#tw narcissistic parent mention.

[furiousgoldfish]

I'm going to sit down and try to explain this with patience, to everyone who still thinks calling out narcissistic abuse is 'ableist' or 'dehumanizing to the narcissists', and that abuse is something we're all equally capable of.

I don't think you understand what narcissistic abuse is, or how it differs from the other kinds of abuse. We can agree that all and any abuse is damaging, traumatic and scarring, but narcissistic abuse is so extremely pervasive, hidden, strategic and unbelievable, to the point where I can't honestly tell it's something any regular human would be capable of. And even more than this, the survivors of this particular type of abuse have found it extremely, extremely difficult to figure out they've been abused, even when they've been put through extreme, devastating, and absolutely dehumanizing scenarios. Realizing that your loved one is a narcissist requires your entire world to break down, and every piece of your heart shatters in the realization, and it takes months, even years to accept it.

The only way we can possibly figure it out is to connect the patterns. And patterns of the narcissistic abuse are focused on erasing one's own sense of self, one's perspective and ultimately, complete control over someone's emotions and behaviours. This is often done from early on, the grooming process starts at age zero, your value, worth and usefulness is determined by them, and you cannot wrangle yourself free from it on your own, not without someone confirming to you that you've been held captive, that your free will has been taken a long time ago.

Unfortunately, I have to give some examples, because I don't think it can be explained otherwise. When I was 2 years old, a narcissistic person found it a nuisance to watch over me, and they beat me up every time I disobeyed. I was a toddler. Then they proceeded to convince me that I was a demon, and would burn in hell regardless of what I do for the rest of my life. I've been brainwashed by this person to believe I was not a human being, had no human rights, that it was correct and regular for me to be locked up, beaten, and that it was my fault every single time, even when I did all that was asked of me. This person then had me comfort them after they would beat me, because it was a stressful experience for them. I wasn't allowed to cry. I would be beaten for making a face expression they didn't like. It was random and unexplainable.

Another narcissistic person created a game where they would give me wrong instructions for a task, then torture me when I did exactly as they instructed me to. It got to a point where I would beg them to tell me what to do correctly, and they would respond with a laughing 'you should be old enough to know this' and they would be even happier to beat me up and scream at me for getting it wrong. This person not only threatened to kill me regularly, but often made me believe I was in my last few seconds of life, putting me in position where I believed I was about to die. They forced me to work for them in unsafe conditions, heavy physical jobs, where I was not allowed to say I'm tired, not allowed to cry, and even after I'd do everything, they would still tell me I didn't deserve to eat. I was a child. I didn't think for a second I was being abused. I was already brainwashed to believe that everyone else had it worse, and that I was lucky.

I had no identity besides existing for them, I had no free will except to try and make myself into something they could use, and if I didn't do a good enough job, I'd be ostracized. They loved beating me, screaming at me and making me cry, and then they'd leave me in a room crying without being allowed to make any noise, while they laughed in the room next to me, as a family, loudly so I could hear what a great time they were having. They would treat other children gently in front of me in order to try and make me jealous. They would revise every part of what they did to me if I ever tried to bring it up. I wasn't allowed my own perspective, opinion, or complaint. I wasn't even allowed to remember the abuse correctly. I would be locked in a room and questioned and punished if my opinions weren't to their liking.

I don't believe this is something anyone is capable of doing. I don't believe anyone of us is capable of torturing a kid until the kid begs to be killed. I don't believe most of us are capable of erasing a child's point of view, their reality, their humanity to the point where the child is forced to live a life where they will either comply or be killed, and they will be tortured no matter what. This isn't a regular thing that a person can easily do.

Luckily, us who have been through this, have noticed that there is a specific pattern to their behaviour. That they use almost identical phrases with which their invoke guilt, fear and hopelessness. That they can go frighteningly fast from rage to laughter to acting hurt. That they enforce their will over ours with a specific type of terror that triggers both our survival instincts and our compassion and shame. That we've been groomed by them in an almost identical way - to not believe that we're allowed our own feelings, memories, opinions, point of view, or freedom. That we have learned to exist only to be an extension of them.

