#tumblr has been lagging for the past hour I have no idea how you guys are taking it

[the-valiant-valkyrie]

they fed us so good man

[an-inbetween-place]

13. Annual Return?

6:45 AM

Can we have a brief interlude for how absolutely shite (lol shes obsessed with that right now) the tumblr editing UI is? This teeny tiny little module that pops up ... we simply do not love it. I’ll bet we won’t even be seeing the same UI the next time we post but more on that later...

Anyways -- here we are, jet lagged after our 2 week trip to SE Asia (Bangkok, Krabi, Hanoi, Hoi An, HCMC just because future Jess will inevitably forget) and just in such a weird place emotionally. (There is no room for pretty prose right now).

Here, on this winter-y morning -- where it’s already past when I used to be on the Auburndale LIRR track, waiting for that cold rush of air that signified that I was on my way to Stuy and yet another day of routine was about to begin; the sky is still grey and dark and I’m sipping on a coffee, burning a candle and throwing my Haven onto it’s brightest possible setting (now that’s a purchase that might not be around - or used, rather - when the next post comes out but the vibes are just too good to return). 

I can hear the city coming alive around me - the clanging of the elevator, the rush of the cabs outside and the apartments across the way slowly illuminating. I do love and relish the moment the city wakes up; going from the rare quiet and serene city (lol would anyone who didn’t grow up in the city agree with me that the city @ 4-5 AM is ‘serene’) to the ‘hustle and bustle’ of people getting up, speed walkers on their way to the train with coffees in hand, delis and carts running through orders like nobody’s business. 

However, I feel rushed and anxious - like I need the cover of darkness to get all my thoughts out. Like I can’t be vulnerable in the daylight. Like I’m racing against the sun and as always, fighting a losing battle. Like my fingers and words are failing me with their lack of speed. Like I’m taking an exam and my thoughts are sticky and moving through honey.

And on that note, we should really just get into it. It’s the elephant in the room -- and I guess keeping in tradition, we should stick to initials on this blog. Good ole D. DRZ if you will. I cannot fathom a day that I do not remember this man’s name but if my brief scroll through this blog tells me anything, that day may come one day. (Well, I doubt I won’t remember his name fully, but it’ll be a foggy memory).

I’ve been saying this and stewing in it but I should say that I really did get what I wished for. For two whole years (and the last post commemorates it), all I’ve been saying is that I want something. Anything to make me feel something. Anything so that I don’t feel apathy and nothing more than a faint wave of sadness for a few hours over someone saying goodbye forever. Anything to make me fully understand the heartbreak songs and the crazy movies and everything in this godforsaken relationship obsessed media (holidays are not a fun time to be struggling with this).

I just saw something on Instagram that may have prompted this post. A joke about how with situationships, all they do is prepare someone else for a relationship with the next person. I suppose LI guy (S...XYZ? we cannot remember his last name for the life of us.. and that tells the audience enough really) would agree. 

I gotta get a move on - I see the sky lightening through the (white lol that was a terrible idea) curtains and my mom just called me. I need to move out of this headspace and get back into my normal business bich/empty head bich mood.

I’m being dramatic really - and that’s totally fine, we support our dramatic queens. Nothing has happened, but it’s just all in the water. We never were in a real relationship but we’re about to have our break up conversation. I can picture it completely -- I’m going to ask for more (as I have been) and he’ll let me know that he can’t give me what I want. The only shift here is that this time, I won’t respond with ‘okay’. It’ll be a ‘okay, I think we should stop seeing each other then’. And even typing that breaks my heart a little.

I think it’s the fact that he won’t fight for me that is the heart wrenching part.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but I really want to be.

I suppose I should be all manifest the future you want and sending good vibes into the ether but I know that’s a fool’s mission.

I suppose that’s all I have left in terms of a defense mechanism --  the whole you expect nothing so you aren’t disappointed situation.

Who would have thought? A simple party for a friend of a friend, coming off of a weird situation with a coworker (lol A... what a time that was) and several drinks in... and we’d find ourselves here -- 6 months later. 

Not to silver line everything but this entire situation just demonstrates what little I had with everyone I thought I did have something with - LI guy, MS, S (BW one.. I forgot his last name which is a positive thing IMO), and the countless other 2/3 week dudes that I’ve cycled through.

I can’t even pinpoint why I like him -- I suppose I just enjoy spending time with him. He makes the time go by so easy -- it forever will remind me of that song ‘Loving You is Easy’. Not that I love him, but I can finally see what those lyrics are about.

It’s insane really - I want to talk to him all the time, I want to see him all the time, I want to wake up next to him and go to bed next to him - to start our days together and end them together. I want to travel together, to explore new places and have new experiences. I want to drink just a little too much together and think about nothing for a while. I want to feel safe and secure and wanted and loved and everything! I just want everything together.

Even typing that.. after the last few weeks, I haven’t even let myself think those thoughts - much less relish in them.

I know I’m falling for the classic girl move (also something I saw on Instagram... can the algorithm let a girl LIVE?). The whole, do you like him OR do you simply like the possibility of him? Everything you imagine with him?

Regardless, I want to acknowledge all of that. I want to acknowledge the good that we had, the reason for all the tears and heartbreak and angst. For all the glasses of wine and pining to the girlies.

