're gonna need something to wrap him in and he'll need to go on my chest quickly." She said, going through her list in her head from the thousands of videos she had seen lately on labor and delivery.. "They're on their way. They want to know what you see and to just try to stay calm." Matt said from up front. She let out a cry as she started pushing again and steadied herself on her elbows. "Oh my god..."

Tears filled his eyes and Ricky nodded when she said she believed in him. He grabbed the hand sanitizer and used a lot of it to rub into his hands trying to mentally calm himself so that he could do this. "I think I have a blanket in the trunk, hold on." He moved quickly to the back of his car where he kept some emergency things and grabbed the blanket before he came back and knelt on the pavement by the door. He took a breath and held apart her knees. "I see part of the head. I'm pretty sure...there's hair. It's starting to come out. How much longer are they going to be?" He asked Matt.

She nodded and took a deep breath while she waited for him to come back with a blanket. She couldn't believe this was happening like this, but of course it was. When was anything going to plan during events? Or even in their relationship? Once he came back, she listened to him and tears ran down her cheeks and swallowed. "They're still about ten minutes out. The traffic is bad coming and going to the country club." Matt said. "I gotta push again." Nicole said as a contraction came and she start pushing harder than before. She could feel it burning and she let out a small scream as she continued to push; letting out a gasp as she felt the head leave her body. "Oh, my god. Oh, my god." She gasped out and leaned her head back.

They couldn't have been less prepared for this. Ricky had a feeling the baby was going to come soon, but he didn't think it would be this soon. He had a bad feeling about going to the event but nothing could have prepared him to deliver his son in his car on the side of ther road. His heart felt like it was inside his throat as Nicole screamed and he saw more of the baby's head coming out, plus more fluid and more blood. He felt like he could hardly breathe, but he tried to keep calm. He remembered when he helped the horse being born when he was in rehab and how quickly it happened. He told himself that he could do this and took a breath. "No, don't, you could tear and bleed out.." He tried to tell her but he could tell it was already happening. He had to do his best to help guide their baby out. He held his breath as more of the head appeared. "The head is out...like the whole head." He said and waited for more of the baby to come. He knew next the baby's shoulder should come but he wasn't seeing it "I-I think he's stuck....shit. Babe, you need to push again."

She listened to him and took a deep breath as she tried not to push, but it was so hard. However, their son's head came out and she had a tear run down her cheeks while Ricky told her the head was out. "The cord isn't there, right? I don't wanna hurt him." She wanted to make sure, but fear started building in her when Ricky said he thought the baby was stuck. She knew she needed to do this and once she was sure the cord wasn't around her son's neck, she took a deep breath, widened her legs more, and pushed harder; letting out a louder scream as she tried to get her son unstuck.

Ricky was sure he was running on pure adrenaline. He couldn't even fully process that he was seeing his son's tiny face for the first time. "I...I don't know. I don't think so." Ricky couldn't see anything but he knew it was still possible something was wrong. He carefully gripped the baby with one hand under the head and pulled while Nicole pushed again. He finally saw the baby's shoulder and guided more of him out with his other hand. "He's almost there, Nicole. I see him." Tears were running down his cheeks. He didn't want to pull him out and cause any damage. "One more push, you can do it." He looked up at her.

Tears ran down her face as Ricky said he was almost there. Their son was almost there. She felt exhausted and in so much pain, but she wanted to see her son so desperately and she couldn't believe this was all happening. She barely heard Matt's voice anymore as he talked to the 911 operator. Nicole was only focused on her boyfriend and getting her son out. She nodded and took a deep breath before pushing again, feeling the baby slide out and finally he was born. She was a mother.

He held his breath waiting knowing they didn't have much time to get the baby out safely and he didn't even hear sirens which meant the ambulance wasn't close. He could see the baby's top half and when Nicole pushed the rest of his body slid out. He felt his heart racing as he held his son. He sat down on the ground pulling the baby close to his chest. He couldnt speak or move. He could hardly believe what had just happened, until it occurred to him that he wasn't crying. He didn't think he could panic any more than he already had in the past hour but the thought of their son not coming home with them was too much. He turned the baby over in his arms looking at his face. "Matt…he's not breathing!" he yelled to his friend so that he could tell the dispatchers. He knew he had to try something and he grabbed the blanket. He turned the baby face down in his arms carefully and started rubbing his son's chest and back vigorously. "Oh God, please…" he prayed as he ignored his tears, and finally he heard him take a breathe and the sound of his cries. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief and quickly wrapped the baby in the blanket. He held him for a moment feeling so many emotions at once. "He's okay…" Ricky was breathing deeply. When he stood from the ground however, he felt like the blood was draining from his head at once. He knew he had to give the baby to Nicole. He moved into the car to hand the baby to her. He couldnt take the time to enjoy their first moment with his son because he feel himself fading fast. He tumbled backwards as everything went black very quickly.

Nicole relaxed back against the seat and took a deep breath. She couldn't believe she had just given birth in the back of the car, but she did. However, she wasn't hearing anything. No cries. She sat up as she heard Ricky and she started to panic. "Rub his chest." She said and reached for him. "I can do it." But Ricky already was and in the distance, she could heard the sirens. Finally, their son started crying and she laughed while Ricky wrapped him and brought him close when she was given her son. She moved the blanket a little carefully and moved her shirt so the boy could get some skin to skin contact to keep his heat with the blanket as well. "Hi, baby. My sweet baby boy." She said as he cried and looked up to see Ricky fall. "Ricky! Matt, help!" She said and watched Matt get out of the car to help his friend while the ambulance and police showed up.

When Ricky started to come to, he could hear voices around him. He was still confused and his head was hurting a bit. He opened his eyes and waited for them to adjust when he realized someone was speaking to him. He gathered from their uniform that they were a paramedic. He was still on the ground, but someone had put something under his head. "Where's Nicole?" he lifted his head and saw that his girlfriend had been moved to a stretcher. "Is she okay? Is the baby okay?" he looked into the face of the paramedic who nodded. "She's fine and so is your son. You did an amazing job, you just passed out for a few minutes. It happens." The paramedic asked him a few questions, ensuring he was okay and then helped Ricky slowly sit up. When he felt like he could regain his balance enough he stood and went to Nicole seeing she was still holding Link. "Are you okay?"

Everything happened so fast. The paramedics went to Ricky and her brother's face appeared. She continued holding Link close to her and Gale along with aonther paramedic helped her onto a stretcher. "Is Ricky okay?" She asked and the paramedic nodded. "He'll be fine. Just passed out, but should be awake any moment." They said and she nodded as she was brought into the ambulance and was checked out. She explained what had happened and the paramedic went to check Ricky and Gale went to talk to the other police. She held Link close and rubbed his back through the blanket and smiled as Ricky appeared. "Hey. Yeah, we're perfect." She assured him and gestured for him to get in the back with her. "How are you? Are you okay?"

He stepped into the ambulance after a paramedic had handed him some water and made sure he was not going to pass out again. He nodded. "I'm fine, yeah. I just got a little light-headed." he explained. It was probably a shock to his system with everything happening so fast. He put his hand on her cheek. "I'm glad you guys are okay." He looked down at their son feeling relieved to see him safe and warm in her arms. It still felt unreal that he was here with them. "That was...intense." he chuckled. "Like, I wouldn't even believe this happened if I wasn't here. We might end up in the paper or the news." He joked and let out a breath, taking her hand. "But he's here. We have our baby." He smiled and kissed her lips before the paramedics got in and said they would be taking them to the hospital. Before they closed the ambulance doors , Ricky saw Matt near the car. "Matt, we'll meet you there." he said since his friend had his car.

She smiled and nodded. "Well, you lucked out and missed the after birth, but I figured you wouldn't mind that part of cutting the cord." She teased him and stared into his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" Nicole asked again before nodding once more. "We are definitely okay." Her eyes went down to their son and back up to him. "God, at least the picture would be us at the hospital and not in the middle of it all." She squeezed his hand and kissed him back. "We do. We have our son." She looked out and smiled at Matt before back at Ricky as the doors closed and they headed to the hospital. "Gale was the officer on seen. I didn't get to tell him about the name yet. I'm think we should add Matt's name to it. Seeing as he helped." She rubbed his hand. "But you... you did amazing. You helped our son enter the world."

"I probably didn't need to see that. I might have passed out again." he chuckled and nodding. "Yeah. Dont worry about me. And at least I'd be in the paper for something other than an arrest." He said lightly. He sat in the seat next to her as they started to move towards the hospital and kept his hand on hers. "He was?" He raised his brows when she said Gale was there and nodded. "Yeah. We put poor Matt through a lot. But if he wasn't there I dont know what we'd do." He was very grateful for Matt being with them to drive and call 911. He nodded again. "How about both? He could be Lincoln Gale Matthew Thompson." He said and rubbed her hand. "You did incredible. You had a baby on the side of the road." He smiled and touched the baby's head. "It was amazing. Like the most wild thing I've ever done. And then I was so scared when he wasn't making any noise. I thought..." he swallowed starting to tear up. "But he did, and..it was amazing."

She laughed and nodded. "Probably." Nicole touched his cheek softly for a moment and brought her hand back to his. "I just wanna make sure you weren't hurt." She was scared after she watched him fall back and worried he hit his head, but he looked okay. Both of her boys were okay. "Yeah. He helped get me onto the stretcher." She said and smiled at him. "We really do. I love both. Our little Lincoln Gale Matthew Thompson." Her eyes went to her son who nestled close to her. "He didn't leave me much choice." She laughed a little before nodding and squeezed his hand. "It was. The whole thing was crazy, but amazing." She leaned in and kissed him softly. "I love you so much, Ricky."

He nodded giving her hand a squeeze. "I'm fine. You're the one who just pushed a whole ass person out of you." He smiled and kissed her head. "Are you in pain or anything? We can get them to give you something." He looked down at their son still finding it hard to believe he was here. "It all happened so quickly." he agreed. He watched as they pulled up to the hospital and he let go of Nicole's hand when they loaded her out of the ambulance. When they reached the ER he watched nervously as they took Nicole and his son to a secluded area to be checked out. He sat down and waited.

She laughed a little. "He gave me no choice in the matter." Nicole said and grinned as he kissed her head. "I'm okay. It just feels weird sort of. A little crampy." She ran a finger over her son's cheeks. "I know. I should've listened to you about going when we got to the bash, but I didn't think this would happen." She held onto Link as they were taken off the ambulance and then taken to get checked out. A doctor took the baby away to get cleaned and she was checked out by one. After a bit and Nicole getting cleaned up, they were brought to a private room and both healthy as could be. A nurse went to go get Ricky while another helped her feed Link for the first time. While it felt weird, she smiled as he took on quick and she was feeling him by the time Ricky came in. "Look, he's feeding."

He shook his head and touched her shoulder. "It's okay. I don't know if we would have made it there from home either." He chuckled softly. When they were examining Link and Nicole, a doctor came to ask Ricky some questions about the birth and about his fall. He saw Matt finally arrive and he waited outside the room talking with him for a bit before a nurse came and told Ricky they had moved Nicole to a private room for the night. "Would you mind getting our overnight bags? They're in the car." Ricky asked Matt. He took the elevator up to the room he had been told and found Nicole feeding Link. "I bet he's hungry after all that." Ricky said looking at the baby. "I sent Matt to get our stuff." He explained. "I guess maybe I should text my mom." He reached for his phone.

Nicole smiled up at him. "He's definitely happily taking it." She smiled and watched her son as he ate before nodding. "Okay. He doing okay? It was quite the adventure." She laughed before nodding. "I wonder if Gale has told mine. I think my phone is still in the car. Can you see if Matt will grab it?" She asked. "Also, is it okay if maybe no visitors for the night? They can see us tomorrow. Except Matt and Gale, I think. They already saw him. Besides, the doctor said if everything goes well, we'll be released in the afternoon. I just want him to bond with us."

Ricky nodded. "I think so. And yeah, I'll text him." He sent a text to Matt and nodded again. "Yeah. Its getting late and I'm beat. As much I'm sure my mom will be here first thing in the morning." He chuckled and sent a quick text to her and then Renee. He put his phone away and sat on the edge of the bed. "When he's done eating can I hold him?" He asked as he hadn't had much of a chance to before he fainted.

"Thank you." She said with a smile and nodded. "You and me both. I can tell the nurses too. I'm sure my family will try coming down." She looked up at Ricky and nodded. "Of course." Not long after, he was done and she burped him carefully before passing him to Ricky. Her heart swelled as she saw him with their son and she grinned. "You look so good with him." After a moment, a nurse came in with the stuff Matt dropped off and Nicole talked to her about no visitors and then she took her phone and took a picture of Ricky with their son, sending it to her family to tell them.

"I bet you are." He smiled softly. "My mom will for sure try to be the first one. She's got competition now." He said referring to Nicole's parents. He took the baby from her carefully and stood to gently bounce with him in his arms when he fussed a little. "Look at him. He's beautiful." He felt tears come to his eyes as he really looked at him for the first time since he came out. He thought to himself that no matter where he was in his recovery, from this moment on, he could never give up trying. He wanted nothing more than to love and care for his son and to be a good father. "I love you, Link.." he said softly. He sat next to Nicole again. "And I love you," he told her before kissing her lips. "We're a family.." he chuckled after saying it, as he could hardly believe it.

"That's gonna be fun." She laughed. She knew her parents were gonna be around a lot and so was Nancy. Plus Gale. Their son already had so many people who loved him and she was so happy to have that for him. "He is." Nicole agreed and smiled as she watched her boys together. Tears lined her own eyes and she leaned against him as he sat by her. "I love you." She kissed him back. "We are. The Thompson boys and Peterson girl. The perfect family."

He looked at her and smiled. "Are you sure you can handle that? There's two of us now." He teased. "And now there's no going back." he added. Every day he felt lucky to have Nicole in his life through all the ups and mostly downs he'd been through this year. He heard his phone notification going off and glanced at the screen. "Its just my mom blowing up my phone. Shes probably screaming and driving Harrison crazy." He said.

She smiled and nodded. "I've handled it this far. I'm happy to continue." Nicole smiled and kissed his shoulder. "Good. I don't want to." She looked at his phone and then hers went off as well. "There's mine." She reached over and muted her phone. "They can wait. We have our own child to give attention to tonight." She said and laid back a little, moving so he could lay by her. "Thank you, Ricky. For giving me him. For helping me bring him into the world."

He smiled back "As long as you're sure." He leaned down to kiss her head. He chuckled. "I didn't even tell anyone how he was born yet. I'm sure they'll hear about it soon enough." He added looking down at the baby in his arms. It was all so crazy how this happened, but it seemed fitting with all the chaos in his life. He layed down next to her holding their son between them. He smiled softly. "Well, thank you for sleeping with me." He chuckled and looked at their son giving a small sigh. "I still can't believe that we made this thing. And now we're going to have to take care of him for a very long time."

"I am." She smiled and leaned into his kiss. "I'm sure they will. We'll tell them in the morning. It's definitely a story." She still couldn't believe this was what happened. That this was how their son was brought into the world. She could hear her mom saying now like mother like son. "No problem." She laughed as they relaxed together and she looked at their son. "For the rest of our lives. This perfect baby is all ours."

[farfromstrange]

Foreigner's God: Chapter 9

Main Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x OFC

Chapter Summary: Stress can be a trigger for so many things, there is at least some truth in that statement. Whether good things come of it, that's to be determined. Or in other words, Eliza is pretty sure she has lost her mind, Matt looks like he's been run over by a bench trunk but he's Matt, so his first priority isn't him, it's her, and Foggy proves once again that has impeccable timing.

Warnings: blood, thoughts about relapsing, drugs, mentioned sexual assault, repeated use of the word 'rape', mentioned child abuse, Matt Murdock crying, making out

Other characters: Claire Temple, Foggy Nelson

Word Count: 11k

A/n: At the beginning of this story I was like (it's gonna take till at least chapter sixteen for the slow burn to stop burning slow) and then I reached chapter nine and was like fuck it! Let's give them some of what they want. Anyway, you're welcome!

Read Chapter 9: Block Me Out here on AO3!

18+ MINORS DNI

“Are you sure you’re gonna be alright?”

Claire stood in Matt’s living room, rubber gloves covered in blood. She had her little first-aid kit with her, and she was still wearing her light blue scrubs from work. Her shift had barely ended when she got the call. The kind person she was, she jumped into her car and headed for Matt Murdock’s apartment. She knew the path like the back of her hand by then. The many times she helped to stitch him up were in the tens, she figured. She told Matt she was done. She wasn’t doing this anymore. She didn’t want to. Being with him hurt her, he hadn’t been good for her. That was the reason why she drew the line underneath their ‘relationship’ if you could even consider it that. They surely didn’t share that much in common. She just had a very skilled chance and he tended to get hurt due to his desperate need to throw fists at criminals. They were nothing alike and yet Claire had never cared that much for a person before she met him. He was truly special but in a broken way. Broken people tend to do stupid things.

Though when the stranger’s voice sounded from the other line of the phone that night, she grew curious. When the woman told her Matt was on the verge of bleeding out and refused to be taken to a hospital, so she took him back to his apartment, barely breathing, and she didn’t know what to do, she packed her stuff and left the hospital in a hurry. She didn’t know Eliza, for all she knew it could’ve been a prank call, but it was the same number Matt gave her to call her and only her, and the woman was crying when she called. Only someone who was truly worried would’ve done something like this. The thought that she might’ve been a danger to Matt or her didn’t cross her mind for a second. She believed her instantly.

That was how the nurse got to where she was in the first place. She stitched Matt up, making sure he was alive and comfortable, before rising from her spot on the floor. Her eyes trailed over the young woman on the armchair across from the leather sofa. The billboard outside shone hues of red on them. She had her shirt taken off, only standing there in her bra, but she didn’t care. She was stitching herself up while Claire took care of the one who needed her attention more. Eliza couldn’t have cared less.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Claire said after her first question wasn’t answered. “I can’t even wax my own legs without crying and you’re threading a needle through a stab wound on your abdomen without batting an eye. It’s…” she shook her head, “It’s insane.”

She tossed the needle back into the kidney dish. Small droplets of her blood covered her sterile fingers. She took the bandage she had prepared before and slapped it on. “Yeah, well, I’ve been doing this for a long time. Eventually, you grow numb to it,” she said.

“You shouldn’t have to though. I mean, isn’t experiencing pain what makes us human?”

“I’m not… it’s a long story.”

“I guess that’s the thing about you heroes, right? Everything’s too complicated. You don’t think anyone would understand.”

Eliza forced a smile. “Something like that, yeah.” She flinched when she got up from the armrest. The stitches began to pull and she was forced back into the reality of the situation. She woke up for the first time that night. Her mouth parted. Silently, she gasped. “Ouch!”