We also all noticed that we're all absolutely, beyond terrified of them, and that we don't feel we're allowed to say it, or think it. That we're taught by terror to keep believing that they're good people, that they do none of it on purpose, not even the most extreme, insane, egregious abuse. That they will go to any length, even committing more atrocities, to escape accountability. That they use tactics of darvo, gaslighting, double-bind, planting insecurities, triangulating, future faking, discarding, love bombing, mirroring, smear campaigns, projection, scapegoating, silencing, throwing tantrums, victim playing, like it's in their second nature. That they're genuinely, absolutely terrifying and almost unreal in how far they're capable of going. And most of all, that they are dangerous, and capable of completely turning another human being into their puppet, and never think for a second that it might be wrong. To them, we are nothing more but toys to manipulate, control, and discard. We are disposable. There is no limit to what they can do to us, because to them, we are not alive. They would do to us what normal people wouldn't do to a corpse. And they feel superior for it.

People abused by narcissists from early age are likely to develop the most complex and extreme disorders, complex ptsd and dissociative identity disorder being some of them, because that's what it takes to survive being a child and existing next to a narcissist. This means that small children need to be shattered in pieces in order to please the narcissist. Others that are very common are eating disorders, anxiety, depression, paranoia, avoidant personality disorder, panic disorder, and compulsions to cater to everyone's needs, to the point of our own destruction. This is what they make of us, on purpose, in order for us to be of use to them. And they will forever insist it's their right.

When I'm saying the word 'narcissist', I am not referring to 'anyone diagnosed with npd', I am referring to a person who will do this to a child, and insist on doing it for the rest of the child's life. I am writing it because I don't want children to have to live like this forever. I am not aiming to dehumanize the narcissist, their actions show who they are, I am saying, be careful and aware that this person will dehumanize you. That you are disposable to them. That making you feel good in order for you to like them, is a game to them, and one they're very good at. That playing the victim at you and demanding justice, will easily manipulate you into standing against the victims of abuse and talking down to them for 'dehumanizing their abusers', and being 'ableist to the npd', after being tortured past the point of return by those people.

A lot of us are permanently damaged by what's been done to us. We are not asking for justice. We're not asking for revenge. We are asking to be safe. We're asking for this to stop. We're asking for children not to be left alone with people who are dangerous to this level. We're asking you to understand that a narcissist left alone with a child means a child in danger.

It's common to not be aware just how bad it can go, because we think that most humans know not to torture a child. We believe that nobody would do things to children that narcissists do. If you read the stories of the survivors, you'll find out what actually happens behind closed doors. The themes of torture, dehumanization, sexual abuse, brainwashing, violence, and extreme cruelty are common, even towards toddlers.

I need you to not attack those children when they grow up and say they no longer want to be around narcissists. I need you to understand that they know what they're talking about when they say it's not safe, that they want to be protected. The society already failed to protect them at their most vulnerable, and they had to make it alive by their wits alone. And now you won't even let them speak without attacking them? It's inexcusable.

If you want to know about the narcissists, read what their victims have gone through. Then make a judgment on whether we're allowed to speak, and whether it's worth warning others to hold caution. I've heard and read stories of narcissistic parents sex-trafficking their own child, holding them captive and locked up and convincing them it's right to do this, using brutal punishments to 'train' them into inhumane slave-like behaviour, keeping the children in state so terrified the children wished they were dead. And in all those cases, they still convinced the children to love their parents, and to never blame them for any kind of abuse. Yes, even in the sex-trafficking cases.

Fighting for those children to realize that they didn't deserve that, is the only correct thing to do. Fighting to help them realize they're in danger, and that they deserve safely, it's not only right but extremely necessary, it's what we all should be putting all of our energy into.

