#tw: ptsd symptoms

[specialagent836]

10. Does your muse have nightmares? What about?

>Yes. He does. He has nightmares about the things done to him while he was a kid. He also has a more recent one that popped up after having a building dropped on him and Croagunk. The event that caused his OG partner to die. He has another reoccurring nightmare from the first time he encountered an ultra beast as well. Most of them stem from him having PTSD of these things still. That and all are associated with deaths.

[warm-autumn-evenings]

*through tears* I BELONG HERE. ON THIS EARTH AMONG OTHERS. I BELONG JUST AS MUCH AS THE NEXT PERSON. I DESERVE TO BE ALIVE. I AM JUST AS GOOD AND BAD AS EVERYONE ELSE. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED. I DESERVE TO BE FREE.

[traumatizedjaguar]

Abusers never getting their story straight:

I spoke to one abuser who said that he wasn’t an abuser because he lacked self awareness about his behaviors during the time he abused women he had relationships with. So being mentally ill let him off the hook for abusive behaviors. But he still had a right to get revenge and abuse people in extreme ways who minorly hurt him as I was given details of those situations… but nobody has a right to hurt him back.

I spoke to one abuser who claimed he wasn’t the only abuser in the relationship and that him and his ex gf were 50/50 when it came to splitting up the role of being the abuser. So he went on to tell us in the chat that it’s a good thing bc now it’s a “fun” war where he’s justified in doing whatever he wants to his ex girlfriend and nobody can talk him into thinking differently. I asked for details and he told us, so fucking clearly, that his ex-gf just reacted to his abuse…. He drove her “crazy” basically.

I talked to another abuser that said he had NPD and his ex had CPTSD, OCD and BPD and he laughed about how they “made a beautiful mess of everything” when they dated. Red flag. From all the details, he had no self awareness of describing that he abused her first, but he thought “so what” bc “she’s bad too”, dragged her through horrible and stressful situations, justifying it bc “he had childhood trauma” causing her to react to him in such intensity and horrible behaviors back. He blamed her BPD and his NPD saying they were both abusers, but everything he described had absolutely nothing to do with her BPD, and more so to do with his treatment of her, and her simple reaction to that which can get either confused or overlap with BPD symptoms coming out. Why not blame her CPTSD? CPTSD had a lot of symptoms about flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, even anger issues sometimes and when she displays these symptoms why is that not automatic “she’s the abuser” with the CPTSD? Why not blame her OCD? Anxiety around loved ones too. He admitted without realizing it probably that he gaslit her and she did not gaslight him; he gaslighted her in extreme ways I was concerned that he will never change his way of thinking.

I’m spoke to another abuser who said he kept pushing a girl into a relationship and would never leave her alone and didn’t count this as emotional abuse and potential stalking. She non stop would run from him and tell him to get away and stop bothering her. He genuinely believed coercion isn’t abusive if he spread out his coercive behavior over the course of months as in: “coerce her for 3-5 minutes, then leave her alone, repeat for months every other week or so”. Which made no sense like “people change their minds especially if every week I can come up with something good to get her to turn her no into a yes”. He harassed her, stalked her, and coerced her into things she didn’t want to do and claimed she abused him when she reacted so badly to him one day at school and embarrassed him in front of all their classmates. Which he said he had a right to get revenge on her and bully her for embarrassing him; obviously he does not have a right to abuse her because he abused her first, she reacted and told him off in front of everybody, then he claimed to be a victim.

Mutual abuse is non-existent.

[waywardtyrantpirate]

God, I wanna cry so bad. I was doing laundry today and my brain keeps saying that I drank the wrong amount of drinks in between loads an now I can't apply for jobs but I really need to apply for jobs. I'm literally going insane. But my brain says that if I do that then *something really bad, a very specific and horrible intrusive thought* will happen an itll be all my fault bc im evil.

Anybody else relate???

[mycptsdstory]

So I found something out about trauma and how it affects us physically, not just mentally.

FND and fibromyalgia CAN BE caused from trauma.

It's not well studied FND and fibromyalgia, but people from Reddit, on here and the people who I talked to in person, all had trauma in some way.