Claire stretched her arm out. In her hand, she was holding a small orange bottle. “Ibuprofen,” she stated. “I would offer you aspirin, but-”

“Aspirin thins the blood,” she finished. “Yeah, I know.” She switched her gaze between the nurse and the drugs in her possession. Innocent painkillers, at least to most people. Ibuprofen doesn’t tend to cause addiction without being attached to other, heavier painkillers beforehand. Still, the consumption could trigger a relapse. It still takes away the pain, only in a much different way than morphine would.

She forced her eyes away from the bottle. “I’m good, thanks.”

“You sure?” she cocked an eyebrow. “Seems like you’re in pain.”

“I’m just sore. Thanks though. I appreciate it.”

“Alright.” Claire stuffed the Ibuprofen back into her bag. “If he needs some, he’s got some pills in his medicine cabinet in the bathroom. The key’s under the soap bottle on the sink.”

Eliza looked at Matt in his bedroom. The door was open and he was snoring softly. “The medicine cabinet in the bathroom?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Thank you.”

The cold of the pack of peas nudged at her forearm. “Here,” Claire said. “Put that on your eye. It should keep the swelling down.”

“Thanks,” Eliza smiled back. It wasn’t a genuine smile, only to ease her conscience.

“You care about him, don’t you?”

“What?”

“Matt, you care about him,” she said.

“Is it that obvious?”

“I can see it in your eyes. You were scared, still are.”

“I just can’t lose him,” Eliza admitted. “Maybe that’s selfish,” she said, “but I don’t care. I’d do anything to make sure he’s okay.”

“I don’t blame you,” Claire collected the last supplies she’d scattered around the living room. “Matt is something, alright.”

She looked at his sleeping frame. “Yeah, he is.”

“I just want you to be careful. Matt’s almost like a broken vase; there’s a high chance you could cut yourself on the pieces as you try to pick him up, or simply by being around him. He might not even realize it, and by the time he finally does, you might’ve already bled out.”

The words struck a place within her she had long ignored. The place first opened after he revealed his identity to her, but his pain blinded her. She felt sorry for him; she wanted to make everything alright again just to make him smile. But the man was broken, he pushed without thinking and he was so laser-focused on pleasing his savior complex that he didn’t realize the pain he was causing to the people around him until it was inevitably too late.

Eliza liked him, she truly did, but she didn’t know if it was the right thing to let herself fall closer into his trap – she was broken too. It isn't like math, two negatives don't make a positive, and two broken parts don't necessarily make a whole. They could hold each other, but there would always come a time when either of them would hurt the other. The pain would drive a stake through their hearts, make them bleed, and then they’d run toward each other again until there was nothing left but broken bones.

It wasn’t fair. She didn’t deserve that and neither did he. They were too broken to care for someone else – to care for someone else without hurting each other. Life was cruel to them, it made them lose control. They needed to focus on themselves rather than gain feelings for another. Mental issues aren’t fixed by relationships. Mental issues will persist until they’re taken care of individually.

It’s easy to fall in a time of need, but how do you get up when all you can hold onto are the sharp ends of broken pieces?

Eliza wiped her cheeks. She straightened her shoulders. The world was frustrating and she hated it. “I know Matt’s, uh, not the easiest person to be around,” she said. “But I know what I’m getting myself into. I’m broken too and believe me, there’s plenty of space to cut yourself on my edges, too. What I think he needs is someone to stay and never leave, not even when times get rough.”

Claire shouldered her bag. “You gotta ask yourself if it’s worth it,” she said.

“I know.”

“But if you truly care about him, there’s nothing you can’t conquer. I see it in your eyes. You’re persistent. I don’t know you, but it has to be you if there’s anyone good for him.“

“I’m not so sure about good, but I think… I know that there will be pain, lots of it, and I’m not sure if what I’m doing is even the right thing, but there is something between us. I can’t ignore that, not right now. Not when I need him – when I need Daredevil – the most.”

“Well, whatever it is,” Claire said as she reached for the door, “I believe you’ll find your way.“

“Thank you, Claire. If there’s anything I can do,” she said, but the nurse interrupted her.

“There’s no need. Just make sure that he doesn’t almost die next time. I made my peace with never being involved in his drama again and I’d like to keep my distance.”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“I wish you the best of luck,” she said. “I’m sure there’s a way where all of this-“ she motioned around her, “ends well.”

Eliza gave her an appreciative nod. Claire didn’t say anything else.

The sudden loneliness made her knees tremble. She reached for the light switch, making the world disappear into the darkness and the flickering billboard outside. She stared at the colors and watched them play on her face in the reflection of the windows.

She made her way into the bathroom like she did earlier that evening. She hadn’t realized the cabinet before. When she stepped in, she looked around with a changed perception. She caught the metal cabinet almost instantly. The key was, as predicted, underneath the bottle of soap. She wondered why he kept it there. Had it been Claire’s idea or his own? She stuck it into the lock. Her fingers trembled. It had been a while since they did that. As she turned it, her stomach dropped.

“What are you doing?” she muttered.

The rational, the left side of her brain, seemed to fail miserably to answer the question. She didn’t have any self-control. The door to the land of dreams opened. Orange bottles lined the shelf. There was also nasal spray and cough syrup in the top right corner. Typical cold medication, only to use when needed. She also found a bottle of Hetlioz, but it seemed like he wasn’t taking it anymore. The medication is used to cure Non-24-Hour Sleep-Wake Disorder. She read about it the other night, after first meeting Matt at the police station. She researched the issue of blindness to understand him better and the medication popped up since Non-24 was a popular disorder among the blind. Matt seemed to have struggled with it, but since his Daredevil schedule made him lose sleep anyway - and his senses kept him awake, even with medication, she figured - he didn’t need it anymore, so he stopped taking it.

Underneath the specific medication and ordinary I’ve-got-a-virus-and-the-pharmacy-gave-me-this medication, the row of painkillers began. Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Tylenol and Advil - over the counter medication. The question was, why did he have so many painkillers on him? Then again, he was Daredevil. He religiously went out, beat up bad guys, and got stabbed at least every two days. He was probably in desperate need of relief every once in a while. She couldn’t blame him. Though when she looked deeper, she saw the lonely bottle of Codeine in the corner. She expected a lot, but not prescription medication on his shelves. He didn’t look like the type of man to go to the doctor’s office and get himself medication for whatever plagued him. Matt liked to suffer.

She took the orange bottle which the narcotic was filled into. His name was on the label. Matthew Murdock. There was no reason for the prescription on it. Maybe he had an accident once, or maybe he’d had surgery. Maybe Claire stole it from the hospital. Who knew?

“How’s your chest?” Nick Fury asked casually.

She was lying in the uncomfortable hospital bed, her body completely coated in white bandages, but she could barely feel it. “It’s fine,” she told him.

“You look better than the last time I saw you.”

“The last time you saw me, I was bleeding out.”

“Yeah. Well, you’re not anymore.”

“Obviously.”

“So, what did the doctor say? Any news on recovery?”

She shook her head. “He gave me some Oxy and told me to get a physical therapist or I might never be able to work again. But at least I got some jello.” She pointed at the small red cup on the table over her lap.

Fury nodded curtly. “I know a good physical therapist,” he said. “I’ll hire him for you as soon as you get out of here. I think it’s in both of our best interests that you can get back to work as soon as possible.”

“Thanks.” She dug into the strawberry jello. “I appreciate it.”

Before he left, he told her, as casually as possible for Nick Fury, which said a lot, “Glad you didn’t die.” And he patted her shoulder, a nice gesture. He’d never done that before.

The nice nurse taking care of her came in when he left. She was carrying the small plastic cup alongside the glass of still water.

“Time for your meds!” she chirped. “Some antibiotics, vitamins, and painkillers. How’re you feeling?”

“Better now,” she answered. “Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate it.”

“It’s my job, darling.”

She swallowed the three pills - the antibiotics and vitamins - easily, though before she inserted the Oxycodone into her mouth, she stared at the white capsule. One hand held the water while the other clutched the drug.

Sarah tilted her head. “Is there a problem?”

She was quick to shake her head. The pill tasted slightly bitter on the tip of her tongue. “All good.”

Eliza swallowed it without a second thought.

She smacked the bottle of Codeine back into the cabinet and shut the door so loudly, she was afraid she woke up the whole neighborhood. At least to her, it seemed that loud. The blood was rushing in her ears. Her fingers itched uncomfortably, still feeling the residue of the orange bottle heavy in her hands. The air weighed a ton, as did her heart.

Eliza leaned against the sink. She looked at her face in the mirror, clear as day, with the soft yellow light in the background. Her eyes were sunken, the bags dark, and the circles even darker. She had a pimple here and there, and her eyebrows had started to grow out. The peas didn’t help much to help the swelling around her eye. The skin began to discolor into a bluish-purple. Her jaw was also bruised, but the skin there turned green instead. The crack in her lip had dried blood all around it - she hadn’t washed her face yet and neither did she brush her hair. She was a dead woman walking.

She opened the tap. Cold water ran into her hands. She sprayed it on her face. The wounds burned slightly, finally being cleaned. She stared at herself again. “What is wrong with you?” she asked out loud. “What. Is. Wrong. With. You? Get it together!”

Something crashed in the bedroom next door. Quickly, she broke through the door just to see Matt thrashing around. He was awake, eyes wide open, and his breathing came labored. His hands felt around for something familiar.

Eliza sighed. “Matt!” she called his name. He didn’t hear her at first. She slowly moved to the edge of the bed. “Matt,” she said and reached out to him. He grabbed her hand, intending to push her away or fight her or both, but when he felt her pulse, he relaxed slowly.

“It’s me. I’m here. You’re okay. You’re home now.”

Matt pulled at his hair, eyes darting around the room, still frantic.

“Hey.” She touched his cheek gently. She turned his head towards her. “You’re safe, okay? I’m here."

“You’re here.” He held onto her wrists. He repeatedly stroked her pulse points as if to make sure she was still alive. A few seconds later, his hands moved to her face. He felt her up gently, checking her features, and he searched for all the injuries she might have had. He caught the split lip, and the bruise around her eye until he moved to her torso. He placed his finger over the bandage on her side. His fingers bunched the fabric of the oversized shirt - his, no doubt. She smelled like him, too.

She tilted his chin up. “Are you okay?” she asked.

He took a deep breath and nodded, “Yeah. Are you?"

“Yeah."

"Okay, good. Good,” he said.

She cradled his head as he fell into her neck. He sniffed her. If it had been anyone else, she would’ve been creeped out, possibly even disgusted, but this was Matt. He used his sense of smell as means to see the world. By smelling her, he felt like he saw her.

He wrapped his arms around her form. “You’re alive,” his nose brushed against her throat.

“I’m alive,” she said.

“I had a dream. It was s-so real.”

“If it involves you getting stabbed and then almost getting blown up in a warehouse with a Russian psychopath, I hate to break it to you, but that wasn’t a dream.”

“You died,” he said. “In my arms. I couldn't-” he grunted, "I couldn't save you."

She took his hand to place it above her heart. "Feel that? I'm alive."

He struggled to get the words into his head. For all he knew, his senses could be playing tricks on him. They did it before.

"Matthew," she called his name sternly. "I'm alive. My heart is beating. I'm okay."

"It was so real," he whispered.

"I know, but it wasn't. It was just a dream."

He exhaled. "Just a dream."

"Yeah, just a nightmare."

His muscles eased.

"You are the one who gave me a heart attack," she admitted then. "You almost died in my arms. That was real. Do me a favor," she peaked up at him, "Don't ever do that again?"

He chuckled. “Are you sure it wasn't a drea- Ah!” His hip screamed in protest and he fell back into the mattress. “Fuck!”

“You probably shouldn’t have done that.” She checked the bandage to see if anything happened, but he looked fine. “The wound was bad, but Claire stitched you up. You know, the nice nurse you told me to call because you wouldn't go to a hospital? She told me you had way worse. I think she was trying to calm me down, but it only made things worse."

He groaned as he shifted again. “Yeah, I remember.”

“Good, that means your head’s still intact. Here,” she fluffed his pillow, “Lay back down. You need sleep.”

“You too,” Matt said and he scoffed at her shocked expression. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I just asked you to kill your dog.”

“Same difference,” she said. She rose from the bed.

His arm shot out. “No.” He squeezed her forearm. “Stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You want to sleep on the couch. You don’t have to. I’ve heard it’s pretty uncomfortable.”

“From who? Other women?”

“People,” he corrected her. His eyes softened slightly. “Stay with me, please. Just for tonight? I promise I will stay on my side of the bed. I just…” He hated to say it. He didn’t even want to. “I don’t want to be alone,” finally, he admitted.

Eliza played with his t-shirt absentmindedly. He was asking her to stay. She couldn’t just lie by his side and act like the world was okay - it wasn’t. But at the same time, she was in pain and she needed to get out of her head. She needed sleep, so to say.

“Okay,” she said.

The relief washed over him like an ocean. A lonely tear escaped his eye. “Thank you.”

She walked to the other side of the bed. Her shoulders were tense, her muscles throbbing. The day spun around in her head. She hadn’t taken the time to reflect on all that happened and while she wanted to, she couldn’t bring up the strength to do so. Tears stuck to her cheeks. The second her head hit the pillows, her eyes grew heavy.

The tightrope was getting thinner and she was getting drunker. Any second and her feet would slip. The fall was several meters high and the ground at the bottom was covered in needles. Her fall would result in the return to old patterns, and she knew better than anyone that old patterns meant a definite death sentence. She knew the chances of survival this time were zero to nil.

She rolled to the side, focused on Matt. She listened to his breathing. He was alive, she had to remind herself of that. All the blood and destruction only claimed Ivan’s life. The man that mattered most was alive next to her, sleeping peacefully, and the danger was averted for the time being. She could rest.

Eliza inched closer to him. His warmth lulled her in. She placed her head just above his shoulder. He surely wouldn’t mind, she thought. As she tangled her legs with his, she reminded herself that this was home. She didn’t have anything to get back to. This was it. She had left everything else behind for this one thing, and Matt was the only constant that remained.

“Are you crying?”

She lifted her head. “No,” she lied.

“You are,” he stated.

She rolled over to the side, her back turned to him.

“Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m not.” Her sobs were stifled through the bedsheets. “Go to sleep, Matthew.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m not asking you to leave, only to sleep.”

“I can’t just lie here and listen to your sobs.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not an idiot.” She felt his hand on her back. “Tell me, what’s going on in that little head of yours?” he asked.

His gentle touch only made the tears flow faster and the sobs grow harder. “I don’t- I can’t-”

One swift motion and Matt had her turned around. She fought against him, but even injured his hold was strong, and she eventually decided it was of no use to fight him. She allowed him to curl her into his chest and simply hold her while she cried. The tears pearled off his bare chest.

“I just wish-” she was interrupted by another fit of sobs that made it hard to breathe. “I just wish he’d killed me.” It felt good to say it.

Matt cradled her head in his hand. “Shh,” he pressed his lips to her scalp, “I know.”

“I don’t want to feel that way, but I do and it’s scaring me because the last time I felt so hopeless, I didn’t care, I just-”

“You went into my medicine cabinet,” he didn’t ask.

“I’m so sorry!”

“Did you take anything?” He already knew she hadn’t.

She shook her head. “No.”

“Good. Good. I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t,” she cried, “because I shouldn’t have thought about it but I did and now I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I can’t- I can’t do this anymore, Matt. I’m so tired.”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry,” he said. He kept kissing her scalp repeatedly. “I’m so sorry. You’re gonna be okay.”

“I don’t know.”

“I do.” He shushed her again. “Just promise me you won’t open the cabinet again.”

“I won’t. I’m sorry.” Her sobs slowly turned into small hick-ups. His hand smoothed down her back to help her through it. The aftershocks wrecked her world.

Matt wiped her cheeks. “It’s okay. You okay?”

“I’m okay,” she said.

“Okay.”

Morning came too soon. Eliza barely fell into the endless spiral of sleep when soft sun rays kissed her awake rather roughly. Of course, Matt wouldn’t need blinds to cover his windows. He could sleep soundly with the brightest of lights, and Eliza understood that but she wasn’t an early bird and she certainly hated getting out of bed, especially when she didn’t wake up on her account. She got really grumpy and even Matt’s blindness didn’t matter at that moment because goddamnit, she’d slept so peacefully.

She opened her eyes to the weight on her chest. Sometime during the night, he must’ve escaped his side of the bed, replacing the mattress with her chest. His large frame covered her body almost entirely. Eliza scratched her nails along his scalp. He was deep in slumber. She almost cursed herself for choosing to push him off of her.

Matt didn’t seem to mind though. He rolled over with a pained groan, hugging one of the blue silk pillows close to his chest and that was it. He slept like a baby. She still pulled the blanket further up his body.

Eliza lifted herself off the mattress. The stitches on her side pulled with every move she made. She suppressed the groan that threatened to escape. The pain was nasty, but she had worse. She forced herself out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where she downed at least two cups of water before the burning in her chest subsided.

There was a strange pressure behind her eyes. It pulled at her scalp, her temples, and even her sinuses. She pinched her nose, searching for some kind of relief. Her first guess was stress headache. Her entire body was sore in one way or another, this could just be her muscles seeking revenge for the rough handling in the past couple of days. Her mental breakdown hadn’t been much of a help either. Her eyes were swollen and she looked, quite frankly, high as fuck, although she wasn’t. She was glad she wasn’t, that she put the bottle down and admitted it to Matt. God knows what would’ve happened if she followed through with it. She was angry at herself for even letting it get this far.

She scoffed. “Guess we’re weaker than we thought,” she thought. She did it out loud, whyever that was.

Eliza checked her new phone. There was nothing on it, but she had to follow her habits as if nothing happened. She opened the search bar to type in two words. As soon as she did, several sites popped up. She went straight to Google Maps.

Addicts Anonymous. Hell’s Kitchen, NYC, 900m from your current location. Starts at 12 pm.

The pain hit her like a freight train. A sharp knife drilled straight through her skull. It seeped through every bone in her head, she even felt it on her lips. She heard every sound in close vicinity to the apartment complex. Cars honking, people laughing, loud shouting over the many tourists scouting the city. Like an alarm, the high-pitched ringing shot through her ears out of nothing at all. It just appeared and it made sure to cause damage. She tried to massage her head, but the second she lifted her hand, her entire body went stiff.

Her eyes rolled into the back of her head. She was back there again, in the red wasteland of her imagination. She stood in the middle of the desert. The pain was only a mild throbbing in the back of her head. She stared at the space before her, confused and scared. Yes, Eliza was scared, something she would never admit proudly.

In the smoke, a figure began to emerge. She changed her stance, fists clenched at the sides. If she was going to be attacked in her mind, she might as well try to fight it. For all she knew, she was simply hallucinating. This could be just a migraine, she figured. With her powers, everything was possible.

The figure became clearer. “Who are you?” she asked. She was surprised her voice even sounded in the place of nothingness. The smoke parted. White peaked through the red. A white dress, small feet, even smaller frame. It was a child, a girl, barely seven. She stared up at her through hooded eyes, hair standing wildly in all directions.

