#tw poop jokes...?

[james-vi-stan-blog]

My Favorite Buckingham-James Letter of All Time

October 1624

I shall make you wonder at a resolution I have taken never to enquire more after your health. You can bear me witness, that I have never given credit to those that undertake to have the Philosophers' Stone, especially when they become takers themselves, as my devil hath now proved himself. If he blow as profitably with all the world besides as he hath done with me, he will have little need of the Philosophers' Stone; yet if all be true he hath assured to me, I shall think my four hundred pounds well bestowed. I confess so long as he concealed the means he wrought by, I despised all he said; but when he told me that which he hath given your sovereignship to preserve you from all sickness ever hereafter was extracted out of a turd, I admired the fellow, and for these reasons: that being a stranger to you, yet he had found out the kind you are come of, and your natural affections and appetite, and so, like a skilful man, hath given you natural physic, which is the only means to preserve the radical humour. And thus I conclude: my sow is healthful, and my devils lucky, myself is happy, and needs no more than your blessing, which is my true Philosophers' Stone, upon which I build as on a rock. Your majesty's most humble slave and dog, Steenie.

Modern spelling by David M. Bergeron, in King James and Letters of Homoerotic Desire

[wanderlustqueen-writes]

Hypothesis Number Two

Erwin assigns Hange with a mission: finding a way to bond with Levi. Hange's methods are… unorthodox.

Pairing: Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë

Rating: SFW. Just fluff.

Warnings: Poop jokes?

Aditional Tags: She/Her pronouns for Hange Zoë

Wordcount: 1,9k

“You want me to do WHAT?” Hange’s voice came out squeakier than she anticipated. Then again, the tone was justified, given the absolute ‘nutty as a fruitcake’ nature of the Commander’s request. 

“I said I want you to bond with him,” Erwin’s words were deliberately slow this time. He was standing by her desk in the science laboratory, the light from the candle dancing across his stern face. 

“I heard what you said” Hange replied, her eyes wide open, outstretched hands waving aimlessly at the air in front of her “I just… why? How? How do I even-”

“He’s been here a while but hasn’t made friends with anyone so far.” the commander caught a glimpse of Hange’s eye roll and sighed in response. “I usually stay out of your businesses, but given the nature of what we do, this intervention is necessary. Levi’s raw talent won’t be of much help if he is not able to trust his squad. Or vice-versa. So I need someone to… break the ice. To make him feel more comfortable with the Survey Corps. Someone to bond with him, so others follow suit”

Hange listened carefully to Erwin’s words. Their leader, as usual, had his eyes on an important goal that the others hadn’t seen yet. 

“I understand that, Erwin. But why ask me?” Hange pointed towards herself as if she were a rotten apple at the market stall. “It’s not like I’m someone he is particularly fond of. Hell, he seems to hate me even more than he hates Mike, and I heard that Mike shoved his head into a pool of sewage once!” 

“He did no such thing.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It was a puddle of muddy water. Anyway, I’m asking you because everyone else is scared of him” 

“But-”

“Just think of it as an experiment. What works? What doesn't work? You’ll find out. And if that doesn’t motivate you, just remember that I’m commander and this is an order.” As soon as the last word left the leader’s lips, he turned on his heel and left the room.

Hange stood there for a good ten minutes, awestruck, pondering over what the hell had just happened. She couldn't deny her curiosity about the new captain. He came from a completely different background but his abilities were unmatched, even by the most experienced soldiers. His nonchalance also had some sort of appeal to her, like a mystery waiting to be solved, and it didn’t hurt that he was so easy on the eyes (although she kept that last part to herself). Still, Erwin’s choice was weird. Hange thought that someone more charismatic and generally likable, such as Petra, would be the most obvious person for the job. Was the commander, again, seeing something ahead that was not yet clear to her? Maybe. Probably. But even if that was not the case, Hange wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

She took a bite of that nutty fruitcake and it tasted exciting and sweet. Fair enough. She set by the lab desk and started scribbling on a piece of paper. Let’s get this experiment going!

***

The perfect opportunity to set her plan in motion came up a few days later when they gathered in the mess hall after a particularly tiring training session with the new Special Operations Squad. 

Hange’s plan was… peculiar. She knew that to bond with Levi, she needed to find some common ground with him, but the captain was so damn closed! The only interest she knew he had was neatness. She was halfway through creating a plan to make their cleaning duty schedules coincide when it hit her: he apparently also liked poop talk. Seriously, for someone so obsessed with hygiene, that shorty sure talked a lot about excrement.

Hange ripped the previous plan and started to write down her new ideas. Erwin said she could think of this as an experiment, right? Then It was only right to approach the matter with the scientific method:

Observation: Levi is an introspective shorty who grunts at everyone, cleans obsessively, and talks a lot about feces. Hypothesis: A poop joke will create a moment of positive connection with Levi. Experiment: Tell Levi a good poop joke and observe his reaction.

Then, all she had to do was analyze the results and convey her conclusions to Erwin. It was definitely a bet, but one that might just pay off.

So Hange buried herself in research for two days, until she found the perfect joke and the right way to tell it. There was nothing else to do other than wait for the best opportunity to conduct her experiment, and when the soldiers sat at the mess hall to tell stories and relieve the tension from the training, Hange knew that it had arrived.

They sat facing each other through the small corridor, their backs leaning against the table tops behind them. Moblit, Hange, Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba on one bench, Gunther, Eld, Levi, Petra, and Oluo on the other, all drinking from their jugs, except for the new captain, whose chosen poison was tea.

“... and that’s when I found Oluo lying in a pile of trash behind the bar.” The older soldier scowled as Petra concluded her story. “Come on, Oluo. Don’t be so tedious. You did look pretty funny with that banana peel on your toupé”. Most of the Corps laughed audibly, and even Mike and Nanaba let out a giggle at the ridiculous image.