Wanting to keep others safe will never be wrong. Wanting to protect those who still have their identity, their sense of self, their undamaged humanity, their free will and their point of view, that's worth fighting for! And above all, those who already lost it all, need to be protected. We cannot allow for already badly wounded people to be dehumanized over and over again. Nobody deserves that.

[a-sip-of-milo]

"But if you never have kids, who's going to take care of you when you're old?"

So, your reasoning for wanting/having children is so you've got someone who feels obligated to take care of you? Sounds abusive but okay.

DNI if you believe in cluster B abuse.

[nothing0fnothing]

My mom always used to tell me that I was so much more mature than the boys my age because "girls mature faster" and always told me to date older when I started dating.

The men in my family would tell me that the best way for me to succeed was to 1) get really thin 2) get really hot 3) marry an elderly man months from death 4) inherit his money after he died.

Constant discussions about how I shouldn't be dating teenage boys because teenage boys "only want one thing" and I should be waiting to date till my mid 20s when they've "calmed down".

But yeah it was totally my fault when a man in a position of power over me in his late 20s started dming me when I was 13 and I thought it was normal.

[actuallyverynormalbtw]

having divorced parents is so easy like they both acknowledge the trauma The Other One gave me and i can play both sides talking shit about them and hey wait a minute why cant i trust anyone...

[whereserpentswalk]

God. My dad is talking about his imprisonment/rape fantasies he has about me again and he's violating a lot of my physical boundaries. I'm just not equip to deal with this tonight.

[nsk96]

Short rant:

I fucking hate living in this house. Every fucking weekend my dad gotta make some kind of fight about something. He sabotaged the freezer a couple weeks ago and now we gotta toss a whole bunch of shit out and my mom can stop ranting at me.

Mom, get a fucking therapist or a journal please, I’m trying to study.

I have an exam on Monday which I’m sure I’m gonna fail now because it’s already 6:40pm and I only covered 10 practice questions.

My door is closed and locked and I can hear their whole fucking argument and him slamming doors. I’m tired of this shit.

I don’t even have privacy in the bathroom. I went to use the main bathroom and then my dad went to use my mom’s bathroom. My mom barged in on me and said “I told you to use mine when he’s home, I don’t want him to use it.”

Well I don’t fucking care anymore, Mom. This is how we live, we all gotta make sacrifices and live with the paranoia of living with this narc man because you decided to stay with him and you made me stay as well.

I may not even survive to see graduation because he has his plans whatever they are and he found his hand gun that we had hidden. You think I care about him using your bathroom? Fuck off

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

npd is agreeing with a lot of things ppl say on here but not fully which makes you feel good cuz wow your experiences are soooooo unique but also seeing some sad messed up shit on here and feeling jealous because it feels like your trauma is smaller than an ant and not enough and you won't be taken seriously by anyone which always happens because every time you go in a space dedicated to traumatised individuals to vent you always see ppl who have it the absolute worst to the point where ur trauma feels like it isn't even trauma and you should be perfectly fine because how can a few beatings fuck you up so badly when everyone is out here surviving horrible things like rape and csa or even just beatings all the time/very often while you got mediocrely beat once in a while so you secretly wish and hope for the most terrible things to happen for an excuse and even trying to make it happen but failing and then you feel worse and you realise there will never be a place for you anywhere because ur too damaged to be around non-mentally ill ppl but when ur around mentally ill ppl ur trauma is so nonimportant and stupid and tiny you wonder how it exists at all

.

[midnight-soulless-system]

Our mother used to make jokes about why we'd hand her a specific drink instead of ours and would often say "Did you spit it in or something to mess with me?" and that was an opportunity we should've taken. She caused our plurality, raped us often, let us be sex-trafficked, hit us, verbally abused us and our mother, and is just a shit person. The least she deserves is some spit in her drink for that.