"You should have known you'd eventually meet me back here," the voice came from behind her. She twirled around to see the same face that haunted her at the compound.

Eliza switched her eyes between the little girl and the personification of her own evil thoughts. Her doppelganger walked up to her younger self, the suit she wore a mixture of black and red with a torn-apart cape.

She sighed. "But you hate to listen, don't you?"

“They’re coming for us,” the little girl’s voice was dooming.

"See? It had to come down to this. Bringing therapy metaphors to life."

Eliza took a deep breath. "Is this real?" she asked and pointed at the girl.

Her reflection shrugged. "What isn't? You know," she said, "every time you use the word reality, I start to think you might have finally started to remember, and yet every time, I'm disappointed. Honestly, if you hadn't ignored the truth right in front of your eyes for so long, I wouldn't have had to come here. But here we are! Weird, isn't it?"

The circles around her eyes were black and blue. With her skin as pale as the night, fake Eliza looked anything but healthy, and neither did it look like her. She couldn't remember a time when she carried such a dead look in her eyes, evil etched into her features. The woman in front of her was made out of black morals while hers were mildly grey, at best.

She started to pace the floor, drawing circles around her. The girl stood rooted to her spot. It seemed like the taller one was in control of her. She was in control of everything.

"The device was good, I have to give Ivan that," she said, "but you saw what happened. There is nothing that can cage the kind of power you have. Well, we have. I sometimes forget I'm not just some random stranger. My bad." Her laugh sounded manic, and it echoed in the void space.

“Wh- what are you even talking about?" Eliza asked.

"Do you like our new look?" she retorted instead.

"What?"

"I went for crazy bimbo at a funeral. You know, considering Eliza might die soon. Hopefully, before they get the chance to kidnap us, I'm not picky."

Third-person point of view. This was slowly starting to freak her out. "I'm not gonna die."

"You're not. Eliza is. Are you even listening?"

She threw her hands up, groaning loudly. "Who even are you?"

The woman sighed in response. "Here's where it gets complicated..."

"How so? It's not like you've been messing with my head the past twenty-four hours."

"The problem is I can't tell you without you figuring out yourself," she explained. "I don't have a hand in this. I can only stand by and act ominous, waiting for you to come around so we can finally worry about what's really going on with you. It's not like Hydra is the only reason you're changing right now."

"What?" Eliza couldn't follow. She tried to, but her mind blocked out any viable thoughts. She was an idiot in her own head. The other side of her was just toying with her. She had to be going insane. Perhaps she was suffering from a psychosis of some kind. Or she was on drugs and didn't even know it.

The fake rolled her eyes. "You're not high," she said.

"How did you even-"

"Did you miss the part where I said that I am you?"

"Yeah, right, because any of this makes absolute sense. Like, what's that kid doing here?" She pointed at the girl. "She doesn't even fit in."

"Nothing fits in here," she said.

"You certainly don't."

"I'm the most fitting thing in this place and that says a lot."

"Okay," Eliza waved her off with an exasperated sigh. "Get to the point, me!"

The fake snapped her fingers. She wasn't really fake, but she surely wasn't real, so any other word would have been useless to describe her.

The little girl snapped out of her trance. She repeated her previous words. "They're coming for us," she said.

"Who’s coming?” Eliza questioned.

“There’s something in us. Something they want. You can’t let them win. Don’t let them win!”

“You mean Hydra?”

The girl tilted her head. “They’re all coming,” she clarified.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" the fake Eliza seemed to have just as much of an impatience problem as the real one. She placed a hand on the girl's head. "She's boring me." With one push, she had her falling through the smoke and beyond the secret world, she had built for herself. It was just the two of them now.

Eliza cocked an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Hydra's coming," she stated. "And they're coming for you, which also entails me because I'm the one who has to keep saving your ass."

What was happening? This wasn't her. Couldn't be. Though the way she used the words with sarcasm reminded her so much of what she heard come out of her mouth on the daily. It was strange, terrifying even.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked, breathlessly.

“I just want to go home." Something human glistened in her eyes.

Eliza wondered, “Home where?”

The next event was a bit of a blur. Eliza stared at the hand as it wrapped around her wrist. The fake's eyes began to glow with the familiar shade of crimson. It was like she was staring right into a mirror. And it wasn't just a threatening feeling this time. This was real, as real as it could possibly get.

Smoke danced around the air, but it was clearer, more dominant, and almost sluggish looking. It crawled its way out of her body and wrapped around Eliza’s limbs. She tried to return to her consciousness, but the foreign substance shot into her chest, right through her heart. Her chest bloomed with new life.

The power she felt was surreal. Her body was on fire and yet she needed more heat. She wanted to burn even brighter. Eliza gasped loudly. Her body slouched. The slug disappeared and she was left empty, shaking. She was on her knees then, alone in the wasteland of her creation. She caught herself on one hand, almost elegantly.

“What was that?” she called out.

“Power,” the fake told her.

“What did you just do to me?” Eliza frantically touched her body up and down, but everything was where it needed to be. “What was that? Oh, my God!”

“Your mind has been closed for so long, you don’t even know who you are. You're finally starting to see, but it's taking far too long. We're in danger, alright? Terrible, terrible danger and there is little we can do as useless as we are without you discovering your true potential."

Now it was getting kind of personal.

“They want us and they know who we are,” she urged. “Your mind is finally starting to open, but they want to use us. We can’t let them use us. The fate of the universe is at stake.”

She seemed to disappear with the growing storm of red sand. Her eyes stayed the same color, boring into her own with such intensity, she could only return the favor.

“What?” Eliza asked. “You haven’t even told me what this is!”

“Figure it out,” was all she said before she disappeared completely.

One last shot of sharp pain and she was back in Matt’s kitchen, sweating, panting, and on fire. The glass slipped from her fingers. She didn’t have the time to react, the glass just crashed against the floor. The sound knocked her back into reality, but not without leaving her confused and speechless.

“Shit!” she cursed at the mess she made.

I won't be able to stick around much longer.

She tilted her head at the broken glass on the kitchen floor. The water was running in her direction. Small whispers broke out of prison. She couldn’t tell what they were saying or if they were even real, but she felt compelled to try something.

Eliza lifted her hand slowly. The shards slowly came back together. They fit together like puzzle pieces. She did a damn good job for someone who hated puzzles. With the glass, the water formed a small lake before making its way back to where it came from. She watched in awe as the red smoke crossed like the curtain before a screen - she thought about putting the glass back together and in an instant, it was back on the counter. Her bare feet were no longer standing in tap water but rather on the cold kitchen tiles.

Somehow it seemed real but also it didn’t. She felt like a stranger in her own body, an alien on earth. She touched the glass, careful as ever. There were no cracks, no glue residue, nothing out of the ordinary other than the fact the glass that had been broken only seconds ago was no longer making a mess on Matt’s floor. She didn’t turn back time, that was for sure. The coffee machine was still running. If she had turned back time, the cup would’ve been empty. She changed something else. It was like she changed reality. She didn’t use telepathy to put the glass back together, she didn’t even touch it. She single-handedly changed what happened to fit her view of the world better, only with the power of her mind and an outstretched arm.

Her knuckles tightened around the glass. Why she did it, she couldn’t figure out, but as fast as they had closed around it, her fingers opened and the glass slid back out. Once again, it shattered on the floor, and it was loud, louder than the first time. She flinched. The water splattered on her toes.

Why did you do that?

“What the-” Eliza pulled out the paper towels in a frenzy. She saw her reflection in one of the tiles. “What is happening to me?” she wondered. The reflection cocked her head. The same black, veiny eyes stared back at her, just without the smoke surrounding them this time, and she also didn't seem to be backing her into a corner. She was trapped behind the tiles.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were going slightly insane. But since I do know better, I think you know what you have to do.

“What are you doing?” Matt’s morning voice was still groggy.

Her head shot up. She couldn’t explain it, could she? Perhaps she was insane. It certainly felt that way. She looked up from the compromising position. Her reflection was gone. Somehow she always disappeared whenever she wasn't alone anymore, especially in Matt's presence.

Was fake Eliza afraid of him?

No. He's just really doing it for us.

She turned with a slight frown. The voice was most definitely back in her head, still daunting, still knowing better than her.

“You shouldn’t be standing up,” Eliza stated. She kept her voice steady, attempting not to arouse too much suspicion. She could easily blame it on health issues, the way her heart was bouncing, and she would find an excuse for the monologuing too.

Matt stood in the doorway, hand pressed to his several injuries. “I’m fine,” he lied. ���What’s wrong? I heard the glass shatter.”

Glass, singular. He only heard the first one.

“Nothing, I’m just clumsy.“

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not- I just had a headache, that’s all. I might have taken it a bit too far yesterday," she said.

"Yeah, you might have."

"Trust me, I'm cursing myself for it plenty, you can get in line. What you doing up anyway?" She furrowed her eyebrows at him. He shivered under her intense glare. "You should lie back down, Matt, before you pop your stitches.”

He made his way from the door towards the sofa. One of his sweaters was draped over the back. “I can handle it,” he said.

Eliza huffed. She knew there was nothing she could do to change his mind. “You want any coffee?” she asked instead.

“Coffee would be great.”

“Okay, but you gotta sit down.”

“Fine,” he sighed.

She had already made acquaintance with his coffee machine, so it took only a couple of tries until she managed to get two piping cups of coffee out of it. She sat down next to him. Matt sipped the caffeine – he was surprised she remembered how he liked his coffee. The liquid parted slightly at his breathing pattern. Eliza seemed to have the same thing on her mind for she placed her cup down at the same time he did.

“About last night-“ they stared at each other, the words coming out in unison.

He cocked his head and she laughed. His lip twitched into a smile at the shyness of it.

“Sorry,” she said.

“You go first-“ again, they spoke at the same time.

Matt laughed, too, this time. “Please,” he said.

Eliza pulled one knee up to her chest, the coffee warming her cold hands. She looked at the man across from her – they were oddly in synch. Not that she minded. The experience was entirely new. As someone who had gotten used to being alone, being abandoned, and being the second choice, always, she didn’t have many stories that went the same. She still had to get used to being so excruciatingly open.

“About last night,” she began, this time without interruptions. “I’m sorry how it went down.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “You gotta stop saying that every time something goes wrong.”

“But it’s true! If I hadn’t pushed us to go in there, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“It would’ve happened, either way, Eliza. You know that.”

“Jesus!” She threw her head back. “I know, it’s just… I’m trying to find an explanation and this one makes the most sense to me. I’m going crazy here. Last night- I was so incredibly triggered. If I don’t explain what happened with something that makes sense to me, I think I’m gonna throw up and die.”

He pouted.

“Anyway. They - the press - are saying it was a gas leak,” she stated.

“I know, I can hear my neighbors downstairs listening to the news,” Matt said. “But wait, can we talk about what else happened last night-”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she blocked him.

“Eliza, you almost-”

“I don’t want to talk about it!”

He sighed. He fell silent until he found something to say. “Do you have meetings you go to?”

“God!” she groaned. “What do you not understand about what I just said?” she asked him. “Why do you have to keep pushing it?”

She was being unfair, but defensive people mostly are.

“This is not something you should ignore,” he shot back.

“I’m not ignoring, I’m delaying dealing with it.”

“You wanted to hurt yourself.”

“Yes,” she said, “I wanted to. Now I don’t. Case closed. Is that enough for you or do you need that in handwriting?”

Matt lifted his shoulders, hands above them. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It’s your life,” he said.

“Exactly.”

“But I meant it when I said I won’t watch you get hurt.”

“And you won't have to.” She shrugged. “I’m fine. I just need to find these people and bring them to justice. Can we focus on that, please? Just for today?”

“Of course,” he smiled.

Eliza got up. She took his empty cup and her own and traveled back to the kitchen. She stepped over the spot where the broken glass had just been, trying not to cut her feet open. “This is what Hydra wants,” she said as she poured them another. “They want us to lose ourselves. We can’t let that happen.”

Ivan’s words nagged her. Everything about the situation felt wrong. She couldn’t explain it, the sensation bubbled deep in her stomach and made her throat dry. “Ivan knew what he was doing,” she said more to herself, but this was Matt she was talking to. He caught onto her words.

“Who was he, exactly?” he asked.

“A power-hungry Hydra soldier who always wanted to be the best. Back then, I was still in his way, but after I was gone, he could easily climb the ladder.”

“Was what he said true?”

She had been waiting for the dreaded question.

“Partially,” she said.

“How so?”

“I killed the diplomat’s daughter, yes, but when I did, I was her age. And no, I didn’t enjoy it. At that moment, I was focused on what Hydra wanted. I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t in control.” She didn’t dare to look at him. “I killed her. She died because of me, but everything else, especially the reason for why I did that, is on Hydra. I’m not like them, not anymore.”

His words nudged her, “I believed him for a second, but then I heard your heartbeat and I knew it wasn’t true. I know you, and the Eliza I know would never intentionally hurt a child.”

“I, myself, was a child,” she whispered.

“I know. You didn’t do it for you, you did it because they wanted you to. These are two entirely different things.”

“Yeah,” she slid the fresh cup of coffee over to him, “Ivan gets in your head easily though. I wouldn’t have blamed you for still believing him.”

Matt chuckled. “He’s not as good as you think he is.”

“Not everyone is a human lie detector.”

“They should be,” it was a joke. She snorted. “At least you can laugh again. It’s nice,” he said.

“I just- this doesn’t feel right,” Eliza admitted. “I know Ivan. This isn’t his MO. Other operatives, yes, but not Ivan. He wouldn’t make a sacrifice like that without a plan. I mean, they found bodies but who’s to say he didn’t make it out?”

“Eliza,” his lip twisted into an amused smile, “The entire warehouse blew up. I don’t think anyone survived that.”

“Just because he held the box doesn’t mean he died. I looked into it, there wasn’t a bomb when I first checked.”

Matt raised his eyebrows. “You think he switched them out?” he asked. His fists tightened around the porcelain cup.

“What other explanation is there? Ivan’s always been so adamant about being the man on the top, of surpassing everyone. Why would he kill himself? Just because of the serum? No, he wouldn’t do that. I don’t think he would. From what you heard, do you think he would?”

“I honestly don’t know."

“None of what happened last night makes sense. Why would they be so careless? If this was the last bit of the serum they had left, they would’ve been smarter than that. The bomb I get, Hydra has done this many times before, but the sacrifices? Something isn’t right.”

“Maybe they wanted us to believe that we got onto them.” He reached for her hand. “All cards on the table. Now.”

Are you going to tell him or are you going to chicken out, like you always do?

Her heart fluttered. “What?” She wasn't sure who she was talking to.

“You were talking about someone," Matt prompted.

“No," she was deep enough in denial to forget the name whenever she wanted to, and she wasn't going to put it at risk.

Eliza got up as fast as she could. Matt’s arm hit the table. He sighed in defeat, or was it exhaustion? She wasn’t sure.

“If you know who’s behind all of this,” he said.

“I don’t!” the words came harsh. “I don’t know who’s behind this. I don’t even know what they want. It’s Hydra, they’re as unpredictable as they come.”

“You were talking about a man, with Ivan. The one who told them to kidnap you. I think I know who it is, judging by the way your heartbeat just picked up. It did the same the night you told me about your past. I know we’re talking about the same man, but I need you to open up to me.”

“What does it matter?” she asked.

“Maybe we can find a connection-“

“He doesn’t exist! No one knows who he is. He’s a ghost, okay? Even if I told you his name, it wouldn’t help us much. For all I know, he’s dead somewhere. I hope he is. If he’s alive… I don’t want to think about it. God!” She pressed her palms into her eye sockets. “Stop making me think about it!“

“Sweetheart,” his gaze softened.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sweetheart,” Matt said again, and her body shook with tremors he could’ve heard without even trying. “Talk to me, please.”

“I can’t,“ the breath got caught in her throat.

Tears welled up in her eyes. The world turned into a threatening box again. She hid behind her hands, but the demons were already in her head and she couldn’t escape their gigantic claws as they sucked the life out of her.

Coward.

“Every time I think about his face,” she choked out, “I remember everything he did to me. It makes me sick. He makes me sick. I just want to scrub his dirty hands off my body.”

Matt wanted nothing more than to get up and catch her in his arms. She tried so hard to keep the tears at bay, afraid to be weak, afraid to cry again, but her body had other plans. He wanted to wrap her in cotton until he had made the world whole again, only so she wouldn’t have to cry anymore. She was like this broken thing he felt responsible for, and while that was wrong thinking, he couldn’t help the way he felt. His heart ached.

“Can you come here?” he asked.

Eliza shook her head. “No,” her voice cracked.

“Okay.”

That seemed to confuse her. “Okay?”

“Yeah, you expect me to force you?” Matt caught onto even the smallest change in her behavior. It didn’t take long for him to piece the puzzle together. “He forced you to do things you didn’t want to do,” he realized. “Did he- did he touch you?” His stomach churned at the idea alone.

“Matt,” she begged.

“I just want to understand.”

“I don’t know what to say. He- after SHIELD finished with my interrogation and got all the information they needed – and it wasn’t much because while I do remember his torture, I don’t remember the details – I swore never to say his name again."

Eliza shuddered. This time, the tremors stemmed straight from anger. “He thought he had this sadistic claim over me,” she admitted. “Sometimes I was his daughter, other times, his plaything. He made me,” she scoffed. “He shaped me in any way he saw fit and every time I disobeyed even in the slightest, he punished me. He conditioned me to follow his every demand and I did, just like that. I would’ve worshipped at his fucking feet if it meant I’d get his gratitude. I was his favorite child because I was proof he achieved something no one did before and I guess I just needed someone to love me, so I accepted every piece of affection I was offered, as twisted as it was. I let him touch me because I knew it would give me the recognition I wanted.”

He looked away. The brown of his eyes was so much darker. He pursed his lips, sucked them in, then released them again. His fists clenched in his lap. She couldn’t read him.

“He didn’t rape me if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said.

Matt shook his head. He still refused to look at her. She was slowly growing anxious.

“He just… sometimes, he would lie with me. He would, like, stroke my back and- and he really liked to watch my thighs when I was wearing something short. He liked to make me put my hair up and wear make-up so I could put on a show for him. Did you know I used to dance ballet?” Once again, he didn’t move. “Well, he liked to watch me dance, and whenever I did what he wanted, I’d get a reward. But he never raped me. I don’t- at least I don’t think it’s called rape when something like this happens.”

“Did he touch you?” he asked. His voice vibrated deep in his chest.

“Yeah.”

“Did he touch you somewhere you wouldn’t let a random man touch you?”

“I-” she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Did he get off on it?”

“Sometimes he would… but he didn’t- he never- no, he never raped me.”

He nodded knowingly, still looking anywhere but at her. “Did he ask for consent?”

“No.”

“Then he sexually assaulted you, Eliza.”

She realized why he wasn’t looking at her then.

“Doesn’t matter if he- it’s still sexual assault when someone inappropriately touches you without your consent, especially when he gets off on it.”