“What about you, captain? Do you have any funny stories for us?” Petra asked, still laughing a bit while wiping the tears that had accumulated in her eyes. She seemed to be making an effort to put Levi at ease with his new squad. Hange made a note to herself to ask Erwin about that later.

“No,” Levi answered dryly. Then, when he noticed the negative change in the young woman’s facial expression, he elaborated “Not many fun stories where I come from.”

“I have one” Hange raised her arm eagerly, breaking the uncomfortable silence, and, for once, her comrades seemed grateful that she decided to say something. “It’s a poop joke”. 

“Ugh,” Oluo said. From the corner of her eye, she saw Erwin giving her an inquisitive look. On her other side, Moblit had… was that fear on his face? Oh, Come on!

“So, a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods…” Hange started, suppressing the grin that was forcing its way into her lips. She wasn’t the best at telling jokes (always got too excited before the punchline) but she was trying her best this time. She couldn’t let external conditions interfere with the results of the experiment. Her comedic timing needed to be perfect. 

Oluo let out another groan. Was he really disgusted by the mention of feces or was he trying to emulate Levi? He seemed to be doing this a lot these days. Petra elbowed him and smiled at Hange. The rest of the Survey Corps all looked at the squad leader expectantly, some more amused than others, except for Levi, who had his eyes fixed on the teacup he was slowly bringing towards his lips.

“A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods” Hange started over. “After the bear is done with his business, he turns to the rabbit and says “Hey, Rabbit. Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" “‘Well, no. I’m quite used to it” Hange put in extra effort in making believable voices for the characters, which drew some laughter across the tables. Levi remained indifferent, taking a long sip of his tea. Hange continued.“‘Good’, the bear says. Then he grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.”

For one instant, the room went silent, except for the sound of liquid spurring out of Levi's partially closed lips. Hange’s vision got blurry as particles of tea covered her lenses. The wetness of her face was uncomfortable, but she was focused on more pressing matters. Who was sitting directly in front of Levi, again? Crap! The scientist raised the glasses to her forehead and slowly looked to her right side. Like a wax figure, Erwin sat with furrowed brows and clenched lips, completely soaked in the brown liquid. One could believe he was a literal statue, had it not been for the painfully slow rhythm of his breathing, moving his chest up and down. Crap, crap, crap, crap!! As she thought this, a thick drop of tea traced a path down his left eyebrow. Yep. She was in deeper shit than that rabbit. 

Hange’s mind started working at a frantic pace, a whirlwind of synapses preparing the deepest, most heartfelt apology ever, but, then, she noticed something everyone else had caught on before her: Levi. Even Erwin seemed unbothered by the tea bath he had just taken, as he looked at the new captain without blinking. 

Levi was staring blindly at the floor beneath him, his hand frozen, holding the teacup directly in front of his face. His nostrils were dilated and the eyebrows were completely furrowed, but also… twitching? The captain’s lips moved as if he were trying to say something, but no words were coming out of his body. 

“Is he ill?” Someone asked. The voice brought Hange back to the present. 

“Captain, are you okay?” Petra asked, concerned, then turned to look at the scientist “Hange, I think you broke Levi.”

“What is happening?” Erwin’s question was not rhetorical. 

Hange analyzed the captain for a moment, the ambiguity on his expression,  all the twitching and trembling.

“I think he is… deciding?”

As if it recognized the cue, Levi’s expression melted into an audible giggle. A giggle! It was hoarse and higher pitched than Hange anticipated, but most of all, it was adorable. The sound disappeared as fast as it had come, leaving everyone agape.

“Tch. That was disgusting, Four Eyes.” Levi said, with a small grin on his lips. “Do you know another one?”

‎***

A few hours later,  Erwin stopped by Hange’s side as they refilled their jugs.

“Interesting technique,” the commander said, without looking at her. 

“I guess you picked the right person for the job” Hange smirked, then suddenly remembered her question about Petra. “By the way, did you assign this mission to anyone else?”

“No, just to you. How did you know that that would work?”

“Science” Hange winked. Erwin let out an amused puff of air through his nose, then narrowed his eyes. “Was this also part of your plan?” the commander signaled at the brown stain on his shirt.

“Of course not. But I wish it was. That was genius!” The scientist laughed loudly, and the commander himself giggled. 

“Fair enough” Erwin responded, a light smirk still on his lips. “On a completely unrelated note, I’m assigning your squad to the toilet cleaning task for the rest of the month”

“Oh, come on! I was just following your orders” Hange pleaded, but the commander remained silent. “Okay, fine. It was worth it, though.” The scientist said as she walked back to her table. 

As Hange approached her comrades, Levi moved to make room for her on his bench. Erwin observed the quirky squad leader sit by the new captain’s side and smile at him as she said something. The commander’s lips curled to a slight grin. It wouldn’t be long before those two fools began to see what was already clear as day to him. 

[blacktoothcomics]

sometimes i really enjoy facebook.

and if ever i didn't, enjoy facebook that is, i would surely quit its use. :)

[ilooovveeetdi]

my parents are like divorcing or whatever and I went to the bathroom and I started crying.. my dad asked me what was wrong and I couldn't reply cause I didn't wanna say "im taking a massive shit"

[mamajebbun]

Lack of finished art today. Just going to be dramatic for a while the repairmen come to repair things.

[pansy-placebo]

I used to have a dog who'd slowly walk while she shat. We called it her crab/crap walk (depending on the speaker) and it would often lead to long trails of shit going up and down the driveway.