It feels like pressing on the wound but I want to go through all the fun times we had. The somewhat insane night at the Canary Club that led to Maru. The countless number of bottles of wine we made our way through and my sheer surprise over the number of hours that pass whenever we’re together. My birthday. The hours we have spent on the phone. 

I struggle with recalling those things which may be a positive sign after all.. the body’s defense mechanism coming in strong.

Not to be vengeful, but I hope he’s sad. I hope I’m more than just a blip for a few hours and then he’s back on tinder.

And just like that, my coffee cup is cold and empty and I can hear the clanging of the garbage trucks outside. The cloudy winter light is coming in -- dark and grey and yet too illuminating for me to continue this really.

I suppose the last thing - and the main thing I wanted to get down earlier... I want so badly to relish in this in between place. This grey area of having something and not. This urge to be happy with what I’ve got even though it’s not entirely what I want - but at least it’s somewhat!

I know that’s a cowards move.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that has been my position since October (the infamous pre-Spain date lmao).

I’m nearly shocked by how many times I’ve cried in with/over this man. I mean the number is like 3 but still.

And I know that I cannot be happy with this. It’s a disservice to myself! To my original goal.

I know all of this and it’s still so hard. 

I guess I just really want someone. And at least in this moment right now, I want it to be DRZ.

Now that’s a line that future Jess will definitely cringe over...

7:38 AM

EDIT - 7:41 AM

As I was scrolling through this blog - something caught my eye... something about peach picking/hiking upstate. 

And an irrational anger overtook me - I mentioned it how many times to DRZ and did we go? Never. I mentioned going to a sports bar and watching a game and did we go? Never. And he had to gall to mention that that was something I wanted to do and asked me how it went when I did!

Good riddance. 

I should ride this high all the way to the conversation.

The gorlies are right - let that MAN-GO. You can do so much better.

7:43 AM

[flowerfan2]

Group Texts Are Ridiculous (Or, Five-0 Starts a Group Text)

McDanno, T, A03

Summary:  After Steve leaves Oahu to go find himself, Five-0 starts a group text to keep in touch while Steve’s away.  Picks up after the end of Season 10.

Notes:  This story is set in the present, following 10x22, but there’s no COVID in it.  I wanted it to be fun.  The story is complete and will be posted over the next few weeks.  Many thanks as always to my awesome beta, @perryavenue. And apologies in advance for any formatting errors on tumblr, I spent forever fixing it up for A03 and it probably won’t translate easily at this point!

Chapter 1

April 2, 2020

Group message:  Tani Rey, Junior Reigns, Lou Grover

TR:  You guys going over to Steve’s to say goodbye tomorrow?

 JR:  Yeah.  Still think we should have a party.

 LG:  The man’s had two parties and a lunch already – how many send offs does he need?

 JR:  I don’t know, he didn’t seem to like them very much.  Maybe he needs a better one.  With just us.

 TR:  He’ll be fine.  Plus, there’s not really any time left.

 JR:  What about tonight?  He’s not coming in today, right?

 TR:  He’s got plans, Junes.

 JR:  He does?  I thought he said he had work to do around the house?  We could bring pizza and beer, help him out.

 LG:  He’s got plans with Danny.

 JR:  Danny won’t mind the help – he’d be happier supervising, anyway.

 TR:  Lou, what are we going to do with him?

 LG:  No idea.  Nothing’s worked so far.

 JR:  Are you guys talking about me?  That’s not very cool.  At least fill me in.

 TR:  Sweet Junes, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m not sure we can help.

 LG:  But bring that beer over to my place tonight, and I’ll do my best.

 TR:  I’ll bring chips.

  April 3, 2020

 JR:  Okay now I feel really bummed out.  Why did Steve leave Danny down on the beach like that?  We should have had a party.

 TR:  Chill, Junes, he’ll be ok.  He’s just sad.

 JR:  Do you mean Danny or Steve?

 LG:  Yes.

 JR:  But Steve is the one who decided to leave, he shouldn’t be sad – I don’t get it.

 LG:  It’s not a straightforward situation.

 TR:  Good one, Lou.

 JR:  I feel like I’m still missing something.

 TR:  Wouldn’t be the first time.

 JR:  Hey, should we add Adam to the text?  Because he’s standing over there petting Eddie and it feels kind of awkward that we’re all texting.

 TR:  Sure, Adam is definitely sort of not really barely on Five 0 these days… why not add Jerry while you’re at it?

 JR:  Okay.

 LG:  I think Tani was joking.  But we should add Danny and Steve, it’ll give us an easy way to keep in touch while Steve’s away.

 TR:  You think it’ll work?

 LG:  Look at that sad boy down there on the beach.  It couldn’t hurt.

 TR:  Sounds good.

 JR: …so should I add Adam or not?

  April 5, 2020

 JR has changed the name of the group text to Keeping in Touch with Commander McGarrett

 JR:  How’s your trip so far, Commander?

 SM:  No need to be so formal, Junior.  And good, thanks.  Ran into an old friend.

 TR:  Wow, so we’re going to start with that, are we?  You know Danny’s in the chat, right?

 DW:  How do you think Chin knew Steve’s flight info?

 TR:  Wait, so the old friend was Chin?

 SM:  Yeah, Catherine was surprised, too.  She thought I was going to Tahoe with her.  Not sure where she got that idea.

 DW:  Careful what you say, there are kids present.