“Matt,” she called softly.

The only reason why he wasn’t looking at her was the fact he was crying. He didn’t want her to see the tears staining his cheeks, nor did he want her to catch the angry look on his face. She squeezed her lips shut. He was crying because of the things she said and it made her feel so endlessly guilty.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I didn’t mean to-”

“Stop,” he cut in. “Just stop apologizing. None of this was your fault, so it doesn’t need an apology.” Finally, he turned back to her. “You didn’t deserve this.” He cracked. “You didn’t deserve any of this. God, I’m so sorry!”

She sat down in the chair next to him. His hand trembled when he wiped his cheeks. The sobs turned into silent groans at the back of his throat.

“No one should be allowed to touch you without your consent. No one should- he should have never used your body for his pleasure.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. If I ever see him,” he said and his eyes found a spot just below her ear, “I’m going to kill him.”

Eliza ran a hand through his hair. “No, you won’t,” she said. “You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re Matt Murdock and you’re better than this.”

He had his index finger under her chin. Had they been this close before? He used the rough calluses of his fingers to guide her head a little further up and to the side. He was searching for her eyes with his - the unseeing gaze went anywhere but where he wanted them to, but that was okay. Eventually, they landed on her lips. She couldn’t help but stare back. His scent invaded her senses. The disinfectant from the night before was thick in the air, but he still smelled like sandalwood and rain and him. His natural scent was indescribable.

If you had told Eliza at the beginning of the year that she would end up like this, she would’ve declared you crazy. She was prone to taking risks, but she was also careful around strangers. Daredevil was, essentially, a stranger. He wasn't in her usual crowd. She didn’t hang with vigilantes. She never really hung with anyone other than the Avengers. And the men she had spent time with in the past were nowhere near as sincere as Matt Murdock. He set out to steal her heart from the beginning and he was starting to succeed.

She never saw herself in a situation like this, but she had imagined it a couple of times before.

Eliza stared at his lips. He licked over them. She couldn’t stop, she was getting closer by the second, but at this point, she didn’t care. They were both addicted to something, although different kinds of substances, and since neither of them could get their fix, they chose to fall into each other. It was human nature. And this time, they refused to refuse each other this sweet moment of relief.

She wasn’t sure who decided to close the gap. Perhaps it was the both of them. When their lips collided for the first time, she forgot how to breathe. It was gentle at first. They barely touched, but she felt him and he felt her, and she could taste the coffee they shared only moments before.

He listened to her heart for an answer. It jumped. She was waiting for him to make the next move.

He dove in with more pressure the second time. This one was certainly more passionate than the first. The millions of butterflies flew out of their cages in her stomach and fluttered to her heart where they began to build their nest.

Eliza grabbed his cheeks eagerly. She wanted to drown in him. He felt so good and tasted even better. They became one. His lips were soft and the way they moved against hers in the perfect rhythm had her seeing stars. She was an addict; the first taste had her longing for more. She needed more.

Matt moved his finger from under her chin and instead grabbed her face in his. The other stayed just below her neck, his fingers hot yet cold against her shivering skin. She had goosebumps everywhere, even places she hadn’t fathomed as possible. The man wasn’t human. He felt like heaven and tasted sweet as hell. He was the apple Eve stole from the tree, the snake that tempted her, and the Devil that corrupted her. Matt was Eliza’s temptation. The second she gave in, she was doomed, but in the most beautiful sense possible.

The pair breathed heavily between wet, messy kisses. She had her hand tangled in his chestnut hair, pushing him further against her lips. He melted into her.

When her breath ran out, she moved back slightly. Her eyes remained closed, lids way too heavy to open them. Matt sought her out. His lips traveled aimlessly until they found her cheek and he kept kissing there while she tried to breathe. She couldn’t.

His thumb traced her bottom lip. He parted them slowly. She was terrible at taking hints, but this one seemed clear as day. Her tongue darted out. The tip of his thumb pressed down on it, testing the waters, and in an instant, she sucked him in. He moved back in surprise, only so his lips were no longer attached to her skin. He grumbled a string of curses, tongue circling around his digit. Her mouth was so warm and her spit so wet against his heated skin, he felt the desperate need to shove it further down her throat. But he didn’t.

She released his finger with a sinfully wet sound.

“What are we doing?” she asked.

He could have asked her what she was doing, but his brain wasn’t quite connected to the language center of his brain and so all that came out was an incoherent sound.

As an answer, he pressed his swollen, plump lips back to hers. Their teeth clashed. His tongue darted out to force her lips apart, and she let him. Her own fought back against him, neither of them wanting to give in. In the end, he won, and he explored her mouth like Indiana Jones on a mission.

He was way too good at that. The way he guided her face, his tongue in her mouth, and his lips moving against hers in such a beautiful rhythm, made her moan into the kiss. She was embarrassed. A simple kiss wasn’t supposed to rile her up like this, though Matt Murdock seemed to be doing it for her. He took her breath and he stole her heart.

Matt broke the kiss first. His forehead fell against her nose. Eliza was late to catch her breath.

“Foggy,” he breathed.

She only slowly blinked back to life. “What?” she said.

The knocking repeated itself, steadily growing noisier. “It’s Foggy,” he said.

“Matt, I know you’re in there!” the man’s voice yelled from the outside of the apartment. “Come on, open the door! I need to talk to you.”

He pressed another kiss to her forehead. “Hide.”

“Excuse me?” She frowned at him.

“You need to hide. Go into the bedroom and close the door.”

“What the-“ they had just kissed and he was trying to hide her like a teenage boy whose parents had just gotten home early, “Matt.” He shoved her into his bedroom. She stumbled over her own feet, onto the bed and the silk sheets. She stared at him, still shocked about the sudden change of events. Her body was still aching from the kiss, and that was when she realized he could tell. He made sure to linger his fingers a few seconds too long because he knew.

He tucked at her arm, pulling her into his chest. His heart was hammering underneath his skin. He kissed her again. She had to lift herself up a little to reach him and he helped her by slinging his arm around her waist. She had nowhere to go. His palm was pressed between her shoulder blades. The knocking continued, but Matt stayed unbothered. He reveled in the feeling of her against him, the sensation of her mouth dancing against his, and the way her heart beat fast against his.

He pulled back when the yelling started to hurt his ears. She stumbled out of his bruising grasp. Her legs turned to jelly. She could barely stand on her own. Their fingers stayed intertwined as he stepped away, and only slowly did they part ways. It was their middle fingers that held them together the longest, but then he was suddenly too far away and she lost her hold on him.

She was met with the milky glass of his bedroom door. Foggy wasn’t supposed to see them together. He would’ve asked questions and then he would’ve been involved and Matt wanted to prevent that. One less person to worry about. And he loved Foggy, so to keep him out of the line of fire was something he had dedicated his life to when he became Daredevil. Didn’t work so well for the most part, but he was trying and that was admirable, even though sometimes, he used the wrong means to make sure he was alright.

Eliza pressed her ear to the door. Of course, she wanted to know what was happening. She wasn’t the good girl some might think she was. She needed to know more about Foggy’s sudden appearance.

“Hey man,” she heard him say, followed by loud footsteps. “What took you so long?”

“I was looking for a shirt,” Matt said. He was quick on his feet with the lies. Remarkable.

It was silent for a moment. “You went out Daredevil-ing again,” he stated. The disappointment in his voice was clear, yet the worry was heavier.

Matt didn’t speak and Foggy accepted his silence as an answer. “Did you get hurt again?”

Once again, no answer.

“Jesus, Matt!”

Eliza had no idea why she felt guilty for Matt’s inability to tell his friend the truth, but she did. It irked her a little because this, for a change, wasn’t her fault.

“Is it bad?” Foggy asked. “Is that why you won’t answer your phone?”

Her eyes fell on the device next to the bed. His phone was on the nightstand, but it wasn’t plugged in. She checked. The battery was dead.

“My battery died,” she heard Matt say. At least that wasn’t a lie.

“Sure it did after you went out beating up bad guys!”

“Foggy, please-”

“You know that I get a heart attack every time you don’t answer your phone after a night out? I always expect to find you half-dead again.”

“I’m fine,” he insisted.

Foggy scoffed. “Are you? I mean, have you checked the time?”

“The time?” She only imagined Matt frowning. “What time is it?”

Eliza peaked at the alarm clock. How was it twelve already?

“You didn’t show up to work,” he said. “And you didn’t answer your phone. I thought something happened to you, Matt! I was worried sick. What happened?”

“It’s-” he took a deep breath, “It’s complicated. You just have to trust me, Fog. Everything’s fine.”

“Well, I don’t trust you! And I don’t believe you either. Not when I can see the blood on the floor and that there is an obviously female shadow behind your fucking bedroom door.”

She looked up. Shit.

“So either you did some really kinky shit last night or you were involved in that gas leak that blew up a warehouse at the docks.”

There was no way Matt could smart his way out of that one. Their cover was blown and they didn’t even do anything. Foggy appeared to be better at this than first expected.

“If it’s not true,” he continued, “Then you won’t mind if I just check your bedroom, huh?”

“Foggy,” Matt warned.

“Don’t ‘Foggy’ me! I barely even know you anymore. I thought we were friends.” His steps came closer as did the silhouette she caught through the door. “Friends don’t lie to each other, Matt! I’m tired of being excluded from your life every time you get yourself in trouble. I told you, we either do this together or not at all. And if that means exposing your lies to force you to tell me the whole story, I fucking will!”

He pushed the door open so hard, the hinges creaked.

“Who do you have in- WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“Listen,” Eliza said, standing at the foot of the bed, and her hands fidgeted awkwardly in front of her body, “I can explain.”

But instead of listening to the pathetic classic line people tend to use whenever something goes wrong and they’re not sure what to say to prevent a catastrophe – and this went wrong plenty – Foggy shut the door right in her face.

“Fuck.”

Fuck, indeed.

[nancyxthompsons]

The Bonfire

Who: Nancy Thompson, @nicolepeterson​, @rickyxthompson​, @mattswheeler​, @harrison-j-lee​, @bradylevitt​

Location: Harrison’s place and later Nancy’s

Date: March 31st to April 2nd, 2023

Summary: Brady Levitt hosts a bonfire at the beach down from Harrison Lee’s place in honor of the tree that fell on his store, but Ricky’s recent relapse comes to a head.

Notes: This was written on Discord so we could have it ready to post. Italics was written by Jennie while normal is written by Kayla.

Triggers: Drug use, addiction, rehab mention, drinking, pregnancy

Ricky didn't take anything the day of the bonfire. The idea of being high around his mom or Nicole didn't set well with him because he knew they would both be disappointed in him. He didn't even really want to go but he couldn't think of a valid reason not to be. He didn't think that he would already be feeling withdrawals but things weren't good between him and Nicole and he wouldn't be surprised if they were done after this. Not to mention the last place he wanted to be was Harrison's house. He had Huey with him when he parked his car. He wasn't sure if everyone was going to be inside the house or already at the beach so he went to the front door and knocked. When Harrison answered he already felt tense. "Hey, Ricky." the man said and bent down to pet Huey when the pug ran to him. "Come on in. Everyone is at the lake. I just came to grab the portable barbecue." Harrison closed the door once Ricky stepped inside. "Listen, I wanted to tell you. This house is going to be your mom's, so that means it's yours too. You're always welcome here, Ricky." Ricky knew he was trying to be nice but he maintained his passive aggressive silence. "So, help yourself to whatever you need. Maybe you can help me carry some stuff." he said. Ricky moved to the man's mini bar when he disappeared into his shop and took a small bottle of liquor. "Don't mind if I do," he muttered. If he couldn't get high tonight, he was going to drink. "Is my mom here?" Ricky called to Harrison. "Yeah, she's down by the water. I think Matt and a few others are there too." he answered. Ricky walked out the back door opening the bottle he had taken and took a long drink before he walked down the hill towards the lake.

Nicole wasn't sure if this was a good idea as she parked her car and saw the smoke coming down from the water. She wanted to be here to support Matt and the burning of the tree that caused his injury and while Ricky had said he wanted her there, after the weird texts he sent on the night they were supposed to have a date and only vague words after, she wasn't sure if he still wanted her there. Plus, she wasn't sure if she could be there and keep in the fact she was pregnant. Neena was the only one who knew and she was going to tell Ricky the night of their date, but she hadn't had a chance. She took a deep breath as she turned off the car and headed down the path towards the beach; looking for her boyfriend the second she saw people. Was he even there? Maybe he was sick and was at home. The blonde put on a smile as she saw Matt coming towards her and hugged him back as he hugged her. "Hey! Glad you made it. I figured you and Ricky would've came together." Matt said and she just shrugged. "I was finishing up some editing and I told him I'd just meet him here." She lied to him, but she didn't know what else to say. She didn't want anyone knowing things weren't the best. "Is he here yet?" She asked and looked around for him and Matt shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't... Oh, there he is." He said and pointed to him walking down the path. Matt walked over to him ahead of her and she felt her stomach turn. Please not now, she thought to herself as she went up to her boyfriend, the father of her child and smiled. "Hey, man. You ready to have some fun?" Matt asked with a grin on his face while Nicole gave him a small wave. "Hey, Ricky."

Ricky had mixed emotions when he saw that his girlfriend was actually there. He was happy to see her as had been weeks, but surprised she had showed up at all and worried about how this night was going to go and whether or not he could keep it together. He was out of pills and he hadn't been buying any cocaine, but did a few lines with his drug dealer usually when he went to pick them up. He knew it was for the better. He needed to stop before it was too late but something told him he was going to regret not buying more tonight. He smiled and playfully embraced his girlfriend when he saw her. "Hey, you. You made it." he paused kissing her lips and addressed Matt. "Yeah, fun." He muttered taking another long gulp from his open bottle of liquor and then held it in front of Nicole. "Want a drink?" he asked.

"I told you I would." She said and kissed him back, tasting the liquor in his lips and she scrunched her nose for a moment after pulling back. The taste made her stomach flip again and she started begging in her head for it to calm down. "Are you feeling better?" She asked and looked him over while Matt gave him a confused look. "Were you sick?" He asked his friend, trying to think of when Ricky was sick on lately. The question made Nicole curious what was going on and she waited for Ricky to answer. As he held out the bottle, she smelled the alcohol and she scrunched her nose again. "No. I... I'm not..." She wasn't sure how to say she couldn't drink. There would be question and she didn't want that right now. "I'll wait a bit." She said and forced a smile while she shifted on her feet.

Ricky noticed her reaction to their kiss and was going to ask what was wrong when she asked him about when he was 'sick'. His heart jumped a little with panic. "Oh...yeah. I wasn't feeling good for a day or two. But I'm fine now." he answered. He watched her react strangely again when he offered her a drink. "Are you feeling okay?" he questioned knowing she had mentioned she was sick a while ago. "Well, how about we go sit by the fire?" he asked pulling her by her hand to one of the logs that Harrison used as a bench. There was a stack of wood in box near by. "I guess this is the tree?" he said grabbing a piece to throw on the fire. He still didn't want to think about that night, as this was what had seemed to be the start of his problems.

"Oh. Didn't know that." Matt said and it made Nicole curious. "I'm glad you're doing better, but I'll let you lovebirds talk." He said and walked away. Part of Nicole wished that he would stay, but her attention turned to Ricky. "I'm feeling a little nauseous, but nothing to worry about. I must've had something bad to eat earlier." She lied more before nodding. "Sounds good." She smiled and let him lead her to a log. She sat down and watched as he threw a piece of wood in the fire. "I think so." She said and watched him for a moment. "If it's too much for you, we can leave." She knew that night was hard on him too and she wanted to make sure he was okay. "We can go to my place and relax. Or yours." And maybe in private she could tell him he was going to be a father.

"Yeah. You don't remember?" Ricky looked at his friend pretending to be confused, but he was starting to feel anxious that Matt was going to say something that was going to force him to come out with the truth, which was partly why he wanted to go somewhere away from him. "Yeah. We'll catch up with you later, man." he told Matt. He threw the piece of wood into the fire and sat down on the log taking another drink. He looked at his girlfriend. It was becoming increasingly hard to act like he was fine with all of this. "Are you sure?" he questioned when she suggested it was some bad food. It had been a while that she was not feeling well now. "Maybe you should see a doctor or something." he suggested and shrugged. "We could, if you're not feeling well. But maybe we should stay for a bit at least, make our rounds, you know?" He knew that Brady had been excited about this, as had Matt.

"Probably slipped my mind. The pain meds." Matt said, but stared at Ricky for a moment. "Yeah. I'll see you later." He waved and walked away. Nicole took a deep breath and waited a moment before releasing the breath. She worried she wouldn't be able to hold it back for much longer, but maybe if she just talked and got her mind off it, it'd stop. "Yeah. My dad brought by something my brother made and it probably wasn't good." She let out a little laugh and hoped he believed her. "I have an appointment Wednesday as a check up so I'll mention it." Another lie. She had an OBGYN appointment and she wanted him there. But how was she supposed to ask? "Yeah. I'll be fine. I'll get some water from the cooler. It'll pass." She promised him. Her eyes looked around to see if anyone could hear them before she looked at him and played with her hands. "Actually, I..." Her sentence was cut off as Nancy appeared and smiled at them. "Hey, you two. Matt said you both were here. Did you get food? Something to drink? We have soda, water, some drinks. Harrison should be cooking soon, but there's chips and stuff to hold you over if you need something now."

Ricky shot Matt a cold look as he walked away wondering if he was bringing up the pain meds because of their argument about them the other day. He was starting to worry that Matt knew something he wasn't saying. Maybe everybody did, or maybe that was just the drugs messing with his head. The longer he stayed here the more he felt like he needed some, but he tried to just focus on Nicole instead and appreciate their time together. "Oh. Yeah, that'll do it." he smiled softly and nodded. "Okay. Hopefully its nothing." he told her. "I can get you some water." he told her and was going to stand when she started to say something, but Nancy had come over. Ricky had gone back to mostly ignoring his mother since their talk the other day. Only talking enough so that she wouldn't suspect something was going on. He let out a sigh and rolled her eyes when she interrupted them. "Mom." he said in a stern tone. "Can you give us a minute? We're talking."

It was moments like this that really had Nicole confused. She didn't understand how when they were together, he was the Ricky she knew. He was nice and took care of her and cared for her, but when they parted, he avoided her and avoided them getting together again. She felt crazy for wondering what was going on and unsure if she was just reading too much into things, but it wasn't like it was before. She swallowed as he said that what she had was hopefully nothing. Unfortunately, it was something. "Yeah. Hopefully." She repeated and nodded as he offered her water. Nicole watched how he talked to his mother and she raised an eyebrow in shock; looking at Nancy who looked at her and then her son. "It's fine, Ricky." She said and touched his hand. Nancy, however, shook her head and smiled at Nicole. "It's okay. I shouldn't have interrupted." The older woman didn't want to argue in front of the younger one, but she made a mental note to talk to her son later. "Just don't leave without talking to me." She said towards him and she walked away. Nicole looked at her boyfriend and her face was confused. "What was that? What's going on with your mom? You didn't tell me the other day."