Anyway I'm saying this because I'm pretty sure she made a record breaking/setting poop at one point because of it. It was meters long and unbroken. I wanted to call Guinness world records over it, but my parents forbade it.

I know now that in order to get the record, my parents would have had to pay for it. But. I still think this. I've always wanted a world record at something in the family, and I do think that our dog really had a shot at it. If not longest poop, then at least weirdest dog to ever live, because long poops was the most normal thing she ever did.

[thiefnessman]

welcome to stupid post central our topic for today is this song i thought up while on the elevator. read it to the tune of that call-and-response military song

I don’t mean to be so crass

(I don’t mean to be so crass!)

But I like shitting with my ass

(I like shitting with my ass!)

When my mood is in a slump

(When my mood is in a slump!)

All I need’s to take a dump

(All I need’s to take a dump!)

Sound off (1,2!) Sound off (3,4!)

I like to take A SHIT

[hana-no-seiiki]

Good news. Did some decent progress on What’s Up Danger so you guys will finally get fed this Wednesday! Bad news, the quality might not be the best since I’m fasting while writing it oTL

Anyways, here are some Batfam w/ Cat Villain! Reader moments/snippets.

TW YANDERE AND MENTION OF NONCON/SOMNO

Both Jason and Reader’s first words to each other were, “What the fuck.”

Reader referring to Jason being a giant, and violent asf esp in comparison to Dick. While Jason was confused at his heart beating so fast and mildly crushing on you while you were fighting.

Bonus points: You guys did the spiderman point meme.

You have the biggest age gap with Dick. I headcannon the boys to be close in age so there wouldn’t be any not so good implications when it comes to relationships, but it’s almost unavoidable unless Batman switches sidekicks every year or so. (You are younger than Jason but older than Tim)

But that is also another reason why you two didn’t click as well as you did with Jason

You’d often make jokes or use slang and Dick would just be “???” He tried his best though.

On the reverse side of things, and like I mention before Tim and you got along too well as friends. He’s one of the few people you could gush to about literally any fandom and he somehow (through stalking your searches and literally every gadget/appliance you owned) knew everything about it already.

You two have written several theses on fellow vigilantes and villains (mostly ‘dumb’ ones like who has the best cake based on so and so criteria)

Damian is the best when it comes to bantering with you mid-fight. It’s the combined years of sass and assassin training. Went from plain insults to whole ass (not so) subtly being horny when you beat each other down.

He’s also the worst (best?) when it comes to your nicknames. He insists that you two use it on each other. Some exclusive while others he’s usually fine hearing from other mouths.

There was one point in time where you were called Kitten while the boys forced/bribed you to call them Daddy

Tim and Jason have tattoos of you/related to you.

For Jason it’s your name with a few paw prints, and for Tim it’s when he first fought you (and got his ass whooped)

After Jason came back and revealed himself to you, he tattooed the scratch marks you left him on his back after doing the deed.

Damian secretly practices doing henna so he can draw on you during your “wedding” since he doesn’t want anyone touching you. Sort of defeats the purpose, but go off king.

Being the thorough guy he is, he uses lab equipment to make his own blends.

Bruce? Bruce hates your ass. Sometimes it’s in a hatefuckey way but most of the time he blames you for corrupting his kids.

So he corrupted you in turn.

I feel like he gets off to cucking them honestly (blame that one comic) but if Reader is AFAB I wouldn’t be surprised if he impregnated them.

He’s a softie at heart when it comes to you though, courtesy of your similarities with Selina.

Speaking of, Talia adores you.

Like if there was anyone she would want with her son it was you.

She thinks the fact that you haven’t been put behind bars is a testament to your skill, and after getting over your similarity to her “rival in love” she would actively get you to be with her son.

Eventually she realizes she loves you more than Bruce and well, that’s a story for another fic.

You have at least a dozen trackers on you at all times.

Most of them you’ve ingested and pooped out.

It’s mostly Tim of course. But the duty of actually feeding you that stuff usually goes to Dick.

Dick has uh- somnophillia’ed you a fair bit after the break up.

He really, and I mean really likes to watch you sleep.

It reminds him of those ‘catnaps’ you’d take while watching over the Titans.

There would be times where he’d just be in a daze/in autopilot for hours reminiscing about your past together

His favorite memories to go back to were your first fight together, first kiss, and times under the sheets, and a date you guys had before in a festival/circus.

He never takes the antidote for Poison Ivy’s sex pollen and always comes to you for it, regardless of his or your relationship status.

Tim has at least a million typewritten chats with AI you, and around a few hundred hours of voice chats.

You did eventually take his virginity.

He came as soon as he was inside you/you were inside him.

You have been offered to be a part of the bat crew or a vigilante. But,

you massacred many after Jason’s supposed death and feel too guilty to call yourself anything other than a villain.

Chokers with bells. It’s a popular gift to give you. Especially ones that are custom made with expensive ass materials and engraving.

Sometimes Tim just gives you weapons.

Alfred is your best source of blackmail material.

You’ve actively tried cursing him (with immortality). You love the man.

He’s secretly the president of your official fanclub/fansite but you didn’t hear that from me.

You fight a lot with Damian’s pets. Like in a way that you turn into a literal cat and hiss at them.

And last but not least, you’re vv close with every member of the Teen Titans (besties with Rachel and Garfield)

NOT PROOFREAD!!!