Anyways, I guess what I mean to say is, if your life is shit and you're safe enough to do it, spit in the cunt's drink who made your life a living hell. It'll make you feel just a little bit better.

[dandelioninajungle]

Mother related stuff under the cut.

My mum has done the MOST stereotypical narcissistic mother thing and I can’t stop laughing.

She got me a dress yesterday, and I had a feeling so I looked online, on the Asda site.

A) it’s a nightie

B) it’s two sizes too big

It’s her reaction to me wearing what she deems are clothes that are too tight/revealing.

And I don’t think I’m upset anymore - I’m beyond that, I do understand it’s her and not me. I’m 35 years old, I’m able (finally) to see myself as a separate person. What I am is so so sad for and angry on behalf of child me. That somebody would treat her like that. Just. Wowowowowow.

[the-enemys-gate-is-down]

I look at pictures of myself from that time and I was a kid. just a little kid. she abused a CHILD. and she felt justified in doing so.

[nothing0fnothing]

Hey remember when that grown man molested and groomed me into thinking it was okay for like, almost 3 years and when everyone found out I got treated like I, the 13 year old child, was the bad one who broke the rules? And then I spiralled down into a pit of rage issues and bad mental health because nobody thought it might be necessary to get me help after such an ordeal so I just had to tough it out and work it out alone? and not just regular alone, like truly alone, because I was pulled out of every social extracurricular I was in and had all my hobbies taken off me as punishment so all I could really do was sit alone in my room thinking about everything I'd just gone through and how bad it was? and it was especially bad because it was summer and my parents were so angry at me they didn't talk to me basically at all so it just became normal that I went days to a week at a time without speaking to a human being the whole time, essentially leaving me alone in a time I should have been having conversations about what happened to me and how I can heal? And nobody talked about it at all for like 5 years and pretended it didn't happen to me and I had no reason to be sad and depressed and mentally ill because I had a perfect life? And literally the only evidence I had that what happened to me wasnt just forgotten was brought up was as a joke at my expense when I was 20 and moved out? And when I, a then 20 year old who still wasn't healed from that experience because why the fuck wouldn't I be? Said that the joke wasn't funny and acknowledged for the first time that it wasn't my fault I got met with some weird remark about how it was actually another 15 year olds fault because she also got groomed?

Yeah me neither idk why I brought it up.

[little-bloodied-angel]

I dunno, maybe I'm crazy, but if I had a kid with such severe body dysmorphia that it has driven them to self-harm, caused psychotic episodes where they tried to mutilate their body, and heavily influenced their chronic suicidal tendencies, and they found two harmless, non-invasive things that help alleviate it (gel nails and professionally done eyebrows, especially considering that left to their own devices they'll use the tweezers to destroy their face because they also have dermatillomania), I wouldn't deny them those things, tell them that they're going to get them and then ensure they don't, and call them a spoiled rotten brat the few times they manage to have them done, simply ask for them, or remind me that I made a promise. But like I said maybe it's just me? Everyone acts like my mother is perfect, so I must just be delusional.

Then again if I had a kid with body dysmorphic disorder and an ED, I also wouldn't constantly be making negative comments about their body, face, skin, hair, general appearance, makeup, preferred clothing or even their weight. Oh well.

(life in general and the holidays in particular are going just great, y'all)

[connieaaa]

Adjacent to "were you cringe or were you 11?"

I apologize on behalf of 16-year-old me to the person from the college group at church. He opened up about depression and suicidal ideation, and I helpfully tried to share my personal brain hack - if you are worthless, you aren't actually worth the effort it takes to kill yourself.

I didn't know what life could be like yet. Also I am quite proud of 9-year-old us for coming up with logic bomb.

I also have to say that neutral self-talk has been life changing for me.

I love myself ❌

I hate myself❌

I appreciate who I have become✔️

[nsk96]

Personal rant:

I'm getting real tired of my mom always talking down to me as if I'm a kid that doesn't know anything. I'm tired of her insulting my intelligence.