Ricky watched their interaction as his mom apologized but sighed when she said she wanted to talk to him later. Or rather, lecture him, probably. This was why he had been avoiding her. He shook his head when Nicole asked what was going on. "It's nothing. I'm sorry for that." he squeezed her hand. He took another drink seeing his bottle was getting low already. "She's uh...she's moving. She's gonna live here, with Harrison." he explained. He was worried she would think it was stupid of him to be as upset about it as he was. He shrugged. "But it's fine. I'm... probably going to find my own place." He knew that asking to live with her was off the table probably. At least right now. Maybe if he could manage to salvage things. He put a hand on her knee. "I'll get you a drink, okay? Maybe a ginger ale. I'll be back."  When he stood, he felt the effects of the alcohol he had been drinking faster than he had realized. He finished off what was in his bottle and opened the cooler, taking a beer, forgetting for a moment about Nicole's drink. Brady suddenly came over placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, Tanthor the Brave." the man grinned using Ricky's 'game name'. "You missed our campaign the other day. What happened?" Normally Ricky would be glad to see Brady, but he was just another person who he felt like he had to hide things from. He was his boss, after all. "Oh. I wasn't feeling good." he told the man. "How's your baby?" he asked, hoping to change the subject. "Well, he's with Maggie's brother and dad for a couple hours. We might have to bail early. We've never left him before." He tried to listen as Brady talked about the store reopening but his mind was all over the place. He excused himself and went down by the water to be alone for a bit, and have a cigarette somewhere where the smoke wouldn't bother anyone.

"It didn't seem like nothing." She countered and squeezed hi hands back. "Come on, talk to me." She said, and then he said that his mom was moving in with Harrison and she just watched him. "Is that a bad thing? They seem happy." She said and rubbed his hand before nodding. She wanted to suggest that he could live with her, but would he want to be with her once he found out about the baby? "What's she going to do with the house?" She asked curiously, but he touched her knee and got up to get her something to drink. She sat there for a moment and watched Brady talk with Ricky when Matt came back and sat by her. "So, how was your date?" Matt asked and she creased her eyebrows. "What do you mean? He was sick. He didn't show up." Nicole said and she watched Matt sit up a little. "Oh. That was that night." He said and swallowed. He didn't want to worry Nicole, but he was now curious what was going on with his best friend. "I didn't realize." His eyes moved to Ricky and he stood up. "I'm gonna go talk to him for a second." He said and walked away from Nicole before joining Ricky by the water. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Ricky hadn't wanted to get into the stuff with his mom and Harrison with Nicole. That wasn't the only thing bothering him right now but just thinking about it made him think it was a bad idea for him to be here. He gulped down half of his beer just wanting something that would make him forget about everything. His mom. His problems with Nicole. The accident with the store and the one that still haunted him  five years later. He lit a cigarette and began to wonder if he could find an excuse to leave long enough to meet his dealer. He knew that was a bad idea but so was this. Matt's voice startled him and he jumped a little before facing him. "What?" he asked.

"Why did you lie to Nicole?" Matt said and looked at Ricky. "You weren't sick the night you guys had a date. You haven't been sick at all." He didn't want to accuse him of anything, but he knew something was going on. He was gone a lot and Matt didn't want to get into the missing pills from his bottle. Not yet. He just wanted to see if his best friend would talk to him. "You borrowed money to go out with her that night. Your mom told me. Where did you go?"

Ricky looked at Matt feeling a sense of panic rising in his chest. But he was also annoyed that he was doing this now. They had already talked about the pills and Ricky had gotten upset. "What? dude.. you really wanna do this now?" He stared at him before taking a drag of his cigarette. "I didn't lie to her. And its none of your business if I did, anyways." He told him growing more worried when he asked about the money. "What does it matter if I did? We didn't end up going, okay? I didn't spend the money." He shook his head. "What has gotten into you lately, man? Asking me all this shit like you're the god damn chief of police or something. What is it you think I'm doing exactly? You think I want to go back to jail?" Ricky questioned. He stepped past him giving him a bit of a shove as he did. "Just leave me alone, Matt. Worry about yourself."

He sighed and clenched his jaw for a moment while Ricky got upset at him. "I'm just curious. I didn't tell her, alright?" He said and nodded his head in disbelief as he talked. "You did lie to her. You weren't sick that night. You weren't even home." He argued back. "It matters because she looks worried, Ricky. She looks scared and you can't even see that." He said and rolled his eyes. "You didn't end up going because you lied to her." He repeated before sighing angrily. "I'm just concerned about you. I know you don't want to end up back in jail, but I also know how you were before and you're acting just like that guy." Matt said and as Ricky shoved him a little, he winced as it moved his body weird and irritated his scar. "Hey." Nancy said as she came over to them. "What's going on with you two? Matt, you okay?" She asked and he nodded. "I'm fine." He said and she looked at her son. "I don't know what's going on, but you need to stop this attitude of yours. I know you're upset about me moving, but you could talk to me about it and not act like we're all against you."

He stared hard at Matt trying his best to keep his cool but the more he talked the more he felt like he was going to explode. He needed to get out of here. It didn't help when Matt said that Nicole was scared. It just made him feel like shit. "I'm not acting like anything, Matt. I'm just pissed off that you and everybody else wont leave me alone. Why do you all do this to me? I'm not a fucking child. I'm just trying to live my life and it keeps getting fucked up." His voice was getting louder and he didn't care who heard him. "None of you fucking cared before, when I was in jail. Why are you suddenly so interested?" He let out a breath when his mom came over and shook his head. "Where's Huey? I'm leaving. I don't need this shit." He started walking away looking around for his dog. He finished his beer and didn't know if he was even in the state to drive right now. He spotted the dog near Harrison and called Huey as he approached. The anger pounding in his head suddenly focused on his moms boyfriend. "Its okay, you can have my dog." He said to him. "You already took my mom from me. You want my girlfriend too while you're at it? I heard you like younger women" Harrison just looked at him, too stunned to speak.

"We're concerned about you. You've been like this since my accident. You are blaming yourself and it wasn't your fault. I'm the one who told you to go. It was my fault, okay?" He said, trying to make his friend feel better in any way. "We did too. We've always cared. I've always cared." He knew he didn't reach out when he was in jail, but Nancy said it was for the best. He had believed her, but now he was unsure if it had done any good at all. "No. You're not going anywhere." Nancy said back and followed him as he went to look for his dog and she stopped as he got to Harrison and threw his anger at him. Nicole came up and mouth dropped a little before she turned and got sick into the garbage can nearby. Matt went to her to see if she was okay and Nancy took a deep breath. "That's enough!" She yelled and she grabbed her son's arm. "You are not going anywhere, do you hear me? You're too out of it and you're going to cause a wreck." She let go of him. "Go up to the house and lay down. There's plenty of rooms and you can find one to calm down in. Go. Now." She said forcefully before she moved to Matt and Nicole. "Are you feeling alright? You can go lay down too, if you need to. Don't feel like you have to go in the same room as him. He needs to calm down." Nancy hated the woman was mixed up in this and hoped it didn't ruin anything for her son by seeing him this way. "I-I'm okay. I just need water." She said and moved towards the coolers. "Mom, I think he's using again." Matt said softly to her and swallowed. "I've found some of my pain pills missing and he... He lied to Nicole about the date. I don't know what he spent the money you gave him on, but he's not..." Nancy smiled and touched his hand. "I know, Matt. I'll worry about it later, okay?"

Ricky turned to his mom as she started yelling and pulled free from her grasp on his arm. He didn't really notice Nicole throwing up with everything else going on but he became vaguely aware of the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over the party after his outburst. He opened his mouth to argue when his mom told him to go inside but he knew she was right. He couldn't drive right now. The last thing he needed was to get into another accident or cause one. Without a word he stormed back up to the house. Brady approached Nancy, concerned about Ricky. "Nance, is everything alright?" he asked. He had wanted this to be a celebration to move on from that night. It had undoubtedly effected him, having to find Matt like that and his store in ruins. It had effected Matt too so he thought this was a positive thing for all of them, but obviously there was more going on with Ricky.

Nancy took a deep breath after everything and turned to Brady as he asked if everything was alright. She knew that he wanted it to be a good night and she hated that her son had acted this way. "It'll be okay. I'm sorry he's acting this way." She apologized to him. "We can continue this. He'll calm down up there and it'll be okay. He just needs some time away." She was unsure if she was saying it to him anymore or to herself. She was more than worried now, but wanted to keep a brave face on for those around her. She knew Matt was worried and she didn't want to worry Nicole more and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin this for Brady. She just wanted her son okay.

Brady was willing to end the party if he had to, if people weren't having a good time because of everything that was going on. He nodded when Nancy reassured him. "Yeah. He'll be fine." he agreed. As time went on things seemed to pick up again with everyone at the party. Meanwhile Ricky had gone into the house. He laid down to rest on the couch for a while trying to ignore his cravings for something stronger than alcohol but he was starting to feel more paranoid about what Matt had asked him and about how this was going to effect Nicole when things were already rocky between them.  He just didn't want to be there anymore. He felt like it was a bad idea for him to come in the first place. Maybe later he would call Nicole and apologize for all of this but he sat up and sent a text to his dealer instead. He had a little bit of money left and he knew once he had a hit this would all disappear for a while. He told them he had no car right now and asked them to pick him up on the road near Harrison's house. He watched the party from the back window while he waited. Nobody would notice he was gone, at least he hoped not. When he got another text saying they were close by he left the house to search for the car, and got in once they slowed down next to him.

Nicole had gotten a water bottle out of the cooler and rinsed her mouth before taking a few drinks. She sat down by the fire and took a deep breath to calm herself down. She felt better now that she had gotten sick, but she hated she had done it in front of everyone. She heard someone by her and looked up to see Matt. "You okay?" He asked and she nodded. "Yeah. I think it's just everything going on. I'll be okay." She smiled at him. Matt nodded and sat down. "Don't mind Ricky. He's not acting like himself." He tried telling her and she sighed. "What's going on with him?" The boy let out a sigh. "I'm not sure, but we'll worry about. It's okay." He assured her. Nancy was watching them talk from afar and she turned to Harrison. "Matt said he thinks Ricky's using again. He found his pills missing." She said and sighed. "I can't go through him like this again, Harrison. I thought he was doing better."

Harrison had felt uneasy since Ricky's outburst, as it had been directed towards him. Up until now he thought that things were fine between him and Ricky  but this made him worry. He didn't want for things to have to end between him and Nancy because her son was unhappy with them being together. He looked at his girlfriend when she spoke. "That would make sense. I didn't realize that he thought those things about me." he said. He put an arm around her trying to comfort her. "If he is, then he needs help. Probably more than you or anyone here can give him." he said. He knew that deep down Ricky was a good kid but he recognized the anger he seemed to have as he had once been in the same place. "Maybe someone should check on him." he looked up at his house. Ricky's car was still there and Huey hadn't left Harrison's side since he had went inside, but he had a strange feeling.

Nancy took a deep breath and looked at him. "Hey, he doesn't, okay? Don't believe him when he's like this. He says a lot of things." She assured him and leaned against him as he comforted her. "I know. I just don't think he's going to listen to me. He'll think I'm turning against him." She looked down and wished this whole thing was easier than it was. "Yeah. I can go up the house." She said as Matt and Nicole appeared. "We can check. I was going to show Nicole where the bathroom was anyways." Matt suggested and Nancy smiled. "If you both are sure. Nicole, how are you feeling?" She asked. "Better. I just want to wash my face." She said with a smile. The two walked up to the house and Matt called out for Ricky after showing Nicole where the bathroom was. However, he couldn't find him and the two searched all over, but he wasn't there. The two came back down and approached Nancy and Harrison. "He's not up there. We looked all over."

Harrison nodded, wanting to believe her.  "Maybe it really bothers him that you're going to be living here." he said. He had extended the invite to Ricky to move in as well, but he didn't know what more he could do to make him feel okay with it. He rubbed her back. "I know. It's wouldn't be easy but if he is, then we need to do something before its too late." Harrison knew what it was like to rely on substances to escape from emotions over certain things. It had been easy to do when he was younger. He nodded when Matt and Nicole offered to check on Ricky. He knew that he was probably the last person he wanted to see and he may not respond favorably to Nancy right now either.  He guided Nancy to sit down near the fire while they waited. When they returned a moment later and said he wasn't there he frowned. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I'll go check. Maybe he just went into the basement or something" He knew his house better than anyone so he went to it and checked every room. He grabbed a flash light and looked around outside in his yard and where everyone had parked thinking that he may have just went outside to smoke or something. He returned back to the beach and let out a sigh when he approached Nancy shaking his head. "He's not there. I checked outside and everything. But his car is still here, and so is Huey. He could have gone into the woods." he said but knew that would mean there was a possibility he could be hurt if he had fallen or something. "Has anyone tried calling him?" he asked. "If he doesn't answer, we might have to start spreading out and looking."

She took a deep breath. "I think it does, but that's just one of the many things going on." Nancy didn't want him to think it was the only thing happening. She knew her son had been upset for a while now and anything could've added to that. She sat at the fire while Nicole and Matt went to look, but the second they came back and said he wasn't there, she stood and looked at them. "What do you mean?" She said and Harrison was quick to go up and look himself. She hoped that he would find him, but she did try calling Ricky while Harrison was gone. By the time the man got back, she had called a few times with no luck and Matt started calling too. "He's not answered any of us. What if he's hurt and fell somewhere?" Nancy said as she started panicking.

He put his hand on Nancy's shoulder knowing she was going to worry. "We'll find him. Don't worry. The neighbors houses aren't that far from here, so he couldn't have gotten far." he tried to assure her but it seemed very odd from him to have left without telling anyone. He wanted to believe there was a logical explanation. Maybe he had just gone out for some fresh air and wasn't far from the house, but if that wasn't the case than this was concerning. "If we don't find him, I guess we'll have to call the police." Harrison said.

"He could get lost or fall into the lake." Nancy said, worried about what had happened to her nephew. Nicole started trying to call Ricky as well as she started getting nervous and Matt took a deep breath. "I can start looking in the woods or something." He suggested and Nicole sighed. "I couldn't get ahold of him." Matt rubbed her arm. "Let me try again." He said while Nancy started walking around, calling out her son's name. Matt dialed Ricky again and let it ring.

Ricky wasn't sure how long ago it was that he had left the party. He had somehow found himself at a "better" party, or what he would consider better at the time. At least nobody there was angry or worried about him. He was at one of the night clubs down town, where he and his former dealer use to hang out before Ricky went to jail. It was a good way for him to score the drugs he so desperately needed right now. He didn't really care where he had to go as long as he got them. He also knew that going home tonight was out of the question. He'd sooner sleep on a park bench than go home to face his family when he was like this. He was considerably out of it when his phone went off and could barely hear it from all the noise. He had stepped outside to smoke and saw the missed calls from Nicole, his mom, and Matt. All people he just wanted to avoid right now. He definitely wasn't going to talk to them on the phone in the state he was in. He sent a text to Matt after letting his call go to voicemail. "Tell my mom to stop freaking out I just need some time alone. I'm hanging out with my real friends. I'm fine."  after he hit send, he turned it on silent and went back inside.

Matt was just about to tell Nancy that Ricky didn't answer once again, but his phone dinged and he looked to see a text from him. He didn't even respond back, knowing this wasn't Ricky who was talking to him, and he went over to Nancy. "He's okay." He said and she turned to look at him with panic in her eyes. "You talked to him?" She asked and Matt shook his head. "He texted me. He said he's hanging out with some friends. He didn't tell me where or anything, but he's okay." Well, as okay as he was going to be right now. Relief went over Nancy and she sat down by the fire. "Thanks, Matt." She said and just put her head in her hands for a moment.

Harrison let out a sigh when Matt told then he got a text from Ricky. He knew what it probably meant when Matt said he was with "friends" and he was sure Nancy did too. He put her hand on her back. "At least we know he's okay. He'll come home I'm sure." he tried to assure her. "Why don't you go back to your place and wait for him? I'll come over once the party dies down." He said knowing it had been an emotional night and she would probably rather be home.

Nancy took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay." She said and stood up before looking at Matt. "You want to come with?" She asked him, but he shook his head. "I'll make sure Nicole gets home okay since she's not feeling well. Maybe talk to her about what's going on." He suggested and she smiled at him. "Alright. I can pick you up later if you need." Nancy offered before kissing Harrison goodbye and heading home to Maple Hills to wait for Ricky to come home.

** TIME JUMP **

It was starting to get light out when Ricky woke up on some musky smelling mattress, but he had no idea what time or even what day it was. His stomach felt sick. His head felt groggy and yet awake at the same time. When he sat up the dizziness overcame him and he had to run to the bathroom and throw up. It took him a few minutes to realize that he was in a hotel. One of the cheap ones that had a bad reputation down town. There was evidence that his friends had been here, but no one else was in the room. There were empty liquor bottles, pills and powder all over the table. He couldn't seem to get his heart to calm down but his body felt like it needed more sleep. He glanced at his phone trying to focus. He had so many missed calls and texts from his mom, his sister, and Matt. Evidently he had been here for a day and it was 6am but he wasn't sure if this was accurate. He knew he had no car, but he was going to have to make his way home. If he didn't they were going to call the cops and have him put in jail again. That was exactly what they wanted, he reasoned. To lock him up again. He had screwed up big time this time, he was too much for them to handle. He saw some money next to the drugs on the table and took some of it. Just enough to get home. He was going to have to go there to pack, then he was going to have to get out of town before they locked him up again. He managed to get an uber ride. When the car arrived, the driver made him feel nervous, although he didn't really talk at all. His head kept darting around looking out the windows as he fidgeted and muttered to himself until he finally started to recognize his neighborhood. He paid the driver and went to his front door. He didn't even consider what he as going to do if someone was home. His hand felt around in the darkness and turned on the light switch before he went into the kitchen.

Nancy thought she was doing feeling like this. She thought she was done worrying about where her son was and what he was doing out there. She thought they were done with the drugs and Ricky was starting a new, better path. And yet, here they were again. She had barely slept and didn't go to the bar. She stayed by the phone in case there was a call and stayed at her house. She knew Matt had gone out looking for her son, but there was no such luck. Even Renee called around, but there was no word. She knew her son would come home eventually, she just didn't know when or in what state. She had gotten up when the sun did and left Harrison sleeping in the bed. She walked down the stairs and started making a pot of coffee when the light came on and she turned to see Ricky standing there. "Ricky." She said softly as she crossed the kitchen, pulling him into a hug for a moment before she moved back and looked at him. "Where the hell have you been? We've been looking for you." She eyed him up and down. "You look like shit. Still high or did you sleep it off?"