@sophiethewitch1

[seokberry]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ | PEG THAT BOY !! PT.1

how i think riize would react to pegging + how they would act during it :3!

not beta read !! no tw besides nsfw so, don’t like?? do not read!!

read under cut :)

SHOTARO OSAKI

okay, i think this man would have absolutely trust in you, but to be frank , he was shocked !!

it wasn’t something that ever crossed his mind, but he took it as a challenge, “okay, lets do it!”

he probably giggled throughout it the prep, making jokes like, “never thought i would be the one taking it up the ass in this relationship”

he gets overstimulated easily !! he’s never done something like this so you’re probably his first.

would just moan into the pillow as you do your thing, slowly as you ram into him, he enters a deeper sub space.

he would beg you to go slower and them whine when you listen, he’s really audible because he trusts you a lot!!

he lets you know what feels good and where to keep going. he’s the type to be lost in his pleasure he drools. (absentmindedly of course) 👀

i don’t think he’s the bratty type but when he’s not in control, he starts to beg for it

after a lot of heavy breathing, shotaro gave you the ‘okay’ symbol to go. you pulled out slowly, following a long extended moan. his eyes rolled back a bit and he gulped before you pushed back in. shotaro made no signs of discomfort, gradually you increased yhe pace, similarly the noises errupting from shotaro got continuously louder. hes grabbing onto the sheets harder as the thrusts carried on. “please, y/n, don’t stop.” he pleas into the pillow, his bangs are sweaty and sticky to his forehead. his upper body was glued to the bed and his ass held high in the air. you paused momentarily, only to catch your breath, he wore you out with how much he was begging for you to go “faster” and “harder.” you were drenched and sweat, the absence of groin hitting ass left the room filled with heavy breathing between you two, briefly, before you heard another noise from shotaro, “y/n, please. please please please.” each ‘please’ coming out breathier than the other, like a mantra he repeated, “don’t stop, ‘want more. please y/n.” he started grinding his ass up on top of you, for a second, you catch a glimpse of his face. his beautiful eyelashes were long and wet with tears, stains down his cheeks, his lips were slightly parted and his eyebrows were furrowed with focus of grinding, desperate for more pleasure. you awed at the sight, pressing your chest against his back before you started to ram into him again, and the room exploded with a million noises.

SONG EUNSEOK

we all know eunseok blushes at everything, but to say he blushed very hard is an understatement.

when you asked eunseok what he thought of pegging, he looked at you confused? what?

part of him thought you felt unfulfilled and wanted to try new thing to spice up your sex life and you quickly reassured him.

after some back and forth and some researching, he agreed, under the condition if he didn’t like it, to not ask for it again. he said that, to be frank, because he only used his ass for pooping and he intended to keep it that way

i think he would be shy and ask to do backshots at first because he is embarrassed to be seen right now, after you pushed in the tip of your strap however, he quickly begged for you to switch to missionary, holding your hand.

he took a couple deep breaths in and began to stare up at the ceiling, relaxed until you started moving, in which his other hand (that wasn’t holding yours) started to grip the sheets, seconds later his knuckles were white.

he tries to conceal his moans and sounds by biting down on bottom lip or putting a pillow in front of his face.

“eunseok baby, how am i supposed to know what you like if you’re hiding your face from me?” you teased, pillows are opaque but you swore you could see through the pillow and see him turning even more red. you pulled the pillow down from his face to see his big eyes staring at you, his eyes shiny with tears with a woeful expression that could fool anyone into thinking he just cried tears of sadness. his embarrassment shined through faster than you thought and he turned his head to the side, “please continue.” you smiled, in which he side eyed you before looking at the wall again. you did an experimental thrust and watches the life get sucked out of his body, a moan slipping by. “why are you hiding all these pretty noises from me” eunseok pulled the pillow back up to his face “its embarrassing.” he said sheepishly and through teeth, you never thought you would see this side of him. “fine. i’m not moving then until you promise you won’t hide your moans from me” eunseok looked back at you with an expression that you could only be interpreted with sadness and confusion. you pulled away and held up a pinky. “pinky swear?” he looks at you with a ‘are you serious right now’ face and bites back a “are you seriously gonna make me pinky swear during sex?” you pout at that “do i look like i’m joking?” he rolls his eyes at you and pinky swears, you smile and clean forward, his ears close your face in which you promptly whisper “good boy.” you kisses him on the lips, and pulled back. your hands landed in his inner thighs, soon following the wind getting kicked out of eunseok’s lungs, as the air filled with begs, pleas, whimpers, and a couple “i love you”`s.

JUNG SUNGCHAN

I think we need to hold the dom!sungchan agenda a bit because this man is a huge softie!!

he would seriously do anything for you—even if he looks you dead in the eye with his jaw on the floor when you ask.

he would probably let out a “what?” with a stutter and out his hand to his face, covering his mouth. imagining a bunch of lewd positions before you clear your throat and snap him back into reality.

he trusts you a lot !! this whole ordeal you’re gonna need to craddle (his 186cm) self ! he’s gonna ask for skin to skin at all times.

i imagine his first moan he has slips accidentally, its loud and drawn out as you push inside him, before he swiftly moves his hand over his mouth.

he keeps his eyes lidded but they close and sudden high peaks of pleasure.

he probably puts arms out for you to hug him while you thrust into him.

he tried his best containing his moans but once he feels good and he realizes it isn’t so scary, he lets it all go, he is probably a huge talker too.

he probably likes being kissed during it, kissing and moaning in between sloppy kisses,

likes being praised during it ….