I don't have both, but it is real.

Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.

[universestreasures]

Shadow Checkmate (Drabble)

For @shachou

Chess. It was the first game Nii-sama ever taught me, the one that made me really love gaming. I'm not very good at it. Nowhere near as good as my brother. But...when I play it with him, it makes me so happy! It's a lot of fun to try and beat him, even if I always lose.

It used to be something we'd do every day, with other kids at the orphanage watching us. But...we don't play chess anymore. We haven't since we moved into this house.

Our stepfather says Nii-sama has more important things to do than to play with me, something about needing to work hard. That's why I don't see him most days. I only see him at dinner once in a while or at a fancy party I get to go to. Other times, I'm told he's too busy studying with his teachers, even if I ask nicely.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I miss the days when he read me stories about dragons and wizards. I miss the days when he'd tuck me into bed. I miss the days when we played chess for fun all day. I miss the days we were together.

With him not around, I've gotten lonely and bored. That means I've had to make new ways to have fun, like Nii-sama and I always used to do. That's why I made a new game, a new game I can play that makes me feel like I'm playing it with him.

It's called Shadow Checkmate.

The rules are the same as regular chess, except you don't need a second person to play. All you need is yourself and your shadow. Though, I don't have any chess pieces. I've had to use things in my room, like buttons or pencils, instead. I drew the board out on a piece of paper, one side for the 'white' pieces and one side for the 'black'. I use the black ones like I always do, and my shadow uses the white.

I take my turns, and then I move my shadow's pieces for it. Though, when I play, I don't see or hear my shadow playing with me. I hear and see my brother. For he is always by my side, like a shadow, even if he isn't here.

"Good move, Mokie!" I'd hear him say, my brother's voice echoing in my head.

"Better luck next time, kiddo." He'd tell me after he'd win, like he always does.

"Let's play again!" That is what he'd say after each game, always wanting to play more.

I'd play Shadow Checkmate for hours and hours. I'd play so much to the point I'd fall asleep right there on the floor. It was fun and made me feel like, even just for a while, that I wasn't trapped in this stupid house. When I was back home with Nii-sama, smiling and playing together like we always did.

-------------------

I find myself coming back to that little game I made rather recently, playing it wherever Nii-sama happens to be. In his hospital room. In his bedroom. Even outside in the mansion's garden when the doctors allow me to take him out. Wherever he is, and we'd have a moment, we'd play, just like we used to.

I'd set up the pieces, proper chess pieces his time. His were white, and mine were black. And since I long since memorized all of his moves, I gently guide his hands to the pieces, helping him move them into place. Of course, I always lose. But...unlike the last time I lost a game, I don't get yelled at or punished for losing, even if I somehow always get a little shaken when his voice in my mind echos "checkmate."

It was nice to have him here, not looking at me so coldly, at least physically. For he can't move or can't talk right now. Like this, he really had become my shadow, always there next to me, but unable to react to anything I say, outside of what I make up in my head. The real him was off rebuilding the puzzle of his heart, according to Yugi, whatever that meant.

But I promised to wait for him, and wait for him I did. Each and every day for over half a year. I played many games with him, maybe in hopes that by doing so he'd come back, but nothing had changed. And unlike when I was little, I wasn't smiling as much during these games. It didn't help ease my loneliness. If anything, it made me feel sadder. For my Nii-sama was right in front of me, and yet...it still wasn't who I was waiting for. It wasn't who I wanted to be with more than anything. It wasn't who I wanted to say "I love you, Mokuba" for real instead of in my head.

It wasn't my big brother, the person I wanted to play chess for real with.

-------------------

I played a lot of chess with my friends while I've been at Tasuku's place. All four of them took turns playing with me, me winning against Gao and Akatsuki and me losing to Suzuha and Tasuku. I tried my best to put my all into these games, but...my heart just wasn't in. It was like I was zoning out most of the time, stuck in my own head and unable to focus on what was in front of me.

Whoever I played against, I would always see Nii-sama instead. Instead of their voices, I'd hear his, encouraging me or congratulating me on a win. It was no different than playing Shadow Checkmate all over again, except this time I didn't have to move the other pieces.