Ricky was not prepared to face his mom right now. His heart jumped when she appeared but it didn't come down and felt like it was going to fly out of his chest. He stared at her as she came to him and hugged him. "I was....I.." he stammered when she asked where he was. "I just needed to be alone for a while." he wasn't angry like he was when he left the party. He was just scared and confused more than anything. He frowned at her question not really sure the answer himself. He did feel like he was coming off of whatever he had taken but it was going to be a long time before it wore off. He was surprised he was still alive with how much he did. "What are you talking about? I'm not...I didn't do anything. I'm just tired, Mom." his hands were shaking as he reached for the back of a chair to steady himself. He sat down and then stood up again quickly, feeling uncomfortable being here. He took a deep breath. "Mom, I'm...I think I'm going to have to go away for a while. Or for good, I don't know. Like maybe I'll find a place out of the city or something. My own place.'" he tried to explain though his thoughts weren't making much sense even to him.

"But you weren't alone, were you?" She said and looked at him, but could never meet his eyes. She knew her worrying was for something and here it was. He was lying to her again. He was clearly on something and he could barely speak or keep straight thoughts. "Don't you lie to me." She said quietly, but sternly. "You took Matt's pills, you spent money that was supposed to be a date for you and Nicole on whatever it is you bought, and look at you now. You can't even stand straight, Ricky." She swallowed before shaking her head. "You're right. You are going to have to go away for a while, but don't you think it's to some apartment in whatever city to get high again." She grabbed the brochure off the counter and pressed it hard against his chest. It was for the rehab clinic in town. "You're going here."

Ricky couldn't make eye contact with her right now. This was probably the worst thing that could be happening right now. He had been so scared in the beginning that he was going to get caught. He kept telling himself if he only took a little bit, it would be fine. Nobody would notice. Now he was beyond the point of being able to hide it. "I was." he responded and shook his head when she started on her accusations. "No. No. I did not take Matt's pills, Mom." his voice was angry but he was trembling with panic. "Matt miscounted them and he blamed it on me. He's trying to get me in trouble. You're all trying to get me in trouble.." he muttered.  He ran his hand through his hair nervously. "I'll give you the money back. I needed it, but not for what you think." he went on. He finally looked at her growing more confused when she said he was going away and shoved something at him. He couldn't comprehend what the brochure was for. He shook his head quickly and threw the brochure down. "No! You...you're just trying to get rid of me. You just wanna send me away again, is that it? You want me locked up." tears welled in his eyes and he took a breath letting out a sob. "You just wanna send me away." he repeated burying his head in his hands.

She sighed as he talked, but she stayed calm. Yelling was not the way to do this. He was going to get upset, she knew that, but she needed to be firm and gentle while getting him to understand this was what he needed to do. "Matt didn't miscount, honey. We both know that. No one is getting you into trouble. You're not in trouble." Nancy's voice was soft and she looked at him. "What did you need it for?" She asked, trying to see if her son would tell her that, but she knew exactly what it was for. She watched as he looked at the brochure and then threw it down. "Ricky, if I was trying to send you away, I'd let the cops know what you did and get you arrested again. But that's what's going to happen if you don't go. Or worse, you could die." She had tears in her own eyes now and she reached out to touch his arm. "This isn't far away and I'll visit you every day that I can. This isn't going to be like it was when you were in jail. You just need to do this, baby. You need to get help."

Ricky shrugged when she asked what the money was for. "I just did. I just needed it. I don't have any money right now." he told her. Maybe that had been his intention, to ask for money so that he could patch things up with Nicole but that was ruined now. He didn't expect her to want to be with him now. If she saw him in the state he was in she probably wouldn't want anything to do with him, and he couldn't blame her. He tried to listen as she assured him that he wasn't going to jail. He continued to sob and shake his head unable to look at her. "No...no, I don't want to go away." he said. Her final words registered somehow in the part of his mind that was coming down from the high. The sober version of himself that had become lost for a while now. He nodded slowly. "I do. I need help." he took a breath and looked up at her, tears still falling down his face. "I don't wanna be like this anymore. I'm sorry."

"Tell me what it was for." She asked softly. She knew what it was for. She knew more than well, but she wanted him to say it. She wanted him to admit what was going on because she knew that was going to be the first part of this. It broke her heart as he sobbed and she wanted to hold him. She just needed him to realize this was for the best. "You won't be. You'll be in East Haven, okay? You'll have us all there supporting you." She said and watched him before he nodded. Relief filled her as he finally said he needed help. She wrapped him into a hug and held him close to her. "It's okay, honey. It'll be okay." She said and kissed his head softly. "We'll get through this."

Ricky knew that she knew the truth. She may not have known everything, but the way he had acted at the party the other night made it obvious. He didn't want to have to say it to her. He rubbed his hair and his face nervously, unable to look at her. "I...I've been... taking Xynax." he said in small voice. "I thought I needed it because I was depressed. And it just led to other things. Adderall, and coke." he let out a shaky breath feeling the remorse fall over him as he buried his head and cried. He found it hard right now to believe that anyone; Matt, Renee, Nicole, would offer their support. He didn't deserve it after the way he had lied to them and treated them. Especially Nicole. He broke down when she put her arms around him, sobbing and shaking for a while. When he caught his breath he was able to speak. "When...when do I have to go?" he asked her. He hated this. He hated that it had come down to this. He wiped his face on his sleeve and looked at his mom. "Will you tell Nicole that I'm sorry? If you see her again. I doubt that I will."

She felt weak as he told her what he was taken. She hated that he was feeling depressed and didn't talk to her. She hated hearing it all. It took all her strength to stay standing. She needed to be strong for him. She held him close as he sobbed into her and she was glad that he saw he needed help. She looked into his eyes and touched his cheek, wiping some of his tears away. "We can go later, if you want. Let you shower, I can fix some breakfast, you can pack, maybe sleep. But you have to stay here, okay? I'll drive you myself." She said before taking a deep breath. "I'll tell her, but honey, that girl loves you. She's asked every day if you were home yet. You're going to be seeing her again, okay? And you can make amends then." She said and rubbed his shoulders. "Why don't you give me your phone and your keys and you go shower. I'll get breakfast ready."

Ricky looked at her with worried eyes. "Today?" he wasn't expecting it to be so soon. But he knew that if they put it off he might not go. He was scared, and not just because of the drugs. Tomorrow he would wake up in a new place full of strangers. He was scared that even if he went through with this it wasn't going to fix him. Jail hadn't even fixed him. It put a lump in his throat when she said that Nicole loved him. He didn't know how she possibly could after what he had put her through. "Okay.. Tell Matt I'm sorry, too." He might see Matt before he left, but he wanted to tell her just in case. He reached for his mom's hand as tears filled his eyes again. "And I'm sorry to you, Mom. I really am." he let out a breath. "I really screwed up this time." he said and shook his head. "I'm not hungry right now. But I'll shower, and sleep for a while." It might be the last time he had the opportunity to do these things in the peace of his own home for a while. He handed her his keys and his phone.

She sighed and nodded. "I think the sooner, the better." She said and touched his cheek. Nancy knew it'd be better for him to go soon, but granted him some time to rest after everything he just went through. "I'll tell him too." She promised him. Her heart broke as he took her hand and said his apologies to her as he cried. Tears built up in her eyes and she started crying as well. "It's  okay. I know you've been through a lot." She said and wiped his tears. "You're going to get better. I promise." She kissed his cheek. "Okay. If you change your mind, let me know." She said and took his phone and keys. "I love you, Ricky."

[spectralarrovv]

danganronpa posting in 2022 is insane i have no excuse

[moonlightxandxroses]

😶 and my muse will confess to something they wish they didn’t do that affected your muse (Matt/Seven)

A heavy sigh.

"...Man, I hate talking about regrets. I have so many... Listen, Matt was -- is -- a good kid, alright? I'm just happy to see him doing well. I wish I didn't have to lie or, fuckin', hide who I am but I'm also not about to trigger him or make him relapse or remind him about his past... So... Yeah, I kind of have to start over with him and that's shitty.

Like, I know I'm a shitty person but my cognizance doesn't always make it easier. More often than not I just feel bad, man. Probably not normal, huh? To just feel bad?"

[bloodofthefates]

x. headcanons

Despite her parents running a diner her entire life, Karen can in fact only make the dishes her grandmother taught her to make. Kevin exiled her from the kitchen early on which is how she ended up taking over the front of house responsibilities. As an adult, Karen relies on take-out menus and can manage to piece together meal kits but prefers eating out or ordering in. 

Karen was and will always be an addict. Though she may be in recovery at times or for long periods of time, this is still a part of who she is at her core. In times of stress or great emotional disturbance, it is likely much harder for her to resist the temptation of relapse. Losing Matt and Foggy as her main support system with the dissolution of Nelson & Murdock was a lot more triggering for her as well as taking on the high stress job as a reporter at the Bulletin. I am very open to exploring Karen’s addiction (and/or subsequent relapses) though I would prefer to plot darker/triggering content beforehand. If any of my followers need specific related content to be tagged accordingly or a certain way, please reach out to me through a private message so I can do that for you!  

Karen is a proponent of concealed carry even before the events of Season 1; however, after the frame job by Union Allied Construction, Karen vowed to never be anyone’s victim again and does always carry some form of self-protection. She keeps a pistol in her purse on her person at all times admissible; a glass breaking instrument & pepper spray more accessible on her keys or in hand when walking by herself. The only times she would be without these items is if they were confiscated by security in the courthouse or when interviewing high profile potential targets (i.e. Russo’s team when she speaks to Senator Ori in The Punisher) or if otherwise plotted why she would not have them with her or inaccessible. 

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

Hey dude, you okay?

:’) HI LOVE!!! <3 <3 <3 Yeah, I’m okay!!! Been feeling a bit discouraged with life lately + haven’t been sleeping well + been super dysphoric, but I’m fine (and trying to get my sleep cycle back on track again lmao pray for me.) All in all just kind of run of the mill stuff I’ve dealt with before and will get through again!! <3 <3 <3

ANYWAY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ANON, THANK YOU FOR ASKIN AND I HOPE YOU’RE OKAY AND THAT YOU’RE HAVING A FANTASTIC DAY/NIGHT!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, May 10

You can buy a brand new copy of this issue without the mailing label for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Prince Charles orders Prince Harry to divorce Meghan Markle

Page 2: In a sniveling fit of pique, scorned Alex Rodriguez has trashed former fiancee Jennifer Lopez as a dud in the sack and A-Rod is moaning J. Lo drove him to chase excitement elsewhere because she couldn't keep up with his sex demands and Alex is defending his piggish behavior by saying Jennifer pushed him into it and their spark died long ago, and they were barely intimate for the best part of a year before calling it quits -- Jennifer would pack on the PDA for the cameras, but the moment they were in private she pushed Alex away and even made him sleep in a separate bedroom and he says it was like dating an ice queen and pities the next guy she ropes in -- Jennifer thought she and Alex had a pretty good connection during their happier times, even though she'd likely admit things really petered out toward the end when the lack of trust set in so it will sting her that he's trashing her skills in the bedroom

Page 4: Robert De Niro is getting pummeled by estranged wife Grace Hightower's free-spending ways and his bitter spouse is intent on taking the aging legend for every penny as their nasty divorce drags on -- Robert's lawyers argued in court that greedy Grace's extravagant lifestyle has forced him to take every job he can snag, causing the 77-year-old to toil 12-hour days, six days a week and what's more, Robert's Nobu restaurant business has hit hard times and his tax bills to Uncle Sam are piling up but he is reportedly worth a whopping $500 million, and Grace's lawyers have countered he's pleading poverty but regularly charters a helicopter to Sunday brunch, a charge denied by his lawyer and her attorneys also claimed Robert frequently flies to Florida on a private plane and spends millions and millions on himself -- meanwhile, Robert's relationship with 66-year-old Grace has taken such a nosedive, she's spending frivolously just to punish him and she's walked into a shop a spent $80,000 in 15 minutes and she will go on vacations to the Bahamas, stop at the duty-free store and pay four times the price of what things usually cost and she has more wigs than Imelda Marcos had shoes -- Robert met Grace in 1987 when she was working as a waitress in London, and they married a decade later but they split in 1999 then reconciled and renewed their vows in 2004 before finally calling it quits in 2018 -- De Niro has forked over as much as $375,000 a month to his spouse since their split and the financially squeezed star may resort to doing product endorsements just to pay the bills -- under the terms of the couple's prenuptial agreement, once Grace and Robert are finally divorced, she's allowed a $6 million home, $500,000 cash and $1 million in annual alimony, but her lawyers have argued she should be entitled to half his fortune

* Nearly two years after Hayden Panettiere accused ex-boyfriend Brian Hickerson of brutally attacking her, the bully was sentenced to serve time in Los Angeles after he pleaded no contest to two felony counts of injuring a spouse or girlfriend, and the remaining charges of battery, assault with a deadly weapon and dissuading a witness were dismissed and he was hit with 45 days behind bars and four years' probation but he'll get credit for 12 days served -- he's done his own damage and will pay a permanent price for it -- meanwhile, Hayden is now in a great place in her life

Page 5: Danny Masterson has dragged Leah Remini into his rape case, claiming her docuseries Scientology and Its Aftermath influenced his alleged victims to file police reports against him -- former Scientologist Leah offered the women inducements and benefits to report Masterson to cops, his lawyer Tom Mesereau told a L.A. criminal court -- Danny, a 45-year-old Scientologist and That '70s Show alum, has pleaded not guilty to charges he raped three women in separate incidents between 2001 and 2003 -- Mesereau also called an LAPD detective who worked a second job as security for Leah a double agent and questioned how a 2000 police report made by one alleged victim went missing, but Deputy District Attorney Reinhold Mueller dismissed Mesereau's double agent claims as hyperbole and said the defense got a copy of the missing report and Mesereau's request to push back Masterson's preliminary hearing, a Scientology delay tactic, was also rejected

Page 6: Kelly Osbourne's shocking relapse after nearly four years of sobriety occurred amid intense family drama for the former reality show clan -- Kelly's mom Sharon Osbourne's exit from The Talk amid racism claims by co-hosts and dad Ozzy Osbourne's struggles with crippling Parkinson's disease and excruciating nerve damage frazzled her and she confessed she relapsed and she's not proud of it, but she's back on track and she's truly learned that it is just one day at a time -- her parents' problems weighed heavily on 36-year-old Kelly, who first struggled with substance abuse in her teens, and there's no doubt her mother's scandalous exit from The Talk played a big role as Kelly was crushed over the beating Sharon took in the press and retired rocker Ozzy's relentless suffering also pains Kelly and throw in brother Jack Osbourne's progressive MS and she's dealing with a lot

Page 7: Distressed Dolly Parton is ready to stage an all-star country intervention for her party-hearty goddaughter Miley Cyrus after recent photos of the troubled wild child swilling booze triggered alarm bells for Miley's family members and inner circle, including Dolly who has acted as a mentor to Miley and Dolly has always fussed over Miley like a mother hen and she's worried Miley is going to throw away her career and her life -- 75-year-old Dolly is so concerned about 28-year-old Miley that she's talked about reaching out to other country icons to arrange a meeting with the former Disney child star and help her consider her options and Dolly wants to enlist women she knows Miley truly admires, like Reba McEntire and Loretta Lynn, and organize a sit-down and Dolly knows if Miley hears from legends who achieved so much in the music industry, she's likely to understand any mistakes she makes now can affect her life forever -- every time Dolly thinks Miley's got her demons beat, she hears of another slip-up, so she feels like it's time to take action and Miley's parents Billy Ray Cyrus and Tish Cyrus, who are good pals of Dolly, are thankful for Dolly's concern because Billy Ray and Tish have tried talking to Miley, but she tunes her parents out and they agree their daughter is more likely to respond to Dolly and her legendary friends

* Angelina Jolie blamed her ugly divorce with Brad Pitt for dashing her dreams to direct movies -- she and Brad split in 2016 and the two have been locked in a mudslinging legal slugfest ever since -- Angie says she love directing, but she had a change in her family situation that's not made it possible for her to direct for a few years and Angie, who last directed 2017's First They Killed My Father, said she needed to just do shorter jobs and be home more, so she kind of went back to doing a few acting jobs

Page 8: Shamed sleaze Matt Lauer has been snubbed by his old Hamptons crowd, and it's got the scandal-scarred scumbag down in the dumps and the super-rich who live and socialize in the fashionable high-society playground won't forget how Lauer was axed from his longtime Today gig over bombshell allegations of sexual misconduct and Matt's done everything he can to regain his place in the community, from hanging out in the village to splashing money around and tipping too well and he's convinced he can make a comeback, but snooty residents turn their noses up and it must be difficult for him because it's tough for anyone who wants to get in with this crowd but for Matt it's become almost impossible -- with scandal raging, Lauer's marriage to Annette Roque collapsed and they divorced in 2019 after a two-year separation and they share three children, daughter Romy, 17, and sons Jack, 19, and Thijs, 14, and Lauer has denied any wrongdoing and insisted his reputation was wrongly smeared in a media feeding frenzy intent on destroying him -- after his divorce, Matt hooked up with public relations guru Shamin Abas and the two have reportedly been pals for years and were first linked when Matt took her to his New Zealand home in December 2019 and Matt's friends are saying he's talking about a big Hamptons wedding when he and Shamin make things official, but it would be a failure if no one attends but Shamin has a lot of connections, so maybe that will help in time -- Matt's obviously an embarrassment in the area and he's not getting much joy at the swanky country clubs he likes to frequent either and it's clear to see that doors from many A-listers, like Martha Stewart, Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson, who have had ample time to put out the welcome mat and Matt won't be getting invites to their homes anytime soon

Page 9: Kourtney Kardashian is packing on the PDA with new boyfriend Travis Barker and insiders said her desperate bid to compete with her sisters has gone way over the top and ever since Kourtney and Travis first went public, the oldest Kardashian sibling has made it a point to post the couple's passionate romps in racy pics and videos on social media and people in her circle feel it's beneath her to advertise her personal moments like this and even her family thinks it's unflattering, but she's getting a kick out of showing off her wild side and Kourtney has been desperate to raise her profile to keep up with internet-savvy sisters Kim Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian, who promote themselves by posting incessantly and Kourtney was always more low-key, but now she thinks she needs to be outrageous to keep up but her friends and family say it's not who she is, and she should put a lid on the steam

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Alison Brie helped tend to newly planted trees in Malibu, Chris Rock tuned out the world with a set of headphones while walking in Miami, Dylan McDermott plays a bad guy on Law & Order: Organized Crime, Dancing with the Stars pro Sasha Farber buzzed around L.A. on an electric bike, Margot Robbie skating in Malibu