“sungchan, you take me so well, you’re so good for me.” you say in between kisses, you look up and make contact with sungchan’s eyes, they’re filled with lust and need, completely fucked out. his mouth hangs open and he looks like he cannot form a coherent thought, drool begins to collect at the corner of his lips. “you make me feel so good, please don’t stop.” he whimpers out muffled in a low voice, he pulls you back in and continues clawing your back and clinging on for dear life as you increase your pace. the room smells like sweat, thighs hitting one another echoes across the room, and little ah’s escape between every breath of sungchan’s mouth from his turnt back head, his adam’s apple shaking and on display. “am i being good for you?” he asks suddenly, lifting his head down to make eye contact with you, you respond with a kiss on the forehead. firmly, you wrap your hand around the base of his cock, resulting in a choked out moan from sungchan, the touch sending electricity through his back, making his head throw back up even farther to the ceiling. “very good, keep being good for me so i can let you cum. you wanna cum right.” when he doesn’t respond right away you pump his cock faster, swirling under the tip to massaging the slit. sungchan nods eagerly and lets out very high pitched moans, “i’m sosososososo close, can i? please?” he barely manages to let that out, overtaken by overstimulation. he looks at you with puppy eyes, tears streaming down his face, how could you say no? you lean forward and leave a kiss behind his ear, with a small “yes.”

a/n: sooooo!!! first post :) lmk what u all think , inboxes, notes, reblogs are all appreciated! this is my first time posting on tumblr (be nice to me or i will cry) SORRY FOR ALL TYPOS AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS i wrote this all in one day :,)…. ANYWAYS i hoped you enjoyed, pt2 w/ wonbin + maknae line coming maybe Wednesday ?? 🫣 also sorry if this formatting is ugly tehwudhs

[tropes-and-tales-archives]

Whistle Down the Wind, Chapter Two

Word Count:  2698

TW:  Pining, unrequited love, angst.

AN:  Part of a series.  The series masterlist here.

Sonny’s first month at SVU came and went.  It was rocky at first, and he was only willing to take some of the blame for it. Sure, he could be brash sometimes. He put his foot in his mouth more often than he wished – it was a family trait.  But the people of SVU were a tightly knit family, and he struggled to find an in-road with them at first.  They weren’t very friendly to outsiders.  Fresh zeppole didn’t work.  The best pizza in Manhattan didn’t work either.

He couldn’t talk to his parents about it.  Neither his father nor his mother agreed with his career choice, and if he complained to them, they’d just try to convince him to quit and move back to Staten Island to work at his uncle’s towing company.  

He couldn’t talk to his sisters about it.  He wasn’t that close with his two older ones, Gina and Theresa.  And Bella had her own stuff going on.  She and Tommy had gotten a place in Chelsea and were trying to figure out their life together.

He tried to talk to his girlfriend Nicole about it.  He usually staggered to her place, dead tired after work, looking for comfort. 

When he first started his tour through the SVU departments of the five boroughs, he tried to talk to her about the cases he was handling:  the rapes, the assaults, and abuse against children. She wrinkled her nose at him and complained that it was too unpleasant to hear, and he understood that.  He tried to talk to her about the problem of fitting at Manhattan’s SVU, but she just shrugged.

“You can quit when you pass the bar,” she replied, scrolling through her phone. “Then you can make a real salary too.”

So he texted you.

He wished his life wasn’t so hectic; he wished he could see you more often. You were a great listener, and you gave the best advice for someone so young.  You had helped him with his decision to enroll in law school – in fact, you had been his biggest fan and supporter.  Early on, you had even helped him study, sitting cross-legged on his couch and drilling him with questions before midterms or finals.  But he had met Nicole shortly thereafter, and she had pointed out that it was weird for a single guy to be such close friends with a single girl.  So he had drawn away a bit, and his life took over. 

But he still texted you.

Struggling at new precinct, he typed.  Co-workers don’t like me.  What should I do?

Quit your job, came the response.  My cover band needs some eye-candy to dance on stage while we play.  We can pay you in exposure.

Sonny grinned and watched his phone as you wrote out something more serious.

Just be patient, stretch. You’re smart and great at your job. They’ll come around.  No one can resist that Carisi charm, even the jaded film noir detectives in Sex Crimes.  I’ll send you a playlist to help pump you up.

This is why you’re the best, he typed.  Thanks for the pep talk.  Lunch next weekend?

He watched as the dots indicating that you were responding appeared on his screen, then disappeared, then appeared again.  But all that came through was the word, absolutely.

He replied with a date and time that you confirmed, then signed off by thanking you again.  You signed off with the poop emoji, an inside joke between the two of you because you’d spent your first year with a smart phone thinking it was a chocolate ice cream emoji.  That was something else that Sonny liked about you – you had a great sense of humor, and you were always able to laugh at yourself.

The smile on his face faded.  He deleted the string of messages between the two of you, then went to join Nicole in bed.  He felt a tiny pang of guilt to have been texting you while his girlfriend waited for him, but you were just a friend.  He thought that if he could just get Nicole to spend some time with you, she’d see that you were a great person and not a threat at all.

After all, how many friends took the time to create amazing, personalized playlists that perfectly captured the moment?  Over the years, you must have sent him a hundred different playlists: one for his graduation from the academy, one for law school studying, one for his workouts.  One for when his dad had a heart attack, one for when his nonno died.

He only deleted the messages because Nicole had gone through his phone once. Not that there was anything to hide from her.  But he didn’t want the hassle of another fight.

********

You waited at the restaurant for Sonny for half an hour before you just went ahead and ordered.  While you waited for your food, you texted him.  A reply came halfway through your sandwich – an apology.  He had deleted the original message, he said, and completely forgot.

You felt a pang but played it off.  Of course you were forgettable.  

He apologized three more times before promising to make it up to you. You told him about a performance you had in the coming week.  You were a guest performer with the Gramercy Chamber Orchestra and would be performing the cello for Schubert’s Arpeggione Sonata, one of the harder pieces for your preferred instrument.  You were nervous – and you rarely got nervous during performances.

Can I bring Nic? He texted.  I’d love for the two of you to get to know each other better.