I talked back to her today and stood up for myself. I was washing some small tomatoes, the tiny ones, for my breakfast. I always wash fruits and veggies with soap (I usually use the dish soap). One dropped into the sink for like 3 seconds and I picked it up and was ready to wash it with soap again. My mom made a fuss saying to throw it away because "the sink isn't clean" despite me washing it with soap before consumption.

I told her we shouldn't be eating on the plates then. She asked why, and I said they touched the sink too and we only use the soap to wash them. She was like "they're not fruits though." I kept going and said we shouldn't be using forks. Then she was like "forks are fruits?" in a condescending way.

She was like "you're the pharmacist, you should know about bacteria" and I said that doesn't mean shit. Pharmacists pick your pills off the ground and still give them to you. Then she was like "well do you think that's right?" I said "no, that's my point."

I went on about how she doesn't believe me anyway, and she was like tell me when I didn't believe you. I reminded her of the time I got a small burn and she told me to put it in ice water and I told her no I need to run it under room temperature water first. Her response was "okay, keep believing in doctor medicine" in a condescending tone.

She was like "I was sharing my opinion, and you shared yours." The problem isn't that she shares her opinion, the problem is that she treats her opinion as fact or the law of the land, and has to make a big argument out of it if she gets any push-back. She literally can't handle being wrong and has to insult my intelligence if I don't do things her way. When you prove her wrong she just goes, "oh." Only a couple times have I heard her say, "you're right," but again, she would never admit that she was wrong.

Another example: in the morning times I'm a little congested and I cough up mucus. She makes a big deal out of it saying that I need to take the cough medicine she gave me a year ago (when I had covid) to stop coughing because it "sounds like it's in your lungs. It shouldn't be there. You need to take the medicine to dry it up". She's referring to a cough suppressant. I don't cough all day, it's seriously just when I have a little mucus which is at most 3 times a day (but usually just the morning). I tend to get it if I eat food I'm hypersensitive to like wheat, egg and cashews. I get a post-nasal drip because of my allergies (despite taking an allergy pill daily). I tell her that I can't take a cough suppressant if I need to cough up mucus.

But she she keeps bringing this topic up and I tell her that if I take a cough suppressant long term and cause myself to not be able to cough up mucus from my lungs, I run the risk of getting pneumonia. She still insists on me taking the cough suppressant saying it will help "decongest" me despite me telling her no. She's brought up the argument over 5 times already, me telling her the same thing every time that I need an expectorant and decongestant, and telling her that cough suppressants really just reduce the feeling to cough. But she's convinced it will help with congestion, and of course her response is "keep believing in doctor medicine", insulting my intelligence every time, as if I didn't spend 3 years in hell of pharmacy school to learn this stuff and apply it to make people's lives better. Next time she says this, I should probably say, "oh that's why you're taking so many medications for your blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, anxiety, and nerve pain, right?"

Honestly, it hurts that she doesn't believe me and would rather me risk getting pneumonia just because she wants me to do as she says.

Then after the whole tomato argument, she still kept going about how she shares her opinion and then "stops talking". I said "no, you don't (stop talking)." That triggered her so much she felt the need to compare me to my dad saying that's the line he uses. I asked what line, and she went on about how he wants her to just shut up. I told her "i never said that".

I told her that what I mean is that she just keeps repeating herself (she repeats herself 3-5 times in the same argument/lecture/talking down to me etc. and keeps bringing things up later on). She was like "i repeat myself because you don't listen. I talk and you don't say anything." Not my fucking fault that she raised me to silently obey her, and scared me into silence all throughout my childhood and teen years. I look at her when she talks, but look away when I'm busy doing something (I learned is okay from her because she does the same). It's funny she expects more when she never taught me that, nor gave me a chance to speak much in the past. And when I say she never taught me that, I mean that when I talk to her when she's busy, she doesn't answer me either. Sometimes when I talk to her she changes the conversation while I'm still talking (which I think could just be that she gets distracted easily like I do, but she'd never admit it). But it makes me feel like what I'm saying is never interesting enough.