Page 11: Paula Abdul is filling in for Luke Bryan on American Idol, but she's gone crazy with fillers and Botox to the point where she can barely move her face -- 58-year-old Paula, one of the show's original three judges who left before the ninth season, jumped at the chance after Luke tested positive for COVID-19, but when she showed up for work, she was far from the familiar face everyone was expecting and she must have given her co-hosts quite a fright because her face is blown up like a balloon and her forehead has no lines and her eyes have no crinkling at the corners that you would normally expect on someone who's pushing 60 and people are saying she never did know when to quit and this time she's really gone overboard and it was a shame, since it's no secret she'd love to make a comeback on the show and she's still in fantastic shape, but it's kind of sad to see her fall victim to these Hollywood trends as she's a lovely lady and should leave well enough alone -- her heart-shaped face may predispose her to a slower aging process than longer facial shapes

* Jessica Simpson has plumped up her kisser, but one expert thinks her new inflated piehole would look better on a fish because she's gone overboard with filler in her lips and the end result is an unnatural and very unattractive look because the M-shape of the middle upper lip is distorted, creating a fishy appearance she surely wasn't going for

Page 12: Straight Shuter gossip column -- James Bond will be gunning for Top Gun: Maverick on movie screens in November, and Tom Cruise isn't happy -- moving the Top Gun sequel from July to November has left Tom shaken and stirred and no one is more competitive than Tom and going up against the new 007 film starring Daniel Craig has put the fear of God into him because Tom likes to win and coming in second is not an option so get ready for an all-out box office war between Tom and James Bond and this is going to get ugly

* Just out-of-the-closet Colton Underwood has been invited back to his old stomping grounds on The Bachelor but he won't be the new Gay Bachelor, but there's been talk about him returning to help contestants through the process -- he'll literally play the gay best friend who helps the straight contestants find love

* Bridgerton stud Rege-Jean Page won't be back for season 2, but crossing the show's powerful producer Shonda Rhimes was not smart because Shonda is not used to being told no, especially by an actor no one had heard of before she cast him -- Rege-Jean was naive about the business of Hollywood, but he's learning fast but saying no to Shonda is a move he's now thinking twice about

* Irina Shayk had her hands full during a photo shoot in NYC (picture)

Page 13: Racy reality series The Bachelorette has so disgusted some American viewers, they've flooded the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) with complaints and calls to yank the sexy show from TV -- according to documents, a season 16 dodgeball game that turned into a stripping competition among Clare Crawley's suitors in 2020 especially fueled viewers' rage, even though the aired footage was blacked out to protect the men's privates but the game was not over until one team was fully naked

* Matchmaker Olivia Newton-John is itching to play Cupid for longtime pal John Travolta as her Grease co-star approaches the one-year anniversary of the death of his beloved wife Kelly Preston and Oliva would like nothing more than to bring some joy and happiness back into John's life and she has lots of beautiful, fun-filled lady friends from the U.S. and Australia she could set John up with but he may not be ready for a new romance, and John himself has admitted mourning is individual and experiencing your own journey is what can lead to healing and John still hasn't gotten over Kelly's death yet and it feels like yesterday to him

Page 15: Tiger Woods' former mistress Jamie Jungers is dishing about her doomed 18-month affair with the then-married golf great and the fallout that triggered her harrowing spiral into drug addiction in a juicy new tell-all -- Jamie, 38, said she met the skirt-chasing links legend, now recovering from a shattered right leg after a February car crash, during her stint as a party host in Sin City and she claimed they kicked off a fling behind the back of his wife Elin Nordegren and Tiger would often fly his new squeeze to his L.A. home for their secret trysts and Jamie said she even once signed for a package at the newlyweds' pad that turned out to be wedding photos of Tiger and his bride, who divorced the sex addict in 2010 -- but it was not too hard for Jamie to convince herself the couple's marriage was on the skids because Elin spent so much time in her native Sweden and Jamie confessed she loved Tiger in a way but knew they'd never have a real relationship -- things came to a screeching halt when the tightwad millionaire refused to help her find new digs and Jamie kept her lips zipped about the hush-hush affair for three years, but she claimed her ensuing media appearances, in which she was dubbed Mistress No. 4, left her feeling humiliated, triggering a $500 a day pill habit that led to her getting hooked on heroin and meth and homeless Jamie endured failed stints in rehab, went through detox while behind bars and hit rock bottom before getting clean in 2018 and now sober, she said of her former flame she's not in love with him anymore

Page 16: Picky parents Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Baldwin have found one thing that's even tougher than raising six kids: finding the right nanny -- Alec and Hilaria have high expectations for prospective carers and exacting demands when it comes to their duties and Hilaria is so involved with the kids, so she's especially vigilant and has the final say when it comes to hiring and firing though Alec definitely has his checklist on what makes a good nanny and try as they might, they realize they can't do everything themselves and need help, lots of it, but it's been a logistical nightmare getting a team of nannies organized as Alec and Hilaria are tough on them and firm and long hours and multitasking are a must and of course they must be quick on their toes and know what to do with a cranky set of children without losing their cool and a good disposition, a clean and tidy appearance and the ability to step in last minute when needed are all prerequisites to be a Baldwin nanny -- Hilaria and Alec feel guilty about using more help than they initially thought they'd need and typically have at least two nannies on duty and they're doing their best to keep their home from becoming a nuthouse and stay sane and even when Hilaria and Alec are both home at the same time, they still need help changing diapers and doing endless loads of laundry, preparing meals and snacks and assisting homeschooling for the older ones and making sure they all get plenty of exercise and playtime -- it's been a challenge and they won't settle for anything but the most skilled nannies, and their friends can see the efforts are paying off

Page 17: Britney Spears has taken to social media to insist she's OK, but there are increasing concerns over the singer's state of mind -- Britney, 39, has shared bizarre Instagram posts showing her maniacally dancing and also bellyached that she's trying to learn how to use technology in this technology-driven generation, but to be totally honest she can't stand it -- the wacky videos followed the documentary Framing Britney Spears, which cast an unflattering spotlight on her troubled history amid her fight to have her conservator dad Jamie Spears removed from overseeing her personal and financial affairs and Britney, who has not had control over her own cash or major life decisions since her notorious 2008 breakdown, said the documentary's portrayal embarrassed her and brought her to tears and she cried for two weeks -- still, Britney reassured fans she's totally fine and she's extremely happy, she has a beautiful home, beautiful children, referring to her sons Sean, 15, and Jayden, 14, and although Britney, who's been coupled up with 27-year-old personal trainer Sam Asghari since 2016, insisted she's enjoying herself, she was caught on camera in Malibu appearing out of sorts and she looked a total mess and she looked like she hadn't brushed her hair in days and the truth is she's wracked with anxiety and she doesn't trust anyone in her orbit except her boyfriend

Page 18: American Life -- Like many dads, J.B. Handley couldn't understand his teenage son, but in this case, 18-year-old Jamison Handley is autistic and has not spoken a word since he was born -- using a breakthrough strategy called Spelling to Communicate (STC), J.B. discovered his son was hyper-intelligent and now Jamison is graduating from high school and will go to college to study neuroscience in 2022

Page 19: Newly single Kanye West is in the market for someone to cuddle with now that Kim Kardashian is out of the picture and the National Enquirer has decided to help him in his quest: Amanda Gorman, Bjork, Quay Dash, Marina Abramovic, Maria Cristerna

* While Kanye West is looking for a new lady to be his creative muse, his estranged wife Kim Kardashian sees the dating pool as the source of her next career move -- Kim has not been romantically linked to anyone since she filed for divorce in February and she's not dating anyone because, if she were, it would be a career move and Kim can't date quietly; she doesn't even understand what that would be like

Page 22: Katie Holmes and her boytoy beau Emilio Vitolo Jr. haven't been photographed together in more than a month, leaving people to wonder if the once snap-happy couple's romance is cooling off -- after being constantly caught on camera packing on the PDAs, the coosome twosome's vanishing act has sources suspecting work stress is taking a toll -- they're still together but things aren't anything like they were, and Katie seems pretty down and Emilio has been working long hours at his dad's restaurant, which was hit hard during the pandemic and that's meant less time for him and Katie to hang out and their romance may have gone from full boil to simmer

* Hollywood Hookups -- Danica Patrick and Carter Comstock dating, Zac Efron and Vanessa Valladares split, Madison LeCroy is dating a mystery man

Page 23: Lizzo stripped nude on social media for an unedited selfie to promote body positivity in all its glory and the 32-year-old defied the haters by bravely going makeup-free and wearing only her birthday suit -- she said she's letting it all hang out to encourage girls struggling with their self-image and self-confidence to embrace their natural beauty

* Bethenny Frankel plans to spend a whopping $10 million on her upcoming wedding -- she is set to wed Paul Bernon after she was spotted flashing a ginormous sparkler reportedly worth over $400,000 and movie producer Paul, 43, has given Bethenny, 50, carte blanche to spend whatever she wants so she's thinking 50,000 roses, champagne, gilt-edged glasses, a garden setting with fountains, dancers and a choir and Bethenny wants it to be perfect and she expects the best of everything

* Julianna Margulies has admitted things were hot on the set of ER, and it was because she and co-star George Clooney had a crush on each other and the chemistry on the beloved TV series between Julianna, now 54, and George, 60, was organic, she gushed in her upcoming memoir -- she also said when you create an environment that people feel safe in, then you do your best work and George taught her that and she felt so safe with him

Page 25: Troubled Tori Spelling is convinced having a sixth baby is the only way to bring her rocky 15-year marriage to Dean McDermott back from the brink -- Tori, 47, and Dean, 54, have been living separate lives for months and she has frequently been seen in public without her wedding ring and lately they've been more like brother and sister than husband and wife, but Tori is under the impression that another baby will give them a fresh start -- Dean has tried to repair their romance by taking on more dad duties and he even pushed for a recent family getaway to Palm Springs, where Tori socked her husband with the ultimatum to give her another baby or hit the highway and it's true they got along a lot happier when she was pregnant, but a lot of people think she's being delusional since they still have a lot of issues to work through and having another kid isn't going to be a magic fix and in fact, it may even add to their problems

Page 26: Cover Story -- Prince Harry's desperate bid to make peace with his estranged royal family exploded spectacularly when his father Prince Charles gave him an ultimatum to divorce Meghan Markle or you're out forever -- the secret showdown came after the funeral for his grandfather Prince Philip that forced family members to reunite for the first time following a year of bitterness and shocking allegations and any hope Harry had of mending fences and being welcomed back went out the window when he broke Queen Elizabeth's heart by snubbing her 95th birthday right after the funeral because he flew back to California the day before her birthday and it was the last straw for Charles, who was furious and he was stunned his son couldn't wait just 24 hours more to show respect for his grandmother and felt compelled to rush back to his pregnant wife Meghan and it would have meant so much for Her Majesty, who was still mourning her husband and needs all the comfort she can get but instead Harry headed back to his ritzy $14 mansion and Hollywood lifestyle, callously leaving his grieving grandmother on what should have been her big day -- the word is Meghan ordered him back as he'd been gone 10 days, their longest separation since they wed, and she didn't want his family playing mind tricks on him, trying to convince him he should return to the U.K. -- Charles confronted his younger son about snubbing Her Majesty during a phone call from his country getaway in Wales, where Charles was grieving his father Prince Philip and considering the future of the monarchy and Charles didn't mince words and he called Harry selfish and blamed Meghan for ripping the family apart and he bluntly admitted he and other royals, including the queen herself, were deeply disappointed and very angry by what the couple said in an explosive tell-all TV special and he couldn't believe Harry would agree to such a devastating interview without pressure from his publicity-obsessed wife or her advisors and Charles told Harry he was ashamed of him for turning his back on his family and breaking his grandmother's heart and Charles said he didn't believe Harry's marriage can survive long-term and suggested that Meghan was so ambitious, she'd dump Harry when something, or someone, better came along then he shockingly told his son he would only be welcomed back if he divorced that American actress and Charles insisted divorce was the only way to save the royal family and Harry himself -- Harry faced a great deal of frostiness from other members of the family after he arrived for Philip's funeral: Princess Anne, Prince Edward, his wife Sophie and other relatives didn't even look at Harry, they are so angry with him and Meghan, and Prince William and his wife Duchess Kate tried to put on a united front, speaking to Harry as they walked away from the service, but it was all for show as the queen had ordered a truce in the feud to avoid another public scandal, but family feelings are running very deep against Harry and Meghan for quitting royal duties and trashing the royals in their interview and the truth is if Harry doesn't divorce Meghan, this rift will never be mended

Page 36: Ellen DeGeneres confessed she'd swilled three cannabis-laced drinks and popped two snooze-inducing pills before driving wife Portia de Rossi to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy -- during an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, Ellen said she'd downed a commercial beverage containing the weed compounds THC and CBD and admitted she didn't feel anything and then she drank three, and she also took two melatonin sleep pills and she's lying in bed and realizes Portia is not in bed -- after finding Portia on all fours and in pain, Ellen claimed her adrenaline kicked in and she rushed Portia to the hospital

Page 38: Gwyneth Paltrow knows at least one person who is not a fan of her catalog of sex toys: her mom Blythe Danner -- while Gwynnie loves to bang the drum for frisky female fun by hawking vibrators, whips, handcuffs, genital-themed jewelry and even a candle called This Smells Like My Orgasm, her 78-year-old mother is always shocked by her raunchy online inventory and is very proper, but Gwyneth said even proper ladies have sexuality too -- although her mom is not lining up to purchase the BDSM starter kit or the $15,000 gold-plated dildo, Gwyneth remains committed to tackling taboos related to female pleasure, saying she thinks that our sexuality is such an important part of who we are and one of the things they really believe in at Goop is eliminating shame from these topics

* The Entourage crew might get back together, with Charlie Sheen joining the gang -- the creator of the bro show and 2015 spinoff movie said he may bring the boys back with his buddy Charlie in the reboot and Doug Elin says whether he would ever be in Entourage as Charlie Sheen or whether he would create a character for him, he would be all for it -- Charlie hasn't been seen on the big screen since a 2018 guest spot on Saturday Night Live

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Sofia Vergara

[newstfionline]

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Rash of mass shootings stirs US fears heading into summer (AP) Two people were killed and at least 30 others wounded in mass shootings overnight in three states, authorities said Saturday, stoking concerns that a spike in U.S. gun violence could continue into summer as coronavirus restrictions ease and more people are free to socialize. The attacks took place late Friday or early Saturday in the Texas capital of Austin, Chicago and Savannah, Georgia. In Austin, authorities said they arrested one of two male suspects and were searching for the other after a shooting early Saturday on a crowded pedestrian-only street packed with bars and restaurants. Fourteen people were wounded, including two critically, in the gunfire, which the city’s interim police chief said is believed to have started as a dispute between two parties. In Chicago, a woman was killed and nine other people were wounded when two men opened fire on a group standing on a sidewalk in the Chatham neighborhood on the city’s South Side. In the south Georgia city of Savannah, police said one man was killed and seven other people were wounded in a mass shooting Friday evening.

Summer camps return but with fewer campers and counselors (AP) Overnight summer camps will be allowed in all 50 states this season, but COVID-19 rules and a pandemic labor crunch mean that many fewer young campers will attend, and those who do will have to observe coronavirus precautions for the second consecutive year. “Camp might look a little different, but camp is going to look a lot better in 2021 than it did in 2020, when it didn’t happen,” said Matt Norman of Atlanta, who is getting ready to send his 12-year-old daughter to camp. Even though most camps will be open, reduced capacity necessitated by COVID-19 restrictions and the labor shortage will keep numbers well below a normal threshold of about 26 million summer campers, said Tom Rosenberg of the American Camp Association.

Mexico says COVID-19 has affected a fourth of its population (Reuters) About a quarter of Mexico’s 126 million people are estimated to have been infected with the coronavirus, the health ministry said on Friday, far more than the country’s confirmed infections. The 2020 National Health and Nutrition Survey (Ensanut) showed that about 31.1 million people have had the virus, the ministry said in a statement, citing Tonatiuh Barrientos, an official at the National Institute of Public Health. According to Barrientos, not all of the people in the survey’s estimate necessarily showed symptoms. The survey was based on interviews with people at 13,910 households between Aug. 17 and Nov. 14 last year, and confirmed preliminary results released in December.

Peru on edge as electoral board reviews result of disputed presidential election (Guardian) Peru was on a knife-edge on Friday as its electoral board reviewed ballots cast in the presidential election, after a challenge to the tally by the losing candidate Keiko Fujimori. The final tally gave the leftist teacher Pedro Castillo a razor-thin 50.17% to 49.83% advantage over his rightwing rival Fujimori, which amounts to about 60,000 votes. However, the country’s electoral authority has yet to confirm the win, and Fujimori, the scion of a controversial political dynasty, has refused to concede. She alleges fraud, even though national and international observers said the vote was clean, and has called for up to 500,000 votes to be nullified or reexamined, forcing the electoral board to conduct a review of ballots.

For Cornwall, G7 summit brings disruption (AP) Towering steel fences, masses of police, protests on the beach: The Cornish seaside’s turquoise waters and white sandy beaches are looking decidedly less idyllic this week as leaders of the Group of Seven wealthy democracies descend for a summit. U.S. President Joe Biden and leaders from Canada, France, Germany, Italy and Japan are arriving for three days of talks starting Friday at the tiny village of Carbis Bay, near St. Ives in Cornwall. The region is a popular holiday destination in the southwestern tip of England. Locals may be used to crowds and traffic jams during the peak summer tourist season, but the disruptions caused by the summit are on another level. A naval frigate dominates the coastline, armed soldiers guard the main sites and some 5,000 extra police officers have been deployed to the area. Authorities have even hired a cruise ship with a capacity of 3,000, moored offshore, to accommodate some of the extra officers. A main road is closed for the whole week, and local train lines and bus services have been shut down. A 3-meter (10-foot) tall metal fence nicknamed the “ring of steel” has been erected around Treganna Castle in Carbis Bay, where world leaders will stay. Security is also tight in the nearby town of Falmouth, the main base for international media covering the summit.

World leaders are in England, but beautiful British beaches have stolen the show (Washington Post) When President Biden shared a photo to Twitter on Thursday of him standing alongside British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and gazing out onto an unspoiled, sandy white beach from the Group of Seven summit in Cornwall, England, the post was supposed to be a tribute to the “special relationship” between the United Kingdom and the United States. But to many, it was the image of the picturesque coast that stood out. It looked somewhat suspicious. Too good to be true. Others questioned the authenticity of the scene, wondering whether it was photoshopped. Although it is true that some of Britain’s beaches have a reputation for pebbles, angry seagulls that steal food from unsuspecting tourists and diapers that float in murky waters, the county of Cornwall boasts some of the country’s best seaside destinations—complete with calm, clear waters that are perfect for swimming in and long stretches of soft sand that attract families from around the world. Carbis Bay is one of several beaches that make up St. Ives Bay, which, according to the Cornwall tourist board, is considered by the “Most Beautiful Bays in the World” organization to be one of the world’s best. The bay is described as being “surrounded by sub-tropical plants and lapped by turquoise waters.”