Your mind immediately started to go to the meanest place (assuming that someone like Nicole wouldn’t be able to tell Schubert from Shostakovich), but you pushed those thoughts down.  It was completely unfair to stereotype, and you felt like a terrible feminist.  Just because she was gorgeous and well put-together didn’t mean she wasn’t nice or smart.  Or a music lover.  

You knew that part of your judgement came from your childhood.  Your mother had been a winner on the midwest beauty pageant circuit, and she had tried to transition to the role of stage mother once she married and had you.  That’s how your musical talents had been discovered so early, and that’s what won you more titles than you really deserved, but once you were old enough to rebel, you did.  It could have been fun – you saw plenty of fellow contestants with their mothers or aunts, laughing and genuinely enjoying the experience.  Not you though.  Your mother was too focused on winning for either of you to have any fun.  Even when you won, she still picked apart your performance until you felt tiny.

You kept up with the music lessons.  You abandoned the lessons in how to walk and smile around fake teeth. Your mother, in return, criticized you at every turn.  Your poor posture.  Your lack of care about hair or makeup.  Even when you found your own sort of aesthetic – eyeliner on regular days, a signature red lipstick for events – it wasn’t the right kind of makeup.  She even criticized the way you walked.  A lifetime of internalized judgement about beauty was sure to make you skeptical about Sonny’s girlfriend.  

The jealousy over the fact that she was Sonny’s girlfriend probably didn’t help.

You needed to be nicer, you chided yourself.  Maybe Nicole was a perfectly lovely person and you weren’t giving her a chance. Maybe instead of being jealous and giving in to your baser instincts, you could be kinder and expect something nice to come of it, like a new friendship.

Sure, you typed back.  Bella and Tommy will be there too. I’ll get two more tickets.

You explained to him how nervous you were and what a huge honor it was to play this piece, especially with a group of professional musicians who were world renowned.

It’ll be nice to have another friendly face in the audience, you told him.

Once you got through this performance, then you could focus on befriending Sonny’s girlfriend.

********

Sonny had the entire evening planned.  First, he’d cook dinner for him and Nicole, then they’d go to your musical thing.  Afterwards, drinks to celebrate:  him and Nicole, Bella and Tommy, and you.  He was determined to make you and Nicole be friends.  He wanted you in his life, and he wanted his girlfriend to know that you were a friend – and nothing more.

Dinner was a disaster.  He made chicken parmesan and risotto, but Nicole only picked at it.  She scraped the breading off of the chicken and refused the risotto altogether.

“It’s nothing but carbs and fat,” she complained.  

“Sorry,” Sonny said, ducking his head.  “I can bake you another chicken breast.”  He stood up and preheated the oven, popping another piece of chicken into a dish, seasoning it with just a bit of olive oil and salt and pepper.

Once it was cooked, he slid it on her plate and she gave him one of her brilliant white smiles.  “Thanks, babe.”

“No problem.”  He sat back down and finished his own meal, now cold.  “I’m looking forward to going out tonight.  I think you’ll really like her once you get to know her.”

Nicole rolled her eyes.  “I’m not really into classical music,” she said.  “Can’t we go to that new bar in Tribeca?”

Sonny gathered up the dishes and started loading the dishwasher.  “It’s important to her.”  He glanced over at his girlfriend and watched her stick out her lower lip in a pout.  “Maybe we can head to that bar afterwards,” he added.  “All of us can check it out.”

Nicole stood up and came to stand behind him.  “Yeah, a double date with a fifth wheel,” she muttered.  Sonny felt her snake her arms around his waist, and he leaned back a bit against her.  “Or we could just stay in and make it a regular date with just the two of us…” she added, trailing a hand down his front until she was cupping him through his pants.

“Nic,” he said, trying to make his voice stern.  He could feel himself responding to her brusque strokes, and he glanced up at the clock on the microwave.  “Well, we have a little time before we have to leave,” he finally conceded.  

********

You calmed your nerves the same way you always did:  you visualized yourself, alone, in deep, cool water. Surrounded by nothing but dark blue water.  Just you, floating in the cold and dark.  No sound – at first.  Then, as you surrendered to the cool and dark, the first notes of the piece you were about to play.  

No one else, nothing else existed.  Just you and the music.  No matter what, it was always you and the music.

When you strode out onto the stage in your sharp women’s tuxedo, your low heels clicking across the boards, you didn’t hear the applause.  You didn’t see Bella and Tommy in the second row, or the two empty seats beside them.  All you saw was your cello waiting for you and the slight smile on the conductor’s face.  This was the last piece of the evening.  The main event.

You took your seat, taking your cello and bow in your hands.  You felt like a witch sometimes with the instrument as your familiar.  A wholly living thing that you could work with your will.  And, in turn, it enchanted you.

Once you were settled, you gave the conductor the faintest of nods.  Then you began.

The musicians behind you were amazing.  The allegro flew by, and you almost fumbled on the adagio but didn’t. By the time the allegretto began, you and the cello were essentially one creature.  It was a sort of magic you could never put into words.

When the final notes faded and the conductor dropped his arms, you were startled back to reality by the thunderous applause.  You blinked against the lights and then blinked again as the conductor laughed at you and gestured for you to stand.  When you did, the audience stood up.  Then you were blinking away tears too and grinning so wide that your mouth hurt.

You found Bella in the audience and gave her your patented half-shrug, as if to ask, “not too bad?”  Tommy, looking uncomfortable in a button-down shirt and blazer, shot you two thumbs up.

It wasn’t until your gaze drifted to the two empty seats beside them that your smile fell.

When you went backstage to gather up your stuff (and receive congratulations from the professional musicians, which made you almost giddy from praise), you checked your phone.  No missed texts or calls from Sonny.  He probably got called in to work.  It happened more often now that he was with SVU, and you’d never hold that against him. His job was stressful enough without you piling on.