 SM:  I didn’t say anything bad.

 DW:  You were thinking it.

 LG:  Not to change the subject or anything, but how are Abby and Sara doing?

 SM:  They’re great.  Sara’s adorable.  Smart as a whip, too.  

 DW:  You gonna stay in San Fran a while?

 SM:  Yeah, a week or two.  See the sights.  I hear they have some great Italian restaurants.

 DW:  Now you’re just being mean.

 SM:  Nothing could rival your lasagna, Danny.

 DW:  Aw, you’re forgiven.

 SM:  Anyway, thanks for giving Chin the heads up that I was coming, Danny.

 DW:  No problem.  Had to make sure you weren’t going to immediately start free climbing rock faces or something.  Need to at least let the jet lag settle.

 LG:  Say hi to the Kelly clan for me, will you?

 SM:  Of course.  Gotta go, Abby and Sara want to take me to Alcatraz.

 DW:  By boat, right?

 SM:  Danno, people swim away from Alcatraz, not to it.

 DW:  Leave it to you to start a new trend.

  <b>April 24, 2020</b>

 <i>JR has changed the name of the group text to</i> <b>Keeping in Touch with Steve</b>

 SM:  Hey, just want to let you guys know that I’m going to be out of contact for a while.

 DW:  As opposed to the past few days, when you answered approximately 5% of my texts?

 LG:  You headed out into the woods?

 SM:  Desert, but yeah.  Gonna do some camping.

 DW:  Maybe you’ll see a bear.  Beat some sense into you.

 JR:  Are there bears in the desert?

 TR:  No, but there are snakes.  And spiders. Be careful, those things can be vicious.

 DW:  Yeah, careful is his middle name.

 JR:  What’s Danny so mad about?

 TR:  Not the time, Junes.

 DW:  I’m not mad, I just know how he is.  He’s probably hoping to see some snakes.  Maybe shoot a rattler, cook one over his campfire.

 SM:  I have no intention of shooting anything, I’m just going camping.

 DW:  Since when is going anywhere without shooting something fun for you?

 SM:  I’m not exactly here to have fun.

 TR:  Um, Steve, you okay?

 SM:  Signing off.  Talk to you guys later.  Give Eddie a hug for me, I miss that big guy.

  April 25, 2020

 TR:  Junes, you awake?

 JR:  Yes, are you?

 JR:  That was a joke, I know you’re awake, you texted me first.

 JR:  This is just a text between us, right?

 TR:  Yeah, it’s just us.  Lou and I are done with the stake-out, we handed it off to HPD.  Lou’s driving me home.

 JR:  Did you talk to him about Danny and Steve?  Danny seemed pissed in the group text.  What’s going on?  

 TR:  I tried, but if Lou knows what’s going on, he’s being unusually tight lipped.

 JR:  I wish Danny was back at work.  It’s weird with both him and McGarrett not there.

 TR:  He’s got at least another two weeks until his ribs heal enough to get cleared to return to active duty, at least that’s what he told me yesterday.

 JR:  Can’t he come back to headquarters, though?  I would have thought he’d want to come back, especially with him being in charge now.

 TR:  Temporarily in charge.

 JR:  Yeah, whatever.  Didn’t really sound like that when the governor stopped by, did it?

 TR:  I don’t know, Junior, I really don’t.  But Danny doesn’t really seem eager to get back to work.  Maybe he’s had it with us.

 JR:  With Five-0?  You think he’s gonna do the restaurant thing again?

 TR:  No, that was a disaster.

 JR:  Well, I hope Danny comes back to Five-0.  Otherwise Adam might think he’s got a permanent spot.

 TR:  You really don’t like Adam much, do you?

 JR:  I don’t know, he seems to have an explanation for everything.  But I don’t trust him.  Not like Steve and Danny.

 TR:  I miss them too.  But Danny’s around anytime you want to talk to him.  He whispered in my ear for two hours yesterday when I was questioning that record store owner who tried his hand at money laundering.

 JR:  But Steve’s been pretty out of touch.

 TR:  I think that was the idea of his trip.  It’s definitely going to be a long summer.

 JR:  You think Steve won’t be back until fall?

 TR:  That’s my bet.  September, refreshed and ready to go.  But I really don’t have a clue.  What do you think?

 JR:  Sooner than September, that’s ages, Tani.  Why does he need to be away so long?

 TR:  You’d have to ask him.

 JR:  Tani?

 TR:  Yeah?

 JR:  One more thing… I think we forgot to put Quinn in the text group.

 TR:  Shit.

 May 4, 2020

 LG:  Grace has got skills, Danny.  She’s beating Steve at his own game!

 TR:  Um, what are you talking about, Lou?

 LG:  Steve and Grace went surfing in L.A.  Big waves, too.  Didn’t you see the pics on Facebook?

 DW:  You’re showing your age, Lou.  Facebook is for old people.

 LG:  Grace posted on it, she’s not old.

 DW:  She only puts pics on there when she wants her parents and grandparents to see them.  They’re carefully curated.

 TR:  Why am I not Facebook friends with Grace?  I feel left out.

 JR:  Ditto.

 DW:  You should both feel free to friend her.  I’m sure she’d friend you back.

 TR:  I’ll look for her insta instead.  Probably get better stuff.

 LG:  Do you even know Grace?

 TR:  Rude.

