#truly wanna go back to baby gwen and say ‘one day you’ll know why your brain is the way it is’

[gregmarriage]

watching videos of myself as a child be like ‘baby girl, you are so autistic and you don’t even know.’

[waterparchive]

Woodrow Whyte — May 19, 2021

"I don’t know if I want a lot of musicians I love to know I exist because then the possibility of them thinking I suck comes into play"

To quote a famous drag queen, the cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity and the gumption of Waterparks to name their fourth album Greatest Hits. It's a bold statement but if anyone can pull it off, it's the Houston trio and their charismatic frontman Awsten Knight.

Like many releases this year, most of the record was written, recorded and produced during the pandemic, and the enforced downtime leant itself to introspective songwriting sessions.

"When you’re alone for so long, it takes a toll on you and forces you to examine yourself more", Awsten said in promotional materials for the album, before adding “When you hear this album, I hope you walk away feeling like there’s no other band doing anything like it. In my opinion, these are our Greatest Hits. As long as you go into it without expectations of prior things, I think it’s going to be your favourite fucking Waterparks album.”

Fans won't have long to find out if the Greatest Hits lives up to its name, as it drops this Friday. To tide you over until then, we asked Awsten to take a trip down memory lane with our My Life In 20 questions.

20) What did you learn about yourself in 2020?

I learned that I can stop using social media if I want to. I knew we weren’t gonna be doing anything so I took a good 6 months off and when it was time to come back in September, I really didn’t want to. I broke that addiction to checking Twitter all the time. It was cool though because we also grew a lot in that period, so I didn’t have to feel guilty for taking that time.

19) What was your favourite album from 2019?

FANDOM. I make all the songs I wish someone else would because they’d be my favourite band if they did. I’ll also say Igor, Amo, Weezer (Black Album), When We All Fall Asleep..., Anonymous, 7, prob some others but the wiki list is very long and I still have 18 questions to go.

18) What was the most important thing to happen in your life when you were 18?

Graduating high school, I guess? Getting a car was good too! I got my permit late because I was scared to drive and didn’t really care about going places, what a dope guy!

17) Who was your crush at 17?

I’m kinda blanking. Maybe Miley Cyrus?? Do people normally remember this stuff?

16) What can you remember about your 16th birthday?

I truly don’t remember it. I was probably wearing a studded belt if that helps though.

15) What did you hate at 15 which you love now?

I hated the straight edge youth crew dudes that would hang out at local venues and crowd kill when there were only like 40 people, like bitch you’re 28 and I’m 15, stop punching kids you my children my bride looking bitch good lordddd corniest dudes ever, looking like Christian Joe Dirt punching kids for scene clout.

14) What TV show were you obsessed with at 14?

I think 14 I was into Dexter. Amazing show but oh my god that ending. I didn’t have opinions back then about quality, but even at that time I was like 

13) 13 is unlucky for some. Do you have anything that you’re superstitious about?

I’m very superstitious. Before shows I need everyone to stay away from me and let me play solitaire. I don’t walk under ladders, you can’t split the pole when you’re walking with people, I sage myself when I come home from anywhere, whole lotta stuff, baby.

12) If you could live the life of any other person for 12 hours, who would you be and why?

Honestly I’m fine being me, but if it was just for like 12 hours uhhhhh Charlie Day so I can do that thing with my voice when he says “OOAH HELLLLAOOOH”

11) Who was your best friend when you were 11?

Everyone I was friends with before music was just a friend via proximity, like we were on the same sports teams or had the same classes. That’s how it is when you’re younger. You don’t choose that shit when you’re younger, you’re just like, 'You’re near me, what’s up do u like Captain Underpants?' That’s kinda the deal until you’re old enough to be picky. I remember being friends with these twin dudes on swim team Benito and Ernesto, shout out those dudes wherever they are!!!

10) Where do you hope you'll be in ten years time?

Somewhere the internet can’t find me. I hope I’m into some stupid shit like boats, no wifi on the water.

9) What was your biggest fear when you were 9?

Ghosts, I think. And yeah, I used to hear voices! Not dope!

8) When you were 8, what did you want to be when you grew up?  

I used to want to be an author/illustrator for kids books and an archaeologist! I’ll still do the kids books but, man, archaeologists have to be in the sun so much and I need to keep my skin cute so people buy my album. Greatest Hits May 21.

7) Which of the seven deadly sins are you most guilty of?

I just googled them for a refresher and it’s all anime. I’d either say envy or anger. By the way, who made this? It’s stupid as fuck that “anger” is a sin, like huh??????? Bitch I’ll kill you.

6) You can invite six people to your dream dinner party (dead or alive), who would you invite?

No dead people at my dinner party, gross smell. Here’s the thing, I don’t know if I want a lot of musicians I love to know I exist because then the possibility of them thinking I suck comes into play, and if someone like Donald Glover actively had the thought “god, Awsten sucks”, I’d be devastated. So I don't know if I want anyone in that realm to know who I am, I’m cool with loving them from afar.