The more we played as the weeks went on, the more I kept thinking. Will I get to play chess with the real Nii-sama ever again? Will I get to ever see him again? Will he ever want to see me again? Will he...will he send me back to the orphanage, since I liked it there so much? Will I be forced to play with shadows of him made by my mind, something i did when I had no choice, forever?

My fears engulfed my shadows, transforming the images of my brother I saw during these games now, just like how he appeared in my nightmares. His voice changed too, encouraging words now distorted into the anger-filled rage he experienced that night that had been echoing in my mind since they happened as if they'd never shut up.

"I will not entertain this nonsense any longer!"

"You want no part of this ? Fine. Do as you wish."

" This conversation is over."

I put my hands over my ears as they get louder, dropping my chess pieces in the process as my eyes shut tight and tears start to flow. Tasuku and my friends come to my side to comfort me, but I can't hear them. All I can hear and see is my shadow growing into my brother, towering over me like his dragon, before detaching himself from me and leaving me alone.

All alone.

Forever.

-------------------

Here I am. Sitting alone inside a room in this mansion, this time my brother's room, playing Shadow Checkmate once again with the makeshift pieces I made when I was five. I know I don't have to play this anymore. I had friends I could play with. I had employees I could play with. Hell, if I wanted to, I could make an AI version of my brother to play with.

But...for some reason, I chose this way instead. Maybe it was because it felt nostalgic. Maybe it was because it had worked in the past into fooling myself he was actually here. For unlike all the other times before, my brother isn't here in this dimension. He's off somewhere I can't get to. Somewhere, I don't know if he'll ever return from.

As I move my pieces into place, following suit by moving my shadows, I try to not think so hard. I want to lose myself in my fantasies. I want to escape for even just a moment, to remind myself that everything is okay and that my brother is still with me!

And yet...this time, there was nothing. No voice. No sound. No image. It was just me. Me, myself, and I. The reality of it all was too real to suppress, for no trace of my brother was left in this world other than his cards, his possessions, and my memories and mementos. I wasn't a little kid anymore who could distract myself with self-made images of what I wanted to see.

I had grown up, meaning this game...was no longer what I needed it to be anymore.

I threw all of the game pieces to the side in a swipe, gritting my teeth in frustration as I huffed and puffed. I hate this! Why wasn't it working anymore? Can't I just have a moment, even just a second of peace? The peace I thought would always be there?!

We promised each other we wouldn't ever be separated. We promised we'd always stick together. We promised we'd always be a team. And yet, just like in my visions from the past, he's left my side, my shadow seemingly nonexistent as I turn my back to look.

For there was no light to guide me. No light to warm me. No light to guide me. Nii-sama is my light. He always has been, and without him...I feel...

I feel incomplete, like part of my soul is missing; a part I need to live lest I be cast down back into the sea of despair that had almost drowned me so many times again and again. I feel worthless, knowing I can never fill his shoes. I feel numb, knowing I might never get to play another game with him....ever again.

It was suffocating as I cried my eyes out over him, left in nothing but the rubble of my childhood escape that could no longer stop me from drowning...

-------------------

It was a miracle. A miracle I thought one day might never come. But it did. The light that protects my brother's soul, his dragons, along with a priest who resembled him, led me back to my brother. We were together at last, his light returning my shadow to me after a painful two months of separation.

Naturally, everyone celebrated his return. Kaiba Corporation was glad to have him back, a weight being taken off my shoulders. Despite doing my best, no one ran the company quite like my brother. He had a light that lead everyone to doing their jobs well and to the best of their ability, a light I sadly don't have just yet but that I hope I one day will have!

However, that wasn't what I was concerned about. I was worried about one thing and one thing only: spending time with him, good quality time outside of work. I wasn't about to let him become a workaholic again. At least...not right away. For there was something important I just had to do, a thought that had been on my mind since he first left.