 JR:  Ditto again.

 DW:  That’s the same thing.

 JR:  No, I’m actually saying ditto for the second time.

 LG:  This group text is more ridiculous than Grace’s sanitized Facebook page.  

 TR:  At least if Steve’s surfing we know he made it out of the desert.

 LG:  On a horse with no name.

 DW:  Now you really sound old.

 TR:  Dad joke alert.

 LG:  What’s wrong with dad jokes?  I am a dad, after all.  I’m quite proud of being a dad.  I deserve to make dad jokes.

 TR:  Try making better ones, at least.

 LG:  Danny, you’re a proud dad.  Back me up here.

 DW:  Proud, yes.  As uncool as you, no.  

 TR:  Settle down, you’re both old and uncool, no need to get worked up about it.

 DW:  Fine.  This old guy is staring at some very nice looking steaks, and was planning on lighting the grill soon.  Assuming you’re still willing to eat my food despite my advanced age.

 JR:  Tani and I are getting in the car now, we’ll stop for beer on the way. Jerry said he was coming, too, and bringing fruit salad with no pineapple, just for you.

 DW:  Yet another reason I like Jerry.  And did you guys talk to Quinn and apologize for not including her in the group text?

 TR:  I did, and she actually seemed relieved not to have to deal with us all outside of work.

 DW:  Seriously?

 TR:  No, of course not.  I already added her.  She’s on now.

 QL:  Hi guys.  Danny, thanks for inviting me.  I’m bringing margaritas and guac.

 DW:  See, already glad you’re in the chat.  Sorry Tani forgot you.

 TR:  I did not forget Quinn!  

 LG:  Tani has been suitably repentant, Danny, don’t worry.  And do put my name on two of those steaks - Renee made her special chocolate cake with mocha buttercream.  We’ll be there soon.

 DW:  Does your wife think I’m dying or something?  She only makes that cake when someone’s sick.

 TR has changed the name of the group text to Chocolate Cake For the Detective’s Soul

 TR:  Maybe she thinks it’ll make your ribs heal faster, so you can come back to work and make sure Lou doesn’t do anything stupid.

 DW:  Tani, not for nothing, but it’s not Lou I’m worried about.

 TR:  That building wasn’t that tall.  I landed in the pool, and apprehended the suspect on the way down.

 DW:  I rest my case.

[miss-m-and-her-blog]

He’s My Girl (Chapter 2)

TITLE OF STORY: He’s My Girl

CHAPTER: 2

AUTHOR: miss-m-and-her-blog

WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: AU Actor!Tom

GENRE: Romance, Drama, Action

FIC SUMMARY: He’s a guy, she’s a boy in disguise. He’s an actor, she’s a stuntman or -woman. How can it ever work when the famous Tom Hiddleston stars in an action film, with Charlie or Charlene as his stunt choreographer? 

RATING: E (Only for this chapter)

WARNINGS/TRIGGERS/AUTHORS NOTES: Yep, just a little sex scenes in this chapter; not gonna tell you between whom, you have to read on to know haha :P

FEEDBACK/COMMENTS:  By the way, the photos that I use as banners are not mine, just found them here on Tumblr :)

-----

“Hey Dodong, take care of Cha in L.A..” Artem instructed his son before they boarded the airplane.

“I’ll take care of him, he’s too busy taking care of his abs!” Charlene shouted out and it made Artem laughed out loud.

Dodong could only scratch the back of his head as Charlene laughed on as they got inside the tube that leads to the plane.

Along with their teammates– three burly men, Josh, Tony, and Gab; they were chosen to train and give out an audition in L.A.. at the Lockley Studios.

Somehow, Charlene felt like she had just joined the Olympics and they are the athletic team representing their country. But she just feels excited because she would see her Uncle Barty again and her cousins.

She had never been to the U.S. but she sees her cousins every Christmas break before she and her father moved to Seoul. Her favorite cousin is the second to the youngest of the eight children that her Uncle has; Barty Jr., or also known as the Youtube sensation and one of the Make-up tutorial Queens– LilyShimmers.

Charlene kept communication with her relatives even when she was already in Seoul. But it had been 10 years since the last time she personally met them, and she can’t help but feel jittery in a good way.

When they got to their seats, Dodong sat with her.

“Comfy?” He asked.

“Yeah, thanks.” the only reply Charlene could only manage to say.

She feels awkward with Dodong and she can feel that he likes her. But as much as possible, she didn’t wanted to have any romantic connection as of the moment. Charlene wanted to focus on the job. But then she tried to think of it, if she ever had any romantic connections in her life; the only answer would be no.

As the plane started to take flight, she looked outside the window and thought about it;

I never had anyone else to love but my Papa. No boyfriends, some intense but quiet crushes on some boys– but no one else.

She settled on to her seat and thought to herself, it didn’t mattered to her if she is a NBSB or, a No-Boyfriend-Since-Birth; she wants to have a job more than she wants to have one.

If I would have a boyfriend, it would be like I took a stone that I’d bash my head with.

This made her chuckle and it made Dodong look.

“Did you said something?” He turned to her.

“Nope. I’ll just take a nap, if you don’t mind.” She replied.

“Okay.” Dodong sighed.

And for the rest of the take-off, Charlene only slept. Not just because she wanted to rest, she wanted evade Dodong’s special attention.