I’m gonna say a group of people who have nothing to do with me. Like, 6 people who are working on the next Conjuring movie and I just wanna listen in on them and be like, “holy shit??????” I love y’all so much. Quick shout out Lin Shaye.

5) Name five things you can't live without.

Besides the obvious ones: dogs, personal space, sunglasses that cover most of my head, coffee, and tennis/biking. I need to tire myself out as much as possible or I get moody.

4) Describe yourself in four words.

Capricorn. Flexible. Weirdly tall.

3) Your top three songs of all time.

The Beach Boys - 'Wouldn’t It Be Nice', Rihanna - 'Bitch Better Have My Money', and Macklemore - 'Thrift Shop'.

2) Name two things on your bucket list.

A platinum Waterparks album, get a horror music video produced by Blum House.

1) What or who is your one true love?

Having one true love would be scary! Too much emphasis on one thing, too much to lose; can’t put that much on one person either! That’s a crazy level of pressure and expectation! Also Gwen Stefani.

[linkhikari-blog]

Gwenneth

Episode 1 of the fourth chapter. Legault sat at an immaculate table. It was oval in shape spanning a huge room, made of a gorgeous white wood that Legault could not identify. All around the table were chairs of the same make. Legault sat at one end admiring the hall he was in. All made of the same wood, with brilliant sunlight filtering in through Diamond windows. He sighed, tapping the table with his finger tips. Definitely not his kind of hang out. A door on the far side from where he sat clicked open, in walked Chad Valero. He was in his Shinigami garb today. No cowl, rapiers at his sides. Great. Not only did he looked pissed but the Shinigami garbs usually meant he was in full on 'give a God a spanking' mode. Legault never liked Laws. Needless to say him and the God of Judgement rarely saw eye to eye. Chad sat at the other end materializing a book. He cracked in open, put on his reading glasses, and began to read in silence. "When did you start wearing reading glasses? You know you're a greater God right?" Legault questioned. No answer. Legault scowled. Faggot, he thought. "Legault, refrain from even thinking insulting thoughts. I am currently in no mood." Chad said. Legault rolled his eyes, "look dude I'm a busy guy, can we like speed this up?" Chad closed the book suddenly with a slam. The reddish hue in his golden brown eyes glaring at Legault. Legault was unphased. Chad was only intimidating to those that wouldn't enjoy a fight till the death with someone as powerful as he is. Chad took off his glasses, "you broke the law Legault." "I break laws every fucking day guy." He replied. "You broke one of MY laws Legault." "Listen man, you know I've never actually given a fuck about anyone's laws. I'm Legault Jax Valgren! I do what I want when I want." Chad sighed, "because of your transgression I have devised a suitable punishment. You must raise your daughter." "Fuuuuck that." "As a god you have responsibilities. You can't just go around sticking your penis in anything and everything! That's how Grand Terrors happen!" "You mean like Billy?" Chad began to look angered. "Listen guy, none of my children have gotten THAT bad. I get it, you don't want another Billy. But here's the thing candy ass," Legault leans in for emphasis starring Chad down, "I'm not as weak as you. One of my children acts upity and I'll kill the fuck. I don't give two shits about evil and good. What I do care about is existence. Perpetuation of everything. Which is why Lea still lives. That boy may be a giant cock but he isn't Billy. He isn't Solomon." Legault was getting pissed as well. He really didn't like Chad. Never has since the dawn of time. "If you do not obey my orders I will be forced to seal you in a prison for a indeterminate amount of time as punishment Legault. You have one more chance. Now what's it going to be." Chad's eyes gazed Judgement upon Legault. Legault stood up, cocked a smile and lifted both arms up to flip Chad off, "Fuck yourself, Tyrannical bitch." A sudden explosion of power and a (purposely) failed Will save brought Legault to a field, he mused must be in the Sereitei. Across from him, cowl, cloak, and all stood Judgement. Legault smiled again, "Go ahead dude. Power up to your strongest, you'll need it for this ass whooping." Legault began to do simple stretches. Chad was thankful for the opportunity. I guess he figured it out thanks to my glasses, he thought. I'm so spread thin as I am currently I'm functioning below the capabilities of the mortal cap, way below the abilities of any God. Cocky bastard. Chad focused and withdrew all his power, every avatar from every plane, back to him. It took him a few minutes. Chad had an avatar on every plane, and many in the Sereitei. Many Gods also had Chad with them for council and protection. This Civil War has spread him very thin. The plane was built to be able to handle Chads unbelievable power, the planes around his plane began to warp and shake however. It's because of this before he left his station at the Sereitei he had his Captains gear up a barrier for those planes. Hopefully they'll be unaffected. Legault was beaming. His excitement could not be Controlled. Finally, Finally! He thought. Chad Valero, we haven't fought in an entire multiverses worth of time. "Draw your swords." Chad said drawing his own. "Not yet, lets have some fun." Legault said. Chad sighed, fool he thought. They clashed. Chad truly was faster, quite possibly the fastest God in