I come into his lab with a box under my arms, one I had to dig around in Seto's room for. My entrance gets his attention, him turning his chair to face me. I greet him with a smile, as I always do, before I do what I have been wanting to do for so long; finally putting a nail in the coffin to my old game

"Niisama...?" I ask, holding up a box containing his personal set of a certain game, a game we haven't played together in ages that I was ready to play with him for real this time.

"Can we...play some chess? I think...I think I'm finally ready to beat you!"

[simcoesleftear]

I love love love how they portrayed PTSD through Caleb too. That's very important and dear to me.

[madefate]

part of the reason that blitz changed his name is because it helped with episodes of derealization, flashbacks, and dissociation ; the most effective grounding is taking note of things that exist now in his life that didn't exist then - loona, this couch, this wallpaper, this horse figurine, your literal name. but he won't change it officially OR on any branding, and doesn't change his phone number just in case barbie or fizz need him, and need to find him.

[kats-lagoon]

WELCOME

TO

THE GREATEST

GUESSING

GAME

EVER!!!!!!

ON TODAY’S QUESTION…

Is this chronic pain real or is it part of a flashback????!!!!!

Place your bets folks!!!!

[transmasc-wizard]

throwing myself at the foot of a therapist's chair saying Please pretty please explain to me what these symptoms are caused by

[idknikkip]

@ everyone constantly diagnosing my mental maladies on the internet: what’s it called when I want to get rid of everything I own and start over from scratch because the weight of possessions, responsibility, chores, & clutter are suffocating me, and even cool water seems to catch in my throat like when a pill goes sideways while dry swallowing it?

(In the tone of “no homo”: no suicidality, bro)

[waywardtyrantpirate]

So guys ??? I think I might have schizo-ocd. I didn't know that that was a thing. But apparently it is. It's when ocd and schizophrenia cross over.

I have

Hallucinations of people, animals

Tactile hallucinations

Most of my delusions seem to be of religious meaning.

I need advice on any of this bc I've looked it up and all I get is how to get help and not symptoms.

[friendofthecrows]

You thought I forgor, didn't you?

Ha! Detective character sheet be upon ye!

[click for higher resolution]

I wrote a lot (sorry) so it's not a terribly traditional character sheet. I just started thinking about this detective and then Didn't Stop. Meaning when it came time to display the information I was like "Ah. how am I going to fit this."

More details and fun stuff under the cut!

I did a -2 to 2 scale for the traits with zero as "neutral" or "average" bc I thought the comparative %s of the polls looked worse and were harder to grok at a glance.

I tried to include the comments from the notes as part of his description and backstory <3 (mostly in the flop era lol).

I hoped a lot of people would click vanilla extract as a show results button, so that I could take it differently and make Shivmei vanilla scented! And you did :) He loves vanilla flavored and scented things, which is why he smells like that. It is both a blessing and a curse.

Fun fact: what took me the longest in all of this...designing sleuths scarf. Scarf was tied with sharp features for the second most trait, so when I imagined this detective, I imagined the scarf, and the scarf that popped into my head was so pretty I desperately wanted it. Cue hours of research and designing my own fabric print patterns (though it's canonically embroidery that's too hard for me lol). I saved a file with just the flat print w/o the fabric warp or cut-offs in the scarf if anyone wants it. It's a cross between a damask, ikat, and ogee, with some Moroccan influence.

Ah and there I go writing a lot again...

Also, I did one of those bag contents sheets for fun :3

(I named the sidekick Leon via the Behind the Name random name generator, and when I instantly got the name of my favorite knight of the round table, I knew I was going with that one.)

Look up "design a detective" on my blog for the polls that caused this!

Now all that's left is to write a story about our collectively designed detective :D

[ravingxfxbrickxwall]

Anyone else uncomfortable with the notion of being comforted? Even if someone tries a part of you has instant alarm bells going off and you’re wary of them. Your brain is so scared that the comfort and care is conditional that instead of accepting the care, you go “What do you want?” And redirect the conversation because it feels so wrong and off?

[kiki-strike]

My mom “ohhh it is so sad you keep extra weighted blanket already in a suitcase ohhh so sad that you carry that giant purse full of emergency supplies everywhere” who had me kidnapped in the middle of the night though