—-

Where are you? I’m outside the cafe.

Tom immediately looked from left to right when he received that text.

And there, he saw her standing over the doorway, wearing a beanie over her fair head and wayfarers as a disguise. He got up to meet her and he gave her a peck on the cheek, and so did she.

“Hi. Thanks for meeting me, Paula.” Tom charmingly said.

“So, you want to go someplace else?” She replied, pointing out.

“Uhm, you don’t like this cafe?” Tom’s brows furrowed in worry.

“Nope. This place swarm with paparazzis, I’ll take you some place else.”

Without any hesitation, Tom took Paula’s hand and they started to walk in the streets. Little did they knew, the paparazzis had already taken a picture of them as they head down to Venice Beach.

There were a few people at the beach for that day, and some people didn’t recognized the both of them behind their guises of sunglasses, a beanie and a fedora hat in Tom’s case.

Tom initiated on getting to know Paula more; when he met her in the script reading, Tom knew he had to get her number. It wasn’t that hard for him as Paula had already shown an interest.

There was something about her that draws Tom; or maybe it’s just his recklessness and needing to forget about his ex that pushes him to Paula.

Paula knew the place very well as she found a lone hotdog stand in the boardwalk. They took a seat and ordered hotdogs and beer. Tom kept looking from left to right, a little bit anxious that somebody might recognize them at the boardwalk.

Paula giggled as she watched him. Tom gave out a nervous chuckle.

“I’ve tried that the first time I ate here. Nobody recognized me, ever. Here–” Then she removed her beanie and sunglasses.

Tom saw her infectious smile that brightens her pale blue eyes. He felt a little breathless, but he kept his cool. Finally, he removed his sunglasses and hat; he squinted a little from the sun, but Paula’s radiant beauty was more blinding than ever.

They began eating their hotdogs and Tom would ask a thing or two about Paula.

He found out that Paula used to be a ballerina until the age of 16. Then, after she was discovered in a play in her high school; she pursued acting.  Her uncle, George Weissman, became her acting coach; while her mother, Celine, pushed her into her career.

Paula paused for a while before speaking another word about her mother.

“Can we talk about something else?”

Tom nodded, “Sure.”

Then Paula’s gaze became direct, “What do you want to do after this?”

He tried to think of something to do, but Paula started with, “How about this; we go back to my place. I’ll make you coffee then listen to music.”

Tom leaned in closer to her, “Then what?” He saw her eyes burn with something else; it was passion, but it was so subtle, it’s only for him to witness.

“We’ll see, Mr. Hiddleston.” Paula winked at him.

“The day’s still young, though.” Tom remarked as he looked around.

Paula tucked her hair behind her ear and replied, “The way you say that, it’s just so Shakespearean.”

“Well, that’s what I was trained for.” Tom quipped.

They both chuckled at each other, but they went quiet, as if they were lost in the budding bliss that both of them are sharing. Tom brushed the side of her head and down to her hair.

I can already tell that I’d be sleepless again because of this woman.

They talked for another hour, something about their previous endeavors in the show business; and even down to their exes. Paula used to date a rock band front man, but she couldn’t handle his womanizing ways, she called it quits.

“Maybe it’s because rock-stars evoke desire from women, you know? Good girls like bad boys-thing.” Paula remarked.

“So, you tend to go for bad boys?” Tom quipped.

This made Paula laugh out loud as it is true. “Well, you’re not one. You’re a straight arrow, Tom.”

Then she placed a hand on his lap that made Tom slowly smile. “You have no idea; but man, did I try.”

Tom then stroke his lower lip as he eyed Paula. Paula couldn’t hide her smile, there she thought, she needed to have him right then. “Listen, Tom, do you want to go now? Back at my place? It’s not far from here.” She offered.

The invitation was enough for Tom to say yes to Paula. He thought, that was he was there for; to hook up.

“Let’s go then, darling.” Tom insinuated sweetly that gave Paula the most seductive smile he ever saw from her.

-----

Charlene felt the jet lag as she went out of the tube. But she also felt the cool winds of L.A. in its November weather. It didn’t felt any different from Seoul, but the air felt more rich to her.

Dodong never left her side, and he even guided her through the crowd. The boys followed them out and when they got into the arrival area, Charlene immediately saw a large glittery-pink sign board, with her name on it.

There was no doubt, it was her cousin's work.

"Lillllyyy!!!" Charlene shouted out amidst the people and she heard a loud and joyful call as a response,

"Cha-Chaaaaaaa!!!" And it was indeed her on-fleek gay cousin, Barty Jr.

Charlene couldn't help it, she left Dodong to run towards Barty Jr.

"Oh my god, Cha-Cha! Come here, lemme hug the fuck out of you!"

As what he is now known by, LilyShimmers, some of the newly arrived passengers and even stewardesses looked on as Charlene and Lily embraced each other so warmly.

"Look at you, Lily! You got taller! You look like a supermodel!" Charlene praised her cousin's outfit for the day and of course, matched with divine make-up that he is widely known for.

Lily had an androgynous body and features; a boy of only 19, he was two heads taller than Charlene; his mermaid-dyed hair ran through his shoulders.  He turned and poised for her as his smile met his violet eyes made possible by colored contact lenses; Charlene was just left breathless and smiling.