You met Bella and Tommy in the lobby, and you went out for a drink.  They couldn’t stay long – Tommy had curfew for his parole – but a couple of drinks were fine.

“You were so good!” Bella said, pulling you into a hug.  “I’ve never heard that much applause at any of your events before.”

Tommy nodded over his soda.  “I didn’t know the music, but it sure sounded great,” he agreed.

You sipped your own beer.  “I can’t thank you enough for coming,” you told them both.  You felt the usual tears of your post-performance high start to prickle behind your eyelids.  “I was so nervous.”

“I’m just sorry Sonny missed it,” Bella sighed.  You nodded and took another swallow of beer.

“Yeah, well…” you trailed off for a moment before continuing.  “Since he went to the Sex Crimes precinct, he’s been getting called in all the time.”

Tommy snorted.  “Sure,” he started, but Bella slapped his arm, and he focused on the tabletop.  You looked back and forth between them. 

“What?” you asked.  Bella sighed and Tommy looked up at you, sheepish.

“He sent Bella a text while you were backstage after the performance,” he replied, his face turning red.  “Let’s just say that he was committing sex crimes instead of investigating them.”

“What?” you asked again, confused.  

Bella sighed, louder.  “He and Nicole decided to stay in for a, uh…romantic night in.  Or so he told me in not so many words.”

“Oh.”  The buzzy feelings from your success dissipated in an instant, replaced by a burning jealousy. And, along with it, anger.

“He said he was going to try and stop by once we settled in at a bar,” Bella added gently, trying to soften the blow.  “I texted him when we got here, and he’ll be on his way soon.”

You shook your head and finished the rest of your beer.  “Text him back and tell him not to come.  I’m celebrating tonight.”  You flagged a waitress down and ordered three shots, which were promptly delivered to the table.

“I can’t drink…” Tommy started, and Bella cut him off.

“We need to get home before his curfew…” she said, but you talked over her too.

“These are for me,” you said.  You threw all three shots back, one after the other.  “I’m celebrating tonight.”  You ignored the look that passed between Bella and her boyfriend. You ordered more shots, then scanned the bar.  When the shots came, you downed those too.

“I’ll catch up with you later, Bella,” you said.  You pulled first her, then Tommy in for hugs, then waved them off. They gave each other that look again, but you ignored that too.  You shooed them away until they left, reluctantly, and only after you promised to text Bella when you were home safely.

You shouldn’t be so picky, Sonny had told you once. 

Too right, stretch, you replied in your head.  You made eye contact with a guy at the bar who gave you a brief smile and a nod.  You made your way over to him and let him buy you a drink.  And then another.  And another. Because you were celebrating tonight.

[r-0-x-4-s]

so... i watched tottmnt and i didn't love it

also why isnt this show being hated on whaaaat, every tmnt show has to go through the initial hate, thats like the law /hj

tw opinions under the cut

it just felt so... empty?? i dont really know how to explain it but, the lack of brothers interacting and anything ninja related, kinda made me frown

why did it feel nothing like a tmnt show??? my brother said "it looks like it took some ideas from rottmnt and just... made it worse", and in a way i agree? its like, in a way, this show wants to please everyone but doesn't have the balls to go full original and new like rise did...

i was very optimistic about it before its release, the turtles in high-school is something i dreamed of when i was a child! AND THE SHOW JUST BLUE BALLED ME??? I GET JUST SOME MENTION ABT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IN SCHOOL BUT ITS NEVER SHOWN AND THAT MAKES ME GRRRR

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY FFS, doing something none of the show before had ever done but nooooo u get two mini arcs

and lets talk about these arcs:

bishop arc: i really liked the general plot of this one ok, but since the first ep i could see one of the main problems with tottmnt, EACH EP IS ABT A SINGLE TURTLE retelling their version of what happened in the same moment, that could be cool, BUT THAT MEANS THE BROTHERS INTERACT WITH EACHOTHER IN ONLY 2 EPISODES CIRCA

AND I HATE IT SM!

also why does everyone kinda have the same personality (by this i mean cus they react basically the same in every situation, apart if there's a computer/something technological, then donnie would use it/the other 3 would say something abt like "donnie could use it")

and they are so chill abt their problems (leo's self worth issues, raph's anger issues) ? like everything is so lighthearted and they already know how to deal and therapy talk??

i wonder how they will get to grow as characters cus as of now, they are already way more mature than any other tmnt version???

goldfin arc:... so???? IM TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY ABT IT REAL HARD, maybe it will come to me later so lets start with things i despise abt the show!

uno: I HATE THAT THEY PAIRED EACH OTHER WITH A "COUSIN", I WANT MY TURTLES INTERACTING WITH EO

deux: i hate that they have "cousins" 😭 why is every character related to them (tbf this was already from the movie so u can just ignore it) it makes the world sm smaller and takes out so many known villains... also i hate scum sm, also shes the turtles' cousin too so her relationship with splinter is kinda even weirder

(tbf it could be that i hate the cousins thing after i came back from my vacation surronded by my huge family, AND HAVING TO SPEND SO MANY DAYS WITH MY SO FUCKING MANY COUSINS)

три: the way that the stories are told, apart that it makes it look like nothing is canon? ive seen many fans confused about it, but i think that both stories actually happened. the only reason i dont like it is cus... it clashes with the choice of having a single turtle each ep so hard

like whats the point of starting the arc with a turtle narrating, but the next ep it will be focused on someone else?? and then ending it with the first one closing it like as if he had been the one talking all the time

quatro: uhhh by this time i found things i like so i want to talk about them too, but! i feel like this arc is so much worse than the bishop one and horrible for a closure.