Ransomware’s suspected Russian roots point to a long detente between the Kremlin and hackers (Washington Post) The ransomware hackers suspected of targeting Colonial Pipeline and other businesses around the world have a strict set of rules. First and foremost: Don’t target Russia or friendly states. It’s even hard-wired into the malware, including coding to prevent hacks on Moscow’s ally Syria, according to cybersecurity experts who have analyzed the malware’s digital fingerprints. They say the reasons appear clear. “In the West you say, ‘Don’t . . . where you eat,’ ” said Dmitry Smilyanets, a former Russia-based hacker who is now an intelligence analyst at Recorded Future, a cybersecurity company with offices in Washington and other cities around the world. “It’s a red line.” Targeting Russia could mean a knock on the door from state security agents, he said. But attacking Western enterprises is unlikely to trigger a crackdown. The relationship between the Russian government and ransomware criminals allegedly operating from within the country is expected to be a point of tension between President Biden and Russia’s Vladimir Putin at their planned summit in Geneva on Wednesday. The United States has accused Russia of acting as a haven for hackers by tolerating their activities—as long as they are directed outside the country.

Pandemic relapse spells trouble for India’s middle class (AP) India’s economy was on the cusp of recovery from the first pandemic shock when a new wave of infections swept the country, infecting millions, killing hundreds of thousands and forcing many people to stay home. Cases are now tapering off, but prospects for many Indians are drastically worse as salaried jobs vanish, incomes shrink and inequality is rising. Decades of progress in alleviating poverty are imperiled, experts say, and getting growth back on track hinges on the fate of the country’s sprawling middle class. It’s a powerful and diverse group ranging from salaried employees to small business owners: many millions of people struggling to hold onto their hard-earned gains. The outbreak of the pandemic triggered the worst downturn since the Great Depression of the 1930s and as it gradually ebbs, many economies are bouncing back. India’s economy contracted 7.3% in the fiscal year that ended in March, worsening from a slump that slashed growth to 4% from 8% in the two years before the pandemic hit. Economists fear there will be no rebound similar to the ones seen in the U.S. and other major economies.

‘Xi Jinping is my spiritual leader’: China’s education drive in Tibet (Reuters) Under clear blue skies, rugged peaks and the spectacular Potala Palace, one image is ubiquitous in Tibet’s capital city Lhasa: portraits of Chinese President Xi Jinping and fellow leaders. China is broadening a political education campaign as it celebrates the 70th anniversary of its control over Tibet. Civilians and religious figures who the government arranged to be interviewed on the five-day trip pledged loyalty to the Communist Party and Xi. Asked who his spiritual leader was, a monk at Lhasa’s historic Jokhang temple named Xi. “I’m not drunk ... I speak freely to you,” said the monk named Lhakpa, speaking from a courtyard overlooked by security cameras and government observers. “The posters [of Xi] coincide with a massive political education programme which is called ‘feeling gratitude to the party’ education,” said Robert Barnett, a Tibetan studies veteran scholar at the University of London’s School of Oriental and African Studies.

Long overlooked, Israel’s Arab citizens are increasingly asserting their Palestinian identity (Washington Post) Growing up in an Arab village in northern Israel in the 1990s, Mahmoud Abo Arisheh was sure of at least two things: He was Israeli, and he was not allowed to talk politics. “Be careful, or the Shin Bet will get you,” his parents told him, referring to Israel’s domestic security service. Decades later, much has changed: Abo Arisheh is a lawyer, a poet and a theater director in Jaffa. He attends protests and talks politics freely—in Arabic, Hebrew and English. And while his citizenship may remain Israeli, the identity most dear to him is that of a Palestinian. “I didn’t know anything about being Palestinian,” said the 32-year-old, “but then I opened my eyes.” And now, it seems, so are many others. In just the past month, Palestinian citizens of Israel—also known as Israeli Arabs—have risen up in mass, nationwide demonstrations to protest Israeli evictions and police raids. They have been arrested by the hundreds following some of the worst communal violence between Arabs and Jews in Israel’s post-independence history. For a community that is often overlooked despite numbering nearly 2 million people—or about 20 percent of the Israeli population—these are momentous days indeed.

Nigerian police fire tear gas to break up protests over rising insecurity (Reuters) Police fired tear gas and detained several demonstrators in the Nigerian cities of Lagos and Abuja on Saturday during protests over the country’s worsening security situation, Reuters witnesses said. Anger over mass kidnappings-for-ransom, a decade-long Islamist insurgency and a crackdown on protesters in Lagos last October has fueled demands for the government of President Muhammadu Buhari to do more to tackle violence and insecurity. Reuters witnesses in Lagos and Abuja saw police shooting their guns into the air and firing tear gas into the crowds to disperse the demonstrators, who held placards and chanted “Buhari must go”. Officers were also seen smashing mobile phones confiscated from protesters, who also denounced the country’s 33.3% unemployment rate.

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Dancing With The Devil Part 4 Thoughts:

(As per always, I will put this under a read more but it will talk about the pandemic, drug use and mental illness/health so count this as your trigger warning)

General Thoughts:

This episode felt a little weird for me because while it felt very genuine in a lot of ways, it also felt very PR in a more obvious way than part 3 did and in a way parts 1 and 2 did not at all. On the most part, I think this came down to having other celebrities come in that didn’t really feel like they added much or said anything that Demi’s loved ones hadn’t already said. Likewise, there were little moments like the ‘team’ question (over just say asking about loved ones more generally) and Scooter talking about putting everything off after the Grammys that also came off very PR and unneeded. There were also a few moments I wish they went more in depth with which I will talk about throughout this piece. In saying all of that, overall it was a good concluding piece for the documentary and I enjoyed it for the most part.

Pandemic Effects:

I don’t have much to say here past I related heavily to both the guilt and relief of Matt and Demi saying that Demi had a really good year and was able to do a lot of healing because of the time off with the pandemic. While I obviously didn’t have the money and resources Demi did for that process, I lived in an city that was barely touched by the pandemic and had a government that, while they have taken it away now, strongly financially supported people on government payments like myself. So much like Demi, I did what I could to make the best of that but much like Matt, I feel a lot of survivor’s guilt about saying that because that wasn’t most people’s experience.

I also agree with Elton that isolation is the worst thing you can do to someone who needs support, and though I’m glad they didn’t focus too deeply on Max, I’m glad that that was explored through that relationship in the documentary, even if it was heart breaking (and concerning considering I thought she was going to say she relapsed for a moment when she started crying) to see Demi cry over him. Likewise, while it was a more general note, I’m glad that they pushed the idea of getting help when symptoms start as opposed to when you spiral out because I imagine a lot of people needed to hear that, now more than ever.

Being California Sober:

This is one of the areas that I wished they had questioned Demi on more. Specifically, I feel like a question should have been asked regarding drinking being the start of the spiral and what’s changed. Arguably the answer is the same as the ‘the drugs I would want would kill me and that freaks me out’ answer she gave for the lying question, but I still would have liked a bit more exploration of how that connection and/or her attitude to alcohol with drugs has changed. I’m especially curious on a self centred level because a lot of what she said about realising that heroine wasn’t enough for her and that freaking her out is how I felt about realising my own connection between alcohol and drugs was stronger than I realised, even when I’m in a good mood. So yeah, I would have liked to hear more about that.

I also find it very interesting that on the most part, they put opinions that disagree with moderation forward, Like the case worker seemed to be the only one that was fully on board with the idea of moderation for Demi. Granted Sirah gave an on the fence answer of “I don’t know either way” but it felt unconvincing that she felt this was best and then Elton and even Scooter being like “I don’t agree with it at all” seemed like interesting choices to put in. And you can argue that it was to balance the conversation, but it didn’t feel balanced at all to me. Not that that’s a bad thing, just an interesting choice that most documentaries don’t make.

I won’t go too far into my opinion here because I recently went into it in this ask, but tldr: while I know some recovering addicts who can have a big night out and not touch stuff for years, I personally could never see moderation working. I also agree heavily with Elton that you can live just as an amazing life completely sober comparatively to when you’re drinking/drugging and most of my best moments have happened sober. However, in a “Tragic. The worst person you know made a good point” moment, I do agree with Scooter that trying to control Demi has not worked in the past and unless major red flags come up, it is best to trust her and pray that she knows what she is doing.

Honestly? I feel a little mixed about pushing the idea of having to be sober for yourself and not pushing people who aren’t ready for sobriety to get clean. Like yes, in a perfect would everybody would do it for themselves and I agree that you’re more likely to stay sober if you’re doing it for yourself. But it is not a perfect world, and even now, going on nine years being sober of drugs, I still have days where I can’t do it for myself and use things like “I don’t want to disappoint my mum” or “It would make my friends worry” or even “hey I won’t be able to see the new episode of this show if something happens” to keep clean. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing, just like I don’t think Demi getting clean the first time for the sake of her relationship with her sister was a bad thing. Again, it’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing.

Other Mental Illnesses.

This isn’t to do with Demi personally, but I do find it interesting that she was misdiagnosed with Manic Depressive Disorder given what I learned in my psychology undergraduate degree. In general, if a woman is misdiagnosed, typically she is diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder when she really has Manic Depressive Disorder. Alternatively, males who are misdiagnosed are typically diagnosed with Manic Depressive Disorder when they really have a Personality Disorder. Again, this isn’t about Demi specifically, but I just found that interesting when she said about the misdiagnosis.

I also found it interesting that they flat out asked her about her past compulsive lying. One area I wish had been questioned more on that front was when she mentioned about cutting her hair being a liberating thing. Like I find it interesting that she brought up thinking people would hate it and make comments out of malice, but nobody brought up about when she said she changes her hair when she feels out of control. Again, much like the alcohol/drug connection situation, I feel like it would have been a good way to compare and contrast the difference in her mindset now compared to then and lowkey reassure loved ones that this isn’t something they need to question anymore.

All up, Dancing With The Devil is a decent documentary. Though I wished they focused on some parts more and others less, it came off as an authentic look into the struggles of Demi and her loved ones as she rebuilt her life post overdose. While I’m hoping we never get another documentary of this nature from her again, I would not be opposed to another documentary in general years down the line to show the (hopefully positive) contrast of her life when the actions she’s spoken about taking now take full effect. Until then, all I can really do is hope she continues her recovery and growth into who she wants to be.

[prevaricatcr]

‹ TARON EGERTON, HE/HIM, CISMALE, BISEXUAL.  ›  ELLIOT GALLAGHER is the TWENTY SIX year old from SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA. when a friend asked them what they thought of the manor they said,  ❝ MIGHT AS FUCKIN’ WELL, RIGHT? GONNA HATE MY LIFE EITHER WAY, MIGHT AS WELL DO IT WITH SOME SCENERY. ❞ they claim FUNNY GAMES is their favorite scary movie, and if they were to die in a horror film they would TAUNT THE KILLER AND GET WHACKED FOR IT. their fears include DRIVING A CAR, WRITHING SNAKES and PUPPETS, and they don’t know we know, but… HE’S PAID OFF MULTIPLE WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD HIS CHILDREN. hope they enjoy their stay.  ‹  MUSE A from HOLLYWOOD’S BLEEDING penned by, Z, 25+, CST.  ›

- - - - - - - BASICS.

Name: Elliot Rian Gallagher. Pronouns: He, him. Nicknames: n/a Age: Twenty-six. Birthdate: April 18th. Zodiac: Aries sun, taurus moon, gemini rising. Ethnicity: white, his father's grandparents were second generation irish and his mother always stated that her parents came from Sandusky, and didn't know more than that. Nationality: American. Birthplace: Santa Monica, CA Gender: Cis Male. Sexual Orientation: Bisexual.

- - - - - - - BACKGROUND.

Parents: Craig Robert Gallagher; 58 years old, alive. Teresa Dawn Shwitzer-Gallagher ; 52 years old, alive Siblings: 2 older siblings, a boy and a girl, and two younger sisters. Spouse: n/a. Children: 3 by different mothers, whom he sends monthly allowances to. He makes it his business not to know any more. Current Job: out of work musician. Dream Career: to be back on top of his game, winning grammies like he used to. Schooling: Attended Crossroads in Santa Monica on and off, eventually graduated with lots of monetary assistance. Income: Receives pay from royalties from the band he was in as a teenager that kicked him out.

- - - - - - - PHYSICAL.

Height: 5'8". Weight: 160 lb. Eye Color: Blue. Hair Color: Dark brown. Hair Length: Fairly short. Hair Type: On the thinner side, with some wave. Body Type: Fairly skinny, with small hips and waist. A little thicker around the midsection with his short stint of sobriety. Clothing Size: Medium to large. Shoe Size: Size 11 Complexion: Very pale, freckles fairly easy, burns very easy. Scars: scars and calluses on his hands, a puckered scar on his temple half hidden by his hair, and a scar on his right hip from a bad car accident, his knees are assessed as much older than himself because of how poorly he treats them combined with genetics, and a long scar on the left side of his back.

- - - - - - - PERSONALITY.

Positive Traits: adventurous, charming, direct, passionate, sociable, competitive, creative, lively, versatile. Negative Traits: volatile, extravagant, defensive, envious, juvenile, wasteful, unreliable, vulgar, pessimistic. Mental Condition: Currently drinking again and using cocaine along with a few prescription pills after attempting out-patient rehab and tapering down his drinking, which he's been addicted to since age fourteen. No officially assessed disorders or conditions besides his alcoholism. Struggles with intimacy while sober. Emotional Condition: Fragile, filled with guilt and self loathing after relapse. Sees trust as more important than love and is very guarded with what he considers his innermost self. Likes: All black outfits, sunglasses, a tall glass of boulevard when he's drinking to taste it, people that make him laugh out loud, old school SNL, the fine tuning of behind the camera work, treating the people he cares about to nice things, arguing about oscars prospects for any given film, penny slot machines, jokes that make people groan loudly. Dislikes: lazy jokes about addiction, late night talk shows, people who look at him and see his misdeeds and not who he is as a person, "lizard people" conspiracy theories, elevator music, plastic covers on mattresses, the concept of an all seeing, all knowing god, TMZ, the smell of industrial cleaner. Strengths: intelligent, ambitious, sincere, passionate, generous, philosophical. Weaknesses: reckless, impatient, cowardly, detached, foolhardy, irresponsible. Fears/phobias: sobriety, letting someone see every single part of him, allowing himself to be vulnerable when sober, having hallucinations, driving a car. Hobbies: little to none as his primary hobby has always been drinking, mostly reading and watching movies. Quirks: fiddling with his glasses, biting the inside of his cheek, humming any song that comes through his mind out loud when he's distracted or concentrating hard on something.

- - - - - - - HISTORY.

!!! possible triggers in the following biography: drug use, alcohol abuse and alcoholism, driving while intoxicated, car accidents, parental neglect of children !!! You are two and a half when you land your first commercial. Your younger sisters managed their first roles before you, but it was a little easier for them as they were infant twins; far more in demand than just a tiny toddler boy. This is how your family eats and keeps themselves in an apartment in Santa Monica that's meant to house three when your family eventually grows to hold seven in total. A lot of mouths to feed. Thankfully you don't remember a lot of this, as the small time work you and your siblings do is enough to keep your family afloat. You make your way into middle school; pissed and stand offish and looking like a cherub; which insures that no one takes you seriously. The friends you make, you hold tightly to, and you kick around in your best friend Boston’s basement, just fooling around on his parents drum kit, their guitars that aren’t actually supposed to be touched. It’s all just for fun, the band and the EP you slap together; just trying to impress each other, until one of Bos’ parents finds someone who wants to sign the band. Everyone tells you over and over again, that this is the deal of a life time. That this will make sure you work in Hollywood for the rest of your life. This is both true, and untrue. The EP is an unmitigated success, and every review has something to say about you, the kid on bass with backup vocals who’s face looks barely legal but plays like he’s planning a murder. Almost everyone remarks on how much older than your few years you seem. Which at first makes you feel special, important. Makes you seek out big words to use when you're sitting on the couch as a guest. The audience really loves that. Of course, this also spawns those times when you end up at wrap parties and after parties, your mother schmoozing whatever producers and execs she can find, your father nowhere to be found, and a sea of adults getting high and wasted around you. None of the vices of Hollywood have ever been all that strange to you, though. Your parents have always had a very blase approach to the innocence of childhood, and didn't much care to shield you from anything. It’s still all fun and games, really. The five of you have too much fun, and everyone wants to treat you to everything, so. Somehow the option you end up choosing most often is the bottle in your hand. The bottles that are so readily available, everywhere, that get pressed into your hands and put into the end of the night goodie bags your mother always takes three of. You think that waking up in an unfamiliar bed every single night of a week is something the rest of your bandmates are doing. It’s all a laugh, we all drink and we all smoke and it’s kid shit, right Boston? You learn that it very much is just a ‘you’ thing when you come to rehearsal (late, as usual) one Thursday afternoon and they’re all somberly waiting for you, hands in their lap and silent. You are being released from your contract with Cthulhu Rising...but the band has elected to move on and create their debut album. Unfortunately at this point you are eighteen and very, very deeply entrenched in alcoholism. The press has been playing you as a party boy who enjoys simple teenage excess for a very long time, but it's starting to wear thin. TMZ is growing a lot less glowing in their articles. You try not to pay attention even as you get yourself thrown out of clubs and tossed into drunk tanks and bailed back out again by whichever assistant your mother has hired this week. As long as you can find a way to make music, you can keep breathing. But with your growing notoriety, offers start to dry up. Those late night shows that loved your precociousness take pot shots at you in their opening monologues. Kimmel's pre-taped Lonely Island style sketch about 'you' endorsing a brand of gin in the style of I Love Lucy gets over a million views on youtube. All of Hollywood, and by extension all the world is laughing at you. It get a little less funny when you ram your matte black Lamborghini Aventador into the median taking the exit for Interstate 10, pinball off of it and into the car in the lane next to you, back into the median hard enough to flip your car into a roll, tumbling side over side across the lanes into the ditch. Your blood test results at the hospital show your blood alcohol content was nearly triple the legal limit. The accident doesn't kill you, though it's a close thing. You're convinced the recovery is worse. The total at the end adds up to a fractured pelvis, six broken ribs, safety glass embedded in your left temple, lacerations all over your arms and face, bleeding in your lungs and swelling in the brain that leaves you in a coma for the better part of two weeks. The most pathetic part of it all? All of that, the things you don't remember from that day coupled with the bursts and flashes of what you do remember, the year and a half you spend in recovery still isn't enough to make you put the bottle down forever. And doesn't that just make you fucking hate yourself?

[myfinalform-kaz]

Does anyone else find favorite TV characters triggering?

Like everytime I watch Sherlock, Lucifer, Umbrella Academy, Daredevil, I end up relapsing. Like I love these shows, but damn if I didn't eat for a month I would probably look like Klaus or if I worked out excessively and didn't eat properly I would probs look like Matt Murdock. I know that the way I think isn't logical but I can't seem to change it. Either I give up my favourite shows and get fat or I watch the shows I love and continue my disordered behavior. I gotta tell ya that last option is way more enticing

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.