Then after the fabulous greeting from Lily, her Uncle Barty came over to welcome her. "Cha-Cha, welcome to L.A.!" And Uncle Barty gave her one tight bear hug.

It was as if the dark cloud of her past shooed away and it was replaced with warmth and happiness, just by a simple welcoming from her relatives.  Charlene tried to wipe out a few tears of joy from her cheeks.

"Aww, why are you crying, Cha?" Lily mumbled to Charlene. Because of this, Lily pulled Charlene in and wiped her tears away.

"I just missed you, guys-- that's all." She choked.

"We missed you too, Cha. And Bo also." Uncle Barty placed a hand on her head to comfort her

Then, Dodong and the boys came over to them; but their biceps and chiseled jaws got Lily's attention.

"Well, hot dayum!" Lily whispered to Charlene and she could only make a funny face at Lily.

"Oh, is this Dodong, Cha?" Uncle Barty asked her, then he met him with a handshake and a tap on the young man's shoulder,

"Dodong! It is you! If it weren't for your eyebrows, I wouldn't recognize you!"

"Thanks, Uncle Barty." He replied with a bright smile.

"How's Artem and Nini?" Dodong asked him.

"Papa and Mama are doing well. Papa's still on stunt choreography."

"Dad, are you going to introduce the boys to me-- I mean to us girls?” Lily sassed, but Charlene snorted out.

Uncle Barty sighed, “This is my boy, Barty Gosengtian Jr.; Junior, the boys.”

Lily wiggled his hips closer to Dodong and the boys to introduce himself, “Just call me... Lily.” His voice got ditzier that made Charlene snigger, she tried to look away so she wouldn’t burst out laughing.

But Uncle Barty already had a sour look on his face, he cut off the introductions by restraining Lily and pulling him back.

“Now, that’s enough, Junior-- anyways, where are you staying, you and the boys, Dodong?” Uncle Barty asked them.

“Lockley Studios had us provided lodging; we’ll be fine, Uncle Bart.”

“Oh, that’s good. So we’ll take Charlene home now, if you don’t mind.”

Dodong tried to hide his disappointment, and Uncle Barty saw it.

“Don’t worry, you’ll see her again.” He joked.

He gave out a nervous chuckle, but Uncle Barty already took Charlene’s pack.

“Bye, Dodong.” Charlene said finally.

“Bye, boys.” Lily gave out flying kisses to them before they left.

Charlene didn’t mind the boys; they’ll contact her in the day of the audition. But as they got to the car park, Lily and Charlene are already gushing about the past 10 years that they have to catch on about.

She may be in a different country, but Charlene felt home. It may not be her father’s company, but to her; it was enough.

------

Paula’s home was just a further walk from the boardwalk; and it was a beautiful two-floor four square house that has a breathtaking view of the beach and the sea. The design of the house for is built for a modernist or millennial, Tom observed.

Girl got class. He thought to himself.

She brought him to the living room where the kitchen was just the other side. Paula turned on the stereo and started to play a song.

“It’s a Lana Del Rey song; from her new album, Lust for Life. I hate to gush but, I so so adore Lana.” Paula lovingly explained as she paused over the counter.

Tom stood up and went over Paula’s side, “I’ve heard some of her songs. What’s the title?”

She looked away as she heard the lyrics of the chorus play, “Love.”

“Sounds hauntingly beautiful.” Tom whispered, but then, he leaned in to kiss her lips.

Paula felt herself bend over to Tom and willingly receive his lips. She closed her eyes and felt how sweet Tom can kiss.

But for a while, she hesitated and she let go of Tom.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“What about coffee?” She replied, breathless.

“Fuck coffee. I want you.” He hungrily whispered and once again, he took Paula into a deeper kiss.

Tom’s hands got a hold of her cheeks, but those hands went down to her shoulders, to her arms, until it found her waist. Paula couldn’t help but let a moan escape while he kissed her, as Tom was just too good at it.

He grabbed her everywhere he can grab, he placed her above the counter as he devoured her lips then down to her neck. His warm breath tickled Paula but made her want for more.

She was not letting him do all the work; her hand already found its way to the buckle of his belt, ready to unbutton and unzip his jeans.

Tom smirked but he kept on kissing her. Then, Paula spoke as she also wanted to catch her breath, “Let’s take this up. I’ve got a bed upstairs, you know.”

He carried her in his arms, and up they went to her room.

Tom didn’t cared as he pushed the door with his feet. He settled Paula down on the floor then proceeded in undressing each other. And when they both have no more article of clothing left in their bodies; Tom paused for a while to look at Paula.

“Damn. I could get used to this.” His sweet husky voice made Paula smile.

Then he pulled her once again, but she took him by surprise by pushing him gently into the bed. Tom knows well what she will do; Paula never broke eye contact as her lips got further down from his chest.

He shuddered when she reached his belly button, but that didn’t stop her from giving him head.

He gave in to the pleasure, the decadent sensation. Tom had been given blowjobs in his lifetime, but none were close to how Paula does it. With it every bob of her head, made it feel like he was going to come early.

And so, he stopped her midway; he didn’t wanted to blow off that fast. He asked Paula for a condom, and she was ready for it and gave him one immediately.

“Let’s do it from behind.” Paula breathed.

“What?” Tom’s brows were furrowed as he is now putting on the condom.

“Fuck me from behind.” She almost ordered him but she still sounded like an angel to Tom.