existence, Legault marveled at his speed and skill as he just barely dodged several blows. Chad's first hit landed, it was but a scratch and yet Legault nearly died from it. Legault vaulted away panting. "Just a scratch and..." he coughed up blood. He hadn't bled since he was mortal, not even in the face of Solomon. "I am not here to spar or play games! I am the God of Judgement and of Death! The only reason you survived even that scratch is because by all rights you are a tad stronger, but you are clearly not smarter. Give up, or return to the source Legault." Legault grimaced. He understood now. He had taken the full force of hundreds of dice worth of damage and because of his astronomical fort save survived the death effect. Chad truly was terrifying. Legault could not take another hit like that. Not even a slight graze. Legault a grimace shifted to a smile, then a laugh, Gods damned he was excited. "Play times over!" Legault yelled as lightning struck in two places right next to him revealing dual bastard swords. Chad knew the next hit would win. He knew he could not withstand even one blow from the Lion of War. His only hope was his speed and intelligence. His dex and int versus Legaults wis and dex. They clashed again with blinding speed and unparalleled strength. Far away the captains struggled to maintain a barrier, thankfully Cassius had requested the aid of Lirahs angels anticipating that this fight would get this intense. Even with all of them together, the planes surrounding the Sereitei shook and the fabric of reality cracked. All this and the battle thus far hasn't even been 30 seconds. Finally Chad parried and riposte, disarming Legault of his left sword. Just as Chad thought he has won, he knew he had lost. He had been bluffed by a successful feint. He has been so caught up in the fight he forgot something important about Legault Jax Valgren the greater God of War. He's an expert fist fighter, he thought as Legaults fist quite literally caved in Chads face sending him backwards with so much force that he tore through the fabric of the Plane he had created into the blind eternities. "THE FUCK YOU THINK I AM!?!?" Legault shouted as he sent Chad flying. The multiverse was stunned. Chad, who has only ever been beaten by Billy his only son was defeated by Legault. Legault sighed a sigh of content. Lirah appeared not far from him, her sword drawn. Her beautiful blue eyes shaped serious toward Legault. Legault cocked his head and smiled, "hey cutie. Whatchya looking all angry for?" "Cease and desist Legault I don't want to fight you." She responded. "Whoa whoa whoa!" Legault said waving his arms, "I ain't into fighting girls, especially pretty ones." "Then you give in?" "Can you ask me nicely sweet heart?" Lirah frowned a bit, but did not want to fight Legault. Even with all her power to fight someone like him would mean to fight to kill him. Legault was not an evil man, she couldn't bring herself to do that. Especially since he showed Chad mercy. Even if the rest of the multiverse could not see it Lirah could. Lirah saw everything. She saw that Chad himself saw them as equals and saw Legaults win as a close call. She knew better. She sighed then her visage reset to a more neutral one, "Legault, as part of your punishment for breaking the rules can you please raise your daughter? She's going to need you." Legault beamed, "raising a kid ain't no punishment, it's a blessing. I've never left one of my own completely alone, and I ain't gonna start today." Lirah wasn't surprised by his response. So this is the shard of Fate youve chosen? She thought as she smiled. "You're a good man Legault." Lirah said. "Yep. Tell Chad I'll be waiting for his apology in the form of an ass kissin', I'll even wash it for him." Legault replied. Lirah nodded. "Aight, gotta go visit the kids mother and get custody I guess." He said rather annoyed. "Who is your child's mother?" Chad said gasping stepping back into his plane. His face was a wreck. "Gahaha so you know I'm a daddy but you don't know the mom? Who told you I was a father to be?!" Legault questioned. Lirah and Chad shared a brief glance. Legault looked back and forth. "Ain't you supposed to be neutral Chad?" Legault said. "Right now there's an overflow of evil in the multiverse. Lirah is helping me deal with it as well as acting as my greatest ally in the war." Chad replies. "Gay. Alwell," Legault opened a portal, "wanna meet my new kid?" Like this never happened.. you never change Legault. Chad thought. Lirah and Chad looked at each other. "Sure" they replied stepping through. "You.. you've got to be kidding me Legault, how did you? Why did you?" Chad trailed off. "Dunno just felt like it. Gods can fuck anything right? So I thought, ima fuck the Ocean." Legault replied Chad looking at the mass expanse of water, "You didn't just fuck an Ocean, you fucked the entire plane of water!" "Yea man! You shoulda seen the water elemental faces." Legault laughed. Chad literally face palming, "they don't have faces Legault.." Legault swam through the water to find a baby being cared for by several elementals. He took her into his arms. "This is Gwen." Legault said. Chad looked at Lirah, Lirah was smiling. Chad took that as a good sign and smiled as well. Baby Gwen. "You're gonna come back with daddy, yes you are! And you know what daddy is gonna do? He's gonna pawn you off on Earl, yes he is." Legault played with Gwen. "At least he's honest." Lirah smiled. "Another word for him is 'irresponsible'"Chad rolled his eyes.