the enemies are uhhhhh something, the stakes are lower than my will to live and we get poop jokes too <3

cinco: WHY DOES THE INTRO NOT HAVE LYRICS, EVERY TMNT INTRO IS A BANGER, THATS THE RULE!! U CANT BREAK IT OMG

six: WHERE IS MONDO GECKO, THE ONLY COUSIN I LIKED AND WANTED TO SEE MORE OF

sept: this leo isnt leoing and april's personality just being "girl with the phone and recording"

восемь: DONNIE AND MIKEY ALWAYS REFERENCING TO RANDOM AMERICAN PEOPLE OR OTHER POP CULTURE THINGS, I UNDERSTOOD 6% OF THEIR JOKES

by the second arc my brother started loudly sighing and glare at me every time donnie/mikey would make a "joke" we wouldn't understand, i started beating him to feel something

NOW THE STUFF I LIKED ABOUT THE SHOW

one: THE ANIMATION IS GREAT! im not the biggest fan of the artstyle but thats my personal bias, i like it being 2d! (i still like rise's animation and fluidity more, but THAT studio is impossible to beat, im still destroyed they dropped lmk <\3)

due: i liked the detective that hated birds, he brought a chaotic energy no one has in this show

três: THERE WASNT ANY APRILN4RDO THANK FUCKING GOD (i wrote this but then my brother made me notice the murales and now idk if i should take this out or myself)

четыре: i love hun and him being an animal activist is the cutest

and thats it ig?

tldr: i think its a mid series, it does nothing remarkably bad but it doesnt do anything remarkably good.

i finished and it left me nothing (it left me longing for more of rise actually)

though, its early to say it cus we have just 12 episodes! ofc i hope it will get better!!

(ALSO BEFORE SOMEONE SAYS ANYTHING ABT TARGET AUDIENCE, I WASNT EVEN IN THE RISE ONE AND I ENJOYED IT JUST FINE

also WHAT CHILD WOULD WATCH THIS OVER SOMETHING HYPERACTIVE AS RISE??? OR EDGY AS 2012/2003??? OR FUNKY AS 1987???)

also im autistic abt tmnt but in particular abt leonardo, i dont like this leo = my enjoyment of the show is very low

so until they get leo's character right, i will have spite in me

[gorkloum]

TW!!!!!: sensitive themes (stupid joke about unaliving of self)

Re-watching "Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei" with my friend, have to draw this stupid poop (or it will haunt me):

(don't spoiler. i beg you, my friend is reading my blog)

[pandapupremade]

TW: unreality, distorted/ glitching visuals, repeating visuals, prolonged eye contact / scopophobia

i saw a post relating youtube poops to f/os and i remembered this existed and this is my favorite part of the video and so. i feel this is relatable in waiting for your f/o to appear in their source. (original video, please be wary watching it bc yknow. ytps and their distorted loud audio and bad jokes. i claim none of the editing except lazily putting "f/o" over Joe.)

[dreamperson-poll]

Sentient Possessed Bathroom

dreamed by @kirbee-hd

An evil bathroom possessed by some kind of malicious spirit. Once someone uses the bathroom they will die shortly after.

TW: Death

In the dream me and my family were watching some crappy horror spoof movies. The premise was about a bunch of people who angered a spirit who now haunted their only bathroom. The spirit made it so that they can't use this bathroom as if they do they'll die shortly after. The movie obviously had a bunch of poop and fart jokes, and no one in the movie was taking survival literally. As the movie went on things started to be taken more and more seriously, and the movie became more and more real. The movie got so real that me and my family became part of the movie, and the set morphed into my house. Once the final character was killed off my family members suddenly disappeared. I was alone, and the worse part? I needed to use the bathroom.

[toastandnoodles]

I posted 8,828 times in 2022

That's 7,005 more posts than 2021!

213 posts created (2%)

8,615 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ur-bro

@abysswarlock

@fart-poop-daily

@alphaweeb

@a-fine-lady

I tagged 1,230 of my posts in 2022

#march loves the ocean - 179 posts

#save for later - 178 posts

#sonia reblogs for sophie - 93 posts

#creechur posting - 79 posts

#river avert thine gaze - 73 posts

#pokeposting - 37 posts

#march needs reminders - 31 posts

#tw vent - 27 posts

#sonia loves stims - 19 posts

#vent tw - 19 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#there was a guy watching basketball on the bus really loudly the other day and the squeaking of those damn shoes made me want to punch him

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Wobbledogs is the only game where I'm okay with animals dying because their little animations are just so funny and sometimes they come back as ghosts

10 notes - Posted May 27, 2022

#4

I think there should be more gay people actually

12 notes - Posted May 17, 2022

#3

Gotta be honest the childhood trauma is really getting to me tonight folks

13 notes - Posted August 2, 2022

#2

I really think people need to stop thinking of fat as a dirty word. I make jokes about being a fat person at work all the time and the response I get almost every time is either a pity laugh or an "awwww you're not fat!" in a different pitying way and it's like. Yes I am??? And that's fine??? Bodies are neutral the word fat is only an insult if you think fat bodies are a sign of moral failure

23 notes - Posted July 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

If you're still a Harry Potter fan keep that to yourself please. JKR literally said she thinks a majority of her fans agree with her political views, so unless you'd like to support an anti-semitic racist transphobe, I'd recommend not consuming her content. If you absolutely must, keep it to yourself. I cannot stress that enough. She views your engagement with Harry Potter as tacit endorsement of her views. Stop it.

520 notes - Posted April 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nonbinaryezrabridger]

Unsanitary tw

Wearing one of those annoying “I pooped today” joke shirts but as a serious and legit brag because I have been fighting constipation and it is not only winning but kicking my ass