“Well then. How do you like it?”

Paula gave him a kiss, “As hard as you can.”

Tom smiled and made her turn around. They both crouched over the bed, and then he noticed that there was a mirror in front of them.

He slid his cock in and Paula felt it all.

“Fuck.” Tom moaned as he felt it all slippery and wet even though he already had a condom on.

“Because you-- were a good, good girl... You’re gonna get it... Hard... and fast.” He spoke through his thrusts.

With his pace, Paula moaned out loud and had her head slumped down to the bed. They both melted, like ice brought next to scorching-hot fire. They were one and they could feel every sensation, every touch, every breath that they took.

Tom saw their reflection on the mirror; but there was nothing more that he could think of but Paula. She looked at him through their reflection. Her angelic face writhed with passion and desire.

Tom couldn’t hold it back, he was coming. His breath hasten as he went faster with his pace.

"Oh, Paula-- fuck!” He moaned out loud, but he heard in a while, they were both proclaiming out sighs of pleasure through the whole room.

It was done. Tom bent over Paula and made her head turn so he could kiss her.

“So much for listening to music and drinking coffee.” She teased.

Tom chuckled and took her into sweet embrace. They both took a rest, as it had been a wild activity for the both of them.

Paula fell asleep on the bed, while Tom, he brooded over the curtained wide windows that shows the view of the sea. The filming for the The Last Deal would start in two weeks. Till then, he won’t be seeing her for a time.

He was informed that an audition for stunt performers were to take place this Friday. A stunt trainer for him will be chosen, and Tom has still no idea who it would be.

But then, his thoughts got back to Paula. He was wondering where their fling would go. if it’s for the long run or just the short time. He sighed and leaned on the post at the window. For now, he doesn’t want to think about it. He would just enjoy the ride for now.

[queenofthewaste]

Hi it's 3am (by the time I finished this it was in fact closer to 5am) and I'm so tired and I don't care anymore and this is literally my blog so if I can't be emo here then where? (A diary, I suppose, but shutup)

To preface this, mutuals, whatevs you've seen me go through fandom after fandom and then become a pseudo aesthetic blog so you can handle me angsting a bit. IRLs on the other hand, if you read this I would appreciate you not ever acknowledging this in anyway shape of form bc like. Emotional vulnerability bad (ง'̀-'́)ง

Up until a few months ago I was in a relationship with someone who I cared about very deeply. The relationship itself was not perfect but I was pretty happy, and best I can tell, so was she. Ultimately we broke up because of the fact that she felt she couldn't come out to her family. This wasn't fun for me or anything but its something I was aware of as a possible end so y'know. Whatever.

Unfortunately this break up wasn't even remotely clean. She continued to talk to me, not seeming to get my requests for space and eventually we went back to cuddling and other forms of emotional intimacy that are far oustide of my platonic wheelhouse. At this situation's worst she made some pretty specifically romantic moves towards me, which I would call almost actively callous. Eventually after a few months of going back and forth on whether or not we were talking we (I) actually were firm about it. This was on Halloween, and the following week or so was basically "great" insofar as I didn't have to think about her.

Unfortunately the next week it was my birthday and she turned up on my doorstep after my party upset I had invited some mutual friends, and I helped her with her emotional distress and then walked her home. Then I had no contact. For about a month.

A month later she messaged me on Twitter. Then a week later she turned up somewhere she knew I was going to be (this is somewhat debatable but ultimately I still felt stalked and in a weird way kind of betrayed).

Then nothing until Christmas day when I received an anonymous "I miss you" on this tumblr. Not provable as her like who else misses me lol? (All the creepy men who I keep rejecting but I don't they have my tumblr). Then on NYE she messaged my housemate about me. Then a few days later she does the same.

Ultimately my feeling about all of this are;

I’m sad about the circumstance of the break up. It feels like a waste of something good, but I could probably deal with it better if either of us seemed even remotely happy since it.

I think it’s fucking heartbreaking that someone I cared so deeply for would so quickly become someone I desperately wanted to avoid, the extent to which I want to avoid her is actively depressing in and of itself 

She’s clearly not been doing okay since we broke up (or for a while before we broke up but she’s been more noticeably dysfunctional since we broke up) and it’s so frustrating to watch her feel alienated from her friends (and to an extent have actually alienated her friends) and to engage in self destructive behaviours etc, and have no room, or even right to do anything. 

As an addition to the previous point, I am usually cold to a fault, so I hate how I have been unable to switch off here. I hate that I still care about her the way I do when everything she has done in the past four months has had an active detrimental affect on me.

This is probably the least “valid” feeling to have about the dissolution of the relationship, and I actively consider this to be deeply petty but here we are - I think it’s unfair that she is telling my housemate that she misses me. I think its unfair that she was the one to do romantic things during the messy period post break up. I think it’s unfair that she made a choice and now seems to want to have the sympathy of the person who was “left” or “dumped” or whatever. Fuck you that’s not fair. I haven’t made my feelings about this known. I didn’t message her fucking housemate to tell him I miss her. Of course I fucking miss her but I’m also not a fucking douchebag.