I do the same quiet behavior when other people are talking to me. I look at them and either nod, but I don't really say anything unless I have something to add. It's only recently, now that a preceptor on rotation bluntly pointed out that I have a tendency to give him this blank stare, that I started forcing myself to at least go "m-hm" when people are telling me something. It's so bad, that sometimes I don't process what their saying because I'm too busying worrying about when to go "m-hm" and when to make or break eye contact.

Now she wants to call me rude and act like I'm mistreating her when I return her energy. She's done it so much to me, it's ingrained in my behavior now, and I didn't realize this until recently when I started paying more attention to my own behavior and feelings, and how she ignores me or at least fails to acknowledge what I'm saying. I spent most of my life feeling unheard, unseen, not believed, scared (of her especially), crying myself to sleep and comforting myself, and now it's biting her in the ass as I'm finally getting my voice.

She's probably getting scared now, thinking I won't take care of her when she's old and frail. Lucky for her though, I'm a person of my word. She sometimes rants about how the culture in the U.S. tells children that they don't need to take care of their parents (partially because she's still bitter about how my brother left)...while not understanding that:

1) you chose to have a child; they have no obligation to be your retirement plan. It's unfair to dump that responsibility on them for just existing. Btw, she didn't have to take care of her parents, despite wanting to, because they were in Trinidad being "cared for" by her brothers and sisters. So, she doesn't know the sacrifice it takes especially here in the U.S. for one single child to do it. I know, because I see and hear about people who go through it here. I don't blame those people who decide not to care for toxic parents. How your kids treat you when they're grown, is often a reflection of how you treated them as kids.

2) she seems to forget that this same U.S. "culture" tells parents to kick their kids out at 18, and iirc it was once allowed younger in some states. When you choose to become a parent, you choose to raise an adult to have opinions of their own and they will learn things that you probably don't know. You don't have to agree to everything they say, but at least respect their opinions and knowledge instead of talking down to them like they're stupid. You should not be raising them to be your personal caretaker and if you are, you shouldn't be a parent at all.

If she thinks I'm getting like my dad, then she probably shouldn't have forced me to live with him. But I'd say most of my "rude" behavior I learned from her.

One of the things that hurts the most is that I can't even talk to my brother about everything that's been going on. His view would likely be that I should just leave like he did, forgetting that when he left, he dropped out of college because he apparently couldn't balance a job with college (just like me) and his pay barely affording his rent that he wasn't eating. After all he went through when he left, no sympathy for what I've been having to deal with dealing with both our parents and school. Btw, it was our parents' he was running away from, and let's just say they got much worse towards me after he left. He himself even admitted that I got the most corporal punishment and saying "I'm surprised you didn't become a serial killer". When my mom told him what she and I are going through, his response was along the lines of "either put up with or leave" despite knowing I'm on rotations, and rotations are pretty much a full-time job (40 hours a week not including commute time, projects, assignments, and studying). My mom attributes it to brain damage from his motorcycle accident, but honestly, I think he was always like this; his lack of empathy is so much like our parents...like my dad. The only difference is he's always been colder.

The moral of the story I guess: You live what you learn

[myspacebrat]

what are some flaws you could change about yourself:

Features?

Mentally?

Life?

Realized as I was typing that 1, 2, 3 is FML LMAO

how ironic

Oh god, I need a longer list lmao

1. I have a weird insecurity with my nose

2. Wish I didn’t self sabotage, I’m convinced I really am a masochist

3. Wish I was raised by two loving parents instead of a drug addict and narcissist (probably would be doing better mentally lol)

the fml is very fitting! 😭

[c0rsp3]

two posts in one night is crazy