I also feel betrayed by how willing she was to hurt me and mess me around post-break up. She told her friends things she had promised she wouldn’t and generally handled things shittily. Honestly I just want to know why? I didn’t do anything fucking wrong. We didn’t break up even due to shitty behaviour what the fuck did I do to deserve all of this 

I still want to talk to her. I sort of feel like there’s nothing left to say anymore, but I do 

Running concurrently to this is the fact that last year I was voted in to be the president of the Comic Book Society (club) at my university. At the time I was pleased and looked forward to it. One of the people who would be running it with me was a guy I was good friends with. Then he (probably) sexually assaulted me, and (definitely) became super creepy about his feelings for me. I low key told him to fuck off and didn't speak to him for the summer. During which time he got therapy and seemed to improve, and because I didn't want to have to do paperwork I figured I would let him stick around. Of course then he continued to be creepy so I had to tell him to fuck off properly.

The break up I had just gone through, and the fact I had to fire 1/3 of my exec did not make running the society easy, but ultimately neither of those things were the actual problem. 

The problem instead was that my members just. Wouldn't talk. No matter what. I did everything I could. I know I'm often somewhat intimidating but I also know I'm reasonably funny and decent at conversation in general. But over three months these people remained mute and it was infuriating. They wanted a weekly lecture about comics and I'm just not doing that. So I've allowed the society to fold.

Ultimately about this I guess I feel

Sort of betrayed by the guy who was into me, obviously I suppose I shouldn’t have forgiven him after the (possible) sexual abuse, but I was tired and thought maybe it would be fine. But ultimately he was a guy who claimed to care about me/ know me well, and everything he did belied the opposite which is such a fundamental kind of gross that it’s sort of upsetting.

About my society failing? I take on the responsibility personally, even though every piece of evidence suggests there wasn’t much I could really have done to increase turnout, bar become more general interest (Like talk about the movies more) which ultimately defeats the point of the fucking society so. No. Basically, lol, I feel like a total failure for failing to run a society that was clearly doomed to failure from the beginning

ALSO I’m twenty one. Due to issues with my mental and physical health during my A levels I had to spend an additional year in college. I then failed to get the grades I wanted to go the uni I really wanted to go to. As a result of this I came to uni and was a bit “behind” where I wanted to be in life. Then, naturally, of course, I managed to fail a module of my course, meaning I had to resit the whole year. Making me a Twenty One year old First Year. I haven’t told any of my friends about this, meaning I’m consistently lying a bit about what I’m doing. (I did tell my now ex, and am sort of paranoid she may have told someone but whatever) Oh also one of my housemates is resitting his first year, which arguably makes my extended deception worse, because it’s not helped with his self perception. Oh also multiples of my friends are getting engaged now 

I guess the way I feel about this mess of shit is 

Failurex1000

I feel extremely “behind” some idea of where I feel I should be in my life, which is ridiculous because I’ve never had a clear picture of where I want to be and when, so there’s no plan to be behind on 

Failure Failure Failure

I feel somewhat guilty about not informing said housemate bc he’s insecure about resitting, and also insecure about me being arbitrarily “better” than him, but also I have a crippling fear of being seen as weak or stupid and he’s not my fucking responsibility.

Again, the friends all getting engaged thing makes me feel weirdly lagging so. yay

ALSO I live with three boys currently. I say “boys” because despite their status as legal adults, the juvenile term is really more appropriate. One of whom has had a crush on me for a relatively extended period of time now. He claims to be over me, but his behaviours consistently belie that he is not. Another is just generally a bit immature, and screeches down his headset playing shit video games in the middle of the night (this is in fact why I am currently up and writing this) The third is technically fine but he contributes to the general mess and skid marks on the toilet with the seat always fucking up and the hair all over the fucking bathroom dear fucking god 

Summing up this one too;

I have already decided to live alone next year, and have made the arrangements to do so, Though this means I will basically be broke re: disposable money

If I ever see another fucking toilet seat up I’m going to scream

I nearly stabbed my housemate today for waking me up. And now five hours later nearly I have been unable to get any sleep. 

Alot of my complaints about my housemates highlight two specific things for me 

My upbringing required me to be more independent from a younger age. I’m grateful for the relative competence this has provided me earlier on, but also I think I’m becoming resentful, or jealous, of these people who got to be children until even now? I cannot imagine being 19 and behaving the way these boys do (or twenty one and behaving the way my ex does) and I can’t help but wonder about the kind of coddling they must have had relative to my life.

I need my own space. I have had little control of my life and living arrangements for quite some time now (even having spent three months or so technically homeless last summer) and this is potentially my only opportunity to get that so

Finally, Alot of how I’ve reacted to stuff the past few months has made me feel concerned about my mental health? Several years ago I went to a psychologist for an extended period of time (I was forced to lol) and toward the end of the time I was seeing her she mentioned cluster B personality disorders to me. Obviously being a sixteen year old who thought she was fine this made me balk, I started lying to seem neurotypical or whatever the word is now, and then eventually managed to get out of having to go, but now I think there was probably some stock in what she was talking about and am now going to try and pursue this, so I get to dally with the NHS’ adult mental health services.

Summing up

I don’t actually want a diagnosis and on some level think I’m fine but also line up with the DSM of two of the cluster B’s relatively well and am clearly not doing well so my belief that I’m fine is unhelpful

In the end, it is clearly my pride that’s gong to lead to my death. 

Thanks for reading, anonymous internet person or person I know irl stalking my blog/ignoring my request for this to be ignored if you know me irl :I